April 13, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:02:08
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| Ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| Set this up. | ||
| Sorry for the late start. | ||
| We were all fucked up. | ||
| We weren't all fucked up, but the cam was all fucked up. | ||
| We had a problem with the webcam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we're back, bitches. | |
| Hi. | ||
| How's everybody doing? | ||
| I'm back from Abu motherfucking Davi, son. | ||
| That was very strange. | ||
| Scary at all? | ||
| Scary at all? | ||
| Yeah, it scared me, man. | ||
| I mean, it's real safe and it's real western over there, but the bottom line is that place is the first time we've ever done that. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you very much. | |
| First time you muted the live preview. | ||
| Yeah, so we don't hear ourselves. | ||
| We got over there and it's very strange. | ||
| First of all, we were at a place called Yaz Island, which is a man-made island, they said. | ||
| Which means they built an island. | ||
| Isn't it sinking? | ||
| Is that the one that's sinking? | ||
| No, that's the one in Dubai. | ||
| The one in Dubai that's sinking is the one that they have that's a model of the world. | ||
| If you ever wanted to know how much money is in oil, you've got to go to the Middle East. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| It's fucking staggering. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I didn't see a shitty car while I was there. | ||
| Everything was a fucking Mercedes. | ||
| It's a Mercedes, or I guess the cabs are kind of crappy, but it's all Ferraris and Lamborghinis and... | ||
| These fucking buildings, they built this island, okay? | ||
| And then they have this thing called Ferrari World, and that's where the UFC was, which is this crazy theme park they're building. | ||
| They're just building shit constantly. | ||
| Everywhere you go, they're building. | ||
| You know, like, all throughout, like, the city of Abu Dhabi. | ||
| It's all just skyscrapers and cranes and shit going on constantly. | ||
| And apparently Dubai is even crazier. | ||
| I didn't want to fuck around with Dubai, though. | ||
| I didn't even want to fly in there. | ||
| One of the options was we could fly into Dubai, and then from Dubai, we would take a car service that would take us... | ||
| It's like an hour and a half drive to Yaz Island. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| I don't want to land in Dubai, man. | ||
| I keep hearing crazy shit about Dubai. | ||
| I hear crazy shit about people who got arrested because there was some sort of a visa problem, so they drug test them. | ||
| They arrested this one woman for codeine. | ||
| She lives in the UK. She has a prescription for codeine because she's got a back problem. | ||
| She's got back injuries. | ||
| So they arrested her for this and put her in fucking jail because she had it in her system. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's another guy who was traveling there who had a speck of marijuana on the bottom of his shoe. | ||
| But if you look at the dude, the dude was like a Rasta. | ||
| He had dreadlocks and shit, and that does not fly. | ||
| Did you vacuum out your suitcase? | ||
| Oh my god, did I? I didn't smoke pot for a whole day before I went back. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| It was out of my head. | ||
| Yeah, that shit scares me. | ||
| There's no reason to be put into that, because I've heard too many horrors. | ||
| It's not a regular society. | ||
| I mean, it's run by kings. | ||
| And, you know, for the most part, they run it just like a Western democracy. | ||
| I mean, it's very clean and very safe, and cops are everywhere, and people are polite. | ||
| But the bottom line is, you don't have the same sort of rights that you have in America. | ||
| You know, we always want to talk about our dwindling rights. | ||
| And our rights are certainly dwindling. | ||
| But they're still way better than what you get over in Dubai. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| In Dubai, you don't get shit. | ||
| This couple was making out on the beach. | ||
| Now they're in jail. | ||
| That's fucking... | ||
| They were making out, and then they said, you can't do that. | ||
| We're going to put you in jail. | ||
| So they don't have a problem with, like, you know, like the ring card girls wearing... | ||
| I was wondering, because I didn't talk to anybody before. | ||
| I'm like, what are they going to wear? | ||
| Are these chicks going to wear, like, dresses? | ||
| Like, how weird would that be if they had to wear, like... | ||
| That would have been awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It would have been awesome. | |
| Yeah, they gave me the headdress thing, the... | ||
| The traditional garb. | ||
| And there's a guy who does my job for the Arab world. | ||
| Very nice guy. | ||
| His name is Muhammad and they call him Muhammad Rogan. | ||
| His name is Muhammad, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they call him Muhammad Rogan. | ||
| And it's hilarious. | ||
| He does the whole outfit when he does his broadcast. | ||
| He does this traditional Arab wear that they all wear. | ||
| It's like a white outfit with a black thing around your head and then a white headdress. | ||
| I don't know what it's called. | ||
| But everyone wears it there. | ||
| Did it smell okay over there? | ||
| It smelled great. | ||
| Dude, they're a bunch of rich people with crazy money and weird outfits. | ||
| And I kind of like the outfit for a certain... | ||
| This is what I liked about the outfit. | ||
| I like it because you can't... | ||
| I mean, I guess you can wear a big watch or something like that. | ||
| But stylistically, everyone looks the same. | ||
| And there's something about that. | ||
| Something about that is dumb. | ||
| It's like you should be able to dress and look however you want. | ||
| But something about that is kind of cool. | ||
| Because it's like... | ||
| Is it really fucking important what you wear? | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's in your head. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| And all this style and how you want to be portrayed. | ||
| Have you ever seen a dude who wants to be thought of as a writer? | ||
| You know, wants to be thought of as an intellectual. | ||
| So he's wearing a pea jacket. | ||
| With an elbow, leather elbows. | ||
| Jack Kerouac. | ||
| Yeah, or that. | ||
| There's a certain amount of pretense that comes with what you wear. | ||
| You know, that's unavoidable. | ||
| You know, I dress like I'm fucking 20 years old. | ||
| I mean, I'm 42 fucking years old. | ||
| I still dress exactly the same I did when I was 20. If you look at my wardrobe when I was 20, and now the only difference is I have more clothes now. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And I have a lot of tap-out shit. | ||
| But other than that, I fucking dress the same. | ||
| There's something about wearing that outfit that they're all in unity, too. | ||
| It's like they all recognize, like we're all in this together. | ||
| Like we all have the same outfit on. | ||
| I mean part of it is like it's got to be bad for like creativity and individuality and stuff like that because one of the reasons why people in America are so creative is because if you want to you could put a lip ring in and fucking shave half your head and paint the other half purple and tattoo your face. | ||
| You can do whatever the fuck you want over here and something about that is good for creativity. | ||
| To the point I understand but also I've had jobs where I've had to have a uniform in with so much better Having a uniform or wearing the same as everybody else instead of having to pick out a different tie every day and wear a shirt every day for work. | ||
| Yeah, that is true. | ||
| But if you had to choose when you're working between having a uniform and not having a uniform, you're always going to say no. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| That's what I was just saying. | ||
| I think I like having a uniform at work. | ||
| But that's because you have to dress up. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Like a real job. | ||
| I'm talking about real jobs. | ||
| In the real world. | ||
| In the real world. | ||
| We live in the fake world. | ||
| That is a nutty thing, though, about the world. | ||
| Is that the world is so... | ||
| It's so goddamn rigid in what you're supposed to wear and how you're supposed to behave and how you're supposed to dress. | ||
| It's like, Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| That's the best way they have of controlling people, really. | ||
| It's to make sure that you're always going to wear suits and ties when you go to work and that you can't get into this place because you have a hat on. | ||
| I hate the hat on thing. | ||
| Oh, it's so silly. | ||
| I mean, because I can understand where you're in some parts where you're like, oh, that guy might get mad at the other guy because they're in a different gang or something. | ||
| Remember when we were in Gotham? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They wanted me to take off my hat and I was with you at a comedy club. | ||
| Yeah, and he works for me. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| It was... | ||
| We were at, where the fuck was it? | ||
| Well, that's the most ridiculous one. | ||
| Strip clubs are another ridiculous one. | ||
| That happens too. | ||
| If you go to a strip club, they tell you to take your hat off. | ||
| Or they tell you to turn it around. | ||
| That's my other favorite. | ||
| If you're wearing it like I'm wearing it, sometimes they say, can you please turn your hat around, sir? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because like, oh, now you got me. | ||
| Now I'm going to be normal. | ||
| One of the funniest things ever, and this is a 100% true story, my ex-fiance and me went to a bar once, and we drove all the way to Oxnard or something like that, And we get there. | ||
| It was our friend's birthday. | ||
| And they're like, sorry sir, you can't come in. | ||
| You don't have a collar on your shirt. | ||
| And I'm like wearing a t-shirt. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| We drove, you know, an hour and a half to get here for our friend's birthday. | ||
| And you say I can't come in? | ||
| And it was like all the stores around it were closed because it was Oxnard at 9 p.m. | ||
| So I went to my car to try to find a shirt and the only thing I could find is my ex-fiancee's shirt. | ||
| And it was like a small little tiny collared shirt that she wore for work. | ||
| So I was like fat man putting on this shirt. | ||
| It wouldn't even fit. | ||
| It looked like that old Chris Farley like fat man in a jacket thing. | ||
| I couldn't button it up. | ||
| And it had a collar, so I put the collar up, and I seriously walked up to the door like this, and I'm like, hi, collar shirt, can I come in? | ||
| And they're like, yeah, I guess so. | ||
| And they let me in. | ||
| So instead of wearing just a gray t-shirt, I now look like a fucking freak walking around the bar going, hey, can I get a Bud Light and stuff? | ||
| What is the collared shirt about, man? | ||
| True story. | ||
| What the fuck is that about? | ||
| Why is a collar better than no collar? | ||
| I don't know, especially wouldn't you just be like, all right, you know what, just take off that. | ||
| Just go in, you know, whatever. | ||
| So ridiculous. | ||
| The thing about the Middle East is that you don't have to wear that outfit. | ||
| When they gave me the headdress, they gave me one when I got there, I was like, okay, do I wear this when I'm here? | ||
| That would be hilarious if we did it like that. | ||
| Me and Mike both wore it, but no, nobody had to wear it. | ||
| But, you know, there's people who wear it and some people don't. | ||
| But a lot of people do. | ||
| When you go to the mall, it's like, I'd say like 30 or 40% of the people are wearing it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| So like, do they look down on people that don't wear it? | ||
| Don't know. | ||
| Like, do you get more trouble if you wear normal clothes? | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Yeah, maybe, right? | ||
| Or maybe you get in more trouble if you wear that shit because you're... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Fucking up the whole scene. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Blowing the curve, man. | ||
| I think it would be great because it would feel like you're wearing pajamas everywhere. | ||
| You could just be naked underneath it. | ||
| It probably has something to do with the heat, you know, because it's a really light thing and it doesn't stick to you. | ||
| And, you know, I don't know. | ||
| I guess they're probably naked under it if you wanted to be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It would be awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you wanted to be naked under that, that would actually be pretty dope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Probably perfect for that kind of weather. | ||
| Fuck yeah, flabbing around, ball sweat, hitting your shoe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, it's hot as fuck over there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I don't even think we're in the summer, but there's, first of all, billions of mosquitoes there. | ||
| We got lucky and we didn't get hit, but they said you can get fucked up. | ||
| Like a swarm of them will swarm on you and you'll get like a thousand bites all over you. | ||
| There was wasps that were flying around the cage that were like that big. | ||
| I was freaking out. | ||
| Because it makes you realize, oh yeah, we're in the fucking Middle East. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| We're like east of Africa. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Did you see camels and shit everywhere? | ||
| I didn't see camels, but some guys went and rode on camels and shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The next Sex and the City takes place there, by the way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those dirty bitches to go over there to get some dick. | ||
| Apparently there's a tremendous amount of hookers in Dubai. | ||
| Dubai is like hooker central. | ||
| There's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hookers. | ||
| You go into bars and clubs. | ||
| They don't have clubs unless the clubs are attached to a hotel. | ||
| So you go in the club that's attached to a hotel and you get swarmed by Russian hookers. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because there's so many rich dudes over there. | ||
| And that's what it's all about. | ||
| It's about rich dudes doing business and they feed off them and suck their cock and milk money out of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And, you know, get some cash. | ||
| We were at the Comedy Store the other day and this really hot chick was all over my friend Jason. | ||
| Teeth? | ||
| Yeah, teeth. | ||
| And everyone was like, damn, she likes him, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And then finally, he's like groping her and stuff, and he must have said something to her. | ||
| Because at the end, she goes, you have to pay to play. | ||
| And he goes, what? | ||
| And then she goes, what? | ||
| And then she goes, all right, never mind, and walks away. | ||
| And then this is like a half hour of pre-sale that she did to him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And no one saw it coming. | ||
| It's like, wow, this is cool. | ||
| How much money? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think he just winked. | ||
| What? | ||
| I can't afford cigarettes. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that over in the Middle East, though. | ||
| That shit runs rampant. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| There's so many dudes with money. | ||
| The biggest building in the world is in Dubai. | ||
| It's a half a mile high. | ||
| Is that the one that has the golf thing on the top? | ||
| No, that's another one, I think. | ||
| I don't think that's the same one, but there is one. | ||
| It's a tennis courts. | ||
| I heard the architecture out there is just amazing. | ||
| Off the chain. | ||
| They have so much money. | ||
| They have more money than you could possibly imagine. | ||
| But apparently, it's all dried up. | ||
| Apparently, it's crazy now that so many people owe money over there. | ||
| And if you go broke over there, you don't go to court and file for bankruptcy. | ||
| No, you go to fucking jail. | ||
| They put your ass in a cage. | ||
| They put you in what's called debtor's prison. | ||
| And debtor's prison is something you really want to avoid. | ||
| So when people are going into the hole, they just drive their fucking Ferraris to the airport and gone. | ||
| So this Ferrari is abandoned at the airport like every day. | ||
| People are constantly abandoning luxury cars, leaving their houses. | ||
| They show up to collect money and there's no one there and they're gone. | ||
| They moved to Africa or something. | ||
| It's fucking nutty, man. | ||
| But they have nutty shit like an indoor ski facility. | ||
| You can go skiing indoors. | ||
| That's badass. | ||
| I've seen those before. | ||
| Apparently, you have to see it to believe how big it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| It's actually like... | ||
| There's a picture of it. | ||
| Somebody could probably Google it, where it's just like a huge slope. | ||
| It's like a diamond all the way down. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I think you can go surfing indoors, too, somewhere there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where'd you go? | ||
| Are you still in a picture? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, so anyway, that was what the Middle East was like. | ||
| People were very friendly over there. | ||
| Food was fantastic. | ||
| The hotel's top-notch. | ||
| There was only... | ||
| Well, I guess there were some people that were there that weren't there for the fights, but not... | ||
| It wasn't crowded. | ||
| Was alcohol illegal out there? | ||
| Alcohol, you can't go to bars, but they have bars at your hotel. | ||
| But that's the only place they have bars, is in hotels. | ||
| I think that's the law. | ||
| You cannot have a bar, but you can have a bar inside of a hotel for, I guess, for Westerners. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But they have like, you know, it's regular, the food was great, the beer was great, it's like regular beers. | ||
| Did everything taste okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like the Coca-Cola tastes like Coca-Cola and everything? | |
| It has Arab writing on it. | ||
| Oh, that's weird. | ||
| You should have taken some of that. | ||
| For what? | ||
| Look, it's different. | ||
| For your scrapbook. | ||
| Fuck my scrapbook. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| What are you, 12? | ||
| So the arena was outside though, right? | ||
| There was no roof to that? | ||
| I didn't even know that. | ||
| The arena was outside and that was an interesting part of it too because the first fight was John... | ||
| God damn it, I forgot his last name. | ||
| He fought for the ultimate fighter, anyway, and Mustafa al-Turk. | ||
| And the first fight, these guys were so fucking slippery. | ||
| They were punching, and as they were punching, sweat was flying off them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because they were the first guys to fight, and so they were fighting, like, basically in the sunlight. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it was, you know, fucking 100 degrees outside. | ||
| And humid. | ||
| Damn, that had to affect their fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, for sure. | |
| Yeah, they paced themselves, you know, and they got through it, but... | ||
| John Madsen. | ||
| Thank you very much, sir. | ||
| And John Madsen and Mustafa Al-Turk was the fight. | ||
| And they were so sweaty. | ||
| And every time they threw a punch, sweat was fucking flying off them. | ||
| Literally like they threw water. | ||
