Brian Redban joins Joe Rogan to mock Fleshlight’s "creepy" texture and "cow milking" prank, debating its therapeutic claims while Rogan dismisses pharmaceutical hypocrisy—banning psychedelics despite their potential while ignoring cartel power. They pivot to SmartDust, a HP-backed "central nervous system for Earth," with trillions of sensors eroding privacy, and Rogan’s wild 2012 tech apocalypse theory. Meanwhile, George Reckers’ anti-gay hypocrisy—caught hiring escorts while accusing others of coprophilia—exposes the Christian right’s double standards, mirroring Obama’s reckless drone joke and Spitzer’s prostitution scandal. Rogan concludes by arguing that those who police others’ morality often hide their own darkest secrets. [Automatically generated summary]
We're trying to figure out what to put right back there.
Most likely it's going to be a green screen because I'm looking at this right now and I'm like, how dope would it be if we were in fucking space right now?
Well, this guy, I never watched that or heard that thing or remember it, but I do remember that that fleshlight thing got stuck in my head because of that.
Unfortunately, he lives in Austin, but the next time we're in Austin, what we'll do is we'll bring our equipment and everything that's set up in Austin.
How fucking crazy are people and how crazy is it that me, of all people, Like, all the shit that I've talked about, from fucking DMT to the fact that I think the government killed Kennedy and the same people are probably in power and giant fucking corporations control the world.
You have a video of you and me watching two girls in one cup and then you showing, no, you gotta watch a video of a guy chopping off their dick, but yet you can't masturbate with...
Well, the crazy thing is they said, the manager said, that one of the things they were talking about was the fact that this is in the pornography industry.
That was one of the things that this guy was telling us.
One of the more fascinating things about this whole thing was the actual therapeutic applications of the fleshlight.
And this sounds like nonsense.
Sounds like someone's just justifying trying to fuck a rubber pussy.
But no.
They use them for a bunch of different therapeutic reasons.
And one of them is people in certain religions aren't allowed to touch their penis.
And because they're not allowed to touch their penis, these guys, he said the Hasidic Jews in particular, actually have a hard time orgasming when they have sex with women because they're so used to like fucking pillows.
Because they do most of their masturbation like grabbing a sheet or grabbing a pillow.
This is his words, not mine.
This could be totally nonsense.
I don't know.
I have not researched this at all.
That's my caveat.
But he said that the fleshlight is actually covered by some insurance policies as therapy.
As sexual therapy to get them to learn how to orgasm with a vagina instead of fucking some rough pillow.
I don't know.
I have not validated this.
It makes sense to me.
It totally makes sense to me.
And the other reason for the fleshlight is it trains guys not to prematurely ejaculate.
And guys who have problems with premature ejaculation, they can practice in the fleshlight.
So what I don't understand, and I definitely want to hear from you guys, just let me know on Twitter at Joe Rogan.
Just my name now, Joe Rogan.
It used to be D-O-T-N-E-T dot net because some dude cyber squatted on my name.
But I got it back.
Thank you very much, Twitter.
My account got verified and all that shit.
I want to know.
Do you think it's ridiculous?
Because I think it's ridiculous.
Is there really a bunch of you out there that would not want to see something that I'm doing, whatever the fuck it is, because you know that I support rubber pussies?
Is it possible that that could cost somebody business?
I mean, in this day and age when the fucking Pope, okay, is not being brought to justice for shielding child molesters, you're really gonna get upset at me if I endorse a rubber pussy?
I mean, the Pope is endorsed by the goddamn presidents of every goddamn country in the world, and this guy shielded pedophiles.
I mean, it's a fact.
He did.
He's a part of the problem with the Catholic Church.
That motherfucker is accepted everywhere.
Am I comparing myself to the Pope?
I guess I am, folks.
I don't know why.
There's some grandiose illusions of grandeur in my head.
It's because I've always wanted to wear a dope-ass robe.
Show up for work dressed like a Merlin.
I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbating.
Obviously, you don't either.
We all do it.
I don't think there's anything wrong with a product that makes masturbation easier or better.
They're trying to protect me from, like, you know, if I had to do a show like Fear Factor or something like that, maybe that could be a problem with some producers.
We could have never had a fucking show like this that reaches as many people as this thing does, including the podcast on iTunes and this thing on Ustream.
And there's no fucking way we could have ever gotten someone to agree to let us practice a TV show.
This is what we're going to do.
We're going to start off just fucking around with boxes of shit behind me piled up on the desk.
And then eventually we're going to move on to trying to have a real show with a desk and real microphones.
And the sound is much better.
We've got a top-end MP3 recorder.
And then the next thing, we've got Ustream producer.
We're going to have high-def cameras in here.
And eventually we're going to figure out how to do it all through a TriCaster.
So that we can have a background and we'll put a green screen out behind us.
We never thought that this was going to happen.
This is just a goof.
Not that this is any big deal.
This could have happened.
But that it's this easy and this fun and people would enjoy it this much.
I could have never done this on television.
They would have never let me.
And if they did, they would never let me just do it the way we did.
They would just wing it and talk about whatever.
For the first fucking ten weeks, we didn't even plan what we were going to talk about.
We would just get in there, turn it on, and just talk about it.
So, I completely lost what the fuck I was talking about.
I completely lost what I was saying.
I know what my point is.
My point is that this is new TV, and you're right.
It protects me, really, if I do something like the flashlight or any of the ridiculous shit I do, it protects me from doing any dumb stuff.
fear factor type shit in the future it's so funny because there is a pretty direct line on the old tv where the new tv is mixing with the old tv right now i was watching family guy and the episode involved a dog licking out a baby's asshole but it was on the last episode had that uh where brian the dog ate out stewie's asshole and cleaned shit off his ass How is that possible?
And we're talking about masturbating, having a problem with masturbating.
