June 29, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:06:38
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, Joey Coco Diaz, a.k.a. | ||
| Mad Flavor. | ||
|
unidentified
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What's happening? | |
| Tuesday afternoon off the 101. Has joined the podcast. | ||
| That's right, baby. | ||
| Along with Brian Redban, the master blaster, Reichel. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| And ladies and gentlemen, we are still... | ||
| Sponsored by the Fleshlight. | ||
| Before we even get started, we've got to talk about the rubber vagina that we use on a weekly... | ||
| I've been using it weekly. | ||
| Weekly? | ||
| How many times a week? | ||
| Double day. | ||
| I'm opted twice a day now. | ||
| No wonder the fucking thing is falling apart. | ||
| His is falling apart. | ||
| That tropical helmet juice that's coming out of your helmet is fucking killing that stuff. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Plus he's got barnacles on his dick. | ||
| Yeah, that's what happens sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, it's from that rubber burn. | ||
| Sometimes you whack off and you leave it on your leg. | ||
| You wake up next morning, there's a big red spot like the fucking oil spill. | ||
| There's like a fucking stain. | ||
| That's when you know you got to eat more carrots or something. | ||
| You got to eat a carrot or a bowl of fucking soup. | ||
| It was like UFC 114. Everybody's feet were fucking yellow. | ||
| Did you notice that or was it me? | ||
|
unidentified
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What? | |
| Ew. | ||
| Everybody, when they pick up their feet, like the guard, their feet were fucking yellow. | ||
| They gotta start eating more oranges after the weigh-in, cocksuckers. | ||
| Never mind that powdered water drink. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Their feet are yellow? | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Maybe it was the weed you were smoking. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| I always look at the fighters in the eyes. | ||
| I never look at their feet. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not a big foot watcher. | ||
| I'm not looking at their feet. | ||
| I'm just saying they're wrestling. | ||
| They're in their guard. | ||
| Somebody's punching them. | ||
| Their feet are up. | ||
| And I'm like, dog, that guy's got fucking jaundice. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You got big foot fetish, don't you? | ||
| No, I was just thinking about it. | ||
| You often talk about feet a lot. | ||
| I don't like feet touching me. | ||
| That's why I don't go to jiu-jitsu. | ||
| If a man's foot touches me, I'll have a fucking heart attack. | ||
| I really would. | ||
| Dudes get their feet in your face in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| That's just something you have to deal with. | ||
| And you're sweaty, and their feet are sweaty, and their feet literally are on your face all the time. | ||
| Dudes always have their feet on my face. | ||
| I was watching an old fight last night. | ||
| Sometimes you get cut by dudes' toenails. | ||
| Listen, I was watching an old fight last night, and they were going for a heel hook, and I was getting grossed out. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Just watching I touch his feet? | ||
| I can never imagine grabbing Tate's foot. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like getting the fucking Tate with the short nail polish and have a fucking heart attack. | ||
| So if you were going to fight in the Octagon, you'd want to wear socks? | ||
| Oh, like Chuck Liddell at Legends. | ||
| You ever see Chuck Liddell at fucking 10th Planet? | ||
| That motherfucker got combat boots, socks on. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| He wears little socks. | ||
| Chuck's a fucking dude like that. | ||
| I love all that stuff. | ||
| I wonder why he wears socks. | ||
| Maybe he doesn't want to get his feet funky. | ||
| The mats at Legend, sometimes people walk on them. | ||
| I love what you guys do. | ||
| More the old place. | ||
| The new place is actually separate. | ||
| What killed me with jiu-jitsu was that they said over at the place, a lot of people show up there from work directly. | ||
| They've been working 12 hours. | ||
| They haven't washed that ass. | ||
| And they go, jiu-jitsu dog, if I catch a whiff of ass in my face from somebody else, I'm going to be pissed off, Joe. | ||
| And I can't handle it. | ||
| You couldn't handle the north-south position? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I would fucking die. | ||
| An armpit in my face with onion in it? | ||
| I think I called it that position, smell your butt. | ||
| Oh, that's a horrible fucking position to be in. | ||
| Because that's what it is. | ||
| A guy's basically holding onto your hips and he's got his ass in your face. | ||
| And he's holding you down. | ||
| And it's a fight. | ||
| And he's allowed to punch you. | ||
| Why would you want to do this? | ||
| Seriously, man. | ||
| I get nervous when people sit next to me at McDonald's. | ||
| Like, man, there's another chair right there. | ||
| Get away from me. | ||
| And you guys are putting butts in your feet. | ||
| That's the weird thing about jiu-jitsu, too, is you go into a life-and-death struggle with some guy you just met five minutes ago. | ||
| You're like, what's up, man? | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| You want to roll? | ||
| Okay, let's roll. | ||
| You slap hands, and the next thing you know, you're trying to strangle each other. | ||
| What a great sport. | ||
| That's what's weird with that. | ||
| But everyone who does it is cool, though. | ||
| The thing is, it seems like it would be kind of a fucked up thing to do. | ||
| But the people that do it are so friendly and cool, and everyone's been tapped. | ||
| Everyone's been through the ringer. | ||
| Everyone knows what it is. | ||
| You just go out there and do it. | ||
| So even though it seems like it would be a douchey thing, it's actually very easy. | ||
| It's very fun. | ||
| You know, it seems like you'd be sweating it. | ||
| But just do it, you know? | ||
| You do it for so long. | ||
| It's just a part of your day. | ||
| Yeah, but what if you didn't know Joey Diaz and you're like, all right, you and Joey are going to do jiu-jitsu today, and I'm sorry about the air conditioner. | ||
| It's broke, and it's 120 degrees. | ||
| Oh, sometimes we have the windows open because it's hot as fuck in there. | ||
| I've dropped 80 pounds, and it's affected my stomach, which means my ball sack is three sizes bigger than the last time you did it. | ||
| The other day I stumbled upon a mirror. | ||
| So your stomach somehow was sucking your ball sack up into the pocket? | ||
| It was taking the effect and sucking the full effect of the ball sack. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like it's a fucking amusement park, right? | ||
| If you've got a firecracker here, an explosion here, I'm not going to look at the fucking firecracker. | ||
| I'm going to look at the explosion. | ||
| So ever since I lost the other day, I stumbled by a mirror. | ||
| You know, sometimes you walk past the mirror and you're like, wow, what happened? | ||
| And I looked at my ball sack and I'm like, dog, if I ever have... | ||
| I could use it as a colostomy bag. | ||
| It could double. | ||
| Like, if I ever have a Brock Lesnar, fuck it. | ||
| Don't put a bag in me. | ||
| It's fucking gigantic, my balls. | ||
| And my dick's still got the size and the endurance, but the ball sack doesn't even have... | ||
| Like, I lost, like, three pounds on the ball sack, which makes the ball sack tighter. | ||
| It's fucking huge. | ||
| His balls. | ||
| I picked the dick up and pulled it out. | ||
| Joey Diaz is famous for showing his balls. | ||
| Famous for showing his balls at the comedy store, showing them on stage, just walking around, pulling them out on people, because they're ridiculous. | ||
| They really do, like, they look like oranges. | ||
| Like, oranges is in an old lady's pantyhose. | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| I could not believe how different they fucking look. | ||
| They're fucking giant, man. | ||
| Why is it that comics always love to show their dicks and balls? | ||
| There's no other profession I think that you... | ||
| I didn't work at Gateway and it was like, all computer salesmen love ball showing. | ||
| Hey, look at my balls. | ||
| I was listening to Opie and Anthony the other day and Louis C.K. was on. | ||
| He was telling a story about Jay Moore. | ||
| Jay Moore was on an airplane with him once when he was really young. | ||
| And Jay Moore goes, if I pull out my dick, will you spit on it? | ||
| And he goes, from that, I fucking hated him. | ||
| I was so mad at him. | ||
| He goes, I actually like him as a person. | ||
| He goes, but it was just, you fucking fake faggot. | ||
| Put your penis away. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| But the fucking question's pretty funny, too. | ||
| If I pull out my dick, we spit on it. | ||
| I mean, it might have been even funnier if he just went, yeah, pull your dick out. | ||
| Why is it, though? | ||
| Comics are fucked up, man. | ||
| We want to do the inappropriate thing all the time. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| The way a guy becomes a comic is all your life people have been telling you, shut up, that's mean, don't say that, you're looking at it the wrong way, and get a job. | ||
| That's what everybody tells comics. | ||
| So once they become actual comics, they just can't wait to do what they're not supposed to do all the time. | ||
| They just want to pull their dick out all the time. | ||
| They want to say stupid shit. | ||
| They want to sing on the airplane. | ||
| That was weird, man. | ||
| We should talk about that. | ||
| I thought we were really going to jail. | ||
| I thought we were really going to jail. | ||
| I thought they were setting us up for a minute. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| Let's explain what happened. | ||
| We were on a plane. | ||
| We've done this twice. | ||
| We were on a plane and Joey says that he's with the band Ten Foot Screws and he would like to get on the PA. He would like to get on the PA and sing a song for everybody. | ||
| This is how high we are when we fly, okay? | ||
| I mean, he gets on the fucking PA. One, two, one, two, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And he starts breaking into Notorious B.I.G. But with no swears, and no one knows what to do. | ||
| And there's people staring at their kids, and they're so confused. | ||
| And they announced it like, hey ladies and gentlemen, we have a short presentation by the band 10 Foot Screws. | ||
| Yeah, and they just let us do it. | ||
| And everyone on the plane was just sitting there like, what? | ||
| I shouldn't even say us, because if Joey goes to jail, I do not want to go down with you. | ||
|
unidentified
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Ha ha ha! | |
| I should not be saying uh. | ||
| Yeah, we were against it. | ||
| I was totally against it. | ||
| You were not against it. | ||
| You guys were just sitting there like, what is going on? | ||
|
unidentified
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I couldn't believe you not only did it there, you did it coming back. | |
| You did it on two different flights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And these are jets. | ||
| These aren't like propeller planes. | ||
| This is after 9-11. | ||
| Remember the mother that was sitting next to us? | ||
| With the kid? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And the kid was laughing and smiling. | ||
| It was a church camp? | ||
| And the mom was... | ||
| Yeah, church camp. | ||
| And the girl was like 12 and she's just looking at the camera because I'm filming it. | ||
| She's looking at the camera like, hee hee hee, this is naughty. | ||
| You know, and you're rapping over PA. That poor kid was loving the chaos, wasn't she? | ||
| Post 9-11, too. | ||
| Post 9-11. | ||
| This was like, what was it, 2004 or something like that? | ||
| 2005? | ||
| Yeah, you can find it online. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Joe Show. | ||
| If you Google Joe Show, Joey Diaz Ready to Die. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Yeah, Joey Diaz Ready to Die. | ||
|
unidentified
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Google it. | |
| It's on YouTube. | ||
| That one's genius. | ||
| That's the best one. | ||
| You can also see it in Talking Monkeys in Space, your DVD that's out right now on Amazon. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's in the video you made, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's called Talking Monkeys in Columbus. | ||
| It's one of the DVD extras. | ||
| Joey talked on the fucking PA on two planes. | ||
| Not just talked, sang songs. | ||
| And had like stewardesses clapping along and shit. | ||
| It was fucking weird. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| That was weird that they let us after 9-11. | ||
| They just went with it. | ||
| They just went with it. | ||
| How did we even know? | ||
| How did she know? | ||
| I don't know, but it was not American Airlines. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
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The ultimate doom. | |
| I think they should have people do shit like that more often. | ||
| Some girl got on the airplane the other day in Air Canada and sang a song. | ||
| Like some funny song about your luggage. | ||
| It was pretty funny. | ||
| And she was pretending that she was trying out for a Canadian Idol and everybody gives her a big round of applause. | ||
| I'm like, oh, come on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Is this chick really going to sing? | ||
| And she got on the PA and had this little funny song prepared. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It made it more interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| What do you mean? | ||
| Does everybody have to be quiet? | ||
| Once you shut your iPad off, it should be anything goes. | ||
| Bro, nobody breaks someone out in a flight like me. | ||
| One time we were flying, and I farted next to Joe Rogan, one of those fucking Brock Lesnar farts. | ||
| Those four-day fucking protein shakes. | ||
| The one when you were watching the Antonio Banderas thing that you kept waking up. | ||
| You couldn't know if it was a nightmare. | ||
| I was writing, too. | ||
| While I was writing, he was farting. | ||
| I put it in the blog. | ||
| His fart was so bad, I had to put it in the blog entry. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That was the Happy Pills one. | ||
| I did not miss that because I mean... | ||
|
unidentified
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I did not miss that. | |
| Tate was really big and he ate protein all the time. | ||
| And he was always like a manhandler. | ||
| He'd be like, come here, bro! | ||
| And leave me alone! | ||
| And he would literally torture me with his farts. | ||
| Tate's farts were fucking 22 times worse than mine. | ||
| The best fart ever was the one at the bookstore in Houston when I farted. | ||
| And it bounced off the library shelves. | ||
| Everybody looked at us on the second floor. | ||
| What was the name of that bookstore in Houston, Doug? | ||
|
unidentified
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All of us. | |
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| I remember that time. | ||
| You were sitting in a chair. | ||
| We were reading a magazine. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck, Joe Diaz? | ||
| That's still not as good as Tate's at the comedy store in San Diego. | ||
| The comedy store in La Jolla. | ||
| He farted in the lobby. | ||
| It was like somebody lit it on fire. | ||
| People were running from it, man. | ||
| They were running from it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was when we were selling shirts. | ||
| He farted right by the door, yeah. | ||
| No, it was, yeah, same weekend. | ||
| He farted right by the door and, like, ran towards the bar. | ||
| His farts had this aroma in the middle of the fart. | ||
| Like, first you get a hold of the fart that soak around you for, like, four or five seconds. | ||
| Then this complete other thing would evolve that would just climb into your nose, hands, and you had to step out of that fucking zone. | ||
| And then when you came back into that zone, you still smelt the fart in a post-courtem type way. | ||
| It was there, but not really. | ||
| His farts were fucking real. | ||
| They were ruthless. | ||
| He said he ate bars with a chemical. | ||
| Malamar. | ||
| His farts had a better credit rating than me. | ||
| Oh my god, his farts were fucking thick. | ||
| Like he could smell the root of the fucking asshole. | ||
| They were real. | ||
| They were living species. | ||
| And he would laugh his ass off. | ||
| He would turn bright red with laughter because part of it was he thought it was funny and part of it was shame. | ||
| It was all mixed together with horror because everybody was dying screaming. | ||
| I don't care what you say. | ||
| This is part of you. | ||
| No one's comfortable with smelling that bad. | ||
| You can pretend all you want, man. | ||
| You can cut the kind of farts that this dude would cut. | ||
| Oh my god, you've really never experienced anything like it. | ||
| It's like, unless you've been around a dude like that, it's like pointless to talk to people about it. | ||
| Like, yeah, yeah, farts stink, move on. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, you don't understand. | ||
| This is like fucking gas warfare. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had two guys driving, man. | ||
| It was like assault you. | ||
| And a kid when I was growing up, Fernie Basesudo. | ||
| His family owned the restaurant. | ||
| BNS fucking diner. | ||
| What's his name, Fernie? | ||
| Fernie Basesudo. | ||
| He was Puerto Rican and Cuban. | ||
| His mother made pork chops. | ||
| Every day, you'd go in there and it'd destroy your fucking stomach. | ||
| But Fernie had the same type of farts as Tate. | ||
| That's a complete different animal to fart. | ||
| That fart grabs you. | ||
| It's just like you have to go home and change your shirt and shit, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| It sinks into your shirt. | ||
| Oh, and Tate would just light up an airplane. | ||
| It would fuck you up, man. | ||
| He would light up an airplane. | ||
| You could hear people in like 20 rows back going, Jesus! | ||
| I remember that. | ||
|
unidentified
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You remember that? | |
| You could hear it. | ||
| And you would look back and Tate would have his headphones on, sunglasses on, just a big smile on his face. | ||
|
unidentified
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Fucking... | |
| Chewing gum and ripping the most horrendous farts known to man. | ||
| I put his farts up against anyone that's ever lived. | ||
| The time with Antonio Banderas, when I farted, you heard the lady go, oh my god. | ||
| I put that in the blog. | ||
| I put it in the blog. | ||
| I was in the middle of writing and just, I know where I see Joey do this. | ||
| Just lean away from me a little bit. | ||
| Just a little lean. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| As soon as I realize what he's doing, he's just clearing away. | ||
| You cartoon fart. | ||
| You actually make the motions and stuff like that. | ||
| I do that all the time. | ||
| Especially when I'm by myself. | ||
| Unless I want you to know I'm farting. | ||
| If I'm trying to sneak out a fart and not take the blame for it, which I'll do occasionally, then I'll just sit still. | ||
| Have you ever cupped your hand in the shower and made Donald Duck? | ||
| No, not Donald Duck. | ||
| I inhaled that fart. | ||
| I'll put it right to the fucking sleep back in your mask. | ||
| It's very satisfying about farting in a pool or a bathtub as well. | ||
| Oh yeah, pools are cool. | ||
| Your dad farted in Irvine Improv and I thought, you ever get so high, you're on the wall and you think, like I was watching you and I'm like, ain't nobody walking by me and I cut a fart. | ||
| And all of a sudden I turned around, a waitress is coming back. | ||
| With a tray of fucking glasses. | ||
| And I'm like, poor girl. | ||
| And they know it's you. | ||
| Who the fuck? | ||
| You're the only thing next to a smell of shit in 20 feet. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's 20 feet of shit in you. | ||
| That's a terrible feeling when someone walks over and he just didn't plan it out. | ||
| He thought you were in the solo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One time I went to Bob Hope Medical Center, and they did an EKG on me, and as they were picking me up, it was a small office, as they were picking me up, a little fart came out of my ass. | ||
| I just went, and the doctor and the nurse just sit there and look at each other, and I got up real quick and blocked them. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| When you fart in a little doctor's office and it kept expanding, it was one of those Tate farts and it just kept getting thicker. | ||
| When they know it's you, it's fucking embarrassing. | ||
| You know what I think is interesting? | ||
| The whole idea, especially amongst comics, that you're not supposed to talk about farts. | ||
| That somehow or another farts are like a cheap laugh. | ||
| Well, on stage. | ||
| But is it even a cheap... | ||
| I mean, is it not a part of how you look at the world? | ||
| I mean, farts are in there. | ||
| They're in the mix. | ||
| I guess it's like airplanes. | ||
| If it's about farts, it's been said. | ||
| Well, even airplanes. | ||
| You know, Patton did a joke. | ||
| Patton Oswalt did a joke on his latest CD about going on JetBlue. | ||
| It's an airplane joke, and I fucking loved it. | ||
| It's an airplane joke about how the airplane's like a sky bus now. | ||
