March 9, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:21:44
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Record. | ||
| Start. | ||
| Broadcast. | ||
| Live. | ||
| Are we on the air? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out how we're on the air. | ||
| There we go, bitches. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Week 10 or some shit? | ||
| How many weeks have we been doing this? | ||
| It's 11. Mute your laptop. | ||
| It's so funny because after going through all the old podcasts, every beginning of every single podcast, I'm like, mute your laptop. | ||
| You think I would know that from tuning in to Art Bell. | ||
| You know, the Art Bell show. | ||
| Please turn off your radio. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| On ONA, too. | ||
| People always call out. | ||
| They get that feedback. | ||
| Well, they're listening to themselves, so it's like a nonsense conversation. | ||
| They want to hear themselves on the radio. | ||
| They're like, just be in the moment. | ||
| Record it with my cell phone. | ||
| Turn up that radio. | ||
| Fortunately, this is very different. | ||
| But yeah, I guess we want to hear ourselves broadcast. | ||
| So we got a show this weekend at the Tempe Improv. | ||
| Almost sold out, so if you're watching... | ||
| Yeah, Saturday night's sold out already. | ||
| There's only a few tickets left for the Late Show. | ||
| Friday night is on its way. | ||
| And once we get in, it'll be press on Thursday. | ||
| So if you want to come in and you want to see the show... | ||
| Hurry up! | ||
| Tempe's always fun. | ||
| Because Ari Shaffir's in Dead Punch. | ||
| And they let us drink now, too. | ||
| Dead Punch is a pool term. | ||
| Yeah, I remember. | ||
| It took me a second. | ||
| Dead Stroke. | ||
| That's a hanger. | ||
| Pool terminology. | ||
| Why is that on? | ||
| Do you guys keep doing this to each other? | ||
| No, it just started by itself. | ||
| On both ears? | ||
| Oh, you know what it is? | ||
| I got it on both things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got it on this Ustream window, too. | |
| Brian is redoing my website, and in doing so, his fucking master genius self, he's put the Ustream actually on joeroga.net, so if you go to the webpage, there's a little corner link that says live webcam, so you can see it right from there. | ||
| It's going to get better. | ||
| It's going to get better. | ||
| And it's on iTunes now, too. | ||
| You can find the official Joe Rogan podcast. | ||
| Or is it just the Joe Rogan podcast? | ||
| It's called The Joe Rogan Podcast. | ||
| And it's on iTunes. | ||
| So you can get that shit. | ||
| Or if you have Zoom, you can go to your website and download the MP3s. | ||
| Yeah, if you're one of those Zoom dudes who just hates Apple so much, you had to get one of the goofiest fucking devices ever. | ||
| Unless it does anything better, there's no need for another one. | ||
| What's Zoom? | ||
| It's the Microsoft version of the iPod. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And the people that prefer it, you can tell they're like super Windows heads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| People that just love Windows. | ||
| Because that's mad denial. | ||
| Especially the old Zoom. | ||
| Do you remember ever using that where it's like a fake spin wheel? | ||
| Like it pushed it down. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| Yeah, it clicked up and down. | ||
| It was retarded. | ||
| I guess the new one's not bad. | ||
| I guess they probably couldn't use the technology, right? | ||
| Didn't you say that Apple is suing people? | ||
| Yeah, Android devices and Sprint devices, they're all fucked right now because they own, or Apple owns like 20 of the patents that all these new cell phones are using. | ||
| That's why you have a phone like the Android or the Droid, like, wow, it has pinched to zoom just like the iPhone. | ||
| Well, yeah, they all, Apple owns all these patents, so... | ||
| Android might be hurting. | ||
| Android, even Palm might be hurting because their new phones are all really just pretty much stealing all of Apple's shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That would be nuts. | ||
| The only one that's not in trouble right now, I guess, is the new Windows 7 phone. | ||
| Why? | ||
| They don't use the patents? | ||
| They were really smart not to use any patents. | ||
| They have their own shitload of patents. | ||
| No, the problem is pinch to zoom. | ||
| There's no better way to do it. | ||
| There really isn't. | ||
| No. | ||
| - Oh shit, it's awesome. - I'm sure there could be like a way that you can make like circle to zoom, you know? | ||
| And it's square to head. - It ain't gonna be the same. | ||
| Circle, come on man, you wanna be able to pinch it. | ||
| - Yeah, but what if you wanted to zoom on apart? | ||
| You could just put a little circle around it. | ||
| Not good, no. | ||
| Zoom now. | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, I want to do this. | ||
| Yeah, but if I told you that five years ago, I was like, no, you can go like this. | ||
| Yeah, but once I know that I can do that, it's like when you have water in your ear, and the water gets out of your ear, and you're like, oh, now I can hear. | ||
| Like, you accepted the way your ear was working when the water was in there. | ||
| You're just like, I'm okay with it. | ||
| Yeah, I can deal with this. | ||
| But the people that still aren't on the internet, they're like, nah, I'll just make do it. | ||
| Mail's fine. | ||
| There's a fucking awesome documentary on VBS TV about this dude who lives in the Arctic. | ||
| He's one of the last people that's allowed to live in the Arctic and he lives like way the fuck up in the northeast part of Alaska. | ||
| Like there's no one within like hundreds of miles of him. | ||
| He doesn't have a car. | ||
| He gets electricity from a generator and he fucking shoots all his own meat, kills all his own rabbits, kills all his own caribou, has to protect his cabin, little tiny ass cabin like the size of like a bedroom. | ||
| He has to protect his cabin from wolves. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's from bears rather. | ||
| Bears come to the cabin because he hangs his meat outside. | ||
| Because it's never cold. | ||
| They don't have a refrigerator. | ||
| They don't have anything. | ||
| So he hangs his fucking meat outside. | ||
| And bears occasionally will come into the camp and smell it. | ||
| So he's got this dog that he leaves out that's supposed to protect the cabin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Protect him? | |
| And bark. | ||
| So then he comes out and has to chase the bear down with a fucking shotgun. | ||
| And he's doing this in the nighttime. | ||
| It's night. | ||
| And he can't see. | ||
| He's chasing down this fucking bear and shooting at it. | ||
| It is nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy is living in the extreme... | |
| That's sort of civilized. | ||
| He can get to civilization, I guess. | ||
| But he's not in it. | ||
| He's got a television. | ||
| He's got a generator. | ||
| He can get electricity. | ||
| Watch his DVDs that he gets shipped to him. | ||
| He still has not seen even an image of the 9-11 towers falling. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| He heard about it on the radio. | ||
| Thought it was crazy. | ||
| But he lives up there just him and his fucking wife, man. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| How hot is his wife? | ||
| She's not. | ||
| Russell Peters is watching us right now. | ||
| Russell Peters up in this bitch. | ||
| Russell Peters is the man. | ||
| He's one of the nicest guys ever. | ||
| How nice is Russell Peters? | ||
| But he's Indian. | ||
| And you have to deal with that. | ||
| You can't just let it go. | ||
| It's there. | ||
| We're all thinking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| What? | ||
| So rude. | ||
| He's faking that, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Did you see the other day Russell was hanging out with somebody cool? | ||
| Like, I forget the old hip-hop rap guy from the 80s. | ||
| It's like, It Takes Two? | ||
| Biz Marquee? | ||
| No. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| He was just, like, tweeting out he was hanging out with him the other day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who was that? | |
| It Takes Two to make a thing go right. | ||
| DJ Quit? | ||
| No. | ||
| DJ Easy Rock. | ||
| I forget, but I was like, man, that's so awesome. | ||
| Someone in the Twitterverse knows. | ||
| What is the answer to that question, ladies and gentlemen? | ||
| You know, bitches. | ||
| Rob Bass! | ||
| That's right! | ||
| Rob Bass! | ||
| He even says it in a song. | ||
| Maybe it wasn't Rob Bass. | ||
| Now I'm screwed, because I don't even know if that doesn't sound right. | ||
| You fucking savage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't sound like the right guy. | |
| No? | ||
| Well, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| We're just talking about how Rob Bass is. | ||
| Do you remember Third Bass? | ||
| That old record Third Bass? | ||
| Yeah, the white guy. | ||
| Yeah, what happened to those guys? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| I had two albums. | ||
| They have two albums? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, no, that was the DJ. What the fuck is his name? | ||
| The white dude. | ||
| He was good! | ||
| Prime Minister Pete Nice. | ||
| That was one. | ||
| Right, Pete Nice. | ||
| And who was the other one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And, um... | |
| Gurge. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| What was his name, folks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
DJ Guger. | |
| No, I... Prime Minister Pete Nice and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Come on, folks. | ||
| Rob Bass. | ||
| Rob Bass, I think it was. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Rob Bass is the other dude. | ||
| Now I'm just confused. | ||
| Isn't he the one that had the MTV show? | ||
| Which one had the MTV show? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that Pete Nice or was that this dude? | |
| The next white rapper. | ||
| No, the next white rapper. | ||
| This guy just wrote DJ Boom Boom. | ||
| You're just making shit up, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
DJ Boom Boom. | |
| It's not DJ Boom Boom. | ||
| I'll know the answer when I hear it. | ||
| It's DJ Sniffles, man. | ||
| It's DJ Sniffles. | ||
| It's DJ Sniffle. | ||
| Who on the third base is the band? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And there was the white guy with glasses. | ||
| They're both white! | ||
| But the big guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Prime Minister Pete, nice, and so-and-so. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Anyway, the other guy. | ||
| Who the fuck is it? | ||
| It's not DJ Easy Rock, you fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| DJ Richie Rich. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| MC Search. | ||
| MC Search! | ||
|
unidentified
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Thank you. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Ozzy Rock. | ||
|
unidentified
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You're the fucking man. | |
| Russell just told us. | ||
| Isn't that amazing how your brain just blows up immediately? | ||
|
unidentified
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Why is it so hard to remember the things? | |
| I don't know Dumb information. | ||
| It's weird when a memory gets awakened. | ||
| When you didn't think the memory was in your head at all. | ||
| And then someone brings it up and all of a sudden it re-blooms. | ||
| Comes back to life. | ||
| Someone talks about some shit. | ||
| Some shit that happened when you were a kid. | ||
| And you're like, oh yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| I forgot about that. | ||
| And all of a sudden, boom! | ||
| What's weird is when that happens, that opens up a lot of these little memories that just because you remember that one thing, then you'll start remembering. | ||
| Oh, and I remember listening to that guy at the grocery store. | ||
| Bishop Desmond Tutu gets the gas face. | ||
| I don't know how much. | ||
| I don't know how much. | ||
| That was in there. | ||
| MC Search was good, man. | ||
| I liked that guy's flow, but it seemed like people would pick on him because he was white. | ||
| And then he became a producer instead of a rapper, which I think was a huge mistake. | ||
| Because I think as a rapper, he was really badass. | ||
| He was fucking good. | ||
| I used to love his stuff, but I felt like he was almost sort of doing it, but sort of apologizing at the same time. | ||
| He stopped doing it. | ||
| That guy should have never stopped rapping. | ||
| That guy was fucking good. | ||
| The idea that he went on to produce some records, I'm sure he produced some good stuff. | ||
| Well, a lot of people do that, though, too. | ||
| They move out and they go into a different type of... | ||
| Yeah, they stop liking to perform. | ||
| I can appreciate that. | ||
| But I think, with him, that guy was really fucking good. | ||
| I really used to enjoy his shit. | ||
| I'm gonna illegally down both those albums tonight. | ||
| I'm gonna download them for... | ||
| I'm gonna pay. | ||
| I'm gonna go to iTunes. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| And your Gorillaz album came out today. | ||
| Yeah, did you say you didn't like it? | ||
| I don't like the single. | ||
| That first single's not that great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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All I know is that one song that I did. | |
| You've heard a couple? | ||
| I know, but I mean, if I had to identify one. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| MC Search, please come back. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That's what we're trying to say. | ||
| MC Search. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| It ain't too late. | ||
| Just fucking dust off that hat and fucking, let's do this, son. | ||
| Just step up and spit. | ||
| Look at that song. | ||
| I like rap music, man. | ||
| I mean, I joke about it in my act, but I really do, man. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I love that, you know, that they're talking shit. | ||
| I like listening to people talk shit. | ||
| I love that Nas song. | ||
| That's my landing. | ||
| No, that's a great one, too. | ||
|
unidentified
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I like that one. | |
| Nas is a great writer, but hip-hop is dead. | ||
| That's my landing music. | ||
| I rotate between three songs. | ||
| Hip Hop is Dead, Tori Amos, Crucify, and Voodoo Child. | ||
| Question. | ||
| What do you mean by landing music? | ||
| When I land, as soon as I fucking land, when I touch down, coming to a new city. | ||
| Okay, follow up question. | ||
| Why did the stewardesses let you have your earphones on during landing? | ||
| First class, they let you fuck around. | ||
| Yeah, but I knew it. | ||
| That's totally true. | ||
| I always leave them on. | ||
| They never bother me when I'm first class. | ||
| But on the back, like, take it off. | ||
| Yeah, they're Nazis in the back. | ||
| You can't totally get away with it, but you can kind of play dumb. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Take it off. | ||
| I mean, I never don't take it off. | ||
| When they tell me to take it off, I take it off. | ||
| You have to tell me. | ||
| I'm not going to take it off on my own. | ||
| And if you're sleeping, they'll never wake you up. | ||
| I will fake sleep. | ||
| I'll make sure that my seat is up. | ||
| You can't fuck with me for that. | ||
| But, you know, I'm going to do this shit right here. | ||
| And she'll just let me go. | ||
| Please. | ||
| I'm nice. | ||
| So no one's gonna crash because my fucking head... | ||
| Why do they make it turn off? | ||
| Because of radio waves? | ||
| No, it's not a radio wave. | ||
| It's just to be dicks. | ||
| I mean, they want you to turn off everything. | ||
| They want you to turn off Game Boys. | ||
| They say turn off your laptop too, but it's like, it's on. | ||
| It's closed, it's on. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| The idea is some sort of electrical interference, but I think really the good idea to it is that it forces people to comply. | ||
| And that's the same thing with putting the seat up. | ||
| Everybody thinks it's ridiculous, and I used to think it was ridiculous to force people to put their seat up, but now I think it's important, because you've got to get them to fucking listen to you. | ||
| They don't want you to lean back or something? | ||
| Please, you're fucked. | ||
| If you're going to get hurt, you're going to get hurt. | ||
| Anything that's going to hurt you is not going to hurt you any less because you're like this than you are like this. | ||
| You're going to get jacked. | ||
| I guess, maybe? | ||
| No. | ||
| I can't see how, even in the most furious turbulence, it would make a difference. | ||
| I think you're fucked either way. | ||
|
unidentified
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If you're fucked, you're fucked. | |
| You're in a goddamn metal tube flying through the air. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I think the good thing about it is that they get you to comply. | ||
| And I think, you know, I don't want anybody to tell me what to do. | ||
| And you don't want anybody to tell you what to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But let's be honest. | ||
| We're not going to do anything fucking crazy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that need to be told what to do. | ||
| I get out of my seat. | ||
| If somebody didn't tell me to do it during the landing, I'd be like, I'm just going to go to the bathroom. | ||
| I'm going to fucking fly all over the place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I think people, there's a certain amount of people, you know, there's just too many of us. | ||
| We need very clearly established rules, even if they're ridiculous. | ||
| Even if it's just like, it sounds like I'm a conservative, but I'm not just an expert in retards. | ||
| You know, I just know there's just so many fucking dummies out there. | ||
| It's very important to have a certain amount of order to the world. | ||
| Because even though you don't want that order, you've worked really hard to put yourself into a position where you don't have to have that order. | ||
| Look at the life you chose. | ||
| You went from a very obvious, regular, normal person's life to being this crazy fucking comedian where you make your living... | ||
| Talking shit on stage, and you sleep till noon, and that right there, most people would never be able to figure out a way. | ||
| That's just too tricky. | ||
| That's too fucked up. | ||
| Most dumb people would never be able to figure out a way to slip through some weird path to make a career doing something very strange. | ||
| By the way, if you're watching your work right now, we're not talking about you. | ||
| No. | ||
| We're just joking. | ||
| Well, you know, nobody really wants to work unless you love what you're doing, and then it's not working anymore. | ||
| And that's really the secret to life. | ||
| And then everybody loves something else, man. | ||
| I mean, there's a reason why there's lawyers, there's a reason why there's a lot of dudes who love being fucking dentists, man. | ||
| There's a lot of dudes who love being carpenters. | ||
| Everybody's got their own thing, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| As long as you find it, then it's not really work. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And until then, it's gonna suck. | ||
| I still get surprised sometimes on the road. | ||
| I'm like, here's your check. | ||
| And you're like, oh yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, okay. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| It's like, because we do it so often for free. | ||
| You know, especially in LA. How often do you do sets for free? | ||
|
unidentified
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Always. | |
| Always. | ||
| That's when I start. | ||
| Whenever people ask me, like, hey, do you want to feature for the third show or something or whatever, I'm always like, I've said no before, and then it's like, yeah, can I do a guest spot? | ||
| You know, once I get there. | ||
| So it's like, you just put me on the lineup. | ||
| Yeah, once you're there and you hear the laughter, you just want to go up. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| It was when we were in Australia. | ||
| The flight fucks you up, man, because it's like a 16-hour flight. | ||
| Yeah, the time zone sounds like crazy. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like 19 hours ahead, so it's like literally you're the next day. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| So I was like really delusional. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| But as soon as I got to the club and I saw the people, it just sparks it up. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's like, man, we're going to do a fucking show. | ||
| We're going to have some fun. | ||
| It's like you just fire up. | ||
| Man, I wish people in their regular jobs could feel what we feel when you're killing, you know? | ||
| I can't usually sleep for a couple hours afterwards, too. | ||
| Man, you're wired. | ||
| You're wired afterwards. | ||
| Especially when you've got a new bit. | ||
| If you have a new bit and the new bit is killing, then it just takes everything up to the next level. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Comedy is so much fucking fun. | ||
| Have you seen Alice in Wonderland yet? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| I've heard very mixed reviews. | ||
| I am going to watch it at Universal CityWalk on Mushrooms when we get back from Tempe, Arizona. | ||
| That sounds like the worst idea ever. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's going to be so good there in 3D IMAX. This is blatantly disregarding the law. | |
| Have you not had a bad trip before? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| That's going to be your first bad trip. | ||
| Here's what I think about bad trips. | ||
| I think for sure you could definitely take too much of anything and have a bad trip no matter what your state of mind is. | ||
| I've had bad trips on pot. | ||
| I've never had bad trips on anything else but pot. | ||
| But I've had bad trips eating pot. | ||
| I think it's a state of mind. | ||
| I think it's how you approach it. | ||
| I think it's where you're at when you take it. | ||
| If you're in a good place, if you're a happy person... | ||
| To a point. | ||
| I mean, last time I did shrooms, I started shitting and having diarrhea, and no, that changes everything because you think you're dying. | ||
| Food poisoning mushrooms. | ||
| You need somebody to get into an accident across the street from you, and you're like, No! | ||
| It's all going bad. | ||
| Are you doing that psychedelic show next time? | ||
| Sure, if I can. | ||
| When is it? | ||
| April 18th. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good show. | ||
| April 18th, if you haven't seen it or heard about it, Ari Shafir is doing, if you live in L.A., he's doing this psychedelic show, and he did it, when was the last date? | ||
| Last date was in February... | ||
| You've got some clips on your website, right? | ||
| Yeah, don't look at it yet. | ||
| I've got to make them better. | ||
| So the idea of the show is most comedians that we know, at least the most funny ones, have had a few psychedelic experiences. | ||
| And a lot of them have had really funny stories to go with them. | ||
| And so they're all talking about it in front of a crowd. | ||
| It should be kind of cool. | ||
| Yeah, they're just fun stories. | ||
| My only problem is anything interesting I've ever learned, I've already told. | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| Like a hundred fucking times. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| You know? | ||
| I mean, I always get asked. | ||
| That's why we have to do a new drug experience for you. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Peyote in Tempe this weekend. | ||
| That's the place to do it, right? | ||
| We'll find some coyote spirits in us and shit. | ||
| Peyote. | ||
| Yeah, some guy Dylan Burry told a peyote story. | ||
| Peyote is supposed to be incredible. | ||
| Synthetic peyote. | ||
| My friend Matt was in New York and he took it and he said he could hear people talking in a building, like across the street, way over there. | ||
| He said there's a glass window and he goes, I can hear them talking. | ||
|
unidentified
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Meanwhile, it's probably just like a cell phone going off. | |
| I mean, I think there's ways we can perceive things other than the standard way. | ||
| When I'm drunk, I can hear things further away. | ||
| Like in a bar where I can normally hear nothing, I can center on one person talking. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know why. | ||
