Feb. 3, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:33:33
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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What is that other thing that you have saved there? | |
| John Mayer. | ||
| That's John Mayer? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| John Mayer won't sue us. | ||
|
unidentified
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He likes us you can play Start from scratch. | |
| Why? | ||
| Because the mp3 recorder is not... | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Go. | ||
| Do you open your show with, uh, Your Body is Wonderland? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| My body is Wonderland, bro. | ||
| Don't hate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Take three. | ||
| Folks, this is a fucking ghetto podcast, alright? | ||
| This is how we rock it. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Eddie F does join us, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Please give it up for Eddie F. That's IFFT. You can find him on Twitter. | ||
| He's a hilarious stand-up comedian and a good pal of mine. | ||
| And we are sponsored by The Fleshlight. | ||
| Before we go any further... | ||
| Go to JoeRogan.net, click the link, and type in the name Rogan, and you get 15% off. | ||
| It's fucking a fabulous masturbation tool, Mr. F. I know you're not into those things. | ||
| You're a wholesome gentleman. | ||
| You're not that type of boy. | ||
| I even go dry. | ||
| You go dry? | ||
| I go dry, too. | ||
| I feel like when I put lube in my hand that I'm really committing to beating off, and it's like, what's wrong with me? | ||
| I can't even do dry. | ||
| Dry, I feel like I can just get in and get out when I need to. | ||
| Yeah, but when I do the fleshlight, you have to use lube. | ||
| With Flesh Lake, do they have celebrity vaginas and stuff? | ||
| Yes, of course they do. | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| They've thought of it all. | ||
| They have alien vaginas, like blue ones that look like Avatar bitches, but it's not Avatar, of course. | ||
| It's alien, because if it's Avatar, they'd have to pay. | ||
| I hung out with the Fleshlight guy last night. | ||
| I had a great time. | ||
| So, Chuck Liddell was cool. | ||
| Yeah, if he's in town next week, we're going to get him. | ||
| He doesn't work for Fleshlight anymore. | ||
| He quit. | ||
| He opened up his own company. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Do they have any really, really obscure people? | ||
| Obscure porn stars? | ||
| I'm sure they do. | ||
| I haven't looked through the catalog. | ||
| Yeah, even though I'm a part of the company, I have not looked through the catalog. | ||
| Do you have a loop, eh? | ||
| You know, like, I was fleshlighting with Roseanne Barr's vagina. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, God. | |
| I bet she would do it. | ||
| Roseanne would probably do it. | ||
| I bet Rosie O'Donnell might do it, too. | ||
| But there's a lot of lesbians that would do it, just to think that someone's out there using their vagina properly. | ||
| With Rosie's, you'd have to take two fleshlights and just rub them together. | ||
| that's like humor Eddie Ift is also on a podcast you guys call it Talking Shit Yeah, Talking Shit with Jim Jeffries and Eddie Ift. | ||
| With Jim Jeffries and Eddie Ift. | ||
| And recently you guys got fucked because I guess you swore in your iTunes. | ||
| Yeah, just our title. | ||
| A title for the episode? | ||
| We had one title once that was called, I Guess I'm Gonna Have to Eat This Dude's Cunt, was one of them, where a guy named Brian McCarthy told us a story about how he fucked a post-op transsexual. | ||
|
unidentified
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Whoa. | |
| And he was telling the story about how she told him she used to be a dude. | ||
| Before he fucked her. | ||
| Before he fucked her, but he said he was already like so into it that he was like, all right. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh. | |
| And they're having a threesome with her, and the dude's getting a blowjob. | ||
| And he's like, I'm looking at the back. | ||
| And he goes, and I realize, I guess I'm going to have to eat this dude's cunt. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| So we titled it that. | ||
| So he did? | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| He went down. | ||
| It's our episode three. | ||
| We still think it's our funniest episode. | ||
| What is this guy's name again? | ||
| Brian McCarthy. | ||
| He actually lives right out here. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's crazy. | |
| Brian McCarthy. | ||
| Is he a comic? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| Sort of. | ||
| He hosts all these things. | ||
| He's got a show on National Lampoon Radio. | ||
| He's the funniest. | ||
| If he came in a room with a bunch of comics, every comic would go, that's the funniest guy in the room. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fucking hilarious. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| What if Joey Diaz is in that room? | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| You can't tell me there's a guy alive that's funnier than Joey Diaz. | ||
| Sounds like a challenge. | ||
| That sounds like nonsense. | ||
| Joey Diaz would find this guy really funny. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| He's fucking weird. | ||
| There's no way to explain him. | ||
| I believe you, but I don't believe he's funnier than Joey Diaz. | ||
| I don't think that's possible. | ||
| He's like this fat guy that he's got a wife and kids' normal life, but he directs porn on the side. | ||
| And he wears pink polo shirts and white bucks. | ||
| And he's got this secret life that he leads. | ||
| Maybe you shouldn't be talking about it on the podcast. | ||
| On our podcast, he told a story about smuggling weed from Jamaica in boom boxes and getting arrested and having to go to jail for two and a half months. | ||
| In Jamaica? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, when he got to America and he went to jail and he stayed in jail for two and a half months rather than tell, call his parents to get him bailed out because he didn't want his mom to know. | ||
| So he was just going to sit it out and let his mom think he was in Jamaica. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He's just a fucked up funny. | ||
| How old was he when this happened? | ||
| Like 20 years old. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I'd just rather take two and a half months in prison. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So he's just wired crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn, that's a dude that will fucking keep a secret though. | ||
| That's a guy that I'd want working for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Two and a half months? | ||
| Two and a half months. | ||
| Two and a half months in jail instead of telling his mom? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a fucking soldier right there. | ||
| Yeah, we got a soldier. | ||
| Brian McCarthy, huh? | ||
| That's his name? | ||
| And it's episode three of your podcast. | ||
| We can hear this? | ||
| I need to hear this now. | ||
| And then we have, on our show, it's one of the funniest stories you'll ever hear in your own life. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| He's talking about fucking the pussy and he's like, it felt like frozen gummy bears. | ||
| That's the only thing I can describe. | ||
| Because I think they didn't get rid of all the dick meat. | ||
| They just stumbled. | ||
| He's like, so I'm fucking, and he goes, now if I tell you this pussy just looked like a sloppy mess, you should have seen the asshole. | ||
| But I couldn't get any friction in the pussy, because I guess the doctor didn't do a good job. | ||
| So I'm pinching the pussy down, and I'm fucking the ass. | ||
| Oh, he fucked this guy and his asshole? | ||
| Oh, he did everything. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
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Jesus Christ! | |
| Oh, he's a mental kid. | ||
|
unidentified
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And he's not even gay? | |
| Not at all. | ||
| What the fuck is that about? | ||
| He told a story about how he let a guy blow him one time, because he was out with this... | ||
| And he's not a good-looking dude. | ||
| He was out with this supermodel chick, really hot, famous Playboy model. | ||
| And they were out, and they were all doing coke and partying. | ||
| And she goes, I'll let you do anything you want to me if you let this guy suck your dick. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And he went... | ||
| Well, he goes, what do I have to lose? | ||
| He goes, if I like it, then I'm gay. | ||
| He's like, so? | ||
| He goes, that solves a lot of problems for me in life. | ||
| He's like, so I let the guy do it. | ||
| And apparently the guy that did it is this famous writer for Vanity Fair. | ||
| And he let the guy suck his dick. | ||
| And he said, as soon as I felt the growth, the stubble of his beard hit the base of my cock, he goes, I've never gone so limp in my life. | ||
|
unidentified
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And he goes, I went, I'm not gay! | |
| Now, did he fuck the chick afterwards? | ||
| He did fuck the chick afterwards. | ||
| He said maybe he was too coked up to fuck her that night, but he got to afterwards. | ||
| So the guy went limp, meaning that he was hard before the stubble hit him. | ||
| Yeah, well, she got him hard or something. | ||
| It was a crazy fucking story. | ||
| This dude knows how to party. | ||
| No, he doesn't. | ||
| No, I do not want to party with him. | ||
| He does not know how to party. | ||
| That guy's an idiot. | ||
| She sucked a... | ||
| Had a guy suck his dick. | ||
| That's not a guy who knows how to party. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| He's, uh... | ||
| I would rather not fuck that girl. | ||
| That girl has a lot of outrageous demands. | ||
| You know who he's friends with? | ||
| He's friends with the dude who's a pretty amazing dude to me, too, that owned Consumption Junction. | ||
| Do you remember that website? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, I went to Arizona to do shows. | ||
| It's all like crazy stuff, right? | ||
| Consumption Junction is all like car accidents. | ||
| Is that still around? | ||
| I don't know if it is, but the dude sold the website and made millions of dollars. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| He's his best friend and I went to Arizona to Scottsdale or whatever Tempe to do shows there. | ||
| And he's like, let me call my friend. | ||
| He'll show up at your show. | ||
| So the dude shows up and sits down and starts telling me stories. | ||
| He's like, so I'm in Panama. | ||
| Because, you know, there's no extradition laws there, and we're doing mountains of coke, and we're fucking these girls, and I'm pissing all over them, and we're all in the shower, and there's eight girls for me, and eight girls for my friend, and, like, these guys just live in a world that, like, they make movies about. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And they tell me these stories, and I'm like, are they just, are they lying to me to impress me because I'm a comic? | ||
| And then you see his website, and you go, oh, okay. | ||
| There's guys that are doing that. | ||
| There's these Joe Francis-type characters that are, you know, like, that guy is notorious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think these guys are beyond that. | ||
| This dude now owns a website called Sugar Sugar. | ||
| It depends on how much money you have. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| If you're a sociopath and you've got a billion dollars, you can do some damage. | ||
| You can just go out there and ball all the time. | ||
| I know some people that are big finance people. | ||
| Back in the early days of the UFC. And these guys had tons and tons of money. | ||
| This guy was ugly as fuck. | ||
| And this guy used to travel all over the country just banging chicks. | ||
| And he'd always tell me stories about being in Ibiza and being in Russia and being here. | ||
| And he's just a fucking 20th century baller. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| This guy was just roaming the country, roaming the world rather, just everywhere. | ||
| Party. | ||
| And especially if you go to other countries. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In other countries people just fuck. | ||
| That's a guy I want to hang out with. | ||
| It's not like America. | ||
| America's a different rap. | ||
| You know that because you go to Australia like six months a year, right? | ||
| I toured for about six years extensively around the world, like doing China and Dubai and all these, South Africa. | ||
| And I saw some shady, shady shit. | ||
| Like you just start finding out, like prostitutes are $50 around the world. | ||
| And I was at a party one night in Dubai where everyone was so fucked up. | ||
| They went, oh, let's get hookers. | ||
| And when we found out they were $50, we were like, well, let's get 10 each. | ||
| And it was like, we didn't even want to have sex with them. | ||
| It started with $50. | ||
| I just want them to come over and listen to my jokes. | ||
| You created your own audience. | ||
| Everybody gets 10. We've got 30 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a decent night in the OR. Imagine having an audience you could fuck afterwards. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
| Well, this is what happened. | ||
| I'm not going to mention the names because some of them are, you know, comics that work here, but there was a whole bunch of comics and everybody started upping the ante. | ||
| They're like, I want to just have them come over and fucking pour maple syrup all over them and we're going to swim around the fucking bathroom floor. | ||
| I want to put Pringles on. | ||
| This is in Dubai? | ||
| This is in Dubai. | ||
| Did you guys worry about being arrested? | ||
| Because they have some really crazy laws over there. | ||
| From the minute we got there to the minute we left on this trip, we were so fucked up. | ||
| That it never occurred to me. | ||
| And then my next trip over, I got fucked up in customs and thought I was never coming back. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I didn't have the proper visa and I tried to leave. | ||
| I missed my flight because I was all fucked up. | ||
| Oh, this was the same trip on the way back. | ||
| I tried to leave like... | ||
| The other two comics got on the plane. | ||
| I missed the plane out of just being so fucked up. | ||
| I was in an internet cafe. | ||
| I missed the plane and then I'm like, fuck, the next flight's not for 24 hours to London. | ||
| So I try to leave the airport to go to a hotel and my visa was only good for like three or four days or whatever. | ||
| So they checked my visa, they checked my passport and they didn't match because my agent fucked up. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| My agent put my middle name or something on it somehow. | ||
| You easily could be a spy too. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Spy look to him. | ||
| Guy just took my passport, walked away, and I never saw my passport again until 24 hours later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So I'm without a passport. | ||
| The next thing I know, I'm in an office. | ||
| Next thing I know, fucking strip search. | ||
| I've done. | ||
| They've gone through everything in my bag. | ||
| They've gone through my computer. | ||
| When they open up my computer... | ||
| My heart started beating so fast that I'm like... | ||
| Because pornography is illegal in the Middle East. | ||
| And they tell you, don't buy porn. | ||
| The guys are going to try to sell it to you in the streets. | ||
| Don't buy it. | ||
| They could be spied. | ||
| So they looked on every folder in your laptop? | ||
| They opened my laptop. | ||
| And when they opened it, I was just like, this is it. | ||
| I'm going to be in fucking prison. | ||
| Middle Eastern prison for the rest of my life. | ||
| Because I downloaded like topless car wash angels. | ||
| You know, like that's... | ||
| Like this is fucked. | ||
| And... | ||
| I had called my girlfriend at the time because they kept making me go. | ||
| Before they kind of held me in this office, they were like, go to this office. | ||
| And I'd go to this office. | ||
| They'd be like, go to this office. | ||
| And I kept walking down hallways. | ||
| And they're like, go down this hallway. | ||
| And they make me walk down this hallway. | ||
| And there's a big sign that says... | ||
| Like, nobody is allowed past this point. | ||
| No one at all. | ||
| Like, whatever in English it said. | ||
| And I'm like, they told me, go down that hall. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm not going down that hall. | ||
| Like, they're setting me up or something. | ||
| So I call her on the phone. | ||
| I've got my cell phone. | ||
| And I go, listen. | ||
| I'm fucked. | ||
| I don't know what's going on, but if you don't hear from me in two hours, call the U.S. Embassy and tell them I'm in trouble. | ||
| I said, something's fucked up here. | ||
| And Dubai's supposed to be like the most progressive place in the world. | ||
| What? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Not in the world, but I mean in the Middle East. | ||
| Of the Middle Eastern countries. | ||
| Yeah, but that's just because they want the money. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They want tourism. | ||
| They want it to be Vegas of the desert. | ||
| Yeah, they look the other way. | ||
| You see shit like Russian hookers barbecuing sausages on the beach, like topless, and you're like, wait a minute. | ||
| Really? | ||
| This is a fucking Muslim country. | ||
| But I've heard that people have been arrested that we're making out there. | ||
| So it was just subjective? | ||
| Like, they decide when to enforce it? | ||
| That was Sex and the City, wasn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| It was a real couple. | ||
| A real couple was making out. | ||
| There's weird fucking shit. | ||
| Like, we had drinks, beers, on our van. | ||
| And I was over there another time shooting a documentary. | ||
| And we had beers on the van after we shot one night. | ||
| And we had a female that worked for the Emirates with us. | ||
| And the next day we find out, like, we're in big trouble. | ||
| We drank around a female. | ||
| We were swearing. | ||
| There was all kinds of shit. | ||
| And they're like, you broke every, like, Sharia law possible. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| And there's evidence of this? | ||
| Well, it was kind of like, because I was over there with, like, a guy who's really important. | ||
| His father is like the attorney for the Emirates. | ||
| And so it was kind of like, you guys are okay, but don't fuck up again. | ||
| So do you have a mark against you now? | ||
| Say if you go to Dubai now... | ||
| I'm never going again. | ||
| We filmed one thing where I put on a dishdash, which is the Islamic... | ||
| Well, not Islamic, but just the garb that they wear in Dubai. | ||
| And, you know, it's the white gown and the hat and everything. | ||
| They gave me one of those when I did the UFC in Abu Dhabi. | ||
| Yeah, and a buddy of mine just wore them around town. | ||
| We thought it was kind of funny. | ||
| And we kept asking people. | ||
| We're like, we're okay, right? | ||
| We're not breaking any law. | ||
| And they're like, no, no, it's not religious. | ||
| It's just the clothing that people wear. | ||
| And then the girl that worked for the Emirates left the Emirates and sent me an email telling me that there were spies watching us the whole time. | ||
| And I was like, just fuck this shit. | ||
| I don't need to go back there. | ||
| Yeah, who was it that was telling us? | ||
| Pete Johansson was telling us that he did gigs in Dubai, and there was members of the secret police would sit in the audience and watch. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they would be in the front row, and they'd be totally obvious. | ||
| Actually, I don't remember if he said the front row. | ||
| He might have said the back row. | ||
| Whatever he said, they were super obvious, and they were standing there with their arms crossed, just staring at him the whole time. | ||
| So he's trying not to cross any lines, trying not to say anything. | ||
| What's the lines? | ||
| You can't cuss? | ||
| No, no, you can say anything you want. | ||
| Religious things. | ||
| They don't want you making fun of Islam. | ||
| Remember when we had Wits' Face, Hal Sparks, and he was talking about almost getting arrested? | ||
| He was doing gigs with John Lovitz, and he made the mistake of calling, speaking of one of the sultans or one of the sheikhs, and he called him, what do you call him, Monsieur? | ||
| I think he said that, like called him the French name for Mister, and apparently one guy got incredibly offended and called the religious police and people showed up and they were gonna fucking put him in jail for this. | ||
| I seriously think I could make a movie about my weekend, the one weekend I went there. | ||
| It's real scary when there's other parts of the country where you travel like that. | ||
| We get used to behaving and thinking you have a certain amount of freedom. | ||
| What you do here? | ||
| This isn't an entirely free country. | ||
| We'd steal illegal. | ||
| You can't say, I want to kill the president. | ||
| Or if you do, they'll lock you up. | ||
| Obviously, it was in character when I said that. | ||
| The president of Kentucky Fried Chicken. | ||
| You know, there's certain things you can't say. | ||
| It's not completely and totally free. | ||
| But for the most part, it's pretty easy to get along here. | ||
| But if you go to other parts of the world, they're incredibly suppressive. | ||
| Incredibly. | ||
| Especially the Middle East. | ||
| Yeah, terrifyingly. | ||
| You know, that's one of the things that people like, you know, I am most certainly not for war and not into this war, which I think is a fucking shady war and shady as fuck how we got into it. | ||
| But... | ||
| We have to be very careful about the rise of Islamic power all around the world, the rise of Sharia law. | ||
| We have to be careful of any kind of religious zealots, whether Christian zealots or Muslim zealots. | ||
| Anytime people think they can lock you up and they have the right to because you were having fun, you were out dancing, you were out drinking. | ||
| I have to say that's some scary shit. | ||
| I've always been not anti-American, but I always rail against the government on all things. | ||
| But when I get over there and this kind of shit happen, that's when you start to really appreciate your country. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go, you know, I could call the embassy and they would take care. | ||
| Like, they fight for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Sure. | ||
| That's what they're supposed to do. | ||
| They're United States citizens. | ||
| I mean, we pay taxes. | ||
| That's what it's all about. | ||
| That's the benefits of being a part of the team. | ||
| But it's just fucked up that we have to think about that anywhere. | ||
| I mean, yeah, United States, it's not perfect. | ||
| It's corrupt as shit. | ||
| It's super corrupt. | ||
| The business of government is gigantic. | ||
| There's a billion different jobs out there that literally don't need to exist. | ||
| They exist to keep jobs going, to keep the business of government going. | ||
| And it creates quagmires and fucking complex little social situations That's what I always say to people. | ||
| I think it's funny when people criticize the president. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not an Obama fan, but I'm not against him. | ||
| I don't believe in the whole political system. | ||
| But I love people that criticize the president. | ||
| Like he's the one who's in charge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Like he fucked everything up. | ||
| He's so silly. | ||
| It's like WW Raw, you know, the whole political system. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And Vince McMahon's the corporations running it all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But people that criticize, like a guy, Obama and his healthcare, I'm like, dude, you can't even fucking return your videos to Blockbuster on time. | ||
| It's a general lack of understanding about the system, which I think most people have. | ||
| And even me, I'll get into it, I'll focus on it for a couple of months, and then I'll go, what am I doing? | ||
| What am I paying attention to? | ||
| I'm paying attention to this stupid hustle, this fake thing that barely... | ||
| What goes on in Washington barely affects your day-to-day life. | ||
| What goes on in your neighborhood, what goes on with your friends, what goes on in your world... | ||
| The people that you interact with, that's what affects your life. | ||
| If you get really too hung up in dealing with Washington and politics and Democrats and Republicans and thinking you understand that system, that's what's ridiculous. | ||
| I used to work for a senator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it was my first job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where? | |
| I worked for Arlen Specter. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Swear to God. | ||
| That evil cunt. | ||
| You know, that guy was on the Warren Commission Report. | ||
| Dude, I could tell you. | ||
| I started interning for him in college. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it was like, I thought I wanted to go into politics or something, and then I realized, like, I'm the... | ||
| I thought that I had the shady side that was good for politics, but I was like, there's no fun involved. | ||
| It's just a fucking torturous, horrible... | ||
| And they are. | ||
| Like everyone says, it's poor man's Hollywood. | ||
