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Aug. 27, 2020 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:04:07
20200827_TJDS_20200827_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, Doug, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hello, Jimmy.
This is Mike Poppeo.
Who?
Secretary of State, Mike Poppeo.
You know who this is.
Quit trying to get me to say my name over and over because you think it's funny.
*laughter*
No, Mr. Secretary, I would never.
Poppeo.
What?
I figured I'd give you one.
I'm feeling generous.
Oh, well, why is that?
Jimmy, will you spend a day walking in the footsteps of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior?
Knowing full well the sacrifice he made for humanity, let's just say it's a humbling experience and fills you with magnanimous spirit and a love for humanity, except for Palestinians.
Jesus.
Mr. Secretary, some people have raised concerns that you mix personal and state purposes on your trips, and in this particular one, that you are adopting a very personally religious tone.
Jimmy, I am a Christian.
Last time I checked, that is perfectly allowed.
So there is nothing wrong with me saying that or that Christianity is the one true faith.
Really?
On a state trip to Jerusalem?
I think that's the best place to do so.
In God's city, the capital city of God's nation of Israel, Israel.
I pronounce it the Christmas Carol way because I'm a Christian.
Jerusalem is not the capital of Israel, and Donald Trump saying it doesn't make it so.
Jerusalem is the capital of Israel because God says so, Jimmy.
That's the official position of the U.S. State Department.
Donald Trump, he just has God's back.
God's back.
I find this mixture of religion and policy extremely unsettling, Secretary.
Well, Jimmy, I'm sorry, but that's how it is.
My hands are tied.
How is that?
Well, people are saying that the GOP 2024 nomination will be either me or Nikki Haley.
So I need to start doing everything I can now to get an edge on her.
So, you know, now whatever wreckage will be left of the Republican Party will be dominated by the evangelicals.
Their vote will continue to be of prime importance.
I see.
And unfortunately, Nikki has a very strong record on Israel, like big time.
Friends with Phoebe, kills at AIPAC conferences, a real rising star of David, if you will.
So I have some catching up to do.
And aside from pursuing a hawkish Israel policy, I'll contrast myself to her by proclaiming my own Christian faith.
But Nikki Haley is also Christian.
Yeah, but, You know, she converted and she is Indian, so that seems foreign and therefore, you know, not Christian.
Well, I'm sorry to tell you, Mr. Secretary, but Christian does not equal white.
Well, yeah, I know that.
You know that, but who are we talking about?
Trump voters.
Come on, then.
So, anyway, yeah, I'll put it some real 3D chess here, not gonna lie.
I see.
Yeah, so I'm hanging out here in Israel, praying and shit.
And it's good to be here while they're hammering the fuck out of Gaza.
Very good look for me.
Great as shit.
Exactly.
And why are jet fighters bobbing Gaza again?
Well, the citizens of Gaza saw fit to attack Israel with fire balloons.
A fire balloon?
What even is that?
Was anyone hurt?
No, but.
Jesus.
No.
No.
But if someone lights a balloon on fire and lets it float slowly towards your country, you attack them with fighter jets.
I don't see the confusion here.
It's simple statecraft.
Okay, okay.
Anyway, I gotta get going, Jimmy.
Tonight, I have my third introduction to Mr. Net Yahoo, which is a foot rub.
And apparently, if you choose the wrong aromatic oils, there will not be a fourth.
so I've got some very careful research to do.
Papel!
Hi everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore Show.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Hey, I didn't think I could take a second Republican convention after watching the one last week.
But in case you missed it, here are some of the highlights.
First of all, I remember Green Acres being a lot funnier than this.
After watching Melania's speech, I have to admit, this truly was the moment she became the paid escort of the President of the United States.
Apparently, she plagiarized her speech from the Democratic platform because there was nothing in it.
The saddest thing about the Republican convention was when each speaker accused Joe Biden and Kamala Harris of wanting to defund the police and give Americans socialized medicine because they're wrong.
Hey, somebody asked me when I was going to give it a rest bashing Democrats.
My answer?
When Democrats give it a rest acting like Republicans.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
We got rapper Ice Cube understands how politics actually works and demands something for his vote.
Kamala Harris proclaims she's protecting children's.
children but in truth Kamala Harris concealed documents of Catholic child abusers Joe Biden's big donors cash in on human suffering and the Simpsons producer tries to bully and voter shame voters he gets immediately owned plus phone calls from Barack Obama Joe Biden Herman Kane and Mike I'm Palo.
Plus a lot lot more.
That's today at the Jimmy Door Show.
If you are active on social media, there's a phenomena happening where blue check Hollywood types keep voter shaming people who don't want to vote for Joe Biden because Joe Biden isn't offering them anything to help make their lives better.
So what they won't do is pressure, what they will do is voter shame, say things like, oh, for those not willing to vote for Kamala Harris because she's not perfect, I guess you don't care about poor black and brown people.
Even though, so what they won't do is they won't say, hey, why doesn't Joe Biden offer health care to people in the middle of a pandemic so he can make sure he wins this election?
