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Aug. 14, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
59:05
20150814_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_8--14-15
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Time Text
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
*Bell rings* *thud*
This is Jimmy.
Jimbo.
It's me.
Totally heterosexual Rick Perry.
Hey, Governor, how are you?
I'm just going to cut to the chase.
Could you, you know, maybe see your way clear to front me a little cash?
I guess, Governor, would $200 be enough?
I was thinking more like maybe $5 or $6 million.
And then if you could, if you had like a tour bus you could loan me, that'd be pretty great, man.
Governor, what would make you think I have $5 million?
Well, your wife gets all that sweet teaching money.
I was just figuring.
And you're out of money?
No, no, no.
Maybe.
I don't really understand math or nothing.
But I got me one of them Asian accountant types and he's like, oh, you and I make payroll.
And I was like all that.
What are you talking about, Chun?
And he was all like, you need money, white devil.
He called me white devil because, well, I mean, I don't really know why.
So I was like, Chun, what should I do?
And he was like, you go get $5 million.
I put you in Tyga Cage, Joe.
Governor, how could this happen?
Oh, he came here from Thailand two years ago in the wheel well of a plane.
Chun's like super hardy.
No, no, no, not that.
How could you run out of money?
Well, well, Chun explained it to me.
The mamma pig has only so many teeth, but she gave birth to a 17-person litter, and they're all trying to get some of that sweet, sweet piggy milk.
And I guess it turns out the mama pig hates me, but I will show her by befriending a magical spider and learning to read.
But in your last campaign, you seem to have plenty of money.
Oh, wasn't that great?
We had like fuck you money coming out of our eyeballs.
Like every Friday, I would treat the staff to cocaine.
So where's all that money this time around?
Oh, I figured Jeb Bush got most of it because his family knows like every rich person ever, man.
You go ask some rich geezer for cash and they're like, oh, sorry, I had gay sex with George Sr. when we were in Skull and Bones at Yale, so I had to give his kid all my money.
Can you believe that?
I pretty much can, Governor.
That's crony capitalism.
It's what I've been complaining about for years.
Listen, Jimbo, don't not crony whatever, okay?
What works for you is pretty fucking sweet.
It's like you just go lion hunting with some dude and all of a sudden they put you on their board of directors.
Could you maybe get the cokes to give you money?
Oh, man, wouldn't that be fucking awesome?
With that kind of money, I could show up in the next debate and like a brand new Camaro or something.
But no, I wasn't invited to their little audition a few weeks ago.
Oh, that's right.
That was only Jeb Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz and Scott Walker who were invited to the Freedom Partners thing in early August.
And don't forget Carly Fiorina.
Oh, yeah.
Which I was like, dude, we're Republicans.
We don't have to pretend that we include women, okay?
Like, everyone knows the deal.
But you weren't invited?
No, man.
And I got a whole thing prepared.
Like, I was going to sing America the Beautiful and do dramatic readings from the fountain head and sell my CDs after the show.
So are you going to have to drop out of the race?
Okay, just to be clear, you do not have $5 million or more.
I don't.
Dang it.
So you're out?
Let me tell you something, Jimmy.
We parries never say die.
It's like my father used to always say, Rick, he'd say, Rick, first of all, if I ever catch you being a queer, I swear to God, I'll drown you in a bathtub.
Second of all, never say die.
Very underrated Sabbath album.
Wow.
But on or about the 25th of this month, I will likely say die.
And what will you do then?
Well, first, I'll be taking a vacation.
Because I don't know if you know this, but campaigning is like a nine-hour a day job five days a week.
It's like, what am I?
I'm a machine over here?
So vacation is numerous.
Uh no.
I figure I'll go to Tangiers or Fire Island or something.
Then what?
Oh, I'll probably have to start whatever rich guy job the Republican Party has lined up for me.
Probably just sit on the board of Halliburton, maybe, or Raytheon, or the League of Evil Gentlemen.
Something like that.
It's not like Democrats, when they retire, they have to do children's birthday parties and soap store openings and Renfair booths and crap like that.
Although I will say this, Michael Dukakis puts on one hell of a close-up magic show.
So that's part of Mitzvah.
And it was like, holy shit.
Damn.
Really?
Bullshit out of his eyebrows?
Like, fuck, dude.
Wow, I would not have guessed that.
Listen, Jimmy, I got a head.
I got like five more of these phone calls to make.
Who's going to need a nap this afternoon?
This guy is going to need a nap.
Am I right?
Okay, Governor.
Great to talk to you.
This is totally not by Curious Rick Perry signing off.
Chun.
it's Hey, Shun.
Where's that goddamn list of people supposed to call?
Don't you look at me like that, man.
I'll deport your ass.
Okay, that was Rick Perry.
Oh, wow.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for weak-minded low-income luckies.
The kind of people that are.
Commence maybe on Tearing Down Our Nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It starts talking to Kigagi.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined on the phone all the way from New York City.
You know him, you love him from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Connop.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
Oh, it's good to hear your voice on the Skype.
Also, in the studio with me, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamur.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
Ohio.
Good to hear your voice, Robert.
Also, across the glass, you know where you love her from the blog The Miserable Liberal.
It's our resident Latina, Steph Semarano.
Hello, Steph.
Hello, Jimmy.
Hold on.
I love my birth control.
Oh, yes, you do love your birth control.
Also, with us running the board, hilarious comedian Michael Schertzer.
Hey, Michael.
