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Oct. 22, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
59:48
20161022_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_10-21-16
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Time Text
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
Hi, who?
Hi, who's there?
Jimmy.
Yeah?
Listen to my voice.
This is very important.
Liam.
Time is of the essence.
Liam, is that you, buddy?
Is that you, Liam?
Liam Neeson?
Yes, but you might not know it just from looking at me.
You see, I'm in character.
Do not be alarmed.
Why should I be alarmed?
One question.
You may have noticed lately that I look frail and gaunt.
That I sound frail and gaunt.
Are you ill?
Don't let that fool you.
What?
I am frail and gaunt.
Are you ill?
Are you not feeling well?
What's the matter?
If by ill, you mean dedicating my life to my craft, then sir, call me ill.
But I assure you everything is perfectly under control.
You see, I lost 20 pounds for the role of Father Crystal Val Ferreira, a Jesuit Portuguese priest who travels to Japan to spread the word of Christianity.
Oh, okay, why did you have to lose 20 pounds to play a priest?
I don't understand.
Martin Scorsese told me to.
Fuck, if I know.
And seriously, would you care about the plight of some Christian dipshit if he looked like Chris Christie?
Wait, I'll answer that question for you with a simple shut up.
Okay.
So what is the secret to losing 20 pounds for a movie role?
I mean, what do you do to lose it?
I put myself on a steady diet of sawdust and kiwi fruit.
Okay.
What?
I don't understand why the sawdust.
I get the kiwi, but why the sawdust?
Adds taste.
It adds taste.
It adds taste, so that and that'll make you lose 20 pounds.
If you do it for eight months, yes.
But there's the secret.
Do you want to know the secret?
Yeah, of course I want to know.
What do you of course?
Who doesn't want to know the secret, Oprah?
You can't just lose 20 pounds on nothing but sawdust and kiwi fruit for eight months.
You have to cut it with something.
Really?
What do you cut it with, Liam?
Corey's slug and snail death.
Corey slug and snail death?
Corey slug and snail.
Is there an echo in this room?
Stop repeating everything I say.
Yes, I'm talking about those little snail pellets you toss around the garden that kills slugs and snails.
I know, I know what you're talking about, Liam, but you know you can't eat that stuff.
That stuff is poison, Liam.
You know that stuff is poison, right?
Have you ever met Corey?
No.
Me neither.
But one day I'd like to portray him on the silver screen, health permitting.
That's quite a grueling regimen, Yeliam.
You know, you how do you go about gaining that weight you lost during shooting a movie?
How do you do that?
Interestingly enough, sawdust and kiwi fruit.
Wait.
Jimmy, I hear sounds.
I sense that you are not alone.
Yeah, I'm doing, I'm in a room.
We're doing a live audience show, Liam.
I want you to listen to me very carefully.
All right.
Go to the next bedroom.
Go under the bed and tell me when you're there.
Okay.
I'm there.
Now, the next part is very important.
You're going to be taken.
Taken?
Yes.
Taken by the warmth and good nature of a wonderful group of people out to experience quality, wholesome live comedy in a comfortable environment.
Okay.
I don't know who they are, and I don't know what they want.
Other than a fine selection of beverages and delicious food items off an impressive menu.
But what I can tell you is that I have a very particular set of skills.
Skills they have acquired over a very long career.
Skills that might make me a nightmare for people like them.
Really?
Yes, Jimmy.
I've been doing improv.
Really?
You've been doing improv?
Yes, Jimmy.
They'll be doing a guest appearance tomorrow night at the Bakersfield Flappers with the improvaholics.
The improvaholics.
They've been delighting and surprising audiences with a completely new show every night.
Wow.
I did not know that, Liam.
Did not.
You probably also didn't know they used to call themselves Barrel of Monkeys, but had to change the name.
Why did they change the name from because it sucked?
Why the hell do you think?
Nobody wants to see anybody calling themselves Barrel of fucking monkeys.
I mean, it's a goddamn travesty.
So the name Improvaholics, that means that they're really addicted to improv.
Is that what that means?
Kinda.
But mostly it means they all have a chronic drinking problem.
What's our motto?
Having fun is serious business.
Hey, Jimmy, sorry to cut this short, but I have to go.
Okay, well, can you let us know where you're going to be performing?
Got any gigs coming up with the improvaholics?
If you insist, but I don't have much time.
All right, well, just tell us real soon.
Tomorrow I'll be at Snickers Snark Shack in Van Nuys.
Okay.
Harvard's Laugh Culvert in Culver City.
Gary Skiglatorium and Scab Drop-Off Center in Lodi.
The Tifa's Def Jam and Race Comedy Riot in Compton.
And shit shit shit in Shittsville just off the 134.
Okay, well, listen, Liam, I preach.
Then I'm at the Triangle Fun Waste Factory.
Oh, my God, and rolling on the floor laughing.
There will be a raffle afterwards.
Then we got some one-nighters at Fonto's HaHa Hogan and Tempe.
Hogan's Tempi-Danto in HaHa.
Tempe's Hogan Ha-ha in Toto.
And ha-ha's Toto Tempi at Hogan.
All right, listen, Liam.
Thank you so much for calling me.
I really have to cut this short.
Yeah.
But the week after that, I'm at Shem's Palace of Gluten in Berkeley.
Dr. Brown's abortion on demand chuckle cave and incense eporum and get him buckwheat.
And I'm holding Michael Jackson's Penis Comedy Magic Club at Fedway.
Then I'm at Mom and Dad are disappointed in me in my mind.
Florida, ball flats, in Bend, Oregon.
Vagina's Oyster Hut in Eureka, and they just shot the president in Dallas.
Oh, that's a good club in Dallas.
Monday.
Monday, I'm in remembrance of things laughed.
Slaughterhouse Type 5.
Moby's dick jokes.
The postman always sings twice.
The magnificent Laughter Sons.
Battlefield Mirth.
All's hilarious on the Western Front.
50 Shades of What the Hey?
King Solomon's Lines.
As I Lay Dying of Laughter, Journey to the Center of Lamarth.
20,000 Leagues Under the Glee.
The Grapes of Laugh.
The Telltale Har Heart.
