May 18, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:22:14
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| And action, ladies and gentlemen, in response to your complaints about the horrible audio quality, we figured it all out, folks. | ||
| We have, first of all, we have these mics that you have to hold. | ||
| We're going to hold them this week. | ||
| Next week, we're going to have these little clip-on things. | ||
| But we have a mixer now, and we're listening to headphones, and we understand your complaints. | ||
| See, the problem was these things, these microphones were in stands, and they were over here. | ||
| And it makes a huge fucking difference how it sounds here and here. | ||
| It's not me, buddy. | ||
| It's you, fella. | ||
| Someone always has the laptop on, the volume on. | ||
| But we're live. | ||
| And... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| We're live. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| It's not me, fella. | ||
| It's you. | ||
| Oh, it's my other computer, too. | ||
| We had two computers that were on. | ||
| Hold on one second. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So how's it sounding, guys, that are in there? | ||
| It should be nice and loud, I would imagine. | ||
| Much, much better. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're back. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Sorry for everything being retarded. | ||
| I'm drinking coffee that came out of an animal's ass. | ||
| Oh, that's one of those ones where they filter it through, like, something. | ||
| It's called Kopi Luwak. | ||
| That's the name of the coffee. | ||
| And there's an animal called a palm civet. | ||
| And this animal eats these coffee beans, eats the bean itself, you know, like it looks like a little fruit. | ||
| Shits it out. | ||
| And then they take them and clean them, I guess. | ||
| Hopefully they clean them. | ||
| And then they make coffee out of it. | ||
| And it's smoother coffee. | ||
| It's like a different, it's sort of a different flavor to it because it went through this animal's digestive tract. | ||
| Now, if the animal ate a lot of berries and stuff, does it have like hints of other different things in it? | ||
| It just tastes like coffee. | ||
| I mean, it's really kind of gross when you think about it. | ||
| But I was curious. | ||
| I had it once before. | ||
| Remember Tate and I, we were in Florida and they had it at a restaurant and I'd heard about it, so we tried it out. | ||
| Apparently, whatever the stomach acids or whatever it is inside the civet's body changes the actual chemical structure of the coffee. | ||
| And it just makes it much smoother. | ||
| And it's okay. | ||
| You know, I mean, it's not really... | ||
| Fuck yeah, it's super expensive. | ||
| It's way more expensive than regular coffee. | ||
| Way more. | ||
| I remember the restaurant was like $90 a cup. | ||
| Something stupid like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Animal butt. | ||
| How's it sounding for everyone? | ||
| What's the people saying? | ||
| I think it's sounded good. | ||
| I think we're golden with this thing. | ||
| This shit is so much louder. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| Seems louder. | ||
| Yeah, it's way, way, way, way better. | ||
| So anyway. | ||
| Sponsored by Fleshlight, by the way. | ||
| I haven't talked that. | ||
| Sponsored by a rubber vagina. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you ever fuck the asshole one? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't think that's necessary. | ||
| Well, it's just tighter. | ||
| It might feel good. | ||
| It doesn't have to be, you know. | ||
| Fleshlight's tight enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's good. | ||
| I don't think you need the butthole one. | ||
| Unless you're just a freak and your wife won't let you have the butthole. | ||
| You can have a rubber butthole. | ||
| You know, she should be happy. | ||
| You get your butthole fantasies out of the way. | ||
| Did you know about the bottom that it unscrews and it's like a suction? | ||
| Because I didn't know the first time I fucked it. | ||
| It was like this really suction, like crazy blowjob. | ||
| And it was like too much, too intense. | ||
| He couldn't take it because Brian's got a giant hog. | ||
| It was hitting the back. | ||
| Brian's got a fucking oatmeal Quaker Oats box. | ||
| That's his dick. | ||
| And so then I unscrewed it and I guess that adds like air to it and makes it a lot better. | ||
| So you get to fuck a slut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's either a tight girl or a slut or a big giant slut. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And by the way, it was awesome. | ||
| I fucking love it. | ||
| What's crazy though is that at first I started out putting a bunch of juice in it and then it was just whatever that oil is. | ||
| The lube. | ||
| I'm like, what are you fucking oranges and shit? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I wasn't that impressed. | ||
| I was just like, all right, this is just too much. | ||
| So then you took the lube down. | ||
| Took it down a notch and now it's fucking fantastic. | ||
| Perfect, huh? | ||
| So you have a formula to use. | ||
| How many squirts of lube? | ||
| Just a teeny bit around the lips of it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| Yeah, it's that they're water. | ||
| Get the party started. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do you ever spit on it if you're feeling dirty? | ||
| Fucking whore and then stick it right back on there. | ||
| No, but you know, I tried warming it up in the microwave. | ||
| Oh, you're not supposed to do that? | ||
| No, no, no, the juice. | ||
| Oh, the liquid stuff. | ||
| I put it in a cup. | ||
| It's like, you're going to melt it and stick your dick in there. | ||
| It's going to fucking fuse to your dick, then hot molten plastic. | ||
| You'd be screaming third-degree burns all over your dick. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| Somebody must have. | ||
| Somebody must have nuked something, got it too hot, fucked it, and ruined their dick. | ||
| That's happened. | ||
| Totally, totally. | ||
| If you thought about it, it's happened. | ||
| It's like I was saying, I put this picture up on my Twitter the other day. | ||
| Somebody sent me this Twitter. | ||
| Hey, Joe, have you ever seen a triangle like this before? | ||
| So I click on it, thinking that it's probably a guy caught somebody in a triangle. | ||
| Well, sorta. | ||
| What it is, is this site called ghetto gaggers.com. | ||
| Do you know that site? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's a site that is dedicated to... | ||
| And so I tuned into this picture. | ||
| I clicked this link this guy sends me. | ||
| And it's this white nerdy dude with these pale, skinny white legs with black socks and black sneakers on. | ||
| And he's got a no-arm triangle like this around this chick's head. | ||
| This chick's head is like right here. | ||
| And she's, you know, he's shoving his dick in her mouth with his triangle. | ||
| And she's like literally throwing up all over his balls and his asshole. | ||
| And I'm like, it said so much to me, though, that what kind of a strange world do we live in where it's so normal to just click a link and it takes you to a guy stuffing his dick into some chick's mouth and she's throwing up all over his balls and asshole. | ||
| And all I do is giggle. | ||
| All I do is go, haha, you got me, you fuck. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I mean, if this was just 10 or 20 years ago, that picture would fucking freak you out. | ||
| There was no pictures like that. | ||
| When I was in high school, the most you got is like Hustler, where they spread their pussy lips apart. | ||
| You're like, wow, this bitch is crazy dirty. | ||
| Like, they weren't even allowed to show penetration. | ||
| They would show like a guy, they would have like a sex scene, and the guy would be like grabbing his dick to try to keep it hard and looking at her. | ||
| And it would look totally fake and posed, and it didn't look like real sex at all. | ||
| They, you know, it was hard to find pictures of fucked up things. | ||
| But now. | ||
| What's the link? | ||
| What's the website? | ||
| Ghetto Gaggers. | ||
| Ghetto Gaggers. | ||
| If you just go to twitter.com slash Joe Rogan and look at my past tweets, you'll find that a few days ago. | ||
| I forget how many days ago it was. | ||
| But this motherfucker got me with this picture. | ||
| It's just so crazy that it's so easy to find images like that. | ||
| There's so many out there. | ||
| Kids today, dude, they're growing up in a totally different fucking world. | ||
| A world where you can click a link. | ||
| I mean, how many kids subscribed to my Twitter? | ||
| How many kids clicked that link and went to that guy stuffing his dick in that ghetto girl's mouth and she's throwing up all these shit? | ||
| Half of it's not fair. | ||
| And I wonder if it's like, because I mean, I got off with like Sears catalog looking at underwear ads and stuff like that. | ||
| And now you can just see the inside of a girl's asshole, you know, anytime you want to get it. | ||
| Yeah, I used to be able to beat off to like a workout like VHS cover, you know, of like a girl bent over, you know, trying to look sexy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You used to be able to beat off to something like that. | ||
| Like you go, oh, look at that dirty bitch. | ||
| But now it's like, these dudes are desensitized. | ||
| Yeah, these kids are going to grow up and not going to be able to get off unless like somebody like goat sees them and like shits in their face and stuff like that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because they're starting off. | ||
| Some people do get to like really crazy points where the only thing that gets them off is like really fucked up shit. | ||
| There's porn that caters just to those dudes. | ||
| I told you about the time that Tate and I went to see a porno being taped. | ||
| We walked in. | ||
| We walked in. | ||
| This is this dude Salami that we used to do jiu-jitsu with. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| And he was directing porn. | ||
| And he told us, come by, I'm doing this shot. | ||
| Come by. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| So, all right, we're on our way back from a gig. | ||
| Land at the airport. | ||
| We go, before we even go home, let's go check out this fucking dude's, go to this, watch this dude's porn film. | ||
| We walk in, and there's this one guy fucking this girl in the asshole, and the other guy's fucking this girl in the mouth, and they're spitting in her mouth. | ||
| Everyone's spitting in her mouth. | ||
| Both guys and the director. | ||
| And he was like, grab her by the hair, spit in her mouth, and this guy'll spit in her mouth. | ||
| I mean, it was like, it was fucking, it was rough, man. | ||
| The guy's fucking her in the asshole, and then he stuffs it in her pussy, and he goes, yeah, I went from your asshole to your pussy. | ||
| That's real fucking healthy. | ||
| I'm like, whoa. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| What kind of porn is this, man? | ||
| I remember watching porn and then first seeing like how, like, you know, people spitting on the girl's crotch before fucking in. | ||
| And so I tried it with my ex-girlfriend back in the day. | ||
| She got mad at it. | ||
| She says, did you just spit on my crotch? | ||
| I was so drunk. | ||
| I think I goobed on her crotch. | ||
| I didn't just spit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, I was like, and then I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. | |
| Yeah, there's something dudes like that when girls spit on dicks. | ||
| You know, like, I love those pornos where girls spit on a guy's dick. | ||
| I'm like, that's just showing me there's like anger there or something. | ||
| That's like craziness. | ||
| You don't need to spit on it. | ||
| You know, you want to lick it. | ||
| You want to get it all sloppy wet. | ||
| That's all good. | ||
| That's all good. | ||
| You don't need to get crazy. | ||
| The worst is when they spit in a girl's butt and it's like, it disappears. | ||
| And you see little bubbles and shit. | ||
| Like, come on. | ||
| People will never find the end. | ||
| There's no end. | ||
| You know, it's just advancing and escalating. | ||
| And it's the more exposure to this shit that we have, the more it desensitizes people to like regular sex. | ||
| Girls are taking it in the ass left and right now. | ||
| There's like reports about it. | ||
| Like all these doctors are having problems with girls having like butt V D. Yeah, they're shitting themselves by the age of 30. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| Get yourself a rubber butthole from the fleshlight. | ||
| If you got that butthole thing inside you. | ||
| So I tried to warm up the juice. | ||
| So then I had to do the microwave thing. | ||
| I went into the bedroom, I didn't have a boner anymore because I was like doing like kitchen shit. | ||
| So then I had to get myself hard again by looking at some porn. | ||
| And then I went over and the juice was not warm anymore. | ||
| And it was just like, ah, so I... | ||
| I do not set aside time to jerk off. | ||
| I don't like sit down and my dick's not hard. | ||
| I go, oh, I should jerk off and start rubbing myself. | ||
| Yeah, I got to be horny to do it now. | ||
| You've never done that? | ||
| Oh, I have in the past, for sure. | ||
| Dude, I've had days where I jerked off like four and five times in a day. | ||
| You don't even know why you're doing it. | ||
| It's like, this doesn't even feel good anymore. | ||
| Like, why do I keep doing this? | ||
| You're doing it just because you're obsessed, you know, just because you got a wacky bug, you know, and you just want to keep jerking off. | ||
| It relaxes me. | ||
| You know, it's like when you say, like, when you talk about how you take a big shit and then you're like, I can't believe I had this shit. | ||
| That's how I feel, like the sperm. | ||
| It's controlling me. | ||
| No, for sure, but not when you do it five times. | ||
| For one shot, yeah, one shot a day, even two shots a day, maybe if you're feeling crazy, you know, you just got a text message from your ex-wife, and she's having a hard time with her husband, and you're thinking, I should fuck this dirty bitch. | ||
| You know, I hate her, and she took all my money. | ||
| And just beat one off real quick. | ||
| You know, you might get a second one out of it, and it's exciting. | ||
| But other than that, one a day is all you need. | ||
| When you start jerking off five times a day, you're just a fucking weirdo. | ||
| You know, what do you do? | ||
| I used to get blisters on my dick from jerking off. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| And I really would just hold it another way. | ||
| I would figure out another way. | ||
| No, I did, man. | ||
| On two separate occasions in my life, I jerked off so much that I developed like a little sore spot on my dick. | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| There's no way you could be enjoying that. | ||
| Like, why are you jerking off that much? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you're fucking crazy. | ||
| I mean, that's what it is. | ||
| It's like you just get it in your head that you have to jerk off. | ||
| When I used to fuck pillows, what was so bad is, because I never used my hand. | ||
| I would fuck pillows. | ||
| The worst is watching my mom like, you drool so much when you sleep. | ||
| And I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| She's like, go in the laundry room. | ||
| And she's like taking off pillow sheets that were sticking to it. | ||
| And you just look at my pillow and it looked like, you know, fucking raindrops. | ||
| Your mom has for sure touched your loads. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| How does that feel? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just can't believe how this is. | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| Your mom has touched your semen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, she made it. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It all came from her, right? | ||
| She cooked it up inside of her. | ||
| If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be alive. | ||
| You wouldn't have any sperm. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| I just got a 3D TV, one of those news. | ||
| Yeah, you were telling me about this. | ||
| And you watched porn on this? | ||
| Yeah, I watched. | ||
| How does this work? | ||
| So explain to me. | ||
| What company makes this? | ||
| This is a Samsung TV. | ||
| Because I saw a Sony, but the Sony said it's not even out yet. | ||
| The Sony's not out until summer. | ||
| It was very impressive, though. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, the Samsung, what it does is I got a 3D TV and a 3D Blu-ray player, and it converts first. | ||
| You could watch anything on TV, any show, any TV, and it will convert it into 3D if you want to. | ||
| How the fuck does it do that? | ||
| You know, it has like a smart technology where it detects what a background is and what the main character is, and it tries to layer it, and it does a really good job, actually. | ||
| I was so impressed. | ||
| I thought it was gonna be like bullshit, but it was like I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and it looked like it was made for 3D. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Yeah, it was pretty crazy. | ||
| And you wear goggles? | ||
| Yeah, you wear these little glasses. | ||
| When are they gonna fix that? | ||
| Well, supposedly, they already invented the technology to do it, and what it does, it's like this grate that goes over your TV, and it detects where you're sitting in the room, and it kind of like splits the images up for you, like from left eye to right eye. | ||
| And it makes it 3D, but it's too expensive right now. | ||
| They said that in the next five to eight years, you'll start seeing it coming out. | ||
| And then it will be integrated into the television and be a part of it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And what's weird about it is that you using the 3D, you immediately get it. | ||
| Like, I get it. | ||
| Like, you're going to have a TV that's going to be three-dimensional soon, where it's going to look like you're a window, but you're going to be able to kind of, you know, it's crazy when you start really getting it. | ||
| But just TVs themselves are insane. | ||
| We're just so used to it. | ||
| Just the idea of capturing image, capturing any image. | ||
| And I mean, you're literally taking a snapshot of what's in front of you. | ||
| And somehow or another, you can send that. | ||
| You can put it in a, and you don't even have to connect it to anything. | ||
| It goes from your phone, and it can go to the whole world. | ||
| You put it on Flickr. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And someone in Nicaragua can look at it. | ||
| Not to mention that TVs are like this skinny, by the way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so pretty soon you're just going to have a warm iPad. | ||
| Look at an iPad. | ||
| 3D. | ||
| How nuts is that? | ||
| Those things are fucking crystal clear. | ||
| Those really awesome image. | ||
| And it's this little skinny ass thing, like a piece of paper. | ||
| You know, it's like a couple pieces of cardboard stacked together. | ||
| It's fucking nuts, man. | ||
| TVs today, you know, you go and look at these TVs and just think about how long ago it was that, you know, you had like this stupid looking like rounded circles, rounded edges on the corner, and it was big as fuck, and everybody had to help you move it. | ||
| Did you have those when you were? | ||
| Do you remember what my grandmother used to have? | ||
| Like where it used to be a record player on the top and then the speakers on the cabinet. | ||
| Yeah, and they were to open it. | ||
| They had to put the TV out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was black and white and it was tiny. | ||
| It was like fucking smaller than your laptop. | ||
| It was a piece of furniture. | ||
| It was a coffee table that was super long. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that was just a lifetime ago. | ||
| I mean, that's what my parents grew up with. | ||
| My parents grew up with that shit. | ||
| That shit's bananas. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's pretty fucking insane where technology is headed, but it's just as insane just thinking about where it's gone. | ||
| If you ever wanted evidence of evolution, evolution seems to be a pattern that everything follows. | ||
| People want to get angry whether or not evolution exists and whether or not evolution is real. | ||
| And very few people even truly understand the argument. | ||
| It's a very, very, very complex argument. | ||
| But the argument really isn't, is there a God? | ||
| The argument is everything seems to evolve. | ||
| Every single thing seems to change. | ||
| And human beings are the clearest example of that just based on our culture. | ||
| If you look at just the shit that we have now in comparison to the things we had a few years ago and the movies, if you like watch movies and listen to songs from like the 40s and the 50s and then you listen to some new shit, even if you don't like most new shit or you think it's stupid or you think it's, I'm with you on all that. | ||
| But just the technical level that they're able to, like the kind of music they're able to make now, you know, it's very, very different. | ||
| It's incredibly powerful. | ||
| Like you might not be into pink. | ||
| Listen to a goddamn pink song and then try to go like back in time and listen to some Jefferson airplane and shit and see the like the how they recorded it. | ||
| Even if you love that song, it's like they did a terrible job of like putting it all together. | ||
| You know, like the evolution of music, the evolution of television shows. | ||
| Like try watching Father Knows Best. | ||
| Try watching any of those fucking stupid movies from the 50s. | ||
| Those goddamn things are terrible. | ||
| They're terrible. | ||
| It's like everybody falls in love immediately. | ||
| The bad guy's super obvious. | ||
| Everything happens. | ||
| It's so corny and phony. | ||
| And now, you know, it's very clear that things are moving in a certain direction. | ||
| Everything is. | ||
| Not everything, though. | ||
| Like when you go to a gas station and you prepay for like 20 bucks and that last dollar takes slows down. | ||
| Why does it do that? | ||
| Because they want to make sure it doesn't go over. | ||
| You think they need technology to fix that? | ||
