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Dec. 30, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:04:33
20161230_The_Jimmmy_Dore_Show_12-30-16
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Today's Jimmy Dore show was recorded in front of a live studio audience in Burbank, California at the Flappers Comedy Club.
Jimmy, this is Liam Neeson.
Thank goodness I have Irish citizenship because your country is thoroughly fucked.
Oh, and don't forget to see my new motion picture, Taken 5, Christmas.
The Grinch steals Christmas from my family, and I hunt him down and punch him in the face multiple times and shoot all of his men.
Then just as I'm about to take Christmas back home, the Grinch gets up and I pulverize his face with a sledgehammer.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, that was Liam Neeson.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for the kind of people It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk when you're TVA.
And now, it's Jimmy Dore.
Get ready and welcome to the stage.
Mr. Jimmy Dore, everybody!
Congratulations, everyone, Jim!
Thank you!
Right now, I'm going to bring you to the stage a hilarious comedian.
You might have seen him on the show before.
You might have seen him in his documentary they made about him.
That's how funny he is.
They made a documentary called The Bitter Buddha.
You've seen him on the Conan O'Brien show, The Tonight Show.
Here he is, Eddie Pepetone, ladies and gentlemen.
Eddie Pepetone.
Hi, Eddie.
Hi.
Eddie, now tell me, how are things going with you?
Things are going good with me, Jimmy.
Like I say, I'm glad that the holidays are going to be over with, but how are things going?
Jesus.
What the fuck do you answer to that?
That's what my father asked me, and I got nervous.
I don't know, dad.
You ever do that with your father?
Like, how are things going?
My dad, the only time my dad calls me is to tell me I'm swearing too much.
I'm not kidding.
That's the truth.
But you know what I know, Jimmy?
You know, Son, my, he'll never listen to my show or watch it.
You know, a friend of ours was listening to your show.
You really turn people off with your profanity.
I'm like, what part?
I didn't listen.
My friend said.
Okay, that's why I don't go home for Christmas.
You know what I like to do during the holidays, though, Jimmy, is because their mindless are game shows.
And I kind of love game shows, but I would love if game shows got a little more political.
Yeah.
For instance, I would love if, like, on the price is right, some woman from Oklahoma had to guess the price of the Iraq war instead.
Instead of a blender, like, check this out.
Check this out.
It's a good bit already, right?
And I haven't even started it.
You're already clapping at the premise, but I would love it, you know, like be like the curtain opens and it's just fucking carnage.
Like real and not the and not the anesthetized bullshit you see on television where it's just nothing.
You don't see any violence at all.
Just absolute carnage.
People losing limbs, children dying.
And there's a woman from Oklahoma just jumping up and down going, I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know.
And people in the audience are yelling out, five billion a day.
Five billion a day.
And then she's like, does that include Afghanistan?
Ten billion with Afghanistan.
Ten billion with Afghanistan.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't.
I thought we got out of Iraq.
I thought we got out of Iraq.
No, we did it first.
But then a fundamentalist Muslim group started rampaging called ISIS.
But what they don't tell you is that we created the void for ISIS to exist by bombing a sovereign country.
Too much information.
I'm an American and I don't want to hear that.
Too much information.
No.
We're only halfway through the bank.
And so people keep yelling out in the audience, $5 billion!
$10 billion with Afghanistan.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Did we?
Did we ever close Guantanamo?
No.
Obama said he would when he first got elected, but he turned out to be another corporate stooge.
Though elegant.
Though elegant.
Very elegant.
A lot better than the last guy, but still another brand of corporate power.
I don't know.
I don't know.
10 billion!
10 billion!
5 billion!
And then a vet gets up in the audience and he's like, you can't put a price on it.
Don't you play that fucking game!
I lost everything in that fucking war!
And then she starts to get nervous, like she still wants to play, but she's like nervous now.
Like, I don't know.
I don't know.
Don't you dare!
Look at me!
I am one of America's children and I'm shattered.
And then they always guess low.
$1.
$1.
And that's that bit.
Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow, that was...
You really like game shows.
I love game shows.
All right, now, come on.
We have another great guest.
Now, whenever this gentleman is in town, we always ask him if he'll do the show.
And we're glad he could.
Republican Congressman, Representative Richard Martin from the 27th District in Ohio.
He's here.
He's a Republican, and he's on the show.
Ah, look at this guy.
Look how he's dressed.
You look to take whatever you'd like, Richard.
Between you and the angry fella.
All right, you're looking good.
You look fantastic.
Thank you.
I'd be angry too if I dressed like you.
Ah, whoa, look out of that.
Hey, it's a comedy call.
Salt of the earth.
Listen, what brings you to Southern California, Representative Martin?
Yeah, I mean, you know, I get here about once a year, do a little fundraising in Orange County.
We got a, I started a foundation where we raise money for suburban couples struggling to afford a second home.
I don't know if you've ever seen a fella lose the will to live in an Adirondack chair.
I hope you never have to see it.
Now, if I could assess, you know, a lot of conservatives are upset that Trump is saying he probably isn't going to build that wall.
It is disconcerting, to say the least.
And yeah, some folks are very upset.
I mean, we take it very, very seriously.
I won't even eat a churro.
A churro is nothing but a donut that is here illegally.
LAUGHTER You are a dick.
So listen, let me ask you, being here, aren't you uncomfortable being around so many liberals and gay people?
Yes.
You know, I don't like the gays in the military.
It takes the dignity out of killing.
There's something to that.
You know, the trans thing, I had a lot of people.
Where do you stand on the transition?
I don't even understand what trans is, but I'm told where it's like a fella becomes a gal or a gal becomes a fella.
And, you know, I might be open to the gals becoming fellas if they will agree to still work for less money.
We get that in writing.
We can be open-minded.
We will work with you.
Now, I know it's a sensitive topic, but I want to bring it up.
Do you mind talking about your son who was kidnapped?
It's tough because it is still very raw.
I got three kids, Ronald, Wilson, and Reagan.
And Wilson is my middle boy, just a sweet, sweet kid, lights a lot of fires, but sweet.
