May 4, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:13:43
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Bam! | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Alright, we're live, ladies and gentlemen, with a whole new setup. | ||
| Uh, yeah, yeah, we're late. | ||
| Listen, man, I'm very irresponsible. | ||
| You know what's going to be really cool is when we get something right back here. | ||
| That's the next step. | ||
| We're trying to figure out what to put right back there. | ||
| Most likely it's going to be a green screen because I'm looking at this right now and I'm like, how dope would it be if we were in fucking space right now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We could have like Captain Curt-like shit behind us, like also. | ||
| But we have a real desk. | ||
| We have real microphones now. | ||
| So the iPhone version and iPad and whatever the fuck you use, MP3, is going to be much better, much clearer. | ||
| And we're fucking fired up. | ||
| We are not sponsored by Starbucks. | ||
| This is just coincidence that we happen to have that. | ||
| But we have had an offer for our very first sponsor, and it is the Fleshlight. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| I got something funny to tell you, Joe, by the way. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| We got to tell people. | ||
| All right. | ||
| So the Fleshlight is, if you don't know what it is, if you're not an online type person, It's a very famous device that you can fuck. | ||
| And one of the reasons why it's famous is because it's supposed to feel really good. | ||
| It's supposed to feel like way better than your hand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the other reason is that there was that thing that was online, like I accidentally the whole fleshlight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that? | |
| It's a guy pranking, I think it was a customer service rep that saying only something like he has a fleshlight or something. | ||
| Like it was really bad cash technology. | ||
| Yeah, I accidentally the whole fleshlight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, L-O-L cat. | ||
| L-O-L cat, yeah. | ||
| Well, this guy, I never watched that or heard that thing or remember it, but I do remember that that fleshlight thing got stuck in my head because of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because everybody kept saying it. | ||
| And it just, it's like one of those things where, like, you know, you hear about it so often on the internet just because of that. | ||
| So when they contacted me, I was like, wow, that's kind of cool. | ||
| And then when he told me that he sponsored Kevin Smith's podcast, I'm like, wow, that's super cool. | ||
| He's going to do our podcast and Kevin Smith's podcast? | ||
| That sounds fucking badass. | ||
| And then we met the dude and Chris was a super cool guy and just a real chill dude that you could hang with, like a normal guy. | ||
| And he was really kind of a spiritual guy too, which is kind of interesting because we were talking about the porn side and how... | ||
| Porn is kind of gross. | ||
| There's a lot of porn now that you don't necessarily want to be associated with. | ||
| He was either really good at his job researching you because he seemed like your long-lost brother. | ||
| He was pulling out documentaries you didn't even know about. | ||
| Books that I didn't know about well. | ||
| If you guys were gay, you'd be perfect lovers. | ||
| Yeah, he was a real bright guy, man. | ||
| We talked about Miyamoto Musashi, we talked about different schools of philosophy, different books that he's read, different volcanoes. | ||
| He knew about some super volcanoes exploding in the past that I didn't even know about. | ||
| We gotta get him on the show, for sure. | ||
| Yes, definitely. | ||
| Unfortunately, he lives in Austin, but the next time we're in Austin, what we'll do is we'll bring our equipment and everything that's set up in Austin. | ||
| Or we can move there. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| I fucked up moving to Colorado. | ||
| For a bunch of reasons. | ||
| One, because Mrs. Rogan can't fucking drive in the snow, which is just not good. | ||
| And if you know Mrs. Rogan, that's not something that I'm going to be comfortable with her learning really quickly. | ||
| That doesn't seem like a good move. | ||
| Just fucking moving where it freezes and shit gets dangerous and sliding in the trees and shit. | ||
| And then when the dog got eaten by the mountain lion, that killed it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Otherwise, Austin would have been great. | ||
| Anyway, the point is, if Austin was great, we would definitely hang around with Chris. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| What's funny is, he gave us a sample, so we can feel and touch it, of the Fleshlight. | ||
| And the Fleshlight uses patent and rubber technology. | ||
| They have a patent on this shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's a very specific type of insert. | ||
| The mushy, squishy stuff is their own proprietary blend. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, you think in your head, like, oh, I'm sure it feels like rubber and oil. | ||
| It's just going to feel like really soft rubber. | ||
| This actually is kind of creepy to feel. | ||
| He gave us a sample. | ||
| What he did is he took a couple of fleshlights and he cut it in half just so we can feel the actual rubber part. | ||
| And then at the end of our dinner... | ||
| It doesn't really feel like pussy, though. | ||
| It feels soft. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It feels really good. | ||
| Well, that's not even lubed up, though. | ||
| No, it's not even lubed up. | ||
| So, he gave us these samples... | ||
| But it's too mushy. | ||
| It's like a pussy that's sick. | ||
| Well, because it's usually in a can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's usually... | ||
| It's got some bone behind it. | ||
| You want, like... | ||
| But wouldn't... | ||
| Would that make it more compact? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because you have, like, a wall. | ||
| Right now, it's not a wall. | ||
| We actually have a box of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So anyways, he gave us these samples just to feel them, and we left them on the table, and I'm like, you're not going to take that? | ||
| And he's like, oh, you know, it's just trash, just so you can feel it. | ||
| I'm like, you know what, I'm going to take it. | ||
| So I took the samples, and I had it there in a bag, and the other day, I decided when no one was around that I would try to fuck one of the samples. | ||
| But it was only half of it. | ||
| So I had to use both of them. | ||
| One for the bottom and one for the top. | ||
| And so I was doing the left hand and the right hand. | ||
| Like, left hand was the left sample, the right was the right sample. | ||
| I'm like, wait a second. | ||
| Fleshlight Company, you need something like that. | ||
| Because I had like two different hand jobs going on. | ||
| I had one with a different texture on the top. | ||
| You're going to be jerking yourself off with two hands? | ||
| Yeah, like you're milking a cow. | ||
| Well, how are you working the balls? | ||
| I put the balls in the bottom one and I wrapped it around the bottom one. | ||
| You wrapped your balls around the bottom one? | ||
| How fucking small are your balls? | ||
| Oh, they're very, very small. | ||
| But I was doing both of them. | ||
| I eat a lot of edamame, remember? | ||
| Edamame will shrink your balls and make you cry. | ||
| But anyways, it felt really real. | ||
| I only had hot water. | ||
| For lube? | ||
| Yeah, for lube, but it felt really good. | ||
| Want to use like shampoo or something? | ||
| Because it's supposed to be a water-based oil. | ||
| It felt good for even just being samples outside of its cocoon and everything. | ||
| It wasn't even in the can or anything. | ||
| So I can't wait to fuck one of these things. | ||
| Is this one of them right now? | ||
| Yeah, these are the ones right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| This is not without some controversy. | ||
| This is actually going to be really loud for these people to be listening to the iPods. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll try to do this as softly as possible. | |
| And we'll only do it once so it's not annoying. | ||
| This is apparently, this is the Fleshlight. | ||
| Wow, it comes in a nice packaging. | ||
| Are you going to do an unboxing video for us, Joe? | ||
| Yes, we'll do an unboxing of the Fleshlight. | ||
| Let's see what we've got here. | ||
| Now, this is not without some controversy, and this is where it gets strange. | ||
| My manager is very, very upset with me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And does not think that the fleshlight is a good thing to have for a sponsor. | ||
| And I was surprised by that. | ||
| Very surprised. | ||
| Yeah, because they were really adamant about it. | ||
| They were like, you could be up for some sort of a show. | ||
| CBS. And they find out that you have the fleshlight... | ||
| On your podcast, you know, that you're sponsored by a thing. | ||
| Not just that you have an opinion about a thing. | ||
| They were saying that the big deal is that you are sponsored by this thing. | ||
| And because you're sponsored by this thing, somehow or another that makes you like... | ||
| What does that make you? | ||
| A bad person? | ||
| Yeah, it's because you don't masturbate with your hand. | ||
| Yeah, you're a bad person because you prefer to masturbate with the rubber vagina? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| That's like old school, like, you know... | ||
| It's crazy talk. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like... | ||
| It's crazy the idea that you don't masturbate. | ||
| If you don't masturbate, what's wrong with you? | ||
| It feels good, first of all. | ||
| Two, it's a great way of getting a release, like a sexual release. | ||
| It's not built up. | ||
| It's not annoying you all day. | ||
| Because if you're not getting laid, and a lot of us aren't, if you're not getting laid and you don't jerk off, you're going to go fucking bananas. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| Totally true. | ||
| So what is this? | ||
| Some sort of a leftover... | ||
| Puritanical bullshit ideals. | ||
| Don't show your ankles. | ||
| Technology. | ||
| Put dresses over the legs of chairs. | ||
| You ever seen those buildings where they put, or those old furniture from like, I don't know what year it was. | ||
| It was way, way, way back in the Victorian era, I guess. | ||
| They would literally put dresses around the legs of chairs. | ||
| Laces. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So that people don't get excited by fucking chairs. | ||
| But it was like bras. | ||
| You remember going to your grandmother's house and seeing that old white That's you! | ||
| I'm doing it. | ||
| My shit's on airplane mode. | ||
| I thought, well, I'm gonna put mine on airplane mode. | ||
| So yeah, they used to put doilies type shit on furniture that was almost like lace of a bra to cover up the ankles of a chair or a leg of a table. | ||
| How fucking crazy are people? | ||
| How fucking crazy are people and how crazy is it that me, of all people, Like, all the shit that I've talked about, from fucking DMT to the fact that I think the government killed Kennedy and the same people are probably in power and giant fucking corporations control the world. | ||
| You have a video of you and me watching two girls in one cup and then you showing, no, you gotta watch a video of a guy chopping off their dick, but yet you can't masturbate with... | ||
| That's okay, but masturbation's terrible. | ||
| It makes no sense at all. | ||
| Of all the shit that I've put out on the internet, I try to be as honest as possible. | ||
| And I try to put out as much on the internet about things that I'm interested in. | ||
| I don't care if you think I'm crazy. | ||
| I don't care if you think it's inappropriate. | ||
| Look, I'm just curious about this certain subject. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Whether it's on my message board or whether we're talking about it on this podcast or whether we put it on Twitter. | ||
| If I find something I think it's interesting, I'm going to be honest about it. | ||
| Why is that a fucking bad thing? | ||
| And why is the idea of me fucking this rubber flashlight, why is that a bad thing? | ||
| I don't think middle America wants to think of you masturbating. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| You're not supposed to have sex, Joe. | ||
| So that's what it is. | ||
| You don't want people to see people having sex or talking about sex too much. | ||
| And if you endorse sex with yourself, that's a bad thing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| To me, it's like you can't marry that. | ||
| Well, the crazy thing is they said, the manager said, that one of the things they were talking about was the fact that this is in the pornography industry. | ||
| That's what they said. | ||
| It's the pornography industry? | ||
| Yeah, that it's pornography. | ||
| And I said, how is it involved in the pornography industry? | ||
| It's like, it's just a rubber vagina. | ||
| They're like, well, when you use it, you watch pornography. | ||
| That was an actual argument. | ||
| How come you can't do it with your imagination? | ||
| It has to involve pornography. | ||
| Joe, how many documentaries have you done on DMT and drugs? | ||
| So the drug industry is okay, but the porn industry, the Janet Jackson nipple industry, is just out of control. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know what you just said. | ||
| You might be a little bit too high to talk right now, young man. | ||
| No, I'm saying, how many documentaries have you done about drugs? | ||
| I've done a couple documentaries on drugs. | ||
| So the drug industry to your managers, fine. | ||
| No, the drug industry is not really an industry. | ||
| The idea is that a documentary is different because it's just your opinion on a certain subject, whereas this is an endorsement. | ||
| That's the argument. | ||
| Endorsement. | ||
| Endorsement. | ||
| So if you were endorsed by marijuana, it would probably be bad, too. | ||
| Marijuana is illegal. | ||
| You are endorsed by marijuana. | ||
| I am endorsed by marijuana. | ||
| Marijuana actually not only sponsors this show, it writes most of the material and causes most of the things to happen. | ||
| He's the producer. | ||
| Marijuana is the secret producer. | ||
| Trainwreck is the producer. | ||
| This week it was Green Crack. | ||
| Green Crack. | ||
| Executive producer. | ||
| Secret executive producer of this show this week. | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| So this is a real argument right now. | ||
| The real argument is that if I endorse this thing, that somehow or another it would be a bad thing. | ||
| God, look at the packaging on it. | ||
| I think that's the butthole. | ||
| Is that a butt? | ||
| Maybe that's the vagina. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| If it is, it's super tight. | ||
| Can I feel it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Let me just touch it. | ||
| Give me one and a half. | ||
| Fucking weirdo. | ||
| I want one and a half. | ||
| Do you have the Lupe one? | ||
| They have a Lupe. | ||
| If you guys know Lupe, she's on the Howard Stern show. | ||
| This is like Christmas. | ||
| Listen to this anal motherfucker. | ||
| Clear the table of all the junk. | ||
| Listen, this is way less annoying than the way I used to have it set up. | ||
| Yeah, there's some junk on the table. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| I'll take this down. | ||
| Move this out of the way. | ||
| Will that help you? | ||
| It does look a little better if I do that. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I'm cleaning up for you guys. | ||
| That's the difference between the Ustream crowd and the iPhone, iPad, iPod crowd. | ||
| So that's the fleshlight, fella. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Enjoy it. | ||
| I got the stamina training unit. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah, that's to practice to be longer in bed. | ||
| It says, every man knows the only way to get better is to practice. | ||
| If you can last 10 minutes in the unit, you can last 20 minutes in bed with anyone. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's bold. | ||
| That's strong words. | ||
| That was one of the things that this guy was telling us. | ||
| One of the more fascinating things about this whole thing was the actual therapeutic applications of the fleshlight. | ||
| And this sounds like nonsense. | ||
| Sounds like someone's just justifying trying to fuck a rubber pussy. | ||
| But no. | ||
| They use them for a bunch of different therapeutic reasons. | ||
| And one of them is people in certain religions aren't allowed to touch their penis. | ||
| And because they're not allowed to touch their penis, these guys, he said the Hasidic Jews in particular, actually have a hard time orgasming when they have sex with women because they're so used to like fucking pillows. | ||
| Because they do most of their masturbation like grabbing a sheet or grabbing a pillow. | ||
| This is his words, not mine. | ||
| This could be totally nonsense. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have not researched this at all. | ||
| That's my caveat. | ||
| But he said that the fleshlight is actually covered by some insurance policies as therapy. | ||
| As sexual therapy to get them to learn how to orgasm with a vagina instead of fucking some rough pillow. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have not validated this. | ||
| It makes sense to me. | ||
| It totally makes sense to me. | ||
| And the other reason for the fleshlight is it trains guys not to prematurely ejaculate. | ||
| And guys who have problems with premature ejaculation, they can practice in the fleshlight. | ||
| That's the idea. | ||
| You're supposed to take this tube out. | ||
| Oh, that doesn't feel good. | ||
| That is a metal, it's a plastic, hard-ass tube in there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't get too crazy. | ||
| Don't pull your dick outside. | ||
| I'll fucking panic. | ||
| So, I don't think there's any... | ||
| Look, obviously we all masturbate. | ||
| It's silly at this point in this stage of life to deny that. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's dumb. | ||
| So, if we all masturbate, what's wrong with this thing? | ||
| What's wrong with this? | ||
| You know what's great? | ||
| I do things like smoke cigarettes. | ||
| I used to smoke cigarettes in the car and it's out of the boredom of my hand. | ||
| I think therapeutically I could put this in my car and instead of smoking a cigarette just finger it because it feels so good. | ||
|
unidentified
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I mean, don't touch mine but feel your own. | |
| I mean, that's something to do with my hand. | ||
| That feels good. | ||
| That feels like I'm playing with one of those stress balls but it actually feels like I'm 10% woman doing it. | ||
| Fuck touching a woman. | ||
| 10% strong numbers. | ||
| A strong number, son. | ||
| I think there is a lot of things like that because there was something else he was saying about people, like a lot of medical reasons. | ||
| What was something else that he said besides that religion? | ||
| There was like doctors that would use it for... | ||
| Well, we already covered that. | ||
| Doctors use it for premature ejaculation and for religions that don't masturbate. | ||
| You're way too high to be talking right now, son. | ||
| I was busy with my lady. | ||
| Here, he's blasted. | ||
| He's distracted. | ||
| That's why I tried to keep the iPad away from him. | ||
| I told you I took one too many hits today. | ||
| He did take one too many. | ||
| He went over the deep end, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| You're peeing outside. | ||
| It's my fault. | ||
| So what I don't understand, and I definitely want to hear from you guys, just let me know on Twitter at Joe Rogan. | ||
| Just my name now, Joe Rogan. | ||
| It used to be D-O-T-N-E-T dot net because some dude cyber squatted on my name. | ||
| But I got it back. | ||
| Thank you very much, Twitter. | ||
| My account got verified and all that shit. | ||
| I want to know. | ||
| Do you think it's ridiculous? | ||
| Because I think it's ridiculous. | ||
| Is there really a bunch of you out there that would not want to see something that I'm doing, whatever the fuck it is, because you know that I support rubber pussies? | ||
| Is it possible that that could cost somebody business? | ||
| I mean, in this day and age when the fucking Pope, okay, is not being brought to justice for shielding child molesters, you're really gonna get upset at me if I endorse a rubber pussy? | ||
| I mean, the Pope is endorsed by the goddamn presidents of every goddamn country in the world, and this guy shielded pedophiles. | ||
| I mean, it's a fact. | ||
| He did. | ||
| He's a part of the problem with the Catholic Church. | ||
| That motherfucker is accepted everywhere. | ||
| Am I comparing myself to the Pope? | ||
| I guess I am, folks. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| There's some grandiose illusions of grandeur in my head. | ||
| It's because I've always wanted to wear a dope-ass robe. | ||
| Show up for work dressed like a Merlin. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbating. | ||
