Jimmy Dore Show - 20160716_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_7-15-16

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July 16, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show

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20160716_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_7-15-16

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	This week's show is brought to us by Casper Mattresses.
	Go to casper.com slash Jimmy and use the promo code Jimmy for $50 off your first mattress purchase.
	Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
	The Jimmy Dore Show!
	Hello, this is Jimmy Dore.
	Um, yes, hello, this is Hillary supporter.
	Hey, Hillary supporter, how are you?
	Well, good and bad, I suppose.
	Um, my light sensitivity issues and agoraphobia have been particularly troublesome lately.
	So I've had to use favor to obtain most of my groceries and academic journals.
	However, the good thing is, is it's summer, so it's warmer than I care to experience anyway.
	And people are jogging and exercising outside.
	So by staying in, I don't need to be engaged by that inappropriate behavior.
	Inappropriate behavior?
	Public exercising?
	Yes, absolutely.
	It's shamefully selfish.
	How?
	Exercising is nothing but ableism to the nth degree.
	It's degrading and sickening, this showboating of what your body can do.
	Even just going on a brisk walk around the block is a cruel and flawless...
	Even just going on a brisk walk around the block is a cruel and thoughtless way to demonstrate to the disabled or even people who simply identify as sedentary that they are less than.
	It's incredibly othering.
	And on top of that, it plays directly into this absurd aeronormative narrative that our society is obsessed with that says that people who exercise, who have a robust cardiovascular system, are somehow healthier, quote unquote, than other people.
	I rarely ambulate and am very thin, but have an incredibly high body fat percentage and almost no musculature.
	And I should be considered just as healthy as anyone else.
	Okay, but I don't actually think that's true.
	I mean, healthy is not a judgment.
	It's a statement of medical fact.
	Okay, what you're doing is called concern trolling, and it is demeaning and is designed to shut down already marginalized people.
	Stop it.
	All right.
	You know what?
	I'm not actually concerned at all.
	You do what you want.
	I will.
	Thank you for your patriarchal permission to do so.
	Much appreciated.
	Jesus Christ.
	Anyway, I created a petition to circulate in my community to get public exercise banned.
	But unfortunately, the people at Favor are being real fascists and are claiming that their app doesn't actually offer a service where they take your petition door to door and get it signed for you.
	Which I think is 100% bullshit.
	So now I have filed a suit against them, and it's just, it's a garbage day so far.
	I have a migraine.
	Let's get this over with.
	Okay, you're a Hillary supporter, so let's talk Hillary.
	Yes, finally.
	A ray of hope amidst all this bullshit.
	You know, I assume you saw that Bernie Sanders endorsed Secretary Clinton the other day.
	How dare he?
	What?
	How dare he?
	That disgusted me so much.
	But wait, I thought that's what you wanted.
	Last time I talked to you, that's exactly what you were all demanding from him.
	Excuse me, but if you think we're simply going to stop being angry at Bernie Sanders just because he stopped doing the thing that was making us angry, you need to get a clue and let go of your linear thinking.
	Jesus.
	Okay, even if this is somehow a case of too little, too late, why are you actively mad that he endorsed her?
	Because we don't want his endorsement.
	Hillary doesn't need him or his rapey little movement.
	And now he's just brought all that Bernie Sanders campaign mess.
	All of that misogyny.
	All of that hate.
	All of that violence and threats of violence.
	All of those lies and fairy dust promises.
	The transparency, the stubborn clinging to ideals, all of the street beatings and curb stomping into Hillary's campaign.
	The greatest thing that's ever happened to this country, and I hate it.
	I hate it.
	I wish they would all just die.
	But the Democratic Party is uniting to defeat Trump.
	Isn't that a good thing?
	We don't need their help.
	That's the point.
	That's what you don't understand.
	What?
	How?
	You know what?
	I wish that Bernie would endorse Trump and all his minions would vote for Trump.
	Yeah, but then Trump would win.
	Trump would be our president then.
	Oh, because all the Bernie bros support him.
	That's about the most sexist thing I've ever heard.
	No, because he would have enough votes to win.
	That's how you become president by votes.
	Oh, please read a book.
	This election is not about votes.
	It's about the integrity of the campaigns.
	And believe me, honey, Hillary has already won.
	It doesn't matter if Hillary only has 100 supporters.
	As long as those supporters are truly with her, Hillary's going to win.
	Okay.
	But now we're flooded with all these ex-Bernie supporters.
	And not only does that sully the campaign and the message and compromise the spiritual power that Hillary's campaign had, but they, the actual people, are literally here.
	What do you mean?
	They'll be at the rallies campaigning for her.
	They'll be around in person.
	Don't you see?
	Hillary's campaign is no longer a safe space.
	Hillary can't guarantee her safety anymore.
	And it's all Bernie's fault.
	What do you mean not safe?
	Do I really need to explain this to you?
	Yes.
	When people get to enjoy a safe space, especially in a political arena, the last thing we want is for it to be flooded with straight white males.
	And the fact that they're Bernie bros makes it a thousand times worse.
	Women are going to have to worry about being sexually assaulted now.
	I hate to say it, but perhaps even Hillary herself.
	What?
	You think Hillary Clinton's going to be assaulted by a Bernie bro?
	What are you basing that on?
	Untreated anxiety and eulogia, which is a medically recognized disorder which renders someone unable to draw logical conclusions.
	And there's nothing wrong with that.
	That's as valid a way to draw a conclusion as anything else.
	What?
	And this thing where, furthermore, this thing where Bernie thinks he gets to have a say in the platform, you lost.
	Go home.
	To think that he could contribute to that just betrays what a sense of male entitlement he has.
	It sickens me.
	It's like when white males try to take cultural ownership of queer spaces.
	It's such imperialistic bullshit.
	Speaking of, you know, this show has received some criticism saying that your character is homophobic.
	Excuse me?
	Yeah.
	Well, as the person who writes and performs this character, I assure you that Hillary supporter and defendant listener before them purposely does not have a gender, let alone a sexual orientation.
	It is a disembodied voice.