I think when you're as successful as they are or as successful as South Park is, you basically can do whatever the fuck you want.
Because people want to be on your show.
Advertisers, rather.
They want to advertise on your show.
I mean, your show is gigantic.
South Park has just got such a loyal legion of followers that at this point in time, until the Mohammed thing, they pretty much got away with doing almost anything they wanted for a long time.
That's crazy about the Mohammed thing, because in New York City, they just captured the guy, the bomber, and there's a connection that people are starting to make between a Republican senator or something like that said that they think there might be a connection between the two, but they haven't proved anything yet.
There are people that really do believe that you're not supposed to make fun of them at all, and if you do, you're supposed to die.
Like, that's the worst example of human beings in the world.
And the problem with the Middle East, and this is what I've always talked about, I've talked about it as a joke in my act, but it really is kind of true.
One of the reasons why they're so arcane in their ways, what are you doing, trying to adjust the sound?
One of the reasons why they're so arcane in their ways is that that's where culture began.
The oldest known civilization that we know of is Sumer, and that's where Iraq is.
So basically, the people that are still in that area are like the townies of the world.
I mean, they're really stuck on some fucking multi-thousand-year-old shit.
And us being in America, it's not that America is better than other countries, but one advantage that America has is that we're the most recent country.
So we're all from somewhere that sucked.
Every one of us here, we came from somewhere that sucked, or our ancestors came from somewhere that sucked.
And they congregated to this one place to get the most fresh ideas, supposedly.
To be the most progressive.
Because they're at the furthest ahead of the curve.
But people in the Middle East, that's the furthest, that's the beginning point of the curve.
They really are the fucking townies of the world.
And that's why there's the problem with this fucking cartoon thing.
Is that these motherfuckers really do believe that there's some magical motherfucker that you're not supposed to draw.
I mean, it's bananas.
That is the enemy of evolution.
This ancient ideology, this...
This fucking ridiculous idea that somehow or another, several thousand years ago, they had it wired.
They had it figured out back then.
Even though they didn't know jack shit about medicine, about the constellations.
They didn't know anything.
But they had it wired.
They knew.
They knew what was going on.
What the fuck are you talking about?
It's ridiculous.
The fact that there's people willing to die for that.
The fact that they're Christians and they're not into blowing themselves up for Jesus.
They're into...
I mean, what's going on is it's a lot of money and a lot of influence and a lot of people that, you know, get illegal money and they're dominating the actual political system over there.
And as many as they try to raid, there's so many more of them.
It's such a fucking hard fight because they let them like dig in and get infested.
There's just so many fucking gigantic cartels with just tons and tons of money and guns.
It's so frightening.
But if they were the enemy, if that was Muslim...
If Pakistan was right next door to us and this shit was going down, it would be even scarier.
It really would.
Because for some reason, the Mexicans aren't blaming the Americans.
It's really interesting.
It's like, Mexican people are pretty proud people.
Well, right after I decided not to accept the prescription, a study came out showing that the FDA, Food and Drug Administration, they're going to recommend cutting way back on prescriptions.
And they recommend that doctors do not prescribe them because of liver damage and because of addiction.
I've only done Vicodin once when I had my first knee operation.
I've had three knee operations, two ACL reconstructions, one meniscus surgery.
The first time I had the ACL done, it was pretty painful because they did what's called a patella tendon graft.
I have this scar that goes from here to here.
And what they do is they take a chunk of bone out of your knee and a chunk of bone out of your shin and they cut this big tendon, they cut a slice of it off with the bone.
And then they open you up like a fish and they drill it in place.
So they take this tendon and they make it smaller to make you a fake tendon for the ACL. And it's apparently supposed to be physically stronger than the original ACL. The point is, you got holes in your bones and screws in your bones and it hurts like a bitch.
When you get up, especially when you're sitting down and then you get up, it's way more pain.
I have the other one done with a cadaver, so I got a dead dude's shit in this knee.
But the one with the ACL where they do the surgery where they take it off the bone is way, way, way more painful.
I'd get up from the couch and be like watching TV and it was just like hot lava, just hot lead just going right into my bones.
Well, what basically we're trying to say is there's no fucking difference between Vicodins and heroin and Oxycontins and heroin are really the same thing.
There's no fucking difference between pharmaceutical companies and drug dealers.
The only difference is the drug dealers don't have to work within the law.
The pharmaceutical companies, they have to bribe politicians.
They have to wax doctors.
You know what they do with doctors?
They take everybody out to dinner.
Mrs. Rogan, her mom is a nurse and she works with these pharmaceutical companies.
These nurses, they don't make much money and they don't get to go out to fancy dinners.
Well, the pharmaceutical companies come along and say, hey, Viagra's going to take us out on a nice dinner.
And they all get to go to a nice restaurant and have a nice meal.
And it's all on these pharmaceutical companies.
They pay for the drinks.
They pay for everything.
And so these people are more likely to talk nice about their pharmaceuticals.
So I finally went to the doctor the other day, digestive doctor, and I told him everything I had.
And then he's like, oh, let me give you some samples.
He gave me a garbage bag almost full of this sample.
It was called the bluepill.com.
I don't remember what the name of it, but it was the bluepill.com or something like that.
And I'm thinking, you know what, I wonder if this is even the best thing I could be taking right now or if this guy just got paid to give me a bottle.
Because he gave me like 20 bottles of samples and coupons and books.
And I take it and I'm like, yeah, I guess that kind of is better.
But I don't know if I'm just tricking myself or if I have to go back there and make a second appointment just to be like, look, whatever you gave me, that's bullshit.
And when you're a doctor and you're struggling to get along and you have to pay an insane amount of malpractice insurance, I mean, malpractice insurance for doctors is goddamn brutal.
And then you have all these assholes that want to sue you for fucking nothing, for no reason, for shit getting wrong, for you getting an infection, for things that are totally unavoidable.
