All Episodes
Previous Next
Dec. 9, 2017 - Jimmy Dore Show
59:55
20171209_1208_TJDS_PODCAST
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello?
Prime Minister Netanyahu?
Jimmy, please call me BB.
Hey, BB.
Hi, Jimmy.
To what do I owe this pleasure?
Well, BB, I was wondering if you had a few moments to chat about Donald Trump's recent announcement regarding the capital of Israel.
Honestly, Jimmy, I do not see what the fuss is about.
Donald Trump said that the capital city of Israel is Jerusalem.
He might have also announced that water is wet.
Tigers have stripes.
And the most talented beetle was actually George.
Jerusalem has always been the capital of Israel, and it always shall be.
The international community be damned.
But don't you think making this public statement itself was needlessly provocative?
Provocative how?
Provocative to whom?
Hamas?
Well, yes, not to put too fine of a point on it.
So what?
Should we always worry about what is provocative to Hamas?
Is that our concern?
Maybe Hamas should learn to control itself.
I, for one, do not think that we need to cover up the fact that Jerusalem is our capital with a burqa, lest Hamas get an eye full of exposed diplomatic skin and become inflamed with passion.
Okay.
And let's be honest, this wasn't even an action.
It was merely an acknowledgement of reality.
But why is Donald Trump making this announcement for you?
As a sovereign nation, it seems odd that you are so willing to let the head of a state of another country make such a declaration.
It's not just any other country, it's our great ally and friend, America.
And it's not just any head of state, it's Donald Trump.
Uh, yeah, that's my point.
The entire world sees him as a giant bozo.
Seems like you wouldn't want him as your spokesman.
Or would I?
Oh, I see.
Do I detect a little strategy going on here?
Jimmy, my friend.
Now we are talking turkey, as you say.
Yeah, I don't say that.
Oh, you should.
It's a wonderful expression.
Talk turkey with me, Jimmy.
No, don't you think turkey?
Jesus.
Let's talk Trump.
Trump is a turkey.
Would you agree?
Yes, BB.
He's quite a turkey.
Okay, fine.
Thereby, the expression, let's talk turkey, is now a double entendre.
Meaning both, let's get down to brass tax and let's talk about this Turkey Trump.
Can we agree to this usage?
I suppose so.
You see, I'm a very reasonable man.
Donald Trump is a bozo, so he is the perfect stooge to give this message to the world.
How so?
Well, we currently have something that we want, but if there is blowback, it can be blamed on Trump, not Israel itself.
So, in order to fulfill a campaign promise of his own, he serves very well as our patsy.
Wow, how amazingly cynical.
Not cynical, Jimmy.
Calculated.
Welcome to the Middle East, my friend.
You know, Hamas has called for another infetada over this.
I'm well aware.
Hamas says many things.
But so far, there have been minor protests, nothing we cannot handle.
So basically, Trump has just given the Israeli people an early Hanukkah gift.
Well, what is Israel going to give him for Christmas?
Not sure.
Maybe some nice olive oil.
Things are a little tight this year.
I see.
Well, I have enjoyed talking turkey with you, Jimmy.
Please stop saying that.
And I hope you have a wonderful holiday season, you and your lovely wife, Steph.
And your dog as well.
Do you dress him up in Santa costumes or such?
No, we don't.
Do you dress him up as a turkey?
A Christmas turkey.
Bye-bye, baby.
Bye-bye, baby.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for lefties.
The kind of people that are.
Come then, maybe on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Door.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Door Show.
We had a great time on Monday.
Enjoy it.
We're going to display some of it for you.
The live show is fantastic.
Our special guest was Jake Uger, Eddie Peppetone, and Graham Elwood, the political vigilante.
Oh, by the way, our next live show, December 18th, at the Improvisation in Hollywood, California.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for tickets.
That's a Monday night, our last show of the year, December 18th.
Our next live show in LA isn't until, I don't know, February.
Okay, so we'll see you December 18th.
Let's get to some jokes before we get to the jokes.
I look forward to the Democrats blaming L. Franken's resignation on Susan Sarandon in 3, 2, 1.
You know, everybody's saying Trump was slurring his speech.
Did you hear Trump slurring his speech?
He wasn't slurring his speech.
It was just his mouth being fed up with his brain.
The war against ISIS will never be won because we're not fighting ISIS.
We're fighting the war industry.
Go Niners.
The resistance is a lie invented by exploiters to mask their criminal behavior and placate the gullible.
Enjoy the next Marvel movie.
Just a reminder, everybody, one year ago, this week, Nancy Pelosi said, quote, I don't think people want a new direction, end quote.
Guess what?
She's still saying that.
God.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to be talking about the tax debate, how the Democrats keep letting us down in ways you can't even imagine.
Jerusalem, are you hearing me?
Plus, we got phone calls today from Sherrod Brown, Vladimir Putin, and BB Netanyahu calls in.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
you you All right, so we're going to talk about Orange Hatch and the tax bill.
That's a great tax bill, by the way, because everybody's going to pay more taxes except for, I think, Jeff, Jeff Bezos.
I think, everybody's taxes go up just a little bit.
Jeff pays a super big tax cut.
He's going to be worth $125 billion, right?
So here is Sherrod Brown, and he's talking with what's that guy's name, Orn Hatch.
Hornhatch fantastic motherfucker fantastic motherfucker I mean I like I like a guy who does, when they have the collars, that's all white and the shirt's a different color.
