All Episodes
Jan. 21, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:12:51
Joe Rogan Experience #5 - Ari Shaffir & John Heffron (Part 2)
Participants
Main voices
a
ari shaffir
12:11
j
joe rogan
33:34
j
john heffron
13:14
Appearances
b
brian redban
04:36
Clips
b
b-real
00:10
| Copy link to current segment

Speaker Time Text
joe rogan
And then he realized that his friends were telling...
brian redban
Ustream just stopped our recording for some reason.
unidentified
Alright.
ari shaffir
The man, probably.
joe rogan
The fucking man.
brian redban
Okay, now it's back on him.
joe rogan
The man, ladies and gentlemen.
Refresh your browsers, people.
The man, apparently, was just fucking our ass.
brian redban
That's crazy.
Like, it just went off air, and then everything came back on by itself.
unidentified
I don't know.
ari shaffir
Yeah, he took it with his friends because he wanted to be a downer because they were all taken.
joe rogan
Yeah, this is you telling the story.
ari shaffir
And he would smoke and he was like, fuck it.
But he didn't feel anything.
So he was like, alright.
But then he didn't want to be the one left out.
So he was like, fuck it, I'll smoke with you guys.
He would pass it and he was like, take some.
And then he realized, for the first time in years and years, he could actually sit there without his legs and arms cramping up.
joe rogan
What about Sean Rousey?
ari shaffir
Maybe it could help him.
unidentified
I don't know.
ari shaffir
There's no way that guy does not smoke pot.
joe rogan
No.
Doug doesn't.
Doug doesn't smoke weed.
You would think that Doug would smoke weed.
Stanhope does not like weed.
unidentified
Really?
Yeah.
joe rogan
I've done mushrooms with Stanhope.
unidentified
We did DMT. No, not weed, huh?
joe rogan
He'll go to other dimensions with you.
ari shaffir
Why does he do pot?
joe rogan
Pot makes him paranoid.
I understand that.
ari shaffir
That's negative side effects of everything for everybody.
joe rogan
Well, I think what the paranoia that pot gives you is really, it's almost like the opposite of alcohol.
Because alcohol makes you look through a tube.
Alcohol, you're like looking at the world through a, yeah, woo-hoo tube.
You're not seeing, but marijuana is the opposite.
Marijuana releases your blinders.
I see it in front of me, Brian.
ari shaffir
It went off and brought home for a second and it blipped.
joe rogan
Did it?
unidentified
Yeah.
brian redban
Just so you guys know, it's not me fucking it up.
Ustream's just fucking up right now.
ari shaffir
If you can't see Redman, he's actually sticking his cock into the computer trying to fuck it.
joe rogan
Listen, you can't blame Brian, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't be mean.
This is difficult to figure all this stupid shit out.
Ultimately, I would love to have this on my website, on JoeRogan.net, but right now I don't think the technology is available.
It's not quite ready.
But this is ideally the best way to do a show.
This is way more fun than doing some show that's on television that nobody gives a shit about.
We can do whatever the fuck we want.
You don't have to look at it.
I don't want anything from you.
No one's getting paid.
Just for fun.
you know I didn't have interesting people over and talk right I mean what times you done what's my brother I'm just they're all blaming me yeah right here you run another I rate Ryan on this in the Conan situation time to be done like a talk show and it's like you prepare for it's like a big deal and then you you know sit down and talk to someone for like seven And you're like, I didn't even say anything.
We didn't even get to talk about anything.
I mean, I had a few topics that kind of got out of the way a little bit, but barely said anything.
john heffron
And every one of those shows are set up for that reason, that it's just nothing.
You just leave there going, that was nothing.
I didn't say anything.
I didn't even...
joe rogan
And then everybody goes, that was a great appearance.
And you go, oh, thank you.
john heffron
I said two words.
It's like if you're on Chelsea Handler's show, those guys on there say like four or five words.
ari shaffir
That's it.
john heffron
And then you're done.
joe rogan
Yeah.
john heffron
And then they're done.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's real weird.
john heffron
And then people go, oh, you were great on the show.
joe rogan
But that's what they want.
They want a short attention span, bing bang, see this guy real quick.
But if you want to go for just a shot in the dark with people, that's what you should give them.
You should give them the shortest, quickest little things as fast as you can so they don't lose interest.
Yeah.
At the end of the day, do you want the people that lose interest that easy to pay attention to you?
john heffron
You don't.
joe rogan
You have to get them because you're doing a numbers game.
ari shaffir
But then again, how many times have you seen a YouTube clip and you start to open it up and you see nine and a half minutes and you're like, fuck it, I don't even want to start.
We're all those people.
joe rogan
Yeah, but a YouTube clip is totally different than something like this.
This is cool because you can throw this on at work and you're doing some boring fucking thing at work You can throw this on and watch it while you do it and just enjoy a bunch of people hanging around talking.
I like doing that.
I like watching fucking Soulja Boy.
You know who Soulja Boy is?
I like watching him.
ari shaffir
You know why I like watching him?
joe rogan
Because he's having a good time.
ari shaffir
I like watching that girl on the train.
Did you see that video?
The girl on the train harshly singing Soulja Boy at some old lady.
john heffron
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
ari shaffir
All black people.
That has nothing to do with the story, but they all happen to be black.
Yeah.
Did you see that?
That was the greatest video.
And then somebody put the subtitles to understand what she was saying.
So crazy.
joe rogan
I like watching that kid.
You know why?
Because he's like 19 years old.
He's worth some fucking insane amount of money.
He's got diamonds all over his body.
He's tattooed himself.
Tattooed his fucking face.
Tattooed his neck, his arms, his chest, everything.
In every video that I watch, he's talking shit, dancing, and freestyle rapping, talking about haters, talking about all the girls he's fucking, talking about how much money he has, and how pretty he is.
I enjoy the fuck out of it.
I really do.
unidentified
To me, it's entertaining as shit, man.
john heffron
Type of program that would follow your brain so you can look at everything you searched in one evening.
joe rogan
Oh, that's next, dude.
That's going to be the next Twitter.
The next Twitter is you're going to be able to show people what you're thinking and watching.
john heffron
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Well, you could search.
john heffron
Well, I somehow went from I started looking up Riding Dirty, the song, all cut to Star Trek Rathacom.
So it was all clips.
So Colin was riding dirty.
And I don't know how my brain even...
How did I even get there?
ari shaffir
I love to see it.
unidentified
You're right.
ari shaffir
I love to see it.
john heffron
Oh, I'm going to watch his clips of something...
Conan said something funny in Leno.
And then you clip that and the next thing you know I'm on Soldier Boy on...
And you had a wonderful time though.
joe rogan
I go on YouTube rides and I go on porn rides too.
Where, you know, you're going to start out normal, and next thing you know, it's big dicks and Asians blowjobs.
You get real specific.
john heffron
Yeah, yeah, and then you're typing stuff.
That's what, it's wrecked my porn.
joe rogan
Go back to your first video, you watch that night, it's just a girl with big tits blowing somebody.
That's kind of hot.
unidentified
And then how did I get to girls that work at Kinko's that...
joe rogan
Horrifying ass-fucking.
That's really kind of one of the craziest things about porn on the internet.
You can just, anybody from their computer directly goes to it.
There's no stopping it.
You can go right to a dick going in an asshole.
You don't have to pay.
You don't have to subscribe.
ari shaffir
I think that's what desensitize people to it so much in the last few years.
joe rogan
Well, they say girls are taken in the ass all the time now.
john heffron
Well, I saw on one of the porn sites, they had like a comments section underneath the thing.
So, where people are complaining about, oh, that girl looks beat on that girl, and maybe because I'm older, like, whatever happened just being excited, you're seeing porn.
Now we're so desensitized, I'm going to judge that chick.
Nah, she's not.
unidentified
Wait a minute.
joe rogan
Everybody always judges chicks.
These are professional hot chicks.
ari shaffir
I know, but the old days, you were just happy to see porn.
john heffron
Oh my god, they're having sex!
ari shaffir
We can see it!
john heffron
Now I'm going to judge that.
joe rogan
Even back in the 80s, I had my favorites.
Yeah, yeah.
john heffron
Misty Reigns.
brian redban
I can't do professional porn anymore.
I have to have it amateur.
I have to have it on a cell phone.
I have to have it fake.
If I see a flashbulb go off in the room, I'm like, fuck this.
unidentified
I need to know if this is the-- So it simulates you.
john heffron
Take me out of it.
joe rogan
Yeah, it does.
You're feeling like this is really two people that like each other.
brian redban
Or just are having real sex.
The chick's just looking at her watch.
unidentified
There's a porn site for people who like each other.
joe rogan
Her pussy's just numb.
Her pussy's just beat the fuck up.
brian redban
I don't want to...
john heffron
There's a whole genre of porn that's...
joe rogan
Couple porn.
john heffron
People like each other and it's not all, oh yeah, yeah, you like that.
It's a little bit...
unidentified
Girls are hot.
brian redban
I want girls to be fucked.
I just want to know that they're getting fucked.
ari shaffir
Are you a voyeur, Brian?
unidentified
What?
Generally?
ari shaffir
Are you like a voyeur?
brian redban
No, not really.
I just want to know, like, it's real.
ari shaffir
Yeah, it's going on.
brian redban
She's fucking...
joe rogan
It's amazing how many girls are getting spit on and slapped in the face.
There's a lot of that, man.
john heffron
I love it.
You like that?
unidentified
I like doing it.
ari shaffir
I don't like watching it.
john heffron
Yeah, I don't like that.
unidentified
I didn't expect to love it, but I fucking loved it.
joe rogan
Tell the story, please.
ari shaffir
She was like, hit me.
I was like, come on, hit me.
And I was like, alright.
And by the end, I was fucking, boom, with a follow through on the backhand.
Like, hard.
And she was into it.