I'm not saying the doctor's perfect, but it's hard for doctors.
Their medical school bills are gigantic.
They're fucking huge.
All of a sudden, some pharmaceutical company comes along and says, hey, you're still helping all these people.
You're still doing a great thing.
We just would love it if you would tell them, take Vioxx if you have arthritis.
These doctors say, yeah, I could do that.
We'll be in on a deal with you guys.
We'll give you a share in the company.
We'll give you a certain percentage.
For every Vioxx bottle you sell, we'll give you X percent.
And so they don't think they're doing anything wrong.
Vioxx is something that was created to help people.
This person has a pain.
I'll give them this.
It'll help their pain.
And I'll profit.
And they don't even think it's a bad thing.
And the next thing you know, they're prescribing it way more than they did before, especially nutty pills.
There's been many studies done on people who take on antidepressants and how people have gone to psychiatrists just for experimentation purposes, just to write stories on it.
And just say, hey, I'm just having trouble sleeping.
I just feel shitty all day.
I don't know what to do.
Here, take this.
Bam!
It's that simple.
Have Zoloft.
You'll feel better.
They're just dishing it out.
Try this for a little bit and tell us how you feel.
We're fucking with human neurochemistry and we're allowing these heartless pharmaceutical companies to do it?
You can't do that, man.
There's got to be more oversight.
I know there's a lot of money involved in pharmaceuticals and I know that there's a lot of pharmaceuticals that do a lot of good for a lot of people.
I'm not saying there's anything bad about it, but there's got to be way more oversight because they have so much shit out there that you can get addicted to.
There's so much that will fuck your life up and it's readily available.
Oxycontins, fucking Percocets, Valiums, Vicodins, those fucking things will crush you.
And somehow or another, those guys are doing something that's way more acceptable than someone who sells pot or coke.
Well, you know, I mean, look, doctors are heroes, man.
The doctors that have fixed me up, I mean, forever in their debt.
The guy who fixed my nose, the guys who fixed my knees.
You know, if it wasn't for them, my nose would suck and I wouldn't be able to walk that good.
You know, I mean, doctors are fucking awesome.
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying we live in this ridiculous state of hypocrisy.
Because there's certain drugs that we make illegal, you literally aren't supposed to have them.
It's not that you can get them prescribed if you need them or they can monitor you.
No, you're not allowed to.
Big Daddy, who knows more than you, tells you that if you're with this drug, we're going to lock you in a cage.
Like, what the fuck?
Why is that?
Is that set up so that the people who really appreciate and recognize the merits in the psychedelic drugs rise up so that they realize they have to literally overthrow the culture, the way of thinking?
Not overthrow, rather, but overturn the way the culture accepts drugs?
Because that's the only thing that seems to make sense.
All the beneficial ones are illegal.
You don't ever hear about someone talking to you about they did Valium and they just really had this life-changing experience and learned to love everyone.
No, you don't have that fucking on Valium.
I felt connected to the universe and I realized that I'm just a part of a never-ending process and my biology is trying to hold on to everything and that's where the insecurity comes from.
No, you don't get that from fucking Valium, okay?
You get that from mushrooms.
And mushrooms grow outside, and if they catch you with them, they put you in a cage.
If they come by your fucking house, and you have mushrooms growing under a tree in your backyard, they are legally allowed to lock you in a box.
They can take you and arrest you.
That's fucking bananas!
Bananas.
And that, our enforcing, our ridiculous thinking on the Mexican people, is why those drug cartels got into power.
Is that a conspiracy theory?
Perhaps.
Is that a little bit of tinfoil hat?
Perhaps.
Yeah, maybe, but some of that tinfoil hat shit is on the money, and I think it is with this.
We live right next to a country that's involved in a way more deadly war than the one going on in Afghanistan or going on in Iraq.
Both of them combined can't even touch the body counts that are happening in Mexico right next door.
They're killing motherfuckers!
They're going crazy over there, dude!
And you can get there by walking.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, we're all invested in Afghanistan and securing Afghanistan.
Meanwhile, we live right next to a fucking third world country.
We are connected to them with an invisible line and they're involved in the bloodiest pharmaceutical war that's ever been fought in the history of this earth.
The illegal pharmaceutical war.
They're fighting it with goddamn tanks.
They're fighting a pharmaceutical war with tanks.
And that's what the war is.
The war is who gets to sell your shit.
Is it going to be people that have no law whatsoever or is it going to be people that have laws?
And if you say it's going to be people that have laws and that the other stuff you're not going to allow, well then someone's going to sell that other stuff because there's a goddamn demand for it.
The new piercings where they have up and down your back, they have hoops and then they take laces and go back and forth like it's a dress and they tie bows and stuff with it.
I was thinking, how fucking crazy is that?
Even piercings are crazy.
I remember back in the day, it was left hoop, right hoop.
There was a girl standing outside of my grocery store trying to do Greenpeace, whatever that shit is, and she had that whole thing up and down with a bra on.
You know, no one is accepting, you know, lights out, you know, just fucking and no dirty talk, no nothing, missionary style, rollover, kiss goodnight, go to sleep.
No one's accepting that.
Everyone's Going lobster style.
And this is all because of the internet, because pornography has changed the way people look at sex.
And what they're talking about, a lot of people are talking about there's a problem with young girls right now getting all sorts of problems with their buttholes because they're having butt sex way early and all the time.
The age of information is not necessarily aiding it entirely because people aren't necessarily using the information on the internet to make an objective opinion.
They're usually trying to find stuff that reinforces their own current opinion.
It's a very tempting thing.
With ideas on the internet, you've got to look at both sides of it.
But a lot of people aren't.
So it's like almost helping retards be retarded.
If they can find other sites that say the earth is flat and dinosaurs lived with people 6,000 years ago.
