Jan. 21, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:04:09
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Tell me I'm gonna do it. | ||
| Right before we do it, I'm gonna say here we go. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
hold on i need that Alright, go. | |
| Why aren't they getting this? | ||
| They're not hearing the sound. | ||
| Brian, they're not hearing the sound. | ||
| It just says you're on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| You're on. | ||
| But the video's not making sound. | ||
| The video's not making sound because the program's just freaking out. | ||
| John Heffron, get the fuck off the phone. | ||
| You're live in front of hundreds of people. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| John Heffron, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Winner of Last Conic Standing. | ||
| Not like those faggots he beat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| He's the goddamn champion. | ||
| Were you the first champion of Last Conic Standing? | ||
| I was second. | ||
| Who the fuck was the first? | ||
| Dat fan. | ||
| Dat Fan. | ||
| Good old Dat. | ||
| Does that in any way diminish your accomplishment? | ||
| What ever happened to that dude? | ||
| I don't know what happened to him. | ||
| I think he does well. | ||
| I think he does a lot of shows and they sell out and stuff like that. | ||
| Kissing Dat Fan's ass. | ||
| He's got a diplomatic approach. | ||
| Dat Fan's actually a nice guy. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing. | ||
| A lot of guys like to bag on the guy because when he won it, he was really, really green and new. | ||
| But I don't fall on anybody for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's always been nice to me. | ||
| He's been nice to me too. | ||
| I've never seen him once do stand-up. | ||
| And I saw him, I judged the first last comic standing and he fucking crushed. | ||
| He did the laugh act, that was when we caught Ant stealing material and that's when Buddy Hackett screamed at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| Almost had a heart attack. | ||
| That was a fucked up story. | ||
| Because this dude Ant was stealing jokes. | ||
| He was doing like book jokes, right? | ||
| Well, jokes out of movies, old George Carlin shit. | ||
| And I complimented him first and said, you're a really good performer. | ||
| You got a lot of energy, you know. | ||
| But I've heard that shit before. | ||
| And then Buddy Hackett's like, you fucking asshole! | ||
| Who the fuck are you, you fucking asshole! | ||
| My cat just got scared. | ||
| Spaz! | ||
| Come here, baby. | ||
| Come here. | ||
| She got scared. | ||
| When I used my Buddy Hackett voice, she got scared. | ||
| Come here, baby. | ||
| Spouse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come here. | |
| You want to be on TV? He's not doing any more Buddy Hackett voices. | ||
| Come here, honey. | ||
| Come here, Spouse. | ||
| Anyway, the story was with Buddy Hackett, when I started saying that this guy was stealing material, Buddy Hackett... | ||
| I got really upset. | ||
| Buddy Hackett's an old school comic from the Catskills days. | ||
| Those guys all stole material. | ||
| They all did each other's jokes. | ||
| There was no internet back then. | ||
| There wasn't even any fucking TV. You had some gags and you did them. | ||
| And nobody knew. | ||
| Yeah, and if you didn't do your gags first, the guy in front of you did them. | ||
| You know what's funny is that a lot of guys from that era, like everyone, Bob Newhart's famous for the phone bit. | ||
| Phone bit? | ||
| Yeah, Bob Newhart's famous for it. | ||
| He's like on the phone and he'll do the one-sided phone conversation. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| But there's a lot of guys from that era who did the same exact... | ||
| Phone bit, so... | ||
| Oh, well, um... | ||
| Well, anyway, while he was yelling at me, there was a part of me that wanted to go, shut the fuck up, you old cocksucker. | ||
| But I didn't. | ||
| I swapped. | ||
| He died two weeks later. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Which means he was real close to death that night. | ||
| Could have. | ||
| So if I yelled at him, he might have keeled over and fucking died right there. | ||
| And there was 10% of me that was like, why am I listening to this old douchebag? | ||
| Because my philosophy on old people has always been that old assholes were assholes when they were young. | ||
| They just survived. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You just became an asshole when you turned 80. That guy's a douchebag. | ||
| And I thought about yelling at him, but I said, you know what? | ||
| That's not going to help anybody. | ||
| And I'm like, what's the point? | ||
| This is all on television. | ||
| Everyone's going to see this guy's material. | ||
| They're going to see what's going on. | ||
| Everyone's going to know what happened. | ||
| So I did nothing. | ||
| So, here we are with John Heffron, neuro-linguistic programming freak. | ||
| John Heffron is recalibrating his mind. | ||
| He's had some very negative patterns that he was following earlier on in his life. | ||
| He's abandoned all those. | ||
| No more drinking. | ||
| No more bad stuff. | ||
| John Heffron is all about positive energy and Tony Robbins, right? | ||
| Well, kind of, yeah. | ||
| But Tony Robbins without the walking on fire and going to a seminar with 20,000 really motivated people. | ||
| Yeah, what is the walking on fire? | ||
| Well, it probably helps you. | ||
| It teaches you to walk on fire. | ||
| How you would then apply that skill to other things in your life, I have no idea. | ||
| Because even if you're having an argument with your girl, you can't go, well, I can walk on fire. | ||
| It won't apply to anything else but walking on fire. | ||
| Like guys fighting that bust boards. | ||
| It's great if a guy jumps in front of you with six boards. | ||
| Yeah, what's the fucking point of breaking boards? | ||
| I don't get that or the breaking the... | ||
| I guess it's your power in a punch, but that is if a guy is standing there... | ||
| Boards break pretty easy. | ||
| That's the sad thing. | ||
| Those boards are used for demonstrations. | ||
| They all break. | ||
| When I was a kid, whenever we used to open up a new school, we would all have to go and do demonstrations. | ||
| And part of the demonstration was you had to kick boards, break boards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so dumb. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
| It just always seemed so silly. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's awesome. | |
| What was I going to say? | ||
| We're talking about the neuro-linguistic stuff. | ||
| Buddy Hackett. | ||
| So you're doing all this programming, and this programming leads to better performances on stage? | ||
| Yeah, it's basically that it just kind of rewires your brains. | ||
| Everybody, if something happens to you, you probably react similarly. | ||
| In every single situation. | ||
| So this kind of just trains your brain to maybe take the best. | ||
| It gives you options to handle situations where if you have zero options, then you're just going to freak out. | ||
| And if you have a few, you usually take the best option for it. | ||
| But it also keeps you from doing shitty things, right? | ||
| It keeps you from ruining your life. | ||
| Yeah, for me what I did is you kind of work backwards. | ||
| You figure out what you want to accomplish and then you kind of get all those feelings and what it would feel like once you accomplish those and it kind of lets your brain know this is the way I want to go. | ||
| This is make every decision in the right way to obtain that goal. | ||
| For me, some people go, well that's all common sense stuff, but there's a big difference between common sense and common knowledge or actually applying it. | ||
| But you apply it now? | ||
| You're all about doing that, right? | ||
| Yeah, I do it before I get on stage. | ||
| I do some techniques to get me... | ||
| Because, you know, as stand-ups, you can get in... | ||
| People don't realize it's not... | ||
| Well, you travel with guys that you like, but a lot of times I'm working with dudes that bug me. | ||
| Yeah, that's a problem. | ||
| Or do your material. | ||
| Yeah, or whatever. | ||
| So you get in a bad mood for 8 billion different reasons before you get on stage, and then you enter that stage, and you're kind of in a pissy mood, which then that comes across to the crowd. | ||
| Or what I would do... | ||
| I would see a group of guys, let's say, and in my head I would go, oh, those guys are going to heckle. | ||
| And then I start playing this movie in my head. | ||
| Oh, they're going to heckle right at my favorite joke. | ||
| Oh, it's going to wreck that thing. | ||
| And I start to go, like, literally play it out as if it happened. | ||
| So then when I got on stage, I was already mad at these guys that didn't say anything. | ||
| So I'd take the stage with a little bit more testosterone, and then that puts a weird vibe on the crowd, even though those guys might have not said anything the entire show. | ||
| But now I do that with every part of my life, and I think a lot of people do. | ||
| You're like, oh, look at that girl over there. | ||
| I'd ask her out. | ||
| She's probably going to say no, though. | ||
| She's probably going to say no and make me feel stupid in front of all my other friends and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Is this dude saying there's a lag? | ||
