All Episodes
Previous Next
April 22, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
58:25
20160422_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_4-22-16
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
The Jimmy Dore Show!
*phone rings*
Hello, Congressman King.
Yeah, this is Peter King.
Who's this?
God.
God damn it.
Get back in there, you son of a bitch.
*laughter*
Congressman King, it's Jimmy Dore.
Okay, Jimmy, just bear with me for a minute.
Fucking whoa, easy.
Easy.
Congressman King, what's going on?
Hold on.
Yeah.
Okay, okay, done.
What the fuck do you want now?
What are you doing?
Yeah, just wrestling these snakes back into this goddamn cage here.
I'm done, though.
Snakes?
What is going on over there?
I'm in New York.
It's madness.
Freaking madness.
Yeah, I've been seeing that, but snakes?
You're goddamn right, snakes.
The other day, did you hear what I said?
If Cruz got the nomination.
That you would take cyanide.
That's right.
And I got some right here on my bedstand, ready to go.
Ah, that's grim.
You bet it is.
These are grim times, Jimmy.
A grim cloud has settled over the Republic.
Time to start dealing with our problems like the characters in a Scandinavian crime novel.
Okay.
But that promise was if Cruz won the nomination.
And what I didn't reveal to the public is that if Ted Cruz had won the state of New York, the home of Theodore Roosevelt and Nelson Rockefeller, I was going to dispatch myself in a much more dramatic fashion.
Oh, yeah, what's that?
I was going to give myself voluntarily up to a nest of poisonous snakes.
Are you serious?
As a third heart attack, Jimmy.
Asps, to be specific, like Cleopatra.
I was going to kill myself with asps.
Asps?
Yes, asps.
What?
I said asks.
Okay, okay.
You mean ASPS asks?
Okay.
So even though he wasn't expected to win, per se, I had to have a bevy of these stingy fuckers over at my place, ready to plop into my bathtub if the bad news came down to wire.
I see.
However, even though Cruz, praise be, lost the primary, these little legless lizards got free out of the cage and were slithering around all over the foyer.
Oh, no.
Yeah, you believe in it?
My wife fainted.
The dog is going fucking bananas over here.
It's a mess.
I had to get one of those graspy pole things from the shed and stuff them back into the cage one by one.
That's what I was doing when you called.
So, sorry, my fairs were in arrears.
No worries.
Just glad to hear you've got the situation back in.
One of them bit me.
What?
Little slimy fuck.
Congressman King, that's not good.
No shit, Sherlock.
My neck looks like a bullfrog's.
I think you better.
Mother Mary, help me, please.
You better go to the hospital.
Yeah, I'll just drink through this.
All right.
Well, just be careful.
What do you want to know?
Well, what would you have done if you'd have gotten your hands on a cage full of asps?
Auto-defenestration.
What, what?
Auto-defenestration.
It's a fancy pants word for throwing yourself out of a window.
Oh, okay.
Do you live in a high-rise?
No, we've got a split-level ranch over here.
Well, how would that work?
If I threw myself out of a window here, I'd basically belly flop onto my wife's precious Azaleas that she spends her entire waking life tending to and ruined them.
So she'd beat me to death with a shovel while I was lying there.
Oh, wow.
Suicide bite, bitch.
Congressman King, she might hear you.
Nah, she's still passed out from the snakes.
Jimmy, I've never felt more alive.
Are you sure?
How's your neck doing?
It looks like an innotube made out of corn beef.
Okay, Congressman.
Okay.
Listen, what do you think about Hillary's big win in New York last night?
I don't think nothing of it.
If I think about that broad one more time, I'm going to slide into hyplexia.
My suicide fantasies are strictly tied to Ted Cruz and the Republican Party.
But I will say that back in my day, some pantsuit wear it walked from Arkansas, but also Scranton and also Chicago, certainly wouldn't have been able to waltz into New York and dominate it politically.
These are grim times.
I would imagine not.
Look, Jimmy, my wife is coming too.
I'm going to go bonk him on the head to buy me a few more hours of sports center and wild turkey.
If I succumb to this snake bite, do me one last favor and tell everyone I hated them.
I love you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for not minded low-income blockies.
The kind of people that are.
Commence maybe on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It starts talking to T-Gale.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's show.
I am joined in the studio for the miserable liberal blog.
It's our resident Latina, Steph Zamorano, is here.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
Hola, Jimmy Felice, Dia de la Tierra.
Oh, in English.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Earth Day.
Oh, happy Earth Day.
Okay, also with us, Hilarious Cometeor and the author of Morning Remembrance, hilarious obituaries of real dead people.
It's Jim Earle.
Hey, Jim.
Hey, thank you.
Thanks a lot, Jimmy.
Happy 420.
Big stoner.
All right.
I got the munchies.
Happy 420 to you too, Jim.
Also with us.
Hilarious comedian Hank Thompson.
Hey, Jake.
Hey, Jimmy, I'm voting for Hillary because she's a progressive who gets things eventually.
Yeah.
You've just been incremented.
Yes.
Let's get to some of the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Some of the jokes today.
Folks, here is a joke.
Hey, Trump's victory in New York, big victory for Donald Trump in New York.
It's especially sweet because it's his home state, and it's the place where he first realized he wanted to bang his daughter.
Ah, it's got to be extra sweet when you win that state.
Am I right?
Having a hot daughter must be such a curse for Donald Trump, for pedophiliac billionaires.
Yes, for that too.
Hey, did you hear they're going to replace the $20 bill, Andrew Jackson?
Gonna get replaced by, first of all, Andrew Jackson, talk about karma.
Now he knows what it's like to be displaced.
Am I right?
Am I right?
Andrew Jackson, trail of tears, everybody.
