July 6, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:58:54
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Bam! | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, day 27. Is that what it is, Brian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Week 27? | ||
| Or podcast 27, right? | ||
| We did two in a week once. | ||
| That was a crazy week. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to the weekly Ustream podcast. | ||
| It's been fucking weekly, man. | ||
| Actually, it's 29. We're way late. | ||
| Podcast 29. It's amazing that we kept with it for this long. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's also amazing that I never did anything like this before. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It takes me so long to get into a groove with anything. | ||
| It took me so long to accept email lists and MySpace and all that shit. | ||
| For the longest time, I was like, I don't want to get involved in promoting myself. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Fuck advertising shows. | ||
| Just get on the radio and just do it like normal. | ||
| But then you see all these other dudes that are doing it that way and they're doing so well with it. | ||
| What happened to your shit? | ||
| I think MySpace is the first one that actually went crazy. | ||
| That made you realize the power of the internet. | ||
| Like Fleshlight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the MySpace days, that was the Comedy Store days, and when we were using the MySpace, the fucking Comedy Store was sold out every weekend, and it was just because of MySpace, which didn't... | ||
| Before then, man, you could never have... | ||
| They would have to drive by and just know that you're there because of the billboard, or just know that you're there because of word of mouth. | ||
| But we could throw it up on MySpace, and it was nothing. | ||
| Now... | ||
|
unidentified
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Or a schoolyard of paper boys going, Mr. Mr. MySpace is a fucking dinosaur. | |
| You know why? | ||
| Because MySpace didn't adapt. | ||
| I logged in last night. | ||
|
unidentified
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Did you? | |
| First time in, I think, like two months. | ||
| Went through three or four pages of people that were fake people asking me to talk and stuff like that. | ||
| One new person going, hey dude, here's my Facebook page. | ||
| Add me. | ||
| Yeah, every now and then I'll go and read a little bit of the fan mail, but it's just not worth it. | ||
| It's a graveyard. | ||
| It's like going to Chernobyl after the blast and talking to the people that are still there. | ||
| Like, God, man, get out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
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Why are you here? | |
| What are you using MySpace for? | ||
| Patton Oswalt use MySpace still, though. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, before we get going, our podcast is sponsored by The Fleshlight. | ||
| I show it every week, and I don't know if that's like, I feel like one of Barker's beauties. | ||
| I'm supposed to be demonstrating the product. | ||
| But what it is, is basically a masturbation tool, if you haven't used it before. | ||
| We talk about it every week. | ||
| It's fucking fantastic. | ||
| As far as beating off, if you beat off, and I know you do, it's way better than just regular beating off. | ||
| It's not that much money. | ||
| How much money does it cost, Brian? | ||
| I don't know, but you get 15% off if you go on your website. | ||
| You don't know how much at all? | ||
| I think it's like $69, $59. | ||
| Let's find out for these nice people. | ||
| I did your tip, though, this week, and it's kind of, of course, a crazy thing happened. | ||
| Every time I do anything with a flashlight, something crazy happens. | ||
| The warm water thing? | ||
| No, I put it outside to let it heat up. | ||
| Of course, my landlords often go out in the back to smoke, because they work above me. | ||
| And they see this rubber pussy out in the sun? | ||
| They saw it out in the sun. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| Because when I went to pick it up, they were sitting out there. | ||
| If you go to the flashlight, it says, this website contains explicit adult material. | ||
| How crazy is it that you go to a website that has rubber pussies, and they have this crazy fucking warning that you're about to see explicit adult material? | ||
| I mean, do they have porn on their site? | ||
| Okay, they have a guy and a girl. | ||
| Not even nudity. | ||
| Those girls have clothes on. | ||
| There was a guy and a girl in bed, but the girl had a bra and panties on. | ||
| And if you're looking at all these flashlights, man, it's like, okay, yeah, it's a rubber body part. | ||
| Is that really like something you need to have a little warning to click through? | ||
| You go to those sites where you see violence, you know, you don't see shit like that. | ||
| Yeah, why can you just walk into a hustler store without them stopping and telling you the same thing? | ||
| There's not a lot of hustler stores out there in the world, is there? | ||
| There's stores just like it. | ||
| Like porn stores. | ||
| That is one of those weird things when we go on the road and we see these fucking towns. | ||
| If you go to... | ||
| What's a good example of one that had a bunch of them? | ||
| Youngstown, Ohio. | ||
| I was doing shows in Youngstown, Ohio and there's a bunch of those. | ||
| Little, sad, 24-hour, neon-lit adult shops. | ||
| That's just like reluctant body maintenance. | ||
| Poor, sad fucks. | ||
| And those places just wandering around, looking depressed, Pushing those beads apart. | ||
| It's like, why do they have to use beads? | ||
| Beads make fucking noise, right? | ||
| When you push those beads apart and they click and you go back into the dirty, dirty area and see all the cocksucking videos and shit. | ||
| I used to work at a video store that had an adult room and it was open 24 hours a day. | ||
| And it was kind of cool because you'd walk, you know, somebody would be walking up like a hot chick and you're like, please let them go in the adult room. | ||
| You know, of course, they just walk up and goes, you know, we're designing women season two, you know, or something. | ||
| The craziest thing happened is an old teacher of mine, first grade teacher, went in there, a woman, and got porn, and I could only hope it was for like a party. | ||
| You saw her? | ||
| Yeah, I waited on her. | ||
| She probably didn't recognize me because I was like 20, and she was like an older lady. | ||
| So this is your first grade teacher? | ||
| Yeah, first grade teacher. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| So first grade is what, seven, six? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| What is that, six? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| And because I rang her up, I also saw her last name was like Miss Ba-Ba-Ba, and I'm like, oh, that's totally her. | ||
| Anyway, she got the, that's when I found out that Sylvester Stallone did a porn called The Italian Stallion, and that's what she had got. | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't think that was real porn, though. | |
| I think it was one of those showtime, 3 o'clock in the morning porns. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I think that I thought, oh, this is for a gag. | ||
| This is for a party. | ||
| I accept this. | ||
| But see, I could also see her whole history, and it was like Big Black Dick 5. It was like she only rented porn. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| 68, 70 maybe she was. | ||
| She was 70. That bitch is a freak. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Just keeping it alive, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Woo! | |
| So you don't think that Italian Stallion was a real porn? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I never watched it. | ||
| I'm just talking out of my ass, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it was like some fake 3 o'clock in the morning shit. | ||
| We had it at the porn side. | ||
| I saw a chick that I used to date in one of those fake 3 o'clock in the morning porns where a dude was fake boning her. | ||
| It's like the dude was just a little too low. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like she was like up high, a little too high. | ||
| You know, it's like you tell their groin isn't really touching. | ||
| Right. | ||
| One of those, you know? | ||
| It was really freaky. | ||
| I was by myself, and I was flipping through the channels, and it's like, whoa, here's a person that, you know, I hadn't seen her in years, a long time ago. | ||
| So it was like, I dated her over, you know, 12 years ago, 13, 14 years ago, even. | ||
| So seeing her, it was like, wow, this is kind of strange. | ||
| Like, I'm watching someone that I used to know, and then they're fucking in a movie. | ||
| Even though it's not real. | ||
| What do you think it's like if your high school sweetheart turns into Sasha Gray or something like that? | ||
| I can tell you what it's like. | ||
| I know what it's like. | ||
| It's weird, man. | ||
| I don't even like thinking about it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You don't know what it's like because in your situation, the person that If any person we're talking about is an actual real person. | ||
| Right. | ||
| These are people that you met when you knew that they already did that thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a big thing to have a girl have it be your girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| This is my girl. | ||
| Oh, and see her later. | ||
| And then there's some fucking brute just doggy styling her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And sweating and spitting on her and shit. | ||
| Ugh, you fucking bitch, you like that? | ||
| And you're like, whoa, that guy's fucking the shit out of my ex-girlfriend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially real porn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never found old porn of a girl I've dated. | ||
| Have you ever done that? | ||
| You're going through their old photos and they go, no, don't look at that! | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm not a snoopy motherfucker snooping around witches' laptops. | |
| Have you ever done that? | ||
| Where they're going through photos like, oh, this is my old boyfriend. | ||
| Oh, you don't want to see this photo. | ||
| No, but I do always get sad when girls try to make me jealous. | ||
| Like using that? | ||
| I've always been sad. | ||
| My whole life I've always thought that was one of the weakest things ever. | ||
| When someone... | ||
| You can tell the only reason why they're bringing this up or they're talking about their ex is to try to fuck with your head. | ||
| It never works. | ||
| It makes you feel uncomfortable. | ||
| But the uncomfort that I feel is, oh, you're not as cool as I thought you were. | ||
| And now you're creepy and you're trying to fuck with me. | ||
| Okay, can I talk you out of this? | ||
| Can I tell you that this is not necessary? | ||
| And we're just two people that... | ||
| We're enjoying each other's company, getting to know each other. | ||
| We don't have to play any stupid games that we've already played in the past. | ||
| We should all learn, right? | ||
| I played some stupid games when I was a little kid. | ||
| I had to learn that they were dumb. | ||
| So when someone doesn't know that games like that are dumb, like jealousy games, I'm like, fucking really? | ||
| You know, come on, man. | ||
| What am I, a fucking child? | ||
| Cut this shit. | ||
| So another guy fucked you? | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| Get out of here! | ||
| I couldn't... | ||
| I can't believe it! | ||
| You're hot and you're 26 and another guy's fucked you already? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Was this recent? | ||
| Was this... | ||
| That bitch is probably sucking somebody's dick an hour before she picked you up. | ||
| She's fucking crazy. | ||
| It makes me wonder if that shit ever goes away because it doesn't seem like it is. | ||
| Does my mom get in a fight with her boyfriend and just do stupid shit like that? | ||
| Yes, it goes away. | ||
| For sure it goes away. | ||
| With maturity, everything evolves. | ||
| The problem is when people go from one shit relationship to the next shit relationship and they never get traction. | ||
| As a human being. | ||
| Never get traction and never realize. | ||
| And if you have shit friends on top of that, which a lot of girls do, man. | ||
| Especially pretty girls. | ||
| A lot of pretty girls, their friends be hating. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's tough, man. | ||
| Because for them, it's like, if you're out with a pretty girl, if you're a girl and you're out with a pretty girl, no one is going to pay attention to you. | ||
| Everyone's going to pay attention to her. | ||
| And she didn't even do anything to deserve this. | ||
| She was just born this way. | ||
|
unidentified
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And you're so much funnier and so much cooler and you'd be so much better girlfriend. | |
| And you will get crazy for that bitch and you'll try to trip her up. | ||
| You'll want her to fail. | ||
| You'll hope she falls and breaks her fucking nose. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| You're tired. | ||
| She's stealing from you. | ||
| She's stealing male attention from you. | ||
| That's how a lot of chicks feel about hot chicks, man. | ||
| They don't like it. | ||
| So anything like that, man, if that's your situation... | ||
| If you're around people like that that are douchey to you and you're around ex-boyfriends who are douchey to you, you can get into a bad grind where you just automatically get douchey first because you think they're going to get douchey first and you want to get the upper hand. | ||
| You ever get in those relationships where you can tell that someone's fucking with you just to get the upper hand and expecting more? | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
| And the worst is when you go with it just to see where it goes. | ||
| The worst for me is if I get involved in it and I haven't been working out. | ||
| Especially when I was younger. | ||
| Dude, when I was younger, I did not have such a good judgment, and I still don't sometimes, about when to argue and when to just go, what the fuck am I arguing over? | ||
| Back then, I just argued automatically. | ||
| I'm like, you're not going to stop me from arguing. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| And it would just turn ugly every time. | ||
| Every time I got in an argument with somebody, it would turn ugly. | ||
| But as I got older, any kind of relationship like that, when shit comes up, I try very, very hard now to just look at it and go, what is the purpose of all this? | ||
| Who gives a shit if you're right? | ||
| Who gives a shit if you're wrong? | ||
| Here's what I want. | ||
| I want to be around people that I enjoy talking to. | ||
| And I know there can't really be this many problems that we fight all the time. | ||
| If there's this many problems that we fight all the time... | ||
| Where is that coming from? | ||
| That's got to be a personality thing because I don't have that many problems in my life. | ||
| My life's pretty smooth. | ||
| Most of the people in my life are very nice. | ||
| Most of the people in my life, we enjoy each other's company. | ||
| I mean, everybody has like here and there. | ||
| There'll be issues with any human being where someone sees something totally differently, but you can talk it through. | ||
| And if you're really good friends, you work it out and everything's cool and nobody ever gets ugly. | ||
| You know, but the real key, man, is finding other people that go along with that. | ||
| Because as soon as you go with someone who's used to douchey shit and is used to insulting you and is used to playing games, as soon as you go into that and you dive into that world, man, you're fucked. | ||
| No progress. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No fun. | ||
| And then it's so hard to get out of it. | ||
|
unidentified
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So hard! | |
| And then once you get out of it, you're so sad because you got out of it and you have to get back in it just because you felt so sad for getting out of that. | ||
| Well, being alone, man, when you just got out of a relationship and then all of a sudden you're alone and lonely, Those are the darkest, emptiest, most hollow moments as an adult human being. | ||
| That feeling is a terrible, terrible feeling. | ||
| Most people just aren't equipped to understand rationally what's really going on. | ||
| Like, why are you so upset? | ||
| How much of this is just evolutionary? | ||
| How much is this that's been designed into the whole human mechanism to feel dreadful every time you're left alone, to feel terrible every time you're rejected? | ||
| Being rejected by someone you don't even know is brutally painful. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Why would you even care? | ||
| If it was a dude who didn't like you, If you had no desire to fuck that person, if you just came up to a dude and a dude was like, look at you, you're not even good looking, you'd be like, fuck you, faggot. | ||
| You wouldn't care at all. | ||
| It wouldn't change your opinion of yourself at all. | ||
| But when a chick does it to you, it's devastating. | ||
| Especially if it's a chick that you're attracted to. | ||
| But it's all evolution. | ||
| It's all set up that way to try to get you to be as attractive as possible and to make very stringent standards that what people find and don't find attractive. | ||
| It's to make you operate at a higher level. | ||
| I think it's all just designed to make you work harder as a human being to become more impressive as a mate. | ||
| And in doing so and in becoming more impressive as a mate, you get to contribute more to society. | ||
| You'll create more energy. | ||
| You'll create more money. | ||
| You'll create more whatever you do. | ||
| Whether you're in technology, you'll innovate more. | ||
| If you're in art, you'll produce more art. | ||
| You want to prove your worth. | ||
| And so that craziness allows people to shine. | ||
| I can't find that girl, though. | ||
| I can't find that partner who's on the same level as me. | ||
| It seems like they always act like the same level, but then once you get into it, they were just kind of mimicking what they thought that level was supposed to be. | ||
| It is that, too, but it's also that they want you to be something that you're not. | ||
| They want you to be not even a real person. | ||
| A lot of people have an idea in their head that's really almost kind of based on movies. | ||
| What was it like before the 1800s? | ||
| Based on movies, totally better. | ||
| Yeah, everybody. | ||
| But that's how it is. | ||
| You see movies and everything works out fucking awesome in the movies. | ||
| And you go, well, that's what life is like, right? | ||
| Life is like this. | ||
| This is my model of life. | ||
| Sandra Bullock movies. | ||
| You get trapped in your head thinking, well, maybe he's not the one. | ||
| Maybe there is another one. | ||
| God damn, what is this crazy? | ||
| What about you? | ||
| Are you the one? | ||
| You're probably not the one. | ||
| It might be you. | ||
| The fucking problem might be you over and over again. | ||
| With everybody. | ||
| That's kind of like the fight club relationship where the whole time it actually is you. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Well, dude, I've been that guy. | ||