| I don't care if it's a subject that's been beaten. | ||
| I want to hear your take on the subject. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Yeah, and Patton's joke on airplanes was, I mean, and Louis C.K. did one recently on Conan, I think, right? | ||
| No, not on Conan. | ||
| Who did he do it on? | ||
| He did like a whole, was it on Leno? | ||
| Might have done it on Leno. | ||
| You know, it's funny, though, is that we were talking about farts and airplanes, but yet we just got done talking about farting on airplanes. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| You know, that's, like, too. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What I was going to say is, what is it about, like, things like farts, where, like, you know, if you talk about it, it's like a cheap laugh. | ||
| And a lot of times it is a cheap laugh, like bad comics. | ||
| But when it's telling the truth, you know, when it's you. | ||
| Like, you've talked about farts on stage before and had me fucking crying laughing. | ||
| It's the truth. | ||
| If anybody smelt one of Tate's farts, you would look at farts completely different, and it wouldn't be a hacky situation. | ||
| Well, it's still one of those things where I think a lot of comics are always worried about what other people, especially other comics, think about their material. | ||
| So they're scared to talk about anything, even if it's something they're really thinking about, if it's like a tired premise. | ||
| They don't want to talk about it. | ||
| Even if you have your own unique point of view on it, they just don't want to touch on it. | ||
| But I don't think that's good either, man. | ||
| I think if you give yourself any restrictions... | ||
| I mean, you could be dwelling on the dumbest fucking thing in the world, like the most obvious premise, but if you're actually dwelling on it, you should even address the fact that this is obviously a stupid premise. | ||
| Why am I fucking obsessed with this? | ||
| But, you know, that's like... | ||
| When you start cutting out subjects and, like, fucking... | ||
| How many comics played at the back of the room? | ||
| How many comics do comedy instead of for their own personal viewpoint? | ||
| They do it so that other comics will like them. | ||
| Remember in the beginning, open mic days, there were dudes who would only make comics laugh? | ||
| And a lot of guys, they got stuck in this weird spot where their audience was comics. | ||
| They would be good at making comics laugh, but regular audience members would just... | ||
| The comics wanted to see something fucked up. | ||
| How high are you, Joey? | ||
| You know what I'm talking? | ||
| Joey G is, it just kicked in and he sat back. | ||
| Whenever Joey sits back, let me tell you something. | ||
| Whenever Joey sits back like this and crosses his fingers on his chest, he's fucking gone. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's gone. | |
| He's on another planet right now. | ||
| No, I went to acupuncture and then got stoned and we smoked that stuff you had and that put me right the fuck over the wall. | ||
| Do you worry, do you ever think about what you're talking about on stage or do you just write out what you're thinking about? | ||
| Do you ever look at it and go, hmm, maybe this isn't a subject for me. | ||
| Maybe I shouldn't touch this. | ||
| There's maybe three subjects I won't touch on stage. | ||
| Just because of personal references, and I'm a failure for not touching them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You feel like a failure? | ||
| For not touching them, because I'm letting my emotion get involved on that. | ||
| What are they? | ||
| I don't like abortion talk. | ||
| That's a tough subject. | ||
| I don't like kids with AIDS and punching kids. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not a big fan of that either. | ||
| Even though I've said shocking shit like that before that was mean and funny, but probably not. | ||
| In comics, that's a weakness. | ||
| I should be able to go up and cover every spectrum of life. | ||
| Right, but maybe you just don't find humor in that. | ||
| I don't find humor in that. | ||
| I don't want to talk about rape. | ||
| I talk about fucking people in the ass and eating ass. | ||
| I've never mentioned the word rape. | ||
| The word rape makes my fucking neck hair stick up every time. | ||
| So, that's, you know. | ||
| Well, then that's just you, though. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| That's just you. | ||
| I'm a pussy, but not real. | ||
| I don't think so, man. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think, you know, you talk about what you want to talk about. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong with that. | ||
| You know, I talked about some wild shit on stage. | ||
| I talked about kidnapping and mugging. | ||
| You told the truth about going to prison. | ||
| But I just cannot talk. | ||
| Being coked up, holding a guy down with a machine gun. | ||
| I can't listen to fucking, you know. | ||
| I totally understand what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, it's a tricky situation, man. | ||
| And I have nothing against who does it. | ||
| You know what gets me about abortion? | ||
| Here's what gets me about the abortion subject. | ||
| It's like there's two sides, okay? | ||
| There's one side where you are, you know, you're pro-life and you don't think that people should be allowed to have abortions and that there's other options and that it's killing, it's murder. | ||
| And then the other side is, you know, you support a woman's right to choose and it's just a series of cells and the body doesn't have a soul. | ||
| The woman, she's carrying it in her body. | ||
| It should be totally up to her. | ||
| Why does it have to be just two points of view? | ||
| I see both. | ||
| I see I should not be able to tell you what to do. | ||
| I should not be able to tell anybody what to do. | ||
| And I could totally see wanting to have an abortion. | ||
| I could totally see not wanting to raise a child at certain points in your life. | ||
| I could totally see you having that option. | ||
| But let's be honest. | ||
| What you're doing is you're killing something. | ||
| You know, it's growing inside you, but it will eventually become a human being. | ||
| You know, I mean, we can play games and say, you know, at three days in it's not, at five days it is, or whatever the fuck you want to say. | ||
| But the bottom line is there's a little human being growing inside your body. | ||
| And I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| I mean, it's your body. | ||
| I really don't think anybody could tell you, you know, but you're killing something. | ||
| I mean, you're choosing not to let it grow. | ||
| You're terminating it. | ||
| I mean, let's be honest about what you're doing. | ||
| It's a symbiotic relationship. | ||
| Obviously, the baby needs you to stay alive. | ||
| It's a part of you until it becomes its own individual entity. | ||
| But the path has been set. | ||
| It's on the way. | ||
| You know, why is that? | ||
| Like, how come you can't say that? | ||
| I mean, it's either one or the other. | ||
| Either you support a woman's right to choose or you think it's murder. | ||
| But no one ever says, well, I support the right for you to do it, but let's talk about what the fuck it is. | ||
| I mean, it is a creepy thing. | ||
| And if I was a woman, it would creep me out that I would have to do something like that. | ||
| Especially when you talk to someone who's had kids. | ||
| Once you've had kids, you understand what babies really are and the whole thing. | ||
| You get this experience of having your own child. | ||
| And you go, oh, wow. | ||
| Abortion is really crazy when you think about it. | ||
| I'm glad I don't have the option. | ||
| I'm glad that I don't get pregnant. | ||
| Could you imagine if it was you that got pregnant? | ||
| How many abortions would you have? | ||
| You'd have like 10 abortions. | ||
| How many can you have? | ||
| Before your fucking plumbing breaks. | ||
| Is there a ceiling to this? | ||
| I went out with a girl once that had so many abortions that she can't get pregnant. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like three or four. | ||
| She was so crazy. | ||
| She's had like five or six. | ||
| She was so crazy. | ||
| I went to this abortion show or whatever. | ||
| It was at the Science Museum. | ||
| I guess it wasn't a show. | ||
| A convention. | ||
| No, it was just a display that showed from like every week of a baby's life all the way to that. | ||
| That meat thing, that life thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The bodies in motion, whatever it was. | ||
| They're all in glass jars though. | ||
| And at first I was like, they're not real. | ||
| These are just little models. | ||
| But then you read down that these are all real. | ||
| Yeah, including the mother. | ||
| Yeah, and you look at the very small one, and it looks like a little demon. | ||
| Like, I don't know if you've ever seen it. | ||
| It just looks like an alien or something. | ||
| Looks like a lizard. | ||
| Yeah, and then it's so weird seeing a girl, but then you get to the big one, and that is the most depressing thing you'll ever see in your life. | ||
| Just this baby sitting there with a face that's been frozen in time, like, and just, you know... | ||
| The whole exhibit freaks me out. | ||
| And if you don't know the exhibit we're talking about, it's a bodies exhibit. | ||
| And this guy invented some new process of preserving human tissue. | ||
| And he does it somehow or another in plastic. | ||
| And they have a whole video on it. | ||
| I think it's called... | ||
| Body worlds. | ||
| But I'm trying to think of the process. | ||
| Plasta something. | ||
| Anyway, so it's really like a bunch of bodies all cut up in weird positions, doing weird things. | ||
| And it gives you a sense of the anatomy, but it also gives you a sense like, how is this any different than something a fucking serial killer would do? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Dexter. | ||
| Could you imagine if this was all started? | ||
| By a guy who's just some sick fuck, and the way he pawned it off on people is like, you know, it's just checking out the anatomy. | ||
| Because there's some of them that are so questionable, dude. | ||
| One of them, they had a chick cut in half at the vagina. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At the vagina, and there's like segments of her. | ||
| She's like cut in half at her fucking pussy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| I really need to see that? | ||
| You sure? | ||
| Are you sure about that? | ||
| You sure you want to put that fucking image out there? | ||
| It's pretty fucking demented. | ||
| It's weird, man. | ||
| They're like playing tennis and shit, and you know, it's just their muscle tissue with no skin on and fake eyeballs. | ||
| It's a trip. | ||
| Did we go together to see that? | ||
| I think we did. | ||
| And we saw that IMAX movie, The Body Ranks? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| I remember being so stoned while seeing that, I almost had a panic attack. | ||
| Oh, we were so high. | ||
| We had lollipops, didn't we? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think we had lollipops. | ||
| This was back in the days, the rookie days of edibles, where we didn't quite understand what was going on. | ||
| Like, oh, two lollipops would be fine. | ||
| We didn't know. | ||
| The people who don't know, when you eat pot, man, you get way different. | ||
| It's a way different high. | ||
| It's something called 11 hydroxy metabolites produced by your liver. | ||
| We've talked about it before, but that's why people freak out when they eat brownies and shit. | ||
| Like, you swore off edibles. | ||
| I only eat them on Mondays because the Armenians give me a free edible day on Monday. | ||
| So I always eat the three peanut butter cookies and get fucked up. | ||
| He called me once. | ||
| You called me once. | ||
| I'll never forget this. | ||
| You go like this. | ||
| Dog, that's it. | ||
| That's it, dog. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| No more fucking edibles. | ||
| No more fucking edibles, Joe Rogan. | ||
| No more edibles. | ||
| Like, that's the whole conversation. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| Oh, that bad. | ||
| Don't you wish phones had TiVo? | ||
| So you could just, like, record this. | ||
| Well, the recording would be awesome, but would be more awesome as the visual. | ||
| You know, to get some FaceTime on that. | ||
| Yeah, FaceTime. | ||
| It's always doing FaceTime. | ||
| Sometimes you eat those edibles, and I'd eat them like I ate in the morning, guys. | ||
| Like, I get up and pop a cup of coffee and eat a fucking chocolate cake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By 9.30, I gotta go to the Y. Fear factor was all edibles. | |
| Because that would last the longest. | ||
| And this is also one I didn't understand. | ||
| I just knew that I'd build up a tolerance if I had a lollipop every day. | ||
| I was getting... | ||
| Blitzkrieg. | ||
| I mean, like, so baked. | ||
| I was, like, freaking out about the colors of the sky and, you know, thinking how strange this life is and we're all pretending it's permanent, but it's really temporary. | ||
| While I was, like, forced to do this, you know, not forced, but, you know, while my job was to do this Fear Factor show. | ||
| High as fuck. | ||
| They fuck with you, those edibles. | ||
| They fuck with you, those edibles, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah, no, they do. | ||
| They really do. | ||
| It's way stronger. | ||
| People don't know. | ||
| It's four times more psychoactive than THC when you eat it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That 11-hydroxymetapolate. | ||
| It doesn't feel like pot. | ||
| It doesn't feel like you're high. | ||
| It feels like some totally different kind of a psychedelic trip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very introspective. | ||
| It really makes you fucking consider your life. | ||
| When you're alone and you ate a brownie, you start going deep into your childhood and shit. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Don't you? | ||
| Thinking about your relationship with your parents and fucking... | ||
| All sorts of weird shit that made you become who you are. | ||
| You start really fucking going deep. | ||
| The last time I did Edibles was at a UFC. It was with you. | ||
| It got to the point where there was a good match going on and everyone was murmuring. | ||
| At once, like an arena. | ||
| You could hear everything. | ||
| That murmur started to get in me and I started feeling my heart. | ||
| When Clay Guida fought Diego Sanchez, I could feel the smacks. | ||
| There was one flurry in the first round where they were both just for a minute. | ||
| They must have connected on 20 punches apiece. | ||
| I felt all 20 punches. | ||
| I remember that I woke up like this, just holding on to myself. | ||
| I can't even block these fucking punches that Diego's throwing at me. | ||
| And all of a sudden I realized I had Brian Redman next to me. | ||
| And people like Jake Shields is over here. | ||
| I'm like, what's happening? | ||
| But I caught myself fucking blocking Diego's body kicks and shit. | ||
| Like twisted and everything. | ||
| That's when you know, fuck 3D glasses, motherfucker. | ||
| I was in that fucking ring. | ||
| When they broke, that was a very intense first minute. | ||
| Very intense. | ||
| If you remember, that's what, I think about edibles. | ||
| It swept you. | ||
| It just swept me. | ||
| And I remember like turning and fucking fading and You know, making believe he was jabbing. | ||
| Okay, here's the question. | ||
| Here's the question. | ||
| Do you think it's real? | ||
| Do you think that the connection that you have when you get super high, especially with edibles, that weird feeling that you have where you feel like you can tell if people are lying, you can tell if people are upset with you and they're not talking about it, that you can tell if they have issues. | ||
| Do I think that's real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think it's 100% real. | ||
| I think it's 100%. | ||
| It's real, right? | ||
| Totally real. | ||
| There's a different level of perception that comes. | ||
| It's like you have a new sense that you usually don't have. | ||
| Right, but when you get sober, you all of a sudden start thinking it's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| When you sober up... | ||
| Because you're not feeling the same sense anymore. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But it's never more ridiculous. | ||
| There's no more ridiculous story than you telling someone that you have an enlightened perspective because you got intoxicated. | ||
| People will always make fun of that. | ||
| Like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're high on mushrooms and you figured out the world? | ||
| Sure you did. | ||
| Because when you're sober, it seems so preposterous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But when you're really, really, really high... | |
| You can see some shit. | ||
| And you figure out some shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every time you get high and you get in your car, even if it's just go to Starbucks, you always figure out one component of your day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like one decision is made, and it's made, you know, and you stick to it. | ||
| And that's that weed. | ||
| It's the same reason why people think it makes you paranoid. | ||
| It's making you think about shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's making you consider shit that you don't ordinarily consider. | ||
| And let me tell you something. | ||
| Weed in the isolation tank? | ||
| My god. | ||
| Joey Diaz, that fucking thing has changed my whole brain. | ||
| It's rewired my brain. | ||
| I have all the hardware from my old brain. | ||
| It's still laying around, but it's not even connected anymore. | ||
| That fucking isolation tank from just smoking weed. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out how to live my life as if I just entered into this world 10 years ago. | ||
| I entered into a body that's already existed and already had a history and already had a bunch of things that it's already done and dealt with. | ||
| And so, what have I done? | ||
| I've done all this? | ||
| Jesus Christ, what was I thinking when I did that? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like you become a totally different human being managing a new life. | ||
| That's what the tank does to you. | ||
| The tank is the It's the fucking freakiest thing ever. | ||
| I wish more of you guys would be into it. | ||
| Nobody does it. | ||
| I don't know why you guys wouldn't do it. | ||
| I always talk about it. | ||
| It is the craziest fucking experience that I ever do. | ||
| It's like doing a crime and going home and locking your door and smoking a joint for eight hours sitting there thinking the cops are going to break in. | ||
| That's a horrible feeling. | ||
| You get to see fucking life for what it is. | ||
| When you're sitting in that corner listening by the stairs to see if they're coming. | ||
| So it's a fucked up experience, you think. | ||
| Well, you clean your brain out of all that shit that you've done that's making you worry about people coming to get you. | ||
| All that shit, all the shady shit, you know, it makes you clean your brain out. | ||
| How come you've never done the tank? | ||
| How come you never go in? | ||
| I don't fit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do they fit? | |
| You fit. | ||
| There's a giant one they have. | ||
| The guy in Venice can make any size one. | ||
| Where's the tank at? | ||
| It's a huge door, Joey. | ||
| It's not like you have to crop your little... | ||
| There's two places. | ||
| No, there's two places. | ||
| One is Soothing Solutions in Burbank. | ||
| You could go there. | ||
| That's near you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's real close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've been there? | |
| And there's a very nice lady. | ||
| Let's do a Death Squad trip and tape it over there. | ||
| See what happens. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| She's a nice lady. | ||
| She's very nice. | ||
| Yeah, let's do it. | ||
| I'll do it with you guys. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Let's tape it and let's see what happens. | ||
| Make a video out of it. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| How I feel when I come out of there. | ||
| I'm taking you guys all. | ||
| Eddie, too. | ||
| And Ari, too. | ||
| Let's see how I feel when you come out. | ||
| Ari's going to fuck it up. | ||
| Don't start screaming. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Start faking it. | ||
| Ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| No, he wouldn't. | ||
| If we just all said, let's all have an experience filming it and tell me what you think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we could advertise that lady's business, too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And the guy in Venice, too. | ||
| Let's advertise him, too, because his place is the shit. | ||
| Is it really in Venice? | ||
| Yeah, Float Lab's the shit. | ||
| That guy, he's on another level. | ||
| See, everybody else is making these tanks like my old tank, the one I gave away, which is excellent. | ||
| I mean, it's way better than nothing. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It works good. | ||
| But his are, like, super thick. | ||
| It's steel and insulated. | ||
| And his, like, maintained temperature much better. | ||
| And it's much bigger, so you have more oxygen inside of it. | ||
| And he actually adds an oxygen pumper, you know, an oxygen scrubber. | ||
| So it scrubs oxygen, pure oxygen, out of the air and pumps it into you. | ||
| He's just got it down. | ||
| He's nuts. | ||
