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June 19, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Recently, there's been lots of talk about a joke candidate running for president.
You know, an obvious opportunist, only concerned with expanding their own brand, who treats running for the most powerful office in the country with the same seriousness of a reality TV show.
But enough about Mike Huckabee.
Rick Santorum.
Ben Carson, Rick Perry, and every other Republican candidate.
Donald Trump announced on Tuesday he's running for president.
Yay!
And it has been already learned that Trump paid actors $50 to cheer for him at his announcement.
You know what?
Wait a minute.
I wouldn't call the people hired to cheer for Trump during his campaign announcement.
Actors, I'd call them great actors.
People who want transparency in government look forward to having someone as openly racist as Trump in the White House.
And everybody thinks Donald Trump is extremely intelligent, Donald Trump says.
Plus, his life story is an inspiration to us all.
Donald Trump had to overcome many obstacles in his life, like being born wealthy and being born Donald Trump.
True.
He's already done so much for our country, like exposing the horrifying truth that President Obama was born in America.
You know what Trump's immigration policy is just by looking at his ex-wives.
Donald Trump made the claim that he will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.
That's the setup and the punchline.
He'll be fired before he's hired, but it should be worrying to the civic-minded that one of the steps up the corporate media ladder is running for president of the United States.
The Sarah Palins, the Herman Kanes, Michelle Bachmans, Mike Huckabee's, and Donald Trump's have been considered viable political representatives.
It's time we realize it's not a clown car.
It's a clown party.
Think back to the raised hands in the 2012 election when the GOP field was asked if they do not believe in evolution.
Conservative intellectual apologists will insist that these politicians are not as stupid as they present themselves to be, but are merely representing their voting constituents.
So Republican voters should be comforted by the realization that these politicians are not dipshits.
They just think you're a dipshit.
The GOP has become the party of snake oil salesmen, hucksters, conmen, and grifters.
Yeah, of course Trump is a joke, but the Republican Party is a tragedy.
I want a party now!
It's the Jimmy Dore show.
the show for up-minded, lowly-livered lapdies.
The kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to your T-View.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Everybody, welcome to this week's show.
I am joined on the phone from New York City.
You know him.
You love him from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
Yay.
Also with me in the studio, hilarious comedian from Team Yasmer.
It's Robert Yasmur.
Hey, Robert.
Ohio.
Yay.
Also, our resident Latina from the blog The Miserable Liberal, the host of Common and Everything Else, it's Steph Samarano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Ariba, Reba, Reba.
What does Ariba mean?
I think it just means Ariba.
Also with us hilarious comedian Michael Schurzer.
Hi, Michael.
Hey, what's up, Jimmy?
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, did you hear Jurassic World?
Jurassic World, the movie, it opened.
It had the biggest opening ever.
Turns out the public was clamoring to see something they'd seen three times already.
Hey, now that Rachel Dolans has been established, how do you say her last name?
Dolezal.
Phew.
Rachel Dolezal.
You know, she's the NAACP.
Former.
She said she was white.
Yeah.
Formerly Caucasian.
Well, now that it's been established that she's white, the police are canceling plans to break up her next bull party.
You know what?
In all this Rachel, how do you say her last name?
Dole Jolly in all this Rachel Dolajal controversy, you know, the ones who come off really great are the parents who busted her on national TV.
Yeah.
You know, it's weird because she pulled the rare reverse Michael Jackson.
Because Rachel went from being a white woman to a black woman, whereas Michael Jackson went from being a black male to a white woman.
So at the end of the day, they're both white women.
And you know, the weird thing is, is people are comparing this, how do you say her name, Rachel?
Dolejall, that people are comparing her situation with that of Bruce slash Caitlin Jenner's situation.
But the difference is in disclosure, right?
Rachel was outed by her parents, and Caitlin Jenner willingly posed as the centerfold for a national publication.
Also, Caitlin didn't start campaigning for women's issues from the perspective of a woman.
She just killed a guy.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
And what's more interesting to me about these two is that Caitlin Jenner actually did kill a guy, and all anyone is talking about is how brave she is for undergoing her transition.
But Rachel gave up white privilege in order to work for civil rights, and somehow she's the asshole.
That's good.
That's a good point.
These are good points.
If I seem a little non-plussed about all this, it's because this is just a sideshow.
Yeah, just good jokes.
Okay.
I'm excited about the construction of the jokes.
I agree.
I'm not going to cover this in the show today.
Yeah, I don't give.
I couldn't give them.
But they're great jokes.
Yes.
And you know what?
I often feel as though I like black people more than I like white people too.
Like, for instance, Frank, if I show up at a party and it's all white people, I'm terrified someone's going to corner me and talk to me about indie bands for three hours.
Whereas if I show up at a party and it's all black people, I know we're going to have a great time until the police pull their guns on us.
Hey, did you see Chuck Todd on Meet the Press?
He had, this is true.
This is a true question.
His question was, is Hillary a relic of the past?
Let's ask our guest, Mitt Romney.
Oh, Yes.
Mitt Romney, who's visiting us from the future.
He will be on today's show.
He will be on today's show.
Hey, did you know Jeb Bush also announced, and Jeb wants to keep religion out of climate science, but is willing to open a mega church inside of a woman's uterus?
It's reassuring to know that Jeb Bush will take his brother's advice on Iraq, but ignore the Pope's warnings about climate change.
And you see, Jeb Bush was on Fallon slow jamming the news.
It was so cool, and he's such a good sport.
And holy fuck, do I miss David Letterman?
Silver comedy at its lowest.
At its lowest, I saw some of it.
At its mad year, nothing is worse than that.
Yes, right?
It's like you're supposed to be making fun of these guys.
Yeah, and instead you're devoting two segments to showing what a great guy he is.
Do you think at their morning meeting, the people at Fallon go, how can we make this more harmless?
How can we make what we do more toothless?
And you know what?
Call the people at Prairie Home Companions, see what they do.