Hey, why doesn't Joe Biden vow to end these wars so he can win this election?
Hey, why doesn't Joe Biden vow to give people a job so he can win this election?
Hey, why doesn't Joe Biden do something?
Why doesn't Joe Biden make marijuana legal so we can empty the prisons?
Why does it just ever do that?
This is the, oh, I don't know.
I haven't lived in other countries, but I've never heard of this happening.
Even when did this start in this country?
It started with Hillary Clinton, that you have to vote.
You owe your vote to somebody because the other person is horrible.
That's not how politics works.
And so I don't understand.
Well, I do understand because they're not critical thinkers.
They're not deep thinkers.
And their life is okay.
The Hollywood blue check people are telling you to vote for Joe Biden because they don't have a problem that Joe Biden can fix.
But now guess what?
SAG AFTRA, that's the unions for actors.
SAG and AFTRA announces changes to health plan and members object.
So that's Screen Actors Guild and Associated Federal Radio Artists.
But I'm in both of those.
The SAG AFTRA health plan announced on August 12th that it would be making major changes to its health plan that currently covers 33,000 members plus 32,000 of their family members.
The changes, which include an increase on the earnings minimum in order to qualify for health coverage.
So you have to make a certain amount of money just before you can get health care in America.
You have to be successful enough.
You have to get enough acting gigs, which as everyone knows, it's a hot and cold business with acting.
Sometimes you get job after job after job, and then sometimes you go a year or a half year or a year without getting a job.
That's how acting works, but you're always auditioning, always working.
And now they just raise the amount of money you have to make every year acting to get, to be able to see a doctor when you get sick.
But nobody's acting.
But nobody's acting right now.
They shut down all the acting.
It almost is like SAG AFTRA and this healthcare system is fucking nefarious and oppressive.
And like, who in the fuck would ever design this as a healthcare system?
When times get tough, you lose your health care Joe Biden would design this.
Premiums will also increase with $375 per quarter for one participant and $531 per quarter for one participant and a dependent and $747 per quarter for one participant and two more dependents.
And that should be pretty easy to pay when you're out of work.
And if a participant spouse has health insurance offered by their employer, they will not be eligible for coverage under the SAG AFTRA healthcare plan.
You know, because there are a lot of people that are able to maintain their jobs right now.
Nobody's losing their job during a pandemic.
In addition, retirees will no longer be covered unless they meet the $25,950 income threshold.
Holy shit.
Yep.
Residuals do not count towards the income threshold.
How is this?
Residuals don't count.
Shocked, hurt, and angry.
SAG AFTRA health plan overhaul spotlights broken U.S. system.
So how many of you guys who voted for Warren still stand behind that call?
How many of you blue check Hollywood motherfuckers who didn't back Bernie Sanders and real Medicare for all?
First they came for the socialists and I did not speak out because I didn't want to piss off my management.
Here's Ellen Barkin.
Ellen Barkin.
I can't believe my union just took away our health insurance in the dark in the middle of a pandemic.
Shame on you, SAG AFTRA.
Shame on you.
Ellen Barkin is worth $100 million.
So Ryan Knight tweets out shameful, but it shows that even Hollywood actors need Medicare for all.
People are telling her, please support Medicare for all.
Healthcare shouldn't be tied to employment.
We need Medicare for all.
Imagine the self-employed middle-class Americans that don't have any insurance and can't afford to pay for it ourselves and live on.
Chin up, you still have access to health care, according to the Democrats.
If only there was a presidential nominee who supported health care for all people.
How do you, the blue check celebrities who trust Medicare for all and Bernie Sanders feel about SAG-AFTRA canceling the union health insurance that Joe Biden promised to fight to protect?
Seems criminal and corrupt.
We are a union and this was done unethically and we want real answers.
This is Rosanna Arquette.
This is during a pandemic.
Who negotiated this?
The Trump administration?
No, probably the Biden administration, Rosanna, who's still denying people health care.
That's the answer.
That's the solution to this.
So now you care about health care because it fucking affects you.
But you didn't care before.
You weren't yelling at, you're still not yelling at Joe Biden to give everybody Medicare for all, are you?
You just care about your own because you're really a fucking Republican and you can only understand a problem if it affects you personally.
So this is what I said.
So now the corruption of the Democratic Party is directly affecting blue check Hollywood millionaires.
Maybe now instead of voter shaming poor people, they will try to pressure Joe Biden and Democratic politicians to offer them Medicare for all like the rest of the world.
It's just anyway.
I can't believe they took away our health care.
Now, let me use my platform to shame anybody not supporting the guy who would support Medicare for all, despite over 80% of his base being whatever.
Watch this.
This is Joe Biden.
It's no secret that I support Medicare for all.
I don't.
And that I endorsed Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders in the primary.
Both good people.
But you won the nomination, and I respect that, and I am fully committed to beating Donald Trump.
I know that.
Throughout the Democratic primary, you made clear your opposition to single-payer, Medicare for all, and you have won the nomination.
But in recent months, 20 million Americans have lost their jobs, and many have lost their health insurance with it.
Democrats overwhelmingly support Medicare for all.
