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May 3, 2018 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:05:33
20180503_0502_TJDS_PODCAST
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Oh, hey, it looks like I got a call from my favorite online provocateur, Saint Himmler.
Saint Himmler, how are you?
I'm doing excellently, Jimmy.
It's a pleasure to speak to you again.
Although I may despise what you stand for, I respect you greatly as one alpha gentleman to another.
Oh, well, thank you, Saint Himmler.
And I assure you, the feeling is not mutual.
So what's going on these days in the world of the online alt-right?
Actually, I wouldn't really know, Jimmy.
What?
Yeah, I wouldn't designate myself as all right anymore so much.
You know, we did what we set out to do, which was get Trump elected using a cartoon frog.
And we did that.
And now he's burned the world down, which is what we wanted.
So, you know, mission accomplished.
Identifying is all right anymore.
It's just sort of boring.
You know, at some point, you have to pull up stakes and move on to other corners of 4chan, you know?
I see.
Well, what are you now?
I mean, I assume you have to have some kind of online identifier, right?
Well, of course.
It's not like I stopped being a person.
I'm in cell now, Jimmy.
Incel, all the way.
What?
Incel.
Who?
Incel, baby.
Involuntarily celibate.
Incel is a radical, violent, Reddit, and 4chan-based online congregation of young men who have been perpetually and permanently sexually rejected by women.
Dry dicks for life, dude.
Oh, so you were behind the Toronto Van attack recently and the Santa Barbara mass shooting four years ago?
You got it, Jimmy.
As opposed to other lame white male online extremisms, we incel have actual terrorism.
How exciting.
I know.
Guys who can't get attention from women throw giant temper tantrums about it and kill people.
Isn't that the coolest thing you've ever heard?
Yeah, you seem pretty happy about this.
Oh, ecstatic, Jimmy.
Ecstatic.
I really feel like I've come home, you know?
How so?
Well, when I was all right, I had to do that thing they all do where they pretend like they've had sex before, like a lot.
That their penis is average size.
They have a bunch of girlfriends, you know, which is ridiculous because they're all virgins, all of them, even the married guys.
But that matzo thing is a big part of that world.
Remember how I used to call you cock all the time?
Cuck?
Yes, I remember.
Yeah, I'd say that constantly, and I didn't even really know what it meant.
I was a fraud.
We all were.
But now with incel, the fact that I've never gotten close enough to a girl to smell her perfume makes me powerful.
We're all in the same pool of rage together.
It's beautiful.
And now all the Chads and Stacies are going to get it.
Chads and Stacies?
Oh, yeah, that's part of Incel lingo.
Chads, I mean, that means it's a type of guy that women want to sleep with.
And Stacies are women who have sex.
So, you know, think like, you know, Jockson's cheerleader, sort of.
And they're going to get it.
You do know that all sorts of people have sex, right?
Not just good-looking popular people.
Ah, sounds like someone hasn't taken the red pill yet.
Keep living in your fantasy world, Chad, until we blow it all up, every last bit of it.
So you're going to kill all sexually active people on Earth via terrorist attacks that kill five to 20 people at a time?
Yeah.
Saint Himmler, when you start getting into those online movements, is there ever a moment of self-awareness where you think, maybe this is kind of sad and lame?
Hello.
What the hell is sad and lame about owning a bunch of Chads and Stacies?
Look, as a Chad yourself, you're never going to understand.
But for those of us who had never been with a woman, through no fault of our own, even though we're awesome, for those of us who waited and waited for the changes that puberty promised but never delivered.
Wait, what?
Those of us who got Donald Trump elected and then swore off women forever because they suck and are a bunch of sluts.
This online fortress of incels is the closest thing to a warm vagina we'll ever experience.
And we're not leaving.
And the rest of you will live in fear forever of our wrath.
No, I'm pretty sure the rest of us will just have sex.
Mock away, Normie.
But the day of the rope will come soon.
If you're respectful, I may have you spared because of our shared history.
Hey, if you want to declare war on men who have sex, what makes you think you'd win?
By definition, we have all the strong guys, all the wealthy guys, and all the smart guys.
Those are all things women like.
Oh, yeah?
I bet you think you have all the funny guys, too, because women love a sense of humor.
Yeah, no one thinks that, actually.
Oh, for real?
Yeah, because we got this one guy over here who's super hilarious.
You should hear him, but, you know, he's like, you know, really ugly.
Yeah, yeah, women aren't going to sleep with him.
Trust me, I've seen this a lot.
Right.
Right.
Okay.
Well, Jimmy, the next time we talk, who knows, I may have moved on to a completely different online hellhole community full of young, angry white males seething with malevolence.
But for the time being, I'm squarely amongst the most vile and dangerous of them all.
Incel.
All right, St. Himmler.
Good to know.
The day of the rope is coming, Normies.
Goodbye.
Incel.
By the time someone explains to you what it means, it's already too late.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-lovered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
Hellbentz may be on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say...
It's hard to talk in your TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
Oh, my God.
It's Jimmy Door.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Door Show.
We're going to see you July 1st in Portland, Oregon.
We had it a second show, July 1st, Portland, Oregon.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for all of our tickets, for all of our shows.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Hey, did you hear John Kelly called Donald Trump an idiot?
And the press is now saying that is a direct attack on Sarah Huckabee Sanders' looks.
You got to agree with them, right?
You got to agree with them.
Hey, by the way, will somebody please give Amy Goodman a throat lozenge?
Just throw that out there.
Comedians say Michelle Wolf did great.
She was hysterical.
Dennis Miller says, I need help writing these anti-Michelle Wolf jokes.
Anybody interested?
Comedians, will there be parking?
You know, every time Andrea Mitchell says Michelle Wolf should apologize for her jokes, all I can think of is how she let Alan Greenspan put his thing in her.
Michelle Wolf's speech at the correspondence dinner caused so much unjustified outrage.
She should have just done it kneeling in a football jersey.
I'm sorry, I don't have any Dennis Miller jokes, but those aren't due till next Wednesday.
