Oct. 25, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:21:56
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Damn, I'm stoned. | ||
| Yeah, you think? | ||
| Boom, on both ends? | ||
| Shazam, bitches. | ||
| We're broadcasting. | ||
| We're live. | ||
| We're reaching out. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Both Brian and I have used it, and by the end of this show, Josh McDermott will have a complimentary Fleshlight that he will be taking home with himself. | ||
| Sure, they have zombie fleshlights now. | ||
| Like ones that are all fucked up and broken looking. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Also, we're brought to you by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, the makers of AlphaBrain. | ||
| And AlphaBrain is a nootropic supplement. | ||
| It is basically a stack of vitamins that help cognitive function. | ||
| I like them, I use them, and that's why we got them here, working with us. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the Onnit link, and enter in the code name Rogan, and you get 10% off of that. | ||
| Alright, cue the music so we make it official. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rogan Experience. | |
| Josh McDermott's in the house, freaks! | ||
| Did you do something different to that music? | ||
| Does it have like an extra echo in there? | ||
| Are you sampling your own shit? | ||
| I'm just fucking around with the mixer. | ||
| Oh, is that what you did? | ||
| Did you go DJ on us right there? | ||
| We're all here right now. | ||
| Did you go straight Russell Peters on a bitch? | ||
| Fuck Tesla, or whatever his name is. | ||
| You took a class once at a community college? | ||
| You're trying to put that to good use? | ||
| Who was the guy that he ate? | ||
| Tesla? | ||
| The guy who was the huge guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tessie. | |
| No, what is that guy's name? | ||
| Tiesto. | ||
| Tiesto. | ||
| Yeah, Tiesto. | ||
| I was trying to explain him to Mrs. Rogan the other day. | ||
| We were driving down the highway, and there was this big billboard for this Tiesto guy. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| There's a billboard? | ||
| Oh dude, I don't think you and I have any idea how big that guy is. | ||
| I've looked online and watched his concerts where it's like him on a stage and he's got like a bunch of laptops and a bunch of musical equipment and he's like pumping his fist and there's a huge audience of people that are like dancing along to him. | ||
| And I don't know how many big DJs there are like that. | ||
| We'd have to get Russell Peters back on to explain to us the whole world of DJing. | ||
| Because Russell doesn't like the guy because he says that what he's basically doing is sort of like Is your friend a girl or a guy? | ||
| A girl. | ||
| A girl. | ||
| But I like that same kind of music, that kind of chillax music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like it. | |
| Yeah, what he's doing is interesting. | ||
| I understand what Russell's saying. | ||
| It's sort of like a guy going on stage in a sketch group on stage saying he's a stand-up comic. | ||
| And you're like, you're not a stand-up comic. | ||
| It's still good. | ||
| I mean, come on, man. | ||
| You can't deny some sketch shows like In Living Color or some Saturday Night Live sketches. | ||
| They're fucking brilliant. | ||
| It's fun to watch. | ||
| A lot of them suck. | ||
| I'm not a fan of sketch comedy because there's too much mist to the hit. | ||
| It's like for every really good sketch you get on Saturday Night Live, you have to endure some bullshit. | ||
| I can't do it, man. | ||
| But Russell's saying this dude just pretty much presses play. | ||
| Like gets all the music together beforehand or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, he programs it all. | ||
| But he's making it pretty badass of all these fucking... | ||
| I mean, I'm not a fan of it. | ||
| I never got into it. | ||
| Maybe I could get into it if I really sat down and listened to it. | ||
| But damn, he's got these fucking huge arenas filled with people jumping up and down. | ||
| Whatever drug they're on or not. | ||
| If it's an ecstasy situation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Molly. | |
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| Or maybe not. | ||
| Maybe it's just they're having a good time. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But whatever it is, for them, it's fucking awesome. | ||
| You can tell that that music for them is awesome. | ||
| It might not click for you or me, but you can't say it sucks, you know? | ||
| And Russell just says he sucks sort of because he's not really a DJ. Like, Russell's a DJ. Like, Russell. | ||
| Remember when Russell was over and he picked up this fucking beat, like a secondary beat in the back of a song? | ||
| Like, he said, no, they're also sampling Salt-N-Pepa right here. | ||
| And we were like, what? | ||
| Like, play that back again. | ||
| We had to play it like three or four times. | ||
| And still, we were like uneducated morons trying to test wine with a sommelier. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| Well, I would... | ||
| See, I don't even consider Tashi or Tesla or whatever the guy's... | ||
| Tiesto. | ||
| Tiesto. | ||
| I don't even consider him a DJ. A music creator. | ||
| Yeah, electronic music. | ||
| Yeah, electronic producer. | ||
| That's a good... | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| I know a few DJs, but I've never heard of this guy. | ||
| And you said you've seen a billboard? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's huge. | |
| He's like Dane Cook of... | ||
| DJs, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, but wait, even bigger than Dane was when Dane was in his prime. | ||
| This guy is, Tiesto's nationwide, or worldwide rather. | ||
| He's huge all over Europe. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| This guy does like 50,000 seat arenas where people are out there like pumping their fists and he's fucking playing records. | ||
| I mean, there's one thing if the music's good, but I mean, there's like an art to being a DJ about mixing the stuff right there when you're on stage being in that moment, but if you're just sitting there pushing play, fuck that. | ||
| Well, I think a lot of people are looking for cool shit to do when you're fucked up on drugs. | ||
| I just need a place to go sweat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a laser show. | |
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| If you're on ecstasy and you go to one of his shows, first of all, you're going to be sure there's going to be a lot of other people on ecstasy too. | ||
| I mean, it's electronic music and everyone's dancing and everyone's drinking. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| There's going to be ecstasy everywhere. | ||
| So if that's the case, you know, this guy's really providing this fucking cool symbiotic service with people that are tripping on ecstasy. | ||
| He creates the full experience. | ||
| You know that he's going to draw them all in. | ||
| They're all going to come to him because they know what he does. | ||
| So you're going to have your like-minded people there that you're going to want to meet up at the Tiesto concert, and then everybody just fucking dances, and he puts on a show, and you're blitzed out of your fucking head, and you know it's going to last for four hours. | ||
| Perfect! | ||
| So he's like the Dane Cook of DJs where he's mixing songs and to just really get that extra punch he just does a leg kick or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he does. | |
| He goes home at the end of every show and emails. | ||
| I've seen he does that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes home and emails everybody who came to his show. | |
| There's a new sample. | ||
| Yeah, Dane would really do that. | ||
| Yeah, he's a machine. | ||
| Dane is a fiend as far as emailing people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I poke fun, but the guy did it the way he did it, and it worked. | |
| Yeah, no one else has ever become famous from the internet the way Dane Cook did it. | ||
| It was really, truly spectacular, what he did. | ||
| Like his comedy or not, what he did as far as marketing himself was fucking genius. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And Dane had some good bits over the years. | ||
| I like Dane. | ||
| He's not a bad dude. | ||
| He lost his way a little bit there in the great tide of wanting to be famous and wanting to be a big comedian. | ||
| But I think he's paid for it. | ||
| I think he's paid for it a lot. | ||
| His latest album, his blues stuff, I guess. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Where he was raw on stage and it was just filmed one take. | ||
| I think it was called An Intimate Evening or something like that. | ||
| Was that Bon Jovi? | ||
| The whole episode was filmed one take. | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| Yeah, that was great. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| It was good stuff. | ||
| And that was sort of like a retribution thing for him. | ||
| He hasn't done stand-up in a long time. | ||
| I ran into him at the Warriors premiere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me just name drop real quick. | |
| You know, I've been to like four. | ||
| 20 fucking years I've lived out here. | ||
| But my friend was in, Brian Callen, who was here yesterday, was in Warrior, and so I met him there. | ||
| That came out? | ||
| Warriors? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Was it good? | ||
| Yeah, it was pretty good. | ||
| But anyway, Dane said when I met him there that he hadn't done stand-up in six months. | ||
| Good grief. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw him when he was working on that blue stuff. | ||
| Was that what his album was about? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All that kind of raw stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I didn't like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't? | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's one of those guys that I think I heard his stand-up first back when he was on top of the world. | ||
| And I was like, nah, I don't really know. | ||
| And then I saw him live and I was like, oh, I get it. | ||
| I see why people love this. | ||
| And then I went back and heard the bits and it was great. | ||
| But having never heard him or seen him live, I don't know how people can understand his jokes because he's so freaking physical. | ||
| Yeah, some of it is hard. | ||
| But some of the earlier stuff wasn't nearly as physical. | ||
| There was some stuff. | ||
| I've heard his stuff on Sirius Satellite Radio and it translates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| It's just different bits. | ||
| For a while he was getting super crazy physical with shit, but he's also doing 15,000 fucking scene arenas. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta get big. | ||
| You gotta get big. | ||
| But this was at an improv where there were like 150 people. | ||
| He was preparing for it. | ||
| He does those theaters in the round too, which is interesting. | ||
| I've only done that a couple of times. | ||
| We're like the stage spins. | ||
| Yeah, I did in Phoenix. | ||
| Celebrity theater. | ||
| Yeah, I've done it twice in Phoenix. | ||
| In Phoenix, it's interesting because that celebrity theater is this big circle. | ||
| And that's where Cat Williams got in trouble with that dude where the guy was like, fuck America. | ||
| And he was like, fuck America! | ||
| America, sir! | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| That whole thing? | ||
| And everybody was mad at him for telling this Mexican guy how great America was and shitting on him while he was heckling. | ||
| He leaves stories when he goes to cities. | ||
| We were just in Ontario doing comedy, and one guy's like, oh, he pulled a gun on him, and the other guy's like, oh, no, that's not true. | ||
| What the fuck are you saying? | ||
| Yeah, we had a cross-reference. | ||
| We had to bring people in together. | ||
| Clark, who's the guy who runs the place, I go, did Cat Williams put a gun on you? | ||
| And he's like, no, we didn't pull I want to hear the stories I haven't heard yet from Dayton, Ohio, where he fucking ate a guy's ass out or something. | ||
| What? | ||
| With Brian Callen. | ||
| Are you just making stuff up now? | ||
| No, you're just making stuff up, you silly fuck. | ||
| No, but there has to be stories that just never made it to TMZ. I was in the weed store once and Cat Williams' assistant came in and she announced herself. | ||
| I'm Cat Williams' assistant. | ||
| I'm Cat Williams' assistant. | ||
| I'm here to pick up his weed. | ||
| She was getting weed for Cat Williams! | ||
| Welcome to America! | ||
| Welcome to California where your assistant can go to a weed shop and just announce hello. | ||
| Now when you go in there, you announce yourself. | ||
| Make sure you get your proper respect. | ||
| Get your propers, girl. | ||
| So yeah, it was interesting. | ||
| But anyway, that's Theater in the Round. | ||
| That's a smaller place, the one where Kat was at. | ||
| I've been at that place. | ||
| It's like 2,500 seats. | ||
| Dane's doing that shit where it's like 18,000 people in a circle. | ||
| Yeah, it's insane. | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| That's so bizarre. | ||
| People eat that shit up, but it's like... | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's so cult of personality. | ||
| What people didn't like about it, what a lot of comics were upset about, the true reason, is that he had somehow or another tapped into this boy band thing. | ||
| So he hit this boy band energy. | ||
| With comedy. | ||
| Like this big boy band energy like no one had ever done before. | ||
| Like Backstreet Boys shit. | ||
| Where girls would go and fucking scream to meet Dane Cook. | ||
| And he hit that somehow or another. | ||
| He tuned into that frequency for a little while. | ||
| And I don't know how the fuck he did it. | ||
| He just was the perfect energy and the perfect planning. | ||
| I mean, you gotta give the guy his props for figuring that all out. | ||
| But that's what bothered comedians. | ||
| They knew that there was this boy band thing going on. | ||
| It was almost gimmicky, but without it being gimmicky. | ||
| But he did it all himself. | ||
| It's not like Dick Clark Productions put together some comedian and taught him how to dress and then foisted him onto the American public, like what happens with a lot of music acts. | ||
| They construct them. | ||
| It's funny how it's so open in the music community. | ||
| Our friend Eddie Bravo has had a whole bunch of looks throughout his music career, whether it's long hair. | ||
| It's funny how people in the music industry, it's like, this is our band, and we only wear leather when we take pictures. | ||
| It's like the idea of projecting an image. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, it's very much just accepted. | ||
| It's funny how a lot of them overuse the same looks. | ||
| They all use the same photographers to make, like, album covers. | ||
| Like, a lot of them are all similar. | ||
| So, like, I was looking at some, like, just unknown bands recently. | ||
| And I was looking at their promo shots, like, their head shots. | ||
| And they're all, like, sitting in, like, windowsills, like, outside of factories, like, looking off at each other backwards. | ||
| And there's always, like, the one singer that's looking down at his shoes. | ||
| Yeah, he's on the railroad tracks. | ||
| How many fucking people who are supposed to be moody have taken pictures by the railroad tracks? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like, Jesus Christ, we get it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're just going to get on that train right out of nowhere, aren't you? | ||
| You're just going to disappear on us. | ||
| You're such a crazy rebel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At any moment, you're going to light a cigarette, take a puff, and hop on the train. | |
| You're nuts, man. | ||
| Yeah, those album covers, dude, you could put a whole blog site together of just every asshole who's ever done that. | ||
| One looking away and all that. | ||
| All sitting in windowsills. | ||
| And guess what? | ||
| The dude who's kneeling in the front, he does not want to be kneeling. | ||
| He wants to be standing up just like the singer. | ||
| But the singer says, I'm going to think I should be the only one who stands up since I'm the only one who talks. | ||
| Yeah, you're the tambourine player, man. | ||
| So the tambourine player's got to take this gangster slouch. | ||
| People aren't going to take me seriously in this band unless I get down. | ||
| And if you're a tambourine player, you have to have thumb rings and shit. | ||
| You have to work rings on your thumb. | ||
| You have to be extra cool. | ||
| Like those banjo players that have a little pick on every finger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ever see that? | |
| That's what they do with their banjos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have claws. | |
| They have talons. | ||
| They have those weird ones that connect to their fingertips. | ||
| They almost look like metal kitty cat claws. | ||
| And they all have that piercing from the belly button that goes down to their nipples and stuff. | ||
| For a lot of musicians, it really is. | ||
| Like trying to get you to notice them. | ||
| There's like four other guys on stage sweating it out. | ||
| I'm just standing here with this fucking bass. | ||
| I need something shiny. | ||
| Yeah, I need something shiny. | ||
| Kiss figured it out the best. | ||
| Just have a whole fucking character show. | ||
| Have a show, you know? | ||
| Everyone's wearing makeup. | ||
| You're blowing fire into the crowd. | ||
| Yeah, it's the same makeup, too. | ||
| It's not like a mixture. | ||
| I mean, pretty much, it's just black and white. | ||
| And I can't tell the difference of who they are with their makeup on. | ||
| I've been to a lot of concerts in my life. | ||
| The greatest concert I've ever been to, ever, was a KISS concert. | ||
| I've been to a bunch of KISS concerts. | ||
| Because my uncle used to work for KISS in the early 70s. | ||
| So I was, yeah, I was a little kid. | ||
| I was like, fuck, I was like maybe six years old the first time I met Ace Frehley. | ||
| Was this like your first concert or just the best concert and it just happened to be when you were five or six years old? | ||
| Those, and then I saw them again with Kevin James. | ||
| Kevin James is a big Kiss freak, too, and he and I went to see them two nights in a row in the 90s when they made that comeback tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It was before neither one of us, you know, I think maybe I'd just gotten on news radio and Kevin, you know, nobody knew who Kevin was yet, and we went to see Kiss. | ||
| Two nights in a fucking row we went to see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| It was awesome. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| It's fun to see a band, like, consecutively like that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They came back, too. | ||
| This was the real kiss. | ||
| It was like Peter, Chris, and Ace Freely were with them, which had never happened for years. | ||
| The band had broken up, and there was this Vinnie Vincent guy, and a bunch of other guys that came in. | ||
| But essentially, the only two guys that were constant were Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley. | ||
| And this was the big tour of having them back again. | ||
| It was just so fun. | ||
| It's like, it's so much, there's so much involved. | ||
| There's like nostalgia, because these songs are like, you know, they're singing songs from, you know, Detroit Rock City. | ||
| They're singing songs from like 40 fucking years ago or whatever it was. | ||
| You know, at that time, 30 years ago. | ||
| And they're still, they're not fat yet. | ||
| They're still wearing makeup and they're dancing around. | ||
| Like, they look like they're still, they're characters. | ||
| It works. | ||
| You know, they really still can put on a fucking good show. | ||
| So there's so, it was so much involved. | ||
| Sad how they all died in that plane crash. | ||
| What? | ||
| Gene Simmons is getting married. | ||
| Have you seen that shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long was he with his wife? | ||
| 28 years or something crazy. | ||
| Lindsay Lillian is going to be in Playboy for a million dollars. | ||
| Who pays for this? | ||
| It should be just like, dude, someone needs to set him aside and be like, look, no one cares about that at all. | ||
| I don't think you're right, though. | ||
| I think this is sort of the model that he's based his entire career on. | ||
| It's like, do something sensational. | ||
| A broken woman, though? | ||
| Who wants to see a broken woman? | ||
| Everybody wants to see a broken woman's asshole. | ||
| Yeah, if she's naked, we'll look at her. | ||
| Yeah, if I can just see her asshole, just the hint of it. | ||
| In the distance, but mostly concentrating on the vagina. | ||
| Even if the vagina lips are closed, which I accept with Playboy. | ||
| You have to accept. | ||
| You have to accept they won't get all gynecological. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I would take Britney. | ||
| Britney's asshole. | ||
| Britney Spears? | ||
| Yeah, over Lindsay Lohan. | ||
| I would like to see Lindsay Lohan photographed drunk. | ||
| That's what I want to see. | ||
| I want to see real drunk. | ||
| Not fake drunk. | ||
| Real drunk. | ||
| Oh, when she goes nude? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, I'd be really interested in those photos. | ||
| I'd be really interested. | ||
| If you could get photos of her in her element, obviously, look, I have nothing against Lindsay Lohan. | ||
| She seems like a girl who's just looking to have fun. | ||
| She seems like a girl who, yeah, maybe she's partying a little bit, but you know what? | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| It probably wasn't too fucking easy growing up on the Mickey Mouse Club and being in a fucking limelight when you were a child and all your developmental years. | ||
| And with your parents. | ||
| Yeah, people are taking fucking photos of you all the time. | ||
| Your dad's fucking nuts. | ||
| To me, she looks like a girl who's just having a good time. | ||
| If she's going to take pictures naked, it should be while she's having a good time. | ||
| With the ankle bracelet on. | ||
| She should get high. | ||
| She should get high. | ||
| She should do a bump. | ||
| Drink a couple of shots, you know, and then show me your pussy. | ||
| Let's see what's up. | ||
| Those should be the pictures, the Lindsay Lohan pictures that we get. | ||
| I don't want to see that airbrush cropped out bullshit where she's pretending to get on a fucking polo pony, you know, and her ass just happens to be hanging out of her pants. | ||
| Yeah, but this is, I mean, obviously a total PR move, so people who are kind of managing the PR of this won't ever let that happen, and that's disappointing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those dummies, they don't know what they're doing. | ||
| They're doing it the wrong way. | ||
| What they should do is embrace it. | ||
| You should embrace what you are. | ||
| That's what brought you to the dance. | ||
| Lindsay Lohan, there's nothing wrong with that girl. | ||
| She's a freak. | ||