| I've totally been that guy. | ||
| Start arguments and relationships for no reason. | ||
| Just because I was frustrated with my own life, especially when I was really young. | ||
| I was like 20. When I was like 20 and 21, I would start stupid arguments with girls I was dating over nothing. | ||
| But it wasn't really them that was the problem. | ||
| It was really me. | ||
| It was really me being frustrated all the time with my life And trying to, like, being, like, hyper-ambitious and trying to, like, get ahead in my life, but really terrified that I was going to be a loser. | ||
| So I would, you know, always be, like, under stress. | ||
| And if, you know, anything annoyed me about a chick, I would, like, be like, why do you even talk like that? | ||
| Meanwhile, that's such a douchey thing to do, to take your frustrations out on someone else. | ||
| But when you're doing it, when you're wrapped up in it, man, especially if that's everyone in your family, that's everyone you're friends with, that's the only way you know. | ||
| It takes a long time to learn to not communicate shitty to people. | ||
| If you're stuck in like a shitty communication pattern, fuck that's hard to snap out of, man. | ||
| It's very hard. | ||
| Very hard to recognize how other people are seeing you. | ||
| Like so many people don't think that they come off as assholes. | ||
| They think they're just playing around and everybody's like, oh, this guy's such a douche. | ||
| Get him away from me. | ||
| It's like, what do you fuck? | ||
| You can't take a joke? | ||
| It's not a joke if I don't think it's funny. | ||
| It's not a joke if no one else is laughing but you. | ||
| That's not a joke. | ||
| That's you being a douchebag and laughing about being a douchebag. | ||
| What the fuck, Brian? | ||
| How do we fix the world? | ||
| Definitely not alcohol because it seems like more... | ||
| That's the anti-fixture. | ||
| Vegas really taught me a lot about alcohol. | ||
| Just seeing people on alcohol is just weird sometimes. | ||
| It does terrible things for your judgment. | ||
| I enjoyed myself so much more Saturday night. | ||
| I had water. | ||
| I drank water all night. | ||
| We went to that party. | ||
| Smoked a little weed. | ||
| It was fun, you know? | ||
| The problem with alcohol is everybody else is drinking too, and you wind up getting in stupid conversations over nothing. | ||
| Dude, we got to hang out with Doug Benson, and I've never really even talked to him before. | ||
| You know, I've seen him a couple times. | ||
| But hanging out with Doug Benson, Stone with a couple beers in us, I fucking had to dance off with him for, what, two hours? | ||
| Me and him were dancing. | ||
| I mean, I never fucking danced. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's a good dude. | |
| We really enjoyed hanging out with him. | ||
| He's a real good dude. | ||
| I've never really... | ||
| I've done his podcast before. | ||
| You know, I've seen him, like... | ||
| Here and there at clubs. | ||
| I talk to him every now and then. | ||
| But this is the most time I ever spent with him by far. | ||
| We went to dinner with him and talked to him a lot. | ||
| He's just cool, man. | ||
| Really cool guy. | ||
| And I always questioned how much he really enjoyed pot. | ||
| And I will never question his pot likeness again. | ||
| He fucking was smoking. | ||
| You really questioned it? | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| Stoners are always doing that. | ||
| He ain't legit. | ||
| Yeah, you know why? | ||
| And I've totally felt for something that happens to you every day almost. | ||
| It's where you go up to him like, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
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Come on, smoke weed. | |
| You want to smoke a joint? | ||
| And he's just like, no, what are you talking about? | ||
| But I mean, it's also like, you know, we're hanging out with other comics and stuff. | ||
| So it's a little different, but still. | ||
| That happens to me how often? | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Every time we're out at a club, it seems like. | ||
| Every time, everywhere. | ||
| And you're like, you don't know who these people are. | ||
| Like, they could have crazy shit in their weed. | ||
| Dude, I got your organ iron acid. | ||
| And I got to drive home and, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
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Double rainbows! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| When he's talking about Double Rainbow, look up Double Rainbow on YouTube. | ||
| Dude, have you heard the remix yet? | ||
| No, I don't want to see the remix. | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| Too much. | ||
| I even watched the whole video. | ||
| I watched like half of the video and I shut it off. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| He's freaking out over rainbows. | ||
| The remix, they did the robot voice with the voice and they edited it real quick. | ||
| Kind of like Tim and Eric. | ||
| Auto-tune. | ||
| Auto-tune. | ||
| And they edited it like Tim and Eric style. | ||
| How did that auto-tune shit catch on? | ||
| What the fuck happened to people, man? | ||
| Dude, I got T-Pain on my iPhone. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you like that stuff? | ||
| It's kind of cool just singing something that you thought of and then just changing the lyrics and the next thing you know you can actually make it into a real song. | ||
| Even if it's like you're going... | ||
| That song, that Drake song, It's Over, does he use that shit, autotune? | ||
| Because I kind of like that song. | ||
| Dude, I think everyone uses autotune in the pop industry right now. | ||
| The pop industry. | ||
| Like, Lindsay Lohan should be using pot. | ||
| The pot. | ||
| Autotune. | ||
| Lindsay's gonna do some time now, huh? | ||
| Yeah, 90 days. | ||
| Lindsay Lohan, if you don't know, ladies and gentlemen, Brian says... | ||
| Where'd you read this off of? | ||
| I watched it live on CBS. Live. | ||
| You know, they put it on video. | ||
| Live courtroom. | ||
| She's gonna do 90 days in jail. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| She has to turn herself in two weeks unless she suicides. | ||
| But she still has to wear the bracelet so she can't drink every day. | ||
| And they made it like a big deal. | ||
| Like, we want to switch to a blood... | ||
| A blood thing instead of, you know, the scram. | ||
| And the reason why she wants to do that, because if you drink alcohol at midnight, like by 4 a.m., it's not in your blood anymore. | ||
| And that's why Lindsay wants to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, that's hilarious. | |
| So it's so funny that, and the thing that really got to me was where the judge, like, heard Lindsay crying and stuff, and the judge finally goes, all right, you lied here, you lied here, you lied here, you lied here. | ||
| Next case, you lied here, you lied here. | ||
| Like, it went through, like, four cases of, like, seven cases. | ||
| I don't know if locking someone up in jail is the best way to deal with this, but this should all be a bright example to people. | ||
| A really prominent example to people how you shouldn't make your fucking kids famous. | ||
| How many kids have to become incredibly fucked up from being famous child actors before we look at it and go, this is nuts. | ||
| There's no way you should be doing that to a child. | ||
| There's no way you should be... | ||
| Developing as a human being, getting your shit together, getting your ego together is hard enough as it is. | ||
| But to have that developing and getting your shit together and then mix it with fame? | ||
| Dude, can you imagine like 10 years from now, Will Smith's kid's going to jump on your back and slice her necks? | ||
| Dude, no, he's probably just going to be sad. | ||
| Or who knows, man? | ||
| Will is a really brilliant guy. | ||
| He's a very smart guy. | ||
| He might figure out a way to raise his kid correctly through this, but... | ||
| What an incredible fucking chore. | ||
| What an incredible responsibility. | ||
| The amount of pressure you put on the kid because kids, you know, they can get spoiled so easy. | ||
| Their perspective can get fucked up so quickly. | ||
| They haven't really developed character. | ||
| And to have a kid really be in a position where he never really has to overcome the same adversity that the rest of us have, he just doesn't have the opportunity to develop the character that the rest of us are going to have. | ||
| The regular people that have to go through life and make their way as an adult and evolve as an adult and Being an adult without money where you're in a situation where you're like, wow, I've got to figure out a way to get through this. | ||
| To not have any fame whatsoever. | ||
| Have to get by on your personality instead of get by on the fact that you're famous when you were six. | ||
| I heard that the first eight years of your life, you learn 88% of what makes you who you are today. | ||
| From walking all the way to how you react to certain things and the rest is what you have to deal with. | ||
| Yeah, I've read some stuff about it up to two years old. | ||
| I didn't read up to eight, but it makes sense. | ||
| I mean, a lot of who you are as a human being is based on what kind of input you got when your mind was developing. | ||
| It only makes sense. | ||
| Your mind is going to prepare for a certain world. | ||
| You know, they say that babies born into really high-stress, violent families where there's a lot of shouting and yelling and, you know, too many people, like, if you're in a really bad neighborhood and, you know, too many people in your house, there's a lot of stress all the time. | ||
| Babies born literally are wired different than babies that are born into calm households. | ||
| And babies that are born into calm households, the less stress you have, the more chilled out the baby can be. | ||
| But if you have a really, really tense mom, that kid's going to come out just ready to snap. | ||
| That kid's going to come out recognizing danger. | ||
| I had this long talk on a plane with Michael Irvin. | ||
| Michael Irvin was on a plane to Australia. | ||
| We were all going to the UFC. He was going there to do some football thing with Russell Crowe. | ||
| And I had met him because I did Best Damn Sports Show, period. | ||
| And he was on it. | ||
| And he's a real cool guy, man. | ||
| A very down-to-earth, normal dude. | ||
| And so he and I were talking. | ||
| We're just talking about kids getting involved in martial arts and kids getting involved in sports. | ||
| And he was talking about what he was like when he was young. | ||
| He's trying to teach kids about controlling themselves, teach kids about keeping their shit together. | ||
| And this was right after that dude. | ||
| I don't remember the football player, but he was chasing after his girlfriend. | ||
| He jumped in the back of a truck and he fell out and died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was talking about that guy that was not thinking. | ||
| He was just reacting. | ||
| You don't do shit like that when you're thinking. | ||
| But these guys aren't thinking. | ||
| They just react. | ||
| And he's trying to teach them how to put some steps in there to consider things before you act and recognize that there's a reason why you're so quick to behave like that. | ||
| And that these people, these reckless type people are the ones who are always involved in really strong competitive athletics like fighting and football and shit like that. | ||
| It's because they're so much more quick to react. | ||
| They're so much more explosive. | ||
| A lot of it is just stress-based. | ||
| So many fighters are born from shitty households. | ||
| So many. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's not a prerequisite. | ||
| There's guys from strong families that still are great fighters because they just accept that, you know, they just love the challenge. | ||
| Like, George St. Pierre is a perfect example of that. | ||
| Very close with his dad. | ||
| But a lot of guys come from fucking broken homes, man. | ||
| And there's something in that. | ||
| There's something in that. | ||
| The fury is just a little more intense from a dude who grows up without a dad or a dude who grows up in, like, a real shitty situation, you know? | ||
| It's fucking crazy, man, when you really stop and think about it. | ||
| It's crazy that anybody would want their kid to be famous. | ||
| The Lindsay Lohan thing. | ||
| This should be the last straw. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there should be some condo laws about it, definitely. | ||
| But I think most of the people that have their kids, it's because they're broken dreams and they're using their kids to... | ||
| Do you think that's it? | ||
| Or is it just a lack of awareness? | ||
| Their lack of real consideration? | ||
| You see, nobody thinks it's an offensive thing. | ||
| Like, you know, if you tell them, you know, oh, my daughter's acting. | ||
| She's in a commercial. | ||
| They go, oh, good for you. | ||
| Nobody ever goes, wow, what are you doing? | ||
| Like, why are you putting your kid on TV? Nobody ever says that. | ||
| Nobody ever says it like, whoa, you're going to fuck your kid up. | ||
| You're going to get your kid famous? | ||
| You know what the odds are? | ||
| If you got your kid famous, what are the odds your kid's going to grow up and be a mess? | ||
| It's like 90%. | ||
| Why would you ever... | ||
| I mean, yeah, there's a few that get through it, and they're okay. | ||
| The Jodie Fosters of the world that seem to be adjusted. | ||
| But they're fucking rare, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| Are you making a... | ||
| What? | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| Oh, I forgot there was video. | ||
| He's making a... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He forgot? | ||
| Did you really forget? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| He really did. | ||
| He's so fucking silly. | ||
| He made the lesbian lick the hand thing. | ||
| Oh... | ||
| Yeah, I mean, what the fuck, man? | ||
| To develop and to think that you're special right from the beginning... | ||
| I mean, Lindsay Lohan was famous from... | ||
| She was one of those Disney hookers, right? | ||
| So many Disney hookers. | ||
| There is. | ||
| They breed them. | ||
| They make these little hot little hookers. | ||
| Let's count them off. | ||
| Who are the Disney hookers? | ||
| Christina Aguilera? | ||
| Is she a Disney? | ||
| Well, Timberlake made it through. | ||
| Timberlake, is he cool? | ||
| He's got it together? | ||
| Dude, that dude's got it totally down. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that super successful, right-headed. | ||
| Cool guy. | ||
| Well, he's still super successful, too, though. | ||
| There's never a drop-off. | ||
| They get a drop-off. | ||
| He's one of the top guys. | ||
| He's a Mariah Carey, you know, whatever. | ||
| When they drop off, that's when they get nuts, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's hard to rebound. | ||
| And people want to see how far you fall and crash, so they kind of support your driving. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, they turn their energy on, wow, he's really failing. | ||
| You have to hit rock bottom, and then they'll let you come back up again. | ||
| But you have to Britney Spears it. | ||
| You have to fucking just ride that boat right into the rocks. | ||
| Now, do you think Britney has snapped back, or do you think she has just a new person that protects her non-stop? | ||
| You know, like, I am hired to make sure you don't fuck up ever again. | ||
| I think you don't fix that kind of crazy. | ||
| You don't fix it. | ||
| That shit is not fixable. | ||
| That's crazy to the bones, man. | ||
| She's fucking nuts. | ||
| They're not fixing anything. | ||
| That's a real simple case to me. | ||
| Case closed. | ||
| They're just handling her. | ||
| Or they marry Brian Austin Green. | ||
| What the fuck happened? | ||
| Oh, what's her face? | ||
| You think she's wacky too? | ||
| Well, she married Brian Austin Green. | ||
| Actually, I don't think she's wacky. | ||
| How young was she when she got famous? | ||
| She probably is a really cool chick if she married Brian Austin Green. | ||
| Well, yeah, right? | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| That guy's not even working anymore, right? | ||
| Yeah, she's probably the coolest chick ever. | ||
| Either that or Brian Austin Green is like a pimp of unimaginable proportions. | ||
| He might be a pimp. | ||
| Doesn't she have his name tattooed on her? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I say he's a pimp. | ||
| Dude, he has to be a pimp. | ||
| You know, you can hate all you want about Brian Austin Green. | ||
| I'm not hating. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Anybody can. | ||
| You know, you people out there, you want to hate? | ||
| What if that was you? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| If you're at the Peach Pit, which guy would you choose, you know? | ||
| Peach Pit? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You always have to take it to some dark, dark place. | ||
| This Brian Austin Green fellow, isn't he like a rapper now? | ||
| Doesn't he rap? | ||
| Does he really? | ||
| Yeah, doesn't he? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't think he did anything. | ||
| Dude, I think we need to find out right now. | ||
| This is beautiful. | ||
| What a beautiful time to be alive in the internet. | ||
| If you have a question, you just throw that bitch into Google. | ||
| It's so simple. | ||
| Brian Austin Green rapping. | ||
| We are about to find out, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We don't have to go to the fucking library. | ||
| We don't have to go to a college and meet some experts. | ||
| Oh, Brian Austin. | ||
| Okay, that was on TV. That wasn't... | ||
| No, see, that's what I think it is. | ||
| I think it's just that he had it on his show. | ||
| Well, let's go into his wiki. | ||
| A moment in rap history. | ||
| That's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Among his lyrical stylings, you're so precious to me, am I precious to you? | ||
| The answer, Brian, is yes. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Okay, that was so pointless. | ||
| We missed the very beginning of it. | ||
| It's still pointless. | ||
| We didn't have his rapping. | ||
| I mean, they had some of his lyrics. | ||
| I think they're just saying that he was a rapper. | ||
| But he was whack. | ||
| But we can't play it because then we'll have to pay him or something. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You know, something like that. | ||
| Because that was on VH1. Well, they were also saying that he's whack. | ||
| I mean, they quoted his lyrics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's pretty whack. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| That's just, like, those lyrics were so whack, like, you don't even have to pass a judgment on them. | ||
| You just play them for people and raise your eyeballs. | ||
| I go, hmm. | ||
| It's like you ever see that movie, Jesus Camp? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy, crazy fucking movie. | ||
| And the best part about the movie is they didn't cast any judgment. | ||
| They just showed you these nutty motherfuckers that are out there raising kids to be Christian jihadists. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| You don't have to cast anything. | ||
| And the people are so nutty that they'll approve it. | ||
