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Sept. 9, 2021 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:08:18
20210909_TJDS_20210908_Podcast
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Time Text
Wow, Joe Biden's on the line.
Hello.
Hello, Animal Control.
I think there's a snake in my toilet.
No, this is Jimmy Doerr.
You called me.
Hey, man, listen to me.
Things are looking up.
Guess who I picked to be ambassador to the great Empire of Japan.
His name is Ron Enamel.
Say it again.
Say it again.
What's his name?
Guess who I picked to be ambassador to the great empire of Japan.
His name is Ron Enamel.
Who?
Operating Manual.
Who?
Rom Jeremy.
Come on, man.
Don't dick me around.
You know what I'm talking about.
Ah!
I love that he always gets pissed off with you if he doesn't know something.
Who?
Who is this?
Ron Enamel.
Ex-mayor of the Wended City, Bean Town.
Black Gold, Texas T. No.
Take your shoes off.
Stay a while.
No, no, Joe.
Rob Emmanuel is his actual name.
Hey, man, don't tell me what actual means.
I know what it is.
I'm actually precariously teetering between lucidity and nappy time.
Roy is going to be doing a great job, Brownie.
That Emperor Hirohito won't know what hit him.
Why on earth did you pick someone like Rob Emmanuel for that job?
Firstly, because he predicted 2020 would be a year of the Biden Republican, and he was right.
We've won the majority of affluent counties in America, remember?
Ron knows his shit.
It's going to be a big fucking deal.
Just like Romney Care.
I don't know.
It just doesn't seem very wise.
Come on, man.
Did you see what Jim Clyburn wrote on LeRae's LinkedIn page?
Rod E-Trade has the experience necessary to advance our country's strategic objectives is Japan.
He's a workhorse thought producer.
He says Medicare for All is a pipe dream and owns 186,000 shares of stock in the healthcare company that he has a seat on.
His meetings are always a blast.
So don't worry about it.
Johnny Song bag.
But why him over others?
Because I'm the most progressive president since FDA, whom I marched with at Selma, Alaska, you might recall.
So you can at least give me that.
Thank you very much.
Chicago hates Rob Emmanuel.
I realize that.
But I swear he'll be nowhere near that section of Japan.
And as you know, my budget includes building a wall on the border with Japan.
But what does Rob Emmanuel know about Japan?
Come on, man.
Be realistic.
Since when do you have to know anything about a place to really fuck it up?
What did you know about your first apartment before you completely trashed it in a drunken rage?
Hey, did you know Japan has the world's highest life expectancy?
That's why we're going to give them the right to declare war again.
Wait, wait.
Who took away their right to declare war in the first place?
We did.
After nuking them into the Stone Age, it was only fair.
Period.
Full stop.
Get out of the car.
Your ride is over.
End of the line.
It's like my dad used to tell me about a man named Jed.
He's a poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
And he got shipwrecked on a desert island with a talking horse.
Remember that?
Hang on.
I'm getting a call on my shoe.
Talk to you later.
Establishment media such as August fighting so good luck.
Bullshit they can't afford.
Watch and see as a jackdog comedian who speeds and jumps the medium and hits him head on.
It's the Jimmy Tor show.
And speaking of shitlibs, oh my God.
Bill Maher gave a rant last Friday, not this today, but a week ago.
And he was trending over it.
Why was he trending over it?
Because it may have been the dumbest thing I've ever, ever heard on television.
And that includes the religious channels.
Yeah, and CNN.
So he was giving a speech about how you shouldn't complain about living in the United States.
Says a guy who's been a millionaire since 1988.
You shouldn't complain.
A guy who's never had to have his medicine, never lived under a breath, never went homeless, never had everything handed, never had to worry about anything.
So listen to what he did.
This is amazing.
And here we go.
Mud Liberals, as usual.
Mud liberals, as usual in this era, have now gone too far in the other direction.
They under-romanticize America.
They have no perspective.
Last week, the Taliban murdered a comedian.
His name is Nazar Muhammad, and he made up funny songs on TikTok.
They forced him into a car, tortured, and then executed him.
A comedian.
They murdered a comedian, whereas Bill Barr just murdered comedy, which is a little different.
I don't know why that would hit so close to home for him.
He's such a rebel.
Well, here we go.
Here off his face.
A thing like that hits a little close to home for me.
I've had two presidents up my ass.
This one warned me to stop speaking my mind.
They need to watch what they say, watch what they do.
This is not a time for remarks like that.
There never is.
And this one sued me over a joke.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, I mean, neither experience was pleasant, but I didn't have to worry about being dragged till I'm dead behind a Toyota Tacoma.
Have a little perspective about the stuff we howl about here.
Again, Bill is ignoring that Edward Snowden has to live in Russia right now.
Julian Assange, they've been trying to kill him for a decade straight.
That's what we do to journalists here in the United States.
That's what we do.
So they did that to a comedian.
Guess what we do to journalists?
Okay, all right.
And we censor everybody.
Okay, here we go.
Wow.
So Bill's going to tell you how great America is.
Here we go.
I'm sorry your professor said something you didn't like.
That won't be a problem with the Taliban because you're not allowed to go to school.
Guess who invented the Taliban, Bill?
Afghanistan had a socialist government.
The United States intervened, propped up the Taliban, Invented them as a way to fight back against Russia.
We thought we were going to have a big own on Russia.
And now the Taliban, who, by the way, we're working with right now.
So these people you hate who are taking Afghanistan and keeping it in the Stone Age, we invented them.
The United States.
Bill doesn't know this, so he doesn't share it with you.
So that's why he has his fake millionaire liberal outrage right now and people criticizing America.
Why?
Because he's an ignorant douchebag who has not fucking experienced any of the shit that America throws at most of its people because he's lived a life of privilege his entire fucking life.
Here we go.
Saudi Arabia, grown women can be jailed for doing the kind of things we think of as routine without the permission of a male guardian.
Saudi Arabia, who we prop up with the petro dollar.
Saudi Arabia, who funded ISIS directly.
