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April 21, 2017 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20170421_PODCAST0421
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hi, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy Dore.
This is Bill O'Reilly.
Oh, hey, Bill.
How's it going?
I mean, you know, heard you got fired.
How's that going?
Well, as I said in my statement, I am disheartened by Fox's decision.
But as you know, every setback is also an opportunity.
I will be moving forward.
Wow, I'm glad to hear that, Bill.
I mean, good to know you're still standing after all this.
Go fuck yourself, you little coward.
Bill!
I know you and all your little liberal gutter snipels are celebrating my demise.
Well, eat all the Mars, the pan, and deviled eggs while you can, because this lefty party won't last long, I can assure you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, because O'Reilly's not going anywhere.
Or, I should say, he is going somewhere, and that somewhere is online.
Online!
Yes, that's the new way to say inside the computer.
I'm going to do what that fat crybaby Glenn Beck did and start my own online subscription-only news service.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Not sure what it's going to be called yet.
O'ReillyOnline.com, thefactor.com, talkingpoints.biz.
Unfortunately, give me that fucking pussy.com is already taken.
And when you have a good 10 minutes, Jimmy, check it out.
Whoo-boy.
So, what will you be doing on this online network thing?
Well, finally, I will have an unfettered platform to be myself.
So, you should be aware that I will be openly sexually harassing women and saying the N-word clock.
I can't keep that stuff behind closed doors anymore.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
You hold that in too long.
That's how you get cancer.
So, there will be a lot of ad me yelling about the news and pinheads and whatnot.
The usual.
I might be shirtless a lot, like Alex Jones.
You could do anything on the online.
Is it just going to be you?
I mean, like, all the time?
No, no.
This will be a 24-7 news network, Jimmy.
There'll be many other anchors and correspondents.
I hear Tommy Lauren is looking for a job.
She just got fired from the Blaze for saying abortion should be a state issue.
Glenn Beck didn't like that.
Well, let me tell you something, Tommy.
You come to my network, I'll let you eat a dead fetus on here.
Just don't gain any weight.
Bill!
Maybe I can get some former and current Fox News hotties to jump on board.
Maybe give old Lori Dew a call.
Oh, Andrea Tantaros, Jimmy.
What?
Andrea Tantaros.
Dude.
Dude.
In person.
Holy Christ.
God damn.
All right, Bill.
Bill, I get it.
So anyway, yeah, you get the idea.
Just me and all these blazing hot female news bitches.
Maybe I'll wear a smoking jacket and pajama bottoms.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ah, Bill.
When one of the girls is on air doing her show, and you can see me in a comfy chair in the background with a cocktail in one hand, pulling my pod with the other.
Bill.
What?
It's a whole new approach to the news and analysis.
Jimmy, I have millions of viewers and fans.
If I leave Fox News, so do they.
And they will be happy to pay for a subscription service to my online news and harassment empire.
Bill, the median age of your viewership is like 71 years old.
So?
Bill, old people don't watch TV on the computer.
They watch TV on the TV.
Well, hold on.
I'm told that you can watch internet stuff on a TV if you have an apple pie or a cuckoo or whatever the hell you call it.
Not a lot of old conservative people are wired up, Bill.
Wait a minute.
Hold on here.
What about you?
People pay to watch your stupid show.
Yeah, my audience is young and middle-aged lefties who are smart and computer savvy.
You've cultivated an audience of hateful geriatric troglodytes, and you expect them to follow you online en masse?
Did you think this through, Bill?
Of course I didn't think it through.
What, you mean compulsively tell women I want to bang them for 20 years and then have it finally bite me on the ass?
Yeah, I didn't plan that out exactly.
Okay, so.
So I'm just doing the next logical step here.
I'm going to get all white people to pay to see me be racist and grab kitty if I have to go to their houses and put a gun to their grandkids' heads.
Do you understand me?
Jesus.
Yeah, him too.
I'll put a gun to his head.
That'll get him to pay up.
These hay seats love Jesus.
Anyway, I gotta go.
I'm going to pace around yelling racial slurs and get loaded so I can drunk die you later.
I want my heart to be back!
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for the lofty the kind of people that are saved.
It's hard to talk here, TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hey guys, Ron Placone here for the Jimmy Door Show.
Got an exciting show for you today.
Got a lot to talk about.
First of all, terrorists armed by the Pentagon are fighting terrorists armed by the CIA.
What do we have to say about that?
Find out.
Also, Rachel Maddow and the continued Russia hysteria.
What are some of the effects of that?
We talk about it.
And we got phone calls from Sean Spicer, Jeb Bush, and will we get a phone call from the drunk Bill O'Reilly?
He kind of said he was going to call us again.
Let's see if he does.
I'm Ron Placone.
are listening to The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show Hey, everybody, I'm here with Ron Placone and Steph Samurano.
Hi, Steph.
Hello, Jimmy.
Ron, you can hear him.
You can't see him.
Howdy, howdy.
