Feb. 1, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:15:38
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shoot. | |
| Oh. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| It's sexy too because it's English. | ||
| Yeah, who? | ||
| Do you know that person? | ||
| No, she's not even real. | ||
| She's a robot. | ||
| But I just think of her as some dirty bitch in England. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| She's really dedicated to working for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cricket feet? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Nice feet. | ||
| Oh, she does? | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| Oh, she is. | ||
| She's a fake. | ||
| Weird teeth, though. | ||
| I don't mind. | ||
| A little space here and there. | ||
| It makes you work harder. | ||
| Space is fine. | ||
| It's the discoloration I can do. | ||
| I'm not down with gray. | ||
| Not even gray, but you know how sometimes they have like six different colors? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or like bottle rot. | ||
| When did you stop sucking on your banky hooker? | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Lee has joined us! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Finally! | ||
| I mean, your army. | ||
| You have an army out there. | ||
| Dude, not mine, man. | ||
| They have their own. | ||
| Speaking of army, before we get started, we have to do business. | ||
| We are sponsored by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to fleshlight.com or if you go to JoeRogan.net, there's a link for The Fleshlight. | ||
| Click on it and enter in the code name ROGAN. You get 15% off. | ||
| I have one. | ||
| You ever use one of those? | ||
| I have one. | ||
| The thing is, is those beads. | ||
| Have you seen the blue one? | ||
| The beads. | ||
| The avatar one? | ||
| No, it looks like a flashlight, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you stick the thing inside it, right? | ||
| Yeah, that one. | ||
| I have that. | ||
| I have these little beads that you turn on. | ||
| You stick your balls in it. | ||
| I know, but there's these beads on mine that you put in and it vibrates. | ||
| It's three beads and it goes on the side. | ||
| If you open that up, you can put beads inside. | ||
| But the beads only last five minutes, right? | ||
| And I take ten minutes to do it. | ||
| Oh, so the last five minutes you're just holding your breath? | ||
| No, I have a whole system in the side. | ||
| I have all these batteries. | ||
| Well, why don't you just have two? | ||
| And then you have two fleshlights, and so you have one on standby. | ||
| Because cleaning them is a half an hour thing. | ||
| Half an hour? | ||
| What, do you use a toothbrush? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I use hot oil. | ||
| You use hot oil to clean them? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What, from the Gulf? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, I microwave oil for five seconds. | ||
| And then you get it warm. | ||
| You can't do it too hot. | ||
| I did it once, and I scalded my thighs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Oh no! | ||
| Yeah, but it burns. | ||
| But yeah, you put the oil in it. | ||
| And then you put the beads in it. | ||
| It vibrates. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| I've never heard of it. | ||
| It's like making love to an android, which is my fantasy dream. | ||
| But the beads run out of energy. | ||
| So only five minutes for these whack-ass beads, huh? | ||
| Yeah, and brand new. | ||
| You have to put three of those watch batteries, the little tiny ones, in them. | ||
| What? | ||
| Three tiny watch batteries. | ||
| You're talking about $30 a pop when you're doing it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Where do you get these beads? | ||
| I've never even heard of these beads. | ||
| Open that up. | ||
| I bet you there's bead slots. | ||
| No. | ||
| Take the... | ||
| Are you sure you're not talking about a competitor? | ||
| No, that's it. | ||
| You tell me what the slots are. | ||
| On mine, I have three slots here. | ||
| Oh, so yours is designed for it specifically? | ||
| It is a flashlight, but it's a different one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a different one. | |
| You stick in there and go... | ||
| Oh, maybe you've got a vibrator model or something. | ||
| Oh, yes, they do have the vibrator models. | ||
| I remember seeing that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I have that one. | ||
| But it's the same. | ||
| It looks exactly the same. | ||
| It's a very... | ||
| You know, this is a controversial thing, man. | ||
| I do a whole series of... | ||
| I do a whole bit about it on stage, but this really is controversy. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because people didn't want me getting sponsored by a fake vagina. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Like, somehow or another, it's bad for your reputation. | ||
| Does it really take you 10 minutes to come? | ||
| Yeah, because... | ||
| Now, when you have regular sex, does it take you 10 minutes? | ||
| No. | ||
| It takes you longer? | ||
| Can I say something? | ||
| Can I say something to you? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I'm being very specific on my porn. | ||
| The thing is that I need the interview. | ||
| You know the interview? | ||
| The interview where the girl sits down, so where you're from? | ||
| I'm from Ohio. | ||
| How much porn have you done? | ||
| Not that much. | ||
| This is my second time. | ||
| Or first. | ||
| And I need to sense a little fear. | ||
| Inner voice, right? | ||
| And then check it out. | ||
| You know the first time when they do it? | ||
| The first timers? | ||
| When the penis goes in the vagina, I have to look at their eyes. | ||
| In the eyes, they have to question their decision. | ||
| That's how you get excited? | ||
| Yeah, you know how when the penis goes in, they have to go, Mom? | ||
| Do you associate that with any past sexual experiences where you see the look in the girl's eyes? | ||
| She's like, what the fuck is Bobby Lee doing inside me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then you get excited, like, tricked him again, Josie! | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| I think what it is is this. | ||
| I think that my penis, it's not even an ethnic thing, but my penis is abnormally small. | ||
| I don't care about it because, you know what I mean, I'm rapping. | ||
| Like how small? | ||
| It's just small. | ||
| Like thumb? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like your thumb? | |
| No, yeah, it's thicker than that. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| But the thing is, is that, and girls, you know, they like my bubbly personality. | ||
| I'm like a Dreamweaver, you know what I mean? | ||
| And, you know what I mean? | ||
| You're fun. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a cute, you know what I mean? | ||
| I tickle, you know what I mean? | ||
| I giggle. | ||
| You're fun to be around. | ||
| Yeah, I giggle. | ||
| You bring a party. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And so then all of a sudden this party's fucking your mouth. | ||
| You're like, hey. | ||
| Yeah, and when I'm out with a girl, I look in their eyes and I've never had the sensation of like... | ||
| Them going, oh, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, it's too big. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I have a friend of mine who had that same problem, and so what he started doing was getting, he got a strap on. | ||
| He got this crazy thing that covers his dick. | ||
| And it was like, his dick would go on, and then this big fake dick would go over his dick. | ||
| And we were talking to him about it. | ||
| We were like, well, what's up? | ||
| What are you doing that for? | ||
| And he goes, just once, I want to see a girl have a hard time taking it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They can always take it so easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I'm never hurting them. | ||
| So are you really big into anal? | ||
| No, I don't do that. | ||
| You think you would be, though, because most girls, even with your small dick, would be like, hey. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Because for me, it's like, I want them to have pleasure, too. | ||
| Some girls like it. | ||
| I know a girl that likes anal better than regular sex. | ||
| She just wants anal all the time. | ||
| Yeah, there are girls, and they're called broken. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are the ones that also light your house on fire, by the way. | ||
| I also imagine if you do an anal and you don't have a condom on, that the poop goes into my hole. | ||
| It does. | ||
| And I don't need that in my life. | ||
| We talked about a terrible scene. | ||
| Did we talk about that on the podcast? | ||
| The Nani show thing? | ||
| Yeah, we did it last time. | ||
| Poop snakes are actually cool. | ||
| What? | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| What's a poop snake? | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| When you piss after anal sex and there's a little poop snake come out. | ||
| No, I don't need that in my life. | ||
| You should try it. | ||
| He's just talking about it. | ||
| He's being silly. | ||
| He does this all the time. | ||
| You can't take him seriously. | ||
| You've never had a poop snake. | ||
| Be honest. | ||
| Never. | ||
| I've tried poop smell, though, and that was the worst. | ||
| There's a girl I was having sex with a long time ago. | ||
| Back when I was 21, I lost my boner because I was banging her doggy style and I saw poop around her butthole. | ||
| I realized that she didn't really wipe that good. | ||
| And then I started smelling it because of the funk of the sex and the sweat. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Do you wetnap it? | ||
| Do you ever do that? | ||
| My butt? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I wetnap my butt. | ||
| Oh, baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's respect. | ||
| You can't flush those. | ||
| That's respect, right? | ||
| You cannot flush those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You got to wipe yourself first, and then you got to get the baby wipes, and then you got to throw the baby wipes away, which is kind of gross. | ||
| Why can't you flush baby wipes? | ||
| Well, if you live in an apartment, go flush away. | ||
| But if you live in a house, eventually they're going to get clogged up and you're going to have to have a group of dudes come in your backyard and find this pipe stuffed full of your shit rags. | ||
| Are you sure you weren't using them breakables? | ||
| No, bro. | ||
| I use flushable baby wipes. | ||
| The flushable ones dissolve. | ||
| They never break. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| They pretend they do. | ||
| They don't really. | ||
| They become like goo. | ||
| They don't dissolve like toilet paper. | ||
| Oh, they become goo. | ||
| And they get tied up on things. | ||
| Like if you have, like in my area, we have issues with, because we're kind of rural, we have issues with trees growing into your pipes. | ||
| You know, it's an issue like, well, there's so many trees out here, the trees will like grow through like a crack in the pipe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| One of them became like a goddamn tree. | ||
| I mean, I posted pictures of it on Twitter. | ||
| It's so ridiculous, nobody even fucking believes it. | ||
| My toilet was clogged. | ||
| I couldn't figure out what was going on with it, so I had these plumbers come out. | ||
| They pulled a fucking eight-foot tree out of my toilet. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Maybe not eight foot. | ||
| How big was it? | ||
| At least five feet. | ||
| Yeah, like five feet. | ||
| It was pretty long. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| It was like your height. | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| It looked like a muppet, like a swamp thing. | ||
| It looked like some sort of an animal, like somebody flushed some wood rat. | ||
| Are you worried that if they open up the pipe, they're stuffed with wet naps, but can't you just say it's my children's? | ||
| No, it's mine. | ||
| I don't give up. | ||
| I'll fucking own it. | ||
| I'm not going to throw my kids under the bus. | ||
| All right, all right. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Well, you're not supposed to be... | ||
| The diaper wipes, you definitely don't flush, because they're really thick and coarse. | ||
| I mean, not coarse, but strong. | ||
| They would not break up, definitely. | ||
| But flushable baby wipes, those bitches don't break up either. | ||
| The guy told me, no, they say they break up. | ||
| People say, because I pulled them out of people's pipes all the time. | ||
| So they had to dig a hole. | ||
| But it was really... | ||
| The issue, more or less, was that there was a root that was blocking part of the area. | ||
| Not as bad as the one that was in the toilet. | ||
| The one that was in the toilet was fucking ridiculous. | ||
| I'll find it and I'll repost that shit on Twitter because it's just so silly. | ||
| It doesn't even make sense. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| It really didn't look real. | ||
| Like, I couldn't believe it. | ||
| That was after I'd moved to Colorado, so I'd left the house for a couple months and nobody was flushing. | ||
| Yeah, I just wish masturbating lasted longer for me. | ||
| Because to me, it's just like I seriously have to focus on slowing it down all the time. | ||
| Why not just get it done? | ||
| What are you trying to do there, fella? | ||
| No, that's with sex and everything. | ||
| I just need to slow it down. | ||
| With masturbation though, isn't that like you're just trying to get it over with? | ||
| Yeah, but I like to enjoy it, you know? | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| I mean, it feels good when you're doing it, right? | ||
| So why not have it go for like 10 minutes? | ||
| Well, the other day when I was in New York, I tried to masturbate to porn on the internet. | ||
| I couldn't finish. | ||
| So then after about an hour, I finished half hard. | ||
| And you always feel like a failure because my orgasm was like 50%. | ||
| And I just sat there with this marshmallow in my hand, just sitting there naked, sweating. | ||
| I failed at that. | ||
| I know what you're saying, man. | ||
| I couldn't even finish that off. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I do feel you. | ||
| Me and Bobby were talking about how when we stay at hotels, we hate when the maid comes in. | ||
| Don't come to my room. | ||
| Don't ever come to my room. | ||
| And I didn't tell you that, but I did a Spider-Man at the last hotel we were at, and it must have hit the lamp because it started smoking. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Where I do Spider-Man in a hotel, where I throw... | ||
| Brian, people listening? | ||
| Well, we've talked about Spider-Man before. | ||
| No one listens to everything. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you're saying. | ||
| When I masturbate in hotels, I'm like, fuck this, I'm in this hotel. | ||
| And I just throw the sperm at the wall like Spider-Man. | ||
| Or I throw it across the room. | ||
| And it still connects to your wrist? | ||
| No, it doesn't connect to my wrist. | ||
| And you can swing it through the room? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's so disrespectful. | ||
| Because some poor Mexican lady has to clean it. | ||
| I'm so mad. | ||
| It's so rude. | ||
| It's clear. | ||
| They don't clean it. | ||
| Yeah, but it dries, and then flakes, and you don't know what it is. | ||
| It's pretty obvious, dude. | ||
| But you know they think it's either mucus, or you know what I mean? | ||
| Or a load. | ||
| Or a load, yeah. | ||
| I can't even see where it goes. | ||
| Once I hit a picture frame, and I was like, oh, I better clean that up. | ||
| It's so disrespectful. | ||
| Once you hit a picture. | ||
| Or like a picture on the wall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You got issues. | ||
| Masturbate and trying to enjoy yourself. | ||
| When I masturbate, it's for maintenance. | ||
| Just get it over with. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Enjoy it. | ||
| And then move it on. | ||
| It's even better. | ||
| A towel. | ||
| And she'll definitely touch the towels. | ||
| The problem with getting into masturbating is then you like Ari had that joke about having a bunch of windows open trying to figure out what to jerk off to. | ||
| You can get weird and obsessed. | ||
| You can get kind of... | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You get a little caught up in it. | ||
| And there's some dudes who, you know, they get so caught up in porn, it becomes like a legit addiction where, like, they'll have a conversation with someone and they just can't wait to go away to their computer real quick and just look at porn videos. | ||
| I have to pay for my porn, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I can't do grainy. | ||
| It has to be high def. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You have to be able to see the freckles. | ||
| You're the last guy. | ||
| The last guy buying porn. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I really am. | ||
| Talk about a business that just got gutted. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I mean, that used to be a multi-millionaire business. | ||
| I mean, there was some billion-dollar business, right? | ||
| There were so many people in my neighborhood that were porn producers. | ||
| They'd be driving around in Ferraris, living a good life. | ||
| And I'd be like, look at this wild-ass rebel just filming fucking and making a billion dollars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's kind of a weird thing. | ||
| There'd be a curiosity in the community. | ||
| All these mommies would look at him. | ||
| That's the porn guy. | ||
| That's where the porn guy lives. | ||
| The porn guy. | ||
| But now those guys aren't making shit. | ||
| That's done. | ||
| Done, son. | ||
| See ya. | ||
| If you're lucky, you can get bi now. | ||
| And if you're lucky, you get Charlie Sheen. | ||
| Well, look at these hookers. | ||
| These hookers can't stop talking about Charlie Sheen. | ||
| They're doing interviews. | ||
| I heard someone on Stern this morning. | ||
| Fucking Good Morning America interviewed one of the girls that fucked Charlie Sheen. | ||
| Way to go, Good Morning America, you whores. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| You are now Us Magazine. | ||
| And he allows you in his house, gives you free cocaine. | ||
| You get to watch movies that haven't even come out yet on DVD. You want to watch True Grit? | ||
| Oh, that's out in the theaters. | ||
| I have it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're doing cold. | |
| You wanna watch Avatar 2? | ||
| I've got a rough cut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They even made that thing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And then they disrespect him by, you know, ratting him out. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're not his friends. | ||
| Could you imagine if that was your friend? | ||
| Imagine if a dude came over your house. | ||
| Forget about sex. | ||
| Just a dude came over your house and had, you know, hey, we all watched fucking TV at Bobby Lee's house. | ||
| He got nutty. | ||
| He takes his pants off, runs through. | ||
| And all of a sudden this dude is on, you know, the radio on Monday and he's telling the whole story about what he did hanging out at your house when you got crazy. | ||
| It's disrespectful. | ||
| Who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, that guy will never hang out at my house again. | ||
| Fuck this idiot. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine that shit? | ||
| Can you imagine being that little kid from Two and a Half Men, how much tail Charlie throws his way? | ||
| Hey, I got this daughter, this girl I fuck. | ||
| The kid's like 12. Shut up. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| I think he's old now. | ||
| And also, that kid is so mad, probably, because the show can get canceled. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, they could all lose. | ||
| They're trying to say all sorts of shit, like, oh, there's Appendix Burke. | ||
| He had a hernia. | ||
| That kid's pissed, man. | ||
| Well, they all are. | ||
| It's the biggest show on television. | ||
| And by the way... | ||
| This is only helping it. | ||
| It's only helping it. | ||
| People are not going to stop. | ||
| Charlie Sheen is fucking, for whatever reason, man, he's grandfathered in. | ||
| Charlie Sheen ain't going nowhere. | ||
| He could do coke all day. | ||
| He could bang hookers. | ||
| He could threaten his wife with a knife. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| He's fucking smiling on camera on Monday. | ||
| I like how the LA police won't even do any investigations to these alleged cocaine briefcase charges. | ||
| I was like, wait a second. | ||
| If somebody has a briefcase of cocaine, maybe you should find out what the fuck. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That was Ohio, they would. | ||
| First of all, it's all hearsay. | ||
| You can't take this hooker's word for it. | ||
| Or porn star, whoever's saying it. | ||
| First of all, there's that. | ||
| And then second of all, what are you going to do? | ||
| You're going to question him about whether or not he had cocaine for real? | ||
| And he's going to say no. | ||
| And then he's going to say, where's your evidence? | ||
| Where's this from? | ||
| And then the evidence is just some girl talking about it. | ||
| Unless that girl wants to go in and talk to the government. | ||
| And what does she know? | ||
| She knows a guy came over with cocaine. | ||
| You were doing cocaine, so you were doing something illegal too. | ||
| Yeah, well, sorry. | ||
| Does Charlie pay you to fuck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know that's prostitution. | ||
| Can I call my lawyer? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| TMZ has this awesome article on yesterday where Charlie Sheen's old friend or publicist or something like that used to hang in his life and get in a lot of trouble with him. | ||
| And then he kind of disappeared for a few years. | ||
| Well, lately he's been hanging out with this guy again. | ||
| So they found him the other day. | ||
| Charlie's been hanging out with this guy. | ||
| Yeah, Charlie's been hanging out with this guy again recently. | ||
| And so they found him yesterday walking on the street somewhere in Sunset or something. | ||
| And he had an Enjoy Coke shirt on. | ||
| And they're like, huh, interesting. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| It's also a testimony of what a great actor Charlie Sheen is. | ||
| What? | ||
| Just listen. | ||
| Listen to my theory, dude. | ||
| Listen to my theory, okay? | ||
| When you act, some actors get acting coaches, right? | ||
| They get the script, right? | ||
| They memorize their lines. | ||
| They have to go to table reads rehearsals. | ||
| This dude just shows up, you know what I mean? | ||
| Just after a two-night bender, right? | ||
| Once you've been on a sitcom for that long, it becomes very easy. | ||
| News radio, the last couple seasons was super easy. | ||
| News radio, we were working three days a week. | ||
| It was so easy. | ||
| And we would get a script, and then we'd fuck around with it for a couple of days, and then we'd put it up on Friday. | ||
| A sweatshop. | ||
| And no one watched it. | ||
| You guys worked hard, and you guys had weird guidance, man. | ||
| Yeah, we had nine Mexicans watch. | ||
| Those two dudes that were running it, man, those guys had odd tastes. | ||
| Oh, it was the weirdest show I've ever heard. | ||
| I hosted it once, and that's one of the times... | ||
| I knew you before that, though, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I hope that's where I met Brian Cowan and I hosted it once and I remember like talking to them about my like they wanted me to do a monologue and it's just like you know so I'm like all right I'll talk about this and I'll talk about that and yeah you know all right but it was just it was a real awkward I was like how the fuck did these guys get to be running some sort of a sketch show no it was the weirdest sketch show ever not only that it's like no one there was no like idea like people could just walk in We're a TV show. | ||
