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Dec. 24, 2019 - Jimmy Dore Show
58:10
20191224_TJDS_20191224_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
You know, I love the holiday season because I always get festive messages left on my answering machine.
Happy solstice, everybody.
This is Hillary's reporter.
I am calling you because I need to put you fuck shits on blast.
I've had up to here with you people turning my timeline into a dumpster fire.
Stop all of this bullshit, okay?
All of you die-hard chonk Uger, burn, Bernie Bro, whatever people, you're done.
You have to leave.
If you fuckheads think that getting rid of all the ills of society will stop all the hills of society from happening, well, sorry, you're wrong, and you're stupid.
I'm only going to say this one's because I'm an empathetic, nice person with empathy.
I would rather pull all my teeth without anesthesia and eat five pounds of broken glass with my bloody gums than listen to Bernie Sanders and his anti-Semitic, sexist, bestiality, fuckheaded cult followers spend their whole lives trying to destroy Hillary Clinton's reputation.
Despite these tribulations, she's still a huge international celebrity with hundreds of millions of people hanging on her every word, okay?
Type bar to you, Jimmy Dore.
I wouldn't be surprised if you harbored some problematic attitudes towards women.
Surprise.
Maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror.
Bernie Sanders set the country back generations because he selfishly ran against Hillary four years ago.
So listen up.
The reason Hillary is speaking the truth is because Bernie Sanders fucked America.
Next one is David Axelrod.
Just as I predicted, all indicators are that this is going to be a very strong and powerful holiday season of lugubrious salutations and merriment.
You can all just lick my love muscle.
David Axelrod.
Rick Perry's next.
Alexa, what is the true meaning of Christmas?
Why?
And how?
And when.
Oh, baby Jesus with your nose, so brat.
Won't you spot my enemies tonight with the municipant terror of your awesomeness power?
Bernie Sanders.
Look, I grew up in a working class family, and we could never afford a tree during Christmas, so we decided to become Jewish.
Look, Jimmy, on a different subject, I gave you a holiday present, citing your strong endorsement for my Medicare for all program and your strong voice in the fight for social and economic justice.
But 20 years ago, you told a joke about a guy who walked into a bar and bet the potential he could fought the national anthem.
So, I'm taking your present back.
Oh, Bernie unpresents me.
That's tough.
Rick Perry's back.
On the third day of Christmas, Matt True Love gave to me one turtle dove, two gasoline, and uh, um, I don't know.
Siri, what's Darwin again?
Okay, thanks.
And a Department of Energy.
Kevin Spacey left me a message.
You don't like your gift?
Well, guess what?
I don't care.
You think Christmas is overcommercialized?
I don't care.
You don't like your racist uncle.
I don't care.
You don't like me not caring.
I don't care about you not liking me, not caring.
Harvey's coming over for crudites.
Join us.
Chris Christie's up next.
Shut your goddamn saucebox, okay?
It is what it is.
I ain't telling you what I ain't won't go about it.
I need to ask you a special favor.
I need you to do some house painting for me, followed by a little carpentry and some cleanup.
You got that?
From the movie.
Yeah, he said house painting is from the Irishman.
You know what that means, right?
He's a house painter.
I finally finished it.
It took me four sittings.
What'd you think?
I enjoyed it.
I kind of want to read the book now.
Oh, you fucking better enjoy it.
Here comes Jeb Bush's next.
Hello?
Hello?
Is anybody there?
I'm locked in the basement again.
And all this time it's not for attention, okay?
I left my keys upstairs.
Oh, here they are.
Oh, well, I guess that means I'm not locked in the basement after all.
Silly me.
Hello?
Oh, here comes Liam Neeson.
Jimmy, I need you to listen very closely.
You're about to be taken.
Taken by an overwhelming sense of ennui and hopelessness.
Merry Christmas, or whatever the fuck it is you observe, you troubled.
Wait, I take that back.
Fuck Christmas and fuck you.
Wow, Liam seems upset.
Harrison Ford.
Pilot the tower, pilot the tower.
There's a scorpion in the cockpit.
Please advise.
Oh, Druck Bill O'Reilly's calling for Christmas.
Yes.
Yeah, I'm an unloved, blotchy-faced fuckhead with a receding hairline.
Please love me because I post pictures of myself with a cute dog right after I post something racist.
Hey, Sean Connery gave me a Christmas message.
Jimmy, you can take that bloody drumstick and clam it up your nana's tortatch.
And I mean that with all due respect.
Establishment media sets of art and spiders can't afford my fomenting this pod.
Watch and see as a jack off comedian speeds and jumps the medium and hits him head on.
It's the Jimmy Door show.
Hello, welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
We're coming live to Portland, Tempe, Sacramento, San Jose, and Miami.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for tickets for all of our live shows.
What's coming up on this week's show?
The Dems Cave In to Trump again.
They give Trump more than he asked for and his military budget as they were impeaching him for treason.
Plus, MSNBC lives to its own audience again about the FBI and the Steel dossier.
We talk with Katie Helper about Pete Buddegig and Mayor Pete accuses progressive voters of being purists for opposing corruption.
Plus, we got phone calls from Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
Holiday season messages from all our friends.
All that and lots, lots more.
That's this week.
The Jimmy Doer show.
So now, if you've been watching MSNBC, their coverage of the IG report or impeachment or first of all, they have someone who used to be the mouthpiece for torturers and war criminals.
They're their anchor.
Nicole Wallace, this is amazing, right?
And so now listen to how she talks about how Nancy Pelosi is such a genius.
They love doing this.
They love, again, Russia Gate was walls are closing in, right?
Walls are closing in.
The writing's on the wall.
The end is near.
The end is near.
And that was catnip for MSNBC viewers.
And then the walls never closed in.
The Mueller report landed.
It was a big dud, and it was all over, and their ratings went in the tank.
And now they're doing impeachment, and they're doing it again.