Hope you understand this issue is personal for me.
This isn't abstract or theoretical.
When I say I'm a Medicare for all advocate, I hope you understand it's because I've spent hours on hold with my insurance companies when they won't cover the cost of my care.
It's because I've had to sue insurance companies when they tell me I need to pay thousands of dollars out of my own pocket for the cost of full-time care.
And I have a great private insurance plan.
I understand what you are saying about keeping private plans, but I guess my question is: what does preserving private insurance really do for people?
It depends on the plan.
Look, you know what my bills were for my hospitalization for $280,000.
I get it, man.
Yeah, and you still won't fix the problem.
Why?
Because you are corrupt and a criminal.
That's why, Joe Biden, you get it.
It's happened to me.
And I'm so corrupt.
I so lack even a shred of integrity and dignity that I won't help you right to your fucking face.
And I know everybody in Hollywood is going to tell you to vote for me, even as I sit here today and tell you go bounce sand.
Barack Obama gave me money so I could pay my medical bills.
I'm not new to this.
I'm not where you are.
But I get it.
I fully get it.
The cost of my son were well over a million dollars.
And where'd you get the money to pay for that?
Did you get it from your insurance company?
No.
That's why we have to do the additional things, like making sure that home health care is covered.
Jimmy, he said it with a pen so you knew like what you're saying is serious.
I get it.
And I'm not going to fucking fix it.
I get it's broken.
But the guys who pay me money and run this whole party, they want you to stay without this thing.
And so you're not getting it.
I do get it, Joe.
You're corrupt.
You're a Piece of shit who's standing in between Americans and healthcare for the profit of greedy oligarchs.
You're a rapacious fuck.
And you're not the solution to our problems.
You're a bigger problem than Donald Trump.
Because the left will go exactly to sleep when you become president, just like they did when Barack Obama was president.
I wish the Democrats would at the very least lie to me and say we'll give you health care and monthly checks.
Give me a reason to be gullible dumbass and vote for you, Joe Biden.
They won't even do that.
Jake Flores says, I think if you live in a swing state, you should probably vote for Biden, but you should never ever tell these motherfuckers that you're going to.
Keep them guessing until election day because as soon as you tell them, then they'll stop listening to your demands.
And it's that a fourth grader knows this, but he has to tell you idiots this.
I see one more blue check millionaire asshole fucking ex-friend of mine on Twitter.
Fucking talk about how much they care about poor black and brown people.
Virtue signal.
Virtue signal.
Virtue signal.
It's no fun.
It just goes to show you Hitler did not have that hard of a time getting people to go along with bullshit.
People will willingly, people will tell you, don't ask things of politicians.
People will shame you for demanding shit from your politicians that the rest of the world takes for fucking granted.
Hey, Joe Biden's calling me.
Hello?
Hey, it's Joe.
Look, last month, the Trump campaign out fundraised us.
We can't let it happen again.
So give me some cash, Nash.
It's my time's up here, so I'll let you talk now.
Joe, you and Barack Obama militarize the police.
Do you accept any responsibility for the police shootings like in Kenosha?
All right, look.
I shouldn't have said that you ain't black thing.
But there's a fundamental difference between me and Trump on race.
Firstly, I've been doing racist shit longer, so I know how to dismantle it better.
You gotta trust me.
Why?
Oh, come on, man.
Wisconsin has been investigating it.
The bad fizzle-fizzle, all right?
You know, here's the thing: don't defund more funds.
Get it?
Could you explain?
We're not gonna.
I mean, Tamil and I, we're not gonna deny it to fund the police.
So don't go there.
We need to more assist them with more assistance and money.
100 million more of it.
Why?
Because all these police shooting investigations are expensive.
And no, I'm fine.
I mean, yes, I'm fine.
That's what your plan to stop systemic racism and police brutality is?
Look, read it.
Go to joebiden.com.ampersand backslash percentage sign.
It's right up there.
I don't got to explain this to you.
It's just the thing with the love and the caring.
Oh, lady.
Read what?
My first statement about that poor guy, Robert Blake, who was involved in a tragic shooting outside that Italian restaurant in Hollywood.
No, no, not Robert Blake, Jacob Blake in Kenosha.
No, Kenosha.
I know, man.
I hear you.
I feel your pain.
Empathy is where it's at, man.
We all about on my web thing.
And while you're there, donate a thousand bucks so my 40 billionaire donors won't feel so lonely.
They're people, too, and they're lonely.
What's the Kenosha police version?
Blake was calmly walking back to his car when at close range, he suddenly backed into seven bullets.
So far, it appears to be excessive use of force.
I haven't seen all tape.
I mean, he could have provoked it by using bad language.
And what's your official statement on it?
Gotta have to be a full and transparent investigation by an independent civilian review board.
Oh, come on, man.
I got that man's back.
Those shots pierced the soul of our nation.
Jill and I sent he and those officers our prayers during this trying time.
You said you're going to dismantle systemic racism, Joe.
How?
We must dismantle systemic racism.
We will do it.
Listen to me.
It is the urgent task before us.