And he didn't come home for dinner.
And it got to be about midnight.
My wife said he's been kidnapped, and they want a ransom.
And I've seen the movie with Liam Neeson.
Taken.
Taken.
Yeah, I didn't watch all of it, but so I said, how do we know it's him?
have them send us his finger.
Well, the finger arrives, and I realize I don't know what his finger looks like.
So I said, can you send a thumb?
Didn't recognize that one either.
So he's given up tennis and he's healing.
But it's still, it hits me right there.
You know, I love my kids so much.
I can't wait until they're rich so I can be proud of them.
Okay.
You know my oldest boy is also recovering in the hospital.
Oh, no, what happened?
He hit his head playing football, and the doctors are concerned that he may never again regain his sense of entitlement.
Now, listen, I want to talk about Trump's appointments.
What do you think of Trump's appointment so far?
I hear you have your own choices for.
Oh, I did.
Now, mind you, I don't understand what some of these things even are.
You mean some of the departments?
The departments.
Do you mind if I just go down?
I can just maybe go down a few of them and you tell me who you would like.
Let's start out with education, Secretary of Education.
I think Chuck Norris would be good because have you ever seen him in a film?
He knows how to teach a fella a lesson.
How about National Security Advisor?
This is a little outside the box, but that's how I think.
I'm thinking the guard from my gated community.
He is, I've yet to catch his name, but he never sleeps.
He's always there.
Sometimes he watches TV, but we haven't had any crime in the gated community.
And I actually live in a double-gated community in case they get by the first gate.
So I'm thinking him.
What about Secretary of Treasury?
Oh, this one, I don't have any names, but I think it should be a crazy Jew.
I have made the most money when the market is volatile.
And so, I mean, obviously we need a Jew.
We need somebody that's good with money, but we need somebody who's a little unstable, you know.
Okay.
What about Attorney General?
I like Larry Parker.
I don't know who that is.
He's a fellow that I see on TV on commercials, and he's very earnest.
He seems to really care about his clients.
And that's what we need, is somebody who can bring passion to the office.
Is that some lawyer guy who does commercials?
Yeah.
I've seen him here in Southern California.
They know who he is.
I had no idea.
He'll fight for your money.
Let's just put that on a bigger scale.
What about Secretary of Commerce?
I'd like to see Papa John.
You know, he's got a 46,000 square foot home, and he doesn't pay his employees health care.
You know, that's a fellow that knows how to keep things trim.
That is, actually, I'm told that every time he builds an addition, it's to honor one of his employees who died of cancer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, you know, I think we need to get him in there because we need to pick the brain of someone who can get rich without a good product or charisma.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
What about Secretary of Labor?
You know, well, you know, the Carls Jr. fella is the one they've chosen.
And I don't know.
I'm thinking either Wendy or the hamburger.
I like the hamburgler.
Yeah.
What about Homeland Security?
Again, this one's outside the box, but I'd like to see the painter Thomas Kincaid.
What?
If you've ever seen the cottages that he paints, they're just very cozy and secure looking.
And he wouldn't know what a secure home looks like from the outside.
And so then you just spread that.
But we'd all have to live by streams with wisps of smoke coming out of chimneys.
And I'm not sure how we do that, but his art is terrific.
I have over 600 of his pictures.
A limited edition, one of 15,000.
Let's go, small business administration.
Small business administration.
You know, they don't issue stock for small businesses.
No.
So there's no way for people like me to make money off them.
So I'm thinking someone from the Walmart family because they know what it takes to get in there and decimate small businesses, get them out of the way.
And then if none of them can do it, I'm thinking one of the actors from the show, The Waltons.
I think I see John Bollywald on large.
No, he's the only one I don't see.
That name's a little gay.
No.
All right.
Satire.
Transportation, I want Sully.
Oh, Sullenberger?
Yeah.
Sure, who doesn't, right?
Yeah.
So you want to.
That's it.
I like Sully.
How about Ambassador to UN?
I'd like to see Benjamin Netanyahu.
No.
We're going to be doing what he wants anyway.
Let's save on airfare.
No.
Ha!
Oh, that was a good one.
That was well put.
Let's do one more.
Let's do health and human services.
I'd like to see Roger Ailes.
You know, and don't believe what Gretchen Carlson said about the sexual harassment.
No, no, she just mistook his labored breathing.
Do you have any favorites for the Supreme Court?
You know, again, this one's a little outside the box.
You know, there's too many court cases.
It's a log jam.
And so we need somebody that's not going to get all academic and read about what happened in the past.
We need somebody that's never even been to law school.
Hey, oh, yeah.
But is really, really good with legal Zoom.
And I think they should be white and male and rich and straight and anti-gay and anti-Muslim and anti-environment and anti-science and anti-regulation, anti-union, anti-equality, anti-poor, and love Jesus.
It's Richard Martin.
Please give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen.
God bless.
Come to the stage right now.
You've heard him on the Jimmy Door show.
Just this week, he was given a great honor by the Guardian newspaper, chose his podcast.
It's one of the 10 best podcasts in the entire world.
Please welcome the host of the Dollop podcast.
It's Dave Anthony, ladies and gentlemen.
Dave.
Thank you.
How are you, buddy?
Good to see you.
Thomas Kincaid is dead.
He died in a stupor, OD'd on vium and booze.
And he spent the last few years of his life enjoying alcohol and ritual marking, as he called it, where he would urinate on things.
He urinated on a Winnie the Pooh statue at Disneyland and screamed, that's for you, Walt.
That's Thomas Kincaid, the painter.
Well, we will.
That's why your podcast is amazing.
We will find a way to work with that.
Thank you very much, Dave.
Thanks for coming up and dropping that knowledge on us.
Now, what does it feel like to be chosen by the Guardian newspaper as one of the best podcasts in the world?
You know what?
It's weird because I know they listen to my show in England.
Yeah.
So it is weird.
Well, having heard both shows, I feel like they made the right decision.
Because you're on both of them?
Thank you.
That's your, that's, she lives in your house, that woman.
Let's bring her up.
Ladies and gentlemen, the miserable liberal Steph Samorano, come on up here.