| There is definitely a lag, because I'm watching us on the video, and it's totally different from what we're saying. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| John's still talking on the video, but right now I'm talking. | ||
| You're always going to have that, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Is that because you streamed gay as fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just, we're live streaming video, you know? | |
| Would it be better if we were on blog.tv? | ||
| You know, I mean, it doesn't really matter. | ||
| What about justin.tv? | ||
| Would that be better? | ||
| Yeah, but who cares if there's a lag? | ||
|
unidentified
|
People who know. | |
| People who are watching this care, man. | ||
| How do they know there's a lag? | ||
| There's a guy saying lag. | ||
| He's upset. | ||
| No, how did they know there's a lag? | ||
| Because he's watching the video and the sound is different. | ||
| No, no, the sound and video is the same. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| It's just 15, there's a 15 seconds delay. | ||
| Well, how the hell does he know there's a lag then? | ||
| He's probably on a slow, shitty internet. | ||
| You've got a shitty ass internet connection, faggot. | ||
| Why are you blaming us? | ||
| It's an AOL dial-up. | ||
| John Heffron, not only is he a stand-up comedian, he also hosted the MMA Awards this year, which was a total fucking disaster. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Complete. | ||
| You told me. | ||
| I didn't say it was a total. | ||
| The edited version came off awesome. | ||
| The way you told it to me. | ||
| Well, for me, for me it was. | ||
| Is the check cleared? | ||
| The check is cleared. | ||
| Let's talk. | ||
| Yeah, the check is cleared, but for me, it was where the... | ||
| People who got to see it on Versus got to see it live as if it was happening. | ||
| So there was a lot of, shoot this guy, this guy sucks. | ||
| To me, talking about me hosting. | ||
| To those sitting in the safety of their computer and being maybe 15 or 16 years old, you would probably think. | ||
| That it's not realizing that hosting something like that. | ||
| Oh, ladies and gentlemen, the sound, if you just have to press refresh, if you press refresh, your sound and video should sync up. | ||
| That's what's going to go on. | ||
| Some dude said that the MMA awards were lame. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| My thing to that, lame to what? | ||
| Is what I don't get. | ||
| People compare the MMA awards to what? | ||
| The Oscars? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's just not interesting to watch. | ||
| It was a clip show. | ||
| It was a highlighted clip show. | ||
| And people got to realize, I think... | ||
| For the first one in the budget they had, that's why, you know, guys like you or Kevin James, people are always like, why is it Rogan host? | ||
| Why isn't Kevin James? | ||
| Like, big guys that people know, it's because they had zero dollars. | ||
| Well, it's also, the hosting thing, I couldn't have hosted it because I'm the commentator for the UFC. For the UFC, yeah, and they wanted to make it non- Even though I'm a huge MMA fan and I'm as objective as possible when it comes to other organizations, like... | ||
| I'm always talking about Fedor and I'm always talking about Aoki and all these different guys who fight Alistair Overeem and different guys who fight in other organizations. | ||
| I'm a big believer in, you know, you have to look at all... | ||
| I mean, if you're a fan, you have to like all the different organizations. | ||
| You can't just be loyal. | ||
| Obviously, the UFC is the greatest job I've ever had and it's a fucking awesome gig and I appreciate the hell out of it and I love the job, but... | ||
| As a fan, you can't just only follow the fighters and the fights that are in that organization. | ||
| That's just silly. | ||
| I love my favorite thing. | ||
| I tweeted this. | ||
| I was watching you commentating one of the fights. | ||
| I love when you call out an entire group of 20,000 people for booing. | ||
| Because I get mad. | ||
| They were just drunk. | ||
| The bottom line is that I understand if they didn't like the decision. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| But once the dude is talking, when they're interviewing the dude, booing him, all he did was like Aaron Simpson versus Tom Laurel was the last one. | ||
| Like, you can't boo Aaron Simpson. | ||
| The guy fought his ass off. | ||
| He got hurt really bad the first round and came back and won the second and the third. | ||
| And it was a... | ||
| Really gutty performance, man. | ||
| And he had mad endurance. | ||
| And even in the third round, he outpaced Tom Lawler. | ||
| I mean, it was just a great fight. | ||
| Overall, a great fight. | ||
| And I don't know how anybody couldn't have enjoyed it. | ||
| I mean, I think in situations like that, I hate close decisions. | ||
| Because close decisions like that, man, it could have gone either way. | ||
| And so the fight really took place. | ||
| Everybody saw what happened. | ||
| And to decide that one guy won it or another guy won it when it's that close, I would much rather have a draw. | ||
| I think that fight could have easily been a draw. | ||
| You know, a lot of people thought that Tom Lawler won, which I definitely think he won the first round. | ||
| But I think Aaron Simpson won the second and third. | ||
| Although not in as large a margin. | ||
| Second, very slight. | ||
| And the third, a little bit more. | ||
| I think if you looked at it on paper, you could say, well, maybe you could give the first round 10-8. | ||
| But the bottom line is, forget about all that. | ||
| The bottom line is, it was a great fight. | ||
| And either guy should feel like a loser. | ||
| Like, there's no way Tom Lawler should feel like a loser after that fight. | ||
| And there's no way Aaron Simpson should have got booed. | ||
| Anytime I've been at a live fight or you hear the people... | ||
| I don't get mad, but I love when people start going, you know, start yelling, stand them up when they've been on the ground for maybe 35 seconds. | ||
| Yeah, it's the worst for referees. | ||
| Or if guys feel out each other. | ||
| Like, I'm okay with... | ||
| And I've sparred. | ||
| I mean, I spar... | ||
| MMA is my golf. | ||
| I don't spar to really try to tell everybody I enjoy the workout of it. | ||
| But even... | ||
| You know, you have to feel out a guy. | ||
| You don't just go, go, and then start, you know? | ||
| People expect, like, hockey fights sometimes, where it just erupts immediately. | ||
| They walk out, they go toe-to-toe, and start. | ||
| Well, I think it's just that when the action is great, it's so exciting that people want to keep that part going. | ||
| And then when it goes to the ground, the uneducated fans, if they don't know what's going on, they get upset. | ||
| But the problem is the referees in small towns. | ||
| Like when we go to Memphis, I don't want to say small towns. | ||
| Memphis isn't a small town. | ||
| But when we go outside of Vegas, a lot of times they use local referees. | ||
| And these guys, they're too busy. | ||
| They get involved in the action too much. | ||
| You know, fight guys, fight guys. | ||
| Meanwhile, they're fighting. | ||
| You know, like the guy's in the guard. | ||
| He's working his guard. | ||
| He's trying for an arm bar. | ||
| He's trying for something. | ||
| I'm going to stand you up. | ||
| I'm going to stand you up. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You're going to stay in love. | ||
| These guys are fighting. | ||
| That's a part of fighting. | ||
| I don't think most people realize the difficulty. | ||
| I mean, just have somebody your size, if not a little bit bigger, laying on top of you and then stand up from that position. | ||
| Just letting that person, just with their weight, how hard it is just to stand up. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| If I'm on my back and you're on top of me and I scramble and I get it that we both stand up together, that's a huge feat in itself. | ||
| Maybe not that exciting. | ||
| The only way you should get up is if you got up. | ||
| It shouldn't be the referee stands you up. | ||
| I hate all that shit. | ||
| I've always said that if If someone like Brock Lesnar can take you down and molest you for five minutes, then that's tough shit. | ||
| Tough shit. | ||
| He's got you on your back. | ||
| You have to figure out a way to get back up to your feet. | ||
| And if you can't, it's five minutes of him punching you in the face. | ||
| And that's life. | ||
| And if your technique to avoid that is to turn and run in circles so he can't tackle you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Then do it. | |
| Then that's it too. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| And believe me, what's going to decide your career is going to be fans. | ||
| And whether fans like your style, whether or not you sell tickets, whether or not you optimize your potential as a mixed martial artist. | ||
| And the fans are going to let you know whether or not they like your style. | ||
| And if you've got a boring-ass style, even if you like winning fights, nobody's going to give a shit. | ||
| They're not going to buy your pay-per-views. | ||
| And that's commerce. | ||
| That's how it's supposed to work. | ||
| It's supposed to be let the market dictate whether people like people or not. | ||