| Like they were throwing cups of water at each other. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| So that's the reason why the guy who fought Silva wanted to lay down the whole time. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's why you just sat there like this. | ||
| We've got to talk about that. | ||
| That's a very controversial fight. | ||
| I re-watched the fights last night. | ||
| I re-watched BJ Penn, Frankie Edgar, and I re-watched Anderson Silva and Damien Maia. | ||
| And the Frankie Edgar-BJ Penn fight, a lot of controversy on that fight. | ||
| One of them is because Doug Crosby, who's a judge, who's a friend of mine, I like him, He scored it 45 to 50, meaning he gave every single round to Frankie Edgar. | ||
| Wow, see, now I thought it was way closer than that. | ||
| It was way closer than that. | ||
| I watched it again last night. | ||
| In person, I was like, man, I don't know. | ||
| When I saw it in person, I was like, look, the kid did... | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| He definitely did better than anybody expected. | ||
| But the thing is, when you're doing commentary for fights, basically I'm just kind of explaining what's happening, and I'm sort of keeping a tally in my head. | ||
| But what I'm concentrating on the most is explaining things, Being entertaining, trying to do good commentary. | ||
| Scoring is done silently. | ||
| Correct scoring is done silently because you're contemplating what's more valuable. | ||
| A lot of it is subjective, but you have to contemplate. | ||
| A guy throws a punch and the other guy counters with a leg kick. | ||
| Which one was harder? | ||
| Who do you give it to? | ||
| Some people give the punch to it. | ||
| Some people give the leg kick. | ||
| And in that case, I could see how it would be closer than I thought it was when I watched it last night. | ||
| But when I watched it last night, I thought it was Three rounds to two for BJ Penn. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| I think there's been closer ones before. | ||
| To me, I could have taken either way. | ||
| Either way, it wasn't ridiculous to me that he won. | ||
| But 45 to 50 was ridiculous. | ||
| And the reason why I say it wasn't as ridiculous is because when I was calculating, when I was watching it, like in the first round, he lands a really nice leg kick at one point. | ||
| And then BJ hits him with a punch. | ||
| And BJ hit him with a couple other punches during the takedowns. | ||
| And he hit B.J. with a few punches and one of them cut him. | ||
| So that probably affected people because B.J. had like a little mark under his face. | ||
| So sometimes judges look at that and they go, yeah, he got the best of that round just because of a little cut. | ||
| Sometimes that affects him. | ||
| So, you know, it's so subjective, man. | ||
| But then the second round, I was like... | ||
| BJ's landing more punches. | ||
| They're like landing more. | ||
| Frankie's throwing more. | ||
| He's moving more. | ||
| He's making BJ fight his fight. | ||
| He's definitely making BJ chase him. | ||
| So you gotta take that into account. | ||
| Like, who's doing better there? | ||
| Who's got better ring generalship or control of the octagon? | ||
| Well, BJ's the one forcing the fight. | ||
| He's chasing after him. | ||
| But Frankie is really avoiding too much damage. | ||
| But I think the cleaner shots were landed by BJ. And then as it got into the later rounds, then it seemed like Frankie... | ||
| The only round that was really clear to me was the fourth or the fifth round rather. | ||
| The fifth round was clear. | ||
| That was all Edgar. | ||
| He took him down. | ||
| He landed some real good shots. | ||
| It was a good round. | ||
| It seemed like a round for him where BJ was fading. | ||
| Every other round but the fifth was like, man, who fucking knows? | ||
| Well, it's kind of like if you see a fight at a cafeteria, you're not talking about the first five minutes of a fight. | ||
| You're talking about what the end of the fight is. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Who's dominating at the end of the fight. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| A lot of people feel like fights should be scored that way. | ||
| That they're different than any other sport. | ||
| And that the end really is what matters because they've been imposing their will on each other. | ||
| And here's the end result. | ||
| The end result of 25 minutes of imposing their will was that Frankie Edgar was kicking BJ's ass. | ||
| He took him down. | ||
| He leg kicked him. | ||
| He was moving better. | ||
| And at the end, BJ chased after him at the very few final seconds. | ||
| But he knew that it was the final seconds. | ||
| I would love to hear... | ||
| BJ's not the type of guy to make excuses. | ||
| Other people would tell you... | ||
| Oh, that's true. | ||
| Vaseline. | ||
| Well, but that might have been true, though. | ||
| It could have been totally true. | ||
| Okay, let's be honest. | ||
| It was true. | ||
| It was true. | ||
| They rub it on the guy's face, and you see him rub it on the guy's chest, and rub it on the guy's back. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| I know you are. | ||
| But that's 100% illegal. | ||
| And I love Phil Nurse. | ||
| I think he's a great coach. | ||
| And I love GSP. I love the both of them. | ||
| But you can't do that. | ||
| I believe when they say that this fucking witch doctor guy tells him to do this thing, because he explained it to me. | ||
| He explained it to me this weekend. | ||
| It seems like... | ||
| Total malarkey. | ||
| It's like, you know, he's telling me there's three mines, there's a mine here, a mine here, and a mine here, and this pressure builds up in a chain and you have to release and you grab here and you press. | ||
| You know why that works? | ||
| It works if you believe it works. | ||
| That's why that works. | ||
| And there's a lot of shit like that. | ||
| Like, I know a dude who's a chiropractor slash healer. | ||
| And a lot of people swear by him. | ||
| And the reason why they swear by him is because if you believe that what he's doing is going to heal you, your body has an amazing ability to heal itself. | ||
| Negative and positive thinking and negative and positive beliefs about your life are, without a doubt, Self-fulfilling prophecies. | ||
| You can decide that your life is awesome and your life becomes awesome. | ||
| You can decide that your life sucks. | ||
| You can decide that you're healing and you heal. | ||
| You can decide that you're not in pain and you won't be in pain. | ||
| And you can make pain happen. | ||
| Especially when it comes to back shit. | ||
| There's real injuries and people get car accidents and fucking jujitsu. | ||
| You get your neck cranked. | ||
| But there's also people that It's a placebo. | ||
| So, anyway, I would like to talk to BJ and find out, was he in shape? | ||
| Because he didn't look as good as he usually looks. | ||
| I mean, he didn't look fat, but he didn't look as hard as he looked in the Sanchez fight. | ||
| In the Sanchez fight, he looked sculpted. | ||
| In this fight, he had a little bit of a belly, like a little bit of fat on his waist. | ||
| So maybe he had an injury. | ||
| Because he also didn't sit down in his stool in between rounds, which I thought was unusual. | ||
| Was it him that had the thing on his leg? | ||
| He had a knee sleeve on, and he didn't sit down in between rounds. | ||
| In between rounds, he stood up, and he put his leg up on the stool. | ||
| And they said that to him at one point in time. | ||
| BJ, put your leg up. | ||
| Put your leg up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| But I don't know what that means. | ||
| It could be a cramp. | ||
| It could be nothing. | ||
| It could be, you know... | ||
| Dude, it's that humid, and you just got done fighting. | ||
| You're going to want to sit down if you can't. | ||
| Yeah, I would think so. | ||
| I would think so. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| But see, he hasn't said a word about it, so I don't know. | ||
| So I think I could easily see how someone could give that fight to Frankie Edgar. | ||
| It totally makes sense to me. | ||
| And I said, when I saw it live, I was like, man, I don't know. | ||
| Either way. | ||
| By the end of the fight, Edgar was winning the fight. | ||
| And like you said, that should count more. | ||
| That's the way Pride scores it. | ||
| The way Pride used to do it. | ||
| They counted the fight as one whole thing. | ||
| That's how it should be. | ||
| That's how I think it is. | ||
| I totally agree with you. | ||
| I think fights are not like any other sport. | ||
| There was a fight between Ryo Chonin and Brad Blackburn once. | ||
| Brad Blackburn was kicking Ryo Chonin's ass for two rounds. | ||
| And then in the third and final round, Rio Chonin came on strong, and he battered Blackburn, just beat the fuck out of him. | ||
| Like, really, like, went after him and broke his nose and, like, had him running from him. | ||
| Total domination in the third round. | ||
| So there was so much difference between The first two rounds, which were pretty close, but Blackburn was winning. | ||
| Blackburn was getting his shots in. | ||
| But Chonen keep coming forward, but Blackburn was kicking his ass. | ||
| But then the third, Rio Chonen just turned it on. | ||
| But Rio lost the fight. | ||
| He lost the decision because Blackburn won the first two rounds. | ||
| And I said that's the clearest example to me of how someone won the fight. | ||
| But lost the fight at the same time. | ||
| He won a decision. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But he lost the fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, if it was a fight, that guy lost the fight. | ||
| Yeah, what's crazy about, imagine two guys fighting, and at the last second, the guy hits a guy, but knocks him out right when the bell hits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| And the other guy won, because he was doing the rest of the fight better, you know? | ||
| But, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, what if that were to happen? | ||
| Well, if God knocks him out, he knocks him out. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Right at the bell, though. | ||
| Like, ding! | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Guy knocks out. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Oh, like after the bell? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Well, you would say that the guy dropped his guard because he heard the bell. | ||
| No, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If it was like full for that bang, like ding, bonk, you know? | |
| I think as long as he was already committed to the punch before the bell rang, it wouldn't be a problem. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| That's like some crazy last second buzzer shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No, see, because it, because Leota Bechida did that. | ||
| He knocked out Tiago Silva at the bell. | ||
| Like, at the buzzer. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And he put him out. | ||
| It was like during the horn, I think, going off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Or very close. | ||
| Very close. | ||
| Within, like, a second. | ||
| Why don't, so, has there been any talk about taking the pride rules? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's so hard to reason with the people that are involved in sanctioning. | ||
| It's so hard to get things sanctioned. | ||
| And the thing I've said before, people complain about elbows. | ||
| Like this elbow, which is what they call the 12 to 6 elbow coming straight down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The only reason why that was made illegal was because Big John McCarthy, this came straight from his mouth, when he was educating the commission and they were trying to legislate mixed martial arts, the people in these athletic commissions were worried that downward elbows on ESPN at 2 o'clock in the morning can break bricks. | ||
| You know, there's fucking karate demonstrations. | ||
| So they're like, well, we can't have that because you can hit someone and kill them. | ||
| Okay, so you can't do that. | ||
| But you can still do this, which is more powerful. | ||
| I think this is less powerful than this. | ||
| This right here seems to get more weight into it. | ||
| It's a more natural motion. | ||
| This is pretty strong, but I don't think it's as good as this. | ||
| It's like hitting someone on the head like that is not as strong as hitting someone like that. | ||
| Like when you turn your body into something, you have more power. | ||
| And I think that makes more sense that this elbow, like the elbow that Jon Jones Broke Brandon Vera's eye socket with. | ||
| That's that elbow. | ||
| That's a legal elbow. | ||
| But it's like powerful as fuck. | ||
| Why is the other one illegal and this one's legal? | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| I kind of get it though, because there's a big reason why the UFC used to be on a VHS tape with Faces of Death in my collection. | ||
| That used to be shocking, almost disturbing. | ||
| Like, oh, I don't want to watch! | ||
| Because it was like, this guy could die. | ||
| No, I definitely agree that there should be rules. | ||
| And I definitely agree that there should be sanctioning. | ||
| It should be rational shit. | ||
| I don't think you should soccer kick people on the ground. | ||
| But I do think that if a guy's on his back, he should be able to kick you in the face. | ||
| If you're on your knees, so what? | ||
| He should still be able to kick you in the face. | ||
| You're punching him in the face. | ||
| Why can't he kick you? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| If you're on one knee, you can blast someone in the face with a punch. | ||
| Why can't he kick you in the face? | ||
| You're trying to hit him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, you can't move as good? | ||
| Well, don't be there then. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You're taking away an important weapon for the guy in the bottom. | ||
| You should be able to upkick the fuck out of someone when they're on their knees. | ||
| If that guy's trying to punch you in the face and you're lying on your back, it's not like your weight is on top of him, like you're stomping him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You're kicking from your back at him. | ||
| You should be able to kick his fucking head like a soccer ball. | ||
| When you're lying on your back and a guy's on his knees on top of you trying to punch you, you should be able to kick the fuck out of him. | ||
| And it should be much more, put yourself in much more jeopardy. | ||
| You're in much more danger when you're on top of a guy then. | ||
| And that's how it should be. | ||
| Because that's how it is in real life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's how it should be. | ||
| It shouldn't be this unrealistic thing where the guy has to be standing up over you for you to kick him in the face. | ||
| No. | ||
| It should be, you can kick him as long as you're on the bottom. | ||
| As you're on the bottom, you can kick him. | ||
| And if you're on the top, you can kick everything except his head. | ||
| And that's what it is. | ||
| You can kick a guy in the body when he's on the ground. | ||
| You know, you can kick a guy in the legs. | ||
| You can kick a downed opponent. | ||
| So a downed opponent should be able to kick you. | ||
| Anywhere. | ||
| Anywhere he wants that's legal. | ||
| There's a lot of rules that need to be changed, though. | ||
| Like, Gracie's never tapped. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That last Gracie fight. | ||
| That fight. | ||
| He wasn't going to tap. | ||
| That's one of those fights, though, that I was like, alright, there should be just a cut. | ||
| Alright, fight's over. | ||
| Because there were so many times where I'm like, why is this guy even bothering me? | ||
| Let's finish with the Frankie Edgar fight before we talk about that fight, though. | ||
| Because I think... | ||
| Like I said, scoring is a very subjective thing. | ||
| You could say that Frankie Edgar outworked him because he threw more punches and he landed leg kicks. | ||
| BJ didn't land that many leg kicks. | ||
| Frankie definitely landed more leg kicks. | ||
| He mixed it up more, had takedown attempts. | ||
| So I could definitely see him winning the fight. | ||
| I could see it being an argument. | ||
| Because no one can say that their opinion, when something's that close, you can't really say that your opinion's right or wrong. | ||
| But the fifth round, he won. | ||
| He won the fifth round. | ||
| I don't see how anybody could argue that he didn't. | ||
| But Douglas Crosby, man, 50 to 45. That makes no sense. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| He must have been drunk. | ||
| That's why the refereeing should be done by 100 people. | ||
| Yes, I think you're right. | ||
| I think three is too little. | ||
| And you know, here's another problem. | ||
| Maybe the refereeing should be done in some sort of an online thing where people, they get picked. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| They get picked. | ||
| They're like posters on message boards, guys who are big fans, guys who really, really understand the sport, and we do it electronically. | ||
| What's the thing that's... | ||
| It measures TV ratings and stuff. | ||
| A Neilson box? | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| You're automatically picked. | ||
| No, I think you should pick only a certain amount. | ||
| I don't think it should be like millions of people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| I don't mean millions. | ||
| Yeah, like a hundred. | ||
| It's like that though. | ||
| You're picked by a company. | ||
| It's an idea, but you know what? | ||
| The problem is they don't have to be there live to really... | ||
| Then there's that too. | ||
| There's that argument. | ||
| There's that live. | ||
| It's actually not as good. | ||
| No, you're not seeing the whole thing. | ||
| Angles and everything. | ||
| You're not seeing the whole angles and you don't get to see monitors. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like when you're live, like when I'm doing commentary, I've got two monitors to my right and one to my left. | ||
| So there's all sorts of angles. | ||
| Like sometimes we're looking at a fight and we're watching it live through the cage and right when some shit goes down, they'll move in front of a barrier or they'll move in front of one of the poles and I can't see shit for a second and then I have to turn to the monitor. | ||
| Or they're on the ground and from the angle where I'm at, all I see is one The side of a person's body. | ||
| Like, they're on the ground, but they're on the other side of the octagon. | ||
| I can't see it, so I have to look to the monitor. | ||
| The judges don't get that. | ||
| They don't get monitors. | ||
| So these guys are just watching the fight as it's happening from the angle that they get. | ||
| And, you know, I argued with the fucking athletic commission guy about it, and he's like, well, you know... | ||
| This is, you know, that's why we have three judges, so they all have different angles. | ||
| Well, no, because you're gonna get one guy who's gonna give a shitty angle. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You can't see it as well. | ||
| He's just guessing. | ||
| Give him fucking monitors. | ||
| They should have monitors. | ||
| They should have it like ER style, where the doctors are all above looking down at the fight. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Kind of like ER. Absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| But the problem is, even if above, what you would really have to do is be in there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And we can't have that. | ||
| No. | ||
| Above with monitors. | ||
| The cameras are better. | ||
| Really watching it. | ||
| Watching it live is better for the excitement. | ||
| Like, there's nothing that beats that excitement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's fucking nuts, you know? | ||
| And when you're there and, you know, fucking, you know, Randy Couture is stepping in to fight Brock Lesnar and the place is going bananas, you know, that's pretty intense, you know. | ||