You can find plenty of sites if you look around.
It tells you that evolution is retarded.
You can have plenty of sites that will have guys who are doctors and they're scientists.
They're obviously crazy.
But they're telling people that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that carbon dating is not real, and that evolution is a myth, and that we had to come from somewhere, so there has to be a God, and that the Bible can prove the Bible mathematically.
They start talking nutty talk, and these are doctors and scientists.
So if you just look for them, you'll decide on their point of view.
If you just look at any one side of any issue, you can get your answers reinforced.
So the problem with that is, People are just getting their answers reinforced, or questions rather, reinforced.
They're not necessarily learning.
They're finding other retards who have set up websites that confirm their retarded ideas.
That's kind of a little bit of a problem.
That's one problem with the internet.
The other part of it is just magnificent.
The other part of it is people who are open-minded, who are really using it as this crazy network of information, and they're really learning like at this It's an incredible, exponentially expanding rate.
We're learning shit and we're so much more aware of shit than our parents were.
We're so much more aware of information.
There's so much more shit going on that you have to store in your head.
When I talk to my mom about the world, what's going on in the world, I feel like I'm talking to my daughter.
There's a level of understanding that our generation has reached.
To me, that movie changed my life because that's the movie that got me into the isolation tanks.
If it wasn't for Altered States, I probably never would have a tank in my basement and And when that tank in my basement has changed the way I look at the world, that thing is like my reset button.
Whenever I got anything that's fucking with my head, that tank kicks me the real deal every time.
It's like my guidebook.
It's like literally to me, my isolation tank is like my connection to the spirit world.
It's like my spirit guide.
It sounds completely retarded.
And gay and it sounds new agey.
But that's what it feels like.
When I get in there and I just zone, I just disappear.
My body disappears.
When my mind has no sensory input, when I'm just floating through space in that tank, I get truth.
I get straight truth about everything I've ever done, about anything that I've ever done where I was the douchebag, anything that I've ever watched where I can re-watch things that have happened in my life and see where I've personally made mistakes, things that I've done well, things that I could have avoided, reasons why people are upset at me.
Everything kicks you.
And then it kicks me everything about, what am I doing wrong in my personal life?
What am I doing wrong in my career?
What am I doing wrong in my comedy?
What am I doing wrong in my writing?
Here's what you can eliminate.
Here's what you can do better.
Almost never, like, it's never a praising thing.
It's always like a ruthless self-examination experience.
It's never like an experience like, yeah, I'm fucking awesome here.
I'm in the water.
Never.
It's almost always uncomfortable.
But after you get out of it, man, you have a newfound appreciation and respect for life.
And that experience would not have happened if I didn't watch that movie Altered States and get confused.
Yeah, the technology available today, a random dude with a PC who knows how to encode 3D animation, he can make something on his own computer and literally have a texture to it and everything.
Shit is happening so quickly, man, with the internet, with the level of complexity that they can pull off in animation now is just astounding.
I mean, Avatar still looked a little off, but the reason why they got away with it looking a little off is that they used monsters and shit that you don't know in real life.
So, you know, you look at it and you go, oh, well...
In the scene where he shoots the lion, or he's going to shoot a deer, and the lion takes out the deer.
It looks so bad.
It looks so corny and fake.
It's so...
it should be totally unacceptable like they really should have to film in another way like you should have to do it in the dark where I can't see it where it happens so quickly but what you show me is just dog shit for a movie that's that powerful they can't totally recreate real life and because of that they can't totally recreate people yet but they can really recreate monsters Shit that they make up.
They can make shit that they invent look fucking amazing.
The dudes that I met on Fear Factor and the dudes that I've worked with, especially the guys on this Zookeeper movie because there was a lot of crazy stunts.
I crashed a bike.
I wasn't supposed to be doing my own stunts, but I had this bike scene with me and Kevin where I'm chasing him and I'm yelling at him and I'm trying to reach him.
Taking it from a guy who's involved in UFC and does jiu-jitsu, it sounds ridiculous.
But jiu-jitsu, if you trust your partners, you're pretty safe, man.
I mean, I'm doing it all the time, and I've only been injured a few times, and one of the injuries was an old injury.
I had one ACL and meniscus tear from my old taekwondo days, and that one re-injured...
First in jiu-jitsu, and then I injured the other leg, but that's over fucking...
I've been doing it now for 14 years.
That's a long-ass time.
You know, I only have a few minor injuries, and to roll, like, all the time, because most of the time, you're rolling with dudes you can trust, and, you know, you're not going to fucking dump each other on each other's heads.
You're not going to hurt each other if you don't have to.
Like, when you get an arm bar or something, you back off before...
You know when a dude is got.
You know you don't hurt each other.
But you can trust people.
You can't trust a fucking horse.
You can't trust a horse.
If a horse just decides, fuck this, and just digs those legs in, you're done, son.
Yeah, well, you know, there's people that believe that religion and oil are stuffed in together, you know, on purpose, just to make, you know, it easier to control the oil.
The idea that the CIA is involved and all these...
Secret shadow government organizations are involved in creating drama and turmoil so that we always have an enemy over there.
That's a very real theory.
If you talk to people who understand how the United States is involved in other countries and how we do sell arms to people like Iran and Iraq and we provide them with weapons and we play both sides of the fence.
We provide their enemy with shit too.
We create drama so we can go in there and clean it up.
I mean, the people involved in the oil business are all the people that are supporting the conservative right.
But at this point, I think everybody's involved.
I don't think it's just the conservatives.
I don't think it's just the Republicans.
The Democrats are just as like...
I believe Obama was in favor of offshore drilling.
I think there was so much pressure that we need to relieve ourselves of the need for foreign oil that they were in support of it.
I think everybody was in support of it.
It seemed like a great idea.
I thought it was a good idea.