They're going to have the new Jimmy, the Jimmy Fallon show Nerf Edition.
That's what it is already.
Nerf.
By the way, have you heard about Jerry Seisfolk's new show?
No.
comedians and cats not stopping for black people.
Ha ha ha ha!
Comedians and casts.
Where are we?
What am I doing?
You're still doing yourself.
Oh, and still doing jokes.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
You went from Rachel DeLajah to something else.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Hey, did you hear the FDA wants to ban trans facts?
Yes.
So I'm saying, hey, just because you're overweight and confused about your sexuality doesn't mean there isn't a place for you.
Trans fat is Chris Christie's drag queen name.
Oh, God.
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
We get an FBI, an FBI person's insight into what happened in McKinney, Texas.
Yeah, we're going to talk more about that.
The answer just might surprise you, or will it?
Plus, Goldman Sachs has a new commercial about how they're helping out the third world.
Will it surprise you?
I think it's going to.
Also, Donald Rumsfeld tries to walk back his support for the Iraq invasion.
That's a lot of walking.
Yes.
Also, we get the deputy of the deputy of ISIS planning for the president is on the show, and he's going to tell us that the plan is working.
Also, Mitt Romney tells us what definitely would work in Iraq.
Plus, Donald Trump announced he's running for president.
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Lindsey Graham.
Flindsey Graham.
Mitt Romney.
From Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush.
Plus, a lot more.
today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
So Donald, so Donald Rumsfeld not feeling the love for the Iraq war like he used to, because he used to say this.
Remember, he used to say this?
People said the Japanese couldn't have a democratic system.
People said the Nazis couldn't be replaced with a democratic system.
Is someone smart enough to know that the Iraqis are, for whatever reason, unique on the face of the earth, that they're not capable of living in a free system?
I don't know that.
I'm hopeful that's wrong.
So that was the classic Donald Rumsfeld.
That's classic.
You know, people said the Japanese couldn't live with him.
Oh, why can't the Iraqis people have it?
He sounds so real.
Everything he says sounds so goddamn reasonable, doesn't it?
Oh, yes.
Yeah, but we didn't go into Japan and rip it up, and there weren't three different tribes fighting over the goddamn country, you idiot.
That's why we also occupied Japan for a hell of a lot longer.
Right.
And it's not sitting on a bunch of oil.
Okay.
And also, we conclusively won the war with Japan.
That's a different situation.
Yes.
Yes.
Are you guys forgetting about the victories in Iraq and Afghanistan?
Yes.
No, we had one.
Megan Kelly told me so.
We won.
So now Donald Rumsfeld, so Donald Rumsfeld tried to walk that back, that support for democracy in Iraq that he was proclaiming on Meet the Press.
That was a clip from Meet the Press.
Now, just he was giving an interview to the Times, I think the London Times, and he said the idea that we could fashion a democracy in Iraq seemed to me unrealistic.
He just, you just heard what he said.
I think we can do this.
Why can't it happen?
He said, I was concerned about it when I first heard those words.
But he decided not to share that with anybody at the time.
No, he decided not to.
So it's not like it's his job to give advice to the president or anything.
Yeah.
So he, so he's he, so he, that's his, him walking back his support for the Iraq invasion.
And then when it came out that he said that to the Times, people were all over him for saying that.
So then he tried to, what did he do, Chris Hayes?
He tried to walk that walk back back.
So he tried to walk that walk back back.
He tried to double it.
And here's what he says now after that.
We were not there to be occupiers.
And my concern, I'm for democracy, but my concern about the word was that it would leave the impression in that country inaccurately that the United States intended to impose its form of democracy on their country.
So that's him walking back his walk back.
So first he said he was for democracy in Iraq, and then he said he never thought it could work democracy.
And now he's saying, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I was just having a problem with the word democracy, not the actual democracy.
Now he's saying that he thought we'd be greeted as fabricators.
LAUGHTER So now how is the fight going in ISIS?
So first of all, let's remember why we were in Iraq in the first place, right?
Donald Rumsfeld, all the BS.
We're going to bring democracy.
We're going to freedom.
Here is Colonel Wilkinson.
was the chief of staff to Colin Powell.
I have always thought that this was a camouflage for our real purpose, which was...
Essentially to make sure that potentially 300 to 400 billion barrels of oil got access to the world, was not controlled by a dictator, was at a reasonable price and consistently available for our allies and ourselves.
That's always been my view of the strategic purpose of that war.
So there you go.
So that was the whole point of that war.
All right.
I just want to remind everybody that's why we went there.
It wasn't because he had WMDs.
It wasn't because we were afraid he was going to attack our country.
It wasn't any of that.
It was because we wanted oil.
We wanted the free flow of oil.
So payback from Dick Cheney to his former employers who gave him a lot of money and then he got them a lot of money with the no big touchdown.
Yes, of course.
Yes, of course.
It was paying back.
They gave Dick Cheney a $35 million down payment for a war when he got elected vice president.
He had to leave Halliburton.
They gave him, was it $30 million or $35 million?
It was up there.
It was more than that, I think.
Probably.
So, and then Bingo, what do you know?
We get in a war in Iraq with a bunch of no-bid contracts and they make billions and billions of dollars.
That was some good seed money that they gave Dick Cheney.
You keep saying war in Iraq.
Do you mean Operation Freedom?
Yes, Operation Freedom.
That's what it was called, right?
So now they have, so I was watching, so now we're fighting ISIS.
So I don't know why, and I don't know why we're fighting ISIS, but they brought on, I was watching Chuck Todd press the meet, and they bring on the new guy in charge.
What's his, he's got quite a title.
Let's listen.
Deputy Special Presidential Envoy for the Global Coalition to Counter ISIL or ISIS.
That's quite a title.
Listen to it.
It takes four seconds to get that out, by the way.
Ready?
Deputy Special Presidential Envoy for the Global Coalition to Counter ISIL or ISIS.