It's like, oh, it's like your little, you know what, it's like your upper whatever.
And it's just like something I wouldn't do.
I wouldn't wear a shirt that had a different color collar.
And it's just, it's too much.
You know what I mean?
It's like wearing a fucking ascot.
I wouldn't wear an ascot.
I might wear a pocket kerchief, maybe, because James Bond did.
Maybe.
But I wouldn't wear an ascot like Tom fucking broke off.
Okay.
All right, here we go.
Would you wear an ascot, Jenk?
It sounds funny, so no.
I don't want an ass anything.
It's like an ascot sounds like a bed just for your ass.
Well, that actually made it sound way better.
Can I get a cot in here for everybody?
No, just for my ass.
And an ascot.
Would you like an ascot?
Of course I would.
My fucking ass is tired as shit.
This is not the show I thought I was going to do.
So I'm sure everybody has seen this clip here.
So let's just play it and notify it.
And I just think it would be nice just tonight before we go home to just acknowledge: well, this tax cut really is not for the middle class, it's for the rich.
And that whole thing about higher wages, well, it's a good selling point, but we know companies don't just give away higher wages.
They just don't give away higher wages just because they have more money.
Corporations are sitting on a lot of money now.
They're sitting on a lot of profits now.
I don't see wages going up.
So just spare us the bank shot.
Spare us the sarcasm and the satire and spare.
I'm going to just say to you that I come from the poor people.
Oh!
Oh, wow!
Oh my God!
Oh!
Oh my God!
I come from you, filthy people.
I know your dumb filthness, and I understand it.
I knew the limousine drove over your children.
I knew, I mean, I still fly coach on occasion.
I sit with the animals.
I think that's what poor people say all the time.
The poor people.
The poor people.
I definitely grew up in the poor people, and I can tell you that the poor people are the struggle was the real.
I ate shit until they sprayed something on it that made me not like it.
That's a callback from the beginning of the fucking show.
Thank you.
And I've been here working my whole stinking career.
Oh, I'm poor people don't talk like that.
My fucking career is what they would say.
My fucking scumbag career.
That's how poor people talk.
The poor people.
The poor.
I have been trolling.
I have been enduring $2,500 suits and working in this job where every day it's like, which kickback am I going to take?
And I just can't handle it anymore.
Paying the brown, the poor person to dig a hole for my money.
And you, sir, I take great umbrage at this.
Once.
Once I had to have penne instead of fuseli.
Oh!
When your caddy brings you the wrong iron, then you know what the poor people are going with the struggle.
We were so poor, we sat around and watched Iron Man.
Iron Man won, you mean.
Iron Man won, I mean.
Guy corrected you over.
Okay.
Here we go.
There's more to this.
Hold up.
For people who don't have a chance.
And I really resent anybody saying that I'm just doing this for the rich.
Give me a break.
I think you guys are.
Yeah, yeah.
I play that all the time and it gets old.
Yeah, I'm so tired of people pointing out that this will only benefit the rich.
It's fucking tiring.
Gives a goddamn shit.
It's going to help.
Okay, here we go.
And frankly, you ought to quit it.
Mr. Chairman, the public suggests I'm not true.
I get kind of sick and tired of it.
True, it's a nice political play.
Well, Mr. Chairman, with all due respect, I get sick and tired of the richest.
Regular order, Mr. Chairman.
Getting richer in order.
We do attack...
Bring her order!
...middle-class dreams.
Bring her order!
And over and over again.
How many times do we do this before we...
Shall talk over him.
Talk.
You cannot say a fact.
Talk over him.
We told you truth is not allowed in this chamber.
You're out of order.
Out of order.
Truth is out of order.
No more democracy.
No more democracy.
Tag Dang.
By the way, that sums up their whole policy, right?
Is to just say things stridently.
Yes.
And just don't.
Be indignant while you lie while you lie.
Be indignant while you lie is the summation of the poor people, which makes it extra horrible that I'm fucking them over, right?
But if I say it like this, it seems like I really have a point.
And people buy it.
They buy it.
That's right.
That's exactly what he's doing.
Yeah, I think it's really convincing.
I come from the poor people.
That's why I take great umbrage at what you're saying.
So, a guy for Republican from Iowa today said that it's a great myth that the estate tax only helps the rich.
It only applies to people making over $22 million.
By definition, it only applies to the rich.
But he takes great umbrage.
Did I ever tell you about my brother who watches too much cable news, meaning Fox News, and he worries about problems that have anything to do with them?
Like, he makes about $50,000 a year and he worries about the estate tax.
I'll explain.
One day I go to my brother's house on a number.
He goes, hey, we got to get rid of that estate tax.
I'm like, sure, Danny, what the fuck are you talking about?
He goes, that's if you die and you have millions of dollars, the government just takes half of it.
They just take it.
I was like, that's horrible.
Let me know when that becomes a problem.
*laughter*
Until then, maybe you should worry about the t-shirt tax at Walmart, you dickhead.
I'm sure the estate tax is horrible, but I'm pretty sure estates don't have two cars that don't work on the front lawn, right?
LAUGHTER That's a true story.
How did he respond to that?
He said it literally, you want to know?
He goes, it's tyranny.
That's what he said, because he heard Sean Hannity fucking say it.
So he repeated.
It's tyranny.
Okay, you don't even know what that means.
