Joe Rogan and Brian Redban debate the UFC’s flawed scoring system, like BJ Penn vs. Frankie Edgar (50-45 despite Penn’s dominance), and question judge bias, while critiquing Dubai’s chaotic events and billionaire-backed growth. They contrast MMA’s global appeal with niche sports, reject gimmicks like live bands in fights, and discuss Rogan’s comedy career—Shiny Happy Jihad’s controversial jokes and his discomfort performing in conservative regions. The conversation shifts to porn’s exploitation, HIV risks, and Steven Seagal’s legal troubles, framing wealth as a distorting factor in attraction. Ultimately, they highlight how power reshapes entertainment, ethics, and even humor, leaving Rogan’s Talking Monkeys in Space special as a rare bright spot amid industry debates. [Automatically generated summary]
There's a certain amount of pretense that comes with what you wear.
You know, that's unavoidable.
You know, I dress like I'm fucking 20 years old.
I mean, I'm 42 fucking years old.
I still dress exactly the same I did when I was 20. If you look at my wardrobe when I was 20, and now the only difference is I have more clothes now.
That's it.
And I have a lot of tap-out shit.
But other than that, I fucking dress the same.
There's something about wearing that outfit that they're all in unity, too.
It's like they all recognize, like we're all in this together.
Like we all have the same outfit on.
I mean part of it is like it's got to be bad for like creativity and individuality and stuff like that because one of the reasons why people in America are so creative is because if you want to you could put a lip ring in and fucking shave half your head and paint the other half purple and tattoo your face.
You can do whatever the fuck you want over here and something about that is good for creativity.
To the point I understand but also I've had jobs where I've had to have a uniform in with so much better Having a uniform or wearing the same as everybody else instead of having to pick out a different tie every day and wear a shirt every day for work.
It's so goddamn rigid in what you're supposed to wear and how you're supposed to behave and how you're supposed to dress.
It's like, Jesus fucking Christ.
That's the best way they have of controlling people, really.
It's to make sure that you're always going to wear suits and ties when you go to work and that you can't get into this place because you have a hat on.
I mean, because I can understand where you're in some parts where you're like, oh, that guy might get mad at the other guy because they're in a different gang or something.
One of the funniest things ever, and this is a 100% true story, my ex-fiance and me went to a bar once, and we drove all the way to Oxnard or something like that, And we get there.
It was our friend's birthday.
And they're like, sorry sir, you can't come in.
You don't have a collar on your shirt.
And I'm like wearing a t-shirt.
I'm like, what?
We drove, you know, an hour and a half to get here for our friend's birthday.
And you say I can't come in?
And it was like all the stores around it were closed because it was Oxnard at 9 p.m.
So I went to my car to try to find a shirt and the only thing I could find is my ex-fiancee's shirt.
And it was like a small little tiny collared shirt that she wore for work.
So I was like fat man putting on this shirt.
It wouldn't even fit.
It looked like that old Chris Farley like fat man in a jacket thing.
I couldn't button it up.
And it had a collar, so I put the collar up, and I seriously walked up to the door like this, and I'm like, hi, collar shirt, can I come in?
And they're like, yeah, I guess so.
And they let me in.
So instead of wearing just a gray t-shirt, I now look like a fucking freak walking around the bar going, hey, can I get a Bud Light and stuff?
I re-watched BJ Penn, Frankie Edgar, and I re-watched Anderson Silva and Damien Maia.
And the Frankie Edgar-BJ Penn fight, a lot of controversy on that fight.
One of them is because Doug Crosby, who's a judge, who's a friend of mine, I like him, He scored it 45 to 50, meaning he gave every single round to Frankie Edgar.
When I saw it in person, I was like, look, the kid did...
Fantastic.
He definitely did better than anybody expected.
But the thing is, when you're doing commentary for fights, basically I'm just kind of explaining what's happening, and I'm sort of keeping a tally in my head.
But what I'm concentrating on the most is explaining things, Being entertaining, trying to do good commentary.
Scoring is done silently.
Correct scoring is done silently because you're contemplating what's more valuable.
A lot of it is subjective, but you have to contemplate.
A guy throws a punch and the other guy counters with a leg kick.
Which one was harder?
Who do you give it to?
Some people give the punch to it.
Some people give the leg kick.
And in that case, I could see how it would be closer than I thought it was when I watched it last night.
But when I watched it last night, I thought it was Three rounds to two for BJ Penn.
Either way, it wasn't ridiculous to me that he won.
But 45 to 50 was ridiculous.
