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July 4, 2019 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20190704_TJDS_20190703_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Yeah, hi.
Ah, hello.
Do I know who this is?
Oh, yeah.
Come on, will you?
It's me.
Who?
Jeb.
Jeb who?
Oh, for crying out loud.
Are you serious?
Do you recognize this phrase?
Please clap.
Not really.
Sounds familiar, but I can't place you.
Oh, Jiminy crickets.
You're Joshing me, right?
I mean, for crying out loud.
Is this Jeb Bush?
Why, yes, it is.
Thanks for calling, Jimmy.
I really wasn't expecting this, but sure, I can answer whatever questions you may have concerning current events and whatnot.
Okay.
Can we do this another day?
I mean, this is my nap time.
Can I nap with you?
I mean, over the phone and everything.
I'm a good napper.
Promise I won't giggle or throw Spitwads on the ceiling.
No, no, thanks.
Mom only liked me when I was napping.
And even then, sometimes she'd stand over me staring.
I could feel her presence hovering over me like a gigantic bat.
I'd pretend to sleep, and she'd pretend she didn't know I was really awake.
Hello?
Yes.
I know.
Ask me any question about current events.
Engage me in a challenging manner.
Okay, what's with the all this?
Hey, what's with all the flesh-eating bacteria stories I keep hearing about in Florida?
Oh, come on.
I didn't do that.
Now knock it off.
Ask a real question.
But isn't that the result of ocean's warming, right?
You were governor of Florida.
Do you feel any responsibility for what's happened to the environment in your state?
I mean, your brother dismantled environmental protections and did everything he could to hide evidence of global warming.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Like, really?
Give me a break.
It's not my state, Jimmy.
Wow.
Well, you've lived there since 1980.
But every summer I live in Kenny Bonkport, stupid.
Okay?
And not my choice.
I live at the compound in a mansion.
But it's really just a dumb wooden box that's all expensive and junk on a stupid, boring rock.
Just a stupid raw.
Uh-huh.
It was dad's rock with wooden buildings on it.
And I didn't even get my own wooden building until recently.
It's just a dumb box on a rock sticking out into the ocean.
The unforgiving, relentless sea.
I mean, what the gosh darn hacks, right?
Well, right?
Hey.
They got crypto-fecal parasites in swimming pools, too, you know.
Did you know that?
Hello?
Fine, nobody likes me.
John McCain wasn't my father.
I wish I could say John McCain was my father.
That'd be neat.
John McCain was my father.
love me it's the jimmy door show the show for the kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
Charge talking to your TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore show.
We'll see you in St. Louis on July 21st.
Hey, St. Louis.
See you there.
Plus, there's tickets available for July 14th in Chicago, too.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for all the shows and all the tickets.
Let's get to the joke before we get to the jokes.
Hey, did you hear Chris Christie said he's ruling out a presidential run?
And by all counts, any kind of walking also.
Hey, here's a joke I don't get.
According to a new survey by the Water Quality and Health Council, 24% of Americans say they would jump in a swimming pool within an hour of having diarrhea.
If that's not a metaphor for blue no matter who, I don't know what it is.
Am I right?
You know, I think it's taken me a long time to realize this, but I don't think dogs are impressed by sarcasm.
End of the joke.
County's not impressed.
Senator Kamala Harris says she is outraged at the crisis at our border.
And her solution, she'd prosecute them for truancy.
Hey, on this 4th of July, remember if your dog gets scared, please keep him quiet as to not disrupt everybody's war rally.
Hey, did you hear that?
The Bernie campaign had an ice cream social in Iowa.
Kamala Harris's campaign tried to do the same thing.
They held an access to ice cream rally.
That's where folks were given a spoon.
And then upon arrival, they were told the campaign misunderstood the concept of having ice cream.
Hey, did you hear in an effort to preserve election integrity?
California lawmakers are trying to ban what they refer to as deep fake video clips.
Yeah, right.
Because when I think of election integrity, I don't think of banning super delegates or gerrymandering or the electoral college or requiring paper ballots or ending voter suppression.
No, I think of a kid playing with an iMovie and then posting on Facebook.
Good priorities, California.
Turns out Kamala Harris wants war or something with North Korea.
Lester Holt almost begs Tulsi Gabbard to say she wants a war with Iran.
Plus, Tulsi Gabbard shuts down the warmongering Tim Ryan and catapults to the top of the Google search lists.
Lots of people say she won the debate.
Even Megan McCain tweets out something positive about her nemesis, Tulsi Gabbard.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Vince Vaughan, Jeb Bush, Bernie Sanders, Liam Neeson, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Door Show.
Hey, it's FitzFord on LA Vince.
How you doing?
Happy 4th of July, buddy.
I'm celebrating this great country.
I'm going to grill some bratwurst.
Yeah, I mean, some steaks.
You get together with your others.
You're going to have those little melon balls that you scoop out with a scoop.
Yeah.
And anyone who tries to eat them, I'm going to smack their face.
This was a trap.
Nobody eats fruit on the 4th of July.
It's all meat, baby.
Do you get together with some of your other favorite Chicago actors?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, me and John Cusack fuck it up.