It was so fucking awesome.
joe rogan
How bad did you hurt her face?
brian redban
Fuck that.
ari shaffir
She took it.
I don't know.
joe rogan
She didn't bleed.
ari shaffir
Didn't open her up.
john heffron
Oh my god.
ari shaffir
That's what I would think too.
john heffron
That the girl would then go, oh, thanks.
Yeah, this guy just knocked me around.
joe rogan
You've got to think of a chick so crazy she wants you to beat her up.
ari shaffir
She can easily go to the police.
john heffron
Yeah, and then what are you going to say?
She wanted...
ari shaffir
I'm like, also you should look at her ass because that is fucking red.
joe rogan
Rape is a horrible, terrible thing.
But so is pretending you've been raped.
I mean, how many people have heard stories about a girl gets mad at a guy and just decides to tell people that he raped her?
john heffron
I had a friend who worked.
He played for the Detroit Lions when I was in Detroit and that happened to him.
It was with two girls back at his place.
Super nice guy.
The one girl jokingly said, you know what we could do is we could say that you raped us, but how much money would we get?
And they were like, she said it as a joke.
So immediately he said, let's go.
Knocked on his neighbor's door and said, hey, whatever.
Meet my two friends.
So he'd have one other person to see their condition when they left.
So they couldn't then make up this story.
Then I had another kind of famous friend.
He would, every time he'd hook up with a girl in a room...
He was, like, way famous.
He'd go to the front desk girl, he'd walk out that girl.
Whoever was there, he would stop, so that girl would talk to that person, so there was one other person that, see, she didn't run out all disheveled, like, what just happened to me?
Just as a backup.
ari shaffir
Because you honestly just want to go to bed and be like, see you later.
john heffron
Yeah, but you don't know that girl, so you always have to...
joe rogan
Well, I think, you know, to a lot of people, people that are, like, famous, like some famous rock star or something like that, that person is, like, they're so unfair.
Their situation.
It's so unfair how much more they have.
How much more money.
How much better their life is.
It's so unfair that people feel like you owe them something.
Like you got an unfair amount.
So they're trying to take from you.
There's a lot of people who don't even feel bad about fake lawsuits.
They don't even feel bad.
They feel like they're going to get that money.
unidentified
They're like, oh, the rich.
john heffron
Have the rich, man.
Fuck the rich.
joe rogan
How'd you make that money?
If someone got fucked over.
unidentified
Yeah.
brian redban
Paparazzi's are the worst at that, man.
"Oh, he just run over my foot." Did you see that thing the other day?
And they like, played back the video and he didn't even get hit by the car.
john heffron
And he was just trying to hit. - Hey, couldn't the paparazzi rant?
I always think of like have some kind of thing where you hit one button and you zap all the electronic computers that are around you.
unidentified
Yeah.
brian redban
They have this spray.
john heffron
You know what?
joe rogan
The paparazzi is the same thing.
They're just a bunch of people that are making a living doing something negative and they don't need to do that.
ari shaffir
They can do something else.
But it's also sort of negative because a lot of times they call those people and say, I'll be at the Ivy, come meet me out front.
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
And go after them.
There's a lot of people that like it.
But when you're like chasing someone and someone's all upset with you, like they got their kids or something.
Like Dr. Drew.
By the way, we were talking about Dr. Drew.
I think his stance on Pod is retarded, but he's a really nice guy.
I've done his show, the Loveline show, and I've met him a bunch of times.
He's a really cool guy.
And he told me that he was in Hawaii, and the fucking paparazzi were taking pictures of his kids.
Him and his kids.
ari shaffir
Just in case it was worth something.
joe rogan
Well, it was worth something.
They make money, man.
unidentified
If you get a juicy picture, you can make some mad moves.
joe rogan
How about that picture of John Travolta kissing that dude?
Somebody got paid for that.
ari shaffir
How bad was he kissing?
unidentified
I saw one of the lips.
ari shaffir
When you freeze frame a kiss, it'll never look like a casual pet.
joe rogan
It's awesome.
I love how John Travolta rocks a fabulous wig.
In some pictures he's balding, in other pictures he's got the best head of hair ever.
It's awesome.
john heffron
The TMZ, I saw one of the guys who works on TMZ, one of the guys, said, we saw so-and-so at the airport, and I wanted to go up to him so bad with a camera and just stick it in his face and ask some dumb questions.
ari shaffir
I probably could have sold that back to TMZ. That's one of the things I wanted to do as a sketch.
john heffron
Just do it.
ari shaffir
Just go fucking...
john heffron
Or can the guy that does TMZ, can he handle that 15-minute show without taking a drink of water?
Because he has like his sippy cup that he just...
ari shaffir
There's no way that's water.
joe rogan
That's so dumb.
john heffron
It's evil because those guys are making fun of people that are on TV yet every one of them wants to be so famous and is enjoying all the fame they're getting from being on the show.
joe rogan
But that's legitimate too because some people like the way they're bitchy.
They wish they could be that bitchy, and they like watching them.
It's like a form of entertainment.
ari shaffir
It's a lot of what the Chelsea Handler show is too, where they're like, let's shit on people we wish we could work with.
joe rogan
Yes.
Yeah, exactly.
But you know what?
There's a place for that too.
It's the same thing as rich people that get upset at poor people.
It's like, people who are not famous, they're like, fuck him, pick out, go after Tiger Woods, go find him.
He's got a billion dollars, fuck him.
Some woman actually said this on the Jimmy Kimball show.
She was running a website where people could find people's houses.
No, no, no.
You would say where the celebrity is at any given moment.
unidentified
Oh, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
And Jimmy Kimmel was like, don't you understand that there's stalkers and this could be dangerous?
And she goes, well, I'm sure that they sleep well on all their money.
Like, on a bed full of money.
And it's like, really?
Like, that's how you look at it?
Like, you're willing to put people...
Yeah.
Put people, like, especially young girls...
Like, you know how some dudes get fucking really nutty about young girls?
Like, they get crazy.
Like, that one girl that got shot...
It was like, when I first came to Hollywood...
Some girl got shot.
It was on a TV show.
unidentified
She was really pretty.
joe rogan
She was a 22 year old star.
She became famous when she was young.
Some dude just got obsessed with her, found out where she lived.
She opened the door and shot her in the chest.
john heffron
People don't understand how scary stalkers are.
When I used to do radio in Detroit, this girl was in 15, 16 page letters, not one piece of white left on the paper.
So it was written sideways anyway about...
I had fun going out with you, looking for houses, shit that never happened, you know?
I heard about your secret messages, da-da-da, and then she went away, and then she came back, and every time I'd be in Detroit, she would leave these letters, when your wife's gone, and it's just us, you know, crazy stuff, so I went to go get a restraining order against her, because she was showing up at my shows, and would find out where I would be, and the judge wouldn't- Did you fuck her?
No, no, no.
Good gosh, no.
But it was...
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
ari shaffir
I think Greg was like, oh, well, yeah.
john heffron
Yeah, yeah, totally.
joe rogan
I just wanted to know.
unidentified
No, no.
joe rogan
I'm just trying to figure out how far back was this.
john heffron
Yeah, yeah, no.
joe rogan
How many years ago was this?
john heffron
It was...
It's been about 10, 15 years.
joe rogan
And the judge would not give up?
john heffron
He wanted to hear her side of the story.
Now, I had a stack of papers this big of her saying...
She came to the radio station I worked at with some of my stuff.
She goes, John left us.
It was an empty can of tuna fish.
ari shaffir
Whoa!
john heffron
Junk mail and baby shoes.
unidentified
Whoa!
joe rogan
So she got to your house?
john heffron
No, this was from her place, I guess.
And then I had stacks of letters saying, I hear the secret messages that you're giving me.
I will respond to them.
When you say this, it means this.
But when you go to file a restraining order, the judge, you get less than a paragraph to write why.
You don't get to hand in any of the psycho stuff.
And then he saw that, and then the guy who did it for me goes, he's a dude.
He probably thinks you're a pussy that you can't handle.
No, because I'm a guy and I have this girl stalker.
ari shaffir
The judge thinks that.
john heffron
Yeah, it's like, you're a pussy.
You're a guy.
Handle the girl.
Don't bring us involved.
It was his attitude.
So I couldn't find it.
joe rogan
That was the judge's attitude?
john heffron
That's what the guy at the court said.
ari shaffir
That was that long ago?
That was before that chick got murdered.
john heffron
No, this, I tried doing this a couple years ago.
But it doesn't, a year ago, but it doesn't apply to California.
So I go through all this work, get it done in Michigan...
They come out to California.
Doesn't mean anything.
You gotta re-file one in California.
She flies to Texas to see you.
Doesn't matter.
Now you have to file one in Texas.
Really?
So I couldn't imagine...
joe rogan
Let's not put this information on the internet.
john heffron
Yeah, yeah.
brian redban
Hey, you know Brittany Murphy, the actress, just died?
joe rogan
Yeah.
brian redban
I've been doing a tour of all the talk shows and I got to catch it today on the Today Show.
It's how fucked up, your daughter just died and they're just sitting there for no reason, not promoting anything.
We're not trying to do anything, but I've seen them on four different talk shows in the last week.
ari shaffir
It's weird, but they do it for money and they do it just to like the people's attention or whatever or say something about their daughter.
brian redban
The worst is like, coming up we have Brittany Murphy's mom and Brittany Murphy's mom just sitting there and she knows the camera's on and she goes, And it was...
unidentified
She's not crying randomly.
brian redban
No, no, no.
You find it on Hulu or whatever, and it is disturbing to watch.
It was so gross, and the husband was so...
joe rogan
What was the accusation?
You still don't know?
