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June 27, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Hi, everybody.
This is Jimmy from the Jimmy Dore Show, and today's a special episode because I'm taking a vacation.
So, Michael Schurzer, our bright young, hilarious comedy writer, pick some of his favorite bits and sketches and segments from the Jimmy Dore show to play today.
Enjoy.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Earlier this year, Senator Tom Cotton tried to undermine Barack Obama's negotiations with the Iranians over their nuclear program, and he wrote them a letter which caused a lot of stir.
Jim Earle has the original draft.
I have here, Jimmy, the first draft of Tom Cotton's letter to the people of Iran.
Oh, so I only saw the completed copy.
I didn't this is the first draft draft.
Well, there's always a rough draft of everything.
Okay.
And this is that.
Okay, let's hear it.
It begins thusly.
Dear Ayatollah Holes.
Greetings and open sesame.
As a returning hero from the great and holy anti-Muslim wars, I should know a thing or two or three about you Persians.
After all, I did closely study your society for four years through infrared vision devices, whereupon I observed your wives bathing in the privacy of what you people call baths.
It has come to our attention while drone observing your late, I mean muscular, I mean nuclear negotiations.
That's right.
I said new cue lore because that's how it's spelled.
It's in our Bill of Rights.
Google it.
That you may not fully understand our system of constitutions.
Let me clarify this.
Firstly, under Article shut up of the Constitution, or our version of Britain's Magna Carta Blanca, and I quote, a rogue, i.e.
black president, is only allowed access to Congress through the back door without making eye contact.
Any international agreement said rogue may make shall only be worth three-fifths of the same agreement a regular president might make.
Signed Robert Durst.
End quote.
Secondly, the president may only serve two four-year terms for an total of seven years.
Whereas senators may serve an unlimited number of terms up until the rapture starts in June of 2018, in which case you can say goodbye to all those red-colored pistachios.
And thirdly, we will consider any agreement regarding your new QLAR weapons program that is not approved by the Congress as nothing more than an executive agreement between President Obama and Sinbad the Sailor.
Any agreement made without our approval will be met with an embargo of your magical Persian flying rug exports and blockade of all your ports off the east coast of France.
In summaritization, we must not and will not allow a nuclear flying rug gap.
We hope this letter enriches your knowledge of our system of constitutions and promotes mutual understanding and clarity between ourselves, your people, and your leader, Ali Baba.
Sincerely and Abba Cadabra, Tom Cotton.
First draft of Tom Cotton's letter.
Those first drafts.
First draft.
Really rough.
A lot of historical inaccuracies.
A lot of them.
Still a lot.
I want all of my life.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, Kigagi.
And now, there's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
I hope you're enjoying your summer vacation.
I'm doing my best to enjoy mine on a lake, writing in a boat.
We've got some great stuff coming up for you on today's show.
Mitt Romney visits us, the world's most easily offended listener.
We take a look at the revolving door in politics.
There's a lot that's happening on this week's show.
Plus, Liam Neeson joins us again.
Our original, we go back to Liam's calls from last year when he started calling in.
So there's a lot coming up.
Hey, it's a big news.
Lots of news has been happening, and I'm not around to cover it because I'm on vacation.
Gay marriage?
The Obamacare, the Supreme Court?
Hey, could Justice Alito be a bigger idiot?
You know, we need to spend more time.
I think we need to spend more time making fun of our Supreme Court.
We really do.
You got some real knuckleheads to Anton Scalia.
His ability to contradict himself is unparalleled.
Anyway, so we should maybe do that.
All right.
So I'm going to take, that's a good thing.
I'm going to start.
I'm going to take a look at the Supreme Court.
We need to make fun of them more often.
All right, let's get to this week's show.
There's a lot coming at you.
Enjoy your summer, and here's some of Michael Scherzer's favorite clips from the Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy Dore Show Jimmy Dore, this is actor Liam Neeson.
Oh, hey.
Hey, Liam.
Howie's Mr. Neeson.
Wow, I didn't know you were a listener to the show.
How did you find our show, Mr. Neeson?
Jimmy, as you may know, I live in New York.
Uh-huh.
Where you are broadcast at 3 a.m. on Sunday nights.
Uh-huh.
Right after the Gregorian chant hour and right before the militant black poetry slam.
Sure, in between the Gregorian chants and the black militant slam.
You know, I did know that that's when they play me in New York, so you didn't have to tell me.
Well, that is usually the time I'm patrolling the streets of Manhattan, holding back the endless tide of scumbags and vermin that seek to control the night.
And that's when you listen to my show, then?
Yes.
Okay, all right.
It is the funniest show ever in the history of anything.
It's much funnier than things that are not funny.
Yes.
Like death or alcoholism.
Yes, death alcoholism, not funny at all.
Well, thanks.
I really appreciate you saying that, Mr. Neeson.
Jimmy, I'm calling about something that isn't so funny, though.
Oh, what's that?
What's not so funny?
The dangers of multi-dimensional retail monopolies.
I don't understand.
Okay, you mean like how Amazon.com is refusing pre-orders of your film, the Lego movie?
Is that what you're talking about?
That's right, Jimmy.
It is a film that needs to be burned into the minds of every consciousness everywhere.
It's Jeff Bezos.
