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Nov. 21, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
you Bye.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Jimmy Dore, Bill Riley.
Oh, hi, Bill.
How's it going, buddy?
And I am definitely not drunk.
Why are you not drunk, Bill?
And you may be asking, why is that, Bill?
Well, it just so happens I have a sexual harassment deposition tomorrow morning.
And my lawyer thinks it might be a good idea if I don't throw up during it.
Who's deposing you this time?
Because sometimes I throw up in the morning during my sexual harassment depositions.
It makes me seem like someone who is a disgusting sexual harasser.
Yeah, I can see where that could happen.
I understand you pinheads in that commie homo land seem to think that all Muslims don't need to take responsibility for, you know, that ISIS thing there.
Well, do you think all Christians need to take responsibility for the Ku Kuwaits Klan?
And I bet you're saying, do all Christians have to take responsibility for the Ku Klux Klan.
Can you even hear me, Bill?
And I say no.
Christians don't have to take responsibility for dick all, buddy boy.
Because our religion teaches tolerance and love and all that jazz.
Bill, are you...
It's just like I was telling one of these Islamic type guys I had on my show the other day.
Ackbar, I said.
Pretty sure the guy's named Akbar.
Ackbar, I said, what you guys need to do is push back your fezes and get to work on a Million Muslim March.
Trademark Bill O'Reilly 2015.
Yeah, I saw you said something like that.
Million Man March.
For those of you who don't remember the Million Man March.
I remember the Million Man March, Bill.
The Million Man March was the march organized by Brother Farrakhan, who, by the way, friend of the show.
You're friends with Louis Farrakhan?
If I could possibly get back to my gripping story.
Of course.
And even though the march fell pretty far short of its million man goal, the sight of that many black men scared the poop out of people such as myself.
Okay.
Then later there was a Million Mom March, which was a bunch of hippie-type moms for gun control.
Yeah, I remember.
I know.
And as a result of that gathering, all those broads got in their menstrual cycles and sink.
That's not what happened.
I'll tell you, or not, the sight of all that skirt in one place inspired me to sexually harass the entire crowd.
How do you even do that?
And now I think it's time for a million Muslim march on Washington to let these ISIS types know that peace-loving Muslims are roughly a million strong.
Bill, there are about 1.6 billion Muslims on the planet and around 3 million Muslims in this country alone.
Then that march should be pretty easy to get going there.
My point, Bill, is that it's incredibly unfair to blame the faith of over a billion people on the actions of a handful of people.
I know.
That's why they need a march to show people, you know, what you just said there.
But why should Muslims have to organize an event to demonstrate something which is self-evident?
And then once they're all one place, we can tag them with radio beacons and release them into the wild.
Okay, now I see what's going on.
Look, the Muslim people have no greater friend than Bill O'Reilly.
I just think they need to be studied.
What are their migration patterns?
Do they form packs?
Bill, that's one of the dumber things you've ever said.
Is it?
I mean, after all these years, we don't even know if Muslims hibernate in winter.
Bill, Muslims aren't another species.
I don't know, Jimmy.
I'm pretty drunk.
You just said you weren't drinking tonight.
I never said that.
What I said was I'm drinking a lot because I think it's a good idea.
That's not what you said, Bill.
For instance, I am now having some Chivis Regal in a vessel known as the boot.
If I finish it, it's free.
I think you might have a problem, Bill.
What are you, my mom?
You're gonna touch my penis, too, and claim I'm your real husband?
Oh, my God, Bill.
Go fuck yourself, fuckface.
Uh, Lura Lura.
Uh, Lura, shut the fuck up.
All right, that's Bill, all right.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for up-minded, low-in-law blackbeast.
The kind of people that are.
Helen Benz may be on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Right?
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I'm joined on the phone all the way from New York City.
You know him, you love him from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TP's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Hey, Frank.
Hello there.
Yay, good to hear your voice.
You have fun in Denver?
Yeah, I had a great show in Denver, and we're going to be at the in Cleveland this weekend.
Oh, no kidding.
Yeah.
We're at in Cleveland.
We're going to be at the Negative Space Gallery.
I like how it just falls right off your tongue.
The Negative Space Gallery in Cleveland.
So you can find out on my Twitter and Facebook and on my website.
You can find out all the info about that.
All right.
If I was in Cleveland, I would positively go down to the negative space.
Check out Frank Conniff and who are you doing it with?
Trace Bell You.
Oh, fantastic.
Also with me across the desk, a hilarious Japanese man.
It's Robert Yasimura.
Hey, Robert.
Ohio.
Also, next to her, a rec resident Latina from the Miserable Liberal blog, it's Steph Zemarano.
Hi, Steph.
Oh, hola, Jimmy.
I love my union.
Hola, also with us running the Bordelarius Committee, Michael Schertzer.
Michael, we had a great show last Saturday.
That's right.
You crushed it, Jimmy.
Everybody loved you.
Oh, thank you very much.
So, all right, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, you know what?
I'm a big fan of 70s sitcoms.
You know, there'd be no Laverne Shirley without Happy Days.
If anybody's old enough to know that, they would know that.
It's kind of like how there'd be no ISIS without the Bush Cheney administration.
Hey, Ben Carson's foreign policy.
He's talking about it.
It proves he is the one man to lead us through the post-World War III apocalyptic wasteland his presidency will unleash.
Hey, Trump hosted a reality show.
He built golf courses and he's got a clone named after him.
So obviously, he's the man to lead the fight against ISIS.
Am I right?
Trump wants to close mosques in America now because the best way to defend America is to do stuff that is completely un-American.
Am I right?
Trump vows that his deportation plan won't be bogged down by all that humanity and compassion that ruined Operation Wetback.
Closing mosques, only allowing Christian refugees.
Wow.
Republicans have a strong, bold plan for keeping America out of America.
Make sure you're a good Christian by saying Merry Christmas instead of happy holidays when you're turning away refugees.
Sorry, five-year-old Syrian orphans.