| When you're drunk? | ||
| Yeah, but people around me, it's all like, but then I just see them and I hear what they're saying. | ||
| So you think it's like your liver? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| What? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Your liver does it. | ||
| Who knows, man? | ||
| Your liver is what makes wheat so fucked up when you eat it. | ||
| That's when it produces that shit. | ||
| It's called 11-hydroxymetabolite. | ||
| Apparently, it's present in smoking it. | ||
| When you smoke it, it's present. | ||
| But it's not like a psychoactive levels. | ||
| But when you eat it, it's processed by your body and it produces this fucking insane chemical that's like four times more psychoactive than THC. That's why when you eat pot, it's so like, whoa. | ||
| Remember those brownies that were cookies that somebody gave us in Chicago? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Even fucking Joey Diaz freaked out on them. | ||
| Joey Diaz said he had a mild heart attack. | ||
| That was the first time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, no, it wasn't. | |
| But it was the first time I realized. | ||
| We're all still high the next day, and you wake up, you're just kind of like shuffling your feet. | ||
| You feel sort of weird, like you're still tired until it hits you. | ||
| But you're too high to like... | ||
| Think it out. | ||
| So you're like... | ||
| I was so hot. | ||
| I re-evaluated my entire life that night. | ||
| I really did. | ||
| I made some life-changing decisions that night. | ||
| I was so fucking gone. | ||
| I literally... | ||
| I mean, it was very, very similar to taking mushrooms. | ||
| Very similar. | ||
| Just as intense and just going to a different place. | ||
| It was like, wow, this is strong. | ||
| And you know how I knew it was really, really, really strong? | ||
| It's when I laid in the bed and I closed my eyes. | ||
| And the fucking hallucinations were insane. | ||
| Yeah, it was all these cartoon characters fucking each other and becoming different things. | ||
| Fucking each other and becoming different things. | ||
| Fucking each other and becoming different things. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| The cartoon characters were like a glowing, almost like a neon. | ||
| They had a glowing neon quality to them. | ||
| They looked like someone drew them, but then there was a glowing neon center to them. | ||
| It was fucking insane. | ||
| It went on for like a half an hour. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| This is just from eating weed. | ||
| Last time I ate mushrooms, when I was getting sick and stuff, then I resorted to bed. | ||
| And it was weird because it went into stages of like, first I was shaking real fast, then I went into like a sweaty, and then I got into like a thing that felt like I was going inside out or something. | ||
| And it was like seven things, but it was in a cycle. | ||
| Like it kept on doing it. | ||
| Like I'm like, alright, next is coming to shake, right? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Here comes the shake. | ||
| And then I was like, oh wait, it's like seasons of the earth, man. | ||
| How many did you go through? | ||
| Probably about 150 of those things. | ||
| That's how bad my last mushroom trip was. | ||
| It was sick mixed with thinking I was some kind of season. | ||
| How much did you take? | ||
| About an eighth or half an eighth, 75% of an eighth or something like that. | ||
| What is an eighth? | ||
| Usually people do half an eighth and then maybe later, I'd say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
3.546 or something. | |
| They say the real big dose is like 5 grams. | ||
| Five grams? | ||
| See, you talk to some people and they're just like, no dude, you gotta smoke seven joints. | ||
| A lot of people think that to get the most out of pot, the way to really do it right is to not smoke pot for a long time and then blow it the fuck out. | ||
| Just get high as a kite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I haven't smoked for the last couple days and now I'm just gone. | |
| but have you heard of people yeah but that's just a couple days you stoner we're talking about like taking a muck off I was like I haven't smoked in at least 28 hours have you ever talked to those guys that like I don't trip on one hit of ass I trip on 10 man Well, there are definitely some dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's wrong with those people? | |
| I don't know, man, but don't you think that we all have different chemical structures to our bodies? | ||
| Yeah, but it's like, I bet you they didn't even try the one dose thing. | ||
| They're just like, no, I like to eat five pizzas, man. | ||
| Have you ever met a dude who just can't drink? | ||
| I knew, especially back in Boston, I knew a lot of guys that they would drink and then all of a sudden, I mean, one drink and they were at Gonsville. | ||
| They just didn't exist. | ||
| A girl I went out with once. | ||
| One drink. | ||
| She would go one drink in and then all of a sudden she'd be... | ||
| Throwing glasses and yelling shit and swearing at people. | ||
| Yeah, she's the same weight as somebody who can completely handle it. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| I mean, it was one fucking drink and she would be gone. | ||
| One? | ||
| One drink. | ||
| It was like she was allergic to alcohol or something. | ||
| It was something weird. | ||
| And she was completely crazy. | ||
| There was one girl I knew, a Jewish girl, she's a friend of mine on Facebook, she might be watching so I won't say her name, but first time she smoked weed up... | ||
| Why'd you have to say her fucking religion, man? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Oh, she's Jewish. | ||
| Why'd you have to say that? | ||
| Because I want you guys to at least have a chance to find out who she is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just tell me! | |
| I think you earned it. | ||
| It's a hilarious story. | ||
| Okay, so it's just a hint. | ||
| Alright, so she smoked weed at my house. | ||
| She's like, I'm not good with weed, whatever. | ||
| She smoked one bong hit. | ||
| She stood up, ran full speed into my bathroom, hit the bathtub, and just flew in the bathtub and smashed her face in the bathtub. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I just had to run. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That was like one hit. | ||
| I'm like, holy shit, there's something weird in her, whatever, DNA that snapped immediately. | ||
| Well, you know, we also don't realize how strong this fucking weed is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This is Ohio shit weed out there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, this isn't Ohio. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Maybe she's just a freak. | ||
| How bad was Ohio's weed compared to California's weed? | ||
| Oh, it was Mexican brick weed. | ||
| Where it's compressed, where at least you're like, I don't have much weed left, but that one brick you're just pulling out tons of shit. | ||
| That was a long time ago, right? | ||
| Maybe it's gotten better? | ||
|
unidentified
|
In Ohio? | |
| We'll probably get it from California. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure it's better. | ||
| I was also a broker back then, so it probably always existed. | ||
| The people that get arrested for drugs, why is it they're always speeding? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck is that? | |
| It's like you have a life sentence in your car. | ||
| Why don't you just slow down? | ||
| They're always doing something stupid. | ||
| Like they're always talking on the phone without using a headset. | ||
| And they get pulled over for that. | ||
| And all of a sudden the cops are like... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Why do I smell weed? | ||
| And then you pop the trunk and he's got a fucking giant brick of weed in the back. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or you're parked on the side of the road with your door open and a girl's sitting on your lap. | ||
| And you're like, okay, why do you have a gun in the backseat of your car? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Why are you so nervous? | ||
| Why are you sweating? | ||
| What is it about these fucking trucks that get busted and they have like a hundred million dollars worth of weed in them? | ||
| You know, like giant fucking semis. | ||
| Like, how crazy is that? | ||
| That's like a gamble. | ||
| Let's take a chance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it. | |
| How many do you think of those get through? | ||
| Dude, I bet a lot. | ||
| They must get through. | ||
| I bet 90% of them get through. | ||
| They busted one of them in Arizona because the guy had a UPS truck. | ||
| It was a UPS truck. | ||
| Stolen? | ||
| No, it wasn't real. | ||
| It was forged, a fake UPS truck. | ||
| They made a UPS truck with fake numbers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They just took the numbers from one of the other UPS trucks, they wrote it down, they recreated a fucking UPS truck. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| Yeah, brilliant. | ||
| And why did they get the Uber? | ||
| Because the cops ran the fucking number that was on it. | ||
| They were speeding or doing something. | ||
| The cops ran the number that was on it, and it turns out it was the wrong truck. | ||
| They're like, no, we're in Michigan. | ||
| It didn't match. | ||
| It didn't match. | ||
| For whatever reason. | ||
| So they decided to pull him over. | ||
| So they pulled this guy over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got a giant fucking truckload of weed. | |
| I mean, they just decided to pretend that they were delivering. | ||
| We're for UPS. They figured nobody would check it. | ||
| They probably got away with it a fuckload of times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, and then one guy just got a little careless and started driving fast and he got busted. | ||
| You always get complacent. | ||
| You get away with it a few times, you get totally normal. | ||
| And you feel like, I'm not going to get caught. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, that's what, and that becomes part of the thrill of it, too, I think, for people. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are addicted to crime, and they think that crime, like selling weed or doing anything illegal, where you, you know, you don't really even pay taxes on it. | ||
| There's a fucking, a wild outlaw thrill to that shit, you know? | ||
| Some people love living like that. | ||
| But those motherfuckers, you can't be around them. | ||
| They're gonna blow up. | ||
| That shit is not going to last. | ||
| You're not playing by society's rules. | ||
| When you're running around selling drugs, I like to get drugs, and I think it's awesome that you're doing that, but I don't want to be around you, because if you're the guy who's making his life off of selling cocaine, you might be fucking crazy. | ||
| You might just be a reckless, wild motherfucker. | ||
| That's a dangerous thing. | ||
| How many people get rich and retire off of cocaine? | ||
| I don't know any. | ||
| There's a few that you hear about in Cocaine Cowboys. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Griselda, she's still alive. | ||
| Cocaine Cowboys too. | ||
| She got out and retired? | ||
| She got out and they shipped her to Bogota. | ||
| She killed, like, 200 people. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, she made hundreds of millions of dollars. | ||
| She was, like, the queen of cocaine. | ||
| To kill 200 people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| An overdose? | ||
| Directly responsible for, like, 200 people dying. | ||
| Off her coke? | ||
| Bro, what are you doing? | ||
| Somebody asked what I was drinking. | ||
| I was putting it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Weirdos. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It tastes like beer almost. | ||
| Oh, it's kombucha. | ||
| I thought it was a beer. | ||
| That wouldn't be weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess it's not weird. | |
| No, it wouldn't really be that weird. | ||
| Anyway, this Griselda chick is still alive. | ||
| They took pictures of her in Bogota, Colombia. | ||
| So she got out of jail. | ||
| They deported her. | ||
| And now she's fucking running around Colombia. | ||
| Man. | ||
| She's rich as fuck. | ||
| She's like incredibly, incredibly rich and ruthless. | ||
| Cocaine Cowboys is fucking incredible. | ||
| I never saw it. | ||
| Oh my god, you have to watch it. | ||
| It's one of the greatest documentaries ever. | ||
| And then Cocaine Cowboys 2 is even better. | ||
| Cocaine Cowboys 2 is just fucking nuts, man. | ||
| I mean, it tells you, it just shows you how nutty Miami was in the 1980s when cocaine was coming through there. | ||
| I mean, it just changed the fucking face of the city. | ||
| That city was built on cocaine. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| The cops, there were so many corrupt cops that one year, the entire graduating group in the police academy, the entire graduating group, all of them either wound up dead or locked up in jail. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| I hate Miami so much. | ||
| Oh my god, it's so crazy. | ||
| And that's why I'm so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the Coke. | |
| It's the Coke. | ||
| It's a cocaine-flavored city. | ||
| There's a lot of cool people in Miami, man. | ||
| I had a show there recently. | ||
| I did the Lincoln Theater. | ||
| It was fucking awesome, man. | ||
| It was really awesome. | ||
| Everybody was super cool. | ||
| The show was nice. | ||
| But fuck, man. | ||
| That improv. | ||
| That improv's the worst improv. | ||
| The worst comedy club I've ever been to. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| That Miami improv made me stop going to Miami. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| They would just yell out shit. | ||
| Nobody gave a fuck. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| 30 tables just screaming at... | ||
| We're talking! | ||
| You shut up! | ||
| What? | ||
| A giant room full of cokeheads. | ||
| I mean, just a room full of cokeheads. | ||
| We're not even lying about this. | ||
| Like, if we had 200 people in the crowd, how many people do you think were cokeheads? | ||
| If we had how many? | ||
|
unidentified
|
200. I'd say 80. I'd say 80 were on coke. | |
| 80 were on coke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Another 40 doesn't have any on them. | ||
| That's not bullshit. | ||
| And the 40 that didn't have it on them, they might get shitty because they're coming down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, really. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, 80's about right. | |
| That place was crazy. | ||
| And Cuban coked up. | ||
| And that place is one of the places where I've never heard a headliner get more sabotaged when they decided to put Kevin Meaney up after Joey Diaz. | ||
| You're talking Cuban and cokehead. | ||
| That's what, I mean, the audience is Cuban, the audience is Cuban, right? | ||
| The audience does, you know, coke, and Joey has, like, an hour of coke material. | ||
| He could go on and on about all kinds of shit. | ||
| The best is watching him, and the way he says it's so funny, so you kind of giggle, like, oh, that sounds funny, and then you'll see somebody just die laughing, and you're like, oh, you know about this shit. | ||
| He says shit that I don't even know because I've never done coke, but it's funny. | ||
| Two times a lady on a Thursday. | ||
| You know. | ||
| You know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what the fuck I'm talking about. | |
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| But if he does that to a room full of cokeheads, oh my god, Joey used to destroy that place. | ||
| He used to level that motherfucker. | ||
| He was on stage once and he was spitting and sweat was flying off of him. | ||
| And he was telling jokes about him being in one window, they're both on coke, him and his cat, and he's in one window, and the cat's in the other one, and they're fucking looking out for police. | ||
| I don't think I've ever laughed any harder. | ||
| I don't think I've ever laughed any harder. | ||
| And Joey, so Joey's leveling these audiences with this kind of material. | ||
| And Kevin Meany went up after him. | ||
| And this was before Kevin Meany came out of the closet. | ||
| So Kevin Meany was doing like, he used to do We Are The World, like a We Are The World tribute thing, like a whole song that was like his closing bit. | ||
| But this was like decades after that We Are The World. | ||
| Nobody remembered that anymore. | ||
| And these 20-year-old people in the audience had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. | ||
| And this is after Joey goes up. | ||
| They're like, shut up! | ||
| Yeah, and they're animals. | ||
| And this is after Joey goes up, and Joey's just leveling the place. | ||
| I mean, it hurts you to watch... | ||
| It hurt you to watch. | ||
| That's one of the worst, like, scheduling of comics ever. | ||
| They do that all the time. | ||
| Like, especially, like... | ||
| Why, just to punish them? | ||
| No. | ||
| People, like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just not smart. | |
| If a comic wants too much money, sometimes they'll do that. | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| Oh, the fucking movie. | ||
| Some people don't think a guy's that good. | ||
| Like, some club owners are really fucking stupid. | ||
| Oh, they'll be like, oh, yeah, he's just fine. | ||
| Well, what I heard was... | ||
| The one who I heard got fucked with the most was Mitch Hedberg. | ||
| Mitch Hedberg got fucked with a bunch of times where they would put on like these singing black guys before him, you know, and these guys would destroy with like really dumb, hack shit. | ||
| And then Mitch Hedberg would go up with this really weird, unique act, you know, that like on paper isn't even funny, you know, it's like he's got some really great stuff. | ||
| Like an interesting way of delivering, but it was, it's very much you have to set it up correctly. | ||
| You can't have some guy... | ||
| Going up singing and dancing and having the whole audience clap along. | ||
| And then Hedberg, who just basically stands there... | ||
| Says nothing for two minutes. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Double G Hotel. | ||
| He's got all these weird jokes that are just so uniquely him. | ||
| But you've got to set it up right. | ||
| And that's a part of comedy. | ||
| People go, oh, that guy can't follow that guy. | ||
| It doesn't mean that that guy's not good. | ||
| It means that their acts aren't compatible. | ||
| A lot of people don't have a hard time following the other people. | ||
| But... | ||
| Those people will have a harder time following people that I don't have, you know, have a problem following. | ||
| It's just certain styles. | ||
| There's a lot, I mean, if a guy's like really super cerebral and really wordy and doesn't swear and is really, you know, and you go up and you want to talk about getting your dick sucked, you know, people are like, whoa, what the fuck? | ||
| Even when Brett Ernst for some reason and Caponera were killing, I would always do well. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| When other people are killing, then I have trouble and it's like, I don't, it's just certain styles. | ||
| Yeah, Joey used to have, his jinx used to be AJ Jamal. | ||
| Remember how good AJ was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he was great. | |
| Oh, he was amazing. | ||
| Incredible timing. | ||
| AJ Jamal was such a pro, man. | ||
| He just... | ||
| His timing was just so perfect. | ||
| You could hear the same jokes ten times in a row, and he still would laugh. | ||
| And for whatever reason, I think that just got inside Joey's head, because Joey wasn't that kind of a guy. | ||
| He wasn't like a technician. | ||
| Like, AJ Jamal just had that perfect timing. | ||
| Yeah, and just the way he would do it, like, you would just be recovering from the last joke, and then the next one would hit you. | ||
| But it would hit you at the right time. | ||
| Like, while you're still appreciating that joke... | ||
| And then another one hits you, and he just would hit you with these waves, and Joey was just a, you know, sort of like a stream of consciousness guy. | ||
| He would just go up, he had a couple ideas of some jokes he would talk about, but he wanted to just fuck around. | ||
| He wanted to, like, find the material on stage. | ||
| I think it bothered him that this guy was, like, so... | ||
| So, like, rigid. | ||
| That used to bother me a lot, too. | ||
| If a guy had a really strong act, if it was really strong and well done, it would make me insecure. | ||
| I would say, fuck, is mine that good? | ||
| I mean, I'm not doing what he's doing. | ||
| I have trouble following somebody who does real, real well with crowd work. | ||
| Then it's like, because then that's my pull-out move is to do some crowd work. | ||
| But then it's like, wow, he just did it already. | ||
| He did it better than you. | ||
| So now my one cheat move is fucking taken away from me. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that crowd move is a good move if you've got a position to go to it. | ||
| You know, like you used to have the... | ||
| I don't want to say the job, but... | ||
| You know, there's one that you do where you talk to a chick in the audience and it just blam! | ||
| You know, I always wait for it. | ||
| Like, when you start talking about that, and then I go, here it comes. | ||
| Like, if you're ever in a tricky situation, you bust that one up, that's just a guaranteed crack in the face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| But those are nice things. | ||
| I mean, it's really no different than any other kind of joke that you're going to just... | ||
| I mean, you're recreating the moment. | ||
| You know, you're saying it all like you're thinking it right there and then. | ||
| But a lot of it is shit you've said many, many times before. | ||
| You just got to keep it as organic as possible. | ||
| Yeah, I like doing crowd work, too, because it sets my mouth and my cadence to be like, this is me real talking. | ||
| Like, what's that? | ||
| It's a nice jacket. | ||
| I like that shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then if my joke's done, and then I went to the store! | ||
| When does it ever sound grosser than when you're in a tiny little audience? | ||
| When you're in a tiny audience, like three people, you see all the problems with your material. | ||
| Tiny audiences are really good to do. | ||
| Because when you perform in front of three people, it's so uncomfortable. | ||
| That you're making this person talk to you. | ||
| The illusion of a crowd is just gone. | ||
| It's just like, what are we doing? | ||
| I performed for two ones. | ||
| Two people at Dangerfields in New York City. | ||
| And it was the weirdest feeling. | ||
| But it makes you snip out the fat in your jokes. | ||
| It makes you get to the point quicker. | ||
| You respect their attention span more because it's more ridiculous for you to require them to listen to you. | ||
| But you also can't pretend like you're doing a pause that might be set in there theatrically in a good way. | ||
| You're like, I can't even do it now. | ||
| It's not even a bad thing. | ||
| It just seems really fucking weird. | ||
| Really fucking fake. | ||
| You find out what the fake shit is. | ||
| You can do a pause if you're really thinking that way. | ||
| If there's a moment you're at where you're like... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| There is a real moment. | ||
| There's a real opportunity for a moment there. | ||
| But it has to be real. | ||
| I think very often we write stuff and we write it and we say it in a way we just know it's going to kill. | ||
| It's not necessarily the way you would say it in front of a small group of people. | ||
| It's good to clean your act up with that shit. | ||
| It's good to do shows where people aren't impressed, too. | ||
| That's why it's good to do those improv shows, like those Wednesday night shows. | ||
| They don't know you're going to be there. | ||
| They're not your fans. | ||
| They don't come to see you. | ||
| They come to see any kind of comedy. | ||
| And they just saw ten guys that have been on television. | ||
| That guy from Comedy Juice just wrote me yesterday. | ||
| And he was like, Hey, Ari, we'd love to have you come back. | ||
| I know you did it before. | ||
| And I was like, Oh, cool. | ||
| I did it once. | ||
| And the guy who booked it left. | ||
| So I've been looking to see you get in contact with me. | ||
| And he was like, Yeah, anytime you want. | ||
| Next week, the week after, the week after that. | ||
| And I was like, How about the week after that? | ||
| This is Ari. | ||
| And he goes, oh, now how about April? | ||
| And I'm like, you thought it was Aries Spears, didn't you? | ||
| And he was like, yeah, I did. | ||
