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Dec. 26, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20151226_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_12-25-15
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, Jimmy, this is George Clooney.
I'd like to share my Christmas wish list with you on your show.
Not a lot, I don't have, really, to be honest with you.
Some simple things in life, I suppose.
I'd like to run into you eating sushi one more time.
That'd be funny.
Ask Santa for that, sit down on his lap.
How about another Jimmy Door running?
Polygamy being legalized in the United States.
And me being married to about four supers at once would be nice.
Yeah, I remember I tried to ever hear the Weinstein brothers.
They throw a giant Christmas party and I play Santa sometimes.
Yes, that's it.
And so we always like to play pranks on everybody.
So I dressed up as Santa one year and everybody sat on my lap and told their wishes.
And then at the end of the night, I fucked everybody's wife.
It was hilarious.
Everyone has good laughs.
There's like six or seven of them.
I banged all.
It was funny.
You know, that kind of Christmas cheer, Christmas spirit.
That's all I want.
Those are my wishes, just to spread that around.
Me banging people's wives.
In the guise of practical jokes.
Sounds fun.
Just as fun.
We have fun.
I want all of my friends.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk to your TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
It's a special Christmas show.
We're putting together a special Christmas show.
I am joined in the studio by nobody because we're not in the studio.
We're in the makeshift studio in Pasadena.
And I'm joined by the miserable liberal Steph Zemarano.
Hi, Steph.
Hi, Jimmy.
All right, so what's coming up on today's show?
There's a lot, but let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know, Keith Richards turned 72 last week.
Really?
Yes.
And yet Mother Teresa is the one being cited for miracles.
Keith Richards.
You know, in the midst, in the midst of Disney relentlessly marketing at Star Wars products, they showed a film called The Force Awakens, and I really enjoyed it.
Really?
Lindsey Graham quit the presidential race.
Yes, or in the words of Steve Harvey, quote, Rick Santorum has quit the presidential race.
Steve Harvey.
You know that guy who bought the drug company?
He's a hedge fund manager.
His name is Martin Shkrelly.
Shkrelly.
Martin, and he bought that AIDS drug and he jacked it up from $10 to $700 a pill.
Anyway, that guy is such a huge a-hole that, by the way, he got arrested.
What?
Yeah, they arrested him for some kind of financial malfeasance.
Really?
So he's such an a-hole that when he gets out of jail, his only option will be running for the GOP presidential nomination.
Am I right?
Did you see the Democratic debate last Saturday?
You know, the difference between a Democratic debate and a GOP debate is like the difference between Annie Hall and Ernest Scared Stupid.
Did you hear Trump says there's no proof that Putin murdered journalists?
He said this.
He said there's no proof that Vladimir Putin murdered journalists.
But I did see tape showing thousands of billionaire a-holes cheering it at the time.
You know, Trump is now dominating the GOP to the extent that they may change the name of the Republican Party to the First Order.
And by the way, all you citizens who will be rounded up and sent away and families killed because of your religion, I apologize for comparing Trump to Hitler.
What's coming up on today's show?
Did you hear, did you hear Trump made a big deal?
He said that when Hillary went to the bathroom during the debate, it was disgusting.
What?
He said that.
I think it's appropriate that Hillary going to the bathroom made Trump lose his shit.
Am I right?
Yes.
What's coming up on today's show?
We're going to have all our Christmas wishes from all of the friends of the Jimmy Dore show, right?
So we've got a lot of, we got Christmas wishes from Ron Paul, Rip Torn, Luke Russert, George Clooney, Chris Christie, John Boehner, Bill O'Reilly, Barack Obama, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Plus, we have a phone call with Bill Cosby.
And we're going to be giving away some free tickets to see some live stand-up comedy tomorrow and Sunday.
That's right.
So I'm doing the big shows in Burbank the day after Christmas.
The two days after Christmas, December 26th and 27th in Burbank at the Flappers Comedy Club.
I'm telling jokes.
I'm going to give you a chance to win some tickets to see those shows coming up in just a little bit.
That's coming up.
Plus, we're going to talk to you about the origins of Christmas and Santa Claus and all that good stuff.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Beep!
Hello, this is Gavin Arl Schwarzenegger.
And I have several Christmas wishes as I do every year.
First, I hope I discover yet another unknown son of mine.
I can create a small army of pliable and malleable young semi-schwarzeneggers.
So when the apocalypse comes and the state runs out of water, I will have a built-in army of people to have a Mad Max style post-apocalyptic road army of my bastards.
Also, another expendable movie.
That would be cool.
And maybe another movie that's just me.
Dramatic and Oscar Verde.
So my transition from actor to governor back to actor will be complete.
