Joe Rogan and Brian Redban dissect autism’s possible rise (1 in 100) due to environmental factors like Thimerosal or artificial sweeteners, debating evolution and sensory disconnects while comparing it to Amish communities’ lower rates. Rogan critiques Goldman Sachs’ 2010 fraud allegations, calling the financial system unsustainable despite his father’s $1M+ savings, and dismisses perpetual motion machines as impractical. They wrap up with Rogan’s upcoming May 7–8 Montreal appearance, iTunes upgrades, and a Fleshlight sponsorship, joking about future "Garage" recordings—highlighting how even flawed systems thrive on human curiosity and adaptability. [Automatically generated summary]
I have guns, and I appreciate you wanting to shoot them and use them, and it's good to have something in the house to protect yourself, because there's a lot of crazy fucks out there, but carrying one everywhere is just a little strange.
I gotta talk about it because I think it's very crazy, especially if you're following it through TMZ. If you don't know, and if you don't know, tell everybody what this is.
Well, supposedly Tito was just arrested for allegedly beating up Jenna Jameson.
And then he came out and said, I never hit her.
She has a big Oxycontin problem.
She's fucked up on drugs, and that's it.
So what I thought, I thought that was just weird, and then I was watching this clip on TMZ where it was Jenna saying, he did not beat me up.
We had an altercation, but he did not beat me up.
People were thinking he's a wife beater.
Then, like a half hour later, an hour later, Tito puts out a press conference saying, hey, she is fucked up on Oxycontin.
And then immediately her story now is wearing an arm brace, he beat me up and threw me in a hot tub.
Well, if she does have that problem, that's a terrible problem.
And I know a dude who had that problem for a long time.
And he got prescriptions from...
He lived in Texas, and he moved to LA, and he got prescriptions from both doctors.
He just couldn't help himself.
He's very self-indulgent, and he just got whacked out on that shit.
But apparently, it's easy.
It's hard to get off and easy to get on.
You just start popping it.
We've talked before on this show about a documentary, and we'll just briefly say it.
If you haven't seen it, just Google the OxyContin Express, and it's all about...
How many people are addicted to this stuff in Florida with their wacky laws?
Florida doesn't have a database of doctors.
So the way my friend did it, he got a prescription in Texas, and he got a prescription here in California, and then he started using both of them at the same time, getting both of them refilled, and I got all fucking loony.
But in Florida, you can go to like a hundred doctors.
They don't have a database of doctors.
That's crazy.
It's scary shit because it's like, for sure, it's pharmaceutical companies.
They absolutely know what the fuck they're doing with this stuff.
They've been accused and convicted.
Or it's been proven, rather, that they lied about the addiction qualities of OxyContin that they knew and suppressed information.
They knew that it was super, super addictive.
I mean, it's basically, it's heroin in a pill form.
When they call it hillbilly heroin, that's really what it is.
If you've ever been to Florida, folks, you might want to go just to see these things called pain management centers.
I mean, you know how people go on vacation to see the Great Wall of China?
You might want to go on vacation to see the pain management centers because it's a fucking trip.
Well, either way, she's always been nice to me, and I can't talk shit about her.
But yeah, the whole thing's unfortunate.
I'll tell you who I can talk shit about, though.
That faggot that was fucking Larry King's wife, and now he's talking about it left and right, giving up all the juice.
It was bad enough when all these women were coming out about Tiger Woods and the Jesse James chicks trying to make her money.
That's bad enough.
But this fucking guy that's been banging Larry King's wife is the biggest bitch out of all of them.
This fucking guy, okay, was the baseball coach for Larry King's kids, okay?
He starts banging Larry King's wife, and he's banging Larry King's wife in Larry King's bed while Larry King's show is being filmed.
Because Larry King wants to know where his wife is at all times, so he makes her watch the show, at least according to this guy, so that he can quit.
Tom Cruise, the right questions!
And so she has to be ready to answer.
So he's banging her, and as he's banging her, she's like watching the show, making sure she pays attention to what, you know, fucking Paris Hilton has to say.
I don't think ratting out, at least not when you're in a situation where you're not only ratting them out to whatever, authorities, you're ratting them out to every single person in the world.
And when you're in a field where you are based off your persona, she makes money of who she is, and she's playing a role.
But no, so one time, it was like, it was always one of those things, like, I'd break up with her, and then I was like, oh god, she has big tits, I got, you know, oh, gotta fuck her again.
But then one time, it was like six months, we go by, she's just trying and trying, and finally I'm like, alright, look, it's my sister's birthday this weekend, we're gonna go out and have some drinks if you wanna come out, but you have to be cool, you know, you can't, you know, whatever.
And so she came out fucking stupid, it was blackout drunk, fucking embarrassing people, you know, I had to like, Get her in the car and stuff.
Get back to my house and I'm like, look, I'm going to bed.
You can crash downstairs or I can call you a cab or something, but you're not allowed to drive.
And she goes, I'm fucking driving, yeah!
Starts breaking my shit, just destroying my house.
I'm talking about taking picture frames and smashing it, throwing things.
I had this huge dent in my refrigerator where she threw something at my refrigerator.
Then I woke up in the morning, casually went downstairs making coffee, get a doorbell, ring the door, open the door, and the cops go, hey Brian, damn, we wish you wouldn't answer the door.
We need to arrest you.
And I go, what?
And they're like, well, we got three charges for your arrest.
I guess you wouldn't drive her home and you wouldn't let her leave the house or something like that because I wouldn't let her drive.
There's a lot of people that do a lot of fucked up things to human beings, for sure, and there should be laws to protect people, but we don't know who's telling the fucking truth.