The portrait of who was that lady I saw you with last night.
And Crime and Punishment.
Wow, the crime and pun.
They're still open.
That club is still open?
Yeah, now I really have to go.
Mirth of the Nations, Donkey Jokies, the Scarlet Laughter.
The brothers laugh your ass off.
The Great Laughspies.
Everything you've always wanted to do about sex but were afraid to laugh.
The puns of August.
The laughter and the rye.
Then I'm at Banana's Bone in her basement, not associated with Barry's boner barn.
But you gotta choose, Jimmy.
If you work in Banana's Boner Basement, you can't work at Barry's Boner Park.
I'm not saying it's fair.
I'm just saying that's the way it is.
Okay, I really have to go now.
On New Year's, I'll be.
Okay, listen, that was Liam Neeson.
Liam Neesa, thank you, Liam.
God damn it.
Wow, he does a lot of performing.
I remember seeing him in a shipping container in North Carolina.
I remember seeing him in a shipping container in North Carolina.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say it's hard to talk to you, K Day.
And now, there's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Door.
Hello, everybody.
How you doing?
Yay!
Thanks for coming out on a Monday night.
Look at people come out on Mondays.
Isn't that great?
I'm going to introduce everybody who's on the show.
We have Robert Yasamura's here, ladies and gentlemen.
Hilarious comedian.
You might recognize her from everywhere, including Lucky Louie.
And you're new.
What's the new show you're on?
Take my wife.
Take my wife.
It's Laura Keilinger, ladies and gentlemen.
The voice of Hillary Clinton.
Also, with us, you've seen him on the tonight's show, Conan O'Brien, everywhere else is, oh, they made a documentary about him, the Bitter Buddha.
It's Eddie Pepitzo, ladies and gentlemen.
The miserable liberal is here.
It's Steph Zamorano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Jimmy, I'm great and I'm excited to be here for this Donald Trump fundraiser.
I am gonna grab you right by the People got afraid.
Every time I do a live show, I forget how it goes.
Yeah, this isn't a present.
This is not a visual show, per se.
Close your eyes.
Yeah.
Hey, how do you stop an elephant from charging?
You take away his credit card.
That's exactly what you do.
You fucking.
I love.
No, that's a different joke.
That's a different joke.
That's a different joke.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You take away its credit card.
No.
You're mixing up the punchlines.
I don't.
I'm very dyslexic.
All right, let's start with.
I'm very lexic.
You guys are already on me.
I did two jokes already.
They shit on both of Johannesburg.
Wait, how do you get a nun pregnant?
You fucker.
That's how you.
Oh!
I did not see that.
He had already said it.
Did you know that after the election, Donald Trump's going to launch a new media venture called Trump TV?
Did you know that anything?
Is that true?
That is a true story.
Can't wait.
Sources say Trump TV will feature a compelling programming that will literally grab you by the pussy.
Oh, wow.
It's Trump TV.
I just became dead below the waist once again.
Trump TV is going to differ from other networks because it's impossible to turn off, if you know what I'm talking about.
Hey, here's a list of shows that's going to be featured on Trump TV.
You ready for this, Eddie?
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Who Never Pays Taxes?
Law and Order, Special Trump Victims Unit.
Yeah.
How I Met Your Mother While Cheating on My Wife.
House of Lards.
I didn't write that one.
Another, it says the unrapeable Kimmy Schmidt.
I don't know who that is.
That's good.
Unbreakable is the name of the show.
Oh, I don't watch TV.
Me neither.
Do you not have Netflix?
I do have Netflix, but I don't watch it.
Maybe you should use it.
Yeah.
You're paying for it.
I am paying for Netflix.
Yeah.
I don't even have a DVD player anymore, and they still send me DVDs.
I have that too.
You're not ingratiating yourself to the audience by telling them how incredibly ignorant you are.
I think the audience knows.
Okay.
I know some things.
You're busy, that's all.
Oh, more.
I know some things, but I do have big blind spots.
Let me make sure it's not poisoned.
Oh, huh?
That's a teacher.
That's a teacher and a tester, a taste tester.
The teacher is a taste tester.
That's not fair.
That's not right.
Stephanie is the most important person on this panel.
I'm sorry, because she's an educator.
We're just assholes talking.
It's good to hear that.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Oh, we are smattering the people that like teachers.
That was 17 of you.
Fuck the rest of you.
Yeah.
Sorry you had to hear that, but I dropped the F-bomb after three.
Yay!
That was the most left-wing suck-up move I've ever seen on the stage.
No, but.
She's a teacher.
Applaud her.
I think we should.
I think we should applaud her.
I don't think teachers are giving the...
And I think they're probably more important.
And that's not hyperbole just because I'm going home with her.
Yeah.
But she comes, you know, remember the people who changed your life.
I had a teacher who changed my life.
I was not interested in politics until Mr. Andrela, junior year in high school, made me read Time Magazine every week.
And then I knew that Reagan was full of shit.
That's amazing.
And all you had to do is read Time Magazine.
Back then, Time Magazine still, they don't do it anymore.
You watch the TV.
TV's always been horrible.
And so that's all it took.
And I would tell my dad, my dad was a Reagan Democrat.
You know, one of those dummy.
And anyway, but he eventually did agree.
He did admit to me that he was wrong about Reagan.
I still write to my teachers, believe it or not.
I have two teachers I still write to.
I'm just trying to be a teacher's pet after all this.
Even if it means being in an assisted living center together, I'm going to still want them to say, turn to me and say, Laura, you were the best one.
You were the best kid.
Now that we're all 80, you were the best kid.
And I could say, well, it's taken a long time and a lot of work, but I think you're right.
And then you can kill her.
Like, then you can finally kill her.
I've had to influence being a class clown at this point.
I'm still writing stuff for eighth grade.
I'm still writing material on the crucible.
Come on, people.
So let's get back to the show.
Hey, did you hear NBC is being pressured to release Donald Trump's apprentice outtakes?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I always knew Mark Burnett's production would give birth to a psychopath capable of destroying America, but I just couldn't figure out which one.
As Sinclair Lewis once said, Eddie, when fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in an orange powder and carrying a box of Tic Tacs.