And no one will wag a finger-tail feather at me again.
And also.
Also, I sort of like to hope for a complete and then an absolute forgiveness from Maria for what I've done.
And barring that option, I hope she gets caught doing something equally as wrong as I've done.
Like, Dutchess, banging hard ape, giving water to poor people.
See, I'm talking my movie.
Come back seating on George Clooney's epitome Christmas party.
Listen to me, Chicago, Joe, Clooney.
I know that you fucked my wife, and I don't think it's funny.
It's not a gag or a boner or hijink.
It's none of these things.
It's a violation of trust.
It's not about to think.
Stop saying this.
I don't even think you're using the word bonus correctly.
No one's falling for this.
At least I know what I did was wrong.
You're just a sociopath with a good suit.
Also, I would like to never have to do the arms for the compression of TV Dorsa again.
So ends the list of my wishes.
Bye.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And I want a lot of things for Christmas.
Obviously, I want to win a nomination for president.
But I also would like some hickory farms, some fruit of the month club, some sugar clubs.
I don't even know what they are, but they're in the song.
It always makes me hungry.
Take a barsala.
Peace on earth.
Pastor Farshou.
Peace in the Middle East.
Unlimited breadsticks and salad.
An end to war and suffering.
Cannoles.
Sick children being cured by the hand of God.
Candy cane in my stocking.
The complete destruction and eradication of all my political enemies in the state of New Jersey.
Full permission.
Peace on earth.
Goodwill to men.
And 24 hours locked inside of a Book of the Bell by myself.
Our old Catholic pal Mel Gibson has some wishes.
Hey, what a long one for Christmas.
Well, first of all, I'd be locked in my chapel for 24 hours straight, celebrating the mass of Christ's birth like the traditional Catholic I am.
And then I wish peace for the whole world and for everyone to remember the Christmas story of the slaughter of the innocents.
Where the Jewish King Herod ordered all the children murdered like a Jew.
We've forgotten about that.
It's the most important part of Christmas.
When I celebrate Christmas, that's why I celebrate the slaughter of the innocents because it's about how a Jew murdered children like they do.
I'd also like a new wife with strong, sturdy haunches and strong bones so I can punch a teeth and let them fall out.
But Bill for being in our strong brisket walks with a womanly gait, you know, a woman.
Anyway, all the best to you and yours.
All the best to you and yours.
Hey, Steph, you're wondering, like me, is there anything Bill Cosby could do to make himself look even more guilty?
Yeah.
Hey, I know.
Maybe sue just some of the women who've accused him of rape.
Not all of them, just some of them.
He's suing seven.
Bill Cosby is suing seven of the women who have accused him of sexual assault.
So, but still, just think about that.
He's only suing seven of them.
Why these seven?
So is he saying that the rest of the 50 accusers are telling the truth?
You know, and let me just say this: it's one thing, drugging, okay, drugging and raping women.
That's one thing.
But why does Bill Cosby have to be such an asshole about it?
He, honestly, God, you're going to sue the women now that you drugged and raped the helpless with the vulnerable women that were up and coming in Hollywood.
You drug and rape them.
And then when they tell people about it, you're going to sue them.
You know, Bill Cosby is so morally repugnant and delusional that the Republicans want him to run for president.
That's so bad.
So here's the story.
So here's the story.
This is from CNN.
It says Bill Cosby has struck back against some of the dozens of women who've accused him of sexual assault, saying that they've actually defamed him by saying he sexually assaulted them.
The women hurt his reputation so much that plans for a new comedy on NBC were derailed.
The counterclaim said, I hope so.
I hope when 50.
But only these seven were able to derail.
So that's the weird thing.
Why just these seven women?
That's what I don't understand.
So according to the counter, according to the counterclaim, Bill Cosby sued, he says that the women made malicious, opportunistic, false, and defamatory accusations of sexual misconduct against Cosby.
They made the accusations to hurt Cosby's reputation and to obtain financial gain.
That's what they're saying.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
They're all just gold diggers.
Sure, sure.
And he's seeking unspecified damages from seven women, Tamara Green, Theresa Serenesi, Linda Traits, Luis Moritz, Louisa Moritz, Barbara Bowman, or Bauman, and Joanne Tarshius and Angela Leslie.
How is he able to narrow down that these seven are the ones that are the reasons the reason why he lost out on that last sitcom?
I don't understand how he can narrow it down to the that's a good question.
How do you narrow it down to these seven?
I mean, in the lawsuit, it says that Cosby didn't drug these women, that he merely showed them Leonard Part 6.
Some states that's against the law still.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know.
So it's so funny.
They say Cosby claims the motivation of the women was to torpedo his television return.
