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March 24, 2017 - Jimmy Dore Show
56:58
20170324_TJDSPodcast0323
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
The Jimmy Dore Show!
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Thumb-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, T-Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hey, what's coming up on today's Jimmy Dore show?
Well, we're going to have phone calls from Arnold, Liam Nees, Arnold Schwarzenegger, that is.
Liam Neeson, Chris Christie, and Reince Priebus call in.
Plus, we're going to have some more great stuff from our live show.
We had a live show on Monday, so I'm going to check that out.
Plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore show.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Jimmy Dora.
Jimmy Dora.
Hey, it's hey, it's Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It's me, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Yeah, I just said that.
It must be this crazy satellite delay here and everything.
There's no satellite delay, Governor.
Maybe there is, and maybe there isn't, Jimmy Dora.
Well, we're always glad when you call, Governor.
Jimmy Dora, I want to say to everyone that I am not okay with Donald Trump being president, okay?
Well, yeah, you've made that pretty well known.
But, Jimmy, I wanted to be super clear.
When the revolution comes and they're beheading people in the streets and these sorts of things, that I was not okay with Donald Trump.
Okay?
Yeah, I don't think any of that's going to happen, Governor.
People should know I'm one of the good Republicans who's like, how about we don't poop on the environment with the air to breathe and the water and things?
Yeah, you've got a pretty good record on the environment.
And I was like, how about we don't get poor at all the Mexicans who look so sexy when they're cleaning a house there?
I don't recall.
I don't recall you using those exact words, bud.
And then there was a third thing in the air that I did that was also pretty not bad, but I can't remember what it was.
Governor, you sound really worried.
Jimmy Dore, Playmore will strike.
What?
It's available in the App Store.
Are you doing an ad?
You press buttons on your phone, and all of these planes and tanks come out of it.
And there's all these explosions, and it's crazy.
I think that's just the commercial you're in, Governor.
I'm pretty sure it's just a game inside your phone.
It's real, Jimmy.
I'm sitting here watching me right now on the TVs, and it's totally happening.
Did you know I'm a general in the army?
So you've been talking to the president about his approval ratings, huh?
Yes, his approval ratings are very not good, and I find that humorous there.
It's like he was unpleasant to me about my ratings, and now his ratings are bad.
Only it's much worse because he's president, and people hate him.
It's very funny, except for the Pathways president.
So, Governor, there's speculation you might run for U.S. Senate.
Yeah, that's something I might do, you know.
I don't know.
I mean, I've got a lot of illegitimate kids no one knows about yet.
So that might be a problem.
Also, I'm drunk a lot these days.
It makes it hard to concentrate on stuff like reading and laws.
Yeah, I could see where that might be a problem.
Jimmy, I have to go.
I just came out of my blackout when I was talking to you just now, and I'm covered in my own sick here.
So I got to clean it up or drink more.
Okay, Governor, it's great to talk to you.
Jesus Christ, do I own a mop?
I should buy a mop and keep it with the booze.
I'm a genius!
Everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
I'm here with Jim Earl, the miserable liberals here, Ron Placone somewhere too.
Hopefully, you'll hear him laughing.
I don't know if you heard, but we bombed another hospital in Aleppo in the United States military.
Let me just say the only way Americans could kill more innocent civilians would be if they were to make drones out of corn syrup.
We eat a lot of corn syrup.
That's what that joke's about, right, Jim?
It's bad for your health.
Yep, that sure is bad.
Chronic disease and stuff like that.
Did you know, interesting note?
Do you know Trump's social media director is his former caddy?
Did you know that?
Yeah, and also his current caddy is his former ball washer.
Do you see on St. Patrick's Day, the Irish politician?
Was it the Prime Minister of Ireland who was giving a speech about how great immigration is?
Trump had a standard.
Let me just say, I can't wait for the upcoming awkward facial expression montage of every foreign leader Trump gets to creep out.
That would be fantastic.
Because he does that.
You know, I've always wished for the gift of time travel.
Really?
Have you, Jim?
Oh, often.
I would want to go into the future.
I don't want to go into the past.
A lot of people want to go into the past to fix things, but I don't want to go into the past because the worst thing about going into the past would be having to relive your friend's Austin Powers impressions.
Am I right?
Yeah, baby.
Hey, behave.
Is that a good one?
Oh, behave.
And now some great quotes from CNN's RussiaGate news team.
We don't know yet what we don't know yet.
And that was great quotes from CNN's Russia Gate news team.
That's good.
Those are good.
That's a good joke.
I just want to say happy birthday to America's War on Terror.
are now 16 years into inflicting terror around the world with our war on terror.
*clap clap clap clap* So the Democrats are lost.
They're wiped out at every level.
We've talked about this.
And, you know, you would say leading the Democrats would be like hurting squirrels, but let's face it, even squirrels have a certain amount of self-sufficiency.
I mean, the Democrats wouldn't gather, wouldn't even be able to gather food without a donor's approval.
You know that.
So that's why they're wiped out.
And they're pretending like they don't get it.
They don't get why they're wiped out, but they all know why they're wiped out because they don't represent people anymore.