If we elect a GOP president, you'll just have to plan your terrorist attacks from outside the country.
It's called Adam and Eve, not Adam and Faisal.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm with you.
Come on.
This refugee crisis has inspired Republicans to remind everyone that America welcomes all faiths as long as they're Christian.
GOP's idea of safety is in America where it's hard for a Muslim to find a mosque, but easy for a terrorist to find a gun.
Jeb Bush says he only would admit refugees who can prove they're Christian.
Does giving thanks to God that his brother is no longer president?
Come on, am I right?
Come on.
Hey, Bobby Jindal has aborted his presidential campaign.
Ironically, huh?
It's kind of ironic because he's about bringing things to terms.
Bobby Jindal aborted his presidential campaign.
He has given his presidential campaign a much-needed shot in the arm by dropping out of the ring.
I bet he goes up in the polls.
I bet he does.
It really is the most positive thing he's done for his campaign.
Yes, I bet people will be so grateful they'll vote for him.
You know, as clinics begin to close in the South, women in Texas are inducing their own abortions.
Researchers fear that do-it-yourself pregnancy terminations will become more widespread if this trend continues.
This has made for some weird posts on Pinterest lately.
You were right, Michael.
I was wrong.
I know, Jimmy.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
Hey, we're going to take a look at the right wing response to the French massacre.
See what the...
We're going to talk about what Mr. Mayor Rudy Giuliani had to say.
Also, Geraldo Rivera Sage weighs in.
Plus, we have a couple of experts.
Shepard Smith is the voice of reason about France's 9-11.
Wow.
Also, Jeb Bush has a plan for who to let into the country.
The answer just may surprise you.
No, it won't.
Also, Glenn Beck is telling you how to freak out properly.
Plus, we have the French president won't refer to ISIS as ISIS.
Why?
The answer just may surprise you.
We're going to tell you coming up.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Bill O'Reilly, Peter King, and Jeb Bush.
Plus, a lot more.
today at the Gibby Door Show.
So you probably remember last year when the internet collectively shut down and told Washington to F off with those bills called SOPA and PIPA that dealt with copyright infringement and government surveillance.
Remember those bills?
Well, Wikipedia went dark.
So did Reddit and a bunch of other huge sites.
The effort was supported by Google and Twitter at the time.
And once it was clear that the tide of public opinion had turned, Congresspeople started switching their positions on the bill quicker than Ruli Giuliani could mention 9-11 in casual conversation.
Well, the contents of those bills just passed a vote in the Senate.
Our legislators ignored an open letter signed by nearly 70 cybersecurity experts who implored our Congress to reject the bill because it violates civil liberties.
Nonetheless, 74 senators, including California senators Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Bloodbath Boxer, voted yes.
Only 21 senators voted no and five senators abstained.
Among those five not courageous enough even to cast a vote, four are running for president on the Republican ticket.
A real display of their leadership abilities.
They include Ten Cruz, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, and Lindsey Graham.
Too busy raising a ruckus and sucking off donors to take a stand on freedom for the internet.
You want to know who was there to do their job and voted against that bill?
Senator Bernie Sanders was there.
Always on the right side of history, he is one of our country's most long-standing and vigilant defenders of freedom of speech and public access.
What's the difference this time, you ask?
Not all the corporations got on board to defend civil liberties.
They did not heed the call to action in the same way they did last year.
Some like Facebook likely lobbied for the bill, which provides immunities to corporations in the event of a data leak.
And others, like Google, tacitly supported by expressing like criticisms, but ultimately failing to take a position at all.
If Obama doesn't veto this bill, it will prove once and for all that he never cared about a free and open internet.
And if the way he's prosecuted whistleblowers at the Justice Department is any indication of how he'll act, I can't imagine him doing anything other than signing.
He may issue a statement like when he codified indefinite detention and suspension of habeas corpus.
You know how he's troubled.
He's got some reservations.
He really doesn't want to do this, but he's got no other choice than to take away freedoms that have been put in place since the 1200s.
But make no mistake about it, this bill protects him.
It protects the intelligence community, the telecoms, and the anti-piracy cabal at the RIAA and the MPAA.
The only group made less safe by this bill is the average internet user, the customer, the person paying for the entire thing to run.
The internet is the last refuge for the activist.
It's the one place where people can organize, amplify their voice, and connect with people across the world.
The government knows this.
They are scared, and they want to take it away and effectively neutralize our ability to protest and petition our government for redress grievances.
Our sources of news will be restricted.
Our ability to intake media will be diminished.
And then one day, even our precious access to catfit eels will be denied.
But by then, Frank, it will already be too late.
No.
you So I don't know if you guys have been watching.
The right wing has it all figured out.
Barack O. By the first of all, this attack in France, While 9-11 was not George Bush's fault, the attack in France definitely is President Obama's fault.
Wow, interesting.
So I was watching Chris Hardball on MSNBC because I like the liberal point of view.
And so he brought on Mr. Mayor, Rudolph Giuliani, because I don't know if you know Rudolph Giuliani is such a genius when it comes to terrorism that he went against the experts' advice and he put the terrorism headquarters in the bottom of the World Trade Center that had already been bombed previously instead of putting it in Brooklyn like they were telling him to.
Because it was more convenient for him.
Because it was more convenient for him to have it there.
And that's why he had to walk around Manhattan with a mask over his face instead of being in command central.
And that's why I've so he screwed up and he got praise for it.
Sure.
Sure.
That's why he was walking around with a mask because he didn't have an office to go to like he was supposed to.
Okay, so Chris Hardball brings him on.
Honey, Mr. Mary, thanks for joining us.
Your reaction to this, just off the what you've been thinking about all weekend.
Oh, sure.
I've been very sad all weekend.
Friday night and Saturday was.
Because I was like, damn, I wish this could have happened here, and then I could have maybe resurrected a presidential run out of it.
It was tough.
I mean, emotionally, living through to see another president get all the attention during an attack.
And really, that mayor of Paris, he's not as cool as me.