No, he's pretty.
Every time Jeremy Pivot shows up, the PIN!
Now, Jeremy Piven, he's not like the character he plays on TV.
Well, which character?
He's a very versatile man.
He plays lots of different characters.
Well, Ben, he was on that show on HBO.
What was it called?
Entourage.
Entourage.
Is he like that?
A little bit.
You know, he's got an edge to him.
Like I said, he's a little handsy.
So, you know, you make sure that the women there or the women that are around him are, you know, women you don't care about.
So where do you spend the 4th of July?
My house, baby, with everything.
Everyone comes over, they grill.
You're going to watch the Trump tank parade?
Oh, are you kidding me?
I got that on like 20 flat screens.
Doesn't that scare you?
As soon as the tanks go by, we're going to be like, yes!
This is America.
But that kind of overt shows.
The best country in the world.
Hopefully they shoot some people with the tank, too.
Bind some libs and blow them the fuck up.
Bless America.
It's not a movie, Vince.
It's an actual.
Kind of close.
You know, it'll be on TV.
Yeah, it'll be on TV.
All right.
But you know what?
When you're hanging out with John Cusack, you don't have a clash of ideologies.
You know what?
Yeah, we just would have put that aside.
We just would have put it aside.
Yeah.
You know, at the end of the day, we're both rich actors.
Fuck it.
Yeah.
The really divisive, the righties and the lefties when they truly hate each other, that's for fucking poor people.
But if you get to a certain echelon, it's all good times.
All right.
Well, happy Fourth of July, buddy.
Hey, I'm glad you called.
Was it because you just wanted to call because people like you when you talk to me on your show?
Yes, that's exactly.
Hey, did you go see Mike McRae in Austin last week?
I did.
Oh, my God, what a barn burner that guy is.
He burned the fucking stage down.
I didn't know you used terms like Barn Burner.
I'm kind of an old-fashioned guy.
He does a great Chibby Door impression.
You should hear it sometime.
You mean he does it at his live shows?
Yeah.
I do.
He gets all mad, throws a chair at someone's face.
I can't wait.
I can't wait to see it.
You know, I just did a show with him in Austin.
He didn't do that impression.
Yeah, he's probably scared of you like everyone else.
You should bring him along on more of your live shows.
I'll go see that.
Okay, buddy.
We'll do.
As long as you cover travel or the club, whoever.
Yeah.
Remember, you did a comedy tour, too, didn't you, Vince?
Yeah, it was called the Wild West Comedy Tour.
I came out there with a giant cowboy hat.
And did you do any jokes?
I've never looked cooler.
All right, well, listen, Vince, happy 4th of July.
I appreciate you taking time out.
Happy 4th of July, too, Chibidore, you goddamn patriot.
So they had the debates, ladies and gentlemen.
And Vox, Vox was boxing harder than ever.
Vox says the Democratic debates will have a historically diverse group of moderators.
And there they go.
Look at that.
we've got a black millionaire a white millionaire a hispanic millionaire a dumb millionaire And a gay millionaire.
They have all different shades of the 1%.
They should have added Brian Williams to the mix so they could have the perspective as a combat survivor.
NBC is so into diversity, they even hired Russians to be in charge of the microphones on night one.
Boy, they're so diverse.
They were asked to do the cover of the JCPenney catalog this year.
Did you know that?
Boy, for a group this diverse, it was weird that they didn't ask the Asian Andrew Yang enough fucking questions.
Isn't that wild?
There's not an Asian on that panel, so...
I was...
It's too bad they didn't have an Asian panelist that could have then spoke Asian to him and more pandering like they did with the Latinos.
And it was like, Yo, me llamo Robert Francis O'Rourke.
Yo, now, Mexicano.
Yo, Irish.
Vamos a la playa.
¿Dónde está la biblioteca?
I have a lovely yellow pencil box.
And by the way, and you know diversity of the TV host panel is one of the top issues that Americans really care about.
It's such a diverse group of moderators, they were going to make it a cover for a college brochure, but then they thought that might be bad luck because, you know, Chuck Todd.
Anyway...
And here's my favorite part of the debate was when Tim Ryan decided that we needed to stay in Afghanistan.
Do you remember?
Did you watch the debates?
Okay, so...
What did you think of the debates, Nellie, by the way?
Did you think anything?
I think democracy not only exists, but it's thriving.
Can you give a straight answer to anything?
Can you give a straight answer to anything?
Democracy not only exists, it's thriving, ladies and gentlemen.
But yes, Nellie for president.
That's what I say.
You know when Southerners say, bless your heart, and they're actually telling you to go fuck off.
That's what they're...
No, bless your heart.
Like, that's what...
Democracy's thriving.
It's beautiful.
Okay.
So here we go.
Let's listen to this.
Leaders as disparate as President Obama President Trump have both said that they want to end U.S. involvement in Afghanistan but it isn't over for America why isn't it over why can't presidents of very different parties and very different temperaments get us out of there and how could you I appreciate that question so I've been in Congress 17 years and 12 of those years I've sat on the Armed Services Committee either the Defense Appropriations Committee or the Armed Services Committee.
