All Episodes
Previous Next
April 25, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
59:14
20150425_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_4-24-15
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Hey, everybody, up in the Seattle area.
I'm going to be at Laughs in Kirkland, April 30th through May 3rd.
See you there.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
I have here, Jimmy, the first draft of Tom Cotton's letter to the people of Iran.
Oh, so I only saw the completed copy.
I didn't this is the first draft.
This is the rough draft.
Well, there's always a rough draft of everything.
Okay.
And this is that.
Okay, let's hear it.
It begins thusly.
Dear Ayatollah Holes.
Greetings and open sesame.
As a returning hero from the great and holy anti-Muslim wars, I should know a thing or two or three about you Persians.
After all, I did closely study your society for four years through infrared vision devices, whereupon I observed your wives bathing in the privacy of what you people call baths.
It has come to our attention while drone observing your late, I mean muscular, I mean nuclear negotiations.
That's right, I said new culor because that's how it's spelled.
It's in our Bill of Rights.
Google it that you may not fully understand our system of constitutions.
Let me clarify this.
Firstly, under Article shut up of the Constitution, or our version of Britain's Magna Carta Blanca, and I quote, a rogue, i.e.
black president, is only allowed access to Congress through the back door without making eye contact.
Any international agreement said rogue may make shall only be worth three-fifths of the same agreement a regular president might make.
Signed Robert Durst.
End quote.
Secondly, the president may only serve two four-year terms for an total of seven years.
Whereas senators may serve an unlimited number of terms up until the rapture starts in June of 2018.
In which case you can say goodbye to all those red-colored pistachios.
And thirdly, we will consider any agreement regarding your new Kular weapons program that is not approved by the Congress as nothing more than an executive agreement between President Obama and Sinbad the Sailor.
Any agreement made without our approval will be met with an embargo of your magical Persian flying rug exports and blockade of all your ports off the east coast of France.
In summarization, we must not and will not allow a nuclear flying rug gap.
We hope this letter enriches your knowledge of our system of constitutions and promotes mutual understanding and clarity between ourselves, your people, and your leader, Alibaba.
Sincerely and Abba Cadabra, Tom Cotton.
First draft of Tom Cotton's letter.
Those first drafts.
First draft.
Really rough.
A lot of historical inaccuracies.
Still a lot of them.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's Archbook and TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I'm joining the studio.
We have a special guest, my good friend.
He's an Emmy Award winner.
You're going to recognize his voice.
He hosts a show here on AM640KF5.
Thanks for listening, Jimmy.
I listen all the time.
You know I do that.
You're going to punch in, so you don't need to know the numbers.
You've got to write there, Professor.
Mark Thompson is with us.
Oh, thank you.
The number one listen team.
So, folks, please.
Keep your seats, everybody.
The number one listen-to-talk radio station in all the land, Mark Thompson.
That is a truth fact, isn't that?
It is.
It's the most listened to station in all the country.
I can't explain it, but it's true.
I listen to it all.
I catch myself listening to it.
get so upset listening to your show.
And then I text you, and I know I'm ignoring you, and I know you're going, we're No, you do a great job.
You do a great job on that show.
Okay, also on the phone, all the way in New York City.
You know him.
You love him from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank.
Frank Conniff is with us.
Hi, Frank.
Hello, there.
Yay.
All right.
Good to hear your voice, buddy.
Also with us, you know, from the Miserable Liberal blog and the host of Comedy and Everything Else.
It's our resident Latina.
It's Steph Zemarano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Also with this resident Japanese man from Team Yasamura, hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura.
Hi, Robert.
Hello.
Hello.
All right.
That's how we say hello here.
Traditional.
Right?
Tradition.
In Japanese, that's how you say it, Mark.
That's the traditional.
That was very well done.
Right.
This is cool for me, I have to say, because I listen to your show all the time.
I really do.
I've been a regular listener since even before I knew you.
And to see and meet some of the people who are associated with your show is very exciting for me.
And that's not a lie.
I'm flattered to hear you say that.
We have a new young man with us.
His name is Michael Elliott Spitzer Schertzer is with us.
How hi, Michael.
Hey, Jimmy.
All right.
Michael grew up rich, but he's a lib, so that's nice.
Yay.
All right.
So let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know, Gone with the Wind was on PBS the other night.
I don't know.
I can't not watch that movie when it's on.
I'm just like, forget all about this scene where Django blows Ashley Wilch's fucking head off.
Wait a minute.
I didn't see that movie.
