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Jan. 2, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, John.
Jimmy, it's your Ron Paul on the line.
Look, you wanted to know what my news resolutions might be.
And I got to tell you, Jimmy, I don't have any.
I mean, you know, I'm a libertarian, and I believe everyone should do whatever they want to whenever they want to.
So I'm pretty much done with everything I've ever wanted.
You know, I want to become a vagina doctor, and I did that.
Looked at all of a john as I'll ever need to see.
Wanted to become a congressman.
I did that.
Looked at all the congressmen's vaginas I'll ever need to see.
You know, I wanted to hunt and murder a man on a tropical island.
Check.
Done that.
Once had a seven-way with a woman from every inhabited continent.
Sex Act, I'd like to call the United Colors of Bennetton.
And then, of course, I visited Graceland.
So I'd have to say my bucket list is really pretty much all checked off.
5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle of a new dynamic.
Yeah, you done that.
I mean, that mountain has been climbed.
Secretly undermining the United States government on behalf of the John Burch Society.
Consider that river crossed, my friends.
Have I tried smoking crack cocaine?
I wouldn't say I tried so much as I'd say I succeeded.
So, you know, it's been a rich full life, Jimmy.
So pretty much the only things left to do are one, assassinate my son, and then two, suicide by cough.
And those aren't really so much resolutions.
That's, I don't know, destiny.
Well, okay, Jimmy, you have a happy new year and please have a prostate exam this year.
It's about time.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...up-minded, lowly-livered lofies.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Go.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
It's a great one.
Packed with phone calls from all the Jimmy Door show favorite phone callers.
We just heard Ron Paul at the top.
We are going to hear a lot more fun.
I hope you're having a happy new year.
Happy New Year to everybody.
Hope you had a great Christmas or whatever you happen to celebrate.
Even though you know I'm a non-believer, I still celebrate Christmas.
I don't know if that's fair, right?
Anyway, so, but I enjoy it.
We spread good cheer.
Okay, so coming up on today's show, it's a mixture.
We're going to have some New Year's resolutions, right?
Just like Ron Paul's.
Who else is going to call in for the New Year's?
Harrison Ford's going to call in today with New Year's resolutions, John Boehner.
Hey, we have a phone call with Bill Cosby.
We also have, did you know that the bass player Lemony?
Lemmy, no, not Lemony, Lemmy from Motorhead died.
And guess what?
He calls in.
Lemmy from Motorhead calls in.
Did you know that was a very successful band?
I got into the heavy metal, was not into it, so I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to that stuff.
So if Lemmy calls in, we're going to hear from Hillary Clinton.
Jeb Bush's first phone call to the show this year.
Liam Neeson's call to the show this year.
We got a lot of calls coming up.
Also, our good friend Todd Sawyer has written a book about relationships called Your Picker is Broken or My Picker is Broken.
And he's hilarious.
He's got some hilarious romantic stories or stories of love, twisted love in this new book.
We're going to talk to him coming up on today's show.
Let's get to one of our favorite classic phone calls.
This is the Christmas wish.
We didn't play this last week.
This is the Christmas Wish by Rick Perry.
So he called in, I think it was the 2014, 2015 Christmas season, or maybe the 23, 2013, 2014.
Not sure which.
This is Rick Perry's Christmas Wishes.
We didn't get to them last week.
It's going to become a classic.
And we're going to play them every year.
So here we go.
This is Rick Perry's Christmas wishes.
This is Rick Perry's Christmas.
Okay, now, you know what?
I didn't know, but Governor Perry left me a voicemail right before Christmas and I didn't get it.
And so here it is.
Here's Governor Christie.
I mean, Governor Rick Perry.
Hey, Jimmy, this is Rick Perry, three-term governor of Texas.
Could have had a fourth term, but I already solved all Texas' problems and didn't want to jump ashore.
That's nice.
How you doing?
Well, wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.
I'm very excited, Jimmy.
It's closing in.
My stockings is hung by the chimney with care.
I like to just look at them stockings hanging there by the chimney with care.
Very relaxing.
This is a time to sit back on our laurels and make our Christmas wish list.
What's on your head?
Okay, Jimmy, here's wish number one.
Let's hear it.
Every night I drop to my knees and pray for things like goodwill towards man.
Hell, I don't give a damn whether it's Christmas or the 4th of July or the goddamn middle of February.
If they're my fellow man, I extend my goodwill to them, especially if they're from out of town.
Because, Jimmy, we have freedom of religion in this country.
And in Texas, multiply that by a thousand.
You can pray for anything you want, no matter how terrible a thing it might be.
Nobody cares what you believe or what you think about anything.
And nobody wants to know.
I mean, you specifically, Jimmy.
Okay, get ready for number two.
I want everybody to have a happy and healthy new year, especially in Texas, where we're leading the nation and denying the existence of Obamacare.