| You can't recreate that at home. | ||
| At home it's fun, but when you're there live, you feel like you're a part of history. | ||
| Like you feel like you're a part of some wild-ass shit, you know. | ||
| When Shogun and Machida fight in Montreal in May, being in that arena, when those two guys step in there for the rematch, that's going to be everyone in the fucking place is going to have goosebumps. | ||
| That's going to be nuts, man. | ||
| Because they're going to know this is history, man. | ||
| These guys went at it for five fucking rounds. | ||
| Everybody thought Machida was totally untouchable. | ||
| And then most people thought Shogun won the decision. | ||
| And now they're going at it again. | ||
| And it's live and it's happening right now. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Watching at home is pretty dope. | ||
| You know, you get the commentary, you get the replays, you get all the information, but watching it live, there's some special crackle in the air. | ||
| Well, you're also front row in the middle. | ||
| Most of the time when I watch live, I watch the monitors. | ||
| Like, I watch it while they're standing up, but once it's down, I'm looking at the monitor. | ||
| Right, and you're from the floor. | ||
| You're, like, right there, too. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm only, like, a couple rows, you know, but still I'm watching the monitors. | ||
| Yeah, being right there is pretty dope. | ||
| To be able to look through the cage, it's almost worth keeping that UFC job just for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you ever get, like, blood splat right on your face? | ||
| Yeah, I got hit this weekend. | ||
| Oh, you did? | ||
| I got hit on my arm. | ||
| Yeah, one of the prelims. | ||
| You just lick it up a little? | ||
| I just sucked on it. | ||
| I made tea out of it. | ||
| I told him to get myself hot water. | ||
| Get in my DNA! It was pretty intense. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of blood in a couple of the fights. | ||
| That was in the Paul Kelly-Matt Veach fight. | ||
| Matt Veach had a horrible cut. | ||
| He had a couple of them and just splattered. | ||
| They were right in front of us and they were beating on each other and just the blood just went flying. | ||
| So that's my take on the controversy on the Frankie Edgar BJ Penn fight. | ||
| I think Frankie Edgar fought a hell of a fight. | ||
| It was a tremendous performance. | ||
| I was super impressed with him. | ||
| But I'm not exactly sure if I agree with the verdict. | ||
| I definitely don't agree with 50-45. | ||
| But I thought it was a very close fight. | ||
| And obviously I'm not a judge, so who the fuck am I to judge? | ||
| And I definitely could see an argument for Frankie winning it. | ||
| And like I said, he put on a tremendous fight. | ||
| I mean, really impressive. | ||
| And definitely won the last round. | ||
| So if you look at it in terms of, like we said, that's the way it should be. | ||
| The guy who wins the last round wins the fight. | ||
| I mean, they've... | ||
| They've imposed their will upon each other, and the end result is, after all this time, this guy's dominating the other guy. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Cafeteria rules. | ||
| There's another school of thought where you have to take the champion's title, which I don't really agree with. | ||
| I think the decision should be clear, but I think you go in neutral. | ||
| I think when a guy's a champion, you go in neutral. | ||
| You know, you both go in neutral, and if the champion, you know, if you win the decision, you're the new champion. | ||
| If he wins the decision, he's the new champion. | ||
| It doesn't have to be some crazy domination, you know, because that's what leads to, like, shitty decisions where a guy really does beat the champion, but he only edges him, and then he never gets the nod. | ||
| Those are frustrating as fuck, because you think, he did it, I think he did it. | ||
| The other problem with the Frankie Edgar fight, this was an interesting point, is that when you're watching a guy who you think is going to get his ass kicked... | ||
| A lot of people did. | ||
| A lot of people thought Frankie Edgar was going to get, you know, BJ Penn is the greatest lightweight of all time. | ||
| Frankie Edgar got beat by Gray Maynard. | ||
| They're like, there's no way this guy's going to beat him. | ||
| So people think that because he's doing well, he's winning. | ||
| Like, wow, he's doing better than I thought he was doing. | ||
| So they say, holy shit, he's beating him. | ||
| He's beating him. | ||
| But when you go back and you watch it, That's why it's so much pressure to be a champion. | ||
| So much pressure. | ||
| I'll never forget this. | ||
| When BJ Penn beat Matt Hughes, I interviewed Matt after the fight and Matt said that he was relieved. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was super honest. | ||
| He said, you don't know what it's like To be a champion, and everybody's always gunning after you, he goes, to be honest with you, I'm really relieved. | ||
| And I was really like, first of all, I was very impressed with his honesty. | ||
| You know, that's a very honest thing to say, you know. | ||
| When you just fought, and you're standing there covered in sweat, naked in front of the fucking whole world, you're like, I'm relieved, I just lost. | ||
| Now I can catch a breath, you know, relax. | ||
| And then he came back and won the title again. | ||
| You know, so I think he... | ||
| Learn from the experience, but I think it's a tremendous amount of pressure for guys to fight and defend the title, and to always worry about defending the title, especially in something like mixed martial arts. | ||
| I mean, it's probably a tremendous amount of pressure if you're a fucking basketball team, you know, defending their world championship, but a fighter, there's always guys coming up that are gunning for you, and every time you watch a UFC, there's some new murderer, Who's head kicking dudes into a fucking coma. | ||
| And he wants to do the same shit to you. | ||
| And he's talking shit about you. | ||
| Calling you a faggot and a bitch. | ||
| And like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| You know, these guys get... | ||
| That's why they're so goddamn sensitive. | ||
| Is that what's going on right now with Tito and Liddell, isn't it? | ||
| It seems like it. | ||
| It seems like they're fighting back and forth. | ||
| Tito is not fighting Chuck Liddell. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Not fighting Chuck Liddell. | ||
| Chuck Liddell is going to be fighting Rich Franklin. | ||
| And I can only say this because it's... | ||
| Officially been released. | ||
| It was on the UFC's website. | ||
| I can't say why. | ||
| They've been going back and forth on Twitter. | ||
| I've been noticing it. | ||
| It's kind of getting dirty. | ||
| It'll all come out what happened in time. | ||
| I can't talk about it though. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| So, anyway, that's that. | ||
| But, you know, when dudes are defending their title, I think there's a lot of emotions at stake. | ||
| And I think that's one of the things that people have to take into consideration with this Anderson Silva fight. | ||
| You know, Anderson Silva, everybody's angry at him. | ||
| And it was a very disappointing fight. | ||
| Especially because the first two rounds, he looked like fucking Bruce Lee. | ||
| I mean, it was like ridiculous shit. | ||
| That flying knee that he hit him with in the first round, you're like, Jesus Christ, he's just going to steamroll this guy. | ||
| He's just going to keep doing this until this guy just crumples. | ||
| He's just going to keep attacking at will, and he's breaking his dude's will. | ||
| It was totally humiliating. | ||
| But I think that the emotion of defending the title, the emotion and the pressure of being regarded as the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, I think that's an insane amount of pressure. | ||
| I think it's insane. | ||
| And I think when Damian Maia said shit to him, like, I'm going to take one of his arms home with me, you know, Henderson got fucking crazy. | ||
| So when he was in there after the first round, after he was kicking his ass, in the second round, he just started talking mad shit and yelling at him in Portuguese. | ||
| I wish I understood what the fuck he was saying. | ||
| That's not been translated yet? | ||
| Well, some people have given rough translations of it on the internet, but I don't know how you could possibly hear. | ||
| I watched the fight, and I turned the volume way up, It's so hard to discern what he's saying because there's no microphone on him. | ||
| He's not mic'd. | ||
| Headphones, man. | ||
| And the crowd is screaming and cheering and we're talking over him. | ||
| So me and Mike, we're talking like, what is he saying? | ||
| And he's going nuts, screaming and yelling at... | ||
| Even if he had headphones on, I think it would still be hard. | ||
| Screaming and yelling at Damien Maia and I guess he was calling him a spoiled, rich kid or something like that. | ||
| Like, just Damien Miles, like, comes from a better upbringing. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| Where's your jiu-jitsu now is another thing that people were speculating. | ||
| He was saying, like, where's your jiu-jitsu? | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Then kicks up. | ||
| Where's your jiu-jitsu? | ||
| See, I didn't have a problem with it. | ||
| I'm not on the boat that Dane is on and everyone else is on with it because I don't care about the respect thing. | ||
| To me, if he can play fucking air guitar in the ring, you're putting him up against somebody that shouldn't be there. | ||
| If you put him in with a Brock that's just attacking him where he doesn't have a chance to do all this fun shit in the ring, then that's different than that guy just going to his back every time because he wants to do jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I mean, if he doesn't want to do... | ||
| He was laying on his back. | ||
| He kept on going to his back. | ||
| To me, I was like... | ||
| Well, he only went to his back because he failed the takedown, and he has to do that. | ||
| He has to fall backwards because if he moves forwards, he's going to get punted. | ||
| When you shoot on a guy and you don't get the takedown... | ||
| What happens is, say you shoot on a guy, you try to get a hold of him, and he sprawls. | ||
| When a guy sprawls, he kicks his legs back. | ||
| When he kicks his legs back, you have to follow his legs with your legs to try to stay a hold of him. | ||
| But of course Anderson knew this was going to happen, and Anderson is so much more explosive and so much faster than him. | ||
| Like I've always said, I think he's in the Matrix. | ||
| I think he's just seeing this shit. | ||
| He can see something going on five seconds before it happens. | ||
| And I think, alright, you've got to get somebody that's in the Matrix also. | ||
| Okay, but how come he couldn't keep doing that? | ||
| Because he didn't do that in the fourth round. | ||
| In the fourth round, he got fucking whomped. | ||
| In the fourth or the fifth, he got hit with a big ass left hand. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because he stopped doing it because he heard all the people booing at him and probably Dynamite. | ||
| Got up and left or something crazy like that. | ||
| He probably was like, alright, I guess I have to get out of this matrix for a while and be somebody that I'm not. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| If you look how smooth and calm he was up to about the fourth one, then it seems like something happened between the third and the fourth. | ||
| He was yelled at or something, don't you think? | ||
| He got tired. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| He got tired. | ||
| We're outside. | ||
| It's super humid. | ||
| It's hot as fuck. | ||
| It's first time fighting outside. | ||
| He's gotten two rounds of clowning in. | ||
| I think all that energy that he expended, he could not keep up that kind of pace. | ||
| He was winning the fight based on sheer explosion. | ||
| And absolutely, totally avoiding any damage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Which is his style. | ||
| But then he got hit. | ||
| When he got hit in the third round, or the fourth round rather, I think it was the fourth or the fifth, he got hit with a big left hand. | ||
| I think he shut down. | ||
| I think he was like, fuck this. | ||
| I think he really decided, like, I can get hurt here. | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| He's tired. | ||
| So he just decided to keep moving. | ||
| I really do think that's what happened. | ||
| Because the fifth round, he didn't do jack shit. | ||
| There was one segment where he was standing over Maia and Maia was throwing bombs at him from his knees. | ||
| Maia was throwing punches from his knees. | ||
| And Maia was just trying to fucking kill him. | ||
| He just couldn't connect to them. | ||
| And in that kind of exchange, normally, Anderson just lights dudes up. | ||
| That kind of exchange, the guy's coming at him, attacking him, bombing him, and he doesn't counter? | ||
| Why isn't he countering? | ||
| He's tired. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| And I don't hear a lot of people saying this. | ||
| I think in the fourth and the fifth rounds, I think he was tired. | ||
| I think he was too tired to... | ||
| To fight at his normal pace, which is his explosion inside and outside, his speed that he uses. | ||
| He's lightning fast, man. | ||
| And when he dives in like that, he's so much faster than everybody else. | ||
| And that's one of the keys to his countering. | ||
| But when he got tired, he wasn't as fast anymore. | ||
| He just wasn't. | ||
| He lost a lot of esteem. | ||
| And I think he decided to just coast. | ||
| He was like, fuck it. | ||
| I won this fight. | ||
| I'm just gonna coast. | ||
| So do you think that's his fault for being able to coast? | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Because, I mean, Brock wouldn't let somebody coast for two rounds. | ||
| Neither would, you know, Fedor. | ||
| Fedor would put a guy out. | ||
| He would find the guy and put it. | ||
| But Fedor, you know, is not afraid to get hit. | ||
| Anderson never gets hit. | ||
| Fedor gets his face busted up. | ||
| I mean, the Brett Rogers fight, like, right in, like, first round, first minute, he got hit with a big jab, and his nose broke open. | ||
| He had a cut on his nose going into the fight. | ||
| Anderson never gets cut. | ||
| He never gets hit. | ||
| He got hit more in the Damien Maia fight than I'd ever recall him. | ||
| He definitely got hit harder. | ||
| There's one animated gif online that someone found of Damien Maia stepping in and cracking Silva with a big fucking left hand. | ||
| It really hit him square. | ||
| Silva wobbled and moved away and started dancing. | ||
| That's a guy who got hit. | ||
| That's a guy who was tired and got hit. | ||
| I think he fucked around too much in the beginning. | ||
| He blew a ton of energy. | ||
| We're outside. | ||
| It's humid. | ||
| And then, I think, psychologically, he starts thinking, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
| You know? | ||
| I'm acting like an asshole and screaming and yelling at this guy. | ||
| And then he's standing in front of the dude clowning him and he gets cracked. | ||
| And then I think he just decided to move. | ||
| Just fuck this. | ||
| See, I'm a huge Silva fan still. | ||
| I don't care what happened. | ||
| I think if anything he learned his lesson in this shit. | ||
| But I don't... | ||
| Like all these people are like, you know... | ||
| Blaming him for this, and I just don't see it. | ||
| I'm like, why isn't the other guy let him do all this? | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| First of all, it was a historic UFC. He was the headline fight, and one of the goals, of course, besides winning, winning is the number one goal for a fighter, but the other goal is to entertain. | ||
| You have to realize that you're in a partnership with the UFC, and the UFC sells pay-per-view. | ||
| And what they sell pay-per-view on is based on how impressive and exciting your performance is. | ||
| Yeah, but would you do that? | ||
| When you play easy and you just run away and you don't attack, he could have finished that guy off in the second round. | ||
| He could have maybe finished him off even in the third round. | ||
| He had just put himself in danger. | ||
| And he's not willing to put himself in any danger. | ||
| And he's very smart for that. | ||
| He's a well-calculated fighter. | ||
| I don't blame him. | ||
| I see the argument for that. | ||
| However, for what he did in the fourth round and the fifth round, I don't see an argument for him. | ||
| Because he didn't do shit. | ||
| He didn't attack at all. | ||
| He didn't fight. | ||
| He literally didn't fight. | ||
| Maybe he couldn't. | ||
| He definitely couldn't fight the way he fought in the first two rounds. | ||
| And he's not willing, I think, at this point in time, with all the pressure on him... | ||
| Being widely regarded as the best pound for pound fighter in the world, he's not willing to get an exchange and get cracked. | ||
| He's got a tremendous ego. | ||
| Especially for entertainment. | ||
| I see the entertainment thing, but I also see, hey, is this entertainment part going to make me lose this fight? | ||
| Because if it is, I'm not going to do that. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, look, I think there's definitely some worry about that. | ||
| I think he definitely was worried about, you know, if he was tired and if he was going to those fourth and fifth rounds, The only thing that makes sense to me is that he moved around because he didn't feel like he could fight at the pace that he fought at before, and when that guy hit him, he said, you know what, this isn't a game. | ||
| I could get hurt here. | ||
| I could lose, and I would look completely retarded. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So let's just move around. | ||
| Fuck this guy. | ||
| I'll throw some feints. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'll move around and feint. | ||
| The other guy should have attacked him more. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He couldn't. | ||
| The bottom line with Damian Maia is that Damian Maia has a tremendous heart, but his striking is so below what Anderson's is. | ||
| The only way it's going to work is if Anderson's really tired. | ||
| And Anderson wasn't willing to stand in front of him when he's really tired. | ||
| So who do you think Silva can fight that would just change the game? | ||
| The guy would come in there and won't let Silva do any of this shit? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| Some people say Vitor Belfort, but the problem with Vitor Belfort is Vitor has had some Very uneven performances. | ||
| Sometimes he just looks unstoppable. | ||
| Like against Rich Franklin, against Vanderlei Silva. | ||
| He comes charging out in the first round. | ||
| But sometimes against Sakuraba, things don't go his way and he kind of shuts down. | ||
| And guys wind up beating his ass. | ||
| He broke his hand in the Sakuraba fight early. | ||
| And you could see him totally shut down. | ||
| And Sakuraba just kicked his ass. | ||
| In the Randy Couture fight, same thing. | ||
| Randy Couture just broke him. | ||
| Got on top of him and just beat him up. | ||
| In his first fight with Randy Couture and in his third fight, the second fight stopped really quickly because Randy had a cut on his eyelid and his eyelid opened up like it was split in the middle. | ||
| He got glanced with a punch and then Vitor became the champ for one fight. | ||
| And then when Randy beat him up in the rematch, Randy got on top of him and just broke him. | ||
| You know, Vitor, if guys put a tremendous amount of pressure on him in the past, they've been able to break him. | ||
| But the other argument to that is he was going through a tremendous amount of personal problems back then. | ||
| He's a different guy now. | ||
| His sister had been abducted and kidnapped and killed. | ||
| And he was like really devastated for years, you know, and that he's over that now. | ||