I know you don't know what that means.
You still roll cigarette packs up in your t-shirts.
You do not know what that means.
Wait a minute.
Is your brother the poor?
Yes.
Yes.
How do they get the poor to identify with the rich?
How do they get the poor to identify with the rich?
They make everyone.
Well, what is that thing?
Nobody in America thinks they're poor.
They're just temporarily embarrassed millionaires, right?
That's the whole thing.
Yeah, so everybody thinks that that's why they have the lottery.
Ah, fucking rich people don't play the lottery.
Fucking poor people play the lottery, right?
They're all laughing at it.
Margaret, right after I do my own colon surgery, we're buying a yacht.
That's what they're like.
Give me the broken beer bottle.
I'll get this fucking polyp out.
And then we're buying a yacht.
And if you don't.
I had to quiet this motherfucker down a little bit.
Regular order!
Regular order.
Listen.
I've honored you by allowing you to spout off here.
Spout off here.
I allowed you to spout off here and tell me about the people who are dying because of the shit we're doing.
Spouting.
There should be.
There should be in every chamber, you know, in every Senate office.
So where is this?
The House of Rep. Where is this?
This is the Senate.
There should be a sniper who wants the lie.
Once the lie becomes so big, like it just takes him out.
Like, there's a certain meter of lie and then a bullet, right?
Bang!
Yeah.
I'm telling you, that's the only way.
Well, with this asshole, it would have been right at the end of, Sir, I am the...
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I preach nonviolence, but not anymore.
What you said was not right.
That's all I'm saying.
I come from the lower middle class originally.
Oh, okay.
First it was the poor.
Right.
Now he just jumped up a little bit.
Look at that.
Now it's like, by the way, I had a paper out.
We were lower middle class.
We were lower middle class.
And then, well, we had a summer home.
So we had the summer home that made us lower middle class.
And then we were affluent.
We were affluent, folks.
Lower middle affluent.
I didn't have a private jet till I was 19.
I don't want to hear it.
I'll never forget my father's submarine.
I had to lay out my own clothes until I was 12.
Polo horses don't feed themselves.
Think about how rich Mitt Romney was.
His wife taught horses to dance.
Every one of the poor does that.
We all horse dance.
I one time had a drink of Chardonnay that didn't have a hint of hazelnut.
I'm sorry.
So, huh?
Pretty nice for a Monday night.
It makes me feel good in a very, very ego-based way.
And I know that's false because we are all in the one.
And is that the last part of Hatch's speech that part of it?
Yes.
Oh, wait, there's more to this speech.
Here we go.
Let's get back.
If anything.
So don't spew that stuff on me.
I get a little tired of that crap.
It gets a little tired.
Can you just say something if you didn't?
I get tired of people talking to me in my white collar about fucking the poor.
I'm tired of it.
I am sick and tired of it.
I'm sick and tired of it.
But look at this.
Is this tie red or orange?
I think it's orange.
I want to go peach.
I say peach.
That is a deep peach.
If we've worked together, we could pull this country out of every mess it's in.
And we could do a lot of the things that you're talking about, too.
And I think I've got a reputation of having worked together.
Let's start with Chip.
Not starting with Chip.
Let's start with Chip, which is the health insurance program for fucking kids.
He goes, well, let's start with Chip.
No, no, I'm not doing that.
Fuck those kids.
I was a poor kid.
And if someone would have gave me health care, it would have softened me up, and I wouldn't be wearing a white collar today.
So here he's got what?
I've done it for years.
I've got more bills.
Start with Chip.
I've got more bills passed than everybody on this committee put together.
And they've been passed for the benefit of people in this country.
All I can tell you about it.
I grew up with nothing.
I'm so old you can trust me when I lie about this bill.
Thank you personally very much, but I'm telling you, this bull crap that you guys throw out here really gets open after a while.
And do it right at the end of this.
But just not right.
You guys tell the truth about this bill right at the end.
That's out of bounce.
You know that's not allowed here in the Senate.
Shut up.
It's almost like you were trying to stop it.
And I just, it takes a lot to get me worked up like this.
Somebody's standing in the way of my tax cut.
He'll do it.
That's what he's talking about.
He goes, he's going to get a tax cut from this bill.
All his friends are going to get a tax cut from this bill.
All his donors are going to get a tax cut from this bill.
All his friends in the Senate are going to get a tax.
Everybody who knows are going to get a fucking tax cut for this bill.
So, okay, so here he is.
And now they're talking about CHIP.
This is Orrin Hatch, and they're talking about CHIP.
So just so you know, if you don't know, CHIP is a program for poor children to be able to see a doctor when they're sick, but not so poor that they qualify for Medicaid.
So it's the kids whose parents are working every day.
And because this country has such a fucked up way of running capitalism that people who work full-time can't afford a living wage or health insurance.
So the government comes along and says, we're not going to have any policies that help you get a better wage.
But what we will do is make sure your kids can see a doctor when they get sick.
How about that?
We're fucking Santa Claus.
How about that?
So that's what they do.
And so everybody's like, oh, look how great the government is.
They don't let kids die.
So that's what that is.
So there's a lot of people, a lot of children that get to see a doctor who have parents who work but don't make enough to buy health insurance.
So that's who we're talking about, right?
So these are people who are fucking working every day, right?
And they just don't make enough money.
Because if they weren't working, they'd be on Medicaid, right?