She's going to guard me from Dave Anthony.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Hi.
I'm doing great, Jimmy.
Now, Steph, you're a Mexican.
100% Mexican, too.
Yeah, thank God we have diversity on this panel of white men.
Anybody counting?
Uno, Dos, Truss, Patrol.
They all look alike to me.
Anyways.
Anyways.
Mexicans make two things, tortillas and trouble.
Now, are you comfortable?
I am totally comfortable.
You know, I got to tell you, anytime I'm in California.
Because you're Mexican.
I feel comfortable.
And anytime I'm in Burbank, I'm Italian.
Thank you for tacos.
Denada.
Listen, I'm third generation.
I don't speak Spanish.
And tacos make me shit.
All right.
All tacos?
Polos.
Tacos.
From anywhere.
It doesn't matter.
From anywhere.
Antonio.
You know what?
If you eat it, it will make you shit.
If food doesn't make you shit, see a doctor.
Yeah.
If food does not make you shit for more than four hours, call a doctor.
Or in Eddie's case, too.
So it seems like it's a matter of timing.
Why, Eddie, Eddie, are you a fast shit?
They call you fast Eddie shitter.
It's one of my skills.
Can you do anything about the fucking leaf blowers, though?
You know what's weird?
That's driving.
That is so weird that you even brought that up.
For Christmas, I got a leaf blower.
And what's weird, I love it.
She took to it like a fish to water, honest to God.
I did.
She is out there.
There ain't no fucking leaf on our block.
Where do they go?
Where do the leaves go?
They're in a neighbor's yard.
It's like an airplane engine.
It's good you have one.
I'm starting like an Uber for leafblowers.
Okay.
So you can express and a guy will come over with leafblower.
And somebody will come over and blow my leaves without any health care.
That's the plan.
Because all of the current guys have health plans.
You're telling me my gardener doesn't have a health plan.
Do you know what, Jimmy?
I just wanted to say that already 2017 is very difficult.
Why?
Well, because I'm starting date again.
And that's hard because I'm married.
Let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes, right?
Hey, I know it's easy to blame Hillary's loss on Russian election interference.
I know that.
But I won't be convinced until I hear from two more anonymous, unconfirmed sources and my Facebook friends.
A recent survey found that pot use among teenagers is down for the third year in a row, proving young people are even dumber than we thought.
You know, you folks laugh.
You laugh, but marijuana is a gateway drug.
Yeah, it can lead to dancing, and that can lead to not wearing a tie.
It's not funny.
It's not funny.
Hey, I don't know if you heard, but President Obama signed something really beneficial into law today, but I'm not going to tell you about it because Donald Trump's just going to fuck it up anyway.
Hey, you know, in a rally in Wisconsin, Donald Trump praised House Speaker Paul Ryan multiple times before remembering he was actually talking about Paul Ryan.
These jokes are okay.
You know, since winning the November 8th election, Trump said he will keep a quote open mind about the Paris climate deal, meaning he's going to go meaning he's going to go trash it and buy another gold bathtub.
I love the gold bathtub.
He doesn't love a gold bathtub.
I love that we have a president that now has a condo that looks like Saddam Hussein could live in it.
It does.
You know, Trump's always been critical of the Paris climate deal because he says it's only livable there during the spring, and he doesn't see why we should have to pay for the other months.
Hey, Trump says he wants to renegotiate the climate deal and quote, jew down Poseidon on the footage of ocean we'll be under in 20 years.
Let me say that again.
He wants to jew down Poseidon on the footage of ocean we'll all be under in 20 years.
That is a clunky joke, but a great idea.
Is that a Greek mythology joke or Shelly Winner's Ernest Borgnine?
See, that's where I went to Shelly Winners Ernest Borgnine, right?
Because I'm dumb and I come from a dumb family.
I do come from a dumb people don't know that I do come from a dumb family.
And I wear that as a badge of honor.
Like, if you're in a normal family and someone knows something you don't, a normal person.
You destroy that.
You don't hit them.
No, normal people go, oh, please share it with me.
I'd also like to grow.
But in a dumb family, you attack them and you try to knock them down a few pegs.
Like the most recent thing that happened in my family was my oldest brother lost his job and he started his own little business.
And we're all sitting around talking.
And my brother goes, you know, I found out I can make just as much money with six employees as I used to make with seven.
And I go, hey, that's called the law of diminishing returns, I think.
I don't know.
And my dad turns around and he goes, call it whatever you want.
It's about making money, stupid.
As if to say, look at this guy.
First, he gets a book.
Then he reads it, retains that information, and then shares it at an appropriate moment like an asshole.
But hold on, Jimmy.
And he let him laugh.
But I thought of something good.
What?
What did you think?
Well, I don't know how good it is, but is your brother contributing to from that little anecdote?
What I got was that your brother's contributing to more and more people being out of work, if I am not mistaken.
Because he found seven.
Now he has six.
Now he has six.
Making the same money.
And he's making the same.
And he cut out a job.
But why, why would you, if you're making the same money, why not just have the other guy?
What's the difference?
I'll tell you.
Oh, I know, because fuck people.
I forgot about that.
Fuck people.
People.
Dave?
Yes.
Hunger is nature's college.
That's Mitt Romney.
Oh, Mitt Romney.
Jimmy, Big Lee Mittens here.
That's my new dick name.
Donald likes to give people nicknames just like George W did, only not nearly as nice.
Look, I'd like to say Merry Christmas and best New Year's wishes to you.
But I met with Donald and the end times are near.
And Mormons don't even believe in that shit.
It was a fine supper, by the way.
Anywho, see you at the reckoning.
And don't worry, we have your complete family tree safely stored deep in our underground vault.
All the dead doors are Mormons now.
Have yourself a Merry Christmas and go fuck yourself in the new year.
Let's see who else this is.
Let's see who this is.
Jimmy, this is Bernie Sanders.
Ah!
Oh, you guys like him?
Wow.
So weird.
I wouldn't have expected that.
Was that it?
No, there's more.
I had to slide it.
Stop it because people are cheering.
People cheer Bernie Sanders.