| And he's very religious and more at peace with himself and more. | ||
| Like, in tune. | ||
| And his last few performances have been staggering. | ||
| Like the Matt Lindland destruction. | ||
| He destroyed Matt Lindland. | ||
| He looked outstanding. | ||
| And then he came to the UFC and destroyed Rich Franklin. | ||
| I mean, he looked scary as fuck. | ||
| And Anderson, you know, did not want that fight. | ||
| They were talking mad shit to each other. | ||
| I mean they were you know Anderson's manager was trying to say that Vitor doesn't deserve the title fight like what are you talking about? | ||
| He's the scariest motherfucker at 185 besides Anderson. | ||
| Of course he deserves it. | ||
| I don't think they wanted that fight I think that you know They can talk all the shit they want about him being weak and he breaks mentally. | ||
| He comes at you in that first round. | ||
| You have to fight him before you break him, okay? | ||
| And before you break him, he's throwing light speed fucking barrages of punches like no one else in the business. | ||
| He's scary as fuck. | ||
| And if he really is a better, more mature person, if he really is more centered now, and he's not going to break, and really is at home with himself, and really his problems in the past were he was going through a lot of emotional and personal problems, but those have actually made him stronger... | ||
| If that's the case, everybody's fucked. | ||
| Because that guy's a freak. | ||
| He's so fucking fast. | ||
| He might be the only guy that's faster than Anderson. | ||
| He's a counter-striker. | ||
| And he's not as long as Anderson, so Anderson would have a little bit of an advantage, a reach advantage. | ||
| But goddamn, Vitor is fast as fuck. | ||
| He's a super athlete. | ||
| John Jones is a freak too. | ||
| But John Jones is 205. John Jones can't make 185. What about GSP versus Silva? | ||
| Could that ever happen? | ||
| It was going to happen. | ||
| That should happen. | ||
| It was going... | ||
| No, they'll never do that now. | ||
| They can't trust Anderson. | ||
| Now they can't trust him to perform. | ||
| And this is what I was saying before. | ||
| This is why this fight was so important. | ||
| This is why they're so pissed. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Because of the last two rounds, you know, him just running away. | ||
| The UFC is owned, 10% of it's owned by Flash Entertainment, which is the royal family in Abu Dhabi. | ||
| And this was like a huge showcase for them. | ||
| This was like their big acquisition. | ||
| You know, they're partners now and they're going to help bring the UFC to all these world markets all over the world. | ||
| So everyone's all excited about this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So then they have this huge event where it's like a $3 million gate, okay? | ||
| For the ticket sales? | ||
| They have fucking Ferrari World. | ||
| They put it inside Ferrari World. | ||
| First outside thing. | ||
| The thing looks fantastic. | ||
| The crowd is insane. | ||
| The crowd was awesome. | ||
| They were so pumped up. | ||
| Everybody was super fucking rowdy. | ||
| Every fight was chaos. | ||
| Except the BJ Penn Frankie Edgar fight. | ||
| That was just very close. | ||
| But there was some wild ass fights before the Brad Blackburn and Demarcus Johnson. | ||
| God damn! | ||
| Kendall Grove and Mark Munoz. | ||
| That fucking fight was awesome. | ||
| It was just nuts. | ||
| The crowd is hyped to the gills. | ||
| Anderson Silva comes in. | ||
| They go fucking crazy. | ||
| They know sunshine when she's gone. | ||
| The music plays. | ||
| You see him dancing. | ||
| They're going fucking bananas. | ||
| And he runs for the last two rounds. | ||
| And, dude, it was a disaster. | ||
| Everybody walked out of there with their head hung, shaking their head, going, what the fuck? | ||
| Everyone was disappointed. | ||
| It wasn't like... | ||
| There was two arguments. | ||
| Some people were saying, well, I see his point. | ||
| Why take a chance? | ||
| No. | ||
| Everyone was bummed out. | ||
| What the UFC sells is just wild shit. | ||
| You're selling wild fucking chaos fights. | ||
| The most exciting sport in the world. | ||
| What Anderson Silva is selling is he's the very best at the wild shit. | ||
| And meanwhile, he didn't do it. | ||
| The last two rounds, he just ran away. | ||
| That's... | ||
| Terrible for the business. | ||
| It's terrible for what the UFC is trying to accomplish in other countries. | ||
| It's terrible for their new partnership with Flash Entertainment. | ||
| It's terrible to have a UFC outside and all the fighters be out of their element too. | ||
| It is. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| But it's even. | ||
| They're both out of their element. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they're also, I mean, that's just different. | ||
| You know, that's like playing football in the snow. | ||
| By the time he was fighting though, it had cooled down. | ||
| It had cooled down to like maybe the 70s. | ||
| But the first guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| John Madsen and Mustafa Alturk, those motherfuckers fought in a sauna. | ||
| So what do you think about that Gracie fight though? | ||
| I thought that was awful. | ||
| Well, Henzo hadn't trained for two and a half years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's a long time. | ||
| He said he didn't train at all. | ||
| That's what he said in the post-fight interview. | ||
| And then he trained for six months for the fight and it just wasn't enough. | ||
| Matt Hughes, for him, he had been looking to knock somebody out forever. | ||
| So for him, it was an awesome opportunity to finally get someone who's going to stand in front of him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I like Matt Hughes in it. | ||
| Yeah, he leg kicked the shit out of him. | ||
| I thought he was going to take him down. | ||
| I thought he would beat him from the top. | ||
| Because Matt Hughes, even though Kenzo has really good jiu-jitsu, Matt Hughes' jiu-jitsu is very underrated. | ||
| He's very strong and is wrestling. | ||
| Look what he did to Hoist when he got him on the ground. | ||
| He just ran through Hoist when he got him on the ground. | ||
| He's strong as fuck, man. | ||
| I just think it would have been more exciting if they went to the ground. | ||
| Both would have been in their element. | ||
| Instead, it was like a sloppy kickboxing match. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| It looked like Ultimate Fighter, like the first episode. | ||
| Yeah, like the TV show. | ||
| They're both doing things they're not good at. | ||
| It's like you and I, we're going to have a one-on-one game of basketball. | ||
| We both suck at basketball. | ||
| It would be terrible. | ||
| If they tried to take each other down and had a ground battle, that would have been exciting as fuck. | ||
| For Matt Hughes, though, it was a smart move. | ||
| He had an advantage standing up, and plus, no one's going to take him down. | ||
| It's very tough to take that guy down. | ||
| You've got to be like GSP to take Matt Hughes down. | ||
| So, he wasn't going to take him down, and Matt Hughes felt like he had an advantage standing, so beat him up. | ||
| So that's what he did. | ||
| He beat him up with leg kicks, slowed him down, and then eventually planted him. | ||
| You know, I think Matt Hughes still has a lot of fights in him if he wants to. | ||
| There's still a lot of good matchups for him if he really gets motivated. | ||
| I don't think he's going to fight like that with that many people, though. | ||
| I think his decision to stand up with him was purely based on that he felt like he had an advantage in that position. | ||
| He needs to change his opening song already. | ||
| I'm done with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow! | |
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That's a goddamn classic. | ||
| What your man says is the end. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I'm gonna play that now because you say that, you motherfucker. | ||
| I'm just saying that, you know, it's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| I'm done with that. | ||
| I think... | ||
| My favorite fights are that Japanese dude that's not fighting anymore at the UFC because he lost the last one where he dresses up and he has fun with the opening. | ||
| Like, the Japanese pride guy... | ||
| Gono? | ||
| Gono's the best. | ||
| He is my favorite, man. | ||
| I wish they would. | ||
| There's no chance he's ever coming back to UFC, right? | ||
| Yeah, there's a chance. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Gono's still pretty young, man. | ||
| I like him. | ||
| He's one of my favorites. | ||
| You love this song, motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is his walkout. | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| This is a great goddamn song. | ||
| You never wanted to live in the woods like this motherfucker? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I liked it the first 500 times I've heard it. | ||
| God, I don't give a shit. | ||
| When he comes after that and he's fucking chewing on his mouthpiece, come on, son. | ||
| This is the greatest walkout music ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| In my opinion, there's no better walkout music than this song from Matt Hughes. | ||
| There's no better match. | ||
| What's better? | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| It's perfect, Lauren. | ||
| Mix it up a little. | ||
| I'm always about mixing it up a little. | ||
| Nah, you lie. | ||
| The guy won a million fucking fights with that song. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| It's the greatest song ever. | ||
| Plus, the UFC owns that song. | ||
| Oh, that's perfect. | ||
| They bought the rights to that song because of Matt Hughes. | ||
| Yeah, so they can use it all the time. | ||
| Yeah, the UFC is fucking, they're crazy. | ||
| Is there any word on a new Kimbo fight? | ||
| Kimbo versus Mitrion, May 9th. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| In Montreal. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| You can go if you want. | ||
| Want to come to Montreal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's it at? | |
| Montreal? | ||
| No, I don't want to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Kid gets fucking floor seats to the UFC. Hey, how about all you people out there that are like, fuck man, I would like to go. | ||
| You can't even go. | ||
| That's bullshit, alright? | ||
| I actually prefer it, dude. | ||
| Watching it on TV. You would too. | ||
| I bet you would too. | ||
| If you were with us, we'd go to Barney's Beanery now. | ||
| There will come a time where I'll be watching it on TV. I'm not going to do this forever. | ||
| We go to Barney's Beanery. | ||
| There's a TV at our table. | ||
| A plasma right in front of us. | ||
| There's a movie theater of TVs. | ||
| We've got waitresses bringing us the joke. | ||
| Worst food ever. | ||
| Beer. | ||
| There's like 20 of us. | ||
| I mean, it's like a party. | ||
| That's better, right? | ||
| It's way better. | ||
| It is better. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| You gotta call in sick soon. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| I'm responsible for part of the entertainment part of it, the talking part. | ||
| I like watching it with commentary, man. | ||
| I'd way rather watch somebody else do commentary, like Michael Chiavello. | ||
| If Michael Chiavello and Goldberg got together and put a fighter in there, like Pat Miletic or something like that, I'd be happy as fuck. | ||
| To sit home and watch that, you know? | ||
| It's too bad you can't do it from your home. | ||
| Like, you know how, like, XM radio stations, they could do their shit from home now? | ||
| Too bad you can't just sit there with a TV and watch it. | ||
| No, because I have to interview the fighters. | ||
| What are they going to do? | ||
| Holograms, man. | ||
| With a monitor? | ||
| Real doll. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The robot fucked all of me. | |
| That's what we were talking about before, that when they could replicate people, the first thing they'd do is replicate celebrities so you could fuck them. | ||
| Eventually, though, I'm just going to do stand-up. | ||
| I don't know when it's going to happen, but Maybe sooner than later. | ||
| I don't like all this traveling. | ||
| It's getting crazy. | ||
| There's one thing that everyone was talking about at the bar I was at, is that there's too many UFCs now. | ||
| They were all talking about that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like, that's why we're coming here, because I can't afford two UFCs a month. | ||
| Meanwhile, the pay-per-view numbers are still awesome. | ||
| Oh yeah, absolutely. | ||
| They'll always be awesome. | ||
| You know, the point is though, the more they do it, the more it grows, and the more it becomes a part of the culture. | ||
| And it's 12 months a year, and it never stops. | ||
| I mean, it really is going to take over everything. | ||
| You know what's going to happen eventually? | ||
| I'll probably just do the Vegas ones eventually. | ||
| I'll just do some of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or the LA. When they come back to LA. They won't come back very often. | |
| They go to LA once a year or every two years or something like that. | ||
| We've got too many places to go. | ||
| We've got to go to fucking... | ||
| Germany and Ireland and Australia. | ||
| How about Ohio? | ||
| Why does it have to be crazy? | ||
| Well, the WEC went to Ohio this year. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Why do you have to go to Afghanistan? | ||
| Why do you just go to Ohio? | ||
| Because they want to take over the world. | ||
| They want to take over the world. | ||
| Look, they have a product that was very, very undersold. | ||
| When they first came into the UFC, the UFC had insane potential, but very little coverage. | ||
| Very few people know about it. | ||
| When I first started working for the UFC, it was in 1997. And the company that I worked for was SEG, a much smaller company than the UFC now, Zufa. | ||
| A lot of the same guys are still there. | ||
| A lot of the behind the scenes guys. | ||
| We did shows in like little fucking high school auditoriums in like Dothan, Alabama and shit. | ||
| Like really small ass shows. | ||
| And we always said, you know what this sport needs? | ||
| This sport needs some fucking crazy billionaires who just love the sport to come in there and just shove it in front of people's faces. | ||
| Put it on TV, spend a fuckload of money, and make it huge. | ||
| But nobody ever thought that was really going to happen. | ||
| But that is what happened. | ||
| With Zufa, what happened is these guys that own 22 fucking casinos... | ||
| I mean, he's the perfect guy for it. | ||
| We don't have a president or CEO like that. | ||
| A fighting corporation? | ||
| There are no other ones, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| They would have a businessman who would step in and do it. | ||
| Meanwhile, Dana is just a nut and a crazy fight fan. | ||
| He's the perfect guy for the job. | ||
| Literally, you couldn't get a better guy for the job. | ||
| But then they took over, but they realized when they took over, once it started taking off after the Ultimate Fighter TV show started airing, They realized that all the sport needed in America was exposure. | ||
| And this is a sport that transcends cultural boundaries, languages. | ||
| It transcends everything. | ||
| Traditions. | ||
| Everybody understands fighting. | ||
| Nobody's going to watch fucking cricket in America. | ||
| You're never going to sell that. | ||
| You could try to make people think they're sophisticated if they enjoy soccer. | ||
| Or maybe your family's from Latin America, so you like soccer. | ||
| But no one is going to fucking buy cricket. | ||
| They're not going to buy cricket. | ||
| But fighting? | ||
| Fighting is everywhere. | ||
| You can watch fighting in China. | ||
| You can watch fighting in Germany. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It doesn't matter if you understand the language. | ||
| I like watching the old prides. | ||
| I used to get prides straight from Japan. | ||
| And the commentary would all be in Japanese. | ||
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
| I didn't even know what they were saying. | ||
| What do we do? | ||
| We get knocked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do we do? | |
| They would go crazy screaming in Japanese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was fucking awesome. | |
| I didn't have to know what they were saying. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I loved everything about Pride, even the opening walk. | ||
| I thought it was great. | ||
| I did like all the pageantry, how they had the giant screens with the dude's face on it and shit. | ||
| I thought that was pretty dope. | ||
| I think it's fun, man. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| They had pyrotechnics for a while, but then Johil de Oliveira got burnt. | ||
| We got barbecued during one of the pyrotechnics. | ||
| Well, that's what the CBS fight MMA tried to do, right? | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yeah, they had live music bands like Kid Rock. | ||
| Oh, you're talking about Elite XC. Yeah, that was ridiculous. | ||
| That was so stupid. | ||
| They had a band play a song. | ||
| Although Affliction did that. | ||
| Yeah, it was affliction. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah, those silly fucks. | ||
| They had a band play a song in the middle of the fucking fight. | ||
| Like in the middle of the show. | ||
| Was it either in the middle of the show? | ||
| Did fights go on and then the band play? | ||
| Or did the band play in the beginning? | ||
| I think that's what it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that's what it was. | |
| In between fights or something like that. | ||
| So dumb. | ||
| You don't want to mix that. | ||
| It's like people have asked me before to open up for bands, like do comedy. | ||
| We're going to have like four bands. | ||
| We'd like you to go on the middle and do comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| It's the worst. | ||
| It doesn't work like that, man. | ||
| Nobody wants to see your comedy when they're in the groove to see music. | ||
| And nobody wants to see your fucking band if they're in the groove to see fights. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| It's just like, you can't stop a rock concert and put on a fight. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| It wouldn't be as good. | ||
| You couldn't have some fucking awesome Rolling Stones concert and then stop it halfway through the middle and have an MMA fight. | ||
| People will be like, what is this? | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| What am I watching? | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| Phone ringing? | ||
| You only... | ||
| It's better when you only have one thing. | ||
| One thing is good. | ||
| These extravaganzas, that's why I hate doing award shows, doing comedy on award shows, because they have all these awards and little clips, and then you do stand-up in the middle of it. | ||
| It's like, ugh! | ||
| The last time I did that was the Guy's Choice Award for Spike. | ||
| It was disastrous. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| Nobody wanted to hear anybody's comedy. | ||
| The whole thing was like, they were sitting there for three hours watching some boring-ass award show. | ||
| It was like, They wanted to just get the fuck out of there by the time I got on stage. | ||
| Did you hear about the Conan deal? | ||
| Yeah, he's gonna do TBS. Right before Lopez. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I think it's good for him. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| It's great for both of them, I think. | ||
| For both of them, yeah. | ||
| And you know why I think it's good for him, too? | ||
| It's because they'll let him do whatever the fuck he wants. | ||
| Yeah, it's TBS! What the fuck? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| TBS is gonna blow up now. | ||
| It's gonna blow up. | ||
| And by the way, Conan's already rich, right? | ||