| You could show them the fucking video and they would say, yeah, that's our message. | ||
| You got our message down, sir. | ||
| That's a good documentary. | ||
| Meanwhile, anybody who saw that thing, it was like a fucking horror movie. | ||
| Taking little kids. | ||
| The best part is when they make them talk in tongues. | ||
| Did you see that part? | ||
| They would say, everyone now talk in tongues. | ||
| So the kids would go... | ||
| It's like God talking through them in tongues. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| They're five years old, man. | ||
| Five years old, it's nonsense. | ||
| They love nonsense. | ||
| Five years old loves to talk nonsense. | ||
| All five-year-old kids do. | ||
| So you give them like a time of the day at school. | ||
| Alright kids, time to go nonsense. | ||
| So they just go full fantasy. | ||
| And they're talking in this made-up language, and it's obviously not a fucking language, because you're not saying anything. | ||
| I can tell when I'm listening to someone talk, even if they have a foreign language, I can tell if it's a real language. | ||
| You know, you hear someone talking in Chinese. | ||
| They're saying a bunch of crazy shit, but there's a flow to it where you know they're not saying the same sounds over and over and over and over again, which is what you do, because you have to invent all these sounds on the fly if you're making a fake language. | ||
| To have them vary to the point where it looks like it's an actual language, that's difficult. | ||
| So you start going, which is what they all do. | ||
| They're all uncreative fucks, and they're talking in tongues, and they're just making nonsense noises. | ||
| That's all they're doing, man. | ||
| And they're getting little kids to do this shit. | ||
| And they're telling these kids that you're warriors for Christ, and this woman was comparing them to Hamas and all these... | ||
| Terrorist organizations raise little jihadists. | ||
| She was literally comparing them. | ||
| She's comparing them. | ||
| Like, why don't we do that with Christianity? | ||
| Like, this would be a good thing. | ||
| The reason why these people are willing to blow themselves up is because they indoctrinated them into the world of radical Islam. | ||
| We can do the same thing, but for good. | ||
| She's like, but we're good. | ||
| Not seeing the irony in the brainwashing kids. | ||
| She's talking, well, they're getting brainwashed with the wrong thing. | ||
| But if we brainwash our kids with the truth and Jesus, I'm like, whoa. | ||
| They're a lot of raised kids. | ||
| I had two guys knock on my door today that were both my age dressed up in the white shirts and the ties and stuff like that. | ||
| Is that a Scientology or a Mormon thing? | ||
| That's a Mormon, right? | ||
| Mormons... | ||
| I just... | ||
| I laugh. | ||
| Mormons are some of the nicest fucking people. | ||
| I have to tell you. | ||
| It might be, but... | ||
| They're so nice, dude. | ||
| But I can't stop laughing at them, you know? | ||
| It's like I see... | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's completely ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole... | |
| Look... | ||
| It's all ridiculous, though. | ||
| It's not that being a Muslim isn't ridiculous, but being a Jew is. | ||
| Everything's ridiculous. | ||
| Being a Catholic is ridiculous. | ||
| Being a Protestant is ridiculous. | ||
| Being a Baptist is ridiculous. | ||
| Being a Buddhist is ridiculous. | ||
| Being in anything is ridiculous. | ||
| You're a fucking human being. | ||
| And if you attach yourself and your mind to any ideology... | ||
| You're going to be on a road. | ||
| And that road may or may not lead you in a good direction. | ||
| But you're going to stay on that fucking road if you're attached to an ideology. | ||
| And it could be a terrible road. | ||
| It could be a road of, you know, circumcising your daughter's clitoris because that's a fucking tradition. | ||
| I mean, these fucking crazy bitches in Africa that cut holes in their lip and stretch them out to put plates on. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Because they got on a fucking road and they stuck with that road. | ||
| Regardless of rational thinking. | ||
| They didn't use rational thinking at all. | ||
| They just adapted a predetermined pattern of behavior that makes life so much more simple. | ||
| And that's what every fucking religion is. | ||
| The problem is no one knows. | ||
| You cannot know. | ||
| You can have your own beautiful personal experiences. | ||
| You could have been the person that was actually touched by God. | ||
| But when you start yelling and ranting that other people have to follow your lead or the fucking world's going to end and Christians are going to be taken away, I know you're full of shit. | ||
| I know you're full of shit and you know you're full of shit. | ||
| And the real problem is that we can't say it, because everybody's got this freedom of religion, freedom of religion, religious freedom, the freedom to express yourself. | ||
| Even if you're expressing yourself with nonsense, nonsense that helps scared, lonely, sad people lock onto that nonsense so they feel like they're a part of something. | ||
| I mean, that's what it is. | ||
| It preys on people whose lives fucking suck. | ||
| So it's all nuts. | ||
| It's not like your shit's cool and my shit's not. | ||
| And it's not that, you know, yoga's the answer or fucking mushrooms are the answer. | ||
| There's just questions. | ||
| And until we're honest about that, we're never going to evolve. | ||
| The human race is stuck in a giant quagmire when it comes to our behavior. | ||
| And our thinking about our behavior. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| And one thing is they all look like from the Geek Squad, these Mormon guys. | ||
| They're crazy, those dudes. | ||
| On 10 speeds. | ||
| Can you imagine, though, if they mixed it up and showed up with hairy chests and necklaces and rave clothes on and sunglasses? | ||
| How scary that would be if the Mormons came to your house like that? | ||
| If they started rocking it? | ||
| Yeah, like they'd pull up in a new Chevy's or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I don't think the world's ready for a hip religion yet. | ||
| There was some work they were doing with rock and roll churches. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah, they still have those. | ||
| Do they have those? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are those still popular? | ||
| Totally popular. | ||
| Mine has a Starbucks in it. | ||
| There was a girl that used to work at Fear Factor. | ||
| She's a very nice girl. | ||
| And she was trying to find her place. | ||
| And she started going to a rock and roll church, saying how much I would really love this rock and roll church. | ||
| Even though this guy's talking about God, he's really all just about being positive, and that's the vehicle that he uses. | ||
| For a lot of people, man, religion can give you some inspiration. | ||
| But there comes a certain point in time where you have to pop the training wheels off. | ||
| And you have to recognize that all this morality that you've developed is good because it's good to treat other people good. | ||
| It's good to treat other people the way you would like to be treated yourself. | ||
| It's like a fucking golden rule, and there's a reason for it. | ||
| And that reason is that we're connected in some strange way that we don't totally understand. | ||
| Unless you are good to other people around you, unless you're kind and friendly and warm and loving, you're not going to fucking enjoy this life. | ||
| You're just not. | ||
| You're gonna be problems everywhere you go. | ||
| You're gonna have problems everywhere you go. | ||
| You gotta figure out a way to enjoy this fucking life. | ||
| It's not because of Jesus. | ||
| It's not because of Moses. | ||
| It's not because of anybody that may or may not have ever existed. | ||
| It's because that's how you fit in better in the world. | ||
| That's how you stay positive. | ||
| And it doesn't have to be some shit that was written 5,000 years ago on fucking animal skins. | ||
| That doesn't have to be the golden rule because it's old. | ||
| That's dumb. | ||
| We need to figure out now, today. | ||
| What is the best way to live your life? | ||
| There's got to be ways you can be putting forward the most positive energy. | ||
| We know objectively what's causing pollution. | ||
| We know objectively what's causing birth defects and We're taking in too much chemicals and not enough vitamins. | ||
| We know objectively all this stuff. | ||
| We know how to organize our world and yet we don't do it. | ||
| We know how to organize our health and yet very few people do it. | ||
| We know all these things. | ||
| The right path to being a happy, healthy person... | ||
| It's to do all the shit that we already know you're supposed to do. | ||
| Take care of your body. | ||
| Take care of your health. | ||
| Take care of your mind, your stress. | ||
| Meditate. | ||
| Be kind to people. | ||
| We all know that. | ||
| I mean, you ask anybody, they know how to get by and to be the most evolved version of you that you can be. | ||
| I mean, it's not like a magical checklist. | ||
| If you talk to people about it, you said, okay, you got a person, you want to improve them, what are the things you're going to do to them? | ||
| Okay, well if I was a life coach, the first thing I would say is this guy's got to get on a diet that makes him healthy. | ||
| I don't mean a diet just to lose weight. | ||
| I mean just healthy foods in your body. | ||
| Many, many vegetables. | ||
| Vegetables, a lot of good quality protein, a lot of water, stop the sodas, stop the bullshit. | ||
| Start working out your body and get a better sense of how this machine feels when it's moving. | ||
| It's flowing better. | ||
| There's less tension in it. | ||
| Your mind feels relaxed and you enjoy every single moment of the day better. | ||
| Step one. | ||
| Everybody knows that step, right? | ||
| What's step two? | ||
| Be cool to people. | ||
| Be nice to as many people as you can. | ||
| Smile at as many people as you can. | ||
| Have them smile back at you. | ||
| Tip well when you go to restaurants. | ||
| Just do the most you can. | ||
| Be as nice as you can. | ||
| You know, and just still manage to not have people walk all over you. | ||
| Just get through this life as nice as you can. | ||
| What else? | ||
| Do what you want to do with your life, right? | ||
| Don't be doing something you don't enjoy. | ||
| Don't do something that's, don't get locked into, you know, a car that you can't afford and doing something crazy because you need the money. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Do what you want to do. | ||
| Do what the fuck is it that you really want to do? | ||
| Because if someone else is doing it, you can do it. | ||
| I mean, everybody makes their own path through this world, but a lot of people don't follow the path that they really fucking feel pulled to. | ||
| For whatever reason, they got negative programming. | ||
| When they were kids, someone told them they couldn't do it or told them to take the shortcut or take the sure route. | ||
| That's a sad thing, man, when you talk to dudes, especially talented dudes, and they don't follow up with what they want to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know anybody like that? | |
| I don't know, but I was just thinking to your list that I think you should never stop tickling people, and I don't know why it's looked down upon, because I enjoy making people laugh, including forcing them to laugh. | ||
| I don't like people tickling me. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Are you ticklish? | ||
| Yeah, I'm ticklish. | ||
| I think tickle... | ||
| Do you know where ticklish... | ||
| This is an interesting subject. | ||
| Do you know where this comes from? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's an evolutionary trait, and it's from being freaked out instantly and immediately. | ||
| About spiders and insects crawling on you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because if you're sleeping on the ground, yeah. | ||
| Because if you're sleeping on the ground and something's on you and you fucking move like that, that's what ticklish is. | ||
| You're trying to avoid these instant reactions to these weird sensitive areas of your body, especially things where things can crawl, like under your armpits. | ||
| You touch my armpit, I'll jump through the fucking roof. | ||
| But that's what it is, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like this is all an evolutionary thing. | ||
| I did not know that. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Why else would you have this extreme reaction on the bottom of your feet? | ||
| That's where you're stepping on things. | ||
| Why are some people not ticklish at all, though? | ||
| Because they're dopes and they're supposed to die. | ||
| Because, you know, I dated this girl that I even went to the last ticklish spot. | ||
| Well, you have your answer. | ||
| She was willing to date you, so you know she's fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She died. | |
| That's A. B, she's ready to be bitten by a spider. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I always go for the butthole as the last move, though. | ||
| Like, if you're not ticklish, you're ticklish in the butthole. | ||
| And then that usually gets them. | ||
| You ever watch a porno where a girl's got a rubber butthole and you're like, this is ridiculous. | ||
| How is this chick taking this in the ass? | ||
| She's getting pounded in the ass. | ||
| How do they do that? | ||
| You've seen the Belladonna one. | ||
| Dude, she's crazy. | ||
| We talked about that on the podcast before where we looked it up and then we found out there was like... | ||
| We looked up baseball bat porn because we thought it would only be the one Belladonna video. | ||
| No, there's like a bunch of videos of chicks with bats up their ass. | ||
| I think it's once a girl puts a bat up her ass... | ||
| Then the other porn guys, they come to the other chicks and go, see, look, she's willing to do it. | ||
| What, you don't want to do it? | ||
| You don't want to work? | ||
| You just can add it to your resume. | ||
| That's an extra job that you wouldn't have got before. | ||
| It's a dark road, son. | ||
| That's kind of weird. | ||
| I would like to see the resumes of some of these girls. | ||
| Like, we'll do baseball bats. | ||
| We'll eat donkey ass. | ||
| Here's a fucking funny story. | ||
| There was a dude that was friends with a friend of mine. | ||
| I didn't know the guy that well. | ||
| But he was dating a porno star. | ||
| And he was like trying to be cool with it because he didn't have any money. | ||
| And she was, you know, paying the bills and shit. | ||
| And he was, I think he was a musician. | ||
| And she came home with a contract. | ||
| And he was just, you know, hey, it's just sex, man. | ||
| It's no big deal. | ||
| Yeah, I'm allowed to fuck other girls when I'm on the road, too. | ||
| You know, we're just open. | ||
| It's no big deal. | ||
| And she doesn't fuck any of those guys when she's not working with them. | ||
| You know, the whole deal. | ||
| He had this whole rationalization thing. | ||
| And then he got a contract. | ||
| And he's going over the contract. | ||
| And he goes, what's this? | ||
| What's this airtight? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| And she goes, airtight, it's one in my mouth, one in my asshole, and one in my pussy. | ||
| And he goes, this relationship's over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| He just fucking threw in the towel right then and there. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| At the same time, one in your asshole, one in your... | ||
| And they have a name for it. | ||
| Okay, and you're about to go airtight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Done. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Put a fucking fork in it, Hooker. | ||
| You go triple rainbow. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| First of all, any girl that would let you do that, Any girl that wants to do that and any girl that is in a relationship where the man is cool with her doing that, you've got a whole lot of problems. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| There was this guy, Salami was his name. | ||
| I think he lives in Seattle now. | ||
| Cool dude. | ||
| He was a porn producer, didn't like it, got out of it. | ||
| He said the whole business is just fucked up. | ||
| It's all crazy and everyone's a mess. | ||
| He just wants to be a healthier person. | ||
| So now he's teaching jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Super nice guy. | ||
| So anyway, he tells us, hey man, come see me. | ||
| We're doing a porno shoot. | ||
| Come watch it. | ||
| It's pretty fun. | ||
| So I was with Tate, and we were like, alright, fuck it. | ||
| We'll go. | ||
| We just got back from the road. | ||
| We just landed from some gig, and this is when Tate was staying with me. | ||
| So, before we went to my house, we just drove to this guy's fucking porno shoot. | ||
| I mean, right out of the airport, right? | ||
| We walk in the door. | ||
| We walk in the door, and there's this one guy with guns tattooed on his body. | ||
| He's got, like, guns. | ||
| Like, yeah, one of those dudes. | ||
| And then the other guy is just this regular muscle-looking dude. | ||
| And they are ruining this bitch. | ||
| They are ruining her. | ||
| One guy is pounding her asshole with his dick, and one guy is fucking her mouth. | ||
| And every couple seconds, they pull her off the dick and spit in her mouth. | ||
| So this girl goes through this terrible day of all this. | ||
| Spitting, fucking her asshole, fucking her pussy. | ||
| And then when it's all over, she goes into the shower and she wants everyone to piss in her mouth. | ||
| So these porno stars start peeing in her mouth and she sits there with her mouth open. | ||
| And then she wants a director to do it. | ||
| You get over here. | ||
| So the director goes over and he pees in her mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And I am watching this whole thing. | ||
| I'm like, this might be the saddest shit I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| This girl is on her knees in the shower. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The water's pouring all over her. | ||
| She's totally wet. | ||
| She's been pounded in the asshole in the mouth all day. | ||
| Two dudes... | ||
| Have taken turns spitting in her mouth. | ||
| Three dudes, because the director did it too. | ||
| He spit in her mouth too. | ||
| Everybody was spitting in her mouth. | ||
| And now she's on her knees and there's a dude pissing in her mouth and they're filming it. | ||
| And I'm like, wow. | ||
| So then she goes, my boyfriend's going to pick me up at 4 or something like that. | ||
| And we're like, your boyfriend? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| And I didn't want to talk to her. | ||
| I didn't want to be mean. | ||
| I didn't want to be judgmental. | ||
| I didn't want to say anything. | ||
| I introduced myself. | ||
| Hi, Joe. | ||
| Nice to meet you. | ||
| I'm going to watch you fuck. | ||
| Me and my friend Tate here, we're going to sit and watch you get fucked. | ||
| So we were sitting like maybe fucking 10 feet away from this. | ||
| Standing, standing, like maybe 10 feet away while these two dudes were pounding on this chick. | ||
| And then these guys peed in this girl's mouth. | ||
| And then she starts talking about her boyfriend. | ||
| What does your boyfriend do? | ||
| He's a cook. | ||