Jimmy, this is Bernie Sanders.
The commercialization of Christmas is simply unacceptable.
And that's from a Jew.
I believe we should make the holidays free for any person desiring a degree in sadomasochism.
I love this guy.
Oh, and to all you neoliberals out there, I hope Santa brings you a big scrotum bag full of cold-flavored spooch.
What?
Bernie.
Wow.
Well, he's a New Yorker.
He comes right at you.
Yes.
From the Bronx, I think.
I like that he's out there actually still working and going out.
Yeah.
And Hillary's out making a stick for it in the woods.
Covering herself in trucks.
She's hurting right now.
Goes through a lot of teas.
She's hurting.
If there was one video that we could see, it would be the night she was losing him when she was throwing shit at the TV.
The greatest.
Yeah, if you're throwing shit at the TV.
Why didn't I win?
Yep.
I don't know, you're sounding like a bunch of Bernie bros.
No shit, right?
No shit.
I am a Bernie bro.
I read.
Ah.
I read.
Hope you're enjoying today's live podcast from Burbank, California.
I want to take a minute to say thanks to everybody who thinks about the Jimmy Dore show when they buy something from Amazon.com.
It doesn't cost you anything, and it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon, but it's a big help to supporting the show.
No, we don't encourage anybody to shop at Amazon, but we say if you're going to shop there anyway, have some of that money go to a good progressive cause, like the Jimmy Dore show.
It's really easy.
The next time you're going to buy some from Amazon, swing by JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Click on our Amazon box.
It's right on the front page.
It'll take you to Amazon, and then when you buy something, they send us money.
It's just that easy.
Okay, that's it.
Let's get back to the second half of the show because there's a lot coming up.
So I want to talk about Syria a little bit tonight.
Is that okay if we talk about Syria?
Oh, you know what?
We love such good deals on flights right now.
Dude, that's right.
I got the why not make it Aleppo.
I got the Aleppo.
Dude, I got the Aleppo Marriott 50% off.
Suck it.
Suck it.
We got a sweep.
Oh, you didn't get the West.
No, I got the East.
because the West is gone.
West, oh good.
Yeah, that's right.
But the view is a...
The pool is outdoors.
I hate an indoor pool.
That's why I don't go to holiday inn holodomes anymore.
Sir, would you like fleeing or non-fleeing?
Fucking, oh, I got to tell you.
You know, that tenant guy, he was right.
War is funny.
He was right.
Somehow that ruined their evening.
Everybody got upset it that way.
I was just thinking of David Tenet, who's a damn good British actor.
George Tennett was it George Tennessee?
Oh, George.
Yeah, George.
George Tennett.
So here, let's listen to Wesley Clark.
And I'm friends with his son, Wesley Clark Jr.
Yes, well, I know people too.
Wesley Clark Jr., fuck.
I don't know if you know who he is, but he's a little too handsome and cool to be walking around.
I don't know.
Oh, really?
Yeah, someone needs to scar him.
Or just.
If you cut his Achilles, you won't be able to walk.
Yeah, cut his Achilles or something.
Give him a limp.
Give him a limp or something.
The guy, he's like George Clooney.
He's what George Clooney wants to be, right?
He's an actual, but he doesn't act like a badass.
He is a fucking badass.
He was in a safe house in Kosovo, and he told me, if you're in a safe house, he goes, nothing gets pussy more than selling people.
You're in a coastal safe house.
That's what he told me.
I'm just telling you what he told me.
I imagine you go out into the cities at night.
Anyway, yeah, I'm staying in a safe house.
Yeah, my father's the commander of SETCOM.
I have a room full of rubbers.
Have you ever seen the inside of a safe house?
What's that?
All right, let's do this.
Let's play.
See, we're wasting time on stupid jokes.
Wait a minute.
I know.
Wasn't that the review in the LA Reader?
Yeah.
Ha ha ha.
All right, here.
So you guys have seen the show, so you know this, right?
10 days after 9-11, I went through the Pentagon and I saw Secretary Rumsfeld and Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz.
I went downstairs, just sailed over to some of the people on the joint staff who used to work for me.
And one of the generals called me and he said, sir, you got to come in.
You've got to come in and talk to me in a second.
I said, well, you're too busy.
He said, no, no.
He says, we've made the decision we're going to war with Iraq.
This was on or about the 20th of September.
I said, we're going to war with Iraq.
Why?
He said, I don't know.
He said, I guess they don't know what else to do.
So I said, well, did they find some information connecting Saddam to al-Qaeda?
He said, no, no.
He says, there's nothing new that way.
They just made the decision to go to war with Iraq.
He said, I guess it's like we don't know what to do about terrorists, but we've got a good military and we can take down governments.
So I came back to see him a few weeks later.
And by that time, we were bombing in Afghanistan.
I said, are we still going to war with Iraq?
And he said, oh, it's worse than that.
He said, he reached over on his desk, he picked up a piece of paper.
He said, I just, he said, I just got this down from upstairs, meeting the Secretary of Defense office today.
And he said, this is a memo that describes how we're going to take out seven countries in five years.
Starting with Iraq and then Syria, Lebanon, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, and finishing off Iran.
Go through the countries again?
Okay, let's go through the countries.
Here we go.
Ready?
I feel weird.
You feel weird?
Okay, here we go.
Well, starting with Iraq.
Iraq, we did it.
Syria and Lebanon.
Okay, Syria, here we are.
Then Libya, then Somalia.
Libya did it.
Somalia and Sudan.
Somalia?
What?
I would talk about Somalia.
So I don't know what people think is happening, but whatever he just said is happening is happening.
All right, and it's got nothing to do with anything.
When was this recorded?
That was recorded in 1953.
Holy shit.
Right?
So this shit's been going on for a while.
And I got to tell you, he looked good.
Yeah, but it's working, so I don't know what the problem is.
So it is working.
So they're doing it, and pretty boy, elegant Barack Obama is doing it for him.
He inherited two wars with Hope and Change, and he hoped and changed them into eight wars.
Eight fucking wars.
And if Trump would have done that, don't you think everyone would be on their tippy toes screaming at the top of their lungs?
