All Episodes
Previous Next
April 13, 2018 - Jimmy Dore Show
59:21
20180413_0412_TJDS_PODCAST
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
What a nice surprise.
John Boehner's on the line.
He used to be Republican Speaker of the House, you know.
Hello?
Answer the Boehner phone, goddammit.
Stupid jackass.
What's the holdup?
I'm already here already.
Boehner here.
Only now you may address me by my new title, Speaker of the Board of Directors at Acreage Holdings Incorporated.
Acred Holdings, what's that?
Let me answer that question with another question.
If you'd asked five years ago what the quickest way to Jupiter was, what do you think my answer might have been?
I don't know.
Increasing NASA funding?
Hell no.
I would have said, fuck Jupiter.
We're going to Pluto, motherfuckers.
So it's a space company?
Yeah.
As in, wow, dude, bro.
I'm in a good space.
But what do you know about space exploration?
All right, you dip shit.
It's a weed company.
How many hits do you need anyway?
A drum circle reference.
That's right.
I'm going to be selling weed.
Spliff, ganja, blast, mommy's night visitor, snake farts, puff the magic dragon, whatever you little shits are calling it nowadays.
I'm going to be rich.
Don't you know we're riding on the Boehner Kush Express?
They're taking me to Boehner Kush, the Bayner Kush Express, all aboard the Kush.
Yeah, Boehner Kush, baby, I'm back.
Oh, by the way, I've also changed my position on turmeric.
Turmeric?
The spice?
Sure, Brick.
Yeah, bring it on.
Sprinkle it on my salad, shake it on my pudding, gently apply it to my dingled angle.
I'm all for it.
But weren't half a million Americans arrested for selling pot during your term as speaker?
Boehner used to think legalizing pot would result in the increased abuse of other drugs like alcohol.
Boehner has a different perspective now.
What changed your mind?
I realized it's a physical impossibility to abuse alcohol.
Ha ha!
That's a very controversial claim to make.
Let me explain.
First of all, there's never enough of it around.
Second, it's simply too delicious.
And third, I really need it badly.
Okay, that makes sense.
And I can make a lot of money off it.
But your partner, Bill Weld, is a former prosecutor.
He used to argue pot was a gateway drug.
He still does.
And by that, he means gateway to craploads of cash, my friend.
Boehner's going to be rich.
But you're already rich.
Yeah, money's just like booze.
You can never have enough.
I'm about to drop my new concentrated pot extract called Boehner oil.
Now, under most conditions, most people would recoil at the thought of a substance called Boehner oil, right?
But this Boehner oil is a miracle cure for all sorts of things.
Really?
Like what?
My boring retirement.
Don't bow guard my Boehner.
All right.
They're taking me to Boehner Kush Express.
All aboard the Kush.
I've been waiting all my retirement to take me there.
I can smell the ganja in my head.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to your T-Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore show.
June 30th is our next live Jimmy Dore show in Portland, Oregon, Portland, Oregon, June 30th.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for tickets.
See you June 30th in Portland, Oregon at the Alberta Rose Theater.
Hey, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Paul Ryan announced his retirement as the Speaker of the House.
Poof.
I mean, I totally buy his explanation, too.
He said he wanted to spend more time with his family.
I mean, what parent doesn't wait until their children are teenagers to decide it's time to spend more time with them?
You know, the media is horrible.
That's why we have this show.
That's why our show is popular because the media has let down people time and time again, especially when it comes to war.
And well, just how bad is the media, you ask?
Well, this week, I ordered the sentence, wow, Tucker Carlson is the voice of reason on this one.
Speaking of Syria, people are calling anyone that questions the official story an Assad apologist.
I guess you could call me an anti-war apologist, but I'm so far from apologizing for it that I don't even think that would be accurate.
Hey, you know, this week Trump signed off on a spending bill that didn't include funding for the wall.
Sure, a crazy guy who never had to worry about money a day in his life wouldn't actually read a spending bill.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to talk about Paul Ryan's retirement.
The truth about the gas attack in Syria, the answer just may surprise you.
Or will it?
Plus, we got phone calls today from John Boehner, Bernie Sanders, Ricky Bobby Perry, and Herman Kane.
That's today, plus a lot, lot more on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, you know that the rising star in the Democratic Party, Joe Kennedy, is still not on board with legalizing weed.
Chelsea Clinton also thinks it needs to be studied more.
Guess what?
John Boehner says my thinking on cannabis has evolved.
John Boehner, the Speaker of the House from 2011 to 2015, reversed a long-held stance against marijuana legalization on Wednesday, saying on Twitter that my thinking on cannabis has evolved.
I'm joining the board of Acreage Holdings because my thinking on cannabis has evolved.
I'm convinced descheduling the drug is needed so we can do research, help our veterans, and reverse the opioid epidemic ravaging our communities.
Wow.
So he's joining the board of Acreage Holdings.
Acreage Holdings.
I wonder how many acreages they hold of weed.
Mr. Boehner, so now just imagine this.
John Boehner and the Republicans are now outlefting Barack Obama, Joe Kennedy, and the Democrats on marijuana.
The Republicans, John frickin' Boehner, is outlefting the Democrats on marijuana.
Mr. Boehner, Republican leader of 2011, told a constituent he was unadulterably opposed to legalization.
Join the board of advisors of Acreids Holdings, a cannabis corporation that operates in 11 states.
While the announcement might be viewed as a sign that cannabis is becoming a big business that can afford to ally with prominent names from the world of politics, Mr. Boehner cast it as a genuine change of heart.
They gave me this one strand, and I got to tell you.
How?