So it doesn't matter to Orin Hatch.
He can still make you think those people are lazy cocksuckers.
You think I'm kidding?
Watch this.
But the reason Chip's having trouble is because we don't have any money anymore.
Or Hatch, who just got done defending a $1.4 trillion deficit boomer, that tax cut for millionaires, billionaires, and corporations, has the balls to stand there and say, we don't have any money for sick kids.
What are you crazy?
What the fuck?
You think maybe, what if I said, well, those six kids had a bomb?
Okay, then we can find some money.
Why doesn't Chip start producing bombs?
Maybe they'll have some fucking money.
That's what would happen.
Hey, Chip is going to start producing Tomahawk missiles.
The funding is going to be floodgating right now.
Chip is partnering with Raytheon.
Every time somebody says Chip, am I the only one who thinks of Paunch?
Okay.
Poor person.
To just add more and more spending and more and more spending, and you can look at the rest of the bill for the more and more spending.
I happen to think Chip has done a terrific job for people who really needed the help.
I've taken the position around here for my whole Senate service.
I believe in helping those who cannot help themselves.
Oh, come on.
Orin Hatch, he's from the poor.
He worked himself up from nothing to be a huge piece of shit.
That's something, right?
Can you believe this guy?
Now, it gets worse.
I have a rough time wanting to spend billions and billions and trillions of dollars to help people who won't help themselves.
Lift a finger and expect the federal government to do everything.
Now, how come this guy's head doesn't explode?
If you're that close to that kind of bullshit, something has to happen to your fucking head.
And he's got a point.
He just passed a tax bill that eliminates the estate tax.
And what's the problem is these fucking poor people just are too lazy to inherit a million dollars.
If you're not willing to be born into a family that already has millions of dollars, you're a lazy fucking asshole.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
Wake the fuck up, the poor.
You're right.
You know, Orin Hatch played Santa Claus at the Senate Christmas party once, and he just kept throwing kids off his lap going, get a job, butcher.
You want a train set?
Work for it.
I'm from the poor.
And then Megan Kelly saw that, and I was like, I knew it.
Santa is one.
That's another terrific callback.
Orin Hatch.
I mean, poor people could have done what Orrin Hatch did and sell their soul to the Satan.
Why did they fucking do that?
Yeah, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get a better dad.
Yeah, there you go.
Gotta wait for the federal government.
He's working hard.
He just meditated tax cut.
Now he's got the estate tax.
You know, the poor, like, we want to eat.
This is America, Graham.
Well, if you work hard enough, you'll be able to almost not make it.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
By the way, the estate tax goes to people who didn't work at all.
Conrad Hilton made the money.
Paris Hilton didn't do shit but a porn tape.
She's going to get the money when she didn't build the hotels at all.
They're the biggest bums there are.
There's no bootstraps.
There's no hard work.
All there is is people who get that money for free.
You got to pay taxes.
They don't pay any taxes.
Yes, but how many views did she get?
I mean, this stuff is so absurd.
Maybe the rich just have an incredible sense of humor that we're not getting.
This is deep, deeply funny.
I know, look at this giant guy's head.
He's just laughing up a fucking storm.
Listen to this fucking three-piece bullshit over here from this fucking guy that eats babies for lunch, this fucking ruthless, heartless, godless cocksucker.
Orrin Hatch.
I hope you're watching.
Hey, everybody, this is the part of the show where I usually tell you to go to our Amazon.com link.
You know, we don't encourage anybody to shop at Amazon.
But if you do, we say have some of that money go to a progressive show like the Jimmy Door show.
Doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon.
Doesn't cost you anything, but it's a big help to the show.
So the next time you want to buy something from Amazon, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Our Amazon box is right on the front page.
Click it.
It takes you to Amazon.
And then when you buy something, they send us money.
It's just that easy.
But we have a new thing, a new way for you to help support us.
Well, you can become a premium member.
You already know about that.
And I'll tell you about it at the end of the show.
But we started a Patreon, right?
So because a lot of people feel more comfortable using Patreon than using PayPal or Amazon.
So that's another way you can help support the show.
We have a Patreon link.
Just go to patreon.com slash Jimmy Door, patreon.com slash Jimmy Door.
Go there.
You can become a patron of the Jimmy Door show.
And you know what matters more now than ever because our show has really blown up and gotten way more popular since we've been going on YouTube.
But we've gotten over a quarter million subscribers.
And so things are really happening.
And except YouTube pulled our funding out from underneath us, right?
So they don't want independent news anymore.
And YouTube's offering establishment news.
They're actually offering for a fee.
So they're funding independent news people like us.
So that's why we're offering Patreon.
That's why we're offering a premium.
That's why we offer the Amazon all these different ways.
And plus, we have the t-shirts.
We have all these different ways where you can help support the Jimmy Door show.
So thanks for doing that.
And if you're more comfortable with Patreon, use our Patreon link.
If you're more comfortable using our PayPal, become a premium member.
So there's lots of different ways to support the show.
Thank you for doing that.
Now let's get on to the second half.
Hello.
Jimmy Door.
This is your nemesis, Vladimir Iliyovich Chichikov Mikhailsky Putin, current president of the Russian Federation of whatever the hell is going on now.
Hey, Vlad.
Nice to hear from you, but you're not my nemesis.
Really?
Terror of this back and forth tip for that.
You said this and I said that conflicts.