| Obviously, you don't either. | ||
| We all do it. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong with a product that makes masturbation easier or better. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I support it. | ||
| So I'm not going to listen to my managers. | ||
| I'm going to tell them to go fuck themselves. | ||
| But I love them. | ||
| He made an awesome point. | ||
| Women in their dildos and their vibrators, when people get married at bachelor parties and stuff, that's like a joke. | ||
| And that's their toy. | ||
| Guys have never really had any real legit toys. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| This is the first one. | ||
| Yeah, it actually makes sense. | ||
| Instead of using your hand, wouldn't you use something that feels a hundred times better? | ||
| Yeah, that is the argument. | ||
| I can't wait to fuck it and I'm going to get a cantaloupe, put it in the microwave, put a little hole in it and warm it up a little. | ||
| I'm going to fuck that first, wait a half hour, and then fuck this and see which one's better. | ||
| The cantaloupe is your move, right? | ||
| You've done that before. | ||
| I've done it before. | ||
| It's great because after you fuck it, you can totally eat it still. | ||
| You just wash it out. | ||
| Don't eat the layer. | ||
| You've done it? | ||
| Yeah, don't eat the layer. | ||
| Don't eat the layer. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm rude. | |
| Someone calling me during my fucking podcast. | ||
| I would shut that off if I knew where it was. | ||
| Please shut it off. | ||
| Yeah, Jeff Sussman Management. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| They're listening to the podcast right now. | ||
| Like, hey, man. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Let's not talk about this, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let's not put this out there. | ||
| Dude, what if he is angry? | ||
| That's funny that you're managers. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| They could stop because you'd start talking about... | ||
| No, just... | ||
| Listen. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's hilarious. | ||
| They called right when we're talking about them. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You know, I see what they're saying. | ||
| They're trying to protect me from, like, you know, if I had to do a show like Fear Factor or something like that, maybe that could be a problem with some producers. | ||
| Yeah, but you're talking about fucking horses' dicks. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like you've got to take me as I am, you know? | ||
| I'm not a bad guy. | ||
| Whenever you're ever to say the sins or something. | ||
| And I don't want to do some sort... | ||
| I don't want to do a Fear Factor again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I really don't. | ||
| I mean, it's so tempting not to for the money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But I've got to do something more interesting. | ||
| I've got to do shit that I like doing because I have so much more fun. | ||
| So it's almost like getting in bed with a flashlight protects me from doing anything stupid that I know I'll do for money. | ||
| It's just so easy when something like Fear Factor comes along and they're like, hey, we're going to give you... | ||
| All this money every week and all you have to do is just show up and watch people do stupid shit. | ||
| You're like, fuck, it's so easy to get that money. | ||
| It's so difficult, but you've got to pass on it. | ||
| You really do. | ||
| It was good that I did it, but at a certain point in time you have to pass on doing those things. | ||
| Because if you don't... | ||
| You're just going to be bitter. | ||
| By the way, you're talking about old TV while you're doing new TV. This is way easier. | ||
| We could have never had a fucking show like this that reaches as many people as this thing does, including the podcast on iTunes and this thing on Ustream. | ||
| And there's no fucking way we could have ever gotten someone to agree to let us practice a TV show. | ||
| This is what we're going to do. | ||
| We're going to start off just fucking around with boxes of shit behind me piled up on the desk. | ||
| And then eventually we're going to move on to trying to have a real show with a desk and real microphones. | ||
| And the sound is much better. | ||
| We've got a top-end MP3 recorder. | ||
| And then the next thing, we've got Ustream producer. | ||
| We're going to have high-def cameras in here. | ||
| And eventually we're going to figure out how to do it all through a TriCaster. | ||
| So that we can have a background and we'll put a green screen out behind us. | ||
| We never thought that this was going to happen. | ||
| This is just a goof. | ||
| Not that this is any big deal. | ||
| This could have happened. | ||
| But that it's this easy and this fun and people would enjoy it this much. | ||
| I could have never done this on television. | ||
| They would have never let me. | ||
| And if they did, they would never let me just do it the way we did. | ||
| They would just wing it and talk about whatever. | ||
| For the first fucking ten weeks, we didn't even plan what we were going to talk about. | ||
| We would just get in there, turn it on, and just talk about it. | ||
| So, I completely lost what the fuck I was talking about. | ||
| I completely lost what I was saying. | ||
| I know what my point is. | ||
| My point is that this is new TV, and you're right. | ||
| It protects me, really, if I do something like the flashlight or any of the ridiculous shit I do, it protects me from doing any dumb stuff. | ||
| fear factor type shit in the future it's so funny because there is a pretty direct line on the old tv where the new tv is mixing with the old tv right now i was watching family guy and the episode involved a dog licking out a baby's asshole but it was on the last episode had that uh where brian the dog ate out stewie's asshole and cleaned shit off his ass How is that possible? | ||
| And we're talking about masturbating, having a problem with masturbating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's incredible. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| I'll have to see that episode. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| It's the best episode. | ||
| Download last episode of Family Guy. | ||
| They're trapped in a bank vault or something like that. | ||
| And it is so fucking ridiculous. | ||
| The shit that they get away with on regular primetime television. | ||
| And we're talking about fucking a rubber thing. | ||
| I think when you're as successful as they are or as successful as South Park is, you basically can do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| Because people want to be on your show. | ||
| Advertisers, rather. | ||
| They want to advertise on your show. | ||
| I mean, your show is gigantic. | ||
| South Park has just got such a loyal legion of followers that at this point in time, until the Mohammed thing, they pretty much got away with doing almost anything they wanted for a long time. | ||
| That's crazy about the Mohammed thing, because in New York City, they just captured the guy, the bomber, and there's a connection that people are starting to make between a Republican senator or something like that said that they think there might be a connection between the two, but they haven't proved anything yet. | ||
| Well, you know, I mean, that's a good thing to speculate automatically that there might be a connection, but yeah, who the fuck knows? | ||
| What if there was, man? | ||
| What if there was? | ||
| Pretty ridiculous. | ||
| Listen, man, people are that dumb. | ||
| There are people that really do believe that you're not supposed to make fun of them at all, and if you do, you're supposed to die. | ||
| Like, that's the worst example of human beings in the world. | ||
| And the problem with the Middle East, and this is what I've always talked about, I've talked about it as a joke in my act, but it really is kind of true. | ||
| One of the reasons why they're so arcane in their ways, what are you doing, trying to adjust the sound? | ||
| One of the reasons why they're so arcane in their ways is that that's where culture began. | ||
| The oldest known civilization that we know of is Sumer, and that's where Iraq is. | ||
| So basically, the people that are still in that area are like the townies of the world. | ||
| I mean, they're really stuck on some fucking multi-thousand-year-old shit. | ||
| And us being in America, it's not that America is better than other countries, but one advantage that America has is that we're the most recent country. | ||
| So we're all from somewhere that sucked. | ||
| Every one of us here, we came from somewhere that sucked, or our ancestors came from somewhere that sucked. | ||
| And they congregated to this one place to get the most fresh ideas, supposedly. | ||
| To be the most progressive. | ||
| Because they're at the furthest ahead of the curve. | ||
| But people in the Middle East, that's the furthest, that's the beginning point of the curve. | ||
| They really are the fucking townies of the world. | ||
| And that's why there's the problem with this fucking cartoon thing. | ||
| Is that these motherfuckers really do believe that there's some magical motherfucker that you're not supposed to draw. | ||
| I mean, it's bananas. | ||
| That is the enemy of evolution. | ||
| This ancient ideology, this... | ||
| This fucking ridiculous idea that somehow or another, several thousand years ago, they had it wired. | ||
| They had it figured out back then. | ||
| Even though they didn't know jack shit about medicine, about the constellations. | ||
| They didn't know anything. | ||
| But they had it wired. | ||
| They knew. | ||
| They knew what was going on. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| The fact that there's people willing to die for that. | ||
| That in 2010, that is still rocking. | ||
| It is amazing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Tom Cruise is the same way, too. | ||
| Dude, personally, I think that the scariest thing is not even the Middle East. | ||
| I don't think the scariest thing in this world is that ideology. | ||
| I think that's very scary. | ||
| But to me, what's scarier is what's happening in Mexico and the fact that Mexico is connected to us. | ||
| And Mexico is in the middle of gigantic gang wars between the police and these gang cartels that have fucking billions of dollars. | ||
| These guys have insane amounts of money because that's the only way you can make money. | ||
| So it's basically like... | ||
| I mean, that's not the only way you can make money in Mexico. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| I'm saying, you know, they're totally illegal. | ||
| To sell cocaine, it has to be sold illegal. | ||
| You can't sell it legally. | ||
| You can't regulate it and tax it. | ||
| You can't do anything with it. | ||
| You have to sell it illegally. | ||
| So people are going to buy cocaine. | ||
| They're going to buy cocaine from Mexico, and someone's going to get that money. | ||
| Who the fuck's going to get that money? | ||
| Well, these drug lords have all that money, and now they're more powerful than the police. | ||
| And they've got U.S. troops that are going in there now and fucking helping out. | ||
| I mean, it's bananas down there, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're fucking warring in the streets with tanks. | ||
| What's bananas is people are still going there for vacations. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| They just had to report how the last spring break, that was still one of the hot spots for people to go for spring break. | ||
| If they were Muslims, we'd be fucked. | ||
| The fact that they're Christians and they're not into blowing themselves up for Jesus. | ||
| They're into... | ||
| I mean, what's going on is it's a lot of money and a lot of influence and a lot of people that, you know, get illegal money and they're dominating the actual political system over there. | ||
| And as many as they try to raid, there's so many more of them. | ||
| It's such a fucking hard fight because they let them like dig in and get infested. | ||
| There's just so many fucking gigantic cartels with just tons and tons of money and guns. | ||
| It's so frightening. | ||
| But if they were the enemy, if that was Muslim... | ||
| If Pakistan was right next door to us and this shit was going down, it would be even scarier. | ||
| It really would. | ||
| Because for some reason, the Mexicans aren't blaming the Americans. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| It's like, Mexican people are pretty proud people. | ||
| And they're not blaming a lot of what's going on. | ||
| Because they have a lot of family here, that's why. | ||
| They're not going to fuck with half of their families. | ||
| Well, it's also, I mean, it's really clear what happened. | ||
| Mexico wanted to make drugs legal. | ||
| They wanted to decriminalize them and make them legal. | ||
| And make it so that people can sell them and tax them and all that. | ||
| And the United States said, no fucking way. | ||
| Like, no way. | ||
| And if you don't have laws and you're involved in a business like selling drugs, you're going to have criminals. | ||
| Because even when you have laws, we have things like pharmaceutical companies. | ||
| I mean, pharmaceutical companies are basically legal drug dealers. | ||
| And they're dealing shit that kills motherfuckers every day. | ||
| There's always people dropping off from Vicodin and Percocet. | ||
| I remember when I got my nose fixed, when I got my deviated septum operated on, the doctor gave me a Vicodin We're good to go. | ||
| Fuckloads! | ||
| Dude, they give those things out like candy. | ||
| Well, right after I decided not to accept the prescription, a study came out showing that the FDA, Food and Drug Administration, they're going to recommend cutting way back on prescriptions. | ||
| And they recommend that doctors do not prescribe them because of liver damage and because of addiction. | ||
| Oh, I have probably four half full bottles of Vicodin laying around just from going to the dentist. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Do they talk to you? | ||
| The Vicodin bottles? | ||
| Only when I sleep. | ||
| Like in the middle of the night. | ||
| They wake up and they're combing my hair. | ||
| You go, dude, you're really stressed right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know how I feel better? | |
| Actually, I hate Vicodin. | ||
| Just chew me up, man. | ||
| I hate Vicodin. | ||
| I hate feeling... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just chew me up. | |
| I just feel gross. | ||
| When I do Vicodin. | ||
| I've only done Vicodin once when I had my first knee operation. | ||
| I've had three knee operations, two ACL reconstructions, one meniscus surgery. | ||
| The first time I had the ACL done, it was pretty painful because they did what's called a patella tendon graft. | ||
| I have this scar that goes from here to here. | ||
| And what they do is they take a chunk of bone out of your knee and a chunk of bone out of your shin and they cut this big tendon, they cut a slice of it off with the bone. | ||
| And then they open you up like a fish and they drill it in place. | ||
| So they take this tendon and they make it smaller to make you a fake tendon for the ACL. And it's apparently supposed to be physically stronger than the original ACL. The point is, you got holes in your bones and screws in your bones and it hurts like a bitch. | ||
| When you get up, especially when you're sitting down and then you get up, it's way more pain. | ||
| I have the other one done with a cadaver, so I got a dead dude's shit in this knee. | ||
| But the one with the ACL where they do the surgery where they take it off the bone is way, way, way more painful. | ||
| I'd get up from the couch and be like watching TV and it was just like hot lava, just hot lead just going right into my bones. | ||
| It was so fucking painful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| And I took a Vicodin. | ||
| That was the only time I ever took one. | ||
| And I felt so stupid. | ||
| Just so drugged. | ||
| And my jaw was slack. | ||
| And I was watching TV. And I thought to myself while I was under it, I was like, I will never take this dumb shit again. | ||
| This stuff's terrible. | ||
| It's weird how some people are the exact opposite. | ||
| They'll fucking give you 20 bucks for a Vicodin. | ||
| Well, what basically we're trying to say is there's no fucking difference between Vicodins and heroin and Oxycontins and heroin are really the same thing. | ||
| There's no fucking difference between pharmaceutical companies and drug dealers. | ||
| The only difference is the drug dealers don't have to work within the law. | ||
| The pharmaceutical companies, they have to bribe politicians. | ||
| They have to wax doctors. | ||
| You know what they do with doctors? | ||
| They take everybody out to dinner. | ||
| Mrs. Rogan, her mom is a nurse and she works with these pharmaceutical companies. | ||
| These nurses, they don't make much money and they don't get to go out to fancy dinners. | ||
| Well, the pharmaceutical companies come along and say, hey, Viagra's going to take us out on a nice dinner. | ||
| And they all get to go to a nice restaurant and have a nice meal. | ||
| And it's all on these pharmaceutical companies. | ||
| They pay for the drinks. | ||
| They pay for everything. | ||
| And so these people are more likely to talk nice about their pharmaceuticals. | ||
| So they prescribe them more. | ||
| You know what's fucked up about that? | ||
| I've thought about that also. | ||
| When I go to the doctor... | ||
| I was at the doctor recently. | ||
| Viagra was a poor example. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| I went to the doctors the other day for acid reflux. | ||
| Because sometimes after I eat too much caffeine, onions, or I drink too much, I kind of feel like I have acid coming up from my throat. | ||
| It makes my throat feel tight and all this other stuff. | ||
| You've had this for a long time. | ||
| Yeah, I've had it for a while. | ||
| So I finally went to the doctor the other day, digestive doctor, and I told him everything I had. | ||
| And then he's like, oh, let me give you some samples. | ||
| He gave me a garbage bag almost full of this sample. | ||
| It was called the bluepill.com. | ||
| I don't remember what the name of it, but it was the bluepill.com or something like that. | ||
| And I'm thinking, you know what, I wonder if this is even the best thing I could be taking right now or if this guy just got paid to give me a bottle. | ||
| Because he gave me like 20 bottles of samples and coupons and books. | ||
| And I take it and I'm like, yeah, I guess that kind of is better. | ||
| But I don't know if I'm just tricking myself or if I have to go back there and make a second appointment just to be like, look, whatever you gave me, that's bullshit. | ||
| Well, we know for sure that doctors are influenced by pharmaceutical companies. | ||
| You know, they give them money. | ||
| They get money for, they were getting, I don't know if this is still true or still legal or if there's different states that have different laws. | ||
| I don't know how it all works. | ||
| But from what I understand, doctors have been busted where they're getting a percentage of the amount of sales that they have. | ||
| Like say if they sell, you know, X amount of Valiums, they get a kickback from the pharmaceutical company. | ||
| That should absolutely be illegal. | ||
| I mean, that's crazy. | ||
| That's bananas. | ||
| Hopefully technology helps that, though. | ||
| So when they try to prescribe something, like a million topics come, text to your phone, and you go, actually, no, I want to take this one. | ||
| This one's better. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, like an iPhone app that tells you your doctor's trying to get you hooked on something. | ||
| Yeah, you turn it on, and when the doctor comes in... | ||
| No, we're not trying to shit on doctors or anything, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| The whole system is fucked up. | ||
| And when you're a doctor and you're struggling to get along and you have to pay an insane amount of malpractice insurance, I mean, malpractice insurance for doctors is goddamn brutal. | ||
| And then you have all these assholes that want to sue you for fucking nothing, for no reason, for shit getting wrong, for you getting an infection, for things that are totally unavoidable. | ||
| I'm not saying the doctor's perfect, but it's hard for doctors. | ||
| Their medical school bills are gigantic. | ||
| They're fucking huge. | ||
| All of a sudden, some pharmaceutical company comes along and says, hey, you're still helping all these people. | ||
| You're still doing a great thing. | ||
| We just would love it if you would tell them, take Vioxx if you have arthritis. | ||
| These doctors say, yeah, I could do that. | ||
| We'll be in on a deal with you guys. | ||
| We'll give you a share in the company. | ||
| We'll give you a certain percentage. | ||
| For every Vioxx bottle you sell, we'll give you X percent. | ||
| And so they don't think they're doing anything wrong. | ||
| Vioxx is something that was created to help people. | ||
| This person has a pain. | ||
| I'll give them this. | ||
| It'll help their pain. | ||
| And I'll profit. | ||
| And they don't even think it's a bad thing. | ||
| And the next thing you know, they're prescribing it way more than they did before, especially nutty pills. | ||
