April 26, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:40:35
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| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to joerogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you get 15% off the number one male sex toy. | ||
| All righty. | ||
| Buckle up, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
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Here we go. | |
| Adam crawls in the house. | ||
|
unidentified
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| It's a black guy again, man. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
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Keep doing that fake black guy on me, man. | |
| That's not cool. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, the godfather of the podcast is here. | ||
| The man who started it all. | ||
| The man who, without him, I probably might not have done this fucking thing. | ||
| I might not have been so enthusiastic about doing it. | ||
| But doing his was so much fun, and he was so smart to... | ||
| Jump right into that right after his radio station. | ||
| Adam Crowley, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Great to be here. | ||
| Great to have you, buddy. | ||
| It's for real, man. | ||
| If it wasn't for you and, you know, and doing your podcast and realizing how, like, you had it so... | ||
| I mean, now you got it really professional. | ||
| Like, the last time I was there, I was like, holy shit. | ||
| It's like stacks of compressors and all this, you know, and monitors and people hitting video switches and everything. | ||
| I mean, you got it like a... | ||
| It's a goddamn studio. | ||
| You know, everyone is at that studio still making fun of me because Joe did the podcast a couple of weeks ago. | ||
| And Joe took a tour around the back part of the warehouse and we're up at the front part where the studio is. | ||
| And then Joe came back and he said to me, man, you got all these compressors. | ||
| And I said, really? | ||
| You haven't seen shit yet, buddy. | ||
| And I said, follow me. | ||
| And we walked to a closet and I opened it up and I turned the... | ||
| Turned the light on and there was a 40 gallon air compressor there. | ||
| And I said, that's the granddaddy of them all. | ||
| And he went, no, I didn't mean air compressors. | ||
| And I was like, what other kind of compressor would you be talking about? | ||
| He doesn't even know. | ||
| And then my buddy started laughing at me and now I'm ridiculed soundly. | ||
| I stand by my compressor means a compressor. | ||
|
unidentified
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Whoa. | |
| To me. | ||
| You were correct in that is the original use of compressor, and especially considering that you have an auto garage. | ||
| That's a rare situation. | ||
| It was a good-looking compressor I showed you, to be sure, right? | ||
| Well, listen, I'm as into gadgets as the next fella, and I'm very impressed by that large compressor. | ||
| I mean, that was something you'd expect to see at a gas station. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| Even though now they charge you a fucking quarter. | ||
| 75 cents up the street. | ||
| Or whatever. | ||
| I mean, just the whole idea. | ||
| I would love to. | ||
| You know, they do that stuff where they go, if our founding fathers could see this. | ||
| Fuck founding fathers. | ||
| Let me get a couple guys from the 50s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just drag them in and go, they make you pay for air? | ||
| I should blacken their eye. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, like a guy with a bow tie, and it's like, oh, you know, just take a guy from the 50s and show him a gas station. | ||
| Serve yourself. | ||
| You clean your own windshield. | ||
| You need to pay in advance. | ||
| That'd be another thing. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| They don't trust you? | ||
| Air, they'll charge for. | ||
| I prefer the option to pump my own gas. | ||
| That's one thing that creeps me out about, like, I think Oregon has it. | ||
| I know New Jersey has it. | ||
| Or they don't let you. | ||
|
unidentified
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There's a few states. | |
| They don't let you pump your gas. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Yeah, for real. | ||
| They don't allow you to. | ||
| That is a weird one, isn't it? | ||
| Very strange. | ||
| I've done some... | ||
| I don't know if we were talking about this before, but I was thinking about this sort of gas station. | ||
| I tell people... | ||
| You know, you can decide where to live. | ||
| A lot of people base that on, like, well, how are the school systems? | ||
| Or, you know, what's going on with the economy or the roads or something? | ||
| But I'd say you can base your neighborhood on the gas station because there's sort of three levels. | ||
| There are the ones like the ones in my neighborhood where you swipe your credit card and then you have to punch in your zip code because of credit card fraud. | ||
| Then there's the slightly nicer neighborhood where you just swipe your credit card but you don't have to punch in your zip code. | ||
| And then there's the greatest neighborhoods of all where you just pump your gas and when you're done, you pay somebody. | ||
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unidentified
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That's true. | |
| But they don't need cash up front. | ||
| I mean, when you travel and you get outside of L.A. and you realize, oh, there's just some guy who's going to let you pump your gas and then you can pay him. | ||
| Not everyone's fucking Bonnie and Clyde. | ||
| All of us are going to jump off sliding across our hoods laughing and peeling out. | ||
| That means you're in a good goddamn neighborhood if they trust you. | ||
| That's absolutely true. | ||
| You know, I got credit card frauded the other day, just a week or so ago. | ||
| I'm super paranoid now. | ||
| I'm always at the gas station trying to pull off the scanner to make sure it's real. | ||
| Do you know how they do it? | ||
| Those scanners, when you scan your card at the gas station, they put a scanner over that. | ||
| So as you're scanning, they're getting your numbers as well. | ||
| And they also have a little camera that looks like an advertisement for a credit card application. | ||
| It has a little camera in it that reads you typing in your number. | ||
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unidentified
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Ah. | |
| So as you type in your area code or your zip code, you got to do that weird back hunch thing. | ||
| Yeah, you got to put your hand like this. | ||
| Like you're eating food in prison. | ||
| I wonder if there's going to be some sort of syndrome that doctors are going to run into and chiropractors are going to run into called block ATM back. | ||
| Where, like, in the next hundred years, our kids are going to have weird scoliated spines from doing that weird shoulder hunch, punching it. | ||
| It's really, you get it from, it's sort of what carpal tunnel is, the guys who work keyboard jobs all day. | ||
| This is a weird back hunch to all the people that go to the ATM three times a week and dial in their zip code when they're at the gas station, do the cell phone thing where they're, like, texting. | ||
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unidentified
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It's going to be a weird, because it is just weird. | |
| Oh, this is heavy. | ||
| This may be the weed talking. | ||
| We may be, dig this, just dig this. | ||
| We may be getting taller as a species, but we're evening it out by hunching over all the time and rolling our shoulders and protecting whatever serial codes we're punching in. | ||
| It's weird to me that we still sign things. | ||
| That freaks me out when I scribble something on a piece of paper that makes it valid. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| Is that for real anymore? | ||
| That's the dumbest thing. | ||
| We've talked about that, how I just type in Brad Pitt or I type in Tom Selleck because it doesn't matter. | ||
| You write it, yeah. | ||
| I used to be kind of meticulous about my autograph, you know? | ||
| I used to write my name out. | ||
| I should say my signature. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| But if I autograph something, I'm much more particular than if I sign something. | ||
| I'm just writing some fucking motion. | ||
| You can't tell me that's not right. | ||
| I'm changing it. | ||
| It's your mark and, you know, you do shows, you stay afterward, you sign a bunch of shit, right? | ||
| I'm Sure. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I do the same thing. | ||
| And it becomes your mark. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I realize it doesn't have to read. | ||
| I always tell people this. | ||
| If you were going to go out and get a fake autograph, it would be Brad Pitt's autograph. | ||
| It would be Adam Cole's. | ||
| It wouldn't be me, would it? | ||
| So, I mean, who's going to question it? | ||
| Well, I've seen fake ones of mine sold online. | ||
| Oh, you have? | ||
| Yeah, a bunch of them. | ||
| From news radio, autographed memorabilia. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| There's Fake Everyone. | ||
| Everyone's name is fake on it. | ||
| I like those guys who once in a while when you fly into JFK, there'll be some fat guy in cargo shorts who's sweating profusely. | ||
| He's waiting for you. | ||
| And he's like, big fan, big fan, big fan. | ||
| As he's saying big fan, he just keeps swiping. | ||
| He does 119 pictures of Mia's death on the family. | ||
| I say, big fan, big fan, big fan. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, I got the big part. | ||
| You're definitely the 322 pounds. | ||
| Do you sign all those though? | ||
| I usually... | ||
| I'll tell you what happened. | ||
| I ran into the same dude on the way out as I did on the way in, and I signed about 20 of them on the way out. | ||
| And then when I was coming in at like 6 a.m., he was waiting for me again. | ||
| And I was like, all right, I'll give you 10 this time. | ||
| That's nice of you. | ||
| You know, my fee... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I don't know why, but A, I feel sorry for these guys. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| When's the last time they got a good blowjob? | ||
| Number one. | ||
| Number two, all right, so that's their job. | ||
| Like, they get up at five, they drive down to JFK, they pay 20 bucks for parking, and they wait for Adam Carolla to come walking up terminal, whatever. | ||
| I look at it as fuck it. | ||
| It's their job. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| How much money can you make off of the signature? | ||
| You make pretty decent money. | ||
| It definitely depends, but I think I saw your ship going for like $25, and it was just some cheap... | ||
| $25? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| I always suspect they just hope on the off chance the plane will crash, then they'll have a stack of the last shit you ever signed. | ||
| I couldn't see them making much after that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That could work. | ||
| Very clever. | ||
| I used to actually do that when I was a kid. | ||
| I was a huge Steve Martin fan, so I actually wanted his autograph. | ||
| So I would always go to those movie shops where they have the signed autographs and the memorabilia and stuff like that. | ||
| And always looking for a Steve Martin. | ||
| Never got one. | ||
| And then I found out that he doesn't give autographs. | ||
| He gives out a little business card. | ||
| And it just says, this is a business card. | ||
| It says that you have met Steve Martin or something like that. | ||
| And he just carries a podcast. | ||
| I like it when guys are clever, but not that clever. | ||
| That's bordering on cute. | ||
| One of the most uncomfortable moments in my life was me sitting next to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. | ||
| Actually, I had two wildly uncomfortable moments that involved Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. | ||
| One is, he just sat down on my radio show and I was like, you know... | ||
| You never see any guys in their 70s that are, you know, over 6'7 or 6'8. | ||
| And I mean, you know, I'm not trying to bring you down, literally, but is there some syndrome or have you talked to somebody or how does it work? | ||
| Because you just don't see seven-footers that are 80 years old, but yet you seem like you're in perfect health and I don't know how it works. | ||
| And is there something that I'm not aware of? | ||
| And he's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And I was like, you know how you don't see a lot of old guys are like over six, five. | ||
| They seem to go a little earlier in life. | ||
| As a matter of fact, the little short Jewish guys and ones that go on forever. | ||
| Is there some connection, correlation between the height and the short longevity? | ||
| And he was like, I never thought about it. | ||
| And I was like, oh, shit, really? | ||
| And he was like, yeah, now I am. | ||
| This is kind of uncomfortable. | ||
| I was like, but no, but I can't be the first guy to bring this up. | ||
| So he did that to me. | ||
| And then we're at this Dodger All-Star game or something, celebrity game, and we're sitting next to each other. | ||
| Waiting for the real Dodger game to end in the Tommy Lasorda dugout eating hot wings or something that's up on the Loge level. | ||
| And some kid came by and said, could you sign my baseball? | ||
| And I signed his baseball. | ||
| And then he handed it to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and he said, could you sign my baseball? | ||
| And he's like, no. | ||
| And the kid was like, really? | ||
| Could it just take a second? | ||
| And he's like, I'm not doing that right now. | ||
| And I'm sitting right next to him, and the kid comes back for a third round, and he's like, you know, just real quick. | ||
| And he's like, no, I'm sorry. | ||
| And I'm like, just fucking sign it, just sign it. | ||
| And then he walks away, and then his mom shows up like 10 minutes later, and she's like, I'm so sorry to disturb you, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar, but the ball for my son, he's such a huge fan. | ||
| Do you think you could just take a moment? | ||
| He's like... | ||
| Sorry, no. | ||
| And she's like, just a moment. | ||
| And she's like, no, thank you. | ||
| And I'm just like, I'm sitting next to him wanting to crawl out of my urethra and just go under the carpet. | ||
| You know that thing? | ||
| Having to pretend like, you know that body language that says I'm not listening? | ||
| Like, we can all know the fake body language. | ||
| I am listening. | ||
|
unidentified
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Uh-huh. | |
| But I'm trying to discover the I'm not really listening. | ||
