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July 3, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Happy 4th of July.
This is Jimmy.
I'm on vacation.
Michael Schertzer put together a special best of episode from some of his favorite clips of the Jimmy Dore show.
Enjoy.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
The Jimmy Dore Show!
And now a reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
Funny Obituaries of Real Dead People by Jim Earle.
Melvin Gordon, CEO of Tootsie Roll.
Melvin Gordon, chief executive of Tootsie Roll Industries, is dead after more than half a century spent desperately trying to pass a sticky brown log that refused to melt even during the hot summer months.
Shock family members say they discovered his iconic oblong-shaped body stuck to a five-year-old's retainer.
You know, Jimmy, the first Tootsie Roll was produced way back in 1896 by Brooklyn inventor Leo Hirschfeld.
25 years later, he committed suicide by shooting himself in the stomach.
That's a true story.
In 1988, Tootsie Roll became the world's largest maker of lollipops, branching out with such popular candies as Sugar Daddy, Junior Mint, Double Bubble, Wacko Wax, Junior Daddy, Wacko Bubble, Double Mint's Daddy Wax, Masonic Diddy Dots, Razzles chocolate-covered fur nips, and crunchy caramel dingleberry daddy duds with zinc.
The Tootsie Roll Company now produces 64 million Tootsie Rolls a day.
Experts calculate that if every Tussie Roll ever produced were placed end-to-end, it could be the setup to a good joke.
Confectioners agree the most famous Tootsie Roll ad, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tussie Pop, may never be answered.
But perhaps the most pertinent question facing science today is why it always tastes like a stale cardboard anus.
The real answer to the lick question the company writes on its website, quote, depends on a variety of factors, such as the size of your mouth, the amount of saliva, and how much of your pancreas is still working.
Thornton asked that his body parts be individually wrapped and twisted at each end.
That was a reading from the book Morning Remembrance, Funny Obituaries of Real Dead People by Jim Earle, which can be found at JimEarl.com.
I want to play with you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It starts talking to you, Doug.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Doer.
Everybody, welcome to this week's special episode.
When I say special, it means we're on vacation, and Michael Schertzer put together some clips, some of his favorite clips from the show.
All right, so let's get to those right now.
And Joey got some great phone calls coming up.
I don't want to spoil it.
Here it comes.
Here it comes.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hi, Jimmy.
This is Governor Mike Huckabee.
Oh, hey, Governor.
How are you doing?
I'm just gearing up my 2016 presidential bid.
Very exciting time for me and my family.
I would imagine, how are you going to differentiate yourself from the 248 other Republicans who have declared their candidacy?
Well, that's a good question.
A good question and a simple answer.
I'm going to put myself forward as a candidate who most accurately represents true American values.
Oh, yeah?
I think you're misjudging what most Americans' values are, quite frankly.
Well, let's start shimmering.
I truly believe in the constitutionally guaranteed rights of freedom of religion and freedom of speech.
Now, Jimmy, even a godless secular progressive such as yourself can't shake a sick of that.
I'm not falling for that.
And that's why I'm calling you, Jimmy.
Our First Amendment rights are under attack yet again.
Oh, what's up?
Some small-town bakery pulling a publicity stunt for more business again?
No, Jimmy.
I'm talking about TLC pulling 19 kits and counting from a chairlist.
Yeah.
How is that affecting free speech?
TLC isn't the government.
Jimmy, once again, some Hollywood type has decided they want nothing to do with wholesome Christian messages on our network.
The Duggars are a wholesome family, a shining beacon of Christian values.
And the left want nothing to do with it.
So they are stifling our values message.
Actually, Governor, TLC pulled the show because it was revealed that Josh Duggar used to be a child molester or is a child molester and quite possibly molested his own sisters.
Yes.
An unfortunate mistake 12 years ago.
But the liberal left with a staunch anti-sexual violence agenda is out on the warpath yet again.
First, Josh, whom I know personally and know to be a good man.
And I'm 80 to 90% sure he doesn't molest children anymore.
Josh was forced to resign his post at the Family Research Council.
Unbelievable.
Can you believe that?
Yes, I actually.
And now their TV show might be canceled.
The persecution of Christians just never goes away.
We'll always be huddled together in the Coliseum, waiting for blinds.
Oh, boo-hoo, Governor.
You know what?
I think when you molest your sisters, you don't get to be on the board of the family anything.
And the TV show about a quote-unquote wholesome family that turns out to be a giant incest jack gets its plug-pulled.
Jimmy, he made a simple mistake.
He had told for it.
God forgave him.
He should be in the past.
Heck, we've all made mistakes.
One time when I was 15 years old, I snuck out and stole my old man's Studebaker and managed to clip the side view mirror on an old hickory tree.
Boy Pop was stinked, and I got to switch it like nobody's business.
trust me teenage boys do crazy things are you Are you insane?
What's the big deal?
Actually, what I did was worse.
Josh Dutter didn't break his sister's arm off.
All that happened is those girls learned about sex a little younger than as usual.
I mean, don't you liberals believe in sex education for children?
Yeah, you're sick.
You bet I am.
Sick of the liberal agenda.
Let's look at what is truly unforgivable.
Gay people who love each other being able to get married.
What's wrong with that?
It will lead to child molestation.
What?
And not child molestation from a good Christian like Josh Dunger, but molestation from godless homosexuals.
What are you saying?
Incest and sexual assault, at the end of the day, are only as bad as the perpetrator.
I think I'm getting a migraine.
Let me explain.
Jimmy, you secular progressives have it all wrong.
You don't understand Christian morality.
People like you think acts are wrong.
Things that people do are wrong.