Yes, hey, ladies, so what?
You got drugged and rape.
Why do you have to try and ruin the man's TV career?
Is that really?
It sounds like that's their point of view.
Well, whoa, whoa, it happened in the past.
Let me live my life, ladies, please.
So Cosby Cosby.
By the way, he's confessed to drugging women, but these women are trying to tarnish his character.
Okay.
To quote a famous Cosby routine, right?
You know, Bill's gotten so crazy that Fat Albert and Mushmouth have placed restraining orders against him.
These are this issue.
Oh, no, I had no idea.
This is true things.
Listen to the stuff that they say.
Mr. Cosby is an Emmy Award winner, a 1998 Kennedy Center's honors recipient.
And in 2002, Mr. Cosby was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the counterclaim says.
Yeah, that's all before we knew he was a raper.
That's a, yeah.
You know, remember before people knew about the horrible stuff Bill Cosby did, they used to give him awards all the time.
Yeah, they used to give him award.
That's what makes this horrible.
That's what makes this.
So the counterclaim does that thing.
They defame the women, just like there was a cop recently.
I forget the southern state.
But he would pull these women over and he knew they were vulnerable, right?
So they were women with criminal records already.
So a lot of them had drug records or maybe prostitution records, but they were women who were vulnerable.
They had no protection.
They had no money.
And they had a criminal record.
So he could slander them.
He could say, who are you going to believe?
Me or a hooker or me or a crack addict.
And so he was raping them.
And then when they go to court, of course, that's exactly what they do.
And he knew that he could do that, that he could slander them like that.
He could diminish their character.
And that's why he took advantage.
That's like, that's what monsters do.
That's what Bill Cosby did.
He's a monster very much.
He goes after the most vulnerable women, the women who need him the most, women with no power.
And so basically what Bill Cosby's saying is that you guys know I'm not a liar.
It's all these 50 women who are lying to take me down.
The guy with all the Kennedy Center honors, the Medal of Freedom, all the thing.
They're going after easy targets.
You know how people want to take down.
They're not going after Charlie Sheen or somebody like that.
They're going after Bill Cosby.
Okay.
They're not going, hey, but you know, also not going after, they're not going after Mel Gibson.
Right?
This is what they're going after, Bill Cosby.
Oh, by the way, you know, Cosby lost another honorary degree.
The Boston University Board of Trustees voted to revoke the honorary doctorate of human letters degree confirmed to Cosby on May 2014.
Really?
The board's decision was based on a determination supported by Mr. Cosby's sworn deposition testimony that his treatment of women has brought significant and lasting discredit upon himself and is inconsistent with the university's mission of values, the university said in a statement.
Now, maybe that's how universities have to talk, but that is certainly mushmouth stuff.
It's like, hey, by y'all know that he's a raper and we apologize.
We didn't know he was a raper at the time, but we all know that he's the lowest of human scum.
And maybe we should stop giving out awards for a while.
Right.
They can't say that.
They have to say it like they have to say it.
Well, I do appreciate that they took that position, though.
Yeah, that they at least took his thing away.
They can't even figure out how they can take that presidential honorary award given to him.
There's like no process in place for them to revoke that.
So at least Boston can do it, but the White House can't.
So who a couple of universities, Fordham University, Marquette, and Brown University have also withdrawn honorary degrees.
Wow.
Well, maybe one person doesn't need that many honorary degrees in the first place.
Like, how many honorary degrees?
Shouldn't you just like top out at two?
I don't think honorary degrees should count.
Right?
I don't think you should.
Well, you certainly could, they can't give you a.
Can they give you a doctorate as an honorary degree?
Yes, that's what they give you.
Brown University president Christina Paxson said that Cosby hasn't lived up to the standards of the university.
Because of that, his degree is being, he hasn't lived up to the standards.
I guess being a raper.
When did he get that?
Oh, in 1985, he was honored.
Oh.
The school president said such degrees are revoked if the recipient's conduct is grossly inconsistent, run counter to and undermine the accomplishments that were cited as the basis for awarding the honorary degree.
In this case, the criteria have been clearly met.
The conduct that Mr. Cosby has acknowledged is wholly inconsistent with the behavior we expect of any individual associated with Brown University.
Wow.
Wonder how many drafts it took to come up with that wording.
Well, here's Fordham gives the best.
So Fordham is a Jesuit university that gave him Cosby an honorary degree in 2001.
The university said that Mr. Cosby was willing to drug and rape women for his sexual gratification and further damage those same women's reputations and careers to obscure his guilt, hurt not only his victims, but all women and is beyond the pale.
Now, there you go.
Now, there's a statement.
