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Oct. 19, 2018 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:03:11
20181019_1018_TJDS_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, why does Mitt Romney always call when I'm celebrating National Farmers Day?
Happy birthday from your pal Mittens.
Heidi-ho, neighbor.
Mitt, but it's not my birthday.
Call me Mittens' birthday, boy.
You know my long-deceased twin brother, Glovny Romney?
The family called him gloves.
Yeah, to me, that doesn't work as well as Mittens for Mitt.
That's why we had him killed.
Hey, Raheem, bro.
Why are you guys always talking about impeaching Donald Trump?
You can't impeach a sitting president.
I actually said that in my debate with that lady who's running against me.
So let me get this straight.
You think you can't impeach a sitting president, but impeachment only applies to sitting presidents.
Otherwise, it's not impeachment, Mitt.
Okay, way over my head there, Clarence Darrow.
Say, may I take that last devastating slam back to make it even more hip for the youngsters in your audience?
Yeah, sure.
Way over my head there, Clarence Darrow.
Sorry, I'm not very good at taking back stupid things.
I know.
Way over my head, Perry Mason.
Perry Mason has been on the air for 30 years.
That's what you think.
You obviously don't watch me TV like most of my constituents do.
All you got to do is plug your TV in and adjust those weird metal sticks on top of the box and magic.
You're in the courtroom with Raymond Burr and Heda Hopper's son.
Okay, but you're saying we can't impeach a sitting president.
That defies logic.
All I know is what I know with my feelings or my knowlings.
And my nolings say accountability is for big a-holes.
But it doesn't make any sense.
You know, it doesn't make any sense that Flo would leave Alice for her own spin-off.
I mean, you can't base a whole series on Kiss My Grits.
Nobody listened to me then.
Oh, and I was the first one to come out and say Dynamite was bad for black people.
I was on the right side of history those two times.
Again, this is, I guess, just for the 50 and over crowd.
These jokes.
Well, we are moving further up the timeline.
Let's go.
How about we go Everybody Loves Raymond reference?
That's from the 90s at least.
Hold on, we got to take a little stop at Bill Cosby's sweaters.
We got to.
Hey, you're just lucky he didn't frame it at a Vic Tayback reference.
No, shit.
We have a lot of young listeners.
That's the bulk of the people who listen to this show as under 35.
Well, consider this an opportunity to educate them about network sitcoms from the past.
So you no longer think Trump is a fraud and a phony, and you don't want him to release his tax returns?
There are times when the president has said things that are racist and misogynistic.
I will speak out about those things.
And as senator, I will do my best to represent the values and feelings of the people of Utah.
And what are the values of the people of Utah?
Tax cuts and hating blacks and women.
Yep, that's pretty much it.
Some people just don't get how expensive hating blacks and women is nowadays.
There's all that overhead, not to mention the post office supplies you got to buy.
Even your best racist woman hater will lift a box of post-it notes at the end of the week.
It's inevitable.
Sounds rough.
There is one thing they never steal, though.
What's that?
The whiteout.
Come on.
Hey, Jimmy.
What, buddy?
Go fuck yourself.
Yeah.
Classic.
Classic.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you too.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore show.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Wow, I still can't believe signing that online petition didn't stop Kavanaugh.
*laughter*
Regardless, I still refuse to make any character judgments about Kavanaugh until we hear from his close friends Squiggy, Barf Boodle, and Rape Knuckle.
This is true.
Democrats say Brett Kavanaugh's history is a stain on the reputation of Yale's tit and clit society.
No.
That's a true thing.
That's the nickname for that.
No.
Yeah.
Will no one at the 100 Keggs or Bus Club or the Blackout and Vomit Lodge have the courage to speak up and save their good names?
That's a real thing.
I can't believe it is.
If you look it up, it is.
I had to look it up.
I'm like, what?
It's a crazy joke if it isn't a real thing.
Hey, I don't care what anybody says.
I still believe America is more than capable of finding a better qualified blackout drunk rapist than Kavanaugh.
All right.
What's coming up on today's show?
We got more from our live show on Friday night in Burbank, California.
We're going to talk about the dumbest takes of the Susan Sarandon haters.
We take a look at some of the dumbest takes, and they're blaming.
Did you know Susan Sarandon controlled the Supreme Court?
She is so powerful.
She is so powerful.
You think people at some point are going to start being nice to her at some point if she's got that much power.
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, what really should have kept Kavanaugh off the bench?
What is it?
It just may surprise you.
It just may surprise you.
Plus, there's a lot lot more phone calls today.
We got phone calls from Barack Obama, Rick Perry, and Mitt Romney.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today.
Oh, Abby Martin's our special guest, too.
And Mike McRae is on this version.
Plus, the political vigilante, Graham Elwood, joins us all for a live show from Burbank, California.
So you see what's going on in Maryland?
Have you seen what's going on in Maryland?
A third of the Maryland Democrats are backing the Republican governor.
I wonder which, I wonder which those third people who are backing the Republican governor.
I wonder who they voted for in the primary in 2016.
Susan fucking Sarandon.
That's who they're goddamn.
So wouldn't that, it's my guess that would be the Hillary wing not supporting the progressive Benjelis in Maryland, right?
Ben Jellis, who, for fuck's sake, is a venture capitalist.
How much shittier of a progressive than you are?
And they're still like, nope, we're going to go with the Republicans.
So to me, it's blew no matter who, unless, you know, they're more blue than you are.
Then you can't do it.
Am I wrong about that?
Who do you think the third of the Democrats are who is going to back the Republicans?
You know, it's the same old gay.
It's the Joe Manchins and the Heidi Height camps in the world.
That's who it is.
They're just fucking, that's what they do.
They just run with a Democrat just because it's like, well, that's who, you know, the head of the wrestling federation told me to line up for.
Where are the people?
The people who shamed Democrats into voting for Joe Manchin, where are they now?
Why aren't they shaming people into voting for Ben Jellis?
It does not work the other way.
It'll never work the other way.
So, and go ahead.
Van Jellis is running for governor.
Greek Electronica composer Vengelis.
I don't know who that is.
I know who Ben Jellis is, though.
Aphrodite's Child.