Hey, did you hear hashtag DemandBigger Ribs was a promoted Twitter trend by TGI Fridays?
Demand bigger ribs because we need a distraction from all our employees around the world demanding bigger wages.
Hey, I don't know if you're following the Joy Reed scandal.
If you're not, I'm not going to catch you up on it.
But if you are, here's some jokes for it.
Do you know what a Joy Reed?
She's kind of like the Kanye West of Joy Reads.
Say what you want about Joy Reed, but you got to admit she throws the best unknown external parties.
Hey, this just in Germany blaming World War II on unknown Russian hackers.
Coming up on today's show, a comedian slams the White House press corps and the press court clutches their pearls pretending to be outraged at a straw man.
Comedians, better than journalists, once again.
Plus, Dennis Kucinich is running for governor of Ohio.
He's actually going to help people, so the corporatists are out to smear him en masse.
Plus, we got phone calls today from alt-right personality Saint Himmler calls in today.
Plus, Chris Christie and Rick Perry calls in, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Door show.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to Jimmy Door Show.
I'm here with the miserable liberal and Ron Placone.
I'm miserable.
Howdy, howdy, Jimmy.
So everybody's got their bush it or not.
I mean, George Bush over the White House correspondence dinner.
Now, let's remember what the White House correspondence dinner is.
It's when the powerful get together with the people who are supposed to hold the powerful accountable and they blow each other.
Okay.
So that's what that is.
So when a comedian can come in and upset their Apple card, that's awesome, amazing, and fantastic.
And here's the person we're talking about.
Michelle Wolf's.
Republicans are easy to make fun of.
You know, it's like shooting fish in a Chris Christie.
Now that's funny.
Now that's about Chris Christie's appearance.
Nobody's bringing that up.
Nope.
No one's bringing that up.
Why?
Because everybody makes Chris Christie's appearance jokes.
That's why.
Everybody.
David Letterman, Seth Myers, Conan the Barbarian.
They all make fun of Chris Christie's.
What did I say?
He said Conan the Barbarian.
Oh, I meant Conan the late night guy.
His name is Conan.
Yeah, no, I know.
It is Conan.
It is Conan.
It's funny.
So here we go.
Now, what's going to be even funnier is that after she makes this joke, the C-SPAN camera waits about one more joke, and then they put the camera on Chris Christie, and you'll never believe what he's doing.
So she just made fun of him.
She just made fun of him because of his largesse.
Put it that way.
And here we go.
So I want to make fun of Democrats.
Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys don't do anything.
So there's Chris Christie.
He got a laugh out of that one.
And how does he reward himself for a nice laugh?
With a little screen of ice cream.
Come on.
He's literally eating ice cream as she's making fun of him.
And I think, by the way, I think he has, he's okay with it.
I think Chris Christie's okay with it.
I think he looks like he's having a good time and laughing.
Totally.
He doesn't seem like he's pinched and uptight about it.
So tip of the hat to Chris Christie.
He's not sitting there like Jake Tapper or like Trump did when Obama was making fun of him, right?
So this, I'm actually showing you this for two reasons.
A, the irony of the thing is hilarious, right?
Oh, yeah.
The timing of him eating and the camera and the joke.
That's just like one of those, what do they call that's called found, what do they call it on a movie set, Steph, on a we've found comedy.
Oh, okay.
And so now that's kind of overshadowed the joke she's making about the Democrats, which are great jokes.
She's really nailing them for being vacuous and empty and having nothing to give to people because they're bought.
She doesn't say it's because they're bought, but she just talks about the result of them being bought, which is they don't do anything and they offer nothing to anyone.
But you guys always find a way to mess it up.
The Democrats.
You're somehow going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile, Nazi Doctor.
Oh, he's a doctor.
We should definitely talk.
I mean, that's just fantastic.
That's fantastic.
Oh, he's a doctor.
That was the part that really got me.
Oh, he's a doctor.
The women in the Trump administration, there's Kellyanne Conway.
Man, she has the perfect last name for what she does.
Conway.
It's like if my name was Michelle Jokes Frizzy Hair Small Tips.
You guys got to stop putting Kelly Ann on your shows.
So here's the part.
Now I'm going to venture a guess.
This is the part that really upsets them.
It's this joke.
And then I'll show you the other jokes that really upset them and not the jokes they're pretending upset them.
So this is going to be one of those jokes that actually lands because she takes the legs right out from underneath the news media or the establishment press.
And watch how she does it.
Definitely does.
I was just going to add it with smart timing too because she took a dig at herself first.
Yes, first.
Because she knew she's like, I'm going for the jugular next.
So I'm going to make fun of myself first.
Yes.
Very smart.
That's always smart.
Jay Leno taught me that when he's in the late 80s.
It's true, true, actually.
Anyway, here we go.
You guys got to stop putting Kelly Ann On your shows.
All she does is lie.
If you don't give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie.
And people, there was a few people starting to applaud.
And I just wish she would have let it sit there for a while, but she keeps going, right?
So she kind of goes over it, which I was like, oh, I'll just let it sit there.
Let it sit there.
But she did it.
She had some more jokes to get to, and so good for her.
But you can hear some people.
Look at there's Jonathan Carl.
Look at all these fucking douchebags up.
That's unbelievable.
What are you guys doing?
Congratulating yourself that you're friends with people in power and you don't hold them accountable.
Is that what you guys are there?
What is the point of this dinner?
Right?
They're supposed to be celebrating free speech.
Randy Credico got up and yelled, Hey, how we should all be on trying to save Julian Assange, and they threw him out.
We're going to have Randy on, hopefully.
So here we go.
Let's go back.
Like that old saying: if a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree?
I'm not suggesting she gets hurt, just stuck.
Stuck under a tree.
She's very funny.
There's also a course of funk.
Was that Kellyanne Conway saying?
Sure.
Kellyanne Conway.
Why are you going to a roast if you're not going to bring your sense of humor with you?
You know what just makes you look stupid, right?