It's paying off, Jimmy.
So far, only 14,000 Texans have signed up for Obamacare, which proves how bad it is.
In Texas, we stood up for freedom despite all the pressure to accept the federal government's billions for a Medicaid expansion.
And let me tell you, Jimmy, it's not easy to do something so counterintuitive.
But hey, if I could execute an innocent man, I can certainly stand up for the rights of thousands of sick people and not be able to afford a doctor.
And for no reason other than my spyful and perverse brand of hyper-partisan integrity.
Excuse me for rambling, Jimmy, but I spiked my eggnog with back meds.
Ted Cruz talks a lot about repay on Obamacare, but I stopped at Co.
He did.
Forget that Mexican border fence.
I built an impenetrable stone wall between Texans and hospitals.
Jimmy, did you ever notice how much I looked like Charles Browlin?
Yes.
Which is weird because he played George Lebievich now all overstone movie that nobody saw.
I look nothing like that.
Sometimes it breaks me out a little bit.
Did you see my new eyeglasses?
Pretty cool looking, Hall.
Glasses make you look intelligent.
Did you know that?
Shit man wore him and everybody thought he was this like totally different smart guy.
Number three.
Oh, damn.
I can't remember the third one.
Hey, Jimmy, if you're not doing anything between Christmas and New Year's, you should come down and visit me at the you know what head ranch.
It's just going to be me and my wife.
Okay, well, you're hoping a jolly fat man comes right down your chimney repeatedly.
All right, Governor Rick Perry.
So, Bill Cosby, I don't know if you saw, he's been charged.
Thank God.
Bill Cosby has been charged.
And it's fun to see him do the, it's fun to see him do the perp walk.
Is it not?
I don't know if you saw the picture of him walking down.
There was a sea of photographers on both sides.
And he had the biggest frown on his face I've ever seen.
And it's nice to see that sometimes, sometimes in a little way, monsters get held accountable.
So I tried to call, I called Bill Cosby, and you know, he still has a very funny persona.
You know, what he did start a fat Albert and all those characters.
So anyway, we called Bill Cosby, and here it is.
This is Jimmy Dore from the Jimmy Dore Show.
Oh.
You look like you had a big frown on today when you were going, when you got arrested.
They told me I was going out to get footing.
That's how they got me out the house.
And then they walked me into the courtrooms with the people of the zips.
That must have been pretty humiliating, huh?
I sat down on the stool and told people to pull the pants up.
You just can't help yourself, right?
It's just, that's like a muscle memory now.
You just tell people, pull up the zips.
Okay, well, listen, Dr. Cosby, by the way, they're taking away your fake doctorships or whatever.
They're doing dude.
Yeah.
Yes.
They did.
Fordham took it away.
And lots of places already have taken away your fake doctorships.
I still got the real doctor of educationalism.
Oh, you have an actual one for reals?
EDD.
Ah.
Okay.
Can't take away, try to take it all away.
They're not going to do it.
The Hannibal Burris of the world is not going to take away anything from Macau.
Oh, man.
How much does he must hate Hannibal Burris?
How much do you hate Hannibal Burris, Bill Cosby?
Well, I don't even know who.
Yes, I don't even know who.
Yes, he is.
Yes.
He needs to pull up the pens.
Yes, I bet he does.
Okay, well.
Welcome too slow.
So I want to know.
I just really want to ask one question.
Black bitch hanbar.
No, no, no.
Listen.
Hey, I just want to really ask you one question.
What's it like at Christmas dinners with your family and everyone knows you're a raper?
And then, well, what's that like?
Well, they love it.
They love dad.
They love it.
They sing a song.
They get it.
Dad, that's great.
He gives us chocolate cake.
Dad, that's great.
It's accused of rape.
Dad is great.
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
Okay.
Nobody at Christmas dinner.
No, there are things that I've been doing anything bad.
Oh, so everyone's just like lying to themselves.
They don't believe all the hoopla and skip-scat coming out the liar flyers.
*laughs* Thank you.
Oh, so nobody, but even, you know, all that stuff that became.
Camille doesn't believe all the zip zaps.
Oh, okay.
Wow.
Well, listen, Dr. Fake, real doctor and fake Dr. Cosby.
You know, I can't.
The doctorships will get whittled down to the real doctorship, which will make me even more powerful of a doctor.
Yes, even more powerful.
My wife and I, we did get some, what they call Schadenfreude watching you have to be arrested.
And it was, it was really made us happy because you just sued those women.
So it was like, finally, somebody's doing something to you, right?
Because you're such a scumbag.
They'll get their dick.
I'm going to take them to jail.
They're going to do the perp and now.
Silly walk like me do.
So now let me ask you another question.
Now, do you do you still eat healthy?
Like, do you still try to like maintain a healthy lifestyle?
Do you still like go to the do you want to live?