It's funny.
Hey, you know, it did a lot of good for JFK.
Getting on the half dollar.
Oh, there you go.
Well, now they're going to replace her with Harriet him with Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill.
And, you know, she will be irrelevant if Republicans win the White House because we'll be converting to Confederate currency anyway.
I can't believe that.
Sojourner Truth was robbed.
Can you believe that?
That's all the jokes I have for today.
That's it.
That's all the jokes before the jokes.
Didn't write that many jokes this week.
Had a lot going on.
Don't freak out.
What's coming up on today's show?
We're going to take a look.
Hillary Clinton talks about dropping out of the primary.
This was back in 2008.
I bet she's saying something opposite today.
Also, Hillary Clinton talks about the effect of big money in politics.
I wonder if she's saying the same thing today.
Maybe it's different.
Maybe it's the same.
I guess Hardball weighs in on Bernie Sanders with some BS.
Also, George Clooney goes on press the meat with our favorite guy with the Caesar haircut.
And also, Howard Dean is at it again, telling progressives to shut up.
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, George Clooney calls in.
Liam Neeson calls in.
And Representative Peter King, who said he would rather eat cyanide than vote for Ted Cruz, is going to call in.
Plus a lot more that's today on the Jimmy Door show.
So there was a big raucous, this is Chuck Todd.
It was a big raucous.
George Clooney was holding a series of fundraisers where people had to spend a lot of money to come meet Hillary Clinton, right?
That was the whole deal, Hillary Clinton, $300,000 over for a couple, what have you.
So there were protesters, right?
That's where people threw dollar bills at Hillary Clinton's SUV as she was on her way to a $300,000 plate dinner.
I know it's over $300,000.
So Chuck Todd brought on George Clooney to ask him about it.
Now, I understand George Clooney is an actor and he's not a politician, so you don't have to go quite as hard on him.
But Chuck Todd, you know, I get it.
You're talking to George Clooney.
Maybe you're nervous.
Okay, let's listen to how puffy, what is it, softball-y, his questions are.
I got a chance yesterday to talk to George Clooney.
I got a chance yesterday to talk to George Clooney.
And I'm still kind of wet about it.
Got a chance yesterday to talk to him, but look at me.
Woo-hoo.
I'm still putting it out by Facebook.
Here we go.
Ms. Holmes outside of LA.
And he was very open and candid about what he thought about all that money that is pouring into campaigns at events like the one he hosted.
Dinner you co-hosted on Friday night.
Big fundraiser.
I know that you have planned for later tonight.
Do you look at how much is being raised?
And I think the co-host of the Friday Night Dinner, $353,000 a couple to be a co-chair.
Do you look at it yourself and think that's an obscene amount of money?
Yes.
I think it's an obscene amount of money.
I think that, you know, we had some protesters last night when we pulled up in San Francisco.
And they're right to protest.
They're absolutely right.
It is an obscene amount of money.
The Sanders campaign, when they talk about it, is absolutely right.
It's ridiculous that we should have this kind of money in politics.
I agree.
So Chuck Todd is probably going to come right at him, right?
So I'm just playing this part of the interview.
George Clooney doesn't, first of all, he agrees it's obscene.
Chuck Todd, I bet didn't see that coming.
He's going to come right back at him, though.
Watch Chuck Todd.
You know, it's interesting.
We caught, our camera caught you having a conversation with the protesters last night.
What did you say to him?
So, you know, the protesters who weren't afraid to ask you a question, what would your answer be to their questions?
What was your answer to their questions?
Because I'm already three questions in, and I haven't really asked you a question yet.
But there were some protesters there.
I'm going to guess they asked some pretty pointed questions.
What'd you say to them?
What was your response to the?
So here we go.
Well, that was the funniest thing.
I went over to try to talk to him.
And he said I was some corporate chill, which if you know me, that's one of the funnier things you could say about me.
It is funny, especially since I'm hosting a $350,000 plate titter.
It is hilarious.
I mean, I'm the farthest.
I mean, come on.
I mean, just because I'm, ha ha ha.
Anyway.
Now, I know George Clooney's a lefty and what have you, but he is supporting Hillary Rodham Clinton.
So you can't then say that, okay?
You can't.
I know I'm hosting a $350,000 plate titter, and I'm supporting the poster child for money in politics, but that's just crazy to say that I'm coming.
You can see why someone would say it, though, right?
I understand, George, you're on the right side of almost every issue.
I get it.
You are supporting the wrong candidate.
But you can understand.
Okay, so here we go.
Now, watch, here's his next answer is even funnier.
And Chuck Todd really comes back at him.
And then he just said, you know, you sucked as Batman.
And I was like, well, you kind of, you kind of got me on that one.
And then I walked away.
And that was basically it.
He got chucked out.
I don't know if you heard Chuck Todd.
That was a full-throated lie.
I got him.
Clooney is funny.
You can't deny that.
I'm not denying it.
Here we go.
But watch how Chuck Todd follows up.
But, you know, here's, I think what's important, and what I think the Clinton campaign has not been very good at explaining is this.
And this is the truth.
What her message is.
That would be the, was that it?
Like why she wants to be president, what have you, things like that, what she's going to do for working people, things like that, those kind of thing.
The overwhelming amount of money that we're raising, and it is a lot, but the overwhelming amount of the money that we're raising is not going to Hillary to run for president.
It's going to the down ticket.
It's going to the congressmen and senators to try to take back Congress.
And the reason that's important and the reason it's important to me.
Now, let me just say very quickly, there's been a lot of disputing of that kind of thing, that there's some kind of counterspin did a whole thing about how they're funneling money back to the Hillary Clinton campaign through things like this, right?
I'm not making this up.
According to an FEC filing.