September 11 reminded me so much of it, and I thought we had put this behind us.
He thought we had put this behind us.
You mean during these 14 years of war?
You think he thought Obama got rid of it?
And of course we haven't, and I think it's worse now.
Now he thinks it's worse.
He went from thinking it was behind us, now he thinks it's worse.
Than it was then.
There's no doubt this, in my view, Kristen, this should not have happened.
You know why it happened?
You know why it happened?
I bet.
I'm going to bet it's because Barack Obama, I bet.
But thanks, Obama.
Now, we should have remained in Iraq.
That was my position when I ran for president.
We should have remained in Iraq, which was his position when he ran forward.
So was he criticizing George Bush for signing the agreement that took us out of Iraq?
No, he's not.
He's only criticizing Barack Obama for following through on Bush's previous agreement to take us out of Iraq.
So, yeah, so here we go.
So he said he would keep us in Iraq, and that would kept this from happening.
I don't care about public opinion.
He doesn't care about public opinion, and public opinion doesn't care about you, Rudy.
That's why you and McCain were not elected president.
Yet you and Matthew still think we should take advice from an unelected and the unelectable.
I think his platform was: I don't listen to the people.
Yeah, I think that's what it was.
I don't care what you think.
Vote for me.
Care about the national security of the United States.
We should have.
He says, I care.
I don't care about public opinion.
I care about the national security.
If you really care about national security, you would never have supported the Iraq invasion, knucklehead.
And think how safe we would have been if, as he proposed, his mobbed buddy, Bernie Keeper, Bernie Carrick, had been made head of Department of Homeland Security.
Yeah, the guy who, by the way, convicted felon.
Convicted felon, mobbed up.
3,000 troops in Iraq.
And if we had had them there consistently, ISIS never would have emerged.
If we would have had our troops in Iraq consistently, ISIS would have never emerged ever.
Why is that?
We would have picked that information up immediately.
A vacuum wouldn't have been left.
We would have picked up that information.
A vacuum wouldn't have, we would have picked up that information because we'd had soldiers over there.
We would have known they were going to attack it because that's the problem.
There's not enough surveillance happening.
That's the problem.
John McCain warned five years ago: we've got to go in.
We've got to go into Syria.
We've got to close this vacuum.
And we let ISIS emerge.
And then we have the president saying the day before this happened, that ISIS was contained.
He's getting bad intelligence, Chris.
Right.
Well, we have a problem.
Yeah.
Oh, it's the president.
Really good challenge and pushback from Chris Matthews there.
Yeah, that's really Giuliani maneuvering to be Hillary Clinton's running mate.
I love how he says, reminding me of 9-11, I thought we put this behind us, which is odd since Rudy has been exploiting 9-11 in front of us ever since.
He's made a fortune off of 9-11.
That's a fact.
Yes.
He started a consulting agency based on his fame, and he's made millions upon millions of dollars.
If we would have stayed in Iraq, there would have never been an ISIS.
The reason we have ISIS is because we went into Iraq.
It's because we went into it in the first place.
If we would have never went into Iraq.
And he says this.
What's happening now is the result of disastrous foreign policy decisions made by the Bush administration and supported by people like Chris Matthews.
Yes, and here's what Julie wants to do.
So this is Chris Matthews actually pushes back just a teensy bit here.
Listen.
It helps them.
They are radicalized.
They put up the posters.
We kill them.
And when they kill us, they get confidence building.
How do you kill?
So he's saying it helps them if we go over there.
I couldn't believe I heard Chris Matthews say that.
He said it helps them because it's a confidence builder for them and that they get to fight us.
What is basically an ideology?
These people are French.
They live in France.
They live in Belgium.
They may live in the United States.
They attack in Beirut.
They attack.
They bring down a Russian airplane in Sharm al-Sheikh.
They're not the same group.
It's not like a gang.
They're everywhere.
How do you find them and kill them?
From September 11, 2001, after that attack, that was Al-Qaeda until 2008.
We were pretty darn safe here.
Yeah, that's the old, we were pretty safe, except for that one time.
That's the old.
We were pretty damn safe.
Except, remember that one time?
Yeah, that one time doesn't count.
That one time was pretty bad.
Yeah, that one time, you had the worst attack ever in the history of our country.
Except for that, we were pretty darn safe.
And we had him on defense.
We had them on the defense.
We had 100,000 troops in Iraq.
We had 30 or 40,000 troops.
You know, we had 100,000 troops in Iraq.
You know, that country that didn't attack us?
It was in Afghanistan.
They didn't have the time to figure out how to come and attack us.
Yeah, now that everything is super calmed down over there in the Middle East, they've got time on their hands to plan French attacks.
What we've got to do is keep them busy.
Give them some board games.
Everything he's saying is complete BS that you could easily debunk.
And Chris Matthews lets him say it.
Hang on, he's got more to say.
He's got more to say.
Because we had him on a run.
Plus, here's the thing we're missing.
And the director of the CIA should know this better than I do.
The CIA can't get that much information.
CIA is small.
When you have 50 or 60,000 troops in a country, you get a lot of intelligence.
You find out about ISIS and ISIL and breakoffs and spin-offs.
So he's saying that what we need to do is send 60,000 troops.
So if we send the population of Des Moines back over to Iraq, and hey, what's our mission?
Keep your ears open.
That's it.
Talk.
Just listen.
That's weird.
I thought he was pitching a TV pilot when he said spin-offs.
It sounded like it.
Just listen.
So, wait, what am I supposed to do as a troop?
Go into the barber shop and get a haircut.
Just listen to what they're rapping about.
Act like you're just getting a sandwich and listen.
I got information about the group that wouldn't exist if we weren't here in the first place.
Yeah, keep listening to that group.
Germany, for all those years during the.
Well, here, this is my favorite.
So, Chris Matthews does push back a little bit on this.
Watch.
And breakoffs and spin-offs.
Why did we have troops in Germany for all those years during the Cold War?
Why do we have troops in South?
To Fight the Soviets.