I'm like, if they don't spill that shit, and it doesn't seem like they do very often, I was like, well, hey, if they know what they're doing, that's the problem, if they know what they're doing.
So I was in favor of it, too, until I saw this, and I was like, okay, this is crazy.
I didn't know that this could happen.
I thought that if something breaks, you just shut it off.
I thought you have some sort of a fail-safe.
I can't believe they had no backup plan.
They don't know the exact estimate, but one of the estimates is 40,000.
But it is an insane amount of oil, and it's leaking out every day, and they don't know exactly how they're going to stop it.
And I heard someone last night, but this is a dude in jujitsu class, so who knows if he was telling me the truth.
He could have been just talking out of his ass.
But he was saying that they could stop the oil, but the way they would have to stop it is blow up the well.
They would have to blow it up, and if they did that, the oil would stop.
But then they'd be fucked because they don't want to do that because they have this well down there they want to protect, and they want to be able to turn it back on again eventually.
If that's true, that's insane.
If there really is a fix and all you have to do is blow it up and they're worried because this company wants to continue to pump oil out of there, number one is you've got to stop what you're doing.
You've got to stop all this oil coming out.
Did you build the well?
You built it, right?
You built it.
You're going to have to build a new one.
Okay?
You can't salvage the parts of this while it's bleeding oil into the ocean.
I mean, that's bananas.
Like, if there really is a fix, and the fix involves them destroying the whole thing, you've got to destroy the whole thing first, and then rebuild it.
I don't care how many years it takes to make one of those things.
That doesn't mean anything.
How many years is it going to take to clean up what the fuck you did?
If cat litter just clung to it, and all you'd do is pour bags of it, and it would make these big, gelatinous cat litter and oil glob boulders that'd be sitting on the bottom of the ocean floor, and they would just scoop them up.
There's a lot of weird arguments about what oil actually is, and some people believe that oil is some sort of a natural substance created by the earth.
There's a whole book I got on it called Black Gold Stranglehold.
I haven't bothered to research online to find out if it's been totally disproven or whether it's bullshit.
But this guy's argument is that the oil isn't fossil fuels.
It's not really like plankton or dead plants or shit like that.
Like what people assume that it is.
Millions of years of that.
But with a finite amount left in the earth.
But actually it's some sort of a natural fluid that's produced by the earth.
And if that's the truth...
If he's right, and he's probably not right, but if he is right, that's like the blood of the world.
We're like little vampire bugs sucking off the blood of the world.
That's too trippy, man.
Even if fossil fuels, even if it's not that, even if it is the decay of things that have existed on this earth and were consumed by death and decayed and created this substance that we use now, even if that's the case, then it's like the shit of the earth.
Then it's like we're sucking the shit of the earth out.
Well, either way, it's like we're sucking something out that's a part of some sort of a natural cycle.
You know, it's all supposed to be in there.
It's like, it's like literally like, we're like fucking mosquitoes, man.
We're ticks sucking off the blood and the most progress that we've ever had in the history of our race was when we started sucking off the blood of the earth.
When we started cannibalizing Mother Gaia, when we started eating our mother, that's when everything started going awesome.
That's when they created cars and computers and Cell phones and, you know, Google Voice in your pocket.
All that shit is all because that we have this oil.
Because we have figured out a way to make shit out of oil.
And we can transport shit with oil.
We can get planes to fly using oil.
I mean, it's fucking bananas.
What a crazy society.
One thing comes along.
Combustion engines figuring out how to use oil for plastic, for fuel, for all these different things.
Dude, I've been saying for a long time that I believe that the next stage of human beings is going to be the no secret stage.
There's going to be some, I mean, it's going to be eventually, it's going to get to the point where we can see each other's thoughts and we can communicate with each other and read each other's minds and memories and ideas and we get each other's ideas directly from each other.
That's the next stage.
But it's not going to go directly to that.
It's going to take a little pit stop along the way.
And the pit stop it's going to take along the way is no more privacy.
That's step number one.
Before the interface, before human beings are allowed to interface with each other, before we're allowed to become one gigantic wireless mind.
And that's possible and probable.
I think that's the future.
I think there's going to be some sort of a neural connection that allows everybody to connect with everybody.
But before that happens, they're going to have to come up with something like this.
Before that happens, there's going to be an intermediate step.
And an intermediate step will be no more privacy.
You're going to be able to watch people fuck.
You're going to be able to see everything all the time.
Our point is, ladies and gentlemen, that our privacy is slowly going away.
And I think that that is a part of the natural evolution of the human race.
I think that the human race is evolving to something that is no longer going to deal with embarrassment.
We're going to have a different set of needs.
Because our environment has changed so radically...
From what our physical biology is coded for, that it's forcing this sort of an evolution.
Technology is forcing us to evolve socially as it is evolving technologically.
As they come up with crazy and crazier shit that dissolves boundaries more and more, we're forced to play catch up.
And that's what's going to happen.
If we get to a point where there's no more privacy, then we're going to realize how ridiculous privacy is in the first place.
We're going to realize how ridiculous embarrassment is and shame is and all this stupid shit.
Like my daughter never wants to admit when she's shitting.
She's fucking two.
She never wants to admit it.
You poop?
Nope.
She'll shake her head no.
Making shit faces.
She doesn't want you to touch her.
They get embarrassed.
It's almost a natural coding in our system.
And I think eventually all that stuff is going to deteriorate.
I think it's going to dissolve.
It's going to be crushed by innovation.
I think that's what's going to force us to catch up.
Because it's like the things that we accept as part of our normal culture and the way we behave, a lot of it is just what we get used to.
I mean, think about the shit that people get used to in other countries.
Think about the cultures and the weird traditions that people have been a part of throughout history.
Amish people and people who have plates in their lips and nutty motherfuckers who do all kinds of different rituals all over the world.
It's all what you get used to.
We're just used to privacy.
