Sept. 6, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:34:57
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| We're never going to get back to that ladies and gentlemen The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| With that said, holla at your boy. | ||
| John Heffron's in the motherfucking house. | ||
| Joe Diaz on the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan experience. | |
| We're rolling Hey everybody What the fuck? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi, Joe. | |
| My pal, my neighbor, winner of Last Comic Standing, the great John Heffron is in the house. | ||
| John, if you don't know, has his own podcast now with another hilarious guy, John Reap, who also is a winner of Last Comic Standing. | ||
| So, two Last Comic Standing champions together on one podcast. | ||
| What do you guys call it? | ||
| We're calling it The Last Podcasting. | ||
| The Last Podcasting. | ||
| Yeah, we couldn't figure out the name. | ||
| I didn't want to kind of have a silly name. | ||
| Kevin Smith took the rubber off your thing. | ||
| Will you stuff it back on? | ||
| Yeah, he's real particular. | ||
| I think these things are good. | ||
| The spit shields. | ||
| People don't like that popping shit in their ear. | ||
| But Kevin Smith likes to hear it raw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because he takes it low, Joe. | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| What do you call it again? | ||
| What's the podcast called? | ||
| The Last Podcasting. | ||
| The Last Podcasting. | ||
| The last one? | ||
| Are you claiming this? | ||
| Is it? | ||
| No one after you? | ||
| Just because it's obviously playing on Last Comic Standing, we didn't know if you wanted to call it... | ||
| Think of it with a clown horn behind it. | ||
| Is Last Comic Standing such a big thing in your life that you would do that? | ||
| When you look back at your accomplishments as a comic, is that the number one thing? | ||
| I don't think so personally, but it's one of those things you don't know where your path would have went to. | ||
| So if I didn't do the show, would I just be that headliner who makes nothing just with a couple specials? | ||
| And it's kind of different than doing stand-up, isn't it? | ||
| Because you're doing stand-up in these little short bursts for an audience and you're trying to get them to vote for you. | ||
| Did you find yourself altering your material or... | ||
| Well, because I'm long, not long-winded, but my jokes are long. | ||
| So I'll stick with the same subject and have jokes every couple seconds. | ||
| So to do a four and a half, five minute set is really hard for me. | ||
| And I did, on my season, I did 12 five minute TV sets, not repeating stuff. | ||
| So my brain doesn't click together small sets like that. | ||
| So that was, you know, that was the difficult part. | ||
| That must have been a big challenge. | ||
| 12... | ||
| I did twelve. | ||
| Five minute sets. | ||
| And other seasons. | ||
| So a whole hour of completely different material. | ||
| I got challenged almost every episode. | ||
| So you perform, then the next show. | ||
| And for people that don't understand why that would be a big deal. | ||
| Here's why it would be a big deal for a guy like John or a guy like me. | ||
| We have similar writing styles. | ||
| We go into a bit and that bit will squeeze every thought out of that bit and use it to transition to another bit. | ||
| And those segues are kind of difficult to do, but it's very important to make sure that the material flows seamlessly together. | ||
| If there's a hiccup in the subjects, then the audience can pick up on it and it doesn't click with their brain as much. | ||
| So it's really hard to do these little five minute sets and break them up because oftentimes one bit will lead into another bit and one bit by itself may only be like two minutes but it causes a ten minute bit because it's the catalyst for all this other stuff that comes after it which you really just can't get away with in a five minute set like that. | ||
| And then if you're used to, not memorizing, but telling stories that way, to go, so what's with McDonald's? | ||
| I was in a car recently. | ||
| I hate flying. | ||
| And do that, your brain doesn't usually... | ||
| It's harder for me to, let's say, know or remember perfectly a four and a half minute set than it would be for an hour and a half. | ||
| Because it's so disjointed for me. | ||
| Do you think that it must have helped you too as a comic, just the challenge of doing that? | ||
| Yeah, so it was all those sets and then literally the next day when I was performing in a bunch of theaters, I felt the need to write a new hour as fast as possible because people wouldn't want to hear what they just heard for nine weeks of network television. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| So, but, so out of the 15 years leading up to last comic, I wrote what I think was a funnier hour, and I've gotten more out of that hour as far as development deals and pitching stuff to networks, in probably two or three months, just out of sheer fear of, I need to come up with new material to survive, or this is gonna stop. | ||
| Louis C.K. just had a video that I found on the internet. | ||
| Somebody posted on the message board where he's talking about George Carlin and how George Carlin inspired him. | ||
| After 15 years, he was doing the same act, literally for 15 years. | ||
| Then he was listening to Carlin talk about how he does comedy, how he does it. | ||
| He throws the whole hour away every year and starts with a new one. | ||
| And Louis thought it was so crazy. | ||
| He was crying in the car while he was listening to this. | ||
| He was like, I fucking hate what I'm doing. | ||
| I hate my stand-up. | ||
| But because of that challenge, look how good he is now. | ||
| And it's funny. | ||
| I think habits are definitely contagious. | ||
| You hang out with certain people that do certain things. | ||
| You'll do that. | ||
| I just saw Louis in San Francisco. | ||
| I had a show. | ||
| And then I went to his midnight show and watched him. | ||
| And I left in the week after. | ||
| I just saw this a couple weeks ago. | ||
| On stage, I think I did 15 minutes of new stuff just because the ceiling was raised. | ||
| You go, I do really well. | ||
| I crush it. | ||
| And then you see somebody who is working on a new hour. | ||
| And I heard from the club. | ||
| He went there Wednesday, figured out some stuff. | ||
| And by Sunday, they go, in those four days, his stuff became so tight. | ||
| Because he'd go home and he'd write. | ||
| So it inspired me to go, I'm going to do the same thing. | ||
| And so I'm restructuring everything for that reason, where you just get bored on stage. | ||
| Yeah, getting inspired by other comics is the greatest fucking thing ever. | ||
| It's a humbling thing, you know? | ||
| You see someone who's really killing it. | ||
| And it's just how a regular person watches stand-up and they can't really quite believe that someone can do that. | ||
| There's a lot of people that watch stand-up and they can't imagine themselves doing it. | ||
| Well, that same feeling, you kind of get that same feeling when you watch someone who's really great at it. | ||
| When you watch someone who's really great at it, you're like... | ||
| Whoa, this motherfucker's just hitting heights. | ||
| You don't even want to know if you can do that. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You don't even want to think about it. | ||
| All you want to do is just get to work. | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of like when that guy ran the first four-minute mile. | ||
| And then everybody else started falling in. | ||
| They're like, oh, there's a whole other... | ||
| Yeah, except you can think about running fast. | ||
| You can't think about getting funnier. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You just have to work. | ||
| You just have to work at it. | ||
| But when I say you can't think about getting funnier, you can. | ||
| That's wrong. | ||
| I mean, you can be unhappy and decide to improve. | ||
| But you can't be thinking about it while you're up there. | ||
| I have to be funnier. | ||
| I have to be funnier. | ||
| You just have to be in that fucking groove. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You can't be thinking... | ||
| That's a thing that people don't understand. | ||
| You can't think I'm going to try to be funny. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Yeah, no, you're right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And I always tell younger comics, the guys who hang out with open micers, with notebooks, at coffee houses, they kind of learn to write that way and they kind of stay at that. | ||
| I tell young guys, got any advice? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every Friday night, come here and watch somebody who's been doing it for 20 years and see what you don't like, see what you do like, and start figuring it out that way. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, it's a fucking tricky game, this stand-up comedy. | ||
| But for me, this last week, this happened. | ||
| After 23 years and how I write, I saw Louie. | ||
| Got motivated in a sense of, okay, I'm going to start challenging myself there. | ||
| And then I decided to rework my entire act, like in this crazy, no one will know the system that I have. | ||
| But yet, it got me really, really excited to do stand-up. | ||
| So this whole week when I was in Tampa... | ||
| No one will know the system that you have, What do you mean? | ||
| If you were watching, you would never know that this went down, but I want to construct my whole act as the hero's journey. | ||
| Like in every movie you see, about 10 minutes into the movie, something crazy happens to the character that spins him off in the movie. | ||
| Well, I'm trying to put my whole act together where at 10 minutes in, I tell you, I gotta make a decision. | ||
| I might want to get divorced. | ||
| And then suddenly the crowd's like, what? | ||
| And then it's my journey, and then the thing. | ||
| I got this huge master plan. | ||
| It's how I've always done my act, but I'm really going to try to hit beats, where suddenly... | ||
| So that means you're going to have a romantic part in the middle of it, too. | ||
| It's going to be romantic, and then there's going to be a switch, but you would never know. | ||
| But listening, you're just going to laugh. | ||
| Speaking of romantic, what is this Jim Carrey gay movie you were telling about? | ||
| It's something called, like, Philip Morris. | ||
| I love Philip Morris. | ||
| And it was a Netflix film. | ||
| I was like, wow, I like Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor. | ||
| And then I'm, like, laying in bed last night after watching Red State, and I watched it, and I was, like, disgusted. | ||
| There was parts where Jim Carrey was fucking guys from behind very violently, and he has, like, a shirt off, and he's like... | ||
| And the guy's like, come in me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come in me! | |
| What? | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| That's too far. | ||
| They crossed the line. | ||
| Ace Ventura is now a fucking... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| And so then there's a part where Ian McGregor, and he's got this horrible bleach hair, and half of it's spent in jail, where there's just a bunch of gay sex going on in jail. | ||
| And they make it... | ||
| At the beginning of the movie, they say, this all happened. | ||
| This is a real story, or something like that. | ||
| And it is the most... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Craziness... | |
| The most craziness movie? | ||
| I'm trying to censor myself. | ||
| It's the gayest movie I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Why can't you say gayest? | ||
| Because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. | ||
| I don't want to hurt retards' feelings. | ||
| Well, you're not... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Two guys having sex with each other is pretty gay. | ||
| Brian. | ||
| That was a joke. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| That needs to be on a shirt. | ||
| It was the weirdest thing seeing two guys just making out that you're... | ||
| It was like Brokeback Mountain for Comedy. | ||
| On mouth to mouth like that. | ||
| Like you're making out with a Jedi. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Ewan McGregor was just making out with dudes? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Tongue, the whole thing? | ||
| Jim Carrey was just fucking super gay. | ||
| Yeah, I don't need to see that. | ||
| It's awful, dude. | ||
| You know how when most rated R movies, you never see a girl's pussy? | ||
| Yeah, they never show that. | ||
| They never bend over and show you their pussy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But yeah, you'll see them naked. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I understand that this is going on. | ||
| If there's a guy kissing another guy, I feel like you don't have to show me their tongue touching. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's when you reach, you're going to the refrigerator, get some bagel bites, start microwaving those, look down for, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you want to freak me out? | ||
| Get dudes touching tongues that I know are straight. | ||
| That's why it's so hard. | ||
| When you've got a straight actor and another straight actor and you're making them make out, what kind of... | ||
| Crazy gay fantasy is this? | ||
| The whole movie is based on dirty, raunchy, gay sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| How many times has this happened? | ||
| It's like they took Brokeback Mountain. | ||
| They were like, dude, we're going to go times two. | ||
| We're just going to have Jim Carrey and a fucking Jedi just fucking everywhere and butt sex and sex. | ||
| Was it a comedy or was it like a... | ||
| Absolutely not funny. | ||
| The whole time I was sitting there acting like I'm asleep so my girlfriend wouldn't think I was gay watching this movie. | ||
| But is it supposed to be a funny movie? | ||
| Is it supposed to be a comedy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think so. | |
| Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 71%. | ||
| That's pretty goddamn strong. | ||
| They're all cocksuckers at Rotten Tomatoes. | ||
| Damn, we need to see this. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| We don't know everybody here. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| We know. | ||
| Roger Ebert loves man to woman sex. | ||
| I need to see this. | ||
| Officer turned con man who makes the leap to white collar criminal after being sent to prison. | ||
| Don't need to see it, man. | ||
| Also, the whole movie Jim Carrey... | ||
| Doesn't say anything about crazy butt sex in here. | ||
| The whole movie Jim Carrey's looked so weird. | ||
| I couldn't tell if he was wearing a wig or if he just had the creepiest hair ever. | ||
| Like, if he was in character. | ||
| Because it was kind of like Forrest Gump for gay people. | ||
| Or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, I then went to prison and decided to suck that guy's dick. | |
| It was from Texas. | ||
| It took place in Texas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it was like they all had that little twine like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like bubble shrimp. | ||
| But it... | ||
| I don't remember what I was talking about. | ||
| Butt sick. | ||
| You were talking about butt sex and Jim Carrey. | ||
| Oh, but Jim Carrey looked really creepy. | ||
| He had this weird headline. | ||
| I can't tell if it's really his hair receding. | ||
| Or he had a weird dumb and dumber haircut. | ||
| It was creepy on top of already a creepy movie. | ||
| Jim Carrey's a good actor, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people that don't give that guy credit. | ||
| He can fucking freak you out. | ||
| That cable guy thing, remember when he played that cable guy? | ||
| That was a weird role, man. | ||
| He played that good. | ||
| He can do some shit, man. | ||
| I'm a big Jim Carrey fan. | ||
| I know a lot of people. | ||
| There's something that people think about him being real big and silly, like Ace Ventura, that somehow or another there's something wrong with that. | ||
| Like it's pandering or it's lowbrow or whatever. | ||
| I just think he's funny. | ||
| I don't need to be intellectualized with my funniness. | ||
| Now imagine him sucking a dick. | ||
| Watch this movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't. | |
| He even has that hair, too, where it goes down, kind of like River Phoenix. | ||
| Dude, he was sucking dick, fucking guys in asses. | ||
| He was, like, not showing it, obviously, but... | ||
| It was very gross. | ||
| But they did show him kissing. | ||
| Oh, they showed him making out with tongues. | ||
| There was spit-sling between the guy's lips. | ||
| I'd almost rather see a dude fucking a guy in the ass than kissing him. | ||
| Yeah, with the spit-sling, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because kissing is disgusting regardless. | |
| Well, I know a dude with a heart on is very confused as it is. | ||
| You know, a dude with a heart on is basically just a sperm machine. | ||
| You're just managing this fucking unstoppable... | ||
| Sperm machine that's on autopilot. | ||
| That's what a dude with a hard-on is. | ||
| So if you just woke up and you found your dick in a guy's ass, like, goddammit, now what to do? | ||
| There's a big difference between... | ||
| Like kissing, that's like a thing. | ||
| Do I go in first? | ||
| Do I tilt my head? | ||
| You're really thinking about... | ||
| Yeah, guys fuck guys in prison, but I bet they don't kiss too much. | ||
| Probably don't kiss dudes in prison. | ||
| They made it sound like the whole thing where the prison system was like you could either get soap or you can get sand to clean yourself in the shower. | ||
| You get soap if you suck my dick. | ||
| Things like that. | ||
| They made it seem like the prison system was all completely about sucking dick. | ||
| Like if you want your mail, you have to suck my dick. | ||
| It might be. | ||
| It might be, man. | ||
| I want to know if this is, one, a true story. | ||
| I don't think it is or not. | ||
| But two, if the guy... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to know if it's a true story. | |
| I was too tired because it was like 6am. | ||
| I was too tired to Google the guy's real name to see if it was a real story or not. | ||
| I bet it is. | ||
| Oh, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I bet it happened at the Abbey. | ||
| Didn't I just look it up? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Didn't I just look it up? | ||
| See if it's a real story. | ||
| That's all I want to know. | ||
| What, a real story of just a guy hooking up with another guy? | ||
| Like a real guy about scam artists that just love to suck dick. | ||
| Bad Santa co-screenwriters Glenn Ficarra and John Requia. | ||
| Sorry guys if I said your name wrong. | ||
| Bad Santa. | ||
| Totally Bad Santa. | ||
| Yeah, well these guys are psychos. | ||
| Those Bad Santa guys are psychos. | ||
| Oh, I need to see this, man. | ||
| They're probably just sitting around like, let's see Jim Carrey suck some dick. | ||
| Dude, I need to see this. | ||
| I did not know that this was such a fabulous movie. | ||
| I never yet. | ||
| Would you imagine just sitting going, I'm going to write a script. | ||
| You sit down and your first thought is, guys sucking dick. | ||
| That's not like that. | ||
| How can I do an action movie with guys? | ||
| Why not, dude? | ||
| Listen, if you can make a really good movie about guys sucking dick, good for you, man. | ||
| Maybe this movie... | ||
| Brian disagrees on a lot of movies. | ||
| Maybe this is an amazing movie. | ||
| Because look, it has 71% on Rotten Tomatoes. | ||
| Rotten Tomatoes, 71% is strong. | ||
| I'm just a Jim Carrey fan. | ||
| I think the biggest thing was seeing Jim Carrey do it. | ||
| You have to watch Ian McGregor, two people I love. | ||
| Here's the big test. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Here's the big test. | ||
| Okay, I say I trust Rotten Tomatoes. | ||
| I say Rotten Tomatoes generally represents how I feel about movies. | ||
| It's pretty accurate. | ||
| So let's type in... | ||
| Boondock Saints. | ||
| And this will be it for me. | ||
| Type in Red State. | ||
| Oh, I wrote Boondock Saints. | ||
| John, have you seen this Jim Carrey movie? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| Will you watch it? | ||
| Not after that ring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| 17%. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, look. | ||
| Rotten Tomatoes is on point. | ||
| Rotten Tomatoes is on point. | ||
| Alright, type in Red State. | ||
| If it says 71, then that movie is good. | ||
| Type in Red State. | ||
| Don't be a douche. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't be a douche. | |
| Yeah, but you loved Red State. | ||
| That was like the best movie ever, right? | ||
| Think about what you're doing. | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| 40%. | ||
| That's... | ||
| I really liked that movie. | ||
| I thought it was way better than that. | ||
| But I've talked to people online who didn't like it, man. | ||
| Rotten Tomatoes is not accurate 100%. | ||
| I think it is, and I think Philip Morris might be the best butt-fucking movie in the history of the movies. | ||
| I think I gotta go with that. | ||
| I wish Rotten Tomatoes was just tuned in to what you like. | ||
| You could say, give me your favorite movies. | ||
| Maybe there's a program like that. | ||
| You could say, give me your favorite movies. | ||
| What music do you listen to? | ||
| You married, single, divorced. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| Are you healthy? | ||
| Do you exercise? | ||
| Throw that shit into a computer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you stoned? | |
| Are you drunk? | ||
| Are you sleepy every time you want to watch a movie? | ||
| Just tell me what's good out there, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you eat? | |
| Do you go to Cheesecake before the movie and get full? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| That problem is that you'll never expand. | ||
| You'll never become someone other than who you are. | ||
| They'll just keep giving you the same influences. | ||
| I know. | ||
| iTunes, with their genius, they kind of do that with music. | ||
| They do. | ||
| It's pretty dope. | ||
| And a lot of times, you go, yeah, I would have put together this playlist. | ||
| I just got Apple TV. Dude, it's fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Awesome. | |
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Have you done the thing where you film video with your phone and then you just push a button and it plays it on your phone? | ||
| Oh, you flick it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| The ability to play songs from your phone. | ||
| I was listening to one of you guys' podcasts because there's a podcast thing and it popped up and just hit play. | ||
| The most amazing thing is I went to documentaries. | ||
| I'm thinking, what do they got? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got fucking page after page after page of all the best documentaries. | |
| I got Red State. | ||
| I rendered Red State. | ||
| Dude, they have everything. | ||
| The corporation. | ||
| They have pretty much every documentary, mainstream documentary I've ever seen is on this Apple thing. | ||
| I watched the Man on the Wire one that night in Dungeons and Dragons. | ||
| There's a lot of obscure documentaries that don't make it to there, I'm sure. | ||
| But they had driven the Jens Pulver documentary, which is pretty obscure. | ||
| Even in the world of mixed martial arts, I don't know a lot of people who know about it. | ||
| It's got Vimeo. | ||
| You have your Vimeo channel on there now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I just sit there and watch all the fucking podcasts that we do at Death Squad from my Apple TV. That's incredible. | ||
| We have the whole thing on there. | ||
| And the only thing I liked about Roku that was better, which is the exact same thing pretty much. | ||
| One's Apple, but one's... | ||
| Did you say you have your Death Squad podcast on Vimeo? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you have them on Vimeo? | ||
| Just upload them onto Vimeo every time we do one. | ||
| We should do that with this, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why don't we do that with this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Okay, let's do that with this. | ||
| Make a list, right? | ||
| This motherfucker. | ||
| That's more of a statement than a, hey, do you think we should? | ||
| Yeah, why wouldn't you do that with this side? | ||
| Business stuff, I'll tell you later. | ||
| Oh, business stuff. | ||
| Well, okay, if you want to talk about it on air, we can. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Okay, it might be tricky. | ||
| So you can watch the Death Squad and listen to it or just watch it? | ||
| On the Vimeo channel, you watch it and listen to it. | ||
| Just lay in bed and watch it. | ||
| So you're filming your stuff on Vimeo as well as putting it on Ustream? | ||
| No, I'm just taking my... | ||
| See, what happens is Ustream for me crashes all the time. | ||
| Because I have ads and commercials where you got privileged to get all that taken away. | ||
| For my watchers, they hate using the service, which is understandable, some of the stuff. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people complain about those ads. | ||
| They stop the whole screen and you miss a chunk of the podcast. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I took all my stuff after it's broadcast live. | ||
| I take it off Ustream and put it on Vimeo just because I have a pro account. | ||
| I never used Vimeo. | ||
| And now that Apple TV started Vimeo on the Apple TV, I was like, you know what? | ||
| I'm moving everything to Vimeo now. | ||