| You start leaning a little. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And she really asked like three or four times. | ||
| She's like, sorry. | ||
| No. | ||
| And she's like, really? | ||
| Because we could have signed it in this time. | ||
| It took... | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
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She's like, please. | |
| I want to go. | ||
| I'll fucking sign it. | ||
| I'll eat your pussy. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
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Please. | |
| Please go away. | ||
| Take your son somewhere. | ||
| What a douchebag he is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
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He was, right? | |
| He's dead, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Isn't he dead? | ||
| No, he's around. | ||
| Is he not dead? | ||
| No, the point is... | ||
| Which one's dead? | ||
| Will Chamberlain's dead? | ||
| Yeah, Wilt's dead. | ||
| The point is, I realize the guy's 7'4". | ||
| There's not a place. | ||
| It's about height. | ||
| I mean, you're spotted. | ||
| You're stopped. | ||
| He gets stopped everywhere he goes. | ||
| I'm not defending the guy. | ||
| But that guy has probably been bugged for autographs non-stop for 50 years. | ||
| And I bet he's just fucking had an impacted ass full of it. | ||
| I bet he has, but he should reconsider the way that... | ||
| In that case, yes. | ||
| Especially little kids. | ||
| Some kid, and you can make their day. | ||
| It's so easy to make their day. | ||
| You're going to have to communicate with him. | ||
| He's right there. | ||
| And you're sure it was him, right? | ||
| You're not preaching to the crier talking to you. | ||
| You're sure it was him, right? | ||
| It wasn't a guy to just look like him. | ||
| Yeah, it's a 6'4 black guy. | ||
| Changed his name from Luau Cinder to him. | ||
| Is that who he was? | ||
| Luau Cinder? | ||
| Yeah, I was joking about this once where I was saying, you know, Cat Stevens, Cassius Clay, Luau Cinder, all really bitching names. | ||
| Like, no reason to take the Muslim names. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's true, right? | |
| Dick Trickle should take the Muslim name, but not maybe even Dick Butkus, but not Cassius Clay, like Cat Stevens. | ||
| Like, you guys already were blessed with some of the coolest names on the planet. | ||
| You know how much less pussy you're going to get, Cat Stevens, going to Islet Muslam or whatever the fuck it is? | ||
| I mean, you're going to cut the pussy spigot off. | ||
| Imagine his agent. | ||
| How'd the phone call go with his agent? | ||
| Hey, Marty, yeah. | ||
| No, I'm not going by Cat anymore. | ||
| That's my slave name. | ||
| No, no, Cat Stevens. | ||
| Now I'm going to be selling, my next album's going to be the best of Yusef Islam. | ||
|
unidentified
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His agent must have just been like, are you fucking kidding me? | |
| I was fascinated by his whole situation, his transformation, up until I read the fact that he actually supported the fatwa, as it were, or whatever, against the guy who wrote, what the fuck is his name? | ||
| The guy who wrote the book when they went after him? | ||
| The first guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Muslim guy? | ||
| Yeah, Satanic Verses, and that guy was named Yuri Geller. | ||
|
unidentified
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I can't think of his name. | |
| Well, you should have got me started. | ||
| How could I not know his name? | ||
| I'll spit it out in a second. | ||
| Hold on, Satanic Verses. | ||
| Comes out with Duncan Trussell. | ||
| It's so beautiful how you can do that. | ||
| Salman Rushdie. | ||
| Salman Rushdie. | ||
| These guys are like... | ||
| All these guys. | ||
| He supported it. | ||
| Yeah, there's the Cat Stevens version, and then there's the teabagger version, and it's always like, they explain their general, look, it's about peace, it's about pilgrimage, spirituality, or whatever, and you go like, okay, I'm down, I'm down, I'm down, and then they always do something, and you go, alright, now I get it, you're an asshole. | ||
| He's fucking crazy. | ||
| I mean, look, Islam is a strange one to convert to. | ||
| It's like when Glenn Beck became a Mormon, Yeah, you know, and like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| You're like a fucking grown man? | ||
| You're a grown man and you become a Mormon? | ||
| It's one thing if you're like born a Mormon, raised a Mormon. | ||
| I had a joke that I was doing in my act where the reason why Mormons are so anti-gay marriage is because they're afraid of gay people, rightly so, because if someone could talk you into being a Mormon... | ||
| They can probably talk you into sucking their dick. | ||
| It's a matter of how much alone time they spend with you. | ||
| What won't you believe, you fuck? | ||
| It is weird when people discover stuff at, you know, age 37. I feel like my brain, like the cement in the sidewalk of my brain was dry to almost any other ideas at that point. | ||
| Well, you could break that cement open with some mushrooms. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, I have. | ||
| I'm sure you have. | ||
| I have, yeah. | ||
| I had this idea, too, though, speaking of the gays. | ||
| You'll dig this idea. | ||
| Again, this is more just stone talk. | ||
| But there's this race that's really fun. | ||
| It's called the 24 Hours of Lemons. | ||
| And it's not 24 hours of La Mall. | ||
| It's lemons. | ||
| You take a piece of shit car and you're up against a bunch of other $500 cars and it's a 24 hour race of piece of shit. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Sounds fun. | ||
| So someone says, well, how do you know that some guy's not going to spend $10,000 on a car, put like a souped up engine in it and all that? | ||
| How can you confirm that everyone here hasn't spent more than $500 on their entry? | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| And the guy said, here's how we do it. | ||
| We have a giant bulldozer, just like a rock crusher, just like a backhoe thing, just a cruncher. | ||
| And we will go up and down the line to everyone who enters the race, every race, and we'll pick one car. | ||
| Right. | ||
| because you look too slick or we think you don't want to be the nicest car at that thing. | ||
| You don't want to spend $10,000 because they'll crunch you. | ||
| And then I thought, this is how they should do the gay games. | ||
| Because I thought, how do you know everyone in this game is gay? | ||
| Maybe there's some straight guy who wants to just gay bash legally, right? | ||
| So how do they know, like, Brock Lesnar wouldn't enter the boxing competition and go, yeah, I suck cocky. | ||
| You know, and just be in there and just beat the shit out of a bunch of gay guys. | ||
| This will be the greatest thing ever. | ||
| So I said, they should do it the same way they do the 24 Hours of Lemons. | ||
| It's that they line up all the guys for the gay games and one guy just walks in front of them and stops in front of one dude and goes, suck my cock. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That would keep this one straight dude away. | ||
| Just a 1% chance. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| There'd be a few dudes who would risk it. | ||
| They'd just fucking sweat out that lottery. | ||
| Joe's right. | ||
| They got emergency ecstasy in their pocket. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, the emergency ecstasy probably would do it, too. | |
| No, because then you'd write about to suck the cock and you'd realize people are going to see this. | ||
| This is going to make it on YouTube. | ||
| 1980, you could pull that off. | ||
| What was your first car? | ||
| I thought you were going to say cock. | ||
| What was your first cock? | ||
| My first car was a Mazda pickup truck. | ||
| A 79 Mazda long bed. | ||
| It used to have a bench seat in it, but someone took out the bench seat and put dinette seats in it. | ||
| So it was theoretically bucket seats, but they came from someone's living room. | ||
| So it wasn't awesome. | ||
| How did you get wrapped up in loving cars? | ||
| Did you... | ||
| I was deprived early on of all things mechanical and I had a wrenching gene. | ||
| The wrenching gene, the wrencher gene, the mechanical gene, it's no different than the musical one. | ||
| You know, you always, whenever they say, they talk about a drummer, like, oh, Tommy Lee was banging on pots and pans in the kitchen when he was three, so eventually broke down and got him a drum kit, and he's never left it since, you know? | ||
| So, whatever. | ||
| He had that gene. | ||
| And some people have a musical gene and some people have it for math and some people have it for conversation or socializing or whatever, science, whatever. | ||
| There is a mechanical gene and if you have it, unless somebody gets you that equivalent of a drum kit, you'll just fucking go nuts. | ||
| And I always lived in the valley and had shitty parents with no money and lived in crappy apartments. | ||
| So I was just going nuts. | ||
| I would go to other kids' houses and use their garages and use their tools and I never had a garage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, when I got older, I then went nuts with it, but I realized I didn't have any money. | ||
| So, I had to sort of shut that part of my brain off, sort of like being really, really into high-end strippers, but working at an Arby's. | ||
| At a certain point, you go, just go home and beat off. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Banging your head against the wall here. | ||
| It ain't gonna happen. | ||
| So I'm working as a carpenter. | ||
| I don't have any money, so I have to drive a pickup truck. | ||
| So I'm like, ah, just screw it. | ||
| And at a certain point, I made money. | ||
| And then once I made money, I said, it's time to overcompensate. | ||
| And that's where I'm at now. | ||
| Do you have an addiction? | ||
| I'd say it is. | ||
| I mean, in the sense, I think about it more than I think about other things. | ||
| You were gonna do the American version of Top Gear, right? | ||
| Yeah, I did the pilot, yeah. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What happened is about the worst sort of combination that can happen when you're trying to be gainfully employed. | ||
| Did the Top Gear pilot with all the British guys, I was sort of the lead guy, came out really, really good, really strong. | ||
| Everyone... | ||
| I could tell it was good because all the hardcore blogger guys who are really deep into this world, the Top Gear world, they're international and they're just a bunch of car tech nerd guys who love to get on the computer and talk shit about nothing. | ||
| They love to say not as good as the one in the UK, but they all showed up at the taping. | ||
| They did secret taping somewhere. | ||
| Some of it's like 700 people showed up. | ||
| And they all got back to their computers and went, oh, it's every bit as good as the UK one. | ||
| It was for NBC, and it was right at the time that GM and Chrysler and... | ||
| Two of the big three, maybe it was Chrysler and GM, were heading to Congress, trying to get money from Congress to stay afloat. | ||
| They're making a big deal about them taking private jets to ask Congress for money. | ||
| And the show Knight Rider 2.0 was tanking completely in the ratings on NBC. So they're like... | ||
| No car talk and no car shows, and they shelved it. | ||
| How fucking stupid is that? | ||
| Then I got another sitcom development deal with NBC, and right at the time that happened, it got picked up by the History Channel or Discovery, whatever it's on. | ||
| It got picked up for 13 episodes. | ||
| So they called me, and they're like, oh, good news, we got picked up. | ||
| And then I'm like, no, I'm actually doing another pilot for NBC that's a sitcom, so I can't do it. | ||
| So they went ahead and did that, and guess who sitcom pilot didn't get picked up? | ||
| So 0 for 2, essentially. | ||
| It's like, you couldn't fuck it up any more than that. | ||
| See, that's one of the beautiful things about the podcast, is that it's so difficult to fucking develop a show. | ||
| It's so difficult. | ||
| I've tried developing sitcoms, I've had development deals, I've had... | ||
| I've been from the ground floor. | ||
| I've been brought in during pilots to try to make it better. | ||
| There's so many people involved and so many opinions and producers and network executives. | ||
| It's so difficult. | ||
| One of the beautiful things about the podcast is there's no one. | ||
| I mean, for you, you have a few people that you've hired that figure out your audio stuff and your video stuff, but there's no one to tell you anything. | ||
| It's just you. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| It's so beautiful. | ||
| There's nothing like this. | ||
| It is, at least it is the vision of the artist. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| And as I've always said, what piece of art, whether it was a painting or a symphony, got better because 14 people tried to clusterfuck it, you know? | ||
| And by the way, whether you're talking about NBC or CBS, five post-menopausal broads who never made a human being laugh in their life get involved creatively. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, can you... | ||
| What goes on during the high... | ||
| I mean, most of the executives in the world of... | ||
| And listen, I'm not speaking as a bidder whoever. | ||
| They paid me my money. | ||
| I did my thing. | ||
| I have no qualms with them. | ||
| And I'm not... | ||
| I'm coming from an angle of, oh man, I'd love to kiss their ass and get another bite of the apple. | ||
| I'm not coming from an angle of, I'm a bitter, jilted sitcom pilot star that didn't get on the air. | ||
| I'm just coming from the angle of the truth. | ||
| And these people are not funny. | ||
| At all. | ||
| Now, the thing is, that's okay. | ||
| Most people aren't funny. | ||
| Just don't try to direct funny. | ||
| But my mom doesn't tell me what set to do before I go out on stage. | ||
| And so, not being funny and Being heavily immersed in comedy and funny and explaining to people how to be funny and what is funny is not going to create a better product. | ||
| And my fantasy, and a lot of them are women, a lot of them are dudes who don't talk and even have a little bit of a sour, dour look to themselves. | ||
| When they go back to their high school reunion... | ||
| In like Michigan or wherever they're from. | ||
| And they say to their buddies who they haven't seen in 30 years, where are you up to? | ||
| Were you living in California? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| What are you doing for a living? | ||
| And they go, I'm the head of comedy programming on NBC or I'm the head of comedy programming on a major network. | ||
| The people they went to high school with must go... | ||
| Get the fuck out of here! | ||
| You've never said a fucking funny thing in your life! | ||
| Are you nuts? | ||
| You've never... | ||