Listen to my wife, Jill.
She's a doctor.
Dismantle.
By defunding the police?
If you think that, why don't you go vote for the other guy?
Common and I will say it again.
Don't defund more fund.
Don't eliminate more.
It's not me and aid, it's your innate.
Do you have any words for Democrats now over that the convention's over?
Come on, guys, leave Ellen alone.
Ice Cube, the rapper is a blue check, but he gets it.
The way it looks, they don't have a plan.
Everybody's, you know, talking about get Trump out, get Trump out, get Trump out.
If you vote, that's gonna happen on the first day.
So now what?
Trump out now.
What?
What?
That's gonna happen on the first day.
Now what?
That's perfectly put.
We gotta get Trump out.
That's gonna happen on the first day.
Now what?
On the first day.
So now what?
Trump out.
Now what?
What?
What do we get in the first hundred days?
That's what we're trying to figure out.
What do we actually get that they could give us overnight like that?
They just pulled $3 trillion out their ass and gave it to their friends.
That's American taxpayer money.
That's your money that they just gave away.
And then there's half 42% of black businesses closing.
None of that money.
Where's our fucking bailout?
Where's the bell out?
Not the PPP loan that they didn't give us.
Where's the bailout?
I don't want to hear about deficit.
I don't want to hear about what our generations are going to have to pay.
Because if we don't have shit, they ain't going to have shit anyway to pay nothing.
So we got to start something right now.
Democrats don't seem like they got a plan.
Republicans don't seem like they got a plan for us.
So how the hell are you going to vote for them?
Make them earn that vote.
They can start today.
They ain't got it yet.
They can start today.
Make their ass earn that vote, man.
Stop playing with these people and they'll stop playing with you.
Ice Cube laying it down.
I think he's been watching the Jimmy Door show.
Didn't that sound like he's been watching a Jimmy Door show?
I'd like to think so.
Sounded like he's been watching the Jimmy Door show.
Hey, Ice Cube, if you're watching it now, please join us for the People's Party convention this Sunday.
That's this Sunday, baby.
How can you see it?
You can see it right on this channel.
So we're going to be broadcasting it right at this channel.
So there's going to be, you know, it's going to be obviously an online convention.
Cornell West, Nina Turner, Marianne Williamson, Mike Gravelle, Mike Gravelle, lots of other people.
Ryan Knight.
Ryan Knight, lots of other people, yes.
I think there's one more.
I'm not.
I think if it's anyway, I wrote, here he is.
I wrote the damn bill.
There's Joe Biden, 1994 crime bill, mass incarceration, more prisons, longer sentencing, escalate war on drugs, and targeted African Americans.
And he even said in that crime bill, we do everything except hang you for jaywalking.
He was proud of it.
And he didn't carry, we had to build more prisons.
And that's why we have the world's biggest, we're the world's biggest penal colony.
We have slave labor inside of our prison industrial complex.
That's the guy.
So you get out rid of Trump.
Then that's the guy.
Wow.
Let's listen to Ice Cube one more time.
Should we listen to it one more time?
Let's listen to it one more time.
The way it looks, they don't have a plan.
Everybody's, you know, talking about get Trump out, get Trump out, get Trump out.
If you vote, that's going to happen on the first day.
So now, what?
Trump out.
Now what?
What?
What do we get in the first hundred days?
That's what we're trying to figure out.
What do we actually get that they could give us overnight like that?
They just pulled $3 trillion out their ass and gave it to their friends.
That's American taxpayer money.
That's your money that they just gave away.
And then there's half 42% of black businesses closing.
None of that money.
Where's our fucking bailout?
Where's the bell out?
Not the PPP loan that they didn't give us.
Where's the bailout?
I don't want to hear about deficit.
I don't want to hear about what our generations are going to have to pay.
Because if we don't have shit, they ain't going to have shit anyway to pay nothing.
So we got to start something right now.
Democrats don't seem like they got a plan.
Republicans don't seem like they got a plan for us.
So how the hell are you going to vote for them?
Make them earn that vote.
They can start today.
They ain't got it yet.
They can start today.
Make their ass earn that vote, man.
Stop playing with these people and they'll stop playing with you.
Stop playing with these people and they'll stop playing with you.
And how do you stop playing with them?
Well, as Lawrence O'Donnell told us, if you want to pull the party, the major party that is closest to the way you're thinking to what you're thinking, you must, you must show them that you're capable of not voting for them.
If you don't show them you're capable of not voting for them, they don't have to listen to you.
I promise you that.
I worked within the Democratic Party.
I didn't listen or have to listen to anything on the left while I was working in the Democratic Party because the left had nowhere to go.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show: you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week, and it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to jimmydoorcomedy.com, clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business, and it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
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We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
Oh no, Herman Kane's calling me again from the grave.
Hello.
This is Herman Kane.
Where the heck am I?
What time is it?
And what's that noise I keep hearing?
Herman, we went through this last week.
You're dead.
I am not.
Yes, Herman, you are.
But that could be.
I should be at the Republican convention.
What the heck happened?
I told you, you can't be at the Republican convention.