And if you run in bad circles and you hang out with crazy bitches, you could have a bad situation.
I had a chick swing on me once and I ducked under and grabbed her.
And then I calmed her down.
And then it got okay after that.
But I've never been in a situation where I hated somebody.
Where I was with them and I hated them.
But I know people who have, man.
I know people that are in relationships that they fucking hate.
And it's almost always people that had really fucked up parents.
It's almost always people that had parents that fought and for some reason they think that it's normal.
And especially when you're young, they kind of like it.
Because they think it makes them feel like an adult, like they're doing adult type shit like their parents did.
They're fucking screaming and yelling at each other.
There's been many times, especially when I was way, way younger, my early days before I I had a grip on the type of girls to date and the type of girls not to date.
If a girl was hot, I would date her.
It didn't matter if she yelled at me.
I mean, you had to be really fucked up for me to break up with you.
You know, especially in Boston because It's so hard to get laid in Boston.
I make coffee with a French press, and at the end of it, you get grinds.
But I like it.
It's all gritty.
But it's so hard to get laid in Boston.
And when you're a teenager, man...
I don't know about you, but me when I was a teenager, I had to get laid.
To stay sane, I had to get laid.
Otherwise, sex was all I thought about all fucking day.
You know, nature has you primed for that.
Nature has it set up so that if you're not fucking, okay, and if you're like 17, 18 years old and you're not fucking, that's all you're going to be thinking about.
You're not going to be able to concentrate on anything.
And you can get distracted so easy.
You could get just completely removed from whatever path you're on.
If you're trying to become a fucking sprinter in the Olympics or you're trying to become an author.
Whatever you're doing, if you're not getting laid, a girl can come in and just fuck up the whole situation just by giving you pussy.
Yeah.
But when you're 30-something years old and you've been around the block a few times, then it becomes a matter of, okay, who's the dummy here?
Who's the one who's being silly?
Why are you getting involved with these crazy bitches?
This is what people need to do.
First of all, you need to get your own shit together.
That's number one.
You need to be a happy person.
A lot of people don't like weed, but here's one of the things that weed is really good for.
If you smoke weed and get paranoid and you start freaking out about things, almost always those things that you're freaking out about are things that are in your subconscious that you're not comfortable about.
The things that have been bothering you for a long time and you've been just trying to push them to the back of your head.
And when you smoke pot, whatever it is about pot, especially when you get too hot, There's a quality to marijuana that makes you think about shit that you're suppressing.
It makes you think about things from your past that you don't like.
It makes you think about things that you did.
And it makes you think about your own issues.
Especially marijuana and the isolation tank together.
And about having good relationships, like the best way to have a good relationship, you've got to be comfortable with who the fuck you are.
And if you've got a lot of issues, a lot of stuff that's bothering you, that's going to fuck up any chance you have of communicating well with other people.
Because as soon as you're comfortable with another person, when you first meet someone, you don't really let them in and you sort of project who you want to be to this person.
And then the person does the same thing to you.
But after like a few months or a few weeks, depending on, you know, how good your act is, most people, you get to know who the fuck they really are and what their real issues are, you know, after a while.
When they start yelling at you, when they get upset at you for no reason or something, you start like tuning it all in and going, oh, okay, you're fucking bananas.
You know, you gotta not be bananas in order to get someone who's not bananas.
Like, dudes will always say, like, yeah, man, I'm fucking trying to find a good girl, dude.
I'm just tired of all these bitches.
Like, meanwhile, you're a mess, bro.
You're a fucking mess.
You're a loon.
You hate your stepdad.
You know, you want to fucking beat dudes up at stoplights.
You know, you're a mess.
And unless you stop being a mess, you're never going to be involved in a good relationship.
You're never going to be able to recognize, you know, other people that are fucked up.
Like, I've always said that one of the things about trying to be, like, super honest, and I try to be literally as honest as possible.
Like, it sounds really kind of gay, but I really do try two very important things.
One, I try to be as nice to people as possible.
And by as nice as possible, I wish I could be nice to everybody, but some people are fucking obsessive and they won't leave you alone.
Or they're bananas, or they're retarded, or they're abusive, or they try to take advantage of you if you're nice.
I mean, there's some people that you can't be nice to, unfortunately.
There's some people that, you know, they need fucking years of therapy, and when you run into them, you don't have the time for that.
So you gotta go, dude, leave me the fuck alone.
Stop.
You know, and it's unfortunate you have to do that, but sometimes you have to do that.
So I try to be as nice as is humanly possible to get through my life.
And number two, I try to be as honest as is humanly possible.
I try to always be honest.
I try to make sure that everything I'm doing, I'm doing from a place where I can be honest about it.
And if you can't be honest about it, for the most part, there's one thing.
One thing is being honest.
Another thing is like TMZ type shit, like revealing all sorts of information about your personal life because people are creepy and they want to look into it.
That's not honesty.
That's like a revealing thing.
And I'm not really into that.
I'm not really into like...
Going on a reality show and having everybody see my bathroom.
What the fuck is that?
That's not honesty.
That's just weird voyeuristic shit that people get obsessed with.
But what I am into is telling you where I'm really coming from and what's going on in my own mind.
And be comfortable with that to the point where I am so honest all the time that I can recognize deception right away.
I find that to be really true.
If you're a really honest person, when people are full of shit, you just fucking spot it right away.
Yeah, well, you know, he grew up in a situation where he had a douchebag for a stepfather and, you know, his whole life has been trying to fight against people that are fucking with him.
You know what I mean?
So, like, he became hyper-competitive because of that.
Anyway, so that's my advice and to that bitch-ass dude that's banging Larry King's wife and running your mouth, you faggot.