| Now, you said, you sent a clip the other day of tag team. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| But what do you think the evolution, if you were just to pretend the evolution, you think maybe in 40 years there'd be like maybe nunchucks on a rack, like on a hook on the side of the cage where then... | ||
| No. | ||
| No, because that's not as fun. | ||
| The fun thing is man to man, no weapons. | ||
| That's what, I mean, you could go to Roman gladiator style, have dudes have sword fights, and that would be, certainly be fucking crazy, but ultimately, I don't think it would be as enjoyable. | ||
| It would just be more fucked up, because your champions wouldn't survive. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Unless the guy was Miyamoto Musashi. | ||
| You know, Musashi beat 62 men in sword fights. | ||
| But unless you're Musashi, you know, what's going to happen? | ||
| You're going to get fucking sliced up. | ||
| You know what sucks about that tag team idea is half the people probably think that's a great idea. | ||
| Because they all came from wrestling. | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but all those wrestling fans are like, fucking tag team jiu-jitsu? | |
| No, go to the YouTube clip that I posted up on tag team MMA. Every fucking comment is, what the fuck is this gay shit? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What happened then? | ||
| What happened from the transition of wrestling thinking that's an awesome idea to all those fans? | ||
| Well, wrestling's fake. | ||
| I know, but... | ||
| I mean, basically, the real evolution is war. | ||
| It's like football. | ||
| It's like a team of MMA guys on one side of the field. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| I got a Hulk Hogan story for you, by the way. | ||
| When we were at the UFC, he sat right in front of me. | ||
| And he has this really weird hair where it looks like it's a wig almost. | ||
| But he pulled out a comb. | ||
| And during the UFC, the whole time, he was just combing the back of his hair. | ||
| And just kind of going like this and flipping it over his shoulder. | ||
| And I was just like, is this really the Hulk Hogan that I know? | ||
| He's combing his hair. | ||
| Well, he probably does it for, it's probably a show. | ||
| Like part of his image. | ||
| Image is combing. | ||
| You know, because he's silly. | ||
| He's always on. | ||
| When he's out in public, you know, he's the Hulkster. | ||
| Dude, interviewing him was the shit. | ||
| How was that? | ||
| He was fucking awesome, man. | ||
| He was a really nice guy, huh? | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| A real nice guy. | ||
| Every interview... | ||
| Well, not every interview you've done. | ||
| I saw you interview. | ||
| There's been a fight in the stands right before you go to talk to them. | ||
| It happened with Sylvester Stallone. | ||
| You interviewed Rocky. | ||
| And there was a thing... | ||
| Did it happen with Hulk? | ||
| There's always a little moment right before... | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| I guess, or to make it more realistic, maybe you could have cage fighting or where you have the two fighters and then random people standing around like a bar fight. | ||
| So then you'd have to worry about throwing a punch back and having... | ||
| It's going to be robots MMA in the future. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's going to be human-chimp hybrids. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| People are going to infuse their body with chimp DNA. They're going to be able to jump over the top of the cage. | ||
| They're going to be so much stronger and faster. | ||
| There's definitely going to be genetic engineering in the future. | ||
| And when genetic engineering becomes a reality... | ||
| Forget about steroids. | ||
| Steroids are going to be nonsense. | ||
| It's going to be nothing. | ||
| When they get myostatin inhibitors... | ||
| You ever seen the video of... | ||
| There's a couple of kids that have been born with myostatin problems, and what happens is they develop an extreme amount of muscle. | ||
| There's Whippets. | ||
| There's a dog called the Whippet, and they breed these dogs to try to make them fast, to make them sleek and run fast. | ||
| And occasionally, they have an error in their genetics and they get giant muscles. | ||
| They don't even look real, they look photoshopped, but it's a real dog. | ||
| Like super roided up and shredded and no fat. | ||
| I mean, it's incredible. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| But they've done it already to mice. | ||
| They've engineered mice so that these mice have this myostatin inhibitor situation going on and they have giant muscles and they live longer. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| I'm all for it, man. | ||
| I hope all that stuff comes around right around the time when I'm in my 60s, 70s. | ||
| It's going to happen, man. | ||
| I'm going to Sylvester Stallone. | ||
| Well, everything is going in a direction where, like science fiction, like the things that we thought of as being completely ridiculous in the 1980s, the stuff that you would see in a movie, I mean, it's all real now. | ||
| I mean, you see that new Microsoft Touch thing where they have a table and you can put something on the table and it recognizes what that something is and gives you information on it. | ||
| I mean, that's like minority report type shit. | ||
| I mean, this is all that's going to happen. | ||
| I was talking about that new cell phone idea that Nokia has where it's a phone that you're talking and then you flip it on your wrist when you're done. | ||
| It turns into jewelry. | ||
| Yeah, and it wraps around you somehow? | ||
| Yeah, it's like those bracelets, those old metal bracelets you used to flip on your wrist, you know, like girls would have them. | ||
| But it's a cell phone, it's a bendable LCD, and they just happened in it the other day. | ||
| And it's pretty much what it is. | ||
| They can un-straighten it out, use it as a phone, and then when they're done, you just flip it on your wrist. | ||
| I saw the, they had this, what's that, Neo Technology where they took shark skin, how it's all bladed, and they made this suit that's almost unstabbable and stuff for like soldiers, where you wear, almost like a wetsuit, but nothing can get through it. | ||
| So it's like Kevlar. | ||
| Kevlar, but it's thinner and stuff than it's ever been before, so you can wear it as a full body. | ||
| And you can't stab someone with it. | ||
| Well, regular Kevlar can be stabbed straight on, you know, with a knife. | ||
| You can get through Kevlar. | ||
| But this is some... | ||
| Shark skin is what some guy invented. | ||
| He invented it to stop shark attacks. | ||
| But it's not that chain mail stuff. | ||
| It's like a wetsuit that can't be... | ||
| So now they're messing with that stuff. | ||
| One day they're going to have a real Iron Man suit. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| That's what shit's going to be crazy. | ||
| If they don't already. | ||
| Or all the guys are going to look like Halo, the dudes from Halo, definitely. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| All that technology. | ||
| I think it's going to be like Star Wars where you're going to have a helmet that you pull out so you can't breathe the air outside and stuff. | ||
| Well, yeah, there's going to be that, but I think most of the war is going to be fought like what the CIA is doing in Pakistan right now. | ||
| They've got drones. | ||
| These drones are flying over Pakistan just launching missiles down on people. | ||
| The bottom line is that all things accelerate. | ||
| No things stay exactly where they are and the only time they degress is when there's a gigantic natural catastrophe or you know somebody blows up a bunch of nuclear weapons and you know we go back to being fucking cavemen. | ||
| I mean that's the only way things are gonna decelerate. | ||
| But the way things are going right now they're gonna move in a crazier and crazier direction. | ||
| Faster and faster too. | ||
| We went from Bows and arrows, to guns, to cannons, to... | ||
| And it keeps going and going and going, and now it's fucking drones that fire missiles from the sky. | ||
| I mean, that's... | ||
| And then, you know, like the Star Wars program that they were trying to do during the Reagan administration, you know, they were trying to have it so that they have satellites that can shoot down missiles from space. | ||
| But apparently that was all bullshit. | ||
| Apparently that never really worked, and apparently... | ||
| There's a gigantic conspiracy... | ||
| Wrapped around the scientists that were involved in the Star Wars program. | ||
| Because apparently a fuckload of them have died under suspicious causes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| If you Google it, anybody who wants to Google it, we can Google it right now and I'll put up a link for you guys. | ||
| But I don't know if this is a legit... | ||
| Obviously, I don't know if it's a legit conspiracy theory. | ||
| But the Star Wars scientists... | ||
| On a side note, on the conspiracy theory stuff that you talk about, is there one site if you, let's say you're a new guy? | ||
| Adams Jones. | ||
| Black helicopters. | ||
| Infowars.com, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Infowars. | ||
| Geo Marconi scientist, death conspiracy theorist. | ||
| Mystery of the dead scientist conspiracy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Wikipedia has a little page on it. | ||