Didn't he say originally that quote was it would be waving the flag and carrying the Bible something like that or the cross, waving the cross, carrying them.
Something like that, yeah.
But religion in the flag.
Riding a bicycle.
I don't know what it was.
I think it was a woman needs a man as much as a fish needs a bicycle going into a Gloria Steinem quote.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Glorian Steideman, I never thought I would be farther left than Gloria Steinem.
Do you think you are?
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Why?
Why do you bring why?
She's Gloria Steinem.
She's voting for a Republican.
She's voting for Hillary Clinton.
Well, I don't think she wanted to.
I think there's another woman running she could fucking support if she wanted to.
All right.
All right.
This is out of left field, but what do you think of John Oliver taking down Jill Stein?
I think John Oliver, what I like is that I like...
I don't like him.
I don't think his accent has brought him so much.
I can't, you know, I don't think he.
Honest to God.
No shit.
If he takes his accent away, that guy is nowhere and he's just yelling.
Nowhere.
She's not shitting.
Americans have such a boner for English.
Fuck off.
He did not.
So I always thought that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were as much, those two guys were as much political humor as America could handle.
And then somebody gave a third voice their chance, John Oliver, and now he takes that chance to shit on the third parties in America, which is fucking horrible.
Hey, how many parties do you get in England, John?
Oh, that's right.
Fucking million of them.
But in America, we only can have two.
You fucking corporate tool.
Go back to your own country.
So you didn't like what he did then.
All right, that's that's what there's a lot of gray area with John.
It's a lot of gray area.
That's what I thought that was shit too, but I mean, I've liked what he's done on that show.
Maybe I haven't watched enough on it.
You know what I like is that he only does one day a week, and he instead of spending time talking about WikiLeaks or Dapple or, you know, something that we're bombing Yemen.
Yeah, what does he talk about?
You know, he talked about how shitty third parties are and that we should fucking laugh at them.
That's what he said.
That's what he said.
Wait, you don't even watch John.
You told me that you make a point of not watching him.
And we'll be right back.
I challenge anyone to top my liberal credentials.
I knew Malcolm X when he was just Malcolm W. How?
Congress is 80% white, 80% male, 92% Christian, and dominated by millionaires.
Yet Bernie Sanders was precocious, whiny, delusional, and crazy for saying the system is rigged.
Not really a joke, but super fucking worthy to say.
I can't wait for the next.
Thank you.
We can skip.
I don't want to do that joke.
Should I do this joke, Eddie?
I can't wait for the next Trump-Clinton confrontation to be over, and there's nothing left to see but the traditional post-debate, shaking of hands, and pussy grabbing.
All right, here we go.
I know.
Should have done it.
I know.
I'm with him.
I'm with him.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Now let's get into it.
Because I don't know if you saw the headline.
CNN president says it was a mistake to hear so many Trump rallies and let he figured that out in October.
So for those of you who don't know, Jeff Zucker is the president of CNN and used to be president.
Is he used to be president of NBC, Eddie?
Making it clear that he's both bad at entertaining and informing.
I'm going to go ahead and just assume he's a lousy lay too.
Well, he's powerful, though.
I thought the powerful were good and bad.
Yeah, I don't know why.
I mean, I'm not powerful.
Thumb dicks.
But anyway, that's not what I heard.
Anyway, last Friday, Mr. Zucker was part, he was part of a talk at Harvard Business School, presumably part of their success through mediocrity series.
At the talk, he said maybe it was a mistake that they basically gave Donald Trump an open forum last year by doing things like showing several of his rallies from start to finish, live, unedited and unfact-checked.
And by the way, it was a mistake, according to everyone who lives in objective reality, too.
Okay, so you'll notice that I didn't say he apologized or really expressed any remorse over this at all, because he didn't, and he isn't.
But, you know, they put Trump on.
They love Trump to networks because he's a fucking car wreck.
And that's what the networks are about.
They want to see the car wreck.
I know.
Well, that's the best artist.
And the violence.
They love the violence.
No, I just had a great thought.
The reason I know that.
And the reason I know he does not regret these things is because since that time when he was airing Trump's rallies unedited and unfact-checked, since that time, CNN has put four declared Trump surrogates under contract as commentators.
We know that, right?
Corey Lewandowski, Kaylee McNanny, Scotty Nell Hughes, and Jeffrey Lord.
Presumably.
Yeah, I know, right?
Presumably, they tried to get Katrina Pierce in, but her mental state makes any contract with her unenforceable.
Wow.
Also, I suspect she throws her own shit at people sometimes.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER If you don't know how bad these four people are, let's just take Corey Lewandowski for example, Eddie.
Donald Trump's first campaign chief.
He was still on the campaign payroll well into his tenure at CNN.
Lewandowski has defended his former master by saying things like, and I'm paraphrasing, maybe Hillary Clinton said lewd things about women in her speeches to banks.
Scotty Nell Hughes says things like Donald Trump, he sacrificed for his country by ruining his first two marriages in the interest of creating jobs.
His wife is a job.
Being his wife is a job.
Is that what I mean?
That creates a job.
That's a good way to look at it.
Trump's wife.
Mike Rose should do that fucking job.
Yeah.
Dirty jobs.
Can you believe it?
And what was Jeff Zucker's rationale?
What was Jeff Zucker's rationale for hiring these, well, people, for lack of a better word?
CNN's normal Republican commentators, who in a normal year would be pieces of shit in their own right.
Absolutely.
The regular CNN Republican commentators had all disavowed Trump of the Trump trash fire.
So in the interest of, no kidding, balance, Jeff Zucker hired the dream team of bad ideas.
And by the way, thank God these guys are under contract because you know how hard it is to find blowhard, misinformed, narcissistic assholes who want to be on television at any given minute of the day.
You know how that is.
FYI, I'm absolutely certain I could call Gary Busey and get just a rational defense of Trump's behavior as I could get from Jeffrey Lord.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
For the sake of argument, let's say hearing two sides of a political argument as if they're equally valid is a good idea.
Let's just say.
It's not.
And by the way, that's not news.
That's not news.
It's not even news analysis.
It's just people talking about what they feel about the news, which you can hear for free at a freaking barber shop or inside your own head.