| Spectre had hair plugs, facelift, fucking... | ||
| Of course, you have to appear virile to your audience. | ||
| And he was the ugliest dude in the world. | ||
| He was an evil fuck, man. | ||
| But when he would explain his single bullet theory, if he would sit and explain it to you after he does it, you would believe him. | ||
| No, I wouldn't. | ||
| No, I wouldn't because I've seen the bullet. | ||
| The dumbest thing about the single bullet is the bullet itself. | ||
| It has almost no damage, went through two people, shattered bone, and it's barely dented. | ||
| But I'm telling you, in his presence, he has this way of convincing you. | ||
| Incorrect. | ||
| Incorrect. | ||
| I would not be amused or affected by that dummy. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| That guy's an evil fuck. | ||
| There's no way I would listen to him and be impressed. | ||
| Is he charming? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not in the least. | ||
| It was one of those things where I was like, how the fuck did this guy get into politics? | ||
| He was like... | ||
| All you have to do is be in, dude. | ||
| Once you're in, it's like being a writer on a sitcom. | ||
| When you work on a sitcom, one of the things you find out about working on sitcoms is there's usually a few brilliant writers and these fucking fakes. | ||
| These people that aren't really funny at all. | ||
| They were never stand-up comedians. | ||
| Someone somehow or another... | ||
| Got them a job as a comedy writer, and now here they are on sitcoms. | ||
| You deal with them over and over and over again, and you realize all you have to do is just get into the system. | ||
| Once you get into the system, then you get other jobs. | ||
| I gave that speech. | ||
| I got a deal a long time ago to do a sitcom, and it was going to be about my life. | ||
| I used to live with my sister in New York for a while, and they thought that was funny. | ||
| To the point of view, we'll make a show about it. | ||
| And so I met with writers, or first I met with all the development guys, and they were like, show me the writers they were going to give me. | ||
| And they gave me the script of these guys, and I went, this is shit. | ||
| This is shit. | ||
| And my manager at the time was like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Take the money. | ||
| Who was your manager? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| At the time it was Kerry Hoffman. | ||
| Kerry Hoffman. | ||
| Out of New York. | ||
| He owned Stand Up New York. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Stand Up New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Didn't Kerry, like, he would get, like, people would get sitcoms and he would want a piece of the sitcom because they used to work out in his club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Didn't he do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| The guy was a manager of a fucking comedy or owned a comedy club. | ||
| Comics would go up and they'd perform at his club and one guy got a development deal. | ||
| And he wanted like a certain percentage of this guy's sitcom because he used to practice at his club. | ||
| Oh, that's fucking stupid. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And he didn't get it though, did he? | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| He tried really hard. | ||
| Amazing that he would even chase after that. | ||
| So I'm sorry. | ||
| So this guy tells you to shut the fuck up. | ||
| He's like, shut the fuck up and take the money. | ||
| And I'm sitting in the meeting and I said, no offense. | ||
| I said, I understand that you think these guys are good writers and everything. | ||
| I said, but I know this whole system, what goes on. | ||
| Guys get in and they get their buddy in and he can't write. | ||
| But then they've been there for 10 years and you don't realize they never wrote anything good. | ||
| They were just there. | ||
| And now they get to be a showrunner. | ||
| I said... | ||
| I've got millions of friends that write funnier than this. | ||
| Can I just go out and get one of them? | ||
| And Jim and I are in that situation right now, where they're trying to do a show with us right now, and it's like, we feel like we could write the show. | ||
| There was a time when I had a development deal where there was two guys that were writing for friends. | ||
| They were the creators of Friends, and one of them branched out on his own. | ||
| And I got this development deal, and it was for Fox, and it was a good amount of money, and so they really wanted this guy to do it because this guy had such a great background. | ||
| Well, often what happens is when there's a team of writers, you got one brilliant guy, and the other guy is this fucking buddy that you bounce shit off of, you know? | ||
| And so the brilliant guy is bouncing shit off the other guy, and then they put it all together, like maybe the other guy types, and they become a team. | ||
| So you got bounced. | ||
| Somewhere along the line, the other guy says, you know what? | ||
| I think I'm unrecognized. | ||
| My talent pursues my friend. | ||
| I'm much better. | ||
| So this fucking idiot decides he's going to go out on his own. | ||
| So he gets this giant development deal. | ||
| It was for Michael Eisner's company. | ||
| And it was a fucking huge development deal. | ||
| Millions and millions of dollars. | ||
| Everybody was like banking on this guy. | ||
| And so I go to meet with the guy. | ||
| They want me to meet with him. | ||
| I meet with him and he's wearing bowling shoes. | ||
| And whenever I see a guy who's trying to be wacky, you know, you're wearing bowling shoes aren't comfortable. | ||
| Uncomfortable as fuck. | ||
| Like, why are you wearing those? | ||
| You're wearing those to let me know that you're nutty. | ||
| You know, I might be a multi-millionaire, but I wear bowling shoes to the office. | ||
| Did you just get done bowling? | ||
| No. | ||
| You're trying to send a message. | ||
| And the message is, you're dressing like you think a funny person would dress. | ||
| That tells me you're probably not fucking funny. | ||
| So I immediately get terrified. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this guy is just a fucking faker. | ||
| He snuck through. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| How could he get this fucking gigantic multi-multi-million dollar deal if he snuck through? | ||
| So I meet with the guy. | ||
| We talk. | ||
| He has an idea. | ||
| He wants me to be a part of it. | ||
| We meet, and then they give me one of his scripts. | ||
| The script that I read is fucking terrible. | ||
| I mean, it's just god-awful. | ||
| There's nothing funny in it at all. | ||
| And I'm like, well, maybe this is just a shit script. | ||
| Maybe he's got some other ones. | ||
| Maybe they had him write this, and it wasn't a subject that he was interested in. | ||
| So this guy comes up with the, this is his idea for a sitcom. | ||
| Sitcom is about an immortal. | ||
| It's about a man who's immortal, okay? | ||
| And he exists since like Egyptian days, and all he does is like get laid. | ||
| It's fucking devoid of comedy. | ||
| Who wants to watch a sitcom about an immortal, a guy who's an immortal, has been immortal since the Egyptian days, and all he does is try to get it? | ||
| I don't understand all these hooks in these sitcoms. | ||
| When you look at the best sitcoms that have ever existed, the jobs or whatever they do, it's so superfluous. | ||
| All you need is a group of people that hang out together and have relationships with each other and the interesting relationships. | ||
| If you look at like Taxi and Cheers, you could move them to any other setting and they would be funny. | ||
| You put them in an office. | ||
| It didn't matter what this guy did. | ||
| This guy was not funny. | ||
| It didn't matter if he wrote about three people hanging out at a laundromat or three people who work on the moon. | ||
| He's a fucking idiot. | ||
| That show never made it out though, right? | ||
| No, of course it didn't. | ||
| And I had to tell them, we had a meeting and it was a real controversial meeting. | ||
| It was like, they were upset at me because I was like, this guy sucks. | ||
| And they're like, this guy does not suck. | ||
| This guy is buh-buh-buh. | ||
| He's this, he's that. | ||
| He's done all these things. | ||
| And I'm like, he's not funny. | ||
| I'm telling you, this guy's not funny. | ||
| This is a mistake. | ||
| They're like, you don't understand. | ||
| There's more to writing than just being funny. | ||
| There's character development and story arcs. | ||
| And he's a guy who really understands that. | ||
| And we can bring in more funny later. | ||
| But what he's really concerned with is what we're concerned with. | ||
| We want a really good story. | ||
| The story was death. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| It was stupid. | ||
| It didn't make any sense. | ||
| It was just like a guy who's pretending to be a comedy writer who got a job writing comedy. | ||
| It's like if you took some fucking guy who worked for a fence company. | ||
| I'm tired of writing fences. | ||
| I think I'm a good writer. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| I've been doing stand-up for 15 years. | ||
| And it took me 14 and a half years to finally realize that 95% of the people in the business Don't know anything about comedy. | ||
| Well, you can't really truly understand unless you're doing it. | ||
| I mean, I've lately been putting them to the test where I'll say, well, explain to me why. | ||
| And when you put them on the hot seat, I'll say something like, why is that comic doing that? | ||
| Or why do you think he's good at what he does? | ||
| Or why isn't he good? | ||
| Are you asking agents, managers? | ||
| Yeah, everybody. | ||
| Development people, talent scouts. | ||
| I always do it, and I put them to it, and they'll go, well, you know, he does this really interesting thing where he's kind of like, not really observational, but he's kind of political, but he's more on a surreal... | ||
| I'm like, you have no fucking idea. | ||
| You have no idea. | ||
| You all are sheep, and you just... | ||
| Well, it's not that. | ||
| I think agents and managers are really important, but I think they really can't truly understand what comedy is all about unless they do it. | ||
| Unless you do it, you're really never going to be an expert on it. | ||
| You might know a lot about it, but you're never going to really truly understand it unless you can recreate it. | ||
| I have an agent out of Australia. | ||
| I think he might have worked with you when you were down there, Artie Lang. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Same name as Artie Lang, Howard's guy, but same name. | ||
| Artie is fucking, like, the greatest agent that has ever been. | ||
| He's fucking amazing, and he knows comedy. | ||
| He did comedy a little bit. | ||
| And, like, you'll do a bit, and he'll go, why don't you say this? | ||
| And you're like, yeah, that would actually work better. | ||
| And I'll run my sets by him before I go on TV, and he's like, no, no, take that out, put that in. | ||
| And he... | ||
| I'm not saying that he can't have some understanding of comedy without doing it. | ||
| You just can't really truly understand it. | ||
| You're never going to understand it the way a comic understands it. | ||
| It's all theoretical until you put it in practice. | ||
| It's like a guy who does kata in the gym and is pretty sure he could fare well in a street fight. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But really, he's not really sure. | ||
| It's theoretical. | ||
| A guy who's actually fought a bunch of times is like, yeah, I've been through this shit before. | ||
| I know what I'm going to do. | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| But there's nothing wrong with agents and managers that don't understand it totally because they do a great job. | ||
| I wouldn't do it and you wouldn't do it. | ||
| We're not going to sell ourselves. | ||
| We're not going to go out and get development deals. | ||
| We can't do it anyway. | ||
| You can't negotiate for yourself. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| Especially that and be creative. | ||
| It's important to have managers and agents, but they don't have to know everything. | ||
| They just have to shut the fuck up and push in the right direction, if you're talented. | ||
| The problem is when you're not that talented or when you're not doing that well, you haven't become successful yet, then they start tweaking you. | ||
| Then they start, "Well, we've got to figure out what's going on here. | ||
| What you need is a new look." Jamie Masada told my friend Todd Parker that he had to be the Generation X guy. | ||
| That's what he was saying. | ||
| Buddy, you are Generation X guy. | ||
| This is your new hook. | ||
| You go on stage, everything come out of your mouth. | ||
| Generation X. I am Generation X guy. | ||
| Have you IMDB'd that guy now lately, the Friends writer, just to see what kind of product? | ||
| I don't even remember his name. | ||
| I don't remember his name, but I met a couple of those guys. | ||
| I wrote something with one of those guys, a guy who wrote on Seinfeld. | ||
| It was fucking terrible. | ||
| He couldn't write anything funny. | ||
| It wound up being me writing the funny stuff and him writing it down. | ||
| It was a terrible relationship. | ||
| Kerry Hoffman did that to me, though, once. | ||
| He tried to change me. | ||
| He's like, I've got an idea. | ||
| You never see comedy duos anymore. | ||
| We get you and a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We get you and a girl, and you do, like, Stiller and Mira. | |
| It'll work. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh my god, what an idiot. | ||
| What is that guy still in the business? | ||
| I think actually he's doing really well because he's got Mike Royce and Tom Hurt who are really good writers and I think Tom might be on... | ||
| I always liked the guy and doing his club is always nice to me. | ||
| But when I heard that shit about him trying to get 15% from people... | ||
| He was kind of like a father to me. | ||
| He was really good and he actually did shit that was amazing. | ||
| Some of the shit he did was the best stuff a manager ever did for me. | ||
| When I went to Montreal to do New Faces, he sent a tape of me to every single person that wasn't going to Montreal. | ||
| And I bombed at Montreal. | ||
| Bombed. | ||
| And so I was fucked. | ||
| And then all the people that didn't go to Montreal saw a tape that was great. | ||
| And were like, he's awesome. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| This was 2000, I think. | ||
| So people were stopping and going to Montreal by then. | ||
| Montreal kind of died out around then. | ||
| My year of new faces was, listen to this, it was me, Tony Rock, I believe, was in it. | ||
| Dean Edwards, who got Saturday Night Live that year. | ||
| Dimitri Martin. | ||
| Mike Birbiglia. | ||
| Russ Meneve. | ||
| Like, everybody got something big out of it. | ||
| So it was like the last year, then? | ||
| It was the last year, because Chicken was the year before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew! | |
| Yeah, that was what I was going to bring up when we were talking about this. | ||
| I think we brought up chicken on the podcast before, didn't we? | ||
| Well, chicken, God rest his soul, is the most amazing phenomenon. | ||
| And this is the proof that agents and managers have no fucking idea. | ||
| They just don't get it. | ||
| They don't know what's funny and what's not funny. | ||
| Some of them don't, I should say. | ||
| This guy, he was this young kid who was just real boyishly handsome, and he had this really wacky act. | ||
| There was a screw loose in him, and he had this really completely over-the-top act that just would baffle comedians. | ||
| They would go, this is not funny at all. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Oh, dude, it was all stunts and props. | ||
| I'll give you one. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| I auditioned for SNL with him. | ||
| He went on stage and said, so-and-so, when they hit a home run, did you ever see him? | ||
| They just jog around the bases. | ||
| He's like, they just casually jog around if they hit a home run. | ||
| He's like, that was me? | ||
| If I hit a home run, he'd be like, woo! | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| And he'd like do like flips on stage and run around the audience and like throw his arms in the air and be like, I'd be flinging shit in the air out of my head. | ||
| But people would almost like, you know, if you just see a crazy man jumping up and down in a nightclub, you're like, oh, that dude's pretty crazy. | ||
| That's what he was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's awesome. | |
| Yeah, he wasn't that talented. | ||
| He tried really hard. | ||
| Anyway, he wound up getting this giant development deal and just being a complete, total bust. | ||
| Like, they couldn't do anything with him. | ||
| He was just not talented. | ||
| It was just awful. | ||
| And so he went into this sort of dark depression, and then comics hated him. | ||
| Like, he was a punchline for comedians. | ||
| A bunch of them would just shit all over him. | ||
| You know how comics are. | ||
| If one guy's doing better than you and you think he's not as good as you, it's just fucking venomous hate. | ||
| So this kid wound up killing himself in front of a school. | ||
| He hung himself on a tree in front of a school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Did he do that? | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I didn't know that part of it. | ||
| I heard the story when he was at Montreal, though. | ||
| There was so much hype on him going into Montreal that... | ||
| Like, that they were bidding on him before he even went on stage. | ||
| And I think he did. | ||
| As he was going on stage, someone said to his manager, like, one of the networks goes, like, we'll give you a million dollars if he doesn't step on that stage. | ||
| Because they knew his price would even go up once he went on stage. | ||
| A million dollars? | ||
| Well, his development deal was a half a million. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's what he got. | ||
| So they said, like, we'll give you half a million for him not to go on stage. | ||
| Because they didn't want the bidding to even go up further. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that's a lot of hype. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think that really happened. | ||
| Nobody does that. | ||
| But there was a lot of people that were into this kid. | ||
| And comics, we'd be standing in the back of the room watching this kid flail around on stage. | ||
| Literally flail. | ||
| Like he was on fire. | ||
| And go, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| Is there clips of him online, you think? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Michael Ruth was his name, I think. | ||
| I met him the night we did SNL. We were auditioning at Caroline's, and we're all in the green room. | ||
| And he comes into the green room, and all the comics kind of know each other. | ||
| And then he shows up in the green room. | ||
| And he's got this energy, you know those energy like vampires that just suck all the energy away from everyone else? | ||
| He starts bouncing around the room going... | ||
| This is fucking crazy. | ||
| I don't know what I'm fucking doing here. | ||
| This is like SNL's here. | ||
| And I'm fucking like... | ||
| I'm not even a comedian. | ||
| I don't know what you... | ||
| Like, this is crazy. | ||
| You guys like do your shit. | ||
| And I just get up on stage and I'm like wacky and fucking crazy. | ||
| And everyone was just kind of... | ||
| You know, comics were all looking at each other like... | ||
| Dude, you're... | ||
| It was almost like he was psyching us out too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because we're all trying to, you know, this is a big deal for us. | ||
| We're all trying to get on this. | ||
| He's bringing you into his head. | ||
| Yeah, and I thought that's what he was doing. | ||
| And I'm like, you're fucking with me right now, and I'm about to punch you in the face. | ||
| So you thought he was doing it on purpose. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm like, I'm not going to put up with you. | ||
| Does someone really do that? | ||
| I think there are guys that kind of do that. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How would that work, though? | ||
| That's a weird strategy to go out and... | ||
| Did you get anything out of him? | ||
| I found some videos if you want to listen to one. | ||
| Yeah, let's listen to one. | ||
| I don't like comics that go... | ||
| Yeah, that's him, man. | ||
| You go house the room. | ||
| Does it say anything about him? | ||
| How he's dead? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did it say how he killed himself? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You guys got a lot of white suburban gangster kids here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I ain't got a voice. | |
| You guys got a lot of white suburban gangster kids here. | ||
| Know what I mean by white suburban gangster kids? | ||
| 17-year-old Caucasian boys that look like me. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Except they're black and raised in the hood. | ||
| They're all walking around the mall here. | ||
| They got their pants hanging off their ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Got their hat on. | |
| Oh shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up, motherfucker? | |
| Oh shit! | ||
| Oh shit! | ||
| He pulled his pants down. | ||
| It looked like a thong he had on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What up, dog? | |
| We're like three pages of cell phones, big-ass fax machine. | ||
| Got our 45 pounds of gold, got our seven gold chain, three gold ring, two gold teeth, and the whole fucking time his name's Bradley. | ||
| Same kid that pulls up next to you downtown, playing that rap music loud and sounding like the tough-ass shit! | ||
| Driving his mama's minivan. | ||
| No, same kid that walks in the dance clubs, doing all those booty dances. | ||
| You know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm like, "Fuck you, dude, you can't do it!" Fuck that, give me my booty shit! | |
| You fucked up and you're walking, I'm on YouTube! | ||
| He fucked up and you didn't know what I'm doing, I don't want to do it! | ||
| He pulled his pants down again. | ||
| I'm like, "What are you guys doing, bro?" I'm like, "What are you guys doing?" His name is Michael Roof, R-O-O-F. So, anyway, that's enough of that. | ||
| Anyway, that's not terrible. | ||
| I mean, it's not the worst comedy I've ever heard. | ||
| What's funny, when he was pulling down his pants the first time, he had taken his underwear and gave himself a wedgie so it looked like he had a thong on. | ||
| So it was like a little extra touch that he did there. | ||
| He jazzed up the bit. | ||
| I like the tagline, the new butt crack tagline he added. | ||
| You know, whatever, man. | ||
| Nothing wrong with that. | ||
| I mean, it's not my style. | ||
| I'm not into it. | ||
| He did some big movies. | ||
| He was in Black Hawk Down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he had that big development deal and then nothing happened for it. | ||
| And then I remember so many people were so fucking happy when nothing happened to it. | ||
| And that's when it got really ugly for him. | ||
| Comics were happy that he was failing. | ||
| There was a lot of negative energy towards this kid. | ||
| But they used him as an example. | ||
| They said he killed the development team. | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| He did kill it. | ||
| They gave him a ton of money and that was it. | ||
| What really killed it was their lack of real talent and ability to recognize talent. | ||
| These comics or these agents and managers, they're really just taking guesses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, and that's what killed it. | ||
| What killed it was all these big people that spent a lot of money, the people that were the head of studios, the people that, you know, they had a budget, and then they're like, why did we spend half a million dollars on this fucking thing? | ||
| Like, what is this? | ||
| There's a lot of that going on, man. | ||
| You know, like this, the Friends guy. | ||
| If they sat that guy down and said, just write us a couple of scripts real quick. | ||
| You know, let's look at your scripts. | ||
| Let's look at your scripts. | ||
| They read their scripts and then, like... | ||
| Dude, they didn't read anything from this guy before he got this deal. | ||
| I know they didn't. | ||
| I know the whole story behind it. | ||
| Everybody was so high on him. | ||
| They just wanted to throw this guy money. | ||
| I've looked at a bunch of scripts lately, and I'm like, really? | ||
| Death, right? | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I've read a couple of them, and I sigh, and I look down at it, and I go, no, I'm not even going in. | ||
| I can't go in. | ||
| I can't do this. | ||
| Yeah, it would be nice to do a sitcom again. | ||
| I love doing news radio. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| But good luck trying to find another one of those. | ||
| By the way, Dave Fowle is going to do the podcast. | ||
| Got in touch with Dave Foley. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| Yeah, very excited. | ||
| But, you know, it's like getting a hold of one of those sitcoms is like a fucking one in a million. | ||
| And so if you don't do that, what are you dealing with? | ||
| Well, you're dealing with a bunch of producers that don't really know how to do comedy. | ||
| You're dealing with a bunch of writers. | ||
| Most of them are not going to be talented because if they were talented, they'd be working for Modern Family or some of those big shows. | ||
