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July 18, 2019 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20190718_TJDS_20190718_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy.
Yeah?
It's Jake Tamper from CNN.
Oh, hi, Jake.
Host of the lead with Jake Tamper.
Right, right, right.
Jake Tamper.
Yeah, okay, I get it.
How can I help you, Jake?
You left me a message.
I'm just calling you back.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot.
Jake, you had white supremacist Richard Spencer on your television program.
What the hell were you thinking?
All right, look, I'm getting flack for that decision.
A lot of flack.
More flack than I think is warranted, to be honest.
You deserve a lot of flack, Jake.
I stand by my decision.
I was doing a segment about Trump's racist tweets.
I thought it was important to find out what actual racists thought about those tweets.
So I reached out to America's most high-profile racist and gave him a platform on my TV show.
I fail to see the problem here.
The segment wasn't even combative, Jake.
You didn't even grill him about his abhorrent views.
Well, Jimmy, let me explain to you how journalism works.
I know you're curious.
There's this thing called access that we need to preserve.
So if I made coming on CNN an unpleasant experience for Richard Spencer, he might not come back on the show next time we needed to put a giant racist on television.
You're unbelievable.
You're unbelievable, Jake.
Yes, credibility is important, too.
Is there anyone you wouldn't have on your show?
Jimmy, in order to get the facts about a news story and share those facts with my viewers, I would reach out to anyone and everyone, especially if they're well-groomed and have a dapper look to them that pops well on camera.
So you are concerned about optics then.
It's television, Jimmy.
We can't be putting ugly, disheveled racists on air.
Yeah, I guess it doesn't matter that looking sharp and well put together is right out of the Nazi handbook.
Actually, Richard Spencer doesn't identify as a Nazi per se.
Oh, what is he then?
Technically a white nationalist, which differs from actual Nazism in some regards.
I learned this during a very long cordial conversation I had with Mr. Spencer off air.
So you were cozying up to a Nazi in your spare time.
Like I said, white nationalist.
And yes, Jimmy, I'm a journalist, and I will talk to whoever I need to to get the full story.
Even a Nazi.
White nationalist.
Jeez, Jimmy.
What is the difference exactly?
White nationalists call themselves white nationalists, not Nazis.
It's a difference of self-identification, which is very important.
But their ideology.
Oh, essentially the same, just horrific from the darkest corners of humanity's soul.
Okay, I see.
Hey, maybe you can have me on your show to discuss this further.
Okay, Jimmy.
Very funny.
Pretty sure your views are a little too extreme for CNN.
Okay, good one, Jake.
You're a total fraud on a shield of boot.
Hey, enough with the flack!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk to KW.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
We'll see you in St. Louis this Sunday, July 21st, St. Louis.
Jag Off Comedy at the Funny Bone.
August 2nd.
We're in Burbank, California.
New York already sold out for August 13th and 14th.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a list for all tickets for all our live shows, like September 1st in San Francisco, August 24th in Denver, Colorado.
Baltimore, September 8th.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
All right, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Hey, breaking news.
After years of investigative reporting, CNN and MSNBC uncover the shocking revelation that Donald Trump is a racist.
In other news, a power blackout in New York City cut the lights at MSNBC, forcing Rachel Maddow to connect the dots to the glow off of Lawrence O'Donnell's nose.
In the wake of President Trump's racist attacks on four congresswoman, Nancy Pelosi announced she's posting a House resolution to condemn it.
The only thing missing from this equation is Hillary telling Trump to cut it out.
You know, Nancy Pelosi laughingly condemning Donald Trump's racism by once again sanctifying Ronald Reagan is probably the sickest effing thing I've watched since sitting through Jupiter Ascending.
Hey, Beto O'Rourke revealed this week that he's descended from slave owners.
No, kidding.
That's a joke.
That's not the joke part.
The joke part is, so that's where he got into the habit of denying black people housing and hopping up on tables like an auctioneer.
Ooh, that's pretty heavy duty, right?
I don't know about that.
I don't know.
The first part worked out.
The second part.
Yikes.
So Kamala Harris went on a show called The Breakfast Club a few days ago, and she blamed the whole take-a-knee thing on, you know, the Kaepernick take-a-knee thing.
She blamed that whole thing on ready, Russian bots.
No.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, racism wasn't a thing in America until Russian bots started taking that on, right?
And Benedict Arnold didn't turn traitor until he saw an etching of Catherine the Great's penis chair.
I don't even understand that term.
There's too much going on in that joke there, Cha-Cha.