Brought me to tears, I swear.
Dudes, I had some.
I had some of that stinky wiki.
It's like, why are we mad at this stuff?
This stuff is great.
It's changed my heart.
Wow.
What is that?
An OG Kush?
My heart is changing.
That is some powerful weed.
It grew three sizes that day.
In a statement, he and William F. Weld, the former Massachusetts governor, who also joined the Acreage Holdings Board, said the time has come for serious consideration of a shift in federal marijuana policy.
You think?
Two Republicans advocating for a shift in marijuana policy.
We're the Democrats on this.
Not leading.
Not leading.
I'm convinced descheduling the drug is needed.
Barack Obama wouldn't do that.
Remember, Barack Obama wouldn't do that.
Remember, he wouldn't do that?
Did he?
Remember, he wouldn't do that?
Am I wrong on this?
They want, well, obviously, it's not descheduled because he is advocating for it.
I'm convinced to schedule it because it's a Schedule I drug, like heroin.
Like heroin.
It's scheduled the same way, which makes no logical sense at all.
But, you know, Reefer Madness was a hell of a movie.
So we just checked extensively.
As far as we can tell, Barack Obama did not deschedule marijuana, which is why he's calling for a descheduling.
So it's still Schedule 1.
Everything we've looked up, as far as we can tell, Barack Obama, not a friend, descheduling marijuana.
Okay, there you go.
The Democrats getting outlefted by Republicans on marijuana.
Again, I had no idea how bad the Democrats could be.
If the Republican Party decided to make this part of their plank, legalizing marijuana everywhere, they would, again, maintain their position.
They would wipe out the Democrats completely if they're not already completely wiped out.
That's what would happen.
The Republicans are more progressive on marijuana than the Democrats.
It's unbelievable.
Okay.
Well, maybe Joe Biden needs to come out for it.
Maybe Joe Biden will come up with it.
You know, because, you know, he was good about marriages for gays, and then Obama followed.
So maybe Biden has to lead on this.
Chelsea Clinton thinks we need more study.
We still need more study, Chad.
She ought to know.
She went to school and everything, and she's super smart.
So she should know.
She's written books.
Joe Biden will be the guy.
He'll just be like, you know, the millennials are still lazy, but it's because they're smoking this great stuff.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
Hey, that's Liam Neeson on the phone.
I hope he doesn't want to tell me about his latest project.
Hello, Jimmy.
This is Liam Neeson, and I'd like to tell you about my latest project.
Hi, Liam.
Do you mind if we talk about something else?
Oh, no problem.
Who I know.
Let's talk about how much money I have.
I am now one of the wealthiest human beings in all of Ireland.
Did you know that?
No, I did not.
Jimmy, I didn't expect you to answer that.
It was a rhetorical question.
Oh, well, I didn't know that anyway.
Well, never mind that.
Ask me, Liam Neeson, any question.
Go ahead.
I really don't have anything to ask you about any of your projects.
Excellent question, Jimmy.
Let me unpack the story for you.
I am the narrator of CNN's Pope.
It's about the first Pope.
According to Catholicism, the disciple, Simon Peter, was known as the first Pope.
Did you know that?
Do you want me to answer that?
Of course.
No, I did not.
Of course I didn't want you to answer that.
I was kidding, for God's sake.
You couldn't tell I was kidding.
No, it's really hard to tell when you're kidding.
A man walks into a bar and bets the bartender.
He can fart the national anthem.
Liam, you don't have to tell me an old bar joke to prove you have a sense of humor.
Who's kidding?
That really happened.
That guy ruined my bar.
And he headlined this Des Moines improv for three months straight.
I didn't know you ran a bar.
There's a reason I'm known as the richest man in Ireland.
I take any job that comes my way, sight and scene.
I don't even look at a film script until I get to the studio.
I literally cold read the fuck out of that shit.
Well, I guess that's how you define a great actor.
You can tackle any role with little or no preparation.
There's really no reason to suck up to me, Jimmy.
I can't do anything for your career.
Would you like to hear a clip from CNN's Pope?
No.
And the Pope waited for a sign from God until one day Christ appeared to Peter and said, Hello, is this the Pope?
Yes, this is the Pope, the Pope answered.
And Jesus Christ said, I need you to listen to me very closely.
You don't have much time.
I need you to gather all the animals in pairs.
All the animals.
Pope Peter asked.
Yes, said Jesus.
Green alligators and long-necked geese and some humpty-dumpy-backed camels and chimpanzees.
Aren't you mixing up no with Jesus?
I'm not following you.
So then Pope Peter told Jesus, I don't know what you want.
But if you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it.
I will not look for you.
But if you don't, I will look for you, and I will find you, and I will kill you.
Wow, and what happened next?
Jesus said, cut, that's a wrap.
And then some years passed, and he let the Holocaust happen.
The end.
Thank you for this time we had together, Sam.
I look forward to my new action feature.
Hard powder pope.
A snowplow driver who is also the Pope is bent on revenge after Jesus is eaten by a vicious pack of rogue wolves.
Hard powder pope.
Look for it.
Look for it.
So guess what?
There's another gas attack in Syria.
And let's remind you what happened the last time there was a gas attack in Syria.
The news media was very skeptical, very critical, and they lamented the loss of life that comes from any military confrontation.
Here's Brian.
Go into greater detail.
We see these beautiful pictures at night from the decks of these two U.S. Navy vessels in the eastern Mediterranean.
I am tempted to quote the great Leonard Cohen.
I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons.
And then so that's how the that's how Brian Williams at MSNBC handled a missile attack.
They're beautiful.