And a supposed Amazon has stopped this from happening.
This is unacceptable.
Okay, so for the people who are listening, I just want you to know Amazon is currently in negotiations with Warner Brothers to get a larger piece of the profits from their DVD sales without raising the price.
That's what's happening right now with Amazon, right?
Again, you're correct, Jimmy.
So now they're using strong arm tactics.
This is a mistake.
Why?
Liam Neeson does not respond to strong arm tactics.
Okay, okay, Mr. Neeson.
You know, they're also trying this with the Hashit Publishing Company.
Did you know that?
And that's not going so well for them either.
No, it's not.
Citizens cannot pre-order J.K. Rowling's new book, Tropic of Pencer.
Yeah, I don't think that's the name of J.K. Rowling's new book, Tropic of Cats.
That's not the name of it.
He should have called it.
I'll write another Harry Potter book if we all come together to really fuck Amazon.
I guess that would have the desired effect you're looking for there, Mr. Neeson.
Other films you cannot pre-order because of Jeffrey Hitler, Basils.
Okay.
Grudge Match.
Uh-huh.
And what Sly Stallone and Bob De Niro team up with a tiny black man to fight crime.
Yeah, I don't think that's what that movie is about, Liam.
300 Rise of an Empire.
Okay.
300th installment of the gripping Rise of an Empire series.
Okay, Mr. Neeson.
Independence.
Okay.
Johnny Depp and Morgan Freeman do something with computers.
Okay, that's sort of accurate about that movie.
And of course, Good Shilla.
Or as it is pronounced in the original Japanese, Guchura.
Okay.
Okay, that's not how it's pronounced in the original Japanese.
The gripping tail of a giant lizard that knocks down buildings, which displease him.
Mr. Neeson, are you just describing movie commercials?
And finally, blended.
A very humorous sort of movie in which Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore smile at one another against a background picture of Africa.
Okay.
And I think she is pointing at him in a non-threatening way.
Okay.
Well, listen, thanks for calling in, Mr. Neeson, Liam Neeson, and bringing us a very important story.
Jimmy.
A very important story.
What?
What?
Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome, buddy.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
I really, no problem.
All right, could you do me a favor or not be so fucking high every time you call me?
Okay, I'll try work.
Okay, but it is, it is fun.
It is fun.
It is fun to be, you know, you're funny.
It was written by Robert Yesamer.
Of course, it's funny.
Okay, okay, just funny.
I can't stop laughing.
Good for you, you're high.
Okay, good for me.
Liam Neeson.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
David Axelrod, former advisor to President Barack Obama, wrote a book and is now doing a book tour.
He was recently asked by a college student about the revolving door of lobbyists in and out of the Barack Obama administration.
See, this is important because on a Barack Obama's first day in office, he issued an executive order restricting former lobbyists from working in his administration.
Except any lobbyist that hadn't been registered as a lobbyist in the two years previous was exempt from those rules.
Hmm.
See, the two-year rule is how former lobbyist Alan Hoffman, who represented Visa, Freddie Mac, Unical, Chrysler, AT ⁇ T, and the American Petroleum Institute, could get a job as Joe Biden's chief of staff.
David Axelrod boldly proclaimed that the idea of a revolving door doesn't exist in the Obama administration.
And he's right.
There's really no door at all.
There's absolutely zero separation.
And to say revolving is sort of unfair.
It's almost slowed to a halt because there's so many people inside there.
It's more like a merry-go-round of fat cat Goldman Sachs insiders, none of whom were punished for the largest financial collapse in the history of the planet, which could probably be viewed as a scandal.
And sure, that happened under George Bush, but it was Obama who failed to prosecute and instead wrote those greedy jackals a fat check while inviting them to run the Treasury and the Federal Reserve.
You know, Jack Lou, who was the COO of Citigroup from 2006 to 2008, is now running the Treasury.
Then you've got Monsanto executives at the USDA and the FDA.
You get healthcare lobbyists like Elizabeth Fowler writing Obamacare.
You have former vice presidents of telecommunication companies running the FCC.
You've got the Department of Defense chock full of military contractors.
Nothing, nothing says a commitment to independence like having had nearly 700 former lobbyists working for your administration.
Ted Cruz.
Ted Cruz.
Here's Ted Cruz.
He's on the CBS Morning Show, and he's with that Gail Collins, who's Oprah's friend.
And also Nora Gail King, Oprah's friend.
She's on the CBS Morning Show.
Usually Charlie Rose is there, but he's not.
Maybe this isn't the morning show.
Ted Rose was busy.
He had to interrupt people someplace though.
Nora O'Donnell is also on the show.
And then there's a third fellow here who has a shaved head.
I don't know who he is, but he's in a suit.
And listen to the question they asked Ted Cruz.
They want to get to know him.
Because I see headlines where people say, who is Ted Cruz?
Who is Ted Cruz?
I can tell you who he is.
He's a, I don't know, he's a right-wing maniac with a narcissistic personality disorder who just may be a sociopath, who's willing to sell out his country and lie to the people who turn to him for leadership, for self-aggrandizing and power.
That's who he is.
Let's see how he can reveal himself to be even more of an insincere maniac.
What kind of music do you listen to?
You know, music is interesting.
I grew up listening to classic rock, and I'll tell you sort of an odd story.