| The guy at the float laptop, he's a crazy dude. | ||
| But the cool kind of crazy. | ||
| And he's like a mad scientist. | ||
| And he's got this new thing. | ||
| Did I tell you about the new thing? | ||
| The video cameras? | ||
| This motherfucker, if you don't know about the isolation tank, what the isolation tank is, it's a tank that was invented by a guy named John Lilly. | ||
| John Lilly was this crazy, psychedelic pioneer from the 60s. | ||
| He used to take ketamine and fucking lay in the tank for days. | ||
| Like, he was nuts. | ||
| He used to take acid, and this is how he figured out how to make the tank. | ||
| He wanted to figure out a way where he was completely separate from his senses. | ||
| So his brain doesn't have to listen to his body at all. | ||
| And first he started out with, he would be in a tank where he would be upright and the head, you would float by the head. | ||
| So basically you'd be hanging from your chin, which is probably not that comfortable, but you get used to it and then the rest of you feels like you're weightless. | ||
| But then he figured out all you have to do is just put a ton of salt in the water and that'll make you buoyant and then you can lie on your back and then like half of your body's exposed. | ||
| So that's the new models. | ||
| They all have like, mine has 800 pounds of salt in 11 inches of water and you lie in it And the water is 93.5 degrees, which is the same temperature as your skin. | ||
| And so as you lie in it, you don't feel the water anymore, and you just dissolve. | ||
| You have no body sensation at all. | ||
| And it's just pure mind. | ||
| It's just a mind with no connection to any input. | ||
| So the mind doesn't have any distractions. | ||
| Your mind gets to look at your whole life completely objectively, not thinking about your back or your fucking feet smell or, you know, you're touching the couch or you're hearing, you know, sounds and seeing lights. | ||
| It's just pure mind. | ||
| And in that state, that's one of the rarest states on earth. | ||
| It's pretty simple to achieve, but if you think about it, there's no place like that on earth where you can be separate from your body. | ||
| Literally, you don't feel your body. | ||
| It's just your mind. | ||
| We all get distracted. | ||
| Having a conversation in front of a giant crowd of people like when you're on stage, that's distracting. | ||
| Talking to people while people are next to you screaming, that's distracting. | ||
| But what we don't realize is life is distracting. | ||
| And sometimes you've got too much... | ||
| Why do people who have fucked up lives like to have a bunch of shit going on? | ||
| How many dudes do you know that complicate their lives on purpose because they've got some shit going on so they'll just... | ||
| I'm starting up a business. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You're starting up a business, man. | ||
| You're a fucking comic. | ||
| You're going to start up a business? | ||
| But why is he really starting up a business? | ||
| He's trying to distract himself with more shit so he doesn't have to think about his shit. | ||
| It's a classic psychological ploy. | ||
| Your whole life is a distraction. | ||
| You don't even realize it. | ||
| Everything you do is constant input coming in. | ||
| You've got to navigate your way through this world. | ||
| It takes away resources. | ||
| It takes away resources that your brain has. | ||
| Gotta get in there, Joey Diaz. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Burbank. | ||
| Next week. | ||
| After the fucking break. | ||
| How come you don't do it? | ||
| You're in Burbank. | ||
| How come you've never done it? | ||
| Because, you know, I just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a thing. | ||
| It's one of those things. | ||
| Have you ever been in a tub? | ||
| Ever before? | ||
| Do you think you avoid that kind of like heavy lifting when it comes to like the mind? | ||
| No, you know, to me, I have my own kind of relaxing things that I do, and it seems like, I don't know, I guess it's not a necessity, so I don't really need to blow money on something that, you know. | ||
| Dude, I'll buy you a gift certificate. | ||
| If it was free, I would do it every day. | ||
| All right, well, let's get you on it then. | ||
| We're going to do that. | ||
| That's going to be our next video. | ||
| We're going to do the isolation tank. | ||
| I'm going to convert all you guys. | ||
| Because I think it's ridiculous that I've been using this thing for seven years and you guys don't use it. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure it's better than the tanning bin. | ||
| And if you guys... | ||
| It's way better to jerk off. | ||
| And if you guys go to... | ||
| If you Google where to float, just that term, there will be a website that will pop up from Samadhi. | ||
| Samadhi.com, which are very awesome people that made my first tank. | ||
| And their website has a listing of places where you can rent time in a tank all over the world, all different countries, all the different places it's available. | ||
| And a lot of people have used it and emailed me about it and said that they found a tank, you know, like an hour away from their house or something like that. | ||
| It's a fucking great tool. | ||
| It's a great tool for the mind, you know, if you're the type of person that likes to meditate, and I think everyone should. | ||
| You know, everyone, I mean, you call it, you say meditate, you sound like you're full of shit and you're doing yoga with beads on. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like the word meditate has this connotation, this, you know, this fake spirituality connected to it. | ||
| You know, it's a term, right? | ||
| But thinking about your life is very important. | ||
| Especially in Boulder, they use meditate like that. | ||
| Motherfucker, them sandalwares. | ||
| There are so many sandal-wearing motherfuckers in Boulder. | ||
| Oh, in Boulder, aren't they? | ||
| I tell you what, though, they're nice. | ||
| Oh, they're fucking brilliant. | ||
| But I would talk to people, and they would say, oh, I've got this back injury. | ||
| I can't go to jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I go, oh, that's cool, man. | ||
| You okay? | ||
| You going to be all right? | ||
| He goes, yeah, I'm going to this healer. | ||
| He's doing a lot of body work on me, a lot of positive energy work. | ||
| I'm like, oh, you pay for that or do you suck his dick? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| He was like totally straight-faced. | ||
| I'm going to a healer. | ||
| He's working on me, doing a lot of body work. | ||
| Oh, he's doing body work. | ||
| Oh, he's healing you. | ||
| With rocks and sand. | ||
| There's a lot of people that make a living doing that, man. | ||
| They're like healers. | ||
| They push on parts of your head and claim that they're healing you. | ||
| But the thing is, if you believe them, It works. | ||
| That's the crazy thing. | ||
| The human body is so fucking powerful, but we don't know how to use it. | ||
| It's like a computer, and we don't even have a manual. | ||
| We're just going into the registry and fucking with things. | ||
| We really don't know how it works. | ||
| So you can trick somebody with a placebo, and the placebo is just sugar. | ||
| It's just bullshit. | ||
| It doesn't do anything. | ||
| But because they think it's medicine, their body fixes itself. | ||
| But nobody knows how to just fix themselves. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| The placebo method, how come you can't just apply that on your own? | ||
| Why can't you just trick yourself? | ||
| You can't. | ||
| So then you don't have access to that pure belief. | ||
| You don't have access to the pure belief. | ||
| Literally, you have to be kind of crazy to have access to the pure belief that you can fix yourself with this magic pill that's just sugar. | ||
| It's a fucking mess. | ||
| Why can't we use it? | ||
| It's like a hidden part of the operating system. | ||
| You have to press four keys at the same time to get to it. | ||
| It's fucked up, man. | ||
| You know what's really cool to do stone, by the way? | ||
| I just thought of this while you were talking. | ||
| I don't want to lose it. | ||
| Get really, really baked. | ||
| Eat and go into your garage and get a ladder. | ||
| If there's one of those lights, the garage lights, I go up to it with a friend, and you both look at each other's face. | ||
| You turn off the lights, and you both stare at each other's face, and then you wait until your eyes adjust to the dark. | ||
| Then you flip the light real quick, and you see the other person's face as a ghost that's burnt into your retina. | ||
| Then you come down from the... | ||
| A ladder and you just walk around and you'll just see like this floating head in front of you. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| It probably lasts a good minute and a half, two minutes. | ||
| Does it work with black people? | ||
| No, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't. | |
| You just see a canoe. | ||
| I gotta go upstairs to put a light bulb on it. | ||
| You fucking crazy guy. | ||
| I'm going up a fucking ladder. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| Am I wearing sandals? | ||
| When I fall down, I break my ankle to see Casper the Friendly Fucking Ghost. | ||
| Should I put angel wings on when I come here? | ||
| All that shit to get high. | ||
| That's too much drama to get high. | ||
| Just pass that fucking number. | ||
| It's something that you've never experienced. | ||
| Try it out. | ||
| Are you scared? | ||
| It's free. | ||
| That's free float tape. | ||
| You know what is cool as fuck when you're high? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| The L.A. Planetarium. | ||
| Or the Griffith Observatory, rather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you go to it? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Isn't it awesome? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| When you lie back and you watch that star show, the show of the constellations. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Fucking incredible, man. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| When I went to Hawaii, and we went to the Big Island, and we went up to the Keck Observatory. | ||
| It's in the top of the Big Island. | ||
| It's this gigantic fucking thing they have up there, you know, telescope. | ||
| It's like one of the world's biggest radio telescopes. | ||
| The fucking view up there is insane. | ||
| You go up there, you see every fucking star. | ||
| You see the whole Milky Way. | ||
| Like, you literally see the stripe, the Milky Way, and like... | ||
| 100,000 times more stars than you normally see because it's way the fuck up there. | ||
| It's like 10,000 feet above sea level. | ||
| You're literally above the clouds. | ||
| You drive through the clouds to get to it. | ||
| Because we were driving. | ||
| I was like, this sucks, man. | ||
| It's fucking cloudy. | ||
| We're going to get up there. | ||
| We're not going to be able to see shit. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, you pop up above the clouds. | ||
| And that's where the observatory is. | ||
| God damn, it's beautiful. | ||
| The fucking stars are insane. | ||
| It's the best thing you could look at. | ||
| It's the best view. | ||
| And we deprive ourselves from it because of lights. | ||
| Even in LA, man, even in LA, if they shut off all the lights, if they shut off everything, above you would be fucking spectacular. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's the most amazing thing. | ||
| I stood there in Hawaii looking up going, is this here all the time? | ||
| This is there all the time and we can't see it. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| We have all these stupid gay holidays like Valentine's Day, Secretary's Day. | ||
| Why don't they have a holiday where everybody has to turn off their lights and there's no electricity for their day? | ||
| Have a blackout day? | ||
| Give me some knuckles. | ||
| How awesome would that be? | ||
| That's the greatest idea you've ever come up with in your fucking life. | ||
| Get Mayor Villaraigosa on the fucking bat phone right now. | ||
| Get him on the fucking bat phone. | ||
| Support blackout day. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| If we had everybody do it, literally there would be nothing from the horizon. | ||
| It would be nothing. | ||
| God, how amazing would that be? | ||
| It would be insane. | ||
| The earth would reset. | ||
| It'd be like, oh, that's what I wanted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'd be insane. | |
| It's like if you go to Vegas and you drive and you go into the mountains of Vegas, they have beautiful views in Vegas. | ||
| But because of all that fucking electricity all the goddamn time, you don't see shit. | ||
| Those lights, you don't see a goddamn thing. | ||
| You look up in the Vegas night, you don't see a fucking thing. | ||
| Can you imagine 200 years from now, Vegas had to shut the lights from Sunday to Thursday. | ||
| You ever think of that shit? | ||
| Do you remember when the Luxor had that light that shot up in the sky and was fucking up pilots? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It was so strong, it was fucking with pilots. | ||
| Did you hear just the other day in LA, some guys were shining a laser at helicopters? | ||
| And they shined it on a police helicopter? | ||
| And man, they're getting like crazy charges against them. | ||
| They should. | ||
| They chase them down. | ||
| You've got to be responsible. | ||
| Well, first of all, it shouldn't be so easy to buy a fucking laser that you can shoot up to the sky. | ||
| Especially that new one that could fucking burn you. | ||
| How about the one that I got in Georgia? | ||
| Remember that one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got one that's illegal. | ||
| Totally illegal. | ||
| That's the only reason why I got it. | ||
| The guy told me, it's shitty buddies, man. | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| I'm like, hmm. | ||
| Have it burned you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you sell it? | |
| Do you sell this? | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| It's like a super powerful laser that you can literally go to the moon with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Point it at the moon and it'll register on some fucking... | ||
| One of those Russian things. | ||
| One of those reflectors on the moon. | ||
| Like, no bullshit. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can buy these super powerful lasers. | ||
| I mean, this giant takes D-cell batteries and shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can just buy it. | ||
| Some asshole can just sell it to you. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Some asshole can sit... | ||
| On top of a building and just start blinding people. | ||
| Bam, bam, you're blind, you're blind, you're blind. | ||
| I just, just to fuck with it, I went outside and was putting little green lights on all the neighbors' houses, like seeing how powerful it was. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| You could see it all the way. | ||
| I mean, it literally shot a straight line all the way across the valley to this house that was half a mile away, and I could see it. | ||
| Remember those little laser keychains that came out when lasers first came out in 97? | ||
| Dickheads would go to the movie theater and fucking shine them on the screen. | ||
| You want to kill them? | ||
| You remember that? | ||
| The Comedy Store 2 wheels when those guys used to have them. | ||
| Those came out in Myrtle Beach when I was in Myrtle Beach. | ||
| What was the name of that Russian dude that would always sell shit every Friday? | ||
| Monkey Bones. | ||
| Monkey Bones. | ||
| I still have a bunch of his lighters, man. | ||
| Yeah, he had lighters and those lights. | ||
| Boob lighters. | ||
| I just saw one the other day around here. | ||
| Yeah, they were awesome. | ||
| He used to have these lighters that would flip the top and these little titties would light up. | ||
| It was like a bikini. | ||
| I'm such a child. | ||
| Is he still around? | ||
| Yeah, he's been hanging out more at the rock bars lately, like the Roxy and stuff like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Has he been? | ||
| See, he's one of those dudes that, even though I wasn't looking forward to seeing him when I was at the comedy store, now that I think about it, I'm like, what a cool guy. | ||
| Yeah, I always was nice to that guy. | ||
| I always talked to that guy. | ||
| He gave me his phone number. | ||
| The Comedy Store back in the day had such a unique community in that parking lot area. | ||
| You know, that parking lot area was like a Lego club that we would go to. | ||
| It was like a hangout. | ||
| You know, that was like literally half the show was the parking lot show. | ||
| You put on your best shows first in the parking lot, and then you started putting on your best shows on stage. | ||
| On stage, yeah. | ||
| We used to fuck around a lot in the parking lot. | ||
| You became a much better comic in the parking lot. | ||
| Because it was like you got loose in that parking lot and started fucking around with us, and you don't have any restrictions about time or agents watching you or managers. | ||
| You could just be yourself, and you would fucking kill everybody in the parking lot, and then you would take that and just go on stage with it. | ||
| Go on stage with the anger, yeah. | ||
| But before, you were telling jokes, right? | ||
| When you first started out, you were telling jokes on stage, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What was a typical routine? | ||
| I have no fucking idea. | ||
| You don't remember what you talked about at all? | ||
| That was a long fucking time ago. | ||
| It was like you would go into a subject, but you wouldn't really go into it in depth. | ||
| Go into a subject, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You would scratch it, and then you would go to the next subject. | ||
| That's really wild. | ||
| You never figured out how to get that momentum. | ||
| You get the momentum from going into a subject and then really exploring that subject. | ||
| So you take the audience on a little trip. | ||
| I know that's how I feel when I'm in the audience and I'm watching a really good comic and they start on a subject. | ||
| I want them to really explore that subject. | ||
| I'm like, there's a lot of shit in that subject. | ||
| Let's go in there. | ||
| A lot of shit, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The best guy at that to me when I was coming up was Richard Jenney. | ||
| Richard Jenney, I got to see him a bunch of times. | ||
| I got to see him once before I ever even did stand-up. | ||
| I was just paying as an audience member. | ||
| I got to see him at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge. | ||
| And it was nice because nobody even knew who he was back then. | ||
| It wasn't even packed. | ||
| And I sat right on the front. | ||
| And the dude would take a subject man and just ring that motherfucker out. | ||
| Ring it out! | ||
| He would do a subject for like 10 minutes. | ||
| And then right when you thought it was over, bam! | ||
| He comes up with something else and more punchlines and more... | ||
| And it was like... | ||
| I was in awe. | ||
| I was like, I don't think anybody does it like that guy. | ||
| I think that guy's one of the most underappreciated stand-ups. | ||
| It was Richard Jenny. | ||
| You know, a lot of people, like, you know, they didn't give him the credit that he deserved because a lot of his premises were, like, kind of common premises. | ||
| You know, like, you know, common, like, almost like... | ||
| Talk show host, not talk show host, but like, you know, if you're doing a spot on Letterman. | ||
| Like, a lot of his premises just fit right into the standard, you know, Letterman spot. | ||
| But he was so good at writing. | ||
| His presence was brilliant on stage. | ||
| Timing. | ||
| His timing was amazing. | ||
| He had something that just, you know, and that's a shame. | ||
| He was in a plane with me just a couple weeks before he killed himself. | ||
| Just maybe a couple months. | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| But he was headed to Austin. | ||
| We were headed to Austin to do Cap City Comedy Club. | ||
| And he was headed there for a corporate gig. | ||
| And I got a chance to talk to him a little bit and say hi to him. | ||
| You know, I mean, you wish you said more. | ||
| But I've never really had long conversations with the dude. | ||
| But I always felt like Richard Jennings is always going to be around. | ||
| I always see him at the improv or whatever and say hi. | ||
| And he was always friendly. | ||
| So it's like, you know, you see him there, and you're like, what are you doing? | ||
| You going to a gig? | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Oh, corporate gig? | ||
| Oh, cool, cool. | ||
| Yeah, we're doing a comedy club. | ||
| Oh, all right, man. | ||
| Have fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| And that was, like, the conversation, you know? | ||
| It's like, man, I wish I'd talked to him, you know? | ||
| I wish I'd picked his brain. | ||
| I seen Bobcat yesterday at the doctor's office. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| How's he doing? | ||
| On the way in, looks completely fucking different. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like how? | ||
| Bald? | ||
| Skinny? | ||
| Yeah, glasses, weird glasses. | ||
| And I looked at him at first, and he looked at me, and he's like, I'm like, Bobcat, and... | ||
| He doesn't do that though. | ||
| No, he doesn't do that no more. | ||
| He was a funny comic. | ||
| But it was good to see him. | ||
| Bobcat does not get the respect he deserves either because Bobcat was in those Police Academy movies. | ||
| So people didn't respect him as a comic. | ||
| But as a comic, Bobcat was fucking hilarious. | ||
| Meet Bob. | ||