Here's what Saqari Fareed Sakhari said about Trump bombing Syria.
Day 78 of the Trump presidency.
What changed last night?
I think Donald Trump became president of the United States.
I think this is what it takes to become president.
Need to bomb somebody over a gas attack in someone else's country, a country That has nothing to do with us.
Why we're there, I have no idea.
I do have an idea.
I know exactly why we're there.
But guess what?
So, remember that?
He became president, and Brian Williams nutted in his pants.
And then it turns out General Mattis admits there was no evidence Assad used poison gas on his people.
Lost in the hyper-politicized halabaloo surrounding the Nuna's memorandum and the steel dossier was the striking statement by Secretary of Defense James Mattis that the U.S. has, quote, no evidence that the Syrian government used the banned nerve agent, Sirin, against its own people.
So that gets swept under the rug.
That's the last one.
The first one happened in 2013.
That also was debunked and proved to be a false flag operation.
So what a false flag operation is, is that the rebels, ISIS and al-Qaeda, who are being funded by Saudi Arabia to overthrow Assad so they can put a pipeline through Syria, ISIS and al-Qaeda, which are being funded by Saudi Arabia and the United States, are losing.
And what they do to draw the United States in to a confrontation is to do these false flag gas attacks, seeing, look, Assad's gassing his own people.
The United States has to save us.
Meanwhile, we're committing a genocide in Yemen right now with Saudi Arabia.
So we don't care about people or anybody getting killed.
So that's, again, that's how you know this is propaganda.
We don't care about people being killed.
We're killing them right now.
We're doing siege warfare in Yemen, which is a war crime.
Now, the new one, here's the latest.
Dozen killed and suspected chemical attack on Syria rebel enclave.
So, and they always have the pictures of the kids, right?
And then, but we never have pictures of the kids we're bombing in Syria or the kids that were bombed.
By the way, Saudi Arabia did an airstrike today, killed 14 people, kids included, in Syria.
Where are those pictures?
Where are the pictures of the dead kids we're killing in Yemen with our siege warfare?
Where are the pictures of the slave trade that's happening in open markets in Libya because we turned that into a failed state?
This is exactly what we keep doing.
We did it in Afghanistan.
We did it in Iraq.
We did it in Libya.
We're doing it in Syria.
And then Trump promised Assad will pay a price, but it may make little difference.
This is from the independent today.
And what does Russia say back?
Russia warns U.S. of grave repercussions if it attacks Syria.
So is anyone afraid yet about World War III over nothing?
It's not nothing.
It's over the same thing.
It's always been over.
Oil, fossil fuels, money, and power.
That's what it's over.
It's not about helping people.
It's not about saving babies from gas attacks.
It's not about any of that stuff.
It's not about democracy or freedom.
This is, again, another fossil fuel grab.
This is all propaganda.
The Independent says it remains mysterious why Assad should provoke the United States and Europeans just as his moment of victory in Damascus and when the rebels are on the point of surrender or have already done so.
Yeah, it's really a head scratcher.
It's weird that Russia would poison a guy in such an obvious way that could be traced right back to the Kremlin in the UK.
It's weird that they would do that right before the Russian elections and before the soccer.
It'd be weird that they would do it in such a clumsy way.
Also weird that Assad would do this.
He's winning and they just about all express.
And then he would go and do this.
That's just so funny.
He's such a dummy.
He's such a dummy.
But we caught him, right?
And here it is.
Trump vows quick action.
Why quick action?
Why not wait for an investigation to be conclusive?
Why not?
Because this isn't about anything except propaganda and starting more war.
And I'm already the best journalist in the country right now because turn on MSNBC and CNN and see if they're telling you what's really happening in Syria and that this is a false flag attack.
Again, they won't even mention the last one was.
Do you think they're going to mention that frickin' Mattis said there was no evidence of the last one?
And then the one before that was debunked too.
That that stuff came through Turkey.
So here we are.
Here we are again.
It remains mysterious.
You mean counterintuitive and stupid and transparently propagandistic?
That's what you mean?
Trump vows quick attack.
Why a quick attack?
Because you got to do it before the evidence comes out.
The same reason why Bush wanted to order all the weapons inspectors out of Iraq before the truth came out.
This is what warmongers do.
And it looks like the intelligence community has Trump by the balls now and he's doing whatever they want.
It looks like it.
And now they got Bolton in there and Bolton's going to do whatever the intelligence community wants.
He's a bigger warmonger than the warmongers.
The suspected chemical weapons attack late on Saturday killed at least 60 people with more than 1,000 injured in several sites in Douma, a city near the capital, Damascus, according to Syrian organizations.
Two days later, the White House was still only able to say that the attack fit the pattern of Syrian President Basar-O-Sad's chemical weapons use.
We just showed you that Mattis admitted the last one wasn't, there was no evidence, and the one before that was debunked.
So what pattern is that?
You mean that pattern of false flags by ISIS who were funding?
You mean that pattern?
It actually fits a pattern of false flags.
That's what it fits a pattern of.
That's how we got into Vietnam.
Vietnam was a complete false flag.
That's how we got into Kuwait Iraq war the first time, the first Gulf War.
Do you remember what happened during the first Gulf War?
Do you remember the propaganda they spewed then?
Iraq attacks Kuwait, claiming the Kuwaitis are slant drilling into Iraq's oil fields.
U.S. President George Herbert Walker Bush pushes for a land war against Iraq.
But polls show the U.S. public is split 50-50 on that idea.
Then comes this eyewitness testimony before a congressional committee from a 15-year-old Kuwaiti girl.
The claim is she cannot be identified for fear of reprisals.