My music tastes change.
Now, when he says odd story, what he means by odd is a completely made-up, wholly Unbelievable garbage that I'm using to pander to the dumbest mouth-breathing rednecks in the entire country, and it's going to work.
So, here it comes.
That's what he means when he says it's kind of an odd story.
And by the way, when he, back when he was younger, he told everyone he hated classic rock, and then he went out and bought a lot of classic rock albums.
He grew up listening to mostly classic rock, Frank, which explains his close relationship with Satan.
Okay, here he goes.
My music taste changed on 9-11.
His music changed taste.
And it's a very strange, I actually intellectually find this very curious, but on 9-11.
He finds it intellectually curious.
That's also what that means is he finds it interesting that he's allowed himself this much free range to completely bullshit on national television.
That's what he means by, I find this intellectually curious.
I didn't like how rock music responded.
He didn't like how, I'll back it up.
We'll get a head running sign.
Changed on 9-11.
And it's a very strange, I actually intellectually find this very curious, but on 9-11, I didn't like how rock music responded.
And country music collectively, the way they responded, it resonated with me.
And I have to say, it just is a gut level.
I had an emotional reaction that says, these are my people.
And so ever since 2001, I listened to country music, but I'm an on-country music fan because I didn't listen to it prior to 2000.
No, I hear you on country music.
And final sentence, final sentence.
You should be elected president because just.
Anyway, we'll just stop at that.
Well, this is kind of ironic.
You should be elected president.
Why?
One sentence, and here he goes.
One sentence.
Because I'll tell the truth.
So Ted Cruz.
By the way, he didn't like how rock music responded to 9-11.
So he didn't care for the millions of dollars that rock musicians raised in the benefits that they did that was on all of those networks right after Frank.
You know, they were supporting terrorists.
Frank, you know what's wrong?
Rock and roll was very pro-terrorism after 9-11.
Don't you remember?
Don't you remember with the white stripes with their album Seven Nation Caliphate?
Don't you remember that?
Puddle of Mud with their songs, Sharia is for Mia.
Don't you guys remember that?
Who was the last al-Qaeda dad for me?
I don't remember.
Yeah.
I mean, who knew that all the terrorists responsible for 9-11 were huge Blink 182 fans?
I did not know that.
Oh, and also, I don't know if you remember the song up on the roof of the building that I hope terrorists destroy.
I got it.
But I see where he's coming from because nothing makes you want to shake up your iTunes library like the death of 3,000 people in a most devastating terrorist attack this nation has ever seen.
I'm like, boy, I got to get some new tunes in my library.
It would have made more sense if he got into Prague rock because 9-11 is the time signature of most of those songs.
Wow.
That is an obscure joke, right?
That is an obscure joke.
But Frank, I think it does make sense that he switched his musical tastes after 9-11.
He switched his musical tastes.
It's like changing your favorite color.
You know, before 9-11, I used to like purple, but ever since, just red, white, and blue.
That's all I like.
Isn't that weird?
I know my dad used to tell me how after Pearl Harbor, he started hating jazz.
Oh, oh, Frank, Frank, after the Gulf of Tonkin, my dad stopped, he swore off the ukulele.
Heck, you know, the day Tim McVeigh blew up the federal building, I knew I was done with 80s funk.
*laughter*
He didn't like how rock music responded because rock music, a genre that encompasses hundreds of thousands of bands from countries all over the world, speaks uniformly as one singular body.
And we remember that, you know, rock and roll's representative Bono after 9-11 said, well, that's just one another way to remodel a building.
This is this is.
I wonder what he thought about the Dixie Chicks.
Yeah.
Yeah, remember that they, how ironic, right?
So was there, it was, you know, it was mostly rock and roll was doing a lot of things in support of the, you know, anti-terrorism.
And the Dixie Chicks were out there kind of anyway.
Everybody knows about Axel of Evil Rose.
That's right.
What's weird is that he didn't listen to country music before 9-11.
Isn't that weird?
He didn't listen to country music before 9-11.
And it just took, all it took was the destruction of three New York buildings and a wing of the Pentagon for Ted Cruz to figure out he likes Willie Nelson.
Yeah, you know what?
As he watched the Twin Towers collapse, his first thought was, hey, you know what?
Buck Owens is actually a really great guitar player.
Did all those people really have to die for Ted Cruz to figure out that he likes Tim McGraw?
You know, I bet if a nuke ever goes off, he's going to switch to rap.
I have a feeling.
And let's, Frank, let's take a moment and appreciate the hardcore level of pandering that Ted Cruz just did there.
He is trying to appeal not only to nationalistic southerners who love hearing God bless America on their radio, but he's actually trying to simultaneously squeeze out any lingering moisture left in that bloody rag of despair that Rudy Giuliani has been swinging for the last 13 years.
And he also likes how country musicians like the guy who wrote that I'm proud to be an American song didn't lift a finger to go in Iraq.
Right.
Because he said that the age that they could have signed up to go fight in Iraq and they stayed home and sang their jingoistic songs and lived lives of comfort.
And that to Ted Cruz was the proper response.
David Cross used to, I saw him one time do a joke, the comedian David Cross, that was Lee Greenwood, right, who did that song.
I think so, yeah.