| I think it auto-completed on whatever. | ||
| And I was like, it's fine, man. | ||
| That happens. | ||
| It's not the first time. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| You know, the webcam's on, guys. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| You're telling me a fucking show, man. | ||
| You're telling me a little story. | ||
| You don't have to stare at people. | ||
| Yeah, so my manager called. | ||
| You know, the guy that no one else knows ever. | ||
| Except you, too. | ||
| I thought that was a good story, man. | ||
| I'm fucking baked. | ||
| He wanted to go to Comedy Juice. | ||
| Comedy Juice is... | ||
| It all related, man. | ||
| Comedy Juice is the local show, Wednesday nights. | ||
| Wednesday nights at the improv. | ||
| Really good show. | ||
| And there's always, like, you know, famous people. | ||
| Louis C.K. will stop by. | ||
| Mark Merrill will stop by. | ||
| All these good guys will stop by. | ||
| So it's a good place to perform. | ||
| But it's good to do, like, little tiny shitholes, too, right? | ||
| It's good to do, like, bars and dives and... | ||
| You know what's great is that little room next to the improv. | ||
| You know, there's the big improv, but there's that little tiny-ass room. | ||
| That's what we're doing. | ||
| What's it called show? | ||
| The what show? | ||
| Psycho Dealer Show. | ||
| No, no, no, I mean in Tempe. | ||
| Oh, oh, oh, yeah. | ||
| You know that one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was the shit. | ||
| Did you go up in there? | ||
| No, I've never been up there. | ||
| Just watched. | ||
| Just watched. | ||
| Todd Glass goes and just does that room. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's a fucking sweet room, man. | ||
| I mean, it's one of the sweetest rooms in the country and it's connected to one of the biggest rooms in the country. | ||
| It's like a comedy complex. | ||
| It's amazing that Tempe has so much comedy, you know? | ||
| It's also the biggest improv to begin with. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Oh, Chicago might be bigger now. | ||
| Oh, San Jose, San Jose, yeah. | ||
| Listen to me, West Palm is bigger than all. | ||
| Oh, they redid it now, right? | ||
| West Palm is huge. | ||
| It's like 700 people. | ||
| It's fucking insane. | ||
| You walk in there and you're like, what?! | ||
| Like, it's so big. | ||
| What does San Jose have? | ||
| Is it like 500 maybe? | ||
| 450, 480, something like that. | ||
| This place is 700 people. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| At least 650. But apparently, it's hard to fucking film, man. | ||
| It's hard to film. | ||
| Yeah, Bruce Bruce and Gabriel Iglesias every other week. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you guys see that Carlos Messia fight on his Twitter the other day he had with some guy that was making fun of him or something? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not that poor fuck, though. | ||
| What had happened? | ||
| It's just, it's very crazy how this guy got to him pre... | ||
| What did he say to him? | ||
| Guy just started shitting on me. | ||
| I own you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet you spend more time on me than any other comedians you actually like. | |
| I own you! | ||
| I'm the punisher! | ||
| Any time you try to publicly show somebody up online, you're like, you're not showing them up. | ||
| You're just, it's just, you're both of you guys are just idiots. | ||
| You can't ever hear a response. | ||
| I did that before. | ||
| You feel like an idiot afterwards. | ||
| Why did I waste my time doing this? | ||
| Like, there's sometimes when you read something, someone will say something douchey, and you're like, I can just crush this idiot right now. | ||
| And then I was like, what am I doing? | ||
| Like, why am I entering? | ||
| Like, people are just drawing into some silly fight. | ||
| Like, why do you care? | ||
| I saw someone on Twitter talk about that, and they said, to Marin, and they said, uh, it's like the Special Olympics. | ||
| Even if you win, just so retarded. | ||
| Yeah, that's like a, there's a picture of that. | ||
| You know what would be really funny? | ||
| Inspirational pictures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What would be really funny is to film somebody like that. | |
| Film somebody have this online war with somebody and just have them going back and forth and it became so dangerous that you go to fight them and it's like a four-year-old. | ||
| That's all it is, usually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who are they? | |
| He was a kid who was 20. That kid from Ohio. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| We brought him to the show. | ||
| He turned out to be just a kid fucking around. | ||
| I mean, he was a nice guy. | ||
| I even talked to him on the Jimmy Fallon. | ||
| You can't tell tone, too. | ||
| This guy, he and I had a MySpace battle. | ||
| It was really ridiculous. | ||
| It got put on some websites. | ||
| He and I went back and forth, even in the emails. | ||
| He said, alright, you win. | ||
| He said, if I ever meet you, I would be happy to shake your hand. | ||
| I said, I'd shake your hand too, dude. | ||
| It's all just fun. | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| He goes, well, it's nice talking to you. | ||
| It ended like okay. | ||
| It was really weird. | ||
| You know, sometimes you talk shit to people, and you don't really mean what you're saying, but it's like you've entered into like a little contest. | ||
| Like, you want to talk stupid? | ||
| You want to say some dumb shit? | ||
| Well, I'm going to say some dumb shit to you. | ||
| It's the only way you can show somebody up, too. | ||
| The best of people that think just insulting your mother will do the trick. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| Like, I fucked your mom three times this week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha-ha! | |
| Boom! | ||
| Pew! | ||
| But for comics and for us... | ||
| That's a fun exercise sometimes. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| It's like when people know that you do it, they get mad at you. | ||
| Like, what an asshole. | ||
| He's calling this guy a loser. | ||
| Maybe you're a fucking loser. | ||
| We think you're a fucking badass because you're on TV. But no, I'm just practicing dealing with douchebags. | ||
| They're like online hecklers. | ||
| It's like the same thing as a heckler in an audience. | ||
| It's really the same thing. | ||
| You're just breaking them down. | ||
| For a comic, that's fun sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't do it online. | ||
| I don't do it online anymore. | ||
| I used to. | ||
| It's just so stupid. | ||
| It's like you're deciding to get upset and to enter into this little competition with someone who you don't know who chooses to interact with you that way. | ||
| That's the way they choose to interact with you. | ||
| They choose to attack you. | ||
| And you're just going to submit to that and start going back and forth and that's ridiculous. | ||
| They win right away. | ||
| That's just part of being in the public eye. | ||
| Part of being an entertainer. | ||
| You're going to get people that want to hate you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's normal. | |
| As soon as they start, as soon as you get back in the hall, you're like, maybe I'll show them up. | ||
| You won't, no matter what you do. | ||
| It's a waste of energy. | ||
| It's what it is. | ||
| It's a waste of energy. | ||
| Unless you can do it and you're just having fun and it's good-natured and you do it just for shits and giggles. | ||
| As long as it's good-natured. | ||
| But if you're really getting upset and you're really trying to hurt their feelings, like... | ||
| My rules, too, is if you just want to show them that they err their ways, you never will. | ||
| They'll never see it. | ||
| They'll think that they showed you up, you don't think you showed them. | ||
| Some people will. | ||
| It's so rare for a reflective moment. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Yeah, but you never know, man. | ||
| You might be able to, with no aggression, you might be able to show someone just in a very calm way. | ||
| It's just very hard. | ||
| It's very hard for them to accept it, but the occasional person will accept it. | ||
| Occasional person is just confused. | ||
| A lot of people, man, the reason why they lash out is because really they just want someone to love them. | ||
| No one loves them. | ||
| And this is a lot of fucking humans out there, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people that live these terrible fucking lives. | ||
| I don't know who it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it was some fucking famous guy. | |
| Was it Emerson? | ||
| I don't remember who it was. | ||
| I heard this quote. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| What was it? | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I'm too high. | ||
| Taylor got into a, uh, somebody yelled at him in the supermarket parking lot because he was going in the wrong way. | ||
| And somebody is, you know, I got into an accident once that way. | ||
| And he said, he goes, yeah, I bet you got to an accident. | ||
| Somebody's going the right way. | ||
| Like, what does that mean? | ||
| It doesn't prove anything. | ||
| God damn, I forgot the quote. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| What was it about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember. | |
| I remember. | ||
| Too much weed. | ||
| Alright, Tempe, Arizona this weekend. | ||
| Hey, Mike, you're going to the chat and there's been a lot of good questions. | ||
| What are the questions? | ||
| Give us one, Brian. | ||
| Send it out loud. | ||
| Stop talking about comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not a question, really. | |
| I don't know how far we got in school. | ||
| Nobody can tell us what to talk about. | ||
| What are the other questions? | ||
| More of a question form. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dudes, enough about stand-up comedy. | |
| Listen, you don't have to watch it, folks, if you're not enjoying it. | ||
| Just fucking... | ||
| Did you watch the Oscars? | ||
| Go on. | ||
| Do your own thing. | ||
| I gave up on the Oscars when In the Bedroom lost to that fucking Terrible Mind or whatever, the split personality guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| The Hurt Locker. | ||
| And I was just like, what is this? | ||
| Going more than Avatar. | ||
| And that just hurts my soul. | ||
| I know, Joe, you like the Hurt Lager, but it hurts me. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because the special effects didn't win the prizes? | ||
| It was just a boring-ass fucking movie, and I just can't understand why everyone thinks it's the next awesome thing. | ||
| What I understand is why people care if the movie they like or don't like wins some fucking award. | ||
| Well, because then there's a movie like Avatar that's just something brand new. | ||
| I've never seen this before. | ||
| I've never experienced anything like this before. | ||
| Brian, did you get Avatar Depression when you found out it wasn't real? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, but there's a whole thing with that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People miss that world because it's like a form of depression. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| I've only seen it once, mister. | ||
| You saw it three times. | ||
| I've seen it once. | ||
| I saw it three times? | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| You and I saw it together, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fun, man. | ||
| It was a fun-ass movie. | ||
| That was like a goddamn comic book. | ||
| Like, going to see a comic book. | ||
| Everybody's like, oh, man. | ||
| It's just like the Pocahontas. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I like stories that wrap up nice and neat. | ||
| Whenever people say the shit story, I was like, no, no, you're right. | ||
| When they pointed out details. | ||
| But yeah, that took me out of it a little bit. | ||
| Whatever, it's fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's still great. | |
| I think the reason I care is because it seems like, okay, you saw the same movie I saw, and yet you think that was enough to be amazing, to win the best award. | ||
| So you're disappointed in so much people? | ||
| So it's weird, because I think I'm on a brave, like a wavelength with people's intelligence and how they're thinking, and that just blows it out of the water. | ||
| Like, there was a million movies better than Hurt Locker, I think. | ||
| I liked the Hurt Locker, man. | ||
| I thought it was pretty good. | ||
| Best movie of the year? | ||
| You know what I didn't like? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I thought it was a unique movie. | ||
| I thought it was... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| You know, I think probably because of the fact that we're in the middle of this unpopular war, and it was a very controversial film. | ||
| They made a point! | ||
| It was actually art! | ||
| They made a point! | ||
| I think so, too. | ||
| Pointless war, you know? | ||
| But, you know, I think... | ||
| There's no resolution. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why it got extra special treatment. | ||
| I mean, I think if this was done during... | ||
| Well, who knows? | ||
| It could be done during a year where there's no war. | ||
| We reflect on how we don't have war anymore. | ||
| Yeah, they've been in war movies all the time, but... | ||
| I thought it was pretty good, man. | ||
| I really liked it. | ||
| I watched it, granted, while being held captive on a plane. | ||
| You know, I couldn't go anywhere. | ||
| I was in my seat. | ||
| I couldn't go anywhere. | ||
| And so, I enjoyed it. | ||
| I was actually looking forward to it, because I heard a lot of people say good things about it, and I thought it was pretty good. | ||
| It was interesting. | ||
| I didn't know too much about it, so that was good. | ||
| I didn't know any spoilers. | ||
| It captivated me the whole way. | ||
| That movie took place four years ago, alright? | ||
| The scene of that movie. | ||
| But yet, at the beginning of it, he's playing Xbox 360. I heard that last night. | ||
| Oh, you fucking cat! | ||
| My first commercial I did with that guy, Jeremy Renner. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| The story that was in my first commercial. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Well, that's interesting, man. | ||
| So, did you read about this online or did you figure it out yourself? | ||
| Easter egg? | ||
| No, the Xbox 360. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm a movie nerd like that. | ||
| I like reading mistakes that people do. | ||
| Did it say the date of the movie? | ||
| I guess so, yeah. | ||
| It was on Kotaku or something like that yesterday. | ||
| I thought it was great. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| It was great. | ||
| You thought it was great, too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What the fuck, Art? | ||
| So you guys didn't sit there and go, wow, I just watched one really slow mission. | ||
| Yes, there was that. | ||
| I would have liked a little more crazy action. | ||
| Yeah, but you never knew what the fuck was happening. | ||
| It wouldn't be exciting if you saw it two times. | ||
| But the first time, you did not fucking know that guy was not going to blow up. | ||
| And it was very scary. | ||
| There was a part in the beginning of the movie when that guy blows up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spoilers. | |
| There's a lot of shit that's happening. | ||
| See, I never felt the tension, I guess. | ||
| You didn't feel the tension? | ||
| I understand what you're saying. | ||
| When they all got sniped on? | ||
| You didn't feel the tension? | ||
| No, it didn't work on me. | ||
| Those dudes next to them were getting jacked? | ||
| I understand what you're saying. | ||
| There were a couple times when you did feel the tension. | ||
| But a lot of it was slow. | ||
| It was fucking slow. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| The tension parts, I guess, didn't work. | ||
| They failed on the tension for me, I guess. | ||
| Well, in your eyes... | ||
| I wasn't stoned. | ||
| In my eyes, they succeeded. | ||
| You don't have to be. | ||
| I wasn't either, man. | ||
| Maybe I was too sober. | ||
| I was totally sober. | ||
| I was in bed going, oh my god. | ||
| I mean, I was at the movie theater. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the movie theater. | ||
| I mean, I didn't download or anything. | ||
| Maybe that's the problem, man. | ||
| Getting the shit copy. | ||
| It was at Blu-ray pop, Rick. | ||
| I mean, it was at the IMAX theater in 3D. What the fuck, Brian? | ||
| Wouldn't it be great if RIA busted down your doors right now and took you out of here? | ||
| Yeah, you don't have anything illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, just everything. | |
| Gigs are gigs. | ||
| What do you think about that, man? | ||
| We're getting really close to the point where you can just download shit and put it directly on your TV in super high quality in real time. | ||
| We're there. | ||
| I've heard about it. | ||
| People doing it easily with Mac Minis and stuff like that. | ||
| How are they going to make money with movies? | ||
| I don't fucking care. | ||
| People are still going to the movies, right? | ||
| Sure, I don't care. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It'd be nice if everyone else doesn't accept me. | ||
| People said that in movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a nice experience, too. | ||
| There's like a big argument against it. | ||
| Was there any copies of Avatar online anywhere? | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of people still want to see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the whole thing. | |
| I mean, there's movies that you will download, like stupid comedies, and you're just like, I'm not paying to see that. | ||
| I'll fucking download that. | ||
| Dude, Sony has a new TV coming out. | ||
| It's a 3D TV that I tried out at the mall. | ||
| It comes out this summer. | ||
| Dude, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| You put goggles on, they have a battery. | ||
| You press a button, and these guys are playing soccer, and the ball is just fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
My TV does that right now. | |
| My TV does that right now. | ||
| It's capable of Samsung. | ||
| You hook up a computer to it and it renders anything in 3D into the good 3D just like that. | ||
| So when Navidad comes out on 3D, you can do that to it? | ||
| If I wanted to, but I'm not going to buy those goggles and shit like that. | ||
| So how much programming is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you watch The Office, is that coming in 3D? That's a good question. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| That would be crazy. | ||
| I don't think the 3D is going to catch on. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Because you know how many people, you might think it's cool, but you know how many people are like, you know what, I'm going to buy a whole new TV just so I can have this 3D. Especially after they just made us all buy new ones anyway. | ||
| Look, HDTV took a long time. | ||
| Blu-ray's barely still kept holding on. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's true because regular TV still looks pretty fucking badass and people go, how much better is it really? | ||
| You really need to pay $35 instead of $20? | ||
| No, in this economy, you pay $20 and you get the regular one. | ||
| Why don't you give a shit? | ||
| And honestly, 3D to me, man, even when I go to the IMAX movie theaters, I'm still kind of like, you know what, I don't know if I like this yet. | ||
| It's kind of cool, but... | ||
| You need to just go ahead and suck some cock. | ||
| Just go do it. | ||
| Just go run to San Francisco. | ||
| It's getting better and better. | ||
| Run to wherever the hardest cock you think is going to be awaiting. | ||
| It's getting better and better and better, but you're still... | ||
| I feel like you're looking through something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It still hasn't gotten to the point where I'm like, I'm in a 3D world. | |
| I completely disagree. | ||
| I go to that movie theater and it doesn't feel perfect, but I put those glasses on and I watch those dudes in Avatar floating inside that room. | ||
| I was like, holy shit, this is awesome! | ||
| That movie is an event. | ||
| It's not just a movie. | ||
| It's not just you go and you watch a bunch of shit happen. | ||
| The thing that's great about Avatar, it's like a goddamn comic book ride. | ||
| It's like a ride, like a super ride at Universal CityWalk. | ||
| That's one of the things I said about it. | ||
| The acting is kind of clunky. | ||
| Sigourney Weaver sounds like she's mailing it in a bunch of times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She gave it up. | |
| Yeah, she gave the fuck up. | ||
| Like, come on, guys! | ||
| Are we serious here? | ||
| Where's my cigarette? | ||
| It's like, whoa! | ||
| It seemed like the kind of acting that you see in those rides at Universal CityWalk. | ||
| Like, right before you go on the ride, they make you watch some Back to the Future clip where they explain what happened. | ||
| We're in a bad situation, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've got to get through the tunnel quickly before the nuclear bomb explodes. | |
| There's not much time. | ||
| Please, in an orderly fashion, hurry up and get into your chair. | ||
| My popcorn! | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Okay, but tell me it wasn't lame when they said, when all the other armies came out to fight them, and people were like, oh, we got all the other armies to come out. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| Where were they the whole time? | ||
| I didn't even hear about them. | ||
| They're right over there! | ||
| What? | ||
| The Na'vi. | ||
| Why don't you just get them earlier? | ||
| Yeah, what are you guys doing? | ||
| In order for it to really work, all these places that bought their HD cameras now have to buy 3D cameras. | ||
| All these shows have to be filmed a different way. | ||
| Right, but that's going to happen, Brian, because they used to have to do black and white. | ||
| That's what they did. | ||
| They did black and white. | ||
| They went from black and white to color. | ||
| They went from color to HD. They're going to go. | ||
| Why wouldn't it have happened already? | ||
| Because it's all technology that's advancing. | ||
| I bet before it's 3D they're going to skip to the next technology. | ||
| It's never been that interesting. | ||
| During the black and white, early color years of television, when you first saw 3D, you probably thought, this is a breakthrough. | ||
| You're talking to someone who saw Jaws 3D in a theater. | ||
| You guys should have. | ||
| Fucking boring as shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's dumb. | |
| It's still sweet. | ||
| When that shark comes at you like... | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| But back then you also thought video games were like this that were like amazing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well that's why things improve and technology advances and that's why 3D has finally come into its own. | ||
| I just think that 3D would have been popular It wasn't good. | ||
| There's no way you guys are going to settle this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think this new 3D movie is going to catch on in the 3D? I think eventually it's the future. | |
| For sure. | ||
| Movies are way more exciting when they're in 3D. Way more interesting. | ||
| It's more layered. | ||
| I heard Alice in Wonderland. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| I heard the visuals are incredible. | ||
| That's wrong. | ||
| Did you read the article on Engadget? | ||
| No. | ||
| This guy totally puts a detailed review of why it sucks in 3D and makes so much sense. | ||
| Like the director used layers in the movie in certain ways to give an effect Of depth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then 3D comes in there and changes what he was doing and it supposedly just does not work. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it would be cooler if you saw it in 2D. Yeah, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what he said. | |
| He said it wasn't filmed for 3D. And that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Oh, but Avatar was. | ||
| Avatar was filmed for 3D. No way. | ||
| No way Tim Burton does not know his film is being filmed for 3D. No, no, no. | ||
| Dude, he did not film it for a 3D movie. | ||
| That's what I'm trying to say. | ||
| Avatar was filmed So his movie, they filmed it as a 2D movie, and they encoded it for 3D. Right. | ||
| Oh, I don't know, man. | ||
| I'd have to see it. | ||
