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Jan. 16, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Today's show is brought to you by Harry's.
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore show.
I don't know if you saw the State of the Union or if you watched Paul Ryan sitting over the president's shoulder, but he had a faraway look in the eye of old men pretending they're not urinating in a public pool.
You know, nothing shows your patriotism more than when you don't applaud your president saying your country is great.
If you want to learn how to keep your face as blank as Paul Ryan, check out his instructional video for subway passengers.
While Obama was trotting out his tired plea for ending partisanship, Paul Ryan was proving he was wasting his time.
There were brief mentions.
There were brief mentions of the problem of money in politics and the need to curb Wall Street's recklessness.
I like that guy's speech.
I wish that guy was president.
Yeah, you shouldn't demonize Muslims, he said.
Take it from a guy who drone assassinates Muslims.
The guy who was bombing Muslims without congressional approval is telling everybody to stop insulting them.
During his State of the Union, Obama lubed up with a little Bernie rhetoric before banging the TPP up, everybody.
Looking around at his congressional audience, Obama's primary virtue is he's not as dangerously crazy as his opponents.
He leaves the presidency with a legacy of a bold conservative and a weak liberal.
Music.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for up-minded, lowly-lovered lapdies.
The kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
In charge of talking to T. Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined right next to me.
You know him from Turner Classic Movies.
It's Ben Makowitz.
Hi, Ben.
How are you?
Jimmy, good to be here.
It's been a while.
It has been forever since you've been in the studio with me.
I had to move the studio to Ben's house.
I'm telling you, people were clamoring.
The fan.
I was still late, by the way.
It's all right.
We're not.
The traffic getting from the bedroom to the living room.
Bang.
No, I'm telling you, the fan was clamoring for you to come back on the show.
Anyway, I used that as a funny use of the singular.
Also with us from Team Yasamura, it's Robert Yasimura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
The better for your asking, Jimmy.
Good to hear your voice.
Also from the Miserable Liberal blog at Steph Samarano.
Hey, Steph.
Hola, Jimmy.
Hey, running the tech.
It's Hank Thompson.
Hi, Hank.
Hi, everything's plugged in, I think.
Okay, here we go.
Let's get to some jokes before we get to the jokes.
You heard Trump made a mistake, thought Paris was in Germany.
Did you hear about that?
You know, I can't ridicule Trump for thinking Paris is in Germany.
I always mistake any town where he makes a speech for Nuremberg.
Oh, good job.
You know, white supremacists are talking about Trump so much, they qualify for MSNBC press credentials.
MSNBC talking a little too much about Trump.
You know, Donald Trump is now as essential to MSNBC as beaver shots are to Hustler magazine.
Beaver shots.
They're still running pictures of naked women hustling?
Yes, I think so.
Playboy got out of that business.
They did, they stopped showing the naked picture.
Strange business for Playboy to get out.
I would have gotten out of some other businesses, maybe, first.
Yeah.
I would have left the naked women men.
In fact, I would take the articles out.
Yeah.
What do they think they're selling?
But look, if anybody understands business in this country, it's the men and women who run magazines.
Talk about finger on the pulse, right?
That's right.
That's right.
Magazines.
I'm going to start a new magazine.
You can get it right.
You have to get out of your house, go down to the newsstand, you're picking your thumb through it.
No, that sounds like a part of everybody's day.
Yeah, you take the money out of your pocket you no longer carry, and then you hand it to the guy wearing ching-ching-ching-ching-ching-ching.
What's happening?
That is a nice feeling.
You know, not to be boastful, not to be a boastful Northeastern elitist, Ben.
But Donald Trump and Paul LePage both prove that our region produces some of the douchiest racists in the United States.
And when I say our region, I'm from Chicago, but the guy who wrote this joke living in New York City.
Yeah, I mean, and people think you're from New York.
And people think I'm from New York all the time.
They do.
Brooklyn, they do.
Because you seem like a Jew.
I seem like a secret Jew with an edge.
I'm fun-loving.
You know me.
You saw me on New Year's Eve.
I'm fun-loving.
Fun-loving.
Fun-loving.
Good times.
Yeah, I know.
You were great.
You were singing the karaoke.
You were, yeah, when you're belting out the karaoke, you didn't seem even a bit Jewish.
Thank you very much.
That's what I try to do.
When you're playing the klezmer, though.
A little bit.
Little bit.
I was playing what?
The klezmer.
That's a good joke.
I don't know what it is.
Why don't you just move on?
I'm going to move on.
Hey, you know, it's a reflection of the toxic, fractious, partisan world we live in that Batman and Superman aren't even getting along.
Did you know that?
I saw the trailer for the new movie.
Yeah, that's what that joke we're referencing.
Yeah, well, bud.
There you go.
I got it.
I mean, you know a little something about the movies.
I do.
I do.
Okay.
You know, I was a bit taken aback by Sean Penn, the John Penn El Chapo interview, especially when I found out it was a red carpet interview.
Shocking.
Red carpet.
He was at the Druggies, the Drug Awards.
He was at the Druggies.
Yeah, the Drug Awards.
Those are big now.
Those are big now.
They're part of the season now.
You can't get the Druggies in the back to shut up, though, during the ceremony.
That's the weird thing.
They keep chatting in the back, the Druggies trying to score.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's the Golden Globe.
That's the Golden Narcos.
That's the Golden Narcos.
Oh, so many funny people on the show today.
You know, when Sean Penn met with Hel Chapo in the jungle, I thought it was hilarious when he ordered pizza.
Am I right?
That was funny.
Hey, did you see that guy?
That crazy guy that's a week old now.
He shot that cop right up, went up to his car and shot that cop.
And Philly, yeah.
Yeah.