There was a lyric in there where he said, and I would proudly stand up and defend her honor or something like that.
And he's like, well, go ahead.
Now's your chance.
Go ahead, sign up.
You're not doing it, though, are you?
So I thought that, of course, those guys are all, they're all nothing.
You know what?
I did actually start to listen to country after 9-11, too.
And you know what?
It was the Dixie Chicks.
Oh, okay.
It really was.
I have a lot more in common with Ted Cruz than I'd like to.
So, and I know you can't see it because this is a radio and a podcast, but while Ted Cruz is saying this stuff about country music, the other three people, including Gail King and Nora O'Donnell, they're shaking their heads in agreement with him.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, they're nodding.
They're nodding like, yeah, I get it.
Country music.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They're not.
They're all nodding.
It's insanity.
It's on.
And this is why people, they go, why do people watch news on YouTube?
This is why.
Because there's three people sitting there pretending that Ted Cruz changed his musical taste after a terrorist attack.
And they're looking at him with the same look that you give like a six-year-old who's telling you about their favorite pretend dinosaurs.
Yeah, you know?
They're like, yeah, totally.
That's great.
And Jimmy, you know this about me is that right after 9-11, the only comedian that I thought was funny anymore was Larry the Cable guy.
Yeah.
Bang.
I didn't like the way comedy responded to 9-11.
So I kind of started going with un-comedy.
Now I only follow Jeff Dunham.
Jeff Dunham was the only comedian who had the courage to insert racism into his pocket.
After 9-11.
Yeah.
That's right.
After 9-11.
That's what made him famous.
The terrorist.
Was Ahmed the terrorist bit.
Oh.
And it's still going strong.
Make some money.
And after 9-11, I stopped listening to comedy.
I went 100% Carlos Mencia.
Boom.
Okay, we got somebody on the phone.
I think it's, hello, who's on the who's on the phone?
Who do I got on the phone here?
Hello?
Greetings, Jimmy.
It's me, Mitt Romney.
I'm sorry.
You remember me?
I ran for president back in 2012.
I lost.
Oh, sure, I remember you.
How you doing, Mitt?
Yeah.
Oh, well, could be better.
I'm wondering where my purpose in life is.
I used to think I was the one that prophecies foretold.
I would become the first Mormon president of the United States, thus bringing the world together under the Latter-day Saints revelations.
Well, I guess I can see why you would be disappointed, buddy.
I thought I was Neo in the Mormon Matrix.
Well, you're not.
I'm still a bishop.
Yeah, you are.
Jimmy, you may call me your Excellency.
Don't think so, Mitt.
But listen, what have you been doing with yourself these days?
Well, to start with, for starters, I was on Meet the Press last Sunday.
That nice David Gregory asked me about Iraq.
I don't understand why people say he doesn't connect with audiences.
I found him electric and charismatic.
You might be the only one, Mitt.
My question to you is, why the hell were you asked on Meet the Press anyway?
As a multi-millionaire who doesn't hold elected office, it is important the country heed my opinions.
Meet the press thought it was important that there's at least one pro-war voice in the anti-war mainstream Peace Stick media.
Okay.
Well, listen, what do you think we should do in Iraq, Mitt?
Tell me that.
Hello.
What do you think we should do?
Oh, yes.
I agree with Senator McCain and the other Republicans.
This is Obama's fault for leaving Iraq.
We won the war thanks to the surge.
The surge worked.
That's why we need to go back to Iraq.
Okay.
Obama should have acted in Syria to take down the Shiite forces, which would have prevented Sunni forces from taking over Baghdad.
And our alliance with Iran would defeat the Iraqis, stopping their nuclear program, spreading freedom and democracy, putting boots on the ground, but letting Iraqi forces take over, not negotiating with terrorists, and stabilizing the region.
You know, Mitt, nothing you or the other Republicans are saying about this makes any sense whatsoever.
I look forward to hearing the options that the president is considering so I can oppose them.
I bet.
Military action is always the answer.
More war makes any situation better.
Yeah, well, listen, Mitt, you know, I don't think Americans, America can make this situation better.
When we topple Malachi, we'll be greeted as liberators.
The war will pay for itself.
We got to fight them over there so we don't fight them over here.
Mitt, you're repeating the same insane talking points that you had the first time in the run-up to the war.
The sequel is always better.
My definition of sanity is doing the same thing over and over again until you get the result you were expecting.
I don't think that's that.
Listen, I heard Paul Wilfowitz say that what's happening in Iraq is not a sectarian conflict, that it's al-Qaeda, ISIS forces, and everything going wrong is because of Al-Qaeda.
That wise Mr. Wolfowitz has never been wrong before.
All of our enemies are Al-Qaeda.
Syria is Al-Qaeda.
Putin, he's Al-Qaeda.
The waiter at Mossa got my order wrong?
Al-Qaeda.
You know, I don't think anything you're saying is correct, Mitt, at all.
Nothing.
I assure you, Jimmy, if I were president, none of this would be happening.
You know, Mitt, I've always wondered, what is a person like you with hundreds of millions of dollars, what do you do for fun?
Well, I have hobbies.
At night, I like to go out and key people's cars.
Wow, really?
Keevy, I need to go make one of my servants try.
Oh, okay.