| Do you remember that CD? That's fucking brilliant. | ||
| I never knew he was a comic. | ||
| Because I was pre-internet. | ||
| So I only saw him as that annoying voice. | ||
| He's still doing it. | ||
| I think he's still doing it. | ||
| I worked bananas with him like six years ago. | ||
| That's what we're talking about. | ||
| He's like, bananas, that was a long time. | ||
| Is he still good? | ||
| I mean, how's his sets now? | ||
| I think he just works for Kimmel, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So when he does stand-up, he just does it every now and then? | ||
| Yeah, every now and then. | ||
| We didn't even talk about it. | ||
| That's a shame. | ||
| He was really good. | ||
| He would have benefited from the internet like crazy, having comedy clips or Twitter at that time. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| I mean, he was that. | ||
| He was a perfect fit for the internet. | ||
| If the internet had come along ten years earlier, Bobcat was a perfect fit. | ||
| Can you imagine people's careers if Twitter and Facebook and all this shit... | ||
| Imagine Richard Pryor at his prime if he had a Facebook page and a Twitter page and everything. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Imagine Kinnison's Twitter. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| It would be every day. | ||
| Some girl, cut me off! | ||
| You fucking whore! | ||
| That would be his Twitter every day. | ||
| It would be awesome. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of guys. | ||
| Back then, unfortunately, there was one avenue. | ||
| You had to get on television. | ||
| You had to get on HBO. That would be the big one. | ||
| Get on one of those comedy specials. | ||
| But now there's so many avenues and it's so easy now. | ||
| I always think about that like I would have been fucked if it wasn't for the internet because I would have been always labeled as a game show host guy. | ||
| Nobody would have taken my comedy seriously. | ||
| You'd have to see me live to know that I was actually a comic first. | ||
| I just took Fear Factor for money. | ||
| Back then, if you did something that wasn't cohesive for a good career, nobody forgave you. | ||
| You labeled that guy and then they moved on to the next thing. | ||
| Now, because of the internet, you can completely express yourself. | ||
| People know exactly who you are. | ||
| Like this, this podcast. | ||
| This is like the 26th one that we've done. | ||
| By that, people know who the fuck you are. | ||
| You are who you are. | ||
| You're broadcasting it. | ||
| Back then, man, you could fake an image. | ||
| How many fucking gay guys were straight and they got married and everything and the Hollywood image and the studio pushed an image for them and press people would talk to the press for you and you had a publicist. | ||
| Publicists are fucking useless now. | ||
| As long as you're Twittering, People know what you really like. | ||
| Look at Spencer Pratt and all these fucking people. | ||
| Anybody like that. | ||
| They become popular and then they just get to talk. | ||
| You could have a million publicists. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Everybody's going to know eventually. | ||
| They're going to compile enough data to know exactly what you really like. | ||
| They're going to know your lows and your highs. | ||
| They're going to get to make an honest judgment. | ||
| Like Google knows everything about us. | ||
| How about we were talking about this Apple iPhone thing? | ||
| The iPhone, there's like some new thing where Apple's collecting and sharing iPhone users' precise locations. | ||
| And this is what it is, an updated version of the privacy policy. | ||
| The company's added a paragraph noting that once users agree, Apple and unspecified partners and licensees may collect and store user location data. | ||
| And I see what you're saying. | ||
| You're saying that it's totally anonymous. | ||
| And I appreciate that. | ||
| But you're selling it. | ||
| You're selling data. | ||
| You're collecting data on me and you're selling it. | ||
| Please don't. | ||
| Yeah, well, there gets to a point where everyone needs to make money. | ||
| I get that, but the money that they're making when you're doing stuff like this, like these ads, is spammers. | ||
| You're making money off spammers. | ||
| You're making money off people who are going to find out where you are and spam the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, probably. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I mean, that's what they're doing. | ||
| They're trying to find out where you're at. | ||
| Are you buying things? | ||
| What are you buying? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Eventually, your phone is going to be like it is in Japan, too, man. | ||
| Your phone's going to be money. | ||
| They're trying to customize, just like everything, customize your shopping experiences and everything. | ||
| We were talking about satellite radio. | ||
| I am a huge fan of Pandora, because it kind of makes you a radio station based around what you like. | ||
| And it keeps on getting... | ||
| And that streams off your phone, no problem. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Especially the iPhone, you Bluetooth it right to my car, and it's great. | ||
| It's like a non-stop... | ||
| Radio stations, satellite radio, all based right around what you like and don't like. | ||
| Right, but what I was saying about the phone eventually becoming money, in Japan, you can buy things with your phone. | ||
| I don't know if you scan it or you send something. | ||
| I don't know exactly how it works, but it's commonplace. | ||
| And that's going to happen over here eventually. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| And people are going to start hacking it. | ||
| Now, once they're sharing data and they know where your precise locations are and you're buying things, you're going to get spam on your phone. | ||
| Something's going to happen. | ||
| Once you have a phone on, doesn't whoever the fuck know where you're at? | ||
| My point is that why would they be paying for it if they're not going to use it? | ||
| If they're going to use it, you're going to get some bullshit. | ||
| They shouldn't be able to sell your fucking info. | ||
| Unless it's benefiting... | ||
| Why would your precise location benefit the company's development? | ||
| I guess that's something you just have to be like, well, hey, then don't use it. | ||
| Just like, why would they get us on TV? Really, though? | ||
| But that seems like a douchey thing. | ||
| It seems like they're maximizing their profit, and one of the ways they're doing it is by selling your private information. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not your private information. | ||
| You just become a number. | ||
| You become a digit. | ||
| Right, but they know exactly where you are. | ||
| What kind of private information? | ||
| Is it your bank account? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Or is it no? | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| Precise locations. | ||
| Well, what I think it is is where you go every day, what your interests are. | ||
| Like if you call 800 fucking sex lines. | ||
| So now when a sex corporation calls AT&T and says, we want to buy names from you of people who use sex lines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| At least AT&T's working. | ||
| How many times have you gotten a call for a funeral parlor? | ||
| Ain't nobody dying with me. | ||
| If somebody calls you and says you want a dick sucking, at least they're narrowing it down. | ||
| Maybe that's what they're selling. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You follow me? | ||
| Listen, if you call a gambling, let's say you go to Vegas all the fucking time from LA. What do you go to Vegas for? | ||
| Either to get your dick sucked or to fucking gamble if you're a regular consumer. | ||
| So maybe that's the data they're collecting. | ||
| And when they sell it out there... | ||
| You know, how many times do you get calls, Joe, from people trying to sell you something? | ||
| How many emails do you get? | ||
| You get a lot of those calls where people want you to change banks and interest rates and shit like that. | ||
| Shit like that. | ||
| So how do you think they... | ||
| You know, it's stupid stuff. | ||
| Yeah, somebody sells your phone number. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think they sell your pin or your mother's maiden name, guys. | ||
| I just think they sell your interest. | ||
| What you be with... | ||
| It's very annoying when someone calls my house and they have my name and they ask, you know, may I speak to Joe? | ||
| Are you talking about home phone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Home phones are dead, man. | ||
| Since I got rid of my home phone like five years ago, I've never had a single stray call ever. | ||
| Man, I'm a little bit old school. | ||
| I like to have a home phone number, man. | ||
| Just in case. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to just always be relying on my cell phone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm a little old school. | ||
| You ever go buy a car, and a week after you buy a car, you get an application for a credit card? | ||
| What do you think that happens? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It just happens? | ||
| I don't get those. | ||
| The fact that I bought the paper. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of course, they sold your shit. | ||
| You know what's the worst? | ||
| It's where they take a car and put it in a mall and it's like, sign up to win this car. | ||
| That is just the worst thing you could possibly ever do. | ||
| Like signing two weeks free at a fucking gym. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anything like that. | ||
| Anything you see, anything online that you give you information about, you're fucked. | ||
| But I always knew they were doing... | ||
| See, once 9-11 came, dawg. | ||
| This became more available. | ||
| That was what law was passed. | ||
| We lost a lot of fucking freedoms that we don't even know we had. | ||
| That's why there's people freaking out, but they don't know that. | ||
| I don't know if it has to do with 9-11, but you're absolutely right about executive orders that Bush passed and Cheney passed. | ||
| We lost a lot of freedoms, bro. | ||
| So this is part of the freedoms that we were losing that people were complaining about. | ||
| I and you don't know. | ||
| This couldn't have happened 20 years ago. | ||
| That's why you used to get called from Peely Pastapedic trying to sell you a fucking mattress. | ||
| And you're like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I don't want no mattress because your name just got sold. | ||
| Let me ask you this. | ||
| Why do you think they concentrate on taking rights away? | ||
| Do you think they concentrate on taking rights away because they're worried the shit is eventually going to hit the fan and then they're going to have to really figure out how to control people? | ||
| So they're going to have to have more regulations, more ways to lock you up? | ||
| Why else would they be struggling to try to get more control over people? | ||
| Why would they be struggling to take away your rights and liberties? | ||
| Unless there's profit or unless they can control you in some sort of a time of great stress and disaster. | ||
| I think it's just protection. | ||
| If you don't murder anyone, you're fine. | ||
| Okay, that's not true. | ||
| Because the government can absolutely target people who are enemies of the government. | ||
| People have taken people out of the Green Party and put them on terrorist watch lists and no-fly lists just because they protest against the war. | ||
| That's fact. | ||
| That's already happened. | ||
| That's already done. | ||
| So there's no way they're doing it just to protect you. | ||
| They're doing it to profit. | ||
| They don't need to protect you like that. | ||
| If they needed to protect you like that, it would be much more obvious. | ||
| It's just, at a certain point in time, it's like, how much information is going to be available about... | ||
| I mean, right now, I can Google Brian Reichel and find out all kinds of shit about you. | ||
| I can Google your name. | ||
| I can Google my name. | ||
| When is it going to be just instantly available to everybody? | ||
| Not even a Google. | ||
| You know, I mean, what the fuck is the next thing? | ||
| Joe, it is available. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| If somebody's a 16-year-old computer hack that knows what the fuck he's doing, it's available to him. | ||
| To guys like me, I'm a moron. | ||
| I know nothing about the computer. | ||
| But there's a kid right now that can press three buttons and he'll call you here with your motherfucking pin number and your phone pin number. | ||
| Don't tell me you know nothing about the computer. | ||
| I saw you Twitter from your cell phone. | ||
| You're a monster. | ||
| Me? | ||
| You ever Twitter from your cell phone? | ||
| Because Brian set it up for me. | ||
| That's my witness right there. | ||
| You know what's going to be crazy? | ||
| FaceTime is going to be crazy. | ||
| Six months from now, FaceTime hackers are going to bust into your phone and turn on your cameras and just view whatever is going on in your room and listen to whatever you're going to listen to. | ||
| Do you think that's real? | ||
| I totally believe it. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Will that be once it hits a network or will it be while it's on 3G? I don't think it matters. | ||
| I don't think it matters. | ||
| I think the government could be like, you know what? | ||
| This is what we're going to do now. | ||
| We're going to bust, go through AT&T's network. | ||
| We're going to fucking use their FaceTime. | ||
| Could you imagine the first fucking court case where somebody gets busted doing something? | ||
| How about dudes? | ||
| How dudes add keystroke things to their wives' computers to find out where their wife's going, meeting up with their ex-boyfriend, and shit like that. | ||
| You always hear things like that. | ||
| The guy put a keystroke on a... | ||
| Guys who are stalkers, they want to find out what you're doing. | ||
| Yeah, if you have a girlfriend that you want to stalk, you know... | ||
| Here's something completely easy to do that I thought of the other day. | ||
| Brian, why are you giving out stalking information? | ||
| Well, no, I'm just... | ||
| You don't stalk, do you? | ||
| No, I totally don't stalk. | ||
| Have you ever stalked? | ||
| Never stalked. | ||
| You were thinking about it, though. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Not even when you were a young kid? | ||
| Never drove by a girl's house? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, drove in. | ||
| Not, like, did anything crazy. | ||
| Did you put it in the windows? | ||
| I just masturbated in the car and cried. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| That's normal. | ||
| Say your girlfriend has an iPhone. | ||
| You set up that where are you now location thing on her mobile meet. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| And then if you just log in and you know her password, you could always check on where exactly your girlfriend or wife is. | ||
| That's just wrong, dude. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| And then you could send her messages like... | ||
| Hey, I see you with him. | ||
| See, if Orange Juice Jones had that option, that song would have never come out. | ||
| And him, I flat out busted you and shit. | ||
| Now, for a word from our sponsor. | ||
| Hit it, Joe Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were holding hands and I'd never be the same. | |
| Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| What does he say? | ||
| I missed you so much today. | ||
| I missed you so much, I followed you. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| He said something like that to him. | ||
| Please pull that up, Brian. | ||
| Pull that up and turn that on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is the greatest rap of all time. | |
| I followed you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You stone cold busted. | ||
| Close your mouth. | ||
| He says a bunch of shit to him. | ||
| What are you even singing? | ||
| Orange Juice Jones. | ||
| Orange Juice Jones. | ||
| I Saw You. | ||
| Just press Orange Juice Jones. | ||
| He only had one song. | ||
| It don't fucking matter. | ||
| Orange Juice Jones. | ||
| Just go right to it. | ||
| There's like one appearance with him on Soul Train where you're singing something that nobody remembers. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But I Saw You and Him Walking Through the Rain is the shit. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| It's the greatest rap song at the end. | ||
| I Saw You. | ||
| And him. | ||
| Walking in the rain. | ||
| Shut your mouth, you cold, flat bastard. | ||
| I loved you so much, I followed you. | ||
| Wasn't it Silly Rabbit, Tricks It For Kids? | ||
| Yeah, that's what it came from. | ||
| Silly Rabbit, Tricks It For Kids. | ||
| Okay, we have it? | ||
| Yeah, I'm waiting for it. | ||
| There's a commercial before that video. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Stop this. | ||
| Why are they 30 seconds now? | ||
| I tolerate your 15 second commercials. | ||
| If you give me a fucking 30-second commercial before I watch a YouTube clip with a dog that's barking, okay, some fucking 10-second video, I swear to God, I will stop buying your product. | ||
| 15-second commercials is good. | ||
| Stop being greedy. | ||
| 30-second Microsoft Windows. | ||
| Go, Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is old, old-school 1984. Was it 84? | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| You need a video too because the video is ridiculous. | ||
| This is what you people get in the afternoons. | ||
| Can you show the video? | ||
| Look at that dancing. | ||
| Look at that dude move. | ||
| Pip style. | ||
| I wonder what he's doing today. | ||
| I know, we gotta look him up after. | ||
| Barnes Juice Jones. | ||
| In Dorchester, he's probably doing some nightclub, an appearance. | ||
| You got it perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were holding hands and I'll never be the same. | |
| Oh yeah, people. | ||
| Podcast motherfuckers. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Fourth of July, baby. | ||
| Hit it. | ||
| Wait until he gets mad at her when he packs up all his shit and then he has a conversation with her at the end. | ||
| Well, he breaks it down. | ||
| Breaks it down. | ||
| Let's a bitch know. | ||
| Throw some strong pimp game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can speed it up, buddy. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| You don't need to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| People can live. | ||
| Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| That's a real black man right there. | ||
| Very few white dudes will floss with their clothes like a black guy does. | ||
| Very few white guys dress like that and wear fucking furs and suits and shit like that. | ||
| Someone's got to come along and do that. | ||
| Why doesn't some white guy start wearing crazy suits and furs and shit like that? | ||
| Big fucking diamonds, but sing like totally white-oriented music. | ||
| John Meyer. | ||
| Can you imagine if John Meyer started dressing in furs? | ||
| Furs and diamonds and shit, big fat pinky rings, and a fucking cane with a dragon's head on it, a silver cane. | ||
| I mean, why not, dude? | ||
| That guy has fucked every famous woman on the planet. | ||
| He might as well just go all out. | ||
| Just go straight pimp style. | ||
| Have a fucking diamond-encrusted staff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here it is. | |
| To a Rambo! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pull out the jammy and flat blast both of you. | |
| $3,700 LYNX code! | ||
| $3,700 in 1984. | ||
| That's 10 G's there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my goodness, my credit card! | |
| My charge counts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Check it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, I can't give you nothing but advice. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Look, she's on the street now. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Cars driving by. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Silly rabbit tricks are for kids. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Without me you're like cornflake without the milk. | ||
| You just squirrel trying to get a nut. | ||
| It's my word. | ||
| God, I forgot all about that. | ||
| That was beautiful. | ||
| Beautiful, though. | ||
| That was amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| Half that song was like R. Kelly. | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| Wow, that's the original R. Kelly. | ||
| Yeah, he's the original R. Kelly. | ||
| Except R. Kelly's much more ridiculous. | ||
| This guy doesn't have the internet. | ||
| See, they showed him pissing on people. | ||
| R. Kelly is so much more ridiculous. | ||
| R. Kelly's the best. | ||
| That video that you guys sent me was fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When he's yelling at us, saying shit on the phone. | ||
| You know, what is it about black culture where the black guy never loses? | ||
| In black culture, and like, not all, obviously, but in shit like this, like these kind of songs, and like the R. Kelly type songs, or like Superfly movies or something like that, there's something about never losing. | ||
| You know, you can't get me. | ||
| I already planned this out. | ||
| It's like something about being clever. | ||
| Like, have you ever listened to the Superfly? | ||
| You ever watched Superfly? | ||
| The best. | ||
| One of the greatest blaxploitation movies ever. | ||
| But the end is so fucking dumb. | ||
| I took out a hit on you. | ||