And the reason why I say it wasn't as ridiculous is because when I was calculating, when I was watching it, like in the first round, he lands a really nice leg kick at one point.
And then BJ hits him with a punch.
And BJ hit him with a couple other punches during the takedowns.
And he hit B.J. with a few punches and one of them cut him.
So that probably affected people because B.J. had like a little mark under his face.
So sometimes judges look at that and they go, yeah, he got the best of that round just because of a little cut.
Sometimes that affects him.
So, you know, it's so subjective, man.
But then the second round, I was like...
BJ's landing more punches.
They're like landing more.
Frankie's throwing more.
He's moving more.
He's making BJ fight his fight.
He's definitely making BJ chase him.
So you gotta take that into account.
Like, who's doing better there?
Who's got better ring generalship or control of the octagon?
Well, BJ's the one forcing the fight.
He's chasing after him.
But Frankie is really avoiding too much damage.
But I think the cleaner shots were landed by BJ. And then as it got into the later rounds, then it seemed like Frankie...
The only round that was really clear to me was the fourth or the fifth round rather.
The fifth round was clear.
That was all Edgar.
He took him down.
He landed some real good shots.
It was a good round.
It seemed like a round for him where BJ was fading.
Every other round but the fifth was like, man, who fucking knows?
I believe when they say that this fucking witch doctor guy tells him to do this thing, because he explained it to me.
He explained it to me this weekend.
It seems like...
Total malarkey.
It's like, you know, he's telling me there's three mines, there's a mine here, a mine here, and a mine here, and this pressure builds up in a chain and you have to release and you grab here and you press.
You know why that works?
It works if you believe it works.
That's why that works.
And there's a lot of shit like that.
Like, I know a dude who's a chiropractor slash healer.
And a lot of people swear by him.
And the reason why they swear by him is because if you believe that what he's doing is going to heal you, your body has an amazing ability to heal itself.
Negative and positive thinking and negative and positive beliefs about your life are, without a doubt, Self-fulfilling prophecies.
You can decide that your life is awesome and your life becomes awesome.
You can decide that your life sucks.
You can decide that you're healing and you heal.
You can decide that you're not in pain and you won't be in pain.
And you can make pain happen.
Especially when it comes to back shit.
There's real injuries and people get car accidents and fucking jujitsu.
You get your neck cranked.
But there's also people that It's a placebo.
So, anyway, I would like to talk to BJ and find out, was he in shape?
Because he didn't look as good as he usually looks.
I mean, he didn't look fat, but he didn't look as hard as he looked in the Sanchez fight.
In the Sanchez fight, he looked sculpted.
In this fight, he had a little bit of a belly, like a little bit of fat on his waist.
So maybe he had an injury.
Because he also didn't sit down in his stool in between rounds, which I thought was unusual.
The only reason why that was made illegal was because Big John McCarthy, this came straight from his mouth, when he was educating the commission and they were trying to legislate mixed martial arts, the people in these athletic commissions were worried that downward elbows on ESPN at 2 o'clock in the morning can break bricks.
You know, there's fucking karate demonstrations.
So they're like, well, we can't have that because you can hit someone and kill them.
Okay, so you can't do that.
But you can still do this, which is more powerful.
I think this is less powerful than this.
This right here seems to get more weight into it.
It's a more natural motion.
This is pretty strong, but I don't think it's as good as this.
It's like hitting someone on the head like that is not as strong as hitting someone like that.
Like when you turn your body into something, you have more power.
And I think that makes more sense that this elbow, like the elbow that Jon Jones Broke Brandon Vera's eye socket with.
That's that elbow.
That's a legal elbow.
But it's like powerful as fuck.
Why is the other one illegal and this one's legal?
You're not seeing the whole angles and you don't get to see monitors.
Right.
You know, like when you're live, like when I'm doing commentary, I've got two monitors to my right and one to my left.
So there's all sorts of angles.
Like sometimes we're looking at a fight and we're watching it live through the cage and right when some shit goes down, they'll move in front of a barrier or they'll move in front of one of the poles and I can't see shit for a second and then I have to turn to the monitor.
Or they're on the ground and from the angle where I'm at, all I see is one The side of a person's body.
Like, they're on the ground, but they're on the other side of the octagon.
I can't see it, so I have to look to the monitor.
The judges don't get that.
They don't get monitors.
So these guys are just watching the fight as it's happening from the angle that they get.
And, you know, I argued with the fucking athletic commission guy about it, and he's like, well, you know...