| See, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| All this shit would have to be filmed in 3D, and it's going to take a lot of people to go, really, do we want to spend this whole movie being a 3D movie? | ||
| You know, like Jaws 3D. They had to go back. | ||
| Dude, you're crazy. | ||
| Listen to me, dummy. | ||
| They're going to do it for every single gigantic explosive action movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It would make sense. | |
| It's going to make them much more exciting. | ||
| It would make sense. | ||
| It's going to be way cooler. | ||
| Every monster movie, everything with aliens. | ||
| Don't they work way more in 2D than in 3D? Don't they make way more in 2D than in 3D in ticket sales? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Because they do both at the same time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but you do both at the same time. | |
| And also the 3D hypes up the sales of the 2D. They had to re-release Jaws 3 in non-3D because it didn't do so. | ||
| Because it was fucking terrible. | ||
| That fucking thing came out like... | ||
| It was like, there's only like one effect too. | ||
| It was so dumb. | ||
| It was like one effect, the shark coming at you. | ||
| It was like such a stupid ass movement. | ||
| You're like, we're not in the ocean. | ||
| We get it. | ||
| I just think the 3D is going to be fail. | ||
| That's my bet. | ||
| You what? | ||
| I think 3D is going to be fail. | ||
| And what do you think it's going to be going to skip to then? | ||
| What's next? | ||
| Like more better than that. | ||
| Kind of like a projection hologram in your house. | ||
| Dude, I think that's coming too. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| But I think until that does come, this is pretty fucking sick. | ||
| Actually, you know what I think is going to come more? | ||
| You know what I think is going to come more? | ||
| Where wall, like paper LCD technology, where this whole wall is going to be like computer, large size. | ||
| This screen. | ||
| I bet we'll see that in our lifetime. | ||
| Call mom on this screen. | ||
| Do you think it'll ever get to a point where everything is controlled by your voice? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But what about if you don't want to talk? | ||
| What if it's late at night? | ||
| Mic off. | ||
| Password. | ||
| Mic on. | ||
| Password. | ||
| XXX. Hmm. | ||
| But you would have another interface, like keyboard or something? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You just go up to the wall and go, keyboard! | ||
| Will keyboards always be here, or do you think the voice recognition will get so good that it'll be irrelevant? | ||
| I think eventually it will get so good. | ||
| Do you use voice technology at all? | ||
| Do you ever use that sound? | ||
| I used it briefly on my Android, and it was amazing. | ||
| It was way better than I've ever used it ever. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| That's why I keep hearing about that, because it's okay with some things. | ||
| It's okay with BlackBerry. | ||
| Like BlackBerry, you could say, like, call Brian, and it'll call you. | ||
| You know, it's pretty good about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which number? | ||
| Cell. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Calling. | |
| Yeah, it's bad in my car. | ||
| In your senior car, it works well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's bad in my car. | ||
| I have the Ford Edge. | ||
| The Ford doesn't work like that? | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, call Joe. | ||
| A what? | ||
| Number? | ||
| Calling Sally? | ||
| Calling Sally! | ||
| Calling grandma. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes it's completely off. | ||
| But I think that's also the noise of the road. | ||
| That's why I like, instead of the, you know, that when you're doing it in a car, it's a speakerphone. | ||
| It's like talking, it's not crisp. | ||
| So what I always do is, I always do it straight from the phone. | ||
| You're talking right into that little tiny mic. | ||
| It's pretty direct. | ||
| Seems pretty accurate. | ||
| Enough. | ||
| It beats having to press buttons. | ||
| I don't want to press buttons when I'm driving. | ||
| It's all gone through the Bluetooth. | ||
| That's one of the coolest things ever. | ||
| You can drive in your car and talk to people on the phone with both hands on the steering wheel. | ||
| That's just nuts. | ||
| Did you hear about this company overseas? | ||
| It's releasing the first jetpack that you can buy. | ||
| There's going to be about 500 of them being made. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| And they're going for about 70,000 each. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| So I don't have to go above 30 feet, but I'm going to 200. Fuck it. | ||
| They last 30 minutes, I believe. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a long time. | ||
| 30 minutes, you'd be bored already. | ||
| You'd have to set your alarm. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Toyota can't even get their shit together. | ||
| Yeah, but dude, what if you have a jetpack and you only go... | ||
| Five feet off the ground. | ||
| Just keep fucking whooping around. | ||
| But what if it freaks out and goes 500 feet in the ground and you're stuck up in the air? | ||
| You'd have to have some sort of a parachute, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You'd have to be able to cut the jetpack off too because it'd be extra weight. | ||
| Imagine if you dropped on someone's fucking head. | ||
| No, you wouldn't be able to cut it off. | ||
| They wouldn't let you. | ||
| They wouldn't let you? | ||
| Yeah, because you're doing that. | ||
| I'll bring you a knife, motherfucker. | ||
| I planned out. | ||
| Did you see how many Toyotas were recalled in Japan? | ||
| Did you hear one last night in San Diego? | ||
| Did you hear about it? | ||
| Another accident? | ||
| The guy couldn't stop and the police cop got to the side of him and was like using his PSA. Hit the power button! | ||
| And the guy kept on hitting the power button. | ||
| When it worked, he was standing on the brake, he said, just like, full black. | ||
| He should go in and do it. | ||
| Why didn't he put his transmission in? | ||
| I don't understand it, but I think it has something to do where it just won't let you do anything. | ||
| And then the cop had to get in front of him, I guess, and, like, so, you know, to kind of break his car. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I'm guessing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's one of the good things about a standard clutch. | ||
| You know, you can always put it in yourself. | ||
| Slow it down that way. | ||
| Well, if it was standard, even if it was manual transmission, you could always put it into zero, into neutral. | ||
| And the emergency brake doesn't work? | ||
| Yeah, I don't get how it... | ||
| Well, maybe the computer wouldn't let the transmission switch gears. | ||
| No emergency brake? | ||
| Emergency brake doesn't really work. | ||
| This was on a Prius. | ||
| Emergency brake is really a parking brake. | ||
| Parking brake, you're right. | ||
| But you would have to definitely put that on. | ||
| Oh, fuck, you would have to try. | ||
| He was standing on his brake, too. | ||
| George Lucas says that he's found things that are wrong with the Prius, and he says it's a software issue that he can duplicate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They still deny it, though. | ||
| They still deny it, though. | ||
| Listen, George, not George Lucas, George Wozniak. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Steve Wozniak. | |
| Steve Wozniak. | ||
| With George Lucas. | ||
| Fat, old, rich guys. | ||
| I lump them all together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How does who know? | |
| Kenny Rogers. | ||
| Kenny Rogers. | ||
| How funny is that? | ||
| Anyway, Steve Wozniak, who's one of the super geniuses who founded Apple, he has a Prius, and he said that there's an issue with the accelerator, and he can replicate it. | ||
| He can do like a specific number of things, you know, you hit the blinker, do this, do that, and it'll happen. | ||
| And he said he can do it safely, and he shows them how to do it. | ||
| He says, this is a software issue. | ||
| That's what's so scary about these fucking computer-controlled cars, man. | ||
| Computers crash. | ||
| There's some beauty in an old Mustang. | ||
| You turn the fucking key. | ||
| The ignition fires up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| The fucking tack is there. | ||
| The speedometer is there. | ||
| You smell the fucking gasoline. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| There's nothing helping you out, stupid. | ||
| You got drum brakes. | ||
| Okay, those brakes suck dick. | ||
| They're terrible. | ||
| They don't slow you down. | ||
| They barely work. | ||
| You got 350, 375 fucking American horsepower from a high-torque V8. A nasty sound of the exhaust. | ||
| You just drive. | ||
| Stick shift, four on the floor. | ||
| Everything that got more advanced, the more advanced it gets, the more you're taking chances. | ||
| When you go to fucking software, that shit would just break on you. | ||
| My braces would go so bad when I was in high school and didn't have money to fix them. | ||
| It would be an adventure just stopping. | ||
| From 30 miles an hour, you're like, oh, please, please, no, no! | ||
| And just eventually, right in front of the car in front of you, stop, be like, oh, God, all right, good. | ||
| Isn't it amazing when you were allowed to drive when you were young how fucking dumb you were and you could still drive? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Driving it should be 30. A destroyer, a giant machine that could kill people. | |
| And you're 16, you're allowed to fucking hammer around on it. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing that we're all alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God! | |
| I got a ton of accidents when I was young. | ||
| I drove like a retard. | ||
| These cars could not do what I wanted them to do. | ||
| They were just hitting trees and shit. | ||
| When I was 16, I was just way too wild to get a driver's license. | ||
| There's no way that should have been legal. | ||
| I should have been riding the bus, getting my shit together for at least another two years. | ||
| By the time I was 18, I had mellowed out. | ||
| Gotten used to the fact that I was driving around. | ||
| Then I was safe. | ||
| Between 16 and 18, that shit should have been terrible. | ||
| Yeah, there's no way. | ||
| Yeah, drive as fast as you possibly can for like 30 yards. | ||
| Yeah, retard. | ||
| Yeah, just no reason. | ||
| Cutting people off. | ||
| Running reds. | ||
| It's scary shit, man. | ||
| It's scary shit. | ||
| All the different automated things that are going on today. | ||
| So many different things are automated, you know? | ||
| What scares the shit out of me is these drones that they use overseas. | ||
| You know, they have these drones that fly above Pakistan. | ||
| And launch missiles down. | ||
| Because we're not at war. | ||
| We're not in Pakistan. | ||
| But there's like, you know, Taliban and Jews that are in Pakistan. | ||
| So we want to fuck them up. | ||
| So we send these robots in space. | ||
| I mean, this is like fucking... | ||
| This is really like science fiction. | ||
| We send these flying robots that we remotely control from a base somewhere, and these dudes are literally using Xbox controllers. | ||
| Because these kids are so used to playing Xbox, they know those computers so well, they just program the software to control the drones to use that same device. | ||
| So they got a fucking Xbox controller, and they're controlling the drones. | ||
| Yeah, what if your controller goes out? | ||
| Well, anything can happen. | ||
| Anything can happen. | ||
| It just drops over somebody's house? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, people have died. | ||
| A bunch of people have died. | ||
| A lot of civilian casualties. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| A lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These drones, I mean... | ||
| They're very effective, but shit man, you're launching missiles from the sky. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| American civilians? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| These poor Afghanistan people, they're getting jacked left and right. | ||
| I mean, in Pakistan as well. | ||
| It's a scary thing, man. | ||
| They fire something called Hellfire missiles. | ||
| Imagine that? | ||
| That's what they named them. | ||
| Hellfire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| You know, not like Freedom Maker or something like that, you know? | ||
| Just pure death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Death with a bad afterlife. | ||
| Yeah, not like, you know, not like the strong arm of peace. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Coming from below. | ||
| Hellfire missiles. | ||
| To claim you. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| Hellfire? | ||
| That doesn't make you feel good. | ||
| The whole idea of the whole war is so crazy. | ||
| What's really crazy is that the CIA had the president of Afghanistan's brother on his fucking payroll. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and this guy is like deep in the poppy business. | ||
| The CIA was paying him. | ||
| It was just recently revealed that the CIA has been paying him for a long time. | ||
| He was on the CIA fucking payroll. | ||
| He's the brother of the president in Afghanistan, and he's in the poppy business. | ||
| I mean, the whole thing is crazy. | ||
| That's 90-something percent of the world's heroin. | ||
| All comes from Afghanistan. | ||
| 90-something percent. | ||
| Garant fucking T. Some evil motherfucker in some high lofty position, you know, I don't want to name the organization because who the fuck knows who's really bringing it in. | ||
| I mean, if it even has a name. | ||
| Those guys are profiting off that shit. | ||
| Make money off it. | ||
| Distributors. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It's been proven many, many times. | ||
| You know, there's a plane that the CIA had, we talked about this before on the show, this plane had crashed in Mexico with four tons of cocaine in it. | ||
| And it was a jet that had been to Guantanamo Bay twice. | ||
| It was a CIA jet. | ||
| This fucking jet had been to Guantanamo Bay on two separate occasions and this fucking thing was flying cocaine into the United States and crashed into Mexico. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Four tons of coke, man. | |
| So many different stories. | ||
| If you want to look at any of this stuff online, look up that plane that crashed. | ||
| Then look up the story of Barry Seals. | ||
| Barry Seals was a guy who was a drug runner. | ||
| He would fly drugs in from South America to the United States and drop them off in Mena, Arkansas in a little plane. | ||
| And he would drop a parachute. | ||
| Well, these two kids saw the drop-off one day and they caught the kids because they didn't want the kids telling. | ||
| They killed them. | ||
| And their parents found out that it was a murder because the cops had said that they found these kids on the train tracks. | ||
| Apparently they placed their bodies on the train tracks. | ||
| And they said, oh, they got stoned and they laid out on the train tracks. | ||
| And the parents did autopsies. | ||
| They found knife wounds. | ||
| The kids had been stabbed. | ||
| So they stabbed these kids and killed them, and then they laid them on the tracks. | ||
| And so then, it became this gigantic investigation, who was flying, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| They get a hold of this guy, Barry Seals, and Barry Seals totally spills the beans. | ||
| Tells the whole story, all the different shit that he did. | ||
| And he's ready to testify, goes to court, and they fucking assassinate him, literally on his way to court. | ||
| So this dude's on his way to court. | ||
| He's got George Bush's phone number in his pocket at the time. | ||
| And he gets murdered in his car on the way to talk about it. | ||
| And this was a guy that was an employee of the CIA. And there's not just those. | ||
| There's a bunch of them. | ||
| Michael Rupert is a guy who wrote a book about it. | ||
| He was an LAPD detective. | ||
| Something in LAPD. I don't know what he was. | ||
| But he busted the CIA selling drugs. | ||
| And he was told to back off the case. | ||
| And he's like, this is fucking insane. | ||
| And he's written books about it. | ||
| He's got this website fromthewilderness.com, I believe it is. | ||
| You know, it's all detailing all the different corruption. | ||
| And they're doing it right in front of everybody's fucking face. | ||
| That's the crazy thing. | ||
| I mean, think about how much goddamn cocaine is in this country. | ||
| It's not all coming in because of retarded criminals. | ||
| Because most people that are smuggling cocaine... | ||
| Those are huge organizations and stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what you're saying? | ||
| It's the government. | ||
| The government has something to do with it, for sure. | ||
| Someone and some... | ||
| Some aspect. | ||
| Why wouldn't they? | ||
| If these people want to do drugs, you know, what the fuck? | ||
| Who's making money off the drugs? | ||
| They probably feel like, look, the bad guy's going to make money off the drugs anyway. | ||
| Let's just cut them out. | ||
| We'll take the money. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Drugs are going to be out there no matter what you do. | ||
| And it's all like a nice little cycle because the more people get arrested for those drugs, the more these private prison companies and companies that own these gigantic prisons, the more they're happy because more people are in their prisons, and the more people are in private prisons, the more profit they make. | ||
| So they support all this shit. | ||
| So they actually support drugs being illegal. | ||
| They want them to be illegal. | ||
| They push for it. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| The whole big package is fucking crazy. | ||
| And the idea that the government is behind it all, that there's evidence of it, just makes the whole thing mind-blowing. | ||
| It's just so nuts. | ||
| The fact that the DEA, you know, is like in cahoots with the CIA, and it's all like a big game at the very top. | ||
| It's all horseshit. | ||
| It's all just profit and money. | ||
| How much fucking money must they be making? | ||
| There must be so much money in drugs. | ||
| Who gets the money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That's a good question, right? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| How many people are involved? | ||
| And where does it go? | ||
| I mean, if the CIA, if someone in the CIA, someone in the organization really is selling drugs, is it just every now and then a rogue agent goes fucking nutty and cuts some deal with some fucking drug smug killer? | ||
| Or is it all the time? | ||
| Do you think it's all the time? | ||
| That's how it gets in the country. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, how many times has it happened, though? | ||
| I mean, how much cocaine do we have already here? | ||
| How long does cocaine last? | ||
| You know, if you bring in a whole gigantic, Ship full of it. | ||
| Where would you keep it? | ||
| How long does it take to get it on the street? | ||
| Someone's bringing it in. | ||
| It's not these morons. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| They'd be getting busted left and right. | ||
| People that are so crazy that they're willing to do something that insane, like smuggle a million dollars for their cocaine in the country, those people are crazy. | ||
| Those people get busted doing shit. | ||
| That's not like a rational person. | ||
| I think they optioned that part out. | ||
| Like they hired somebody to transport. | ||
| The more people you hired, the more people are going to kill you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The more people you hire, the worse your idea is. | ||
| Because the more people that can get busted and wear a wire and put you in jail, it's very dangerous. | ||
| The smart move to do if you're doing something like that is to hire as few people as possible. | ||
| Take your own ship over somewhere. | ||
| You don't do it. | ||
| Yeah, that might be the way to do it. | ||
| Might be the way to do it. | ||
| You might have to bring your own ship. | ||
| No way some cartel guy transports a shit. | ||
| No, those guys don't do it. | ||
| They hire other guys to do it. | ||
| That's why they always live in these fucking gigantic compounds with 15 dogs and 80 guns. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Fucking nuts, man. | ||
| Imagine that life. | ||
| In Mexico, they're going crazy. | ||
| The Mexican drug war is just off the fucking chain. | ||
| When we talked to Victor about it, you know, the dude, Victor Davila, he just got out. | ||
| Our guy from the UFC who does Spanish commentary, he does my job, he just got out of Juarez. | ||
| He was living in Juarez. | ||
| That's what he says every time it's a knockout. | ||
| Does he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He says Goal. | |
| No he doesn't. | ||
| No he doesn't. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought he did. | |
| Oh Ari, so mean. | ||
| I should have let that go. | ||
| That was my biggest regret. | ||
| You're not telling everyone now, you know, Victor says this. | ||
| That's hilarious because I thought he did. | ||
| I was like, wow, imagine if he did if that was his thing. | ||
| Because Michael Chevello, the guy who does the K1 commentary, he goes, the best Really? | ||
| He screams out of a big kibosh when a guy gets cracked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah, he's awesome. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
More hooks than a pirate convention! | |
| He says, like, crazy shit. | ||
| He's been mounted more times than Jenna Hayes! | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he says that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They don't fuck with him? | ||
| They let him just do whatever he wants? | ||
| No, they want it. | ||
| The people love it. | ||
| I think he's hilarious. | ||
| That would be fun to make this. | ||
| He's my favorite guy to listen to. | ||
| Get some Pinot. | ||
| He's a super cool dude, too, man. | ||
| We hung out with him in Canada, in Edmonton, and then we hung out with him and his girlfriend again in Australia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Super cool dude. | |
| Couldn't be nicer. | ||
| He's Australian, that's right. | ||
| More hooks than a pirate convention! | ||
| That's my favorite one. | ||
| A pirate convention! | ||
| My name is Man, I'm from Somalia. | ||
| A pirate convention. | ||
| How come we don't hear about the fucking Somalian pirates anymore? | ||
| We got bored of it. | ||
| They got canceled. | ||
| We got bored of it. | ||
| Those two people ever escaped? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Those two people ever escaped? | ||
| Oh, the English couple's still fucked. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, they still got those bitches locked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Kidnapped them. | ||
| They want millions. | ||
| They know these guys are worth millions. | ||
| Who knows what they're doing to them, too? | ||
| They're probably fucking them. | ||
| They've been, they were surprisingly good about once you pay the money, they give you everything back safely. | ||
| Yeah, but what are they doing right now while these people aren't coughing up the money? | ||
| I bet they're fucking them. | ||
| They might. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Why wouldn't they fuck them? | ||
| These pretty white people, silky smooth white skin, worth billions. | ||
| These guys are like super, super rich, right? | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Or are they just like regular folks? | ||
| No, I'm, they're not the people that, were they the people that were kidnapped on the yacht? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, the guy and the girl, and they were like real travelers. | ||
| On their own, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| Oh, another ship's turning about. | ||
| We are in, uh... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello there! | |
| ...in 2010, and this is the internet, so we're gonna find out, because I think that's fucking interesting. | ||
| Because that's one of the things about traveling is that, um, the... | ||
| It gets fucking nerve-wracking thinking about what is safe and what is not in all these other places. | ||
| Different laws. | ||
| Some countries don't have our laws. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I was in Brazil... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| That, uh, scared the shit out of me. | ||
| Brazil. | ||
| Brazil was, uh, Brazil was very much, like, uh, Sao Paulo, there was, um, there was a feeling in the air, like, you know, you gotta watch where you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Most of the people were very nice, very friendly, a lot of beautiful houses, a lot of nice neighborhoods, but it was also, like... | ||