| There's not that many really good ones that are out there free. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's like your odds of finding a good one are like 1 in 10. Maybe 1 in 20. Yeah, Paul Provenza and I started writing a movie together on this idea that I had. | ||
| And I met Paul in Edinburgh. | ||
| I was doing the Edinburgh Festival and I kind of did the thing as a bit. | ||
| And he's like, what? | ||
| And I said, oh yeah, I've tried to write a movie about that. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| Yeah, you should write that fucking movie. | ||
| This is the bit that you said is the same as my bit, the one that I talked about on the show. | ||
| Yeah, very similar. | ||
| I had a bit that I used to do. | ||
| I did it back in the 90s. | ||
| I just talked about it on the show the other day because we were both on the Green Room show together. | ||
| And we were talking about being booed off stage and when people want you to change the subject you're talking about and how people get upset at you. | ||
| And I said that I used to do this joke about cloning Jesus. | ||
| Because there was a thing called the Second Coming Project, and the Second Coming Project was like... | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| That's what we named the script was the Second Coming, because it's all about the guy jerking off, was the opening scene. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There was a real thing that was in the news about this many, many years ago. | ||
| Anyway, the idea was they were going to take DNA from the Shroud of Turin, and they were going to recreate Jesus. | ||
| They were going to like... | ||
| Clone Jesus. | ||
| And this is a real thing. | ||
| Sort of, I'm not sure. | ||
| It might have been a parody. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of those that sneak through. | ||
| By the way, Rachel Maddow got busted on a parody the other day. | ||
| She was reading a parody, this Christian, it's a fake website, and she was reading it as if it was news that Palin supporters really believe that We have to inject Christianity into North Africa. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| So my bit was, Dolly the Sheep, when they cloned Dolly the Sheep, that shit didn't come out perfect. | ||
| Cloning is not an exact science. | ||
| What do they do with the first Jesus if they clone him and he comes out retarded? | ||
| Do you kill him and start from scratch? | ||
| So there's this whole bit about it. | ||
| When I did it at the comedy store, someone was yelling out, next subject! | ||
| Fat white woman with fat blonde hair and fat blonde fingers. | ||
| Just that, you know, I'm a Christian! | ||
| Next subject! | ||
| Like, she was so firm in her wonky beliefs that she wanted to stop me. | ||
| It's a theoretical idea. | ||
| I mean, it's not a real Jesus we're talking about. | ||
| And it's a real legit question. | ||
| If they really do clone Jesus, that's a goddamn legit question. | ||
| Like, what if they found Jesus' bones and there was some DNA inside of it? | ||
| And they could extract it. | ||
| They knew for sure it was Jesus. | ||
| They knew it was his DNA. Well, that's a real legit question. | ||
| What if he does come back retarded? | ||
| He could come back all fucked up. | ||
| He could be autistic and psychopathic. | ||
| He could be black as fuck. | ||
| That's probably what it is. | ||
| What if he was? | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| Jesus was black? | ||
| Yeah, because you can't start off white and then go... | ||
| Well, there's a lot of evidence that Jesus wasn't even real. | ||
| There's a lot of evidence that there was no Jesus. | ||
| Based on mythology. | ||
| Yeah, and that this same mythology repeats itself over and over and over again. | ||
| So Jesus, even as a historical figure, is in question. | ||
| There's volumes of pages written about certain Caesars and certain rulers of... | ||
| Of Greece and Rome. | ||
| So the stuff that's on Jesus' soul, it's really hard to tell whether it's real. | ||
| Well, and also all those biblical fucking, you know, like everything from all the Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. | ||
| There was the book of Q. Do you know about that? | ||
| There was a fifth book of the Gospels, apparently, that Luke based his book on. | ||
| I'm not completely accurate in all this stuff, but if you start reading about it, you'll find out. | ||
| That, like, all four of them didn't live at the same time. | ||
| So some of them based their account on the other ones because they'll say it's, like, identical of the other one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So it's like they just basically... | ||
| Heard a story. | ||
| Yeah, and just rewrote it, which could have happened from the beginning. | ||
| And then there was also, like, the Council of Nicaea where these guys went in and decided... | ||
| The bishops all went, okay, well, we've got all these books. | ||
| We're going to throw out these ones. | ||
| We don't like these. | ||
| We're going to keep... | ||
| They just rewrote history the way they wanted it. | ||
| So, I mean, it's, like, shit like that. | ||
| Well, if you find out about the New Testament, that's where things get really weird, because Constantine and a bunch of bishops created the New Testament. | ||
| Yeah, that's the account of Nicaea. | ||
| You know, we're talking about something that was way after Jesus' death, you know, if Jesus was a real figure. | ||
| The whole thing is fucking squirrely. | ||
| You know, the historical account, just me not even saying the religious account, the historical account is very squirrely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You were saying something about Dolly being retarded. | ||
| I've often wondered, like, you know, when a dog bites someone and everybody's like, oh, he's a bad dog or whatever. | ||
| I'm like, you see people all the time, like people with Down Syndrome. | ||
| Are there, like, Down Syndrome dogs? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Mine's Down Syndrome. | ||
| Mine's fucking... | ||
| Are your dogs retarded? | ||
| Yeah, it's totally retarded. | ||
| Are your dogs just really, really overbred? | ||
| You know, you have a... | ||
| You have one of those little dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's it called again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pekingese. | ||
| Yeah, those dogs, man. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| That came from a wolf. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no way you get a good example if that is what you get from a wolf. | ||
| I think my dog might be part wolf. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's an Aussie cattle dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I grew up with Jack Russell Terriers. | ||
| You ever see those little fucking assholes? | ||
| But they're really aggressive because they used to kill rats. | ||
| They're fucking so aggressive. | ||
| Send them after rats. | ||
| We lived out in the woods and these things would do it. | ||
| One of them went down a... | ||
| I couldn't find him one night. | ||
| I find him down a sewer under the road. | ||
| And there's a... | ||
| I'm looking down the sewer grate. | ||
| I see him. | ||
| And there's a pipe way down underneath that runs out to a creek. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck. | ||
| He ran up the pipe and he's under the sewer. | ||
| There's no way for me to get him. | ||
| I look down. | ||
| He's got a raccoon cornered. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| This raccoon's just gonna... | ||
| And I'm just going, come on. | ||
| Like trying to coach him out the hole. | ||
| And I'm screaming, screaming. | ||
| And all of a sudden... | ||
| I hear, and it goes, and I'm like, fuck, my dog's dead. | ||
| My dog's dead, and I'm shining a flashlight, and I don't see anything. | ||
| Next thing I know, my Jack Russell drags the raccoon out of the pipe. | ||
| My Jack Russell killed a raccoon. | ||
| Now, cut to about a year ago, my dog's leashless all the time. | ||
| People, you can call me an asshole, but I don't believe in putting a dog on a fucking leash, and my dog's well-behaved, and She's amazing. | ||
| It's not an asshole if the dog's well-behaved. | ||
| As long as you really know the dog and it's well-behaved, it's when people walk around with pit bulls without leashes. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| Yeah, my dog's amazing. | ||
| By the way, I used to do that. | ||
| Like a retard. | ||
| I found out it's silly. | ||
| When I get close to home, I'll go, go, go home. | ||
| And she'll run like 200 meters up the road. | ||
| So one night I see this cat, and she never would hurt a cat, but she'll play with them. | ||
| So I go, go, go, there's a cat. | ||
| You told her to chase the cat? | ||
| Yeah, but she just plays with the cats. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| And so she goes running up the road and all of a sudden I hear her go, and I'm like, oh fuck, she's now fighting with a cat and she's never fought before. | ||
| And I come around the corner, it's not a cat, it's a fucking raccoon. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck, and the raccoon takes off. | ||
| So you told her to chase after a raccoon thinking it was a cat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did you mistake the... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| It was so far away. | ||
| It was like 200 yards away. | ||
| So... | ||
| I wake up the next day, and my dog's sitting there, and her eyes are crusted shut. | ||
| And I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| So I take her to the vet, and the raccoon scratched both her corneas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| And he said, the vet said, these things will rip your dog apart. | ||
| Shut your phone off, dude. | ||
| It's the second time I do this. | ||
| They will. | ||
| Fucking junkie. | ||
| Instead of texting and tweeting while he's trying to have some convoluted conversation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They said they'll rip your dog apart. | ||
| And I said, well, what about the rabies? | ||
| And he said, rabies aren't bad in California. | ||
| But the raccoons are fucking evil. | ||
| That's fucking scary, man. | ||
| When I lived in New Rochelle, New York, I had a big one in my neighborhood that used to fuck up trash cans. | ||
| He was gigantic. | ||
| I mean, it was like a dog. | ||
| I couldn't believe how big he was. | ||
| And I got a blowgun just so I could try to kill him. | ||
| I was terrified. | ||
| I opened the door. | ||
| I had a small little yard, and I would open the door, and he would literally be fucking 10 feet from me, and I'd panic and slam the door. | ||
| I'm like, get out of here, bitch! | ||
| My old dog, Cabo, I always let him out the backyard just to go to the bathroom, and I'd let him out, and instead I hear him going... | ||
| I'm like, oh, what's going on? | ||
| So I go outside, and there's two skunks cornered in my little backyard, and the dog's about to attack him. | ||
| And I'm just thinking, I don't want to get sprayed. | ||
| I don't want the dog to get sprayed. | ||
| It takes forever to clean the shit off of him. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| My dog got sprayed when I was a little kid. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| It takes forever. | ||
| You use tomato juice. | ||
| Apparently there's an enzyme in tomatoes that helps break it down, but not much. | ||
| It doesn't work that good. | ||
| You've got to keep doing it over and over and over again. | ||
| That dog stunk for weeks. | ||
| Have you ever heard the Billy Burr bit about raccoons? | ||
| What is the bit? | ||
| The raccoon and the little hand stealing the cat, the YouTube video. | ||
| It's the hardest I've ever laughed at a joke in my life. | ||
| I don't think I messed up. | ||
| I saw him at the improv one night. | ||
| It was recently, so it's probably like in his new set. | ||
| But it's Billy showing, you know, angry Billy gets. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| He's so angry watching this YouTube video where a raccoon keeps stealing, like, cat food. | ||
| Like, he comes over and keeps stealing the food from the cat or from the dog or something. | ||
| And he keeps going, those little fucking raccoon hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he just... | |
| And tears were coming out of my eyes. | ||
| I was laughing. | ||
| I've never laughed that hard at a comic's bit. | ||
| I'll check it out. | ||
| Because he's so angry about the little hands. | ||
| And he's like in the fucking little mask on this rim. | ||
| It's pretty crazy that all dogs came from wolves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, when they figured out the genetic lineage of dogs, they expected to be a bunch of wild canids in there, a bunch of different kinds of canines. | ||
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wolves. | |
| All originally was a wolf. | ||
| Well, what about a dingo? | ||
| It's a different kind of dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's a canid, a wild dog. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You know, like there's specific ones. | ||
| But the dingo doesn't come from a wolf, does it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| It's an Australian. | ||
| Dingo's some baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do dingoes eat babies? | ||
| You're from Australia. | ||
| My dog looks like a dingo. | ||
| Do kangaroos kill people? | ||
| That was a recent thing of discussion. | ||
| One time I got out of a car and I thought it was a fucking, like we were driving through this like neighborhood. | ||
| I don't know why we're in this neighborhood. | ||
| A simple yes or no would precise. | ||
| I don't know, but I've heard stories that yes, they can. | ||
| Because when we went to the zoo in Australia, they told us the big ones. | ||
| There's big kangaroos. | ||
| I forget which kinds are the big ones. | ||
| What are they, the red ones or the gray ones? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The big ones kill people. | ||
| They have a bunch of times. | ||
| They said you have to be very careful if you approach them in the wild. | ||
| This thing I read the other day, it said like 100 people die a year from it. | ||
| And then this other website, there's been a few known attacks in the history of... | ||
| Yeah, there was one woman recently, her dogs were killed. | ||
| The most recent attack that I could find online. | ||
| This kangaroo drowned her dogs. | ||
| That's pretty fucking gangster. | ||
| Kangaroos drown your dog. | ||
| I saw the biggest fucking kangaroo. | ||
| And I thought it was a statue in these people's yard. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Who has this giant kangaroo statue? | ||
| I mean like 10 foot tall. | ||
| What? | ||
| They get to be like 7 feet tall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's your ceiling? | |
| Yeah, as tall as your ceiling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Come on. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| And I got out of the car. | ||
| Dude, this is like a 10-foot ceiling, right? | ||
| How many feet? | ||
| It's like 10 feet. | ||
| I was with two other comics. | ||
| And I see this thing over by these garbage cans. | ||
| I'm like, holy shit, look at this fucking thing. | ||
| And I start walking towards it. | ||
| And this comic named Pommy Johnson goes, get the fuck back in the car, mate. | ||
| Fucking get in the fucking car. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| And I'm walking towards it. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I see it move. | ||
| And he's like, it'll fucking disembow you, mate. | ||
| It'll fucking go... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And that's what they claim. | ||
| I think it's like an urban myth that they just fucking rip your stomach over. | ||
| No, no, it's not an urban myth. | ||
| People definitely have been attacked in that manner. | ||
| I thought they just got punched a lot. | ||
| The red kangaroo was the big one. | ||
| I'm just trying to find out how bad. | ||
| That would fucking freak me out if I saw a kangaroo that big. | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| I don't think they're that big, though. | ||
| I think you were freaking out. | ||
| If they were that big, I'd love to try to ride around in them. | ||
| Your ceiling, I didn't think it was 10. I thought it was about 7. I'd say 7 feet tall, this fucking thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's what they told us when we went to the zoo in Australia. | ||
| It was fucking terrifying. | ||
| Whoa, okay, here we go. | ||
| They can go to eight feet tall and weigh 200 pounds. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Have you ever seen those videos of the kangaroos? | ||
| Eight feet fucking tall? | ||
| Yeah, terrifying. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| I've seen herds of them. | ||
| That is amazing. | ||
| You ever see those videos of the kangaroos fighting on the golf courses in Australia? | ||
| Yeah, that's where you see them all the time, golf courses. | ||
| It's not the red kangaroo. | ||
| The gray kangaroo is the big one, right? | ||
| Isn't that the big one? | ||
| I don't know, did you ever see guys fight them? | ||
| The Eastern Grey. | ||
| Jesus Christ, no, the red kangaroo does grow to nine feet fucking tall. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| It doesn't weigh as much as the grey, but the red grows to nine fucking feet tall. | ||
| It was the scariest thing, because I got... | ||
| I got from here to the curtain. | ||
| I was 10 feet away from it. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| And I was walking to it because I swear to God it looked like a statue. | ||
| And all of a sudden it like moved its hand and I went, oh my God, that's fucking alive. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That is so big. | ||
| Yeah, and this comic was just starting yelling out, get the fuck in the car! | ||
| Whoa, man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, that's a scary thing. | ||
| And apparently, well, people are cunty to them, I'm sure. | ||
| That's probably why they're so aggressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, people hate them. | |
| They think they're rodents. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they kind of are. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, they... | ||
| Right? | ||
| I think they're kind of cool. | ||
| I think they're kind of cool, though. | ||
| Squirrels must feel so fortunate that they're not rats. | ||
| All they need is just that fluffy tail and everything's groovy and no plague. | ||
| You know, just eat nuts. | ||
| You don't have to eat garbage. | ||
| Okay, cool, cool. | ||
| Have you seen the viral video yet of the rat that goes up the guy's face? | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh yes, on the subway? | ||
| I haven't seen it yet. | ||
| Everybody's been telling me about it. | ||
| Dude, New York City rats are fucking terrifying. | ||
| I remember when I lived in New York, I think I've told this story, but I'll tell it again for this. | ||
| I was at a gas station once, and I went to use a payphone. | ||
| This is how old the story is. | ||
| I didn't have a cell phone. | ||
| So I step away from my car while my car is pumping gas, and I go to the payphone, and I'm on the payphone. | ||
| And while I'm on the payphone, I'm watching rats, big ones like cats, jump in the wheelhousing of my car, climb on the tires, climb down. | ||
| In your car? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I'm fucking 15 feet away. | ||
| I stepped over to use the payphone. | ||
| And as I'm standing on the phone, I'm watching these rats, and they keep going down this opening in the manhole. | ||
| There must have been thousands of them down there. | ||
| The way they were coming up so quickly and in such rapid succession, one after the other, one after the other, and then down one after the other one. | ||
| I'm like, there's just a train of them down there. | ||
| I would have called 911 and reported my car stolen. | ||
| It's so scary, dude. | ||
| There's more rats than people in New York City. | ||
| I think it's four rats for every person. | ||
| I was walking down McDougal Street one time home from the cellar one night, and I'm just walking through it, and people put their garbage out in the street for the garbage man to pick them up. | ||
| I'm going between garbage and a building and all of a sudden a rat just runs out from the garbage and uses my foot as like a hurdle. | ||
| Its little feet touched my foot. | ||
| And it was the most I've ever been like a woman in my life. | ||
| I started like jumping up and down, like screaming. | ||
| Because it's like that fucking adrenaline rush. | ||
| And you can't fight. | ||
| You can't run. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're just like, ah, what the fuck? | |
| Imagine if a rat was as big as you. | ||
| We're such pussies. | ||
| We're such pussies compared to animals. | ||
| We're so soft and mushy and fleshy. | ||
| I think it's the filth, though, of the rats. | ||
| That's just the filth. | ||
| They're furious. | ||
| Those are wild motherfuckers. | ||
| That doesn't scare me as much as the filth of them. | ||
| You feel like they carry hepatitis and fucking AIDS and everything. | ||
| I mean, the Black Plague, isn't that connected to rats? | ||
| Isn't that all about rats? | ||
| A bunch of plagues have been about rats. | ||
| They're horrible carriers of diseases. | ||
| Jim Norton and Rich Voss used to go to this one park in New York and sit there and watch the rats and they said you'd see thousands of these rats. | ||
| Dude, there's so many of them in Manhattan. | ||
| Manhattan is so crazy with rats. | ||
| I was at a pool hall once in New Jersey, and this was the scariest rat I ever saw. | ||
| It was with my friend John. | ||
| We were doing a gig, and we stopped home from the gig to play some pool. | ||
| We stopped at this pool. | ||
| I get out of the car, and as I'm walking towards the door, there's a dumpster outside, and as I pass by the dumpster, there's the biggest rat I've ever seen. | ||
| Ever seen in my life. | ||
| I mean, it is like a raccoon. | ||
| It was gigantic. | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| It was two and a half, maybe three feet long in the body. | ||
| It was enormous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it had these huge, fucking nasty yellow teeth. | |
| And I don't know if it was sick or if it was dying. | ||
| I mean, it may have been old age because it was so big. | ||
| It might have been the end of the line for this fucking thing. | ||
| But it was up on its back legs and it was going like this to me. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| And I was thinking, do I kick this thing? | ||
| Do I get a rock? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I was just such a little girly man. | ||
| I'll never forget the noise. | ||
| Well, you gotta think, with all the poison they lay down, like you'll see the signs in the subway saying, you know, careful, there's poison everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They've got to be adapting and mutating and we're making some fucking scary rat that is just... | ||
| Of course, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, that's what happens with bacteria, right? | ||
| That's what... | ||
| And MRSA, it's, you know, that staph infection that people get that's antibiotic resistant. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's from fucking... | ||
| Is that like the superbug? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the MRSA is the super staph. | ||
| It's that... | ||
| I don't know what it actually stands for, but it's something resistant staph. | ||
| So it's antibiotic resistant. | ||
| So when people get it, it's like really, really dangerous. | ||
| And it's really just created by human beings, by us fighting off different versions until the only ones who survive were super fucking strong. | ||
| That's why I just read the other day that 80% of all the antibiotics in America are given to animals. | ||
| Like, they pump them so full of antibiotics. | ||
| And the same bacteria that we've used antibiotics to fight off, so do animals. | ||
| So all the antibiotics they're taking is causing the bacteria to butate, which is making us immune to these antibiotics, too. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Because I was on a... | ||
| I did a thing about... | ||
| I talked about Food, Inc. | ||
| You know, because I saw Food, Inc. | ||
| And I got contacted... | ||
| And this is one of the coolest fucking things about this podcast. | ||
| I got contacted by a bunch of scientists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Food scientists, you know, people who are, you know, involved in, you know, these farms and one guy who worked for a poultry company and he was talking to me about it. | ||
| Let me find it here. | ||
| That shows the difference between your listeners and ours. | ||
| You have all these like intelligent people that are really interested. | ||
| We get guys who are like, you guys are fat cunts. | ||
| Well, I get those, too. | ||
| Watch Corn, too, by the way, if you ever get the chance to watch a documentary, Corn. | ||
| Is that about Monsanto? | ||
| That's where they even go into more detail about having holes on the side of the cows. | ||
| It's so creepy in Food Inc. | ||
| There's a hole on the side of the cow. | ||
| Well, it's according to this guy. | ||
| First of all, one he wanted, and his name is Jacob Kim, so thank you, Jacob. | ||
| And one of the things that he explained to me is that chickens are not on steroids. | ||
| And what it is is just genetic selection. | ||
| And they've naturally selected birds with bigger and bigger breasts to the point where they're freaks. | ||
| So they wouldn't have survived if they were a real animal, but, you know, because we grow them just for their tits. | ||
| And he also said that what they're supposed to do is they're supposed to cycle the antibiotics. | ||