So you know that they pretend MSNBC is a progressive news network.
And then Bernie Sanders came along, and we got to see just how unprogressive they really were.
That they're in the tank For the establishment, whether it be Hillary Clinton or Republic, they're in the bed with the establishment, with Wall Street, Silicon.
They're just like the establishment Democrats, and that's why the establishment Democrats are wiped out from coast to coast.
Okay?
They're wiped out from state houses, Congress, the Senate, the White House.
They're wiped out, right?
And it's because there's no point to them because they're not an opposition party.
They're pro-war.
They're pro-Big Oil.
They're pro-Wall Street.
They're pro-TPP.
They're pro everything wrong.
There's no point.
We need a party that represents people that's for a living wage.
That's pro-environment.
That's anti-war, pro-peace.
That's for living wage, for free college, for single-payer health care.
That's what the Democrats should be fighting for, but they're not.
They give lip service to it, and then they immediately go and implement right-wing policies.
If you watch this show, you know about it.
And so they've been doing this new thing.
The Democrats, instead of in the establishment media, instead of like trying to figure out how the hell did Donald Trump win, how to hell of the Democrats wiped out at every level of government.
Maybe we should do an autopsy, take a hard look for a couple of months.
Every night, we bring people on and we talk about this.
What's wrong?
What's wrong with our country?
They're not doing that.
What are they doing?
They're talking about Russia non-stop.
And they're trying to start a World War III to cover up their own malfeasance and incompetence.
We've showed you this.
Donna Brazil, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, they're trying to literally start a fucking war so people stop talking about what huge incompetence they are and they're trying to save their career.
That's not hyperbole.
So we've been talking about, I can't watch MSNBC anymore.
It disgusts me so much.
So turns out there are some people over at the intercept.
They felt the same way about Rachel Maddow.
And they put this together about how much she talks about Russia.
Let's watch.
And here's the question: Is the new president going to take those troops out in Russia?
Russian Russia.
Russia, Russian Russia.
Russia, of whether or not Russia had help, whether they had Confederates inside the Trump campaign when they launched this attack.
But every day and every day, I lead my show and I think I'm going to be talking about something else.
But every day, over the course of the news cycle, a new piece of it falls in place.
We're about to find out if the new president of our country is going to do what Russia wants.
If the presidency is effectively a Russian op, right?
If the American presidency right now is the product of collusion between the Russian intelligence services and an American campaign.
I mean, that is so profoundly big.
This is not part of American politics.
This is not, you know, partisan warfare between Republicans and Democrats.
This is international warfare.
Okay, it goes on and on.
I have to stop it.
Yes.
I had to stop it right there because, first of all, you remember that movie, Good Night and Good Luck?
So it was about Edward Armuro, and it was about how he stood up against the Red Scare, right?
The McCarthyism, the smearing.
Yep.
So that was a great movie.
And it showed how just how something like that, a red fever, can take over a whole country.
And it was a while before people stood up to them.
And they red-scared people and teachers and unions and actors and writers were blacklisted.
So if Rachel Maddow, if you saw her obsession with Russia like that, so when she goes to see a movie like Good Night and Good Luck, I think she gets confused on who the bad guys are and who the good guys are.
She's like sitting there going, no, you're supposed to go after the Russians.
No, no, you should have a committee.
You should smear people with innuendo.
Why are they confronting that poor patriot?
He's doing the this is the end.
When does he win?
Yeah.
So here's a little bit more of her against our country.
Okay, so that was the end of it.
Thank God.
If Rachel got a dollar every time she said Russia, she'd be pretty close to her 30 grand a day salary.
She'd be pretty close.
She wouldn't even need that.
So the Intercept did this article.
It's great because I've been saying that it's not just that they're bad.
They're doing bad journalism.
It's that they're actively becoming a menace to our country.
Rachel Maddow is a menace to our country and the Intercept caught onto it too.
She's stoked.
She's fanning the flames for fucking war.
That's what that was, what we just saw.
It's not, by the way, it's not an act of international warfare.
No one thinks so, except people like her, a Rhodes scholar who can't spew enough propaganda in defense of the establishment Democrats and the corporatists that own her.
Well, the Intercept caught onto it.
So here, here they go.
It says, The Intercept conducted a quantitative study of all 28 Rachel Maddow episodes in the six-week period between February 20th and March 31st.
Russia-focused segments accounted for 53% of these broadcasts.
That's amazing with all the stuff that's going on.
We got how many wars we're in right now?
Flint, Michigan.
People still don't have health care.
They tried to take health care away.
These dropped the biggest.
Anyway, 53% of her broadcasts are about Russia.
That figure is conservative, by the way, excluding segments where Russia was discussed, but wasn't the overarching topic.
While proof of collusion with Moscow could well emerge and could topple Trump's presidency, the quote, above all else focus on Russia lacks concrete supporting evidence.
We've talked about that.
Either of Russia hacking and cyber disinformation impacting the vote's outcome or of the Trump's campaign's complicity with it.