So I've gotten a good look at this bullshit and I'm okay with it.
And the lesson that I've learned over the years is that you have to stay engaged in these situations.
Nobody likes it.
It's long.
It's tedious.
But right now we have, so I would say we must be engaged in this.
We must have our State Department engaged.
We must have our military engaged to this.
Hey, is Afghanistan your fucking fiancé?
What is the matter with you?
To the extent they need to be.
But the reality of it is, this president doesn't even have people appointed in the State Department to deal with these things.
Whether we're talking about Central America, whether we're talking about Iran, whether we're talking about Afghanistan, we've got to be completely engaged.
And here's why.
Because these flare-ups distract us from the real problems in the country.
If we're getting a drone shot down for $130 million because the president is distracted, that's $130 million that we could be spending in places like Youngstown, Ohio or Flint, Michigan, or rebuilding.
I'm gonna give you 30 seconds actually to jump off what he said.
He's back, he said he's back.
What you will tell the parents of those two soldiers who were just killed in Afghanistan?
Well, we just have to be engaged.
As a soldier, I will tell you, that answer is unacceptable.
Thank you.
Good thing Tim Ryan's got good health care because he's going to need it to take that burn away.
Is there an oven in that room?
Because he just got roasted to bring our troops home from Afghanistan.
We are in a place in Afghanistan where we have lost so many lives.
We've spent so much money, money that's coming out of every one of our pockets, money that should be going into communities here at home, meeting the needs of the people here at home.
We are no better off in Afghanistan today than we were when this war began.
This is why it's so important to have a president, commander-in-chief, who knows the cost of war and who's ready to do the job on day one.
I am ready to do that job when I walk into the Oval One.
Thank you guys.
Talcy, Talcy, Talcy, Talcy, Talcy, Talcy.
I hope Tim Ryan's for free college because he just got schooled free of charge.
All right, he's a little bored of this, I think.
I'm going to go down the line here.
Well, you know what?
You felt like she was responding.
You get 30 seconds, guys.
Good man.
I appreciate that.
I hear what you're saying.
I would just say, I don't want to be.
I don't want to be engaged.
I wish we were spending all this money in...
I don't.
I don't want to do that thing I just said.
That I've represented that have been completely forgotten and we were rebuilding.
But the reality of it is, if the United States isn't engaged, the Taliban will grow.
And they won't have bigger, bolder terrorist acts.
We have got to have some present there.
The Taliban was there long before we came in.
Yeah, and they were lost before.
Exactly.
Well, they want to beat U.S. going to Afghanistan thinking that we're going to somehow squash this Taliban that has been there that every other country.
I didn't say squash them.
When we weren't in there, they started flying planes into our buildings.
So I'm just saying right now, we have...
Ooh.
Mrs. Gabbard, your platter.
They can attack us on 9-11.
Al-Qaeda.
Al-Qaeda attacked the side 9-11.
That's why I and so many other people joined the military to go after Al Qaeda, not the Taliban.
You know, after that exchange, they had to disable the smoke alarms in that room.
This guy is just like fumbling through some policy from 2003.
It's like the Taliban did 9-11, you dumb motherfucker.
That was the mujahideen that we financed them in the 80s in the war against the Russians.
It's unbelievable.
He doesn't even know what he's talking about.
That's right at the beginning of the video.
If you went back and just, as they zoomed in on him, what he's thinking is, please don't call on me.
Please don't call on me.
Please don't call on me.
Don't call on me.
So here's what, and so Tim Ryan's big comeback.
He put out a statement.
He was so humiliated by the facts.
So yeah, exactly what you're saying, Graham, is that that's how they just think he's inside of a bubble.
He's in Washington, D.C. And to say things like when you go on CNN with Blitzer and you say we have to stay engaged, that sounds meaty and it doesn't make any fucking sense.
And Tulsi Gabbard was able to destroy it effortlessly because it's bullshit.
It's just like we have to keep fucking bombing people all over the world.
That's what he means by engaged.
That's what he means.
Hey, let's go 4th of July.
Want to go watch the engagement ceremonies?
That's what he means by engaged.
So he put this segment out.
And look at the last sentence.
The last sentence says, we refuse to be lectured by someone who thinks it's okay to dine with murderous dictators like Syria's Bashar al-Assad.
It's fucking unbelievable.
When somebody completely schools you, you should have your staff write a letter sparing that person so you can hide behind it.
That's courage.
What did you think of that?
What did you think of that, Nelly?
Anything?
Oh, I don't know if we should be in Afghanistan.
You don't know?
You're not sure?
I don't know.
No.
But I do think 9/11 was a response to us fucking the world over for decades previous.
And it was funded by Saudi Arabia.
It wasn't funded by the Taliban.
Yeah, yeah.
And of course, Tim Ryan will never say that because, you know, he's engaged with the Saudi Arabians in a fucking different way.
Here's money, and here's his.
Here is where the news media really shows its hand.
So Lester Holt, a millionaire TV host, asks multi-billionaire TV host, asked Tulsi Gabbard a question about Iran, but he just can't let go.
She doesn't want to go to war with Iran, and that bothers him.
So watch what he says.
Here we go.