Oh, Ben Jealous.
Oh, never mind.
Yeah.
But the GOP opens their tent to everyone.
Pedophiles, bigots, rapists, anti-science people.
But the Democrats will open their tent to anyone to the right of center.
So anti-choice or Republicans.
I mean, they love this.
This is the strategy.
This is the consequence of their new strategy.
So great job, guys.
But Tim Kane speaks Spanish.
Yo, Habla Español to you.
Yoablo and Pulquito.
Si, Senorita.
Grazi, yes.
Como habla pragmatic.
Yo no se, a vadremia.
Persistencia.
Persist.
Oh, okay.
By the way, I was afraid.
Anyway, who cares?
I really felt like I was speaking in Italian when I was in Italy because I just kept saying Grazzi, Grazzi.
Grazi, Grazi.
Everybody speaks Gritz.
So you say, Grazzi, food.
And by the way, Margarita Pizza translates.
Did you work with Stu Gotts in there?
You know what?
I looked up Stu Gats.
So he texts me, Stu Gotts, or whatever.
Constantly has nothing to do with him being in Italy.
And as I'm going to Italy, I'm like, let me look up what's the definition of Stu Gotta.
It doesn't, that's just a made-up word.
That's not a real word.
No, no, no, no.
I've looked it up too.
I looked it up.
It means it's like.
The Google Translate app does not do it.
Okay, well, it's one of those like New Jersey Italian things like Mutzadell.
It's like this weird sort of twisting of Italian, but it's what means balls.
And then it's whatever Italian for balls is, Stu Gotz is to that, what Mutzadel is to Mozzarella.
I never heard Mozziga.
Cheeseballs?
Grazi front of your cheese and balls.
I want to eat cheese and balls.
Can I just do an impression of, because you're my inspiration, of Jimmy eating in Italy.
Oh, fuck.
Thank you.
So it's the exact same reaction is when his phone rings and he looks at it.
Yes.
So when we were in Sorrento, I wanted to, our first night there, we ate inside the hotel because it was right on the thing.
And so, but then we wanted to go out to eat the next day.
And I go up to the front desk person and I said to the lady, I said, hey, we want to eat outside the hotel.
Can you recommend a place?
She goes, "Any place is good." *laughter* This is literally what she fucking said.
And she was right.
Every place we went was amazing.
But it's probably like a hint of contempt.
Like, all right, American.
I know.
It's like with the Applebee's, the TGI Fridays.
Just everything we make here is fucking great.
It's better than, and things out of vending machines are better than you could ever fucking have.
Just go find something and you go say Grazi and shut the fuck up.
Here is, and so of course, bring out the assholes who don't know really who to blame.
Here's a guy who writes for the New York Times, this guy Charles Blow.
Oh my.
Every time we have a bad day like this one, I'm reminded of how much I'm still upset with people like Susan Sarandon.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Don't you think his name should be Charles Blewett?
Okay, I'm working on that one.
I'm working on that one.
That's a real grown-up person.
That's a fucking grown-up person.
And I hear again, I go right to David Sirota.
You need to log off and meditate if you are blaming the 2016 loss on Susan Sarandon's comments on a tiny audience MSNBC show and not blaming a billion-dollar campaign that didn't show up in Wisconsin and lost Pennsylvania and Michigan to the most unpopular GOP nominee in American history.
Full stop.
Full stop.
Final stop.
Full stop.
Like it still blows me away that they can do that, that the power of one actress, right?
Jimmy, I'm still mad about what Susan Saranda did, just like I'm still mad about how in 1988 Stephanie Zimbalist was responsible for getting George H.W. Bush elected.
Yeah, I'm furious.
I like how he's like, every time I'm having a bad day, I just think of Susan Sarana.
It's like, really?
Every time I'm having a fucking bad day, I think of who did this to us?
The fucking politicians.
Yes.
And then oligarchs who are ready to come.
Susan Saranon.
She's fighting Trump.
She's getting arrested.
These assholes are drinking wine in Chelsea, Manhattan.
How the fuck, if you're going to just pick Hollywood celebrities, just you're just, that's where your blame's going to go, then I don't know, go off to fucking Scott Bale.
Like, what the fuck?
Chachi brought us Trump.
Mark Walberg did this.
He's after any stupid movie.
How about Kakay West?
Yes!
Oh, that would be racist.
Like, it's just, I can't even.
This country is so, like, can you imagine if the left went after Jane Fonda in the 70s, the way they're going after fucking Susan Sarandon today?
Could you possibly imagine that?
No, I can't imagine it.
It's preposterous.
I had more jokes to say, but I can't think of them.
Full stop.
Well, I just, they also forget that the Democrats not only lost to Donald Trump, right?
But they also lost a thousand seats from coast to coast and state houses.
They lost the governorships.
They lost the Congress.
They lost the Senate.
Who do they blame for that?
Molly Ringwald.
But Jimmy, didn't you hear Michelle Obama saying that George W. Bush was her spirit animal and she loves him?
There's his partner's in crime.
Bush was out 24-7 trying to get Kavanaugh in.
Yes.
Yeah, let's blame him.
By the way, Bush called Susan Collins three times to make her vote for Kavanaugh.
He painted a picture of her, too.
He gave her a little painting.
Drew Kavanaugh's dick in the bathtub, just like he likes it.
Remember those paintings?
He scrubbed those from the internet.
You can't find those anymore.
So here is Deborah Messing says she would rather be stuck in an elevator with Donald Trump than Susan Sarandon.
Now, hey, I know, because Deborah Messing, she's in show business.
I know what it's like.
she doesn't want to be around people who are more talented than she is.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, Deborah, what happened to that lesser of two evils bullshit?
What happened to that?
Well, she embodies the whole Democratic Party.
You'd rather capitulate to the fascists than actually to the actual left wing.
Well, that's the old thing.
They'd rather be with a Republican than a progressive.
There it is, right there.
I'd rather have her pussy grabbed than talk to someone like Susan Saran, I guess.
I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Trump, too, obviously, though, because I think if I complimented his hair, I could probably get him to pass Medicare for all.
I just want to know.
Now, listen to this part of the joke.
This is the part I do.