| So like a short order cook at some like Denny's or some shit like that. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I go, is your husband cool with all this? | ||
| Yeah, he's cool with it. | ||
| As long as I keep bringing home checks, he's cool with it. | ||
| And so Tate goes, is he allowed to fuck anybody else? | ||
| She goes, he better not. | ||
| I'll fucking kill him. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| We're like, whoa. | ||
| He better not, I'll fucking kill him. | ||
| Like, what did I just watch? | ||
| This is just, this might be the nuttiest fucking scene I've ever been a part of in my whole life. | ||
| I'm like, this is so strange. | ||
| That is awful. | ||
| Do you remember her name? | ||
| Like, her porn name or anything? | ||
| No, I have no idea. | ||
| I wouldn't remember her face, her name, anything. | ||
| I'd never seen her before or again. | ||
| There's so many of them, dude. | ||
| There's so much porn going on out here. | ||
| There's so many dudes that I know. | ||
| I know so many guys from Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| Tyler Knight. | ||
| I know him. | ||
| He's a porn dude. | ||
| Very cool guy. | ||
| He's got a really awesome blog, too. | ||
| He writes about gangbang scenes and shit like that. | ||
| And Jake Steed used to train at Machado's. | ||
| And then there was another dude that used to train at Machado's, T.T. Boy. | ||
| And then John LaForte. | ||
| Well, that's his real name. | ||
| I'm not supposed to. | ||
| Vince Voyer. | ||
| Vince Voyer is another fucking male porn star. | ||
| There's like a gang of them, man. | ||
| There's like all these porn guys. | ||
| There's so much porn going on out here. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Girls come out here with whatever issues and looking for a dream and a lot of them it doesn't work out and the next thing you know they're doing porn. | ||
| And then there's girls that just have always wanted to get into porn and then they just fucking like Sasha Gray type chicks. | ||
| They come here when they're 18, good to go, ready to suck dick on film. | ||
| It's kind of depressing, actually. | ||
| But it makes the grocery store at 2am a lot better, you know? | ||
| Because you're just walking around and there's some porn chick, half-waisted, trying to get cantaloupes. | ||
| It's way worse when you have kids, dude. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a hard time beating off porn these days. | ||
| I have to shut off the compassionate part of my brain. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The compassionate part of my brain wants to go, okay, what if this is my daughter? | ||
| What if my daughter was doing this and guys were holding her eyelids open and jizzing in her eyeball? | ||
| I watched that the other day. | ||
| And I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| This is someone's baby. | ||
| Someone's little baby girl. | ||
| Someone's fucking her mouth like that. | ||
| Maybe she likes it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Some girls do like that. | ||
| So you can't say always that it's terrible, but chances are, if you're getting pounded in a porno film, that's not really what you want to be doing. | ||
| You should try to figure out something else that you can masturbate to, like start getting attracted to something on purpose to try to train your brain. | ||
| Someone's got to come up with anime porn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some fucking awesome CGI. Use the Quake 4 engine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, once it gets to the point where pornography can be artificially created, then it'll be way better. | ||
| It's karma-free porn. | ||
| Today's the day that Doc set the time machine to go back to the future, right? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, that's hilarious. | ||
| How do you know that? | ||
| Somebody tweeted it earlier today. | ||
| I didn't research it, so it might be fake. | ||
| Could you imagine if they really do invent a time machine one day? | ||
| Because the real thing about time machines that people aren't aware of, there's scientists that actually try to study time travel. | ||
| There's a guy who has a fucking awesome story. | ||
| His name is Ronald Mallet. | ||
| Dr. Ronald Mallet, I believe, from Connecticut. | ||
| See if you Google that shit. | ||
| See if that's his name. | ||
| But anyway, the guy has a fantastic story. | ||
| He's like the leading scientist when it comes to... | ||
| Theoretical models for time travel. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| Ronald Mallet from, I believe, University of Connecticut. | ||
| And he has like a working model. | ||
| Yeah, it is Ronald Mallet. | ||
| He has a working model of a M-A-L-L-E-T-T or one T or two T's? | ||
| T-T. Ronald M-A-L-L-E-T-T. Look him up on Google and there's some videos about him, but... | ||
| His dad died. | ||
| It's a crazy story. | ||
| His dad died when he was a kid and he was so hurt. | ||
| He loved his father. | ||
| There's all those photos of him and his father and his father smiling and he's smiling. | ||
| He was so close to his father. | ||
| When his father died, it crushed him. | ||
| And so he dedicated his life to creating a time machine. | ||
| He dedicated his life to creating a time machine so that he could go back in time and save his father so his father would be with him again. | ||
| So that was the entire focus of his life. | ||
| And he got to a certain point where he realized that you can someday, it is possible to travel back in time. | ||
| But it's not something that you're going to be able to go back to any point in history. | ||
| You're only going to be able to go back in time to the moment that the first time machine was invented. | ||
| So what will be able to be possible is you'll be able to, the moment there is a time machine invented, that day, from that day on, you'll be able to go to any point in history that you want. | ||
| So you can go to, you know, assuming there's human beings around, Assuming the world hasn't been hit by another planet or some crazy shit, you'll be able to go to one million years from now. | ||
| Let's see what the world looks like one million years from now because there will be time machines functional back then or in that future. | ||
| But the problem is that any moment in time could also go back to the moment the first time machine was invented. | ||
| So if you can travel back in time, from any moment in time, that's like millions of years, in fact, infinite, if people are still alive, of time, of years, of people going back to the moment of the first time machine being invented. | ||
| So it's literally like the whole notion of time gets broken. | ||
| There's no real future. | ||
| It all kind of happens all at once. | ||
| So it literally fucks with the entire fabric of the universe. | ||
| Everything can come back to the moment that the first time machine was invented. | ||
| It breaks everything. | ||
| So this is real shit they're working on. | ||
| This guy is really convinced that this is a possible thing. | ||
| That's craziness. | ||
| Beyond! | ||
| Here's something else. | ||
| Back to the Future 3, if you look at the very end of the movie when Doc has his kids and he's like telling like, see ya mighty, everything's gonna be good, you know? | ||
| Look at one of the kids. | ||
| The kid starts going like this, like come here or put something in my hand and then he points to his dick. | ||
| What? | ||
| It is so ridiculous. | ||
| And just got snuck through? | ||
| Somehow it snuck through. | ||
| But I'm talking about a six-year-old. | ||
| Dude, people were so stupid back then. | ||
| They didn't even know. | ||
| You can find on YouTube Back to the Future 3 points to package kids. | ||
| Is that one of those movies that you go watch it today and it would disappoint the shit out of you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not so good, huh? | ||
| Not so good. | ||
| I mean, I saw the first one the other day, and it was okay, but then I saw the third one, and it was just so dumb, I didn't even want to watch it. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| The evolution of movies has been pretty fucking, pretty obvious. | ||
| The evolution of what we accept, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, people talk about Avatar being silly and ridiculous, but still. | ||
| You see Toy Story 3 yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| I heard it's awesome. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the best. | ||
| All that animation stuff just freaks me the fuck out. | ||
| I was reading in Wired that there's some insane amount of time for like every frame for as far as like rendering. | ||
| Some like seven hour fucking time for each frame to render. | ||
| Isn't that insane? | ||
| Which movie though? | ||
| This can't be now. | ||
| It was a Pixar movie. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Better Google that. | |
| Seems like it would be better than... | ||
| I could go into the living room and go get that magazine, but I don't know exactly where it is and I don't want to get up. | ||
| But the idea is that it's still, even to this day, it's very difficult to do. | ||
| The whole, even if my time frame is wrong, the whole... | ||
| Why don't you just look under Wired? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Pixar. | ||
| Pixar. | ||
| Not Pixel. | ||
| Um... | ||
| But it's still not quite there yet, as far as the technology that's going to exist one day where you can create instant artificial people. | ||
| You remember the editing that you're doing right now, just with Final Cut, just doing it on a regular home computer, an Apple? | ||
| I mean, this is the kind of shit that 10 years ago was like fucking dreaming about. | ||
| You're dreaming, bitch. | ||
| What? | ||
| Are you going to be able to edit? | ||
| And how fast is it going to render? | ||
| Are you going to put shit together? | ||
| Is that easy? | ||
| 20 years ago, science fiction. | ||
| 20 years ago, science fiction. | ||
| 30 years ago, super crazy science fiction. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| You're talking about something that people would look at in the movies and go, wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, like Minority Report type shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where they make it look like you can do it now, but it really is not going to exist for another, you know, 100 years or so. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| How many hours? | ||
| I think they said seven. | ||
| Yeah, that's what they just... | ||
| Seven hours? | ||
| Seven hours per pixel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's like a supercomputer too, right? | ||
| Don't they use like a server farm? | ||
| Oh, I'm sure they use, yeah, a huge cloud of computers. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Those movies take a lot of fucking time. | ||
| But goddamn, they're cool as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So seven hours now, so in ten years, that means we could do Pixar movies on our phone. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's inevitable, right? | ||
| That's going to be awesome. | ||
| Hey, dude, check out Toy Story 80, huh? | ||
| If they don't break the universe before then. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| That's my latest theory. | ||
| The human beings create the Big Bang. | ||
| I've been talking about it on that stage. | ||
| I think that's what we're doing. | ||
| I think that's why the Big Bang... | ||
| I think 14 billion years ago, plus, was the Big Bang. | ||
| I think it was a lonely dude in his basement who figured out a way to break the universe, and he had a switch, and he wanted to see what happened, and he clicked it. | ||
| And the whole thing... | ||
| I think that's what happens. | ||
| And then people get curious and we develop to a certain point in time where we repeat the process. | ||
| Isn't that possible? | ||
| I mean, nobody knows what the fuck created the Big Bang, right? | ||
| But when you see scientists working on shit like the Large Hadron Collider, the Large Hadron Collider is this crazy experiment that they're participating right now in Europe where they've got this 22 kilometer long machine and it spins these atoms around and collides them. | ||
| It's just slightly slower than the speed of light. | ||
| And they're trying to recreate a thing called the Higgs-Boson particle. | ||
| Now they believe there's actually five different Higgs-Boson particles are trying to figure out what existed. | ||
| They call it the God particle, for lack of a better word, and it's what existed just a millisecond, a fraction of a millisecond even, right after the Big Bang. | ||
| So when they get that, when they figure out how to do that, and if they do recreate the Higgs boson, if they do really find out it's not just a theoretical particle but it's real, when they do that, they're not going to stop there. | ||
| They're not going to stop there. | ||
| They're going to keep going. | ||
| What's the next thing? | ||
| They've got 10,000 scientists working on that. | ||
| This is the biggest project in scientific history, and it has nothing to do with making our lives better. | ||
| Technology, at one point in time, was all about making your life better. | ||
| Technology was about, you know, hey, we need to get water and we don't want to, you know, just have to drink it out of the river every time. | ||
| We need to get it and bring it back to camp. | ||
| What do we do? | ||
| We figured out how to make a jug. | ||
| You know, I mean, that's technology. | ||
| Technology today, the shit like the Higgs-Boson particle, shit like the Large Hadron Collider, shit like making time machines, what are you doing? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| You're not fixing the hole in the ground in the gulf that's making the oil pull out. | ||
| Shouldn't they pull all the scientists off everything and go, okay, we've got to fix this before the whole ocean gets poisoned? | ||
| I've always wondered why they don't do that anyway. | ||
| So with cancer, with anything, it's just like, all right, all you guys, we're going to take all the scientists at once, cancer, one year, cancer. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| You know, these guys aren't experts in their fields, obviously. | ||
| I mean, you can't know everything about everything. | ||
| It's a silly concept, I mean, what I'm saying. | ||
| But it would be great if they took all the top scientists from all the different disciplines that would be involved and they immediately allocated funds to get them to work on the project instantly. | ||
| And just the government step... | ||
| I mean, I'm not in favor of the government stepping in, but in this case, I would say this is... | ||
| Not just a natural disaster. | ||
| This is a fucking catastrophic disaster where apocalyptic disaster where they need to step in and do something about this immediately. | ||
| They need to impose almost like a martial law type of a thing. | ||
| Take over the whole... | ||
| But then again, who's going to be good that's doing that for the government? | ||
| The government would have to involve the private sector and then the private sector would try to make a lot of money from it and they would try to fuck people over and it would be a big scandal and it would be like Halliburton and they'd find out billions of dollars are missing from the... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| My fucking idea sucks. | ||
| Did you see that baby in China that was born with a second face? | ||
| Dude, I did, and I didn't want to look. | ||
| I saw it, and I shut it off. | ||
| That shit depresses the fuck out of me. | ||
| It's pretty amazing, though. | ||
| I mean, it's a second face, and it kind of looks like, what is that movie, Phantom of the Opera or whatever? | ||
| But it's, I mean, does it say if they're going to be able to fix the kid? | ||
| No, dude, I didn't read it. | ||
| It depresses the shit out of me. | ||
| Just like the one that I saw the other day where there's a baby that was born. | ||
| It was like a fish baby. | ||
| The skin had this very strange disease. | ||
| That shit's so depressing to me, man. | ||
| Fucked at birth. | ||
| Especially, man, it's depressing when you find out that it's due to birth defects because of chemicals. | ||
| People that worked at factories and people that were given chemicals they shouldn't have been given while they were pregnant. | ||
| Man, China. | ||
| China's a tricky place right now, man. | ||
| China has some of the most polluted cities in the world. | ||
| Have you ever seen the videos on that? | ||
| Is that the same where they're dropping all our old computers and cell phones are all going there? | ||
| Is that China? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do they go to China? | ||
| Yeah, there's somewhere they go and it's just cities that are kind of like, what's that WALL-E movie? | ||
| Where it's cities of just old computers and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Let's find out where they go. | ||
| Let's find out because I never heard of that before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| No. | ||
| But I do know that China has terrible pollution problems. | ||
| There was one city where they showed it. | ||
| Was it a VBS.TV doc? | ||
| Some doc that I watched on the most polluted city in the world. | ||
| And just one day in this city, just breathing the air, is like smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So every fucking day you're there, you're smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. | ||
| The sky was brown, man. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Like, you couldn't see shit. | ||
| Like, it took smog to... | ||
| Like, LA's nasty, dude. | ||
| When you come over, like, when you're coming from the valley, and you come over that hill... | ||
| And you see everything brown, and you can't even see the fucking mountains outside of like Pasadena. | ||
| You can't see the mountains. | ||
| And you look at it and you go, what the fuck are we doing to the air? | ||
| That ain't shit compared to China. | ||
| China's five times worse than that. | ||
| It is the nuttiest shit you've ever seen in your life. | ||
| I don't know what kind of laws they have. | ||
| I don't know how they get away with shit like that. | ||
| But the factory's just puzzled. | ||
| Pump shit out. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| So we have a photo. | ||
| You found the dangers of old computers. | ||
| There's a computer wasteland. | ||
| Does it say what country? | ||
| China. | ||
| A woman in Irish China was about to smash... | ||
| Yeah, I mean, everybody keeps going off about how great the economy is in China and China's, you know, becoming like a capitalist economy and, you know, Chinese people are, you know, the whole country is, it's changing and flourishing and we owe America, owes China so much. | ||
| And then you look at what China's really doing, like ConCam, you know, or Foxconn, rather. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Isn't that the name of the company? | ||
| Foxconn. | ||
| Foxconn's where all those guys who are working for Apple keep killing themselves. | ||
| They help make iPhones. | ||
| Speaking of, how do you like your new iPhone? | ||
| I had to get a new one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you did? | ||
| Yeah, I had to get a new one. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Wouldn't accept the SIM card. | ||
| Kept saying I didn't have a SIM card. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| I just kept doing it. | ||
| Kept saying no SIM card, no SIM card. | ||