	It's making fun of a specific type of verbiage and cadence that all sorts of people employ.
	And yes, Jimmy, it is a progressive voice.
	Just because it has been expunged of all traces of toxic masculinity doesn't mean it's female or gay.
	It just means it's not disgusting.
	I see.
	Hmm.
	But on the other hand.
	What?
	Well, the prime directive of this character is that all outrage is valid and must be supported.
	So if there's outrage about this character, I guess I have to be outraged about my own existence.
	Oh, man, this is hard.
	But I have to do it.
	You can do this, Hillary supporter.
	Okay.
	Hello.
	Hello, yes.
	Yes, I am going to complain about myself.
	I think it is revolting that you have on your show, which is supposed to be a progressive program.
	What a joke that is.
	Such an offensive, quote-unquote, comedy bit where you clearly are trying to marginalize women or gays.
	I'm not exactly sure which, but I'm pretty sure it's one of those two.
	I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
	As someone who's been a longtime listener of your program, you really should consider it.
	All right, Hillary supporter.
	I gotta go.
	I'll talk to you next time, pal.
	This is no show.
	The show for weak-minded, low-income luckies.
	The kind of people that are comments, maybe on tearing down our nation.
	It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
	It's hard to talk to you, guys.
	And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
	It's Jimmy Dore.
	Hey, everybody.
	Welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
	We got the new lights in.
	I hope you can notice how better and different it looks.
	If you don't, doesn't matter.
	Oh, hey, who's with us this week?
	We're from the miserable liberal Steph Zamarano was here.
	Hello, Steph.
	Hello, ladies.
	Hello.
	Also with us, hilarious comedian Hank Thompson.
	Hi, Hank.
	Hey there.
	Hashtag I'm with Mike Pence.
	Huh?
	Huh?
	Okay, so let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
	So we all know the horrible stuff that happened in Dallas, right?
	They shot five police officers.
	And, you know, I just couldn't help but thinking if those five police officers had been carrying guns, this would have never...
	Or if some of the citizens had had guns running around.
	Maybe some of the citizens.
	Oh, wait a minute.
	Cause chaos and confusion.
	So that idea, so you're saying that this really kind of counterdicts that idea of if everyone have a gun, we'd all be safer?
	Because everybody did have a gun and nobody was safer.
	In fact, they had to blow the guy up with a gun.
	They blew him up with a bomb.
	The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with an exploding robot.
	With an exploding robot.
	That's what they say anyway.
	Oh, Rudy Giuliani, right?
	He's back in the news.
	He said saying Black Lives Matter is racist, and he told black people that what they need to do is teach their kids respect for the police.
	That's what they need to do.
	Do you remember after 9-11?
	Remember right after 9-11 when everyone was united in forgetting what a racist piece of shit Rudy Giuliani was.
	Remember that?
	Or when he respected the police by raising funds at the tune of $9.11 per check?
	He did a fundraiser where that was the feature.
	Yeah.
	That's respecting the police.
	Giuliani, a friend of the people.
	Oh, he is a man of the people.
	If the people.
	So, I don't know if you heard about what's happening with Roger Ailes, right?
	And you don't, because he got accused of sexual harassment from Gretchen Carlson.
	Gretchen Carlson, one of the on-air hosts for a decade, all of a sudden turns out she's full of it.
	She's a big liar.
	They're letting us know.
	And to prove those accusations against Roger Ailes are false and with no basis in fact, Roger Ailes is airing them on Fox News to prove that they are false with no basis in fact.
	He's airing them on Fox.
	That's right, because it's Fox and Friends with benefits.
	Oh, my God.
	I didn't even think of that.
	Turns out it's Fox and Friends with Ben.
	You know, the heads of MSNBC and CNN aren't accused of harassment, but spouses claim that in the middle of sex, they always cut away to a Trump speech.
	Hey, did you hear Trump took a little time off from retweeting white supremacists' Twitter accounts to say that Black Lives Matters is inherently racist?
	He's coming up with his own stuff now.
	Oh, we're all on pins and needles.
	As we go to air, we are all on pins and needles waiting to see if Trump, who Trump is going to pick for his vice fur.
	Mike Pence, they say Mike Pence.
	I don't know, might be Mike Towns.
	Looks like it's going to be Mike Pence.
	As we go to air, it looks like it's going to be Mike Pence.
	And Mike Pence is really going to help Trump expand his base from white voters to really white voters.
	Sure, Trump is a bigot, but Mike Pence has a proven track record of using bigotry to ruin a state's economy.
	Yes, media outlets that, by the way, still airing Trump's speeches unedited.
	And the media outlets that air Trump's racist speeches Unedited, by all means, please keep telling us that Ruth Bader Ginsburg stepped over the line in her criticism of Trump.
	By all means.
	MSNBC.
	And then you tell me that the Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader, she's a little out of line, is she?
	But given an hour to a racist, unedited or fact-checked on your own network, that's perfectly okay.
	Ginsburg's a little mouthy.
	It's a little mouthy for the folks over at MSN.
	But, you know, pay Pokemon Go.
	Am I right?
	That's all I got.
	I've never been into video games, but I'm desperately trying to be relevant.
	I have no idea.
	Right?
	Have you heard about the Pokemon Go thing?
	It's the latest sensation.
	More like Pokemon Went.
	It's an augmented reality game in which people use their phones to capture fake animals around their neighborhood.
	It uses Google Maps and you wander around.
	It's led to all kinds of kooky interactions where people, a cop stink people in the park at night are up to no good deal in drugs.
	And they're just playing Pokemon.
	They're playing Pokemon.
	Yeah, you can look up all kinds of crazy stories.
	Some girl found a dead body.
	There's a way you can then train your creatures to fight each other.
	So you have little battles and they do it in churches.
	So the game designers decided churches were known as gyms inside the Pokemon world.
	I know.
	Jimmy's looking at.
	This is so crazy.
	It's insane.
	And so people, some guy who owns a church as his house, he bought like a rundown church, turned into his house.
	The software didn't know that.