Who we prop up with the petro dollar, who we are now murdering people around the globe at the behest of.
Why do you think we're murdering the poorest people in the world in Yemen?
Why do you think we're helping commit a genocide?
Because we're in bed with Saudi Arabia, Bill.
They're our friends.
China rounds you up if you're the wrong religion and puts you in camps.
More children in Burkerna Faso work than are in school.
Only 5% of Burundians have electricity.
The homicide rate in Honduras is eight times what it is here.
I wonder why all these problems, what is going on that would have such a high murder rate in Honduras.
Why would that be happening, Bill?
What is America doing?
The inflation rate in Venezuela is 2,719%.
Boy, it does suck to live in Venezuela.
I wonder why their inflation rate is 279%.
I wonder if there's some capitalist behemoth that has been trying to fuck over that socialist country because they actually take care of their people and lift them out of poverty.
And as we all know, the mission of the United States military is to make sure no socialist government ever is successful in South America or Central America.
And I know that, but guess the guy from HBO doesn't know that and doesn't know why they're having such problems in Venezuela.
Okay, it's because the capitalists which run our government have been fucking over that country economically ever since they became socialists.
That's why, again, Bill doesn't know his asshole from a hole in the ground and thinks we should look at other countries, which we destroyed and think that we should feel better back here at home as they do the same thing to us back here at home.
The Philippines, in the last five years, has put to death 27,000 low-level drug dealers.
My old job.
In North Korea.
Guess what, Bill?
The United States, because of the drug war, happens to be the world's largest penal colony, not the Philippines.
The United States imprisons more people than fucking China.
And those people are black and brown, disproportionately.
We have a racist criminal justice system which locks up more people than any other country in the fucking world, including China, which has about 10 billion more people than we do.
This is your success story.
You're really pointing to the United States as a success story.
That's what Bill Maher's doing right now and telling you to shut up if you want to complain about it and make it better.
Yeah, people starve to death.
The only people who starve here are doing it for a role.
So that's, again, Bill Maher.
Imagine if you were one of the 35 million people in America who are food insecure and you saw that piece of shit make that joke, telling you, you're not hungry.
You're not food insecure.
Well, Bill, if you did a cursory Google search, you would find out that 35 million people, according to the USDA's latest household food insecurity in the United States report, more than 35 million people in the United States experienced hunger in 2019.
Households with children are more likely to experience food insecurity.
35 million people, most of those households with children, are experiencing food insecurity.
That was before the pandemic.
That was before COVID.
You know that 80% of workers were paycheck to paycheck.
Do you know that, Bill?
You know that 50% of wage earners earn less than $30,000 in the United States?
Did you know that?
Do you know that 50% of Americans can't afford a $400 emergency in the United States, Bill?
course he doesn't know anything because the only time he talks to anybody outside of his class is when someone drives him somewhere.
U.S. comes in last in healthcare rankings, Bill.
Did you know that?
The United States comes in last in healthcare rankings of major countries.
In fact, here's where we are: Dominican Republic is 35th in healthcare.
Costa Rica, 36th.
United States, 37th behind the Dominican Republic and Costa fucking Rica, the richest country in the world.
And that's not because we don't have the resources to do it, Bill.
That's because the country's run by pieces of shit liberals who are fucking corporate cocksuckers like you are.
That's why this is.
Not because we don't have the resources to have a good health care system.
Because of pieces of shit like you, when activists activate to do shit like that, you shit on them and tell them to shut their mouths and vote for Amy Klobuchar.
That's Bill.
That was Bill Bill, I should call Bill O'Reilly.
That was Bill Maher's choice last year.
Amy Klobuchar.
You want to hear some more stupid shit?
If you think America is irredeemable, turn on the news or get a passport and a ticket on one of those sketchy airlines that puts its web address on the plane.
You mean like Frontier?
Oh, I'm sorry.
There's a reason Afghan mothers are handing their babies to us.
Yeah.
Healy doesn't know the reason, but he thinks it's a big own on people who are critics of the United States.
The reason why Afghan mothers are handing their babies to American soldiers is because the United States wiped out their socialist government in the 70s so we could fucking prop up the Mujahardin, which is now the Taliban, which is going to kill those fucking people.
Why?
Because we propped them up and invented them and got rid of a government that was actually taking care of them.
Oh, and then for 20 years, we bombed the fucking shit out of their country.
That's why they're doing that, Bill.
Oh, my God.
And the morons that go to see his show live.
Holy shit, do I not want to have a drink with them at a bar?
Oh my God.
And we should take them.
Americans right now should take in Afghan refugees into their homes and into their neighborhoods.
And forget about the 600,000 people sleeping outside your doorstep, Bill.
Don't do anything for those people.
Don't do anything for the 600,000 people who go bankrupt for medical bills every year or the people who are under mountains of student loan debt or people who can't get a living wage in the United States.
Or how about the 40% of homeless people who actually have jobs, but don't make enough money in the richest country in the world to have a house?
Thank you.
And I'm sure everyone who just clapped is thinking the same thing.
Yes, someone who isn't me should definitely do that.
Thank you.
But that doesn't make us the bad guys.
We're not the bad guys.
Oppression is what we were trying to stop in Afghanistan.
What an adorable little boy Bill Barr is.
How adorable.
No, the CIA and the U.S. military for 20 years, we were trying to end oppression in the Middle East.
Oh, my God.
We're ending oppression, you guys.
That's why we're occupying a country that we destabilized, built up violent terrorists to take over, and now we're in bed with them again because we're the good guys.
We're fighting oppression like we're fighting oppression in Iraq and Somalia and Yemen and Libya and Syria.
We're fighting oppression, says Bill, the fucking idiot on purpose, Maher.
What a fucking moron.
I mean, Jesus Christ, I know I'm dumb.
But this is a whole new level of intentional stupidity.
Because that's what this is.
Holy fuck.
So Bill Maher's whole message is: other places in the world have problems that we're causing.
So let's not do anything to fix the problems in America.