We were in Ikea though the other day and they had like a kid's room like it was like a bunk bed and I was real happy but then there was like a place for a baby and I'm like wait is this just like a Is this a poor person with only one bedroom and had to share sister and baby?
Or is this like, no, this girl has a baby and she's like 15?
With this economy being the shitter the way it is, people are stacking more people into houses together.
I know a person that lives down the street from me is losing their house.
People are losing their houses left and right.
People who have a really highfalutin lifestyle and spend tons of money and get used to it and get used to trying to bling-bling and then the shit hits the fan.
There was like maybe six to ten people in the audience at most during the whole night's performance.
And I had to perform a bunch of times.
I would go up and do stand-up.
And then the male stripper would go on.
I would go up and do stand-up.
And then the female stripper would go on.
And they would do shifts.
And they would take some time off.
And then I would go on stage again.
And they would start the show all over again.
The woman would go up.
And the guy would go up.
Everyone in the audience was like these weird people from this area of Woonsocket, Rhode Island, but there was this one dude who was there who was a construction worker from New Jersey, and he just happened to be in town because there was a marriage or something like that, a wedding that he had to go to for, you know, some of his family, and he was bored, so he got out of the house to go have a beer.
There's a bar down the street, so he goes to this Jack and Jill strip club, and he was a totally normal dude, and me and him were talking, having beers, like, well, he goes, what the fuck are we witnessing?
Are you seeing what we're witnessing?
And this was like one normal dude and me, After the first two beers, it's like, I hadn't known this dude for fucking ten years.
We're just doing one place in pool.
Yeah, let's fucking play some pool.
So there's a little corn-operated pool table.
We're playing pool, making fun of the whole situation.
Like, I found a friend.
Like, for girls, that's hard to do, man.
Bitches don't trust each other, man.
I learned that from having dogs.
You know, having pit bulls.
I had two female pit bulls, and one of them killed the other one.
They would fight and I would separate them and I thought they worked their shit out because the way dogs work their shit out is one dog will dominate the other dog and then you figure out who the alpha is.
They have to do that.
They have to figure out who gets to drink first, who gets to eat first.
That's just the wild animal world.
And you have to be number one.
That's why you can never let your dog get away with shit.
You can never let your dog growl at you.
You can never let your dog do things they're not supposed to do because you have to be the alpha, especially if you have big dogs.
Well, this doesn't work with females.
Females never accept dominance.
They would always come back and try to battle it out again.
And that's what they did until one of them killed the other one.
And I think that's how women are with women, man.
I think women can be friends with women, and they have really close friends, and they go all sex in the city and pal around together and shit like that.
But it's real difficult for them to make that kind of a bond.
Yeah, especially if there's dudes that are doing stuff that you like to do, like comics.
If I meet comics, I can go to a new town and do stand-up and there's some local comics.
I'll fucking meet local comics all the time.
Next thing you know, we're out having a beer together.
We're hanging around.
We have something in common.
Or jujitsu guys.
Like, there's like fucking ten dudes in jiu-jitsu that I train with all the time that could totally be good friends of mine.
They're just, you know, dudes that...
Especially jiu-jitsu guys because they have good control over their ego.
You know, jiu-jitsu guys...
To get good at jiu-jitsu, you have to battle it out all the time and you have to be real objective.
You can't be delusional at jiu-jitsu.
You have to really know what your strengths are, what your weaknesses are, and you've got to be able to deal with tapping out.
You've got to be able to deal with dudes dominating you.
Because in the beginning...
For sure you're going to get dominated.
Everybody gets dominated in the beginning.
Nobody, unless you're just so big that nobody can touch you, some 300-pound Brock Lesnar character, you know, you're going to get tapped out in the beginning.
So you have to have the kind of ego to deal with that.
But for women, I don't know, I think it's much more difficult.
It was really difficult for my wife, especially when you have a little baby.
You know, what are you going to do?
Are you going to meet some other lady who has a baby?
And how much are you going to have in common with this broad?
What if she's Christian?
What if she goes all Looney Tooney on you and wants to fucking talk about Noah's Ark and shit?
No, I haven't seen that, but I totally believe it because I think mine's like 10. Seriously, I don't know if it's from weed or I just don't care.
There's so many things when I'll meet somebody or somebody tells me something and if I don't care about it, I put that on the coffee table and that's about to get thrown out.
Well, it's also, if you ever get a Simon Says, you know, where you follow the colors, it also is a, I don't know if it's a, we're supposed to live in small tribes, as in, if I can do Simon Says, but right up to like the 14th one, My brain falls off and it's always like the 14th one.
It's almost like that's just my max, you know, like that's my hard drives full.
I can't do anything past this 14. I might be able to train myself to to like micromanage how many things I can remember.
But it's weird.
Like if I pick up a Simon Says right now, once I hit the 14th one, I can't do it.
I mean, this guy, he just doesn't know that this guy's bananas.
Because a lot of people don't know this guy's bananas.
So I'm like, come on, man.
I don't have time to break all this shit down for you.
If it's helping you, that's all well and good.
But just running up to people and thinking you're going to save them in the parking lot because you couldn't get your shit together, you don't have to save me.
I'm pretty fucking happy.
And if you really truly believe that the only way I'm going to get to go to heaven is Kirk Cameron style, where you have to accept the Lord.
You ever seen Kirk Cameron go up to gangbangers?
You gotta Google that shit on YouTube.
Watch Kirk Cameron's videos where he goes up to people and uses his fucking 13-year-old logic.
He uses like fucking 7th grade logic on these people.