	So all these people are showing up at his house, stalking, like kind of like causing disruption.
	So because it's so popular, all these unanticipated consequences are happening everywhere.
	One consequence is they're playing at the game at the Museum of Tolerance.
	Oh, right.
	Yeah.
	Yikes.
	Yes.
	Okay, I don't know.
	Yeah, the Holocaust Memorial had to ask people not to use it, but restaurants are using it to attract because you can put a thing in the game world that makes your location desirable to the creatures or something.
	Okay, I can't.
	Yeah, take in any more information about this.
	Yeah, you can check it out on my podcast, Pokemon Go podcast.
	I'm looking forward to your Pokemon.
	Maybe you should have a YouTube channel.
	I do.
	YouTube.com, Pokemon Listen.
	Pokemon Listen.
	Pokemon watch.
	Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
	Well, Fox News is terminating their relationship with Newt Gingrich and how that turns out just may surprise you.
	Also, we're going to talk about the GOP platform.
	It is pretty funny.
	It is pretty funny.
	Plus, we're going to take a look at how our Nobel Peace Prize winner is doing, prosecuting a couple of wars at the same time.
	And we got phone calls coming up today from Bernie Sanders.
	Oh, Rick Perry calls in today because he thinks he's going to be vice president.
	Uh-oh.
	Plus a lot, lot more than today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
	Hey, come see a live taping of the Jibby Door show at Flappers Comedy Club during the Burbank Comedy Festival.
	That's August 14th through 20th.
	Come get some food, laughs, and a rube because hotel rooms are right around the corner.
	Sponsored by Downtown Burbank Partnership.
	Then visit Burbank.
	Fox.
	So did you know Newt Gingrich has been a paid contributor for Fox News, that they've had him on the payroll?
	I didn't know that.
	And turns out he's not going to be anymore on the payroll.
	What happened?
	Roger Ailes try to fuck him?
	So, but here's what they said.
	This is what Fox News says.
	Ready, here we go.
	A programming note for you right now.
	Our network just releasing this statement.
	Fox News channel has mutually agreed to suspend its contributor agreement with former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, effective immediately due to the intense media speculation about Gingrich's potential selection.
	As Donald Trump's vice presidential candidate, we felt it best to halt his contributor role on the network to avoid all conflicts of interest that may arise.
	So Fox News, good for them.
	They're pretending to have integrity.
	They're pretending to have integrity.
	This one time.
	Isn't that like, why would they even bother?
	Why would they bother to even pretend to have integrity?
	And, you know, so they're saying, hey, you know, Newt Gingrich might be the vice president.
	And because of that, that would be a conflict of interest to have him come on and give actual news analysis because we obviously he'd be biased and we wouldn't be getting the straight dope out of him.
	So we're not going to pay.
	So we're not going to have him come on anymore.
	Really?
	You're not going to have him come on?
	And here he is, former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich.
	Now and then they bring him on to talk about it.
	What the?
	You just said you're not going to have a mob because of a conflict of interest and I didn't bring him on.
	Hey, at least they said it, right?
	At least they said it.
	I guess.
	I guess Roger Ailes said Fox News can't have employees that are running for office while female employees are running away from Roger Ailes' office.
	Newt left Fox News to be part of Trump's campaign, which gets him a job at CNN.
	So I think the flip side is also true.
	I think they're like, well, we don't want to taint a potential Newt Gingrich vice presidency.
	We want him to do that all by himself.
	We don't want to.
	So they're concerned about a potential conflict of interest from one of their paid contributors.
	Fox News is worried.
	NBC News is also concerned with the appearance of conflicts of interest.
	Just ask Andrea Mitchell, Chelsea Clinton, and Chris Matthews.
	If you know anything about hello people, you know there'll be nothing but big conflicts of interest.
	So that was something to hear about Fox News.
	Well, to be fair, Fox News has trouble with conflicts of interest of the people that they're paying.
	They have no trouble with the people that pay them creating conflicts of interest.
	Well, it's just their whole thing is one big conflict of interest, which is why that's kind of funny.
	They decided to draw the line with Newt.
	I just think they didn't want to pay him anymore.
	They want to pay him.
	So I'm watching.
	So I'm watching CNN.
	Now, CNN, I don't know, a lot of people don't know.
	One of the N's in CNN stands for news.
	The other one stands for not.
	And they've been, so they've hired Jeffrey Lord, right?
	That guy, he's a race.
	He's on there to give the racist point of view.
	They also had on that guy.
	They also paid that guy, Red State from Red State, that just a horrible human being, a misogynist, a racist.
	What's his Red State guy?
	What's his name?
	Eric Erickson.
	Oh, that's right.
	Oh, yeah.
	So they paid him for years.
	That guy, just a real just, he's like Trump, but a little chubbier.
	That's Eric Erickson.
	And so CNN has a history of doing this, paying horrible people to somehow come add to their news coverage.
	It's unbelievable, right?
	Who they hire to give, you know, Essie Cup.
	Hey, what does she think?
	Wait, what was Trump's campaign management?
	So they hired Corey Lewandowski also.
	So they hired Corey Lewandowski.
	So Trump gets fires.
	Corey Lewandowski finally.
	Now, if you know who Corey Lewandowski is, he's the guy who was charged with battery of a female reporter.
	People from Breitbart, who the reporter worked with, a lot of them resigned because breitbart.com sided with trump so all these people resigned from breitbart because some of them actually had integrity which i didn't understand you how you how did that work you worked for breitbart and you have integrity that doesn't make any sense so that's who this corey lewandowski is and he's the front man for a racist xenophobic maniac and uh so that and then as soon as he gets fired from trump cnn goes oh my god that'd be a great news guy he'd be great
	That guy who hates reporters, who barred the Washington Post from even getting credentialed.
	Like they barred people.
	If he wrote a negative story about Trump, Corey Lewandowski would take your press credentials away.
	That's the guy.
	CNN goes, let's get that guy's opinion.
	And I mean like within 48 hours, they had him under contract.
	Oh, like that.
	They had him under contract.
	One of the worst human beings in the country.