I got Catherine the Great flying at me with Benedict Donald.
Penis, Chair.
What is a penis?
Let's stop it already.
There's two jokes there.
There's three.
What's coming up on this week's show?
Donny Deutsch reveals the rot inside the establishment media and Democratic Party.
He accidentally admits he's going to vote for Donald Trump if the nominee is a socialist.
That's right.
Cats out of the bag.
Plus, Nancy Pelosi reveals she's really Trump's enabler.
Who's she fighting with?
The answer just may surprise you, or will it?
Plus, Joe Biden forgets when he was actually vice president.
That's right.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Chris Christie, and Jake Tapper.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
I'm calling Bernie Sanders to ask about the event he just did with the Washington Post Robert Costa.
I hope he's not grumpy.
Hello.
Robert Costa has all the journalistic integrity of a sick wombat's fecal pap.
I've had it with this shitty shit shit.
I don't even know who the hell's calling me right now, and I'm already fucking fed up to my chromedome with whomever the hell it is.
What about us, by the way?
I guess I correctly use whomever.
So get the fuck out of my face, you goddamn grandma nautie.
Oh, you again.
Will no one rid me of this meddlesome podcast?
I'm on your side, Bernie.
If you're on my side, you'd at least donate five clams to my campaign.
But I have donated.
Please tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do with a don't freak out tote bag.
I'm not freaking out.
I'm freaking in.
There's a big difference, young man.
And happy birthday to your lovely wife, by the way.
I think that I can speak for the bottom 90% of American wage earners by saying that you don't deserve her.
Okay, but what happened with Robert Costa at that event?
In true Jeff Bezos, Washington Post style, he unloaded a quote of mine from 1974, taken out of context, the bonehead.
Unlike all the other brain-dead miscreants running against me, i.e., Joe Biden, I actually remember stuff I said decades ago.
I even remember the first words I uttered after angrily shooting out of my mother's womb.
Unacceptable.
What did it cost to leave out of your quote regarding busing?
That, quote, the federal government doesn't give a shit about African Americans, and neither did Joe Biden.
He's also a liar about Medicare for all.
Deal with it or get out of my way, you numbskulls.
I fucking had it with all the bullshit.
Wow, you're really worked up, buddy.
Worked up?
I've been meditating all day.
This is me relax.
You know, about Biden lying, are you referring to him saying this about your Medicare for All plan?
He said, Medicare for all goes away as you know it.
All the Medicare you have is gone.
I'll tell you what's gone.
His goddamn brain is gone.
That's what happens when you let your hair plugs grow inward.
Gotta fish or cut bait on that hair club shit.
The dream is over, Joe.
And don't get me wrong, Joe's a friend of mine.
But the top 90% of his hair said goodbye to the remaining 1% long ago.
I accept my baldness.
Why?
Because my hair understands it's not me, but us.
Where are you off to next, Birdie?
An interview on MSNBC, where they'll probably pull up some damaging footage of me laughing at Vaughan Meta.
What the?
What the fuck?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Amen.
Thank you.
Amen.
So, Joe Biden gave an interview, and I think he's starting to forget dates and times and exactly when he was vice president.
Because listen to what he says.
Here we go.
Ready?
Look at what's happening with Putin.
While Putin is trying to undo our elections, he is undoing elections in Europe.
Look what's happened in Hungary.
Look what's happened in Poland.
Look what's happened in Mogo.
Look what's happening.
You think that would have happened on my watch or Barack's watch?
You can't answer that, but I promise you it wouldn't have.
Whoopsie, it happened under your watch.
Oh, this Russia gate.
I don't know if you guys know you were president and vice president then.
That was your administration.
When all that stuff happened, when they undermined our 2016, who do you think was, you think Trump was president before 2016's election?
It was Barack Obama and you.
Smarty pads.
Look at that.
Flook.
Ah, shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, they were busy letting that proxy war in Yemen happen and not doing anything at Standing Rock.
So they had a full plate, Jimmy.
They were busy putting on their loafers doing nothing.
And that's kind of stunning that he doesn't.
If you think that would happen under our watch, the whole fucking thing happened under your watch.
All of it.
By the way, none of it happened.
It's all made up.
He's just picking countries.
He's just making.
Let me just tell you something, Joe.
Do you know Russia has an economy smaller than California's?
You know, California has a bigger economy.
We're number fifth economy in the world.
Number six is Russia.
So you're telling me a country that has a smaller economy than California is somehow controlling the entire world's elections.
Hungry and everywhere.