| The Arabs show up. | ||
| If you go to the market and it's in Jerusalem and you walk into the airport, people are like, don't. | ||
| Wow, someone from the Navy witnessed it. | ||
| Kidnapped British yachtsman. | ||
| Oh, he's a yachtsman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Who's this passing ship? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello there! | |
| What do you want? | ||
| What? | ||
| No! | ||
| Oh my god, yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's spreading it? | |
| No, she's pasty white. | ||
| No, she's just... | ||
| That's somebody else's look. | ||
| She's pasty white. | ||
| They're pasty white, rich English people. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They must have fucked up. | ||
| We're traveling around there, Shannon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All to be good. | |
| These guys are nuts. | ||
| They went from Turkey through Africa, down through Saudi Arabia to Somalia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll put the link up on my Twitter. | |
| I'll put the link up. | ||
| Pirates vs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ninjas. | |
| Who would you choose? | ||
| Go! | ||
| Ninja, for sure. | ||
| Pirates are assholes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you actually think about this longer than... | |
| Where is it? | ||
| On the ocean? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Ninjas is always the immediate answer. | ||
| Why? | ||
| How are they going to take the ocean? | ||
| They don't have boats, ninjas? | ||
| This is why it's better, because when you're a ninja, you know for sure you can kick that pirate's ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, no one's... | ||
| They should make a movie where it's like a ninja who's also a pirate. | ||
| You're fucking 12. Yeah, pirate ninja. | ||
| Do they have that yet? | ||
| They probably. | ||
| They should. | ||
| You are a 12-year-old boy, son. | ||
| Like, he takes off his mask and he has like a little eye patch under his mask. | ||
| And there's like a squished parrot. | ||
| Like, I'm squished! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, these people have not paid yet. | ||
| The pirates believe these people are wealthy. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| They're not wealthy. | ||
| All they have, they put into their yacht. | ||
| All their money, they put into their yacht. | ||
| Wow, these guys are fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, this is scary shit, man. | |
| They went nutty, man. | ||
| These people sailed all the way down to Africa. | ||
| That's the dream! | ||
| To fucking Somalia. | ||
| With the Suez Canal. | ||
| They went to Mumbai. | ||
| They went across the ocean to India. | ||
| And then they went all the way back towards Tanzania. | ||
| And that's where they got jacked. | ||
| This is the dream of sailing around the world. | ||
| Retiring and sailing around the world. | ||
| My parents did that, you know. | ||
| My parents went to the Florida Keys. | ||
| And they lived in the Bahamas for a while. | ||
| But it's nerve-wracking, man. | ||
| You're living on a fucking boat out in the water. | ||
| And... | ||
| You know, when the storms come, your fucking house is literally flopping back and forth and it might go under. | ||
| Other houses are going to crash into it. | ||
| My dad had to get up in the middle of the night and go out to, in the middle of horrible rough waters, climb on other people's boats and secure their anchors because they didn't secure their anchor correctly and their boats were drifting and they had to worry about their boats slamming into his boat. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Slamming? | ||
| Yeah, it's dangerous shit. | ||
| They had a little sailboat and they lived on a little sailboat for a couple of years. | ||
| Pretty nutty shit, man. | ||
| Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you go to all these other places, you realize, like, god damn, we're lucky it's safe here, you know? | ||
| Trying to say take flights. | ||
| Human beings are, we are only as civilized as our circumstances, you know? | ||
| And I learned that when we were in San Francisco, and the fucking, we thought the building was on fire. | ||
| I was really thinking, like, how am I going to do this? | ||
| When we're evacuating, there was 15 flights of stairs, and people were going down the stairs in single file, and people were panicking, and they were asking questions, and they were stopping the line, and they were going really slow, and they were shitting their pants. | ||
| And while this was all happening, you could look down through the spirals and see the smoke coming up from the bottom, and I was ready to jump. | ||
| I was ready to just start climbing down. | ||
| I was ready to just start, fuck you, I'm just going to start climbing. | ||
| People are panicking and they're not going fast enough. | ||
| They're like freaking out and everyone's in every floor. | ||
| They're merging. | ||
| And you start thinking like this is how someone can die. | ||
| You can die like this. | ||
| You can get stuck in a fucking fire, man. | ||
| This is scary shit. | ||
| Very, very scary shit. | ||
| Yeah, that really freaked me out. | ||
| And now I hate going... | ||
| I used to like to be at the top floor for some reason. | ||
| Like as high as I can get when I go to a hotel. | ||
| But now I'm like, no, no, no. | ||
| Do you have like second floor? | ||
| Because of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was one of the worst times in my life. | ||
| That's the only time ever I thought I for sure was going to die. | ||
| I didn't think I was going to die, but I thought we were in a very, very bad situation here. | ||
| I was very thankful when we got out and everything was okay. | ||
| And it turned out it wasn't really a fire, that the smoke was actually the fire extinguishers, because these assholes got drunk at like 4.30 in the morning and just started... | ||
| Did you fart? | ||
| No, he was saying that it was him that sprayed this shit. | ||
| It probably was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you. | |
| But it was the whole fucking room, the whole floor was covered in this smoke and the fire alarms went off, I guess because they activated the thing. | ||
| So it was no real fire, but God damn it was scary as fuck. | ||
| It could have very easily been a fire. | ||
| It's terrifying shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That energy could just overcome you, you know? | ||
| That's one of those old-ass buildings. | ||
| They're not safe, man. | ||
| Single-fire staircases? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| Oh, that was awful. | ||
| They could suck it. | ||
| Twelve floors going into one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fifteen. | |
| I was on fifteen. | ||
| Fifteen was floors going into one staircase. | ||
| I think there were other ones, but they were hidden staircases. | ||
| Dude, there were so many people that were walking so slow. | ||
| They were panicking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| They had just woken up, and they were delirious, and they were unhealthy, and they weren't athletic. | ||
| They weren't like people who can move well. | ||
| So here they get up, and some people need a long-ass fucking time to get going, like they're in their 60s and 70s, and all of a sudden you put them on a staircase like, oh my god, I'm gonna die because this guy can't walk. | ||
| You gotta walk faster, buddy. | ||
| You gotta walk. | ||
| There's a gap in front of you, motherfucker. | ||
| Normally there's a gap on the stairs, it doesn't mean shit, but when you see smoke on the second floor, and there's like 10 feet between you and the next guy, you're like, dude, you gotta move, man. | ||
| What are you doing to my cat? | ||
| He's attacking Brian. | ||
| You're playing with it. | ||
| He has to put his sleeve over his hand or she scratches it up. | ||
| You can't rub her belly. | ||
| She likes to bite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's going crazy. | |
| Our sphere will be right back, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Now we're going to go to your emails and calls. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| When are we going to do the Skype thing, man? | ||
| Right now. | ||
| No, it's Skype. | ||
| No, don't do it right now. | ||
| I don't want to answer any calls. | ||
| Talk to Johnny Depp live. | ||
| Who's trying to death? | ||
| Pirate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I thought we're ninjas, bro. | ||
| We are. | ||
| Ari likes the pirates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello. | |
| This guy says that's why I bring a collection of sheets just in case I need to tie them together and dip. | ||
| Dude, don't think I wasn't thinking about it. | ||
| And the lower I got, the more I was thinking, okay, maybe I could jump out from here and live. | ||
| Maybe I could jump out from here and live. | ||
| You start thinking crazy shit. | ||
| Your survival instincts, you really become an animal. | ||
| You become an organism that's trying to survive. | ||
| You don't really think about anything else. | ||
| That's why this end of the world shit is crazy when the zombies come and shit. | ||
| I'm going to be the first one to eat somebody in our group. | ||
| We gotta eat her! | ||
| Why do you think that? | ||
| I don't know, I'm just kidding. | ||
| I think about zombies, we've talked about this before, I think this whole idea of reincarnating people after they're dead. | ||
| You know, like the whole cryogenics thing where they're taking people and they're freezing them like they did with Walt Disney. | ||
| I think if there are really zombies, that's a zombie. | ||
| A zombie is when a person dies, their soul goes to the next stage of existence, their energy, their essence, and you just reanimate their flesh. | ||
| And that flesh needs to stay alive, but it doesn't think at all. | ||
| It's just moving on instincts. | ||
| It's like trying to eat things in front of it. | ||
| You're trying to bite your arm and eat it because it's hungry. | ||
| Remember that old experiment with the dog where they brought dogs back to life? | ||
| Did you ever see that? | ||
| Is that the Russian film? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Oh, you gotta look that up on Google. | ||
| That's crazy shit. | ||
| They have like this head of a dog and they hook it up to these chemicals and the dog just starts coming back to life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Like starts licking his lips. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Russian... | ||
| Russian experiment. | ||
| Russian scientists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, scientists, dog, dead... | |
| Vagina. | ||
| Black vagina. | ||
| A Russian scientist kept a dead dog's severed head alive. | ||
| Dude, that is one of the creepiest videos I ever saw. | ||
| And that's probably something like, that's a zombie dog right there. | ||
| That's a zombie dog. | ||
| They kept alive with electrical stimulation? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now imagine if they made a thing that they could just put a collar around its neck to do the same thing. | ||
| Like it digs into the right things and can control it. | ||
| Well, I think for sure, you know, one of the things that there was, people, here's the video. | ||
| Wow, that's the dog. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Zombie dog. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Is there a video? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm gonna put it on Twitter first so we can all watch together Hold me close to Tony Daneza Oh How hilarious is Jimmy Kimmel? | |
| He's hilarious. | ||
| You guys ever watch him? | ||
| You know what was the best thing? | ||
| That thing that he did with Leno when he came out as Leno and did his whole show as Leno? | ||
| Dude, that thing was harsh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Did you tweet it? | ||
| That's a cartoon. | ||
| No, it's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just explaining. | |
| He's explaining how he does it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He saw how he's feeding the dog brain. | |
| He's arterialized in the reservoir where there's a steady flow of oxygen. | ||
| This is just some mad scientist shit. | ||
| They're trying to figure out what makes flesh and tissue alive. | ||
| And this dog, they're feeding blood to this dog's head, while this fucking dog's head is severed. | ||
| I mean, this is, they're explaining it in a cartoon form, but then watch, they do it. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Look at that. | ||
| Isn't that freaky? | ||
| That's insane, man. | ||
| It kept that dog's head alive for hours. | ||
| Look, it's moving around. | ||
| It's reacting when he tickles its nose, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Can't bark. | ||
| It's got no voice box. | ||
| It's got no lungs, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's got nothing. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Citric acid. | ||
| He's taking citric acid out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you going to do? | |
| Put it on his nose? | ||
| Can you imagine doing that to, like, your old pet? | ||
| Because you wanted to make it feel like it's still alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| He's licking it. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| The dog's head is completely removed from its body, and it's licking its nose. | ||
| The guy covered its nose with citric acid. | ||
| Wow, it's so cute. | ||
| It's a cute dog. | ||
| He's licking his nose. | ||
| Yeah, why'd they have to chop his fucking head off? | ||
| So did they... | ||
| Just to figure out that he can do it? | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's blinking. | |
| Oh my god, they poured light on his... | ||
| Oh, don't do that! | ||
| Oh no, sound, sound. | ||
| They picked up a hammer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was scary, they were gonna smash his face. | |
| Yeah, do you know? | ||
| He just knocked the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Brian, didn't you watch a video? | ||
| He's just laying the ground with a hammer. | ||
| Did you watch a video? | ||
| Oh, he's reacting to noise. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| He's trying to get away from the hammer noise. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so crazy. | ||
| Now, did they cut his head off and then put it right on that machine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they didn't really ever die. | ||
| They just chopped his fucking head off. | ||
| They didn't bring it back to life. | ||
| No. | ||
| Actually, I don't know exactly how long it was, but this crazy guy did a bunch of these kind of experiments. | ||
| Fuck, that's so scary. | ||
| Very interesting shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, it's like... | |
| A guy who's willing to do something that dark, I mean, I understand it's all for the name of science and all that stuff, but a guy who's willing to take an animal and completely disregard its suffering just to find out what you can do to it, that guy will do that to people. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| I think, I mean, maybe not, but... | ||
| What about lab rats? | ||
| Where's the line? | ||
| Yeah, where's the line? | ||
| I mean, why not take people that suck? | ||
| There was a guy who recently got arrested. | ||
| I don't want to be in charge of choosing that. | ||
| He's being sentenced right now. | ||
| He was on the dating game back in the 70s. | ||
| And this chick turned him down. | ||
| I'll find that too. | ||
| The chick turned him down. | ||
| And after the chick turned him down, because the chick didn't want to go out with him. | ||
| Well, it turned out, before he was even on the show in 1968, he'd already raped a child. | ||
| He raped a 12-year-old girl. | ||
| They didn't know about it. | ||
| So he gets on the show. | ||
| He wins. | ||
| The girl doesn't want to date him. | ||
| The girl doesn't want to date him. | ||
| And he goes on a fucking killing spree. | ||
| Does he kill her? | ||
| No, he doesn't kill her. | ||
| But he kills a child. | ||
| He kills, I think, four people. | ||
| Took one teenage girl out into the woods, sodomized her, and smashed her fucking head with a rock. | ||
| I mean, he did some horrible, horrible shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's an evil, evil fuck. | |
| And, um, I mean, that guy, let's do, cut his fucking head off. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| The guy's killed four people, rapes and sodomizes a chick, kills with a rock. | ||
| Let's cut his head off. | ||
| Why are we kidding? | ||
| This dog didn't do shit. | ||
| You know, that guy is the one. | ||
| Bachelor number one will fucking kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it is. | |
| This is the guy. | ||
| This is him in court right now. | ||
| Whoa, he got way older. | ||
| Well, this is 1978, bro. | ||
| But he went on a fucking killing spree. | ||
| He raped her with a claw hammer. | ||
| They're all repeatedly, all of them were repeatedly strangled and then resuscitated during their deaths to prolong their agony. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| He woke them up again. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| Evil, evil fuck. | ||
| Yeah, she was hot and smart. | ||
| She smartened up. | ||
| Even in 1978, she knew. | ||
| The other dudes who were on the show with him, they said that he was so creepy they were like, they didn't even realize but they were leaning away from him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And they said that in the locker room, the dressing room, the green room, it wasn't all jokes, like, hey, we're on this crazy TV show. | ||
| It's like, I'm going to win, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| It's my fucking show. | ||
| Like, he was aggressive with them and crazy. | ||
| Like, this guy's fucking creepy. | ||
| Turns out he's a serial killer. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| We should experiment on that motherfucker, right? | ||
| I mean, that's the guy we should be killing, not a goddamn dog. | ||
| Right, Art Shafir? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| I want to sit and study and ask me questions. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| He's acting as his own defense, too. | ||
| Oh, even better. | ||
| I wonder how they caught him. | ||
| I don't know the whole story. | ||
| I don't know how they caught him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him, man. | |
| What a creepy fuck, man. | ||
| There's people that enjoy, they truly enjoy hurting other people. | ||
| You know, they're broken. | ||
| Their wires are just completely crossed, and they actually enjoy it, man. | ||
| It's fucked up, but... | ||
| Talking about Manson and how he tried out for the monkeys. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if he had gotten it, would he still have gone crazy? | ||
| My friend was like, yes, he just would have been a crazy monkey. | ||
| Well, it would have been way more crazy because what if he became one of the monkeys and he got fucking famous and then had incredible power? | ||
| I mean, the power he had over chicks, he was three feet tall and a fucking ex-con. | ||
| He was all over Hollywood. | ||
| He always had hot chicks around him. | ||
| So everyone in Hollywood invited him over. | ||
| Don't think dudes don't do that to death. | ||
| There's always guys that are like, in Vegas especially, that party. | ||
| They'll say, hey, we've got a lot of hot chicks with us. | ||
| Come on down with us. | ||
| And they're always trying to talk to UFC guys and fighters. | ||
| Why are you telling guys you have a lot of hot chicks with you? | ||
| If you have a lot of hot chicks with you, are you just a really super cool guy who wants to make everybody happy? | ||
| Or are you just trying to make friends with everybody and this is the bait you're throwing out there? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's some Manson-style shit. | ||
| The problem is always that I have a lot of hot chicks and they're like, what am I going to do with that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scary shit. | |
| You're going to meet them? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, exactly. | ||
| Are they prostitutes that are willing to have sex with me? | ||
| Otherwise, I don't understand. | ||
| Do you want to talk about your Last Comic Standing thing? | ||
| I went on Last Comic Standing yesterday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You allowed to? | |
| I auditioned for it. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You allowed to talk about it? | |
| Oh, you mean by rules of NBC? Yeah, I could just sign something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I signed a lot of stuff. | |
| I have no idea. | ||
| I'm sure you're allowed. | ||
| And then I get there and they said this year they wanted to do, what's it called, more respectable judges because they're afraid of Ant. | ||
| That level of comic where they were like, uh... | ||
| People, the comics don't really want to do it. | ||
| So they got Gerard Geraldo and Andy Kindler. | ||
| And then at the last minute I found out, Tony, before I got there, it went on that my ex-girlfriend, Natasha, was one of those judges. | ||
| Now this is not just an ex-girlfriend, but there's a big-ass story to it. | ||
| And one of them is that Ari, at one point in time, was quite upset with her. | ||
| Ari? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, the water? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She left me for some guy on Matt TV. And then she started hanging around my safety spot, my clubhouse, and making it uncomfortable for me. | ||
| And then she started dating my friend, and then she was hanging around the clubhouse again, and I threw water in her face. | ||
| So not the best judge. | ||
| Right, not the one I want to be in front of. | ||
| I was like, oh really? | ||
| And then they started grilling me about it. | ||
| Like right before I go on camera asking these questions. | ||
| On before? | ||
| Yeah, right before. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't appreciate answering this. | ||
| Did you think about bailing? | ||
| What? | ||
| Absolutely thought about it. | ||
| But I love uncomfortable situations so much. | ||
| I even said that to the people. | ||
| I was like, ugh. | ||
| You do. | ||
| If I could wash this, it'd be better. | ||
| I think we all do from working at the store. | ||
| It's just so awkward. | ||
| I love it so much that I'm willing to put myself through it just for the awkwardness. | ||
| Well, you know how when we were doing the store, all those years, we'd have those crazy late night shows? | ||
| I think there's something about those late night shows that set... | ||
| You know, there's times when we did gigs together where if I did a gig with Tripoli or me and Brent Ernst and Mike Young did a show once in Hollywood, Florida, and everybody killed. | ||
| And one of the things that Brent Ernst said, when he killed, right after he was bringing me up, he goes, Comedy store, motherfucker! | ||
| You know? | ||
| And it was like joking around like we're in a gang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's a clubhouse. | ||
| It's a gang. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a mentality. | ||
| It's like you know you're working in a shithole. | ||
| You've been in some dark situations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The comedy store, if you don't know, the way it has always been in LA, it used to be that the criminals ran the, the insane people ran the asylum. | ||
| But now it's more it's managed and it kind of sucks now. | ||
| But still, the door guys are all wannabe comics. | ||
| Everyone's a comic. | ||
| They're outside smoking and drinking. | ||
| When there's some five hecklers in there yelling at you, eventually someone will get them. | ||
| The place is entirely black. | ||
| Everything's black. | ||
| The walls are black. | ||
| The floor is so dirty. | ||
| The coloring is black. | ||
| The whole building is black. | ||
| It's a black building. | ||
| It's just dark, man. | ||
| And it used to be a nightclub where Bugsy Siegel owned it in the 1930s and shit called Cero's. | ||
| And it was like a mob joint where dudes were killed there. | ||
| So it's got this weird fucking feel to it. | ||
| I mean, for sure they chopped people up and threw them in the fucking freezer in that place. | ||
| Yeah, they had this, what's it called, the window where they said that there was always one where people would look down. | ||
| Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis used to watch the opening acts from their green room. | ||
| Their green room has a window you can... | ||
| And we could still use it today. | ||
| You go up there and you wash the main room. | ||
| They said that would be where they point out for the bouncers. | ||