And so they're wanting to make you think that Nancy Pelosi is a genius.
And oh, she's going to get him.
Nancy Pelosi is outsmarting Trump at every move, except Trump's getting everything he ever wanted.
And how do I?
Well, here, let's watch this.
But I think Frank Fagluzzi here would agree she could double as someone with a degree in psyops.
I mean, she has gotten under his skin in the category of diminishing him, making him look and feel smaller, and really checkmating him on the politics by narrowing the articles to two undeniable facts that he abused his power and then he proudly pounds his chest over obstructing this investigation.
Take us inside whether or not that was debated and how she landed on sort of keeping this squarely in the undeniable and indisputable range in terms of the facts that have emerged.
Well, the president is used to dealing with congressional leaders who bend to his will and cater to his whims.
And Nancy Pelosi doesn't do that.
She's steely.
She looks straight ahead and kind of barrels through any problems and concerns.
So keep that in mind.
Nancy Pelosi doesn't just, she doesn't bend to Trump's will.
He's used to dealing with people who bend his will.
She doesn't.
She's very steely.
And she gets under Trump's skin like that and she just diminishes him.
That's what MSNBC's story is about Nancy Pelosi.
That's them gaslighting their own viewers.
And who do they hire to do it?
One of the biggest gaslighters ever, somebody who lied for a torturer and war criminal, George Bush.
That was her job.
She was the mouthpiece of a war criming organization.
This is from roll call.
Democrats got completely rolled in NDAA talks from roll call.
The NDAA National Defense Authorization Act.
That's the defense budget.
You know how we were spending $500 billion at the height of the Iraq war and now we're spending $730 something billion, which is over a 40% increase.
And the military, since the height of the Iraq war, it should be going the other way.
We've exploded it at the same time the homeless populations exploded, right?
And our suicides and all our OxyContin deaths are happening.
Democrats got completely rolled.
Well, here we go.
The final defense authorization measure for the current fiscal year represents a victory for Republicans.
I thought Nancy Pelosi was steely and gets underskins and diminishes the president.
Despite the widespread Democratic opposition to the $735 billion NDAA produced by House and Senate conferences, Congress is expected to send the fiscal 2020 legislation to the White House as soon as this week.
Republicans are generally pleased with the outcome.
After having fiercely resisted the earlier version written in the Democratic-controlled House.
In fact, in a stunning reversal of the norm, not a single House Republican voted for the massive Pentagon policy measure on the floor in July.
So when Nancy Pelosi came up with her thing, she couldn't get one Republican to go along with it.
Not one.
And so what did she do?
She then rolled over for them.
With the specter of a possible Trump veto looming over the conference on the House and Senate bills and the congressional Republicans standing united, the conference committee laid waste to a long list of progressive provisions that were either in the House bill or that the Democrats had wanted added to the final product.
So the Democrat, the Democrats have spineless again, just like our previous story with Bernie and Jank, completely spineless, rolling, rolling over.
And here they are.
The Republicans stay united.
The Democrats caved.
What was the point of voting for Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats to take over the House?
They are caving at every turn.
The things that they laid waste to, these included everything from tougher regulations on toxic chemicals and drinking water on military bases to anti-discrimination protections for transgender troops to restrictions on Trump's attempts to use military money to build barriers on the U.S.-Mexico border and much more.
Hey, how about the idea the Democrats propose we cut the budget?
Have you heard that happening?
We take $100 billion out of the military and we give it to homeless people and students.
No.
Again, they can't oppose Trump on substance like his military budget, because if the Democrats did, they'd be opposing the establishment, which they represent.
They represent Raytheon.
They represent Boeing and they represent Wall Street and they represent Big Pharma.
That's why the Democrats have to oppose Trump on Russia Gate and a phone call to Ukraine.
Because if they oppose on this, their voters would get mad at them.
A coalition of 31 liberal organizations representing disarmament, human rights, and other causes said in a statement Tuesday that the NDAA outcome is a near-complete capitulation and checking the Trump administration's military priorities.
Nancy Pelosi, complete capitulation.
I thought she was steely.
Trump's never dealt with someone like her.
She's diminished him.
Complete capitulation.
Do you see how NBC, MSNBC is just a gaslighting, lying organization and they're doing a disservice to our country worse than Fox News?
In a statement, Pocan, Pocan, so this is the, Pocan, is the co-chair of the Progressive Caucus in the House.
And he said that he called for a national conversation.
He called for a national conversation on repeated increases to defense spending.
How about you propose a budget that cuts the fucking spending instead of having a conversation, Pocan?
How about you do that?
How about you actually get your progressives together to not vote for this?
He calls for a national conversation on repeated increases to the National defense spending, noting that Congress has boosted the Pentagon's budget $131 billion during Trump's first term.
Hey, how about you ask that to Nancy Pelosi?
Why don't you ask her to have a conversation?
Are you allowed to have a conversation with the woman you voted for for speaker?
Why don't you have a conversation with her?
Because if you had a national conversation, you know what that conversation is.
Everybody in the goddamn country would say, cut the goddamn military spending and get out of those wars.
That's what they would say.
But Pocan is also beholden to Nancy Pelosi.
So he's not criticizing Nancy Pelosi.
And this is why it's a fool's errand to shepherd progressives into the Democratic Party.
Do you see what the Democrats are doing?
At the same time that this, this is Pocan, at the same time that this administration has cut food stamps, Medicaid, and reproductive health services from everyday Americans, this president wants to add more than $100 billion to continue endless and unauthorized wars, bans transgender troops, keep Guantanamo Bay open, allow the unchecked contamination of water supplies, and establish a space force.
And guess what?
Your leadership went along with that.
The Democratic Party signed off on all of that.
Gave Trump everything he wanted after you all supported Nancy Pelosi as your speaker.