This is, you know, that's why we have three judges, so they all have different angles.
Well, no, because you're gonna get one guy who's gonna give a shitty angle.
And when you're there and, you know, fucking, you know, Randy Couture is stepping in to fight Brock Lesnar and the place is going bananas, you know, that's pretty intense, you know.
You can't recreate that at home.
At home it's fun, but when you're there live, you feel like you're a part of history.
Like you feel like you're a part of some wild-ass shit, you know.
When Shogun and Machida fight in Montreal in May, being in that arena, when those two guys step in there for the rematch, that's going to be everyone in the fucking place is going to have goosebumps.
That's going to be nuts, man.
Because they're going to know this is history, man.
These guys went at it for five fucking rounds.
Everybody thought Machida was totally untouchable.
And then most people thought Shogun won the decision.
And now they're going at it again.
And it's live and it's happening right now.
Here we go.
Watching at home is pretty dope.
You know, you get the commentary, you get the replays, you get all the information, but watching it live, there's some special crackle in the air.
Yeah, there was a lot of blood in a couple of the fights.
That was in the Paul Kelly-Matt Veach fight.
Matt Veach had a horrible cut.
He had a couple of them and just splattered.
They were right in front of us and they were beating on each other and just the blood just went flying.
So that's my take on the controversy on the Frankie Edgar BJ Penn fight.
I think Frankie Edgar fought a hell of a fight.
It was a tremendous performance.
I was super impressed with him.
But I'm not exactly sure if I agree with the verdict.
I definitely don't agree with 50-45.
But I thought it was a very close fight.
And obviously I'm not a judge, so who the fuck am I to judge?
And I definitely could see an argument for Frankie winning it.
And like I said, he put on a tremendous fight.
I mean, really impressive.
And definitely won the last round.
So if you look at it in terms of, like we said, that's the way it should be.
The guy who wins the last round wins the fight.
I mean, they've...
They've imposed their will upon each other, and the end result is, after all this time, this guy's dominating the other guy.
Right, right.
Cafeteria rules.
There's another school of thought where you have to take the champion's title, which I don't really agree with.
I think the decision should be clear, but I think you go in neutral.
I think when a guy's a champion, you go in neutral.
You know, you both go in neutral, and if the champion, you know, if you win the decision, you're the new champion.
If he wins the decision, he's the new champion.
It doesn't have to be some crazy domination, you know, because that's what leads to, like, shitty decisions where a guy really does beat the champion, but he only edges him, and then he never gets the nod.
Those are frustrating as fuck, because you think, he did it, I think he did it.
The other problem with the Frankie Edgar fight, this was an interesting point, is that when you're watching a guy who you think is going to get his ass kicked...
A lot of people did.
A lot of people thought Frankie Edgar was going to get, you know, BJ Penn is the greatest lightweight of all time.
Frankie Edgar got beat by Gray Maynard.
They're like, there's no way this guy's going to beat him.
So people think that because he's doing well, he's winning.
Like, wow, he's doing better than I thought he was doing.
So they say, holy shit, he's beating him.
He's beating him.
But when you go back and you watch it, That's why it's so much pressure to be a champion.
So much pressure.
I'll never forget this.
When BJ Penn beat Matt Hughes, I interviewed Matt after the fight and Matt said that he was relieved.
He said, you don't know what it's like To be a champion, and everybody's always gunning after you, he goes, to be honest with you, I'm really relieved.
And I was really like, first of all, I was very impressed with his honesty.
You know, that's a very honest thing to say, you know.
When you just fought, and you're standing there covered in sweat, naked in front of the fucking whole world, you're like, I'm relieved, I just lost.
Now I can catch a breath, you know, relax.
And then he came back and won the title again.
You know, so I think he...
Learn from the experience, but I think it's a tremendous amount of pressure for guys to fight and defend the title, and to always worry about defending the title, especially in something like mixed martial arts.
I mean, it's probably a tremendous amount of pressure if you're a fucking basketball team, you know, defending their world championship, but a fighter, there's always guys coming up that are gunning for you, and every time you watch a UFC, there's some new murderer, Who's head kicking dudes into a fucking coma.
But, you know, when dudes are defending their title, I think there's a lot of emotions at stake.
And I think that's one of the things that people have to take into consideration with this Anderson Silva fight.
You know, Anderson Silva, everybody's angry at him.
And it was a very disappointing fight.
Especially because the first two rounds, he looked like fucking Bruce Lee.
I mean, it was like ridiculous shit.
