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Jan. 16, 2020 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:01:42
20200116_TJDS_20200116_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore show.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy Gates, double V. Hey, what's up, friend of the show, Vince Vaughan?
How you doing?
Well, I have to admit, ladies love cool James Doerr.
I am a little perplexed.
You know what?
Scratch that.
Flummixed.
Flummixed, Jimmy.
Well, what has you flummoed, Vince?
Well, as you may be aware, a few days ago, a video surfaced that some coward took and put on the internet.
Seriously, you like to film people from a distance and then put it on the internet to get them in trouble.
I'm sure everything is absolutely fine with you in the cock and balls department.
No, really.
Anyway, in said video, I'm having a pleasant chat with President Donald J. Trump at a nice college football game.
Yes, I saw that video, Vince.
Which apparently is a capital crime somehow.
I didn't know that that law was passed, Jimmy.
Did you know that law was passed?
That you're apparently not allowed to talk to the president anymore?
Right, right.
You know, it seems like something that would have been in the news.
Yeah, yeah, I would imagine that would have been in the news.
Yes.
Anyway, so all the Jabronis of America apparently watched this video.
And since I am being chummy with Donald Trump, I'd be chummy with him, and I'm not, you know, squirting fucking mustard in his face or whatever.
They have deduced that I am a conservative of one stripe or another.
Okay.
And people are losing their goddamn minds over this revelation.
Yes, it's been making the rounds.
I've seen it.
My question for you, Jimmy.
And there are several parts to this.
Okay, yes.
All right.
So, these phone calls that you and I have, where we chat about this, what chat about that, these calls are recorded, are they not?
They are.
I've got an entire staff here recording this as we speak.
Okay, you know what?
That's what I thought.
But good to have confirmation.
Now, part two.
Yes, okay, part two.
Are these phone conversations not uploaded onto some sort of internet device where they can be listened to and or viewed?
They are.
Yes, they are.
And finally, and I'll take my answer off the air.
Are these not some of the top-viewed videos on your tube site or whatever?
They could consistently get a lot of views.
Yes, Vince.
Yes.
So why is everybody shocked that I'm a conservative when this information has been consistently put forward by the Jimmy Door show for several years now?
Very good question.
An excellent query, if I may say so myself.
Well, I can at least assure you that my listeners are aware that you're a conservative.
And you know what?
I guess that's my point.
The listeners at the Jimmy Door show appear to be much more well-informed than other idiots out there in the wild.
I certainly like to think they are, yes.
And you know what?
I'm going to give you the credit directly to you, Seamus.
You know, for a long time, I would wonder, even though I talk to you on the phone all the time, I would wonder what the fuck is it that this guy even does anyway?
Well, now I know.
Well, now you know.
I do my best to inform my viewers about important issues.
Like the fact that celebrated actor Vince Vaughan is a conservative.
Exactly.
Now I get the point of your show.
Well, that's not exactly the...
Wow, Vince.
I, you know, I...
You know what?
Exactly, Vince.
Exactly.
Exactly, Jim.
You know what?
You keep doing what you do, and I will now look forward to these phone calls instead of dreading them like getting my balls caught in a rat trap.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can't afford my fomenting this world Watch and see as a jack-down comedian.
Speeds and jumps comedium and hit some head-on.
It's the Jimmy Door show.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
Our live shows, we're going to be in Tempe, Sacramento, San Jose, and Miami.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for all of our live shows.
Now, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Hey, who would have thought that Refund Warren would end up being a more recognizable campaign slogan than whatever Warren's is?
The only thing missing from Warren's statement about her 2018 meeting with Bernie is a photo of Bernie Sanders wearing a turban.
LAUGHTER Yes.
I know it's rash of me to make any judgments regarding the debate until I've heard from the ladies at the View, but here goes anyway.
And you know, if we had Medicare for all, maybe Pete Buddhegig could finally fix that annoying tooth whistle.
You know, Elizabeth Warren's pathological lying makes a good counterpoint to Joe Biden's constant state of befuddlement.
And apparently, there are scores of billionaires going to public colleges, and that's why we can have free college.
I really didn't know that was a big problem.
You know, between the Biden plan and Warren's lowering the price of certain drugs plan, I believe we can achieve the goal before this decade is over of sending a cancer patient safely to the moon and bankrupting him on the way back.
On a lighter note, recent tests of William Shakespeare's 400-year-old smoking pipes turned up traces of marijuana.
And I guess that explains the line, do be or not doobie.
Hey, what's coming up on this week's show?
Liz Warren dances and people make fun of her.
Is that okay?
Plus, Trump stooges lie about Iran, and Donald Trump admits U.S. soldiers are there for just taking the oil.
Plus, who's lying?
Bernie Sanders or a Native American.
Plus, we have phone calls today from Vince Vaughn, Bernie Sanders, Hillary Supporter, and Barack Obama, plus a lot lot more.
That's today the Jimmy Door show.
There was a story on January 13th in CNN.
It says Bernie Sanders told Elizabeth Warren in private in 2018 meeting that a woman can't win.
Sources say sources.
Who are those sources?
Well, here's the article.
Sanders responded that he did not believe a woman could win.
This is according to CNN.
And who are those sources?
The description of that meeting is based on the accounts of four people.
Two people Warren spoke with directly soon after the encounter.
Soon, is that like an hour after?
Is that a day after?
Directly soon?
Is that 15 minutes?
What is directly soon?
Is it the minute she walked out of the meeting?
Is it after she got in the car?
Is it after she got dropped off after?
What the fuck?
Directly soon?
Directly soon.
That's literally how they wrote it.
Like they're in fourth grade.
Warren spoke with directly soon after the encounter.
And two, and the other two people, you know, and the other source was two people familiar with the meeting.
Oh, yeah, I heard they were going to a meeting.
Did you hear they were going to a meeting?
I'm familiar.
I was familiar with that.
I heard they knew each other.
Are you familiar?
I'm scared to it.
Yeah, I'm familiar.
Directly soon they knew each other.
So nobody believes this.
Nobody believes this.
Nobody believes this.
Even people who support Elizabeth Warren don't believe this.