But in this case, Jeff Zucker took this already shitty format one shittier step Further to something akin to accompanying every report of shooting with commentary from a Smith Wesson representative pointing out that guns don't kill people, people do, but when they do, nothing is better than quality American firearms.
I know this because in the last week I've heard these paid commentators upon hearing their candidates sexually assaulted women.
I've heard them blame the victims.
CNN paid them to come on and blame the victims.
CNN paid them for that point of view.
So Jack Zucker, if you're listening, I would suggest prioritizing the mistakes you are willing to cop to.
And by the way, since you're mentioning mistakes, why not mention mistakes like Don Lemon or Wolf Blitzer?
Or reporting unconfirmed rumors, not investigating the rationale for the Iraq war, or you're closing up news bureaus around the world.
How about Rick Sanchez getting fucking taste?
All right, that's it.
"Fuck you, Jeff Zucker." Now, Eddie, you wanted to say.
Well, I mean, it's great that you take down Jeff Zucker, but.
Thank you.
But the mainstream media, which CNN is and MSNBC and all of this television media, it is so abhorrent.
I can't watch.
I'm amazed that you keep up on all these news stories because what's happened to me is that I am so disgusted with the lack of any journalism at all.
It's all spectacle now.
It's all just a big fucking spectacle.
I agree.
But that's it.
But there is no criticism of what is really going on.
The corporate takeover.
And half of America is a fucking penal colony.
And to even mention that, people are like stunned because they just watch this shit on television.
They watch this shit and they're watching sports and they're fucking playing video games.
Everybody is so inside this distraction culture and this culture of self by design.
But also, they make the presidential race just like it's just two personalities, like Trump versus Clinton.
But no real issues are ever discussed.
And also real issues.
And also they narrow the frame of what can be talked about.
Like right now, since we only have six media companies that give us all the news and all the entertainment and everything else, right now, what the talk is about, should we just bomb Syria or should we have boots on the ground?
There's never the, hey, why don't we get the fuck out of there?
There's never that voice.
Where's that person?
You never hear that.
There's never an anti-war.
There isn't even an anti-war party in America that isn't getting shit on by John Oliver.
Right?
So if you're anti-war, you're fucking crazy.
Right.
There's something wrong with you.
I don't know if you saw Michelle Obama's speech.
It was amazing.
It was amazing that speech.
But at the same time, her husband was bombing Yemen and seven other Muslim countries, killing people and children and women.
He's killing them, killing people in wedding parties and at funerals, killing them with drone bombs.
He has a list of people he wants to kill.
When he wakes up every morning, he checks it off.
Go kill that motherfucker and whoever is around him.
Right now, Barack Obama is using the Espionage Act to jail journalists who expose war crimes in America.
Right now, he's doing that.
And he's pushing the job-crushing, climate-killing TPP right now.
But did you see Michelle's speech?
It was fucking great.
Right.
That's right.
That's right.
Because the Democrats know how to talk nice.
They know how to talk.
Like, Trump is this vile, fucking used car salesman.
But Hillary talks really nice and talks about reform and talks about caring for the poor people.
But the policies are dumb.
Here you go.
Here you go.
And everybody's like, well, I'm voting for Hillary.
I'm like, I'm with her.
I'm with her.
And if you're not with her, you're a fucking loser.
That's what I get a lot.
If you're not with her, or you're with him.
Yes.
Really?
Is that your fucking analysis of that?
That is their analysis.
What if?
I feel like Trump might just be a distraction.
You think?
I mean, I mean, sincerely a distraction.
Like, we don't even realize how deep this is going.
I mean, no, no, no.
The world does.
I kind of feel like, and I guess you'd call this a conspiracy theory, that Trump is going to lunatic.
It's so crazy that he is on Hillary's side, that nobody really expects him to win.
He couldn't possibly win.
So he keeps saying these things and acting so outrageous and like such a pig and being worse than Mel Gibson.
And so in the meantime, we have no choice.
That's the bar.
I feel like I feel that Christ movie, though.
No, I don't.
I like that glass.
I'm not saying he's not.
I'm not saying Mel Gibson.
I think Mel Gibson's a great director.
Here's my point.
I feel.
I don't know why.
I feel that Trump didn't even expect it to go this far because he's always been friends with the Clintons.
And I just think that he's like this.
Oh, look over there.
And you won't notice all the shit bad shit that we're doing.
And you look over there and it's like, oh, wow, who's that jackass?
We can talk about Trump.
It's all for the Clintons.
Well, you know what, Jimmy?
I just want to jump in and say right now we're up to $10 all raising for Donald Trump and his campaign.
And it's very exciting.
So keep sending me that money.
$10.
Let's see if we can make it $11.
Hey, the live show.
Hope you're enjoying the live show from Monday.
Hey, we're doing another live show.
It originally was scheduled for November 5th, but it's been moved.
Now we had to move it.
And it's November 19th.
That's a Saturday, 8 p.m.
We're doing it at the Hollywood Improv.
So, you know what?
Don't even go to the website yet.
I have gotten a link.
I have to get a link.
I'll put it up.
But just put it on your calendar.
Why am I even telling you?
I bet you by the time you listen to this podcast, there will be a link up at jimmydoorcompedy.com.
And for tickets, discount.
Oh, no, the tickets are $10.
So no discounts.
So, yeah, we're doing a Jimmy Door show.
So we're going to be doing it in the improv lab, right?
So it'll be more intimate.
I think it's only maybe, is it 50 seats or something?
So it's really cool.
I really love that space.
So anyway, November 19th.
And I'm sure by the time you listen to this, I'll have a link up at the website.
Oh, you know where the link would be?
The link is right above the Amazon.com box.
What's that, Jimmy?
Well, that's a great way.
That's a thing that helps you support the show without actually spending money or giving, you know, it doesn't cost you anything.
What do you mean?
So the next time you shop at Amazon, and no, we don't encourage anyone to shop at Amazon.
But if you're going to, anyway, we say have some of that Amazon money, go to a good Cause like the progressive show, the Jimmy Door show.
How do you do that?
Well, next time you want to buy something from Amazon, you swing by jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And right underneath that link for the November 19th show is our Amazon.com box.