You said you would sign back on to a 2015 deal.
Would you insist, though, that it address Iran's support for Hezbollah?
Let's deal with the situation where we are, where this president and his chicken hawk cabinet have led us to the brink of war.
That was a good, that was a good.
Apparently, people don't say that enough, and because when she did, people went, oh, fuck, that's great.
Check it out.
With Iran.
I served in the war in Iraq at the height of the war in 2005, a war that took over 4,000 of my brothers and sisters in uniforms lives.
The American people need to understand that this war with Iran would be far more devastating, far more costly than anything that we ever saw in Iraq.
It would take many more lives.
It would exacerbate the refugee crisis.
And it wouldn't be just contained within Iran.
This would turn into a regional war.
This is why it's so important that every one of us, every single American, stand up and say no war with Iran.
We need to get back into the Iran nuclear agreement and we need to negotiate how we can improve it.
It was an imperfect deal.
There are issues like their missile development, their missile development that needs to be addressed.
We can do both simultaneously to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear weapon and preventing us from going to the bottom.
It's a very quick follow-up.
But what would your red line be?
I'll write a writer right.
You don't want to go to war with Iran.
I write a writer, right?
All right.
But when are you going to fucking go to war with Iran?
Come on.
That's all shits and giggles.
You're not going to go to war.
All right.
But when are you going to fuck go to war?
I'm Lester Holt.
Thank you very much.
They can't help but reveal themselves.
What's your red line?
Come on.
When are you going to go to war, Mother Booker?
When are you going to go?
They're so giddy over it.
They all fucking nut in their pants at the fucking idea of war.
Lester Hulk, oh, I put my dick in a box.
Doesn't that disgust you?
Well, but you know, under the Iran deal, I mean, we're already hurting them so badly.
Yes, we're saying.
So they actually, it's not, they don't just need pain and suffering and starvation and lack of medicines and lack of access to things, you know, and to hurt them and to punish the civilians specifically.
They really, it's the fizzle, the fuzz to blow them up.
The blow them up?
The big boom boom.
Yeah.
The shebang-a-bang-o.
So that's not enough for them to hurt the citizens.
They want to actually kill them.
They're already, but I mean, are not already suffering to the point of death and everything?
Yeah, we're killing the people in Venezuela with the rapporteur from the UN says that we killed 40,000 kids in fucking Venezuela.
We're doing the same thing in Yemen.
We're doing the same thing in Iran.
We're doing it all over the fucking world.
We're the terrorists.
So, Jimmy.
Hey, here's.
They don't just want profit and death, they want spectacle.
They don't want just profit and death.
They want spectacle.
Here's a joke I wrote.
It's not finished.
Let me just try it out on you.
Imagine for a moment that America is not the freedom-fighting, liberating, peace-loving, God-fearing democracy bringing superpower we have always believed ourselves to be.
What if America are the global terrorists and we've all been brainwashed?
that's where it ends.
Senator Gabbard, before you answer the question about not going into war with Iran, we're going to cut to some commercials here from Boeing and Raytheon.
And you know, we were all talking about this earlier: that we don't think that these debates should be on commercial television.
No.
What they should be on, it should be, it continued to be run by the League of Women Voters.
They took it away from them.
And it should be on C-SPAN.
And there should never be a fucking commercial.
Nobody should make a buck off of these debates.
We should have our own progressive debates with our own progressive panel asking real progressive candidates real questions.
That's what we should have, man.
Well, how can you have a debate when it's sponsored by Pfizer?
America gets tough with healthcare.
Sponsored by Eli Lilly.
I'm with you 100%.
It should be on C-SPAN.
The fact that it's not, it's on NBC.
So NBC is doing the debates.
And I don't know if you remember, but NBC fired Phil Donahue because he told the truth about the Iraq war.
Then they fired Jesse Ventura because he told the truth about the Iraq war.
Ashley Bamfield because he told the truth about the Iraq war.
That's who fucking NBC is.
And that's who shouldn't be hosting a fucking debate with tools like Chuck Dodd and Rachel Maddow, a conspiracy theorist.
I'd like to add to it.
I'd like to add that NBC is the reason why they popularized Donald Trump.
Yes.
Right?
The NBC helped Donald Trump get to that position.
And so does Les Movez.
They gave him a TV show.
How many fucking years did they give Donald Trump a racist TV show when they knew he was a fucking racist, racebaiting the fucking president for his long-form birth certificate?
Long-form birth certificate.
I missed that one.
You guys know what that is.
That's that thing we never heard about till we had a black president, right?
You have your long-form birth.
I keep my long-form birth certificate, right?
In case I ever get pulled over in Oklahoma.
But anyway.
Shut up.
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Now back to the Jimmy Dore show, already in progress.
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Now back to the Jimmy Dore Show, already in progress.
Hey, who's this?
Jimmy, my old friend.
This is Liam Neeson.
Ah, Liam, how you doing?
I'm doing very well, as they say.
And as for who they are, I couldn't tell you.
And how about you?
How is the world of online punditry treating you these days?
Well, I gotta say, we're doing very well, Liam.
We're up to 575,000 subscribers on YouTube.