Hey, what's up, Jimmy?
Also with us later on in the show, hilarious comedian and creator of the daily show.
It's Liz Winstead is with us, and she's here to tell everybody about her stand-up show happening in Los Angeles Monday, August 17th at Largo.
So we're going to be talking about that later on in the show and telling you how you can get tickets.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know, let me say this.
You know, when people use stupid expressions, I mean, everybody uses stupid expressions.
But when people refrain from using stupid expressions that have been around way too long, I am a very happy camper.
Hey, did you see the movie The Fantastic Four, Robert?
I did not.
It is said to be so reprehensible that people are surprised it's not running for the GOP presidential nomination.
Hey, did you hear Donald Trump is asking for donations online?
I did not.
Yeah, it's called it's the first ever Prickstarter campaign.
People are getting mad at Trump because he won't get specific about his policies, but he will give you precise details about the women and minorities he hates.
Trump could show basic human decency and not insult women for their looks, but he doesn't have time for that stupid PC bullshit.
Am I right?
Yeah, Trump is being vague about his specific policy ideas, but the other GOP candidates can tell you specifically how they plan to ruin the country.
Oh, and by the way, Jimmy, have you heard the really big news that's going to be a big event in all of our lives this coming Sunday?
No.
Donald Trump is going to be interviewed by Chuck Todd.
That's going to be the greatest one.
I'm so looking forward to that.
I'm going to periscope it.
I already saw Chuck Todd at the sports store buying softball.
Hey, you know, the Black Lives Matter.
They're going after.
I hope that the Black Lives Matter people going after Bernie Sanders doesn't interfere with the Occupy Wall Street takedown of Elizabeth Warren.
Hey, do you know that True Detective Season 3 is going to be about an investigation to find the eight hours that were stolen from anyone who watched season two?
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
A lot of stuff.
I'm not sure how we're going to fit it in.
Lawrence O'Donnell talks about the enthusiasm for Hillary Clinton.
Jeb Bush and the Republicans talk about how misogynistic Donald Trump is.
Eric Erickson joins in.
Plus Bernie Sanders, just like Donald Trump, once again on MSNBC.
And Rand Paul knows what it takes to beat income inequality.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Bernie Sanders calls in.
Wow.
Plus Bill O'Reilly and a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dorsh.
The Jimmy Dorsh Bernie Sanders likes to say that he's a Democratic socialist.
What does Democratic socialist mean?
Well, Chris Matthews asked.
Oh, he's been all up in that shit.
I've been listening to that.
Well, let me just tell you this.
I've said this for a while, that you can wake a Republican up from a sound sleep and ask him what it means to be a Republican, and he can tell you.
Out of a sound sleep, they would know immediately what to say.
Hey, what does it mean to be a Republican?
A smaller government, lower taxes, less regulations, anti-union, pro-life.
That would be, they would say that.
They would know it.
They wouldn't have to think about it.
They would know immediately, lower governments, less taxes, smaller government, pro-life, less regulations, anti-union.
That's it.
They know.
You ask a Democrat, they don't know what to say.
Like, for instance, Debbie Watown Schultz.
Debbie Wateredown Schultz, who is the chairman of the Democratic Party.
She's the chairman of the Democratic National Committee.
And here she is on with Chris Hardball.
And he asks her to tell him the difference between, because Bernie Sanders is a Democratic socialist, and Hillary Clinton is just a regular Democrat.
And he asks, what's the difference?
Here's what she says.
You're chairman of the Democratic Party.
Tell me the difference in you and a socialist.
The relevant debate that we'll be having over the course of this campaign is, what's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican?
Here's so then Chuck Todd asks her the same question, right?
So she goes on with Chuck Todd and he asked her the same.
Here we go.
Hang on, let me turn it down.
Can I just say the reason why Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are on fire is because they don't do this shit.
They don't do this can stand message nonsense that always reads as ridiculous.
And it's one of those things that basically what she's doing is I'm not going to make an unforced error.
That's her only going into this interview.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz in general, when she appears on TV, is awful.
Horrible.
Every time she's supposed to represent the Democratic Party, it's a big platform.
She's the spokesman, and she's always awful.
She goes on Morning Joe and Chris Matthews, and they always embarrass her and beat her on things that she could easily beat them on, but she's so wishy-washy.
So here is Debbie Wasserman Schultz being asked by Chuck Todd.
Sanders is an impassioned socialist.
It believes in social democratic governments, likes the ones in Europe.
What is the difference?
Can you explain the difference?
You know, Chuck, it's always fun to be interviewed by Chris Matthews, and I know that he enjoys that banter.
The important distinction that I think we're going to be discussing, I'm confident we'll be discussing in this campaign, is the difference between Democrats and Republicans.
The difference between Democrats and Republicans.
Oh, so she just did the same thing.
She can't tell you.
So here's what she's going to say, what it means to be a Democrat.
And here it is.
So she can't tell you the difference by A. B, here's what she says a Democrat is.
Ready?
And she stumbles.
Ready?
The difference between Democrats and Republicans is that Democrats want to make sure that people have an opportunity to reach the climb the ladders of success.
What are you talking about?
Again, you wake up a Republican from a sound sleep.
Smaller government, less taxes, against unions, pro-life.
Also, the answer she's giving is she's very much aware of that.
A Republican can make this exact same thing.
She's trying to describe a Democrat as a Republican so that no one will be offended by what she's saying.
Yes.
Yes.