He's like, he's fucking bombing Somalia now.
But Barack Obama does this like, did you hear Barack Obama bomb Somalia?
That guy's great, isn't he?
I'm going to miss that guy.
I'm going to really fucking miss that guy.
Imagine what would happen if Trump killed a teenager with a drone.
With a drone, he killed a cheetah of the drone.
Well, you know what?
I say that maybe his dad shouldn't have hung around with terrorists.
Thank you.
Because that's what they said in the Obama administration.
That was true.
You guys could all kill me because my dad is awful.
My dad was an honest cop, which is to me the worst thing.
But, you know, you like to focus on all the folks that are being killed and hurt, but what about all the jobs it's creating?
General Electric.
Have you seen a fucking shot?
You know what?
You're not kidding, by the way.
I mean, I wish I had that video loaded.
But Wolf Blitzer was talking to Ron Paul's grandpa.
You saw that video?
I did.
And he goes, we should stop giving all these arms to Saudi Arabia.
And Wolf Blitzer says, you know, that's going to cost us a lot of jobs here at home, right?
That's what the journalist said.
He's not a journalist.
Hey.
He's terrific.
He's in the fucking situation room.
Now, I show you this.
I'm going to show you this.
I don't know if you can see.
But these are all the videos that I've done in the last couple weeks about Syria.
I love this.
Now, if you notice what happens when you do a video that tells the truth about what's happening in Syria, YouTube, which is owned by Google, which was a big Hillary Clinton supporter, they will fucking demonetize it.
So what this means here is that, hey, if you go ahead and publish this, but if you do publish it, they just go ahead and not...
That's what Google tells me.
So guess what?
Else wasn't.
Everything you see about Syria on TV is fake news.
Also, that's not advertiser-friendly.
That's not advertiser-friendly, you guys.
So I guess whenever CBS or NBC or CNN runs a story about Syria, nobody advertises on it.
You don't see any above that, you're being lied to about Syria.
They also demonetize that.
I went ahead and fucking published it anyway.
Good for you, Jimmy Cook.
And then above it, the Syrian ceasefires are pointless.
And I wouldn't publish fucking that one anyway.
So I published those anyway.
There's another guy today.
This is today I came across him.
These are all his Syria videos.
Look at that.
Fight back against real fake news, demonetized.
What's really happening in Aleppo?
Demonetized.
Demonetized, breaking down the propaganda and information about Aleppo, demonetized.
So they are not allowing us to tell.
Well, they don't want to encourage us.
They want to discourage us from telling the truth about Syria, Aleppo, and the war machine in the Middle East.
And I don't care how many folks they can demonetize my whole fucking family.
I'm still going to tell the truth.
No!
No!
Yes!
No!
Hear me out!
Hear me out!
Sad people do not shop!
You're right.
You're right.
Sad people.
So that really happened.
So I came across this.
And this is, yes.
How do you know that?
How do you know who he is?
How do you know who he is, though?
Oh, Facebook.
I'm not on the Facebook.
That fucking thing.
They have fake news there.
I don't go over there.
Fake news.
Oh, my God.
It's also run by a psychologist.
We see pictures of lunches on TV.
Yeah, that's not Ken Swan.
That's fake Ken Swan.
So this is why this is so mind-blowing, right?
So you know, so you saw this already.
So this is why this is so crazy because this was on regular news, Atlanta.
So this happened in Atlanta, where CNN is headquartered.
And also Turner Classic Movies where Ben Mankowitz goes.
I know that.
That's where it's where they make the walking dead.
They make the walking gender?
Do they?
Yeah, near there.
So watch this news.
So watch this newscast.
I'm going to imagine this guy's already been fired.
Has he already been fired?
I think he's already been fired.
I think they fired him in the middle of this because I only have half of it.
So watch this.
Watch this.
The reports out of Aleppo Syria are incredible.
The suffering, the humanitarian crisis.
But if that's true, and I know this video is hard to see, then why are these people in Aleppo celebrating in the streets?
Just listen to what they're doing.
So they're celebrating in the streets after the Syrian government liberated Aleppo from ISIS, Al-Qaeda, El-Nusra, and all the other terrorists that had taken over Aleppo.
The Syrian government, meaning Assad, came in and got rid of them.
And now everybody's cheering in the streets.
He's like, well, why the fuck would they be shirting the streets?
See, watch just about any media report.
And you know that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is waging war on his own people.
At least that's what you're being told.
But is that the truth?
Three facts that you're not hearing about Aleppo in this reality check that you won't see anywhere else.
Well, you'll see it on the Jimmy Doer show.
But you won't see it in mainstream news media.
I swear to God, I bet this guy's fired.
Here we go.
Well, if you listen to most media reports about Aleppo, you're going to hear that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, with the help of the Russians, is laying siege to his own city of Aleppo and committing genocide against his own people.
But there is a lot of evidence that you're not getting the full story.
During the five-year so-called Syrian civil war, we have been told, first of all, that moderate freedom fighters have been attempting to overthrow President Assad.
But that claim has been repeatedly proven untrue.
Three facts you don't know about Syria?
Fact number one, Syria's so-called free Syrian army rebels have been disbanded.
They no longer even exist.
The U.S. actually trained moderate rebels in Syria, but according to the Pentagon, those moderates gave all their U.S.-provided weapons to Al-Qaeda in Syria.
Wow, that's the first time that ever happened.
I bet you we'll never let that shit happen again.
We've learned our lesson with the Al-Nusra as Al-Nusra Front.
By late 2015, the largest group battling Assad became the Islamic State.
To be clear, the Syrian government is battling ISIS and Al-Qaeda, not rebels.
Those are provable facts and admitted by our own government, and yet for some reason, most media refuses to even mention the names ISIS or Al-Qaeda when talking about Aleppo.
Because they don't want to get fired like you are about to right now.
Isn't it amazing that no one in America knows what this guy on Channel 46 knows?
What he used to know.
We had him killed.
That's amazing.
No one knows this, right?
Everybody decided, I was at a party last night being yelled at by a guy who directs movies who didn't know this.