| She's a freak. | ||
| She's not hurting anybody. | ||
| She's not out there clawing people's fucking eyes out. | ||
| She's just getting fucked up. | ||
| She's got millions of dollars. | ||
| She's 24 years old. | ||
| What do you want her to do? | ||
| What do you want her to do? | ||
| You want her to take yoga classes? | ||
| What do you want her to do? | ||
| Not everybody's gonna be fucking Mother Teresa. | ||
| This girl ain't bad. | ||
| She's just out there probably sucking some dicks, getting coked up, getting fingered in the bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's fucking... | |
| She's putting it together. | ||
| She's putting together an exciting little life. | ||
| Enjoying her 20s. | ||
| Did you ever see when I asked her if she wanted to fart in the Kitty Fart Cup when I asked her? | ||
| No. | ||
| You asked her? | ||
| Yeah, take us out. | ||
| You actually... | ||
| You harassed her? | ||
| Take us out. | ||
| What a piece of shit you are, bro. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Poor girl. | ||
| It's pretty awesome. | ||
| You're gonna like this. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| If it works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And... | |
| Brian. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Straight over there. | |
| Hey, Lindsey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lindsey. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lindsey, have you ever farted in a cup and put it in a cat's face just to see its reaction? | |
| Hey, Lindsey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're disgusting. | |
| Stop it. | ||
| What about... | ||
| What about a puppy? | ||
| Oh... | ||
| That's not really true. | ||
| You added all that shit in after the fact. | ||
| No, I did not. | ||
| Yes, you did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You told me about this. | |
| You're crazy. | ||
| You're playing me back something. | ||
| You already told me how you did. | ||
| You knucklehead. | ||
| You just ruined a joke for everybody. | ||
| You ruined a joke for everybody. | ||
| You tried to pull it over my eyes. | ||
| It made me watch that gag you did. | ||
| From four fucking years ago that wasn't even real. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| Let me tell you what he did, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| He added his audio into the previous audio of Lindsay Lohan. | ||
| This is a fucking fraud. | ||
| You're perpetrating on the American people. | ||
| What a cock blocker. | ||
| It's fine and it's funny, but you already did the bit. | ||
| No, I've never did it on the podcast. | ||
| No, but you did it to Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| I was doing it to America. | ||
| I knew. | ||
| Disrespectful, man. | ||
| Yeah, you fucking tried to trick me, man. | ||
| The good thing is that people think that's real. | ||
| The good thing is they don't now. | ||
| The really good thing is they don't know. | ||
| Until you ruined it. | ||
| I ruined it. | ||
| I wanted to know what Lindsay Lohan thinks about that video. | ||
| I think that would be hilarious to see yourself going, did somebody ask me that? | ||
| It's a stupid question. | ||
| She probably thought it was a stupid question. | ||
| It's got 7,000 views. | ||
| There's a chance she's seen it. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's practically everybody. | ||
| That's how YouTube's going to make you a partner. | ||
| There's some fucking videos online where you look at it and you go, whoa, how many? | ||
| I finally started watching Zeitgeist. | ||
| There's a new Zeitgeist film that everybody tells you you have to watch. | ||
| So I finally started watching it. | ||
| I looked down at the views. | ||
| 11 million views. | ||
| And when was it uploaded? | ||
| Do you know how fast that came? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Because that stuff, I mean, there's like a formula, almost. | ||
| I got a couple buddies who are like YouTube partners, and they just, I mean, it's ridiculous. | ||
| Once people start subscribing to you, they'll just watch anything, and they just throw up shit. | ||
| It doesn't matter, just because they need to put more content out there, and that part of it suffers, which sucks. | ||
| Dude, it was only uploaded in January of 2011. So I guess it's been around for, what is that, six months? | ||
| February, March? | ||
| Yeah, but when did you watch this? | ||
| A couple months ago? | ||
| The secret is Black Woman on Toilet equals 38 million hits. | ||
| Black Woman on Toilet equals 38 million hits? | ||
| No. | ||
| Was that the woman who's smacking her lips and singing? | ||
| Black Woman on Toilet. | ||
| Crazy, de-siggy type black woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sitting on the toilet. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Sitting on the toilet. | ||
| And this woman looks like Aunt Jemima. | ||
| She's got a... | ||
| Sittin' on the toilet! | ||
| She's got a bandana on her head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sittin' on the toilet! | |
| Sit on the toilet. | ||
| And she's... | ||
| Sit on the toilet. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I think she really is sitting on the toilet, too, which is cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah. | |
| Sit on the toilet. | ||
| It's not funny. | ||
| Sittin' on the toilet! | ||
| Sittin' on the toilet What about wiping? | ||
| What about wiping, you dirty bitch? | ||
| I had a buddy who sent me that, and I watched about 10 seconds of it when this chick's like trying too hard to be viral, and I'm pissed that she became viral. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really viral. | ||
| 38 million people, man. | ||
| If she would have sped up her voice like times two, that would have made 80 million hits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Could you imagine that that's all you have to do is sit and talk to it! | |
| That's what you do. | ||
| And if you were an alien and you were from another planet and you were evaluating Earth and whether or not the Earthlings should be allowed to move forward, you would look at things like this and you would go, wow, wait a minute. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| They probably wasted all their resources. | ||
| Let's move on. | ||
| I might get one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills chicks to come on this podcast. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Mrs. Rogan is friends with one of them. | ||
| I can't say until she says yes. | ||
| But that would be fascinating, too. | ||
| Because there's another perfect example. | ||
| I need to start watching it. | ||
| Is that a good show, Joe? | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| It's uncomfortable. | ||
| It is uncomfortable. | ||
| It's awkward. | ||
| They get very uncomfortable. | ||
| Yeah, and they... | ||
| It's real gross, man. | ||
| The level of behavior, especially the Beverly Hills one, is... | ||
| Real gross. | ||
| They're just disgusting human beings. | ||
| These women are foul. | ||
| I haven't seen this new season. | ||
| Have you been watching it this season? | ||
| I just watched one episode, the one that Mrs. Rogan's friend's in, and they are so fucking cunty. | ||
| These women are ugly and doing drugs. | ||
| This girl keeps running to the bathroom and doing drugs. | ||
| And she's coming out and they're mean to this pretty girl. | ||
| And they're mean to this pretty girl for no reason. | ||
| I mean, she doesn't do a damn thing. | ||
| And they think it's hilarious that they're being mean to her. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because... | ||
| When you're a woman, and if you're an unattractive woman, and another woman is really attractive, all of a sudden it's like she stole something from you. | ||
| It's like she has this magical power just to some fucking roll of the dice, and so they feel like it's okay to be cunty to them. | ||
| Because the woman actually makes them feel like we're already at a deficit before the conversation even starts. | ||
| They feel uncomfortable. | ||
| So they don't feel bad about turning that uncomfortable feeling on the girl for no reason at all. | ||
| Just for the girl being pretty. | ||
| And it's crazy to watch, man. | ||
| It's crazy to watch these really low-level human beings. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like low-level thinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's catty. | |
| Yeah, it's catty. | ||
| But it's worse than catty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just disgusting. | |
| All they're worried about is who's fucking who, and whose bag is who wearing, and where'd you get your shoes, and ugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they're monsters, man. | ||
| They're just retard monsters. | ||
| I watched all of last season, and I don't know why, but I... Did you feel like, did you see the guy committing suicide coming? | ||
| Did you see that coming? | ||
| No, but he was a little weird. | ||
| He was just kind of off, and the way his wife would describe him, she was saying like, oh, he's a manly man, and he's like a cowboy, and he's just muscular and all this shit. | ||
| He just looks like a dude who sits in a cubicle. | ||
| I mean, I know he didn't, but he looks like he's never been in the gym in his life. | ||
| But, you know, it wasn't like a fat tub of shit, but he was just all right. | ||
| And I was just like, this woman has blinders on, you know? | ||
| Yeah, well, I think some people, you know, they sit down and they go, well, how are you going to talk about me? | ||
| Well, I'm going to say that, you know, you're the most beautiful woman on earth and, you know, the love of my life. | ||
| How are you going to talk about me? | ||
| Well, I'm going to say that you're a manly man. | ||
| Until people meet you and they're like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like a cowboy and you pull bulls down by their balls. | |
| That wasn't even a plot point in one of the episodes. | ||
| They were like, wait, she described him as this manly cowboy and he's just like a balding piece of shit. | ||
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| The producers were probably smacking their lips when that came out. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's a good way to describe him. | ||
| Good way to describe him. | ||
| I like the way you think. | ||
| We've met this guy. | ||
| Make sure this gets to the editing room fast. | ||
| And if there's any words that slur, just make her do it again. | ||
| Just do it again. | ||
| Oh, she had major, major Botox, dude. | ||
| I don't think it's a Botox. | ||
| I think it's actually an implant, unfortunately. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Well, she was constantly going in and getting more plastic surgery done, like little touch-ups and stuff. | ||
| So sad. | ||
| And she just looks ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, they start fucking with her face, man. | ||
| And it's way better to look old than to look crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And women don't want to accept that, but I know women... | ||
| They need to stop. | ||
| I know women that have become monsters. | ||
| I mean, literally become monsters. | ||
| I've seen them become monsters. | ||
| I've seen them change from this very nice older woman, you know, is just accepting the fact that she's entering her 40s or 50s or whatever, and this is just life, the cycle of life for all of us. | ||
| There's other things to concentrate on other than that, and instead they just... | ||
| Whack their face out, man. | ||
| I mean, whack it out with like fillers so their cheeks stick out and then they get their noses changed and their eyes pulled back. | ||
| The duck lips. | ||
| Whoa, the duck lips freak you the fuck out. | ||
| They're like, what are you doing? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It's almost like people thought that because you were allowed to have duck lip tits, those those fucking stupid tits were not only like they were encouraged like like Nobody went, you know, you ridiculous bitch. | ||
| But if you go duck lips on the lips, then we go get out of here. | ||
| You can't go super balloons. | ||
| You can go super balloons on the tits, but you can't go super balloons on the lips. | ||
| People drew a line there. | ||
| They're like, this is creepy. | ||
| To tits I can go with. | ||
| It's past the point of being funny, and it's just sad and ridiculous. | ||
| But it's more disturbing. | ||
| For whatever reason, fake breasts don't bother me nearly as much as fake lips. | ||
| Fake breasts seem like, yeah, I see what you did there, and you wanted the bigger ones. | ||
| Okay, cool, that's cool. | ||
| But fake lips are like, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| That's your fucking mouth, man. | ||
| You're jabbing some shit into where you kiss and eat to change the shape of it. | ||
| Do you look at the before and afters? | ||
| Does anybody look better with that shit? | ||
| Especially the eyebrows when they start fucking with the eyebrows too. | ||
| Like people that shave too much also. | ||
| And then there's people that give those tattoos. | ||
| At least your eyebrows grow back. | ||
| That doesn't bother me. | ||
| No, but the tattoos. | ||
| Have you seen the tattoos? | ||
| Where they tattoo the eyebrows in? | ||
| I would rather not have... | ||
| They do permanent makeup too with a tattoo like eye shadow on and shit like that. | ||
| I don't like... | ||
| That shit's weird too. | ||
| That's like a phase. | ||
| Tattooed clown person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a commitment, man. | ||
| Who's got bits about tattooing your face? | ||
| Doesn't one of our friends have a bit about tattooing your face? | ||
| Is it Tebe? | ||
| Does Tebe have a bit about tattoos on his face? | ||
| Oh, Tom Segura. | ||
| Segura has bits about guys with tattoos on their face. | ||
| One of the guys on our board. | ||
| It's a stupid fucking picture, but it makes me laugh every time I see it. | ||
| This guy, Anon, on the message board. | ||
| He has this photo of a dude who had tattooed on his lip, Pussy Eater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I hate it. | |
| And it's a mugshot of this guy. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| A mugshot of this guy. | ||
| And he's got Pussy Eater tattooed on his lip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine being not caring that much? | |
| I could. | ||
| Oh, he cares, man. | ||
| That's why he did it. | ||
| This guy does not care. | ||
| That's abuse, bro. | ||
| Somebody abused that kid, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, that's a kid that grew up in a terrible environment. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| I got a buddy who's got those name tags that say, like, Hi, my name is Tom, or whatever. | ||
| His tattoo on his chest? | ||
| He tattooed that on his chest when he was drunk in Mexico. | ||
| And so it was that, and it says, Hi, my name is Dildotron. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here's the best part. | ||
| The Mexican dude giving him the tattoo misspelled dildotron, so it just says dillotron. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| He had to go back and get it fixed. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| That's so beautiful. | ||
| That's so beautiful. | ||
| That's ridiculous, man. | ||
| That's so much better that way. | ||
| That's so much better. | ||
| There's some hilarious misspelled tattoos online. | ||
| If you want to just laugh your fucking ass off, just go and look at some of this shit that people have misspelled on tattoos. | ||
| It's like, my God. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Do you just not care at all? | ||
| Do you not double check? | ||
| Like, I'm pretty sure it's how it's spelled. | ||
| But let me check real quick. | ||
| That's why you just try not to get any writing. | ||
| You can't F up a design. | ||
| You could always say, oh, well, no, that octopus is supposed to have nine tentacles. | ||
| Well, especially if you do Tibetan language. | ||
| I have a friend who has this big Tibetan piece across his stomach. | ||
| Like, come on, son, you can't read Tibetan. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck that says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| Who knows what that really says? | ||
| That can say some ridiculous shit. | ||
| Like, what does yours say? | ||
| You had a tattoo. | ||
| You thought it said Brian. | ||
| Yeah, I thought it was the letter R, and I found out it meant flowing water or waterfalls. | ||
| And he blames that for his frequent crying fits. | ||
| And that tattoo under my lip right here, I thought it said, you know, my last name, and it says Cumbucket. | ||
| Are you doing bits? | ||
| That was a bit. | ||
| That was a bit. | ||
| He felt like he was setting us up there. | ||
| That's twice today. | ||
| Twice. | ||
| Twice. | ||
| Twice today, Brian. | ||
| You try to sneak something in. | ||
| There's a porn star that has the word cum bucket. | ||
| That's what I was thinking about. | ||
| She had a Twitter the other day and she was looking at her lips and it said cum bucket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Poor girl. | |
| That's disgusting. | ||
| That's sad. | ||
| I guess some girls just say, alright, you want to play slut? | ||
| Alright, I'm going to play super slut. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they just take it like... | ||
| You know, out slut each other. | ||
| Yeah, like when you watch those gangbang scenes, you watch a gangbang scene and like, you know, they get together and they go, alright, how many do you want to do? | ||
| Alright, we're going to do 300 today. | ||
| And they'll do a 300 man gangbang. | ||
| And then another girl will go, that bitch, she did 300? | ||
| Oh, fuck her. | ||
| I'm going to do 150 more. | ||
| And so she'll do fucking $450 and then some crazy bitch does $600. | ||
| But that's what they do. | ||
| They just out-slut each other. | ||
| Instead, since they can't be pure and loved and they can't be accepted for who they are, instead they just go deep, deep into the slut barrel. | ||
| You know Brad Williams? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The kid? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| The little guy. | ||
| He was telling me that he had been fucking this porn star for a while. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And this is going on for two years or something. | ||
| And then she comes to him and says, listen, we've got to stop. | ||
| And this and that. | ||
| I'm getting out of the business. | ||
| And he's like, oh, is that just what you do? | ||
| When you stop, you just don't want to do it? | ||
| And she goes, well, I want to be faithful to my husband. | ||
| This whole time you've been having this two-year affair with this porn star, I didn't even know. | ||
| Maybe I shouldn't have said his name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoopsies. | |
| Shitski. | ||
| But these chicks just, you know, it goes back into, you know, I'm going to fuck 150 more guys. | ||
| I'm going to go fuck dwarfs or whatever, you know? | ||
| Well, you know, I mean, I'm a shitty armchair psychologist, you know, and when I break down porn stars and like, well, why does a person do this? | ||
| Why does a person do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| There's different reasons. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of different reasons. | ||
| And some of them are really nice. | ||
| Dana D'Armond, she's really nice. | ||
| Jenna Jameson's really nice. | ||
| They're really nice people. | ||
| But I can't help but, especially since I have daughters of my own, whenever I see something like that, there's this weird part of me that has to do the math. | ||
| I can't just watch a girl with a dick in her mouth and one in her asshole and one in her vagina. | ||
| I can't go, wow, that must be crazy. | ||
| This bitch is just letting go. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| I have to do the math. | ||
| My head has to go back to puberty. | ||
| It has to go back to childhood. | ||
| It has to go, what the fuck happened to you? | ||
| You're expressing yourself this way with your body. | ||
| Or you just really like fucking sex. | ||
| Like a lot. | ||
| It feels so good and you just gave up and you're like, you know what? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I like the fuck. | ||
| It is possible. | ||
| All varieties of behavior are possible, I guess. | ||
| Dana supposedly, friends with her family. | ||
| Nothing's ever happened to her. | ||
| She's just a good example. | ||
| She's a very strange girl. | ||
| She did a gangbang scene and afterwards she was so happy about it that she was crying. | ||
| It was an awesome video. | ||
| Just the trailer alone. | ||
| Totally legit. | ||
| Totally legit. | ||
| She was crying because she accomplished... | ||
| Yeah, it was an awesome scene. | ||
| I just want to let everyone know that I love them. | ||
| I love them all. | ||
| And it's like, whoa. | ||
| For everybody else, you're watching and you go, wow, what the fuck? | ||
| But she's nice. | ||
| She's a nice person. | ||
| Did it bring a tear to your eye because you know her? | ||
| No, not quite. | ||
| Happy for it? | ||
| It's one of those Arsenio Hall things that make you go, hmm... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Things that make you go. | |
| You remember that was a song for a while? | ||
| Things that make you go. | ||
| C&C Music Factory? | ||
| Is that who it was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder if they took that from Arsenio Hall. | ||
| I think it was. | ||
| I think it was the whole... | ||
| They ripped him off? | ||
| It was either or. | ||
| The other backwards. | ||
| It could have just been like a... | ||
| It was at that same time period. | ||
| A cultural thing. | ||
| Just like a phrase that people... | ||
| Black people said or whatever in that time. | ||
| Arsenio Hall should have never fell off like that. | ||
| I would have loved to see that guy continue his talk show ways like Jay Leno's done, like everybody else has done. | ||
| I liked the Arsenio Hall show. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| He's a nice fucking guy. | ||
| And his E.T. finger. | ||
| He lives in, well, I don't want to say where he lives, but I've run into him a bunch of times. | ||
| He's always super friendly. | ||
| I keep hearing he's trying to make a comeback or something, and then I never hear anything about it. | ||
| Anytime I hear his name, it's always trying to get things in order because he's going to do a comeback and then you just don't hear anything. | ||
| Well, he was doing stand-up for a while. | ||
| He came to the comedy store a bunch of times. | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| He came to a comedy store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, we saw him at the Comedy Magic Club. | ||
| We hung out with him in the green room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was like maybe two years ago, three years ago. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Either way. | ||
| He's... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How the fuck do we get onto him? | ||
| Oh, things make you go home. | ||
| It's called dead air, folks. | ||
| Smell that shit. | ||
| Do you remember how they used to portray Arsenio Holder on Saturday Night Live with that really long finger? | ||
| Like he had this creepy long finger. | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Was that Saturday Night Live? | ||