Remember how dumb Trump looked when Obama was hitting him with those jokes?
And instead of enjoying them, he like, just laugh at yourself.
It doesn't take much to laugh at yourself.
Just go, ah, got me.
Just laugh.
I'm with you.
Okay.
She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she's about as helpful to women as an empty box at Tampa.
What's she talking about?
Ivanka.
She's done nothing to satisfy women.
So I guess, like father, like daughter.
Oh, so she's talking about Ivanka saying she's about as useful.
Remember what she was supposed to be helpful with?
That's great.
Another great joke.
Like father-like daughter.
Oh, you don't think he's good in bed.
Come on.
She does clean up nice, though.
Ivanka cleans up nice.
She's the diaper genie of the administration.
On the outside, she looks sleek, but the inside, it's still full of shit.
And of course, we have Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
We are graced with Sarah's presence tonight.
So here it comes.
So this is the part everyone's being fake upset about.
So I'm going to zero in.
This is about the response from a former comedian, retired comedian Dennis Miller.
That's how Andy Kindler refers to him as retired comedian, Dennis Miller.
So Dennis Miller's upset about this.
This is the joke.
So, you know, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a professional liar and because she's the press secretary.
That's what they do.
They lie, right?
That's what the press secretaries do.
Okay.
We all accept that.
So this, so, but what they don't like is what a comedian actually points it out.
So here we go.
And of course we have Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
We are graced with Sarah's presence tonight.
I have to say, I'm a little starstruck.
I love you as Aunt Lydia and the handmaid's tale.
Mike Kennedy, if you haven't seen it, you would love it.
Every time Sarah steps up to the podium, I get excited because I'm not really sure what we're going to get.
You know, a press briefing, a bunch of lies, or divided into softball teams.
It's shirts and skins.
And this time don't be such a little bitch, Jim Acosta!
*laughter*
I actually really like Sarah.
I think she's very resourceful.
Like she burns facts, and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smokey eye.
Like maybe she's born with it.
Maybe it's lies.
It's probably lies.
And I'm never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
You know, is it Sarah Sanders?
Is it Sarah Huckabee Sanders?
Is it Cousin Huckabee?
Is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders?
Like, what's Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women?
Oh, I know, Ant Coulter.
Ant Coulter.
So that's the jokes that everyone are pretending are about her appearance.
Now, you notice none of those jokes were about her appearance.
All those jokes about what a despicable person Sarah Huckabee Sanders is, because she is.
And that was a bridge too far.
But by the way, so those jokes are horrible.
Here's the jokes that are okay.
I just want to remind everybody: here's the jokes that are okay.
those weapons of mass destruction got to be somewhere Nope, no weapons over there.
Thank you.
So that's them all.
They're literally applauding him joking about lying us into an illegal war where we murdered hundreds of thousands of people and displaced millions more.
Killed children, killed grandmothers, killed them.
And he lied us into it.
And he's a war criminal.
And he ordered torture to cover it up.
And all the press is like, that's so funny.
He lied to us into a war.
That's so funny.
George Bush is so funny.
You better not make a joke about Sarah, the press secretary, lying, or else we're going to pretend it's about her appearance, and we're going to all have phony indignation.
So this is all pearl clutching.
And guess who's the biggest pearl clutcher?
Because by the way, Dennis Miller, who loved George Bush, never made a joke about him.
Here's what he said.
What a horrid human being Michelle Wolf is.
I'm going to read up on her over the next couple of days.
And I will have a few brutally mean jokes about her by Wednesday.
First of all, who tweets out that I'm writing jokes?
What a jerk.
What a joke of a joke himself.
Dennis, you haven't written a joke that anyone's ever repeated for about 15, 20 years.
So there you go.
And by the way, thanks for not putting a joke in your tweet.
You don't even have a joke in your tweet.
Well, it's not Wednesday yet.
Here's what Sky.
I love how he's also pretending that he's going to write the jokes.
Yes, yeah.
Here's Dan Soder.
I didn't know him before this, but he goes, remember when Dennis Miller was a comic instead of a joke hall monitor?
What a dork.
That's so great.
Really?
You're upset that a comedian made fun of the powerful Dennis?
Oh, you're going to take down that comedian, huh?
I'm going to write some jokes and they're going to be brutally mean.
Who announces that their jokes are going to be mean?
A guy like Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller is such a lame ass.
It is unbelievable What a lame ass he is.
Oh, Gusta Wynn would knock that fucking guy over.
Yeah, you're over there cracking that joke.
Underneath, he goes, she says, I'm going to get her some mean jokes by Wednesday.
Bart says, must be nice to have all that time to read now that your career is over.
And then our good friend Doug Benson, who we have to get on the show.
I don't know why we haven't had him on the show.
I love him.
He says, ha ha, can't wait to hear him call her babe and cha-cha.
Well, I think in some ways, Dennis Miller is kind of a pioneer in comedy because, you know, I've always thought and still think that comedy is kind of about David and Goliath and we're David, you know?
Yeah.
But Dennis was arguably the first person that was like, screw this.
I'm teaming up with Goliath.
I'm teaming.
I'm going.
He's the opposite of a And then when someone does take the piss out of them, he tries to use comedy to take the guy taking the piss out of the powerful down.
He's wrong in so many ways.
It's a unique approach.
He's like Andy Kaufman, except he's for real, by the way.
Except he's for real.
He's like really doing it.
Yeah, Dennis Miller is not, he's a joke to comedians, right?
He's not funny.
It's not funny when you punch down.
Just so you know, never funny to punch down.
Only funny to punch up.
When you're punching down, it's called bullying.
God bless Bart Coleman and Doug Benson.
Good for them.
And Kamal Ninjani and everybody else who's given it to these people.
I like this.
It says, one famous U.S. newspaper once had the slogan, to comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable.
The White House correspondent slogan seems to be, no matter what happens, stay on the good terms with the powerful.
Yep.
The most offensive line in Michelle Wolfe's routine was Flint still doesn't have clean water.
If something else she said bothers you more than that, then maybe we shouldn't trust your judgment about anything.