That's why we had them to fight the Soviets.
It was like, what are you talking about?
To fight them?
Not to fight the Germans.
What?
I know.
To fight someone that might come over the border and try to kill us.
Yeah, but nobody came over the border in France to try to.
There were people inside France, people.
How shaken up was Rudy Giuliani when he got fact-checked?
He got fact-checked almost accidentally.
Have people in those parts of the world where there are people who want to kill us, and we should be getting information, we should be containing them, we should be staying on top of them.
And the president of France should invoke Article 5 of the NATO Treaty and bring all of us in, not just us, us and all the NATO members, our proportionate share, and we should do what Dianne Feinstein said.
We should destroy them.
You do not, you do not temper a bully by playing.
Okay, what do we do?
Because we're not a bully in the Middle East.
I was trying to figure out who's the bully.
I was thinking that Visas is the bully in this situation.
You don't temper a bully.
You just destroy them, guys.
Yes, I love how he goes, we should have people in parts of the world where people want to kill us.
You mean like France?
That's where we should have troops.
We should put troops in France and Belgium.
Is that where you want to put troops?
Because there's people who want to kill us there.
Guess what?
People want to kill us in England.
So we put up some of our troops in England.
Listen, we have been doing a military solution for a problem that clearly isn't a military issue for 15 years, roughly.
Straight.
But we're pretty sure it's going to work eventually.
So here's Geraldo Rivera, and he says this.
I got a text.
This is from right at that night as the attacks were happening.
It's from Bernie Carrick.
He got a text from Bernie Carrick.
I got a text from Bernie Carrick, the former police commissioner, dear friend of mine.
And convicted felon.
Who said, what a colossal failure of intelligence that something of this magnitude, this is a major, major operation.
I love the way people like Geraldo Rivera, who, you know, is a sociopath.
He, you know, they make it out like this is something that should have been caught.
The amazing thing, I mean the amazing thing is that this shit does not happen all the fucking time.
That is exactly right, Robert.
I am so shocked.
We're going to get back to our discussion, but right now we got a phone call from God.
Joining us on the phone now is God.
God, thanks for stopping by.
Hey, Jimmy, great to be here.
Oh, God.
You know, it always throws me when I talk to you because you sound just like Frank Conniff.
I can sound like anyone I want, Jimmy.
I know you can, but please don't.
It freaks me out.
I can sound like Robert Yasimura if I want to.
I know.
Please cut it out.
I can sound like a miserable liberal Mexican.
You are not a nice God.
I can even sound like you, Jimmy, if I really want to.
Okay, please stop this, God.
And can we please just talk and go back to sounding like Frank Conniff, please?
Jimmy, before we start, I need you to take a test to prove you are a Christian.
Oh, you mean like Jeb Bush saying that only refugees who are provable Christians will be allowed into America?
Yes, and there is a home Christianity test, you can say.
Did you know that?
I did not know that.
There's a home Christianity test.
What's that?
Yes.
Well, what you do is you just bring the test into the bathroom, and then you'll know for sure you're a Christian if your pee turns into wine.
Wow, I didn't know about that.
Tell me, when your pee becomes wine, can you drink it?
Yes, in fact, it goes great with a shit sandwich.
Well, I'm not interested, and I'm not a Christian anyway, so I don't have to prove it to you.
But, God, I wanted to talk to you about the events of this past week.
I know where you're going with this, Jimmy.
And once again, I have to remind people that I'm not responsible for every awful thing that happens in the world.
So, let me just state unequivocally, it's not my fault that Charlie Sheen is HIV.
That's not what I was going to ask you about.
Well, good, because there is nothing funny about HIV.
So, in that sense, it's just like two and a half men.
Ooh, sick burn there, God.
But what I wanted to talk to you about was what happened in Paris.
How many times do I have to tell you people I am not the one who causes tragedies?
And I have nothing to do with the wonderful things that happen either.
Everything that happens on your planet is the result of the free will of humans.
And granted, that really sucks because humans are often assholes.
So you're saying that you don't meddle in the history of the human race?
No, I'm forbidden.
Just like Superman in that first Christopher Reeves Superman movie.
But then he made the globe spin backward and completely changed history just to save Lois Lane, which he wasn't supposed to do, and there were never any consequences.
So I think that was a real flaw in the screenplay.
Although I must say it was way better than Man of Steel.
Jeez, I hated that.
But I do like that new Supergirl series.
Jeb Bush is right.
That chick is hot.
God, you're kind of going on a tangent here, but I'm interested in the fact that you're not responsible for stuff that happens on Earth.
No, I'm not.
Although I will admit that sometimes I like to fuck with people.
Like when?
Well, like I told Scott Walker, Bobby Jindal, and Rick Sand, and a few other GOP candidates to run for president.
Those were just prank calls on my part.
Sometimes I'm less like a holy deity and more like the jerky boy.
But what about Donald Trump?
Did you tell him to run?
No, and he's doing much better than even I thought he'd do.
He's the reason why there's been a spate of building construction up here lately.
Why?
Because you're trying to be more Trump-like?
No, because if he's elected president, we need to be ready for the refugee crisis of mass amounts of dead humans pouring into the afterlife.
Well, God, I appreciate you checking in with us.
Thanks very much.
Say, what's the word on that new Jessica Jones series on Netflix?
Think I should check it out?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Thanks for joining us, God.
All right, that was God.
Hey, coming up in the second half, we got a lot more to that conversation about the right wings freak out over Syrian refugees and the French terrorist attacks.
We'll get back to that.
Plus, we got phone calls from Jeb Bush and Peter King, but that's coming up after the break.
We'll be right back in one minute.
This is the Jimmy Dore show on Pacifica.
Hey, I got an email recently from a listener who was in Paris, France, during the attacks.
And he said that he had just gotten done listening to a Jimmy Door show earlier that day.
They'd gone to a concert.
Next thing they know, people are getting shot everywhere.
And people are being shot around him.
He said he didn't get shot.