Who doesn't know that it's all bullshit?
That exactly what's happening in Syria is the exact opposite of what John Kerry tells you is happening, is the exact opposite of what Barack Obama tells you is happening.
It's the exact opposite of what CNN tells you is happening.
It's the exact opposite of what Rachel Maddow tells you is happening on MSNBC.
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me that a seven-year-old girl tweeting in English repeatedly that she's about to die for a couple weeks wasn't real?
No.
That can't be real.
That's hard to believe that a seven-year-old girl completely fluent in fucking English and access to the internet in the middle of a war zone.
I don't think that's bullshit at all.
And if you think that's bullshit, you weren't raised right.
Obvious fuck.
What is wrong with people?
A seven-year-old girl is tweeting from a war zone in fluent English?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Don't yell at us.
Everybody turn into Dick Cheney.
Of course she's not.
Of course that's propaganda, you motherfuckers.
the fuck is wrong with us?
Have you I don't know if you remember, during the first Gulf War, they brought women in to tell us about the horrible people who were taking, They would come and they would take babies out of incubators and throw them on the ground and they would leave them.
Turns out that was fucking bullshit.
And that's why we went and did the first Gulf War because the ambassador from Kuwait to America's daughter said bullshit in front of the Congress and no one ever went to prison.
Nobody ever got jumped up.
What happened to that fake news?
What about that fucking fake news?
No, no, no, that's okay.
That's okay.
Because if you do fake news in aid of the establishment, there's never a price to pay.
There's never a punishment.
In fact, you get fucking rewarded for it by a war.
And stop it!
Stop it!
My belief system is collapsing!
And you know what I say after that, Eddie?
Have you decided on a way for us to kill you?
That Panama, as I recall correctly, when we invaded Panama, that started over some border incident where a guard fondled a woman, an American woman, like molested her, and that kicked shit off.
And that's how, as I recall, that whole thing started.
Yeah.
That was one of our excuses.
Well, they're funneling women at the border.
What?
That should be done in the White House.
Oh, that's good comedy.
They're going to come back from, they're going to take a commercial break and there's going to be a bloodstain on the wall.
Let's see.
Let's see.
Ken Swan is on extended vacation.
Filling in for Ken Swan today is White House spokesman Ken Jennings.
All right, let's see if there's any more to this report.
And instead, only refer to these fighters as rebels.
So what's actually happening in Aleppo?
Well, in 2012, Aleppo, which is Syria's largest city, was taken by al-Nusra and FSA fighters.
In September of this year, Assad and the Syrian Arab Army, the actual Syrian army, with the help of the Russians, began a military campaign to take back eastern Aleppo, which is controlled by terror groups.
So you're telling me that the terrorists took over Eastern Aleppo, and then in September, Russia and the government of Syria decided to take back their city from the terrorists.
That's not a story you hear in America very often.
In fact, that is exactly what happened.
We're hearing it from our pal at CBS46, and let's see what else happened.
On Sunday, buses were sent into eastern Aleppo to evacuate civilians by the Syrian government.
But al-Nusra fighters set fire to those buses.
Why?
Because al-Nusra and ISIS are reportedly trying to block the evacuation of civilians from eastern Aleppo as they use those civilians for cover.
Oh, so it's the terrorists that we're training in Jordan and giving arms to that are actually killing the fucking civilians.
I've been told the exact opposite from my government, my media, my news people, everybody, the exact opposite of what I've been told.
And all of a sudden, what's his name?
Ken Swan?
Ben Swan?
I think it's Lynn Swan.
It's Lynn Swan.
Lynn Swan, a stealer.
The stealer.
He was great.
So exactly the exact opposite of what we're being told and what is happening.
And by the way, I don't know if you noticed, but we can't bring clean water to the fucking people in Flint, Michigan, but we're going to fucking straighten shit out over in Aleppo.
We can't get clean water to people in Flint Mid, but we're going to fix some shit over there.
And how are we going to fix it with bombs?
If only you could bring clean water with bombs, right?
If only there was an exploded and boom, fucking Evian flown out of it.
Wouldn't that be nice?
It's an Evian bomb.
Look at that.
We could bomb Flint.
We could bomb Flint if we had Evian bombs.
So isn't that?
I don't know if that's mind-blowing to anybody else.
So what did John Kerry have to say about that?
So John Kerry was meeting with some rebels, some people who wanted to overturn the Assad regime.
Why do they call it a regime?
Why do they call it?
It's the fucking government, right?
Oh, I know why they call it the regime because it makes it easier to do some fucking nefarious shit in that guy's country if you refer to it as a regime.
Okay, well, here is John Kerry talking to a bunch of people who want to change the regime.
And listen to what he says.
The problem is, this is what John Kerry thinks the problem is in Syria.
And we've been fighting.
How many wars have we been fighting?
We've been fighting in Afghanistan.
We've been fighting in Iraq.
I like how, first of all, I like that the Secretary of State goes, how many fucking wars are we fighting?
I mean, you should see my frequent flyer miles.
I mean, Jesus Christ, we're in fucking Syria.
Iraq, what the fuck?
Where the fuck ain't we fighting?
Are you on my right or my fucking ride?
Isn't that weird that he said that?
That's the goddamn Secretary of State.
Like, holy shit, I got nothing to do with it.
All of a sudden, I wake up.
We're in fucking 14 wars.
Yeah.
The guy before me was an asshole.
Oh, that was Secretary Clinton.
Whoa, whoa.
That's the fucking president you're talking about.
You know, Jimmy, you can put down wars, but have you seen what they've done for the stocks for the prosthetics market?
That is so tragically fucking funny.
That is tragic.
But it is true.
Let's listen.
That's why I invested in permanent helmets.
I don't even know.
They make permanent helmets?
I just assume so.
I assume that there's guys who've had their skull taken off and they have to have a permanent helmet.
I saw Private.
I can dream.
I had little dreams.
I saw Private Ryan after taking an edible.
Worst fucking day of my life.
Worst day of my life.
I had no idea what that movie was about.
I thought it was a love story starring Meg Ryan.