Rocana issued a joint statement with Vermont Independent Senator Bernie Sanders calling the final agreement a bill of astonishing moral cowardice that the Democrats passed.
They always leave that part out.
That Nancy Pelosi, who you voted for as speaker, passed without any pushback.
Likewise, Joe Siracione, a former House Armed Services staffer who is now president of the non-proliferation organization Plowshares Fund, he said in a tweet Monday that the House Democrats got completely rolled.
Nancy Pelosi's a master legislator.
She got completely rolled by Trump.
House Democratic leadership has a lot of explaining to do on why they caved on every single national security policy.
Looks weak, he said.
What?
They couldn't impeach him and stand up for America.
I guess they could impeach him, but they just can't stand up to the military-industrial complex.
Yet Adam Smith, the Washington Democrat who chairs the House Armed Services Committee and who led the House conferences, has seemed resigned to losing so many battles in conference and recently suggested it was the product of political reality.
So this guy, Adam Smith, he's the Washington Democrat who chairs our House Armed Services Committee.
He's supposed to fight against Trump.
And what he's saying is like, you can't.
It's just a political reality.
You just got to accept what the military-industrial complex wants.
It's funny the Republicans and conservatives never have to roll over and accept.
It's always the Democrats.
Isn't that something?
Maybe it's because the Democrats are actually a conservative party, which they are.
I've been told consistently over the course of the last two or three months that I just have to negotiate harder, Smith said.
This is the Democrat at the Armed Services Committee who just got rolled, and he's complaining that he's been told consistently over the course of the last two or three months that he's been told to negotiate harder.
I was like, can I do that?
How does that work exactly?
Can you spell that out to me?
He doesn't even know how he can stand up to them.
Do you see what his so this is his excuse for getting completely rolled?
His excuse is, how do you stand up to the Republicans if you have a majority?
You're in the majority, fuckface.
You can't stand up to Trump.
No, you know why?
Because standing up to Trump would be standing up to Raytheon and Boeing and Wall Street and Wall Street, and they ain't going to do that.
And so he pretends like it's undoable.
That's what Adam Smith is.
That's what this is.
I'll read it to you.
He says, I was like, can I do that?
How does that work exactly?
Can you spell that out to me?
Do I like hold my breath?
Do I like physically attack?
They are where they are, okay?
And you know, you have to respect that.
He's saying we're powerless to do anything, even though we're in the majority in the House.
What are we supposed to do?
The Republicans won't budge.
So what we do is we budge.
We always roll over and we pretend it's like we can't do anything else, that our hands are tied when it's really we're corrupt to our core and we serve the establishment, the same establishment that Trump is serving with this bill, and we're serving them too.
But vote blue no matter who.
We've got a supermajority in California of Democrats and a Democratic governor and our country looks and our state looks like it's run by right-wingers.
We don't have Medicare for all, fifth largest economy in the world.
We have a bigger economy than Russia.
We don't have Medicare for all.
We don't have free college.
We used to.
There are people sleeping under every bridge in this goddamn city.
Also gone from the final bill is a House passed requirement that Congress authorize any war on Iran.
So they were trying to say that if Trump wants to go to war with Iran, we have to first authorize it in Congress, which is already the goddamn law.
And the Democrats rolled over on that.
We'll let Trump start a war with Iran.
This is sickening.
This is beyond sickening.
This is beyond Nancy Pelosi being bad at her job or corrupt.
This is a whole nother level.
While people are sleeping under bridges and dying because they can't afford their diabetes medicine, they're insulin, while we're in seven, eight, nine wars, the Democrats are giving $131 billion more dollars to Trump for war, who they say is a traitor working for Putin.
You know, Jimmy, when I think about Nancy Pelosi saying that I'm a master legislator, she's a master legislator for the other team.
That's right.
How disturbing is that?
Also excluded is a mandate that the EPA regulate PFAS on military basis as a hazardous substance, which would have triggered cleanup efforts under the Superfund law.
That's gone.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Majority Leader Stanny Hoyer said in a statement Monday that they were disappointed the conference dropped that provision.
Boy, if only you knew somebody who could do something about it, huh, Nancy?
You coward, you corrupt coward.
Meanwhile, the bill does not, as Democrats hoped it would, reverse Trump's ban on transgender people joining the military.
They voted for a bill that bans transgender people from the military.
That's what the Democrats just did.
And guess what happened right after that?
To show you how brainwashed the left is from watching MSNBC, After that, a coalition of LGBTQ organizations issued a statement blaming Republicans for the outcome and thanking the Democrats.
You can't make this stuff up.
You cannot make this stuff up.
They thank the Democrats for pass for Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the House, voting for a bill and passing a bill that bans transgender people from serving.
You know, he got everything he wanted.
And you're telling me that there's some sort of group out there that's working against Donald Trump in Washington.
They're all in lockstep, and the people are the ones who are making the real sacrifices again and again and again and again.
So all I feel, Jimmy, is this is outrageous when you were showing it to me.
And then, are you, okay, you're going to show the people who voted against it?
So here's the people.
So here's the people who voted against it.
You ready?
I'm going to show you.
Okay, Bass, Blumenauer, Buck, Judy Chu.
Can you believe she voted against good for her?
I'm proud of her.
Proud of her.
Nice work, Judy.
Clark, Cohen, Danny Davis.
Someone just, it just says Kay.
I don't know what that is.
DeFazio, DeJude.
It's Danny Kennedy.
Danny K. Davis.
That's what that is.
Yes.
Okay.
Thank you.
I'm dumb.
No.
DeSolnier, DeFazio, DeJetti, DeSolnier, Dingle, Doyle, Michael F. Is that Michael F. Michael F. O'Doyle, and then Angle, and then Espalat, Tulsi Gabbard on the right side.
Yeah, Chulsi Gabbard voting against NDAA.
You know, it's just funny to me.
I was talking to somebody on the phone yesterday, and I was, and they were like, you know, they have some people have problems because she's a soldier.