| Because Vimeo, my YouTube accounts always get canceled. | ||
| They always get busted. | ||
| Like I had a director account, which I don't know. | ||
| When you first signed up for YouTube back in the day... | ||
| If you made longer videos that were like over 10 minutes, which is what the limit was at that time, you could apply for a thing called a director account, which gave you access to put movies on there. | ||
| Like YouTube was trying to reach out to like small independent directors. | ||
| I got that account. | ||
| They stopped that a year later. | ||
| And now you have like 15 minute limits on YouTube. | ||
| Nobody has any longer unless you're a company. | ||
| How come I see that though sometimes? | ||
| Because all the director accounts got grandfathered. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So YouTube recently took my director account away, so I can't do that on YouTube anymore. | ||
| Yeah, we used to be able to upload longer shit. | ||
| And I remember I tried to upload one of the podcast video blogs that we do on Vimeo. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| We have 10 of them up there. | ||
| And what we do is, after we have an interview, we sit down, we videotape, like, oh, that was fun. | ||
| We shoot the shit for a little bit and get to just whatever. | ||
| It's just something else to do. | ||
| It's just fun. | ||
| So we started putting those up on Vimeo. | ||
| But they're, like, way better quality than YouTube. | ||
| And they let you put, like, 15, 20 minutes. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| Do as long as you want. | ||
| YouTube is, like, smaller and shittier quality. | ||
| I guess some of the YouTubes are nice HD now too, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| Yeah, but that's why I use Vimeo. | ||
| Usually Vimeo just looks better, doesn't it? | ||
| Well, Vimeo actually from testing used to be, I mean, YouTube does a great job with their HD stuff. | ||
| If you do it right, you follow the right codecs, they're perfect and they're in more devices, they're in more phones. | ||
| They actually have it down pat. | ||
| Vimeo is kind of cool. | ||
| It's a smaller company. | ||
| I wouldn't say, I think they're up to par now, but for a while I thought YouTube HD was actually a lot better. | ||
| But our shit looks better on Vimeo than it looks on YouTube. | ||
| How come? | ||
| Well, you might see one of the things that YouTube is when you're watching a video on YouTube, it always defaults to, like a lot of times it defaults to the lowest resolution. | ||
| And so you have to reset it. | ||
| Like Vimeo always puts you in HD when you're on their page. | ||
| So a lot of times that's what it, it's just a simple thing like that. | ||
| Oh, fuck you, YouTube. | ||
| Well, YouTube has a lot more users. | ||
| They're definitely trying to save bandwidth. | ||
| There is settings in your YouTube account that makes it so it's always playing HD and always the best, but it's not defaulted to that. | ||
| Speaking of YouTube, did you see that video that they just put out of the chimps that were locked up and they never saw sunlight for 30 years? | ||
| No. | ||
| I believe they were stolen from their mothers at birth and taken to Austria, and they were used in labs where they were shot up with hepatitis and HIV. And then they released them from this and then they let these chimps outside for like the first time ever. | ||
| It was crazy to see. | ||
| And if you see that and you still think people should be experimenting on chimps, you're a sick fuck. | ||
| Those fucking things can think, man. | ||
| Those things can think and they feel and they have emotions. | ||
| They're smart. | ||
| And when they got outside and they started seeing the sun, they started jumping up and hugging each other. | ||
| Hugging each other and looking out and trying to figure out how to walk on the grass and touching things and hugging each other and laughing. | ||
| Dude, that is the craziest thing that we justify is taking intelligent animals and holding them captive. | ||
| Whether it's dolphins or chimps. | ||
| That is a fucking weird thing, man. | ||
| I mean, that is like slavery. | ||
| It might as well be slavery. | ||
| If you know how smart a chimp is, locking them up like that, it might as well be slavery. | ||
| Imprisoning them, stealing them from their mothers. | ||
| Like, whoa, man. | ||
| That's pretty fucking rough. | ||
| You're causing some serious pain. | ||
| Some real emotional pain in these poor animals. | ||
| Smart fucking animals, too. | ||
| It's a weird video, man. | ||
| It's really creepy. | ||
| It makes you feel bad to be a person. | ||
| It makes you feel bad that someone's doing stuff like that. | ||
| You know, I know there's a lot of people out there that go, fuck you, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If it wasn't for those things, we would be dead and this and that. | |
| Really? | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Vaccines are awesome. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| It is awesome that they figured out a way to cure a lot of diseases. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| But at what cost? | ||
| That cost? | ||
| Is that the only way to do it? | ||
| I'm down with you doing shit to a rabbit. | ||
| You want to fuck with a rabbit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It doesn't really bother me. | ||
| But when they can think, when they're smart, I know rabbits get scared and it sucks to be them, but they're fucking rabbits, man. | ||
| People don't want to hierarch animals, but there's a reason why some animals just sit around and eat and shit and that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then there's other ones that are way stronger that eat those motherfuckers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's why those motherfuckers are there. | ||
| They're food. | ||
| They might not know it. | ||
| They think they're just grass eaters. | ||
| They all serve a little piece. | ||
| A little piece in the pie. | ||
| But chimps, chimps are so close to us to lock them up like that and see them come out of this thing. | ||
| It was really heartbreaking. | ||
| It was really confusing. | ||
| You know, it's like, wow, this doesn't seem to be something that we should be doing in 2011. It doesn't seem like we should be doing any studies on chimps at this stage. | ||
| We know enough about human beings. | ||
| We know enough about feelings and emotions. | ||
| We know enough about how close they are to us. | ||
| And yet we're still willing to do this? | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| I'd be happier if they were doing it to murderers. | ||
| Happier if they were doing it to shitheads and rapists. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| There's a lot of confirmed cunts out there. | ||
| Some confirmed, jailed-up cunts. | ||
| If we want to do experiments, for real, why don't we do it on them? | ||
| I mean, people go, you can't do that, it's involuntary. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| So is rape and murder. | ||
| If someone is guilty of rape and murder, then the question is, how do you know for sure that they're guilty? | ||
| They didn't just get fucked by the system because they have no money and they couldn't afford a good lawyer. | ||
| How about the ones that go, no, I killed all 12 of them. | ||
| They were sleeping in their beds. | ||
| I came through the window and I killed them all. | ||
| The Ted Buddies of the world. | ||
| Fucking experiment on them. | ||
| Leave those chimps alone, man. | ||
| Chimps never did shit to nobody. | ||
| You don't have to steal them from their mothers. | ||
| Little baby chimps and put mascara on them and shit. | ||
| But why can't we kill them? | ||
| Because people are pussies. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| If we're going to kill them, the week ahead of time should be all experience. | ||
| Did it on Jason Bourne and look how that worked out. | ||
| If I was a member of the Ted Nugent message board, I'd probably tell you that what the fuck the problem is is the goddamn liberals. | ||
| But they're right. | ||
| It is the liberals. | ||
| It's the idea of constant compassion and the need to treat all human beings as absolutely equal despite their past and what they've done. | ||
| Listen, man, if you're some fucking religious person who's completely recanted from your horrible life and it seems that you've done as much as possible to make up for your shitty... | ||
| Actions in the past. | ||
| There's people that have made mistakes and have turned their life around. | ||
| I completely, totally believe that. | ||
| But then there's also cunts. | ||
| It's up to us to figure out who the cunts are and just experiment on them, man. | ||
| You're on your fourth trip to Aruba coming back by yourself, even though you and your girlfriend went, yeah, you should get hooked up to your gnats. | ||
| Why does it always happen in Aruba? | ||
| I know. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Is it people saying no? | ||
| Is it girls turning guys down and the guys being mad? | ||
| Is it someone getting jealous? | ||
| Is it just psychopaths? | ||
| The last one was a guy who met a girl online, flew her to there on vacation. | ||
| His girlfriend is the most recent missing woman. | ||
| I think he might have said that she's probably dead now. | ||
| He said she's dead? | ||
| Yeah, I think. | ||
| But any girl listening, if anyone says we should go on our senior trip or maybe go to Aruba... | ||
| There's other areas you could go. | ||
| It's so weird, man, but that is something that girls have to really worry about. | ||
| They have to worry about being killed by a guy. | ||
| Like, that's a possibility. | ||
| It's a rare possibility, but out of the 300 million people in this country, that's a big number. | ||
| Every now and then one or two is going to pop up and god damn is it heartbreaking. | ||
| Some fucking person who's attracted to the opposite sex but doesn't get what he wants so often and is so psychopathic that he becomes angry at women and wants to kill them. | ||
| And they're out there. | ||
| They're out there. | ||
| And you see it, any city you go to, like Vegas or even wherever in Tampa, girls let their guard down. | ||
| Well, I'll see. | ||
| Maybe because I'm older now and just about all of them could maybe be a dog. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| But you look and you see them. | ||
| They're drunk and they think that bitchy voice that they have is going to be their protection. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Just that kind of, I'm a drunk chick kind of noise. | ||
| You see them and they're lost. | ||
| I don't know where you are! | ||
| And they're like in an alley in the middle of Tampa. | ||
| You're like, what are you doing? | ||
| Yeah, some of them are like little children, too. | ||
| It's like, you know, you see some girls that are drunk in Vegas that are like 20 years old and hammered, and you're like, wow, that's like a little child. | ||
| She's just out there catching dick. | ||
| I know, I was in... | ||
| You don't think of them as little children when you're 20. You know, when you're 20, they're just chicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| Now you see them. | ||
| Yeah, but when you're 40 and you look at 20-year-olds, you go, wow, that's like... | ||
| They're childlike. | ||
| Some of those poor girls, man. | ||
| That shit's going to program their life. | ||
| Bad experiences when you're hammered at 20 around animals. | ||
| That shit could program your life. | ||
| It could change the way you behave forever. | ||
| Just a few shitty decisions around the wrong people and the wrong crowd and it just changes your opinion. | ||
| I saw, wherever I was performing two weeks ago, the Bonser guys driving back to the hotel. | ||
| There's a big, huge dude with some really drunk, Like, woman, I bet she was 55, but kind of still scooched out. | ||
| And she was with another woman, and the woman looked at the big guy and says, I don't know her. | ||
| I have her cell phone. | ||
| I'm going to call her first thing in the morning to this big, huge guy. | ||
| And the guy didn't look at this other woman and goes, come on, I'm not going to rape or whatever. | ||
| He just looked at her and went, whatever. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| And then this drunk chick got into the car, and then they drove off, and then that woman got into the car. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You're like, what do you do? | ||
| I mean, I think it was a guy picking up a drunk girl, but it was kind of one of those. | ||
| I had a moment where I could have stolen somebody's girlfriend recently, if I was that type of guy. | ||
| Stole her? | ||
| Well, it would have been a cool movie thing. | ||
| There's this girl at the gas station, and she's got a tub of aloe about this big. | ||
| Aloe vera? | ||
| Yeah, and a big thing of ice. | ||
| And she's icing. | ||
| The guy has one of those crotch rocket motorcycles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was about 110 outside. | ||
| And she obviously burnt her leg on the exhaust. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So now they're sitting by the gas pump. | ||
| The guy's putting all this stuff on, all this aloe. | ||
| He's got his leather jacket and motorcycle. | ||
| She looks so pissed. | ||
| We've all seen pissed off girls before, but the look of just... | ||
| And he even came out with one of those roses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she got it and just set it down. | ||
| Like if I was like one of those douchebaggy guys, all I would have had done is just stick out my hand like every movie and go, take my hand. | ||
| And put her in my jeep and drove away. | ||
| That guy would have been left right there. | ||
| That's ridiculous that you would think that that would work. | ||
| Yeah, what do you think you are? | ||
| How overconfident are you? | ||
| You know, you're like one of those guys like, watch, she's going to turn around and look at me. | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| The deal is, I had a car, though. | ||
| She didn't have to get back onto a motorcycle. | ||
| Do you think that's all you have to do is have a car? | ||
| So what? | ||
| She was probably pregnant. | ||
| When the girl was putting aloe and ice on the inside of her leg, yes, that's what I mean. | ||
| You're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| I could have sold her right then because of this situation. | ||
| You are so delusional. | ||
| I could have taken my hand. | ||
| That could have been a very good relationship and a guy just got a motorcycle loose. | ||
| New on motorcycles. | ||
| They had a great time riding together. | ||
| And unfortunately, she burnt her leg. | ||
| But she loves him. | ||
| And she loves being with him. | ||
| Not the look on her face. | ||
| And you just come along and like... | ||
| Take my hand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would have said it just like that, too. | ||
| You need way better words, too. | ||
| Take my hand is not enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you trust me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you trust me? | |
| Yeah, I could have said that. | ||
| Do you trust me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Take my hand if you want to live. | ||
| I could have said... | ||
| No, you need something better than that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that would have been the time. | ||
| No. | ||
| I have four wheels. | ||
| No, because look, he just made a mistake and the guy came back and he was being nice. | ||
| He brought a rose. | ||
| It's a nice gesture. | ||
| He's obviously a nice person. | ||
| He feels bad about it. | ||
| He's never going to relive that mistake. | ||
| And you come along and just try to steal her? | ||
| You're ridiculous. | ||
| He's never going to relive that mistake. | ||
| You know, you might be hating. | ||
| You have a bag of cocaine and a hundred dollars. | ||
| That would have worked more than that shit. | ||
| That doesn't work to a girl that just got off a motorcycle and has a burnt leg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you crazy? | |
| Cocaine and $100. | ||
| She's like, I have a burn on my leg. | ||
| I don't want any cocaine. | ||
| She wants air conditioning and pants. | ||
| And not have to ride outside. | ||
| Hey, I got a great cartoon to start watching. | ||
| If you want to show your little kids a cartoon that they can fall in love with, but it will be awesome for you on top of it while being stoned, it's the best for that. | ||
| It's a double level cartoon. | ||
| It's called Adventure Time. | ||
| Adventure Time? | ||
| Yeah, it is the most ridiculous cartoon Fucking cartoon I've ever seen in my life and I'm so addicted to it and it's great for kids. | ||
| Kids will just fucking sit there and love it to death because it's all about princesses and princes and adventures with dragons and horses but it is trippy as fuck. | ||
| And what is it on? | ||
| It's on Cartoon Network. | ||
| It's on all the time. | ||
| I just DVR'd it, scheduled it, and I think I got seven yesterday. | ||
| Oh, dope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| I'll check that out. | ||
| Is it an animation one? | ||
| Oh yeah, it's animation. | ||
| It's kind of put to the same animation style as a game called Katamari, but it's very simple, but very trippy. | ||
| Like a lot of dragons and swords. | ||
| When you say that it works on both levels, is it like Pee Wee's Playhouse? | ||
| Kind of, but not the new Pee-wee's Playhouse. | ||
| There's a new Pee-wee's Playhouse? | ||
| There's a new one? | ||
| Yeah, they have it on Showtime, and what he did is he did a live thing throughout Los Angeles for a while, and then he took it on the road. | ||
| I think he went to New York, and he had a live show of the Playhouse, and they filmed it for, I think, Showtime or HBO. But I tried watching it, and it's completely weird now. | ||
| Is it weird because you know he was beaten off in a movie theater watching... | ||
| No, it's weird because it's like he still looks pretty good. | ||
| He still looks pretty much like Pee Wee, but it's just off a teeny bit where you're like, wait, he has a double chin now. | ||
| That's so odd. | ||
| Oh, he's getting fat. | ||
| He's getting kind of older. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| He's got this little puffiness to him. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's kind of weird. | ||
| People still go see Kiss, though, and it's kind of the same. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I would like to see the video of Pee Wee Herman getting busted, beating off, though. | ||
| Do you know how awesome that would be? | ||
| To have the video of him with his tongue out. | ||
| Yeah, it was in slow motion. | ||
| Come over and tell him to put his fucking dick away and get up. | ||
| And nowadays, he would have been even bigger than he was. | ||
| That would have propelled him. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| Well, that's the funny thing about that. | ||
| A lot of times when things like that happen, there's a backlash. | ||
| But it was sort of like an anti-backlash with Pee Wee Herman. | ||
| They liked him more. | ||
| Yeah, now he would have made more money if you go the Kardashian route. | ||
| You know why they liked him more? | ||
| Because he's gay. | ||
| He's a gay guy that got caught jerking off in public. | ||
| This is my theory. | ||
| If he was a straight guy that got caught jerking off in public, it might be a little more creepy. | ||
| But he's a gay guy, you're like, poor little fella, he's got nowhere to beat off. | ||
| He can't be open about it, he's gotta go watch straight people fucking concentrate on their dicks. | ||
| You know, can't even go to a gay place because he's famous. | ||
| But when that happened, though, didn't he lose his show and actually it knocked him, you know, he was really popular, that happened, and then people took him off the show. | ||
| So he kind of lost some leverage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You might be right. | |
| I might not know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| I think that's what happened. | ||
| In the court of public opinion, maybe in his financial world, it devastated him. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| In the court of public opinion, I felt like he did better. | ||
| What other show? | ||
| Did he have a show still? | ||
| Because it was a long-ass time ago. | ||
| He had the two movies that came after Playhouse. | ||
| Oh, this was probably in the late 80s? | ||
| Where he got arrested? | ||
| No, but at its height of popularity in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it probably got arrested in the early 90s? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm guessing. | |
| I remember I went to see Pee Wee's Playhouse with my then-girlfriend at the time, who was also very silly. | ||
| She was a silly girl. | ||
| She was a good person to go see movies with. | ||
| And we were fucking crying laughing. | ||
| I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. | ||
| I was a huge Pee Wee Herman fan. | ||
| It was just so ridiculous. | ||
| Large Marge sent you. | ||
| Yeah, we would do that all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, here's somebody I know has a big butt. | |
| Yeah, you just have all these random, like... | ||
| Yeah, even the way he would, like, be in love with a girl and bring her flowers and stuff. | ||
| It was so bizarre. | ||
| It's like, God, what a fun movie. | ||
| It was like a fun, silly movie. | ||
| Do you know our friend Jeff Scott is, like, the number one Pee-wee... | ||
| Herman Impersonator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to remember watching PM Magazine, which was a show in, I think, the Midwest. | ||
| I don't even think it was... | ||
| No, PM Magazine. | ||
| I had it in Detroit. | ||
| Okay, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they interviewed him. | ||
| I remember watching that episode and then now just finding a couple years later. | ||
| That was back when there was a show called Kids Are People Too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's Incredible. | ||
| That's Incredible. | ||
| You remember that? | ||
| That's Incredible. | ||
| What was the other one that came on right before the... | ||
| I was always a... | ||
| No, Real People. | ||
| That was the original YouTube. | ||
| It was Real People. | ||
| That's Incredible was the original YouTube. | ||
| I love... | ||
| Remember the old Ed McMahon practical joke show that used to be really big? | ||
| Oh yeah, it was... | ||
| TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes. | ||
| And you had the cartoons from the game show with the Whammies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's that called? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No whammies, no whammies, stop, press your luck. | ||
| They used to have those whammies. | ||
| And for some reason, those whammies were so popular that when that game show was canceled, they were like, we're going to use the whammies on this show now. | ||
| And it was just like, wow, you're just using cartoons from a different game show. | ||
| It just continued the whammy tradition? | ||
| Yeah, it was... | ||
| I watched a Real People episode on YouTube recently and it was all just crazy. | ||
| And then we're going to go to Wisconsin where this guy can jump 5,000 feet into cheese. | ||
| It was all just random stuff. | ||
| And if you look at it, this person has every Coke can ever made. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| They all would have their own shows now. | ||
| If you look how crazy these people are, every one of them would have a show on Discovery or an A&E. There'd be a reality show about every story that the people... | ||
| Byron Allen was like... | ||
| What the fuck is with these pawn shop shows? | ||
| They're all fake, too. | ||
| I thought they had hit the bottom when they were following guys who were driving on slippery roads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ice road truckers. | ||
| The road is slippery. | ||
| He's in a truck. | ||
| Seven years, nobody's fallen in. | ||
| Yeah, it's the same fucking show every week. | ||
| The guy's on the icy road. | ||
| Oh, it's getting slippery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, I thought that was dumb until I watched one of these auction shows the other day. | ||
| No, a pawn shop show, rather. | ||
| Where the dude... | ||
| It wasn't even a pawn shop show. | ||
| It was like a bargain sort of a show. | ||
| He shows up, a guy's got a sign. | ||
| He goes, how much do you want for the sign? | ||
| I go, oh, I'm not looking to sell it. | ||
| What if I give you 500 bucks? | ||
| No, no, I don't think that'd be enough. | ||
| What if I gave you a thousand bucks? | ||
| Well, now you're making me think. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| This is a show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a show? | |
| Is it the one with the two brothers and one guy fixes everything and one guy buys everything? | ||
| I didn't get that far. | ||
| I didn't get that far. | ||
| They were just trying to buy a Coca-Cola sign from some dude and I wanted to punch the screen. | ||
| But it's a hundred times better than that show on True TV, the pawn shop show that's completely fake, but yet everyone on the show is stars. | ||
| But this was fake too, man. | ||
| This was fake too. | ||
| It's like, The only thing in it for the person watching was you wanted to find out how it ended. | ||
| Did it get resolved? | ||
| But it's like the lowest level entertainment ever. | ||
| It's a guy like, I'll give you $100. | ||
| Nope, that's not enough. | ||
| I'll give you $500. | ||
| Well, now you're making me think. | ||
| And then you're sitting there with your mouth open, waiting to see. | ||
| You think he's going to buy the sign? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Is he going to buy it? | ||
| It's pretty close. | ||
| Oh, he bought it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gazing. | |
| I miss the days when the pawn shop owners had a gimp, and that was all that went down. | ||
| They're all creeps, right? | ||