Is what I'm saying.
Like, do you still want to live longer?
Well, what kind of question is that do I want to live?
Yeah, that's what I'm at.
Well, it's because now you're completely everything you had going for you, you don't anymore.
So your whole life has been reflected.
What are you talking about?
I got my wife, Camille.
Oh, I guess you're right.
You do have Camille.
Got a family.
I got the big.
I got my money.
I got my house.
Yeah, but with your money, now you really can't even go anywhere.
You can't do anything because everywhere you go, people are like, I don't want to do any dad anyway.
78 years old.
I want to sit all in the buzz and buzz.
How come you're not doing it?
No, I remember when the allegations first came out, you were still doing tours.
Yeah, yeah.
And nobody, everybody was cool.
Now, how come you're not still doing that?
If people are willing to come out and pay money to see you, is it the vengeance?
Oh, okay.
It's a little bit of a hunt.
And I'll be back on the road.
Okay.
All right.
Hannibal Burris.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I'm.
You need to come up with me.
Oh, you know what?
My sister suggested that a long time ago.
Jesus, Virginia Doors.
Sir, true story.
When I first started comedy, my sister called me up and said, Hey, Bill Cosby's in town.
Why don't you open for him?
True story.
Oh, zip.
Zip.
And then, you know, then I, you know, kind of got raped or something.
But the good thing I, but I, you know, just funny, like, she's giving me the big idea.
Hey, why don't you go.
That's all right.
I call up a network and I get a TV show.
Oh, not anymore.
Maybe I'll do that again.
They take away...
What is all of them, man?
They take away your TV shows now.
Wow, Bill, it's really.
I can't.
I'm not going to lie.
It's fun to see this happen.
All right.
All right, Bill.
Anything you want to say for anything for the new year?
You hope or anything?
You have any resolutions for you?
I promise the guy I was out of ice cream and I didn't get it today.
I'm going to sue a bunch of women for that.
Oh, okay.
I'm going to take a picture.
And I'm going to get Bajillo.
Okay.
And I'm going to rape a few more women.
Oh, now do you still?
Okay.
All right, Bill.
That's horrible.
And you're horrible.
And good to talk to you, though.
Don't hate to play.
I hate the zip of the zot.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Bader here.
What's Bader's New Year's resolution this year?
My goal is to give even less of a fuck than I already do.
It's a high bar, I know.
After all, I presided over two of the least productive Congresses in history.
But I think I could do better.
It's going to be tough.
Gonna have to up my scotch dosage to Ted Kennedy levels.
You see me without a Tumblr of Chivalrous, you yell at me.
You shame me.
I'll be a no-good sober loser hobo.
But I have to reduce my compassion for the fellow man.
I'm sick of the hospital.
I gotta say, fuck it.
I see a dude kicking puppies.
I just sit back and enjoy the puppy kicking show.
You got a baby with candy?
Wrong.
You got a baby, but I got candy, motherfucker.
I'd have to stop worrying about my own personal safety.
Don't know how to ride a motorcycle, but I just bought some jab crotch rocket.
I'm going to jump out as soon as I finish this drink.
From now on, only unprotected sex with elderly checked hookers.
Maybe start sharing heroin needles with Charlie Sheen.
Seriously, if you want to dare me to do something, now might be the time.
Dare me to do anything, Azo, I'll do it.
Take a shit on Paul Ryan's desk.
Consider it done, man.
That's the new job, Boehner.
He does shit like that.
Okay, well, that's it.
Give less of a fuck.
See, like normally, I'd politely say goodbye at the end of this call.
But guess what?
Boom.
Okay, I'm here with comedian, extraordinaire, hilarious man, and author Todd Sawyer.
Hey, Todd, how are you?
I'm good, Jimmy, and thank you for saying all those nice things.
Now, I know you because you were a guest on my podcast called Comedy Everything Else.
And you came on because you had met a marriage therapist that you had fallen in love with, correct?
So, so far, that story is true.
So far.
It's like you're waiting.
What are you waiting for me to sandbag you or something?
No.
And then, yes.
And you guys, and you guys had written, now you have a book.
Now, that relationship died, and it's which is all just the innate irony of that is so funny when rarage counselors get divorced.
That's just, you know, that is just funny.
That's like a fat yoga instructor.
And but anyway, you have a new book.
It's called My Picker is Broken.
And it's 20 real life bad relationship stories, right?
And tell me, tell me, now tell me your story, Todd.
All right.
Well, I've had a couple of them, but in all fairness to the marriage therapist, we were together for four years and we were engaged and we called off the wedding.
And then we finished our relationship.
So we never did get married, which is progress, you know?
And that is progress.
I would have followed through.
I am just screwed up enough to hang in there even though it's a bad idea.
Why would you do that?
Because you have, why would you do that?
Well, okay.