Oh my God.
Deputy, what is it?
Let's see.
Operation 11,000.
21,000.
31,000.
41,000.
It takes four seconds.
Here, I'll say my name, ready?
Deputy Jimmy Dora.
Presidential envoy.
That's it.
We're done.
So here he is.
And here's what.
So now President Obama has committed a couple of hundred more quote-unquote advisors to go over to Iraq to fix everything.
Kimber is.
Yeah.
So we're going to go fix everything with a couple hundred guys.
And I bet that will fix everything.
So here's what this guy says to Chuck Todd with a straight face.
When I was in Iraq last week, he was in Iraq last week.
How'd it go?
What did it look like?
You were there, the deputy senior in charge of deputying for the president's special envoy.
He actually went over there but had to leave before he finished telling them his title.
That's how long.
That's how long he's there.
It is.
When I was in Iraq last week, we were talking not only to the central government leaders, but the governor of Anbar province, the local tribal leaders.
I just got off the phone with some of our commanders in the field.
Now that we're based at Dakota, we're working with a tribal committee in Anbar.
We're going to see over the next week, I think pretty soon some new tribal fighters coming in to get equipped and to get into the fight.
Oh, there you go.
So it's all we're all taken care of.
So now he just got off the phone with him.
Sounded like he was charming a snake.
No, no, he's got it all worked out, you guys.
I don't know if you guys figured.
Oh, no, no, it's definitely going to work this time.
Did you listen?
It's all taken care of.
Yeah.
There's no exactly no difference between that and saying we sent CIA advisors to train Mountain Yars in the hills of Cambodia and then they got massacred.
Yes.
Like there's no difference.
It doesn't work.
It's a huge waste of time.
Are you saying history repeats itself?
What?
Are you saying that deployed veterans to become homeless alcoholics?
Already.
Already.
By the way, the Iraqi army who ran.
Yes.
We trained those guys.
What makes us think our training techniques gotten that good in the last two or three years?
Again, I'm saying, Robert, you are 100% right.
So we said.
Did this guy just talk to the tribal leaders?
No, you just talked to them.
We spent $25 billion training the Iraqi army.
$25 billion.
Meanwhile, 40 kids in the classroom in America.
We spent $25 billion training the Iraqi army.
As soon as ISIS showed up, they ran.
They outnumbered ISIS overwhelmingly.
They didn't care.
They're not fighting for Iraq because it's not their part of Iraq.
Iraq isn't a real country.
To their credit, Jimmy, they are in good shape.
So they are in good shape in those monkey bars.
So here.
They ran away pretty quickly.
So here is Richard Engel or Peter Engel or whatever Engel guy from NBC.
And what do you think about the extra troops?
The U.S. military fought for about a decade with hundreds of thousands of ground troops.
It's hard to see how a few hundred non-combat troops are going to make much of a difference.
Okay, so I'm with you there.
I'm 100% with him.
It's like we're there with hundreds of thousands of troops.
All of a sudden, now 400.
So it's as dumb as anything, except I don't know if you listen to this guy.
The governor of Anbar Province, the local tribal leaders.
I just got off the phone with some of our commanders in the field.
Now that we're based at Dakota, we're working with a tribal committee in Anbar.
We're going to see over the next week, I think pretty soon, some new tribal fighters coming in to get equipped and to get into the fight.
Yep, there you go.
So you go.
So you're going to see.
It's going to be worked out.
You're going to see.
Now that they have the thing with the thing and the stable and the thing, now they're going to see the other tribals and the thing, and he's got it all worked out.
He wouldn't just, of course he knows what he's talking about.
Do you know who he is?
Deputy Special Presidential Envoy for the Global Coalition to Counter ISIL or ISIS.
So this guy knows what he's talking about.
So then Chuck Todd asks him, you know, George Bush came out and he's a little upset with Barack Obama's handling of the Middle East.
George Bush.
And he said this.
Chuck Todd gives him this one.
I'm going to ask you about something former President George Bush said this week in an interview with an Israeli media outlet.
He said this.
A fair number of people in our country were saying that it was impossible to defeat Al-Qaeda in Iraq, which is ISIS as far as I am concerned.
They said I must get out of Iraq, but I chose the opposite.
I sent 30,000 more troops as opposed to 30,000 fewer.
I think history will show that al-Qaeda and Iraq was defeated.
And so I chose the path of boots on the ground.
We will see whether or not our government adjusts to the realities on the ground.
He's essentially the first time we've heard him directly, I think, criticize the strategy.
He thinks there has to be boots on the ground.
Why is he wrong?
No, we're actually wrong.
I don't know, Chuck.
I don't know, Chuck.
It works out.
Like, he's accepting George Bush's framing that we won in Iraq.
Right.
So just Chuck Todd repeating, repeating, easily debunkable BS and acting his guest to debunk it instead of debunking it himself.
Why do you use your news show to forward bullshit?
That's what he's doing.
So instead of embarrassing George Bush and putting it in the proper context of the what it was was the biggest foreign policy debacle in our history, costing us trillions of dollars.
Meanwhile, people are still angry that poor people can see a doctor sometimes.
George Bush gets a residual from ISIS.
There it is, creation.
So there's this guy, Clay Hanna.
He served in the U.S. Army from 2003 to 2008.
He's an officer in the National Guard.
So he wrote an open letter to the president, and he made some good points.
He says, Mr. President, pretending four or five hundred more American quote-unquote advisors and trainers can make any more difference in Iraq than the previous contingent you sent in.
Now we are at that point again, Mr. President.
Nine months ago, I wrote that your strategy lacked clarity, that it was unrealistic to believe that our air power alone Would destroy the Islamic State and cynical to tell the American people that there would be no boots on the ground.
Our boots on the ground have doubled to approximately 3,500 men since then.
There is, in fact, no middle ground in combat or warfare.