An FEC filing.
Yeah, like two-thirds of it went back to Hillary.
So I've heard the pack is Hillary for president or something.
Yes.
Most of it's supposed to go.
So a pack, the money is supposed to go to the right.
And then they're supposed to.
Right.
But she's getting, I've heard numbers, 50%.
You've heard more than that.
I'm saying there's a lot of controversy about what he's saying.
Okay, I'm just saying there's a lot of, that's not cut and dried.
It's all going to down-ticket Democrats.
A lot of dispute about that.
Even Salon talks about it.
They're highlighting, examining the Hillary Victory Fund and how much money is funneled towards it.
Yes.
And not to the states.
Yes.
So there's, so that's, first of all, and Chuck Todd, of course, doesn't know any of that.
Like, I know about it.
Steph knows about it.
Jim knows about it.
Chuck Todd doesn't know about this, apparently.
That's not really going.
There's at least he should know that at least there's reporting that's pushing back against that narrative.
You know, there's reporting that says this and that.
And I've seen the reporting that says this, Mr. Clooney.
And there's reporting on this and dispute on this because no one's held accountable.
Right.
There's nobody held accountable.
So let's let George finish his answer and then watch Chuck Todd come back.
He's because we need, I'm a Democrat, so if you're a Republican, you're going to disagree, but we need to take the Senate back because we need to confirm a Supreme Court justice because that fifth vote on the Supreme Court can overturn Citizens United and get this obscene, ridiculous amount of money out.
So I never have to do a fundraiser again.
And that's why I'm doing it.
So watch Chuck Todd.
Now, first of all, what he's saying is I have to raise an obscene amount of money so we can get the obscene amount of money that's in politics out.
All right.
There's actually an argument to make there.
I understand.
It's weird.
It's a weird way to attack the problem.
It's not, you know, it's kind of maybe a little bit counterintuitive.
And he's saying we have to get the Supreme Court nominee.
Let me tell you something.
Barack Obama just nominated a guy.
We have no idea how he's going to rule on Citizens United.
If the guy's a Republican, Barack Obama, we elected him.
All this money we raised, all this stuff, we want to get the guy, this is what he wants to do.
I'm just letting you know.
So watch Chuck Todd's going to slam him.
Watch this.
I don't enjoy doing these fundraisers.
Did you hear that question?
I don't know if you heard that question.
I'm going to back it up a little bit for you so we get a running star so you can hear everything.
It's a great question.
The vote on the Supreme Court can overturn Citizens United and get this obscene, ridiculous amount of money out so I never have to do a fundraiser again.
And that's why I'm doing it.
So you don't enjoy doing these fundraisers.
That's his fourth question.
And the fifth one will be, what was in the buffet?
His was, hey, what did you say to those protesters?
This question is, you don't really enjoy it, do you?
What?
You don't really enjoy doing fundraisers, do you?
Objection, leading the witness.
No, he hates going to these $350,000 a plate.
First of all, you know, they're eating hot dogs and beans.
Nobody likes that.
It's got, and, you know, you're with other super wealthy sons of guns who just worship you.
I hate going to parties like that.
I hate it, where there's waiters and five-star food and champagne and other rich billionaires who think I'm the greatest.
I hate it.
Chuck, you know I hate it.
I don't think anybody does.
I don't even think politicians do.
You know, I'm sure you've covered them before.
It's not the most fun thing to do.
You know, I spend...
You're going to a nice dinner with a bunch of rich people.
Probably a quarter of my time now raising millions and millions of dollars to fund my foundation, which is basically chasing and looking for money that these corrupt politicians all around the world are hiding.
The Panama papers have been actually incredibly helpful.
We have forensic accountants.
Yeah, and Chuck doesn't go, well, you know, the candidate you're supporting was for the trade deal.
And then Bernie Sanders was again, you know, but doesn't bring it up, doesn't come up.
Doesn't bring up anything.
Does it bring up the reporting we just talked about, pushing back on that?
Doesn't bring up the reporting on, oh, yeah, but Panama, the Panama paper.
Well, a very big part of things that are important to me.
I really want Citizens United.
I think it's one of the worst laws passed since I've been around.
You know, Bernie Sanders, obviously, you noted that his campaign was criticizing this, and he was asked about your fundraiser specifically, and he tried to, he backed off, sure, and he said this.
So it's not a criticism of Clooney.
It is a criticism of a corrupt campaign finance system where big money and trust, and it's not Clooney, it's the people who are coming to this event have undue influence over the political process.
Do you think people that are coming to your event tonight and went last night, that they think they're going to get extra access to Hillary Clinton to a President Clinton?
Do they think they're going to get extra access?
She was there.
That's what the $300,000 was for.
She is there, right?
She was that the thing.
That's why they threw the money at her SGV.
She's there.
Of course, they're going to meet her, right?
That's the access we're talking about.
Are we not?
Are they talking about access later when they want a bill passed?
Of course they're going to get access.
They just gave her $350,000.
What does George say?
No, I actually don't think that's true.
I think there is a difference between the Koch brothers and us.
There is a difference.
Not much.
Cokes were for TPP.
So was Hillary.
Cokes, right?
Cokes are for fracking.
So is Hillary.
So yes, there is a difference between the Cokes.
Yes, there is.
Not big enough by far.
The difference is if I succeed, if we succeed in electing an entire Congress, which would be quite a success, but a Senate and a president, the tax policies that they would enact would probably cost us a lot more money.
Let me tell, let's talk about that.
So let's talk a little bit about tax cuts.
George Clooney just said that, hey, you know, we nominate Democrats.
They're not going to do for me.
So this is how he's saying, oh, no, they don't have influence.
These big money people don't have influence because they're going to turn around and raise our taxes.