So what they're saying is, yeah, if there was proof of this collusion or something, it might bring Trump down.
But over and over and over and over again, here we are now, freaking April.
We're now six months after the goddamn election, right?
Six months.
And there's still no proof.
Well, how long is this going to go on?
In fact, journalist Matt Taibbi calls this an exercise of conspiratorial mass hysteria.
That's absolutely appropriate at this point.
I mean, it's just.
And these people have the balls to point their finger at anybody else on the internet as being conspiratorial wackadoos.
Matt Taibbi's pointing the finger at you, Rachel Maddow.
He's saying this is an exercise of conspiratorial mass hysteria.
This muddies the waters for a sober, credible investigation of Russia's actions.
But that is the least of its consequences.
Democrats have avoided constructive introspection on their seismic election loss by blaming the Kremlin.
Yes, it's obvious that's what they're doing.
They'd rather talk about anything.
Jordan Cheriton, who got down in Brazil's face, he revealed that that's what they're doing.
They don't want to talk about what's in the emails.
They want to talk about everything else.
Anti-Russia sentiment threatens to turn into rank xenophobia and escalate tensions with a nuclear armed power.
That's what Rachel Maddow, you just saw her do.
And most critically, for a vital news source like Maddow's show, every moment devoted to scrutinizing Trump's alleged Russian ties deflects attention from his administration's actual priorities.
In 16 of 28 episodes analyzed, think about that.
More than 50% of the episodes analyzed, Russia compromised either all or a substantial part of the A-block, the show's headlining and far lengthiest segment, which often amounts to nearly half the frickin show, excluding commercials.
You know how Rachel's show works.
She starts out and she says something, then she says it over and over again for about 25 minutes.
Maddow's foremost concern has been alleged Trump-Moscow collusion, which she has repeatedly suggested has continued beyond the election.
Here she is on March 9th.
This is a quote from Rachel Maddow.
What's getting to be, I think, particularly unsettling is that simultaneously, we are number one, nailing down more direct connections between the Trump campaign and the Russian government at the time the Russian government was influencing our election.
Number two, at the same time, we are also starting to see what may be signs of continuing influence in our country.
Not just during the campaign, but during this administration.
Basically, signs of what could be a continuing operation.
This is Red spaiting bullshit at a million miles an hour.
Isn't that kind of gross?
That's like even over the top for, I mean, and for Glenn Beck, that would be over the top.
Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm saying.
Like, you hear these supposed progressive outlets that they do sound like right-wing, and they're throwing around, like, are you going to be a patriot and stand up to this?
Yes.
Here's something I am still trying to wrap my head around.
All right, let's say you're in the camp where you can't let go the Clinton loss.
You refuse to look at the faults of the Democrats.
And Rachel Maddow at one point was like, this is something really big.
You know something else that's really big?
The fact that we have so many situations in this country where the popular vote winner isn't the person that sits in the seat.
That's something really big due to an archaic system that has roots in slavery.
That's something really big.
Why not talk about that?
Why not the Democrats, if they had a platform in the first place, put that in the platform that, hey, it's time to get rid of the Electoral College?
And how about the corporate media spend some time talking about that bogus system?
I should just end the segment right now because you nailed it, Ron, because that's exactly it.
Imagine if Rachel Maddow, instead of spending 53% of her time talking about the Red Scare, talked about how bullshit the Electoral College was and how she brought on someone every night to talk about how we need to get rid of this and maybe raise awareness.
But they don't want to get rid of it.
They nobody cares.
And it'll happen again, and then she'll talk about something else that doesn't have anything to do with anything.
Imagine that, Ron.
Imagine if they put the energy, the Democratic Party put the energy, at least into getting rid of the Electoral College.
They're not doing anything.
Yeah.
And they would sweep in 2018.
Because, I mean, I think if more people, it's not talked about often enough.
If more people realize how ridiculous it is.
It's never, you're right.
And it's a holdover from white slave owners wanting to keep the power in the hands of white guys.
Somebody has to keep telling Rachel Maddow that James Bond was not a documentary series.
So they go on.
They go on.
They say Maddow has acknowledged that allegations of Trump-Russia collusion are unverified.
She's acknowledged that.
But she has ignored claims that cast them in a more skeptical light.
For instance, James Clapper, the former director of national intelligence, told NBC News on March 5th that the U.S. intelligence has, quote, no evidence of collusion between Trump and Russia.
We showed you that video on the show.
On March 15th, former CIA director and Hillary Clinton surrogate Michael Morrell said, there is smoke, but there is no fire at all.
He said that about Trump and Russia.
Now, look, the next line is important because it's written in red.
That's how you know it's important.
Thank you.
It says, those statements have gone unmentioned on Rachel Maddow's show.
Those statements have gone unmentioned.
Isn't that weird?
Why would you do that?
What the hell's wrong with her?
I mean, really, what's wrong with her?
Like, she's losing her mind.
Like, it's not even close.