Because other places are shitty.
That's Bill's a right-winger who does Trump jokes.
That's what Bill Maher is.
He's a corporatist, right-wing Democrat who does Trump jokes.
Is there more to this stupid shit?
We failed, but any immigrant will tell you largely succeeded here, and yet the overriding thrust of current woke ideology is that America is rotten to the core, irredeemably racist from the moment it was founded, and so oppressive, sexist, and homophobic.
We did commit a genocide to found this country, Bill.
There were people called Native Americans who lived here, and we did wipe them out.
That happened.
Then we did import a bunch of other black people and create a second-tier society that were literal slaves in chains.
That's how they built the southern economy.
That's not made up, Bill.
That's fucking real.
And they weren't even allowed to vote until the 60s.
What are you fucking talking about?
We can't find a host for the Oscars or Jeopardy.
So now, again, what does this have to do with anything?
Nothing.
This doesn't have anything to do with what he's talking about.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sure you heard the new Jeopardy guys out because he said boobies in 2014.
And this is where your new Afghani roommates took in will prove so valuable because they'll turn to you and say, have you people lost your fucking minds?
Have you?
Yes, Bill.
The only problem America has with racism and sexism is finding hosts for game shows.
That's the only problem that we have with those two issues.
This is amazing.
This is real.
This happened on HBO in a room full of people.
And these are the guests he has.
I got fucking ripped for fucking talking to an anti-war, pro-LGBT fucking boogaloo boy.
This guy's the fucking literal devil.
And he has people out like this all the time and they yuck it up at their friends.
Bill Maher's best friends with Ann Coulter.
Just not Tucker Carlson, because that's the guy that's, you can't be friends with Tucker, but you can be friends with Ann Coulter and still be Bill Maher.
Thank you.
Have you ever heard of honor killings, public beheadings, throwing gay men off of roofs, arranged marriages?
Have you ever heard of America having the death penalty, killing poor black and brown people without legal representation?
Have you heard that Bill Clinton got off the campaign trail to go kill a mentally retarded guy while he was running for president?
Did you know that?
Do you know that there's a thing called the Innocence Project and every time they look at somebody, they're innocent, yet we're killing them, state, sanctioned, murder?
You know, Joe Biden just murdered some innocent women and children.
Two weeks ago, he just bombed a health clinic and a high school and killed 20 women and children.
This idea that your government is less murderous than someone else is a lie.
You tell yourself to feel better about yourself in your $10 billion mansion when you go to sleep at night.
This is a lie that Bill likes to tell himself and his fucking brain-dead audience.
Amy Klobuchar.
That was Bill Maher's pick, Amy Klobuchar.
And he gets a show.
Minors, state-sanctioned wife beating, female genital mutilation, marriage by capture, because we have.
What's the lesson of Afghanistan?
Maybe it's that everyone from the giant dorm room bitch session that is the internet should take a good look at what real oppression looks like.
Ask your maid.
Ask your Uber driver.
Ask the Asian woman giving you a massage.
She'll tell you this place is Shangri-La.
And not just because she's.
Yeah, my maid says she's happy here.
So we don't have any problems in the United States.
My maid says she's happy here.
The guy who drives me over to the studio a lot, he tells me he's happy here too.
You know, one in five children are homeless in the United States, right?
One of the five homeless people are children.
One of the five homeless people are children.
Great country you got.
You know, Bill, what do you call the richest country in the world?
What do you call a system, Bill, that takes the richest country in the world, renders half their people poor or low income without enough money To handle a $400 emergency.
What do you call that system?
You call that a failed system.
What do you take a system that takes the richest country in the world and renders 80% of its workers living paycheck to paycheck?
You call that a failed system.
What do you call a system that in the middle of a lockdown where they took people's income away and they didn't replace it like the rest of the Western world did?
When they shut your business down during COVID, they gave, they paid your employees wages.
They didn't do that in the United States.
They put people in poverty as they committed the biggest upward wealth transfer in history of $5 trillion upward to the richest billionaire and oligarchs in our country.
What do you call that?
You call that a failed system, Bill.
And because Bill Maher is rich and has been for 30 fucking years, and the only time he ever talks to a worker is when someone drives him onto a movie set or a TV set.
That's the only thing.
He thinks he's got his finger on the pulse.
It's...
This should be called the nationalist liberal hour, nationalist neoliberal hour, because that's what Bill Maher is, a neoliberal.
My maid says she's happy.
That's Bill Maher.
Well, there's more.
But that doesn't make us the bad guys.
Oh, we saw that.
Now, here's two minutes of Bill Maher getting his ass handed to him.
This is going to be a nice palate cleanser.
This is going to make all that shit you just heard feel a lot better.
Ready?
Watch this.
It's not our fault what came out.
We didn't go into Egypt.
Well, we did.
We wound up with the Muslim brother.
We were supporting and propping up Mubarak for 30 years, even as we were cheering for all the Tahir Square demonstrators, is that we were on their side.
It was our government that kept Mubarak in power, just like we've done across the entire Muslim world.
And it's amazing for you to say that, well, look at all these Muslims.
The minute you give them a little bit of freedom, they go wild and they start being all violent.
How can you be a citizen of the United States, the country that has generated more violence and militarism in the world over the last five or six decades and say, look at those people over there.
They are incredibly violent.
We play a significant role in what has been happening in the Middle East because we've been interfering and dominating that region in order to have access to their own.
I wasn't talking about violence.
I was talking about theocracy.
That doesn't happen here.
Well, okay, that doesn't happen here.
But at the same time, Iran isn't invading lots of other countries and occupying them for a decade, nor are fundamentalist Muslim countries the way the United States is.
these things are interlinked because we are continuously interfering in that part of the world.
And so to say...
It's not our fault, but when you send your military for six straight decades into other countries to bomb them, kill their children and women and innocent men.
And pop up dictators.
Yeah, you take responsibility for your actions and say to the extent that that region, that religion goes back a thousand years before our revolution.
So I don't think we can take all the blame.