| Between 1982 and 1990, 25 British-based GEC Marconi scientists and engineers who work Oh, that's a stingray. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Star Wars Defense Initiative. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Died under mysterious circumstances. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Police investigations found his death to be unconnected. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| The same police that are out tasering grandmas and shit? | ||
| Is that who did it? | ||
| It's probably the snacks out of the vending machine. | ||
| Star Wars is probably how AIDS was created. | ||
| There's so many sites on this, I don't even want to link it. | ||
| Because I just... | ||
| Yeah, you know what I'll do? | ||
| I'll link the Google search. | ||
| So you do your own work. | ||
| Because who the fuck knows how many of these guys are completely crazy. | ||
| So I just sent it up there. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Who knows how many guys are completely out of their fucking mind. | ||
| And who knows? | ||
| Whether or not it's real, you know? | ||
| Star Wars was Reagan, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the Reagan administration was famous for a bunch of secret shit that was going on. | ||
| This is Reagan introducing Star Wars, his announcement of what it was back in the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What, are you showing it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What, are you going to show a video or something? | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck. | ||
| Don't put that up. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Star Wars. | ||
| The whole thing... | ||
| Why not? | ||
| We can show people them introducing Star Wars. | ||
| Because I don't want to play them. | ||
| It was just a program where they shot, supposedly had satellites that could shoot down missiles from space. | ||
| But apparently it was never functional. | ||
| Never proven. | ||
| To be effective. | ||
| They spent billions and billions of dollars on it. | ||
| And all these scientists dying, the big theory was that, you know, these guys knew too much and they knew that it was horseshit and so they had to kill them off before they talked. | ||
| I wouldn't put it past them. | ||
| You know, you get the CIA involved, and if you ever read Confessions of an Economic Hitman, and you find out the shit that our government does to other countries, they'd kill scientists. | ||
| They'd kill anybody. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| They're the same people that wanted us to go to war in Iraq and were willing to lie about weapons of mass destruction. | ||
| Everybody's going on and on about September 11th. | ||
| Do you really think the government would allow innocent people to die during September 11th so they could go to war? | ||
| I don't know, but do you really think they believed there was weapons of mass destruction? | ||
| Do you really think that we're over in Iraq and Afghanistan for good reasons that benefit you and I? No. | ||
| And millions of people have died because of that. | ||
| At least a million Iraqi civilians have died because of that. | ||
| And so, if they're willing to do that, you don't think they're willing to kill a few thousand here and there? | ||
| Of course they are. | ||
| And forget about the few thousand that died during 9-11. | ||
| The million people that died in Iraq are human beings. | ||
| They're just as legitimate as the people that died in the Twin Towers. | ||
| I mean, it's all completely ridiculous. | ||
| Someone says, can we change topic to something fun? | ||
| Allah be praised is his name. | ||
| Somebody said, please look up the definition of literally. | ||
| You, Mike, and Dana use that word too much and you don't know what it means. | ||
| Oh, how do you know what I know? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| The literal translation. | ||
| I know what literal means. | ||
| You know, I was talking to somebody recently who has a Joe Rogan UFC drinking game where... | ||
| If the guy gets rocked? | ||
| No. | ||
| He pre-watched it. | ||
| I forgot what it said. | ||
| He pre-watched it and then bet his friends BJ Penn Spider Monkey Lakes. | ||
| It's kind of a weird random one. | ||
| I don't know if you've ever said... | ||
| I've never heard that. | ||
| I might have said it. | ||
| You know, when you do 100 UFCs, I might have said that one day and forgot I said it. | ||
| He doesn't have spider monster. | ||
| Listen to this guy, there's no such thing as a legit conspiracy theory. | ||
| Okay smart man, like you fucking know. | ||
| How funny are people? | ||
| There's no such thing as real conspiracy theory. | ||
| Of course there are stupid. | ||
| Look up the Gulf of Tonkin. | ||
| The Gulf of Tonkin incident is a real conspiracy theory where the government really did lie and say that there was an attack on American citizens and that's what got us into the Vietnam War. | ||
| Look up the Northwoods document. | ||
| The Northwoods document is a real conspiracy that the Joint Chiefs of Staff drafted up and signed and then it was vetoed by Kennedy and what it was was basically they were trying to get people enthusiastic about a war with Cuba and they were gonna plan a tax on American civilians. | ||
| They were gonna blow up an airliner and blame it on Cuba and say that Americans were on board They were going to attack ships. | ||
| They were going to attack Guantanamo Bay. | ||
| They were going to throw mortars into Guantanamo Bay, and they were ready for U.S. casualties, which meant they were willing to kill Americans in order to get us to go to war with Cuba. | ||
| These are real! | ||
| How about fucking cigarettes? | ||
| You want a real conspiracy theory? | ||
| How come politicians all want to talk about drugs and we need to keep drugs out of schools? | ||
| Drugs in this country can't even fucking come close to the death and destruction and health problems that cigarettes have caused. | ||
| But yet, you don't hear a fucking peep out of those guys about cigarettes. | ||
| Cigarettes kill 400,000 people a year. | ||
| in this country alone every fucking year that's a real legit conspiracy where no one is talking about it and the reason why they're not talking about is because tobacco companies Finance campaigns of politicians. | ||
| Those are conspiracies. | ||
| What a conspiracy is is someone conspires to do something. | ||
| There's hundreds of legit conspiracies. | ||
| Look up the Iran-Contra affair. | ||
| Look up the fact that Oliver North and all those guys were involved in doing illegal shit in order to help... | ||
| I just watched a thing where they were bringing cocaine into the US. Well, that's the accusation and there's a bunch of books that have been written on that and CIA agents. | ||
| There's a guy named Gary Webb who's got a bunch of shit on that. | ||
| And there was a dude named Barry Seal who actually was bringing in cocaine from other countries, got caught, and when he was about to go to trial, was murdered. | ||
| And that was to go, they bring in coke from those Afghanistan-type countries to help support them to fight the Russians. | ||
| Yeah, and here's another one. | ||
| People say, oh man, the CIA is good, they help us. | ||
| Sure, some CIA... I'm sure do that, but the CIA, one of the planes that's been to Guantanamo Bay crashed last year in Mexico with four tons of cocaine. | ||
| I'm going to put up that link. | ||
| Yeah, and it didn't even fucking make the news, man. | ||
| It made Reuters, and it didn't make any of the big news programs. | ||
| I'll put up that link for you guys. | ||
| But this is a fucking CIA plane. | ||
| Mike Rupert was the LA cop that busted that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they had a special on HBO something, the two, because there were two black dudes that were the ones that all funneled through. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The bottom line about human beings, though, is that people are so lackadaisical when it comes to shit. | ||
| It's just so, you know, that stuff could be on the news and people would care more about John and Kate. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| John has to pay $10,000 a month in child support and alimony. | ||
| How's he going to do it? | ||
| And that would be big news. | ||
| Whereas people wouldn't give a fuck about the CIA selling drugs. | ||
| All you have to do is have one person on television say it's bullshit and that's all you need to get 90% of the people to believe it. | ||
| And a lot of those shows, a lot of the news ones, there's people, that's what they do for a living. | ||
| They say they can put their name in a database to be an expert about whatever. | ||
| And then CNN or Fox will go, we need a guy that knows about... | ||
| And then you're the expert on drug addiction. | ||
| It's been proven that oil companies have hired scientists to dispute the fact that human beings have created global warming. | ||
| Who the fuck knows whether or not they're right or wrong when it comes to global warming and most people that argue it They argue it from the point of being a conservative or being a liberal. | ||
| Liberals always say we have to stop, and conservatives say there's no connection. | ||
| And that's just because they're a bunch of fucking parrots. | ||
| They hear all these different people, Rush Limbaugh or whoever on the radio, saying that there's no connection, that you're these silly liberals, and they just repeat the same dumb shit. | ||
| And conservatives, Do that. | ||
| And then liberals, they see that fucking Al Gore cocksucker and they go, Al Gore said that... | ||