We're selling out live shows wherever we go around the country, and it's been great.
Ah, yes.
YouTube subscribers, tickets sold.
It all sounds nice.
But at the end of the day, what does it all really get you?
The ability to make a living doing the Jimmy Door show and the means to connect with politically like-minded people around the country.
Ah, these frivolous things we preoccupy ourselves with.
Making a living.
I wish you could hear yourself right now.
What does that even mean?
That I have enough money to pay for goods and services necessary for life.
Goods and services.
When did we get so greedy as a species?
What?
No, this includes food and shelter, Liam.
Food and shelter.
The eternal chorus of the shameless materialist.
Liam, what in God's name are you talking about?
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I've been a wealthy man for so long that I've forgotten about all these basic life calculations.
I haven't had to think about them.
So instead, I just pontificate meaninglessly.
Must be nice.
Oh, infinitely so, my friend.
I must say, though, Jimmy, I am concerned about the state of political discourse in your country.
Your country?
Don't you live here?
I do reside in the United States, yes.
But I will always be an outsider.
The Irish were never truly accepted in this country.
Okay.
To this day, we are relegated to menial professions like beat cop, fishmonger, and box office juggernaut.
So, what's wrong with the state of the discourse, Liam?
It's the tone, Jimmy.
From candidates, from the networks, from chaps like yourselves, who are clearly very well-meaning, but so angry.
Yes, I am angry, Liam.
There's a lot to be angry about.
Why?
Look at me.
I'm not angry.
Well, do you have health insurance?
I assume so.
Why wouldn't I?
If I didn't, there would be someone I'd have to fire, that's for sure.
Okay, well, your life is different than most Americans.
They don't have what you have.
That's why people are angry and yell sometimes, Liam.
Jimmy, of course, I understand all of this.
But the solutions to our problems, all our problems is very simple.
Oh, really?
And what would that be?
Love.
Oh, brother.
Just like that, Mary Ann Williamson bravely said, stood there and told the truth that the solution to all our troubles is love.
Love will fix everything, Liam.
Yes.
And occasional armed military intervention.
What?
How do those two go together, love and war?
Well, the normalization of sustained military conflict around the world is really what undergirds the Hollywood action movie industry, from which I personally profit immensely and therefore can lounge around in this giant mansion and think things like love will solve all problems.
Okay, I got it.
Do you see how they're connected now?
Yeah, Liam.
Yeah.
I am a wise man.
What?
No, you're not.
Ah, you're right.
I just wanted to say that.
Remember, Jimmy, let love guide the way.
Okay, Liam, I gotta go.
I'm not sure how a nebulous concept of love will help get corporate money out of politics, for example, but thanks for the suggestion.
Have you read the secret?
And so the debate went very well for Tulsi.
In fact, a lot of people said that moment won the debate for her because people are sick and tired of these endless fucking wars.
We've been in Afghanistan for 19 years.
One more year, that war gets a gold watch.
and even so here's the inquisitor tulsi gabbard won the first 2020 democratic debate says paul Isn't that awesome?
I didn't think that could happen in America.
I thought Rachel Maddow would fucking screw her somehow.
But she broke through.
Tulsi Gabbard broke through.
And here's Gabbard is the most searched on Google after democratic debate.
So here's the most searched Democratic candidates before that debate.
It was Elizabeth Warren, Corey Booker, Beto, and Tulsi, right?
So, well, Tulsi only shows up in Hawaii.
Right.
But it's Elizabeth Warren mostly, right?
And so after that...
After that debate, the most searched Democratic candidate was Tulsi Gabbard.
Corey Booker was second.
And Elizabeth Warren is in Oklahoma.
Isn't that something?
That's her home state.
Is that her home state?
Is it?
Oh, I didn't know that.
She said it in the debate.
She goes, I'm originally from Oklahoma.
She became all southern all of a sudden.
Kind of like George Bush, who grew up, went to Yale, and then suddenly moved your ticket.
And that's why Iron Oklahoma's like, who the fuck is this chick?
She's not from here.
Oh, I didn't know she's from Oklahoma.
Well, that's probably, well, she's Native American, so that's probably why.
She did so well.
Tulsi Gappard did so well and impressed people so much that even Megan McCain said nice things about her.
Megan McCain said, Tulsi and I literally couldn't disagree on more.
And she fundraised off my name for calling her out on her relationship with Assad.
But so far, she's coming across the most composed and authentic.
As that Democratic, that's kind of unfucking believable, ladies and gentlemen, that that's how bad she was doing.
And we all know that the real reason Megan McCain was so complimentary is because Tulsi was the only candidate who didn't speak Spanish.
Or as Megan calls it, speak Mexican.
And it's not like Megan McCain has ever cashed in on somebody's name.
You know what I mean?
It's never like she got a TV job because she had like a famous dad or something like that.
You know what I mean?
That's never happened.
Fundraise off my name.
That's code for she schooled me so hard on national TV that people wanted to give her money.
Thank you.
Okay, so here we go.
But guess what?
She took that tweet down.
So Megan McCain took that tweet down, but we got a screenshot of it and we sent it to Tulsi, and then Tulsi tweeted it out.