We either need to go to war with the Islamic State, employing overwhelming force and the full commitment of our citizens and our Congress, or we need to get out altogether and resort to a national strategy of offshore containment.
And so this guy goes on with Megan Kelly, and she asks him a good question, and he gives her an answer.
I don't think because she just wants to bash President Obama, right?
So that's what they do for money.
And so now she brings this guy in who wrote this letter and she asks him this question.
You're saying, make a real choice and then stand behind it.
So the whole thing is, Barack Obama's indecisive, and he is.
He starts to give her the answer she wants and then he's asked.
Correct.
Yeah, I think that this whole debate that we've been having has been centered around the wrong question.
The real question should be: is this in our strategic interest to be in Iraq?
Is it in our strategic interest to defeat ISIS?
And is there a moral imperative to defeat ISIS?
So those are the questions no one's asking.
And those are the questions we've been asking on this call.
Why are we there?
Why do we need to defeat ISIS?
How does this help us?
What do we think we're doing?
Is there a moral imperative to fight ISIS?
And if people in Iraq, Iraqi citizens with overwhelming power won't fight against ISIS, how are we going to convince and why are we going to convince American GIs to go fight for Iraq against ISIS in the Middle East?
I mean, if their own people, so these are all the questions we should be asking that no one is asking and they're not being answered.
Megan Kelly, of course, ignored that, what he said, and moved right on.
But, you know, in defense of Lindsey Graham saying boots on the ground, he just likes boots.
Those are nice boots.
So here.
Yes, go ahead, Frank.
I was just going to say that the Iraq war is a success in the sense that it's having a longer run than Mamma Mia.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
Wow.
So here they bring on Mitt Romney.
Megan Kelly brings on Mitt Romney.
And here's the question she asks him.
You wanted the job he now holds.
You've given it some thought.
Do you have any strategy for defeating ISIS?
Well, of course.
Of course he does.
I can't wait.
Of course he does.
Here it comes.
What is the plan, Mitt?
Right strategy for ISIS, I think, divides into two parts.
One is the phase one, which is to hold.
Phase one.
The first one is phase one.
Okay.
Phase one is the first thing.
Phase one is a good place to start.
To concentrate it in one place.
So sometimes phase one is second, but just.
One is the phase one, which is to hold ISIS where it is and to concentrate it in one place, keep it from spreading.
Phase two is ultimately to defeat it and eliminate it.
Okay, so those are the two phases.
Wow, I love how specific that that plan is.
There you go.
Here's what he pretends he's being specific.
Watch.
Phase one to be successful.
We have to make absolutely sure that Baghdad will not fall, that the capital of the Kurdistan region will not fall.
We have to also make sure that we pick a city, a symbolic city, that we take back.
When I say we, I'm talking about the forces of good here.
As opposed to the forces of bad, the forces of good, by the way, Saudi Arabia, I don't know, the Shiites, right, who are in the Iranians.
They're the good people.
They're the forces of good.
All of a sudden, the Iranians are.
It's so funny.
The forces of who are the forces?
Again, what the F are we ever doing over there?
Trying to pick good guys and bad guys in the Middle East.
They're all beheading each other.
They all hate each other.
Here we go.
And then we have to employ the kind of guerrilla tactics to a certain degree that they employ with night raids and, of course, with effective bombings, which have been pinpointed by people on the ground that are able to identify places to hit.
And then where there are new sprouts, where ISIS is sprouting off, whether in Northern Africa or other places in the Middle East, we have to send in special forces to make sure we stop on those sprouts before they metastasize into something even more dangerous.
So you got it.
He's got a good gardener.
You need a good gardener over there.
He's got to stop down on those.
He's got it all figured out, Frank.
I don't know if you heard.
He's got it all figured out.
I think her next question should have been, why the fuck am I asking you?
Hey, Mitt, it's Jimmy Door.
How are you doing, buddy?
Oh, I'm doing great, Jimmy.
How are you?
Mitt.
Hey, I'll tell you, hey, guess hey, Buster.
Did you see me on TV the other day?
Yes, I saw you with Megan Kelly.
Yeah, give it people over a big old line of bullshit about my three-point plan to defeat ISIS.
Wow, that was fun.
People listen, too.
Yes.
I don't know how to defeat Muslims to the Middle East.
I couldn't even defeat a Muslim for president.
But people keep asking, Mitt.
Isn't that amazing?
I don't.
People keep asking me.
Why would people keep asking your opinion?
You lost.
I don't know.
People think I'm a, you know, I'm a businessman, and people like to think of all things as extensions of business.
How would a businessman defeat ISIS?
How would a businessman defeat ISIS?
Reduce their market share of insanity.
Sell a bunch of shitty loans so they all have to default on their hunt.
That's that'll go.
Then you set them up with a balloon payment.
And they're wiped out.
Problem solved.
Okay, well, thanks, Mitt.
I really appreciate it.
Hey, no problem.
We're going to lay this out on the next quarterly meeting.
I'll give you credit.
You helped put it together.
Okay, thanks, Mitt.
All right, Buster.
Happy 4th of July, Jimmy.
I hope you blow your dick off with some black cats.
Okay, that was Mitt Romney, ladies and gentlemen.
Mitt Robney.
Hey, everybody.
I hope you're enjoying today's show.
I wanted to share with you an email I got recently.
And it starts out thusly, dear Jimmy, thanks so much for all the great comedy and political discussion you provide every week free of charge.
It is really the highlight of my week and picks me up when I'm feeling down.
And lately, I've been feeling really down.
I fear that I have grown unattractive to women and have been very lonely for years.
Long story short, I started using your Amazon.com link when buying stuff online.
And lo and behold, I started losing weight.
My hair got thicker, and I've been banging women two at a time.
I don't know if those two are related or just a wonderful coincidence, but thanks for the good karma.
Sincerely, Howard Kosell.
So I don't know if those two are related or if it's going to have the same results for you.