Because I saw lots of posts today about people saying, my mom used to be Elizabeth Warren supporter.
She just donated to Bernie.
So did you see those?
You see those tweets today?
I didn't see one of those, but I did see like Bernie had one of the best days ever.
Oh, it reflected.
That happened.
Mike Preisner's mother was really.
Yes.
So that's one I saw.
I saw a couple.
Well, they were saying right now, hashtag Warren is a snake is trending.
Yeah, that's trending.
So here's her statement.
This is a statement that Elizabeth Warren put out.
And I think I'll read it to you.
It said, Bernie and I met for more than two hours, December 2018, to discuss the 2020 election, our past work together and our shared goals, beating Trump, taking back government from the wealthy and well-connected, and building an economy that works for everyone.
Among the topics that came up was what would happen if Democrats nominated a female candidate.
I thought a woman could win.
He disagreed.
Double CK.
That's total bullshit.
I have no interest in discussing this private meeting any further.
Why?
Well, she says, because Bernie and I have far more in common than our differences in punditry.
So I just want to throw this smear out at him.
That's an obvious lie.
And then I'm going to hide behind, I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to hurt him.
Can you fucking believe it?
She's trying to play the high road after doing what she did.
Which, you know, keep in mind, another thing worth noting, she waited hours before she even put that.
That's correct.
She waited hours.
Why did she do that?
Because she wanted it to spread.
That's right.
And this was just a big game of no journalistic integrity telephone.
CNN publishes something from a bunch of random anonymous sources, which they'll do that whenever it's something that fits their narrative, like what happened with that Russia gate story where they had to fire three people over it.
Right.
So CNN publishes the thing based on random sources, and then a bunch of other people publish it.
Who's their source?
CNN.
That's right.
We got it from CNN who got it from some random anonymous people because it's something they want to publish.
That's right.
Then it spreads.
You can't bring something up.
You can't bring something up and then turn to that person and say, well, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
That's just like the worst type of thing.
It's so annoying.
That's like, I can't, I can't, we're not going to talk about what you just said about me.
No, I'm done discussing it.
You did this and we're done.
Like, well, wait, that's not.
Yeah, no, I don't think I didn't do that.
That's not how it works.
A, and Michael Moore, I listened to his podcast this morning and he talked about this.
He dropped it this morning.
He said, well, why don't you want to talk about it anymore?
If Bernie has this idea that a woman can't be president, why don't you call him out for it?
And we'll all help you.
We'll all back.
We got to get rid of this stupid idea that a woman can't be president.
And if it's inside the party, we got to get rid of it.
Why wouldn't you call it out?
Why would you stop talking about it?
Because it's not true.
That's why.
And everyone knows it.
And I don't even have to get upset about it because everyone knows.
I don't have to yell.
People already know.
Well, it's horrible at the bottom that we've been friends and allies in this fight for a long time.
And I've no doubt we've got to do it.
And I just decided to smear him as a sexist.
Like I'm the worst enemy.
She won't go on Fox News because she's got too much character.
Fuck off.
How about that?
This is what I said.
I said, so now we have to choose who is lying, Bernie or Warren.
And I'm not going to be the one to accuse a Native American of lying.
Just not going to go there.
So here's the moment everybody was talking about last night.
And then I'm going to, this is this, this is at the end of this.
This is from Morning Joe Ball this morning.
So this is Micah and Joe, and they're going to comment on this.
This is MSNBC.
Now, remember, you get fired if you even cover Bernie Sanders on MSNBC.
So let's play this and we'll see what happens.
Senator Sanders, I do want to be clear here.
You're saying that you never told Senator Warren that a woman could not win the election.
That is correct.
Okay, so now that is a person who works for CNN who just asked the senator directly, did you say that?
You did not say that.
He says, that's correct.
I did not say that.
And now this is what she says next.
Senator Warren, what did you think when Senator Sanders told you a woman could not win the election?
Their journalism gets a laugh.
That's how bad it is.
Her journalism gets a laugh.
It's an involuntary response, a laugh.
That's how bad her journalism was.
She just repeated this.
She just repeated as if it's fact.
Why?
Because she's at CNN and she's paid to lie.
That's a lie.
I mean, watch how she did it.
Watch that.
I do want to.
You're saying that you never told Senator Warren that a woman could not win the election.
That is correct.
Senator Warren, what did you think when Senator Sanders told you a woman could not win the election?
I mean, I'll say this as just something like in this moment, and there were many other moments too.
Last night's debate, and I thought about this like when I woke up in the morning, just to like let it sink in, but I stand by this, and I am someone who does not like to speak in superlatives all that often.
But last night's debate was the worst attempt at news and information from the corporate media I have ever seen in my lifetime.
It was the worst debate by far so far this election season and the worst thing I've ever seen.
It was worse than the GOP measuring contest in 2016.
Was it worse than a CPAC thing?
What is that?
What are they called?
I've never attended a CPAC.
So I guess I don't know for sure, but it's the worst thing I've ever seen in the news series.
So this is so bad.
This is so bad, Ron, that even they call it out.
No.
Watch this.
Watch this.
I am completely confused as to why it turned from Bernie Sanders saying I didn't say it to Elizabeth Warren being asked, what did you think when he said it?
Okay, I'm going to unpack it for you, Micah, so you won't be confused anymore.
This is a hit job that originated probably at the Elizabeth Warren and the DNC together came up with this idea, and then they called up CNN and they planted this story and they go, we can't give you any.
So just write the story for us because CNN's in bed with the Democratic Party, the establishment, and they were in bed for Hillary Clinton, and now they're in the tank for Elizabeth Warren.
And so they publish a complete, I mean, you want to get rid of, they wag their finger at Breitbart.
They wag their finger at Fox News.
They wag their finger at Alex Jones.
And then CNN, you've got nothing.
You're a bunch of fucking propagandist liars.
And this, again, proves it to everybody, right?
So I knew it.
Ron knows it.
Steph knows it.
But now even your mom knows it.
Okay.
So watch this.
so that's why.
So that's why this is.
And then that woman asking the questions works for CNN.
They're not a news organization.