| I never heard you fucking say a thing that made another human being smile. | ||
| What'd you do, stand-up all through college? | ||
| Like, could you imagine how fucking confusing it would be? | ||
| Because to a layperson, and remember when you were a layperson, you thought, well, if somebody's the head of comedy whatever... | ||
| This dude must be the funniest cat in the land, right? | ||
| He must know funny, at least. | ||
| At least. | ||
| And he's going to be a student of funny. | ||
| He's going to be a fat guy named Marty. | ||
| You go to his office. | ||
| There's Groucho Marx photos from the 30s. | ||
| Oh, he's going to love it. | ||
| He's going to love it. | ||
| He's going to be able to do Bill Cosby bits and Bob Hope bits and everybody's bit just verbatim, just back to you, like a savant, instead of looking at you and going, I never heard of Mr. Show. | ||
| Is that one guy? | ||
| Who said that to you? | ||
| I pitched a... | ||
| Well, first off, sometimes you're talking to like 29-year-old chicks who fucking haven't heard of All in the Family. | ||
| Yeah, with a clipboard and a confused look on their face. | ||
| And you're like, wow, I'm selling something to you for real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It is just, again, it's the death of all art, which is a bunch of opinions. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I mean, even if someone stood next to Michelangelo and had a decent opinion, it still would have fucked it up to some degree. | ||
| Even a helpful opinion. | ||
| Well, especially comedy because comedy is all about one unique opinion. | ||
| It's all about one person's point of view. | ||
| When you start getting a bunch of other people intersecting their points of view into your point of view, then it's not yours anymore. | ||
| What makes someone funny? | ||
| Talking about Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson is my favorite. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| And his point of view is always crass and slightly... | ||
| It's uniquely his, whether he has writers or not, you know? | ||
| He does. | ||
| I'm sure he does. | ||
| I mean, I'm being a dick, but I met him. | ||
| He came out when I did the podcast, and he was... | ||
| I'm sorry, did the car... | ||
| Everything's a podcast now. | ||
| When I did Top Gear, and he came up as the nicest guy in the world, and I was just improvising up a storm, and he came right up to me and he said, I could not do what you do. | ||
| I do not do that. | ||
| And I said, oh, thanks for the compliment. | ||
| And he said, no, I mean it. | ||
| I have my stuff figured out. | ||
| I don't know if he has writers. | ||
| Well, he writes himself. | ||
| He figures his stuff out and then does it in such a matter-of-fact sort of way that it feels so organic. | ||
| It doesn't necessarily to me. | ||
| It feels like it's well written, but it feels like it's his, you know what I mean? | ||
| Well, coming from your trained eye and ear, but I'll bet to the average bloke, it feels very off the cuff. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Man, I don't know. | ||
| It doesn't seem off the cuff at all to me. | ||
| Well, it's because when he's driving and he's having this visceral experience and he starts sliding in a corner and he yells, you know, this thing's smoother than the Queen Mother's rear end. | ||
| It feels like he's having this experience, you know. | ||
| Right, okay. | ||
| That's why it feels like it to me. | ||
| And I'm sure it's all canned, but you know there's no teleprompter and it feels like this, again, this experience that's transcending just the voice. | ||
| You can tell that that guy really fucking loves cars. | ||
| When he reviewed the Corvette ZR1, and he's sliding sideways down this road, and he's screaming, Well done, fat man from Kentucky! | ||
| This is a masterpiece! | ||
| And he's just sideways, blowing smoke out of the tires, stomping on that 648 horsepower engine. | ||
| You're hearing the roar. | ||
| You can tell that guy's really loving that. | ||
| He was driving one of those that I think was a Callaway or something, you know, had the turbo on it, probably had 900 horsepower. | ||
| When I met him down at, like, El Toro, he just was burning out. | ||
| I mean, yeah, I mean, not on camera or anything, just... | ||
| I was yelling at Steve Coogan, who's an English comedian who criticized... | ||
| Jeremy Clarkson said something about Mexico, said that the reason why Mexico doesn't have good people in the Olympics is because all of their people who can run, swim, or jump have already gotten over the fence. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And people were shitting on him. | ||
| Apparently Steve Coogan was just joking. | ||
| Apparently he's like a joker and they're friends or something like that. | ||
| So sorry, Mr. Coogan. | ||
| Oh, he wasn't really. | ||
| Yeah, he wasn't really shitting. | ||
| I guess it was his sense of humor. | ||
| I just missed the mark. | ||
| Comedians making jokes, is that, you know, in terms of society, in terms of fixing the ills of society and looking for someone to point a finger at and create some sort of social change, comedians telling jokes. | ||
| Why is it at the top of everyone's list? | ||
| I mean, a newscaster, you know, politician, clergyman, there's a chief of police. | ||
| When those guys make an off-color remark, then maybe you should say something about it. | ||
| But when a comedian says something, don't you already know inherently by his title? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That it's a joke. | ||
| I was having this exact conversation last night with Daniel Tosh about comedians going after comedians, because, you know, Coogan going after Jeremy Clarkson, and we were talking about David Cross going after Larry the Cable Guy, which is one of the most confusing things. | ||
| I like David Cross, and I like Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| I think Larry the Cable Guy is funny. | ||
| Is he the greatest comic in the world? | ||
| Well, that's up to you. | ||
| For some people, he is. | ||
| He's a good joke writer. | ||
| He's got a good character. | ||
| I think it's good. | ||
| There's nothing wrong Absolutely not. | ||
| And I would never go after one of those guys, because it always just seems like sour grapes. | ||
| Like, alright, you're not selling out ultradomes. | ||
| And thus, you're pissed off about it. | ||
| And this is what I got accused of when we were attacking Mencia. | ||
| But I was like, look, man, there's a lot going on. | ||
| I'm not going after them. | ||
| It's not a sour grapes issue. | ||
| It's an artistic issue. | ||
| When you go after someone who's doing something you don't agree with, you don't like his material, obviously someone does. | ||
| Are you saying that your sense of humor is the only one that's valid? | ||
| You can't enjoy Larry the Cable Guy? | ||
| No one can enjoy it? | ||
| Well, he's a racist, and he says racist things. | ||
| No, he says a lot of things that a guy that was Larry the Cable Guy would fucking say, dummy. | ||
| And it would be funny. | ||
| You're talking about a guy in a flannel t-shirt with cut-off sleeves, talking about arabs, them arabs, them tail heads. | ||
| That's what he would say. | ||
| It's a fucking character. | ||
| Well, listen, you know, Andrew Dice Clay did the same thing. | ||
| Except Andrew kind of became that guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Andrew, you know, the Dice Clay, Andrew was Andrew Silverstein, and the Dice Man was one of his many characters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He would go up and do John Travolta. | ||
| His fucking John Travolta is deadly. | ||
| He would go up and do all these different characters, and the Dice Man just killed so much, it eventually became him. | ||
| And then, you know, everywhere he goes, he's wearing weightlifting gloves and leather jackets and shit. | ||
| Well, I think... | ||
| He's had to re... | ||
| What happens with these careers is... | ||
| Gilligan, you know, a year after Gilligan's Island goes off the air goes, Bob Denver goes, fuck this. | ||
| I'm not wearing that stupid white hat and the red crew neck sweater thing and the white boat pants like bullshit. | ||
| And then he does about 10 years of this is bullshit. | ||
| And then he does about five years of soul searching. | ||
| And then at some point he opens the closet and grabs that hat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And says, you know what? | |
| I'm going down to open that fucking boat show in Long Beach and walk out of here with nine grand. | ||
| And then starts to wax nostalgic about it. | ||
| So I think the Dice Man put down the pack of cigarettes in the leather vest and said, I'm going to do some other things. | ||
| And at a certain point realized, I ain't paying the bills doing this. | ||
| Do you remember when he had a sitcom? | ||
| He went clean for a while? | ||
| He had a sitcom on CBS and it was called Bless This House or something like that? | ||
| Wasn't it called that? | ||
| It was like when Kiss went unmasked. | ||
| And it was with the woman from Raging Bull. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck is her name? | ||
| Salmon Roshky. | ||
| I mean, Salad. | ||
| What the fuck was her name? | ||
| Because she was super hot and then she got chubby as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, she's... | ||
| No, not D'Angelo. | ||
| What the fuck is her name? | ||
| Kathy Moriarty. | ||
| Moriarty. | ||
| She was hot as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, you know, much like all of us. | ||
| She fell apart. | ||
| I saw the Daisy Duke girl at a comic book convention. | ||
| It was the saddest thing you will ever see. | ||
| Her sitting there with her little shorts, but they weren't as short as they used to be. | ||
| And she's just sitting there, no one talking to her, no one even knowing that she's sitting there. | ||
| I just walk up and I'm like, this is Daisy Duke right here. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, you're signing autographs? | ||
| And she goes, $25. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I was like, can I take a picture? | ||
| And she goes, yeah, that's $10. | ||
| I'm like, no, it's with my camera. | ||
| And she goes, yeah, it's $10. | ||
| But it was the saddest thing ever. | ||
| I'm like, no, thank you. | ||
| And I just walked away and this little Daisy Duke just sat in the corner by herself sitting at a folding chair. | ||
| Can I tell you something that's sadder? | ||
| Moments ago when Joe was like, You know, what's the name of that author? | ||
| And they put the fatwa on the guy, remember? | ||
| And wrote satanic verses. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| What was the name of that guy? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah. | ||
| You know that author, remember? | ||
| He had to hide because they put a hit on him. | ||
| And Cat Stevens gave it two thumbs up. | ||
| And what's the name of that author? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, I damn couldn't tell you. | ||
| But when you're like, I saw Daisy Duke, Catherine Bach. | ||
| Fucking sad. | ||
| Well, when we were kids, she was hot as fuck! | ||
| It's just sad that that's where my knowledge base is. | ||
| She's not that old, though. | ||
| How old is she? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She looked probably about 50. So it's just the booze. | |
| Is it booze? | ||
| It looked just like sadness. | ||
| It was just sadness. | ||
| It's booze or drugs. | ||
| It's amazing how the booze really jacks you. | ||
| Those little freckles weren't there as much anymore. | ||
| Oh, she's done. | ||
| But then you look at, like, Christy Brinkley's still hot as fuck. | ||
| Somehow or another, she's keeping it together, and she's like 53. I have this fun imaginary game I like to play when I get stoned, which is sort of the X. It's a cross, okay? | ||
| And let's say when you were in... | ||
| Junior high, let's say you're in the seventh grade, for the sake of argument, and Dukes of Hazzard is hitting its prime. | ||
| And they're blowing up the outhouse with the crossbow and whatnot. | ||
| And you're just sitting there and you're seeing an episode that has Katherine Bach... | ||
| And then tight Daisy Dukes. | ||
| And she does that thing where she leans over the open hood and the steam comes out and everything. | ||
| And now there you are, little Peckerwood in New Jersey in seventh grade. | ||
| Now, you're at the bottom of each X. You couldn't get further away. | ||
| It's not like you stole a bus ticket to L.A. You could fuck Catherine Bach. | ||
| No way. | ||
| You're a million miles away. | ||
| So true. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But now, now you start heading up the legs of the X. Just a good old man. | ||
| Now, we move on ten years. | ||
| Never made me. | ||
| Joe's a stand-up comedian, getting started, having a little success, making a little money, growing into his body. | ||
| He's become sexual, sexually charged. | ||
| He's 23, 22, 23 years of age. | ||
| Dukes of Hazzard's been off the air. | ||
| 15 years. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Let's say it's been off 10 years. | ||
| But she's still 36. Still looking pretty tight. | ||
| But Joe's not looking too bad either. | ||
| Joe's starting to do a little stand-up. | ||
| At what point, Joe? | ||
| At what point do you cross her? | ||
| At a certain point... | ||
| I mean, when you were in the 7th grade... | ||
| You would have sold your fucking soul and killed your stepmom to get one lick of that pussy, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But now... | ||
| Now she's repulsive. | ||
| If I asked you this second, well then obviously you guys crossed. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What year did you cross? | ||
| That's my game. | ||
| And then there's something like, ooh, you haven't crossed Christy Brinkley yet. | ||
| Or maybe you're meeting. | ||
| Maybe about nine months away from just hitting right in the middle. | ||
| No, Christy Brinkley's still above me. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, she's got me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she's still hot and she's 53. No, she's like 57. Oh, Jesus! | |
| That's my point. | ||
| She's going to be 62. Well, maybe I crossed her at 57. But she looks great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe she doesn't. | ||
| With TV, you can never really tell. | ||
| I'll have to ask Christine. | ||
| We'll see what we can agree to. | ||
| It'll be an awesome conversation. | ||
| Yeah, the Catherine Bach thing, it all depends on how much Catherine Bach took care of herself, whether or not she was still in movies. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's some women that even though they've kind of deteriorated, they still have a level of respectability. | ||
| You're doing news, radio, she's been off TV for 14 years, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Once Fear Factor happened, I had her. | ||
| She was mine. | ||
| She was mine when I was hosting. | ||
| If I wanted to get Catherine. | ||