And I don't know what to think of this terrorist guy until I see MSNBC go through his apartment.
Then we'll know.
I don't know why I keep looking at you when I'm delivering the jokes.
I should look at the camera.
Probably.
But I'm on.
Okay.
Hey, Ted Cruz might not be an American citizen Eligible to run for president.
And, you know, of all the reasons not to vote for Ted Cruz, the fact that he was born in Canada is way, way, way, way down on my list.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to talk about the president's state of the union.
And no, we're not going to talk about that.
What are we going to talk about?
When the president had his town hall about guns, Anderson Cooper needed a little unwinding.
That's right.
What are the questions Anderson asks?
They just may surprise you, or will they?
What else is coming up?
I had a little Twitter running with Roseanne Barr.
We're going to show you the tweets.
We're going to talk about what's going on.
Hey, we're also going to talk about ISIS and the undercover cops weeding out ISIS here in America.
Who are they catching?
The answer just may surprise you.
Or will it?
Plus, we got phone calls today from Liam Neeson.
We also have phone calls today from Jeb Bush and maybe even Ted Cruz.
I'm not sure.
We'll see if he calls in.
And we're going to talk about the false equivalency of all false equivalency.
Steve Schmidt is everybody's favorite right-winger on MSNBC, and he reveals his inner lack of character.
And that's coming up, plus a lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dorset.
Jimmy Dorset So President Barack Obama had some pretty weak need executive orders to try to get some background checks on guns, stuff that really won't make a difference, but he's trying to do something, right?
So they had a town hall, and they invited all the big thinkers in America, SE Cup.
I'll stop there.
And so they're asking them, the NRA did not even show up to the town hall with Barack Obama.
And afterwards, after the town hall, Jake Tepper hosted, I don't know, they had about 80 people on panel, and they were asking them about it.
They went to SE Cup.
And we're here, let's get some insights into who's the real problem in the push to regulate guns sensibly.
You know, the front-runner Democrat running for president has identified the NRA as the enemy she is most proud of accruing.
Democrats like President Obama routinely lambase the NRA, and by extension, its members who are law-abiding gun owners as the problem.
Standing in the West.
First of all, that doesn't happen.
President Barack Obama doesn't lambase the NRA members.
He says even NRA members want reasonable gun control.
Okay, Molly.
Just before you go on, I'm going to find it hard to object to anyone who has glasses that contemporary and who uses the word accrue and lamb-based within seconds of you.
Wow.
Yeah.
You are observant.
Yeah.
So I stand with SE Cup, whatever comes out of her mouth.
Okay.
Of meaningful gun reform, unconcerned about gun violence.
I think it's ludicrous to suggest that they would show up and be lectured to by the president who believes that we are the problem.
And let me just address something that Michael said, my colleague.
I love Michael.
She's trying to make it out like the NRA is the problem in our effort to try to regulate guns sensibly.
That's the exact kind of argument that I would expect from an atheist who believes in God.
SE Cup.
I like the rhetorical tool of talking for 40 seconds, finishing your point, and then saying, and let me just address something like people have been cutting you off for the last couple of minutes.
Yes, exactly.
If I could just get a word in here.
You've been rambling.
She moves on here.
She says more.
You know, that's her shouting down the reasonable voices in her head.
So here she has more to say.
All right.
But to say that the NRA has drawn a line in the sand on everything is just not true.
The NRA is backing the Cornyn bill.
We only have background checks because the NRA fought for them as opposed to a five-day waiting period.
The NIC system exists because the NRA helped get it passed.
If the president were really interested in passing meaningful gun legislation, he would work with the NRA.
That's what I put on the bottom.
Yeah, if the president was serious, Ben, he would work with the NRA instead of what he's doing now, not working with the NRA who won't even show up to a goddamn fucking meeting.
Yeah.
If not for the Ku Klux Klan, we wouldn't have the Civil Rights Act.
Not for the John Birch Society who wouldn't have the voting rights.
And yet again and again, liberals blame them and act like that.
Come on.
So I love how she says the NRA is not the problem.
They're not the problem.
If you're a homicidal maniac and you want to get a gun, they're not a problem then.
Hey, if you're mentally disturbed and violent and want to get a gun, they're not the problem.
Hey, you know, no matter what, they're not the problem, Ben.
That's what I'm saying.
So.
And by the way, we know that they are because right after Sandy Hook, there was a move to get universal background checks passed, and the NRA was on the cusp of supporting it.
And then they pulled their support at the last possible second and told basically every Republican in Congress, if you support this bill, we will have you primarily down.
Yeah, that's what the NRA says.
Everything she just said is a huge lie that is demonstrably false.
But CNN pays her handsomely to say it.
That's the beauty.
God damn it.
Like, I worry about saying stuff that's dumb, that, you know, because I often say stuff that's dumb and wrong, but I'm always worried at least.
And especially if I was going on CNN, she doesn't obviously that doesn't ever bother her.
Nothing.
She can say the most incoherent, contradictory, upside down, black is white, in is out.
And it doesn't, and with a straight face.
And by the way, no one really pushed back on her after she said this.
It's almost hard to believe that they even felt it's impossible to believe that nobody pushed back, in a sense, because it doesn't even require very much pushing back because on its face, it's insane.
I mean, there are people who are stridently against any gun regulations who at least know that the reason that they're winning is because of the NRA.
Like, they're like, no, that's not true.
Now, the NRA's on our side.
What do you, I mean, it really makes no sense, but nobody, nobody even says, oh, SE, that's just nuts.
Is that what they call her?
SE.
I think they call her SE.
SE?
SE.
Yeah.
So, well, here's all you need to know about the NRA, Ben.
In 2015, 2015, a year that saw over 357 mass shootings.
That's less than one a day.