And that people are judged by the actions they make.
In truth, the reverse is true.
What do you mean?
People are good or bad.
If someone is like you, part of your class or race or time or religion, they're good people.
If they do bad things, those are mistakes that God forgives.
But if someone is not like you, then their sins are worse.
And they need to be set on fire.
That is Christian morality.
I mean, what else would you expect from a tradition that was born literally of tribalism?
What makes the Duggars so great anyway?
Well, they're part of the quiverful movement.
What?
That's a hard word for me to say since I talk out of both sides of my mouth.
Literally.
A quiverful.
A quiverful?
What is that?
Well, it's sort of a branch of evangelical Christianity that believe that women's purpose is to have as many children as possible.
So women are basically factories for babies.
Isn't that beautiful?
Me and my wife would have liked to have been part of that movement ourselves, but after the two giant bruiser baby boys that I forced my wife to give birth to, I just figured it'd be unfair to do any more damage to the poor bird.
Especially since we're religiously opposed to cesarean sexism.
What?
Well, anything named after Julius Caesar, who was a notable persecutor of Christians, is not okay in my book.
Governor Huckabee, Julius Caesar died in 44 BC.
BC stands for Before Christ.
Well, Jimmy, you have your opinions and I have mine.
Reasonable people could disagree.
Also, I like the idea that Jimmy Dore knew exactly the date of Julius Caesar's death off the top of his head.
So they're good people.
They're part of the quiverful movement.
And I stand by them no matter what.
No matter what horrible crimes they committed, like molesting their own sisters.
You know what?
I appreciate you giving us this little insight into your brand of Christian morality.
It really actually explains a lot.
I hope it does.
I'm here to educate the populace as far as what my views are and what I'm about.
Just a good old Christian country boy from Arkansas who turns a blind eye to infect.
Please, let's not do any Arkansas jokes.
Okay, that's Governor Mike Huckabee.
Thank you.
That could be it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
*Mario plays* Ooh.
Ooh.
Hey, Golden Dragon Chinese Restaurant.
Dr. Paul?
Oh, yes.
Who says now?
It's Jimmy Dore, Congressman.
Are you running a Chinese restaurant out of your house?
Well, yeah, I guess he caught me, but how are you, Jimmy?
We caught him.
We caught him running a Chinese restaurant.
Is that what he said?
You know, I'm fine, Dr. Paul, but why are you...
You know, I worry about you and your prostate.
Why are you worried about my prostate?
Well, you're over 40.
It's pretty much taking time bomb from there on hell.
You know, one day you just wake up and it's just exploded all over the place.
And then your penis is on the ceiling.
Dr. Paul, I wanted to get your opinion about the Oklahoma frack controversy.
Oh, isn't that just awful what those boys were doing?
Yeah, that was some pretty horrible racism.
Oh, I'm not talking about the racism.
I'm talking about that chant.
It was so pedestrian.
I mean, if you're going to be racist, take the time to write some original music.
So it was the music that bothered you.
Well, it wasn't even music.
It was just like some dumb channel you'd hear at a union rally.
When I was a racist, I would advocate lynchings with three-part harmonies.
Three-part harmony.
At one point, I had a 100-piece polyphonic choir singing it.
When you were a racist, is that something you've stopped being?
Pretty much.
I mean, I just woke up one day and was like, I don't really have the energy to hate black people today.
But, you know, I still like the rituals and all that.
Holidays?
Oh, yes.
They have wander for holidays.
Some of my happiest memories are standing around a burning cross on Hitler Day.
And like little Rand would look up at me and say, I sure do like Hitler, Daddy.
And I would say, I know you love Hitler, little Rand Paul.
I did not know that.
Of course, I still like the food.
The food?
I'm sorry, the food.
Oh, my, yes.
Racist food is wonderful.
It's like steak and potatoes and green beans and jasmine rice.
Dr. Paul, I think that's just food you're describing.
That's what the Jews want you to think.
Dr. Paul, I really want to get back to this OSU thing.
Yeah, well, sure.
Now, do you think those boys should be expelled for this?
Oh, heavens, no.
I mean, it's Oklahoma State.
It's not like it's a real school where people are expected to know better.
You're talking about a university.
Oklahoma University.
It's basically a four-year special ed program.
Like, how to make change for the bus.
Everybody is sobing on.
And maybe animal husbandry or something like that.
Remembering the stove is out.
Fuck it.
So you think by definition, Oklahoma University students are too stupid to be held accountable for their actions.
Well, sure, unless they kill a white woman in Texas.
Thank you.
We'd still have the IQ of a gopher and we'd still straight up murder your ass.
I know that about your state.
Yeah, but it's on our license plate.
What do you think actually will happen to those students?
Oh, they'll definitely be expelled.
Why do you think that?
Well, football, of course.
That's all anyone cares about in Oklahoma because, you know, most of them can't read.
Man, Dr. Paul, you really hate Oklahoma, don't you?
I had a layover there once and it went awful.
Anyway, once Oklahoma realized that black men would voluntarily come to Oklahoma.
Well, that was that.
Pretty sure they have a special orientation for the white students where they tell them, hey, don't piss off the colored fellas.
You know, keep the racism on the down low, okay?
Congressman, there is no way Oklahoma is as bad as you're describing it.
I don't know what you want me to say, Jimmy.
The only people who live there are the ones who are too stupid to realize the Dust Bowl is happening.
Kansas make fun of Oklahoma.
Kansas don't understand how taxes pay for stuff.
But these are parts of the country where you've enjoyed a lot of support.
Yeah, well, you know, Jimmy, I'm a very complicated person.
I hate people that love me.
I just, I'm just like that.