I don't think we should.
I think we should take a lot of it.
And there's lots of bodies and corpses that have been piled up in the name of Christianity and Judaism as well.
Not recently.
Have you heard of the occupation of the West Bank and Gaza for the last 50 years, motivated in part by extremist views of Judaism or the wars in Europe or the fact that there were generals in the United States saying we have to go and invade and destroy Iraq, a country of 26 million people because our God is bigger?
Lots of religions, not just Islam, produce violence.
If I could just make one quick point about Egypt.
It's a silly liberal view that all religions are alike because it makes you feel good.
No, it makes you feel good to say our side is better than people over there.
You get to ignore the responsibility that your own government has for the violence and instability in the world by saying, look, it's that primitive religion over there that's to blame.
All right.
It's time for.
So that's what happens.
And that's why Bill Maher doesn't have Glenn Greenwald out anymore.
Remember, he had Crystal Ball on.
She humiliated him.
And he doesn't, he likes to have right-wingers on his show because, again, nobody likes to have anybody to the left of them around.
Okay.
So a good way to get unpopular is to be to the left of people.
They don't like it.
They smear you constantly.
That's why you see what happens to this show.
You see what happens to Glenn Greenwald.
You see what happens to Julian Assange.
You see what happens to Edward Snowden.
You get to the left of people and they smear you.
And that's exactly what happens.
And they try to kill you.
So that was fun.
And that's why Bill Maher doesn't like to bring on anybody who's to the left of him.
And it was funny when I did Joe Rogan one time.
He was coming on next.
He was the next guest.
He would not come in the building until his assistant assured him I had left the building because I was waiting.
I was waiting.
And he would not come in.
He would not, he wouldn't even, his car wouldn't even come around.
He was sitting in a car around the corner waiting for his assistant to give him the heads up.
Jimmy Doerr has left.
And that's what happened.
So there you go.
Bill Maher wrote a great book, by the way, his book, True Stories.
It's about stand-up comedy.
And I read it twice.
It's fucking great.
I love that book.
And, you know, Bill Maher's show, Politically Incorrect when it first aired.
It was a good show.
I liked it.
This show is, he's ridiculous now.
He's fucking ridiculous.
And if I ever get as ridiculous as Bill Maher is right now, I hope there's a YouTuber who fucking hands me my ass because that you need a slap in the face to wake up every once in a while.
And if I ever get that bad, I swear to God, I hope somebody does that to me.
But again, let's remember, my main job, I'm a comedian.
That's my real job.
I'm not one of these guys who calls himself a comedian, right?
Like, oh, and I do.
I'm a comedian because I'm funny on my show.
No, I'm an actual comedian, meaning you can drop me in to a room full of people who don't know me and I can make them laugh for an hour straight.
That's what I mean about I'm a comedian.
Okay.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon leak because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show is you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week.
And it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to jimmydoorcomedy.com, clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
And it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
And if you haven't, you're missing out.
We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
So I was supposed to be on Kyle and Crystal, and I don't know if you know what happened.
But they did that thing called canceling me without telling me I was canceled and then booked somebody else, meaning Jenks' nephew.
And then they acted like I was a dick because I wanted them to tell me they were canceling me or something.
Do you remember that?
Kyle said, how can I tell you I was canceling you?
I was busy doing the show you were supposed to be on.
Which is kind of like saying to your wife, honey, I couldn't call you.
I was busy fucking your sister.
What?
What do you want me to do?
I called you immediately after I was done fucking your sister.
Aren't I a good guy?
So a funny thing.
She's nice.
A funny thing happened.
This is all.
A funny thing happened.
Bernie Sanders was set to go on the Kyle and Crystal show.
Yeah, so this episode is a little bit bittersweet for me because, I mean, I love the fact that you got to talk to Bernie, and I have full faith and confidence in your abilities.
I know you're going to do an amazing job, but I'm not in this interview, and there's a reason why I'm not in this interview.
So, I mean, you could probably give the timeline better than me, but they reached out to you and basically said, yeah, we'll do an interview under the condition it's only you.
Correct?
So Bernie said, I'll do an interview on Kyle and Crystal, but only if Kyle's not there.
Now remember, you can't burn bridges with politicians.
Here you go.
Yes.
So that was, we actually didn't reach out to them.
I didn't say that, but I feel like months ago, you did reach out to them and invite them.
And then now, like, months later, they finally responded and they were like, sure, but only you.
I actually can't.
You're probably right because probably in the beginning, at the beginning of the podcast, I probably did reach out to them.
But it has been, that request long expired.
So they reached out.
That was the very first thing they led with when they reached out to me.
It was like, want to do this interview, but really want it to be just you.
They were also kind of open on whether it would live here or with breaking points.
So it wasn't just you that they didn't want.
It was also Sager.
You made it seem like.
That is funny.
They didn't want Kyle.
They didn't want Sager.
And they wanted to set the terms for their interview.
And we just all went along with him.
We let Bernie dictate the terms of his interview.
He'd say, hey, fuck Kyle.
Bernie asked Kyle if he would sit in the corner while Bernie fucked his show.
No.
And apparently, Kyle said yes.
Let's listen.
Let's listen.
It was relatively non-negotiable that they wanted to talk to you.
It was very, it was like a hard line kind of like, sure, we'll do it, but this is the condition.
Yes.
Yes.
So, you know.
Am I butthurt over that?
Yes.
I'm very butthurt over that.
I mean, I supported Bernie.
But Bernie told you before the interview, right, Kyle?
He didn't tell you after the interview like you did to me, right?
At least he told you before.
Okay.
I just want to make sure.
I just want to make sure.
More than anybody in 2016, more than anybody in 2020, I got him on Joe Rogan.
That's, you know, you could talk to Fashikir, his campaign manager.
I'm the one who set all that up.
So I think that's fair.
To sort of be thrown under the bus in a way.
And whether it's Sagar or me, I mean, Sager, he'll even tell you.
He's more Bernie's ideological enemy than I am.