And that's Anne-Marie Cox said that.
Anna Marie Cox.
And that's Cox with an X. So you can say that.
Yep.
Here's David Srod.
I love it.
He says, in the last 48 hours, icons from the Resistance Network, MSNBC, have A, defended a former anchor facing harassment allegations.
That's Tom Brokaw.
B, defended a current anchor who published homophobic screeds and then offered a dubious hacking story.
And C, attacked a comedian who criticized Trump folk.
That's MSNBC for you.
They couldn't suck any harder.
They could not suck any harder.
And, you know, it's like bittersweet for me because I would like to have a better press, but the fact that they suck so hard is actually good for this show.
I love Kamalden Johnny said this to Maggie Haberman.
He said, they call you liars, meaning the Trump people.
They call you liars.
They call Mexicans rapists.
They call Muslims murderers.
They support white supremacists, but someone calls them out on what they do, and suddenly they're heroes for not walking out.
Here's the White House correspondents.
What's the A4?
Assholes?
I think it's the White House correspondent assholes.
Association.
They put out a thing.
Dear members, do you want me to read it to you?
Oh, no.
They're not apologizing.
Yes.
I want to tell you how much your kind words meant to me following my personal remarks at last night's White House correspondence dinner about the roots of my beliefs in journalism's essential role.
I also have heard from members expressing dismay with the entertainers' monologue and concerns about how it reflects on our mission.
How about pushing illegal wars?
How does that reflect on your mission?
How about laughing at George Bush making jokes about wanting to re-listen to illegal?
How does that reflect?
Oliver Knox, who will take over this summer as our president, and I recognize these concerns and are committed to hearing from members on your views on the format of the dinner going forward.
Last night's program was meant to offer a unifying message about our common commitment to a vigorous and free press while honoring civility, great reporting.
First of all, if your mission of last night's program was meant to offer a unifying message about our common commitment, don't hire a goddamn comedian.
Why do you hire a goddamn comedian and then get your panties in a knot when they fucking do their job?
Or maybe your mission sucks.
Yeah, maybe your mission, that's a shitty mission.
Maybe your mission should be giving the truth to the American people.
Yeah, how about that?
That's not in their mission.
Does it say holding the powerful people accountable?
No, no, no, just being unified with them.
Yes, here's their mission.
Here's their mission.
A unifying message about our common commitment to a vigorous and free press while honoring civility, great reporting, and scholarship winners, not to divide people.
You know how good reporting doesn't divide people?
You know how great reporting makes the powerful feel united with the powerless?
What?
And the media too.
We're all one.
What?
And now, so, and again, you can see the emptiness of this thing and how bullshitty it is.
Because if she really cared about free speech and any of that stuff, they'd be screaming about Julian Assange right now.
And they're not.
That's how you know they're all full of it.
So she goes on.
Unfortunately, the entertainer's monologue was not in the spirit of that mission.
No, but her monologue was in the spirit of holding the feet to the fire of powerful people.
That's what her mission was.
And that's not yours at all.
Yours is to suck up to powerful people and then shit on someone who holds them accountable.
Seriously, you guys are rotten.
Go ahead.
How are you supposed to be civil when people are calling for war and we shouldn't be in war?
And the idea that she, Margaret says that about free press, I think that in itself is ridiculous.
There's no such thing as free press.
We've got corporate press now.
It's bought and sold and infiltrated.
Yes, Zeph, you're 100% right.
So good work, Dennis Miller, and the White House correspondent assholes.
Fantastic.
Oh, you know what?
You know who they're going to have next year.
Oh, maybe I'll have Dennis Miller.
Bach chop.
Chock, chop, pop, pack.
Oh, maybe that's his way to try to get.
That's right.
That's what Dennis Miller is doing.
That's what he's doing.
Dennis Miller is sucking up to power, so he'll get a gig.
That's why when he used to suck up to Bill O'Reilly, oh, you don't hear him talk about Bill O'Reilly much anymore, huh?
Nope.
Whatever happened to that, Dennis.
Remember, you guys used to go out and tour?
He used to go out and tour with the guy.
Like, as a comedian, you're supposed to make fun of the principal.
Dennis would be hanging out with the principal.
That's who Dennis Miller is.
If you ever watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off, he wouldn't be Ferris.
He would be the principal.
That's who Dennis Miller is now.
He's the opposite of a comedian.
He would tattletale on the kids that made fun of the principal.
He would tattle.
Dennis Miller is the kid that says, you forgot to give us homework.
That's who Dennis Miller is.
You ever have a kid in school do that?
I don't know.
Totally.
You forgot to give us homework.
Dennis, you're supposed to be a comedian.
So there you go.
I did a video about how shitty Dennis Miller was as a comedian and a person about seven years ago.
And Ben Mankowicz was on that video.
And I'd always, I had often thought about it, I wonder what I'll say to Dennis Miller when I bump into him because I know he's seen this video.
No one's making videos about Dennis Miller.
So you know he's seen it, especially because Ben Mankowicz on it.
And Dennis pretends to be a big fan of Turner Classic movies.
So there he was.
I'm walking out of the Roosevelt Hotel going over to the Chinese Man Theater, and Dennis Miller's walking in.
And you know what I said to him?
Nothing.
What is there to say to him?
We kind of brushed each other's shoulders.
I'm disappointed.
What am I going to say?
I'm disappointed or goddamn it, you're a piece of it.
What am I supposed to say?
All I'm going to do is insult him.
And then, you know, what's he going to do?
Take a swing at me?
No, he's going to say, wait till Friday, Dora.
I got a pen, some paper.
Gonna be me.
It's just, you know, there's nothing I can say to Dennis Miller that would be more hurtful than me going to him, ugh.
And that's what I do when I see Dennis Miller.
It's going, ugh.
Same look I give to Joan Walsh.
I mean, Dennis Miller is probably the biggest comedic disappointment of my life.
I was never a Bill Cosby, big, big fan of Bill Cosby.