She goes, Megan's displayed a moment of courage to tweet this out before deleting it.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
I mean, getting a compliment from Megan McCain would want me to take a Chernobyl-style shower.
But Tulsi took it and she goes, Tulsi, this is her sister tweeting that.
She says, Tulsi's lived a lifetime of courage and she won't cape to establishment pressure.
So fantastic.
And then, so after that, Megan fucking put it back up.
She put it back up.
She goes, I tweeted it.
I stand by what I said.
I don't think you know how the internet works.
Because this guy, you originally tweeted it at 9:31, and then you deleted it and tweeted it again at 11.19.
We can see the timestamps.
We're not stupid.
I stand by both of them.
I'm Megan McCain, and here's my opinions on the debate.
P.S. When my dad was on the debate stage in 2008, he bragged about not knowing how to use a computer.
Here we go.
I have one more joke for this.
In fairness, Megan McCain may have deleted the tweet because it was her only talking point for the show the next day.
And she might have deleted that tweet after someone showed a video of her dad singing Bom Bomb Bomb Iran.
So here is Kamala Harris, and she's talking about what's the biggest threat to America.
And listen to what, again, this whole idea that the symptom of the problem is the problem.
Here we go.
We talked about, you asked before, what is the greatest national security threat to the United States?
It's Donald Trump.
Donald Trump.
That's why I voted to give him $200 billion more for the Defense Department so he could bomb the fuck out of the world because he's the biggest threat to the Natalian internet.
So that's how you know that's bullshit.
And that's her just being a politician.
They're all fucking politicians and they're all bullshitting.
And here we go.
I'm going to tell you why.
And I'm going to tell you why.
Because I agree climate change represents an existential threat.
He denies the science.
You want to talk about North Korea?
Real threat in terms of nuclear arsenal.
But what does he do?
He embraces Kim Jong-un, a dictator for the sake of a photo-up.
Thank you.
Putin.
You want to talk about it.
He takes the word of the Russian president over the word of the American intelligence community when it comes to a threat to our democracy and our elections.
So, yeah, the climate shit is in trouble.
And if I were president, I'd antagonize North Korea and Russia in World War III.
That would help climate change, wouldn't it?
So she's upset.
She says Trump is a traitor to our country, the biggest threat.
But why doesn't he fucking be more bellicose and saber-rattling with a nuclear power like North Korea?
That doesn't make any fucking sense at all.
And you know why she fucking says that?
You know why she wants Trump to be a saber-rattler and ratchet up tensions with North Korea?
Because if he doesn't, somebody like her donors lose fucking money.
That's why Trump and Kim's handshake talk of peace sinks U.S. defense stocks.
That's why.
And she is a puppet and a tool of the military-industrial complex, which is why she said that shit.
And she immediately raised $2 billion after the debate.
She raised $2 million after that shit.
That's right.
Hey, by the way, Kamala Harris said to announce 2020 run, honor around Martin Luther King Jr.
Day.
In two years in the Senate, majority of her donations have come from financial interests, including Wall Street, financial industry lawyers, and the real estate industry.
Also, in the summer of 2017, just a half a year into her term as senator, Harris met with Hillary Clinton's top donors in the Hamptons.
I don't think they were strategizing how to pass Medicare for all and free college.
And here's why Karis is the darling, the darling of the establishment, because Harris is everything that the U.S. Empire's unelected power establishment wants in a politician.
She's charismatic, commanding, and completely unprincipled.
In that sense, he's just like Obama, only better.
Thank you.
The reason the heads of those power structures despise Trump is solely because he sucks at narrative management and puts an ugly face on the ugly things that America's permanent government is constantly doing.
He's bad at managing their assets.
Kamala Harris is the exact opposite of this.
She'd be able to obliterate non-compliant nations and dead end the left for eight fucking years and look good while she's doing it.
She's got the skills to become president and she'll have the establishment backing as well.
And that is exactly fucking correct, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Go ahead.
I've, you know, camas in a lot of neighborhoods that are...
Yeah, mostly, you know, black or Hispanic or Latino.
I'm never quite sure where that changes, you know, Hispanic to Latino.
Tennessee, or where does it be?
Because everyone in New York is Hispanic.
Anyway, in the South is in South Carolina, especially.
But you see this throughout the country.
There are four things that I think they really hurt getting a progressive candidate votes beyond the rigging.
One is...
Beyond the rigging.
You know, one is that a lot of people, I mean, they don't have almost anything.
So a lot of people don't have the internet.
At least this was in 2016.
So if you didn't have the internet, you didn't have Bernie.
And you just get what the corporate media feeds you.
Right.
Two is this compulsion to vote, and it's so depressing because like everybody of every color, they're mostly voting against their own interests.
But when you go to the polls, it's like a scene out of a documentary of the civil rights movement, you know, in the 60s.
It's this really duty thing, and what is happening is people are hurting themselves.
Three is there was that church act, I can't remember what it was called, but it passed under Obama that said that the government can supply money to the churches.
So that made the government, whoever the establishment is, even more powerful in the churches and especially down south.
I mean, the churches just have a lock on the community.
And there was a fourth one.