| I just had people walk and go, hey, in my hallway where my dressing room is. | ||
| Hey, man, what's up? | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| I'm watching the show. | ||
| How are you back here? | ||
| How'd they get back there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No security. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why did you guys film at? | ||
| I never met a security guard. | ||
| No security. | ||
| No, it was on Highland in Santa Monica. | ||
| It did sort of seem like a factory. | ||
| It seemed weird. | ||
| It didn't seem like a regular show. | ||
| And then we would have big storms sometimes. | ||
| Like Jackie Chan did it once. | ||
| Like, what are you doing here? | ||
| You're legitimate. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You're an international superstar. | ||
| It went on forever, too. | ||
| Yeah, and I behaved like a fucking asshole toward the end. | ||
| I pooped in Lauren Dombrowski's office floor. | ||
| On her floor? | ||
| Yeah, because I was so mad at her. | ||
| Why were you mad at her? | ||
| Because they deceive you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Lauren Debrowski did? | ||
| No, she passed away. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I knew her from back in Boston when she was on a comedy team. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love her. | |
| She saved my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I love Lauren. | ||
| And the shit on her floor because you love her? | ||
| No, but it was as a joke and there were two actors writing in there. | ||
| Ike and Nicole Parker were writing and I go, stick this Tums in your asshole. | ||
| Just for a joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tums? | |
| Tums. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So I stuck it in my butthole and then my butthole started foaming and then they both started laughing like really loud and then I shot the Tums out of my butthole and then a piece of poop came up after that, right? | ||
| And it was a huge laugh and then Lauren, poor Lauren, you know, walks in and she sees a Tums that's foaming and a piece of poop on the floor and I had to clean it up. | ||
| So stuff like that, you know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because when no one watches it and like we had free ranges to act just as crazy as... | ||
| Why was it so bad? | ||
| What was bad is because there's no real boss, right? | ||
| And also what happened was Fox didn't own it. | ||
| Warner Brothers did, right? | ||
| And so Warner Brothers didn't care about it, right? | ||
| Fox didn't care about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And no one watched it. | ||
| And I don't know how it stayed on. | ||
| But every year they would go, yeah, you're going to come back. | ||
| I go, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You and I used to have these conversations at the back of the comedy store where you didn't know what to do. | ||
| You're like, I don't know what to do. | ||
| I mean, they're giving me X amount of dollars a week. | ||
| It's a steady job, but it's fucking terrible. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| You fucking hated it, dude. | ||
| Oh, I hated it. | ||
| I mean, at five in the morning, you'd show up, no one's there. | ||
| You would have this look on your face, man, sometimes. | ||
| You would have this look on your face where you're just like, you didn't know what to do. | ||
| I cried a lot. | ||
| You fucking hated it. | ||
| I cried so much on that job. | ||
| So at 5 in the morning, you mean when you'd show up for work? | ||
| 5 o'clock call, you'd show up. | ||
| There's no one there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No one? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then at 5.45, people start showing up. | ||
| I go, why did you call me? | ||
| Who runs this thing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Call times are always brutal. | ||
| Oh, I hate it. | ||
| I hate when they get you in early justice. | ||
| They lie. | ||
| They're liars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They are liars. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You show up at 5, and then you shoot at 8 at night. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because, well, first of all, because comedians are irresponsible. | ||
| You have to take that into account. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You are, I am... | ||
| Joey Diaz is the most irresponsible person I've ever met in my fucking life. | ||
| Ari's fairly responsible, but even him is pretty nuts. | ||
| Another time I got in trouble, they sued me. | ||
| One of the actors tried to sue me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was her first day of work. | ||
| She finally gets on a sketch show. | ||
| She's on Mad Men and she was on the cover of Playboy. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Her name is Krista Flanagan. | ||
| Hold on, we're going to Google it. | ||
| Playboy, put that on. | ||
| Christa with a C? Yeah, C-R-I-S-T-A. One of my best friends in the whole world. | ||
| She is? | ||
| Yeah, she is. | ||
| How do you spell her last name? | ||
| Flanagan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
F-L-A-N-A-G-A-N. You guys, you have very weird friendships. | |
| Why? | ||
| Because, you know, you're friends with somebody, you poop on their floor, you're friends with somebody, you get sued. | ||
| So you said she was in Playboy? | ||
| No, but yeah, but Flanagan didn't know me. | ||
| Her first day of work, five in the morning, she shows up and we had rehearsals in the actor's rehearsal hall. | ||
| And she's sitting on the couch. | ||
| I had no idea who she was. | ||
| She was eating yogurt. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So I was so early. | ||
| I'm delirious. | ||
| I had like 30 minutes of sleep. | ||
| I walked up to her. | ||
| I grabbed the back of her head and I farted in her mouth while she was in yogurt. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She starts crying. | ||
| Joe, she started crying. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So then Ron Peterson, who you know who Ron Peterson is, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| The guy that went out with Natasha, you know, that whole thing? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know what the whole controversy between people are. | ||
| I know with Ari. | ||
| I know there was a controversy with Ari. | ||
| Where Natasha left with a mad TV guy, Ron Peterson is the guy. | ||
| She's very pretty. | ||
| She farted in her mouth. | ||
| You're a confident man. | ||
| What made you so confident to fart in this pretty girl's face? | ||
| I would fart in her mouth. | ||
| So then Ron Peterson physically attacked me, Mike McDonald on the show. | ||
| While you farted her? | ||
| No, after that because she started crying. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you farted. | ||
| In her mouth. | ||
| In her mouth. | ||
| With yogurt. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was eating yogurt. | |
| So she's eating. | ||
| You come by. | ||
| You fart in her mouth. | ||
| When you grabbed her, did your butt touch her face? | ||
| No, I had my jeans on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But did your jeans touch her face? | ||
| But you know how it's powerful that you can go through two layers of underwear and jeans? | ||
| You felt a strong one. | ||
| Yeah, like that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| A lot of push behind it. | ||
| It doesn't go... | ||
| Did your genes come in contact with her skin? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| With her lips. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Right in her mouth. | ||
| She started crying, and then check it out. | ||
| So who attacks you? | ||
| So Ron Peterson attacks me, right? | ||
| What does this Ron Peterson look like? | ||
| He's a Canadian comedian, actor. | ||
| So he comes after you. | ||
| Yeah, and Mike McDonald puts him in a headlock. | ||
| Puts Peterson in a headlock? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is he punching you? | ||
| Because he's physically attacking me. | ||
| People do that to me all the time. | ||
| They just want to physically assault me. | ||
| I'm just one of those guys. | ||
| So then two days later, my manager, Abby, we had to sit there in front of the mad TV lawyers, and there was an awkward moment where they have it on tape. | ||
| They go, explain to me what happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I go, I showed up at work. | |
| And I'm like, I see this girl. | ||
| I don't know where. | ||
| She's eating yogurt. | ||
| She opened her mouth. | ||
| Anyway, I farted in her face. | ||
| In her mouth. | ||
| And then there was a 15 second awkward pause. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Where people were like writing things down. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And then one guy just says, why? | ||
| Right? | ||
| And I go... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And they showed up. | ||
| So I made a deal where I bought her a $500 gift certificate to Burke Williams. | ||
| Gave it to her the next couple of days. | ||
| And I wrote her into a popular sketch that I did. | ||
| And everything was fine. | ||
| Became very good friends. | ||
| Damn, fart in my mouth and make it Best Buy. | ||
| Wow, man. | ||
| You know, it's an unfortunate thing when people try to fuck around on sets and just have fun. | ||
| You never know right before you do something sometimes if it's too far. | ||
| Patrice O'Neill had a really funny point once where Patrice was talking about Imus. | ||
| About when Imus got in trouble for saying something about black people. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he said that no one knows exactly what the fuck they're going to say before they say things like that. | ||
| And sometimes you say things that are across the line. | ||
| But that's where all funny comes from. | ||
| If it misses or it hits, it's still coming from the same place. | ||
| It's just trying to get a laugh. | ||
| And he's totally right. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like people that aren't in the comedy business, man, they don't really understand that. | ||
| In order to be really funny, you can't really have very many boundaries. | ||
| And you know where we're from. | ||
| We're from like, you know... | ||
| The store. | ||
| The store guys like that. | ||
| I have so many pictures of you naked, dude. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I have pictures of you tucked, standing in the middle of the... | ||
| I've been assaulted there. | ||
| I've been raped there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been... | |
| All kinds of things have happened growing up in the... | ||
| I have a series of pictures of you with your pants down at the Comedy Store from over the years, where most of them he has his dick tucked in between his legs, and his legs pinched together, and your shirt is off. | ||
| Probably on a Sunday, too. | ||
| Who cares, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's probably a Tuesday. | ||
| And then you show up at a corporate workplace, like a network show, and you bring that into there, and they're like, no. | ||
| Yeah, no, no, no. | ||
| Yeah, when we were on news radio, there was a lot of chaos for a while because they would let us drink on the set. | ||
| So we would be done with the show and we would get fucking hammered. | ||
| We would get so hammered that no one knows this because I never took... | ||
| I shouldn't have done this. | ||
| We blamed it on some band. | ||
| We had a band that was at our studio or on the stage. | ||
| I forget what the band was. | ||
| Some, like, very heavy metal band. | ||
| So it was perfect, like, to blame it on them. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they were in a scene with us. | ||
| God, I want to say Anthrax. | ||
| Was that a band? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They were, right? | ||
| One dude had a shaved head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, anyway, we were all hanging around. | ||
| It was me and Dave Foley and Maura Tierney just fucking smashed. | ||
| Smashed. | ||
| And then we're hungry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Maura goes, we can only get in the craft service room. | ||
| And I'm like, I can get in that room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I fucking Taekwondo'd the door. | ||
| I kicked the door, smashed the door frame. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, one kick. | ||
| I kicked open the door and went inside and we fucking chowed down, opened up the fridge, and then they were so pissed the next day they're blaming it on the band. | ||
| And we were like, yeah, that's fucked up. | ||
| Like, that's terrible. | ||
| Those guys were fucking... | ||
| And they were gonna, like, stop drinking on the set because of it. | ||
| Andy would get smashed. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And Andy would bring these shady fucking characters over. | ||
| It would just be strange smells coming out of this fucking dressing room. | ||
| It was just a fun, fun set, man. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| You don't get real good comedy unless you get the type of people that don't have that many boundaries. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People that'll go out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People that have pulled their fucking pants down. | ||
| All my friends that are comics, they pull their pants down. | ||
| They do stupid shit. | ||
| They say, I dare you to go do this. | ||
| They're probably going to do it if it's funny. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've seen like nine, ten comics penises over the last week, so You know what I mean? | ||
| Like Chris D'Elia's, Polly's. | ||
| I've seen Polly Short's penis, I'm not even lying, 832 times over a lifetime. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And it's just, I didn't ask. | ||
| Chris D'Elia's penis look like Al Magical's penis? | ||
| D'Elia's penis, by the way, is very large. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Anyway, but people don't know... | ||
| Tell that to Al Magical. | ||
| Was Magical's penis big? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's pretty large too, I guess. | ||
| No, I don't think it is. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| That Al Magical has a big dick? | ||
| Yeah, it's impossible. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How come? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Because he's a-Hispanic. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Hispanics don't have little dicks. | ||
| They have huge monster dicks. | ||
| How many Mexicans are you blowing? | ||
| No, no, they're not blowing any Mexicans. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| They have big penises. | ||
| They don't have small ones. | ||
| But they're not the black, big penis people. | ||
| They're not black people. | ||
| But neither are Irish people. | ||
| Well, Irish people are supposedly small penises. | ||
| No, they have thick penises. | ||
| Irish curse. | ||
| To me, the only difference between a Mexican guy and an Asian guy, except for culturally, but physically I'm talking about, is the eyes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, the eyes. | ||
| If you take a Mexican guy, you get him really high, he's fucking from Okinawa. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Well, they are Asian, really, because what American Indians are, it's people that came down from the Bering Strait. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Well, some people have a different theory that mankind started in America and they went the other way. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Well, you know, that's also possible. | ||
| Human beings have been around so long, they've made a bunch of recent discoveries that have way, way, way pushed back the dates of civilization. | ||
| We were talking about this on the podcast recently about Crete. | ||
| It's an island that's 40 miles away from the shore and it's been that way for over 5 million years. | ||
| And they found these stone tools that may be as old as 700,000 years old. | ||
| They're at least 100,000 years old. | ||
| So they know 100,000 years ago, dudes were getting on boats and traveling 40 miles. | ||
| I mean, that's amazing shit. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of shit we don't know about people, man. | ||
| There's a lot of shit we don't know about people. | ||
| But as far as like, what we do know is that the people that were in Asia are the same people that were North American Indians. | ||
| And then North American Indians got fucked by Spaniards and they created Mexicans. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| That's why some Mexicans look like Indians. | ||
| They look like, you know, you could just make a fucking headdress and he'd be sitting bull, you know? | ||
| And what else people don't understand is that, you know, Japanese and Koreans, which I'm Korean, right? | ||
| We have cacazoid strains in our DNA because there's, you know, we're from Mongolia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And they're so close to Russia, right, that it mixed a little bit. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So we have that, you know what I mean? | ||
| So I'm kind of white. | ||
| Well, Russia, there's a lot of parts of Russia, like Siberia especially, where the people look very Asian. | ||
| They look like Bjork. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So they have a weird, you know, sort of an Inuit look to them. | ||
| Yeah, it's a trip, man. | ||
| It's really a trip about Asians. | ||
| The real trip is the stereotype that they look exactly the same. | ||
| And they don't, of course, look exactly the same. | ||
| I don't have to tell you that. | ||
| But it is kind of weird that you have an entire group of people with narrow eyes and the same color skin and black hair. | ||
| I mean, there's like zero variation. | ||
| That's crazy that there's a billion people like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A billion plus, really. | ||
| I mean, that's really amazing when you look at the very minute amount of variation as opposed to European countries and even African countries. | ||
| But let me say something to you, okay? | ||
| It's just that, okay, I ran into you and Eddie once at the Sherman Oaks Galleria. | ||
| You guys were working out at the gym there, okay? | ||
| And I was maybe 100 feet away from you, right? | ||
| And there was probably 20 other Asians in my area, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And you from a hundred yards go, Bobby. | ||
| And I turned around, right? | ||
| Was it like that too? | ||
| Like, hey, Bobby. | ||
| Yeah, you yelled from like a hundred yards. | ||
| So I talk at the gym. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, it wasn't in the gym. | ||
| It was outside the gym, right? | ||
| It was outside the gym. | ||
| And so you recognized me from a hundred yards away amongst Asians. | ||
| So we don't look alike. | ||
| Well, Bobby, I know who you are. | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| My eyes are good. | ||
| I'm healthy. | ||
| I eat carrots. | ||
| So what I'm saying is that we do have differences. | ||
| Sure, you have variations in the same theme. | ||
| The same theme over and over again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what you're saying? | |
| Yeah, the same skin color. | ||
| Look, this is not racist. | ||
| There's a bunch of people right now. | ||
| This is not dedicated to you. | ||
| This is dedicated to the people that will start fucking complaining either on a message board or on Twitter. | ||
| I heard that shit you said about Asians. | ||
| It's so racist. | ||
| No, it's just an observation. | ||
| I don't find it racist. | ||
| To me, it's a fascinating thing. | ||
| There's nothing negative about it. | ||
| But what's fascinating is that, especially in China and Japan, there are a gigantic group of people that look very, very similar. | ||
| And there's not a lot of black influence. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Not a lot of European influence. | ||
| The fact that they were able to stay so pure for so long is really quite shocking. | ||
| When you look at the history of the human race, the human race has been around for however many hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years, that they've been so concentrated in this area that it's been Asians breeding with Asians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Almost exclusively. | ||
| But for a long time. | ||
| That's the reason why I've only dated one Asian girl in my whole life. | ||
| You said guy and slipped up. | ||
| I said girl, Patty. | ||
| I heard you said guy first. | ||
| Girl. | ||
| She was a Power Ranger. | ||
| In the space one. | ||
| When they went to space. | ||
| She was hot, right? | ||
| She was beautiful. | ||
| So when I was in the bed with her, you know how it's dark and your eyes get adjusted to the light a little bit, the darkness? | ||
| You saw yourself? | ||
| No, I didn't see yourself. | ||
| I saw the guy from Heroes. | ||
| I saw the lady from Grey's Anatomy. | ||
| I saw my uncle Han. | ||
| I saw Kim Jong-il. | ||
| I saw everybody. | ||
| Kim Jong-il. | ||
| And after that, I said, I can't do it anymore. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So the girls that I date are always either six foot two blonde Scandinavian looking ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Or like, you know, skinny tall Mexicans that are, you know what I mean? | ||
| But it cannot be Asians. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I knew a girl who was Chinese and she had a thing with her dad and just Asian guys made her throw up. | ||
| Like, she couldn't even imagine an Asian guy fucking her. | ||
| She's so sad. | ||
| Like, you poor kid. | ||
| Yeah, I'm the same way. | ||
| If you're so, just one group, just fucking whoever was the representative of that one group fucked up so hard. | ||
| Yeah, but that's, you know, the Asian parents are really the worst. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They are the worst because they come to this country and they just assume that they're going to have their children here and that they're going to be doctors and lawyers. | ||
| I mean, that's flat out. | ||
| There's like three options, right? | ||
| So if you come home with C's, you're going to get a beat. | ||
| I got beat so hard, bro. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, just beat because I got a C on my report card. | ||
| Now, how do your parents feel now that you're real successful as a comedian? | ||
| Do they accept that? | ||
| No, but when they first started doing stand-up, they didn't talk to me for years, bro. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I would say for birthdays, I'd go, happy birthday. | ||
| Thanks, Dad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, bye. | |
| That's it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But I understand culturally what that's about, right? | ||
| And then when they saw me on The Tonight Show, Leno, like 12 years ago, I did it, right? | ||
| That was the first moment where they went, Oh, we fuck up. | ||
| We totally fuck up. | ||
| So my dad called me emotionally, and I'd never seen the guy cry before. | ||
| And he started crying on the phone and goes, I should have supported you, but I didn't because I never thought you could make it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I made a mistake. | ||
| That's heavy, man. | ||
| Yeah, and it was like the bond. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That they discovered that they made a mistake. | ||
| The whole time, like me getting bad grades in school, me getting kicked out of school, you know what I mean? | ||
| And all the behavioral problems. | ||
| You need that to be a comedian. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I don't know a single comedian that got straight A's and fucking studied all the time and had a lot of options. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe Dane. | |
| Dane. | ||
| Dane did good in school, I think. | ||
| Dane? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's his fucking problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, that's the root of it right there. | |