| He made so much money from that just leaving NBC. You know, they gave him like 35 million bucks. | ||
| He can do whatever the fuck he wants now. | ||
| Is TBS the same company as Spike? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Comedy Central is. | ||
| Comedy Central and Spike are. | ||
| That's why my special first aired on Spike and then aired on Comedy Central. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you can get my... | ||
| That DVD's available now, so go buy that. | ||
| Amazon. | ||
| Link on your website. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's on JoeRogan.net and it's on... | ||
| It was the number two on iTunes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know if it still is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Robin Williams. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Did you ever go ahead of Beatle? | ||
| I don't know if I ever beat him. | ||
| I bet you have. | ||
| But God... | ||
| I don't get that. | ||
| I understand how some people think some things are funny. | ||
| There's some guys that I get that people think they're funny, but I don't see it. | ||
| The Robin Williams thing goes right over my head. | ||
| I go, what are you laughing at? | ||
| I have never laughed at him once. | ||
| Maybe in a movie. | ||
| When I was a kid, I listened to his stand-up because it was raunchy, like he was talking about his dick, and I was seven years old watching HBO. That's the only reason I ever liked him. | ||
| He never did it for me. | ||
| And then when I heard he was a giant thief, then he's forever tainted. | ||
| Even if he says something funny, I'm watching, he says something funny, I'm like, where'd you get that from? | ||
| Who'd you steal that from, you fuck? | ||
| Speaking of crazy celebrities, did you hear about Steven Seagal? | ||
| Steven Seagal got arrested? | ||
| He did? | ||
| That's impossible. | ||
| He's getting sued. | ||
| He didn't get arrested. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Andy Dick got arrested. | |
| Did you hear about that? | ||
| He walked into someone's house. | ||
| He was also the day before he was thrown out of a winery in Santa Barbara for being too drunk. | ||
| How do you get thrown out of a winery? | ||
| I blame Dr. Drew. | ||
| You blame Dr. Drew? | ||
| If you're out there, I blame you. | ||
| Why do you blame Dr. Drew? | ||
| You have an able dandy dick, sir. | ||
| He was on Sober House with Dr. Drew. | ||
| Oh, that's the kind of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wasn't he? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Wasn't Dr. Drew Sober House? | ||
| Was that it? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Whichever one it is. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Celebrity Rehab? | ||
| Was he on that? | ||
| He was on one of them. | ||
| He was on Celebrity Rehab? | ||
| He said something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He was probably just on Dr. Drew's dick. | ||
| Maybe I'm just a magic. | ||
| Dr. Drew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're just kidding. | |
| Just kidding, Dr. Drew. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| Fucking Celebrity Rehab is spectacular. | ||
| Oh, it's one of my favorite shows ever. | ||
| If you ever wanted motivation to not do drugs, watch Tom Sizemore on Celebrity Rehab. | ||
| Dude, not even him. | ||
| What about that chick? | ||
| That annoying... | ||
| Heidi Fleiss? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, the other one. | ||
| The crazy sex addict chick? | ||
| I swear to God, she's one of those girls that they shouldn't even have her on the show because it's just disgusting to watch. | ||
| She's pretty gross. | ||
| I actually ended up liking the girl from that day. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| She used to be on that old sitcom that has the dog that died during the show. | ||
| That wrote the book about being molested. | ||
| Oh, Mackenzie Phillips. | ||
| I actually liked her. | ||
| She's a nice person. | ||
| Yeah, she seemed cool. | ||
| Her whole story is horrific. | ||
| Yeah, it is horrible. | ||
| If you don't know the story, Mackenzie Phillips' dad fucked her her whole life. | ||
| She had a sexual relationship with her dad. | ||
| Like, her whole life. | ||
| And her dad shot her up with heroin or with cocaine when she was 11. Jesus Christ. | ||
| What? | ||
| 11. And her dad shot her up with coke. | ||
| I mean, the whole thing is just... | ||
| The most horrific thing you could ever possibly imagine, that someone would do this to their kid and fuck their kid their whole life, had a sexual relationship with their kid, to the point where she told her, like, hey, we could leave, we could go to countries where this is totally acceptable. | ||
| What country is he going to go to? | ||
| What country is it acceptable to fuck your kids? | ||
| Is there one out there? | ||
| No. | ||
| That should be just death. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That should be death. | ||
| Yeah, well, speaking of death, the Catholic religion is fighting to... | ||
| They're trying to impose a statute of limitations on sexual molestation cases. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Because right now there's a statute of limitations on sexual molestation cases that's like... | ||
| I believe it's like 30 years. | ||
| So, they're trying to impose... | ||
| They're trying to make sure that that sticks. | ||
| They want to make sure that they don't change it to no statute of limitations. | ||
| Because then... | ||
| Anytime someone has a case. | ||
| Right now, if the case is more than 30 years old, I think it's 30 years. | ||
| Pretty sure. | ||
| If the case is more than 30 years old, you have to, if you're going to be a part of a case, you have to be joining with other people that are also inside the case. | ||
| So say if someone has a case that's 29 years old and yours is 30 and the same priest fucked you, then you can join in if yours is older. | ||
| But if yours is the individual case, they're saying they don't want you to be able to sue. | ||
| And people are saying, no, this is crazy. | ||
| And meanwhile, the Catholic Church is urging people to vote against this because they're saying that it's an assault on the church. | ||
| How is pedophiles, how is shielding pedophiles with a statute of limitations, how is that fucking helping the church? | ||
| And how would getting rid of... | ||
| Any statute of limitations that would impose a timeline for when you can be prosecuted for a horrible crime against humanity. | ||
| How could that be what God wants? | ||
| That God wants you to... | ||
| I'm sick of it, Joe. | ||
| You know, Joe, I was thinking about today. | ||
| I just got in a huge fight with my sister. | ||
| I unfaced Booker. | ||
| Oh, your sister? | ||
| Let's talk about it. | ||
| Well, you can't talk about it. | ||
| Well, I can't, but I can tell you about this. | ||
| I unfacebooked her, and because I unfacebooked her, she's about to have a baby, and she said that I could no longer be an uncle because I unfacebooked her. | ||
| But there's only two times... | ||
| You can't be an uncle? | ||
| Anymore. | ||
| She's not allowing me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's hilarious. | |
| But this all stems... | ||
| You want to be an uncle to my daughter? | ||
| Huh, sure. | ||
| Oh, you're an uncle now. | ||
| I am uncle now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| You can't steal! | ||
| You can't steal the uncle! | ||
| He's an uncle! | ||
| So anyways, there was two times that I've gotten into such a huge fight with my sister. | ||
| Both of these times it rooted from religion. | ||
| Well, you know what man? | ||
| People want to believe that there's some rules and regulations to the world. | ||
| Because it makes them feel better. | ||
| And when you come along and say that they're not, that they don't exist, then it makes them have to reevaluate their whole life. | ||
| They fucking hate it and they get angry at you. | ||
| Because you're fucking up their peace. | ||
| They've developed a peace of mind from the idea that God is great, God is good, you do the right things, you're going to go to heaven. | ||
| That helps them get through the day, man. | ||
| And for a lot of people, it's a nice, simple box to put the world in. | ||
| And when you go, fuck, it's a fucking box! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look! | |
| It's a box! | ||
| Throw it away! | ||
| They go, fuck you! | ||
| Give me my box! | ||
| And they want that box back, man. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| The real problem is when anybody tells you that they know. | ||
| That's when it's the problem. | ||
| Game over. | ||
| Game over, man! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Game over, man! | |
| It's fucking... | ||
| Fuck this, man! | ||
| You can't tell me you know. | ||
| You don't know, man. | ||
| You're not dead. | ||
| You're not in heaven. | ||
| You're not an alien. | ||
| You're not from the future. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck religion. | |
| Fuck religion. | ||
| Fuck any ideologies. | ||
| Anybody telling you how you can live your life. | ||
| You know what is good? | ||
| When people offer advice and people say, this is what I've learned from my mistakes and this is what I've learned from my life. | ||
| And this can possibly benefit you if you come across the same situations. | ||
| This is what I've learned. | ||
| This made my life easier. | ||
| This made my life better. | ||
| I learned to be nicer to people. | ||
| I learned to suck it up when this happens. | ||
| I learned to look in the mirror when you got problems. | ||
| I learned to evaluate, you know, and look at my own life objectively before I start pointing the finger at other people. | ||
| Those are all things that can help you. | ||
| When you start talking about, you know, you kind of have pork and Allah does not work. | ||
| If a photo of Muhammad is available, you must die! | ||
| Jeez, that guy keeps on getting threatened. | ||
| He almost got murdered the other day. | ||
| Which guy? | ||
| The cartoonist that drew Muhammad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| The other day he almost got, it was like last week or something like that. | ||
| Dude, people have been killed for that. | ||
| People have been killed for drawing Muhammad. | ||
| Why is Trey Parker and Matt Stone not dead yet? | ||
| Did they draw Muhammad? | ||
| Oh, they had a whole episode about Muhammad. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| This guy just had a stupid family circus comic. | ||
| When I went over to Abu Dhabi, I was thinking, I hope none of these motherfuckers have a copy of Shiny Happy Jihad. | ||
| I know, I was thinking that too. | ||
| Dude, my last CD, not this one, but the one before that, was called Shiny Happy Jihad. | ||
| They probably know that. | ||
| I have a copy of it. | ||
| I'm gonna start giving them away. | ||
| Cause I just got a box of them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Dude, your one CD's out of print. | ||
| I still think the idea of... | ||
| The first one? | ||
| I had an idea. | ||
| He has this old, old CD to... | ||
| Can't do it. | ||
| Remix it. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Remix it. | ||
| Like, remix the bits into, like, you know? | ||
| Cause they're all lost bits. | ||
| Yeah, but they're gone. | ||
| They gotta go. | ||
| Yeah, but that's a good idea. | ||
| I need new shit, man. | ||
| I gotta keep going. | ||
| But this is... | ||
| This is what I was worried, if you're not familiar with any of my comedy... | ||
| It's called Shiny Happy Jihad, and it's me. | ||
| Can you see that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's me. | ||
| What is the glare here? | ||
| There we go. | ||
| It's me with fucking TMT, and it says Jihad on it. | ||
| I mean, it's probably one of my best CDs. | ||
| I think it's my favorite. | ||
| The last one is really good, too. | ||
| The last one's a little headier. | ||
| This one's a little sillier. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's one of my favorites, but I was like, God, I hope none of these motherfuckers have this. | ||
| Because, like, half of the bits are about suicide bombing and fucking making fun of Osama Bin Laden living in a cave. | ||
| I mean, it's a lot of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jihad! | |
| There's a lot of that in there. | ||
| Some guy remixed that Jihad and made a terrible song out of it. | ||
| I still think you need to work on your new song that you wrote in Tempe. | ||
| I think that's a great song. | ||
| Oh, I like that. | ||
| He has a song that's in Arizona that was number one. | ||
| Oh, that song. | ||
| Yeah, that song was really popular in Phoenix. | ||
| It's called Voodoo Panani. | ||
| It was number one for a couple of months because these guys, Tim and Mark, In Phoenix. | ||
| I love those guys. | ||
| Yeah, they don't work there anymore, unfortunately. | ||
| They got fired. | ||
| You probably don't know them. | ||
| You're thinking of somebody else. | ||
| No, the ones that we filmed the original DVD for like three years ago, four years ago. | ||
| Were they there? | ||
| Yeah, I filmed something for it. | ||
| Well, anyway, these guys, they started playing it. | ||
| It's this song about pussy, about voodoo pussy. | ||
| It's called Voodoo Poonanny. | ||
| But you can play it on the radio. | ||
| It's pretty clean. | ||
| It's all about... | ||
| Any guy knows what this is all about. | ||
| Vaginas are not created equal. | ||
| They're just not. | ||
| And sex is not equal either. | ||
| You can have sex with one person and it's boring as fuck. | ||
| And then you can have sex with another chick and she's just a goddamn freak. | ||
| And every now and then you'll come across a girl who's a freak and she's got a super pussy. | ||
| And there are pussies that are super pussies. | ||
| Where you get in and you're like, God damn! | ||
| There was this one girl that I used to fuck, and literally, her pussy was like, it was like velvet. | ||
| There was something going on in there. | ||
| It just gripped your dick. | ||
| And she wasn't a small girl. | ||
| She was tall. | ||
| But her pussy was super tight and always wet. | ||
| And she was just a total pervert. | ||
| Just a freak. | ||
| And literally, it was like a drug. | ||
| And I used to call it voodoo pussy. | ||
| I'm like, this bitch has got voodoo pussy. | ||
| So I had to write a song about voodoo pussy. | ||
| So I wrote this song, Voodoo Punani, which is on my 1999 CD, which is called, uh, I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday. | ||
| So, um, you know, I thought about writing another song. | ||
| I might write something else if I found a subject. | ||
| I like the new one. | ||
| I thought the new one that you... | ||
| New one's pretty funny. | ||
| I've seen your girl's butthole. | ||
| We were high one night and I just started singing that. | ||
| And it got stuck in everybody's head. | ||
| And all night we were just walking around going Tick-tock, I've seen your girl's butthole I can't tell you what the subject, why this came up There's this dude that we know Was dating this girl that does some things Where you might be able to see her butthole Like the whole world could see it It's funny I like that guy. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that dude. | |
| So you've been using your iPad a lot lately? | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| How was the battery life? | ||
| Did you use it the whole way? | ||
| I used it the whole way. | ||
| I didn't charge it once. | ||
| I charged it right before I left, but I was reading with it every day, reading in bed. | ||
| I was surfing the web on it. | ||
| I was doing all sorts of shit on it, man. | ||
| I have a review I just did and I showed this new application that lets you take your iPhone and Bluetooth connects it to your iPad. | ||
| It's like a wireless webcam. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| And that's just like a shitty programming. | ||
| Can you imagine if Apple releases... | ||
| Here's my rumor, what I think it's going to be. | ||
| I just made this up last night. | ||
| So they have the new iPhone that comes out in June. | ||
| They're going to announce. | ||
| There's all this rumor saying it's going to have a front-facing camera with iChat. | ||
| So you can do iChat live video on your phone. | ||
| So what I think, they're waiting for that rumor, and they're going to release a Bluetooth HD camera that will snap on top of your iTab and do the same thing. | ||
| So you can have like a little wireless camera for it. | ||
| Why don't they just have a camera built inside of it? | ||
| Why I have to hit some Bluetooth thing up? | ||
| That's gay. | ||
| Because then the Bluetooth is going to run out of batteries and how's it going to plug? | ||
| I'm going to have to charge it. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| Well, this new iPhone... | ||
| Why can't you make a camera in there? | ||
| I think they're going to have... | ||
| I think it's going to be like a $300 camera. | ||
| I think it's going to be like HD, like high quality camera. | ||
| You're just making this up. | ||
| Oh no, I am making this all up. | ||
| You're no different than those Jesus people. | ||
| This is my rumors. | ||
| I think it's going to go back in time. | ||
| I think you can go back in time with a new iPad and it'll suck your dick while you take a shit. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| That program alone just kind of made me go, you know what? | ||
| Something like this is coming. | ||
| That's what's going to happen eventually. | ||
| Eventually, it's going to be like a portal to another dimension. | ||
| There'll be a mouth on the other dimension. | ||
| You get a heart on, and you put the iPad, and your dick goes right through the iPad to someone's mouth. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| You nut in another dimension. | ||
| Pull your iPad out. | ||
| What if it crashes halfway through? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And your dick is stuck in the fucking 11th dimension. | |
| It's just floating around. | ||
| They'd have a special episode of Oprah Winfrey, guys who lost half their dick into another dimension. | ||
| Maybe one dude was like, I only lost a tip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was just about to put it in and we had a power outage. | |
| I was just about to put it in and I guess it was some sort of a solar flare. | ||
| So now, I mean, the top of my dick is flat. | ||
| It's kind of a novelty. | ||
| It just goes in like a beer can. | ||
| It doesn't have a head. | ||
| It doesn't have a curve to it. | ||
| Just a big flat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who knows what the fuck is coming up next, man? | ||
| There's gonna be some crazy shit, though. | ||
| It's gonna keep going. | ||
| They're gonna keep inventing more and more nutty shit. | ||
| And like I said before, I think that it's all... | ||
| Everything has to do with connectivity. | ||
| Everything has to do with bringing people closer and closer together. | ||
| That's what this whole Tiger Woods thing is all about. | ||
| That this would not have happened 30, 40 years ago. | ||
| Because there wouldn't be the kind of connectivity that people have now with the internet. | ||
| The internet keeps everything alive. | ||
| It's getting worse and worse, man. | ||
| Did you hear... | ||
| What else just came out the other day? | ||
| Fucking Oprah Winfrey. | ||
| Oprah Winfrey, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Jesse James. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| Jim Carrey. | ||
| There was a good whole article on this whole thing on Gizmodo or Gizmondo or whatever it's called.com about celebrities ruining their careers from Twitter and all that stuff because there's too much information getting out about them. | ||
| And, you know, it's crazy. | ||
| That is a good point because a lot of celebrities, really, the illusion is way better than who they are. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, you get to know them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, like, Because it is all a trick, you know? | ||
| Robert Schwarzenegger's a trick, obviously. | ||