The event will go down in history as the chef that ended the shaft.
It's fucking horrible.
Yeah!
The first part is so good.
Second part is so nice.
You know what?
You know who the best person to be stuck in an elevator with Deborah Messing would be?
Somebody who could explain the electoral fucking college to her.
How about that?
That's a joke you can get behind, ladies and gentlemen, right there.
That's a fantastic joke.
Someone explained to her, Deborah Messing, that it was Bill Clinton that enacted, that actually changed the immigration laws that have allowed fucking Trump to do all this horrible shit.
Someone should explain that to Deborah Messing.
Someone explained to her that it was Bill Clinton that repealed Glass-Steagall.
Someone should explain to her that Obama helped create 5.2 million fucking foreclosures.
Someone explained that to her.
And then get out, like, I'll ride an elevator up and down with her all goddamn day.
You know, the only thing that I can think about is now how much I hate Deborah Messing.
Fucking hate her now.
That's it.
That's all I got.
Hey, if you want.
Or I was thinking maybe she should change her last name to Deborah Blewitt.
Anyways, I'm going to try.
I'm going to try one more time and it's going to kill.
Keep going.
There's a Blewitt home run waiting, right?
It's coming.
And if you do it, I'll fucking kill you.
Because I know him.
And by the way, if there's actual people to blame, how about people with power like Chuck Schumer, who said he won't punish Democrats who backed Trump's Supreme Court pick?
Well, hold on, Jimmy.
I think we're getting a little bit of ourselves.
How are my hair plugs?
Do I need to go in for a reboot?
You got to get them tuned up every now and again.
Look, you have to understand we're being pragmatic here, Jimmy.
We don't resist the resistance.
Do you see this Kanye West?
What was that circus?
Focus on that.
Don't worry about what we're doing.
We have to get this done so that we can focus on the midterm elections.
You know that very well.
I don't know why you're making such a fuss about it.
You always do this.
Make a fuss?
Yes.
Yes, I've made it.
Enough.
All right.
The whole FBI investigation was such a sham, too, because they kept putting it out there just as like a modicum of resistance.
They're like, okay, this is as far as we're going to go.
Will you agree to an FBI investigation?
And they're like, all right, fine.
And then we know what happened.
And it really shows you that that's the Democrats.
That was as much as they were willing to push to really resist this guy.
Well, here's the DNC chair, Tom Perez.
He gives thumbs up to any Democrats who might vote for Kavanaugh.
No problem.
It's about civility to them.
It's about cooperation.
Like Nancy Pelosi said, we're not going to work to impeach him if he doesn't.
There it is.
There's an education.
There she is.
Not on board with the kids.
So there's three people in the Democratic Party with actual power that could do something about this, but no one is pissed off at them.
And it's just mind-blowing, and they're still angry at, that's a guy from the fucking New York Times, ladies and gentlemen, who's pissed off at an actress.
And here there are actors.
Because why can't they be both?
Like, if you're going to be pissed off at Susan Saranda, why wouldn't you also be pissed off at Chuck Schumer and Nancy Blood?
Why would you just do?
Is it.
Well, you know, Democrats surrender so much.
It's like the French are laughing at them.
Mezerobo Libra.
Thank you, Ron Placombe.
Well, here's my...
I mean, here's Kavanaugh got groomed from the Federalist Society.
They've been groomed just to set the country back for decades.
And the fact that people have accepted George W. Bush, opened arms, but they still hate Nader.
It's like they'll hate Susan Sarano for the next 20 years, but they'll embrace Trump and fight.
That is so weird.
Yeah.
And people are embracing George Bush again.
Unless you remember how shitty George Bush was.
George Bush was so shitty.
He had to brag about stuff.
He would say, hey, I kept you safe from terrorism since 9-11.
That's like the bodyguides for Kennedy going, nobody shot him twice.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
You check his head.
Just one hole.
You're welcome.
You know, I just want to say one more thing about Nancy Pelosi.
You know, like, she, I don't know if she reminds me of my grandmother, you know, who wanted to fuck the next generation.
Bam, people got upset you called her grandmother.
She's a fantastic woman.
And my friends in the other house, I can't handle all of this woman bashing.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
How many faceless.
There's a lot of misogynies coming from you, I detect, Mr. Door.
That'll be my angle.
This is the only voice I brought a prop for, so I'm going to be doing it a lot.
So here's what Michael Moore said.
He tweeted this out.
He says, five days ago, the Democrats and liberals did the same old thing, claiming some empty victory when Jeff Flake feigned shame and then foolishly placing their hopes in the FBI.
The FBI doing an investigation.
When is our side going to wake up and start fighting?
Stop hoping and start acting.
That's what he says.
And I said, well, if by our side you mean corporate Democrats, the answer would be never.
The real question is, why doesn't the actual left realize this and when will they?
Maybe stop pledging your vote to those who don't fight for anything.
Doing that only leads to more tweets like this.
Cheers!
Woo!
Progressives need to take a page out of the tea party.
I don't like the Tea Party.
I don't like their platform.
I don't like many of their tactics.
But their resolve is they go On the floor of the Republican convention and say, if you don't give us what we want, we fucking walk.
And progressives keep going, well, they're going to take down super delegates a little bit.
It's like a fucking alcoholic saying, I'm only going to drink on the weekends, man.
Or after five, or if it's a business lunch and it's a client, but that's it.
A little something in my coffee just to get the fucking day going, but that's it.
That's it.
And every fucking way we did it, we reforming the Democratic Party.
You aren't reforming a fucking thing.
It's a country club that's, hey, we're going to allow one black guy to join.
Aren't we progressive?
Yeah, Michael Moore back in 2000 was speaking at Ralph Nader's rallies, screaming the lesser of two evils is still evil.
And then four years later, he was on his hands and knees begging Nader not to run.
Yes.
But I think that this really calls into what needs to happen.
The fact that all these people are just terrified of activists yelling at them.
That needs to happen much more because that's literally all they care about and all the only thing that affects them.
So I think, you know, Michael Moore's not giving enough credit to the hundreds, if not thousands of people who were there yelling in their faces because we saw how fucking scared they were about that, about actual democracy, about people responding to the policies that are going to affect millions of women around the country.
