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Aug. 20, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:03:03
20160820_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_8-19-16
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Today's show is recorded in front of a live audience at the Flappers Comedy Club for the Burbank Comedy Festival.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore show.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy, it's Gary Jay.
Wow.
Wow.
Gary Johnson.
Oh, Libertarian nominee for Prez.
You know, I never, I never knew what you sounded like before.
I never knew this is what you sounded like.
Yeah, I didn't know either.
It's like you sound like Jack Nicholson almost.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
That's cool.
I like that.
That's cool.
Well, listen, Gary, how are you?
How are you doing in general?
Not too bad, man.
Not too bad.
My name's Gary, man.
Yeah, I got it.
I got it.
That's funny.
Okay, your name is Gary.
That's funny.
Okay.
I'm here to deliver some good news.
We could use some good news, Gary.
What is your good news, buddy?
There is a third way.
As the late, great Bill Hicks used to say, squeegee that third eye and perceive the third way.
The third way?
You mean the Green Party?
You got the Gearing Party.
You got it, man.
The Green Party is the option for right-minded free to.
Oh, snap.
Oh, you got me.
That was dirty shit, man.
Dirty shit.
No, dog, the Libertarian Party.
Libertarian.
Right, right.
Look, I'm just messing with you, Gary.
Hey, listen, how is that third way thing going?
Oh, great.
Actually, great.
I mean, to tell you the truth, we have really thrived off the chaos of this bonkers campaign.
It's been nuts, as you know, and we are polling sometimes in double digits, depending on the day or what's going on in the news.
Why would.
Hey, let's not dwell too much on what I sound like.
I know.
I'm not.
You sound a little like now Joe Lieberman.
Okay.
I just want to ask that since you're not going to win the president.
Wait, hold on, hold on.
You don't know that.
Yes, I do.
You're not going to win.
And since you're not going to, why should I give you my vote?
A lot of people have been calling to sway me this way or that way.
And I'm willing to give you a fair shot.
I really am.
Well, man, you seem like a perfect candidate for libertarianization to be libertarianized.
Why would that be, Gary?
Weed, man.
Weed.
The marijuana of the Mary Jane.
The icky sticky, the four dozen other juvenile slang terms for it.
Yeah, okay.
I got it.
The T to the H to the C. You know, you're down, Jimmy Door, like a clown downtown going down on Charlie Brown.
Okay.
Well, wouldn't you like to see?
Listen, I smoke marijuana quite frequently, but not enough to make me.
Well, wouldn't you like to see the DEA reschedule marijuana so it isn't classified as the same level of narcotic as heroin enough?
Yes, yes, I would.
And I would feel that way whether or not I personally smoke marijuana.
That's the truth.
Well, guess which presidential candidate feels the same way?
Old Gary Jay.
No pun intended.
You think Hillary's going to legalize pot?
No, I don't think Hillary will legalize pot.
You think Trump's going to legalize pot?
No.
No, I do not think Trump will.
Well, then I think you found your guy.
Long search for worthy presidential candidate over.
Your quest is at an end, young pilgrim.
Rest your weary bones.
Let the children of the oasis wash your gnarled feet and light up a fat doobie.
Come on.
Come on, where downtown?
I'll bring my special downtown bong.
All right, listen.
I mean, I mean, come on.
That one issue is not the be-all and end-all of this campaign.
As much as that issue is important, there are much greater things at stake here, Gary.
That's what I'm saying.
Like what?
Are you how about this?
The stability of the entire globe.
I'm a holler government, dude.
What?
What are you saying?
Smaller government will fix all these dude ads and doohickeys for you.
You got to be kidding me.
How will that fix everything?
You get government out of the way.
The free market is free to do its magic.
The invisible hand of Adam Smith is free to give the world its invisible hand job.
Then everything falls into place.
The people stop being dicks.
ISIS goes away.
Putin chills out.
It's like the age of aquariums, man.
Are you serious right now?
I don't know.
I'm really more of the pot guy.
Bill Weld has more of these answers that you're looking for.
Well, listen, listen, I wanted to ask you, you know, your positions as a libertarian.
Like, for instance, let's talk about Social Security because, you know, people don't save for retirement.
So people need their Social Security.
By the way, Social Security, the most successful social program in the history of social programs, has never missed a chance.
needs to be smaller.
We're even talking about making...
Well, no, that's dumb.
But we're, you know, that kind of thing.
But though, the obvious cuts are even to things that beyond social security, like drugs, you get rid of, stop the war on drugs.
We can afford Social Security finally.
Okay.
Well, it's worth a shot.
Get rid of putting these people in prisons.
Get rid of these crazy wars.
Get rid of all these stoplights and roads and emergency services.
I think people like emergency services.
See, everyone's with libertarians up to a point.
You just need to go the rest of the way.
You need to come with us to the rest of the list.
I think everyone likes their emergency services, Gary.
They like their.
Oh, really?
They like the fireman showing up all the time?
Yes.
I mean, when there's a fire, yeah, they really...
What do you say to those people?
Well, that's not how it works, is it?
A vote for Gary Johnson is a vote for the Gary Johnson.
I mean, that's who you're voting for.
You're saying it's a vote for Trump is Ridiculous.
Yeah, I agree.
I think you should be allowed to vote your conscience in America.
I mean, if America means anything, it means that we could vote our conscience, right?
I mean, if someone wants to vote for you, that means they get to vote for you and they don't have to feel bad about it.
Yeah, exactly.
But as long as it's not for Jill Stein, that's definitely throwing your vote away.
What?
That's not throwing what?
Like, you got to be out of your mind.
What do you want Trump to be president?
Gary, what do you, that's the exact someone could use that exact argument against you.
That same thing applies to you.
What are you talking about?
Dude, I'm fucking high here, man.
Come on.
Don't say that.
You're freaking me out.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, dude.
Jesus Christ.