That flying knee that he hit him with in the first round, you're like, Jesus Christ, he's just going to steamroll this guy.
He's just going to keep doing this until this guy just crumples.
He's just going to keep attacking at will, and he's breaking his dude's will.
It was totally humiliating.
But I think that the emotion of defending the title, the emotion and the pressure of being regarded as the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, I think that's an insane amount of pressure.
I think it's insane.
And I think when Damian Maia said shit to him, like, I'm going to take one of his arms home with me, you know, Henderson got fucking crazy.
So when he was in there after the first round, after he was kicking his ass, in the second round, he just started talking mad shit and yelling at him in Portuguese.
I'm not on the boat that Dane is on and everyone else is on with it because I don't care about the respect thing.
To me, if he can play fucking air guitar in the ring, you're putting him up against somebody that shouldn't be there.
If you put him in with a Brock that's just attacking him where he doesn't have a chance to do all this fun shit in the ring, then that's different than that guy just going to his back every time because he wants to do jiu-jitsu.
First of all, it was a historic UFC. He was the headline fight, and one of the goals, of course, besides winning, winning is the number one goal for a fighter, but the other goal is to entertain.
You have to realize that you're in a partnership with the UFC, and the UFC sells pay-per-view.
And what they sell pay-per-view on is based on how impressive and exciting your performance is.
Yeah, I mean, look, I think there's definitely some worry about that.
I think he definitely was worried about, you know, if he was tired and if he was going to those fourth and fifth rounds, The only thing that makes sense to me is that he moved around because he didn't feel like he could fight at the pace that he fought at before, and when that guy hit him, he said, you know what, this isn't a game.
I could get hurt here.
I could lose, and I would look completely retarded.
Some people say Vitor Belfort, but the problem with Vitor Belfort is Vitor has had some Very uneven performances.
Sometimes he just looks unstoppable.
Like against Rich Franklin, against Vanderlei Silva.
He comes charging out in the first round.
But sometimes against Sakuraba, things don't go his way and he kind of shuts down.
And guys wind up beating his ass.
He broke his hand in the Sakuraba fight early.
And you could see him totally shut down.
And Sakuraba just kicked his ass.
In the Randy Couture fight, same thing.
Randy Couture just broke him.
Got on top of him and just beat him up.
In his first fight with Randy Couture and in his third fight, the second fight stopped really quickly because Randy had a cut on his eyelid and his eyelid opened up like it was split in the middle.
He got glanced with a punch and then Vitor became the champ for one fight.
And then when Randy beat him up in the rematch, Randy got on top of him and just broke him.
You know, Vitor, if guys put a tremendous amount of pressure on him in the past, they've been able to break him.
But the other argument to that is he was going through a tremendous amount of personal problems back then.
He's a different guy now.
His sister had been abducted and kidnapped and killed.
And he was like really devastated for years, you know, and that he's over that now.
And he's very religious and more at peace with himself and more.
Like, in tune.
And his last few performances have been staggering.
Like the Matt Lindland destruction.
He destroyed Matt Lindland.
He looked outstanding.
And then he came to the UFC and destroyed Rich Franklin.
I mean, he looked scary as fuck.
And Anderson, you know, did not want that fight.
They were talking mad shit to each other.
I mean they were you know Anderson's manager was trying to say that Vitor doesn't deserve the title fight like what are you talking about?
He's the scariest motherfucker at 185 besides Anderson.
Of course he deserves it.
I don't think they wanted that fight I think that you know They can talk all the shit they want about him being weak and he breaks mentally.
He comes at you in that first round.
You have to fight him before you break him, okay?
And before you break him, he's throwing light speed fucking barrages of punches like no one else in the business.
He's scary as fuck.
And if he really is a better, more mature person, if he really is more centered now, and he's not going to break, and really is at home with himself, and really his problems in the past were he was going through a lot of emotional and personal problems, but those have actually made him stronger...
If that's the case, everybody's fucked.
Because that guy's a freak.
He's so fucking fast.
He might be the only guy that's faster than Anderson.
He's a counter-striker.
And he's not as long as Anderson, so Anderson would have a little bit of an advantage, a reach advantage.
But goddamn, Vitor is fast as fuck.
He's a super athlete.
John Jones is a freak too.
But John Jones is 205. John Jones can't make 185. What about GSP versus Silva?
My favorite fights are that Japanese dude that's not fighting anymore at the UFC because he lost the last one where he dresses up and he has fun with the opening.
That's what we were talking about before, that when they could replicate people, the first thing they'd do is replicate celebrities so you could fuck them.