They on purpose decided to turn their backs on working-class people and get in bed with Wall Street, the military-industrial complex, big pharma in Silicon Valley.
So now they became Republicans.
That's supposed to be the party of the Republicans.
So now the Democrats have no, they've got no place to go, which is why lots of them voted for Trump and lots of them didn't vote.
And that or lots of them voted for Jill Stein.
That's what I did.
Because I can't participate in the destruction of the country anymore.
How about that?
All right.
So they asked Nancy Pelosi, who's the leader.
Now, we all know who the leader of the Democratic Party is.
It's Bernie Sanders, even though he's not officially a Democrat.
He is in a leadership position, a jerk-off one.
But he's the most popular politician in the country.
We know that.
Look at the other videos.
By far, he's much more popular than Nancy Pelosi.
That's for sure.
I don't know.
It's only 1,000%.
I might be off, but I think it's 1,000%.
So she's in the running.
I mean, she could catch up, have another good press conference with a college kid where she really shits all over a question, and she might be right there.
Yeah.
So Anderson Cooper asks her, who's the leader of the Democratic Party?
Now, they disappointed Tom Perez, Tom Perez, who's the leader of the DNC.
Hey, what did the Democrats stand for, Tom?
Well, you know, when we lead with our values, it's when we really have to show the transparency of good jobs that we're for and things.
Man, I'm about as likable as her piece of Tom Perez.
Tom Perez.
So here, she asks, he asks, what do you think?
Who's the leader?
The leader of the Democratic Party right now.
Well, President Obama was the president of the United States until just a matter of weeks ago.
I don't think that he can be dismissed as the leader of the Democratic Party, a Hillary Clinton.
Obama.
Obama, you know, the guy who's not in office anymore and has been on vacation since January with his family.
He's the leader.
I guess that explains a lot.
Hillary and Hillary Clinton.
She said Hillary Clinton.
Did not win the election, but a respected leader.
Hillary Clinton, she didn't win, but she's such a respected leader.
She lost to Donald Trump.
That's how respected she is.
So who's the leader?
She names one guy who's not in politics anymore, who's been on vacation since January.
And she named someone else who's the second most hated politician in the fucking world.
I don't understand why the Democrats are wiped out.
I don't get it.
I don't understand what's wrong with them.
This is their leader.
This is hilarious how fucking lame this is.
And people like Jimmy, stop bashing the death.
This is still happening.
You just want to ignore this problem?
You just want to ignore it.
This is the leader.
And we should ignore this, right?
So, because this is what's going to beat back Trump and regain the country's confidence, this, watch how she can't even talk.
Like, I don't know what's happening with Nancy Pelosi.
If she has a medical condition, I wish she would tell us because I want to make fun of her.
I think she does have a medical condition.
It's called gin in the morning.
I think she talks like she's drunk all day long.
She really does.
She sounds like I talk smoother when I'm drunk.
Then she talks completely stone sober.
Yeah, I'm not seriously speculating this, okay?
I don't need anyone calling our show conspiracy theorists or anything.
I bet she's drunk.
But she does sound drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and say she's drinking.
You want to go for it?
Well, if she's sober, that's worse.
Let's listen to her.
We have leaders for all different aspects of it.
The Democratic Party is a congressional party, and we have leaders in Congress.
It is a gubernatorial party.
But on the state level, it is a party which has suffered tremendous losses in the last couple of years.
It has, but we have a plan to address that.
So there's not one.
Yeah, we don't have a plan to win, but we have a plan to keep talking about it.
We're going to address it.
Are you going to win?
No.
Well, we're going to keep dressing those things.
We're going to talk it out.
I don't know how you feel about.
She's barely able to put together a coherent sentence here.
Am I wrong?
I don't want to be too hard on her.
I do, but this is a word salary.
You know, we have leaders in the Congress and we have leaders in governors.
It's like, can you just, can you make a point?
You're supposed to be a leader.
This is how someone who, you know, she runs a dry cleaner's and she's being interviewed.
That's how she's a public person who's supposed to be able to rally people around a message.
She's supposed to lead.
Do you see this?
This is how she always is, by the way.
And you know why she's a leader?
Because she's rich and she knows a lot of other rich people who give her lots of money.
That's why she's a leader.
She's not a leader.
She's the opposite of a leader.
Well, because she's led the Democrats to fucking destruction with this goddamn public persona of hers where she can't even talk out her way out of a paper bag.
This is their leader.
And you don't know what the fuck's wrong with your party?
How about she has absolutely clueless what's wrong with this country?
She's clueless what's wrong with her party.
She's clueless what people want and what they need.
She's clueless how to win a fucking election.
And the still we got going on right now really supports that drunk theory, I got to say.
That's, you know.
She can't even speak like a human being.
Well, because I think the reason why she can't really respond to this question is because she's being asked who are the leaders of the Democratic Party?
Who is the leader?
And really what it comes down to, she raises money.
So the leaders are the people in the donor class.
Yes.
Like Bloomberg or Adelson or George Soros.
Those are, who are the leaders?
Those are your leaders.
So she can't really divulge that.
Well, I wouldn't say Sheldon Adelson.