| Meanwhile, Al Gore's made a billion dollars off of this fucking climate gate. | ||
| If you look at what Al Gore has made, the money that Al Gore's made since The Inconvenient Truth came out, it's fucking staggering. | ||
| He's made an incredible amount of money off of this. | ||
| And the people that would benefit from all these carbon taxes, I mean, they're setting this up to make money, and that's what they're doing. | ||
| No one's doing this. | ||
| I'm sure there's a few scientists that are doing it with the right intentions, but most of the politicians that are pushing this, they have ulterior motives, and they're trying to make money off of this shit. | ||
| Hey, Joe Rogan, did you hear JohnnyBananas21 at gmail.com says, did you hear that the Y chromosome is evolving faster than the X chromosome? | ||
| That's because we're men, bitch. | ||
| Johnny Bananas. | ||
| We're the only ones with the Y. The women don't get the Y. The Y is the future. | ||
| I just saw a documentary about that males are disappearing because of all the chemicals. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that too. | ||
| That's why guys act more girlish now. | ||
| If you look at... | ||
| Well, that's a surplus of men. | ||
| When there's a surplus of men, men act more aggressive and grow more facial hair and become more masculine and have more testosterone. | ||
| When there's a surplus of women, men tend to relax and they tend to be more feminine and they tend to shave more and be more metrosexual. | ||
| Yeah, this one was about all the chemicals that probably our parents or our parents' parents did in the 60s, all the plastics and all that kind of stuff, where they said it wasn't bad for you. | ||
| Now they realize it is and for some reason that those chemicals Affect men more like they found me these alligators that live by let's say doll in in the in the swamps had smaller balls then alligators You know generations earlier that all those chemicals were shrinking the alligator balls I don't know what job you have that that's your guy that you know one guy goes I'm gonna measure it alligator balls Yeah. | ||
| But that's what they say. | ||
| It's from all the chemicals and stuff. | ||
| That men are acting less like men and producing more sperm. | ||
| More sperm? | ||
| Less. | ||
| No, less sperm. | ||
| So young guys now have less sperm than their dads probably have, which it should be. | ||
| Well, that's the internet. | ||
| We're getting rid of more sperm than our dads. | ||
| I didn't jerk off that much? | ||
| You didn't have as much to jerk off with. | ||
| I bet it's much more difficult for your dad to be obsessive about masturbation because they used to have to set up a projector, pull the shades down, pull the screen, run that little 16mm, watch some black and white old ladies. | ||
| Less molestation nowadays, too. | ||
| I wonder what the odds are. | ||
| I bet it's down. | ||
| I don't think it's down. | ||
| You don't think? | ||
| Or go even back further than that. | ||
| That was guys had to put up the projector, but even though the guys before that had to... | ||
| Paint stuff on walls and caves. | ||
| There's way more people now. | ||
| So there's way more molestation. | ||
| But per capita? | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| The Japanese believe that if you show all that shit, you show rape and molestation and crazy sex. | ||
| That's why they're into schoolgirls and all that shit. | ||
| They feel like it gets it out of your system. | ||
| That if you watch violence in video and movie form, that somehow or another it gets it out of your system. | ||
| Why do they blur all their porn now? | ||
| They only blur the pubes. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| It is weird. | ||
| Very weird. | ||
| It's like, wait, you're allowed to get fucked by a tentacle, but you can't see it? | ||
| Can't you see pussy, or do you not see it? | ||
| No, the whole thing's blurred. | ||
| It's all that bad witness reload. | ||
| But if you squint, like in the old days in the news, if you squint, you can see this stuff. | ||
| And then I find myself squinting, going, there's other porn that I could be watching that's way more... | ||
| Like that old-school kind of French, kind of European porn? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you remember when you were, when you were, the old days, when you would go on the road, and you would go to hotel rooms, and the dirty movies would be scrambled? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they would only be like wiggly. | ||
| Yeah, and you could almost... | ||
| You'd go a line through them, and you'd see like a tit, and you'd see like a dick that would go in a mouth, and you'd have enough to jerk off to. | ||
| You used to be able to those, you used to be able to get like a three or four minute preview to see if you wanted, so you'd have ten... | ||
| Done by the time that preview. | ||
| Yeah, you hit the second preview. | ||
| I was proud of myself. | ||
| I would get hard, and then as the preview was going, I would be done 15 seconds. | ||
| Or it's weird with the VHS. If you borrowed porn from somebody, you could see what their thing was. | ||
| Because when you put it in and hit play, whatever scene, you know that they just hit stop after they were done. | ||
| So you're like, really? | ||
| That's the thing? | ||
| Yeah, did someone have a bit about that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think Chris Rock had a bit about that. | ||
| About how he turned out one of his porns. | ||
| And he had left it at a certain scene, but then, because it was a VHS tape, but then when he went to it the next time, it was a different scene. | ||
| It's like, someone's been watching my shit. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| It's so true, right? | ||
| That was, yeah. | ||
| I remember renting VCRs. | ||
| This is like, we were 18 and a half. | ||
| You'd rent VCRs and then leave it in there when you take it back or something. | ||
| Or you'd rip off of the... | ||
| I remember at birthday parties my mom would go to the library and rent a movie projector just to show movies at my birthday party. | ||
| Do you think the CIA had a hand in Gary Webb's death? | ||
| I don't know the story behind Gary Webb's death. | ||
| How did Gary Webb die? | ||
| So, the iTablet's going to be announced next week, supposedly by Apple, and they don't know what the name is. | ||
| It's like iSlate or iPad, and I'm sitting in bed at like 4 in the morning, and I'm like thinking, what could it be called? | ||
| And I'm thinking, why wouldn't they call it like iTab? | ||
| What if they call it iTab? | ||
| It's not like I go online and buy itab.tv, just in case, you know... | ||
| I'm addicted to domain names. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| I've got like 8 trillion that I would never use for any reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you really? | |
| Do you have a lot? | ||
| What's some of them that you own? | ||
| I've owned... | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| This is back in AOL days. | ||
| Obviously, I never did. | ||
| LOL. Whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Stop, stop, stop. | ||
| This Gary Webb guy that they're asking, that they were talking about, the whole dropped all the stuff about the CIA and the Contras and everything... | ||
| Committed suicide, according to the coroner. | ||
| Shot himself in the face twice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, if it didn't work the first time, you're definitely like, No, why am I still alive? | |
| I guess, yeah. | ||
| That was the guy that said all the... | ||
| The cocaine guy? | ||
| Credible Sources... | ||
| Yeah, this is the guy that was releasing all the information about the CIA selling cocaine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alright, hold on a second. | ||
| I'll copy this. | ||
| I'll paste it for you guys. | ||
| Yeah, that was an interesting, uh... | ||
| Because when the Iran-Contra stuff was going on, I think I was like, you know, 11 or 12, you know, in there. | ||
| Yeah, I had an Oliver North for President t-shirt. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't even... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's interesting. | |
| Dude, shot himself in the fucking face twice. | ||
| That's hardcore. | ||
| Ooh! | ||
| Ouch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| Who knows? | ||
| Anyway, what are you talking about? | ||
| The iTablet? | ||
| No, our addiction to domain names. | ||
| What's some domain names that you buy? | ||
| I'll think of something usually when I'm really stoned. | ||
| Did you buy John Heffron's socks? | ||
| John Heffron's a fag? | ||
| John Heffron's a loser? | ||
| I should've. | ||
| Or scam? | ||
| John Heffron's scam? | ||
| Because you always see those at the first. | ||
| Whatever you're looking, you always see the word scam at the top, and then when you click on whatever it is, it's just pro whatever you're looking. | ||
| Because I think naturally, if you're looking to buy something, you see the scam, you're like, well, I'll go to the negative first. | ||
| Some dude said it was Doug Stanhope's bit about his mom with the porno. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| You know what's awful? | ||
| There's a company called Ripoff Report. | ||
| And this is like, I don't know how this is legal at all. | ||
| If somebody's mad at your company or something like that, they can put something on there. | ||
| And what this company does is it uses spam techniques where it spams like message boards and all this shit all day long. | ||