And so to be somebody who's more ideologically aligned with him and supported him as much as I did and for him to just be like, I'm going to kick you off your own show.
That's done.
I didn't like that.
I was talking to Corn about it.
And he was like, really?
How would he do that?
But you let him fucking do it, didn't you?
Let me tell you how that conversation goes down if the Bernie Sanders show calls our show and says, I want to do an interview, but Jimmy Doerr can't be there, just Steph Samurano.
It would be, hey, sorry, go fuck yourself.
Thank you very much.
What?
Why, why do you, why, why, why, what?
What?
You don't want me on his show?
Why?
Why wouldn't I just, all I'm saying is, I don't want the fucking one guy on the show.
Why do I want to do that?
Yeah, I don't want to do that because I actually have a fucking spine and I'm not a nutless wonder.
And when a politician wants to bullshit me, I fucking stand up to them.
I don't sit in the corner and watch them fuck my show.
know and the weird part is I would go wait a minute you don't want soccer either did it did it Didn't Kyle once call Bernie a cuck?
Yes.
So Bernie came back and made Kyle a cuck.
That's exactly right.
That's exactly what happened.
Oh, he was going to say, you want to play the cuck game?
Well, guess what?
Guess what?
I'm not only going to cuck you, I'm going to cuck saga.
I'll cook.
I'm going to cuck the whole fucking YouTube community because you all remind me of that fucking Debbie Wassaman Schultz.
So here, so they did, so Crystal did the interview, and it's painful.
I don't know if you've seen it, but it's super painful.
Here we go.
You ready?
Here we go.
He is prepared to deal with.
I have not seen a president in my lifetime who has done that.
Am I wrong?
Okay, hold on.
You gotta.
I understand your upsetness, but we have to save the booing till after the video clip plays.
Because we'll have a joke for it.
Started from the beginning.
Okay, here we go.
Ready?
He is prepared to deal with.
I have not seen a president in my lifetime who has done that.
Am I wrong?
I see that perspective, but I also see a president who's willing to let a lot of those agenda items be killed by the filibuster and the parliamentarian.
Well, but again, I don't want to defend him.
I think the point you made a few minutes ago is exactly right.
In this critical moment, when we're dealing with the future of the planet, when we're dealing with the future of democracy, you know what?
I think majority should rule and not believe that strongly.
What the fuck does that mean?
I believe that the what?
What?
Here we go.
But don't think that he can slap his fingers, no matter what he may or may not believe, and make things happen.
All right, there are senators.
Yes, he can.
I don't know if you know, but Joe Biden can slap his fingers right now under section 1881A and give everybody Medicare for all.
You can do that right now.
And the crowd goes wild.
Joe Biden could snap his fingers and give us student debt relief.
Joe Biden could snap his fingers and rescheduled marijuana.
There's a lot of shit Joe Biden could do by snapping his fucking fingers.
And Bernie is what he's doing is running interference for the establishment.
Why?
Because Bernie is the establishment now.
Jimmy, they let the Senate parliamentarian who works for them kill the $15 minimum wage, who works for them.
Do whatever he wants.
I know.
Everybody knows that was pretend they set it up.
Oh, look at this parliamentarian you never heard of is actually the one controlling everything.
Son of a bitch.
I wish Joe Biden would have ran for parliamentarian.
Then we'd have a living wage.
What the fuck were they thinking?
Oh, if only they would have ran for parliament.
Here we go.
There are certain things he could do, though, through executive action.
For example, canceling student debt.
That's right.
That's right.
There are things they can't do.
Legalizing marijuana.
He could potentially take her executive order.
There's a lot of fucking sound.
You know, do I sound like Richard Nixon right now?
I don't know why I fucking sound like Richard Nixon.
You know, Joe Biden is not a crook.
I'll tell you that.
You're not a fucking crook.
Joe Biden's my good friend.
He's my good friend.
Spiro Adnew is a fucking decent guy.
So there hasn't been a willingness, even though he says, yes, I support the $15 minimum wage.
Yes, I support the PRO Act to use all the tools that are at his disposal to actually make those things happen.
You're absolutely sure of that.
Is that fair?
Yes.
Yes.
Guess what, Bernie?
I have a room full of 600 people right here.
Are you guys sure about that?
No.
No.
Are you guys sure that Bernie's bullshitting us?
Yeah!
Has Bernie turned into a gaslighting establishment fucking tool?
Sorry, Bernie.
But you broke my heart, Torito.
You broke my fucking heart.
Anyway.
No.
I mean, in other words, you do not know about the discussions that he has with people who walk into his office.
So this is the old style.
You don't know what he's doing.
I know what the fucking result is, Bernie.
And the result is we don't have a living wage.
We don't have health care.
And fucking 80% of workers are bankrupt in the richest country in the fucking world.
That's when I know what's just happening.
What are you fucking doing?
What are you doing?
How are you pushing him left?
Jimmy, but Ron Clain, Biden's chief of staff, and you've covered this.
He's liking some progressives' tweets.
Boom.
Boom.
The guy that gave us that.
Boom.
That's a great point.
It takes a Canadian to see something like that.
I know how much I like it when somebody famous like Norm McDonald liked a tweet from mine the other day.
And I, oh my God, I was pissy happy.
Here we go.
It's wrong to assume that when you're dealing with a United States Senator who does not want to end the filibuster, that he can go in there and say, hey, I want you to do that.
No.
So don't give the president.
Although he could do what you proposed when you were asked on the trail, how would you deal with Senator Manchin?
You said, I go to West Virginia.
I do the rally.
I'd call him out.
Right.
I mean, there are things you.
I mean, I was bullshitting when I said that.
What the fuck?
You're going to hold me to the shit I said?
I mean, come on, I'm a cuck now for fucking Joe Biden, and you know that.
Look at your friend in the corner.
He knows how to cuck.
I mean, we all have to cock sometimes.
That's what I'm saying with Crystal.
We have to fuck a cook.
All that I'm saying, do not minimize.