| So when a bird is sick, they have a cycle. | ||
| There's 49 days, he says, to grow a bird. | ||
| So in business terms, the farmer sees profits go down as the flock stays longer than that. | ||
| So in the instance that a 30-day-old flock gets sick, well, they're supposed to wait 21 days before they kill them. | ||
| So when they get sick, they're going to lose like 10 or 11 days of profit. | ||
| So if they do something like that and lose these days of profit, you know, it's like a problem with them. | ||
| So some unscrupulous companies don't follow that. | ||
| And then they send out the bird, you know, like 15 days later and the bird's still pumped up with antibiotics and has a process to their system. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I fucking had one thing that I didn't do right. | ||
| Let me shut it off. | ||
| Thanks AT&T, you fucking cunts. | ||
| My new phone number, you fuckheads, for giving out it all to 1-800-FAGGOTS. Oops, I said it. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Ah, you're unretired. | ||
| You gotta stay away from that word. | ||
| Yeah, he retired it, but it's been feeding. | ||
| It's been growing in him lately. | ||
| Yeah, I find it a funny word. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I mean, I'm never going to retire a word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I always said, like, when they tried to retire the N-word, I go, what are they going to do? | ||
| Put it on a banner and raise it into the rafters at, like, the Apollo Theater? | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, a number? | |
| Like, it's retired. | ||
| I apologize for saying that word. | ||
| If some gay guy gets mad at me, and I'll just... | ||
| Flirt with him. | ||
| Until he calms down a little. | ||
| You just blow him until he goes to sleep. | ||
| Don't be mad. | ||
| Yeah, I do a bit right now where I say it. | ||
| I go, you know, like, the reason that, like, gay men are more sexually promiscuous than men and women is because they've got time and energy from not fighting all the time because a gay fight, you know, it's just like, hey, those shoes don't match your belt. | ||
| And he's like, really? | ||
| Let's fuck. | ||
| You know, like, that's... | ||
| Please, gay guys beat the shit out of each other, man. | ||
| And that's the other thing. | ||
| Gay guys can beat the shit out of each other and the cops show up. | ||
| They're like, what happened? | ||
| He punched me. | ||
| Well, hit him back, faggot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's funny. | ||
| So anyway, back to what the guy was explaining to me. | ||
| So no steroids for chickens. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| But it is true for cows. | ||
| So cows are jacked. | ||
| Cows are totally jacked up on hormones. | ||
| But no hormones at all or no steroids on chickens because I eat all grass-fed stuff. | ||
| I order all my meat from U.S. Wellness Meats. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Grass-fed beef tastes really good. | ||
| I had a strip last night and pork chops. | ||
| Grass-fed pork chops. | ||
| We need pop shields, by the way, because pork chops makes a big, terrible noise in people's ears. | ||
| I ordered those. | ||
| I eat the paleo diet. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I eat that diet and I'm into all the grass-fed shit. | ||
| And my chicken breasts that I get are grass-fed and they're fucking massive. | ||
| And I'm like, this is weird. | ||
| I heard the whole thing was when you buy organic and grass-fed that you're just not getting the... | ||
| They're fucking... | ||
| They're bigger. | ||
| How's that possible? | ||
| There's chemicals in the grass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How's that possible? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's going on in that grass? | ||
| Hey, so what did you think about that movie, Into the Void? | ||
| I saw it last night. | ||
| I shut it off after the car accident when the parents were killed in the car accident. | ||
| I'm like, first of all, you showed me a girl who's a prostitute and a stripper, and then you showed her happy family. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| That's more science fiction than the DMT shit, because that's just shitty writing to me. | ||
| You're showing me this girl who loves her brother and how much You love me. | ||
| I love you so much. | ||
| You're just jerking with my emotions, man. | ||
| This isn't good story writing. | ||
| This is nonsense. | ||
| What I liked about the movie was the first person perspective. | ||
| It was like I was in a video game. | ||
| That was cool as fuck. | ||
| The blinking of the eye. | ||
| You could actually see it where the character blinks. | ||
| They would have it randomly every five, ten seconds. | ||
| And then when he goes into the DMT trip, did you think that was pretty realistic? | ||
| No. | ||
| I thought that was so amazing. | ||
| It was interesting, but it wasn't realistic. | ||
| First of all, you couldn't explain what the DMT trip looks to a person. | ||
| You couldn't recreate it with CGI, because what it is isn't possible. | ||
| What you'll see, it doesn't make any sense what I'm saying, but when you have a DMT trip, you're not seeing anything that can be recreated. | ||
| It's impossible to recreate. | ||
| What I'm watching there was just some swirly cool shit and really interesting, but when you see a DMT trip, first of all, it's a million things at the same time. | ||
| It's a bunch of different things. | ||
| Depending on how you look at it, it's a different thing. | ||
| I really liked how there was so much detail, too, because I've noticed this on past hallucinant trips before, like, little things. | ||
| So, like, after he was tripping, like, he shut this door, and the door kind of had, like, a red pulse when he shut it and stuff like that. | ||
| Now, what did you think about even at the very beginning where you were hypnotized in a seizure where it's just flashing all those logos? | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| Like, that happens throughout the movie. | ||
| At some points, you're just like, all right, they're brainwashing me right now. | ||
| This is, like... | ||
| From the government or Google. | ||
| Hey, DMT. That kind of shit, though, I'm starting to wonder about that. | ||
| I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I am paranoid. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| I'm completely paranoid. | ||
| Or I can get there and I've got to close the neuropathways and just fucking try to bring myself back from it. | ||
| Because I can go totally into that where I'll start thinking like anything, like a fucking sitcom. | ||
| Well, you had a real freak out recently. | ||
| We talked about this on The Green Room where you got super paranoid from weed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I've had it happen. | ||
| It was the second time it happened. | ||
| The first time I ate a pot cookie in Australia. | ||
| The second time I just smoked. | ||
| But you said something really interesting to me. | ||
| You know, he said, I can't smoke pot. | ||
| I said, yes, you can. | ||
| He said, I have to go to therapy first. | ||
| Like, what do you have to go to therapy about? | ||
| Breathing exercises? | ||
| I don't fucking know, but it just put me into panic attacks. | ||
| And I thought it was just the weed. | ||
| The first time it happened... | ||
| Haven't we smoked weed before? | ||
| Didn't we smoke weed in Florida? | ||
| You know, it's another funny story. | ||
| You know, it's a funny story. | ||
| One time I was at a medicinal marijuana benefit that you were, like, playing... | ||
| You were doing a show at the Comedy Store for him. | ||
| Brian Callen and I came over. | ||
| And some girl was with you that was in charge of it or something. | ||
| And she goes, she had these muffins. | ||
| And I had no idea. | ||
| I didn't know that you were a big pothead. | ||
| I didn't know what it was. | ||
| And I was starving, and she goes, do you want a muffin? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, I'll have a muffin. | ||
| So I ate the muffin, and I'm like, these are really good. | ||
| And she's like, yeah. | ||
| And then Callan goes, what's the show? | ||
| And you go, oh, it's a benefit for medicinal marijuana. | ||
| And I go, I went, did I just fucking eat a pot? | ||
| Oh, dude, I remember this. | ||
| She goes, yeah. | ||
| And I went like this. | ||
| I go, I gotta go. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| I gotta get home right now. | ||
| And I drove home as fast as I could because I knew it would take, you know, like 20 minutes for it to kick in. | ||
| And I just didn't want to be out with it going on and just be... | ||
| And I was like, fuck, I gotta... | ||
| Because I had done... | ||
| I had eaten pot cookies before and I was like, I gotta get the fuck home. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
| So I drove home as fast as I could. | ||
| I get home and it kicks in and I just had the fucking greatest experience all alone. | ||
| And I'm having a wonderful night, and I called a girl, and they're like, can you go to 7-Eleven for me? | ||
| I need this, this, this, this. | ||
| And I just was laughing, and she's like, you're high. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But the first time I did it was in Australia, and I had such a great time. | ||
| I had to do a show three nights in a row. | ||
| By the third night, the same exact audience. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Every night. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| So by the third show, I'm out of shit. | ||
| I'm down to my worst stuff. | ||
| So right before I went on stage, I ate a pot cookie. | ||
| I'm thinking, I did like an hour and 45 minutes, and they're like, it was fucking brilliant! | ||
| And I'm like, what did I talk about? | ||
| They're like, you talked about the Mach 3 Razor for an hour! | ||
| And I'm like, really? | ||
| And they're like, we don't even have it here! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| Too bad you didn't record your set. | ||
| That would have been great. | ||
| I've had two freakouts. | ||
| One I went to the hospital. | ||
| Was it pop-related? | ||
| Pop-related. | ||
| And one's where the ambulance came to my house. | ||
| But now I don't get that anymore. | ||
| I don't get that anxiety or anything like that unless I eat it. | ||
| And then when I eat it, it's not good. | ||
| Well, also, I mean, it depends on what's going on in your life at the time. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Well, I should be getting paranoid. | ||
| I should be dead right now then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because I smoke pot every day and my life's crazy. | ||
| Your life's crazy? | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, just all this shit lately. | ||
| If that's what you're saying. | ||
| No, no, it's not. | ||
| I don't think your life's crazy, man. | ||
| I think your life is saner now than it was just a couple of years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you remember you? | ||
| Well, you know, I don't want to get into personal details, but you know what I'm talking about. | ||
| The problem is, all right, and here's the number one problem with eating it. | ||
| Nobody knows what the fuck it does to you. | ||
| Nobody tells you. | ||
| They just sell these things at the pot stores. | ||
| Oh, is that a pot brownie? | ||
| Oh, I'll try eating it. | ||
| Not knowing that it's way more powerful. | ||
| Way, way more powerful. | ||
| And it lasts forever. | ||
| I ate a pot brownie once and I swear to God it lasted 12 hours. | ||
| Yeah, this first one lasted about 12. Fucking amazing. | ||
| And they told me. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| I was having a great time. | ||
| I was in Adelaide, Australia. | ||
| I'd been drinking all day. | ||
| And then I ate half a cookie. | ||
| And they said, just eat half. | ||
| Nothing happened. | ||
| I go, I'm going to have the other half. | ||
| And they were like, all right. | ||
| I did the other half. | ||
| Having a great time. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I turned around. | ||
| I got up to go to the kitchen. | ||
| I turned around and looked at these girls. | ||
| And I go, make it stop. | ||
| Whatever we have to do to stop this. | ||
| To stop your trip? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, is there any way to abort right now? | ||
| And they're like, Alright, calm down. | ||
| And I'm like, no, no, no. | ||
| We need to fucking stop this. | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| Why are you being such a bitch? | ||
| I don't know, but what started happening, it was like... | ||
| Around a bunch of girls, man? | ||
| Why don't you pull it together? | ||
| Hey, remember when I tripped out at Fear Factor, I had to sit with all those girl interns in their car. | ||
| You kept it together, though. | ||
| You didn't yell at anybody to make it stop. | ||
| I thought my eyeballs were popping. | ||
| I jacked him when he first came here from Ohio. | ||
| He had nothing. | ||
| He had no resistance. | ||
| He was used to this Ohio weed, which might as well have been... | ||
| It's Mexican brick weed. | ||
| Might as well have been smoking talcum powder, which is nonsense. | ||
| That's a terrible example. | ||
| Gold bond. | ||
| And I gave him a pot lollipop. | ||
| These fucking Beyond Bomb before Beyond Bomb went to jail. | ||
| They were operating a multi-million dollar operation out of Oakland and the DEA raided them during the Bush administration. | ||
| And we had two. | ||
| We had one on the way there and then like a half hour later you're like, you feel anything? | ||
| I'm like, no, not really. | ||
| And then so we took another one because we I think you were new to the lollipops too at the time. | ||
| You didn't really know like the length of how long the wait and stuff. | ||
| This is giving me a panic attack right now. | ||
| I'm sitting and he drops me and goes, oh, hang out here in this trailer. | ||
| It was like the trailer with all the managers and directors and producers and stuff like that. | ||
| And I'm just sitting in the back not knowing anybody and it hits me. | ||
| We're all super friendly. | ||
| Oh, they're totally cool. | ||
| But I mean, my heart started pounding. | ||
| I started freaking out. | ||
| I go and sit on the curb and then in between breaks, you come out and you're like, how are you doing? | ||
| I'm like, dude, I'm so fucking stoned. | ||
| I'm having a panic attack. | ||
| And you're like, dude, I still have a mic on. | ||
| And so now everybody in the trailer now hears me. | ||
| And so then he like dropped me off in these interns' car and just sat there and talked about fucking sex in the studio or something. | ||
| I think I told you this. | ||
| I know these little dudes that I used to kind of... | ||
| It was a girl that was friends with her little brothers and they were big potheads in high school. | ||
| And we used to hang around when we were in college at their house and they'd always... | ||
| They were up to no... | ||
| Like they'd grow it in their backyard. | ||
| They tried everything. | ||
| So they were making pot cookies one night and they make them and they leave them out. | ||
| They're kind of a wealthy family. | ||
| They have like a maid and everything. | ||
| They leave the pot cookies out because the parents are always out of town. | ||
| The maid puts them in baggies and puts them in the cookie canister. | ||
| Dad comes home, grabs two cookies, two full cookies, and eats them, rushed to the hospital thinking he's having a heart attack. | ||
| And I say to the kid, like, they're telling me the story. | ||
| I'm like, so did you tell them? | ||
| They're like, fuck no! | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| So did he ever figure out that he was medicated? | ||
| I don't think he did. | ||
| He thought he had a panic attack? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, one kid went to jail because they dosed their teacher up in school. | ||
| They gave their teacher pot cookies. | ||
| I remember in high school, we used to always try to sneak in laxatives in our teacher's coffees and stuff. | ||
| And I look back and I'm like, that's fucking rude. | ||
| Because I mean, I remember getting like milk in Asia and just pouring like the It's a whole thing. | ||
| It's dangerous too. | ||
| It's evil. | ||
| I heard about a fraternity once, you know, all these dumb fraternity parties. | ||
| I forget where it was at this college, like George Mason. | ||
| When I was doing a show there, they go, oh yeah, we got this fraternity that at the end of Hell Week, they feed them spaghetti. | ||
| They give them this big spaghetti dinner that the little sisters make for them. | ||
| And then they feed them chocolate pudding, but it's full of ex-lax. | ||
| And then they make them climb a tree. | ||
| And they've got to spend the night in a tree like The top guy gets to go to the top of the tree and all the way down. | ||
| So if you're an asshole, you're down at the bottom. | ||
| So they're shitting on each other? | ||
| They're just all shitting on each other. | ||
| Fraternity things are so disgusting. | ||
| They're just preparing you for just to be fucked with and to be in some cunty group where you get to fuck with new people. | ||
| Just taking advantage of the people that have the least amount of power and the people that want the most from you. | ||
| The other good thing about fraternities was going to their parties and fucking their sorority girls. | ||
| I did stand-up at a fraternity once, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I know I was supposed to. | ||
| I did a lot of college gigs in weird spots, like cafeterias and shit and rec rooms. | ||
| I did one in a cafeteria where I had to stand on actual cafeteria tables. | ||
| I was like, that was the stage? | ||
| It was a table. | ||
| It stood on a cafeteria table. | ||
| But one fraternity stunt that I heard that was the craziest was they made this guy drink water and he died from water. | ||
| Oh yeah, you can't drink too much water. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| Hypnotremia or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's pretty much you're drowning yourself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not nuts though, but just drinking. | ||
| You piss out all your salt and then you dehy- What the fuck? | ||
| It almost happens with this new Starbucks size. | ||
| Jesus Christ, I've been drinking this iced tea forever and I'm still only like... | ||
| We are such gluttons. | ||
| Hold that up to the camera. | ||
| For folks that don't see it at home, this is the new Starbucks 32-ounce. | ||
| And this is just an iced coffee, or an iced tea, rather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, here's the old size, and here's the other size. | |
| And it's thicker, too, or bigger. | ||
| It's not only taller, but it's wider. | ||
| It's wider. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got that hypnosis. | ||
| 32 ounces, right? | ||
| In a marathon. | ||
| I ran a marathon. | ||
| You drank too much water? | ||
| I panicked. | ||
| Like, you just shouldn't change your fucking habits. | ||
| But everybody goes, oh, you know, make sure you hydrate. | ||
| Make sure you hydrate. | ||
| Make sure you hydrate. | ||
| So I drank like fucking like 10 bottles of water before the race. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And I knew I started pissing like so much. | ||
| That I went, fuck, I'm going to piss all my salt out. | ||
| I never thought about that ever a day in my life. | ||
| I went up to a coffee table, and I go to this woman, I go, do you have salt packets? | ||
| I need fucking salt. | ||
| I just wanted to down some salt. | ||
| And this big, fat, black woman goes, who put salt in their coffee? | ||
| And I'm like, just give me fucking salt! | ||
| And I knew it was going to fucking happen. | ||
| And sure enough, I hit like the 16-mile mark, and I hit a wall I'd never hit in my life because I was just nothing left in me. | ||
| I've never heard anybody doing that before. | ||
| I've never even thought about salt. | ||
| I know a woman died in, I think it was Sacramento, I want to say. | ||
| There was a radio stunt that they did where she had to drink a lot of water. | ||
| Yeah, that was like a year and a half ago, two years ago. | ||
| Yeah, and it was like we were on the Crosstown radio station. | ||
| We were on one of their competitor's stations and they were telling us a story of how fucked up it was. | ||
| That's some sad shit, man. | ||
| Death by water. | ||
| Some woman who was trying to win an Xbox for her kids or something crazy. | ||
| Wasn't it in San Francisco? | ||
| Something in Northern California. | ||
| Sacramento, I thought it was. | ||
| Might be San Jose. | ||
| But Northern California, whatever it is. | ||
| But it's just like... | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Drinking water? | ||
| We're so bitchy. | ||
| We're so fragile. | ||
| Is there a dog out there that could die because he drinks too much water? | ||
| No. | ||
| We suck. | ||
| We're such pussies. | ||
| Yeah, but that's an anomaly. | ||
| Then you see guys that I know, this fucking crazy dude that I know from New Jersey, who drank bleach, and he's alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He's the dumbest. | ||
| This guy went to Penn State, and my friends all know him, and they all talked about him. | ||
| I finally got to meet him, and he's just a fucking maniac. | ||
| He sells Mack trucks now. | ||
| I think that's what he does for a living. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And they knew him from this fraternity. | ||
| They're like, this dude fell off the roof four times. | ||
| Everybody knows a guy. | ||
| And I'm like, why would you keep climbing up there? | ||
| And they're like, they would put signs, don't let him on the roof. | ||
| He would still go up there and fall off. | ||
| So they tell me he chugged bleach or did a shot of it or something. | ||
| And I go, I don't believe it. | ||
| I don't believe it. | ||
| So I meet him one night or I see him and I go, hey, dude. | ||
| I go, hey, dude. | ||
| I think his name is Regan or something. | ||
| I go, is it true you drank bleach? | ||
| And he's like, yeah. | ||
| And I go, why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| And he goes, because it's said on the bottle, if you drink this, you will die. | ||
| Am I dead? | ||
| No. | ||
| And that was like his whole point. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I know homeless people used to drink rubbing alcohol when they couldn't get real alcohol or something like that. | ||
| Do you remember Michael Dukakis? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Michael Dukakis, when he ran for president, who's running for president, and his wife, Kitty Dukakis, was such an alcoholic that she began drinking shaving cream and shit like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was drinking, like, nutty shit, and she got rushed to the hospital. | ||
| I believe it was shaving cream. | ||
| Something, you know, aftershave, something nutty. | ||
| Do you work at the stress factory in New Jersey? | ||
| I have. | ||
| Vinny Brand told me a story. | ||
| I forget the comic. | ||
| I think he was one of those famous prop comics. | ||
| But in his day, was a really bad alcoholic. | ||
| And I could be wrong with who the comic is. | ||
| Lenny Schultz? | ||
| Crazy Lenny? | ||
| I don't think it was Lenny. | ||
| Because I think the guy's... | ||
| Lenny's not dead, is he? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Whoever it is, I think is dead now. | ||
| Lenny was really old back in the day. | ||
| He went in Vinny's office and drank cologne. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He came out and Vinny smelled his breath and was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Like he was that much of an alcoholic. | ||
| Chicks, have you ever heard of when girls fall asleep with hair dryers in their beds? | ||
| That's like an actual, you know, a lot of girls do that to keep warm or something like that or the sound of it. | ||
| Have you ever heard of that before? | ||
| Just full blast hair dryer. | ||
| In their bed. | ||
| In their bed. | ||
| It's actually a condition. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| People are so nuts, man. | ||
| This Kitty Dukakis thing, it was rubbing alcohol. | ||
| That's what she drank. | ||
| I thought you died. | ||
| I guess she was rushed to the hospital. | ||
| I mean, I guess you can die. | ||
| But how crazy is that? | ||
| This guy was running for president. | ||
| It just goes to show you how much your world is falling apart when you're running for president. | ||
| I mean, how much effort do you have to put into it? | ||
| It's the reason why these guys go gray like a year after they get into office. | ||
| The amount of stress and the... | ||
| I mean, he wasn't paying attention to his wife at all. | ||
| Don't you think you'd know if your wife was ready to drink rubbing alcohol? | ||
| Like, baby, how you feeling? | ||
| I'm thinking about drinking some fucking cologne. | ||
| What? | ||
| Let's talk. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Listen, I can't talk. | ||
| I've got to run for president. | ||
| But don't drink cologne. | ||
| I'll be back in 20 days. | ||
| Baby, I'm talking about drinking some rum clone. | ||
| Don't drink my perfume. | ||
| Apparently, she was taking antidepressants or something, too. | ||
| She'd been taking an antidepressant prescription. | ||
| This is like antidepressants back in the fucking 80s. | ||
| What were they? | ||
| I'm amazed. | ||
| Ground-up leeches? | ||
| Would they serve you in 1989 for antidepressants? | ||
| Cocaine. | ||
| Coca-Cola. | ||
| What kind of antidepressants do they have? | ||
| They didn't have the good shit. | ||
| Just drink a Coke. | ||
| Thorazine. | ||
| Isn't that schizophrenia or something? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Prozac, right? | ||