Why can't we be friends?
I've seen you around for a long, long time.
I remember when you drank my wine.
Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends?
I want to be friends with you too, Vladimir.
I really do.
Our two countries shouldn't be at odds with each other.
That is good.
For as you know, I am running for president again in March.
And I call you to ask American people a special favor, if I may.
Might I?
Of course, go ahead.
Stop fucking with our elections, okay?
Just stop it.
Stop fucking with us.
This Facebook thing is way out of line.
A day does not go by without a million of you lunky dipshits badmouthing me.
I'm kissing Trump.
I am devil.
I am puppet master.
I attack America.
Sheesh!
Why would I attack your country for God's sake?
I've not even been to Mall of America yet.
Cheesecake factory, Lego World, PF Chang's, Mr. Nibs.
So much I have not seen yet while riding on horse wearing no shirt.
I'm sorry, Vladimir, but some Americans think Russia influenced our election by paying for Facebook ads.
Oh, gosh, wow.
Fucking $200,000 worth of ads.
Whoopie, you assholes forced Bulls Yiltsen on us.
It's on Time magazine cover.
That shit's real.
That's like if Russia made Foster Brooks U.S. president, you turned Russia into a Dean Martin Rost.
It just isn't right.
So what are your chances of winning the election?
Good question.
Russia election traditionally very complicated.
Political challengers must collect over 100,000 signatures from 43 geographic regions.
Then signatures must be blessed by old demon woman with warton nose after she is beaten with shoe, put into bag with wolverine, and thrown into swamp.
After three days, bag is open.
If talking turtle and red frog emerge from bag with demon woman and wolverine, this is signed.
Not enough signatures have been collected and election culled off until a new spell is cast upon the village.
And what happens if a talking turtle and red frog don't come out of the bag with the demon woman and the wolverine?
What are you stupid?
I'm just asking.
No, seriously, what is the problem?
I didn't mean any offense, Vlad.
Oh, for God's sake, you're unbelievable.
I can't even talk to you sometimes.
I'm sorry.
Just forget it.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
It just seems kind of stupid and archaic the way your country chooses its leaders.
Well, we used to have Electoral College, but old Demon Woman with wart on nosing back with Wolverine got better results.
Good luck with Roy Moore, you hustles.
*music*
So the horrible thing about this bill is that it exposes how horrible our whole system is, right?
Because what we run on, our system is run by Wall Street, right?
Our whole economy is run by these guys.
They have more fucking money in their bank than the whole goddamn economy has in GDP.
They have more, right?
So this is not good.
And by the way, there's another crash coming, and another crash ain't going to be fixed like the last crash, right?
So the next crash is going to be global, and it's going to not be able to get out of it because we can't get out of them anymore.
Because the shit we've been doing, we can't fucking do anymore.
And by the way, I don't know if you know, the next crash is going to be much more like the 1929 crash.
And I don't know if you know, but when the 1929 crash happened, does anybody know how long it took for the stock market to recover from where it was in 1929?
1934?
1953.
So it took from 1929 to 1953.
So that's, what is that?
I'm not a math surgeon.
That's about 55 years.
if you take the 101.
What?
I don't know what.
What?
I don't know what.
I don't know what.
So that's supposed to happen.
Well, by the way, we're overdue because the regular business cycle, there's a recession inside of every decade.
We haven't had one now since 2008 when that happened.
So here we are.
We're nine years.
We're due.
And so it's going to happen.
And by the way, now all our economies, though, are built on sand, right?
Barack Obama made the banks bigger.
He didn't break them up and make a stronger economy.
He made them bigger.
Okay, so that's why it's like people, where are you going to, oh, you have to have a 401k?
That's all.
I don't feel happy about it.
I don't want to put my money in the stock market.
I don't want to have a 401k.
I don't want to have IR.
I don't want to have any of that shit.
I don't want to put any of my money in Wall Street, but there's no getting around it.
It's like, hey, I don't want to have to give money to Exxon, but I want to drive my car.
It's like there's no fucking getting around it.
Like this system is fucked.
And you want to know how fucked up this system is?
So they do this shit, and they pass this tax bill that fucks everybody except their direct donors, right?
It fucks everybody except their direct donors, and they don't give a shit.
And how does the market respond to something like that?
That's actually going to fuck up our economy and not give us the, God give us the opportunity or the ability to get out of recessions in the future.
Here's how the market responds to that.
Once it got clear that it was going to pass, once it got clear, the GOP tax plan, this is from CNN Money.
The GOP tax plan has helped send U.S. stocks soaring in recent weeks.
The DAO spiked 332 points on Thursday and closed above the 24,000 level for the first time.
So the stock market is fucking booming.
Meanwhile, poor kids can't see a fucking doctor in America when they get sick.
That's literally where we're living right now.
63% of Americans are treading water.
They can't afford a $1,000 emergency.
Yet, when they fuck over the economy, the stock market surges.
That's the opposite of what it should be doing because what the DOP tax plan does is set up economic disaster for this fucking country.
But it doesn't set up economic disaster for the 1%.
And that's all this economy cares about, which is why we don't need a figurative revolution.
We need a real motherfucking revolution.
People in the streets revolution.
And I don't know how to get the people in the streets, but once I figure it out, I'm going to fucking get them there, okay?
I will.
I will be in the streets right after I finish Ozark on Netflix.
Right after that.
Unless another very good series comes out.