He doesn't know how he escaped it, but he chalks it up to the karma, the good karma he got from using the Jimmy Door Amazon box over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Now, whether that's true or not, I don't know, but it can't hurt, right?
So if you're going to buy something from Amazon.com anyway, you know, we don't encourage people to shop at Amazon, but if you're going to shop there anyway, why not have some of that money go to a good cause like the Jimmy Door show?
So the next time you want to buy something from Amazon, please think about the Jimmy Door show.
Swing over to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on our Amazon box.
It's right on the front page.
And when you buy something from Amazon, they send us money.
It's just that easy.
It doesn't cost you anything.
Doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon, but it's a big help to help supporting the show.
So thanks, everybody, who already does that.
Now, let's get back to the second half of the show.
Welcome back to the second half of the Jibby Door show.
We got a lot coming up in the second half.
Phone calls from Jeb Bush, Congressman Peter King call in.
But right now, we're going to rejoin our conversation that we were having about the right-wing freakout to the Syrian refugees and the Paris-France terrorist attacks.
I'm joined in the studio by Frank Conner from Mystery Science Theater 3000, comedian Robert Yasamura from the Miserable Liberal at Steph Saburano and Michael Schertzer.
You know, they say, you know, we're going to get back to this, but I just want to say very quickly: how many million Muslims are living in America?
Around three million.
Three million.
You would think if that was such a radical ideology and it would make people go crazy, that they would be doing terrorist attacks all the time.
There's three million of them living here right now.
But that doesn't happen.
Isn't that weird?
So, so I guess these ISIS guys are a special kind of Muslim, right?
They're crazy, special, crazy kind, right?
They're bizarre.
They're a bizarre organization because they're not only Islamists, they're jihadists.
Yes, which is very strange.
So there are 1.7, there's like two, two billion, isn't there two billion Muslims in the world?
No, it's about 1.7.
1.7 billion.
You would think there'd be a lot more stuff like this happening anyway.
But how many Christians are there in the world?
Because they just do pretty much nice things.
Christians are still the...
It'd be like if the Westboro Baptist Church had like AK-47s in and then you blamed all Christians for it.
FYI.
They do.
So somebody tweeted signs.
So Stephen King tweeted that out.
He said, you know, blaming all Muslims for what happened in France is like blaming all Christians for the Westboro Baptist Church.
It's a close enough analogy, I think.
Yeah, it's about right.
Yeah, yeah.
And but yet there's people who do that want to do that.
But by the way, the point I was making was that to say that they should have caught this is insane.
I agree.
It is just insane.
Like the fact that they catch anybody before anything happens is amazing.
It's amazing, right?
So at the very least, it proves that the surveillance state isn't working to the degree that they say it is because it's not protecting them from this attack.
I wonder what the surveillance is like in France, right?
Because they're state of the art.
They're one of the five eyes.
Are they like we all are they breaking all their Christmas for sure?
There's no okay.
There's no so get so get this so we're I'm watching um this is in real time the night that it's happening or the next night, right?
No, it's the evening Friday.
So this guy on MSNBC, this NBC reporter, he's in France and he says this.
In France, and he also wants to.
So he's talking about the president gave a speech that night and France and which, by the way, was one of the more reckless speeches I've ever heard.
Well, you know, he had to go out there and save his political as ass, right?
He couldn't be seen as being anything except a rabid maniac who wanted to kill these people.
He had to be seen like that, right?
It was the Mike Dukakis moment.
He couldn't say, well, we have to be measured.
He had to go, hey, we're going to kill.
So he did that.
But I think he should have done it in a more responsible way.
Here, let's listen.
Military presence stepped up.
And to that end, France's aircraft carrier is this week.
France's aircraft carrier.
Do they have one?
Yeah.
They are actually the only other NATO nation that has a nuclear aircraft carrier.
Them, and then China has one.
We have 11.
Yeah.
And it's not that effective with missiles, but the pastries are great.
Heading closer to Syria and Iraq.
And from that aircraft carrier, French warplanes will launch more raids like we saw in the last 24 hours, 12 warplanes attacking the French, sorry, the ISIS stronghold of Raqqa, Syria, dropping around 20 bombs.
So France wants to step up its military campaign against a threat here.
And I suppose many people asking, however, how will more raids in Raqqa stop ISIS on the streets of Paris?
So that right there in real time, he brings it up.
How are we bombing Raqqa going to stop these people from having guns at a theater in France?
That's a good question.
So here, so you hear everybody saying, so all the Republican candidates and all the right-wingers, they all, without missing, they all said we have to have a no-fly zone in Syria.
Right.
Except for maybe Rand Paul.
Let me say it.
Let me give that caveat.
So they all say we have to have Raldo Rivera said we have to have a no-fly zone.
Rudy Giuliani said every time you get a right-winger to talk about it, they say we have to get a no-fly zone.
Which, by the way, is the same play that they did in Libya.
Right.
That's it.
Same playbook.
So here, so Chris Hayes.
And by the way, ISIS doesn't have planes.
Just well, here, Chris, Chris, so Chris Hayes brings out an expert.
And why is a no-fly zone not the best idea that every single right-winger has been saying?
Why is that a dumb idea?
It's something that many Republican candidates have advocated, and Hillary Clinton seems to essentially endorse.
Hillary Clinton also endorsing a no-fly zone in Syria.
So everybody, so you got the.
I think she might be endorsing it for the more appropriate reason of we don't want Assad killing his own people.
That's the main reason why she's advocating for it.
I think that Ted Cruz is advocating it for it because he's a goddamn moron.
So here's what this expert says.
Would that help?
Is that a good idea?
No, the no-fly zone wouldn't help at all because ISIL, which is the main enemy, doesn't have airplanes.
So there you go.
There you go, right there.
Not really the best thing.
It would be nice if a news person would bring that up the next time somebody said that on television, that we should have a no-fly.
It would be nice to go, you know, they don't have our airplanes.
Yeah, but.
It would be very expensive.
You'd need thousands of ground troops enabled to do it.