| Wasn't Prozac one of the early ones? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Dude, I know so many fucking parents that dope up their kids. | ||
| I know two parents where their kids are just wild, they're crazy, and the parents don't pay much attention to the kids. | ||
| So the kids are on drugs. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| They put the kids on some medication. | ||
| People do that with dogs. | ||
| People give dogs antidepressants and fucking anxiety drugs. | ||
| My old neighbor, she used to live down the street from me, and I didn't know her that much, but you just say, hi, how you doing? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| And her kid was always running around and playing fucking dragons and swords, like kids do. | ||
| You know, I gotta get him on something. | ||
| There's something wrong with him. | ||
| I'm like, there's nothing wrong with your kid. | ||
| It's a kid. | ||
| When kids are fucking four and you work all day and you come home, they're wired to the gills, okay? | ||
| No one's watching what they're eating. | ||
| They're eating candy all day. | ||
| And they want to go crazy and go nutty. | ||
| You're just old. | ||
| You forgot what it's like to be a five-year-old. | ||
| This is how five-year-olds are. | ||
| They're fucking crazy. | ||
| Five-year-old boys are crazy. | ||
| And she had them doped up. | ||
| And then this other lady I know, same fucking thing. | ||
| Her kid was wild. | ||
| He was running around, crashing cars into everything. | ||
| She's like, there's something wrong with him. | ||
| I gotta take him to the doctor. | ||
| I'm like, there's nothing wrong with your fucking Yeah, he's a fucking kid. | ||
| So she's got him doped up too. | ||
| It's amazing that that's even an option. | ||
| Jim Jeffries said his mom used to wake him up every morning with a glass of orange juice and Ritalin. | ||
| And she would just open up. | ||
| He said he didn't even know what it was. | ||
| She'd just be like, open up and just pop him in his mouth and make him drink it down. | ||
| Well, you know, when you develop a kid incorrectly... | ||
| I mean, some people are just mentally imbalanced. | ||
| That is a fact. | ||
| Some people, their hormone levels or their chemical levels of their brain are just fucked up. | ||
| And they do need some help. | ||
| But there's other people that just were... | ||
| Somebody raised them shitty. | ||
| Just did a terrible job. | ||
| Barely fucking paid attention to them. | ||
| And the kid developed all this nutty behavior. | ||
| And getting it out of someone? | ||
| It's way harder to get something out of someone once it's in there. | ||
| Once they've already developed some wacky patterns of behavior and they have certain associations... | ||
| Very difficult to get that to change. | ||
| But if you could just, you know, it's way easier to raise them correctly from the beginning. | ||
| To try to turn someone around once they're fucked up. | ||
| It's like how many people that you know that are a mess that have fucked up lives ever pull it together? | ||
| Ever. | ||
| You know, ever. | ||
| So few. | ||
| So few people ever quit anything. | ||
| I know a chick who used to prostitute herself. | ||
| And she was like the nicest girl in the world. | ||
| I knew two girls that kind of like went to prostitution. | ||
| And you wouldn't think... | ||
| Either of these girls, but she was doing like Craigslist hooking and shit. | ||
| And she, you know, it had like the molestation thing and all that fucked up stuff. | ||
| And she went to therapy and I said, why don't you tell, you know, what's your therapist say about it? | ||
| And she's like, I don't tell him. | ||
| I'm like, well... | ||
| You need to tell your therapist that you were molested and all this stuff and work on that shit. | ||
| And she did eventually and she's like married and I think she's a kid and her life is good. | ||
| She really is a product of like it actually cleaned up that problem. | ||
| People can do it, man. | ||
| You can change. | ||
| It's just you gotta be fucking goddamn committed to staying on that track. | ||
| You almost have to become addicted to changing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you have to like get and it has to get ingrained in you so deeply after so long a time. | ||
| That it actually becomes your new way of thinking and your new behavior. | ||
| I mean, if you just go back and look at yourself, I mean, if I had to be myself at 21, I mean, I couldn't imagine if I had my 21-year-old brain today. | ||
| I would be fucking insane. | ||
| You know, I'd have nothing. | ||
| I would light the house on fire. | ||
| I would fucking drive my cars over cliffs. | ||
| I feel like last night what happened in my house, I had my 21-year-old brain there. | ||
| Yeah, you guys had some nutty-ass podcast on. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| What was I going to ask you? | ||
| I'm afraid to go to my house. | ||
| So you never finished what happened to you in the most recent pot thing where you sent me a message. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was in New Zealand, and I had smoked a few times. | ||
| Arch Barker and I are really good friends, and when we're in Australia, we go to his house, and we just... | ||
| And he's another guy that's huge in Australia. | ||
| Massive. | ||
| He's like, in Australia, he's like Chris Rock is in America, right? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Like Dane Cook. | ||
| Yeah, that massive. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Sells every ticket he puts out. | ||
| I mean, I've heard of him in America. | ||
| He's funny as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's crazy that a guy catches on like that. | |
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| And he was doing well in America. | ||
| He's on Flight of the Conchords. | ||
| You know, he's got a career here. | ||
| Yeah, it's not that he's doing bad, but he's a superstar over there. | ||
| He's a superstar there and he loves it. | ||
| And it's a great place. | ||
| So he splits his time there? | ||
| No, he's there now permanently. | ||
| Permanently? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so crazy he said, fuck it. | ||
| He bought this great house up in the middle of, like, it's out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And he's got a farm, and he just loves it. | ||
| Now, you're huge in Australia, too, but you want to be over here more. | ||
| Yeah, I'd much rather be here. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Just, you know, I've got family here and stuff, and getting back the 15-hour flight's not easy. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| It is brutal. | ||
| They fucking crush you. | ||
| They crush your spirit, those flights. | ||
| Three weeks, you. | ||
| I fly... | ||
| Yeah, I go there in three weeks. | ||
| I'm going two. | ||
| Are you going to be in town that week? | ||
| I leave Sydney like the day you show up. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Shit, dude. | ||
| I could have hooked you up with some... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What day is your... | |
| I got two shows because the first show sold out. | ||
| Are you at the N. Morgan? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I couldn't get in there. | ||
| There was a band. | ||
| What happens is the UFC books their stuff kind of late in comparison to stand-up and concerts. | ||
| If you go to a concert venue, most concert venues are booked six months to a year out. | ||
| So for UFC, it's not that far out. | ||
| We haven't announced shit. | ||
| We got some shit announced right now that's in April, but there's still some stuff in March that's up in the air, and the May stuff's up in the air, and the June stuff is up in the air. | ||
| Some of them get confirmed, and some of them are still up in the air. | ||
| And the problem is, sometimes I don't find out until maybe the latest, the earliest, is three months out. | ||
| And three months out, it's tough to get a gig, because all the venues are booked on Friday and Saturday nights. | ||
| So it's Saturday night, I'm at Rudy Hill. | ||
| Wherever that is. | ||
| I know where that is. | ||
| Rudy Hill RSL club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I know it. | ||
| I know it. | ||
| It's supposed to be in a funky neighborhood. | ||
| I think you must be. | ||
| Is A-List promoting? | ||
| The same people that promoted the last time I saw. | ||
| Yeah, those are my guys. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| Yeah, same guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool guys. | |
| Yeah, you'll pack that place. | ||
| Yeah, so the first one's already sold out and the second one's... | ||
| And by the way, if you want to go to Mandalay Bay this weekend, it's almost sold out. | ||
| Friday night at the Mandalay Bay Theater. | ||
| And there's going to be... | ||
| It's going to be Ari Shafir and Joe Diaz. | ||
| So it's going to be fucking crazy. | ||
| It's a big, giant place, but... | ||
| I've been pimping the tickets for a long time, so it's almost sold out. | ||
| So this is the place I'm doing in Sydney as the RSL club. | ||
| You ever working? | ||
| Yeah, I think I've been there. | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's an RSL. RSL is like their Retired Service League, which means it's like their Veterans Clubs. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so it's like a VFW you're playing. | ||
| So how come people tell me to get the fuck out of the neighborhood? | ||
| You think you're like, fuck, I'm playing a VFW. But in that place, they'll have a big fucking... | ||
| It must be pretty big. | ||
| What's the capacity? | ||
| I think it's like 800. Yeah, they'll have this theater within there. | ||
| But in every little town... | ||
| They have these RSLs and it's where you go to drink cheap before you go out at night. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they got pokey machines. | ||
| Italian club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But why are they telling me to get out of town? | ||
| Because it's probably, are they saying it's a shitty neighborhood? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like, if you're going to party, don't party there. | ||
| Get the fuck out of there. | ||
| Get back into Sydney. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Is it creepy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just a fucking suburb. | ||
| It's like playing like, you know, like if you were in Clifton. | ||
| Where's Clifton? | ||
| New Jersey. | ||
| And you're not... | ||
| Sometimes it's fun being in the suburbs, though. | ||
| Sometimes it's fun being in those weird fringe places. | ||
| Well, they've got... | ||
| You know, their rednecks are called Bogans. | ||
| Bogans. | ||
| Bogans. | ||
| So they're like Crocodile Dundee? | ||
| Is that a redneck? | ||
| No, they're more like... | ||
| They're guys that are into, like, Nitro Circus kind of shit. | ||
| They'd call them bogans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nitro Circus? | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| Nitro Circus is that MTV show with Travis Pastrana. | ||
| I've no idea. | ||
| The motorcycle jumping and all that fucking... | ||
| So they're just, like, fucking, you know, guys that like to have fun in the fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Adventure Seekers. | |
| Yeah, they're... | ||
| A lot of guys in Australia fucking ride motorcycles and they drive utes, which are like pickup trucks. | ||
| Australia's a goddamn manly country. | ||
| Yeah, extremely. | ||
| Goddamn manly. | ||
| What is that about? | ||
| Is it the prison colony thing? | ||
| I think it has a lot to do with that. | ||
| It has to. | ||
| Fucking beautiful place, man. | ||
| Australia's so gorgeous. | ||
| And I surf down there and the surfers there just... | ||
| You crush American surf. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Every dude there, you think he's a pro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You'll just go to some guy, like, hey, do you surf? | ||
| And he'll be like, yeah, yeah, do it a little. | ||
| And you want to go tomorrow? | ||
| You'll go the next day and be like, dude, you should be on tour. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fucking all amazing. | ||
| Well, they love the UFC, man. | ||
| UFC sells out there in like 15 minutes time. | ||
| Every single time we've been there, we've been there twice, but every single time, it breaks records, sells out quicker than anything. | ||
| It's fucking nutty. | ||
| And they love George Sadiropoulos, their one guy. | ||
| They've got one famous Australian guy. | ||
| He's a fucking... | ||
| Greek dude. | ||
| Yeah, he's a top contender right now in the UFC, too. | ||
| Nicest fucking guy in the world. | ||
| But he's a perfect Aussie. | ||
| Just a fucking savage dude. | ||
| They have a real fucking, like, they call them blokes. | ||
| Like, a guy's a bloke, and they're very blokey, and women complain about it. | ||
| Like, in Sydney, I always say that, like, you can't even talk to a woman in a bar, because the guys have fucked them over so badly. | ||
| You'll go up there and be like, hi. | ||
| She'll be like, go fuck yourself, cunt. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| No, what did I do? | ||
| And it's not what you did. | ||
| It's what the last 20 guys that dealt with or did. | ||
| So the girls are on the defensive because the guys just – it's all about your boys. | ||
| But don't they have a different attitude towards sex in Australia? | ||
| They're much more permissive, much more relaxed. | ||
| I would say they're Pretty much fucking everywhere in America. | ||
| That's one thing you don't realize about America. | ||
| Obviously, the Middle East is worse, unless you're a little boy. | ||
| But in the Middle East, they love to fuck little boys. | ||
| That's an awesome time for them. | ||
| But as far as European countries, we are so fucked up in comparison to them. | ||
| Our whole repression, all that shit, that doesn't exist over there. | ||
| In Argentina, South America, South America, they're super Well, I've heard, and I don't know how true this is. | ||
| It was a statistic in Jesus Camp. | ||
| Did you see that film? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It said two-thirds of America's born-again Christians. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's what it said in the beginning of that film. | ||
| I don't think that's correct. | ||
| I think probably two-thirds of the people they talked to. | ||
| Or evangelical Christians. | ||
| You know, finding the numbers for 300 million people, that's so problematic. | ||
| Not only that, you've got to add in Mexicans, you know, because there's a lot of undocumented people in this country, and who knows how many it is. | ||
| I mean, I've heard millions and millions in California alone, so who knows how many it is nationwide. | ||
| So knowing how many people are actually Christians and evangelical Christians or people who believe the earth is less than 10,000 years old, you know. | ||
| It's the numbers or who the fuck knows what they are. | ||
| I've heard 51% believe the earth is less than 10,000 years old. | ||
| 51% believe in a biblical version of the Bible. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| Which, by the way, play that fucking clip. | ||
| I was going to say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| We have to play this clip. | ||
| Bill O'Reilly, man. | ||
| Now, by the way, Bill O'Reilly went to fucking Harvard. | ||
| I think Bill O'Reilly's playing a character. | ||
| I think he's playing a character. | ||
| I think you might be right. | ||
| I'm almost positive. | ||
| I think he's very clever as to the kind of shit that he supports. | ||
| And the way he supports it is so asinine that it's almost like he's trolling. | ||
| It's almost like a subtle paradox. | ||
| Yeah, here's why I think that. | ||
| I used to do sports radio in New York City. | ||
| I was on WNEW, which is the station Opie and Anthony Ron and all that. | ||
| I was the morning show with this guy named Sid Rosenberg. | ||
| Sure, I know Sid Rosenberg. | ||
| I do his show in Miami all the time. | ||
| Okay, Sid's a sports expert. | ||
| I knew fucking nothing. | ||
| It was supposed to be like Love Lines, where he was the expert and I was the comedian. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And Sid wanted me to be an expert in sports, and I don't give a shit about what fucking guy's stats are. | ||
| So did he ask you to learn the stats? | ||
| No, but there was constant conflict between the two of us. | ||
| How long did you work there for? | ||
| Six months. | ||
| And I was like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. | ||
| So he was telling you, hey, read the sports book, read the pages. | ||
| And he'd be like, did you watch the game last night? | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| And he's like, why not? | ||
| I'm like, I didn't fucking want to. | ||
| And I'm like, just let me fucking be funny. | ||
| I'll be funny. | ||
| And he's like, but you gotta be funny about sports. | ||
| I'm like, no, I don't. | ||
| I just have to be funny. | ||
| Man, that always bugs me when I listen to sports radio. | ||
| And they're like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about McHenry with the play in the 9th? | |
| Does he think that that's going to get his contract extension? | ||
| But it made me fucking like crazy. | ||
| Because I realized the only way you're going to get ratings and be interesting is I had to basically take on a character. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I would sit there and criticize these athletes and these coaches that I didn't even watch the fucking game. | ||
| People love to do that, by the way. | ||
| I wouldn't even watch the game and I'd be like, Jim Fossil, he's a fucking pussy! | ||
| Did you see what he did last night? | ||
| Did you say fucking pussy? | ||
| No, no, I wouldn't say that. | ||
| But I'd be like, he's a pussy. | ||
| I said pussy. | ||
| I'd go, he's a pussy. | ||
| He's a pussy. | ||
| And the next thing you know, all his fans are calling, I'm going to kick your ass, man. | ||
| How could you say that? | ||
| And I would just try to incite people to create radio. | ||
| And I watch fucking Bill O'Reilly and I'm like... | ||
| He's doing the same shit. | ||
| There's no possible way. | ||
| He might be. | ||
| I definitely think he's playing towards his market. | ||
| He has a market. | ||
| And he's concocted this gigantic conglomeration of retards and old people that think that he makes sense. | ||
| But this is one of the most troll-like things that he's ever said. | ||
| Brian? | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| He's talking about the moon. | ||
| This is on BillOReilly.com. | ||
| You can find it on YouTube. | ||
| Backstage conversation. | ||
| Backstage with Bill O'Reilly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
David, Beverly Hills, Florida. | |
| What do you mean when you refer to the tides, when you ask about the existence of God? | ||
| Science explains the tides, the moon's gravity pulls on the ocean. | ||
| Okay, how'd the moon get there? | ||
| How'd the moon get there? | ||
| Look, you pinheads who attacked me for this, you guys are just desperate. | ||
| How'd the moon get there? | ||
| How'd the sun get there? | ||
| How'd it get there? | ||
| Can you explain that to me? | ||
| How come we have that, and Mars doesn't have it? | ||
| Venus doesn't have it. | ||
| How come? | ||
| Mars has two moons, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How'd it get here? | |
| How did that little amoeba get here? | ||
| Crawl out there. | ||
| How'd it do it? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You have order in this universe. | ||
| You have an order in the universe. | ||
| Tide comes in, tide goes out. | ||
| Okay, yeah, the moon does it. | ||
| Fine. | ||
| How'd the moon get there? | ||
| Who put it there? | ||
| Did it just happen? | ||
| Okay, if we have existence, if we have life on Earth, how come they don't have it on the other planets? | ||
| Were we just lucky? | ||
| Some meteor would do this? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You know, I see this stuff as desperate. | ||
| Science is desperate. | ||
| It takes more faith to not believe and to think that this was all luck. | ||
| All this human body, the intricacies of it and everything else, all luck. | ||
| Than it does to believe in a deity. | ||
| Is there a possibility? | ||
| Two things I want you to do right now. | ||
| Two things I want you to do. | ||
| One, I want you to go look up Bill O'Reilly scandalous voicemails because he left a bunch of voicemails on his assistant's phone about rubbing her down with a loofah sponge and fucking all kinds of creepy shit and he wound up paying her off. | ||
| Don't you think that Bill O'Reilly's the kind of guy that really needs to get really high? | ||
| Yeah, he needs to do mushrooms. | ||
| And then he might go, holy shit, I take back almost everything I've ever said. | ||
| Yeah, for sure he would. | ||
| Because it would allow him a different perception that he probably has never entered into, if he does believe that shit. | ||
| But I don't know if he does or doesn't. | ||
| I think he does. | ||
| And this is why I think he does. | ||
| I think he does because he's got a tremendous ego. | ||
| And I think he's one of those guys that he's saying something all the time. | ||
| I don't think he would say something all the time unless he believed it. | ||
| This whole thing, I think he's definitely preaching to the choir. | ||
| And I definitely think he's trying to fit a mold and trying to appease his constituents, all the people that listen to his show. | ||
| But I think it can't be contrary to what he really believes. | ||
| Because he's got too big of an ego. | ||
| For him to be on TV talking about it all the time, eventually he'd implode. | ||
| He wouldn't be able to deal with that. | ||
| If he really did have an intelligent argument that was contrary to what we were saying, I don't think he would be saying it on the air. | ||
| I just think his ego is too big. | ||
| I don't think he's that genius. | ||
| He's not Andy Kaufman. | ||
| He's not some brilliant trickster that's fucking fooling the world. | ||
| I think these guys, they start playing a character and then they sort of like dice clay it. | ||
| They become the character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's that one dice clay? | ||
| Do you don't know the dice clay used to be Andrew Silverstein? | ||
| By the way, we're going to try to get dice in the podcast, too. | ||
| I'm not hating. | ||
| I love dice. | ||
| I had a great talk with dice the other day. | ||
| Dice's kid is doing comedy. | ||
| Dice's kid is 20. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And dice is so proud. | ||
| And his kid is fucking killing. | ||
| His kids like learning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's fucking great. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| What's he go by? | ||
| What's his name, bro? | ||
| Was it Max? | ||
| Max? | ||
| Yeah, I think it was Max. | ||
| Is it Max Clay? | ||
| No, I don't think... | ||
| Does he go by Silverstein? | ||
| Anyway, he... | ||
| Oh, I've seen his name around. | ||
| Dice used to be Andrew Silverstein, and then he would... | ||
| The Diceman was like this character that he would do on stage, along with a bunch of other characters. | ||
| He would do like Stallone, and he would do De Niro. | ||
| He would do like all these characters, like all these impressions, and then Diceman was one of his characters. | ||
| Well, the Diceman just became his main character. | ||
| That became his thing he did on stage, and then it became him off stage. | ||
| And I think that happens to guys like Glenn Beck. | ||
| I think what happens is they start out with this character, and they start out, and then they get all these people, thank you, Mr. Beck, you make me so happy, and what you said about Jesus is so important to me and my family, and what you say about our troops is so important to me and our family. | ||
| And this guy is soaking in this love, and he's putting out a book every three days, this motherfucker. | ||
| And all of them are about what's wrong with the left and what's wrong with society and what's wrong with being godless and what's wrong with this. | ||
| And Sarah Palin's the only hope for our country. | ||
| And then they start fucking believing it, man. | ||
| Because the human ego, when you're the type of person that's really selling something and pitching something and getting all this adulation for it, if you're an egomaniac, which most people get into the public eye are, you know, most people that get into a position where they're like a guy like that, where they have an opinion. | ||
| Opinion show where they're on stage every day talking to people and broadcasting to millions. | ||
| They get all this love and fan mail. | ||
| It's very difficult to be objective about that. | ||
| It's very difficult to have a real honest way of looking at it. | ||
| You start looking at it the way they want you to look at it because this is where the love's coming from. | ||
| Beck turned into a fucking Mormon. | ||
| Okay, as an adult, as an adult, who by the way, obviously, look, you can say he's crazy, and I do, but that guy's got a high IQ. There's no question in my mind. | ||
| I guarantee you, if you sat that guy down, he's a 120 plus IQ. You know, he's a smart guy. | ||
| There's no way you can do that in freeball. | ||
| How do you get into Mormonism? | ||
| Because he's fucked up. | ||
| Look, the intelligence and balance are two totally different things. | ||
| I've met some brilliant people. | ||
| I don't want to say his name. | ||
| A guy who used to design my website. | ||
| Fucking brilliant, but completely insane and totally imbalanced. | ||
| I know a bunch of people like that. | ||
| That are really, really brilliant people. | ||
| But, I mean, mathematically brilliant, structurally brilliant, the way they can break down complex orders in society. | ||