But I mean, basically, it's like saying, well, we believe in freedom.
Yes.
It's like saying nothing.
Yeah, exactly.
She's saying exactly.
I believe people should be able to pull themselves and climb the ladder of success.
That's something any Republican could say.
Exactly.
So she can't make a difference.
You do have to be a communist could say that.
Yes, a communist.
Anybody could say what she's saying.
By the way, I've heard that she's chairman of the Democratic National Committee.
She was Obama's choice for that role.
Yeah, no duh.
She's a corporate Democrat.
She's what's wrong with the Democratic Party because Bernie Sanders is the guy who is saying what it is to be a Democrat.
That's why he doesn't have to win because Democrats aren't Democrats anymore, Frank.
Democrats are Republican light.
And that's why Democrats, the chairman of the Democratic National Committee, can't answer a straight question about what it means to be a Democrat.
She has to say, she has to speak in platitudes that could fit any political party.
That is unbelievable.
And that's why people are embarrassed to call themselves liberals or progressives or Democrats because Democrats are embarrassed to be Democrats.
And they're not Democrats.
They're corporate Democrats, which means they're Republicans.
Well, her point, too, that, well, the important discussion is the difference between Democrats and Republicans.
There's really nothing else to talk about is ridiculous because it's worth talking about what's the difference between a Democrat and a socialist.
What's the difference between a Democrat and a libertarian?
What's, you know what I mean?
It's a very valid point of discussion to talk about those things instead of acting like, well, the only thing you can really that matters is the difference between Democrats and Republicans.
You should be, I mean, you think a Republican would have a hard time telling you the difference between a Republican and a socialist or a Republican and a communist or a Republican and a Democrat.
They can tell you the difference between, they know who they are.
And this is, again, the Democrats don't know who they are, which is why they lost the House, which is why they lost the Senate.
And the only reason they won the presidency is because Barack Obama is gifted.
Yes.
He's a gifted, he has charisma.
He's gifted, and people had enough of George Bush.
And that's why he won.
If it wasn't for that, again, the best thing the Republicans have going for them is that their opponents are Democrats.
Because when they ask, here's Bill O'Reilly trying to put Bernie Sanders in a box.
And listen to what Bernie Sanders says.
He's not embarrassed to say what he believes in.
Teddy Roosevelt did a little bit of what you're suggesting.
Yes.
And I think if you would present it in a way that it isn't the government running the economy, that you might get a hearing on it.
But unfortunately, you know, socialists, and you're one of those, want the government to run a Democratic socialist.
And socialists want the government to run a bill.
One second.
All right.
First of all, let me agree with you and then disagree with you.
If Teddy Roosevelt were alive today, Roosevelt, a good Republican, he would break up these huge financial institutions on Wall Street and a lot of other industries as well, because we have a huge concentration of ownership in this country that is very dangerous.
Second point, as a Democratic socialist whose view is similar to many governments throughout Europe, no, I do not believe government should control everything.
But I do believe that health care should be a right of all people.
I do believe that college education should be affordable to all people.
And I do believe that the United States Congress should not be owned by a handful of billionaire.
There you go.
And what does Debbie Washerman Schultz say?
The difference between Democrats and Republicans is that Democrats want to make sure that people have an opportunity to reach the latter, climb the ladders of success.
Oh, shut the and by the way, here's another crazy thing about all of this: is that aside from what you think of what Bernie was saying, which was it was awesome what he was saying, but aside from that, obviously he is great on television.
He's an articulate speaker.
He's relaxed.
He has great ease.
He's a perfect television politician.
And yet, his first time on Meet the Press was this year.
Yes.
And so here's a guy who's great on TV, who's much better, just from a style standpoint, of being a good broadcaster, much better than Deborah Schultz, who's been on television every week for deck for years.
Bernie Sanders, who's hardly ever, was hardly ever invited to be on TV until he ran for president.
And it just goes to show you that they don't want progressive voices on television, no matter how articulate they are, no matter how good they are, no matter how good the television is when they are on.
That was a good segment with Bernie and Bill O'Reilly.
It was compelling.
It was interesting.
Whereas I've heard Marco Rubio on, who's a junior senator.
He barely has any experience.
He's barely gotten anything done in the Senate.
And I've seen him all over television since the moment he walks in the room.
And they have, yeah, and they're journalists too.
You know, they have Michael Steele and Howard Feynman and all these people who say the same things over and over again.
It's just crazy.
So here's, so let's listen.
I'm going to actually play the whole thing that she says.
Let's listen to it.
Reach the middle class.
Have a secure retirement.
Look at the Republican field.
What they stand for is the extremism that you've seen on full display over the next few weeks, which is why Donald Trump is there for the first time.
So say, ask her, what does it mean to be a Democrat?
She mumbles something about the latter and the middle class, and then she immediately starts talking about Donald Trump.
Because the last thing she wants to do is talk about what Democrats stand for.
Because she can't say what Democrats stand for, because the things that Democrats used to stand for, she doesn't stand for.
She's not against breaking up Wall Street.
She's not against the TPP trade deal that sends jobs overseas.
She doesn't stand up for unions.
They don't put on their soft shoe.
They're afraid of that Planned Parenthood video.
Jimmy, you said not against, which is a double negative, which means that she would be in favor of, you know?
So the thing is that I think is very telling here that's really interesting is that the Republican Party, for all of its flaws, they are putting out on display in their primary process a fearless display of what they think.