They're an entertainment organization that is trying to maximize profits.
And she's trying to advance her career in television.
And so she's going to do what CNN tells her to do.
Last time they were sneaking, they were sneaking questions to Hillary Clinton.
This time they're completely lying for one candidate on air so badly and so transparently that it gets a laugh from the audience.
Liz Warren's new campaign slogan should be Warren 2020.
Even your mom's not on board anymore.
Oh, I thought it was, I thought it was, Elizabeth Warren, take a selfie with me.
And by the way, the people who are laughing at this in that hall, those are the 1%.
Now, I went to the Stephen, I went to the debate in Miami.
That's the 1%.
Those are the donors.
That's who that is.
Those are the big money donors.
And then each campaign gets to invite a handful of people.
But that's when you walk in there, there's David Brock, there's Nara Tandon, there's all the pay, everybody from all the corporations and all the everybody.
That's who's there.
They're all walking around in $5,000 suits.
And even they laughed.
I'm really shocked.
They think even they laughed.
I'm shocked they're showing this clip.
Right.
So they're shocked.
Here we go.
He says he didn't say it.
So you turn to Elizabeth Warren and say, Did he say it?
That's the issue.
It was bizarre.
I mean, it's bizarre.
It was.
What the heck happened there?
Are they listening?
These people have been calling anybody they disagree with politically for the last three years Russians.
And even to them, this is beyond the pale.
Even them, it's like, this is not, I mean, we're totally irresponsible, but this is nuts.
Because you got to listen when you do a debate.
Yeah.
And then take the question to the next candidate.
You just missed.
You were waiting to go.
These are the stories.
By the way, I've had conversations, private conversations taken to the press and totally manipulated for the benefit of the person who was sharing the story.
This happens all the time.
It's clear there's a misunderstanding, or Elizabeth Warren is focused on something that was said.
Wow.
Or third option, she's lying to gain a political advantage and she's doing it in an underhanded, transparently slimy, dishonest way.
That's the third option.
And she left that one out.
And Bernie Sanders is not going to be someone who says, I don't think a woman could win.
That's just stupid.
Right.
It would not be smart.
It would not be smart.
Yeah.
It doesn't make sense on the face.
It doesn't make sense under, if nothing.
It doesn't make sense at all.
A guy who's there's video of, I should have that video, of him telling people girls in 1988 that they should run for president.
He tried to recruit Liz Warren.
He wanted Liz Warren to run.
He wasn't going to run into it.
Why didn't they ask her about that?
Be like, why did he say, hey, I really want you to run so you can lose?
I want you to lose.
Is that his plan?
That's amazing.
Let's see what else.
Bernie went to her in 2015 and said, hey, I think you can win.
I think you should run for president.
I agree, Joe.
I think so too.
I'm part of the panel now.
Let's all throw stones from our glass house.
We're doing it.
This is such small balls.
This is such fun.
Small balls.
Small ball.
Whoa.
Joe, watch your mouth.
Wait a minute.
This is just such tiny cock.
Small ball.
Hi.
Hey, hey.
Hey, welcome to small balls.
Welcome.
Welcome to the K-Rock 97.
I'm Tiny Cock.
This is Small Balls and Helen.
That's Bill Dwyer's joke.
That's a variation of Bill Dwyer's joke.
They always have two.
He said they always have two crazy names when you do morning radio.
They always have two crazy names and then a woman.
It's always like, hey, it's six-pack hot wings and Helen.
I'm doing Bill Dwyer's act on my show.
All right.
The time is 8:15.
Time's 8:15.
45 minutes before the top of the hour.
Time two ways.
Get your passes to Huey's Gentleman's Club.
The real issue is not whether you're black or white, whether you're a woman or a man.
In my view, a woman could be elected president of the United States.
The real issue is: whose side are you on?
Are you on the side of workers and poor people, or are you on the side of big money and the corporation?
This just doesn't make sense.
So that happened.
So all I'm saying is when MSNBC calls you stupid for reporting a smear on Bernie Sanders, someone who they'll get fired for even covering, I think it's a lose for Elizabeth Warren and CNN.
I'm going to put this down as a big lose for her.
Oh, definitely.
And last night was, I mean, that was beyond an embarrassing.
And now nobody's talking about her as vice president, which is a good thing.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, look at what's happening.
Are we back to Tulsi?
Are we back to Tulsi?
I hope so.
I mean, look what's trending on Twitter.
Liz Warren is a snake.
CNN is garbage.
CNN is trash.
CNN is fake news.
And there were tons of moments like that.
It is exciting.
There were tons of moments like that in the debate.
There was another, for instance, where they were like, Bernie, you won't give a price on Medicare for all.
So then Bernie gave an example that included, guess what?
A price on Medicare for All.
Next question.
Joe Biden, why won't Bernie give a price on Medicare for all?
It's like, do you guys listen to the answers?
No.
What are you doing?
It was that for two hours.
It was two hours of that.
And because they're on a stage and because there's lights and cameras and they go to commercials, everyone thinks that they're professional.
Yeah.
Everyone thinks that they're doing this.
This is how it goes.
All right, and I'm going to sit here and read the crime.
No, you're an idiot.
You're a fucking paid idiot on purpose.
That's it.
You almost think that the advertisers would want to start pulling their ads from CNN.
You would almost think, no, that's safe.
That's safe advertising.
That kind of fake news is okay.
It's the stuff on YouTube that's really dangerous.
So here is another.
Here's the other moment that everyone's talking about, right?
So at the end of the debate, Bernie extends his hand to Elizabeth Warren.
And I'm going to play a game.
We're going to guess what they're talking, what they're saying, ready?
So here it is.
This was it.
The last time Americans will hear the Democratic candidates all in stage together, hearing them debate for the first time.
I don't need that audio.
What do you think they're so hit?
Here's what I'm going to guess what they're saying.
YouTube.
So she comes over and she says something of she tries to get him off his flat.
She tries to catch him flat-footed because he's not expecting her to attack him again right to her his face, which is what I think she's doing.
This is all speculation.
So she comes over and says, hey, why are your supporters coming at me?
Hey, why are you saying I lied?