I can't.
Oh, I guess it's just a misplaced sense of loyalty that I've never found more loyal and generous people.
But it's like you're loyal to your abuser.
And say with Hillary Clinton, you know, or say with Joe Biden.
It's just, it's, yeah, it's amazing for me to see people, even people who are Justice Democrats or people who are working for Bernie, pledge their loyalty to a fucking party that has been abusing progressives since fucking forever.
Yeah, it is weird.
And two years ahead of time.
That's what you're saying.
I love what Namunke Khan.
She tweeted out.
Imagine a debate where the moderators asked, what percentage of your money came from Wall Street?
How much is your average donation?
Have you ever taken oil insurance or charter school money?
What do you think about unions?
What should the minimum wage be today?
And how many be on public television on C-SPAN and not commercial network that was making money during the debates?
Yeah, it's so fucking weird that the network that fired Phil Donahue because he told the truth about the Iraq war and then fired Chris Ed Schultz for covering Bernie Sanders.
That same network gets to host the first Democratic debate.
Those people are fucking pariahs who are enemies of the people and everybody applauded when they go, oh, look, there's Rachel fucking Maddow.
I hope she says Russia.
I hope she says Russia.
There's Chuck Totten.
I hope he doesn't know nothing.
I hope so.
It's disgusting.
And of course, and they turned off Andrew Yang's mic.
We also find out they turned off other people's mics during the debate.
But whose mic didn't they turn off Joe fucking Biden's even though he wanted to stop talking?
He was hoping they would turn off their debt.
Oh, Joe Biden, I want to talk about Joe Biden.
By the way, nothing would fundamentally change.
Is that his, is that his promo?
No, he said that.
No, that's not his promo.
Nothing would fundamentally change.
But he did say that.
He said that.
Am I making that up?
He did say that, right?
That's why it's in quotes.
Nothing would fundamentally change if he became president.
That's quite a slogan, huh?
Hey, you guys, you think the system is rigged?
Well, guess what?
I'm not changing shit.
You ready?
Who's excited?
Who wants to get on their feet for somebody who's not going to fucking do anything for you?
You ready?
So you said they would be covered under your plan, which is different.
Oh, this, by the way, he doesn't look good.
I'm just saying.
He looks, he looks, he's got the, I don't know, I've been to a few wakes.
I stopped going to wakes.
But he's got the kind of hair that dead guys have, right?
Right?
Have you ever seen a corpse and their hair is nice?
You're like, oh, that's dead hair guy.
And you're like, oh, wow, did they put makeup on that old dead guy?
Okay.
And they're just like, you go to the mortuary and they're like, what would you like us to do for your grandfather?
I'm just fucking biting him up.
So I don't even know what this is about, but I think this is where he stops talking.
Yes.
Okay, here we go.
It's an Obamacare.
Yes, but here.
Can you explain that change?
Yes.
You cannot look.
First of all, why does Joe Biden look like he just got finished asking a stranger for directions at the grocery store?
That's how he always looks.
Here we go.
As the mayor said, you cannot let people who are sick, no matter where they come from, no matter what their status, go uncovered.
You can't do that.
It's just going to be taken care of, period.
I mean, except for when I was vice president, we instituted a plan that left 30 million people who were sick off L G, whatever.
Whatever the fuck.
It's not a big deal.
Whatever.
They're like, ah!
Let's talk about that guy has to carry his balls around in a fucking wheelbarrow to say shit like that.
You can't leave sick people off health care.
You just can't do it.
Well, that's what you did.
I know.
I know.
I do.
This is the same guy, too, that said, I have no sympathy for young people.
I have no sympathy for millennials who have crushing student loan debt, and we've been at war for over half your life.
I have no fucking sympathy for you.
That's what this rich asshole said.
Things will not fundamentally change.
Nope.
He's letting you know.
There we go.
You have to.
It's a humane thing to do.
But here's the deal: the deal is that.
First of all, here's the deal.
When you hear Joe Biden say, here's the deal, you're never going to find out what the fucking deal is.
That's just like a holder for some shit until I think of what I should say.
Here's the deal.
What's this?
What is the deal?
Listen.
He's right about three things.
Number one, they, in fact, contribute to the well-being of the country, but they also, for example, they've increased the lifespan of Social Security because they have a job, they're paying a Social Security tax.
That's what they're doing.
It's increased the lifespan.
They would do the same thing in terms of reducing the overall cost of health care by them being able to be treated and not wait till they're an extremist.
The other thing is...
Is this the deal?
What's the deal?
Extremists, extremists.
And Bernie's thinking, this is a friend of mine.
Good luck.
I like Joe Biden.
Joe Biden's a friend of mine.
But he's fucking full of shit.
I think Bernie's looking at his watch going, what part of the debate did I have in the pool of when he mentioned Scranton?
From some part, I'm from Scranton and I'm on the Amtrak.
Like, there's got to be a pool on that.
And then you look at Buddha Gig.
He's like, what are you talking about, Biden?
So let's watch.
Watch how he just bails.
Watch this.
Folks, look, we can deal with these insurance companies.
We can deal with the insurance companies by, number one.