We're used to it.
It's not necessary.
It's going to be more important for us to get rid of douchebags.
It's going to be more important for us to realize the importance of educating human beings and raising human beings that think correctly and to be responsible for the human beings you create and raise.
You're responsible for your fucking dog biting something, but you're not responsible for your son becoming a mass murderer.
Then it's just, oh, he got crazy.
I don't know what happened.
If your son kicks someone's ass and does a bad thing to someone and breaks their property...
You can get sued.
And you will have to pay for that kid's medical expenses.
But if your son is some fucking mass murderer, what are they going to do?
If anything, it's been proven that watching horror movies and playing video games is a release.
According to Todd Hollingshead from id Software, he and I were having a conversation about this the other night, where he was saying that violence among kids has gone down since popularity in video games and violent video games has gone up.
That it has sort of a cathartic release sort of a thing.
Yeah, so who knows what the fuck is ever going to happen with this smart dust shit, but, you know, I find it amazing that this is something that's on, you know, CNN labs on...
You know, on the internet, but I'm not hearing about this anywhere.
While it seemed an impossible goal for nearly a hundred years, scientists now believe they are on the brink of cracking one of the biggest problems in physics by harnessing the power of nuclear fusion, the reaction that burns at the heart of the sun.
They're trying to put together a show where Tiger Woods mistresses are going to get together with Jesse James mistresses and they're going to search for love.
There's no voting on whether or not we go to Afghanistan.
You vote a president in, and then the president gets to decide all sorts of fucked up shit that nobody wants.
If you allowed the American people to decide, 90% of the shit we got involved in would never happen.
So we have it set up where you don't get to decide.
You get to decide on who gets to decide.
That's what you get to decide on.
Which is fucking ridiculous.
The idea that one guy should be trusted to fucking run everything in this day and age, as much as we know about how complicated the world is, that's fucking nonsense.
That's total nonsense.
But yet, we accept it.
The right way to do it would be to have everybody vote on things.
The problem with that is...
People are fucking stupid.
They're really easy to manipulate.
You could tell them all sorts of shit that's not true, and the dumb ones would all buy it, and the dumb ones are more than half.
So now what do you do?
So it's almost like you have to have someone who you think is pretty smart to get into power so that he can make the decisions for you guys and look out for your best interests.
But that's when money gets involved.
And then they get fucking corporations, and the corporations come with the long money to make sure that you get an office.
But once you get an office, it's like, you know, man, we really like...
The oil that we're getting from the Amazon jungle.
We like to keep getting that shit.
There's some places we like to cut down some trees.
There's a lot of bitches hating.
I got you.
You want to cut down trees?
Let's cut down trees, son.
This is what we do.
We're going to go over there.
We're going to give them a giant-ass loan that they can't pay back.
And then when they can't pay it back, we'll go jack them and take their shit.
And we've been doing that since fucking the beginning of time.
There's money involved.
And when there's money involved, you can't ever have real power.
The real power can't be isolated in one area.
There can't be all this influence where one group or one person or one organization gets to control shit.
Because then everybody's going to be trying to kiss ass to that organization to get them to do what they want.
So they can conduct business.
And that's what we're dealing with.
That's why people can't vote for everything.
Because a real democracy wouldn't work.
We're fucking babies.
We're infantile.
There's no way, with the way we've been living our society, like, there's some big daddy looking out for us, you know, there's no way we can go from that to, like, being able to be completely free and vote for everything that happens.
It'd be too complicated right now.
That shit's gonna take a long time, but I don't think it's ever gonna happen.
I think something's gonna just bypass it and launch our culture and launch our civilization into the next stage.
I think we're never gonna evolve as we are in this form.
I think this form is all about fucking and violence and chaos and laughter and nonsense.
That's this life.
That's this life.
This life is all about love and friendships and shit you like to do and fun.
And it's hang on.
Hang on to the big ship that is humanity, because some shit is going to change, and you're about to go through a new door, and when we go through that new door, all this shit that you've been worrying about, about whether or not you should get a Mac or a PC, or whether or not you're a Democrat or Republican, or whether or not you like Family Guy, or fucking fuck those hacks, I like South Park, you know, that's all going to be nonsense when the big change happens.
And I think it's coming.
I think it is really fucking coming.
And I think you see things like this little smart dust thing, and you see things like people trying to create suns, and you see things like what's going on with the fucking oil spill, where there's going to be some radical changes to the way people approach extracting oil from the ground now.
People are going to demand this is going to be a catastrophe.
You know, I think some shit is changing, dude.
I think shit is changing.
It's freaky.
It's freaky to think that the ridiculous notion of 2012 being the end of humanity is a date you can actually track.
It seems like it's happening that way.
I would not be shocked if December 21st, 2012 actually does turn out to be some sort of crazy invention or insane innovation that catapults the human race into the next stage of existence.
While you go in the bathroom, I'll take questions.
And when he comes back from the bathroom, we're going to talk about this dude.
His name is George Wreckers, and he is a Christian right leader, and he just got busted with a twink.
I love these stories, man.
This dude is like this real staunch anti-gay activist.
He's a board member of something called the National Association for Research Therapy of Homosexuality.
And it turns out he's really gay.
It turns out that he was trying to pass all this legislation.
He's in the American College of Pediatrics, or of pediatricians.
And apparently the American College of Pediatricians, that's like the name of it, but really they hand out literature, according to this one website, accusing gays of something called coprophilia, C-O-P-R-O-P-H-I-L-I-A, which means...
Sexuality while playing with shit.
Coprophilia.
So they're accusing gays of this coprophilia, this philia, this obsession, this sickness.
And, you know, and saying how terrible gays are and how adopted children that are adopted to gay families are all fucked up.
And meanwhile, this dude the entire time was banging dudes.
It's really goddamn classic.
He was caught on vacation with something called a rent boy.