So we're actually voting against our own interests in the interests of the country, which is what he's just saying there.
Well, let's just, so the Bush tax cuts, we know what the Bush tax cuts were.
They bankrupted the Treasury.
They were horrible.
They increased the debt.
They didn't spur an economy.
They didn't create job growth.
Tax cuts did not turn into jobs.
When George Bush left office, we were losing jobs, $100,000 at a clip.
Barack Obama then extended, extended those tax cuts for two years.
Then, because George Bush didn't have the political capital to make those tax cuts permanent.
So what they did was they sunsetted them, meaning that they would expire and then we'd have to reinstate them.
Barack Obama reinstated them in full for two more years.
And then when it came time to do them permanent, he made 82% of those tax cuts permanent.
So he did what a Republican couldn't do.
Barack Obama made those tax cuts permanent, Something a Republican couldn't do.
And let's remember that Barack Obama proposed cutting Social Security.
The Republicans turned it down, but that's also something that a Republican couldn't do.
Only a Democrat could do.
He's lucky that the Republicans said, no, that was the grand bargain.
So when George Clooney says this stuff, we're saying no, George.
The things that Democrats used to traditionally do and stand, they don't anymore.
Barack Obama proposed cutting Social Security.
It was his idea.
Grand bargain.
They do.
So when you say, oh, we got to elect Hillary, so none of this stuff, she can do things that no Republican can do.
She's because she splits the natural opposition to that stuff.
Just like Barack Obama splits the natural opposition to neoliberalism, which is really neoconservatism.
That's what happens.
So it's right there, just that one point alone about taxes.
Democrats can do stuff now.
So that's why the system is so sick that you have a Democrat making tax cuts permanent that a Republican couldn't.
That's how sick the system is.
So I love George Clooney.
I don't hold it against him that he's not as smart as me about politics and he's backing a bought politician.
And I look forward to seeing him at sushi.
So I just want you to know, George, if you see this whisper of a dream.
Did you notice that Chuck Todd and George Clooney have the same facial hair?
Oh my God, do they?
Do they have the same facial hair?
I found her in the same beard, mustache formation.
Success goatees.
Success goatees.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy Door, this is George Clooney.
How are you doing, you nasty rascal?
Wow, George Clooney called into our little show.
I'm always flattered.
Not so little anymore.
I hear you've been expanding.
Well, yeah, you're absolutely right, George.
Our YouTube channel has been blown up, and we just added a bunch of subscribers.
Okay, that's fantastic, Coachie.
talk about HRC.
I Oh, okay.
Yeah, Hillary Clinton.
Yeah, she won big in New York, I guess.
God bless the Empire State.
Yeah, as in committed to American imperialism.
Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, there, Bernie Bro.
I tell you what, if I hear the word neoliberalism again, I'm going to toss my cookies.
What?
All this Bernie Bro stuff is just not classy, not gentlemanly or refined.
These Bernie Bros.
They don't drink scotch, they don't sit on leather things like you and me.
What does that have to do with anything?
Look, I'm as Democratic as the next cat, but I like my Democratic Party elegance.
GQ, playfully oversexed.
What?
These Bernie bros aren't pulling down the trim they want to, so that's why they're so misogynist.
Who's misogynist?
Bernie's supporters.
What?
Have you heard the way they don't support Hillary Clinton and support the man who's running against her?
Yes, textbook misogyny.
What?
No, they're not supporting Bernie Sanders because he's not a woman.
Number one rule of being a true gentleman: never ever run for office against a lady.
It's just bad politics and bad manliness.
I'm starting to think that you get all your ideas about chivalry from liquor commercials on TV.
The man code.
And politics, for that matter.
It's in the gentleman handbook.
There's no social convention that says men aren't allowed to run for office against women.
Section 3.1, paragraph 4A.
You Hillary supporters are just using the idea of misogyny to create a smokescreen around Hillary's record and tactics.
Just follow the classiness, Jimmy, and the gentlemanliness.
Where will it take you?
HRC supporters.
Hillary fundraiser that I co-hosted.
Yeah, and how much was the average plate cost at that event?
$353,000.
Wow.
George, that is pretty steep.
Politics is a high-buy-in game, Jimmy.
A little rich for some people's blood, no doubt.
Maybe we'll see you there next year.
I'm not feeling bad because I can't afford that, George.
I'm saying it's garbage that that is how our democracy works.
Oh, come on, Jimmy.
A lot of that money's going to down-ticket Democratic candidates.
A rising tide raises all boats.
Or yachts, I'd like to.
Yeah, George, first of all, there's reports that at least half of that money has gone being funneled back to Hillary.
There was a story in Counterspin.
Anyway, and even if it does, the idea that more money is what's needed to get money, more money for politicians is what we need to get money out of politics doesn't seem right.
It seems like the opposite.
You know, Bernie is proving.
Don't you, George?
Listen to this.
Bernie is proving that all the people who think it takes corporate cash and big donor money to get money out of politics, he's wrong.
He's proving that you guys are suckers for sucking at the corporate teeth, that you don't need to do that.
That all you have to do is speak the truth and the people will support you.
He's a regular Peter Pumpkinhead over here.
Well, that's a nice idea.
But at the end of the day, wouldn't you rather, wouldn't you rather support the candidate who can get people to pay $353,000 to be around her?
Rub shoulders with her and just maybe just even look at her.
Don't you want to be around that kind of power?
It's sexy.
We got to get.
There's nothing sexier than a powerful woman.
And you know what that $353,000 also buys.
What does it also buy you?
You get to fuck somebody's wife.
Come on, what's some Democratic politics without a little hanky panky?
Come on.
Just to remind yourself, you're not a Republican.