Wow.
So they must have a lot of practice.
You know, the Catholic universities making statements about apologizing for sexual misconduct.
So there's your statement.
You're going to revoke someone's honorary doctorate.
You go, hey, that's right, but he was willing to drug and rape women.
We're just going to go ahead and put that in our statement.
Isn't that nice?
Yes.
I like a little plain speak.
But guess what?
Talking about plain speak, we got Bill Cosby on the phone.
No kidding.
Yeah, talk about plain speak.
We wanted to ask him a few things.
So let's get to our phone call with Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby.
Hello.
I would like to talk to Jim Bad.
This is Jimmy.
Happy hole, ho, go, ho, ho.
Hey, is this Bill Cosby?
Back to Bill Cosby.
Oh, okay.
Bill, what are you doing with yourself?
Lay low.
Celebrating the Christmas season, suing women not drunk and jack drugs.
I saw that you're suing eight of the over 50 women who accuse you of drugging and sexually assaulting them.
Does that mean the other 47 women are telling the truth?
Speaker's not zip with a hyper holidays.
Break the sex dog.
Bill, in your lawsuit against these women, you say their motivation was to, quote, torpedo your return to television.
So you got rape, David, the let me gotta rule him to rule these amazing TV crew.
Bill, I really doubt that these women were trying to ruin your TV career.
Call me Dr. Cosby.
No, I won't.
Bill, are you saying you didn't drug these women without consent?
Sip.
I drugged them with the set.
That's duty fruity, oh, Rooney.
Are you seriously saying?
Next time on the picture pages, wiggle the two, wiggle the three.
Bill, what about all the other women?
Are you seriously saying Renita Hill is lying?
Hey, the bump, zip, zip the bump.
Oh, wait, that's David Leroth.
And Colleen Hughes, is she lying?
Ma'am, skills and the frisms.
What about Charlotte Fox?
A disconnected basket.
Bill, I don't understand what you're saying.
Males, don't Dr. Cosby.
I can't leave Divinity.
Dr. Cosby, in your 2005 deposition, you admitted that you purchased Quaaludes to drug women for sex.
Nope.
Do you have anything else to say?
No, but don't vote Ben Carson.
Hey, hey, hey, okay.
Okay, I'm going to hang up now then.
Skeet to that, pit those beans, flat foot, floogie with the Floyd toy.
Bye.
you Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, I got to say, Bill, you don't sound very sorry about what you did.
Life gives you lemons.
You make lemonades with the roofers in them.
Oh, wait.
Hey, you're really a fucking monster.
Clean up your mouth, pull up your pants, talk to me.
Goodbye, Bill.
Call me Dr. Cosmo, please.
Hey, sweetie, this is Rip Thorn.
My wishes for this year are simple.
For me to live another year so the Rip Torn celebrity drug tank doesn't become fucking weird in 2016.
Become a coverty institution.
We can't have it becoming outmoded because of my untimely demise.
Also, I want my wishes to still have the ability to drink in the morning, which would coincide with them relaxing the requirements to get on the liver transplant list.
And so I can move back to my native state of Texas.
We're open carry begins on January 1st.
An unstable drunk with a gun.
Sweetie, these are going to be some great updates.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
May Krumpus visit you and fuck the idios.
I don't fucking know.
I don't give a cent.
you you This is former Speaker of the House, John Mater.
What I want for Christmas is for people to forget me.
To have my name erased from the pages of history.
That's all I want.
Oh, and a big fucking fig of shivas, that too.
Yeah, that's what I want.
We got a lot coming up in the second half.
We'll be right back in one minute.
This is the Jimmy Door Show, originating from KPFK 90.7 Los Angeles and heard nationwide on the Pacifica Network.
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It makes a big difference.
Now let's get back to the second half of the show.
Hey, everybody, welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
We've got a lot coming up in the second half.
We've got a lot of Christmas wishes coming up from some of your favorite people.
Jeb Bush calls in with his Christmas wish.
Ron Paul, Luke Russert, Barack Obama.
We've got a lot of Christmas wishes coming up.
Plus, we're going to take a look at the origin of the Christmas holiday, Santa Claus and what have you.
We do this every year.
It's important.
I forget about it every year.
I forget all the information every year, so it's good to go over it.
But right now it's time to hear from Jeb Bush and his Christmas wishes.
Jeb Bush and his Christmas wishes.
Hey, this is Jeb Bush.
How are you?
Oh, that's right.
I'm just calling in.
You're not going to.
As far as Christmas, you know, I've always loved Christmas, and, you know, wishes are great.
And, you know, it's one thing to wish for something, but you need to work for it.