She comes at him.
And Bernie's like, what?
Yeah, that's the only thing.
Because I've watched this a few times.
I think at one point you can tell he says, what?
What?
And then I think when he kind of points her, I think it's a good idea.
You and me know what the fuck happened.
You and me, but that's all, those are like the only three things I can make out.
I guess.
You and me know what happened.
That's it.
I'm done with you.
And he walks away.
So there, no handshake.
Hey, why are you coming out?
He's like, what?
He's like, what?
Fuck.
Hey, fuck.
Look, you and me know what fucking happened.
Okay.
You and me know I'm fucking done with you.
Goodbye.
Have fun with your campaign.
Right?
I mean, yeah, that's a pretty, that's a pretty, I mean, I like looked intensely at the faces to try to read lips, but yeah, I mean, based on the nonverbals, that seems.
And then I think Tom Steyer is, you know, Tom Steyer's asking if they want to get pizza.
Yeah.
Tom Steyer is the oblivious billionaire who just wants to say hi, Kemp.
I just want to be everyone's friend.
I bought my way here.
I'm so excited.
I think he knows the cameras are going to be on them.
So he wants everybody to.
Right?
Well, look at me standing there.
Well, it worked for him.
Watch.
So she comes over.
She says, Hey, I want to say something to you.
I want to know why you're throwing me under the bed.
You're making this stuff up, Liz.
That's not what I said.
You know what?
You and me?
Okay, you and me.
No, you and me, we're done.
We're done.
That's it.
I'm done.
I'm not.
And she doesn't see me shake your hand.
All right.
She just turns away, doesn't say goodbye, doesn't say nothing.
She's nothing.
Which is how she always is.
She's got nothing.
She's got no game.
She can't fucking mix it up.
They didn't even take a selfie.
She gets unwound by Megan McCain.
Ugh.
Let's watch it again.
Let's watch it again.
This is fun.
Why don't you shake my hand?
Really unprofessional.
What are you saying?
Okay.
Look, we know what happened.
We know what happened in that dinner.
I'm not going to talk about dinner anymore.
You and me, we're done.
So we're done.
Goodbye.
Tom Steiner.
All right.
I'll shake your hand.
Whatever.
Cameras are on.
I'll shake your hand.
I think you're an idiot.
Oh, okay.
So what?
You know what happened.
No, no, no.
You know what happened at that dinner, Liz Warren?
I will not talk about you and me.
You and me, we're done.
We're done here.
Okay.
Here is.
Oh, I guess I'll shake your hand.
All right.
Anderson Cooper might say something if I don't shake your hand.
So she comes over.
Why would you insult the Native Americans like that?
You're saying we're liars and we're not.
I mean, I do not speak with a forked tongue.
That's what she's saying.
And Bernie's like, what?
You do too.
Goodbye.
And he's like, hey, you want to get pizza?
I'm the climate change guy.
I got rich off of wrecking the environment, but I learned the error of my ways and I want to do something now.
Will you be my friend?
Hey, hey, sometimes we can dance.
And if we want to.
You and me?
No.
I'm getting out of here.
Okay.
Hey, look, I'm a billionaire.
You want to meet me?
All right.
Now, you should have a little fun now.
Just watch where Pete Bootygig is dying for somebody to talk to him the whole time.
Just watch.
Is he?
Yeah.
Okay.
Tom doesn't want to talk to me.
He's going somewhere else.
Joe Biden won't want to talk to him long.
Now he's left.
Holy shit.
Where do I go?
He's just going, Booty says he's just chilling.
He's like, I don't think anyone here takes me seriously.
And so, oh, so then here is the.
So by the way, here, let's do one more.
Okay, ready?
Hey, what do you, how about unity?
We're going to talk about unity.
What about unity?
Fuck you.
Regitchens.
Fuck you and your fucking unity.
I've had enough of your shit.
We all see through you now.
Bye.
I'm Tom Steyer.
That was mean.
That was mean.
That's what Tom Steyer said.
That was a lady.
Whoa.
Zoinks.
You think a lady can win?
All right.
I'm going to do another one more.
Hey, Unity, fuck your unity.
What?
What are you talking about?
Tom Steyer's coming in.
Hey, you guys, want to get pizza?
You get two mediums, five bucks, five bucks.
Hey, Bernie, I'm a billionaire.
Look at me.
I'm a billionaire.
I wonder how Bernie Sanders is doing after CNN and Liz Warren piled on him in last night's debate.
Get off my goddamn back.
And yes, who the hell is this?
Hey, Bernie, this is Jimmy.
I don't.
I don't give a fuck who this is.
I'm standing.
If you have a question, or do you not have a question?
Okay, yes, I do have a question.
Do you have a question or do you not have a question?
I do have a question, Bernie.
Let me guess.
When did you stop beating your wife?
Something like that, right?
No, no, Bernie, of course not.
Cuddy, come on.
Or is this more your speed?
If your Uncle Jack was on a roof, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
Well, is that it?
No, no, Bernie.
That's CNN, baby.
Come on.
Oh, so I guess you want to ask this question then.
Could Superman survive if you fired a nuke up his ass?
Is that it?
No, that's not me, Bernie, baby.
Well, I'll have you know that I refuse to answer any of your stupid questions based on unfounded assumptions and false premises.
We understand that, Bernie.
And yes, of course, Superman could survive a nuclear detonation of his ass, but it's stupid.
I wasn't going to ask that.
He's Superman, for God's sake.
He's the man of steel.
So naturally, if my calculations are correct, his colon should be able to withstand the force of a 100-kiloton hydrogen blast.
I didn't know any of that.
I didn't know any of that.
It's when you get in the realm of modern strategic missiles raging in the 1.5-megaton area.
That's when you might witness some stress in his lower abdominals.
But I'm no expert.
Are you upset about the line of questioning during the debate?
Now, concerning my Uncle Jack, I do not have an Uncle Jack.
But let's say for the purpose of argument that I did, naturally, I would help my Uncle Jack in this perilous descent from his roof.
We must help each other out.
That's good.
But no way are you working from a hand job?
Not making any value judgments here.