And nobody has to be responsible for how they're governing.
Isn't that convenient that you don't have to be responsible for handing us Trump?
Because that's what you did.
That's what you did when you didn't prosecute the bankers.
You handed Trump the presidency.
That's what you did when you didn't give people a public option or Medicare for all.
You handed Trump the presidency.
You did that, Joe.
You and Barack Obama and the neoliberal Democratic Party did that.
The Russians didn't do that.
The Russians didn't make 80% of workers live paycheck to paycheck.
The Russians didn't leave 30 million people out of their health care plan.
You did that, Joe.
You left 30 million people out of your health care plan.
Russia didn't.
Russia gives Medicare for all to everybody who lives there.
You know who fucks their people over?
You do.
This is cowardice.
And Joe Biden's a coward.
And anybody who goes along with Russia Gate is either a useful idiot or a coward.
And the fact that I see through it, and I just saw through it for an hour with Aaron Matei, lets you know that they see through it too.
They're fucking lying cowards.
Now he's going to blame all the refugee crisis of Europe on Russia, even though it was him bombing Libya.
Him going along with the Iraq war.
Him going along with bombing Syria.
It's him.
It's not Russia.
It's Joe Biden and Barack Obama and the neoliberal Democratic Party and the Republican Party.
They're the ones doing this shit to America.
It's not Russia.
How convenient.
It's preposterous.
Had Obama actually delivered on the things that we voted for him because we voted for.
We all got swept up and he got us out of Iraq and Afghanistan and bailed us out.
If I still own my home, all these millions of people.
Everybody had healthcare.
Everyone had health care.
I would be like, I'll vote Democrat till the day I die.
Which is what people did to FDR.
Yes, yes.
After FDR.
I'll vote Democrat to the day I die.
I'm still in my home.
I have free health care.
I'd be like, see what happens.
Eight years of Bush.
We had Obama and Biden come in and they saved us.
They got us everything.
We're no more in war.
Oh, look at all that green energy Obama put into place.
Oh, wow.
We could be stemming, you know, if it wasn't for Obama, we would be facing climate extinction.
Oh, guess what?
We are because they did nothing.
They did nothing.
They did put fracking pipes underneath the country from coast to coast.
That's right.
That was Barack Obama.
Did that?
He did lift the regulation that wouldn't allow us to export fossil fuels.
He got rid of that.
So that's why fracking pipes are taking stuff so they can export it.
That's what that's about.
Oh, so mean, had he put an infrastructure of actual water pipes, all that flooding in the Midwest could be spread to drought areas, and then we wouldn't have 58% of our crops.
We only have 58% of our corn has been planted.
It's a disaster.
We're going to face food shortages.
Yep, I just did a video on it.
Because of the flooding, it's an old adage.
Corn should be knee-high by the 4th of July.
We just had the 4th of July.
What is that?
32% of the crops, 42% of the crops are not planted right yet.
They just got planted because of all the flooding in the Midwest.
All these farmers on Twitter are showing flooded fields, tractors in the mud.
Oh, this is a huge disaster.
So if we had a pipeline of water, we could disperse the flooding, take it to the drought areas, but now it's fracking, and then we have to hire.
Who was up at Standing Rock?
Oh, that's right.
Tiger Swan.
That's right.
Tiger Swan was up there.
Joe Biden, he's, I think he's like literally losing his mind.
I think he might be suffering from something because he just, he looks, and he doesn't even know what he's saying.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
He doesn't, he's picking country.
He just, he just listed off five countries he just picked off the top of his head.
People want to make fun of his plastic surgery.
I want to applaud it because I think.
I want to know who the doctor is.
I think he'll look, because I want to look like that one.
That's great.
I think it looks, except he's getting the dead guy hair, right?
When you ever go to a wake, you see the guy, the cadaver.
You're like, wow, if somebody had to comb the dead guy's hair.
That's what it looks like.
Yeah, if I die, just give me the Biden.
Yeah.
But I think he looks fantastic.
People make, I would like to get rid of whatever the fuck is hanging underneath my chin and get rid of these things.
Look at that.
He doesn't even have these things.
Look at that.
Watch, watch.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, what am I?
What am I?
21 years old?
You just became legal to drink, Jimmy.
Oh, I'm going to get carted.
Oh, wow.
Oh.
Look at that.
See if I do that.
Oh, I'm a pro-choice Republican.
I'm a pro-choice Democrat.
There we go.
He doesn't even have the Keith.
I call these the Keith Richards.
Right?