| No, because when you undo it yourself, you could just turn it off like that and it's like three cents, spam. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They don't want you to go over because if you go over just a little bit and everybody goes over just a little bit and you add that little bit all together, it's probably millions of dollars. | ||
| No, but there should be a technology where it just turns it off at this time. | ||
| Well, really the problem is the real technology issue is this fucking fuel issue. | ||
| The real technology is the gasoline thing. | ||
| We need gasoline to make every single thing on this earth and we need gasoline to move. | ||
| That's the real technological, that's the hurdle. | ||
| The hurdle isn't your last dollar when you're pre-paying for gas. | ||
| The real hurdle is for the fucking oil. | ||
| That's some frightening shit, man. | ||
| Well, there is things. | ||
| What my point was, there is things that you're just, I'm amazed that such things are so different from 20 years ago. | ||
| Other things like that. | ||
| It's just like, come on, gas pumps. | ||
| Well, yeah, I hear you, but I don't think overall, I don't think it's important for that. | ||
| There's no innovation as far as the fuel. | ||
| Eventually, they're going to have to come up with something new. | ||
| And then when that happens, then we'll reach some new point where we have to abandon gasoline entirely. | ||
| But they're going to have to make some gigantic discoveries. | ||
| But that's so possible, man. | ||
| People don't even think about how possible that is. | ||
| They could come up with some new way to fucking make hydrogen tomorrow and it would change everything, or some other new type of new way of making batteries that makes batteries last longer. | ||
| They could figure out some weird shit, man, and then instantly everything changes. | ||
| Yeah, battery technology is slow as fuck. | ||
| I mean, Mac just released a new refresh of their MacBook this week, and it added two or three more hours to the last model. | ||
| So that's actually a huge. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| That's a pretty good. | ||
| but usually they do that by making the batteries larger and making it so you can't pull them out. | ||
| Yeah, but they didn't with this one. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's a replaceable? | ||
| No, this is the same size. | ||
| I mean, you know what I mean? | ||
| They didn't change anything. | ||
| Yeah, the new MacBooks can get 10 hours, supposedly. | ||
| Yeah, 9 to 10 hours. | ||
| I have this 17-inch MacBook Pro, whatever it is. | ||
| But this thing doesn't get nearly as much as they say it does. | ||
| If you're actually using it. | ||
| I got this one, which was last model, and it's supposed to get five hours. | ||
| I get two hours, and this is a brand new battery. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's like you have to turn the volume on the brightness on the screen way down. | ||
| That saves a lot of it. | ||
| You can't be cranking volume. | ||
| You can't be watching movies. | ||
| If you use Wi-Fi, it eats it up. | ||
| If you have a cellular card, it eats it up. | ||
| But yet the iPad seems like you can do all that and not even take a dent to that amazing thing. | ||
| That's a fucked up battery. | ||
| What's up with that battery? | ||
| That battery is crazy, dude. | ||
| I use that battery for a whole weekend. | ||
| It says like 50%. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They should just get like three of those batteries. | ||
| Yeah, when I'm in a hotel, dude, I sit with that thing. | ||
| I'll get on the net and I'll do it for hours. | ||
| I'll read. | ||
| I'll even write some shit on there, write like little notes. | ||
| And then I look at it. | ||
| It's like 96% battery. | ||
| I'm still liking that iPad, by the way. | ||
| It's a pretty cool little thing, man. | ||
| That's the future, son. | ||
| The future is some new fucked up thing that's even easier to transport around than that. | ||
| Because that right now is the portable typewriter of the future. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| God, I miss typewriters. | ||
| Did you type on a typewriter? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I had to do it for school. | ||
| And you make a mistake and you have to take that white marker thing and go over it. | ||
| What a fucking pain in the ass it must have been to write a book back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You had to actually click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. | ||
| That TV, though, has this, that new 3D TV I got has this thing called the 240 megahertz mode. | ||
| It's auto motion plus mode. | ||
| And it is the most fucked up thing. | ||
| What it does is it is so fast that it actually makes up frames in between frames. | ||
| And what the outcome is, is awful. | ||
| It makes any show or any movie look completely fake. | ||
| Like when you watch, if you take Titanic and if you sit there with a movie camera and film Titanic, it looks like a movie because it's a movie camera. | ||
| You take that same scene and record it with a video camera, it would look fake and kind of like cheap. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's what this does, though, to every show. | ||
| So you sit there and watch Lost or anything, you'll get pissed off because it looks like a soap opera. | ||
| Isn't that kind of weird that video, like people, they don't use video for things, and one of the reasons is because it makes stuff look fake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It makes stuff look, it doesn't look as cool. | ||
| But what it means is it doesn't look as good. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's not as clear an image. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's not as foggy. | ||
| It's also that you can focus, like in film, you can focus on the guys in the foreground, whereas video kind of just captures everything. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that's what this, I guess this TV does is it takes each frame and makes everything in focus. | ||
| So it makes everything seem really phony. | ||
| Like if you watch Lost, it looks like a soap opera from Mexico. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| It ruins everything. | ||
| So I don't know why if Samsung made that mode, but I get that now. | ||
| I want to make everything look fake. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
| It's pretty bad, man. | ||
| I want that, though. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's fun to fucking. | ||
| What's great is doing it and not telling somebody and going, dude, what's your favorite movie? | ||
| Godfather. | ||
| Okay, let's watch it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This doesn't seem as good as I remember. | ||
| It will make you freak. | ||
| Even Godfather? | ||
| Old movies like that? | ||
| Any movie. | ||
| So it's some sort of a software thing. | ||
| It just takes every frame, makes it a function. | ||
| Is it a hardware conversion? | ||
| Yeah, it's a hardware in the TV. | ||
| So the TV is actually making... | ||
| It's kind of like a really fast monitor, you know? | ||
| So it doesn't look fast or anything, but it looks crisper and clear and it looks crisper. | ||
| How much time do you think there is before they make movies just completely artificial that look like real movies? | ||
| Where it's like, you know, like a video game, like video game style. | ||
| Like what was that one movie they did where they did a whole movie like that? | ||
| Final Fantasy. | ||
| Final Fantasy? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| A sci-fi movie? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But it looked kind of fake, you know, kind of goofy. | ||
| It looks really fake now too, by the way. | ||
| Yeah, now it looks stupid as fuck, right? | ||
| But back then it was like, wow, this is kind of impressive what they did. | ||
| Not really good enough, though, to warrant making a whole movie. | ||
| But how many more years are going to go by before they can make like Humphrey Bogart movies? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like make a fake Humphrey Bogart movie, recreate his voice, recreate his intonations. | ||
| You know, that's going to happen, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's only a few years off. | ||
| They're going to be able to make porn with anybody. | ||
| They're going to be able to make any Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton are going to have lesbian porn. | ||
| They're going to fuck each other and fist each other. | ||
| That's going to be a video game. | ||
| Choose your character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Obama. | |
| It's going to look so realistic, but totally be unrealistic. | ||
| Like, it could look exactly like Hillary is just armpit deep into Sarah Palin's pussy, just punching it. | ||
| I mean, you could make that. | ||
| Splattering just pussy juice all over the wall. | ||
| Whoops, I killed the mic. | ||
| Splattering pussy juice all over the wall. | ||
| You're going to be able to recreate that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Beowulf is another one that somebody just said that. | ||
| Beowulf. | ||
| Beowulf. | ||
| Yeah, it was terrible. | ||
| I like that movie. | ||
| It was alright, but it didn't look real. | ||
| It didn't look real at all. | ||
| But it was cool. | ||
| It was a fun little fantasy movie. | ||
| I think they should have done the Lords of the Rings that way, actually. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The Lords of the Rings, like, Gollum is fake, but everybody else was real. | ||
| It's like, there was some fake shit there that was hard to swallow, even though they were awesome movies, don't get me wrong. | ||
| I think it would have been even cooler if the whole movie was kind of fantasy. | ||
| I don't need real actors, you know? | ||
| Plus, real actors look too human to me. | ||
| I want a hobbit to be fucking weird looking. | ||
| I don't want you to just be some dude wearing like furry shoes that look like feet. | ||
| But yeah, I just watched Alice in Wonderland last night, and that was actually kind of cool how they took real characters, but they distorted them. | ||
| They made their heads bigger and smaller. | ||
| That was cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The main, the Queen of Hearts. | ||
| Who was that lady? | ||
| What's that lady's name again? | ||
| Helena Bottom Carner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She had the big giant fucking head. | ||
| That was pretty trippy. | ||
| I love that cat, too. | ||
| Yeah, the cat was badass. | ||
| But that was a movie to only go to see if you're really high. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It was okay. | ||
| It wasn't that good. | ||
| It was not good, no. | ||
| It was interesting because I was barbecued. | ||
| I ate a pot cookie like an hour before I went to see that movie. | ||
| So when I went to the movie, I was just, by the time the first frame started to the film, I was full-blown. | ||
| I was like, just completely blown out. | ||
| So it was fascinating. | ||
| The cat was really interesting. | ||
| But like, as a plot and everything, it was like, so you didn't give a shit. | ||
| You didn't give a fuck what happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But yeah, getting really baked and watching your favorite movie get fucked up by that Motion Plus thing. | ||
| You should check it out. | ||
| It'll creep you out. | ||
| I can't change my TV. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That seems really... | |
| You should do a 3D one. | ||
| I don't want to do it. | ||
| But you know what's also cool about it is how this TV is so connected to the internet. | ||
| Like, I hit a button and it tells me like Yahoo News, my Gmail, my Flickr. | ||
| I hit another button and I got Netflix and I got Amazon video on demand all through my TV remote. | ||
| Like it's yeah, mine does that. | ||
| My VCR, mine VCR, my DVD player can download Netflix. | ||
| It can store things on Netflix. | ||
| It can stream things. | ||
| It can go to YouTube and watch YouTube clips. | ||
| It's pretty crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the future, son. | ||
| The future is, you know, shit like this. | ||
| I mean, probably there's somebody right now that can watch this. | ||
| There's probably some sort of an application, some sort of a way to watch this on your actual TV. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I mean, you can do it on your iPhone. | ||
| If this wasn't a real TV show. | ||
| By the way, I was watching. | ||
| When I was here, this would be called Dead Air. | ||
| People would be yelling at us. | ||
| You're boring as fuck right now, son. | ||
| I was watching you guys last week on top of a waterfall, and it was so weird. | ||
| I was like, I'm in the middle of nowhere in Portland, Oregon, watching you on an iPhone. | ||
| Did you do any math when you were out there in Portland? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| But I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| Portland, Oregon, I was in a Costco, and I always like to play this game when I'm out of town. | ||
| And I was like, all right, I have, you know, 15 minutes to find one person in this store that I would fuck. | ||
| You know, like, you get to fuck one person in the store. | ||
| Who would it be? | ||
| And I could not find one person in that store. | ||
| Not even like a mediocre person until right when I was walking out, one of the employees, she looked like an LA2. | ||
| And I was like, okay, I'll pick her because I have to pick one. | ||
| LA2. | ||
| Yeah, I have to fuck that one. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, maybe you have really high standards. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I mean, it's every single person in Portland is fat. | ||
| They look very depressed and sad. | ||
| And yeah, I guess it's the meth capital of the world. | ||
| But yet nature everywhere. | ||
| Beautiful everywhere you go. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Hot. | ||
| People that live in Portland don't feel bad. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sorry for that. | ||
| Brian doesn't want to fuck you. | ||
| I did not meet you. | ||
| Yeah, you might be the shit. | ||
| He might have just got to a real ugly spot. | ||
| Tons of armpit hairs on all the chicks, too. | ||
| What do you think, though, about all the... | ||
| There's something I read on forums where women were complaining, saying, you know, that men should know that women have hair on their legs and armpits. | ||
| This is silly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I went to a sushi place, first sushi place I've ever been to, where they gave you forks. | ||
| And then I was like, wait, wait, where's the chopsticks? | ||
| And I had to go to like the hostess stand, and they had to look for chopsticks at a sushi place. | ||
| Like they were like, oh, you want to see. | ||
| It's America, son. | ||
| I know, but. | ||
| You want to fucking go back to China? | ||
| You can use those chopsticks. | ||
| That's what kind of sushi place they have there. | ||
| What do you think about all those people that get depressed and want to kill themselves because it's, you know, sunny five days a year? | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| I lived in Ohio, and it was like that every day, and I wanted to kill myself. | ||
| I just wanted to go to work and get done with the day and go back home and play on the internet. | ||
| And that was because it was cloudy. | ||
| It was just disgusting outside. | ||
| It was just gray. | ||
| Every day, the sky was gray. | ||
| How many days? | ||
| I would say 50%, 60% of the days were gray. | ||
| The other were like partly cloudy to sunny. | ||
| But 60% was like gray sky, like nothing, just death. | ||
| Yeah, I've been there, man. | ||
| I've been to Columbus a bunch of times doing stand-up, and that's what I've found. | ||
| It's just real gray there. | ||
| There's a bunch of parts of the country that are just real gray for like a long part of the year. | ||
| That shit ain't good for you. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Sucks. | ||
| It's weird, right? | ||
| We're kind of programmed, you know, though the human body needs a certain amount from its environment. | ||
| One of the things we need is sunlight. | ||
| We literally need sunlight for vitamins. | ||
| We need it for vitamin D, but we also need it for happiness. | ||
| There's something about skies that are gloomy, that are depressing. | ||
| And it's like encoded into your DNA. | ||
| It's like your DNA is telling you, hey, you're living in a place where it's going to be uncomfortable. | ||
| You're going to get drenched. | ||
| You're not going to get that vitamin D that you need. | ||
| But if you can get past that, you'll be okay. | ||
| If you can go to the sun and get to the sunny parts, then you'll be happy. | ||
| Like you can literally changes your state to be in different weather. | ||
| You know, like physically changes it. | ||
| And if you live in a place where it's just, you don't get that sun, you don't get enough of that sun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's also different people have different needs too, I think, genetically. | ||
| You know, I bet if you're black, I bet living in a place where it's never sunny is fucking terrible. | ||
| I bet it's terrible for you. | ||
| Because like the whole dark skin, the whole dark skin is supposed to be in response to bright sun and living in hot climates. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, dark skin, like Brazil, you know, they're dark skinned and that's supposed to be because they have to deal with the hot sun and that kind of a climate. | ||
| And if you go to places like Siberia, people are pretty fucking white. | ||
| It's because no one's ever outside in the sun. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like you grow accustomed to it. | ||
| So maybe if you're a person that like, you know, is like got super pale skin, it would be way easier to live in a place where it doesn't get sunny. | ||
| You know, maybe there's like genetic needs. | ||
| Very possible, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I wish I knew about those lights before, though, when I lived in Ohio, like the sunlight lights. | ||
| Have you heard of those? | ||
| And those, they're artificial lighting. | ||
| Artificial lighting? | ||
| Yeah, they have alarm clocks that have that built into them, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was thinking about getting one of those. | ||
| That's a trick, though. | ||
| That's a trick. | ||
| How the fuck would that be as good as going outside on a sunny day? | ||
| Sunny days are awesome because everybody else is happy too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I guess that's tricks you. | ||
| When I lived in Boston, I appreciated the fuck out of those sunny days. | ||
| But now in LA, you're just so used to it. | ||
| It's like sunny days are just what you get every day. | ||
| Yeah, it's actually the opposite. | ||
| Today it's cloudy. | ||
| Yeah, you get fired up when it's cloudy. | ||
| You get, oh, we're going to get some nice rain. | ||
| Because it literally is sunny here 360 days a year almost. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| How many days a year? | ||
| I'm exaggerating, but it's maybe 320. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's pretty high, definitely. | ||
| There's sometimes there's like a month, though, that it rains like every day. | ||
| Sometimes, like every other year, two years. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucked up. | ||
| You can get used to that. | ||
| But it's terrible for your skin. | ||
| In Australia, when I was in Australia, they have all these ads for skin cancer because Australia doesn't have a fucking Ozone layer. | ||
| Remember when there was the big hole in the ozone layer worry? | ||
| Well, it's all over Australia. | ||
| And apparently, Australia doesn't give a shit. | ||
| But they have all these ads everywhere you go about being careful because if you go outside without sunscreen on, you could get skin cancer. | ||
| So they have these really graphic skin cancer ads on the side of buses with stitches and shit. | ||
| You see big pieces of meat cut out of people. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| Like where when you get cigarettes in like Canada and it shows like some guy with throat cancer on the back of your box. | ||
| England's rough about that too. | ||
| You see people smoking in England. | ||
| They have big giant warnings in the back of their cigarettes. | ||
| But you need that, son. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| You got illnesses right now. | ||
| You're ready to die. | ||
| Brian's been shitting blood. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's shitting black. | ||
| It's blood, right? | ||
| Isn't it blood? | ||
| Stomach ulcers. | ||
| Brian's got a stomach ulcer. | ||
| He's fucked. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I have this doctor, and I was talking to him today, and he's just like, so what, your stool is black? | ||
| And I'm like, yes, last night I felt like I was going to throw up. | ||
| I haven't ate in 24 hours and I feel really lightheaded and my stool is black. | ||
| And he goes, man, we need to get you to the emergency room quick. | ||
| All right, I'm going to call you back and schedule an appointment. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, okay. | ||
| And he's like, and you're not going to be able to drive home. | ||
| I'm like, all right, that's cool. | ||
| Four hours, five hours later, he hasn't called me back. | ||
| So this is going on right now as we speak. | ||
| I might just die right now. | ||
| What kind of a trooper is Brian? | ||
| This dude is bleeding out of his butthole and he's just hanging out with us. | ||
| Yeah, it might be stomach cancer. | ||
| Somebody just said it might be cancer. | ||
| I don't think it's cancer. | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't smell like you got cancer. | ||
| You smell like you got some ulcer. | ||
| Where's your dogs at? | ||
| You should let your dogs smell me instead of you. | ||
| Growling at your asshole. | ||
| Like angry. | ||
| Imagine a dog locks onto your asshole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| It's happened. | ||
| It's happened before. | ||
| There's dogs that can smell cancer. | ||
| They can take test tubes and align this, like, you know, they did this test with them where they just have this big giant 20-yard line. | ||
| And down the line, there's a different test tube and, you know, increments. | ||
| And each different test tube has a different thing in it. | ||
| And they'll go right to the ones with cancer and they bark. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| They can smell fucking cancer. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I love that whole thing where there's stuff we don't know about things like dogs and like that. | ||
| Or just that. | ||