| And that's why my last point is the reason why that guy Chiu Sung-wee shot up Virginia Tech. | ||
| Because his parents were just super suppressive. | ||
| His parents, okay, always saw the kid talking to imaginary people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In the park, you know, in like a park. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Now, a normal parent would go, oh, that is a mistake. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's something wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But since the kid was getting good grades in school, they just go, you know what? | ||
| He's getting good grades. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They never address the problem that he's fucking crazy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, my parents, you know, I got bad grades, but I was always a good guy. | ||
| Like, if I saw a homeless guy, you know what I mean? | ||
| I would give them a dime or whatever I had in my pocket, you know what I mean? | ||
| And I was never an evil person, you know what I mean? | ||
| I had a good heart, right? | ||
| But they didn't acknowledge that part of me, you know what I mean? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| They only acknowledged that, is he getting good grades? | ||
| What college is he going to go do, right? | ||
| So as soon as the guy shot up the school, the Korean community harbored, okay, this kid. | ||
| The appearance of the kid. | ||
| So that's why you can't find an interview online with the parents, like what the fuck happened, right? | ||
| The Koreans harbored the parents, so the media couldn't get to them, then they shipped them to Korea. | ||
| They shipped the parents to Korea? | ||
| Yeah, the Koreans don't live here anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They live in Korea, hiding, you know what I mean, in Pusong or something, in some village. | ||
| It's kind of a fascinating thing that when someone does something fucked up, you never blame who made them. | ||
| If my dog goes out and bites people, all of a sudden, you asshole, what did you do with your dog? | ||
| Why is your dog so mean? | ||
| How come your dog wasn't contained in your yard? | ||
| But if your kid goes out and fucking shoots people and shoots up a school, nobody pulls you aside and goes, hey, what the fuck was going on when this one was being made? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, you saw Jeffrey Dahmer's parents still defend themselves. | ||
| You can't defend that shit. | ||
| You can, but you can't rather, but who's to say that someone can't just be broken? | ||
| Who's to say that you can't just have normal people and this kid's just got a fucking wild screw loose, period. | ||
| And there's nothing you can do about it. | ||
| But can I say something, Joe? | ||
| And I disagree with you on this point, okay? | ||
| Because, you know, I met your daughters, right? | ||
| Just these well-adjusted, beautiful kids, right? | ||
| I guarantee you they're not going to eat somebody, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They will not eat somebody. | ||
| That's a poor example because that's just a few that worked out well. | ||
| We're not talking about the average person. | ||
| The thing about Dahmer is a perfect example because apparently he was never abused. | ||
| But his parents weren't together. | ||
| They weren't together, but that doesn't mean anything. | ||
| And the father, when he saw Dahmer with a dead dog, I brought home a dead animal, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| To my dad. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I go, look daddy, I found a cat. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| He beat the shit out of me until I could no longer even move. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I never brought home dead cats anymore. | ||
| Did he make you eat it? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay, but this is... | ||
| This is... | ||
| This is a guy that was killing a bunch of things when he was really young, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's one of the few cases, from what I've read online, maybe you know more about the case than I do, but from what I've read more online, there's no evidence that he was ever molested, never had any stories about it, and his parents were seemingly normal. | ||
| Maybe you're right. | ||
| Maybe you're right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I think a lot of it has to do with upbringing. | ||
| Nurture, yes. | ||
| A lot of it does, but maybe not all of it. | ||
| I mean, look, if someone can be completely psychotic like that Virginia Tech Struder or like many other serial killers, I mean, who knows? | ||
| There might be a variety of things that can go wrong. | ||
| It might not just be nurture. | ||
| It might also be nature. | ||
| That might be possible. | ||
| But there also, I mean, you have to admit, though, that there is a mental deficiency, right? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Something going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there are medications out there, right? | ||
| Are there medications that can give you a soul? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Because I think there's some people that are sociopaths, and they literally, they have no feeling for other people. | ||
| All they think about themselves, we know a bunch of them. | ||
| We know a few comics that are sociopaths. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You know, Mencia is a clear sociopath. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| No question. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's a disconnect between, you know, these people and reality. | ||
| For whatever reason, and almost all of them, it's some sort of sexual abuse when they're young. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Almost all of them. | ||
| Well, you know, Mencia, I guess it came out in a different way, that was what you're saying. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Instead of, like, slaughtering a village. | ||
| Well, it can come out in a bunch of different ways. | ||
| It can come out in drug addiction. | ||
| It can come out in, you know, prostitution, and girls who do porn, you know? | ||
| But you know my view on Mencia, you know? | ||
| That, you know, I see a side to him that no one, like you guys, don't see. | ||
| Play the music. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't know what music. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Give me some love music. | ||
| Look, I know, you've been with him for a long time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So I don't see the sociopath. | ||
| Well, you're like the neighbor that, you know, when, well, what was Dahmer like? | ||
| Well, he was a nice guy. | ||
| He always said hi. | ||
| Yeah, maybe I am the neighbor. | ||
| He was always kind to me. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Maybe I'm the neighbor. | ||
| You're the neighbor, right. | ||
| But the neighbor that doesn't get it. | ||
| Look, no one who's evil is evil to everybody. | ||
| I mean, fucking, maybe Ed Gein had a nice cat, you know, that he treated well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| I love that guy, Ed Gein. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Creepy. | |
| Do you? | ||
| Well, just in the sense that, like, you know what I mean, inspiring these huge movies like, you know, Silence of the Lambs and... | ||
| Yeah, it's a fucking scary thing because he was doing it back when there was no other examples of it. | ||
| That was just what he's supposed to be doing. | ||
| It's not like this guy learned about it in movies and shit. | ||
| No, he was making clothes out of people. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I think making a lampshade is worse than making clothes. | ||
| They found lampshades from World War II that Nazis made out of Jews. | ||
| They found one recently. | ||
| It was preserved. | ||
| It's horrendous. | ||
| No one's going to buy that. | ||
| How could you put that out in your living room? | ||
| Sick of some people, man. | ||
| Did they make clothing too? | ||
| Or just lampshades? | ||
| Did they have Jew bras? | ||
| I think they just fucking slaughtered people and did whatever they wanted to them. | ||
| Don't ever say two bras. | ||
| Don't ever say two bras in front of me again. | ||
| Do you have in your house like a room devoted to Kim Jong-il? | ||
| Like newspaper articles all over a wall and circles and private investigator photos? | ||
| Do you know him? | ||
| Do you meet him? | ||
| Why would I know him? | ||
| Because it seems like he would be your enemy right now if I was you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because it seems like he's in everything right now. | ||
| Do you feel some kind of competition? | ||
| I don't know anything about the dude. | ||
| Brian has brain damage. | ||
| When he was a young man, he was asleep and he lived in an apartment. | ||
| And for years, carbon dioxide was blown on his head. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| Brain damage. | ||
| Can I just say something to you? | ||
| When I was born, I saw all the shows that you saw. | ||
| I lived in America. | ||
| I listened to the Beatles. | ||
| I smoked high with my friends on a hammock. | ||
| When did your parents come here? | ||
| In the late 60s, right? | ||
| And what's crazy about my parents is they didn't even meet in Korea. | ||
| They met here. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They met in a disco. | ||
| And they're both super Korean. | ||
| They're super Korean, but yeah. | ||
| Very traditionalists. | ||
| I mean, not now. | ||
| So now you grew up in San Diego, right? | ||
| Now, that's where I met Bobby. | ||
| When I met Bobby, Bobby was... | ||
| Bobby was a doorman. | ||
| You were a doorman? | ||
| I was a doorman. | ||
| It was like 97, 96, maybe? | ||
| Maybe, yeah. | ||
| Maybe earlier. | ||
| Maybe earlier, yeah. | ||
| I had just moved to LA. I'd only been here for a little while, and I was doing a weekend at the La Jolla Comedy Store, and it was me and Jimmy Schubert and Bobby. | ||
| I think Diaz was with us. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think Diaz was still in Seattle at the time. | ||
| And we went to a strip club in San Diego and there was these Mexican gangbangers that were like the real deal, like tattooed tears in their face. | ||
| And this one dude, he had these crazy murderer eyes. | ||
| And Jimmy Schubert was like, I don't know what happened. | ||
| Jimmy was trying to get a dance from one of their girlfriends or something or said something to one of their girlfriends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so the guy got up and he got in Jimmy Schubert's face and Jimmy Schubert was trying to apologize. | ||
| And Bobby Lee just got all crazy. | ||
| Like, fuck these fucking pussies. | ||
| Bobby Lee, like, these guys ain't shit. | ||
| These guys are pussies. | ||
| And he was saying it, like, loud. | ||
| And the guys were looking at us. | ||
| And I just got up and I said, I'm leaving right now. | ||
| Whoever's coming with me is coming with me. | ||
| I'm leaving right now. | ||
| Like, I knew. | ||
| We were, like, moments away from someone getting shot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I don't have street smarts. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You talk about negative street smarts. | ||
| These dudes had tattoos on their face. | ||
| There's certain dudes where you look at them and you go, these guys are posers. | ||
| These guys were murderers. | ||
| There's no question about it. | ||
| We were 15 minutes away from Tijuana. | ||
| And this is the old days when it wasn't even hard to go back and forth. | ||
| Back in the 90s, bro, you needed a driver's license. | ||
| That's all you needed. | ||
| You didn't have to have a passport to go to Mexico or come back and forth. | ||
| Dudes were coming back and forth all the time. | ||
| Oh, and cab drivers didn't even... | ||
| They could just drive back and forth, cab drivers. | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| It is easy. | ||
| So there was a lot of crime and dangerous crime. | ||
| It was like you would run into pockets of extreme danger. | ||
| And that's when we were involved in a pocket of extreme danger. | ||
| And there's Bob being, fuck these guys! | ||
| These guys ain't shit! | ||
| Fuck you guys, these are pussies! | ||
| These guys are pussies! | ||
| He's like saying it loud. | ||
| And I don't know if you were drunk at the time. | ||
| You might have been drinking. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Were you sober? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was 23. I just left the hometown Poway was where I grew up. | ||
| Poway? | ||
| Yeah, it's called Poway. | ||
| It's outside of San Diego? | ||
| Yeah, it's like 25 minutes east of downtown San Diego. | ||
| And I didn't know much. | ||
| I just started doing stand-up. | ||
| I wanted to impress you because you're a headliner and I'd never met headliners. | ||
| He's a headliner, so I wanted to act tough. | ||
| And I came across looking like a fucking asshole. | ||
| Well, it's not how you came across. | ||
| It was the threat that you had put us into. | ||
| You'd put us in a position where... | ||
| Yeah, I apologized over the last 15 years. | ||
| Oh, it's no big deal, buddy. | ||
| It's just a funny story, man. | ||
| I still love you. | ||
| It's just a funny story, but I just remember, like, this little motherfucker's gonna get me killed. | ||
| Yeah, and I remember that. | ||
| I remember it vividly. | ||
| Yeah, he was so incredulous. | ||
| Even now, we're waiting to get in the car. | ||
| Ah, you guys are overreacting. | ||
| I'm like, get in the fucking car! | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've seen murderers before. | ||
| I've met them. | ||
| There's a certain tweak in a person's eye when they've already killed somebody. | ||
| Sounds like nonsense. | ||
| But, Joe, I was just in South Africa. | ||
| I did some shows out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Three o'clock in the afternoon, I walked out of my hotel room, and all of a sudden, I'm on the floor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I go, why am I on the dirt, right? | ||
| And these two black guys from South Africa were robbing me. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And I don't have any smarts. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So would they hit you with something? | ||
| Or they'd throw you out of the ground? | ||
| No, I walked out and I saw these two guys kind of following me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, oh, I don't have that instinct. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And the next thing I know, they throw me onto the ground, these two huge black dudes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then my face is in the dirt and they take my Blackberry and I had some cash in the other pocket, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| They ran off and then Ian Bagg, you know Ian Bagg? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh huh. | |
| Yeah, Ian Bagg and I looked for two hours for them. | ||
| What are we going to do? | ||
| I know, nothing. | ||
| Why would you look for it? | ||
| Because I was going to buy my Blackberry off of them. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like they're going to accept money and give you something that's worth money for your money. | |
| Fuck you. | ||
| That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. | ||
| I'm just telling you this happened and the thing is I just don't have any street smarts. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I just don't have that instinct. | ||
| I grew up in the suburbs. | ||
| Wow, that's not just not having street smarts. | ||
| That's like, you haven't thought this out. | ||
| And Ian Bagg was down with this plan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's his problem? | ||
| He's from Canada. | ||
| I think me and Bobby grew up together in the same apartment. | ||
| He's Canadian. | ||
| Wow, that's pretty crazy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So that's the same kind of thing. | ||
| Africa's very tricky, isn't it? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| How long were you there for? | ||
| A month and a half. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| What were you doing there for a month and a half? | ||
| I did a bunch of shows in Johannesburg, Durban, and Cape Town. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It was crazy, bro. | ||
| I did it with great comics. | ||
| So Mencia... | ||
| Not Mencia. | ||
| Pablo Francisco. | ||
| You keep getting them confused. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Pablo Francisco. | ||
| You know all those... | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Gabriel Glazer. | ||
| No. | ||
| It was Pablo, me... | ||
| Ian, Orny Adams. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Okay, I saw a photo with you and Orny online somewhere. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what was the experience like? | ||
| First of all, what are the audiences like? | ||
| They're Africans? | ||
| No, they're just white and blacks. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| The best audiences I've ever played in front of. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You crush. | ||
| You absolutely crush, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because comedy is only like 10 years old there. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And you turn on the TV, you see Two and a Half Men, all these shows that they get from America, right? | ||
| But they can't do it themselves. | ||
| No, they have a couple. | ||
| There's a guy named Trevor Noah, who's a huge star out there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a black guy. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| And there's another guy named Louiso, right? | ||
| So it's new. | ||
| If you're a stand-up in South Africa, you get ad campaigns. | ||
| Like, just Verizon and Trevor Noah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Just huge posters. | ||
| It's a market. | ||
| Dude, Dunham is now playing out there. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Jeff Dunham. | ||
| Like, everyone's going out there now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great. | |
| Rogan, Joe, you would kill! | ||
| There's plenty of places I don't get to go to in America. | ||
| I gotta get back to Houston. | ||
| I haven't been to Chicago in a year and a half. | ||
| I'm not going to fucking Africa. | ||
| Yeah, but what I'm saying is that if they don't know me, you know what I mean, and they're still coming out... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, they probably got Mad TV, didn't they? | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| They don't know who the fuck I am. | ||
| I open, bro. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I had Orny and all these guys go after me. | ||
| Well, they know who Orny is? | ||
| No, but the thing is, is that the producers of the show were like, because Asians are third-class citizens there. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| We're like the blacks of South Africa, right? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So it's like, you know, we were like riding in the back of the bus up until 10 years ago. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They had a back of a bus for Asians? | ||
| I like back of the bus. | ||
| Yeah, they just, they were not, we weren't able to vote. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like 15 years ago. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So they view me as like, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like scum of them, which is crazy. | ||
| It is absolutely unfathomable. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So I went up first and I could feel every show, dude. | ||
| People going, oh man. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I just knew, you know, bang, bang. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you could feel that they were judging you? | ||
| Not judging me, but there was a feeling of like, what the fuck is this shit, right? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How is that not judging you? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But the thing is, I know as soon as I opened my mouth and I just said the first couple jokes, I had them on my side. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You just crush. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because A, they've never really seen Asians that have an American accent that doesn't have an accent. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So that in itself is shocking to them. | ||
| And B, me just talking like an American, which I am, and then me C, being funny, you know what I mean, shocked them too, you know what I mean? | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| So it's crazy, yeah. | ||
| So you were there for a month and a half? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many shows did you do? | ||
| Oh, I got a lot, bro. | ||
| I did like... | ||
| I don't know, 35? | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| 30 to 35? | ||
| Who booked that? | ||
| There's a festival out there every year. | ||
| You should do it, dude. | ||
| No, I'm not going to go in there for 35 days. | ||
| Oh, you can't do it? | ||
| I don't want to. | ||
| I don't like going for any place. | ||
| I don't even like going places for four days. | ||
| I like three days and done. | ||
| In and out. | ||
| But for me, it was just like, you know, because I've just never been there. | ||
| And also, you know, there was just a slow time, man. | ||
| Wow, 35 fucking days in Africa. | ||
| Did they pay you in gold coins and shrunken heads? | ||
| Yeah, was the AIDS good? | ||
| No, the food... | ||
| Did you worry about malaria? | ||
| No, the money was great. | ||
| George Clooney got malaria. | ||
| Yeah, dude, it's like being... | ||
| He did. | ||
| He did, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he did. | |
| Oh, he did? | ||
| Dude, it's like being anywhere else, kind of. | ||
| Like, if you're in Cape Town, it's like, oh, there's a coffee shop and a clothing store. | ||
| Starbucks are there? | ||
| No, there's another thing called. | ||
| The only difference is they rob you everywhere. | ||
| During the day. | ||
| They have no... | ||
| People get robbed all the time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| One of the producers of the show said, yeah, I was on the freeway during the day, and some black guy just walked up to her door and said, I want the car. | ||
| She just got out and gave him the car. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, pass on Africa, please. | ||
| Is there a lot of flies? | ||
| No, dude! | ||
| Why would you tell me to go to a place where you get robbed all the time? | ||
| What's so great about it? | ||
| Because I'm just saying, though, because I just think that you're a great comedian in stand-up, you know what I mean? | ||
| And I just think that there's no one like you that's ever played there and that you could clean up. | ||
| I don't want to. | ||
| I'm just telling you. | ||
| We could hang out with the Antwerd, man. | ||
| We could just, you know, the whole weekend. | ||
| Antwerd's over here. | ||
| They're hanging out with Jimmy Kimmel. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Love them, too. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| Yeah, I called his cell phone. | ||
| That's his voicemail. | ||
| Yeah, we went gaga on them when they first came out on the podcast. | ||
| But that's how I know about them, because of South Africa. | ||
| So you found out about them way before everybody else. | ||
| Yeah, and also those guys, the way they look, that's what a lot of the white people look like. | ||
| How popular is Dee Antwerd in South Africa? | ||
| Was it huge? | ||
| No, but you go to a hip-hop store. | ||
| They have hip-hop stores, you know what I mean? | ||
| There's a poster or whatever, you know what I mean? | ||
| And they have radio stations that play just regular music. | ||
| It's a normal place, you know? | ||
| It's just all intense. | ||
| It's just new, you know what I mean? | ||
| Civilization is new. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It is new. | ||
| That's what's scary about it, man. | ||
| And it borders so much wild shit. | ||
| But that's how Russell Peters... | ||