Isn't there a current...
unidentified
The worst thing was drugs, but then they said diabetes or something like that was also involved.
ari shaffir
I don't think it was a weird situation at all.
john heffron
Really?
joe rogan
Everybody's talking about heroin and all that jazz and so bullshit.
brian redban
They still don't know yet, but that's kind of weird that they still don't know.
joe rogan
But isn't it kind of weird that the husband did want an autopsy?
unidentified
Yes.
brian redban
I think that's very fucking weird.
joe rogan
Man, if a 30-year-old person dies, you want to know what the fuck happened.
ari shaffir
They're not Jewish, are they?
brian redban
He doesn't look Jewish.
joe rogan
Why?
ari shaffir
It's against religion.
joe rogan
It's against religion?
brian redban
Yeah, but you also eat bacon.
joe rogan
Damn, but what happens if you murder a Jew, though?
That's fucking crazy.
That makes it easy to murder you guys.
ari shaffir
No, no, no.
You're misunderstanding.
You actually haven't thought this out.
unidentified
We're not.
ari shaffir
They all have stuff on our bodies.
We can get them on your bodies.
john heffron
Yeah, but you, you're dead.
But if I just poisoned you, you're dead.
joe rogan
The cops can't give you an autopsy.
john heffron
We just poisoned that, but now they're not going to know.
And you've been drinking it!
joe rogan
Suicide.
Weird naked choked himself to death.
That's the story.
I'm sticking to it.
ari shaffir
Yeah, no autopsies.
I think there are certain situations where they say if They're afraid it might be like a congenitive, is that a word?
Heart disease?
Where like the kids should know if they should get treated for it.
joe rogan
Congenital, I think.
ari shaffir
Congenital, right?
Then they'll allow it.
joe rogan
Congenital or congenitive?
ari shaffir
I don't know.
brian redban
But they still allow it.
ari shaffir
They still allow it for that, but not just randomly to figure out what the cause of death is.
They're like, he's dead.
brian redban
Yeah, but any time a young actress dies and there's medication around and there's a lot of money involved, they will automatically do it, no matter what.
ari shaffir
Whenever somebody says don't, yeah, or won't answer your questions.
brian redban
If I die, they'll be like, eh, don't waste the money.
joe rogan
People are like, come on, this is depressing.
Change the topic.
brian redban
Hey, do you guys like cats?
joe rogan
What do you think about Oprah?
She's so generous.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
No, paparazzi don't give a shit about me.
Somebody asked me if the paparazzi chased me.
They would make zero dollars off my pictures.
There's no benefit in taking pictures of me.
You have to stay just under that level of fame.
You have to stay in the level of fame where nobody gives a fuck.
So you can still work and you don't have to worry about your bills and you can go out to dinner.
But you don't want to...
Don't get crazy.
unidentified
The best...
ari shaffir
I was with Renazisi at the Vince Vaughn Wild West Comedy Tour, like, premiere.
And then there's a party, like, across the street at some hip club, whatever, in Hollywood.
And, uh...
So we leave, and all the popular out there waiting for Vince Vaughn and Justin Long and stuff.
And Renazisi's like, Beat it, you degenerates!
You're a fucking piece of shit!
You know, he's, like, giving it to them.
And they were like...
Hey, the guy from Punks.
He goes, oh, hey!
unidentified
Yeah, that's me, everybody.
How are you?
Oh, no.
joe rogan
He's cracked.
brian redban
That's funny.
joe rogan
That's hilarious.
Yeah, you know, you can't go to places like...
You know who's the best at staying out of that shit?
In controversial life, if you consider him, Mark Wahlberg.
That guy's never in the tabloids.
He's a giant movie star.
He stars in gigantic blockbuster movies, and yet he's never in the tabloids.
That's amazing.
ari shaffir
You know who else, and he never even does interviews, is Nicholson.
joe rogan
Yeah.
ari shaffir
He's just away from everything.
joe rogan
Well, they would always catch him doing something creepy.
john heffron
On his shirt off at some beach or something.
joe rogan
Yeah, looking like he's bloated and fucking weird.
He's still in his 70s rocking it with 20-year-old chicks.
ari shaffir
That's awesome.
joe rogan
It's really crazy.
Nicholson, they did some interview with him real recently where he was talking about the different dates he goes on.
One night he'll go out with a woman that's in her 60s and the next night it's a girl who's in her 20s.
Yeah.
You know?
I mean, just, you know, he was talking about it sexually.
He was talking about friends, you know, his acquaintances, that he has a very varied life.
But, you know, you've got to appreciate that.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Dude's getting 20-year-olds and he's fucking 70. That's how badass he is.
That's pretty crazy, right?
He's defying nature with his fame and with his ability to pretend.
ari shaffir
It overcomes the natural order of things.
joe rogan
His ability to pretend and his money have defied nature.
ari shaffir
He should be done in a natural world.
He's done with sex.
Maybe he's a companion his age.
joe rogan
Especially if there was no Viagra.
If there was no Viagra, that would take a lot of dudes out of the game.
Take a lot of dudes out of the game.
A lot of old rich dudes.
They're like, what's the fucking point?
unidentified
You know?
joe rogan
But right now, they can...
You know, Brian Holtzman had to joke about that.
He goes, no, I like that.
unidentified
Because now, these young whores have to fuck these old men.
joe rogan
And he goes, and that sperm is like paint that's been in their basement for like a year.
You know that paint?
It's not a fresh product, ladies and gentlemen.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
He's hilarious.
unidentified
It's not quite the color you picked out in your body.
Yeah, that's it.
He's one of those dudes.
joe rogan
There's a few dudes that over the course of doing stand-up comedy that I've always gone, how the fuck would that guy not make it?
He's one of them, right?
He's so good.
So funny.
Brian Holtzman.
If you're ever at the Comedy Store in LA, that's where Brian works out.
If you call the Comedy Store, call the Comedy Store and ask when Brian Holtzman is going to be up.
Especially if something goes down in the news.
I guarantee you he's got some fucked up five minutes on Haiti right now.
If you don't want to laugh at him, you're like, oh no!
But you'll laugh at it anyway.
ari shaffir
I had always heard about how he did this thing on OJ. It was like...
unidentified
Amazing.
ari shaffir
He only did it one time.
He tried to do it again and it wasn't quite as good.
Just an awesome set about that.
And then 9-11 happened and Mitzi wouldn't put him on because we were closed.
I guess it happened Tuesday.
We were closed Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
And then we opened up Friday, Saturday.
john heffron
And she knew that he would get up and talk about it.
ari shaffir
So she made the talent coordinator call him and say, listen, we can't put you on.
unidentified
I'm sorry, but she doesn't know what you want.
joe rogan
He's one of those guys that would take the opinion most fucked up by default.
He would automatically go after the victims.
What did you do wrong?
john heffron
Why were you in that building?
ari shaffir
What were you doing?
joe rogan
Who were you fucking in the ass in that building?
His take on it would be so fucked up.
ari shaffir
He went on Sunday, though, because it was open night, and he did about 50 to 55 minutes, and it was maybe one of the best sets I've ever seen.
Stan Hope was there watching, and Stan Hope said, I disagree with 95% of this, but it's so fucking goddamn good.
joe rogan
Because he's so crazy.
ari shaffir
His stance was, fuck the cops.
He goes, well, they're not heroes now.
unidentified
Why?
ari shaffir
Because they did their job one time.
He goes, if I was one of the people jumping out of the building, I'd wait until a fucking cop was below me.
So I could take him out too.
unidentified
This is on 9-15, you know, when everyone's like, what are the crowds doing when you see this guy?
ari shaffir
I don't remember.
john heffron
Oh, I can beat that.
joe rogan
You remember when that chick drowned her kids?
ari shaffir
Yeah?
john heffron
Yeah.
joe rogan
Holtzman goes on stage like three days after this children's kids.
He goes, ladies and gentlemen, I heard those were bad kids.
I heard they never put their blocks away.
They sat that close to the TV. They're always spilling their fucking milk.
Those kids will not be missed.
And I went, oh my god.
ari shaffir
I heard there were bad kids.
joe rogan
That's one of the most brutal and funny jokes.
john heffron
It's weird how you fall into whatever style of comedy.
I would never even think about it.
ari shaffir
To go that way.
joe rogan
Well, his whole thinking on things.
But meanwhile, he's really friendly.
If you talk to him off stage, he's not a dark guy at all.
He's very nice.
ari shaffir
He used to always go get me a coke when I was working in the cover booth like I did.
I was like, thanks man.
And he would go back, get it and bring it back.
joe rogan
I miss that dude.
ari shaffir
He's at the factory sometimes too.
joe rogan
Is he?
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
I gotta see him sometime.
I gotta find out when he's playing and go performing.
He was always so cool.
So nice.
ari shaffir
He's at the factory sometimes.
joe rogan
He was always such a nice guy.
There was one time when I got banned.
Where Pauly banned me.
For like a weekend.
And Holtzman was so nice about it.
ari shaffir
What did he say about it?
joe rogan
Paulie banned me for a weekend because I got mad at him.
ari shaffir
Because you got mad at him?
joe rogan
Yeah.
Him and Dean tried to corner me about something.
And I told him he was a fucking idiot.
And that he doesn't appreciate the comedians.
That I'm not working for him.
It's right after the Minding the Store came out.
It was like he all of a sudden was running the Comedy Store.
It was all of a sudden, you know, it wasn't like just a TV show anymore.
Now, because the comedy store, we've always done for free.
You know, I always, not only did I work there for free, but I donated all the, when they were giving me checks, they gave me like thousands of dollars worth of checks and I never cashed them.
Because I always knew they were hurting for cash.
So, when it came time to do their taxes, I had to donate all that money back to them.
And I paid for the sound system.
I mean, I treated that place like it was our place.
You know, it was a place for comics to work out.
ari shaffir
The mics were cutting out, and that sound was like crackly, and Rogan bought.
It was like, fuck it.
We've got to fix this.
joe rogan
I got top-of-the-line shit.