You're dead.
I am?
Yes.
But what in the heck happened?
You didn't wear a mask, Herman.
You Died 26 days ago.
Oh, that can't be true.
Have you seen my Twitter page?
I'm still tweeting.
I'm alive.
Check out this one I just posted.
Kamala Harris has a ton of baggage and a political glass jaw.
That's me, Herman Kane.
Okay, but maybe other people are posting those.
I'm Herman Kane.
No one could do Herman Kane but Herman Kane.
That jack guy at Twitter would never allow Herman Kane imposters on my page.
It's just not done.
I've had it up to here with all you liberals eating your sissy pizzas telling Herman Kane he's not alive anymore.
If Bernie Sanders had implemented Medicare for all, I'd be dead by now.
But you are!
But why?
There was a big funeral for you in Atlanta and everything.
Were they wearing masks?
Yes.
You see, that wasn't me.
I'm not dead.
I'm just fed up.
Okay, then why aren't you going to appear at the Republican convention?
I was ready for the gotcha questions, and they're already starting to come.
Why don't you ask me who's president of Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, Biggie Standing in?
Herman, don't you think if you're still alive, they'd have you speak at the convention?
I'm confused.
I got all this stuff twirling around in my head.
Look around you.
Tell me what you see.
I see the Where's the Beef Lady and Billy Mays.
The Oxley Clean guy?
Yes.
What's he doing?
He's trying to sell her the Ding King, a debt repairing device.
Hey, Billy, give me one of those Dinkings and some cocaine.
I miss him.
Barack Obama gave a speech at the Democratic National Convention.
I don't know if you saw it.
But Barack Obama is the supreme gaslighting, bullshitting Manchurian candidate of all time.
Of all time.
People thought Reagan was good.
Barack Obama.
Oh, such a company man.
Such a corporate, willing corporate tool.
And he follows the edict of you can never prosecute powerful people.
And so here he was taking shots at Trump.
Right here we go.
What I know about Joe, what I know about Kamala is that they actually care about every American.
I mean, how do you just even he doesn't believe it?
Look at him.
Even look at him even here doesn't believe it.
He's like, boy, that's some bullshit.
Joe Biden cares so much about every American.
He made it harder for them when they got sick and went bankrupt.
That's what a good guy Joe Biden is.
He made it harder for people when they were in dire straits.
And Barack Obama is doing his sincere voice, the fake acti voice, the Joe really loves you.
That's when Barack Obama is trying to get in your pants voice.
Oh, baby, man, you're the most beautiful.
I really love you.
That's why he keeps pausing, because he knows he's got nothing to say.
I know that they care about all Americans.
And I hope that you know that I am making this shit up.
Democracy.
In the immediate aftermath of 9-11, we did some things that were wrong.
We did a whole lot of things that were right, but we tortured some folks.
We did some things that were...
Like what?
Could you name one thing?
I'm going to guess no.
Did a lot of things right.
You know, the Iraq war, having the cops infiltrate Muslim organizations and mosques, you know, repealing habeas corpus, the Patriot Act, suspending the completely breaking the Fourth Amendment, turning America into a surveillance state.
You know, we did a lot of things right.
Opened Guantanamo Bay, developed a torture program worldwide, started doing, what was it called?
Renditions.
What's the word?
Anyway, we did nothing right after 9-11.
Nothing.
We're still in Afghanistan 20 years later, Asswipe.
Your whole presidency, we stayed in Afghanistan the whole time.
Why?
Because he was told to.
You think he thought it was good strategy to keep us in Afghanistan?
He was told to by the people he takes orders from.
Are you saying extraordinary rendition?
Extraordinary rendition is exactly right.
Contrary to our values.
I understand why it happened.
I think it's important when we look back to recall how afraid people were after the Twin Towers fell and the Pentagon had been hit and the plane in Pennsylvania had fallen and people did not know whether more attacks were imminent.
And there was enormous pressure on our law enforcement and our national security teams to try to deal with this.
Working hard under enormous pressure and are real patriots.
But having said all that, we did some things that were wrong.
We tortured some folks.
And that's what that report reflects.
And that's the reason why after and when we engaged in some of these enhanced interrogation techniques.
Enhanced.
See, that's my favorite.
Enhanced interrogation technique.
Enhanced?
It sounds like it's nice.
Are you going to turn on some mood music and some track lighting?
No, we're going to hook your balls up to a car battery and then take turns drowning you.
Oh, that I'll just take the regular.
Don't make a fuss out of me.
I'll crack like enhanced interrogation tech, enhanced techniques that I believe, and I think any fair-minded person would believe, were torture.
We crossed the line.
And that needs to be.
I like the tone.
We crossed the line.
And not like we, there was a torture program, and these animals, these subhumans, will be made an example of.
We're supposed to be better than our enemies, not worse.
You're supposed to have values, and you're supposed to practice them when the chips are down.
That's why they're values.
And as Jon Stewart pointed out, if you don't follow your values when things are hardest, then they're not values.
They're hobbies.
That's the tone he should have.
But he's like, you know, we had a worldwide torture program.