I'm like, yeah, but she was a medic.
And then they're like, yeah, but she still supports the military.
And I'm like, she's an anti-war vegan.
That's not fucking left enough for you?
I mean, I just want to say really quickly about her being a medic.
She is still continuing to help people in the most, I think it's courageous.
Anyways, I gotcha.
Garcia, Illinois, Gohmert, Gomez, Griffith, Gravalya.
Oh, that's good.
He's the leader.
Huffman, Jaya Paul, good.
Kennedy, Rokana, Kildie, Lee, Glevin, Lowenthal, Massey, McClintock, McGovern, Meng, Nadler, Napolitano, Nagusi, Ocasio-Cortez, Omar.
That's good.
Look at this.
It's all good.
Polkan pre-voted against it.
Good.
Presley voted against it.
Good for her.
Raskin, Rice, Shawaski.
Oh, I know.
Shakowski.
I know her.
Talib, good for Tonko, Velazquez, Watson, Coleman, and Welch.
They all voted against it.
And the ones that are hyphenate, yeah, italicized, rather.
Those are the Republicans.
Oh, I didn't notice that.
Yes.
Okay.
So mostly Democrats voting against it.
Yes.
So that's so that's good.
Huh.
So what they did was they got just enough Democrats to pass it, is what that always happens.
So like when they want to deregulate Wall Street, Chuck Schumer will find just enough Democrats in the Senate to vote for it to make it pass.
You're right.
And so when they want to get fast-tracked judges in the Senate, Chuck Schumer will find just enough Democrats to help fast-track the judges.
So Jimmy, I was reading DefenseNews.com.
Yeah.
And the representative from New Jersey, Tom Malinowski, he's quoted by saying, number one, I'm a pro-defense Democrat.
Okay.
Why would you AB that?
What does that get you?
So there's no anti-war party.
There's no party that opposes defense spending, right?
Doesn't make you a patriot, by the way.
Right.
Doesn't make the government's been lying to us about the wars constantly.
We just did a story about that.
18 years, every administration has lied to us about Afghanistan.
Obama, Bush, and Trump, they all lied about Afghanistan continuously and repeatedly.
But you're still pro-defense.
Stop being stupid, but I'm glad he voted against this.
So that's good.
What does he say?
He voted for a moment.
He says, I'm number one, I'm a pro-defense Democrat, and I want to support our troops.
Okay.
And I want to repeat this thing.
The military-industrial complex has us repeating all the time, which actually doesn't mean anything, which means I support the troops, which means nothing.
That actually doesn't mean anything.
I support the troops, which means I don't want to be critical of war.
That's what that means.
That's what the military-industrial complex has put in your mouth.
Congrats.
Okay.
So there you go.
So great.
That's nice.
So how many is that?
How many voted against it?
Isn't it 48 or something?
Okay.
Okay.
It's actually 48 nays.
Okay.
Not voting.
Berrigan, Hunter, Ted Liu.
Why wouldn't Ted Liu vote on that?
Rooney and Serrano.
So three Democrats, three Republicans didn't vote on that.
Why, Ted Liu?
Why didn't Ted Liu don't you support the troops, Ted Lou?
Are you a Russian?
Is Ted Liu a Russian?
I'm going to type it up.
Is Ted Liu being boosted by the Russians?
Why wouldn't you vote for the defense bill, Ted Lou?
Is it Russia?
Did Russia get to you, Ted?
I wouldn't doubt it.
I wonder why they wouldn't vote for that.
Why wouldn't you vote for that?
Russia didn't get to you?
Obviously, Russia got to Ted Lou on this, right?
I mean, I don't know.
We have as much evidence as he has about Russia and Russia Gate.
But that never stopped him.
Why should it stop us?
Oh, that's right, because we're not fucking douchebags.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
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Hello.
Not yet, Jimmy.
Not yet.
Not yet.
What's that, Mr. President?
The new name of my Netflix production company.
Not yet.
What happened to your first choice of higher ground productions?
Well, it turns out some woman's been using that trademark 11 years now for her dumb little business, higher ground enterprises.
We demanded the U.S. Patman trademark office cancel a trademark.
Well, did they?
Not yet.
Not yet.
They refused.
Oh, I guess now our only choice is to act like the adults in the room.
I'm glad you're following your own advice.
We're going to go to court and litigate that chick, a new asshole.
But, bar!
I'm going to use my Netflix money to crush her little business faster than a Syrian wedding.
And then I'm going to laugh.
Taking the high roll, baby.
Why not yet?
Well, it's like this.
You people already waited a few centuries for your stuff.
What's another lifetime?
Not yet.
And guys, pull your pants up.
Get with it.
It makes me laugh every time.
And what do you mean by that?
I'm saying most of the problems in the world came from old people, mostly men, holding on to positions of power.
So you're against Joe Biden?
Joe's against Malarkey.
How could I be against a guy who's against an indefiable term for the mid-19th century?
So what...
So what old men are you talking about when you say old men in power cause most of the problems in this world?
Bernie Sanders.
Oh, Bernie Sanders is in power.
Yes.
He's like a Sangali with all his malorky-esque shenanigans.
How?
He hypnotizes young people with his not me us bum puzzle.
He's got their minds all cattywampus with his irresponsible cotty womble flummadidle.
Well, any specific examples?
Well, okay.
All right.
For one thing, Bernie doesn't know what the meaning of, he doesn't know the meaning of not yet.
He always wants a now.
Well, you know what?
Time to draw the line in the dust and toss the gauntlet before the feet of a tyranny and say, not yet now, not yet tomorrow, not yet forever.
Hey, I should trademark that.
So people don't know the origin of Christmas, but I do, because I'm smart.
And I looked it up.
So here, did you Google it?
I did Google it.
Did you know that, first of all, Christmas became celebrated on December 25th?
You know, it was actually a pagan holiday.