| Well, look, you know how few actors would ever want to do something like this? | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| If they did, like... | ||
| Because look, look at us. | ||
| There's no makeup. | ||
| We're just fucking hanging out in my office. | ||
| Look, I'm a fucking slob. | ||
| That's all my shit. | ||
| I'm cleaning out my office. | ||
| This is my new desk is behind me. | ||
| I bought this fucking desk a year ago, and I still have not set it up yet. | ||
| The desk that everything's on right now is too big. | ||
| So this desk I'm getting rid of. | ||
| I'm moving that desk into place and that wall is going to be green screened. | ||
| I like how you always buy things and it's always in the plastic trunk. | ||
| You have so many things that you've never even opened. | ||
| Well, I am what you would be like if you were 12 years old and all of a sudden you had money. | ||
| Somebody just gave you free money. | ||
| You just buy stupid shit. | ||
| I have this because I think that I think a lot of things up in my car and I don't want to be fiddling around. | ||
| I just want to push a button. | ||
| So I got a digital recorder. | ||
| When I drive, I come up. | ||
| Do you drive? | ||
| Do you come up with a lot of ideas when you drive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| But you know what's funny is we talked about this last week to the point where I have to get my words out as quick as possible. | ||
| It happened to me like two days after that. | ||
| I thought of this hilarious thing about Metallica. | ||
| People were talking about Metallica. | ||
| I'm like, oh, got to get my iPhone out. | ||
| Got my iPhone out. | ||
| And somebody says, hey, Brian. | ||
| I'm like, oh, hey. | ||
| Fuck, lost it. | ||
| Don't even remember what it is. | ||
| I've been trying to think about it all the time. | ||
| It was so fucking funny that I can't even remember. | ||
| Yeah, it's when someone's talking to you and you have an idea, you can totally lose it. | ||
| Like, I'll get, if an idea is awesome, I will cover my ears and run away from someone. | ||
| And they're like, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? | ||
| You're fucking rude. | ||
| And then I have to come back and explain to them, I'm so sorry. | ||
| I had an idea and it was super important. | ||
| But for me, any idea like that is like, those are diamonds. | ||
| There's ideas that I've come up with that became bits. | ||
| Those bits are so valuable to me. | ||
| You know, like my Anna Nicole Smith bit or something like that, like some of the classic bits that I had in the past. | ||
| What if, as I was thinking that up, somebody came up to me and started talking about their stupid bullshit? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because some people are fucking brutal and they don't take the hint. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, they just want to say what they have to say to you. | ||
| You can't say, hold on a second, hold on a second. | ||
| They'll just keep talking. | ||
| Hold on a second, dude, stop! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| I forgot! | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| You know what I was watching the UFC next to a guy I just met, was a friend of a friend, but the whole fight, he sounded like a reporter from the 1920s talking to Dick Tracy. | ||
| He was like, Sal, what do you think about that, huh? | ||
| Hey, yeah, so what do you think about that, Sal? | ||
| And I'm like, he even talked like that. | ||
| He says, what do you think about his legs, huh? | ||
| I think his legs are good, huh? | ||
| And I'm just like, oh, shut the fuck up! | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| I hate when people don't have that quality of self-evaluating. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That just drives me crazy when I meet somebody that does that. | ||
| How important is that? | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| We know a lot of people that don't have that quality. | ||
| We know a lot of people. | ||
| Most people don't have that quality. | ||
| It's a bad quality. | ||
| That's another thing. | ||
| The people who don't have that quality are usually not successful. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why they're not successful. | ||
| There's a disconnect between them and other people. | ||
| Other people do not see them the way everybody else does or them the way rather they see themselves. | ||
| They see themselves like completely distorted and that's why they haven't been successful. | ||
| They're not being objective because objectivity requires pain. | ||
| No one's perfect, especially when you're younger. | ||
| If you're not making mistakes, you're not trying. | ||
| If you're not trying, you're not going to get better at anything you do. | ||
| You're going to fuck up. | ||
| You're going to make horrible mistakes. | ||
| One of the reasons I got good at stand-up is because being bad at stand-up is so fucking painful. | ||
| You've got to find that out by getting in front of people and having them hate you. | ||
| Having them not laugh and boo you. | ||
| Well, a lot of people don't have an audience in their life. | ||
| They don't have anything to evaluate themselves with. | ||
| So they don't evaluate themselves. | ||
| So they have this distorted perception of how cool they are. | ||
| That's with guys and drinking That's the most painful. | ||
| Drinking? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Drunks are the worst. | ||
| And I've been... | ||
| I admit it. | ||
| I've done it before. | ||
| But I've also, the next day, slapped my forehead going, okay, next time I drink, I've got to remember that I do that. | ||
| But there's some people, especially the guys that get really close in your face when they're drunk. | ||
| Some dude did that in Abu Dhabi. | ||
| He kept telling me that he was some prince's cousin... | ||
| And bro, I did this and that. | ||
| And man, you come with me, all the bitches, man. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| We're going to do business together. | ||
| You and I are going to open up. | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck away from me. | ||
| You're spitting in my ear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, speeding, speeding in my ear, man. | |
| And telling me how we're going to go into business together in Dubai. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here, man. | ||
| We're not going into business together. | ||
| It's called Zanku Chicken, my friend. | ||
| Mike Young used to do a joke about that. | ||
| It was one of my favorite Mike Young bits about how everybody who does coke wants to open up a business with you. | ||
| Because it's totally true. | ||
| When dudes do coke, they always have business plans. | ||
| Oh, they have all kinds of plans. | ||
| All kinds of plans. | ||
| Oh, coke is the worst drug in the world. | ||
| It's the worst drug that's ever been created. | ||
| It is the number one retard drug. | ||
| There's no better. | ||
| When you're out and you're surrounded by a bunch of cokeheads and they're just talking at you. | ||
| The worst is when you're high and they're coked up. | ||
| Is there ever a worse combination? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| There's no worse combination than when you're stoned and you're hanging around cokeheads. | ||
| Because stoned is like you're timid and you're humble. | ||
| You know, when you smoke pot, you start realizing, like, God, I'm like this fleshy little thing. | ||
| You know, like, if there's a lion in this room, that lion can just eat me. | ||
| There's nothing I can do about it. | ||
| When you're coked up, you never think about a lion. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And if you do, you're like, I need a fucking lion. | ||
| I'll tell that lion to suck my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you can't. | |
| Meth is the worst too. | ||
| Somebody put meth on there also. | ||
| Yeah, I agree with meth. | ||
| I wonder how many people... | ||
| Yeah, Robin Williams was a coke addict. | ||
| I wonder how many people... | ||
| That I've been around have been on meth and I didn't know it. | ||
| I bet a lot. | ||
| We're in LA, man. | ||
| I think half the people that we think are fucking crazy are just on meth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, a lot of people are methed up, man. | ||
| That is definitely true. | ||
| A lot of people that are like... | ||
| When you see people that are real skinny and they look drawn out and they're fucking talking wacky, it's something. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's some sort of amphetamines, whether it's meth or... | ||
| Do you know that meth was invented during World War I and World War II, the Japanese used it for suicide bombers? | ||
| That's how they talk the kamikazes into fucking crashing their planes into boats. | ||
| No way, really? | ||
| Yeah, they would hook them up with meth. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| The government has not only experimented with that, I mean, the Japanese government gave them amphetamines and crystal meth and shit like that, but also steroids. | ||
| The United States government has done that in the past. | ||
| Soldiers have been told that they have to take certain pills, like you have to take things. | ||
| And when you take them and find out it's like Anabar, which is like an oral steroid, makes you super hyper-aggressive, which totally makes sense. | ||
| And when guys are juiced up, if guys are all juiced up, they feel like they're invincible. | ||
| Your body's all flooded with testosterone. | ||
| Gorillas must feel completely invincible. | ||
| When you're living in the woods, you're covered in hair, you weigh 800 pounds... | ||
| They don't worry about shit. | ||
| They could totally beat a fighter, by the way. | ||
| Gorillas versus a person. | ||
| Oh, crush a person. | ||
| No, I mean a person would beat a gorilla. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, beat a gorilla? | |
| That argument with Eddie? | ||
| Eddie was trying to make some crazy argument that there's people that could beat a chimp in a fight. | ||
| I'm like, you're out of your way. | ||
| The chimp would just bite your fingers off. | ||
| That's the first thing he would do. | ||
| Now try fighting, stupid. | ||
| Oh, you're punching him in the head? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| He's grabbing a hand and eating your fingers. | ||
| So once all of your fingers are gone, then he's going to look at you and go, now what, bitch? | ||
| Now I'm going to eat your asshole. | ||
| And he'll dive onto your asshole and claw his way until he gets close to your butthole and you'll be fighting him off, but he's going to keep getting in there. | ||
| I thought Eddie was joking the whole time, but I don't think he was. | ||
| That's Drunk Eddie. | ||
| Drunk Eddie's, you know Drunk Eddie. | ||
| Was he drunk? | ||
| Yeah, he was drunk. | ||
| He's three drinks in. | ||
| Three drinks in is Drunk Eddie. | ||
| Once he poured that Jack Daniels, the lights went out in Georgia. | ||
| Fucking drums started playing, the Indian came out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So, what? | ||
| Brock would destroy a gorilla. | ||
| Could you imagine what a gorilla would do to Brock Lesnar? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, Just run across them. | |
| Even Brock knows he can't fucking beat a gorilla. | ||
| You ever seen a gorilla rush a person? | ||
| It's so goddamn terrifying. | ||
| They rush you and they hope that you're just going to back off and get away. | ||
| They just want to claim your territory. | ||
| But if you do turn and run, they might just freak out, just chase you and beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| So you have to turn away, but you have to stand down. | ||
| But you can't look like prey. | ||
| Dude, chimps. | ||
| Chimps and gorillas. | ||
| They are so strong, we couldn't even imagine. | ||
| You couldn't even wrap your head around what they could do to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They could literally grab you by the arm and throw you. | |
| Throw you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They would pull your arm literally right off your body. | |
| Like, no problem. | ||
| A pit bull could kill most people. | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| That's a pit bull. | ||
| That's a dog. | ||
| You remember Frank. | ||
| When I had Frank, I always used to think that. | ||
| That if this dog wanted to, he could kill me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He could kill anything. | ||
| He's a fucking 90 pound pit bull with his big fire hydrant head. | ||
| If he wanted to, he would kill me. | ||
| You know, he doesn't know that. | ||
| That's why, you know, I have the food. | ||
| That's why I like being around animals that can't kill me. | ||
| That can only love. | ||
| Yeah, like little kitty cats. | ||
| Little kitty cats. | ||
| So what do you think about the Steven Seagal thing? | ||
| Steven Seagal got arrested, or didn't get arrested. | ||
| He's getting sued. | ||
| We'll find a story right here. | ||
| Because what happened was, apparently he had some chick that was working for him, and she was his... | ||
| She was his... | ||
| He's sued for trafficking women and sexual assault. | ||
| Trafficking women? | ||
| The woman was a former model and she was hired by the actor as his executive assistant last February. | ||
| This is on TMZ, so you know it's real. | ||
| Mr. Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian attendants on staff who were available for his sexual desires 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. | ||
| So, apparently... | ||
| One of the assistants quit, and Seagal apparently only rolls with threesomes. | ||
| So he made his assistant start sucking his dick. | ||
| He's like, I need more than one. | ||
| He had two hookers that were working for him 24-7. | ||
| And one of them probably met some rich dude somewhere and got a better job. | ||
| How the fuck does Cigar have that much money? | ||
| He's got a TV show now. | ||
| Yeah, but that's not shit. | ||
| He's making money off that show. | ||
| He's the star. | ||
| I guarantee he makes a few hundred thousand dollars a year for sure off that show. | ||
| Maybe half a million. | ||
| Maybe more because he's a big star. | ||
| He might make a million a year off that show. | ||
| They might have given him a big deal. | ||
| He might make more than a million a year. | ||
| So he's got that. | ||
| Then he's got... | ||
| How many movies did he do? | ||
| He did a lot of goddamn movies. | ||
| He got divorced in 1996. So everything from 1996 until now, it's all his money. | ||
| I bet he's got a lot of money. | ||
| I bet he's got a ton of money. | ||
| His money... | ||
| He just doesn't seem smart with his money. | ||
| He seems like he could spend all his money on ponytail juice. | ||
| Ponytail juice! | ||
| Ponytail juice! | ||
| What does that even mean? | ||
| Conditioner. | ||
| How much is conditioner? | ||
| He's got good conditioner. | ||
| He's still a big star in those foreign movies like straight to video, DVD sales. | ||
| He can still sell a Steven Seagal movie. | ||
| You make it for cheap money and you sell it fairly cheap. | ||
| They air it on cable at 3 o'clock in the morning and they sell them on DVDs. | ||
| There's still some money in that. | ||
| When I was in Abu Dhabi, when you go to Dubai, Dubai is flooded with hookers. | ||
| There's hookers everywhere, there's Russian hookers. | ||
| So, apparently there's a lot of them. | ||
| So it's not outside the realm of possibility that some actor would just hire two of them to be on call 24-7. | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| I mean, look, if that's how you want to roll, I think that's a pimp move. | ||
| I mean, the dude's not even fucking married, right? | ||
| You can't really criticize it. | ||
| I mean, you can criticize the fact that he's hiring prostitutes. | ||
| But let's be honest. | ||
| What the fuck is a lot of rich guys' wives? | ||
| What are they? | ||
| Are they really attracted to him? | ||
| I mean, is Tiger Woods' wife, does she really think he's hot? | ||
| Or does she think he's hot because he's rich? | ||
| How many of them think he's hot because he's rich? | ||
| How many super goofy looking dudes that are multi-billionaires who have these model wives, these super fucking hot wives? | ||
| What's going on there? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Donald Trump. | ||
| You ever see Donald Trump's wife? | ||
| Hot as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, he's a powerful man and all that good stuff and they're attracted to that and security and all that good stuff. | ||
| But at the end of the day, he's rich, they're hot, he's ugly. | ||
| What's going on there? | ||
| I mean, there's a form of prostitution. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| The whole difference is that in sexual prostitution, apparently the idea is that it's not good because there's no love. | ||
| There's no real emotions, no relationship. | ||
| It's just sex for money. | ||
| But what if you date a girl? | ||
| And you actually enjoy her company and you enjoy her time and you like her and you say, listen, you have a shitty job and I have a lot of money. | ||
| How about you quit your job and I pay you $1,000 a week and this is what you have to do. | ||
| You just have to suck my dick anytime I want. | ||
| I mean, you already like to do it anyway, right? | ||
| But let's just make it sort of a job, okay? | ||
| And you'll get a check every week but I don't want to hear any argument from you. | ||
| I think that would be cool for like a year. | ||
| But I think after that, I don't know, man. | ||
| I can see myself doing that if I had a lot of money. | ||
| Women would think that it's demoralizing and it would be the exact opposite of why pay for the cow when the milk is free. | ||
| It would be the exact opposite. | ||
| It would be like, look, I know I'm getting free milk, but I would rather pay for the cow and have that fucking cow give me milk anytime I want with no argument. | ||
| I don't want to get up at four in the morning and go to milk you and you start complaining. | ||
| Listen, I'm going to pay you right now. | ||
| And this is what happens. | ||
| Our relationship now is we're still friends. | ||
| I still love you. | ||
| We're boyfriend and girlfriend. | ||
| But I do whatever I want and you suck my dick whenever I ask. | ||
| Now you have a job. | ||
| Is that prostitute? | ||
| Is that illegal? | ||
| Is that illegal? | ||
| I wouldn't say it's illegal, but I would say that's not. | ||
| But it is illegal. | ||
| If you put on your tax forms, I'm Brian Reichel's paid hooker. | ||
| You go to jail. | ||
| That's illegal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Say if you had a chick... | ||
| You'd just have to do it right. | ||
| You'd have to write it out. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, look, if you had a girl and she was a multi-millionaire, and say if you were a carpenter, okay? | ||
| And you met her and you used to do some shit around her house when you first started dating her, and you do a little carpentry here and there, but you did it for free because you loved her. | ||
| And then all of a sudden she said, listen... | ||
| You don't like your job. | ||
| Why don't you just come for me? | ||
| Work for me. | ||
| You'll be my carpenter and you'll just do whatever I want to do whenever you want. | ||
| But the only difference is now I pay you. | ||
| What is the difference between that and sucking your dick? | ||
| There's very little difference. | ||
| If you have a chick, and she's working for you, and she just gets paid to blow you, but she used to blow you for free, but now she blows you because it's her job, because you pay her. | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| No, especially if you make her dress up in outfits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm not going to be a whore for you! | |
| You're only going to be my only whore. | ||
| I only have one, and it's only you. | ||
| And I don't fuck any other girls either. | ||
| I would hate that. | ||
| What would you hate? | ||
| You know, because I think the purpose, I don't know, my purpose is always finding somebody that would want to fuck me that much without any questions asked. | ||