That needs to be understood and accepted.
So you know what it doesn't need to be?
I guess prosecuted.
He had a worldwide torture program that needs to be understood, not prosecuted, not prosecuted.
Isn't that interesting?
Techniques that I believe any fair-minded person would believe were torture.
We crossed the line.
And that needs to be understood and accepted.
That needs to be understood.
Not prosecuted.
Isn't that interesting?
We crossed the line, and that needs to be understood.
Not prosecuted.
Isn't that interesting?
That needs to be understood.
Now, keep in mind what he's talking about are the worst crimes you could commit.
Crimes against humanity.
These are war crimes, torture, depraved indifference.
He's talking about the worst crimes in the world.
Inside of a theater where you are allowed to shoot someone in the head and it's legal, they found a way to do something criminal.
Those are the crimes he's talking about.
The depraved indifference.
And what are we supposed to do about them?
Believe we're torture.
We crossed the line.
And that needs to be.
Prosecuted?
That needs to be prosecuted?
That needs to be understood and accepted.
And accept it.
Just accept it.
He's trying to say we need to accept that we did this, but there are no consequences for us accepting that we did this, right?
So it's easy to accept something that you did if there's no consequence, right?
Exactly.
And we have to, as a country, take responsibility for that.
As a country, why would he say that?
Because if you have to take responsibility for something as a country, that means no one has to take responsibility for it.
If we all take responsibility for it, no one's guilty.
We all have to take responsibility.
You can't put everybody in jail, can you?
How about we just put the people in jail who Did it, and then we'll all still take responsibility.
No, no one goes to jail, no prosecutions, but lip service, we all, this crazy fealty to justice that we all, what the fuck so that hopefully we don't do it again in the you know how you make you know how you make sure you did we don't do it again hopefully so hopefully you know why he has to say hopefully because he knows it's going to happen if it's not already still happening why
Why?
Because the reason why you prosecute a crime is as a deterrent.
And when you don't prosecute a crime, you are guaranteeing it is going to continue.
So now let's go back to him.
Here we go.
What I know about Joe, what I know about Kamala, is that they actually care about every American.
And that they care deeply about this democracy.
They believe that no one, including the president, is above the law.
So this is very popular to say right now.
But I don't know if you watched that video I just saw.
That was Barack Obama using the most tortured logic to not prosecute the worst crimes a human being can commit.
The worst crimes human beings can commit.
They did it under the official sanction of the government.
And Barack Obama did not prosecute them.
On purpose.
But right now, he's puffing up his chest to act like they give a shit about the rule of law and that even a president is above the law.
Well, you know goddamn well presidents are above the law.
You know goddamn well presidents are above the law.
You know George Bush and Dick Cheney are both war criminals.
You know that.
You know Colin Powell's a war criminal.
Of course they're above the law.
All the people who did the torture program are above.
Those presidents were above the law.
By the way, Barack Obama, you're a war criminal.
90% of your drone program killed innocent civilians.
You killed an American citizens overseas extrajudiciously.
Without a trial.
A child.
You are a war criminal.
You did Yemen.
You supplied arms and money to ISIS.
You tried to do Syria.
You did Libya.
He is a fucking war criminal to the 10th power.
He's done more war criming than Trump.
And this guy's going to talk about nobody's above the law.
He's above the law.
He's a war criminal.
Joe Biden is also.
So is Nancy Pelosi.
So is George Bush.
And so is Dick Cheney.
So is Colin Powell.
The guy who just endorsed Joe Biden.
These guys are all criminals.
Of the highest order.
And that no public official.
Including the president.
Should use their office.
To enrich themselves.
Or their supporters.
Barack Obama now lives in a 48 acre.
Vineyard estate that he bought from the guy, I think, who used to own the Boston Celtics.
Check me on that.
48-acre, 49-acre?
Look, look it up.
Is it 49-acre?
Martha's Vineyard Estate.
Not one acre.
Boy, that's a big piece of property.
We got a whole acre.
Nearly 30 acres.
No, it's 30 acres.
Yes, that's what I see here.
You see 30?
I read 48 acres.
Oh.
But maybe I'll go with the logo.
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.
30-acre Martha Vineyard Estate.
How can you be happy there?
You're not supposed to enrich yourself.
So that's just straight up bullshit gaslighting of the highest order.
There is no bigger fucking lying, gaslighting Manchurian candidate in the world than Barack Hussein Obama.
The black Santa Claus is a fraud.
He's a thousand.
He's why you got Donald Trump, you fucking morons.
This is why.
Because he gave you a right-wing health care plan.
Because he took us from two wars to seven instead of the other way.
He made the banks bigger while he kicked 5.1 million families out of their fucking house in the last economic crisis while doing nothing for people.
He did nothing for Occupy Wall Street.
He let people crack their cops, crack their heads.
Did nothing for Dapple, did nothing for anybody except big pharma, health insurance, the military industrial.
He did Libya.
He tried to do Syria.
He dropped so many bombs that the military ran out of bombs under Barack Obama.
You know, he dropped more bombs than George Bush.