Less than one a day.
The NRA spent $6.7 million lobbying.
The NRA spent over a million dollars in declared campaign contributions and $28 million into super PACs and political action groups.
Because of the lobbying from the NRA, there is a ban.
Listen to this.
There is a ban.
I'm going to sound like Bill Cosby.
No, listen carefully.
Because of the lobbying of the NRA, there is a ban on publicly funded scientists and researchers studying the cause of violence.
They are banned from studying the cause of gun violence because of the lobbying of the NRA.
And SE Cup says it's a they're fighting for they're fighting for gun safety and they're fighting for common sense.
They want the regulation.
Yeah, they want a Goddamn president who's not serious about it.
Yeah, it's hard to figure.
But it's wrong to blame the NRA.
The NRA, they want to, they're advocating for gun manufacturers more even than gun owners.
That's their clientele.
That's who funds them.
Yes.
So the problem here is it always is, the problem is gutlessness on the part of an overwhelming majority of Republicans and some Democrats, Joe Manchin, among others, who won't stand up to it.
I mean, yeah, you just read they spend a lot of money.
A lot of people spend a lot of money, right?
And that threat that Robert brought up of primarying them out, well, okay, let's see what happens.
Let's see what happens.
20 first graders got their jaws shut off, right?
I tell you what, I'm going to fight for a background check.
And you want to primary me on that?
Go ahead.
Have at it.
Because I stand for every other conservative principle you can bring up.
But I want to make sure kids are safe at school.
So go ahead, primary me on that.
But none of them were, they were too gutless to stand up to the NRA in any capacity.
And let me say that the numbers that you just quoted in terms of money are deceptive because they actually are not, they're not that impressive in terms of the amount of money spent.
The thing that the NRA is bringing to the table is the most consistent voter base of all time.
I mean, by any stretch of the imagination, these people show up to vote and to vote for guns whenever possible.
So the primary threat is very, very real.
I don't know.
I get it.
It's real.
We haven't seen it a lot.
I mean, it would, again, it takes sort of political backbone.
90% of the country wants it.
So I find it hard to believe that they could exercise that kind of power.
I get it happened in Colorado, Ben.
It did happen in Colorado recently, right?
So where they went, they won the election and they turned, they passed some gun legislation.
They immediately, I think they even recalled one of them.
Sure.
So they went crazy.
But that's Colorado.
It's a little different.
But the point is that.
That's right, though.
Because Australia had the same problem.
And you know what the Australian representatives did?
They voted for the assault weapons ban.
A lot of them got run out of office and they went, I don't care.
Yeah, I mean, this is my job.
Yeah, you have to not care at some point, right?
There's a great story.
It takes, well, let's tell it as quickly as possible.
But when the Voting Rights Act's trying to get passed, and Lyndon Johnson calls, I can't call.
I've told the story on some Turk shows before, but he calls this representative from Louisiana and the guy wakes the guy up.
Johnson was always up late at night.
Call comes in.
All those Johnson calls are recorded.
So it comes in at like, you know, my memory has it, it's like two in the morning.
The guy wakes up and it's coming up before Election Day.
And he says, you know, Billy, one of my greatest regrets in life in 1957 or whenever it was in the Senate that I voted against the Civil Rights Act.
This is not the Voting Rights Act.
I think it's the Civil Rights Act.
Voting against the Civil Rights Act.
It was a grave mistake that we made.
And I want to, and I think we need to correct it.
And the guy says, look, if I hear you, I agree.
If I vote for the Civil Rights Act, I'm going to lose.
Yeah.
And he's like, well, I hear you.
I hear you.
So he says, so try and get it passed without me because I'd like to be able to vote against it.
Continue, even though I'm with you.
So then the call comes later at like two in the morning and he wakes him up and he's like, yeah, listen, Billy, I don't know how to tell you this, but your president needs you.
And the guy says, you know, and he said that, and I thought, all right, he needs me.
And I voted against it, and I voted for it, and I lost.
But I was on the right side of history, and I'm glad I did it.
Yeah.
Yeah, you can do it.
Some things are worth losing for.
21st graders, again, not to be flippant about it, but their jaws were shot off.
Like, that's okay.
You could lose your, it's okay to lose your job to take that stand.
I agree with you.
So, well, the thing about what SC Cup said there is she says that because of lobby, she's saying that the NRA is interested in gun regulation.
She said, quote, if the president was really interested in passing gun legislation, he would work with the NRA.
Let me just tell you, I mentioned it earlier.
The NRA membership wants gun regulations, which means the NRA doesn't even listen to the NRA.
Okay?
The NRA doesn't even listen to their own people.
So SC Cup's trying to make it out like we're not listening to the NRA.
The NRA doesn't even listen to their own goddamn members.
And she's also being disingenuous because she knows a lot of the things that she's talking about.
The regulations she's talking about that the NRA has proposed over the years.
They proposed knowing that they wouldn't happen.
They proposed in lieu of other things.
That's right.
So they would say, like, well, we want universal instantaneous background checks, knowing that the technology didn't exist.
It doesn't exist for that, right?
Okay.
But they were saying it in lieu of, they just wanted to get the waiting period out of there.
Yes.
So the things that she's quoting are themselves lies.
Well, so here's the thing.
The sad truth about this is that Obama's recent proposal on guns is actually a capitulation to the NRA because the NRA insists that we do not need any new gun laws and the problem is mental health and not the sale of guns.
That's what the NRA says.
And guess what?
The President Obama kind of agrees because his gun proposal merely enforces the laws already on the books and enlarges the FBI CIA intelligence sector.
What Obama introduced that's new is the private mental health records are to be made available to background checks.
Okay.
So guess what we got?