Congressman.
Look, see, I go, I've got the lunch rush coming in here right now, and I need to heat up the noosehu sauce prong time.
Okay, Congressman.
Welcome to Paul Dagon.
You like egg roll?
Rod Paul.
Chinese restaurant.
So I was watching Nancy Grace, and you know, she makes a mistake.
That is a mistake.
She was talking about marijuana.
And, you know, the America is divided between two types of people, those who love grass and those who love lawns.
And I'm betting that Nancy Grace has a really nice lawn.
Was that another foreign reference?
She had on a rapper called Two Chains, and there must not be a big trial that she can sensationalize and inflame the lynch mobs about.
So this week, she has proclaimed legalized marijuana guilty.
Nancy Grace, with her Dr. Spock eyebrows looks, she looks like someone is holding a dog turt under her nose.
Doesn't she always look like that?
She always looks, she's got that look on her face, like, what am I smelling?
She's smelling her own writing.
Yeah.
Here she tackles the subject of legalized marijuana with all the level-headed intelligence and insight we've come to expect from her.
Oh, boy.
Here she is.
She's talking to this rapper, and here's what she says about pot being legalized.
If this is legalized, then everybody is going to have unlimited access to pot.
And unlike other people that are responsible, irresponsible child abusers are going to have free.
Irresponsible child abusers are going to have access to pot.
You know what I don't want child abusers to have access to?
Children.
It's not the pot.
I love she says irresponsible child abuse, as opposed to the responsible child abuse.
This is also.
And the pot really is the problem because I've never heard of any case of a parent getting drunk and beating their kids.
Yeah.
It never happened.
So she says that if it's available, then irresponsible child abusers are going to be able to get their hands on it.
And 2Chains pushes back.
He says this.
No, but everybody has the ability to get their hands on pot right now, whether it's legal or not.
I just feel like if you legalize this particular drug, it could cut out certain things in an criminal justice system as far as the overcrowding of prisons, as far as putting us on our criminal record to prevent us from getting loans, prevent us from getting homes.
Just the whole thing around recreational weed is not making any sense.
And do you want to grow?
We're living in the world.
Why don't you just not be in a rest?
Why don't you just not smoke pot?
It's interesting that Two Chains, he made a pro-business argument.
Nancy Grace is making a pro-business argument too, specifically prisons, cops, and lawyers.
Those would be the economic engine.
Go ahead.
I don't know if you heard, but she was so stupid in this interview that she had her name legally changed to Tom Lennon.
Yes!
And I love that she kicks off her argument again by with the children.
We're going to be child abusers and the children.
Always be suspicious of people who make that argument.
What about the children?
Particularly if they're not talking about poverty, health care, and education.
If they're talking about education, healthcare, and poverty, and then they say, what about the children?
Then I'll listen to you.
But it's never, they never use that argument when talking about those things.
And you knew Nancy Grace.
So she showed a clip of some parents who let their kids smoke pot.
And I've known a lot of pot users, and I've been one myself for a period of time.
But for like 40 some-odd years, I've known a lot of pot smokers.
And I don't know one instance of anyone letting their kid have pot.
But I do know a lot of instances, Frank, of people letting their kids drink.
That happens all the time.
People drink wine at the table.
People drink beer all the time.
People let their kids drink beer.
You know, I would be more worried if I saw a child with an adult that has an open alcohol container.
And yet, I would never call for the proven failed policy of prohibition.
By the way, I would be much more concerned if I saw a parent who'd let their kid watch Nancy Gray.
And you know, Nancy Grace's.
Nancy Grace's own kid is probably getting high at home watching the show, being like, shut up, mom.
Yeah.
So here she goes back.
He goes back more with this two chains.
Right now, we got to try to find ways on getting out.
So I figured if we got half of the state's legalizing pot, if the rest of the community legalizes pot, that frees up taxpayers' money.
That allows us to do something with this extra funds as far as fixing everything from teachers' money.
For me, I'm a taxpayer, okay?
She doesn't know.
She doesn't get that.
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
What do you mean, freeing up tax?
How would not putting people in prison, how does that save us money?
You mean $35,000 a year per prisoner?
How does that say?
Nancy Grace can't figure that out.
By the way, she's a lawyer.
Yeah.
She can't figure that out.
Okay, there's more.
And I have one example.
For me, I'm a taxpayer.
My bus gets pulled over and they say they smell weed like they do all the time, okay?
They find a grind on my bus that has 0.01 of residue inside of it.
Okay, they lock me up.
They strip me.
Then they find out I'm a rapper and they want to know how fine is Nick and Minaj.
They want to take pictures and they want to let me go.
They obviously charge me with 0.01.
I go to court.
I go to trial.
And then they say, you pack your own bags.
Is this your grind?
I tell them, no.
Well, who pack your bags?
They find out my security does it.
They drop my case and then they pick it up on my security, who obviously beats the case.
If that's not a waste of taxpayers' time and money, I don't know what it is.
Yes, that's exactly.
So he's laying it out for you.
This is the big waste in the criminal justice system, attacking people for a pot.
And because they go through his bus, they find a leaf or something in his grinder, and then they arrest him.
And, you know, speaking of which, I wonder what kind of prescription drugs we would find if we searched Nancy Grace's bag.
Yeah, really.
You know, and after watching this interview with her, viewers can all agree that we need less calm, collected, and coherent people like Two Chains in the World and more hysterical reactionary fearmongers like Nancy Grace.
She makes two chains look like the sage that he was in this segment.
Good for two chains.
Don't be so familiar.
Call him Mr. Chains.
Oh, Mr. Chains.
Yeah, that's right.