| So if anything happens to me, you're dead. | ||
| Like, damn, he got him! | ||
| He got the man! | ||
| He planned in advance! | ||
| There's something... | ||
| You get him in the face of a garbage can and shit. | ||
| Oh, it's so ridiculous, man. | ||
| Those old blaxploitation movies were awesome. | ||
| But there's something about that, you know, this oppressed culture that just wants to win no matter what, you know? | ||
| I don't think white people will ever understand that. | ||
| You'll never understand. | ||
| Never understand what that's like. | ||
| To be an Orange Juice Jones. | ||
| I mean, that's why white people can't wear those lynx coats. | ||
| You know, who's that kid in Miami? | ||
| There's that one kid who's like a beat maker. | ||
| He's made a bunch of beats for like really famous hip-hop artists. | ||
| And he made millions of dollars, but then he wound up blowing it all on cocaine. | ||
| There's a big article about him. | ||
| And I think it was Esquire. | ||
| Esquire or GQ? Big article about him recently. | ||
| No idea. | ||
| Some famous beat guy. | ||
| I'm sure if you go look on it. | ||
| Where's Orange Juice Jones now? | ||
| Did he die? | ||
| Hey, Dorchester, bro. | ||
| Can you imagine if he just works at a grocery store now, but he still goes, I'm Orange Juice Jones, and I recommend this orange juice. | ||
| Like he uses it. | ||
| I wonder if he has. | ||
| Let's Google. | ||
| Google Orange Juice Jones. | ||
| Where is he today? | ||
| Yeah, I bet he's got a website and a community. | ||
| Hey, check my Twitter! | ||
| I told you, woman. | ||
| Scott Storch. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| A-Y-K-O-7. | ||
| Oh, another guy got it. | ||
| Get down. | ||
| Dude, I mobile-med you. | ||
| I ticked your iPhone. | ||
| I found out where you is. | ||
| Yeah, I miss you so much, I followed you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Silly rabbit. | ||
| See, in those days, it really wasn't following. | ||
| It wasn't even stalking. | ||
| Yeah, you were allowed to. | ||
| Well, you had to because you couldn't just text somebody and say, where are you, bitch? | ||
| Those days, man, guys must have just had extra families all over the place. | ||
| All right, I found him. | ||
| Where was he? | ||
| Alex, after Jones failed to have significant follow-up success, he left the music industry to tend to his terminally ill mother and raise a family. | ||
| He helps his son, Orin2, not Orin1, Orin2, better known as Mookie, with his rap career. | ||
| In addition to producing and scoring music for commercials and independent movies, Jones also contributes to a number of hip-hop blogs, including Houston's JustFlippin.com or Global Grind. | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Well, now we know about Orange Juice Jones. | ||
| He's fucking out there in the community. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Keeping shit popping. | ||
| He should have done stand-up comedy if he wrote those lyrics, you know? | ||
| Because that sounds pretty funny. | ||
| I think you would have to be funny on purpose. | ||
| No, that wasn't funny on purpose. | ||
| It seemed kind of humorous. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| Humorous in like, yeah, got you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's not your type of way. | ||
| What you're laughing at is not... | ||
| He doesn't understand what you're laughing at. | ||
| You're laughing at it because it's ridiculous. | ||
| What the fuck are you laughing at when I'm talking to my woman? | ||
| Fine clothes, coochies, diamonds. | ||
| $3,700 links. | ||
| That's just brilliant. | ||
| That's poetry. | ||
| It is, but you have to really mean it in order for it to be poetry. | ||
| If you're just pretending... | ||
| There was that black exploitation parody that came out recently with Michael John White. | ||
| I didn't hear anything about it. | ||
| But I didn't have a desire to see it because they were trying to pretend. | ||
| They were making a fake movie. | ||
| They were doing it on purpose. | ||
| They were acting ridiculous on purpose. | ||
| It's only funny if you're acting ridiculous... | ||
| And you think it's cool. | ||
| It's not funny if you're trying to be funny acting ridiculous. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like, I mean, it's funny. | ||
| I mean, it's okay. | ||
| But it's never as funny as someone who really, you know, I saw you. | ||
| Sit down, baby. | ||
| It's way more funny when he's real. | ||
| Like R. Kelly. | ||
| That's the genius of the R. Kelly video is that that guy really thinks that way. | ||
| I guarantee why Orange Juice Joe's went into the studio and started saying that. | ||
| People in the studio were like, What the fuck is he doing? | ||
| Man, I know what I'm doing, alright? | ||
| Let me just lay this shit down on this bitch, alright? | ||
| And they were like, bro, it ain't gonna work. | ||
| Watch my shit! | ||
| And he just said it, and he goes, I said it's staying. | ||
| They argued for a little while. | ||
| I wonder when people break up with Orange Juice Jones, they're like, what are you gonna do, walk in the rain? | ||
| You're fucking retarded. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| What are you gonna write a song about me, asshole? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Move on with your life. | ||
| Keep me out of your shitty fucking CDs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw you walking in the rain. | |
| Have you ever had a girl tell you to not talk about her in your act? | ||
| Did you see that other thing Stanhope wrote about Bobby Barnett? | ||
| You know, he's got that joke about this chick Bobby Barnett that fucked him that's like way too hot to fuck him. | ||
| But she fucked him. | ||
| And, you know, he's like, you can't take that back. | ||
| A thousand repo men can't take that back, Bobby Barnett. | ||
| You fucked me. | ||
| And he put it in his... | ||
| To take the edge off. | ||
| It was like his closing bit. | ||
| Well, apparently this chick contacted him. | ||
| It's on... | ||
| If you go to DougStanhope.com, it's on his website. | ||
| It's one of his blogs. | ||
| This chick contacted him. | ||
| You know, she's like, you sick fuck. | ||
| I'm a born again Christian now. | ||
| And all this... | ||
| And so he wrote this fucking, basically a new bit explaining, fuck me, you can't take that back. | ||
| Like he redid the bit, like even funnier, in a blog, you know, talking about times and things that have happened and what, you know, I always wondered what you were, you know, what you're up to these days. | ||
| The where are you now, you know, screen that plays in my mind. | ||
| Very funny, man. | ||
| Very funny shit. | ||
| You never had a chick tell you not to talk about her in your act? | ||
| I had one chick get mad because she 99.9% positive cheated on me. | ||
| She went away and she went on vacation and she got fucking rug burn on her back. | ||
| She went to Florida to visit her cousin. | ||
| Her cousin's a whore. | ||
| She went to visit her cousin in Florida. | ||
| She had fucking rug burn on her back. | ||
| I had my hand on her back and I felt something. | ||
| I pulled up her skirt. | ||
| I turned around. | ||
| I looked at her. | ||
| I go, what the fuck is on your back? | ||
| And she goes, I was drinking. | ||
| Oh, I was drinking and I was leaning against this thing and there was like a nail on it. | ||
| I go, there's a nail. | ||
| I go, a nail did that? | ||
| I go, you didn't feel the nail? | ||
| You just kept rubbing your back back and forth on the nail. | ||
| I go, that's not carpet brand? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I'm saying somebody fucked you. | ||
| No! | ||
| No! | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| You're saying that no one fucked you? | ||
| He goes, no, it's not carpet burn. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| I was drinking. | ||
| I don't know what I was doing. | ||
| And I was like leaning against this thing. | ||
| I was like, this crazy lying bitch. | ||
| It was like the dumbest lie ever. | ||
| Like this dumb whore didn't even know that she had this fucking scab on her back from getting fucked so hard. | ||
| Probably in the dirt somewhere. | ||
| Crazy bitch. | ||
| She was probably on a fucking asphalt parking lot. | ||
| Probably broken glass. | ||
| Construction site. | ||
| I was young. | ||
| I was like 21. 21 or 22. I think. | ||
| I might have been a little older. | ||
| But it was ridiculous. | ||
| But I'd already cheated on her, so I didn't care. | ||
| She was like, it was a bad relationship. | ||
| I didn't enjoy it. | ||
| It wasn't a fun one. | ||
| But she came to a comedy show that night with me, you know, after she got back. | ||
| All right, get your clothes on, this and that. | ||
| And we went and we left. | ||
| I don't even remember if I fucked her. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| Because I was probably grossed out. | ||
| But I took her to my comedy show. | ||
| She wanted to come with me, and she was planning on it. | ||
| So I got on stage and immediately go into the whole fucking story about my girlfriend going to, you know, spring break and coming back with rug burn. | ||
| And I had, you know, like what, you know, I had like a what's worse. | ||
| And then I put that one out. | ||
| Like, how would you react to that one? | ||
| And then I tell the whole story. | ||
| She was fucking furious. | ||
| She was so mad. | ||
| She's like, if you don't fucking believe me. | ||
| I go, I believe you. | ||
| But it's funny. | ||
| It's just a joke. | ||
| I'm just pretending that you really did fuck somebody on stage. | ||
| The best thing about Facebook is finding your old babysitter. | ||
| I remember this babysitter was just fucking hot. | ||
| And she's still pretty hot. | ||
| Now she's divorced. | ||
| Did she touch you? | ||
| She never touched me, but what she let me do is she let me put my head in her crotch like sleep. | ||
| In her crotch, you know what I mean? | ||
| And then I would move my head around and she would kind of squeeze my head. | ||
| Grind up against her. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I just remember it was so fucking hard. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| I'd probably say 11, 10. Sniff a pussy? | ||
| Sniff a pussy? | ||
| He was giving her a fucking forehead job. | ||
| Sniff a monkey through the shorts. | ||
| I remember she would just have the blanket over her and be watching TV and I'd be underneath the blanket just doing whatever I wanted to. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And then there was this one time, I remember it was the best feeling in the world. | ||
| I remember I climbed up, put my hands on both sides of her tits and just laid on top of her. | ||
| Did she let you do that? | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| So anyways, I found her on Facebook. | ||
| That chick is crazy. | ||
| She's a fucking child molester. | ||
| You're 10 years old. | ||
| She's making you eat her box. | ||
| Dude, she's fucking hot. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It's like your bit. | ||
| I fucking loved it. | ||
| It was the greatest thing in the whole entire world. | ||
| What do you think it is? | ||
| Do you think that she's just a total attention whore and she just couldn't help anybody touch her? | ||
| I think she was probably 16 or 18 and she was just like, okay, this is great. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Anyways, I found her on Facebook and she's still kind of hot. | ||
| And she's divorced, so I said, hey, we should get drinks sometime. | ||
| Wouldn't that be cool? | ||
| Where's she live now? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Where's she live? | ||
| Delaware. | ||
| You've been to Delaware? | ||
| I've been to Maryland. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Are you planning on trying to bang this chick? | ||
| No, but I think that would be kind of hot. | ||
| To bang her? | ||
| To bang the... | ||
| You know, we started something 30 years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| That would be the longest relationship I've ever had. | ||
| So she would only be like five years older than you. | ||
| So she'd be like 40, you think? | ||
| Yeah, she was something like that. | ||
| So 40. So it's probably still lubing up itself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Still works. | ||
| Just do it once. | ||
| Get in and out. | ||
| See what it's all about. | ||
| What if you got her pregnant? | ||
| Got her pregnant and then we both molested our girl with child. | ||
| No, that's not funny. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| See, you just did what we were talking about earlier. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| That was completely... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's disgusting. | |
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| Self-evaluate. | ||
| What if she fell in love with you? | ||
| Dude, what if she's always been in love with me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know why I did that when you were 11, but now I do know. | |
| I know. | ||
| We were meant to be. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so hot. | |
| How gross is the... | ||
| When someone says we were meant to be together and you just want to get the fuck away from them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were meant to be together, you can't see that? | |
| And you're like, oh my god, do you know how much you annoy me? | ||
| Do you know how much I can't wait to get the fuck away from you and tell me we're meant to be together? | ||
| Some people just want someone... | ||
| They get so poisoned by music and songs and stories that they want it to work out the way it does in the movies. | ||
| They want it to be like that. | ||
| They want it to be some special person in their life. | ||
| So even if it's not a special connection that you have with some person, they pretend it is. | ||
| Because that's what they've always wanted. | ||
| They want to be in a fucking Sandra Bullock movie, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| It's tough action, man. | ||
| I can't stop thinking about my babysitter's tits. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Did you ever play doctor or do any of that creepy shit when you were a child? | ||
| I had a 21-year-old chick that used to grab my dick when I was 13. I didn't actually fuck her, but she would make out with me, I would tongue kiss her, and she would grab my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I was gonna fuck her, but I couldn't get it up. | ||
| I was totally paranoid and panicked. | ||
| I didn't know exactly what was going on. | ||
| I had never even orgasmed before. | ||
| I'd never masturbated before. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| So I went from nothing to this woman. | ||
| She was 21. She had tits and an ass. | ||
| And she had a boyfriend who was a construction worker who was this fucking big manly dude with hairy chest. | ||
| And he would be doing his fucking construction work, bare-chested, like, in the neighborhood. | ||
| And I was like, this was her boyfriend. | ||
| And this bitch was a... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Apparently, anybody could fuck her. | ||
| All you had to do was ask. | ||
| Oh, that's nice. | ||
| And she would just let the whole neighborhood just fuck her. | ||
| You know, she was just completely insane. | ||
| And she had me come over when I was like 13. And I was like, there's no way this is really going to happen. | ||
| She's fucking 21. I'm 13. How is she even living at home? | ||
| All these thoughts are going through my head, right? | ||
| Next thing you know, she's grabbing my dick and she's sucking my tongue. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| This crazy bitch wants to fuck me and I'm 13. Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
| There's a lot of those chicks out there, man. | ||
| I used to take... | ||
| Me and my friend would take all the neighborhood girls. | ||
| There was like four of them. | ||
| And we'd line them up and make them all take off their pants. | ||
| And then we'd stick pencils in them and smell them. | ||
| And my friend was like... | ||
| He was more... | ||
| You put pencils in their pussies? | ||
| Yeah, we do things like that. | ||
| It was like playing doctor or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, you're fucking crazy. | |
| You know how many girls you must have given use infections and shit? | ||
| Pencils in your pussy. | ||
| Pencils in your pussy. | ||
| Lead poisoning. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What did you grow fucking up in? | ||
| The fucking sexiest neighborhood in the whole entire world. | ||
| It was the sexiest neighborhood in the whole entire world. | ||
| Pencils up your snatch. | ||
| I tried to fuck my cousin once. | ||
| She wasn't really my cousin. | ||
| She was like, you know when your parents are tight with somebody? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| And I found her on Facebook too. | ||
| And then when she didn't reply back to me, I started thinking about all those times and I used to give her a stab and I was like 11 and she was like 9. I would feel her stomach the next moment to see if she was pregnant. | ||
| I was fucking retarded. | ||
| You were banging her when you were 11? | ||
| I would go down to Miami for the summers. | ||
| And you were banging her? | ||
| Well, banging her. | ||
| You put your dick in your ass and you're pumped like a cat. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| So you didn't actually get it in there? | ||
| Who knew? | ||
| You started sex at 11? | ||
| Like real sex? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Then I had sex. | |
| Real sad. | ||
| And then I had another girl that had hair on her pussy. | ||
| She lived in the Bronx. | ||
| And I would go up there to spend it with her and her family on the weekends and I'd give her a little fucking malooka. | ||
| The girl that I told you that had a bunch of abortions, I was very young. | ||
| By the time I got older, she had all the abortions. | ||
| But when I was young, I tainted her, and this girl, all you have to do is touch her tits. | ||
| Just touch them. | ||
| And she would start freaking out and go like this. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| And I thought that would happen with other girls, too. | ||
| And you touch their tits, and they're like, yeah? | ||
| Okay, touching my tits. | ||
| Come on, let's keep going. | ||
| But it wasn't the same effect. | ||
| I'm like, are your tits broken? | ||
| Like, what's... | ||
| I'm grabbing your tit. | ||
| Why aren't you freaking out? | ||
| She would go into spasms. | ||
| Just touching her tits. | ||
| Catholic school. | ||
| That's what that shit was. | ||
| I would get new babysitters and I thought they were all the same. | ||
| So I would get a new one and she'd walk in and I would smack her in the ass. | ||
| She'd be like, what is that? | ||
| That happened to me with the girl who molested me when she was 21 and I was 13. I started playing with real girls after that, like my age. | ||
| And when they're my age, I'm trying to try to grab their ass or something. | ||
| They'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| I'm like, I thought we were going to do what boys and girls do. | ||
| Isn't this what... | ||
| They didn't have nothing to do with it. | ||
| They're like, you can't just jump right into fingering me, you crazy asshole. | ||
| That's the problem with any early sexual experience. | ||
| If you're having a sexual experience with someone who's older than you, you're just jumping right into the pool. | ||
| So all your contemporaries, everyone's going to go through this trial and error process. | ||
| It's normally 15-year-olds and 16-year-olds and whatever. | ||
| They just start playing with each other, but they're doing it all together. | ||
| And you just hop right into someone sucking your dick, some crazy bitch that fucks everybody on the block. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| So this is what we do? | ||
| We just start fucking? | ||
| And we go from nothing to hanging out with this whore? | ||
| It's funny, the first girl I ever tongue kissed, I found on Facebook recently, and she is the biggest white piece of trash ever, and she's got like a hundred kids, and she lives in Florida, and we found a video of her, and she's like, oh, I don't know who's talking about Snoop Dogg, but I don't... | ||
| And she was fat, and it was like this dream girl that I think about all the time in my head, like frozen in my head, and now I see her, and I'm like, oh my god, that is so awful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's funny when you look back on the different types of people that you kind of experiment with when you first start dating. | ||
| You know, when you're young, and you don't even know what the fuck you like, and all of a sudden you catch yourself out with some chick who's just completely nuts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Think about how many fucking nutty bitches you dated in your life, Joey Diaz. | ||
| One that showed up at Rascals Down the Shore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| In between shows, and she weighed 400 pounds. | ||
| It looks like she had air tanks. | ||
| She called Rascals the night before. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Joey, you don't remember me from the sixth grade? | ||
| Yeah, Marjorie. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Come on down. | ||
| That bitch showed up. | ||
| That bitch was 480. Oh, my God. | ||
| Tipping the scales at a nickel. | ||
| And you should have seen me backpedaling. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Because on the phone, I was like, yeah, I'm going to suck your fucking shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| You were saying that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, come down. | ||
| I can't wait to fuck you and all this shit. | ||
| She didn't tell you. | ||