You give up your Fourth Amendment rights to privacy so a bunch of gun hobbyists can keep their Second Amendment rights.
That's what just happened.
That's what just happened, right?
So now we have to give up our Fourth Amendment rights of privacy.
So thankfully, we have SC Cup around to spread much needed hysterical confusion, hysterical confusion on this issue.
Because otherwise we might get a clear thought about it.
I don't think she accrued many friends as a result of us lambasting her.
I hope so.
I hope he heard her socially.
By the way, so there's a new law in California, thankfully, where now you can get a 21-day hold confiscation of guns if you suspect somebody is mentally ill.
And it used to be, I don't know if anybody remembers this, but it used to be that that was a general thing, that you could just go to your local sheriff or your local police officer and say, like, I need to take out a restraining order against this guy.
He's kind of nuts.
Can you also take away his guns?
And the sheriff would just do it.
It wasn't even a question because it used to be in this country that the laws went this way, that law enforcement may issue gun licenses, may issue gun permits.
And what the NRA has done over the last 15 years or so is change that may to must.
Right.
And so now we're just trying to correct things back to the halcy of 1989.
The Halcyon days.
Well, it gets worse.
This isn't over.
No, I thought it was over.
It's not over.
No.
This gets worse.
So earlier in the night, so President Obama does his executive order to try to regulate guns a little bit.
Anderson Cooper has a town hall.
They have a town hall.
They invite the NRA.
NRA does not show up.
Doesn't even want to show up.
Anderson Cooper then starts to push right-wing talking points.
So, okay, so let's just go.
Here we go.
This notion of a conspiracy out there, and it gets wrapped up in concerns about the federal government.
Now, there's a long history of that.
That's in our DNA.
So, what he's saying is that there's a bunch of conspiracy.
People think there's this conspiracy by the Barack Obama administration to take away people's guns.
We all know that.
In fact, they're not doing that.
He's been seven years president, and there's easier to get guns than ever.
Okay.
So, we know that's not happening.
That's just right.
That's like the people, oh, the federal government's going to invade Texas.
It's that kind of a thing, right?
That's what this is.
Kind of a thing.
It is that thing.
Yeah, it is.
That's that same thing.
So, here is Barack Obama trying to debunk this, and he gets a little pushback.
The United States was born suspicious of some distant authority.
But let me just jump in.
Is it fair to call it a conspiracy?
I mean, a lot of people really believe this deeply, that they just don't.
No, no, they just don't trust you.
I'm sorry, Cooper.
Yes, it is fair to call it a conspiracy.
What are you saying?
Yeah, you know, some people think, Anderson, that President Obama not coming after their guns for seven years is a clever ploy for him to come after their guns.
That's what a lot of people.
You want to get something?
I just like that he called him Cooper.
Yes.
He did call him Cooper.
Is it fair to call Scientology a cult?
Because well over 5,000 people believe it to be true.
Like, what the hell kind of logic is that?
There's more.
He's got more, Anderson.
Are you suggesting that the notion that we are creating a plot to take everybody's guns away so that we can impose martial law?
There certainly is.
Is that a conspiracy?
Yes, that is a conspiracy.
I would hope that you would agree with that.
Is that controversial?
Except on some websites.
Certainly on the contrary.
There are certainly a lot of people who just have a fundamental distrust that you do not want to go further and further and further down this road.
I mean, I'm only going to be here for another year.
I don't know.
When would I have started on this enterprise, right?
I come from the state of- That's good enough.
But I just want to say when he says, first of all, Anderson Cooper doesn't want to burst people's bubbles.
He wants to be fair to the people who deeply believe paranoid bullshit.
That's clear, right?
This is weird.
Now, Ben, you've said this a million times, that the hard part about talking with someone from the right wing is that it takes about 80% of the time you talk to them just to unwind the crazy.
Right.
Just to get to where we could start the conversation.
But then it's already time to go.
Right.
And so now.
It's like the end of your therapy session.
Yes.
Like, oh, my mom, it's not, it's 248.
Why do we talk about this at the beginning?
And so now President Obama has to now unwind the crazy from the journalists.
Anderson Cooper thinks there's a conspiracy about conspiracy theories, A. And then Barack Obama has to talk him down.
I mean, after Anderson Cooper has embraced the journalistic standards of Glenn Beck and Alex Jones, now the president has to unwind the crazy from the journalist who's supposed to debunk bullshit and inform his viewers.
But what he's doing now is that he's not only, he's not debunking bullshit, he's not only giving it a platform, he's arguing for it on his own show.
Instead of dismissing it out of hand and debunking it, he's giving it a platform and repeating it.
The exact opposite of what a journalist is supposed to do.
You know, I know what happened there because it used to happen with me and some little bell went off in Anderson Cooper's head that thought I'm supposed to challenge him on this now.
Yes.
And he challenged him with, you know, a lot of people don't believe you, but suggesting that there might be something to that rather than a fair question, which would have been, you know, a lot of people hear that and yet they don't believe you.
They think you're coming after the guns.
Obviously, you're not.
What are we missing that we can't reach those people?
Like, there's a lot of people.
Like, that's something.
That's a thing.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a question.
What are they not getting?
Right.
And what he would say is, oh, they're getting shitty news reporting from people like you, Anderson.
That's what they're getting.
Cooper.
That's what they're getting.
They're inside of a right-wing news bubble.
And then when they do come out of it, they come to you.
And then what do you do?
You repeat the stuff they've been hearing in the right-wing news bubble instead of debunking it.
You don't present it as this crazy conspiracy.
You present it as a thing because a lot of people deeply feel it.
You know what else?
A lot of people deeply felt that Ebola was going to take over the country.
It didn't happen.
A lot of people think that the deeply feel that Barack Obama is a Muslim born in Africa.
He's not.