I swear to God, that's what I thought.
I think you should take an edible and watch the Apple.
I don't know what that is, but let's listen to John Kerry one more time.
What's the problem in Syria?
And we've been fighting.
How many wars have we been fighting?
We've been fighting in Afghanistan.
We've been fighting in Iraq.
We've been fighting, you know, in the region for 14 years.
And a lot of Americans don't believe that we should be fighting and sending young Americans over to die in another country.
Yeah.
That's the problem.
Did you hear what he said at the end?
He said, how many wars have we been fighting?
We've been fighting in Afghanistan.
We've been fighting in Iraq.
We've been fighting, you know, in the region for 14 years.
And a lot of Americans don't believe that we should be fighting and sending young Americans over to die in another country.
That's the problem.
That is the problem.
John Kerry said that's the problem.
Like right now, we're fighting in, I don't know how many fucking wars we're going to go.
The problem is that Americans don't want to send young men and women to die in any more wars.
That's the problem.
You know, it's always a problem when young people don't want to die anymore.
Isn't that always a problem?
Jim?
You know, let me just say...
Let me just say this before you say that.
It is a...
Fuck yeah.
I think that.
Representative Martin, you had something to say.
I was just going to say, okay, you don't want young men and women to join the armed forces and go fight.
Then who do you propose advertises during football games?
Oh, no shit.
That's true.
There goes the NFL.
No shit.
It's not worth it to lose the NFL.
It's not worth it.
And, you know, as far as ISIS, we need to take them very, very seriously.
You know, there may only be a couple hundred, maybe a couple thousand of them.
But these people are animals.
These people are animals.
What kind of a human being kills innocent civilians and doesn't take their natural resources?
*laughter*
That's a nonsensical animal.
That's what that is.
That's what that is.
With a terrible business sense.
Has anybody heard that audio of John Kerry saying that before?
Who is he talking to?
He was talking to Oprah.
No, he was talking to the people who want to overthrow Assad in.
And he was at some consulate.
I don't know, and somebody recorded it.
So it wasn't supposed to be recorded.
No.
So that's why it sounds like shit.
Yeah.
iPhones.
Yeah, thank God for the iPhones.
And you know what?
Remember when John Kerry was telling, he was trying to tell Code Pink that they should be behind bombing ISIS.
Do you remember that?
Remember he was a code pink was heckling him and he said, you know, if you're for if you're for educating women, you should be for bombing ISIS because ISIS doesn't educate their women.
And I was like, oh my God, you invented pro-women education bombs?
How does that work?
Do they explode and Kindles fly out of them?
Oh, look, thanks to America's thanks to America bombs.
I get to learn about math and imperialism.
That's a really good Arab accent.
I can't do that.
I can't do that.
I loved Rich Little as a kid.
I feel like I'm listening to him again.
Every stupid thing starts out Irish and then it ends like it just ended.
So I want to do, we have to go.
We're out of time.
Yeah, I know, but I'm going to do one more story.
Easy.
We're going to do one more story.
Because, you know, one of the things on the show is that we've been a horrible country for at least the last 15 years, if not the last 30 years.
No.
Yeah.
Yes.
And the problem is that Barack Obama is so goddamn likable that he makes us all forget all the horrible shit we're doing everywhere, right?
Like, for instance, they had a six-year, it took them to compile a Senate report on torture.
Six years.
They compiled the Senate.
Turns out the CIA was lying to us all the time about how much torture they were doing, what kind of torture, why, where, and how every fucking way they were lying to us about it.
And then the people who were overseeing the CIA, they started spying on those people to try to F them over.
So the CIA, complete bullshitters, but you know, they'd rush other.
So Jimmy.
Yeah.
A little torture never hurt anybody.
Yeah.
That's a little counterintuitive, Representative.
So just to remind you, just to remind you about what the horrible shit America has been doing.
Here's Barack.
We did some things that were wrong.
What?
We did a whole lot of things that were right.
Yeah.
But we tortured some folks.
Folks.
It's so great.
The way he says it.
The way he says it, the way you picture them torturing people.
Like, come on, Omi.
I know.
Come on, Omar.
Cut to a Norman Rocko panting of some kid on a fucking bucket and the hood on his head and electrodes.
Come on.
What the fuck?
We tortured some folks.
You may not know this, but we actually waterboard people while they're in rocking chairs.
Right before we want to torture you, Pete Seeger's going to play you a little song.
If I had to.
Oh, yeah.
You know what?
We war crime some folks.
Can you imagine saying that?
We war crime some folks.
It's such a nice, folksy way of saying it.
We war crime some folks.
And then we went and watched a baseball game.
I wish there was something I could have done about it.
I couldn't have prosecuted the folks torturing the folks.
You can't prosecute folks.
Because they're going to have a jury of their folk peers.
Let me just say it.
Go ahead.
No, I was just going to say, Obama's saying, each person who was tortured did get a season's ticket to Cardinals game.
Let me say this about, so Barack Obama didn't prosecute anybody, right?
Which guarantees that those crimes are going to happen in the future, right?
They're going to happen again.
That's why Donald Trump can go, I'm going to torture the families of people, and I can do work.
Because Barack Obama, again, once again, abdicated his responsibility, and he didn't have to ask anybody permission to do it.
In fact, he was commanded to do it, and he fucking didn't do it.
You're supposed to prosecute war crimes, you son of a bitch.
Wade, hold on.
If you prosecute war crimes, say you prosecute these two psychologists whose job it was to teach the military how to avoid torture and sustain themselves, and they turned it around and started torturing people.
Say you prosecute them, right?
Then what happens?
Then the Republicans get mad.
See, you can't do that.
You can't do that.
You can't make them mad.
Then they'll be like, don't.
And then, you know, you got to deal with that.
And if the Republicans don't like you, then, you know.
You make some good points.
I got nothing against that to argue with that.
You know, Jimmy, I know you called President Obama a son of a bitch, but I'm embarrassed to correct you.
But I think he's son of some folks.
Yo.
Son of some folks.
That's a lot nicer.
See, because Barack Obama didn't torture any, I mean, he didn't prosecute any of the torture people.