You just click it.
You'll see it.
And then it takes you to Amazon.
And when you buy something, they send us money.
It's just that easy.
All right.
Thanks to everybody who does that.
It really helps support the show.
It's a great thing because it doesn't cost you anything.
That's why we love it.
All right.
Well, let's get back to the second half.
A lot of stuff coming up.
By the way, you know, Shep Smith came out today.
No kidding.
No kidding.
Who's next?
Barry Manilow?
But he admitted it.
Wait, talk about how tough is that to be the gay guy at the Fox News barbecues?
Right?
That's a tough crap.
You got to take shit from Tucker Carlson.
Imagine being the gay guy standing next to Ailes going, yes, she does have nice tits.
You're the gay guy who goes up to make it crazy, man.
It's not Sam Raspan if I'm gay.
I'm not enjoying it.
Anyway.
Don't you think all of this CNN stuff should just be done with puppets?
Yes.
Why are they doing it with puppets?
It should be DC follies.
Yeah.
I don't know if people are old enough to remember.
Puppets and a piano player in the side like a piano.
I can play piano no.
I think I can remember when CNN was considered like a serious news source.
Am I insane?
No, no, no.
There was a time when they gave us news.
Because I remember my mom and I okay, well, let's try and learn something.
Watch CNN.
Let's try and learn something.
I've been saying that a lot of people like the time to vote third party is this year because Donald Trump completely destroys the Republican Party.
If you want to have progressive Congress, a progressive House and a progressive Senate in two years, vote Jill Stein because we'll get one.
Yes, Jill Stein.
And we need to have a way.
There's no way right now where you can vote against Goldman Sachs.
There's no way to vote against the military industrial complex or Raytheon.
There's no way to vote against Wall Street.
There's no way against Maltzmore fracking.
There's no way to vote against any of that shit.
And we need a way to vote against that.
And that's why we need to elevate third-party voices in America and not shit on them.
Good for you.
Both parties, business and Wall Street and the military industrial complex have two parties.
It's time the American people have their own party.
Yeah.
And go ahead.
I want to say something about third parties.
I have to mention this.
My boyfriend's friend said something that I thought was very astute about third parties that you don't know anything about them until an election.
Like, wouldn't it be nice if there was some way that they were doing things throughout the year to kind of bring awareness so that we knew who they were?
They shut them out from the debates, too.
That's huge.
Not only that, that they should, because the last time Jill Stein showed up in a debate, they arrested her.
That's right.
The time before that, they arrested her.
And they handcuffed her to a chair for eight hours.
Why do you think they did that?
Because they're not afraid of third parties.
That's why they did that.
Why do you think they demonized Ralph Nader, even though it wasn't Ralph Nader who lost the election for Al Gore?
They do that because they don't want anybody having a fucking voice outside the pre-approved corporate talking points.
That's why.
Why do you think in 2004, one woman alone got 5,000 signatures for Ralph Nader, and they invalidated all of them because her signature, that woman's signature, didn't match her driver's license signature.
That's how they control it.
They don't let people in debates.
Most of Americans want third parties in debate.
You're not going to get them.
Most Americans want a public option.
We're not going to get it.
Most Americans want gun control.
We're not going to get it.
We ain't getting shit because our government has already been taken from us.
It's been scientifically proven.
We live in a fucking oligarchy.
So if you think voting for Hillary Clinton is the way to make things better, you're out of your fucking mind.
That's right.
That's right.
So here is Steve Smith.
My point was also that it's our fault.
Oh, hold it.
Hold it.
Go ahead.
No, but I mean, it's our fault.
Whomever the third party person is and that person doesn't make themselves even out there available before a very certain time.
Like until September.
Like we don't know what anyone does throughout.
I kind of agree with you, but I'm not speaking to you, Robert.
Oh, God.
No, I'm not even.
I'm not saying this.
I mean, most people don't honestly know who the third party is until the very end of the day.
Until a major comedian marginalizes them.
No, but I know.
So that means that right on, by the way.
But I believe that third parties have to start going out of their way as well and just make themselves known.
But Jimmy's point was that they get marginalized.
I mean, all right.
So that's like when people would tell me, Jimmy, why don't you take your political comedy and go on the tonight show?
I'm like, okay, I'll call him and let him know I'm coming.
Yeah, right.
With Jimmy Finn.
They all like Jill Stein.
And now I can't even remember the fourth guy, John St. John Johnson, man.
His name is Gary, man.
Do you think that they're actually being actively shut out even before all yes?
I don't think so.
Yes.
See, I would say somewhere in between the two of you, which is they're just not good television.
That's really what it comes down to.
No, as opposed to the good television that Hillary Clinton is.
That's not what I'm saying.
You know, she's so riveting.
Let's do that.
She's riveting.
I think we need to take a documentary.
We need to do a documentary.
So we got our third party personality.
Third party people don't know.
The news.
That's all.
That's it.
There's a fucking reason why they don't want the news, Robert.
Robert McConnell.
No, no, no, no, no, no, who owned the news don't want them to be a newspaper.
There's a reason why Phil Donahue isn't on the fucking news.
He's riveting and he's not on the fucking news.
There's a reason why Matt Schultz isn't on the fucking news.
I thought he's riveting me.
And he's not on the news.
I thought you, Robert, listened to this podcast.
I am not discreet.
All I'm doing was, I was saying, I was saying to Laura, I think that that's why third-party candidates in off years don't make their presence noticed because they're shut out.
They just don't have the celebrity.
They just don't have to say, couldn't we do something about it?
Well, I think Santa Mega is a good example of they have Green Party people on their city council.
They have people, Green Party people who run for Congress.
I think that that's Kashama Sawant, who now is the city council member in Seattle, who fought, she fought and won.
She got the $15 minimum wage in Seattle.
And guess who she had to fight to get the $15 minimum wage?
The Democratic Party.
Wow.
That's who she had to fight.
All the Democrats told her to stop it and she's never going to get it.
And she beat him anyway.
So let's move on.
We have to move on.
So here's Steve Schmidt, and he's talking about disco's.
Fuck that guy, I think.
I agree.
I mean, I'm just looking at him and I don't like him.
I think.