Well, in the honest world, it's that I told you I would be here for you, and I'm going to keep my word even if I'm miserable.
And where does that come from, Todd?
That's that overwhelming sense of obligation and the idea that life is supposed to be miserable.
Good parenting.
No, that's not it.
I have no idea, really.
But the thing is, is I mean, it doesn't matter.
The good thing is that we decided, like, no, you know what's best is if you go your way and I go mine.
Let me let me ask you this question really quickly.
Now, if you were with someone, would you want them to stay with you, not because they were in love with you, but because they said they would.
Well, when you frame it like that, it's very clear what the choices are.
But you've been in a relationship for a long time, allegedly.
Yes, I have.
Yes, I have.
And it's not always framed as clearly as the third person can see it, right?
Like when you two were in it, you don't quite see the big picture, and then somebody points it out, and you're like, oh, that's it.
Okay.
That's all that happened.
And what exactly?
So here I think is the important thing that Todd Sawyer should maybe lead with is that his grandpa was married four times.
His dad was married five times and he's been divorced once.
He comes from a long line of broken pickers.
He was married for eight years to a great woman.
They tried to make it work, but it wasn't our B effort.
It was our best effort and it still ended.
Wow.
That's pretty good.
After his divorce, he spent a couple of years lost, hurt and confused.
Then he met and fell in love with another great woman.
And after four years together, that relationship ended.
That breakup really hurt and sent him looking in the mirror because he knew the call was coming from inside his own house.
Oh, I like that, Todd.
All he knew for sure was that he was down for a while again.
But as he got back on his feet, he started asking his buddies and then strangers how a boy-girl thing really works for them.
The answers were different.
The stories had a lot of similarities.
It didn't seem to matter if you were a man, a woman, gay or straight, or what race.
The answer was always the same.
Our pickers were broken.
Sure, the relationships didn't work, but we were picking them.
Oh, most people have at least one story about bad choices.
Not just a bad one, Nider, but a real, I should have known better.
There's a month, a year, half my life, I'll never get backstory.
Some of these stories were funny.
Some were sad.
Most were both.
Todd thought he should write a book, change the names in the towns, but keep the laughs and the tears.
Now go enjoy the read.
And if you see yourself in some and some of them, you know you're not alone.
Oh, so there you go.
So 20 stories, a lot of similarities.
No matter if you're gay, straight, white, black, or purple, you're going to, I like when people say purple or purple, you will relate to these stories.
Wow, that's quite, first of all, you have quite a pedigree to write a book like this, Todd.
Fantastic.
And now, Todd.
I have to say, it sounds interesting to me.
It does sound interesting.
Now, tell me, now, is there a funny story in the book you want to share that would get people interested?
Or is there something funny that happened while you were putting this book together you want to share?
Or what do you think would make people want to read the book?
Well, all the stories have some laughs in, but one of my favorites is this woman that was Lulu is the name in the story, right?
That's her chapter.
But she's dating this dude.
And it is completely dysfunctional.
Like she's reading his emails because she knows his password, you know, that kind of craziness.
But I know, I know, I've been there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I literally haven't.
I literally, like, like, I would, I would honestly, if you need to look at my wallet or go through and check, then I'm not going to be here.
Right.
Either we're, I'm never going to, I've never looked in a woman's purse.
If she says it's just in my purse, I bring her the purse.
Oh, look at you.
I just, it's not my business.
I agree with you.
I think if someone's going through your diary or your email, that's a signal of something wrong in the relationship.
And, you know, you need to have a bedrock of trust to start a relationship.
Am I wrong about that?
Is that what you're saying?
Well, I will say I never, in Harry Met Sally, he's telling Bruno Kirby that his wife's having an affair, you know, and they're going to break.
And she's having an affair.
And Bruno Kirby goes, well, you know, infidelity is just a sign of something else wrong in the marriage.
And he goes, well, that something else is fucking my wife.
Oh, that's so funny.
And then they do the wave because it's a Giants game.
But so Lulu is in this guy's email and she finds out, interestingly enough, that this guy is into, well, I would say ladyboys, but in America, you would call it a transgender or okay.
All right.
So Lulu, Lulu finds this, right?
She finds this.
That her lover's into ladyboys.
And she doesn't know what to do, right?
She's in a pickle.
I'm not supposed to be looking at this stuff, but I now see it.
So she can't keep her mouth closed.
And she says, what's going on?
And at first, he tries the, I can't believe you're looking at my stuff stuff.
Yeah.
And that doesn't work.
And then he goes to.
That doesn't work.
No.
It doesn't.
But then he goes to this one.
I'm writing a movie.
I'm just doing research.
I'm writing a movie, right?
So, so she says, you've never written a movie before.
And he goes, I'm starting.
Why do you have to hurt my dreams?
What's wrong with me dreaming?
And it's so funny.
Go ahead.
Well, I find the balls of that argument just awesome.