| I'd work out some sort of bracket list, you know what I mean? | ||
| Where just really you could find all the chicks you wanted to fuck when you were in the 8th grade and see when you crossed them. | ||
| There's nothing stranger than watching a woman go from being beautiful and having ultimate power. | ||
| A really super hot chick, a super hot 21-year-old chick, it's almost voodoo. | ||
| Their body and the way they move and the way they smell and if they like you and if they're smart, too, and if you're not sure if you can get them. | ||
| It's like, goddamn! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| It's almost fucking voodoo. | ||
| It's ultimate power. | ||
| It's super celebrity power. | ||
| The reason why celebrities get so ridiculously fucked up. | ||
| Trump's everything. | ||
| The reason why celebrities get so ridiculously big-headed is because everywhere you go, people are kissing your ass. | ||
| Everywhere you go, people are, here's free bottle service. | ||
| Here's a limousine for free. | ||
| Please eat at my restaurant. | ||
| You're amazing. | ||
| You've changed my life. | ||
| And you start thinking you really are the shit. | ||
| That is an awesome thought, Mr. Rhodes. | ||
| But girls, from the moment they're little, from the moment they're little, you're so cute, you're so beautiful, and then they're in high school, then it becomes currency. | ||
| It becomes the thing that defines them. | ||
| And then it goes away. | ||
| And it goes away slowly. | ||
| It goes away weird, where they start looking like that rough bar girl, you know, like still hot, but in her 30s, but, you know, you can see her at a cigarette and Maybe I get a couple of shots of jacking you and let's just go fuck in the woods. | ||
| Just some crazy bitch. | ||
| She's not the 21-year-old girl who's the cheerleader who's impossible to get. | ||
| Now she's this wild bitch who's just, you feel for her. | ||
| She's trying to pay her bills. | ||
| She's been divorced. | ||
| And then eventually they become monsters. | ||
| They become this weird thing, especially if they go down the surgery route. | ||
| Please, ladies, please, just get old. | ||
| Don't go crazy. | ||
| Don't fuck with your lips and your neck and all that nutty shit that does not make you look better. | ||
| It makes you look different. | ||
| And that different is not a good different. | ||
| It's a weird monster different. | ||
| Well, also, you guys are going through, historically, a bad phase because your mother didn't have to worry about plastic surgery because it didn't really exist. | ||
| And your daughter won't really have to worry about it because they'll have perfected it. | ||
| Even worse, they'll have genetic engineering. | ||
| Yeah, you're in the experimental phase and it ain't working out. | ||
| It's sort of like CGI. It's a bad generation because our folks were watching movies that every stunt was an actual stunt just done by a dude who didn't give a shit. | ||
| And our kids enjoy CGI that works so effectively you can't tell. | ||
| We went through a whole phase where we had to watch... | ||
| Shitty movies with really bad effects. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because they were perfecting it on our watch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we were sitting in the theater. | ||
| Well, now we're in the theater of plastic surgery and all you women, it's essentially, it's the 50 year experimental phase while they're working on it and you're looking like shit. | ||
| Yeah, you know, I have to compliment you, because Brian Callum said this about you, and it's absolutely the truth. | ||
| You are the best at taking one scenario, whatever it is, and just going on this fucking rant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pretty amazing. | |
| And coming to these awesome conclusions, you know? | ||
| Oh, thanks. | ||
| You're dead on about it. | ||
| I love that Brian Callum, by the way. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| Because I ran into that guy at a... | ||
| We're shooting a movie, and... | ||
| Just doing a little bit part and a little bit movie. | ||
| And Brian came up to me and he said, you know, you may be the best at doing this improv stuff. | ||
| And I said, I don't know. | ||
| There's probably other guys that do it better than me. | ||
| And he said, who? | ||
| And I said, I don't know. | ||
| And he said, well, someone's got to be the best. | ||
| And I said, I don't know. | ||
| I guess they do. | ||
| And he said, well, then that's you. | ||
| And I was like, all right. | ||
| He told this exact story and those exact words. | ||
| I walked away. | ||
| I've never fucking felt better in my life. | ||
| It's true, man. | ||
| You go on these wild rants, but they come to conclusions. | ||
| They come to great conclusions. | ||
| I don't know how you generate material or if any of this stuff you've already talked about on stage, but seriously, go back and listen to this podcast with a fucking notebook. | ||
| And there's like three good bits in there. | ||
| At least. | ||
| I never listen to anything or go back and revisit anything. | ||
| Hire someone to do it. | ||
| Hire one of your folks. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| That's how I wrote the book. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| I just said, you have to listen to all this stuff and find the stuff out. | ||
| But it's always sad because I've tried it a few times. | ||
| And a few times, the guys have gone and listened to a couple of shows. | ||
| And then I go, find anything good? | ||
| And they're like, not so much. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| Oh, you mean I didn't say anything fucking good? | ||
| You gotta get a better guy. | ||
| Yeah, you get a better guy, they get a little better crab comb. | ||
| Get a guy and make him get high before he watches you. | ||
| That's very important. | ||
| We were talking about this. | ||
| You know, a lot of people say, oh, you're always talking about pot. | ||
| Why are you always talking about pot? | ||
| Because it's fucking awesome. | ||
| And it's awesome, and it has this terrible reputation, this wrong, incorrect reputation because of fucking Nancy Reagan and Just Say No and Nixon and all that nonsense and propaganda that they force-fed you. | ||
| It is a plant that is here, and it has benefits. | ||
| There's great benefits for your mind. | ||
| And to pretend that it doesn't. | ||
| To me, it's ridiculous. | ||
| We did a few things. | ||
| We started lumping drugs in under one umbrella. | ||
| Absolutely true. | ||
| Just like you would no sooner do it with, you were just talking about women. | ||
| Hey, Joe, I would like to set you up with woman. | ||
| You'd be like, what color's her hair? | ||
| How tall is she? | ||
| How old is she? | ||
| What's a cup size? | ||
| Or when someone says you hate women. | ||
| Yeah, it's not women. | ||
| Because you think one woman's a cunt. | ||
| It all just became drugs and somehow methamphetamine and marijuana just sort of got lumped under the same umbrella. | ||
| You do drugs? | ||
| Fucking such a huge mistake. | ||
| And then the other thing that drives me insane about our legal system... | ||
| When they pulled those guys over who went on to rob the North Hollywood Bank over there on Laurel Canyon, those crazy motherfuckers who were like... | ||
| And by the way, they were beaked out of their mind on uppers and that's why... | ||
| And steroids as well. | ||
| And steroids and everything else. | ||
| But all right. | ||
| They pulled those dudes over in like Eagle Rock and they popped the trunk of their car and they found ski masks, police scanners, body armor, maps, automatic weapons that were modified maps, automatic weapons that were modified illegally. | ||
| I mean, semi-automatic weapons that were modified to go full automatic with armor piercing rounds and extended banana clips and stuff. | ||
| They found everything in the trunk of their car that basically said, oh, these guys are on their way to rob a bank. | ||
| When they arrested them, they could not get them for attempted bank robbery because the law says, hey, man, we got to catch you robbing a bank. | ||
| Just because you're driving around with police scanners and armor-piercing bullets and ski masks doesn't mean you're going to rob a bank. | ||
| We know practically it means you're going to rob a bank. | ||
| But the way our law system works is you have to rob a bank and then we will... | ||
| We'll prosecute you for robbing a bank. | ||
| And we all agree, alright, that's how it works. | ||
| And these guys got locked up for a little something something. | ||
| And when they got out, they gave them back a lot of their police scanners and a lot of their shit that was their property. | ||
| Fine. | ||
| Then they robbed the bank and then they had the North Hollywood shootout, which was completely and utterly insane. | ||
| But the point is this. | ||
| prosecute them for robbing a bank before they rob the bank. | ||
| And how come when you get busted for more than a shoebox full of marijuana or even a coffee can full of marijuana, you get intent to distribute? | ||
| They don't have to catch you distributing. | ||
| Maybe I just like to stock up on weed. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's an insane part of the law to me because every other thing works is we need a body for murder and we need a witness for attempted murder. | ||
| This is the only thing where they go, you were going to do with this pot even though they never caught you doing anything with it. | ||
| And again, maybe you like to shop like you shop at Smart and Final or Costco where you just want a 55-gallon drum of garbanzo beans and that's your fucking business. | ||
| That's how I used to do it before the weed stores came around. | ||
| I used to buy in bulk because I didn't want to deal with these guys. | ||
| There was a dude named Jake the Snake that was Eddie Bravo's friend that we used to have to fucking deal with and we used to buy weed from him. | ||
| He was so stupid. | ||
| Eddie Bravo's black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu choked out. | ||
| One of the first guys to ever choke out a Gracian competition. | ||
| And this fucking idiot was like, man, you couldn't do that shit to me. | ||
| Eddie had to strangle this kid three times on his fucking front lawn. | ||
| You can't do that again. | ||
| You got lucky. | ||
| He had to do it again and again and again. | ||
| I mean, this kid was so stupid. | ||
| And we were buying weed from him. | ||
| And so, you know, I would just buy a big pile of it. | ||
| You'd never have to deal with that guy. | ||
| Just go, please shut the fuck up. | ||
| Here's the money. | ||
| Please shut the fuck up. | ||
| It's just so sad that you can't, as a homeowner and a taxpayer, just plant a pot plant in your backyard. | ||
| Well, you can now, but the problem is, federally, you can't. | ||
| You can state-wise. | ||
| As far as the state's concerned, it depends on each county has a different law, but you can have a certain amount of plants and a certain amount of pot. | ||
| You can have up to like a half a pound of pot and up to X amount of plants as long as you have a medical recommendation. | ||
| Or if you have a waiver, you can get even more plants, which I do. | ||
| I have a waiver because I need extra. | ||
| Just because I could. | ||
| My mom had a pot. | ||
| Do you need a waiver? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, give me that fucking waiver, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| And you don't even use it. | ||
| My mom had a pot plant in her backyard when I was like in the sixth grade. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I told my buddy, Hamid... | ||
| And the next day it was gone. | ||
| He stole it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I'm just doing the Hamid math on that one. | ||
| Wow, what a douchebag Hamid is. | ||
| Yeah, I never told my mom. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I guess if she's a big Joe Rogan podcaster, she's going to hear it. | ||
| Sorry, Mom. | ||
| Yeah, and the weed thing is... | ||
| I've said this many times, and I think I said it in my book. | ||
| Here's the difference between weed and other drugs. | ||
| I would rather have one... | ||
| Thousand guys that smoked weed live in my neighborhood rather than one tweaker. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Just one fucking meth head. | ||
| Yeah, one meth head and you see him, you're like, I think we need to get rid of that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You should think about killing him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like there's a disease person. | ||
| It's like, I'm watching the show Walking Dead. | ||
| I just bought the DVD. The set, pretty fucking badass. | ||
| Good zombie show. | ||
| But, you know, there comes a point in the show where, you know, people get bit and they're all sitting around trying to figure what are we going to do. | ||
| And some people want to kill the guy and some people don't. | ||
| But, you know, a meth head is just like a zombie. | ||
| It's like, this guy's infected. | ||
| I mean, this guy's fucked up. | ||
| He could do anything. | ||
| He could kill you. | ||
| He could do anything to try to get this shit. | ||
| They have terrible decision-making capabilities. | ||
| They're almost like just a high-functioning zombie. | ||
| I mean, it really is. | ||
| Yeah, and the idea that... | ||
| I haven't checked recent statistics, but about five years ago, this country spent more on pot eradication than it did on meth. | ||
| And that's... | ||
| Utterly insane. | ||
| It's just insane. | ||
| It's just a financial thing. | ||
| It's 100% a financial thing. | ||
| And there's a huge industry in keeping marijuana illegal. | ||
| As far as law enforcement, as far as the people in pharmaceutical companies, they want marijuana to stay illegal. | ||
| There's a lot of bad fucking cops out there when it comes to drugs. | ||
| And one of the things they do, and this is a common thing in the grower community, they rob pot dealers. | ||
| Cops do. | ||
| And they did it to a friend of mine. | ||
| A friend of mine was growing, and his neighbor turned him in. | ||
| Well, he was growing legally. | ||
| So the cops came, and they ask him questions, and they go over all of his shit, and he goes, okay, you're all right, you're legal. | ||
| And then a couple weeks later, he gets home invaded, okay? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, by cops! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| By fucking cops. | ||
| The guy says, freeze. | ||
| Pulls a gun on him and he goes, freeze. | ||
| And my friend goes, freeze? | ||
| What the fuck are you saying? | ||
| What are you, a fucking cop? | ||
| And the guy panics and shuts up, and it became this crazy fucking situation where he even is pretty sure he knows who the cops are, but can't say anything because he doesn't want the cops coming after him. | ||
| He had a fucking move. | ||
| He had a move because he got robbed by cops. | ||
| What's up with the neighbors? | ||
| That's my big question. | ||