| Yeah, I think it was Saturday Night Live. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| No, it was in Living Color. | ||
| Did you hear about this high school drug bust that they pulled today? | ||
| Oh, I saw you tweeted that, but I didn't get a chance to look at it. | ||
| Fucking ridiculous. | ||
| One of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| They told these kids, and it's in Connecticut, in Walcott, Connecticut? | ||
| Did this happen today? | ||
| No, I'm sorry. | ||
| They were reporting it today. | ||
| It happened last week. | ||
| So they say over the loudspeaker that an intruder has entered the building. | ||
| They think it's a shooter. | ||
| They imply that they think that there's some armed person who has entered the building, that everyone needs to get into a corner and huddle up. | ||
| And then they go through the fucking high school with drug-sniffing dogs looking for pot. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| So they scared these fucking kids into thinking that there was a shooter in their building. | ||
| Now, they don't know the history of any of these people. | ||
| What if one of these kids was related to someone who got shot at Columbine or many of those other school shootings, and you're going to give some horrible trauma to some fucking kid who remembers their Uncle Mike who got shot in the fucking head? | ||
| Why would they do that then? | ||
| Because they're cunts! | ||
| Because morons run the school systems in Walcott, Connecticut. | ||
| So they send dogs through the fucking hallways. | ||
| They find no drugs, by the way. | ||
| They find nothing. | ||
| Meanwhile, these fucking kids now are going to think, oh, they're willing to lie to us for a shit reason. | ||
| They're not even going to ask us, do you have drugs, and then search the school unexpectedly. | ||
| Instead of doing that, what they're going to do is lie to us about a fucking shooter, about an armed intruder, get us terrified... | ||
| Now, how the fuck are you ever going to believe them if they come on the loudspeaker again and say, an armed intruder has entered into the school? | ||
| Yeah, fuck you. | ||
| What if it really was an armed intruder? | ||
| Goddamn, fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| When I was in high school, there were like, you know, it's probably more today, but like 10 dudes you knew did pot and stuff. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| I'm sure most high schools are like that. | ||
| You know who the fucking potheads are. | ||
| Just corner them or something. | ||
| You don't have to lie to the entire school. | ||
| Freak everyone out. | ||
| You don't have to lie to them either. | ||
| If you want to search the fucking school, search the school. | ||
| Tell the kids to sit the fuck down and put the dogs in the hallway. | ||
| Make sure you have the dogs on the leash, you fucking savages, so no little kids get bitten. | ||
| But this is cunt behavior. | ||
| Do they talk about whose idea it was? | ||
| Like the superintendent or the principal? | ||
| I mean... | ||
| There should be multiple firings for this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Firings? | |
| They should go to jail. | ||
| You guys are criminals. | ||
| You're criminals and you're fucking up a kid's brain. | ||
| You're going to make kids think that cops are idiots. | ||
| You're going to make kids think that cops are willing to lie to you to find out if someone's smoking a fucking joint. | ||
| It's a high school! | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ! | ||
| How are you raising your 15, 16, and 17 year old kids? | ||
| Do you not talk to them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you do. | |
| You fucking talk to them at that age. | ||
| They're fucking teenagers, man. | ||
| They're a lot fucking smarter than you think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What you don't do is lie to them and see there's a fucking shooter in the building! | |
| That's just so bad! | ||
| So stupid! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Walcott Police Department, you cunts! | |
| You dumb, dumb, dumb cunts! | ||
| Did you fucking think this shit through at all? | ||
| It's just one of the things where it makes you just realize that there's no special qualifications to be in charge of a situation like this. | ||
| To be that guy who comes up with that shitty fucking idea and then implements it without anybody stopping him... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| How the fuck do you trust them? | ||
| You morons! | ||
| Yeah, how did not one teacher go, wait, whoa, whoa, what the fuck are we doing? | ||
| How did not one cop go, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I mean, I know cops just want to keep their fucking job and keep their fucking pension, but when your boss tells you that, you got to be like, Jesus Christ, we're going to bring dogs to the fucking high school and you're going to tell them that there's a shooter? | ||
| Well, I mean, it's doubtful, but maybe the cops didn't know. | ||
| Maybe they said, you just get the kids off in one area and we'll come through with the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| There might be more to that story. | ||
| The cops had no idea what they were doing. | ||
| They were just like, what? | ||
| There's a gun? | ||
| Really? | ||
| This is the exact... | ||
| No. | ||
| A school administrator announced over the public address system that a dangerous intruder had entered the school and that all students were to remain in their classrooms away from windows... | ||
| And ideally huddled in one corner of the room. | ||
| They had the kids huddle in fear. | ||
| Huddle in one corner of the room for nothing. | ||
| For our fake drill. | ||
| Because I'm a fucking moron cop in Walcott, Connecticut. | ||
| And I think I'm smarter than people because they have to listen to me. | ||
| Because I have a badge. | ||
| And because they operate under a system of law. | ||
| These fucking cops when they get into these situations, man, they start thinking they're better than regular people. | ||
| They start thinking they can tell you what to do. | ||
| Well, we'll just tell them there's an intruder. | ||
| That's why you're the boss! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Always with the great ideas! | |
| Chief, how do we get all these kids to huddle in the corner, terrified in fear? | ||
| We'll tell them there's an armed intruder! | ||
| Oh, that's why you get all the big tax dollars! | ||
| We're paying this guy. | ||
| We're paying this cunt to lie to our kids. | ||
| You fucking dummy. | ||
| What a disaster of a human being. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chief, I got the day off. | |
| You need me to come in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, come down. | |
| We're going to scare the shit out of some kids. | ||
| We're going to show up with dogs. | ||
| We're going to look for joints. | ||
| You fucking cunt. | ||
| You just useless cunt. | ||
| It's not like it was coke. | ||
| If it was coke, it'd be okay. | ||
| Even if it was coke, man. | ||
| Look, all of it. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| Even pot. | ||
| If there's pot going around the school, you've got to find out where the fucking pot's coming from. | ||
| 14-year-olds should be a lot harder than it is to get pot. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| I don't think kids should be high all through fucking high school. | ||
| It could ruin you. | ||
| It could ruin your motivation. | ||
| You're not developed yet. | ||
| You're not fully a human being yet. | ||
| But there's ways to handle it that don't get kids terrified of jackboot thugs for the rest of their fucking lives and lies, the lies that the people that are in control are going to tell you no matter what. | ||
| You're always going to question. | ||
| Those kids that experience this will always question any official announcement now, forever. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's impossible for them not to. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they'll have this story forever. | ||
| They will laugh about this story. | ||
| They should sue the fuck out of those people. | ||
| And I know it's a down economy. | ||
| And I know that there's no money. | ||
| This is shit worth suing over. | ||
| Not the frivolous lawsuits you get all the time. | ||
| This is worth suing over. | ||
| If that was my kids, I would... | ||
| Fuck yeah, I would sue. | ||
| I would sue the fuck out of that police department. | ||
| And I love cops. | ||
| It's not the cops themselves. | ||
| I know this is the work of one dummy. | ||
| You need to find that dummy. | ||
| You need to find that dummy. | ||
| You need to move him to Siberia. | ||
| He thought he was going to win an award or something for some sort of drug task force bullshit. | ||
| Using my noodle! | ||
| Using my noggin there, Josh McDiamond! | ||
| I came up with a great idea! | ||
|
unidentified
|
School shooter! | |
| A fake school shooter! | ||
| Everybody's scared of a fake school shooter! | ||
| This fucking idiot running around running a police department filled with grown men with guns. | ||
| And this is what he tells him to do. | ||
| What a piece of shit. | ||
| You dumb fuck. | ||
| I wish I knew your name. | ||
| They don't list the name. | ||
| How could they not list the name? | ||
| You can get better, officer. | ||
| What you need to do is do mushrooms. | ||
| What you need to do, officer, is just get alone. | ||
| In the woods is good as long as you know there's no bears. | ||
| You're not going to be freaking out while you're in the middle of your peak. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just do some mushrooms, man. | ||
| Find yourself. | ||
| Find how bad this idea was. | ||
| And if you're scared of mushrooms, eat one of those pot brownies that you confiscate. | ||
| If you're not prepared, eat two or three pot brownies. | ||
| If you're not prepared, that's just as bad as doing mushrooms. | ||
| That'll introduce you to your flaws. | ||
| You know, they have to eat those already, right? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| If they do a drug bust, they're probably just going to burn all that weed or dispose of it in one way. | ||
| But if it's a hot brownie, they're going to be munching on that on the way home. | ||
| Well, and obviously you can just say it's a brownie. | ||
| It doesn't look like contraband. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Oh, it's a brownie my wife packed with my lunch there. | ||
| Just eat this fucking brownie. | ||
| Did you ever hear that video of the cops that called 911 because they had stolen some pot brownies from this kid? | ||
| And ate them. | ||
| I guess they stole pot and then cooked them into brownies and then ate the brownies. | ||
| And I think that's the story. | ||
| Either way, the most important part was they were calling 911. They were cops! | ||
| And they're calling 911. They're like, I think we're going back in time. | ||
| I don't think I'm really... | ||
| I think I might already be dead. | ||
| They were thinking they were already dead. | ||
| They were so high that they were like, oh my god, I've passed into the great beyond that I'm just starting to realize it. | ||
| So they were calling essentially the 911 in the great beyond. | ||
| They were calling as cops. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| That is so funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This cop needs to party with those people. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Just get your shit together, dude. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing, man? | ||
| I'm in war right now with Wikipedia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| There's been so many people that have tried to make me a Wikipedia page, and then it gets canceled because it says I'm not important enough, which I agree. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| But then you look who else is on there, and you're like, wait, this person's on there because they were a porn star for a month. | ||
| It's like a dictatorship over there, man. | ||
| It's so fucked up, right? | ||
| There's all this controversy about these people that kind of are like the head editors. | ||
| Everyone can edit Wikipedia, so it's all about the people. | ||
| But it's like the moderator. | ||
| Yeah, but there's these moderators that they want to put who they think is important enough to be put in there. | ||
| So you go through this, and you're like, wow. | ||
| So you want it there just for promotional purposes? | ||
| What do you want there? | ||
| I want it there because one of the things I want to do is because Siri and all these technologies are incorporating Wikipedia into it. | ||
| So yes, for search reasons and for what I do, it makes sense to be in Wikipedia. | ||
| And then the other reason is because then I look at who's in there and I'm like, that makes sense. | ||
| They have a Wikipedia. | ||
| I should have a Wikipedia. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| Does Perez Hilton have a Wikipedia? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Well, you're sort of a mini, mini, mini Perez Hilton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| So I'm asking one of the moderators, or editors, or whatever, and I'm like, what do I have to do? | ||
| And they're like, well, you need to send links of your work on other websites, or other publications, or who you are, On other publications that are linked. | ||
| So I'm sending them like on Sirius XM Radio. | ||
| They talk about our podcast being broadcasted. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's probably they listen to the podcast and they don't like you. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| And you're like trying too hard. | ||
| And they have the power. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I got the power. | ||
| I'm thinking about being in a porn movie just to be in Wikipedia. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Oh, I see what you're doing. | ||
| See, your girl wants to start branching out into male porn, and you're resisting, and you'll say, well, I'll just fuck you, and it'll kill two birds with one stone. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It'll get me on Wikipedia, and you can do boy-girl porn and make more money. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So I think it's my transition to getting to Wikipedia. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| What's wrong with doing porn? | ||
| I won't fire you. | ||
| There's some jobs where they'll fire you if they catch you doing porn. | ||
| I'll tell you right now. | ||
| You can go do all the porn you want, and I will never fire you. | ||
| This is part of your job growth. | ||
| You're free to do porn. | ||
| You have 100% job security. | ||
| You don't have to worry. | ||
| I got a buddy who is an attorney. | ||
| He's an attorney and he moved from Phoenix to LA just to work in the office out here. | ||
| He was living with a guy who created a big TV show, but I don't want to say what it is, but everybody would know what it is. | ||
| Bonanza? | ||
| He was living with a guy who created Bonanza. | ||
| And he... | ||
| And so he's a lawyer, and then the guy he's living with is like, hey, do you want to come do a little guest spot on my show? | ||
| This is like a reporter, right? | ||
| And he just asks two questions at some little guest star thing. | ||
| And so what I put on Wikipedia, I make a Wikipedia page for him, just as like a joke, like, oh, Brandon Lombardi is an American actor, and... | ||
| But he's also a lawyer. | ||
| This thing is haunting him now. | ||
| I've tried to take that off several times. | ||
| You can't take it off? | ||
| I can't even take that off. | ||
| I'll delete it. | ||
| It'll be back within an hour. | ||
| Because he's interviewing for other jobs and stuff at different law firms. | ||
| They're like, wait, what the fuck is this? | ||
| You're an actor? | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| And he's like, no, no, no. | ||
| I mean, he's on IMDB and that sort of thing, but that's not who he is, and it's starting to fuck with him. | ||
| There are tyrants over there, dude. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| There's some kind of government that runs Wikipedia, and they want you to know who they want you to know, almost like the media, where it should be an open source thing, like it started off. | ||
| Very controlled. | ||
| And it's really fucking weird, because if you can say, hey, I gave him a list of links, like 50 pages. | ||
| Well, how many Twitter followers do you have now? | ||
| Like 30,000? | ||
| Yeah, but I was a guest on the Adam Carolla radio show about the Carlos Mencia video. | ||
| I have little things that I would get more important than somebody that's like, I was in a blowjob video when I was 18. The blowjob video provides a lot of people with something to beat off to. | ||
| I don't even think you should be knocking it. | ||
| Like, what's Charlie Sheen's girl, the crazy, his ex, the crazy slut? | ||
| I forget her name. | ||
| What's the one? | ||
| Brie Olsen. | ||
| You look at Brie Olsen. | ||
| She has the most beautiful fucking Wikipedia page with photos and links. | ||
| Dude, she's a superstar, though. | ||
| She's a porn superstar. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Don't compare yourself to Brie. | ||
| Why are you comparing yourself to her? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| No, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You will never be her. | ||
| You know what you are? | ||
| You're the guy who confidently says, you know, like, if you have to choose between me or fucking Brie Olsen, you'll let me live. | ||
| I know you will. | ||
| I don't even have to think about it. | ||
| And then it gets to the judgment time, and the guy's like, I'll take Brie Olsen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What?! | |
| The bottom falls out of the floor and he drops down. | ||
| He just doesn't understand his position in the wheel. | ||
| He just wants some legitimacy. | ||
| He just wants an affirmation. | ||
| For what I do, what I do, my videos and marketing and producing and stuff, it makes more sense to me. | ||
| That's like my not being able to be on IMDB for you, probably. | ||
| It's kind of like that. | ||
| It's kind of like a techie, nerdy producer. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| What else I get is the fact that you've had it up a couple of times and then somehow or another gets yanked back. | ||
| Yeah, it's because they always give the excuse that you're not important enough or you're not showing importance at all. | ||
| But then I send them a link of 30 different things like article reviews and stuff like that. | ||
| He listens to this podcast. | ||
| I fucking guarantee you. | ||
| He listens to these podcasts. | ||
| He's one of those guys that's... | ||
| Fucking Red Band. | ||
| Nazis. | ||
| Every time they bring this up is another six months of me not adding it. | ||
| I'm so fucking tired of Red Band's bullshit. | ||
| Nobody wants to hear about your cat's dick. | ||
| He's going to Applebee's on the weekends just bitching anyone who will hear him. | ||
| Applebee's. | ||
| Did I tell you? | ||
| I've got the craziest internet search story ever. | ||
| There was a story. | ||
| I've told this before, I think. | ||
| This is the 1990s. | ||
| Right around 2000-ish, there was a small mixed martial arts organization. | ||
| And it was when they were just starting to learn about internet searches. | ||
| And they had this guy who was fighting for them. | ||
| This guy was a fucking bitch. | ||
| Beast, dude, like 6'4", 240, built like a comic book superhero, smashing everybody, and he was like a big star in their organization. | ||
| So they were trying to assemble some press on this guy And they do a search And they find out that a gentleman with the same name Had won something called the Hungriest Butt Contest So this is pre-Google man This is like, who knows what they had for search engines back then. | ||
| So, clearly, this couldn't be our guy. | ||
| This couldn't be our gladiator. | ||
| Our warrior would not be involved in something called a... | ||
| So they click a link, and there's two dudes using him in his Chinese finger handcuffs. | ||
| One's in his ass, one's in his mouth, and they got these pictures of this guy. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And so then my friend has to sit down with this guy and talk to him. | ||
| And he has to say, you know, did you ever do gay porn? | ||
| So the guy fucking freaks out and starts yelling, what the fuck are you saying? | ||
| What the fuck are you saying? | ||
| And he has to literally click on the link and then step away from the computer while it loads. | ||
| And he's like, in the fucking few seconds that it took to load, I'm locked. | ||
| He goes, I'm locked in a fucking office with a gay savage. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| This big gay gladiator who is lying to me and telling me he's not gay. | ||
| And I'm clicking this link. | ||
| And as it's click, click, click, click, click, click, it's old school internet where it takes a long time for a picture to look. | ||
| And slowly but surely, he sees the dick in his mouth. | ||
| Like slowly but surely you see men's abdomens, men's abdomens, someone's head. | ||
| Oh, it's your head. | ||
| What's in your mouth? | ||
| Oh, that's a cock. | ||
| What's in your ass? | ||
| That's a cocktail. | ||
| And you're watching this, and he's watching this. | ||
| They're watching this together. | ||
| They're watching this together. | ||
| And then the guy says, listen, man. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| I just needed the money. | ||
| It's not that I'm gay. | ||
| I just needed the money. | ||
| It was just a bad situation. | ||
| Turns out he did like 100 movies. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Or I don't know what movies did. | ||
| I think he did like 15 movies. | ||
| That's a lot of money, though. | ||
| I'd take the money. | ||
| 15 movies? | ||
| What's a lot of money, though? | ||
| How much was he getting paid back then as compared to what you would get today, too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The joke, when I talked about it in my act, the joke was, how much is a lot of money to you? | ||
| Because for a lot of money to me, as I do one movie, I live like I'm in a fucking Jay-Z video for the rest of my life. | ||
| You did 15? | ||
| You should have all the money on the planet. | ||
| There should be no money left for anybody else. | ||
| You have everything. | ||
| You did 15 movies where they let men fuck you. | ||
| You got everything and great memories. | ||
| How pissed off are you, Brian, that I have a Wikipedia page? | ||
| I already know you. | ||
| I already looked. | ||
| Oh my goodness, Brian. | ||
| I looked it up because... | ||
| Yeah, you're coming off a little jealous. | ||
| No, I looked it up actually when I was trying to get photos. | ||
| No, trying to get photos for the show we did last week. | ||
| And it came up when I did a search. | ||
| And he's in a TV show, so you should have a Wikipedia show. | ||
| But I don't know how it got made. | ||
| Well, I would imagine if they verified it that I was on that show the way that you're saying they do, I don't know why they're not... | ||
| There's got to be something else as a reason why they're not verifying you. | ||
| They don't like you, bro. | ||