You know, what sucks is I used to like him back in the day with the show, with the growing pains, but I also thought that Tracy Gold was hot, so I guess I'm just stupid.
I think if your life falls apart and all these people that are into Jesus seem happy and they seem like they have a path, because that's really what it's all about, man.
You know, you have to have a path.
And today, people, if you think about the way we used to live, the way our bodies are programmed to live, I mean, we're supposed to be living, you know, in fucking huts and caves and shit.
I mean, the hardware that we have right now, It's basically the same hardware, the same adrenal system, the same neurosynapses that connect the same way as people that lived 100,000 years ago.
If you took a person from 100,000 years ago and sat him in the corner right there, he would be unrecognizable.
He would be totally normal.
You wouldn't say like, what the fuck?
That's a caveman!
No, he would look just like us.
But yet 100,000 years ago, they had very different needs, man.
You couldn't...
You had shit you had to do.
You had tasks, okay?
You had to go out, you had to find that fucking food every day.
You had to hunt that shit down.
That's why there's like a visceral thrill involved in hunting.
Like, hunters will tell you, like, you ever watch like Ted Nugent talk about it?
Like, he makes it very appealing.
And Brock Lesnar, like, he's got videos of him hunting.
Like, it's a rush.
It gives these guys a rush to kill the animal and get their meat.
And it's not like a cruelty rush, like they want to kill and fucking hurt and destroy.
No, it's a...
Man is supposed to be out there shooting animals and killing them.
You ever plant food and then eat that food?
There's something very exciting about that.
Very rewarding and fulfilling.
And to a lot of people, their life is filled with nothingness.
There's no task.
Every day it's just show up at work, do what you're told, do your paperwork, stare at the clock, Beg for five o'clock.
Get the fuck out of here.
Listen to your wife, bitch.
Have a beer.
Watch Law.
Say, what the fuck is going on?
Fall asleep.
Do it all over again.
There's no task.
There's no real...
There's no real...
So there has to be some meaning to it all.
So someone comes up to you and says, hey man, I know you feel that way.
I used to feel that too until I met the Lord.
That emptiness in your life is that you don't have the Lord.
When really that emptiness in your life is just your fucking hardware, man.
Lower levels of vitamin D at higher latitudes where the sun is less intense caused a lightning effect where modern humans who began darker skin first migrated north.
So human beings have been black until about 50,000 years ago when we started moving around.
And then the climate changed us.
Pretty fucking crazy shit, man, when you really think about it.
So, this banana head that tried to convert me into Jesus, at least with Jesus you're allowed to fucking draw a picture of him.
You know, Penn Gillette said something on his Twitter today, and I'm paraphrasing, but basically said the measure of a religion is how much you're afraid, you know, what you can say about a religion is how much you're afraid to talk about them, or when you're afraid to talk about them.
Like, how crazy they are, basically what he's saying.
And Penn is a A very staunch atheist and I've been friends with that guy for a long time.
He won't even consider the possibility that there's some sort of an intelligent life to it all.
He's very scientific, but unfortunately he's never done any psychedelic drugs.
He's never done anything.
He's never had a drop of alcohol.
He's never even had a single drug except for when he's had to have surgery when they had to drug him.
He takes it very seriously to be sober all the time.
Which is not well and good, but I think you can't really understand what's happening in the psychedelic experience unless you've had one.
I like how they compared it, I don't know if they did it in the second episode, and the first thing they compared it to, Tom Cruise suing anyone that says he's gay.
It's kind of like the Muhammad thing, you know, where he's like, what, you're not allowed to talk about him being gay?
And what it was is they were paid tons and tons of money to do.
And they were like uncensored.
They were like, you could do whatever you want uncensored.
This is going to be big on the internet.
And we're going to give you like $30,000 an episode or something like that.
And so they hired Trey and Matt to do this series of 24 episodes.
They got to the second one, turned it in, and were like, well, this is great.
And they were like, whoa, whoa.
We sit uncensored, but this is out of control.
What was it?
This is too far.
If you go online, I have it on my website, redband.com.
Just Google Princess Trey Parker, or Princess Red Band, and you'll find it.
And what it is, it's all about this fluffy little dog.
It looks like a shit zoo.
And it just sits there, and it starts off, it's like, all about this dog, and then it's just like, crazy stuff's going on in the background that this cute dog's watching.
Like, it's watching two people fuck, it's watching somebody get murdered, it's like, it's all about this cute little dog watching all this horrific shit.
And it only got to two episodes, and even though they said they were allowed to do anything they wanted, they're like, this is too fucked up, we quit.
No, you guys keep the money.
You can't do this anymore.
It's the best...
Best two videos I've ever seen in my life and I wish Trey Parker and Matt Stone would finish that because it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
I wanted to fucking puke and beat people up because it was so Dude, his last movie looked like, like, you know those movies where they have a guy who used to be funny and then all of a sudden, like in the movie, he takes a terrible turn and he's not funny anymore.
He's putting out crap and the people are shaking their heads and he's in the down spiral of his life.
That last movie where he played the Indian guy, the love guru.
But what's crazy is you go back as far as Swipe, Married, and Axe Murder, which was way before Austin Powers or any of that stuff, it destroyed that movie.
Because that was the same character as all his other movies.
If you don't know about this, the iPhone, they have an iPhone 4 that came out, and it's like some crazy-ass new iPhone with a front-facing camera, and well, apparently some dude, and this is the story, and a lot of people think that this is all bullshit and hype, and it's just, you know, making the iPhone story bigger.
I personally don't, because I don't think Apple would ever release a thing on purpose, you know, and have people find it.
A lot of companies, the viral marketing nowadays that's being used on the internet is so amazingly deep and you would not think of the shit that's happening right now.