I mean, and I don't want to get into personalities, but because Joe Biden's personality is fucking indefensible.
That's why you don't want to get into it.
A racist, megalomaniac, pathological, fucking warmongering liar who you now act like is your boss instead of someone who you're supposed to fucking influence and drag to the left.
That's who Joe Biden is, and that's why you don't want to get in the fucking personalities because you can't to fucking fend it.
Any member of the United States Senate has the power to kill this thing.
Yes.
And to think that the president alone can change that is not 100% correct.
Sure.
Boy, if only the president was in a position of power, maybe Joe Biden should run for Senate against Joe Manchin next time.
And then we could get some shit done.
Apparently, Joe Manchin is the puppet manster.
Guess what?
Bernie has just as much power as Joe Manchin.
But it's weird Joe Manchin uses his power every five seconds and Bernie has yet to put a hold on a bill ever.
He'll never put a hold on a bill.
Ever.
He didn't put a hold on the largest upward transfer of wealth in his human history, which was the Bullshit CARES Act.
He didn't put a hold on that.
He voted for it.
Okay.
But there are executive actions that he could take.
Come on, Dr. Boyd.
This is getting ridiculous now.
I'm getting embarrassed.
Holy shit.
I picked the woman'cause I didn't think you'd do this shit.
*crowd cheers*
I'm not going to go out with a fella because what Elizabeth Warren said, by the way, the whole fucking point is.
We can agree on that.
I am not.
Yeah.
That's the revolution, Jimmy.
That's the revolution.
We got it.
Bernie brought the revolution.
All right, so they're talking about the infrastructure bill.
And here's what he has to say.
What's your understanding right now of those pay-fors?
Yeah, that is.
You know what asset recycling means?
Asset recycling is they take your ass and they sell it to a corporation, and then they get to fuck you in your ass for money.
I did, but a quarter at a time.
So like asset, it's like when Rob Emanuel sold the parking meters to a private company.
That's called asset relocation.
Yeah.
Because you want to put a profit motive in a fucking parking meter instead of just giving it to the goddamn country city.
Anyway, so that's what they're talking about.
That's what they're talking about.
Assets.
So they're going to take private, public shit and turn it to private so people can make money off it.
That's called that asset relocation.
Here we go.
The idea that we privatize infrastructure, that we give over roads and bridges and parking meters or whatever it may be to the private sector, I think is a very foolish idea.
I'm not a great fan of privatization.
And what they are also doing is taking money from other pots of money that were passed in previous COVID bills, which should be used later on.
Concerned about small businesses, restaurants, etc.
So in general, the payfours are not good.
But here is the bottom line, and this is the world that we live in.
I'm going to fucking vote for it.
I'm not going to put a hold on it.
I'm not going to do shit.
I'm actually going to fucking vote for this bullshit bill, and here's the reason why.
We have 50 votes.
One person says no, nothing happens.
So, I am willing to go along.
I think I want to see.
So, why don't you say fucking no, Bernie?
Why don't you say no to the asset reallocation?
Why don't you say fucking no to that?
Why?
Why?
Because you're a nutless wonder and everybody sees it now, you establishment Joe Biden shill.
You broke my heart, Fredo.
So, here he is going on.
The details of the bipartisan bill, if there is 100% agreement on the part of the Democrats who are negotiating this, that they are going to go along with the reconciliation package.
And do you have those assurances today?
No!
No, that is a very good question.
All I can tell you is I'm going to go along with the establishment.
That's all I can tell you.
So, there it is.
That's Bernie Sanders in a nutshell, and he's giving an interview to a nice lady as a guy sits in the corner and watches Bernie come all over his table.
So, by the way, how much fucking money is that?
What is that with that?
Bernie doesn't know what time.
Is he going deep sea diving?
Why does he need that big of a fucking?
Anytime I see a guy with that big of a watch, I'm like, little dick.
That's what I think.
I don't even, ladies, I don't even wear a watch.
I got my watch right here.
I got your fucking watch.
3 p.m.
It's 3 p.m.
Wait a minute.
It is 8:11.
8-11.
You know, Barack Obama is building a library here in your own hometown of Chicago.
Oh, you know, oh, wait a minute, Jimmy.
You'll like it.
I guess I'll skip this segment.
Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are the couple of Chicago.
What?
What are you talking about?
So here is Barack Obama.
And so Valerie Jarrett, his former advisor, said, my dear friend, Barack Obama is turning 60 tomorrow.
For his birthday gift, I'm asking you to chip in $6 or $60 to help us bring the Obama presidential center.
Hey, how about this?
How about in honor of Barack Obama's 60th birthday?
I just donated $60 to Parks Protect to support their lawsuit to stop his presidential center vanity project destroying Chicago's historic Jackson Park.
Thank you.
Barack Obama, the guy who's having his birthday party on the estate in Martha's Vineyard, and one of the biggest rock bands in the world is scheduled to play.
He needs your money.
Barack Obama needs your money.
For as low as $6, you too can help Barack Obama screw over the people of Chicago.
Isn't that great?
Don't you want to contribute to the fucking of the people of Chicago?
Some rich people know that they're way too rich and they can't ask for money.
Some people, some rich people know they're too rich to ask for money.
But while other rich people say, "Yes, we can." So more people are becoming food insecure by the day, but do you have a little bit to spare for Barack Obama?
The guy who totally sold you out for eight years, don't you have a little bit to spare for Barack Obama?
I can't wait till next week when they ask us to contribute to Jick Cheney's birthday party shooting range.
And let's face it, charity is important, ladies and gentlemen.
Are there any other struggling politicians out there like Barack Obama?
How's Chris Christie doing?
Does he need some more money?
How about Hillary?
Because she used some money to make another failed podcast.
Come on, dig deep.
Dig deep.
And the Associated Press says Barack Obama continued to push to build support for his 19-acre presidential center on Chicago's lakefront, urging business leaders to back the $500 million project.
Activists, meanwhile, seek to force its relocation to protect the surrounding environment.
The 21st century America, we must build a pyramid for every pharaoh.