Eventually, though, I'm just going to do stand-up.
I don't know when it's going to happen, but Maybe sooner than later.
There are no other ones, you know what I'm saying?
They would have a businessman who would step in and do it.
Meanwhile, Dana is just a nut and a crazy fight fan.
He's the perfect guy for the job.
Literally, you couldn't get a better guy for the job.
But then they took over, but they realized when they took over, once it started taking off after the Ultimate Fighter TV show started airing, They realized that all the sport needed in America was exposure.
And this is a sport that transcends cultural boundaries, languages.
It transcends everything.
Traditions.
Everybody understands fighting.
Nobody's going to watch fucking cricket in America.
You're never going to sell that.
You could try to make people think they're sophisticated if they enjoy soccer.
Or maybe your family's from Latin America, so you like soccer.
These extravaganzas, that's why I hate doing award shows, doing comedy on award shows, because they have all these awards and little clips, and then you do stand-up in the middle of it.
It's like, ugh!
The last time I did that was the Guy's Choice Award for Spike.
It was disastrous.
It was terrible.
Nobody wanted to hear anybody's comedy.
The whole thing was like, they were sitting there for three hours watching some boring-ass award show.
It was like, They wanted to just get the fuck out of there by the time I got on stage.
When I was a kid, I listened to his stand-up because it was raunchy, like he was talking about his dick, and I was seven years old watching HBO. That's the only reason I ever liked him.
If you don't know the story, Mackenzie Phillips' dad fucked her her whole life.
She had a sexual relationship with her dad.
Like, her whole life.
And her dad shot her up with heroin or with cocaine when she was 11. Jesus Christ.
What?
11. And her dad shot her up with coke.
I mean, the whole thing is just...
The most horrific thing you could ever possibly imagine, that someone would do this to their kid and fuck their kid their whole life, had a sexual relationship with their kid, to the point where she told her, like, hey, we could leave, we could go to countries where this is totally acceptable.
Because right now there's a statute of limitations on sexual molestation cases that's like...
I believe it's like 30 years.
So, they're trying to impose...
They're trying to make sure that that sticks.
They want to make sure that they don't change it to no statute of limitations.
Because then...
Anytime someone has a case.
Right now, if the case is more than 30 years old, I think it's 30 years.
Pretty sure.
If the case is more than 30 years old, you have to, if you're going to be a part of a case, you have to be joining with other people that are also inside the case.
So say if someone has a case that's 29 years old and yours is 30 and the same priest fucked you, then you can join in if yours is older.
But if yours is the individual case, they're saying they don't want you to be able to sue.
And people are saying, no, this is crazy.
And meanwhile, the Catholic Church is urging people to vote against this because they're saying that it's an assault on the church.
How is pedophiles, how is shielding pedophiles with a statute of limitations, how is that fucking helping the church?
And how would getting rid of...
Any statute of limitations that would impose a timeline for when you can be prosecuted for a horrible crime against humanity.
I unfacebooked her, and because I unfacebooked her, she's about to have a baby, and she said that I could no longer be an uncle because I unfacebooked her.
We were high one night and I just started singing that.
And it got stuck in everybody's head.
And all night we were just walking around going Tick-tock, I've seen your girl's butthole I can't tell you what the subject, why this came up There's this dude that we know Was dating this girl that does some things Where you might be able to see her butthole Like the whole world could see it It's funny I like that guy.
So they have the new iPhone that comes out in June.
They're going to announce.
There's all this rumor saying it's going to have a front-facing camera with iChat.
So you can do iChat live video on your phone.
So what I think, they're waiting for that rumor, and they're going to release a Bluetooth HD camera that will snap on top of your iTab and do the same thing.
So you can have like a little wireless camera for it.
There was a good whole article on this whole thing on Gizmodo or Gizmondo or whatever it's called.com about celebrities ruining their careers from Twitter and all that stuff because there's too much information getting out about them.
You know what I was watching the UFC next to a guy I just met, was a friend of a friend, but the whole fight, he sounded like a reporter from the 1920s talking to Dick Tracy.
He was like, Sal, what do you think about that, huh?
The government has not only experimented with that, I mean, the Japanese government gave them amphetamines and crystal meth and shit like that, but also steroids.
The United States government has done that in the past.
Soldiers have been told that they have to take certain pills, like you have to take things.
And when you take them and find out it's like Anabar, which is like an oral steroid, makes you super hyper-aggressive, which totally makes sense.