But if you're going to buy something from Amazon.com at any time in your life, if you swing by JimmyDoorComedy.com and click on our Amazon box First, they'll send us some money when you buy something, and that's a good way to make sure some of your money goes to a good cause.
So, use the Amazon box at jimmydoorcomedy.com, and I bet your hair will get thicker, you'll lose weight, your face will clear up, and your dick will get bigger.
I'm just guessing.
Thanks to everybody who uses our link.
Now let's get back to the second half of the show.
So Welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
We got a lot coming up in the second half.
Hillary Clinton calls out the Republicans for blatant voter suppression from coast to coast.
It's about time then we cover a CBS news journalist who doesn't have access to the internet or any other forms of information gathering.
Plus, we're going to take a look at that Goldman Sachs commercial you have to see.
But right now, I had a phone call with Jeb Bush earlier today.
So let's get to that phone call right now with new presidential candidate, Jeb Bush.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hi, Jimmy.
This is Governor Jeb Bush.
Hell, hey, Governor.
How are you?
Not too shabby.
Not too bad.
Thanks for asking.
I just wanted to sort of check in with you and do the sort of due diligence required of 2016 candidates or, you know, at least the announced ones and touch base with you to sort of lay out my case for 2016 and let people know what Jeb Bush is about.
Well, this is great.
Governor Bush, we always like to ask: how will you differentiate yourself from all the other Republican candidates?
Well, that is a good question.
I'm glad you asked.
Obviously, I need to make sure not to over-accentuate my kind of muted Texan accent so as not to collide too much with Rick Perry and also not employ vocal fry as much as he does.
But at the same time, not sound as high-pitched and serpentine in the edge crew.
Governor, no, I meant as far as the issues and your stances on them.
Oh, I thought you meant the voice itself.
I mean, let's be honest, that's my main concern for the time being.
I'm getting squeezed a little too tight here.
Right.
But as far as the issues go, I think the American people want to see the conflict between the House of Bush and the House of Clinton resolved once and for all.
I mean, we've got this Lancaster versus York thing going on.
And I really don't think the citizenry want to see some armed conflict like the War of the Roses.
I really don't think they do.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Wait, what?
And, Jimmy, it really just boils down to pedigree and legitimacy.
My father was president.
My brother was president.
Our grandfather was a senator.
There have been Bushes here and Cheneys since the 1630s, Massachusetts.
Now, Bill Clinton wasn't even actually born into the House of Clinton.
He was adopted, which raises all sorts of pedigree issues.
But Hillary's line, the Rodhams, were successful textile merchants, but that raises the issue of whether middle-class gentry can be elevated to baronial status.
But, you know, 61 half does the other.
Point is the House of Bush simply has the strongest claim.
What in God's name are you talking about?
Well, look, Jimmy, I mean, I fully admit there are complicated issues here, and no one has all the answers.
But these are issues that the American people need to decide.
Degree of dissent from a common ancestor, consanguinity, questions of bastardy due to papal bulls and/or dispensation.
These sorts of things need to be decided once and for all.
And I think these are good debates to have, to be honest with you.
Because we have been at the mercy of a usurper for the past seven years in the White Tower or White House, and how the balance of nature has been thrown off by that.
I mean, Jimmy, we've all seen trees and shrubbery walking on their own accord through the store.
The sun shining at night and the moon during the day, peasants getting health care.
I mean, we've seen all these omens and portents, but there's enough to mention harbingers that just show us the inappropriateness and foolishness of this Barack Othello being king or president.
Yeah, I don't even really know what to say here.
Governor, this is America.
We don't have royalty here.
We have founding documents that describe how our rulers will rule us.
Jimmy, of course, and I have great respect for the Magna Carta.
I mean, we just celebrated that Venerable Parchment's 800th birthday this very year.
And in fact, we had a little party and cake for it up at the Bush compound up in Kenny Bunkport.
And my mom, who is really sort of the comedian of the family, when we were cutting the cake, said, dad should get to have the first piece.
He actually remembers when the Magna Carta was signed.
And Dad, who still doesn't miss a beat to this day, he said, hey, cut me some slack, Barb.
I was too young to remember.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Hilarious.
But all joking aside, I'm well aware that we cannot rule without the consent of the great nobles, prelates, and magnates of the realm, and that their property and estates are sacrosanct and cannot be taken away from them without due process, certainly not through minimal tax hikes.
And I solemnly abide by that principle.
As anyone who has watched my campaign knows, I have actively courted the support of these powerful men who are the pillars of our realm.
Are you literally boasting about groveling to the donor class in order to fill up your super packed coffers?
That's usually something candidates do, but they don't go around squawking about it.
Well, Jimmy, if anyone thinks they can rule without the nobles of the land, I'd like to see them try.
I see no shame in publicly acknowledging that I, for one, would personally support With my men-at-arms, the great corporate interests overseas, as well as the crusading aspirations of the great Sir Sheldon Adelson.
I mean, I don't know if you watch the news, Jimmy, but the Saracens have once again retaken the great citadels, and we are going to have to deal with that, like it or not.
Okay.
Okay.
But what about the regular people?
Oh, you mean the commoners?
Yeah.
Well, Jimmy, I assure you, my paternal benevolence would match, if not surpass, that of my Bush predecessors.
Oh, really?
That's why you're still opposed to raising the minimum wage or even abolishing the federal one, as I understand.
Jimmy, look, you have to understand the economics of that.
By financially enabling the peasant class in such a way, it would conceivably provide them the means to untether themselves from the manner where they were born.
So you'd have families and young men moving en masse to the towns, and no one wants to see that sort of social disruption.
It would disturb the divinely ordained nature of things, and, and this is the important part, depopulate the great estates, impoverishing the very noble class that will have sworn personal fealty to me and whose interests I have sworn before God to uphold.
So clearly you can see the problems.
Okay, I guess we all see where you're coming from there.
Thank you, Governor.