Like, the Intercept did this article that you can't believe how long this article was about.
And they had millions of examples.
Well, we'll go through some of them.
On March 7th, WikiLeaks published documents exposing cyber tools used by the CIA to penetrate cell phones and other devices.
We covered that on the show, right?
So WikiLeaks revealed, hey, if you want to know what, they're listening to you through your TV.
And they can hack your thing and they let us all, and they let us know.
Two days later, Rachel Maddow blamed Putin for that.
Reminding viewers that Wikileaks had released the Podesta emails, Maddow asked, and this is Maddow talking here.
She says, consider what the other U.S. agency is besides the State Department that Putin most hates.
What?
I'll read that to you again.
She says, consider what the other U.S. agency is besides the State Department that Putin most hates.
So what other part of the U.S. government besides the State Department does Putin also hate?
That's what she's saying.
That Putin most feels competitive with, that Putin most wants to beat.
It's the CIA, right?
Spy versus SPY.
Putin is ex-KGB.
He's an ex-FSB officer.
Smart observers say this is the largest dump of classified CIA material maybe ever.
And it really could be a devastating blow to the CIA cyber war and flat-out spying capabilities.
And that dump was released by WikiLeaks.
Maddow omitted the widely circulated reports that U.S. intelligence officials believed that the CIA's own fucking contractors were behind the cyber tool leak.
Not Putin.
But somebody from inside the CIA leaked that.
Oh, and another story that we covered on this show, unless Maddow has proof that Putin appointed the new head of the FCC.
It's not Putin's fault, some of the cybersecurity issues we're going to have in this country coming up.
That's not on him.
That's on Trump and the new FCC.
Here's another issue they mentioned.
A popular internet theory posits that RT, formerly Russia Today, the Russian TV station, the Kremlin-funded television network, had advanced knowledge.
So there's a theory that RT, that TV network, the Russian TV network, had advanced knowledge of WikiLeaks' release of the hacked Podesta emails.
Oh, go on.
The claim is based on RT's Twitter account reporting the release 19 minutes before WikiLeaks' Twitter counted.
Here's what Rachel Maddow said about this.
So let's remember what this is, right?
So the whole accusation of how Russia influenced our election, when people say, oh, Russia hacked our election, it makes people think that they somehow got into our voting machines and flip votes.
But what they're referring to is that someone hacked into John Podesta's email account.
They got all his emails.
He was the head of Hillary Clinton's campaign.
He was running her campaign.
And then they released those WikiLeaks, released those emails.
So that's the whole - that's how Russia hacked into our election.
That's the accusation.
They've never been able to prove that it was Russia.
And isn't that weird?
They have every email, every text, every phone call that anybody in the United States and outside have ever, ever, ever, ever given or used or sent.
Yet they still don't have, they can't provide us with evidence.
Six months later, after the election.
So that, so let's remember that's what's going on.
That's what this is all about.
So when they say Russia hacked into our election, they mean they got John Podesta's emails and revealed.
So that's another, if anybody else did it, it would be called journalism.
If anyone else did it, that's called journalism.
So here's what Rachel Maddow said: that WikiLeaks tweeted out about the John Podesta emails before that RT tweeted out before WikiLeaks did.
That wasn't, isn't that?
Oh, no, wait.
Yeah, RT's Twitter.
That RT's Twitter account reported before WikiLeaks did.
They must be in collusion.
So here's what Rachel Maddow said about it.
Russian state television was magically able to tweet about the next release of John Podesta emails.
The sixth release of John Podesta emails, even before WikiLeaks released them.
Russia today, how did you know it was coming?
That's what Rachel Maddow said.
How did you know?
Again, all this innuendo, exactly like the shit they did with McCarthyism.
It's all innuendo.
But this is the intercept says, but RT answered that question months earlier before Rachel ever asked it.
And what was their answer to that query?
That the Podesta emails appeared on the WikiLeaks website before WikiLeaks got around to tweeting about it.
So lots of reporters were going to the Wikileaks website to check out their stuff.
And they had released that stuff on their website and somebody at RT saw it.
So it was already available on their WikiLeaks website.
It wasn't like they didn't, they just hadn't tweeted about it yet.
Rachel Maddow responds.
Oh.
Man, that's almost as big of a scoop as that tax return she got.
That's right up there.
Man.
That's right up there with that tax return that made Trump look like a Boy Scout.
Is the new president going to take those troops out?
Putin may blackmail Trump into withdrawing U.S. forces from Europe.
That's another thing Rachel Maddow said.
On January 17th, Maddow opened her broadcast by noting the parallels between Vladimir Putin's political assent and former British spy Christopher Steele's just disclosed dossier asserting that Russia has compromising details on Donald Trump's sex life.
Now, you remember this?
This was the big thing about him the peeing, the Russian hookers, all that, the peeing.
Remember all that stuff?
The golden shower.
That's that dossier.
Now, Rachel Maddow, we showed you on our show, she brought on Richard Engel, their foreign correspondent, who's super respected and actually goes to these places to report.