Yes.
And the Democratic Party is terrified, even at this stage of the game, to say what they think.
Yes.
Well, that's my point.
And also, that's the problem in government, too, is that's why when people say, oh, we had a Democratic majority, why didn't anything happen?
Is because when you have a Republican, Republicans in the Senate and Congress, they're all Republicans.
All of them are Republicans.
But with the Democrats, they're called Democrats.
Some of them are Democrats.
And a lot of the Democrats are Republicans.
So Republicans have a unified front on things, and Democrats don't.
Exactly.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
And that's why also I point out the horror of the fact that Republicans block everything Obama tries to do.
But when Bush wanted to go to a war with Iraq, the Democratic Party gave it to him on a silver platter with no questions asked.
Yes.
Just go ahead and have your war.
So, Frank, what you're saying, and this is a phenomenon that I've noticed in my lifetime, that when Republicans win an election, they say, hey, now it's time for the Democrats to compromise and implement some Republican ideas.
And when Democrats win, they say, hey, now it's time for the Democrats to compromise and work with the Republicans and implement some Republican ideas.
Am I wrong about that?
No, it's completely true.
That's exactly what happens.
It's, you know, nobody ever says, hey, the Democrats won, so maybe we should start instituting liberal policies.
No one ever says that.
You know, they did take a big step forward in instituting the Republican plan for healthcare, though.
Yes.
If Debbie Washerman Schultz said what the current Democratic establishment really stands for, she would say we're for cutting Social Security and Medicare.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
And Debbie Washington Schultz, by the way, is on these shows because she's supposed to.
Her job is to represent what the Democrats stand for.
Yes.
So you're getting a genuine representation of what the mainstream of the Democratic Party is with her.
She should say Medicare for everybody.
We're for breaking up the banks.
We're for taxing the wealthy.
We're for free college for everybody.
We're for immigration reform.
We're for expanding Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security.
That's what Bernie Sanders said.
That's exactly what he said.
You know, all you have to do, and you don't even need to get in specifics.
All she would have to do is we are for preserving the ideals of the New Deal and the Great Society.
No one will ever mention Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
They will never mention FDR, the Democrats.
The Republicans cannot stop talking about Lincoln and Ronald Reagan.
They will never once bring up FDR.
Right.
Although I will point out that Hillary launched her campaign at Roosevelt Park in New York.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Is that after FDR or Teddy?
Yes.
Yes, it's after FDR.
Okay.
Better than nothing, huh, Frank?
*Bell rings* Hello?
Senator Sanders, it's Jimmy Dore.
Hello, Jimmy Dore.
Nice to hear from you.
Always a pleasure.
What are you up to?
Well, simply continuing my efforts to destroy the Jimmy Dore show by creating a society where progressives have nothing to complain about, thereby essentially killing political quality and reducing your program to a bunch of apropos of nothing phone calls from Mel Gibson and Vince Vaughn.
laughter laughter laughter Oh, that's right.
You're the villain of this show.
I forgot about that.
Sadly, yes.
Hey, you just pulled ahead of Hillary in the latest New Hampshire poll.
You bet your ass I did.
And by a pretty respectable margin, too.
So you better start booking those funny bone weeks right now.
And your rallies have been drawn close to 30,000 people.
It's been absolutely electrifying.
And remember, Jimmy, there is no shame in featuring for Baker Acts occasionally.
Very funny.
So what's next?
Well, one goal of mine is to really oil our social media machine.
I want to connect with young people as efficiently as possible in order to spread a progressive message that I truly believe will resonate with them using podcasts like this one, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat.
Do not interrupt me.
I was just adding other.
I am sick of being interrupted.
I can't stand it.
Don't do it.
Well, you didn't seem to have a problem with it in Seattle when the Black Lives Matter protesters interrupted your entire speech.
Well, there was a good reason for that, Jimmy Dore.
What was that good reason?
Because black lives do matter.
Half Irish, half Polish lives, on the other hand, can eat a dick.
*laughter*
Oh, I see.
Look, if you give speeches, you're going to get hackless.
You're going to get people interrupting you.
A deft politician knows which one of those to shut down and which ones to allow them to say what they want.
You understand?
Which ones would you shut down?
Well, these two girls that came up in Seattle.
Yeah.
You think I'm going to try to shut them up?
You realize what salon.com would say: fucking Professor Krunk writing an article.
Bernie Sanders uses his white privilege to shut down two African-American women.
You think I'm stupid?
Well, maybe you should just.
Well, your ass, on the other hand.
Forget about it.
So, okay.
All right, Bernie.
But why wouldn't you at least have a little security?
Like, I know Hillary Clinton has Secret Service, so that would never happen to her.
But why wouldn't you just have a little security?
Because we're Democrats, Jimmy.
This organization is in our DNA.
Look at my hair, for Christ's sake.
I can't even lock down a comb.
You think I can get Secret Service?
Boss, I'm a socialist, for Christ's sake.
Those Secret Service guys are ex-blackwater cycles.
They'll probably shoot me themselves.
A lot of people think you were set up that that girl who worked for Sarah Palin and that they're really trying to sabotage you that way.
Well, they didn't do a very good job, did they?
No.
They made themselves look stupid.
Bertie, I don't think you would.
I can't even say that publicly.
I'll say it to you.
Well, you're kind of saying it publicly.
Yeah, kind of being the author of Turner.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER You just got burned.
Feel the burn.
Next thing.