Everybody gets experienced what it's like to be George Clooney for a night.
Come on.
All right.
Well, George, we're going to have to continue this conversation later.
That's pretty shocking news, but I would hope that you'd get on board with getting money out of politics instead of getting money into politics.
Well, the only way you can fight money in politics is with more money.
I mean, that's just obvious.
Okay.
Agree to disagree.
Thanks, George.
All right.
I'll be sneaking in your window later.
Lock up your wife.
Lock up your wife.
Hey, as you know, we're growing.
We're adding about a thousand people a day subscribers to the Jimmy Doer show.
And, you know, I don't want to overstate it, but the show has turned into something more than I ever thought it would be when it started out.
And i was just a comedian who was interested in politics and wanted to have a voice And it has really grown into something.
And my work with the Young Turks and this show.
And, you know, people are really connecting with what we're doing here.
And there's not too many places that are doing what we do in the way we do it.
And, you know, we like to think we're the antidote to corporate media and corporate spin.
And so people are catching on.
And so it's time for us to grow.
And we need you to be part of it.
So if you'd like to help us grow, go over to jimmydoorcomedy.com and click.
You'll see everything you need to know about how to do that.
And so, you know, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
And what you get out of it is the show.
It's to even go more often, more times a week, more content.
We get to reach more people.
And plus, we'll give you a don't freak out t-shirt.
We have those.
We have lots of great thank you gifts.
Mike McRae will leave an outgoing message on your voicemail in any celebrity voice you'd like.
We have our audio book.
We have t-shirts.
There's lots of ways that we say thank you.
So it's time we go to more days a week and we can't do it without you.
So let's do it together.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com to help us grow.
So we're having this discussion again.
I've told you about Howard Dean before in another video.
Howard Dean used to be the Bernie Sanders of the Democratic Party in 2003.
In fact, Howard Dean said this.
In 2003, Howard Dean, former governor of Vermont, where Bernie's from, he was the Bernie Sanders of 2003.
He said this in 2003.
If you want young people to vote in this country, if you want the 50% of adults over 30 to vote in this country that don't vote, that do not vote in today's election, then we had better stand for something because that's why they're not voting.
So if you want to inspire, look, Bernie stands for something, all of a sudden 30,000 people show up in Washington Square Park.
Get out of here.
All of a sudden, he stands for something.
People are coming out of the woodwork to vote for him.
Just like Howard Dean said 13 years ago.
Just like Howard Dean.
We were sick of this stuff 13 years ago.
We were sick of this stuff.
Here's Howard Dean yesterday on MSNB Corporate C. The big question.
We don't know what's going to happen tonight in New York.
But if Hillary wins by, as Casey said, a double-digit margin, it probably is time for Bernie to pull the party together.
The only beneficiary of this kind of a fight, which has gotten really personal and ugly, are the extreme right-wing of the Republican Party, which Bernie has said that he would do nothing to do to make nothing to make sure to do anything to help a right-winger win the presidency.
Well, now he's got to make good on that pledge for the sake of the country.
So, Governor, am I understanding you correctly?
Are you saying that Bernie Sanders should drop out if he loses big tonight?
I'm saying, no, I don't think he has to drop out.
I think he's going to want to make his speech at the convention and so forth and so on.
But I think he's got to tone down the rhetoric.
This is bitter.
His supporters are, many of them, not, I don't think, the majority, but there are a lot of them.
I'm getting all this stuff on Twitter and Facebook.
It's just not helpful to do this.
It polarizes people.
It weakens the left.
It weakens progressives.
It's not good for the country.
So I don't expect him to drop out.
And I think he has a right.
So I'm going to take a couple of things there.
Of course, Bernie's got us tone.
He's got to tone it down.
And by tone it down, what does he mean?
Tone it down.
Stop pointing out that she's a bought politician.
Stop pointing out that she's the poster child for what's wrong with politics today.
Would you please drop the tone?
I'm going to say it again.
Here we are in mid-April.
Hillary Clinton still has no message.
There's no message.
Right now, she says she's a progressive.
She's a progressive who can get things done.
Barack Obama can't even get a Republican nominated to the Supreme Court.
But somehow Hillary's going to get progressive stuff done.
And Bernie's the only one who can't do anything.
So here's, go ahead.
Yeah, but Bernie doesn't have any details about his message.
At least Hillary has a lot of details about how she doesn't have any message.
Yes, yes, all those.
And that's working out for her.
I love how he says that this is going to hurt progressives.
This is going to hurt progressives.
If Bernie keeps pointing out what's wrong with politics, this is going to hurt progressives.
You know what's going to hurt progressives, Howard?
When your party standard bearer voted for the Iraq war, when your party standard bearer pushed TPP at least 40 times public, NAFTA, do I need to go on?
The Patriot Act.
How about maybe the maybe voting for the Patriot Act would be something that would be hurting progressives.
You think maybe, I wrote down a bunch of stuff.
How about NAFTA?
How about gay marriage until 2013?
You know what else hurts progressives?
How about being to the right of Attila the Hun on Israel?
How about that?
Maybe that hurts progressives?
No?
Her being in bed with Benjamin Netanyahu?
No, no.
I don't know.
I find even the Chiron that they have, former Governor Howard Dean, Democrat of Vermont, Hillary Clinton supporter.
I find that rather misleading.
What's his current position?
What is he currently involved with?
Isn't he?
So he works for Denton.
And who is Denton?
One of the biggest law firms, lobbying law firms in the world, Denton.
So he works for them.
And then if you say, hey, you're a lobbyist, he says, that's a lie.
I'm not a lobbyist.
All I know is he used to be first universal single-payer health care.
And then he started taking money from insurance corporations.
And he's no longer for that.