That is a giant set of steel balls to just go, I'm writing a movie.
You've never written a movie.
Why do you have to shit on my dreams?
That is hilarious.
I got to tell you.
Oh, my God.
That's so funny.
And it's funny that.
He turns it on her.
Like, how dare you read my stuff then say I can't be a screenwriter?
You're 50.
You've never done anything in your life remotely.
Don't ruin it.
And I just love the fact that the first movie he wants to write is about ladyboys that he has to read.
It's not about something he knows about.
No, no, no.
I'm out on a limb.
I was going to write an astronaut thing, but it didn't feel right.
God, that's so.
So that's a great story.
That is in the book, My Picker is Broken by hilarious comedian Todd Sawyer.
So now, where can people get this book?
My Picker is Broken.
Well, I like people to buy it at Smashwords.com, but you can get it at Barnes and Noble.
It's an e-book.
It's only four bucks.
Oh, really?
Look at that.
Oh, this is great.
Yeah, so you can download it from every platform, Apple Books, everywhere, except for at Amazon.
We have to sell 2,000 copies to be on Amazon.
So we need Jimmy Doer's outreach program to get us some copies sold.
So, okay.
So, okay, so you sell a certain amount of copies.
It'll be available on Amazon.
But right now, I'll put a link over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Just click on Todd's name over there at the website, and it'll take you to Jimmy.
And Jimmy will get a kickback.
It's a deal.
It's a kickback.
I mean, we're in politics.
It's a political show.
It would be wrong.
No, I would.
If you didn't have a kickback.
No, no, that's quite all right.
I want you to get all the money from the book.
Todd Sawyer, the book is My Picker is Broken.
Grandpa married four times.
Dad married five times.
Now, you've had your heart broken twice, and he's got a new book called My Picker is Broken.
I recommend everybody go get it.
Go over to JimmyDoorComedy.com and you click on his name and it'll take you right to the buying the book.
How about that?
Jimmy, you're a champion.
Thank you so much for having me.
I really, you know, I've been a fan of yours ever since you said, come on, folks, I'm going lefty.
Ha!
Ah!
Nooo Hey, we're up against a break.
We'll be right back in one minute.
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Now let's get back to the second half of the show.
Hey, everybody, welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
We've got a great second half coming up for you on this New Year's show.
We're going to have some.
Harrison Ford calls in, gives us his New Year's resolutions.
We're going to hear our first phone call ever from Jeb Bush on the show.
And we're also going to hear, you know, the bass player Lemmy from Motorhead died.
Now, Motorhead, big band, big metal band, and he calls in from the dead.
So it's amazing, right?
So we're going to hear that plus a lot more coming up on the second half.
But right now, let's get to our New Year's resolution phone call from Harrison Ford.
All right, Jimmy, it's Harrison.
Let's get this thing over with.
Our New Year's resolutions should be easy.
One, never, under any circumstances, see Carrie Fisher ever again.
She's a crazy person, and personally, I liked her better when she was on drugs.
Also, she's so friggin' small, it creeps my shit out.
New Year's resolution number two.
Gonna stop smoking so much pot.
It's uh, it's it's strictly edibles for me now, from now on.
Gonna be tough waiting the 20 minutes for it to kick in, but you know, I'm getting older here.
I can't keep doing this to my throat.
Resolution number, I don't know.
No more crashing planes of crash three now, and I think that's enough.
I mean, it was fun and all, but I'm pretty sure it's time to put aside childish things on that one.
I don't know.
Maybe one more, but that's it.
I guess my last resolution, I think, that's here.
I'm going to let Callista try a little butt play on me.
I mean, she's always saying guys like it.
It makes sense.
I mean, you know, your press days back there and everything.
I figure I should broaden my horizons.
I don't know.
I'll just give it a shot and we'll see how it goes.
What's the worst that can happen?
I don't like it, and I feel a little gross for a day or two, I guess.
You know, it's not a big deal.
So, yeah, I think that's about it.
If I can think of any other resolutions, I'll call you or something.
So I'm going to go.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, now it's time for a look back for our first ever Jeb Bush phone call.
Hi, Jimmy.
This is Governor Jeb Bush.
Hell, hey, Governor.
How are you?
Not too shabby.
Not too bad.
Thanks for asking.
I just wanted to sort of check in with you and do the sort of due diligence required.
2016 candidates or, you know, at least the announced ones.
And touch base with you and sort of lay out my case for 2016 and let people know what Jeb Bush is about.
Well, this is great.
Governor Bush, we always like to ask, how will you differentiate yourself from all the other Republican candidates?
Well, that is a good question.
I'm glad you asked.
Obviously, I need to make sure not to over-accentuate my kind of muted Texan accent so as not to collide too much with Rick Perry and also not employ vocal fry as much as he does.
At the same time, not sound as high-pitched and serpentine and get cruise.