So, you know, for 2016, I think is a year that's going to be the year of Jeb.
So I wish for luck and then, I suppose, in that.
And donors mainly, I guess, as donors is what I'll be hoping for.
You know, if I could sit on Santa's lap, you know, right now, metaphorically, I'd say, could I get when I wake up on Christmas morning, I'd like to see Sheldon Adelson under my tree, you know, just kind of lounging there with his pocketbook out.
And maybe some of that sweet casino money just ready to go.
And I'll say anything about murdering Palestinians he wants me to.
I mean, I don't, that's not going to affect my base at all.
You know, we'll turn Gaza Strip into a beach of glass if it gets that Sheldon Adelson money.
So my wishes are simple, you know, and I think in line with the season and the spirit of Christmas.
Yeah, just basically that.
You know, I hope the universe hears my plea that I will acquiesce to Borderline Holocaust, a group of people.
You know, get some money.
Merry Christmas.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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So people don't know the origin of Christmas, but I do, because I'm smart.
And I looked it up.
So here, did you know...
I did Google it.
Did you know that, first of all, Christmas became celebrated on December 25th?
You know, it was actually a pagan holiday.
It was called Satumalia.
Satumano, if I'm pronouncing that correctly.
That's some of my favorite kind of weed, isn't that Satumalia?
Satumala, it was the ancient Roman seven-day festival of Saturn, which began on December 17th.
And it was a celebration marked by unrestrained, that's very key here, unrestrained revelry and often licentiousness.
Licentiousness.
Licentiousness.
That's called good.
Yes.
And then it says, and then it's a semicolon and it says an orgy.
Okay, so that's so that's the fact.
So that's how Christmas started.
It certainly would be very happy holidays.
It was a sex festival.
Even during the Victorian era, it had a naughtiness to it.
Yes.
Yes, it did.
That's why they banned it in Massachusetts for a number of years.
The Puritans did not like Christmas.
They thought Christmas was dirty.
It was dirty.
It was known as the one time of year fat guys could get laid.
Well, actually, one of the traditions of Christmas in England was that the wealthy and their servants would trade places.
And so you could order, if you're a servant, you could order around your master for the kinky.
So here are some of the festivals, observations, observance in the time of the Greek poet Lucian, right?
He said, in addition to human sacrifice, which they would have on this festival, they also had widespread intoxication, going from house to house while singing naked, which was how carolers got started.
This is true.
They would go to house to house singing naked while drunk, and then they would rape, and then they would have other sexual licentiousness, right?
And then they would consume human-shaped biscuits, still produced in some English and most German bakeries during the Christmas season.
And then after that, things got weird.
And so in the fourth century, in the fourth century, Christianity co-opted this festival of Satumalia in hoping to get pagans to become Christians, right?
So they decided to start celebrating this.
And Christian leaders succeeded in converting to Christianity large numbers of pagans by promising them that they could still celebrate Satumalia as Christians.
So that's how they got these pagans to become Christians.
The problem was that there was nothing intrinsically Christian about Satamalia.
So to remedy this, the Christian leaders named Satamalia's concluding day, September 25th, to be Jesus's birthday.
They just made it up.
Right.
Wow.
It's generally believed that Jesus was born probably in the spring, actually.
Uh-huh.
That makes a little more sense.
Jesus hated it because nothing is worse than when your birthday is on the same day as Christmas.
You don't get as many presents.
So the earliest Christmas holidays were celebrated by drinking, sexual indulgence, singing naked in the streets.
So that's how that's how Christmas got started.
But even in northern Europe, where it was the solstice festival, again, it was a lot of drinking and stuff because it's the end of that food.
You know, it's everybody basically like having the last of the harvest food and hunkering down for the next couple of months.
So here's this thing about what happened in Massachusetts.
So the Reverend, this guy's name is Increase Mather.
That's his name, Increase is his first name.
The Reverend Increase Mather of Boston observed in 1687 that the yearly Christians who first observed the Nativity on December 25th did not do so thinking that Christ was born in that month, but because the heathens Satamalia Festival was at the time kept in Rome and they were willing to have those pagan holidays metamorphosized into Christian ones.
Because of its known pagan origin, Christmas was banned by the Puritans and its observance was illegal in Massachusetts between 1659 and 1681.
However, Christmas was still celebrated by most Christians.
Some of the most depraved customs of Satomalia's carnival were intentionally revived by the Catholic Church in 1466 when Pope Paul II, for the amusement of his Roman citizens, forced Jews to race naked through the streets of the city.
An eyewitness account reports, quote, before they were to run, the Jews were richly fed so as to make the race more difficult for them and at the same time more amusing for the spectators.