It was called Satumalia.
Satumano, if I'm pronouncing that correctly.
That's some of my favorite kind of weed.
Isn't that Satumalia?
Satumala, it was the ancient Roman seven-day festival of Saturn, which began on December 17th.
And it was a celebration marked by unrestrained, that's very key here, unrestrained revelry and often licentiousness, licentiousness.
What is that?
Licentiousness.
Licentiousness.
Good, yes.
And then it says, and then it's a semicolon and it says an orgy.
Okay, so that's so that's the fact.
So that's how Christmas started.
It certainly would be very happy holidays.
It was a sex festival.
Even during the Victorian era, it had a naughtiness to it.
Yes.
Yes, it did.
That's why they banned it in Massachusetts for a number of years.
Because it was considered.
The Puritans did not like Christmas.
They thought Christmas was dirty.
It was dirty.
It was known as the one time of year fat guys could get laid.
Well, actually, one of the traditions of Christmas in England was that the wealthy and their servants would trade places.
And so you could order, if you're a servant, you could order around your master for the pinky.
So here are some of the festivals' observations, observance in the time of the Greek poet Lucian, right?
He said, in addition to human sacrifice, which they would have on this festival, they also had widespread intoxication, going from house to house while singing naked, which was how Carolers got started.
This is true.
They would go to house to house singing naked while drunk, and then they would rape, and then they would have other sexual licentiousness, right?
And then they would consume human-shaped biscuits, still produced in some English and most German bakeries during the Christmas season.
And then after that, things got weird.
And so in the fourth century, in the fourth century, Christianity co-opted this festival of Satumalia in hoping to get pagans to become Christians, right?
So they decided to start celebrating this.
And Christian leaders succeeded in converting to Christianity large numbers of pagans by promising them that they could still celebrate Satumalia as Christians.
So that's how they got these pagans to become Christians.
The problem was that there was nothing intrinsically Christian about Satamalia.
So to remedy this, the Christian leaders named Satamalia's concluding day, September 25th, to be Jesus' birthday.
They just made it up.
Right.
Wow.
It's generally believed that Jesus was born probably in the spring, actually.
Uh-huh.
That makes a little more sense.
Jesus hated it because nothing is worse than when your birthday is on the same day as Christmas.
You don't get as many presents.
So the earliest Christmas holidays were celebrated by drinking, sexual indulgence, singing naked in the streets.
So that's how we get ripped off.
That's how Christmas got started.
But even in northern Europe, where it was the solstice festival, again, it was a lot of drinking and stuff because it's the end of that food.
You know, it's everybody basically like having the last of the harvest food and hunkering down for the next couple of months.
So here's this thing about what happened in Massachusetts.
So the Reverend, this guy's name is Increase Mather.
That's his name, Increase is his first name.
The Reverend Increase Mather of Boston observed in 1687 that the yearly Christians who first observed the Nativity on December 25th did not do so thinking that Christ was born in that month, but because the heathens Satamalia Festival was at the time kept in Rome, and they were willing to have those pagan holidays metamorphosized into Christian ones.
Because of its known pagan origin, Christmas was banned by the Puritans and its observance was illegal in Massachusetts between 1659 and 1681.
However, Christmas was still celebrated by most Christians.
Some of the most depraved customs of Satomalia's carnival were intentionally revived by the Catholic Church in 1466 when Pope Paul II, for the amusement of his Roman citizens, forced Jews to race naked through the streets of the city.
An eyewitness account reports, quote, before they were to run, the Jews were richly fed so as to make the race more difficult for them and at the same time more amusing for the spectators.
They ran amid Rome's taunting shrieks and pearls of laughter while the Holy Father stood upon a richly ornamented balcony and laughed heartily.
Good times.
But then they changed it, though.
They fed them afterwards and they told them at the end of their run there was a Chinese restaurant.
So it all worked out.
That made them run very fast.
So then in the 18th and 19th centuries, rabbis of the ghetto in Rome were forced to wear clownish outfits and march through the city streets to the jeers of the crowd, pelted by a variety of missiles.
I'm guessing just stuff thrown at people.
And when the Jewish community of Rome sent a petition in 1836 to Pope Gregory the 16th begging him to stop the annual Satomalia abuse of the Jewish community, he responded by saying, quote, it is not opportune to make any innovations.
So on December 25th, 1881, Christian leaders whipped the Polish masses into anti-Semitic frenzies that led to riots across the country.
And in Warsaw, 12 Jews were brutally murdered.
Huge numbers were maimed, and many Jewish women were raped.
Two million rubles worth of property were destroyed.
That's all in the name of Christmas.
So that's how Christmas got started.
This is in the 18th century.
Oh, anti-Semitism.
Is there anything you can't do?
So this is in the 18th and 19th century.
So that's the origin of Christmas, Megan Kelly.
Okay, just so you know.
It was a big orgy.
Santa Claus was still white, right?
And Santa Claus.
Okay, so you want to know how Santa Claus got started?
Saint Nicholas was born in Parara, Turkey in 270 and later became the bishop of Myra.
He died in the year 345 on December 6th.
He was only named a saint in the 19th century, even though he died in 346.
So Nicholas.
When you're born in a three, you really know you're in ancient times.
Yeah.
No kidding.
So Nicholas was among the most senior bishops who convened the Council of Nicaea in 325 and created the New Testament.
The text they produced portrayed Jews as the children of the devil who sentenced Jesus to death.
So this is Saint Nicholas.
All right.
So in 1087, a group of sailors who idolized Saint Nicholas moved his bones from Turkey to a sanctuary in Italy.
There, Nicholas supplanted a female boon-giving deity called the grandmother or Pasqua Epiphania, who used to fill the children's stocking with their gifts.
So they got rid of her and they just started to give all this these traits to this guy, St. Nick.
You couldn't say her name.
Couldn't say her name.