| There's been many studies done on people who take on antidepressants and how people have gone to psychiatrists just for experimentation purposes, just to write stories on it. | ||
| And just say, hey, I'm just having trouble sleeping. | ||
| I just feel shitty all day. | ||
| I don't know what to do. | ||
| Here, take this. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| Have Zoloft. | ||
| You'll feel better. | ||
| They're just dishing it out. | ||
| Try this for a little bit and tell us how you feel. | ||
| We're fucking with human neurochemistry and we're allowing these heartless pharmaceutical companies to do it? | ||
| You can't do that, man. | ||
| There's got to be more oversight. | ||
| I know there's a lot of money involved in pharmaceuticals and I know that there's a lot of pharmaceuticals that do a lot of good for a lot of people. | ||
| I'm not saying there's anything bad about it, but there's got to be way more oversight because they have so much shit out there that you can get addicted to. | ||
| There's so much that will fuck your life up and it's readily available. | ||
| Oxycontins, fucking Percocets, Valiums, Vicodins, those fucking things will crush you. | ||
| And somehow or another, those guys are doing something that's way more acceptable than someone who sells pot or coke. | ||
| Or fucks a rubber vagina. | ||
| Or fucks a rubber vagina. | ||
| Those people are looked at as heroes, doctors and stuff, but yet, if you talk about this... | ||
| You know, bad person. | ||
| Well, you know, I mean, look, doctors are heroes, man. | ||
| The doctors that have fixed me up, I mean, forever in their debt. | ||
| The guy who fixed my nose, the guys who fixed my knees. | ||
| You know, if it wasn't for them, my nose would suck and I wouldn't be able to walk that good. | ||
| You know, I mean, doctors are fucking awesome. | ||
| I'm not saying that. | ||
| I'm just saying we live in this ridiculous state of hypocrisy. | ||
| Because there's certain drugs that we make illegal, you literally aren't supposed to have them. | ||
| It's not that you can get them prescribed if you need them or they can monitor you. | ||
| No, you're not allowed to. | ||
| Big Daddy, who knows more than you, tells you that if you're with this drug, we're going to lock you in a cage. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Is that set up so that the people who really appreciate and recognize the merits in the psychedelic drugs rise up so that they realize they have to literally overthrow the culture, the way of thinking? | ||
| Not overthrow, rather, but overturn the way the culture accepts drugs? | ||
| Because that's the only thing that seems to make sense. | ||
| All the beneficial ones are illegal. | ||
| You don't ever hear about someone talking to you about they did Valium and they just really had this life-changing experience and learned to love everyone. | ||
| No, you don't have that fucking on Valium. | ||
| I felt connected to the universe and I realized that I'm just a part of a never-ending process and my biology is trying to hold on to everything and that's where the insecurity comes from. | ||
| No, you don't get that from fucking Valium, okay? | ||
| You get that from mushrooms. | ||
| And mushrooms grow outside, and if they catch you with them, they put you in a cage. | ||
| If they come by your fucking house, and you have mushrooms growing under a tree in your backyard, they are legally allowed to lock you in a box. | ||
| They can take you and arrest you. | ||
| That's fucking bananas! | ||
| Bananas. | ||
| And that, our enforcing, our ridiculous thinking on the Mexican people, is why those drug cartels got into power. | ||
| Is that a conspiracy theory? | ||
| Perhaps. | ||
| Is that a little bit of tinfoil hat? | ||
| Perhaps. | ||
| Yeah, maybe, but some of that tinfoil hat shit is on the money, and I think it is with this. | ||
| We live right next to a country that's involved in a way more deadly war than the one going on in Afghanistan or going on in Iraq. | ||
| Both of them combined can't even touch the body counts that are happening in Mexico right next door. | ||
| They're killing motherfuckers! | ||
| They're going crazy over there, dude! | ||
| And you can get there by walking. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I mean, we're all invested in Afghanistan and securing Afghanistan. | ||
| Meanwhile, we live right next to a fucking third world country. | ||
| We are connected to them with an invisible line and they're involved in the bloodiest pharmaceutical war that's ever been fought in the history of this earth. | ||
| The illegal pharmaceutical war. | ||
| They're fighting it with goddamn tanks. | ||
| They're fighting a pharmaceutical war with tanks. | ||
| And that's what the war is. | ||
| The war is who gets to sell your shit. | ||
| Is it going to be people that have no law whatsoever or is it going to be people that have laws? | ||
| And if you say it's going to be people that have laws and that the other stuff you're not going to allow, well then someone's going to sell that other stuff because there's a goddamn demand for it. | ||
| Shit's dangerous everywhere. | ||
| Did you hear about this West Hollywood like yesterday? | ||
| Or something like that? | ||
| A woman walks into Target at West Hollywood and just starts fucking stabbing or shooting people. | ||
| I think shooting people. | ||
| Shot four people and finally was taken down by a undercover cop. | ||
| You can't say I think. | ||
| You gotta do a Google app, motherfucker. | ||
| This is the age of the internet, son. | ||
| You can't be using like 1984 type storytelling skills. | ||
| While I look this up, give us some facts about Target. | ||
| Well, Target is an awesome place if you want to buy some shit. | ||
| They usually have it there. | ||
| However, Target would not carry the rubber pussy. | ||
| Target frowns upon the rubber pussy. | ||
| Woman stabs four people in West Hollywood. | ||
| She's 34 years old, entered the store, attacked shoppers with a butcher knife and a steak knife. | ||
| An off-duty LA County Sheriff's deputy and store security guards apprehended her. | ||
| Thank God those guys were there. | ||
| Thank God someone had some fucking balls. | ||
| I hope they brained that bitch. | ||
| When they took her out, they should have just shoved that fucking knife right into her heart. | ||
| You know, you're in the middle of a battle, a knife battle, with a knife-wielding assailant. | ||
| You should just stick that fucking thing right in her neck. | ||
| Wow, she was yelling, I'm bipolar. | ||
| There's no witness protection program. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| See, at that point, we have to know when to kill people. | ||
| We really do. | ||
| You can't bring that person back and reintroduce them to society. | ||
| Life is short and you have fucked it up so bad. | ||
| There's just no way of coming back from that. | ||
| We just gotta start from scratch. | ||
| And it sends a message to all the other people out there thinking about going nutty. | ||
| Don't go that nutty. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Don't go running into Target and fucking stabbing people. | ||
| We're not gonna allow that shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| We're so goddamn tolerant of fucking loonies. | ||
| Just kill them. | ||
| Have you seen those back... | ||
| I think I talked about this the other day. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about it the other day when we were talking to the fleshlight dude. | ||
| The new piercings where they have up and down your back, they have hoops and then they take laces and go back and forth like it's a dress and they tie bows and stuff with it. | ||
| I was thinking, how fucking crazy is that? | ||
| Even piercings are crazy. | ||
| I remember back in the day, it was left hoop, right hoop. | ||
| If you're crazy, you went eyebrow. | ||
| If you're really nutty, you went eyebrow. | ||
| Then it moved on to the belly button. | ||
| Some crazy girls got nipples and clits. | ||
| Now they're fucking making clothes out of your skin. | ||
| I think you should probably talk to that microphone more. | ||
| It's pumped up. | ||
| It's getting to the point where now it's like laces back and forth. | ||
| You're making skin dresses. | ||
| That's how crazy piercing is. | ||
| What he's talking about is a series of loops that these women are putting on their bodies and their back and they make it like shoelaces. | ||
| It's the trippiest thing ever. | ||
| When you see someone, that's a girl who doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| She won't even blink if you fuck her in the ass. | ||
| She'll be like, what? | ||
| There was a girl standing outside of my grocery store trying to do Greenpeace, whatever that shit is, and she had that whole thing up and down with a bra on. | ||
| Do you think that that's the message? | ||
| That the message is that they can take all sorts of crazy pain? | ||
| That's the sexiness of the message? | ||
| I think that or... | ||
| People are just getting weird about skin. | ||
| Yeah, but is that maybe the sexiness of the message? | ||
| What it is is that, you know, what you're doing is you're taking lust to the next level. | ||
| Because everything has got to go to the next level now. | ||
| Because we have this crazy access to information, you know, like people are fucking way different than they fucked like in like the 1970s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, no one is accepting, you know, lights out, you know, just fucking and no dirty talk, no nothing, missionary style, rollover, kiss goodnight, go to sleep. | ||
| No one's accepting that. | ||
| Everyone's Going lobster style. | ||
| And this is all because of the internet, because pornography has changed the way people look at sex. | ||
| And what they're talking about, a lot of people are talking about there's a problem with young girls right now getting all sorts of problems with their buttholes because they're having butt sex way early and all the time. | ||
| There's going to be a lot of 30-year-old women in a couple years from now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With diapers on. | |
| Yeah, the diapers on. | ||
| And that's going to be the hot fashion. | ||
| Hot fashion with your pampers. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| No, you know what's going to be the big operation? | ||
| It's not going to be Botox. | ||
| It's going to be getting your butthole tightened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Get your butthole brought back to reality. | ||
| Or get like a filter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For a while, you're going to have to use a colostomy bag for a little while until your butthole recovers from the surgery. | ||
| That shit's real, man. | ||
| What are these people doing? | ||
| You know what they're doing? | ||
| They're getting everything to the highest level possible. | ||
| That's what these piercings are about. | ||
| That's why guys think girls who are tattooed up are sexy. | ||
| What's sexy about tattoos is if you have tattoos, you know how much fucking pain it causes. | ||
| It's so goddamn painful. | ||
| So you see someone with tattoos, you're like, that's someone who doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| And that's the sexiness of it. | ||
| But shit. | ||
| We're bananas, man. | ||
| Our society is going in a very, very, very, very strange direction. | ||
| Oh, it's ridiculous. | ||
| The age of information is not necessarily aiding it entirely because people aren't necessarily using the information on the internet to make an objective opinion. | ||
| They're usually trying to find stuff that reinforces their own current opinion. | ||
| It's a very tempting thing. | ||
| With ideas on the internet, you've got to look at both sides of it. | ||
| But a lot of people aren't. | ||
| So it's like almost helping retards be retarded. | ||
| If they can find other sites that say the earth is flat and dinosaurs lived with people 6,000 years ago. | ||
| You can find plenty of sites if you look around. | ||
| It tells you that evolution is retarded. | ||
| You can have plenty of sites that will have guys who are doctors and they're scientists. | ||
| They're obviously crazy. | ||
| But they're telling people that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that carbon dating is not real, and that evolution is a myth, and that we had to come from somewhere, so there has to be a God, and that the Bible can prove the Bible mathematically. | ||
| They start talking nutty talk, and these are doctors and scientists. | ||
| So if you just look for them, you'll decide on their point of view. | ||
| If you just look at any one side of any issue, you can get your answers reinforced. | ||
| So the problem with that is, People are just getting their answers reinforced, or questions rather, reinforced. | ||
| They're not necessarily learning. | ||
| They're finding other retards who have set up websites that confirm their retarded ideas. | ||
| That's kind of a little bit of a problem. | ||
| That's one problem with the internet. | ||
| The other part of it is just magnificent. | ||
| The other part of it is people who are open-minded, who are really using it as this crazy network of information, and they're really learning like at this It's an incredible, exponentially expanding rate. | ||
| We're learning shit and we're so much more aware of shit than our parents were. | ||
| We're so much more aware of information. | ||
| There's so much more shit going on that you have to store in your head. | ||
| When I talk to my mom about the world, what's going on in the world, I feel like I'm talking to my daughter. | ||
| There's a level of understanding that our generation has reached. | ||
| That really hasn't been reached before. | ||
| Is that just an age thing, though? | ||
| No, it's the internet, man. | ||
| It's the internet, yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's acceleration. | ||
| I mean, I think our parents were smarter than their parents, and their parents were smarter than their parents. | ||
| And, you know, it's always been that way, that we evolve, and as we evolve, we get brighter. | ||
| And you can see that in culture. | ||
| You can see that in, like, the movies that they used to watch in the 1940s. | ||
| They're fucking horrible. | ||
| I mean, they're way worse than the bad movies we have today. | ||
| It doesn't even have to be the 1940s. | ||
| The other day I watched Reality Bites. | ||
| I don't know if you remember that movie. | ||
| It had, what's his name, Ben Stiller, Janine Garofalo. | ||
| It had all these famous people. | ||
| It had awesome soundtracks. | ||
| What was the other one that you were telling me that you made your girl watch? | ||
| You thought it was an awesome movie at the time, but it was fucking terrible and she was mad at you? | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Oh, Can't Buy Me Love. | ||
| Reality Bites, though. | ||
| Those are the McDreamy. | ||
| McDreamy. | ||
| McDreamy's in it and he used to mow lawns and he paid the most popular... | ||
| And he bagged all those brats. | ||
| And he was delivering pizzas? | ||
| Isn't that the same one? | ||
| No. | ||
| He paid the most popular girl to be his girlfriend for a week and then he became too popular and then she spilled cranberry juice on a dress. | ||
| But I watched that the other day. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| But Reality Bites, horrible. | ||
| Like, really uncomfortable to watch. | ||
| But the worst disturbing thing is I used to have a crush on Janine Garofalo back in that time period. | ||
| I thought she was like, oh, she's a hot comic girl. | ||
| She's so hot. | ||
| I looked at that movie and almost puked because of how ugly she was. | ||
| And I want to know what the fuck... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't be so mean. | |
| Listen, she's not that ugly. | ||
| Don't be rude. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| You're being rude. | ||
| No, in the movie. | ||
| Her character in the movie. | ||
| Her character in that movie. | ||
| This is what happened. | ||
| You used to have different tastes. | ||
| Now you're into the porn star look. | ||
| That's all cool. | ||
| That's all cool. | ||
| But back then, you weren't, man. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Everybody has a look. | ||
| If you watched the movie, you could see the line where her makeup was. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Listen, that's not what's important. | ||
| What's important is the evolution of culture. | ||
| What's important in this conversation is not your fucking weird thing with Janine Garofalo. | ||
| I'm just saying, I evolved. | ||
| That movie to me is awful. | ||
| We all have. | ||
| It's embarrassingly bad. | ||
| A movie like that, I watched Altered States. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| Altered States totally does not hold up. | ||
| To me, that movie changed my life because that's the movie that got me into the isolation tanks. | ||
| If it wasn't for Altered States, I probably never would have a tank in my basement and And when that tank in my basement has changed the way I look at the world, that thing is like my reset button. | ||
| Whenever I got anything that's fucking with my head, that tank kicks me the real deal every time. | ||
| It's like my guidebook. | ||
| It's like literally to me, my isolation tank is like my connection to the spirit world. | ||
| It's like my spirit guide. | ||
| It sounds completely retarded. | ||
| And gay and it sounds new agey. | ||
| But that's what it feels like. | ||
| When I get in there and I just zone, I just disappear. | ||
| My body disappears. | ||
| When my mind has no sensory input, when I'm just floating through space in that tank, I get truth. | ||
| I get straight truth about everything I've ever done, about anything that I've ever done where I was the douchebag, anything that I've ever watched where I can re-watch things that have happened in my life and see where I've personally made mistakes, things that I've done well, things that I could have avoided, reasons why people are upset at me. | ||
| Everything kicks you. | ||
| And then it kicks me everything about, what am I doing wrong in my personal life? | ||
| What am I doing wrong in my career? | ||
| What am I doing wrong in my comedy? | ||
| What am I doing wrong in my writing? | ||
| Here's what you can eliminate. | ||
| Here's what you can do better. | ||
| Almost never, like, it's never a praising thing. | ||
| It's always like a ruthless self-examination experience. | ||
| It's never like an experience like, yeah, I'm fucking awesome here. | ||
| I'm in the water. | ||
| Never. | ||
| It's almost always uncomfortable. | ||
| But after you get out of it, man, you have a newfound appreciation and respect for life. | ||
| And that experience would not have happened if I didn't watch that movie Altered States and get confused. | ||
| Meanwhile, I watched it. | ||
| I couldn't even watch the whole movie. | ||
| I shut it off. | ||
| It was a piece of shit. | ||
| Those old movies just don't hold up. | ||
| Like E.T. I watched that the other day. | ||
| And you remember when E.T. was like, I could believe this is an alien. | ||
| I saw it the other day and he's like, E.T. And he stopped and he rocks when he stops. | ||
| I'm like, why is he rocking? | ||
| Yeah, it's so bad. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, the technology available today, a random dude with a PC who knows how to encode 3D animation, he can make something on his own computer and literally have a texture to it and everything. | ||
| It would be way better than ET. Imagine when you could do that with avatar graphics. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Would that be 15 years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's happening. | |
| 15 years. | ||
| No, I don't think it's going to be 15 years. | ||
| Shit is happening so quickly, man, with the internet, with the level of complexity that they can pull off in animation now is just astounding. | ||
| I mean, Avatar still looked a little off, but the reason why they got away with it looking a little off is that they used monsters and shit that you don't know in real life. | ||
| So, you know, you look at it and you go, oh, well... | ||
| You can't tell it's fake. | ||
| You can't tell it's fake. | ||
| But, like, you've watched, like, I Am Legend... | ||
| I Am Legend is the shit, but when they had those lions, you're like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Those lions look so bad. | ||
| Did I hear they were making a sequel to that? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| Oh, that would be so good. | ||
| I love that movie. | ||
| I love that movie. | ||
| That movie was fun. | ||
| In the scene where he shoots the lion, or he's going to shoot a deer, and the lion takes out the deer. | ||
| It looks so bad. | ||
| It looks so corny and fake. | ||
| It's so... | ||
| it should be totally unacceptable like they really should have to film in another way like you should have to do it in the dark where I can't see it where it happens so quickly but what you show me is just dog shit for a movie that's that powerful they can't totally recreate real life and because of that they can't totally recreate people yet but they can really recreate monsters Shit that they make up. | ||
| They can make shit that they invent look fucking amazing. | ||
| Like King Kong. | ||
| How good did King Kong look? | ||
| Oh, that was awesome. | ||
| I just saw that the other day also and that still looks good. | ||
| Dude, I don't even watch that movie. | ||
| You know what I do with that movie? | ||