| They do not like you. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I think it's because I'm German. | ||
| Josh has his own website, joshmcdermott.com. | ||
| What a handsome fella. | ||
| Hey, can I plug my Twitter? | ||
| Fuck yeah, son. | ||
| Dude, this is what I like. | ||
| Anytime you say anything about me on Twitter, I pick up like 100 followers like that. | ||
| Please follow Josh McDermott. | ||
| M-C-D-E-R-M-I-T-T. Dermitt, like a catcher's mitt. | ||
| It used to be fat piece of crap, which is easier to remember. | ||
| How can we change it? | ||
| Because people who pay me a lot of money asked me if I would change it so they could promote it. | ||
| They asked you. | ||
| Yeah, and I just kind of went, this isn't a fight I want to have. | ||
| I was like, sure, whatever. | ||
| But I still have fat piece of crap, so don't try and get it. | ||
| But this is what I'm going to do, because this is kind of a little plug, if I could. | ||
| In November, November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, and my brother-in-law died of pancreatic cancer. | ||
| And so for every follower I get, let's start it now. | ||
| Through the month of November, I'm going to donate five cents to Pancreatic Cancer Research. | ||
| And I know, I think I had like $6.82 or something when I walked in here. | ||
| So everything from now on, through November, I'll donate five cents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, sweet. | |
| That's pretty good. | ||
| I got all the money in the world, so I don't give a shit if I get a million followers, guys. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| What's a million followers? | ||
| Five cents a follower? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who can do the math? | ||
| Not me. | ||
| You know there's someone listening to this right now who's already done it. | ||
| Yes, yelling it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yelling it out. | |
| You guys are idiots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're morons. | |
| Why are you talking? | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| Brian, we're going to get you on Wikipedia, buddy. | ||
| It's going to be okay. | ||
| We gotta do it, man. | ||
| So me and Joe were talking, we were still in the other day talking about yawning. | ||
| And like, what the fuck is yawning for? | ||
| And I was like, what if there was some kind of communication back in the old days that we're not figuring out? | ||
| And we went on this whole theory of like, what if we yawned and touched our nipples at the same time? | ||
| Like a dragon head would come out and teach us something? | ||
| That was you. | ||
| Not we. | ||
| Don't say we when you came up with that stupid idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So anyways, last night I was watching, what's that show where they try to break Mythbusters? | ||
| I was watching Mythbusters and they were doing a theory on eons and it was so weird that out of nowhere that I saw this. | ||
| And they would put people around in groups and then see if one person was to yawn, if it would start a yawn off where everyone would be yawning eventually. | ||
| And what's really interesting, it wasn't a high number, which I thought it was, but there was definitely shown that if you yawn in a group, that there would be more yawns per group. | ||
| Yeah, well, I don't think that that's a smart way to test that. | ||
| First of all, you know... | ||
| Well, they did a few ways. | ||
| But that's a terrible way to test it. | ||
| When you have cameras on people and you make them all sit together? | ||
| No, they don't know there's cameras. | ||
| They think that they got them off Craigslist. | ||
| Like, they had to fill out some application, like a doctor's waiting room. | ||
| Oh, they don't know there's cameras? | ||
| Yeah, they didn't know there was cameras. | ||
| They just waited for someone to yawn. | ||
| Yeah, and they just waited for one person to yawn and then see if it started to yawn up. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| Do people yawn? | ||
| What if nobody yawned? | ||
| Yeah, they had problems with that, so they did other studies where they... | ||
| They gassed the room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you signed the release. | |
| Where they put them in each individual rooms and did studies on them. | ||
| It was just kind of weird because while watching that, I couldn't stop yawning. | ||
| Yeah, even mentioning yawning, I'll start yawning. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Even if you're talking about it. | ||
| Well, that makes sense that they studied it that way. | ||
| I was so stupid. | ||
| I thought they just got everybody. | ||
| That's how I would study them. | ||
| Get them all in the room. | ||
| Okay, you yawn first. | ||
| No one's yawning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This sucks. | |
| Shit doesn't work at all. | ||
| Yeah, but what if that was some weird communication that we're missing out, like you're supposed to yawn with the person next to you at the same time? | ||
| I think they believe in chimpanzees. | ||
| It had something to do with the alpha position and with exchanging empathy. | ||
| So when one person yawns, you feel obliged to let them know, yeah, I'm tired too. | ||
| Because you don't want to be like, you're tired. | ||
| Bitch, I'm wide awake and I'm going to fuck your wife while you're sleeping. | ||
| There's a little something to it. | ||
| It's like a communication thing. | ||
| When you yawn, your heartbeat, I think it goes up 30% rate, and your lungs completely fill up with air, and it does all this shit when you yawn. | ||
| It makes me also wonder if there was something else there. | ||
| You're sending a bolt of... | ||
| You're supposed to yawn at the same time while you want to talk to somebody else in their head or something like that. | ||
| Did they talk about what your... | ||
| The fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You're charging your battery. | ||
| Did they talk about what your heart rate dips to after you're done yawning? | ||
| Because you're relaxing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I feel like you almost like relax even more that it would be less than what it was before you started yawning. | ||
| Yeah, that seems silly. | ||
| Maybe it's waking you up. | ||
| I mean, saying that your heart jumps 30 beats per minute, I mean, that's what happens when you take a stimulant. | ||
| Maybe like the idea of this big burst of... | ||
| This big burst of oxygen in an unusual fashion like that, maybe it sparks an extra little pump of blood flow that's supposed to send a signal. | ||
| Come on, guys. | ||
| Let's wake up. | ||
| Let's wake up. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Because that's what a lot of people do, too, when they yawn. | ||
| They go, okay, okay, okay. | ||
| Let's fucking bear down. | ||
| When someone yawns and they're tired, sometimes they'll do that. | ||
| They'll yawn. | ||
| They'll go, all right, I've got to wake up. | ||
| I've got to wake up. | ||
| And then they'll fire up. | ||
| What if you're supposed to touch a pyramid at the same time as a lion? | ||
| And you all have to stand on one side? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or a blue monkey up your asshole while you're eating a jellyfish? | |
| I thought you guys were like, what ifs? | ||
| I'm just talking. | ||
| This is the craziest what if ever, Brian. | ||
| I'm so glad you saw this through. | ||
| So there's some evidence that the Justice Department is proposing new Freedom of Information Act rules that allow the government to inform the public that records do not exist, even if they do. | ||
| So the Freedom of Information Act, you're supposed to be able to say, hey, is there records on blah, blah, blah? | ||
| They're supposed to in cases where it's not... | ||
| I'm sure there must be some fucking national security rules. | ||
| That's mine, son. | ||
| I don't want any more. | ||
| I thought you were going to drink out of mine. | ||
| I'll be like, ew. | ||
| You want some of this? | ||
| Anyway, what they're saying is they're allowed to lie. | ||
| They're allowed to tell you that... | ||
| Yeah, it totally cancels out the whole reason of having the Freedom of Information Act. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's like there's no way to keep... | ||
| A tab of all the creepy shit that the government does on a regular basis that tries to sneak through. | ||
| It's like you have to read about this on fucking Wired.com, which is where I read about it. | ||
| Somebody sent it to me on Twitter. | ||
| It's so gross. | ||
| It's almost like the Justice Department is putting this out now and doing this so they don't have to talk about shit like that Fast and Furious gunrunning thing. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're like, oh, we've got to cover our ass retroactively. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder. | ||
| I wonder if it's just another distraction. | ||
| It seems like everything's a distraction nowadays. | ||
| It's so offensive. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| It doesn't make sense that at this stage of the game that people still think that they can communicate with people like this. | ||
| Or they can just lie to you and just tell you that files don't exist even if they do. | ||
| Like 30, 40 years ago, Freedom of Information Act comes out. | ||
| Nobody thinks anything of it because how many people are actually going to be asking for it? | ||
| But now that everyone's a blogger, everyone's got their own podcast doing stuff, I mean, it's like anyone could get that information and just start really doing some fucking damage. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Anyone can get that information. | ||
| When we had Jan over, maybe Jan had stacks of them and he said, look, I've got the documents. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Alex Jones, yeah, he had Freedom of Information documents. | ||
| I'm like, wow. | ||
| But even though I know that I could get my hands on it, I still feel like, it'd be too much work. | ||
| I don't want to... | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I don't want to do it. | ||
| I don't have the... | ||
| I mean, you've got to sift through millions of fucking documents. | ||
| You've got to be a nutty person. | ||
| But every now and then you find something really crazy. | ||
| Like, they found the Operation Northwoods document. | ||
| That was like... | ||
| They didn't find that until fairly recently. | ||
| That's the one where the public... | ||
| The army was planning on having fake attacks on American civilians and blaming it on the Cubans to get us to go to war with Cuba. | ||
| They were going to blow up a drone jetliner. | ||
| They were going to send a jet into the air and blow it up and blame the Cubans for it and get us to go to war with Cuba. | ||
| And the guy who came up with that then moved to Connecticut and did that thing at the school. | ||
| I got another idea. | ||
| Well, the scary part about it, it was signed by a Joint Chiefs of Staff and it was vetoed by Kennedy. | ||
| It's called Operation Northwoods. | ||
| It's one of the creepiest documents you'll ever read because it is 100% lockdown solid proof that people in high office think that way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That they were going to attack American soldiers. | ||
| They were going to have... | ||
| Armed Cuban friendlies attack Guantanamo Bay, attack American soldiers. | ||
| They're going to fucking lob mortars. | ||
| I mean, they would have killed kids. | ||
| They would have killed soldiers, like American soldiers. | ||
| Yeah, you know they're not putting it in over the Everglades or something where it's just going to kill a couple crocodiles. | ||
| The whole thing is disgusting. | ||
| But what's really terrifying is no one went to jail for that. | ||
| I believe it was like 1962, somewhere around then. | ||
| So it was right before Kennedy was killed. | ||
| And nobody was... | ||
| Nobody went to jail for that. | ||
| If nobody went to jail for that, and there's no punishment for that kind of corruption and that kind of mismanagement of the government, then all that happens is it evolves. | ||
| Everything evolves. | ||
| They don't stay still. | ||
| If they're making $5 a day under the table, they want to make $10 a day under the table. | ||
| So very few people stay at the same level all the time. | ||
| But that document just feeds into why Kennedy was assassinated, you know? | ||
| Probably, yeah. | ||
| Like with the Cubans and how he didn't want to do the shit that the military... | ||
| There's a wave of people recently, I find, that don't believe that Kennedy was assassinated by anyone other than Oswald. | ||
| And I think it's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's one of the dumbest conspiracies. | ||
| You go with conspiracy theories. | ||
| There's some that are really out there and you've got to really squint when you look at them. | ||
| And there's other ones that go, oh yeah, there's something wrong here. | ||
| And the Kennedy is, there's something wrong here. | ||
| Yeah, if you just look at the facts, you know that Oswald didn't do it. | ||
| He didn't act alone. | ||
| There's so much crazy shit. | ||
| The fact that they found the bullet on the gurney. | ||
| They found the bullet on Connelly's gurney. | ||
| Just magically found. | ||
| Oh, here's the bullet that shot you and went through everybody and even though it's not even bent up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The whole thing is just preposterous. | ||
| And the only reason why they came up with a third bullet, you know, the reason why they had to have that single bullet theory, and this is one thing a lot of people don't know, is because there was a guy under the bridge, he was under the overpass, and he got hit by a ricochet. | ||
| So they had to count for that bullet. | ||
| And since they had committed to the idea that there was three shots that were fired from Oswald's gun, they had to count for all these different wounds. | ||
| One of them being a wound in the front of the neck. | ||
| That in the initial autopsy, they diagnosed as a wound in the front of the neck. | ||
| And then in Bethesda, Maryland, when they flew the body, they said it was a trach wound. | ||
| And that they opened up it to help him breathe. | ||
| Why are you helping someone breathe that is missing their fucking head? | ||
| His brains got shot all over the fucking backseat of that car. | ||
| Stop pretending that that guy was alive when they flew him across the continent and they stuck a trach wound in it. | ||
| No, that's an impact wound. | ||
| It's an entry wound from a bullet and they can't account for that bullet. | ||
| So all they came up with was, oh, well, one bullet just went wickety-wackety inside of his body and shattered bones in two different people and came out looking almost pristine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's amazing how few people believe that. | ||
| And it's because people like things tidy, and they like things neat, and they love this idea of Occam's Razor, that the simplest solution is always the correct one. | ||
| But that's not the case. | ||
| Oftentimes it is, but it's not always the case. | ||
| If you see in the Operation Northwoods document, there's real corruption. | ||
| There's real conspiracy. | ||
| There's a bunch of guys who really sat down and said, how can we get people to be interested in going to war with Cuba? | ||
| Well, here's what we can do. | ||
| We can say the Cubans are attacking us. | ||
| We can blow up airplanes. | ||
| Like, the fact that they were doing that deep. | ||
| Draw up a memo for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you don't think they would get together and say, this Kennedy, this motherfucker, he wants us out of Vietnam. | ||
| It's going to cost us billions. | ||
| He wants to fucking end the Fed. | ||
| He wants to get rid of the CIA. You know, the CIA, at the time, had only been around for about 20 years. | ||
| The CIA was created after World War II. So from World War II to when Kennedy was shot in the 60s, it was building up steam and he didn't like it. | ||
| He thought they should get rid of the CIA. He thought they should get rid of the Federal Bank. | ||
| He was proposing to restructure everything. | ||
| And they shot that dude right in the fucking head. | ||
| And if you don't think that's what happened, you're crazy. | ||
| Because Lyndon Johnson took over after him, and he's basically just a version of George Bush. | ||
| Just a play it by the book, good old boy, version of George Bush. | ||
| And they went deep into Vietnam right afterwards, and they stayed there for a while. | ||
| There's no doubt in my mind that they killed that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who? | ||
| I don't know who. | ||
| But I have a feeling he thought he was really president. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| I think there's certain people that get this idea in their head. | ||
| They're going to get in there and they're just going to fucking change shit and it's really going to happen. | ||
| And then they get there and they go, whoa, so this is how it works. | ||
| We were talking about Colin Powell yesterday and I've always thought that he was one of those guys. | ||
| That, like, probably could have been president, you know, and when you're running for president, I think they don't let you know shit. | ||
| I don't think you have a clue as to how it works. | ||
| And then finally, one day, you're actually in office, and you realize, oh my god, like, they take you into the Matrix room, where you watch all the fetuses that are connected to these metal spikes that suck fluid out of their brains to feed this mothership. | ||
| And you look at it, and you go, oh my god, this is the truth? | ||
| This is reality? | ||
| And then your hair starts going gray. | ||
| Yeah, that's when your hair turns gray. | ||
| Yeah, your hair starts going gray. | ||
| But what about Powell, though? | ||
| You feel like he... | ||
| I feel like he was another one of those guys. | ||
| It's like he was a real man of character and a guy who you trust what his word was. | ||
| Then all of a sudden, he's in the Bush administration. | ||
| He's like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Just watching the whole thing go down. | ||
| Eventually, he had to get out of there. | ||
| The whole situation was gross. | ||
| Here's a guy who's a genuine war hero. | ||
| He's watching these chicken hawks... | ||
| You know, force us into these weird fucking wars and these creepy parts of the world and coming up with these stupid fucking reasons why we're supposed to be there. | ||
| At Occupy LA, they had these pumpkins, and each pumpkin was carved with a different president or person in office, you know? | ||
| And every time they made a Bush one, it would get smashed within like 30 minutes. | ||
| So every time the guy told me he would walk by, it was always smashed. | ||
| The Bush one was always smashed. | ||
| He's a figurehead. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| That's all he is, man. | ||
| He's just a figurehead. | ||
| He's just a dude who got a job. | ||
| It's not that much different than Mijos and Fear Factor. | ||
| You see, Obama's in Los Angeles and he went to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles in her photo self. | ||
| Unless that was an evil Twitter prank, I am sorry if I fooled you. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| He went to Roscoe's and it's hilarious. | ||
| That place is amazing. | ||
| I can't get into that, man. | ||
| What, Chicken and Waffles? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like fried chicken, right? | ||
| Fuck yeah, it's like fried chicken. | ||
| It's not like fried chicken. | ||
| They put syrup on the chicken and stuff? | ||
| No, you don't have to put syrup on the chicken. | ||
| In my mind, that's what it is, and that's when I'm like, fuck this, I'm not going. | ||
| Dude, it's all delicious. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| Listen, chicken with a little bit of syrup and some hot sauce? | ||
| God damn, son. | ||
| I'll give it a shot. | ||
| It's like, instead of eating cornbread with your fried chicken at 8am, you're eating a waffle. | ||
| Yeah, the waffles, you get extra butter and extra syrup. | ||
| Just go crazy with that bitch. | ||
| Just appreciate the fact that it's going to be two days worth of calories. | ||
| You're supposed to eat in two days, you're going to eat in one meal. | ||
| Okay, I'll hold off. | ||
| I'll clear my schedule for it. | ||
| You know what you're going to do? | ||
| Just do one day of heavy rock lifting. | ||
| There's a lot of videos online of guys that pick up these stone circles. | ||
| You ever seen those guys? | ||
| They call them Atlas Stones. | ||
| It's like a very particular type of working out. | ||
| They pick up these stones. | ||
| It's like a giant medicine ball made out of stone. | ||
| And they carry these around. | ||
| They're very difficult to carry around. | ||
| They actually make special wristbands and shit so that they don't get the skin of their forearms ripped apart. | ||
| They have these big, long, padded wristbands. | ||
| And these fucking guys walk around carrying these stones. | ||
| And this thing's supposed to just burn 8,000 calories or something? | ||
| It's fucking full-on caveman shit. | ||
| That's like what charges up the system to be the most strong. | ||
| Carrying something really heavy and moving it somewhere. | ||
| That's the hardest thing to do. | ||
| It requires the whole body to be strong. | ||
| Every single aspect of the body. | ||
| Very difficult. | ||
| So that's your move, dude. | ||
| Do that and then go Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. | ||
| You'll be so fucking tired. | ||
| You'll be like, man, I don't give a fuck how many calories are in that. | ||
| I'm going to eat the shit out of that stuff. | ||
| I want to sit in the Obama booth. | ||
| There probably is one now, right? | ||
| Do you think they have one? | ||
| No. | ||
| They keep it like roped off? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With photos of him in there? | ||
| They said they weren't going to do anything special for the fact that he visited that location because apparently Reagan and who's the other president who's from California? | ||
| Nixon? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It came in Orozco's all the time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They didn't change the menu or do anything special for them. | ||
| They're not going to do that for Obama. | ||
| Yeah, but he's black. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I think you're supposed to rope it off. | ||
| We'll see. | ||
| Not only should they rope it off, they should get Madame Trudeau's to create a wax image of him sitting there eating the waffles. | ||
| Oh, that'd be awesome. | ||
| And there'd be a photo there, and you'd have the whole thing encased in glass, and kids would wipe their boogers on it. | ||
| They put some quarters, they stick quarters in the glass, you're trying to remove one, and if you do, you get to keep it. | ||
| One of those things. | ||
| It should be a big candle, light him from the top every day, and see him melt while he's eating his waffles. | ||
| A big candle? | ||
| Yeah, like a big candle statue. | ||
| Oh, he's a big candle because he's waxed. | ||
| Some of those waxed statues are fucking incredible, man. | ||
| It's really amazing. | ||
| Yeah, some of them I can't, like, they'll show the celebrity standing next to it. | ||
| I can't tell who... | ||