All right.
There's a lot of people who think a lot of crazy shit deeply.
They think that the federal government is going to invade Texas.
They already own it.
Can I tell you, actually, when he said, I only have a year left, the talking point that immediately, and I mean immediately came out from the right, was that, well, you know, he's going to, he's going to stay in office.
I'm not kidding.
That immediately came out that they're like, well, you know what he's going to do?
He's going to pull a South American dictator move and just stay in office.
And because that's the way lunatics think.
They think in terms of proving their thesis over and over again.
And so they create more and more complex structures of thought to keep proving their thesis over and over again.
So what I don't understand is I know, because I watch CNN online, Jake Tapper told me that they've hooked up with factcheck.org.
So they actually know how to check facts now.
And I don't know what, did they not go to fact?
Cooper, go to factcheck.org and they will show you that this is conspiracy theory, that Barack Obama has, for the most part, expanded gun rights.
It did give Barack Obama a nice moment, though.
He gave him such a great moment.
It was like at one point, Obama is like turning to the audience going, get this guy.
Look at him.
Get a little out of this house.
He calls him Cooper.
That's great, right?
I'd love to see him call it, hey, Tapper.
It's like when my dad would forget my friend's first name and refer to them by their last name sometimes.
Cooper said, he was, well, you could tell he was upset.
Cooper.
Hey, you know what?
What the hell are you doing?
I actually would like to see that happen more often where he calls out the reporters.
Horrible question.
Yes.
I would like to see a sitcom in which these two guys are roommates and cannot get along.
And he goes, Cooper!
I say...
I say if Anderson Cooper doesn't want to fulfill his professional journalistic duty, there's plenty of other pampered, born-in-the-wealth, well-connected ex-CIA teleprompter readers willing to do his job.
Thank you.
Is Anderson Cooper CIA?
I don't know.
That's how the joke was written.
That's how the joke was written.
Hey, it's the new year.
How about a New Year's resolution?
You stop overpaying for a great shave and you stop standing in an aisle at the drugstore waiting for an employee to come over to open the case so you can sit there and pick out your blades and then go, I don't do that anymore.
What do we do?
We get it through the mail.
We get it through Harry's.com.
Why would you, by the way, it's cheaper, right?
Because you pay $32 for an eight pack of blades at the drugstore.
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Music.
*phone rings* *thud*
Hello.
Hey, Jimmy, it's Jeb Bush.
Hey, Governor Bush.
Oh, please call me Jeb.
Oh, okay, Jeb.
Listen, how.
No, no, no, no.
Jeb.
That is what I said.
I said Jeb.
No, I mean with an exclamation point, as in Jeb.
You know, I'd rather not.
Can I just call you Jeb?
Jimmy, look, this branding is incredibly important.
You know that.
Could you just sort of help me out here?
Listen, how about we compromise and I just call you Jeb Exclamation Point?
Okay, that'll do.
Yeah, that'll do just fine.
Okay, that's settled.
Now, how are you doing?
Oh, Jimmy, I'm doing superb.
Really?
Because I got to say, Jeb Exclamation Point, your numbers look pretty weak, buddy.
Well, that's really kind of a temporary setback, Jimmy.
How so?
Well, you know, first of all, for starters, Rand Paul was excluded from the, you know, next upcoming debate.
That's pretty fantastic news.
Why is that good for you?
Well, as it currently stands, he's more or less my direct competition for the GOP nomination, considering that he is also an incredibly low-polling candidate like myself.
The game right now is for us single-digit guys to try and knock out our competition instead of going after the big dogs like Trump and Cruz.
Because that strategy just backfires, believe me.
I tried taking Trump head-on, and man, he just punked me like a little bitch.
He is really, really good at insulting people.
I didn't have a comeback ready per se, so I just had to tuck my tail and back out of that.
Frankly, I can't believe Nikki Haley went after him in her State of the Union rebuttal.
I mean, that's going to get pretty rough for her, I'd imagine.
How so?
How is it going to get rough for her?
Well, I figure he's going to come to her with some choice Trump burns before too long.
Like, you know, it's convenient she already has a red dot on her forehead because one of my supporters is probably going to shoot her in the face with a rifle or, you know, or I bet that dumb bitch was on her period.
You know, you just can't come back from political jabs of that quality and magnitude.
Yeah, I guess that, Jeb, exclamation point.
But getting back to Rand Paul, you know, getting him out of the way is great news for me for sure.
You see, he appeals to the isolationist, more libertarian faction of the GOP.
His statements about the unconstitutionality and foolishness of these endless wars, if nothing else, he said, actually made sense in some regard.
So we can't really have that out there as a choice.
And it really needs to be marginalized and put aside.
You know, the GOP voters who are anti-war, they just kind of need to be told that, you know, you kind of need to get your head on straight.
This anti-drone strike, non-unilateral foreign policy talk, it's just divisive.
And we need to be unified as a nation, not divided, especially if we're going to tell everybody else in the world what to do.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
So with him out of the way, none of us have to pander to these anti-war losers.
So once he's gone, I can implement my strategy of finally bringing my brother on board my campaign at just the right time, right?
As the final hope of an isolationist GOP fails, we release the W. Do you really think that's a good idea?
Well, of course, he's very popular.
Is he really popular?
I mean, do the polls from the end of his presidency really back that up?
No, come on.
Hell.
Those polls don't matter, Jimmy.
That's all irrelevant now.
The most salient quality that my brother, George W. Bush, currently has with the GOP voting base is this.
He is America's most recent white president.
Wow.
Do you realize the importance of that?
No.
How powerful that is?
He's a symbol now of a glorious past when there were no black presidents.
No presidents with funky names.
In fact, he prosecuted wars against people with weird names like that.