Gary, I'm just pointing out.
Now I need something to take me back down.
All right, Gary.
I appreciate it.
Thanks for calling in.
Thanks for being on our show.
I'm for shrooms, too.
Okay.
All right.
Gary Johnson.
I want a hand for Mike McCrae.
It's the Jimmy Door show.
The show for blackbirds.
The kind of people that are.
No men's maybe on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to your TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Doer.
Hello, everyone.
How are you?
It's 5 p.m. on a Wednesday.
At the Burpe Comedy Festival, perfect.
All right.
Hey, everybody.
Here's Robert Yasamura.
Let's have a hand for Robert Yasamura.
Emmy award-winning writer Jim Earl is with us.
Hi, Jim.
From the miserable liberal, it's Steph Zamarano.
Hey, Steph.
It's the hilarious you know him from the award-winning documentary, The Bitter Buddha.
It's Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Also, Eddie, I recognize you from all your late night work.
That's what I recognize you from.
I'll tell you.
Hey, did you hear this is true?
Ariana Huffington is leaving the Huffington Post to spend more time aggregating with her family.
Did you hear that?
Hey, I don't know about you.
Are you watching the Olympics?
Who's watching the Olympics, huh?
Somebody.
I'm watching the Olympics.
But I got to tell you, I was let down by the opening ceremonies because I still remember.
Remember the last opening ceremonies for the summer was in China?
Two ago.
Was that two ago?
See, it still sticks with me.
Everybody loses four years.
That's how long ago the China.
But I got to tell you, they still stick the opening ceremonies.
You remember how amazing?
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you rehearse at gunpoint.
Am I right?
The Beijing Olympics is where I learned that it turns out that China's national anthem is not den-in-n-nun nun nun.
He can make that joke.
He's Asian.
You're Asian.
I'm also very racist.
Yes.
You think my dad was angry?
His dad was interned.
Okay.
It's true.
True story.
And that makes it funnier.
He doesn't think so, but I do.
But Robert, your dad got over that, right?
He was happy-go-lucky the rest of his life.
He didn't talk for about four years, but it was funny.
He walked it off, right?
I'm not going to lie.
My childhood was a little tense, but no kidding.
Yeah, there was some barbed wire around the house.
Yeah, well, I was free in Brooklyn.
Try that.
That's its own internment.
I've been watching the beach volleyball on the Olympics, and for obvious reasons.
But I tell you what, though.
I was really pulling for the Americans for about two minutes.
And then...
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER And I was, you know, I caught myself rooting for Michael Phelps, huh?
That guy, hey, finally made something of himself.
I was rooting for a guy.
He's got 20,000 medals.
I'm like, come on, one more.
I'm like, what is wrong with me?
Why am I rooting?
And he's got such a great story, too, that he gets high all the time and orders million pizzas.
What a great human interest story.
I mean, who does that in this country?
Right.
He's got so much going on besides swimming.
He's got those acupuncture spots all over him, right?
Yeah, those are cupping.
Yeah.
Cupping?
Cupping.
That's what Bill O'Reilly does with the interns.
He makes them cup his balls.
Why?
You got a groaner crowd here.
I know.
What the hell's going on?
It's not a crowd.
It's that it's five o'clock in the afternoon.
That's true.
It's five o'clock in the morning.
And if it was 8 p.m., they'd have a couple of cocktails in.
They'd be like, fucking cup his balls.
Yeah.
You people.
You people should be in Ikea.
By the way, Michael Phelps, he really is kind of making a little bit of a comeback because his personal life did get messed up.
He got caught drunk driving.
He was due.
He got pulled over.
This is true, Eddie.
He got clocked at doing 84 miles per hour in a 45, which shattered the previous record of 79.
Hey, breaking news, Brad Williams is going to be...
I just found out about this today.
Brian Williams getting his own show on MSNBC.
Isn't that great, huh?
He did his penance.
He had to giggle with Rachel Maddow for eight months over fucking nothing.
Hi.
Hi, Brian.
Hi, Rachel.
Hi!
Get over it.
So it's great.
Now he'll have his own show.
He can interview newsmakers again.
I can't wait for him to interview Hillary and they can compare notes about dodging sniper fire together.
Did she lie about that shit?
Yes.
Yeah, Buzzman.
Keep up.
So, you know, the problem with Brian Williams wasn't that he puffed up his resume over the war, right?
Because he said he took, there was rocket fire on his chopper, and then it turned out he did it.
And then NBC threw him under the bus.
And then he said that bus took rocket fire.
The point is.
The problem is that, you know, he's not really a journalist, right?
Because all through the Iraq war, he worked for General Electric, that owned NBC, which is a defense contractor.
And my question to Brian Williams is: how many checks do you take from a defense contractor in the middle of an illegal war before you stop calling yourself a journalist?
The answer is endless.
Yes.
But he was very, he's very likable.
He's very likable.
He's very likable, and he's just got a charm.
And he used to appear with David Letterman at night.
So who needs him to be a charmist?
Right.
But that's the guy you want lighting your cigarette.
That's not the guy you want giving you information.
Yes, I said it sarcastically.
Big taking sarcasm lessons from Trump.
Attention.
This is the table.
On election day, hey, did you hear Trump wants his supporters to monitor polling places to make sure there are no irregularities, like, you know, black people voting?
And today, you've got so much news happening today.
What happened?
Trump is shaking up his staff with a fresh infusion of new racists.
He got Roger Ailes.
What a great addition.
Roger Ailes.
Teddy Bay.
Hey, Roger, are you in prison?
No, come on, work for me.
It's unbelievable.
By the way, okay.
I'm going to skip that joke.
Hey, did you hear?
And Trump gave a speech the other day in front of all these religious people.
And I say, thank God he didn't say anything offensive when he spoke before a conference of evangelical hate groups.
I don't think we have too many evangelicals here today.
How many evangelicals do we have?