| And they all have an expert. | ||
| They're like, well, luckily I called the expert of 1822 bullets. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| Pawn guys don't have a team of experts. | ||
| Most pawn shop guys are kind of creepy, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What I've known about pawn shops is pool hall dudes who always would sell stolen shit to pawn shops. | ||
| Yeah, they don't have a guy going in there trying to sell pool cues to buy crack. | ||
| And I know a dude had a housekeeper, and they caught the housekeeper selling shit to pawn shops. | ||
| They found their shit. | ||
| They traced one of their things. | ||
| It turned out it was sold at a certain pawn shop. | ||
| Their fucking housekeeper was stealing their shit and bringing it to pawn shops. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Can you imagine having a pawn shop that was also a check cashing place? | ||
| How popular that would be? | ||
| You'd be robbed. | ||
| Well, they give you cash there, so it's technically... | ||
| Actually, it would be the wrong thing. | ||
| You wouldn't want a check crashing place there. | ||
| No, but it's like... | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| It's just an all-for-one for that kind of... | ||
| They don't have any money. | ||
| Don't start this business. | ||
| It's not going to work. | ||
| My dad does not go to cash checking places or pawn shops. | ||
| So it seems like the people, the clientele of those two places seem like they would enjoy a place that they can go to do both if they have to. | ||
| I guess that makes sense, but it doesn't make sense because it's two totally different things. | ||
| Like, you're totally broke, you have no money coming in, so you sell a stolen TV. Right. | ||
| You know, that's the difference between having a check to cash and a dispensary. | ||
| We'll give everything your dad won't do. | ||
| In a strip club, in a bar. | ||
| Didn't you say you got your dad high once? | ||
| Can you not talk about that? | ||
| No. | ||
| I didn't get them high. | ||
| It was when I had a thing of weed soda, and it tastes like cola. | ||
| And he was like, you got anything to drink? | ||
| I gave him some weed soda. | ||
| Well, what happened? | ||
| He was having a great time laughing and telling funny stories and giggling. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Did you tell him that you could have a day like this every day, Dan? | ||
| No, because we were drinking wine also, so I think he just probably thought, wow, that was some good wine. | ||
| Why don't you just tell him that you gave him some weed soda? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Why do you think that generation... | ||
| Hold on a second, though. | ||
| Why don't you tell him? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Why won't you tell him? | ||
| Dad, you had a great time because you were drinking weed soda. | ||
| Because he has a job, and if they knew about that... | ||
| Oh, they P-test you? | ||
| Everyone lives in California. | ||
| Well, dude, a lot of places don't P-test their employees. | ||
| I don't think it's like the majority of places P-test their employees. | ||
| I've had to fucking P-test to work at Gateway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to P-test to work at Starbucks. | ||
| Not any Starbucks people, they can't smoke weed because they get P-tested. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| What? | ||
| Stop it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You're talking about baristas? | ||
| Most major jobs you have to P-test. | ||
| Brian, I do not think you're right. | ||
| I do not think you have to P-test to work at Starbucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had to P-test twice. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| Did you just make that up? | ||
| Did you just make that up? | ||
| I had to P-test twice to work at Gateway. | ||
| Did you just make that up about Starbucks? | ||
| No, Google it. | ||
| We have Google right here. | ||
| Starbucks, employees. | ||
| That's incredible if it's true. | ||
| If it's true, I'm going to start going to Coffee Bean. | ||
| Any major company has to do it for insurance reasons, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like the rule for most big companies that their insurances are so high that they have to do shit like that. | ||
| At the Starbucks where I worked as a barista, there was no drug testing. | ||
| No drug testing was ever performed. | ||
| They certainly did not do random drug testing either. | ||
| As far as drug testing, if you get injured while working, I do not know what the policy is. | ||
| But Starbucks is not really a laid-back place to work. | ||
| Okay, well, Starbucks doesn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Bro, you can't just say they do. | ||
| A lot of places do, though. | ||
| Brian, but saying that Starbucks does to work as a fucking barista is a ridiculous thing. | ||
| Don't say stop, man. | ||
| I misspoke with Starbucks. | ||
| What I was talking about is most companies nowadays do require drug testings. | ||
| I don't think it's most companies. | ||
| I worked at a lot of places, Joe, not long ago. | ||
| Seven years ago, I was waiting tables. | ||
| I worked at a lot of companies that drug tested. | ||
| I had to do it all the time and buy fake urine. | ||
| Joe's got some terrible news for you today, by the way. | ||
| What percentage do you think? | ||
| What percentage of companies drug test their employees? | ||
| Out of the last five real jobs I had, I probably got drug tested at three of those five jobs. | ||
| I would divine the search by going, what, Fortune 500? | ||
| Because they would have the money to do it. | ||
| It's pretty normal for companies to drug test outside of California. | ||
| That's all I'm saying. | ||
| I wasn't saying Starbucks as like Starbucks. | ||
| I'm saying companies like Starbucks and things like that, major companies. | ||
| I was surprised at Starbucks. | ||
| Are you ready for reality? | ||
| Okay, here it is. | ||
| Major laboratory testing company offered the cheery news recently that the percentage of American workers who tested positive for illegal drugs last year was the lowest ever. | ||
| So people are testing... | ||
| The cheery news is that they used to be... | ||
| People are not doing drugs as much because they're buying shit at waterbed stores like myself called Waterbeds and Company, and it was a $20... | ||
| What's he talking about drugs? | ||
| $40 investment. | ||
| What? | ||
| Isn't it what that quote's saying is that he has good news that people aren't testing positive for drugs? | ||
| Yeah, what are you talking about waterbeds? | ||
| They sell at head shops in Ohio and in the Midwest. | ||
| They don't have head shops, like marijuana stores, so they have companies like waterbed stores that sell head stuff supplies in it. | ||
| There's a place called Waterbeds and Stuff in Ohio. | ||
| Okay, did you expect anyone else to know that? | ||
| Well, I was explaining it, then you stopped me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you weren't. | |
| Yes, I was. | ||
| I was just getting to this point. | ||
| Anyways, they sell for $40. | ||
| He's so feisty today. | ||
| What's What's going on with him? | ||
| It's your fucking sativa sticks I got. | ||
| No, you need to learn how to handle that shit, son. | ||
| But they sell this shit that you drink, that you drink right before you take a drug test, and so what you're pretty much doing is you're pissing out this shit that's kind of like water, I guess? | ||
| They just did a big thing in- How come I can't answer this question? | ||
| I'm answering this question, what percentage of companies drug test their employees? | ||
| I pumped this into Google. | ||
| Give me an answer. | ||
| Bitch. | ||
| It's funny how long Google questions how now when you first came out you pick up two words like drug testing. | ||
| Now you go screw it. | ||
| I'm just going to write an entire paragraph and see what happens. | ||
| But in Florida they tested everybody on welfare and that's a big thing is you have to get drug tested before you get the welfare check. | ||
| 98% passed. | ||
| Whoa, hold on a second. | ||
| Listen to this shit. | ||
| A 2006 survey by the Society for Human Resource Management found that 84% of employers required new hires to pass drug screenings. | ||
| 84%! | ||
| You've been in California too long, Joe. | ||
| And 39% randomly tested employees after they were hired. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| In addition, 73% tested workers when drug use was suspected. | ||
| And 58% required testing after accidents on the job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| That's a lot of new hires that you do. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| That is a horrible thing, man. | ||
| 84% of employers requiring people to take drug tests. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| That's so discriminatory. | ||
| You know, especially for things that stay in your system but aren't as damaging like weed, whereas cocaine is out of your system. | ||
| You take it on a Friday, you'll pass a drug test on a Monday. | ||
| It's a quick thing. | ||
| It gets out of your system quick. | ||
| Unless I think they test your hair. | ||
| I think if they test your hair, they can find it a little longer. | ||
| And at the waterbed store, they have a shampoo that you put on the hair if they do test your hair. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's crazy that this waterbed store in Columbus, Ohio is still in business selling one waterbed. | ||
| It should be called Stuff and Waterbeds, not Waterbed and Stuff. | ||
| I love that store. | ||
| I love Waterbeds and Stuff. | ||
| You've got to go do it next time you're in Ohio. | ||
| I don't think I do. | ||
| I think I'm going to pass on that stupid fucking storm. | ||
| They have shit for every drug test. | ||
| Your waterbed would actually smell like bong water and be kind of crappy to sleep on. | ||
| Did you ever have a waterbed, Joe? | ||
| Yeah, the worst thing ever is you have a waterbed and then the power goes out. | ||
| And then the waterbed's not hot anymore and it fucking pulls heat off your body. | ||
| You don't realize. | ||
| It's actually kind of dangerous, man. | ||
| Did you have a black and white furry bedspread? | ||
| I think everybody who I've ever met that had a waterbed. | ||
| I probably did. | ||
| It was a good waterbed, though, but they suck for fucking. | ||
| My cat popped mine while we were fucking, and it was a slow leak, but what happened is we both woke up at the same time, and it was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
hissing. | |
| But you said me and my cat were fucking. | ||
| No, I wasn't fucking the cat. | ||
| The cat popped it while I was fucking a girl. | ||
| It was like something I tweet. | ||
| There was no punctuation, so I didn't know it. | ||
| It was a guy. | ||
| It was Jim Carrey. | ||
| I was fucking sucking Jim Carrey's hard cock. | ||
| His helmet comes back to my throat. | ||
| The cat was trying to bring you back to reality. | ||
| It wasn't the waterbed. | ||
| I peed myself. | ||
| His dick was just pushing all the piss out. | ||
| Brian, you need to go to a doctor. | ||
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| That's what you were telling Joey Diaz the other day. | ||
| You've been putting it off forever. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I re-watched the last Joey Diaz podcast last night, and that's the funny thing because when Joey Diaz is going crazy, he kept on going, you need to go to a doctor. | ||
| You need to go to a doctor. | ||
| And I'm thinking, what would be the doctor for? | ||
| Like a yelling doctor? | ||
| A crazy doctor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop doing that, Joey. | |
| You need to talk to somebody. | ||
| You need to go to a doctor. | ||
| Two of the funniest Diaz things. | ||
| The video where he was going, pushing a cart to Target? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I laughed so loud. | ||
| Yeah, Mad Flavors World. | ||
| Yeah, I was laughing so hard. | ||
| If you go on YouTube. | ||
| Is it Mad Flavor World or Mad Flavors World? | ||
| I think it's Mad Flavors World. | ||
| Okay, let's find out because people need to know. | ||
| It's so, so funny. | ||
| Just walking around talking to people in Target without them knowing. | ||
| Are you going to do a Death's Club show Friday? | ||
| Mad Flavors World. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why are you asking me on the air? | ||
| So then people can't know about it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I may do it on Friday. | ||
| I may not. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Mad Flavors World. | ||
| It is on YouTube. | ||
| You gotta go and check it out because what Joey's doing is he's just doing these little videos, putting them up every now and again. | ||
| I'm glad he's doing it. | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome. | ||
| More content from Joey. | ||
| Anything he does is awesome. | ||
| Joey's such an enigma. | ||
| Such an unusual person. | ||
| I've never met anybody that I let yell at me like Joey. | ||
| But he's like, you just weather the storm. | ||
| It's like, you know, it's almost like not even real. | ||
| Like, alright, Joey. | ||
| You still mad at me? | ||
| You done? | ||
| You done? | ||
| Tell me when you're done. | ||
| I watched that video. | ||
| It makes me laugh. | ||
| That's fucking Susquehanna weed! | ||
| That video posted what you were doing? | ||
| Fuck you guys with your fucking vaporizers! | ||
| It gets crazy, man. | ||
| Over a vaporizer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll start screaming at you fucking pussies with your vaporizer. | |
| I want it to be healthy! | ||
| It's fucking weed! | ||
| He'll get mad at you, man. | ||
| Was it a radio show you did where you invited him in? | ||
| I saw that clip. | ||
| Oh, the Alex Jones show, yeah. | ||
| What happened after that? | ||
| The dude was baffled. | ||
| Alex Jones just sat there in a pile of rubble. | ||
| What the fuck happened to his show? | ||
| I mean, could you imagine, man, if you got a doom and gloom show? | ||
| And those of you who haven't seen it, just Google. | ||
| Some dude did a Goodfellas version of it, which is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wish I knew the YouTube. | ||
| But look up Goodfellas, Joe Diaz, Alex Jones. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You can find it. | ||
| And anyway, what was hilarious about it is Alex is just so serious. | ||
| It's all doom and gloom. | ||
| And the government and the CIA has been spotted in Nicaragua with tons of cocaine. | ||
| And he's just like... | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| And to have a guy like Joey come in and just wreck shop. | ||
| Just being completely ridiculous. | ||
| And going for the laugh. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I thought I had dancing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Swear. | |
| My left ball is bigger than my right. | ||
| I thought I had cancer. | ||
| And to do it, this guy's got this fucking empire of doom and gloom. | ||
| He's got this empire of the fucking end of the world is here. | ||
| And this is what he's selling. | ||
| This is his entertainment. | ||
| And he's my friend! | ||
| And we just walked in and just gave him silly. | ||
| Here's some ridiculous, motherfucker. | ||
| Here's a human cartoon. | ||
| We're both high as... | ||
| Brian is so high... | ||
| Brian is sitting there with little Esther. | ||
| They're sitting on the floor watching. | ||
| On the bottom, like under the desk. | ||
| Like, we'll just sit here and watch. | ||
| They wanted to be inside watching and Brian's filming it and him and little Esther are giggling. | ||
| Dude, that was one of the greatest moments of my life. | ||
| That was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. | ||
| Now he was live at the time he was doing that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, we're on the internet. | ||
| That's how all these videos are out there. | ||
| And he said there's a dump button. | ||
| I know when I did radio, the dump buttons are... | ||
| He doesn't have anything dumping when he's online. | ||
| When he's online, the online version is uncensored. | ||
| Wasn't he broadcasting live to tons of other radio stations? | ||
| No, that's why he told us. | ||
| He was while I was on it. | ||
| The first 45 minutes while I was on, it was just me and him. | ||
| And then, okay, we're going to do this next one. | ||
| We're going to live on the internet, but don't swear. | ||
| You know, if you do, it's okay. | ||
| You can't say that. | ||
| I hope he's okay, by the way. | ||
| Have you been watching the news about Austin and all the fires? | ||
| Is it bad? | ||
| Oh, it's super bad. | ||
| Like, tons of houses. | ||
| Well, I saw Dale Dudley posted something on Twitter about it that it took him like two and a half hours to get home and it's scary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of people are losing their houses in Austin right now. | ||
| Dude, wildfires are fucking nuts. | ||
| I've been in a few of them now. | ||
| I've been evacuated from my house on three separate occasions, twice in this house and twice in my other house. | ||
| It's fucking scary as shit, man. | ||
| How do you decide, because I just had a conversation with my wife going, we have no exit plan for zombies, earthquake, fire, nothing. | ||
| We have nothing now. | ||
| How do you know what to grab? | ||
| That's the one thing that was like... | ||
| You don't need to grab anything, man. | ||
| Grab your fucking wife. | ||
| Stop thinking about your shit because it's over, man. | ||
| You can reaccumulate shit. | ||
| You need to get the fuck out. | ||
| When you get to a situation like that, you know what you need? | ||
| You need your credit cards. | ||
| You need your fucking laptop, if you can get it, and some clothes for a few days. | ||
| Just fucking run. | ||
| Because they swarm on you so fast. | ||
| This is how fast those fucking fires are, man. | ||
| We were in... | ||
| Lake Tijon, which is like over an hour north, and you have to take the 5 up past Santa Clarita. | ||
| So I'm on the 5 up near Santa Clarita, and the fire is right there. | ||
| It's like as I'm driving to work. | ||
| It's like 10 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| As I'm going to work, it's like right there, and I'm like, whoa. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Like, this looks bad. | ||
| It looks bad. | ||
| I mean, it was a big fire. | ||
| So I'm at work. | ||
| We're filming Fear Factor. | ||
| We film for about three or four hours. | ||
| We get done with the stunt, and we see smoke coming over the mountain. | ||
| Now, this is over an hour and a half of driving 70 miles an hour. | ||
| The fire got to where I was in just a few hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So when I leave, I get on the fucking highway. | ||
| And the entire way home, the whole right side of the highway is ablaze. | ||
| Like a horror movie. | ||
| Because it's nighttime, and it looks like a scene from The Hobbit. | ||
| Like I'm waiting for demons to come riding over in black horses with fiery eyes. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking terrifying, man. | ||
| And I tried to take some photos. | ||
| We also saw a dead guy there, too. | ||
| I think it talked about that. | ||
| Saw a guy getting hit by a car. | ||
| Matt Kunitz actually saw him. | ||
| One of the producers of Fear Factor. | ||
| He saw the guy's body. | ||
| I don't think he actually saw the impact. | ||
| I think he just saw it right after it happened. | ||
| I saw somebody get hit once and I still have that vision in my head. | ||
| You can't try to run across the highway, man! | ||
| People can't stop that fast. | ||
| You've got to be able to gauge how fast a person can stop. | ||
| You know, like a race car can stop 96 feet from like 100 miles an hour. | ||
| You know, that's a race car. | ||
| That's a lot of fucking distance, man. | ||
| 96 feet screeching coming towards you. | ||
| A giant hunk of metal. | ||
| That's if the people are actually paying attention, not texting or something. | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| You've got to be careful. | ||
| There's people who do text on the highway, which is amazing. | ||
| I see it a lot now. | ||
| You see them just looking down and just kind of... | ||
| Motherfuckers. | ||
| Motherfuckers. | ||
| You know, someone that John Anik from ESPN's MMA Live, you know that show that they have? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He always says, don't text and drive. | ||
| He says it at the end of every show, which is such a good thing to do. | ||
| Just put it in people's heads. | ||
| Just don't do it. | ||
| Like Bob Barker. | ||
| I think texting drives better. | ||
| If your pets want to fuck, that's unfortunate, but Bob Barker's a good guy. | ||
| Just trying to make sure there's not any unwanted puppies. | ||
| Just little messages, little tags. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People have little tags. | |
| Goldie has one. | ||
| I work with Mike Goldberg. | ||
| When a fight's over, it's always, and it's all over! | ||
| Joe, do you know who Tyler the Creator is? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Tyler the Creator. | ||
| Is he a rapper? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's really young. | ||
| He's like 20 years old. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| And I've been following his Twitter for a bit now, but I guess he just won something at the Video Movie Awards. | ||
| His Twitter's pretty funny. | ||
| He's Fuck Tyler on Twitter. | ||
| But he's just this little young kid, but he has this rap. | ||
| His Twitter's called Fuck Tyler? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And he has this song. | ||
| Don't type that right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's going to be a really weird site that's going to pop up. | |
| I'm a big fan. | ||
| I think you might like him. | ||
| Check out his raps. | ||
| What's really cool is he's not one of those guys that comes... | ||
| Damn, he's got 545,000 followers? | ||
| He's fucking brilliant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I love this dude. | ||
| I love this guy. | ||
| Damn, how do I not know about this guy? | ||
| It's called like horror rap is what he gets tagged as with. | ||
| Horror? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like monsters? | |
| Horror. | ||
| Yeah, well, no, kind of like, I guess, scary rap. | ||
| Like, I saw one of his videos where, like, everyone has guns in their hands and stuff, kind of like, maybe like a new version of N.W.A., you know, kind of like Scarface. | ||
| You remember when Scarface and Ghetto Boys were, they were considered horror, kind of, like a gangster rap, I guess? | ||
| Horror? | ||
| Scarface was considered horror rap? | ||
| Yeah, remember when the Ghetto Boys was out? | ||
| They were kind of like, you kind of believed that they were like a gang almost. | ||
| You know, and there were fucking bullets in their eyes coming out of sockets and stuff. | ||
| I think he tried to kill himself, didn't he? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I thought he got shot in the eye or something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think he, didn't he? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't know what happened to that guy. | ||
| I'm just trying to think of the horror rap. | ||
| But there's a sweet bitch. | ||
| I think he tried to kill himself. | ||
| I think he was high on Everclear and he shot himself in the face. | ||
| There's a really cool video that you need to see of Tyler, the creator. | ||
| It's called Yonkers. | ||
| We need to have the answer to that. | ||
| Bushwick Bill shot himself? | ||
| Check out Yonkers. | ||
| See that guy that is... | ||
| I don't want to be saying that because I'm a fan. | ||
| You know what sucks about liking people like Tyler, the Creator, though? | ||
| It's like they have a live show in L.A., but I would be too scared to go there. | ||
| I got beat up by it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd probably be scared. | |
| Because I feel like... | ||
| You can't hang around with black eyes? | ||
| Well, I believe that probably the majority of the people that like him are probably a little bit rougher than me. | ||
| They would see me and try to rate me or something. | ||
| Rougher. | ||
| I was at a Curtis Blow, New Edition, UTFO concert in Detroit when I was 16 and we got beat up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Okay, in 1991, Bushwickville, either in a suicidal funk or a drunken rage, or as a scheme to have his mother collect on his insurance policy... | ||
| He began goading his 17-year-old girlfriend and shooting him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Reports say he had threatened to harm the child they had together if she refused to go through with the deed. | ||
| What actually transpired has never been divulged by either party involved, but either his or her hand, by either his or her hand, Bill caught a slug in his right eye. | ||
| Whoa, shoot me, we're gonna make some money on an insurance policy. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Let's do a sex tape! | ||
| Yeah, it was before that. | ||
| Wow, but he already had a bunch of... | ||
| Didn't they have hit songs already? | ||
| Who went that sex tape? | ||
| Could he not do shows or something? | ||
| Where was his money going? | ||
| He needed money that bad that he wanted to get shot for insurance money? | ||
| I mean, they were famous by that. | ||
| Yeah, you really didn't think that through. | ||
| And by the way, I don't think... | ||
| The first sex tape, I think, was that dude from Hogan's Heroes. | ||
| Dude, I'll always be a Bushwick Bill fan. | ||
| From that song, Fuck A War. | ||
| You know that song? | ||
| Didn't we play that on the podcast once? | ||
| It's a great fucking jam. | ||
| Bushwick Bill's Fuck A War. | ||
| Just for that alone, that dude gets my respect forever. | ||
| He can go shoot himself. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Joe, did you ever have one of those Coca-Cola shirts in the 80s that were popular? | ||