What's that, Frank?
I was just saying he did a great job in that segment.
He was artistic.
He had his points.
He was ready.
For someone who was so stole, you know.
I'm still concerned about all those irresponsible child abusers.
You know, apparently they're leaving their dishes out.
They're irresponsible, but they're not signaling when they change lanes.
They're very irresponsible.
You know, pot is not good for children, but what's even, what's better for children are parents in jail for pot.
Yeah, that was nice.
Yeah, great point.
So this was the anniversary of the Gulf Water disaster.
And now I just want to remind everybody that what led to the BP disaster in the Gulf, it wasn't an accident, right?
This was gross negligence that, again, no one goes to jail for.
No one gets in trouble.
It's like the horrible thing, the worst thing that ever.
Judith Miller, we just did a segment about her leading America into an illegal.
Nobody goes to jail, nobody gets in trouble.
Again, here, BP, the worst environmental disaster in the history, right?
That's what they say that was.
And by the way, over 100 men killed, just right off the bat.
100 men killed.
No kidding.
I thought just 13 on that platform.
Oh, I'm sorry, 13.
I was thinking, wow, did I miss him?
Yeah, I missed.
I missed 87 guys.
I knew it was like one of those.
Robert throws data out just to see if we're listening back to the side.
But it'll make you feel better.
Millions and millions of marine animals have lost their lives.
And I mean, the entire habitat's been ruined.
But who cares about that, right?
Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
But only 13 guys were killed.
Not only has the habitat been...
So things happened, like, for instance, there were these islands and then the certain kind of tree, these little like sandbar islands.
And there's like certain little kind of plants and trees that grew on there.
The oil got in their roots that killed it.
Those islands, they're gone.
Right.
Those are gone.
And those are important nesting places for certain pelicans.
There's all kind of crazy damage that happened.
So I went through my archives of what we were talking about when this first happened on the Jimmy Door show.
And I got a clip.
So this is a guy who was sent down there to investigate.
He's like a regulator, kind of.
And so I don't have all the information because I just had this in an old file.
So I don't have all the information, but I played this clip and it's amazing.
So this is the guy.
He's supposed to be an independent investigator from Berkeley.
And first he starts to tell us what led to the disaster, right?
She asks him this.
Was this accident preventable?
Yes.
Yes, it was preventable.
Okay.
All right.
So he's going good.
The critical decision was the one to remove that heavy mud.
That's based on everything we did.
There are time pressures that are extremely intense, and there are economic pressures that are extremely intense.
So he said there's economic.
he's saying is there is pressure from the company to do things in an unsafe manner to increase profits like there always is.
So I don't understand why he's You saw a lot of cutting corners.
Sure.
Sure.
He saw a lot of cutting corners in his investigation.
These are not bad people.
We're just doing dumb things.
And then he concludes by saying that.
These aren't bad people.
They're just doing dumb things.
So they're not bad people.
And Paul Pot was just misunderstood, I guess.
No, the people that just laid waste to the entire Gulf region in order to make an extra buck on top of the billions they already make, and they're not bad people.
What?
They're just great entrepreneurial Americans, except they're British, and they recklessly ruined a big part of our country.
But you got to crack a few eggs to ensure that some foreigners can turn to monster profits sucking our natural resources out of the ground, right?
You know, it's pretty stunning, Michael, to me to hear a guy who's supposed to know what is going on and say that the people whose actions cause it are not bad people.
Is everybody waiting for a job from BP?
If the people that are not bad people, they were just driven by greed.
I don't understand.
They just recklessly endangered people's lives because they wanted a little more money.
It's called economic incentive.
Like, please, let's use that instead of greed.
If people that totally corrupt a regulatory system in order to bypass safety regulations for no other reason than to increase already unparalleled profits, and then their greed and corruption ends up causing the worst ecological disaster in the history of the world ever.
Well, if those aren't bad people, then I guess nobody's a bad person.
It's really well said.
A few of them afterwards said, oops, my bad.
I love how they're trying to sort of varnish up their image with these spots.
They've been running TV spots really since the Deepwater Horizon accident happened, talking about how we're getting, you know, we're working tirelessly to clean it up.
Now the spots are about how this region is coming back.
Yet, if you talk to the fishermen down there, you talk to any of the concerns that are concerned with marine life.
You talk to the ecologists, of course.
The area's been decimated.
And a lot of the area that was covered by this oil slick on top, you know, they spread that dispersant out.
And the dispersion at the time, and I'm a lay person, I know that that's poison.
That dispersion is a horrible thing.
But they do it to break up that huge blob and send it to the bottom of the sea floor, of the Gulf floor.
You can't see it.
Exactly.
And that's where it is.
And that's where it has ruined entire communities of the oyster communities, I think, are down by 80%, something like that.
I don't know.
I've been watching a lot of BP commercials, Mark, and I got to tell you, they've been doing a lot of good stuff.
All right.
They've bounced back.
Everything is back to better.
And they talk in southern accents, which are very home folksy.
I would say there's a silver lining, but you can't see the silver lining through all the oil anyway.
Hey, there's a lot more to that BP oil commercial.
We're going to get to it in the second half.
You're listening to a special best of episode.
The Jimmy Door show is taking a break for the 4th of July, and we put together some of our favorite clips.
So we're going to get back to that commercial from BP coming up in the second half.
Right now, we're up against a break.
We'll be right back in one minute.
This is the Jimmy Dore show on Pacifica.
Hey, here's an interesting story.
Guy on my block, I walk my dog every day.
And he said, hey, Jimmy, did you hear I lost my dog last night?
And I said, no.
Did you start looking for it?
He said, yeah, I was looking for it.