And when guys are juiced up, if guys are all juiced up, they feel like they're invincible.
Your body's all flooded with testosterone.
Gorillas must feel completely invincible.
When you're living in the woods, you're covered in hair, you weigh 800 pounds...
So once all of your fingers are gone, then he's going to look at you and go, now what, bitch?
Now I'm going to eat your asshole.
And he'll dive onto your asshole and claw his way until he gets close to your butthole and you'll be fighting him off, but he's going to keep getting in there.
Women would think that it's demoralizing and it would be the exact opposite of why pay for the cow when the milk is free.
It would be the exact opposite.
It would be like, look, I know I'm getting free milk, but I would rather pay for the cow and have that fucking cow give me milk anytime I want with no argument.
I don't want to get up at four in the morning and go to milk you and you start complaining.
Listen, I'm going to pay you right now.
And this is what happens.
Our relationship now is we're still friends.
I still love you.
We're boyfriend and girlfriend.
But I do whatever I want and you suck my dick whenever I ask.
Yeah, but I mean, look, if you had a girl and she was a multi-millionaire, and say if you were a carpenter, okay?
And you met her and you used to do some shit around her house when you first started dating her, and you do a little carpentry here and there, but you did it for free because you loved her.
And then all of a sudden she said, listen...
You don't like your job.
Why don't you just come for me?
Work for me.
You'll be my carpenter and you'll just do whatever I want to do whenever you want.
But the only difference is now I pay you.
What is the difference between that and sucking your dick?
There's very little difference.
If you have a chick, and she's working for you, and she just gets paid to blow you, but she used to blow you for free, but now she blows you because it's her job, because you pay her.
You know, because I think the purpose, I don't know, my purpose is always finding somebody that would want to fuck me that much without any questions asked.
Anyway, I go online to go look at some porn and everything on one of my favorite sites is all fucking spitting in the mouth and gagging and girls getting their faces fucked where they're like halfway throwing up.
I hate that shit.
Tears are coming out of their eyes and the guy's smacking her in the face with his dick and he's like, you like your dick?
You like your dick?
She's like, fuck my face!
Fuck my face!
And he's like, fuck her.
Like spit and slobber.
She's coughing and spits coming out.
And I'm like, okay, I don't like this.
This is not fun.
And then in the same series, like there was another girl, or the same girl rather, you know, they have like a bunch of videos about this girl.
There's Sasha Gray, who was the girl.
Another one, these guys are just violently fucking her ass.
And then shoving it in her mouth and violently fucking her ass.
And I'm looking at this and I'm like, what is going on?
Like, who is liking all this, like, mad dog porn?
It's like you got mad dog bitches in porn now.
Nobody just fucks anymore.
It used to be, you know, a guy orders a pizza and the chick shows up delivering the pizza and she needs to get changed.
One guy was on top, he was squatting on top, and the other guy was laying on his back, and his dick was in, and the other guy was in, and it's like that joke that I say about, like, you're not even having sex with a woman at that point.
You're just using her vagina as a container so that you can rub dicks.
They mistakenly thought that these reporters and civilians in Iraq were insurgents and they killed them.
It's all gun camera footage and it's very disturbing.
It's disturbing how much they're into it.
It's disturbing how easy it is to just think that anybody's your enemy when you're over there in the fucking war and the chaos.
It's scary shit, man.
It's scary shit that we're there in the first place, but it's really scary shit to think that people could just be walking with cameras and they mistake those cameras for guns just from the sky with Apache helicopters.
The problem is the internet really can not only desensitize you, but really change your world.
There's 300 million fucking people in this country.
That is an insane amount of people.
And if you think about every story that you hear about some priest who's fucking kids or some serial killer who's killing women or They're all horrible and terrible, but the reality is most people are pretty cool.
There's 300 million of us.
There's so much information that literally you find out every single fucking story any time that anything goes down.
That's never been the case.
In the 1950s, you had to be Ed Gein.
You had to be wearing women as fucking dresses.
You had to be cutting them up and putting their skin on.
You had to make the front fucking page of the New York Times like every day for a week.
For everyone to know who you are and everyone to know your story.
The Ted Bundy case, that's another example.
The Night Stalker, where they couldn't catch this guy and they don't know what he's doing.
The Zodiac Killer, they never caught him.
Those stories, that's the only way those stories became huge.
They had to be so catastrophically fucked up.
But now we hear about all of them.
We hear about two teachers this week got arrested for fucking kids.
Two teachers.
Two different teachers.
Both pretty decent looking chicks.