The practice of building presidential libraries in grotesque and contrary to our nation's founding principles.
Presidents are just transitory public servants, and we would do well to take them down in that.
Hey, Jimmy, you know, Obama is such like a narcissistic asshole.
And he's the first, he's the first president since Nixon to make his library privatized.
So usually the library is in the hands of the National Archives.
Obama is saying, fuck that.
I'm controlling it.
So with public money, you're going to build me a library, but I'm going to control it.
So the public can't even access records on the normal basis as they normally do.
No shit.
It's a private.
Yes, it's a part of the library.
Part of this library.
He's a total fucking capitalist even when it comes to his library.
Absolutely.
This is a guy.
Think about it.
This is a guy who's only like, what is his legacy?
What is his legacy?
What is his tangible.
It's a.
But his tangible legacy.
Hold on.
Hold on.
You're right.
Let him get it out.
Here we go.
You're right.
Destroying Libya, destroying Syria, but here in this country, what is it?
It's a Netflix content deal.
Yeah.
That's his legacy.
That's his contribution to the United States.
It's a Netflix content deal.
I like Netflix.
So here we go.
Here's the story.
The Obama Library is dealing with...
Let's bring to his...
I forgot about that one.
He has a podcast with Bruce Springsteen where they talk about being like mediocre guys who are phonies.
Who are phonies who exploit noble ideals to make a lot of money for themselves?
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
That's a lyric from a Bruce Springsteen song, right?
I took her wrong turn and I just kept going.
And that's What he's fucking doing with Barack Obama.
Okay, so here's the story.
The Obama Library is dealing with issues around race and poverty.
A study by neighborhood activists estimated that up to 4,500 families would be at risk of displacement with the development around the center.
Obama didn't raise the minimum wage even once in office, but he's going all in on ramming his presidential library down Chicago's throat.
That's exactly right.
Some groups have demanded a community benefit.
So this is what people are asking for.
Some groups have demanded a community benefits agreement to protect residents.
At an Obama Foundation meeting, then activist Jeanette Taylor asked if Obama would sign such an agreement.
Obama Dia Video said as a former community organizer in Chicago, he understood the concerns, but he didn't think a pact was necessary since the foundation, which is raising funds and overseeing construction, is a nonprofit.
He forgot the people who got him into office, Taylor said.
That's right.
That's right.
That's exactly right.
His response left her heartbroken, she said, and she used it to fuel her city council run, and she was elected in 2019.
Taylor has since gained sponsorship for an ordinance calling for protections in a two-mile radius around the Obama library, including designating 30% of the area's housing as affordable, requiring buildings up for sale to first be offered to current residents, and establishing a community trust fund to help residents with property taxes.
That sounds like something we should be doing.
Don't you think Barack Obama should do that?
I mean, Barack Obama is a community activist, right?
He's a community organizer who now lives on Martha Vineyard, and now he's a gated community organizer.
But even a gated community organizer would recognize that the people want this and he should help the people.
And what does he give a shit if the people around his building aren't being taken care of?
Well, former President Barack Obama said he opposes such an arrangement, ladies and gentlemen.
So Barack Obama's like, fuck you.
I'm not doing that.
I'm not helping people.
I am a tool of Wall Street and the moneyed interest till the day I fuck and die.
And that's what Barack Obama is telling you.
What he said, too, when they asked him to sign a community benefits agreement, he said, if I sign it with one group or two groups, then another two groups and five groups and ten groups are going to spruce up or are going to spring up to try to sign a benefit with and agree with me.
So basically he's saying that people want to sign an agreement with him so badly that they're going to create groups, new groups, just to sign a community benefits agreement with him.
It makes no sense at all.
He's just a liar.
He's a gaslighting liar.
So if I do the right thing for this group, I'm going to be forced to do the right thing for another group.
And I don't know if you know, but my handlers aren't going to like that.
So Alderman Jeanette Taylor introduced the ordinance in city council in late 2020.
After five years of advocacy, protests, and negotiations, the city council unanimously voted to pass the final compromise ordinance.
Barack Obama continues a push to build support for his presidential center on Chicago's lakefront on Friday, urging business leaders in the city to get involved with the project.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe he should ask the banks he bailed out in 2009.
Jake, will you say that soon?
It's a good night.
Thank you.
I like, he says it's a non-profit, so it doesn't matter, right?
It's a non-profit.
That means it's totally okay.
Just think of some of the other totally perfect nonprofits we have, like the Susan J. Kohmen Foundation or the NFL.
Neoliberal war criminal Barack Obama gets paid 400 grand every time he gives a brief speech to his friends on Wall Street.
He owns a $12 million mansion on Martha's Vineyard.
The Obamas have $135 million in wealth.
Stop asking people to donate their money to help further gentrify Chicago.
Thank you.
Hey, look, it's an elite gala with ex-Bush official Obama tells Wall Street to thank him for making so much money.
That's who Barack Obama is.
That's fucking awesome.
So he said, is that Dick Cheney he's sitting there with?
Who is that person?
That's not Dick Cheney.
It's not Cheney, Vince, another Bush official.
He's saying, you know, I was great for you guys.
I don't know what you're mad at me about.
Chicago officials announced in April the preliminary work at the property was underway even as activists filed another lawsuit seeking to force its relocation to protect the surrounding environment.
How about you put it in Libya?
how you've heard Olivia You know, a library is a useful tool for looking up all the different types of fracking chemicals they're using, isn't that?
I wonder if that information will be.
And by the way, black children don't need trees.
We know that.
Obama's library digging up roads, tearing out trees.
All it needs now is an oil rig.
Come on, these are fucking good jokes.
Here's some more.
I have some more.
You know, the best way to learn about nature is by reading about it in a book, preferably a coal-fired Kindle.
I'd like to read about the animals that used to live around Barack Obama's library.
A library is a great place for learning language because of this library, a little kid dying from lack of health care can at least learn the word socialized medicine before they die.
I know some of these jokes are tough to take.
There's more.
I got a lot more.