Nonviolent protests is the thing.
Chris Hedges talks about that.
He talked about this in death of liberal class.
He talks about this in America, the farewell tour.
He goes, it's going to take wholesale, just no, we're not doing this.
Not violent, but like that.
Standing in the Capitol going, no, no, fuck you.
All those, like the teachers' unions won strikes in red states.
It's going to take people walking out.
Not on a Saturday.
I mean, shutting shit down, shutting it down.
Shutting it down.
You want gun reform?
The high school kids need to go, we're not going to school for a fucking month until you change this shit.
That's what's because look how fucking scared they were.
Somebody said mean things to me.
You're an elevator.
My pearls were getting foggy.
They just want to get home to campaign quicker, okay?
Give Chuck Schumer a break.
All right.
I had to green light those.
Thank you.
All right.
Finally, some sense.
Well, you know what?
I just want to say this.
We have been indoctrinated to respect these people who have been elected officials.
Like, we're supposed to comport ourselves in a respectful manner.
And now we're not supposed to do that as Americans.
We're supposed to hold them accountable now.
And we're supposed to make them uncomfortable.
And we're supposed to agitate.
What are we supposed to do?
Agitate.
What are we supposed to do?
Agitate.
So let's fucking start agitating these people because they're supposed to be afraid of us because we are not getting health care until we keep agitating.
That is true.
Okay.
Hey.
Let me tell you something.
You come up to me.
In New Jersey, New York, anyway.
And start doing this shit to me.
You want to find out what happens to you, fucking hushed.
You're going to get the Chris Christie treatment.
You understand it?
You're going to come to me.
I'm going to bounce my fucking front butt up against you, you know, house bank.
And you're going to learn what it means to respect the public servant, you fucking tax suckers.
Don't even fucking try it.
So this rehabilitation of George Bush won't stop.
Joe Biden will present this year's Liberty Medal Award to former President George Bush for their commitment to veterans.
And I say, hey, he said young men and women to die for oil ordered torture to cover up.
So yeah, this seems fitting.
I wonder why half the country doesn't vote.
fucking Susan Sarandon, am I right?
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
Here's one more.
He says, thank you for making so many more veterans than there otherwise would have been.
And then making weird portraits of them out of a sublimated guilt for the massive amount of death you've responsible for.
Welcome to the resistance, George Bush.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe this shit.
By the way, here's Michelle, you were talking about this earlier.
It's Michelle Obama.
I like her.
She told me that women are stupid, and I'm thinking, baby, we are.
She did.
She's a little straight shooter.
She goes, Obama is a Democrat said her friendship with Bush Republican defies labels.
How about this label?
Fucking shitty.
How about that label?
How about neoliberal gangbang?
How about that?
Party doesn't separate us.
Color, gender, those sort of things don't separate us.
What the fuck?
Some shit should separate you.
How about that?
Well, war crimes unites them.
Yes.
She goes, I love him to death.
He's a wonderful man.
He's a funny man.
Remember how funny it was when he was fucking murdering all those people around him.
Morning almost joked on a pretzel.
It's so funny.
We're sitting around with George and George and my husband.
And George laughs about the $700 billion that he bailed out the banks with.
And then my husband's like, I did the same amount.
It was $1.4 trillion.
And no one went to jail.
Oh, he laughed.
He's just an angel.
I love that we can rise above like skin color and just unite on like these really funny things.
We unite on just on having our boot on the necks of the 99%.
It's fun.
It's so fun.
All ethnicities, we can just shake it together and we just reenact denying people the public option for no reason.
That's not great.
Can I have the public option?
No.
No.
It's funny every time.
All this is going in my new book when it comes out, by the way.
So you're cute.
Keep going.
You're writing for me.
I love it.
So I got to get to this real fast.
By the way, it's a big club and you ain't in it.
There you go.
It's a big club.
They have health care.
And no matter who you vote for, the rich stay rich, the poor stay poor, and the bops never stop.
Okay?
It's amazing how Trump geniusly flipped the whole Ford testimony to saying she was a CIA shill and all of his base was like, no, she's a CIA show.
It's like, dude, Kavanaugh was a Bush administration aide who covered up the torture program and mass spying.
Like, how did this happen?
Well, here we go.
So Democrats don't care about that, though.
We've already covered this on the show.
I'll go real quickly.
The Democrats regret not fighting harder for Obama.
So you want to be angry at someone else here.
You could be angry at someone with power.
We should have shut down the Senate, said Brian Chats, Democrat from Hawaii.
We made a calculation that we were going to win in 2016 election and confirm a nominee, and it didn't work out.
Oh, it fucking didn't work out.
He goes, oh, in hindsight, Senator Martin Heinrich said, I think we would have liked us to take an even harder line.
I mean, as opposed to the no line you took at all, not fucking harder.
Chris Kang, who worked in the Obama White House for six years and played a central role in getting the judicial nominees confirmed, said there's no question the Democrats could have done more to push Garland's nomination through, even if they had limited options to the minority.
So again, Charles Blow, There's your double CK.
If you want to be fucking mad at somebody, get mad at somebody with power.
They're admitting it was their goddamn fault.
But people are still going to wag their finger at Susan Sarandon and people like me and fucking activists and people with no money and no power.
I'm sure Jill Stein had something to do with this too.
Well, of course they did.
Jill Stein absolutely did, just like Belgium caused World War II.
Yeah.
They blame the Democrats who voted for Trump.
It's like up to 8% in some of these thing states.
I don't see any rage directed at them.
It's a little odd.
Where Gary Johnson took more votes away from Trump than Jill Stein did from Hillary.
Well, Graham, people don't, you're not allowed to participate in democracy if you're to the left of somebody.
Oh, right.
To the right, it's okay.
Libertarians and all that, they can do whatever they want.
But if you're to the left, you're a bad person, and you're probably a Russian plant.
I don't know if you know this, but the Dems have a new motto, vote for us, or you're just a horrible person.
That's it.
How is that not going to win?
So here's this new article in the intercept.
Obama's resistance to investigating the Bush administration allowed Brett Kavanaugh to skate on.