| I turn it on to the scene where King Kong's fucking shit up. | ||
| And you jack off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I almost do. | |
| I almost do. | ||
| I scratch my chest. | ||
| I get fucking crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can see you. | |
| Dude, hidden camera footage of you watching King Kong by yourself. | ||
| Yeah, I might start fucking... | ||
| I've always been obsessed with primates. | ||
| I have a giant poster of King Kong. | ||
| It's like 12 feet tall. | ||
| You're throwing fleshlights around like fucking apes. | ||
| I have just a smidgen more monkey in me than the average person. | ||
| I feel very connected to the monkeys. | ||
| I get angry when I go to the zoo and I see the monkeys in the cage. | ||
| I always want to let them out. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Have you always been like that? | ||
| Yeah, since I was a little kid. | ||
| Big Curious George fan? | ||
| I'm Sicilian, man. | ||
| They are monkeys. | ||
| They're way closer to monkeys than regular people. | ||
| There's something about my ancestors, the way they used to yell at each other, it's just like going to the fucking Chimps Desert. | ||
| My grandmother used to fucking scream at my grandfather. | ||
| She didn't give a fuck that I was there. | ||
| She didn't give a fuck that I was three or four or whatever the fuck I was. | ||
| I'd be standing right next to her and my grandfather would be like, my grandmother was always late for everything. | ||
| My grandmother was crazy. | ||
| My grandmother did time, okay? | ||
| This is how crazy my grandmother worked for the mob and she did time. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| My grandmother was bananas. | ||
| But she would fucking scream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe! | |
| Don't rush me! | ||
| Don't fucking rush me, Joe! | ||
| My grandfather's name was Joe. | ||
| Her name was Joe. | ||
| She would fucking scream at him and he would have to eat it. | ||
| You are like a monkey. | ||
| That's like a chimp cage. | ||
| I was in the lion cage. | ||
| My family was in the lion cage over at the zoo. | ||
| We were just like, what's up guys? | ||
| You always seem like a lion. | ||
| If I had to describe you, if Brian was an animal, what would he be? | ||
| Be a lion. | ||
| That's why I'm a Leo. | ||
| What are you? | ||
| What's your sign? | ||
| You are a Leo? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They don't have a monkey sign. | ||
| If they had a monkey sign, I'm sure I'd be that. | ||
| Damn, I don't know. | ||
| I was a puma and you're a tiger or something. | ||
| Do you get upset when you go to the zoo? | ||
| Does that bother you? | ||
| It doesn't. | ||
| Drives me fucking crazy. | ||
| I'm more like, wow, tiger! | ||
| Drives me fucking crazy. | ||
| I'm just not that deep. | ||
| I don't care about the dumb animals. | ||
| Like, I don't freak out when I see a walrus. | ||
| Fuck a walrus. | ||
| Walrus can kiss my ass. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| You're just dumb, you know? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I don't want to kill you. | ||
| I don't want to hurt you. | ||
| I don't want to cause you pain for no reason, but I don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| When's your movie Zookeeper coming out? | ||
| It's not my movie. | ||
| It's your movie. | ||
| It's Kevin James' movie, fella. | ||
| And it comes out in October. | ||
| October? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you seen a preview or anything? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| I've seen little clips where I had to do voiceover shit. | ||
| It's going to be fun. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| It's a funny movie. | ||
| Kevin's hilarious. | ||
| He's a very funny guy. | ||
| He's awesome at that whole physical comedy thing and doing it with all these animated animals. | ||
| And the animated animals look pretty fucking dope. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they just change their mouths and make their mouths move. | ||
| They're like real animals. | ||
| They have to train real animals to do certain things. | ||
| And then they add animation to it. | ||
| And then they have one guy in a monkey suit. | ||
| One guy, it was really funny, walked into a car, accidentally knocked himself out. | ||
| It was really fucked up. | ||
| Because he hit the thing hard. | ||
| He banged right into the door of this car and just fell over out cold. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He didn't see it coming. | ||
| And he walked right into a door. | ||
| This stuntman, man. | ||
| Stuntman are fucking savages. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| These guys are nuts, man. | ||
| The dudes that I met on Fear Factor and the dudes that I've worked with, especially the guys on this Zookeeper movie because there was a lot of crazy stunts. | ||
| I crashed a bike. | ||
| I wasn't supposed to be doing my own stunts, but I had this bike scene with me and Kevin where I'm chasing him and I'm yelling at him and I'm trying to reach him. | ||
| I crashed my bike. | ||
| Three or four hard times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Hard times. | ||
| One where I go over the handlebars, face plant onto the concrete. | ||
| Dude, I went over the bars. | ||
| I grabbed the front brake accidentally and squeezed it too hard and I just went over the top. | ||
| And I was only one hand in it because I was trying to grab him. | ||
| We're just improvising the scene. | ||
| Dude, I launched myself. | ||
| But somehow or another, I was fine. | ||
| Like somehow or another, I had the clear-headedness or the peace of mind. | ||
| To gather myself, you know, I knew I was going over this, and just land correctly. | ||
| Right, you rolled or something? | ||
| Something. | ||
| I got lucky all the time. | ||
| The only thing I did, I got a scratch on my shin. | ||
| But dude, I crashed hard, like four times. | ||
| I did the... | ||
| I crashed recently. | ||
| I could have easily broken a wrist or something. | ||
| There was one time when I went down where it was pretty fucking hard. | ||
| I went over the handlebars, and I got a hold of... | ||
| I hit the ground first with my hands, and then my face. | ||
| My chin hit the ground, but I absorbed it, and I pulled back enough. | ||
| It was like just enough level-headedness... | ||
| Where I wound up not, and because of jiu-jitsu, I'm always falling. | ||
| You're always like rolling with shit. | ||
| You get comfortable with that. | ||
| Like, here's the ground. | ||
| It's like, it's normal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a normal feeling. | ||
| But dude, I could have got fucked up. | ||
| I could have lost some teeth for sure. | ||
| Yeah, I just got a bike recently and I did the same thing. | ||
| I went over my handlebars because I hit a curb. | ||
| It was dark out and I hit a curb and it didn't like pop over. | ||
| It just went straight down for something. | ||
| I flipped over my bike and I felt like my teeth. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, that's the first thing I do is grab my teeth. | ||
| But I landed okay. | ||
| But I was like, I could have died right there. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's some scary shit. | ||
| Bicycles are fucking scary when you're falling, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just read some article about some woman who just got paralyzed from horse racing, horse jumping, the same as Krista Reeve did. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Jumping over hurdles and shit like that. | ||
| That's some scary shit, dude. | ||
| You don't need to be doing that, people. | ||
| Taking it from a guy who's involved in UFC and does jiu-jitsu, it sounds ridiculous. | ||
| But jiu-jitsu, if you trust your partners, you're pretty safe, man. | ||
| I mean, I'm doing it all the time, and I've only been injured a few times, and one of the injuries was an old injury. | ||
| I had one ACL and meniscus tear from my old taekwondo days, and that one re-injured... | ||
| First in jiu-jitsu, and then I injured the other leg, but that's over fucking... | ||
| I've been doing it now for 14 years. | ||
| That's a long-ass time. | ||
| You know, I only have a few minor injuries, and to roll, like, all the time, because most of the time, you're rolling with dudes you can trust, and, you know, you're not going to fucking dump each other on each other's heads. | ||
| You're not going to hurt each other if you don't have to. | ||
| Like, when you get an arm bar or something, you back off before... | ||
| You know when a dude is got. | ||
| You know you don't hurt each other. | ||
| But you can trust people. | ||
| You can't trust a fucking horse. | ||
| You can't trust a horse. | ||
| If a horse just decides, fuck this, and just digs those legs in, you're done, son. | ||
| You're going to go flying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're on a giant, super powerful animal. | |
| An animal that's so strong, it can run, like, what, 50 miles an hour with a person on its back? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| You're going to go off like a pillow. | ||
| You're just going to go flying off. | ||
| You're not even going to believe how light you feel. | ||
| Well, that horse just stops and just throws his muscular fucking shoulders up into it. | ||
| You just launch like you're on a spring. | ||
| Head first, right into the dirt. | ||
| Snap! | ||
| I hear your neck snap. | ||
| But how cool would it be if none of us had cars, because gas went out and we all had to get horses. | ||
| We all had our own horse, and every time we hung out, we all had our horses together. | ||
| Dude, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Our horses could be friends with each other. | ||
| What if your horse breaks his leg? | ||
| You gotta shoot him in the head. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You don't think that's terrible? | ||
| No, but then we'd get a new horse. | ||
| Our two of our friends' horses would mate and have a baby horse. | ||
| It'd be cool just to have your own horse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's Robin? | |
| You definitely had one extra hit. | ||
| You should not have had that third hit. | ||
| I think it's cool. | ||
| I live in an equestrian district where everyone has horses. | ||
| It'd be nice if you were with the horse and you treated it very well from the time it was young so you had an awesome relationship with the horse. | ||
| But that's not always going to be the case. | ||
| And it's going to be like you go to a dog park with your dog. | ||
| There's always going to be some douchebag with this fucking dog that wants to bite everybody's dog. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And that's going to be what it's going to be like with horses, man. | ||
| You can't trust people to raise the horses correctly. | ||
| So you're going to have a bunch of horses out there that are douchebag horses. | ||
| They're going to get mad at your horses. | ||
| You're going to have douchebag horse gang wars. | ||
| I think it would be awesome. | ||
| This is the most ridiculous conversation we've ever had. | ||
| I think it would be awesome to have a horse! | ||
| What else, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boy, I wish unicorns were real! | |
| If you had money, what would you get? | ||
| I'd get a pony! | ||
| That's because I can't get a Pegasus! | ||
| What if we run out of oil? | ||
| We are going to run out of oil, man. | ||
| It's all in the fucking Gulf. | ||
| And we all go back to that. | ||
| That'd be crazy if we had to go back to horses. | ||
| It's really ridiculous how short a period of time. | ||
| I put this on my Twitter this week. | ||
| I was just thinking about it, how nutty it is that 200 years ago, the fastest way to get around was on the back of an animal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| 200 years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's nothing. | |
| It's so funny to think about that. | ||
| And there was no photographs. | ||
| The best way to get an image of someone was to draw them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 200 years ago. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| That's a blink in time. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| And it's all because of, you know, technology and oil, unfortunately. | ||
| It's all because of oil. | ||
| All the plastic, all the shit we use. | ||
| I mean, how much is oil, like, embedded into our life? | ||
| It's totally. | ||
| It's the main thing for almost all the wars. | ||
| For everything! | ||
| Religion and oil together. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, there's people that believe that religion and oil are stuffed in together, you know, on purpose, just to make, you know, it easier to control the oil. | ||
| The idea that the CIA is involved and all these... | ||
| Secret shadow government organizations are involved in creating drama and turmoil so that we always have an enemy over there. | ||
| That's a very real theory. | ||
| If you talk to people who understand how the United States is involved in other countries and how we do sell arms to people like Iran and Iraq and we provide them with weapons and we play both sides of the fence. | ||
| We provide their enemy with shit too. | ||
| We create drama so we can go in there and clean it up. | ||
| We should find a way to make money off of religion and oil, combining the two, like Jesus oil. | ||
| I think they already have. | ||
| I mean, the people involved in the oil business are all the people that are supporting the conservative right. | ||
| But at this point, I think everybody's involved. | ||
| I don't think it's just the conservatives. | ||
| I don't think it's just the Republicans. | ||
| The Democrats are just as like... | ||
| I believe Obama was in favor of offshore drilling. | ||
| I think there was so much pressure that we need to relieve ourselves of the need for foreign oil that they were in support of it. | ||
| I think everybody was in support of it. | ||
| It seemed like a great idea. | ||
| I thought it was a good idea. | ||
| I'm like, if they don't spill that shit, and it doesn't seem like they do very often, I was like, well, hey, if they know what they're doing, that's the problem, if they know what they're doing. | ||
| So I was in favor of it, too, until I saw this, and I was like, okay, this is crazy. | ||
| I didn't know that this could happen. | ||
| I thought that if something breaks, you just shut it off. | ||
| I thought you have some sort of a fail-safe. | ||
| I can't believe they had no backup plan. | ||
| They don't know the exact estimate, but one of the estimates is 40,000. | ||
| They're talking about 40,000 gallons a day. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Think of how much oil that is. | ||
| Well, think how big the ocean is. | ||
| But I've heard hundreds of thousands. | ||
| I've heard a million gallons a day. | ||
| I've heard all these different... | ||
| I've heard 400,000. | ||
| But even if it's 1,000 gallons of oil a day, even that... | ||
| Have you seen the slick? | ||
| The slick is gigantic. | ||
| Pretty fucking great. | ||
| You can see it with a satellite. | ||
| I hate seeing the animals that they're cleaning off with sponges and stuff like that. | ||
| Well, one of the ways that people are describing it, they're saying that it could be apocalyptic. | ||
| That was the language that they used. | ||
| Apocalyptic. | ||
| Apocalyptic. | ||
| It just sells more t-shirts, Joe. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| It seems pretty... | ||
| We're looking at images right now, and you can't see because you're not here. | ||
| But the streak is jive-fucking-gantic. | ||
| Okay, 42,000 gallons of oil per day. | ||
| That's what these people are saying. | ||
| I mean, who knows if they're right. | ||
| Nobody's down there with a fucking measuring spoon. | ||
| Measuring spoon. | ||
| What the fuck am I even talking about? | ||
| Nobody's down there measuring for real. | ||
| But it is an insane amount of oil, and it's leaking out every day, and they don't know exactly how they're going to stop it. | ||
| And I heard someone last night, but this is a dude in jujitsu class, so who knows if he was telling me the truth. | ||
| He could have been just talking out of his ass. | ||
| But he was saying that they could stop the oil, but the way they would have to stop it is blow up the well. | ||
| They would have to blow it up, and if they did that, the oil would stop. | ||
| But then they'd be fucked because they don't want to do that because they have this well down there they want to protect, and they want to be able to turn it back on again eventually. | ||
| If that's true, that's insane. | ||
| If there really is a fix and all you have to do is blow it up and they're worried because this company wants to continue to pump oil out of there, number one is you've got to stop what you're doing. | ||
| You've got to stop all this oil coming out. | ||
| Did you build the well? | ||
| You built it, right? | ||
| You built it. | ||
| You're going to have to build a new one. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You can't salvage the parts of this while it's bleeding oil into the ocean. | ||
| I mean, that's bananas. | ||
| Like, if there really is a fix, and the fix involves them destroying the whole thing, you've got to destroy the whole thing first, and then rebuild it. | ||
| I don't care how many years it takes to make one of those things. | ||
| That doesn't mean anything. | ||
| How many years is it going to take to clean up what the fuck you did? | ||
| Can't you just get a ship of cat litter and put it on it? | ||
| Isn't that what you do in the garage? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Imagine if it was that simple. | ||
| If cat litter just clung to it, and all you'd do is pour bags of it, and it would make these big, gelatinous cat litter and oil glob boulders that'd be sitting on the bottom of the ocean floor, and they would just scoop them up. | ||
| Scoop them up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scoop them up. | |
| Like one of those cat... | ||
| It seems like more sense than what they're doing now. | ||
| They're not doing anything now. | ||
| They've tried to stop it. | ||
| They've cut it back a little bit, apparently, supposedly, from the most recent reports. | ||
| But as far as getting it stopped or even under control, they're not even close. | ||
| They could be a week away from doing something. | ||
| You know, they're talking about putting some kind of giant dome over it. | ||
| I mean, the whole thing is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
See, that's ridiculous. | |
| Yeah, it's like a goddamn Superman movie. | ||
| If it works in the garage, it will work in the ocean. | ||
| It's fucking bananas. | ||
| The whole thing is bananas. | ||
| It's literally going to kill everything in that area. | ||
| I mean, there's... | ||
| The slick... | ||
| I mean, I'm looking at the images when they show them to you online, and it doesn't seem real. | ||
| Wow, that does seem crazy. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It literally doesn't seem real. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| There's images. | ||
| If you go to earthobservatory.nasa.gov. | ||
| You know you could just throw that picture in the Ustream producer and show everybody right now. | ||
| I can? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do I do that? | |
| Save it on your desktop and then just throw it in there. | ||
| Goddamn, Brian. | ||
| You're so smart. | ||
| Boink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Slick. | |
| And I put that on my desktop. | ||
| And now I go to Ustream producer and I just drag that in. | ||
| This is not interesting at all for my friends that are listening online. | ||
| How do I do this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think you add picture, so it says picture, right there. | |
| Open image file. | ||
| Open image file. | ||
| That's open video file. | ||
| I think you clicked on. | ||
| Open image file. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go down to your desktop and move for slick. | |
| So... | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Let's see if this works, folks. | ||
| What we did is we just started... | ||
| Yeah, there we go. | ||
| We just started using this thing called Ustream Producer. | ||
| And the reason why, so now you can see these Ustream video podcasts on your iPhone and your iPad, you fucking junkies, you visual junkies. | ||
| But look at that goddamn slick, if you're looking at this on Ustream. | ||
| If you're not... | ||
| And you're on iTunes. | ||
| Check this out when you get home. | ||
| Go Google it. | ||
| Go to the NASA site. | ||
| And you see the size of this fucking oil slick on a satellite image. | ||
| And it's bananas. | ||
| It's really hard to grasp. | ||
| It's so big. | ||
| And it's just non-stop. | ||
| And they don't even have it under control. | ||
| And it's just pumping oil. | ||
| And I don't know how they're going to fix that shit. | ||
| I don't think they know either, man. | ||
| I don't think they know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like a live shot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See now in the future you just keep... | ||
| That's pretty dope man. | ||
| Powerful producer software. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Powerful! | |
| It's nice. | ||
| So, you know, until we get off fossil fuels, we're never going to be able to avoid catastrophes that happen when oil spills. | ||