I could almost see this to build hype with cell phones because if you look, there's a website called boygeniusreport.com and you could totally tell this guy's in bed or he was in bed with Blackberry at one point.
Like, there was times where it was like, alright, you got this phone like a year ahead of anybody else and you already have it and have already a video of using it and stuff like that.
So they paid money for the phone, and apparently Apple's saying that that's their stolen property, and you're not supposed to be having that reporting on it.
If you think AT&T's service sucks a big bag of dicks now, wait until that front-facing camera comes out and everyone everywhere is going to be fucking you streaming while they're driving their car, talking, singing the fucking Black Eyed Peas.
That's kind of like what Ustream does and what Justin TV does.
You know, Justin TV originally was called life casting, which was 24 hours a day following around Justin, who had a camera filming his whole entire life.
I have enough problems with people YouTubing my shit before it's done at shows.
When you come up with new bits, you know, like sometimes when a bit like is out and it's on a CD, you know, that's to me when it's an old bit.
But if I got bits that aren't on, they haven't been on television, haven't been on CD, and you're like, oh, I've seen that bit.
You're like, you've seen it.
How have you seen it?
So I saw a YouTube clip.
Some asshole in the audience is videotaping it.
Now people are saying like it's old material.
I'm like, goddammit, it's not even done yet.
It's not done.
I hate that shit.
So when they were like, we want to Ustream your whole show, I'm like, you can't Ustream my show.
Because when the material comes out, I want at least the majority of people watching the television show, other than the people that have seen me in the clubs, I want it to be new shit.
I want the DVD to be all shit that's not on another DVD. And it's not going to work that way if there's fucking these Ustream clips and Justin TV shows everywhere.
So I thought the whole thing was too much.
And it's not that entertaining to broadcast every fucking thing you do.
I mean, with this show, I think we sit down, we do it for two hours, we bang it out, and that's it.
Because when the internet was new, that was actually kind of cool back in the day.
She would have three cameras that would just refresh every ten seconds.
But I got addicted to watching it because it was so weird She would come home, talk to the husband, they would make dinner, then they would bring the camera into the bedroom and have sex.
It's funny how many things in the past that people predicted are a real part of life now.
That were ridiculous back then, like this idea of EdTV.
That's a real part of our life now.
I mean, it makes you wonder about Mad Max and shit like that.
When peak oil comes and people are fucking driving biodiesel cars down the street that they made fucking corn fuel out of and fucking shooting at people trying to get fresh water.
And right now, they're in this shadow organization of the UFC. It's a small organization.
It doesn't get nearly as much attention as the UFC... I wish we absorbed them.
I wish we had, if it was up to me, obviously it's not.
There's a lot of business contracts and all sorts of jazz, but it would be the coolest thing in the world to be able to call those lighter weight fights.
Uriah Faber fought Jose Aldo in the main event for the featherweight title.
Because this dude just picked Uriah Faber apart, man.
Uriah Faber, I mean, some people gave him a round, I think.
I don't know what they were thinking.
Because basically, in my opinion, Aldo just dominated every single round.
And at a certain point in time, just had him mounted in a crucifix, just punched him in the face for like a minute and a half.
It was ridiculous.
I mean, he just completely dominated Faber.
And Faber is a fucking beast, man.
A beast.
Just couldn't stop the leg kicks.
Leg kicks kept coming.
You know, Aldo's so goddamn fast.
Aldo used to be a real serious soccer player, too.
He played semi-professional soccer.
And those soccer players, man, they have incredible legs.
Like, they can move really good.
Their foot works really good and they kick really hard.
And he's just so good at moving in and out.
You know, soccer is all about moving side to side, quick moves to deal with the ball.
And those guys that are real good at soccer, man, that really translates well to being able to kick, you know, throwing leg kicks and getting out of the way of leg kicks and just the ability to spring forward and spring back.
Soccer is a fucking tremendous place to start, tremendous base for certain types of fighting, especially for like Muay Thai.
You know, you guys saying Tito Ortiz and Jenna, we already talked about that, bitch.
You're going to have to go to the recording and rewind that shit, son.
We can't just be talking about it over and over.
How loud were those leg kicks?
The thing about leg kicks is, you know, Goldberg's always talking about that it's not a slap, it's a thump.
The ones that are really hard, they're not as loud.
Say if you hit someone's thigh with your open hand like that and slap the skin of their thigh, it would be really loud.
But if you hit their thigh with a baseball bat, it would be a thump!
Like a meaty thump.
And the meaty thumps are a lot more painful.
What it is is the shin just digging into the meat of the leg.
And it fucking hurts like hell.
You really can't appreciate how bad a leg kick hurts unless someone leg kicks you.
Someone good.
You know, you get like some fucking Melvin Manhoof type character, some Ernesto Hoos type dude to slam a leg kick into your leg.
You realize like, God damn, it's so fucking painful.
And that's what this guy's move was.
He just kicked his legs out from under him until he was useless.
From the second round out, he was pretty much useless.
It's incredible that here we are in 2010, and there's people out there that really believe that you shouldn't have a drawing that represents their guy, their messiah, their prophet.
And the funny thing is, this fucking guy, I said that once, and this guy emailed me.
Hey, dumbass, the reason why you're not allowed to is because they don't want you worshipping false idols and imagery.
Like, okay, I'm a dumbass, so you think it's okay to kill people because someone's drawing some fucking...
A guy that may or may not have even existed.
When you go back a couple thousand years, when you go back a thousand years plus, man, who the fuck knows what really happened?
They're like flying saucers and aliens on the cave walls.