I went and got the top-of-the-line CD recorder so dudes could make CDs, and I put it all in there out of my own money, just for love of the club.
b-real
And then all of a sudden, Paulie's running it, and I'm like, man, I ain't working for free for you.
joe rogan
You know, I'll do it all for your mom, but for you?
No.
ari shaffir
Huge battle now by who gets the store.
joe rogan
I think he won.
I think Paulie won.
I think his brother gave up.
That's what I heard.
unidentified
Oh, his brother.
john heffron
Out of all the years I've lived here, I think I've been in there one time.
ari shaffir
Really?
joe rogan
Oh, that's so great.
john heffron
I've been in that bar area just hanging.
I went with...
Some comic, but I don't think I've ever been on stage there.
ari shaffir
Kyle Cesar walked by yesterday and he was like, I think I've been here four times in two years.
john heffron
I've never.
joe rogan
It's so crazy not to go there.
john heffron
My whole career has never really been performing in Los Angeles.
ari shaffir
That's what he was like.
joe rogan
Yeah, but you've done sets in improv.
I've seen you at the improv.
john heffron
Yeah, the improv, and then I think I'm banned from the Laugh Factory.
joe rogan
What'd you do?
john heffron
We were talking about guns, and the dude owns it.
He's a real pacifist.
joe rogan
Jamie banned you for talking about guns?
john heffron
Yeah, I was on for the next week, and then I got called and said no.
ari shaffir
You got called?
They didn't just not give you a spot?
john heffron
No, I called whoever, like, so tomorrow we're so good?
Yeah, no, I got asked, and then...
joe rogan
Because you talk about guns.
john heffron
Not on stage.
unidentified
It was an off-stage conversation, and I said I'm going shooting, and then he was like...
john heffron
What, you have guns?
That means you want to kill people.
I'm like, no, I enjoy...
joe rogan
Bobby, you have guns?
john heffron
Yeah, I enjoy shooting them, but if they came in my house, then I'd kill them.
ari shaffir
Listen, Jamie, quit worrying about what comics have in their house and worry more about introducing little kids to Michael Jackson.
unidentified
It's like, that's a way bigger problem than what I'm talking about.
john heffron
Having a locked gun in his house.
joe rogan
He's not joking around.
He's not joking around.
Jamie was introducing these children that are on the Make-A-Wish Foundation, right?
Was it Make-A-Wish or something like that?
john heffron
Yes, something like that.
joe rogan
Kids are sick.
He was introducing them to Michael Jackson.
ari shaffir
You say introducing, I say pimping.
unidentified
What's the difference?
Buddy.
joe rogan
He's not pimping.
He's a genius, buddy.
He does not want to fuck the ass.
I don't think Michael Jackson fucked those kids.
Because I think, where are all the bodies?
There would be not just one kid he fucked.
He'd be fucking hundreds of kids.
ari shaffir
I think he probably fucked eight to ten.
joe rogan
I don't think he did.
I think it's much more likely...
We talked about this before, right?
Yeah.
I think it's much more likely that he's just completely fucked up and was molested when he was a kid and abused and he grew up in the public eye and he grew up as a baby and like being famous.
He wanted to go back to...
unidentified
Huge drug user.
ari shaffir
I believe in the power of huge rumors.
joe rogan
What about the trouble in the ass?
Do you believe that one?
ari shaffir
I'm going to just because of that theory.
john heffron
What about Mikey from LifeSerie because he saw him without his makeup?
ari shaffir
Not little rumors.
joe rogan
That's stupid.
That's some retard that lives down the block from you and made that one up.
unidentified
That rumor didn't even leave your fucking name up.
joe rogan
But the Richard Gere Gerber rumor, that rumor traveled the whole country.
That's a crazy rumor.
ari shaffir
Kurt Metzger told me he asked...
Whatever kind of doctor that is.
He goes, there's never been any recorded documentation of any animal up someone's butt.
john heffron
Oh, that's actually bullshit.
joe rogan
You can go to the internet and see eels coming out of girls' assholes.
brian redban
That shit happens every day.
john heffron
That's what he said.
joe rogan
That guy's an idiot.
That guy's either an idiot or an idiot.
He's going through Net Nanny.
You're missing the good sights, son.
john heffron
You ain't never seen the eels come out of those buttholes?
ari shaffir
That was really weird.
I just kept coming out.
I kept thinking it was the same one.
joe rogan
Octopuses up their assholes.
Yeah, man.
There's some shit going into people's bodies.
If you can think of it, did you see the video of the dude who has been shooting silicone into his dick for six years?
john heffron
Did you see that?
ari shaffir
No, but how delicious does his dick look?
joe rogan
His dick looks like a...
Some dude on Twitter, I don't remember your name, I apologize, but some dude on Twitter said it looked like a shaved dead rabbit.
unidentified
Ha!
joe rogan
And it does!
You gotta see it.
I'll throw the link up for you guys and we're gonna watch it right now but I'll throw the link up so that you guys can see it too.
brian redban
On Tosh 2.0, it's a show on E where they talk about internet videos.
They played it and they couldn't show that video.
So they just showed the audience's reaction.
So they're all just sitting there and suddenly all of them just bawl faces.
joe rogan
That's funny.
I can't find it.
It must have been from a couple days ago.
I tweet too much.
brian redban
We're on two hours right now, Joe.
Just email.
joe rogan
So what, man?
We're having a party here.
We're not really on two hours.
We didn't start on time.
It's only four o'clock right now, Brian.
brian redban
Oh, four o'clock.
joe rogan
You fucking faker.
You're saying it like you counted the time.
We're on two hours, fifteen minutes.
unidentified
What now?
brian redban
I just looked at four or five and was like, eh, it's about two hours.
joe rogan
You took a wild shot of the dark sun.
brian redban
Sorry, I wasn't completely accurate with the minutes.
joe rogan
SHUT UP! Okay, I'm trying to find this dead rabbit.
ari shaffir
How's Tonka, Brian?
brian redban
I renamed him.
It's Techie now.
unidentified
Techie?
You renamed him?
I was talking one day and then I... Yeah, I agree with Ari.
brian redban
Names lean things.
ari shaffir
In mysticism, they always say, I don't believe in it, but that's what they always say.
You don't fuck with someone's name.
unidentified
It was one day he was named Tonka.
joe rogan
You don't want to change the name of your cat.
brian redban
The cat has already destroyed a keyboard.
A Logitech keyboard.
He hates anything technology.
unidentified
If he knows this thing, I hate technology.
brian redban
He went up to my keyboard.
I started using my keyboard.
He ran in.
What's that noise?
He jumps up and just starts taking his claws and ripping keys off.
unidentified
Really?
brian redban
I'm like, ah!
If I use my camera, if I turn on the camera, he sees the camera from across the room, charges me, and tries to grab the camera.
I have videos of him doing this.
ari shaffir
Are you considering giving it back to the adoption agency?
brian redban
He's a kitten.
That's what they do.
But it's just...
john heffron
Well, to reincarnation, maybe that person was just like...
ari shaffir
Killed by technology.
john heffron
Yeah, technology killed him, so he's like...
unidentified
This is a plot of Ghost Dad 2. Maybe this cat is made out of technology.
Bored.
ari shaffir
Nice normal guy haircut today, Brian, by the way.
unidentified
What?
ari shaffir
This is the most normal dude I've ever seen your hair.
brian redban
Out of the show.
joe rogan
Alright, here's the...
I just put it up online.
I just put it up online so you guys...
I Twittered it.
The address of the dude who is injecting silicone into his dick for six years.
And we're going to watch it right now because it is that fucked up.
It is something that you need.
I just clicked on it right now so it's loading up right now.
Check this shit out.
What's that music?
unidentified
What's the music?
Plus, part of the city.
ari shaffir
iTunes?
john heffron
Damn, that's some gay-ass music.
ari shaffir
iTunes, John.
We're at the back of the website.
unidentified
We're getting feedback on the noise, too.
joe rogan
What the fuck could that be?
ari shaffir
YouTube, right there.
joe rogan
Facebook?
unidentified
YouTube, right there.
ari shaffir
It's the worst when you have 27 tabs open up and you're like, that's so fucking annoying!
What is that?
You have to find it.
joe rogan
Oh, I'm gonna have one of these things.
Dusty has balls.
Okay, let's see it here.
unidentified
Here we go.
ari shaffir
Wait, turn off.
unidentified
Oh, look at that.
This is the underwear I'm wearing.
I've got a little intention.
So that's all that.
john heffron
Seriously, why would you want...
joe rogan
Look at this.
Why would you want to back it up?
Hold on.
unidentified
Oh my god, no.
Would you like to name it though?
It's cocky about it.
joe rogan
Oh, it's real cocky.
It's funny.
unidentified
Look at this.
john heffron
I can't watch.
unidentified
Look at that.
Oh my god.
joe rogan
He's been injecting silicone into his dick for six years.
ari shaffir
Can it get hard?
unidentified
No.
ari shaffir
Is that all head on top?
Yep.
unidentified
Is that all head?
joe rogan
Look at it.
unidentified
So that's all that is.
Would you like to hold it?
Look at him.
ari shaffir
He's weird.
That's a weird laugh.
john heffron
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
How weird could he be?
unidentified
He's injecting silicone into his fucking dick for six years.
joe rogan
I mean, look at that.
That's insane.
unidentified
I can't watch.
brian redban
We can have a conversation.
joe rogan
You hear what this is saying?
unidentified
Six years, he's unable to have sex.
Sometimes I see a really young guy and I think, I'd like to fuck his ass.
I was good.
brian redban
Oh, he's great.
joe rogan
But listen, listen.
unidentified
The pleasure and the adventure and the experience that I've gotten from this is way, way, way better than the, whatever, 15 minutes of pleasure that I would get.
ari shaffir
What has he gotten experience?
joe rogan
Just people seeing his balls and his dick.
unidentified
I could no longer stand up to pee because it would just kind of go everywhere.
It was difficult to control.