Hey, no problem, Jimmy.
Definitely my pleasure.
I got to go, though.
Someone stole a goat from W's Ranch the other day, and all the suspects so far have drowned during the ordeal.
So we have a long way to go in this investigation.
Good thing we're all lawyers.
Jim Bush, ladies and gentlemen.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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Send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And he spells Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
I went to get some audio or some videotape from this week's Meet the Press.
And if you go to their website, they have a commercial that plays before, and it's from Goldman Sachs.
So you know that they're good newsmen.
By the way, I just want to let you know, Goldman Sachs settled a U.S. housing regulator's lawsuit for about $1.2 billion in fines, resolving claims from the Wall Street firms.
They failed to disclose the risks of mortgage bonds that sold before the financial crisis.
So it got about $6 billion of junk mortgages off its books and sold them to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which was then considered illegal that they did that.
So they had to buy them all back from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and they had to pay a $1.2 billion fine on top of that.
Okay.
And by the way, that doesn't include all of the bonds that had toxic assets.
It doesn't know that that's just one little thing that's just one little tiny little sliver.
So what they're doing is they're undermining the whole mortgage economy, really.
Yeah.
So what they're doing is they were selling fraudulent products to people and then they were repackaging, then reselling them to Frannie and Freddie.
So they're really screwing over our economy, basically, and making billions of dollars themselves, right?
Absolutely.
Okay.
So here is the commercial that at Meet the Press runs right before.
Goldman Sachs 10,000 Women program provides business skills to female entrepreneurs worldwide.
If you train one woman, you train a nation.
So she says if you train one woman, you train a whole nation so that the one woman...
Seeing more women creating economic growth.
So she says, see, those women they give back to their community.
Unlike Goldman Sachs, who plunder their community and then videotape themselves throwing a few pennies to starving people in the third world so they can tell a story of what great philanthropists they are while covering up institutionalized evil.
That would be a nice little caption at which Chuck Todd would write in after that commercial ran on his news show thing.
That would be nice.
Yes, yes.
I know that sounds bad, and this is absolutely true.
And I'm about to say there was a segment later on in Eat the Press that was sponsored by Bowie.
So they're not all corporate.
So the Republicans have been openly suppressing the vote of minorities, young people, the elderly, poor people all over the country, and they're not trying to hide it.
Remember this.
Voter ID, which is going to allow Governor Romney to win the state of Pennsylvania.
Done.
Okay, he didn't win it.
So just so we know he didn't.
So that's just one of many video clips I could play like that of Republicans in public openly bragging about suppressing the vote.
Right.
Okay.
And it, and this issue, by the way, this bothers Americans.
They're not, they don't like it.
In fact, this issue is such a clear winner for Democrats that they politely never mention it.
So that is until Hillary Clinton decided to pick up the low-hanging fruit and called out the Republicans for it just last week.
And we have a responsibility to say clearly and directly what's really going on in our country.
Because what is happening is a sweeping effort to disempower and disenfranchise people of color, poor people, and young people from one end of our country to the other.
I'm glad that Hillary is making an issue out of this.
I am.
It's great to see somebody, five Democrat, finally talking about it.
And she went a little even further.
I call on Republicans at all levels of government with all manner of ambition to stop fear-mongering about a phantom epidemic of election fraud and start explaining why they're so scared of letting citizens have their say.
So Hillary Clinton's turning up the heat on the GOP about vote, the pretend voter fraud and their attempts to suppress the vote.
So John Dickerson, who filled in a lot from CBS News, sat down with Chris Christie and he asked them a couple of tough questions.
Well, he kind of, well, I mean, he lofted him some softballs and never corrected his obvious lies and provided a platform for false propaganda.
So let's listen.
Here we go.
John Dickerson, great reporter.
Here we go.
Hillary Clinton mentioned you and said you and other Republicans are trying to make it harder for people to vote.
What's your reaction to that?
First of all, I like how He phrases it.
Hey, Hillary Clinton said that you guys are suppressing the vote.
I mean, I don't know.
I just heard her say this.
I don't know.
Here we go.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
You know, in New Jersey, we have early voting that are available to people.
I don't want to expand it and increase the opportunities for fraud.
Maybe that's what Mrs. Clinton wants to do.
I don't know.
But the fact is that folks in New Jersey have plenty of an opportunity to vote.
And maybe, you know, if she took some questions some places and learned some things, maybe she wouldn't make such ridiculous statements.
She says it's fear-mongering, this idea that there's a lot of election fraud going on.
Yeah, well, she's never been to New Jersey, I guess.
And so then John Dickerson said, wait a minute, we did some checking because we're reporters, and it turns out there isn't any documented voter fraud in New Jersey.
And what you just said was complete bullcrap.
Oh, wait a minute.
That didn't happen.
I guess that reporter didn't have access to the internet, so he couldn't look up if voter fraud is a thing or not, or if what Hillary Clinton was saying is true or not.
So I guess we'll never know.
I guess we'll never know.
It's just too bad.
I mean, when are these reporters going to get access to the internet?
I'm sure at CBS, at his office headquarters in D.C., that they have the internet there.
So why wouldn't he just look it up?
Why couldn't they give him a smartphone and he could look up voter fraud in New Jersey and he would know it in real time?
He didn't know that this was the question he was going to be asking.
Yeah, he didn't.
He was just handed those questions when he showed up.
That's right.
I forgot about that.
That is unfortunate.
The thing that worries Chris Christie is Root Beer Floater fraud.
And so that was a stretch.
And so Chris Christie knows that this guy, John Dickerson, is an easy guy now.
Now, okay, we can always go to John Dickerson.
He's going to ask me the question in the way that's the easiest to dismiss.
And that's what he just did.
He pretended like it was just an unfounded accusation by Hillary Clinton instead of a fact, instead of a real thing.
He acted like it was just an accusation.
So he looks like he's doing his job.
Look, I brought it up.