So, no, I mean, everybody loved Bill Cosby when I was a kid.
I thought he was funny.
But Dennis Miller, just with what could possibly be going through his mind as a comic rod, right?
He's just like, he's got no.
Once you can sell out to George Bush, which he did, when he had a show on MSNB or CBCNBC, Dennis Miller had a show right after 9-11, and he announced, I'm not going to make fun of the president.
Well, then you're not a fucking get out, then get off TV.
Go give it to someone else who will do their job.
But that was him getting in bed with the right wing because that's where the money is.
There's a lot more money being a right-winger than there is being a left-winger.
That's where the money is.
So he'll always get sponsors.
He'll always get something.
Bill O'Reilly couldn't bring him on a show enough.
Bill O'Reilly.
Imagine if that's who your comedy partner is, Bill O'Reilly.
Like hooding up with Mr. Potter.
Like, why don't you go on tour with Mr. Potter?
Dennis probably needs somebody that's easy to follow.
Yeah, there you go.
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Last time Rick Perry left some message on my antiquated answering machine, it was National Burrito Celebration Day.
I wonder what the occasion is this time.
Happy National Burrito Celebration Day.
No, wait.
Alexa, what day is today?
I'll take my answer off the air, please.
Now heavyhead trips.
Okay, happy National Prescription Drug Take Back Day.
Take back your drugs and ask for better ones.
That's how it works, doesn't it?
I mean, aren't it?
Tarn.
Is that how that goes?
Answering machine.
What comes after?
That's how it works.
Comma.
Is it doesn't it?
Or aren't it?
I'll take my answer off the air.
Longtime listener, first time caller.
Oh, divine blue computer screen light.
You are my God.
Please don't let me sleep.
Sleep is nature's way of telling you you're dying.
And I'm afraid that armadillo might this will blow your mind.
This national subscription drug give back day.
I got rid of all my bottles of Dr. Shoup's worm remedy.
FYI, not to be used near open flame or pregnant ladies because they might give birth to an elephant or something.
And that would be sacred life.
Oh, Divine Leader Trump.
I love you because you are both great and simple.
Oops, did you hear that?
Hey, that wasn't me.
It was the Nauga Hyde couch.
Oh, fine.
Now I can't recreate the sound.
But you know, it wasn't me, right?
Innovate, don't regulate.
Dear Siri, you might ask, what is the secret of my longevity within the Trump administration?
Simple.
All you got to do is play cool, keep walking in the shadows, just laying low under the radar.
Know what I mean?
Whoops.
I just killed someone.
Uh-oh.
Hotet, don't change things.
Hello, Dennis Miller's phone machine.
Here are the Michelle Wolf jokes you asked for.
Can I get paid in money this time?
The laugh stop isn't in the boiler room of Griswold's old schoolhouse anymore.
There's just a dry cleaner's there now.
Is this a Taft Hartley gig?
Because they won't honor the drink tickets you gave me.
Anywho, here goes.
Now listen closely because I'm the only gonna do this once.
How about that, Michelle Wolf, ladies and gentlemen?
Don Budge, Mookie Wilson, and the polio vaccine, shot sheep.
Oh, and don't forget to thank the fine people for supporting live comedy and tell them to tip their waitresses over.
Giggle that lattens the atmosphere a little.
Then you can really lay into the colors.
Please stop asking me about Puerto Rica.
No, I do not know when their power gird is going to be restored.
No, I do not know who's going to pay for it.
No, I do not know why it's taken a year to connect power lines.
Who do you think I am?
The head of the Department of Energy?
Maybe they should switch to coal.
It's not my fault they got swindled in a Wall Street municipal bond Ponzi scheme and never had the money to upgrade and maintain their elarcticities.
Like Kanye says, it's their choice.
Are you into astrology?
Because I'm trying to make it to Uranus.
Peace out, homies.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to the Jimmy Door Show.
We have a very special guest.
It's everybody's progressive champion.
He was the mayor of Cleveland.
He's been a member of Congress.
He ran for president in 2004, 2008.
And now he's running for governor of Ohio.
Please welcome the Almighty Dennis Kucinich.
Hello, Mr. Kucinich.
Thanks for being our guest.
Just a humble servant of the people.
There's nothing almighty about me.
I'm happy to be here.
Well, listen, we've noticed everybody who watches this show, I'm sure, is aware of the good work that you've done.
That, in fact, the Washington Post just did a story a week or two ago about how the Democratic Party has finally caught up to your positions, which is nice to see, right?
So you're a leader.
You're always out in front on the issues.
And then the rest of the party has to catch up to you.
And now they're catching up to you.
So tell me, tell everybody why you're running for governor.
Well, I'm running for governor to be able to bring healthcare for all to Ohio.
I'll soon be releasing details of an Ohio care plan that would eliminate premiums, co-pays, deductibles, and bring healthcare within a reach of every Ohioan.
Right now, there are so many families who are suffering from the very high cost of health care.
And when there's a major illness in a family, it can wipe people off financially.
So we want to take that burden away from people and create a plan in Ohio where Ohio would lead the way for the rest of the country.
Wow.
So that's what it must be because the smears have already started on you.
And I caught this last week at the Huffington Post, and I'm going to put it up so everybody could see.
I don't know if you can see it, but it was the Huffington Post, and the headline was the fall of Kucinich, new ties to butcher bashar.
That was made me laugh when I saw it, not only because I was recently a victim of a smear by CNN for being anti-war, but everyone knows that of all the people in politics, you're probably the most strident for peace and anti-war, right?
So that's why that's kind of funny.
Go ahead.
Let me just tell you something.
In the Democratic Party, there's a pro-war faction.
They were for going to war against Iraq, even though the facts indicated otherwise.
They were for going to war against Libya.
They were for staying in Afghanistan at war.
They were for sending troops to Syria.
America has over 800 bases in about 130 countries.
You couldn't have that without the complicity of both political parties.
And so the Democrats who are the ones who are attacking me on this are, you know, they're bought off by certain interests that just want to keep war going.
And that's too bad.