And so I started learning about, okay, I have to sit down.
But you know what?
I'll tell you about some other adjustments in a second.
All of these adjustments though, they just add to the excitement for me because it's just another reminder and it's part of the odyssey of all of this.
I was sitting down to pee for a long time.
Well, then the size got to be that when I would sit down, I'd get wet.
It would get dunked into the water in a lot of toilets, including my own here.
And so I would sort of squat over the ball, you know?
I think that just the fact that people look at me and either wonder, what's going on?
What is that?
The basic questions that people ask, can you still have an orgasm?
Things like that.
I'm getting people to think, and I'm challenging their ideas of what a penis should look like.
ari shaffir
Yeah, that's what we do.
unidentified
But Jers is the only penis that does that.
I am challenging.
brian redban
He's giving him a challenge already.
john heffron
You're challenging your brain, man, so you're not thinking.
joe rogan
You threw down the gauntlet, bitch.
unidentified
This is the crazy thing when he pulls it out.
I mean, this guy's so happy to be pulling out his dick.
joe rogan
Look at this.
ari shaffir
It's not even pornographic.
Doesn't even really look like a penis in any way.
unidentified
It really looks like a basketball.
He's challenging your perceptions, Ari.
joe rogan
What the fuck, huh?
brian redban
Let's go fight the horse.
I'm getting tired.
joe rogan
How nutty is that dude?
john heffron
There's other ways you can challenge people to think.
Yeah, maybe, you know...
joe rogan
What is that?
When dudes, like, tattoo their dicks and put barbells through them?
What's going on there?
john heffron
They just...
ari shaffir
I think presentation.
john heffron
Presentation.
unidentified
Presentation!
joe rogan
I hear a silver platter with a cock with a spur.
ari shaffir
But it still works, and there's plenty of girls that are into that.
joe rogan
Is there?
Ladies, let's take a little Twitter poll.
How many girls are really into dudes with, like...
Tattoos and barbells on their dicks.
ari shaffir
Same shit with girls.
Put that barbell in their vaginas.
brian redban
Do you like that?
And if you say yes, how smelly is your pussy?
joe rogan
It makes me sad.
The barbell in the pussy makes me sad.
ari shaffir
I don't really like it, but I'm not bad against it.
joe rogan
Is there a single girl that ever has gotten a barbell in the pussy that's not a slut?
Nothing's wrong with sluts.
I don't say slut in any negative way.
I mean a girl that's down to party.
I'll say that instead.
I mean, there's no prudes that get their clit pierced.
You get your clit pierced, you're sending a fucking very clear message.
john heffron
Yeah.
Because you can't say, I don't really do this, and the guy would go, well, you have a license plate.
Yeah, you clearly do.
brian redban
You have a license plate?
john heffron
Yeah.
That right there says you do.
ari shaffir
You feel like your vagina will be so public that you will adorn it.
john heffron
Yeah, that you need to dress it up a little bit.
joe rogan
Apparently someone's saying that's from a documentary on dicks.
The guy with the fucked up dick.
It's from a documentary.
ari shaffir
That'd be a good one to watch.
Take Viagra and try to not get an erection the entire time you watch that documentary.
Every time it moves, they're like, no!
unidentified
No!
ari shaffir
And just punch itself.
joe rogan
Yeah, that would be funny if you gave guys...
john heffron
Yeah, there's something there.
joe rogan
If you gave guys a really high dose of Viagra, and then you made them watch gay porn, and you had girls touching them.
You had girls touching them.
They weren't allowed to suck it.
ari shaffir
No, no.
Dudes massaging your back.
unidentified
Oh!
ari shaffir
That'd be way better.
joe rogan
Guys massaging your back.
They give you Viagra and ecstasy, and they see if you get art.
unidentified
Yeah, you can.
john heffron
The first guy there...
ari shaffir
You would definitely get art.
No question.
joe rogan
Oh, so sad.
unidentified
Challenge match.
joe rogan
Yeah, that would be a funny...
john heffron
Oh, just find somebody who's really...
There's no way them gays are going to get married.
I don't want that, you know, those that's not right.
ari shaffir
Slip by our guy.
john heffron
Yeah, just take one and have some guy just blowing in your ear and see what happens.
joe rogan
Just have some really soft boy who smells pretty rubbing your back.
Slow and passionately.
After a long day of work, he's got oils and a feminine voice.
Like, is that it?
You like that?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Just enough so he's submissive and feminine enough so the dude's dick just starts getting hard.
unidentified
No!
ari shaffir
I'm a pretty boy.
john heffron
I'm pretty.
ari shaffir
That's hilarious.
Just whispering.
joe rogan
And, you know, truck drivers have sore backs.
Like, oh, yeah, right there.
You got it.
Oh, is that it right there?
Okay.
unidentified
Okay.
joe rogan
We'll fix you up.
We'll fix you up.
No worries.
ari shaffir
I heard Bobby Kelly talking about this on Tuesday.
About like why that was even an insult.
Why faggots even that bad.
Like they've never done anything to me.
Why is that like you're a faggot?
unidentified
No I'm not.
ari shaffir
I'll fight you to prove that I'm not a gay.
It was like what?
What is the difference?
But, like, yeah, if you get a little thing when some guy's touching you, it's like, whatever.
Who cares?
joe rogan
I don't like when dudes touch me because if dudes are thinking about fucking me, I know how I am when I think about fucking girls, and I don't want anybody thinking about me like that.
Because, you know, if you want to fuck somebody, you're like, you're into them.
You're going after them.
And if a dude doing that to you doesn't want to listen to the fact that you're straight, you're like, hey, I don't like that.
And then he keeps going after you.
That's, like, disturbing.
unidentified
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, the worst time you've ever tried to go after a chick.
The most clumsy in your history.
Could you imagine someone doing that to you?
A guy doing it to you?
Like you're drunk and stupid.
Imagine that dude doing that to you.
You'd feel so uncomfortable and gross and negative.
Get me away.
ari shaffir
I don't want to get raped.
My gay friend of college just always do that.
joe rogan
They would creep out dudes?
ari shaffir
He would get aggressively homosexual.
joe rogan
When guys get drunk, they get crazy.
ari shaffir
If I was kissing another one of our friends, he's like, what do I mean?
I don't kiss.
It was a comic.
It was a comic that did that.
joe rogan
What was that guy's name?
Jason something or another?
He was really flamboyantly gay and he would get aggressive.
ari shaffir
He was a cunt.
joe rogan
And we were all in Montreal.
There was like four or five of us.
I don't remember who was talking to.
I think Bobby Slayton was one of them.
But he came over and it was like the end of the night.
And he was like, you know, I'm sucking someone's dick because it's going to be yours.
And I'm like, hey man, get the fuck out of here.
ari shaffir
You should find a gay dude for this.
unidentified
Yeah, well, you're really working the way hard.
joe rogan
I mean, think about how hard it is for a straight guy to get laid.
And then think about how hard it is for a gay guy to get laid.
Like, their numbers are low.
ari shaffir
Yeah, but such a higher percentage when you find their numbers.
joe rogan
Yeah, if you go to Boys Town or something, you go to Santa Monica Boulevard, yeah, you're going to get a lot there.
But if you're in Thousand Oaks looking for gay sex, that's tough action.
You know?
You've got to find them.
You've got to go to church.
unidentified
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Find them and just stall them.
joe rogan
You've got to do something.
You've got to figure out...
unidentified
It's cold.
john heffron
You've got to pound on water.
ari shaffir
I saw this thing in the army in the 40s and 50s and 60s where people who grew up in small towns had never seen...
They just thought they were weird for these feelings but they didn't know.
The ones who grew up in New York and L.A., obviously they knew about gays.
And then they go to the army, all of a sudden they find other gays.
And they find each other.
And it's like, oh.
joe rogan
Well, in the army, apparently that's like a real problem.
Especially in the Navy when dudes were on boats.
There was a dude that we knew that was going away to the Navy.
His little brother was going away to the Navy.
We're all sitting around eating with him.
And just as a joke, I said, man...
You need to learn some jujitsu so you can fight off the rape on the boat.
And he goes, yeah, man.
Fuck that, man.
That shit happens.
I go, what do you mean it happens?
I go, dudes really rape dudes on the boats?
He goes, well, you know, it's not that big a deal.
I go, okay, what's not that big a deal?
He goes, well, I've been in for a year.
I only know four dudes.
I know what?
You know four dudes who've been raped by men, and you've only been in the Navy for a fucking year?
Could you imagine if you knew four comics that got raped?
You'd be like, fuck comedy, man!
ari shaffir
People at the income are getting raped.
unidentified
Well, how often?
Four times a year.
ari shaffir
I'll never go there again.
joe rogan
If somebody started raping UFC commentators, I'm like, nah, I'm gonna watch that shit from my house.
ari shaffir
Good luck, I'm a trillion guy.
joe rogan
Two guns in my lap.
Fuck you!
What are you, crazy?
unidentified
What are you, crazy?
john heffron
He was only in the Navy a year!
ari shaffir
And it happened over that year?
unidentified
Yes!
During that year, he knew of four dudes who got raped.
ari shaffir
Wow.
joe rogan
I mean, how many people was he coming in contact with?
Even though the Navy's gigantic, that's a big number.
ari shaffir
Even if it's a few thousand.
Still.
john heffron
Fuck.
joe rogan
Do you ever come close to joining the military or anything?
john heffron
Yeah, I had a recruiter show up at the grocery store I worked at.
It was for the Air Force.
ari shaffir
I thought of it.
john heffron
Oh, I went to my high school and then I remember him, how old was I? Yeah.
Like 17, 18. And then when I wrestled in high school, then he, this recruit, I don't forget, saw our heavyweight and goes, yeah, I was looking for John Heffern.
And then this guy started laughing.
He's like, pfft.
He's too small because when I was in high school, I was maybe 5'6", I wrestled 105 pounds.