How do you know those fucking, how do you know those cave guys didn't just eat a mess of mushrooms that they found, trip their balls off, just start drawing loony shit that comes to their mind?
No, I just was, I think I was an angry kid and I was always obsessed with the idea that you could, I think what represented to me was like, you know, that You could be calm and normal and then some shit happens and just...
That's what I wanted to do.
I wanted to hulk out on people and turn into a werewolf and kill motherfuckers.
When you're an angry kid, it's never good.
I totally wanted to be a comic book artist, but my high school art teacher was a douchebag.
He was just suppressive and annoying and unhappy and had no joy.
There was no happiness, this man.
Everything was serious.
His art was serious.
He would draw.
I didn't even think he was that talented.
He would draw boring shit.
He would draw pears and stuff, like a bowl, a fruit bowl.
Like, hey, faggot.
I got a camera.
If I want to see fruit, I'll take a picture of it.
You got a photo of Wolverine fighting Spider-Man?
No, you don't?
Just shut the fuck up, because that's what I like.
And he was telling me that what I like was juvenile, and then it was foolish.
And I was like, you're just suppressing what I like.
I like watching fucking monster movies.
I like reading comic books.
Is there something wrong with that?
It's just entertainment.
I hate when people pretend that their entertainment somehow or another is more valid or more sophisticated just because it's serious.
People who love serious movies.
I don't like comic book movies.
I love serious movies.
Whatever, man.
Are you learning something when you go to see some depressing Sean Penn movie?
Are you learning something when you go to see those movies?
You go to a movie, you enjoy yourself, you have a good time, it takes you someplace, it gives you some thrills, you know, there's a lot of shit, you don't know what's happening, things get resolved, how's this gonna, what's gonna go down...
That's all it is.
It's fucking entertainment.
And the idea that your entertainment, because it represents things that happen in real life, is somehow or another superior to superheroes or monsters.
People that can influence your children and people that say mean shit.
I will never forget I had a math teacher in high school who was just fucking boring and the class was boring and she was this black lady who had a black accent.
Like, she would mispronounce words all the time.
She had terrible grammar.
And yet, she would, like, shit all over you if you didn't understand her math problems.
And she was in there doing her math problem, and I was bored, and I was, like, drawing or something.
Usually that's what I did in class.
I would draw all over my notebooks or something like that.
And she goes, she looks up, and she sees me not paying attention.
So she goes, Mr. Rogan, would you like to come up here and do both of these problems for the class?
And I said...
Do you want me to do both of those problems?
And everybody started fucking howling.
And so she said, go down to the dean's office right now.
I said, okay, but when I get back, I'm gonna do both of those problems.
That's so that was like the beginning of my time as a stand-up comedian because I felt like I was defending myself Like I wasn't doing anything to you.
I'll just sit there scribbling in my notebook You know, I just wasn't paying attention because I was bored out of my fucking head and I had problems with authority But she just you know like to be the the lady to call on you if you ain't paying attention You know, like she would you would get mad, but I mean meanwhile this fucking bitch couldn't even speak, right?
She said both Would you like to come up here and do both of these?
I will never forget it.
It's like, in my mind, it's like a movie playing out.
Because the anger in my head that this fucking dummy was trying to make me look dumb in front of everybody just because I was scribbling and I wasn't paying attention to your...
My opinion on math was always like, okay, math is very essential, but...
Don't we have calculators now?
We do.
And isn't there like an endless supply of batteries?
There is.
Done.
Like, I'm done.
There's only a finite amount of things to pay attention to in the day, and I don't give a fuck about these wacky equations that you're making me solve and figure out.
I know how to add, I know how to divide, I know how to multiply.
Like, is it, or are we done here?
Do I have to keep going?
Is this really gonna, you're making me be a fucking square peg and fit into your fucking round hole, you know?
It's like, I'm not, I don't want to do what you want me to do.
I used to watch a lot of documentaries even when I was a kid.
And I got in trouble.
Again, people always say, you're a comedian.
Were you a class clown?
I was not really a class clown.
What I used to do, though, is draw a lot of cartoons about our teachers getting involved and doing shit.
And we had this one teacher that was really annoying.
Mr. Hallman.
H-O-L-M-A-N. Very serious.
But he was wrong about a lot of shit.
And I was, you know, I was fucking 15 years old.
And I was in class.
And I was, again, bored out of my fucking mind.
He had a science class.
But at least science class was a little more interesting.
But he started going on about Lake Erie.
Lake Erie's a dead lake.
And this and that.
And he started talking about all the pollution that's involved in Lake Erie.
And I said, well, actually, I just saw a documentary that was on PBS that was talking about the resurgence of Lake Erie, about how Lake Erie, they've worked very hard to filter out the water, and they've done all these different things to cut down the pollutants, and they've seen a resurgence in the fish population, and he got all fucking mad at me.
And I was like, have you seen this documentary?
He goes, no, this is not true.
And I'm like, what do you mean it's not true?
It's on PBS. I watched it last night.
I'm like, oh, man, all right.
So you're just like them.
So the next time we're in class...
He had like these things that would pull down like projection screens.
And I pulled the projection screens up and I drew cartoons of him.
And then I pulled the projection screens down and covered them.
So he went to draw on the chalkboard, and as he pulled the chalkboard up, there's all these fucking cartoons of him saying wacky shit.
He had this thing that he would do.
He would do this crazy thing with his hands where he would move his hands like this.
And then I had this other teacher, Mr. White, and he was only like 5'2".
So I drew him all the time, but every time I drew him, I drew him standing on something.
unidentified
He's either standing on a box or standing on a chair or standing on a stool.
And I had one, an anthropology teacher, who was obsessed with Jane Goodall and the monkeys.