Well, I was there.
I saw the Iraqi soldiers coming to the hospital with guns.
They took the babies out of the incubators.
Took the incubators and left the children to die on the cold mark.
The U.S. public is outraged.
The result?
Support for land war zooms.
It's a turning point.
Desert Storm is launched.
135,000 Iraqis are killed.
An estimated 1 million Iraqis, many of them children and old people, then die as a result of 10 years of sanctions.
One small problem.
There never were any incubator baby deaths.
Not one.
The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation's investigative flagship program, The Fifth Estate, reveals the girl to be the Kuwaiti ambassador's daughter, given her lines and coached in acting by the giant American PR firm Hill and Knowlton.
It's one phase in a $10 million joint U.S.-Kuwaiti campaign of deception.
This man is lying.
I myself married 40 newborn babies that had been taken from their incubators.
This man is lying, and they had kids in incubators, and they were thrown out in the incubators so that Kuwait could be systematically dismantled.
There were a lot of people who participated in a conspiracy.
Yes, an out-and-out conspiracy of fake organizations, false documents, fraud, and disinformation.
So, if a new man named Bush is in the White House and helps engineer a brazen deception in order to achieve global geopolitical goals, as well as domestic and personal ones, it wouldn't be a first, would it?
Does anybody in the media ever mention any of this?
Answer no.
Does MSNBC bring Phil Donahue on, who got the BS about the Iraq war right the first time?
The first, the second Iraq war, do they bring Phil Donahue on?
No.
In fact, they fired Phil Donahue because he was right.
And MSNBC is owned by a defense contractor that makes bazillions of dollars off of war.
That's what's going on.
Hey, here's some more from Reuters.
Initial U.S. assessments have so far been unable to determine conclusively what materials were used in the attack and cannot say with 100% certainty that Assad's government forces were behind it.
Yet Trump has to decide within 48 hours.
He's going to recite, and 40 guys are going to attack right away.
Why?
Because it's not true.
That's why.
Just like I pointed out in our last video about this, why would you smear Jeremy Corbyn when Jeremy Corbyn says, let's wait for evidence in this Scraval poisoning?
Is that how you say it?
Let's wait for the evidence to come out.
And if it's really the Russians behind it, we'll deal with it then.
But let's not jump to conclusions without evidence because that's irresponsible.
And then they smeared him for that.
Well, if they had the evidence, why wouldn't they just show it to him?
Why would they smear him?
Because they don't have it.
That's why.
That's why.
So here's Andrea Mitchell.
These are people, Andrew Mitchell, who's lived through the Vietnam fake war, lived through the first Gulf War, fake war, lived through the Second Iraq War, fake war, Libya, fake war.
And now here she is, and here's what she has to say.
Question that now, all these years later, is Donald Trump's Donald Trump's challenge.
He has to take action.
He's spoken to Macron.
What he ought to do is a court.
He has to take action.
She's lived through how many bullshit wars.
And here she is on TV.
She's given a platform and she advocates he has to have more war.
And here's from Medium, new Syrian chemical.
This is from Kaitlyn Johnson, who's excellent on this topic.
She says, new Syrian chemical weapon attacks being reported by all the usual suspects.
So she goes, so to be clear, we're being asked by these people to believe that Bashar al-Assad launched a mass casualty chemical attack, the thing which would provoke the wrath of the U.S. war machine, just as Trump was seeking a withdrawal from Syria and just as Assad was approaching victory in Douma.
This is what we're supposed to believe.
And this is what they do believe at MSNBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, New York Times, Washington Post.
This is what they do believe.
They don't believe this.
This is what they push.
Yeah, this is what they say.
Because you'll get fired.
It'll be bad for your career if you do what I'm doing.
But guess what?
I don't want to be in their goddamn club.
So that's why I get to tell you the truth.
We are being asked to ignore the fact that the area is crawling with actual literal terrorists, ISIS and Al-Qaeda, El Nusra.
To ignore the Western Empire's extensive history of using lies, propaganda, and false flags to manufacture support for military aggression is to ignore the extremely suspicious Western funding and terrorist ties of the White Helmets who are circulating these photos and information and to ignore the fact that Syria has been a target of imperialist regime change for many, many years.
We are being asked to ignore all that and believe instead that Assad spontaneously began acting against his own self-interest so that he could kill children for no discernible reason.
No, this is again, this is the worst thing.
If the worst thing you could do as Assad is to do this right now, why would he do this?
There's no discernible reason.
It says so much about the power of Western media psyops that this has a strong chance of being believed.
It is being believed.
Well, here's why I love this.
This is Assad.
Well, you see, I was winning the war against ISIS and El Nusra, but then I decided to order an illogical chemical attack to turn the whole world against me because everything was just going too well for me.
And here's one more great one.
There's a great meme.
This is from the Art of War.
It says, when your enemy is nearly defeated and final victory is at hand, gas your own people so the nations greater than yours will intervene and destroy you.
I thought that was from the Prince, but I guess Art of War.
All right.
Yeah, I thought.
There it is, Art of War.
That's what it tells you.
When you're just about to win, do something that makes sure you get destroyed by a stronger country.
It's funny because it's so obvious, but it's sad because people who should be telling you the truth and know better aren't.
You don't think Chris Hayes has the access to the information I have?
You don't think Lawrence O'Donnell has access to the information I have?
You don't think Lawrence O'Donnell has Phil Donahue's number?
Of course he does.
But these are corporate tools, and that's why we have a show because they'll not never going to tell you the truth about war.
Ever.
Chris Hayes spent three minutes telling the truth about Palestine and Israel last week, and everyone almost shit themselves.