| Sometimes, yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's like, you know, one of them looks weird and the other one doesn't, but you still are like, well, which one is it, though? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, and photos. | ||
| It goes to show you how weird photos are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, especially when photos get photoshopped. | ||
| I mean, have you ever looked at someone's photos, like, you know, like, especially, like, professional hot chicks? | ||
| You know, they'll have, like, a girl who's, like, a ring card girl or something like that, and they'll have her all touched up, or... | ||
| Someone along those lines. | ||
| You barely can tell what they really look like. | ||
| You have to actually see them in person to see what they really look like. | ||
| Because in this photo, it's not a real representative of who they are. | ||
| It's like this weird paint thing. | ||
| It's like you painted. | ||
| Someone's painted over you. | ||
| This is not the real picture. | ||
| You're showing me a goddamn cartoon. | ||
| This is like artwork. | ||
| Well, I think 3D photos. | ||
| I don't know if you've seen those new cell phones. | ||
| I've seen them on cell phones, yeah. | ||
| Even this camera has 3D in it, so you can take panoramic views in 3D, and then you hook it up to your 3D TV, and it's just amazing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| You can move your head and look around. | ||
| Wait, show me a picture on the 3D camera. | ||
| I've never seen this. | ||
| You can't see it on this. | ||
| You have to put it on the thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have to have it on a 3D TV. Oh, that's a way to make money. | |
| Where's the end of that? | ||
| This 3D thing, to me, I don't like the movies where I have to wear glasses. | ||
| They have to figure out how to put something over the screen, but I'm thinking that this is just a hiccup along the way. | ||
| Look at the Nintendo 3DS. It's a little Game Boy. | ||
| It's in 3D without glasses now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So it just kind of shows you five, ten years, yeah, it's going to be good. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen some of those 3D TVs where they have some commercials or whatever playing in a bar, and it's... | ||
| It's kind of cool. | ||
| It's not as good as when you're wearing your glasses and watching Avatar or something. | ||
| Yeah, Avatar is like the only kind of movies that... | ||
| If it's a big, crazy action movie like that, I'll wear the stupid glasses. | ||
| Those things, they're uncomfortable. | ||
| You're used to wearing glasses. | ||
| To you, it's an everyday thing. | ||
| But even I don't like them. | ||
| I have to take them off every once in a while and just give my face a rest. | ||
| Have you ever thought about getting an operation? | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| Dude, remember that movie Fire in the Sky back in the late 80s or early 90s or something? | ||
| Travis is about UFOs. | ||
| UFOs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Travis Walton, I think the guy's name is. | ||
| Very famous UFO case. | ||
| Yeah, and they showed... | ||
| I remember watching the trailer when I was a kid and the aliens were probing him. | ||
| And just the needle was coming towards his eye, and he was freaking out, and I just went, I don't want anyone to ever touch my eye. | ||
| And that stuck with me since I was a kid. | ||
| I had contacts for a while. | ||
| That took me a while to start doing contacts. | ||
| I hated it. | ||
| They scared the fuck out of you, son. | ||
| Travis Walton, yeah, that's the guy's name. | ||
| He was working as a logger in the woods in 1975. Yeah. | ||
| In Arizona. | ||
| Flagstaff. | ||
| And he was pulled out into the fucking sky. | ||
| I used to have that poster in my room. | ||
| Huge banner. | ||
| We would get banners like your Doom poster here for the movie theaters. | ||
| And they would throw them away. | ||
| But you're allowed to have them if you worked at the movie theaters. | ||
| So I'd get all the cool ones. | ||
| And Fire in the Sky was right on my wall right when I walked in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That was a dope fucking movie about abduction. | ||
| That was a fun movie, man. | ||
| Those alien movies scare the shit out of me, man. | ||
| They still do. | ||
| It's so easy to say, ah, they're full of shit. | ||
| I don't believe them. | ||
| It's so easy to say that because it doesn't happen every day. | ||
| Because it doesn't happen every day, it's so easy to go, that's fucking bullshit. | ||
| But could you imagine if it actually was happening to you? | ||
| What a fucking freakout that would be! | ||
| Like, holy shit, they're real! | ||
| You're flying through the fucking sky into the spaceship and they're probing you and you're like, no fucks! | ||
| The fucking way! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're real! | |
| They're really real! | ||
| And you're not going to be able to tell anybody about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, this was one of the best movies at sort of representing that, that Fire in the Sky movie, because it really did represent that feeling of like, that guy really did seem like he was stuck. | ||
| I mean, it was terrifying. | ||
| Whatever the fuck happened, whether or not they're full of shit or not, I don't know. | ||
| But the character in the movie, if that was real... | ||
| What a terrifying experience. | ||
| That movie was like a recount of that guy's story and experience. | ||
| But even movies like E.T., it still scares the shit out of me. | ||
| I can't watch it. | ||
| There was like my parents' bedroom was around the corner, or their bathroom was around the corner in their bedroom. | ||
| We had a big family, so I'd have to use their bathroom every once in a while. | ||
| I was scared to death. | ||
| As a little kid, I thought fucking E.T. would be sitting on the toilet taking a shit or something. | ||
| I just, as kids think weird things, and even to this day, I'll go home, and I just, I'm hesitant to even go in that bathroom. | ||
| I'm like, I know E.T. is not going to be here, but I still don't want to just walk around the corner. | ||
| What if it was white E.T. too? | ||
| What if it was white E.T. dragging a leg, like zombie style? | ||
| Wow, you just made E.T. creepy. | ||
| Dude, they should make an E.T. horror movie. | ||
| Why? | ||
| E.T.'s a lovable little character? | ||
| That's what Super 8 was supposed to be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a little grittier than... | ||
| I saw The Thing last night. | ||
| Oh, how was that? | ||
| The Thing prequel? | ||
| Dude, it's not getting good reviews, but it's fucking good. | ||
| They did a great job. | ||
| I want to see it just because I love The Thing. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what Rotten Tomatoes gave it, but... | ||
| Sometimes you can't trust that stuff, man. | ||
| I mean, I think they're on par with some things, but then there's other things you're just like, what... | ||
| 33%, man. | ||
| They're saying it sucks. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| How stoned were you? | ||
| I was pretty sober, actually. | ||
| Oh, sober? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a glass of wine. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But it was good, man. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Look, I'm a big fan of the John Carpenter version, the Kurt Russell version. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a good fucking movie. | ||
| It still holds up. | ||
| I watched that movie recently, like a month or so ago. | ||
| Still holds up. | ||
| That's a solid fucking movie. | ||
| This movie was not quite as good as that, first of all, because... | ||
| I didn't quite... | ||
| The girl who was the lead, she was okay. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know her name. | ||
| She's okay, but I think she wasn't Mary Elizabeth Winstead. | ||
| That's her name. | ||
| She wasn't Kurt Russell. | ||
| Kurt Russell just brought so much to that part. | ||
| It's Kurt fucking Russell, man. | ||
| And that's Kurt Russell in his prime, dude, with holding on to a fucking stick of grenades with a blowtorch in his hand, fucking with all the ice in his face. | ||
| I'll blow this whole And you're like, whoa, that's intense. | ||
| This chick never hit that kind of a, oh my god, I'm about to die, peak. | ||
| It was like, she's around aliens and craziness and duh, but still, somehow or another, she's way too composed for me. | ||
| To me, I think everybody should have been really freaking the fuck out, and I just didn't have that. | ||
| How were the effects and everything? | ||
| The effects were fucking insane, man. | ||
| Fucking insane! | ||
| The effects were amazing, man. | ||
| The effects were incredible. | ||
| What they can do now is, well, first of all, it's a prequel. | ||
| So it's basically what happens, and it takes place in 82. So it's all what happens right before the Kurt Russell version of it. | ||
| So I don't know if they're going to redo that one. | ||
| I hope they don't, honestly, because there's no need to. | ||
| Just come up with a new fucking idea, please. | ||
| They probably will. | ||
| Dude, everything's getting remade, though. | ||
| If they redo it, it's really a shit trick. | ||
| Because yeah, you'll go back to see King Kong, the fourth remake of King Kong, but you know he's going to fucking die at the end. | ||
| It's still the same story. | ||
| It's like you're just going to trick me with a bunch of new shit in the middle that wasn't in the original one. | ||
| So you're basically making your own movie for the middle. | ||
| You have very flimsy guidelines. | ||
| You've got to pick up King Kong, grab him back, bring him back to America. | ||
| You figure it out. | ||
| She's supposed to be there and sacrifice. | ||
| She's got to be blonde. | ||
| You've got to have a lot of naked black chicks that nobody cares about. | ||
| And then Khan grabs her and then you get him. | ||
| And everything else you can make up on your own. | ||
| So every version is... | ||
| That's what we're tuning in for. | ||
| We're tuning in for the shit that they made up. | ||
| It's like we know what's going to happen. | ||
| He's going to climb the Empire State Building. | ||
| He's going to get shot down. | ||
| He's going to die. | ||
| That's the end. | ||
| What are you creating in there? | ||
| Oh, what we've got is this. | ||
| And now he's going to battle with these fucking... | ||
| The chick is black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I want to see... | ||
| Super racist movie King Kong is. | ||
| I want to see Johnny English Reborn. | ||
| Johnny English Reborn? | ||
| You've seen Mr. Bean? | ||
| Mr. Bean? | ||
| No. | ||
| I never was a Mr. Bean fan. | ||
| Yeah, I was never big into Mr. Bean. | ||
| I wasn't either, but my little brother loved that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And so if I wanted to hang out with him, we'd watch Mr. Bean. | ||
| He loved all that British shit. | ||
| And so I'd watch Mr. Bean, and after a while, it started growing on me, man. | ||
| I'm like, it's so stupid. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's so stupid that it finally becomes funny. | ||
| And then I was, I don't remember what movie I was watching, but the trailer for Johnny English came out. | ||
| And I was laughing throughout the whole fucking thing, man. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| I can't wait to see it. | ||
| Dude, we're going to have Shane Smith from Vice TV. Come on. | ||
| The guy who goes to the Ladyboys and the guy who went to Liberia. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| I tweeted him today and he tweeted back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's badass. | |
| He's going to do the podcast. | ||
| He's in Beirut right now filming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Who knows what kind of fucking crazy... | ||
| Wait, the Ladyboys? | ||
| Like he goes to Thailand and gets to Ladyboys? | ||
| Is that part of the vice guy to travel? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| It's on MTV now, right? | ||
| Is that what it's on? | ||
| You know, I only watch it on Netflix. | ||
| It's one of the best fucking expose... | ||
| What's the best way to describe it? | ||
| News shows. | ||
| It's like a documentary online sort of a show where they do a bunch of different things. | ||
| Like one of the guys is... | ||
| Whenever they have some sort of a drug situation, they have one guy who's like a serious fucking... | ||
| Psych-head. | ||
| He's massively into psychedelics, and he's super, super educated about them. | ||
| And he sits down with Sasha Solgin, and they go over the various thousands of different known psychedelic compounds and human use. | ||
| It's just incredible shit. | ||
| He went to the jungle and did ayahuasca with the natives. | ||
| They have incredible shows. | ||
| They went to Liberia and literally they're in a whorehouse in Liberia where it was like a dollar or it might have been less than a dollar to have sex with somebody. | ||
| These guys go there. | ||
| They go everywhere. | ||
| They go to the Congo. | ||
| They go everywhere. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| And he went to North Korea. | ||
| This guy Shane Smith went to North Korea. | ||
| They went to the Thailand one. | ||
| He's hanging out with ladyboys. | ||
| They picked up some ladyboys and brought them back and were sitting in the tub with them and hanging out with them. | ||
| I think I saw that. | ||
| Was that also a documentary or is this just on his show? | ||
| It's just the show. | ||
| I don't know the history of it and that's why it'd be great to have him on because I don't know how it got founded but these guys have fucking balls, man. | ||
| They're savages and I've been a big fan of their work for a long time. | ||
| One of them, my favorite one is the one where they go up to visit that guy that lives deep, deep, deep in Alaska. | ||
| That guy that lives, remember, he lives alone with his wife. | ||
| They have this little log cabin in the middle of nowhere in northeast Alaska. | ||
| Northeast Alaska, like way the fuck up there, where there's nobody, man. | ||
| And this guy, they go hang out with him, and he's just every day hunting caribou, fishing for fish. | ||
| Just every day is just foraging food. | ||
| And he's a bright guy. | ||
| And he's been up there for like 30 years. | ||
| And he believes that's like the only way people are supposed to live, and that's the best way to be happy. | ||
| Like he's super content with... | ||
| Up there, he's like, you know, I don't have any depression. | ||
| I don't have any problems. | ||
| This is what I like to do. | ||
| I like to hunt and gather. | ||
| And he's not a dummy, man. | ||
| It's a really fascinating fucking show. | ||
| And in the middle of the show, they have to kill a bear because the bear was getting out his food because he shoots caribou and then he has to hang the caribou. | ||
| And sometimes they have a problem. | ||
| You're hanging this fucking caribou out. | ||
| And bears smell it. | ||
| The bears come around. | ||
| And when they come around, you have to kill them. | ||
| So in the middle of the night, they're chasing him with cameras while he's fucking shooting this bear. | ||
| It's wild, dude. | ||
| Because they're in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| I mean, someone has to come by and drop off goods for them out of a parachute. | ||
| That's the only way he's getting food. | ||
| Like that movie Hannah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
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Fuck. | |
| Well, if he's been there for 30 years, maybe he left in the 80s where it was like, oh, cassette tapes suck, fucking Atari 2600, this is lame, I gotta get out of here. | ||
| I know how to be happy. | ||
| Yeah, I'll go out in the middle of Alaska. | ||
| I wonder if he travels to a main city. | ||
| He hasn't in a long time. | ||
| He has been, but... | ||
| As of the show, as of The Vice Guide to Travel, I don't think he had ever even seen 9-11. | ||
| I don't think he'd ever seen The Towers Fall. | ||
| He should check out TVs now. | ||
| Maybe he just has no idea how awesome it is now. | ||
| Maybe, but maybe he's right. | ||
| Maybe our bodies are still the same bodies. | ||
| You've got to think that there's a bunch of reward systems that are in place to ensure that people stay alive. | ||
| And for the longest time... | ||
| For a period of thousands and thousands and thousands of years, the way we stayed alive was hunting and gathering. | ||
| That's the way we stayed alive. | ||
| We went out and we killed our own food and we caught our own fish and we grew our own fruit and vegetables. | ||
| And I think to this day, we're probably wired with a reward system that enforces that. | ||
| When you do that, it probably feels really good. | ||
| Because I know a lot of... | ||
| I used to be... | ||
| I'm hooked on fishing. | ||
| I used to love fishing. | ||
| I used to fish all the time. | ||
| It's a very primal thing. | ||
| The excitement of catching a fish, it's very much wired into your system. | ||
| As is hunting, supposedly. | ||
| I haven't been hunting, but they all say that. | ||
| People who hunt, they all say that it's wired into you, man. | ||
| And that's why people to this day, even though it's easy to get food, still go hunting. | ||
| Not even just for... | ||
| For the meat and for the fact that they need the meat to stay alive, but just for the actual excitement of it because there's an exciting thing about procuring your own food, going out and getting your own food and sustaining yourself through your own work instead of sustaining yourself through a supermarket where you just kind of emptily pay for things and then just consume them. | ||
| Some people really believe that the real true way to be happy is to... | ||
| I mean, it's not very progressive because eventually we have to evolve past the state, but some people think the true way to be happy is to live as if people were living thousands of years ago when there was no electricity. | ||
| And then all this technology, even though we're enjoying it, It's enhancing our life. | ||
| We're not really wired to use this stuff. | ||
| We're not wired to be influenced by it. | ||
| Like televisions, we were talking about TVs and movies. | ||
| Think about the influence that a film has. | ||
| Think about the influence that that has compared to any influence that you would actually see in the natural world and compared to what you're supposed to be receiving. | ||
| The human brain, like as you're developing and learning and going through life, you're supposed to be impressed by certain things, acts of bravery. | ||
| You're supposed to be impressed by character, impressed by leadership. | ||
| And all these things are supposed to impress you because you should eventually take on that role yourself if you're a man. | ||
| You should actually develop to a person of character and respect and leadership. | ||
| Hopefully, if you ever want to become the leader. | ||
| But until then, you follow the leader. | ||
| You follow the alpha because that's the one that has all the information. | ||
| They've already lived a long life. | ||
| They've learned some things. | ||
| And if you want to stay alive, you follow him. | ||
| Now, this is what's programmed in our head, but instead of that, what we're getting in this is this fucking 100-foot screen. | ||
| We're wearing glasses that make everything 3D, and this paralyzed dude is going to fuck this blue chick. | ||
| And it's like our bodies and our brains almost can't process that much bullshit. | ||
| It's like even though we know it's just a movie... | ||
| There's certain parts of our subconscious or even our consciousness that I think are programmed to expect movie-like results from real life. | ||
| And when you don't have anything like that, when you realize that the reality of it is, whoa, now I'm just some weird person who gets in a metal fucking box and it's on rubber wheels and I ride over this hard surface to this same spot where I sit in a cubicle every fucking day and repeat over and over again. | ||
| There's no Sandra Bullock movie for me, man. | ||
| There's no beautiful ending. | ||
| Like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| This is reality. | ||
| But we're so programmed by this idea of happy endings and this idea of easy-to-follow storylines where it all works out in the end. | ||
|
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|
Ta-da-da! | |
| It's a trip. | ||
| It's a trip to wonder whether or not we have created something in our mass media, in our media, in our television, in our movies. | ||
| We have created something that influences us far beyond what we can control. | ||
| And almost like that's how it's difficult for people to truly understand people anymore. | ||
| It's almost like people aren't even influencing people. | ||
| People's creations are influencing people. | ||
| Artificial bullshit is influencing people. | ||
| Who the human is below all of it is very difficult to distinguish for a lot of people. | ||
| Wrap your hand around that, bitch. | ||
| So I'm reading the biography of Steve Jobs, that thing I mentioned. | ||
| But they're talking... | ||
| The one cool thing that they kind of hinted at was the future, how Steve Jobs thought that he had... | ||
| Mapped out. | ||
| Like the next TV. He broke the idea for the next TV. And so there's like these rumors now that Apple might start making their own TV sets. | ||
| Like, you know, like... | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what, that Apple TV program is fucking great, man. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Oh, the Apple TV box? | ||
| Yeah, the actual box. | ||
| It's a little tiny-ass box, man. | ||
| Yeah, I got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you ever use it? | |
| I got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's great. | |
| It's fucking great. | ||
| I was thinking with how good Siri is, imagine being able to tell your TV, like, find me Family Guy Thursday, record, turn to channel HBO, record that, you know, and how it's probably going to mix in with the Siri into the TV. Wouldn't that be awesome? | ||
| Yeah, that's inevitable, I think. | ||
| Yeah, it's obviously moving that direction. | ||
| We're going to get that real quick. | ||
| Have you ever seen Bill Gates' house? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's a bunch of videos. | ||
| There was actually a thread about it on my message board a few weeks ago, I think. | ||
| Amazing house. | ||
| And you wear a pin when you enter the room. | ||
| When you get into his house, you put a pin on, and this pin has a microchip in it. | ||
| And every room, it recognizes you. | ||
| It knows that you're the one who entered into the room. | ||
| So it changes the images on the wall. | ||
| It changes the atmosphere, the temperature. | ||
| What's funny is that's so funny how that's old technology already. | ||
| Because even with Kinect, with Xbox, you have it in your house, and you walk in the room, it detects your face, and then logs you in on Kinect. | ||
| Does it start playing music and change the lights? | ||
| No, but it logs you in and then you can have your Netflix and you sit there with your hand and you stream through the movies with your hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| So you can go through Netflix with your hand? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Imagine now apples. | ||