Well, listen, Mitt, I appreciate you checking in with us.
Thanks, buddy.
Oh, this may be the last time I call.
Why?
Thanks to TV and newspapers wanting my opinions.
I'm relevant again.
So I don't need to talk to you anymore.
Well, just the same, Mitt, I appreciate you calling in.
It's always good to hear your voice, okay?
Go stick your dick in the shredder, you gaping-ass Irish cockroach.
Just like the old times.
I like it.
That was great.
Boy, that Mitt Romney is always something, isn't he?
I love that, Mitt Romney.
Hey, this is a special episode of the Jimmy Dore show.
That was a phone call from Mitt Romney from last year of 2014, February.
We get a lot more great look backs at some of our favorite clips, phone calls, and segments from the Jimmy Dore show because the Jimmy Dore show is on vacation this week, okay?
So we've got a lot more stuff coming up in the second half.
I hope you're enjoying this look back.
Hey, gay marriage is now the law of the land.
Just came down today as I'm dropping this.
And isn't that nice to know that I won't be able to make my gay marriage joke anymore?
I had a classic gay marriage junk, but now that we have liberty for gay people in America, I'm going to have to retire that bit.
And that's the problem with being a topical joke comedian.
All right, we got a lot more great stuff coming up in the second half.
We'll be right back with some more look backs to some of our favorite clips and sketches in one minute.
This is the Jimmy Dore Show on Pacifica.
Thank you.
Hey, welcome back to a special episode of the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm on vacation, so I let Michael Schurzer pick some of his favorite clips and sketches and bits from the Jimmy Door show to play right now.
And let's get to one of our all-time favorites.
It's the world's most easily offended listener right here on the Jimmy Door show.
Oh, this is oh, hi.
This is the most easily offered.
Yes, this is offended listener.
Oh, for our okay, so for our listeners, if you don't know, this is the most easily offended listener who listens to the show sometimes.
How are you doing?
Okay, you act like that's a bad thing.
No, no, not at all.
Well, the truth is, I happen to have a very highly developed sense of empathy that allows me to feel offended on behalf of all other humans on the planet.
Oh, that doesn't sound good.
It's my cross to bear, Jimmy, which is a metaphor I use only because it's convenient, not because I believe in the Judeo-Christian patriarchy.
Okay.
Well, fine, Mr. Funny Man.
Now, you and your persons have been having a good laugh at Governor Christie's weight issues.
Yes, we do make a lot of fat jokes about Governor Christie.
Which, to start with, it's not fat, okay?
That is hate.
They prefer plus-mass Americans, okay?
Hey!
laughter laughter Do they really?
Don't patronize me with your little gesture agrees with you, game.
Look, I'm not going to defend the jokes we make about Chris Christie.
They're totally juvenile and stupid, but they make us laugh.
Oh, and that's all that matters, isn't it?
White heterosexual male.
I don't know, man.
And the biggest offender against the corpulent is Mr. Frank Conant.
Yes, he makes a lot of fat jokes about Christie.
Yeah, well, it has come to my attention that Mr. Connant is himself a large man.
Yes, that's true.
I think he'd be the first one to admit that, though.
Well, let's see how you like it, so-called TV's Frank.
You're a fatty, a big fat fatty who does not conform to the enforced conventional norms of beauty.
I am laughing heartily.
Wow.
Mr. Connoff is so overweight that he sued Xbox 360 for guessing his weight because his weight is roughly 360 pounds, and he foolishly assumed that the Microsoft Corporation had named the device after him.
Mm-hmm.
Now, that's comedy.
And I know I've taken improv classes.
Okay.
Spontaneous combustion.
We perform live every, you know, whenever we, whatever.
Go on.
Okay.
Oh, did you hear, Jimmy?
When Mr. Connest sits around, he sits around.
Just supposing two vernacular uses of that phrase for humorous results.
You know, Joe, I don't think you're good at this joke thing.
Oh, goddess, I know.
Oh, I feel horrible about this.
Please apologize to Frank for me.
I was trying to make a point through satire.
Got it.
But even satire is so hurtful, it makes me really upset.
Where did you get those jokes?
I don't want to say.
Come on, tell me.
From a website called Your Mama.
So large.com.
But instead of large, they say daughter word.
Okay, well, that's what I thought.
And then I carefully edit out the Your Mama part so that it would make sense in this context.
I got it.
Oh, Jimmy, that website was awful.
All they were doing was making fun of overweight mothers.
And these are meant to be taunts at other children, Jimmy.
Other African American children.
I'm aware of that.
Well, shouldn't somebody do something about this?
It's just more black on black violence.
You might as well be shooting firearms at one another and then accidentally kidding the overweight mother who can't help it because she's so large.
A bullet is bound to hit her statistically.
Yes, you're right.
Listen, someone should do something about that, but I got to go here.
Listen, is there anything else you were offended by this week?
Yes.
Right after your program on KPFK, did you know there is a show called the Pacho Hour of Power?
The Pocho.
Who cares?
Yes, I did know that.
Well, as we all know, Pocho, Hour of Power, is lingo for anal sex with a naturalized Latino man.
Yeah, you know, I never heard that.
Well, it is.
And I just want to say that I'm offended by them degrading such a beautiful act of interracial love as is a private matter.
Okay.