| But their own life is just chaos. | ||
| So wait, you're saying Beck is brilliant? | ||
| Yes, I think he's absolutely brilliant. | ||
| Brilliant in being a cunt. | ||
| What he's doing, I think he's a brilliant guy. | ||
| Brilliant in manipulation. | ||
| Yeah, brilliant at manipulation, brilliant at acting, brilliant at playing a part, brilliant at becoming the perfect version of this guy that all these retards need. | ||
| Because I don't think it takes intelligence to be a manipulator. | ||
| What he's doing takes intelligence. | ||
| He's free-balling every day. | ||
| He's got a big screen and he's breaking things down. | ||
| And some of it makes sense. | ||
| It's like 20 or 30 percent of it I go, God damn it, I agree with Glenn Beck. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| But I think that those guys, when they get to that position where there's an extraordinary amount of success that they achieve in one certain area. | ||
| I mean, Glenn Beck's house is for sale in Connecticut. | ||
| And I looked at that shit online. | ||
| It's fucking giant. | ||
| And it's probably only for sale because you've got a bigger one. | ||
| You've got a bigger, crazier one. | ||
| That guy's selling... | ||
| Literally, every time I go to the bookstore, there's a new Glenn Beck book. | ||
| Nobody makes me feel lazier than Glenn Beck. | ||
| Because I've been writing this goddamn book for a year and I can't... | ||
| And Glenn Beck puts out one every 15 days. | ||
| It's fucking insane, you know? | ||
| But these guys, I really, truly believe, as a person who's been affected by fame and been affected, like, where I've had to look at my own behavior and analyze it, and, you know, that's one of the reasons why I really got into psychedelics and the isolation tank, is because I felt like there was an overwhelming influence that fame and the pursuit of fame has on a person, especially in Hollywood. | ||
| Where you're trying to make things happen. | ||
| Where you can lose yourself in this quest. | ||
| And I think it happens to a lot of people. | ||
| So I wanted to kind of analyze it in myself. | ||
| And it took a long time for me to get a hold of it. | ||
| From fear factor on, there was a long time in there where I was like, this is a crazy thing here. | ||
| How do you make sure that what you're doing is really what you want to be doing? | ||
| How do you know that what you're doing is not what you think people would like to hear from you or what you think you're going to say and do to get more work and to get more people to like you? | ||
| I mean, I've had conversations with really successful people where they say, you know, I can't do that because I'm this and that and my image is that and this. | ||
| And like, okay, you're not even doing you. | ||
| You're pretending to be something else just so that you can get more of the positive reaction that you've gotten. | ||
| That permeates into your real life. | ||
| But what if that's like... | ||
| I'm the kind of person I vacillate often. | ||
| I'll look at one thing and then I'll have a different opinion maybe a year later on how I felt about it. | ||
| That's called being intelligent. | ||
| And as a performer, as a comedian, my act's constantly changing. | ||
| Sometimes I can't do bits that I used to do because I've changed as a person. | ||
| I don't feel that way and I can't deliver them with truth. | ||
| And I'm like, that would suck to fucking be locked into a character. | ||
| It says we're off the air. | ||
| It says we're off the air. | ||
| Ustream keeps on fucking up, but it's on here. | ||
| It says we're on air. | ||
| So it's going off and on. | ||
| It's choppy for people. | ||
| But I can't get on right now. | ||
| It's on. | ||
| You see it? | ||
| Yeah, it's on. | ||
| You see it online? | ||
| What do you see online? | ||
| We have 13, 17 viewers. | ||
| It's broadcasting. | ||
| It's recording. | ||
| See if you can see it on a browser. | ||
| Anyways, who cares? | ||
| We're talking about... | ||
| I accidentally unclicked it and I can't get back to it. | ||
| Sorry, go ahead. | ||
| The ability to change and to get locked into that character would be terrifying for me. | ||
| I'm a control freak. | ||
| And if that's where your income... | ||
| And I don't have the... | ||
| I'm lucky enough that I don't have a wife and kids, but imagine if you got into that where then you've got a house and mortgages and schools and you've bought into this character and all of a sudden you've changed as a character and you're like, fuck, I'm not that guy anymore. | ||
| I don't feel that way. | ||
| I've changed my way of thinking, but fuck, I've got to still do that because people do change. | ||
| People either become more conservative as they get older or start to realize shit. | ||
| I've become more liberal as I get older. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, I think as you become more intelligent, you realize that there's a lot more to things than people like to think. | ||
| Everybody likes to think it's black and white. | ||
| I have a lot of conservative ideas, a lot of them, about gun control, about taxes, about a lot of different things. | ||
| But I also have a lot of liberal points of view, too, especially when it comes to... | ||
| Things like gay marriage. | ||
| That, to me, is one of the most frustrating things when I see people get upset about gay marriage. | ||
| As if it somehow or another fucking affects you of two guys who obviously want to be gay. | ||
| No one's got a gun to their head. | ||
| No one's saying, if you're not gay, I'm fucking killing your family. | ||
| No one's doing that. | ||
| They just want to be gay. | ||
| I find the people that are afraid of... | ||
| Bro, this shit is offline, man. | ||
| It's on. | ||
| But I can't get on. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Ustream has some problems, man. | ||
| When you're trying to get on it, you have to refresh it a few times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
| It's on, though, so don't worry about it. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I walked out of the – actually, it was when I worked with you down in Tampa. | ||
| Or I was doing the early – and then you did like Friday night and you came in at the Tampa Improv. | ||
| I came out like my first night. | ||
| It was like a Wednesday or something. | ||
| And there are these guys out in the street holding up signs. | ||
| And it was like almost like that church from Nebraska or wherever, those crazy fuckers that protest funerals. | ||
| Oh, the God Hates Fags guy? | ||
| And they were holding up signs that God hates fags and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And I just walked out. | ||
| So the audience is out there with me. | ||
| And I thought, I'm just going to fuck with these people. | ||
| And I went up to this kid and I'm like, how old are you? | ||
| And he's like, I'm 16 years old. | ||
| I'm like, you're 16? | ||
| Dude, go to an arcade. | ||
| Go try to get laid. | ||
| Go fucking have a life. | ||
| The fuck's wrong with your parents? | ||
| Don't listen to your parents. | ||
| They're assholes. | ||
| And I'm making everybody laugh, just making fun of this kid. | ||
| But then some older guy starts yelling at me. | ||
| And I go, dude, stop. | ||
| You want to cock in your ass so badly. | ||
| That you're here right now because you hate yourself. | ||
| I'm like, you want to make it easy? | ||
| Just go suck a cock. | ||
| It's going to change your whole life. | ||
| You're out here, you're doing this shit because you're a homo and you just don't want to admit it. | ||
| I'm like, leave them the fuck alone and go join them. | ||
| You're deep down, you know you're gay. | ||
| And he's like, you're the devil, you're the devil, you're here to... | ||
| And I'm like, no, I'm here to help you, dude. | ||
| Go fucking suck a cock. | ||
| It's going to change your life. | ||
| I'm not joking. | ||
| The next night I walk out, it's the atheists holding up signs going, you know, there is no God and God is bad and God created, you know, there's death involved. | ||
| And I go up to them and I go, you're just fucking bad. | ||
| Just fucking shut up and go fucking have a beer somewhere. | ||
| Why are you out here with the fuck? | ||
| You've got your own religion of atheism. | ||
| Like, I get it. | ||
| I get your belief. | ||
| You know, I don't believe in any kind of fucking order or anything. | ||
| I don't know what I believe. | ||
| But... | ||
| Go away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Fucking stop your religion of trying to get people to join. | ||
| Yeah, people want to believe anything, whether it's they want to believe in Republicans, they want to believe in God, they want to believe in no God. | ||
| I've had arguments with atheists where it's so ridiculous, you know, like they're saying, science disproves the existence of God. | ||
| Like, no, it doesn't. | ||
| Science doesn't disprove anything. | ||
| What science does is it shows its, well, first of all, statistics and things that can be measured. | ||
| You know, how can you measure what happens in the afterlife? | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| How can you measure what happened, you know, what the birth of the universe is? | ||
| And how do you... | ||
| I mean, how do we not know that there's something that's far more... | ||
| I mean, I'm not saying that there's a guy in the clouds with a harp. | ||
| But what I am saying is that after smoking DMT seven times and doing mushrooms all the times I've done and all the times in the isolation tank, I've seen shit way crazier than a dude with a harp in the clouds, okay? | ||
| And I've seen it many, many, many times. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| The idea that you can tell me what does and doesn't exist is fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, I cannot believe people actually try to do that. | ||
| I'm like, how do we know that we're here right now? | ||
| Or that we're, you know, there could be something so complex. | ||
| I always tell people when they go, what's your belief on God? | ||
| I go, when my dog... | ||
| can't comprehend the operating system. | ||
| She does not have the capability. | ||
| And I believe that as humans, that's how we are with the universe. | ||
| We don't have the fucking capability. | ||
| We might be the most intelligent species, but we're not intelligent enough to understand something that's so fucking-- It's like being the baddest worm. | ||
| This worm is so smart. | ||
| Look, it knows how to get around this pebble. | ||
| You know, it's really ridiculous. | ||
| The idea that we can figure it out. | ||
| I mean, this is complete and total stoner talk. | ||
| But the idea that we can figure out the fucking universe, you know. | ||
| Did you find the Bill O'Reilly stuff? | ||
| No, it's not on there. | ||
| It's not a video, bro. | ||
| It's not a video. | ||
| It's an audio, right? | ||
| Well, I think they just transcribed it. | ||
| I saw it on Washington Post and stuff. | ||
| It just kind of talked about it. | ||
| Did they have the transcriptions though? | ||
| No. | ||
| Hey, I want to change the subject first. | ||
| Did you have Bobby Lee on here yesterday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did he get naked for you? | ||
| Two days ago. | ||
| He got on our podcast and we could not get him to keep his clothes on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he was just fucking rubbing his dick on everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He is so fucking funny. | ||
| He was much more sedate. | ||
| I don't know what you guys fed him over there. | ||
| I think he was, you know, fucking... | ||
| Have you ever told your story that you did at the Storyteller anywhere else other than that show? | ||
| No, that was the first time I ever told it. | ||
| What story is that? | ||
| The whole time you, the urban... | ||
| Oh, the black show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want to tell that story? | ||
| I'm not afraid. | ||
| I mean, it's not racist on my part. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hilarious. | |
| You just took a chance. | ||
| Yeah, I went to SUNY, it was called SUNY Farmingdale. | ||
| It was at State University of New York in Farmingdale, Long Island. | ||
| And my manager at the time, I think I'd only been doing comedy maybe three years. | ||
| Three or four at the most. | ||
| I was in New York City. | ||
| And my manager at the time, Jason Steinberg. | ||
| Do you know Jason? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Jason, and I'm only telling his name because I want to burn him on this. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Jason, at the time, had mostly black comics. | ||
| And all his comics were like Def Jam and doing really well. | ||
| Like some great, great comics. | ||
| He represented a lot of really good guys. | ||
| Tony Woods, Greer Barnes, all these guys were doing really well at the time and were big in that. | ||
| So he was always booking these events for black shows. | ||
| And I'm begging for work because I don't have any work at the time. | ||
| And I hear him. | ||
| I'm in his office. | ||
| I hear him go, oh... | ||
| Oh yeah, so you need a comic. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it's not a Def Jam show, right? | ||
| You sure? | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| I think I got the guy. | ||
| 500 bucks? | ||
| And I'm like, 500 bucks? | ||
| Fuck, that's the most I've ever gotten paid for a gig. | ||
| And I was like, I want this fucking gig. | ||
| And he goes, alright, you're going out to SUNY Farmingdale. | ||
| The train takes you right out there. | ||
| It'll be like a $10 train ride. | ||
| He's like, you're the intermission of an auction. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Traditionally, this is like an urban room, but it's just this auction. | ||
| It's going to be like alumni and stuff. | ||
| And I'm like, all right. | ||
| I go out there. | ||
| On the way out, Tony Woods. | ||
| Do you know Tony Woods? | ||
| Sure, I know Tony. | ||
| Tony and I are sharing the subway. | ||
| He's a really good friend of mine. | ||
| He's going, dog. | ||
| Don't fucking go, dog. | ||
| They beat up Ralph Harris. | ||
| They beat him up on stage. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| He's like, they're gonna kill you. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| He's like, dog, don't go. | ||
| So why didn't you listen? | ||
| It's 500 bucks. | ||
| So I go, no, but it's an auction. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| I'm in the intermission. | ||
| It's an alumni thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I go. | ||
| I get there. | ||
| I see the line of people waiting to go in. | ||
| And it's not just an urban show. | ||
| This is fucking, like... | ||
| Urban. | ||
| Tony told me, he goes, dude, bro, he goes, they're Caribbean black. | ||
| He's like, Caribbean black are the guys that, they kill me because I'm American black. | ||
| He's like, they're going to fuck you up. | ||
| And I'm like, no, no, no. | ||
| He's like, trust me. | ||
| So I see the line of guys going in. | ||
| Everybody's going on FUBU, you know, like jerseys and Timberlands. | ||
| Every single dude in the crowd, baggy jeans. | ||
| By the way, FUBU stands for... | ||
| For us, by us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck. | ||
| Which is, you know... | ||
| Kind of like separatist as it is. | ||
| It's pretty funny when Joey Diaz wears that shirt. | ||
| So I go, this is how long ago this was. | ||
| I go to the payphone. | ||
| And I page Jason Steinberg and he calls me on the payphone. | ||
| And I go, Jason, I'm fucking out of here. | ||
| I'm out of here. | ||
| And he goes, you're fine. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| Just be funny. | ||
| I'm like, no, this doesn't look good. | ||
| He goes, no, you're going to be fine. | ||
| So I go into the auditorium. | ||
| Security goes, what are you doing? | ||
| I go, I'm the comedian. | ||
| Security goes, fuck, you're the comedian? | ||
| I quit! | ||
| He goes, I'm out of here. | ||
| I'm out of here. | ||
| Because he knows what's going to happen. | ||
| So the security guy saw you. | ||
| Is it a black guy that was a security guy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So he just says, fuck this? | ||
| Was he serious? | ||
| He was totally serious. | ||
| They call this gig the little Apollo. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And so I'm like, fuck. | ||
| So I go back to the phone. | ||
| I call Jason again. | ||
| I go, Jason, I'm leaving. | ||
| I'm leaving. | ||
| I'm just not doing anything. | ||
| I'm going to die. | ||
| He's like, Eddie, you're funny. | ||
| He's like, just get up there and do what you do. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| So I'm so nervous. | ||
| You know when you're so nervous. | ||
| There's no chance of you doing well. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's awkward. | ||
| So I go down and the emcee goes, what do you want to come out to? | ||
| I had never come out to music before. | ||
| I'm like, what do you mean? | ||
| You got any Led Zeppelin? | ||
| I was like, Freebird? | ||
| You know, like, what the fuck? | ||
| My name is Michael Alvinickel. | ||
| I'm like, Puff the Magic Dragon. | ||
| I don't fucking know what. | ||
| And they've got a DJ on the side. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck. | ||
| So what'd you come out to? | ||
| Well, I don't follow any rap music at all, especially at that time. | ||
| I came from a place called Fox Chapel. | ||
| I would come out to fuck the police. | ||
| I didn't know what that... | ||
| And at the time... | ||
| I wouldn't. | ||
| I had this shitty Knight Rider joke. | ||
| I had this shitty Knight Rider joke about how Kit was gay. | ||
| It was a gay car. | ||
| Ellen at the time was coming out. | ||
| And I go, she's not the first gay character. | ||
| Kit from Knight Rider was gay. | ||
| And he's like, Michael, Michael, I'm going to pick you up in a minute. | ||
| And so I was like, I'll do the Kit joke and I'll come out to the Knight Rider rap song. | ||
| By the way, Kit... | ||
| R. Kelly the Zoo. | ||
| Get that, pull that shit up. | ||
| After this? | ||
| Yeah, after this. | ||
| Let's not play audio. | ||
| I don't know, we'll edit it out later. | ||
| We need this. | ||
| Just trust me. | ||
| Just pull it up on the side. | ||
| So I go backstage and what they're doing is they're auctioning off dates with students from the school to raise money. | ||
| Girls and guys. | ||
| A guy will come out and all the dudes are backstage. | ||
| Lifting, pumping up, doing push-ups, and they've got dumbbells, so they're getting a pump, and they're putting baby oil all over their bodies and taking their shirts off. | ||
| And they're black as tar. | ||
| Everyone's ignoring me, like, what the fuck are you doing back here? | ||
| And I swear to God, I grab one of the bottles of rum that they're drinking, and I just start chugging rum, because I'm terrified. | ||
| So I just start sculling down this rum. | ||
| I saw one chick there, the one white chick, and I'm like, she's really fucking hot. | ||
| So they're auctioning dates with the guys and the girls. | ||
| The guys will come out, they'll just like flex, and everybody will bid, and then the girls will come out and do like a striptease act. | ||
| They'll bring a guy out, put him in a chair, and grind on him, and do like a lap dance. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Pour whipped cream and do all this shit, you know, and they'll go crazy. | ||
| But they're bidding. | ||
| They get dinner at Puff Daddy's restaurant. | ||
| P. Diddy had a restaurant in New York. | ||
| They get dinner at his place. | ||
| They get a limo ride to New York and a Broadway show if they win the date. | ||
| And they're bidding, and I swear to God, dates are going for like $7. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm watching, do I hear five? | |
| No way. | ||
| Sold! | ||
| Could you bid? | ||
| Could you bid? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| And I'm looking at the hot fucking white chick going, I want to bid. | ||
| Well, backstage, this... | ||
| And she has to go out on a date with the guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| The guy's just disgusting. | ||
| Well, this is where it gets creepy. | ||
| So the finale, I'm going to be the intermission, then the finale is this black stripper. | ||
| And she comes up to me and she's like, hey, you're the comedian? | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| She's like, my name's Heaven. | ||
| And I'm like, hey, Heaven. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| And she's hot. | ||
| And so we start talking. | ||
| She goes, you're going to stick around and bid on me? | ||
| And I'm like, and she thinks I'm like this professional, you know, rich comedian and I'm going to be able to bid a lot of money on her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Is that because you told her that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm like, I can't think about her. | ||
| She starts talking to me. | ||
| Just let me get a little taste. | ||
| I actually said to her, get away from me. | ||
| Because I was so scared. | ||
| Because all the guys were checking her out. | ||
| And I'm like, I just don't want any problems here. | ||
| So you thought you were going to get problems because you were talking to the black chick in front of black guys. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they're giving you the mad dog look? | ||
| So I'm just like, I'm just gonna fuck you. | ||
| So has anybody said anything to you? | ||
| Any guys? | ||
| No one. | ||
| So it's just white fear? | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| No one's been negative to you? | ||
| You gotta understand, I grew up in a place where there was like, my high school probably had like one black guy, and his last name was Huxtable. | ||
| And I ran track all through college, and I was a sprinter, but I was separate. | ||
| I hung out with my white friends, and I wasn't. | ||
| So when I moved to New York and I started to become friends with all the black comics, it was like a total new world for me. | ||
| But this was like putting me in... | ||
| I was out of my comfort zone. | ||
| So what's your opening line? | ||
| My opening line, I miss my cue to go out. | ||
| And they're yelling for me. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And I've rewritten all my jokes, you know, when you do that. | ||
| I was rewrecked. | ||
| Edit them. | ||
| This is not good. | ||
| I'm not confident in this. | ||
| And I, like, stumble, almost trip onto stage, and they're all ready. | ||
| The MC had been going, where my dog's at? | ||
| And guys were, woo, woo, woo. | ||
| And they're running to the front of the stage when he does it and all putting their hands up in the air. | ||
| And I come out and I go, hey, uh... | ||
| Oh, what happened before I came out? | ||
| They auction off the white chick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The bidding goes up to, like, $350. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And every black chick in the place is about to fucking rush the stage. | ||
| And I'm like, there's going to be a riot in here. | ||
| And I'm like the other white guy, so I'm going down with her. | ||
| What are the black girls saying? | ||
| They're pissed off. | ||
| They're screaming. | ||
| And they're going, you know, do I hear... | ||
| And so, intermission happens, they call me out, and I think my opening line, I think I said something about there going to be a riot when they were bidding on the white chick. | ||
| And I go, you know, I was like, and I get a little bit of a laugh, and there was some creepy dude that was, like an older dude who was bidding. | ||
| White guy or black guy? | ||
| A black guy that I said was like a pedophile, and they kind of laughed at that. | ||
| And then I said, you guys, what are you doing with auctions? | ||
| Didn't you learn your lesson with auction years ago? | ||
| And I think it's kind of funny. | ||
| And I think I'm going to get a laugh. | ||
| Kind of like, oh, he's an insult. | ||
| And I hear like a, ooh. | ||
| And all of a sudden another, ooh. | ||
| And I wasn't quick enough to keep going. | ||
| So you paused. | ||
| I paused. | ||
| And you let them just leap up. | ||
| When the booze started building, it was like a wave of booing to where it started to like, get this motherfucker off the stage! | ||
| And people start throwing shit, and I swear to God, I hear, get that fucking, wait, get your white motherfucking ass off the stage before I kick your white motherfucking ass. | ||
| And I'm like standing there, and I'm kind of like in this, like all of a sudden I get hit in the head with a cup, a crumpled up Coke cup, and it pisses me off. | ||
| And I go, who the fuck threw that? | ||
| And I don't know why, but you know, you get that rage. | ||
| And it's like all this shit's happening to me. | ||
| I'm like a dog that's been kicked so much, I just start biting everyone. | ||
| I go, who the fuck? | ||
| Who the fuck threw that? | ||
| And some guy goes, I did. | ||
| I go, fuck you, you want to throw something? | ||
| Come on, fucking throw something at me. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| The kid starts running towards the stage. | ||
| And there are fold-out chairs in the front. | ||
| He picks one of them up and throws it on the stage. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| At that moment, I go, I'm going to fucking die. | ||
| And they're pulling cushioning out of the seats and throwing it at me, and they're booing so loud. | ||
| Now, here's what's hilarious about Eddie Ift. | ||
| This is what he says to me when he tells me this story at the beginning of the day. | ||
| He goes, now, if it happened today, I'd totally be able to be fine with it. | ||
| He's like, I'd totally be able to make it funny. | ||
| Comedians always want to think that I have some ruthless bombs in my past, and I have gone over these bombings and said, man, if I could just go back and redo it. | ||