I don't know.
Unless he's cool.
Steve Schmidt was campaign manager for McCain for America.
Yes.
Here's what this gets to.
McCain is a batch shit.
So I've already played on the show all those people who, you know, remember Donald Trump said, you knew I was a snake before you took me in.
Donald Trump, They all knew he was a snake before they took him in.
And here's Steve Schmidt.
Now, here's what he's saying.
This is why it's important.
If everybody who agreed with Jill Stein's policies voted for Jill Stein, we'd win the fucking election in a plurality, okay?
But those people are so beaten down with Stockholm syndrome that they're afraid.
They don't want to try to make an escape.
They don't try to make a break for it because if they get caught, the guards will beat them.
So what they're doing right now is trying to figure out which is the nicest prison guard.
Absolutely.
That's what they're doing.
But they're all, but they're all you're talking about the average person, right?
But they're all so fucking numb.
Watching sports and from the bottom of the street.
I'm talking about my girlfriend.
Walking dead.
Walking Dad is on.
You don't have a union wage, Al.
I don't care.
Walking Dead is on.
Al, what do you think about unions?
I don't care, the Jets.
Ah, they're not covering the spread.
Ah!
Brady's hurt!
Brady's hurt!
Even I know Brady doesn't play for the Jets, you fuck.
I was jumping from team to team.
Everyone knows he's played for the Blackhawks.
All right, here we go.
So here is more proof.
This is just me patting myself on the back.
This is more proof that this is the year to do it.
And if Donald Trump did become president, it would be, we'd have three Republican parties and we would have a progressive majority in Congress in two years.
And then we can elect a real progressive as president in four years and then we can have a real life.
And people like to knock this down and people like to beat me up about it.
But the only thing they offer back is voting for Hillary Clinton.
That's their big fucking idea.
Yeah.
That's their big idea.
And they're smug about it.
They always know what I'm talking about.
Yes, they're in here.
They're in here.
But they're all fucking over.
They're not in here.
A couple are.
A couple are.
No doubt about it.
Jimmy.
I don't know what they're talking about.
She's good.
She's good.
So here is Steve Schmidt.
Let's listen to what he says about what Donald Trump is doing.
I don't like this fuck.
I don't like him.
This candidacy.
Chris?
Chris is long gone.
Is it not projected?
Chris is injecting methamphetamine into his penis in the bathroom.
Okay, I got it now, I think.
Stand by, Chris.
Stand by, right?
This candidates all want to do it.
The magnitude of its disgrace to the country is almost impossible, I think, to articulate.
But it has exposed the intellectual rot in the Republican Party.
It is exposed.
So now, this is a guy who's talking about the rot inside the Republican Party.
And I don't know if you know anything about him, but he was running the campaign that brought us Sarah Palin.
Is that true?
Yes, it is.
You are right.
I'm hating.
I'm shocked.
And this is a shot.
Shocked, I tell you.
There's gambling here.
Thank you.
Thank you for getting the reference.
That was from Cassa Black.
That's what he's doing right now.
That's what he's doing.
There's an intellectual rot inside the Republican Party.
Somebody call Sarah Palin.
That's what he's doing.
But let's go.
Here we go.
He's losed at a massive level the hypocrisy, the modern-day money changers in the temple like Jerry Falwell Jr.
And so this party, to go forward and to represent a conservative vision for America, has great soul searching to do.
And what we've seen in the danger for all of these candidates is over the course of the last year, these candidates who have repeatedly put their party ahead of their country, denying what is so obviously clear to this is the guy who gave us Sarah Palin.
He's upset that other people are putting something before the country.
Well, I like that he said soul.
We have to find out.
Now, by the way, at no point does he mention that.
I'm the worst of this.
I did the worst thing in the world.
I freaking did this.
I gave you the tea party.
I gave you Seraph.
He doesn't say any of that shit.
Yet he, you know, perfect mainstream media person.
No, I was just going to say, it would be so great if the dip shit interviewing this guy knew it.
Yeah.
And said, well, but what are you talking about?
You gave us Sarah Palin.
Right.
What a moment that would be on live television.
Here's another person who gave us Sarah Palin, and here's what she has to say.
And she's with Brian Williams.
You know, Brian, I love Brian Lynn.
Where's Brian?
Live these days.
He's on the 11th hour.
What's that mean?
That's the name of the show.
It's called the 11th Hour.
Really?
Hey, what happens when you get caught lying on your news show?
I find them charming.
You get another one.
You get another one.
I find him charming.
Billy Bush got to go.
The guy who lies to us about the war.
Let's go.
I think the 11th hour is a term for just making things up.
Like dreaming, you know, saying whatever you want and feeling however you feel.
I wish.
I was in an improv group called the 11th hour.
They're going to be at Funger's Brothers.
When about savings toxicity, we are already there.
We're choking on it.
And, you know, I think it's ludicrous that people are in this, you know, almost like speed dating.
I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out.
This is not about the harm done to the Republican Party in 26 days.
This is about the harm that will be wrought on the Republican Party, particularly among women voters.
But I think, I mean, this is far from a women's issue at this point.
This is about someone who brags about being a sexual aggressor, now blaming all of the accusers of said sexual aggression.
I think the damage and the stain on the GOP is potentially a generation long.
Vote Jill Stein.
That's all I got to say.
A generation long.
Vote Jill Stein.
The stain on this party is a generation long.
Vote Jill Stein.
And if Hillary Clinton had a scrap of dignity in her body, she would tie Donald Trump to the Republican Party.
And guess what?
She's not doing it.
She's letting them separate Donald Trump from the Republican Party because it benefits her and not her party, and she doesn't give a fuck.
But I say vote for her.
Here is Howard Dean.
You know, the only time you get in trouble in Washington, D.C. is when you accidentally tell the truth, right?
Howard Dean accidentally tells the truth here.
Isn't he some shit, though, now?
What is he doing?
Howard Dean was the guy.
In 2003, said, if you want to know why half the country isn't voting, it's because you have to give them something to vote for.
Good.
Yeah.
And now he's backing Hillary.
To save himself.
So Howard Dean says, if you want to know why half the country isn't voting, you have to give them something to vote for.