Couldn't find it.
I had my neighbors helping me.
He said, I went home.
I was listening to one of your podcasts to take my mind off it.
And he said, I went and I actually bought a new flashlight to help me look.
And I bought it through Amazon.
And I used your Amazon link.
And son of a bitch, if my dog didn't show up immediately, I got a check or inheritance from a long-lost relative.
I didn't even know.
And my wife and I got back together.
So I'm not knowing.
I don't know if those two things are related.
Donate using our Amazon.com link when you buy stuff at Amazon and great things happening in your life.
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Thanks for your support.
Now back to the show.
Hey, welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
Today is a special best of episode because we're taking a break for the 4th of July.
And young comedian Michael Schertzer put together some of his favorite clips from the show to play for today.
And right now, we're talking about BP.
That's right, British Petroleum put out a new commercial, and we're right in the middle of talking about it.
Let's get back to it.
I got my guests in the studio, Robert Yasimura, Mark Thompson, Step Sam Murano, and Frank Conniff.
So they did release this commercial attempting to cleanse the American palate of the oil the fish in the Gulf have been marinating in.
And the commercial introduces, I'm going to play the commercial, and it introduces us to this good old boy.
His name is Bob Fryer, and he's the executive in charge of safety for BP.
But he lets us know that he's one of us.
He's just an American working man, despite being an executive at a British oil company.
He's just a regular.
He informs us that he was raised and educated in Louisiana, and he worked for BP his whole life.
And he attempts sincerity when saying that since the spill, the company has changed.
There you come.
Here, I'm going to play the commercial.
I'll play it all the way through.
And if you feel, just, I'm going to play it all the way through once, and then we'll play it again and break it down.
Okay, so just enjoy it, and let's see how many big laughs we get.
I care deeply about the Gulf.
I grew up in Louisiana.
I went to school here.
I've been with BP ever since.
Today, I lead a team that sets our global safety standards.
After the spill, we made two commitments to help the Gulf recover and become a safer company.
We've worked hard to honor both.
BP has spent nearly $28 billion so far to help the Gulf economy.
Five years of research shows that the Gulf is coming back faster than predicted.
Yes.
We've toughened safety standards too, including enhanced training and 24-7 onshore monitoring of our wells drilling in the Gulf.
And everyone has the power to stop a job at any time if they consider it unsafe.
What happened here five years ago changed us.
I'm proud of the progress we've made, both in the Gulf and inside BP.
Okay, so that's the commercial.
Wow, is that a commercial or is that from a Nicholas Sparks movie?
Don't know Nicholas Sparks.
So let's go through it again, and we'll just take it line by line, shall we?
So here he starts.
First, I like the music.
Music strain.
It makes me think of a young Winona Judd doing an independent film about selling t-shirts on the beach.
Right, doesn't it?
That's what I remember that.
That's basically my Nicholas Sparks job.
But yes, you're right.
Okay.
There you go.
See, to me, it sounds like it's like sort of a techno version of those 50s, like industry.
Okay.
Oh, that could be.
Yeah.
Okay, here we go.
I care deeply about the Gulf.
Yeah, that's why I work for a company that recklessly ruins it for profit.
Love the Gulf.
I grew up in Louisiana.
I went to school here.
And I'll be damned if they forgot to teach me about oligopes and crony capitalism.
By the way, yeah, if you grew up in Louisiana, that means that you're very familiar with corrupt politics.
Yes, yes.
I've been with BP ever since.
Today, I lead a team that sets our global safety standards.
And next to me is Tommy.
He makes 10 times more money than me, and he leads a team that helps break our global safety scale.
Those teams set in the global safety standards.
Those are short days, I'm guessing.
I think it was just a half day.
Okay, he's got more to say.
After the spill, we made two commitments.
Make sure our top executives had plausible deniability and two, produce saccharin commercials that gloss over the real damage we've done.
Those are our two commitments.
Now, what were the real two commitments?
Ready?
To help the Gulf recover and become a safer company.
We've worked hard to honor both.
Oh, you worked hard to honor both?
Really?
It's not like you had a long list.
Well, no, it's true, though.
He said to make it a safer company.
And if you go to the company headquarters, there are never any oil spills there ever.
It's fair as a shareholder.
I feel safer than I did then.
I love that he's so proud of himself.
We've worked hard to honor both of our commitments.
Like he's going to say, you know, we set out the two objectives forward.
And instead of doing them both, we reneged on 50% of them.
We were going to do both of them.
We said, fuck it.
We're just going to renegotiate.
Anyway, so that's the kind of tenacity you can expect from the winners over at BP.
They're going to set two goals and they're going to just work hard at them.
Okay.
They've decimated.
I mean, really, they have decimated life down there.
And the problem is that the oil companies, well, the workers, the people who are the fishermen, they dance between being fishermen and also working on the oil rigs.
So they go back and forth.
So they're in kind of a weird relationship.
Even the people who work down there with the oil companies in Louisiana.
So Louisiana is this weird place where, you know, the workers anyway can't be too pissed off at BP because they need a relationship with them.
So it's very strange.
But look, the fact is undeniable that that habitat's been destroyed.
The fact that it is undeniable.
Yeah.
But, you know, I am comforted knowing that they are on call 24-7.
Okay.
Yeah.
We're going to, yeah, so we're going to get to that.
Okay, ready?
And by the way, he goes, hey.
Hard to honor both.
BP has spent nearly $28 billion so far to help the Gulf economy.
Yeah, which is almost as much money as they make in half a day.
So, you know, they're serious.
And it all gets written off on their taxes anyway.
And by the way, that number is wrong.
It's because...