It's just not my thing.
Is there anything last night you didn't get to talk about at the debate?
Yes, wombats.
What?
Wombats, they're marsupials.
They have pouches.
They're big furry creatures with a sweet disposition.
Yeah, I know what a wombat is, Bernie.
But did you know this?
During the Australian bushfires, wombats are reportedly allowing other marsupials to take shelter in their massive system of underground burrows.
Think about it.
Wow.
Yes.
Koalas, Kwakas, and Wombats, Marsupials, all working together for the greater good.
I think we both know what the lesson is here.
What is that?
We simply must be more like the Wombat.
Share your complex system of underground burrows.
Eat more leaves.
And most important, poop square turds so they don't roll away.
Okay, that's something I don't really get about them.
But I said it, so now it's out there.
Any other questions, annoying person?
No, not really, Bernie.
How about if your wombat uncle was on the roof, would you help your wombat jack off?
That's more like goosebump, right?
You make me sick.
And Liz Warren can take a selfie with my big old ass.
But before I let you go, I would be remiss to remind you, your listeners, if you live in the Austin area, you should go see Mike McRae.
Perform headline at the Velveeta Room.
Where it got that horrible name, I have no fucking idea.
On 6th Street, January 31st and February 1st, it's a Friday next Saturday.
If you're interested, go to thevelve.com for tickets.
Okay.
I will see you there.
See you there, Bernie.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show: you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week, and it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to jimmydoorcomedy.com, clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business, and it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
And if you haven't, you're missing out.
We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
Hello.
Oh, God.
Come on, kids.
Get it together.
Pull your damn pants up.
Is this President Barack Obama?
Wall Street Speaker, Netflix producer.
Not an author.
Bayrock, what the HG double toothpicks Obama, son.
I'm a multi-hyphenate.
And don't you forget it.
My influence still looms heavy on the American psyche.
And make no mistake, I pledge to do everything in my power to use it for the benefit of the greater good.
Which means more books than Netflix deals, baby.
Hey, are you ever going to use that influence to support a real progressive candidate this time?
You know me, Jimmy.
Part of my allure is I never exercise my legendary Obama power when it can make any meaningful difference in people's lives.
You don't want to be uncivil to the folks who are offended by helping other folks.
It's not good for folks.
Obama power.
Patent pending.
Yeah.
Then what good is Obama power if you never use it?
It's all part of the genius of the.
I would never endorse anyone at this point, but I will tell you who I'll try to fuck over School of Influence.
Yeah.
And what exactly is Obama power?
Good question, Jimmy.
Obama power is that certain feeling you get when you know you're getting your message of hope through to the people.
Obama power is knowing there's really nothing there, but you're okay with it anyway.
Obama power means never having to say you're sorry.
Obama power unites us and reminds this nation that we are all one, even though we aren't.
You know what I'm saying?
I think I'm getting it now.
Obama power means saying you'll be there when you really won't.
Now you got it.
Obama power means taking action through inaction.
You're cats and on, son.
Now pull up those pants.
Obama power means we got to pull together for some intangible, indefinable thing.
You're all right.
Don't stop now.
Obama power means get it together, guys.
We're better than this.
Shake your money maker, baby.
Obama power means you can keep it, but you really can't.
Keep going, Jimmy.
Did you buy my book?
Yes.
And Michelle's book?
I sure did.
And pre-order my next book.
Wow.
There's a next book.
This is too much joy.
Yes.
Yes.
Obama power.
Take me away.
Ask your psychiatrist if Obama power is right for you.
Obama power may cause confusion.
Do not use Obama power if you're allergic to Obama.
Obama power is not suitable for people who vote.
Obama power should not be used with Kennedy Mystique.
Gee, I understand it all now.
Obama power means it means nothing.
Consult your campaign donors for erections lasting longer than two minutes.
Where am I?
I thought Barack Obama was going to tell us about Mike McCrae who's going to play the thing.
I know.
I'm wondering.
Oh, shit.
Back up for a second.
Another disclaimer for you people.
If you live in Austin, Texas, you need to go see Mike McRae, headline, the Velveeta Room, downtown on 6th Street, January 31st, February 1st.
Get your tickets at theValve.com.
Come on.
He can do it.
I believe in you.
Portions of the Jimmy Dore show was recorded live at the Alberta Rose Theater in Portland, Oregon.
Donald Trump sometimes acts.
It's not because the intelligence community hates Donald Trump, not because he's not willing to go along with them.
They hate them because he accidentally tells the truth and then fucks up their plans, right?
And they don't know how to control this asshole, right?
Because he's willing to lie.
He just doesn't know the lies, right?
Right?
Like, for instance, here he is.
They're talking about Syria.
Then they say he left troops in Syria.
You know what I did?
I left troops to take the oil.
I took the oil.
Ixney on the oil A. No, no, no, no, no.
That's the inside conversation.
You can just see his staff fumbling with paper.
Those are freedom and turned back in democracy.
And then the fucking, what are you doing with the oil?
Here's where I picture his staff.
Just picture his staff.
Then they say he left troops in Syria.
You know what I did?
I left troops to take the oil.
I took the oil.
Maybe we will, maybe we won.
Maybe we should take it.
We have the oil right now.
The United States has the oil.
So there's troops in Syria.
I can't remove all of them.
Go to commercial.
We have the oil.
The Wall Street Journal.
He won't stop fucking saying it.
I've got to get these in order.
Anything for the joke, baby.
Trump oil joke.
Want to hear it again?
Because it's kind of awesome.
Then they say he left troops in Syria.
You know what I did?
I left troops to take the oil.
I took the oil.
The only troops I have are taking the oil.
They're protecting the oil.
We're taking the oil.
We're not taking it.
Maybe we will.
Maybe we won't.
We have to sell it.
Maybe we should take it, but we have.
She knew them out.
Yeah, the newspaper's like, well, we're not taking the.
Oh, well, maybe we fucking will.
It's so great.
There's no pretense.
He's just like, well, maybe we will.
We took it in fucking Iraq.
We're trying to get in Venezuela.
These fucking mopes in Iran won't give us their goddamn oil.