So I didn't grow until after three years.
ari shaffir
105?
john heffron
It was 105. Jesus!
ari shaffir
And then 119. That's not even a real weight.
john heffron
Is the one I wrestled.
I know, right?
ari shaffir
If I find a woman who's 105 pounds, I'm like, yeah, you're pretty small.
john heffron
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
Did you try to say you would fuck John if he was 100 pounds?
ari shaffir
I would have to see a picture.
joe rogan
When were you thinking about joining the military?
ari shaffir
Same time, 17, 18. It was kind of interesting.
john heffron
Yeah, I was going to go for college.
brian redban
I was thinking National Guard.
I was like, you can get paid.
You only had to put up some cones during a flood or something.
ari shaffir
I really want to be in the Air Force.
joe rogan
Do you remember, that's the Bush administration changed all that bullshit.
The National Guard used to be a safe way to not go to war.
brian redban
To war.
And you were helping people.
joe rogan
No, it's active duty, and they split families up, and it's rough.
john heffron
Well, even if you look at Rambo, remember it was all National Guard guys who went after Rambo, and the whole movie was making fun of these National Guard guys.
Like, they don't know how to do anything.
Hey, I gotta get back to the store!
And now, the National Guard guys are as badass as anyone else.
joe rogan
There's a dude I do jujitsu with, and he was in the Army Reserve for 20 years, and 20 days left in his 20-year tour.
20 years!
20 days left, they sent him to Iraq for a year and a half.
ari shaffir
So if they start before your time is over, you have to do the fall.
joe rogan
They can just lock you in.
It doesn't matter.
And they can bring you back.
They can bring you back anytime they want.
They recall you.
brian redban
They're hurting so bad nowadays that I'm surprised they're not just like, oh, you're an eagle.
Fucking Iraq.
joe rogan
There's a lot of dudes who go over there because they think they're doing the right thing.
There's a lot of dudes like Pat Tillman, dudes who joined the army and joined the Navy.
They think they're doing it to protect this great country.
ari shaffir
Especially then in like 2001, 2002. But once they get in, then they realize you're getting fucked.
joe rogan
And that's what happened with Pat Tillman.
I mean, he was a huge critic, as was his brother, of how fucked up things are over in Iraq and Afghanistan.
And, you know, obviously they wound up killing them.
They killed in friendly fire.
john heffron
I remember a year ago I did a show and I got back to the hotel room and I googled oldest age to join army.
ari shaffir
Really?
joe rogan
You could be old as fuck, right?
john heffron
Nah, they bumped it up to 42, 43. But that's like 20 years longer than...
ari shaffir
Now, would you be enlisted there, or would you go straight to Officer Corps, or what would you do?
john heffron
I heard a couple things.
One, they would, like, say, I joined at, you know, 40. They'd give me a job and take a 19-year-old out of that job and throw that 19-year-old on the line.
So, like, the older guys is, like...
But I know one of my wife's friends, she's an Airborne Ranger.
She said she has privates in her thing that are, like, 37, 38 years old.
Privates, you know, just...
b-real
There's a lot of dudes, man, that have no fucking money, and they don't have anything in their town, and there's no options.
ari shaffir
There's also something to do.
What's the difference?
john heffron
You're taking care of the rest of your life.
unidentified
You're going to go to war.
ari shaffir
Or he's like, well, yeah, now would be a major problem.
I'm talking about general.
It's like, I don't know.
joe rogan
Well, we've been at war for eight years, dude.
unidentified
Yeah, we've been at war for eight years, man.
joe rogan
Joining the military for the last decade has been no joke.
john heffron
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know?
It's just, what the fuck, man?
When I was a kid, Vietnam ended when I was a little boy.
And I remember thinking very clearly that, oh, this is a good thing because now there's not going to be any more war.
Like, obviously, everybody hates war.
You're never going to go to war again.
And then when I was like 21 was the first Gulf War, me and my buddy Jimmy Dottilio, we had an apartment together in Waltham, Massachusetts.
ari shaffir
So ethnic.
joe rogan
It was ethnic.
ari shaffir
Jimmy Dottilio.
joe rogan
Two guineas hanging out in Waltham.
And we're sitting in front of the TV and the first strike happened.
And they showed the missiles coming in and the bombs going off.
And I was like, holy shit.
And me and Jimmy watched it like we were watching a football game.
We were like, dude, we're at war.
unidentified
Holy shit.
john heffron
I remember being in college then, and the two guys I lived with were all reservists, and then they got called up.
So they were probably 20, 21 years old, 22, got called up and went down to, they were going to start to help train.
At the time, everybody was like, there's going to be a draft, there's going to be a draft.
So we all thought, because we were at that age, we were 20, 21, we're like, holy crap, we're going.
ari shaffir
Oh yeah, there was a serious talk of that.
john heffron
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
So scary, man.
ari shaffir
I remember when the first Gulf War happened, we were practicing in basketball, and it was the opening night of some play, some high school play, and somebody came in like, the play bomb, the play...
The planes bombed, but I just caught things on the plane bombed.
unidentified
Oh, that's hilarious.
ari shaffir
And I was like, why are you breaking up our practice with it?
So, yes, I'm a little happy about it.
joe rogan
Yeah, the whole thing is so surreal.
I got woken up.
I don't remember who woke me up.
Somebody woke me up and called me and told me that America's under attack.
Yeah, that's what they said.
America's under attack.
And I was like, what?
Turn on the news.
America's under attack.
And we just are so removed from all the shit that goes on in the rest of the world.
We are so removed from what war really is.
Unless you talk to someone who's actually been over there and come back, and they have a very different opinion of it.
But we're so fucking removed from it over here.
When I saw that shit on TV, I was like, what?
john heffron
Really?
joe rogan
This isn't a movie.
Your heart starts beating faster.
All of a sudden, this team you're on is under attack.
It's not you, but we're all in this team together.
You don't think about that through your day-to-day life.
You can say you're happy to be an American, and you believe in democracy, and I'm a Republican, but you don't really realize you're on some team until the team's attacked.
And then you're like, so dudes that did nothing, dudes who didn't know these dudes, came over and killed them just because they were living on this part?
john heffron
Yeah.
unidentified
They were living in this patch of dirt so people were killing them.
joe rogan
I thought that was only movie shit.
ari shaffir
My brother's over there now.
joe rogan
Is he?
ari shaffir
Afghanistan.
He just got called up again.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
That's what happens.
When you go through a tour, if you sign up for the military, Dick Cheney instituted some new situation where they can just kind of keep bringing you back.
ari shaffir
Well, he's still on active reserve, so he knew he was eventually getting called up again.
joe rogan
But when they were in a situation where people had done their tours and they were bringing them back.
Yeah.
brian redban
Ugh.
Randall, Masker, how long are you going to ask the same question over and over and over again?
joe rogan
Is some dude asking a question over and over again?
brian redban
I've seen it ten times.
joe rogan
Joe, Joe, who gets more women?
Why are you reading it?
unidentified
Huh?
joe rogan
You're just rewarding him.
brian redban
You know, I just...
unidentified
Because he's still doing it.
joe rogan
So...
Alright, we'll take some.
ari shaffir
Yeah, when people ignore you sometimes, do you ever make a joke in public and nobody laughs?
And then you hear somebody make the same joke again because they assume nobody heard them?
And it's like, dude, look at their response and fucking take that to mean they didn't find it funny.
joe rogan
It's the worst that someone thinks you weren't listening and then they say it again.
ari shaffir
Yeah, one, that means it's not in the moment.
That means you're trying to make this joke.
joe rogan
This guy says all the branches other than the army are overloaded, actually.
You know, I believe that now.
I think he's probably telling the truth.
I would think that in this economy...
john heffron
There's a lot, yeah, a lot of people are.
It's a lot higher than...
brian redban
Look at, what was it?
How long?
Two years ago?
New Orleans.
You know, we didn't have enough people to send there.
joe rogan
That was two years ago.
brian redban
Wasn't it?
joe rogan
Wasn't it a lot more than two years ago?
When was Katrina?
What year was that?
brian redban
Oh, maybe it was longer.
joe rogan
Because that was when I first heard about Kanye West.
unidentified
Ha ha ha!
joe rogan
When he was like, George Bush hates black people.
brian redban
I was like, wow.
That was way longer.
ari shaffir
That was my favorite was Michael Myers' reaction because he's just a Hollywood guy.
joe rogan
Yes, these people will tell us.
ari shaffir
And he's like, oh, I do not want to be associated with this.
He's just so uncomfortable.
joe rogan
I know.
He got so...
I mean, that was like one of the blackest, most dangerous things you could say.
ari shaffir
And he was like, what?
Why am I in this picture?
joe rogan
George Bush does not like black people.
unidentified
Wow.
ari shaffir
George Bush hates black people, right?
joe rogan
Did he say hates or does not like?
ari shaffir
George Bush hates black people?
brian redban
Yeah, I think it did.
joe rogan
He said hates?
ari shaffir
George Bush hates black people.
brian redban
Yeah.
You know, why is that guy still on TV? He's like fucking spidey.
joe rogan
But now he's on TV because he's a douchebag and because people are looking for him to do something wrong.
His reason for being on TV has evolved.
It used to be like, here's this young artist.
Now it's like, this guy's such a cock.
Like, have him close to the camera and he'll probably do something stupid and everybody will hate him and it'll get you a million hits on YouTube.
You know, like when he took that microphone away from that girl, he'll be hated forever.
You don't do that!
ari shaffir
What was even worse was his fake apology on Leno later.
He was trying to work up tears, but he couldn't quite do it.
joe rogan
Oh, he's so weak.
He was just saying he's going to take a step back and he's not going to work on some show.
Shut the fuck up!
My favorite is when he says, please, just let me be great.
brian redban
George Bush doesn't care.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's what I thought it was.
brian redban
Thank you, our adder boy.
joe rogan
Yeah, hate is a very strong word.