People were tweeting it out and talking about what a great three minutes he spent telling the truth about Israel and Palestine.
And that was groundbreaking at MSNBC.
Someone told the truth about Israel.
That's what a big deal.
That's how infrequently it happens that it went noticed by everybody that Chris Hayes told the truth about Israel and Palestine.
That was unbelievable.
Well, they're not telling you the truth about this.
They don't have the balls.
And, you know, and the people at CNN, they're picked because they're dumb.
Go watch broadcast news, they're William Hurt.
They're chosen because they're incurious, dumb repeaters of information the government gives them.
That's why they're hired.
Anyway, I don't want to pick on Don Liman.
I think Anderson Cooper is the best guy to sniff this.
A member of the Vanderbilt family.
So now you know the rest of the story.
And there's way more to this.
I mean, more BS.
But here we are again.
I mean, this couldn't be more transparent how bad this poisoning in the UK was of the double agent, how transparently obvious it was, propaganda, and this too.
Well, you know what's particularly ridiculous this time around?
They're not even trying to like make light of the fact or hide the fact that there hasn't even been an investigation.
They're making, has there been an investigation yet?
No, well, 24 to 48 hours.
Like that should be on the front page everywhere.
World's strongest empire going to react without an investigation at all.
At all.
Sounds like the right thing to do, Ron.
Sounds like the right thing to do.
They're lives at stake here.
You know, I want to point out, Jimmy, that you have there, you know, you're saying it's from the art of war.
I just want to remind everybody, we're not in war.
The last time war was declared was by Roosevelt.
That was the last time that war was declared.
The rest of these have been Korea, Vietnam, Persian Gulf, Afghanistan, Iraq.
Technically, those aren't wars, everybody.
Those are conflicts.
And you could call them extended military engagements.
So that's one way that they're really making sure that the Americans don't come together and protest against these wars.
They're just not calling them wars.
They're making it, hey, we need to go spread some democracy.
Good, healthy democracy.
Well, it reminds me of one of my favorite Bill Hicks bits where he goes, you know, a war is when two armies are fighting.
That's really the crux of this show is calling out how bad the media is, how bad the Democrats have let you down and caused all of our problems.
And C, how you never get the truth about war.
It's unbelievable.
You wonder how Vietnam happened?
You wonder how that we look at the first Gulf War.
We knew that.
That guy should be in prison, George Herbert Walker Bush, for lying us into that war.
So should his son.
But the bad guy is Assad, who never attacked us.
Ever.
Assad has never attacked us.
Ever.
But we dropped so many bombs in Syria.
We went out of bombs in 2015.
Please let me know if you find another news show reporting this correctly.
If you find another news show on establishment media, I'm talking Fox, NBC, I'm talking CNN, I'm talking MSNBC, any of those.
Bloomberg, CNBC.
If you see anybody who's reporting this correctly, please let me know.
Please put a link or send an email to what's our email?
Jimmy at jimmydorecomedy.com.
That's my email.
That's so easy.
That is pretty easy.
I have to get that on my business card.
I have to get that on my email so that I can email people back.
Because right now, when I get there, the email goes to Ron and then it comes to me.
Who gives a shit?
Okay, so.
Boy, I was away last weekend for National Burrito Celebration Day.
Gee, I wonder if Rick Perry let any messages on my antiquated answering machine.
Innovate, don't regulate.
Innovate, don't regulate.
You can do it, Richard.
Innovate, don't regulate.
Okay, time to show that jerk, Jimmy Dore.
Innovate, don't regulate.
Hey, you asshole.
Listen to this.
Ornovate, don't regarlate.
Darn it.
Innovate, don't regulate.
Innovate, don't regulate.
Darn.
Hello, Jimmy Dore.
Animate, don't register.
Oh, gosh, darn it to heck.
Alexa, erase message.
Message machine, are you erasing?
Siri, erase the message machine of Jimmy Dore.
And what's the fastest route to the nearest Dairy Queen?
No toll roads.
Okey-dokey.
Hello, phone machine thing.
My name is Anarchy Secretary Rick Perry.
So officially, my name is just Rick Perry and Archie Sucker Secretary.
Hold on a second.
My name is just Rick Perry.
Where's my birth certificate cake?
Did I just say cake?
Siri, tell Alexa to erase my last message, please.
Thank you.
Wow, I love modern technology.
Greetings, Tom of MySpace.
You are probably wondering how I've been able to survive so long in Donald Trump's administration when so many others have been forced out.
The answer is quite geometry, my dear Watson.
No one knows where my office is.
I don't even know where my office is.
Who am I?
Why are any of us here?
What is air made out of?
Are there colors in space?
Is consciousness real?
Where are my keys?
Hey, shut up.
Hey, Tom.
I can no longer access my band pics.
I need to pixelate our drummer's face because he never shows up for practice and he's tote the big a-hole.
In case you were wondering, I'm not in charge of President Trump's porn actress slush fund.
I'm instead in charge of the energy department of and doing a real good and conspicuous job, if I might be so bold as to say thank you.
Oh, boy, that sounded real stupid.
Alexa Unsand.
And what's the quickest way to the Museum of Lactose Intolerance?
No tow roads, please.
I ate it in Atlanta last week.
How does it compare to Whataburger?
My answer might surprise you, or will it?
Let's watch.
But first, here's an important message about restless leg syndrome.
Stay tuned.
Or will it?
Hey, Tom of MySpace, please delete previous message.
I don't want Texanians to know I ate it at a California burger restaurant.
Even though I bought two of them along with two French fries.