He came out and said, Rachel, this doesn't even rise to the level of rumor.
This isn't even an accusation, he said.
This isn't even an accusation.
This is basically a rumor that you're reporting full-throated.
And what was Rachel's response to him?
She dismissed it.
She said, Yeah, well, it doesn't have to be true to blackmail somebody.
No, that's the whole point of a blackmail.
It has to be true.
Otherwise, it's just like defamation.
Otherwise, it's just a smear.
It's a smear.
It's a regular smear.
They could say it about anybody.
So the intercept caught onto Rachel's bullshit, just like we've been caught on for quite a while.
How Vladimir Putin stopped being just a KGB guy and got political power in the first place was by producing, this is Rachel talking, was by producing at just the right time and in just the right way, just the right sex tape to use for political purposes.
That's what Rachel Maddow said.
Maddow then discussed the increase of U.S. troops near Russia's border during President Obama's last days in office.
So if you don't know, NATO and the United States are ramping up.
We're being very provocative.
We're ramping up our troops all around Russia.
We've talked about this on the show.
It's highly irresponsible.
It's threatening to Russia, and it's putting us on the brink of World War III.
The Kremlin is furious about it, about our ramp up bringing troops around Russia's border.
The Kremlin is furious about it, Maddow said.
Russia hates it, but our allies, they say they want it.
And so with Trump about to enter the White House, Maddow had this to say: Here's the question: Is the new president going to take those troops out?
After all, the speculation, after all the worry, we are actually about to find out if Russia maybe has something on the new president.
So what she's saying, well, let me finish her quote.
We are about to find out if the new president of our country is going to do what Russia wants once he's commander-in-chief of the U.S. military starting noon on Friday.
What is he going to do with those deployments?
Watch this space.
Seriously.
So she's saying that if Trump tries to de-escalate tensions with Russia, he's a puppet.
That's what a fucking news person's saying.
And it's so egregious that the intercept noticed it and did a whole goddamn article on it.
And it's so egregious that I've been talking about it for a long time.
These people don't give a shit.
Rachel Maddow doesn't care if she starts World War III, apparently.
Sorry?
It's good for ratings.
It's good for rating.
Her ratings are through the roof, by the way.
Rachel Maddow's ratings are through the roof.
You think she's going to stop red baiting now?
Hey, this isn't hyperbole.
This is the most irresponsible, unbelievably gun-wretching garbage journalism I've ever fucking seen.
I can't imagine anything worse than this.
I can't.
Can you, Ron?
No, and I think something else that's interesting to point out, Noam Chomsky pointed this out on Democracy Now.
There's a very self-defeatist element to this when these people are saying, we're the resistance, and then it's like Russia, Russia, Russia, Russia.
We're the resistance because Russia did this.
You're actually parroting something that many see as one of the few positives in Trump.
The fact that they don't want World War III and the fact that, okay, well, you know, we're getting along a little bit better with this group.
Sure, Putin's not a good guy, but that's better than a war.
A lot of people see that as like one of the few positives.
That's the good thing about Trump was that he was talking about de-escalating.
And this is Rachel Maddow saying if he de-escalates tension with Russia, he's a puppet.
That's fucking McCarthyism on steroids.
And she's considered smart, and she's considered a lefty, and she's given $30,000 a day to start a war for the military-industrial complex and to give cover to the establishment Democrats.
Rachel Meadow is a goddamn menace to this country right now.
And that's, I'm not kidding.
Do you think I'm kidding?
No, I was just going to say the sad thing is, in the past, she's done some brilliant work, which we've mentioned.
I mean, this has been a huge fall from Grace and something that I would have never expected.
Ever.
I would have expected her to be one of the good guys till the end.
You would expect.
You would expect.
But guess what?
A real progressive came along and revealed all those $30,000 a day millionaires at MSNBC to be what they are.
They are the tools of the plutocrats manufacturing consent.
And it got revealed.
That's why I have a goddamn show.
Because of how horribly they fucking handled Bernie Sanders and revealed themselves.
That's why the Young Turks got 4.4 million viewers on Election Day.
Because people saw how shitty they covered Bernie Sanders.
Oh, by the way, as of this writing, Trump has not withdrawn troops.
So I guess he's not a Kremlin puppet then, Rachel?
Is that okay?
He's ramping up.
Is that good?
He's bombing.
Is that good?
So now he's not a puppet.
So to prove to you that he's not a puppet, he has to bomb them and keep ramping up World War III tensions.
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Thank you for doing that.
Now let's get on to the second half.
Hey, we got Sean Spicer on the phone.
Hey, Sean.
Hello?
Yeah.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome.
Before I take questions, I have a few announcements.
The president and First Lady had a very successful annual Easter egg roll at the Northern White House this weekend.
Here is a rundown of the events.
8.15 a.m.
The morning meeting began.
The morning began when a man dressed as a giant bunny arrived and started reading storybooks to the children on the White House lawn.