	Let's put him on our news show right next to another guy who's another horrible human being.
	I hear they're trying to revive the Orlando shooter.
	Have his own segment.
	CNN.
	CNN's trying to revive the Orlando shooter.
	Get his slanted take on things.
	So now I'm watching CNN.
	So CNN, they're horrible with the Corey Lewandowski.
	And watch how they introduced Corey Lewandowski.
	This is very interesting, right?
	Because we just saw how Fox News said they ended their relationship with Newt Gingrich because he's a potential vice presidential candidate.
	And him being a paid contributor to Fox News created a potential conflict of interest.
	So they stopped paying him.
	So he's.
	So even Fox News understands.
	So even Fox News understands that.
	CNN.
	Watch how they introduced Corey Lewandowski.
	Are you ready?
	Here we go.
	In Dallas.
	And here to discuss is Matt Lewis, senior contributor to The Daily Caller.
	Hillary Rosen, CNN political contributor and a Hillary Clinton supporter.
	And also with me, former Donald Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, who is still receiving severance from the Trump campaign.
	He will be the chair of the New Hampshire delegation at the Republican convention.
	And he is a CNN political commentator.
	He's still being paid by the Trump campaign.
	He is still the former chairman of the Trump campaign.
	Still being paid by the Trump campaign is now a political analyst being paid by CNN to come give insight.
	What they're doing is they're paying a propagandist.
	Why don't they just hire Himmler?
	What are they doing?
	Why don't they get Goebbels?
	Why don't they hire him?
	Are you kidding me?
	Did I pronounce Goebbels right, by the way?
	Yes.
	That's this is.
	Is this not the equivalent?
	Please, please.
	Someone.
	Somebody back me up.
	Is this not the equivalent?
	What do you think of this, Jim?
	Well, I think it's a pure conflict of interest.
	I think we must question their journalistic ethics.
	The CNN people.
	CNN.
	What a dumpster fire of a news channel.
	I'm shocked.
	Am I right?
	And if you turn and if you want to turn from CNN to MSNBC, MSNBC will be showing Trump's latest speech unedited and on fact check for an hour and a half.
	And they let his kid talk unedited and on fact checked.
	Also, MSNBC gave his kid time at a speed.
	Anyway, so that's what's happening.
	And you wonder why people get their news from YouTube.
	I'll tell you.
	This is why.
	This is why.
	We're going to hire a couple of racists to come on our show.
	A couple of guys being paid by the Trump campaign.
	Come on and give us your honest opinion.
	Did the check clear?
	That's not even news.
	That's not even news.
	That's a conversation that cancels itself out as it's happening.
	It's not even right.
	So this is an exercise in conflict of interest.
	This goes to show you what an un-news organization CNN is.
	Isn't this like if Karl Rove was being paid by CNN or by MSNBC during the Bush campaign?
	Yes.
	Karl Rove, like, same thing.
	He's the same.
	It's the same thing as if CNN hired Karl Rove in 2003 or 2004 to come give expert insight.
	When he did it for free.
	He did it for free on CNN.
	Right.
	Because they kept booking him.
	So there you go.
	It would be like if MSNBC hired Rachel Maddow to report on the Hillary campaign.
	Wait a minute.
	Wait a minute.
	Hold on.
	What?
	Oh, hey, ha.
	Can we just say for the record that CNN, their whole thing is like, well, we need to be entertaining.
	We need to get eyes.
	They're not even entertaining.
	They're a shitty organization at news.
	They're a shitty organization at entertainment.
	So they just have said nothing.
	Although Anthony Bourdain, I do learn a lot.
	Sure.
	So their best news show is a chef.
	Hi, everybody.
	You know, I told you about Casper mattresses before on this show.
	Why?
	Because they're made in America, which is a great thing.
	But there's lots of other great things about Casper that you probably don't know.
	It's not the only way that it's obsessively engineered.
	And it's at a shockingly fair price.
	You want to know what that fair price is?
	So, you know, mattresses usually cost around $1,500.
	You can get a Casper mattress for $500.
	You can get a Casper mattress for $500 for a twin-size mattress, $750 for a full-size mattress, $850 for a queen, and $950 for a king.
	Those are great prices.
	And guess what?
	Buying a Casper mattress comes completely risk-free.
	What do you mean, Jimmy?
	Well, you get free delivery and free returns.
	And what do you mean free return?
	Well, you get to sleep on it for 100 nights.
	And if after then you don't like it, send it back.
	That's a great way.
	You know, most of the times you get to sit, you lay in a bed for five seconds while you're in some showroom, and then that's it.
	think i like it i think i don't you get to sleep on this for a hundred nights you get to send it back if you don't like it isn't that great here's another thing it combines springy latex and supportive memory foam to create an award-winning sleep surface with just the right sink and just the right bounce i think i said that correctly and guess what time magazine time magazine named it one of the best inventions of 2015 in fact it's now the most awarded mattress of the decade i even know mattresses got awards so go to casper.com slash jimmy
	and use promo code jimmy to get 50 off your first mattress purchase that's casper.com slash jimmy and use the promo code jimmy to get 50 off your first mattress purchase hey you want to do some funny business at the burbank comedy festival it's august 14th through 20th it's at the
	flappers comedy club and restaurant so i'm going to be there that's me jimmy dor guess who else will be there tom shagura chris titus kate flattery drew Lynch, 250 new and emerging comedians from all over the world.
	And guess what?
	You can also get a hotel because they're right around the corner from Flappers, conveniently located for best hotel rates and special VIP festival pass.
	go to BurbankComedyFestival.com, sponsored by the Downtown Burbank Partnership, and visit Burbank.
	This is Jimmy.
	Jimmy Dorrick Berry.
	Oh, hey, Governor, how you doing?
	I'm back, baby.
	Back in the hunt for a national office.
	Oh, really?
	How so?
	Looking to be vice president now.
	It's like president, only without all this stuff you got to do and stuff.
	Well, that's great, Governor.
	What exactly are you doing to campaign for the vice presidency?