| There was another one that just happened where in the Malacca Street, an oil tanker exploded. | ||
| And this was yesterday. | ||
| In Pekan Baru. | ||
| I don't know where that is. | ||
| A crude oil tanker was reported to have exploded. | ||
| Look, they fucking explode. | ||
| That shit's flammable, you know? | ||
| I mean, you can't get away from that. | ||
| We have to, you know, as a species, we have to get past that. | ||
| They have to figure out, these super-duper smart dudes, have to figure out some new way, you know? | ||
| Right now, it's so hard to do that because... | ||
| Their system is so oil-based and it works so well, you know? | ||
| I mean, think about how much we travel. | ||
| Think about everything you do basically is involved in going somewhere and burning fuel, you know? | ||
| I'm home for a few days, you know? | ||
| I'm home, I'm here. | ||
| I mean, sometimes I never leave my house at all for a few days. | ||
| But there's still like... | ||
| I'm fucking using electricity. | ||
| You're constantly using things that are made of plastic. | ||
| You're constantly consuming things that people produce from oil. | ||
| And I don't see that changing. | ||
| How the fuck is that going to change? | ||
| We would have to come up with a new way to restructure the whole society. | ||
| So there would have to be some sort of a reason to do that. | ||
| To get away from the oil, there would have to be some drastic reason. | ||
| It would have to be like a cataclysm. | ||
| It would literally have to be something that resets society and causes us to start from scratch. | ||
| Because unless we run out, we're not going to pay attention until we run out. | ||
| It's going to be like, oh shit, we're out. | ||
| Fuck, now we do. | ||
| Literally, they're not protecting us and giving us a nice safety net so society can progress easily from here until then. | ||
| It's not hemp. | ||
| Hemp! | ||
| Yeah, potheads always think that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hemp, man! | |
| It's fucking pot, man! | ||
| Maybe it would help. | ||
| But that's not going to fix everything. | ||
| It's not going to fix everything. | ||
| We've got to do something. | ||
| This oil thing does not work. | ||
| There's a lot of weird arguments about what oil actually is, and some people believe that oil is some sort of a natural substance created by the earth. | ||
| There's a whole book I got on it called Black Gold Stranglehold. | ||
| I haven't bothered to research online to find out if it's been totally disproven or whether it's bullshit. | ||
| But this guy's argument is that the oil isn't fossil fuels. | ||
| It's not really like plankton or dead plants or shit like that. | ||
| Like what people assume that it is. | ||
| Millions of years of that. | ||
| But with a finite amount left in the earth. | ||
| But actually it's some sort of a natural fluid that's produced by the earth. | ||
| And if that's the truth... | ||
| If he's right, and he's probably not right, but if he is right, that's like the blood of the world. | ||
| We're like little vampire bugs sucking off the blood of the world. | ||
| That's too trippy, man. | ||
| Even if fossil fuels, even if it's not that, even if it is the decay of things that have existed on this earth and were consumed by death and decayed and created this substance that we use now, even if that's the case, then it's like the shit of the earth. | ||
| Then it's like we're sucking the shit of the earth out. | ||
| Well, either way, it's like we're sucking something out that's a part of some sort of a natural cycle. | ||
| You know, it's all supposed to be in there. | ||
| It's like, it's like literally like, we're like fucking mosquitoes, man. | ||
| We really are, right? | ||
| Like in the earth is us. | ||
| Yeah, the earth is us and we're ticks. | ||
| We're ticks sucking off the blood and the most progress that we've ever had in the history of our race was when we started sucking off the blood of the earth. | ||
| When we started cannibalizing Mother Gaia, when we started eating our mother, that's when everything started going awesome. | ||
| That's when they created cars and computers and Cell phones and, you know, Google Voice in your pocket. | ||
| All that shit is all because that we have this oil. | ||
| Because we have figured out a way to make shit out of oil. | ||
| And we can transport shit with oil. | ||
| We can get planes to fly using oil. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking bananas. | ||
| What a crazy society. | ||
| One thing comes along. | ||
| Combustion engines figuring out how to use oil for plastic, for fuel, for all these different things. | ||
| And everything just goes bananas. | ||
| And then the question is, what's next? | ||
| Have you heard about the SmartDust shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cliffy B. Cliffy B. Our friend Cliffy B. over at Epic Games sent me this. | ||
| You're going to have to Google this. | ||
| You've got to Google up SmartDust. | ||
| This is the most bizarre thing that I think I have ever heard in my fucking life. | ||
| These are... | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| These are wireless devices that are the size of grains of sand. | ||
| Inside these wireless devices the size of grains of sand, they have the ability to transmit wirelessly. | ||
| They have a power source. | ||
| They have the ability to receive and send data. | ||
| They have the ability to take images. | ||
| It's the size of a fucking grain of sand. | ||
| What website? | ||
| CNN? This is on CNN. Wow. | ||
| It is fucking bananas. | ||
| And they're literally talking about this being, this smart dust, being a real world web. | ||
| And the idea is that wireless sensors, that you can use these wireless sensors to monitor everything all over the world all the time. | ||
| Like literally, there will be no privacy. | ||
| So don't you think this smart desk probably would already have existed? | ||
| If this was true stuff, it's probably already here. | ||
| Well, it is true stuff. | ||
| It's probably in our room right now. | ||
| You mean you think they've already been using it and they're just telling us about it now? | ||
| Yeah, because wouldn't they use it first and then tell everyone? | ||
| I think science is pretty easy to track. | ||
| I think it's pretty easy to track up to a certain point what people are capable of. | ||
| I don't know if the guys who make the most money, the top scientists, who they're incorporated by. | ||
| I'm not familiar with the scientific world, so I don't know if they get recruited by big corporations or if they get recruited by the government. | ||
| Who gets all the best scientists? | ||
| Who gets all the crazy genius dudes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Money. | |
| Money does, right? | ||
| Well, this thing is a really bananas fucking project. | ||
| It's really hard to explain how crazy this is. | ||
| There's a company called Streetline that's installed 12,000 sensors on parking spots and highways in San Francisco. | ||
| And the sensors, what they know is whether or not there's a car in that spot. | ||
| And what they're going to do is they're going to figure out a way to give you data. | ||
| So say if you're, you know, I'm going, you know, 16th Street and Fairbanks. | ||
| You know, I need a parking spot. | ||
| Is there any available? | ||
| Yes, there's one right here. | ||
| Go get it. | ||
| And they'll tell you whether or not there's traffic headed to that parking spot. | ||
| Traffic's clear. | ||
| No cars nearby. | ||
| Like, you can fucking go there. | ||
| They'll tell you where the traffic is. | ||
| Like, the sensors on the street will be able to pick up traffic. | ||
| And they'll know what speed it's moving at. | ||
| There's going to be no more speeding, son. | ||
| They're going to be able to know who you are and how fast you're going all the time. | ||
| Like, that's real. | ||
| That's going to suck. | ||
| That's going to fucking suck. | ||
| So there's not going to be any sports cars? | ||
| No sports cars. | ||
| You're going to have to turn into shit and get some slow-ass... | ||
| You're going to have to only have horses. | ||
| You and the horses, man. | ||
| Because horses, you can't... | ||
| It's not ethical to put the sensors in them. | ||
| Yeah, you can't... | ||
| Who cares about speeding on horses? | ||
| Well, the sensors are going to be in the streets, so they'll be able to tell you that your horse is going too fast. | ||
| There was no speed limits when people had horses, right? | ||
| I don't think so, man. | ||
| It was actually better to go as fast as you could. | ||
| You had the best horse. | ||
| As fast as you could, you probably had the best horse. | ||
| But if you fell as fast as you could, maybe you should take it easy and just play it safe. | ||
| That's why you have leather shit on. | ||
| Well, that shit's not going to help you when you land on your fucking head on a cobblestone street because the horse slips because you saw a rat. | ||
| Censors to protect us. | ||
| The horse freaks out, man. | ||
| Sees a fucking raccoon and you go flying. | ||
| Smash your head on the curb. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Horses. | ||
| Horses. | ||
| Fuck oil. | ||
| Well, this real world web that they are trying to create is one of the strangest inventions that I think I've ever heard about. | ||
| I did not know that they were this far along. | ||
| I mean, these smart dust sensors can be relatively small and portable. | ||
| What they're talking about with this is that they're going to have trillions of these things all over the world. | ||
| I mean, this is the idea behind it. | ||
| Is this even possible, though, or is this just theories? | ||
| Heward-Packard's involved, and they're calling it the central nervous system for the Earth. | ||
| In the coming years, the company plans to deploy a trillion sensors all over the planet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| How bananas is it? | ||
| First of all, how bananas is it that someone's letting them do that? | ||
| Like, you're going to do what? | ||
| Like, can't we vote on this before you put censors all over the fucking earth? | ||
| Yeah, why can't we vote on this? | ||
| It seems like we have to vote on this. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You know, there will be no privacy. | ||
| There will be no privacy. | ||
| It will be impossible. | ||
| Someone will be able to detect everything. | ||
| This can't happen because then, if it's like this, then we can put censors in the White House. | ||
| Yes, it can. | ||
| Yes, it can. | ||
| Dude, I've been saying for a long time that I believe that the next stage of human beings is going to be the no secret stage. | ||
| There's going to be some, I mean, it's going to be eventually, it's going to get to the point where we can see each other's thoughts and we can communicate with each other and read each other's minds and memories and ideas and we get each other's ideas directly from each other. | ||
| That's the next stage. | ||
| But it's not going to go directly to that. | ||
| It's going to take a little pit stop along the way. | ||
| And the pit stop it's going to take along the way is no more privacy. | ||
| That's step number one. | ||
| Before the interface, before human beings are allowed to interface with each other, before we're allowed to become one gigantic wireless mind. | ||
| And that's possible and probable. | ||
| I think that's the future. | ||
| I think there's going to be some sort of a neural connection that allows everybody to connect with everybody. | ||
| But before that happens, they're going to have to come up with something like this. | ||
| Before that happens, there's going to be an intermediate step. | ||
| And an intermediate step will be no more privacy. | ||
| You're going to be able to watch people fuck. | ||
| You're going to be able to see everything all the time. | ||
| Maybe we're looking at the negative part of this. | ||
| I don't think it's negative. | ||
| Now we can see people fuck. | ||
| I could fucking watch you. | ||
| Yeah, but I can watch you fuck. | ||
| Not with my neuroblocker I'm going to make. | ||
| I'm going to make my neuroblocker. | ||
| No, I got the latest shit, yo. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Everybody's going to have the latest shit. | ||
| It's going to be like computer viruses. | ||
| You're going to have to always be one step up. | ||
| Do you know there's something like fucking 4,000 new computers, or was it 4 or 40? | ||
| How many computer viruses are created a day? | ||
| But it's some fucking crazy number. | ||
| I almost said bananas again, which would have been annoying, but I caught myself. | ||
| Think about how crazy that is. | ||
| They're going to get to a point where, I mean, how many is that? | ||
| 42? | ||
| How many are out there? | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Our point is, ladies and gentlemen, that our privacy is slowly going away. | ||
| And I think that that is a part of the natural evolution of the human race. | ||
| I think that the human race is evolving to something that is no longer going to deal with embarrassment. | ||
| We're going to have a different set of needs. | ||
| Because our environment has changed so radically... | ||
| From what our physical biology is coded for, that it's forcing this sort of an evolution. | ||
| Technology is forcing us to evolve socially as it is evolving technologically. | ||
| As they come up with crazy and crazier shit that dissolves boundaries more and more, we're forced to play catch up. | ||
| And that's what's going to happen. | ||
| If we get to a point where there's no more privacy, then we're going to realize how ridiculous privacy is in the first place. | ||
| We're going to realize how ridiculous embarrassment is and shame is and all this stupid shit. | ||
| Like my daughter never wants to admit when she's shitting. | ||
| She's fucking two. | ||
| She never wants to admit it. | ||
| You poop? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| She'll shake her head no. | ||
| Making shit faces. | ||
| She doesn't want you to touch her. | ||
| They get embarrassed. | ||
| It's almost a natural coding in our system. | ||
| And I think eventually all that stuff is going to deteriorate. | ||
| I think it's going to dissolve. | ||
| It's going to be crushed by innovation. | ||
| I think that's what's going to force us to catch up. | ||
| Because it's like the things that we accept as part of our normal culture and the way we behave, a lot of it is just what we get used to. | ||
| I mean, think about the shit that people get used to in other countries. | ||
| Think about the cultures and the weird traditions that people have been a part of throughout history. | ||
| Amish people and people who have plates in their lips and nutty motherfuckers who do all kinds of different rituals all over the world. | ||
| It's all what you get used to. | ||
| We're just used to privacy. | ||
| We're used to it. | ||
| It's not necessary. | ||
| It's going to be more important for us to get rid of douchebags. | ||
| It's going to be more important for us to realize the importance of educating human beings and raising human beings that think correctly and to be responsible for the human beings you create and raise. | ||
| You're responsible for your fucking dog biting something, but you're not responsible for your son becoming a mass murderer. | ||
| Then it's just, oh, he got crazy. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| If your son kicks someone's ass and does a bad thing to someone and breaks their property... | ||
| You can get sued. | ||
| And you will have to pay for that kid's medical expenses. | ||
| But if your son is some fucking mass murderer, what are they going to do? | ||
| Are they going to sue you? | ||
| What are they going to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| They don't even put you in jail. | ||
| You should go to fucking jail. | ||
| You made a monster. | ||
| You made someone who likes to kill hookers. | ||
| How did that happen? | ||
| Oh, it just happened. | ||
| We don't even know. | ||
| The fuck you don't know? | ||
| You did something terrible. | ||
| You were so shitty at raising a human being that you raised a human being that likes to kill and eat other human beings. | ||
| But sometimes that's totally just nothing to do with parenting. | ||
| I don't believe that. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No. | ||
| So you think... | ||
| I think there are some things that happen to people genetically. | ||
| I certainly think... | ||
| So what do you think? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's gay people, right? | |
| But I think you should be able to recognize that. | ||
| Yeah, but that's not... | ||
| How are you connecting gay people to serial killers? | ||
| Because that's something that they're not trained to do. | ||
| That's just a deviation in sexual desires. | ||
| That's just how your brain thinks. | ||
| Some people's eyes are blue, some people's eyes are brown. | ||
| That's just wires get crossed. | ||
| This person likes to suck dicks, this person likes to stab somebody. | ||
| I don't know about that, man. | ||
| Sociopaths, they're not exactly sure where that comes from. | ||
| And it's not necessarily that every serial killer is a sociopath. | ||
| Some people are just obsessed and insane and broken and they have a lot of other issues. | ||
| But they think that there's a lot more sociopaths, people that don't care about other people's feelings, a lot more than you think. | ||
| And they don't know, though, whether it comes from nature or nurture. | ||
| They don't really know. | ||
| It's just a lot of speculation. | ||
| Like, your dad molasses you, you stab somebody. | ||
| Or your dad lets you watch horror movies. | ||
| No, it's not watching horror movies. | ||
| If anything, it's been proven that watching horror movies and playing video games is a release. | ||
| According to Todd Hollingshead from id Software, he and I were having a conversation about this the other night, where he was saying that violence among kids has gone down since popularity in video games and violent video games has gone up. | ||
| That it has sort of a cathartic release sort of a thing. | ||
| That's what they believe in Japan, too. | ||
| I think it's turning us into superhumans. | ||
| I think there's better driving from video games. | ||
| The other day, the world record for sniper shooting. | ||
| A guy shot somebody a mile and a half away. | ||
| And you think that's from video games? | ||
| I think video games' hand-to-eye coordination is off the fucking hook. | ||
| If you think about it, how much it is... | ||
| For people that play video games all day, it's all about hand-to-eye coordination. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| You know, shit like that. | ||
| What's amazing is that they use the same controller for the Xbox for those drones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They use the Xbox controls and PlayStation controllers. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| They're used to doing that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I wonder if they allow them to choose. | ||
| If, you know, they get to the army, a guy's like, can you do PlayStation? | ||
| I'm more of an Xbox sort of a guy. | ||
| You know, you think they do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have different... | |
| Well, we only do Wii remotes. | ||
| Xbox to me is like, you know, it's like Marvel versus DC. Right. | ||
| It's never a DC kind of a guy like Marvel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| You know, fucking PS3. Fuck your PlayStation. | ||
| Those are faggy. | ||
| Sure, there must be dudes like that out there. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| They go into the army but say, man, I was pissed off. | ||
| I had to play with a PlayStation. | ||
| I had to kill people with a PlayStation remote. | ||
| You know, they're mad. | ||
| I wanted to represent Xbox for my country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The Navy is all Wii, Nintendo Wii. | ||
| Yeah, they're all bowling and shit. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| But they do pilot those drones with the same controllers, which is really crazy. | ||
| When I first heard that, that they do that, I was like, that is genius. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| I mean, why not? | ||
| These kids, they grow up and they're so goddamn coordinated with that shit. | ||
| If you wanted someone to be awesome at killing people with remote controlled devices, who the fuck would you get besides them? | ||
| They're the masters. | ||
| In the army, they use video games for going into cities and stuff. | ||
| They have Call of Duty shit. | ||
| Dude, it's crazy. | ||
| If you really watch some young kids that are badass video game players, I got a chance to watch this dude named Fatality. | ||
| Jonathan Wendell, I think is his name. | ||
| I met him in Vegas too. | ||
| too. | ||
| He's a really cool guy. | ||
| He's a UFC fan. | ||
| I met him at one of the UFCs. | ||
| And he lives in Vegas. | ||
| And this dude is the number one, he was at least at one point in time, the number one Quake player in the world. | ||
| And I got to see him play live once. | ||
| It was at E3, the big electronics thing in the conference or whatever the fuck it is, convention in Los Angeles. | ||
| And I got to see him play Quake live. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| Quake is like fast twitch muscle fibers. | ||
| It's all like what Quake is if you've never played Quake before and good for you because that shit will a dick the fuck out of you. | ||