He's a right-wing donor.
But yeah, who are your leaders?
George Soros, David Brock, some other billionaire donors.
She goes on.
Listen to this.
Listen to her try to talk like a person.
Standard bearer for the UC is the leader of the Democratic Party.
We're not in a presidential time.
Just finally.
It's like she's.
She couldn't even think of a campaign.
She couldn't think of election.
We're not in a campaign election.
We're not in a presidential election or presidential campaign.
We're not in a campaign season.
We're not, well, we're not in a, how do I, this is your job.
This is what you do for a fucking living.
She doesn't have to go out and break rocks or clean tables or make bad.
You just have to talk.
You have to talk in public.
You have to articulate a message.
That's what you do for a freaking living.
That's it.
Oh, she also has to distribute money from millionaires.
She does that.
It's like she's on a basketball team, but she can't jump.
I can't jump and I can't shoot.
What else can I do?
I can raise money.
All right.
You're our captain.
Go in.
Go get him.
We lose all the time, but we got great uniforms.
That's actually a really good analogy.
You know, I would say she's the kid that sells the most candy bars that it's like the coach has got to start them.
Like, ah, she's terrible.
Yeah.
But every year, every year, we can afford our uniforms and keep the Lights on.
We got to have, yep, we wouldn't have a gym.
She's got more to say.
You think about 2020 when you think about the next presidential race?
I mean, how do you think Donald Trump is going to make it four years?
Do you think?
I don't know.
It's up to him.
It's up to him if he obeys the law.
It's up to him if he breaks the law.
And if he breaks it, it's up to someone else to stand up to him.
You know what somebody would do typically in this scenario when you're going to be interviewed by a hard-hitting journalist like Anderson Cooper?
That maybe she would have come prepared with what are Democrats about?
What is our platform?
How are we going to make sure that we respond to the needs of the people?
She doesn't.
She has nothing to say about the platform for the Democrats whatsoever.
And that's suspicious.
She never says anything about what we stand for.
Steph, that's what we've been saying all along.
No, she can't even name who the leaders are.
You know, we're not in a presidential time or whatever.
How do you talk?
How do people talk?
How should I be, you know, whatever?
How come I can't stop shaking and newing my if she has a medical condition?
I wish someone would tell me because if she does, she should step down.
Because if you have a medical condition that's getting in your way of fucking communicating your ideas, then you're doing a disservice to the country, which we already know she is.
And I don't want somebody sending me an email.
You know, she has a medical condition.
That's why she can't talk like a normal human being.
Well, if she does, then I feel sorry for her.
Drop out, please.
Yeah, yeah, you can.
Because this is fucking losing.
Go on.
I'm sorry, Ryan.
No, I was just going to say, if she has an issue that she communicates like this, yes, she does need to step down.
The same way that a blind person can't drive a taxi cab.
Right.
But I'm not thinking of 2020.
I'm thinking of 2018, a matter of a year and a half from now, but almost a little more than a year and a half from now, the referendum, the first referendum on Donald Trump will come forward.
Does she have a bag of marbles in her fucking, what is going on with her?
She looks like she's about to offer me a free stress test and then tell me I have too many Phaetons.
And I'm not, I'm, I don't know.
Steph, you tell me.
Am I being too hard on her?
Well, what was the question again?
Like, didn't Anderson Cooper say, you know, are you worried about the upcoming election?
2020.
And it was like, well, you know, right now I'm mostly worried 2018.
But she can't speak in complete sentences.
What's the game plan?
Do you not have a game plan?
No, Steph.
The answer is no.
And you know what, Jimmy?
I'm upset because I thought I was going to be able to watch Tom Perez and Keith Ellison speak to the people on Wednesday.
Turns out they did it on Tuesday.
We're going to talk about that later.
Don't mix stories.
Madam Leader, thank you very much.
My pleasure.
My pleasure.
Well, she got that out.
I'm going to play this all the way through without stopping so everyone can get the feeling that I got when the first time I watched it.
The leader of the Democratic Party right now.
Well, President Obama was the president of the United States until just a matter of a week ago.
I don't think that he can be dismissed as the leader of the Democratic Party.
Hillary Clinton did not win the election, but a respected leader.
But we have leaders for all different aspects of it.
The Democratic Party is a congressional party, and we have leaders in Congress.
It is a gubernatorial party.
But on the state level, it is a party which has suffered tremendous losses in the last couple of years.
It has, but we have a plan to address that.
So there's not one standard bearer that you see as the leader of the Democrats.
Well, we're not in a presidential time.
just finally when you think about 2020 when you think about the next presidential race i mean how do you think donald trump is going to make it four years do you think It's up to him.
It's up to him if he obeys the law.
But I'm not thinking of 2020.
I'm thinking of 2018, a matter of a year and a half from now, but almost a little more than a year and a half from now, the referendum, the first referendum on Donald Trump will come forward.
Madam Leader, thank you very much.
My pleasure.
Okay.
That was rough.
I don't know.
Try complete sentences.
Just see what happens.
Try to speak in a complete sense.
Sarah Palin is more fluent speaking than you are.
I have been to more open mics than I could count as a comedian, and that was rough.