This guy's a straight-up war criminal.
His drone program killed 90% civilians.
He killed an American citizen without a trial in another country on purpose who was a child.
And then they joked about it.
And this is the guy who's going to fucking tell you that nobody's above the law.
He's not only himself above the law, but he was the one who facilitated George Bush and all the torturers for being above the law.
He did it personally.
In the immediate aftermath of 9-11, we did some things that were wrong.
We did a whole lot of things that were right, but we tortured some folks.
And I'm not going to prosecute those people, but I will give a grandstanding, bullshitting, gaslighting speech in eight years to keep people voting for their fucking oppressors, just like Barack Obama was.
The most popular question on your own website is related to this on change.gov.
It comes from Bob Furtick of New York City, and he asks: Will you appoint a special prosecutor, ideally Patrick Fitzgerald, to independently investigate the gravest crimes of the Bush administration, including torture and warrantless wiretapping?
We're still evaluating how we are going to approach the whole issue of interrogations, detentions, and so forth.
And obviously, we're going to be looking at past practices.
And I don't believe that anybody is above the law.
On the other hand, I also have a belief that we need to look forward as opposed to looking backwards.
Boy, that's Barack Obama's way of saying no.
That's how he says he took the longest way possible to say, no, I'm not going to appoint a special prosecutor to prosecute torturers and war criminals.
No.
Why?
Because he's looking forward.
He doesn't want to look back.
All those torture crimes happened in the past, and Barack Obama's looking towards the future.
Doesn't that make you feel better to know that all your past crimes aren't prosecutable?
Isn't that nice to know?
I bet all those people in prison are pissed off.
They committed their crimes in the future.
Thank you.
And there's George Stephanopoulos.
Like, whoa, that's a good one.
Looking towards the future.
Because all the crimes, those crimes happened in the past, put a positive spin on overlooking war criminals, not holding people accountable because they're powerful.
Wow.
He's just like, you can see this kid's a genius.
No wonder he beat Hillary Clinton.
That's what he's thinking.
Hey, should we do something about the past administration's war crimes?
Nah, let's not get caught up in the day-to-day politics, huh?
A mistake Obama made was not investigating, prosecuting, and legislatively correcting the Bush administration's crimes of torture, no-bid contracts, stop-loss conscription, Cheney arguing he was above the law, etc.
It showed the GOP that they can do this and get away scot-free.
Can I just tell that I, first of all, I love that.
That's why I'm showing this tweet.
That's very a lot of good stuff in there, but can I just correct one thing?
It was not a mistake that Barack Obama made by not investigating, prosecuting, and legislatively correcting the Bush administration's crimes.
That was not a mistake.
A mistake is when you forget to put a stamp on a letter.
That's a mistake.
This was a conscious choice that Barack Obama made that all presidents make not to prosecute their predecessors because they don't want to be prosecuted when they leave office.
So they want to make sure we're all above the law.
That's what Barack Obama wanted.
Believe me, they're not going to prosecute Donald Trump.
If Joe Biden's president, the last thing they're going to do is prosecute Donald Trump.
They're definitely above the law.
And what they're doing is bullshitting you so they can get you to vote for your oppressor.
How about instead of continuing and expanding the Bush 43 wars, Barack Obama and Joe Biden could have prosecuted Bush 43 and his administration for war crimes.
Presidents were not meant to be above the law or immune from consequences.
Agreed.
And Barack Obama will tell you the same thing as he doesn't prosecute war criminals and makes sure he's not prosecuted.
We know because we've seen what you've had to say on the subject.
Now, this is an interview from 2010.
So, Barack Obama has barely been president for two years.
Watch this.
How do you regard Bush and Blair's record in the Middle East?
Do you think Obama's no better?
Anyway, he's worse.
I've been writing about it.
I started writing about it before the election.
Why is he worse?
Well, should we go through the details?
I like how the reporter laughs.
He doesn't go, fuck, this guy who's obviously way smarter than me just said something that sounds ridiculous to me.
So I guess I should investigate this instead of laughing at it.
You're obviously interviewing him because he's one of the leading intellectuals in the fucking world.
Notice that this is the Nuremberg principles, not the trials.
But Obama would fare no better were those principles applied to him.
No, he's carrying out a major war in Afghanistan.
He's supporting, he's directly, I mean, he's directly involved in aggressive and criminal actions carried out by Israel, for example.
He's only been in office for two years, so he hasn't a chance to invade anyone yet.
But his record is quite consistent with what's happened before.
And after that, so he was already worse, according to Chomsky, in many ways.
That was before Barack Obama did Libya, turned Libya, the most successful state in Africa, into a failed state with open slave markets.
Barack Obama did that.
He ruined another country.
You know how they did 9-11 in New York?
He did that every day for a couple years in Libya.
That's what Barack Obama did to Libya.
Then he went on to do Syria.
Tried to do another illegal war.
And how did he do it?
By funding ISIS-A-Qaeda terrorists to overthrow a sovereign state.
Barack Obama also went on to have a drop program that killed 90% innocent civilians.