| We should have fucked 10 years ago. | ||
| But she threw the... | ||
| When she showed... | ||
| And here's the funny thing. | ||
| The black door guy came to get me. | ||
| He's like, dog, there's a fine bitch waiting for you at the door. | ||
| But to a blank dude, Marjorie, 480, blonde with a fucking Cadillac, he went bananas. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Bananas! | ||
| And I went out and I was like, Rascals Down the Shore off Route 34. Yeah. | ||
| Down the block from that crazy strip club where they have no air conditioning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, what's the name of that place? | ||
| I forget this. | ||
| Oh, that shit's gone. | ||
| Rascals Down the Shore was the shit. | ||
| Rascals Down the Shore was the shit. | ||
| Those were totally different animals than the Rascals in West Orange. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Totally different human beings. | ||
| Rascals West Orange is like a lot of cool people, normal people that worked in the city and commuted and lived in Jersey. | ||
| It was a nice neighborhood. | ||
| Rascals down the shore were fucking savages. | ||
| They were barbarians. | ||
| They're a totally different crowd, right? | ||
| The shore are savages. | ||
| They are. | ||
| The Jersey Shore. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| We knew about that a long time ago, but now the whole world knows about that. | ||
| You ever do those Bob Gonzo gigs down on Jersey Shore? | ||
| Oh, please, yeah. | ||
| You ever do any of his gigs? | ||
| He does. | ||
| I had a bunch of them left, too. | ||
| He just contacted me on Facebook. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he? | |
| Say hello. | ||
| Yeah, he's booking a few rooms. | ||
| I was thinking about going to Jersey and doing it. | ||
| He does Asbury Park or something. | ||
| He's got like six rooms. | ||
| Those were great rooms. | ||
| Yeah, in the summer. | ||
| I did a bunch of his gigs. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| I did a TV show for him. | ||
| I did one where there's a guy named Uncle something or another. | ||
| Uncle Floyd. | ||
| You know who Uncle Floyd is? | ||
| Uncle Floyd's comedy something. | ||
| Uncle Floyd was this guy who had puppets and shit and he apparently had a TV show that was really popular in Jersey. | ||
| I did that show. | ||
| Yeah, and Uncle Floyd would do stand-up and I didn't know who the fuck he was. | ||
| And this Uncle Floyd goes up And fucking levels the place. | ||
| And I can't believe this. | ||
| I can't believe what I'm watching. | ||
| But to them, it's like nostalgia. | ||
| They're loving it. | ||
| They're going crazy. | ||
| And I'm like, wow, I had no idea this guy was popular. | ||
| So I had to follow Uncle Floyd. | ||
| And I was eating dick. | ||
| Eating dick on stage following Uncle Floyd. | ||
| Nobody wanted to hear me. | ||
| You know, like they had just heard this guy who was like really famous, you know, and I had no idea. | ||
| Where'd you shoot this at? | ||
| It wasn't a shot. | ||
| This wasn't a TV show. | ||
| This was just doing stand-up. | ||
| Right, in Jersey. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't shooting. | ||
| No, no, but it was right on 68th. | ||
| It was right over the bridge. | ||
| I don't even remember. | ||
| It was a place that was on the beach. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| It was a place that was actually on the beach. | ||
| It was like an outdoor little venue, and it probably sat like maybe a few hundred people, maybe two, three hundred. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| My memory's real shaky from this time, but I remember this guy went up, and I'd never heard of him, but they went nuts when he went on stage. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| And then they told me, this is a local New Jersey television show. | ||
| It was really popular. | ||
| I'm like, whoa. | ||
| But it was really clean, too. | ||
| So after that, that's the worst thing you want. | ||
| Someone killing when they're clean, and then you go on after them dirty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Especially if nobody knows you, you just feel like such a sack of shit. | |
| There's a really great topic that I started on your forums that just has been becoming popular again in the last two days, and I don't know if you've ever read it. | ||
| It's called The Story of Hayley Riley. | ||
| And I just retweeted it on my Twitter at Red Band. | ||
| But it's about this girl that I used to be really good friends with that I met on the internet. | ||
| And every time I would talk to her on the phone, she would send me pictures. | ||
| She was fucking gorgeous. | ||
| And one time in Arizona... | ||
| We were talking and she wanted to meet me, but she acted really weird and wouldn't come see me and stuff like that. | ||
| And she said she has a secret or something like that. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| It was kind of fucking weird. | ||
| So I stopped kind of talking to her after that because it was kind of creepy. | ||
| Anyways, I lately got an email from a guy and he goes, you know, he's asking me if I knew her and what I thought about her and stuff like that. | ||
| And there's this long email and there's this whole backstory of this thing on your forums. | ||
| So check it out. | ||
| Turns out, this girl was just a huge, crazy fat girl. | ||
| She just made up a fake personality, a fake name. | ||
| She stole somebody's identity, took all their photos from a MySpace or a Facebook, and she's been doing this for about 10 years. | ||
| This guy flew down, got a hotel, fucking spent all this money. | ||
| Then met the girl and she was completely different from what she is. | ||
| And now there's photos of what the real person looks like. | ||
| So this guy took this photo and took the whole story and made an article about it? | ||
| No, me and him just emailed back and forth. | ||
| He started sharing photos. | ||
| We started talking. | ||
| How did he know that you knew about her? | ||
| Because I think back in the day, somewhere in LiveJournal or something like that, I had my old website on there connected to her somehow, and he was just asking if I ever knew her, if I still talked to her. | ||
| How did you know that he wasn't some fat guy pretending to be some guy? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But he started sending me photos, and we figured it out and everything out, and I tried to confront Hayley, and she wouldn't respond. | ||
| Anyways, that was two years ago. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And now, there's a new victim. | ||
| The thread on the message board is called what? | ||
| It's called The Story of Haley Riley. | ||
| And it's on the front page of the message. | ||
| H-A-L-E-Y? H-A-I-L-E-Y. Last name is R-E-I. L-E-Y. And it's on my Twitter. | ||
| If you go to forum.joerogan.net, it's in the Shit Talking 101 forum. | ||
| Yeah, I post it on my Twitter to Red Band. | ||
| Wow, that's interesting. | ||
| Could you imagine being that person? | ||
| That's got to be a weird fantasy world. | ||
| Some new guy, though, is emailing me. | ||
| How is that different than playing The Sims? | ||
| How is that different than playing World of Warcraft? | ||
| And what's the point? | ||
| She's playing World of Warcraft. | ||
| What's the point? | ||
| She's pretending. | ||
| Look, you're not a fucking wizard, okay? | ||
| I know. | ||
| She's not a hot chick, but she's pretending, and she's having a good goddamn time. | ||
| She's running around just scamming dudes and getting them to fly in and visit her, and she's probably crazy. | ||
| So weird, though, because your forum members have been saying, oh, I got the same thing happened to me. | ||
| And there's like three different side stories now completely of the same topic. | ||
| That's kind of cool. | ||
| I think it's kind of interesting. | ||
| I mean, she's not hurting anybody. | ||
| She's not asking for money. | ||
| Except for the guy that's flying out and spending money on Broken Promises. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| If you play that fucking game, you should get busted anyway. | ||
| Did I ever tell you this is a Crazy story. | ||
| You're supposed to fly her out. | ||
| Yeah, you're supposed to fly her out. | ||
| He played thinking he's a fucking stiff anyway. | ||
| He made a bad move. | ||
| Rook takes pawn. | ||
| I totally forgot about a story that I've never told you. | ||
| And it's the only time I've ever fucked a fat chick. | ||
| Same thing happened to me. | ||
| The only time? | ||
| Yeah, only time. | ||
| You've only fucked one fat chick. | ||
| Like a real one. | ||
| You know, not like a little chunky. | ||
| I'm talking about a fat chick. | ||
| How many fat chicks you fucked? | ||
| I don't like fat chicks. | ||
| It was... | ||
| They make me fucking nervous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| I don't even like when they're around giggling and shit. | ||
| I'm even scared to hug them. | ||
| When AOL first came out, they used to have profiles, kind of like Facebook back in the days, and you would chat to people and stuff like that. | ||
| This girl had all these fake photos. | ||
| Actually, it wasn't fake. | ||
| It was when she lost a lot of weight or something like that, and then she gained back maybe 100 pounds or something. | ||
| And she wanted to get laid. | ||
| She lived near me. | ||
| We used to private chat all the time. | ||
| So I was like, one day I got really horny and I was like, fuck, you know what? | ||
| Let's meet and I'll pick you up, come back to my place, drink, and fuck. | ||
| And she's like, oh yeah, let's do it. | ||
| So anyways, I come to her sorority house. | ||
| I come there and I'm like... | ||
| I see this big group of girls, and I see this hot girl, and I'm like, oh, there she is. | ||
| And then that whole girl got blocked like an eclipse of this fat girl that came into my vision, like stepped in front of the girl, and it was her. | ||
| And she was like a blonde chick, probably about 180, maybe? | ||
| 200 maybe. | ||
| She was big. | ||
| How tall? | ||
| 5'4". | ||
| It was big, but her face was cute. | ||
| I remember driving back to my place and I'm like, this is bullshit. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| Do I just stop the car? | ||
| Why do I even let her in the car? | ||
| Anyways, I got drunk and I fucked her. | ||
| Then I took her right home and I... Deleted her. | ||
| I've never talked to her again. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| It was some of the best pussy ever, though. | ||
| It was so fucking juicy. | ||
| There's a chick at Weight Watchers now that's got about 5'9". | ||
| She's about 190. This bitch is banging. | ||
| And I feel like going up to her. | ||
| I feel like going up to her and going, what the fuck you want to lose weight for? | ||
| Look at that ass. | ||
| Look at that fucking monster of a monster that you have. | ||
| She's in there counting points. | ||
| It's a waste of fucking time. | ||
| This chick's pretty hot. | ||
| Some dudes love a thick girl. | ||
| Some dudes just love it. | ||
| They do not like fit girls. | ||
| It felt good. | ||
| You go to that fucking Russian weed store on Sunset Across from Rock and Roll Rouse and you look at that behemoth of a chick and you come out and tell me that you wouldn't fuck this chick to death. | ||
| How big is she? | ||
| She's hotter than hot. | ||
| And this bitch, everybody who goes in there walks out of there mummified because you can't believe you want to fuck a little milkshake. | ||
| And how fat? | ||
| 50 pounds overweight? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Big fat dick. | ||
| Russian, her name is Natasha. | ||
| And she's got big blue eyes. | ||
| There's something dirty about Russian bras. | ||
| Bro, but this chick just throws heat from the fucking... | ||
| What is it about Russian bras? | ||
| It's like a hardness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like extra dirty, but you don't want to go to sleep while you wake up with a fucking scar where your kidneys are. | ||
| There's something hot about that. | ||
| They need to be taught a lesson, you know? | ||
| I've waited online. | ||
| I've seen how the guys look at the guys with chicks, guys with the handsome guys, check her out. | ||
| Like, you know, man, I would fuck this shit. | ||
| Just tell she's dirty. | ||
| But you could tell she's hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's young, 22. 22 and big. | |
| Catch her now. | ||
| Catch her now before it all goes south. | ||
| But she looks like one of those girls that's just big bone, but she'll take you for the ride of her fucking life. | ||
| That ass is good when you're eating that ass from behind you. | ||
| And now, for a word from your sponsor... | ||
| 60 pounds overweight and you're eating her ass? | ||
| 50. Hey, bro, sometimes that ass is good. | ||
| They're eating cake and Carvel and Dairy Queen. | ||
| That ass is good. | ||
| It's yummy for your tummy. | ||
| I've never been a... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I never fucked a chick fat when I was drunk or nothing like that. | ||
| But I think I had, like, a girlfriend once. | ||
| I was low on the heavy side. | ||
| I'd give her a stab. | ||
| When you're doing that, it's going off the headphones. | ||
| The, um... | ||
| The famous girl I ever fucked was probably about 170. What do you do? | ||
| Do you guys weigh them before you bring them in? | ||
| Do you guys take them in rounds and weigh them? | ||
| Well, I was probably about 170 at the time. | ||
| That's how you know. | ||
| I looked at them like, bitch, what about what I weigh? | ||
| Because she's shorter than me, but thick. | ||
| It's unfortunate. | ||
| It's a very sad thing when you see a girl who could be so hot, but she's just got some weird food thing going on. | ||
| Maybe it's in her DNA to be thick. | ||
| This girl would go back and forth. | ||
| There's a difference between a thick chick and a fat chick. | ||
| There's a big difference. | ||
| But this girl would like to... | ||
| She would have these weird eating things. | ||
| She would go on these weird eating things. | ||
| Like Beyonce. | ||
| She's thick. | ||
| You could tell a white burger castle could fuck her world up. | ||
| Could get her a little... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but right now she's perfect. | |
| You know what it is? | ||
| She's got that one foot up in the air and she's balancing. | ||
| But as long as she's balancing... | ||
| God damn! | ||
| That's the perfect shape, like Beyonce body. | ||
| That's what dudes like. | ||
| I don't get that whole skinny obsession. | ||
| The girls in Hollywood with this fucking stick figure body. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that girls doing it for girls? | ||
| What is that really? | ||
| It's the fashion industry. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It's totally the fashion industry. | ||
| It's the magazine industry. | ||
| That they look better in those kind of clothes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they don't realize they don't. | ||
| They don't look better to us. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I'm just getting hot in this motherfucker. | ||
| Hot in here? | ||
| My whole air conditioning unit has crashed. | ||
| Look at the last time you grilled a skinny, skinny, skinny girl a good stab. | ||
| Was that pussy good or were you hitting uteruses and bones and shit? | ||
| Cartilage. | ||
| And a little pussy small. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ligaments. | |
| Tendons. | ||
| And they always got that big bone in front of the noodle. | ||
| Like that mountain because they're so skinny. | ||
| Sometimes you're eating a noodle and you bang like a fucking... | ||
| It's like somebody hits you in the fucking teeth because that fucking bone is right there. | ||
| I want a woman with some fucking meat down there, dog. | ||
| Tell me the truth. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| You should start a website showing your balls dropping as you're losing weight, showing what your balls look like. | ||
| People don't want to see that. | ||
| They do want to see that. | ||
| I was just discussing this with you because I know you have a certain interest in my balls. | ||
| That's why I have an investment on my balls. | ||
| I'm on the new homeless diet. | ||
| I'm trying to lose 35 pounds, and I'm not shaving until I do because I fucking hate facial hair so much, so it's making me want to fucking do it quick. | ||
| I've never met anybody like you who goes so far down, you lose all the weight, and then you're getting it right back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As soon as you start dating a chick. | ||
| Well, it's because we go out to eat so fucking much. | ||
| I haven't dated someone that likes to cook. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, it totally is. | ||
| It's a food thing. | ||
| I eat out every night. | ||
| Do you just get crazy and just gorge? | ||
| No, it's just normal. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, but I've lost 14 pounds in a week and a half. | ||
| But you like being skinny, right? | ||
| You get to be skinny, you like it, right? | ||
| Yeah, my metabolism's jacked, man. | ||
| Why don't you just start working out hard? | ||
| Just one hour. | ||
| Make one hour weightlifting. | ||
| When you weightlift, man, you burn off so many calories. | ||
| You don't have to lift heavy. | ||
| Just get 25-pound dumbbells and do a bunch of cleans. | ||
| Kettlebells are great. | ||
| Yeah, I want to get a kettlebell. | ||
| 25-pound kettlebell is all you need, dude. | ||
| I do this one crazy cardio workout. | ||
| It's a DVD that I do with just one 35-pound kettlebell. | ||
| It seems like, how's that even going to get you tired? | ||
| Dude, your heart is flying. | ||
| Your heart's like 186, 190 beats a minute. | ||
| It takes forever to recover. | ||
| It's fucking hard, man. | ||
| It's a brutal, brutal workout. | ||
| One little kettlebell. | ||
| Just moving your whole body. | ||
| Making your whole body work. | ||
| You do something like that, dude. | ||
| You can eat whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| You know what's crazy is that resveratrol or whatever I've been taking for the last three weeks, that shit has destroyed my appetite. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I get full so fast now, or I don't even feel hungry. | ||
| Were you sure that's resveratrol? | ||
| It seems like it. | ||
| You're going through a bunch of different changes in your personal life. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But that was one of the things my dad told me that I did for him. | ||
| So I'm like, oh. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, but now it's like I really have a hard time trying to eat right now. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Like, I would be halfway through a salad, and I'd be like, oh, shit. | ||
| Right after we're going, we're going with Joey Diaz. | ||
| Like a pussy makes you brave, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Where are we going? | ||
| That Italian deli. | ||
| The place of the sausage and pepper subs. | ||
| Oh, shit, son. | ||
| Like a pussy make you brave, dog. | ||
| It makes dieting easy. | ||
| You're hanging on to Bill Burr's comb like it's your... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew! | |
| Why are you touching that? | ||
| There's white things in it. | ||
| Bill Burr is so old school. | ||
| He carries a comb in his pocket. | ||
| Show it to the camera, Joey. | ||
| Bill Burr, show that comb to the camera. | ||
| Oh, you got it. | ||
| Bill Burr is so old school, he carries a comb in his pocket. | ||
| And when he was here, he left it. | ||
| So we're just going to leave it here out of respect until Bill Burr returns. | ||
| We're just going to leave it on his spot. | ||
| That's his seat. | ||
| I won't let anybody take it. | ||
| Hey, Joey, smell it and tell me what it smells like. | ||
| Fuck that shit. | ||
| Smells like redhead. | ||
| Smells like red little nubbies and shit. | ||
| Did you guys hear about that Foxcom shit? | ||
| That company that's... | ||
| We talked about it several times in the past. | ||
| This is the company that they make iPhones and their employees are killing themselves and shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, they put up suicide nets now. | ||
| So, thank God. | ||
| Can you imagine just being somebody that's like, hey, I'm going to get a job at Foxconn. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And then you're like touring the job during your job interview and you're like, what's that? | ||
| And they're like, oh, that's the suicide net. | ||
| Why would you be like, oh, fuck. | ||
| I don't think I want to work here. | ||
| Suicide nets are the shit. | ||
| You can just commit suicide, but you get a free pass. | ||
| You get a free shot. | ||
| Imagine you jump. | ||
| You're like, fuck it. | ||
| Shit, I should have done this. | ||
| Oh, net. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it might be fun. | ||
| What if everyone just starts trying to... | ||
| Diving. | ||
| Yeah, diving for fun. | ||
| If you're working in a place that sucks that bad that so many people are killing themselves, they have to have nets up, chances are jumping in those nets would be fun as shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyways, they're about to open another company, another location. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, for $300,000. | ||
| Well, you know, we talked about this before. | ||
| You can't get a fucking iPhone for $200 if you're paying the people to work for you. | ||
| You just can't. | ||
| You've got to get slave labor. | ||
| You've got to get people to work for fucking bowls of rice or 16-hour days. | ||
| And isn't the iPhone in most electronics made by precious metals? | ||
| Minerals, yeah. | ||
| Precious minerals. | ||
| Where people are shot daily for these, you know... | ||