| And I would want to fuck that person. | ||
| See, this chick likes my logic. | ||
| Eve Pohl, she likes the logic. | ||
| That's a dude. | ||
| Sexuality has been immoralized. | ||
| Yeah, it might be a dude, right? | ||
| Sexuality has been immoralized. | ||
| You know, I went to Wack Off last night. | ||
| It's like this hand. | ||
| It was like 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| My wife is super pregnant right now and I can't fuck her. | ||
| Do it on her belly! | ||
| I mean, I do if she asks, but I don't want to impose myself on her. | ||
| I feel rude. | ||
| I mean, she's all pregnant. | ||
| She's ready to pop. | ||
| And so anyway, I'm making excuses for how I beat off. | ||
| I beat off. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| But that's the reality of it. | ||
| I really do feel bad. | ||
| Anyway, I go online to go look at some porn and everything on one of my favorite sites is all fucking spitting in the mouth and gagging and girls getting their faces fucked where they're like halfway throwing up. | ||
| I hate that shit. | ||
| Tears are coming out of their eyes and the guy's smacking her in the face with his dick and he's like, you like your dick? | ||
| You like your dick? | ||
| She's like, fuck my face! | ||
| Fuck my face! | ||
| And he's like, fuck her. | ||
| Like spit and slobber. | ||
| She's coughing and spits coming out. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, I don't like this. | ||
| This is not fun. | ||
| And then in the same series, like there was another girl, or the same girl rather, you know, they have like a bunch of videos about this girl. | ||
| There's Sasha Gray, who was the girl. | ||
| Another one, these guys are just violently fucking her ass. | ||
| And then shoving it in her mouth and violently fucking her ass. | ||
| And I'm looking at this and I'm like, what is going on? | ||
| Like, who is liking all this, like, mad dog porn? | ||
| It's like you got mad dog bitches in porn now. | ||
| Nobody just fucks anymore. | ||
| It used to be, you know, a guy orders a pizza and the chick shows up delivering the pizza and she needs to get changed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate that shit. | |
| And she drops a dollar and she picks it up and the guy says, nice. | ||
| And the girl says, you think so? | ||
| Well, you see the whole thing. | ||
| Then she pulls her pants down. | ||
| Next thing you know, they're boning. | ||
| That's the good old days. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| That's good times. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Mouth-fucking, tears rolling down people's face, spitting in people's mouths, two dicks and assholes. | ||
| You know what's hilarious is that I've never seen a porn website where it's just like, it's people making love. | ||
| It's like them going on a date and just being passionate and stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah, there's no kissing. | ||
| There's no teasing. | ||
| It's all just, fuck. | ||
| One girl had two guys fucking her asshole. | ||
| One guy was on top, he was squatting on top, and the other guy was laying on his back, and his dick was in, and the other guy was in, and it's like that joke that I say about, like, you're not even having sex with a woman at that point. | ||
| You're just using her vagina as a container so that you can rub dicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that. | |
| I mean, that is really what they were doing. | ||
| They're like, their two dicks, her butthole was a holder, and For dicks. | ||
| And they're rubbing dicks while they're plowing this girl's asshole. | ||
| I mean, think about two dicks. | ||
| Even, like, two average-sized dicks. | ||
| That's stretching your butthole out to, like, that big. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Who wants to see that? | ||
| No one wants that. | ||
| And then the other guy's spitting in her mouth and they're fucking her mouth. | ||
| I'm like, Jesus. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Sasha Gray gets smacked in the face a lot, too. | ||
| Just SMACK! See, I'm done with all that kind of shit. | ||
| I like homemade stuff. | ||
| I think we've talked about this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You like thinking that that's really you and this girl's really blowing you. | ||
| Or it's just real. | ||
| I want to see people having real sex. | ||
| Yeah, they're really attracted to each other. | ||
| Yeah, they're having real orgasms. | ||
| They're really moaning because they're moaning. | ||
| Yeah, there's definitely something to that, man. | ||
| Paying for it. | ||
| And apparently, the porn business is rough now because of the fact that all this shit's online. | ||
| It's very difficult to get money for porn. | ||
| So these girls get tricked. | ||
| It's just like how you hear about the workers in Dubai where they entice them to come to Dubai by saying you're going to get all this money. | ||
| They take them from India and third world countries and they basically say you're going to make X amount of dollars per month. | ||
| You'll be able to send money back home to your family. | ||
| Everybody's going to be happy. | ||
| We just come out here and you've got to get a passport and pay for this and pay for that. | ||
| So they do all this. | ||
| They get out there. | ||
| And then once they get out there, they take their passport and they give them a fraction of the money. | ||
| What these girls do is they recruit these girls and say, Listen, it's just going to be you and the guy. | ||
| You'll get to pick the guy. | ||
| It'll be so hot. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| No one's going to see it. | ||
| We'll pay you $1,500. | ||
| And for a chick who's fucking broke and desperate and probably... | ||
| She's not the best thinker in the world anyway. | ||
| She's not making the best decisions with her life. | ||
| And some guy offers her $1,500 to fuck some cute guy. | ||
| She's like, whatever. | ||
| Alright, I'll do it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Who's going to know? | ||
| Who's going to know? | ||
| She figures, I'm just going to go there. | ||
| I'm going to take care of them. | ||
| I'm going to keep them from repossessing my car. | ||
| I'm going to pay my rent off. | ||
| And I'll have a couple hundred bucks left over. | ||
| Alright, let's do it. | ||
| So she gets there, and there was a whole series about this on television, that they made her do double anal. | ||
| Once she got there, they said, no, we don't want regular sex. | ||
| This is what happens. | ||
| Two guys have to fuck your asshole, and we'll give you $1,500. | ||
| Otherwise, we don't have work for you. | ||
| No condom. | ||
| So she wound up getting HIV. So she does one film. | ||
| She comes from Nebraska. | ||
| She does one film. | ||
| They make her do double anal. | ||
| Two fucking pigs nut inside her asshole who probably fucked a hundred chicks that day. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And they give her HIV. They're probably shooting heroin up in the bathroom together. | ||
| Sucking each other's cocks to get them hard. | ||
| And they stuff it in her asshole. | ||
| By the way, I wanted to mention something you talked about last week in your secret podcast. | ||
| I wanted to tell you that Brokeback Mountain was a huge success. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't know that. | ||
| I think as a comedy, right? | ||
| No, I mean money-wise. | ||
| Yeah, but as a comedy. | ||
| People enjoyed it. | ||
| It was sad. | ||
| I'll be honest. | ||
| At the end of Brokeback Mountain, when the guy found out the other guy was beaten to death, it was sad. | ||
| I never saw it. | ||
| I will never watch that. | ||
| You won't watch it. | ||
| Why don't you just watch it and put little kittens over the guy's buttholes and faces when they're kissing. | ||
| Just like you always do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| There's some shit that I won't watch. | ||
| I won't watch any more beheadings. | ||
| There's a new beheading one online. | ||
| Have you seen that new one? | ||
| I watched it for a second and they started cutting the dude's head off and I said, alright, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
| Why am I watching this? | ||
| I'm done with that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's no need to be watching any of that shit. | ||
| I never even watched that Iraq shooting thing either. | ||
| Oh, that's the other thing I wanted to talk about is fake kung fu. | ||
| Yeah, you need to bring that back. | ||
| You didn't watch the Iraq shooting thing? | ||
| No, you need to bring that back though. | ||
| Yeah, I need to write it out. | ||
| That's what I need to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't even remember how I did it. | ||
| I'll just redo it. | ||
| But the Iraq shooting thing you didn't watch? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What we were talking about is collateral murder. | ||
| We talked about this before. | ||
| They mistakenly thought that these reporters and civilians in Iraq were insurgents and they killed them. | ||
| It's all gun camera footage and it's very disturbing. | ||
| It's disturbing how much they're into it. | ||
| It's disturbing how easy it is to just think that anybody's your enemy when you're over there in the fucking war and the chaos. | ||
| It's scary shit, man. | ||
| It's scary shit that we're there in the first place, but it's really scary shit to think that people could just be walking with cameras and they mistake those cameras for guns just from the sky with Apache helicopters. | ||
| Just fucking light them up with 50 caliber guns. | ||
| I'm done with that shit and anything that's based off three men and a baby, like three guys and a hammer. | ||
| Is that what it's based on? | ||
| Two girls in a cup is what it's based on. | ||
| No, you're right, man. | ||
| The problem is the internet really can not only desensitize you, but really change your world. | ||
| There's 300 million fucking people in this country. | ||
| That is an insane amount of people. | ||
| And if you think about every story that you hear about some priest who's fucking kids or some serial killer who's killing women or They're all horrible and terrible, but the reality is most people are pretty cool. | ||
| There's 300 million of us. | ||
| There's so much information that literally you find out every single fucking story any time that anything goes down. | ||
| That's never been the case. | ||
| In the 1950s, you had to be Ed Gein. | ||
| You had to be wearing women as fucking dresses. | ||
| You had to be cutting them up and putting their skin on. | ||
| You had to make the front fucking page of the New York Times like every day for a week. | ||
| For everyone to know who you are and everyone to know your story. | ||
| The Ted Bundy case, that's another example. | ||
| The Night Stalker, where they couldn't catch this guy and they don't know what he's doing. | ||
| The Zodiac Killer, they never caught him. | ||
| Those stories, that's the only way those stories became huge. | ||
| They had to be so catastrophically fucked up. | ||
| But now we hear about all of them. | ||
| We hear about two teachers this week got arrested for fucking kids. | ||
| Two teachers. | ||
| Two different teachers. | ||
| Both pretty decent looking chicks. | ||
| One of them was fucking a 16 year old. | ||
| She got arrested for a 16 year old. | ||
| How the fuck can you arrest a chick for fucking a 16 year old? | ||
| That shit happened to me though. | ||
| When I was a kid, three of our teachers had sex. | ||
| One was a guy and two were girls. | ||
| When I was in high school, my Spanish teacher fucked one of my friends. | ||
| A female friend of mine. | ||
| You know what the funniest thing is? | ||
| I remember my science teacher, sixth grade. | ||
| I had a book underneath my desk. | ||
| I was reading the book while she was teaching. | ||
| And she goes, Brian, you have two heads. | ||
| Only one can read. | ||
| And I'm like, huh? | ||
| Okay, whatever that means. | ||
| But then I look back at it, I'm like, oh my gosh, he's talking about my dickhead. | ||
| I'm like, I'm in sixth grade. | ||
| What the fuck is that shit? | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of crazy bitch. | ||
| Miss Singleton, Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| You fucking whore. | ||
| What are you, 12? | ||
| How old were you then? | ||
| 12? | ||
|
unidentified
|
6th grade? | |
| Something like that. | ||
| 6th grade is like 12, right? | ||
| Miss Singleton now. | ||
| And then Mr. Phillips, you were my gym teacher. | ||
| You fucked half my friends. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and he got arrested. | ||
| The gym teacher fucked half your friends? | ||
| Boys or girls? | ||
| Mostly boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What?! | |
| Wait a minute! | ||
| Moving closer! | ||
| Move in closer for this one. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| Tell the whole goddamn story. | ||
| Start from scratch. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Mr. Phillips. | ||
| And he's in jail? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Everyone was always talking about it in elementary school. | ||
| Like, uh-oh, don't let Mr. Phillips get near you. | ||
| He fucked so-and-so. | ||
| He fucked so-and-so before he even got caught. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there was times where he would come up behind you and spank you on the butt and be like, oh, you just got touched. | ||
| So he was fucking a bunch of kids before he ever got caught? | ||
| We all knew about it. | ||
| He never got caught. | ||
| How did he not get caught? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And then one day he got caught and then there was this one kid that we thought it was the one that squealed or something like that. | ||
| And then he was just gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Squealed? | |
| He was just gone. | ||
| And it was so weird. | ||
| It's like, I don't know, like five years later, I was working at Toys R Us, and he came in with like a whole family. | ||
| And you just like wanted to say, hey, you fucked my friends. | ||
| What's up, Mr. Phillips? | ||
| He came into Toys R Us? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| With his family? | ||
| With his family. | ||
| Kids and family. | ||
| And I just wanted to be like, hey, you know your husband? | ||
| So how did he not go to jail? | ||
| I don't know what ever happened. | ||
| I barely remember seeing it in the papers and stuff like that. | ||
| But even if he went to jail, he got out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So he fucked. | ||
| How many kids do you think he fucked? | ||
| I would say there was three that I thought for sure. | ||
| Three that you thought for sure. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to say their names. | ||
| But everybody talked about it. | ||
| Oh yeah, all of us knew about it. | ||
| It was like a joke growing up. | ||
| Even other teachers knew the word, we call him Mr. Fill Me Up Phillips. | ||
| Fill Me Up Phillips? | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| Brookside Elementary School. | ||
| How old were you guys? | ||
| Elementary School. | ||
| I remember it was like 5th grade, maybe 6th grade. | ||
| Oh, so you were like 11, 10, something like that. | ||
| Your teacher was fucking 10-year-old boys in the ass. | ||
| Yeah, and then we had a study home. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Then we had a study hall monitor named Mrs. Hughes that used to just fuck everybody too. | ||
| But she was hot. | ||
| She was hot. | ||
| I was mad because I wouldn't fuck her. | ||
| How old was this? | ||
| Middle school was like 8th grade, 7th grade. | ||
| And she was fucking 8th graders? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I remember I was pissed because I was like jealous of the other guys who I fucked her. | ||
| And I'm like, I want to fuck that girl! | ||
| Saving up my lunch money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really funny how that works, isn't it? | |
| Before the internet, shit like that would happen and nobody would hear about it. | ||
| They could fire the person and stop the scandal before it ever hit the school and no big deal. | ||
| People just throw it up on their Facebook. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My teacher fucked me. | |
| Yo, I got fucked in the ass by Mr. Phillips. | ||
| Here's a photo and video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, you take fucking video and photo while it's happening. | ||
| If someone's crazy enough to let you, you know, for a teacher who's crazy enough to fuck you, she's crazy enough to film it while she's fucking you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, that bitch is crazy. | ||
| I'm 35, person asking. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a crazy goddamn story. | ||
| I never got molested by a kid, but I came close twice. | ||
| On two separate occasions, I almost got molested. | ||
| One, when I was eight years old, I was at the library, and I used to like monster books. | ||
| I used to like reading Dracula and Frankenstein shit. | ||
| And so I'm in this library section, and I'm reading all these books. | ||
| I'm looking for these books. | ||
| And this guy says, do you like books on monsters? | ||
| And I said, yeah, that's my favorite. | ||
| I'm like, you're fucking eight years old, right? | ||
| I don't know that there's bad people yet. | ||
| I haven't really figured that out. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And the guy says, I've got a bunch of monster books out in my car. | ||
| And I said, wow, really? | ||
| He goes, yeah, come on with me. | ||
| I'll show you some monster books. | ||
| I go, oh, okay. | ||
| That's why you hate monsters, right? | ||
| I start leaving. | ||
| No, I still love monster movies, man. | ||
| I start leaving, and as I'm walking out the door with this guy, the fucking librarian starts screaming. | ||
| She goes, Joseph, Joseph, you get over here. | ||
| She knew me because I'd go to the library all the time. | ||
| She was like, Joseph, get over here. | ||
| Get over here. | ||
| That man just got out of jail. | ||
| And so the guy runs. | ||
| The guy runs. | ||
| He runs towards the gorge. | ||
| She goes, I'm going to call the police. | ||
| And so I run over to the librarian. | ||
| I'm fucking crying and freaking out. | ||
| The crazy thing is, my mom doesn't even remember this. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, my mom's kind of a knucklehead. | ||
| And when it comes to that, like my childhood, like I can't believe she doesn't remember this. | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| How the fuck do you not remember the most horrific moment of my childhood? | ||
| Where I feel like if that librarian wasn't there at that moment, if I didn't have a relationship with her, where I talked to her every time I was there, like she looked over after me because she was a nice lady. | ||
| If that didn't happen, if she was some absent-minded person or just wasn't looking or didn't know and didn't know who I was or who that guy was, I would have got fucked in the ass. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I might have got killed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I might have got killed because if this guy just got out of jail, he's probably tired of tattletaling kids and their bullshit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So he probably would have fucked me and killed me. | ||
| You know that company that has that thing that old people wear to like, help, I've fallen and I can't get up? | ||
| They should make that for kids. | ||
| Like, help, I'm getting fucked and I can't draw. | ||
| They should, but kids are fucking liars, man. | ||
| I'm getting fucked up! | ||
| Yeah, you didn't care about me! | ||
| Well, that's why I should be attached to, like, Boy Scouts or something. | ||
| Like, Boy Scouts would come rescue you instead of police or something. | ||
| Boy Scouts would fuck you quicker than anybody. | ||
| That'd be the first one I see. | ||
| Yeah, nobody... | ||
| Yeah, let me see. | ||
| Was he fucking you like this? | ||
| Boy Scouts would fuck you just because you lied about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah. | |