| There was one time I bombed after Jim Brewer. | ||
| It was the worst bomb of my entire career. | ||
| It was devastation. | ||
| I think I've talked about this before. | ||
| I don't know if I talked about it on the podcast, did I? Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Brewer, we worked together all weekend, and I could barely follow him. | ||
| You know, this is like, I'd only been doing comedy maybe three years, maybe three or four years, and he was just too strong to be a middle, and I really wasn't a headliner. | ||
| I was a fake headliner. | ||
| I could do 45 minutes, but I had to tell my joke slow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| I couldn't, you know, so like... | ||
| When he was on stage, Brewer used to do this bit about going home, and he was hammered, and his mother turned into a demon, and it was really loud and really animated. | ||
| You know how sometimes a dude just gets in the zone, and Brewer used to get in these crazy zones, man. | ||
| I used to really enjoy watching him perform, because just his physical performance, his presence on stage, Fuck! | ||
| He just would nail it. | ||
| And this was one time, man. | ||
| We had been doing all weekend, so we'd done two shows Friday, one show Saturday, this was a late show Saturday, and Brewer just knocks it out of the park. | ||
| And there was a bunch of shit going wrong in my life at the time. | ||
| One, I had just torn my ACL. So for the first time in my life, I couldn't work out. | ||
| I had never not worked out. | ||
| So I had all this tension that I didn't know how to deal with. | ||
| You know, like for me, my whole body from the time I was like, you know, 14 years old to the time I was, this would happen when I was 22 or 23, my body had been designed just to fucking, to constantly be working, constantly be exerting all this energy, whether it was in kickboxing or wrestling or something, there was like this constant, and that was the only way I coped with stress. | ||
| That was gone, okay? | ||
| And I had moved from New York to Boston, so no ACL. It blows out. | ||
| Moved to New York or from Boston to New York. | ||
| I have no friends. | ||
| I don't know anybody there. | ||
| I'm living with my grandfather and my grandmother. | ||
| My grandmother was dying of an aneurysm. | ||
| She had an aneurysm. | ||
| They gave her 72 hours to live. | ||
| She lived for 12 years. | ||
| And I'm staying in their old house that they bought in 1945 in Newark, New Jersey, which is now in a war zone. | ||
| I mean, while I'm there, the next door neighbor's door gets broken down with a battering ram. | ||
| They arrest him for selling crack. | ||
| I mean, no joke, man. | ||
| It was a scary, scary neighborhood. | ||
| It used to be an Italian neighborhood, then it went just total chaos. | ||
| So I'm staying in the house, and Grandma, like, she... | ||
| She died. | ||
| Both of them are dead now. | ||
| But back then, she couldn't move. | ||
| She was completely paralyzed. | ||
| She would get bed sores. | ||
| And she could feel some things. | ||
| And sometimes she would just let out these soul... | ||
| Almost like she was emptying herself of the pain. | ||
| And the only way to do it was to let out this horrible screech. | ||
| So I'd be in the house. | ||
| And I'd be wandering around. | ||
| Maybe I'd go to the kitchen and grab something to eat. | ||
| And I'd hear... | ||
| It was like an animal, like a wounded animal. | ||
| She couldn't die. | ||
| She, like, was so resilient. | ||
| She had those Italian peasant genes, and she was just so fucked up, but yet she hung in there for, like, 12 years. | ||
| So I'm living in this house, right? | ||
| And I just broke it up with my girlfriend and my manager, God bless him, great guy, but it was back in the day where we talked about, like, when you're not doing so well, then everybody has advice for you. | ||
| And his advice was, you should dress nice. | ||
| Like, You know, you're a good looking guy. | ||
| You should dress nice on stage. | ||
| So my stupid ass, I'm wearing these like nice pants and a nice belt and like a club shirt that you would go out clubbing. | ||
| And I had a nice head of hair back then. | ||
| It was delicious. | ||
| And I'm wearing shiny shoes and shit. | ||
| And I just look like the fucking biggest asshole. | ||
| I just look like some club shithead, some goofy Italian cunt that's 22 years old that doesn't know anything about the world, right? | ||
| And I'm on stage, and I am panicking. | ||
| I remember Brewer got off stage, and the MC was about to bring me up, and I was off stage when Brewer came up. | ||
| And I remember he said, hey, have fun up there. | ||
| Have fun. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| And I go, I'm going to fucking eat it. | ||
| I remember saying it to him, like, dude, I'm not fucking confident right now. | ||
| I'm not feeling good right now. | ||
| Oh, you'll be fine. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| And I just was not prepared. | ||
| I just went up there, and I went into flames. | ||
| Just went into flames. | ||
| One girl, I remember a girl in the audience, she goes... | ||
| I was just eating dick up there and I was editing my material and chopping the jokes as I go along. | ||
| And one girl goes, you're kind of hot but you're not funny. | ||
| And there's nothing you can say when you know that that's true. | ||
| Not that I'm kind of hot but that I'm not funny. | ||
| And another guy goes, you fucking suck! | ||
| You fucking suck! | ||
| And he's this big meathead guy snapping. | ||
| I had nothing I could say. | ||
| He was right. | ||
| I fucking sucked. | ||
| I knew I fucking sucked. | ||
| There was nothing I could do. | ||
| And I was supposed to do 45 minutes. | ||
| I wound up doing like 30. I got a few laughs. | ||
| I started getting a few laughs. | ||
| But they were so shaky. | ||
| It was just the worst set ever. | ||
| The worst bombing ever. | ||
| And I still to this day will go back in my head. | ||
| That was fucking 20 years ago. | ||
| My gig was still to this day the worst one I've ever had. | ||
| And you go back and you replay it over in your head. | ||
| Okay, I could have said this. | ||
| The heat that goes through your body when you're bombing. | ||
| People don't understand. | ||
| When you're bombing, there's a hot flash. | ||
| You almost get hot flashes. | ||
| So I'm having it when the guy threw the... | ||
| That knocked me out of my aggression. | ||
| When the chair came up onto the stage, I was like, Okay, I'm not going to fight a crowd. | ||
| And I got to get the fuck out of here. | ||
| The girl on the side of the stage that booked me is going, Get off! | ||
| Get off! | ||
| And I think this is, I was supposed to do like 40 minutes and I think I'm at 45 seconds or something or four minutes. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| It was so short. | ||
| She's going, get off, get off. | ||
| And I go, this is how badly I wanted the money. | ||
| I go, where's my check? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| From the stage. | ||
| But no one could hear me. | ||
| Even with the microphone, they were booing that loud. | ||
| I just looked to the side. | ||
| I go, where's my check? | ||
| I go, am I still getting paid? | ||
| And she's like, yes, yes. | ||
| And I went, no, I want to see the check. | ||
| I want to make sure. | ||
| While you're on stage? | ||
| Because I always was under this impression like, you have to do your time to get paid. | ||
| And they're getting me off before my time. | ||
| So are they going to not pay me? | ||
| So I want that $500, and I'm going, I was willing to stand up there for 35 more minutes and take the abuse. | ||
| I wanted the money so badly. | ||
| Don't you think, though, that you learn so much about your comedy from bombing? | ||
| Don't you think that it's the ultimate school? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| And right then I said, I go, let me see the check. | ||
| So they went and got the check. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's why I was up there four and a half minutes. | ||
| They had to go get the check, come back. | ||
| And then you got offstage. | ||
| I get off stage and they rush me out the back door. | ||
| Like people around me because they're afraid a riot's gonna start. | ||
| We go out the back door. | ||
| The stripper is waiting there. | ||
| And she's smoking weed with a couple guys out there. | ||
| And she goes, hey, where are you going? | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| You didn't see what just fucking happened? | ||
| She goes, yeah, that was some bullshit. | ||
| And I'm like, so she goes, stick around though. | ||
| You know, and bid on me. | ||
| I go, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Stick around and bid on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you fucking kidding me? | |
| Do you think they would have let it go? | ||
| The audience members would have forgotten? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I got her phone number. | ||
| She gave me her phone number. | ||
| She's like, "Give me a call sometime." And I get in the car. | ||
| This is like 1997 or '98 that this happened or whatever. | ||
| The guy drives me to the train station in a TR7. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| And it's this little black thing. | ||
| Triumph. | ||
| And he's so fucked up. | ||
| He's been drinking so much rum and he's driving like 100 miles an hour and I'm going because he wants to get back and I'm like, "Dude, slow the fuck down. | ||
| You're going to kill us. | ||
| And he goes, man, you suck. | ||
| He's like, you are terrible. | ||
| And I'm like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| And he's like, no, man. | ||
| I've seen comedians. | ||
| You're the worst I've ever seen. | ||
| And he's driving me to the train station telling me how bad I am. | ||
| And he's a black dude? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I get on the train. | ||
| It was the most racist I've ever been in my life because I'm just looking at every black person like blaming them for what happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine living your whole life like that. | ||
| Welcome to being black. | ||
| But I get home, and at the time I was living with my sister. | ||
| People constantly fucking with you? | ||
| I learned right then. | ||
| That was a great learning experience. | ||
| I get home, I'm living with my sister at the time. | ||
| This goes back to answering machine time. | ||
| People had answering machines and no cell phone. | ||
| Well, I must have called the stripper. | ||
| I don't even remember calling the stripper, but I must have. | ||
| Because my grandfather dies. | ||
| And we're on the way to my grandfather's funeral. | ||
| We had already just done the viewing or whatever when you go then from church and you go to the cemetery. | ||
| We're going to the cemetery. | ||
| I mean, my dad had one of those, like, he had a Cadillac, I remember, with a car phone built into the car. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| And it's my dad, my mom, and, like, two of my sisters and me. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| My sister decides to check her voicemail, the answer machine at home, and puts it on speaker. | ||
| And she listens to the stripper. | ||
| And I swear to God it comes on and goes, it's like next message, beep! | ||
| Hi Eddie, this is Heaven, the stripper you met out at SUNY Farmingdale. | ||
| She calls herself a stripper. | ||
| I'm just returning your call. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And my sister looks at me and goes, at Papap's funeral. | |
| That's what his name was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Papap? | |
| She goes, really? | ||
| At Papap's funeral? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Don't you think, though, that your comedy makes these big leaps after these horrible, disastrous bombings? | ||
| Yeah, you absolutely have to go through it. | ||
| I get fired up even if I see a bad review online. | ||
| I'll read 10 great reviews of a show that I was at, and then one guy says, I'm still waiting for my first laugh. | ||
| Fucking suck. | ||
| And I just get a little anxiety like, man, I gotta work harder. | ||
| But see, one bad one will... | ||
| I think that shit's good for you. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I'm different, and I don't want to blow smoke up your ass, but I need good comics to inspire me, and I see so much shit comic, and I saw you one night working out, and I was like, fuck! | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Fuck, he's going deep. | ||
| He's going deep and he's not afraid and he's fucking... | ||
| Like when you're doing the monkeys, we're just a bunch of monkeys on a rock spinning through... | ||
| And I'm like, fuck! | ||
| And I just went, fuck, I gotta go home and write. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Like one of those... | ||
| Well, that's awesome, man. | ||
| I said to you after the show, I go, fuck you. | ||
| And I had to hurry home and start just... | ||
| And I like to watch really good comics. | ||
| I'm one of these comics I love when I get to pick my middle act. | ||
| I love to bring the best fucking comedian I can bring. | ||
| Dude, I go on the road with Joey Diaz. | ||
| And does he just... | ||
| Joey Diaz is the funniest guy. | ||
| I've never laughed more at anybody ever in my life. | ||
| 23 years of being a comic. | ||
| Have you ever met anybody funnier than Joey? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, it's like a cartoon. | ||
| He's just explosive with energy. | ||
| He just makes you happy. | ||
| He's just ridiculous. | ||
| He makes you funnier, too. | ||
| He makes me funnier. | ||
| I'm funnier when I work with Joey. | ||
| I feel better. | ||
| Yeah, that's how this new Brian McCarthy is. | ||
| I feel the same way, but what you said. | ||
| I saw Dave Chappelle once at the Comedy Store, and I felt the same way. | ||
| I want to go home and write. | ||
| I'm totally inspired by great comics, too. | ||
| I saw Louis at the Improv in Hollywood, Louis C.K., and I wanted to go home and write. | ||
| It was a really great performance. | ||
| And Norton recently. | ||
| I saw Norton at Cap City in Austin. | ||
| Fucking great. | ||
| Same feeling. | ||
| I want to go write. | ||
| But I also get inspired by people who don't like me. | ||
| Yeah, even fucking, you know, haters online. | ||
| I can get a million people who love me. | ||
| Dude, it's the greatest fucking show I've ever seen. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And one person who's like, you know, fucking hang it up, stick to UFC. I'll go, oh, what, bitch? | ||
| You know, I'll get, like, fired up to, like... | ||
| It's good to zone them out, but it's good to be humble. | ||
| It's a bad feeling to have someone negatively critique your work. | ||
| It's a terrible feeling, but I think there's something to it that's good for an artist. | ||
| There's something that keeps you sort of humble and balanced, especially in this direct adulation relationship that you have with an audience. | ||
| You're immediately giving them what they want to hear, and they immediately laugh, and they tell you how much they love you. | ||
| You can get imbalanced by that. | ||
| You can get lazy. | ||
| I mean, we both know comics that got fucking super, super lazy. | ||
| And one of the reasons is, for whatever reason, there's not enough balance. | ||
| They got to a point where it was too easy for them, too many people being nice to them, and they lose it. | ||
| Chris Rock once had a really important thing that I read where he was talking about how he bombed really hard once going on after Martin Lawrence. | ||
| Martin Lawrence, which I did too, by the way, a bunch of times at the Comedy Store. | ||
| When I was on Hardball, the show that nobody ever saw on Fox, I would go on after a lot of guys at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Mitzi Shore, God bless her, did a tremendous amount for me early in my career. | ||
| And one of the things that she did for me, she always put me on the most devastating comedians in the night right on after them. | ||
| Like Dice Clay, I went off to Dice Clay a hundred times. | ||
| Richard Pryor. | ||
| I went in after Richard Pryor when he was in a wheelchair, when he couldn't even talk for five weeks. | ||
| Every time Martin Lawrence would have a set... | ||
| This is back when Martin Lawrence had that TV show. | ||
| He was a fucking destroyer. | ||
| I had never seen an Aston Martin either. | ||
| Martin Lawrence was in the back parking lot with an Aston Martin. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck is this thing? | ||
| Me and a couple other comics were circling around. | ||
| I was driving a Volkswagen Scirocco. | ||
| I was scratching my chin. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is this, man? | ||
| This thing's crazy. | ||
| And Martin would just devastate the main room. | ||
| I mean, devastate. | ||
| When Martin Lawrence was in his prime, that guy does not get enough respect. | ||
| Because if you go back and watch some of his old stand-up, he's just fucking funny. | ||
| And that show Martin, dude, that show, the writing was non-existent. | ||
| But he carried the whole show with all his characters and he pretended to be women. | ||
| He's fucking funny. | ||
| And I would be backstage, just like the Brewer night. | ||
| I mean, at least I'd been past the Brewer thing. | ||
| It happened a couple years before that. | ||
| So I had recovered and I knew how to get out of the gate strong. | ||
| It was a 90% black audience. | ||
| And I'm just ready to go on after him. | ||
| And he's crushing, crushing. | ||
| And then he's like, who's coming up next? | ||
| He has to bring me up. | ||
| So Martin Lawrence brings me up. | ||
| You know, he calls over to the piano guy. | ||
| The piano guy says, Joe Rogan. | ||
| And he goes, all right, y'all, give it up for this next comedian, Mr. Joe Rogan. | ||
| Very nice guy, he says. | ||
| And I just go up and eat a bag of shit. | ||
| Just a big manure bag that you would buy, like, at a fucking Farm Depot. | ||
| You know, just filled with shit. | ||
| I'm just chewing up. | ||
| And people are getting up in droves and leaving. | ||
| But all that stuff makes you way better. | ||
| It makes you a way better comic because you realize you don't ever want to feel that feeling. | ||
| It's like you feel the fire behind your feet and it makes you run faster. | ||
| You're only going to run a certain amount when you're not pushed. | ||
| I feel like... | ||
| It's funny, like, sometimes I just go, I'm shit, I suck now, blah blah blah. | ||
| But I don't realize that I don't have the ability to bomb like that anymore. | ||
| I mean, it can happen in a bad situation now, like something really fucked up happening. | ||
| But, like... | ||
| I used to have to, in New York, you know, a million times. | ||
| Esty used to do that at the cellar. | ||
| She'd just wait and put you up after the hardest person to make sure you were ready for it. | ||
| I had to follow Attell forever, every night in the cellar. | ||
| And that's how I got so dark because Attell would just, his jokes were so amazing and so dark, too, that it was like I had to go to a darker place than him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You almost have to, like, pick up the frequency where he leaves it off. | ||
| And I remember just bombing so bad in the cellar. | ||
| That I would just start just like, what's it, fucking freestyling, just saying the worst things I could say, like talking about killing babies and shit, like trying to get out of this horrible hole that I would just shock the fuck out of the audience. | ||
| And it never works. | ||
| And it was like... | ||
| That never works. | ||
| It was almost like if you go into a zone, though, of like, I'm going to pretend like they're not here and I'm just going to keep saying this shit and hopefully they're going to come around because this is so painful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I'm in this terrible, terrible bomb. | ||
| But I mean, I had... | ||
| Like, I watched you on... | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Caroline's Comedy Hour. | ||
| That's where I saw you first when I was like a little kid that I didn't even do comedy. | ||
| And I'm like watching you and you were dirty. | ||
| I remember you and Sarah were on it and Sarah was dirty. | ||
| And so as a little kid, I'm like, these are good comics. | ||
| These two. | ||
| These are comedians. | ||
| It was so hard for me back then to even come up with seven minutes of material that I could do on TV. I would have to sit down and go over my shit. | ||
| I was like, God, I can't do that bit. | ||
| I can't do this bit. | ||
| I might have had an hour of material. | ||
| I might have had five I could do. | ||
| But I couldn't imagine you bombing because of the way your act was. | ||
| You had the confidence and the dirtiness and everything. | ||
| So I was like, this guy can't bomb. | ||
| So you probably had a lot less bombs than I've had. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, I've had a bunch, man. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| I don't know how many you've had, but especially at the store, I had a gang of them in the early days. | ||
| When I was going on after... | ||
| You know, like really good comics over and over and over again. | ||
| I had quite a few bombings. | ||
| But the early days were way worse. | ||
| The open mic days were fucking brutal. | ||
| Because you're really not supposed to be up there talking. | ||
| You're really not good enough. | ||
| And then, look, Brian... | ||
| up he's been doing open mic nights just for a short period of time so you're in that kind of zone area where you're learning it and figuring it out you're in that stage of your life where sometimes you know i've seen you go on stage and you're trying out a new joke and it just doesn't work and you're just fucked you know you're just stuck in this rut you know you're right there right now right well i had a horrible thing the other day where somebody i knew uh was sitting in the front row and they thought oh this is awesome i | ||
| I could talk to Brian while he's on stage. | ||
| And so the whole time, she's just making me go, meow, meow, meow. | ||
| I said something like, oh, I just broke up with my ex. | ||
| I hate that bitch. | ||
| And she's like, oh, whatever. | ||
| You're not over her. | ||
| And I said it loud enough where it kept on fucking me up. | ||
| And then it just throws you off. | ||
| And I felt it. | ||
| I felt way off my tracks. | ||
| I haven't really felt like bomb. | ||
| You gave me anxiety. | ||
| Except for that. | ||
| Because I had to go on afterwards, and I was like, this bitch gonna talk to me? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| She gonna talk to me too? | ||
| You're good at shutting him up now. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't want to. | ||
| I don't want to. | ||
| I'd rather not. | ||
| People always say, oh, you're so good with hecklers, you must love it when people talk shit. | ||
| No. | ||
| I want everybody to have fun. | ||
| I don't want to have to ruin someone's mind. | ||
| The Bob Hope joke, one that I've talked a few times on the podcast before, when I did that and I was booed and hissed, I took off comedy for five years. | ||
| You know, so... | ||
| It's a funny joke. | ||
| Bob Hope died. | ||
| He goes, did you hear Bob Hope died? | ||
| Yeah, they're gonna fly out his body to entertain all the dead troops. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's a great fucking bit. | ||
| It was the day he died, though, and it was, like, right during, like, you know, after... | ||
| Brian's got some great jokes. | ||
| Can I say what my favorite joke of yours is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which one? | |
| The ones you're doing right now? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| About your dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| He goes, I have a bunch of cats and dogs from other relationships. | ||
| It's like whenever we break up, I keep their cat and I keep their dog. | ||
| He goes, and they all have the same personality as the girls that I was dating. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| Like, all of them hate it when I come in their face. | ||
| Now I break it down to each animal. | ||
| There's a CUNY in Chris Wainhouse from Australia. | ||
| I think he's a Kiwi, but he lives in Australia and he's really dark and really funny. | ||
| Really good joke writer. | ||
| What's a Kiwi? | ||
| A New Zealander. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And his name is Chris Wayne. | ||
| I should have known that. | ||
| And he writes jokes. | ||
| He writes a ton. | ||
| On Twitter, I don't know his name on Twitter, but he writes tons of jokes all the time. | ||
| He did a joke about the Crocodile Hunter the day the Crocodile Hunter died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And somebody in the audience yells out, too soon! | ||
| And he goes, too soon? | ||
| I would have done that joke on the fucking boat. | ||
| I said something about the Crocodile Hunter when he died and I actually felt bad about it. | ||
| And the reason why I felt bad about it was, you know, what I said was, I go, he dies, I go, my act gains 10 minutes, I don't see the loss. | ||
| That's what I wrote on a message board. | ||
| And I just, you know, flippantly, you know, comics, we all say shit like that just to fuck with each other. | ||
| Like, have you ever done the Opie and Anthony show? | ||
| No, never done it. | ||
| Great fucking show. | ||
| And it's, everyone tries to say that, like, Louis C.K. will say the meanest shit to Norton, who will say the meanest shit to O.B. They say the meanest shit back to, but it's not real. | ||
| It's like, you're trying to get laughs. | ||
| And someone said, you know, hey man, this guy has like a family and children. | ||
| What if his children read that? | ||
| And I went, oh shit. | ||
| And I thought about it. | ||
| I'm like, okay, I don't even really think that. | ||