We can deal with these insurance companies.
Have you ever tried to get a fucking MRI?
Are you cocksucker?
You can't.
There's no dealing.
They go, no, thank you.
I'm like, what?
They go, yeah, our doctor said you don't deserve an MRI.
I'm like, well, can I talk to the doctor?
No.
I go, who can I talk to?
They go, you can talk to your doctor.
Hey, I guess I already talked to my doctor, and he said I need, get an MRI.
You got to.
Now I just go home and die.
Okay, all right.
So he says we can deal with the insurance companies.
Here's how he wants to deal with them.
Ready?
Putting insurance executives in jail for their misleading.
You won't even put fucking war criminals in jail, you lying cocksucker.
You're not putting anybody from the 1% in jail.
Fucking war criminals, you don't put in jail.
You put nobody from Wall Street in jail who kicked Grant fucking out of this house.
Fuck you, you fucking liar.
He is the defender of the health insurance companies.
He defends them.
He doesn't prosecute them.
You're their fucking toady and tool, you cocksucker.
That fucking drives me nuts.
The only way he would put an insurance executive behind bars if that insurance executive actually was a whistleblower against American fucking war crimes.
And before he put him behind bars, he sniffed his hair.
Whether they're misleading advertising, what they're doing on opioids, what they're doing, paying doctors to prescribe, we could be doing this by making sure everyone who is on Medicare, that the government should be able to negotiate the price for whatever the drug costs are.
We can do this by making sure that we're in a position that we in fact allow people.
My time is up is code for it.
Even I don't believe this bullshit.
Hey, Joe Biden, your time is up.
Yeah.
Thank you.
And you know how he knows we can deal with the insurance companies?
He had fucking dinner with them all last night, ladies and gentlemen.
Okay, you want to say something?
It's just, this is probably unpopular, but with the opioid crisis, you know, and the crackdown they're having now, a lot of people, they can't just be cut off, you know?
And those drugs, they do sometimes serve a purpose that other ones can't fulfill.
And so I think that it's a little bit trendy.
You know, we don't crack down on alcohol.
I mean, alcohol has been pumped into American Indian reservations for years, kills more people than opioids.
And I just, not only do I know people in Appalachia who are living on $15,000 a year, if a pill takes them to oblivion for a little bit, you know, I don't, I don't, I just think it's a little mean of, say, people on the coast who can generally get access if they want, because money, you know, walks to deny it to poor people.
And not only that, those opioids can have a help on mental health.
It's not just physical pain.
And only that, I've known people who have gone in for hernia surgery, back surgery, very painful tooth surgery, and they are not being given the drugs they need.
Really?
That's happening?
I thought the other thing was happening.
Yeah, I went in for hernia surgery.
I could use some opioids.
You got them because my friend didn't, and she was in terrible pain.
Really?
Yeah.
No shit.
Well, that's so they're going back to not giving people who need opioids opioids.
Well, the thing was, they invent.
So Viking, I could, I take Vicodin, I'd probably take 20 Vicodin a day.
It's not a big deal.
Anyway.
But I never took Oxycon.
I took a Percocet one time.
I was at my mom's house and my fucking back was killing me.
So she gave me a Percocet and I took it on an empty stomach like an idiot.
And I didn't realize that it makes you throw up, right?
So I started eating after I took it, which is stupid.
Anyway, so I started throwing up all the shit.
I was eating, but that Percocet was so good, I didn't mind.
I was like, ah, it's fucking like, hey, look, I'm puking.
It's kind of cool, right?
That's how, and I was like, wow, I got to go back to Viking because this shit could kill you.
I could take this forever, right?
Yeah.
So, but that's what he said.
I just, here's, by the way, did you know that a source close to Joe Biden's campaign tells me his staff is freaking out about his poor performance tonight?
This is Olivia Newsy.
The source said that internally, the field staff says the campaign organized debate watch parties in early voting states that have been awkward and that Biden isn't playing well to those who attended his own watch parties.
According to Biden staff, he isn't listening to his debate prep and he's set in his ways, the source close to the campaign tells me.
Hey, no shit.
Yeah, really?
Motherfucking guy who still brags about the crime bill as being a good thing.
He doesn't take his advice of his ass.
I think he's a fucking arrogant motherfucker who needs to go away, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Hey, I just read that Bernie Sanders is now on Twitch.
I didn't really know what that is.
So I said, let's call him up and find out.
Calm, calm, subtle, subtle.
Slowly breathe in, slowly exhale, come backwards from 10 to 1.
10, 9, 8.
Okay, what in the blue fuck is it now?
Bernie, I'm hearing from a lot of people that you're now on Twitch.
Oh, yeah?
What is Twitch?
It's something I get every time you call.
Bernie, why are you so goddamn cantankerous?
Contankerous, why yes?
I'm lovable, but gruff.
You don't know the difference.
Tell me.
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Step Semarano, and Mark Van Landowitz.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out!
Don't freak out.
I'm not getting it.
Don't don't don't bring out.
Don't you don't.
Don't don't.
Do not program.
Do not freak.
Don't freak out.
Do not do not and do not freak.
Do not freak.
Do not freak out.
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