Alexa, am I going to get cancer from all the golden brown French fries and coffee I consume?
I'll take my answer off the air.
Thank you.
No tow roads.
No to sale.
I have a plan to stop Russia's grid attacks on our American grids.
How might you ask?
Is my plan?
Simple.
Innovate.
Don't regulate.
Oh, my God.
I said it right.
Man fear, I can walk!
Hey, hope you're enjoying today's show.
Remember, we have a new thing, a new way for you to help support us.
Well, you can become a premium member.
You already know about that, and I'll tell you about it at the end of the show.
But we started a Patreon, right?
So because a lot of people feel more comfortable using Patreon than using PayPal or Amazon.
So that's another way you can help support the show.
We have a Patreon link.
Just go to patreon.com/slash jimmydoor, patreon.com/slash jimmydore.
Go there.
You can become a patron of the Jimmy Door show.
And you know it matters more now than ever because our show has really blown up and gotten way more popular since we've been going on YouTube.
But we've gotten over a quarter million subscribers.
And so things are really happening.
And except YouTube pulled our funding out from underneath us, right?
So they don't want independent news anymore.
And YouTube's offering establishment news.
They're actually offering for a fee.
So they're funding independent news people like us.
So that's why we're offering Patreon.
That's why we're offering a premium.
That's all these different ways.
And plus, we have the t-shirts.
We have all these different ways where you can help support the Jimmy Door show.
So thanks for doing that.
And if you're more comfortable with Patreon, use our Patreon link.
If you're more comfortable using our PayPal, become a premium member.
So there's lots of different ways to support the show.
Thank you for doing that.
Now let's get on to the second half.
Beep.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy, it's Herman Kane.
How are you doing?
Oh, hi, Herman.
Why are you calling me?
Because I am completely insane.
Oh, right.
I forgot.
Just Josh, and I still have my marbles.
Well, most of them, at least.
Hey, what have you been up to, Herman?
Living my best life, Jimmy.
I can't lie.
Oh, yeah.
And what's your best life, Herman Kane?
My best life is the best life that there is.
And that is the life of a former Republican politician.
It's the greatest party that ever was.
A lot of my compatriots have figured it out, and they're quitting politics altogether.
But I was the first.
I will always be the godfather, the beacon.
Yeah, a lot of congressmen aren't running for re-election.
Yeah, can you say, Paul Ryan?
The speaker is quitting.
18 Democrats aren't returning to the House, but 41 Republicans aren't returning to the House because they know the good life is on the other side.
Why is that?
Well, first of all, former Republican politicians get offered the most lucrative jobs in the private sector because corporations know that we will do anything.
We have no conscience whatsoever.
Right.
But also, if you want, you can shock everybody by doing the most ridiculously un-Republican-ass shit imaginable just to flaunt how brazenly that platform and rhetoric is just to appeal to stupid voters.
I see.
For example, yesterday, I took a selfie with Flavor Flave and posted it on Twitter.
Flavor Flave and Herman Kane in a pic I posted.
Right.
Can you imagine if Barack Obama had taken a selfie with a member of public enemy?
Can you imagine what people would have done?
Can you imagine the things I would have said about that?
I can't believe our president is cavorting with these America-hating police insulting blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, I can only imagine.
Right.
But I can do it because I'm a former Republican politician.
We can do anything.
I'm hanging out with rappers.
Rick Santorum was making Hallmark movies or some shit.
Uh-huh.
And John Bay is selling weed, motherfucker.
Right, I know.
Wade!
Yeah, I saw that in the motherfucking woo!
Yeah, I saw that in my Twitter feed today.
Oh, boy, that one is just the best.
No one's going to top that.
Oh, man.
Yeah, the hypocrisy is unbelievable.
Meanwhile, on the so-called left, you have anti-pot crusader Kennedy, who's more in line with Jeff Sessions on the issue than with the Democratic Party.
Wade!
That just kills me.
That's just the most balling-ass shit I've ever seen.
I agree, Herman.
When Trump gets voted out, he's going to set up a harem where he gets porn stars pregnant and get some abortions.
It'll be on reality TV.
Take that, Republican base.
I wouldn't be surprised.
But he's the reason all this has accelerated.
He's the end of the GOP, no doubt.
So people have to leave politics, leave the party, or go down with him.
I went private sector after a disastrous presidential bid, and I'm ranking it in.
Imagine what these legacy dudes are going to pull off.
Yeah.
This would be sad as hell if I gave a shit about anything.
Herman.
Oh, buzz off, Jimmy.
I'm living that good life.
I'm going to go tweet a selfie with me and Sister Soldier.
Or maybe me and a white woman in front of a Shake Guevara poster.
Who knows?
I can get away with anything.
I'm not running for shit.
Come on in, Speaker Ryan.
The water's fine.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm here with Ron Placoda and the miserableism.
Everyone's here.
I'm miserable.
Steph has a Donna Tatahance t-shirt on.
You can't see it.
Hey, everybody.
Guess what's going on, though?
I remember a little Jagoff comedian who hangs out in nightclubs where people drink.
I remember that guy saying something like, well, if Donald Trump becomes president, this would probably be really bad for the Republican Party and actually might be a springboard for progressives to take over the government.
As opposed to if Hillary Clinton became president, it would just solidify the Republican control at every other level of government.
Senate, House, statehouses, you know, like how they are right now.
The Democrats are completely wiped out after eight years of Barack Obama's pro-Wall Street, pro-war, pro-big pharma, pro-big oil policies.
That doesn't win you votes unless you're super good speaker who's super charming and handsome.
And that's why Barack Obama got elected.