All right.
I got to go, Jimmy.
Okay, thanks, Bernie.
Feel the burn.
Okay.
As Bernie said, The Jimmy Doer show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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Give him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
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And if you're not doing that, just know it hurts my feelings.
Okay, now let's get back to the second half.
A lot of great stuff coming up.
Bill O'Reilly calls in, and we're going to break down what the Republicans should really be ashamed of.
What is it?
Hint, it's not Donald Trump.
Hi, welcome back to the second half of the Jimmy Door show.
Bill O'Reilly calls in later on in this half hour.
But right now, I'm joined in the studio by a creator of the Daily Show, hilarious comedian Liz Winstead, is with us.
Also, from Mystery Science Theater 3000 TV's Frank Steph Zemorano was with us and Robert Yasimura and Michael Schertzer.
And we're talking about what the Republicans should really be embarrassed about, and it's not Donald Trump.
So let's get right back to the studio in our discussion now.
Okay, so when Megan Kelly attacked Donald Trump from the left, it was funny because she was pretended to be offended by that stuff while working for Fox News.
Right?
So she's pretending to be upset that Donald Trump, and everybody is pretending to be upset that Donald Trump said that Megan Kelly was menstruating or bleeding from her wherever, which everyone interpreted to mean that she was menstruating, which is why she was rude and mean to Donald Trump.
And everybody said he crossed the line.
There's no line to cross, okay?
Marco Rubio on that same stage said that a 12-year-old rape victim should carry her rapist baby to term by order of the government.
So I did Scott Walker and co-sign on it.
Yes.
And Ted Cruz actually believes that also.
Yes.
Well, here's the thing.
When Megan Kelly was confronting Donald Trump about all the ugly names he's called women, it didn't hurt him.
In fact, he was more right on Fox News because the whole room was cheering for him, meaning Megan Kelly was abandoning the philosophy of Fox News, which is to complain about political correctness, not enforce it.
Right.
Right.
So that's why it didn't make any sense.
And that's again on that same debate stage, candidate after candidate said they didn't trust a woman to make a decision about their own health care needs and that the government should step in between a doctor and their patient if the patient is a woman because they don't trust what a woman might do unless the government's there to tell them.
Not only that, they also agreed that a woman should die rather than have an abortion.
Let's just be clear.
They would die.
Most Republican women feel that they have too many rights.
You know, it's hard to carry in a nice handbag.
You know?
There's no party more pro-jiz than the Republicans.
They believe in the rights of jizz.
They believe jizz are people.
They're all for it.
They do.
They believe that nut sex are people.
And it's just insane.
So they're not.
So my whole point is nobody in the Republican Party or at Fox News is angry at Donald Trump because of his misogyny.
How could they possibly be?
Have you heard the way they talk about anybody from Michelle Obama on down?
Yes.
It was actually nice of them to take a break from beating their wives to be there.
Seriously.
And to stop telling victims to stop asking for it, to be there, too.
That's right.
You know, they're having a lot of plans they had to cancel to get to that stage.
So for them to pretend that they're upset about a lefty issue, meaning political correctness, something they've been mocking since the day they went on the air.
I know.
Well, it was so funny, too.
I mean, what debate goes?
When we come back, God.
And then they were like, Discography.
And then it was like, does God speak to you?
Basically, you're asking people, do you hear voices?
By the way, how is like not calling a woman an ugly pig, where is that in the realm of political correctness?
Isn't that basic decency?
So it's like if you have a kid who starts calling other kids ugly pigs and starts being nasty, and the kid can now say, hey, mom, don't bug me.
You're being too politically correct.
I can be as mean as I want to anybody.
Yes.
Yeah.
And it's also, too, like, basically, it was like, we need to take our country back to when we could call women pigs and whores.
Yeah.
That's when America was great.
They were thriving.
Chris Christie just said he wants to punch the teachers' union in the face.
I know.
The teachers union is a loser.
Yes.
So anyway, so here, so here's the, so my whole point is, my point is they're upset at Donald Trump, not because he's being politically incorrect.
They're upset at Donald Trump because they can't control him.
That's why, because they know he's ripping the lid off this and he's exposing them all for the cockroaches they are.
He's showing you the underbelly of what's really going on in politics and they can't control him and they want to get rid of him, right?
Because they also think that he can't win.
But, you know, I think they're sadly mistaken.
Here's the thing they should be.
By the way, I don't think that's exactly.
I think what's going on is that Roger Ailes decided Roger Ailes wants to decide who's going to win.
Yeah.
And that's the thing that I am shocked that Republican candidates are willing to go on a Fox debate when it's like, you know, that 90% of you are going to be sabotaged by this.
Yes.
Specifically.
Megan Kelly is Fox News' number one anchor, has the highest rated show.
She was thrown under the bus by Roger.
Roger Ailes sided with Trump in this whole thing over his number one broadcaster on his network.
And I don't think that would have happened if it was Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity.
It's because she's a woman that Roger Ailes feels comfortable doing that, even though she's his biggest asset on the network.
Well, the layers of irony are too numerous to count here.
It's also that I think that who the biggest losers are are the people who we desperately think are smarter than they are because all Trump does is make these people seem sane.
Yeah.
You know, and that is just a fallacy because this quiet, quiet, mediocre danger mouse that is like Scott Walker, it's like he is the scariest one of all.
That guy is.
Yes, he is.
And people don't understand.
Like he's Chauncey Gardner.