Look, every War in our history has become glorified with enough passing of time.
And our attention spans have vanished to the point where the Iraq war is going to, you know, before you know it, rank right up there with the war of 1812 and Vietnam as one of our finest hours.
And my brother will be championed for his involvement in it, or at least his mute acquiescence to it at a minimum.
And I will be the beneficiary of that misbegotten political capital.
Jeb 2016.
You know, this is terrifying, actually.
Yeah, yeah.
I guarantee in five years, there will be a movie made by Mel Gibson showing how glorious and morally righteous the Iraq war was.
Enough of this hurt locker shit, god damn it.
I'm afraid you might be right, Jeb exclamation.
And as president, I will attend the premiere in a cowboy hat.
No doubt.
No doubt.
And I'll be dragging my older brother along to show him off like Buffalo Bill at a Wild West show with an even bigger cowboy hat, like almost a novelty thing.
And a number one foam finger thingy on him, too.
And assuming he can still fit into that mission-accomplished jumpsuit, he'll be wearing that.
I can guarantee you.
As long as we can get it on loan from the Smithsonian, that is.
This all sounds pretty ridiculous, Jeb.
Oh, does it?
Yeah.
Well, I'm not finished.
And our dad will probably be dead by then, but only in body, not in spirit.
Because he will be standing right beside us on the red carpet, smiling and with a blue halo around him, like the end of Star Wars.
And it will swiftly cut to a star-sky background and say, directed by Karl Rove.
And if you think that is some sort of goofy image, well, then you're everything that's wrong with politics right now.
You're the divisive one.
You stand with Barack Obama on the side of divisiveness.
That's yeah.
Jeb, exclamation point.
You know, listening to you talk, I think you actually might be losing it.
Am I?
Or am I gaining it?
I'm a bush polling below 1% in some places.
I'm a god incarnate.
I am Vishnu, destroyer of worlds.
Is that who Vishnu was?
Who cares?
Those are Muslim gods, not Christian ones.
No matter.
I will reign judgment upon those who question the Bush clan.
We are Legion.
We are righteousness.
Our inability to craft sassy comebacks to Trump burns will seem immaterial in the face of our ability to rework recent American history in our favor.
You will all bow before the majesty of our dynasty.
Okay, Jeb, exclamation point.
Pretty sure you're losing contact with reality altogether, but it's good talking with you, buddy.
Okay, you too, Jimmy.
Hey, look, I blacked out for a minute.
I don't, did I say anything weird?
Not at all.
Jeb, exclamation point.
Okay.
Bye.
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Thank you.
So I like to watch after the State of the Union, MSNBC has a round panel.
They have on this guy, Steve Schmidt, who everybody likes.
He ran the McCain campaign.
He was against Sarah Palin.
He was the one who comes off as a sane person in that book they wrote about it, Game Changer.
And so he comes off really sane.
And I like him because even though he's white, super rich, and Republican, he still doesn't pronounce his THs correctly.
Steve Smith, Daredevil, he does that, Dana Lotta T. You'll hear it.
It's going to come up.
So Rachel Maddow was making the point that isn't it sad now that Brock Obama was talking about NASA and science and that we don't even have a rocket that can take our astronauts into space anymore.
We have to borrow the Russians.
Well, here she makes that point.
How do we, 60 years ago, he said when the Russians beat us into space, we didn't deny Sputnik was up there.
We didn't argue about the science or shrink our research and shrink our research and development budget.
We built a space program almost overnight.
12 years later, we were walking on the moon.
And how remarkable would it seem today that the United States has no man lift capability and American astronauts go to the space station on Russian rockets under the and so that he's good.
You're good.
This is Steve Schmidt.
You can hear the THs that he's not pronouncing.
And so he's good so far, and now he goes off the rails.
To the space station on Russian rockets under the president's watch.
But I did find it remarkable.
So he just said that that happened under the president's watch.
When we all know, Robert, we all know that it's been the funding decisions are made 10 years, 20 years out.
And by the Republican Congress, who has been defunding NASA at every turn to the that all the scientists in the world are sad.
But Barack Obama, if you're the president, you're going to be the leader.
You should have executive order, some rockets.
You should executive orders.
Two rockets that go to space.
What is that?
What could that cost?
A couple million bucks?
Yeah.
Come on, a couple trillion, whatever.
Yeah.
Two rockets in case something goes wrong with the first one.
You got another one.
Take the guys up.
Yeah.
And gals.
Gals.
And gals.
So he is blaming the president of the United States for the fact that under his watch, even though we all know it's been the Republicans at every turn who's anti-science, anti-NASA, they've been defunding it.
They don't want anybody to study anything anymore.
They're anti-knowledge.
I'm not making, this isn't hyperbole, okay?
This is for real.
Okay, so here he goes on.
You're blaming Obama?
I did, but I am.
I am blaming Obama.
And so it's laughable that he's blaming Obama for that.
So they all laugh in his face, which is the thing I love to see happen because that's what you want.
You want people laughing in people's faces when they say crazy things like that.
That's why I love comedy because you can't deny laughter in your face.
Okay, here we go.
Under this president, we have lost that capability to launch American.
Under this president, we have also developed a private space industry.
Can you give him credit for that?
I don't think that that is.
So she says, well, can't you at least give him credit that under this pressure?
So if you're going to give him the negative points, if you're going to blame him for us not having rockets that take astronauts into space that happen under his watch, well, you should at least give him credit for the fact that under his watch, that private companies have now entered into the space race business.
And that's what Republicans are all about, private enterprise.
That's what she says to him.
Should be exactly what Republicans want.
Exactly.
So he should at least be happy.
But she says, okay, well, if you're going to shit on him for that, at least you're going to give him credit for that, right?