| Did they know that? | ||
| And like earthquakes. | ||
| Just the fact, yeah, they know tsunamis are coming. | ||
| They go run. | ||
| I mean, in the Thailand tsunami, the last big one that happened, very few animals died, man. | ||
| If any, I think the animals all escaped. | ||
| They all saw it coming and got the fuck out of Dodge, like way, way in advance. | ||
| Because they don't have a language, I think that the Earth itself probably has some sort of a language. | ||
| And if you have a language yourself, you know, like human beings do, we have this ability to communicate. | ||
| We're so wrapped up in communicating with ourselves that we don't receive any communication from animals or from plants or from the world. | ||
| You know, I'm not talking about like words, like dogs talk to you. | ||
| But you ever meet a dog and you know you can't fuck with this dog? | ||
| You never meet a dog and you're like, what's going on, buddy? | ||
| And you're looking at him and he's looking at you and you're like, okay, let me get the fuck away from you. | ||
| That dog is sending, there's somehow or another, I mean, it's not even his demeanor. | ||
| He's not growling at you, but he's just giving you a look and you're getting a message. | ||
| He's communicating with you, but you got all sorts of shit inside your head. | ||
| The stock market and your divorce and your fucking homework and this and that and language and English and I'm learning Spanish and you got all this shit going on in your head. | ||
| I bet the earth itself actually has like some sort of a way of communicating with beings and with animals that don't have languages. | ||
| Like they can tune into shit that we can't tune into. | ||
| That's how dogs can smell things and tune into things and I mean they have super, super, super powered senses. | ||
| Yeah, but they can't sense that if they have cancer, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, that's maybe they can. | ||
| Maybe they just can't communicate it. | ||
| You know, but dumb dogs, you know. | ||
| It's funny when the doctor was asking me if it was black, and I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| It's like very dark, dark brown. | ||
| He goes, well, dark brown and black is completely different. | ||
| And I'm like, it's not really different. | ||
| I'm like, do you want me to take a photo of it? | ||
| And he goes, no, that's not necessary. | ||
| Like, well, are you talking about $10,000 difference? | ||
| Like, if I say, no, it's black, are you going to make me go to the hospital and do all this shit? | ||
| That's why I just don't get doctors, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every day deals with people that are broken. | ||
| Could you imagine what that'd be like? | ||
| That's like psychology. | ||
| I was a psych major for a while in college, and I was thinking, maybe I should be a psychologist. | ||
| I give people good advice. | ||
| And then I thought about it and I was like, you're going to be dealing with fucked up people every day. | ||
| Every day you're on fucked up energy. | ||
| The best you can do with these people is make them not fucked up. | ||
| You know, that's the best you can do. | ||
| But you're not getting any fucking happiness and joy and excitement and all powerful feelings all day, creativity. | ||
| You're just dealing with fucked up people. | ||
| And some people want to do that. | ||
| Some people want to help you. | ||
| And good on you. | ||
| Good on you. | ||
| But man, that would have to be a fucking drag. | ||
| And also in LA, I think it's completely worse. | ||
| Like if you're in Columbia. | ||
| It's so self-indulgent out here. | ||
| Yeah, and plus there's just so many people. | ||
| So many people and so many people trying to do something completely unrealistic. | ||
| How many people out here want to be famous? | ||
| You know, and I live out in the burbs and you run into people and you don't think that they're the type. | ||
| And then as you get to know them, you find out, oh, I came out here to be an actor. | ||
| It didn't work out. | ||
| And then I got into plumbing. | ||
| I always wanted to be an actor. | ||
| I always wanted to do this. | ||
| And how'd you get your spot? | ||
| Oh, I always wanted to do that, man. | ||
| How'd you get on that show? | ||
| Oh, I always wanted to do that. | ||
| And you find out that literally, the percentage of people that move out here for even in the back of their head, they have some weird show biz dream. | ||
| It's like fucking 60%. | ||
| That's a completely unrealistic number. | ||
| If you think about how many people there are out there that actually become famous from acting, especially acting, man. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking, who's to say you're a good actor? | ||
| How the hell do you get good at pretending to be someone you're not? | ||
| You know, I mean, I guess there's some methods to it, and I guess, you know, it all depends on your personality, what kind of energy you're packing inside of you. | ||
| But then somebody has to agree to put you in a movie, and somebody has to agree they like you, and what are the odds that's going to happen? | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| So those people are all, they have these unrealized dreams, and that fucking chips away out of them. | ||
| And then the reason why they wanted to be actors in the first place, a lot of them, is because they're fucked up because they didn't get any attention as a child. | ||
| Ooh, I coughed up. | ||
| I was getting all broken up with this story. | ||
| They didn't get any attention as a child, which is the same reason why people become comedians and any kind of extreme attention performer like that. | ||
| So then you're dealing with so many people with that, so many people with problems, so many people that need to be fixed. | ||
| Just give them some pills. | ||
| Just give them a fucking pill and shut them up. | ||
| After a while, I think these doctors get just tired. | ||
| Just tired of dealing with shit. | ||
| Could you imagine being the guy who has to deal with your problem every day? | ||
| Every day, someone comes to him and has got some sort of an ulcer or something. | ||
| Especially when it's like a butt doctor. | ||
| Can you imagine what that is like seeing buttholes all day? | ||
| Yeah, you gotta fix it. | ||
| You gotta fix them. | ||
| Nobody's coming in with the perfect butthole and you're like, I have good news for you. | ||
| Your butthole is perfect. | ||
| Now, if you're going to see the butt doctor, you got a butthole problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| You could be dehydrated. | ||
| It depends what color your shit was. | ||
| Do you drink a lot of water? | ||
| Yeah, I had two Gatorades already today, so I'm not dehydrated. | ||
| That's not wonderful. | ||
| And did you know that you could pinch your hand and you could tell if you're dehydrated if your skin goes back slower? | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| That's a good way to tell if you're dehydrated. | ||
| I've heard about that from dudes that cut weight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, when they know that they're ready to die. | ||
| They cut so much weight that their body's failing on them. | ||
| A lot of guys who cut weight get really crazy with it. | ||
| Like they'll go down from like, you know, there's dudes that go from well over 200 pounds and they go all the way down to 170. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Like Tiago Alvez. | ||
| You've seen that guy before, right? | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| When I stand next to that guy, I cannot believe that that guy gets to 170 pounds. | ||
| He's so much bigger than me. | ||
| I weigh 185 pounds and that guy is way bigger than me. | ||
| He is gigantic. | ||
| And somehow or another, he dries himself out totally to 170, gets on the scale, and then rehydrates and gets to like 200 pounds by the time it comes to fight. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I don't know how they do it. | ||
| I don't know how they do it, but it's dangerous. | ||
| And when dudes are like at that last drop, you know, I mean, Tiago's never looked bad, but I've seen some guys look real bad. | ||
| It's like Travis Luter once didn't make weight for the Anderson Silva fight, and he was trying to try and try, but he could not cut the weight for whatever reason. | ||
| And he's walking towards the scale, and he was shuffling because he couldn't even pick his feet up, and his cheeks were all sunken in. | ||
| He looked like he was going to die. | ||
| His lips were all chapped and broken. | ||
| And I was like, whoa, like this dude looks like he's in a goddamn concentration camp. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| All just to be bigger than the other guy. | ||
| What are you doing, man? | ||
| You're going to die. | ||
| Losing composure, son. | ||
| Pull it together. | ||
| Pull it together, boy. | ||
| So we wanted to talk about that the Miss America, the Miss USA. | ||
| You don't want to confuse them because apparently one's legit. | ||
| Mrs. Rogan was telling me that one of them's legit. | ||
| One of them's important and the other one's silly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which one owns Trump own? | ||
| They're the fucking same thing to me. | ||
| I don't see how Miss America or Miss USA, but I guess one of them is like the cooler one and like Miss USA wishes she was Miss America or Miss America wishes she was Miss USA. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the other one is like cheesy. | ||
| Yeah, one's like Hooter girls. | ||
| I heard. | ||
| One of them I think has, you have to like talk and give like a speech and shit. | ||
| And the other one you just fucking flur your baton and Miss America. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Flip your, what's the word? | ||
| Flip your. | ||
| For batons. | ||
| Flip your lid. | ||
| All they are is a who I'd most like to fuck contest. | ||
| And the fact that we still give a shit who wins the who I'd most like to fuck contest in 2010, that's very strange. | ||
| And this one is very controversial because the last woman who was in the big controversy was that Carrie Prijon chick who hated gays or didn't want him to get married or whatever. | ||
| She didn't hate gays. | ||
| I'm just putting words in her mouth. | ||
| She was just upset. | ||
| She only thought regular marriage. | ||
| She was opposed to opposite marriage. | ||
| Or she was opposed to same-sex marriage, but she supported opposite sex marriage. | ||
| That's how she described it, like opposite marriage. | ||
| She was a train wreck. | ||
| Well, she was just a dumb chick who's hot. | ||
| If you're a dumb chick and you're hot, how hard is it to have your shit together? | ||
| Virtually impossible. | ||
| You're around people that tell you you're awesome all day long. | ||
| Everybody wants to fuck you. | ||
| You don't even know what color the sky is. | ||
| What the fuck do you know? | ||
| Could you imagine what it must be like? | ||
| How hard is it to be enlightened and to be free and to be without ego if you're a hot chick in like your 20s? | ||
| Dude, everywhere you go, everyone treats you like you have the Willy Wonka golden ticket. | ||
| Everywhere you go, guys are willing to leave their wives. | ||
| They're tripping over themselves. | ||
| They're trying to buy you things. | ||
| They're trying to take you out. | ||
| Everywhere you go. | ||
| It sucks dating those girls, too. | ||
| Why does it suck? | ||
| Because then they're so used to a certain way that you're, you know what I mean? | ||
| You got to keep the pimp pants strong, son. | ||
| You got to fuck them right, and then don't call them. | ||
| Just make them know the game's different now, okay? | ||
| I'm not that 60-year-old man that bought you a Ferrari, all right? | ||
| I'm here to give you some dick, and then we're on equal terms. | ||
| We're not getting crazy. | ||
| I don't have to buy you things. | ||
| Settle the fuck down. | ||
| They'll get mad at you if you don't buy them things, though, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't care. | ||
| The last boyfriend cared. | ||
| Look what he bought her. | ||
| He bought her all these diamonds. | ||
| He bought her all these things. | ||
| And they get to walk around with them. | ||
| And the walking around with them is very important. | ||
| It's more important than having them. | ||
| They want everybody to see that someone loves them so much they spent all this fucking money. | ||
| So that Miss USA chick, she was a big problem because she didn't like the gay. | ||
| So the fucking Christians got all crazy with her. | ||
| And they were like, yes, you're on our side. | ||
| Then it turned out she did some porn. | ||
| She had made her own home movies with a big dildo and shit. | ||
| She had a dildo in her ass or something. | ||
| There's all these different versions of what actually happened. | ||
| But she went into sue. | ||
| She was trying to sue Miss USA and she was like talking crazy lawsuit talk. | ||
| And they're like, really? | ||
| Why don't you sit the fuck down? | ||
| We're going to show you this video of you with a big black rubber dick in your asshole or whatever happened. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We just should clarify for the broadcast. | ||
| We don't know what exactly was on that tape, but apparently it was some shit that you're not supposed to do if you're Miss USA, which is hilarious. | ||
| You're in a who I'd most like to fuck contest, and there can't even be a video of you out there fucking. | ||
| We can assume that you fuck, but if you capture it on video, that's in violation and you're going to attract undue attention to our cause. | ||
| Our cause of the Miss Who I'd Most Like to Fuck contest. | ||
| Like, What the fuck is wrong with people? | ||
| When I was in high school, I would go to Hooters and just be complete assholes. | ||
| We would go, all right, since it's called Hooters, we're allowed to look at their Hooters. | ||
| So we're just going to go in there and stare at their Hooters and not even look at their face as a joke. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| How old are you guys? | ||
| This is like 15, 16 years old. | ||
| And so we just go there and like the whole time just staring at their tits. | ||
| That's rude, dude. | ||
| I hope you feel bad about that. | ||
| I do feel bad about it. | ||
| When you get really stoned, does it haunt you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It does. | ||
| When you eat like a brownie? | ||
| When chicken wing. | ||
| You ever eat a brownie in your childhood haunts you? | ||
| You think I did some douchey shit when I was in eighth grade? | ||
| There was like this baby cardinal once where it was like fell out of its tree and was hurt and stuff. | ||
| And I just remember being a kid throwing rocks at it. | ||
| And I'm just like, and it haunts me, like that little cardinal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me and my friend Tim, we went hunting for squirrels. | ||
| And no, it was my friend David. | ||
| We went hunting for squirrels with slingshots. | ||
| And then we tagged the squirrel and he fell out of the tree and then we killed him. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck are we doing? | ||
| Like, why are we killing the squirrel? | ||
| Like, why? | ||
| The squirrel didn't do shit to me. | ||
| You know, it's just like we wanted to see if we could do it and we did it. | ||
| Yeah, we played squirrel baseball, throwing baseballs at squirrels on power lines. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's so fucked up, the things you do. | ||
| Like, you're so inconsiderate when you're 15. | ||
| You know, and then you, I don't think I was even 15. | ||
| I was 14, and I never did it again. | ||
| I was like, God, it was like one thing about eating that squirrel, but I just killed that squirrel with a marble. | ||
| I shot him with a marble. | ||
| Like, for what? | ||
| How stupid is that? | ||
| You know, but you learn from those experiences and then you learn from that terrible feeling and you never do it again. | ||
| But God, I wish I didn't have to do it in the first place to learn that. | ||
| Some people are so fucking insensitive. | ||
| Like, some people, like, how many people do you see just throwing cigarettes out the window? | ||
| We were talking about that. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| So inconsiderate, man. | ||
| It's funny because you trained. | ||
| I used to do it, though. | ||
| That sucked. | ||
| When did you stop doing it? | ||
| When I moved to California. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a California thing, I think. | ||
| Why did California make you stop doing it? | ||
| Because in Ohio. | ||
| It was normal. | ||
| It was normal. | ||
| And in California. | ||
| I mean, cops would do it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Cops would be smoking a cigarette while they're writing you a ticket and just flick it on the ground. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| What is it about smokers that makes them think that the world is a garbage? | ||
| Because up to recently, that was normal. | ||
| Right, but why is that normal? | ||
| Why is it normal? | ||
| I had a friend who used to do it. | ||
| He goes, hey, fucking taxes. | ||
| They pay to clean the streets. | ||
| Like, that was his thing. | ||
| He would smoke, he'd flick it on the ground, and I go, why don't you just pick that up? | ||
| Why do you have to throw that on the ground? | ||
| He's like, hey, fucking taxes. | ||
| There's a guy who does his job. | ||
| Is it because it decomposes? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It's decomposed? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| There's a fucking, there's plastic in that thing. | ||
| Who knows what the goddamn shelf life is on a cigarette filter? | ||
| Because, I mean, like, you know how you can, like throw, like, a banana out the window, and that's not good. | ||
| That's a fucking organic thing. | ||
| I know, but a cigarette filter is not an organic thing. | ||
| I mean, there may be biodegradable cigarette filters, but I mean, how long does it take them? | ||
| How many of them are biodegradable and how long does it take them to dissolve? | ||
| Flicking your cigarette out the window creates jobs. | ||
| Yeah, that's what my friend's argument was. | ||
| Someone saying that on Twitter. | ||
| That's what my friend's argument was. | ||
| Hey, this fucking guy does this for a living. | ||
| This is what he does. | ||
| He has to clean up. | ||
| His argument was that somebody gets paid to do it, so it's like cleaning up at a restaurant. | ||
| Why should you clean up? | ||
| You know, you don't clean up. | ||
| The waitress is there to clean up. | ||
| That's her job. | ||
| He thought the city streets were there to be clean. | ||
| So he would just flick his ashes everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, it's one of those things I guess I never got. | ||
| I never understood. | ||
| I just did what everybody else did. | ||
| Because everybody else did it. | ||
| Did you start to feel bad about it? | ||
| You were the one that made me feel bad about it because when we were at the comedy store, I flicked it on the ground and you were just like, pick that up. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You just don't throw it on the ground. | ||
| And it was you who were like, and I was like, really? | ||
| I have a thing for you. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I have a thing for you. | ||
| You were the first person to say it, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No one ever told you not to litter. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Not cigarettes. | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, ever. | ||
| You're the first person to ever do that. | ||
| I'm very sensitive about mess, like, leaving a mess. | ||
| Like, I don't ever want to inconvenience other people because I'm lazy and inconsiderate. | ||
| So it's like, I'll never like throw garbage on the ground. | ||
| If I drop something, I'll chase after a little receipt because I want to make sure that I pick that up and throw it out. | ||
| You know, I'm very sensitive about that shit. | ||
| I just think that that's a gross fucking characteristic of human beings. | ||
| And I don't ever want to see that myself. | ||
| That inconsiderate, like, lazy litterer. | ||
| You know, it's just a gross characteristic. | ||
| Like, we need to fucking move past that. | ||
| I see people in fucking hybrid cars all the time flicking cigarettes out the window. | ||
| That drives me nuts. | ||
| Remember, I was talking about that. | ||
| I did a whole thing about it like a year and a half ago in San Francisco. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was screaming at them because I saw like four of them in a day. | ||
| Four guys in hybrid cars just throwing cigarettes out the window. | ||
| It's like, this is ridiculous. | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| What makes you think that that's okay? | ||
| You're fighting the oil companies and you're trying to be conservative with gasoline and everything like that. | ||
| Make sure that you leave a small footprint and you're throwing cigarettes out the window. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I'm like that with a lot of things where I'm like, I'm ashamed of myself at how I act. | ||
| Like, especially when I'm in a hotel room and I flick cum on the walls and stuff. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, fuck this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on the wall. | |
| Do you do that? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know why. | ||
| You do that still? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
| Oh, you're gross. | ||
| That's what the deal is. | ||
| There's a reason why a hotel room has so many washcloths. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You're supposed to come in a few of those. | ||
| You're not supposed to be flicking around. | ||
| I think it's because I can't do it at home. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I'm like, you know, I want to throw my cum everywhere. | ||
| Have you ever seen those television shows like Inside Edition or whatever the fuck they are? | ||
| You know, when they 2020, where they go to hotel rooms, we're going to take you into hotel rooms, find out what's really going on. | ||
| And they use like black light and they find jizz everywhere. | ||
| Dude, jizz. | ||
| And then on the glasses, I guess those glasses, they don't really clean them. | ||
| It's just like the woman like rinses it out and then puts a thing on it. | ||
| So I guess they did it. | ||
| They swabbed all these glasses and like 90% of the glasses like had fecal matter on them. | ||
| Dude, they took the fucking black light to this one comforter and it looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. | ||