| A Coca-Cola shirt? | ||
| Remember those Jersey Coca-Cola shirts that were really popular? | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| Do you know what he's talking about? | ||
| I don't know Jersey. | ||
| Did they sell that at Chess King? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Holy cow. | ||
| They used to have these jerseys that just had the stripe across it that said Coca-Cola. | ||
| And it was a stripe on the arms and a stripe in the front. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| Like hockey jersey or like basketball? | ||
| No, not jersey, like sports jersey. | ||
| Kind of like polo shirts kind of. | ||
| I remember there was a phase where people wore a lot of, yeah, like Coca-Cola just started making clothes that you would actually wear. | ||
| How did that become popular? | ||
| Did someone knock on the door? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that? | |
| Did someone knock on the door? | ||
| Is that Woody Woodpen? | ||
| Is that Joey? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| You heard that, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe he's knocking on the front girl. | ||
| The front door. | ||
| He's fucking knocking up a girl. | ||
| Just ask if someone's knocking on the front door. | ||
| Joey Diaz is on his way over here, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Oh, he's outside the door. | ||
| Hold on, folks. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Did you know they're making a sequel to Knocked Up? | ||
| Hey, John, did you know that they're making a sequel to Knocked Up? | ||
| No, it ain't. | ||
| Sorry about that, guys. | ||
| We were trying to figure out where you were knocking. | ||
| Oh, I had to play burglar. | ||
| I had to jump the fence. | ||
| Joey Diaz has now just walked into the building. | ||
| Listen, we're high as fuck, and we had headphones on. | ||
| We had no idea where that noise was coming from. | ||
| You were knocking on the door. | ||
| We were looking around. | ||
| I didn't want to call. | ||
| It was a waste of time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where is he? | |
| What's happening? | ||
| Hey, hold on. | ||
| John Efron, what's happening? | ||
| So just to cover what we're talking about, Brian was hypnotizing us with some story about Do you remember the Coca-Cola shirts in the 80s that were really popular that was kind of like a polo shirt? | ||
| The red shirt? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I remember the red shirt. | ||
| You guys remember. | ||
| We have no idea. | ||
| They have no idea what I'm talking about. | ||
| I don't know about the hypnotized. | ||
| I was never hypnotized by it. | ||
| I know the shirt you're talking about. | ||
| The red Coca-Cola. | ||
| Very popular. | ||
| No, we were hypnotized by his story because it was so ridiculous. | ||
| I was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| They thought it was crazy. | ||
| I'm so glad you walked in. | ||
| I'm glad you're here to defend him. | ||
| Otherwise, we're going to attack. | ||
| We're just mounting up our attack right now. | ||
| This motherfucker. | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| Joe Diaz in the fucking house, bitches! | ||
| Bro, this went to fucking Malibu and got hit in the fucking leg. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| By a rock. | ||
| Those eight-foot waves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| We're bringing in fucking rocks, though. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That thing knocked me over. | ||
| I mean, it was... | ||
| My foot was on the rock, and a rock squished my fucking fungi toe. | ||
| My uncle lives on the Jersey Shore, and he got a... | ||
| He made a video of waves fucking up the Jersey Shore, like how bad Irene crushed everything. | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| It's nuts, man. | ||
| Newark is really bad. | ||
| Middle New Jersey is fucking bad, man. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Vermont got fucked up. | ||
| Vermont. | ||
| You know what the really crazy thing was? | ||
| Looking at the satellite image of how big the hurricane was. | ||
| When they talked about it was going to take two days to reach Vermont from Florida, or North Carolina, I remember looking at the picture, I'm like, that's the scale? | ||
| That's a country! | ||
| That's a country of a storm flying overhead. | ||
| It looked bigger than most European countries. | ||
| Bigger than Germany or something like that. | ||
| What's a small European country? | ||
| It was way bigger than that. | ||
| It was huge! | ||
| Some of those countries in Europe are very small and very close to each other. | ||
| This hurricane was bigger than a couple of countries. | ||
| It's fucking nuts, man. | ||
| And it ain't over. | ||
| I think we'll get one this year that'll do some damage. | ||
| At least one. | ||
| Is that the biggest one of all time? | ||
| No. | ||
| On that side of the country? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's the biggest one of all time? | ||
| Gloria? | ||
| Because I remember when I was a kid, Hurricane Gloria hit. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Katrina wouldn't be the biggest? | ||
| Well, it was one of the most devastating, but that was also because where it hit. | ||
| It hit New Orleans, which is really crazy that no big one's ever hit New Orleans before. | ||
| It's right on the fucking Gulf Coast right there. | ||
| They just got lucky. | ||
| It's like, you talk about, like, living anywhere tornadoes hit is just, like, totally like plain craps. | ||
| One day, this guy becomes an angry monster and destroys an entire town. | ||
| You see those pictures they had in Tuscaloosa, Alabama? | ||
| Un-fucking-believable. | ||
| Waving Joplin. | ||
| The whole place is gone. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| That's Joplin, Missouri? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they always get fucking whacked. | ||
| They get whacked hard, bro. | ||
| They get whacked hard. | ||
| Crazy, man, that people choose to stay in places like that. | ||
| I guess they can't economically. | ||
| I mean, there's an earthquake in the East Coast. | ||
| We're not safe anyway. | ||
| We're either in Tornado Alley, Earthquake Alley, or fucking Hurricane Alley. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| You know, I was at Malibu the other day. | ||
| I'm looking at these waves, and I'm looking at the intensity. | ||
| And for one second, I thought about, what if there is a fucking tsunami at Malibu? | ||
| What if? | ||
| I was sitting there going, what if? | ||
| A little fucking earthquake. | ||
| That's a wild ocean out there. | ||
| The ocean is just wild. | ||
| It's the blood of the earth. | ||
| It's 60% of whatever the fucking coverage is. | ||
| And it baffles the fuck out of me since I was a kid, so I don't fuck with it. | ||
| I know it's got power. | ||
| I almost drowned in Coney Island. | ||
| I almost drowned as a kid in Coney Island. | ||
| And I was out there, up to your waist, playing with a ball, and all of a sudden, You know, something just sucks you, and you don't know what it is. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| And next thing you know, you're in a fucking toe, and you know what, man? | ||
| What do they call them? | ||
| A missile toe, but undertow. | ||
| Yeah, undertow. | ||
| Or a riptide. | ||
| No, undertow. | ||
| Yeah, a riptide or undertow. | ||
| Both of them the same. | ||
| I don't mind pools and shit. | ||
| I know people pissing them and shit, but the fucking ocean's a different animal. | ||
| You know, I didn't even know. | ||
| Look, I got clocked by a fucking rock. | ||
| That's a creepy feeling, too, when you feel the undertow or the riptide, whatever the fuck it is, pulling you back. | ||
| Yeah, we used to go to... | ||
| That is the ocean trying to pull you into it. | ||
| Remember when you look back and see your mom and she's getting farther and farther and finally they're like, get the fuck in! | ||
| And you're like, it's up to my waist! | ||
| And it's sucking you in and all of a sudden you just go from 5 feet to 15 feet and now you're caught in that fucking... | ||
| It's scary because you're supposed to actually, when you're being pulled, swim, don't fight it. | ||
| You know, Greg Fitzsimmons saved somebody. | ||
| Some girl, he was on vacation. | ||
| And Greg Fitzsimmons is not like the most fit guy. | ||
| He's a small dude. | ||
| And he said some girl got pulled away by the tide and she started screaming. | ||
| And he realized she couldn't swim very well. | ||
| And he went, oh, fuck. | ||
| And he had a moment to decide what to do and he jumped in. | ||
| And he was there with his family. | ||
| You've got to be careful about that, man, because you know what happens? | ||
| People drown you. | ||
| If you don't really know how to rescue someone and you grab ahold of them, they panic and they drag you under. | ||
| That's fucking dangerous as shit, man. | ||
| Rescuing someone is very hard to do. | ||
| You gotta really know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| The first time I moved to California, I went wakeboarding. | ||
| We went out in the thing. | ||
| And a huge wave, but I missed it. | ||
| I didn't know to go under. | ||
| I didn't know to shoot the board under and pop up. | ||
| So I rode. | ||
| So it took me nine feet in there and threw me backwards. | ||
| And then pinned me. | ||
| And ever since then, I haven't done it again. | ||
| Like, I'm too afraid to, like... | ||
| Because I just got my ass kicked so bad that one particular time. | ||
| I'm like, nah, I'm gonna... | ||
| And you're from the land of the rivers up there, Michigan. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's a little bit easier. | ||
| Oh, a couple fucking mosquitoes. | ||
| That's the worst thing you run into. | ||
| You got a pontoon boat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, somebody. | |
| You know, that's a different fucking animal. | ||
| Those mosquitoes on the lake are brutal. | ||
| They're pretty bad. | ||
| They're brutal. | ||
| They'll pick you the fuck up now. | ||
| They'll pick you the fuck up and put you somewhere else. | ||
| They got those blanky fucking, just rub bacon milk. | ||
| Anytime you're near water on the East Coast, I used to, there was a, the Charles River was near my house on the East Coast, and I went into the bushes one time with this chick, and we were fucking around, and we had our pants down, and we had to stop because we were getting I just got attacked | ||
| by swarms. | ||
| I still remember some of the worst nights when that one mosquito would get into your bedroom and your dad didn't put on the air so it was probably you're sleeping in 85 degree weather and you just hear the one just that one and you can't get it. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| I rented a house once and nobody had lived in the house for a couple of years. | ||
| And they had left all the water in the pool. | ||
| So I got there and the pool was fucking green, man. | ||
| I mean, green like pea soup. | ||
| And I looked in it and I see like these schools. | ||
| And I go, what the fuck is that? | ||
| There's these schools of these little tiny bugs swimming. | ||
| I'm talking hundreds of thousands. | ||
| Hundreds of thousands of these 20 bugs. | ||
| The guy goes, oh shit. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| He goes, those are mosquito larvae. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| We had a problem. | ||
| I go, so when is this going to hatch? | ||
| He goes, this could hatch any day now. | ||
| I'm like, holy shit! | ||
| So this has just been providing mosquitoes to the entire community for years. | ||
| This big pool of mosquitoes, man. | ||
| So this guy had to pump gallons and gallons and gallons of poison in there. | ||
| It took like two weeks to clean that fucking thing out. | ||
| He had to pump the filter and pump all the chlorine and gallons and gallons of chlorine, then drain all the water out because it was too poisonous and put new water in it. | ||
| Because you couldn't just drain it. | ||
| You have all these fucking bugs floating around in the water. | ||
| I'm talking literally hundreds of pounds of mosquitoes. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| We're not all fucking as old as I am, but... | ||
| What have happened to off? | ||
| That shit don't work no more. | ||
| Somebody told me about six years ago. | ||
| I went somewhere and they were like, off don't work no more, bro. | ||
| Those are for 80s mosquitoes. | ||
| They even got it like in the back of Rouse now. | ||
| They don't even push off. | ||
| There hasn't been an off fucking cover. | ||
| Remember when we were kids, you could light the thing? | ||
| I know you did in Michigan. | ||
| You light the thing and then you can hang out. | ||
| The citronella candle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man. | |
| No, the one made by Orff. | ||
| That was a wave. | ||
| It was a circle. | ||
| So when it burned at the end, you knew you had to go in. | ||
| That's when you had to go in. | ||
| Now, those mosquitoes, that's like nothing. | ||
| They're like, pfft, fucking Orff? | ||
| You're going to put Orff on you? | ||
| They don't even advertise it no more. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| What happened to Orff? | ||
| Done! | ||
| These mosquitoes don't even respect Orff no more. | ||
| It's like, Orff? | ||
| That's old school, bitch. | ||
| How ridiculous is Orff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Orff. | |
| Don't go out until you got the Orff on. | ||
| It smells like dick. | ||
| Nobody uses off no more. | ||
| It's still there because I checked. | ||
| People know that shit don't work. | ||
| Even if it does work, it's probably poisonous. | ||
| You're pouring something on your body that makes you unattractive. | ||
| We used to spray fucking mosquitoes. | ||
| It's probably not good for you. | ||
| Your skin is the biggest organ on your body. | ||
| When you're spraying stuff, says the man with tattoos all over his skin. | ||
| What the fuck am I talking about? | ||
| I got ink in my skin. | ||
| But spraying anything on your skin, like even sunscreen, it's going to be absorbed. | ||
| Those chemicals are going to be absorbed by your body. | ||
| Kids used to run behind the... | ||
| There used to be a truck. | ||
| This is a little bit older than me. | ||
| The truck would drive down the street with just poison, shoot it into the air to kill all the... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| Maybe our grandparents, but the kids used to follow it like an ice cream truck and just run down the street behind that fumigator. | ||
| Dude, there's some guys in my neighborhood, I don't know what the deal is, what they're killing, but they were walking around the other day with fucking masks on their face with these white suits on, and they had these little plastic spray jugs, and they were spraying this shit on the side of the road. | ||
| What the fuck could you be spraying in the road that I want you to spray in the road while you're wearing a gas mask? | ||
| Do you have just an excess amount of this shit and need to kill weeds? | ||
| What, is somebody getting hay fever? | ||
| You know, come on, man. | ||
| I mean, you want to hire somebody to cut it down, then you're making new jobs. | ||
| But spraying poison on the side of the road, is that really necessary? | ||
| Who the fuck says okay to that? | ||
| Isn't there laws against that shit? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| It wouldn't be bug stuff. | ||
| I don't think they do it much anymore. | ||
| They have to still do it, though. | ||
| They must still do it. | ||
| Well, I saw them do it, but what are they doing? | ||
| What are they spraying? | ||
| Are they spraying for weeds? | ||
| No, I think it's mosquitoes. | ||
| No. | ||
| On the side of the road? | ||
| I read about it. | ||
| Right on the side of the road. | ||
| I think that's weeds, bro. | ||
| Yeah, it used to go in the middle of the night. | ||
| It's just that thing, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'd say weeds over bugs. | ||
| This is too big of an area. | ||
| I think it's weeds. | ||
| I don't think it's bugs. | ||
| Yeah, there's no way. | ||
| They don't really kill that many bugs. | ||
| Because the problem with killing bugs is there's some crazy ecosystem out there, man. | ||
| There's a whole sort of a cycle to it. | ||
| And if you squash one thing, like mosquitoes or bugs, you might fuck up some other part of the ecosystem along with it and it might kill birds. | ||
| Did you see the guy, there's a guy who made an entire ecosystem in his house and that's how he keeps spiders and flies away? | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know the exact number. | ||
| He has hundreds of different bug species that eat each other, and he has perimeters in his house. | ||
| It's an entire... | ||
| So he leaves the flies, but then the spiders come and make the thing, but then these things eat the spiders. | ||
| I saw it on his thing. | ||
| He has an entire... | ||
| That's his bug system. | ||
| And he has perimeters set up, and they don't leave the perimeters. | ||
| So by the time you're in his house, nothing. | ||
| Well, look, man, if you look at animals that eat other animals... | ||
| But he's got all these crazy worms that do this thing, but he's got it all figured out. | ||
| It's how it's supposed to be set up. | ||
| I mean, I guess if you paid attention to it and you find out what the prey is and what things eat and what eats them... | ||
| He had frogs and everything. | ||
| He had the whole system. | ||
| That's fascinating, man. | ||
| I wonder how much effort he has to put into keeping that going. | ||
| Oh, no, it was crazy. | ||
| It was like something you'd see at a zoo. | ||
| That's his life's work. | ||
| That's like the hip bone connected to the joint bone. | ||
| That's like there's something always fucking doing. | ||
| Somebody's always eating somebody. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I don't have piranhas anymore. | ||
| I had the piranhas were a pain in the ass, man. | ||
| First of all, you had to clean that tank like every couple of days because they eat messy. | ||
| It's exciting when they eat, but they eat messy. | ||
| But they're only exciting when they're eating. | ||
| When they're eating, it's crazy to watch them, man. | ||
| I would feed them goldfish and they would go on a rampage. | ||
| It was incredible to watch, man. | ||
| You suck as a goldfish. | ||
| You think you're going to some little kid who's going to name you and you're going to fly around the treasure chest and suddenly you're like, what? | ||
| Fuck goldfish. | ||
| They traumatized me as a kid. | ||
| I used to fish for goldfish and the goldfish in New York are the weirdest thing because you get them out of the Hudson River, which is murky, you put them into clean water and they die. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You've been living in that shit water for 10 years. | ||
| I bring you home. | ||
| I give you love and warmth. | ||
| There's goldfish in the Hudson? | ||
| In the Central Park. | ||
| When I was a kid in Central Park. | ||
| How'd you catch them? | ||
| Just a little fucking thing or a net. | ||
| Oh, they were probably carp. | ||
| Yeah, you have like the little paddle boats in Central Park. | ||
| You probably know. | ||
| They're goldfish. | ||
| Are they goldfish or they're carp? | ||
| Yeah, they're big goldfish. | ||
| They're big goldfish. | ||
| You don't want to catch nothing out of that fucking Hudson, dog. | ||
| I seen a friend of mine eat an eel's heart one time out of the Hudson. | ||
| What? | ||
| That motherfucker glowed in the dark for years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| When I was a kid, it was funny because Puerto Ricans lived in the Bronx and Brooklyn. | ||
| It's so weird how the nationality thing goes. | ||
| But Puerto Ricans' big weekend out in the old days was to go to Jersey. | ||
| If you watch Copland, you catch the black people under the bridge and Salone's giving them a ticket and they're like, that's the last time we'll come over to Jersey! | ||
| Because that was a big thing. | ||
| As bad as people put Jersey, it's got a little couple sightseeing things. | ||
| Especially like some people rent a We're good to go. | ||
| You know, they pull up with a car. | ||
| And Puerto Ricans are famous. | ||
| You know, they come out of the car, tend to a car. | ||
| That's no hacking thing. | ||
| It's the shit that was in the car. | ||
| The grill, the couch, the 12-piece fucking mambo fucking band. | ||
| I mean, they're amazing. | ||
| And you go under the Hudson Bridge and hear these people are in this disgusting water. | ||
| And this life is, they're just making the best of what they had. | ||
| They came from the fucking Bronx in the 70s, which had nothing. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They just dug the Bronx River out. | ||
| Did you read what they found in there? | ||
| No. | ||
| Buildings! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Like, people were throwing buildings and cars in there. | ||
| Buildings? | ||
| Yeah, like that. | ||
| You know, the Hudson, all that shit is so, they have destroyed that. | ||
| The pollution levels. | ||
| I watched a show the other day about plastic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I did not know. | ||
| Do you think it's inevitable that if you get 7 million people living on an island like Manhattan that you have to just pollute? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Just look at any random stall at a public restroom. | ||
| That's only 10 people going and not giving a shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's like you're animals. | ||
| Like, no one knows. | ||
| I think guys just getting, like, a public stall and go, I'm just going to piss all over the place. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with people, man? | ||
| Did you see Naples last week? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Beautiful city. | ||
| How about the garbage? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about the garbage? | ||
| They don't pick up garbage. | ||
| Can you imagine living your life with garbage? | ||
| You know what that fucking smells like after a week? | ||
| A week in this fucking weather? | ||
| I told this story once about going to Harlem to play One Pocket. | ||
| My friend Johnny B and Mount Vernon Tommy and this dude Juan, we all went to Harlem to play some pimps. | ||
| The pimps would be gambling, playing pool. | ||
| So they would spend a lot of money, so the word got out, it was like 125th Street in Harlem, maybe even higher than that. | ||
| We got there, and there was apparently some garbage strike, and the garbage was 7 feet to 8 feet high for a whole block. | ||
| I mean, a whole block, dude. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| People would just step outside and throw their garbage on a pile, and there was rats everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Because there's bags of food. | ||
| There's bags of things that rats can eat. | ||
| I'm talking literally a block of eight foot high piles of garbage. | ||
| It was horrifying, man. | ||
| My friends worked for Hunt Chemical and they went to India. | ||
| They all got transferred to India in the early 90s. | ||
| And they came back and they were telling me stories about how they don't kill rats there. | ||
| So when you pull up at night with your car, you know how you see a raccoon or a fucking cat? | ||
| It'd just be rats in your garbage. | ||
| You have to sit there for 10 minutes and let them run out of the fucking garbage before you get out of the car. | ||
| I can't deal with that. | ||
| Did you see the rat they found in the Bronx? | ||
| I know you've seen that. | ||
| Tell them how big the fucking rat was. | ||
| And how many were there? | ||
| They said there's a lot of them. | ||
| The guy looked in and goes, he thought there were kids in there. | ||
| He thought it was like kids. | ||
| He put them out. | ||
| They were like a cat. | ||
| The back legs... | ||
| You know how a cat picks his legs up? | ||
| He had it like this. | ||
| Like three feet? | ||
| How big were they? | ||
| It was the biggest rat I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| It was fucking enormous. | ||
| Its body looked like it was almost two feet long. | ||
| His body was clearly more than a foot long. | ||
| His body easily could have been a foot and a half, maybe even two feet long. | ||
| It was a big rat. | ||
| And this guy said there's a lot of them there. | ||
| He said there was a lot of them in that hole. | ||
| You know, it's so weird. | ||
| I grew up on ADHD for a while when I came from Cuba. | ||
| And we would kill rats. | ||
| You know, you chase a rat, hit him with a stick, light him on fire, throw rocks at him. | ||
| You make sure that motherfucker's dead. | ||
| Then I used to spend my summers on the 140th Street. | ||
| My godmother had three buildings so I could walk underneath. | ||
| I seen a rat under there one time that his eyes were so fucking big. | ||
| His eyes were so fucking big that I was like, you know where I've seen a big rat to? | ||
| At the La Jolla Comedy Store fucking condo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen a rat in that motherfucker. | ||
| I packed my bags and got back on that five, bitch. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I've seen a big rat there. | ||
| I think they live in the ocean. | ||
| God. | ||
| Damn, they live in the ocean. | ||
| Listen, I can't deal with that. | ||
| Rats are so fucking durable. | ||
| They can compress their body and get through really small holes, too. | ||
| Like a big rat can smoosh his body and get through a fairly small fucking hole. | ||
| It's really kind of crazy to watch. | ||
| Rats are fucking crazy. | ||
| Do you think guys back in the day, like 400, 500 years ago, were afraid of rats or they just looked at it as food? | ||
| We're lucky that we don't have to deal with the rats. | ||
| I don't think they're afraid. | ||
| If you go back Neanderthal days, they didn't give a fuck about a rat. | ||
| Anything small. | ||