He went to rentboy.com.
Rentboy.com.
And this is what he advertised for.
This is the guy that he went with.
He has a smooth, sweet, tight ass and a perfectly built 8-inch cock.
Uncut.
And he explains that he is sensual, wild, and up for anything.
So they catch this dude, George Reckers of North Miami.
They catch him, the leading scholar for the Christian right.
They catch him at the terminal with his gay escort and start taking pictures.
I mean, if you were a gay dude and you were so tired of people fucking with other gay dudes and coming up with all these laws that make it impossible for you to get married and make it more difficult for you to adopt children and make it more difficult for you to get all sorts of shit that shouldn't be denied from you because of your sexual preference.
If you're not doing anything to harm anybody else, it's ridiculous.
They would even...
Entertained that there's something wrong with it.
This one motherfucker is just going off, just involved in so much legislation, so much activism against homosexuals, and meanwhile, this fucking dude...
Advisory roles with Congress, the White House, Department of Health and Human Services, and testifying at a state's witness in favor of Florida's gay adoption ban.
This motherfucker's going to rentboy.com and getting twinks.
He's getting twinks.
If you know what twinks are, twinks are the little boys that gay dudes like.
So many people that are anti-gay that turn out to be gay.
Or was Faber the one that was trying to bang kids?
He was trying to bang...
He was gay and he was trying to bang his assistants and his...
What are those?
Congressional pages.
That's what he was doing.
I think that's his name, Faber.
Whatever.
If it's not, you know what the fuck I'm talking about.
There's so many of these guys that are trying to fight against gay people and trying to stop people from doing things and they turn out to be gay.
How do they not know that people are going to check?
At this day and age?
How do you not know that if you're a guy who's just spending an exorbitant amount of time trying to fight the gay agenda, trying to stop gays from having the same rights as straight couples, trying to just suppress people, wouldn't you think they would look at you?
It's an incredible, the suppression of others for no reason.
When you look into someone trying to suppress someone else's wants and desires for no reason, you have to look at that person and you have to scrutinize where they're coming from because that's not natural.
That's not a natural thing.
Why would you care?
They're gay, they're having fun.
What do you give a shit?
As long as he doesn't try to fuck you, you shouldn't have a problem with him.
There's a bunch of gay people.
They find the other gay people.
They have a good party together.
Who cares?
Why do you care?
It doesn't make sense if you care.
But if you do care and you're out there fighting it, man...
Yeah, there's another senator that got busted watching porn in Congress.
That's hilarious.
Yeah, there's too many fucking people out there telling other people how to live their lives.
It's ridiculous, and we shouldn't tolerate it anymore.
You know, at a certain point in time, we have to say, fuck you.
That's enough.
You know, it's too crazy.
And every one of them that are telling people what to do with their lives and what they shouldn't be doing, it doesn't hurt them.
Every one of them are fucked up across the board, whether they're Muslims that want to throw rocks at you for drawing pictures of Muhammad or dancing or whatever the fuck it is, whether it's Catholics, no matter anybody that's trying to suppress your behavior, they're all fucked up.
If you're not hurting anybody else, you're fine.
Nobody's got this thing wired.
Nobody.
Nobody is in control of the fucking oil.
Nobody knows what's happening.
The oil's pouring out of the ground.
40,000 fucking gallons a day, Brian, at least.
Who knows?
There's no answers, folks.
And that's important because if we're ever going to get past where we are now, we have to realize that we can't leave the control to someone who we think is more qualified than us and someone who's on it, like Obama or the idea of Obama or any guy being president and being on it.
You can't be on the world.
You can't be on the country.
It's impossible.
Nobody can.
And we have to accept that.
And until we do, we're going to fucking hurdle out of control.
I think we're slowly starting to realize how full of shit people are.
We're slowly starting to, as we get more and more intrusive into people's lives, we're exposing another level of understanding of human beings and busting politicians and busting...
Well, you know, that guy was a guy that was very vocal about the market, about the market being all fucked up and corrupt and talking about all these companies.
And he believes that that's one of the reasons why they went after him.
And that's one of the reasons why they persecuted him.
Meanwhile, the guy was busting people for prostitution and he was using prostitutes.
That was another example.
He was a guy that was all adamant against, we're going to stop prostitution.
Oh, what a good thing to stop.
Stop people getting their dick sucked.
Why would you do that?
Why do you give a shit?
You're going to really put so much effort into that?
Well, it turns out the reason why he was doing it was because he was covering up the fact that he was using them.
He is no different than all these crazy gay activists that are secretly gay.
And then anyone who's trying to suppress anybody else's desires or needs and they're trying to suppress them in a way that has nothing to do with them.
As far as UFC predictions, people keep asking me UFC predictions.
I never give UFC predictions, because who the fuck knows what's going to happen.
They're super exciting fights.
The main event, of course, is spectacular.
Lyoto Machida versus Mauricio Shogun Hua.
Very, very interesting fight.
You know, a lot of people thought that Mauricio won the first fight, but if he did win it, you know, he didn't kill him.
He didn't really...
You know, he didn't stop him.
He never really hurt him badly.
He never really had a real dominant moment in the fight.
He just edged him.
A lot of people felt like he edged him.
And a very exciting fight.
And I think that, you know, Lyoto is going to have a completely different strategy most likely for this fight.
Very excited to see that.
He's a very strategic dude.
And I think also he's going to be, both guys are going to be more prepared.
They're going to know what the other is capable of.
They're going to review the first fight and go over mistakes and go over when they landed and go over maybe tendencies that each might have that maybe they can exploit.
So I think the second fight is going to start out a chess match.
Both guys are going to be doing things that they think are going to benefit them in this fight that maybe they didn't do in the first fight.
Maybe we'll find guys who might start off the fight a little bit more cautious.
That could be interesting.