Well, here's what he says to that, because he does not give him credit for that.
That is a function of the administration.
So he doesn't get credit for that.
He says he doesn't think that's a function of the administration that we have.
But the other thing is.
So he just kept, and he straight faces it.
And so what he's doing there is why regular people hate politicians and hate talking heads like him.
What he's doing is revealing, because his whole thing is I'm the straight shooter.
I stood up against Sarah Palin.
I'm going to tell you the truth about the Republican Party, except he's not.
What he just revealed to you right there is that he doesn't really have integrity, that he doesn't really tell you the truth.
You don't have to make up stuff to criticize Barack Obama about.
Yet he just did.
Okay.
And in fact, he did it in a double standardy way.
And she called him out for it in real time, which almost never happens.
And what did he do?
He didn't even crack a smile.
He didn't break for a second.
He just kept going.
So what he's doing is he's lying in a really, really serious way.
And that's exactly what people hate about politicians.
That's why people are drawn to Donald Trump and away from him.
He's the mainstream Republican Party.
That's who Steve Schmidt is.
And he just revealed to you that, hey, I could lie with the fucking best of them with a straight face.
And I can even get indignant about it when I do it.
You know, the thing that turns everyone's stomach about politics?
I'm going to do it right now.
It's what SC Cup did in the beginning.
It's what SC Cup did.
Again, it's the unwind the crazy.
Yeah.
Although, you know, I had different reactions to that clip because you're right.
Rachel Maddow deserves the credit for challenging him right there.
But they're clearly friends, right?
Because they're on the show together and this is what happens.
So to me, they're all having a good time with it.
And unless you're paying incredibly close attention, and no one is, then you're just left with the impression of, ah, these guys say this and these guys say this.
I don't know.
The bottom line is Obama's president.
We don't have a rocket that can go to space.
I'm not sure in any way it should be the main point debated after yesterday's State of the Union address, but nonetheless, that's what they ended up on.
But they do that thing that everybody on TV does.
She does try to question him and she's as good as it gets.
But it's all fake.
All of it feels fake to me.
That whole conversation fell.
Oh, you're saying on both sides?
Well, I mean, because they all lay, they're all buddies.
They all like each other.
And once you watch it, right, once you know, I think you're, I think we're both right.
But I think that she did as well as can be expected.
But this manner that we have now of the decision we've made as a country, this is how we exchange ideas.
This is the level of our discourse.
It blows.
And it is inauthentic.
I could not disagree more.
Really?
I could not disagree more.
I would rather see two reasonable people having a disagreement and keeping it reasonable instead of the false drama that I see on Fox News.
When they bring on a straw man and beat the loving fuck out of that guy.
I mean, obviously, I completely agree with you.
Yes, they're actually talking about actual points of logic.
And even though he's clearly being a douche about it, there isn't like all this false, like create, like saying things that he's not saying.
There isn't like putting words in his mouth.
No, no, the crushes.
Crushes fuck.
I'm saying that this is as good as it gets right here.
I agree with you.
This is the pinnacle of discourse on television, and it's a C-minus.
It's not an F, but it's still silly.
And we got the two other people, I don't know who they are, who just giggle.
Everybody just giggles.
Like, if I were in charge of any network, I would ban laughter, except like Saturdays from 10 to midnight, we'll have some comedians on.
You can laugh.
But that's it.
How about this?
What I'm doing is this okay?
That's okay.
But we used to have not, well, at least something kind of funny is happening now.
But I mean, when I anchored, I've done this a billion times.
We would just laugh when we introduced people.
You know, time to check the weather.
Here's Robert Yasamo.
Rained today, didn't it, Robert?
And then you go, well, I don't know about that.
Drizzled a little bit in the morning.
Why are we laughing?
Why are we laughing?
As if we have some private joke.
It's a private joke.
And I think the message sent to people that are watching, they're like, why are these Yahoos laughing?
What is happening?
See, the message I always took from that was that these guys have some sort of weird joke between them that's filthy.
That like when he says, hey, it looks like it's going to rain, and they have like some weird golden showers peeing on each other joke going.
That's funny.
See, now that's that was the assumption I had.
Well, now you've just made it a lot more pleasant for me to think about in the future.
So if there's more to this, Steve Schmidt, he goes on.
So now they're trying to talk about who's really to blame for the breakdown in Congress and with the president.
Well, who's really to blame for the dysfunction in Washington?
And you know, Jimmy, I just think he's straight-facing it the whole way.
He is.
He's straight-faced it is.
Amazing.
Here he goes.
But the notion that the divisions in American politics rest solely on one side of the aisle.
We have the front-running candidate, ostensibly front-running candidate, Hillary Clinton, in a debate, is asked who's the enemies she's laughing.
She laughs.
It wasn't a joke at the time.
Oh, yes, it was.
It was a joke afterwards.
She laughed when she said it, which is how you know it was a joke.
He talked about indicator.
Republicans.
Republicans.
And over and over again, Republicans have been raised by this president as a straw man.
Their motives have been questioned on issue after issue.
You know why?
Because their motives are shitty.
That's why they deny science for F's sake.
Are you kidding me?
They spent the first four years filibustering everything he did.
And again, here's Steve Smith.
You guys are trying to, I understand that you're a Republican and you have to defend Republicans.
But when you can't do it honestly, doesn't it make you just want to change jobs or take a shower or not say anything?
Because I couldn't do that.
I mean, unless we're at war, we're at a war and I got to defend my country.
And that's not where we're at.
We're all on the same side.
We're all Americans.
We're all trying to make America better.
The president.
Okay.
Ostensibly, that's what we're all doing.
And he's doing this BS of, oh, it's been, we've all seen the way they treated Barack Obama.