Everybody gets these, man.
He doesn't even have that.
Look at that.
That's amazing.
He's got a younger looking Keith Richards didn't meet.
Oh, my gosh, Jimmy.
I'm going to have to see your ID.
Do that again.
Do that again one more time.
Wow.
I'm in favor of your crime bill now.
Oh, man.
Hey, I'm the guy who wrote the crime.
Yeah, I know.
He loves to do that.
I'm the guy.
Yeah, I know.
You're out of politics.
Your ideas are old.
Yeah.
It'd be one thing if he had new ideas.
Like, Bernie has ideas that we haven't implemented yet.
That's new.
Those are new.
Those are good ideas.
Well, that's Chris Christie's phone.
Hello.
Just a bunch of phonies, connivers, power grabbers, and snakes.
That's what they are.
Hear me?
Who?
Them.
They, there, those people.
Read about them in my new book.
Fucking let me finish you, some of a bitch, before I cram a pillow over your mouth full.
Follow me.
That's the title of your book?
It was either that or my erogenous zones, the power of in-your-face politics and binge eating.
Why would anybody want?
Why would anyone want to read that?
Because it answers all your interrogatories to take the simple techniques for taking charge of unhealthy patterns of behavior.
For instance, say some punk pitches you offer the ball game while you're enjoying a leisurely briefcase.
What do you do?
You probably accept it because you're a public figure and it comes with the territory.
Very close.
But in this case, you'll get his fucking face so close he'll think Paul Sorvino's slicing garlic four feet up his ass.
Stuff like that there.
Would you laugh at that?
Where does the binge eating come in?
You don't listen so good, do you?
You got them natural.
You got the nachos in your mouth the whole time.
And another load safely last.
And another load safely last.
And another load safely lying in your rocket area.
And then some men keep a watch on the bucket of chips there.
That's called multi-taxi.
Questions?
I thought the nachos were in your briefcase.
They are.
But you need a bucket of chips to resupply your nachos.
You can't just keep losing chips.
You can't just keep losing chips in a nacho briefcase and leave a gap in there.
And before you know it, there's no more nachos.
Simple strategiary tactics.
Jay with military ops.
You can't break the supply chain.
I'm like a shock.
I'm constantly eating.
I thought the thing, I thought the thing with chalks was that they're constantly moving.
Eating's moving.
Yeah.
Yeah.
*laughter*
Back to your book.
What if someone asks you a question you don't like?
Glad you brought that up.
You grab a hero sandwich in each head.
And if you can't access a G-Ro, don't panic.
You can substitute any kind of animal flesh except turkey.
Turkey's for homos.
Don't ask me why.
It's too complicated for me to explain right now.
Anyway, you stuff a ham sandwich smothering mayonnaise and prolong and other shit in each coat pocket.
Cram it out of your mouth and presto.
You're set to move fast and hard on that lousy punk-ass pipsqueak lowlife scum.
*laughter*
Okay, but how is this taking charge of your unhealthy patterns of behavior?
Not my behavior, Dave.
Oh, and what if you suck up to a presidential candidate who regularly humiliates you and lies about giving you a position in his cabinet?
Okay, that requires an entire lunch buffet.
Preferably southern Indian curries with clarified butter and unlimited amounts of white rice, onion fritters, and those little pyramid-shaped potato dumplings with the sweet plum sauce.
So let's recap.
Endless supply chain.
Constantly eating.
Not my behavior.
Dash.
That's how you deal with Trump and his punk rifters, those fucking weakling, unconvicted felons.
Well, you're still voting for Trump 2020, right?
Oh, yeah.
That was hard for me to get through.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show is you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week, and it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to jimmydoorcomedy.com, clicking on join premium.
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And it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
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We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
so nancy pelosi ladies and gentlemen So you know what happened, right?
The House reluctantly passed a $4.6 billion in emergency funds for the humanitarian crisis at the southern U.S. border on Thursday after a tense week of a long battle with the Senate over restrictions and proposals Democrats said would better the care of migrants, including children in detention centers.
This is in the USA today.
So what happened was the House, which is now controlled by the Democrats, they passed a bill that would fund the border, but would have protections for the immigrants and the children, right?
They sent that to the Senate.
Mitch McConnell said, pound sand, here's our fucking bill, and it's going to fund the military, and it's going to screw the immigrants.
And Nancy Pelosi said, well, House Speaker Nancy Kelosi announced that she was caving Thursday.
She caved.
She fucking caved.