8.30 a.m.
After that man was finally apprehended, the popular PBS character Elmo came out to entertain the kids until his funding ran out.
8.45 a.m., the children were led into the reading nook where Jared Kushner gave a TED talk on trench warfare.
9 a.m., thousands of excited children were let loose on White House crowns and search of eggs.
Frankly, they were just searching for food of any kind.
9.05 a.m., Attorney General Jeff Sessions sat down to read the book, It's Not Easy Being a Bunny to an enraptured audience.
And he went out to meet the children.
11 a.m., in the normal performance of the duties, a raid was conducted upon the egg rolling grounds by ICE officials.
And since no one was left to bust the tables, we had to bring back the pervert in the bunny suit.
We'll take a few questions.
Yeah, but how many eggs were rolled?
Preliminary counts are in, and we can now say with confidence that more eggs were rolled last weekend than in any previous egg rolling ever in history of mankind, dating back 6,000 years, approximately.
Before 6,000 years ago, there was a void.
There was only darkness, and nothing existed.
So no eggs then.
Got it.
I take at least 3 million more than President Obama's Easter egg rolling.
If you could see the before and after aerial photos, you'll understand.
But you're stupid and you refuse to see.
So next question.
But I can't see any photos because we're speaking on a phone, Sean.
I thought I'd cover that subject, Jimmy.
I think American people would like to move on, as who were people once said.
My people?
Yes, the Jews.
When they were being gassed by Adolph Hitler, move on, they said.
Or it's to that effect.
Hitler, by the way, only gas people indoors inside of a building.
Assad gas people outdoors.
Big difference.
I have before and after crowd photos.
But I'm not Jewish.
And what made you think I'm Jewish, Sean?
Is that a follow-up question or a brand new question?
I think it's a brand new question, so I'm not going to answer your follow-up.
Here's the facts.
Over 18 million eggs were rolled at the Northern White House.
There were so many leftovers, we had to pickle them in a giant vat with Steve Bannon's liver.
Very exciting.
I have aerial photos.
Very historical event.
Any further questions?
Not really.
I didn't want to talk with you in the first place.
Okay, now looking ahead, today the president will continue his Buy American Hire American agenda while visiting with the CEO of Snap on Tools.
Another example of an American company with American workers with a dirty sounding name.
Tomorrow, the president will sign the Veterans Choice Program Extensions and Improvement Act.
And what will that do?
Absolutely nothing.
And on Thursday, the Prime Minister of Italy will be here for an awkward handshake.
I have time for one more interrogative.
Does the president have a red line when it comes to North Korea?
As you know, Jimmy, the president to stop leaving red lines, but he will put his foot down.
And when will he put his foot down?
When they cross the red line.
Some of you have criticized me for repeatedly mispronouncing the word nuclear as nuclear.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Nuclear has always sounded that way.
From now on, I will answer no questions on the nuclear question unless you say nuclear.
Right.
You understand?
I will continue to provide updates as they warrant throughout your life.
So I met a guy last week whose mind was almost figuratively blown when I had to inform him that we were actually arming and funding ISIS and al-Qaeda terrorists in Syria.
What?
And called me a conspiracy theorist, called me.
People love to call you Alex Jones now.
People love to, as soon as they don't like what you're saying, they call you a conspiracy theorist, or they'll call you.
Which, of course, is very flattering.
He's your favorite comedian.
So he is my favorite performance artist.
There's no one even a close second.
And so I just want to show you a fun article from last year.
So we're in Syria at the behest of Saudi Arabia and Qatar, who offered to pay for it.
Meaning, hey, if you use your military and get some of your United States citizens killed and you kill a bunch of people in Syria and you overthrow Assad and we can put our pipeline through it, we'll pay all the costs for your military.
They said that.
John Kerry reported that.
That Saudi Arabia had made that offer because he was trying to convince people that they were serious about overthrowing Assad.
So why do I tell you all this?
This is from last year.
This is from March 27th, 2016.
I just thought, I found this article.
I thought it was interesting.
It says, in Syria, militias armed by the Pentagon fight those armed by the CIA.
So not only are we trying to knock off Assad, and we're supposed to be fighting Al-Qaeda and El-Nusra and ISIS, but now part of the terrorists that we're funding are fighting each other.
Not only are the Syrian army fighting the terrorists that we're in bed with, that we're supposed to be fighting, but then the people who are supposed to be fighting are now fighting each other.
Well, here we go.
Here's some of that.
Says Syrian militias armed by different parts of the U.S. war machine have begun to fight each other on the plains between the besieged city of Aleppo and the Turkish border, highlighting how little control the United States intelligence officers and military planners have over the groups they have financed and trained in the bitter five-year-old civil war.
So these same Jagoffs who destabilized the Middle East on purpose, gave us an occupying force in Afghanistan for two decades almost now, overthrew Saddam Hussein, turned that into a state that's more friendly and more influenced by Iran.
Did the same thing in Libya, turned that into a haven for terrorists, failed state.