	Well, first of all, I have cleaned up my act.
	I've not had a drink or a button of peyote in three days.
	I have also taken many showers, and I'm no longer covered in man stank.
	Also, I'm wearing pants again.
	Well, those sound like a great start, but governor, I don't think that's going to be enough.
	You should let me finish there, interrupting Cal.
	Second, I have sent Mr. Trump a gift basket of muffins and exotic coffees.
	Again, I don't think that's going to do it.
	Jesus, will you just third and perhaps most importantly, I have begun a Trump apology campaign in which I will explain away the offensive things, untruthful, and implausible things Mr. Trump has said over the last several months.
	Also, the things he had said over the course of his lifetime.
	Yeah, that's right.
	I saw that you gave an interview where you downplayed the wall with Mexico.
	See, now, right there, what Donald meant was a virtual wall, like this saying here, that keeps the Roomba from going in the other room.
	See, it's not really a wall, it's like this little fat wanky thing that the Roomba is totally thinking, yeah, that's a wall, man.
	Yeah, I don't really see how that's gonna work.
	Well, see, what we're gonna do is put these special collars on the Mexicans, okay?
	And when they get too close to the virtual wall, the caller gives them a little shock.
	And the Mexicans will be all like, oh, man, I don't want to go over there where I keep getting shocked.
	I'll just stay here in Mexico.
	Okay, that's not at all what you're talking about is an electronic surveillance wall that the Border Patrol recommended.
	Okay, sure.
	And by the way, wasn't that electronic wall in the immigration reform bill that your party shot down?
	Oh, hell, I don't fucking know.
	Asking me all these kinds of questions with your numbers and schooling, man.
	And by the way, Governor, Donald Trump meant a physical wall.
	I mean, he said it was going to be 30 feet high.
	Yeah, but what about Benghazi?
	What?
	And scene.
	See, that's the kind of quality apologizing I'm going to be doing for the Donald.
	See, I'll show you another one.
	Oh, no.
	Donald Trump loves Muslims.
	Like if his daughter was a Muslim, he'd still have sex with her.
	Bam!
	Nailed it again.
	Governor, I don't think that's a good apology for...
	Hell no.
	He's going to be all like bullying reporters and asking for food.
	Like a reporter will ask him about Donald's comments on Saddam Hussein.
	And Christie will be all like, shut up.
	I'm a giant monster, Chris Christie, and I'll eat you in my giant stomach.
	Donald Trump, Mike Leader.
	You give me food now.
	Stukax.
	I don't think that's true, but God, I hope that happens.
	You know who else can kiss my hairless white ass crack?
	Mike Pence.
	Oh, Indiana Governor Mike Pence, certainly on the short list for the Republican ticket.
	Oh, yeah, because that's what you want.
	Hayseed von turnip truck answering questions about Trump's policies.
	He'll be all like, oh, yuck, yuck.
	When Mr. Trump said he supports torture, I don't think he meant.
	Then he'll probably use some animal husbandry analogy, like the pig needs to waterboard the rooster if he wants to get the sheet dip or some shit like that.
	And what do you think about Newt Gingrich?
	Because he's being thrown around as a possible candidate, too.
	Man, that Barney rubble, little motherfucker.
	Here's the thing, Jimbo.
	Newt would be great like once.
	He'd be amazing, saying all the right things at the right time.
	Then the next day, he'd be like, oh, also, we need to declare war on the moon.
	The moon people are coming for our jobs.
	Run for the hills because those aren't on the moon.
	Because that guy is bi-fucking polar, man.
	That makes a lot of sense.
	No, man, you want a quality vice president?
	There's only one choice.
	Lightning Rick Perry.
	Lightning?
	Yeah, that's kind of my nickname from college.
	Were you a fast runner or something?
	Nah, man.
	I'm like a super premature ejaculator.
	Okay, Governor.
	If I just think a sexy thought, there's a party in my pants.
	I'm not even invited.
	Seriously, man, I gotta wear a condom like all the time.
	Hell, I'm wearing a full one right now.
	You do know I'm recording this, right?
	I gotta be careful of thoughts like ladies' booby parts or thoughts like ladies' vagina parts, because those are things that are very exciting to me.
	Okay, I'm gonna go, Governor.
	Well, all right, Jimbo.
	And remember, make America great again.
	Row!
	Quit fooling around and bring me a cold mojito and a fresh Ramsey's.
	Pronto, por favor.
	Things have changed around here.
	It looks like Hillary Clinton will be making her story.
	You see what I'm saying?
	On the other hand, GOP rival Donald Trump is more like a circus carney.
	No offense to circus carnies.
	Just when we thought Donald Trump's fascist, racist retorts couldn't get any worse for Muslims, Mexicans, immigrants.
	Oh, my.
	Or should I say III?
	He even told Justice Ruth Ginsburg she's an embarrassment and should resign.
	Trump is a straight shooter.
	And if you're like me, sometimes you need a dose of Donald's wisdom to get you through your day.
	Here are some of his quotable quotes that give me strength.
	Sorry, losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest and you all know it.
	Please don't feel so stupid or insecure.
	It's not your fault.
	Or my fingers are long and beautiful.
	As it has been well documented, are other various parts of my body, too.
	See, he's smart and has long body parts, too.
	Huh, ladies?
	When is the last time you cast your ballot for the candidate with long and beautiful body parts?
	And my favorite: women.
	You have to treat them like shit.
	It's like he knows me.
	Every time I see his wife, Melania, standing by his side, I think, oh my God, you married that.
	You have sex with him.
	So lucky.
	So, so lucky.
	I guess when Donald Trump says make America great again, he means marry a foreign supermodel and have an anchor baby.
	Yay!
	music
	So Barack Obama has been slowly ramping up the war in Iraq again.
	You know, of course, we're in Afghanistan.
	We're going to be there forever.
	We've been there for 15 years.
	Five more years, we get a gold watch.
	And so Barack Obama, he's been slowly ramping it up.
	You see all the headlines, right?
	Obama orders 200 more to protect.
	Obama orders 1,500.
	Obama orders.