And instead, instead of pushing further for a bill in the House with added restrictions on the care for immigrants, instead, the Democrats would vote on a bipartisan measure that passed in the Senate on Wednesday in order to quickly get the resources to help support the influx of migrants, including families and children seeking asylum on the border.
Nancy Pelosi said, the children come first.
What the fuck?
How could you do that and say that?
What she is saying, it's all right.
Yes, yes.
That's the guy who's primarying her?
Yes.
We're going to have him on the show.
Yeah.
She fucking caved.
She just caved.
They said, even in the USA Today said she fucking caved.
She caved.
And you know, the Democrats, the Democrats say that it's very important that you compromise in politics.
And there's no better time for compromise than every fucking day for the rest of their goddamn life.
That's what the Democrats do.
So here she goes, in order to get the resources to the children fastest, we will reluctantly pass the Senate bill.
As we pass the Senate bill, we will do so with a battle cry as to how we go forward to protect children in a way that truly honors their dick.
Their battle cry?
My battle cry is, I caved yesterday to Trump.
I'm caving today to Trump.
i will cave tomorrow to trump because i'm nancy pelosi and i serve the same donors that he serves Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says, under no circumstances, under no circumstances should the House vote for a McConnell-only bill with no negotiations with the Democrats.
Hell no, she says.
That's an abdication of power we should refuse to accept.
They will keep hurting kids if we do.
And she continued, she says, we have a majority in the House and we need to use it and negotiate.
What's the point of having a majority if you just do what fucking Mitch McConnell wants to do anyway?
What is the point of us voting in the last election to get the House Democrats to come back in power if you're just going to do what fucking Mitch McCaffrey?
There's no point to having Democrats control shit because they just do what the fucking oligarchs want them to do anyway.
And this is proof.
Jimmy, I was at the Abolish ICE protest downtown Chicago, which I was very proud of my hometown.
And one of the women speaking said, this is not the time for this sort of pragmatic incremental centrism.
It's time for bold fucking action.
And this fucking bullshit that she does, she caves and then says, battle test it.
It's all nonsense.
It's a fucking coexist sticker on a Prius and then the person flips you the fuck off in traffic.
So sick of this.
Any blue will do.
We just need a blue in here.
Who?
Like these fucking blues that just sold us the fuck out?
These goddamn blues?
Fuck them.
The Democrats rolled over on DACA.
They rolled over on this border bill.
They rolled over on deregulating Wall Street.
They rolled over on fast-tracking Trump's judges.
They are fucking enabling Trump.
And if you want to fight Trump, fight Nancy fucking Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
Thank you.
Contrary to popular belief, there is very little daylight between Trump and Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
There is very little daylight.
And that's why I'm wearing this fucking yellow vest.
Ocasio-Cortez went on Twitter like I showed you and she called out Nancy Pelosi.
And Nancy Pelosi said, all these people have their public whatever and their Twitter world, but they didn't have any following.
There are four people, and that's how many votes they got.
So Ocasio said, the public whatever is called public sentiment.
And wielding the power to shift it is how we actually achieve meaningful change in this country.
And then Ilhan Omar said, you know they're just salty about who is wielding the power to shift public sentiment these days, sister.
Sorry, not sorry.
That's right.
They're upset people who actually represent people instead of donors are having a say in what the fuck happens.
And that's what's pissing off Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and all the elites.
And here she says, I find it strange when members act as though social media isn't important.
They set millions of dollars on fire to run TV ads so people can see their message.
I haven't dialed for dollars once this year and have more time to do my actual job.
Yet we'd rather campaign like it's 2008.
And you should, it's notable here.
So Oman and AOC, these are two women of color in Congress.
Are they having a Twitter battle with Paul Ryan or Mitch McConnell?
No.
No!
They're having it with Nancy fucking Pelosi, who has that much fucking difference between Mitch McConnell.
You can't see any light between my fucking fingers because there's that much no difference between them.
This lesser of the two evil thing is the dumbest goddamn thing I've ever heard in my fucking life.
And what I think is funny is that Nancy Pelosi say they're like four people.
They have four votes.
Well, the actual vote was 305 to 102.
95 Democrats voted against that stupid fucking bill that had no protections for immigrants.
95.
That's 40% of the Democratic caucus.
And she's still, hey, yeah, yeah, four people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And now you wonder why you lost the fucking Trump?
Because you have no idea what's going on in your own goddamn country.
Because you're a hundred millionaire that you made while you were in office.
And you know who makes a million dollars when they're in office?
Fucking criminals.
Nancy Pelosi is the poster child for term limits.