So Barack Obama, when he came in, you're supposed to prosecute war criminals, okay?
You're supposed to, it's not an option, right?
That's you're compelled to do that.
He didn't.
Barack Obama didn't prosecute any of the torturers or the people who ordered it or carried it out because all those torture crimes happened in the past.
And Barack Obama was looking towards the future.
And when I heard that, I felt a lot better.
Because all the crimes I've committed, they're in the past, too.
Ha ha!
I'm glad we're not prosecuting past crimes anymore.
I bet those people in prison are pissed off they committed their crimes in the future.
Fucking stupid criminals, am I right?
Jimmy, have you ever heard of the expression, let bygones be bygones?
Have you ever heard of that before?
Mr. Bellamy.
I mean, you know, where would that have gotten us?
What would that have done to actually seek justice for these people?
What would that have done?
If you would have prosecuted the torturers, Kavanaugh would have been one of those guys who would be disqualified now from sitting on the court.
That would have helped that girl back in high school.
I wouldn't have done anything for her.
Exactly, how much time traveling are you looking to do?
I'm sorry, my DeLorean's in the shop, Jimmy.
I can't help you out.
Can't bending doing a Philadelphia experiment to help you agenda.
You are.
That's a weird movie reference right now.
You know, I've heard this guy out there that I think we should actually rally behind him in 2020.
He's saying a lot of good stuff.
Barack Obama.
He's saying, prosecute the bankers.
He's saying that he endorses Ocasio-Cortez.
I mean, this guy sounds good.
Am I right?
2020.
Let's get up.
Barack Obama.
Open change, baby.
He came out for universal basic income, for fuck's sake, Barack Obama.
Did you see that?
And Medicare for All, he called it a good new idea.
Hey, I'm coming around.
What do you want from me?
I wanted you to say that shit when you're in power, you motherfucker.
You know I'm doing a character.
What the fuck?
Get the fuck out.
Holy shit.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show is you become a premium member.
We give you a couple of hours of premium bonus content every week.
And it's a great way to help support the show.
You can do it by going to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Clicking on join premium.
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So we know that all wars are bullshit.
The people in this room know, right?
We know that it's all for money.
And wars are bullshit, all of them.
In fact, here's General Wesley Clark really quickly telling you what the plan was a long time ago.
This is from 2007.
Today, and he said, this is a memo that describes how we're going to take out seven countries in five years.
Starting with Iraq and then Syria, Lebanon, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, and finishing off Iran.
Go through the countries again?
Well, starting with Iraq, then Syria and Lebanon, then Libya, then Somalia and Sudan, and then back to Iran.
So that's where we are.
And so at the Hudson Institute the other day, they were ramping up the, they're beating the drum for war.
And did you see what happened?
Yeah, so this guy's saying some shit about Iran.
It is time for all nations to join us in holding Iran to a new level of accountability for its destructive behavior.
No, just the fact that we literally blew up the fucking country right next to them and no one was held accountable for it.
And we ordered torture to cover it up.
And B's like, guys like this with a fucking, he's just like a walking human cock.
And unbelievable that this with a straight face, just like the worst, that's the most disgusting person I can think of in the world is this motherfucker right there, dressed up in a $5,000 suit in front of a podium in Washington, D.C., lying to get us into a war to go kill who?
More fucking poor people in another country that has nothing to do with us.
That's what that fucking guy did.
Well, Iran, to be fair, Iran committed the egregious crime of going off of the petrodollar to the Euro.
They never should have fucking done that.
Boy, you're going to get one right between the goddamn eyes.
Or a knife like Gaddafi got because he tried to go do the same goddamn thing.
And so Assyria also, so here is, well, here's what happened.
Especially its lawless pursuit of ballistic missiles.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right.
Can anyone hold that guy's overly sized microphone on his tie accountable?
Because that fucking thing is offensive.
He looks like he was 3D printed with dough.
Everyone in D.C. looks like that, especially this motherfucker.
So here we go.
The world community wants to keep the Iranian career dealer.
Our allies.
Yes.
The Germans, the French.
They want to keep it.
The world community wants to keep the deal.
Let's talk about normal countries.
Let's talk about Saudi Arabia.
Is this where our allies are listening?
They are sitting to the world community.
And let's talk, you're hurting it.
You're actually hurting it.
I want to ask you, do you think these sanctions are hurting the regime?
Are they hurting the Iranian people?
They're hurting the Iranian people.
You are making a case for war with Iran.
How did the war with Iraq turn out?
You're doing exactly what you're doing in the course of Iraq.
We don't want another...
Another war in the Middle East.
Let's see.
How does Iraq turn out?
How did Libya turn out?
We have to be more curious.
and go get it.
We can't get it.
So let's get real.
We can't get it.
We can't get it.
Yes, that's a badass.
That is a fucking badass.
And I love that.
Like, guys, ma'am, why they don't understand why you keep talking.
Ma'am, don't you understand that I'm telling you to stop?
You don't get this.
I'm saying stop.
And he literally said, you can talk outside all you want.
Oh, all right.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for letting me talk where it doesn't matter.
I actually think that video is like required if we want to.
You have to watch her how she's able to articulate exactly what she needs to say.
And she doesn't allow them to like pull her off her message the whole time.
Did you see that?
She said, You cannot invade.
What about the war in Iraq?
And one million people that you killed.
You can't do that.
And all of your wars are nonsense.
And I really would deploy you from spending another $5 trillion on your war because none of it is balanced.
Ow!
Ow!
That woman is a yogi and a hero.
We love Medea Benjamin.
Yay!
Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Jimmy, you are so naive.
Be me.
Please call me.
Oh, you did.
Iran poses a threat to the Middle East.
To Israel, and to the world in general.
They need regime change that needs to be spearheaded by the West.
Anyone who disagrees is living in a fantasy world.
You're the nuclear threat in the Mid-East.
Whoa, no, no, no.
We just illegally acquired nuclear weapons in the 1960s.
What is it?
All right, I have to, please keep talking, baby.
I have to go pee.
So, yeah, these.
All right.
This is like when I got to speak in front of Congress for no fucking reason.
Yeah.
How are you?
I'm in charge of this place now.
I like your country very much.