| And so, finally, eventually I had to bring it back to him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, do you want to see live me going from three bars to zero service? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| This is the thing where if you touch the bottom, it says, it does something. | ||
| First, let's show it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| If you don't know, nobody can see this, man. | ||
| This fucking web camera sucks. | ||
| Well, you can see I have bars Okay. | ||
| At least you have a couple bars, right? | ||
| Well, just do it and tell us what's happening. | ||
| It's going from... | ||
| I just went to three. | ||
| It was on four, actually. | ||
| It's now a two. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And it's now going to go to one any second now. | ||
| So it just slowly drops? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what Apple says. | ||
| They say that it's an error in the phones. | ||
| Wow, it dropped down to one. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's going to go to no service now. | ||
| They say that it's an error in the phone's computing and that it's not an error. | ||
| Wow, it's saying no signal. | ||
| Wow, okay, let it go now. | ||
| And then it'll go back up. | ||
| And so Apple's trying to say that it's not a real problem. | ||
| They're trying to say that what you're getting is just a more accurate representation of the signals. | ||
| Wow, now it's got a signal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is whack. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Yeah, because if they're saying, what they're saying is, like, if this is wrong, if you don't have three bars right now, you actually have one bar, and covering up the antenna will make it go down... | ||
| It's a stupid thing to say. | ||
| So you're saying that the phone just calculates the bars incorrectly and really when you touch it a certain way then it calculates them right? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| The truth button? | ||
| The fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You have a button and it's a part of the phone and if you touch it it makes the phone Honest with you? | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| That's a hardware problem, you cocksucker. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It doesn't do it with the case, which is good because I never use my iPhone without a case anyway. | ||
| You get signal here, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should get signal. | ||
| Yeah, I got... | ||
| And when you had no signal, that's not normal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the problem is, what are they going to really do about it? | ||
| Is this software update just going to make everyone... | ||
| That just not happen? | ||
| You're just going to... | ||
| Always have lower signal than normal. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't buy it. | ||
| Somebody just made up a whack excuse. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because if they didn't make up a whack excuse, they would have had to have some massive fucking recall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People would have gone nuts. | ||
| There's a class action lawsuit in the works. | ||
| Yeah, but they said it does it on the 3G and the 3GS. But I tried it on my 3GS, and I couldn't do it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I tried the bottom line, and I tried the top. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| Maybe they broke theirs or something. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe it was older models. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It's a stupid way to deal with the issue, though. | ||
| Tell people they have to buy a bumper, especially when you're selling bumpers for $30, which is kind of douchey in and of itself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How come if I drop it, it's fucked? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can get that bumper. | ||
| Yeah, so you give me this little thing to put around it. | ||
| Oh, how much is this little thing? | ||
| $30? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| This is $30. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And only Apple makes it? | ||
| And it should have came with it. | ||
| Fucking, you got a BlackBerry the other day that came with a leather case. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't get a little piece of rubber. | ||
| So I went to Best Buy and I bought two of the only cases that Best Buy sells that cover the back. | ||
| So the first one I put on, it was so tight and poorly made, I think it was Belkin, that the top button just automatically was always pushed down. | ||
| So it was just resetting my phone over and over. | ||
| So I had a second one that I was going to give to you and I opened that one and tried it again. | ||
| Same thing, went online, found out that's the problem with the case. | ||
| So then I bought this other one from Griffith that had a plastic back to it. | ||
| And every time we took a photo, it would flash and hit the plastic and flash back into the camera. | ||
| And every photo looked like shit. | ||
| And it went back online. | ||
| Same exact thing across the board. | ||
| So the only case we can get right now is this one that won't protect the back. | ||
| How the fuck did they not fix that? | ||
| How do they not have cases for an iPhone? | ||
| Come on, Apple. | ||
| Alright, so if I break this, you're going to replace the back because there's no other fucking case. | ||
| And what is the deal with this glass on the back? | ||
| Why do you have glass on the back? | ||
| For reception issues. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, it's what it's supposed to be for. | ||
| It's supposed to be for better reception. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| You're carrying a piece of glass in your pocket. | ||
| What are the odds that thing's going to break and stab on your fucking leg and cut your dick off? | ||
| Wait for the first person to sit on the back of their phone and get it. | ||
| It goes up their asshole and they die. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| A month? | ||
| Can you imagine if that's how you died? | ||
| You sat on an iPhone, it went up your ass, and that killed you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was that guy that used to, uh, on 30 Ways to Die or whatever, 99 Ways to Die, he put glass things up his ass and sat on them? | ||
| Remember, he had, like, this fetish of putting a glass, whatever. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| That was a bad story. | ||
| Was that one of those episodes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That show is disturbing as fuck. | ||
| I like that show. | ||
| I found out all the way different people have died. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Spike's doing good with their shows. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| That's a good short attention span show. | ||
| You just flip in any time. | ||
| You flip it through the channels and they'll start a real hokey reenactment where there's a certain amount of humor to it. | ||
| They know they're going to show you a fucked up way some guy died. | ||
| It's kind of creepy to watch. | ||
| But it's interesting to me because then I think about all these, I have that extra thought every time, you know, I want to shove something up my ass, I know I might die from it, you know. | ||
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| You know what I mean now. | ||
| I do know. | ||
| I do know. | ||
| It's a hard urge to resist shoving things up your ass. | ||
| Sometimes it just overcomes you. | ||
| Or just crossing the street with my eyes closed. | ||
| You know, whatever the story is. | ||
| You showed me One Guy and One Cup, didn't you? | ||
| Somebody did. | ||
| One Guy and One Cup? | ||
| I think you showed it to me, man. | ||
| I don't look for those things anymore. | ||
| That was the one where the guy put a jar up his asshole. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then he sat down and his asshole crushed the jar and chunks of glass and blood start falling out of this guy's body and he doesn't even freak out. | ||
| That's the most disturbing part about it. | ||
| You know, I still don't know if I believe everything anymore. | ||
| Oh, I believe that one. | ||
| I don't know if that's a fake glass anymore. | ||
| If that guy, if that's not fake, someone needs a goddamn Academy Award. | ||
| Well, the BME Pan-Olympics was fake. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| A lot of that is not fake. | ||
| No, it is all fake. | ||
| People say it's fake. | ||
| I don't believe them. | ||
| The person that knows the most about it, I have it on my website. | ||
| Dude, some parts of that were real. | ||
| Wasn't that one where, wasn't one of them that cut his finger off? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Wasn't that the BME? No, no, no. | ||
| The Pan-Olympics were where they're just chopping their balls off and stuff like that. | ||
| They're all glory to me, man. | ||
| They're all the same to me. | ||
| Isn't that sad? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the violence videos go together. | |
| I know there's one where a guy cut his finger off where it's absolutely real. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure that might be real. | ||
| There's fucking crazy people out there. | ||
| This guy with the jar up his asshole is real, dude. | ||
| It's really pretty obvious it's real. | ||
| You believe we landed on the moon, too, don't you? | ||
| It's nasty. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck happened to that dude when he was a kid. | ||
| It made him want to shove bottles up his asshole and have him crush inside of him and then drop out. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Lindsay Lohan's your mom. | ||
| Do you think that'll do it? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine Lindsay Lohan as your mom and fucking the dude from Jackass, Steve-O, as your dad? | ||
| Do you think she can get pregnant? | ||
| Uh, no. | ||
| She's probably so broken up. | ||
| Like you said, we just saw that she was 24. I thought for sure she was like over 30. I forgot all about her being a young ass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I wonder if I could... | ||
| It's hard action, man. | ||
| That shit's out there doing it every night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're the one who told me that she got a tooth pulled just so she could get back on Vicodin? | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Supposedly, when she got that scram bracelet on or whatever it's called, that she immediately had a dentist appointment the next day that was supposedly, priorly... | ||
| Prior to this whatever and she had like a tooth pulled or she had something that she had done but it was like oh now she's allowed to have Vicodin and that's really nice for her. | ||
| So she's got this crazy bracelet on that says she has to stay sober and the dentist gives her Vicodin. | ||
| First of all, she don't need to get fucking Vicodin. | ||
| I've had teeth pulled. | ||
| I've had shit happen. | ||
| You just deal with it. | ||
| It's not that bad. | ||
| I have a knee surgery. | ||
| I didn't take pain medication. | ||
| I took Viking in when I had my first ACL reconstruction. | ||
| It made me feel so stupid. | ||
| It just made me feel so dumb. | ||
| And I sold them to some dude at the pool hall. | ||
| This dude named Jeff. | ||
| You did not do that. | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| You did not sell them. | ||
| I sold them to my friend Jeff. | ||
| And Jeff sold them all throughout the pool hall. | ||
| People gobble those Vikingins up. | ||
| They love them. | ||
| I had a friend who was a guitarist. | ||
| He used to say that it made him more creative. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's the opposite effect it does to me. | ||
| To me, it makes me feel fucking useless and dumb. | ||
| That's all it does. | ||
| Yeah, but I think everybody's brain is working differently, man. | ||
| I mean, slightly. | ||
| I think we all have different levels of different chemicals and different, you know... | ||
| His music was probably fucking retarded then. | ||
| Well, no, he was a classical guitarist. | ||
| He was really good. | ||
| He was, like, you know, he went to, like, competitions and shit. | ||
| It was fucking badass. | ||
| Worst song ever competition? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| He would play songs that already existed. | ||
| You know, like Spanish flamenca songs, that kind of shit. | ||
| He was just... | ||
| He's a brilliant guitarist. | ||
| And he said we'd take Vicodin's. | ||
| It would make him more creative. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But, you know, everybody's brains... | ||
| He's a fucking crazy dude. | ||
| He was a former Taekwondo champion, my friend Dimitri. | ||
| And he was a big fucking burly, manly, giant dude from the Ukraine. | ||
| You know, his family's a bunch of fucking savages, a bunch of Russian fucking animals. | ||
| And maybe the Vicodin just helped calm his inner monkey enough so that he could, you know, he could tune into his creative spirit better. | ||
| You know, everyone's different. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This dude's the only dude that I've ever talked to that said Vicodin's made him creative. | ||
| That could easily have been it, you know. | ||
| Everybody's got their own fucking thing, man. | ||
| I mean, how many people have you come across where you go, this guy's just broken. | ||
| His brain's just not wired right. | ||
| His body's not wired right. | ||
| He got the wrong levels of all kinds of shit when he was in the womb. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Poor Lindsey. | ||
| That's our message for Lindsey. | ||
| Hang in there, girl. | ||
| You are going to get out in three months and I think that's when Lil Wayne gets out too and you can get together and make a fucking badass CD. How about that? | ||
| As Brock says, put some underwear on. | ||
| How about if Lindsey starts fucking rapping while she's in the pokey and comes out like some badass bitch rapper? | ||
| Dude, she's going to get fucking laid so much. | ||
| She's probably going to love it. | ||
| In jail? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's going to fuck her in jail? | ||
| Chicks? | ||
| Dude, she's in heaven. | ||
| Is she a lesbian? | ||
| Hell yeah, she is. | ||
| How do you know this? | ||
| Well, she used to date Samantha Ronson or whatever her name is. | ||
| Who is Samantha Ronson? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A really sweet DJ. You know DJs? | |
| I know Sam Ronson. | ||
| I know one DJ and I don't know why I know him because everybody always talks about that guy Tiesto. | ||
| Craig Borsari, one of the dudes who works for the UFC. I think he was the one who was telling me about this. | ||
| The guy sells out these gigantic fucking stadiums. | ||
| Might have been Craig. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| But he's like this huge, huge, huge fucking DJ where he sells out just gigantic events all over the world, man. | ||
| They come to see this guy do DJ and he makes his own electronic music. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| But how do you know? | ||
| How do you find out about these guys? | ||
| I used to do MySpace, but now Pandora. | ||
| Pandora. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Poor MySpace. | ||
| If you want to start off slow, just put in Fatboy Slim and then make a radio station based off that or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We talked about this. | ||
| Pandora's pretty badass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like the idea. | ||
| Creating your own radio station. | ||
| That's good stuff. | ||
| So, Brock. | ||
| Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| Brian was there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On the floor. | ||
| I'm so glad they didn't stop it, man. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Brock is one of those people that they don't have to worry about stopping. | ||
| It's going to take a few trains to really stop the guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A few trains? | |
| Trains to the head. | ||
| They didn't stop it, so I was happy. | ||
| I was so scared they were going to stop it. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, it looked like they were going to stop it. | ||
| I mean, he was just covering up, and Shane Karn was bombing on him. | ||
| And props to referee Josh Rosenthal, because if it wasn't for Josh Rosenthal, someone easily could have pulled the trigger earlier. | ||
| There's a few guys that I wouldn't have trusted in that situation. | ||
| Josh saw that he was okay. | ||
| He was going to get through it. | ||
| And he saw that Shane's punches were coming slower and slower. | ||
| And Shane, unfortunately, just blew his wad. | ||
| He had an adrenaline dump, I'm sure. | ||
| The excitement of the fact that he had the champ hurt on his back and that he was on top. | ||
| And he's like, this is over. | ||
| This fucking thing's over. | ||
| And he's pounding him and pounding him and pounding him. | ||
| And then all of a sudden he's like, fuck, there's two minutes left to go in this round. | ||
| And then he's got to keep going. | ||
| And by the end of those two minutes, there was nothing left. | ||
| He got back to his corner and literally could barely get up. | ||
| His legs were barely walking. | ||
| And he was fucked. | ||
| He said his legs seized up. | ||
| And he said he just went out there and he tried to do whatever he could. | ||
| But his body just was not responding. | ||
| He just completely adrenaline dumped and completely blew out all of his energy. | ||
| But goddamn, does he hit him hard before that? | ||
| Holy shit, that fucking Shane Carwin can punch. | ||
| He hits so hard. | ||
| He's so big. | ||
| But I think he's too big. | ||
| I think maybe, like... | ||
| Because he had to lose, like, 17 pounds to make 265. So he's, you know, walking in, like... | ||
| Like somewhere around 280ish, you know, on the day of the fight. | ||
| So I think that might be too big for his frame. | ||
| You know, I think he might be better off if he was like 250. You know, just a little lighter, but with more endurance. | ||
| His punches are still going to be ridiculously powerful. | ||
| Nobody can stand up the way that guy hits. | ||
| His punches will still be ridiculously powerful, but he'll have a little bit more cardio, you know? | ||
| Brock is just physically a bigger guy, man. | ||
| Brock really has a 270-pound man's body. | ||
| I mean, he's so wide. | ||
| He's just a big, giant freak. | ||
| Carlin's not as wide, you know? | ||
| He's still big as fuck, got big, giant hands and shit, but, you know, I think Brock maybe can carry a little bit more weight naturally than Shane can. | ||
| These guys, when they train really hard with weights and power lifting and shit like that, yeah, it makes you stronger. | ||
| It gives you a lot more muscle, and that muscle's got to get fed. | ||
| It's got to get fed by blood. | ||
| But goddamn, it was exciting as fuck before it was over. | ||
| How do you still have his mouthpiece? | ||
| Have you put it in yet? | ||
| Yeah, I got Brock Lesnar's mouthpiece. | ||
| Have you put it in yet? | ||
| Tasted the taste of a warrior? | ||
| It's right over there. | ||
| He stuck it in my pocket after it was over. | ||
| I said, I'm going to sell that shit on eBay, but I'm just going to hang out to it. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I'm a fan. | ||
| It's a trivia moment. | ||