David Axelrod, here's a joke.
David Axerod, who likes to walk in the park with his special lady.
Hi, Jimmy.
It's David Axelrod.
Are you talking with your special lady?
The thing that strikes me is how little used it is.
I think this will bring more people to the park and it will enhance it, says David Axelrod.
Yeah, there's no other way of bringing people to a park than by destroying it.
Thank you, David.
Fast forward to 2045 when construction of the AOC library is tearing up Central Park.
I like that.
I like that joke.
Okay, fuck that.
All right, that's it.
I'm done with those jokes.
By the way, his hopefuls library includes an animatronic Barack pretending to drink the water in Flint.
Thank you.
Piece of shit.
Hey, since this is on Chicago's dime, how about we fix Chicago's pipes?
Chicago has more lead service pipes than any other city in the United States.
Isn't that amazing?
You want to fix the lead pipes in Chicago first?
Book that?
I need to know about some water.
Come on out there.
I want to clap.
jesse smollett is a better actor Can I get some water?
Are you fucking shitting me?
Water.
Get a battle.
Battle water.
I want a glass of water.
Everybody shut it down.
This is a feisty crowd.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm disgusting.
I really didn't need a glass of water.
This is not a stunt.
What?
He wet his lips.
He did not drink it.
He didn't sip it.
He lit his lips.
There was an audible gasp in the audience.
People were just like, absolutely digged it.
Why would you do that?
I am sure that somewhere when I was two years old, I was taking a chip of paint, tasting it, and I got some lead.
Yeah, that's like talking about like, well, I didn't wear a seatbelt and I'm fine.
It's like, but there were tons of people that died.
Backstage, the president, sitting at the table with the criminal governor, decided to perform his stunts all over again.
You know, generally, I have not been doing stunts here, but, you know.
That's not what I expected.
That's what Snyder did.
It felt like he minimized what people were actually going through and struggling with.
If he were actually lead poison, you would not be president.
You would be janitor Barack Obama.
We were holding on to hope that he would declare a disaster.
The disaster would give us schema.
It would give us hyperplacement engineers in here.
Then we could get Medicare for all the residents of Flint.
As soon as he took a drink of the water and said everything's fine, that was that.
And look at it.
Years later, it's still poison.
When he came here, it was my president.
But when he left, he was not my president.
Okay, there you go.
I know it's depressing, right?
It is super depressing.
I was afraid you guys had all walked out while I was playing that video.
He left me refused to declare Flint a FEMA emergency, so he denied Flint the funding he needed to fix.
He could have done it at the stroke of a pen.
He could have just invoked this as an emergency because they did it for other cities in America when the city was poisoned before.
They declared it an emergency and they gave everybody Medicare for all.
He could have did that for Flint, but he fucking didn't.
Why didn't he do that?
Who told him not to fucking do that?
Was it Citibank?
It was Citibank who told him not to do that.
Barack Obama is a fucking Citibank tool to the day he dies and certainly to the day you die.
Wait a minute.
I don't understand.
I thought Barack Obama and Michelle Obama were the couple of Chicago.
I saw the picture on the side of a building.
What's wrong with you?
I saw it.
I was coming on the Ohio Street exit and I was like, oh my God, there they are.
They're the people that...
I voted for Barack Obama twice like a fucking idiot because I thought he was different than Mitt Romney.
And it turns out he was not different than Mitt Romney.
He was Mitt Romney.
When Barack Obama got elected, he kicked 5.1 million families out of their house in a similar situation that we are into right now.
That's who Barack Obama and Joe Biden are.
They deported more Mexicans than the entire every president since 1890.
They built those fucking cages that those people are still in today under Joe Biden.
Twice as many than under Donald Trump.
That's who you're fucking dealing with.
The guy who smiles at you and fucks you twice as hard than the guy who calls you an asshole.
That's what we're dealing with.
Barack Obama, your fucking enemy.
And you know what?
Barack Obama dropped more bombs than George Bush.
Deal with fucking that.
Barack Obama has a torture facility that he didn't close down.
Barack Obama was the one who tortured Chelsea Manning.
That's what fucking Barack Obama's legacy is.
Prosecuting journalists, torturing whistleblowers, and fucking everybody out of health care.
That's Barack Obama while propping up Wall Street and the military-industrial complex.
And you know, I want to add that Joe Biden told all of us that nothing will fundamentally change.
Thank you.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hello, Jimmy Door.
It's me.
Oh.
What?
Bernie Sanders?
No, it's Prince.
For some squiggly simple shit.
And I've come back from the dirt to sing about some more purple shit.
Of course it's Bernie Sanders.
Is this what I have to deal with now?
It's bad enough trying to talk to Joe Biden, but now this.
I apologize, Bernie.
I was just trying to be nice, pal.
By acting like you don't recognize the most recognizable voice in America, you wouldn't do that to Gilbert Godfrey, I bet.
you wouldn't have the guts.
Okay, I'm sorry, Bernie.
I was just trying to make conversation.
Well, how about you make this, my friend?
You are now talking to the most pragmatical progressive in the movement for pragmatic progressivism, or PP Join us, Jimmy.
What Democrats want is for the rest of us to enter their big tent and swing our big pee-pee around.
No, that doesn't sound right, Bernie.
Are you sure PP is a good name for this?
Okay, instead of pragmatic progressive, how about moderate progressive?
Who doesn't like an MP?
MP sounds like military police.
What the hell is wrong with that?
Well, you're not one of these defund the military police nuts, are you?
Jim Cliberton wouldn't like that.
Yeah, I just don't think progressives should be approving the biggest war budget in human history while Americans face evictions and lose their health care.
Well, okay, I'll just say just about that.
You do not know the discussions Joe Biden has with people who walk into his office.
It's wrong to assume he's not doing anything he promised to do just because he's not doing anything he promised to do.
Yeah, could it be?
But I'm with PPP now.
Is this the beginning of a new party, Bernie?
Yes, within the Democratic Party.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zamarano, Jim Earl, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
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