I have a feeling that's the plan, Eddie.
That's the plan.
And so John McCain, by the way, voted for this.
Remember how the liberals love John McCain?
John McCain voted for this.
Do you know that how many millions of people are going to lose their health care because of this, Jenk?
Right?
That's going to happen because of this bill.
So not only that, but everybody's health insurance rates are going to go up because of this bill, too, because they're getting rid of the individual mandate, which means a lot of people won't be paying in, which means they're going to raise their rates, right?
So they're screwing over everybody 10 times this Sunday.
They're supposed to have to pay.
By the way, John McCain, I got my health care, so fuck you.
So they're supposed to pay a political price for this, Jenk, right?
What's supposed to happen?
I've been saying this.
Well, when Donald Trump becomes president, the Republicans have the House and the Senate, they're going to have to govern.
And guess what?
They can't.
They can't govern.
And if they don't make people's lives better, they're supposed to pay a political price for that.
The only problem is the opposition party doesn't exist in America.
The opposition party gets the same money from the same fucking people who wanted this tax plan to go through.
So that's the problem.
We don't have anybody to stand up against the fucking bastards.
And if we do stick this to the Republicans, we're going to replace them with a lot of people who want to cut the taxes just a little bit less.
So what the fuck do we do?
How do we get out of this?
I think we have to go and get in the streets.
So I don't know how we get in the streets, but we got to get in the fucking streets.
We've got to get in the streets.
They had 700,000 people here for a march about fucking nothing in January.
I went to it.
I felt good about nothing, but maybe we should have a march about something.
Maybe we have a march about ending those fucking wars and investing that money back at home.
I hope we do that.
I I I I'm actually going to go to Verizon.
On Thursday, we're going to Verizon.
Are we all going to Verizon star because of Ajit Pie?
Yes.
What time Thursday?
5 p.m.
No.
Is it.
Ozark?
I can't.
I can't.
It's funny.
American apathy is hilarious.
So I just.
All right.
So go ahead, now you're going to wound me up there.
I know.
I've been trying.
All fucking night.
So, Diane Feinstein.
Oh, no, I'm going to resist against Trump's ass because she voted for the Bush tax cuts.
What the fuck are you resisting?
She voted to get rid of the estate tax completely.
Why?
She's a billionaire.
Her husband's a billionaire.
She voted for Bush's Iraq war.
Why?
Right afterwards, her husband's a defense contractor got a $300 million contract from the Iraq war.
So when you go to ask them to fight against Trump's corruption, almost all the Democrats don't go for it.
Why?
Because then they'd have to talk about their corruption.
So we talk about it.
That's why don't you attack Trump on his core problem?
He filled his cabinet full Golden Sachs guys.
He's deeply corrupt.
Everything he does is for his donors because they don't want to talk about donors because they have the same fucking donors.
Well, there you go.
Really quickly, Jenny, who is the Justice Democrat now going to run against Diane Feinstein?
Oh!
Tell us!
Okay.
Why I thought you'd never ask.
I love that some of you guys already said it.
Allison Hartson.
Yes!
Yes!
All right, you know where Allison comes from?
The poor people.
So Allison was a teacher, so she was making too much money.
Money-grubbing teachers.
They're the worst.
You know, Steph graduated top of her class, Jenkin.
She could have gone to Wall Street and helped people.
But instead, she followed that money train all the way to Sophomore English.
She's one of those selfish liberals that Orrin Hatch was talking about.
Yeah, I want the government to do everything for me.
You know what I mean?
That's a great imitation of me.
It also looks like you do yoga.
What a ballback man.
Wow.
This guy fucking remembers everything everyone said on the show.
It's fantastic.
Some teachers eat out once a week.
All right.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jeffrey, kind of a drinker.
So in the new tax cut bill, this is true.
If teachers buy supplies for their kids, it is no longer a deduction.
You can't deduct that.
But what is a deduction?
Okay.
But private jets are still a deduction.
Then I bought my students a private jet.
Let's go on a field trip.
Gas up the jet.
We're going on a pale drift of brilliance.
So Keith Oberman said that Donald Trump was worse for America than 9-11.
And that's not the right thing to say.
You shouldn't say that, right?
Probably wrong, because 3,000 Americans died that day and what have you, all that stuff.
So it got people's, stuff like that doesn't bother me.
It just makes me think Keith Oberman's, you know, overly emotionally invested and hating Donald Trump because he knows him personally and whatever.
So he's on the view with Megan McCain, right?
Megan McCain's very accomplished.
She managed to be one of her father's sperm.
Hold herself up by her bootstraps, Jimmy.
There's no fucking reason for Megan McCain to exist in culture.
I mean, if she was, If her dad, if her dad ran a 7-Eleven, no one would ever fucking hear about Megan McCain, and she'd be struggling right now to pay her tuition bills because she's a dummy, okay?
All right.
There's a bigger, there's a better insult than that, but I just.
Read it, read it.
You got it written down.
I think you're just kind of bitter because you didn't earn the right dad.
I am.
I am bitter.
So that's what she does.
She does this.
She does this here.
She gets everybody to fucking apologize to her.
She gets, did you see my tweet the other day where she had somebody?
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
So she had somebody apologize to her dad or for her mom or something because John McCain voted for the tax bill and they said, what did they say?
Do you remember something about her mom's going to be enjoying the money?