And I think it's interesting.
What's the big deal if the Democratic Party is arguing with each other?
Because we're trying to make progress.
You can't make progress with consensus.
You have to have disagreements.
There's going to be conflict.
And oh, no, conflict on Facebook and social media.
Oh, my.
And isn't it funny that you never hear people, you never hear Bernie Sanders people saying, hey, Hillary's got to tone it down because he won't be able to beat Trump if you don't stop hurting him.
He'll crush Trump.
You can say whatever you want, Hillary, about Bernie Sanders.
He's going to crush Ted Cruz.
He's going to crush Trump.
You know who has a problem beating those people?
You.
You know why?
Because you are bought and people are sick and tired of it.
Donald Trump can turn to you at a debate and say, I bought you once.
You did what I wanted.
And she could say, I didn't, but we all saw her at her wedding.
We all saw it.
We all know this is true.
So he can't do that to Bernie.
All the cards he can play with Hillary Clinton.
He can't get no card against Bernie Sanders.
And so this guy says, tone it down.
Please tone it down so we can elect another neoliberal.
Stop shining the light on her record.
Stop.
But he says tone it down, meaning stop shining the light on her record.
Please quit bringing up her record.
Fracking Nancy Reagan, Henry Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger, Nancy Reagan.
Frank, this is perfect.
It's still doing this.
What's that?
Proud Goldwater girl.
Still doing it today.
Bill Clinton wagging his finger at Black Lives Matter, her dismissing Black Lives Matter left and right.
Well, at least she had nothing to do with the Panama Papers, right?
Her pushing the Panama trade deal, Bernie Sanders screaming against it.
And Howard Dean, Howard Dean, who said, if you got to give, if you don't give people something to vote for, they won't.
Well, you're not giving people anything to vote for, Howard.
Here we are implementing what you said in 2003, and you're telling us to tone it down.
Shut up already, would you?
Hey, you guys, grow up and sell out.
And please quit giving me grief on Twitter when I sound like a Republican, okay?
I hate it when the progressives come at me because I'm being all Republican-y, working for Denton and advocating against progressive positions.
I don't get why they're so angry at me.
Because you're a sellout, Howard.
Howard.
And now, the future obituary of Ted Cruz, Canadian sausage, pitch man for snot.
Ted Cruz, the passionate and effective fighter for ineffective government, medieval economic theory, and the Constitution as defined by Nazis, is dead after 45 years of poorly imitating human life.
His daughter reportedly found the Republican presidential candidate in their home, drowning in a bathtub filled with his own cooties.
It's a creepy guy.
Parramatta's tried frantically to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but the oxygen refused to go in on account of it being, quote, too creeped out.
Cruz's mom is of Irish descent and his father is Cuban.
So every St. Patrick's Day, he gets drunk and trims his wife's bush.
In 1974, when Ted was just five years old, his father abandoned the family and moved to Texas.
Yes, it was that bad.
Cruz often told the story of how his father escaped Cuba with only $100 in his underwear.
As senator, he took inspiration from that story to shut down the government and nearly flush the economy down the toilet.
Not the big laugh I was hoping for.
In 1995, Ted Cruz graduated from Harvard Law School, answering the age-old question: what could make people hate lawyers even more?
As senator from Texas, Cruz's greatest achievement was uniting both sides of the aisle in their universal disrespect for Canada.
The deceased requested that the stick up his ass be used to plant his body outside Planned Parenthood in order to act as a deterrent to sex.
Morning remembrance, fake obituaries of real dead people, available at JimEarl.com.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Music.
So we're talking about Hillary Clinton today.
And, you know, the thing that the rub against Hillary is that she was, she's too conservative.
She's too much like a Republican.
And she's not like she says one thing and says the other, and then says the other.
And she's on all sides of all issues.
Well, here's a video of her from the 90s.
And let's see if she's singing the same tune today.
Let's just listen to a little bit of it about campaign finance and the influence of big money on politicians.
Let's listen to what she was saying back then.
They're our powerful special interests who profit from the status quo.
And I say to them, I welcome your love.
As opposed to FDR, who said to the bankers, I welcome their hate.
Hillary welcomes their love.
And high-priced lobbyists who get paid to keep everything the same.
They're already lining up to block the change the president will propose.
But with your help, we can break the gridlock.
And that's why I'm voting for Bernie Sanders.
Did you say what this is from?
So this is just from the 90s.
I don't know where she is when she's saying this, but this is, you hear her saying they're already big money.
They're already lining up.
They're already lining up to fight the president, meaning her husband.
They benefit from how things are.
They benefit from how things are and they want to keep things this way they are.
And those people I hired to run my campaign.
John Podesta, one of the biggest lobbyists Washington, D.C. has ever seen, running my campaign.
John Podesta, one of the biggest lobbyists in the CC, running her campaign.
Those are the people she, remember, she used to want to fight against them.
Can't fight them.
Join them.
Here we go.
They're our powerful special interests who profit from the status quo and high-priced lobbyists who get paid to keep everything the same.
They're already lining up to block the change the president will propose.
But with your help, we can break the gridlock.
Yeah.
So, you know, Hillary, she's like a medical patient who, when the doctor described a disease, decided to get sick.
So there she is telling you what's wrong with politics.
She somehow knew then what was wrong with politics.
But apparently, now it's like, yeah, but guess what?
That doesn't apply when it's me.
When all those special interests line up for my opponents, then they're influencing them.
But when I'm lined up with all those same special interests, it doesn't affect me.
I'm super.
I'm superhuman.
So, you know, it was the 90s, but it's I mean, it's that just proof that she's conservative because this is a video clip from the 90s and her hair still mooses like it's the 80s.
Is that sexist?