| It was just all Jizz. | ||
| It was just dried jizz all over this fucking thing. | ||
| It was like a goddamn constellation. | ||
| It was disgusting. | ||
| There was just loads all over it. | ||
| And they were like talking about what the different things was. | ||
| This is blood. | ||
| This is probably, and they were saying that it was one of them was period blood. | ||
| They were very specific. | ||
| This is menstrual blood, most likely. | ||
| This is sperm. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| You know, if you think about it, that's what you're sleeping in. | ||
| You know? | ||
| What all the loads that you've blown on hotel sheets. | ||
| And those sheets just get washed. | ||
| They probably do a shitty job. | ||
| What's crazy is they don't even wash the comforter. | ||
| You know, like once a month or something like that. | ||
| That's the thing, yeah. | ||
| That's where all the loads are. | ||
| That's what they found this show. | ||
| It was the comforter and the headboard. | ||
| You know, especially those beds that have like a cloth headboard. | ||
| It's just fucking boom. | ||
| It's just like the back windshield in pulp fiction. | ||
| Josh Walter shot that dude in the head. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's just loads all over that fucking headboard. | ||
| What was that dude's name, Kenny? | ||
| I forget. | ||
| He just shot Kenny in the head. | ||
| That was the really uncomfortable scene where Quentin Tarantino tried to be down and said the word nigger to Samuel Jackson and kept saying it. | ||
| I got a dead nigger in my house. | ||
| Like, why do I have a dead nigger in my house? | ||
| And it was like, what? | ||
| Who the fuck talks like that? | ||
| You know, who, there's not even gangsters, even, there's no white guys that talk like that to black guys. | ||
| Why do I have a dead nigger in my house? | ||
| I mean, that scene was so fake. | ||
| And it was so like him living out some weird white boy fantasy where he wants to be able to say nigger to a black guy because he wrote it in a script. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I used to be a big Quentin Tarantino fan, but, you know, when I see, I saw that TMZ video. | ||
| You ever see that where he attacks like the cameraman? | ||
| No. | ||
| And he just came off such a, like a dick. | ||
| I've seen him come off really cool in interviews, and I've seen him come on off like a dick, but I think he's a volatile guy because he's a creative guy and he's probably super fucking busy all the time, man, a lot of stress. | ||
| And if you catch him at the wrong time and you're trying to talk shit to him and be stupid, he's very likely to talk shit back to you and come off all douchey. | ||
| But you've got to think, what's the situation? | ||
| It's not him forcing his doucheiness on someone. | ||
| It's someone wanting to videotape him when he doesn't want to be videotaped. | ||
| Someone coming up. | ||
| I can't remember, but I think it was just somebody. | ||
| Damn, I wish I could find that link right now. | ||
| I think it was somebody going, hey, I'm a big fan of your movies and stuff like that. | ||
| And he was just like. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I think it was something like that. | ||
| I remember thinking, wow, that's... | ||
| Maybe that just drives him nuts. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm a big fan of pulp fiction. | ||
| I love that fucking movie. | ||
| But then I read all that shit that Roger Avery said. | ||
| Roger Avery, who's in jail. | ||
| He claims that there was like a movie that Quentin Tarantino did, where he was a star in the movie, where he had this whole scene about Top Gun. | ||
| Do you remember the scene? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was a whole scene in this movie about Top Gun being a gay story. | ||
| And this is why it's gay. | ||
| And he goes into this whole rant. | ||
| Well, apparently that was like Roger Avery's rant. | ||
| And Roger Avery, yeah, Roger Avery wrote Killing Zoe, which is an awesome movie. | ||
| If you've never seen it, really interesting, cool crime movie. | ||
| And he wrote pulp fiction with Quentin Tarantino. | ||
| And, you know, they would collaborate on things. | ||
| And then, you know, he would say, tell me how these stories. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's pushing that. | |
| He slapped him. | ||
| Yeah, well, maybe that guy needed to be fucking. | ||
| Do you want to hear the audio real quick? | ||
| Okay, let's play the audio. | ||
| Play the audio and put it up to your microphone. | ||
| And it's called Tarantino Slaps a Cameraman. | ||
| This is what it's called. | ||
| Okay, let me pause this real quick. | ||
| And okay, let's play it. | ||
| So he's walking through this parking lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's going on here? | |
| I'm listening. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| Put that down. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| Can you not talk to me? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No more. | |
| That's... | ||
| That's just me. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Keep it going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go. | |
| Go for it. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| Go, go, go, go. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You started it. | ||
| Oh, I'm starting it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you. | ||
| So you achieve that as a guy running. | ||
| Yeah, you know, you can do it. | ||
| Yeah, because you're filming. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if that was up, I mean, we'll put your ass up and down this tree. | ||
| go That's interesting. | ||
| And if you look at the... | ||
| I'll put it in your chat on the U stream. | ||
| But if you look at the other videos, like the related videos, like Quentin Tarantino spits on some guy, spits on a reporter. | ||
| Well, he doesn't like to be fucked with, maybe. | ||
| That guy just came up to him with a camera, and he wouldn't tell him what it was about, and he's just sticking a camera in his face. | ||
| And maybe he felt like he was being violated, and he felt like that guy was a dickhead. | ||
| You know, I mean, look, I could see his point. | ||
| Look, when someone's fucking with you like that, you know, they don't always catch you in the most perfect of moods. | ||
| You know, I mean, he could easily be involved in some big, stressful fucking thing with some movie he's doing, and he's in the middle of this shit, and then he steps outside and some guy's got a camera in his face. | ||
| He's like, what are you doing, man? | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| And the guy won't say anything to him, or the guy won't explain it to him, and he gets mad. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| Maybe he just sense the guy was a douchebag. | ||
| We're not seeing the guy with the camera. | ||
| I just posted it on my Twitter, Redband.com or Redband, R-E-D B-A-N. | ||
| Tarantino's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Well, Pulp Fiction was an awesome movie, but I don't know. | ||
| The whole Roger Avery thing is unfortunate. | ||
| Roger Avery says that that whole Top Gun rant was like his rant and that Tarantino, he said it in front of Tarantino and Tarantino went and put it in a movie. | ||
| But Tarantino, that's what he does, kind of like with his movies. | ||
| A lot of his movies are like old stories that he kind of like redoes, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you've been, we were talking about earlier about the Hurt Locker, how that guy's suing the writer of The Hurt Locker, saying that he took a article that he did for Playboy, I guess, about his time in the bomb squad and they re-wrote it into The movie The Hurt Locker. | ||
| And it's really similar. | ||
| Like, the guy had blonde hair, blue eye came from a trailer. | ||
| The whole deal. | ||
| Like, his story is exactly that story. | ||
| But in their defense, like, how many guys in the military are blonde hair, blue eye, come from trailers? | ||
| It's probably a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| The fact that he was actually a bomb specialist. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Detonation specialist, and this guy was as well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what's crazy even is the creator of those movies are supposedly going to sue thousands of BitTorrent users, people that have downloaded the movie illegally on the internet, and they're going to go after all these users, which I thought was very metallic-y. | ||
| Metallick-y. | ||
| Yeah, like the old nasty. | ||
| Very Mars Ehrlich. | ||
| Yeah, very douchey. | ||
| Do you think that that's douchey? | ||
| I think it is douchey. | ||
| Well, if it's his movie, right? | ||
| And if he's losing money because all these people I don't know. | ||
| I mean, that's an argument right there. | ||
| It is an argument, but it's, you know, look, no one has a right to it for free. | ||
| That's an argument as well. | ||
| You don't have a right to be downloading someone's work. | ||
| These guys worked. | ||
| They did all this time, Paul's time, put all this effort, made a script, cast it, got funding, the whole deal. | ||
| And all you do is just press a button on BitTorrent and boink, and you got it on your desktop and you watch it for free. | ||
| There's something fucked up about that. | ||
| It's not like a band. | ||
| If you go see a band, say if you download a band's MP3s and you got them, you know, off LimeWire or some shit, and then you go, well, I'm going to go support these guys. | ||
| I'm going to see them in concert. | ||
| I'm going to buy the CD because I liked it so much. | ||
| I'm going to become a fan of this band because I downloaded their shit for free. | ||
| Is that really going to help you with this guy, with his movie? | ||
| I mean, when's his next movie? | ||
| A fucking year from now or something like that? | ||
| I mean, are you really going to be excited to go see his next work? | ||
| Is it advertise him? | ||
| Does he get anything out of you stealing his shit? | ||
| It depends if he was how good this movie is and how good of a director he is. | ||
| If he was Quentin Tarantino doing Pulp Fiction and I downloaded that, I'd be like, holy shit, I'm buying that shit on Blu-ray. | ||
| I'm following. | ||
| I'm watching every movie this guy does. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, I see that argument. | ||
| Or you might just decide to steal his next shit. | ||
| Like, oh, his next shit's coming out. | ||
| Like, you really, do you support them? | ||
| Do you do that? | ||
| Like, if you download something and you like it, do you support the artist? | ||
| Absolutely, absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, I do too. | ||
| I think that's important, man. | ||
| It doesn't happen quite as often that it should, though, I don't think. | ||
| Do you do that with movies? | ||
| Like, if you download a movie and you really like it, do you buy it? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, totally, totally. | ||
| Beowulf was one of them. | ||
| I downloaded Beowulf and I'm going to go to the back of the corner. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| What if you have a legal copy in your house and then you also have an illegal copy on your computer? | ||
| It should cancel it out, but I don't think that's how it works. | ||
| It should totally, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should be able to have a copy as long as you're not putting it up on some sites or something like that. | ||
| If you have your own copy, what the fuck is wrong with that? | ||
| Yeah, you know, it would be cool. | ||
| It's like if you got in trouble and they're like, all right, you're going to go to court for $100,000, but you have 24 hours to buy this movie on DVD. | ||
| Yeah, that's actually a good move, right? | ||
| That's a great move. | ||
| Just sue everybody, but you have to buy it on Blu-ray in 24 hours. | ||
| It's a tricky argument, man. | ||
| It's a tricky argument because, you know, what's going on on the internet now is that anything can be broken down to ones and zeros. | ||
| I mean, these images, these videos, these song files, these audio files, it's all just ones and zeros flying through the tubes. | ||
| And anybody can put it up there and anybody can pull it down. | ||
| And when you can convert a movie and you do all the time into something digital that's downloadable, it's like, how the fuck do you control that? | ||
| You have to just hope that you make enough money when the movie's out and that enough people get excited about it to buy the DVD for all the extra features and all that shit. | ||
| But then people take the DVDs after they're released and they put those up. | ||
| What I don't get is a friend of ours actually just got a letter from their ISP saying that ABC has caught them for downloading a bunch. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| That ABC has caught them for downloading a bunch of shit. | ||
| And they're like, this is just a warning. | ||
| Nothing's happening right now. | ||
| But we just wanted to let you know that ABC sent us this letter and they know about you downloading. | ||
| So chill the fuck out. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| But what's crazy is it wasn't anything. | ||
| It was TV shows. | ||
| Free TV. | ||
| It was like lost and stuff like that. | ||
| It wasn't even a movie. | ||
| So, but was he downloading it illegally? | ||
| Yeah, he was downloading them illegally. | ||
| I'm not supposed to do that because they have their own sites and there's pay services. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I just thought it was crazy that they caught him for something free instead of like him getting caught for like avatar. | ||
| And did he do this through BitTorrent? | ||
| Is that how he did it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, and they busted him. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But see, you know, he's one of those guys. | ||
| Yeah, but you know, he's one of those guys. | ||
| I don't know if you do this either. | ||
| But he's one of those guys that downloads a movie and then keeps it seeding for like two months. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's probably what they caught him doing. | ||
| They probably caught him seeding the video. | ||
| Yeah, so that's why they caught him. | ||
| But see, but I am one of those guys, once I download a seconds download, delete torrent file, you know, and just. | ||
| I wonder how many people do that. | ||
| Like, they look at their shit and they go, okay, where were all these coming from? | ||
| They're coming from this one. | ||
| And what is this guy doing? | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
| He's put up all these things that we have, and it's coming from this one user. | ||
| Let's find out who this ISP belongs to. | ||
| I think a lot of people don't even know how to use the torrent system. | ||
| So you get a lot of young kids or moms that are downloading Sex in the City, and they just keep the torrent going for life. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
| They get your IP from that, or they find out your ISP? | ||
| Your ISP is your internet service provider, and the internet protocol is your specific number that everyone that gets online, if you don't know this, you have a very specific number. | ||
| It could be static or it could fluctuate. | ||
| It could fluctuate if you have dial-up. | ||
| Like every time you do it, you get a different IP, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So what it is, it's these movie places putting out their own torrents and seeds and collecting IP addresses from, like, they'll put their own movies out. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they put their movie out on purpose to see if you download it? | ||
| I think that's one of their ways they are doing it. | ||
| Dude, that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard of. | ||
| That's like, that should be... | ||
| I think that's a lot of it, though, is a lot of it is if you download, like I downloaded an Eminem CD once, and it was like all these songs were loops. | ||
| And I think it was like, there's like bait, you know. | ||
| So they put out shitty versions of it. | ||
| Well, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Didn't Madonna put out one? | ||
| I wish I got a hold of that one. | ||
| I would love to see that. | ||
| Because Madonna put out one where it was like her music, like her new CD. | ||
| And she's like, if you Fucking download music, I'll kick your ass. | ||
| Something crazy about that. | ||
| If you download music illegally, I'll kick your ass. | ||
| That to me sounds like you know, just the fact that they're doing that, putting out bogus versions of it or versions of their shit where they can track you from, you know, that sound, and that's that's that's ridiculous. | ||
| They're just trying to arrest people and scare people now. | ||
| I think that's dumb. | ||
| I think putting out versions of it to track people, like really, that's like, that's like you're putting out the bait. | ||
| You're putting it out there, you know, even if people are already downloading it, you're actually putting it out there hoping people will do things illegally with it. | ||
| But it's out there because of you. | ||
| That seems to me to be fucked up. | ||
| There's a funny story, man, about these undercover cops that arrested other undercover cops. | ||
| There was this whole drug deal that was set up between these undercover cops that were posing as drug dealers and these other undercover cops that were posing as buyers to the drugs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And these fucking dummies, they went to arrest each other. | ||
| That's so awesome. | ||
| Man, I want to see that on video. | ||
| They're both undercover. | ||
| I don't know what state it's in. | ||
| I want to download that. | ||
| The Irdell County. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| I should find out just so everybody knows. | ||
| But the story is that these guys, they went to their superiors and they said, hey, we're about to make a bust. | ||
| Oh, North Carolina. | ||
| They're about to make this bust. | ||
| So they said they wanted to find out if they had anybody else, if somebody had anybody working undercover. | ||
| And they always say no to that shit because they could be dirty cops and the dirty cops could pay off drug dealers. | ||
| So the drug dealers find out that these guys are undercover and they kill them. | ||
| So they always say no. | ||
| Do you have anybody undercover? | ||
| No. | ||
| So they say, okay, they're not undercovers. | ||
| We've approved it. | ||
| Let's arrest them. | ||
| So they use all these resources and the whole thing is them. | ||
| They're the drug dealer. | ||
| They're the drug buyer. | ||
| They're fake drug dealers and fake drug buyers arresting each other. | ||
| We should get that money back. | ||
| We should find out how much that costs to do all that that you just did. | ||
| That's like a Roscoe Pico thing, you know? | ||
| That's a ridiculous cluster fuck. | ||
| That's one of the dumbest cluster fucks of all time. | ||
| Undercover cops arresting undercover cops. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| What's hilarious is that volcano, it's like taking all those planes and grounding planes. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, yeah, still, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what's great is Lindsay Lohan was out of town and she's supposed to like finish all these alcohol classes by like tomorrow. | ||
| And she's just like had four more to do. | ||
| And she was going to come back today and like do like four classes in one day. | ||
| She got grounded because of that. | ||
| So now she's going to jail. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She's going to go to jail because she had to be here for that? | ||
| She's supposed to be here tomorrow and she's supposed to have had all these classes done and she can't even get home to do it. | ||
| So they're saying there's that many planes are still being grounded because of that volcano. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking by the way, when I was in Portland, how crazy was it driving down the highway seeing that Mount whatever? | ||
| Rushmore. | ||
| Rushmore. | ||
| What's the one? | ||
| What's the one that blew up? | ||
| Fuji? | ||
| No. | ||
| Mount St. Helens, you found it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Mount St. Helens. | ||
| So it's so crazy seeing that thing in the middle, just this huge volcano. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| People died from that one, right? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| They had to do it. | ||
| Is that in Oregon or is that in Washington State? | ||
| Mount St. Helens is in Washington State. | ||
| But you can see it? | ||
| Yeah, well, we're on the corner of. | ||
| I guess Portland and Washington is like right next to each other. | ||
| Because we were going to Washington over this bridge back and forth all day long. | ||
| I was watching a show on tsunamis. | ||
| We were talking about the Pacific Northwest and how many times over the last thousand years it's been jacked. | ||
| But civilization there is so recent, we don't even realize it. | ||
| Civilization on the Pacific Northwest of the United States has only been the last 300 years. | ||
| And less. | ||
| Before that, there was Indians, of course, but I'm talking like big buildings and shit. | ||
| So the cycle of them getting hit by giant tsunamis, I mean, it happens every thousand years or so. | ||
| The whole side of the country gets hit with some fucking 1,000-foot-high wave and everything gets crushed. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I guess what would Tyler Durden do.com? | ||
| I looked up flights and there's tons of flights still going on. | ||
| So she was lying. | ||
| So she's just fucked even more. | ||
| Oh, the dirty bitch. | ||
| She's probably doing coke and didn't want to fly. | ||
| Lindsay can't get a fly. | ||
| It's lying. | ||
| Sources say she can't get a flight back to the States because of the volcanic ash from Iceland. | ||
| Airports all over Europe are jam-packed and it's impossible to get a seat is what she's saying. | ||
| But Delta has five non-stop flights from Paris to New York City. | ||
| And I guess they just went through and found all these flights. | ||
| So the flights, not only there are flights, but they're not booked? | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| What does Tyler Durden do? | ||
| What would Tyler Durden do? | ||
| He says that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The whole thing is very funny that people even give a shit. | ||
| Follow this poor young kid that's all fucked up on drugs. | ||
| And everybody thinks it's a funny deal. | ||