But you know what?
It doesn't phase me.
I've seen this kind of stuff before.
And anytime you stand up for peace, no good deed goes unpunished.
And so you have to be ready to take some knocks.
But you know what?
What I found is that war is not necessary.
War is a racket.
And we need to challenge the thinking that takes us to war, because that's a thinking that can destroy our country.
And I look at the world as an undivided whole.
I see us as all people as being interconnected and interdependent.
And I think human unity is the basic truth that we have of our existence.
And so I act upon that.
I look to talk to people to try to find ways of reconciling differences to try to end conflict instead of accelerating it.
And so, you know, I've done that all over the world.
And of course, you know, there are people who don't like it.
We know very well that lesson.
We've learned that lesson here that when you do stick your neck out for peace, you're going to get a big backlash and you're going to get a lot of smears.
And what we've also experienced, and it was revealed in the 2016 election, someone in the corporate press wants to debate you.
They don't debate progressives.
They first smear you and then maybe they'll talk about your ideas.
So that's again, I appreciate your recognition of that because, you know, no one likes to be smeared, but I can assure you that none of that has any impact in slowing down my efforts to try to end conflict abroad or to try to end the wars here at home, which are brought about by these assault weapons, which are so freely available in our country.
Five states have now banned them.
I want Ohio to be the sixth.
And this button that I'm wearing, Jimmy, this is my NRA rating.
It's an F rating.
I don't know if you can see it.
Okay, that's what that is.
Yeah, through 16 years in Congress.
I've earned an F from the NRA.
I'm proud of that.
And of course, my principal opponent in this race has an A from the NRA, which is a pretty fancy footwork for a Democrat.
No kidding.
Cordre has a A rating from the NRA.
Well, he's earned it, actually.
You know, he led the effort in knocking out Cleveland's assault weapons ban in 2010 as Attorney General.
And then he went to the U.S. Supreme Court to knock out the city of Chicago's gun law, which affected every city, every city in the country.
And he's held rallies on the state house lawn with people who are carrying assault weapons.
And he's talked about these weapons in almost religious terms as being a natural right, a God-given right, part of the Anglo-American tradition.
I mean, come on.
You know, it's hard to take that seriously, except that he is being supported by the Democratic establishment in this state, which really don't care about the issues.
They don't care about people.
They just care about holding control.
So let me ask you about that.
So you're running as a Democrat.
Tim Canova recently realized that that was a dead end for him in Florida.
And he's running as an independent because lots of millennials and progressives left the party because the DNC cheated them out of Bernie Sanders.
And it was manifest.
That's not up for debate.
Donna Brazil wrote a book about it.
So why do you still think that it's necessary for you to run inside the Democratic Party when the people inside the Democratic Party are not only working against you, but working against their base, which are progressives?
No, that's true.
You're absolutely right.
And the question you asked is a valid one.
I happen to think that I can win this.
And I happen to think in doing so, I can transform the Democratic Party and transform the politics of the state of Ohio.
The Democratic Party no longer, you know, the party establishment doesn't represent the people.
They side with the insurance companies on healthcare.
They side with the gas and oil interests on fracking.
They side with the NRA on assault weapons.
They side with banks and utilities and all those interests, which are adverse to the economic interests of the people of Ohio.
So my election in a Democratic primary would be the first, one of the first steps that's happened nationally to push things in the other direction.
And it's possible.
I mean, the last poll that was taken showed that I'm in a dead heat.
So I think it's, you know, we really have a good chance to win.
Wow.
Well, that's very encouraging.
That really is very encouraging.
So I've been just, you know, very down on the Democratic Party, not progressives.
I'm for progressives no matter where they are, even if they're a Republican.
If you're a progressive, I'll be for you.
Right now, we keep seeing Democrats joining the Republicans to do horrible things like they just gutted Dodd-Frank, which was the regulations put in after the economic crash that was brought on by the deregulation from Bill Clinton.
So how do we so you think that you being winning this primary, you think that would send a shockwave through the Democratic Party?
Or do you think that they would just double down on their efforts to kind of discredit you?
Well, let me just say that if the people in Ohio decide to choose me as their nominee, That will have a profound impact on the political structure of the state with respect to the Democratic Party.
At this point, the state Democratic Party establishment is essentially a dead brokerage.
They've assumed the control and the brand of the Democratic of Democrats, but they don't have influence, except the brand does have some sway.
So, I'm not unaware of what it's like to have whatever apparatus is out there be focused on my campaign and trying to destroy it.
But I'm also confident that in this election, the people of Ohio may very well respond to our message, which is jobs for all, health care for all, education for all, clean air, clean water, and get rid of assault weapons.
And that's just for openers.
Now, I'm going to guess that most of those positions that you advocated are popular with the majority of Ohians, correct?
I've been getting a pretty good response.
You know, there's a misperception about Southern Ohio, which says that, well, these are people that really love their guns and particularly assault weapons.
And wherever I speak, one end of the state or the other, there seems to be a very strong support for banning assault weapons.
And that's a big deal.
And so the idea of the stereotyping of certain regions in Ohio is really false.
Again, because I look at the world as an integrated all, that's how I view the state of Ohio.
And I see the common concerns that people have, you know, one of which certainly is health care for all, because the cost of health care is going through the roof.
And the insurance companies who famously make money not providing health care are doing everything they can to make insurance not available in certain areas, denying people reimbursement for emergency room visits, increasing premiums, co-pays, and deductibles.
The system is broken.
And I think that based on my experience in drafting H.R. 676 in Congress, the universal single-peer not-for-profit health care bill, H.R. 676, I can bring that same letter and spirit to Ohio and give Ohioans a chance for real health care.
Now, I tell the story on this show about the Affordable Care Act that Barack Obama passed, the Obamacare.
When they were passing that, you were holding out for a public option.
I was.
And they could have passed that public option.
They said, well, we can't get it past 60 votes, but then they ended up passing Obamacare on 50 votes.
So they could have inserted the public option into that bill.
Barack Obama chose not to.