One of them was fucking a 16 year old.
She got arrested for a 16 year old.
How the fuck can you arrest a chick for fucking a 16 year old?
And when it comes to that, like my childhood, like I can't believe she doesn't remember this.
I don't remember that.
How the fuck do you not remember the most horrific moment of my childhood?
Where I feel like if that librarian wasn't there at that moment, if I didn't have a relationship with her, where I talked to her every time I was there, like she looked over after me because she was a nice lady.
If that didn't happen, if she was some absent-minded person or just wasn't looking or didn't know and didn't know who I was or who that guy was, I would have got fucked in the ass.
It's unavoidable that eventually there will be no secrets.
I really believe it.
We've talked about this before.
I think that eventually we're going to be able to read each other's minds.
We're going to be able to access all the information in the whole world, not just on your phone, not just through a computer interface, but you're going to be able to neurally access all this shit.
And that includes other people's thoughts.
You're going to have to share your thoughts into the wave.
It sounds completely ridiculous.
It sounds like total stoner talk.
But I don't think it sounds nearly as ridiculous as the things we already have, like the fucking Large Hadron Collider or cell phones or the ability to talk to somebody on the other side of the world.
That's just as ridiculous to me.
I mean, it's all ridiculous.
Sending pictures through the air.
High-speed video.
You can download.
You know what I mean?
I got Wi-Fi.
I sit on my laptop.
I can download, like the iPad.
You can download a movie in a couple minutes.
You can stream it.
Stream a movie live.
I mean, what the fuck?
You can just go to Netflix, pick a movie in high definition, load it up, it plays.
There it is.
There's the movie.
You're getting it from the ether.
You're getting a fucking full movie.
You put your headphones on.
It's in stereo.
And you're getting it from the sky.
That's insanity.
And that is just the beginning.
It's going to happen.
If you look at the trend, the number one trend is connectivity and the instant access to information or the more quicker access to information or more access to information.
That's the trend.
It used to be libraries, and then it was the internet, and now it's the internet on your phone, and then what else is next?
What's going to come next?
It's going to be quicker, easier, faster, more information.
Like that search engine where you can just ask it questions and it comes up with the answer.
What is that search engine called?
No, there's a new one that they're working on.
I'll find it on here.
I saved it on Evernote, but they called it the Google Killer.
And what it is, is this thing that these guys have been putting together for a while.
It's not totally done yet.
But the idea is that this is going to be able to answer any question you have.
That really is the future.
They'll take the entire database of science, the entire database of archaeology, history, everything else, mathematics, and literally put it into some sort of a search engine where you'll be able to ask the question.
What year was the first car invented?
What year was the first combustion engine created?
When did they figure out that you could turn oil from the ground into gasoline?
How did they do it?
Who was the guy?
That shit's all gonna happen, man.
You're gonna be able to get any answer to any question.
You'll literally never have to go to school again.
I can't wait to the part where I can go through my old photos from when I was like five years old, hold it up to my webcam, and they go, here's their Facebook.
They now do this.
They look at this.
Because there are so many people that I lost touch with, and I don't know their name.
Not the greatest connection in the world, but when you have small arms and you can't grab your own dick, You know, anybody can come up with that conclusion.
But what I had it in is a whole series of things about masturbation, how masturbation is evolutionary.
And my joke was that's why the T-Rex didn't evolve because it couldn't jerk off.
100% my own, okay?
And there's a thing called parallel thinking.
The difference between me and a guy like Mencia, or most comics and a guy like Mencia is, most comics, like Dave Attell is famous for, he comes up with a joke, he'll call like a bunch of people and say, hey, have you ever heard this before?
Have you ever heard this before?
Because sometimes guys come up with jokes and even though you came up with it on your own, you don't know whether or not anybody else has come up with it before.
It's very possible.
It's called parallel thinking.
But the difference between that and a guy like Mencia or Robin Williams or any of these other guys that have been accused of doing it over and over again is there's so many fucking pieces of evidence.
So many times people have said it.
So many people know bits that they've ripped off.
And with a guy like Robin Williams, they used to have it set up where there was special lights when he would come to the room.
People would flash lights to make sure that the comics on stage knew that he was in the room.
When I was in Boston at the Catch Rising Star in Cambridge, Robin Williams came and I remember this because I was really raw.
I was like an open mic.
I'd only been doing comedy like not even a year.
You got a piss?
And Robin Williams came into the club and there was all these comics that were like big name Boston comics.