Yeah, but he just, like, in like this, they just passed this omnibus abortion bill where literally within this bill, not only is there no exceptions for the life of the mother, they also allow a man to sue an abortion doctor for duress.
Wow.
Wow.
Yeah, whoever the impregnator is, and that could be a rapist or that could be whoever, one night stand.
Yeah.
So here is.
So Can women who have to walk past an abortion line of pro-lifers get to sue for duress?
See, this is the stuff that we need to start flipping on them.
Because when they're closing clinics, because they closed a clinic someplace, and we'll get back to this, I swear.
But I think it was in Tennessee because it was near a school, and the school children were seeing the pictures of the bloody fetuses that the protesters signed, and they said it's harming the children.
They didn't say get rid of the protesters so people can go to the doctor.
They said the protesters are scaring the children at school, so we need to close the clinic and they close the clinic.
You know what would have helped that situation?
Prayer.
Always.
So here's what they should be embarrassed about.
You favor a rape and incest exception to abortion bans.
Well, no, and most people would think that was a good thing.
Like she was complimenting him.
She's talking to Marco Rubio.
That's Megan Kelly.
And you think, no, no, no.
She's trying to nail him down on this.
Like, he's in the wrong, right?
Well, I'm sure what he's about to say is very reasonable because Chris Matthews said that he was the star of the debate and came off as the reasonable moderate.
So let's hear this.
I'm sure it's very common sense and reasonable and sane.
Okay, here we go.
Timothy Dolan of New York just said yesterday those exceptions are preposterous.
Timothy Dolan, do you know who Timothy Dolan, she's referring to?
The Archbishop?
The Archbishop.
She is now quoting, we're talking about women's health issues and the right of a woman to make her own medical decisions.
And who's she quoting?
She's quoting a guy who's one of the heads of the biggest patriarchal organization in the history of the world.
They don't respect women's opinion.
They don't let them have a voice.
They protect child rapists systematically.
He's never even seen a vagina.
This guy's right since he was born.
This is the guy they're quoting.
They're quoting a Catholic bishop as if they have any moral authority at all, especially that guy.
That's who Timothy Dolan is, right, Frank?
Yeah, well, yeah.
And also, if even if he's, you know, Bing Crosby from going my way, he still has no business being mentioned in a political debate, even if he's a good bishop.
He's not a doctor.
He's not, forget about being a doctor.
I don't want a podiatrist weighing in on my vagina.
If you're not an OBGYN, shut your vag hole.
Stop it.
Stop it.
So here she goes on.
Shut your pussy mouth.
If you believe that life begins at conception, as you say you do, how do you justify?
Life begins at conception.
Conception.
So the minute the sperm goes into the egg, the second that happens, that's a life.
That's a pregnancy.
That's that you should get, that's a pregnancy.
No, there's a medical term.
It's called pregnancy.
It's not called conception.
Conception, right?
And then, and you literally, it takes 72 hours.
When the sperm, we're actually making a video that's a spoof of I'm just a bill, like I'm just a pill.
And it actually shows an animation of what happens.
But it takes 72 hours from a fertilized egg to travel to the uterus and implant the uterus.
At that point, there's actually a pregnancy hormone that starts being produced.
Until that, it is just an egg looking to hang its hat.
Okay, so here's his response.
By ending a life just because it begins violently through no fault of the baby.
Well, Megan, first of all, I'm not sure that that's a correct assessment of my record.
I would go on to add that I believe all humans.
You don't favor a rape and an incest.
I have never said that, and I have never advocated that.
What I have advocated is that we pass a law in this country that says all human life at every stage of its development is worthy of protection.
In fact, I think that law already exists.
It's called the Constitution of the United States.
Yay!
And let me go first.
I believe that every single human being is in charge of the, isn't, is entitled to the protection of our laws, whether they can vote or not, whether they can speak or not, whether they can hire a lawyer or not, whether they have a birth certificate or not.
And I think future generations will look back at this history of our country and call us barbarians for murdering millions of babies who we never gave them a chance to live.
I'm going to guess that's not going to happen.
Well, let's remember that the history will be written in Texas notebooks.
Yeah, we're not barbarians because we use nuclear weapons or because of slavery or because of the Holocaust.
We're barbarians because we let women and doctors make medical decisions without the interference and because of birth control.
Okay, so let's move on.
So here is Jeb's Bush view, right?
This is the things that the Republicans should be embarrassed about.
They should be apologizing for, but this is the stuff that gets a cheer in there.
By the way, everything got a cheer.
Donald Trump calling women names got a cheer.
Them saying they want to take the rights of women away from them gets cheers.
Here's Jeb Bush.
Here's my record.
As governor of the state of Florida, I defunded Planned Parenthood.
I created a culture.
So there you go.
Culture of life in our state.
And that gets a cheer.
I defunded Planned Pyrrhon.
It gets a cheer.
He and Scott Walker both defunded Planned Pyramid.
Jeb Bush also, if you will recall, assigned an attorney to the fetus.
Yes.
Yes.
A minor who wanted to terminate.
I believe that she might have been somehow mentally handicapped and was pregnant.
Yeah.
And he assigned an attorney to the fetus.
The court overruled him on that.
Yeah.
So his record is clear.
He defunded Planned Parenthood, and he's really proud of it.
So he's bragging about taking away cancer screenings and mammograms.
And I think he's going to brag about that he reintroduced leeches and witch dunkings, too.