Nope.
None.
Okay, there we go.
All right, those jokes should do well.
Hey, you know, as a part of their continuing unfair treatment of Trump, all three cable news networks aired his law and order speech in its entirety.
Yeah, yeah.
It was incredible, too.
It was a speech.
I was on law in order for a few episodes.
Remember, he was on law in order.
I still get residuals.
I got a residual yesterday.
I don't know what it's from.
You ever get that?
Yeah.
What's RLJ?
Do you know what that is?
Oh, shit.
I'll tell you after the show.
Oh, okay.
I still get residuals from Pootie Tang.
That Louis C.K. movie?
Yeah, I was in Pootie Tang.
Were you?
Yes.
That's right.
All right.
All right.
That title still is offensive to most Americans.
My parents wouldn't let me see it if I was a kid.
I know that.
You still can't see it.
So, yeah, so Donald Trump was great.
He did an outreach speech to the black community.
What made it great was it is in front of an all-white audience, which is.
Yeah, absolutely.
In that speech, Trump displayed the same passion for law and order that he had when he helped bring the Central Park V to justice.
Yeah, that's a sad joke, but I've never heard that in a punchline before.
Trump's outreach strategy, if he can rally all the black people he discriminated against in his buildings, that alone is a huge voting block.
Okay, those are the jokes.
What's coming up on today's show?
I love those jokes.
Let's hear it for Jim.
Oh, all right.
Let's hear it for Jim.
Oh, all right.
Let's hear it for Jim.
What's coming up on today's show?
Who's oh, we got, we're going to talk about.
I don't even know what the.
This is where I started.
I swear.
I want to swear.
All right.
Don't let them see the real side of you.
We're going to talk.
I don't mind swearing if it's funny, but I don't mind swearing if it's just a release.
I don't want to swear.
Funny swearing is fun, but the ones that reveal my childhood.
Wouldn't it be funny if your father only swears when it was funny?
If he was just like, I'm not going to swear tonight, family, because it's not funny.
*laughter*
No more swearing if it's not funny.
All right.
So we're going to talk about CNN continues to call liars liars on their show.
We've got a new one that's coming up.
Jake Tapper does it.
Plus, what's this?
Oh, Hillary Clinton named her new head of her transition team.
Huh?
Who is it?
The answer just may surprise you.
Or will it?
It's a fracking good pick.
Also, also, Mike Pence gets asked to defend Donald Trump, and the governor of New Hampshire is asked to defend Hillary Clinton.
We're going to take a look at how hard it is for politicians to defend both of the nominees this year.
Also, the nuclear football, who should have it?
Who shouldn't?
Should we even have one?
Plus, plus.
Oh, plus, I don't know if we're going to get, we're not going to get to this.
But Fox News is angry at poor people again.
And this is true.
Oh, the fat cat's at the bottom.
We got phone calls today.
We got a phone call.
Gary Johnson, the Libertarian candidate.
Wow.
He's never called in.
First call for him today.
John Boehner is going to call in today.
Great.
Liam Neeson calls in today.
Liam Neeson.
He's been taken movies.
They're so unpredictable.
So unpredictable.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Door show.
Yeah.
That took 20 minutes.
Alright.
So we know when things are bad when Trump's biggest surrogates are turning on him, like CNN.
So remember the host of reliable sources went after Trump spokesperson Jeffrey Lord, and he said this to them because he was saying that election is rigged because the host of reliable sources, Brian, what's his name?
Setzer Stetzer?
Anyway, the guy from the Stray Cat says.
The guy from the Stray Cat.
That's what we're getting down to with journalism.
Hey, the guy from the Stray Cat has got some really important stuff to say.
So here's what he said to Jeffrey Lord about trying to undermine this election.
Potential.
Why is there not a problem?
Abnormalities in the election system is not big.
No system is perfect.
It does not mean that the election is not.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Just because you don't like the outcome.
So he's saying it's rigged, and now here comes the CNN guy.
Conspiratorial.
Are you not a little bit scared, Jeffrey?
Are you not a little bit nervous about the day after the election?
Whether Trump or Clinton wins?
Are you worried that Trump is going to try to delegitimize the results?
Look, I am worried that an election could be stolen.
And with all these questions, who's going to steal the election?
So that's Brian Stetzer-Seltzer saying that there's a guy who's paid by CNN to come on CNN, and he says, please don't do this to our audience.
I don't know the stat.
So then we already talked about this on the show.
And then, right on the heels of that, Don Lemon, who I say is a cross between Jack Lemon and Don Knotts.
I find him to be elegant, but go ahead.
He aspires to someday reach David Gregory levels of interviewing.
So he was on with Trump's spokesman after he said the Second Amendment thing, and he called him right out on it about trying to say Trump didn't mean that.
And here's the list of Don Lemon.
I'm supporting a bigger.
What you're saying right now makes no sense.
I'm sitting at home.
I'm watching Donald Trump.
I have two ears and I have two eyes and I can see the reactions of the people behind me.
And we're not stupid.
Every single person you have on this panel.
We were very smart people.
David Gergen, I was respected.
Hang on, can you let me finish?
David Gergen was respected by people on both sides by Republicans and by work for Republicans and Democrats, who has worked for a president who's had an assassination attempt, who's lived through presidents who've been assassinated, knew exactly what Donald Trump is saying.
And we're supposed to be stupid enough not to understand that and should believe the spin coming from the surrogates and for people like you, you should be ashamed of yourself.
So there's Don Lemon, right?
Wow.
Don Lemon has awakened from the nightmare of racism and bigotry he's given airtime to for over a fucking year.
When life gives you a lemon, it gives you really shitty journalists.
Okay.
But Don Lemon stood up.
So I was one of, I'm like, that's crazy.
First, it was the Stray Cats guy.
Then Don Lemon is standing up to Trump surrogates.
Now here's Jake Tapper, by the way.