Hate might make Mike Myers flinch and pee a little.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
Let a little dribble go.
This could ruin my career.
What happened to that dude?
ari shaffir
Mike Myers?
brian redban
They're actually making a new Austin Powers movie right now.
joe rogan
That last movie was Death.
ari shaffir
Tarantino put him in Glorious Bastards.
brian redban
And it was horrible!
ari shaffir
It was weird because it wasn't being funny so then it's like why would you put clearly someone who's known as a comedic actor...
brian redban
That last movie just rubbed me the wrong way.
I was like, dude, you're doing the same movie.
joe rogan
Yeah, but it's an Indian movie.
ari shaffir
So I Married an Axe Murder wasn't bad.
Because it wasn't overdoing it.
unidentified
It was just like a little bit like, I never saw that.
brian redban
That was a great movie, 10 years ago.
People are asking to take a break.
joe rogan
Why?
brian redban
Because we've been on straight for a while.
joe rogan
What does that mean?
They can't leave the fucking screen?
brian redban
Smoke breaks when I go to the bathroom when I get up.
ari shaffir
We're done.
joe rogan
Because it's 4.30 and I have to do some sort of an interview with some people in Australia for a gig I'm doing in Australia.
Just, I'm not trying to drop names.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm doing theater in Australia.
unidentified
Kicking it international style like my boy Soulja Boy.
Holla.
brian redban
What happened to that guy?
unidentified
Soulja Boy.
brian redban
This is a knife guy.
unidentified
Oh, yeah.
brian redban
He used to be like...
ari shaffir
He got as famous as was possible for him.
brian redban
Yeah.
joe rogan
Wasn't he in commercials first?
ari shaffir
Yes.
He was huge.
Somebody just made a reference.
john heffron
Paul Hogan, right?
unidentified
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Was that a family guy or Simpsons just made a reference about him?
He was like, I want to get hugely famous like that guy from Crocodile Dundee.
Yeah, and then not famous at all like that guy from Crocodile Dundee.
joe rogan
Yeah, how weird is that?
That guy was doing movies and shit?
ari shaffir
He took his millions and left.
joe rogan
Yeah, is that what he did?
brian redban
I think we got sick of him as a country.
ari shaffir
But he only did two Crocodile Dundees.
And then no other movies?
Didn't try to be in someone else's film?
john heffron
Yeah, you didn't see him in a romantic comedy.
ari shaffir
Yeah, you'd think you would have tried.
john heffron
You're the crocodile guy.
joe rogan
He must have lost some money on his movie and said, fuck him.
brian redban
Have you seen the preview for the new MacGruger movie?
You know that MacGruger, MacGyver?
ari shaffir
They make a whole movie about it?
brian redban
They may have a whole movie coming out.
And usually SNL movies...
joe rogan
MacGyver or MacGroover?
brian redban
MacGroover.
It's a take on MacGyver on Saturday Night Live.
joe rogan
And there's a movie out there?
brian redban
They're making a movie, and they have a new preview that just came out.
And the funny thing about SNL movies is that they usually always have the best parts in the preview.
There's not one part in this movie that looks good.
joe rogan
It's That is the worst when you go to a preview and you just sit there and go, oh, what the fuck are they doing?
ari shaffir
Why would someone promote this?
joe rogan
There's nothing worse than bad comedy because at least bad drama is hilarious.
Bad drama like Showgirls or something like that, those are genuinely funny movies.
I got some Left Behinds.
They're the Rapture videos that fucking Kirk Cameron dude makes.
Holy shit, are they awesome.
They're so good.
They're so beautifully stupid.
brian redban
Watching Kirk Cameron get owned on YouTube is one of my favorite pastimes.
joe rogan
He's so dumb.
ari shaffir
I saw a Kirk Cameron movie in the theater.
joe rogan
Did you really?
ari shaffir
The one where he was on the debate team.
I don't remember what it was, but it was like a group date with Connelly and a few other people.
We got driven there.
I think Connelly had her license.
Yeah, it was a debate movie.
And I remember the big climax at the end was like, Because some teacher taught them in a clear move to the rest of the movie that he sounded like he was being real, but he really wasn't.
And then later was like, were you serious about that?
He was like, yeah, I was.
joe rogan
I guarantee you, Kirk Cameron loves the cock.
I guarantee you he loves the cock.
There's no doubt about it.
There's no way he's that crazy, gung-ho, Jesus, the rapture, no sin, no masturbation, no love.
Fucking gay as the day is long.
unidentified
I don't think so.
john heffron
You know who said that?
joe rogan
I think he's fighting it with every fiber of his being, trying to stay in the straight and narrow, and like girls, and meanwhile, he just wants fucking...
Cough.
Mouth and ass.
john heffron
I just heard that Herschel Walker was talking about when you were doing his fight, strike voice, and he said he doesn't masturbate.
joe rogan
Yeah, but he's crazy.
Herschel Walker's got, like, split personality disorder.
john heffron
Yes.
joe rogan
I heard it was trauma-related.
I thought it was trauma-related.
john heffron
He said that, like, he didn't remember getting his Heisman Trophy.
Like, he's got all these different...
joe rogan
Well, dude, think about how many times that guy must have had concussions.
ari shaffir
I don't know if he's a big concussion guy, though.
joe rogan
He plays football.
Everybody gets concussions playing football, right?
ari shaffir
Quarterbacks get it.
No, a quarterback who's had the most will be like eight ever.
But that's quarterbacks who take blindside hits all the time.
Jesus.
Who's standing there when somebody fucking crushed them helmet to helmet, which doesn't happen as much.
joe rogan
Yeah, but any time you get hit...
Even if you're not getting a concussion, you're getting fucking rattled.
Even if you get up and you get back up, when you get smashed into by some giant dude who's running a full clip, even if you don't go out, and even if you don't have a concussion where your pupils are dilated, you got some brain damage, son.
You just got jarred.
That's reality.
And when you do that shit over and over and over again, football's one of the most dangerous things.
ari shaffir
I saw Ben Roethlisberger last week.
No, it wouldn't have been Roethlisberger.
Was there a big quarterback?
Whoever it was.
Oh, Kurt Warner.
Who threw an interception, went to make a tackle, and then he just got blindsided.
And you see him on the ground with his trainers over him, and he's like talking, but you can clearly see he's not making any sense.
He's like, no, no, I'm on the...
And they're like, alright, stay, stay.
joe rogan
Wow, that's nuts.
That happens a lot.
john heffron
I got one concussion once.
unidentified
Really?
john heffron
I thought Danny Bonaduce hit me in the back of the head.
We were sparring.
And I... And I kind of went down, but he said it was the slowest knockout ever.
Like I went to one knee and he goes, are you okay?
And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm good.
And then I went to the other knee.
unidentified
Are you sure you're okay?
john heffron
Yeah, everything's fine.
I'm just going to like, literally, I'm just going to, I'm going to lay here for a second.
Do we have time if I can lay here?
That's what I'm saying to him.
joe rogan
Oh my God.
ari shaffir
That makes sense to you.
john heffron
Long story short, a girlfriend I was dating that time came to my apartment, goes, you bought a VCR? And I go, no.
She goes, there's a Best Buy with a VCR thing over there.
Whose is it?
Go over, it's my signature.
This is back when people bought DVDs, though.
So I even bought the older VCR, and I bought it the way home after I left the place.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
You didn't realize you bought it.
john heffron
And then she goes, what's the matter with you or whatever?
And I go, wow, it's fine.
And then she's like, you look...
And then we went to the...
Doctors, and then I lifted up a foot, and I fell, and the whole thing.
unidentified
Wow.
ari shaffir
That sounds like a state of when you wake up, and somebody's like...
john heffron
Well, there's no football players that said they don't remember.
Like, Traikman said he would play a whole quarter and didn't remember playing the whole...
joe rogan
Some fighter said that.
Joe Dirksen fought Patrick Cote, and it was an awesome fight.
Patrick Cote caught him with a big shot, had Dirksen hurt, and then Dirksen wound up taking his back and choking him out.
It was fucking chaos.
Great fight.
And I ran into Dirksen after the fight.
We were on the way to the press conference.
I go, dude, that was a fucking awesome fight.
I go, what a comfort behind victory.
He goes, I don't remember it.
He goes, I don't remember what happened.
I go, you don't remember what happened?
He goes, no, man, he cracked me.
I don't remember what happened.
I got his back.
But this wasn't even an interview.
This was just me and him backstage.
I go, you got his back, and you did the BJ Penn.
You pulled the hook over the arm to trap the arm, and you choked him out.
I go, it was beautiful, man.
Wait till you see it.
He goes, I don't remember it.
I go, wow.
unidentified
That's crazy.
ari shaffir
There was one guy who did an interview and he goes, I don't remember that.
I thought it was a joke.
And then he was like, oh, no, I don't remember this at all.
Was that against Danny?
joe rogan
Colin Miller against Dan Lozon.
He got dropped.
And I go, what were you thinking?
How bad did we hurt when he got dropped?
He goes, I got dropped?
He didn't remember it.
ari shaffir
When he came on, he goes, oh, wow, I did.
Like his reaction was so real.
joe rogan
Tim Sylvia, when he fought, what's his name?
Randy Couture.
When Tim Sylvia got cracked in the first round, he woke up going into the fourth round.
He didn't know what round it was.
He thought the second round was the fourth round.
Or he thought the fourth round was the second round.
ari shaffir
Or the fifth, I think.
joe rogan
It might have been the fifth.
Because they told him, this is the last round.
He was like, what the last round?
He thought it was the second round.
He was gone.
He was fighting on autopilot.
john heffron
It's just your body trying not to die.
You know, just random nerves just randomly thrown.
joe rogan
Getting blasted.
I love, like, striking training.
I love, like, hitting the pad and hitting the bag.