I don't get that joke, but I know it's funny.
Okay, also, you know, the part of Gone with the Wind where Rhett Butler forcefully carries Scarlet O'Hare up the stairs?
Sure.
That's one of cinema's most beloved rape scenes, is it not?
It is.
I'm really excited.
Did you hear?
The artist who created Star Wars is going to step aside and he's going to let Disney make all the decisions.
I can't wait for, hey, what?
What's going on?
Is that really happening, Frank?
Oh, yeah, that's been happening for a while.
So isn't that George Lucas?
People are, yeah, people are excited about the new Star Wars movie that's coming out.
But George Lucas isn't making any of the creative decisions?
No.
No, no, he's not.
And everybody's really happy about it.
I find it a little disturbing that people are excited About a corporate takeover of something.
Yeah, that's like going to see an Elvis concert and you get Rickrolled.
I don't understand.
You don't know what Rick Roll is?
I don't know.
It's a thing on the internet.
Rick Ashley, this song lasts forever.
That's all being Rick Rolled.
All right.
Anyway, let's move on to the jokes.
Hey, did you hear there's a new Fantastic Four store movie out?
Yep.
Sure.
Now, yes, there have been other films that told the Fantastic Four Origin story, but this new movie will be the first one to tell it this year.
That is true.
So that's why we like it.
They have a lot of those movies, don't they?
Yes, they do.
Yeah, that's the joke there.
That's the joke there.
Yeah.
And just to be a dick, here's a spoiler.
In Act Three of Batman versus Superman, they put aside their differences and work together.
Oh.
Yeah, I don't know.
By the way, there's five.
Now there are five GOP presidential candidates, and they're all vying for the Koch brothers money on this new show called Who Wants to Blow a Millionaire.
Have you seen that show?
Nice.
You know what?
That actually sounds like a joke that Regis Philbin would tell.
Doesn't it?
Who Wants to Blow a Millionaire?
But they are actually doing that, though, in a way, aren't they?
They're vying for that.
Yeah, they're vying for their money.
They're definitely doing that.
Yeah.
There will also be an audition in front of Sheldon Alderson.
I'm saying that totally true.
That happens.
No, they all petition him as well.
Chris Christie was going to speak out against the Folks Weather thing, but he couldn't say anything because he had Sheldon Agelson's dick in his mouth.
Okay.
Bang.
By the way, by the way, Chris Christie swallows.
Of course he does.
It's extra protein.
Hey, did you know it's Earth Day this week?
Earth Day was this.
Mark, you're an environmentalist.
Barely a peep about it, though.
Barely.
I didn't think there was much about it.
Yeah, really bummed me out.
Well, the Republicans, they buy Earth candy and flowers before they try to rape it.
Drill, baby, drill, Jimmy.
Uh-huh.
Hey, did you hear that the New York Times is hooking up with this writer who wrote Clinton Cash?
Yeah, New York Times is teaming up at the Clinton Cash Writer because next year they want to win a Pulitzer for best reporting of 1995.
First of all, this true story.
This guy who wrote this book has been completely discredited many times over doing the same kind of thing.
And yet, New York Times, let's do it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, how about the reincarnation of Judith Miller?
I mean, speaking of New York Times.
We're going to talk about that on the show.
That's coming up.
Oh, we're going to go right to it.
Okay.
Hey, by the way, the shocking new book, Clinton Cash, it chronicles the nefarious methods Hillary Clinton used to pay for her Chipotle burrito.
Hey, there's a new, there's an you know the trend continuing with that trend of TV shows about soulless zombies.
HBO is now developing a series based on the writings of Maureen Dowd.
That is absolutely true, by the way.
You know who's writing it?
Show will be written by and starring Whitney Cummings.
Show's over.
I'm going home.
Good night.
Goodbye, folks.
We need a moment of silence.
Well, this is kind of a tough time for Whitney because it'll be only one show that she'll have on the air.
Yeah, that's a really tough time for her.
Well, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to two broke girls?
That'll be two shows.
No, you're right.
You're right.
They're still on.
They're still on.
You're right.
So I, you know, and all I'm left with is a wonderful wife and happiness, which does not make up for it.
It does not make up for it.
It really doesn't.
If I wanted to be happy, I would have never gotten fucking show business.
It's not important.
Happy.
What's important is being in a position of power to rub it in people's faces, prove them wrong, and have revenge on your enemies.
Chat, chat.
Here, here.
Succinctly said.
Well put.
Thank you.