Okay, fine.
Goodbye.
I'm offended, and you won't change that.
Okay, that was the world's most easily offended listener.
He is offended.
We got Haley Barber.
That's right.
One of our all-time faves, Haley Barber.
Here we go.
I'm Haley Barber.
Oh, hi.
Hi, Governor.
Well, look at here, Drew.
I just want to set the record straight about this Louis Gohmert.
I'm about to set the record straight about Sarah Pylon.
Okay.
So for our listeners, for some reason, Congressman Gohmert felt the need to go to the floor Of the house to explain the inaccuracies of a Saturday night live sketch about Sarah Palin from six years ago.
Is that right, Governor?
Well, you shot the camera out of my nutsack, Jimbo.
And I, Haley Barber, feel the need to correct the inaccuracies of the Gohmert sketch that he has loathe Louis Gohmert.
Okay, Governor, go right ahead.
He's a fucking jackass.
Oh, my God, sir.
Total head case.
Damn.
Crazy.
Kind of an all-around really.
Governor, I'm really surprised to hear you talking about a fellow Republican like this.
I'm Haley Barber.
Really, Governor?
Let me tell you something.
If I may think that SNL sketch didn't go far enough.
SNL sketched out.
So this is the sketch in which Governor Palin said she could see Russia from her house.
When what she actually said was one could see Russia from Alaska.
Timbo Sarah don't even know that much about geography.
Governor, are you saying that Sarah Palin, who came very close to being vice president of the United States, is illiterate?
Take clear a word, Jimmy.
How do you know this?
She told me.
Hell, she told everybody who listened.
They think that's the most going wrong thing of matter.
I'm not one of those egghead liberals or Bellway insiders.
I can't even write my own name.
Swear to God, Jimmy.
I was there when someone asked her to sign something and she just raised her hand and made it turkey.
This is incredible, Governor.
How is it that this has never come to light before?
No, I've never asked her.
I am the doubt, Jimbo.
If someone had asked her point blank, can you read?
She would have said not a word.
And then rolled right into some other name, you know, blandering.
What about when she was asked what papers or magazines she reads?
And she said, I read everything.
Well, near as I can tell, she thinks looking at pictures is reading.
If they impress her, for example, I'm pretty sure she would have said Ziggy and Clipper, the big red dog.
I'm Haley Barber.
Yes.
Yes, I know.
Let me be clear here, Jimbo.
These are not my people.
The Grand Old Party is not about this dumb and crazy shit.
We are about evil.
We hear about making money on the banks of the environment and poor people.
We hear about coded racism and frat boy foreign policy.
We're about denying women health care and equal pay.
We're about scapegoating the Mexicans and the homos.
But I'll tell you one thing: we know what we are doing the whole gall dang time.
Governor.
Governor Barber.
Yes, Governor Barber.
Why do you think Representative Gomert felt the need to give this speech?
Oh, he likes Sarah, you know, like he lacks her.
I get you.
And this is just the only way he knows that it's business.
He does this once in a while.
Remember that terror babies comment?
Yeah, that's where he claimed terrorists were being sent here in pregnant women.
That's the one.
Yeah.
That was his way of letting Condy Ross know he had some jungle fever for her.
Really?
For real.
Sure.
Just the other day, he called me and he told me, I'm going to make a space that's going to make Sarah Palin want to get me a handy in the backseat of my Corolla.
I got a head.
Me and the boys got to go do some southern crap.
You wouldn't understand.
I'm sure I wouldn't.
Haley Barber has left the chat room.
I'm a heli barber.
I'm a heli barber.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Hey, Jimbo.
How's it going out there in Lib Land?
Is this Bill O'Reilly?
Ah, Jimmy Dore, isn't that cute?
Playing coy with me.
You know damn well this is none other than the number one phenom on Fox News, the best collegiate field goal kicker to ever grace the turf.
Come on, Jimmy Dorr's big papa bear, you loiter sack liberal.
Wow, that seems like quite a lot to fit on a business card, Bill.
How's it going, Bill?
How's it going?
You know how it's going, Jim Beam.
It's going terribly.
Your radical lefty friend Bernie Sanders has decided to muddy the waters of the presidential race in 2016.
That water has been pretty muddy already.
I mean, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson.
If it was any Mercury, you'd be swimming in the Gulf of Mexico, buddy.
How dare you talk about the dream team like that, you must.
I haven't seen such an impressive lineup since I was covering the war zone at Woodstock.
Bill, I don't think any large gathering of people constitutes a war zone.
I know you've had this problem before.
Shut up.
Okay.
Okay, Bill, don't, don't, don't, don't, Bill, Bill.
Don't tell me about problems, Jimmy Dore.
America's going to have problems now that Bernie Sanders, a self-proclaimed socialist, is running for president.
Well, he's actually a Democratic socialist, and so what?
That's not a bad thing.
Do you even know what Democratic socialism is?
Of course I do, Jimmy Dore.
What is this?
A high school civics exam?
I went to Harvard, you know.
Okay, so what is it?
You would ask that, Jimmy Dore.
What is it?
It's sort of like, did I mention I went to Army?
Yeah, you did, Bill.
It was equally unimpressive the second time around.
Democratic socialism means a cooperative economy and political system that works for people, not just the rich.