Netanyahu, you need to stop shooting on our Palestinians.
Yes, we're out of here.
What you're doing isn't right.
I don't want you to shoot on our page.
She said the word boycott one time.
I won't run over my country.
Get her and that bitch, Roger Waters, out now.
I mean, these doughboys are having these conferences every day.
Can you imagine if there were like a million more people like Medea Benjamin who actually cared about bombing children every day, who were interrupting business as usual to shut shit down like she did?
And she's right because she said, you know, this guy who was talking about accountability for Iran, we already have the harshest sanctions in the history of relations with Iran.
So the next step is actually war.
Sanctions are already an act of war.
So that is what he's talking about.
They're just so nonchalantly, you know, flippantly talking about a war with Iran.
And this is a country, too, that was back-channeling peace with the Bush administration.
And they just went, no, shut the fuck up.
You're an ear evil.
You're one of the axes of evil or whatever.
And like, it's another country.
It's the same pattern.
They get democratically elected people in there, and then we find some, they don't want to play ball with us and our resources.
So guess what, man?
You're a problem.
We're going to go after you.
We're going to kill you, and nobody cares.
And you're so right, Abby.
This needs to happen all day, every day, everywhere, because these assholes are operating under cover of darkness at these little Hudson Institute.
We're a bunch of rich dicks.
That's what they're doing.
And they hope we're not paying attention.
Yeah, you think they're going to get affected by the war with Iran?
No, they have an Elysium built already.
Yeah.
For their grandkids.
Like, they're not.
You know, I just wonder what Vince Vaughn would think about this.
You know?
Who gives a shit what he would think?
I was hoping you might do Vince Vaughn.
What is Jimmy taking a fucking shit?
What the hell is going on?
Right.
First of all, yeah, we should bomb Iran.
You know what?
It's been a while since we've had a big war.
We've got all these little shit wars.
I'm tired of these little Yemen fucking things.
Places you don't even fucking shit about.
We've hated Iran since 1979, baby.
Let's go get him.
This would be like...
Who cares about Somalia?
We don't know shit about it, right?
Let's go get some of the big boys out there.
That's what I say.
I hope you enjoyed your time at the John Jibicor.
You're a treasure.
That's what I think about Iran.
And so to get ready for the Iran war that's coming, by the way, Facebook and Twitter coordinated and just purged over 800 political accounts and pages, including huge pages with millions of likes that challenge corporate media narratives, including anti-war, alternative media, and libertarian pages.
So it's happening.
It's coming.
I had to check my page right away.
Like, oh, fuck, my page's still there.
I don't know, Jimmy, maybe those pages.
You know, pages go down, they come up, they go down.
Maybe a page doesn't come back up.
You know what I mean?
Facebook pages trip and fall all the time.
Walking home, they get mugged.
That stuff happens, Jimmy.
I'd hate to see a little program at the platform.
Oh, also, the top lobbyist for Facebook hosted Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation.
That is correct.
That is correct.
Come on, let's be honest, though.
The only way you can see this coming is if you were alive and awake.
Right.
Why are you standing for every time that we talk about this, Jimmy?
People are like, why are you standing for fascists like Alex Jones?
It's like, do you not see that it's not just a free speech issue and a private corporation issue?
They are working with think tanks stacked with spooks and cops and government agencies.
The Atlantic Council.
Yeah.
The Atlantic Council.
It's Phil to be people like Henry Kissinger.
Absolutely.
And Michael Chertoff.
And Bill Kristol.
That's what's Philip.
And the first thing came for Alex Jones and I was silent because tribalism disconnected my critical thinking skills.
And the Weekly Standard is now the fact checker on Facebook.
Imagine.
Bill Crystal.
There you go.
He also says, among the pages targeted, Facebook's massive purge are popular pages that documented police brutality.
So when you got To make sure you got to take down the people who are the watchdogs of the cops, right?
Because the cops are going to start cracking some fucking heads again because there's going to be another economic downturn.
We're overdue for it again, so there will be another Occupy.
There'll be anti-war, and the cops are going to have to crack heads extra hard.
And so they got to shut down those pages that document cop pet cracking.
And so he says citizen journalism on police and brutality is now called fake news.
Yes, it is.
And to justify its mass purge of alternative media accounts, Facebook used the bogus excuse that it is supposedly cracking down on clickbait.
Yeah, and I don't understand what this is.
He said, yet, BuzzFeed is still curiously allowed to post its listicle number 8,000.
I don't know what that is.
Anybody know what that is?
I don't know what that is.
I don't freaking read BuzzFeeds.
I don't know what the fuck.
It's clickbait?
Yeah.
So here, it's how New York Times reported it.
Americans are using the Russian playbook to spread disinformation, and Facebook plans to call.
So now you don't even have to be Russian.
You're an American news bucket.
You're acting Russian.
You're acting.
Oh, you saw a little.
Do you want Medicare for all?
That sounds Russian.
You're a little bit, you're a little bit against fossil fuel extraction.
What the fuck are you, Ruski?
What's the matter?
Everything is going according to plan.
This is exactly what we're trying to do when we run the money rule action.
We're not going to...
Get...
Get clickbait removed.
By that, we mean links that we don't like.
And what is this idea that Facebook and they need to protect us from ideas that might ruin our brain?
I can handle it.
Ever since I was a kid, you walked by at the checkout stand, there's a National Inquirer and this.
And I never was like, wow, there really are helium monsters.
I was like, it's the World News Daily.
No one fucking believes that shit.
It's funny, right?
Well, look, they got to.
I mean, let's not forget it was Facebook Live that showed, and I forget the guy's name, who bled out because of a cop shot of him.
That's right.
So they got to shut that shit down, man.
Like, they own all the media, so the internet's the last spot.
And here, you know, what's ironic is that Alex Jones' conspiracy theory has been vindicated by the very organizations that denied it.
So it actually is a conspiracy.
Twitter, Facebook, the government, dark organizations doing this all in secret, in colluding.
That's the word they use because you can't say conspiracy if you're pushing it.
You have to say colluding.
So they're colluding together, which is what is exactly happening.
And that's kind of ironic.
And it's going, and here's NBC.