| Well, all this shit that's going on in Afghanistan, a lot of what they're going to get out of the ground there is shit to make an iPhone. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's a fucking incredible fine. | ||
| A trillion dollars worth of minerals. | ||
| They're like, we just found it. | ||
| We didn't even know it was there. | ||
| Meanwhile, they said the Soviet Union discovered this shit 30 years ago. | ||
| They just couldn't figure out how to get it out and couldn't figure out how to fucking control the region. | ||
| What the fuck are we doing? | ||
| Joe Diaz, give us your wisdom. | ||
| What the fuck are we doing having wars in 2010? | ||
| Why do people still tolerate it? | ||
| Because the heroin's kicking over that Afghanistan. | ||
| It's got to have something to do with the heroin, right? | ||
| You've got to do what you've got to fucking do. | ||
| It hasn't stopped. | ||
| This war hasn't stopped, but it ain't going to stop. | ||
| People think that it's ridiculous to think that heroin has something to do with this war, but all you need to know, and these are real facts, is that over 90% of the world's heroin... | ||
| It's grown in Afghanistan. | ||
| Over 90%. | ||
| Where's the other 10%? | ||
| Where the fuck is that money going? | ||
| Is it going to warlords? | ||
| Because if it is, where's their private jets? | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Where's the warlord? | ||
| How come the warlord isn't living like the fucking Sultan of Brunei? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Why? | ||
| How come they don't have that money? | ||
| Maybe they do. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| It's not like Mexico. | ||
| It's not like Mexico. | ||
| Where is that heroin money going? | ||
| That shit's coming straight to America, son. | ||
| That shit's being flown in. | ||
| Barry Seals and the fucking New World Order. | ||
| They're all flying that shit in and propeller planes. | ||
| Barry Seals. | ||
| Look Barry Seals up. | ||
| Educate these motherfuckers. | ||
| Barry Seals was the guy who got killed. | ||
| He was bringing in drugs from South America. | ||
| Guy got murdered while he was going to testify and he had Bush's phone number in his pocket. | ||
| Barry Seal was the definitive case. | ||
| He was connected to every single big-time drug dealer, Pablo Escobar, all those guys. | ||
| Everybody in South America this guy was connected to. | ||
| And he got busted. | ||
| In Mena, Arkansas, they dropped a package off. | ||
| What they used to do is they would fly in. | ||
| He would fly in from South America on his little propeller plane, fly into Arkansas. | ||
| Drop the package off by parachute, get out of the plane, and then the guys would go at the drop spot and pick up the parachute. | ||
| They'd show up in a fucking pickup truck or whatever they used. | ||
| Well, some kids were fucking around in the woods, and these kids spotted the parachute drop. | ||
| And when they went to go pick up the package, they saw these kids there. | ||
| So they killed the kids, and they took the kids' bodies and they laid them on the tracks. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, and the autopsy came back, said that the kids were high and they fell asleep on the tracks. | ||
| So the parents said, that's ridiculous. | ||
| My children didn't do drugs. | ||
| I don't believe you. | ||
| So the parents paid for their own autopsies. | ||
| And their own autopsies concluded that the kids were murdered, that they were stabbed. | ||
| They found stab wounds on the body. | ||
| So the parents, like, started trying to figure out what the fuck went wrong. | ||
| And they started figuring out who landed planes and what happened and ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. | ||
| And then they bust this guy, Barry Seals. | ||
| And Barry Seals was a fucking employee of the CIA who had been flying drugs into this country for decades. | ||
| And he said that that's just what they do. | ||
| That's what they've always done. | ||
| There's money out there to be made and they know it and they make it. | ||
| And you're talking about the same people that are willing to start wars? | ||
| They're willing to do that whole Gulf of Tonkin thing where we went into the Vietnam War under false pretenses and false flag attacks just in order to make sure that we're involved in disputes with other countries. | ||
| And one of the things they do when we're involved with disputes with other countries is they jack their natural resources. | ||
| And one of their natural resources are drugs. | ||
| And you don't think that Afghanistan is a fucking gigantic money hole for those evil scumbags that are willing to do shit like that? | ||
| There's so much money there. | ||
| What the fuck do you do when there's 90% of the world's anything in one spot that's worth billions of dollars? | ||
| Billions. | ||
| Billions. | ||
| But it's a ridiculous thing. | ||
| If you say it, you're a nut. | ||
| If you start saying part of the reason why we're in Afghanistan is because someone's making money off drugs, that's definitely got to be something to do with it. | ||
| People think you're crazy. | ||
| It's not the whole reason we're there. | ||
| But if you don't think it plays a part, you don't think it has a say... | ||
| Who's making money during the war? | ||
| You gotta finance that fucking war. | ||
| What do you think finances this shit, you know? | ||
| Well, you know, the whole thing that happened during the Reagan administration with the Contras, you know, and when that Michael Rupert guy busted the CIA selling drugs in Los Angeles ghettos, you know, all that stuff, that's just standard operational procedure. | ||
| It just takes a while for it to pop out and get into the news sometimes, you know? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Did you see Ari Shafir on TMZ today? | ||
| Yeah, I saw it. | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| That was a fun time. | ||
| But him and Roddy Roddy Piper beat him up on stage. | ||
| Yeah, and people were thinking that he really was a racist. | ||
| Which is a big problem with that character he does. | ||
| People don't know that it's an act. | ||
| That he's just trying to get people's reactions and just be a nut and have people react to this. | ||
| Fake, racist character, so they get angry at him. | ||
| But he's not really racist. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, he kind of is, like everyone else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you fucking saying, boy? | |
| Ari's not a racist at all. | ||
| I think Ari's a very open-minded and objective person. | ||
| So it's kind of funny that Ari would be playing this character, the amazing racist. | ||
| It was a joke. | ||
| It was a joke for National Lampoon. | ||
| They should have moved on, but... | ||
| Do you think you should have moved on? | ||
| I think you should have moved on. | ||
| I've told him many times. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What have you told him, Brian? | ||
| I just think the character's done. | ||
| The whole idea of the character's done, and you don't want to really be known for that. | ||
| I would have kept doing videos as the character with new ideas. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Would you keep going? | ||
| I think at a certain point in time, how many stereotypes are you going to expect? | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| You already did the joke. | ||
| There's no reason to keep on doing the same joke over and over again. | ||
| I think you should do a Jewish one and be done. | ||
| Do you think it's just because he had too much success with it and he just got caught up in it and wanted to keep it going? | ||
| That's one of the most successful things that he's done. | ||
| That National Lampoon thing is pretty famous. | ||
| You don't see me still making Carlos Mencia videos. | ||
| That was probably the most successful video I've done. | ||
| Kitty Fartcup. | ||
| Yeah, Kitty Fartcup is absolutely the best video I've ever done. | ||
| That's actually what all the girls like too, the kitty fart stuff. | ||
| It's hilarious when the cat reacts to your fart. | ||
| You see the one where I did Lindsay Lohan? | ||
| Yes, I saw that too. | ||
| That was pretty ridiculous. | ||
| So now what happened with Lindsay Lohan? | ||
| Because I drink that kombucha shit and everybody's saying that Lindsay Lohan lied and she said that her bracelet went off because she was drinking that kombucha and that kombucha has a A level of alcohol. | ||
| There's something going on with that because it was pulled off the shelves off of Whole Foods, and there's some questioning about the alcohol content of them. | ||
| Yes, that it's less than one half of a percent. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You don't have to mark it, but if it's more than one half of a percent, you have to mark it, and they're saying it's more. | ||
| Right, so she was wearing one of the scam bracelets, and it went off, and supposedly that's what made it go off. | ||
| Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but... | ||
| You know, they say that you're not even supposed to have any kombucha if you're an alcoholic. | ||
| You're not supposed to drink that shit. | ||
| It even tastes like alcohol, you know? | ||
| It does. | ||
| You know, I was rolling. | ||
| I did jujitsu after I drank one, and this dude said, did you have a beer before you went to jujitsu? | ||
| I said, no. | ||
| Drinking kombucha. | ||
| It's all healthy and shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, I mean, maybe it has this little tiny bit of alcohol in it, but I've never gotten drunk off of it or even felt a buzz. | ||
| But I'll tell you one thing, man. | ||
| It's pumped my fucking immune system up through the roof. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't get sick anymore. | ||
| How many do you have a day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
One? | |
| At least two. | ||
| Yeah, I drink like two a day. | ||
| I drink them all the time. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| I think they're delicious. | ||
| Do you like the regular the best? | ||
| I like the regular. | ||
| It's my favorite. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not a big fan of that other one. | ||
| No. | ||
| The grape one, too strong. | ||
| Gingerade. | ||
| The gingerade I like. | ||
| It's kind of strong. | ||
| It's got a kick to it, but the regular one's fantastic. | ||
| But I'm telling you, man, all this travel I do, I was getting sick all the time. | ||
| It was like every couple months I was battling, and I'm still working out. | ||
| I'm still training. | ||
| I'm working out as hard as I've ever worked out, and I'm not getting sick. | ||
| It's crazy, and I think it has to do with the probiotics. | ||
| Staying really regular with your vitamins, that's very important, but it's also maintaining a healthy bacterial level in your body. | ||
| Acidophilus and probiotic drinks. | ||
| On the road, I take the acidophilus with me, and I just take that, and when I'm at home, I drink those fucking drinks, and I'm not getting sick. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| You're exposed to so many different varieties of germs and bullshit when you're on the road. | ||
| Plus, I'm way more careful now about washing my hands before I eat. | ||
| Smoking weed with fucking strangers that are creepy looking. | ||
| What about the germs that got into fucking Fedor this weekend? | ||
| Let's talk about Fedor. | ||
| Hey, this is the bottom line. | ||
| Fedor had never fought a guy who's got a guard like Verdum. | ||
| And who's he training with? | ||
| He's not training with anybody like Verdum. | ||
| Verdum is top of the food chain Abu Dhabi champion. | ||
| And he's a big man. | ||
| He's like 6'3", 6'4". | ||
| He's a big fucking dude, and he's good. | ||
| His guard is nasty. | ||
| He's got one of the best guards in the world. | ||
| You try getting sloppy with grounded power, you leave arms in there. | ||
| He's got to snatch those arms up quick, and he's got a tight game. | ||
| In the beginning of the round, Fedor wasn't slippery yet. | ||
| No one's sweaty. | ||
| They were just... | ||
| Barely broken a sweat, so he's got a nice grip on him, man. | ||
| And we're doomed, man. | ||
| You let him catch you in a technique battle, you battle his guard when you're on top and you leave an arm in there. | ||
| He's going to fuck you up, man. | ||
| Because as you go to defend, he set him up, man. | ||
| And it was really beautiful to watch what he did. | ||
| He attacked the arm, and as Fedor's defending the arm, he's got to pull the arm back. | ||
| So as he's defending the arm, pulling the arm back, that's when he slaps the triangle on. | ||
| It's like he just put him in a classic Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu chain of submissions. | ||
| He went one, you defend this, he goes to that, and as you defend the triangle, you expose the arm. | ||
| As you protect the arm, the triangle gets locked deeper. | ||
| Bang, bang, bang. | ||
| It was beautiful, man. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| Look, Fedor is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's really like a guy who could fight at 205 easy, and he's fighting at heavyweight, knocking guys out. | ||
| He's only 6 feet tall. | ||
| He's not a big guy. | ||
| Some people say he's actually only 5'11". | ||
| He's not a big guy, but he's incredibly talented and incredibly inspirational. | ||
| He's a dude that makes people excited. | ||
| They love the way he carries himself. | ||
| Even the way he handled the loss, man. | ||
| Do you hear what he said? | ||
| Afterwards, I said, how do you feel? | ||
| He says, I feel nothing. | ||
| He goes, because you can't stand it. | ||
| People who don't fall don't know what it's like to stand. | ||
| When was his last fight, like, main fight before that? | ||
| Was it like 70 years ago or something ridiculous? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| What are people saying about that? | ||
| No, he beat Brett Rogers less than... | ||
| Shit, it was only a few months ago. | ||
| Six months ago. | ||
| Yeah, probably less than six months. | ||
| Did he beat him good? | ||
| Yeah, he blasted him, knocked him out. | ||
| But right after he beat him, Alistar Overeem beat the fuck out of Brett Rogers. | ||
| Alistar Overeem... | ||
| Owned Brett Rogers. | ||
| The way he did it, man, was so precise. | ||
| On the feet, just high-level fucking Muay Thai. | ||
| Slip in the punch and the shin slams into the meat of the leg. | ||
| You could see right away, Brett Rogers was like, oh, fuck. | ||
| He could see right away. | ||
| He was in way, way, way, way, way over his head. | ||
| And then Alistar got Brett Rogers on the ground and fucking pummeled him. | ||
| It was a ridiculously one-sided fight. | ||
| What kind of party is Dana White having this weekend? | ||
| He's having a big party. | ||
| Do you know why he's having a fucking laugh your ass off? | ||
| I just saved $30 million party. | ||
| Because now Fedor, unfortunately, really does become irrelevant. | ||
| Because part of what made him exciting was the fact that he was this undefeated guy who seemed to be superhuman and destroys Tim Sylvia, destroys Andre Orlovsky. | ||
| There's an aura about him. | ||
| Some of the aura was eroded slightly by the Brett Rogers fight because Brett Rogers got him down, was ground and pounding him, was connecting with big shots. | ||
| And you looked at it and you're like, what if Brock got him in that spot? | ||
| Brock ain't Brett Rogers, bro. | ||
| Brock gets you in that spot, A, you're not getting up. | ||
| B, you're going to eat some giant cinder block fucking canned ham fists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't wait. | |
| This weekend's going to be crazy. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| So anyway, that eroded people's confidence in Fedor a little bit. | ||
| But what eroded my confidence in it is when I saw the way Alistar handled Brett Rogers. | ||
| I knew Alistar was going to fuck Brett Rogers up. | ||
| I knew it was going to fuck him up. | ||
| I didn't know he was going to do it like that. | ||
| The way he did it was perfect. | ||
| He shows how high level his striking is. | ||
| He beat Badr Hari, knocked Badr Hari out, who is one of the very best kickboxers in the world. | ||
| He's beaten a lot of dudes. | ||
| He fucked up Peter Ertz. | ||
| He knocks dudes out, man. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker in kickboxing with the best in the world. | ||
| He's hanging with those guys. | ||
| So when he got in there against an MMA fighter who's just a brawler, he just opened up a can on him. | ||
| And Fedor's not a technical striker. | ||
| He's very explosive and very fast, and he's good and tough, and his technique is good, but he's not like a guy who could just step into K1 the way Alistar does. | ||
| And Al Starr has a nasty ground game as well, so the transition between the two of them is very smooth. | ||
| And when he took Brett Rodgers down, he just controlled him on the ground and beat the fuck out of him. | ||
| He really, like, made a mockery over Fedor's win. | ||
| I mean, it wasn't, you know, just, I mean, obviously it wasn't the same night, it's not the same circumstances, but the way he beat him, I was like, man. | ||
| Alistar, to me, is more exciting right now than Fedor. | ||
| Alistar is one of the scariest guys in the division. | ||
| K-1 level, high-level striking, and nasty Brazilian jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Won the European Abu Dhabi trials, submitted Vitor Belfort. | ||
| He's got a fucking sick guillotine, man. | ||
| What do you think Fedor would have to do to earn back your, like, wow, that guy's on top of his game? | ||
| Like, who would he have to fight? | ||
| Would he have to go to the UFC now? | ||
| Yeah, he'd have to go to the UFC. Or fight Alistar and then go to the UFC. And fight Verdum again, too. | ||
| I mean, I'm excited to see him fight anybody. | ||
| It's not that I'm not a Fedor fan. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| But I think... | ||
| You've got to fight the best guys in the world. | ||
| You've got to be in the heat with the best guys in the world. | ||
| And there's really no shortcuts for that. | ||
| There's no shortcuts for training with a guy like Farisio Verdum. | ||
| There's no shortcuts to learning how to get out of a guard like that. | ||
| You've got to experience it. | ||
| And it's pretty obvious watching that fight that he probably hadn't experienced that kind of shit before. | ||
| I mean, he's made some critical errors. | ||
| There's a beautiful video where Henner Gracie and his brother break down what Fedor did wrong and what Verdum did right in explaining the triangle. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| And it's like, you know, people are looking at it and they're like, this is like simple jujitsu. | ||
| Like, he made mistakes. | ||
| And part of it, he makes mistakes because he's got a very unorthodox style. | ||
| He throws big haymakers inside the guard. | ||
| He's been really successful with that. | ||
| But with a guy like Verdum, you can't do that. | ||
| He's just, he's there to catch those little tiny, tiny openings, you know? | ||
| He put a beating on it, man. | ||
| You know what was really exciting about that night, man? | ||
| Kung Lee is bringing Taekwondo back! | ||
| Back! | ||
| 38 years old. | ||
| Kung Lee has that fucking step-in-turning sidekick. | ||
| He stands in a southpaw stance with his right leg forward, and he throws a left, like steps forward throwing a left, and dude's back out of the way just of the punch. | ||
| But a turning sidekick comes behind it. | ||
| So it's a 360-degree turning sidekick. | ||
| He stands with his right leg forward, throws the left hand, and as he throws the left hand, he steps forward with the left foot and then spins. | ||
| So there's so much momentum, man. | ||
| He's like running at you with that kick and blasts you. | ||
| He's doing shit with kicks, man, that other people aren't doing, and that's one of them. | ||
| The way he throws that 360 turning sidekick, I don't see anybody else doing that. | ||
| A few guys do a turning sidekick, but I don't see anybody else doing that 360 like he does it. | ||
| And his kicks are fucking deadly, man. | ||
| He throws a lot of high kicks, too, you know? | ||
| What do you think for this weekend so far? | ||
| There's a lot of fights I'm excited about on this card. | ||
| How about Chris Lytle versus Matt the Immortal Brown? | ||
| Oh shit! | ||
| The fireman! | ||
| That motherfucker, that fight has fight of the night written all over it. | ||
| Both guys are savages. | ||
| Brown is a fucking savage and Chris Lytle don't back down to shit. | ||
| Chris Lytle, I've never even seen that guy get rocked. | ||
| I've seen him get busted open and bloody and smashed in the face and hit with haymakers, but he always just bounces right back. | ||
| That dude's chin is made of cement. | ||
| He's a fucking monster. | ||
| And him and Matt Brown, Matt Brown is a warrior, dude. | ||
| That guy's strong. | ||
| His mind is strong, too. | ||
| He presses. | ||
| He stays on dudes and breaks dudes. | ||
| So him and Lytle is just a guaranteed fucking, guaranteed tons of fun. | ||
| By the way, mad props to the UFC's new website. | ||
| That's fucking amazing. | ||
| You like that? | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| You don't think it's too much Flash? | ||
| Well, I mean, it's one of those fun websites. | ||
| I kind of miss the old one. | ||
| I like the... | ||
| You mean there's not a choice to do just the basic blog or something like that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's pretty dope, though, when you do see the different fighters and their focus on each frame, the matchup. | ||
| It's their big close-up pictures and shit. | ||
| And that is Flash, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's unfortunate that it's Flash, but it's pretty sweet. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| They could have done the same thing with HTML5? I'm sure there probably is a way to do that. | ||