They ran amid Rome's taunting shrieks and pearls of laughter while the Holy Father stood upon a richly ornamented balcony and laughed heartily.
Good times.
But then they changed it, though.
They fed them afterwards and they told them at the end of their run there was a Chinese restaurant.
So it all worked out.
That made them run very fast.
So then in the 18th and 19th centuries, rabbis of the ghetto in Rome were forced to wear clownish outfits and march through the city streets to the jeers of the crowd, pelted by a variety of missiles.
I'm guessing just stuff thrown at people.
And when the Jewish community of Rome sent a petition in 1836 to Pope Gregory the 16th begging him to stop the annual Satamalia abuse of the Jewish community, he responded by saying, quote, it is not opportune to make any innovations.
So on December 25th, 1881, Christian leaders whipped the Polish masses into anti-Semitic frenzies that led to riots across the country.
And in Warsaw, 12 Jews were brutally murdered.
Huge numbers were maimed, and many Jewish women were raped.
Two million rubles worth of property were destroyed.
That's all in the name of Christmas.
So that's how Christmas got started.
This is in the 18th century.
Is there anything you can't do?
So this is in the 18th and 19th century.
So That's the origin of Christmas, Megan Kelly.
Okay, just so you know, it was a big orgy.
Santa Claus was still white, right?
And Santa Claus.
Okay, so you want to know how Santa Claus got started?
So Saint Nicholas was born in Parara, Turkey in 270 and later became the bishop of Myra.
He died in the year 345 on December 6th.
He was only named a saint in the 19th century, even though he died in 346.
So Nicholas.
When you're born in a three, you really know you're in ancient times.
Yes.
No kidding.
So Nicholas was among the most senior bishops who convened the Council of Nicaea in 325 and created the New Testament.
The text they produced portrayed Jews as the children of the devil who sentenced Jesus to death.
So this is Saint Nicholas.
All right.
So in 1087, a group of sailors who idolized Saint Nicholas moved his bones from Turkey to a sanctuary in Italy.
There, Nicholas supplanted a female boon-giving deity called the grandmother or Pasqua Epiphania, who used to fill the children's stocking with their gifts.
So they got rid of her and they just started to give all this these traits to this guy, St. Nick.
You couldn't say her name.
Couldn't say her name.
The grandmother was ousted from her shrine at Bari, which became the center of Nicholas's cult.
Members of his group gave each other gifts during a pageant they conducted annually on the anniversary of Nicholas's death on December 6th.
The Nicholas cult spread north until it was adopted by the Germans and the Celtic pagans.
These groups worshiped a pantheon led by Woden, their chief god and the father of Thor.
So this, so this is how Woodin, so this guy, so Wudin or Waden.
It's Odin.
You don't pronounce the W?
Odin?
Okay, so Odin had a long white beard and rode a horse through the heavens one evening each autumn.
When St. Nicholas merged with Odin, he shed the Mediterranean appearance, meaning it's no longer dark, grew a beard, mounted a flying horse, rescheduled his flight from autumn to December, and donned heavy winter clothing.
So in a bid for pagan adherents in Northern Europe, the Catholic Church adopted the Nicholas cult and taught that he did distribute gifts on December 25th instead of December 6th.
So this is how Santa Claus got started.
So in 1809, the novelist Washington Irving, who's most famous for the legend of Sleepy Hollow, wrote a satire of Dutch culture entitled Knickerbocker History.
The satire refers to several times to be the white-bearded flying horse writing Saint Nicholas used in his Dutch name, Santa Claus.
So this in 1809 is how Santa Claus really got started.
So he wrote this thing and then Dr. Clement Moore, a professor at Union Seminary, read the Knickerbocker history.
And in 1822, he published a poem based on the character Santa Claus, T'was the Night Before Christmas.
So that happened in 1822.
1823 was the first parody of the night before.
So then the Bavarian illustrator Thomas Nass almost completed the modern picture of Santa Claus.
From 1862 to 1886, based on that poem, Nass drew more than 2,000 cartoon images of Santa for Harper's Weekly.
Before Nass, St. Nicholas had been pictured as everything from a stern-looking bishop to a gnome-like figure in a frock.
But Nass also gave Santa a home at the North Pole, his workshop filled with elves, and his list of good and bad children of the world.
All Santa was missing was the red outfit.
So that came from this illustrator, Thomas Nass, in 1862.
He made up pretty much Santa, right?
Wow.
He should be getting, his family should be getting royalty.
He should be getting.
But then, guess what?
As Robert mentioned last week, in 1931, the Coca-Cola Corporation contracted the Swedish commercial artist, Haddon Sundblom, to create a Coca-Cola drinking Santa.