And now he's back in Hillary.
You ever notice how everybody just saves their own ass and their house.
And Ralph Nader saved everyone's asses, by the way, with safety belts.
No kidding.
Ah, come on.
I don't wear one.
I mean, I like to just drive.
He's an incredible person that people don't even think of.
Yeah.
So here he is.
He's like to drive at night without safety.
Here's Howard Dean.
It's okay.
She said there have been a lot of winners in globalization.
But why?
So they're talking about the TPP, and she says, you know, there's a lot of winners in globalization, meaning, you know, a handful.
She must be smart because those glasses.
Right.
That's what I was thinking.
Those are smart glasses.
And you would be good.
Here we go.
I'm the force.
She's non-directed on the day.
That's why I just got her glasses on.
I'm going to start playing.
Alex.
I'm going to start playing in a second, so get ready to talk.
Jimmy.
Zing.
Stephanie.
said there have been a lot of winners in globalization but why didn't people have the foresight to include in these policies some kind of safety net for those who would be left behind because washington is the last place in america that has any idea what the hell is going on they're really completely washington is basically middle school so why should we so there you go he picked because nobody knows what they're the last the last place to know what's going on is inside the bubble of washington dc that's what he just said and that's the truth and that's a mistake that he said
that because he's going to get fucked now why should we elect somebody who's lived in washington and served in washington he's supporting the person running for president who is the longest running resident of washington dc and the most powerful running resident here we go ready served in washington because we have no choice so now so now we've gone to the lesser of two evils to the lesser of no fucking choices that's how bad you don't have a choice it's
my number you don't have a choice you don't have a choice suck it take what the fucking corporation because howardy howard dean is taking what the corporation gives him and it's a couple million dollars a year yeah what is he he's is he's a lobbyist he works for the biggest lobbyist firm in the world fuck him he works for the same company newt gingrich works for he's a sellout he has been ever since they screwed him over everybody i know is a sellout watch may i could i get another
martini and a plate of fries i'm getting a little down jeffrey i'm gonna also need another cocktail please and so let's now watch how howard dean immediately realizes he's screwed up and starts lying is that right he's gonna start lying immediately this is good television donald trump is an ignoramus i mean he knows nothing and he doesn't care about anything he doesn't know anything about policy hillary clinton is really bright she knows and she gets it oh oh really you just said everybody who wants to that's the last fucking place in the world she gets it you get
if you want somebody who gets it you go to the person who lives in washington longer than any fucking money you know why because they get it i know what i just said the gates everything i'm saying now pay no attention this is worse than when i screamed isn't it by the way this is what it's become now it's such a mind fuck to watch this shit you know i just start jerking off i start masturbating i'm like i'm like i just start masturbating it makes you
feel like a trapped ape doesn't yes i have my wife throw food at me i know i know i can't even masturbate and i feel like masturbating because i don't care anymore i don't even care enough to masturbate how about that let's let's have a contest on who's gone lower and i'm bad between the two of you i just go through the motions uh this is so limply uh maybe i'll call me i won't i don't care you guys are really bringing me down i i do
masturbate i need two popsicle sticks and some tape but i still do it so here that's what i think shakespeare meant to masturbate or to not masturbate so when you see a guy like this that's what life is when you see a guy like this on a dime i pivot on a dime accidentally telling the truth about washington to fucking lying at the top of his lungs just now right
and he goes on and on he goes on but it was seamless she got elected senator in new york state by going upstate new york which is a republican area and listening to people instead of talking at them she listened to them fuck you you are so full of shit she she was she was coronated that freaking senator from new york and you know what you liar okay and then so i ask you this so if a regular person whose job just got outsourced to some other poor country with more desperate people yeah if somebody like that wants to watch this guy
who should i vote for and then you see him do that what's the difference between him and trump what is the difference between that guy and a liar like trump there is no fucking difference he's lying to you he's selling you a shit sandwich who's going to undercut workers forever and he's telling you she's good for you he's a liar he's a sellout he's a corporate tool he is what's wrong with politics in america just like hillary clinton is and if you want to know why half the country's in poverty or poor it's because of fucking pricks like this propping up neoliberals who are selling out the working class
that's why absolutely and the media just they they don't criticize they do not criticize let them go on and they don't call them on this shit and that's why they're completely unwatchable they don't that's why they don't come on my show it's what oh they wouldn't know what the fuck to say to you i remember thinking i can't watch jerry springer or sally jesse raphael and now we're watching them against each other yeah oh forgive me if i said something no it's no that's very
observational they didn't do an ooh you're wrong they did an ooh that's that's interesting that's one of the i don't know if you know but in berlin they're honoring uh edward snowden julian and chelsea manning thank you thank you will they're uh they're honoring they made statues wow they made statues to them in berlin i don't know i i it's never nazis anyway but the whole point to be fair those statues started out as the bgs and they just they were like well let's
let's two of them are dead let's let's go with these guys so in syria i don't know if you know in syria there's a war right now going on in syria and um uh we're bombing there right i don't know if you remember a couple years ago general wesley clark let us know that after 9 11 they already wanted to invade syria right they had iraq syria they had it all planned out and we're doing it anyway and a couple years ago they said hey
they're using chemical weapons in syria and john kerry came out and gave a big speech saying we can't let this happen we have to go bomb syria because they're using chemical weapons they're killing people with chemicals we have to go kill people with bombs that's that's a great uh logic president obama said well i'm gonna ask the congress do you remember that and he put it to a vote congress voted town and so they're like oh we don't get to bomb syria so next time they just didn't ask us and now they're fucking bombing syria all right so they got smart they decided we
better not ask the people anymore because the people don't want us to bomb anymore so we're just gonna do it so right now barack obama is bombing syria while michelle gives a great speech but we'd never bomb hospitals we would never bomb hospitals not even in korea or vietnam would we ever think of hurting innocent civilians not us it is so funny you bring that up oh because here's john kerry huh he got famous by decrying an illegal war asking how do you ask the
last man to die for an illegal war here's what he had to say about syria by the way syria's all we shouldn't be there we should not be there syria started because of a famine there was a famine because of why what happened well there's global warming there's climate change and there was a drought in syria so then when the farmers all their crops failed they came into the cities looking for work and there wasn't any and so assad went to the un and said hey i got a drought can you help me and they said no and
so he went back and started shooting the protesters and then that's how this all started started because of climate change this is is only one of the first not the last Believe me, wars over water, okay, and climate change.