|
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You just make lazy people even more lazy. | |
| Isn't that incredible though? | ||
| That is a big jump. | ||
| That's a big jump. | ||
| The ability that we have right now to sit in front of the TV and swipe things with your hand in space. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Now imagine not having to move your hand now. | ||
| Just being like, Siri, find me this movie. | ||
| Do this. | ||
| I was just getting used to the retinal scan. | ||
| That blows my mind. | ||
| You can put your eye up. | ||
| When have you ever used that on a laptop? | ||
| I've never used it. | ||
| I just see it in movies and I'm like, what the fuck is that? | ||
|
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|
It's real. | |
| They have it for laptops now. | ||
| They have fingerprint ones and they have retina scan ones. | ||
| Wait, for what? | ||
| I've only seen the finger ones. | ||
| You do it to log in? | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I know they do it for security things. | ||
| They have my gym, 24 Hour Fitness. | ||
| That's how I sign in. | ||
| I do it with the finger. | ||
| We don't work out in the same gym. | ||
| I never see you there. | ||
| I know I'm 24 Hour Fitness. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Which one do you go to? | ||
| Santa Monica. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't find this. | ||
| I might have made that up. | ||
| How to buy a retina biometric scanner. | ||
| No, they have them. | ||
| I don't know if they have it on laptops yet. | ||
| It wouldn't surprise me if there's a thing you plug into the back of your computer that sits on top. | ||
| You do a retinal scan. | ||
| It brings up your profile or something. | ||
| But then people would worry, what if somebody cut your eyeballs out? | ||
| That's what I'm always like with a pencil. | ||
| You jam a pencil in there, pop that sucker out. | ||
| God! | ||
| And then you get in behind the security wall that you shouldn't be, but you got the eyeball. | ||
| And then you strap the nukes to yourself and pull the pin, and that's it. | ||
| I'm getting kind of jealous. | ||
| My girlfriend's brother's building a computer right now, and he just bought his new case, and he brought home this case that looks like Alienware. | ||
| Why are you jealous? | ||
| Jealous? | ||
| No, because I miss those days. | ||
| You sit there and find the coolest case you can, and then you find which motherboard you want. | ||
| Oh, this is something that you've done before in the past, but the fact that he's doing it now, you're missing it. | ||
| It's kind of fun. | ||
| I forget it. | ||
| And then there's that new game that just came out today, Battlefield 3, and they're showing how badass it looks, and now I'm thinking, man, I almost want to build some stupid gaming computer. | ||
| Dude, you don't got as much free time as it is. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I need to clone people. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| You just enjoy less things. | ||
| But I'm with you on the computers. | ||
| I used to love the satisfaction of putting together a computer. | ||
| You know, punching and putting in the motherboard, Punching in the RAM, you know, setting everything up, and then the moment it turns on, you boot up Windows. | ||
| You're like, yes! | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
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I did it! | |
| You know what? | ||
| I don't miss jumper settings, though. | ||
| Fuck jumper settings in the ass. | ||
| If they still have jumper settings. | ||
| Maybe you used to have tweezers, and you used to have to move these little things over. | ||
| What the fuck were those things? | ||
| How primitive is that shit? | ||
| And then it was times where your graphics card would interfere with your sound card. | ||
| What was that called? | ||
| In that BIOS, you had to change frequencies and shit. | ||
| Oh, that was so annoying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That shit. | ||
| But I think you learn how much... | ||
| This is why I appreciate Mac so much. | ||
| I love the fact that I don't have to do anything. | ||
| You know, you could say that it's a computer for people who aren't power users or whatever you want to say. | ||
| But the fact that I don't have to do shit... | ||
| It knows what you're wanting to do. | ||
| It's like, oh, do you want to do that? | ||
| I'll just do it for you. | ||
| It's like that, I don't know if it's like a sketch or something, but it's just like, move, I got it, you know? | ||
| Yeah, and I don't have to go into the registry and tweak the settings. | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? | ||
| Like, what am I even doing in there? | ||
| Do you talk about this? | ||
| Yeah, I've talked about it before. | ||
| This is the best coconut water I've ever had in my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told you. | |
| Yeah, I tell everybody. | ||
| Everybody says coconut water tastes like shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I never understood why they said that until I tried other stuff. | ||
| And these people are not paying me a dime. | ||
| This is all just honesty. | ||
| I think they have a great product. | ||
| C2O is the shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I asked them, I said, why is your coconut water so much better? | ||
| Because it's really delicious. | ||
| I go, do you add sugar? | ||
| And they go, no, no, no. | ||
| What we do is we get our coconuts from a single plantation in Thailand. | ||
| They own the plantation. | ||
| And so this plantation in Thailand, apparently the Thais have the sweetest coconuts. | ||
| They're delicious, coconut-y taste and very sweet. | ||
| And that's the key. | ||
| I don't know what other companies get their shit from Thailand too, but get it from them. | ||
| Because that's where C2O gets it. | ||
| I've heard people talk about coconut water and they're like, oh, I love it. | ||
| So I went to Whole Foods and I bought three different kinds because I figured I wouldn't like one of them or whatever just to try them out. | ||
| I hated all three of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And people think I'm exaggerating. | ||
| Like I said, no one's giving me a fucking dime, I swear to God. | ||
| There's definitely bad coconut water. | ||
| That other kind you had a couple weeks ago, I did not even want to finish. | ||
| That's not normal. | ||
| Yeah, this is delicious. | ||
| This stuff is fucking... | ||
| And it's so good for you, man. | ||
| It's really good for when you're working out. | ||
| It's a good natural isotonic beverage. | ||
| Whatever the fuck isotonic means. | ||
| Whatever it is, it's good. | ||
| Joe, do you know if it's okay? | ||
| You have a Vitamix. | ||
| Is it okay to mix vitamins into your drinks? | ||
| To crush them into the drinks? | ||
| Would that be okay? | ||
| Well, I guess you could do that, but why would you do that when you could just take them? | ||
| Meh. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, what are you eating with vitamins? | ||
| No, I mean, I do one of those packs of vitamins every day, and I've been throwing it into the... | ||
| You could do that, sure. | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| But you've got to wonder how much of it is going to get stuck to the walls, how much of it is actually in your... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What kind of vitamins are you taking? | ||
| Fish oil. | ||
| It's just one of those packs you buy where it has a big pack of different kinds and you take one a day. | ||
| Like a little plastic baggie sort of thing. | ||
| From Costco. | ||
| From Costco? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you notice any difference when you take vitamins? | ||
| Yeah, my pee is really yellow and it smells bad. | ||
| It smells bad? | ||
| It smells like pee. | ||
| Like hardcore pee. | ||
| There's been a study recently. | ||
| I mean, there's always studies one way or another. | ||
| But the study recently said something about they were doubting the efficacy of large doses of vitamins. | ||
| And they were saying that it might even be harmful for some people. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| Because I always wonder, how the fuck do you judge that? | ||
| How do you figure that out? | ||
| Well, it's probably like anything. | ||
| If you overdo a B12 or a C or something like that, it's probably not good for you. | ||
| How much of it is placebo then? | ||
| Like with vitamins? | ||
| It's like, how much is this vitamin C actually helping me? | ||
| Well, it's also, like, how much do you need as opposed to how much other people need? | ||
| I think there's only six vitamins in this pack, though. | ||
| It's not like it's crazy, you know? | ||
| I think it's just basic stuff, too, like fish oil, D, whatever. | ||
| Fish oil and D? Well, you know, you're not eating healthy, either. | ||
| I'm not eating pretty healthy. | ||
| How healthy do you eat? | ||
| The problem is I only eat once a day. | ||
| Why do you do that? | ||
| Well, like, today, you know, I wake up, I get some coffee. | ||
| I can't eat before I have my coffee, you know, so I slowly drink coffee. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't work. | ||
| Like, I can't eat unless I have coffee. | ||
| Like, you get an upset stomach sort of thing? | ||
| I just, zero hunger. | ||
| Like, it sounds gross. | ||
| Like, I would probably get sick if I tried to eat before I have my coffee for some reason. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| And then I usually do something like this. | ||
| Like, I'm doing this podcast right now. | ||
| I probably will get home, do the podcast, put it up online, and then probably eat around 7 or 8 o'clock at night. | ||
| My problem is last night I had skinless grilled chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, fruit. | ||
| My question when I read these things, when you read a study that has more evidence against vitamin use, my fucking tinfoil hat always goes up. | ||
| And I always go, well, how do I not know that this isn't some shit that the pharmaceutical companies have come up with to discourage people from using vitamins? | ||
| Like a study they funded or something? | ||
| Yeah, they found out that if you take vitamins, you're less likely to get a certain amount of things that we need drugs to cure. | ||
| And so they're trying to squash the pharmaceutical industry. | ||
| You know, the pharmaceutical industry was trying at one point in time, and they have recently tried it again. | ||
| They've talked about doing this, where they want to regulate vitamins and minerals. | ||
| And they want to make it so they're only by prescription. | ||
| So they're going to cost a lot more and you're going to have to get them from pharmaceutical companies. | ||
| So instead of these companies like GNC or all these different places that sell vitamins, those will essentially be taken over by the pharmaceutical companies and their massive amounts of profits. | ||
| We'll, in turn, be absorbed by the pharmaceutical industry. | ||
| The pharmaceutical industry, by using the American government, will essentially jack the whole nutritional market and take it over. | ||
| And they tried this in the past. | ||
| They tried to do it under the name nutraceuticals. | ||
| That's what they were going to call vitamins. | ||
| And they were going to make it so that if you wanted to get vitamin C, you had to get a fucking prescription. | ||
| You had to go through the whole rigmarole. | ||
| You had to go to a doctor. | ||
| Good grief. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| It's really terrifying. | ||
| And so whenever I see studies like this, and I know that this was a very recently proposed thing, I always wonder if they're jockeying for positioning. | ||
| I always wonder what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| And then once they take position, they'll say, well, if you get FDA-approved vitamins and minerals, it's been shown that moderate doses of FDA-approved vitamins and minerals can actually prevent certain diseases. | ||
| This is one of the benefits of having the government take over the pharmaceutical industry is that we're able to run tests on them and get conclusive results using taxpayer money. | ||
| And now everybody can be safe to take government-approved vitamins. | ||
| So when I hear stories like this, I don't necessarily... | ||
| I don't believe it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know who's putting these fucking things together. | ||
| And I used to think that all these universities were beyond reproach. | ||
| I used to think, well, you know, if it's a university study, for sure, that means... | ||
| Until I watched Inside Job. | ||
| And then I realized how the whole system works with university professors and the fucking studies that they put out and then the cushy jobs that they get afterwards and they make millions of dollars by playing ball with everybody. | ||
| Did you see Inside Job? | ||
| No, but I heard about exactly what you're talking about. | ||
| It just makes me wonder, is there any honesty left in the world for anything? | ||
| When you're dealing with that kind of money, I think, the money for the professors, millions of dollars, all of a sudden they're working for Merrick and they're developing some fucking brain drug for Merrick and making millions and millions of fucking dollars. | ||
| For them, it's like the numbers are too high. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder if there is anything uncorrupt. | ||
| I think the only thing that's going to save people, honestly, is there's going to have to be some app that's created eventually that lets us see the truth always. | ||
| See the truth in anything. | ||
| No one's ever going to be able to lie to anyone. | ||
| All your motives will be exposed right away. | ||
| You'll be forced to tell the truth. | ||
| And then and only then are we going to really get it together. | ||
| Because half the problem with what... | ||
| What's fucked up about human beings is the lies and the bullshit and the real motivation behind things, whether it's Operation Northwoods or whether it's them trying to fucking take over the vitamin industry under the guise they're trying to help us. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Nobody's dying from fucking vitamins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nobody! | |
| Nobody! | ||
| A negligible amount. | ||
| 10,000 people die from fucking caffeine every year. | ||
| And I love coffee. | ||
| Who knows how many thousands of people die from aspirins. | ||
| 400,000 die from cigarettes. | ||
| Just shut the fuck up, man. | ||
| If they're going after something, they're going after it for money. | ||
| The federal government's not trying to take over the cigarette industry. | ||
| They're not trying to give you only government-approved cigarettes. | ||
| You need a prescription to get cigarettes because we're worried about the dangers of cigarettes. | ||
| They don't think twice about cigarettes because the tobacco company pays them billions of fucking dollars, those dirty, dirty cunts. | ||
| So the Truth app is the way to go. | ||
| We need a truth app, Brian. | ||
| Until somebody figures out how to manipulate that and make some money off of it. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| They'll make a fucking bot. | ||
| Bot for the truth app. | ||
| What's the solution, Brian? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was just thinking about how crazy that it... | ||
| If you really think about... | ||
| There's a creator. | ||
| There's somebody that created the human person or whatever. | ||
| And they had to... | ||
| Like, take the eye and try to, like, design the eye to make it the best, most efficient eye. | ||
| And somebody created the nose, like, no, it has to be, you know, it has to have these filters of hair, so it, you know, collects dust before they inhale it, you know. | ||
| It's amazing that there, is there somebody that sat around and had to design every single part of the human person? | ||
| No, there's not one person. | ||
| It's not a job. | ||
| It's a team of scientists and they created these robots and we're robots. | ||
| You know, there's the question of whether or not there's intelligent design. | ||
| There's some pretty intelligent people that believe in intelligent design. | ||
| And the idea behind it, everybody has a big red flag when you bring it up because it's been co-opted by religious groups. | ||
| And they use it to sort of promote the idea in school that you can push religious nonsense on kids. | ||
| Because the real problem with religious nonsense is not that it's not possible what they're saying is true. | ||
| It's that there's no evidence that it's true. | ||
| And they're basically just talking. | ||
| They're basically just making up a bunch of fucking stories. | ||
| Somebody wrote it down, and they try to pretend that it's history, and they try to sell it to kids. | ||
| There's no fucking evidence. | ||
| But it doesn't mean it's not right. | ||
| It doesn't mean that there isn't, at one point in time, some... | ||
| Benevolent, one power that oversees everything. | ||
| We have eyelashes to protect our eyes. | ||
| I mean, each piece of the human body is so... | ||
| Why would they make crocodiles? | ||
| Why would they make Komodo dragons? | ||
| Why would they make monkeys that throw shit at you? | ||
| Because those were all the rejects. | ||
| Those were all like the revision B, C, D, E. I don't think so. | ||
| I think there's some sort of an ecosystem. | ||
| But if there's anything that looks alien, it's us. | ||
| If you really wanted to make the argument, and there is a logical argument, If you really want to make the argument that there has been genetic engineering, there's two animals that you'd make that argument with. | ||
| Dogs and people. | ||
| And dogs and people both vary substantially in size and shape and coloring and where they live on the earth. | ||
| But you can make them fuck each other and they can have babies no matter what. | ||
| They're all interchangeable. | ||
| Midgets can fuck Shaquille O'Neal. | ||
| You can figure out a way to put it all together. | ||
| It's a way... | ||
| You know, there's only people and dogs. | ||
| And we know for a fact the only reason why dogs are like that is because people fucked with them. | ||
| People, through selective breeding and some sort of genetic engineering that they really don't know. | ||
| And a bunch of people, thank you, have sent me a bunch of documentaries on dogs that... | ||
| I'm probably not going to watch. | ||
| I just watched one last night. | ||
| Is it interesting? | ||
| Dogs dissected or something like that. | ||
| They come from wolves. | ||
| Yeah, they come from wolves, but also when humans look at each other, they look from left to right for some reason to judge you. | ||
| I forget what it was about, but that dogs also did it, and that we actually think closer to the dogs than most chimpanzees or monkeys. | ||
| It was really weird. | ||
| It was interesting to see that they only bark. | ||
| They're not designed to bark. | ||
| They're designed to bark, where wolves don't sit around and bark all day. | ||
| Dogs are trying to communicate with humans and stuff. | ||
| It was really interesting. | ||
| You know, wolves communicate with people, too. | ||
| If you have a wolf for a pet, I have a friend that has two wolves. | ||
| He had three for a while. | ||
| And the wolves fucking talk to you, man. | ||
| You come home, you're like, what's up, dude? | ||
| What's up, dude? | ||
| They go, oh, oh, oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These are like full-on wolves, not like half or anything. | |
| Well, they're something. | ||
| Probably seven-eighths timber wolf. | ||
| They're really tricky. | ||
| They're really tricky pets. | ||
| Once you're around them, you go, okay, this isn't a dog, dude. | ||
| You live with an animal. | ||
| You live with a totally different animal. | ||
| This is not a dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a wolf. | |
| It reminds me of grizzly man shit, man. | ||
| It's close, except they don't really attack people. | ||
| I mean, they can if they're treated badly and if they're in a bad environment. | ||
| For the most part, wolves, timber wolf, seven-eighths, don't have a problem with their masters, at least. | ||
| Any dog could have a problem with someone else, another person. | ||
| Little kids sometimes scare them. | ||
| They think the little kids are animals. | ||
| It's a real danger. | ||
| Some of the funniest shit, my dad had a friend who would come over, the nicest guy in the world, but our dog Larry didn't like the sound of his voice and she would just bark like crazy and try to attack him. | ||
| But she was the nicest dog to everyone. | ||
| And this dude, for whatever reason, just come over and she would attack him. | ||
| Wow, he probably fucked her when you weren't looking. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| He probably was always fucking that poor dog. | ||
| But you know, the idea is that human beings were genetically engineered by higher power. | ||
| That something came down here and genetically engineered us. | ||
| And that's why we look so different than anything else on the planet. | ||
| You know, we are so different than any other primate. | ||
| Our skin is soft and fleshy. | ||
| For the longest time, we've been using tools to the point where we can't even remember. | ||
| We just have to kind of like look at old stuff and try to figure out, did they have tools then? | ||
| I don't think they had them then. | ||
| And they just recently moved it back way, way, way, way, way back. | ||
| They moved the dawn of civilization back almost 6,000 years really recently because they found this huge structure in Gobekli Tepe. | ||
| And they used to think that back then people were just living in caves and they had these 19-foot tall carved stone columns with animals on them. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is like 12,000 years ago. | ||
| So to put it in perspective, ancient Sumer was thought to be the cradle of civilization. | ||
| That was the oldest known civilization that we knew of. | ||
| That's 6,000 years ago in Iraq. | ||
| This is 6,000 years older than that. | ||
| So to them, in ancient Sumer, it was to them, Gobekli Tepli was like Sumer is to us, which is impossible to even wrap your head around. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| Biblioteca? | ||
| It's called Gobekli Tepe, and it's in Turkey. | ||
| It's really amazing, amazing stuff. | ||
| Oh, that's fascinating. | ||
| Yeah, this is recent. | ||
| The guy found this in the 1990s. | ||
| He was some farmer, and he was fucking digging in his backyard in Turkey. | ||
| It's like a goat herder or some shit, and he found some thing sticking up. | ||
| He's like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| And it turns out there's all these giant fucking stone circles of huge columns and shit. | ||
| All on his land. | ||
| All on his land and all done like way, way, way before they thought anybody was doing anything like this. | ||
| They had to rewrite the whole situation because of this stuff. | ||
| They thought people were just hunter-gatherers back then. | ||
| So they're still trying to attribute it somehow to hunter-gatherers, but it doesn't make sense. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| It's a giant fucking temple. | ||
| Yeah, good luck. | ||
| It's a fucking crazy giant stone-carved temple. | ||