That's not his porn name.
It's weird.
His porn name is Sheldon.
So here he is on with Paul Manafort, who used to be the chairman of the Trump campaign.
And here at Manafort was telling Jake Tapper, you're only covering Donald Trump's gas.
Why don't you cover other stuff that's in the news?
And Jake Tapper says we are.
Here's what he says.
Just as a factual matter.
On Monday, my show covered Mr. Trump's speech.
Okay?
We did.
We covered Mr. Trump's speech.
We covered in air.
And we did cover those Hillary Clinton emails.
So these things, just because you say them, they're not true.
There's Jake Tapper telling a Trump surrogate.
What you're saying is the truth.
This never happens on TV, right?
You all know this.
We've talked about it a million times.
The most Tom Brokall will say when someone's lying is he overreached.
He'll go, well, what's the other opinion?
Like, what's the other?
How do we balance this lie with somebody else's opinion instead of going, that's just not a fucking fact, you fucking asshole.
Well, that's the whole thing of what we've talked about before.
What's wrong with people like Brian Williams is they act, they're not objective anymore.
They're neutral.
So now everybody's opinion is equal and no one's full of shit.
Except now they're starting to call people full of shit.
I don't know why it's only with Trump surrogates, though.
They still won't do it with other people.
I think that CNN, I think Trump's check must have bounced or something.
It's weird to me to see CNN act so sanctimonious about the presidential candidate that they helped create.
That's really what has happened.
That's how bad journalism are.
Now they're trying to scramble, hey, we better try to take this guy down, the guy that we've spent a freaking year building up because it might ruin our country.
I don't know.
You've heard Les Moonvez on the show giggling, giggling about how much money they're making as the country burns.
It's bad for the country.
Because they don't give a shit.
They don't ride the subway or take the bus, right?
They don't sit in the bleachers, right?
These are those people.
They all have air conditioning.
I think they're shorting Trump stock.
Shorting.
Shorting.
He's got his cut.
He's got his tiny hands.
Shorting.
Anyway, I just thought that was, again, another example.
It happened again.
So does anyone have a theory about why CNN all of a sudden is allowing its journalists to go to tell the truth and call liars liars when it comes to the Trump campaign?
I was just thinking that maybe they decided that CNN stands for news.
Maybe.
Maybe they decided that.
Well, I think that Trump, he's been so outrageous that You know, what now the consensus is that this is a dangerous guy.
And we're going to, as like, like what they're doing is giving themselves credibility now.
Like, look at us.
We are standing up to this danger that is facing our country.
Did you see that Dan Rather even came out of the cobwebs?
Yeah.
And was like, he came out of his coffin and he wrote something.
And I think that the New York Times.
Well, didn't he just say recently that he thought that maybe Trump would look into his heart.
Look into his heart.
He said Trump would do that.
I think it's just a fluke.
That this is happening on CNN, you mean?
Yeah, I think it's just a fluke.
I think it'll all pass over real soon.
I think it's just that it's good television.
I think that's all it comes down to.
Would it be good television if they did it to anybody?
So why are they?
I don't care.
I can't even follow the fucking thread of what just happened.
Like they can't follow the drama.
This is like, there's so clearly like bad guy, good guy.
Like it's good wrestling kind of shit.
So here's, but they still do the thing when someone comes on.
First of all, half the people, political people in this country, don't accept climate change, right?
So when his climate denier comes on their show, they're not going to go, you're lying.
That's just not factually true.
They won't say that.
What Brian Williams will do is turn to the science denier and say, okay, well, I appreciate you coming on and turn to the scientists, say thanks for the debate.
And that's all.
It's over.
I hope you come back on.
Like I said, you couldn't report the sports that way.
You couldn't say, hey, the Cubs played the Dodgers yesterday.
Dodgers said they won 4-3.
Cubs said they won 4-3.
Who really won?
I guess we'll never know, but we had the debate.
Right.
Well, the powers that be, the powers that be.
Yeah, I didn't want to say anything.
Jesus, anyway.
I thought I gave a laugh a green.
You need to let it breathe.
I think we're at a comedy festival, for God's sake.
Is this a comedy festival?
People are here learning.
Step on your pickle joke.
The fucking pickle joke that lay there like a morning turd.
Man, does anybody remember that?
The pickle joke?
The Gergen pickle joke thing?
This guy.
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck was that?
you you you Hey, hope you're enjoying the live show from the Burbank Comedy Festival.
It's great to do that live show.
We're going to do more of them.
So I can't wait to do more of them.
Hope you can make it out.
Right now, I'm going to say big thanks to everybody who helped support the Jimmy Door show by using our Amazon link when they buy something from Amazon.com.
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It doesn't cost you anything and it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon.
How does it work?
The next time you want to buy something from Amazon, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
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Now, if you don't want to go to our page every time you buy something from Amazon, here's what you do.
Go to our page once.
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I wouldn't tell you about it if it wasn't a big deal to help support the show.
It is.
So thanks to everybody who does that.
And now let's get to the second half of this week's show.
Tough to...
I'm not going to help.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Yes, Jimmy.
It's me, Lee Neeson.
Listen very closely.
Initiate Operation Chromite.
What?
Initiate what?
Initiate Operation Chromite.
I don't know.
I want you to know that I forcefully removed my sunglasses after saying the word chromite.
Okay.
Oh, I get it.
That's a line from your new movie about the Korean War.
Yes.
Yeah, okay.
And this one has an even higher body count than all of the taken movies put together.
Probably because it's about war.
I really haven't done that much research on it.
Here's another line.
The odds were 5,000 to 1, and one was all they needed.
Wow.
Sounds impressive, Liam.
Liam, who plays General MacArthur?
Bruce Valance.
Whoever you think, me, of course.
Oh, okay.
You're going to play.
Okay.
But was it Douglas MacArthur a nut who wanted to start a nuclear war with China?