You know, Jane Goodall lived with chimpanzees.
So I drew this one kid who was this football player, who was a nice kid, but he was always kissing her ass because he wanted her to like him so he could get better grades.
So I drew him banging her.
And, like, if I can look like her, it looked like him.
And I drew him, banging her, saying, you know, she was like, oh, give it to me monkey style.
And I passed it around the class, you know?
Like, I got suspended on two separate occasions for drawing cartoons.
You think about all the different connections inside people's brains.
Now think of people like my friend John-Jacques Machado, my original Jiu-Jitsu instructor.
He was born without his one hand, his left hand.
He doesn't have all of his fingers.
His left hand only has a thumb and nubs.
And that's how he was born.
I don't know what it was exactly.
Some sort of a disease.
But he's born without fingers.
If you're born without fingers, you could be born with crazy connections in your head that make you love other people's farts.
You know what I'm saying?
It's possible.
We look at autism and what they don't understand about autism.
But some people who have autism can do crazy things.
Like there's a child...
That can see a place, like, just look out the window at a city and then draw the city in exact detail, like down to the fucking street signs and down to the alleyways.
I mean, it's incredible.
There's videos of online doing it.
I mean, he can just look at an image of a place or go to a place and see something and just completely recreate it in his mind.
And he has a version of autism.
You know, it's like the whole Rain Man thing.
It's like, what is that?
What the fuck is going on that you can see something and record it exactly, but you and I have no chance?
I mean, if I had to draw my backyard, it would be all off.
I've been in my backyard a fucking thousand times, but if I had to draw it, it would be all fucking wonky.
Yeah, I just, I don't know, because sometimes I think things like that, or I think, what if he knows exactly everything that's going on, but his mouth doesn't work?
Kind of like when you're so fucked up and you're trying to say something, you're just like, blah, blah, you can't give your, you know, what you're thinking out in language.
I mean, where they don't express themselves, they don't smile as much, they don't make eye contact as much as other kids do.
But in doing that, they have this incredible focus.
I have a friend whose child, his son has a mild form of Asperger's.
It's like an autism type of thing.
And his son is a jujitsu wizard.
The kid's an assassin.
I mean, he's really, really fucking good.
Goes at it head to head with world champions.
He's really, really good.
And one of the reasons why he's really good is he has this intense ability to focus on things.
And, you know, he's not so good socially.
He doesn't have a girlfriend.
Not so good at, like, having buddies.
But goddamn, you get on the mat with that motherfucker.
He remembers every move.
And he's countering your moves and advancing and moving forward.
And he taps, like, really high-level black belts all the time.
You know, it's like, autistic doesn't necessarily mean super, super intelligent.
It doesn't necessarily mean, you know, some sort of a Rain Man-type genius.
But it has the potential.
Which makes me think, I wonder if it's almost like, there's so many people that are autistic, dude.
It's like one out of a hundred now.
And it's advancing over the years.
I wonder if it's possible that, people say that it's due to environmental conditions, it could be due to pollution, it could be due to diet, it could be due to the hormones in our food.
There's a bunch of different...
Like theories on what causes autism, but if it's happening in much greater numbers than it ever has before, and that's debatable as well because some people say it's not.
There's just more people are diagnosed as being autistic now because they've changed the diagnosis, but that's under debate as well.
But what if it's sort of a next stage of evolution?
What if emotions and dealing with the way human beings have always been really emotional?
What if that's not going to be necessary in the future?
What if that's slowly being phased out?
Because human beings don't have to use our fight or flight I think?
And one of the reasons why I thought this is because of Amish people.
And Amish people live their life in a very traditional, old-school sort of a way.
It's kind of a fucked-up, wacky religion, but they drive around in horse-driven buggies, and they build their own houses, and I don't know if they even use electricity.
You know, there's a lot of theories about, you know, people say that there's a lot of anecdotal evidence about vaccinations.
And there's a lot of people say there's no scientific connection whatsoever and people always want to jump on that.
You know, you wear tinfoil hat with this whole thing about autism.
What people don't realize is thousands of people have been paid off by the Autism Court of America because of, I don't remember the exact title of the court, but I believe it is Autism Court.
Not autism court, excuse me, vaccination court.
Let me find the exact number and the exact theory because one of the Kennedys, I think Robert Kennedy Jr., is heavily involved in this shit.
And a lot of people have been paid off by vaccine court because, and it's in the thousands of families, because of their children suffering from brain damage after being vaccinated, that they had brain swelling and brain damage.
And they received sizable rewards from the courts.
Now, if that's really true, how do we not know that, you know, you're not damaging other shit with vaccinations, especially like heavy duty vaccinations with Thumerisol and all that stuff that's been linked.
I mean, the stuff that they removed from vaccines.
It's a real heavy debated issue because people don't want to think, A, people who have had their children vaccinated, they don't want to think that they've done anything wrong to their children.
And people who have children that are autistic, they want to blame someone.
And so they try to blame the vaccination.
But the bottom line is you're injecting chemicals into your baby when you're not even supposed to give kids fucking peanut butter.
You're not even supposed to give babies peanut butter because they might have a peanut allergy.
But yet you can shoot them up with all these fucking chemicals.
I don't know this whole Jenny McCarthy debate and she's running around saying that vaccinations cause autism to the kids.
But I have friends that say their kids were normal.
We have a friend that we know that say his kid got the measles, mumps, and rebellion and then instantly was different.
Like instantly became detached.
Got fucking weird and the kid has some serious autism now.
Whether or not it's connected or whether or not he had a pre-existing condition that was exacerbated by those vaccinations, that's possible as well.