And by the way, you know me, I'm no fan of Barack Obama, but the way he was treated was it's unprecedented just by the numbers of filibusters and how many everything had to get a cloture vote.
Everything he passed had to get 60 votes.
The notion that a Republican strategist would accuse the Democrats of using straw men.
I mean, Republicans, they bought all the straw.
They owned all the barns.
There was no straw.
There was no straw to be had.
I mean, George Bush invented the straw bad argument, and they still use it all the time.
It's just incredibly disingenuous.
I mean, for crime out loud, this president alienated almost every liberal Democrat in the country with his willingness to do a grand bargain on social security.
A grand bargain.
Right.
And John Boehner wouldn't do it because he can't control the Tea Party.
I mean, there's not one.
No Americans wanted that deal.
None.
There's been none, it turns out, because it was a terrible deal.
Right.
But Obama was willing to do it because he's desperate from the start to make a deal.
And then finally, in 2013, he got over it.
Or 2014.
He was like, I don't want to do anything.
Yeah, I don't want to do a grand bargain.
I don't want to do any deals with you.
It turns out you guys hate me no matter what.
He finally figured that out.
Oh, by the way, this guy saying that Republicans get painted With the same brush of their motives being questioned.
That's what you get.
That's what you get when you never call out your own.
Yes.
Okay, when you are a party that never says, yeah, that guy's an idiot.
That guy makes up stuff.
That guy's a liar.
When no one stood up and said, Ted Cruz is an insane maniac and we need to kick him out of the party.
If you don't stand up and do that, guess what?
Your whole party gets painted with that guy.
Right.
I mean, even the stuff like, again, Ronald Reagan would be a pariah in today's Republican Party.
He was for immigration.
He did a deal.
He did amnesty.
He raised taxes.
He would be a pariah.
And you're trying to, and Steve Schmidt's trying to make it out like it's Barack Obama's unwillingness to work with the Republican.
He demonizes us.
Again, he sold out the liberal farm and they wouldn't take the deal.
That's how much they hated him.
Again, you already made that point.
I don't have to make it again.
Steve Schmidt has a little bit more to say, I think.
We talk about great presidents who've been able to repair the breach.
Just remember Ulysses S. Grant.
When Grant dies, three of his poll bearers are Confederate generals.
Such was his role in reconciling the country after this terrible Civil War.
Divisions much greater, but also ended Reconstruction, Chris.
But the point is.
The point is that why doesn't Barack Obama invade the South, kill them, declare victory, and then appoint a couple of generals?
He won a Civil War, and you're talking about he brought people together, did he?
Ulysses S. Grant.
That's a great line.
It's a great line.
The point that Chris Hayes was making was that one of the reasons why Grant gets a pass in the South is because he ended Reconstruction, which the Southerners hated.
The Southerners hated Reconstruction.
And Grant ended it probably too soon, which pretty much allowed for Jim Crow to happen.
Paving the way for Jim Crow.
They hated it because it gave black people land.
And it also with that comes, you know, power.
And also it gave black people police officers who would stay federal troops who would stop them from being lynched.
Right.
That's basically why Southerners hated Reconstruction.
Oh, okay.
So there you go.
There's him saying that General Grant was such a unifier.
General Grant was a unifier.
General Grant sold out every black person in the South alive at that moment in order to unify.
In order to unify.
Okay.
Yeah, it's a great example.
But he also started it with, oh, you remember Ulysses S. Grant?
No one remembers Ulysses S. Grant.
He was president of the South.
He's considered one of the worst presidents of all time.
He was very corrupt.
He left office in January of 1877.
You remember that, right?
Yeah.
And by the way, all these people who unified everything and all these great guys you want to bring up, 1877 was 23 and 20, 43 years before we thought, you know what, maybe girls should vote.
Maybe women should vote.
Maybe we should give girls a chance.
We should give girls a chance.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Jimmy, it is I, Liam.
Oh, hey.
Hi, Mr. Neeson.
How are you?
Liam Neeson.
Yes, I know.
I know.
Liam.
Or as I am sometimes known, the Green Avenger.
Okay, listen, do people really call you that?
The criminals do.
So what's up, Mr. Neeson?
Timmy, as you know, your show used to air here in New York.
Yes, I know.
On WBAI, the buy.
Yes.
Yes.
It was on Sunday nights at 2 a.m., right between the gluten-free insurrection.
Okay, okay.
And the Inuit Powell with your host, Julie Seal Clubber.
Yes, Liam, I recall that.
Yes.
But now I can't find the show.
It's terrible.
Yeah, we're a little confused about that, too.
It's like I'm trapped in a maze of confusion and odors, Jimmy.
We're looking into it, Liam.
We are looking into it, buddy.
Well, I feel better now.
If anyone can fix this injustice, it is you, Seamus.
You know, you can always download this show as a podcast if you miss it on the radio.
Yes, yes.
I suppose I could.
Capital.
I shall do that immediately with my computing device.
Problem solved.
So, Liam, what are you calling about anyway?
You and I both know there's a lot more to that Liam Neeson phone call.
And yes, it gets extra hilarious.
And how do you hear the whole phone call?
You got to get the premium content.
You go to jimmydoorcomedy.com, click on join premium.
It's $5 a month.
That's less than a cup of coffee.
And then if you pay for the whole year at once, we give you a month free.
And it's a great way to help support the show.
Plus, you get to hear extra cool bonus content.
And it's fun.
It's a little different than the show sometimes.
Sometimes it's just like the show.
Sometimes it's a little like the show, but a little different.
It's great.
Be a supporter, help support the show.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com and become a premium member.
That's it for this week.
That's it.
We're all done.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasimura, Steph Zamarano, Michael Schertzer, Hank Thompson.
All the voices today perform by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
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