Even I'm saying that was pretty brutal.
And I thought I had seen it all as far as speaking in front of people goes.
That's pretty weak.
That's your leader.
See you later.
Bye.
So here, this is the same paper, by the way, that did this.
Remember this?
Washington Post ran 16 negative stories on Bernie Sanders in 16 hours.
Adam Johnson did that.
And so that, remember that?
You remember that from the primary?
That's Washington Post.
Very liberal.
Very liberal.
By the way, they did a poll recently.
Here's the poll, favorability of politicians and groups.
You saw this, right?
Bernie Sanders, number one.
He has a number one.
Most popular politician or issue in the country.
Which just shows you that if the Democrats were to pull their heads out of their fucking asses and actually have a progressive platform, they would win every goddamn election.
Yes.
So we can shift the country back to the left, and we can have Republicans trying to be more lefty like they did after FDR for 40 years.
And then after Ronald Reagan, Democrats started to try to be more like Republicans.
And that's what leads us to where we're the richest country in the world and half the country is poor in poverty.
That's what that's what that's about.
Right.
So we need to get the people to come back.
We need to have Republicans trying to be more like fucking liberal.
I mean, they used to all defend Social Security anyway.
Harry Truman said this in 1952.
He said, if the Democratic Party, when they start going more towards the center, that fucks them over.
He goes, skip the New Deal.
He said that in 1952.
Google Harry Truman 1952.
Quote, it's unbelievable.
He called it however many years this goes.
Accidentally, I Googled Harry Lumen.
You don't want to see that shit, I'll tell you.
Oh, that is one of the hairiest lumens I've ever seen.
Disgusting.
I couldn't even see the face.
I'm like, there's so much hair.
So the Washington Post, after that showed that Bernie Sanders is bike, by the way, he has a net positive of plus 29.
Now, Nancy Pelosi has a net negative of 17.
But she can raise money, Jimmy.
That's exactly right.
Mitch McConnell, negative 24, and the Democrats still can't fucking beat him.
Just so you know.
So the Washington Post takes that poll, and they say Bernie Sanders remains one of America's most popular politicians.
One of?
I wonder if the other ones are.
Is it Bernie and Anderson, Gunner, and Grimes?
Who is he?
Who is he a neck and neck with?
Is it Hillary Clinton?
Who is he neck and neck with?
Who else is popular like Bernie?
Is it John McCain or Sarah Palin?
Who is popular like Bernie?
So Jordan Sheraton called out the Washington Post and said the Washington Post can't bring itself to say Bernie Sanders is the most popular politician in America.
And they can.
Thank you.
So the dick lick who wrote that article, you know, he's important because he has a blue check.
His name is Philip Bump.
And he responded saying, try holding your breath or show me a poll that includes every politician.
So he's saying that we didn't say he was the most because we didn't include every politician.
As if there's some fucking politician somewhere that we didn't include in the poll that's much more popular than Bernie Sanders.
I don't know if you guys know we didn't put Elvis Presley in that poll.
Michael Jordan's not in that poll.
Paul Jordan is not in that poll.
Neither is Bugs Bunny.
Who the hell are you going to include in that poll?
So that's what that implies.
And that's why you know, again, another mainstream journalist has his head up his ass and is fucking proud of it.
That's what that is.
I do look, I'm a jerk off dare.
And fucking proud of it.
To the point where people tweet his own fucking poll at him.
This is what is in his article.
they tweeted at him And then he responds, good chart.
Yes, the chart that makes you look like the fucking idiot that you are.
And then he responds with, it's with a heavy heart that I must announce that Bernie Bros are ass.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck you.
My girlfriend turned me on to Bernie Sanders.
Well, she's a Bernie bro.
With her man bun and her beard and her.
Exactly.
I didn't want to point that out.
She's always wanting to fight me anytime we argue.
Yes.
Oh, it's so convenient.
They do the.
It's so funny.
They have no clue that they're doing the exact same thing.
Like when they get so bent out of shape, when Trump supporters are just like, you fucking lip tard snowflake, blah, blah, blah.
That's what that is.
They do the exact same thing.
It's the exact same thing.
It's okay.
I just feel sorry for whoever is the girl who has to spread her legs for him.
Because he's getting laid somewhere if he has to pay for it or someone who's feeling sorry for him or whatever.
But someone is.
And he makes.
Say Bernie Brogan.
I can't come if you don't say Bernie, bro.
Oh no!
Yes!
Because you know there's a girl who's having sex with him, and you know she's the whole time she wants to have sex with someone else.
You know that.
What do you think, right?
I'm onto that, right, Wes?
Come on.
You're right.
He's the best straight man on the planet.
This is fantastic.
So somebody got after that guy.
It's this guy, Youssef Nakwibi, said, We dislike you and the Washington Post for lying about Senator Sanders to help Clinton, who lost to Trump.
You gave us President Trump.
And then he follows it up with: the bro spare is a distraction from your failure.
You and your ilk were wrong to insist Clinton could win and Sanders could not.
Thank you.
*Mario's phone rings*
What a nice surprise.
Liam Neeson is calling me.
Hello, Jimmy.