| What's up with the fucking neighbors? | ||
| I've had so many shitball douchebag neighbors who called the cops over nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Got, like, building departments involved with things. | ||
| Like, I've never had a cool neighbor. | ||
| I had no idea that there would be this many ass-wipes. | ||
| Like, I mean, I've had... | ||
| I had a New Year's Eve party where the cops showed up at 9.45 on a Saturday night on New Year's Eve, which meant the guy called them at 9. Or, you know, it takes cops a good hour to fucking roll on one of those calls. | ||
| Somebody called on New Year's Eve... | ||
| At like 8.45 to come to my house. | ||
| It wasn't raging already. | ||
| It was just a bunch of people sitting around having a beer. | ||
| And the fucking cops showed up at 9.45. | ||
| And the cops walked in and I said, you want me to turn the stereo down? | ||
| And they said, not if you don't want to. | ||
| And I said, even the cops knew, hey, look, if it's 4 a.m. | ||
| and you guys are just fucking cranking helter skelter as loud as you can, well then there's going to be a problem. | ||
| But... | ||
| I walked in, looked around, and just went, oh, this is bullshit. | ||
| And I realized this one person who was sitting home alone wanted the 150 people to all go home because he wanted to fucking finish watching his Hannity and Combs or whatever the fuck was on at 10 o'clock. | ||
| And it's like, what the fuck? | ||
| I've never called the cops in my life. | ||
| I'll put earplugs in, I'll put a shade on, I'll put a pillow. | ||
| I'll knock on your door and go, hey man, this shit's really loud. | ||
| Is there anything we could just lower it a little? | ||
| I mean, if it's really crazy. | ||
| When I lived in apartments, you know, but I had good neighbors in the mountains. | ||
| The mountains, when I was living in Colorado, it was kind of interesting because... | ||
| You kind of have to help each other out up there. | ||
| You're all alone with mountain lions and bears and shit. | ||
| And they'd give good advice about what to do if a bear attacks you and shit like that. | ||
| But they were different up there. | ||
| But they were really far apart from each other. | ||
| Everybody was a drive. | ||
| Everybody was a quarter mile walking distance from each other. | ||
| Yeah, that helps. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it helps, man. | ||
| That's the worst thing about LA. And I'll tell you what, being on your podcast the other day completely reignited my escape from LA scenario. | ||
| And I've been talking to Mrs. Rogan about it, and we fucking started looking at houses in Boulder again. | ||
| We started talking to real estate guys about the move, I think, is we're going to probably look to get a summer place and then eventually try to move into the summer place and get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But the problem is the number, the number of people. | ||
| When you've got so many people and they're stacked on top of each other and, you know, there's one guy next door and his fucking dog is barking. | ||
| I was over at a friend's house the other day and right next door to her house, her dogs are, these dogs are barking like fucking crazy. | ||
| And then behind her, there's some other dogs and they hear these dogs barking. | ||
| So they come and triangulate the barking. | ||
| And there's barking from here and barking from there and everybody's jammed on top of each other and your fucking TV's too loud and your song's loud and everybody's laughing by the pool. | ||
| There's too much input. | ||
| There's too much. | ||
| No, listen, I agree. | ||
| Even on a personal level, you ever share a bachelor apartment with a chick or just like a single with a chick? | ||
| It's fucking almost impossible to get along. | ||
| It's just literal square footage. | ||
| When you're on top of each other, You're fucked. | ||
| You have to be so fucking compatible and so cool. | ||
| You know, when I tried it, I was 21 and the girl was 20 and we were both poor and we're both working. | ||
| You know, I was trying to be a comedian and she was trying to manage restaurants. | ||
| We never lived with anybody before. | ||
| We'd live with our fucking parents and all of a sudden we're living together. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| It was a terrible idea. | ||
| When me and Catherine Bach were shacked up in 79... | ||
| But the girl was great before that, and I was great before that. | ||
| I'm sure she probably thought, yeah, he's so fun and so much fun to hang out with. | ||
| I tell everybody, whenever they ask about relationship stuff, I just go, square footage. | ||
| When I go, what's your marital advice? | ||
| Square footage and two TVAs. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| Just be able to spread it out. | ||
| You'll learn to hate anyone you have to live on top of. | ||
| Do you appreciate when you go on the road? | ||
| When you go on the road and then you come home? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That makes, man, you know, when you're around, you know, everybody all the time. | ||
| He falls around you, around anybody. | ||
| When you're around them all the time, you know, you just get sick of them. | ||
| It's boring. | ||
| The same input is coming in over and over and over again. | ||
| And you start analyzing that input. | ||
| That's when people start going, why do you fucking do that thing with your fingernails? | ||
| What do you give a shit what I do with my fingernails? | ||
| Because they see you doing this all the time. | ||
| If they just met you and they saw you biting your nail, they'd go, oh, he's biting his nail. | ||
| It wouldn't be a big deal. | ||
| But you live with someone and you see them biting their fucking nail every day. | ||
| You want to break their fingers off. | ||
| You're like, what are you doing, you crazy asshole? | ||
| When I go on the road, though, and I come back, I'm so thankful. | ||
| It's like reset. | ||
| Yeah, it makes me so much more enthusiastic about everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Plus... | |
| Sleeping on a shitty mattress with a jizz pentagram drawn into it. | ||
| It does make you miss your pillow just a little bit as well. | ||
| You're talking to Captain Jizz over here to my left. | ||
| This motherfucker throws loads on the walls. | ||
| He calls it Spider-Man. | ||
| When I'm at hotels, because I can. | ||
| Because you can't do it at home. | ||
| It's like a vacation, so you throw it everywhere. | ||
| That's rude, dude. | ||
| But, well, I guess the question is, because... | ||
| Really? | ||
| On the walls? | ||
| This is one of the reasons why when I go to hotels, every time I can, I get a suite. | ||
| Because I know guys like you are not going to get suites. | ||
| So I don't have to look at loads everywhere. | ||
| You literally throw it. | ||
| You don't blow it. | ||
| He shoots it in his hand and then throws it like Spider-Man. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Because it's fun. | ||
| Maybe I've turned the corner on this activity. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Now you start to like it. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Well, first, I thought you were just beating off into a wall. | ||
| Some poor lady from Guatemala has got to clean your loads off off of fucking photos. | ||
| She's not going to see it. | ||
| There's a picture of a man in a canoe fly fishing, and it's got a load on it. | ||
| She's got to scrape it off. | ||
| If you're at a nice hotel where they have black wallpaper, I wouldn't do it against the wall. | ||
| It's like these crappy hotels. | ||
| You know, it would be sweet retribution as if it was, let's say it was a hot, hot August night and you're staying at a bad motor lodge and the air conditioning's on the fritz and you're in the south. | ||
| You're in the deep south and you blow your load and you go to do your Spider-Man fling with it and it hits the ceiling fan. | ||
| It comes back into your eye. | ||
| You get pink eye. | ||
| And then you have to explain to the doctor that's your own load that gave you the pink eye. | ||
| I don't think that's enough. | ||
| I think he deserves more. | ||
| What? | ||
| I think you deserve more. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You deserve to get pregnant. | ||
| I had payback the other day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| What happened? | ||
| I don't even want to talk about it. | ||
| It's fucking disgusting. | ||
| Let's just say that I came and then somehow it ended on my lip snowballed, kind of, as a joke. | ||
| She thought it was funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Nothing. | ||
| I was getting a blowjob. | ||
| Came in her mouth. | ||
| She was kissing me and she spits it on my lip because she thought it was funny. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| I can't even watch the two-on-one porn when the guys are going at it at the same time. | ||
| I mean, I can watch it. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But what I mean is... | ||
| The other dude's jizz on you. | ||
| I feel like not enough is made of that in the porn world. | ||
| They'll both just bust a load on their tits, and then they'll both be slapping their dick on it. | ||
| It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. | ||
| You are commingling loads here. | ||
| That's bad, but how about when they're doing the double vagina thing, and they've got two dicks inside the pussy at the same time? | ||
| At that point in time, you're not even fucking a woman anymore. | ||
| You're using her vagina as a container so that you can rub dicks. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| Yeah, you might as well just get a tennis ball can and lube it up and get your buddy to shove his cock in it. | ||
| Yeah, this fucking pussy feels awesome, bro. | ||
| I don't even feel your balls against my balls. | ||
| It's just this pussy that feels so awesome, man. | ||
| You know, I think it takes a lot to be a male porn star. | ||
| I think that's the whole thing. | ||
| It takes a lot. | ||
| It takes meth. | ||
| It takes abuse. | ||
| It takes a stepfather. | ||
| I was talking to one guy. | ||
| It takes a lot of shit. | ||
| And I was like, I don't want to say these names, but I was talking to this one guy, and he goes, I was asking, have you ever met this other porn star? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, but you know, something's weird about him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, why? | |
| And he goes, he has his own sewing machine, and he always sews his own clothes, and I don't know, it's just something weird. | ||
| And I'm like, wait a second, what's going on here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what's weird. | ||
| But that's what's weird, is that he has this sewing machine. | ||
| You asshole, you like making clothes, you know? | ||
| Like, you know, I hear about Adam Carole all the time. | ||
| Adam Carole is a fucking carpenter, you know? | ||
| Adam Carole does, like, his own extensions on his house and shit, and you do all kinds of crazy work, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Nobody ever says, what the fuck is wrong with him, man? | ||
| What is he, sawing shit? | ||
| No, people go, wow, that's pretty badass. | ||
| Guy makes his own cabinets. | ||
| That's pretty fucking cool. | ||
| But you hear, guy makes his own clothes. | ||
| Like, fuck, you fucking queer. | ||
| What, you making your own clothes? | ||
| What, you got rhinestones all over him, too? | ||
| We got shiny shit on your clothes? | ||
| So you're gonna attract some cock? | ||
| You know, like, what is that? | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| We all wear clothes. | ||
| What is wrong with making clothes? | ||
| I know. | ||
| The weird part was having to be like, yeah, that is weird. | ||
| You have clothes. | ||
| You have clothes. | ||
| But if you have a clothing line, then you're cool again, right? | ||
| You're back. | ||
| If you make multiple clothes, then you're back. | ||
| 11-year-old Indonesians to make it for you, then it's hip again. | ||
| By the way, the higher primate Joey Diaz shirts are sold out. | ||
| They're sold out instantly. | ||
| Literally within an hour. | ||
| Really? | ||
| All of them sold out except for small. | ||
| We don't have small fans. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| So we need more guidos. | ||
| More guys wearing small shirts that don't really fit. | ||
| I got completely obsessed. | ||
| We're ordering new ones immediately. | ||
| I got completely obsessed with this guy named Louis Wayne. | ||
| Have you guys heard of who this guy is? | ||
| He's an artist from the late 1800s to early 1900s. | ||
| And the reason why I got obsessed with him is that he... | ||
| Oh, he used to spit his jizz at the canvas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He started getting schizophrenia. | ||
| And so his whole thing is he used to draw cats. | ||
| And he used to draw classic cats for like the New York Post or I don't know what. | ||
| Some famous newspaper. | ||
| But he started to draw cats and then he started getting really sick. | ||
| And all his cat pictures started turning into psychedelic DMT art. | ||
| Oh, I've seen that. | ||
| I've seen that with Alex Gray. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen those. | ||
| It's so interesting. | ||
| So I just got obsessed with this guy. | ||
| It's very interesting if you go online and look at it. | ||
| There's a book also. | ||
| Well, that's interesting you talk about that. | ||
| The neurochemistry of the brain is some fascinating shit. | ||
| And I've been experimenting recently with nootropics, different things that stimulate the mind, like different supplements for the mind. | ||
| And we just started creating one. | ||
| We've talked about this on the show. | ||
| I've got a piece of paper here that has all the information on it. | ||
| You want me to tell another Kareem Abdul-Jabbar story while you're looking for your nootropics? | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| I'll have all the information available, but I started taking it. | ||
| But all the people that are taking it, we've compounded all the best nootropics, put it together, and we're going to release it. | ||
| Because nobody has a brain formula, a really solid brain formula. | ||
| But all these people that are taking it, they're saying their memory's incredible, they're remembering all this weird shit from childhood. | ||
| And apparently if you take it right before you go to bed, you have fucking insane dreams. | ||
| I started taking it two days ago. | ||
| You started taking it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You feel it? | ||
| I do it when I wake up. | ||
| I guess I should do it when I go to bed. | ||
| But wait a minute. | ||
| Is that really a selling point? | ||
| Because I feel like... | ||
| Dreams? | ||
| Yeah, because like when I wake up, the best night's sleep I get is when people go like, what'd you dream about? | ||
| I'm like, uh... | ||
| You don't like that? | ||
| Oh, I love the dreams. | ||