	So he's ordering more.
	Let's listen.
	Rachel Meino's going to tell us.
	One of the largest expansions yet.
	Secretary of Defense Ash Carter took a surprise trip to Iraq and he announced there that another 560 American troops will be deployed into Iraq this time specifically to help retake the large Iraqi city of Mosul.
	Oh, so I guess everything should be fixed then after that.
	We just need a couple of another 450.
	Is that what they said is going over there?
	So just a couple hundred more guys, and I think everything that's all really that we really need to fix the Middle East.
	What the?
	What are they doing?
	A couple of hundred more.
	We need a couple hundred more guys.
	What are you doing?
	What is that about?
	So Barack Obama, here he is, by the way, not getting out of Afghanistan either.
	What?
	Mosul's been taking more times than Liam Neeson's daughter.
	What is wrong with you?
	Barack Obama.
	Not a quagmire, by the way.
	We're not going to let Iraq end up.
	Not a quagmire.
	So they're still sending, so they're sending people back.
	So now we have about, what is it?
	Rachel, how many people we have?
	From ISIS control.
	This latest edition means that we're now back up officially to about 4,600 American troops.
	What about unofficially?
	Unofficially, the number is larger than that.
	Unofficially, the number has already cleared 5,000 Americans back in Iraq.
	So we got 5,000 troops in Iraq.
	We got 10,000 troops in Afghanistan at least.
	This latest round of bombing being brought to you by Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama for people who enjoy irony with their bombing.
	So yeah, so going back, we're back in Iraq full.
	We got people.
	Everything's going.
	We're ramping up.
	We're going to fix that Middle East.
	If it takes just a couple hundred more guys, we're going to fix it.
	We're going to fix the Middle East with a couple hundred more guys.
	What the F. So here's what Barack Obama has to say about ramping up in our wars.
	In January, the next U.S. president will assume the most solemn responsibility of the commander-in-chief, the security of the United States and the safety of the American people.
	And you know how you secure the United States?
	You just start bombing other countries who haven't attacked us.
	You know, like Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan.
	Didn't attack us.
	The Al-Qaeda attacked us.
	We got rid of the Al-Qaeda in about a week.
	We're still there 15 years later.
	So that's they somehow foreign wars of choice are now termed safe because to keep us safe.
	That's my biggest.
	I got to keep you safe.
	So that's why I've drone bombed seven different Muslim countries.
	That's why we're keeping you safe.
	You know, when we went into Libya, that's to keep you safe because Libya was going to attack us.
	That's not to keep us safe.
	It's got nothing to do with keeping us safe.
	Nothing to do with keeping us safe.
	All right.
	The decision I'm making today ensures that my successor has a solid foundation for continued progress in Afghanistan.
	Yeah, I'm going to make sure he has a solid foundation for progress.
	What that means is we're keeping troops there.
	We're going to keep, we're going to keep the war going.
	I'm going to make sure that we keep the war going for my next predecessor.
	We're going to make sure when he gets into office or she, that they have a full-blown war going.
	So they don't have to worry to start one themselves.
	We're going to make sure that we, it's unbelievable.
	I like that all of the last hundred years of history tells us that progress in Afghanistan is literally impossible.
	Literally impossible.
	Like it just, it's going to be the way it's going to be.
	You're not going to make it.
	There's nothing you can do.
	You can't get clean water to people in Flint, Michigan.
	You can't get clean water to people in Flintwood, Michigan still.
	And somehow, all we need is a couple of more guys with rifles.
	We're going to fix some problems over in Iraq.
	People dying for lack of health care in America every day.
	People in debt, people with no retirement savings, people with lead in their water.
	We got no answers for people here at home.
	But we're going to, you know what?
	I know what will fix Afghanistan.
	10,000 more people with guns.
	Yep.
	You know what will also fix Iraq?
	Maybe 450, maybe 5,000 people with guns.
	Who knows?
	This war is like the motel 666.
	It just never closes and will keep the light on for you for the next president.
	I actually, I mean, I think that the goal that he's setting in Afghanistan and Iraq are getting, it's getting closer to what basically we pulled in Korea, which is we're just going for a stalemate at this point.
	Yeah, we're just going to stay there forever.
	Right.
	They're staying there.
	They're not leaving.
	Right.
	But they're also hoping that it's going to be like 10,000 troops, but they go there.
	That's their tour.
	Nothing happens.
	They go home.
	Like a lot of the guys who go to South Korea.
	It's the shittiest gig in the army, but they go there.
	They hopefully don't get shot at, which, by the way, they do.
	And then they come home.
	So that's what they're going for at this point because there's nothing to be won at this point.
	So you're telling me.
	Yeah.
	So what does this mean for Barack Obama that he's ramping up the so that's the thing?
	The guy gets the peace prize.
	That's the beauty of it, right?
	He gets the peace prize.
	He hadn't done anything yet.
	He gets the peace prize.
	He immediately ramps up the war in Afghanistan, started bombing Libya, put a hit out on Osama bin Laden.
	Now we're back putting people in Iraq, Syria, and Afghanistan again.
	You know, That's the thing about those peace prizes, Robert.
	Nobody ever tries to win a second one.
	So, what does this mean for Barack Obama's legacy?
	What does this mean?
	I'm going to let Chris Karnaki going to tell me what this means for his legacy.
	Let's see who's going to tell me.
	It means that President Obama does not get to end the war in Afghanistan during his presidency.
	It means he does not get to bring back the troops.
	And it means that in one of his final acts as president, he is sending more troops into that conflict in Afghanistan at the same time that we're sending troops back into Iraq and now into Syria, increasing our involvement in the longest war we've ever fought in Afghanistan.
	15 years now.
	Yeah, and that's our Peace Prize winning president.
	That is awesome.
	That is awesome.
	He's been eight years overseeing a war in Afghanistan, and he's got a peace prize to prove it.
	And he's ramping it up as he walks out as he leaves office.
	He's going to ramp it back up.
	Same thing in Iraq.
	Say, they can say, let's go.
	Enough with this peace shit.