They're saying, hey, forget Facebook.
YouTube videos are quietly radicalizing millions of young people and the company is profiting.
Do you see where this is fucking going?
Do you see?
Radicalizing.
Radicalizing.
have been radicalized.
Yeah.
Oh.
That makes sense.
Hey, forget Facebook.
Let's go after the company.
That's our direct competition.
That's what that is, right?
So NBCs, their average age watching their news is 70 years old or something like that.
Now, no joke.
And, you know, shows like ours are what they call in the demo.
So 25 to 54, whatever, I don't fucking know.
But they're younger than the other people, and that's why they're coming at, and that's why they're trying to scare advertisers away from YouTube.
And now they're trying, oh, now they're trying to justify censorship.
Their people are being radicalized by YouTube.
What the fuck?
It's those ideas have always been out there.
I grew up with Nazis in Chicago.
They marched in Marquette Park every summer.
These ideas are not new.
They've been around.
It's okay.
We don't need jag off Silicon Valley billionaires to protect me from an idea.
Okay?
That's the whole point of the United States.
These extremists on YouTube, they talk about things that aren't real, you know, like runaway military budgets and shit like that.
Yeah, and I've always had, I've always had this censorship weapon.
It's just off.
I turn it off.
I don't watch it.
I block someone.
I don't need the fucking.
You do what?
Does that work off?
Yeah.
Graham, that cat video was chanting for a revolution.
Oh, it was.
I mean, like, I don't understand.
Like, I don't, I think Alex Jones, you can see his crazy shit.
I don't watch it.
I don't follow him.
I don't click on anything.
Right.
Why is Alex Jones more dangerous than Fox News?
Or NBA?
Or how about CNN that tells you Medicare for all costs more?
What the fuck?
You tell me what's fake news and what's not.
So here's a guy in England, and he was talking to a media person in England because it's the same shit over there.
You see what they do to Jeremy Corbyn.
You see what's happening.
He gets it worse than Bernie does over here.
Well, he's a little bit more ballsy anyway.
So maybe that's why.
But here we go.
Here's what this guy has to say.
What do you want to happen now?
What do you think?
What do I want to happen?
I want it to be a revolution in this country.
I'll say, fuck the media.
Fuck the mainstream.
You don't deserve to be there.
That's right.
It's about time for a real revolution, by the way.
And it's coming.
Whether you want it or not, it's coming.
I mean, we should be campaigning not to government, but to the BBC, perhaps as mouthpieces for this corrupt government.
Yeah, I mean, people need a revolution in this country.
Nothing short of that.
And if it was any other country, there'd have done been a revolution.
We've seen how you, the mainstream media have responded and reacted.
For two years, you've hounded, demonized, and Jeremy Corbyn.
And you said he was unelected, but he can't be.
There's no possibility of this man being elected.
And you created that narrative that people actually believed you're bullshit for a while.
It's fun when it's right in their face like that.
And it's weird that it's John Oliver.
But anyway.
Shown that people are immune.
They're in bulletproof vests to you and the other billionaire sort of media owners and Rupert Murdoch and all the other motherfuckers.
They've immune to that shit there.
And that is a vote of confidence, not in terms of Jeremy Corbyn, but it dismisses me.
But it also stands up to you as the mainstream media.
I say you personally, but I'm identifying as the mainstream media.
You understand what I'm saying?
I'm saying, I did it as a mainstream media.
There's a little bit more.
I think he has a little bit more.
You are a fucking motherfucker.
But now the news guy makes nice and he shakes his hand.
Watch this.
I like you too.
I like you too.
I like you fried, boiled.
There you go.
So here's how they're going to start the war in Iran.
This was from the Washington Institute for Nairi's policy, how to build U.S.-Israeli coordination on preventing an Iranian nuclear breakout with Patrick Clausen.
Here's Patrick Clausen.
He's going to tell you how we get into wars.
Here we go, ready?
I frankly think that crisis initiation is really tough.
Oh, God.
And it's very...
You know, starting a fucking war.
It's hard to do it right.
It's hard for me to see how the United States president can get us to war with Iran.
Which leads me to conclude that if, in fact, compromise is not coming, that the traditional way of America gets to war is what would be best for U.S. interests.
What would be best for U.S. interests?
That's how we get to war.
What?
That's the old school way.
Worry about our actual interests.
We got a whole new fucking thing.
These guys?
Does he know what he's talking about?
Like, how evil he's talking.
He's talking about just concocting a bullshit war that will kill innocents of millions of civilians, and American men and women are going to come home and fucking flag drape coffins or with prosthetic limbs or the 22 vets a day that fucking kill themselves from PTSD for these.
And he just talks like it's nothing.
Like, what we need is find a way to fuck puppies.
We need to fuck puppies in a wear and American way that brings us the kind of joy that only an American fuck puppy can have.
Like, he's evil.
It's fucking evil because he's in a suit and a Ted Carpo fucking haircut that just weaves around.
His neck's not even straight because he's so fucking evil.
He's eaten so many children.
But Graham, you have to admit that Americans are the best at fucking puppies.
We're so good at it.
Fucking high fives.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
USA.
USA.
Who knew?
Come on, who's with me?
Where's Brownie?
Laugh at that.
It's funny.
Who knew Jeffrey Dahmer had a brother?
So he's going to tell you how we get into war.
Here we go.
Some people might think that Mr. Roosevelt wanted to get us into World War II, as David mentioned.
You may recall we had to wait for Pearl Harbor.
Some people might think Mr. Wilson wanted to get us into World War I. You may recall he had to wait for the Lusitania episode.
Some people might think that Mr. Johnson wanted to send troops to Vietnam.
You may recall he had to wait for the Gulf of Tonkin episode.
We didn't go to war with Spain until the USS until the Maine exploded.
And may I point out that Mr. Lincoln did not feel he could call out the Federal Army until Fort Sumter was attacked, which is why he ordered the commander at Fort Sumter to do exactly that thing, which the South Carolinians had said would cause an attack.
See, that's how we do it.
Lincoln did it.
It's okay, you guys.
This is what I do.
What's the problem?
I look like Ralph Mouth.