| So Google puts it on the top of your list. | ||
| So my friend has a fashion company that does like dresses and stuff like that. | ||
| And the first thing that comes up when you Google is rip-off report. | ||
| This person's ripping you off and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And my friend's like, how do I get rid of this? | ||
| And they're like, well, if you give us $2,000, we'll take it off. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| So the company that reports on people for scams, they're basically just extorting people? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's called rip-off report. | ||
| And the funny thing is... | ||
| You can pay them and they'll take it down? | ||
| They'll take your name off of it. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| It's called ripoffreport.com and it seems like it's a legit company. | ||
| So if you have a problem with somebody's business or something like that, you can write a letter like, this person ripped me off and stuff like that. | ||
| But that's extortion. | ||
| How is that legal? | ||
| It is extortion. | ||
| And if you go online, there's a lot of people suing this company. | ||
| There's about 12 different lawsuits going on for this company right now. | ||
| But she's been trying everything to get this shit off. | ||
| She was on TV the other day. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Still, first thing you Google her name, it comes up. | ||
| What is her name? | ||
| Michelle Wendell. | ||
| M-I-C-H-E-L-L-E Wendell. | ||
| W-E-N-D-E-L-E. And somebody like that, I don't know how successful, but either way, people like that don't have the money to go after them. | ||
| That's pretty expensive. | ||
| I was going to sue a company recently. | ||
| And it was just, it ended up being just so much money that you had to go, well, do I want to use that just to say that I'm right? | ||
| Or do you just say, you know? | ||
| Both of those people are ex-employees, too, that wrote those things. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That she fired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That makes sense. | |
| Yeah, it seems like there'd be some kind of libel or something. | ||
| Yeah, well, they're getting sued, but... | ||
| With who? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari. | |
| Okay. | ||
| But the whole thing that's weird about it is that it's like... | ||
| What was I even talking about? | ||
| Ari Shafir is here. | ||
| Ari Shafir just showed up, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That crazy Jew. | ||
| We didn't even call him and tell him to come here. | ||
| I have a special guest. | ||
| My special guest this week is John Heffron. | ||
| It's not Ari Shafir. | ||
| What is that, Mumbles? | ||
| Well, Ari Shafir came because probably he knows I got the best weed. | ||
| Hey, let's talk about Ari's latest Twitter. | ||
| What's his latest Twitter? | ||
| I've had a lot of people ask me. | ||
| How many percentages of Artie's Twitters have to do with suicide? | ||
| Or, no, I was going to say shitting of some type. | ||
| Of something leaving his bone hole. | ||
| Yeah, he talks about... | ||
| Someone says, I'm disappointed that you're not getting high. | ||
| The reason why we're not getting high was because, up until a few moments ago, my little baby was in the house, and my mommy and the baby, and we're in the media room right now, and there's no ventilation up in this bitch. | ||
| Hi, Ari's down here with a shotgun in his mouth. | ||
| He's been doing all this suicide shit lately. | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi. | |
| No, she's coming to get you. | ||
| You've got to call her, honey. | ||
| John, where are you at next? | ||
| Where are you at this weekend? | ||
| I'm nowhere this weekend. | ||
| And then I'm in Nashville the following week. | ||
| Have you thought ever about deleting your MySpace? | ||
| I'm actually to the point where I'm thinking about deleting my MySpace. | ||
| I still put up blogs. | ||
| I still will take a blog. | ||
| Whenever I put a blog, I'll throw it nine out of ten times. | ||
| I'll throw it up on MySpace as well. | ||
| Just because I think more people... | ||
| A few more will read it. | ||
| Yeah, I like the MySpace because it has the dates and you don't have to be a fan to actually see the dates. | ||
| You don't have to be a fan to see the dates. | ||
| You see, there's two different things. | ||
| Facebook's really confusing. | ||
| There's a fan page. | ||
| I have a fan page. | ||
| And there's something else that you don't have to be a fan to see the dates. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's the two? | ||
| It's a fan page and a group. | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
| Facebook's so annoying with this. | ||
| You know what's made of the death of Facebook, by the way, is I don't want any more pillows sent to me. | ||
| I don't want any... | ||
| You can turn all that off. | ||
| I don't see any of that. | ||
| You turn off any kind of that. | ||
| Pillows are blessings. | ||
| I appreciate this. | ||
| How do you... | ||
| It's in your settings. | ||
| It's so confusing. | ||
| Yeah, like there's this pillow fight. | ||
| So you'll go to your thing and there'll be like 50 people hit you with pillows. | ||
| I'm going to find the dude who invented glitter tags. | ||
| Glitter tags? | ||
| Yeah, it's just... | ||
| I don't want anybody putting... | ||
| It's my wall. | ||
| Who would have ever thought that that would be popular? | ||
| Have you been to the mall? | ||
| Hey, let me glitter your iPhone. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Or people that can tag you. | ||
| I'll get comics that'll have their video on YouTube, and they'll tag me, and then suddenly their video of them on stage is on my... | ||
| It's like my property. | ||
| That's my grass. | ||
| Stay off of my grass. | ||
| Me and Joe were talking about this the other day. | ||
| We have a friend that doesn't want people to... | ||
| He's very private. | ||
| But since somebody just posted a photo of them, and now every single person that that person's friends with can see all these photos... | ||
| Yeah, you can go right to that photo even if it's private. | ||
| Yeah, Facebook's a mess. | ||
| Yeah, the security sayings are sketchy. | ||
| And there was a dude who was a former Facebook employee that was talking about it, you know, divulging all the information about how they do things. | ||
| Well, you know, that's how they're doing a lot of, people are seeing a lot of people's identity, is they'll go, you, and I'll get enough information from your site, Just in general, that I can then use that to piece mail. | ||
| Well, how about this? | ||
| A bunch of dudes are getting scammed. | ||
| This is very common. | ||
| Where guys are pretending to be chicks. | ||
| And they're pretending to be chicks online. | ||
| And some dude was posing as a Maxim model and scammed $15,000 out of some doctor in Florida. | ||
| Sent pictures. | ||
| Photoshopped naked pictures. | ||
| And apparently this dude had a girl's voice. | ||
| Like a really feminine voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'll put up the link for you guys. | ||
| But it's fascinating how fucking gullible dudes are. | ||
| How the fuck do you not know? | ||
| Did you put up the link to somebody wanting to know about what you were talking about earlier with the mice? | ||
| No, I didn't put up the myostatin inhibitor thing, but I'll put it. | ||
| I'm going to put up this. | ||
| We can put a John Heffron Twitter up there, though, right? | ||
| I need followers. | ||
| John Heffron. | ||
| Follow John Heffron. | ||
| I just broke a thousand followers. | ||
| Finally. | ||
| God, that took forever. | ||
| I try to keep mine, too. | ||
| I go in spurts with Twitter. | ||
| Sometimes I want to Twitter three in a row, but then I'll feel bad and then won't do any for like a day or two. | ||
| But then I realize everybody's following a lot of people, so it's not that annoying. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's weird how, like, it's so different, like, MySpace, I had no problem getting frames, you know, like, on, or whatever. | ||
| But with Twitter, people are a little bit more picky because they have to read your shit every day. | ||
| Say that again? | ||
| It's different how, like, Twitter, like, some people are huge on Twitter, you know, and you wouldn't think they are. | ||
| Like, Twitter makes no sense to me, like, numbers, why, you know, like, Ashton Kutcher is the most popular person. | ||
| Well, he's on magazines, and he goes on CNN, and he talks about his Twitter on CNN. Yeah, but so does Larry King every day, but he's not even a quarter of that. | ||
| Yeah, but Larry King's a fucking dinosaur. | ||
| Ah, Larry King. | ||
| Nobody gives a shit about Larry King. | ||
| The young people with Twitter don't give a fuck about Larry King, but they certainly give a fuck about Ashton Kutcher, that handsome devil with his elderly wife. | ||
| They love that dude. | ||
| I wonder how long he's going to keep her. | ||
| Because Ashton's only like fucking 27 years old, right? | ||
| Isn't he? | ||
| He's got me in his 30s now. | ||
| No, I think he's like, yeah, 30. Okay, let's say he's 35. She's 47. When he's 45, she's going to be 57. That's a tough sell. | ||
| Well, I think it's creepy that he hangs out with Bruce Willis. | ||
| He hangs out with Bruce Willis. | ||
| Yeah, like all the time they're doing videos and twitters again. | ||