| Like, get him out and get him out. | ||
| So they wouldn't have to go and make a hubbub in the room. | ||
| They would just drag him out. | ||
| They said to kill him, I don't know. | ||
| They probably used it for a lot of reasons. | ||
| But it's just, it's an amazing club. | ||
| There's three comedy rooms in it. | ||
| There's an upstairs little tiny one. | ||
| It's called The Belly Room. | ||
| There's an original room that's like 200 seats, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
About 200? | |
| And then there's a main room that's like 400 seats. | ||
| And the fucking club is just so sick, man. | ||
| So much fun shit has happened in that club. | ||
| It's a great development room. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| It's the best place to write material. | ||
| It's less about, like, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People are so not impressed with you there. | |
| Don't showcase there, ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never. | |
| You'll eat it. | ||
| It's very possible to eat it at the store. | ||
| Thea said, never tape at the store. | ||
| You can never tell what's going to happen. | ||
| You can never tell. | ||
| We've been in so many situations where people are screaming things at each other, fights on stage. | ||
| Ari's pulled his cock out at least ten times that I know of. | ||
| I would be willing to bet money. | ||
| That he's pulled his dick out ten times on that stage that I saw. | ||
| That you saw? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He used to pull his balls out all the time and just do a set like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Balls. | |
| I generally just like that. | ||
| Just pull his balls out. | ||
| This is one time I wanted to fuck with Gordy Stevens, so I put my balls, he hated anything homosexual, so I pulled my balls out and left a long t-shirt over them because I was going to bring them on. | ||
| And I had them out before the entire set. | ||
| And there were a couple times where I'd raise my hand like this. | ||
| And people would see it. | ||
| They'd just go up a little bit, so I had to be conscious of doing my set, put my hands down the whole time. | ||
| And then when he got out, because we were doing this thing called cocking, Where I would come behind you and just put my balls on your arm or something. | ||
| Just somewhere on your body. | ||
| We never do it to girls because that's creepy. | ||
| That's illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think it's illegal to do it to dudes too, but if you call the cops you're a bitch. | ||
| Yeah, but Brody was like, don't you ever do that to me. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to cop you. | ||
| And so I went to shake his hand and I was like, Yeah, that's what we're doing. | ||
| Regular people, man, with regular jobs, cannot appreciate that. | ||
| There's something very fun in being juvenile. | ||
| And you know, everybody wants to get all mature and everybody wants to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess. | |
| That's all well and good, but the bottom line is this is a temporary life. | ||
| This is temporary. | ||
| Taking yourself or anything seriously seems dumb to me. | ||
| It seems like you should be having as much fun as possible. | ||
| Even the silly, stupid shit. | ||
| Even the farting on each other. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| It could be a hundred years from now. | ||
| Farting on people is still going to be funny. | ||
| When Joey Diaz comes over and then he farts on you and then waves his hand in front of his ass. | ||
| I mean, it's always funny. | ||
| It's always disgusting. | ||
| Like it gets warmer. | ||
| That's how close it is. | ||
| The only time that makes you angry, the only time that would make you angry, you'd have to be so fucked up in your life. | ||
| Like you'd have to be in a terrible place. | ||
| But if any normal time in life when he does that, it's hilarious. | ||
| - Let's see if he did it to him on a date. | ||
| - Oh, I can see him doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
- Oh, he's on a date. - He could be in the middle of talking. - Let me do this. - You could be in the middle of talking to him, What are you doing here? | |
| You eating dinner? | ||
| Hey, hello, miss. | ||
| Very nice to meet you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on, hold on. | |
| Here we go, motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| What do you think of that? | ||
| Put that on your fucking spaghetti and smoke it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello, miss. | |
| It's nice to meet you. | ||
| Sorry about that one. | ||
| Yo, dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I tell you. | |
| You got a lighter? | ||
| I'll give it right back. | ||
| You would definitely do that. | ||
| He's stolen more lighters from me. | ||
| I should have lighters with fucking homing beacons. | ||
| Put a little beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. | ||
| He used to always talk about him going to 7-Eleven shit. | ||
| Steal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just steal. | |
| Gotta take him to something. | ||
| And he does it like a place. | ||
| He does it at the airport. | ||
| No! | ||
| We're catching a flight! | ||
| If you get held by 30 minutes, we're gonna miss it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, don't. | |
| Does he still do it? | ||
| Dude, he does it all the time. | ||
| Remember when we went to McDonald's and it was one of those places where you grab a quarter pounder, you grab your fries, and you go to the cashier and you go, I got a quarter pounder of fries. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just like, quarter pounder here, quarter pounder here, some french fries in my shirt. | |
| Get out of here. | ||
| Remember that time I stole that food? | ||
| Dude, you just gave them up. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| You just gave them up on the internet. | ||
| I'm talking about Dunkin' Streisand. | ||
| Ryan and I were waiting for food once, and I forgot to wait in line. | ||
| And then somebody kept yelling out, taquitos, taquitos, and nobody picked them up. | ||
| So I just said, fuck it. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did it. | |
| That's right. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| You guys are killing me, man. | ||
| Wow, that's scary. | ||
| It was scary. | ||
| We ate so fast, and we had to run away. | ||
| I got caught for shoplifting when CDs first came out, and I was like 12 or 13 or something. | ||
| And I wanted a CD so bad. | ||
| I had a CD player for my birthday, but it had one CD. It was the Ghostbuster II soundtrack. | ||
| So I was like, I need a new CD. This soundtrack sucks. | ||
| And so I went to the store with my friend, and I stole three CDs and got caught. | ||
| And it was so embarrassing because the CDs were Paulo Abdul, MC Hammer, and something else, like Van Halen or something like that. | ||
| But then his family, both of our families had to come. | ||
| We had to... | ||
| Getting caught shoplifting. | ||
| I got caught shoplifting. | ||
| I got caught shoplifting when I was about 13. I stole a candy bar, and we were about to leave and go to the movies. | ||
| And as I'm walking out of this store, this guy came up and grabbed my arm. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I hate to sit here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| I fucking went to a panel. | ||
| He goes, what did you put in your pocket? | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Why you got a candy bar in your pocket? | ||
| I totally didn't even need to do it. | ||
| I just wanted to see if I could do it. | ||
| I had done it a couple of times. | ||
| I'd stolen, like, gum or something like that, and I just kept doing it. | ||
| You know, when you're a kid, you do... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, just do it. | |
| I think I was 13. I was, like, 12, I think. | ||
| But the thing is, you would've gotten in trouble with your parents. | ||
| No, I was 13 because I was living in Boston. | ||
| Yeah, my parents... | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that's terrible. | |
| Yeah, my parents never found out about it, I don't think. | ||
| I don't think they even told my parents. | ||
| They just told me to get the fuck out of there. | ||
| It was only a candy bar. | ||
| They didn't give a shit. | ||
| We could hold you. | ||
| We could bring you to jail. | ||
| And I just said, look, I'm sorry. | ||
| I don't know why I did it. | ||
| I'm stupid. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I apologized. | ||
| And I said, I got away. | ||
| I told the truth. | ||
| I said, I got away with it before. | ||
| And for whatever reason, I thought I could get away with it. | ||
| And they go, get the fuck out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't ever come. | |
| I can't fucking catch you doing this. | ||
| I'm going to put you in fucking jail. | ||
| Big mustache. | ||
| Big fucking fat head. | ||
| He got in my face. | ||
| And I was like, yes, sir. | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Yeah, I'm glad I got caught, because if I didn't, I'd probably... | ||
| Because I was so addicted to it, because it was when Nintendo came out also. | ||
| And there was this place called... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Service merchandise. | ||
| They didn't know about video games. | ||
| They just put them on the shelf. | ||
| So me and my friend were like, ooh, ooh, ooh, like put 10 in our pants. | ||
| And then we would bury it outside of the store and get it back later, because we didn't want to come home and have all these video games. | ||
| My girlfriend in high school got busted stealing like $1,000 worth of shit. | ||
| She got in like some real trouble. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| The last time I was with my mom, and I saw these pair of sunglasses that I thought were cool, and I put them in my pocket, and as I'm walking out the door, I'm like, what am I doing? | ||
| And I was like, 17. It was like, enough where I'm like, they'll just charge me. | ||
| I'm not cute. | ||
| Yeah, it's scary shit. | ||
| My girlfriend at the time, I think she was 15 when she got caught, but she just wanted nice clothes. | ||
| Everybody had nice clothes, and she was also raised without her dad. | ||
| I think when people are raised without their dad, they're very unbalanced. | ||
| More subjects do crazy shit. | ||
| Her mom worked all day. | ||
| Her mom didn't have enough money to take care of her. | ||
| She couldn't put her in a really nice daycare. | ||
| So you grow up single parent, single child. | ||
| You grow up a little crazy. | ||
| She just thought she could get away with it. | ||
| She thought she was smart. | ||
| She was pretty smart. | ||
| She thought she could get away with it. | ||
| It's either because she was raised with no dad or raised with too much dad. | ||
| Yeah, it was no dad. | ||
| She wasn't like that. | ||
| She wasn't fucked up like that. | ||
| She was just a little crazy. | ||
| You ever look back on chicks that you knew when you were in high school and say, what if I got her pregnant? | ||
| What if I had a fucking kid with her? | ||
| What if I was still connected to her? | ||
| What if I was pregnant and didn't have money is what the real answer is? | ||
| Well, can you imagine, though? | ||
| I mean, not having money is one thing. | ||
| That does suck. | ||
| But being young and not having money and trying to figure out how to raise a child, you're still trying to figure out yourself. | ||
| You'd make the best of your life. | ||
| You would definitely make the best of your life, but goddamn it. | ||
| It's so hard not to project on those people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would hate to fuck it up. | |
| We're like, oh, your life sucks, but it's not that bad. | ||
| They're fine. | ||
| I would hate to fuck it up. | ||
| I would hate to fuck up. | ||
| You know, to raise a kid when you're like a kid yourself, man, that's... | ||
| You could do some irreparable damage to that fucking kid. | ||
| You could teach them something, some really terrible behavior patterns. | ||
| They could model them after you. | ||
| I mean, think about how dumb you were when you were 18. Yeah. | ||
| Now imagine you were black, you had AIDS, and you're fat. | ||
| Yeah, you live in another country. | ||
| How about you just... | ||
| Like Cressions, that's what the big Cressions did. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't seen it, but I could imagine. | ||
| How about you born in the Congo? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| How about you one of those dudes that fucking still fishes by hanging a net over a fucking moving river from a tree? | ||
| They hang with their feet from fucking trees and scoop nets into the water. | ||
| Dude, it's nuts because the river is raging, and if they're not even wearing safety vests, if they fall in that water, they might be fucked. | ||
| There's some video of these guys living in the Congo that are catching fish by doing that. | ||
| It is wild to see, man. | ||
| They are living right now the way the fucking Na'vi lived in Avatar. | ||
| No bullshit, except they don't fly in dragons. | ||
| They're not really great. | ||
| Yeah, it's not cool. | ||
| All the uncool. | ||
| When they come at you, it doesn't seem that interesting. | ||
| They're killing things with spears and bows and arrows and, you know, they're fishing with nets while they're hanging from fucking trees. | ||
| It's loco. | ||
| It's crazy shit, man. | ||
| And these guys are living in 2010. They don't have shit. | ||
| They don't have lights. | ||
| They don't have electricity. | ||
| They don't have anything. | ||
| They have no lighters. | ||
| They don't have shit. | ||
| Occasionally you see one of them will be wearing, like, Western underwear. | ||
| Like, somebody got them some fucking underwear, or one of them would be wearing a t-shirt or some shit, like, from The Gap, and you're like, wow, this is crazy. | ||
| And here they are living in these straw huts in the middle of the fucking jungle, surrounded by monsters, you know? | ||
| That is a scary, scary life, man. | ||
| And that could have easily been us. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You didn't have to be born where you were born. | ||
| I didn't have to be born where I'm born. | ||
| You could totally fuck up and all of a sudden... | ||
| You wouldn't know any different, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You wouldn't know any different, but goddamn how lucky are we. | ||
| I mean, yeah, you would be probably okay. | ||
| I mean, people get used to everything. | ||
| There's a lot of poor countries that look, and I think they're dumb. | ||
| They look down on our lifestyle and they're like, look at them. | ||
| They don't even know if they could have been born here in Afghanistan and had a good life. | ||
| Yeah, there's people that are proud to live in those shitty towns. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of people that are proud to live in Pittsburgh. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| For real. | ||
| You know, you talk to people that fucking love Pittsburgh. | ||
| I'll be here till I die. | ||
| Fucking Pittsburgh is the only town for me. | ||
| Dude, you need to go to Australia. | ||
| Because let me tell you something, man. | ||
| Everyone's friendly. | ||
| The women are gorgeous. | ||
| Everyone's cool as fuck. | ||
| Everyone's super, super relaxed. | ||
| Every third place Joe Orton goes to visit, he says it's the greatest place that everybody wants to move there. | ||
| I always have this instinct to get out of L.A. I came so close. | ||
| I was gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at me. | |
| That's when I thought I was over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They trapped me back in. | |
| They fucking, they got me back. | ||
| The wife got knocked up and the mountain lion ate the dog. | ||
| Snow came. | ||
| The accident on the hills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just too much. | |
| I got crazy. | ||
| I tried to move her right to the mountains. | ||
| That was the big fucker. | ||
| I should have moved her to Boulder and got like a little cabin. | ||
| Take over territory, set up a base there, then move. | ||
| I got this fucking very strong desire to have like a base very far away from the majority of civilization. | ||
| Like I have these crazy, and it's not crazy thoughts of like the end of the world. | ||
| It's just like, I just want no one around. | ||
| You even do that here. | ||
| Any reason you have to be in LA is 45 minutes away. | ||
| In light traffic. | ||
| Have you always been like that? | ||
| No, I've always been like that. | ||
| I've moved further and further away from the hives from the moment I moved to LA. When I first moved to LA, I had an apartment in North Hollywood. | ||
| Then I rented a house in Encino. | ||
| And then I kept going further and further out. | ||
| And my next move, man, I'm going to stay in California, I think. | ||
| But I think I'm going to get a place in Big Bear. | ||
| I want to go get a place up in the mountains. | ||
| Yeah, maybe I should buy his place. | ||
| I wonder if she'll sell it. | ||
| I wonder if she'll sell it. | ||
| I wonder if Lenny even uses it. | ||
| You don't want that junk of spirits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| There's junky spirits in that fucking house. | ||
| What are you trying to do? | ||
| Worshipping Satan, Joe Rogan? | ||
| Junky spirits. | ||
| You know what I would like to get? | ||
| Just a little cabin. | ||
| Just somewhere where I can just go and just hear nothing. | ||
| That's what I love the most about living on that mountain. | ||
| I mean, you went to that place that I lived at. | ||
| When you are out that window, when we're on the porch and you listen, you don't hear a fucking thing. | ||
| It's you hear the silence. | ||
| It's like a very specific sound of its own. | ||
| I heard in the redwoods, because the canopy is so high above the ground, there's no real birds and there's no real insects there. | ||
| I don't know how it follows up. | ||
| There's nothing going on. | ||
| So it really is just silence. | ||
| Occasionally you hear a squirrel. | ||
| You see one. | ||
| But generally it's just like nothing's happening. | ||
| I gotta go back to that. | ||
| That would suck. | ||
| No man, it's supposed to be super cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I went when I was a kid and we drove our car through a redwood tree. | |
| I want to do that one. | ||
| This is how douchey people are. | ||
| This fucking tree's been around for like a million years. | ||
| This gigantic fucking tree that's as big as this room. | ||
| So what do they do? | ||
| They carve a big hole in the center of it so people can drive their cars through the fucking tree. | ||
| This is like a novelty goof. | ||
| Like, they carved out the tree like a goddamn tile. | ||
| Well, that's where the road was, right? | ||
| Was that or knocked the tree down? | ||
| Oh, they made it! | ||
| That's where the road was. | ||
| They didn't have to do that. | ||
| I mean, it seems like more humane to kill the tree than to use it. | ||
| It's a fucking tree. | ||
| I know. | ||
| What if trees can feel? | ||
| They just can't communicate. | ||
| That's a very valid argument. | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| I don't know if this has been scientifically validated, but there's been all sorts of studies that prove that trees feel something. | ||
| There's an electrical impulse when you snip them. | ||
| I will tell you this. | ||
| There was an episode of Mama's Family in which the goofball son hears a study that says cauliflower can feel pain. | ||
| Broccoli does not have that same problem. | ||
| Maybe that was where all the work was gone. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| But who the fuck knows, man? | ||
| Who knows if it doesn't hurt their feelings when you eat them? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| It's not a good enough reason to do or not to do anything. | ||
| You could argue that video game characters could probably feel... | ||
| Maybe they're playing us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They might. | |
| When you kill them. | ||
| When you play Quake, maybe you're fucking somebody up in another dimension. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That video game, how do you know that has feelings as much as a fucking cabbage? | ||
| It starts getting ridiculous. | ||
| If you have lips, then who cares? | ||
| You have to have lips. | ||
| Some people say they won't eat anything that has a face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| People will eat things like clams, some shellfish, but they won't eat anything with a face. | ||
| What is that thing, speaking of faces? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's creeping me out. | |
| It's an ass, cheap, but it's got someone's mouth there. | ||
| Not mine, though. | ||
| It's some girl's. | ||
| Brian just comes up with a weird ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's weird. | |
| Have you seen those little weird ass banners? | ||
| We're talking about the thing that's on my website. | ||
| It's on JoeRogan.net. | ||
| Any of those weird banners. | ||
| It's all Brian's. | ||
| You know, I like to throw in a lot of subliminal porn into it because it works. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you're like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| And it makes you look at the poster. | ||
| You can see some pussy lips down there by the end. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It makes you look at the poster, where a lot of times if it's just you with a microphone, it's like, okay, yeah, whatever. | ||
| Right, you're right. | ||
| No, I love them, man. | ||
| But I think if you just brighten the contrast in there, people would be even more excited. | ||
| Where that N is? | ||
| I feel like I can see something. | ||
| Isn't it funny that that's exciting to almost see some tits or some pussy? | ||
| But you can see just wrong ass dicky ass on the internet. | ||
| Video. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why I can't live in a mountain, man. | ||
| Because if there's like end of the world shit happens, I need to be around pussy. | ||
| Just in case if I have to need it. | ||
| I got disgusted by porn last night. | ||
| It's not even an end of the world thing. | ||
| You got disgusted by porn. | ||
| It was like overload. | ||
| It was just too much. | ||
| Too many days in a row to where I was like, oh, why are they doing this? | ||
| Sometimes I overload on the road. | ||
| On the road, sometimes I just... | ||
| Too much porn. | ||
| I see it as like mating animals. | ||
| Either that or this way where I just feel empathy for the women. | ||
| How about when you beat off and like only a dribble comes out because that's all you got left. | ||
| Wow, like a three day or four times a day. | ||
| Because you beat off like three times in a day. | ||
| And you think you're doing it because you're trying to get some sleep. | ||
| Like in the morning, sometimes I wake up and I get up too early. | ||
| I'm like, I can sleep in. | ||
| I need my sleep. | ||
| Let me just jerk off real quick. | ||
| So I'll jerk off and then I'm like getting ready to go to the gym. | ||
| I'm like, I'm a little horny before I go to the gym. | ||
| Maybe I should just jerk off. | ||
| And then I'll jerk off, and then I'll go and do the show, and then I'll go do the show, do stand-up. | ||
| Do you do it before you go to the jiu-jitsu? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| I don't want to make your balls. | ||
| I would be jerking that three times before you do it. | ||
| I always watch before jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Very conscientious. | ||
| Listen, everybody jerks off and then goes to jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Everybody that goes to jiu-jitsu jerks off and then goes there. | ||
| It's just a matter of how long ago was that jerking off. | ||
| Was it a month ago? | ||
| Was it a year ago? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And if they like to wipe it, or they go with it still. | |
| That's true, but you never know, man. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| You can't trust people. | ||
| Trust no one. | ||
| But then I'll go get home from the gig, I'll do a gig, I'll be wired, and then I'll kind of get some sleep. | ||
| So I'll beat off and then I'll get some sleep. | ||
| What about the times, like, out of nowhere, just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| I was talking to Ari about this. | ||
| He's a sprayer. | ||
| When he jerks off, it just blows up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That happens to me once in a while and it surprises the fuck out of me. | |
| TMI! Why does it do that? | ||
| Do you hold down the tip like a garden hose and try to spray it? | ||
| It's probably something like that. | ||
| That's probably the way I do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Maybe he's just got a lot of fucking oomph behind his loath. | ||