Hillary Clinton says you're fear-mongering, are you?
Well, I don't know, John.
Why don't you answer that question?
Maybe you do.
So this is the difference.
It's a both sides to it.
So this is the replacing objectivity with neutrality.
Right.
This is being neutral and saying, I don't know if it's really, there's really voter.
I don't know if Hillary Clinton's lying or if Chris Christie's lying.
I guess we'll never know.
Well, you do know.
John, the fact is, John Dickerson does know, which makes it even more egregious.
He's not misinformed.
He's not dumb.
He's actively doing a shit job on purpose.
Chris Christie is, you know, he's acting, you know, he makes this thing.
Well, she's never been to New Jersey, implying that New Jersey politics is really corrupt.
Well, who's the governor?
Exactly.
Exactly.
Well, I bet you've never been to New Jersey because we're all a bunch of corrupt sons of bitches.
We have voter fraud up and down.
I know.
I've done a lot of it.
If you look before me, I'll close down your fucking bridge.
Yeah.
If I think that maybe you might take votes away from me, even though I'm going to win, I'm going to schedule you for a separate election.
Exactly.
That is voter fraud.
He scheduled a separate election for Corey Booker, which cost millions, like $12 million.
And the thing is, is that this reporter could have sat down and said, you know what?
Hillary Clinton said this.
So let's talk about voter suppression in your state and really talk about it and really talk about all the incidents we just brought up and actually had a conversation with him and held his feet to the fire.
And it wouldn't have been that hard.
All he had to say, Robert, was this.
Oh, really?
Hillary Clinton doesn't know about the voter fraud in New Jersey.
Could you tell us about the voter fraud in New Jersey?
What are the numbers?
Who's committing voter fraud?
Right.
That's all he had to say.
He didn't say anything.
He's just made it look like it was an unfounded accusation that had no basis in fact, and he's being neutral.
I don't know if this is true or not.
I'm just a guy who shows up and asks questions.
I'm just asking questions.
He's also implied in his response that Hillary Clinton is the one who wants to have some voter fraud, not the Republicans.
This whole thing is part of her plan to have voter fraud.
And by the way, and also, he called her Mrs. Clinton.
And I don't know if everybody caught that.
The proper form of address is Secretary Clinton.
Oh, okay.
She wouldn't make that mistake and not call him Governor Christie.
Right.
And that was a sexist little slight that was on purpose.
Well, you know, the head of CBS, that's CBS News, by the way, and that's the head of CBS News, was the former vice president of Fox News.
And I don't know if you've noticed, but 60 Minutes is now a laughingstock.
They have never, haven't broken a story.
In fact, they're only making news for how bad they are and how bad they screw up and how bad they give corporate talking points instead of debunking them.
So CBS News, so the news, I mean, we've known NBC was owned by defense contractors all the way through the Iraq war.
Now CBS is completely gone.
And we have to rely on George Snuffalopagus over at ABC or David Muir, who I think he's one more button open on his shirt and we'll see his belly button.
I could only help, sir.
How could you give the news with your shirt buttoned up?
I couldn't.
So the only, let me just say this.
What the guy should have said with the Chris Christie was, we all know I'm a reporter and I checked into this and it turns out that you saying voter fraud is fraud.
you 74% of Republicans in a recent poll said they could never see themselves supporting Donald Trump.
By far the highest negatives among all of them.
He declared, and here's why 74% of Republicans don't think they can ever support him.
Here is this I am officially running for president of the United States and we are going to make our country great again.
Boy, those people, they really, he's getting his money worth.
Oh, yeah.
Those people are screaming.
Jim, say what you want about Donald Trump.
The genuine enthusiasm of that crowd.
Kidnot be denied.
Except it really can be died.
Except it's being.
So he paid those people to scream for him, and that's what's happening.
And he's heat danger.
When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best.
They're not sending you.
They're not sending you.
So the Republicans have a big outreach program going on with the Hispanics, right?
And I think this isn't part of it.
They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us.
They're bringing drugs.
They're bringing crime.
They're rapists.
And some, I assume, are good people.
Some, you got to, you know what?
When this guy goes, what's the word, xenophobic?
He does not F around.
Yeah, he is.
I mean, you can say what you want about this guy, but when he's being racist and he is demonizing brown people, he's pedal full speed, pedal to the metal.
But I speak to border guards and they tell us what we're getting.
He speaks to borders.
See, he has inside information.
He speaks to border guards.
So that's what's called anecdotal information that he's using to demonize a whole country of people.
They're all rapists.
They're all thieves.
And some of them may be good people.
Some of them.
And by the way, he doesn't speak to Border.
No, he doesn't speak to Border.
And even if he did, what Border Guard is going to be frank and open with Donald Trump?
Yeah, he thinks that he thinks the guys thinks the guys who hold the door for him at Trump Towers are called Border Guard.
Well, those are actually doormen are the closest he gets the military piece.
Yes, yes.
Here he's got more to say.
We need a leader that can bring back our jobs, can bring back our manufacturing, can bring back our military, can take care of our vets.
Our vets have been abandoned.
And we also need a cheerleader.
You know, when President Obama Why not pay people to cheer for you?
That would work.
To his credit, he's already creating jobs.
Yeah, that's true.
When he says he wants a cheerleader, he means that he wants the escort service to tender to was elected.
I said, well, the one thing I think he'll do well, I think he'll be a great cheerleader for the country.
I think he'd be a great spirit.
He was vibrant.
He was, I really thought that he would be a great cheerleader.
I don't need anybody's money.
It's nice.
I don't need anybody's money.
I'm using my own money.
I'm not using the lobbyists.
I'm not using donors.
I don't care.
I'm really rich.
I'll show you that in a second.
Oh, he's rich.
And you know what that reminds me of?
Whenever I hear him say stuff like that, I'm really rich.
I can handle things.
I'm smart.
If it makes sense.
I'm smart and I want the stance.
Yeah, that's what it makes.