And sparring with somebody you can trust is fun.
john heffron
Yeah, if you can find that guy that knows 70% is 70%.
joe rogan
Didn't some dude punch you in the face recently in your Krav Maga class?
john heffron
Yeah, same thing.
That's why, like, I enjoy training, like you said.
We're doing, literally I go, let's go 40% because I got some...
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
And if people don't know, when you do like striking sparring, the whole deal is that you don't hit each other hard.
You hit each other like a little bit, but you don't try to knock each other out.
john heffron
Yeah, there's nothing.
And so I'm like, and my problem is I don't get in close enough.
So I told the guy, let's go 40. That way if I do get drilled right in the face, it's not going to...
So then I throw a kick, but I'm throwing a kick at 40%, which means any little kick could grab that kick.
It's not going fast.
So he swoops it, grabs it, and then punches as hard as he could after he catches my foot.
And then I'm just laying there and I'm like, yeah, that's why I'm going to do more jiu-jitsu.
Because the worst thing that's going to happen to me is somebody's going to tap me out.
I mean, that could be that fluke.
Yeah, you get angry occasionally.
But it's more of a, not a gentleman's sport, it's just, uh, people are cool.
unidentified
It's more technical.
john heffron
It's more technical, and the worst thing that's happened is I go like that, and I'm not going, man, are you just weird.
And they drill me in the face.
joe rogan
And good guys don't hurt you.
Good guys are the least you have to worry about.
With a guy like Eddie, if he gets your arm, he's going to have full control.
He's not going to pull it back and snap it.
You've got to worry about strong blue belts that are just starting to learn how to tap people.
Those are the ones you've got to worry about.
Or they're just real hyper-aggressive and they don't know how to relax yet.
Or super powerful white belts.
We're just learning moves.
ari shaffir
The most you'll get is bruises all over your fucking...
john heffron
Well, when you spar somebody, especially if I find a place where I'm performing, that's a better story for them, is being knocked out the comic that was.
That's a way better story than, hey, I want to work on getting inside.
joe rogan
Do you mind if I... But then again, there's some places that you go to where people don't try to do that at all.
Like when I went to Amal Easton's place in Boulder, when I moved there and I started training there, people couldn't have been nicer.
Everybody was cool.
There was no assholes.
There was no aggro dudes.
No one trying to tap you.
No one getting crazy.
I mean, they were trying to tap you, but they weren't trying to hurt anybody.
They were just rolling.
It's all from how cool the instructor is.
If the instructor's cool, then the people are cool.
Like, Eddie's so friendly and so relaxed and so cool to everybody that everybody in the whole gym carries that friendly, relaxed attitude.
You know, you go to like John Jock's, the same thing.
John Jock's a real nice guy.
So everybody there is nice.
ari shaffir
Eddie was so high the other day that he started talking and he went up to his hand and then I was like, I wonder if...
unidentified
And then you see the other people laughing like, he's gone.
joe rogan
He got so high, he spent the first five minutes of class talking about some History Channel documentary on UFOs.
The first five minutes, like, dude, they got scientists, man.
They got NASA. NASA people, man.
Shit is going down.
john heffron
Should we be doing set-up slides again?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's like, dude, it's on the history channel.
Shit's going down.
I'm like, how high are you right now?
john heffron
How often do you do it?
ari shaffir
Like once to 1.5 times a week.
john heffron
But you still don't see.
Even that once.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
Get you thinking about it.
john heffron
I just get so mad at myself, like I'll go, you learn some stuff and then you come back and you just hold somebody going, I used to remember something.
I don't remember today and then...
ari shaffir
You try to hold it more and figure it out.
john heffron
It's consistently, you gotta just be like running so many times.
joe rogan
I don't know when you just stand up and you take a couple of weeks off and then try to do your act.
How does this go?
You don't even remember your bets.
You have to like review your recordings.
ari shaffir
I forgot a shit time.
I took extended period off and I forgot a shit time.
I was like, I know I can do something here.
I don't have any idea.
joe rogan
You forget a lot of shit.
I completely forgot how to do this.
There's this move to break the arm bar loose called the Silverado.
It was my favorite move when I was at Purple Belt.
I completely forgot about it.
We were reviewing it the other night.
I'm like, oh yeah, it's there.
That's how it goes in.
I forgot how to do it.
But it was one of my favorite moves.
It's weird.
Jiu-Jitsu, there's so many moves.
That's the crazy thing about it is.
It's never-ending.
john heffron
Do you think it's not matched, right?
Do you think a year from now some guy will do something that's...
unidentified
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
No one's done.
ari shaffir
Because it comes off what other people are doing.
joe rogan
Yeah.
ari shaffir
It depends on what you do.
But then no one has ever thought to defend this move yet because it hasn't been invented.
Once it does get invented, then you've got to have a counter.
joe rogan
There's this new move that dudes have been doing real recently called the Japanese necktie.
And it's just come out.
I think Aoki was the first person to do it.
ari shaffir
Get him the Peruvian.
joe rogan
Yeah, the Japanese necktie is sort of like a darse, but you grab it with a gable grip and you turn the guy's head up towards his chest and you have your chest pinned on him.
It's fucking nasty!
And it's new!
How did no one know this before?
People are in this position all the time, they're trying to get the darse choke, but really there's an even better choke that's right there.
As soon as you lock up that gable grip and you get on top of the guy, you tuck it under and you're bending his fucking neck towards his chest.
Your chest is on top of his head.
He's got no air, no blood.
ari shaffir
Whenever we do those drills and it's those cranks, I always pretend like we have an odd number of people in the class if I don't have a partner.
joe rogan
No, you should do it, man.
unidentified
You should do it.
joe rogan
They hurt.
Yeah, but you do it anyway.
You got to relax.
Just let them yank your neck around.
ari shaffir
It's such a small difference between fine and serious pain.
joe rogan
Yeah, but you got to get used to that.
No one's going to hurt you doing that, you know, but it's going to be uncomfortable.
But that move, it's so important to learn where it comes on.
Because the Japanese necktie comes on so quick.
ari shaffir
The Peruvian necktie too, it's like you're going like this and then you're just jumping back and hopefully you don't go too far.
It's a spazzy move.
joe rogan
It's an awesome move.
Peruvian necktie and Japanese necktie, both of them are the shit.
They fuck you up, man.
That's a terrible position to be in.
I think the Japanese necktie is even...
Well, Peruvian is pretty badass, too.
In the Peruvian, you got your weight on top of them, always.
The Japanese necktie, you're kind of like on the side and hooking it, but it doesn't matter.
It's so good.
Such a powerful move like that.
I think we're done.
ari shaffir
Do you agree, Brian?
brian redban
I was just thinking of Japanese people.
I'm like, have I ever seen a Japanese guy wear a necktie?
Oh, okay.
unidentified
Okay.
joe rogan
Well, what about that fucking Japanese video game?
That video that you posted?
Maybe we should end with that, because that is the most bizarre fucking thing I think I've ever seen on the internet.
There's some crazy Japanese video game that's like these two muscle-bound gay guys wearing diapers.
And they're a human bicycle, and they're riding down the road, and they're getting chased.
I mean, it is one of the gayest, weirdest things.
ari shaffir
Japanese lead the league in weirdness.
joe rogan
God, it's so strange.
Do you know, for people who don't know, there's like, you can go to vending machines in Japan, and you can buy used panties.
Like, that's real.
Yeah, you go places, they sell used panties.
john heffron
Why couldn't we open one of those there?
joe rogan
Could you open one of those here?
All you have to do is get a girl to put it on real quick, throw it in a bag, and then it's...
ari shaffir
Yeah, I think you have to have enough people that are going to cool and buying it.
Because I think...
joe rogan
You should have different levels.
You should have different levels.
One, the girl wears it all day.
That's the primo.
She doesn't change her panties all day.
ari shaffir
No shower in the morning.
joe rogan
No shower.
She goes to the gym, and you get those stinky, sweaty, funky...
Moose knuckle underwears.
john heffron
I think you missed an opportunity for the Joe Rogan fanny pack line.
joe rogan
I'm going to make them.
john heffron
And I was already thinking about your fashion show.
joe rogan
I'm making fanny packs.
ari shaffir
And then have used panties like that.
john heffron
We'll call them Rogan.
I mean, you could probably get it so instead of it's fanny pack, it's, oh, you want a Rogan?
I mean, there's some huge...
joe rogan
Yeah.
People think I'm kidding about the fanny pack thing.
You see me at the airport.
I always have one of those things.
ari shaffir
You should shape a fanny pack like a skull, like a three-dimensional skull.
john heffron
You can get a little crazy with it.
It's overhead compartment for your junk, you know?
unidentified
You're saying the sky's the limit on fanny packs.
joe rogan
It's a huge opening.
So easy to wear, so comfortable, so useful.
Fanny pack's the shit.
john heffron
And then I can see fighters entering.
Well, that'd be a little bit of a thing, but sponsored by...
joe rogan
After seeing the Jew clam, what's going to shock us?
This video we're going to show you is not as shocking as the Jew clan.
ari shaffir
I gotta pee.
Goodbye, everybody.
brian redban
This is actually funny.
joe rogan
R's gonna pee.
brian redban
Here, we'll turn off the webcam now and check it out.
joe rogan
Alright, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, for another fun, fun Ustream podcast.
I hope you enjoyed it.
John Hefron needs more Twitter followers, people.
It's at John Hefron.
Hefron with two F's.
And we love you, bitches.
Thanks for tuning in.
brian redban
Thanks.
unidentified
Have you seen this, John?
brian redban
Have you seen this John?
unidentified
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
*Sounds of music* *Sounds of music* *Sounds of music* *Sounds of music* Run uwu!
Oh, man.
Oh, man. man.
Oh, man. man.
Oh, man. man.
brian redban
Look at the baby, son.
unidentified
Teletubbies.
That's what I'm saying.
brian redban
Bye.
Export Selection