It's me, Liam Neeson.
How did you know it was me?
I call the right D, Liam.
Okay, bye.
Oh, that was rude.
Hello?
Jimmy, you don't know who this is because I've taken precautions to protect my identity by using a burner phone.
Do you understand?
Jesus Christ.
No.
I'm not at liberty to reveal everything I know, but I can tell you this.
You've been the focus of a nine-month investigation by anonymous members of the intelligence community.
What?
Yes.
Are you serious?
You can tell I'm serious because the words intelligence and community are capitalized.
I'm sorry, that is all I know.
Do you know what they're investigating me for?
No, but I do know what they're investigating you for.
Okay, for what?
Colluding with Russia to turn the election against Hillary Clinton.
But that's all I know right now because the investigation is still ongoing for nine months now.
But what did I do?
You were pretty hard on Hillary, Jimmy.
Anonymous sources say that may have pushed Donna Brazil to give Hillary the debate questions, outrage Sanders fans, and demoralize and piss off half the country.
And they have evidence of this?
What?
Evidence.
Proof.
That's exactly the kind of thing a Kremlin puppet would ask, Jimmy.
Be very careful.
No one else hears you say such things.
You'll taint the cherry pool.
But I don't think you meant any harm.
You're just a useful idiot of the Bolsheviks.
This kind of thing runs in your family.
During World War I, your grandfather once asked for Sauerkraut when he knew damn well it was called Victory Cabbage.
He well, I don't think anyone's going to take this seriously unless some real evidence is released.
You haven't heard the worst of it, Jimmy.
In one day, you will receive an anonymous letter advising you to commit suicide.
What an outrageous and disgusting thing for them to do.
Oh, they didn't write it.
I did.
Why?
I saw your appearance on last comic standing.
I just thought you might want to do the right thing, you know, for your family.
This is un-American.
I don't think I've ever spoken with a Russian except maybe on Pornhub.
Collusion is a very serious crime, Jimmy, which is why it's taking so long to investigate you.
Just like the Republicans did with Hillary Clinton.
And that turned out well.
But what about all the horrible stuff I've done that there's proof for?
Like what?
Like those hitchhikers in Fresno.
Look, anybody can lose his temper.
Okay, but what about the time I sold the Exxon Bell D's that defective radar?
You were just a young comic trying to supplement his income.
But I once let the Koch brothers stay at my house.
It's not your fault that the Airbnb profile didn't list oligarchy among their hobbies.
But I once lived on an island and hunted humans for sport.
It was in all the papers.
I have supporting documents.
Was it a Russian island?
No, it was Key West.
Then you're fine.
That's all part of their lively nightlife and exciting beach.
Well, what do you advise me to do?
It's every man for himself, Jimmy.
All I can say is don't undress in front of your microwave and never sign a contract with Comedy Central.
Please think into the Jimmy Door show.
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Go to a good progressive cause like the Jimmy Dore show.
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That's right.
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*music*
This is Jimmy.
Hey, Jimmy, it's Rines.
Hey, it's White House Chief of Staff Reines.
Private is calling me on Thursday, March 23rd.
Wait, why'd you say the date there just now?
You know, no reason.
Come on, Jimmy.
It's just something I do.
Why did you say the date?
In case you get fired in the next few days.
Jesus Christ, Jimmy.
Well, you asked.
I mean, what the fuck, man?
Well, every few days I read something that says you might get fired.
Yeah, but geez, man.
I'm sitting right here.
Are you going to get fired?
Shit, I don't know.
Trump, man.
I don't know what's going to happen on any given day.
He might fire me.
He might marry me to his youngest daughter.
He might have me murdered.
He might have you murdered.
This guy has no idea what he legally can and can't do, Jimmy.
I mean, he tried to declare prima nocta.
Is that the king's right to have sex with the bride on her wedding night?
Yeah, and when we told him he couldn't do it, he made me and Ben kiss for his amusement.
I'm sorry.
He was like, kiss him.
Kiss him, you stooges.
I'm bored and I want to see grown men kiss each other.
Well, Ryan, you know, why did you take the job in the first place?
Jimmy, right now I am one of the only people standing between us and going to war with North Korea, pulling out of NATO, and believe it or not, is planned to blow up the moon.
Really?
Jimmy, I just got a policy memo from Steven Miller called Help Your Skelter: How to Bring About the Race War.
Holy Christ.
Yeah, I know.
And I'm the one they want to fire around here.
That sounds terrible.
Bandon Wolfs is in here around noon, still drunk from the night before, smelling like he's been fucking a donkey all night.
What?
Conway keeps a razor blade in her palm and casually cuts interns in the halls if they look at her sideways.
Oh my God.
I talked to White House counsel, and they're like, no, we're pretty sure she can legally do that.
Then, of course, there's Mike Flynn.
But General Flynn was fired.
They just freaking put a mustache and brownface on him and sneak him in the back every day.
They call him Miguel Flynno and pretend he's a janitor.
What exactly does General Flynn do while he's there?
Well, he's selling a lot of the furniture on eBay.
I can tell you that.
I used to have a 200-year-old desk in here, and now I'm sitting at a card table.