Yeah, I think so.
I mean, I think that, yeah, exactly.
Sharing the word culture of life from a bush is just.
Ah, let me.
You know what?
Let me hear that again.
Did he say culture of life?
As governor of the state of Florida, I defunded Planned Parenthood.
I created a culture of life in our state.
He did say that.
Yeah, the culture of life, it's called Stand Your Ground.
Yeah.
Nice culture of life.
So here's the pretext.
Here's the phony Christian, Mike Huckabee, who uses the Bible to trick people of faith into supporting his ego-driven lifestyle.
But here we go.
A lot of people are talking about defunding Planned Parenthood as if that's a huge game changer.
I think it's time to do something even more bold.
Holy shit.
So he's amping it up.
Here we go.
I think the next president ought to invoke the 5th and 14th Amendments to the Constitution.
Now that we clearly know that that baby inside the mother's womb is a person at the moment of conception.
The reason we know that it is is because of the DNA schedule that we now have clear scientific evidence on.
The DNA schedule, that's about as relevant as the bus schedule to what he's talking about.
What is the DNA scheduling?
Because they map the DNA.
There's nothing, just like you said.
What he's basically saying is that because the plan exists in the cell.
Yes.
That that's a human being.
That that's a human being.
That's like saying the blueprint is the building.
He's willing to say that, but ask him about climate change.
Oh, I'm not a scientist.
That's right.
You know what I would like to have happen?
I would like to have all, like, this, like, go to these guys, have them invite them over for like coffee and cake and be like, oh, you want a cup of coffee?
And then just pour beans on them.
And then, oh, you want cake?
And then just pour batter on them.
And like, just force them to understand that the process with which things develop exist.
And one potential cup of coffee is a bean.
Would you like a potential cup of coffee?
Here.
Ask.
Potential cake.
Yes.
So here he's got more to say, Mike Huckabee.
Always.
This notion that we just continue to ignore the personhood of the individual is a violation of that unborn child's Fifth and 14th Amendment rights for due process and equal protection under the law.
It's time that we recognize the Supreme Court is not the supreme being and we change the policy to be pro-life and protect children instead of rip up their body parts and sell them like they're parts to a Buick.
Okay.
So he wants to go even further than defunding Planned Parenthood.
I bet it sounds like he wants to make it so babies could drive, vote, and legally kill their mother if they wanted to.
I think they should give fetuses a gun.
Who needs a thumb?
Who needs a thumb?
How would they protect themselves otherwise?
That's right.
Republicans, what they really want is the power to repress fetuses' votes.
Yes, that's exactly right.
That's right.
We want you to grow up.
Here's what we're doing.
And by the way, here's what's hilarious and shows that religious people, a lot of them, are really full of shit because in Iowa, Donald Trump is leading Mike Huckabee among evangelicals.
He's way ahead of Mike Huckabee.
Really?
Donald Trump, Mr., you know.
Yeah, Mr. Married Three Times.
Yeah, evangelicals who claim to be devout religious people.
Family values.
Family values.
By a wide margin, they prefer Trump over Huckabee.
Jesus is a loser.
So even when the Republicans come up with a woman as a candidate, it turns out to be someone like they can only get a woman who's anti-woman.
Isn't that weird?
Right.
So here's Carly Fiorona talking about maternity leave.
For the government to tell others how to do things when the government hasn't gotten its basic house in order is not only ineffective, it's hypocritical.
What do you mean, basic house and order?
The government shouldn't tell anybody that they have to offer paid maternity leave.
I don't think it's the role of government to dictate to the private sector how to manage their businesses, especially when it's pretty clear that the private sector, like Netflix, like the example that you just gave, is doing the right thing because they know it helps them attract the right talent.
Oh, my God!
Okay, so here you go.
So here's what you should do.
It's not the government's role to tell private businesses how to run.
So, you know, yeah, that's the slippery slope of why are we regulating coal?
Just Burry, you know better than us to burn that into the sky.
Why should the government tell a business how to run their business?
Her proof that private businesses will lead the way on this is the fact that three private businesses out of thousands are doing this.
Yes, Netflix is giving, and by the way, they're not giving all their employees maternity leave Netflix, by the way.
They're not giving that.
Yeah, that's just corporate employees.
That's just, yes.
So by the way, since it's Netflix, their employees have to have binge maternity leave.
All in one night.
So it's...
You know, I ran Hewlett-Packard.
Yeah, you keep forgetting to finish that sentence with into the ground.
So, ma'am.
Yeah, she is against maternity leave, but she's strongly for a job leave, i.e., 30,000 Hewlett-Packard jobs leaving America.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, it's so absurd.
You would say that.
It is funny about Donald Trump, though, is that he makes menstrual insults because a woman asked him tough questions in a debate.
It turns out Donald Trump, huge pussy.
Yeah.
And also, I love that one of his big attacks on Megan Kelly was he released a tape of her on the Howard Stern show.
Yeah.
Tough talking about sex.
Oh, my God, a woman talking about sex.
It's so horrible.
So Eric Erickson, if you don't know who he is, he started that redstate.com and he was...
Yeah.
Have you noticed there's a ton of right-wingers that have the same name?
Lars Larson, Eric Erickson, Hugh Hewitt, Chris Christie.
It's weird.
What is that?
You Hewitt, Chris Christie.
Lars Larson.
Eric Erickson.
I never thought of that.
Bush Bush.
Oh, wait a second.
Isn't that weird?