| He did his first theater show in South Africa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's how he got the momentum. | ||
| Well, sort of. | ||
| But Russell is just... | ||
| First of all, he has a huge following in the Asian community. | ||
| Yeah, it's huge. | ||
| Indians, Asians. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're just so happy that there's another comic like... | ||
| Or a comic like him out there. | ||
| They just come out in massive droves to support him. | ||
| The community is so strong. | ||
| But Russell sells out like that everywhere. | ||
| It's not just India. | ||
| He does two nights in a row. | ||
| But this is before he had that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| His first theater show was in South Africa. | ||
| How far is that flight? | ||
| Isn't that like 16 hours? | ||
| No, it's a 24-hour deal. | ||
| Because you do 12 to Amsterdam and then you do another 12 to South Africa. | ||
| God damn! | ||
| I know, it's the worst. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it's the worst. | ||
| 24 hours in the air? | ||
| You feel like... | ||
| It feels like two weeks in the air. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And you start sweating. | ||
| You start sweating after a while, right? | ||
| It must wreck your body, too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| What is 24-hour jet lag like? | ||
| It tears you up. | ||
| It tears you up. | ||
| And you have to do... | ||
| Business class, at least. | ||
| Tell me this. | ||
| What the fuck is going on on planes that make you feel so fucking bad when you land? | ||
| Because I feel like I drink. | ||
| I feel like when I'm on a plane, I feel like it's the same feeling I get when I do a show and have three shots. | ||
| That's what it feels like. | ||
| It's the air quality. | ||
| You're pretty much hotboxing with 500 people. | ||
| You're breathing other people's insides. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, and you don't know what... | ||
| People are just filthy animals. | ||
| When you sleep on a plane, you always sleep with your mouth open. | ||
| Because you sit back like this... | ||
| And no matter who you look at, everyone has their mouth open. | ||
| So you're just sitting there going... | ||
| And sucking that in through your mouth. | ||
| What is the way around that? | ||
| There's no way around that. | ||
| Oh, I went to a strip club in South Africa. | ||
| It was the worst place I've ever been to in my life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I did a lap dance from a girl, I kid you not, that looked like Dog the Bonnie Hunter. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I could get into that. | ||
| She had facial hair. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Yeah, her breast was like, you know what I mean, shriveled up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, gross. | |
| It was awful. | ||
| And she was touching you? | ||
| Yeah, she's touching me, but I'm laughing the whole time, you know what I mean? | ||
| So you did it on purpose. | ||
| Yeah, I just did it for fun, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, but it's awful. | ||
| Did you worry about getting robbed there? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No? | ||
| You just don't worry. | ||
| Dude, I got robbed the second of the last day I was there, bro. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So when the guy stole your BlackBerry, did you try to get another one? | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I know I'm leaving this God-forbidden place. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I go back to civilization. | ||
| So you hate it, man. | ||
| You're trying to get me to go there. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| It's a trap. | ||
| Joe, in terms of what you would do there business-wise... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's all. | ||
| To me, what's the most important thing is having fun. | ||
| And 24 hours in the plane is not fun. | ||
| You know, like I got a gig coming up in Australia. | ||
| I'm doing some place called Rudy Hill. | ||
| It's outside of Sydney. | ||
| It's like the suburbs. | ||
| It's like all I could get because it was like a late last minute thing. | ||
| And that's because I'm doing the UFC out there. | ||
| I like doing those gigs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm doing the UFC. And so the night before, I'll do a gig somewhere in Australia. | ||
| And I've done them in England. | ||
| And I've done them in Ireland. | ||
| I've done them all over the place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm not traveling somewhere for 24 fucking hours to do an audience. | ||
| Just to do a show. | ||
| Yeah, I can do that in Burbank, man. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I can get in my car and do that. | ||
| That's just too crazy. | ||
| It's too much of a commitment. | ||
| Yeah, but that's the only... | ||
| When you're at a point in your life where right now the only revenue you're getting is through live shows, you just kind of have to go, fuck it. | ||
| Yeah, but why fuck it when you just build up your audience in America, man? | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| I mean, I don't... | ||
| There's nothing wrong with doing it. | ||
| I mean, there's nothing wrong with traveling. | ||
| But for me, first of all, part of it is kids. | ||
| I have kids. | ||
| I can't just go somewhere for a month. | ||
| That would fucking drive me crazy. | ||
| Yeah, but I wanted to see great white sharks and shit like that, you know, too. | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of interesting. | ||
| I mean, that was interesting about Australia, too, seeing crocodiles and shit and kangaroos. | ||
| And find out that fucking kangaroos kill more people than anything. | ||
| Kangaroos fuck people up in Australia. | ||
| They do? | ||
| Yeah, there's big, giant kangaroos. | ||
| They're so cute, though. | ||
| There's apparently two different types of kangaroos. | ||
| I forget what color the big ones are. | ||
| The big ones will fuck you up. | ||
| They're like 300 pounds and shit and they gut people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They kick you with their claws. | |
| And there's a toad out there that's more rampant. | ||
| Everything's trying to kill you in Australia. | ||
| That they shipped there. | ||
| From a different place, right? | ||
| Because they had locusts or something that they wanted to get rid of. | ||
| So they shipped these indigenous frogs from South Africa. | ||
| But the locusts were so high up on these leaves that the frogs didn't eat the locusts or whatever. | ||
| So they just multiplied. | ||
| And they're poisonous. | ||
| So they just went rampant. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| People are so goddamn smart trying to fix ecosystems. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It fucked that place up. | ||
| How about just spray the bugs? | ||
| You spray, you cunts. | ||
| Bobby, what was Eminem like? | ||
| What kind of, what? | ||
| You met Eminem, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| What was he like? | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| Where'd you meet Eminem? | ||
| I was in one of his music videos. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I got a call saying, come down now, because they need you, right? | ||
| So I came down, I did three sketches, I played Sulu, then I played an Eskimo, and yeah, yeah, and yeah, he's nice. | ||
| I hadn't met him before, and I got to meet Dr. Dre, which is great. | ||
| He has a huge black hand that just takes my little hand, and it surrounds my hand. | ||
| And it's so dry and it's perfect. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just soft. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like Dr. Trey's hand. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And he's so gentle. | ||
| Like a giant gentle guy who put his hand on your back. | ||
| He's huge now. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| Something happened. | ||
| He started lifting weights and got gigantic. | ||
| Yeah, but he's kind. | ||
| He's a kind guy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I grew up with NWA. Yeah, me too. | ||
| I love that stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's like... | ||
| I met Ice Cube once. | ||
| That was the fucking coolest thing ever when Ice Cube said, what's up, Joe? | ||
| I'm like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the fuck out of here. | |
| Yeah, yeah, is that great? | ||
| Ice Cube knows my name. | ||
| It's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's great. | |
| It's a trip. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's so crazy that people that... | ||
| One time I was in Miami. | ||
| I was in the front row. | ||
| In the front row was Gloria Estefan. | ||
| Whoa, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I didn't know who she was. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| So somebody backstage before I went up there, Gloria Estefan's in the audience. | ||
| I go, who is that? | ||
| And they go, it's Gloria Estefani. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's huge. | |
| I go, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's huge? | |
| So I went up on stage, and this is what I said. | ||
| I'm an asshole. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| No, I get up on stage. | ||
| I go, ladies and gentlemen, Gloria Edibon. | ||
| No! | ||
| And then, you know how they shine the light on her? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she's blushing. | ||
| She's kind of waving to the audience. | ||
| And I'm still smiling because I don't know I fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Right? | ||
| Edibon. | ||
| And then afterwards, she just left. | ||
| So I was never able to meet her. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And if you're listening, Gloria Estefan, I Googled you after that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| And I know all your stuff. | ||
| And I really, sorry for the disrespect. | ||
| Maybe she thought you were doing an Asian joke, though. | ||
| Why? | ||
| She's not Asian. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That you were mispronouncing it. | ||
| You were doing a character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Because I don't do that. | ||
| Trust me, it came all fucked up. | ||
| Because even the audience went... | ||
| You could hear them go... | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I don't know who sports people are. | ||
| Me either. | ||
| I did this one commercial with these two old men. | ||
| And I was telling one old man to go get me a cup of coffee. | ||
| Give me a cup of coffee. | ||
| You just got one. | ||
| He's like, all right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And at the end of the shoot, I laughed. | ||
| And they're like, you know who those guys were? | ||
| I go, who? | ||
| Stan Mikita and Gordie Howe, who are huge hockey icons, right? | ||
| So you had Gordie Howe going, getting you coffee? | ||
| He did it in a... | ||
| It wasn't like... | ||
| I was joking, kind of. | ||
| Like, can you get me one of those, too? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It wasn't like... | ||
| Telling him what to do. | ||
| I was not a hockey fan when I was a kid, so I didn't know... | ||
| I knew Bobby Orr was like a name. | ||
| I knew it was a big deal. | ||
| So I was working at the Boston Athletic Club. | ||
| And Bobby Orr used to go there and work out. | ||
| And... | ||
| That's one of the first times I'd ever been around a professional athlete that had been fucked up from his sport. | ||
| I did not know how bad some dudes got jacked by their sports, but Bobby Orr had scars up and down both legs, where he had some insane amount of knee surgeries, like 16 fucking knee surgeries. | ||
| Something crazy. | ||
| It might even be more than that. | ||
| But his knees were so bad that he would play racquetball, and if the ball went to the left or to the right, he would just lean and fall to the ground. | ||
| He literally couldn't move. | ||
| It was the saddest shit ever, man. | ||
| Oh, that's so sad. | ||
| It was the saddest shit ever. | ||
| You know what a VersaClimber is? | ||
| It's like a pole that's at an angle. | ||
| It's got handles for your hands and for your feet. | ||
| And you go up and down, up and down with this thing. | ||
| And it simulates that you're climbing something. | ||
| It's called a VersaClimber. | ||
| You can't I used to have to put him on this thing. | ||
| I used to have to help him. | ||
| What I used to do is I have to get behind him and I would have to hold his waist and he would put one foot in one of the stirrups and then you'd have to kind of lift him a little so he could get his foot into the next one because his knees didn't bend. | ||
| His knees literally didn't bend. | ||
| They went from like fully extended to like one quarter. | ||
| It's like John McCain's arms. | ||
| It was way worse than that. | ||
| Well, John McCain seems like he can't move him past a certain point, like his shoulders. | ||
| He's got bad shoulders. | ||
| Needs to rehab that shit. | ||
| Whenever I see him, I feel bad because Asians did that to him. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He was tortured for five years. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they put him in straps, you know what I mean, and rope. | ||
| That's what fucked up his shoulders? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, what do you think happened? | ||
| Mattresses and car bags. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe slid into third and... | |
| The bag with his hands. | ||
| That's really what happened? | ||
| They fucked up his shoulders? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they made me play John McCain. | ||
| What? | ||
| I met you. | ||
| Yeah, you can look it up. | ||
| How the fuck did you play John McCain? | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| Bobby Lee John McCain. | ||
| That sounds silly. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I got the call that I want you to play John McCain. | ||
| I go, no. | ||
| They go, why? | ||
| Because people like me tortured him. | ||
| I'm not playing him, too. | ||
| Vietnamese. | ||
| It's pretty distant from Koreans, right? | ||
| Well, you know what I'm saying, though. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If someone said you're Vietnamese, though, you'd be upset. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I wouldn't be. | |
| You don't look Vietnamese at all. | ||
| No, I love him. | ||
| When he put the video... | ||
| Oh, that video. | ||
| Most people have no idea what we're talking about here. | ||
| Well, I don't know if you read it online. | ||
| Yeah, well, most people are not going to read the story about you online. | ||
| Bobby Lee once was playing around and said something about Vietnamese. | ||
| Wow, that's you as John McCain. | ||
| You look like Donald Trump fuck Frank Caliendo. | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| Doesn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look how Bobby Lee is John McCain and it does not look like John McCain. | ||
| But the reason why I said that was because of that fan. | ||
| You don't like that fan? | ||
| No. | ||
| I wanted to know where my resentment... | ||
| Why I would say something like that in the fucking first place. | ||
| About first place people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was because at that time, he was way bigger than me. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I knew in my heart that I could just destroy him. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| As a stand-up. | ||
| And everyone was saying like... | ||
| That bothered you then, right? | ||
| Well, it bothered me then because they were saying he's the funniest Asian guy ever, right? | ||
| And I'm like, I know Coy. | ||
| I know Margaret Cho. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I know a lot of Asian comics that are very funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, you know, what he had was a killer five minutes, you know? | ||
| And I saw Dat Fan. | ||
| I was one of the judges for Last Comic Standing. | ||
| And the fucking kid destroyed, man. | ||
| I mean, he came out and destroyed. | ||
| It wasn't the best material in the world, but it was like, you know, who cares? | ||
| It's like pop comedy. | ||
| That's what he was doing. | ||
| But he destroyed. | ||
| And then, for whatever reason, it was really funny, but for whatever reason, it just never caught on after that. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| But the thing is that I know him on the club level. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And I know exactly what he can do. | ||
| Like in terms of like, if you were to put that, me, Koi, like any of the other Asian guys up there, you know what I mean? | ||
| That you would be able to see. | ||
| Don't you think that that's corrosive thinking? | ||
| Don't you think that that kind of thinking is detrimental as a person to you? | ||
| Like when you're worried about what other people can do in comparing yourself to me? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| No? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Because I know what you're saying, okay? | ||
| It's like Ken Jeong, his success. | ||
| I'm very happy for him because I went on tour with Ken. | ||
| We did an Asian tour. | ||
| He's been on 15, 16 sketches at MADtv. | ||
| I know his level and he's a hard worker, nice guy and he's a talent. | ||
| I feel the same way about Joe Coy or Steve Byrne or any of these guys. | ||
| I have no competitiveness with anybody but I just know at certain people's Talent level, and I just felt that he didn't deserve it. | ||
| Yeah, but what do you care? | ||
| This is my point. | ||
| Why worry about other people's entertainment? | ||
| No, but Joe, I'm better about it now. | ||
| Of course you are now. | ||
| I know, but you're still sort of defending it, right? | ||
| No, I'm not really determined. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| What I asked is, do you think that that behavior is corrosive? | ||
| By saying you're better than that now, you're saying yes, it is negative, right? | ||
| It's very negative, and it was a bad time, really bad time for me. | ||
| It's tricky with comedians. | ||
| I mean, we were talking about someone else earlier that gets jealous about people. | ||
| It's very tricky with comics. | ||
| For some reason, when comics see one person's success, they somehow or another think it as taking away something from them. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| And for me, it's like I... I have accepted, you know what I mean? | ||
| I accept what I have in front of me. | ||
| I love my life, you know what I mean? | ||
| But at the time, you know what I mean? | ||
| It was in turmoil. | ||
| Like, I wasn't really, you know what I mean? | ||
| I didn't know what I was doing, you know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was going, you know, I had just gotten sober again, you know what I mean? | ||
| So it was a rough time, you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Just, you know, you're just sensitive, you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| And so, yeah, I mean, in retrospect, it was really ugly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one of those things you have to learn from, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you see it so much in the open mic night days. | ||
| You remember when you were an open mic night guy and you were just starting out and then there would be guys that you worked with that started getting work? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dude, everyone would hate. | ||
| I would hate. | ||
| I'd totally hate on people that would start. | ||
| I'd be like, this guy's going to be good. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| But he's obviously good enough to get a job. | ||
| Him getting that job is not taking anything away from you. | ||
| Yeah, but the thing that you learn over time, though, is that... | ||
| You realize there's so much work out there, right? | ||
| That I feel like there's enough for everybody. | ||
| But at the time, when you're not getting jobs, you know what I mean? | ||
| And you know that you're funny. | ||
| It's just a difficult transition, you know what I mean? | ||
| That's all I'm sorry. | ||
| Is it because Dat Fam's Vietnamese? | ||
| Does that have anything to do with it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Because I know Dat from San Diego. | ||
| First of all, he's a liar. | ||
| Remember, like, during the show, you said he'd been doing it for two years. | ||
| I started with a guy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| In San Diego. | ||
| I mean, I have photos with him. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| From back in the 90s. | ||
| So he had been doing it a long time. | ||
| Way long. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Living underneath a desk. | ||
| All these things that he said he was claiming he was doing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's not true. | ||
| To me, it was not true. | ||
| And also, Margaret Cho wrote him a letter because he had stolen a joke from her. | ||
| What joke was that? | ||
| I don't know what joke. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Asian jokes is very tricky. | ||
| It's like, a buddy of mine, my friend John Tobin from New York used to say this, that when you work with a bunch of black guys, he goes, it's always if there's three comics and two guys are white and one guy's black, the black guy's always like, yeah, man, I was supposed to be closing. | ||
| I heard that I was supposed to be closing. | ||
| He goes, and last, there's two black guys and the black guy, and then they're like, yeah, I'm supposed to open. | ||
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they want to be able to use all the black jokes. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That is so funny. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| It is so true. | ||
| Because there's so much hack shit that guys would just rely on because it would work every time. | ||
| Now, you're white people looking around seeing if you could laugh at this. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's like Jewish material. | ||
| Every person that's a Jew has to talk about them being a Jew. | ||
| It's like they all do the same material. | ||
| It's like when I went on tour with the four Koreans, we did the Kings of Comedy with me, Steve Byrne, Ken, and Kevin Shea, and no one wanted to close. | ||
| We would fight backstage. | ||
| I'd have to close sometimes. | ||
| It was very difficult. | ||
| It's not that we went over the material. | ||
| It's just the fact that all Asian comics have at least 10 minutes of their act about being Asian. | ||
| The point of view might be different. | ||
| Or the angle. | ||
| But you, out of all those, probably have the most material, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of your killer shit is Asian. | ||
| Do you still do that bit about the Vietnamese guy hiding in a can of coke? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| That's why they won the war. | ||
| They can hide in anything. | ||
| They can hide in trees for three weeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Just a banana. | ||
| That was in that video you were talking about, right? | ||
| Just before that we put up the one that you got in trouble for? | ||
| Yeah, that video, yeah. | ||
| Didn't you talk about it in that video? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't blame you for the video, by the way. | ||
| It was just one of those... | ||
| You blame me? | ||
| Well, for a couple years, I couldn't even look at you. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I'll be honest with you. | ||
| I didn't say anything. | ||
| Can I just say this? | ||
| I didn't just get this because we haven't talked about it. | ||
| I just want to bring it up. | ||
| Can I bring it up? | ||
| Sure, anything. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There was a time about, I don't know when, two or three years, that I felt that there was animosity between me and your camp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You never felt it for me. | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| For me? | ||
| Yeah, I felt that, honestly, I felt that, can I be, I love you, is that I felt that there was a weirdness because of the whole, the video that had come out. | ||