Well, sir, he had his negatives.
But I'm particularly suited to playing this role.
Death has taught me a lot, Jimmy.
Really?
Can you tell, can you tell us what death has taught you?
Well, for starters, don't die.
Don't die.
That's what it's taught you.
Don't die?
Yes, that's a real important one, the don't die thing.
Death taught me that.
Once you learn that, everything else pretty much falls into place.
Okay.
Okay, Liam.
But how can you not die?
I mean, you know, it's part of life.
We're all going to die one day, aren't we?
Right?
Not if you're on a steady diet of Belgian endives and coconut powder.
Have you ever heard of anyone dying while on a diet of nothing but Belgian endives and coconut powder?
Let me answer that for you.
Shut up.
And we live forever as long as there's Belgian end dives and coconuts.
Okay.
Listen.
You know, Jimmy.
What?
This film marks the second time I've taken a role, preceded by Sir Levin Solivier.
You know what that means, don't you?
Does it mean you're going to win an Oscar?
Close.
I'm going to fuck Danny Kaye.
People get those two things confused a lot.
I understand that.
Okay.
But Liam, how could you possibly do that to Danny Kay?
Danny Kay passed away years and years ago.
Don't break the fourth wall, Jimmy.
How is that breaking the fourth wall?
Liam, I'm just asking you a question about You have a lot to learn about the craft of comedic acting.
And if you're interested, I'll be teaching a few workshops this week at Flappers Comedy Club.
Oh.
Why is it called Flappers?
I have no goddamn idea.
And it fills me with uncontrollable rage.
The name of the club fills you with uncontrollable rage?
Does it ever?
Now listen very closely.
I will find out who named it Flappers.
And when I do find out who named Flappers Flappers, I will come for them.
And I will find them.
And I will no doubt avail myself to some of the delicious beverages and find food items listed on the menu.
Are you doing any other workshops we should know about?
Just a couple.
Oh, really?
I'll be in shenanigans Tuesday.
G. William's on Wednesday.
Holy cows on Thursday.
Points on Friday.
Jeepers on Saturday.
Jump at Jeheshaphats on Sunday.
And back at Crampin' Up Your Asses on Monday.
What about next?
All week I'll be at Farter's Laugh Oven in Stockton, except for Thursday when I'll be at the Laugh Ginch with the Friday One Night Earth Gapers, Ass Bloom, and Lodi.
There will be a raffle afterwards.
Oh, there will be a raffle afterwards.
Wow, that's nice.
I know there'll be a raffle.
Then I'm at Hitler's Laugh Oven in Pittburg.
And Uncle Tom's Laugh-In in Brentwood.
Then I'm at Skinny Cole and Hunt in Crabhaven, followed by Fatty Stunt Factory in Fairfax, Buster's Bust Your Gut, Buttbong, and Tattoo Shop in Baldwinsville, and Flipper's Jerkstalk Emporium in Snatch Bend, Illinois.
To Drink Minimum.
Oh, two Drink Minimum.
Is there anything else?
Very much.
Is there anything else?
Except for Larry's Laugh Laundromat and Squid Hatchery in Salinas.
Oh.
Laugh Out Lounge.
Laughing my ass offs.
Emoticon's smiley face in Boner Hut.
Laughter Circus in Pupper Hut.
Barney's Burtford Barn.
Floater and Sinker's Blush, Fontorium, and Fontana.
Put your hands together.
Gary's Kafal Garage.
What's that running down your legs?
Dr. Mengele's comedy clinic.
Flipper's Fontopian Thalidomide Dispensary.
Banana's Boner Basement in Bakersfield.
Okay, thank you, Liam.
I appreciate it.
I'm at it.
Yeah.
Okay, that was Liam Neeson, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
No.
you The powers that be have decided that Trump is a danger.
Like, I mean, the Republic, even the shitty Republicans are backing Clinton.
Even Kissinger.
I mean, Clinton, in other words, Kissinger?
Yeah.
Case closed.
You know, you see, Hillary, she won't deny climate change.
She'll just have policies that exactly.
Yeah.
But she'll say the right thing.
That's the difference between the two of these people, right?
Is that Hillary says all the right things without meaning fucking any of them?
And everybody gets fooled.
Most people get fooled.
Eddie, you sound very sexist.
Why are you angry at women?
What's your problem?
My mother never loved me.
And I think it's coming out.
Oh, I'm angry at it.
You're such a broke.
You know, if you don't vote for Hillary, you're voting for Trump.
I mean, that's...
I'm voting for Jill Stein, who's a chick.
She's abroad.
Yeah, but what do you think of her vax views?
That turns out that's false, isn't that?
That's all bullshit.
Oh, is she anti-vaccinated?
No, that's a sphere that they're using against her, which gets repeated by actual journalists.
And it's not true.
She's not against.
She has said that it should be studied, just like all the other candidates said.
Hillary Clinton said the same goddamn, of course it should be studied.
That's what she said.
They're doing the same thing to her that they did to Bernie Sanders.
Same goddamn thing.
They're worried.
That's right.
That's right.
But Bernie Sanders is an old kook.
Right.
So, in fact, in fact, I'll tell you this, right?
So, you know, me and you, Eddie, all of us up here, we thought Bernie Sanders was a better candidate because he had pie-in-the-sky ideas like, you know, universal health care.
And, you know, how are we going to afford cheaper drugs?
I mean, you can't find it.
How are we going to afford a more efficient healthcare system?
You can't be like, come on, Hillary.
He's a basic FDR Democrat.
That's what he is.
Yes.
We've been waiting for another FDI.
But let me tell you, and Bernie Sanders is leading a progressive takeover, right?
So with Hillary Clinton as the nominee, Bernie's and Bernie endorsed her.
The establishment corporatists and neocon Warhawks are getting behind the Democrats.
That's right.
But the problem from them is that the revolution has not gone away.