| I don't even really believe that. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And I was really mad at myself because I would have totally written a Crocodile Hunter bit if it wasn't for the fact that I felt bad that I said that, which was very short-sighted and it wasn't really even funny. | ||
| It was just like a quick, easy, cheap, like, jibe. | ||
| And I thought about it, and I said, God damn it, I fucked myself out of a good crocodile hunter bit now. | ||
| Because, for sure, that's like right up my alley. | ||
| You know, like, I'm fucking, no one's more fascinated by predatory animals than me. | ||
| And when a dude who fucks with animals his entire career, look, it's a snake, I've got a mimicry, When a guy like that fucking gets killed by an animal, I mean, there's a fucking wealth of material there. | ||
| I said in Australia, I said before he died, I watched the show. | ||
| They all think America loves the Crocodile Hunter. | ||
| Most of us do. | ||
| Because they're not as into him as we are. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| They all kind of think he's a freak and they're not that... | ||
| Do Australians have a thing about Australians who become famous somewhere else and then come back? | ||
| It's called tall poppy syndrome. | ||
| They try to cut down the tall flower. | ||
| Yeah, because Jeffries was pissed because he would go back to Australia and people wouldn't buy tickets to his show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| You know, he's like, I've got a fucking HBO special. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's my worst Jeffrey Dox ever. | ||
| He doesn't have a lot to complain about right now. | ||
| Things are going well. | ||
| Oh, he's doing great. | ||
| But my joke was, I'm watching the show. | ||
| I admit I watch the show, and I watch it every day, hoping every day will be that day. | ||
| Because it's going to happen. | ||
| You know, you put your head in fucking crocodiles' mouths and then when he died, you know, it was like a funny joke. | ||
| Everyone used to laugh at it. | ||
| Then when he died, my agent over in Australia called me and he goes, mate, you're fucked. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| He goes, they're playing your clip on the radio. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| So these two DJs were playing at this one station. | ||
| They thought it was kind of funny just playing my bit over and over. | ||
| So I thought, oh, this is fucking... | ||
| I'm dead. | ||
| In America, I would have gone into hiding. | ||
| Yeah, but not so. | ||
| Aussies wrote to me like, mate, you're fucking champion, mate. | ||
| We're listening to this podcast. | ||
| And I was like, I want to go to Australia more. | ||
| These guys are fucking cool. | ||
| They're fun, man. | ||
| You know what I love? | ||
| They call you a legend. | ||
| You're a legend, mate. | ||
| Champion and a legend. | ||
| They say that in England all the time. | ||
| You're a legend, mate. | ||
| You're a legend. | ||
| You're a legend, mate. | ||
| All right, speaking of legend, before we get out of here, I found the Bill O'Reilly thing, and I got to read it because it's so fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Whenever you think about Bill O'Reilly, no matter what, you think about his opinions, this is what you need to know. | ||
| This is some fucking voicemail that he left from some woman Her name was Andrea McCarris and she sued him for sexual harassment. | ||
| He goes, you would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and you would have your back to me and I would take the loofah thing and kind of soap up your back, rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water. | ||
| You know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you, and you'd still be with your back to me, and then I would kind of put my arm... | ||
| It's one of those mitts, one of those loofah mitts, you know? | ||
| So I got my hand in it, and I would put it around in front, kind of rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then my other hand would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard, because I like that, and you have really spectacular boobs. | ||
| So anyway, I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kind of kissing your neck from behind, Is it wrong that I have a boner right now? | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| And then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing. | ||
| The falafel? | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| And just put it on your pussy. | ||
| But you'd have to do it real light. | ||
| Just kind of... | ||
| A tease business. | ||
| What a fucking goofy concept. | ||
| Any chick is gonna hear that and go, oh yeah, loofah sponge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what I was just thinking. | |
| Who's gonna get off on this shit? | ||
| Old broken people. | ||
| He's like trying to romance her, you know? | ||
| I'm like, can I choke you? | ||
| Is falafel like a Jewish food? | ||
| Falafel? | ||
| Yeah, Middle Eastern food, but I don't think that's what he meant. | ||
| I want a sloppy with some hummus. | ||
| A falafel thing? | ||
| That's not what he meant. | ||
| I want to shove some chickpeas up your pussy. | ||
| Just use the wrong word, maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But understand that this is the kind of human being you're dealing with. | ||
| And all this shit that you see on the fucking... | ||
| In the public eye, it's just nonsense. | ||
| You know, it's just what we said before, that people, when they become famous and they get adulation, they start all of a sudden believing the bullshit. | ||
| They believe their own hype. | ||
| It's step one to losing it all. | ||
| Like R. Kelly in his fucking Zoo song. | ||
| You got that, bitch? | ||
| Yeah, do you want to play it at the end, though? | ||
| So we can cut it out at the very end? | ||
| Yeah, let's cue it up. | ||
| Cue it up and we'll play it at the very end. | ||
| Do you know the Angelica Houston? | ||
| I think it was her that said it. | ||
| She goes, I go by the motto, never pick it up, never put it down. | ||
| Like, if you don't take the adulations, you can't take the criticism. | ||
| Like, focus on yourself. | ||
| Don't focus on, like, what other people say. | ||
| And I try to do that. | ||
| But you can learn from people, though. | ||
| But when you walk out of a show and people, you're great, you're great. | ||
| That's just your opinion because you're going to hear you suck too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so that way I don't take the you're great. | ||
| I just go, oh, thanks. | ||
| But I don't let it soak in because otherwise... | ||
| You know what I like hearing? | ||
| I like hearing we had a great time. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| That's what I like hearing. | ||
| I don't want to hear you're great. | ||
| I mean, if you think that, thank you very much. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| I'm working hard. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| I do it all for... | ||
| Whoever likes to see the comedy. | ||
| That's what I'm doing it for. | ||
| I think you alter your motivation as you get older and as you get more successful and as you kind of get a better understanding of what you're doing as an artist. | ||
| And I think initially, I just wanted to get laughs. | ||
| I just wanted for me. | ||
| I wanted to prove that I could be good at this. | ||
| I wanted to get some success. | ||
| I wanted to do it for me. | ||
| But then once you get the success, then you have to change. | ||
| Your motivation has to change. | ||
| And it has to become, in order to stay good and to stay relevant, you have to, it has to become about the art. | ||
| You have to be obsessed with creating good stuff. | ||
| You have to be obsessed with doing something that people are going to enjoy. | ||
| Those pops of brilliance when a new bit comes to life. | ||
| Did you go through a change though? | ||
| Because I remember like when I watched you when I was younger and I was like, oh, I liked you because at that point in my life I was into like, I wanted to hear like tits and ass and fucking pussy. | ||
| And that's, to me, you were that kind of comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I, Evening the improv was guys with their sleeves rolled up going, what's the deal with? | ||
| And you were going, you know, fuck that pussy. | ||
| Well, I was a savage. | ||
| I mean, you think about how I got into stand-up comedy. | ||
| I was a fucking kickboxer. | ||
| But then you changed. | ||
| Now you do this kind of intellectual-type material that's like what you talk about now. | ||
| Well, when I was 21, I still have a million dick jokes, but when I was 21, I had nothing to say about anything else. | ||
| I had no opinions. | ||
| I had no opinions on society. | ||
| I had no opinions on life. | ||
| I didn't think about religion at all, except it scared me, you know, because I went to Catholic school when I was little. | ||
| All I thought about when I was 21 was pussy. | ||
| That is all. | ||
| I was a fucking savage. | ||
| That's all I thought about. | ||
| Here I was, a former martial arts teacher and fighter who is now a professional comic, and I was making my living Working in bars and doing stand-up and trying to make girls like me. | ||
| I mean, that's what I was doing. | ||
| And all I was obsessed with, yeah, all I was obsessed with was fucking. | ||
| And people would say that to me, like, your act is all about sex. | ||
| And why is your act all about sex? | ||
| Because I'm fucking 22 and my hormones are black. | ||
| Blasting inside of my body like a broken fire hydrant slamming against the walls of my heart. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| That's all I'm thinking about. | ||
| I don't know anything else. | ||
| I had no opinions. | ||
| I could say sex jokes on stage and people could laugh. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because these are things that I was actually thinking about, so I had actual humorous points of view on it. | ||
| And people would say, well, your act is so dirty. | ||
| Am I supposed to not talk about what I'm obsessed with? | ||
| Should I talk about what you're obsessed with? | ||
| I guess I should have balance. | ||
| I mean, it did go through a long time where, you know, especially if I do like a half an hour set, it was too much sex talk. | ||
| It was like, enough already, dude. | ||
| You must have something else. | ||
| You know, how many cum shot jokes can you have? | ||
| You know, but it's... | ||
| As I got older, then I started, you know, looking at the world and, you know, then, you know, actually thinking about things and then actually forming opinions and, you know, and deeply considering those opinions before I ever thought about taking them to the stage. | ||
| I mean, I had opinions about things for years and years before I ever tried to, like, put them in a humorous situation. | ||
| It was just, you know, a matter of developing as a human being. | ||
| But, you know, as your motivation changes and as your perception changes, I mean, you just mature, you grow, you think about things differently. | ||
| No, but is your audience, your UFC audience, the guys that are MMA guys and that kind of stuff, are they on the same mindset as you now with your kind of material? | ||
| Dude, you'd be amazed, first of all, about UFC fans. | ||
| First of all, the broad spectrum of UFC fans. | ||
| There's some fucking brilliant, intelligent UFC fans. | ||
| I've met some people in the mixed martial arts business, whether they're trainers or competitors or... | ||
| People who just do it as a hobby or involved in a management aspect. | ||
| Fucking brilliant people who are huge fans of the sport. | ||
| I met a bunch of them. | ||
| Like the guys who own the UFC. They're fucking smart people, man. | ||
| They're not cavemen. | ||
| Dana White's crazy and he swears a lot and stuff, but he's a fucking really introspective, a very considerate and compassionate person. | ||
| Dana White recently saved some Thailand girl. | ||
| There was a girl who needed, I believe it was liver surgery, and she was the daughter of a trainer at Tiger Muay Thai. | ||
| Somebody put a thread about it on the underground that this girl's going to die unless she gets this surgery within the next eight weeks. | ||
| Dana White fucking paid for all of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He's like one of those guys. | ||
| He's not an asshole. | ||
| He's not a meathead. | ||
| He's a really good dude. | ||
| Everybody looks at cage-fighting fans and they think, oh, they must be assholes with skulls in their shirts. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of them are, but a lot of them aren't. | ||
| Even the assholes with skulls in their shirts, they can be led. | ||
| Everybody can look at things in a more fun, friendly way. | ||
| Well, I'd imagine that, like, cage fighters to themselves are kind of perfectionist kind of guys. | ||
| And, like, what was that thing? | ||
| I texted you one day and asked you about the quote about if you can do one thing well, you can do... | ||
| Yeah, Miyamoto Musashi. | ||
| That's why I got this tattoo. | ||
| See that shit? | ||
| Musashi versus a tiger? | ||
| I do that CrossFit stuff, and all the guys I do CrossFit with are obsessive-compulsive and very intellectual. | ||
| You find these guys are great athletes, and you would think they're just dumb, fucking, you know, can climb a rope and fucking powerlift, you know, deadlift 500 pounds. | ||
| But you start finding out they know everything about nutrition and then everything about this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And discipline. | ||
| Dumb people are not disciplined. | ||
| Dumb people can work hard if they're in a football camp and the coach is screaming at you every day or if you're in the army or something like that. | ||
| But you have to motivate yourself to go to the gym and you have to motivate yourself to buy the proper nutrition. | ||
| That takes intelligence. | ||
| It takes a certain amount of discipline. | ||
| Yeah, so I've seen that these mixed martial arts, because I would say that them, the guys that do fight and are really into it, are probably good fans that really get all your material and get into the intellectual shit. | ||
| But I'm thinking the average guy that likes to sit at home and goes, hey, I just want to see some fucking blood! | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Does he come to your show and be like, tell me a dick joke? | ||
| Yeah, there's that. | ||
| But you know what, man? | ||
| I try very hard to make sure that my jokes are first and foremost funny. | ||
| Whatever my point of view is on something, it has to be digestible to a lot of people. | ||
| There's some weird shit that I might think is funny that if I had an audience filled with only... | ||
| Guys like you or Duncan or someone who's a very smart person that's of a certain age, I could talk to about almost anything. | ||
| I would do different material if it was just you guys. | ||
| But to an audience full of a bunch of people, first of all, I want everybody to have fun. | ||
| I want a joyous, fun, festive atmosphere. | ||
| I want it to be like an hour-long party. | ||
| But a party filled with ideas and thoughts. | ||
| You know that I'm not coming from a place of ego. | ||
| I'm not an egomania. | ||
| I'm coming from a place of, let's just figure this out. | ||
| Let's try to put this all together. | ||
| It's not about me. | ||
| It's about these ideas. | ||
| It's about fun. | ||
| It's about having a good goddamn time up there. | ||
| So it's the ideas, but I've got a lot of weird shit in my act about time travel and the Large Hadron Collider, and there's some shit that... | ||
| Sometimes when I'm on stage, I go, God damn, I'm taking these motherfuckers down a fucking twisty road here. | ||
| I hope they're with me. | ||
| I hope they're with me when the punchlines come, because after five minutes of Large Hadron Collider rant, when I get to the end, they're like, what the fuck is he talking about? | ||
| People are taking notes. | ||
| I better go home and read about this shit. | ||
| I think, you know, initially, I... Sort of, you know, did comedy just to try to get laughs. | ||
| And this is what I always say, that there's like a bunch of different stages of comedy. | ||
| I think the first stage is you do anything you can to get a laugh. | ||
| You know, I mean, I'm sure you've said some hacky lines in your life that you're embarrassed about. | ||
| I mean, I look back the last time, I think in 1997 or 90, no, earlier than that. | ||
| I was on news radio, though. | ||
| It was like 95, 96. I told some woman, hey, I don't come to your job and slap the dicks out of your mouth. | ||
| I couldn't believe I still used that. | ||
| I used it one time. | ||
| It was in Montreal at the Comedy Works. | ||
| Some chick said something. | ||
| And right after I said it, I'm like, man, really? | ||
| You didn't even dig into your bag. | ||
| You just grabbed the most obvious, stupid, hacky line. | ||
| I still think about that to this day. | ||
| I think initially, you're just trying to get laughs. | ||
| And then once you get good, then it goes from, what makes me laugh? | ||
| Instead of just trying to make anybody laugh with a tool. | ||
| Like, I have a hammer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at my hammer. | |
| I'm going to hit the nail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dong! | |
| Then it becomes your perspective. | ||
| This actually is funny to me. | ||
| And then it becomes, how do you make someone laugh with your opinions on things? | ||
| What are your unique points of view? | ||
| That you can somehow or another turn into comedy. | ||
| So to me, there's been three stages in my life. | ||
| The first stage was just say anything, even if you didn't believe in it. | ||
| I said a lot of stupid shit about gay people, about whatever the fuck I was... | ||
| If I thought it would work. | ||
| To me, it was like, is this a brick? | ||
| Can I kill a rat with it? | ||
| Let's kill a rat. | ||
| It was just a tool. | ||
| I think I followed your model, and I'm just years behind you doing the same thing. | ||
| The good analogy I heard was golf. | ||
| They said when you learn to golf... | ||
| Just fucking hit the ball as far as you can fucking hit it and then hone your swing and bring it in instead of trying to hit it right and then trying to hit it far. | ||
| So try to kill it first. | ||
| Just try to learn how to kill. | ||
| And once you kill, you'll get all that confidence and you'll never be scared. | ||
| And then hone in the good, really creative, interesting jokes with your point of view. | ||
| But you can't go out there initially with that. | ||
| Some guys probably have. | ||
| They try, but they seem so pretentious, especially when you're 20 and you're breaking down the government. | ||
| Please shut the fuck up. | ||
| Please go get hit in the head by a ball. | ||
| Please get punched. | ||
| Go do something where you develop some character. | ||
| We'll talk about this off-air, but there's someone who does that right now. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| There's a lot of people who do it. | ||
| Well, you know, you want to be somebody, man. | ||
| You want to be Bill Hicks, you know? | ||
| There's a great fucking... | ||
| The Atlanta Punchline, one of the great clubs. | ||
| You ever worked there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I did the other one. | |
| One of the best clubs in the country. | ||
| Fucking fantastic club. | ||
| Anyway, the Atlanta Punchline has a back room, like a green room, and it's got a bunch of shit written on the wall. | ||
| And one thing that I took a picture of, I put it on my MoBlog, back when I had a MoBlog. | ||
| I've got to find it. | ||
| It must be on my... | ||
| It said, Quit Trying to Be Hicks. | ||
| It's on FragMob. | ||
| You still have an account at FragMob. | ||
| Do I? Oh, okay. | ||
| Well, go check that shit out, bitches. | ||
| Check this out, Joe. | ||
| Redpancake.net. | ||
| I don't think I need to see that. | ||
| Don't go to redpancake.net. | ||
| It's some sort of horrible venereal disease some poor fuck has. | ||
| Brian wants you to look at it. | ||
| Eddie, where are you going to be next, man? | ||
| I am in Australia, pretty much. | ||
| We've got a lot of Australian people that listen to the show, so tell us where. | ||
| Yeah, I'm doing the Adelaide Fringe Festival. | ||
| I'll be at the Arts Theatre for 10 nights only, and then I'm doing Brisbane. | ||
| Only? | ||
| 10 nights in a row? | ||
| Jesus Christ, I've never done 10 nights anywhere. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's pretty cool. | |
| 450 seats, so start buying tickets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddamn. | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| You've packed places in Australia, huh? | ||
| It's going well. | ||
| I'm really happy. | ||
| Is that weird to be super famous in another country? | ||
| I'm not super famous at all. | ||
| I mean, ours is super famous. | ||
| I'm happy with how it's going, but I would like to see the same. | ||
| I told you yesterday, I go, it's not like, I love Australia. | ||
| It's a great fucking place. | ||
| I love to surf. | ||
| But you want to do the same thing here. | ||
| Yeah, I just, you know, I like being around my family and I want my parents to not think I'm a failure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Holla at your boy. | ||
| So, what is your website? | ||
| EddieIft.com. | ||
| And on Twitter, it's Eddie Ift. | ||
| Facebook. | ||
| I'm on Facebook. | ||
| Facebook. | ||
| And Facebook is easy to find. | ||
| And our podcast is Talking Shit. | ||
| Yeah, and your podcast, is it back up now? | ||
| If you Google it, you will find it. | ||
| You don't have to go through iTunes. | ||
| Everybody thinks you have to go through iTunes. | ||
| So, Libsyn has it. | ||
| Libsyn has it. | ||
| It's available no matter what. | ||
| All the episodes are available. | ||
| And you can get to Libsyn, I assume, from EddieF.com. | ||
| EddieF.com. | ||
| And they just took it down because of the name. | ||
| They took it down because of the title. | ||
| Yeah, in the title. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And we fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, he got lucky. | |
| They didn't take it down from, I guess I have to eat this guy's cunt. | ||
| They should have taken it down from that. | ||
| Yeah, we just do a podcast number one. | ||
| Yeah, that's what we should have done. | ||
| We just have the guests. | ||
| I understand their thing, trying to keep children away from explicit stuff. | ||
| We fucked up. | ||
| We fucked up. | ||
| I don't think they have a filter, though. | ||
| You think they would have some kind of same thing? | ||
| They do, and that's what they did. | ||
| They bumped us off for breaking the rules, and we just didn't know, and... | ||
| Yeah, so they killed all your feed and now you have to get a whole new feed? | ||
| Yeah, we're going to have to get a whole new feed. | ||
| So all your subscribers, you have 35,000 subscribers. | ||
| I think more now. | ||
| Wow, you lost them all. | ||
| And we're going to lose all our subscribers. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| So we're going to have to re-subscribe. | ||
| So please, folks, go to iTunes and re-subscribe. | ||
| Is it up now? | ||
| I don't think it's up until tomorrow. | ||
| Okay, go to eddief.com and download it. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Eddief is hilarious and Jim Jeffries is hilarious too. | ||
| So the podcast is a Fucking can't miss, you dirty bitches. | ||
| Joe's going to be there someday. | ||
| He's going to drive all the way to Venice and do our fucking show. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to do it. | ||
| I am going to do it. | ||
| Tell me when. | ||
| We'll work it out. | ||
| Tell me when. | ||
| Maybe next week. | ||
| You heard it. | ||
| Maybe next week. | ||
| Are you guys around next week? | ||
| Yeah, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. | ||
| Okay, maybe we'll figure out next week. | ||
| I know I was supposed to do Tuesday with... | ||
| What's that dude's name? | ||
| Jean LaJoy from The League. | ||
| How do you say his name? | ||
| I think he said it right. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| Some of his fucking songs on YouTube are genius. | ||
| And he's actually a fan of the podcast and actually asked to be on. | ||
| I don't want to brag or anything, but he's coming on. | ||
| So he's going to be on next Thursday. | ||
| So maybe I'll do it someday next week. | ||
| I'll figure it out. | ||
| Venice. | ||
| Talking shit. | ||
| And we will definitely put that shit on Twitter and let everybody know. | ||
| And we'll try to get you guys back on iTunes by then. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight. | ||
| Again, The Fleshlight sponsors the show. | ||
| Thank you very much to them. | ||
| And you get 15% off if you type in the name Brogan. | ||
| This Friday night, I am at Mandalay Bay Theater with Joe Diaz and Ari Shafir. | ||
| I'm getting some messages where people are saying it's sold out, but I don't know if that's true. | ||
| It's very close, though. | ||
| And it will by the time Showtime rolls around, which is tomorrow night. | ||
| And then tonight, Ari Shafir has a storytell show at the Improv. | ||
| And I'm going to go down and fuck around there, too. | ||
| So that's it for the show this week for iTunes. | ||
| And right after I say goodbye, we're going to play this R. Kelly song, The Zoo, because it's the most fucking ridiculous, brilliant thing that's ever happened. | ||
| And exactly what we're talking about when it comes to celebrity turning someone into a crazy person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Love you, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Love you, bitches. | |
| I wanna kiss. | ||
| I wanna freak. | ||
| I wanna sex. |
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