| Plus, what a comeback. | ||
| When he came out for that second round, his hands were up high, and you just knew this motherfucker's not going away. | ||
| He got hit with some bombs, and he was still there, and still in really good shape. | ||
| That was really the big difference. | ||
| He took Shane down, got in Shane's half guard, passed, got on top of him, got him in an arm triangle, and put him to sleep. | ||
| It was fucking sweet. | ||
| Or put him, you know, to tap. | ||
| He would have gone to sleep. | ||
| He really cranked it tight. | ||
| And Brock is so gigantic. | ||
| You see, they're also called a side choke. | ||
| There's two different versions of it. | ||
| There's one like this. | ||
| You do it like this. | ||
| And that's why it's called an arm triangle. | ||
| But the way Brock did it, I think he did it with a gable grip where you do it like this where it's really more of a side choke. | ||
| But Brock is so big and so fucking strong that when he just crushes down like that, like... | ||
| You really don't have any options, man. | ||
| You're going to go to sleep. | ||
| He's just got much too much power. | ||
| He's just going to crush that whole area between your arm and your neck and everything's going to get smushed and there's not going to be any air. | ||
| That was one of the best UFCs, I think, in a long time, right? | ||
| Fuck yeah, it was. | ||
| Dude, I was standing up during the Lesnar fight. | ||
| It was so exciting, I couldn't fucking sit down. | ||
| I stood up. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| When Karwin hit him and he went to the ground, there was so much energy in the arena. | ||
| It was so unbelievable. | ||
| And then when Brock took him down at the end, the whole thing was just so nice. | ||
| And then when he tapped, it was just fucking craziness, man. | ||
| There was so much energy. | ||
| I stood up like three or four times. | ||
| I don't do that, man. | ||
| That's the only fight I've ever had to stand up in the middle of it because it was so crazy. | ||
| As far as sheer entertainment value, what a fucking fight. | ||
| There was a bunch of sheer entertainment value fights that were just off the charts. | ||
| Like Lieben and Akiyama. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit! | |
| Dude, that was crazy, man. | ||
| God! | ||
| For sheer entertainment, that fight was better than any fucking movie that's ever been made. | ||
| Has there ever been any photos of his face since then? | ||
| Lieben? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, Lieben's probably fine. | ||
| He probably looks today like nobody hit him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's tough as fuck. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| He can take a shot, dude. | ||
| He got nailed. | ||
| His legs went rubbery. | ||
| He bounces backwards for a second and then starts walking forwards again like a fucking zombie. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| He was literally right out of 28 days later. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| He can take bombs, man. | ||
| He takes them right on the chin and keeps going. | ||
| The only person that's been able to put him away is Anderson. | ||
| Anderson's just way too fast, way too technical, way too fluid, just way too gifted. | ||
| Anderson's just on another level. | ||
| But for a lot of other people, man, you know, it's like Arturo Gotti couldn't fight with Floyd Mayweather. | ||
| He got in there with Floyd Mayweather. | ||
| He just couldn't compete. | ||
| He couldn't compete with the style. | ||
| He couldn't compete with the technical superiority, the speed, the reflexes, the training. | ||
| Everything was superior, and he just got lit up. | ||
| But when he fought someone like Mickey Ward, who was in his range, he put on some of the most incredible fights ever. | ||
| It's just a matter of getting him the right opponent. | ||
| And Lieben keeps getting better and better. | ||
| He's beating high-level guys. | ||
| Aaron Simpson, the guy who beat before he beat this guy, is a bad motherfucker, man. | ||
| Aaron's a serious fucking wrestler. | ||
| Strong as shit, incredible endurance. | ||
| I mean, his fight with Tom Lawler, he got nailed from pillar to post in that first round. | ||
| And then in the second round... | ||
| He came back and he fucking started taking Lawler down. | ||
| In the third round, he came back and won that round too. | ||
| And wound up getting the decision when it looked like he was a dead man in the first round. | ||
| He was getting battered. | ||
| So this guy's tough as fuck. | ||
| So when Lieben put him away, it was like, wow, that's strong. | ||
| That's a strong statement, you know? | ||
| And then the next fight, to go right from that, two weeks later, to fight Akiyama, you know? | ||
| And Akiyama is a fucking bad dude, man. | ||
| Knocked out Dennis Kang. | ||
| He's fast as fuck. | ||
| Awesome judo. | ||
| Real solid grappler, you know? | ||
| He's a good dude, so leaving two fucking sweet wins in a row. | ||
| And how about that Christoph Sosinski-Stefan Bonner fight? | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| That's my second favorite of the night. | ||
| Dude, that was amazing. | ||
| Bonner just attacked like a man possessed. | ||
| Yeah, that was awesome. | ||
| He knew that it was do-or-die time. | ||
| He had lost to Coleman. | ||
| He had, you know, had the fight with Susinski. | ||
| Like, he was fighting... | ||
| Look, that guy will always have a home in the UFC because he's a part of the biggest fight in the history of the sport. | ||
| The most important fight. | ||
| The fight that got everybody to pay attention. | ||
| The fight with him and Stefan Bonner when they were on Spike TV, when it was the finals of the Ultimate Fighter, the very first season... | ||
| People were, so many people were tuning in while the fight was on that I think the amount of people viewing the fight, by the time the first fight of the card started to Stephen Bonner and Forrest Griffin, Forrest Griffin's fight, it like doubled, tripled, quadrupled. | ||
| At one point in time, some insane number, like 6 to 10 million they estimated, I forget what it was, but something crazy was watching that fight. | ||
| Well, nobody was watching Spike TV before that. | ||
| Just people were calling their friends and they were like, dude, you gotta fucking turn this on. | ||
| Turn on channel, whatever it is. | ||
| These two guys are beating the shit out of each other. | ||
| And Forrest Griffin and Stephen Bonner had like a movie fight. | ||
| It wasn't even real. | ||
| It was like a goddamn Every Which Way But Loose Clint Eastwood movie. | ||
| It was him fighting Tank Murdoch. | ||
| They beat each other all over the fucking place and kept coming. | ||
| They just went after each other for 15 solid minutes. | ||
| Nobody backed down for a second. | ||
| So he'll always have a strong place in the organization. | ||
| They'll always have love for that dude. | ||
| But he also knew that he wants to be back in the heat at 205. He wants to be fighting up to his potential. | ||
| And he knows he's had some good outings and some not so good outings. | ||
| The Jon Jones fight was a tough loss. | ||
| He had three tough losses in a row. | ||
| So he stepped in like a fucking wild man. | ||
| Fought like his life was on the line. | ||
| I was actually surprised to see him back. | ||
| Were you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm glad because I always liked that guy. | ||
| Well, you know, he got through when Coleman got cut, man. | ||
| Coleman fought Couture. | ||
| He got cut. | ||
| But right before Coleman beat Couture, or lost to Couture, rather, he beat Bonner. | ||
| Are you surprised that Kimbo was not giving an extra shot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yes and no. | ||
| I see the point. | ||
| Really, if he wasn't Kimbo, you would have to cut him. | ||
| Matt Mitrione beat him down, and it didn't look like he was in the right kind of condition. | ||
| It looks like he got really tired. | ||
| His technical prowess wasn't up to the level of Mitrione. | ||
| Mitrione improved much more from his time on The Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| And you also have to wonder about Kimbo's body. | ||
| Kimbo had some real knee problems on the show. | ||
| And the knee problems that he had on the show, they weren't like fixable things. | ||
| It's like bone-on-bone type shit. | ||
| Like he's worn out the cartilage in one of his knees, which means you can't train as hard. | ||
| You can't sprawl and you can't do the kind of wrestling training that you need. | ||
| You can't get your legs kicked the way you kind of need to get kicked. | ||
| You know, he's got like a pretty serious problem. | ||
| That problem kept him from fighting in the main event or getting another shot at getting back in the heat of the show, remember? | ||
| He got eliminated and then they offered him a fight and he passed on the fight because of his knee. | ||
| That's not something that gets better. | ||
| So it's like, unless he's got some sort of a cartilage replacement surgery, or I don't know what they're even able to do these days, he's got a problem with that knee, and that knee is going to keep him from being able to train the way a GSP trains, or Tiago Alves trains, or any of the killers. | ||
| So it's, you know, I don't know. | ||
| I think you can still make a lot of money off the guy and the guy still wants a fight. | ||
| I look at it as like, you know, Butterbean. | ||
| Remember when Butterbean was king of the four-rounders? | ||
| You know, it doesn't mean you don't use Butterbean on your car just because he's not going to beat Larry Holmes. | ||
| You know, get Butterbean out there. | ||
| Fuck it, you know, put him out there. | ||
| It's still entertaining. | ||
| You know, it's like Chris Lieben. | ||
| I mean, Chris Lieben is, you know, he's battling it out with the best in the world. | ||
| He's beating Akiyama, beating, you know, he's starting to move up in the chain. | ||
| But the end of the rainbow for him is always going to be Anderson Silva. | ||
| You know, Anderson, I mean, look, anybody can beat anybody on any given day. | ||
| If you run into one of Chris Lieben's punches, you could be in a lot of trouble. | ||
| But technically, the two are so far apart. | ||
| Anderson is in such a different level athletically. | ||
| His ease of movement. | ||
| It's just like, what do you do? | ||
| You're not going to cut Lieben. | ||
| Why would you cut him? | ||
| He's one of the most entertaining fighters in the world. | ||
| So even if he can't beat Anderson, you've got to keep him around. | ||
| Even if he can never beat the best guy in the world, which I'm not saying he can't. | ||
| You never fucking know. | ||
| And he's improving, and shit happens, and weirder things have taken place in this world. | ||
| But even if he doesn't... | ||
| If he can never beat Anderson, he should still be around because he's awesome. | ||
| He's fucking fun as shit to watch. | ||
| So I think that about Kimbo, too. | ||
| I think Kimbo's fun to watch. | ||
| And even though he's not... | ||
| At the level that, you know, Gene Dos Santos is or Cain Velasquez is, he's not at that level. | ||
| I mean, you just got to match him correctly. | ||
| Just accept the fact that this guy is never going to be a title contender. | ||
| And even though that's not really what the UFC is all about, the UFC is the very best guys fighting the very best guys. | ||
| It doesn't maybe hurt throwing a young gun in there with a gatekeeper, make Kimbo a gatekeeper, you know, make him a guy that you test young guys with. | ||
| I think that makes it kind of interesting. | ||
| As long as Kimball wants to keep doing it, and if he keeps losing and then, you know, gets to a point where nobody wants to see him anymore, then maybe stop using him. | ||
| Give him a chance, though. | ||
| What do you think Dana White would say about having a UFC bar that was just in the middle, there was an octagon, and every night you just go there and there's just people fighting constantly? | ||
| We couldn't do that. | ||
| We couldn't have that many people fighting. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| It would be too hard to sanction it. | ||
| It would be too hard to ensure that everybody had their proper medicals. | ||
| It would be too hard to find qualified fighters because they can't fight. | ||
| Lieben fought Aaron Simpson and two weeks later he fought Akiyama. | ||
| Very unusual. | ||
| For most people, there's a few months off in between fights, and a lot of that is because you get beat up, and you've got to relax and rest and heal up. | ||
| If you have any injuries, they have to be fixed. | ||
| Some guys break their hands. | ||
| Some guys pull ligaments. | ||
| They have to get operations. | ||
| Shogun just got an operation on his knee. | ||
| Can you imagine if they did that, like in Vegas or something like that? | ||
| I think a better bar solution, since the UFC has this gigantic library of 116 events, the best idea is to serve good food, have a cool bar, and have the UFC playing on all these different fucking televisions. | ||
| Yeah, a steak bar. | ||
| Yes, or they have it on every goddamn TV in the room. | ||
| During a live show, they have it on every goddamn TV in the room, and you have to pay 20 bucks to get in, or whatever it is. | ||
| Goddamn, they would clean the fuck up. | ||
| We're going to the UFC bar, because really, there's a cool thing about watching it live. | ||
| I love watching fights live, because it's crazy, and you're right there when it's going down. | ||
| The experience is nothing like anything you've ever had before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If... | |
| Your seats are good. | ||
| But if your seats aren't that good, you know, if you're in the bleachers, you know, it's kind of cool being there still. | ||
| But it's pretty fucking badass to go to a place with a bunch of other people and watch it on TV. You know? | ||
| Like having a UFC bar where people, you know, if you can't afford to go to Vegas, you know, you're living in another city, everybody, all your friends are going to go to the UFC bar and watch the fight. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I think it would be for MMA fans alone and everything. | ||
| I think Dana could have his own little menu, like Dana's desserts, Brock's beverages. | ||
| Dana's desserts. | ||
| Pinkberry. | ||
| Joe Rogan's ravioli. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ravioli. | |
| Why do I have ravioli? | ||
| Because you have time. | ||
| Hey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey. | |
| Quiz by ravioli. | ||
| That would work. | ||
| That would work. | ||
| But having live fights, I don't think that would work. | ||
| I think that would be a little too much. | ||
| Yeah, but no, seriously. | ||
| They have UFC gyms now, you know that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sure that's doing good too. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know anything about it. | ||
| Pretty crazy. | ||
| Some dude Facebooked me from a UFC show. | ||
| He's like, I'm the manager of UFC gym. | ||
| If you're ever in town, you want to work out. | ||
| I'm like, alright, buddy. | ||
| I think that sounds like a great idea. | ||
| Fucking do some squats at your UFC gym. | ||
| Take a goddamn Thai boat class. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I wonder what kind of classes they're going to have. | ||
| What kind of liability do you have if you let dudes actually beat the shit out of each other? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Because if you have sparring, the bottom line is you're not going through extensive medicals when you have sparring. | ||
| When dudes spar in kickboxing classes... | ||
| I've never taken a blood test. | ||
| I've never taken a fucking CAT scan. | ||
| I've never taken shit. | ||
| But that's like any workout. | ||
| Any gym has to probably have. | ||
| Just sign here. | ||
| We're not responsible. | ||
| Dude, you don't even sign anything. | ||
| At boxing gyms, most of them you don't sign shit. | ||
| The places I've worked out on, they'll just slap gloves on you and you climb in the ring with another dude that you don't even know and you say, okay, just go easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go easy. | |
| Let me see what you can do. | ||
| And you're fucking throwing punches with some dude that you don't even know. | ||
| And, you know, who knows? | ||
| Most of the time dudes are cool, but every now and then dudes will try to take your head off. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| You might have an aneurysm just ready to pop right behind your eyeball. | ||
| And he touches you in the chin, your legs go, you fall, you hit your head on the back of the mat, and that thing bursts and just fills your eyeballs with blood and you fucking die right there. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| I need to go to the... | ||
| When I went to get my eyes checked a while back, they were like, there's something in the back of your eye. | ||
| It's probably nothing, but you should take it to a doctor. | ||
| And I'm like, ah! | ||
| Oh, you've got a brain tumor. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That was like 10 years ago, though. | ||
| I would know it right now. | ||
| You've got to smoke a lot of weed and lose weight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And eat a lot of vegetables. | ||
| 15 pounds today. | ||
| Drink my kombucha, too. | ||
| You've lost 15 pounds over the course of how long? | ||
| Since the 18th of June. | ||
| That's a lot of weight. | ||
| How the fuck are you losing that much weight? | ||
| Cracks, cigarettes, hookers. | ||
| Now, I've modified Weight Watcher, the Weight Watcher diet, which is... | ||
| Modified, meaning you're taking less calories. | ||
| Well, Weight Watchers is you have this many points, you use them based on... | ||
| And this is the food, like an orange is two points, you know, a sandwich is six points, whatever. | ||
| So what I've been doing is doing the Weight Watcher diet, but only eating zero to one point shit. | ||
| So mostly vegetables, mostly protein. | ||
| Do you eat like little small meals to keep like your metabolism going? | ||
| I eat small meals throughout the day. | ||
| But it's all like one point, zero point shit. | ||
| And I'm not going anywhere close to my allowed 35 points a day. | ||
| I'm probably doing seven. | ||
| Seven points a day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like a little chick. | ||
| And that's just like chicken. | ||
| You're like a goddamn chick, bro. | ||
| You're like Lindsay Lohan. | ||
| You're starving yourself to death. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| No, but I'm making sure I'm getting all the nutrients and proteins and all that stuff. | ||
| Since I've known Brian, just for FYI, since I've known... | ||
| Why is your phone on? | ||
| That's not me, is it? | ||
| Or alerts. | ||
| You're getting alerts. | ||
| Since I've known Brian, he's done this like five times where he got heavy and then he got skinny. | ||
| He got heavy. | ||
| Yo-yo dieting is one of the safest ways to longevity your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Longeviate. | |
| He went from... | ||
| You were up at like... | ||
| What was the heaviest you were ever at? | ||
| 243. 243. And by the way, he's... | ||
| How tall are you? | ||
| 5'8". | ||
| 5'8". | ||
| Okay. | ||
| 243. That's giant. | ||
| He was a fat guy. | ||
| His legs used to touch together in the middle. | ||
| He had to wear crazy pants. | ||
| His pants were always way too long because his waist and his butt were way too big for pants that were that long. | ||