The grandmother was ousted from her shrine at Bari, which became the center of Nicholas's cult.
Members of his group gave each other gifts during a pageant they conducted annually on the anniversary of Nicholas's death on December 6th.
The Nicholas cult spread north until it was adopted by the Germans and the Celtic pagans.
These groups worshiped a pantheon led by Woden, their chief god and the father of Thor.
So this, so this is how cool.
So Wooden, so this guy, so Wooden or Waden.
It's Odin.
You don't pronounce the W?
Odin?
Okay, so Odin had a long white beard and rode a horse through the heavens one evening each autumn.
When St. Nicholas merged with Odin, he shed the Mediterranean appearance, meaning grew a beard, mounted a flying horse, rescheduled his flight from autumn to December, and donned heavy winter clothing.
So in a bid for pagan adherents in Northern Europe, the Catholic Church adopted the Nicholas cult and taught that he did distribute gifts on December 25th instead of December 6th.
So this is how Santa Claus got started.
So in 1809, the novelist Washington Irving, who's most famous for the legend of Sleepy Hollow, wrote a satire of Dutch culture entitled Knickerbocker History.
The satire refers to several times to be the white-bearded flying horse writing St. Nicholas used in his Dutch name, Santa Claus.
So this in 1809 is how Santa Claus really got started.
So he wrote this thing, and then Dr. Clement Moore, a professor at Union Seminary, read the Knickerbocker history.
And in 1822, he published a poem based on the character Santa Claus, T'Was the Night Before Christmas.
So that happened in 1822.
1823 was the first parody of the 1930s.
So then the Bavarian illustrator Thomas Nash almost completed the modern picture of Santa Claus.
From 1862 to 1886, based on that poem, Nass drew more than 2,000 cartoon images of Santa for Harper's Weekly.
Before NASS, St. Nicholas had been pictured as everything from a stern-looking bishop to a gnome-like figure in a frock.
But NAS also gave Santa a home at the North Pole, his workshop filled with elves, and his list of good and bad children of the world.
All Santa was missing was the red outfit.
So that came from this illustrator, Thomas Nass, in 1862.
He made up pretty much Santa, right?
Wow.
He should be getting, his family should be getting royalty.
He should be getting, but then, guess what?
As Robert mentioned last week, in 1931, the Coca-Cola Corporation contracted the Swedish commercial artist, Haddon Sundblom, to create a Coca-Cola drinking Santa.
And this guy, this artist Sundblom, modeled his Santa on his friend Lou Prentence, chosen for his cheerful, chubby face.
The corporation insisted that Santa's fur-trimmed suit be bright Coca-Cola red.
And Santa Claus was born, a blend of Christian crusader, pagan God, and a Coca-Cola commercial idol.
So when Santa has a red coat, it's because of Coca-Cola.
It has nothing to do with anything.
This completely invented thing, Santa Claus.
I actually, the subtler thing that's interesting about this is when people are always like, Santa, this is, do you understand that the idea of Santa Claus is cultish?
It's the worst form of idolatry that is condemned in the New Testament and the Old Testament.
And yes.
Like it's at the point that there was a cult of St. Nicholas.
It was very common.
There were cults all the time at that point in the ancient world.
And that's exactly what Christianity and Judaism were fighting against were these weird splinter cults.
Yes.
And so for them to say, well, Santa Claus is part of the, is this sacred part of the canon?
No, it couldn't be further.
It's actually seditious to the canon.
I agree.
Yes.
So again, as a lot of things in life, what's come to be accepted as a truism in modern or in mainstream culture, the exact opposite would be true, especially when things are surrounding religion.
You know, they say on the first day God created man or they say God created man in his own likeness and image.
When we all know anybody who's thinking, rational, and not completely devoted to fantasy knows that the reverse happened.
That God didn't invent man in his own likeness and image.
Man created God in his own likeness and image.
And that's why God has a beard and looks like Santa.
Are you trying to tell me that there's no Santa Claus?
I'm trying to tell you.
There's no Santa Claus.
True story.
When I was a kid and I believed in Santa Claus, this friend of mine, I guess I was five years old, said he told me there was no Santa Claus.
And he said, Frank, when you get older and as you're going off to college, your parents are going to tell you there's no Santa Claus.
As you go off to college, your parents.
Well, that was before the internet.
That's how it works for me.
That was before the internet.
Listen, I have a theory about scholars already.
I've told Jimmy this a couple times.
I think they're sociopaths.
They are.
Bill Clinton.
Yes.
Rachel.
Pete Beach.
You know, Pete makes me like Biden because Biden just owns it.
Everyone knows he's not woke.
Everyone knows he's problematic.
But Pete pretends to be woke and he's terrible.
This whole thing about not paying for college because it's unfair to rich people.
I think anyone buys that first.
Listen to this.
So here he is.
He's being interviewed by Robert Costa.
What are my faves?
He's really slow down.
He looks fantastic.
Real committed to the free press.
Yeah, really.
When it affects him, not anyone else.
Oh, no, this is different.
No, sorry, that's not.
Sorry, sorry.
Robert.
My bad.
Yeah.
Yeah, this is a different guy who lost some weight.
He looks fantastic.
He really does watch.
It's not just protesters.
Senator Warren said in a speech this week in New Hampshire that she has a rival in the race who, quote, offers top donors regular phone calls and special access when a candidate brags about how beholden he feels to a group of wealthy investors, our democracy is in serious trouble.
That comment was widely seen as a reference to you.
Is that a fair critique?
What's your response?
You know, the thing about these purity tests is the people issuing them can't even meet them, right?
I like the expression.
They can't even meet him, right?
He's so sensible.
Yes.
He's so down.
Hey, first of all, it's not a purity test.
Taking legal bribes is called corruption.
It's not purity.
It's called legal bribes.
That's called corruption.
Okay.
And so you could, so that's a guy who takes legal bribes.