| Do you know what you would be like if you were hot and you were Lindsey Lohan, you were 23 years old and you're a multi-multi-fucking millionaire just out there doing drugs, getting stuffed every night? | ||
| He'd be fucking crazy too. | ||
| Who the fuck would not be crazy? | ||
| I want to know what person could keep it together as Lindsey Lohan. | ||
| Who could? | ||
| Who could live that girl's life? | ||
| 23 fucking years old. | ||
| Looks like she's 40. | ||
| Been doing drugs since she was a little kid. | ||
| I mean, who could keep it together? | ||
| You know, became famous as like a child. | ||
| She went from basically from like junior high school to fucking superstardom. | ||
| Multi-millions of dollars, totally unrealistic life. | ||
| And the whole time we're supposed to be developing. | ||
| So you're supposed to be growing as a human being and figuring yourself out and being insecure and establishing yourself in the world. | ||
| The whole time that's all supposed to be happening, she's getting millions and millions of dollars for being famous and for pretending. | ||
| Who the fuck could do that and do it right? | ||
| The Jonas brothers, Miley Cyrus. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Those are ticking time bombs, my friend. | ||
| Those are guarantees. | ||
| Those are social guarantees. | ||
| No doubt they're going to be fucked up. | ||
| Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, neither one of them could stop from being fucked up. | ||
| Even together, they weren't strong enough, Brian. | ||
| Together. | ||
| Do you know he lived by me? | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| When he died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People were mourning him outside of this apartment down the street from me. | ||
| I'm like, oh, shit, he lived there there. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, that dude had it bad. | ||
| Drugs are a motherfucker. | ||
| People thought I looked like him growing up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I don't see it. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Don't see it. | ||
| Do you see it? | ||
| I did back in the day. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So, back to this fucking Miss America, because what I want to talk about is how many people are upset that this Miss America chick is Armenian, I guess. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Lebanese. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Armenians would be pissed right now. | ||
| If Carl Parisian was right here, bro. | ||
| Oh, bro. | ||
| You can't fucking say Lebanese and say Armenian, bro. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| But this chick, the most important thing is that she's American and she's hot as fuck. | ||
| Like, that's the dumbest thing ever. | ||
| You can't be from another country. | ||
| Your family can't be from an Arab country. | ||
| And you can't be considered an American just because we have issues with Arabs in other parts of the world. | ||
| Like, guess what? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Those aren't the same people. | ||
| Like, how dumb are people that that becomes an issue? | ||
| And that are people that are actually debating whether or not she got this job, she became Miss USA, because of political correctness and the open border Nazis. | ||
| Like, look at some of this shit that these people have said. | ||
| Like, this chick, right-wing pundit and Fox contributor, Michelle Malkin, ranted that the girl's name is Falki F-A-K-I-H. | ||
| I don't know how to say her name. | ||
| Faki's cheerleaders are too busy touting the identity politics horn to care what comes out of her mouth and that the Miss USA pageant didn't want to risk the wrath of the open borders mob. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| So you're saying that one of the other chicks should have won the Who I'd Most Like the Fuck contest, and you're upset that this chick won because the reason why she won is because everybody's super sensitive and wants to support Arabs? | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| Like, how dumb is it that even Miss USA becomes like a topic of debate with these fuckheads? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Like, a political correction topic of debate. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| She's fucking hot. | ||
| She can be a terrorist. | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| And she grew up going to Catholic school, man. | ||
| I mean, the whole thing is so fucking poorly researched. | ||
| And you're not even making any sense. | ||
| So you're saying that anybody, even someone who grows up and goes to Catholic school, they can't be on the team because somewhere in their past, there's someone who lives in some other part of the world and those people are still there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Is that how we're rolling in 2010? | ||
| I mean, America is a gigantic group of immigrants. | ||
| And this chick and her family, obviously, wherever they lived, sucked. | ||
| And that's why they came here. | ||
| And the fact that they would actually argue that she doesn't deserve to win the who I'd most like the fuck contest because of that. | ||
| I mean, if she was fat and disgusting, you know, if she was like some Susan Boyle looking chick and it was totally ridiculous, then I could see the argument. | ||
| But how the fuck could you argue that that chick's not hot? | ||
| You can't. | ||
| What else do you have to do to win Miss USA? | ||
| What is the... | ||
| Do you have to dance? | ||
| Do you have to talk? | ||
| What do you have to do? | ||
| I think you have like a bathing suit contest. | ||
| I think you have to do like some kind of like – He asked her about gay marriage. | ||
| So you have to talk. | ||
| I think you're only allowed to have small nipples. | ||
| You can't have the big areolas. | ||
| You have to have a certain breed look, kind of like a dog. | ||
| This other chick, Gretchen Carlson, a bunch of hating bitches. | ||
| Bunch of hating bitches and all on Fox News. | ||
| Fox News is awesome. | ||
| Why is Fox News still around? | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| They're awesome in their stupidity. | ||
| Did we already talk about why? | ||
| How is it that they are news? | ||
| How is it that they're allowed to call it news? | ||
| But how is it that they're so like that, but yet they have some of the most edgy cartoons and TV shows on their shows? | ||
| You know, like Simpsons and Family Guy, but yet their news is so like, you know, right wing. | ||
| Rupert Murdoch is super, super, super fucking rich. | ||
| And when you get that rich, there's only one way to be that rich. | ||
| The way to be that rich is, you know, you got to be a ruthless motherfucker businessman. | ||
| And that's what he is. | ||
| He's a ruthless motherfucker businessman. | ||
| And when you're like that and super shrewd and ruthless, you want conservative politics. | ||
| You want people that are protecting your money. | ||
| You want, you know, to be able to do things that are going to earn you money. | ||
| You don't want to have to hear about liberals and whininess and fucking environmental freaks and all these assholes that are going to stop you from making a good return this quarter. | ||
| And that's what it is. | ||
| When you get to be that super rich, very few guys are like Ted Turner that are that rich. | ||
| Ted Turner is like this humanitarian and is always giving you charities and very liberal. | ||
| And his network is thought of as a liberal network. | ||
| CNN is like the only, I mean, that's the one. | ||
| I guess MSNBC is pretty liberal too, right? | ||
| But watch him. | ||
| You don't watch any of those news shows? | ||
| Cartoon Network, and that's got it. | ||
| I like Fox News sometimes, man. | ||
| I like it just to know that there's people out there like that. | ||
| When I hear Bill O'Reilly and his fucking dumb smugness, I'm like, there's really a guy out there like that that is that satisfied with himself. | ||
| And he's his fucking dildo that got busted, leaving a message on his assistant's machine about how hot she is. | ||
| He's a total hypocrite. | ||
| He's a fucking creep. | ||
| And, you know, and yet he's somehow or another, he's found this niche on TV where people enjoy watching him, this niche. | ||
| Is that what you hang? | ||
| And these people enjoy watching this fucking buffoon rant and rave and yell at people who go on a show and have dissenting opinions. | ||
| Did you ever see that one where he went on about some kid whose parents died in 9-11 and he was saying that it was the kid was saying that this is Bush's fault and the reason why they're attacking us. | ||
| And he just fucking went off on the kid. | ||
| And the whole thing was just so dumb. | ||
| He kicked him out of there. | ||
| And it's like the way he has conversations, he's just fucking infantile. | ||
| And you got to wonder whether or not it's like, is he doing an act or is he that much of a douchebag? | ||
| Is it a combination of both? | ||
| And why the fuck is it so entertaining? | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like listening to Christian radio when you're driving. | ||
| Dude, a lot of people like that Bill O'Reilly guy. | ||
| I think this because there's a lot of douchebags out there and douchebags want to hear from other douchebags. | ||
| One of the things he had Richard Dawkins on, who's this renowned intellectual and atheist. | ||
| And he wrote The God Delusion and a couple other books about religion and he thinks that religion is bad. | ||
| And so he was saying to Richard Dawkins. | ||
| Now, you can't prove that God doesn't exist. | ||
| So I'm throwing in with God. | ||
| Like, he literally said it like that. | ||
| Like, you know, if it's true and there is a God, I'm throwing in with God. | ||
| You can't prove that there is no God. | ||
| Which is like, you can't prove there's no Cheshire Cat. | ||
| You can't prove there's no, there's nothing, you can't prove anything. | ||
| You can never not prove, you know, especially when it comes to things like people, like science has never disproven, you know, the existence of Christ. | ||
| You can't disprove someone's existence. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| Like, how the fuck do you know who existed and who didn't? | ||
| Science isn't there to disprove. | ||
| Science is there to show me some evidence. | ||
| If science finds evidence, then they examine the evidence. | ||
| That's what it's all about. | ||
| When there is no evidence and there's no way to determine one way or another, you can't disprove. | ||
| You could take something like the Shroud of Turin and they say, oh, this is Jesus' burial cloth. | ||
| It's sacred. | ||
| And then you could do, well, okay, let's take a little bit of this cloth and find out how old it is. | ||
| Oh, look, it's only 500 years old. | ||
| How could it be Jesus' cloth? | ||
| You disprove it that way. | ||
| He's fucking dummy. | ||
| So this guy, you know, has a huge presence on that network, and he's got, you know, he's got the number one show on cable when it comes to like those kind of stupid new shows. | ||
| It's a huge show. | ||
| And it's retarded. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| Don't watch it. | ||
| Is Nancy Grace on that? | ||
| Is she on CNN or is she on CNN? | ||
| Yeah, she's on CNN, right? | ||
| I don't know her. | ||
| She's brutal. | ||
| You know you fucked up if Nancy Grace is talking about you. | ||
| If Nancy Grace is talking about you, there's a dead baby or, you know, you drowned your wife or something, right? | ||
| It's something serious. | ||
| There's some serious shit. | ||
| And she will hawk on the same subjects for weeks, waiting for the next disaster to pop up in the news so she could switch gears. | ||
| She talked about Tiger Woods for two weeks. | ||
| Can you imagine being poor fucking Tiger Woods, just trying to tune in some CNN, find out what's going on in the world? | ||
| And you got that hatchet-faced old cunt just talking shit about you for two weeks. | ||
| Like you would have figured, well, she talked about me yesterday, she's done. | ||
| No chance, dude. | ||
| She's not done. | ||
| She's not done for weeks. | ||
| She's going to keep going. | ||
| Tiger Woods. | ||
| Is she the blonde hair girl? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She ain't a girl. | ||
| She ain't a girl. | ||
| She's a woman. | ||
| Blonde hair hole. | ||
| She's a woman. | ||
| She's an older woman. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, not that much older, but she's older. | ||
| That's one thing that Fox News does well. | ||
| They put on a bunch of hot chicks. | ||
| They're some hot bitches. | ||
| Hot, angry, mean bitches. | ||
| Fox local news. | ||
| No, I'm talking about Fox News, period. | ||
| No, all Fox News. | ||
| Like, the Fox Local News, they're straight-up hookers. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Talk to me. | ||
| Tell me what's going on. | ||
| Dude, I have collected a bunch of clips about the local Fox News channel. | ||
| And not only does the weatherman dance, like, every time he's given the weather, he does like a straight-up dance. | ||
| Like, he's dancing. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty hilarious. | ||
| I guess they're on my Facebook. | ||
| I can't see. | ||
| Yeah, you sent one. | ||
| You put one of those on the message board. | ||
| On the message board. | ||
| And it's funny because I have to do it. | ||
| He dances every time he does the weather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then like, they're down with that. | ||
| Why not, right? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Let him fucking dance. | ||
| But it's so funny how bad it is. | ||
| Like, there was the other day something like, it's going to be wet outside there. | ||
| You know a lot about wet, don't you, Tina? | ||
| And she's like, oh, that's disgusting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's like, what? | |
| They go there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was just like, are you really serious? | ||
| Have you seen that video clip where the black guy is sitting with these three white chicks and they're talking about some new Graftenberg spot shot? | ||
| It's like a shot of collagen. | ||
| They shoot inside a chick's pussy. | ||
| With a needle, they jab her fucking snatch and stuff this liquid up there. | ||
| And apparently it makes sex feel better. | ||
| It makes the enhances the G-spot. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And so they do this whole thing. | ||
| And the black guy goes, well, so I guess she's enjoying penis now more. | ||
| Like he said that. | ||
| And all three chicks were like, oh, yeah, okay. | ||
| Yes, she's enjoying sexual relations again. | ||
| Like, you know, she tried to somehow or another clean it up. | ||
| Even though he used the right terminology. | ||
| I mean, he used the medical terminology, and he didn't say anything really inappropriate. | ||
| I mean, that's what sexual intercourse is, right? | ||
| She's enjoying his penis. | ||
| But somehow under the fact that he mentioned it, it was like he said fucking candyman three times or something, you know? | ||
| So and she enjoys penis. | ||
| And he's black too. | ||
| And so there's this black dude with probably a half a heart on and three white chicks talking about their G-spots getting pumped up. | ||
| I bet he fucks them anyway. | ||
| That's probably what's going on. | ||
| He's probably trying to keep it together, but really he fucks all three of them. | ||
| Ladies, let's talk about what happened on the air today. | ||
| Why don't you meet in my locker room? | ||
| They go in his dressing room. | ||
| He's got candles lit and shit and pulls out that big black fucking snake. | ||
| And they all just go ass-to-mouth with him. | ||
| I don't like when you talk about cock while you're staring at me. | ||
| You're like looking deep. | ||
| I wouldn't be staring at you if you weren't looking away uncomfortably. | ||
| I'm watching it on the webcam and I'm like, oh my God, he's getting really close to me. | ||
| Is that not the worst thing that can ever happen when your chick breaks up with you, starts getting drilled by a black guy? | ||
| There could be a lot of good scenarios. | ||
| For a lot of dudes, man, that black male equals just sexual prowess that you will not reach. | ||
| They equal big black dick and just athleticism and just gorilla fucking your woman. | ||
| Just doing it right. | ||
| Doing things to her that you can't do. | ||
| She's going to like it. | ||
| She's going to love it. | ||
| She's going to get addicted to that. | ||
| She's getting stuffed. | ||
| You're just going to stick your little fucking three-quarter hard, sad, little depressed boner in there and thinking about going to therapy. | ||
| And maybe I should take antidepressants. | ||
| Maybe I just need to start yoga and jogging. | ||
| He's not thinking about that. | ||
| He's got a big, giant, black, hard monster dick. | ||
| And she's so fucking wet. | ||
| She can't believe how wet she is. | ||
| She's just, she's leaving a big puddle under her. | ||
| Her DNA is crying for that big, giant dick. | ||
| He's fucking the shit out of her. | ||
| And he ignores her and doesn't call her. | ||
| And so she gets sad. | ||
| And so she calls you up. | ||
| And I'm sorry, what happened? | ||
| It was a lot of it. | ||
| It was my fault. | ||
| And, you know, I just, we don't have to, look, I know we can never be together again, but could we just talk? | ||
| Could we just get together and talk? | ||
| And you're like, hey, what's the harm? | ||
| I ain't got shit to do tonight. | ||
| And you go over her house. | ||
| And next thing you know, you're on the couch together. | ||
| You start making out. | ||
| And she grabs your dick and she starts kissing you. | ||
| And she squeezes your dick a little bit. | ||
| Like she's looking for more. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| Where's the rest? | ||
| Is this what it? | ||
| And she stops. | ||
| And then she goes, We shouldn't do this. | ||
| She goes, We shouldn't do this. | ||
| And then you look over on her nightstand. | ||
| There's this fucking hulking black guy in a picture frame. | ||
| That guy that's been delivering the dick to her for the past few weeks. | ||
| And you just go, who's that? | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| Can't they take nothing fix that nowadays? | ||
| Isn't there technology to fix that like a gas pump? | ||
| They haven't fixed that. | ||
| Can you take like an ankle out of your foot or something? | ||
| To grow your dick? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They cannot fix dicks. | ||
| They can't extend it. | ||
| They can take something out of your butt and put it in there. | ||
| You know what they can do, though? | ||
| They can make a fake dick if you're a chick. | ||
| Apparently, Chassity Bono, who used to be shit when she is still Cher's daughter, but now she's a boy because she went through a sexual reassignment and they give her a bunch of hormones and they make her a dick. | ||
| But I don't think it feels the same. | ||
| I don't think it shoots loads. | ||
| What's gross is when they take the dick and make it a pussy where they split it out like an apple. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| Or what's that, China? | ||
| You really have... | ||
| You want to switch to a girl part. | ||
| You're embarrassed. | ||
| You really wish you were a woman. | ||
| Do you think that they really are women trapped in men's bodies? | ||
| Or I do believe that. | ||
| But what about the possibility that throughout their life, they've just experienced so much sorrow and so much stress and so many fucked up situations and so much trauma in their life. | ||
| And on top of that, they're probably gay and they're probably, or at the very least, bisexual. | ||
| Their orientation naturally. | ||
| So it's like this natural sexual orientation that leans towards homosexuality and massive depression and craziness. | ||
| And they just decide that they want to be a girl. | ||
| That's possible too, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Too much Edoname. | ||
| Edamame. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's either or. | ||
| I don't think it's either or rather. | ||
| I don't think there's any one scenario. | ||
| But I think with some people, they become, you know, it's a man who becomes a woman just because they're fucked up. | ||
| And when they're the people. | ||
| They're not getting laid either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they're full. | ||
| They'll just get some dicks from me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trick people. | ||
| And then from others, I think others are just, you know, that's, they're just, I mean, look, there's a broad spectrum of human behavior. | ||
| It's very, very, very, very, very likely to me that somehow or another, just someone gets a wacky gene and they just, shit, why don't I have a vagina? | ||
| You know, what the fuck? | ||
| They just, they have this feeling like they're missing something because they have a penis. | ||
| But that's a goddamn commitment. | ||
| That is a goddamn commitment. | ||
| I don't remember what the movie was, but there was some movie where this guy and a tranny were yelling at each other, you know, and she's like, and the tranny was yelling at the guy, and the guy goes, you don't even have a dick anymore. | ||
| You're so fucking stupid. | ||
| You chopped off your dick. | ||
| And she's like, I didn't chop off my dick. | ||
| I fucking turned it into a pussy. | ||
| And the guy's like, that's not a pussy. | ||
| That's a dick. | ||
| That's a dick that's been cut in half. | ||
| What movie was that? | ||
| Yeah, what was that? | ||
| I don't remember, but we're paraphrasing, obviously, because I don't remember where it came from. | ||
| Some movie or something. | ||
| But goddamn, that's got to burn. | ||
| Those words, you don't even have a dick. | ||
| You chopped your dick off. | ||
| Yay, yi-yay! | ||
| There was a guy who was a ladyboy in Thailand and was kicking a lot of ass. | ||
| It was a Thai boxer. | ||
| And he would go out there, a lot of ladyboys in Thailand, apparently. | ||
| And this guy was a Thai boxer. | ||
| He would go out there and fuck dudes up. | ||
| And he was a ladyboy. | ||
| He would wear fucking dresses and shit. | ||
| But it was a dude who would get in there and throw down and fuck guys up. | ||
| He was a badass Muay Thai fighter. | ||
| But then he went to the operation and he got his balls removed. | ||
| And when he got his balls removed, that's a wrap, son. | ||
| No more testosterone, baby. | ||
| The flow stops completely. | ||
| And he shriveled up and got all woman-like and started getting fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know how many fights he had as a woman, an actual woman, after they took his balls off. | ||