But who the fuck knows what's causing all this shit?
It could be, you know, just the amount of pollution, the higher levels of carbon dioxide in the air.
It could be, you know, the preservatives in food.
It could be, you know, it could be a bunch of shit.
But it also could be the civilization.
It could be the fact that as civilization progresses, the need to have all these emotions and the need to exist the way people have always existed is morphing.
It's changing.
We're going to be like fucking aliens.
I mean, if you think about all the depictions of aliens in science fiction, the advanced aliens, they're always super unemotional.
Take me to your leader.
It's like that type of shit.
It's like we kind of inherently know that emotions are sort of holding back progress.
And as human beings become super technical...
Super technologically evolved that eventually we're going to get to a point where we're not irrational and emotional.
And you think about the shit that happened with that crazy girl that got you arrested.
No, it's weird cuz like retard porn like you feel like you're watching something illegal But then you're like wait, this is an adult but then you're like wait He doesn't really know he's getting fucked with that dildo and his asshole.
No dude I saw Some the other day some hardcore retard porn where this girl who was also retarded was shoving a dildo up this retarded guy's asshole and the girl seemed like more retarded but the guy is I don't know.
Well, you know, porn always has these walls that they hit and they always come out of it because the bottom line is there's always going to be porn, you know?
You know, it's really amazing how movies and stuff like that are having a hard time getting their videos off the internet.
But if you want to find a certain movie in porn, a lot of these websites all work together.
These YouPorns and stuff like that, they'll give you a 30 minute, 30 second clip or something like that, but they're keeping the majority of their main movies off all these websites, which I find real amazing.
What do you mean?
If you're trying to find a Jenna Jameson movie, a two hour Jenna Jameson movie, Compared to seeing Avatar.
If you don't know what the Rogan board is, I got a forum that has like...
It's almost like 3 million.
It's up to posts on it.
It's a pretty wild forum.
Any fucked up news, anything that's going on, anything that's crazy, any new video that came out, anything bananas is on forums.joerogan.net, the Rogan board.
If you get on the board and you sign up and you can be a member, anybody can be a member, but if you're a dickhead, if you act like a retard, we pink you.
And what pink you is, is there's two forums.
There's one forum that's the regular forum, it's called Shit Talking 101. And there's another forum that's called Special Ed.
And what Special Ed is, is when you are too fucked up, you need too much attention, you cause too much trouble, you start fucking, you know, just harassing people and being annoying, starting dumb arguments, saying stupid shit.
There's just a bunch of people out there that are fucking nuts and that you wouldn't ordinarily let them into your life and now because of the internet, you know, they get into your life and you gotta figure out a way to filter them.
You know, I mean, look, sometimes we have this chat here and I look at the chat and sometimes people are just constantly saying dumb, annoying, stupid shit over and over and over and over and over again.
But the beautiful thing is you just click on them and ban them.
You know, and that's the beautiful thing about Twitter too.
Like some people Twitter you stupid shit and all they're trying to do is get your attention.
Goldman Sachs is a gigantic bank that's getting sued now, but the federal government is actually looking into them and they're going to bring them to court and they're going to try them and figure out how the fuck they defrauded people.
They shorted.
What they did was they sold people a bunch of, they told people to buy things and then they banked against it.
So they told people that what shorting means is, like say, if you decide that, you know, you look at the market and you say, okay, this company is going to take a shit.
They're going to fall apart.
But you keep selling that company to your clients.
You keep telling them, hey, you should invest in this company because this company is a good investment.
But meanwhile, you're shorting, which means you're betting that that company is going to fail on the side.
And they made tons of money.
They basically fucked over their customers and manipulated the whole system and made fucking hundreds of billions of dollars for this.
This is this guy, Matt Taibbi.
He's been writing about this in Rolling Stone magazine.
Fascinating and infuriating articles all about the corruption that's involved in Wall Street.
And it's fucking mind-blowing that they can still pull that shit off in 2010. You know, this is one thing I said on stage this weekend.
I've been talking about this a lot.
Like, you know, when people talk about, well, you don't understand.
The economy is complicated.
Here's what I don't understand.
There's the same amount of fucking people.
Okay?
There's the same amount of shit.
There's the same amount of metal.
Same amount of materials.
Same amount of people buying things.
Where the fuck did all the money go?
What happened?
Well, the stock market crashed and the housing market was inflated and fell apart.
We've talked about this before that our system is like, our culture, our system of government is like Windows 98, Windows 95 with like 100 viruses.
And we're just throwing patches at it, trying to fix things, trying to work around stuff.
But that's really what it's like.
It's like this ancient fucking stupid system that doesn't work and it crashes all the time and it's got all these bugs and it's filled with corruption.
He's 60-something, just about to retire this year.
And I'm like, aren't you scared that you're not going to have any income coming in at all?
And he goes, it's kind of scary, but I've saved up so much.
And I'm like, yeah, but...
You could have one hospital thing fuck your life up and then now you have to go back to work like 20 years later and you're going to be out of the loop working at fucking grocery stores trying to pay for your wife to buy new diapers for her, you know?
Yeah, but still, but nowadays, a million dollars, I mean, you go to the doctor and you get fucking chemo, you're paying like $200,000, you know, or something like that, $300,000.
They were supposed to come out and visit me next month, and he was going to retire the following month, and my stepmom was thinking about retiring the following month.
And then I broke up with my relationships, so they decided not to come the following day after deciding not to come.
My stepmom's getting laid off, but because she had over a week of vacation time set aside that she'd never used, they have to force some kind of year pension plan or whatever.
The bottom line is just because they didn't take that vacation, she gets paid for a year for no reason.