| No. | ||
| And with Ari, you know what I mean, me and Ari not getting along. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Look, I called you when there was that video that you made, where Mencia made you make that video. | ||
| I called you about it. | ||
| And I told you, I go, dude, I'm not mad at you. | ||
| Which was the one biggest mistake, I thought, because if you read the feedback... | ||
| After that? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I get threats. | ||
| Well, you know, I understood your point of view totally. | ||
| I knew you from back in the day, and I knew your relationship with him, and I knew that you knew he was sick, and you were trying to help him. | ||
| I knew. | ||
| I knew the whole story. | ||
| It didn't bother me at all. | ||
| And for people who don't know, he just made this video saying that he never... | ||
| But can I tell you how that came about? | ||
| Okay, but let me tell these people. | ||
| He made a video saying that he never saw Carlos stealing any material. | ||
| And it was one of those videos that looked like one of those terrorist videos where there's a fucking gun pointed to your head and a knife under your neck. | ||
| Okay, so this is what happens. | ||
| I'm in Canada, right? | ||
| The video, right, comes on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then Mencia calls me. | ||
| And literally six months ago, I erased the message. | ||
| I kept it for that long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Damn it! | ||
| I know. | ||
| It was so... | ||
| He was so angry. | ||
| I can't even... | ||
| That would be so great to play on the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I erased it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it! | |
| So then what happens is, like, I come back from Canada and I... Now it's the new season of MAD, right? | ||
| And lo and behold, Mencius... | ||
| Mind of Mencius got picked up, right? | ||
| And it's literally attached to MAD TV. Like the studios are, right? | ||
| So I'm like, and I hadn't seen Carlos since the video went out, right? | ||
| So for a couple of days, I'm like, I know how to get around. | ||
| I gotta get around. | ||
| The stairs, right? | ||
| And I'll sneak around the back here. | ||
| You're wearing disguises. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| This is how I want to get that, right? | ||
| Well, next thing you know, he grabs one of his cousins, comes to Matt TV, who's a friend of mine, brings me over, right? | ||
| And then I had like six Mexicans just sit me down. | ||
| Are you sure they were really Mexicans? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're Japanese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And, you know, Carlos is there, Ned, and he just goes... | ||
| Was he sitting on a throne? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was outside, and he just goes, you gotta do this for me. | ||
| So I did it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And then that happened. | ||
| The weirdest part about the video, though, what sucked is that you made this video that didn't even seem like you even knew the video you were talking about. | ||
| I can't remember the actual words in it. | ||
| It sounded like you were talking about a video that you hadn't seen, which was even weirder. | ||
| I got caught between, you know what I mean, two camps that I, you know what I mean, I've always had a relationship with, right? | ||
| I mean, Joe and I have known each other for so long. | ||
| I don't want to have a camp. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| People. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Human beings. | |
| Not camp. | ||
| You know what I'm saying, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Camps. | |
| And then, you know, Mencia had a group, his group, right? | ||
| And I felt like I was in the middle and that, you know what I mean, I felt like at a time where I had to choose, I felt like. | ||
| I stayed out of it, you know what I mean, for the most part. | ||
| For the longest time, I wouldn't talk about it in radio or anything like that because people would bring it up. | ||
| I'd go on tour and they're like, so, you know what I mean? | ||
| And I'd be like, I don't want to talk about it, you know what I mean? | ||
| As far as just like the amount of interest generated by that, that's probably one of the most controversial videos in like the history of comedy. | ||
| It probably was, yeah. | ||
| Kind of crazy when you think about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was insane. | |
| But, you know, what was also kind of crazy was, you remember what the environment was like before anybody called him on that, where everybody was on eggshells and you were constantly terrified of that guy walking in the room? | ||
| Yeah, it was crazy. | ||
| And then he was becoming successful? | ||
| He was becoming successful, and then it just got scary. | ||
| Like I said, you know, I just don't see that part. | ||
| Did you see the movie I Am Tommy? | ||
| How can you say that? | ||
| How can you say that? | ||
| Because you do. | ||
| You did. | ||
| Because... | ||
| He stole some shit from you, man. | ||
| I mean, I know you had issues with it. | ||
| Okay, I know. | ||
| Can I just say this, though? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Here's what it is, okay, like we said before, okay, that it is like, you know, one of those situations where the guy, when I was an open-miker, right, he bought me a car. | ||
| It was a used car, but I didn't have a car, right? | ||
| And then he took me on tour. | ||
| Him and Pauly Shore would rotate. | ||
| One guy would take me, you know what I mean? | ||
| Who was more fun to hang out with on the road? | ||
| Obviously Pauly, because he didn't make me cry, you know what I mean? | ||
| And also, I used to get pussy. | ||
| You can't get pussy on a Mencia show. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Because they're all married and have 19 kids, and you know what I mean? | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| Any Mencia fan, you know, I love you, but my point is... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But my point is this, that... | ||
| So how did he make you cry? | ||
| Well, he would make me go to golf with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He plays golf, and I hate golf. | ||
| And I'd have to get early and bring the golf bag. | ||
| You would have to bring the bags. | ||
| I did it once or twice, and I stopped doing it. | ||
| He would tell you to carry the bags. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| One time he... | ||
| Let me move over that. | ||
| He made you carry bags? | ||
| One time I had to... | ||
| We played Denver once, and he made me sleep. | ||
| He didn't give me a hotel room. | ||
| This is what he wasn't doing as well. | ||
| It was in the beginning, and I had to sleep in Albert's closet. | ||
| Cut the fuck out of here. | ||
| He took you on the road with him and you didn't even get a hotel. | ||
| He wasn't selling out at the time. | ||
| This was literally in 96, 95. You know what I mean? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was always like a brother, in a sense. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He nurtured you. | ||
| He didn't nurture me. | ||
| How did you cry? | ||
| What made you cry? | ||
| Just having to get up and there was a time where you had to sell merch. | ||
| And as a young comic, you don't know what to do. | ||
| You want to make it. | ||
| You appreciate the stage time. | ||
| And it was just... | ||
| So he makes you work for him on top of just opening up for him? | ||
| Yeah, but to be honest, a lot of guys do that shit, dude. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I don't. | ||
| Because I have openers now, and I treat them with the utmost. | ||
| Pauly does. | ||
| Yeah, Pauly does all the time. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Didn't Pauly get you to work for free? | ||
| Didn't Pauly... | ||
| That's another... | ||
| I cannot... | ||
| You can't discuss that? | ||
| No, because that's another, you know what I mean? | ||
| What is this, okay? | ||
| Mency is one thing, but Pauly, right? | ||
| He specifically made me a regular there. | ||
| Like, he made his mom pass me, right? | ||
| And so there is a specific relationship. | ||
| No one on planet Earth talks to me like Pauly talks to me. | ||
| In what way? | ||
| He talks to me like I'm literally his younger brother. | ||
| Still do they. | ||
| And I understand it because I've known him for so long. | ||
| But in the world, I'm almost 40. You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't let anyone talk to me the way Pauly talks to me. | ||
| But talks to you in a disrespectful way? | ||
| No, it's just like he'll say, dude. | ||
| He'll say stuff like, dude, you should be bigger than you are now. | ||
| You say, what about you, bitch? | ||
| Yeah, but the thing is... | ||
| Does she say that? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't say that. | ||
| Say, what happened with you, Encino man? | ||
| Hey. | ||
| I have to go to the comedy store once in a while. | ||
| I don't want to burn any bridges. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See what I'm saying, though? | |
| It's like that. | ||
| What I'm saying, someone talking to you like that's not nice. | ||
| Yeah, but Paulie also, you know, when I moved down... | ||
| He's like a big brother, though. | ||
| You know, I lived in his house. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You lived in his house? | ||
| Well, he charged me rent. | ||
| But the thing is, is that... | ||
| You know, and he brought me on the road, so it's like... | ||
| I'm going to pee really bad. | ||
| I'll be back in one second. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Is that cool? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| He's going to get his story straight. | ||
| He's going to go in there. | ||
| No, I don't have my story straight. | ||
| What if I said about Pauly? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just kidding. | |
| We're just fucking around. | ||
| Turn around. | ||
| So, Joe, I saw a movie last night. | ||
| You already bought it. | ||
| I guess it's on the way. | ||
| It's called Enter the Void. | ||
| And it is like somebody saw you talk about DMT and tried to write a script around it, around living in Tokyo. | ||
| Well, maybe they just did it. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| It has a lot to do with DMT. Yeah, but maybe they did DMT. Yeah, but how they describe it in the movie sounds like they're reenacting you. | ||
| You're going to fucking... | ||
| The movie was made for you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And then it gets really annoying. | ||
| But the first half of the movie is like, wow, this is fucking cool. | ||
| They show a DMT thing, what it feels like to be on DMT for the first half of the movie. | ||
| And there gets parts where it sounds exactly like how you describe it. | ||
| And then whoever directed the movie, which his name is... | ||
| Hold on, I'll tell you one second. | ||
| It's directed by Gaspar Ngo. | ||
| He is brilliant. | ||
| When does it come out on DVD? It came out Tuesday. | ||
| It's on Netflix. | ||
| So I probably already have it. | ||
| Netflix streaming HD too. | ||
| But it is so amazing. | ||
| If I ever make a movie, I want to make my movie look exactly like this guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| But then it gets really annoying and there's all these like... | ||
| Well, one of the director's things is, like, it does, like, the strobe light thing through it. | ||
| It gets so bad that I feel like I'm getting hypnotized. | ||
| Like, this movie was made by Google or the government, and it's like, you'll see what I mean. | ||
| Like, you'll sit there and, like, I'm gonna have a seizure. | ||
| I'm having a seizure. | ||
| Wait, I'm being programmed to do something. | ||
| All right, this, you know, it's fucked up. | ||
| Do you know that there's an Olympic logo that they had to pull because it was giving people epileptic seizures? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was an Al Roker thing where Al Roker, I listened to it on Opie and Anthony. | ||
| It was pretty fucking funny because Opie and Anthony were shitting on Al Roker because Al Roker was making fun of epileptics. | ||
| He said, so if you're still watching this, if you're not flopping around on the ground, you know, and so he starts making fun of it. | ||
| And then the next day he comes back and says, I was only making fun of the ad. | ||
| I was never making fun of epileptics. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which is total bullshit. | ||
| When you see this though, it's amazing that there's not fucking five warnings on the DVD before you even watch it. | ||
| Because it's so bad that it feels like you're being fucking brainwashed. | ||
| Well, do you remember that dude that we had on the message board that had a... | ||
| His wife was epileptic and she would watch certain avatars on people's screens. | ||
| They had flashing avatars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| Jim. | ||
| Jim. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| I hung out with him. | ||
| He was Marilyn Manson's webmaster. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Really fucking good dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hung with him and his wife, and his wife has some weird condition where if she sees anything flashing, strobing, those little animated GIF files that fly, she would just, tongue rolls back, eyes roll back in her head, falls onto the ground. | ||
| This movie would make her pregnant. | ||
| That's how bad it is. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What the fuck is it with people that certain things just make your brain shut off? | ||
| Like flashes and strobes. | ||
| I can understand that. | ||
| If you see this, you'll feel sick in your stomach when you see parts of this movie. | ||
| You'll have to turn away and look at the ground for five minutes. | ||
| But is the movie good? | ||
| The movie is the director. | ||
| You'll fall in love with the director. | ||
| The movie is so good at the beginning and interesting and you'll never see anything like it. | ||
| And the trips, the visuals, if you're stoned when you see it, you might have a panic attack. | ||
| I watched it in 3D last night and I was like, I am tripping right now. | ||
| I feel like I'm on acid right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's so good. | ||
| Then it just gets boring and confusing. | ||
| Don't tell me about it. | ||
| Why would I watch it? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It sounds interesting. | ||
| I mean, it's still, I like it, but it just kind of fades off after it gets, it's really cool. | ||
| And then it kind of just kind of does. | ||
| Well, you and I don't always agree on movies. | ||
| There's probably a few movies that you like. | ||
| Have you seen that movie Irreversible? | ||
| What? | ||
| Irreversible. | ||
| Irreversible. | ||
| No, what's that about? | ||
| It's a movie played backwards, right? | ||
| And it's notorious because there's a five-minute rape scene in it, in a tunnel. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which, I swear to God, the most brutal thing I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And people online say it's the worst rape scene ever. | ||
| You have to see it. | ||
| Irreversible. | ||
| Is this a Japanese movie? | ||
| No, it's German or some shit like that. | ||
| Nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, they're fucked up. | ||
| Human centipede. | ||
| Not into that. | ||
| Not into watching people get raped. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I watched Food, Inc. | ||
| the other day. | ||
| Great. | ||
| And fucking destroyed. | ||
| Disturbing, man. | ||
| I watched it on the way home from West Palm Beach, Florida. | ||
| And it's disturbing as shit, dude. | ||
| When that lady started talking about her son dying and about her son got E. coli from a Jack-in-the-Box burger and how he was suffering at the end, I had to shut it off. | ||
| But even in the 70s, Jack-in-the-Box had a big controversy where not only one person died, but a bunch of people died. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, from their food. | ||
| Dude, Food Inc. | ||
| is scary as fuck. | ||
| And I've had some people email me and tweet me saying that, well, it's not really that bad. | ||
| This is propaganda. | ||
| They're just trying to shock you. | ||
| But how can they be trying to shock you if they're showing you reality? | ||
| I mean, if what they're showing exists on any level, it's terrifying. | ||
| When they show these cows that are caked in manure, and this one cow, there was a plastic ring, and his stomach was exposed, and they were reaching into his stomach. | ||
| I'm like, whoa, what the fuck? | ||
| And how about chickens, man? | ||
| If you didn't know, I mean, look, if you like your cheeseburgers and you like to go to Wendy's at 2 o'clock in the morning, and I do too, man, don't watch this movie. | ||
| It's going to fuck with your head. | ||
| But these chickens, they give these chickens steroids and antibiotics and all kinds of things, and they fuck with their genetics somehow or another to get them to grow so ridiculously big and plump that they can't walk. | ||
| And they die all the time. | ||
| They just fall down and die. | ||
| Not Foster Farms. | ||
| If people make fun of Chinese work, Yeah, they have those commercials about how they plump them up and put salts and stuff like that and just make them really fat with salt and water and stuff in foster farms. | ||
| Their whole advertising is based on that. | ||
| So their advertising is based on they don't use hormones. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay, well that's good to know, man. | ||
| It's good to know. | ||
| There's got to be a humane way to make food. | ||
| If it costs a couple bucks more, it's worth it. | ||
| I don't know how much more it would cost to not have cows. | ||
| I'm down with eating meat, okay? | ||
| Don't get me wrong, but the way that they're doing, the way they're producing meat for fast food, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| It's totally beyond being humane. | ||
| It's beyond that. | ||
| It's gotten to this factory, consciousness-less, just feelingless place where they're just stuffing all these animals in these small areas and getting as much bang for their buck as they can. | ||
| They suck. | ||
| They make this food like they make an iPod, like it's a factory system, right? | ||
| And if there's no love or care or anything, it's just let's make the product. | ||
| That's why people make fun of Chinese all the time for the things that they eat. | ||
| Like if you ever go to a Chinese market, you can get anything. | ||
| Butterfly wings or, you know what I mean? | ||
| Or, you know what I mean? | ||
| The shoulder of a meerkat or whatever, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like they'll eat anything. | ||
| But the thing is that Americans eat way worse. | ||
| With these cows, you know what I mean? | ||
| Just tainted meat. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| People think that, well, also, first of all, China has a billion people. | ||
| And it's self-sustainable. | ||
| China doesn't import food from anywhere else. | ||
| So that's pretty crazy in and of itself. | ||
| They're able to feed a billion people. | ||
| When you feed a billion people like that, you've got to eat bugs. | ||
| There is a restaurant in Bangkok that serves animal dick. | ||
| That's all they do. | ||
| And there's a six-month waiting list to get into this restaurant. | ||
| What? | ||
| Animal dick. | ||
| In Bangkok? | ||
| How do you order that? | ||
| I'd whisper... | ||
| There was an Anthony Bourdain show the other day where they were serving animal dick soup. | ||
| Apparently it was really good. | ||
| Yeah, you're supposed to get your V-roll. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| That movie you brought up, Irreversible, whatever it's called, and the movie I was talking about, same director. | ||
| What is the fucking odds of that shit, dude? | ||
| Really? | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, it was a good movie. | ||
| This director... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll love Irreversible, though. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| But you'll stop at the five-minute rape scene. | ||
| You'll turn it off. | ||
| Well, that was what I was saying. | ||
| I was so sad when I was watching this woman cry that her son died from Jack in the Box. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| This is just bumming me the fuck out. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| The food's fucked up. | ||
| The whole situation's fucked up. | ||
| I don't really need to keep going here. | ||
| It's like, what are you going to do, though? | ||
| That's the big question. | ||
| The problem with us is, with everybody, is you're always doing something. | ||
| You're busy. | ||
| You're hungry. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| There's a supermarket, but you don't have time to go there. | ||
| Especially on the road. | ||
| Yeah, especially on the road. | ||
| The Waffle House is open, and you're like, okay, I have to go there. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| The road gets creepy, as far as food choices go. | ||
| I always bring vitamins with me, and I try to eat as much salad and stuff on the road as possible. | ||
| I don't understand how they don't have 24-hour restaurants in small towns. | ||
| If everything closes at 11, it's like you can't eat anything. | ||
| You have to go to the wall. | ||
| I've been to Walmarts at like 3 in the morning, just getting like fruit, you know what I mean? | ||
| Just surviving. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Yeah, if you go to small towns, there's no 24-hour food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's a tricky thing. | ||
| And you're staying at the Holiday Inn, there's no room service either. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| Something we talked about a couple weeks ago came true when we were talking about how people's jobs are getting taken away by robots and stuff like that. | ||
| I was at El Puyoloco the other day, which is like a Mexican chicken place, and they had the order yourself kiosk up now where you sit there, menu screen, like taco, special instructions, no, burrito, and then you pay for it, kind of like a grocery store, and then they just call out your name and give you your food. | ||
| So they cut out the person that takes the order. | ||
| And it's actually nicer. | ||
| It was so nice because, you know, a lot of times you order, but you don't even think like, yeah, I would like extra tomatoes on this, but I don't want to be extra. | ||
| How many times have you been in a fast food place and you're talking, it's like, who? | ||
| There was a girl on the MADtv that had a really funny sketch about that. | ||
| There was a girl on MADtv, she's very pretty, and she had a very funny sketch about a girl who was the counter help, but she was always like... | ||
| Oh, Bong Kukri? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That one, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Angela. | ||
| Who does that? | ||
| Angela Johnson? | ||
| She's very funny. | ||
| Yeah, she's very funny, yeah. | ||
| That girl had a really funny Vietnamese nail salon. | ||
| Yeah, that one too, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Doesn't that bit have like 10 million hits or something on YouTube? | ||
| Yeah, she's a sellout on the road. | ||
| From that bit? | ||
| She's killing it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And how many minutes does she have as an act? | ||
| 22 minutes, 23 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hysterical. | |
| I'd heard that she was a middle, and she was middling and crushing and filling places, and then the headliner would go on after him. | ||
| Half the people would leave. | ||
| Well, Steve-O's doing that now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's middling? | ||
| No, he was in New York. | ||
| He hosted, but now he's closing, but he closes with 30, which is fine. | ||
| Well, what he should do is host. | ||
| What guys should do if they're not really... | ||
| Bring a bunch of good comics on the road with you and host. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, I watched Charlie Murphy develop an act from nowhere. | ||