| That shit ate up years of my life. | ||
| It's an awesome game. | ||
| And you're in this three-dimensional world. | ||
| It's a first-person shooter. | ||
| So you're holding a rifle or a rocket launcher or something. | ||
| And you're running through these really complicated three-dimensional mazes. | ||
| And you're fighting other people in near real time. | ||
| And it is real time if you hook the two computers up and you play against each other. | ||
| It's so fucking fun. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| It's fucking bananas. | ||
| I almost said bananas again. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Rockets are flying and rail guns and you're electrocuting dudes with a light gun, lightning gun, lightning bolt gun. | ||
| So much goddamn fun. | ||
| I watched this dude play this guy live, like he played like Challengers, like people would step up and play him. | ||
| It was the most ridiculous rape you've ever seen in your life. | ||
| It would be like Brock Lesnar fighting my cat. | ||
| That's what it was like. | ||
| I mean, these guys would just get destroyed. | ||
| And you watch this guy's hand-eye coordination and you're like, man... | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| To get that good at one specific type of game to get locked in, you know, that's totally applicable for, like, warfare, right? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| We're learning how to kill people with video games. | ||
| It's like that Starfighter movie. | ||
| Remember that movie? | ||
| Where they went and they put a game out to see who would be awesome at the game. | ||
| Remember War Games? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was all based off a video game or something like that that was going to cut into the world. | |
| Yeah, Matthew Broderick was a hacker. | ||
| See, that's a movie you can't watch nowadays because that's just gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you watch that, you're like, this is the most unbelievable bullshit ever. | |
| I watched Aliens the other day. | ||
| When I was watching Aliens, they had the scene where he was talking to the computer, and the computer's like old-ass text. | ||
| They haven't even figured out a graphic user interface back then. | ||
| There was no idea that that would ever take place. | ||
| Computers were all lights all around you for no reason. | ||
| Everything was all lit up and big and stupid. | ||
| It's like, oh, that's your computer? | ||
| How ridiculous is that? | ||
| It's like Star Trek. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just... | |
| Yeah, so who knows what the fuck is ever going to happen with this smart dust shit, but, you know, I find it amazing that this is something that's on, you know, CNN labs on... | ||
| You know, on the internet, but I'm not hearing about this anywhere. | ||
| Is anybody hearing about this? | ||
| Was that published April 1st, by the way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it? | |
| No, May 3rd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you. | |
| No, I was just double checking. | ||
| It just seems ridiculous. | ||
| No, it was yesterday. | ||
| It does seem ridiculous, but it was yesterday. | ||
| So this is a real project, a real thing. | ||
| I mean, if that's really happening right now, I mean, are they going to let us know when it goes live? | ||
| I just don't see how, like, the government's allowing that. | ||
| Dude, they're just doing it. | ||
| There's no precedent. | ||
| It's like Google Maps. | ||
| I mean, they're doing some nutty shit, man. | ||
| They're just, I mean, Google Maps actually has gotten in trouble for a few things. | ||
| There has been some disputes about what they are. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The whole city's not allowed to be allowed on that. | ||
| But what these guys are doing is, you know, I think they probably feel like they're just creating a network, you know? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe they're exaggerating the capabilities. | ||
| Maybe there's some dispute about what's going to be possible and what's not going to be. | ||
| But the bottom line is they're not going to stop here. | ||
| They're not going to stop with this. | ||
| If this is something they're creating in 2010, what the fuck are they going to have in 2020? | ||
| What are they going to have in 2030? | ||
| There's going to be some nutty shit, son. | ||
| It's getting fucking crazy. | ||
| Or it's like us talking about 10 years ago and nothing really, like, oh, we don't have VCRs anymore, we have Blu-ray. | ||
| A lot of things have changed. | ||
| You don't think a lot of things have changed in 10 years? | ||
| Yeah, to a point, but then you also think like, you know. | ||
| On the high end level, not the high end, but the higher end of technology, things have changed drastically. | ||
| Like with the Large Hadron Collider and those guys in, where is it, I think it's in Massachusetts that are trying to recreate a sun. | ||
| They're trying to figure out how to make a fucking sun? | ||
| What is that about? | ||
| I don't even know the exact specifics of that case. | ||
| I'll look it up. | ||
| Scientists trying to create sun. | ||
| So, UFC coming up. | ||
| That's crazy that he injured his shoulder. | ||
| That's not UFC. That was another one. | ||
| That's the future one. | ||
| I think he was on the undercard of Rashad Evans, I think. | ||
| I don't know, to be honest with you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nuclear fusion scientists attempt to create artificial sun on Earth. | ||
| Oh, nothing's going to happen wrong there. | ||
| That's definitely going to be fine. | ||
| They're going to make a fucking sun. | ||
| We're going to have little portable suns that exist all around the Earth, and that's where we're going to get all our energy from. | ||
| That would be pretty sweet, though. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, unless it blows up like the fucking oil tanker. | ||
| No, what if you have your own portable sun that just followed you around and kept you warm? | ||
| Yeah, unless it blows up like the fucking oil tanker. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why do you always look at the bright side of things? | ||
| Why do you always look at the bad side of things? | ||
| Together we work out. | ||
| We're like the odd couple. | ||
| We're like Tom and Jerry. | ||
| There's two things on the shoulder, like the devil and the angel. | ||
| Tom and Jerry. | ||
| That's Animal House, son. | ||
| Remember Animal House? | ||
| Yeah, it's on everything, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, it's been on a million things. | ||
| There was a comic that used to do an act like that. | ||
| Norm Macdonald was making fun of him, remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Remember? | ||
| He had like a logical left brain, right brain. | ||
| So, look, we don't know what the fuck is really happening with the smart dust, but you've got to read it. | ||
| Can you imagine snorting? | ||
| People are going to find a way to take his snort and get high off of it. | ||
| I got high off the smart dust, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The HP shit? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
| Despite these differences, researchers say the smart dust theory that monitoring everything will benefit humanity remains essentially unchanged. | ||
| They believe that this will benefit humanity to monitor everything. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I think they might be right. | ||
| I think we might have to accept the fact that technology is going to keep moving forward. | ||
| And if technology keeps moving forward, what is the end result? | ||
| What's going to be the end of the rainbow? | ||
| Is there a singularity, as Ray Kurzweil would say, or Terrence McKenna said, time wave zero. | ||
| Is there a moment of ultimate novelty? | ||
| A moment where they create something that's so fucking crazy that it changes everything. | ||
| This is probably the beginning, man. | ||
| This smart dust shit is probably the fucking beginning. | ||
| Google is probably the beginning. | ||
| Yeah, Google is a part of it, man. | ||
| That browser, that Chrome browser, is fucking amazing. | ||
| It's my favorite browser by far. | ||
| So this nuclear fusion thing, these scientists trying to create this actual artificial sun, or a natural sun, I guess, would actually be a sun. | ||
| I mean, it's made out of the same elements that a star is made out of, right? | ||
| I mean, if it's a sun, it's a sun. | ||
| It's not like a fake tit, right? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It's the fucking sun. | ||
| Well, maybe they're just throwing that name sun around. | ||
| Maybe it's just a really hot light bulb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It just seems... | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| What's the sun? | ||
| It's a planet. | ||
| It's in The Telegraph. | ||
| If you want to look it up, it's in TheTelegraph.uk as of yesterday. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Okay, no. | ||
| It says it was published in 2008. 2008. Alright, there's a hoax. | ||
| So I think they're moving... | ||
| No, it's not a hoax, dude. | ||
| They're moving... | ||
| Oh my god, look at it. | ||
| There it is right there. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| This image of this thing is like a fucking X-Men. | ||
| Inside the target chamber where scientists will attempt to create an artificial sun. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| Yeah, but what's the latest update? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Research shows that these two guys are just smoking a lot of weed. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The sun didn't exist. | ||
| They just made it in paintbrush. | ||
| It's pretty fascinating when you listen to it. | ||
| While it seemed an impossible goal for nearly a hundred years, scientists now believe they are on the brink of cracking one of the biggest problems in physics by harnessing the power of nuclear fusion, the reaction that burns at the heart of the sun. | ||
| They really think they can do this. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Are people allowed to have the ingredients to make a sun? | ||
| It seems like you shouldn't be allowed to have the ingredients to make suns. | ||
| Look, the Manhattan Project basically harnessed the power of a sun. | ||
| That's what nuclear energy is, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you're not allowed to buy weed, but you're allowed to make nuclear explosions. | ||
| Yeah, this is sort of an older story, it seems like. | ||
| I'm finding it from 2008 with no updates. | ||
| Find one of the scientists' names, and then just Google that guy's name, and then under more options in Google, put the last month. | ||
| Yeah, it seems like December 27, 2008 is when the... | ||
| No, here's 2009 again. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Oh, they're trying to make it in 2018. That's when they believe it'll be gone. | ||
| But the bottom line is some shit is fucking happening. | ||
| That's the bottom line. | ||
| These... | ||
| While we think about Tiger Woods and... | ||
| You know, did you hear the new show they're putting together? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| They're trying to put together a show where Tiger Woods mistresses are going to get together with Jesse James mistresses and they're going to search for love. | ||
| They're going to have a game show. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| What did you hear? | ||
| They're making a porno out of the one main porn star that supposedly fucked with Tiger Woods. | ||
| She's making a porno with Tiger Woods lookalikes. | ||
| You could make real shows with all those girls and people would tune in every week. | ||
| You could just put them as a cast. | ||
| That's what they should do. | ||
| Any scandal that comes out, they should take the cast members and put them as a cast on other shows. | ||
| They'll start out with... | ||
| You put them on The Apprentice. | ||
| See if you can figure out a way to make a business. | ||
| Now you don't have any more money coming from Tiger. | ||
| You've got to figure out what you're going to do. | ||
| You're going to have to make money. | ||
| And you're in the public eye, so let's put you on TV. So they get on The Apprentice and they try to figure out if they can start a business. | ||
| Well, that's no good. | ||
| Well, I always wanted to be a singer. | ||
| Okay, American Idol. | ||
| You put them all, the whole American Idol, the whole season, Tiger's Mistresses. | ||
| Well, you can't sing. | ||
| Can you dance? | ||
| And put them on Dancing with the Stars. | ||
| The whole season. | ||
| Tigers and Mistresses on Dancing with the Stars. | ||
| I mean, how many more of these stupid stories can we have? | ||
| While nutty shit is going on, like people trying to create suns, and these little tiny sensors that go over the world. | ||
| How many people are aware of this smart dust stuff? | ||
| This should be a huge fucking story. | ||
| This should be something that makes everybody's jaw drop where you step back and go, what are they going to do? | ||
| They're going to monitor everything. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| What exactly does that mean? | ||
| Is it going to start with just little bits of information like there's a person in this area? | ||
| Is it going to eventually get to a point where they can have your image and you can see everything everywhere? | ||
| And eventually, are they going to get to a point where you're going to be able to tap into that shit with your fucking brain? | ||
| It just seems like there should be voting before this would ever happen, for real. | ||
| But there's not. | ||
| There's no voting on whether or not we go to Afghanistan. | ||
| You vote a president in, and then the president gets to decide all sorts of fucked up shit that nobody wants. | ||
| If you allowed the American people to decide, 90% of the shit we got involved in would never happen. | ||
| So we have it set up where you don't get to decide. | ||
| You get to decide on who gets to decide. | ||
| That's what you get to decide on. | ||
| Which is fucking ridiculous. | ||
| The idea that one guy should be trusted to fucking run everything in this day and age, as much as we know about how complicated the world is, that's fucking nonsense. | ||
| That's total nonsense. | ||
| But yet, we accept it. | ||
| The right way to do it would be to have everybody vote on things. | ||
| The problem with that is... | ||
| People are fucking stupid. | ||
| They're really easy to manipulate. | ||
| You could tell them all sorts of shit that's not true, and the dumb ones would all buy it, and the dumb ones are more than half. | ||
| So now what do you do? | ||
| So it's almost like you have to have someone who you think is pretty smart to get into power so that he can make the decisions for you guys and look out for your best interests. | ||
| But that's when money gets involved. | ||
| And then they get fucking corporations, and the corporations come with the long money to make sure that you get an office. | ||
| But once you get an office, it's like, you know, man, we really like... | ||
| The oil that we're getting from the Amazon jungle. | ||
| We like to keep getting that shit. | ||
| There's some places we like to cut down some trees. | ||
| There's a lot of bitches hating. | ||
| I got you. | ||
| You want to cut down trees? | ||
| Let's cut down trees, son. | ||
| This is what we do. | ||
| We're going to go over there. | ||
| We're going to give them a giant-ass loan that they can't pay back. | ||
| And then when they can't pay it back, we'll go jack them and take their shit. | ||
| And we've been doing that since fucking the beginning of time. | ||
| There's money involved. | ||
| And when there's money involved, you can't ever have real power. | ||
| The real power can't be isolated in one area. | ||
| There can't be all this influence where one group or one person or one organization gets to control shit. | ||
| Because then everybody's going to be trying to kiss ass to that organization to get them to do what they want. | ||
| So they can conduct business. | ||
| And that's what we're dealing with. | ||
| That's why people can't vote for everything. | ||
| Because a real democracy wouldn't work. | ||
| We're fucking babies. | ||
| We're infantile. | ||
| There's no way, with the way we've been living our society, like, there's some big daddy looking out for us, you know, there's no way we can go from that to, like, being able to be completely free and vote for everything that happens. | ||
| It'd be too complicated right now. | ||
| That shit's gonna take a long time, but I don't think it's ever gonna happen. | ||
| I think something's gonna just bypass it and launch our culture and launch our civilization into the next stage. | ||
| I think we're never gonna evolve as we are in this form. | ||
| I think this form is all about fucking and violence and chaos and laughter and nonsense. | ||
| That's this life. | ||
| That's this life. | ||
| This life is all about love and friendships and shit you like to do and fun. | ||
| And it's hang on. | ||
| Hang on to the big ship that is humanity, because some shit is going to change, and you're about to go through a new door, and when we go through that new door, all this shit that you've been worrying about, about whether or not you should get a Mac or a PC, or whether or not you're a Democrat or Republican, or whether or not you like Family Guy, or fucking fuck those hacks, I like South Park, you know, that's all going to be nonsense when the big change happens. | ||
| And I think it's coming. | ||
| I think it is really fucking coming. | ||
| And I think you see things like this little smart dust thing, and you see things like people trying to create suns, and you see things like what's going on with the fucking oil spill, where there's going to be some radical changes to the way people approach extracting oil from the ground now. | ||
| People are going to demand this is going to be a catastrophe. | ||
| You know, I think some shit is changing, dude. | ||
| I think shit is changing. | ||
| It's freaky. | ||
| It's freaky to think that the ridiculous notion of 2012 being the end of humanity is a date you can actually track. | ||
| It seems like it's happening that way. | ||
| I would not be shocked if December 21st, 2012 actually does turn out to be some sort of crazy invention or insane innovation that catapults the human race into the next stage of existence. | ||
| You know what it's going to be. | ||
| It's going to be nothing today. | ||
| It's going to be completely nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's going to be like turning 2000. It's going to be like the computer virus at 2000. It might not be, dude. | |
| Or it might happen before then. | ||
| I mean, it might be a rough estimate. | ||
| But I think there's going to be something that takes place. | ||
| And I think it's going to involve information. | ||
| I think LA's going to have a bad earthquake. | ||
| I think that's definitely going to happen. | ||
| I think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that's just... | ||
| Lately... | ||
| Every day on my Chrome or my homepage, the thing that pops up is my Google page. | ||
| And one of the things, my widgets, is the earthquake map for Los Angeles. | ||
| And if you've been watching ever since that earthquake in San Diego for the last... | ||
| What was that? | ||
| A month and a half ago? | ||
| Are you an earthquake expert or is this just rambling? | ||
| No, this is... | ||
| I see the same... | ||
| I've been following earthquakes just as a hobby, I guess, for the last seven years. | ||
| I go to this website that just shows the earthquake map. | ||
| See, dude, if you believe in the secret, you're creating earthquakes right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I'm not... | ||
| But anyways... | ||
| You're, like, manifesting it. | ||
| Current earthquakes... | ||
| Oh, you're a freak. | ||
| You go to a goddamn earthquake projection center? | ||
| Yeah, it just shows you the earthquakes recently. | ||
| But ever since the San Diego earthquake, there has been so much activity in Mexico. | ||
| Like maybe a hundred times more than it normally is. | ||
| Well, let's hope this is a big-ass earthquake right under the house of some crazy Mexican drug dealer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You need to put a layer, drug dealer layer map over this Google map to see what's going on. | ||
| Because ever since like a month and a half ago, it's been retarded. | ||
| So do you have a fear of earthquakes? | ||
| I don't have a fear, but I'm interested in them. | ||
| It's just weird, like, every day, like, right in the last, whatever, couple days, week, there's been 920 earthquakes in California. | ||
| And usually that hovers about that same number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lately, though, almost all of them have been in San Diego. | |
| There's just so much shit that can fuck us up, man. | ||
| There's so much shit that can fuck us up. | ||
| I have an earthquake fetish, that's right. | ||
| Oh, I got another good story. | ||
| Let me make a pee-pee. | ||
| How about this guy who the... | ||
| You have to pee? | ||
| You have to make a pee-pee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You faggot. | |
| You can't even hold on. | ||
| I try. | ||
| Wait, I'll pee in the flashlight. | ||
| Oh, don't do that. | ||