So you'd need to have a no-fly zone requires thousands of ground troops being inserted into Syria.
And why is that a bad idea?
And it would get you involved in the Syrian civil war, which is really not a threat to us.
There you go.
Couldn't be Syria, Syrian civil war, not a threat to the United States whatsoever.
Why are we over there bombing?
First of all, isn't it amazing that a couple years ago, Barack Obama wanted to bomb Assad because he said he was gassing his own people.
So he wanted to bomb them.
Then it turns out when we actually do start bombing, we start bombing Assad's enemies.
So it's again, it's crazy.
We're bombing ISIS over there.
ISIS is fighting against Assad.
Any one of these Republican presidential candidates would and they've said it and they bragged about it, they would do they would immediately do something incredibly reckless that would be worse than Iraq.
So here's what there is no way Syria works out well for anybody.
Nobody is going to dip their toe in that thing and come out the better for it.
No one.
So here's what Geraldo Rivera says that we should do.
This was that night and he was on with Shep Smith.
George Stephanopoulos, the ISIS are contained.
So President Barack Obama went on Good Morning America with George Knuffle up against that morning of the attacks and he said that ISIS is being contained, right?
What is he supposed to say?
We're losing?
What is he supposed to say?
It's being contained.
And then they pulled off a terrorist attack.
You can pull off a terrorist attack even if you're contained on the battlefield.
Which, by the way.
I'm sure that's what he meant.
They're being contained on the battlefield, but you can do terrorism anywhere you want.
It's the same rhetoric that they used for communist containment.
Yes.
So here's what Heraldo is.
Contained.
And I'm telling you, everybody's making fun of Donald Trump, bomb the shad out of them is what his plan is.
It is time for half measures with ISIS.
This is an editorial.
Time for half measures with ISIS are over.
Yeah, because you know how we've been pulling our punches over in the Middle East.
We've been pulling our punches over in the Middle East for quite some time.
Heraldo's right.
Enough of this ninny-minnie stuff.
We got to get serious.
Maybe we should invade a country or something that didn't have anything to do with this attack.
So close to home now.
This is so close to home now.
It's still at an ocean awareness.
Where do you live?
But it's white people.
Yeah, just white people.
And his daughter was in Paris.
Yes.
Do you live in the Galapagos Islands?
What do you mean this is...
What kind of doors does he have?
I don't know.
He's got a door that has a plane attached to it.
Oh, that openness has been taken advantage of by ruthless murderers who have wreaked havoc, who have, we don't know how many are dead yet, how many are wounded.
It's always worse than you hear it is.
That's exactly always wrong.
That's great reporting.
By the way, that's not true.
The number is actually always lower.
In the case of 9-11, the actual numbers, as horrific as they were, were much lower than people said they were going to be.
And in the case of this Paris attack, that was true, too.
So here's what he has to say.
You probably know, Sam.
But, you know, thank God you weren't there the way they butchered those people one after the other.
These are savages that cannot be ignored nor contained.
They have to be destroyed.
And the United States has to recognize, as unsavory as it is, I've been covering this damn war for 14 years.
I don't want to go back, but it's...
That's what we really need.
What we really need is a little more bombing.
Actually, a lot more bombing because I'm sick of us just doing a little bombing like we have.
We have to really stop doing our half measures of, you know, invading foreign countries that didn't attack us, killing hundreds of thousands of people, innocent babies.
That's when, you know, when you hear the word collateral damage, they mean babies and women.
That's collateral damage, right?
So that's what we need to do more of that.
We need to then order torture to cover it up.
And then we need to step, maybe we need to open up in another country a prison camp that is a torture facility called Guantanamo Bay.
Maybe you mean like we need to do that?
What is he saying?
And then pepper in some drone strikes.
Yeah.
Death from the air.
And then we need to drone strike some wedding parties.
We need to do some double taps on those wedding parties that Private Manning let us know.
That's how the Americans.
Obama is no peace, Nick.
You remember those half measures, Frank, that Private Manning told us about, how when we would, when from a helicopter gunship, we would kill a bunch of people, mostly reporters.
And then when the Red Cross or the ambulance would come to pick them up, they would kill them.
That's called a double tap.
That's a war crime.
Private Manning let us know that our government does that as a matter of policy, which is why they tortured him for a year.
Them or us.
It's ISIS or us.
It's ISIS or us.
That's how he sums it all up.
It's them or us.
This is the false choice of all.
This is it.
And so here's what Shep Smith says back to that.
I agree with you 100%.
Here's what Shep Smith says back to that.
We must stop Saddam Hussein.
Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction.
Not to do so could risk a mushroom cloud, yellow cake from Niger.
We must.
Well, we did.
Now on the heels of what has happened today, we must, we must go.
And yet the first thing we ever learned about ISIS is ISIS said, we want your troops on the ground here.
We want to fight you for if we fight you, we win, because all we have to do is fight you to get all the troops from all over the world to come and join in the caliphate.
So, and here is Geraldo's Rivera's response to that.
I agree with you 100%.
In Saddam Hussein's case, we didn't have the evidence.
In this case, the smoking gun is apparent to one and all.
We know where the bullet was fired from.
We know where it hit.
And now it is incumbent on the president of the United States and both sides of the aisle to review the effort.
There was a terrorist attack in another country.
And it's not America.
And you think it's incumbent about the president of the United States to take this upon himself.
First of all, how demeaning is that to France, right?
You can't handle your own terrorism.
Shepard Smith's point was you and people like you and people at this network were saying the same stupid shit 15 years ago that you're saying now, and we shouldn't make that same mistake over again.
And they're saying this the day of the attack, right?
Yes, this is the day.
And Shepard Smith's all about, you know, and we rushed into all this, and now Geraldo says, well, in this case, it's okay to Russians.
Yes.
And he makes the point.
Do you know, Osama bin Laden wanted was America to overreact to those attacks?
And we did.
We're still there.
We're going to be there for another generation.
We ain't never leaving Afghanistan.