| You know, I met Charlie two years into his journey, you know, and I watched him as he was trying to put together his acting. | ||
| Charlie went right to headlining, man. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| And it was fucking hard. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| Fucking unbelievable hard. | ||
| Did you see that thing online of him getting booed? | ||
| Oh my god, so awful. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it's that room. | ||
| That room is so retarded. | ||
| What room is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Here's what I'm saying. | ||
| Black crowds? | ||
| No, that's not what I'm saying. | ||
| That's not exactly what I said. | ||
| I didn't say that at all. | ||
| So what did you say? | ||
| Those kind of rooms are fucking hard. | ||
| Difficult. | ||
| Retarded was the wrong word. | ||
| Black crowds. | ||
| Shock the Sundays. | ||
| Black crowds, once you start failing, they're not rooting for you to get back on your feet. | ||
| What I'm saying is that I go on the road and I get black people to come to my show. | ||
| And they're legitimate fans. | ||
| And I love them dearly. | ||
| That's not what I'm talking about. | ||
| There's a cultural thing, you know what I mean? | ||
| When you go to certain areas like South Philly or whatever, and you do a show, and it's all black, even in the lineup, and you have to perform, it's the most difficult situation ever. | ||
| Right. | ||
| For a guy like me. | ||
| Well, you know, it's a different kind of crowd and I think the good thing about those crowds is that they don't let you be indulgent and they want your jokes to come quick. | ||
| They want to come quick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't want to wait around. | ||
| They're also tonal, right? | ||
| You can't be monotone. | ||
| No. | ||
| You got it! | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Some excitement. | ||
| Attitude. | ||
| That's right! | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Or whatever. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because now I'm like, I used to be more energetic. | ||
| Now I just kind of talk like this. | ||
| Because I want to be more myself. | ||
| No, not only that. | ||
| It's because... | ||
| No, it's because it's pace. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, when I first started headlining, I wanted to do what I did as an opener, which is go out and gung-ho get them. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| As a headliner. | ||
| And then 15 minutes in, you're out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You just can't do that pace for 45 minutes. | ||
| Well, you gotta... | ||
| First of all, it's not fun for the audience either. | ||
| You gotta create a show. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| It's like when you go to see a movie, it's not an opening gun scene that lasts for 90 minutes and then the thing shuts off. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck did I just watch? | ||
| Yeah, so now I build... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you have peaks and valleys. | ||
| Yeah, but in Black Rooms, you can't do that. | ||
| Can't do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| There's no peaking? | ||
| You just hammer it? | ||
| I just feel like you have to be like Earthquake and just hammer it away. | ||
| Well, he's hilarious. | ||
| How long does Earthquake do? | ||
| 45. But he's like perfect. | ||
| 45 sprinting uphill. | ||
| Shooting all the way. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Throw your backpack back and lie on your grass. | ||
| And then once you lose them, like in a white room, when you lose them, you think, I'll get them back. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's no getting black crowds back. | ||
| Wow, I want to try it. | ||
| I want to try it black. | ||
| You will die. | ||
| You will die up there, son. | ||
| You will get barbecued. | ||
| The most important thing with black rooms is economy of words, first of all, and a short attention span. | ||
| You've got to hammer them with bits. | ||
| I did my black version of my set once at Flappers and Burbank, and it actually killed. | ||
| What do you mean a black version? | ||
| I just do it more like he said. | ||
| Instead of doing your jokes normal, I kind of be like... | ||
| I went to the store the other day to get a hat. | ||
| My girlfriend got the same one. | ||
| He's just starting out. | ||
| He's just starting out. | ||
| You know Aziz? | ||
| Or whatever his name is? | ||
| Aziz? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Az Lappers and Burbank Club. | |
| Have you played there? | ||
| Never been there. | ||
| I may never play there. | ||
| I heard it's good. | ||
| It's really nice. | ||
| I heard it's nice. | ||
| Brand new. | ||
| You'd like it. | ||
| No, I just don't do well in those kind of things. | ||
| What do you mean you don't do well? | ||
| I don't do good in Ha Ha. | ||
| The Ha Ha Cafe? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Because I don't know what it is. | ||
| I think what it is is because it's free. | ||
| Oh, the audience is not paying to go there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what it is? | |
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| What I'm saying though is that... | ||
| You're doing this free set? | ||
| No, that's not what I'm saying either. | ||
| What I'm saying is that there's two types of audiences, I feel. | ||
| That's why I don't comp when I go on the road because of the fact that if you comp, there's a general feeling of like... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's not a good show. | ||
| It's not a good show. | ||
| You don't expect much. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But when you have people pay, people are respectful. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You don't have as many hecklers, you know what I mean? | ||
| And I'm fine. | ||
| I don't care who comes. | ||
| But the thing is, is that, ha ha, right? | ||
| They don't, not only do they not pay you, but you have to pay for your drinks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, can I get a Red Bull? | ||
| They go, it's $3 or whatever. | ||
| I'm like, I'm playing it for free. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Already there's a feeling of disrespect. | ||
| Now, I don't know what Flappers is like, but I just don't like that disrespect. | ||
| Flappers is a real club. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| I know what you're talking about, though. | ||
| There's some fringe clubs that are used to dealing with open micers and guys doing brainer shows. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| There's a disrespect. | ||
| When you go and do a set there, they don't treat you differently. | ||
| Like, well, here's a... | ||
| And I don't need, dude, I don't need much. | ||
| All I need is this. | ||
| Can I get a drink for free? | ||
| Like a bottle of water? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And in town, of course, I'll do a million free shows. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And be respectful. | ||
| Isn't it funny how places like that are just a little bit outside of the city and they're a different world. | ||
| It's a different world, yeah. | ||
| It's a different world. | ||
| The crowd feels different when you do North Hollywood, do ha-ha. | ||
| You see races you've never seen before. | ||
| Like, is that an Aztec Indian? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Or whatever, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I thought that guy's died off or something. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| Where's your favorite club to work out at? | ||
| Seattle. | ||
| Seattle? | ||
| The Comedy Underground? | ||
| No. | ||
| What place? | ||
| Parlor Live. | ||
| Parlor Live? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Parlor Live is a new club there, and it's attached to one of the Microsoft buildings. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, it's a nightlife. | ||
| They have pool hall, dance club, comedy club in one floor. | ||
| How big is the comedy club? | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| It's like, not huge, but it's 300. Really? | ||
| And it's one of those places where I sell out. | ||
| Is it Seattle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, it's a little outside of Seattle, but it's like 15 minutes from the city, right? | ||
| And it's called Beaumont. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And literally, it's clean. | ||
| Like, you know, the stage is nice. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| The green room is clean, brand new couches. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's just a nice, nice environment. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You make a lot of money. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You like Seattle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the kids or the people that are in the audience are nerdy. | ||
| They make money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And they're just happy to be there. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's weird how parts of the country are not hit by the economy and other ones are. | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When I was in West Palm, they were telling me that, no, we didn't really get hit by the economy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I know, it's crazy. | ||
| Because it's all like retirees and old people with money. | ||
| I'm sure some people from West Palm are like, fuck you, we got hit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| But the club was like, they really didn't suffer. | ||
| Yeah, like Kansas City, they suffered, it feels like. | ||
| There was a suffering. | ||
| That's the kind of place that would suffer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, like Iowa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The whole thing is so strange because I don't understand the economy. | ||
| So I'm always like, okay, well, I guess it's better now. | ||
| Is it better now? | ||
| Is it coming around? | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Like my parents, for the last 35 years, owned their own clothing store. | ||
| They had owned a business. | ||
| You know, it's called, at first it was called Fashion Gal. | ||
| It's a clothing store for fat ethnic women. | ||
| Fashion girl? | ||
| Yeah, Fashion Gal. | ||
| Fashion Gal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so it's like, cater to, it's like Lane Bryant, but for ethnics. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And they did fine over the last 30 years. | ||
| And as soon as the economy hit, I mean, they went bankrupt. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I had to pay for their mortgage. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And they are destitute. | ||
| Man. | ||
| It is tough. | ||
| They live in Phoenix. | ||
| You know, it's tough for them. | ||
| And they had to fire their whole staff. | ||
| Now they work and they're in their 70s. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Where do they work now? | ||
| At the same place. | ||
| At the store. | ||
| It's called Changes now. | ||
| And they do shifts. | ||
| Like my mom will do the morning shift. | ||
| My dad will come in. | ||
| And there's a bottle of... | ||
| There's literally a bottle of piss. | ||
| Like a jug of piss. | ||
| Because they don't have any employees, right? | ||
| So my dad has to piss in a jug. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because he can't leave the station. | ||
| He can't leave the store. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And he doesn't have a bathroom there. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's in the mall, right? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So it is sad. | ||
| What if he has to shit? | ||
| He just holds it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Well, unless it's a turtle head situation. | ||
| He could die. | ||
| He could die, yeah. | ||
| He should get a diaper. | ||
| So everyone go to, what's it called again? | ||
| What's the name? | ||
| Changes. | ||
| Everyone go to Changes. | ||
| It's in Arizona. | ||
| What part of Arizona? | ||
| Phoenix, like outside of the Chandler or something. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Mesa, something like that. | ||
| Yeah, that's a scary thing being an old person when your body is slowly starting to fade away and you're still laboring every day. | ||
| And by the way, that takes years off your life. | ||
| Getting up before you want to, working, doing things you don't want to do all day. | ||
| Yeah, but I told my dad, I go, Dad, you don't have to work. | ||
| They need, what, $2,500, $3,000 a month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| To get by, right? | ||
| Maybe even less, right? | ||
| I said, you know what? | ||
| I said, with the unemployment and social security, retire, and I'll take that over the rest. | ||
| That's very generous. | ||
| And you know what my dad said? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| If I don't work, I die. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So I go, all right, keep working. | ||
| Because I don't want him to die, you know? | ||
| Good call. | ||
| Yeah, but it's sad because he's still got that ethnic, that Asian work ethic. | ||
| That they have to work. | ||
| That's a trippy thing, dude. | ||
| It's fucking crazy, dude. | ||
| Yeah, it's a very weird thing, man, dealing with people's mortality and parents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God! | |
| It's weird when you realize, and especially your parents get to a certain point in time when you realize you probably have more information in your head about the way the world works than your parents do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because your parents grew up in a totally different time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, they weren't curious when they were young. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking, it's a strange, strange thing, man. | ||
| Yeah, it's actually kind of sad. | ||
| It is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's going to be you someday, too, maybe. | ||
| You think you'll have kids? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You're going to get snipped? | ||
| Go Doug Stanhope style? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| Just hope? | ||
| No, because I masturbate so much that what comes out is like vising drops. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like bloop, bloop, and it's done. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| How many times a day are you masturbating? | ||
| I do now a couple times. | ||
| Sometimes two eyes, once maybe. | ||
| How often do you use the flashlight? | ||
| I haven't used it in six months. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You just go use your hands instead? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Flashlight feels better. | ||
| Yeah, but then I have to heat the oil, then I have to let it cool, then I have to put the batteries in the back, you know. | ||
| Speaking of sex, there's a fucking, there's a story in the news today, and apparently it's a legit story. | ||
| There's a man who's suing GlaxoSmithKline, the pharmaceutical company, and he's alleging that there's a drug that they gave him to treat Parkinson's disease that turned him into a gay sex and gambling addict. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| At 51 years old, the guy said, That's | ||
| not what happened, though. | ||
| No, but listen, man, you're not right. | ||
| It's not true. | ||
| Because I put this up on Twitter, and a bunch of people who, you know, neuropsychologists and a bunch of different people who are qualified, started sending me, like, I got like six or seven tweets from people who either are studying it in school or actually doctors in the field, and they were saying that it's a dopamine agonist, I think that's the word, and that it does facilitate addiction, and it can interrupt your natural patterns of thinking. | ||
| No, I agree with that. | ||
| But what I'm saying is that if you have an addiction of exposing yourself and doing gay sex, that's been hidden inside you for many years. | ||
| So you think this was just suppressed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not out of the blue that I want to suck dick out of the blue. | |
| The police taking a crazy drug. | ||
| No, not out of the blue. | ||
| Maybe it seemed more exciting to him. | ||
| Maybe it never, like regular sex, he's 51 years old. | ||
| Maybe regular sex was, God, I'm so tired of getting laid. | ||
| I mean, think about another 11 years for you. | ||
| You're 40 years old. | ||
| Think about another 11 years from now. | ||
| You're like, God, I'm so tired of your pussy. | ||
| This is so boring. | ||
| And then somebody gives you the drug. | ||
| You're like, why don't you go suck some cock? | ||
| And you're like, why don't I suck some cock? | ||
| Why don't you dress up like a girl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| I've heard this phenomenon when people are so jaded with sex, like rock stars or whatever, that they get so tired of it, it just turns into Dick. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't agree with that either. | ||
| I think Dick was always in the picture. | ||
| Yeah, but I think everybody's got their own little story about how... | ||
| I mean, there was a lot of bisexuality going on in the 70s, according to many people, Mick Jagger and David Bowie and Lou Reed. | ||
| Yeah, all that stuff. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I think a lot of that was like... | ||
| You know, probably one crafty gay dude talked all these other dudes into, you know, it's just cool, man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Plus, they're all doing acid and experimenting with their consciousness. | ||
| And, you know, it is like one of those lost taboos. | ||
| It's like, okay, well, let's stop and look into why is gay sex such a massive taboo. | ||
| Okay, I agree with this, okay? | ||
| If you're fucked up. | ||
| You're faded. | ||
| You're drinking. | ||
| You're almost in a blackout drunk. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And you're with David Boy and you're a big rock star. | ||
| And David Boy pulls out his penis. | ||
| He's like, suck it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why do you have to be blacked out drunk? | ||
| What I was just saying was maybe they're experimenting with different ways of looking at the world. | ||
| Maybe they're being an artist and being like... | ||
| A rock star, being a creative person. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are creative people that are willing to take weird chances and do weird things just to see what... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. | ||
| So what are you saying? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I have gay people that represent me. | ||
| Oh, don't go there. | ||
| Stop that. | ||
| I'm not racist. | ||
| I have black friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Oh, you're right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| But what I'm saying is this. | ||
| I don't have anything against the lifestyle. | ||
| But you're convinced, though, that this wasn't because of the pills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, what I'm saying is that... | |
| What I'm saying is... | ||
| What's this guy's name? | ||
| Ted... | ||
| Ted Haggard. | ||
| Haggard, right? | ||
| Just out of the blue, you know what I mean? | ||
| He doesn't matter. | ||
| He's never said out of the blue that he... | ||
| He said he was gay the whole time. | ||
| He never said that. | ||
| He's been doing interviews recently where he says he was bisexual. | ||
| The whole time. | ||
| Yeah, he said what his issue is... | ||
| But that's what I'm saying, though. | ||
| But that's not what you're saying. | ||
| No, what I'm saying... | ||
| Okay, but this guy that never had any sexual encounters... | ||
| He hid it. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I would think that Bobby... | ||
| What Bobby's saying is probably true, too. | ||
| Like, he probably had it in the back of his head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And because of socialization, right, he just refuses to address it. | ||
| And I agree that the pill did something to open his mind up, maybe. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But I feel like that instinct is there. | ||
| Yeah, you don't know what I mean. | ||
| Okay, that is a possibility, but why would you want to decide one way or another without being that guy? | ||
| Why would you even make a judgment call? | ||
| How the fuck could you know what caused this guy to do gay sex? | ||
| And once you go into his past and interview him and find out, have you ever been attracted to guys? | ||
| Did you ever have a wrestling match where you got a boner? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It is possible. | ||
| If attraction and all these different things are really neurochemical reactions that we have inside of our mind or inside of our brain, if we figure out a way to stimulate certain parts of the brain with... | ||
| Look, think about what we can do as far as antidepressants and all sorts of things that affect mood and neurochemistry. | ||
| What if they can give you something that makes you attracted to the opposite sex? | ||
| What if they can give you something that you're gay and all of a sudden you like girls? | ||
| Or give you something where you're heterosexual? | ||
| They were trying to do that in Iraq. | ||
| They were trying to come out with a bomb. | ||
| The CIA was. | ||
| They actually put research and development into this. | ||
| A gay bomb. | ||
| A bomb that they would detonate and it would be some sort of a chemical agent that would go into the air and it would make all these soldiers become rabidly attracted to each other and they would lose morale. | ||
| They would just start fucking. | ||
| But I even think I'm the strongest of ecstasy. | ||
| I never wanted to suck a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not ecstasy. | |
| We're not talking about ecstasy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, but it doesn't seem like any drug would switch that, though. | |
| Ecstasy has a very specific affection reaction, but it doesn't make you sexually attracted to someone. | ||
| It is possible. | ||
| It's very possible that there could be something as strong as what ecstasy does for you in terms of affection and sensitivity and feeling for things and a loosening of insecurities. | ||
| It's very possible that something else could do it in another way that all of a sudden makes you gay. | ||
| I mean, if you talk to a gay guy, like we have gay friends, and not you and I together. | ||
| We have gay friends. | ||
| We go to the gym and go see Bobby Lee. | ||
| Hey, Bobby! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We go watch musicals. | |
| When you talk to them, they never feel like there's something wrong with them. | ||
| They feel pretty fucking normal. | ||
| So what is it that separates... | ||
| I can't say his name, but the dude who's our friend, who's the piano guy from the store. | ||
| Great fucking guy. | ||
| So what is the difference between him and us? | ||
| Well, the only difference is that he's attracted to men. | ||
| Where is the connection in his mind? | ||
| Is it a chemical door that gets opened? | ||
| Is it a chromosome thing? | ||
| Is it a genetic thing? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's a theory about homosexuality, and one of the more interesting theories was they did a study in Rome, and what they found is that when women are promiscuous, especially like habitually promiscuous, women that constantly cheat on their men, they have a disproportionate amount of gay sons. | ||
| And they believe that what it is is a variation of the X chromosome. | ||
| Women have double X chromosome. | ||
| Men have XY. And they believe that there is a variation of the X chromosome among certain women that makes them incredibly attracted to men to the point where literally they can't even fucking control themselves. | ||
| Their number one obsession is getting new dick. | ||
| They just want to get new dick all the time. | ||
| And this gets transferred into their sons. | ||