The pie-in-the-sky people who backed Bernie are still here, and now they're taking back their government through elections.
There were a lot of victories last week.
All the candidates that were endorsed by Bernie Sanders won their primaries.
That's a big deal for our country.
Keith Ellison in Minnesota won.
Russ Feingold in Wisconsin won.
Chris Pearson and David Zuckerman in Vermont.
The week before that, Pamila Jayapal in Washington.
And before that, Zephyr Teachout in New York won.
And all of these candidates don't take super PAC money.
They espouse progressive values and they are winning.
So when you're taking money fighting for the 1%, you have to buy lots of ads showing you smiling and kissing babies, right?
But when you fight for the people, the people will fight for you.
It doesn't matter if Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump is in the White House.
We need an army of progressives in Congress.
Our country needs a battalion of Bernie Sanders to prevent the next Iraq and the next EPP.
We need to make sure we're supporting our local progressives in all public offices.
And I saved the establishment.
If you can't join them, fucking beat them.
Thank you.
That's what I say about Bernie Sanders.
Jamie, the recorder was off during that whole thing.
Can you do that over?
Gherkin, was it on for Gherkin?
Gherkin.
Gherkin.
Pickle.
Inventor the pickle.
I was sitting on that for a while.
And now another reading from the book Morning Remembrance: Fake obituaries of real people read by Jim Earl.
Thank you very much.
I wrote this on muscle relaxants and painkillers.
Margaret Helt, inventor of the beehive hairdo.
Margaret Helt, inventor of the beehive hairdo, just had her worst hair day ever this week when she dropped dead at the age of 98.
Sources close to the family say cause of death was coronary collapse disorder after a child poked her beehive with a stick.
Spokesperson said it may take a while to settle her estate.
You see, due to her advanced age, her hairs were thinning.
Her hairs or hairs?
How many muscle accents?
I don't know.
You know, Helt was already a well-known beautician in 1960 when the modern salon magazine first approached her with the immortal words, How can you help us sell more hairspray, blow a hole in the ozone, and create another body part men aren't allowed to touch?
Well, the answer, of course, was the beehive, a style designed to give women height and suggest elegance.
But more often than not, it just suggested Julius Caesar's mother.
You have to be an art history graduate.
I don't get that at all.
I don't like you making me feel stupid.
The beehive became wildly popular, Eddie, and has been adopted by many pop stars throughout the past five decades, including Ronnie Specter.
And after her career nosedive, she ended up living in one.
Barbara Streisand was said to be so enamored with her beehive that she once let it see her right profile.
Streisand fan over here.
And Amy Winehouse refused to even leave her apartment without her beehive because that's where she kept all her brandy.
Amy Winehouse.
Amy Winehouse.
Yeah, she was a big drinker.
Yeah, she's dead now.
I thought she was a heroin addict.
She was a drinker as well.
And cool.
She did it all.
She partied, man.
She died of alcohol withdrawal.
Is that true?
Jim's in the middle of doing something.
Okay.
The deceased requested her ashes be sprayed with shellac, molded, molded into a big hollow tube and used to store those plastic forks you get from Chinese restaurants.
Yay!
Thank you.
you All right, next, next up, we're going to do the miserable liberal has a rant.
Hi, I'm a teacher.
Yay.
I am a high school English teacher.
And it sounded like a good idea at the time.
Hey, everybody.
It's back to school.
It's August.
What the fuck?
Why are they making you go back?
Exactly.
Hopefully, Pickles, I'll answer your question.
August is so hot, it makes me want to punch my grandmother in the nose.
That's pretty hot.
It's pretty hot.
It's August, and humans are not supposed to be in a stuffy classroom.
We're supposed to be at the beach wearing sunblock, large floppy hats, and sipping margaritas and getting drunk.
August is when it's too hot to think.
I should be on a miserable vacation right about now with no air conditioning in Europe and being served little pieces of ice cubes and water.
Not hunched over the copier machine sipping coffee at 6 a.m.
I'm in hell.
You people, you people, excuse me, young people, glasses.
Young people shouldn't be learning the social relevance of Shakespeare's Macbeth.
They should be in the streets rioting.
I'm already taught a week and a half of high school.
That's fucked up.
That's what I was going to say next.
It is fucked up, pickles.
I have 180 students.
I'm exhausted.
I need drugs.
Stat.
The kids, on the other hand, are pretty sedate.
I think it's because they're still comatose, overwhelmed that they have to sit in rows listening and reading.
It's fucking August.
And you know what?
There are at least two kids in each of my classes that already hate me, so I'm doing a good job.
Do you want to know why school begins in August?
Let's go ahead and take a multiple choice test, shall we?
Please select the best answer.
A, students want to start school early and get rid of summer altogether.
B, teachers want to start school early and have over 148 students in each class period.
Or C, school administrators begin school in August because of standardized testing and they're assholes.
C, is it C?
Jimmy, if you selected C as your answer, you are correct.
Because we all know how important tests are in life, right?
I bet there's evidence to prove that screwing up a kid's summer makes them happier in school.
Who needs air conditioning when you've got a book?
I know I always learn better when I'm sweating and my thighs are sticking to the chair.
Only 175 school days to go.
I need a shot of tequila.
But remember, just say no to drugs, kids, because your teacher needs them more.
Yay!
Wow, that was a bit fucked up.
I mean, I can't put it any more succinctly than that.
I went to a special high school.
I was driving by a high school, which is the closest I will get to them.
For reasons.
And I noticed that they were going back to school.
And I was like, we didn't go back to school till after Labor did.
That's the way it should be.
That's what God wants us to do.
So they have taken, they're starting, is it two or three weeks earlier?
It's a month.
I mean, I went back to work August 4th.
It's a month, right?
I shouldn't be there.
And really, I've checked out emotionally.
So it's been tough for Mike Pence.