We went and we attacked Iraq.
We're still there 14 years.
Now we're going back to Syria.
We ain't never getting out of the Middle East, right?
And that's exactly what they want.
They want us over there because they can't attack us over here.
That's the whole point.
They can't come over here and attack us militarily.
The most they could do is a random terrorist attack over here, like they did in France.
And guess what?
France is not knuckling under to the pressure of terrorism.
You take what those people are are murderers.
And you take, when you change the way you live because of a murderer, then you change that murderer into a terrorist.
You have the power to take that terrorism title away from ISIS.
But everybody in America, all our pretend tough guy right-wingers, want to go ahead and do exactly what ISIS wants us to do, which is send troops over there, send our military over there.
That's exactly what the military-industrial complex Wants, by the way.
Believe me, nobody was happier about having a Cold War than the military-industrial complex.
And nobody is happier than having people.
We need a constant enemy.
And the enemy always has to be worse than the last enemy.
They're always worse than the last enemy.
My God, now Saddam Hussein looks like Mother Teresa compared to Al-Qaeda and ISIS.
He was just killing some people in his own place just for regular reasons.
And Geraldo believes because his daughter was in danger overseas, you have to send your kids overseas to be in danger instead.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't feel safe in the homeland if there aren't boots on the ground in the Middle East.
In the Middle East.
So here, I just think that's the craziest thing.
The president of the United States, there's a terrorist attack in France, so it's up to our president.
Where do you go to fight them?
You go to their lands to fight them in the middle of their civil war.
I think we first, I know where their capital is.
They advertise it all the time.
It is Raqqa and Syria.
I know the city of Mosul.
I was almost killed, Craig and I and Greg Hart almost killed in Mosul.
Our car got hit 14 times.
I know where Mosul is.
I know where they are.
They are bragging on this.
They are unleashing Sunni Muslim extremism that will not stop.
The Atlantic Ocean will not stop them.
I think we have to do something very aggressively, importantly, diligently, patriotically stupid.
That's what we need to do.
Something diligently, patiently, patriotically stupid.
Conscientiously.
Stupidly, Jimmy.
Stupidly.
For the people of the United States in the free world.
We have to do it.
Did you notice?
Did you notice how he got all Brian Williams there for a few weeks about his almost getting killed?
Yes, he almost had one of those moments.
So here, I want to read this to you.
Oliver Willis posted this on Twitter.
Intervening directly in Syria, former Carner terrorism officials say would enmesh Washington and its partners in a costly new Middle East war that would generate fresh recruits for the Islamic State.
The United States and its allies are totally unprepared for the gargantuan task of rebuilding and administering devastated territories seized from the extremists, they added.
So let's say we do what he said and go to Raqqa and go to Mosul and we bomb it.
So we have to then rebuild those places.
And he's saying, let's say we liberate Mosul tomorrow, the Brookings Institute scholar Bruce Riddell said, a former CIA analyst and a White House advisor, referring to the northern city in Iraq conquered by the Islamic State last year.
What are we going to put there in its place?
Moves in Congress to ban the United States from taking Syrian refugees, provoked by unconfirmed reports that one of the Paris attackers entered Europe in a flood of migrants from Syria also played directly into the Islamic State's hands, experts say.
Experts say.
Experts say that us freaking out over Syrian refugees plays directly into the Islamic State's hands.
A ban would fuel resentment and alienation among Muslims in Europe and North America, potentially advancing the Islamic State's goal of fueling an ultimate confrontation between Islam and the West.
That's what they want.
And all these morons who go on Twitter and Facebook and they call people who are against Western imperialism, they call us progressives.
That's what you're doing.
You're so smart.
You're doing exactly what they want.
You're as smart as a neocon.
You sound like Dick Cheney because that's how smart you guys are being.
You're doing exactly what Osama, Dick Cheney did exactly what Osama bin Laden wanted.
But guess what?
That's exactly what the military industrial complex wants.
That's why they gave Dick Cheney a $30 million down payment when he became vice president.
Here, here's our down payment.
Halliburton gave it to him, and they got billions in profits for that $30 million down payment.
And that's how dumb people are being.
Hey, let's overreact again.
Let's go kill.
And it's nice because they're not white people doing all the killing.
They look, they're darker than us.
They're the other.
They have a different religion, even though they've bastardized their religion.
And the majority of Muslims, overwhelmingly, don't subscribe to that kind of Islam that they do, and they condemn it.
That's it.
I don't know.
Anybody else have anything?
I'll end it.
I mean, I have a lot more to say.
You know, look.
So, Chris Hayes, who we've beaten up a lot on this show, and rightfully so, he tweeted out a series of tweets, which I'm going to read to you right now, which were fantastic.
He's in France right now, Christopher Hayes.
And he says, really striking how different the political conversation here in France is as opposed to the U.S. In the U.S., it's all about the refugees.
But in France, that hasn't been at the center at all.
In fact, the president of France announced that France would take 30,000 more refugees in today.
Wow.
That's because everyone in France is well aware that the attackers back in January and now, meaning Charlie Ebdo, that the attackers back in January, and now these attackers are French and Eastern European nationals.
There's not just some faucet you can turn off and everything will be okay.
So those were great tweets by Chris.
That was really fantastic.
And that's a good, that's why you need to have reporters on the ground.
That's why you need to have a reporter over there so he can figure this stuff out.
That was fantastic.
Yeah, and I have trolled Chris Hayes on Twitter, and yet he retweeted me this week.
No kidding.
What was the tweet he retweeted?
He retweeted the be sure to say Merry Christmas instead of happy holidays when you're turning away refugees.
Wow.
So he didn't even block you and you told him to go fuck himself.
But this, he did.
I did literally tell him to go.
But this is the good news for me that I'm very excited about.
And I know this already happened to you, Jimmy, but I just found out yesterday that Chuck Todd has blocked me.
Ah!
you you you So Jeg, so Jeb explanation point.
He was asked about what we should do about the refugee crisis.