| Go in the bathroom. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| While you go in the bathroom, I'll take questions. | ||
| And when he comes back from the bathroom, we're going to talk about this dude. | ||
| His name is George Wreckers, and he is a Christian right leader, and he just got busted with a twink. | ||
| I love these stories, man. | ||
| This dude is like this real staunch anti-gay activist. | ||
| He's a board member of something called the National Association for Research Therapy of Homosexuality. | ||
| And it turns out he's really gay. | ||
| It turns out that he was trying to pass all this legislation. | ||
| He's in the American College of Pediatrics, or of pediatricians. | ||
| And apparently the American College of Pediatricians, that's like the name of it, but really they hand out literature, according to this one website, accusing gays of something called coprophilia, C-O-P-R-O-P-H-I-L-I-A, which means... | ||
| Sexuality while playing with shit. | ||
| Coprophilia. | ||
| So they're accusing gays of this coprophilia, this philia, this obsession, this sickness. | ||
| And, you know, and saying how terrible gays are and how adopted children that are adopted to gay families are all fucked up. | ||
| And meanwhile, this dude the entire time was banging dudes. | ||
| It's really goddamn classic. | ||
| He was caught on vacation with something called a rent boy. | ||
| He went to rentboy.com. | ||
| Rentboy.com. | ||
| And this is what he advertised for. | ||
| This is the guy that he went with. | ||
| He has a smooth, sweet, tight ass and a perfectly built 8-inch cock. | ||
| Uncut. | ||
| And he explains that he is sensual, wild, and up for anything. | ||
| So they catch this dude, George Reckers of North Miami. | ||
| They catch him, the leading scholar for the Christian right. | ||
| They catch him at the terminal with his gay escort and start taking pictures. | ||
| And this is what the guy's excuse was. | ||
| He says, I had surgery. | ||
| I can't lift luggage. | ||
| That's why I hired him. | ||
| That's fucking awesome! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is pretty good. | |
| That's awesome, man. | ||
| It's like the tickle parties. | ||
| Rentboy.com. | ||
| I mean, if you were a gay dude and you were so tired of people fucking with other gay dudes and coming up with all these laws that make it impossible for you to get married and make it more difficult for you to adopt children and make it more difficult for you to get all sorts of shit that shouldn't be denied from you because of your sexual preference. | ||
| If you're not doing anything to harm anybody else, it's ridiculous. | ||
| They would even... | ||
| Entertained that there's something wrong with it. | ||
| This one motherfucker is just going off, just involved in so much legislation, so much activism against homosexuals, and meanwhile, this fucking dude... | ||
| Advisory roles with Congress, the White House, Department of Health and Human Services, and testifying at a state's witness in favor of Florida's gay adoption ban. | ||
| This motherfucker's going to rentboy.com and getting twinks. | ||
| He's getting twinks. | ||
| If you know what twinks are, twinks are the little boys that gay dudes like. | ||
| Gay dudes like 19-year-old boys. | ||
| They're like, I don't have any muscle. | ||
| They look like little boys. | ||
| They call them twinks. | ||
| This dude was going and getting twinks. | ||
| It's like, oh, I had surgery. | ||
| I had surgery. | ||
| Wow, I thought Twinks was Twilight fans or something like that. | ||
| No, Twinks, the original Twinks, is little gay dudes. | ||
| My mom's rude then, because she was calling me a Twink. | ||
| Wow, she called you a Twink? | ||
| I'm sure your mom doesn't know what that means. | ||
| Your mom's got some fucking Betty Boop definition of Twink. | ||
| That makes somebody that likes hard candy! | ||
| Shit she heard on Little Rascals. | ||
| What the fuck does she know? | ||
| This is like the Ted Haggard case. | ||
| Just as good. | ||
| It's like so many of these cases. | ||
| There's been so many of them. | ||
| It's almost impossible to imagine. | ||
| What was that guy's name? | ||
| Mark Faber. | ||
| He was another guy, right? | ||
| There's been so many of them. | ||
| So many people that are anti-gay that turn out to be gay. | ||
| Or was Faber the one that was trying to bang kids? | ||
| He was trying to bang... | ||
| He was gay and he was trying to bang his assistants and his... | ||
| What are those? | ||
| Congressional pages. | ||
| That's what he was doing. | ||
| I think that's his name, Faber. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| If it's not, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| There's so many of these guys that are trying to fight against gay people and trying to stop people from doing things and they turn out to be gay. | ||
| How do they not know that people are going to check? | ||
| At this day and age? | ||
| How do you not know that if you're a guy who's just spending an exorbitant amount of time trying to fight the gay agenda, trying to stop gays from having the same rights as straight couples, trying to just suppress people, wouldn't you think they would look at you? | ||
| Wouldn't you think they would check you out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It seems like it's so weird when it's always the loudest person. | ||
| Always! | ||
| It's an incredible, the suppression of others for no reason. | ||
| When you look into someone trying to suppress someone else's wants and desires for no reason, you have to look at that person and you have to scrutinize where they're coming from because that's not natural. | ||
| That's not a natural thing. | ||
| Why would you care? | ||
| They're gay, they're having fun. | ||
| What do you give a shit? | ||
| As long as he doesn't try to fuck you, you shouldn't have a problem with him. | ||
| There's a bunch of gay people. | ||
| They find the other gay people. | ||
| They have a good party together. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| It doesn't make sense if you care. | ||
| But if you do care and you're out there fighting it, man... | ||
| We got you. | ||
| We know now. | ||
| It's obvious. | ||
| It's all of you. | ||
| How many of you? | ||
| The Larry Craig guy. | ||
| How many of you have to get busted? | ||
| It's fucking bananas. | ||
| I said it again. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| Bananas. | ||
| You should be sponsored by Chiquita. | ||
| I should be. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm going to be sponsored by the Fushfly. | ||
| My manager can kiss my ass. | ||
| By the way, I can't stop thinking about this. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Don't fuck it. | ||
| Don't fuck it. | ||
| I kissed it. | ||
| It tastes real too. | ||
| Ew! | ||
| Dude! | ||
| I hope some big, fat, sweaty dude was working at the factory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Inspected by number 20. Good. | |
| I'm putting up my butt. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Yeah, there's another senator that got busted watching porn in Congress. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, there's too many fucking people out there telling other people how to live their lives. | ||
| It's ridiculous, and we shouldn't tolerate it anymore. | ||
| You know, at a certain point in time, we have to say, fuck you. | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| You know, it's too crazy. | ||
| And every one of them that are telling people what to do with their lives and what they shouldn't be doing, it doesn't hurt them. | ||
| Every one of them are fucked up across the board, whether they're Muslims that want to throw rocks at you for drawing pictures of Muhammad or dancing or whatever the fuck it is, whether it's Catholics, no matter anybody that's trying to suppress your behavior, they're all fucked up. | ||
| If you're not hurting anybody else, you're fine. | ||
| Nobody's got this thing wired. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Nobody is in control of the fucking oil. | ||
| Nobody knows what's happening. | ||
| The oil's pouring out of the ground. | ||
| 40,000 fucking gallons a day, Brian, at least. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| There's no answers, folks. | ||
| And that's important because if we're ever going to get past where we are now, we have to realize that we can't leave the control to someone who we think is more qualified than us and someone who's on it, like Obama or the idea of Obama or any guy being president and being on it. | ||
| You can't be on the world. | ||
| You can't be on the country. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| Nobody can. | ||
| And we have to accept that. | ||
| And until we do, we're going to fucking hurdle out of control. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| And even if we do accept it, I think it's too late. | ||
| I think what's going to save us and what's going to change us is technology. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I think when we realize... | ||
| I think we're slowly starting to realize how full of shit people are. | ||
| We're slowly starting to, as we get more and more intrusive into people's lives, we're exposing another level of understanding of human beings and busting politicians and busting... | ||
| I mean, there was no... | ||
| Like that guy that got busted, Elliot... | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
| Spitzer? | ||
| Spitzer, yeah, in New York. | ||
| I mean, nobody got busted like that before. | ||
| Nobody's ever gotten busted like that. | ||
| Is he in jail now? | ||
| Well, you know, that guy was a guy that was very vocal about the market, about the market being all fucked up and corrupt and talking about all these companies. | ||
| And he believes that that's one of the reasons why they went after him. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why they persecuted him. | ||
| Meanwhile, the guy was busting people for prostitution and he was using prostitutes. | ||
| That was another example. | ||
| He was a guy that was all adamant against, we're going to stop prostitution. | ||
| Oh, what a good thing to stop. | ||
| Stop people getting their dick sucked. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Why do you give a shit? | ||
| You're going to really put so much effort into that? | ||
| Well, it turns out the reason why he was doing it was because he was covering up the fact that he was using them. | ||
| He is no different than all these crazy gay activists that are secretly gay. | ||
| He's hating. | ||
| He's trying to cover it up. | ||
| So we should look at anyone that's a huge, loud person on a certain topic. | ||
| The guy that likes Slim Jims, that wants you to snap into Slim Jims, probably hates Slim Jims. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You're not seeing it correctly at all. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| I was just joking. | ||
| I know. | ||
| This is the formula, in my opinion. | ||
| This is what I seem to have drawn out of it. | ||
| You have to look at anyone that is trying to suppress the behavior or the desires of anyone else where it shouldn't concern them. | ||
| Whether it's someone who is trying to stop you from whatever the fuck it is, whether it's masturbation, whether it's anything. | ||
| If they're trying to suppress your desire, if they're trying to stop you from marrying other gay people, stop gay rights, look at them. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| Find out what the fuck it is. | ||
| If they're trying to suppress prostitution, find that guy. | ||
| He's getting his dick sucked. | ||
| He's paying for it. | ||
| He's a fucking freak. | ||
| He's a freak and he's crazy. | ||
| All the people that are trying to suppress people from doing things that don't affect the person who's trying to stop them from suppressing things. | ||
| Just leave people the fuck alone. | ||
| And if you don't leave people the fuck alone, you're the problem. | ||
| That's really what it is. | ||
| This Eliot Spitzer guy, yeah, maybe you were exposing these flaws in the market. | ||
| Maybe you were exposing corruption. | ||
| But guess what, douchebag? | ||
| You were also getting people locked in a cage because somebody gave somebody money to get their dick sucked. | ||
| Which is fucking nonsense. | ||
| In 2010, you can go to jail because you can suck someone's dick for free, but if they give you $5, you're a bad person. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| It is ridiculous. | ||
| That's completely ridiculous. | ||
| And then anyone who's trying to suppress anybody else's desires or needs and they're trying to suppress them in a way that has nothing to do with them. | ||
| You gotta look at them. | ||
| They're all fucked up. | ||
| They're all doing something shitty. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| I'm glad you agree with me. | ||
| That rant tapered off at the end, right? | ||
| It was pretty good at the beginning. | ||
| I had an important point, but... | ||
| Somewhere around the fucking two-hour mark of these things, you lose the creative magic in formulating your sentences. | ||
| You know, I like your setup this week. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| But one thing, I think I just killed sperm with the laptop on my lap. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think I just cooked my balls. | ||
| Well, you got to do it like I do it. | ||
| You have the lap off to the side. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| So if you put your laptop, if you move this thing and you put your laptop, like you put your microphone here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| See, folks, we're fucking ghetto. | ||
| This is not a planned out situation here. | ||
| It's not a planned out situation. | ||
| So, we covered everything that I want to cover. | ||
| As far as UFC predictions, people keep asking me UFC predictions. | ||
| I never give UFC predictions, because who the fuck knows what's going to happen. | ||
| They're super exciting fights. | ||
| The main event, of course, is spectacular. | ||
| Lyoto Machida versus Mauricio Shogun Hua. | ||
| Very, very interesting fight. | ||
| You know, a lot of people thought that Mauricio won the first fight, but if he did win it, you know, he didn't kill him. | ||
| He didn't really... | ||
| You know, he didn't stop him. | ||
| He never really hurt him badly. | ||
| He never really had a real dominant moment in the fight. | ||
| He just edged him. | ||
| A lot of people felt like he edged him. | ||
| And a very exciting fight. | ||
| And I think that, you know, Lyoto is going to have a completely different strategy most likely for this fight. | ||
| Very excited to see that. | ||
| He's a very strategic dude. | ||
| And I think also he's going to be, both guys are going to be more prepared. | ||
| They're going to know what the other is capable of. | ||
| They're going to review the first fight and go over mistakes and go over when they landed and go over maybe tendencies that each might have that maybe they can exploit. | ||
| So I think the second fight is going to start out a chess match. | ||
| Both guys are going to be doing things that they think are going to benefit them in this fight that maybe they didn't do in the first fight. | ||
| Maybe we'll find guys who might start off the fight a little bit more cautious. | ||
| That could be interesting. | ||
| See if maybe Shogun plays the role of a counter-striker initially. | ||
| Or maybe they just get to it like it's round six. | ||
| Maybe they just fucking go at each other. | ||
| That's very possible too. | ||
| Maybe that even more so because of the controversy involving some of the fights lately where guys haven't been exciting, like the Anderson Silva fight where he kind of slacked off over the last two rounds, and people even criticizing Jose Aldo for his last round of his fight. | ||
| So if that's the case, if they're affected by that stuff, maybe they might come out and try to prove a point. | ||
| I don't think that's going to happen because too much is at stake, and both guys are too dangerous. | ||
| They're both two of the most dangerous and explosive guys. | ||
| In that light heavyweight division and anything can happen. | ||
| So that's my prediction for the main event. | ||
| Who the fuck is? | ||
| Who's the karate guy? | ||
| Machida. | ||
| Machida. | ||
| What do you think of karate as a martial art in general? | ||
| Well, what Machida does is very smart. | ||
| He combines the good things of karate with Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu and wrestling and boxing. | ||
| There's a lot of good stuff in karate. | ||
| The ability to leap in and leap out. | ||
| The way they fight, their footwork is different than Muay Thai guys. | ||
| Muay Thai guys are light on their feet, but they wade in and get close to each other and attack. | ||
| They check kicks and attack. | ||
| The karate guys, it's almost like fencing. | ||
| They explode in and explode out. | ||
| And if you're not used to fighting Machida, he's super hard to deal with because that explosion just fucking throws you off. | ||
| I mean, he leans way back and he dives in and he's super accurate with things. | ||
| And if he catches you with one of those, he could fuck you up. | ||
| And if he starts lighting you up, like pot-shotting you from a distance, you're in trouble. | ||
| That's what happened to Rashad Evans. | ||
| He started just lighting him up. | ||
| He started laying back, bang! | ||
| And he comes in and blasts him. | ||
| And then once he does it a couple of times, that's all he needs to do. | ||
| He only needs to hit you A couple clean times before you're like a little bewildered. | ||
| And he's so good at that. | ||
| He did that to Sokuju. | ||
| You know, he did that to Thiago Silva. | ||
| Stopped him at the end of the first round. | ||
| He's a fucking killer, man. | ||
| He's a killer. | ||
| And he's gonna be trying to do that even more on Shogun than in the first fight. | ||
| He's gonna be more fired up, more motivated. | ||
| I think he's gonna be even better. | ||
| And then Shogun, he's going to be super confident because he feels like he won that first fight. | ||
| He feels like he got robbed of the decision. | ||
| So he's going to be confident and he's going to be fucking coming in guns blazing and Lyoto's going to be confident and Lyoto's going to be more motivated, better strategy. | ||
| It's going to be an awesome fucking fight. | ||
| You just go by a karate studio and you're just like, okay, that little 15-year-old has a black belt. | ||
| That's your sport. | ||
| A 15-year-old could have a black belt. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| Well, that's the problem with the thing they call the McDojos. | ||
| The McDojos. | ||
| The McDojo syndrome is that when martial arts became popular in America, I guess in the 60s or whatever, When people started watching Bruce Lee movies in the 70s and shit. | ||
| What happened was people got real into karate and karate became a business. | ||
| They opened up karate schools all over the world. | ||
| People wanted to learn how to kick people's asses. | ||
| Then it became some bullshit mysticism thing and a lot of bowing. | ||
| They're very cult-like, man. | ||
| If you've never been to karate schools or a lot of martial arts schools, my Taekwondo school was very cult-like. | ||
| They're like, the sensei can do no wrong and everything is, yes sir, yes sir. | ||
| It's like they're never even and equal with you. | ||
| Which is one of the beautiful things about Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| Jiu Jitsu is totally the opposite. | ||
| Your instructor is just like you. | ||
| He's super cool and just like you. | ||
| You don't have to call him. | ||
| I mean, if you do call him sir, it's out of respect, but he's going to probably say, sir, I'm your brother, my friend. | ||
| Why don't you call me sir? | ||
| You know, Jean-Jean Gocciotto would laugh if you called him sir. | ||
| He's just a friendly, cool guy that knows something that you don't know, and he's going to show it to you. | ||
| So like jiu-jitsu, though, it's way more rare for a 15-year-old to get a black belt in a tight... | ||
| Yeah, it's really, really, really hard to get your black belt in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Martial arts, they have much lower standards than jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Most of them do. | ||
| And karate, a lot of schools. | ||
| See, if you go to a real karate school, like a real... | ||
| You know, Okinawan karate school or Kyokushin karate school where they're like really like rigid, traditional, old school weight. | ||
| No, they're not going to give you a fucking black belt if you're not ready. | ||
| You got to get that black belt. | ||
| You got to earn that shit. | ||
| You go to one of Masoyama's fucking schools, one of his affiliates. | ||
| You know, those guys, those are serious, hard motherfuckers. | ||
| Those karate tournaments they fight in, especially the Kyokushin karate tournaments, those dudes are fucking animals. | ||
| They don't punch to the face, but they kick to the face and kick to the body and kick to the legs. | ||
| They're fucking tough, man. | ||
| That's a hard, hard sport. | ||
| Or a hard martial art. | ||
| If you go to those schools, you're not going to be able to get a 9-year-old and get them their black belt. | ||
| But if you go to one of these Fred Valori schools, they used to be like the United Studios of Self-Defense when I lived in Massachusetts. | ||
| Hey, you're fucking 12 years old and you've got a black belt. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| And you can't crack an egg. | ||