I've already had wars in my building over water.
I punched the guy anyway.
So it really is happening.
We're allowing oil companies to be our liaison to the environment.
We're letting them dictate how we interact with the environment.
And you know, when the summer ice melts in the Arctic, that alarms everybody.
But it doesn't alarm Exxon.
They go, fuck, we can drill in the Arctic now.
And that's what they do.
They drop half a billion dollar bits in the Arctic.
So right now, here's John Kerry talking about what we ought to do in Syria right now.
Here's what he has to say.
The regime attacked yet another hospital.
And 20 people were killed and 100 people were wounded.
And Russia and the regime over the world, more than an explanation about why they keep hitting hospitals and medical facilities and children and women.
These are acts that beg for an appropriate investigation of war crimes.
You know, Kerry's statement would make a bigger impact if in 1971 he hadn't said the exact same thing to Congress about the U.S. troops in Vietnam.
And when we, you know, what he's really doing is he's asking the Russian government to use the same discretion and judgment we used when we invaded Iraq.
These are supposed to be jokes.
No, they are not.
They are not jokes, Jim.
But they're just sad because that's literally what's happening.
He's telling, he wants to investigate Russia for war crimes.
And I don't know if you remember, but we invaded Iraq illegally, ordered war crimes to cover it up.
Nobody ever prosecuted the balls of this guy.
Right now, we have Guantanamo Bay still open.
The balls of this guy is unbelievable.
So I say join us next week when John Kerry justifies incinerating a wedding party while criticizing Russians for bombing a hospital.
Here on truth or consequences.
You know what?
You know what a lot of the American people do?
You look at a guy like that and he gives a speech and people want to believe that we're good.
Oh, they do.
They do.
They look at that and they go, yeah, let's do it right.
No, they look and they say, oh, I want to be on the good side.
So they believe Kerry because they don't want to look at it.
You know, it's like your family, not your family, but all our families.
No, my family.
They're such deep shit.
So he's sitting there screaming about hospital bombings in Syria.
And all you have to do is look back, I don't know, a couple months to when we were bombing hospitals in Afghanistan.
And then we left, we bombed there.
We went to bomb another hospital in Yemen.
We bomb hospitals.
If they think there's terrorists in the hospital, they bomb the hospital.
They kill babies.
They kill sick people.
They do it for hours.
They were calling the Pentagon saying, what are you doing?
They're like, just keep going.
But nobody.
They got trapped in there and they were begging.
They were begging.
They knew what they were doing and they did it anyway.
So I don't know what John Kerry's doing.
I don't know what Michelle Obama's doing giving a speech pretending that Donald Trump is the worst thing that America has to offer.
Because the worst thing that America has to offer isn't being talked about on the news.
They're not talking about how militarized police are arresting peaceful protesters and journalists right now in North Dakota standing up for water.
And those cops, those cops are not doing that at the behest of the North Dakota people.
Those cops are doing that at the behest of the donors to Barack and Hillary Clinton.
That's who they're fucking working for.
They're not working for us.
They're not working for you.
They're not working for the people in the plains or the bad lands of the Dakotas.
They're not working for the Native Americans.
They're definitely working for the corporations who want to pollute our water.
That's who they're working for.
That's right.
And this guy, Kerry, goes on up there.
Right now, we're giving leaded water to people in Michigan.
And the way they fix every problem is bombing.
Why don't we just bomb Flint?
Maybe we'll fix it.
We weren't a bomb anybody.
It should be Texas.
Texas.
Texas.
*phone rings*
Hello.
Hey, Governor Chris Christie.
Governor?
Who wants to know?
Okay.
Governor, it's Jimmy Doer.
How are you, buddy?
It's great to hear your voice.
Fantastic.
It's good to hear from you.
Now, let me ask you a question, if you don't mind.
Are you calling to Berate me as a Trump surrogate, or are you calling to Berate me as a corrupt state politician?
Because I got an answer for both.
Fuck you.
Hey, a lot of swearing on this week's podcast.
Holy cow.
That's what happens when you do your show.
I'm doing a political show at a nightclub, and people are drinking.
I was drinking out of an empty stomach that night.
That's not a good idea.
So that was accidental.
Okay, anyway, I hope you enjoyed the show.
You could hear the rest of that Chris Christie call.
Plus, there's a Paula Dean call.
There's lots of calls coming up in the premium.
And how much does that cost you?
It's $5 a month.
And if you pay for the whole year at once, it's even less.
We give you a month free.
So it's not, it's like nothing.
Everyone who listens to this podcast, you get that.
So how do you get the premium, Jimmy?
You go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You click on join premium and we'll send you a passcode in the email.
And that's that.
So, okay, so thanks to everybody who is a premium member because that's what makes this thing run.
All right.
That was, I hope you enjoyed.
Oh, boy.
Thanks to all the guests.
Eddie Pepitone, fantastic.
Robert Yasimura, thank you so much.
Laura Keitlinger, one of my all-time faves, huh?
She's fantastic.
She's doing Hillary Clinton for us.
And of course, the miserable liberal.
All right.
Thanks to everybody at Flappers for all the help.
Thanks to Barbara and Dave Reinitz and Barbara Holiday.
And Will, I love you.
Thanks, everybody, and Jeffrey, for taking care of us.
Okay, so I think I got everybody.
Thanks for everybody for listening.
That's it for this week.
Oh, it's at the show.
The show was written by Frank Conniff, Jim Earl, Mike McRae, Mark Van Landuitt, Robert Yasamura, and Steph Samurano.
All the voices performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McCreau, can be found at mikemcray.com.
All right, that's it for this week.
Till next week, this is Jimmy Dore saying you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
That are cute.
Do not freak out.
I'm not do not freak out.
I'm not do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
Do not, do not, do not, do not, do not do nothing.
I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not freak out.
I'm not.
I'm not going to give it.
Do not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't get the fuck up.
Do not freak.
Do not freak out.
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