Thank God.
Do refugee crises.
Did they get to him after they got to Bristol Palin on that question?
Mike McCrae tweeted, Alabama took in Nazi refugees after World War II.
Not refugees from Nazi-ism.
Actual Nazis, Nazi scientists.
And they were here.
And when they were here, they developed our space program.
Operation Paperclip.
Actual Nazis.
Google it, folks.
Google it.
Okay, so we haven't always been.
Oh, and we also turned away a lot of Jewish refugees just before the Holocaust, even though we knew that's what was happening because we're winners.
My man Oliver Willis also tweeted out, if only we had a seasonally appropriate story about Middle Eastern people seeking refuge, being turned away by the heartless.
So let's talk about the – Jeb Explanation Point has an idea.
He was asked what we should do with the – Which clip?
Here it comes.
Jeb Bush being asked who we should let in as or not.
Oh, I think I saw this, yeah.
Which is why I said that, look, at a minimum, we ought to be bringing in people that have like orphans and people that clearly aren't going to be terrorists.
You know, that's why we bomb people to create more orphans.
It makes safer refugees.
Christians, there are no Christian terrorists in the Middle East.
No, no.
If you know, like, so when we bombed Iraq, remember, and it killed a bunch of people.
Nobody was terrorist.
They weren't afraid.
They're like, oh, those are bombs killing us.
Or when George Bush said God directed him to bomb the Middle East.
So that's the weird thing.
I have a problem with Frank.
Do you have a problem with that?
Like, like that kind of a statement I have.
There are no Christian terrorists.
Like, I don't know if you've watched, but if you read General Smedley Butler, Smedley Butler's book about war is a racket.
We've been suppressing and killing poor people and stealing their resources at the behest of corporations for a long, long time.
He wrote that book in 1935.
Would you not call that terrorism?
What would you call that?
I don't know what I'd call it.
I know that Jeb has a brother that is responsible for the deaths of many, many, many, many people.
I wouldn't call his actions Christian.
Yes, right.
So there are no Christian terrorists.
Your brother tortured people.
Your brother, Mr. Christian, ordered war crimes and brags about it.
Oh, and by the way, not for nothing, but just framing it in a religious way, like it's Christmas.
There are no Christian terrorists.
What about Tim McVay?
Christians versus Muslims in this circumstance.
There could not be a more irresponsible way of looking at the situation and expressing it.
I mean, because what he's doing is he's basically saying, well, this is clearly a Christian versus Muslim thing.
It's a holy war issue.
If that everybody should, you know, sign up for the next crusade.
You know what?
That's incredibly dangerous.
Go fuck yourself.
It's not like Bull Connor saying, well, we let the white people and there aren't any white criminals.
Right.
Isn't that what that's like?
Frank, am I making a bad analogy on that?
No, that's a good one.
Okay, so, okay.
So here they are.
I love Bull Connors with Kevin Costner.
Yeah, it was great.
That was Bull Durham.
People that clearly aren't going to be terrorists or Christians.
There are no Christian terrorists in the Middle East.
They're persecuted.
Religious minorities.
So then someone says, what does a focus on Christian families actually look like?
If you're going to focus on letting Christian families in, what does that look like?
She says.
You're a Christian.
I mean, you can prove you're a Christian.
You can prove you're a Christian.
Yes, there's a test to prove you're Christian.
And Jeb just failed it.
Yeah, it involves whether or not you turn away refugees.
Yeah.
I like the fact that he said, like, because they're oppressed and they're a minority, of course they're not terrorists.
Well, turns out the French terrorists were oppressed minorities and nationals of France.
They were living in France.
They were being oppressed.
They were.
Wow.
I mean, he just described exactly the people who bombed France.
So he's a genius.
So you're saying that Jeb's not connected with reality.
That's what you're saying.
So then, so then a reporter says, how can you tell if they're Christian?
You can prove you're a Christian.
You can prove you're a Christian.
She says, how?
And he says, I think you can prove it.
I think you can prove it.
I think you can prove it.
You know who's a Christian when you see them praying to Jesus that Jeb isn't the next president.
That's how you know they're a Christian.
Thank you.
Thank you.
*phone rings* *thud* Thank you.
Hello, this is Jeb.
Hey, Governor Bush.
It's Jimmy Doer.
Oh, hey, Jimmy.
How the heck are you?
Pretty good, Governor.
You actually seem much better than you have in a few of our previous conversations.
You know, I think I probably am doing better, Jimmy.
I'm feeling pretty great.
That's great news, Governor.
Why are you feeling better?
Well, I took a hard-line stance on an issue.
And, you know, I've been dealing with kind of a lily-ninny reputation here compared to these other guys.
So I came out looking pretty good, I think.
You know, the guys who do my strategy said that was a good idea.
So, you know, I did it.
Are you referring to your stance on Syrian refugees coming into the United States?
Oh, exactly.
One's level of heartlessness to these people who have undergone unspeakable suffering.
It's kind of a litmus test as to your conservative bona fides.
If I may say so myself, I was pretty callous.
Yeah, pretty callous.
Thank you very much.
You know, at the same time, I wasn't too extremely hardline about it.
So I came across tough, but not super extreme, so I don't alienate my base.
It's sort of a tricky dance we're forced to do here politically, you know, on top of the heads of these unfortunates.
You and I both know there's a lot more to that Jeb Bush phone call.
It gets even more hilarious, sir.
Plus, Peter King calls in later on in the show.
We don't have time to get to it in today's podcast.
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Are you going to be in the Los Angeles area after Christmas?
December 26, 27.
I'm doing shows in Burbank at the Flappers Comedy Club.
So that's becoming a routine now.
Last year, I did the same thing.
The two days after Christmas are fun times.
People really want to get away from their family, and it's usually a big and great show.
So we'll see you there.
There's links over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Michael Schertzer, Frank Coniff, Mark Van Landuit, Michael McRae, and Steph Zamborano and Robert Yasamura.
All the voices today perform by the one and the only the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
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