| They don't have any idea how to fight. | ||
| They're completely lost. | ||
| They want to do high kicks and kata and fucking knife hand strike you. | ||
| They literally don't know how to fight. | ||
| They're taught how to do this stupid dance. | ||
| They don't even have contact when they spar, like in most of the schools. | ||
| Did you hear that the Boy Scouts now have a badge for playing video games? | ||
| Which I thought was crazy. | ||
| Doesn't that defeat everything the Boy Scouts are about? | ||
| Like adventures, outdoors? | ||
| Yeah, they have a video game badge. | ||
| That's the government, man. | ||
| They want you to become a killer. | ||
| They want you to target their drones. | ||
| Did you hear Obama made a joke about fucking drones? | ||
| You know the whole thing with Obama and he told jokes and Jay Leno told jokes and Jay Leno kind of bombed? | ||
| No, I didn't hear about this. | ||
| The White House press correspondence dinner. | ||
| I think that's what it's called. | ||
| You didn't hear about this? | ||
| I ignore all Jay Leno news. | ||
| You've got to check this out because it's fascinating. | ||
| Obama goes on, and everyone's like, Obama did so well. | ||
| Opie and Anthony were the only ones that said Obama didn't do well, and I fucking completely agree with them. | ||
| He just butchered the jokes. | ||
| The timing sucked, but the jokes were pretty well written. | ||
| I think some of the guys from The Daily Show or something wrote them for them. | ||
| And the jokes, but his delivery is terrible. | ||
| It's all clunky, but he got big laughs. | ||
| But one of the jokes he did, and no one's even talking about this, one of the jokes he did, he said, the Jonas Brothers are here. | ||
| Where are you, the Jonas Brothers? | ||
| There you are. | ||
| And he said something about his daughters. | ||
| You know, that his daughters, you know, his daughters are very beautiful, but I want to let you know, don't even think about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've got two words for you. | |
| It was, like, spy drone or something drone. | ||
| What are those drones called? | ||
| Yeah, they're drones. | ||
| Spy drones? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But they said, like, I have two words for you, like, unmanned drone. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What are you saying, Mr. President? | ||
| You're joking around that if one of these boys, who, by the way, are, like, the most wishy-washy, Christian, non-offensive, non-dangerous, they have fucking these... | ||
| Wait, you're upset about this? | ||
| They have these bracelets on. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Pilot drone, whatever the fuck you called it. | ||
| I think that's pretty funny. | ||
| Dude, it's not funny. | ||
| He's talking about things that kill innocent people every day. | ||
| They use that thing in Pakistan, and those things, they launch them into these fucking villages and launch them to these mountainsides, and people get jacked left and right. | ||
| There's all sorts of people that get killed. | ||
| You could say that about joking about anything. | ||
| Airplanes, anything. | ||
| You could joke about black helicopters, but black helicopters kill people for the government. | ||
| Apache helicopters. | ||
| Drones, that's pretty funny. | ||
| He's just taking something that's kind of in the news. | ||
| Your example is ridiculous. | ||
| And here's the thing. | ||
| When you're the president of the goddamn United States, it's just like when George Bush was president. | ||
| And he said, where are the weapons of mass destruction? | ||
| None under here! | ||
| He's like looking under his desk. | ||
| Yeah, but drones aren't just made for killing. | ||
| It's for spying and stuff. | ||
| Dude, they have Hellfire missiles on them. | ||
| They're there to find people that are bad and launch missiles on them. | ||
| He's not implying he's going to spy on the Jonas Brothers. | ||
| He's implying that he's going to kill them. | ||
| With something that they've been killing people with overseas. | ||
| Yeah, but that's so lighthearted. | ||
| That's not like... | ||
| I don't think that's lighthearted at all. | ||
| I think that's attacking somebody because you want to attack the person. | ||
| I think that's ridiculous if you're getting angry about that. | ||
| You think that me saying that him saying that is attacking him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, no, no. | |
| You're obviously taking it like a... | ||
| I can't believe he's joking about this shit. | ||
| Brian, when you're the president of a country that is literally fucking the whole world... | ||
| I don't see a problem with that. | ||
| ...you're involved in two wars overseas and... | ||
| These weird things that happen in Pakistan that are, I don't know, who approves them or how exactly they work where they have these drones that fire these missiles at these people that we don't like. | ||
| And all sorts of other people die. | ||
| That's not something I would joke about if I was the President of the United States. | ||
| There's plenty of shit to make fun of. | ||
| To think that he's joking is also kind of acting like my mom getting mad about him. | ||
| I can't believe he said about this. | ||
| It's a terrible joke. | ||
| It's a dumb joke. | ||
| I don't know why he would think it's funny. | ||
| I don't know why he would think killing boys that want to fuck his girls is funny. | ||
| I think it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| To say that to the Jonas Brothers, I would say that. | ||
| It's not hilarious. | ||
| It bombed. | ||
| It wasn't a good joke. | ||
| It was like he got the worst response of any of his bits. | ||
| It wasn't well delivered either. | ||
| I think it's brilliant. | ||
| I can't believe you think that. | ||
| I wouldn't say that if I was the president. | ||
| That's retarded. | ||
| Would you say that? | ||
| You don't think there's any karma in that. | ||
| There's something very serious about being a person who's responsible, at least indirectly, for many, many people dying because of these fucking drones. | ||
| Many people crying. | ||
| Many families devastated. | ||
| Many people lost their children. | ||
| Many people lost their loved ones. | ||
| Gone forever. | ||
| But because it's taking place in Pakistan, doesn't freak you out? | ||
| What if he's involved in drone attacks in Ohio? | ||
| What if kids you went to high school with got fucking killed, they got their legs blown off because Obama is using drones to target Al-Qaeda in Ohio? | ||
| Wouldn't that freak you out? | ||
| You're saying a what if though, Joe. | ||
| You're saying a what if and not what really happened. | ||
| What I'm saying is Pakistan is no different than Ohio, man. | ||
| For you to think that it's okay in Pakistan and not okay in Ohio because that makes it a what if. | ||
| Joe, you're making it seem like I'm that sensitive about the Middle East and stuff where I'm not. | ||
| I don't think about that shit. | ||
| You know, you're getting really sensitive about our war and our troops and everything. | ||
| No, I'm getting sensitive about someone making a joke about murder. | ||
| Yeah, I think you're getting really sensitive about Obama just doing a bad joke, you know? | ||
| That's not just a bad joke. | ||
| It's a ridiculous, irresponsible joke. | ||
| I think to make a joke like that in the middle of two wars that people don't approve and all these things that are happening in Pakistan with Unmanned drones. | ||
| I don't think you should be making jokes like that. | ||
| Unless they're fucking hilarious. | ||
| And that joke was lame as fuck. | ||
| I think it's pretty funny, especially when the president says, I think it's hilarious. | ||
| I think it makes our president seem edgy. | ||
| I think it seems like he's not playing dumb and trying to butter, like, nerf our fucking ears. | ||
| He's actually saying something that's like, wow, that's kind of blue. | ||
| That's kind of crazy. | ||
| Dude, military. | ||
| The president doesn't have the key to the drones. | ||
| Oh, so his joke is not correct as well. | ||
| You don't think they would let him borrow the key so he could kill the Jonas Brothers? | ||
| Is that what you're trying to say? | ||
| Thank you very much for chiming in, sir. | ||
| Joe, but you're saying like your joke on baby blowjobs. | ||
| You're saying that's bad to say. | ||
| You know how many people are child molested and stuff? | ||
| No, here's an example that you need to use. | ||
| If I was a child molester and I was out there blowing babies, And then I did a joke about baby blowjobs. | ||
| Then it would be the same as what the president is doing. | ||
| So the president is killing people with drones right now. | ||
| Well, the president is the spokesperson for the country. | ||
| And the country is, in fact, at war and has military that is killing people with drones. | ||
| So yes, he's at the top of the food chain. | ||
| I see why you're upset, but I just don't see it. | ||
| I just don't see it. | ||
| I understand that you don't see it. | ||
| I think it's hilarious. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| Who Opie and Anthony were mad to about this? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think they were talking about something else. | ||
| They were talking about his jokes bombing. | ||
| Opie and Anthony were upset at his delivery. | ||
| His delivery was terrible. | ||
| Especially Norton. | ||
| Norton was going crazy. | ||
| I love Norton, but he also loves Jay Leno. | ||
| Well, Norton was right, and he was honest in his assessment of Jay Leno. | ||
| Jay was rushing through it. | ||
| He was rushing through his jokes, but the jokes were lame. | ||
| He knew he had bad jokes, and I think he thought it was going to be an easy crowd, and he could just squeak by. | ||
| But I think he realized when he got there that there was some pressure on him. | ||
| I think a lot of people don't like him now, that poor fuck. | ||
| Everybody's all mad at Jake because he took his job back. | ||
| Why does everybody give a shit? | ||
| Conan O'Brien gets $35. | ||
| Fucking million dollars, and he gets to go to TBS and do whatever he wants. | ||
| That's funny how he straight up lied, though, on the, whatever, 60 Minutes the other day. | ||
| Common did? | ||
| Yeah, twice. | ||
| What did he lie about? | ||
| He said that the reason why he got fired and not Leno, because his payout, or Leno's payout was more, or something like that, but they were like, NBC's like, that's a lie. | ||
| Their payouts were exactly the same. | ||
| They also said something like... | ||
| Maybe he didn't know. | ||
| Maybe he was just mistaken. | ||
| Well, there was another thing, something about... | ||
| He might have been told that by agents or something, too. | ||
| Something about NBC losing money. | ||
| But what I find odd, though, is that I checked ratings the other day. | ||
| Jay Leno's ratings and Conan's ratings are almost exactly the same as they were if you were going from year to year from last year to this year or whatever. | ||
| Exactly the same. | ||
| So there's no money. | ||
| There's no, like, Leno's number one making $50 million extra a month. | ||
| It's been exactly the same. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he was. | |
| He was before his whole scandal. | ||
| But they're thinking that he's eventually going to bring it back to where he was before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That he's going to take over the reins and have it back to where it was. | ||
| Because when he left, he was number one. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It's a stupid argument. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| It's just entertainment. | ||
| And not only that, it's not the best entertainment. | ||
| If Conan had a sketch show, I think that would rule. | ||
| That's what I would like to say. | ||
| Because I think the best parts on Conan was when he does those sketches. | ||
| Like when he did the baseball player, the 1800s baseball players, when he went there and played baseball with them and he was talking 1800s beat. | ||
| It was fucking hilarious. | ||
| That was way better to me than his interviews. | ||
| I mean, his interviews are cool, but most of the people that he's talking to, it's like, what are they doing? | ||
| They're just selling some shit. | ||
| They just want you to see their movie. | ||
| They just want you to buy their book or want you to listen to their music. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| You know, it's like he's just helping them sell shit. | ||
| That's really all it is. | ||
| It's gotten so bad in general of how bad, like, Jimmy Fallon. | ||
| They had a whole, like, 10-minute sketch the other day on Subway. | ||
| And it was a commercial, and it was like people were, there was actors involved, and they were, like, doing skits all about Subway. | ||
| About Subway subs? | ||
| Subs. | ||
| Like $5 footlongs was the whole thing they were talking about. | ||
| And it was an ad for, like, 10 minutes. | ||
| Well, you know, if it was funny, I wouldn't have a problem with it. | ||
| Have you seen that one commercial where they rip off Brian Callen's act? | ||
| There's a commercial, like an Old Spice commercial, where this guy's like doing Brian... | ||
| Look at my stance. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| On the horse? | ||
| On the horse. | ||
| I have an apple. | ||
| Dude, that is Brian Callen. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| That's like one of the most popular commercials. | ||
| That dude's like super rich now. | ||
| That guy sounds like Brian Callen's act. | ||
| And all these people are saying that. | ||
| And apparently advertising executives do that all the time. | ||
| They see comics. | ||
| They go to comedy clubs and get an idea from their act. | ||
| Here's something weird. | ||
| There was a movie called Miss March. | ||
| I forget the plot. | ||
| I was half drunk watching this movie. | ||
| Craig Robinson? | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| He played a character in this movie called Horse... | ||
| Horsecock.mpeg. | ||
| And the whole time I'm watching it, it's like... | ||
| That was his character? | ||
| Yeah, and the whole thing, the joke was that his character, he was a rapper named Horsecock.mpeg. | ||
| And the whole time I'm thinking, like, that's kind of weird because of your horse bit material about being Mr. Hands.mpeg. | ||
| No, that's not weird at all. | ||
| But it's weird how there's so much similar things like that. | ||
| And I'm wondering, like, you know, writers and people in marketing and commercial and stuff, if they'd really just... | ||
| Well, that's a ridiculous connection. | ||
| Anybody could come up with ChrisCock.mpeg. | ||
| Look, it was a real video, man. | ||
| Yeah, but only you, of all people, focused in on a point that was called MrHands.mpeg. | ||
| No, I think that's silly. | ||
| I think that's silly. | ||
| That's what it's called. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| I mean, just because I've talked about it on stage... | ||
| I mean, that is what it is. | ||
| You can't say that somebody stole that idea. | ||
| I didn't say he stole it. | ||
| I'm just saying it's weird how there's so many similar things. | ||
| Like you're saying Brian Callens. | ||
| That's stealing. | ||
| I know they stole it. | ||
| All these comics have recognized it. | ||
| It's like the guy is doing a version of Brian Callen. | ||
| And probably he doesn't even know. | ||
| He's probably just some actor and he's funny. | ||
| Maybe he just has the same voice. | ||
| No, it's not the voice. | ||
| It's the way Brian Callan talks about things. | ||
| He exaggerates. | ||
| Like, sometimes I just take a horse stance. | ||
| I just stand. | ||
| He's got this ridiculous act. | ||
| Like, look at my body, toned and defined. | ||
| I'm eating a peach. | ||
| Sometimes I like to eat a peach. | ||
| This guy's like doing Callan. | ||
| Callan has this ridiculous character. | ||
| It's like someone doing a you-might-be-a-redneck character, like going up and doing Jeff Foxworthy. | ||
| Even if he's not calling himself Jeff Foxworthy, you know where he came from. | ||
| But Jeff Foxworthy's famous, whereas Brian Callen's not famous. | ||
| If Brian Callen was super famous and then this commercial was out, everybody would be like, this guy's ripping off Brian Callen. | ||
| It's like he's doing Brian Callen. | ||
| I think that shit's real common. | ||
| I think they do it all the time and sell things. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| Sam Tripoli seems to think so. | ||
| Sam Tripoli thinks a lot of things that aren't true. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It's two hours and two minutes. | ||
| Yeah, that's just about it, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| So next week, we're going to fuck one of these, right? | ||
| We're going to talk about it? | ||
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| My manager, I'm sure, would not want me to fuck one of these things. | ||
| Especially this one. | ||
| You got the butthole one. | ||
| Yeah, I'll have that one. | ||
| Well, you already fingered the shit out of that one, you fucking weirdo. | ||
| Definitely send me some Twitter messages. | ||
| Tell me what you think. | ||
| If you think that it's ridiculous to think that I should not accept a sponsorship because somehow or another it's going to hurt my career, I think it's ridiculous. | ||
| But I would like to hear your thoughts. | ||
| Am I allowed to accept it? | ||
| And we could split the screen down the middle? | ||
| Brian's part of this show is sponsored by Fleshlight. | ||
| My side is not. | ||
| You're a Chiquita banana. | ||
| I want to let CBS, NBC, and ABC know that I am ready and willing to do your family game show. | ||
| Chiquita Banana on this side, fleshlight. | ||
| So, what do we need back here? | ||
| Do we need a monitor or do we need a green screen? | ||
| That's the other question. | ||
| Should it be a monitor or a green screen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
60 inch LED, 3D, DLP, LCD, Samsung. | |
| People at home would have to watch with goggles on and we would be blurry and everything else would be in 3D. Dude, that'd be awesome. | ||
| No, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Probably wouldn't even work. | ||
| It probably wouldn't transmit through this little shitty Ustream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But what if it did? | |
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| So there's a question too. | ||
| Should we do green screen? | ||
| I say yes. | ||
| I'm looking at it right now. | ||
| I'm like, it would be dope if we had an image of space behind us. | ||
| That's the move, right? | ||
| We have to do that. | ||
| Apparently we can't do that with this Ustream producer though. | ||
| What I'm worried about is that the Ustream producer is the only way we can get this thing up on iTunes. | ||
| No, we're just using the Ustream producer to take the signal out to the internet. | ||
| So we will plug this into your computer and this will be an input on Ustream producer. | ||
| So we'll still be able to use Ustream producer. | ||
| You sure? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know how this thing works? | ||
| I'm sure I can figure it out. | ||
| TriCaster? | ||
| Figured out Ustream producer in five minutes. | ||
| That's how easy it was. | ||
| Goddamn genius. | ||
| Without him, we would be doing the same thing, but it would suck more. | ||
| And probably the sound would be going on in the background. | ||
| Alright, green screen, most people think. | ||
| So I think that's what we're going to go with. | ||
| It's unanimous. | ||
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| Yeah, it's all green screen. | ||
| Everybody's saying green screen. | ||
| They don't want a monitor. | ||
| Monitor's a gay. | ||
| Green screen's cool, right? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Yeah, alright. | ||
| So that's what we're going to do. | ||
| That is the next stage. | ||
| So we have this. | ||
| And check this shit out. | ||
| Look how this thing goes. | ||
| At the end of the show, I go like that and it goes down. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Fucking crazy, man. | ||
| I got that shit at Z Gallery, yo. | ||
| So that's our show, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We will see you next week, Tuesday, as always. | ||
| You know how we rock it. | ||
| Basically the same every week. | ||
| And this thing is slowly but surely getting more and more complicated, but more professional, smoother. | ||
| The sound for the iTunes version is going to be way, way, way better now with these professional microphones and the high-end MP3 player and all that jazz. | ||
| The video should be better now as well. | ||
| And eventually, like I said, we're going to have that. | ||
| And next week, we're also going to have HD cameras. | ||
| So we'll have two cameras to choose from so we can switch back and forth and just get crazy. | ||
| And eventually, we're going to have this thing set up like a real studio. | ||
| There's another couch chair over here. | ||
| We'll have it lit up better too because right now it's lit kind of funky. | ||
| So it rolls on. | ||
| Thank you very much for tuning in. | ||
| I'm glad you guys enjoyed it. | ||
| Fleshlight.com. | ||
| Fleshlight.com is where you can go if you want to fuck a rubber pussy. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| So we'll see you next week. |
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