Yes.
Yeah.
So I just want to remind Nancy Pelosi that three quarters of Americans support raising taxes on the rich.
Three quarters.
75% of Americans want to tax the rich.
That's what America is.
Also, 61% of fucking Republicans think that the gap between rich and poor is a very big problem or a moderate problem.
Plus, in 2018, in the midterm elections, in Missouri and Arkansas, those voters voted to raise the minimum wage.
And voters in Utah and Idaho and Nebraska voted to expand fucking Medicaid.
That's where the country is, you dumb corporate motherfucker.
That's not a fringe.
That's not a fringe.
And so the whole country feels this way.
And our leaders, the opposition party, is in bed with the fucking opposition.
Not with us.
They're in bed with the fucking establishment.
And that's why you've got to put on a yellow vest and we've got to get in the fucking streets.
Because ain't nothing going to happen until we shut capitalism down.
And now we go back to Dylan Rattigan doing a news report from a dentist office.
And here's what he has to say about Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats.
The Democrats.
The Democrats want you to believe that their party is, of course, wonderful and fabulous and wants to help save the world and all the rest of this.
And they want you to believe that the only problem with the American political system is the Republicans and, more importantly, the corruption of the American political system and the Republicans by the Russians.
This, of course, would be the most horrible thing that could come from the current political situation.
Because if we allow the Democratic Party to convince anybody, ridiculous they've even convinced themselves, that the primary issue of the American political process is Donald Trump and the Republicans, that validates their capacity to sustain themselves in a disgusting and corrupt fashion.
The reality is, the only reason we have Donald Trump as our president and these horrendous Republicans, is because of the unadulterated failure and corruption in the Democratic Party.
Think about how bad, how unappealing, how offensive Barack Obama and ultimately Hillary Clinton had to be to the American population, in order for them to even remotely begin to choose someone like Donald Trump as a better alternative.
Think about how bad people have to view the level of corruption in the Democratic Party to think of Donald Trump as a remotely preferable alternative.
Donald Trump is terrible.
The Republicans are offensive beyond comprehension.
But the solution is not the Democrats.
The solution is a final terminal bypass of these two utterly corrupt political parties.
The solution is a final terminal bypass of these two very few people.
The solution is a final bypass of these two very few people.
So, I mean, anyway, so they ask him about the debate and listen to what a millionaire...
By the way, he was...
His dad started an advertising company, so he's born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and now he doesn't fucking...
He never did anything in his life.
He doesn't fucking do anything in his life.
He just dresses nicely, and he has a...
You know, that's what...
Want to know what a $300 haircut looks like?
That's what a fucking $300 haircut looks like.
So, $300 for a fucking haircut.
Anyway, that's what they get.
That's what they get.
That's what they call your hair on a jet.
Well, if you're on a jet.
I need a haircut on my jet.
$300.
So, this is...
After a $300 haircut, do you come?
I'm asking for a friend.
That's not nice.
Me llamo Robert Francis O'Rourke.
Uh...
Un'a mexicano is...
ill irish that's called a haircut with release anyway that's how much for the haircut in the small room anyway here we go this is just for weirdos like me who fucking used to go to whorehouses anyway Anyway, seeing Cicero.
Here we go.
Thank God the FBI cleaned up Cicero.
So now people have to go to Indiana for their...
This is so wrong.
So here's Donny Deutsch.
And they ask him about the debate.
Here's what he says.
That is the big thing, and it was not addressed tonight.
This is not an issues campaign.
This is who.
This is not an issues campaign.
Yo, no, politics isn't about issues, just like sporting events aren't about scoring.
So this is a guy.
Again, remember, this is a guy born a millionaire.
He is a millionaire.
He has no real problems.
So of course the election isn't about issues to him.
They're not about issues to him.
Here we go.
Watch up.
That is the big thing, and it was not addressed tonight.
This is not an issues campaign.
This is who is the bully that can beat the bully.
So we need to nominate a bully.
So we just nominate the rock?
How about we get the rock and turn this thing into WWE?
Just let's just fucking do it.
Let's make this professional wrestling.
This isn't.
Politics already sucks and is in the fucking gutter and Donny Deutsche fucking wants to make it even worse.
We need another bully.
That's what he says.
Do you want to say?
No?
Okay.
I think, interestingly enough, Booker showed a certain strength there.
Booker.
Booker is his bully.
Name a time when someone named Corey ever kicked someone's ass.
Never.
Corey?
Hey, hey man, how'd you lose your arm?
Fucking Corey.