That sounds awful.
What a lot of Nordic countries with better standards of living have.
You know who else supports socialism, Jimmy?
Now, who, Bill?
ISIS and Al-Qaeda.
Bill, what are you talking about?
Yes, you heard it here.
Breaking news.
ISIS and Al-Qaeda are huge socialists.
Okay.
Bill, that doesn't make any sense.
Okay.
I feel like you're just injecting the names of two things you know people are afraid of when someone points out a fact that you don't like.
Listen here, DeWar.
We all know you're simply trying to cover the tracks of your pal Bernie Sanders.
No, Bill, I'm calling you on your bull like nobody else will, but I would be lying if I didn't honestly say we are pretty happy Bernie Sanders is running.
Even if he doesn't win, he'll do a good job of steering Hillary to the left.
You lily-livered libs love steering things to the left, don't you?
Not as much as you love forcing things to the right, Bill, especially when you're wrong.
Plus, his campaign has already received tremendous support.
In a matter of 24 hours, they registered over 100,000 volunteers, supporters, and raised over $1.5 million, Bill.
See, Jimmy Dore, even your lefty socialist friend Bernie Sanders is bought and paid for.
Yeah, the donations came from the people, Bill, and not like corporations are people by friend people, but actual living and breathing people.
Some who'd never donated to political campaign before.
The average donation was around $45.
Ha!
I just dropped that much money on the ground in Manhattan and didn't bother to pick it up because my time is worth more.
The blacks and Mexicans will find it.
Bill, don't let it be said that big Papa Bear never supported charity.
I work hard for my money.
Not like you, Scobberlotches, and gutter snipes.
Not to match it, you bad motor fingers.
Jesus Christ, Bill.
You're a terrible human being.
And where do you get all these antiquated insults?
Scubber blotcher, loiter sack, much muck spout.
Are your speeches being written by Victorian Rose Comic?
Hey, won't you shut the hell up, Jimmy Dore?
You always do this, Bill.
I'm not gonna.
Shut up.
I'm not gonna.
Shut up, Jimmy Dore.
Shut the up.
I'm not going to shut up.
Shut the off.
I'm gonna end this call, buddy.
All right, Jimmy.
Always a pleasure.
Okay.
Oh, yourself.
All right, Bill O'Reilly.
All right.
This is Jimmy Dore.
Who's this?
It's, you know, it's Harrison Ford.
Mr. Ford, wow, wow.
Why are you calling?
I'm not a lot of painkillers.
Oh, that's right.
You had that plane crash in Santa Monica a few weeks ago.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was me.
So, how are you feeling?
I have this phone, you know, on it.
There was a number in here, and it said, this guy is cool.
So, are you cool?
I'd like to think I'm cool, Mr. Harrison.
Come on, man.
You know what I mean?
Are you, you know, cool?
Do you mean do I smoke pot?
Jesus, don't say it out loud.
The man could be listening.
Okay, yes, Mr. Ford, I'm cool.
That's great.
I mean, that's really great.
So, you want to get high?
Right now?
Yeah, sure.
It'd be like phone sex, but only with pot and, you know, not sex.
You know what, Mr. Ford?
I really can't get high right now.
Mind if I do?
Not at all.
I heard he did.
So you wrapped shooting on Star Wars Episode 7.
What was that experience like?
Come on, man.
I don't want to talk about that stuff.
Just real quick for our listeners, all right?
What was the question now?
How was the question was: how was working on the new Star Wars?
It was good.
Anytime I get to shoot a movie without George Lucas, I'm pretty content.
Oh, you don't like George Lupit Lucas?
No, he's fine.
It's just that guy is like the Thomas Kincaid of filmmaking, man.
Did you see those last three films?
You mean the Star Wars prequels?
They were like tacky.
The price of soundtrack wasn't by up with people.
Yeah, I didn't care for those movies either.
You didn't see them.
Don't buy them.
I'm sorry, I'm going off scratch.
Yeah, but if I had seen them, I wouldn't have cared for them.
I guarantee that.
Say yes.
Yes.
I am high all the time, man.
For me not to enjoy a movie is virtually impossible, okay?
I've watched Battlefield Earth four times, dude.
I'm telling you a movie is bad.
It's got to be like two girls, one cup bad.
I hear you.
I hear you, Mr. Ford.
Did you see that two girls, one cup?
I didn't see it, but I do know what you're talking about.
It's not a good film, but boy, you know, really does sort of make you think.
Intense thoughts, man.
Listen, listen, Mr. Harrison Ford.
How is your recovery going?
Well, it's great to be out of the hospital.
You didn't like the hospital?
Oh, no.
It's so boring.
They only let you smoke pot like twice a day there.
Pretty much the same wolf gank puck food over and over.
That's not what the hospital is like for most people, Mr. Ford.
Yeah, and then Callista would come in every day and give me a handy, which is nice.
But, Mr. Ford, you might not want to talk about it.
I still couldn't ejaculate her or anything.
So it was nice to just watch her tiny little child hands playing with my junk.
Jesus Christ.
They go, right?
So you're going to keep flying, Mr. Ford?
Why wouldn't I?
Well, you're in your 70s now, and you've survived three plane crashes.
Well, yeah, you know, I've been thinking about that, and I'm starting to think I might be some kind of god.