Now they want to do the same thing in Syria.
They have no idea how to fix the stuff afterward.
We're still in Iraq.
We're still trying to fix our goof up in Iraq because we did that.
Because we did what we were trying to do in Syria.
We're still what they're trying to do in Syria, we already did in Iraq and Libya, and we're still trying to clean it up.
13 years later, we're still trying to clean it up.
And you know how we clean it up, bombs.
That's how you fix stuff, bombs.
So the fighting has intensified over the last two months as CIA armed units and Pentagon armed ones have repeatedly shot at each other while maneuvering through contestants.
Come on, that's funny.
Come on.
No one else thinks that's funny.
You guys don't think that's funny?
Yeah, I do.
I do.
That's funny.
Especially when you are able to see it in this.
It's troubling.
In mid-February, a CIA armed militia called Fersan Al-Hik, or Knights of Righteousness.
Sounds like gangs now in LA.
The Knights of Righteousness was run out of town, run out of the town of Maria, about 20 miles north of Aleppo, by Pentagon-backed Syrian Democratic forces moving in from Kurdist-controlled areas to the east.
The attacks by one U.S.-backed group against another come amid continuing heavy fighting in Syria and illustrate the difficulty facing U.S. efforts to coordinate among dozens of armed groups that are trying to overthrow the government of President Bashar Assad.
Fight the Islamic State militant group and battle one another all at the same time.
The CIA, meanwhile, has its own operations center inside Turkey from which it has been directing aid to rebel groups in Syria.
Providing them with tow anti-take missiles from Saudi Arabian weapons stockpiles.
It's like a really, really bad soap opera, only it's not a soap opera.
It's a war, so much worse.
And it's just like at the end of it, they're going to be like, wait, you're sleeping with the United States?
We're sleeping with the United States, but I thought we were sleeping with the United States.
And it's like, yeah, this is what happens when it's been going on for five years.
This is like if Gilligan ran a war.
Wait a minute, you're funding the El Nusra.
We'll funding the Al-Qaeda.
You're funding the ISIS.
We'll funding the Leban front.
So there you go.
While the Pentagon's actions are part of an overt effort by the U.S. and its allies against Islamic State, the CIA's backing of militias is part of a separate covert U.S. effort aimed at keeping pressure on the Assad government in hopes of prodding the Syrian leader to the negotiating table.
They don't want him to come to the negotiating table.
They want to get rid of him.
Anyway, that's just funny.
That's from last year.
That's from March last, 2016.
That's pure comedy.
You know, that's, when I grew up, they used to say things like, when you say, oh, what's an oxymoron?
They would say military intelligence.
That was like a saying when I grew up.
People would say that.
What's an oxymoron?
Military intelligence.
But now all of a sudden, oh, we got the military.
We better start bombing everyone.
CIA said, and Russia, and then we got the gas, and we know exactly what we're doing this time, boy.
Sure, we made a mistake in Iraq and killed a million people.
Sure, we made a mistake in Libya, and we turned it into a failed state.
Sure, we make mistakes.
Sure, we're still in Afghanistan 18 years.
Sure.
Sure, we set the world on fire.
Who cares?
We've changed this time.
We're different now.
So I just wanted to remind everybody that the Pentagon-funded terrorists were fighting the CIA-funded terrorists in Syria.
And it just goes to show you what little control the American intelligence has over what happened.
You think we can't even bring clean water to fucking flint, Michigan.
You think we're going to be able to sort out the shit in Syria?
Jesus H. And by the way, again, this will be another one of those videos.
The advertisers don't want me to talk about it like this.
They're very cool with how CNN and MSNBC talks about this stuff.
And I'm sure there were ads in the Los Angeles Times where this article came from.
But they know nobody reads the paper.
So they don't.
Is that, I don't know.
So what do you, what is name, Steph, what do you think about that?
You know, every time I see any of this, I keep thinking, why are we in the Middle East?
Why are we there?
So it's crazier than you think, right?
So it's much worse than people think.
And it doesn't make me...
I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but people, if I tell people this, they'll go, what are you, a conspiracy theorist?
Yeah, I am.
I've been reading the L.A. Times.
Yeah, I've been getting my information straight from the L.A. Times because I'm.
Which is funded by the Kremlin.
Oh, that's a puppets, puppets of the Kremlin.
You can't trust them.
So lots of these stories actually do sneak into the press.
You know, like the story about the Clinton Foundation getting hundreds, getting millions of dollars from the Russian Kremlin Bank and the money pouring in over that plutonium deal that Hillary and Bill helped set up for Russia to take over 20% of the plutonium production in United States.
So that actually appeared in the New York Times, too.
It's just what they emphasize.
So the way propaganda works, George Bush told us that, is you have to keep launching it over and over and over.
So like this story, that's a one and done with the LA Times.
They're in, they're out.
That's not the front page story every day.
Hey, why are we doing this?
Why do we keep funding our terrorist people we're supposed to be fighting?