He likes being bribed.
Then does the bidding of those people who paid him.
And then if you call him on that, he calls you a purist.
That's a purity test.
So if you're not pure, why are you impure?
So you're admitting you're not pure.
Well, why are you impure?
Why are you taking on some corruption, right?
Isn't that the implicit implied by him saying that it's a purity test?
He's implying that he's, in fact, is impure.
But it's an unreasonable demand, right?
That's what the implication is.
Yes.
It's like they're being there requiring the impossible.
And he gets a laugh.
If doing traditional fundraisers disqualifies you from running for president, then I guess neither one of us would be here.
Let's have a serious conversation about where this country is headed.
Oh, yeah.
It's the people who are upset that you take bribes that are the people who aren't serious about having a count.
Let's have a serious conversation.
So this is not a serious conversation.
So to be concerned about the bribery, which is the core at the rot of our democracy, that if you have a concern about that, you're not serious, according to Pete Buddhegigg, did you?
Mayor Pete, let's just call him Mayor Pete.
He has such a built-in advantage because it's hard to say his name.
So we call him Mayor Pete.
Sounds like we're have affection for him.
Yes.
Yeah, he's the, right?
He's the adult in the room.
Let's have a serious conversation, guys.
Come on.
And hitting somebody with a process purity test when we're in the debate of our lifetimes about what it's going to take to move this country forward in very specific policies.
And what it's going to take is getting money out of politics.
Why does he pretend that that's not, again, the biggest problem?
That's what causes all of these problems.
The reason why you're against Medicare for all, the reason why the banks are still bigger, the reason why we're in seven wars, the reason why we just gave Trump $131 billion extra dollars for his military.
It's because of money and politics.
And he's pretending like that.
You're some kind of a flim flam floozy.
If you think that's, you're some kind of a lightweight idiot.
Well, it's the voter.
It's like the shaming, right?
The voter shaming, the media, consumer shaming.
It's on us.
It's on them.
It's not his problem.
It's like, why do we care about that?
Hey, let's see.
Why is Mayor Pete in this run for president?
Why is this guy, what is he bringing to the table that Bernie Sanders isn't already way beyond?
Well, that's why he's in it because he's bringing the stuff that Sanders isn't.
He's bringing the like politically compromised, anti-social welfare state, anti-actual progressive.
You know, he wants to get, he wants to stop things like canceling student debt.
He wants to stop things like free college tuition, you know, public college tuition.
Yes.
I guess my question should have been put.
Why is a Republican running primary?
Someone tweeted Pete Buddhajig is the first gay man to run in the, to run as a Republican or something.
It was funny to make one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's so disingenuous because it would be one thing if he just admitted, look, I'm a conservative or I don't believe in economic equality.
But this whole, it's such a disingenuous dishonest argument that it somehow helps the rich to have free public college or debt cancellation or any programs that are universal.
Because if he cared about the most vulnerable in our society, he would know, because he's smart, because he's a Rhodes Scholar, he would know that the way that you keep programs like viable and you protect them from being slashed and you make them robust and sustainable and hard to get rid of is you make them universal.
Because when powerful people have buy-in, they don't want it to be gotten rid of.
It also destigmatizes them, right?
Which is why Newt Gingrich talked about welfare queens and not social security queens.
That's right.
So these people are just total liars with bad politics who don't care about poor people or working people and are not trying to protect them from the rich people who are going to use up all of their money by engaging in free college tuition, taking advantage of it.
He's, yeah.
And like, but Mayor Pete is so clean and he looks so like put together and so honest.
Hey, hey, I'm just, I'm just regular.
Hey, come on, guys.
Hey, I mean, right?
Not compromised.
I mean, come on, let's just be honest.
Let's have a serious conversation.
So again, he's lying.
Yeah.
Like he lied about his Mexico comments.
And he's a sadist when she was told to Gabbard when she was just quoting what he said.
She was citing it.
Oh, he was quoting, I want to invade Mexico.
Mexico to help.
He said, I would, I would, send you to Mexico to fight a drug war.
He would.
So his response is, you're an asadist, which is always a good sign that you really have a good argument when you don't engage in the substance.
Well, besides, our drug war has been very successful in the United States.
Who goes into the who this guy was raised.
I'm glad his father isn't around to see this because his father was a Gramscian scholar, a scholar of Marxism.
He wrote about Antonio Gramsci.
Really?
Yeah.
He and Kamala Harris both have Marx's fathers.
His dad was a big translator of Antonio Gramsci.
He was like the found, basically.
I had no idea.
Yeah.
And you know what else he did?
He wrote an essay.
I think you guys have covered this, right?
Pete Buddyjig, Buddha Judge, whatever, who am I a Buddha judge?
He wrote an essay praising that won an award, a Kennedy Honors Award in high school about how great Bernie Sanders was.
Yes.
And I want Pete to be the man he was when he wrote that essay.
And I want him to be the man he is, the son of his father, and not the conservative, pseudo, like above the fray.
Guys, we don't, this is these food fights are what make us look bad to people.
That's what it is.
It's when politicians attack each other or talk about the issues.
That's why people are upset with that.
That's not why people are upset with Washington because they bicker.
Yeah, exactly.
If only they bickered about policy, which is what people were, some people were trying to do on that stage.
Yeah.
What policies actually would Buddy gig differ with Trump?
That's hard to.
Well, at least he's going to offer you a public option.
Trump hasn't done that.
Yes.
Medicare for all who want it, right?
Well, some facts that he would.
He's campaigning.
Similarly, Donald Trump.
Trump also campaigned on that.
Yeah, you're right.
I thought he was going to lose the primary when he's like, I'm not going to let people die in the street.
I was like, oh, there goes the Republican nomination.
Trump won't get that.
But no, he powered through.
Turns out people are cool with that.
Yeah.
I guess so, yeah.
So there's your Pete Buddhigig.