It smells like stale melon.
Now, it came out this week that Paul Manafort was in the employee of Russian oligarchs for years and didn't disclose he was a foreign agent.
Paul, who?
I have no idea who you're talking about.
Come on, Rines.
Okay, maybe I seem to recall a consultant or an intern or something with that name.
Right.
He was the campaign chairman for five months.
Oh, come on, Jimmy.
Can't you give me a break here?
I'm trying to do the best with what I got before this president is indicted or just gets bored and wanders away.
They got this health care bill going south on me.
I got a budget that looks like it was written by a shut-in.
I got hotty McIncest tits moving into the West Wing.
Look, I think this Russia thing is a huge distraction, too.
Thank you.
I mean, why does it matter if the Russians have high-defined camera footage of Ukrainian hookers laughing at his little Lawrence penis?
I'm sorry.
They do.
They do what?
Look, Jimmy, I gotta go.
Sebastian Gark is trying to do a book burning in the Rose Garden.
Okay, Rines.
Good luck, buddy.
So, I don't know if you've been following the Russia story.
I've had questions.
I ask people questions about this.
No one can give me a good answer.
So the whole thing, people used to smear people with the Russia thing because Russians were communists and communists were going to infiltrate our country through unions.
And they were going to take over America from the inside.
That's why you had to be worried.
The Red Menace, that you don't know where they are.
They could be in the union.
They could be working in the White House.
They could be, you know, that's why we had those hearings to try to find out where the Reds are in our own country.
We don't have to do that anymore because we know that they're just making movies or acting in them.
Yes.
Well, we know now that they're not communists.
The Cold War is over.
There is no more Cold War.
They're not communists anymore.
So, in fact, George Bush said he looked into Putin's soul.
He's a good man.
Remember, I don't know.
But Obama made fun of Mitt Romney for saying Russia was our geopolitical foe in 2012, made fun of him.
So, you know, we went over, you know, we turned Russia into a plutocracy like our own.
We brought over the crony capitalists, and they took over their communist country, turning it into a crony capitalist country.
So that's what I don't understand.
So they keep doing this thing about Trump and Russia.
And yeah, I get Trump has business ties to Russia and whatever, but it has that tinge of he might be a communist, but they're not.
That's the whole point.
So instead of Russia, just say Italy.
Oh, he's with some Italian bankers.
What's the diff?
You know what I'm saying?
Russia spends about $64 billion a year on their military.
We spend about $64 quadrillion.
Are we really afraid of Russia's military?
What did they spend last year on their military?
$64 billion to Russia?
We're really afraid of their military?
Are we really afraid?
So No one could give me a straight answer.
And so this is the establishment.
Many different reasons for what Russia thinks.
One of them is Democrats want to distract from how horrible they are.
Another one is a deep state thing that's having a fight with Trumpy.
So now they're trying to pill.
So he had a campaign manager, Paul Manafort, for a couple of minutes last year, was running Trump's campaign, and then they got rid of him.
Months ago, months before the election.
They got rid of him.
So now they're trying to, now they found some dirt on that guy, Manafort, that he had some Russia dealings.
And well, here, I'm going to let the AP tell you.
But what the AP found here is that the ties go a lot deeper and a lot further back.
That Paul Manafort basically was working on behalf of Oleg Daraposka, who is extremely close to Vladimir Putin and the Russian government.
So he was working on, that's what they say.
He's working on behalf of this guy, who's extremely close.
He's extremely close to Putin.
He's extremely close.
To promote both Dariposca's business interests and the Russian government's interests throughout Eastern Europe and former Soviet states.
So he was a lobbyist.
So what he's accusing him of as being a lobbyist or someone who's trying to help out a Russian businessman and maybe lobby for the Russian government.
That's what it sounded like.
So let's just switch any other government.
He was doing it for the Italian government.
He's doing it for Norway.
He was doing it for Sweden.
He was doing it for...
So my whole point is, Russia's not supposed to be...
So here he goes.
Paul Manafort, you know, definitely spent a number of years as kind of a gun for hire internationally.
And what he said he was doing was just sort of.
Was he working for the Clinton Foundation?
Great political consulting work.
He was advising Ukrainian political parties, basically.
This one particular party called the Party of Regents, which is generally considered to be pro-Russia.
What, in fact, the documents that we've obtained and some of the people who are familiar with Mr. Dariposca's spending on Mr. Manafort's services, what those things show is that Manafort was both doing that and that work while simultaneously and covertly representing a covert foreign influence in both Ukraine and also doing some work that touched on Washington as well.
So that sounds like a bunch of bullshit.
He was also covertly working for someone else while he was working for someone else.
And what did he do?
He was influencing things.
He was influencing things.
There was stuff that was influenced, and it was by him, and he knows them.
And he's really, they're really close to Putin, which by today's standards mean they might have sat at the same table as him at one point in time.
Correct.
It would suggest that he was fairly liberal in mixing the various worlds, his political work with his business work, with his work on behalf of the Russian government.
Oh, better not do that.
What is all this?
He's the work that he proposed he was going to do.
I should emphasize that what we reported is historical.
Listen to how he phrases this.