| And their son all of a sudden has this incredible attraction to men. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Totally makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because haven't you met girls like that? | ||
| No. | ||
| You never met a girl that's just a fucking freak? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We've all met girls that just seemingly this poor girl's broken and she just can't help fucking everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But the only way to truly find out if this is true is for me to take that pill and I'm not going to do it. | ||
| Well, it doesn't exist. | ||
| But, I mean, this drug exists. | ||
| No, this drug. | ||
| This one. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| It's one guy, okay? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| How many people took it and it just cured their Parkinson's? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's what I'm saying, though, Joe. | ||
| No, no, no, but that doesn't mean anything. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Listen, it doesn't mean anything. | ||
| Because look, how many people are addicted to peanut butter? | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| I just had peanut butter and I'm fine. | ||
| But if you give peanut butter to a guy who's addicted to peanut butter, he fucking dies. | ||
| His throat closes up. | ||
| He can't get any air in. | ||
| There's a biological variation in human beings. | ||
| And you have to take that into account. | ||
| What if for this guy's, for whatever weird tweak, he takes this fucking drug and goes on a gay sex rampage? | ||
| You might be totally right. | ||
| He might be a freak, and he might be just a loser, and he lost all his money, and that's why he's suing this company. | ||
| Okay, how about this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about this? | |
| How about this? | ||
| Can I say this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Could be. | |
| That's what my money is. | ||
| I take the pill. | ||
| Let's say I'm that guy, right? | ||
| I take the pill. | ||
| I go on a gay sex rampage, right? | ||
| How about me just not taking it ever again? | ||
| Well, it wasn't just that. | ||
| I'm not taking the pill again. | ||
| This guy also lost all his money. | ||
| Yeah, on gambling. | ||
| I think that's... | ||
| He hit his bottom. | ||
| Don't take the pill anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, you're a 12-step guy, so you understand about all that shit where people are in denial about that shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's a weird thing when you're around people that are in denial about what caused their issues, right? | ||
| Yeah, and there's also... | ||
| I know that doing drugs and that kind of behavior isn't the root of the problem. | ||
| The root of the problem is something else. | ||
| Those are just symptoms. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if a guy is or has been shown to be a fine, upstanding human being, I mean, I don't know this guy's history. | ||
| That's the problem with having this stupid argument, or this conversation, rather. | ||
| When you lose that much money in gambling, immediately that's a red flag to me. | ||
| Like, okay, this guy's probably going to win. | ||
| But it wasn't until after he got on the medication that he started gambling. | ||
| Apparently he didn't gamble before that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gamblers are often, you know, they tell the truth. | ||
| I don't have a problem with gambling, but I easily could have. | ||
| I was terrified of it when I used to play pool and I used to be around a lot of gambling addicts. | ||
| I was around a lot of them. | ||
| And I used to see them and I would say, this is scary shit. | ||
| Obviously gambling is fun and it becomes too much of an addiction to these people. | ||
| Whatever it is, don't do whatever the fuck they're doing. | ||
| Can I tell you what happened with gambling? | ||
| I was in the Fort Lauderdale Improv, and I put $5 in the machine, okay? | ||
| And I pressed the boat, it was a nickels machine. | ||
| It was a hard rock casino? | ||
| A hard rock, right? | ||
| And all of a sudden, the thing just went crazy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Just crazy. | ||
| I don't even know what happened. | ||
| I got a combination or something. | ||
| Then all of a sudden, people are surrounding me. | ||
| People are in the back of me. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| Who are these people? | ||
| Just other people watching. | ||
| I hit a jackpot. | ||
| So you're worried someone's going to jack your jackpot? | ||
| No, I'm just sitting there going, and I'm turning around. | ||
| Like, oh yeah, this is great, right? | ||
| And then the lady comes, because you get a ticket. | ||
| They go, you can't get a ticket because it's so much money that they're going to have to give it to you. | ||
| The lady comes up to me and she goes, congratulations. | ||
| I go, thank you. | ||
| And they go, so can I just see your ID? I gave her the ID and she goes, I can't give you the money. | ||
| I go, why? | ||
| She goes, your license is two months expired, which it is. | ||
| So I go, no, I want my fucking money. | ||
| We can't give it to you. | ||
| I went to the top Indian chief. | ||
| Like a council member, and I argued with them. | ||
| Two hours later, I'm in an office. | ||
| I go, I played the improv here. | ||
| I packed every room. | ||
| They come here to gamble, right? | ||
| Mine's two months, expired. | ||
| You can't give me a fucking... | ||
| Not that I need the money. | ||
| It's just the idea that I've never... | ||
| It was only $2,000, okay? | ||
| But the idea that I won a jackpot and they won't give me the money... | ||
| That seems like it's against the law. | ||
| No, it's an IRS thing. | ||
| You need a valid private license. | ||
| Yeah, but could you have just said, alright, hold my money, I'll go get my license, renew me back tomorrow? | ||
| No, I live in LA, dude. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, it costs you $2,000 to fly out there. | ||
| But wouldn't casinos, like, hold your shit away? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I gave them my number. | ||
| I go, work it out with their counsel. | ||
| They have to go back. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And they never called me. | ||
| I couldn't get my money. | ||
| And I was so fucking mad. | ||
| I'm still upset about it now, kind of. | ||
| Well, they had an opportunity to fuck you, and they took it. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Yeah, but that's so fucked up. | ||
| It is fucked up. | ||
| That does not seem legal. | ||
| Casinos aren't in the paying out business. | ||
| They're in the you gambling and losing business. | ||
| I know, but here's the point, though. | ||
| I go there every year. | ||
| They know me. | ||
| I go to the desk. | ||
| Everyone loves me. | ||
| Bobby's back. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I know that people come, gamble at the casino, right, after my shows, right? | ||
| I feel like I've provided a service for this. | ||
| They can't fucking, you know what I mean? | ||
| One little clause. | ||
| Look through it. | ||
| Well, now you understand the true nature of your relationship with them. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| That's the nature of the relationship, by the way, with fucking virtually every casino and player. | ||
| The bottom line is the player is a mark, and that's what it is. | ||
| And the mark, it's just like you let him win a little bit, let him get a little bit, make him feel like he's got something going on. | ||
| You cop him a room. | ||
| Hey, you want a nice meal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Listen, even though we lost some money, we had a nice meal, we went to see a show. | ||
| You know, they comped us. | ||
| We went to see the fucking, the Lion King. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's what happens, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the bottom line is, those fucking, like, go to these gigantic places, like the Venetian or the Bellagio, these fucking huge fountains and shit. | ||
| Who's paying for that? | ||
| Who's paying for that? | ||
| We are, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you're paying for that by losing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But what I'm saying is that if I would have won, like, a bigger jackpot, like, two million dollars, I don't know what I would have done. | ||
| I would have physically assaulted an American Indian. | ||
| Holy fuck, man. | ||
| I would litter for the rest of my life. | ||
| Make them cry. | ||
| I would have freaked out about that. | ||
| Yeah, that's an issue, man. | ||
| I would still be fighting that whole thing. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| I lived through it. | ||
| No, what you should start doing is doing a bit about it on stage. | ||
| That's a bit. | ||
| There's a funny bit in there, Bobby. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| There's a funny bit in that. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But the thing is, they can take your fucking money. | ||
| They had no problem with you gambling. | ||
| So you're risking your money, but you can't get a return. | ||
| You know what you should have done? | ||
| Wait, did they print out a $2,000 ticket? | ||
| No, because here's what it is. | ||
| If you win at a slot machine, you get a ticket. | ||
| Anything over $1,200 that you win is considered a jackpot. | ||
| Okay, so then they have to come out to you. | ||
| So then they have to fill out IRS forms and this and that. | ||
| If I just would have made less than $800 less, then I would have been able to take my money. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And then you know what I would have? | ||
| I mean, I would have had a good time. | ||
| I would have spent it at the casino anyway. | ||
| They would have had it in the end. | ||
| Then I would have gotten to a higher machine. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I just wanted a good time. | ||
| Or put it back in the community. | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| I always wanted to say it like that. | ||
| The community. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| What is it about black people that they see community like that? | ||
| They see a lot of things going like that. | ||
| Yeah, but that's a big one. | ||
| Community. | ||
| Community. | ||
| Put it back in the community. | ||
| Yeah, they say that, yeah. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| So there's no way you can get this money back. | ||
| This is gone. | ||
| You're writing it off as a loss. | ||
| You've got to do a bit about this, bro. | ||
| Yeah, I will. | ||
| But the thing is that I called Joel. | ||
| How can he help you? | ||
| Well, he owns the improv, right? | ||
| He has a relationship with the hardcore. | ||
| And what did they say? | ||
| Joe said, there's nothing I can do. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I'm like, but it doesn't make any sense because they know me. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| Now at least you know what the deal is. | ||
| Oh, I know what the deal is now. | ||
| Well, you know, it's also probably a rule that they can't circumvent. | ||
| I mean, who you're talking to is probably a guy who's going by corporate bylines, and this is the rules. | ||
| A person doesn't have a driver's license. | ||
| I mean, even though they know you, they have to kind of assume. | ||
| Like, who the fuck? | ||
| You know, if you can't write down a valid driver's license in the receipt so that you can get taxed on it... | ||
| It just seems like they should be able to hold it for you. | ||
| Like, it seems like, yeah, you won. | ||
| You have credit, $2,000 credit. | ||
| You come back here with your license. | ||
| We'll give you the fucking money. | ||
| But until then, we're holding it for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It seems like that's what casinos do anyways because they have, you know, you go there, like you're Jay-Z and stuff like that. | ||
| You have like a, you know, like almost a bank account with these people. | ||
| You're Jay-Z. Do you know what I did? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Do you know what I did? | ||
| So I bet you can get your $2,000. | ||
| No, I Googled. | ||
| I Googled my name. | ||
| You Googled your name? | ||
| In front of them. | ||
| Like an asshole. | ||
| Oh, did you really? | ||
| Yeah, I go, listen, I play this place. | ||
| I'm a headliner, right? | ||
| You Googled your name in front of them. | ||
| Yeah, and there was a computer there. | ||
| Look, that's a computer. | ||
| And I Googled, right? | ||
| And it went to my Wikipedia page. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I went to my Wikipedia. | ||
| I go, here's my picture. | ||
| Here's my birthday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| I'm almost 40. Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I had no idea. | ||
| I didn't know what else to do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What did they say? | ||
| We don't give a shit. | ||
| They didn't care? | ||
| No. | ||
| Sounds like a scam to me. | ||
| And who's telling you this? | ||
| Who's the person saying they don't care? | ||
| Some American Indian with beads in his hair. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And he was upset at you? | ||
| No, he was just basically really cool about it. | ||
| Just like, I know who you are. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| These are the rules. | ||
| Well, I guess those are the rules. | ||
| Here's the rules now. | ||
| You've got to write a bit about it. | ||
| I'm going to, yeah. | ||
| You have to, man. | ||
| I'm going to, I'm going to. | ||
| It's a $2,000 bit. | ||
| That makes me so fucking mad. | ||
| That makes me mad. | ||
| I don't need the money. | ||
| It's just the principle of it. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I did it. | ||
| Yeah, but it does make sense. | ||
| I mean, it does make sense that they can't hook you up. | ||
| Kind of. | ||
| To me, doesn't it? | ||
| Not to me. | ||
| No, it doesn't make sense because, Joe, I basically work for that casino. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| You work for Joel. | ||
| I work for Joel, but he has a relationship with them. | ||
| And it's not like I don't play there every week. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He just sort of rents there, right? | ||
| He does rent a room. | ||
| He rents the rooms there. | ||
| But you understand what I'm saying. | ||
| It's like, in a sense, I give them business. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Do you like going on the road? | ||
| Do you dig it? | ||
| In some places, yes. | ||
| Some of them are like, I want to kill myself. | ||
| For a long time, you didn't go on the road. | ||
| I refused to do it. | ||
| Yeah, because I remember when we were back in, when I was doing the store, we would talk about it all the time. | ||
| You weren't going on the road back then. | ||
| I refused to do it. | ||
| And then we were somewhere recently, like I think it was San Jose, and they would say, yeah, Bobby Lee was just here to pack the place. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was like, damn, Bobby Lee's on the road now. | ||
| That's the only reason now I go, because when I used to go on the road before, no one would come. | ||
| What changed that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was... | ||
| Well, here's what it was. | ||
| I would go to a market. | ||
| Now, my thing is this. | ||
| I go to a market first. | ||
| And at first, they don't really know me. | ||
| Or if they do, they don't know that I do stand-up, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So I do a weekend pretty much for free. | ||
| They give you a guarantee, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then the second time back, it's always better because I know that I deliver. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That my show is good. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And so the people that saw you, they come see you again. | ||
| They bring more people. | ||
| Then the radio... | ||
| I love radio. | ||
| When will you come back? | ||
| Like if you say you do a gig, how long before you come back? | ||
| A year. | ||
| A year. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And how much of your material will be new in that year? | ||
| Maybe, and I'll be honest with you, not as much as maybe the next guy, but about 10-15 minutes. | ||
| 10-15 minutes would be new in a year, really? | ||
| Yeah, because I'm not that prolific. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But the thing is, here's the thing is that a lot of my stuff now is improvised. | ||
| I have moments of just playing with the audience. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of that, right? | ||
| And also my thing is there's an element of crazy in my show where I usually go in the audience and I do crazy shit. | ||
| Like what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, you know, like if somebody will get up to go to the bathroom, I'll chase them out of the room and follow them to the bathroom. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I'll, yeah. | ||
| While the audience is, they love it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I'll pull my pants down. | ||
| I'll be in my underwear and I'll fall them into the bathroom. | ||
| Have you ever gotten in trouble for pulling your pants down? | ||
| Yeah, I did this one thing where I wanted to give a guy a lap dance. | ||
| So he came on stage. | ||
| And the music was playing and I got... | ||
| Were you on Parkinson's medication? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| And I got naked and I had a sack come out. | ||
| And you can tell that this guy was extremely homophobic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Right? | ||
| So the music's playing and I jump on top of him. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| While he's sitting on the stool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And he literally picked my body and threw me into the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And I hit the ground, you know what I mean, on my back. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I got knocked unconscious for like a split second. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You hear little stars. | ||
| Did you hit your head? | ||
| No, but I heard... | ||
| So what hit that made you see stars like that? | ||
| I hit my back and my head, maybe a little bit. | ||
| Maybe your head a little? | ||
| Yeah, but I also took the wind out of my body. | ||
| Right, okay. | ||
| Right, so I hear... | ||
| Right, you got jacked. | ||
| Yeah, I got jacked. | ||
| And I jumped on top of him again. | ||
| You jumped on him again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what did he do then? | ||
| Because nothing. | ||
| He just took it? | ||
| Because the thing got a laugh. | ||
| When he threw me off of me, it got a laugh. | ||
| So he enjoyed it. | ||
| And I stood back out, and I looked in his eyes, and he kind of went, he kind of liked the laugh. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So I did it again, right? | ||
| Because he got addicted to the laugh, right? | ||
| Because at first it was hatred. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, get off me, gook, you know, kind of thing. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's not what he said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| But in the eyes, I can tell that there was a thing. | ||
| So then when I fell down, we connected. | ||
| I'm like, okay, I can do it again. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like a sense. | ||
| That's the worst thing that's around. | ||
| That's a weird thing, right? | ||
| When you're ad-libbing with someone, you don't know exactly where this is going to go. | ||
| That's exciting. | ||
| It's fun, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's fun. | |
| Well, it's also, too, you and I both came up in the store. | ||
| And the store, I mean, we've talked about this so many times in the podcast, the store for all its terrible qualities. | ||
| The best thing about it is the fact that no one was paying attention, ever. | ||
| There's no crowd control. | ||
| There's no one. | ||
| The comics are forced to take care of audiences themselves. | ||
| And sometimes you just deal with incredibly hostile audiences. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've never worked at a club consistently where there's more insane shit happening. | ||
| And people say, like, I hear other comments go, yeah, this room is tough. | ||
| I go, you don't know nothing. | ||
| You don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, they don't even know. | ||
| If they haven't worked at the store, like, there's so many people that go, yeah, that place is evil. | ||
| I don't do this store. | ||
| The store is evil. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| I wouldn't even say evil. | ||
| No, there's just... | ||
| There's a quality of evil to it. | ||
| I think that quality is because of the fact that it's C-Rose Nightclub, the fact that it was Bugsy Siegel's place. | ||
| You can't get past the fact that people were murdered in that place. | ||
| Yeah, but it also has to do with the color of the building. | ||
| I really believe. | ||
| You know how they say you can't paint your walls in your bedroom red, like blood red, because psychologically it's not good for you. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| It makes you angry. | ||
| It makes you angry. | ||
| Like silver too. | ||
| I try to paint my room silver once and they go, it's not because you'll feel like you're trapped in it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Spaceship. | ||
| I feel like black, you know, like in a cage. | ||
| Black, I don't know what it does. | ||
| I was thinking of painting these walls black. | ||
| No, don't. | ||
| Do you think it'd be okay for a podcast? | ||
| I would never paint walls black. | ||
| See, this is the color what walls, but these are neutral colors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These are nice. | ||
| It's relaxing. | ||
| I feel very good right now. | ||
| Do you feel good? | ||
| Yeah, I feel like this is the color I'm going to leave it here just for you, bro. | ||
| Like coffee. | ||
| It took so long to get you on the podcast. | ||
| I'm going to leave these things. | ||
| And the reason why that was the case, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no, no. | |
| I know. | ||
| It was because there was things going on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Dude, it's just... | ||
| I'm as flaky as the next guy. | ||
| But the store... | ||
| Why don't you come back? | ||
| Come back where? | ||
| The store. | ||
| Oh, never. | ||
| Never. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because I like the improv better. | ||
| And there's no negativity there. | ||
| The improv, everyone's super courteous. | ||
| The staff there are so friendly and thankful and kind. | ||
| For years you dealt with at the store, them pretending that the store was the star and you were lucky to work there. | ||
| You were lucky to help out. | ||
| No matter what you did, you could never do enough. | ||
| But there was an energy when you were there. | ||
| I bring it everywhere else. | ||
| I know, but I'm saying that I'm... | ||
| Because I used to either go up before or after you in the studio. | ||
| It was hard to go up after you, but sometimes they would put me up after you. | ||
| But there was still an energy in the OR, I swear to God, that's different than it is now. | ||
| Not that we don't get an audience, but it's a different kind of vibe. | ||
| Well, I was bringing my specific thoughts on comedy, my specific thoughts on life is let's have fun. | ||
| Let's not take things so fucking seriously. | ||
| Let's look at all this shit, but let's be nice to each other and let's have a good fucking time. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why whenever anything crazy would happen at the store, I would always make it a big point to buy everyone in the audience a drink. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, remember when I kicked somebody out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I mean, I did that like a dozen times. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I would kick people out and then I would spend thousands of dollars buying 300 people drinks, you know? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But that's why I wanted to spread that. | ||