Hey, Maureen Dowd says the GOP will slam Hillary with, quote, every condescending misogynist thing, misogynistic thing they've got.
You mean like a Maureen Dowd column?
Come on.
Bang.
Am I right?
And I don't know if you guys are going to see the new Star Wars movie, but the tender camaraderie between Han Solo and Chewbacca in the Star Wars trailer, still illegal in 13 states.
So was that pronunciation of Chewbacca?
What did I say?
Chewbacca.
Hey, just to be a big.
In the new film, he's Chewbacca.
Back off, kid.
That's Disney's version.
Please don't question Mr. Doerr anymore.
I never saw Star Wars.
Anyway, anyway, hey, just to be a dick, here's a spoiler.
In the end, we learn that the age of Ultron is 47, even though he claims he's only 39.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
Hey, Lindsey Graham gets asked a direct question about his romantic life on Fox News.
Plus, the BP, the anniversary of the BP Gulf disaster, was this week.
We're going to look into it and talk about the BP commercial.
That makes me feel all good.
Also coming up, Judith Miller is back from the grave, and she's out saving her reputation.
A 73-year-old insurance salesman shot a black guy, and he went on the Today Show to talk about Matt Lauer.
We're going to talk about that.
And plus, we got phone calls today from Haley Barber and John Boehner, plus a lot more that's today on the Jimmy Door show.
In the run-up to the Iraq war, on the front page of the New York Times, many stories appeared by one Judith Miller that read like they were dictated straight from Dick Cheney's mouth.
And the reason is, I found out, it's because they were.
And so we ended up going to war.
Judith Miller played her part in misleading us.
She did a great job taking the number one newspaper in all the land and disgracing it.
And instead of getting in a bathtub and slitting her own wrists in shame, she's now out to tell everybody that she's a great person and that anybody could have made that mistake of selling an illegal war based on already discredited sources, coupled with zero investigative journalism or pushback to the lies of the government of Warnbargo.
It's going to happen to anybody.
Could happen to anybody, Mark.
Could happen to anybody.
So now I'm going to play.
she went on...
She not only, this is a woman who the New York Times was a great mouthpiece already, but she went on a media blitz to champion the war.
Now she's going on the same media blitz to champion her own innocence, and it's unbelievable.
And I'm worried that people are really swallowing this crap.
It's stomach turning, Mark, and I couldn't watch any of it because I knew it would make me upset.
And I was like, oh, I have to eat sometime today.
So finally, I've watched.
You know what, Jimmy?
One thing she's that's true is that she's been singled out and she lost her job and suffered consequences for her reporting, unlike everybody else that you've seen on television for the last 12 years who have never left TV, like Bill Crystal and people like that.
So in a way, I mean, she's horrible, but she was, on one level, she was unfairly singled out.
Frank's right.
I mean, you know, she was, she's maybe the only person who's paid the real price.
Everybody else, look, the entire media was in this game, and they were all championing it.
And the other byline on a lot of her stories, Michael Gordon, has still been at the New York Times all these years.
Right.
And it's still interviewed on Charlie Rose as if he's an expert.
So I want to make sure that we don't end up being sympathetic to Judith Miller right now.
Yeah.
Okay.
So poor Judith Miller.
I'm not being the least bit sympathetic to her.
I'm just saying that everybody that dozens of other people should have had the same consequences that she had.
And they should be hauled out in the public square and flogged.
But that doesn't make her any less worse.
Right.
And she does it.
And she truly was.
She might have been queen of the parade, Frank.
She was really queen.
She was one of the true jewels of the let's go kick some ass in Iraq and get it back to democracy.
And let me just also say that it wasn't like she made one mistake with this one story.
This is, there's a guy named Craig Pies.
He's a two-time Pulitzer Prize winner who was working with Judith at the New York Times in 2000.
And he wrote this memo or this email to his superiors at the New York Times.
He wrote to the editor, quote, I'm not willing to work further on this project with Judy Miller.
I do not trust her work, her judgment, or her conduct.
She is an advocate, and her actions threaten the integrity of the enterprise and of everyone who works with her.
She has turned in a draft of a story of a collective enterprise that is little more than dictation from government sources over several days, filled with unproven assertions and factual inaccuracies, and, quote, tried to stampede it into the paper.
So much of her reporting was based on information provided by Ahmed Chalabi, who by the early 2000s was well-known to not be credible, and in fact had even been convicted of massive bank fraud in Jordan.
This was her source, a guy who was already discredited.