Because her mom comes, her dad's a beer distributor, and so they're all fucking rich, right?
And so somebody apologized to Megan McCain for making for saying that about her mother or whatever.
And then she goes, you owe more than an apology to daddy, David, David, David, that.
So I retweeted her bitching about it.
And I said, hey, your father just stole from the poor to give to the rich in the dead of night, and he's a scumbag till the day he fucking dies.
My apologies.
APPLAUSE That's why I like this guy.
I don't think it's a stretch to say John McCain's a scumbag.
And he's just because he was a veteran and he served, and everybody respects his service.
Everybody respects his service.
Nobody disrespects that.
But after he fucking did his service, oh, besides Trump, I mean.
Thank you.
Besides the president of the United States, I mean.
Besides the president of the United States, who John McCain fucking supported.
That's right.
He supported Trump.
Don't forget that.
All right.
So that's how you know John McCain is a fucking scumbag till the day he dies.
Because he would support someone who disrespected prisoners of war, even if it was him, if it would help him politically.
That's the fucking, that is the definition of a fucking scumbag.
That is who John McCain is.
And I don't care what any, I don't care.
He's got fucking brain cancer.
He just fucked over people who have brain cancer and can't see a goddamn doctor right now.
APPLAUSE And it's about time to start telling the truth about pieces of shit like fucking John McCain.
He's not a good guy.
He's been an asshole warmonger, enemy of the fucking country and poor people since the day he was born.
And he should be in fucking prison for what he did with the Keating Five.
And a lot of his shirts are wrinkled.
And some of his ass cuts, too.
Jack, how do you feel about John McCain?
You don't have to endorse anything I say.
I say that because I am not respectable.
I do not want the respect of anybody.
I want to be unrespected.
I want people to fucking talk down about me and shit because that gives me freedom to say whatever the fuck I want to say.
I crave no one's acceptance anywhere, especially the fucking corporate elite, right?
Because our friend just found out, our friend who smears me just found out that sucking up to those motherfuckers doesn't pay one day because they'll throw you under the bus just like that.
Okay?
I don't want to be on MSNBC or CNN.
I want to be on the corner making fun of those motherfuckers.
That's what I want to do.
I don't want to go to their parties.
I don't want to be friends with Jake Tapper or Chris motherfucking hate that sell-off piece of fucking shit.
I want to be standing here in front of a bunch of real people telling you what a piece of shit those motherfuckers are.
because we're not clouded by corporate money and we can tell the truth.
How do you really feel?
It was up to point, Jimmy.
It's almost as if Jimmy's with the poor people.
It's almost as if.
Yeah, so to answer your question, you know what would be amazing if we had politicians who had balls, right?
Like, they're so scared.
They're scared of their voters.
They're scared of their donors, but mainly their donors.
Because the donors wanted Trump for the tax cuts.
And so if McCain didn't back him, his donors wouldn't have backed him and et cetera, right?
Wouldn't it be great if he was like, no, that motherfucker said that he prefers people who weren't captured when he didn't go to Vietnam, when he was a piece of shit who ran from the war, who pretended to have bone spurs because his daddy wrote him a fucking letter and then turned around and said his personal Vietnam was fighting off SCT orgies while I was fucking being tortured for five fucking straight years.
So fuck Donald Trump.
No, I'm not voting for him.
Wouldn't people respect that?
Wouldn't even publicize respect that?
And what if he said, oh, am I voting for Donald Trump?
Fuck no, I'm not.
Right?
But, you know, I do hope that he lives long enough to be able to say to Trump, I prefer presidents who weren't impeached.
Oh.
So here's Megan McCain.
Very well, very well said, Jenk.
By the way, here's Megan McCain.
She challenges Keith Olberman about what he said.
And this is his comeback to what she says, you know, you owe me my father an apology, right?
Or for saying that.
You shouldn't have said that shit.
Listen to this.
This is unbelievable.
This is how he gets out of saying that Donald Trump is worse than 9-11.
This is how he gets out of it.
I'm teething.
Oh, I said it.
All right.
My favorite person in politics in American politics in the 21st century is your father.
Wow, who's the second one?
Bernie Madoff?
And now you know why you shouldn't fucking listen to this guy?
Look at him.
He thinks that this is a crowning point.
He's going to win the argument because I'm going to say I love John McCain.
John McCain, who we all just established, is a fucking enemy of the people and a puppet to his donors and doesn't give a shit about you or anything else except his own political future, which is the definition of a fucking coward.
That's what John McCain is, and that's what he's doing right now.
He's selling you out and you out.
He's not selling out rich people.
He's selling out fucking people who need help from the government.
That's what he's doing right now.
And he's got his daughter on TV to fucking cover for him.
And Keith Oberman, a dumb fucking neoliberal, to stick up for him.
And watch what else he says.
It gets worse from here.
It gets fucking worse.
Okay?
No, no, no.
But what I'm saying is, in retrospect, based on what we've seen in the last two years in this country, I owe him an apology.
I probably Owe George W. Bush an apology.
Because Hillary couldn't beat a fucking game show host, we now owe George W. Bush an apology.
I'm sorry.
Hillary Clinton owes the country a fucking apology.
Doc, W. Wasserman Schultz, who rigged the primary, owes the country an apology.
That's who owes the country an apology.
Nobody should apologize to a fucking war criminal.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I'd rather have a third term with George W. Bush.
That's how serious my memory loss is.