| Crazy dreams always. | ||
| My dreams are never... | ||
| My dreams are rarely good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I have no dreams of grandeur. | ||
| And they're not even horror stories. | ||
| They're just sort of boring. | ||
| Like, I have these super mundane, boring dreams about... | ||
| Half of them are about high school football. | ||
| Except for I can't find my equipment and I never get in the game. | ||
| And the other ones are just sort of shitty jobs where it's like... | ||
| One of my dreams would be like, oh, you have this really shitty job and it sucks and you're bored. | ||
| And then, oh, there's this hot chick who works at the law firm that you're working at. | ||
| And then, but you never fuck her. | ||
| And it's like nothing ever happens. | ||
| And then I actually wake up and I go, oh man, I'm glad. | ||
| Like, I'm glad to be awake. | ||
| Like, whereas a lot of people... | ||
| Well, they wake up and they haven't won the Heisman Trophy and they're not fucking Lindsay Lohan and they're disappointed. | ||
| I wake up and go, I'm not working at a Circle K and driving my old Mazda pickup truck. | ||
| I'm actually relieved. | ||
| So I have these dreams that don't set me up. | ||
| I've never had a dream where I feel good. | ||
| Like, I'm better in my dream than I am in life. | ||
| That I've done things. | ||
| You guys need to rent the action movie of dreams. | ||
| Just get nicotine patches. | ||
| Rent the action movie of dreams? | ||
| This is like renting an action movie for dreams. | ||
| Take a nicotine patch, put it on right before you go to bed. | ||
| You'll have fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger-style dreams. | ||
| I mean, just fucking insane mysteries and action and helicopters. | ||
| Really? | ||
| A nicotine patch? | ||
| Yeah, because your nicotine receptors in your head stay awake to suck in the nicotine, so your brain's a little bit more awake than normal when you're dreaming. | ||
| That's why it says on the box, don't take it, but fuck, it's awesome. | ||
| It says don't take it at night because of that. | ||
| Because of that. | ||
| Do you have nightmares or dreams? | ||
| It's not nightmares. | ||
| It's fucking awesome shit. | ||
| Like fucking elevators. | ||
| Well, nicotine is a confidence-inspiring sort of... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nicotine is a good drug. | ||
| There should be a... | ||
| I would lobby the FDA to put two types of don't take this stickers. | ||
| There's the one where it says, do not take this with alcohol because your liver will explode. | ||
| And then there's don't take it with alcohol because you'll supersize it. | ||
| Like you essentially put it into six gear. | ||
| Now, the ones where I can wash it down with a couple of beers and feel that much better about myself, I'm all for that. | ||
| But I don't want my liver to explode. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you guys just have one sticker that says, no alcohol. | ||
| And I want to know which one. | ||
| Because I'll decide once I get that information. | ||
| I feel the same way with the don't take at night. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I highly recommend it, though. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So what level do you take? | ||
| I always go with level one. | ||
| What is level one? | ||
| Level one is your first week of quitting smoking. | ||
| Oh, so that's super strong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, if you just want to have it. | ||
| But I don't smoke, so what would I go with? | ||
| Just level one. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| That's eating like a quarter of mushrooms. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Is that strong in dreams? | ||
| Of dreams. | ||
| Wow, man. | ||
| Six hours of feeling like a Jean-Claude Van Damme circus. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Tobacco, but people don't understand, tobacco in itself, or nicotine in itself, is not a bad drug. | ||
| In fact, it's shown to have some benefits as far as people's hearts. | ||
| It actually is good for your heart. | ||
| The real problem comes with smoking it, and the real problem comes with the 599, these government cunts that have allowed these people to put 599 fucking different additives inside cigarettes, most of them designed just to make it more addictive. | ||
| If you look at that movie Inside Job, that Russell Crowe movie, which is based on a true story. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Inside Man? | ||
| It's close, yeah. | ||
| Whatever it was. | ||
| That's what jacks you. | ||
| Yeah, that was a great movie. | ||
| That's what jacks you. | ||
| It's all the chemicals. | ||
| I'm flashing forward here, Joe. | ||
| I'm flashing forward. | ||
| About 30 years. | ||
| I'm seeing the kids growing out of the house. | ||
| Wife's long gone. | ||
| You're up now. | ||
| You're in the hills. | ||
| You're in the hills of Colorado at this point. | ||
| Podcast still going strong. | ||
| Strong. | ||
| This time, several million listeners, mostly in China, but all over the place. | ||
| And now you're sitting there. | ||
| Mostly in China. | ||
| You're sitting there with a full beard, like a full gray beard, and some sort of bizarre marijuana suppository, like all day slow drip thing that just keeps you in a constant buzz, and you're going off about President Bieber. | ||
| And you're just up there on your pulpit with a crazy beard. | ||
| You're wearing like three sets of glasses. | ||
| Like you have the bifocals hanging down. | ||
| You have the sunglasses up on your head. | ||
| Your cat's on your lap. | ||
| And you're just waxing crazy poetic old man talk. | ||
| Lashing out against the government. | ||
| And you're right next to me, motherfucker. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You're sitting right across the aisle. | ||
| And you're like, I'm so glad I got out of California. | ||
| Oh, now building tips. | ||
| With a pince scooter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's hilarious, yeah. | ||
| You ever wonder what the fuck you're gonna be like when you be 60 or 70 years old? | ||
| Do you ever look ahead? | ||
| Or do you try to live in the moment? | ||
| I don't look ahead, nor do I live in the moment. | ||
| I just sort of am. | ||
| I'm just an atheist who is. | ||
| I have the things that I enjoy. | ||
| I have the people that I enjoy. | ||
| I do what I do just because that's what I do. | ||
| I don't really think about things too much. | ||
| You think about things a lot, though. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Well, what I mean is I don't plot things. | ||
| The future, per se. | ||
| I just essentially move through it. | ||
| And I try to do it as efficiently as possible. | ||
| And I try to maximize whatever I can maximize and whatever my interests are. | ||
| And financially and that sort of thing. | ||
| But in general, I'm not a plotter. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not a down the road or, you know, I have kids, you know, as far as college goes, screw them, they're on their own. | ||
| Like, like, They'll be fine. | ||
| They'll either want to go to college or they won't go to college. | ||
| They'll either be curious or they won't be curious. | ||
| Hopefully they'll be curious and I'll figure out a way to pay for some of it, but they can pay for some of it too. | ||
| Like I'm not one of those, oh my God, what's going on next year, guys. | ||
| And I never have been. | ||
| And, you know, I've been willing to walk away from, you know, many endeavors just because I figured, well, there's a new adventure around the corner. | ||
| I don't look forward to it, but I don't fear it either. | ||
| It's just there, as it was for millions of other people, and it is for millions today. | ||
| Well, like I said, you were the first guy to jump into this whole podcast thing, and you went right at it right away. | ||
| What was your thinking? | ||
| Like, after your radio show was done, I know you were real frustrated by your whole experience doing that radio show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then after it was done, did you just say, let's see where this goes? | ||
| Because the podcast scene was not anything. | ||
| I mean, how long have you been doing your podcast now? | ||
| Oh, almost two and a half years. | ||
| Coming up on two and a half years. | ||
| Two and a half years ago, man. | ||
| Who the fuck had a podcast? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I did yours. | ||
| Shit, I don't remember. | ||
| It was right after your show had closed. | ||
| And I remember thinking, wow, maybe I could do this. | ||
| Maybe this is something. | ||
| I was doing too many different things at the time, but I was like, wow, this is so much fun. | ||
| How cool would it be to just have a place where you could just sit down and shoot the shit with your friends and put that out? | ||
| Is it going to be real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, you know... | ||
| What was your thinking after your show? | ||
| Tell us, what was it like? | ||
| What was the radio show like when it was canceled and, you know, when the whole station... | ||
| Wouldn't it become a Mexican station or something? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| No, it became like Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Top 40. 97.1 became a Mexican station, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I still think they're playing Lady Gaga stuff, but who cares? | ||
| One or the other, both mind-numbing. | ||
| One is mind-numbing to people who speak Spanish, mind-numbing to people who speak English, but they're mind-fucking-numbing. | ||
| Music, both sides. | ||
| The point is, well, what happened is they said to me, in a sort of weird mindfuck, they said, hey, listen, we're going to fold the station out. | ||
| Now, for those who, you know, don't know, I replaced Howard Stern on the West Coast. | ||
| A guy named Rover did it in the Midwest, and then David Lee Roth did it in New York. | ||
| When the change came about. | ||
| The David Lee Roth experiment ended super fast. | ||
| And the rover thing ended fairly quickly. | ||
| And then I was around. | ||
| And I was doing well. | ||
| were getting I got bonuses in LA toward the end and I would always get bonuses in Vegas and Seattle and Portland and stuff like that. | ||
| We were you know, we had our ups and downs for sure, but it had smoothed out and we're doing well. | ||
| And they and when I say well, I don't mean conquering the world. | ||
| I just mean holding our own, getting solid ratings and getting getting the occasional bonus for being number one. | ||
| And they flip the format. | ||
| They just figured out, look, why are we paying all these guys millions of dollars to talk when we can just play the aforementioned Lady Gaga and just make the same revenue? | ||
| And it's a business decision. | ||
| I'm completely cool with it. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| People are always like, aren't you pissed off? | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| It's their job. | ||
| I had a contract. | ||
| They paid me out the rest of the year for not doing anything. | ||
| And it's completely their prerogative. | ||
| I get pissed off at personal stuff. | ||
| I get pissed off when somebody does something intentionally. | ||
| When the super selfish old neighbor next door says, I would rather watch Jeopardy! | ||
| and Peace than have... | ||
| 150 people celebrate the ringing in of the new year. | ||
| That's a personal bullshit thing. | ||
| When it's business, it's just business. | ||
| I understand it. | ||
| So they were going to flip it, but they said to me, two months before they were going to blow up the whole station, they said, we're going to send you to New York. | ||
| You're going to the number one market, and we want you to take over in New York. | ||
| But shh, don't tell anybody. | ||
| You cannot tell anyone because nobody here knows the radio station's being blown up. | ||
| And the way radio works is they don't give you two weeks notice. | ||
| You finish your shift, you walk off the air, and the guy says, go get that box with the weird cardboard handles carved into it. | ||
| You're leaving. | ||
| And they do it for a reason. | ||
| They don't want you going back on the air going, fuck this station, fuck Jack Silver, fuck these cocksuckers, these fucking guys. | ||
| They know it. | ||
| And most DJs are nuts, and that's what half of them will do. | ||
| So they told me two months in advance, we're flipping. | ||
| You're going to New York, and we're flipping. | ||
| Don't say anything. | ||
| So it was this horrible two months for me where it'd be like January, and my producer would come up to me and go, oh, the Wynn Hotel wants us to come back for March Madness and do a special live show at the casino. | ||
| And I'd be like, yeah, alright. | ||
| And she'd go, so you want to set that up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'd be like, ah, nah, just hold off. | |
| Well, they want an answer. | ||
| Alright, well then, fuck it. | ||
| Go ahead and do it. | ||
| It was like, I knew everything was coming to an end and we were talking about shit to do over the summer and stuff like that. | ||
| And so it was really weird having these conversations. | ||
| It's like knowing you're going to get divorced and your wife's making vacation plans for the end of the summer and you're going to serve her papers in two weeks. | ||
| It's like time travel. | ||
| And you're like, she's going, you think Acapulco would be awesome or should we go to Honolulu? | ||
| And you're like, whatever. | ||
| Doesn't matter to me. | ||
| And so, at the very end, they said to me, by the way, you're not going to New York, and we are still blowing up the station. | ||
| And I was like, oh, alright. | ||
| So, that was the end of that. | ||
| You were going to go to New York? | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I had no idea at that point. | ||
| There are no jobs in radio. | ||
| There's no way to monetize a podcast. | ||
| I don't know what a podcast is. | ||
| I'm not doing live shows at that stage of my career. | ||
| I got nothing going on in a pretty big monthly nut. | ||
| And not as big as the one you toss at the wall for the folks who come into the Motel 6 to enjoy shortly after you vacate your room, you sick fuck. | ||
| But it's still a pretty good sized nut. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I'm sitting there wondering what to do and my buddy goes, podcast. | ||
| And I was like, well, how the fuck's that work? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which buddy? | |
| Donnie at the warehouse. | ||
| He says, podcast. | ||
| And I said, how's it work? | ||
| He said, you speak your opinion and you and I are the same way. | ||
| We like to hear ourselves talk and we have opinions. | ||
| And so I said, yeah, fuck it. | ||
| And I found out I said, well, how much do you think this is going to cost? | ||
| He said, you buy two microphones and a laptop and, oh, and then a little bit for bandwidth. | ||