| But once they took his balls off, he was useless. | ||
| They beat the shit out of that fool. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Well, that's what makes you a man. | ||
| When you get ball cancer and stuff like that, you automatically start getting more woman-like? | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| You know, I think with some guys, they wind up supplementing the testosterone because their balls don't work. | ||
| I've heard of bodybuilders having to do that. | ||
| Like, bodybuilders get to a point where they shoot so much test into their body that their balls just shut down for life. | ||
| Their balls won't come back. | ||
| So they have to give themselves testosterone shots. | ||
| I was watching that China porn the other day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I was looking for a video and it just happened to come up and I was like, oh, I forgot about this video. | ||
| Did you do that? | ||
| That's like that Mexican drug dealer getting his head cut off. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Same thing to me. | ||
| She has a huge dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a dick. | ||
| It's a dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's what I was saying. | ||
| They can grow you a dick and when they give you testosterone, your clit grows to the size of a thumb. | ||
| It grows big. | ||
| Like, how big would you think? | ||
| Her dick is like two inches long. | ||
| Yeah, it was pretty big. | ||
| It was like a thumb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like two inches long, right? | ||
| She had a pierce, too, if I remember. | ||
| Oh, no, she didn't. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She did, if I remember. | ||
| Dude, she was on Fear Factor, and she completed this stunt. | ||
| And after she completed this stunt, she flexed and she goes, who's the man? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yes, she did. | ||
| It's a ringtone right there. | ||
| Yeah, she said, who's the man? | ||
| What? | ||
| Bitch, are you crazy? | ||
| How crazy are you? | ||
| Would you have sex with her? | ||
| If I had to? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, if I lived in Michigan or some shit. | ||
| Standards lower. | ||
| You know, like you lived at Ohio, you had lower standards, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which happens. | ||
| Lived in Portland, your standards would drop, son. | ||
| Oh, dude, Portland would be impossible. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You want to fuck a chick with hairy legs? | ||
| Sure, I'd shave them, but that wasn't even. | ||
| You could shave them first before you fuck her. | ||
| Yeah, that wasn't even the problem, though. | ||
| There wasn't even hot chicks with hairy legs. | ||
| It was no chicks. | ||
| It was fucking weird. | ||
| There was no Mexicans or blacks. | ||
| What if she refused to let you shave her legs? | ||
| What if she's like, listen, you have to accept me as I am? | ||
| Can you think you could fuck a chick? | ||
| Or would you go Olivia Newton John on her and make her put legworms on? | ||
| I guess I don't mind too much if it's like light hair, but like dark hair, like what's that precious chick? | ||
| Her legs just make me want to fucking throw shit at her. | ||
| Monique. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just want to throw shit at her. | ||
| You want to throw shit at her? | ||
| Like a monkey. | ||
| What the fuck's wrong with you? | ||
| Splatter of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It looks like tree trunks, too. | |
| And her fucking husband that's just like, I like this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sure, you do, dude. | ||
| You just like not working. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You just like that Monique makes money. | ||
| You're ridiculous. | ||
| Well, who knows, man? | ||
| We're talking shit. | ||
| Everybody likes everything. | ||
| There's people that like things. | ||
| But man, if your girl doesn't shave her legs, what does she do with her pussy in her butthole? | ||
| That's the question. | ||
| What kind of a fucking environmental hazard is that thing? | ||
| What kind of a wasteland? | ||
| What kind of odiferous reaction are you going to get when you get near her panties? | ||
| Oh, the funk of the 1970s of a fucking just animal hair. | ||
| Just fur and butthole and the inability to completely clean everything because there's hair all around your butthole. | ||
| So every time you're fucking her, just a slight smell of shit every single time. | ||
| Especially when sweat starts dripping down there and those big fat meaty thighs start heating up and body wants to cool them down. | ||
| That perspiration drips down to her butthole and it just wafts up some fresh new fumes. | ||
| And it's pussy funk and old butthole hairs and fucking toilet paper dingle berries and your nuts slapping against it all and just like your fan in the fires. | ||
| And then right when you're about to bust a nut, you look down at her hairy feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And your dick goes soft. | ||
| And her china dick. | ||
| And you got to close your eyes and plug your nose at the same time and try to regain your bow. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Remember that striped club? | ||
| Yep, pussy's got to be so gross. | ||
| Did we ever talk about that? | ||
| When we're at the strip club and I thought the young chick was behind me and I was so drunk that. | ||
| Which strip club is it? | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| This is like 2001 in Brian's defense. | ||
| This is a long, long time ago. | ||
| We were at a strip club and Brian was hammered and there was a woman who sat next to Brian and Brian started making out with this woman. | ||
| Let's first talk about it. | ||
| There was a cute waitress that Brian was flirting with. | ||
| This is what happened first. | ||
| There was this cute waitress that Brian was flirting with and she was coming talking to him and she gave him a drink and she said, I'll be back to talk to you in a minute. | ||
| And Brian was so shit-faced that he leaned back and closed his eyes and this haggard old wizard woman, this witch, this bitch just appeared out of nowhere. | ||
| And the whole deal. | ||
| She just attacked me or something. | ||
| Like, yeah, like in her 50s, okay, and not like well-kept. | ||
| Like ragged, ragged in her 50s with bad tattoos and a cut-off shirt, like where her stomach was exposed. | ||
| And there's stretch marks from the 1930s on that fucking weathered old leather saddle of a stomach. | ||
| And her voice was cigarette. | ||
| Oh, just stinky breath. | ||
| She didn't have all her teeth either, man. | ||
| She was missing a couple of teeth. | ||
| I mean, it was ridiculous. | ||
| So she sat down next to Brian, and Brian leans up against her like this. | ||
| And when Brian leans up against her, she grabs his head and he turns towards her and they start making out. | ||
| I thought it was the waitress. | ||
| And I'm like, I got to get this fucking kid out of here. | ||
| How drunk is he? | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| Like, this bitch just saw him hammered. | ||
| And by the way, we're at a table. | ||
| We're at a private little table. | ||
| So we didn't know her. | ||
| She just came over and sat down at our table and no one knew her. | ||
| And she just came over, sat down. | ||
| Like she's like a monster. | ||
| And she saw a victim. | ||
| And she saw that he was weak. | ||
| She saw that he was like so sloshed. | ||
| He couldn't keep his shit together and he was leaning back. | ||
| And when he like closed his eyes and leaned his head back, she just moved in for the kill. | ||
| She made the physical contact and he didn't know. | ||
| He thought it was the girl. | ||
| And she had an arm on him like this. | ||
| So he just responded to the physical contact thinking that it was his hot waitress. | ||
| Next thing you know, they're tonguing each other. | ||
| Oh, and you have it on video too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I got it on video somewhere. | ||
| Don't fuck around, son. | ||
| We both have shit on each other. | ||
| So he's tonguing this chick, and then he looks at her, and he looks at her, and he goes like this. | ||
| In the middle of it, in the middle of it, he goes, he looks at her, and then he just turns away, and she's like touching his face and everything. | ||
| And he just goes like this. | ||
| I got to go to the bathroom. | ||
| And you get up and go to the bathroom, and she got up and walked away. | ||
| And you came back and you go, did I make out with that old lady? | ||
| And we were like, what the fuck was that about? | ||
| You go, dude, I thought it was the waitress. | ||
| I totally thought it was the waitress. | ||
| Like, oh, why didn't you stop me? | ||
| I'm like, we couldn't stop you. | ||
| How the fuck are we going to stop you? | ||
| She sat down next to you. | ||
| You leaned towards her. | ||
| And that bitch just planned it perfectly. | ||
| How many times has she done that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But the next morning when I was driving her back to her hotel. | ||
| She never moved in again, right? | ||
| She realized that you realized that she was. | ||
| Yeah, I think she took off right after. | ||
| That was her thing. | ||
| You freaked her out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you freaked out. | ||
| And she was like, what the fuck did I do? | ||
| She realized that she had tricked some poor young man. | ||
| Dude, this is how gross it was that the chair I was on at a strip club was a cloth chair, and I wanted to scrape the taste off my tongue. | ||
| So I started licking and dragging my tongue on the chair of a strip club to get the taste of her mouth off of my tongue. | ||
| It was that bad. | ||
| Why didn't you just use liquor? | ||
| I don't wash it. | ||
| It was just like, oh, you were so horrified. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| It didn't even seem real. | ||
| It seemed like you were punking us, like you were doing a sketch, like you had hired this actress to come in to make out with you just to freak us out. | ||
| I remember looking at your guys' faces and you were recording me for one. | ||
| I'm like, why are they recording me? | ||
| That's kind of rude. | ||
| But then you guys were all freaking out. | ||
| And I'm like, I just remember then looking at her, like backing up a little and looking at her. | ||
| What an awesome strategy on her part. | ||
| She recognized that you were ripe for the taking. | ||
| She smelled blood in the water and she just plopped herself right next to you. | ||
| It's a great goddamn story. | ||
| I actually deleted it. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I told you I would delete it. | ||
| You were freaking out. | ||
| Dude, whatever. | ||
| You have that in your private section? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have a private story. | |
| I did the fleshlight out of it. | ||
| You were freaked out. | ||
| The next day, you were like, will you please delete that? | ||
| I said, I'll delete it. | ||
| I'll delete it. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| I showed it to you, though. | ||
| I remember I showed it to you, and you really didn't watch it. | ||
| You watched it for like a couple seconds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You went, no! | |
| God, I hate that. | ||
| You just tightened up and looked away. | ||
| Dude, that's the worst feeling the next day when you wake up friend being drunk, and you're like, oh, it is the worst feeling. | ||
| Slap on the forehead. | ||
| Well, how about like Eddie Bravo? | ||
| When he, you know, he gets really hammered. | ||
| There's like a couple times a year, like two or three times a year, well, he will not remember the night. | ||
| He really does not know what happened. | ||
| You're talking about it's like every week at least. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think it's every week that he. | ||
| He blacks out a lot, dude. | ||
| I don't know how many times he blacks out. | ||
| When you ask him, he says it's a few times a year. | ||
| I believe him. | ||
| Maybe sometimes he forgets he blacks out. | ||
| Yeah, he blacks out about the blacking out. | ||
| The best Eddie Bravo blackout story, I told this in my blog. | ||
| This is a total true story. | ||
| It was like 8 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| Our car was picking us up at 9. | ||
| We were in Germany. | ||
| And I get up because I'm going to get some breakfast. | ||
| So I call Eddie to see if he wants to get some breakfast. | ||
| And he goes, what's up? | ||
| That's how he answers the phone. | ||
| I go, what's up? | ||
| I go, are you drunk? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, hell yeah. | |
| It's 8 in the fucking morning. | ||
| And he's hammered. | ||
| So I go, okay, dude, I go, our car is going to get us in like an hour. | ||
| Are you going to be ready? | ||
| He goes, dude, I'm ready. | ||
| I'm just going to power through. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| I'm ready. | ||
| So I go, all right, all right. | ||
| I'll see you in an hour. | ||
| I'm going to get some breakfast. | ||
| So I go and get some breakfast. | ||
| Hour goes by. | ||
| I call him. | ||
| He's not answering. | ||
| I call his hotel room, not answering. | ||
| I have someone go and knock on his door, not answering. | ||
| He's not in his fucking room. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| And I'm like, did he never come home? | ||
| Did he get lost? | ||
| What the fuck is happening? | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| So I'm calling him. | ||
| He's not answering. | ||
| I go outside and I said, well, let me just throw my luggage in the car. | ||
| So I say to the valet guy, I go, there's a car here for Rogan. | ||
| And he goes, Joe Rogan? | ||
| And I go, yeah, that's my worst German accent ever. | ||
| Joe is German. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What was that? | ||
| That's Indian or something. | ||
| Joe Rogan? | ||
| Joe Rogan. | ||
| Joe Rogan. | ||
| Now I'm Colonel Klink. | ||
| Anyway, this fucking guy, he goes, Joe Rogan. | ||
| He goes, Joe Rogan just left. | ||
| I go, no, no, no, I'm Joe Rogan. | ||
| He goes, no, a guy said he was Joe Rogan and got in your limo and left. | ||
| I said, what does he look like? | ||
| He goes, long hair and tattoos. | ||
| I'm like, that motherfucker. | ||
| Because I knew it was Eddie, right? | ||
| There's not that many long-haired tattooed dudes in Germany, right? | ||
| It's like, fuck. | ||
| So I call him up and he answers the phone. | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| You're in my fucking car. | ||
| What? | ||
| And he's looking at his watch and he goes, sir, where are we right now? | ||
| And the driver says, we're on our way to the airport. | ||
| He goes, I guess we're on our way to the airport. | ||
| I go, come back and get me. | ||
| And he goes, how close are we to the airport? | ||
| He goes, five minutes. | ||
| He goes, dude, I go, how long you been in the car for? | ||
| He had been in the car for an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's like an hour ride. | ||
| Was he sleeping? | ||
| He went, he got, like, when I got off the phone with him at 8 in the morning, he went down there. | ||
| The car was already there. | ||
| Just told the guy he was me, got in the car, and woke up like an hour into the drive on the way to the airport. | ||
| Woke up without any memory of the night whatsoever. | ||
| Woke up in the car with his phone ringing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He literally, oh my good, old man. | |
| He literally had no idea what happened. | ||
| He doesn't remember a fucking thing about the night. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| How terrifying must that be? | ||
| To have like some like just like litter of behavior around you and you don't even know what you did. | ||
| Like you created all these problems and caused all these people to get all fucking angry at you and shit. | ||
| You don't even know what happened. | ||
| You were just shit-faced. | ||
| Blacked out. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| And then he had to get on a flight, like a really long-ass flight all the way back home with that hangover. | ||
| It's like fucking 11 hours from Germany. | ||
| Being drunk and hungover on a plane is probably the worst thing ever. | ||
| And I hate it so much. | ||
| Is it though? | ||
| Because you just sleep. | ||
| What's the big deal? | ||
| Is it harder? | ||
| Is it really like, do you feel like you're at high altitude when you're on a plane? | ||
| Obviously, you're at high altitude, but the cabin is pressurized. | ||
| Is there the same amount of oxygen there is if you're at high altitude? | ||
| Obviously not, because like when you're at 30,000 feet, that's like Mount Everest. | ||
| Like you could fucking die up there. | ||
| There's no oxygen. | ||
| So that's a stupid question. | ||
| All right, so there's obviously way more oxygen than at 30,000 feet. | ||
| That was a dumb question. | ||
| I can't even believe I asked it. | ||
| I blame the weed. | ||
| But when you're in a plane, does your hangover feel any worse? | ||
| To me, it always does. | ||
| And it's usually, well, of course, I have acid reflex and all this shit that's fucking with me, so maybe it's worse for you. | ||
| You got a gremlin in your ass all side. | ||
| I got a gremlin in my belly. | ||
| Belly. | ||
| Yeah, there's something about planes, man. | ||
| Even if you sleep on a plane, even if you go and you come back, there's something about just getting up there, traveling, and coming back that leaves you feeling fucked up. | ||
| You just definitely feel a little off. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What is a plane doing? | ||
| I think it's the change of pressure. | ||
| The pressure? | ||
| I mean, is it just getting in this tube with recycled oxygen and everybody's breathing their own air? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I don't think it's that because I actually saw a report saying that that recycled air is some of the best air and it's actually just like an old wise tale that it's bad for you. | ||
| It's actually the filtering system in those planes are so amazing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So what the fuck is it that makes you so tired from flying? | ||
| Because that shit jacks you, dude. | ||
| There's no getting around it. | ||
| It jacks you. | ||
| You know, what I always like to do when I land somewhere, if I have the time, I always have a hard workout. | ||
| One hard workout seems to reset everything. | ||
| But if you don't have that hard workout, man, you're going to be fucked up for a couple of days. | ||
| It takes like a couple of days to feel normal again. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| You know, I was thinking about this the other day. | ||
| It's kind of on subject, but about workouts, where you say, like, how, you know, how you can't even imagine. | ||
| Like, to me, when I forget who it is, Jimmy Kimmel was talking about this the other day where he's, when he gets done working out, he does not feel great. | ||
| He feels awful. | ||
| He wants to go sleep. | ||
| He feels sad. | ||
| He hates it and stuff like that. | ||
| But when you work out, you have the exact opposite feeling. | ||
| You feel like, fuck yeah, you know, you're fired up and you feel great and like a natural. | ||
| I am like Jimmy Kimmel, though. | ||
| Like when I work out, I'm not happy. | ||
| I'm like miserable after I work out. | ||
| Well, why do you think that is? | ||
| There'd be two reasons for that. | ||
| One, because you're out of shape and working out is painful. | ||
| And then the recovery is even more painful. | ||
| No, but even when I was inner shape, better in shape, and I would work out, I never have a lot of shit. | ||
| Were you ever in really good shape? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've been in shape a couple times in my life, like pretty good shape. | ||
| So were you working out and you feel like I was working out every day, you know, six days a week, five days a week. | ||
| But when you're working out, like, what kind of exercise are you doing? | ||
| How much exercise are you doing? | ||
| Like, 45 minutes to an hour of cardio, and then like 10, 10, 15 minutes of that. | ||
| Was my prime, was 45 minutes. | ||
| Are you like really fucking sweating and heaving and hovering? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I never, never enjoyed it. | ||
| And always hated it after it was done. | ||
| You don't have a runner's high when it's over? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| See, I was just wondering, like, because like I've heard you talk about it before, and then Kimmel was talking about it, how it is the exact opposite for him. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, that's the same way. | ||
| Well, no one can tell you how your body works. | ||
| Everybody's body has its own different thing. | ||
| Everybody's body works differently at different levels of efficiency. | ||
| And some people's bodies need extreme amounts of exertion. | ||
| They need exercise. | ||
| And mine could be because I grew up doing it. | ||
| Because my whole life, I mean, there's never been a time in my life, except like in between surgeries, there's never been a time in my life where I didn't have some sort of extreme exertion, whether it's kickboxing or jiu-jitsu or lifting weights or boxing for a while. | ||
| Everything was always just explosion. | ||
| My body's always been forced to behave a certain way. | ||
| And when your body's forced to behave like that for over 20 years, you know, it becomes accustomed to it. | ||
| And when I take a few days off, like I take three or four days off, I have this buildup of energy where my body is used to producing a certain amount of energy. | ||
| I don't get any of that energy. | ||
| Zero of that energy. | ||
| I actually have the opposite. | ||
| Like, I think it's so tired 99%. | ||
| I've never really been in the kind of shape, that kind of shape. | ||
| Like explosive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think for me, and it's different biomechanics, or not biomechanics, biorhythms, rather, you know, biochemistry. | ||
| Different people need different things out of life. | ||
| Some people need extreme exertion. | ||
| Some people just need a walk. | ||
| Some people feel great when they just walk up a hill. | ||
| They just go for a little walk around their neighborhood and they feel refreshed. | ||
| They don't need that extreme physical exertion. | ||
| Me, I need to hit the bag. | ||
| I need to do jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I need to do some kettlebells. | ||
| I need to do it. | ||
| And when I do it, it's like, like I can be myself again. | ||