Governor, no, I meant as far as the issues and your stances on them.
Oh, I thought you meant the voice itself.
I mean, let's be honest, that's my main concern for the time being.
I'm getting squeezed a little too tight here.
Right.
But as far as the issues go, I think the American people want to see the conflict between the House of Bush and the House of Clinton resolved once and for all.
I mean, we've got this Lancaster versus York thing going on.
I really don't think the citizenry want to see some armed conflict like the War of the Roses.
I really don't think they do.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Wait, what?
And, Jimmy, it really just boils down to pedigree and legitimacy.
My father was President.
My brother was president.
Our grandfather was a senator.
There have been Bushes here and Cheney's since 1630s, Massachusetts.
Now, Bill Clinton wasn't even actually born into the House of Clinton.
He was adopted, which raises all sorts of pedigree issues.
But Hillary's line, the Rodhams, were successful textile merchants, but that raises the issue of whether middle-class gentry can be elevated to baronial status.
But, you know, 6-1 half-dozen the other.
The point is, the House of Bush simply has the strongest plane.
Fucking hell.
What in God's name are you talking about?
Well, look, Jimmy, I mean, I fully admit there are complicated issues here, and no one has all the answers.
But these are issues that the American people need to decide.
Degree of dissent from a common ancestor, consanguinity, questions of bastardy due to papal bulls and/or dispensation.
These sorts of things need to be decided once and for all.
And I think these are good debates to have, to be honest with you.
Because we have been at the mercy of a usurper for the past seven years in the White Tower or White House, and how the balance of nature has been thrown off by that.
I mean, Jimmy, we've all seen trees and shrubbery walking on their own accord through the store.
The sun shining at night and the moon during the day, peasants getting health care.
I mean, we've seen all these omens and portents, but not to mention harbingers that just show us the inappropriateness and foolishness of this Barack Othello being king, urban president.
Yeah, I don't even really know what to say here.
Governor, this is America.
We don't have royalty here.
We have founding documents that describe how our rulers will rule us.
Jimmy, of course, and I have great respect for the Magna Carta.
I mean, we just celebrated that Venerable Parchment's 800th birthday this very year.
And in fact, we had a little party and cake for it up at the Bush compound up in Kenny Bunkport.
And my mom, who is really sort of the comedian of the family, when we were cutting the cake, said dad should get to have the first piece.
He actually remembers when the Magna Carta was signed.
And Dad, who still doesn't miss a beat to this day, he said, hey, cut me some slack, Barb.
I was too young to remember.
Hilarious.
But all joking aside, I'm well aware that we cannot rule without the consent of the great nobles, prelates, and magnates of the realm, and that their property and estates are sacrosanct and cannot be taken away from them without due process, certainly not through minimal tax hikes.
And I solemnly abide by that principle.
As anyone who has watched my campaign knows, I have actively courted the support of these powerful men who are the pillars of our realm.
Are you literally boasting about groveling to the donor class in order to fill up your super packed coffers?
That's usually something candidates do, but they don't go around squawking about it.
Well, Jimmy, if anyone thinks they can rule without the nobles of the land, I'd like to see them try.
I see no shame in publicly acknowledging that I, for one, would personally support with my men-at-arms the great corporate interests overseas, as well as the crusading aspirations of the great Sir Sheldon Edelson.
I mean, I don't know if you watch the news, Jimmy, but the Saracens have once again retaken the great citadels, and we are going to have to deal with that, like it or not.
Okay.
Okay.
But what about the regular people?
Oh, you mean the commoners?
Yeah.
Well, Jimmy, I assure you, my paternal benevolence would match, if not surpass that of my Bush predecessors.
Oh, really?
That's why you're still opposed to raising the minimum wage or even abolishing the federal one, as I understand, Jimmy.
Look, you have to understand the economics of that.
By financially enabling the peasant class in such a way, it would conceivably provide them the means to untether themselves from the manner where they were born.
So you'd have families and young men moving en masse to the towns, and no one wants to see that sort of social disruption.
It would disturb the divinely ordained nature of things, and, and this is the important part, depopulate the great estates, impoverishing the very noble class that will have sworn personal fealty to me and whose interests I have sworn before God to uphold.
So clearly you can see the problems.
Okay, I guess we all see where you're coming from there.
Thank you, Governor.
Hey, no, no problem, Jimmy.
Definitely my pleasure.
I got to go, though.
Someone stole a goat from W's Ranch the other day, and all the suspects so far have drowned during the ordeal.
So we have a long way to go in this investigation.
Good thing we're all lawyers.
Jim Bush, ladies and gentlemen.
So I don't know if you're familiar with Motorhead Band or Lemmy Kilmeister, the front man and bass player, but he died recently at the young age of 70.
That's not that old.
He died of cancer.
So we got him on the phone, and here we go.