That's not the story.
The story is butcher, butcher, butcher, Assad, butcher, and he's killing his own people.
We have to help.
That's the story that's told over and over, not this story.
So it's all on what you need to want to focus.
You know, Mortzall used to come on talk shows in the 70s, and he would bring up a stack of newspapers, and he would tell people, it's all in the newspaper.
Here it is right here.
Here's there.
And he would show you, but nobody, but it's not on the front page.
It's on page 18.
It's back there.
And it's not every day.
And they don't put it.
You know what should be the headline on the New York Times every day?
45 million Americans live in poverty in the richest country in the world.
Hey, 33,000 people die from lack of health care every year.
How many people?
I don't even know if that's the accurate number.
So there you go.
And you wonder why people turn to YouTube to get their news.
Transcription by CastingWords I wonder who this is.
Hello?
Hi, everybody.
It's me.
Miss me yet?
Wow.
It's former presidential primary loser Jeb Bush, who has also had to repeat the ninth grade and smoked a lot of pot and has shees during high school.
Hi, Governor.
Why do you people always have to repeat that stuff?
Will you please stop with that?
I've done a lot of important gooder stuff in my life.
Ha!
You mean when you signed the stand your ground law?
Yeah, well, okay, that didn't turn out that well, sure.
Like gutting civil service protection for thousands of jobs?
privatizing Florida's Medicaid program?
Look, Mr. Negative, I don't recall her name, but I do recall keeping that woman's womb alive in case Jesus needed further use of it.
It's all about choosing life, Jimmy.
Please clap.
And you also executed 21 people during your term.
They were all bad people.
One was so bad we had to execute him twice.
Think about that.
And you vetoed high-speed rail in Florida.
I've always believed it should take as long to get across Florida as it takes to execute someone.
You don't believe in climate change.
I'm rich, you moron.
And remember that one time you called yourself a joyful tortoise?
It seemed like the right thing to say at the time.
What time was that?
I think we just lost our 50th primary or something.
What are you getting at, Dorr?
Is this really what we want to reash old scores?
Aren't we better than that?
I'll give credit where it's due, Jeb.
You did come out against Trump and say he shouldn't be saying the things he's been saying.
I said that like a month ago.
How come nobody noticed?
Because you're kind of boring, Governor.
Hey, you should really come visit the Bush compound and Kenny Bunk, poor Jimmy.
Just me and mom and dad and then brother George walking the hallways alone, always alone.
Study how the murky afternoon light manages to focus on the scaly surfaces of his ghostly paintings.
The harsh winters of southern Maine.
A mile or two away, someone sets fire to a barn.
A methouse explodes.
A man's goat dies in his bedroom.
Outside, millions of deer ticks hibernate.
They lie in wait for the short summer ahead when hordes of New Yorkers invade the lowlands.
Their touchy silken thighs and privates will soon team with the life of countless tick eggs bearing the gift of Lyme disease.
But until then, the howling Arctic winds pierce your lonely undergarments at night.
You awake and the relentless cycle repeats.
And just like before, you recline, drowning, suffocating in self-doubt.
Same as before.
Same as always.
Living the moment, Jimmy.
Hey, sounds great, Jeb.
Keep in touch, buddy.
Well do.
Thanks for reminding everybody why I suck.
*BEEP*
Jimmy Door, you probably heard rumors that Fox News is telling me, Leave.
That it's all over between us.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Your network and I are still very much in love.
We both just agreed to take a little break from each other, that's all.
You know, to work things out.
Doesn't mean we don't love you anymore.
Bill O'Reilly just needs to spend some quality time alone with his lawyers who love me for who I am.
By The way it's not your fault.
So get that thought out of your little head right now, okay?
No spin there.
You know, there's more to that phone call, but we are out of time.
Want to hear the full phone call?
Become a premium member.
You can join the premium today.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
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And if you pay for the full year all at once, you get a month free.
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If you don't want to do the PayPal thing, we also offer a Patreon now.
You can become a patron.
YouTube pulled the rug out from underneath us.
So now we're really counting on the support from our listeners and viewers.
You can go to Patreon and become a patron today.
That's patreon.com/slash Jimmy Dore.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Jim Earle, Robert Yesemara, Steph Semarano, Jimmy Dore, and myself, Ron Placone.
All voices were done by Mike McRae, who can be found on the web at mikemcray.com.
Got a lot of live shows coming up.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com to learn more about that.
May 22nd, we will be at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank.
And June 10th, we will be at Zaney's in Rosemont, Illinois, just outside of Chicago.
To find more information on that, you can go to the Zaney's website at zany's.com or of course our website, jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And we will have some more show updates coming up very soon.
Got a lot of dates in the works.
So stay tuned for more updates.
There's going to be a lot of them.
This is Ron Placone.
You've been listening to The Jimmy Dore Show.
Do not freak out.
I'm not going to not freak out.
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You are now, now, rocking with that, that, that, that, that, that I give.
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Freak out.
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