There he is being a complete gaslighting liar.
And of course, Pete, Mayor Pete, great on racial justice, which is why his campaign had to lie and pretend that 400 black people signed a letter supporting his Douglas plan, which I think if we think of it as being named after Stephen Douglas, who debated Lincoln in the famous Lincoln Douglas campaign debates, then it makes sense.
He was like a slavery defender, basically.
He claims it was named after Frederick Douglass.
That doesn't make sense.
But if we think of it as Stephen Douglas, then it does.
Then it makes sense.
Yeah.
But remember those three black leaders who signed who endorsed it, except none of them did.
Except none of them did.
Not one, not a one.
And how does he not get one question about that, Katie?
Oh, because he gets a minor question about it, which Kamala Harris then just covers for him.
Actually, it may be a kid of a Marxist solidarity thing.
That was my guess because they were both Marxists.
A little nerdy joke.
They're both at their dad's Marxists.
That's right.
And no, he didn't get a question about that.
Can you imagine for a second?
Not that Sanders would ever do this, but imagine if that had happened in the Sanders campaign.
Yes.
They would be calling for him to step down.
They would be saying he's the racist misogynist that we always knew he was.
Somehow, Mayor Pete has terrible.
Oh, also, he fired a black police chief for the crime of wanting to listen to his racist cops talking about him.
He didn't set up the recording of those, by the way.
It's like a complicated thing, but basically he fired him.
Then he demoted him.
He rehired him and demoted him.
There is all this, like, you know, and there's all this impunity of the police under his under his leadership.
When you're a mayor, like you're the executive, what did, or like you're the manager, like Fuomo said about being the governor.
But this is not, this is an instance.
How big is South Bend?
I mean, the guy is the mayor.
He should be scaring the police.
Yeah, I think he got like 8,000 votes to become mayor.
That's right.
And it was a landslide victory, probably, right?
Yes.
That's a sad thing.
But yeah, this guy is not.
He's no good.
And he knows better.
That's the thing.
He knows better.
Yeah, because he's a sociopath.
That's a socialist.
He's also known as a Rhodes Scholar.
Or a Rhodes Desktop.
Yeah.
Kamala Zed, who is alive and a Marxist.
Did you see that he was really angry at her because she made some joke on the radio about how, of course, she does marijuana, my family is Jamaican?
Yeah.
And he was like, our ancestors would be rolling in their grave.
Yes.
Like, who has a better vision on how to make sure we move to universal health care in this country?
And in broader terms, about what kind of path is needed to create that sense of belonging and replace that sense of exclusion that is defining American life.
You know, he is such a phony.
Like, he knows those he knows how to talk.
He knows how to.
Look at him.
He knows all the, he knows the moves.
He knows all the moves, baby.
He knows how to make his voice crack.
Do you think he studied Bill Clinton?
Yes.
Maybe they have a special course and how to transition from sociopath to successful presidential candidate.
Do you remember when he was asked about, they were all asked about whether the voting rights, voting rights should be extended to the incarcerated?
Do you remember this in one of the town halls?
And Sanders was the only one who said without any hesitation, of course, they should have the right to vote no matter how terrible your crime.
Because again, he's that weird thing where not as much as you'd like him to be, but where he's principal.
Principal.
Right.
Yeah.
So he said right away when he was asked, no, I don't.
I don't think they should get the right to vote.
And then he says, you know, felons, yes.
And I think the people across the aisle know that there's a racial layer to it.
So basically he's saying Republicans don't want to give felons the right to vote.
And that's because it's racist, right?
They're racist and they want to disenfranchise as many black people as they can.
Okay.
Again, your road scholar, you should get this.
If it's racist after they're in jail, it's also racist when they're in jail.
Unless he thinks these people are like white in jail and then transition to black once they're released.
So he's basically saying racism is okay when the people are locked up.
Only when they're out of jail should we care about this.
Yeah, that is what he's saying.
Yeah.
And people don't notice.
I mean, he did, because he does it in hominess to God.
It's like he must have been, I bet he practices how to talk and his moves more than a magician does his act.
Well, I also have a theory.
I believe he's also the first robot to run for president.
Ah, you know, Andrew Yang says he's going to replace everybody's right.
Oh, yeah.
There you go.
That's live and proof.
Got this robot.
Look at him.
Robe scholar.
This deserves to be at the center of the debate.
And that's where I'm going to keep my focus.
He's going to keep his focus.
And of course, Robert Cassett doesn't say anything back to him.
He doesn't go, hey, by the way, that doesn't make any sense what he just said.
Why are you pretending like money in politics is like some frivolous problem that it doesn't affect everything?
Of course, he's not going to say that because I bet this is being sponsored by Bank of America.
Remember when Bernie was interviewed by him?
He comes out and goes, is this really sponsored by Bank of America?
And then what did he say?
He misquoted Bernie.
He made it seem like Bernie was dismissing something.
Do you remember this?
Yeah, he was like, I said it was bull.
Bernie was like, read the rest of the quote.
Oh, that's right.
What was it that he said?
Yeah, he kept trying to get Bernie in Bernie's.
Yeah.
And then Bernie goes, read the rest of the quote.
Yeah.
And he's like, no, no, read the rest of the quote.
It was something, I think, about voting rights or how basically it was.
I forget something.
Yeah, but the takeaway was that Sanders was being progressive on it.
And he was dishonestly framing it, and he got caught.
And of course, he's faced the consequences.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hey, Jimmy, it's Joe Biden.
Wow.
How are you?
I'm fine, Mr. Vice President.
Thanks for asking.
Call me Joe.
How's everybody doing?
You know, Steph and Ron, the whole gang.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written by Ron Placone, Mark Van Landowitz, Steph Zamarano, Jim Earl, Mike McRae, and Roger Rittenhouse.
All the voices performed today by the one and the only of the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
Do not, do not.
Do not freak out.
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