I think one of them was, you know what, I don't want to say names because I'm just guessing.
But there was a bunch of Boston headliners in the room and none of them would go on stage.
They wouldn't go on stage because they knew that he was in there and that if they did a good bit on that stage, and they were local guys, they were local headliners, but they were just local guys.
And this was before the internet, this was before anything.
He would just go on The Tonight Show the next night, do their bit, and that bit was dead.
They could never do it again.
So it was a totally different era back then, but...
There's parallel thinking.
There's things that I've thought of before.
There's things that other people have thought of before that I've already done.
I've had friends do a bit.
I know they didn't steal it from me, but I have to tell them, hey, that's on my first album.
The same exact sort of connection that you just made.
Bobby Slayton and I, who Bobby's a buddy of mine, but we both had a joke.
I mean, it's the same connection about blowjobs.
Mine was on my 1999 CD. I don't know when his was.
But he said to me, like, wow, we have like a similar joke.
And the joke was about blowjobs that blowjobs are a job.
That's why it implies like jerking off.
See, my joke was that jerking off sounds like it's no big deal.
It's like you just, you know, you just quit at any minute.
Like, what are you doing?
Eh, I was just jerking off.
Like, no big deal.
You want to eat?
I'll just stop.
But a blowjob sounds like there's much more commitment.
Like it's a job.
Like it implies a work ethic.
But that like jerking off, there's way more commitment involved in jerking off than blowjobs.
Because chicks will quit blowjobs all the time.
Girls will quit.
Their mouth gets tired.
They don't want to do it anymore.
But no dude quits while jerking off.
You know what I mean?
It's true.
You'll fucking finish that thing.
I have had like a half-hard dick and be like holding my breath and squeezing my balls, trying to do anything to figure out a way to just get it over with.
And then once you come, you just feel so goddamn pathetic.
But there's a lot of commitment involved in jerking off.
For whatever reason.
Like, that shit wants to get out of your body.
But I never for a second thought that Bobby stole the bit.
And he didn't think that I stole the bit.
It's like, it's kind of obvious.
Blow job.
You know, it's not the most clever connection between it being a job.
People have questions about the way comedy works, and whenever someone is so outspoken about plagiarism, like I have been and you have been with that whole Mencia thing, you know, not like we set out to do that, not like we set out to be the guys that are speaking up against comedy plagiarism, but let me tell you how many fucking comedians were happy that that happened.
I mean, I can't tell.
I just got a text message from Christopher Titus today.
Christopher Titus, who's a friend of mine, just sent me a text today, and Christopher is a very funny comic, And he sent me a text today saying that he says, hey man, you were on NPR today.
They played the whole Carlos thing and had two lawyers on talking about how comedians protect our material.
You know, Brian Posehn came up and hugged me and said, thank God for you, Joe Rogan.
I mean, I can't.
Todd Glass came up to me and said it was the greatest thing he'd ever seen in his life.
I can't tell you how many comics have said this.
We had a real problem for a long time.
And the real problem is that these networks can make money from guys stealing.
If guys are good performers and they wind up stealing people's shit, they can make a lot of money.
And for comics, literally, it takes a long ass time to create a bit.
A bit like...
My bit about the Tigers killing the kid at the zoo in San Francisco, the one that made it onto my last special, that bit took a long time to get right.
There was a lot of shit involved.
It went back and forth, it changed, it morphed, it got bigger, it got smaller.
It took a long time before I came up with the version that got onto television.
It was a lot of work.
Somebody could have easily come in Jacked my idea, jacked my premise, jacked the whole way I structured it, set it up, and just taken it for their own, and literally it's stealing.
They put it on television, and now I can't do it anymore.
Because now if I do it, you know, like, when Mencia steals stuff, he steals it, like, word for word.
You know, oftentimes.
So, like, these poor fucks, like, they're bits gone.
It's like, they got stole.
They got stolen.
Somebody took their shit.
That's been a gigantic problem for us.
You know, we didn't set out to be the ones to try to put a fork in that and stop it.
But something had to happen, and it did.
And it just so happens that it was us.
It's just synchronicity.
Just the way the world works, you know?
But, um, I can understand why someone would want to, like, scrutinize me extra carefully because of that.
Now, instead of thinking negative about guys to steal and bullshit and the problems with this and that, the positive thing is there's so much good comedy now.
There's so many good comedians.
And if you like my shit, my new thing just came out.
You can get it.
It's Talking Monkeys in Space.
It's on iTunes.
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You can get it on DVD. JoeRogan.net has all the links.