I should emphasize what we've reported is historical, meaning it isn't new.
Everyone's known this.
This isn't a secret.
Everyone's known this.
And by the way, it's over.
It's over.
I mean, it's not ongoing.
It's not ongoing.
So the relationship with Dara Posca would have been...
Over by the time the campaign began.
Oh, so it was over.
They didn't have a relationship when he started working for Trump.
So he worked for this billionaire or this businessman from Russia.
And then they weren't working together.
And then he went to work for Trump.
They weren't working together.
But, Jimmy, the problem is the Beatles ended years ago, but their influence is still there.
Oh, that's right.
The influence is what we've got to be worried about.
It's historical.
So the relationship with Dariposca would have been over by the time the campaign began, long since then.
I mean, Deriposka was suing him, in fact, at that point.
So this guy was suing him.
So not only are they not working together, they're now enemies.
He's now suing that guy when he goes to Manafort, when he goes to work for Trump.
But this is the big tie they just found.
This is the big boo-doo-boo-doo-doo.
Oh my God, he worked for this guy.
He made money from this guy who's a Russian.
And he has ties to Putin.
This is what they're saying.
This is literally what they're saying.
But when he went to work for Trump, when this guy went to work for Trump, he was suing him.
This guy.
This is their big conspiracy.
Boy, I don't know.
This is right up there with Rachel Maddow's tax return episode.
Here we go.
You know, there isn't any sort of question at the moment as to whether Oleg Deroposka was in some way involved in the Trump campaign.
But what it does demonstrate is that Paul Manafort.
What does it demonstrate?
Listen to this.
But what it does demonstrate is that Paul Manafort had the contacts, connections, and willingness to work for a Russian oligarch who was seeking to influence world events.
What the fuck does that mean?
He knew somebody.
And he could have done something.
So that's xenophobia, also, by the way.
This Russia, Russia, Russia, that's xenophobia.
That's what that is.
You know, there's Russians in America that are Americans.
What the F?
So Manafort's statement to the AP, I worked with Oleg Deposka almost a decade ago, representing him on personal and business matters.
My work for Mr. Deriposka did not involve representing Russian political interests.
So that's a Manafort statement.
The work is being unfairly cast as inappropriate or nefarious as a part of a smear campaign.
Which is, I don't know if you listen to what that guy just said, that's what it sounds like to me.
Sounds like a freaking smear campaign.
Sounds like you got nothing.
Oh, we found out he had a job.
He worked.
He got made some money working for this guy in Russia.
What?
Well, because it's not just xenophobic.
It's by the book scapegoating, too.
Oh, sure.
It's xenophobic scapegoating.
And now all of a sudden, you know, I mean, well, Trump has his own scapegoats, be it North Korea or the media or whoever else.
Now, you know, the faux progressives have Russia, Russia.
Russia, Russia, Russia.
We lost.
We're not lost because we suck, but we lost because of Russia.
So I just want to say all that.
By the way, when he was working...
He said, Manafort brokered a deal to lobby on behalf of Russian interests around the time George W. Bush and Putin went fishing together at Kenny Bunkport.
So the date on that is July 2nd, 2007.
There's Bush.
There's two presidents going fishing with him in 2007.
Putin arrives at Kenny Bunkport for a two-day visit with the Bushes.
Wait a minute.
I thought that they're what?
But Russia.
And aren't we supposed to be afraid of them?
And this is such bullshit.
What's going on right now?
And good people are being sucked in on this.
What?
They're not communists anymore.
They all hang out together.
They go fishing together.
They're all buddies.
What are you talking about?
And by the way, having business ties to Russia didn't disqualify the Clintons, did it?
Doesn't disqualify the Clintons.
Why is that okay?
Why is it okay for Bill Clinton to take a half a million dollars from a Russian bank so he can facilitate uranium sales to Russia?
And then the Clinton Foundation gets millions of dollars from Russia.
But that's okay.
Cash flowed to the Clinton Foundation amid Russian uranium deal.
There it is from the New York Times.
What's the date on that, Jimmy?
April 23rd, 2015.
But somehow Paul Manafort worked for a guy from Russia who they had stopped working together before the campaign.
In fact, the guy was suing him.
But somehow we should just keep that.
It just goes to show he knew he knows people in Russia and he could do something bad.
What?
I don't know.
They don't never say anything what they did.
I wonder why the Democrats are wiped out.
I wonder why nobody trusts the news media.
I wonder why people get their news from YouTube.
I wonder why.
I wonder why America is so fucked.
I wonder why.
Because our leaders are falling down hard.
They're firing people like Ed Schultz and elevating people like Joy Reed.
That's what's wrong with our goddamn country.
And those people protect the oligarchs.
What does MSNBC do?
They protect the establishment.
They protect the oligarchy.
They're not taking it down.
They're propping it up.
They are the establishment.
They are insiders.
You don't get paid $30,000 a day to be an outsider.
Believe me.
Everybody's letting our country down.
Our political leaders, our fucking news media, even our lefty new.
So good on Michael Tracy for catching that.
Good on Michael Tracy for catching that.
Nice work, buddy.