So do you?
I know you're dead and everything, but do people still have New Year's resolutions after they're dead?
Lemmy?
Hey, first of all, who are we talking to you?
Yeah, I know.
This is Jimmy Doer from the Jimmy Doer show.
This is Jimmy Dore from the Jimmy Door show.
We're still in the land of the living.
Oh, all right, fair enough.
We even know that, son.
So I wasn't a biggest motorhead fan, no, but you know, I think maybe some of the people who listen right off just a joke.
Yeah, I appreciate the joke.
Listen, what do you want to know?
I just want to know if you have any New Year's resolution.
But do people still make resolutions after you're dead?
I never saw the point of that one.
There's a lot of them.
What do you got to wait for?
January 1st.
You want to say something about your life.
What's so magical about a calendar setting?
I don't know.
It makes no sense.
Seems like a fool's errand.
Oh, so you're just.
Yeah, you're just more practical.
I'm just wondering what it is.
Hey.
Bye.
you you Thank you.
Thank you.
Suppose you're right.
So.
you don't change what you're doing.
You do what you do.
Now, I got to imagine as being a rock star, that's a pretty, everybody was always very envious of rock stars.
So when you die and go to heaven.
Well, that's what it is.
That's the funny season.
That's what a rock star is, a person who does what they want to do.
Yeah.
Isn't that what everyone wants, son of their life?
to do what they want to do?
They're supposed to go to school.
They're supposed to go to church.
They see these maniacs on stage doing what they want.
Yeah.
I figured out what it was when I was 12 years old, I wanted to rest my life.
Oh, really?
No regrets?
None?
None?
No regrets, Lemmy?
No.
What's the point of a regret?
What does that do for you?
Yeah, I mean, it weighs you down like a bag of stones.
Right.
These are emotions we're talking about.
They're not logical.
Well, I know what it means.
Oh, okay.
I don't have regrets.
I did all that I wanted to do, you know.
Yeah, I got it.
You're a rock and roll guy.
And you did just whatever you wanted to do.
And that's how you know you're a rock and roll guy because that's what they do.
I never heard anyone doing what I did, did I?
You never what?
I never heard anyone.
I don't know.
Did you ever hurt anyone?
No.
Okay, well, I have to take your word for it, I guess.
Yeah, you have no idea how do you?
Who you are?
Not really.
That's very clear.
It's very clear that I don't know.
I know your name is Lemmy, and you were in that band Motorhead.
That's right.
Yeah, so I've heard of Motorhead.
What was your favorite Motorhead song?
You know, I'd probably just say Sharpshooter.
Sharpshooter.
It was my favorite riff.
Yeah?
You did a riff on the guitar, did you?
I played bass.
Yeah, that's all.
A bass is also a guitar.
All right.
Yeah.
Yes.
You know, I'm right.
I got you.
You got me.
I might not know who you are, but I know you're not.
You did.
Well, listen, do you so- The white boy who kept listening to RB got Lemmy.
Yes.
So you don't have any resolutions.
But do we ask you, do people still make resolutions even after the dead or no?
You know, quite frankly, I've never spoken to anyone, yes.
Oh, really?
Oh, okay.
I'm not.
You're fresh?
I haven't acclimated some of the environments.
Oh, okay.
There's nowhere to fucking smoke here, you know.
Oh, it's got to be.
That sounds like hell.
It may be.
Yeah.
Well, it seems blackness.
That's their fault.
That's their fake out.
There's no heaven, there's no hell.
There's no God.
There's no devil.
But there's got to be something.
You're dead.
We're talking to you.
It is a bit of a quagmire, isn't it?
Right, yeah.
Something.
Something's going on, Lemmy.
Well, listen, I appreciate you taking time out of your afterlife.
And this has been a real treat.
And I look forward to people filling me in on your accomplishments.
I think that'd be a very good thing for you to hear about.
And I suggest you listen to Motorhead.
Okay, I'll go ahead.
50 years old isn't too late to grow a pair of balls.
Well, at least check out Hawkwind.
Hawkwind?
That was the band I listened before Motorhead.
Oh, okay.
All right.
That's not going to happen.
But thank you very much for getting.
Thanks for stopping it, Lemmy.
What kind of a name is Lemmy?
You know, that's what I my dad used to say when he wanted, he would say, let me see that hammer.
when we were working there, let me see that, let me...
He would say, Lemmy.
That was how I got my net name.
I can stool.
Oh, no kidding.
In Wales, I was always asking, you know, let me borrow five quid.
I don't have a lot of money.
You don't have much money growing up now.
Right.
And so I would, you know, let me borrow this semi-born, and that's what they said.
My birth name's Ian.
Oh, no kidding.
So Lemmy's just a made-up name.
It's a nickname.
It's the same thing with your father and his fucking hammer.
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
I mean, all names are made up when you think about it.