We'll take whatever the fuck we want.
I'll tell you what sharp.
We have the oil.
The oil.
Right now, the United States has the oil.
So they say he left troops in Syria.
No, I got rid of all of them other than we're protecting the oil.
We have the oil.
The Wall Street Journal.
That's it.
It's it.
He keeps saying we have it.
They got the oil.
And I just want to let you know that it's kind of refreshing to hear a guy.
He's not lying.
The first time he's not lying, he's telling the actual truth.
Isn't that wild?
It's like.
Silver lining.
Yeah, Silver lining.
Silver lining.
It's like when he appointed the head of Exxon as his Secretary of State.
You're like, you usually used to have to go, oh, the Secretary of State was having lunch with the guy from Exxon, and I bet.
No, now it's just going, it's the Exxon guy.
He's fucking having one white silk.
We know what this is.
But it's like, Trump, who's running the State Department?
Oh, Exxon, Exxon.
Exxon.
Who the fuck do you think you should run it?
That's why we go to go grab everyone's oil.
So now, if you're going, I guess you're not going to play that when they're recruiting new soldiers.
I bet they're not going to play that then, right?
Because now it's obvious.
Hey, would you want to join to go fight for oil?
We're protecting.
That's what it's all about.
Like, what is, I just want to say real quick.
Like, what does he say when he comes home?
Like, what, you know, has he been like this his whole life?
Hey, what were you?
Why?
Where were you this weekend?
You said you had a convention.
No, no, I went to Vegas to bang hookers.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna start a university Are people going to learn stuff?
No, but I'm going to get their money.
They're going to have a really hard time getting it back.
That was in a movie.
I'm getting most of these back in order.
So this guy, so this video goes out.
And then again, this is going with our theme of people pretending this shit started in January 2017.
Then this guy, who's a reporter for Vox, Vox, now owned by NBC Universal, so it's part of the six companies.
There's no getting out of it.
So this guy from the corporation then tweets this.
He goes, here's a preposterously spray-tanned president of the United States bragging about war crimes on TV tonight.
This is normal now.
Oh, God.
Now it's normal.
Now it's normal, Aaron.
Really?
Now?
The reason it's normal now is because Speaker Pelosi never prosecuted the Bush administration for war crimes and torture, and they had that he admitted to, because Pelosi and the Democrats were complicit in both of those fucking things.
That's why it's normal because both parties are war-mongering torturers who dance with Ellen.
That's what they fucking are.
This inability for any blue check motherfucker to have one second to reflect on how we got a guy who's able to admit war crimes on national television and the government doesn't immediately melt down.
Why?
It's because they've been committing war crimes in public since I can fucking remember, and nobody's ever done a goddamn thing because they're all complicit because they all work for Raytheon.
I don't know how old this guy is, but when he saw the clip of Madeline Albright in 1994 saying, yeah, 500,000 Iraqi kids died because of our sanction, but it had to be done.
She said that on 60 Minutes in 1994.
Did this guy go, what the fuck's going on?
They're just admitting to genocide right now.
It's just the new normal.
They've been doing it for forever.
Forever.
This is Trump when he was running for president, and they asked him about Soleimani.
This guy, who's this guy's name?
Hugh something, Hugh Hewitt.
So he asked him about Soleimani and watch Trump try to pretend like he knows what he's watching.
This is funny.
Are you familiar with General Soleimani?
Yes.
Go ahead.
Give me a little.
Go ahead, tell me.
No one, no, and if you actually know the answer, no one would ever react like that.
It's like, hey, do you know how to do calculus?
Yeah.
Give me a little something.
What is it?
What is God?
Tell me about it.
I'm not sure if you know how, so I'm testing.
You tell me.
It's hilarious.
Are you familiar with General Soleimani?
Yes.
Go ahead.
Give me a little.
Go ahead, tell me.
He runs the Kudz forces.
Yes, okay, right.
Do you expect it to be?
Yeah, sure.
The Kurds, sure, the Kurds.
No, he didn't say Kurds.
He said Kuds.
Different.
They're different.
One's with a Q, one's with a K. Here we go.
Horribly menstruated by us.
No, not the Kurds.
The Kuds forces, the Iranian Revolutionary Guards Kuds forces, the bad guys.
Do you expect he's being right?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, no.
Yeah, right.
I thought you meant the one that I know.
We did change the results.
Kurtz.
Kurds.
No.
I'm sorry.
I thought you said Kurds.
Nope.
Surprise.
At that point, he wasn't just like, oh, you know, my signal's cutting out.
I got to go.
I can't hear you.
Now, watch this.
It's amazing that this exists.
So here's Trump talking about an attack on Iran, but watch the Twitch.
Our president will start a war with Iran because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate.
He's weak and he's ineffective.
This is real.
So the only way he figures that he's going to get re-elected, and as sure as you're sitting there, is to start a war with Iran now.
What the fuck?
This is real.
Unfortunately, we have a president that doesn't know the first thing about negotiation.
We have a real problem in the White House.
So I believe that he will attack Iran sometime prior to the election because he thinks that's the only way he can get elected.
Isn't it pathetic?
That's unbelievable, Kyle.
No, I thought you said Kurds.
No, it was Kuds.
Okay, okay.
So Trump ran on an anti-interventionist platform.
A lot of people voted for him because he wasn't supposed to do this shit and he was going to end those wars.
We're still in Afghanistan.
We're still in Iraq.
He just sent 3,000 more troops there.
We're still in Syria.
He has ended nothing, right?
So all I want to say is...
So there you go.
There you go.
And so now, to justify the Iran killing of Soleimani, he says this.
He says Soleimani was planning to kill us.
Soleimani was actively planning new attacks, and he was looking very seriously at our embassies and not just the embassy in Baghdad.
But we stopped him and we stopped him quickly and we stopped him cold.
I like how he says he was looking very seriously.
Like, did you have a spy in the room?
What's he doing now?
He's looking at the plans to attack the embassy.
What's the expression on his face?
Is it serious, semi-serious?
I got to know.
Super serious.
The fuck he's looking at it.
So anyway, that's all bullshit.
That's all we know.