He was a super good speaker and charming.
His policy sucked hard.
And so what I said, I don't know if you remember that Jagoff comedian.
I do.
Him saying that if Donald Trump became president, it might be bad for the Republicans and might be good for the progressives.
Now, I don't remember a Jagoff comedian saying that, but in fairness, I might have been at brunch.
Because if Hillary was president, we'd all be at brunch right now, right?
Is that what you're trying to say?
Well, guess what, ladies and gentlemen?
Guess what, ladies and gentlemen?
House Speaker Paul Ryan to retire and blow to Republicans.
That's not a Jerry Sandusky blow.
That's just a blow.
U.S. House Speaker Paul Ryan to retire and blow to Republicans.
Wait a minute.
The Republicans have the White House.
They have the Senate.
They have the House.
Why would he want to leave power?
Oh, maybe because Trump is poisoned to the Republican Party.
Mr. Ryan joins nearly 30 House Republicans who have announced this year that they are retiring outright.
Huh?
Why would you retire when you're in power?
When you have complete control of government, you can do whatever you want.
You know, Jimmy, it's almost like they don't like their own policies.
It's almost like they don't like their own policies.
He doesn't want to have to go home and defend a bloated military budget, a tax bill that screws everyone except the 1%, and repealing health care for everybody, which they weren't able to do because guess what happened?
All the Democrats stuck together and the Purple State Senators stuck together with the Democrats and opposed Trump's repealing health care, just like I said they would.
The Democrats got in bed with Trump to bloat the military budget.
They got in bed with Trump to repeal Dodd-Frank Wall Street regulation.
They could have opposed all those things because those are highly unpopular.
They didn't.
There's no accounting for how shitty the Democrats are going to be.
That's the thing.
I couldn't bake that into my predictions of just how god-awful the Democrats.
The Democrats moved to the right after they lost to Trump.
They became war hawks more.
They keep attacking Trump from the right, wanting him to go to war with Russia.
I had no idea.
They turned their back on DACA.
They promised to build Trump's wall for him.
They promised.
They bragged that they gave him the money to build his wall.
They turned their back on TACA.
They bragged about giving war.
They went along with his bloated military budget, deregulating Wall Street.
And now they want him to bomb Syria and start a war with Russia.
Ryan joins nearly 30 House Republicans who have announced this year that they're retiring outright.
I don't know.
I guess we all should have just voted for Hillary Clinton and everything would be great right now.
Democrats need 23 seats to take over the House.
Good luck.
The Democrats suck.
They still suck.
Do you know that the Democrats are to the right of John Boehner on the drug war?
That's right.
John Boehner is now pro-marijuana legalization, pro-marijuana research, all that stuff.
The Democrats still to the right of him.
In a Wednesday morning news conference, Mr. Ryan said his decision was family-related.
You all know that I did not seek this job, he said.
I took it reluctantly, but I have given this job everything.
I have no regrets whatsoever for having accepted this responsibility.
I have no regrets whatsoever for having accepted this responsibility.
He has no legislative successes to talk about except things that are highly unpopular.
But I didn't seek this out.
Heroes are recruited.
He continued, but the truth is, it's easy for it to take, the truth is, it's easy for it to take over everything in your life, and you just can't let that happen.
The 48-year-old father of three said he did not want to be known by his children as an only a weekend dad.
That is such a load of shit.
I don't know about that, Jimmy.
I mean, we all know that most parents decide it's time to spend more time with their children when their children are teenagers.
That's when they want you around all the time.
They want you around on their date chaperoning.
When you drop them off a block away, that's like the most quality time.
You know how teenagers always hang out around the house.
Yeah.
And even when they are home, it's not like they're in their room looking at their computer.
So he's leaving because he's afraid of losing his seat.
Do you see what's happening in Wisconsin right now?
What's happening in Wisconsin right now is a state senator just got a Democrat just won a red state for senator in a special election.
And a state Supreme Court Democrat just won a seat on the state Supreme Court.
And that hasn't happened since 1995.
Scott Walker, the governor of Wisconsin, tried to delay special elections inside Wisconsin because he knew they would lose.
And now there's this.
Paul Ryan is quitting.
It's because he really wants to spend more time with his kids now that they're almost all the way grown up.
I wonder if he's worried about medical health coverage for his family when he leaves this position.
I wonder.
Probably not.
Here's Jennifer Rubin.
She's a conservative writer.
She said, instead of achieving the entire GOP agenda, Ryan will leave a besmirched legacy defined by his decision to back, enable, and defend Trump, no matter how objectionable Trump's rhetoric and conduct.
That's his legacy.
He didn't stand up for Trump.
He joined him.
That awesome.
The guy who said that there are good people on both sides.
There's good neo-Nazis.
So I don't know, man.
I don't know.
I remember a Jagoff comedian saying something like this.
I don't know.
But what that Jagoff comedian did not count on is just how shitty the Democrats are actually going to be.
So I predict mixed results in November.
I don't know.
I say it'll be a little, it won't be as overwhelming as the 2006.
We'll see.
Because the Democrats still don't stand for anything.
They still won't run on anything.
Look what Doug Jones did in Alabama.
As soon as he got elected to the Senate as a Democrat in Alabama, he turned on the people who elected him.
I don't know what the fuck the Democrats.
It feels like the Republicans are running away from being Republican, and then they're coming into the Democratic Party and making it even worse.
Yes.
One party.
We've got one party.
The people who are normal Republicans are in the Democratic Party.
That's the problem.
Starting with Hillary Clinton.
She's a normal Republican.