| And that way you could get it on your iPad. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And on your iPhone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because right now you can't. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| See, that's more just like fun stuff. | ||
| That's not like informative. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But still, you want that. | ||
| That's kind of like DVD extras. | ||
| Wouldn't you want to be able to get that on your phone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| It's just not... | ||
| It's cool to look at pictures and stuff, I guess. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that porn is what's pushing the transition to HTML5? Did you hear about that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When porn backs something, it's usually pretty legit, you know? | ||
| Isn't that nuts? | ||
| How the fuck is anybody still making money off porn? | ||
| We've talked about this, yeah. | ||
| Tyler Knight, you know Tyler Knight? | ||
| That dude, he's making a transition to becoming an author. | ||
| He's a really good writer. | ||
| He wrote some really fucked up shit. | ||
| I don't know what his blog is, but just look up Tyler Knight blog. | ||
| You'll find it online. | ||
| And Tyler's a really good writer, but he's got some... | ||
| Ridiculous stories about porno sets and scenes, and he's got a story about failing at a bukkake event where literally hundreds of dudes are fucking this chick, and he's in line with all these dudes, and he's trying to keep his dick hard, and he gets up and he totally fails. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Stepping at other dudes' loads. | ||
| There's loads everywhere. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It's so dark, but it's so well written, too. | ||
| It's just really awesome stuff. | ||
| And all true. | ||
| I would have those pool shoes. | ||
| Those slippers that you put on your shoes. | ||
| How about cleats? | ||
| Cleats would be better. | ||
| Some softball cleats. | ||
| Just dig your way through the fucking sticky loads. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| But this guy was in the porn business forever, man. | ||
| And has some great, great stories about the porn business. | ||
| And now he's just writing. | ||
| Shit, just stories about the porn business can keep me fascinated for years. | ||
| That's a crazy business, dude. | ||
| And he's a regular, really cool, nice guy. | ||
| Do you ever see the Cosby's episode? | ||
| Or the Cosby's porno? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| With Thomas Ward? | ||
| Yeah, Thomas Ward. | ||
| I hung out with that dude two weeks ago. | ||
| Thomas? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where was he at? | ||
| At the comedy store with one of his porn star friends. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And she was like... | ||
| I need your contacts. | ||
| And she's all in my face. | ||
| I'm like, oh, you smell like crack and Doritos. | ||
| Crack and Doritos and VD. Thomas Ward was a really funny guy, man. | ||
| Thomas Ward was another guy that I always was like, how come Thomas Ward didn't hit? | ||
| How come he didn't make it? | ||
| He's loving it now, man. | ||
| Looks like he's living large now. | ||
| He's doing porn? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's winning awards and stuff. | ||
| I don't think he actually does the porn part, though. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He just does acting in porn. | ||
| Yeah, but he's winning awards. | ||
| Winning porn awards? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do those count? | ||
| They do count. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey? | |
| Joey, we lost him. | ||
| It's two hours in. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| My blood sugar's down. | ||
| I'm thinking about that sausage sub. | ||
| The air conditioning is what's going on. | ||
| My air conditioning is broke in my office. | ||
| It's being replaced on Tuesday. | ||
| So, what's today? | ||
| Wednesday? | ||
| Tuesday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tomorrow? | |
| I gotta wait a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gotta wait a week. | |
| Yeah, they gotta order all the parts and all that shit. | ||
| So there's no air in the whole house? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The house has air, just not my office. | ||
| You don't like air, and you open the back window. | ||
| Yeah, well, it gets hot as fuck in the valley. | ||
| That's one of the things I miss about Colorado. | ||
| Never really got that hot. | ||
| My house in Colorado, no need for air conditioning ever. | ||
| That's how you just open up a window. | ||
| Beautiful, clean, mountain air. | ||
| Have some fucking tap water. | ||
| Your tap water is a well. | ||
| How about that, son? | ||
| You're drinking water out of a fucking stream that's in the earth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I just so want to move back to Colorado. | ||
| But Mrs. Rogan's so not down for getting another dog eaten by a monster in the woods. | ||
| That's what chloroform's for. | ||
| Chloroform? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| That's what chloroform's for? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Wake up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where are we? | |
| You're in California. | ||
| Dude, you can't live with someone and kidnap them and move them to another state, especially with babies and shit. | ||
| It's a lot of work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Diaz, where are you at this weekend? | |
| What are you doing this weekend? | ||
| I got a couple shows Friday. | ||
| Tell people where they can see you. | ||
| Sal's Comedy Motherfucking Hole. | ||
| Yeah, Sal's Comedy Hole is a new place that I want to check out. | ||
| Late Improv, Friday night. | ||
| I seen those guys last night. | ||
| It's a new place on La Brea. | ||
| Tell me about this place on La Brea, Sal's Comedy Hole. | ||
| I've only been there twice, so I don't know. | ||
| Tell me about it. | ||
| You've been there twice, though. | ||
| Twice. | ||
| It's very avant-garde. | ||
| It's on La Brea and Melrose. | ||
| La Brea and Melrose. | ||
| I guess that's where it is. | ||
| What are you asking me for? | ||
| Because I want to know about it. | ||
| I've never been there before. | ||
| It's a new place in L.A. You should have asked at 3 o'clock. | ||
| Now I'm fucking tired. | ||
| Let's go get a sausage and pepper sandwich. | ||
| Oh, Joey died. | ||
| He faded, honestly. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| Can you imagine if your job, if you could fall asleep after two hours? | ||
| So it's a good spot, though. | ||
| Sal's Comedy Hole on Friday night? | ||
| Yeah, and I'm going to the improv late night. | ||
| I have no fucking idea. | ||
| He's going to call me. | ||
| Okay, so call Sal's Comedy Hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't even give a fuck. | ||
| Don't call South Comedy Hole. | ||
| Don't bother me. | ||
| I'm going to the improv afterwards. | ||
| What do people want to see you? | ||
| If someone's in L.A. and they're looking for some comedy, you're on the late night show at the improv? | ||
| Which show? | ||
| The 10 o'clock or the 11 o'clock? | ||
| Puerto Ricans. | ||
| 10 o'clock, right? | ||
| Friday 10. That's the refried beans? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So what time's your spot? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| So you're on that show. | ||
| So if you want to see some good comedy, go to the improv. | ||
| 10 o'clock show. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Friday night, Joe Diaz will be there. | ||
| And Brian and I will be at the Vegas House of Blues on Friday night, me and Sam Tripoli. | ||
| And then on Saturday, we're going to go to the UFC. Saturday is Brock Lesnar. | ||
| Don't forget for a word from your sponsor and all that stuff. | ||
| I can't wait for steak. | ||
| What do you think is going to happen with Shane Carr winning Brock Lesnar? | ||
| I've been thinking about it. | ||
| I think Brock Lesnar is going to win this game. | ||
| Brock smashed, first round, done. | ||
| Really? | ||
| First round, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Take him down, pound on him? | ||
| Pound him to death, and it's going to be stopped. | ||
| Do you think that Shane Carlin won't be able to stop Brock from taking him down? | ||
| Yeah, I think Brock's just a monster, and you can't stop when that fist is coming at you, and it's just going to keep on coming, and I think he's just going to get smashed. | ||
| Brained. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, you know, what about the fact that Shane Carwin is literally, I mean, physically, at least on paper, the same size? | ||
| You know, he weighs the same amount, and he's knocked out every single person. | ||
| It's a different dance, bro. | ||
| It's a fucking different dance. | ||
| This is a big dance. | ||
| This is a big fucking dance. | ||
| Brock has been there before. | ||
| This is a big fucking dance. | ||
| Brock is so competitive, and he really feels, I bet, he needs to come back. | ||
| Yeah, he needs to come back. | ||
| And I think he's just got a lot of time to think about shit and a lot of training to do, and he's going to probably be more ready now than he's ever been in his life, I think. | ||
| Well, you know, he's not even cutting weight. | ||
| He's walking around at, like, 265. He's lost weight. | ||
| But fat. | ||
| He's, like, ripped. | ||
| He's, like, in really good shape. | ||
| Like, his mass is thick. | ||
| It's because now he's on this really vegetable diet and, you know, high in fiber and, you know... | ||
| Broccoli and shit like that to go along with the meat. | ||
| So he's got this diet that's like a cleaner diet and he watches his food. | ||
| The Countdown show was pretty interesting when they were talking about him coming back and they started out nice and slow. | ||
| He worked out they made sure his heart rate didn't go over certain beats per minute and then they slowly built him back and they could see the beast return. | ||
| And then before you know it, he's fucking 280 pounds again. | ||
| Throwing people around. | ||
| That'd be funny if his tattoo grew. | ||
| Like E.T.'s flower got dead. | ||
| But never mind. | ||
| What if someone actually tattooed a dick on their chest? | ||
| Just like it? | ||
| No, like a dick. | ||
| Like, no question at all. | ||
| Like a dick. | ||
| Would they let them fight in the UFC? What if you got a guy like Hector Lombard, who's like the Bellator champion, very highly touted middleweight, one of the best in the world. | ||
| But what if a guy like that level decided to come, like Gomi? | ||
| What if Gomi came over to the UFC and he tattooed a dick on his chest? | ||
| Well, they'd probably make him cover it up with it. | ||
| How do you make a guy cover it up? | ||
| They have makeup. | ||
| They can't put makeup on. | ||
| He's going to fight, man. | ||
| It's in a movie. | ||
| They would take marker, maybe? | ||
| Like permanent marker. | ||
| Permanent marker. | ||
| Make it look like a person's face instead. | ||
| Well, someone did that from the wolf's lair. | ||
| What the fuck is his name? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| You know what would be awesome if a fighter came out? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| The English guy. | ||
| Paul Kelly. | ||
| Paul Telly's Kelly. | ||
| He left the wolf's lair, so he had a marker and he put a big X across the wolf's lair on his back because he had tattooed the wolf's lair on his back. | ||
| You know what would be awesome what a fighter should do? | ||
| What? | ||
| They should draw all over their face and make it look like they passed out at a party. | ||
| You know, like have dicks and cocks. | ||
| You can't do chemicals in your skin. | ||
| You can get someone's eye with sweat. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't put anything on. | ||
| That's why after the GSP-BJ Penn fight, the corners aren't even allowed to put Vaseline on. | ||
| The cut men have to do it, and they control it. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| What if someone did, though? | ||
| What if someone did? | ||
| Do you think that would be... | ||
| You can't fight? | ||
| Main event fight. | ||
| Main event fight. | ||
| Big event. | ||
| Like a Lesnar-Carwin type thing. | ||
| Like GSP. Right. | ||
| Like GSP's gonna have this fucking big, crazy fight coming up with Josh Koscheck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And as he steps into the octagon, he realizes GSP's got a big dick tattooed on his chest. | ||
| A real dick. | ||
| Vein. | ||
| A black one. | ||
| A black dick. | ||
| He just got crazy and decided to give something to, you know, my idea is to distract people. | ||
| They concentrate on their black dick. | ||
| You know, what would they do? | ||
| It's probably somewhere in the contract you're not allowed to do that. | ||
| Yeah, probably, right. | ||
| No black dicks in your chest. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, there's probably something like that. | ||
| I could find that out. | ||
| Why guess? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, no doubt. | ||
| I don't even want to ask them, though, because then Dana White will be like, why the fuck are you asking me this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Are you high? | ||
| We're going to start testing. | ||
| Alright, ladies and gentlemen, that's about two hours. | ||
| So Joey Diaz is starving for a sausage and pepper sandwich. | ||
| Old school. | ||
| Like they used to give you in North Bergen. | ||
| North Bergen, you go down and you get a fucking sausage and pepper. | ||
| You can't even get that shit. | ||
| These fucking half a fags, they can't make a goddamn sandwich. | ||
| I want a fucking sausage and pepper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Real peppers and fucking marinara sauce. | |
| Hey Joe, what's this fleshlight thing, Joey Diaz? | ||
| Oh, the fleshlight? | ||
| No, no, Joey Diaz. | ||
| Yeah, Doug, you got to do a word for the fucking sponsor. | ||
| I've been telling you that. | ||
| We're a half hour over two. | ||
| Do we have Joey Diaz character? | ||
| This, motherfucker. | ||
| Stop fucking your hand. | ||
| No, this ain't even funny. | ||
| This is the fleshlight. | ||
| A word for our sponsor. | ||
| We got to keep the lights on, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| The way we do it is rubber assholes. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| That's what pays. | ||
| Keep the lights on. | ||
| It's soft. | ||
| It's wonderful. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| If you leave it out in the sun, it gets warm. | ||
| You can also put it in a tub full of hot water. | ||
| That's a good move, too. | ||
| Fill the tub out with hot water. | ||
| Bathtub with that? | ||
| And then you squirt some lube. | ||
| Put some lube in there. | ||
| And then you stick your erect penis in there. | ||
| And you go like this. | ||
| I haven't even thought about doing it in the shower. | ||
| The only problem with the Fleshlight is as much of a loser as you feel like when you jerk off, you feel like five times more of a loser when you nut into a rubber pussy. | ||
| You just feel like a fucking idiot. | ||
| But it's an outstanding product. | ||
| It's not like I'm going to stop using it. | ||
| But you do feel completely ridiculous. | ||
| Like if somebody caught you beating off, that'd be one thing. | ||
| But if, you know, your girl walks in and you're like, uh, what? | ||
| You're nutting into a rubber pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're... | |
| I mean, it's one of the most ridiculous things you could ever get busted doing. | ||
| Fucking a rubber pussy. | ||
| A real doll would probably be way worse, though. | ||
| Yeah, that would be totally worse. | ||
| Way worse. | ||
| Because at least this way, you're like, I know it's not a person. | ||
| I'm just watching porn. | ||
| I'm beating off. | ||
| A real doll is really kind of fucking useless when you think about it. | ||
| How dumb do you have to be to really think that you're having sex with a bitch? | ||
| I would want one just to drive around with in the car and do practical jokes and stuff like that. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| But I think cops look now. | ||
| Because I think people have done shit like that before. | ||
| I know people have been busted with masks and stuff. | ||
| But if you put a fucking seatbelt on that and sunglasses, there's no way that cop's going to know that's fake, you know? | ||
| If you have tinted windows, for sure, right? | ||
| Then there's no way he's going to know. | ||
| Put a helmet on him and bandages and shit like he's the mummy, like something fucking bad happened to him. | ||
| Or a schoolgirl outfit. | ||
| No! | ||
| Then the cop's going to investigate. | ||
| You're the worst criminal of all time. | ||
| Alright, this weekend, Joe Diaz is at Sal's Comedy Hole on Friday night and the 10pm show at the Improv. | ||
| Don't miss him. | ||
| It's epic stand-up comedy. | ||
| It's real stand-up comedy. | ||
| Old school. | ||
| Joey, we gotta make a fucking CD with you this year. | ||
| Okay, can we do that? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Can we make a CD? Talking Monkey Productions? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Should we do a DVD or a CD? We should do a goddamn DVD. All right, we're going to do that. | ||
| It pains me to no end that Joe Diaz does not have a DVD and a CD out. | ||
| And the name of it is going to be, even though you got a restraining order, I'm still going to fucking kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| That's the name of my album right there. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| We will go with that. | ||
| Or what else he decides tomorrow. | ||
| Even though you don't have a restraining order, I'm still going to fucking kill you. | ||
| Let's plan this out right now so that people know where we're going to do this. | ||
| Where should we do this? | ||
| We're going to do this somewhere far. | ||
| You know what we should do? | ||
| Here's what we should do. | ||
| When I'm doing a weekend somewhere, like a Dallas weekend or Austin or something like that, where I'm doing Friday and Saturday and Sunday, how about we fly in Thursday, okay? | ||
| We play in Thursday. | ||
| Put it up on Twitter and the internet and I host it and I bring you up. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I bring you up. | ||
| Fire it up already. | ||
| We record a DVD. Okay? | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| So let's plan on doing that next time. | ||
| And part of the tub video is going to be on there that we shoot. | ||
| With the tank next week in Burbank. | ||
| That'll be on. | ||
| That's what we'll do. | ||
| I'll host it and we'll bring you up and we'll have, you know, you'll do like, do 45 minutes. | ||
| 45 minutes. | ||
| Banging out. | ||
| And we'll have, you know, it'll be fucking perfect. | ||
| We'll get it. | ||
| We need to do that. | ||
| We've been needing to do that for a long time. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| So if you need to see Joey, eventually you're going to get to see him on DVD. But for now, go to see him if you're in LA, Sal's Comedy Hall, Friday night and the improv 10 p.m. | ||
| show. | ||
| If you want to see me, House of Blues. | ||
| Friday night. | ||
| Friday night in Vegas. | ||
| Stay black. | ||
| It's going to be the shit. | ||
| It's going to be the shit. | ||
| The House of Blues. | ||
| And the House of Blues, by the way, if you've ever seen me there before and it was chaos, we completely revamped the whole situation. | ||
| There's no more standing. | ||
| After we went to see Doug Stanhope, Brian and I went to see Doug Stanhope, and Ari went too, and it was so tiring just standing up. | ||
| Oh, it was awful. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| I did not know it was that hard to watch a show. | ||
| I figured it was just like, if I'm standing on stage for an hour and a half, I think it's no big deal to stand and watch, but it's a big deal. | ||
| It's annoying as fuck. | ||
| Especially because when I'm on stage, I can walk around and move, and it doesn't feel so... | ||
| It made me hate the comedy. | ||
| When you're standing, you have to stand in one spot, too. | ||
| And I kept moving my arms and stretching, my back started hurting. | ||
| Not fun. | ||
| So I decided after that time, no more standing room shows. | ||
| We made one mistake. | ||
| We did Memphis, that one fucking show in Memphis, which was a disaster, right? | ||
| Half the show was standing, and it was all a bar, and everybody was talking at the top of their voice. | ||
| And there was no other venue available in Memphis when we were there, so we took it, but... | ||
| When we do the House of Blues now, everybody's seated. | ||
| So they had to cut out a few hundred seats because they used to let a few hundred people stand over by the bar area. | ||
| But it became a disaster. | ||
| Everybody would talk and they would yell shit out and they would annoy the fuck out of the people that were sitting. | ||
| So now it's sweet. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| Everyone's seated. | ||
| So that is 8 o'clock on Friday. | ||
| And then after that, if you're around, Steel Panther is at midnight. | ||
| We're going to go see that too. | ||
| Steel Panther, the fucking rock show. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| Yeah, I can't wait. | ||
| Yeah, it was going to be fun, man. | ||
| The guy is the greatest Ozzy Osbourne impression in the history of the universe. | ||
| All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning into the podcast. | ||
| We appreciate it, and we'll be back next week. | ||
| And that's it. |
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