I'm blocking you.
I've already made fun of Bernie's hair.
We already have a video.
We did a whole video making fun of Bernie's hair.
Sexist.
Is that okay?
Is it okay?
Ageist.
Anti-Sinlite.
Is that my ageist there?
Your age is ampi-Semitic.
It's 90sist.
I'm a 90-ist.
You hate hair.
It was a terrible time for everybody's hair.
I can tell by your hair that you hate hair.
I like how she says that I fought them and I have the scars to show for it.
Yeah, you have the scars to show for it.
You also have the cars to show for it, the houses to show for it, the swimming pools, the speaking fees.
You have a lot to show for fighting them.
So there's Hillary Clinton saying one, she used to be against money in politics.
She used to be fighting those people.
That's all over.
And she actually said status quo in there.
Did she?
Yeah, you want to hear it again?
I'll put it in.
They're our powerful interest.
Special interest.
Profit from the status quo.
And high-priced lobbyists who get paid to keep everything the same.
Yeah, and those are the people running my campaign.
That's who's running her campaign now.
Those people, she was decrying when her husband was president early on.
And then they decided, screw it.
Triangulation, get in bed with corporate America, Wall Street, the military-industrial complex, the fossil fuel industry.
Fracking's great.
Let's export it.
Well, the end of her sentences, and that's why I'm working so hard to become one of them.
Because that's what she is.
She is the people the corporations are paying to keep things the way they are.
Yes.
She's more of an establishment candidate than Donald Trump.
Think about that.
The establishment wants Hillary Clinton more than they want Donald Trump.
They want her more than they want the Republican.
The Republican.
Hey, so we've talked about this before, the BS criticism of Bernie Sanders, that Bernie Sanders is some kind of a rose-colored glasses guy who doesn't understand how politics works.
Even though all the senators like him, and he's called the amendment king, he's gotten more substantive legislation passed, certainly, than Hillary Clinton.
Hillary Clinton, let's remember, authored three bills.
Two of them were named post offices, and one of them was a name of street after Tim Russert.
So that's a BS critic.
They all say, Bernie's not going to be able to get anything done.
Right now, we have Barack Obama, the most popular politician in the country, besides Bernie.
He can't even get a Republican nominated to the Supreme Court.
But somehow Hillary is going to have magic powers, and she's going to be able to get progressive legislation implemented.
That's what's called bullshit.
That's not going to happen.
They hate Hillary Clinton more than they hate Bernie Sanders.
And they don't hate Bernie Sanders.
So here's Chris Matthews making the same BS point and making it very dismissive.
He's now realized that, hey, Bernie Sanders represents what I'm supposed to be for.
You'll see what I'm saying.
Megan, I've been thinking about this.
It drives them crazy.
The thought, you know, Bernie Sanders last night regarding.
It drives them crazy, meaning Bernie's supporters.
Ready?
Here we go.
Faced and angry, and he's flailing in, vote for me and give me the microphone back.
He just called Bernie Sanders.
He's red-faced and angry like last night.
What are you talking about?
Flailing and flailing.
What are you talking about?
A wild-eyed maniac.
Suppose he's in the White House doing that.
What?
Well, yeah.
It's a really good practical question.
Oh, my God.
That's a great question.
What if Lernie said, because, you know, he's like a wildcard.
We don't know what that is.
What?
What about when Hillary was wagging her finger at that person from Greenpeace, at the environmentalist?
That nothing?
Bill Clinton wagging his finger?
Nothing at the Black Lives Matter.
Bernie Sanders, somehow he's red-faced.
What if he's in the White House and does that?
I don't know.
What if he's in the White House and then he has sex with an intern in the White House?
Because he's just gotten elected.
He's just inaugurated.
He's been inaugurated.
And he realized that Mitch McConnell's still there.
He's still there.
And then Paul Barack.
And they say, you got 60 votes.
If not, shut up.
And we're going to do it in a restaurant tonight to talk about how we're going to destroy your White House because that's what we did before and it worked.
So he just said two different things.
He just said, well, Bernie Sanders is going to be upset when he gets in the White House because he's going to go, oh my God, there's still Republican.
I had no idea.
See, Bernie Sanders doesn't know how things work.
But apparently, right now we have Barack Obama.
But when Hillary gets in, she's going to know there's Republicans and she'll know she can't get anything done.
What?
Or she'll be able to get stuff done because they like Hillary Clinton.
They hate Hillary Clinton.
They want to put her in prison.
What do you, so what is he?
What is he even?
Again, this is the criticism that makes no sense.
Bernie Sanders is in the goddamn Senate.
He knows how the thing works.
He's called the amendment king.
What are you talking about, Chris Matthews?
He knows more about it than you.
He's actually doing it.
He's actually winning elections.
He's actually drawing 30,000 people to come on their two feet to see him speak.
You can't even, how many people do you get to turn on their TV to watch you in your dead media?
This is unbelievable.
This is the thing I can't stand.
Somehow Bernie Sanders, because there's Republicans, we shouldn't vote for Bernie Sanders, but there's still Republicans and we should still vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton.
I don't understand how that makes any sense.
How does that, because that makes sense to anybody?
And Republicans are motivated by symbology, symbolic votes, like the how many votes to repeal to defund Obamacare, 50, 60, 70.
So if any of them were ever caught cooperating with Hillary, with President Hillary Clinton, they would never get elected in their home district.
They would never pass their, you know what I mean?
Like for the same similar reasons why that looks bad.
Because Bernie's an independent, because Bernie's been an independent for so long, he's able to step over that aisle and he's able to bring in Republicans who have some reasonableness or can be compromised with or negotiated.
But he's a befuddled old man.
Oh, yeah, I am.
So what you got is that the exact opposite is actually true.