It doesn't.
It doesn't include the damages, the damage suits that they've paid.
So it's closer.
It's more than like 50.
Let me just say this.
Like 43.8.
The $28 billion to help the Gulf recover.
That's not like some enlightened revelation the company came to on their own accord.
They were legally forced to be part of the cleanup effort, and they fought that tooth and nail.
Bravo, yes.
Okay.
Mr. Door.
I mean, for the longest time, they tried to claim that the Gulf wouldn't even be impacted and that it was no big deal.
Remember when they said the oil would dissolve itself because the ocean's so big?
They said that.
You could look it up.
They said that.
That's right.
That's right.
Also, if by help recover, they mean lie, cheat, and misrepresent the claims of the families who were harmed by your negligence and incompetence.
They've been doing a bang-up job then, if that's what they mean by recovery.
100 families.
And I love how, and I love how they say, and it's for the, and they go, we're becoming a safer company.
What did you change exactly?
You immediately started drilling in Alaska a few months after you destroyed Mexico.
What have you changed?
Go ahead.
Well, you know, they're expanding their deep water horizons.
They're going to other places.
They're ruining other places.
They're opening their minds.
It's not just about the Gulf, it's about the whole world.
Yeah, they can ruin the whole world.
Right here, there's more.
Spent nearly $28 billion so far to help the Gulf economy and environment.
And five years of research shows that the Gulf is coming back faster than predicted.
Of course, our research shows that global warming is a myth and trees cost most of our air pollution.
Their research.
Yeah, the research is not exactly.
It's coming back quicker than predicted because the prediction was the world was going to fucking end.
Yes.
Ready?
Here we go.
We've toughened safety standards too, including enhanced training and 24-7 onshore monitoring.
First of all, Dave and what was the training before?
You know what the training before was?
Hey, you want to come work in an oil rig?
You're hired.
Get on.
Start working.
That was the training.
And now the trading now is, I don't know what.
I can't imagine what it is now.
Don't forget that 24-7 monitoring, though, Jimmy.
Let's not under.
Let's not understood it.
Before they used to monitor it, maybe eight hours.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, the 24-7.
The 24-7 is that you can get technical support from someone in India.
Press one if you can't cap the well.
Press two if it's press two if there's been a big explosion.
And it makes me think: what the hell were they doing before this?
They weren't monitoring underwater wells 24 hours a day.
Just, well, you know, sometimes we'll look at them.
And the other time we're going to.
Spot check them.
Yeah.
Aren't you?
You're not going to monitor that 24-7?
All of a sudden.
No, now we're going to.
Yeah, I really, if I was part of the evil that was putting together that spot, I would have gone, let's take the 24-7 monitoring out because we should have been.
I mean, aren't people expecting us to be doing that already all the time?
I think people were expecting them not to be.
AM, there's a security card name stop.
No, Frank, they really are taking steps to increase their safety training.
Whereas before, they would just say, hey, here's a mud pump.
Go get some fucking oil.
Now they go, hey, nature's not going to rape itself.
You see what I'm saying?
You see what I'm saying?
All right.
There's more to this commercial.
Wells drilling in the Gulf.
And everyone has the power to stop a job at any time if they consider it unsafe.
Yeah, especially if they no longer need a job.
Yes.
Tell me how that whistleblowing goes.
The guy's going to stand up to BP.
Right.
Hey, Skip, I just think that's too much pressure up there on the third well.
Hey, man.
If I want to hear from you, I'll come talk to you.
Understand?
We've left off this job.
I don't consider it safe.
Plus, Orson Black is on.
Yeah, nothing like a direct conflict of interest with your worker, right?
Which is that they won't get paid if they snitch about the safety standards and they won't be hired for jobs in the future because nobody likes a snitch, especially corporations.
If you thought the crips could be cruel, try to fuck with BP and see what happens.
Okay.
All right.
There's more to this.
What happened here five years ago changed us?
I'm proud of the progress we've made, both in the Gulf and inside BP.
Wow.
Really?
You're proud of the progress you made in the Gulf?
That's like being proud of the space created in the wake of Hiroshima.
Oh, there's so much more room for.
If your loved ones were killed in our explosion that happened through our negligence, don't worry.
We feel proud now.
Yes.
The BP spill, one of the worst environment disasters in American history.
You destroyed an ecosystem and the economy of at least five states.
Dolphins are getting lung disease faster than the Marlborough man, not to mention the people who wouldn't have died if not for your irresponsible criminal actions.
What the F are you so proud of?
And we'll be right back.
Yeah.
It's tough to end that spot by saying, and we're deeply ashamed.
But they should.
That's how they should.
And we're deeply ashamed.
Can we do the end of the BP and just have Mark end up?
Okay, right.
Ready?
So I'm going to play the end, Mark, and you go ahead.
Can I get one joke in?
Judith Miller showed up and said, yeah, we don't feel bad about it at all.
Nice.
I'm proud of the progress we've made, both in the Gulf and inside BP.
BP, we're deeply ashamed.
That's the way the spot should run.
Let's get to our phone call because we've been upset about Barack Obama using the word thug, and he's going to call us and talk about it.
Hello?
Jimmy!
Who is this?
This is Barack Obama, President of the United States.
Yeah, I know who you are, Mr. President.
Leader of the free world, Commander-in-Chief, the crown jewel of Kenya.
To what do I owe this honor, sir?
Jimmy, I'm calling to talk about the reckless and brutish behavior of those thugs in Baltimore.
Oh, yeah, those cops are horrible.
Oh, Jimmy, you feel me buffoon?
I'm talking about the protesters.
Those thugs throwing bottles and rocks at the police.