| I live up in the hills too and I have a privacy fence and you'll see them just running. | ||
| My dogs will try to... | ||
| And then I'll jump every time I see one. | ||
| I'm like, when do you get over that? | ||
| Dude, I used to have them in my... | ||
| I had to bring in Exterminators. | ||
| I used to have them in my attic. | ||
| You would hear them. | ||
| It was like, literally, like two dogs fighting up there. | ||
| I would hear, like, they would screech and squawk at each other sometimes, because they would be mating. | ||
| So I'd hear... | ||
| I would hear rats scream, fuck yeah, in my house. | ||
| I'd hear it in my attic. | ||
| I had to hire a guy to come in and kill them all. | ||
| He said it was nuts. | ||
| They weren't that big. | ||
| They were regular size. | ||
| But, you know, they're fucking running in your ceiling. | ||
| Running and slamming into things and fighting over pussy. | ||
| They were screaming and fighting over pussy. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| I don't know if you were there. | ||
| A friend of mine told me once how they would do arson in the old days. | ||
| They would get a cage and put mice in them and pour gasoline on the mice and light the mice on fire and pull the thing. | ||
| And the mice run into the walls and dig. | ||
| That's the way the Jews light your house on fire. | ||
| Them Jews would do that fucking insurance scam and the rats would go into the walls. | ||
| And burn the wall. | ||
| That's the way that you do old school Jewish lightning. | ||
| That is fucking brilliant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how you do old school Jewish lightning. | |
| That's old school Jewish lightning. | ||
| As long as you had enough rats, right? | ||
| That means the fucking place is going down because while they're searing, they're still going in your walls, dying. | ||
| So they're starting more fucking things in your walls. | ||
| Would gasoline be enough? | ||
| You'd have to really dip him in there. | ||
| You'd have to dip him in there. | ||
| This is the old days when everybody was in on it. | ||
| The fucking insurance people came. | ||
| Look at Bushwick Bill got shot in the fucking head. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| You didn't hear about this? | ||
| No! | ||
| We were here earlier. | ||
| Bushwick Bill, we were reading about an old story. | ||
| It's an old story. | ||
| It happened in like 99. He told his girlfriend to shoot him in the head because he wanted to get the insurance money. | ||
| And they don't know who did it, whether he shot himself in the head or she shot him in the head, but he got shot in the eye. | ||
| So is he alive? | ||
| Yeah, he's alive. | ||
| Because somebody's seen him in Houston years ago. | ||
| John Westling. | ||
| Somebody's seen Bushwood fucking Bill. | ||
| No, this happened in the 80s. | ||
| We just figured it out. | ||
| It happened a long time ago. | ||
| Oh, okay, okay. | ||
| I think he's on the cover of one of his fucking We Can't Be Stopped, I think, the Ghetto Boys, with the patch over his eye. | ||
| It shows his eye all fucked up where he shot himself. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, it's on one of the albums where he's coming out in a gurney. | ||
| How fucked up would that be to shoot you so? | ||
| When you're high on Everclear, apparently, you do a lot of crazy things. | ||
| Everclear is like some super powerful alcohol. | ||
| First time I got pulled over, I was on seven shots of Everclear. | ||
| What? | ||
| And the cop, I was 16. Oh my god! | ||
| I used to work at this movie theater with all these guys that were like 18 or 19, and I would go to this military base and buy Everclear. | ||
| What? | ||
| They thought it was cool because they were the ones that first introduced me to weed and everything. | ||
| The military? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| These guys that I hang out with. | ||
| These older guys. | ||
| They thought it would be funny to get me fucked up on it by giving me shots. | ||
| And I wanted to act like, oh yeah, I'm cool, I can do shots of this. | ||
| Not knowing what Everclear was. | ||
| I just heard it was like a strong alcohol. | ||
| What is the percentage of alcohol in Everclear? | ||
| I wanted to say it was like 120 proof. | ||
| You had seven of them. | ||
| Proof? | ||
| And then they let you drive. | ||
| Well, no, they thought I was crashing there, but I lied to them. | ||
| If you know Brian, he got in that fucking car. | ||
| I'm not drunk, bitch! | ||
| I ain't drunk, motherfucker! | ||
| I had seven shots! | ||
| Yeah, he will argue with you when he's drunk. | ||
| This is all alleged, by the way. | ||
| The coolest thing was, though, is that I got pulled over right down the street. | ||
| Literally, like two blocks, I got pulled over. | ||
| And the cop goes, dude, you're wasted. | ||
| Alright, here's the deal. | ||
| See this UDF, which is like a gas station? | ||
| He's like, you park your car in there, you sit there. | ||
| He's like, I want you to go inside, buy a cup of coffee. | ||
| I'm coming back in four hours. | ||
| If you're not here, I'm giving you a fucking DUI. I'm going, I know where you live and everything like that. | ||
| What a good cop. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| Really, you should go to jail, you fuck. | ||
| He even gets better. | ||
| He even gets better. | ||
| I was like, he's like, go in there and get a coffee. | ||
| And I'm like, actually, I have no money. | ||
| And he goes, he gave me money to buy a cup of coffee. | ||
| That's a strong cop. | ||
| There's good cops out there, man. | ||
| Everclear in Boulder, Colorado, there's a Mexican restaurant. | ||
| I don't know if it's still there. | ||
| Papusa's? | ||
| No, it's on Melrose. | ||
| Ah, Melrose. | ||
| Whatever, the main pearl. | ||
| If you're in Boulder, go to Papusa's. | ||
| Fucking tremendous. | ||
| But the secret of this place was that margaritas were made with Everclear instead of Cointreau. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So you were only allowed three. | ||
| And then they asked you to fucking leave. | ||
| And I see tough guys going there. | ||
| Fuck that! | ||
| I ate Quaaludes! | ||
| Three of those, and you'd just be like this, bro. | ||
| I think El Coyote does that. | ||
| Are they allowed to do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think El Coyote does that in Los Angeles. | ||
| Three margarita limit, bitch. | ||
| And for lunch, they had a one margarita limit. | ||
| You could have two little ones. | ||
| They had little ones for a dollar, like little champagne wedding things. | ||
| El Coyote does that? | ||
| They don't tell you what's in it. | ||
| They win all the margarita contests almost every year. | ||
| And they won't tell you what the secret ingredient is. | ||
| But every time I go there, if you just get the one on the rocks, I'll get two. | ||
| And I feel like I just fucking did ecstasy sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, we need to film this. | ||
| We need to film us going to El Coyote and having some margaritas. | ||
| Let's do that, boys. | ||
| You know what's crazy, though? | ||
| I'll drive. | ||
| You know what the craziest thing? | ||
| I'll drive. | ||
| We're going to hire someone to drive. | ||
| Yeah, we'll get a little car. | ||
| One of the craziest things is that tequila... | ||
| Just kidding, I'm driving. | ||
| It depends on what mood you're in. | ||
| If you drink enough tequila, bro, it becomes something different. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It becomes a different animal than vodka, or tequila's a kind of tricky motherfucker. | ||
| I don't know if you motherfuckers ever ate the worm. | ||
| I made a mistake once, and it was soft and ate a worm. | ||
| Tequila makes me, I think, yeah, there's a difference between tequila drunk, it sounds ridiculous. | ||
| Yes, it does, but it's true. | ||
| Tequila drunk and whiskey drunk. | ||
| Whiskey drunk is more like fucking aggressive. | ||
| Tequila drunk is more like, we gotta find the vampires. | ||
| I'm angry. | ||
| I don't get angry on tequila, man, but Jack Daniels is questionable. | ||
| I'm a happy drunk. | ||
| You've never seen me angry as a drunk. | ||
| I think a lot of that you go into, so if you think I'm an angry drunk. | ||
| Tequila's dangerous. | ||
| Some people I think it gives you a weird reaction. | ||
| I black out. | ||
| I'm not an angry drunk, though. | ||
| And I don't believe in that shit entirely. | ||
| I feel like if you're an angry person and you get drunk, then you become an angry drunk. | ||
| If you have some fucking unresolved issues, then you become an angry drunk. | ||
| I'm not even really saying angry. | ||
| I guess just crazy. | ||
| Like, tequila makes you fucking rob a car. | ||
| You're a silly drunk. | ||
| You become silly when you're drunk. | ||
| Because you're a silly person. | ||
| And for you, your inhibitions loosen up and you become more silly. | ||
| Like that podcast that we did with Bert. | ||
| You were fucking hammered. | ||
| And you were really funny. | ||
| And one of the reasons why you were really funny is because you were giggly and silly. | ||
| Because you went into lose your inhibitions mode. | ||
| Now, if that was tequila, I would have had sex with Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there any booze that makes you guys crazy? | |
| Like let's say I drink a beer and I did blow. | ||
| I would go home and just want to fuck. | ||
| But when you do tequila and do blow, you get all creepy and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like you want to put a cape on and you start looking at a chick thinking about... | ||
| Maybe she could do a somersault and land on my face. | ||
| You know, like, you just get kinky. | ||
| It's got spirits in it. | ||
| Tequila's got spirits in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something. | |
| I get fucking creepy on tequila, bro. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, it's made out of a plant, you know? | ||
| There's an essence of something in there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I get creepy. | ||
| I found it would blow you. | ||
| I'd blow to the thing. | ||
| Tequila gets, it becomes a difference. | ||
| It's such a fine dance, though, of having too much tequila where your dick don't work. | ||
| It's like this is fucking... | ||
| You gotta get just enough so that you're crazy, but you have enough food in you and you've taken your vitamins so your dick still works. | ||
| Because if you're, like, unhealthy and you get drunk off tequila, good luck with your dick. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| You just put yourself in a great position. | ||
| You're ready for wild, crazy times. | ||
| Everyone's game. | ||
| Oh, but look at your dick. | ||
| Oh, so sad. | ||
| Have you ever had that dick from booze, guys? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Just from booze. | ||
| Red bat. | ||
| From booze, you've had dead things. | ||
| You haven't? | ||
| No, but you throw that fucking powder in the old days. | ||
| Your dick not only goes dead, it shrinks into the nutsack. | ||
| That is amazing. | ||
| When you want to fuck, but there ain't nothing there. | ||
| There ain't nothing that's deep, deep, deep in the nutsack and they gotta keep sucking. | ||
| And I got a nice dick, but they gotta hold your dick like this. | ||
| It starts off like this, like they gotta hold it and fucking massage it. | ||
| The bottom of it. | ||
| Yeah, and then it gets bigger and bigger. | ||
| And then you think about doing a line, it goes back in the cocoon. | ||
| It's a fucking nightmare doing that shit. | ||
| You want to eat that, but then you're like, okay, I'll just eat your pussy. | ||
| Like you just fucking, all the thoughts I had in my mind, fuck it, I'll just eat your The most embarrassing ones that I've ever had was when I was drunk and I stuttered to fuck. | ||
| And then as I was fucking, the alcohol really kicked in and then I completely lost my boner. | ||
| So I lost it while I was already having sex. | ||
| So it's like, for the girl, it's like a terrible feeling. | ||
| I remember I just puked once. | ||
| For a dude to have a hard dick, put it inside you, and then you don't even keep him interested enough to keep the heart on. | ||
| And then it was just pathetic. | ||
| I just threw up. | ||
| Like, I was like, you're trying not to act like you were, and then I reached down by her, almost like you were going to whisper, and I turned my head and threw up, and tried to do it like a barf bag, where I kind of kept that contained in my back, and then she was like, did you just throw up on my comforter? | ||
| Yeah, you tried to. | ||
| You ever have a chick throw up, and you don't give a fuck, you're still going to get back. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Look the other way. | ||
| I'm still going to give you a stabbing. | ||
| It starts getting sour and you don't give a fuck. | ||
| And that smell is on there and you're just trying to kiss her and you're like, oh, is that fucking celery? | ||
| And they even say to me, kiss me, I'll kiss you. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Let me shoot this fucking load in that dead snatch and I'm getting my Get the alcoholic ass out of here and kiss you, you dirty fuck. | ||
| Because once you're horned up, you're horned up. | ||
| That's what happens when a fucking date rape. | ||
| Once you're horned up, and then this bitch doesn't drink a zebra. | ||
| Which we don't condone. | ||
| No, we don't condone it, but that's what happens. | ||
| That's the explanation of the date. | ||
| You just got to catch yourself. | ||
| The worst is when some chick pukes in your car, like on your speaker grill. | ||
| And you want to beat her. | ||
| Eat the fuck out of them instead of fuck them. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| Your car smells like puke for like a month. | ||
| I was in my car with a toothpick picking out each little hole in my speaker grill, just pulling out red puke. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Yeah, well listen man, I had a girl puke in my car back in the fucking 80s and they didn't have good cleaners. | ||
| You couldn't clean the car out. | ||
| They didn't have all that good stuff back then. | ||
| You basically went and used that shitty ass vacuum that would always catch on the carpet and go... | ||
| Remember, we would catch on the carpet, and you had to pull that fucking carpet off? | ||
| I'd go to the car wash and try to do the entire car with 25 cents. | ||
| It was like the fastest I've ever moved in my entire life. | ||
| You'd have to go to one of those full-service car washes and get them to shampoo your shit, but you don't want to do that, because those monkeys, while they're shampooing your shit, they get fucking suds in your wiring, and then your fucking car shorts out. | ||
| I didn't want to do that. | ||
| I knew those dudes. | ||
| I worked at a car wash, so when I thought about getting my car washed, I'm like, I'm not I gotta bring it to these fucking guys. | ||
| They let me drive a Porsche, okay? | ||
| I didn't even know how to drive a stick. | ||
| I had zero stick knowledge, and I got in a fucking Porsche. | ||
| That's how the first car I ever drove stick was a Porsche at a car wash. | ||
| I didn't even know what I was doing. | ||
| Oh, you worked there? | ||
| Yeah, he told me. | ||
| I go, how do I drive it? | ||
| He goes, just push the clutch in, put it in gear, and then slowly let your foot off the gas. | ||
| So I come out of this car wash, this 16-year-old snot-faced kid driving a Porsche, you know, and the guy said, why did you drive it if you didn't know how to do it? | ||
| I'm like, why'd they let me drive it? | ||
| I didn't have anything to say to him. | ||
| I was like, I'm sorry. | ||
| They told me to drive it. | ||
| The guy told me I would know how to drive it. | ||
| Stick the thing in gear and it'd be no problem. | ||
| They didn't give a fuck. | ||
| I got busted last week washing my car on Cowenga and Burbank Boulevard. | ||
| Brian, there's a little car wash stand. | ||
| I usually go in there and just hit it. | ||
| But I had to fucking pee, dog. | ||
| I just had to pee. | ||
| So while I was washing the car, nobody was watching. | ||
| You know me, bro. | ||
| I'll pee at a phone booth. | ||
| If I got to really pee, I'll pull over and make believe. | ||
| Now, nobody has phone booths no more. | ||
| But in the old days, I make believe I'm on the phone taking my dick out. | ||
| Even if traffic is driving by, they don't think you're pissing. | ||
| I'm pissing on the fucking thing. | ||
| You just can't do it in the winter because steam comes out. | ||
| They'll bust you in the fucking winter. | ||
| So the other day, I'm washing my car and it's 9.15 in the morning. | ||
| I got to pee bad. | ||
| And I said, fuck, I'm going to take my dick out right here. | ||
| And I took my dick out. | ||
| I'm holding. | ||
| I'm washing the car. | ||
| And I just went into this fucking thought. | ||
| And next thing you know, I look over and the owner of the thing was right there. | ||
| He's like, are you fucking serious? | ||
| I go, dog, I had to fucking pee. | ||
| And it's going into a toilet. | ||
| He goes, do me a favor. | ||
| Put the hose down and get the fuck out of here. | ||
| He drew me the fuck out of here. | ||
| He goes, I'll call the fucking police. | ||
| I don't know what he's going to do. | ||
| I watched a guy. | ||
| I didn't say anything to him. | ||
| A guy who comes to my house. | ||
| And he's actually, it's called a poop butler. | ||
| Because I travel. | ||
| He picks up poop, basically. | ||
| From your dog? | ||
| From my two dogs. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You've got to clarify that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Picks up my poop. | ||
| It's a service. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, it's a service. | ||
| It's the best thing that I could ever do. | ||
| Or I'd have five days of shit to pick up. | ||
| So he was peeing in a big gulp thing. | ||
| And I'm like, is that guy peeing? | ||
| And he's a little creepy because I think he's always staring in to try to see my wife walk around or something. | ||
| Who wouldn't? | ||
| But I look and I see him. | ||
| Now he's got a big gulp thing that he just pissed in front of my house. | ||
| So I'm watching him because he doesn't know I'm waiting for him to move so I can pull in. | ||
| I'm like, where's he going to throw that? | ||
| If he throws that into my bushes, I'm going to be pissed. | ||
| Walks to my neighbor's and just acts like he's, you know, takes the big gulp, throws his piss onto my neighbor's yard and then leaves. | ||
| Did he yelp about it? | ||
| So now I'm like, well, it's such a good service and there's no other competition. | ||
| So if I call and say, hey, tell them not to throw piss on my neighbor's yard, then what happens? | ||
| Then I got to pick up poop. | ||
| So it's a weird sacrifice. | ||
| Well, is this a company where this is the guy that owns the company or is this an employee of this company? | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| The pee thing is just one thing. | ||
| Looking at your wife, you just glossed over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why don't you tell us? | ||
| That says a little bit more. | ||
| What is the reason for that? | ||
| Well, because if you stare and he comes early in the morning, you can get a glimpse at 9am of maybe her popping up. | ||
| Why are you saying that? | ||
| Did he do that? | ||
| She gets that feeling that he is, but we've never actually caught. | ||
| She's like, I think he stares. | ||
| My wife doesn't sound like that when she talks. | ||
| Why does she think he stares? | ||
| No evidence? | ||
| Just a guess? | ||
| She'll think and then she'll see him walk by. | ||
| So she's like, was he just staring? | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| We should maybe just videotape it once to set up a camera. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And see if he hangs out. | ||
| Or if he pisses in my backyard. | ||
| Dude, my whole house has cameras. | ||
| I am alerted whenever somebody enters each one of my rooms on my iPhone. | ||
| I had somebody set it up. | ||
| Because you dated a thousand crazy bitches, bro. | ||
| You gotta fucking keep your shit locked out. | ||
| Black wizards attacking me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Be careful. | ||
| Black wizards? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy robbed him. | ||
| He had a fake beard on, like a wizard. | ||
| And he had a hood on. | ||
| He looked like a black wizard. | ||
| He did. | ||
| He fucking made magic. | ||
| He made your money disappear. | ||
| I'm gonna have my flashback when I'm at JCPenney's and I see a black Santa Claus at the mall or something. | ||
| When was the last time you've ever seen a black Santa Claus at the mall, Brian? | ||
| I've seen black Santa Claus. | ||
| You've never seen black Santa Claus? | ||
| Never. | ||
| You ever seen a black Santa Claus? | ||
| I mean, I've seen one on TV. Oh, no. | ||
| In Ohio, there was Black Santa Claus. | ||
| There was a Northland Mall, which is mostly blacks. | ||
| I think that's why. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's kind of sucked for being a black kid. | ||
| I told you that when we went to Planet of the Apes in an all-black movie theater in Philly, I really started to think about what it must be like to have every fucking movie that they were previewing was all these white people. | ||
| White people, white people, white people. | ||
| White, white, white, white. | ||
| Everything's a white problem. | ||
| White movie. | ||
| White silliness. | ||
| I'm like, wow. | ||
| This is going to be fucking weird as shit, man. | ||
| The only superhero they got was Blade. | ||
| That was a fat motherfucker for a couple years. | ||
| It really was. | ||
| That movie's bad to the bone. | ||
| Every movie would be... | ||
| There's a lot of black comics who dress up like chicks. | ||
| Like, that's the one... | ||
| I don't get why that's so funny. | ||
| Yeah, you know, didn't Dave Chappelle talk about that? | ||
| Yeah, Dave Chappelle had like a, he was on like one of those shows, like Inside the Actor's Studio, where he was like, what is it that when a black man becomes really famous, they want to make him dress as a woman? | ||
| And they showed, then they showed all these pictures of Richard Pryor doing it, and all these different comics doing it, all throughout history, Martin Lawrence doing it, Jamie Foxx doing it, and like, wow, yeah, that is weird. | ||
| Why do all these, what is, what is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why, why is it, like, Wasn't Flip Wilson like the first film? | |
| What the fuck is that about? | ||
| I've never liked it, no matter what culture it is. | ||
| To me, it's gotta be the ultimate black man trying to be as What's the most unaggressive thing you could be? | ||
| Be a woman. | ||
| Dress up like a woman. | ||
| Oh girl, what you talking about? | ||
| That's not a guy trying to get some pussy. | ||
| It's the complete polar opposite of what white people are afraid of in a black guy. | ||
| What white people are afraid of in a black guy is a fucking big A muscular black man with a giant black dick. | ||
| Some big football player, NFL stud athlete that wants to fuck your woman. | ||
| So what is the polar opposite of that? | ||
| Well, it's a black man being all silly in a dress, dressing like a woman. | ||
| Well, he's not even trying to get any pussy. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's got lipstick on and makeup and shit. | ||
| He makes me relax. | ||
| You know, he's like, what'd you say, girl? | ||
| Oh, you get out of here with that. | ||
| That's not a black guy trying to get laid at all. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| I think that's what it is. | ||
| I think that's what it is. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| I think it's white people afraid of black dicks. | ||
| So it forces these black people to try to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't watch porn. | |
| Free of a black planet, bitches! | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I can't watch porn if it's a black dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Why? | ||
| I just can't. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Because he doesn't have a black dick and it's hard to fantasize. | ||
| Somebody said I can't get into the fantasy. | ||
| It's nothing about me being racist. | ||
| I think it's gay if you watch a black guy fuck a white chick if you're a white guy. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because now you can't even pretend that's you. | ||
| See, if you're a white guy, you could pretend that's your dick. | ||
| You could beat off and watch a girl give head and pretend that she's giving you head. | ||
| I can't pretend shit, man. | ||
| I know I'm looking at a laptop. | ||
| What I like to see, though, is a fucking black chick really pounding a little white chick. | ||
| I think that's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You like that? | |
| Because you know it's not fake. | ||
| Because secretly, that's what you want. | ||
| No, no, because you know it's not fake. | ||
| You want that power. | ||
| You want that dominance. | ||
| You want him to fuck you. | ||
| No, you just want to see real fucking, hard fucking. | ||
| You don't want to see him making love. | ||
| Okay, Brian. | ||
| I was just trying to make a joke, dude. | ||
| I don't really believe that there's something gay about watching black dicks. | ||
| I was trying to go on a little comedy rant there, fella. | ||
| But if you want to go on with your little freak shit and talk about how you want, like, watching a girl get fucked in a way that you're not capable of, and that's what really turns you on. | ||
| You go for it, buddy. | ||
| You like blowjob videos. | ||
| I do like blowjob videos. | ||
| What the fuck is that about? | ||
| I like getting ahead. | ||
| I like getting my dick sucked. | ||
| You like the whole thing of looking good. | ||
| Some girls are good at sucking dicks, and it's awesome. | ||
| I like to see a woman snatch for a little while, but I really like the art of seeing a chick suck a dick. | ||
| I'm going to be honest with you guys. | ||