| So his pants were always shuffling. | ||
| And then this guy got dumped by his girlfriend and went... | ||
| Fiance. | ||
| Fiance. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| It's much more devastating than just a girlfriend. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Seven years. | ||
| They were together for a long time. | ||
| It was very devastating. | ||
| And he went on a goddamn Weight Watcher elliptical machine rampage over the course of how long? | ||
| Three months. | ||
| You lost like 70 pounds, right? | ||
| I was 163 was the lowest I got. | ||
| Then I decided to stop. | ||
| And that was in three months. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so unhealthy. | ||
| That's so unhealthy, dude. | ||
| You basically starved yourself. | ||
| Do you have pictures of yourself when you were that skinny? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you have anything that would shock the people at home? | ||
| Yeah, I do actually. | ||
| I have something really disturbing. | ||
| Pull that up so I can take a look at that because it was really strange. | ||
| It turns out Brian has a weird head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We just don't know because it's always embraced in a roll of soft tissue and you don't get to see the true shape of his head. | ||
| But when you just see Skinny Brian, Skinny Brian is a strange dude. | ||
| I don't even know what nationality he is. | ||
| He looks like he's a fucking alien. | ||
| I'll find it. | ||
| Where's Kenny Bryant? | ||
| What we gotta do is we gotta make your neck build up to match your head. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| You can have a big head as long as you have a big neck to support that big head. | ||
| But you got a big head, son, and you don't have a big neck. | ||
| And that shit looks strange. | ||
| Well, that's because... | ||
| That's because your head is used to your body being gigantic. | ||
| So what you got to do is you got to build your neck up. | ||
| You know that's one of the most popular things in Hollywood though for actors to have big heads. | ||
| Neck exercises? | ||
| They want you to have a big head. | ||
| What is that about? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a thing where maybe it's a more brains thing. | ||
| That's not what I wanted. | ||
| But it can't be true because I know some people with big heads are stupid as fuck. | ||
| Here's a picture of me holding my old pants up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, this is not helping the people at home. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I'm going to find a better one. | ||
| I'll post it on my Twitter later today. | ||
| Well, when you do, I'll retweet it. | ||
| Because I know people are fucking excited to see what you look like when you look strange. | ||
| There's one picture I have that's just so scary. | ||
| But what was interesting is when you went from being a fat guy to a skinny guy, you also found out that you're attractive. | ||
| And you started getting girls. | ||
| Girls were liking you, man. | ||
| It was like, you know, chicks should be into Brian. | ||
| And Brian was like, wow, this is crazy. | ||
| Look at what this is like. | ||
| But then what happens? | ||
| And I settle in. | ||
| Then you get a girlfriend. | ||
| I get a girlfriend. | ||
| I gain it all back. | ||
| Never gained it all back. | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| I'm probably 195 right now. | ||
| 195. Wow. | ||
| So, at least you're still 40-whatever pounds away from what you were. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I don't want to get back to 165. That was way too low. | ||
| I looked like I had AIDS. No, you didn't. | ||
| I thought I did. | ||
| You just looked like what you're supposed to look like, dude. | ||
| You're just so used to seeing yourself gigantic. | ||
| You did not look like you had AIDS. I swear. | ||
| You never looked scary skinny. | ||
| You never did. | ||
| It looked weird because all of a sudden you were this tiny person. | ||
| That's you. | ||
| Isn't that ridiculous? | ||
| That looks like a healthy person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I hate to say that, but that looks like a healthy person. | ||
| Your problem is your head's too big for your body. | ||
| You've got to start working out. | ||
| If you started working out, dude, you'd be a sexy bitch right there. | ||
| You're looking sexy as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a dude that I know that has the tiniest head, and it always trips me out whenever I talk to him. | ||
| He has it backwards? | ||
| He has the tiniest head ever? | ||
| He has a very small head. | ||
| And all I can think of when I'm next to him is what it'd be like to punch him in his little tiny head. | ||
| I mean, I don't want to do it, and I would never do it. | ||
| But I just think, man, if you punch this guy, and not even me, if a person did punch this guy in his tiny little head, you could just crush his head. | ||
| He's got a bird head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd rather have a way big two head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Way big two? | ||
| Way big two. | ||
| Filled with smarts. | ||
| My fucking stupid head is smart as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, your... | ||
| That's another skinny photo, Brian. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| We'll put these up on Twitter. | ||
| I'm telling you, dude, that looks healthy. | ||
| I think I look like a gay lesbian right now. | ||
| Brian, that's what you look like, goddammit. | ||
| You're a gay lesbian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Underneath it all, that's what you look like when you're thin. | |
| That's hilarious, but I don't want to be a gay lesbian. | ||
| But how come you can't stay the same way? | ||
| Don't you monitor your weight and you see it go up? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| What's the process? | ||
| When you see it going up, what keeps you from just recognizing that and cutting back on your food? | ||
| Well, it's not even a cutback of food. | ||
| I have the metabolism of a small goat. | ||
| Small goats are skinny as fuck, dude. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| They're lean. | ||
| That's a terrible example. | ||
| I meant it backwards. | ||
| You have a metabolism of a fat person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I fucking eat, like, two pieces of pizza. | ||
| I'll gain it. | ||
| So if you just gave up and just were a sedentary fuck and had a normal 9-5 job, we ate shit at the office and ate shit for lunch, and then you came home and you were too tired to work and you ate and then watched TV, you'd just be a giant fat dude. | ||
| I'd be complete. | ||
| Crazy huge. | ||
| I wonder how many dudes... | ||
| My grandmother was like 600 pounds on my dad's side. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was humongous. | ||
| Diabetes, everything. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| Yeah, my dad's side. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder how many dudes who are like that have like a hormonal imbalance, a thyroid imbalance or something. | ||
| That could be corrected. | ||
| Well, it's so... | ||
| Well, I got mine checked. | ||
| I'm supposedly fine, whatever. | ||
| Your thyroid's fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They check your testosterone? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| It's non-detective. | ||
| I was listening to Sirius Satellite Radio the other day, and one of the things they were saying about guys who gain a lot of weight is a lot of times it's just some sort of a hormone imbalance, and that it's maybe a testosterone imbalance. | ||
| They could cure it with some cream. | ||
| Yeah, but when I just get more hairier, I don't need that anymore in my life. | ||
| Listen, bitch, what are you going to take? | ||
| Hair and have some fucking energy and not become fat immediately? | ||
| I should get that checked, honestly, because I bet you I'm fucking non-detected. | ||
| Are you tired all the time? | ||
| I'm tired from when I wake up in the morning and I'm tired. | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| And especially because you don't do anything that forces your body to produce it. | ||
| You're not involved in any heavy lifting or anything. | ||
| I think that's one of the most important things when you're maintaining your health as you get older. | ||
| You have to do strength training. | ||
| You have to do training that makes your body constantly regenerate tissue, keep your glands pumping. | ||
| What do you want to say? | ||
| When I wake up, I really feel tired. | ||
| I never have woken up and be like, wow, let's go. | ||
| You might have sleep apnea too, man. | ||
| I probably have that too. | ||
| Do you snore? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chicks tell you to snore? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Do you ever gag in your sleep? | ||
| No, I don't do that though. | ||
| Well, you should get tested, man. | ||
| I got a new mouthpiece that I started wearing because I got diagnosed with sleep apnea a few years ago. | ||
| And when the doctor created this mouthpiece, it's got Dr. Karopian in Tarzana. | ||
| We created a mouthpiece that keeps your tongue down. | ||
| The problem is I have a big tongue and my neck is big from working out all the time and my hole that I have in the back of my throat is not so big. | ||
| And so when I lie down, my tongue falls back as I relax and covers over the fucking hole and I gag and cough. | ||
| A lot of times it's fat people. | ||
| Fat people have it, but athletes have it a lot too. | ||
| Anybody who has a big neck, if you have a big tongue, it's probably going to happen to you. | ||
| So this mouthpiece kind of keeps your tongue down. | ||
| Well, he just invented a new one. | ||
| I just started using this new one. | ||
| Dude, it's incredible. | ||
| I wake up, I feel so fucking rested. | ||
| Mrs. Rogan says I don't snore at all anymore. | ||
| And I feel so much better. | ||
| And my dreams are super vivid, man. | ||
| My dreams are really intense. | ||
| They're really like very, very lifelike to the point where sometimes my alarm goes off in mid-dream. | ||
| And I'm like, wow, that was a dream? | ||
| Because they're not even like crazy dreams. | ||
| They're dreams like life dreams. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| They don't have a dream-like feel to them. | ||
| They feel like I dropped another level below in my depth of my sleeping. | ||
| Maybe I'm reaching a REM level that I wasn't reaching before because I was snoring all the time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It would choke and I have this sleep apnea problem. | ||
| Because even the mouthpiece didn't totally cure it. | ||
| It definitely made it better. | ||
| But I still snored. | ||
| This new one, I don't snore at all. | ||
| Is that a picture of you and Jenna Jameson? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When she was... | ||
| What? | ||
| We were in Arizona. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, what's the goal now? | ||
| You're at 195, and what's your goal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trying to get to 165. Yeah, you should get your hormones checked out, son. | |
| You might have problems. | ||
| I should. | ||
| You know, they can... | ||
| You can do things to cure it, but one of the things that works is squats. | ||
| Squats and, you know, heavy lifting makes your body produce more testosterone, makes your body produce more growth hormone. | ||
| It's very good for you. | ||
| But, you gotta not be a pussy. | ||
| You gotta actually do them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't seem like you're the type of dude that's really into... | ||
| I just seem like the energy I have per day is so small that to me... | ||
| Is that how you look at it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like I'm barely trying not to go back to sleep. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| You really need to get yourself checked out. | ||
| What if you have a real issue? | ||
| I probably do, but if I've had it, I've had it my whole life. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| If I've had it. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking goddamn kids, get off my lawn. | |
| We haven't looked at the questions on Twitter in forever. | ||
| Oh, here's the other thing that I did last week that I forgot. | ||
| I accidentally gave my phone number out on Twitter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's going on with that? | ||
| I fucked up royally. | ||
| I gave my phone number out. | ||
| I gave it to Doug Benson because Doug was going to come to Vegas this weekend and he wanted to come hang out with us at the House of Blues. | ||
| And I said, yeah, man. | ||
| I said, I can even get you into the UFC. Here's my phone number. | ||
| Call me. | ||
| And I put it in the main Twitter box instead of the direct message box. | ||
| I thought I was sending a direct message. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So I tweeted my fucking number to the whole world. | ||
| So I was like, God damn it. | ||
| And then it just started vibrating and vibrating and the calls were just coming in like they never stopped. | ||
| It was like one after the other. | ||
| I've got 130-something thousand Twitter friends and who knows how many, maybe 10,000 might have seen it. | ||
| I tried to delete it, but it was too late. | ||
| It was out there. | ||
| And so then as I was driving to the Verizon store to go change my number, I just started answering phone calls. | ||
| I'm like, what's up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this Joe Rogan? | |
| I'm like, yeah, man. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm like, I'm on my way to the Verizon store. | ||
| I'm just turning in my phone. | ||
| I would answer it here for you guys and show you, but I have Verizon, and Verizon doesn't work here where I live. | ||
| But I did it all weekend. | ||
| I just kept it as a fan line. | ||
| You did act very nice, though. | ||
| You could have told all those morons who called you and ruined your phone number. | ||
| You could have just posted all those online and fucked them. | ||
| But you were nice about it. | ||
| You took the high road. | ||
| Well, what are they doing? | ||
| They're just, look, I fucked up. | ||
| It's out there. | ||
| You're not going to take it away. | ||
| It's not like everyone's going to be so cool that no one's going to call you on that number. | ||
| Wouldn't that be great, though, if everyone was cool? | ||
| No, because some of the people just wanted to call to say hi. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| If you were 18 years old and you were a fan of some dude and all of a sudden he's got his phone number online and you call him and he actually answers, he's like, holy shit! | ||
| That's most of the calls. | ||
| Most of the calls were people saying, holy shit, and they were all cool. | ||
| What do you think about Fedor losing? | ||
| Is he out of the UFC now? | ||
| Is he never going to bring him in now? | ||
| I had all these conversations about comedy. | ||
| I had conversations about MMA. I had a bunch of different conversations about all kinds of shit. | ||
| And I was like, I'm going to keep this phone. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| So I kept it as a fan line. | ||
| If you want to call it, I really do answer it. | ||
| Not all the time, but I pick it up every now and then. | ||
| 818-517-2774. | ||
| That's my phone number. | ||
| That's my fan line now. | ||
| It's so weird that you just said that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's the real number, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, shit! | |
| He's giving out the real number! | ||
| But I thought that would be kind of cooler, too, to actually give out the real number. | ||
| Instead of getting another number and making it my fan line, it's actually kind of cool that you actually have my real number. | ||
| I mean, that's like my legit number that I've had for fucking a decade. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, that's my number. | ||
| And that's the deal. | ||
| This weekend, I'm going to be at the Ontario Improv with the one and only Joey Coco Diaz. | ||
| And that's going to be a lot of fun. | ||
| Ontario's a badass club. | ||
| It's selling out quickly. | ||
| If you want to get in, I know a lot of people got shut out in Irvine. | ||
| I talked to a lot of people that were disappointed, and I'm sorry I didn't get in. | ||
| But these clubs, they only seat like 300 people. | ||
| So if you want to come to a show, especially like the Friday shows and the Saturday shows, Sunday sometimes is a little easier because you've got less people out doing things. | ||
| But Friday and Saturday, those fucking tickets sell quick. | ||
| Irvine was awesome. | ||
| Irvine last weekend. | ||
| Every show sold out. | ||
| Every show was cool. | ||
| People were cool as fuck. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| And then House of Blues was awesome too. | ||
| Although I did get a tad too drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a touch. | |
| Yeah, what happened? | ||
| One shot over the line. | ||
| Not too bad. | ||
| Because I didn't actually... | ||
| No, nothing. | ||
| It was nothing bad. | ||
| The show was great. | ||
| But I definitely got too drunk. | ||
| And I told the second half of a joke twice. | ||
| But it was because I didn't tell the first half of it right the first time. | ||
| So I tried to redo it. | ||
| And then I realized as I was saying it, I was like, I already said this. | ||
| Does that suck to you? | ||
| It does, but I just admit it. | ||
| Do you just stop and admit it? | ||
| I just said what happened. | ||
| And Eddie's the one who pointed out. | ||
| I go, yeah, I know, but I did it because I fucked up this part of it. | ||
| It's not a good enough answer. | ||
| The answer really is, I was drunk. | ||
| That's the answer. | ||
| I'm saying what I did wrong, but the only reason why I did it again is because I was drunk. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I didn't have anything to eat, and I had like three shots in a row on stage, which is two shots too many. | ||
| But still, it was still a fun, really happy crowd. | ||
| They were cool. | ||
| Sam Tripoli was hilarious. | ||
| Sam was awesome. | ||
| He crushed it. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| Yeah, that place could go either way. | ||
| You know, sometimes UFC nights, that place is, you know, the House of Blues is just a madhouse. | ||
| Well, we fixed it. | ||
| We fixed it. | ||
| We fixed it when we got rid of the standing only. | ||
| That changed the vibe of it so much because people were uncomfortable before and you felt that uncomfort from them because of the fact that they had to stand and watch a show. | ||
| And I made a lot more money then on those shows, but I don't care. | ||
| I don't want people to stand up. | ||
| I think it sucks. | ||
| When we saw stand up, when we saw Stan Hope, rather, that shit cured me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No more stand-up shows. | ||
| I'll never make someone pay to see me stand up ever again. | ||
| We fucked up in Memphis. | ||
| Joey and I did a show in Memphis. | ||
| It had to be stand-up because it was a really tiny place. | ||
| And if it wasn't stand-up, it would only seat like 100 people. | ||
| And all these people were standing up by the bar. | ||
| So half the crowd was standing. | ||
| And they were all talking at full voice. | ||
| Like bar voice. | ||
| Like no one was like paying attention to the show. | ||