Now, can you tell us why you think that happened and why did he come to your district to campaign against you instead of going to Ben Nelson state and campaigning against him?
Well, let me say that I had five meetings with the president on the health care bill.
He was on the Air Force One with President Obama to discuss my position, which was to basically hold out for a public option.
In the discussion that I had with him, it was very clear to me that he wouldn't be moved.
There was nothing he would do to secure my vote by extending and putting a public option in the bill.
He just wouldn't do it.
So I had to make a decision.
Did I want to see the entire bill go down when I had some of my constituents who are concerned about pre-existing conditions and putting their kids on?
Or was I going to be a purist and just say, it's not the way I want it.
And so I'm going to just kill the bill because I was really in a pivotal position here.
I was the last person of a 75-member congressional group who said that they would not vote for the bill unless they had a public option.
So in the end, the president didn't want to do that.
And so I had to make a decision based on what I thought was best for the country at that time, even though I'm for single payer, even though I didn't like the bill.
It wasn't what I wanted.
And even though it didn't have a public option, I did it as a measure of responding to the constituents who were asking me to vote for it.
But let me tell you, it still left the insurance companies in charge of health care.
And it was an intermediate step.
If we can prove, think about this, Jimmy, if we prove that we could do that kind of reform, we could take it that far, then we should be able to go the next mile to a single payer plan.
We showed reform was possible.
And one of the concerns I had is if my vote helped to send this down, then we wouldn't be able to show that any kind of reform is possible.
So, you know, it's one of those moments where you have to, you know, look at the reality of things and say, well, can I get everything?
Can I get what I want?
No.
But can my constituents get some benefit?
Yes.
So I voted for the interests of my constituents, even though not exactly what I wanted.
And so, and what is your feeling about why Barack Obama didn't, why could you not move him?
Why was he against giving people something he promised them that he would?
He promised he wouldn't sign a bill without a public option, and then he could have easily gotten it, and he didn't.
So that's my question.
Well, in the time that I spent with him, you know, we talked about a lot of things.
Healthcare was one that was the thing that was most significant on the table.
But what I saw is that on this particular issue, he just wasn't flexible at all.
He wasn't in any mood to negotiate.
He basically said, this is the way I'm going to do it, and I'm not going to make any changes.
I don't know.
I don't know why, Jimmy.
I don't know why, but I have to tell you that I saw what I thought was a certain amount of inflexibility that could have endangered his whole health care proposal.
You're not taking any corporate PAC money.
You don't take corporate money?
No.
I have to, I'm not keeping a daily count on the money that's coming in, but my campaign has been instructed not to take any corporate tax.
If any have showed up, we'll just send them back.
But I don't go out seeking them.
My role as governor of Ohio, should I be elected, is to transform the politics of the state so that it's not run by political insiders.
It's not run by party officials.
It's not run by lobbyists or lawyers who represent them.
The motto of our campaign is hashtag power to weed the people.
And that reflects a sensibility that says that it's time really to live this promise of government of the people and to really put the power in the hands of the people for their health, not-for-profit health care, for the environment, stop fracking and the injection of toxic waste in Ohio, for education, eliminate the for-profit charters, which are taking a billion dollars a year out of the education budget and on and on.
And to challenge the NRA frontally by moving for an assault weapons ban in Ohio and to challenge the prison industrial conflict.
Look, these private for-profit prisons that are going on, I intend to shut them down.
It's a disgrace that in a Democratic society you can have prisons run by private interests.
And we need broad criminal justice reform in Ohio.
The people have been put in jail for minor drug offenses for marijuana.
I'm going to use the power of pardon and communication to change that.
And I'm going to end the death penalty in Ohio.
So when you look at those kinds of changes, it will have a ripple effect across the country when they see someone who is a Democrat running as a Democrat moving forward for transformative change.
And I'm confident that we can do that.
So you're going up against the people who want to privatize education, right?
Big money in that, charter schools, big money in that, even though the research shows that charter schools don't perform enter better or worse than the schools in their districts are comparable, so they're not better at all.
You're right.
And so you're all going up against the healthcare industry, the big pharma industry, the military-industrial complex, private prisons, and the NRA.
So you are going to make a lot of powerful enemies you already have, right?
So that's what that's about.
So you're going to have a lot of big enemies coming at you.
And is that smart to take on that many enemies at one time?
I mean, we need someone like you fighting for sure.
You know what?
I'm talking to you from my home in Cleveland, Ohio, which I have had since 1971.
I bought it for $22,500.
This is a neighborhood that I live in.
It's working men and women of all colors.
And that's my obligation.
I don't think in terms of enemies.
I don't look at the world that way.
I also live without fear.
The French word for, rather, the word courage, the root word is a French word core, and it's heart.
So my strength comes from the heart.
My courage comes from the heart.
I'm really not afraid of anyone.
And people need someone who has that kind of life experience where you realize that if you're willing to take a stand and speak the truth, you need not fear anyone.
And so, you know, on a spiritual basis, one must have confidence in one's purpose and not and just accept things and move on.
But as far as fear, let me tell you something, Jimmy.
I'm not a guy that those interests can't intimidate.
That's great to hear.
Can you tell us how you can, at the state level, because right now I'm living in California and we have a supermajority Democrat in our legislature, plus we have Jerry Brown as our governor.
So Democrats are totally in control.
We have the sixth largest economy in the world, yet they still can't find a way to bring single payer to California.
Now, how would you be able to do that in Ohio?
Would you be able to do that and how?
Oh, yeah, but am I saying I'm going to do it alone?
Absolutely not.
I'll go to the people.
Because what I've seen across the state is a willingness to go towards a not-for-profit healthcare system.
These insurance companies are really running medicine, they're running healthcare, and they're running people into the ground financially.
So what I will do, here's how I intend to do it, is to go district by district and hold meetings with thousands of people and rally the people to their own cause, to the cause of their financial existence, to the cause of their health, to the health of the state, to the stability of our businesses.
I mean, these are all things that I feel that the state is ready for.