| Brian, why is that shocking to you? | ||
| Because that's 50% cock. | ||
| Let me explain something to you. | ||
| Yeah, you print a ten, it's your dick. | ||
| That's why you don't want to watch black ones. | ||
| I was in county jail. | ||
| And I've never looked at a black cock, nor do I want to see one. | ||
| When I popped on that King Kardashian tape, and I seen little RJ's fucking dick, and it didn't stop, I turned that motherfucker off. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| And I remember telling my buddy, I'm not fucking, he was like, you're prejudiced. | ||
| I ain't prejudiced at black dick. | ||
| I'm just prejudiced at dick. | ||
| That black one was like fucking Jaws. | ||
| It didn't stop. | ||
| It didn't fucking stop. | ||
| It even had the Jaws music. | ||
| Dun, dun, dun. | ||
| That was the worst thing I ever seen in my life. | ||
| I looked at that tape to see how hot she was, and I hit it off from the fear. | ||
| Like, I had fucking fear in my... | ||
|
unidentified
|
His dick is that big? | |
| It was his dick, her ass, her snatch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was awesome. | |
| She got fucked hard. | ||
| She got fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was awesome. | |
| I only watch it, but when she goes, I want to come again, and she's sweating, I'm like, this is a fucking pig. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This chick is a fucking animal. | ||
| Isn't it amazing how far she's come with that? | ||
| We don't give a fuck. | ||
| Because she got fucked really hard. | ||
| People loved it. | ||
| You got fucked on the way. | ||
| It has to be accidental. | ||
| You can't put it out yourself. | ||
| You can't make a video and go, here's me fucking. | ||
| Because no porn star has ever reached the status of Kim Kardashian. | ||
| What she's done is accidentally have it and put it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's why she's got it. | |
| But that's how she got that. | ||
| She got in her back door. | ||
| She did something amazing, guys. | ||
| What? | ||
| She did something amazing. | ||
| See, when we pay for porn, we pay to see a black guy fuck a white chick or a white chick fuck a black guy. | ||
| She fucked that motherfucker out of clear love or whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| They did that on purpose. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| But she fucked his brains out. | ||
| It wasn't like porn. | ||
| That's why it shocked me. | ||
| Well, they were really fucking, right? | ||
| They were boyfriend and girlfriend. | ||
| It was like, you know, when you do porn, you show up at one or whatever. | ||
| This gave us something different. | ||
| And dog, whatever they gave us, I tell Joe, you know, we wake up in the morning, we're like, where are we doing the set tonight? | ||
| That bitch wakes up and says... | ||
| How am I going to be the number one trending topic on Yahoo and Google? | ||
| And if you look at Google and Yahoo, she's number one three days a fucking week. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck she does, but she's a genius. | ||
| She's a genius attention whore. | ||
| Yeah, what she is is the Michael Jordan of attention whores. | ||
| And now she's dating a super tall guy with probably the biggest dick ever. | ||
| Oh, and he's worthless. | ||
| And that sex tape's gonna come out. | ||
| She's gonna eat that fucking monster alive. | ||
| They just told her the other day that she was married before. | ||
| He's like, really? | ||
| That fucking Momo thinks he's the first one that fucked her. | ||
| You don't know that she's been swallowing dick up in fucking calabazas when she was 15. Well, he's probably just excited to be with someone famous. | ||
| You know, that brings him into the public eye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a little boss. | |
| He's a little boss. | ||
| Now, what does he do? | ||
| He plays basketball or football? | ||
| He looks like he plays basketball. | ||
| He's fucking huge and his dick must just curl up in her butt like a snail or something. | ||
| You know, they let that Max Hardcore guy out of jail. | ||
| Speaking of levels of shit, if you don't know who he is, he's a guy who got arrested in Florida because Florida has some crazy laws where if you ship things to their country, they have very strict ideas of what's offensive and what's the word? | ||
| Obscenity. | ||
| And this is what the guy was arrested for. | ||
| Because the porn was obscene. | ||
| He's got some hardcore shit where he pisses in girls' assholes, holds their asshole open, sticks a straw in it, and makes them drink the piss out of their asshole. | ||
| Classic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he goes deep. | ||
| That's like your boy, that fucking guinea pig. | ||
| Mimi Montanucci. | ||
| Who? | ||
| What's that crazy porn guy that my buddy sent me a link of? | ||
| I thought it was a joke. | ||
| Who's the Italian guy that fucks bitches? | ||
| Oh, Rocco Sofretti. | ||
| That's my motherfucker. | ||
| Everybody talks about Capone and Gotti. | ||
| Fuck that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rocco Semenuti puts his cock in your ass. | |
| He fucking fucks him in the ass and makes him fucking suck his dick while they're eating a slice of pizza. | ||
| That's a gangster right there. | ||
| He's one of the first, too. | ||
| He's one of the first ass-to-mouth guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| They're fucking like from the 70s. | ||
| He's got sideburns in one video I've seen. | ||
| That said, there's something gay about being into a male porn star. | ||
| Like, what do you got? | ||
| What's the recent Rocco Sofretti? | ||
| I like the way that guy fucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's something real weird about being a fan of a dude. | |
| I've given myself an actual break. | ||
| I've deporned, trying to deporn my life a little bit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You're trying to cut it back? | ||
| Only because, as a comic, you go back and you watch it. | ||
| My brain now, I watch 30 seconds, and then at that damn search, I go, I wonder if there's Asian girls with black socks who work at Starbucks. | ||
| Click, click, bam! | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| Oh, I wonder if they... | ||
| And then you just find yourself... | ||
| How many did I watch? | ||
| I watch at maybe 10, 15 second increments, and then my brain moves on to the next thing, so I'm done. | ||
| You're a porn ADD. I'm done for a little bit. | ||
| For a little bit. | ||
| And people write comments about porn. | ||
| Have you ever been spanked or any of that? | ||
| People write comments about porn? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| On the porn site now, it'll have comments about the porn. | ||
| And I just get pissed at the people going... | ||
| Oh, I would fuck her way better than this guy. | ||
| Her face is a bit... | ||
| Just be happier watching porn. | ||
| Like, people are so desensitized now. | ||
| That actually makes you upset? | ||
| Yeah, I get mad at the kids. | ||
| I'm not a big porn guy like you guys. | ||
| I'm not a big porn at all. | ||
| The only side I've been on is the one my buddy linked me to for the Kim Kardashian, because I looked on my own and couldn't find it. | ||
| They kept on their credit card, and I would tell Brian, and Brian's like, I got freedom. | ||
| I don't know nothing about the computer. | ||
| And I've been on YouPorn. | ||
| And I YouPorn, you know, I've told it a thousand times, the chicks are filthy. | ||
| But I hate YouPorn. | ||
| You know, they have dirty feet and they suck dick and all that dumb shit. | ||
| But I tell you what the fuck pisses me off by YouPorn, that they lie to you. | ||
| They're like hot Asian chicks and it's a fucking Mexican. | ||
| Don't get your nationality straight. | ||
| That fucking pisses me off. | ||
| Don't fuck around with YouPorn. | ||
| I'm in the mood to see a nice little chinky woo show that little fucking hairy monkey. | ||
| And they show a Mexican from fucking El Centro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah! | |
| I know my nationalities, bitch! | ||
| No, the Thai ones are brown. | ||
| They got those brown little nipples. | ||
| Indian, maybe Indian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah, you can see their fucking pussies are fucking real dark. | |
| Like, those Asians. | ||
| Meaty, right? | ||
| They have like the edge of roast beef. | ||
| Like, it's really dark. | ||
| They could be yellow. | ||
| Like, their skin is like a beige. | ||
| But their fucking noodles and their nipples are fucking brown. | ||
| That doesn't bother you. | ||
| A dark pussy doesn't bother you, does it? | ||
| No, I like that Asian pussy. | ||
| You scratch, it's got that little light soy sauce smell. | ||
| The soy that comes in the green container, not the red one, less sodium, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| There was a chick at her. | ||
| The thing I did a couple weeks ago was, shoot, guys, this Asian was so fucking hot. | ||
| But she had that soy sauce thing going. | ||
| She was real. | ||
| She was Chinese from San Francisco. | ||
| This bitch was banging. | ||
| And I could tell she was a dirty freak. | ||
| I just couldn't. | ||
| How could you tell? | ||
| I could just tell. | ||
| Just smell it. | ||
| Look at her eye contact. | ||
| You could just tell. | ||
| Yeah, you could just tell she was flirty. | ||
| You could just tell she sat one time and I could see her thong. | ||
| Once I see that thong, that's it. | ||
| I could tell they're filthy animals. | ||
| That's just a... | ||
| You could close them, but I got nothing to offer. | ||
| I got nothing. | ||
| She's 20 fucking 2. What am I going to give her? | ||
| Drama. | ||
| I can't deal with that shit. | ||
| You need big dick in big pockets. | ||
| She said, take my hand. | ||
| Take my hand. | ||
| You missed the earlier part of the show. | ||
| John Heffron stealing bitches out there, out in the wild. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| So did you hear about the UFC? They just made Alistair Overeem versus Brock Lesnar December 30th at the MGM in Vegas. | ||
| And Brock was not going to show up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| A five-round fight. | ||
| He's not going to show up? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You better not be talking shit about Brock. | ||
| He ain't showing up, guys. | ||
| Why do you say he's not showing up? | ||
| It's diverculosis. | ||
| It's making a comeback. | ||
| Diverticulitis. | ||
| He had surgery. | ||
| Apparently they think that he's cured 100%. | ||
| They fixed it because the area that he kept having a reoccurring diverticulitis area, they just cut that area out and they think he's 100%. | ||
| But they left the central nervous system in and it's still fucking reflecting the shots Kane gave him to the fucking head. | ||
| It still spreads those testicles out all over his body and that gives him the diverticulitis all over again. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Diverticulitis. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| The guy's got balls. | ||
| Think about what he's done just to go from pro wrestling with no striking experience whatsoever, enter into mixed martial arts, right into the thick of the game. | ||
| First fucking fight in the UFC, he takes on Frank Mir, who's a former UFC heavyweight champion, gets knee-barred. | ||
| You know, second fight, I believe he took on Randy Couture, right? | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| No, Heath Herring. | ||
| Then he took on Randy Couture. | ||
| I mean, dude, Brock Lesnar's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| How can I? He might not be able to beat Cain Velasquez, but Brock Lesnar's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| No, he beat Heath Heich, whatever his name is. | ||
| Heath Herring. | ||
| Out of the business. | ||
| Well, that's not necessarily true. | ||
| No, but it's true. | ||
| Heath Herring had a lot of fights, man. | ||
| Yeah, but he never fought again. | ||
| Yeah, but he was at a crossroads in his own life. | ||
| Oh, no, I know. | ||
| I'm not saying nothing bad. | ||
| I'm just saying it. | ||
| We went to that fight. | ||
| We were right there when he punched him and he did the fucking somersault. | ||
| Yeah, but I just think it's a little disrespectful. | ||
| People say that before, that it retired Heath Herring. | ||
| Heath Herring retired Heath Herring. | ||
| No, we retired. | ||
| I talked to Heath Herring recently. | ||
| He's in fine shape. | ||
| Where is he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I saw him in Vegas. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with him. | ||
| Like, you look in his eyes, he's 100% there. | ||
| He looks good. | ||
| He looks healthy. | ||
| You know, he's had some tough fights. | ||
| You know, he fought Cro Cop, and he fought Fedor, and he fought Noguera. | ||
| He's been around for a while. | ||
| Did he fight Fedor? | ||
| Did I just make that up? | ||
| No, I believe he fought Fedor. | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I should have said that. | ||
| He just never fought again. | ||
| He started doing movies. | ||
| He did a bunch of other stuff. | ||
| It's hard, man. | ||
| For guys who aren't a name, it's fucking hard. | ||
| It's hard to make real money. | ||
| Because you've got to be putting asses in the seats. | ||
| So it's, you know, you gotta beat someone big. | ||
| And when it came to beating the big guys, he came real close with Noguera in his UFC fight. | ||
| He fucking head kicked him and dropped him. | ||
| Noguera looked done, and Heath Haring didn't finish him off. | ||
| He had a chance, but he didn't finish him off. | ||
| There's a reason for that, though. | ||
| Noguera's tough as fuck. | ||
| No, but he was hurt, Heath Haring, on that Oh, was he? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The first fight in the UFC was against Jake O'Brien when he was hurt. | ||
| He had a knee problem. | ||
| He had a knee problem. | ||
| He knocked him down and he didn't attack. | ||
| Jake O'Brien out-wrestled him and he just had a really fucked up knee. | ||
| And he came up to me and talked to me about it afterwards because he was like, you know, hey, I listen to your commentary. | ||
| You're always very supportive, but what the fuck? | ||
| I was like, dude, you got to watch the fight. | ||
| I mean, he just took you down at will. | ||
| And he's like, my knee was torn. | ||
| I had to take the fight. | ||
| I needed the money. | ||
| Yeah, and he just decided to just fucking be a tough guy and fight anyway. | ||
| And he thought he could win. | ||
| He's like, I can catch this guy. | ||
| And he just couldn't. | ||
| Couldn't get it going, man. | ||
| Having a knee tear and then trying to fight a guy like Jake O'Brien, a fucking professional mixed martial arts fighter in the UFC. Shit. | ||
| Jake O'Brien! | ||
| I mean, our boy, your boy Matt Hughes against Josh Kaczek. | ||
| Is it signed? | ||
| It's on Wikipedia. | ||
| I don't know if it's signed yet. | ||
| It's on Wikipedia. | ||
| Well, I know that. | ||
| I'll find out. | ||
| I think they're waiting for Hughes. | ||
| Look, we're telling him. | ||
| But I think I saw a link that said they're waiting for everyone to go. | ||
| It's just like cool with everybody. | ||
| Well, that's a fucking creepy fight for Hughes because he's a totally different guy to train for. | ||
| Diego Sanchez is not nearly as dangerous on the feet as Koscheck is, at least theoretically. | ||
| Because Diego Sanchez will swarm a motherfucker. | ||
| He can be very dangerous on his feet. | ||
| But the idea was that Diego would not be able to out-wrestle Matt. | ||
| Matt's a big welterweight. | ||
| Diego's a fairly small welterweight. | ||
| And all of a sudden, Koschek steps in, who's a really fucking good wrestler, and is a big welterweight, and has been thinking about fighting at 185, and was actually campaigning to try to fight in the San Jose UFC in November. | ||
| So here you've got a guy who can fight at 185. Big. | ||
| You know, Diego can't fight at 185. I mean, he did. | ||
| He did on the Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| But I mean, competitively in the UFC, his physical frame, in my opinion, is too small. | ||
| He could do it, and he could beat a lot of guys just by hustling him and outworking him. | ||
| But his best weight is probably like 165. But Josh Koscheck can carry 185. He's a strong character. | ||
| He's got a good frame. | ||
| He's a tough dude. | ||
| He's a serious fucking wrestler. | ||
| And he's dangerous on his feet, man. | ||
| He's got big power in that right hand. | ||
| So it's a totally different fight from Matt Hughes. | ||
| On three weeks' notice. | ||
| What do you think the shelf life is getting smaller from a fighter? | ||
| Like where you have five, let's say from the time you start sprinting, i.e. | ||
| you get a big fight and then you're taking them along. | ||
| You think it's like getting smaller or will it eventually last longer? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| The shelf life of... | ||
| Do you mean how many fights you can have? | ||
| Yeah, before... | ||
| Before you start to deteriorate? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Depends on your style, you know? | ||
| Some guys... | ||
| Some guys last one, the other guys go with that really good three-year run, and then physically something happens. | ||
| A guy like Machida, here's a perfect example. | ||
| A guy like Machida takes very little damage. | ||
| So a guy like Machida, he'll run for longer than a guy like Vanderlei, who's got this wild attacking style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, and... | ||
| Maybe Vanderlei is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Vanderlei has been stopped a few times now, but it's because of Vanderlei's style. | ||
| If Vanderlei played it safe, you saw in the Michael Bisping fight, he's still there. | ||
| Maybe his chin isn't as good as it was back in the day, but the truth is that back in the day, he got dropped a bunch of times too. | ||
| He would come in wild and reckless. | ||
| Dan Henderson dropped him. | ||
| A lot of people dropped him. | ||
| Before Dan Henderson knocked him out in their second fight, Dan Henderson dropped him and had him fucked up in their first fight. | ||
| He closed his eye. | ||
| His eye was like one big giant fucking baboon vagina. | ||
| It was bad, man. | ||
| So Vanderlei has always been in there with guys that put him in danger or dropped him or hurt him. | ||
| Mark Hunt dropped him. | ||
| But when he got in there against real good strikers, that's when he had real problems. | ||
| That's why Krokop fucked him up. | ||
| If you go back to watch that fight in Pride, man, he beat Krokop in their first fight, or maybe it was a draw, I think, because they had weird rules, like you could only go to the ground for like 30 seconds. | ||
| But Vandele took a lot of hard fucking kicks to the body. | ||
| That was when Krokop was in his prime. | ||
| Krokop didn't have a sprawl yet, though. | ||
| He wasn't confident enough with his takedown defense to have a full MMA fight. | ||
| But by the time they fought the second time, man, that was Cro-Cop in his prime. | ||
| That was the heavyweight Grand Prix. | ||
| And he fucking head-kicked Vanderlei into another universe, man. | ||
| That was when Cro-Cop was the best. | ||
| So Vanderlei, with that wild style, has always had a problem with guys like that. | ||
| You know, bro, I mean... | ||
| But he's awesome, though. | ||
| We're talking about fighters here, and you're as much of a fan of his even more than I am. | ||
| Vanderlei? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, fighting period. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm a huge Randalay fan. | ||
| And I'm talking about the longevity now is what you make it. | ||
| Look at the guy that Joe Rogan turned me on to that I met. | ||
| I had the honor of meeting him and talking to him. | ||
| And he just fought a fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bernard Hopkins fought the best fight of his fucking life. | |
| And he fought it, and it was custom to him. | ||
| I'm 46, bro. | ||
| I'm not going to get in there and bang with nobody. | ||
| I'm going to throw two punches and get the fuck out of there. | ||
| You know... | ||
| Well, actually, this fight was very different than the first fight. | ||
| This fight, he actually got in and mixed it up with this guy. | ||
| He took the kid out of his game. | ||
| These guys, you know, whatever they do, it's what they take care of. | ||
| How smart they are. | ||
| GSP is fucking genius. | ||
| He takes care of himself at all levels. | ||
| Well, you know what he is? | ||
| He's honest. | ||
| He's honest. | ||
| He's honest about what's at risk. | ||
| There's a lot of guys who aren't honest about what's at risk. | ||
| You know, that's one of the things why he says he won't fight a friend. | ||
| You know, he talked about it. | ||
| I could do this if I'm on top of them and I see an elbow, I cannot deliver it and give cerebral damage. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But he's right, man. | ||
| He knows what the fuck he's doing because he's had it done to him, man. | ||
| When Matt Serra mounted him and was dropping bombs on him, and Matt Serra can fucking punch. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| That little guinea's got bricks in his gloves. | ||
| He's got bricks in his gloves. | ||
| I've never seen anybody that Matt Serra didn't punch clean that didn't get put on Queer Street. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He hit fucking. | |
| It's fucking hard. | ||
| So when he clipped George in that fight, you could tell George was like, oh shit. | ||
| He can tell his functioning drop. | ||
| He knows what it's like to get really clipped. | ||
| And he doesn't want that happening. | ||
| He's a very fucking smart dude. | ||
| He's completely honest and aware about the entire game. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why he's so good. | ||
| He'll tell you exactly how he feels. | ||
| I am nervous. | ||
| This is a very important fight for me. | ||
| This is a fucking champ. | ||
| One of the best pound for pound fighters in the world. | ||
| And he's nervous and he's talking about being nervous. | ||
| Then he gets in there and just fucking shines. | ||
| Gets in there and just lights you up. | ||
| Me and you both know and you and you that, bro, the day you stop getting nervous before you go on stage is the day you just go home. | ||
| I love getting fired up now. | ||
| The worst thing you do with George St. Pierre, man, is talk some shit to him. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| That BJ Penn fight, when BJ was talking all that shit, man, you could see the determination grow in George's eyes. | ||
| And George is a disciplined motherfucker. | ||
| And one of the things about guys that are truly, truly disciplined and really in amazing condition, like Nick Diaz as well, is that these guys know that they can push a pace that most people will drown under. | ||
| So they'll fucking force it because they know you might be talented, but maybe you didn't get up early enough. | ||
| Maybe you didn't sleep enough. | ||
| Maybe you didn't eat the right foods. | ||
| Maybe you didn't take the right vitamins. | ||
| Maybe you didn't fucking put in 100% and stack your training correctly and have a professional A physical trainer working with you, monitoring your heart. | ||
| Well, George does. | ||
| He knows he can run you out into the middle of the fucking ocean, bitch. | ||
| And that's what he did with BJ, man. | ||
| He just put him in a position where he forced him to work real hard from the beginning, tired his muscles out, and started taking him down and beating the fuck out of him. | ||
| And the way he did it was genius, man. | ||
| And the way he did it was fueled by that determination that was brought on by that shit-talking. | ||
| Hey dog, he did it to fucking Kaczek. | ||
| Kaczek had to wear a monocle for a fucking year. | ||
| And he might still walk in that ring with a fucking monocle. | ||
| He punched the fuck out of that eye. | ||
| He punched the fuck out of that eye. | ||
| Not 10 times, 30 times. | ||
| So even if I fucked it up, I'm going to keep punching it because I'm going to fuck it up again. | ||
| Every time you look in the mirror and blink, motherfucker, you're going to think of GSP. Quite as simple. | ||
| I went to this thing, the Professional Muay Thai League, MLP, or MPL. It was in Long Beach last weekend. | ||
| And I got to see really high-level kickboxing, like, live in person. | ||
| That's fucking rare, man. | ||
| It's rare that you get a card like this. | ||
| Buakau. | ||
| Buakau, the Thai guy, with 198... | ||
| He's not even 30! | ||
| 198 victories! | ||
| Does he fight every other week? | ||
| In Thailand, man, they fight them young. | ||
| They fight them when they're little teenagers, 13, 14, 15. I think he's got less than 20 losses and 198 fucking victories. | ||
| And he lit this dude up. | ||
| Apparently this dude was from Canada, I believe. | ||
| And he was talking all kinds of shit and pushed him at the weigh-ins. | ||
| And the Thais were very respectful. | ||
| Like, they don't do that kind of shit. | ||
| Like, they have this dance they do called the Y Crew in the middle of the ring. | ||
| And they did all this, too. | ||
| They played the music, and these guys did their dance, and they went through their thing. | ||
| But when fucking Buakau did it, he was doing his dance to the guy. | ||
| Like, got, like, right in the guy's face because I pushed him at the weigh-ins. | ||
| It was badass, man. | ||
| It was like a movie fight. | ||
| Like, he got in the guy's face and was doing, like, pulling arrows and stomping on the ground and doing his little dance. | ||
| And the dude didn't know whether he should give ground, so the dude was, like, backed up in the corner while Buakau was standing in front of him doing this little dance. | ||
| And then the fight started. | ||
| And dude came out strong. | ||
| He came out trying to blast. | ||
| But Buakau, 198 fights. | ||
| He's so calm in there. | ||