That there's a much more likelihood that the Republicans would actually work with Bernie because they haven't spent 30 years demonizing him.
And so if they work with him, they won't look like they're sellouts.
But if they work with Hillary Clinton, that's the person they've said they want to put in jail for 30 years.
Chris Christie has to apologize because he was photographed with Obama during emergency hurricane relief efforts.
Chris Christie killed his campaign because he hugged the president for giving them relief.
Right.
But somehow Hillary's going to get, and they hate Hillary more than him.
They hate, they've been had a lot longer to hate Hillary.
They've impeached her husband, but somehow she's going to be the person.
She's going to work.
She knows just how everything works.
They Impeached her husband.
That's how much they like working with the Clintons.
And you know what kind of stuff they got done?
They got all the Republican stuff done.
They deregulated Wall Street.
They got rid of welfare.
They built more prisons.
We had more.
This is the kind of stuff they get done.
That's the kind of stuff that says the progressive will get stuff done.
You can't give Barack Obama.
Can't even get a Republican to the hearing for the Supreme Court right now.
But somehow Hillary's going to, so this is that.
And then they speak very condescendingly and dismissively.
Like, Bray doesn't get out.
These things work.
He's not part of the establishment.
He's wide eye.
No, he's sick and tired of how things work.
That's how I. He's sick and tired of money controlling how things work.
And that would upset your little apple cart, wouldn't it?
If they got money out of politics, that would hurt TV news.
If they got money out of politics, that would hurt your revenue, wouldn't it?
And you wouldn't be able to make $100,000 a week, would you, Chris?
That's what he makes.
He gets paid more than that, I'm sure.
Well, I think they'll work with her in one area very specifically.
We're going to see a lot more Tim Russert Boulevards.
Yeah, we'll see a lot more of that.
You can park on both sides of the street because both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
On the Tim Russert Boulevard.
There's more to this.
Here is Chris.
So he then throws it to someone else who's going to say something just as stupid.
Beltway and outside the beltway question.
He's campaigning.
Oh, this is Michael Tomasi, by the way, also on the payroll for the Hillary Clinton campaign.
Am I right, Jim?
I don't know anything about this guy.
I'm sorry.
Look up Michael Tomasi.
Looking him up.
Pretending as if Republicans don't exist.
As if Mitch McConnell doesn't exist.
He's pretending like Republicans don't exist.
He did that in Vermont.
You mean the state he won 80%?
Is this similar to that political fact criticism that he's not factoring in the maniacs that will oppose him into his policies?
Yeah.
They think he has no idea there are Republicans who are going to oppose him.
I don't understand what this is.
This is just crazy.
This is they have to find a way to dismiss Bernie Sanders.
And this is it.
Pretend like he doesn't know how, like, pretend like he's been a mailman for 40 years instead of in government.
They can't mansplain down to Hillary, so they're treating him like a woman.
Yes.
You mean it's like they're mansplaining how complicated it is.
You can't figure it out.
To Bernie.
Bernie just says, right.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Right.
You know, they can't do that to Hillary.
They support Hillary.
Right.
And if they did it to Hillary, it would totally be called sexism.
Yeah.
Totally.
If she doesn't know, she doesn't know how things work.
Bernie doesn't know how things work.
He's just dumb.
Yeah, he can do that in Vermont and he can do that to his audiences.
But it creates a paradox for Clinton because if Clinton tries to point out, but you're going to have to work with Republicans, his people say, sell out, sell out, sell out.
That's not what they say.
That's not what they say.
If they say, oh, you're going to have to work.
That's not what they say.
Because I'm one of them.
That's not what they say.
It's not what they say.
We don't say, we don't call people a sellout if they work with Republicans.
You know what we call them a sellout for?
If they work with Republicans to forward conservative legislation.
Then we call them a sellout.
Like when they deregulate Wall Street.
And then when Barack Obama wins the presidency, he puts in his cabinet the same goddamn people who drove us into the ditch.
Larry Summers, Rubin.
That's what we're talking about.
That's when we call them sellout.
They have to misrepresent everything to find something negative about Bernie Sanders.
They have to misrepresent everything.
Somehow he doesn't know how politics works, even though he's called the amendment king and he's gotten more substantive legislation passed than Hillary for sure.
But he doesn't understand how it works.
He doesn't get it.
He's somehow he's driving a pretzel truck somewhere.
Billy said doesn't get it.
Hello.
Jimmy, it's me, Liam.
Liam Neeson, what an honor.
What's up, buddy?
Jimmy, listen very, very carefully because I don't have much time.
I've been captured.
Captured and branded.
Oh, no, you've been captured and branded?
Yes.
Captured by your content and branded by your wit.
Kudos for your ability to broadcast fact-based journalism to a diverse and multi-ethnic audience.
That's a very nice thing of you to say.
Thanks.
But here comes the rub, Jimmy.
Take note of this.
I will come for you.
I will find you.
And we both know what will happen.
What will happen?
Oh, my God.
How does this turn out?
Well, if you'd like to find out, you have to get the premium.
You get the bonus content and you'll hear all about it.
And so how do you get that?
You go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You click on join premium.
It's only $5 a month.
That's less than a nickel a week.
So every, so and if you pay for the whole year once, we'll give you a month free.
So go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
It's a great way to help support the show.
And you get to hear all the great bonus content plus that Liam Neeson phone call.
And by the way, thanks to everybody who's gotten their Don't Freak Out t-shirt and everybody who's gotten their audio book.
And they got that by supporting the show through our Indiegogo campaign, which you can do over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hey, guess what?
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zamarano, and Jim Earle.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only of the inimitable Mike McRae who can be found at mikemcray.com.
▲
Export Selection