| Just because your loads come a sputter. | ||
| No, but you know what? | ||
| It's when I get a handjob or something, so it's not me. | ||
| Oh, so it's a girl doing it. | ||
| Or me, if I'm doing it for whatever. | ||
| It's like, let me just fucking beat off. | ||
| Or if she does it, it just fucking flies. | ||
| Let's be honest about something. | ||
| What is better? | ||
| What is better? | ||
| Getting a great load, a great load, shooting a great load, or taking a great shit? | ||
| I would go with a great load. | ||
| A great load, but not by much, man. | ||
| Not by much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes you shoot a great load. | |
| Here's what you need to add to the question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need to add to the question. | |
| Here's the question. | ||
| You need to even it up. | ||
| Because how many times have you shot a load and then you realize, oh my god, now I have to talk to this crazy bitch that I just shot a load with. | ||
| Oh, you've been doing sex. | ||
| You're trying to get the fuck out of there, and you're tired, and you realize you've got to drive an hour to get home. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| She wants you to stay over, and you're like, I can't, I have to feed the dogs. | ||
| Like, any kind of craziness that goes on, you're like, oh my god, what am I doing with my life? | ||
| Whereas when you take a shit, there's none of that. | ||
| I think here's the deal. | ||
| Unless there's a load in your shit. | ||
| I think you've just had sex a lot more than Brian and I. So you're just a little more, like, interested in it than we are. | ||
| We're like, yeah, whatever. | ||
| But we're like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sex? | |
| It's been months a year. | ||
| Every now and then, I enjoy good shit. | ||
| I really appreciate the morning ones. | ||
| Sometimes you wake up, and you're like, oh, Jesus, let me get to the toilet. | ||
| You get to the toilet, and it's like, because I eat a lot of salad, you know, my shit goes quick. | ||
| So it's like, ugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | |
| Blah. | ||
| See, my shit's always involved investigating and identifying. | ||
| What? | ||
| You go and look at your poop? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's because Brian, you have to tell Brian that Brian has blood and his poop. | |
| What? | ||
| No. | ||
| I get that once in a while. | ||
| That's all right. | ||
| Somebody doesn't want to talk about things. | ||
| I made that up. | ||
| I made that up. | ||
| No. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Once I had a hemorrhoid and I had to get a... | ||
| I already talked about that. | ||
| Internal hemorrhoid. | ||
| Yeah, internal hemorrhoid. | ||
| Yeah, you did talk about that. | ||
| I already talked about that. | ||
| So that's why I have to investigate. | ||
| I get polluted poops sometimes, I just like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| It's just interesting to me. | ||
| I find out when I go to wife, I'm like, oh, was that a wetter? | ||
| I was like, oh, no, it's super wet. | ||
| Did I ever tell you a story about... | ||
| I just like it. | ||
| It doesn't hurt, though. | ||
| Did I ever tell you a story about when I first started wearing a cup in jiu-jitsu? | ||
| I didn't used to wear a cup, and I had to start wearing a cup because I was rolling with Einstein. | ||
| And he was trying to pass my guard and he slammed his knee right into my dick. | ||
| Like, not even really my... | ||
| The shin hit my balls, but the knee hit the dick. | ||
| But that pass, I'm surprised I didn't have it a lot more. | ||
| Brian, why are you covering your head? | ||
| Because I hate this story. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| But people have to hear it. | ||
| He slammed it in my dick. | ||
| It hurt so much. | ||
| It was so fucking painful. | ||
| I wait until I feel better. | ||
| I take a couple of minutes to catch my breath and then we start rolling again. | ||
| I didn't think anything of it until I get changed. | ||
| I go in the locker room and I go to take my gi pants off. | ||
| And I go to take my underwear or my jockstrap off and it's filled with blood. | ||
| Filled with blood. | ||
| Blood is leaking out of the tip of my dick. | ||
| And I'm like, oh my god, I broke my dick. | ||
| So then I go into the bathroom and pee. | ||
| So I go to pee and blood is just coming right out of the tip of my dick. | ||
| Blood and urine. | ||
| So then I started thinking about it. | ||
| I go, okay, I got a problem. | ||
| I got to do something now. | ||
| I got a problem. | ||
| I might have to get my dick fixed. | ||
| I'm like, holy shit. | ||
| And then I thought about it. | ||
| I'm like, okay, but wait a minute. | ||
| If this was my nose, if blood was coming out of my nose, would I do anything about it? | ||
| No, I wouldn't do shit about it. | ||
| I would just let it heal. | ||
| Okay, let's just let your dick heal and see how it goes. | ||
| So I get home that night and I say, well, I don't know, man. | ||
| Maybe I should go to the fucking doctor. | ||
| Okay, if my dick can get hard, I'm not gonna go to the doctor. | ||
| So I jerked off. | ||
| I jerked off and I shot a bloody load. | ||
| Is it pink? | ||
| No, it's like a chicken egg that has the embryo in it. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| You get a chicken egg and the embryo's in it, it's like a little bloody stream of blood. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| That's in the Philippines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now, Balut is like an actual embryo, like a big-ass one. | ||
| Much more close to... | ||
| Kosher, if you get one drop of blood, which you get all the time, in an egg, throw it out. | ||
| You can't use it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys are gay. | |
| No, it makes sense. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck happened. | ||
| That thing's bleeding in there, and that blood is just sitting... | ||
| Well, then it means it's human life. | ||
| It has to be killed differently. | ||
| A human life? | ||
| A chicken life, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, not only that, it's probably smart for, like, health reasons. | ||
| That blood is just sitting in that egg. | ||
| I think an egg can keep probably better than blood can. | ||
| I mean, that's just speculation. | ||
| But anyway, bottom line is I jerked off to see if my dick was okay. | ||
| And I... No, it didn't feel that good. | ||
| It wasn't like the best jerk-off session I've ever had. | ||
| But then the next day, I peed blood a couple more times. | ||
| I peed blood just a little bit less every time for like three days. | ||
| And then I stopped. | ||
| There was no more blood. | ||
| And I said, I think it's okay. | ||
| I think it would have only taken one day and I would have freaked out. | ||
| Well, it didn't hurt. | ||
| Did you Google it at all? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| What I was worried about was that it was going to break. | ||
| I was like, my dick is not going to work anymore. | ||
| I'm infinite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have to cut it off! | |
| Imagine if you got gangrene, if it rotted and you had to hack your dick off. | ||
| They have to rebuild one. | ||
| They have to take a chunk of meat out of your forearm. | ||
| I saw that online. | ||
| A dude had his dick rebuilt. | ||
| Or maybe it was like a woman who had a dick rebuilt to become a man. | ||
| A fake dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so crazy. | |
| Wouldn't you be concerned at all at the time? | ||
| And I'm not joking. | ||
| That the doctor would be like, if you hadn't gotten hard so fast, we'd be okay. | ||
| But the fact that it broke that seal or something, you weren't worried about that. | ||
| I was thinking that maybe my loads would purify whatever injury I had in there. | ||
| My soldiers would go to work on it, patch it up. | ||
| I thought urine would do that. | ||
| I think, you know, urine is supposed to heal things. | ||
| So if you pee and you have a little wound inside your dick, it's probably good to piss out blood. | ||
| It probably cleans it out. | ||
| Yeah, urine's sterile. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| I bet it probably does. | ||
| But that was a close call. | ||
| So from then on, I wear a cup. | ||
| So, no blood in my shit, but some bloody loads. | ||
| Some bloody peepee. | ||
| I'm so glad I don't do shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| You're so glad what? | ||
| I don't do shit that involves having to wear a cup so people won't hit my nuts so I don't pee blood. | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I never wore one. | |
| I never wore one. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu, you should wear one, dude. | ||
| I'll get an extra one, I'll give it to you. | ||
| I'll never ever wear it, I swear. | ||
| That sounds fishy. | ||
| Why does it smell like Bengay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| I've tried it on, dude. | ||
| Why is it smear it with fucking Dave's Insanity Sauce and it won't even kick in until you start sweating? | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Your dick would be on fire. | ||
| I pissed once after I had a burrito with Dave's Insanity Sauce and I just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I must have got some residue on my finger and I touched the head of my dick and it was like... | ||
| it was melting. | ||
| Like a Mexican blowjob. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like that problem. | ||
| Did I tell you about the sunflower seed peppers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sunflower seed peppers? | |
| When I was in Israel, they had these huge sunflower seeds that looked that big. | ||
| And so people would always take them from me when I was sitting at my desk. | ||
| So I wanted to punish the people who didn't ask. | ||
| So I spent all day and I crushed up habanero peppers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| Took the seeds out and put one seed inside each sunflower seed. | ||
| And then if people, I would leave that in front. | ||
| So if people ask, I'm like, no, no, here's the normal ones. | ||
| But if they wouldn't, they'd just fucking get it. | ||
| Most people can't stand the heat. | ||
| But did not wash off my hands, peed, and just had to shower with my pants around my ankles. | ||
| It's like this. | ||
| And you're like, what's happening? | ||
| You put soap on it. | ||
| How about dudes who get their dick tattooed? | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The sensitive area hasn't built up any tolerance to anything. | |
| Maybe it feels really good. | ||
| Maybe it feels awesome. | ||
| Getting your dick tattooed? | ||
| Yeah, maybe it's just like hard sex. | ||
| But probably not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hard tattoos hurt. | |
| Brian wants to get fucked. | ||
| That's what he's trying to say. | ||
| I wonder if anybody's tattooed a dick and had him cum on them. | ||
| Who cares if that happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They definitely have gotten hard before their tattoos. | |
| That's definitely happened. | ||
| Not even on purpose. | ||
| It could just be incidental. | ||
| Especially like really crazy, freaky, gay bondage type dudes. | ||
| Has Bravo been on that tattoo show yet? | ||
| I don't know if it's aired. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think they filmed the whole season in advance. | ||
| He just did it a couple months ago. | ||
| That's a good ass tattoo. | ||
| She's a really good artist. | ||
| Eddie Bravo got his grandmother tattooed on his chest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's incredible. | |
| By Kat Von D. Incredible artwork, man. | ||
| I fucking love those tattoos. | ||
| I don't have any of them, but I love those portraits. | ||
| I think it'd be creepy. | ||
| It is creepy. | ||
| Unless it means something for Eddie, his grandmother was the person who really cared about him when he was a kid. | ||
| Some dude that went to high school with you. | ||
| That would be nuts! | ||
| Imagine if you went to high school with a kid and then all of a sudden you run into him and he's got you tattooed on his arm. | ||
| He'd be like, listen man, it's ironic. | ||
| We just picked you out of the yearbook at random. | ||
| Don't be weird about it. | ||
| You ever see that crazy bitch that's got, I'm gonna kill you, Ray Romano, tattooed on her back? | ||
| No. | ||
| Does she hate Ray Romano? | ||
| No, she just did it because, you know, Everybody Loves Raymond was out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Did you get that tattooed? | ||
| Tattooed as a tramp stamp. | ||
| It says, I'm gonna kill you, Ray Romano. | ||
| And so she's taking pictures out? | ||
| Oh yeah, it's on the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How crazy is that bitch? | ||
| I mean, if that bitch ever has kids, the kids can never take her seriously. | ||
| Like, Mom, listen to me, you dumbass. | ||
| You've got, I'm gonna kill you Ray Romano on your fucking back. | ||
| Who's Ray Romano? | ||
| Like, that was a popular sitcom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bad decisions, you dumb bitch. | |
| That might have been your best impression, Brian. | ||
| Hey, it's Kermit the Frog! | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| That guy, I started working with him way, way back in the early 90s. | ||
| We did Jimmy's Comedy Alley in, I think it was in Queens, somewhere in New York. | ||
| I think it was in Queens. | ||
| He was the headliner, I was the middle. | ||
| I got to see him when he was at his peak. | ||
| He was a really, really good stand-up man. | ||
| When he came back to it, he was good still. | ||
| He was always good. | ||
| He's just got great delivery. | ||
| He's a super nice guy. | ||
| Is he super clean back now? | ||
| Yeah, he's always been kind of clean. | ||
| I mean, not completely clean. | ||
| He did a bit on Kevin and Bean's show last year. | ||
| The April Foolishness. | ||
| Hilarious bit about if guys could blow ourselves, we would have to wear a dog collar. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| To get more into it? | ||
| No, so you couldn't keep your husband from blowing himself. | ||
| You would have to put out one of those dog collars on. | ||
| It was very funny, man. | ||
| It was a really good bit. | ||
| That I meant like Bond or something? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was very funny. | ||
| And he had a bunch of good stuff, you know. | ||
| Just, I mean, even stuff like about his son pooping, you know, you'd think it's like his innocent job, but it's really well-worded and great timing and a really good economy of words. | ||
| He's a really good craftsman, you know, with his material. | ||
| That's why his show was so funny. | ||
| That guy, I met him... | ||
| You know, years and years ago. | ||
| Did you steal his job? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I didn't steal it. | ||
| Somebody else stole it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Luckily, somebody else stole it. | ||
| I stole it from that guy. | ||
| Oh, the guy in the pilot stole it? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| He got it, and then they fired. | ||
| They didn't want him for the actual show, and then they hired me. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| So I didn't feel bad. | ||
| There was already a guy before me. | ||
| I just took it from him. | ||
| But Ray was a friend, you know, so it was weird to run into him, you know. | ||
| But then all of a sudden he got his show, which was like a hundred times more successful than his radio. | ||
| And it was perfect because he controlled the whole thing. | ||
| And when we were hanging out when we first got the show, it was me and him and Kevin, Kevin James, we were all eating dinner at Jerry's Deli. | ||
| And Ray was like obsessed with it. | ||
| Maybe if I have the guy come in like this and just kept going. | ||
| He was like obsessed. | ||
| That's his own show? | ||
| Yeah, just putting it together perfectly. | ||
| He was really trying to construct it in his head. | ||
| He was obsessed with it. | ||
| It wasn't any good luck at all with him. | ||
| I heard with him that he had taped this HBO special back when it really meant something. | ||
| And they were holding it for like a year, year and a half. | ||
| Where they're like, no, we're not ready to release yet because we want to do this. | ||
| And he's like, I'm broke. | ||
| I need some money. | ||
| Please, people will see it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, that's always a concern. | ||
| For those stories, I have no idea. | ||
| That's always a concern. | ||
| When you have a special and you film it, you don't own it. | ||
| And this is back before the internet. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You could really get crazy and go, you know, I'm gonna fucking release this on the internet. | ||
| You guys can suck my dick if you're really crazy. | ||
| You know, if they caught you though, you'd be fucked. | ||
| They caught you and they could prove that you took away the profits for your own thing. | ||
| Like, they pulled my shit from YouTube. | ||
| My own shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've had that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| When your own bits get pulled off your own YouTube page. | ||
| Brian gave me advice. | ||
| He has a copyright infringement. | ||
| He heard the HBO study. | ||
| He said, don't say HBO. They'll do searches for that. | ||
| Ah, that's very smart. | ||
| Of Briar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Yeah, do you put that up online, your HBO set? | ||
| Some of it. | ||
| Are they going to do more of those, the Down and Dirties? | ||
| No. | ||
| No more? | ||
| No. | ||
| They didn't like it? | ||
| I didn't think they got ratings or something. | ||
| They didn't promote it very well either. | ||
| Yeah, not really. | ||
| HBO does not really handle comedy that well. | ||
| It's just what they decided to promote. | ||
| Yeah, what they decided to promote. | ||
| But too often, like, It seems like they're just trying to put things that are, like, different. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| That new one is all sober comedy. | ||
| That's a new series with Boss and Norton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| They're all sober people. | ||
| The good thing about that is a lot of the guys that are sober are sober for a reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| So they've got some great stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, no, it ain't church sobriety. | ||
| This is like, I fucked up my life sobriety. | ||
| There's a lot of dudes like that. | ||
| There was a lot of dudes that were doing the clean, clean Christians of comedy. | ||
| Christian tour, yeah. | ||
| Making bank loads. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And they would do like arenas. | ||
| They would do arenas. | ||
| Like big church arenas in the south. | ||
| Like giant fucking places. | ||
| And just terrible, terrible hat-kneed coffee. | ||
| And he came in and he said, ma'am, that's not my hat. | ||
| Seriously though. | ||
| It's all for him. | ||
| It's all for Chris. | ||
| This is a big push for that with a lot of people. | ||
| They want the lowest standard possible. | ||
| You're going to broadcast the lowest possible standard. | ||
| And there's so many people that want to hear that, whether it's in country music or it's Sarah Palin talking. | ||
| They want no difference between you and them. | ||
| You're just as smart as them. | ||
| You don't talk down. | ||
| You talk them up and make them out to be much more than they really are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And if you're religious, it's for the grace of God or whatever, they get into it. | |
| It's so crazy. | ||
| It's so spooky that our culture has made things so easy for idiots to survive. | ||
| There's so many people that do so many different things that are so useless, and they're going to be replaced by robots. | ||
| He said, on The Simpsons, Ned Flairness went to watch a comedy concert, and he goes, that was the worst Christian rock concert I've ever seen! | ||
| And he goes, so many F words! | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| The worst Christian rock show ever. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I just think... | ||
| It's so easy to be a retard these days because there's so many other people that you join with. | ||
| Did you ever see the video? | ||
| I think the guy was a comic who interviewed these people waiting to see Sarah Palin at a book signing. | ||
| Fucking giant line of people and it's like three degrees outside. | ||
| They're freezing their ass off and they're waiting for hours to come in and meet Sarah Palin. | ||
| And so this dude goes and interviews them and asks them questions. | ||
| What do you like about Ms. Palin's policies? | ||
| It's all the same nonsense. | ||
| Nobody has a clue. | ||
| But in all fairness, I've seen the same thing with Obama. | ||
| You know, when they interview people that are into Obama, they just know he's black and he's talking really good. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| Who did the thing? | ||
| I think it was Baba Booey or Stuttering John or something. | ||
| It might have been Stern or it might have been Leno. | ||
| It might have been someone else completely. | ||
| But they went downtown and asked about, what do you think about Obama? | ||
| What do you think of his running mate, Sarah Palin? | ||
| People are like, I think she's great. | ||
| I think she's great. | ||
| Are you a Democrat or Republican? | ||
| They're like, Republican. | ||
| And they're like, what about, you know... | ||
| You know, it's been like that forever. | ||
| I watched that Gonzo, that Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, back in the 1970s when he was writing Feeder and Loathing on the campaign trail. | ||
| It was the same thing. | ||
| They were asking all these different people, like, who are you voting for? | ||
| No one had a fucking clue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, why? | |
| Exactly. | ||
| No, not that guy. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| No, not that guy. | ||
| Who the fuck are you voting for? | ||
| And that guy's vote counts. | ||
| Just as much as a scholar. | ||
| Yeah, they're like, Obama, so you know he wants to go to war with Iraq more. | ||
| How do you feel about that? | ||
| Well, I'm for it. | ||
| Do you think that Obama has any say? | ||
| Or do you think it's all horseshit? | ||
| What do you think literally happens when you win? | ||
| Do you think that you've been briefed before you ever win? | ||
| I said, this is what's going to happen. | ||
| You're going to be given an agenda. | ||
| You're going to be asked to follow certain protocol. | ||
| You will consult with these people before any decision, before any press conference, it will be reviewed. | ||
| I think there's some of that, but I think they're also just met with With checks and balances, it's way harder to get things done than you think. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You have to make allegiances, and you have to give certain things in order to get all... | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| There's definitely a lot of that. | ||
| And if you want to just get something done, it's not that easy. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| But what's with him saying that he wants... | ||
| Was it all bullshit? | ||
| That he didn't want to have troops over there? | ||
| And then all of a sudden he pulls them out of Iraq and sends them off to Afghanistan. | ||
| What does that all do? | ||
| Because I think he realized, like, oh, I can't just pull them out. | ||
| That creates a vacuum of power that will be, you know, terrible. | ||
| And what I wanted to do, now I know more and I can't do it. | ||
| Is that what it does? | ||
| You know, I think what they've got to do at some point in time, they've got to have some... | ||
| If they really want to get people to like the United States and other countries, there has to be some massive goodwill operation. | ||
| Where we go to these impoverished countries, these places that have been wrecked by war, by devastation, by all these different things that are going on, and we have to help the fuck out of them. | ||
| Because if we don't do that, then other people are going to look at us and go, why would we look up to the United States? | ||
| Just because it used to be? | ||
| Just because it's the biggest superpower? | ||
| Because they have the most missiles? | ||
| Why would we give a fuck about them? | ||
| And if the people at the very top aren't the most generous, then the whole system below you seems unfair and people get fucking pissed off. | ||
| There's something in the Old Testament where it's the light unto the nations. | ||
| Lead by example of what you want them to do. | ||
| Sure, if you're in that position, if you're in the position to be generous, if you're in the position to help, We're just ganking shit. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| We want the oil. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Give us that natural gas. | ||