And this guy, this artist Sundblom, modeled his Santa on his friend Lou Prentence, chosen for his cheerful, chubby face.
The corporation insisted that Santa's fur-trimmed suit be bright Coca-Cola red.
And Santa Claus was born, a blend of Christian crusader, pagan God, and a Coca-Cola commercial idol.
So when Santa has a red coat, it's because of Coca-Cola.
It has nothing to do with anything.
This completely invented thing, Santa Claus.
I actually, the subtler thing that's interesting about this is when people are always like, Santa, this is, do you understand that the idea of Santa Claus is cultish?
It's the worst form of idolatry that is condemned in the New Testament and the Old Testament.
Yes.
Like it's at the point that there was a cult of St. Nicholas.
It was very common.
There were cults all the time at that point in the ancient world.
And that's exactly what Christianity and Judaism were fighting against were these weird splinter cults.
Yes.
And so for them to say, well, Santa Claus is part of the, is this sacred part of the canon?
No, it couldn't be further.
It's actually seditious to the canon.
I agree.
Yes.
So again, as a lot of things in life, what's come to be accepted as a truism in modern or in mainstream culture, the exact opposite would be true, especially when things are surrounding religion.
You know, they say on the first day God created man or and they say God created man in his own likeness and image.
When we all know anybody who's thinking, rational, and not completely devoted to fantasy knows that the reverse happened.
That God didn't invent man in his own likeness and image.
Man created God in his own likeness and image.
And that's why God has a beard and looks like Santa.
So am I supposed to give Coca-Cola to my friends this Christmas?
So the exact opposite could do worse.
I love Coca-Cola.
It's awful.
You like Mexican Coca-Cola, Frank.
Are you trying to tell me that there's no Santa Claus?
I'm trying to tell you.
There's no Santa Claus.
All right.
That's it.
That's all our show.
We're all done.
What do you guys say, Frank?
Go ahead.
I don't know if you could fit this in, but this is an absolutely true story.
When I was a kid and I believed in Santa Claus, this friend of mine, I guess I was five years old, said he told me there was no Santa Claus.
And he said, Frank, when you get older and as you're going off to college, your parents are going to tell you there's no Santa Claus.
As you go off to college, your parents.
Well, that was before the internet.
That's how it works for me.
Have it before the internet.
Jimmy Dore.
Four.
This is Bill D'Wiley.
Merry Christmas, you atheist whole foods fuckhole.
That's right.
I said, Merry Christmas, not happy holidays, Jew face.
You secularists are a war with Christmas.
Not a holiday tree, it's a Christmas tree, pagan.
Trying to take baby Jesus out of Black Friday.
Taking the Santa Claus out of the Virgin Mary.
Get out of her.
People tell me they dread seeing your family at Christmas.
Why?
I love it.
I just talk and everybody listens.
I tell them what's really going on out there in the world.
I know because I tell my Lumo driver and he says I'm right.
You share my bloodline.
That's why you gotta listen to me.
Oh, do you have a top-rated news show on cable?
No, then shut your fucking stupid mouth, Edna, or I'm talking.
Fucking dirt witch.
Would I take another drink?
Yes, please.
Thank you, Sam Scotch.
Merry Christmas to me.
I only drink to stop my craving to drink.
This country is going down the drain because of you, progressives.
Why do things have to change?
Why can't it be like when I was a kid?
I had hair and a chin.
Back then, you could call a cop to harass minorities, and they wouldn't fuck your wife.
Got another text from Juilliams.
Won't leave me alone since I was the secret sand at the office.
You'll be happy to know I showed great racial sensitivity and gave him a jar of pickled pigs' feet.
Stay on your side of town, brown boy.
Do I want to block future texts from this number?
Yes, I do.
Happy happy Hanukkah, whatever you people call it.
Hello, Flora.
Merry Christmas.
I'm going to stay with you.
Wow.
Wow.
Hey, don't forget if you missed any.
Herman, how are you?
Good.
How are you?
So, Herman, how are what do you what do you want for Christmas?
I want peace on earth.
Oh, okay.
Goodwill to man.
Yeah.
And a big pile of naked white women in my backyard.
That's the reason for the season.
That's why they call it Christmas.
You go outside and see that big old pile of white women, you say, Christ.
Oh, that's what I want.
I also want to come and be in your show.
I want to be one of the regular dudes.
Well, you're practically a regular dude.
But I'm always calling in.
I want to be there with, you know, I want to argue with all those liberal dudes on your show.
I got to set everybody straight.
Well, next time you're in Los Angeles, we'll bring you into the studio.
No problem.
Good.
I got backed up stuff to say to all those dudes.