| It's like I blow it all out and then I'm myself. | ||
| But if I don't, it builds up. | ||
| And if it builds up for one day, it's tolerable. | ||
| Two days, it's a little less tolerable. | ||
| Three days, a little less. | ||
| And then by the time four or five days go by with no workouts at all, I start getting very edgy. | ||
| I feel it. | ||
| Like people are talking to me and they're not talking quick enough. | ||
| And I'm like rude. | ||
| I'm like, okay, okay, okay. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Because my patience is gone. | ||
| I just have no patience. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's caveman genes. | ||
| I've got way too much caveman in me. | ||
| You know, there was some sort of a study recently about people that have Neanderthal genetics and they have a certain percent. | ||
| Fucking for sure I do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| If there's people out there that have Neanderthal genetics in their system, I've got some of that shit for sure. | ||
| Somewhere in my life, somebody fucked an ape man. | ||
| Somewhere way back in my family's ancestry, someone fucked one of those little crazy ape men. | ||
| Where I'm like a lesbian trapped in a man's body. | ||
| You are. | ||
| You're very feminine. | ||
| You're very feminine, but you like girls. | ||
| What's that all about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body. | |
| But you like fucking them. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Lesbians like fucking chicks, too. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do they put strap-ons on and just get sad? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I would get fucking sad if I was a chick and I wanted to be a dude and I'm putting this rubber dick on. | ||
| I'm like, how great would it be if I really fucking had one? | ||
| And I could really just fuck the shit out of you with my real dick instead of this rubber thing that I gotta tie on and strap in place and it wiggles and doesn't. | ||
| But yet scissoring would probably feel good because you have two open sores rubbing against each other. | ||
| The most sensitive part. | ||
| They want to get stuffed. | ||
| They're missing a hole. | ||
| They're missing something in the middle. | ||
| They want to get stuffed, dude. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, you could throw a fucking dildo in there. | ||
| It probably feels the same or bad. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Flesh lights, they feel pretty fucking good. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how a lesbian's vagina feels, but I think heterosexual women desperately need to get stuffed. | ||
| That's why dudes desperately need to stuff it in them, and it just makes sense. | ||
| What feels the best to you? | ||
| The magical fucking promised land to get your hard, super sensitive dick inside the wet pussy. | ||
| And that's nature. | ||
| That's the great reward. | ||
| The great reward is this intense pleasure because that's the way you make babies. | ||
| So for a woman, the intense pleasure has got to come from getting stuffed. | ||
| It's the only thing that makes sense. | ||
| From getting a big fat dick to shoot goo inside you. | ||
| You know, that's what it is. | ||
| I mean, it's, that's, and it's a, it's a staple of our life and it's this big important part of our desires and our motivation to do things. | ||
| But really, it's just a trick to make people, you know, and that that trick has got to be set up correctly. | ||
| I mean, you know, people have been around for a fucking million years in this form. | ||
| That trick is good. | ||
| They got it down. | ||
| And if it's, if it's down, they got it good, then that means chicks must love big fucking dicks inside them. | ||
| And if they do, then scissoring is not going to be enough. | ||
| It's going to feel good. | ||
| It'll feel good. | ||
| But the reality is that pusher wants you to get filled up. | ||
| It wants you to get fucking stretched out with cock, son. | ||
| Cock! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| You and looking at me and talking about cock all day long. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Try to make you uncomfortable, son. | ||
| Try to make you uncomfortable. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| That's me laughing. | ||
| I thought it was an earthquake. | ||
| We have much better sound now. | ||
| So when I'm laughing, what used to not be annoying, now it'll be annoying. | ||
| This week we're using these microphones, but next week we're going to have some clip-on jammies because this is ridiculous. | ||
| You don't want to be standing here like a stand-up comedian. | ||
| I do kind of like it, though, that for the fact if I need to drink water or do something, I could go like this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, maybe we should just leave it like this. | ||
| Yeah, I don't mind this. | ||
| Maybe getting a mic stand that goes right here, though. | ||
| So we can just. | ||
| Right, yeah, we could totally do that. | ||
| But I just don't want anything that knocks around. | ||
| As long as we have the headphones on, that's the move. | ||
| Because for the longest time we were doing this and it just... | ||
| But now, it looks pretty killer. | ||
| Look, we got a mixer board and shit. | ||
| I'll show you guys all this stuff. | ||
| By the way, the autofocus is not something that you can turn off. | ||
| It isn't? | ||
| It doesn't look like it. | ||
| Here, we got all this shit here. | ||
| We got a soundboard now connected to two laptops connected to this high-level mp3 recorder jammy, and it's all just mishmashed in a fucking sea of wires. | ||
| And that all creates this podcast. | ||
| Hopefully, that'll be enough. | ||
| So, now that we have the sound issues out of the way, eventually we're going to have to deal with this goddamn green screen. | ||
| That's step two. | ||
| There's a couple different options to do it, but all of them seem super fucking complicated and a pain in the ass. | ||
| No, I think we just do a TV. | ||
| Get a 3D TV. | ||
| We can check shit out. | ||
| We can turn it on. | ||
| The problem is we couldn't do it through this Ustream producer if we were going to do it, right? | ||
| What, the green screen? | ||
| The caster, the fucking TriCaster? | ||
| I think you can do it. | ||
| Does it go through that? | ||
| I think you can do it through that. | ||
| So then we would have the same audio setup. | ||
| I think it's just way overkill to do a TriCaster through a Ustream producer, though. | ||
| It just seems weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| You know what we need? | ||
| Folks on Twitter, if anybody knows, give us a simple way to do a green screen. | ||
| If anybody knows, throw me up some message or a link on Twitter at JoeRogan. | ||
| There's got to be some tech audio visual wizard out there that knows. | ||
| Should get Ustream involved. | ||
| We should tell Ustream what's the best hookup. | ||
| I don't think Ustream knows. | ||
| No? | ||
| They stopped doing those ads. | ||
| They had these ads that would pop up every 30 seconds. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| There was a bunch of people that were complaining. | ||
| It wasn't just an ad that popped up. | ||
| It was like took over the sound and audio and video. | ||
| That was ridiculous. | ||
| Who was it for? | ||
| Was it Macy's or Macy's? | ||
| Why would Macy's want to have anything to do with me? | ||
| Because they have fucking good ads. | ||
| I'm talking about ghetto gaggers. | ||
| Did you hear about that dildo that was discovered? | ||
| 28,000-year-old dildo? | ||
| Did you hear about that? | ||
| How did they know, though, it was a dildo, not just like an ear cleaner or like an ear cleaner massager? | ||
| Big as your fucking ear, son. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because it looks like a big stone dick. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And it's eight inches long. | ||
| Maybe that's it. | ||
| That's the preferred size. | ||
| It was used for something else. | ||
| Well, it was. | ||
| It was used to strike flints, too. | ||
| They had all these marks on it from someone striking flints. | ||
| But that just could have been the husband. | ||
| Like, give me that fucking vibrator. | ||
| Give me your dildo. | ||
| I need to make a fire. | ||
| Like, he got all angry and shit, and he was attacking the dick. | ||
| You know, it could have been that. | ||
| That's the reason why he used it as a dual-purpose instrument. | ||
| But that'd be a smart move to have. | ||
| You don't want to have that many stones laying around the cave. | ||
| Why not use it for dual purposes? | ||
| I was in Portland, and they had the biggest Rex with all the bones, the best collection. | ||
| No, no, T-Rex. | ||
| Oh, T-Rex. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| They had the biggest collection T-Rex. | ||
| And it was like, I forget how many, like 70% real bone. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Like, the whole thing was up. | ||
| And it's so weird sitting there by that skull of this dinosaur and just thinking, wow, that used to be a fucking monster, you know? | ||
| That was a real thing. | ||
| It's so weird that you're allowed to like go up to it and touch it and see it. | ||
| I wonder how many things existed that there are not fossils of. | ||
| Because one of the things when you start reading things about fossils and about, you know, archaeologists and all these different people like trying to dig up the past is that it's really difficult to make a fossil. | ||
| Like fossils don't just happen all the time. | ||
| Like an animal has to get trapped in mud. | ||
| They have to die in some sort of a landslide or something. | ||
| They have to be somehow or another preserved, which usually doesn't happen. | ||
| Usually when someone dies, they rot and their bones get eaten up by animals and their tissue gets eaten up by animals and bacteria and then they're gone. | ||
| They dissolve. | ||
| How many fucking things existed that aren't in the fossil record? | ||
| Probably the majority. | ||
| You really think so? | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine so. | ||
| You would think, though, that species are around for millions and millions of years, right? | ||
| Most of them. | ||
| They're around for a long period of time and then eventually they die off. | ||
| And before they die off, for whatever reason, we've had plenty of opportunity for at least a few of them to get stuck places. | ||
| Right? | ||
| We know so little. | ||
| It's so crazy that we try to reproduce the past or figure out what happened in the past by studying what was left behind. | ||
| It's like a giant crazy puzzle. | ||
| Wouldn't it be more, wouldn't it be incredible? | ||
| And maybe this would be possible someday, if they figure out, like, say if they make a model of the Earth, like they know what existed as far as if you could do like a core sample of the Earth, you can determine like what the temperature was like, what the environment was like, what animals and plants existed. | ||
| And what if they could put all this data into a computer? | ||
| What if they could put like core samples and what we know about climatological change, all this shit, put it into a computer with the known, all the known animals that exist today and literally run a computer program that goes backwards in evolution and takes us to what existed tens of thousands of years ago, 100,000 years ago, a million years ago, 10 million years ago. | ||
| And you have to account for known asteroid impacts, known craters, known things that probably wiped out almost everything. | ||
| They're going to get to a point in time computationally, scientifically, technologically, where they are literally able to recreate the past with a computer. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| What the fuck, son? | ||
| What kind of a crazy world we live in? | ||
| We won't see it. | ||
| We'll be dead. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I'm not that confident. | ||
| We might see the beginning of the world. | ||
| I think we're going to see some crazy shit, dude. | ||
| I think you, with your bloody butthole, you might not. | ||
| But me, I'm going to live to be a couple more decades, for sure. | ||
| I got a few decades. | ||
| Sylvester Stallone is 62 years old. | ||
| It looks like he's a fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
If he's alive, if he's alive, I'm not going to last till next pelot. | |
| You know? | ||
| When do you think you're going to go? | ||
| Sunday. | ||
| Sunday? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| I'm going to miss you. | ||
| Oh, whatever. | ||
| Don't die. | ||
| I'll be reborn in your new child. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's creepy. | ||
| It's really creepy because I'm about to have a new child. | ||
| You don't even know. | ||
| If Brian died tomorrow and my daughter woke up or came out of the pussy and looked at me and went like this, hey, hang out with me at the strip club. | ||
| Yeah, and started saying things that Brian says, like first words, like shit Brian says all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't lie! | |
| We find a way to do it. | ||
| Don't come back as my child. | ||
| That would be just rude. | ||
| Be rude. | ||
| Let my wife sucking on my wife's tits. | ||
| That's creepy. | ||
| You fucking weirdo. | ||
| Why would you want to come back as a baby? | ||
| A baby girl? | ||
| Start this party here. | ||
| Oh, that would be gross. | ||
| Can you imagine just coming back as a baby girl and you have the mind of a man? | ||
| A 34-year-old man trapped in a baby girl. | ||
| Oh, Brian. | ||
| Oh, Brian, with your fake dick talk. | ||
| Let's go to the chat and see if there's anything interesting that anybody has to say. | ||
| I'm going to urinate in that. | ||
| this is what's wrong with the internet. | ||
| What's for me, Link. | ||
| What the fuck is that guy saying? | ||
| If you survive the next 30 years, you could possibly be immortal through cell regeneration. | ||
| Yeah, that is possible. | ||
| Or it might even be weirder. | ||
| The Ray Kurzwheel idea is that we're going to be able to download consciousness into a computer. | ||
| That's a very possible idea. | ||
| If they can figure out a way to make some sort of a reproduction of the human mind, some sort of a computer that actually, whether it's a software or hardware issue, where you reproduce all the functions of a human brain and then somehow or another download consciousness into that computer. | ||
| You could use that and replicate it. | ||
| And you could literally exist in a bunch of different fucking computers. | ||
| That would be very strange if it was all happening. | ||
| Say if you downloaded your consciousness into computers, but your consciousness was still attached to those computers. | ||
| So instead of you being able to live a different life inside this computer, what if that life is going on at the same time, like an echo in your head, and everything you do is like doubled and tripled. | ||
| And it's like you go fucking crazy because your consciousness is in a bunch of different computers and all these different things are going on at the same time, but it's all inside your head and you can't fucking get away and you ruined it. | ||
| So you got to find the computers that have your consciousness in it and fucking kill them just to stop the madness in your head because there's a fucking crazy echo because you're living a thousand different lives all at once inside fucking computers. | ||
| My dick smelled like pussy. | ||
| I forgot to take a shower this morning. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| How bad is that? | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| Does it smell good? | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Pussy has two smells. | ||
| None or awful. | ||
| You're not supposed to smell pussy. | ||
| It's just that slight pussy where you have a little bit of a drink. | ||
| Slight pussy? | ||
| I think you're thinking that it's a slight pussy, but really it's your dead loads. | ||
| That's what I think it is. | ||
| I think you're getting all excited smelling your own loads. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's your own loads that are trapped in your underwear. | ||
| You might be right. | ||
| I think that's what it is, man. | ||
| Probably my butthole I smell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew! | |
| Ew! | ||
| These rampaid versus Rashad. | ||
| Who's going to win? | ||
| Listen, ladies and gentlemen, I'm never, never going to answer. | ||
| I don't know who the fuck is going to win. | ||
| That's why they're fighting, man. | ||
| That's the whole deal. | ||
| I'm not doing comedy when I'm coming to Vancouver this time because I was supposed to do the Red Robinson Theater, but apparently they have some sort of a corporate thing that they booked out for three days in a row, and they can't cancel it. | ||
| And that's the only time I'm going to be there. | ||
| And they didn't want me doing another club because I always do their club. | ||
| I sort of have an agreement. | ||
| It's a big theater. | ||
| So this time I'm not going to be doing shit. | ||
| So I'm going to go find Bad Bobby. | ||
| I'm going to go eat steak like men. | ||
| He ain't show me around Vancouver. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Other questions here? | ||
| See, talk about Overeem. | ||
| You don't even know who Overeem is. | ||
| You only follow the UFC, right? | ||
| You didn't see the Strike Force on Showtime? | ||
| You poor fool. | ||
| You missed out on everything. | ||
| I don't have Showtime. | ||
| Dude, Alistar Overem is a motherfucker. | ||
| He beat the shit out of Brett Rogers. | ||
| Brett Rogers is that guy that fought Fedor last. | ||
| You don't care. | ||
| You don't give a fuck. | ||
| You don't care about something. | ||
| Not that fight. | ||
| Bumper sticker idea. | ||
| Real Catholics fuck kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Okay, fella. | ||
| Boy, there's a lot of bad questions here in this trap. | ||
| Do you know who Mark Emery is? | ||
| You know, that guy's extraditing him or have extradited him to America. | ||
| Or he's going to spend five years in jail for selling seeds. | ||
| Seeds that make people happy. | ||
| Pot seeds. | ||
| Meanwhile, his own country, not only are they not prosecuting him, he was roaming the streets free. | ||
| He was fine in his own country. | ||
| He was fine. | ||
| And they're extraditing him because they're saying he's responsible for millions of dollars of sales of seeds here in America. | ||
| And he's ran a drug empire by selling these seeds. | ||
| You know what I do? | ||
| It's pretty fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucked up, but you know what? | ||
| I don't feel bad about because that's the risk you take when you have to do shit like selling seeds and stuff like that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You don't feel bad? | ||
| I mean, I feel bad, but also, like, if I was selling marijuana seeds, I would know that, hey, there's a slight chance that I could be fucked somehow. | ||
| But in his country, there's not. | ||
| In his country, it's totally legal. | ||
| The problem, he was shipping them to America. | ||
| If he never shipped them to America and just sold them in Canada, he'd be golden. | ||
| Sounds like he's dumb for it. | ||
| In Canada, they don't give a fuck. | ||
| I mean, they do when they have to, they deal with shit. | ||
| But the reality is, like, it's like, it's not really legal in Vancouver, but it's legal. | ||
| I mean, they tolerate it. | ||
| They just let it happen. | ||
| They had smoke shops and shit, just like Amsterdam up there, you know, where you could just go and smoke weed. | ||
| And this motherfucker was just out in the open with it and selling seeds to America. | ||
| And now they're extraditing him. | ||
| He's going to have to do five years in jail. | ||
| And he's not a young man. | ||
| It's a long ass fucking time to be locked in a cage for a plant that makes you silly. | ||
| The fact that that's still even debated in 2010, that would be wasting any resources at all, prosecuting anyone for pot. | ||
| I mean, even a little bit. | ||
| Even if they're saying he broke the law. | ||
| So what? | ||
| The law is fucking stupid. | ||
| It's a dumb fucking law. | ||
| The law is stupid, but he knew what he was doing. | ||
| So what? | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| The law's dumb. | ||
| Well, for terrorism. | ||
| Yes, but no, he should be able to do it. | ||
| You shouldn't be able to put a guy in jail for that. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| In 2010, we got so many discrepancies, so many fucked up hypocritical situations in our culture. | ||
| How about gambling? | ||
| How about the fact that dudes are getting busted having poker games? | ||
| You know that? | ||
| People are getting busted, like they're breaking open private poker games, and cops are coming and taking money and shit. | ||
| I've read a bunch of stories about shit like this happening, where people are getting in trouble for gambling, playing poker with their own money. | ||
| I mean, it's one of the reasons why you have to go to these goddamn Indian, not that there's anything wrong with an Indian casino, but you have to go to Indian casinos. | ||
| You can't have one. | ||
| You can't have a casino down the street from your house. | ||
| It has to be in certain places. | ||
| And you only play certain games in them, you know. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of them in California, and there's Bellflower, and there's a few, but in most parts of the country, it's very difficult to find casinos. | ||
| And you can't play poker online because it's illegal. | ||
| So if you want to play online, you have to go through a third party. | ||
| And it's like you have to send your money to someplace. | ||
| It's fucking all cryptic and weird. | ||
| And you don't know what the fuck is happening. | ||
| It's all probably illegal anyway. | ||
| If you got in trouble for doing it the way you're doing it, even if you do it through a third party, you could probably get some Sort of a fine or something for it. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what they could do to you, but it's illegal. | ||
| But meanwhile, the government has a fucking lottery. | ||
| I mean, you know, the lottery is the worst odds available ever for gambling. | ||
| You ever be stuck behind someone who's a lottery addict? | ||
| Some poor fucking lady was in front of me the other day at the gas station, and I'm getting a Gatorade with my gas. | ||
| What's Gatorade theme day? | ||
| Notice that? | ||
| You had some Gatorade? | ||
| I had some Gatorade? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm getting a Gatorade, and this poor lady orders like 10 of these things, and she's like furiously scratching at these tickets. | ||
| And you're like, this lady's like addicted, man. | ||