	We got to drop some fucking bombs and get some stuff done.
	So I know we've been giving the Democrats a hard time about their platform because it's full of corporate bullshit.
	It is.
	They're pro-TPP in the platform.
	They're pro-Fracking in the platform right there.
	That's enough to make me go, well, that's not the party I'm in.
	So I'm not.
	Also, they won't get lobbyists out of, they won't close the revolving door of lobbyists and regulators and government.
	That's also so there's lots of horrible stuff in the Democratic platform.
	A lot of good stuff too.
	There's like, according to Bernie Sanders, it's the most progressive party platform ever, which, wow, how bad were the other platforms?
	So, but now we're going to move on to the GOP platform because it's, it turns out even worse.
	It's like a joke platform.
	Like the Democrats, that's at least you go, okay, that's a platform.
	I understand.
	I see what's happening.
	There's corporate influence.
	I see that.
	Okay, blah, blah, blah.
	Some people got paid off, and this is all about money and lobbyists being inside the party, lobbyists being on the platform committee.
	I get that.
	Okay, these are core.
	So here's.
	When you hear the Republican Party platform, it feels like it should be read out loud by a racist Southern sheriff.
	Let's do it.
	Well, first thing we got right here.
	First of all, we have a failure to communicate because what the GOP platform is, what the American people want is gay rights, but the GOP platform is for the reversal of the Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage.
	We have a failure to communicate.
	Also, we'd like to close the door after the cow has left.
	Yeah, sorry, too late.
	Let's reverse the Supreme Court decision.
	Hey, maybe if they get another maniac on the thing.
	So here we go.
	What else are they doing?
	Let's see what else they're doing.
	What else is on the no two-state-state solution in the Middle East?
	So no solution in the Middle East.
	So no solution.
	They don't want a solution in the Middle East.
	That's amazing, right?
	So their platform is no solution?
	They're part of their platform is no peace in the Middle East.
	Well, a peace in the Middle East means no second coming of Christ.
	That's what I was thinking.
	So if there's peace there, that means they have to wait for Christ to come back.
	So that's why they're okay with nuclear war and all that stuff and Iran and starting a war because they want it to come because as soon as that happens, then Jesus are going to show back up according in their brain, right?
	Yeah, that's what, yeah, that's what right.
	But that's that probably was dictated directly by Benjamin Netanyahu.
	He probably called in and said, this is what I want.
	So this is the first two things.
	This is hilarious.
	Reversal of Supreme Court.
	No two-state.
	What the.
	And then let's see what else we got.
	Let's see what else.
	What else is up there?
	Online pornography declared public health crisis.
	I'm glad they're so grown up.
	What the F?
	Magazines only?
	Online.
	I guess online.
	Online.
	Online pornography declared public health.
	But Donald Trump, not a public health threat.
	Martha caught me jacking one out, and now I have to put that in the platform.
	I'm going to put that on the platform.
	Yes.
	That's hilarious, right?
	Let's see what else they got on there.
	Is there anything else on their platform?
	No snap benefits used to purchase junk food.
	So they're really tackling the big problems in America.
	They continue to keep a close eye on the poor.
	How are you going to be able to have fun?
	You know, you have to, no same-sex marriages, no peace in the Middle East, pornography, snap.
	How am I going to enjoy my Friday nights?
	No, so they're coming after poor people again.
	Again, that's those lazy, that's what's bankrupting us.
	It's the people with no money and no power.
	Snap benefits.
	So you can't buy junk food.
	Oh, it just drove them nuts to think that there was a penniless poor person eating a candy bar.
	Oh my God, we got to stop that.
	And never mind the fact that that particular regulation will cost more than it will save and snap benefits.
	Yeah.
	They're obsessed with pornography.
	Maybe George W. was just bouncing around trying to get rid of a boner.
	I can't tell you how many times I've been at a funeral and one pops up.
	You mean when President Bush was seen dancing at the funeral?
	Yes.
	At the Slain Officers in Dallas.
	Yeah, he was dancing.
	So, and then Zeke Miller treated our GOP platform committee now debating what junk food is.
	Oreos versus chocolate-covered Oreos.
	Seriously.
	You know, Jimmy, according to Mother Jones, another thing, another platform that they had, I didn't even see this.
	Teach the Bible.
	Oh, teach the Bible in public schools as literature.
	So as bad as the Democratic platform is, at least it's not a cartoon of a platform because that's what the Republicans are.
	They're a cartoon party right now.
	This is a cartoon, right?
	And by the way, the news, now the news journalism on television and newsprint, and they all have to now be what they call neutral, meaning they can't make a value decision on that.
	They can't objectively, objectively, you go, that's a cartoon of a platform.
	That's backwards.
	That's out of step.
	That sounds like some sexually repressed, overly religious monk wrote that.
	It sounds like a concerted effort to miss the point.
	It's that they're not even around the point.
	They're not even thinking about the point.
	What are all the things that aren't actual problems?
	What are not problems that we can invent that it's just so yeah, so Democrats bad platform, Republicans cartoon platform.
	But you know what?
	It will be again, Luke Russell will say both sides do it.
	Well, you know, the Democrats had a problem with their platform, too.
	That's how it'll be reported.
	It won't get reported like, hey, look how bad crap crazy one of our political parties has become.
	And look how conservative our liberal party has become.
	That'd be an accurate way to report this stuff and frame it in the news.
	But they don't frame things in the news accurately anymore.
	They think neutrality.
	Everybody's opinion is equal.
	This platform's as good as the Democratic platform.
	It's as good as the Libertarians and the Greek.
	It's just a platform.
	I can just tell you what's in it.
	I can't actually frame it right for you.
	Because that's what news journalism is today.
	It's complete bullshit because they've replaced objectivity with neutrality.
	But I'm giving it to you, Strat.
	There we go.
	Rot.
	Anybody else, anything else to say about the platform?
	Well, you know, if they teach, I can agree with them teaching the Bible as literature as long as they put it in the science fiction section.
	In the porn section.
	Oh, put it in that online porn section.
	Porn section.