Calling me out and I can't respond.
I've got to talk to you.
Okay.
I know.
Okay.
Probably at the morrow with his motherfucking facts.
He rolls and fields making everybody depressed right at the beginning of the show.
There ain't no point in life.
All right, now let's begin the radio program.
Frank Connor's making jokes I don't understand.
I don't care for that.
I need to get in a set on those country.
I've been working on my radio chops.
I've got my own show.
Yeah.
All right, Herman.
Well, I hope that your holiday wishes come true.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Pikachu.
Okay, that's it.
That's Herbie K. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
No.
you you Hey, we got one more Christmas phone call.
Our Dr. Ron Paul, our favorite ex-congressman from Texas, Dr. Ron Paul, called us, and he had some Christmas wishes.
Let's listen to what they were.
And my Christmas wish is, you know, as is every simple.
It's a return to the gold standard.
I don't think that's too much to ask for.
And getting rid of giant sections of the federal government and, you know, forcing most people to have a level of self-reliance like they would in Columbia, everyone has to turn into daddy bumpo all of a sudden.
I don't think that's too much to ask for.
Traffic lights serve no purpose.
Oh, so we can really have a traditional, finally a traditional Christmas, a traditional American Christmas time without the federal government interfering.
So we finally say Merry Christmas to one another.
You know, just because I do simple things like that.
I just want to, yeah.
I gotta go.
I'm gonna go stand outside at night and stare into the forest.
Anyway, Merry Christmas.
Remember, Santa Claus is young socialist and should have no part in the Christmas tradition.
He just gives presents away.
Yeah, that's terrible.
That's a terrible lesson to get young people.
They should work for their big third century Turkish saints just to show up and give them presents for free.
That just creates a dependence on a government on the federal government.
So keep the Christ in Christmas and kick Santa Claus to the fucking curb where he belongs.
*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* Thank
you.
Hello, this is Senator Bernie Sanders.
My Christmas list.
If I did celebrate Christmas, by the way, my Christmas list is for Debbie Watson Sults to have her firewalls breached by a North Korean hacker.
I would also like for the people of the South to magically become literate somehow.
Another wish would be for me to win Super Tuesday.
Another wish would be for people to stop asking me how I'm going to pay for free college for everyone.
That'd be nice.
Can we stop fucking doing that, please?
Another wish where I don't have to keep talking to rappers.
Yes.
In order to make up for this apparent Bernie Sanders hates black people thing that started the beginning of my campaign that I gotta constantly make up for for some shit that's never even true in the fucking first place.
Am I done talking to rappers, please?
That's the problem with being a decent human being.
You have to be one, everybody.
And also, Fallout 4.
I'm not going to lie.
I'd like that too.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Jimmy, this is Luke Russert.
For Christmas this year, I'd like for someone somewhere to bestow some sort of credibility on me and my reporting.
And have me not be a complete laughing stock outside of the nepotism of the little NBC circle that I exist in.
But, you know, the saying is not real, so that's not going to happen.
And if not that, I'll just take another million dollars.
Nah.
Fuckers.
Okay, boy, that's a lot of people wishing sharing their Christmas wishes with us.
I hope you had a great Christmas.
And there's two things I want to let you know.
Go ahead and join up for the premium and you'll hear Barack Obama's Christmas witches.
That's right, witches.
That's right.
Barack Obama's Christmas wishes and lots more stuff.
Every week we drop some great stuff in the premium content.
And how do you get that?
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, click on Join Premium.
It's only $5 a month.
If you join for the whole year at once, we'll give you a month free.
Okay, also, the other thing I want to let you know, this Saturday and Sunday, tonight, and tomorrow, December 26th and 27th, we're telling jokes in Burbank, California at Flappers.
So if you're tired of your family, come on out and let's have a laugh.
We have a lot of funny friends on that show also.
And there's a link for discount tickets over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Okay, so click over there.
I think they're half price.
So all right, we'll see you then this Saturday, Sunday, December 26th, 27th.
Please join the premium.
And thanks everybody who's using our Amazon link during the holiday shopping season.
It's a big help.
I know we don't encourage anyone to shop at Amazon, but if you do, we appreciate you having some of that money go to a good cause like the Jimmy Dore show.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Conniff, Mark Van Landuet, Mike McRae, Robert Yasembura, Steph Zamarano, and Michael Schertzer.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only of the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
All right, that's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dorr saying you be the best you can be and I'll keep being me.
You.
This Christmas, I'm staying in bed.
I haven't had a good sleep in a while.
And I think this Christmas is what it will take to make up all those hours I've lost doing nothing.
Nothing at all.
For if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
I never have time because the days are so short.
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