That's just off the top of my head, the stuff that Barack Obama went on to do.
Drop more bombs than George Bush dropped so many bombs, they ran out of bombs.
The Obama administration may be guilty of war crimes.
Maybe guilty of war crimes?
I guess it just depends on your definition of guilty.
American officials could be prosecuted for war crimes in Yemen.
They won't, but you know, if this was a rational society or something, it could happen.
Yeah, that was before Barack Obama did Yemen.
Democrats can't win until they recognize how bad Obama's financial policies were.
That's from the Washington Post.
And considering most Democrats still think he walks on water, I won't hold my breath for this to happen.
People still think he's FDR instead of what he was.
Ronald fucking Reagan 2.0.
Thanks to Obama bailouts and Trump tax cuts, five largest U.S. banks have raked in $583 billion since the 2008 crash.
With no jail time for executives and half a trillion dollars in post-crisis profits, the big banks have made out like bandits during the post-crash period.
And we didn't even need a pandemic for that one, suckers.
So here's Barack Obama talking to young people.
To the young people who led us this summer, telling us we need to be better?
Haha, suckers.
In so many ways, you are this country's dreams fulfilled.
Okay, they're the country's dreams fulfilled.
So the goal of the United States was to have an entire generations of people that know nothing but recession, have few job prospects, will likely face crippling debt, and are protesting and striking for their very survival.
That's not a dream, Barack Obama.
That's a goddamn nightmare.
To the young people who led us this summer, telling us we need to be better.
In so many ways, you are this country's dreams fulfilled.
Earlier generations had to be persuaded that everyone has equal worth.
For you, it's a given, a conviction.
And what I want you to know is that we decided, my generation, to be so incredibly shitty that you guys had to pay attention.
Vote blue.
That for all its messiness and frustrations, your system of self-government can be harnessed to help you realize those convictions.
What in the fuck is he talking about?
What self-government have we harmed?
So he's pretending still that politicians represent the people who vote for them, even though it's been scientifically proven we live in an oligarchy.
You don't live in a democracy.
It's already been stolen from you.
And he's trying to tell you, oh, yeah, you guys who are out there protesting because of the shitty job me and Joe Biden did.
I was with you.
Thank you.
For all of us, you can give our democracy new meaning.
Jesus Christ almighty.
You can take it to a better place.
It's hard to get.
You are the missing ingredient.
You are the missing ingredient, young people.
Thank you.
You are the missing ingredient, young people.
Do you feel a little insulted?
Do you feel a little condescended to because a guy who says that to you thinks you are a fucking moron?
And Barack Obama knows you are because 90% of the fucking people who hear that speech love it.
They have no idea he's a fucking complete sellout corrupt gaslighting fucking Ronald Reagan 2.0.
So much so that young people, you know who young people wanted?
They wanted Bernie Sanders to be president.
You know who Barack Obama wanted?
Anybody except fucking Bernie Sanders.
You're the missing ingredient.
What a fucking condescending, gaslighting piece of shit Barack Obama is.
You're the missing ingredient.
You can harness self-government to bring about your convictions.
My convictions is I'd like to have health care in the middle of a pandemic.
Nope, not those convictions.
How about I'd like to have some student debt relief as we get $5 trillion to the richest 100th?
No, not that conviction.
How about I'd like to end the war?
Not that conviction.
How about I'd like to have a job for not that conviction?
Look who Obama's hidden hand is candidates coalescing around Biden.
So you think he really cares about young people?
The missing ingredients?
With mainstream Democratic support rallying behind Joe Biden, it seems that the Democratic establishment is doing everything it can to prevent Bernie Sanders from winning the nomination.
Sources close to Obama indicated he was assisting the orchestration of a consolidation of support behind Biden.
What?
He's lying straight right to your fucking faces and you don't care.
He's lying right to their faces and they don't care.
It's like Chris Hedges said years ago.
They lie, cheat, and steal right out in the open.
They don't even hide their corruption anymore.
Oh.
Yeah.
Accelerate the end game.
Obama's role in wrapping up the primary.
So he'd made sure we got Joe Biden and not someone who is progressive.
He did the bidding of Wall Street, the military industrial complex, big pharma, health insurance, and fossil fuel companies.
That's why he did what he did.
Thank you.
Neoliberalism.
It's a lot like a bad movie franchise.
The sequel is even shittier.
Welcome to the sequel, America.
Wow, President of Barack Obama's calling me.
Hello.
Hey, Jimmy.
Have you been watching the Republican Convention?
You asked that last week about the Democratic Convention, and I'm trying not to.
Well, you're missing out.
We can really learn a thing or two by reaching across the aisle to come to a consensus.
Like Abe Lincoln said, we're one Americas, not two Americas.
One Americas?
Did he really say it that way?
What difference does it make now?
Who reads shit anymore?
Joe made the case for his vision of the country and his plan to get there.
Now it's up to you to do everything in the next 70 days to make sure we get enough.
Me?
What about you?
I already did my part.
What?
I got rid of Bernie, didn't I?
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landowitz, Steph Zamorano, Jim Earl, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only of the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out.
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