First of all, the Trump that wasn't president would be trolling the shit out of this president, right?
Yes.
You know who else is looking at our embassies?
Trump, because he thinks he can build a hotel there.
That's what he's looking at.
You know, the next thing you're going to tell me is Trump doesn't actually plan on doing anything for the working class.
Get the fuck out of here, all right?
Trump is as sure Soleimani was going to attack the United States as he was the Central Park V was guilty.
I'm pretty sure.
Got to have a lot of information to enjoy that joke.
Okay.
We stopped him from what?
Probably something.
And the real reason it came out, the real reason he did this came out, Trump reportedly told associates he killed Solomani because he was under pressure from the GOP senators before his impeachment trial.
Well, oh, push me over with a feather.
It wasn't because we were under attack from Iran.
Holy fuck.
You mean there's really nefarious reasons why Trump would do this?
You mean war is a racket?
Yeah, that's what they're saying.
Thank you.
President Donald Trump told associates that he assassinated Iran's top military leader last week in part to appease Republican senators who played a crucial role in his Senate impeachment trial, the Wall Street Journal reported on Thursday.
The journal reported that Trump had told associates he felt pressured to satisfy senators who were pushing for stronger U.S. sanctions against Soleimani and who will run defense for him on impeachment.
The Trump said on Thursday that he approved the strike on Soleimani because the general was plotting to bomb the U.S. Embassy in Iraq.
But the administration hasn't released any evidence to support the claim that Iran was planning an attack on the embassy or any other imminent attack.
The lawmakers said they weren't provided any evidence.
So they briefed Congress and Congress said they weren't provided any evidence of an imminent attack or a specific threat posed by Soleimani, evidence of which is required to legally launch an attack without congressional authorization.
Republican Senator Mike Lee called the briefing, which Pompeo held helped lead probably the worst briefing, at least on a military issue I've seen in nine years that I've been here.
So the good thing is that Trump has surrounded himself with such shitty liars that everybody sees through these motherfuckers, like Cheney and Runfeld and Condoleezza Rice and Colin Power.
They were better liars than these people.
These people are obvious clowns that people would see through.
I like how he says the worst briefing in nine years.
Let's keep in mind, the bar is hella low.
It's the worst of the worst of the worst of the worst.
Right, the other briefings where Assad gathered his own people, right?
This is worse than that, is what he's saying.
So now, so now they bring out this guy.
This guy is, do you know who this guy is?
His name is Esper, and he was the deputy secretary of fuck faces in the Bush administration.
And now he's working in the Trump administration, right?
So they're doing this bullshit with Iran, and the guy asks him, watch what the guy asks him.
You were aware how skeptical people are of the eminent threat issue.
You were there in 2003 when you heard all that.
So it's very subtle.
I'll play it again.
So the guy says, you're aware how skeptical people are of the eminent threat because in 2003 you guys said the same shit.
And by the way, you were in the White House when they said this shit.
And he just goes, mm-hmm.
It's hard to hear.
I'll play it again.
Watch.
I'll play it.
You're aware how skeptical people are of the eminent threat issue.
You were there in 2003 when you heard all that.
So what?
You can hear it, right?
Like his mouth does not move.
He looks like one of the terrorists from diehard.
Hans, get the blast us to the roof.
But this guy gives possibly my favorite bullshit answer ever.
Watch.
What's temporary expectations?
What are you prepared to disclose at Congress?
Well, look, first of all, much of my messaging to Congress will be the same as what I'm delivering to you all here in terms of my views on the policy, the broader regional situation, the history.
So the problem is they're saying you don't have any evidence, right?
And what are you going to tell Congress different than you're telling us?
Because what you're telling us is fucking nothing, right?
So you're not showing us any evidence.
And you were part of that last group who didn't show us.
And so you know what's going on.
And so watch what he says about their evidence, their intelligence.
Obviously, with members of Congress, we can go into a classified set.
will be in a classified setting and be able to share more but the exquisite intelligence that It's exquisite.
Oh, have you seen the intelligence?
They put crown molding on it.
Oh, it's so exquisite.
Exquisite intelligence.
There's no such exquisite.
It's like, what is it, a fucking porno?
What are you talking about?
We're talking about that led to the decision to, it was, I should say, one of the factors that led to the decision to strike at Solomoni.
Okay, I don't know why I played that part.
But exquisite is the part I'm having an orgasm over.
And, you know, the military industrial complex likes to put a lot of words in front of intelligence, right?
Like, you know, like exquisite intelligence when the word they should be putting in front of it is sand intelligence.
Yeah.
By the way, this guy worked in the Bush White House, Iraq.
And you know what he did after that?
Before joining the Defense Department, Esper was vice president of government relations at Raytheon.
A major U.S. defense contractor during his time at Raytheon, Esper was recognized as the top corporate lobbyist by the Hill in 2015.
And now he's Trump's pick to be the defense.
Isn't that, ooh, Trump that drained in that swamp?
I drained the swamp and son of a bitch, there's my cabinet right at the bottom.
You know what?
He went, you know, when he was like, well, he got this intelligence.
He went, look, this bullshit, we can start another ridiculous war will make my Raytheon stock go up.
Exquisite.
Exquisite.
This will help me reach expert fuckface status.
And so then...
Thank you.
Ron, your brother got tickets.
White people have to stop dancing in public.
They just have to.
Yes!
Now, I've been to concerts as a white person, and I observed the white person rule at concerts.
You go to a white person concert, they're playing music, this is how you enjoy it.
That's what you do.
One time, one time I went, this is a true story.
One time I went to a Bob Dylan concert in Los Angeles, and he was playing rockabilly for whatever reason, and it kind of had a little bit of a beat.
And so the rich people who sitting on the floor started to stand up and dance.
But a lot of the rich people sitting behind them didn't want to stand up and dance.
So they started complaining.
So then they had to send the ushers over.
They had to send over 20 black guys to tell the white people, stop fucking dancing.
And this is why.
So it doesn't go good when politicians.
oh God.
Shut up.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, don't do that.
No, no.
Oh.
Why is this dancing to white people?
I don't understand.
So, Liz Warren.