| When Joey went on stage, no one was. | ||
| It was like maybe 10% of the people in the bar weren't talking. | ||
| It was just a low rumble. | ||
| And then, you know, it was like, okay, this is the final straw. | ||
| I'll never have a standing room show ever. | ||
| It's not fun to watch, man. | ||
| Part of what is good about a show is you can kick back and relax. | ||
| What would be awesome is if every fucking place you went had real comfortable seats. | ||
| If you could sit on a couch like this, if that's how you watched every comedy show, kicking back and chilling on a couch, it would be way funnier because you'd be feeling relaxed. | ||
| You'd have no tension. | ||
| You're more likely to laugh at shit. | ||
| When you're standing, your fucking feet hurt. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| The first person I ever heard say that was Jimmy Norton. | ||
| And I heard Jimmy talking about it. | ||
| He was promoting one of his shows. | ||
| And he was talking about, you know, people were calling in and saying that they heard there were standing tickets in the back. | ||
| And Jimmy was like, no, no, no. | ||
| My show is a standing show. | ||
| And I was like, wow, he's like real adamant about that. | ||
| But I didn't think it was that big of a deal. | ||
| I'm like, well, maybe he's just, you know, he's more rigid with his style or something. | ||
| And he wants to make it like that. | ||
| But then I, you know, I realized that that's the right thing to do. | ||
| Those standing shows, those Stan Hope shows, I mean, they're fun and everything, but it's not as fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To me, I don't know if it was my age or what. | ||
| The whole time, I'm just focusing on the pain of my standing, like, how uncomfortable it was. | ||
| It's not an age thing, man. | ||
| I didn't like standing up with a concrete floor when I was 10. Yeah. | ||
| You know, it doesn't feel good. | ||
| When I worked at Gateway, I had to do it eight hours and you weren't allowed to sit down eight hours a day. | ||
| So you'd find, like, the thickest shoes and then you'd put, like, the best, like, inserts in. | ||
| That shit's not good for you, man. | ||
| Oh, it's not good. | ||
| Your body's supposed to be moving around, too. | ||
| When I do stand-up and I'm on stage for an hour and a half or whatever I'm on for, I'm never hurt. | ||
| I feel fine. | ||
| I get off. | ||
| I feel energized. | ||
| But standing in one place and not moving at all for an hour and a half, that sucks. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| You're carrying your weight. | ||
| You don't even think about it, but you're not even moving. | ||
| You don't even get blood flowing through it. | ||
| And you're right next to other people, so you can't stretch your arms out and Move your body and touch your toes and shit. | ||
| If you don't do that, man, your body feels like shit. | ||
| I think it's very important. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I don't like doing comedy too much in bars anymore. | ||
| I'll do it every now and then just for a goof, just to experience something different, get a different taste of comedy. | ||
| I'll do shitty little Hollywood gigs every now and again. | ||
| But I think it's very important. | ||
| The right atmosphere has to be set. | ||
| The same atmosphere that's good for music is not the same atmosphere that's good for comedy. | ||
| Music, you could go up and people could be talking like, how's everybody doing out there? | ||
| And then you play your song, man. | ||
| You don't require their attention 100%, their complete interaction. | ||
| You don't require that. | ||
| You don't require a response, a definite response from them. | ||
| Comedy, though. | ||
| It's tricky. | ||
| Very tricky. | ||
| Setting up the atmosphere is so tricky. | ||
| It's why it's important. | ||
| I always go on the road with dudes who I think are funny. | ||
| I always go on the road with friends. | ||
| It's so important. | ||
| The worst thing you could ever do is go on the road and a guy opens for you and the guy fucking sucks. | ||
| He doesn't just suck. | ||
| He sucks aggressively and it's bad material and it's badly done. | ||
| It's like the totally different crowd that you would have that he would have normally too. | ||
| Yeah, most of them would never have a crowd at all. | ||
| The really bad ones. | ||
| And I've been one of those really bad ones, by the way. | ||
| I'm not shitting on them. | ||
| I mean, it's part of the development process. | ||
| And writing this book that I'm writing about a lot of my early comedy days, it's making me rehash old bombing stories that I forgot. | ||
| Terrible, fucking disastrous tales of the road. | ||
| And they're fucking crazy. | ||
| But a lot of it was just because I sucked. | ||
| I was just terrible. | ||
| I didn't know how to relax back then. | ||
| I didn't know how to do comedy yet. | ||
| I was really just fucking feeling it out. | ||
| Which is fine and good. | ||
| It's a thing you have to go through. | ||
| But I don't want people going through it before I get up on stage. | ||
| Because if they do it right before you, it's like it taints the whole room. | ||
| It's like someone just came on stage and just shit into their minds, you know? | ||
| And then you're forced to like clean everything up and start from scratch, you know? | ||
| You have to like do damage control, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| This comic I know, he's, I think, 20 years old, and he's just the nicest guy, little kid ever. | ||
| And he's always asking for advice to Ari and me and stuff like that. | ||
| Just this really nice guy. | ||
| I can't tell just how nice this guy is. | ||
| Did you fuck him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you saying? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| Well, he just told me the other day that he's going to be like lead role in like a real movie now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he's going to go from this nice little open mic young kid now, he's going to be like lead role in a movie. | ||
| It's a big movie or an independent movie? | ||
| Well, I think it's a big movie. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What it is, it's supposed to be like Cloverfield, but it's at a party with Generation X guys or whatever. | ||
| And it becomes a monster movie? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| How it's recorded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a bunch of people with cell phones and stuff like that. | |
| You know what, man? | ||
| Man, I'm not buying that anymore. | ||
| I bought that shit with, like, the... | ||
| I thought it was kind of interesting, the Blair Witch Project, how they did that. | ||
| I thought that was a good movie. | ||
| I mean, it was really, like, for what it was... | ||
| When we saw the Blair Witch Project, the first time I saw it, was we were in Houston, and Chris McGuire and I were working at the Laugh Stop, and this was way back in the day, you know, whenever it came out. | ||
| And this dude who worked at the movie theater across the street came to the show. | ||
| And after the show, we're all hanging out, and... | ||
| Smoking weed! | ||
| And the dude goes, hey, do you guys want to go watch the Blair Witch Project right now? | ||
| We can all watch it. | ||
| We'll set it up. | ||
| I got the keys. | ||
| We'll turn it on. | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| So it was like a midnight show, okay? | ||
| So we went over there at 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| And this dude had the keys, unlocked the place, we got popcorn and shit, and it was just him, the dude, he worked there, a couple other people that worked with him, like a guy and a girl, and me and Chris McGuire. | ||
| It was just five of us, and we watched the Blair Witch Project, and it was badass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was the perfect way to watch it. | ||
| Freaked me out. | ||
| The second time I watched it, it was terrible. | ||
| did not work not only did it not work there was some dude who brought his baby and this fucking mexican dude and his baby was making all this noise he's like two you know and you know so a bunch of people like shushed him and he got aggressive with the people fuck you bitch don't fucking shush me bitch and i was like okay | ||
| now i have to fucking think about this guy and his fucking inconsiderate ways and he's got a baby and people trying to shush him and he's you know fucking yelling at them obscenities and threatening them I'll fucking kick your ass, bitch, and that kind of shit. | ||
| So now you gotta think about him for the fucking movie, so it was a bad experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I hate that. | |
| I don't really like going to movies anymore. | ||
| It's a roll of the dice. | ||
| Especially when nowadays I can get a Blu-ray. | ||
| I can wait six months. | ||
| The experience at my house now is better than going to a movie. | ||
| If you have a nice, good-sized TV and you've got a good-sized sound system, you don't have to worry. | ||
| I can pee breaks. | ||
| I can fucking smoke weed. | ||
| You can have whatever food you want. | ||
| You can have a comfortable couch to watch on. | ||
| It's a way better experience. | ||
| But people like the event of being out there with other people. | ||
| You know, people like, that's one of the things people like about a concert. | ||
| You know, if fucking Ozzy Osbourne was playing just to you, and it was just you and Ozzy alone with his band in a room, you probably wouldn't even want to be there. | ||
| You know, he'd be like, maybe listen to a song or two, and he'd be like, this is crazy, he's looking me in the eyes and singing, and fucking, you know, you'd have to look at you, you're the only one there. | ||
| But if you're, you know, one of 15,000 in an arena, then it's cool. | ||
| Then it's... | ||
| Then it's fun, then it's crazy, but... | ||
| I think movie theaters need to reboot, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think they need to stop going, hey, we're charging you $14 for tickets, $8 for a popcorn, $5 for a pop. | ||
| I think they need to make it... | ||
| It is kind of fucked that you have to pay that much just to watch it. | ||
| Whereas if you want to own it, it's like $30 in a few months. | ||
| Not even that! | ||
| You can get a Best Buy for $14.99 on DVD. $12.99 on DVD. Not Blu-ray, though, right? | ||
| Blu-ray... | ||
| $30? | ||
| Sometimes opening week or first week, they'll have it on sale for like $17... | ||
| Yeah, if you watch something on Blu-ray, it's so much better. | ||
| It's so much more comfortable watching shit at home. | ||
| I watched The Wolfman the other day. | ||
| Again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I watched it again. | ||
| I don't even like it. | ||
| It's a terrible movie, but I think it's dope when it's at home. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When it's at home, I like it. | ||
| Yeah, it's not bad. | ||
| When I saw it in the movie theater, I'm like, I paid for this fucking stupid movie. | ||
| This movie's retarded. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did I say that was pretty good? | ||
| Oh, The Crazies. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Dude, The Crazies. | ||
| It's a good goddamn horror movie. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to tell you the premise because I didn't know a thing about it. | ||
| I'll give you the Blu-ray. | ||
| I got it up here. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| I didn't know a thing about it. | ||
| I knew nothing. | ||
| But someone had said, this is a really scary movie. | ||
| Someone Twittered it. | ||
| So I'm going to check it out because I don't know. | ||
| And I love when I don't know anything about a movie. | ||
| I didn't know nothing. | ||
| I hadn't seen a single preview of I saw a photo with a guy with a pitchfork. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all I knew. | ||
| So I'm like, okay, some crazy shit, obviously. | ||
| Guy's killing people with a pitchfork. | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| I mean, not the best movie in the world, but a good goddamn horror movie. | ||
| Good, solid, holy shit horror movie. | ||
| And I'm like, why wasn't this movie popular? | ||
| Why didn't this movie go somewhere in the movie theater? | ||
| It's pretty fucking good. | ||
| I didn't hear a thing about it. | ||
| Did you hear anything about it? | ||
| I just remember the advertising, how they advertised it. | ||
| The Last Airbender. | ||
| I have not seen it. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because you're not fooling me again, you fuck. | ||
| M. Night Shyamalama Ding Dong. | ||
| Your movies are goddamn terrible, sir. | ||
| I think he's done. | ||
| You motherfucker. | ||
| Half the internet sat there when he had 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. | ||
| It was like, yes, this is hilarious! | ||
| I know, he had 0% on Rotten Tomatoes for a long time. | ||
| Was it like 6 now or 7 or something? | ||
| Yeah, he's got a few percent now. | ||
| There's a few fools out there. | ||
| Or some staff members from M. Night Shyamalama Ding Dong's fucking... | ||
| What makes me even more angry is the fact that the opposite is happening with Toy Story 3, because that's a movie, I don't care if you're the most angriest person in the world, you'll sit there and you'll go, at least, yeah, that was a good movie. | ||
| Those Pixar movies are always good, man. | ||
| They're so good at it. | ||
| One bad one? | ||
| I think there was one or two bad ones, and it was just like, really, I want to meet these people and go, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Like, are you really that angry of a person, or are you somebody from a different movie studio just being a dick, you know? | ||
| There's a lot of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It seems impossible. | |
| A lot of espionage and fucking double-crossing online. | ||
| For sure, a lot of positive comments as well by paid shills. | ||
| You know, people accuse the UFC of doing that all the time on the underground. | ||
| People are saying, how many of you guys are paid UFC shills? | ||
| As far as I know, there are none, but there might be. | ||
| I might just not know about them. | ||
| It might very well be that they hire people to get online. | ||
| I mean, it's effective marketing if you think about it. | ||
| You get online, you hype up a fight, you start talking, you instigate comments. | ||
| Do you think that Shane would have been knocked out by Brett Rogers? | ||
| I don't think it's that. | ||
| Brock Lesnar would have been knocked out by Brett Rogers. | ||
| Sometimes it is. | ||
| I know it is. | ||
| I know in the Pride days they used to do that. | ||
| There's just a lot of people also, that's all they think. | ||
| Yes, that is true. | ||
| But as far as putting together threads and pushing positive threads and talking about how excited you are for something, it's a good move. | ||
| It's a smart move. | ||
| If you get a good thread together… Half of Amazon's reviews are that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I pay attention to Amazon's reviews. | ||
| Half of it could be total bullshit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I even try to read it to say, okay, does this sound like something like a publicist made or the company made? | ||
| No one can stop you from doing that. | ||
| You could review the shit out of your own stuff. | ||
| I've never done that with anything I've ever done. | ||
| I've never done that. | ||
| But I was pleasantly surprised at how many cool fucking comments I got on the iTunes thing. | ||
| I thought when I was going over the podcast, I'm like, there's going to be a bunch of douchebags that don't want to hear us... | ||
| This is kind of a free-form podcast. | ||
| A lot of times we talk about the same subjects we've talked about before, but they're relevant to the current conversation. | ||
| I've got to assume that each one of these two-hour things is its own thing. | ||
| I try not to repeat things as much as possible. | ||
| And it's also just hard to remember what was 28 times 2. How many hours is that of trying to talk? | ||
| I also think that we get into subjects a lot deeper than you can if you're just doing an hour podcast. | ||
| I like the hour podcast format, but I think there's something about really intense conversations. | ||
| We have these cool conversations. | ||
| You've got to let them take their fucking path. | ||
| Sometimes it's like, well, this is it. | ||
| We're just going to stop it now. | ||
| There's more shit to be talked about. | ||
| But so many fucking people who said... | ||
| You know, things on the iTunes were cool. | ||
| There's a bunch of complaints about the sound, which we did have problems with the sound, but we fixed all that shit. | ||
| And if you think it's too low, stop listening on your iPhone speakerphone. | ||
| It's low for everything. | ||
| Brian's very upset with this. | ||
| Well, some guys said how low it was, and so today I recorded myself going on like Adam Carolla's, you know, a couple of them, and then ours. | ||
| I think we got it now. | ||
| This is good now. | ||
| And I think this is the right way to do it too because I've heard things where people talk on lav mics and it's not quite as loud or clear. | ||
| The reason why radio stations use these kind of mics and stand-up comedy uses these kind of mics, this is the right shit to use. | ||
| So this is the way we're going to keep it. | ||
| As far as putting up this green screen, I kind of gave up on that shit. | ||
| I think it's distracting. | ||
| I might put up a banner or something. | ||
| Maybe put up a big flat screen and have a constantly changing logo. | ||
| You could put together some nutty video and it'd be playing in the background. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Is that a good move? | ||
| Just Joey Diaz on a toilet. | ||
| But I think I've given up on the idea of us being in space looking like a cable access show. | ||
| The Fleshlight is our only sponsor. | ||
| And like I said before, if it wasn't a sponsor, I would still tell you to use it. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| This weekend, I will be at the Ontario Improv Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with Joey Diaz. | ||
| As we said, tickets are selling quick. | ||
| So if you want to come, the next time I'll be, if you're in LA and you want to go somewhere closer, I'm at the Universal City. | ||
| John Lovitz has a comedy club up there. | ||
| The John Lovitz Comedy Club. | ||
| And that's next Saturday. | ||
| It's like the 17th or some shit? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Two shows. | ||
| Next Saturday, two shows. | ||
| I've never been there before. | ||
| I heard it's good. | ||
| And John Lovitz is a nice guy. | ||
| I like that guy. | ||
| Love that shopping center. | ||
| Or that whole Universal place. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| Yeah, that's a cool place. | ||
| It's like being at Disney World. | ||
| So that's it, ladies and gentlemen, for this week. | ||
| Thank you very much for tuning in. | ||
| We appreciate the fuck out of it, as always. | ||
| And much respect. | ||
| Much love. | ||
| And we will see you all next week. | ||
| Same bad time. | ||
| This is not even the same time it was next week. | ||
| We're going to keep doing it, though. | ||
| We will not stop. | ||
| We will not end. | ||
| And we do this all because of your support and because of the fact that you guys are enjoying it. | ||
| And I appreciate the fuck out of it. | ||
| Thank you very much. |
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