| Suck it. | ||
| Where's those poppy seeds? | ||
| Where's the heroin grown? | ||
| Right here? | ||
| Shut the fuck up and sit down. | ||
| We're bringing in guns and tanks and fucking jets and we're going to have spaceships that fly around you by remote control and shoot missiles into canyons and shit. | ||
| Dude, you ever watch those videos online? | ||
| They have videos of them launching missiles from, like, helicopters and shit with these people that are walking with donkeys. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking nuts, man. | ||
| Should be walking there. | ||
| They're walking. | ||
| You see them, like, walking up the hill. | ||
| Like, we've got the target. | ||
| Shall we engage? | ||
| And you see it, like, in this, like, infrared. | ||
| Do they have arms in the donkey's cage or something? | ||
| Who the fuck knows what they're doing? | ||
| I mean, you know, it could have been somebody who just said the wrong thing to some fucking general. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I don't know what they did. | ||
| I mean, I'm just watching a video. | ||
| It could be that they're some high-level operatives and they're moving through their secret cave hideouts. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| John Heffron's watching. | ||
| Powerful John Heffron. | ||
| Also, the comedy club at Skyline Comedy in Wisconsin. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| Skyline Comedy Club is watching and they come to Appleton, Wisconsin. | ||
| Where's John Heffron playing next? | ||
| Where is John Heffron playing next? | ||
| I've only been to Wisconsin once and went to some crazy summer festival that they have. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was awesome. | ||
| It was an outside and a tent. | ||
| Thousands of people. | ||
| Was it awesome outside? | ||
| Yeah, it was a really great crowd. | ||
| But it was like a lot of people with babies and shit. | ||
| And I'm saying, oh, it was nasty shit. | ||
| I'm like, I'm sorry, folks. | ||
| Babies don't bother me nearly as much as a ten-year-old. | ||
| Yeah, there was kids too, man. | ||
| There was everybody. | ||
| And I did all my shit because there was a lot of young people in the front. | ||
| There was a majority. | ||
| It was like hundreds and hundreds of young people. | ||
| And then behind them, there was like a mixed bag. | ||
| But the people that were sitting were all like, you know, your average comedy club audience. | ||
| There was just a bunch of people outside. | ||
| And the people were standing up and walking around. | ||
| And it's in a big, giant tent. | ||
| It was so strange. | ||
| But I only did it once because I was too dirty. | ||
| They would not have me back. | ||
| John Hefron's in Atlanta. | ||
| Where's he at? | ||
| Punchline? | ||
| Punchline. | ||
| Powerful John Hefron. | ||
| Very, very funny guy. | ||
| Funnier every time I see him. | ||
| Go see him. | ||
| John Hefron's great. | ||
| He should come to Arizona. | ||
| Well, I think John Hefron will tell you that he would love to come to Arizona if the improv comes with the shekels. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You gotta come with the shekels for my man, John Hefron. | ||
| So what do you think about Lil Wayne? | ||
| Lil Wayne went to jail. | ||
| It's about time. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Just another one. | ||
| Ari, Lil Wayne, he is crazy tattooed up. | ||
| Have you seen how much he's tattooed up? | ||
| Yeah, his whole body's done. | ||
| Yeah, we gotta put that online for people who haven't seen it, because it's fucking bizarre. | ||
| Like, it's so crazy. | ||
| Like, it's hard to believe that this dude has this many tattoos. | ||
| I mean, like, his whole body's fucking tattooed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh... | |
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| We're looking for Lil Wayne tattoos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got so much shit to do. | |
| What do you have to do? | ||
| I have to go to Macy's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Sounds hard. | ||
| What are you going to do there? | ||
| Right away, I would never trade lives with you. | ||
| Right off the bat. | ||
| That just sounds so horrible that there's no way I wish that upon my worst enemy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Gotta go to Macy's. | ||
| Gotta go to Macy's. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard to find a new one. | ||
| Oh, here's a good one. | ||
| Here's a good new one. | ||
| God damn, this dude's got a lot of tattoos. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Cash money? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| This is incredible. | ||
| He's in a position where it really just doesn't matter. | ||
| He's not going to get a job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, well, he doesn't have to get a job ever. | |
| Man, that's nuts. | ||
| I'll put this up on tour It's crazy man The dude just went off and tattooed his whole body. | ||
| That's like a big trailer right now. | ||
| Did he do it all at once? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Soldier Boy seems to have. | ||
| That Soldier Boy dude did the same thing. | ||
| Tattooed his face, tattooed his hands, tattooed his chest, his whole arms. | ||
| I mean, he just went nutty. | ||
| If you're Googling Soulja Boy, you can't find it. | ||
| You're spelling it wrong. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a brother, Soulja, S-O-U-L-J-A. Holla! | ||
| And also Google Soulja Boy Ice Cream Kitty. | ||
| Ice Cream Kitty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Powerful, Shafir. | ||
| Shafir, you gotta unblock me from your Twitter. | ||
| Don't be rude. | ||
| I can't even follow you. | ||
| You, uh... | ||
| I'm not rude. | ||
| You guys both fucking bug me too much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We don't want to bug you. | |
| You know we can still read it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You know we can still read it. | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| You don't have to go make a search for it. | ||
| I promise I won't bug you anymore. | ||
| No, it still lets you just go to your... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We can go to the website. | |
| That's not true. | ||
| No, it does. | ||
| Oh, you go to the website, yeah. | ||
| It doesn't come up in your stream. | ||
| No, not on this. | ||
| Not on TweetDeck. | ||
| But we can always go to your page to see what you're up to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Put us back in. | ||
| But you can't fuck with me when I complain about wanting to commit suicide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I won't. | |
| I won't. | ||
| I won't fuck with you about anything anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| You don't really want to commit suicide. | ||
| You just want to be happier. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Wouldn't you rather if you had the two options? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, that's like saying you don't really want to throw a touchdown pass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just want to win. | |
| However I get there is fine. | ||
| It's not like that. | ||
| I don't know if it's like that. | ||
| It's not like that at all. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Life's a gamble. | ||
| That's what Lil Wayne has to say about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His whole body's like a fortune cookie. | |
| He's got little fortune cookie sayings all over his body. | ||
| Wow, that's so weird. | ||
| That's like really fucking really bad tattoos, man. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| That's a real trend that guys are getting these really bad tattoos. | ||
| It's like prison tattoos. | ||
| But the crazy thing is he calls himself a gangster and all this crazy shit. | ||
| But he goes to jail and the first thing he did was go into protective custody. | ||
| Oh, because they're afraid of How do you do that? | ||
| Do you just apply? | ||
| That's a good question, man. | ||
| I think you just say, you know... | ||
| Does it have that in the plea ahead of time? | ||
| Like, you can't put him in general application? | ||
| You've got to say, my client is, you know, a very wealthy man who, you know, a lot of people could get a name off beating him up and he's not a very big man and he's concerned for his safety. | ||
| One of my favorite things is when idiots like us try to walk through the law and what we would say to a judge in order to get things done. | ||
| We're only going off old on-board episodes that we're sort of guessing. | ||
| Yeah, old episodes of The Fall Guide. | ||
| I think what you would have to do is tell a judge, Your Honor. | ||
| Do you remember when TV shows had you convinced that you could tell, like, if a cop was, like, an undercover cop, you'd say, Are you a cop? | ||
| And they'd have to tell you the truth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, I'm a cop. | ||
| Shit, you got me. | ||
| You got off this time, lefty. | ||
| But next time, you're not. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Yeah, they would never answer that right. | ||
| You guys are never gonna trick me. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| They would never do that. | ||
| They don't have to tell you they're cops. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| If you're doing something illegal, a cop can let you do that illegal shit. | ||
| They can do illegal shit with you. | ||
| They can do fucking cocaine with you to arrest you for cocaine. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| That's legal. | ||
| They can get away with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How nutty is that? | ||
| Because if they go undercover, they're going to have to do drugs with you. | ||
| If you're doing drugs and you want to be a part of some motorcycle gang, and the motorcycle gang is doing drugs, you've got to do drugs with you. | ||
| There's no way you're not going to be able to. | ||
| But yeah, on TV, they'll be like, I don't know, and just dump it off a side with a one special episode where they had to do it. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| They throw it, they fake it. | ||
| Oh, amazing stuff. | ||
| Give you an antidote pill. | ||
| This will immediately nullify the cocaine. | ||
| So as soon as you take it, make your way into the bathroom. | ||
| They almost got a degree of drugs. | ||
| Great for job interviews. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I mean, You hear about that all the time with DEA agents. | ||
| The DEA agents get addicted to drugs because they have to do them with these fucking people to get in with them. | ||
| And then also I think they just see that fucking lifestyle and they become crazy. | ||
| They see how many people are getting away with it. | ||
| I think if you were in the position to really be investigating drugs in this country, you would see there's so much drugs coming in. | ||
| It's like An unstoppable force. | ||
| And he would start wondering, what are we putting our resources towards? | ||
| Why isn't this shit legal where they can tax it and make money off of it? | ||
| You know, why can't they just go after the illegal people? | ||
| It's just like prohibition. | ||
| When prohibition happened in the 30s, all that shit did, or in the 20s, it was like, what was it then? | ||
| Like 1933 or something like that? | ||
| All it did was just made people that were more dangerous sell it. | ||
| Made people that weren't afraid to break the law. | ||
| It just made organized crime stronger. | ||
| It kept it out of a lot of people's hands. | ||
| It must have. | ||
| Do you think so? | ||
| Yes, it must have. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think it made people angry about getting busted with it and selling it, but I think people want to get drunk. | ||
| Most people don't, I know, but aren't going to break the law or really risk it, you know? | ||
| There's a lot of people who are like, oh, I guess we can't have it anymore. | ||
| I mean, did you ever research it or are you just speculating? | ||
| I'm just speculating, completely. | ||
| But if they made cigarettes illegal, completely illegal, there's a lot of people who would stop smoking. | ||
| I wonder if it would be like Catholic schoolgirls and being whores. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because not all whores, though. | ||
| They're not all those. | ||
| There's a disproportionate amount. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Growing up around a lot of Catholic school girls, it was common knowledge amongst my friends that Catholic school girls... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| Because religious Jewish school? | ||
| No, they're not. | ||
| Well, I think Catholicism is so ridiculous that I think even like... | ||
| Look, when you're dealing with a religion where a gigantic percentage of the men who are in power are fucking little kids. | ||
| Another one got caught. | ||
| They said he was gay. | ||
| Another anti-gay rights. | ||
| Oh no, that was Roy Ashburn. | ||
| He was the guy behind Proposition 8. He got caught and he admitted he was gay. | ||
| But that guy's not a priest. | ||
| He's not fucking kids. | ||
| He's just gay. | ||
| You're like, they're all the same. | ||
| Faggots, fucking pedophiles. | ||
| You lumped this guy in with a pedophile priest. | ||
| But that religion is so ridiculous that there's a giant percentage of the men who are pushing this religion are also fucking horrible pedophiles that ruin people's lives. | ||
| If you know anybody that's Catholic, if you grew up in a Catholic community, you know a bunch of people that have been molested. | ||
| Everybody knows somebody. | ||
| I know two people that got hit on by priests. | ||
| I know my friend Tony, he had a fight off a priest, and my friend John had a fight off a priest. | ||
| They get attacked. | ||
| These priests fucking drool on them and breathe on them and pull their dicks out. | ||
| And my friend Bo. | ||
| Another dude. | ||
| I know three dudes. | ||
| I know three dudes that got attacked. | ||
| They're all Catholic. | ||
| I know a girl in a settlement. | ||
| Got money from a settlement. | ||
| Dude, there's so many settlements. | ||
| If you stop and look, do you know New Mexico has some crazy ass fucking law, or they used to at one point in time, where you could, if you had sex with a girl, like a man could not have sex with a girl like his normal age. | ||
| Like the age of consent was like 18. But if a man had sex with a boy, the age of consent was like 13. Really? | ||
| It's fucking crazy! | ||
| And the reason why, supposedly, this was enacted is that the Catholic Church put pressure on them to keep this in place so they could fucking ship all their crazy, sweet boy ass to New Mexico. | ||
| I don't know if this is true. | ||
| This is all speculation. | ||
| This is all on the internet. | ||
| But I do know that the fact... | ||
| No, that's speculation. | ||
| The fact is that the age of consent for male to boy was 13. That's fucking nuts, man. | ||
| Same-sex males is like 13. Whereas opposite sex, like boys and girls... | ||
| What's really crazy now is this sexting thing, man, where kids are going to jail for child pornography because they're taking pictures of their pussy. | ||
| They really came down at some point with a no tolerance, I don't care if you made it, you can't have it on your hard drive, no one can have it. | ||
| And with those laws, we can't make an exception for anyone. | ||
| They are attacking sluts for sending pictures of their pussy to guys. | ||
| They're attacking girls for being silly. | ||
| It's basically the same thing. | ||
| If you show me yours, I'll show you mine. | ||
| We all played that when we were kids. | ||
| But then the problem is, then it gets out to fucking pedophiles and makes them go crazy. | ||
| That's why they said they don't want anyone to have it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So we're talking about it again. | ||
| The point is, send us some sweet pictures of your 13-year-old Bush. | ||
| Brian, this is important shit. | ||
| It's a fascinating goddamn story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brian, shut the fuck up. | |
| Don't cut the bus for a juicy conversation. | ||
| It's fascinating shit, man. | ||
| The idea that you can put kids in jail because they take pictures of their pussy. | ||
| You know, the dude sends a picture of his dick to some girl in school and now he's locked in a cage. | ||
| You know, that's silly. | ||
| People throughout time, there's a charge in whipping your dick out. | ||
| If you cover someone's dick up, they're going to want to whip it out. | ||
| You know, we all live naked and free. | ||
| You know, you wouldn't have to worry about this shit. | ||
| But then people would start fucking way earlier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| If we all live naked and free, you wouldn't be able to trust anybody everywhere. | ||
| Someone would actually fuck by accident. | ||
| It would have to happen. | ||
| I wonder how much suppression, you know, we really have by walking around naked. | ||
| Like, how much different we'd be if we walked around naked, you know? | ||
| By walking around all clothed up, I wonder how much more different our behavior is. | ||
| I will tell you this. | ||
| This is a comparison. | ||
| Is that... | ||
| So any sort of nudity is like a novelty. | ||
| When I was Shomer Naguya, when I wouldn't touch women, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| When I would touch them, even on the arm or something, like, oh, it was like an electric sort of feel. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I got way more sexual. | ||
| So I think covering up and stopping yourself makes you more sexual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| So that if you're completely unclothed, you'd be way calmer. | ||
| Makes it more urgent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I first came to LA and I first acted in a sitcom, I didn't like being here. | ||
| I didn't like this. | ||
| The whole sitcom situation was really bad. | ||
| There's a lot of negative energy in the set. | ||
| A lot of fighting going on with the network and the producers and the writers. | ||
| And I broke up with my girlfriend and I moved out here. | ||
| And we were still talking on the phone, but I didn't know anybody here. | ||
| I was out here for a few weeks. | ||
| I didn't talk to anybody. | ||
| I didn't hang out with anybody. | ||
| And then this chick, we were laughing about something. | ||
| She gave me a hug on the set. | ||
| And she gave me a hug and it was the best feeling in the world. | ||
| It wasn't like a regular hug. | ||
| She hit me with this hug and I was like, it was like I needed it. | ||
| Like she gave me a glass of water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, ugh. | |
| You know, and it was just a hug, man. | ||
| She was just being nice, and she gave me a nice hug and rubbed my back, and I was like, wow, that felt so good. | ||
| I just felt, you need that shit. | ||
| Human contact. | ||
| Yeah, if you go like a few weeks or a month without touching anybody, that guy that we were talking about earlier that lives in the Arctic, he went, I think, eight months at one point by himself, just up there hunting, and he said it was way too much. | ||
| He said he went crazy. | ||
| That guy's just living wild, man. | ||
| You gotta see that it's on VBS TV. I think his name is Haimo. | ||
| Haimo's Arctic Refuge. | ||
| Just look up arcticvbs.tv. | ||
| It's fucking incredible, man. | ||
| Like, one of the most incredible documentaries ever. | ||
| You stop and think about it, like, this guy's chosen to live like that in this day and age. | ||
| Whereas we think if we had to live like that, it would be hell. | ||
| Like, Brian, how do you think you would feel if, like, all of a sudden civilization dropped off, there was no power, and you had to fucking light fires with wood and kill animals to stay alive, and it was fucking freezing cold out and you were in animal skins and shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'd be awful. | |
| It'd be awful. | ||
| That's why I couldn't live on top of a mountain. | ||
| I couldn't be like that, because if that shit did happen, I don't want to be on top of a mountain doing it all by myself. | ||
| I want to be, you know... | ||
| Around civilization. | ||
| But what if you're around civilization and there's no food, no one's growing anything, there's a lot of mooches and chaos. | ||
| That's when you want to be somewhere self-sustaining, right? | ||
| Yeah, but I think it's... | ||
| I mean, my family grew up on farms, so to me it's just like, wow, what? | ||
| Just plant some food. | ||
| By the time the food runs out, we'll have tomatoes, we'll have... | ||
| You have to have a serious work ethic to run a farm. | ||
| So you can't stock off for three weeks. | ||
| I didn't know anything about farms until I started working for the UFC. And then you start talking to guys who are farmers. | ||
| Guys who are real farmers. | ||
| Talk to Matt Hughes and all these guys. | ||
| When they do in-depth reports on these guys and their life. | ||
| Tommy Spears is another one. | ||
| They offered him a fight recently and he couldn't take the fight because he was in the middle of the harvest. | ||
| That's real shit. | ||
| These guys, they're out there. | ||
| They're fucking working, man. | ||
| They're working all day, every day, and it's brutal. | ||
| It's hard work. | ||
| And there's a mentality that a lot of these guys love the work. | ||
| There's something very satisfying, something that goes back to our days when we first discovered agriculture. | ||
| It's like a visceral human reaction. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You feel rewarded for having produced all this food. | |
| There's a fable that God, because he loves his children, gave us a plentiful cattle and crops without us having to work for it at all, and the man went crazy and started warring on itself. | ||
| So then he took that power away, and then you had to actually toil the soil, and then people were way calmer. | ||
| Brian, what are you doing? | ||
| Why are you unplugging? | ||
| I gotta take off. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta take off too. | ||
| Okay, don't just unplug. | ||
| Is the show still going on? | ||
| Oh no, we're not doing anything. | ||
| I'm not having bags. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing, son? | ||
| Calm down, Joe. | ||
| Um, I don't even know what we were just talking about. | ||
| I don't know either. | ||
| What were we just talking about, bro? | ||
| Farms and... | ||
| Yeah, I think that's why hunting... | ||
| This guy, Haimo, I think that's his name, that lived in the Arctic, that's why he was talking about how satisfying it is to be a hunter and gatherer. | ||
| You know, that he thinks that that's where civilization fell apart. | ||
| That man is most happy when he's out there providing for himself. | ||
| He says he loves it. | ||
| He loves living up there, just hunting and fishing and getting his food that way. | ||
| It makes him happy. | ||
| It's like, fuck it, go for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe there's something to it, though. | ||
| Maybe if you did it, too, it'd be, like, ultra-stimulating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's one of everybody's different situations. | ||
| He loves it, other people wouldn't. | ||
| But he's doing natural exercise every day. | ||
| Every day he's hiking, and he's shooting caribou, and he's dragging the caribou back, and he's cutting the meat, and he's hanging it up. | ||
| He's not lazy in front of his computer all day long. | ||
| He's got a laptop, but he's not online. | ||
| It's fucking incredible, man. | ||
| What a wild way to live your life. | ||
| Alright, ladies and gentlemen, that's it, right? | ||
| This is a long-ass one. | ||
| Two and a half hours, bitches. | ||
| That's how we roll. | ||
| We are going to be at the Tempe Improv this Thursday, Friday, Saturday. | ||
| Jump on it. | ||
| Saturday night is basically sold out. | ||
| There's only like 20 tickets left this morning. | ||
| The second show has 20 tickets left. | ||
| The first show sold out. | ||
| And so it's going to go quick. | ||
| Thank you very much, everybody. | ||
| We appreciate you tuning in every week. | ||
| You can get it on iTunes now. | ||
| If you go to iTunes, the Joe Rogan podcast is up, and you can download all the ones that we had before. | ||
| It's all thanks to that man. | ||
| Thanks to that man. | ||
| Thank you to Brian. | ||
| Brian put it all together. | ||
| He designed my new web class. | ||
| He's the motherfucker, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Powerful, super genius computer wizard. | ||
| And so that's it, folks. | ||
| Thanks for tuning in. | ||
| We'll see you next week. | ||
| Holla. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Later. |
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