| Maybe they suck Bruce Willis' dick. | ||
| Yeah, I think they all just fuck each other. | ||
| Maybe Bruce Willis takes out of Jimmy's ass and puts an ass in his mouth. | ||
| That is weird. | ||
| I don't want to hang around with some dude who made babies with my wife. | ||
| was fucking her like every night sleeping in bed with her and cuddling with her but you know what I'm not that open minded maybe Ashton's really open minded or maybe it's just like I can't believe I'm hanging out with Bruce Willis like hey this is awesome I'm in with the Hollywood crowd Bruce is so cool we hang out and party meanwhile Bruce is like Oh, I'll get you a beer. | ||
| Actually, Ashton's got a better career than Bruce nowadays. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you with those terrible movies he makes? | ||
| How dare you say that? | ||
| Bruce fucking yippee-ki-yay motherfucker. | ||
| He's got a bigger career. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up! | |
| Shut your mouth, boy! | ||
| But, like, how many shows is Ashton fucking producing right now? | ||
| He produced the show that I did, Game Show in My Head. | ||
| He produced that. | ||
| And they all suck. | ||
| Every single one of them. | ||
| Bruce Willis is Bruce fucking Willis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you seen the Butterfly Effect? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How many people have Ashton Kutcher saved in a movie? | ||
| Good point, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Saved. | |
| I've never watched this movie. | ||
| I know, but I'm trying to... | ||
| The Butterfly Effect is probably not one. | ||
| Awesome comedy. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| Yeah, you know... | ||
| Awesome unintentional comedy. | ||
| Bruce, what action flicks? | ||
| Okay, all the diehards. | ||
| You know, how many people has Ashton Kutcher killed in a movie? | ||
| How about, what is that movie? | ||
| The Monkey Movie? | ||
| 18 Monkeys? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| 12 Monkeys? | ||
| 12 Monkeys or something. | ||
| That was a good movie. | ||
| 11 Monkeys? | ||
| Yeah, 6 Monkeys. | ||
| That was a badass movie. | ||
| Didn't Bruce Willis save us in an asteroid? | ||
| Yeah, he probably got lost or died on the way over here. | ||
| His cheap-ass car probably didn't make it. | ||
| Yeah, that's because he's pretty selfish as far as movies. | ||
| He didn't save the world. | ||
| Do you have a video that we can play while we go for a weed break? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's a good idea. | |
| Does the video work, though? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I wasn't set up for that. | ||
| What can you play while we go do a weed break? | ||
| We're going to go pick up Ari, and we're going to go smoke some weed, and the show will be infinitely funnier in five minutes. | ||
| Let's play... | ||
| Global Thermal Nuclear War. | ||
| Ashton Kutcher's only 31 years old. | ||
| Shazam. | ||
| These bitches know what time it is. | ||
| Hold on, let me get something weird. | ||
| How often do I get pwned? | ||
| How do you say pwned in real life? | ||
| P-W-N-E-D. Someone wants to know how often I get tapped? | ||
| I get tapped at least every month. | ||
| At least once a month. | ||
| Last month I got tapped one, two... | ||
| Three times. | ||
| I got tapped three times last month. | ||
| And that was because moving back to L.A. from Colorado, I was out of shape. | ||
| I wasn't training that much. | ||
| And, you know, you roll with good guys. | ||
| You get tapped. | ||
| Especially when you're tired. | ||
| When you roll, like, after the first guy. | ||
| The first guy, you know, you drill. | ||
| The way we do it at Tenth Planet is you drill for the first half hour, 40 minutes. | ||
| And that gets you tired, but you still have good energy. | ||
| But then the first roll, you have full energy. | ||
| The first roll, you feel great. | ||
| But if you roll with a tough guy and everybody at 10th Planet, I mean, you're rolling with brown belts and purple belts. | ||
| All those dudes are tough. | ||
| All those dudes are capable of tapping you out. | ||
| And then it's a matter of how much endurance you have. | ||
| Because if you put yourself in bad positions, especially if you're pulling guard all the time, because I'm trying to work on my bottom game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Trying to work on my guard. | ||
| You get tapped. | ||
| I get tapped. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I get tapped all the time. | ||
| Once a month. | ||
| If you don't get tapped, you're either not rolling with good people or you're not opening yourself up. | ||
| If you don't open your game up, you don't improve. | ||
| First of all, if I just wanted to get on top all the time and always hold position and not take any chances, you could go a year without getting tapped. | ||
| But... | ||
| If you want to learn and you want to develop your game, you can't worry about being tapped. | ||
| When you get tapped, you got to go, okay, that's one more way that I won't get tapped. | ||
| My friend Scott got me in this crazy arm bar from inside my guard. | ||
| I had him in my guard and he got me in an arm bar. | ||
| That's never happened to me before. | ||
| It's some crazy thing where... | ||
| As you scoop under the leg to try to toss the guy and get him in an arm bar, he has this way of locking your arm with his leg and he pulls on it. | ||
| It's real dangerous. | ||
| It felt like my elbow was going to go. | ||
| And I was like, you motherfucker. | ||
| I'm like, how'd you get that? | ||
| And then I had him show it to me. | ||
| But now, he tried to do it again the day before yesterday and he couldn't get me in it. | ||
| But it's just because he got me in it. | ||
| Hey, you got in. | ||
| Did you let yourself in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh, she came. | |
| Who came? | ||
| The housekeeper? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Powerful Shafir. | ||
| Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen, with Lola. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's with Lola. | |
| She refused to say hi. | ||
| Lola refused to say hi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then she was like, say hi. | |
| And she goes, no. | ||
| Ari, do you got a video? | ||
| Yeah, looking for something good. | ||
| Ari Shafir is here. | ||
| Ari, come say hi to the American public. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi. | |
| All 518 people. | ||
| You don't even know where the fuck we are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're over here. | |
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right here. | |
| Art doesn't want to sit so close to me. | ||
| I'm too sexual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's weird. | |
| Hi. | ||
| Yeah, it's not your stuff. | ||
| There's a delay. | ||
| Watch. | ||
| Here comes your goofy head. | ||
| It's going to come in. | ||
| There you are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about him? | |
| I was looking for a video. | ||
| Oh, don't show that video. | ||
| Bring my Mastiff in. | ||
| He'll create problems. | ||
| Whenever I'm standing by that door, that gate, and I was like, come on in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not so I get the okay. | |
| You're not going to have that killer's around and doesn't know me. | ||
| I need somebody who knows me. | ||
| I wouldn't come in if I saw Johnny. | ||
| Brutus is small. | ||
| He's not going to do anything, but... | ||
| If Johnny thought you were scared, he'd be like, what are you afraid of, bitch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he would take advantage. | |
| How you doing that, Ron? | ||
| Good, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's going on? | |
| What did you find? | ||
| It's a six-minute special on how this local person is giving medical marijuana to his autistic kid legally. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's the one where the kid is all fucked up and he gives him little pieces of hash every day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's really interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it's six minutes long, so that'd be great. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to just show you a little clip of video so that we can go get high, and then when we come back, this is going to be a totally fucking different show. | ||
| Alright, talk further about it. | ||
| You feel me, bitches? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, they're saying that it will cure autism or it will help autism? | |
| It helps autism. | ||
| People that have autism, yeah, they're kids. | ||
| This guy has a medical marijuana prescription for his kid because his kid has autism. | ||
| And yeah, this is a local guy. | ||
| And nothing was working, nothing was helping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And what are the positive effects? | |
| The kid just relaxes. | ||
| It calmed him down. | ||
| You gonna go full screen with that bitch? | ||
| Yeah, hold on. | ||
| We're still working on it. | ||
| We're still trying to iron out the things. | ||
| This program's really clunky. | ||
| We need to get a good program into this. | ||
| We're trying to... | ||
| How smart is my Mastiff? | ||
| He's real smart. | ||
| We'll bring him in after the break. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Taking a break for a station identification? | |
| Yeah, we gotta... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Time to pay some bills. | |