We got more.
Would you watch what he said?
Went to Blasso, even though I found him annoying also, he cut through.
And I think that is the driver.
It's not issues.
It's not universal health care.
It's not a woman's report.
It's not universal health care, says the guy who has four gold-plated fucking Cadillac health care.
It's not about health care that you don't have because I have fucking health care.
It's not about a woman's right to choose because I have a dick.
So none of this stuff affects a millionaire who, but that's the guy MSNBC wanted to come and give his fucking opinion on the debate.
So 46,000 people die a year because of health care, but that's not the issue.
That's not the fucking issue.
There we go.
Productive rights, as important as that is.
We have lived through all these things before.
We've lived through Iran.
We have lived through Korea.
We have lived.
First of all, he meant to say Iraq.
We lived through Iraq.
We lived through Korea.
Yeah, and guess what, Donnie?
You didn't fucking volunteer to serve in any of those wars, did you?
So there's a lot of people who didn't live through Iraq, you motherfucker.
Chicken honk.
Issues on health care.
We have not lived through an assault on our democracy.
You can't live through an assault on something that doesn't exist.
We don't have a democracy.
We have a semblance of democracy.
You know that.
Nothing that you want ever is reflected back in the laws.
You know that.
Legislatures don't.
Top 20%, 10%, 1%.
That's it.
The bottom 80%, our opinions are never considered by legislators.
This is not a democracy.
This is an oligarchy, but that feels like a democracy to a guy with a $5,000 suit.
This is...
This is called news analysis at MSNBC, ladies and gentlemen.
A millionaire to tell you what you can't have.
Here we go.
an assault on our senses.
What?
Is Donald Trump also smell bad?
Oh, oh, oh.
My olfactory is offended.
Huh?
Olfactory, pretty good use.
That's right.
I dared him to use that word tonight.
And I went to Columbia College and I still know what that fucking word means.
And I love how he just, you know, Iraq, Iran, whatever.
We're going to blow up Iran anyway.
So who gives a shit?
Fucking tomato, tomato.
It's all a big fucking war machine.
He doesn't care.
Doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.
He's never known what he's talking about.
It's up right there where he looks like somebody's fisting him.
All right, here we go.
But he is lensing everything through.
So I don't think Warren moved that ball particularly.
I do think, interestingly enough, Booker did move.
Okay, I'm done with this fucking guy.
I'm done.
I don't have time.
Okay.
But here's Donny Dewey.
Watch this.
Here is, you think he got a little better.
Watch this.
What has to happen now, this can no longer be about who Trump is.
It has to be about who we are.
Oh, so what he's saying is we can't focus on Trump.
We have to focus on what we're offering voters.
Is that what he's saying?
No.
No.
If we are working towards November, we can no longer say Trump's the bad guy.
If you vote for Trump, you're the bad guy.
Oh.
So now, instead of saying what we're going to offer people, all he's offering people is voter shaming.
That's it.
That's all he's got.
Watch this.
If you vote for Trump, you are ripping children from parents' arms.
The mistake that we've made in the past is look at that bad guy over there.
Look at that bad guy.
What the Democrats have to do is make the next election a referendum of who Trump is, but who you are.
And we all, that's the big difference.
You can no longer now as a voter, because it's now not about taxes.
It's not even about some abstract term of immigration or nationalism.
If you vote for Trump, then you, the voter, you, not Donald Trump, are standing at the border, like Nazis, going, you hear, you hear.
I'm going to go.
Okay, wait.
Okay, hold on.
Okay, hold on.
Because there's nothing sweeter than this next clip.
So Trump, if you vote for Trump, you're a Nazi, right?
You ready?
Here we go.
Joe, I'm going to take it one step further because this is how dangerous socialism.
I find Donald Trump reprehensible as a human being.
But a socialist candidate is more dangerous to this country as far as the strength and well-being of our country.
By the way, I don't know if you noticed he referred to our country as our company.
Socialism is bad for this company.
Just imagine people being able to go to a doctor and go to college and get paid a living wage.
It would be chaos.
I mean, it would take our country down, and it would be a shame to see a country go down that has only 12 years left due to unchecked capitalism.
All right, here we go.
Watch this.
Ready?
Here we go.
Joe, I'm going to take it one step further because this is how dangerous socialism.
I find Donald Trump reprehensible as a human being, but a socialist candidate is more dangerous to this country as far as the strength and well-being of our country than Donald Trump.
I would vote for Donald Trump, a despicable human being.
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
He said the part that they're only supposed to say in private.