See if maybe Shogun plays the role of a counter-striker initially.
Or maybe they just get to it like it's round six.
Maybe they just fucking go at each other.
That's very possible too.
Maybe that even more so because of the controversy involving some of the fights lately where guys haven't been exciting, like the Anderson Silva fight where he kind of slacked off over the last two rounds, and people even criticizing Jose Aldo for his last round of his fight.
So if that's the case, if they're affected by that stuff, maybe they might come out and try to prove a point.
I don't think that's going to happen because too much is at stake, and both guys are too dangerous.
They're both two of the most dangerous and explosive guys.
In that light heavyweight division and anything can happen.
He combines the good things of karate with Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu and wrestling and boxing.
There's a lot of good stuff in karate.
The ability to leap in and leap out.
The way they fight, their footwork is different than Muay Thai guys.
Muay Thai guys are light on their feet, but they wade in and get close to each other and attack.
They check kicks and attack.
The karate guys, it's almost like fencing.
They explode in and explode out.
And if you're not used to fighting Machida, he's super hard to deal with because that explosion just fucking throws you off.
I mean, he leans way back and he dives in and he's super accurate with things.
And if he catches you with one of those, he could fuck you up.
And if he starts lighting you up, like pot-shotting you from a distance, you're in trouble.
That's what happened to Rashad Evans.
He started just lighting him up.
He started laying back, bang!
And he comes in and blasts him.
And then once he does it a couple of times, that's all he needs to do.
He only needs to hit you A couple clean times before you're like a little bewildered.
And he's so good at that.
He did that to Sokuju.
You know, he did that to Thiago Silva.
Stopped him at the end of the first round.
He's a fucking killer, man.
He's a killer.
And he's gonna be trying to do that even more on Shogun than in the first fight.
He's gonna be more fired up, more motivated.
I think he's gonna be even better.
And then Shogun, he's going to be super confident because he feels like he won that first fight.
He feels like he got robbed of the decision.
So he's going to be confident and he's going to be fucking coming in guns blazing and Lyoto's going to be confident and Lyoto's going to be more motivated, better strategy.
Well, that's the problem with the thing they call the McDojos.
The McDojos.
The McDojo syndrome is that when martial arts became popular in America, I guess in the 60s or whatever, When people started watching Bruce Lee movies in the 70s and shit.
What happened was people got real into karate and karate became a business.
They opened up karate schools all over the world.
People wanted to learn how to kick people's asses.
Then it became some bullshit mysticism thing and a lot of bowing.
They're very cult-like, man.
If you've never been to karate schools or a lot of martial arts schools, my Taekwondo school was very cult-like.
They're like, the sensei can do no wrong and everything is, yes sir, yes sir.
It's like they're never even and equal with you.
Which is one of the beautiful things about Jiu Jitsu.
Jiu Jitsu is totally the opposite.
Your instructor is just like you.
He's super cool and just like you.
You don't have to call him.
I mean, if you do call him sir, it's out of respect, but he's going to probably say, sir, I'm your brother, my friend.
Why don't you call me sir?
You know, Jean-Jean Gocciotto would laugh if you called him sir.
He's just a friendly, cool guy that knows something that you don't know, and he's going to show it to you.
But they said, like, I have two words for you, like, unmanned drone.
Like, what?
What are you saying, Mr. President?
You're joking around that if one of these boys, who, by the way, are, like, the most wishy-washy, Christian, non-offensive, non-dangerous, they have fucking these...
He's talking about things that kill innocent people every day.
They use that thing in Pakistan, and those things, they launch them into these fucking villages and launch them to these mountainsides, and people get jacked left and right.
These weird things that happen in Pakistan that are, I don't know, who approves them or how exactly they work where they have these drones that fire these missiles at these people that we don't like.
And all sorts of other people die.
That's not something I would joke about if I was the President of the United States.
There's something very serious about being a person who's responsible, at least indirectly, for many, many people dying because of these fucking drones.
Many people crying.
Many families devastated.
Many people lost their children.
Many people lost their loved ones.
Gone forever.
But because it's taking place in Pakistan, doesn't freak you out?
What if he's involved in drone attacks in Ohio?
What if kids you went to high school with got fucking killed, they got their legs blown off because Obama is using drones to target Al-Qaeda in Ohio?
I think to make a joke like that in the middle of two wars that people don't approve and all these things that are happening in Pakistan with Unmanned drones.
I don't think you should be making jokes like that.
He said that the reason why he got fired and not Leno, because his payout, or Leno's payout was more, or something like that, but they were like, NBC's like, that's a lie.
But what I find odd, though, is that I checked ratings the other day.
Jay Leno's ratings and Conan's ratings are almost exactly the same as they were if you were going from year to year from last year to this year or whatever.
Exactly the same.
So there's no money.
There's no, like, Leno's number one making $50 million extra a month.
Well, you already fingered the shit out of that one, you fucking weirdo.
Definitely send me some Twitter messages.
Tell me what you think.
If you think that it's ridiculous to think that I should not accept a sponsorship because somehow or another it's going to hurt my career, I think it's ridiculous.
At the end of the show, I go like that and it goes down.
Oh, man.
Fucking crazy, man.
I got that shit at Z Gallery, yo.
So that's our show, ladies and gentlemen.
We will see you next week, Tuesday, as always.
You know how we rock it.
Basically the same every week.
And this thing is slowly but surely getting more and more complicated, but more professional, smoother.
The sound for the iTunes version is going to be way, way, way better now with these professional microphones and the high-end MP3 player and all that jazz.
The video should be better now as well.
And eventually, like I said, we're going to have that.
And next week, we're also going to have HD cameras.
So we'll have two cameras to choose from so we can switch back and forth and just get crazy.
And eventually, we're going to have this thing set up like a real studio.
There's another couch chair over here.
We'll have it lit up better too because right now it's lit kind of funky.