By the way, Mike Pence is so white, he's almost translucent.
Yeah.
He's very white.
He's got white hair, too, right?
Yeah, he's white all the way.
He's white all over.
He's white on the inside.
A lot of people don't know this at night.
He transforms into his natural state, which is a bowl of mayonnaise.
I did know that.
That's how he rests.
So Mike Pence, so you know, Donald Trump said this, right?
He said this.
Dishonoring President Obama.
He is the founder of ISIS.
He's the founder of ISIS.
He's the founder.
First of all, I love that he did, because it's like, you know, he just said it for the first time.
And then he like, yeah, he's the founder of a, oh, he's the founder of a.
He's the fucking founder of ISIS.
He likes speaking.
Why did I wait so long to think of this one?
It's like Danny DeVito and Tin Men.
You ever see this?
This job is free.
I'm a genius.
It's a really obscure movie.
Anyway, what did you want to say, Eddie?
Nothing.
I'm sorry.
So they bring Don't sulk pickles.
So then Donald And then they asked Mike Pence to Mike Pence was out defending it, right?
And then Donald Trump said I was being sarcastic.
After Pence.
He's kidding, you idiots.
It's like they don't have a conversation.
Like, Pence is going, Trump, can you tell me if you're going to say it was sarcastic?
No, he just lets him look like an idiot.
So then he goes on with Chris Wallace, the bad Wallace.
Who's the good Wallace?
Mike Wallace.
He's the good one?
Yeah, he used to work for 60 minutes, remember?
He was the depressed fellow.
Yeah, he was very depressed.
Yeah, I remember him.
Remember that Phil Donovan?
You remember that one?
Anyway.
Remember Dick Cabot.
They used to just sit around like moaning at each other.
Was Cabot depressed too?
Oh, Cabot's death.
Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.
Remember Wallace and Grommet?
So here's what Mike Pence said to Chris Wallace.
A day defending his remarks, saying that they were serious.
Now Trump says that he was being sarcastic.
First of all, I love that Trump calls himself a truth teller unless he gets called out and he's just joking.
Okay, here comes Mike Pence.
So Governor, which was it?
Well, I think he's being very serious.
And he was making a point that needs to be made.
That there is no question that the failed policies of President Barack Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in the wider Middle East created a vacuum within Iraq in which ISIS was able to arise.
There's simply no question.
Then why is he saying he was sarcastic?
Well, he was making a very serious point.
And look, it's important.
Why did he say he was being sarcastic?
Well, he was making a very serious point.
Donald Trump has a way of talking that gets people's attention.
He's drawing attention to a very important issue.
There was a time when the Democrat president knew where the buck stopped in the White House.
And the responsibility for the failed policies in the Middle East that created the environment where ISIS developed belongs to President Barack Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
And the American people know that.
Governor, those are all perfectly legitimate points to make, but that isn't what Trump said.
He said that Obama and Clinton were the most valuable players of ISIS, that they were the co-founders of ISIS.
Then he said, well, I was just being sarcastic about that, just as he said he was just being sarcastic about inviting Russia to come in and release emails of Hillary Clinton's.
Isn't the sarcastic excuse getting a bit old?
Well, no, I don't think it's getting old at all.
Oh, my God.
That's a grown-up talking.
I thought it was, at first, I thought it was a scene from Chinatown.
He was serious.
He's sarcastic.
He was serious.
It's my sister.
It's my daughter.
They are going to find Mike Pence dead in his tub one day because his note is just going to say, I don't know what is anymore.
Well, you know, the thing about Pence is he says Trump speaks like everyday Americans, which he does, ignorant, arrogant, and oblivious.
And loud.
The question remains, were the people who voted for Trump during the primaries being sarcastic?
I think Donald Trump should look up the definition of sarcasm because obviously he hasn't.
So, but it gets tough for everybody.
So here's Kelly Ayat.
Now, she's running.
She's trying to have it both ways.
You're saying you support Donald Trump, but you do not endorse him.
I've actually said that I'm going to be voting for him, but I do have significant disagreements with him, which I've been very clear on.
So I won't be endorsing him.
So that's my position.
What's the distinction between endorsing and voting?
There's actually a big distinction because Endorsing means that it will hurt my poll numbers.
Voting for him won't.
So that's the big difference.
I'm making a moral stand and following my poll numbers.
That's funny.
But she's running against the governor, the former governor of New Hampshire, which I can't think of her name right now.
So I'm going to Google it.
They ask her about Hillary Clinton whether she was honest.
And here, here we go.
Three times they ask.
Yet, 64% of voters in a recent CNN ORC poll believe Clinton is not honest or trustworthy and asked three times.
Hassan would not give her opinion.
Do you think that she's honest and trustworthy?
I support Hillary Clinton for the presidency because her experience and her record demonstrate that she's qualified to hold the job.
You think she's honest?
She has a critical, critical plan, among others, for making college more affordable.
But do you think that she's trustworthy?
I think that she has demonstrated a commitment to something beyond herself, bigger than herself.
After this interview, Hassan's campaign clarifying that she does believe Clinton is honest.
Ha!
So it's not just so this is what we're left with.
Two of the most hated people in the country is going to lead us for four years.
And this is what we're left with.
People can't even answer straight questions.
People, it's, but that's why I'm voting for Jill Stein.
How about you, Eddie?
Voting for Jill Stein.
Here's my idea, Eddie.
Yeah, you're not in a swing state.
That's just easy.
That's an easy vote.
Yeah, I would still vote.
I'd still vote.
I would still vote for Jill.
It's not, believe me, Hillary Clinton.
Well, here's what she already did.
She's, there's another thing I want to do, but I say you do it.
Okay, so here's the thing.
So Hillary Clinton, I'm going to pee while you're ahead segment.
Really?
Really now?
Look at me.
Look at me.
How much liquid do you think I can hold?
Okay.