She decided to dance in public.
So I know, right?
So here we go.
Here's Liz Warren dancing.
What is it about this that makes white people think that's dancing?
And if you notice, Julian Castro is not moving.
I'm not doing this.
What if Liz Warren just got fucking dirty right there?
What if she was just like, oh, let's do it?
Let's do it.
She's like, I was relieved she didn't twerk.
I was relieved.
She just started.
You can dance if you want to.
You can leave Medicare for all behind.
And the Green New Deal is not really your plan, but that's not a problem of mine.
You can dance if you want to.
*crowd cheers*
She danced around that stage as good as she danced around whether she supports Medicare for all or not.
It's the fourth time we've made that joke today, but it's still good.
So Kyle Kalinske tweeted out.
He made fun of that.
Kyle Kalinsky goes, I know your terrible advisors told you to be more relatable and dance, but really the trick is just being your authentic self, no more, no less, which is a pretty innocuous critique of what just happened, right?
You couldn't be more, you know.
Corey Booker.
Corey Booker goes, raise your hand if you know why people are trolling Elizabeth dance moves and not my dad jokes.
Well, then Humanist Report says, raise your hand if you know why Cory Booker voted against a bill that would allow Americans to import cheaper prescription drugs than Canada.
Thank you.
We know that answer.
So Corey Booker wants to know why Kyle Kalinsky is making fun of Elizabeth Warren and not him.
And, well, the Rational National David Dole says, because Warren's a competitor in the race and you're not.
How about that?
That would be why.
Aaron Matei says, because 02.5% polling Corey Booker.
People who ignore my campaign and my jokes are sexists.
But guess what?
Kyle Kalinsky comes back.
No, I actually did troll your dad jokes too.
As well as you're being the number one recipient of big pharma money.
But yeah, just accuse me of sexism if it makes you feel good.
They won't stop.
They did that to me.
You remember that Clinton advisor came at me, that Cliff Schechter guy, because I said, stop lying about why you got fired from that teaching job?
She quit.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
So they're doing it now to Kyle Kalinske.
And Parker Malloy came at him.
Parker Malloy goes, maybe stick to criticizing her policy positions instead of picking up our things that have nothing to do with us.
She'd govern.
Okay, well, you're just a misogynistic sack of shit.
They're really coming at Kyle Kalinsky, right?
And here's someone who says her name is Angry Black Lady.
She says, trolling Booker's dad jokes or mocking Pete's dancing is not the same as you tagging Elizabeth Warren to tell her to be more authentic.
You could apologize and learn something about the sexist way women politicians are covered in the media and how you're contributing to it.
Just try.
So that's a woman advocating for another woman.
And I guess what she's saying is that I am a woman, hear me roar.
Just don't make fun of my dancing.
Women can do anything except take a joke, apparently.
I don't know.
I'm going to race that.
Because this woman is an obvious phony.
They're hiding behind identity politics and calling people sexists for making actual honest observations that are genuine, right?
So that's a bullshit tactic to do that's fucked up, right?
And so obviously this woman doesn't, not only does this woman not support fucking women, she doesn't support humanity.
Because here's a tweet of that same woman.
People feel so strongly about this woman.
I just don't give a shit either way.
Hashtag Manny.
That's right.
So she defends the powerful in a disingenuous way, but the fucking truth tellers who are being persecuted, she doesn't give a fuck about.
Because she's a horrible person.
Yeah, is that Juliana Sons, right?
Yes.
Yeah, we're all about Juliana Sons.
That's right.
So, and not only is she a fucking hypocrite liar, doesn't even support women or anybody or a truth teller or whistleblowers, but she also criticizes people for their dancing.
So she's completely bullshit both ways.
So Kyle Kalinsky says, well, so I'm allowed to make fun of Mayor Pete's dance and Corey Booker's dad jokes, but I'm not allowed to make fun of Warren's dance.
I'll tell you what.
Make me a list of the things I'm allowed to mock and not allowed to mock so I can use it as toilet paper.
Thank you.
I said I have that same list, but it's more of a to-do list than anything.
But I got to go with this guy.
He makes the best point.
goes, it's offensive to make fun of Native Americans.
laughter applause applause Oh, that's crazy.
That just drive me crazy when they do that.
I just don't, it's centrist Twitter, the corporate centrist Twitter doing a dance called moving the goalposts.
Don't forget to do the selective outrage move in the middle.
That's what this is.
Selective outrage over bullshit, like an identity politics thing.
You can't criticize a woman.
Any criticism of Elizabeth Warren is somehow sexist.
And they did the same thing to Bernie last time when she was running against Hillary Clinton.
Any criticism of her was sexist, even though she was the biggest shamer of women who were being harassed by her husband.
All they have is identity politics because you can't talk about policy.
You talk about the, you stick with the facts of Elizabeth Warren, right?
She voted to give Trump extra $80 billion for the war machine in October of 17, right?
You've seen her say, oh, I won't take corporate money in the primary, but I will in the general, right?
You've just seen her time and time again, flip-bop.
She was a Republican until she was 47 goddamn years old.
You call her out on that, and their only argument is, I want sexists and Russia or whatever.
That's all they fucking got.
That's all they got.
Because you can't fight the truth of the fact that their centrist candidates fucking suck.
They're worse than Elizabeth Warren's dancing.
Oh, and I also want to mention, if Corey Booker was anything close to a remotely serious person, he would have tweeted out, raise your hand if you know why I'm pulling around 1%, because no one in my campaign has a freaking clue.
Hello?
Oh, stop it, please.
This is Hillary supporter.
You know what?
Bernie is finally done for.
It's over, so get over it.
And then get over getting over it.
He's done.
He's toast.
But he's rising in the polls.
LOL, that's a good one, Mr. So-called comedian.
But he is.
Sanders is leading in three states, including California.
Oh, my God.
I'm literally going to have a heart attack with your shit.
It is so unfunny.
It's funny.
In 2013, Bernie told the world he thought Warren would be a good president and should run.
And where did you read that pack of lies, liar?
The Burlington Free Press?
You disgust me.
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zamarano, Jim Earl, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only of the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
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