| And you want to tell me that people who made this were just running around chasing animals? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It blows me away that over time that much dirt and just shit has just piled up to cover that temple and now it's just on some dude's farmland. | ||
| Well actually this one I think they believe was covered over on purpose. | ||
| They believe that someone at some point in time actually covered it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, because of the nature of the dirt that's covering it, they believe that it's actually artificial, that someone brought it in and covered up the stone structures. | ||
| Some guy with an ancient backhoe? | ||
| Yeah, ancient backhoe. | ||
| It's dogs. | ||
| A lot of dudes who listen to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it is. | |
| That was your number one resource back then. | ||
| The slaves who built the pyramids are like, oh, we got another project. | ||
| So what we're talking about then is like 12,000 years. | ||
| That's a long, long, long fucking time ago. | ||
| But even then, it just doesn't make sense. | ||
| Like, where did this animal come from? | ||
| How did this animal get so much different than all these other monkeys? | ||
| How did it figure out tools? | ||
| How did it figure out language? | ||
| Why is it so different in its ability to communicate? | ||
| The idea is that somehow or another, the aliens came down and said, God, you know how long it's going to take for these fucking monkeys to ever figure out anything? | ||
| It could take billions of years, and it can never happen. | ||
| They could go extinct. | ||
| Look, they live outside. | ||
| They haven't even figured out fire. | ||
| This might not ever work out. | ||
| They might catch some crazy infection, or there might be some spider that's fucking toxic that likes to live in their sheets and eats them alive. | ||
| There might be no chance of these monkeys making it. | ||
| How about we do this? | ||
| How about we just inject a little of our DNA and just spice up the process a little bit? | ||
| And that's the idea. | ||
| And that's also the idea of a guy named Zachariah Sitchin, and he wrote all these books about this shit, about the ancient Sumerians had written this. | ||
| Very controversial stuff But it's all about the Sumerian text And how the Anunnaki We're on this planet That's in an elliptical orbit And every 3,600 years It comes near our planet And they hop off And fucking come hang out with us for a little Show us some shit And then disappear And then by the time 3,600 years rolls around We forget about it again So when are we due Probably like a week or so. | ||
| You just gotta get online. | ||
| Probably December 21st, 2012. Yeah, right. | ||
| That's probably the... | ||
| Only the people think that. | ||
| There's people that believe there's a planet out there and it's headed our way. | ||
| They can't see it yet, but it's headed our way. | ||
| And it's giant. | ||
| What's really scary is that that definitely can happen. | ||
| You know, planets get hit by planets all the time in the solar system. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or in the universe, rather. | ||
| I mean, it hasn't happened... | ||
| We know it's happened in certain parts of our solar system. | ||
| Like, I think it's Uranus is spinning upside down. | ||
| Is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| One of them, one of the planets is spinning, like the rings are going the wrong way, and they believe more than likely it's because it got fucking nailed by another planet. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They just fly into each other and shit. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| That happened to Earth. | ||
| Earth 1 and Earth 2, that's how the moon was created. | ||
| Earth 1, like 4 billion years ago, got hit with some Mars-sized planet and just slammed into us and knocked off a fucking slab, and that created the moon. | ||
| Useless Astronomy 101! | ||
| That was your last Thursday night? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| On the internet with this? | ||
| No, man. | ||
| I've been obsessed with all this shit forever. | ||
| That's what I love about you, dude. | ||
| You're able to retain all this shit. | ||
| I don't remember anything, man. | ||
| Well, you would if it was interesting to you. | ||
| This stuff is absolutely fascinating to me, so I retain all sorts of stupid shit when it comes to that. | ||
| I find it fascinating, but I'll get into an article and I'll read three sentences and then go make a sandwich and then forget what I was doing. | ||
| Get some alpha brain in your system, son. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| Don't be scared of the alpha brain. | ||
| Get some shroom tech in your feet. | ||
| Get some alpha brain in your head. | ||
| When you're not working, do you sit around and watch documentaries? | ||
| Do you ever purposely sit down and go, okay, I'm going to watch Grizzly Man. | ||
| I'm going to get some fucking material out of this. | ||
| I don't sit down to get material. | ||
| No? | ||
| Never? | ||
| No. | ||
| Do you write? | ||
| When you write your stand-up, do you sit down and go, okay, I'm going to sit down and I'm going to write some stand-up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you force yourself to do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many times a week do you try to do it? | ||
| If it's good, it's five days a week. | ||
| Wow, good for you. | ||
| And it went from 45 minutes a day to an hour. | ||
| Because I felt like an hour was out of reach, but I could do 45 minutes. | ||
| And then a lot of times I would end up going an hour anyway. | ||
| So then I would just go for an hour. | ||
| But then when shit just starts getting busy, I don't sit down maybe once a week, you know? | ||
| I don't sit down and go, I'm going to go create all this stuff. | ||
| A lot of it's just like going over old stuff, tidying it up, making it funnier. | ||
| I have a bank of old shit that I'll open up a file. | ||
| I never did anything with that. | ||
| Is there anything there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got that. | |
| I got the tape recorder that I always have. | ||
| Oh, you're still rocking a tape recorder. | ||
| It's digital. | ||
| It's great because I just dump it in and it's an MP3 and then I listen to it on my headphones or whatever. | ||
| I used to do that until I got an iPhone. | ||
| And the iPhone voice recorder app is so much better. | ||
| I can actually write in the name of what I thought of. | ||
| Yeah, I like that. | ||
| You know, Blue Smurf Dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
| And then that's like, you look at it and you go right to the voice note. | ||
| And you can have Siri play it. | ||
| You can say, Siri, play me Blue Smurf Dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it'll play it. | ||
| I just got the iPhone though, so I don't even... | ||
| I mean, I know about that stuff. | ||
| You just got it? | ||
| Are you a noob? | ||
| I'm a noob. | ||
| Voice Notes is in there. | ||
| It's free. | ||
| It's a free application. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| But I mean, it's like I have this. | ||
| I spent the money for this. | ||
| I'm going to use it because it doesn't... | ||
| Throw that into the crowd when someone angers you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The other cool thing about the iPhone is you can record all of your sets. | ||
| I record all my stats on the voice thing, and you just make sure that you put it on airplane mode so that it doesn't get a phone call. | ||
| Because if you get a phone call, it'll kill the recording. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It stops it. | ||
| It stops it dead. | ||
| Use Evernote if you haven't started that. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| It's a program where you can type your notes up on your computer, and it automatically just syncs it with your... | ||
| Do you have to have MobileMe for that, though? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| This is a free app in the App Store, and Evernote's on Evernote.com, I think. | ||
| Yeah, does Evernote work with the new voice software on Apple? | ||
| Can you talk to Evernote? | ||
| Evernote has its own recorder built into the program, Evernote. | ||
| But it's a recording. | ||
| It's not a translation. | ||
| It's not like a transcription software. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| Because the droids have transcription shit built into different things. | ||
| Yeah, they have with Dragon, I think, but... | ||
| Or you can do it on Siri, you know? | ||
| Can you do it on... | ||
| But what I'm saying is, like, you don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Someone out there will know. | ||
| But if you can, that would be a good move for Evernote. | ||
| Where you can talk to it and actually write it down. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, instead of just recording it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because then it wouldn't be any better than Voice Recorder. | ||
| You know Neil Brennan? | ||
| Do you know Neil Brennan? | ||
| He had a great line about having something like a piece of paper or having a voice recorder when you're a comic. | ||
| And he goes, it's like I'm fishing for ideas and I catch one in my net. | ||
| And if I don't write it down, it's going to get away. | ||
| But I write it down and then I've caught it forever. | ||
| It's in my net. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, it is. | ||
| Sometimes it's just the discipline to sit down and write shit out. | ||
| Because the discipline to write shit out is such a different mindset than the mindset that comes up with something silly. | ||
| You'll come up with something hilarious and ridiculous, and that mindset is just like this shit-talking, good-time, fucking-around mindset. | ||
| And then the other mindset is, we might be able to make money off this here. | ||
| This little piece of gold we got here, so make sure we type this up, you know? | ||
| It's funny how they're both completely different mindsets, where it's like, we know a lot of funny people that never write their shit down, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I'm a better comic when I do that. | ||
| And when I don't, I suck a dick, man. | ||
| I always tell everybody that, man. | ||
| I was like, there's two jobs, man. | ||
| One job is performing. | ||
| There's another job is writing. | ||
| You have to do both. | ||
| If you just try to come up with only shit on stage and that's improving it on stage, you can do that. | ||
| And I've done that for years. | ||
| I did that for a long time. | ||
| I just only worked on my material on stage. | ||
| But this was like pre-internet days. | ||
| Much less people had access to your material. | ||
| If you want to continue to process new shit... | ||
| You come up with new good stuff. | ||
| You've got to write. | ||
| Yeah, that stuff is fine, but if you are sitting down to do it too, that's the way to go. | ||
| Yeah, it's both. | ||
| Because it doesn't exclude the ability to ad-lib on stage. | ||
| Kira Soltanovich only writes on stage, she told me. | ||
| You know who that is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't know who that is. | |
| It's just a comic. | ||
| Does she suck? | ||
| No, she's funny. | ||
| She's hilarious? | ||
| She's really funny. | ||
| But she only writes on stage. | ||
| And I was just like, I can't. | ||
| She goes, well, I just can't sit down and write. | ||
| And it's like, well, you've got to force yourself to do that. | ||
| Yeah, Ari used to do it that way. | ||
| Ari used to never write on stage. | ||
| I used to tell him, or only write on stage. | ||
| I used to tell him, did you sit down and write, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I write on stage. | |
| I write on stage. | ||
| It's like, that's not writing, dude. | ||
| That's performing. | ||
| You're lazy. | ||
| But this is the same guy who didn't clean his sheets for six months. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| But when you're doing a bit, like I'll do bits that I've done for years, and all of a sudden I come up with a new tag on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| That new tag is only going to come out on stage, not when I'm sitting down in my underwear or whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And isn't it weird that you forget the tag, and then you'll be back in the bit and go, oh, here it is. | ||
| It goes right here. | ||
| I've got gas. | ||
| Tag lines, for folks who don't know, they're like a little gift from the universe. | ||
| It's like, you'll be on stage, you got this perfect... | ||
| I've had jokes that I thought were... | ||
| I was like, I really like this joke. | ||
| And then you have a tagline, boom! | ||
| And it's like, oh, now this joke's a weapon. | ||
| Now this joke has just hit some critical mass. | ||
| Yeah, you're like, this joke is good, it's done. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Never done. | ||
| Do you have a schedule, like what you try to do, like put out shit for a couple years, put it down on a CD, and then try to write a whole new schedule or a whole new act? | ||
| No, I want to get to that point. | ||
| Yeah, I've been recently doing that over the last few years. | ||
| My last few specials have done that, where I abandoned one and started another one. | ||
| It forces you to get after it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because right now, dude, I'm still doing shit for my second year of comedy. | ||
| How long had you been in when we met you? | ||
| When did we meet? | ||
| Like 2004, 2005? | ||
| Somewhere along there. | ||
| Had I done Last Comic yet? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was before Last Comic. | ||
| Then I think it was like 2005. It might have been 2004. It was during the dark Joey Diaz days. | ||
| Joey Diaz, I've told this story before. | ||
| I used to only bring one guy on the road with me. | ||
| Because, you know, I do like an hour and 20 minutes or whatever. | ||
| I only need one guy. | ||
| And, you know, it's fun traveling with one comic. | ||
| Sometimes when you're traveling with two comics, you've got to get organized. | ||
| We lost Brendan Walsh in Houston. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| We got up in the morning and Brendan Walsh wasn't awake. | ||
| He just wouldn't fucking wake up. | ||
| Called his room. | ||
| So we're trying to figure out how to get the fuck to the airport. | ||
| We had to abandon Brendan Walsh. | ||
| We had to leave him behind. | ||
| But with Joey, I just could never be sure he was going to show up. | ||
| I never knew. | ||
| I never knew. | ||
| And Phoenix was a perfect example. | ||
| He didn't show up. | ||
| He was supposed to go to Phoenix and he just fucking slipped in between the howling... | ||
| You did like a Thursday night show at Tempe. | ||
| Yeah, and he wasn't there. | ||
| It was so fucking weird. | ||
| Like after your show, they had some weird contest or whatever that Danny Murr asked me to do. | ||
| I don't even know what the fuck it was for. | ||
| And so the whole crowd stayed. | ||
| You like sold out Thursday night. | ||
| The whole crowd stayed. | ||
| And the first comic who went up just ate dog shit. | ||
| And I don't even know who she was. | ||
| I mean, just some horrible comic. | ||
| And like half the crowd gets up and walks out. | ||
| And I was like, and I'm last. | ||
| I'm like, fuck this. | ||
| And then I remember I saw you sit down to eat a meal after the show, and you're sitting there, and you were even turning to Dan, and you're like, what is this show going on? | ||
| I'm like, I finished the show, now there's another show, and this sucks. | ||
| The same audience? | ||
| Yeah, and everyone's walking up and leaving, and I got back up, and there was like 12 people in the crowd, and I was like... | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I was so pissed. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck anymore. | ||
| So I started doing my jokes. | ||
| People were laughing, but I heard you laughing the loudest from the back. | ||
| I was like, oh, well, this was a victory for tonight. | ||
| And then you would ask me, you're like, hey, can you open for me the rest of the weekend? | ||
| Because Joey Diaz isn't here. | ||
| Yeah, that's how we met. | ||
| It was like 2004, but that was maybe my first show was February of 2003. Yeah. | ||
| Oh, so you were really recent. | ||
| I was fresh, man. | ||
| Yeah, you were really fresh. | ||
| I think you had said you had just been doing it a year. | ||
| I had like a tight seven, which was good, you know? | ||
| You did a great job, man. | ||
| For someone who never performed in that sort of a situation on a weekend, a paid show. | ||
| It's a difference. | ||
| A paid show is a big difference. | ||
| Yeah, when there's money on the table. | ||
| They go, who's this guy? | ||
| When does Joey Diaz get up there? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then they find out that Joey Diaz, I ain't got a lot of your dog in Neverless Vegas. | ||
| This is one of the influences. | ||
| He did it a bunch of times. | ||
| But it was back in the dark days. | ||
| Joey's very reliable now. | ||
| He scares the shit out of me, man. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| I love him, but he scares the shit out of me. | ||
| I did shows in Tucson with him, and I was so afraid to talk to him. | ||
| Why? | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Well, because he's just rough, and he's not bad aggressive, but he's just in your face a little bit. | ||
| He gets mad at me. | ||
| He'll get mad at me. | ||
| What was the last thing he got mad at me for? | ||
| Oh, Susquehanna weed. | ||
| He didn't like my weed. | ||
| We fucked up, and someone told me you should grind your weed in a coffee grinder. | ||
| And I'm like, ah, that seems like it would make sense. | ||
| You just, like, it would be really quick, right? | ||
| But when you do that, it makes it way too fine. | ||
| And it packed these joints so thick, you literally couldn't inhale through them. | ||
| So you couldn't get high. | ||
| It was like, we figured it out. | ||
| We figured it after a while. | ||
| You have to use, like, a regular grinder. | ||
| You can't use a coffee grinder. | ||
| It's just too much. | ||
| So we did it with Joey, and he got so mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was like, give me this fucking Susquehanna weed! | |
| Susquehanna, we thought he was talking about Hannah Montana, and it turns out that Susquehanna, because that's what he'll say, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, he wouldn't call you Josh McDermott. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would call you, fucking, you know, I like that guy, that Josh McDougal, he's fucking hilarious. | |
| And he would come up with just a subtle, and I think he does it a little bit on purpose, you know, just a subtle fuck up in the way you need. | ||
| He still calls Nick Swanson. | ||
| Yeah, Nick Swanson, he calls Nick Swanson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, he goes, listen, Brian Redman, I'm tired of your bullshit. | |
| Yeah, but he's a great guy. | ||
| He's a national treasure to me. | ||
| Guys like that, it's just like, how do you create a guy like that? | ||
| You could throw a million people through life and you will never get a Joey Diaz. | ||
| It's a rare combination of events that have to take place to get a guy that's just that comical and doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| That's an original human. | ||
| It's so hard for someone to really truly be themselves. | ||
| It's a very difficult thing that we have in this life, this want for self-acceptance and sex and money and poor Brian can't get on Wikipedia. | ||
| He gets upset about that. | ||
| Very few people in this world learn how to just not give a fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not give a fuck. | ||
| And Joey doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Joey just dears. | ||
| Listen, dog. | ||
| If I'm on Wikipedia, I'm on Wikipedia. | ||
| Whatever, dog. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I ain't got time for that. | ||
| You know what I'm on? | ||
| I'm on JoeyCocoDiaz.com. | ||
| Go hit me up on Facebook, Twitter. | ||
| Check yourself before you wreck yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health. | |
| Are you going to any Halloween parties this year that you have to dress up for? | ||
| Yes, and unfortunately, I took my three-and-a-half-year-old to the Halloween store. | ||
| It's her idea. | ||
| Like, Daddy, we have to get you a costume. | ||
| We have to get you a costume. | ||
| All right, let's do it. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| So she picked out this really fucking scary mask. | ||
| I would go get it for you guys, but it's upstairs. | ||
| It's a really scary zombie mask. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I'm going to be a zombie. | ||
| But I showed it to the one-year-old, and the one-year-old just started shaking her head. | ||
| I'm like, oh, man. | ||
| Throwing that away. | ||
| I can't wear it. | ||
| And so then I said, well, I'll just play with it with the three and a half year old. | ||
| But when I put it on, take it off, daddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Take it off. | |
| I got to take it off. | ||
| I'm like, okay, I'm taking it off. | ||
| And she's like, okay, put it on again. | ||
| And I put it on again. | ||
| She says, no, no, no. | ||
| Take it off. | ||
| Take it off. | ||
| It's too scary. | ||
| It's too scary. | ||
| So I fucked up. | ||
| That was my mom, dude. | ||
| She's like the female Andy Kaufman, right? | ||
| She would put these ugly, hideous masks on that looked like you dumped acid on their face and everything. | ||
| Oh my god, your mom would do that? | ||
| Yeah, dude, my mom was fucking crazy, right? | ||
| So we'd come home from school and she'd be sitting on the porch wrapped up in a blanket and a hat with that mask on. | ||
| And we'd be like, hey mom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She'd be like, oh my god. | |
| Just coming after it, like eight years old, just scaring the shit out of us. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Why did your mom want to scare you so bad? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think she wanted to be a comic, but she just never really did anything about it. | ||
| Dude, she's the funniest person I know. | ||
| For us, for someone who's done comedy, isn't it a sad, sad thing when you meet someone who really should be a comic and they're not doing it? | ||
| We've all met them, right? | ||
| Right, absolutely. | ||
| Some of the funniest people I know... | ||
| Are not comedians. | ||
| Not tied to the entertainment industry at all. | ||
| Yeah, I've met some hilarious regular people. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| My mom would do some crazy, crazy dark shit. | ||
| Like when she was nine months pregnant with my little brother. | ||
| I'm like four or five years old and she says, I did something bad. | ||
| And she's like, come into the kitchen. | ||
| You're getting punished. | ||
| I go into the kitchen. | ||
| She sits down on a stool and she goes, listen, how do you want me to punish you? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She goes, well, I'm going to kill your little brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, she told me this at five years old. | ||