| And he just started chopping with those kicks. | ||
| Whack! | ||
| You feel the fucking leg kick over, and we were in the front row, and you could just feel the... | ||
| Think of that fucking shit. | ||
| And you could slowly see his legs starting to give out. | ||
| And then he was going high with them and just beating his ass. | ||
| Flying knee'd him. | ||
| Front kicked him. | ||
| Finally, he front kicked him and knocked him down. | ||
| The referee said, that's enough. | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| The referee saved him. | ||
| Because let me tell you something. | ||
| He at Buka was just starting to break the guy down. | ||
| They were in like the fourth round. | ||
| And the guy was just starting to stumble and fall apart. | ||
| And he kept hitting those fucking legs. | ||
| Whack! | ||
| Whack! | ||
| It was crazy to watch live, man. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| And you see that level of stand-up, and it's like the difference between Kosciuk and Georges St-Pierre in that fight. | ||
| Kosciuk is a very good athlete. | ||
| He's got power in his punches. | ||
| If he hits you, you're really fucked. | ||
| But at least in competition, he has never shown to be a really technical striker. | ||
| You know, he's been caught by Paulo Tiago. | ||
| He's a very tough guy. | ||
| Don't get me wrong, but he's not like a guy like Buakau. | ||
| There's a certain level of striking where a guy gets to where they're always safe and they're just lighting you up. | ||
| They find your timing. | ||
| It's like what Anderson did to Yushin Okami. | ||
| He finds your timing and then he's safe, man. | ||
| You're in a fist fight and he's not. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| How about you're just a fucking target and he's standing right in front of you. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| Bang! | ||
| Just firing off on you. | ||
| And when you see that happen, man, when you see a guy figure out another guy's timing like that, man, that's wild shit to see. | ||
| And there's guys that can do that to George. | ||
| There's guys, strikers, that could do that to George in a straight kickboxing match. | ||
| But just can they do it when they're fighting off that takedown? | ||
| No, they can't. | ||
| They get scared of that takedown, and then they can't pull the trigger. | ||
| And that's what happens. | ||
| Because George hits you with that power double that comes straight from fucking Mars. | ||
| He pushes off that ground and covers distance in a way you can't believe this guy can move that fast. | ||
| For a white dude? | ||
| How is this dude moving so fucking fast? | ||
| He'd be a good DB, wouldn't he? | ||
| How fucking good of a DB would GSP be? | ||
| Just let him move back there. | ||
| Just let him move. | ||
| Just, bro, just stay back there. | ||
| Do your little gymnastics in your mind. | ||
| As soon as that ball gets released, I want you to run it and tackle that motherfucker like you take. | ||
| A guy like JSP, you could probably have him do that and he'd be awesome at it. | ||
| Leave him back there. | ||
| No coverage, no coverage. | ||
| Just leave him back there, bro. | ||
| For now, for today. | ||
| We'll get up to cover people next year and watch what he fucking does then with his footwork. | ||
| You ever see him jump those hurdles? | ||
| I was watching him on Google this morning doing gymnastics. | ||
| I'm tempted to go to the place on Vermont and join up for the month and walk on my hands and knees like a Momo. | ||
| That's how good that gymnastics shit is for you. | ||
| And he's taking it. | ||
| He's so smart, dude. | ||
| George is so open-minded. | ||
| He'll try ballet. | ||
| If someone tells him ballet will make him a better fighter, I'm here to do ballet. | ||
| He'll fucking step in there. | ||
| I'm not impressed with your ballet. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck, man. | ||
| He will fucking do it, man. | ||
| He's got an open mind. | ||
| He actually asked me to teach him some shit. | ||
| To go to the commentator of the UFC and say, you know, show me how to do it. | ||
| Most people would just go, what? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You're the talker guy. | ||
| You do the talking. | ||
| But when I taught him how to throw the spinning back kick correctly when we were training, dude's completely open-minded. | ||
| Has no ego. | ||
| Just wants to learn. | ||
| Just on our level, when you talk to other comics, you always have a new guy go, do you have any advice? | ||
| And you start to tell him, you go, oh yeah, no, no, I don't do that. | ||
| And you go, really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You got it all figured out. | ||
| I'll listen to anybody, man. | ||
| Louis C.K. came up to me once after one of my sets and gave me all these notes that he wrote down while I was on set. | ||
| I'm like, this is the fucking coolest thing ever. | ||
| I had a King Kong bid. | ||
| He was like, what if King Kong had a wife, a cunty wife? | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| Give me ideas. | ||
| I was just thinking this while you were up there. | ||
| Like, fuck yeah, man. | ||
| Give me advice. | ||
| You accept tags. | ||
| I've seen you all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| People come up to you and say, hey, John, I love that bit. | ||
| Have you ever thought about this? | ||
| And you're like, oh, yeah. | ||
| It's funny how many guys don't, though. | ||
| I mean, I'll even take... | ||
| I had some guy once and go, you talk too fast during this particular thing. | ||
| Just slow down. | ||
| And people in the very next show, slowed down, got laughs. | ||
| You're like, oh, shit, I didn't even see it from that point of view. | ||
| Dude, laughs, taglines are a gift. | ||
| You know, when a friend gives you a tagline, like here's a tagline that Kevin James wrote for me. | ||
| You know why I was doing that Anna Nicole Smith bit? | ||
| We're like, it's time. | ||
| Kevin James wrote, for a rim job. | ||
| Kevin James wrote that. | ||
| Because I was already like, lick that ass. | ||
| You don't get that. | ||
| I always had this bit about him dying. | ||
| About Anna Nicole Smith's husband forcing her. | ||
| And Kevin and I were just riffing on it. | ||
| And Kevin came up with, it's time for a rim job. | ||
| And that became one of the big punchlines in there. | ||
| And I would say it. | ||
| And it was cool because I would say it on stage. | ||
| I would think of him. | ||
| Like, oh, my friend hooked me up with a good, solid laugh in here. | ||
| Because a lot of times you do this, not the same bit, but you're just so close to it that you don't see it from that little... | ||
| It's a little bit of an angle or something. | ||
| If we were both going to write a joke about anything, if we were both going to write a joke about coffee, you would come from one place and I would come from another. | ||
| Even though we're both comics and we both would see some obvious points. | ||
| There was a joke that I did that I found out that Ellen DeGeneres had done a joke just like it years before. | ||
| And I had never seen Ellen do it, but the premise is really obvious. | ||
| And the premise is about penguins being monogamous. | ||
| And the premise is, well, they both look the same. | ||
| They all look the same. | ||
| What's the big deal about them being monogamous? | ||
| That's something that anybody would see if you were looking for the point. | ||
| You're looking for comedy in an obvious sort of a situation, like penguins being monogamous. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You would probably come up with the exact same thing. | ||
| If I said, write a bit about penguins being monogamous, you would probably be like, well, what's the big deal? | ||
| They look exactly the same. | ||
| You would instantly go to it. | ||
| 90% of comedians would instantly go to that. | ||
| But it's like, your take from there on, once you get that, then it's going to be like, some people go like, Duncan would get real weird with it. | ||
| He would find some fucking weird spiritual angle. | ||
| Well, they say in the Bhagavad Gita, and he would come out and you would have a different angle. | ||
| You would have a different angle. | ||
| When somebody gives you a tag, it feels like somebody sometimes just gave you a $500 bill. | ||
| Sometimes you have the same, like, thank you! | ||
| You couldn't have wrapped a gift or bought something on Amazon that would do the same feeling. | ||
| I had a friend, Brian Frazier, who at the time, he needed some money and I was making a lot of money and he had a heckler line. | ||
| And I'm like, dude, that's the greatest fucking heckler line ever. | ||
| He goes, I'll sell it to you! | ||
| So he sold it to me for 500 bucks. | ||
| This is the heckler line, because I never used it. | ||
| Because it felt weird. | ||
| But this is the heckler line that he said. | ||
| He's like, this is what happened when God made you. | ||
| Oh, and just a dash of cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no! | |
| The cop fell off! | ||
| The top fell off the cunt! | ||
| Too much cunt! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit! | |
| It's a great line. | ||
| This past week, I was trying to think of situations back in the day when guys were preparing for battle, but their wives were still in their brain. | ||
| Because I was trying to go, ladies, every once in a while, your guy gets a look on his face. | ||
| Just leave him alone. | ||
| And I act like I was a guy sharpening my sword and did the hand thing like the wife was right in there. | ||
| I had a comic go, you should have her bitch about, really? | ||
| You're going to leave your shield right on the table? | ||
| It's like, bah, that's so funny! | ||
| And then the very next show did it. | ||
| But it adds a whole different spin to your act when you get that little fun... | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Oh, thanks for the layup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was awesome. | |
| Yeah, yeah, thanks for the insist. | ||
| And then sometimes that turns it into a bigger bit that turns it into something you weren't even thinking about. | ||
| But it's really funny how... | ||
| Some comics will take a tag. | ||
| I'll take a tag from somebody I definitely trust. | ||
| Somebody gave me a tag once and it was fucking stolen and I ended up spinning in the guy's fucking face. | ||
| I like when a comic comes up and gives me a different angle. | ||
| Years ago I remember watching Chris Rock, the one special, and it was pretty funny. | ||
| And then he had the second one and I remember seeing him at the store on a Monday and he had Jenny and DiPaolo with him. | ||
| I didn't know what the fuck they were doing. | ||
| They were just talking. | ||
| And the next night I was at the improv, and there he is with Louis C.K. and DiPaolo. | ||
| And what he was doing was, you know, he would get his advance from HBO and give everybody a taste, and go during the week, I want Jenny, DiPaolo, and you. | ||
| You guys each come up with 15. I'll do 15. We gotta party. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I'm getting 200 grand. | ||
| I give everybody 50. I keep 50 for an advance. | ||
| I got a fucking party and I get the best of what they had. | ||
| And different perspectives and different styles of doing the punchline. | ||
| And you could see the difference in the specials. | ||
| You could see the difference in the specials. | ||
| There's early specials and the ones later on. | ||
| You could see the Apollo. | ||
| You could see the precision of Richard Jennings. | ||
| You could see the wackiness of Louis C.K. Let me tell you something. | ||
| Not a lot of fucking comics could do that because of their ego. | ||
| A lot of comics couldn't do that. | ||
| A lot of comics couldn't see that. | ||
| Well, there's also comics that want their stand-up, though, to be from their own mind entirely. | ||
| Like Louis. | ||
| Like Louis C.K. No, no. | ||
| I could see doing that way, man. | ||
| Look, if you have to do an hour, there's nothing wrong with hiring a bunch of people for writers and coming up with some good material. | ||
| I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| As long as it fits your sensibilities. | ||
| Like-minded, yeah. | ||
| I never think about Chris Rock and go, oh, Chris Rock's not really that good because he had guys writing for him. | ||
| Which is ridiculous because he's one of the greatest of all time. | ||
| Unquestionably. | ||
| Unquestionably one of the greatest of all time. | ||
| And the stronger voice you have, the more you can have other people write. | ||
| I mean, look at any of the blue-collar guys. | ||
| There's teams of guys that kind of fill those mouths. | ||
| My point is that you can take credit for your own work, but to think that somehow or another your work is better because you've come up with it completely on your own as opposed to someone who hired a bunch of writers, it's kind of silly, right? | ||
| I mean, he's just trying to get a different point of view and perspective, but ultimately it's coming out of his mouth. | ||
| It's going to be his voice, and he assigned those writers to help him with this. | ||
| You know, it's just different. | ||
| Especially if you're the type of actor who's got to create and crank out a just... | ||
| You don't have to... | ||
| You can't do an 80% fun job. | ||
| It has to be out of the park every time. | ||
| And if you're doing that once a year... | ||
| Here's where it would suck, though. | ||
| Where it would suck is if everybody got an equal say in what you said on stage. | ||
| See, if you were a team... | ||
| Say if you were a band and it was the three of us and we had to construct a set. | ||
| And then maybe Joe Diaz wants to put some shit in the beginning. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| This has got to be the end. | ||
| You're going to put my shit here. | ||
| And then you're like, why would I put it? | ||
| Look, bro, I don't have confidence in that. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| And then you would argue over how the material gets delivered. | ||
| As long as Joe Diaz was in charge, if you went out and hired a bunch of stuff, they brought you things, and you're like, okay, this is good. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| I feel comfortable. | ||
| I would say this, and I'll put my own flavor into this, my own spin on that. | ||
| It comes from a singular voice. | ||
| Sure, sure, sure. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You guys are just enlightening me. | ||
| I've been around you for 10 years. | ||
| You might... | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Your best friends that you did open mic with, some of them are writers now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some of them are actors. | |
| Chris McGuire. | ||
| Some of them fucking came up to you a couple times and said something, and you're like... | ||
| This motherfucker knows me. | ||
| So you know what, man? | ||
| Sometimes it's better just to settle down and you might not use it, but he might open up a door for you where your voice fits. | ||
| And that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Sometimes you have to learn how to, you know... | ||
| Collaboration is a very important thing. | ||
| It's a very interesting thing. | ||
| These podcasts are essentially 100% collaboration. | ||
| They're little rants. | ||
| We each go on little rants. | ||
| Things come out of them and stuff like that that weren't normal. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| When you talk about nervous, do you get randomly... | ||
| I get nervous in the craziest things. | ||
| You'll be doing a television show with zero nerves. | ||
| And then it's second show Saturday. | ||
| For some reason, my heart will feel like it's pounding out of the chest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And then a Friday first show, no nerves. | ||
| I do a little bit of rituals to stay kind of focused. | ||
| To get me in a really good mood. | ||
| So when I get on stage, I'm not phoning it in. | ||
| But as far as physical... | ||
| I need to wear one of those body bugs. | ||
| I would like to see those, uh, they got those things now you can do your heart rate, calories and stuff and you hook it up to your computer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You wear it for like all week and it gives you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Does it work while you're exercising? | ||
| Because the one I wear is stupid. | ||
| It goes around your waist and... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| They have new ones that go on your bicep that are supposed to be really good. | ||
| And you could fully exercise? | ||
| Like I could punch the bag and shit with that on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's like, yeah. | ||
| It's like a little iPod. | ||
| Yeah, I like to wear one just to see what my heart rate does before shows and see what kind of calories you burn. | ||
| Did you ever look at it while you're looking at pictures of cock? | ||
| How many calories did you burn? | ||
| No, I want to do it. | ||
| See, that was a goddamn good line. | ||
| Joey talked right over it. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| He said, do you ever look at that while you're looking at pictures of cock and see what your heart rate does? | ||
| It's all right, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't worry about it. | |
| GSB on a horse. | ||
| I guess you could use it. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you could use it seeing if you're watching porn just to see how many calories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come with me. | |
| He puts his hand out. | ||
| And it's just a gymnastics horse. | ||
| It's not even a real horse. | ||
| It's a gymnastics horse. | ||
| Sit behind me. | ||
| I look at things and I look at when there was a time when the store became second nature to me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And Joe would call me and go, you're going up before me? | ||
| And it was like, I gotta go to the fucking store. | ||
| And I would go down there and I wouldn't feel anything. | ||
| I would go up on stage and literally fucking bomb. | ||
| Bomb, bomb. | ||
| And get in my car. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| And then it's times when the audience, I feed off the energy. | ||
| It's like when I went to the ocean, you're sitting there. | ||
| These waves are hitting you, but there's some shit coming at you. | ||
| And sometimes you get to a show, and I got to see the audience. | ||
| Like, seeing the audience and letting me know these motherfuckers paid to get in gets me fucking on fire. | ||
| I see people, and I tell you, on the plane sometimes, I'll psych myself up. | ||
| Now I'm to a different point. | ||
| Like, now I want to go out there and die on stage. | ||
| We were in Milwaukee. | ||
| Let me just tell this. | ||
| Nobody's ever had a heart attack on stage. | ||
| I'm ready. | ||
| But if I do it, I'm doing it because I like what's going on right now with comedy in my life and with us when we go out. | ||
| If I'm not nervous, bro, it ain't gonna be real. | ||
| I don't want it to fuck around no more. | ||
| I want to be nervous to the point where my palms sweat a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, I get that way. | ||
| And then the second you get on stage... | ||
| And I think about leaving the door, like, where's that door? | ||
| Maybe I don't want to do this. | ||
| We were in Milwaukee, right? | ||
| The place is packed. | ||
| We're at this fucking awesome theater, and Joey's in the back, and Joey looks out, and he sees all the people in the audience. | ||
| You got this, like, fucking murderous look in your eye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had to. | |
| You're like, look at all these motherfuckers, Joe Rogan. | ||
| He goes, these motherfuckers are going crazy. | ||
| And then he goes, we're taking this to the next level. | ||
| We're taking this to the next level, Joe Rogan. | ||
| And he just like had this murderous look in his eyes and then went out and just smashed it. | ||
| But it's like the excitement of the crowd all coming there. | ||
| It's so much better than you see the guys that get on stage. | ||
| They have their notebook. | ||
| They're like, hey, what's up? | ||
| I'm tired. | ||
| Paige, Paige. | ||
| No! | ||
| This guy's stupid. | ||
| Page, page. | ||
| Where I literally... | ||
| My new little move before each show, if no one... | ||
| I'll even do it if a crowd's looking. | ||
| There's a scene from one of the Star Wars where Obi-Wan's about to fight the Sith, and there's a force field in front of him, and he's rocking. | ||
| Like, just get the... | ||
| I do that to myself now before I... Well, I was just going to... | ||
| Not crazy pump up, like... | ||
| I was going to ask you this because you do that neuro-linguistic programming, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you have like a certain thing you do right before you go on stage that puts you in like a perfect state of mind. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Does that work always? | ||
| Yeah, what I do, it's... | ||
| Yes, and then I was doing it wrong where a buddy actually said you shouldn't make it ritualistic, whatever that word is. | ||
| That was tongue-tied. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like you shouldn't do it or now you're developing an OCD problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what I do is I imagine the greatest show ever, just literally, because your brain doesn't know something that didn't happen to you. | ||
| If I was asked you, tell me about lunch you had with your family yesterday and you told me, you couldn't really tell me the way the lunch actually went down. | ||
| You've deleted, distorted, and generalized. | ||
| Every situation in your life to what's important to you, right? | ||
| Where I could ask, let's say your wife, tell me about lunch, and she would almost give me, it'd be similar, but maybe she was paying attention to the TV that was on above you, and in your story, you didn't tell me about the TV. It's kind of what people are, what you're looking out for, because you have, this is wrong numbers, but like 70 billion bits of information. | ||
| Your body's trying to figure out right now. | ||
| And you narrow that down to seven plus or minus two pieces of info at any given moment. | ||
| Like if I was to ask you, what's the temperature like in here? | ||
| How's the temperature? | ||
| Unless you were focused on it, unless you were sweaty, the temperature might not even bend in the equation while we're having this conversation. | ||
| So with that, I imagine the greatest show... | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Like, my greatest show ever. | ||
| And I kind of remind some last comic, because there was that feeling of big lights, shit falling from the thing, when I really felt, eh. | ||
| And right when I get to that state, I squeeze my thumb. | ||
| I put my thumb in between my fist. | ||
| Like Spider-Man? | ||
| And squeeze it, yeah. | ||
| Like you're shooting out a web? | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| That's exactly, you put it there. | ||
| How did he do it? | ||
| No, he did it like two fingers like this, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Well, mine's hidden. | ||
| Spider-Man did this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| He went like this. | ||
| Or if I had the things as a kid, he'd spray it. | ||
| But I put it here. | ||
| And then I imagine that you get that feeling because now your brain imagines that awesome thing. | ||
| And I lock it in like a speed dial. | ||
| So then what happens? | ||
| So just covering your thumb locks that in. | ||
| Because you want it, like fighters use it. | ||
| Sometimes fighters have a thing, you do it in a movement that you don't replicate on a normal basis. | ||
| So you don't do it on your hands. | ||
| So I squeeze my thumb, and then sometimes when I'm in an awesome mood, or even if I come home and my dogs, their tails are wagging, and I'm like, oh, this is great, I'll squeeze my thumb. | ||
| And when I'm on stage, if I get a big laugh or say something that was really funny, I'll squeeze my thumb. | ||
| So it's like a bank account. | ||
| You put happy feelings or good feelings into that thumb. | ||
| So then for the days when you don't feel like going on stage or you got in an argument right before you went on stage, like self-hypnosis, you squeeze that thumb and it puts you right back to that place. | ||
| Just like a song would. | ||
| It's called anchoring. | ||
| Just like if you hear a song from back in the day, you can almost remember. | ||
| Reminds you of your girlfriend. | ||
| So what you're doing is you're adding your speed dial to your thing. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| If you think it works, then it completely works. | ||
| You just have to convince yourself that it works. | ||
| I see you're not wearing your balance bracelet anymore. | ||
| And when I was at the mall the other day, some guy was trying to sell me on it, and I asked if you've got a balance bracelet on both hands if it's better, and he said yes. | ||
| Well, there's scam artists. | ||
| I wish I recorded it. | ||
| But there's people that actually believe in that shit. | ||
| Shane Carwin believed in that shit. | ||
| But here's the crazy part about it. | ||
| One of the things that Arking Ropes of Jism from the forum, you know, Phil, the English dude, he posted on the forum an interesting observation that this guy had where people have done studies and showed that they actually did help athletic performance. | ||
| And the reason is because people thought they helped. | ||
| And that is somehow enough, even, ready for this, even if you know it's bullshit. | ||
| Even people that knew it was bullshit, knew there was no physical way that this bracelet could give you better balance and make you athletically perform better, they would give it to people and they would still find significant benefit in it. | ||
| It's like somehow or another just opening the door to something making you better can make you better. | ||
| Or what happens a lot of times when you start talking, let's say we're talking about nerves or shitty, if we keep it, the show. | ||