That's what it reminds me of.
Oh, would that things would end that way?
That's what it reminds me of.
Now, if you remember the last time he's poked his head in national politics, he was doing this stuff.
Take a look.
He was talking about this.
And you tell me, really, you analyze the birth certificate.
There are many people that don't agree with that birth certificate.
They don't think it's authentic, Wolf.
I don't know when you say many people who don't agree.
Many people.
Like who?
Give me a name of somebody.
There are a municipal authority in Hawaii who says, give me a name.
There are many people.
I don't give names.
There are many people that do not believe that birth certificate is authentic.
I don't give names of authorities who are authenticating things in an authentication case.
So then, by the way, that's a completely reasonable litmus test.
If you ever got stumped by Wolf Blitzer, you're out of the game.
You don't get to do this.
I think he got stumped.
He got stumped by Wolfer.
And Wolf Blitzer is a full-blown city.
So Donald Trump has in common with Fredo.
What?
He bangs waitresses two at a time.
Okay, here's what he says.
I've been known as being a very smart guy for a long time.
And, you know, one of the sure signs of intelligence is having to tell people you're smart.
Yeah.
Einstein.
I used to do that all the time.
Yes, I would tell.
I'm smart.
I can handle things.
I'm smart.
I'm not everybody's sense.
Like, dumb, I'm smart and I want the stance.
Okay, so he was allowed to do this for over a year.
I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.
So he said he's got people in Hawaii and they can't believe what they're finding about Barack Obama's birth certificate.
I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.
And guess who else can't believe it?
Everyone.
You have people now down there searching.
I mean, in Hawaii?
Absolutely.
And they cannot believe what they're finding.
What Trump investigators found in Hawaii, Frank, was that their beaches are beautiful, but the hotels are overpriced.
I think that's what they found out.
Here again, Trump once again makes Gilligan look like Walter Cronkite.
Here we go.
Tell us what your people who were investigating in Hawaii, what they found.
So this was after Barack Obama came out, authenticated everything.
So then Wolf just asked him a straight question.
Tell us what your people who were investigating in Hawaii.
What they found.
We don't have to go into old news.
That's old news.
Plenty found.
You can call many people.
You can read many, many articles on the authenticity of the certificate.
He just keeps saying that.
I can handle things.
I'm smart.
I like everybody's sense.
I'm like, dumb.
I'm smart and I want the stance.
So that's the guy who's running for president.
So Jimmy, he's like, I mean, this is like such a blatant, obvious case of someone obviously lying.
I mean, there's no doubt about that in that clip you play, he's a liar.
Yes.
And yet, all of these interviewers, including Wolf Blitzer and Fox, have already interviewed them.
He's going to be on a morning show tomorrow morning.
Everybody is clamoring all over themselves.
Everyone wants to interview him as if he's a legitimate real person.
I mean, I can understand, you know, I can understand covering the fact that he's announced because it's funny and it's entertaining.
But to have him come on and interview him as if he's like a genuine non-crank is just wrong.
I couldn't agree with you more.
What they do is they validate him and they validate the circuit.
They totally validate him and, you know, and they need him more than he needs them.
They need him more than he needs them.
And he's not really, he didn't really run yet.
He didn't file the right papers.
He hasn't filed.
The whole thing is still bullshit.
It's all the way.
And I don't think he will because it's going to require financial discussion.
It's as much bullshit as it's ever been, but he's just added more the fraternity to it this year.
What he did was he filed a two-page financial report summary of his finances that said he was worth around $9 million or something.
But that's not the form that you have to fill out when you run for president.
There's a government form you have to fill out.
You have to disclose your finances.
He's not going to fill that out.
He's not going to do that because he's not worth that amount of money.
And B, he's going to quit running for president because he's going to go back to doing a TV show, a reality show.
It's all this gigantic stunt.
It's a big stunt, and he's not going to quit doing the TV show, and everybody knows it.
Yet they're going to cover him.
And you wonder why people get turned off into politics.
I kind of think he's getting into politics because he's hoping maybe one day a building will be named after him.
Hey, before we get to our phone call with Lindsey Graham, I want to let everybody know who's in the Denver area that Frank Connopp is going to be there tonight and tomorrow, June 19th and June 20th.
And he's going to be riffing on movies just like they do on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Okay.
So that's tonight, two shows, June 19th, 8th and 10 p.m.
And then tomorrow, June 20th, that's two shows, 8 and 10 p.m.
He's going to be riffing on movies.
Plus, during the day, he's going to be holding some comedy writing workshops and improv workshops.
So check that out.
There'll be a link for this event over at jimmydoorcomedy.com under the post for today's show.
Now let's get to Lindsey Graham.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Where are you, Winnie?
Senator Graham.
Who's this?
If you're a coffee half to chill, it's Jimmy Dore.
Oh, gosh.
Hi, Jimmy.
How are you?
You know, there's a lot more to that Lindsey Graham phone call, but to hear it, you got to get the premium content.
And all you have to do to get the premium content is swing by jimmydoorcomedy.com, click on join premium, you make your donation, and we'll send you a passcode.
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Isn't that nice?
So pay for 12 months at $5 a month and we'll give you a month free.
Isn't that nice?
So go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, click on Join Premium, and get access to all the great content.
Okay, guess what?
Hey, by the way, thanks everybody who made it out to the show last Saturday at the improv.
That was a hell of a good time.
Bill Burr stopped by, did a half hour, and that was a blast to see Bill Burr on the show.
So thanks, everybody who made it out.
We'll be doing another show at the end of the summer at the improv in Hollywood.
Plus, I'll be touring in Baltimore and in Cincinnati coming up early in the fall.
So I'll keep you abreast of all those dates.
But it was great to see everybody at the improv last Saturday.
All right.
Guess what?
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Frank Coniff, Robert Yasimura, Mark Van Landuitt, Michael Schertzer, and Steph Zamarano.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
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