The brave men and women in uniform.
With all due respect, President Obama, how can you call those children thugs?
They were expressing their frustrations with decades of failed policy.
Oh, is that what they were doing?
Well, you know what, Jeremy Dore?
I also get frustrated with decades of failed policies, some of which I enacted.
But you know what I do to deal with it?
Yet you send Irana cluster bombs over to Afghanistan and blow the legs off some children.
Well, yes, but also relieve stress and no buildings get burned down as a result.
Sir, but what about all the buildings you've burned down during the war on terror?
What the hell is going on here, Jimmy Doer?
My press secretary said you'd be lobbing me softball questions like the rest of the press corps.
Why are you asking me real questions?
Because that's what we do here on the Jimmy Dore show, bitch.
Well, did you at least see all the property damage?
Those thugs were loading up on liquor like Joe Biden on an open bar.
Yes, I saw those kids stealing from stores.
Doesn't that pale in comparison to the looting you allowed from the treasury?
God damn it, Jimmy Dore.
I didn't come here to conduct a real interview.
I want fluff questions like everybody else.
Ask me about the important issues.
Hillary entering the Chipotle or the future of the Kardashians them.
sir, I don't think anybody wants to hear the president's opinion on the Kardashians.
The hell they don't.
Didn't you see my son at the White House Correspondence Center?
Sir, you have someone else write your jokes, so you can't take all the credit for them.
Plus, at the same time you delivered those tired jokes, a city not more than 50 miles away from you was going up in flames.
Yeah, I really roasted them.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what I mean.
I think we're having a miscommunication.
Oh, you mean like when I said Americans should have universal health care and then let Elizabeth Fowler for well point right in the middle?
Yeah, kind of.
Well, how about when I said I would take care of the banks?
That I was the only thing standing between Wall Street and Main Street.
And that I didn't prosecute anyone for their egregious financial crimes.
Well, yes, I suppose so.
What about when I said we were going to wind down the war in Afghanistan, but instead I decided to funnel money from America's future and blow it up in the deserts of the Middle East?
Sir, I don't really understand what's happening right now.
I know these kids are thugs because they remind me of myself as a young Nobel Peace Prize wedding president.
Eager to burn and destroy.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Well, listen, I'm going to let you go.
The interview is getting a little too weird for me.
Jimmy, if it's too hot, get the out the kitchen.
Thug line.
All right, President Barack Obama.
Wow.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
So today's Oh my God segment, we're going to go to, you know, I don't know if faith is a good thing or not.
I mean, I, you know, I have my prejudices.
Sure.
But I can say that pretty uniformly, that the endeavor to teach faith is problematic.
Sure, okay.
And as this, here's a pastor, Eric Dammon, D-A-M-M-A-N-N.
Two N's.
Wow.
He's really, he really wants you to.
He's very serious about his consonants.
Yeah, Dammon.
Now, he's from Florida.
Not surprised.
And here he's going to give us, he's going to talk about how he brought somebody to Christ.
Here we go.
Ready?
Sure.
There was a young man in Calbury.
His name was Ben.
And I was running to YouTube.
I was there for a few years.
He was just, he was a nice kid.
He's one of those kids that was always just, he's a real smart Alec.
Who's just was a bright kid, which didn't help things, right?
Made him more dangerous.
We were outside one day, youth group, and he was just trying to push my buttons.
And he was just, you know, first of all, let's just back it up for a second.
Let's just say what he already said.
Yes.
Intelligent, intelligent school kids, they're a problem for religious leaders.
Intelligence and questioning bad, following rules, good.
Right.
Okay.
And how do we resolve this issue?
So how do we resolve this issue?
Here we go.
How do you resolve this smart kid?
Made him more dangerous.
Yeah.
And we were outside one day, youth group, and he was just trying to push my buttons.
And he was just, you know, kind of not taking the Lord serious.
And I walked over to him and I went, bam.
I punched him in the chest as hard as I crumpled him.
Punch him in the chest.
You did not see that coming, did you?
He's like, wow, how am I going to get through this kid?
Jesus, I know.
I'll punch him as hard as I can.
To be fair, Jesus Christ was a huge proponent of child abuse.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll punch him.
And I went, bam!
I punched him in the chest as hard as I crumpled the kid.
He crumpled the kid.
And he's proud of this.
He's proud of this.
He's admitting this.
There's tape of it.
He's bragging.
He's bragging.
He's bragging about it.
In a church.
In a church.
He should be investigating.
He should be taking a jail.
Yes.
Yeah.
Let's listen to the rest.
I just crumpled him.
He leaned over and said, he just crumpled him.
He just crumpled them.
And I walked over to him and I went, bam, bam.
I punched him in the chest as hard as I crumpled the kid.
I just crumpled him.
I leaned over and I said, Ben, when are you going to stop playing games with God?
Hey God, he's got more to say.
Listen.
Games with God.
I led that man to the Lord right there.
Yes.
Hey, what was this guy's ministry?
Abu Grabe?
He led him to the Lord because he killed him.
You know, to be fair, Edwin, this guy also suggests you fix a dripping faucet by hitting it.
So it's really part of a bigger philosophy.
It's really part of a bigger philosophy.
And he has a hand, but he has a pamphlet out chokeholds for Christ.
You know, I don't know if you taught that kid, if he taught that kid faith so much as a healthy fear of male authority figures, right?
I mean, that kid probably went home and played My Name is Luca over and over in his bedroom.
Am I right?
My name is Luca.
That's my name is Tony.
That's from the late 80s.
That's a deep cut.
That's a deep cut.
You got to know your pop culture.
You know, yeah.
Haven't been a lot of child abuse songs since.