| And I said, well, how much? | ||
| Oh, it's like, I don't know, 500 bucks a month or something. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I guess I could afford that. | ||
| Let's try it. | ||
| And then it was like nine grand for the first month of bandwidth. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit. | ||
| And so it got down to me spending like a hundred grand out of my own pocket just to do it pro bono with the notion that one day it might turn into a business. | ||
| And that's really the process we're in right now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So how did you go about, I mean, you have like this giant staff, this huge, you have a big room and all these employees working and people working video switches. | ||
| And how did you go about finding all these people and putting everything together? | ||
| Most of the people would hear the podcast and just go like, hey man, I'm digging what you're doing, and I'm a whatever student, and I work for seven bucks an hour, and could I come down there? | ||
| They just want to be a part of something, just in a sort of organic kind of way. | ||
| I'm sure you've gotten your offers. | ||
| Yeah, if I didn't have a podcast in my house, that would be much more compelling. | ||
| But the problem is, it's in my house. | ||
| I'm not some fucking weirdo off the internet. | ||
| That's how I met this guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You don't need another jizzlinger in your fucking... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you had no idea when you first started doing it that it would ever become what it is now. | ||
| You were just trying to figure it out and just do it and see what it became. | ||
| I never have any ideas about anything before they are what they are. | ||
| I just embark upon the journey. | ||
| I don't really look that far down the road. | ||
| I mean, I'm not going to walk off a cliff. | ||
| I trust that I'm moving in the right direction. | ||
| Have expectations and, you know, I have notions. | ||
| Well, you know, it's sort of like this. | ||
| It's sort of, you know, I probably got it a lot from building. | ||
| Because building is a process that goes from shitty to good. | ||
| Which is to say the first part of building is, you know, permits and applications. | ||
| And you cutting checks to the city for nothing. | ||
| And inspectors and plan inspection and all that kind of stuff. | ||
| And it's nothing. | ||
| It's just a bunch of money and a bunch of papers. | ||
| You have nothing. | ||
| And then you start demoing and digging stuff up and, you know, digging footings and grade beams and blah, blah, blah, and putting in rebar and waiting for concrete and all that. | ||
| But still, it's nothing. | ||
| There's no shape to it. | ||
| It's just a hole in the ground and you're literally dumping money into this hole in the ground. | ||
| But then at a certain point, the cement dries and you strip away the forms and you start to frame. | ||
| And when you start to frame, you get to actually see the shape of the structure start to unfold before your eyes. | ||
| But it's still like it's wide open. | ||
| It doesn't keep the cold out or the heat in or anything. | ||
| But you can start to imagine about what it might be like to put down that hardwood flooring and to see all the cool top-notch Viking stoves and sub-zeros going into the kitchen and all that. | ||
| Well, that's the part you look forward to. | ||
| But if you're Closing your eyes and picturing your new Viking stove arriving, when you're forming your slab, you're going to fuck up your slab. | ||
| Just focus on the form. | ||
| And know that you'll get to the Viking one day, but for now, you're just forming. | ||
| Heavy. | ||
| That is heavy. | ||
| That's heavy and correct. | ||
| I mean, that's being in the moment, you know? | ||
| You sort of have an idea that it's eventually going to come together. | ||
| But right now you're just framing it. | ||
| If it doesn't, it doesn't. | ||
| But let me just form the best way I can form today. | ||
| Yeah, I don't really plan things out that much either. | ||
| I mean, we didn't plan this out. | ||
| We started this out on a laptop. | ||
| Literally, we're just sitting right in front of one of these and we had fucking snowflakes coming down on the Ustream broadcast and we fucked around with music and all kinds of different things. | ||
| And then eventually we figured out how to do it the way we're doing it now. | ||
| But it's still evolving. | ||
| But for us, it's been the best tool ever for getting people to come into the clubs. | ||
| And that's one of the things that you've done to sort of monetize it. | ||
| You've started doing live podcasts and then live stand-up. | ||
| And I remember when we did the improv together, the Irvine Improv, was one of the first times, I think, or the first time you had ever done stand-up in like fucking 10-plus years. | ||
| And killed. | ||
| You went out there and killed, and you did it like you'd been doing it all along. | ||
| It was pretty fun. | ||
| It was pretty fun to watch. | ||
| Yeah, it always sort of maybe had it in me, but I never pursued it. | ||
| I remember talking to you when we did Loveline fucking many, many years ago, and you were telling me, eh, stand up, the audience. | ||
| I didn't like the audiences. | ||
| I didn't like, you know... | ||
| I didn't like it. | ||
| I didn't like it. | ||
| And I was like, wow, that doesn't make any sense to me because you're funny and you like to rant on things. | ||
| You just condense that, package it, put it on stage. | ||
| I mean, it is what it is. | ||
| The rush of making 300 people plus laugh when you're killing in front of a large crowd. | ||
| How could you not enjoy that? | ||
| It's weird because I get less out of that than I get out of what we're doing right now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because that's an environment And you get the energy of the environment, but right now there's somebody with earbuds in each ear and they're either walking their dog or they're walking on a treadmill or they're walking their dog on a treadmill, which would be fun. | ||
| And what we're saying is penetrating deep. | ||
| And that's more of a party where you're just kind of getting caught up into it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Versus a serious deep penetration. | ||
| And I'm really interested in just sort of taking my ideas and inserting them into you more than I am sort of entertaining you, so to speak. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| So why did you start doing stand-up then? | ||
| Just to monetize? | ||
| I just did it for the money. | ||
| And I did it. | ||
| And, you know, it's funny because people do that thing where they go, hey, why'd you do this? | ||
| Or why'd you do that? | ||
| And the answer is for the money. | ||
| But it doesn't mean I don't dig it, and it doesn't mean especially, you know, because I've had this problem in the past where I said, look... | ||
| I'm going out to Kansas City, Milwaukee, and one more place. | ||
| Wiltern Theater. | ||
| Oh, Wiltern Theater in May, and so on and so forth, and Portland and wherever. | ||
| And if someone said, hey, you want to come out and do a show for free, the answer would be no. | ||
| So thus, the answer is, I'm doing it for the money. | ||
| I mean, sad, but it's true. | ||
| It's not sad. | ||
| Now, here's the deal. | ||
| It doesn't mean I'm not going to fucking show up and kick ass. | ||
| As a matter of fact, if I was doing it for free, I'd just pull up a stool and go Charlie Sheen on your ass. | ||
| I don't do that. | ||
| I realize that everyone who's there paid 40, 50, 60 bucks for a ticket. | ||
| We're in a theater and I'm going to fucking burn some calories. | ||
| I sweat through a t-shirt for you guys telling jokes and trying to amuse you for 90 minutes. | ||
| Would I rather be home watching my TiVo high? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Am I doing it for the money? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Am I also doing it because I just have the ability to do it? | ||
| I mean, it comes easily to me. | ||
| I'm not trying to sound like a douchebag, but it's like a sport. | ||
| It's not a grinder for me. | ||
| What you do on the podcast, I mean, you can't say it comes easy to you. | ||
| I mean, you can, but I mean, the reason why it comes easy to you is because you're doing, it's like someone who does all this power lifting and plyometrics and throws medicine balls around, and then someone teaches you how to choke somebody, and I'm like, wow, jujitsu came pretty easy to me. | ||
| Well, that's because you're a fucking crazy physical specimen, you fuck. | ||
| And like with you, what you're doing is you're constantly ranting and constantly piecing together ideas and constantly pointing out things that don't... | ||
| That's stand-up. | ||
| You're doing stand-up. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| And it is a muscle that gets exercised. | ||
| But either way... | ||
| When we go do a show, I'm not pacing around in my hotel room, you know, nervous, ducking salvos of jizz that Brian throws. | ||
| It's easy for me when I do it. | ||
| And so you get paid well. | ||
| It comes easily. | ||
| And why the fuck not? | ||
| I've actually been enjoying it in this weird sort of... | ||
| Curious case of Benjamin Buttons where I've been going backwards. | ||
| I started off on TV and I'm discovering my stand-up in my 40s, which is insane because everyone else starts off in stand-up and gets away from it. | ||
| And you've only been doing stand-up for about a year now, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's about a year. | ||
| But you've already put together a full hour. | ||
| Ninety minutes. | ||
| Ninety minutes. | ||
| And you're out there crashing. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Are you writing this stuff down, or these are just rants that you categorize? | ||
| The rants that I categorize, and I sort of have cues that help me figure out what it is I want to say. | ||
| And then it doesn't come out exactly the same every night either. | ||
| Right, of course, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and I sort of mix and match. | ||
| I guess it'd be like a jam band that had a bunch of songs and changed the set list up on a nightly basis, and maybe they'd never get that good on one song, but yet they could freeform if they had to, and they would never get boring for them because they're constantly mixing the set up. | ||
| Sort of that with me. | ||
| I never do my set the exact same way every time either. | ||
| I mix things up all the time. | ||
| I know pretty much before I go on stage what I'm going to get into right away, but I always leave the door open for something else. | ||
| I always leave the door open. | ||
| If I get on stage, and for whatever reason, this thought pops in my head, I'll run with that, and then eventually get to the planned opening. | ||
| And then once I get the first bit out of the way, it's more important to me to get that one solid chunk, just get that out tight and smack. | ||
| And then once that's out and everyone's laughing, then we're going to go wherever. | ||
| Then the ball's moving, the momentum's going, let's go wherever the fuck we want to go. | ||
| I'm the same way. | ||
| It's like that first 20 minutes, you just want to be solid, you want to get everyone on your side, and just get that first 20, for me it's like 20-25 minutes, and then it's like, alright, we've established this. | ||
| Now we have some room for lateral movement. | ||
| I'm really big on that with opening acts, too. | ||
| I always tell them when guys open up for me, I say the best thing you can do out there is don't fuck around in the beginning. | ||
| Don't try a new bit out when you first get on stage. | ||
| This is a cold audience, okay? | ||
| A lot of guys that are on the road, like I take guys on the road with me, They're used to doing sets in Hollywood, and they're used to going up and doing 10-15 minute sets when there's a host and a bunch of other people on the show. | ||
| I'm like, this is a different experience, man. | ||
| These are people who don't know who you are, who are coming to see me. | ||
| So they're willing to let you be funny, but you've got to go out there and go tight right away. | ||
| You've got to gain their confidence. | ||
| It's the most important thing if people don't know who you are. | ||
| Gain their confidence right away. | ||
| You've got to do solid, tight material right up front. | ||
| Get them laughing and go, alright, this guy's a fucking pro. | ||
| And then they relax and they settle in. | ||
| They have a smile on their face and they're looking forward to hearing you. | ||
| And then you're smooth. | ||
| Then smooth sailing. | ||
| But if you start off chunky and fucked up, then you've got to constantly re-earn their respect. | ||
| You'll struggle through your entire set. | ||
| It's like going out on a first date by shoving your cop through the mail slot. | ||
| Save it for the third date. | ||
| Let's get the confidence. | ||
| Save it for when she loves you and she knows you're crazy. | ||
| Let's get the confidence level up. | ||
| There's a video, I watched it online, but it's apparently pulled from YouTube, but I saw it the other night. | ||
| It's HBO's Talking Funny. | ||
| It's Louis C.K., Ricky Gervais, Chris Rock, and Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| It's fucking great, man. | ||
| I'm pursuing this now. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why I've always thought that this podcast, in and of itself, could be a television show. | ||
| I was trying to pitch a show based around the podcast, but the show that I was pitching, it was like really produced, and there was all these little segments that we would do every week. | ||
| And then I thought about it, and I'm like, "I don't like that." I'm like, "I like the idea of a podcast "because I like the idea of people sitting around "and talking about interesting shit, "and it's fun and amusing to watch." And it was proof positive to me watching that talking funny thing, 'cause it was just four comics sitting around talking about stand-up, and it was fucking great, man. | ||
| Especially Louis C.K., man. | ||
| Him and Chris Rock, but Louis C.K. especially, he's my number one inspiration right now. | ||
| That guy is... | ||
| I love what he does. | ||
| I mean, stand-up-wise, material-wise, my favorite guy is Stanhope. | ||
| I think Stanhope is... | ||
| To me, he's fucking fully out there. | ||
| He really is a wild fuck getting drunk every night. | ||
| He lives in Bisbee, Arizona, in a house. | ||
| Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Doug Stanhope. | ||
| When you first said Stanhope, I thought there was a dude named Stanhope. | ||
| Like Bob Hope's grandson is doing stand-up now? | ||
| I'm sorry, I'm preaching to the converted. | ||
| Stanhope. | ||
| To the choir. | ||
| Yeah, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Because, you know, Stanhope has a fucking house and the windowsills on the outside of the house are painted lopsided. | ||
| He's fucking crazy. | ||