| But why didn't you – why did you leave in the first place? | ||
| Because it's not Mitzi Shore's club anymore. | ||
| See, the whole thing that happened was when the Mencia shit went down, I called Mitzi, who's the owner of the club. | ||
| And Mitzi and I have had a relationship way back to 1994 when I first met her, when I first came to Hollywood. | ||
| And to me, she was the queen of comedy, man. | ||
| The comedy store was mecca to me. | ||
| To me, it was more important, and this is not bullshit, to get passed as a paid regular at the store than it was the fact that I was on a sitcom in California. | ||
| I was on a sitcom and I was like, acting sucks. | ||
| It's a lot of money. | ||
| I was making all this money, but I'm like... | ||
| I'm a fucking paid regular at the store. | ||
| Like, holy shit. | ||
| I couldn't believe I was there. | ||
| I mean, this is where Richard Pryor had started out and David Letterman was there and Kenison was there and all these hicks had worked there for a while. | ||
| So to me, it was like all this history. | ||
| So, I mean, not only had I worked there for free, for all those years where I was on Fear Factor, they put my name up on the marquee. | ||
| It would say, you know, Fear Factor's Joe Rogan. | ||
| Pack the place. | ||
| We would promote it on MySpace. | ||
| And to me, it was just... | ||
| It was a workout room. | ||
| I would get to fuck around and stay sharp, do a long set each Friday and Saturday night. | ||
| So when I would go on the road, I always had material. | ||
| I could still do specials and still do Fear Factor at the same time. | ||
| So it was a perfect situation for me. | ||
| And I could help the store. | ||
| I worked for free. | ||
| And as a matter of fact, even money that they owed me from years ago, I paid it back in the form of a tax-free donation. | ||
| And then I paid for the whole sound system in the place. | ||
| Yeah, you did. | ||
| I took out the speakers. | ||
| I put in a CD-R burner and a fucking DAT player and new microphones and new chords. | ||
| The whole deal, right? | ||
| And then when this whole thing happened with Mencia, which they knew for the longest time what he was doing. | ||
| Everybody knew what he was doing. | ||
| But they were making money off of it, so they turned a blind eye towards comedy. | ||
| And what I've always said was that if you're in the business, if you're an agent or if you're a manager or if you're a club owner, you're selling art. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| And when you've got one person who's stealing the art of the people that you're selling and then selling it again, that's what he's doing. | ||
| He's cannibalizing. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You have to put a foot down and stop that. | ||
| And if you don't, if you say crazy shit like, well, you know, it's business and he's making a lot of money, well, then you clearly are not on the side of the art form that you actually make your living selling. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So when all this shit went down, I called Mitzi up to let her know that, you know, Brian made this crazy fucking video and it's about to go out and it's ugly. | ||
| And I told her, I go, the guy's a problem. | ||
| We've had problems with him for years and we're going to put this video out. | ||
| She goes, okay, well, just keep away from him. | ||
| Just don't get crazy. | ||
| I'm crazy. | ||
| I go, Mitzi, I'm never going to hurt him. | ||
| I go, I'm not going to do anything crazy. | ||
| She goes, okay, do you want to go up tonight? | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| She goes, what time? | ||
| I go, whenever you want to put me up. | ||
| She goes, okay, 10 o'clock. | ||
| All right, thank you, Mitzi. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I love you too. | ||
| That was the last word I ever spoke to her, okay? | ||
| I get off the phone with her. | ||
| Tommy calls me an hour later and tells me I'm banned. | ||
| Why? | ||
| So I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| I go, I just talked to Mitzi and hit this stuttering cocksucker. | ||
| Mitzi's confused. | ||
| Mitzi doesn't know the facts. | ||
| To me, it was very clear that there was some situation where Mitzi was no longer making the decisions. | ||
| No longer her club. | ||
| So there was some other people, whoever the fuck they are. | ||
| Tommy was at the mouthpiece of whoever the fuck was making the decision. | ||
| And clearly they had made a decision to go and have Mencia headline that weekend and make a big deal out of it. | ||
| And he was on the radio. | ||
| It was like for him to try to save face and then have me banned. | ||
| And so I said, I'm never coming back. | ||
| I'll tell you this right now. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| I'm never coming back. | ||
| And so that was years ago, and I've never come back. | ||
| But it was the best thing for me. | ||
| Because after I left there, and then I started working out at the improv, I'm like, God, it's so friendly here. | ||
| The vibe is so much better. | ||
| Everyone's happy there. | ||
| The managers are happy. | ||
| The comics are all... | ||
| It's like there's a cool bar area where everybody hangs out. | ||
| And then I started doing Sal's more recently. | ||
| And just... | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I just realized that there's comedy clubs out there that appreciate comics. | ||
| Those are the only people that you should hang out with. | ||
| I'm thankful for my time at the store. | ||
| I learned a lot there. | ||
| I learned a lot about hecklers and dealing bullshit, and I learned a lot about... | ||
| I just learned a lot about the business from this whole thing that happened, from getting fucked over. | ||
| So for me, it was... | ||
| It was the best thing. | ||
| Well, let me tell you something. | ||
| Tommy didn't go to anybody, by the way. | ||
| You think it was all him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I mean, Tommy and I, whatever. | ||
| I mean, I'm a regular there. | ||
| I get spots anytime I want to. | ||
| And Tommy's a friend. | ||
| I've never called him off the job. | ||
| I call him for spots. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But I know that he makes decisions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm sure he does, but not that one. | ||
| I don't believe that. | ||
| Or this happened. | ||
| He went to Mitzi and he... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He didn't go to Mitzi. | ||
| He didn't talk to her at all. | ||
| I know for a fact. | ||
| He talked to somebody else, whoever the fuck it was. | ||
| Whether it's Paulie or Peter or whoever the fuck is writing. | ||
| Maybe Peter. | ||
| Whoever the fuck it is. | ||
| It might have been Peter. | ||
| I don't know who it is. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't ask. | ||
| I didn't care. | ||
| And ever since then, have they called you? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, he sent me one ridiculous letter. | ||
| I saved it. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| The most one-sided fucking letter ever. | ||
| Talking about, you know, don't destroy the store. | ||
| Build it up. | ||
| And like, you cunts. | ||
| I worked there for free for fucking years. | ||
| And they would always say, like, everybody works for free. | ||
| Not that. | ||
| Everybody doesn't do what I did. | ||
| Everybody doesn't put their name in the marquee and pump it up on MySpace and fill the place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
La Jolla. | |
| I'm going to tell you about La Jolla. | ||
| You know, I started in that room, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go there six years ago. | ||
| I haven't played there in six years. | ||
| Six years ago, I call them, the La Jolla, I go, can I go up? | ||
| Because I'm going to go down and visit a friend. | ||
| They're like, yeah, sure. | ||
| So I drive down there. | ||
| I show up at the club and the manager goes, you can't go up. | ||
| In La Jolla. | ||
| And I go, why? | ||
| He goes, well, it's an all-girls show. | ||
| They're from LA and they don't want to put you up. | ||
| I go, who is it? | ||
| They go, Lisa Sunset. | ||
| People I've never even heard of. | ||
| So I just drove down here. | ||
| They said I could go up. | ||
| I'm from this class. | ||
| I fucking built that stage, literally. | ||
| Me and Freddy Soto, when they gutted the place, we hammered in nails and shit like that. | ||
| So fuck you, I'm going up. | ||
| You're not going up. | ||
| I go, I'll go up last. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No. | ||
| I go, I'm up. | ||
| I'll never play her again. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| He goes, fine. | ||
| I haven't played it since. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You know, man, that's a totally different situation, and I totally see your side of it. | ||
| I totally do. | ||
| And the girls, if they really wanted to do their show and then have you go on last, have you go on afterwards, you know? | ||
| That's what I ask. | ||
| I go, I'll wait. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Some people don't. | ||
| Some people don't like that, though. | ||
| They think that you're going to show them up. | ||
| There was 40 people there, Joe. | ||
| It wasn't like if it was sold out. | ||
| It doesn't matter to them. | ||
| Those 40 people were there to see them. | ||
| And if they do mediocre, they know you're going to crush. | ||
| And you go on after them. | ||
| Let me tell you something, dude. | ||
| It's like I'm from that room, right? | ||
| And I started... | ||
| Remember Fred Burns? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah, back when Fred was running it. | ||
| Did Fred die? | ||
| He died. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| You know, he had spinal bifida. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And his parents were still alive and they took him on a cruise, like a cruise to go to the Bahama. | ||
| I don't know where they went, right? | ||
| And they told Fred one night, they go, Fred, we'll meet you down here at 8 for breakfast. | ||
| And Fred Burns goes, all right. | ||
| And he never showed up to breakfast and they opened up his room and he was dead. | ||
| Well, just failure. | ||
| Yeah, failure. | ||
| Heart failure, body failure, whatever it was. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| He was an interesting guy. | ||
| He got fired, right, for something? | ||
| No, nothing. | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| But the family's crazy, man. | ||
| I mean, look, I got no ill feelings for the store. | ||
| I think it's one of the most interesting clubs in the country, and I think I learned a lot doing stand-up there, but... | ||
| The whole point of the whole situation, the whole point of the whole Mencia altercation was supposedly to create a better environment to stop someone who was victimizing other comedians. | ||
| And when the club supports that, you can't support the club anymore. | ||
| If the club supports that, it wasn't a gray area. | ||
| Everybody knew what was going on. | ||
| Everybody complained for years and years. | ||
| So that decision, the decision they made was like the worst possible decision. | ||
| So there's no way I could go back there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it just sucks the fact that, like, you know, like, Bill Burr will show up, and if Mencia's there, he won't go up. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Those little things, you know what I mean, that fuck up the... | ||
| You know, I love the store. | ||
| You know, it's like home. | ||
| You could go up right in front of Mencia now. | ||
| It doesn't matter now. | ||
| He's toothless. | ||
| Now he's just... | ||
| He's got no claws. | ||
| It's all over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's... | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You know, he's smoking pot. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That'll probably help him. | ||
| Yeah, I think I'll help him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| But he's also drinking. | ||
| Yeah, he's also drinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just... | |
| I can just tell he's sad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Well, it's karma, man. | ||
| And as a friend... | ||
| You can't victimize people. | ||
| And as a friend, you know, you watch it and it's just... | ||
| I always try to play Call of Duty with him on Xbox because I feel bad. | ||
| I always send him a friend. | ||
| You feel bad so you want to kill him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Listen, man, the positive aspects of working at the store were so true. | ||
| I know what you say. | ||
| I think you should just do it one night or something. | ||
| No, I can't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please! | |
| It'll never be the same again. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| Because it'll never be what it used to be. | ||
| What it used to be was a lot of fun. | ||
| It used to be... | ||
| Look, there was a long time where I was at the store where the store felt like it did not have the environment that I envisioned. | ||
| I always envisioned it being, like I said, comedy mecca. | ||
| I always envisioned all these great comics are going to perform there and there's this great environment. | ||
| And then for a long time when I was there in the early 90s, it wasn't like that. | ||
| It was shit. | ||
| I'm going to defend it in a sense. | ||
| Since you left, it has changed in this sense. | ||
| We're getting a lot more New York guys on the list. | ||
| So you have Bill Burr, Davidoff, all these New York guys that have moved here. | ||
| Sarah Silverman was there. | ||
| Yeah, and the lineups, like the other night, who was it? | ||
| Rock and Chappelle. | ||
| Did they go up? | ||
| But they showed up, right? | ||
| It's a different New York vibe. | ||
| And what I'm saying is this, okay? | ||
| From two years ago that you were there, Carlos never goes there. | ||
| It's not Carlos, man. | ||
| It's the people who run the club. | ||
| I know, it's Tommy. | ||
| Whoever's running the club is the same people running the club. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Tommy said some stupid shit to Brian just the other day when he went there, and he called me a fag. | ||
| Tommy's retarded. | ||
| He's a ding-dong. | ||
| That dude was always going to be what he is, you know? | ||
| I know. | ||
| What a comedy store is is an idea, okay? | ||
| The idea is that there's this mecca of comedy where everybody's hanging out, all this crazy people, like that back porch area, the back parking lot. | ||
| How much fucking fun did we have back there? | ||
| So much craziness and hilarity. | ||
| The greatest moments of my life have been back home. | ||
| Hilarious moments. | ||
| Everybody was doing something funny. | ||
| Joey Diaz has got his fucking pants down. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| There's always something. | ||
| It's just chaos. | ||
| There's always crazy people coming back there and hanging out with us. | ||
| You don't even know who the fuck they are. | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| This guy's nuts and he thinks he's an angel. | ||
| Yeah, the guy with the cross that walks down Sunset with his fucking cross. | ||
| And there was a guy that looked like Colonel Sanders. | ||
| Have you seen that guy? | ||
| Yeah, that guy. | ||
| He dresses like Colonel Sanders. | ||
| And Jesus and him together are always the best combo. | ||
| And they're getting an argument. | ||
| You're like, what are they fighting about? | ||
| The Lord or Chicken. | ||
| Who's crazier? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That place is awesome. | ||
| But the idea of what the comedy story is, you bring that everywhere with you, man. | ||
| I bring that everywhere on the road. | ||
| I bring that everywhere where I do stand-up. | ||
| Sal's is a perfect example. | ||
| Sal's Comedy Hole is this new place that opened up on Melrose. | ||
| It's a guy from New York. | ||
| He had a place on La Brea for a while, but they had a liquor license issue, and now he reopened a new place. | ||
| Fucking guy is great. | ||
| He's got open mics almost every night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Super. | |
| Super supportive of comedians. | ||
| Just wants people to come down. | ||
| He's always trying to feed you, give you drinks. | ||
| And he's super consistently nice. | ||
| Just a nice guy who loves comedy. | ||
| And he's running. | ||
| He's trying to make a good comedy club. | ||
| And because of that, comics are flocking to this place. | ||
| Diaz does it all the time. | ||
| Ari does it. | ||
| Brian does it all the time. | ||
| Tonight, his show will have at least 50, 60 comics wanting to go up at their 8 o'clock show tonight. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Do I have to showcase to become a regular? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Just show up. | ||
| Or I'll call him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brian will call him. | |
| You don't have to do anything. | ||
| And he'll just hook you up, man. | ||
| You go up and he'll give you a door deal. | ||
| You can pack the place. | ||
| It's super sweet. | ||
| That's why I just need a new room, maybe. | ||
| When you go to the improv and you go to places like Sal's, you realize, okay, well, there's places that don't have this crazy attitude that the place is the star. | ||
| You know, like Tommy always had this attitude that the store is the star. | ||
| And so did, remember, who's the guy who used to run it? | ||
| Scott Day. | ||
| You remember Scott Day? | ||
| I love Scott Day, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and Duncan was the, people don't realize this, Duncan Trussell, our My boy was the talent manager for the store for the longest time. | ||
| And he had to quit because he didn't want to be on Pauly Shore's reality show. | ||
| They wanted to put it on the reality show. | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| What the improv doesn't have, though, that the store has is that Wild West vibe. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because it's like you can't go over the light. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's rules and this and that. | ||
| So you can't run across the place in my underwear if I want to. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But at the store, there's always still that vibe of like anything can happen. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So you miss that. | ||
| Yes, yes, I do miss that. | ||
| But that's everywhere that Joey Diaz is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you bring Joey Diaz, that vibe comes with us on the road. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So what I'm doing this weekend, by the way, Mandalay Bay Theater, it's almost sold out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's great. | |
| So if you're going to get tickets, jump on that shit now. | ||
| There's not that much left. | ||
| Don't plug my Houston. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| We will. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| It's Friday night, February 4th, which is the night before the UFC. And it's at Mandalay Bay, which is where the UFC is. | ||
| So it's going to be fucking crazy. | ||
| If you want tickets, you've got to jump on it now. | ||
| And it's Joey Diaz and Ari Shafir. | ||
| So it's the full Death Squad roster. | ||
| And Bobby Lee is going to be at the Houston Improv. | ||
| That weekend, too. | ||
| The same weekend. | ||
| February 4th and 5th and 6th? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sunday, too? | ||
| Is it not this weekend? | ||
| Is it this weekend? | ||
| This weekend coming up. | ||
| No, the next weekend after that. | ||
| Oh, next weekend. | ||
| So what is that? | ||
| 11th? | ||
| Something like that, yeah. | ||
| Let's find out exactly so people don't get crazy. | ||
| We don't want to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I came to see your show and you were not there, Bobby Lee! | |
| You were my favorite! | ||
| You're a droid. | ||
| Did you just turn it on? | ||
| Yeah, sorry. | ||
| Are you happy with the droid? | ||
| You happy with that purchase? | ||
| Check out this new camera. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| The 11th, 12th, and 13th, Bobby Lee. | ||
| Friday, Saturday, and Sunday? | ||
| And Valentine's, which is Monday. | ||
| Oh, bam! | ||
| You're doing Valentine's. | ||
| Valentine's Day in Houston, which by the way, I love Houston. | ||
| I'm coming back. | ||
| I fucking swear to God. | ||
| I know I haven't been there in forever. | ||
| We're trying to work out a deal. | ||
| The problem was, I don't want to do any shows where people have to stand up. | ||
| And I was doing the House of Blues, and the House of Blues, they wanted, I think it's like 600 people standing and 600 people seated. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| I'm like, that's crazy. | ||
| I did that in Vegas. | ||
| I've done it in Vegas a bunch of times. | ||
| And the problem, it becomes the bar just becomes filled with people talking. | ||
| There's way too many people there, and everyone's drunk, and no one knows how to fucking whisper, and it becomes chaos. | ||
| And so I went to see one of Doug Stanhope's shows where I had a stand, and I was like, no more standing. | ||
| Because I watched as an audience member. | ||
| I'm like, this isn't fun. | ||
| It hurts your feet. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So I had a bunch of deals where I was supposed to do the Houston area, but every time we ran into this fucking standing roadblock at theaters, we ran into it. | ||
| So I'm just going to go to the comedy club. | ||
| So the improv, we're working it out. | ||
| We're going to figure that shit out. | ||
| So anyway... | ||
| One more time. | ||
| Friday night, February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater, me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir. | ||
| The next weekend, the 11th, 12th, and the 13th, and Valentine's Day, Bobby Lee will be at the Houston Improv. | ||
| It's a very nice club, too. | ||
| It's new. | ||
| It's brand new now. | ||
| It's sweet, right? | ||
| Yeah, they just redid it? | ||
| Yeah, they redid it, yeah. | ||
| Shakalaka, motherfucker. | ||
| So that's the deal. | ||
| And then the weekend after that, I'm at the Brea Improv. | ||
| That's the 18th, 19th, and 20th. | ||
| And we're going to get Brian really high and make him go on stage every night so big that he forgets his material. | ||
| That's one of my favorite new things to do. | ||
| You got his trial by fire, son. | ||
| You did good this weekend. | ||
| He did real good this weekend. | ||
| Seven minutes, you probably fucking killed for four. | ||
| You got a solid four minutes of bits in there. | ||
| You're doing all right, kid. | ||
| You're fucking out there hustling. | ||
| No, he just goes up and does a guest bar. | ||
| He's fucking getting tossed to the lions. | ||
| So that's the 18th, 19th, and 20th is the Brea Improv of February. | ||
| And then the weekend after that, I'm in fire. | ||
| You can go to JoeRogan.net and read all this shit yourself, bitches. | ||
| This Thursday, I'm trying to get Ari and Joey. | ||
| I'm not sure if I can. | ||
| If not, maybe Brian Callen or someone else. | ||
| But there'll definitely be a show on Thursday. | ||
| We're figuring out who the fuck's going to do it. | ||
| But Friday night is the show, so it'd be nice. | ||
| And then Thursday night, Ari has a show that I'm going to be on as well at the Improv. | ||
| That's his storyteller show. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| It's a great show. | ||
| Bobby Lee, thank you very much for coming on the podcast. | ||
| You're the fucking shit. | ||
| You've been my friend for many, many years. | ||
| And I love you. | ||
| I'm happy you're here. | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight. | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Click on the link. | ||
| Enter in the code name ROGAN and you get 15% off your masturbatory utensil. | ||
| Alright, bitches. | ||
| You know I love you. | ||
| I'll see you in a couple days. | ||
| Thanks for all the support. | ||
| For everything. | ||
| For everything, you motherfuckers. | ||
| You make life a dream. |
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