She's a pro-business, pro-Wall Street, pro-war, pro-fossil fuel person who gutted welfare, deregulated Wall Street, and exploded our prison population.
That's called a fucking Republican.
Get out of the Democratic Party.
There's already a party for you.
She already loves guys like Max Boot.
She loves guys like David Frum.
She loves guys like Henry Kissinger.
Get the fuck out of our party.
Again, I predict, we'll see.
Fingers crossed that progressive, we have a progressive wave in fingers crossed.
Well, I think it's important to point out, too, that like when the AHCA was going down, Paul Ryan was the whipping boy.
So it's definitely this administration that moved this guy to his breaking point.
Which is great.
So when they were trying to repeal Obamacare?
Right.
Paul Ryan was the whipping boy of who?
For the Republicans.
Oh, he was the whip.
He was the.
Oh, yeah.
So he whipped the rest of the people to get behind it.
He tried to, and then when it failed, he took the heat.
Yeah.
I mean, he was the face of it.
I thought it was John McCain.
Everybody blamed John McCain, right?
Because he did that.
Remember?
No, maybe I'm not saying you're wrong.
I'm saying you're probably right.
I haven't.
He was the guy that took the heat when they basically had nothing.
Yeah.
When they didn't have a replacement.
It was Paul Ryan.
Well, it's like, dude, you've been running on repeal and replace for eight years, and now you have power.
Where's your replace?
There is no replace.
They didn't have one.
They know.
Because Obamacare was their plan to begin with, which is why the Democrats suck so bad, which is why we have Trump, which is why we probably will have mixed results this November.
You would think, Jimmy, at this point, that the Democrats would start seizing this opportunity.
Ah!
Right?
The whole thing is, is what are their corporate overlords going to want?
So that's the problem with the Democratic Party.
We're completely controlled by their donors.
The same people have complete ownership of Paul Ryan and Nancy Pelosi.
And I've been saying how the Democrats or the people who consider themselves on the left have been attacking Trump from the right.
What do I mean by that?
Well, on the left, you're supposed to be for détente, and you're not supposed to be pro-war.
Because as we all know, George Orwell has taught us and history that all wars are fought for money and profit.
And we only go to war when a handful of plutocrats realize they can make a ton of money off it.
That's when we go to war.
So if you're on the left, you're always against war.
If you're on the right, you're always advocating for more war.
We're war hawks.
That's why she's a real Republican.
She's not a Democrat.
She gutted welfare, expoded the prison population, deregulated Wall Street.
She was pro-Iraq war.
She wasn't for gay marriage for five seconds ago.
And she's always for more bombing.
And she did it in Libya, too.
She's a Republican.
That's why.
So now the Democrats have been attacking Trump from the right, meaning they want him to be more of a war hawk, which is the opposite of what left people are supposed to do, which reveals them to be useful idiots of the military-industrial complex.
Well, here's one right now.
Here's Howard Dean.
If you had done your job consistently, this would not have happened.
Why are you such a wimp in the face of Assad and Putin?
What the fuck do you want him to do, Howard?
So Trump tweeted out, if President Obama had crossed his state, had crossed his state red line in the sand, the Syrian disaster would have ended long ago.
Animal Assad would have been history.
He says, if you had done your job consistently, this would not have happened.
Why are you such a wimp in the face of Assad and Putin?
What do you want him to do, Howard?
Should we invade Syria?
Why should we invade Syria, Howard?
What do you want us to do in Syria?
You want us to start away?
You want us to send some Marines there?
You want us to bomb more?
Because you know how bombing helps.
They kill some people with gas.
We kill people with bombs like good Christians.
And Jesus is happy.
And you know, Tucker Carlson, who I'm usually not in agreement with, but got a good report on Syria, pointed out Howard Dean was a peace candidate once upon a time.
Was a peace candidate once upon a time.
Politics make strange bedfellows, huh?
Especially when the entire Democratic Party is Republican.
Here's Lindsey Graham.
Will Assad pay a big price?
President Trump must deliver on his threats, and big price should include destruction of air power and intelligence operations and making Assad a target.
When it comes to Assad's Syria, it's now time to cut off the head of the snake.
There hasn't even been an investigation, Dick.
This is who these people are.
These people are bloodthirsty warmongers.
They're the worst people in the world.
In the world.
Howard Dean, Lindsey Graham, Hillary Clinton, the worst people in the world.
Oh, by the way, but I bet they're all happy because it worked.
Secretary of State nominee Pompeo to tell senators years of soft U.S. policy towards Russia are now over.
Well, I hope we can start a war with Russia.
I just really, I hope we can start building nuclear weapons again and all that stuff.
I hope we can bankrupt our treasury even more as our country, half of our country's poor, low income.
29 million people still don't have health care.
I hope we can build more nuclear weapons.
Russia went into Syria to fight ISIS.
Guess what we were doing?
We went into Syria to fund ISIS.
Whew, that's a lot of stuff to say at the end.
Hey, Bernie Sanders is on the phone.
I hope he isn't going to offend the whole world by praising Barack Obama while criticizing the Democratic Party.
Hello?
For your information, the Democratic Party sucks big elephant schlong.
Oh, and Barack Obama is a fine human being.
There, are you borons happy yet?
But CNN and the New York Times said your comments about President Obama were stinging, and you crossed your base.
May I finish?
Please let me finish.
May I finish?
I'm sorry.
Let me reiterate and make this very, very clear, if I may.
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written.
That's right, it was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Steph Samurano, and Mark Van Landowicz.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Do not freak out.
Don't freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
Do not freak.
Don't freak out.
Do not be down and do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
▲
Export Selection