| You start thinking, oh, the show sucks. | ||
| Oh, but that person's probably going to heckle. | ||
| And what happens is you talk yourself into a really shitty show. | ||
| Do you do that? | ||
| You talk yourself into people heckling? | ||
| No, but I will play scenarios out in my head. | ||
| You play like heckle scenarios? | ||
| He's a spaz. | ||
| Have you realized he's a spaz? | ||
| No. | ||
| But I'm not saying just for show. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Because Brian, you're really new to the game. | ||
| You've only been doing comedy like a little bit now. | ||
| I mean, really over the last couple years, over this nine years off that you had. | ||
| Do you ever, before you go on stage, you should be nervous as fuck. | ||
| Do you ever go on stage and say, I hope no one hackles? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not nervous anymore. | |
| I'm not nervous anymore. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| I don't let Brian be nervous. | ||
| You just go up there and do it. | ||
| I don't let Brian be nervous. | ||
| Well, let me tell you something, what Brian did. | ||
| I mean, people would say that Brian had like a shortcut, and Brian, you know, all he had to do was just start doing open mics, and we had him in front of packed houses. | ||
| Brian went up in Austin fucking Texas after Joey Diaz killed. | ||
| Every night, balls of steel. | ||
| He never fucking complained. | ||
| He never looked at me, and I'll tell him through his face, never gave me a look of sorrow or puppy dog. | ||
| After Joey crushed. | ||
| Crushed. | ||
| And he would tell me to crush. | ||
| If I didn't crush, he's like, your joke didn't fucking work tonight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you, bitch. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| One time, he's like, we were in Austin. | ||
| Is he making things up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember. | |
| No, we were in Austin one night, and he came up to me afterwards. | ||
| Like, I had an okay set. | ||
| And he's like, that joke didn't work. | ||
| And I'm fucking howling. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| And I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| It's true, the joke didn't work. | ||
| But Brian has balls of steel. | ||
| No one did he complain. | ||
| Never complained to me. | ||
| Never, ever cried. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had been off. | |
| He had been off for nine years. | ||
| Six years. | ||
| No stand-up at all. | ||
| He got up at a midnight show in Atlanta, Georgia at a UFC. Punchline. | ||
| Punchline in Atlanta. | ||
| First of all, that's a badass old school club to have that club to go up for your First time on a sold out show, on a fucking Friday night, a late night show, midnight show, he fucking goes on stage and kills. | ||
| Not only did he kill, he pulled himself out of a downward spiral. | ||
| Like he did really good in the beginning and then he started bombing. | ||
| And he figured out a way to pull himself out of the bombing. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because he doesn't have a lot of ego. | ||
| When you have a lot of ego, that's when you can never pull out of a bombing. | ||
| A person who takes themselves super seriously and then gets devastated on stage by a joke choking, those are the people that can't pull out of the bombing. | ||
| I'm to the point in my life, when I get another fucking email about stand-up or another twit, And you put me off or people come up to you and talk to you and put you off. | ||
| I'm at the point in stand-up I want to just say get the fuck away from me. | ||
| So whenever I see somebody like Brian do the stand-up rap and go about it ball-less, you know, because it's completely out of Brian's brain, he just goes out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| I love them just for that. | ||
| I give them that respect because I know how hard it is. | ||
| And I know how many excuses we've all heard. | ||
| And we don't give a fuck. | ||
| All I want you to do is be happy. | ||
| If you come up to me and say you want to get on stage, I'll give you all the love I can to get you up to that stage. | ||
| But don't let me see you three months later and you're still bullshitting me. | ||
| Because I did that too. | ||
| It took me six months. | ||
| It took me six months of canceling at the Comedy Works and then showing up and finally doing it and then you get hooked. | ||
| But I do give you a lot of love for that, Brian. | ||
| Probably one of the fucking reasons why I talk to you is because you don't give a fuck when it comes to stand-up. | ||
| And as soon as you get to our stage, you'll walk up to me and say, where's the drink ticket, bitch? | ||
| There was a kid I used to do open mic nights with back in Boston, and I was kind of half-assing it in the beginning. | ||
| I was into it, but I wasn't into it because I was still fighting at the time, and I was still working full-time. | ||
| So I was still fighting in kickboxing tournaments and shit, so I was training pretty much every night and then trying to go do stand-up afterwards. | ||
| So I was fucking tired all the time. | ||
| I was burning the fuse at both ends. | ||
| And some fucking kid that I did open mic nights with goes, you were pretty funny when you first started out, man, but you seemed to have kind of fizzled. | ||
| And he was being honest with me. | ||
| And I stopped and I thought about it and I was like, shit. | ||
| You know, he's just, like, saying it. | ||
| Like, you were really funny in the beginning. | ||
| You kind of fizzled. | ||
| And I didn't argue with him back, which is what I normally would have done. | ||
| But I'm like, fuck you. | ||
| And I thought about it. | ||
| I'm like, god damn. | ||
| He's probably right. | ||
| What the fuck am I doing? | ||
| I had a guy say that he came and saw me in Austin, a friend of mine, and he did a show. | ||
| And I thought it was a good show. | ||
| And he goes, I've seen you, like, a bunch of times. | ||
| He goes, you've done comedy for 23 years, blah, blah. | ||
| You need to rip it every time. | ||
| He said you need to rip it every time? | ||
| You need to rip it. | ||
| Like, just crush it. | ||
| You know why he's probably saying that? | ||
| His girlfriend wanted to fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| But either way, it motivated me because then I started going, no, that crowd just kind of... | ||
| And then I'm making all the excuses and I go, no, no, I need to... | ||
| There was a point where I switched off, maybe start phoning it in and then... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, and then that's when I squeeze my thumb. | ||
| Man, I'll tell you what. | ||
| But some shows, I mean, when you do 500 of them, you're going to have... | ||
| Do you suck your thumb? | ||
| Do I suck my... | ||
| I never did, no. | ||
| You suck at them? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know, when I was a kid, I was fucking... | ||
| Oh, yeah, when I was a kid. | ||
| When I was a fucking kid, I was hooked on Pacifier. | ||
| I was like six years old, dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Big time. | ||
| I used to hide them from my mom and hide them all over the house. | ||
| When I used to play ball in the house, my mom would say, you're going to fucking break something of mine one day. | ||
| So she had these Japanese dolls with different fucking wigs that were like 10 Gs, and I broke them. | ||
| My mom was like, you're done now. | ||
| You got to pay me all the money you owe me. | ||
| You got to get a day job. | ||
| I was like, fine. | ||
| I'm like, fuck you, mom. | ||
| She's like, I need like 30 fucking Gs. | ||
| You got to give me $50 a week. | ||
| Or... | ||
| We could start sucking those pacifiers, dawg. | ||
| Stop sucking them. | ||
| Stop sucking them. | ||
| And I'm like, because I would suck them like the way people smoke cigarettes. | ||
| I'd get into a fist fight and then run home. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| I used to hide them outside in the car and shit. | ||
| You're stressed at five. | ||
| You just see you in the corner just puffing on it. | ||
| I want to talk about that thing that we talked about before the show, but I don't. | ||
| I do, but I don't. | ||
| Yeah, right, right. | ||
| Should we? | ||
| We should. | ||
| The electronic thing. | ||
| Oh, yeah, why not? | ||
| Listen, folks, you want to know at what level they're kicking it here in California? | ||
| Do you want to know? | ||
| Do you want to really know? | ||
| They have electronic cigarettes, look what Brian's holding up, that are all weed. | ||
| There's 200 hits in those, guys. | ||
| 200. 200 hits in those. | ||
| Do you know how ridiculous that is? | ||
| That one thing, you could carry that around for you for days. | ||
| For you. | ||
| You could carry that shit around for days. | ||
| And just get blitzed. | ||
| So you put the weed in there? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's preloaded. | ||
| Let me take a poll of that shit. | ||
| It's preloaded and it has about 200 and you draw it for two to three seconds. | ||
| Two weeks you gotta charge it. | ||
| And it's sativa. | ||
| That's not overcooked. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is super blue dream sativa. | |
| Now where do you get this one? | ||
| Shop. | ||
| Only two or three seconds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called M-E-D-A-S-T-I-S. This is amazing. | |
| It doesn't smell at all. | ||
| Except for when you... | ||
| Yeah, but the problem is you can never smell weed. | ||
| When you're smoking weed, you don't smell it. | ||
| So this is on a plane? | ||
| I wouldn't. | ||
| I don't think you can do it on a plane because something's coming out and that something will probably set up the alarms. | ||
| What I did here is this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's vapor. | |
| It's water vapor. | ||
| It's water vapor? | ||
| Why do they need to do the water vapor? | ||
| Is it necessary? | ||
| I know for the cigarette, they do it so people get the whole thing. | ||
| You see the fake red, you go in and then you see the... | ||
| The fake red's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, you see the, and then you blow it out so people who want to not smoke, you're going through the whole motion. | ||
| You see it, you light it, and stuff like that. | ||
| Don't listen to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The last time I flew into Burbank, I had a talk with a cop in Burbank. | |
| You got your own! | ||
| Joe Rogan, it's over. | ||
| Why are you so greedy, man? | ||
| It's over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's wrong with you today? | |
| From accusing Starbucks of random drug testing? | ||
| I talked to a cop at Burbank and Bob Hope. | ||
| The motherfucker said, he goes, look, we don't care where the fuck you're flying no more. | ||
| Please check your weed. | ||
| He goes, we got people checking weed now, four or three ounces on the conveyor belt for security purposes. | ||
| We don't give a fuck no more. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's how bad it's getting. | ||
| LAX, too. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| Used to be they didn't give a fuck if you were going to somewhere in California. | ||
| Now they just said, fuck it, you're on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So you could bring weed through the fucking PSA? Don't hold that up, Brian. | ||
| People have all the information. | ||
| Make them get on a trip. | ||
| You gotta put your weed on the belt and let it go through fucking... | ||
| The thing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So you tell them this is weed? | ||
| Yeah, they know. | ||
| They know. | ||
| Don't be stingy, Brian. | ||
| Keep that thing going. | ||
| Keep it passing around. | ||
| Get your own dirty bitch. | ||
| Brian's taking his ball and going home. | ||
| So listen, we're near the end of the podcast because I've got to get the fuck out of here because I'm going to the premiere of Warrior tonight. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, Brian Callum's playing me. | ||
| I'm going to go see that. | ||
| That's going to be interesting. | ||
| And you know I'm in fucking... | ||
| I've got to go to a premiere tomorrow. | ||
| Bucky Larson, born to be a porn star. | ||
| Bucky Larson, born to be a porn star. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You in it? | ||
| That's the movie. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Me and Don Johnson. | ||
| You have a play? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| What's the play? | ||
| What's the part in it? | ||
| I'm a porn producer. | ||
| They try to show me porn. | ||
| Is this like a big movie? | ||
| Yeah, it's Nick Swanson and a bunch of people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Nick Swanson. | ||
| When is it coming out? | ||
| Friday, but it goes up against Contagious. | ||
| I'm in no danger. | ||
| Did you meet Stephen Dwarf? | ||
| I'm in no danger. | ||
| I'm against Contagious. | ||
| Did you meet Stephen Dwarf? | ||
| Yeah, we were at the party. | ||
| We went to the fucking party together. | ||
| All of a sudden you forgot? | ||
| Then I take you to the party. | ||
| No, you invited... | ||
| I took you to the party. | ||
| Stephen Dorff came with Gina Ritchie and Ben Owen. | ||
| Owen Benjamin came at the end. | ||
| I left you at the party with the drunk chick from fucking Playboy. | ||
| You forget now, cocksucker? | ||
| Brian, I need to take you to a doctor. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Me, you, and Terry went to the party. | ||
| We ate the meat with the steaks on it down on Wilshire. | ||
| Me, you, and my wife went to the rap party. | ||
| Just a quick little brain cat scan type thing. | ||
| That pussy's turning your brain to mush. | ||
| You're like Henry Hill and Goodfellas, cocksucker. | ||
| I saw him at the grocery store yesterday. | ||
| I tried to get a picture. | ||
| How bad does he look? | ||
| He was in one of those little carts. | ||
| How do you know what he looks like? | ||
| Isn't he in the fucking mob? | ||
| Whoa, this shit smells like weed. | ||
| I know exactly what it looks like, but he was at the grocery store. | ||
| In that little cart that... | ||
| Yo, this smells exactly like weed. | ||
| I was trying. | ||
| I wanted to get a picture with you. | ||
| I told my wife, I go, just take a picture. | ||
| I'm in a sandbox. | ||
| You should have gone up to him and told him you were holding. | ||
| Hey, is this missing something, Hefron? | ||
| Because it smells like weed. | ||
| Smell that. | ||
| Is there something missing off the front? | ||
| Or is it supposed to be like that? | ||
| I think that's right. | ||
| Smell that shit. | ||
| You can smell the weed right through that. | ||
| That thing stinks like weed. | ||
| I can't take that nowhere. | ||
| What? | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| You're trying to get me arrested. | ||
| Bro, this thing stinks like weed. | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| Let me smell that shit. | ||
| Put some Lysol on it, Joe. | ||
| Smell that shit, Joey. | ||
| Steal Brian's in, because Brian's doesn't... | ||
| I'll switch you. | ||
| Smell the mouth part. | ||
| No, I want the fake cigarette. | ||
| Well, that's because you just did the... | ||
| Smells like teeth and breath and ass and fucking everything that goes in my mouth, cocksucker. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Relax, I'm smoking. | ||
| I want one, too. | ||
| Pass it over here. | ||
| I don't think it does. | ||
| So this is the question that I had. | ||
| I'm thinking about opening up a comedy club. | ||
| I've been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks. | ||
| I've been telling you that for years. | ||
| You're right, you have been. | ||
| You've been telling me about it. | ||
| We talked about buying the ice house at one point in time. | ||
| Remember when they were trying to sell the ice house? | ||
| We were like, what would it be like to buy a comedy club? | ||
| What city would you do in it? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I would have to have somebody fucking run it, though. | ||
| Somebody that I trust to run it. | ||
| That's the real problem, because I ain't got the time to really... | ||
| But to have a club where we all had a vested interest in, and we all worked out there all the time, and we set it up the right way... | ||
| I mean, essentially... | ||
| Look, the Comedy Store was one of the greatest creative moments for you and I and a lot of other comedians. | ||
| But why was it? | ||
| Well, it's because there was a lot of great comics hanging out there and basically running the show. | ||
| I mean, that's what it was. | ||
| It was a fun little club where we all got in and fucked around and people knew that they could go there pretty much any weekend and see some fun shit. | ||
| We need to recreate that. | ||
| We can recreate that somewhere. | ||
| It wouldn't be that hard. | ||
| As long as we don't go crazy. | ||
| Not small, like 200, 250? | ||
| 250. Even that's too much. | ||
| Even that's too much, man. | ||
| We don't want to compete with nobody. | ||
| By the way, what's going on there, dog? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Are we allowed to talk about? | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| We allowed to talk about it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I went into the improv last Tuesday. | ||
| That shit is fucked up. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Went to the improv last week and Judy Brown was there. | ||
| When was the last time you went to the improv on Tuesday? | ||
| So I'm walking around. | ||
| Oh, I haven't been there in a while. | ||
| Shaking people's hands. | ||
| And all of a sudden, as I'm walking out the door, I got a tap on the shoulder and I got a newspaper article drawn on me. | ||
| Have you seen the newspaper? | ||
| What? | ||
| Front page of the business section in the LA Times. | ||
| They caught a boy with a hand in the motherfucking cookie jar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| Robert Hartman. | ||
| What? | ||
| He's getting sued by Bud Friedman. | ||
| Stealing like a motherfucker. | ||
| Double dipping 15% and owning the club. | ||
| It's in there. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| You ready for this one? | ||
| What? | ||
| What the guy told, the story they told is that they're going to open up three new clubs called Levity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bud said enough is enough. | ||
| Enough of you motherfuckers robbing me. | ||
| The reason why they call them Levity is they don't have to pay the fucking franchise tax. | ||
| And they've been doing it now for a long time. | ||
| Stand up live. | ||
| They're having a good time with the funny bones. | ||
| Bud came out of that coma. | ||
| I heard he cut like eight Jews together. | ||
| And he goes, we're going to get ours. | ||
| They've been out. | ||
| Mark Lano's been down there. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| The cat's out of the bag. | ||
| Are you sure about all this information? | ||
| You better look on that fucking newspaper and see what it says right there. | ||
| I don't want to read it right now while you're getting work. | ||
| I just want to agree with you. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| The improvs have been good to me no matter what. | ||
| I'm just saying that every fucking dog has his day. | ||
| They accuse him, you know, where there's smoke, there's fucking fire. | ||
| Well, what I'm saying is a small place. | ||
| I'm not saying anything even close to as big as the improv. | ||
| You did the club that I started off in Ann Arbor, the basement. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| What is that, 150 people? | ||
| Yeah, two if the Fire Marshal isn't going to show up. | ||
| But you can have that place at $200, the room, or even like Wendy's Club in Denver. | ||
| But that's bigger. | ||
| That's like $300. | ||
| Is the ice ice still for sale? | ||
| I don't know if it's still for sale. | ||
| That new side room where we did the Death Squad comedy show last week, that side room is fucking badass. | ||
| That's like 90 people. | ||
| It's got a new sound system, new seats. | ||
| We're going to have a show there Friday. | ||
| I'm doing my one-man show the whole month of September. | ||
| Most likely I'll be there. | ||
| It all depends on where we're shooting Fear Factor that day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sweet. | |
| Alright. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| I guess you'd have to open one here. | ||
| I need to get on stage. | ||
| I need to get on stage because I've got a lot of dates coming up, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Tomorrow, the tickets go on sale for our show at the Verizon Theater, October 7th. | ||
| Joe Diaz and moi. | ||
| And we're going to fuck that place up. | ||
| Going back to H-Town old school. | ||
| We haven't been in Houston, Texas in a long time. | ||
| Four years, five years. | ||
| God damn! | ||
| Yeah, it's been a long time, man. | ||
| And that's the place where I recorded my first CD. That's the place where I first got recognized as a comic, really. | ||
| That was the place where I first started selling out. | ||
| I never sold out anywhere in the country but Houston. | ||
| Houston had this whole history of that kind of comedy. | ||
| Wild comedy. | ||
| And Joe Diaz and I went in that place. | ||
| And when my CD got released, we did a fucking free show there and advertised it on the radio. | ||
| And it was one of the most fun nights I've ever had in my life. | ||
| And the club was like, oh, we gotta charge. | ||
| Remember Mark Babbitt was like, we gotta charge, we gotta charge. | ||
| And you said it best. | ||
| It's not in the spirit of the thing. | ||
| It's not in the spirit. | ||
| We were high as fuck. | ||
| We were like, we should do a free show. | ||
| And he's like, Joe Rogan, that's genius. | ||
| Do a fucking free show. | ||
| Let him come out. | ||
| You two on the fucking building in L.A. Do that sometimes. | ||
| Get on the building and start playing. | ||
| People will fucking show up. | ||
| In the spirit of the thing, do you have enough money? | ||
| So sometimes do a fucking free show. | ||
| Rock that. | ||
| Well, this one ain't free, bitches. | ||
| Okay, you gotta pay for this one because it's at the Verizon Wireless Theater and they're charging me. | ||
| And that's October 7th in Houston, Texas. | ||
| Tickets will go on sale tomorrow. | ||
| If you look on my Twitter, it's twitter.com slash Joe Rogan. | ||
| It's on, today is, while we're recording this, is the 6th, the 7th they go on sale. | ||
| Can I drop something there? | ||
| Yeah, the password is speaker. | ||
| There's a pre-sale tomorrow. | ||
| September 17th, myself and the flying Jew Ari Shafi at the Town Ballroom in Buffalo, New York. | ||
| I gotta give you a shirt, Joe Rogan. | ||
| It's Fidel Castro with a yarmulke on, smoking a fucking blunt. | ||
| Did you make this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's your shirt? | ||
| Some guy fucking designed him for us off Twitter. | ||
| We need two more shirts. | ||
| We need one that says, Stay Black, and we need one that says, Oh, Brian. | ||
| I want a Desquad shirt. | ||
| And we need a Desquad shirt. | ||
| Yeah, but you want to do Desquad with your gay cat. | ||
| That's not the original Desquad logo. | ||
| Some people do. | ||
| I just go with just words, so just, you know, can mean whatever they want. | ||
| Yeah, you know, it should be just typed. | ||
| I'm my own Desquad. | ||
| I'm going to split up. | ||
| That's not in the spirit of the word Death Squad. | ||
| No, people want the cat. | ||
| People are getting tattoos of it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's not a good idea. | ||
| That cat has Hitler mustache. | ||
| Not the iTunes version. | ||
| No? | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| Speaking of Death Squad, can I plug my new podcast that's on the Death Squad? | ||
| It's me and John Reap called Last Podcasting. | ||
| We do it every couple weeks, but it's underneath your guys' big podcast label. | ||
| Domination. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very powerful. | |
| We'll be back on Saturday and Sunday. | ||
| Saturday we have Tim Ferriss, the author of the 4-Hour Workweek. | ||
| Yeah, seems like a really cool guy. | ||
| He's coming on Saturday. | ||
| Have you read that book? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| I'm going to have a chance this week to pretend I'm going to read it. | ||
| So I'll fucking skip through some summaries online. | ||
| And then Sunday is Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| So the 10th and the 11th are our next live podcast that we'll be doing on the internet. | ||
| Three weeks in a row we've had the number one podcast out of all of iTunes. | ||
| And that's because of you guys. | ||
| And thank you very much. | ||
| It's cool as fuck. | ||
| It's not like it gives us anything. | ||
| I mean, it's just bragging rights. | ||
| But it's cool to know that people are interested in it. | ||
| That you guys are digging it. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| You love us. | ||
| Stay black. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| That's another shirt we need. | ||
| Joey Diaz, Brian, John Heffron. | ||
| Dates, books, blogs, videos. | ||
| Mad Flavor World. | ||
| We're doing it all over here now. | ||
| Mad Flavor World, we plugged that already on YouTube. | ||
| Go see that. | ||
| Mad Flavors World on YouTube. | ||
| I gave my cat a bat this week. | ||
| We got a lot of shit going on, people. | ||
| You're all coming with us. | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Go follow The Death Squad on iTunes. | ||
| It's a series of podcasts. | ||
| John Reap and John Hefron. | ||
| We got Tom Segura's on that label. | ||
| We got Ari Shafir. | ||
| We got Freddie Lockhart. | ||
| All great comics. | ||
| All interesting dudes. | ||
| It's big fun. | ||
| Follow that shit. | ||
| Alright, we love you and we'll see you on Saturday. |
Export Selection