You know, not a god exactly, but maybe a demigod like Achilles or Batman or something like that.
Man, dilauded is amazing.
Did I pronounce that right?
Yes.
You're undiloured?
I mean, three plane crashes won't kill me.
I've got this weird wood sprite fairy wife.
I work with Steven Spielberg.
So, yeah, I definitely might be a god.
Mr. Ford, I definitely don't think you're a god.
Come on, man.
We're just talking here.
You know, we're spinning it out and figuring it out, man.
All right.
Okay.
Yeah, you're right.
You want to know something crazy?
Yeah.
I have no idea who this is.
It's just Jimmy Dore.
Yeah, that doesn't mean anything to me.
I have a radio show in Los Angeles.
Okay, Jimmy Dore, whoever you are.
So I'm just going to go, you know, I'm going to go to sleep now.
Okay, that was Harrison Ford, ladies and gentlemen.
Good night, Mr. Ford.
Sleep tight.
Wow.
So I don't know how familiar you are with the travel show on PBS that is hosted by one man named Rick Steves.
But Mike McRae, our genius Impressionist, is familiar with that show, and he put together a trip to Baltimore from Rick Steves.
Here it is.
I'm Rick Steves.
For years, I've been writing books and making television programs telling people how to backpack all across Europe without breaking the bank.
But there is a great big country right here in America, too, where you've explored, with all its quaint nooks and crannies, with a rustic, crumbling infrastructure, nice gouging airlines, and a train system that can only be described as perpetually Morland.
Getting around the U.S. can be as much of an adventure as reaching your destination.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
you you I decided to start my American journey appropriately in the home of our national anthem, Baltimore, Maryland.
Quite nestled in one of the fingers of the Maryland side of the Chesapeake Bay, Baltimore was founded in 1729 and swiftly became one of the most important port cities of the mid-Atlantic.
I'm sitting here at the inner harbor overlooking majestic Federal Hill.
Today, not only is this where tourists come to see one of the largest aquariums in the world, oh, look at that fish.
Its thriving nightlife is where the well-to-do come to whine and dine.
But years ago, it was a functioning port where millions of immigrants came to begin their new lives.
It was also a hub of the international slave trade, where hundreds upon thousands of hapless, shackled souls began an agonizing journey to the deep south, which either took their lives or condemned them and their progeny to generations of misery.
In 2015, I am enjoying the ultimate Maryland delicacy, crab cakes.
No breadcrumb filler here, just lumpy crustacean goodness.
And whether it's a crab cake or a pile of steamed crabs, don't forget the Old Bay seasoning.
To do otherwise is to commit heresy around these parts.
Right now, I'm walking down historic Calvert Street in West Baltimore.
Well, before the Civil War, Baltimore became a haven for free blacks who had managed to escape slavery, most notably Frederick Douglass.
Here's his stone house right here.
But with the mass immigration of Irish and German immigrants, these free black communities became slowly impoverished as the preferred whites were able to secure labor and eventually flourish.
And you'll be glad they did when you sample the many local craft beers and, my favorite, old-fashioned bakeries.
Many as good as the Beccarion in Old Country.
Here is world famous Otterbein's Cookie Company.
Still family-run, still delicious.
Chocolate chip is the best seller, of course.
But for my money, their simple sugar cookie takes the cake, so to speak.
Thanks for the cookies, Mr. Audubine.
Go yourself.
And you still speak a dialect of German.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
Spell sticking dialects of German.
And finally, here is East Baltimore, as made famous in HBO's The Wire and Homicide, Life on the Street.
A lively, vibrant culture provides for many exciting night activities.
Apparently, I stumbled upon some sort of impromptu street festival.
Hirokus Affair.
Young black men reenacting what appears to be a less happy time in their history.
Perhaps the Nat Turner Rebellion.
White reenactors portraying dystopian, futuristic versions of armed, violent plantation overseers of the past.
What an artful, culturally meaningful way to commemorate the trials and tribulations of days long gone.
This young man with the megaphone seems to be the leader.
Excuse me.
Do you ever put old bay on Audubine sugar cookies?
I heard that's done sometimes.
What the f are you talking about, old bay?
People are getting killed in the streets.
They're murdering us.
You try to send people to Edgar Allen's hose house.
They need to send us some jobs.
Out of Baltimore, you tote bad carrying motherfuckers.
This fellow is not happy that I'm here.
What's that way?
Well, that's all the time I have for Baltimore.
But I'll have to come back because there's so much more to see and do.
The beautiful, multicolored shipping containers filled with useless plastic crap and dead sex trafficking victims.
Historical bridges with piles bearing intricate, spiral-cracking patterns, signaling imminent catastrophic structural failure.
And of course, more crab cakes.
Until next time, this is Rick Steve's America.
Wow.
Okay, that was Rick Steen.
*Loud laugh*
Hey, thanks for sticking with us through our favorite.
Hey, and that's our look back at some of our favorite clips from the Jimmy Dore show.
We'll be back next week.
Thanks for listening.
The show, as always, is written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasimura, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zamarano.
All the voices performed by the one and only Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
Special jokes written by Jim Earle, one of our favorite guests.
Also, Frank Coniff.
You know him, you love him.
That's it for this week.
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