Doesn't that drive you fucking crazy?
Doesn't that make you just want to scream at the top of your lungs every time somebody does a stupid Russia story?
Doesn't that make you want to scream at the top of your lungs?
It does make me want to.
It makes me want to take everybody and shake them.
They go, can we get on to the business of America, please?
Can we get on to single-payer health care?
Can we stop spending trillions of dollars on bombs?
Can we stop bombing the Middle East for five fucking seconds?
*music* *Mario plays*
So here he is.
It's so bad.
Even Chuck Todd.
The Republicans' plan is so bad, even Chuck Todd can take them down.
Are you ready?
TBO said that today we'd have what, 26 million people in Obamacare?
There's 11 million people.
So the CBO's been pretty far off on these waiting medicine companies.
CBO is 26 million included Medicaid.
You're not encounting Medicaid expansion and you're like a million.
So we're at 20 to 26 in fairness.
That was a bullshit statistic.
You're right.
You're right.
I made that shit up.
You got it.
You're right.
You're right.
You're not.
Yeah, thank you very much.
You're right.
I was lying.
You coffee.
You caught me.
Move on.
15 minutes.
Tomato tomato, Jimmy.
All right.
Got me picking the cherry.
Oops.
So that's that shit they were doing.
This is a guy who could get tripped up by Robbie Mook.
He caught it.
This guy.
I'm not shitting, right?
This guy runs into a John McCain and he gets his head handed to him.
I'm like, holy fuck, that guy was good.
And he's taken Paul Robin.
Do you want to see that again?
Because I do.
So he tries to push that bullshit talking point, and Chuck Todd stops him.
TBO said that today we'd have, what, 26 million people in Obamacare?
There's 11 million people.
So CBO's been pretty far off on these waiting medicine companies.
The CBO is 26 million included Medicaid.
You're not encounting Medicaid expansion and you're like a million.
So we're at 20 to 26.
Okay, you got me.
You got me.
Listen, listen.
It's almost like he tries to pretend like he's thanking him.
Like, oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
Watch this.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
You said I was full of shit.
God bless me for that.
Sometimes, because of my medication, I say things I don't mean.
And I often require non-college educated hosts to fucking tell me about it.
I like to throw that chuck down to the very screen.
Anyway.
So is there more to this?
I don't know.
Oh, I just.
Oh, the show's over.
I'm sorry.
Fucked up.
The show's over.
So if you're, by the way, if you ever have a Mac and you're in keynote and you hit H, that's what will happen.
That's good to know.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Okay, now we're back.
Oh, we fucked up.
Let's see.
Okay, so here it's so bad.
Even Chair Chuck Todd gets him again.
Exactly.
Is health care a right or a privilege?
Not from the government.
So if you say that healthcare is a government credit right, then we as citizens are giving the government too much power over our lives.
If we are saying we want this to be a government crisis, right?
Then we as citizens are saying it is the government who gets to decide where, how, when, and under what circumstances we get health care.
That's given the government far too much power over our lives.
And I'd much rather give that to a corporation who doesn't give a fuck about me and I can't vote for him.
Does he understand what health care means?
Like, I need to go to the doctor.
Oh, I'm to the fucking uh-oh, Orwellian government is telling me what does he say?
The government has way too much control over your lives.
That's why I never drive on government roads.
I always wait.
I'm like, if I drive on government roads and the government's telling me where I can go, and that's why that's dangerous.
That's why I never drive on a government road.
I only drive on a private road.
Jimmy, it's the only place I can go is fucking Mar-a-Lago.
That's it.
So you don't want the government giving you the health care.
You know how your grandma, when she gets sick, she goes to any doctor she wants and they take care of you.
You don't want that kind of fucking nightmare.
You want this thing.
Go ahead, Graham.
No, this one.
the nightmare you're distraught me sounds like more of this fucking crazy socialism.
Like, there was a giant snowstorm on the East Coast, and these fucking government plows were plowing every street.
You had no say in it.
They just fucking cleared the streets.
Every week they take your trash and some kind of crazy government socialist thing.
Thank you.
Hello, Jimmy.
Governor Chris Christie here with the fault there and so on.
Know what I mean, you fucking kaboom bots.
Governor Christie, what's up?
I got a bone to pick with you.
You follow me?
Sure, what's the problem?
Let me lay down some law.
I don't think wives to no gooseberry peacocks like you crack and foxy with me, Capredo.
I don't even know what any of that means.
Don't play cute with me.
Did you or did you not send me an animated gif of the two chocolate outside parts of an Oreo cookie running towards each other and smooshing the delicious smiley face creepy ethereal filling?
Hey, that's it.
That's all the time we have on today's podcast.
But you know, there's more to that phone call.
Get the premium.
That's how you, that's all you do.
You can become a premium member.
It's the most affordable premium membership thing in the whole goddamn world.
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Jimmy at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
All right, that's it for this week.
Hey, don't forget our next live show is already sold out April 3rd.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for tickets for our April 24th show in Burbank, California.
Today's show was written, that's right, it was written by Mike McRae, Robert Yasamura, Jim Earl, Steph Zamarano, and Ron Placone.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dore saying you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
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