Why is that?
Because he said all those torture crimes.
This is literally what he said.
He said, all those torture crimes happened in the past, and Barack Obama's looking towards the future.
That's right.
And when I heard that, I felt a lot better because, you know, all the crimes I've committed, there have been in the past, too.
All the murders get to get out of jail.
That's right.
I am so glad we're not prosecuting past crimes anymore.
I bet all those people in prison are pissed off they committed their crimes in the future.
That's why they're fucking criminals.
They're stupid.
So the reason why I bring this up.
By the way, I've seen some of the autopsy photos of the folks that were being tortured.
Some of the folks that were tortured.
One person was garrotted with yarn.
And another person was smothered by potato salad.
These are folksy ways of being tortured.
Yeah.
All right.
No, Jesus.
That's not Noam Chomsky.
Good God.
He's my favorite.
When's the last time you saw him on TV?
Television.
When's the last time you saw him on an American network?
He was on Modern Family.
I can tell you exactly how many years it's been.
Oh, how many.
CNN, NBC, anything.
When?
Over 10 years.
But, but, but Bill Crystal has gotten a lot of airtime.
And that's who you really need to hear from.
Somebody who was wrong about the Iraq war.
We need to hear more from those people.
You never heard from Bill Donahue.
It's funny.
No, Bill Crinner.
No, Bill Common.
Okay, okay.
Are you talking about Mr. Saturday night?
I would like to see Bill Maher debate Noam Chomsky.
Ooh, me too.
That would not be well from Mars.
You know what?
I would not like to see that.
What?
I would fall asleep.
All right, so here we go.
So I saw this.
I'm going to play it.
This is a great interview.
So the Noam Chomsky, this is.
I saw this at the Grove.
This is a show, Noam Chomsky at the Grove.
We're getting every day at three o'clock outside the fro-yo.
Folks, folks, if you look to your right, Noam Chomsky, come on.
Come on.
Get to gather the kids around.
It's Chomsky time.
And the kids all put on their Chomsky masks and they jump around.
We're going to learn about it.
I think I saw that they bill it as no-cho outside Froyo.
It's 10 o'clock.
It is 10 o'clock already.
Okay.
I watched this.
This guy's.
This guy's a dick.
Now, this guy, this guy from Al Jazeera, I don't know his name, but he's aggressive.
I just said it's Al Jazeera.
Yeah, but I don't know this guy's name.
I know the name.
I think Alan Jazeera.
No, Al Jazeera is a name of it.
That's not an L. He's kind of douchey.
He's kind of a bitch.
This guy, I don't.
But here he is.
He's doing that thing that bothers me, right?
So what I'm talking about, and you've heard me say this a million times, I will say it one more time, is that Donny Tonahan Trump takes the ugly, he puts the ugly face on the horrible shit we've been doing forever, and now people are upset about it.
So now maybe we don't have to fight against half the fucking left anymore, and we can all come together to oppose this horrible shit that the government's been doing.
Meanwhile, half the left, the Obama, the Libra, the fucking Wall Street liberals are been in our way, right?
They've been like, what are you talking about, Brock?
So, and now watch what this guy says.
So this guy falls right into it, this Al Jazeera reporter.
Yeah, I know we've been doing horrible shit, but it's Donald Trump, so it's worse.
You think I'm kidding?
Watch what he says.
He's also said stuff like, I would take the oil, I would bum the hell out of ISIL, kill the families of terror suspects, bring back torture.
I mean, this is stuff that some presidents have done, but no one's ever talked about it as gleefully and openly.
No one has.
No one has talked about it as gleefully, right?
Yeah, it's the talking about it.
That's fucking horrible, isn't it?
I mean, you're going to torture somebody, tick a lock.
Yeah.
Zip it up.
Zip it up, buddy.
I mean, that's what a fucking gentleman does.
And by the way, I don't think this fellow's ever been to one of Henry Kissinger's parties.
I mean, I don't know.
I'm going to play it again just because I think it's fucking unbelievably crazy that his producer didn't say, did you hear what he just said?
Or the executive producer or the guy or his fucking wife or whoever didn't go, hey, what the fuck did you do?
But let's watch.
Here, dude.
He's also said stuff like, I would take the oil.
I would bum the hell out of ISIL, kill the families of terror suspects, bring back torture.
I mean, this is stuff that some presidents have done, but no one's ever talked about it as gleefully and openly as this president.
I mean, that's fucked up, right?
He's talking about it.
We don't say it.
We do it.
What kind of a monster says it?
Ha ha ha!
Thank you.
Thank you.
you Thank you.
Hey, we went way over on this week's show because we wanted to pack some more stuff in.
But listen, if you want to become, there's more, even more to that show.
There's more to that show that happened on Monday.
We did a two-hour show on Monday.
So we're going to have a lot of stuff in the premium this week, a lot more stuff about Noam Chomsky.
I actually get to the left of him, which is nice.
Anyway, there's a lot of stuff.
There's a lot of phone calls.
There's lots of stuff coming up into this week's premium.
So if you haven't been a premium member, this would be the week to become a premium member.
So what do you do?
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, you click on join premium.
It's $5 a month.
And if you pay for the whole year at once, we give you a month free.
So it's less than $5.
Who has a more affordable premium program than the Jimmy Dore show?
Less than $5 a month?
I don't think anybody does.
And so thanks, everybody who does that.
Thanks for being a member.
And I hope you're enjoying the premium content.
All right.
By the way, we'll be having video content soon.
We're getting a new website.
Everything's a lot of things happening.
And that's all made through the possible, all made possible through the support of the Jimmy Dore show listener.
Okay.
Hey, big thanks to everybody who was on the show.
I want to thank Paul Gilmartin, Eddie Pepitone, Dave Anthony from the Dollop Podcast.
Check that out.
You can check out Paul Gilmartin's podcast, too.
It's called The Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast.
Also, thanks to Steph Zamarano, Robert Yasamura, and thanks, everybody, at Flappers.
And today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Jim Earle, Frank Conniff, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zamurano, Robert Yasamura.
And that's it.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
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