	So they're just the party of, that seemed like the party of the 1930s.
	And it's the 21st century.
	And they're shocked that Donald Trump is winning.
	They're shocked that their platform is that out of touch.
	Out of touch.
	That's insane.
	Has nothing to do with what's actually going to win the presidency for either party.
	And they're shocked that their party is being taken over by somebody who doesn't care about any of that.
	Who's an anti-intellectual, empty maniac, narcissistic, everything racist, misogynist, xenophobe.
	And they're shocked that he's taking over their party.
	That's what you're saying.
	Because this is their platform.
	It's so well thought out.
	Right.
	It's such an answer for the problems of our day.
	We'll talk about shocking.
	This didn't make the list right now, but this is on their platform from Mother Jones.
	They note gay conversion therapy.
	Yes, this is true.
	So several states, and they put it this way: several states have banned gay conversion therapy for minors, but the GOP is not ready to accept the consensus among psychologists that the pseudoscience does nothing more than harm the children it purports to cure.
	And in quotes, we support the right of parents to determine the proper treatment or therapy for their minor children.
	So they're just never going to get over this gay thing.
	But they're against metric gay conversion.
	laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter
	Hello, who's this?
	Hello, America.
	This is Bernie Sanders.
	Oh, Bernie, how are you doing?
	And if you're like me, you're probably concerned about fiber.
	Well, now there's a great way to add fiber to your day without ever having to eat anything like real food, which may get stuck in the horrific twists and turns of your distended colon.
	Hello?
	That's right.
	Meta Musil.
	Malcolm's three flavors.
	Orange, super orange, and orange-orange.
	Oh, fuck me.
	Bernie, this is Jimmy Door.
	Do you have the wrong number again?
	Who in the name of Jesus Christ for the popsicle stickers list?
	This isn't the Metabusel, people.
	No, Bernie, I'm sorry.
	No.
	Last week it was Grubhub.
	The week before that, it was Oba.
	This week, it's Melamucil.
	Why is it that every time I try to make a little money on the side, I get you on the goddamn phone?
	Don't you know you're in the way of me becoming a 10,000 there?
	Thank you.
	Thank you.
	you
	music
	You know, there's a lot more to that.
	Bernie Sanders phone call.
	Yes, probably about eight more minutes, actually.
	And how do you hear that?
	Well, you got to get the premium.
	How do I get the premium?
	You go over to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
	You click Jordan Premium.
	It's $5 a month.
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	I'm not a math surgeon, but I'm pretty sure it's three cents a day.
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	It's pretty inexpensive.
	Not even a penny a day.
	$5 a month.
	You go over there.
	And when you make your, if you pay for the whole year, we give you a month free, $5 a month.
	If you pay for the whole year, we give you a month free.
	It's a great way to help support the show.
	Then you get to hear all our premium bonus extra stuff and all the extra calls that go in there and stuff like that.
	So swing over to what happens is you make your donation.
	We send you an email with the passcode and you're supporting a good cause.
	That's the beauty.
	So thanks everybody who's already a member.
	Hey, guess what?
	Burbank Comedy Festival, we're doing the live Jimmy Door show.
	I'd mentioned it before on the show, but it's going to be August.
	Here's what happens.
	They gave me three links.
	They gave me a link for three links for tickets.
	One's a comp ticket link, one's a half price ticket link, and one's a full price ticket link.
	And I'm like, well, which one should I put up at my website?
	So I'm going to put up the comp ticket link this week.
	So if you would like to come, it's August 17th.
	That's a Wednesday, and it's at 5 p.m.
	And it's in Burbank at the Flappers Comedy Club.
	So if you want to come to that, you know, it would be fun.
	We'll probably have a special guest or two on the show.
	It'll be a 5 p.m. show at the Burbank Comedy Festival.
	Hey, yeah, we might get a, let's get a real special guest for that.
	Yeah, let's do that.
	Okay, so that'll be, it's a Wednesday.
	It's 5 p.m.
	So I'm going to put a link up over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
	Go over there.
	I'm going to put up the comp link and I'll leave it up for a few days.
	I'll leave it up till done this time next week and we'll see what happens.
	Okay.
	And if they tell me to take it down, that there's too many people, I'll take it down, but we'll see what happens.
	So go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
	If you'd like to come see a live Jimmy Door show at 5 p.m. in Burbank, that's on August 17th.
	That's a Wednesday at 5 p.m.
	If you can make it, that would be great.
	So that's it.
	I'll remind you about it.
	Well, I'm going to put that comp ticket leak up, but we'll see what happens.
	Okay.
	Hey, also, that's it.
	That is it.
	Today's show was written.
	That's right.
	It was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasimura, Jim Earl, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zamarano.
	All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
	Okay, we'll see you August 17th at the Burbank Comedy Festival for a live Jimmy Doer show taping.
	Until then, this is Jimmy Dorsey and you'll be the best you can be.
	And I'll keep being me.
	Do not freak out.
	Do not freak out.
	I'm not do not freak out.
	Do not freak out.
	Do not freak out.
	Do not do not do not do not do not do not.
	I'm not kidding.
	I'm not kidding.
	Do not freak out.
	Do not freak out.
	I'm not do not freak out.
	I'm not, not, not, not, I'm not, I'm not, not, not, freak out.
	I'm not kidding.
	Don't dump the fucking up the phone.
	Do not freak.
	Do not freak out.
	Don't bring out.
	Don't bring up.
	Don't bring out.
	Don't dump the fuck up the phone freak out.
	Don't freak out.
	I'm not getting it.
	Don't bring it out.
	Don't you don't.
	Don't do not move around.
	Do not freak out.
	Don't freak out.
	Do not do not freak out.
	Do not freak out.
	I'm not kidding.
	Not freak out.
	Not freak out.
	Don't freak out.
	Don't dump the dumpster with the boat.
	Do not freak out.
	Don't bring out!
	Do not freak out.
	I'm not giving.
	Do not do that.
	Do not freak out.
	Do not freak out.
	Don't freak out.
	Don't freak out.

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