So anyway, well, that's great.
It said very interesting behind the scenes.
Look, Lemmy, Lemmy from Motorhead got his name because he used to say Lemmy all the time.
That's a God's own truth.
It's fascinating.
Anyway, I got, you know how my name is James, but they call me Jimmy because I used to break into cars.
That's not true.
It's a little humor, huh?
Funny, right?
I love jokes.
That's a good one.
What is it you do?
What is it that you do that you run up the flagpole every week and get people to salute it?
So what's your game?
Well, I, you know, I was a stand-up.
I'm a stand-up comedian.
I've been doing that for about 25 years professionally.
And it's fucking rock and roll on its own, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
So I also do a weekly radio show/slash podcast called The Jimmy Door Show.
And this is what this is.
You're on it right now.
A lot of times we have funny, we have a lot of celebrities call in, and you're one of them.
Ah, yeah.
What do you talk about?
What's the angle?
We talk, well, we're satirical, so we make fun of things, and we make fun of things like that.
And celebrities, and we make fun of the news and politicians.
It's mostly news and politics.
So you stick it to the Jesus people and the bankers and the liars.
Right.
The bankers, the liars, the hypocrites.
Yeah.
Well, Motorhand, do you have a lot in common?
Yeah, we fight the power, right?
That's exactly what we did.
So you fought the power?
As much as you can, you know, but that's what you're about, you know.
As much as you can.
Society tells you to do something.
They say, fuck you.
Get the middle finger.
You do?
I'm not going to do that.
I'm going to do what I want to do.
You do that.
All those people who tell you what you should be doing.
They're all hypocrites and liars themselves.
They're either fucking children stealing from old people.
So, Yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
So what was your record company that you were with?
Do you remember?
Or after you die, does that go away?
Well, we put up some studio albums at least.
You did?
Yeah, we started in 1975.
It was our first album, 77, somewhere now.
Oh, okay.
We're getting the label.
Shit, I've listened to a bunch of them.
Yeah, okay.
Well, I'm just saying it's hard to fight the power if you have to work for the man and if you're owned by a big conglomerate.
So my show airs on a public radio station, so I don't have that problem.
And my other show is the YouTube, right?
And so we're independent.
Plus, I write books.
Well, that's what it is now.
The international videos came out on YouTube.
No one watches.
MTV's not going to play us.
They never did.
No, MTV.
You get Las Vegas straight to the fans of what you do.
Oh, really?
Okay.
The internet's straight.
That's what you do, isn't it?
Yeah, I'm not, you know, I'm catching like every third word you're saying.
So, but I think what you're saying is that we're a lot alike.
Yeah, I think so, you know.
Yeah, that we do the same kind of thing that we give the middle finger to the man.
Yes, that's what it's all about.
That is what it's all about.
You do your own thing because at the end of the day, we're all blood brothers.
That's right.
Rebels.
Right.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, this has been great.
Maybe we should.
I'm a record for having sex with a thousand women.
That's a lot of women.
Yeah.
Now that I've done, I realize I probably could have done a few better.
Oh, really?
Well, you know, I guess it would be a regret.
I'm seeing here.
I'm looking you up online right now.
It said you had 22 studio albums.
That's a lot.
Well, that's what I said a few minutes ago, isn't it?
Yeah.
And also, you had nine live albums.
Wow.
And 34 music videos?
And they didn't play you on MTV?
You know, Early.
Early on these, you know, but it's not, they haven't played videos at all for the past.
Yeah, they don't.
Yeah.
Well, listen, now you're just sounding like a reasonable person and we're having a regular conversation.
So let's just end this and you enjoyed the afterlife.
And I'm sure we'll check in more often because I would, you know, it's good to maybe you could be like the ripped horn on the other side, right?
You could tell us what all the dead musicians are doing up there.
Yeah, Lemmy's support from Hades.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
Lizzie, you want to make a regular segment?
Yeah, maybe we should.
I mean, we sound a good idea.
Leslie, I'm going to say Ripped Horn things sort of played out.
Yeah, so maybe we go with Lemmy now, and he seems very, we seem very sympathetic, you and I. Yeah, I think we'd be fast friends if we'd known each other.
Yeah, if we'd known each other.
I don't know if I'd been crazy about your music per se, but I would have been crazy about the message.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, Lemmy.
We've been talking for 13 minutes.
Let's say goodbye.
All right, brother.
Don't put all of that into the premium content.
No, I'm going to put it all on the regular show.
Sounds good.
Okay.
Hey, did you enjoy the holiday show, our New Year's show?
Look at that.
We put out fresh episodes, Christmas, New Year's.
We're on public radio, but we're the hardest working people in the thing.
Okay, I hope you enjoyed it.
Hey, that's it for this week.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Robert Gasamura, Mark Van Landuit, Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Seth Samurano, Michael Schurzer.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
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