He said it out loud in public.
I will vote for Donald Trump if you nominate a socialist.
If you nominate Bernie Sanders, Tulsi Gabbard, anybody who gives a fuck about people, I will vote for Donald Trump.
I am a Nazi because you nominated Bernie Sanders.
That's what fucking Donnie Douche is saying.
And so Joe Scarborough stops him.
Watch this.
And let me tell you.
Stop it yourself.
Stop yourself.
Let me correct myself.
Thank you, Joe.
Thank you.
Always help myself.
I know you.
Thank you, Joe.
I almost said, I said almost the secret part in public, and I'm not supposed to do that.
Holy fuck.
Thanks for stopping me.
That's the thing we only say at the meetings.
I wasn't supposed to say it on your show.
Holy shit.
We all vote for Trump, but we're not supposed to fuck him.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Yeah, I almost said, oh, man, wait, wait, wait, we got to vote for Trump because at least we'll keep all of our private jets.
I almost said that out loud.
I almost said it.
With my five gold watches on that he's wearing or whatever.
And why would we ever care what a branding advertising expert has to say about our political system?
Right?
That's such...
Watch.
You will never vote for a bigot, a guy that's made bigots.
Thank you for correcting me.
I stand corrected that.
Such a fucking pussy.
I hate.
God damn it.
At least own it, you fucking.
Will be so distraught to the point that that could even come out of my mouth if we have a socialist, because that will take our country so down.
Yes, if we elect a socialist, it will take our country down, ladies and gentlemen.
It'll take our country down in the number of bankruptcies filed over medical bills.
It'll take our country down in the amount of people who can't afford a $500 emergency.
It'll take our country down in the amount of predatory loans happening in housing and education.
It'll take us down in the amount of people who enter the military because they don't have another fucking option.
It'll take us down a lot of fucking ways.
And I'm all for it!
*crowd cheers*
A guy standing on TV in a fucking million-dollar studio, wearing a $5,000 suit, decrying socialism while wearing two gold fucking watches.
So he's got one watch that just has like gold embroidery.
He's got another thing that's just solid fucking gold.
Look at this.
Do you see it?
That's like, only an asshole only wears one gold thing.
Do you notice he doesn't even button his fucking...
his sleeve so you could see the gold?
Let me correct.
Fucking asshole.
He's literally wearing gold, dual gold shit.
And he's unbuttoned his sleeve so you could see it.
And socialism is bad.
Healthcare for all.
Fuck you!
That's his complaint about socialism.
If socialism comes out, you won't be able to go out in public with $10,000 worth of jewelry.
I'm supposed to wear one gold watch like a goddamn animal.
What the fuck world that we live again?
Next, they're going to tell Betsy DeVos she can only have one yacht.
Can you fucking imagine taking the same yacht to the Caribbean that you take to the south of France?
What the fuck do I got to do next?
Drink my own goddamn urine?
what the fuck kind of world are we living in?
*crowd cheers*
I don't know if anybody else has this experience.
All of a sudden, like you're having conversations with friends and they're like, oh my God, I love MSNBC.
Oh, I know.
Oh, my God.
Rachel Madow is so great.
She's such a progressive.
Right?
It's like we're living in a crazy world right now where people think MSNBC is the place that we should tune into.
You know what?
It is the Jimmy Door show.
Oh.
That's why these shows are so important because I'm sure all of us alone feel like we're going fucking nuts because people go, right?
And you come here.
You're not crazy, everybody.
You're not alone.
You're all right.
This watch costs $10, you guys, and I only have one of them.
So this is the guy that MSNBC hires to tell you to vote for the Democrats.
That's the guy, right?
And as Nina Turner says, and what is the difference between the Democrats and Republicans again?
Oh, the difference between the fox and the wolf.
Thank you.
Hey, look, it's Netflix executive Barack Obama is calling me.
What could it be this time?
Hello?
Come on, man.
Get it together.
And ladies, I'm not letting you off too easy either.
What's this about, Barack?
I did not say that.
That's what this is about.
Did not say it.
Say what?
That I thought Medicare for all was a good idea.
Bernie Sanders keeps saying I did, but I didn't.
But you did.
Oh, come on.
I meant it would be a good idea in another time.
You know, generations from now.
You said it 10 months ago.
But of course, wait, what?
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Steph Samurano, and Mark Van Landowicz.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out!
I'm not kidding.
Don't freak out!
Don't freak out.
Do not freak.
Do not freak.
Do not freak out.
Don't break out.
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