| She sat on a stool, lifted her stomach, had a retractable knife, which I didn't know was retractable, and started jamming it into her stomach, going, ah! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, oh my god! | |
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| That was the childhood I grew up in. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Dude, what the fuck? | ||
| Like that type of shit. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So then, of course, you know, she'd pull her, she'd go, this is a retractable knife, and knowing my mom, she would do that shit all the time, but I'd be like, oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| That's like the mother version of those cops that made those kids sit in the corner. | ||
| That's like the mother version of that. | ||
| Your mother's a criminal. | ||
| It sounds like growing up in the family guy house. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, that sounded like so cartoonish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| Is your mom still around? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Is she still crazy as fuck? | ||
| You want to get revenge? | ||
| We could do something really cool. | ||
| Well, don't listen to him. | ||
| He'll get you locked up in jail. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| You have a fine career ahead of you. | ||
| You're an excellent stand-up comic. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I got the shit sprayed. | ||
| It's called Liquid Ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do it. | |
| It's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do it. | |
| I love my mom. | ||
| Next thing you know, someone's dead hanging from a tree. | ||
| That's how it goes. | ||
| I don't resent her for any of this stuff, you know? | ||
| Well, it made you probably funny. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why you're so irreverent, you know? | ||
| You have such a funny sense of humor, maybe. | ||
| No, that's absolutely what it is. | ||
| But now that she had six kids, and then everybody's got grandkids and everything, so she starts to fuck with the grandkids a little bit. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| This woman has to be stopped. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| My brothers and sisters, we're all kind of onto her, so we're a little more protective. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god! | |
| So, like, my sister had a kid, like, and I don't know, he was like eight months old or whatever, he was in her bedroom, like, with pillows around him on the bed so he wouldn't roll off or whatever, and we were just sitting around, and my sister-in-law goes, where's Judy? | ||
| And you hear her from the bedroom, she goes, I'm not doing anything, which is scary shit, because my mom's, like, always doing something, and we went back there, and she was just sitting on the bed with the baby, and we don't know what the fuck was going on. | ||
| What? | ||
| We don't think she was doing anything, but you still don't know with her because she was always... | ||
| What are you worried about? | ||
| What do you think she would do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it was never like... | ||
| Dangerous? | ||
| It was never dangerous. | ||
| It was never like... | ||
| She's really crazy. | ||
| Fun crazy. | ||
| Not like crazy like we're not going to let you be around the kids. | ||
| That's kind of crazy, but you were worried that she was in there alone with the baby. | ||
| Well, yeah, well, I think it was more like, well, where is she? | ||
| Why are we all at her house and sitting in her living room and she's not here? | ||
| Yeah, but when someone says, I'm not doing anything... | ||
| I'm not doing anything, which may have just been to fuck with us. | ||
| Like, she would do that, too. | ||
| Right, I get it, yeah. | ||
| Like, it's not bad crazy. | ||
| I mean, it's a baby like a trumpet, right? | ||
| Obviously, stabbing your stomach for your five-year-old was probably a poor choice in judgment, but... | ||
| I knew my mom well enough at that point that I was like, oh, she's just kidding around once she told me. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I'd come home from school and she'd pop some blood capsules in her mouth and lay on the sidewalk or in the middle of the way and I'd come home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| But we'd just step over and be like, get up, mom. | ||
| She was trying to get us to think that she passed out or something. | ||
| Oh my god, but what if she actually did? | ||
| Again, it's just like that fucking shitty sheriff. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Your mom cried wolf every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, every day. | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| Fucked with us, man. | ||
| Wow, but look. | ||
| Look at the sense of humor you got out of it. | ||
| Oh, she loves it. | ||
| She's milking it, too, with her friends. | ||
| That you're a comic now? | ||
| My son's a comic. | ||
| Yeah, I told you I was funny. | ||
| I got funny genes. | ||
| She's all over Facebook. | ||
| She just knocked it off. | ||
| She's all over Facebook? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's upsetting me. | ||
| The last time I saw a mom that was into her son's career, it was Stanhope's mom. | ||
| Stanhope's mom was pretty fucking funny. | ||
| She was hilarious. | ||
| She used to review porn for us on the Man Show. | ||
| Stanhope's mom was hilarious. | ||
| She was a character, man. | ||
| Really fucking funny lady. | ||
| Well, my mom's the type of woman that if I ever wanted her to do bits and everything, she would, but, you know, she fucked with us a lot, man. | ||
| I mean, I got stories, just tons of stupid shit that she would do. | ||
| That's how you become a comic, I guess, though, right? | ||
| I mean, I don't think you become a comic, well, you can't say you never know. | ||
| You really, there's no clear path. | ||
| It could be just someone has a sense of humor. | ||
| And regardless of how nice their family was where they grew up. | ||
| I think guys with seemingly perfect lives who have become comics and they're funny. | ||
| But if your childhood and upbringing was a little fucked up, that's a mine for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mine. | |
| Gold mine. | ||
| I haven't really talked about my mom on stage much just because I don't want to blow it too early. | ||
| Because, you know, like, the longer you do comedy, the funnier you become, and you kind of understand your point of view a little bit more. | ||
| I know that there's such great shit there, I don't want to blow it early. | ||
| Dude, what you just told us on stage. | ||
| You don't think that could be hilarious on a show, or telling what you just told us on stage? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The knife, have you ever talked about that on stage? | ||
| A little bit, and people didn't laugh, so that may have scared me away, too. | ||
| It's like, I know this is great, but I... Dude, it's hilarious. | ||
| The problem is people are more horrified than finding it funny. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But your sense of humor is a little warped that you found it hilarious. | ||
| And then you went, well, that's fucked up. | ||
| You just have to relieve them of that. | ||
| You have to somehow or another relieve them of that. | ||
| Yeah, add fake ketchup instead of blood and dipping fries into it. | ||
| Okay, those motherfuckers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not even listening. | |
| Silly, silly, silly boy. | ||
| So if anybody wants to find Josh, Josh is a fine stand-up comic. | ||
| He travels all over the place. | ||
| And your TV show is... | ||
| Retired at 35. We just got an air date. | ||
| Our second season starts in March. | ||
| And what network is it on? | ||
| TV Land. | ||
| It's a small cable network owned by MTV. That's cool. | ||
| I love that channel. | ||
| It's what I go to sleep with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's great, too. | |
| They do reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. | ||
| Lucy. | ||
| Lucy, yeah. | ||
| Cosby Show. | ||
| You ever watch old Lucy's? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're great. | |
| You were a radio DJ for a while? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where at? | ||
| In Phoenix. | ||
| In Phoenix, Arizona? | ||
| Did I ever tell you how to... | ||
| Do we got time? | ||
| Did I ever tell you how I started with that? | ||
| No. | ||
| So I was like 14 years old. | ||
| Do you remember the Tim and Willie show in Phoenix? | ||
| Do you remember radio shows at all? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Brian remembers. | ||
| So that was the show I worked for. | ||
| Tim and Willie. | ||
| Tim and Willie. | ||
| It's country music. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So anyway... | ||
| I probably did their show. | ||
| I did a lot of different shows. | ||
| Yeah, you did our show a lot. | ||
| But... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did? | |
| Every time we... | ||
| What is it that I did with you? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| I was the producer. | ||
| They were one of the shows that we would go to every time we went there. | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| And Tim, we ran into Tim at the mall one day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wandered around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Super cool guys. | ||
| Yeah, they're great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So I was like 14 years old and it was right when that song Achy Breaky Heart was out and people were starting to make fun of it. | ||
| You know the Billy Ray Cyrus song? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Achy Breaky Heart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I would listen to their show because I thought they just had a funny radio show, not necessarily because of the country music. | ||
| I could give a shit. | ||
| So one day I called up And I'm 14 years old and I requested Achy Breaky Heart, but I did a funny voice. | ||
| I said, hello, my name is Kako. | ||
| Can you play Achy Breaky Heart? | ||
| And they're like, what the fuck is your name? | ||
| And I said, oh, it's Kako. | ||
| And they started asking me about it. | ||
| Well, I hadn't... | ||
| Thought of like a backstory and all this stuff. | ||
| So I'm like making it up on the fly. | ||
| I'm like, well, I'm Filipino. | ||
| I just moved to America. | ||
| I love Vicky Breaky Heart. | ||
| And they're like, well, sing it for us. | ||
| So I started singing it for them. | ||
| And like, they loved it. | ||
| They're like, hey, call us back anytime, Kako. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| So I'd call back every fucking day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| That's awesome! | ||
| And I became this mini-celebrity on their show as Kako, which they didn't know was a fake guy. | ||
| The story I told them, in the split second where I was coming up with this backstory, I said I was born in England and moved to the Philippines when I was two years old because my father was in the Royal Air Force. | ||
| That way I thought, if I ever meet them, that will be the justification as to why I'm a white guy. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious! | ||
| So you were going to show up a white guy with a Filipino accent? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my god, that's brilliant. | ||
| So they were like, oh yeah, Kako, call us anytime! | ||
| And they would play the fucking phone calls. | ||
| Then I started calling up as a guy named Josh, and I'm like, dude, I'm Kako's biggest fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| Could you play his phone call from yesterday? | ||
| So I was like marketing myself and everything. | ||
| That's genius. | ||
| So they would do these little concerts and like Garth Brooks would come into town and they would introduce Garth Brooks on stage and they would invite some of the players from the radio show out and then, you know, Kako was like this big star and he would come out there. | ||
| In fact, the first time I met them, I walked into the studio and they just looked at me and they're like, what the fuck? | ||
| And they're like, okay, you can drop the accent now. | ||
| And I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I never broke character, dude. | |
| Really? | ||
| Never broke character. | ||
| And this whole bit came about how I was looking for a job. | ||
| I was in high school and they were trying to find me a job. | ||
| And then they would find me these jobs, but I couldn't go to the job because I was fucking in high school. | ||
| And they're like, hey, you know, so they call me, like, Kako, yeah, you never showed up for your job. | ||
| I'm like, well, I slept in, you know. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| So I had, like, ten different characters going on on the show, and they didn't know it was all from one guy. | ||
| And then they said, at one point, they were like, Kako, you should work down here, man. | ||
| And that's when I got scared. | ||
| And I was like, oh, this is my real voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And their jaws dropped. | ||
| I thought I was going to get arrested or something. | ||
| And they're like, dude, you have to work down here. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| So that's how I got the job with them. | ||
| And so from, gosh, what was that? | ||
| 1993 until 2007, I worked for them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| That's amazing! | ||
| We were syndicated for a while. | ||
| You were there for 14 years? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were syndicated for a while. | ||
| I was the producer for that, and I would travel the country. | ||
| So did we meet when I came in to do it? | ||
| Because I never really remember sitting down and talking to you until I saw you on stage. | ||
| Yeah, we met. | ||
| I met you before that. | ||
| Was it just like a high, walking through the hallway? | ||
| Yeah, it was just like, hey, can I get you some water? | ||
| And we're going on the air in 10 minutes, or some of that bullshit. | ||
| I probably remember this. | ||
| Because I must have remembered it when I first saw you do stand-up. | ||
| Because I'm remembering it now. | ||
| I got a glimmer of it now. | ||
| I think you would ask someone from the club, you were like, hey, who was that blonde fat kid with the glasses who was funny last night? | ||
| I wanted him to open for me. | ||
| And they're like, oh, we'll see him tomorrow morning. | ||
| And you probably came in and did our show, and then you said, hey, do you want to open the rest of the week? | ||
| It was something like that. | ||
| It might have been. | ||
| It might have been that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was so long ago. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| Time flies, man. | ||
| But we would have all the comics on, and I've met so many people, and I don't ever expect anyone to remember who the fuck I was. | ||
| That must have been a cool job. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Thinking about doing stand-up. | ||
| Well, it started to suck, and that's why I started doing stand-up, because we got bought out by Clear Channel. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| And that just made me... | ||
| What happened? | ||
| They sucked the fun out of it, man. | ||
| What'd they do? | ||
| Just all the budget cuts. | ||
| My mind just works in being funny. | ||
| I just want to be funny. | ||
| And then they were just like, well, we need you to start figuring out ways we can sell advertising time. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm a fucking writer and a producer. | ||
| Talk to the salespeople. | ||
| It just made the show not fun. | ||
| We started to have... | ||
| They wanted you to find? | ||
| Well, yeah, it was like, well, what kind of bits can we do that we can sell to an advertiser, to this tire company? | ||
| What? | ||
| So this tire company, we've got this advertiser, and they want to buy airtime with us, but they only want to do it on the morning show. | ||
| They're like, so can you figure out a funny bit we can incorporate tires into? | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's like weird shit like that. | ||
| And I'm just like, this is not fun. | ||
| That's a dumb way to approach it. | ||
| They should say, just make it the funniest thing possible and we'll sell regular ads. | ||
| Go! | ||
| Just be nutty. | ||
| Our radio station was owned by Buck Owens. | ||
| You know who Buck Owens is? | ||
| Country star. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Legendary dude. | ||
| And he owned like two or three radio stations and we were one of them. | ||
| So we were like the focus of that company. | ||
| When Clear Channel came in, they got hundreds of stations that could give a shit about us. | ||
| And it just stopped being fun, so I had a buddy who started doing stand-up, and I was writing jokes for him, and then I'm like, I'll give this a shot. | ||
| And it was more of an outlet for me because I'd have to censor myself on the air. | ||
| They got this guy, I don't remember his name, but he was like the CEO or something. | ||
| And he was always like, I think he was listening to a 50 Cent song. | ||
| And his daughter was in the car and he had to turn it down. | ||
| He's like, we're censoring everything. | ||
| Clear Channel really started putting their thumb on everything. | ||
| So much shit was edited. | ||
| Fucking 50 Cent. | ||
| All that stuff. | ||
| 50 Cent and white girls. | ||
| Janet Jackson, 50 Cent and white girls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just a big mess. | ||
| You need a podcast. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Ryan, what are you going to do for me, man? | ||
| I'll get you that Wikipedia page. | ||
| Well, listen, man. | ||
| If you sign up on The Desk Squad and be a part of his podcast network, they right now are number seven. | ||
| There's a number seven. | ||
| That's what? | ||
| Yes, right now. | ||
| He's in the top ten. | ||
| That's great, man. | ||
| Well, we started doing this thing live at the Ice House. | ||
| And we aired one half of it on mine and one half of it on his. | ||
| And when we put one half of it on his, his shit jumped all the way up. | ||
| Oh, number six! | ||
| He's number six right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Automatically, you're going to get seen or listened to by hundreds of thousands of people that you wouldn't normally do. | ||
| So we'll just do it on his. | ||
| Dude, you're perfect for this. | ||
| You've got great stories. | ||
| You're a fucking smart guy. | ||
| It'll help your stand-up. | ||
| It's easy as fuck to do. | ||
| And you could probably set it up where you could do it from your own fucking house and just get Brian in the file. | ||
| Not hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You've got to come over to my house now? | ||
| No, you have to come to my house. | ||
| Why are you making him come over to your house? | ||
| Dude, I'm on a TV show, man. | ||
| I don't have to go to your house. | ||
| I think it's your own show, too, right? | ||
| Well, I mean, that's what I tell people. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| Who's the star? | ||
| George Segal. | ||
| Oh, the old dude? | ||
| Yeah, from Just Shoot Me. | ||
| Oh, that guy's a great actor. | ||
| Jessica Walter, the old man. | ||
| The old man. | ||
| The old woman from Arrested Development. | ||
| Someone else is doing something with him. | ||
| I like her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's cute. | |
| I think we talked about this Friday night at the Ice House. | ||
| Was that what it was? | ||
| Oh, that's what it was. | ||
| And we talked about it on the actual Live at the Ice House podcast. | ||
| So that one, that one Live at the Ice House podcast, that's what did it. | ||
| So get in with us, son! | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| Every comic needs this, man. | ||
| Every comic. | ||
| It's like having your own radio station with no fucking clear channel. | ||
| Not one cunt to step in and tell you. | ||
| There's no way I would be able to say cunt this much on a radio station as many times as I said it. | ||
| Juicy black cunt. | ||
| I've tallied it only because it's habit. | ||
| I've tallied you and you've said it 14 times, but that's only because it's out of habit. | ||
| Do you do it out of habit because of a radio career? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because of years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| I said cunt 14? | ||
| 15. 15 now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Nice! | ||
| Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. | ||
| Some guy's going to go back and check now. | ||
| Cunt's a beautiful word. | ||
| The end. | ||
| The end of this fucking podcast. | ||
| Thank you to Josh McDermott. | ||
| Hilarious stand-up comic. | ||
| My friend for many a year now. | ||
| And please follow him on Twitter. | ||
| It's Josh McDermott. | ||
| D-E-R-M-I-T-T. That's Mick D-E-R-M-I-T-T. Follow him on Twitter. | ||
| And thank you to The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Thank you also to Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Onnit! | ||
| Makers of Alpha Brain and New Mood. | ||
| New Mood is a 5-HTP mood enhancing supplement. | ||
| And we always say, by the way, if you say, oh, this stuff's expensive. | ||
| I understand if you're on a budget. | ||
| All the ingredients are clearly listed online. | ||
| If you would like, please duplicate them yourself. | ||
| Go to a discount vitamin store. | ||
| Get all the ingredients. | ||
| Put it together yourself. | ||
| Tell me that you saved money and that you're happy with the results and I'll be just as happy. | ||
| I fucking swear to God. | ||
| But if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the On It link and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save 10% off of the Alpha Brain supplement that I will be giving Josh McDermott along with a free fleshlight as he leaves tonight. | ||
| Will your girl... | ||
| Do you have a steady woman in your life? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you think that she would be offended by this new intruder, this rubber vagina? | ||
| I would not be offended. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll see. | |
| Thank you, Brian. | ||
| This fucking show's over. | ||
| Alright, we'll see you guys on Thursday. | ||
| Probably do a Thursday afternoon show. | ||
| Are we going to do Eliza? | ||
| She's recording her show still, but she's coming up soon. | ||
| Who are we going to do on Thursday? | ||
| We're doing so many on Thursday. | ||
| Who are we doing? | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
| We'll figure it out. | ||
| Thursday, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a 3-3-3 podcast week! | |
| And this is UFC weekend, too, so we'll probably talk about that on Thursday, too. | ||
| Maybe we'll get Joe Diaz in here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Listen, cocksuck, I got other shit going on. | ||
| You might want to walk on ice, you might as well dance. | ||
| That's the end of this podcast. | ||
| As always, all you people out there driving your cars, listening on your treadmill, whatever the fuck you're doing, we're all in this together. | ||
| And we love you. | ||
| And we'll see you soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. |
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