So just days, Eddie, just days after 15 progressive groups published an open letter calling on Hillary Clinton to appoint personnel that would prove her commitment to issues such as ending income inequality and stopping the TPP, she did this.
Let's get to campaign 2016.
Today, Democrat Hillary Clinton has tapped former Colorado Senator Ken Salazar to lead her transition team.
Salazar was the Secretary of the Interior in President Obama's cabinet.
He has also served as Colorado's Attorney General, in addition to our Senator, Republican Donald Trump.
So there's a couple of things that newscasters left out about Ken Salazar.
Like, for instance, he has previously pushed for projects such as fracking, the Trans-Pacific Partnership, and the Keystone XL pipeline.
Ken Salazar famously said there's not a single case where hydraulic fracking has created an environment problem for anyone.
What a prick.
He also said the TPP is a strong trade deal that will level the playing field for workers to help middle-class families get ahead.
And it's also the greenest trade deal ever.
That's what Ken Salazar said.
And he was just appointed ahead of the transition team by Hillary Clinton.
I say the only thing of interest about Ken Zala-Salazar is his conflicts of interest.
How can Bernie back this candidate?
He's not really.
He is.
Why are people saying he's not?
See, here he did at the Democratic National Convention.
It's like, it's like, it's like, you know, you need to do that.
So, no, but he got to get, but he got to get the progressive view out at the Democratic Convention.
And he said shit in that speech that was not approved.
For instance, when he said we have to make sure they don't push TPP through the lame duck Congress, that was got approved for him to say.
And he said it, right?
So now it's out there.
And so what Ralph Nader said about that, about Bernie Sanders, is what he's doing is putting all these platform positions and all these strategies out there.
So when Hillary betrays them, which he will, he can then use that against her to make our coalition bigger.
And he ain't going away, and we're not going away.
So that's a point.
But here's the thing.
Ironically, Eddie, just a year ago, Hillary Clinton penned an op-ed for the Huffington Post decrying the cyclical nature of Capitol Hill institutions that enable lawmakers and lobbyists to jump in and out of the private and public sectors.
Increasingly, Americans' trust in government is eroding.
And a big reason for that is the so-called revolving door between government and the private sector.
Hillary Clinton wrote, Unlike Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton believes in science.
Then why does she still support fucking fracking?
Yeah.
That's right.
When Ken Salazar says there's not a single case where hydraulic fracking has created a problem, tell that to the women of northeastern Pennsylvania whose babies are being born small for their gestational age with congenital heart defects.
Tell that to them.
Hey, yeah.
Anyway.
The science is in, but the political establishment is definitely out.
Go ahead.
What do you think about Ken Salazar being appointed?
That is, again, it's like they give her the Jim Earl laugh that.
That's what it feels like.
Every time I get a punch in the stomach, every time Hillary does something.
Every time she appoints somebody, Kent Tim Kaine, are you shitting me?
This is fucking unbelievable what's happening, right?
And people are still wagging their fingers telling, and comedians, comedians are telling Eddie.
Let me ask you something.
Can you imagine George Carlin wagging his finger at you telling you got to vote for Hillary Clinton?
No, fucking you do that as a comedian.
You got to turn in your fucking comedy card.
I agree.
Turn in your comedy card.
Because you're a fucking establishment.
You're quote.
Your status quo, and that's the opposite of comedy.
I get a little worked up.
And people say to me, they go, Jimmy, you get a little worked up about this stuff.
And I say, I try to say my anger for important things, like sporting events and Hollywood award shows.
I don't have a comedy card.
No kidding.
Suck it, Jim Earl.
Got ya!
Wow!
Here we go.
Yes.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimbo, it's Boehner.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Speaker, how you doing?
I got a new thing I'm doing, and I want to tell all of your hippie copyist listeners about it.
Okay?
What is it?
Boehner Brand Scotch.
What?
Boehner Scotch.
A smooth blend of Highland whiskeys that will make you feel like you are your own Speaker of the House.
Drinking quietly by yourself in a darkened room.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER Music.
you Hey, you and I both know there's a lot more to that John Boehner phone call.
And how do you hear it?
You get the premium content.
Yeah, it's a great way to help support the show.
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You get to hear that phone call plus what's on my mind for an Hour and a half or so every week.
And it's a great way.
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You go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
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You get access to all of it.
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Okay, thanks to everybody who does that, by the way.
It's a great way to help support the show.
By the way, it's only $5 a month.
Literally, it's like the price of a cup of coffee.
I've spent more than five bucks on coffees at Starbucks, depending on the coffee you get.
Anyway, so that's all right.
So, there you go.
So, thanks everybody who does that.
And thanks to everybody who made it out to the show, who came out to that show.
That was what a fun time that was.
We're definitely going to be doing more of those.
We got to get back out.
I love seeing the people.
I love doing the show in front of a crowd.
So, we're going to do more of those.
All right.
That's it for this week, huh?
That's it for this week.
This show was written by Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Mark Van Landuitt, Jim Earle, Robert Yasamura, and Steph Zamarano.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
All right, that's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dore saying you be the best you can be.
I'll keep being me.
Freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not.
Do not freak out.
I'm not.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
Do not, do not, do not, do not, do not, do not.
I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not freak out.
I'm not, do not.
I'm not, I'm not, not freak out.
I'm not kidding.
Don't double the fuck up, don't double the fuck up the fucking don't freak out.
Do not freak, do not freak out.
Don't freak out!
Don't break out!
Don't freak out!
I'm not getting.
Don't, don't, don't, don't breathe Don't, don't, don't breathe Don't breathe Don't freak out!
Do not freak out!
Do not freak out!
I'm not kidding!
Not freak out.
You are now, now, rockin'with that, that, that, that, that, that I can't.
Don't freak out!
Don't double-check the donut!
Don't freak out!
Do not freak out!
Don't freak out!
Don't freak out!
Do not freak out!
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