| Like, look at her. | ||
| She's playing the worst odds ever. | ||
| She's bought 10 tickets. | ||
| What are the odds that any of them are going to be any good? | ||
| Pretty fucking low. | ||
| Have you ever won anything from those before? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've won like 10 bucks. | ||
| I won a free ticket once. | ||
| I played the lottery. | ||
| I won a free ticket. | ||
| I played that free ticket. | ||
| I lost. | ||
| I was done. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Never played again. | ||
| But the odds are astronomical. | ||
| And the hook is that if you do win, it's so much money. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| You could do a dollar, a dollar, a dollar for 100 days. | ||
| Then all of a sudden you win $5,000. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| You put $100 investment in, but it was worth it. | ||
| And then once you get that one $5,000 hit, you're like, oh, you get addicted. | ||
| I'm going to win the super fucking Powerball jackpot, $400 million, be set for life. | ||
| The government is the biggest fucking dealer when it comes to addicted gamblers. | ||
| The government's dishing it out. | ||
| You could gamble lottery in every fucking state, probably, right? | ||
| Is there a state where you can't gamble? | ||
| A state where you can't go to the lottery? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| How about the goddamn stock market? | ||
| That's a fucking gamble. | ||
| That's a gamble and it's legal. | ||
| Why can't you fucking play poker? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| We live in a goddamn nanny state. | ||
| It's a nanny state, Brian. | ||
| So you think you're going to die? | ||
| You look like shit. | ||
| It's getting worse. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I don't know if it's just because I haven't ate in 2016. | ||
| You haven't eaten in a long time, man. | ||
| This is a low energy show, and that's why. | ||
| This guy won $500 and got a new flat-screen TV. | ||
| Well, congratulations. | ||
| Quit now, and you're way ahead. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Taxes, taxes, taxes. | ||
| Yeah, but here's the problem with the idea of taxes, taxes, taxes when it comes to poker. | ||
| Just make people pay taxes, just like strippers have to pay taxes. | ||
| They're not always right. | ||
| You know, I mean, you know, you just make people fucking make them accountable. | ||
| You know, if you really want, the whole tax situation is pretty disgusting as it is. | ||
| You know, especially if you're in a 48% tax bracket like a lot of people are. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| The government should never get half your money. | ||
| That's fucking completely ridiculous. | ||
| You make $100, they get $50 or $48. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| That doesn't make any goddamn sense. | ||
| And you got to protect yourself and set up a bunch of different shit so that they'd only take a small slice out of your pie. | ||
| You know, you got to move to Nevada or open a corporation or do a bunch of different stupid things so that you can have less money out there that they get to steal from you. | ||
| Or are you just taking an ass like me and just give them all the money that they're going to be doing? | ||
| Yeah, you got audited like a motherfucker. | ||
| What happened, son? | ||
| Did you make a video about the IRS? | ||
| No. | ||
| And it sucks they're going to audit me again this year. | ||
| Well, you did it because you used one of those programs and you tried to take a lot of different things off. | ||
| TurboTax, and then I used home office and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And then they just don't like it when you have a home office, I guess. | ||
| They don't like it when you have a lot of exemptions. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Well, I would like write off like, you know, like electricity, write off like gas and, you know, driving batteries. | ||
| Because it's a home office. | ||
| Yeah, and stuff like that. | ||
| You know, or whenever I'd buy batteries and stupid stuff like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I thought, because I buy everything online. | ||
| So what I was thinking is like, oh, I have receipts for everything because I use credit cards and I buy online. | ||
| Well, Visa and Mascara and all these guys decided to, hey, we're not going to save all your stuff. | ||
| We're only saved the last year. | ||
| So they changed it where it used to be like you would have, you could go back. | ||
| I was able to go back like three years and check out my statements like three years ago, but they stopped it. | ||
| So now it's only one year. | ||
| So I just lost like all my receipts. | ||
| So you never kept anything in hard form. | ||
| Everything was online. | ||
| Yeah, so I got kind of got fucked by that. | ||
| I wonder if they did. | ||
| They're in cahoots. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Turbo TIRS. | ||
| TurboTax Responsible. | ||
| Contacts MasterCard says, listen, you don't have to keep that shit. | ||
| 12 months? | ||
| That's enough, dude. | ||
| You don't have to hold shit for 10, 12 years. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| They should have files. | ||
| It's not your responsibility. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| It's not ours. | ||
| I mean, we're just providing a service. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| Fuck the records. | ||
| Burn that shit. | ||
| What are they running out of hard drive space over at Bank of America? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Is that a 12 kilobyte file? | ||
| You cunts. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You fucking inbed cunts. | ||
| The IRS in itself is supposedly illegal. | ||
| I mean, all these wacky people that don't think you should pay taxes. | ||
| Good luck with that. | ||
| Where the fuck does the money go? | ||
| That's the crazy thing when you really look at taxes. | ||
| There's no receipt. | ||
| It's no like, hey, Mr. Johnson, you spent $30,000 in taxes this year, and this is what we did with your money. | ||
| We spent this X amount on your local middle school and X amount on this. | ||
| And X amount went to that. | ||
| No, you don't get a fucking receipt. | ||
| They're not accountable. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| That's why when you hear about crazy no-bid contracts and that they're in bed with these fucking Halliburton and all these different companies that are getting these crazy fucking contracts and then money winds up missing and they can't account for billions of dollars. | ||
| This is mad clusterfuck of money and a big grab. | ||
| Who is stealing? | ||
| When it comes to this bank thing, this whole bank bailout thing, when you look at the money and they talk about $700 billion and all this money flying left and right and people still getting bonuses, is it really, do they have an accounting system for all this? | ||
| I mean, can we really tell where your tax dollars went to this bailout and how it was used? | ||
| They don't even have to fucking tell you. | ||
| They don't even have to tell you. | ||
| But yet, if you file a tax report, motherfucker, you better have receipts for everything. | ||
| You better have receipts for every goddamn thing you want an exemption for. | ||
| But when you ask them, like, what did you do with all my tax dollars? | ||
| You used it to get these bankers... | ||
| wait a minute these bankers set it up do you know that they were shorting they were making sure that they were protected on both ends they were selling clients a certain stock and then gambling that that stock was gonna fail you should probably not talk about the irs i should probably be quiet right that's amazing duncan trussell to give me the best advice don't talk about the irs look it is i'm talking about the whole System, man. | ||
| Man, man, man. | ||
| It's just, it's incredible that it's set up that way and that politicians don't do a goddamn thing to change it. | ||
| Obama was swearing before he got into office that he was going to end no-bid contracts. | ||
| And he just gave the former company known as Halliburton, I guess they changed their name to something else, but he just gave them some $500 million no-bid deal, exactly what he said he wouldn't do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That motherfucker. | |
| We're up to two hours and ten minutes, Joe. | ||
| Well, that's what Brian is saying, that his vagina's hurting, his butthole's bleeding, and he's a tired man. | ||
| Everybody's saying, wake up. | ||
| People are saying, wake up, Red Band. | ||
| Dying. | ||
| Wake up. | ||
| People are sad. | ||
| 50% goes to the military. | ||
| Does it really? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| Does anybody know what the actual numbers are of money going to the military? | ||
| All right, let's take a couple questions. | ||
| We'll go to the board. | ||
| See if anybody has anything interesting to say. | ||
| This is a Tron hoodie, by the way. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm in the movie Tron. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| You really are a fucking nerd, huh? | ||
| You're for real. | ||
| So a lot of dudes fake and nerddom. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm a real nerd. | ||
| Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bruce Buffer were on Sure Dog Radio today. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Good times. | ||
| Good times, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I think we went through the entire broadcast without me saying bananas. | ||
| I said it. | ||
| I tried to say like as little as possible as well. | ||
| Because, like, that's annoying. | ||
| Like, man... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh... | |
| Um... | ||
| Is the feed usually choppy? | ||
| How many people are in this stupid thing? | ||
| A thousand people. | ||
| That's all we ever get. | ||
| That's what we're good for. | ||
| We're good for 1,000 people. | ||
| These guys are just, they don't even have anything planned. | ||
| They're just reading questions now. | ||
| It's been going on for two hours. | ||
| This guy says, oh, he's quoting me. | ||
| Twice in my life I've developed blisters on my dick from jacking it. | ||
| My suspicions are confirmed. | ||
| There are others. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Other suspicions? | ||
| What's trying to say? | ||
| What do I think about e-cigarettes? | ||
| I think the chemical they use for the smoke dries out your throat and causes your throat to get fucked up. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I was spitting up blood from using e-cigarettes. | ||
| But that's you, dude. | ||
| You got a weak costume. | ||
| Yeah, but if you Google it, the chemical that they use for it is the same shit they use. | ||
| And it's an FDA-approved chemical, but it's used to make fog in nightclubs. | ||
| And one of the things it does is dries out your throat. | ||
| And my shit started getting jacked up. | ||
| And then I was spitting blood. | ||
| And I was like, fuck this. | ||
| I'd rather smoke a cigarette than this nonsense. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, so I don't know. | ||
| So they're not good, but don't they help you quit? | ||
| Because they don't want to get it. | ||
| You know what helps you quit? | ||
| Just fucking get a patch. | ||
| That helps me quit. | ||
| Did it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wear it one day, two days, and I'm good. | ||
| Two days is all it took. | ||
| Now, you were smoking for a while before this new girlfriend. | ||
| You had the old girlfriend. | ||
| You want to talk about that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't mean about your situation. | ||
| I mean, she smoked, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now I live with somebody that doesn't smoke, so it's easier. | ||
| But yeah, when you live with somebody that smokes, it's impossible to stop smoking when that other person's smoking. | ||
| Yeah, I can imagine, you know, if I get addicted to certain things, like for a while, I was addicted to cleaning out my ears at Q-tips. | ||
| I fucking love it. | ||
| It feels so good to get in there. | ||
| Sardines. | ||
| Sardines, but I wasn't really addicted to sardines. | ||
| But the Q-tips, man, it's hard for me to walk by a box of Q-tips and not want to stick one over my ear. | ||
| But if you live with someone and they're all cleaning their ear, making moaning noises, like, then it makes it even harder. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You're like, I'm trying not to fucking, my doctor told me not to be sticking shit in my ear. | ||
| I'm trying to do the right thing. | ||
| And you're over here digging in your ear and moaning. | ||
| One time, for real, though, I did put two Q-tips in my ear at the same time and I took a shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was the best feeling ever. | ||
| It was one of the best feelings ever. | ||
| My ex had one in her ear and then she answered the phone and she went like this. | ||
| And then she had a Q-tip shoved into her ear and pierced her eardrum and blood. | ||
| Well, she's retarded. | ||
| That's a dumb thing to do. | ||
| But yeah, I could feel it. | ||
| That's painful. | ||
| Ooh, puncturing your eardrum. | ||
| I've heard of dudes getting their eardrum punctured in fights, ruptured, you know, from getting headkicked or punched in the head. | ||
| Punch in the ear, you know, your ear ruptures, and then you can't hear out of your ear, and it's got to heal up. | ||
| Sometimes they have to do surgery on people's ears. | ||
| Guys have fucking ear problems from jiu-jitsu, too, like that cauliflower ear. | ||
| Sometimes it actually goes, the bleeding and the swelling goes inside the ear and the inside ear can get infected. | ||
| This dude, Dave Terrell, a guy who fought for the UFC for a while, and he's a very, very accomplished grappler. | ||
| He's had like some serious problems with his ears where he's actually had to get his ears cut off of his head. | ||
| They actually had it like peel his ears back, fix whatever the fuck was in it, and then sew them back on his head. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yo. | ||
| Barf. | ||
| Yo. | ||
| Things like that make me not want to stick a q-tip in my ear. | ||
| But I couldn't imagine if, you know, I had a cigarette thing. | ||
| If I had a cigarette thing and I was living with someone who's smoking all the time, especially when they're stressed out and they fucking fire that cigarette up. | ||
| And you see the relaxation come across their face. | ||
| I've seen it with you, dude. | ||
| I've seen that look on your face. | ||
| I've been thinking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Wow. | ||
| I've seen that look on your face many times where you've been freaking out. | ||
| Something's been driving you crazy and you and you take that. | ||
| God, it sounds delicious right now. | ||
| And I see the relaxation, just the calmness wash over you. | ||
| What an evil trick. | ||
| And you know what the calmness actually is. | ||
| It's actually just satisfying that monkey on your back. | ||
| That's really all it is. | ||
| It's not like cigarettes make you calm. | ||
| It's that the lack of cigarettes makes you tense. | ||
| And when you get that cigarette in your system, then you become calm. | ||
| Like, what a terrible trick. | ||
| Like, it's so goddamn addictive. | ||
| We're not talking about something that's so addictive, you have to do it once a week. | ||
| You know, that's addictive. | ||
| You know, some people are addicted to certain things and they have to do them like once a day. | ||
| We're talking about every 15, 20 fucking minutes, man. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's like twirling your hair. | ||
| It's nuts that it's so popular. | ||
| How many people in America smoke cigarettes? | ||
| Like 40. | ||
| It's a big fucking number, and not a single politician ever says a goddamn thing about stopping it. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Do what you got to do, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That's my advice to you. | ||
| Next gig. | ||
| I don't have anything coming up, to be honest with you, in America. | ||
| My next gigs are June 17th in Saskatoon, Canada, June 18th at Grand Prairie, Alberta, and June 19th in Winnipeg. | ||
| So those are my next comedy gigs. | ||
| And then the next big one in America is, well, in June, I'm at the improv in Irvine, but Brian doesn't have that up on my calendar. | ||
| It's the Ustream calendar. | ||
| It's not been updated. | ||
| Get the fucking Ustream calendar updated, son. | ||
| But that's towards the end of June, I'm at the Irvine Improv. | ||
| I don't remember, 20 something, something, something. | ||
| And then July 2nd, I'm at the House of Blues in Las Vegas. | ||
| If you want to find out the actual full schedule, you can go to joerogan.net and get it there. | ||
| They found a hole in space, this guy says. | ||
| What are you talking about, son? | ||
| You can't just say things like that in capital letters. | ||
| They found a hole in space. | ||
| Do you mean a floating vagina? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Is it a monster butthole? | ||
| Why do you need to wear headsets? | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| Why do you care for wear headsets, sir? | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| What is this hole in space, sir? | ||
| Can I Google hole in space and will you be vindicated? | ||
| Or will it be some fucking Snopes debunked article where there really isn't a hole in space? | ||
| Huge hole found in the universe from 2007. | ||
| Well, those things take a while to get to this guy. | ||
| Maybe he's in Ohio. | ||
| The universe has a huge hole in it that dwarfs everything, anything else of its kind. | ||
| The discovery caught astronomers by surprise. | ||
| The hole is nearly a billion light years across. | ||
| It's not a black hole, which a small sphere of densely packed matter. | ||
| Rather. | ||
| What the fuck that old news? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| What? | ||
| San Diego. | ||
| Huge earthquake just hit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Maybe a five-point something, it looks like. | ||
| That's not huge, Faggot. | ||
| Five-point. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| That's the Cal. | ||
| Is that the California Nevada font line? | ||
| Yeah, exactly where I was telling you last time how there's a million – So don't move to San Diego. | ||
| Fuck San Diego. | ||
| Oh, that is pretty nutty. | ||
| They say the Pacific Northwest is due, too. | ||
| They were talking about that in some paper I read about Oregon, that Oregon's due for another fucking gigantic blast. | ||
| Anyway, there's a fucking hole in the universe, son. | ||
| The universe is populated with visible stars, gas, and dust, but most of the matter in the universe is invisible. | ||
| Scientists know something is there because they can measure the gravitational effects of the so-called dark matter. | ||
| Voids exist, but they are typically relatively small. | ||
| Well, this fucking void, this gargantuan hole, was found by examining observations made by using the Very Large Array, the VLA telescope, in Chile, funded by the National Science Foundation. | ||
| Yeah, there's some shit out there, folks. | ||
| There's so much more shit out there than we have mapped out and understand. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why we tune into Fox News. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why we're fascinated by who Tiger Woods is fucking, because the universe itself is too scary and too much of a just gigantic reminder that we ain't shit. | ||
| And with that note, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning into the podcast. | ||
| Fleshlight.com. | ||
| Yeah, go there and buy something and fuck it. | ||
| It's way better than your hand, and I don't think it's that expensive. | ||
| How much are those things? | ||
| Like $69, $79. | ||
| Is that really all it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's worth it. | ||
| If you think about how much money you spend on dates with girls that you don't like, hoping that you can fuck them, when you could save that and reuse that flashlight over and over and over again, people are like, oh, you've got to clean it. | ||
| It's really not that hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, you just hook it up to the Turn the faucet on. | |
| And your comp squirts out. | ||
| It squirts out the back. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| It's not hard at all. | ||
| And then you get like a little squeegee in there and ram it and keep it. | ||
| How's the book coming? | ||
| The book is coming good. | ||
| It's doing very well. | ||
| It's weird and it's taking a long time. | ||
| It takes a long time to write, to actually write something out. | ||
| It would have been probably way easier if I tried to transcribe it and just talk, but use maybe a dictation program or something like that. | ||
| but I don't think it'll be as good. | ||
| I think it's better to, But when you do just write things out, you're forced to edit them, and you're forced to go over them again and see the poetry of each sentence. | ||
| It's much, much better for reading, I think, if you actually write it out. | ||
| If you actually just talk it, sometimes it's not going to be as smooth as if you've reviewed it. | ||
| It won't be done. | ||
| It's due in October. | ||
| That's when it's due. | ||
| It takes a long time to do these fucking things. | ||
| A lot longer than I thought. | ||
| Blogs are easy. | ||
| I put a blog up the most. | ||
| It's like 2,000 words. | ||
| That's a giant one. | ||
| And that takes like six or seven hours. | ||
| But it doesn't matter because no one's paying me to do it. | ||
| So it's like I do my best. | ||
| I do what I think it is and I throw it up there. | ||
| Whereas like this, I'm trying to put more attention and focus to. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| You know my Twitter. | ||
| It's Joe Rogan. | ||
| You know my website, joerogan.net. | ||
| And I told you about the upcoming dates in June in Canada and in the Irvine Improv, and then July 2nd in Las Vegas at the House of Blues will be a fucking party. | ||
| Looks like Sam Tripley is doing that with me. | ||
| Should be fucking crazy. | ||
| Sam Triple, if you've never seen him. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Very funny guy. | ||
| Shout out to Matty Kirsch. | ||
| All right, folks, that's it for this week. | ||
| We will see you next week. | ||
| Same bat time, same bat channel. | ||
| It's almost always around the same time, which is 3 p.m. | ||
| Pacific. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Red band. |
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