And so I'm ready to do that, Jimmy.
When I wrote the bill, H.R. 676, Medicare for All in Congress, I campaigned around the country on it.
I brought it in places where they were upscale, others not so.
And people were ready to accept it.
It's just somebody needs to lead the way, and I'm prepared to do that.
So are you also offering a jobs program for Ohio?
Or what is exactly your plan?
Well, here's the way it'll work.
Ohio has literally billions of dollars in infrastructure needs that have not been met for a decade or two.
And our capacity to finance those at this point is limited.
Here's why.
You can finance up to 5% of the biennial budget, which at this point is between $3.5 and $4 billion.
But some of that's already committed.
And as the bonds are retired, you can issue new ones, but we'll never be able to meet the needs of rebuilding our roads, registers, water systems, sewer systems.
Here's what I intend to do.
I'll go to the people and ask for approval to lift the cap on the limitation on how much can be issued for public purposes, how much financing, and ask the people to approve an issue that would probably be in the nature of $20, $30 billion.
And we'll create the kind of jobs.
Every billion you spend for infrastructure creates about 13,000 jobs.
So my hope would be to create over 100,000 jobs and to put Ohio back to work, rebuilding Ohio.
What happens when you do that?
It's an investment.
It's an investment.
You get more businesses.
You have people working.
They're paying taxes.
It primes the pump of the economy.
I want to get Ohio's economy moving.
And we can also work in alternative energy programs into that.
There's so many things that can be done, but we have to take the leadership and show the direction that we can go instead of this incremental approach where it's just a very limited approach to government.
People want to be a functionary when a governor needs to be a visionary.
And I'm ready to take this new vision of what a state can do.
I think it was the prophet Isaiah was said to have written that without vision, people perish.
And I think that's true.
I think that's probably truer today in our society than ever.
And people need to have leaders who are willing to chart a new course and show a society what's possible.
And that's what this campaign is about.
But that's what I've tried to be about my entire career.
So I think one way people are talking right now, one way to fund infrastructure programs at a reduced rate would be state banks.
Have you looked into that?
I've looked into it.
I'm open to that discussion.
I'm not running at that currently.
What I have done, by the way, is we had, I wrote a bill in Congress, H.R. 2990, I believe, was the number.
And here's what it was about.
It was about it came from the American Monetary Institute.
And it has to do with taking away the power of the Fed, which really is an institution that was established by private banks for private banks in 1913 through the Federal Reserve Act.
Take the money power, which is by constitutional right under Article 1, Section 8 belongs to the people through Congress and create an institution within the Treasury that can issue funds, spend them in the circulation to meet the infrastructure needs of the country, meet healthcare for America, to meet the concerns about people and the retirement security.
You know, this bill is really the path towards transforming the entire country, of lifting us out of poverty, of making every person self-sufficient, of giving people the ability to create a great life, of educating all of our children, of rebuilding our country and our neighborhoods.
And there's an unlimited potential in this country.
And the bill that I wrote, which really set the stage for the job creation, is something that anybody can look up on the internet.
But I haven't given sufficient time to consider how I could implement something like that in Ohio because Ohio as a state doesn't have control over the money power the way the Constitution essentially enables Congress to do that.
So that's why I wrote that bill so that Congress would be able to take that power back and meet the needs of the country.
You know, there wouldn't be any poverty.
There doesn't, in America, there does not need to be poverty.
You could enable people to be able to have an income.
I want every able-bodied person to be able to work as it should be.
But for people who can't, why should they dwell in poverty?
We need to show people the wealth-building capacity we all have.
And I think that's what I want to do.
Now, with respect to Ohio and the bank, look, I look at everything.
I'm not hobbled by connections to any interest group that would stop me from being able to take the state in a direction of economic justice, of social justice, of really enabling people to find that government can be a vehicle for uplifting people's lives.
And I certainly want to do that.
Well, you've been very generous with your time.
Thanks for spending time.
But I have one final question.
You know, a lot of progressives are very downtrodden, and they don't feel that they have a party that represents them.
And what's your message to the young progressives who've experienced what they've experienced ever since Bernie Sanders started his campaign?
Well, it seems that the party structure is omnipotent, but they're not.
They're fearful and they're ready to be flipped over.
Think of Shelley's poem, Prometheus Unbound, the last part of it, where he writes about defying power, which seems omnipotent.
And he says that this is to be joyous and free.
This is a moment when we must call upon our humanity, our heart, our spirit, our capacity to change things, get involved, and make it happen.
And don't be afraid of challenging these structures because, you know, Jefferson said that institutions have to evolve with the mind of man and women.
And to make that happen, it takes our own initiative.
So to all those young people out there, if you live in Ohio, join us.
Go to kucinich.com, help us get that vote out in the next two weeks.
But I also tell you this, that there is no institution which is impervious to change.
And so we need to summon our great strength that we have, a spiritual strength, the strength of the heart, and go for it.
Dennis Kucinich running for governor in Ohio.
Thank you so much for being our guest.
We wish you the best of luck in bringing progressive politics to Ohio.
Jimmy, I really appreciate a chance to be on here.
And again, anyone watching wants to help out, contribute or whatever, go to kucinich.com.
And I hope that I'll be able to join you afterwards as the Democratic nominee in Ohio.
I'm sure working on it.
Thank you, Jeremy.
That was great.
Thank you very much for doing this.
I appreciate it.
You know what?
You're the best.
I still appreciate it.
Oh, God, that's Chris Christie.
I hope he didn't buttdial me again.
Hello.
Whoa, I think I just bought out a Nancy boy.
Question for you.
You a Nancy boy, Jimmy Door?
Because I think you're a Nancy Boy.
Don't answer that question.
It's one of them rhetoricals.
Get it, Nancy Boy.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
We want to thank our special guest this week, Dennis Kucinich, who's going to be the next governor of Ohio.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Steph Semerano, and Mark Van Landuit.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out!
I'm not kidding.
Don't freak out!
Don't freak out.
Do not do nothing.
Do not not break.
Do not freak.
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