| We'll be back. | ||
| You watch these sponsors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The controversy over medical marijuana Did they get the sound? | |
| One issue in particular, should children take it too? | ||
| Share Calvin here with an incredible story about one family's fight for their son, Share. | ||
| That's right, Micah and Victoria, when you say that it sounds so shocking to so many, but California's Prop 215 The Compassionate Use Act was passed by voters a decade ago, and it does allow seriously ill patients with a doctor's recommendation to use marijuana legally. | ||
| But what about for children? | ||
| We did find this one family with a truly remarkable tale to tell us in this KTLA exclusive report. | ||
| Can you tell me what school's like to do, Sam? | ||
| Titanic! | ||
| Penguin! | ||
| This is Sam, a ten-year-old who lives with his dad, his mom, and his sister Lucy in Northern California. | ||
| Sam has autism. | ||
| From age two till eight, Sam's disorder made him violent and aggressive. | ||
| His parents, Steve and Angela, were truly living a nightmare every day. | ||
| He got to a point where he was hurting other children at school and in public places. | ||
| A lot of times we'd stay in line at a store and he would just instantly just bolt off and go and hit another child in the face. | ||
| One time he pulled the TV down. | ||
| He knocked over all the furniture. | ||
| I mean, and I got, and I had to put him in a hold for maybe an hour. | ||
| I mean, just, where his whole body was spasming. | ||
| It was just, you know, I would just lay there crying, just holding him. | ||
| Sam's parents worked with expert doctors who recommended a succession of conventional prescription medications like Risperdal and a host of others. | ||
| But Sam just gained 20 pounds and became harder to handle. | ||
| We were so scared. | ||
| We were like, okay, he's getting more dangerous. | ||
| He's getting bigger and stronger now that he's 20 pounds bigger from the Risperdal. | ||
| The child that we had grown to love was gone. | ||
| It was just like when you looked at him, when you talked to him, he had just disappeared. | ||
| Finally at their wit's end and faced with the very real prospect of needing to institutionalize their son, Sam's parents decided to try something unconventional and controversial. | ||
| Last year, they began treating Sam with medical marijuana. | ||
| When you think about it, it really is the perfect medication for that kind of behavior. | ||
| It's just very calming. | ||
| So this is the medicine right here. | ||
| Steve and Angela got a recommendation from a medical cannabis doctor. | ||
| They told Sam's pediatrician about their plan, and Steve grew Sam's new medicine in their backyard. | ||
| We had six plants here. | ||
| This is where Steve took out his tomato plants to grow and then harvest the cannabis. | ||
| From the marijuana flowers, he could make a concentrated form, what people refer to as hash. | ||
| This ball represents roughly four months Well, the first time we did it, we just wanted to see if it would work at all. | ||
| It was just an amazing experience. | ||
| I mean, I'll never forget it. | ||
| To watch what happened to him. | ||
| It was just like, wow, he's back. | ||
| This anguish and this pent-up rage and this, you know, obsessiveness. | ||
| It's just like it just went away. | ||
| It's like it just calmed him down. | ||
| While we were with the family, we watched Steve put Sam's daily dose in a piece of melon and take it to him. | ||
| Can we sell that for us? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's good. | ||
| Good job, buddy. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Within roughly 20 minutes, the effects were clear. | ||
| Where earlier Sam had been animated and antsy, after eating his speck of hash, Sam became calm, relaxed, and social. | ||
| As a mother, how would you feel about people saying to you that you're getting your son stoned every day? | ||
| At first, I was very concerned about that, but recently I've been sharing The story with more and more people, you know, friends and co-workers, and I find that, you know, the more I tell people, the more I share it with people, the more comfortable I am with it. | ||
| It has saved our lives, and I think about what it's done for our son. | ||
| Could Sam's story help others? | ||
| Respected L.A. area pediatrician Christopher Tolsher says we don't know enough about cannabis for kids. | ||
| For all the parents out there whose children may have autism, I think the message here is that this is intriguing information that needs more research before we can confidently say that marijuana is a safe and effective treatment for autism complications. | ||
| But for this California family, medical marijuana has literally been an answer to their prayers and a homecoming for their son. | ||
| It was just A medication that we saw that gave us the results that we were always hoping for. | ||
| And he was happy. | ||
| I mean, I think that really is a key is that he was happy again. | ||
| He was smiling and laughing. | ||
| And we had lost that for so long and it was so sad and we wondered if we'd ever see that again. | ||
| It just feels like I have more control now to help my son instead of depending on doctors who may have the best intentions, but they don't know what Sam needs. | ||
| I want to do what's best for my son. | ||
| And I'll do whatever I can for him. | ||
| Well, one important note, Sam's parents tell us that they have followed the letter of the law regarding his medication and that they've grown only the amount of marijuana that Prop 215 allows. | ||
| The medication is for Sam and for nobody else. | ||
| Now, Cher, does he take this medication every single day? | ||
| You know, they started off at 7 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| He would take it. | ||
| Then they would give him a second dose in the afternoon. | ||
| But after two years, he started this at 8. He's now 10. They sometimes don't have to give it to him and only give it to him as needed, which is incredible. | ||
| It really has changed his behavior, according to them. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| All right, Cher. | ||
| Terrific story. | ||
| Thank you for the reporting. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And for more on Sam's story, information on treating children with autism. | ||
| It looks like on the special reports section. | ||
| There you'll find Cher's report and link to the American Academy of Pediatrics. | ||
| I want to party with that kid! | ||
| So, I was listening to his love line last night when Dr. Drew was on and he was talking about marijuana and how he was just so, he just thinks that people that fight that, he's like, they're just dumb people. | ||
| Yeah, he's so silly about his take on marijuana. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That fight what? | |
| Well, they fight medical marijuana. | ||
| People that want medical marijuana, he thinks they're silly and they're ruining America and he thinks that all drugs are bad and that the one state of mind, the state of mind that you're currently in is the only one. | ||
| He shouldn't be drunk. | ||
| He shouldn't be high. | ||
| He shouldn't be drugged up. | ||
| He does not get it. | ||
| That is not true. | ||
| There are drugs that are terrible for you. | ||
| The ones you see on his show, the crystal meth, the fucking heroin and Oxycontins, those are all fucking horrible for you. | ||
| That's a guarantee, but... | ||
| That shit's all terrible. | ||
| Well, for some people it's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does he say about it? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You have to ask him. | ||
| But what he says about marijuana is ridiculous because he lumps marijuana in with like heroin and cocaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what my mom does. | |
| She calls it all drugs. | ||
| Yeah, it's what he does. | ||
| He thinks it's addictive, but there's so much proof that it's not addictive. | ||
| And it's like, my argument about it is like, anything can be addictive. | ||
| You can get addicted to cheeseburgers if you're a fucking retard. | ||
| You can be one of those dudes who gets addicted to washing his hands. | ||
| You know, people become compulsive about shit. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| People get addicted to things, man. | ||
| It's what we do. | ||
| It doesn't mean you shouldn't have the things. | ||
| If other people are telling you, they benefit from it. | ||
| That's what's fucking stupid about this whole marijuana thing. | ||
| There's no heroin activists. | ||
| There's no crystal meth activists. | ||
| It's like, you've got to get on crystal meth. | ||
| But people keep telling you that weed has enhanced their lives and helped the way they think and made them a better person, and that fuck doesn't want to believe. | ||
| That dude in that article on... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that, Commerce Magazine? | |
| Fortune? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fortune Magazine, yeah. | |
| The one dude was in the case, the first, like, six-people case study. | ||
| He said he's never gotten high off pop, but he smokes it constantly all day long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All it helps is with his, like, arthritis or whatever it is. | |
| Well, when you get super barbecued, if you keep going... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. |
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