Can you believe that he fucking did that, Jenk?
That he apologized to a war criminal, a guy who Trump has yet to lead us into an illegal war.
He probably will, but he hasn't done it yet.
George W. Bush actually did do that.
He actually lied.
Remember that study they did?
937 lies that the Bush administration told about the Iraq war.
Do you remember that study?
But now everybody fucking forgets that shit because he's tweeting.
And Keith Oberman can't fucking help himself but sell out every goddamn principle and fuck over everybody who stood up to anything ever.
And now George Bush and Illegal Wars are okay because he personally doesn't fucking like Donald Trump.
By the way, he had an apartment in Trump Towers.
He used to bump into him in the fucking in the elevator all the time.
So that's why, because Keith Oberman is a fucking ego maniac and he can't stand the thought fact that another guy who lived in his building is a fucking president.
He's a fucking overly emotionally invested in Donald Trump's takedown and that's why he's saying stupid fucking shit and apologizing for war crimes and illegal wars like the piece of fucking shit that he is.
Well, just one thing.
You have not seen George W. Bush's paintings.
They're very good for a beginner.
It gets worse.
Isn't it funny how the Republicans always demand the apologies?
Yes.
And then when you apologize, they go on an apology tour.
Yeah.
Yes?
Right?
That's what they said about Obama.
Never fall into their trap.
You want an apology?
Fuck you.
Seth, I mean, Jake, is there anything, is there anything Trump could do that would make you apologize to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney?
What?
I apologize for not kicking their ass sufficiently enough.
Okay.
I didn't think so.
I did not think so.
He's got more stupid shit to say.
Here it comes.
Would happily take a third term with George W. Bush rather than this.
He would rather take a third term.
She's got that look like mission accomplished.
I got you to say all these wonderful things about Republicans as long as they're not named Trump.
So what that look is, see, all that shit Keith Oberman said, he was fucking full as shit.
It didn't mean anything.
All those rants he went on, all those worst persons in the world segment, it didn't mean anything.
Because Donald Trump, see, he wipes away all the sins of the fucking neoliberals and the conservatives and the warmongers and Wall Street.
He wipes all of it away.
Because what?
Because Keith Oberman says it does?
Fuck you, Keith Oberman.
You know what your opinion is worthy of?
A fashion magazine.
That's where it should fucking be.
That's where it should be.
No.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
My Centrist caller ID says Sherrod Brown's on the line.
Good afternoon, Jimmy Dore Corporation, a division of Blackwater and Dunkin' Donuts.
Would you like a free donut hole today?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't fool me, Jimmy Doer.
You don't care about customer service any more than you do about donut holes.
Internet donut holes are munchkins.
Don't be an asshole.
They're called donut holes too, Senator Brown.
Horse shit.
You don't know crap about donuts.
I bet you spelled donut with an O-U-G-H.
Admin.
What difference does it make?
All the difference in the world.
It's all about a little thing called nuance.
Ever heard of it?
You don't have to get snyd about it.
They're both small balls of deep-fried dough covered in a sugary glaze.
I bet you like to hang out at the Glendale Gallery and rob children of their candy, a sick master.
You're upset about something.
What's the matter?
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I'm a little out of sorts.
This time of year, I listen to Karen Carpenter.
I get very depressed.
I know.
All I can think about when I hear her is how she struggled with her anorexia, and now there's 7 million people in Yemen facing starvation.
There's people storming in Yemen.
Where's that?
I was thinking about how the music industry sucks.
Never mind.
Did you call about anything?
Thanks for asking, Jimmy.
As a sitting member on the Select Committee on Ethics, I feel my responsibility to inform the American public about the insidious attempt by the Trump White House, Blackwater, the CIA, and Oliver North to create a secret agency of spies answerable only to the president.
Hey, don't we already have something like that?
Yeah, that's where I got you, Dork.
Oh, sure, we already have the FBI, the NSA, the CIA, the DIA, the NRO, the MCIA, the ONI, the OICI, the INA, the INR, the TFI, the LMNOP, the Department of Homeland Security, the Impossible Mission Force, Bureau 13, the Torchwood Institute, the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, and the Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem, or Venom.
But those all work independent of each other for the greater good of whomever.
The only one that's truly out of control is the VFD.
The VFD?
Volunteer Fire Department.
They're a bunch of jerks.
Seriously.
What's their secret agenda?
Well, how will this secret agenda of spies be any different from the ones we already have?
Well, for one thing, I'll be answerable only to the president.
The ones we have now are only answerable to the president, but also to themselves and the arms industry.
You know, there's a lot more to that phone call.
We don't have time in today's podcast.
Of course, we have time, but we have to save stuff for our premium members.
It's a great way to help support the show.
Our audio premium is only $5 a month.
If you'd like video premium, that's $10 a month.
It's a great way to help support the show because nobody else is except you.
That's who we're answering to, our listeners.
Thanks so much for your support.
Big thanks to Jank Uger for being our guest on this week's show, Jack Uger from the Young Turks.
Also, big thanks to Eddie Pepetone and Graham Elwood, the political vigilante, for sitting in on this week's show.
December 18th is our next live show at the improv in Hollywood.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for tickets.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Jim Earle, Ron Placone, Steph Zamarano, Mike McRae, and Barry Lang.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Door saying you be the best you can be.
I'll keep being me.
Runcher.
▲
Export Selection