So anyway, I just had to point that out.
So Eric Erickson.
So Eric.
Eric, the Erickson.
he was having the red state conference with all the Republican candidates.
He was holding like a symposium with them, and he disinvited Donald Trump because he said that Donald Trump had crossed the line, and he had been the— A bridge too far.
So he was upset with what he said to Megan Kelly.
So let me just let you know who Eric Erickson is.
When that happened, I was like, wait a minute, Glass House, Eric Erickson is a chauvinist pig, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
I know this for sure, right?
Because then I went and rawrastory.com.
They dug up some of his old tweets.
For instance, here's one of his tweets.
That's what the feminazis were enraged over.
Seriously, that's what being too ugly to get a date does to your brain.
Here's another one of his tweets.
All these angry feminists in my timeline today, I thought Sam Alito ordered them all home to make sandwiches this morning.
That was, I think, about me because when he just said that he pulled that thing about Trump, I started tweeting at him.
And I kept tweeting at him.
I'll just read you.
Yeah, so I said, but I guess calling Wendy Davis abortion Barbie is not a bridge too far, Eric Erickson.
And then I said, I guess calling Justice Samuel Alito a goat fucking child molester isn't a bridge too far, Eric Erickson.
Did he respond to you at all?
Well, he just generally did.
Oh, okay.
Because they were all tweeting at him like you scumbag.
And he sub-tweeted at me.
In 2010, he tweeted about Tim Tebow.
He said, yet another angry, dateless feminist upset at Tim Tebow for being pro-life.
Here's another one of his tweets.
You ready?
I would love it.
Do you want to tell me what his sub-tweet was?
No, you don't want it, right?
So first night of the vagina monologues in Charlotte going as expected.
So he was referring to the first night of the Democratic National Convention.
North Carolina or South Carolina?
It's Charlotte, right?
So, and that was in 2012.
So he also tweeted about women and gender studies program as an academic pursuit.
He tweeted this.
I am proud of myself for pointing out to the women and gender studies Students that their major has no real world value.
Well, he also said on CNN and was challenged by Megan Kelly on Fox afterwards that women should get paid less than men and that men should play the dominant role and that women earning the primary paycheck is bad for kids and bad for a marriage.
But in his defense, Lou Dobbs agreed with him.
So he also cheerleaded when Trump was tweeting that mean stuff about Rosie O'Donnell.
He supported it.
He also supported the exclusion of women from the Augusta National Golf Club saying, quote, I don't want to be hanging out at some women's event.
So he's been completely worse than what Donald Trump has done.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
And so he's the one who disinvited Donald Trump.
So now turn in this microphone.
So here is Jeb Bush meeting with Eric Erickson down at the Red State Symposium and listen to what they say to each other.
We don't have a lot of time left, but there are a number of questions on this.
And I awkwardly am going to have to ask my wife's question so I don't get in trouble at home.
I'm already in trouble with Donald Trump.
I can't be in trouble.
But you're alive.
I tell you what.
Yeah.
Tell you what, my friend.
You're on the side of women.
I'll take your side of that bet.
Thank you.
So Jeb Bush says that Eric Erickson is on the side of women.
Jeb Bush, who said, you know, I guess women need health care.
They don't need that much health care.
It's like, yeah, fuck Pat Smears.
Like, what do you take?
These are the two guys that are on the side of women.
And Chris Christie's on the side of portion control.
The only woman Jeb Bush has ever on the side of was in a coma.
That's right.
Aha.
Those are the things I'm saying that the Republicans should be embarrassed about and should be apologizing for.
They're actual policies that harm women, especially poor women, the women who are the most vulnerable.
Those are the people who get hurt by their policies.
And I know all those guys don't believe any of that in their heart.
They're just doing it to pander.
And the biggest panderer is Mike Huckabee.
I've said this, but he's the worst of all of them, Mike Huckabee, because he's willing to go that extra mile and actually become a reverend.
See, these guys will just use religion to trick people.
He'll actually go that extra mile.
He is the biggest.
I'm a reverend.
I got the universal live person.
Santorum's the most rabid.
Uh-huh.
I mean, he hates birth control so much he won't even pull out of the race.
It's like insane.
All right.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Hey, did you see me nail Bernie on being a socialist?
Who's this?
Bill Riley!
Bill Riley!
you you Hey, you and I both know there's a lot more to that Bill O'Reilly phone call, but we don't have time to get to it today.
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Here's what that guy from Reason Magazine, he's literally comparing.
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Listen to this.
Like the things that really get people up and add, you know, up and at it at his things, it's the Chinese are taking jobs away.
Wall Street financiers.
I mean, he sounds like Jason Compson in the Sound of the Fury half the time that it's these people in Wall Street are outsourcing jobs.
Mexicans, he's anti-immigrant.
He's openly anti-immigrant in a way that calls to mind Donald Trump.
This is the populism and this is the demagogue.
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No, he doesn't mean that in a negative light.
He means that you're a xenophobic in a positive way.
He likes that idea.
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All right.
Guess what?
I want to remind you about the shows we're doing around town.
The 21st, we're going to be at the Steve Allen Theater with Laura Keitlinger.
On the 28th, we'll be at the Malibooth Theater Playhouse, Playhouse Theater.
Yes, that's the 28th.
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That's right, okay.
Hey, guess what?
This show this week was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Mark Van Landuitt, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasamura, Michael Schertzer, and Steph Zamarano.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
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