And so if, in fact, the Iranians aren't going to compromise, it would be best if somebody else started the war.
One can combine other means of pressure with sanctions.
I mentioned that explosion.
Who's he looking at?
This motherfucker keeps looking at her off.
the fuck is he looking at?
Like, yeah.
He's looking out for CIA behind his back.
He's looking at Sheldon Adelson in his wheelchair right next to him.
So here's how we're going to get in.
We could step up the pressure.
I mean, look, people, Iranian submarines periodically go down.
Someday one of them might not come up.
Who would know why?
We can do a variety of things if we wish to increase the pressure.
I'm not advocating that.
I'm sorry.
He said he's not advocating.
But advocating.
This is what the mob does.
You know, Jimmy, it'd be a real shame that money you owe me if you fell down a flight of stairs.
You know what I mean?
I'm just saying.
You know, your mother's got a nice house over there on Long Island.
It'd be ashamed of it burned down if you don't.
You know what I mean?
I'm not saying it should, but.
You know what's awful?
It's when a hammer just automatically out of nowhere just busts a guy's kneecaps.
He had no hold of the head.
We don't know who did it.
Jimmy, submarines go down, they come up, they go down.
Maybe it doesn't come up all the time.
Who's to say?
Act of God.
So there you go.
And they're getting, and by the way, the Democrats are very pro-war too.
They're not your savior, right?
They all voted to give Trump's a madman.
Let's give him some more bombs.
Okay, that doesn't go.
So here is Michael McFaul.
He says a Democratic Iran not only would free Iranians from oppressive theocracy, but produce closer ties between our two countries.
Real security, economic, moral benefits for both Iranians.
He's saying, let's go invade their goddamn country like we did Iraq and Libya.
We're doing in Afghanistan and Syria and everything will be better.
These guys are fucking psychopaths.
Yet they're held up.
That guy is going to be brought on MSNBC.
He's going to be introduced nicely by a guy with a fucking pocket square.
I've told you.
And here's, well, here's Bill Crystal.
Very true.
He retweets him.
Bill Crystal says, very true.
And great to see a bipartisan consensus for regime change in Iran.
Chicken hog.
Wait, he's never been wrong, though.
I mean, he knows what he's talking about.
And let's remember who gets killed in wars, right?
People get killed in wars.
Not the leaders of the countries, but the people.
And here's what Anthony Bourdain said.
He said Iran was mind-blowing.
My crew has never been treated so well by total strangers everywhere.
We had heard that the Persians are nice, but the nicest didn't see that coming.
So the Democrats want to get control of Congress, and what's their big priorities?
Medicare for all, maybe if they could get control of Congress, maybe free college, maybe a living wage, maybe end the wars.
Huh?
Well, Nancy Pelosi says the first thing on her list is to go tackle Trump's taxes.
Oh my God.
Oh, she's going to go at Trump's taxes because that's what's on everybody's mind.
It works so well for fucking Rachel Maddow's show.
Let's do it.
That's right.
Why doesn't somebody go after that $10,000 fucking string of pearls around her $4,000 suit?
How about that?
She's worth $100 million.
Just so you know.
I love Walter Bragwin says millions can't afford health care and many are dying from it.
Most have no savings and live in debt.
Earth is dying.
Despite it all, we're spending billions overseas on apartheid genocide and war, a testament to the influence of money in politics.
And what are the Dems running on?
Trump's fucking taxes.
They're running on civility, too.
Yeah, okay.
That's right.
Let's return to civility here.
You know, I woke up when Nancy Pelosi said she wouldn't impeach Bush, and here we are, fucking how many years later?
Right?
Like, oh, we're not gonna.
So her first priority, Trump's taxes.
Her second priority is the White House grocery list.
Jimmy, the American people deserve to know what the president's tax.
It's very important.
We need to know what happened in the past 30 years ago with his money.
Also, if you've heard about this Stormy Daniels woman, have you heard about this?
She's a porn star and this lawyer.
Oh, it's a mess.
We need to get to the bottom of it.
Resist.
Hillary Clinton said this.
She's been on a tweet storm.
She goes, we should be clear about this.
The increasing radicalism and irresponsibility of the Republican Party, including decades of demeaning government, demonizing Democrats, and debasing norms, is what gave us Donald Trump.
I said, I'm pretty sure committing the largest election fraud in the nation's history to cheat the guy who would have crushed Trump, then blaming another country while getting the press to help elevate Trump via pipe fiber strategy is the reason we have Trump.
But you keep gaslighting.
It's all the devs have.
But at least her and her husband are going on a six-month speaking tour.
That's right.
Who wants to buy tickets for that?
I can't wait to see that.
I do.
Why don't you leave Hillary alone?
Hillary Monero.
I am sick of this.
First of all, stop clapping because it's triggering.
You don't know what things in the past have been caused by other claps.
I am sick of this anti-Hillary tone of your show, and you need to get over.
Stop it.
And yeah, Susan Sarandon ruined the world.
You just need to come to terms with that.
I don't care if you've been a big fan since her movies or whatever.
Hello.
John McCain is a hero.
Well, good afternoon to you as well, Brock.
Oh, sorry.
Hi, how are you?
I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.
John McCain is a hero.
Don't you mean was?
John McCain is gone, but his legacy will live on.
I know it's true because I saw it on VH1's behind the music, but that's not why I called.
I called to lecture you on obvious subjects using worthless, non-committal bullshit phraseology.
For example, Jimmy, what's the biggest threat to our democracy?
Corporate money.
Wrong.
The big C. Cynicism with a capital C. Dig it.
That's kind of hard to define or categorize.
What do you propose we do about this threat of cynicism?
Simple.
They go low, we go high.
Well, they've gone pretty low and they keep getting lower.
How much higher can you go?
So high that we're on the bottom again.
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkomedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Connop, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Step Sam Murano, and Mark Van Landowick.
Special thanks to our guests from Empire Files, Abby Martin and Mike McRae, flew in all the way from Austin, plus the political vigilante, Graham Elwood.
Special guest with the miserable liberal and myself and everybody at the Flappers Comedy Club in Burbain, California.
Big thank you.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out!
I'm not kidding.
Don't freak out!
Don't freak out!
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
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