He is bragging about what is usually the second act turn in an after-school special on child abuse.
And he's talking about like it was a Mayweather fight, too.
Not like, you know, a child.
Yeah.
He's like, I crumpled that kid.
Just want you to know.
I crumpled a youth.
A child laid him out.
He had no shot.
Yeah, he led that man to the Lord right there.
Or he led them to, he led him to a Texas bell tower with a duffel bag full of rifles.
What the hell was what the hell, Jesus?
What Jesus are you praying to that told you to punch a child in the chest?
I assume it's some buff BDSM type of Jesus with a tattoo that reads, kill them all, let my dad sort them out.
The type of Jesus that does CrossFit, maybe?
Maybe.
Sure.
When are you going to take the Lord seriously asked that kid?
When are you going to take the Lord serious?
Well, when you start using adverbs properly, maybe.
Also, when the Lord doesn't send the bad lieutenant to deliver his message, that might be a good starting place.
Sure, this guy's a douche, but this is this guy is kind of fierce.
He's an uncompromising sense of right and wrong that we'll need when the zombie apocalypse happens.
Let's hear it again, just before we get.
This is this got to be my favorite thing ever.
There was a young man in Calgary.
His name was Ben.
And I was running a youth.
I was there for a few years.
He was just, he was a nice kid.
He was one of those kids that was always just, he's a real smart Alec.
Who's just was a bright kid, which didn't help things, right?
Made him more dangerous.
And we were outside one day, youth group, and he was just trying to push my buttons.
And he was just, you know, kind of not taking the Lord serious.
And I walked over to him and I went, bam!
I punched him in the chest as hard as I crumpled the kid.
I just crumpled him.
I leaned over and I said, Ben, when are you going to stop playing games with God?
I led that man to the Lord right there.
Yes.
Did I see age group i'm in prison i like how he was a boy when he got punched but a man once he found god yeah i that boy i crumpled i've physically crumpled him i'd hit him so hard a boy yeah a boy i crumpled him oh by the way he is from uh uh it's a baptist church in hasbrook heights new jersey oh yeah hasbrook heights new jersey Yet another reason not to go to New Jersey.
Yet another reason.
All right.
Is God, is God a mob boss?
Like that's what he that's what he's making him out to be.
This is from God.
You're pissing off God.
Yeah.
He wants me to send you a message.
God wants his money.
I'm sorry.
It's great if his next story was.
So there's another kid who's pissed me off.
I killed his dog and put his head in his head.
I led that kid to the Lord.
I led that kid to the Lord.
Jesus really hopes nothing happens to your kneecaps.
Yeah, yeah.
I had another kid, really smart.
He was an honors kid.
I knew there was going to be trouble.
Yeah.
Because he saw through everything?
Sure.
So what I did was I stabbed him with a screwdriver.
Buried him in the metal lens.
I said, Jesus says hello.
I said, Jesus says hello.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, that was look back.
That was our special Oh my God segment.
We haven't heard the oh my God segment on the Jimmy Dore show in quite a while.
A lot of you have written to me, emailed me, and asked me to bring the oh my God segment back.
And there's a good reason why we should bring it back because there's stuff like that every day.
It used to be you had to search for those clips.
God, now because of the internet and YouTube, you see those crazy, overly religious people almost all the time now.
That guy, that's got to be one of the best ones ever.
Anyway, all right.
So I hope you enjoyed today's best of episode.
There's lots of crazy stuff.
It's painful for me to take a week off from doing the show because it seems like crazy stuff is happening every week.
And I want to talk about it.
Like last week with the Supreme Court ruling in favor of Obamacare and gay marriage, you know, a lot of Americans have more liberty and freedom since last week.
And that is really going to fuck up the 4th of July for the GOP.
There you go.
And what's with all the black churches being burned down?
When I say what's with, I guess, hey, racism alive and well.
They're burning down black churches.
And it's not getting, I don't think it's getting the media attention it deserves at all.
Are you kidding me?
Six tea partiers show up to yell at a politician.
We got all three networks there, plus CNN.
People are burning down black churches, and it's not the top story.
I think it should be a bigger story.
And you know, Frank Connoff says if burning black churches was as dangerously anti-Christian as baking gay wedding cakes, Fox News might cover the story more.
So, yes, so yes, it does hurt me to take off a week.
It really does.
Bill O'Reilly is commenting on the Supreme Court's decision.
Bill O'Reilly says gay marriage puts people of faith in danger.
Really?
You mean like physical danger?
Like when people marry Bill O'Reilly?
And Rand Paul had a meeting with Clive and Bundy.
Did you hear that?
That happened.
Rand Paul had a meeting with Clive and Bundy, and I think that was an attempt to heal the outbreak of racial unity that has recently plagued our nation.
Rand, what are you thinking?
Rand Paul, hey, let me go meet with the biggest racist ever.
Like, do you remember that's how that Clive and Bundy story ended?
There was a videotape of him saying how blacks need to get off welfare and all.
Just the whole thing, right?
So it was, and that put the end to the Clive and Bundy story.
But not so, because Rand Paul went and met with him.
God, I love Rand Paul.
All right.
So yes, it's tough for me to take time away from the show when things like this are happening.
But we'll be back at it next week with a fresh episode.
And until then, I'll see you on the premium because guess what?
I'm dropping a fresh premium episode this Sunday.
Okay.
Thanks, everybody.
This show is Cause Always written by Mark Van Landu at Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Robert Yasamura, Michael Schurcher, and Steph Samurano.
All the voices performed by the one and the only, the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
And also Jim Earl, special guest, Jim Earl and Edwin Umanya.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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