| His house is like bright yellow. | ||
| He's with green and shit. | ||
| And he's a nut. | ||
| He literally is that guy. | ||
| He's not an... | ||
| He's not faking. | ||
| He does all his shows in rock clubs. | ||
| He sells all of his tickets on brownpaperbag.com or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Brown paper tickets. | ||
| So everything is all produced in-house. | ||
| Everything he does is all him. | ||
| He doesn't go through any other normal channels. | ||
| He has all of his fans. | ||
| They show up and see him all over the world. | ||
| And he goes on these fucking drunken Jagerbomb rants. | ||
| And they're fucking awesome. | ||
| I mean, his stand-up to me, his material to me as a fan. | ||
| Joey Diaz is still, I think, the funniest guy. | ||
| And if I'm gonna watch a ten minute set of anybody on the planet, I would watch Joey Diaz. | ||
| Because Joey Diaz, when Joey Diaz crushes, when he really fucking slams at home, nobody's funnier than him. | ||
| But as far as like a long set, Stan Hope is the man for me. | ||
| I enjoy his material. | ||
| But I really enjoy Louis C.K. I enjoy his material as well. | ||
| I think he's a brilliant comedian. | ||
| But I really enjoy his work ethic. | ||
| I really enjoy his philosophy on stand-up. | ||
| And how he breaks it down. | ||
| I find it, as a comic, I find it so inspiring because he throws away his whole act every year. | ||
| He writes a whole act, he writes a full hour, hour and whatever minutes, films it for whatever, Showtime or HBO, who the fuck wants to buy it, and then he throws it out and starts from scratch. | ||
| And because of that, because everybody knows that he does that, he's got this massively loyal following. | ||
| People can't wait to come and see him because they know, hey, we saw Louie last year. | ||
| You think he's going to be doing the same material? | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| He's not going to be doing the same material. | ||
| It's going to be all new. | ||
| And maybe if you yell out bag of dicks, he'll do his bag of dicks joke. | ||
| But for the most part, this guy's got 90 new fucking minutes every 12 months. | ||
| And to me, man, that's just... | ||
| I hear shit like that and I get fired up. | ||
| I want to sit in front of the keyboard. | ||
| I want to start writing. | ||
| It gets me jazzed up. | ||
| I get tired, actually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know anyone's stand-up act. | ||
| I've never seen anyone's stand-up act. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck's going on. | ||
| You don't watch guys? | ||
| I've never followed stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I have no interest in it. | ||
| Oh, that's so funny. | ||
| I'm an idiot. | ||
| I just watch Hitler and Color, and then I just watch Ultimate Factories. | ||
| I'm such a gearhead. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I have no interest in comedy. | ||
| Why don't Top Gear, why don't they fucking snatch you up? | ||
| Fire one of those fucking... | ||
| I'm working on a show for... | ||
| Fire everyone who's not Adam Ferrara. | ||
| As we're speaking, but it's weird. | ||
| I have such a gearhead brain that the second I'm done doing any comedy, my mind shifts to vintage race cars, and I never think about comedy. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't dislike comedy or anything. | ||
| I just have no idea what's going on. | ||
| I don't know any of the comedians. | ||
| I've never seen their act. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Do you worry about, like, parallel thinking, though, because of that? | ||
| Do you worry about, like, going on this long rant, and then you find out, oh, that's on Patton Oswalt's second CD? Oh, it happens. | ||
| It's gotta happen. | ||
| Like, I mean, I was just watching SNL a couple of weeks ago, and Zach Galifianakis got up there, and he said something that I'd said on Stern's show and on my radio show, you know, ten years ago. | ||
| And it was almost the exact joke that I... I don't think he ripped me off. | ||
| That motherfucker. | ||
| Don't blame Brody Stevens. | ||
| If you're going to name a body spray called Axe, there's going to be a joke about it that involves the black community. | ||
| And I And I just happened to say it on Stern and, you know, when Acts came out. | ||
| But I don't think that Zach Galifianakis was listening. | ||
| It could have very easily been that SNL did it, that those writers did it. | ||
| There's a huge issue with monologue writers. | ||
| No, that was definitely, that was his act. | ||
| I could tell he was doing... | ||
| His stand-up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, like, you know, that thing where you go, look, you want to host SNL. I've never hosted SNL, but you want to host SNL, and you say to a comedian, and instead of collecting a bunch of jokes from guys who don't really know your voice, you just go, fuck it, I'll do my, I'll do a real familiar five minutes of my act at the top. | ||
| I know it, I'm confident with it, and then we'll get into the rest of the show. | ||
| That's what it felt like to me. | ||
| Do you have any desire to host SNL? No, I don't. | ||
| I wish I did, but I don't. | ||
| It just seems like something that doesn't have to do with cars or building to me. | ||
| Wow, that's hilarious. | ||
| You're that much into it. | ||
| That's all I think about, really. | ||
| I don't have any desire to host SNL. SNL to me is like, you gotta eat 99 pounds of shit to find that one juicy steak at the bottom of it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, there's a juicy 16-ounce T-bone at the bottom of all this shit that I had to eat. | ||
| I think it's more of a jelly belly, but yeah. | ||
| Has Dr. Drew ever talked to you about addiction of cars? | ||
| Because that is an addiction. | ||
| And you probably spend a lot of money on it. | ||
| Yeah, but what is the difference between an addiction and an interest that you get enjoyment out of that's positive? | ||
| I think when people throw around that word addiction all the time. | ||
| I can tell you what the definition is. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| It's continuing in that activity in the face of adversity. | ||
| And it's like essentially, if your wife says, I'm going to leave you, if you keep up with fill in the blank, you know, if your boss says he's going to fire you, if you keep up with the... | ||
| Booze drinking or the pill popping or the jizz tossing or whatever you're doing. | ||
| And you keep doing it. | ||
| And then you lose your job. | ||
| And then you get divorced. | ||
| And then you lose your home. | ||
| That's addiction. | ||
| And there's such things as functional addicts as well. | ||
| But the real sort of definition is... | ||
| Is it ruining your quality of life? | ||
| Or do you like cars more than you like your job or your wife? | ||
| That's a possibility as well. | ||
| I do think about them more, but I also understand that it makes me work. | ||
| Right, because you need to fund this habit. | ||
| I want the car, and I want the garage, and I want the whatever, so I have to fund the habit. | ||
| Just like a junkie has to steal stereo. | ||
| The first person that ever... | ||
| I was dating a girl in New York. | ||
| It was the first person that ever told me that I had an addiction, and that was pool. | ||
| I was playing pool eight to ten hours a day. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I was playing in tournaments. | ||
| I got obsessed. | ||
| I tore my ACL ligament, and I couldn't do taekwondo. | ||
| I couldn't kickbox for a while. | ||
| I had to get reconstructive surgery and the whole deal. | ||
| And a buddy of mine and I started playing pool. | ||
| And it started out just knocking balls around. | ||
| Two retards had played in a bar before. | ||
| No, I didn't know how to play. | ||
| And then I met guys that really could play. | ||
| And when you watch real pool plays, you watch them, and you go, oh, it's about gambling. | ||
| They're gambling, and there's money on the line. | ||
| And then it's about tournaments. | ||
| And then, you know, you get to see pros play. | ||
| And I just became obsessed with these balls moving around on this cloth and the fact that you have to figure out exactly how hard to hit the ball to make it collide with this other ball. | ||
| And you got to judge the angle. | ||
| And it became a massive obsession. | ||
| And the girl of Dayton said, you have to choose. | ||
| You have to choose between me or Poole. | ||
| And I said, rack them up. | ||
| I had the same thing with foosball, but I've been there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not saying it wasn't as bad, but it was seven, eight hours. | |
| Foosball does not rule. | ||
| I love fucking food. | ||
| Do you have your own foosball table? | ||
| I play alone. | ||
| Because that's really all you're really battling in life is yourself. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I love foosball. | ||
| Foosball alone. | ||
| What a concept. | ||
| That's the only addiction that I've ever had. | ||
| Well, and pool again, when I was in Hollywood, when I first came to LA, I didn't have any friends. | ||
| So the first thing I started doing was just entering pool tournaments. | ||
| I was like, well, now I know what I'm going to do on Friday night. | ||
| If I don't have a set somewhere, I'm going to go enter a pool tournament. | ||
| I'm going to find a pool hall to play. | ||
| And then Sussman pulled me aside and said, I think you're concentrating on Poole more than your own career. | ||
| It was true. | ||
| I wasn't writing any jokes. | ||
| I was just fucking practicing running out. | ||
| I was just going over patterns in my head and watching Accustat's tapes of classic Johnny Archer versus Earl Strickland matches from the early 90s. | ||
| Dissecting his run out. | ||
| Plus, it was affecting his comedy because I caught him back in the day and he'd be like, Alright, so anyway, this dude's playing a Brunswick with a pretty fast felt. | ||
| And he goes for the bridge. | ||
| Felt? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You fucked up with felt. | ||
| Felt revealed yourself. | ||
| Oh man, I gotta pee, Joe. | ||
| What the hell time is it? | ||
| There's a bathroom right there, man. | ||
| Go in there and take a laugh. | ||
| It is 448. You have to bolt? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| I gotta try to beat my warehouse in like the next 25 minutes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, you know what we're going to do? | ||
| We're going to pause it and Brian and I will come out. | ||
| We'll close it out because we're going to do another half an hour because we usually do about two hours. | ||
| But thank you very much for doing the podcast, man. | ||
| Like I said, if it wasn't for you and doing your podcast, I probably never would have started this thing in the first place. | ||
| You're one of my favorite dudes to talk to. | ||
| You're one of my favorite guys to go on your show because you've always got a unique and interesting perspective that I might not have ever considered. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| There's not a lot of guys like that out there, man. | ||
| And what Brian Cowen said about you really is true. | ||
| You truly are the best at going on these crazy rants that lead to conclusions. | ||
| Like, I'll start rants off, but then 10 minutes into my rant, I'll be like, what the fuck are we even talking about, man? | ||
| Fire up that vaporizer, you know? | ||
| But you'll actually come to conclusions on them. | ||
| You're a very unique cat, man. | ||
| The whole thing that you're doing with stand-up and the thing that you're doing with your podcast, it's great stuff, man. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Thank you very much for being on the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| So that's it for Adam Carolla. | ||
| Adam Carolla's show at the Wiltern is May 21st. | ||
| May 21st. | ||
| Is this a live podcast show or stand-up? | ||
| No, stand-up show. | ||
| Yeah, Jimmy's going to join me out there, too. | ||
| Well, good. | ||
| I think I'm home, so I'm coming too. | ||
| I'm going to be there. | ||
| What day is that? | ||
| That is Saturday, May 21st. | ||
| And yeah, LA is a bitch, as we'd always talked about. | ||
| LA's a bitch how? | ||
| Come on out. | ||
| It's tough to sell tickets in LA. It's not Seattle or Portland. | ||
| Was it because there's so much shit going on here? | ||
| What do you think it is? | ||
| I mean, I'll give you the numbers. | ||
| Like, you know, the Moore Theater, you know, you played the Moore Theater in Seattle that holds, you know... | ||
| 1,800. | ||
| 1,800 people. | ||
| The Wiltern holds 1,800 people or so. | ||
| And it's like the Moore sell out on a Sunday night without really burning too many calories. | ||
| You know, it's like... | ||
| Two weeks out, we're 1,400 tickets sold. | ||
| You know, it's gonna go clean, as they say. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| We'll turn, you know, 850 tickets sold. | ||
| You know, we got a month to go, so it'll probably be okay. | ||
| But it's tough sledding. | ||
| Like, you gotta fucking get on it and hit it and work it and go, come on, people. | ||
| It's gonna be a fun night. | ||
| Whereas the other shows are like, eh. | ||
| It's running with weights on here, right? | ||
| In sand, yeah. | ||
| It is. | ||
| We're going to Milwaukee, and we're going to Kansas City, and we're going to... | ||
| What the hell's the other place? | ||
| You got Milwaukee Friday, got Kansas City Saturday, and you have, let's see, Irvine, California. | ||
| Sold out, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
12th. | |
| If they want, then go to AdamCrolla.com. | ||
| Go to AdamCrolla.com. | ||
| But, yeah. | ||
| But, see, for me, it's my hometown. | ||
| I'm from L.A. So, it sucks because anybody... | ||
| It's like an Irish fighter fighting in Dublin. | ||
| And everyone's like, eh, fuck it. | ||
| We're staying home. | ||
| Like, it sucks. | ||
| You know, for me, this is my hometown. | ||
| And so, it's like the Wiltern is the theater that's like, you know... | ||
| That is my, holy shit, I can't believe I'm playing this place. | ||
| And now I want to fill it up, because obviously, you play Portland, and it's half full house. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| You don't feel great about it, but that's Portland. | ||
| You didn't grow up in Portland. | ||
| I grew up in L.A., so. | ||
| Well, L.A. has so many fucking options. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Let's not exercise any of them on the 21st. | ||
| Don't do that, folks. | ||
| The 21st, Wilton Theater. | ||
| I may be in Boston. | ||
| I'm doing this Kevin James MMA movie. | ||
| Kevin James is playing an MMA fighter. | ||
| And I have to play myself. | ||
| Well, tell everyone you're going to be there. | ||
| Listen, if I can make it, I will be there. | ||
| That is Saturday the 21st. | ||
| Thank you very much, brother. | ||
| Everybody else, stay tuned. |
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