| You let dicks in your ass... | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Yeah, maybe there would be like a little camera and microphone so that cop would be like, oh, you are getting fucked. | ||
| We'll send somebody right over. | ||
| No, I think GPS tracking is a good idea for kids. | ||
| You know, but I mean, that's like the slippery slope. | ||
| The problem is you put a chip in your kid so you can find out where they are. | ||
| Well, they already have those phones, you know, there's Verizon. | ||
| Yeah, they have those. | ||
| Yeah, but phones, there's a big difference between phones and a chip in your skin. | ||
| I mean, like a dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a dog. | |
| A dog has a chip. | ||
| I think it's only if he goes to the vet. | ||
| If they pick him up at the pound, the pound can scan him and the chip has a number to call. | ||
| But there's people that want to put GPS chips in their kids so they can follow their kids. | ||
| That's retarded. | ||
| It isn't though, man. | ||
| If your kid's missing, it's not retarded. | ||
| But the slippery slope is, who else is following you? | ||
| The fucking government? | ||
| Anybody else? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Black helicopters! | |
| Black helicopters! | ||
| You always hear about dudes who, like, attach GPS to their chick's car because they're stalking them. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Next to them. | ||
| Yeah, and they follow them. | ||
| They follow them around. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you know. | ||
| It's a slippery slope because... | ||
| The connectivity is unavoidable. | ||
| It's unavoidable that eventually there will be no secrets. | ||
| I really believe it. | ||
| We've talked about this before. | ||
| I think that eventually we're going to be able to read each other's minds. | ||
| We're going to be able to access all the information in the whole world, not just on your phone, not just through a computer interface, but you're going to be able to neurally access all this shit. | ||
| And that includes other people's thoughts. | ||
| You're going to have to share your thoughts into the wave. | ||
| It sounds completely ridiculous. | ||
| It sounds like total stoner talk. | ||
| But I don't think it sounds nearly as ridiculous as the things we already have, like the fucking Large Hadron Collider or cell phones or the ability to talk to somebody on the other side of the world. | ||
| That's just as ridiculous to me. | ||
| I mean, it's all ridiculous. | ||
| Sending pictures through the air. | ||
| High-speed video. | ||
| You can download. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I got Wi-Fi. | ||
| I sit on my laptop. | ||
| I can download, like the iPad. | ||
| You can download a movie in a couple minutes. | ||
| You can stream it. | ||
| Stream a movie live. | ||
| I mean, what the fuck? | ||
| You can just go to Netflix, pick a movie in high definition, load it up, it plays. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| There's the movie. | ||
| You're getting it from the ether. | ||
| You're getting a fucking full movie. | ||
| You put your headphones on. | ||
| It's in stereo. | ||
| And you're getting it from the sky. | ||
| That's insanity. | ||
| And that is just the beginning. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| If you look at the trend, the number one trend is connectivity and the instant access to information or the more quicker access to information or more access to information. | ||
| That's the trend. | ||
| It used to be libraries, and then it was the internet, and now it's the internet on your phone, and then what else is next? | ||
| What's going to come next? | ||
| It's going to be quicker, easier, faster, more information. | ||
| Like that search engine where you can just ask it questions and it comes up with the answer. | ||
| What is that search engine called? | ||
| No, there's a new one that they're working on. | ||
| I'll find it on here. | ||
| I saved it on Evernote, but they called it the Google Killer. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| No, it's going to be the best. | ||
| We already talked about it. | ||
| But the visual search is, I think, what's going to be big. | ||
| Visual search? | ||
| Yeah, where you just take a picture of something and it will Google search what it is, everything about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So if you see a... | |
| I don't know if you see a tennis shoe on the ground. | ||
| You can take a picture of it and it will tell you what model of tennis shoe that is, where it's sold, how much it is. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| Wolfram Alpha is the new thing. | ||
| W-O-L-F-R-A-M Alpha. | ||
| And what it is, is this thing that these guys have been putting together for a while. | ||
| It's not totally done yet. | ||
| But the idea is that this is going to be able to answer any question you have. | ||
| That really is the future. | ||
| They'll take the entire database of science, the entire database of archaeology, history, everything else, mathematics, and literally put it into some sort of a search engine where you'll be able to ask the question. | ||
| What year was the first car invented? | ||
| What year was the first combustion engine created? | ||
| When did they figure out that you could turn oil from the ground into gasoline? | ||
| How did they do it? | ||
| Who was the guy? | ||
| That shit's all gonna happen, man. | ||
| You're gonna be able to get any answer to any question. | ||
| You'll literally never have to go to school again. | ||
| I can't wait to the part where I can go through my old photos from when I was like five years old, hold it up to my webcam, and they go, here's their Facebook. | ||
| They now do this. | ||
| They look at this. | ||
| Because there are so many people that I lost touch with, and I don't know their name. | ||
| Do you think you do that if they were babies? | ||
| What if it's a baby? | ||
| Oh, you can totally do that. | ||
| You're going to totally be able to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| 100%. | ||
| Assume how the baby grows up. | ||
| 100% 10 years or less. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| Yeah, I think you're probably right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What's your fucking question? | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| Ned Carlos Mencia is a homo and needs to send his fans to space with the other monkeys. | ||
| Alright, buddy. | ||
| Settle the fuck down. | ||
| Settle down. | ||
| You freak. | ||
| What is this guy saying? | ||
| You hate Mencia for stealing jokes, but you stole that T-Rex joke, hypocrite. | ||
| I didn't steal shit, Steven. | ||
| T-Rex joke? | ||
| Someone said that there was another guy who has a joke about T-Rex not being able to jerk off. | ||
| Wow, how obvious is this that he can't jerk off? | ||
| Not the greatest connection in the world, but when you have small arms and you can't grab your own dick, You know, anybody can come up with that conclusion. | ||
| But what I had it in is a whole series of things about masturbation, how masturbation is evolutionary. | ||
| And my joke was that's why the T-Rex didn't evolve because it couldn't jerk off. | ||
| 100% my own, okay? | ||
| And there's a thing called parallel thinking. | ||
| The difference between me and a guy like Mencia, or most comics and a guy like Mencia is, most comics, like Dave Attell is famous for, he comes up with a joke, he'll call like a bunch of people and say, hey, have you ever heard this before? | ||
| Have you ever heard this before? | ||
| Because sometimes guys come up with jokes and even though you came up with it on your own, you don't know whether or not anybody else has come up with it before. | ||
| It's very possible. | ||
| It's called parallel thinking. | ||
| But the difference between that and a guy like Mencia or Robin Williams or any of these other guys that have been accused of doing it over and over again is there's so many fucking pieces of evidence. | ||
| So many times people have said it. | ||
| So many people know bits that they've ripped off. | ||
| And with a guy like Robin Williams, they used to have it set up where there was special lights when he would come to the room. | ||
| People would flash lights to make sure that the comics on stage knew that he was in the room. | ||
| When I was in Boston at the Catch Rising Star in Cambridge, Robin Williams came and I remember this because I was really raw. | ||
| I was like an open mic. | ||
| I'd only been doing comedy like not even a year. | ||
| You got a piss? | ||
| And Robin Williams came into the club and there was all these comics that were like big name Boston comics. | ||
| I think one of them was, you know what, I don't want to say names because I'm just guessing. | ||
| But there was a bunch of Boston headliners in the room and none of them would go on stage. | ||
| They wouldn't go on stage because they knew that he was in there and that if they did a good bit on that stage, and they were local guys, they were local headliners, but they were just local guys. | ||
| And this was before the internet, this was before anything. | ||
| He would just go on The Tonight Show the next night, do their bit, and that bit was dead. | ||
| They could never do it again. | ||
| So it was a totally different era back then, but... | ||
| There's parallel thinking. | ||
| There's things that I've thought of before. | ||
| There's things that other people have thought of before that I've already done. | ||
| I've had friends do a bit. | ||
| I know they didn't steal it from me, but I have to tell them, hey, that's on my first album. | ||
| The same exact sort of connection that you just made. | ||
| Bobby Slayton and I, who Bobby's a buddy of mine, but we both had a joke. | ||
| I mean, it's the same connection about blowjobs. | ||
| Mine was on my 1999 CD. I don't know when his was. | ||
| But he said to me, like, wow, we have like a similar joke. | ||
| And the joke was about blowjobs that blowjobs are a job. | ||
| That's why it implies like jerking off. | ||
| See, my joke was that jerking off sounds like it's no big deal. | ||
| It's like you just, you know, you just quit at any minute. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| Eh, I was just jerking off. | ||
| Like, no big deal. | ||
| You want to eat? | ||
| I'll just stop. | ||
| But a blowjob sounds like there's much more commitment. | ||
| Like it's a job. | ||
| Like it implies a work ethic. | ||
| But that like jerking off, there's way more commitment involved in jerking off than blowjobs. | ||
| Because chicks will quit blowjobs all the time. | ||
| Girls will quit. | ||
| Their mouth gets tired. | ||
| They don't want to do it anymore. | ||
| But no dude quits while jerking off. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's true. | ||
| You'll fucking finish that thing. | ||
| I have had like a half-hard dick and be like holding my breath and squeezing my balls, trying to do anything to figure out a way to just get it over with. | ||
| And then once you come, you just feel so goddamn pathetic. | ||
| But there's a lot of commitment involved in jerking off. | ||
| For whatever reason. | ||
| Like, that shit wants to get out of your body. | ||
| But I never for a second thought that Bobby stole the bit. | ||
| And he didn't think that I stole the bit. | ||
| It's like, it's kind of obvious. | ||
| Blow job. | ||
| You know, it's not the most clever connection between it being a job. | ||
| You know, I mean, it's right there. | ||
| It's in the fucking name. | ||
| The problem with I have is like when, like that T-Rex thing, that's just something that... | ||
| There's a cartoon! | ||
| Well, it's like Toy Story. | ||
| They had jokes about that. | ||
| I mean, that's just the dumbest thing. | ||
| It's just obvious. | ||
| Whatever, that's just somebody trolling, I think. | ||
| No, he's not trolling. | ||
| He's probably just stupid. | ||
| Or he's just young and he doesn't know. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| Look, you know, people... | ||
| People have questions about the way comedy works, and whenever someone is so outspoken about plagiarism, like I have been and you have been with that whole Mencia thing, you know, not like we set out to do that, not like we set out to be the guys that are speaking up against comedy plagiarism, but let me tell you how many fucking comedians were happy that that happened. | ||
| I mean, I can't tell. | ||
| I just got a text message from Christopher Titus today. | ||
| Christopher Titus, who's a friend of mine, just sent me a text today, and Christopher is a very funny comic, And he sent me a text today saying that he says, hey man, you were on NPR today. | ||
| They played the whole Carlos thing and had two lawyers on talking about how comedians protect our material. | ||
| Great job changing the world. | ||
| Keep the flow. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I need to get a copy of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is a comic show. | ||
| And it's not just him. | ||
| I mean, Louis C.K. said the same thing. | ||
| You know, Brian Posehn came up and hugged me and said, thank God for you, Joe Rogan. | ||
| I mean, I can't. | ||
| Todd Glass came up to me and said it was the greatest thing he'd ever seen in his life. | ||
| I can't tell you how many comics have said this. | ||
| We had a real problem for a long time. | ||
| And the real problem is that these networks can make money from guys stealing. | ||
| If guys are good performers and they wind up stealing people's shit, they can make a lot of money. | ||
| And for comics, literally, it takes a long ass time to create a bit. | ||
| A bit like... | ||
| My bit about the Tigers killing the kid at the zoo in San Francisco, the one that made it onto my last special, that bit took a long time to get right. | ||
| There was a lot of shit involved. | ||
| It went back and forth, it changed, it morphed, it got bigger, it got smaller. | ||
| It took a long time before I came up with the version that got onto television. | ||
| It was a lot of work. | ||
| Somebody could have easily come in Jacked my idea, jacked my premise, jacked the whole way I structured it, set it up, and just taken it for their own, and literally it's stealing. | ||
| They put it on television, and now I can't do it anymore. | ||
| Because now if I do it, you know, like, when Mencia steals stuff, he steals it, like, word for word. | ||
| You know, oftentimes. | ||
| So, like, these poor fucks, like, they're bits gone. | ||
| It's like, they got stole. | ||
| They got stolen. | ||
| Somebody took their shit. | ||
| That's been a gigantic problem for us. | ||
| You know, we didn't set out to be the ones to try to put a fork in that and stop it. | ||
| But something had to happen, and it did. | ||
| And it just so happens that it was us. | ||
| It's just synchronicity. | ||
| Just the way the world works, you know? | ||
| But, um, I can understand why someone would want to, like, scrutinize me extra carefully because of that. | ||
| I mean, it only makes sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Put red bands balls to your mouth, please. | ||
| You know what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is a fucking rude, rude request. | |
| Dude, there's this comic named Brian Jarvis. | ||
| I don't know if you ever heard him. | ||
| He has the best thing joke ever. | ||
| For some reason, comics all like to show their dicks to each other. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But he has this thing where he'll put his dick... | ||
| Coming out of the top of his pants, like right here. | ||
| So just his head sticking out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he'll be like, dude, I fucking slammed my belly button in my door. | |
| Look at it. | ||
| And you're like, belly button door? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you look at it and you're like, whoa, wait, that's your dick! | |
| Well, that's the kind of shit that dudes do all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that shit. | |
| I mean, I hate that shit, but I love how comics are so committed to showing their dicks. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Did George Lopez steal a bit from Ari? | ||
| No, I don't think he did. | ||
| I think the thing that happened with the George Lopez thing was that it was a pretty obvious bit. | ||
| The thing with the Ari thing about the wall, that's a fucking obvious joke, man. | ||
| And these dudes who do Mexican material and illegal alien material like Lopez, his act is very funny, but a lot of it is Latino stuff. | ||
| He's going to think like that. | ||
| George has never been accused of being a thief before that. | ||
| Not that I'm aware of. | ||
| He's not a thief. | ||
| That's just an obvious joke. | ||
| There was like five comics that did that joke. | ||
| But the Mencia thing... | ||
| Mencia... | ||
| Not only did Ari open for him and do that bit and he saw it and commented on how he thought it was funny... | ||
| But that dumb fuck did the same mannerisms that Ari did. | ||
| Yeah, he like went up there. | ||
| Just the whole thing, um, excuse me. | ||
| That's how Ari does it. | ||
| And he's so dumb, he does it the exact same way. | ||
| In our video, he even like said, he never opened up for me. | ||
| And then like three seconds later, he what? | ||
| Oh, you forgot? | ||
| I mean, he just lies throughout that whole video. | ||
| Well, he lies about everything. | ||
| He still sometimes says he's Mexican. | ||
| Why are we talking about Messiah? | ||
| Yeah, there's no need to talk about him. | ||
| Poor guy. | ||
| Poor guy. | ||
| But some people still get caught up in it. | ||
| You know, look, there's always going to be retards. | ||
| There's always going to be dumbfuckers. | ||
| There's always going to be joke thieves, too. | ||
| There's always going to be everything, man. | ||
| There's always going to be people who enjoy stupid shit. | ||
| There's always going to be people who think Nancy is hilarious and I suck. | ||
| That's all good, man. | ||
| It's a fucking big world, you know? | ||
| Like what you like. | ||
| Who gives a fuck, son? | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| We're at 5 minutes and 13 seconds, which means we just ate through 2 hours. | ||
| So that's more than enough. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's more than enough. | ||
| Look, there's all this comedy stuff. | ||
| You know, go listen. | ||
| You want to hear some, instead of all this negative stuff, Carlos Mencia rules. | ||
| He rules your mother. | ||
| This is what I think. | ||
| There's great comics right now. | ||
| This is one of the best times ever for stand-up comedy. | ||
| There's so many good guys. | ||
| There's Bill Burr, who's a hilarious comic. | ||
| If you've never heard his stuff before, I did that Kevin and Bean April Foolishness show with him a couple weekends ago. | ||
| Fucking dude is fantastic. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| There's Patton Oswalt, who's one of my favorites. | ||
| He's goddamn hilarious. | ||
| All of his CDs are great. | ||
| Just an awesome writer. | ||
| Stan Hope. | ||
| Of course, you know, he's a classic. | ||
| Jim Norton. | ||
| Jim Norton, hilarious. | ||
| Louis C.K., of course. | ||
| There's so many good comics now. | ||
| Now, instead of thinking negative about guys to steal and bullshit and the problems with this and that, the positive thing is there's so much good comedy now. | ||
| There's so many good comedians. | ||
| And if you like my shit, my new thing just came out. | ||
| You can get it. | ||
| It's Talking Monkeys in Space. | ||
| It's on iTunes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can get it on DVD. JoeRogan.net has all the links. | |
| JoeRogan.net has all the links. | ||
| And it's on Amazon. | ||
| And it's number two on iTunes. | ||
| Comedy, bitch. | ||
| Getting my ass kicked by Robin Williams. | ||
| But the point is, there's good stuff now. | ||
| That's what's important. | ||
| Positive. | ||
| Not negative, you fucking faggots. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Thank you very much for tuning in. | ||
| We had a good time. | ||
| Hope we answered all your questions. | ||
| I love you too. | ||
| You rule too, you crazy bitch. | ||
| And all good. | ||
| Thanks. |
Export Selection