So we already knew before the Iraq war that she was full of it and that she was – so not only is Judith Miller – They knew this and they printed her stuff anyway.
Yes, so that's exactly what I was going to say.
And the New York Times is just as culpable.
And the fact that they get away with it too is gross, right?
The fact that they get away, because it is their fault for putting her there.
They were warned that she didn't fact-check her stories.
They were warned that she was an advocate, that she wasn't a real journalist.
So here she goes.
So I watched one thing.
So here she is.
She was on Morning Joe, and a guy from the New York Times, ah, I should know his name.
I'll put it in post.
He says this to her.
It just feels like an epidemic of buckpassing here.
I mean, her stories were wrong, right?
The paper did defend you when you were on trial.
Right, absolutely.
I mean, listen, if I have a story and it's wrong, I don't say the sources are wrong.
I said that.
And what I wanted to do was go back.
It's there.
What I want to do is go back and show how and why the sources and I got it wrong.
And the Times wouldn't let me do that.
That's what's reprehensible is you've always got to go back and correct the record, which is why I wanted to George Ted.
So she just said that's what's reprehensible that the New York Times wouldn't let her to go back.
She acts like I wanted to go by and go back and see why we got it wrong.
Hey, Judy, it's not a Rubik's Cube.
We know why you got it wrong, okay?
We know why you got it wrong.
It's because you're a breathtakingly unprofessional, horrible, and an atrocious reporter who was criminally negligent and an even worse person.
Because now you come back and you're not even sorry for it.
And now you come back and you want us all to make you well again because you want to get to the bottom of it.
She wants to go back and investigate what happened.
Why all of a sudden you have an urge to do journalism, Judy?
Because you didn't have an urge to do journalism when the country was counting on you.
I'm surprised that she's even let out in public.
It's not shocking that the New York Times didn't want to relive one of their biggest mistakes of their journalistic record, having it rehashed by the very person who wrote the articles to begin with.
No editor in their right mind would let Judith Miller near their newsroom.
She shouldn't even have a Twitter account, for Christ's sake.
She should only have contact with the outside world with two cups and a string, and she should have to crawl through a metal tube to get to it.
She says it's reprehensible.
She says it's reprehensible.
They didn't let her go back and correct the record.
You know what's reprehensible, Judy?
Reporting false information at a time when the American public was reeling from 9-11 and doing so in a way that created support for an illegal and unprovoked invasion of a country that didn't attack us.
Yeah.
And an illegal invasion that resulted in the death and displacement of millions of Iraqis and thousands of soldiers and a financial burden on this country that will bear as long as currency exists.
That's reprehensible, Judy.
Not the New York Times wouldn't let you backtrack after 10 years.
That's called reasonable judgment.
Yeah.
And that tape that you played, Luc, that was on Morning Joe.
Yes.
Wow.
Well, you know what?
Her going on Morning Joe and then putting her down would be like going on Jersey Shore and putting down the real housewives.
She has a little bit more to say.
Let me finish this.
She has a little bit more.
What I got to do after the 9-11 report.
That's why I went back to look at my own testimony in the Scooter Libby trial because, you know, that was something I got genuinely wrong.
And I want to always go back and correct the record.
If we don't do that, we're not doing our jobs.
Okay.
You know, if we don't do that, we're not doing our job.
Hey, don't sell yourself short, Judy.
Your job was to scare the American public into supporting an illegal invasion, and you did it really well.
You did it so well that most people bought it hook line and sinker.
So if you're now saying, trying to say that you're not doing your job as a journalist, I'd have to say no shit.
She should just end up on Fox Ben.
Oh, wait, she did it.
She's not a journalist.
She ended up on Fox, by the way, as their media watchdog.
Yes, yes.
Well, her and Howard Kurtz.
Is that right?
Let's remember Howard Kurtz.
He's now the media watchdog at Fox News.
He used to host a show called Reliable Sources, which he got fired from because he filed too many stories that were unreliable.
Exactly.
But now he's got a life over at Fox, and so does Judith Miller.
Because as Kamal Bell pointed out on Meet the Press, you're never going to get shouted down for shouting and barking in defense of the man.
She's doing all that garbage in defense.
It's in pro-military industrial complex.
it was supporting the powers that be the status quo.
You can do that.
You'll never not have a job.
That's why she has a job, and that's why she got a book.
She was pitching WMDs.
She was pitching, of course, that WMDs were there, in addition to a bunch of other sort of strategic advantages, but things that were have been, that soil has been tilled and retilled now.
Did she really pitch the New York Times on her going back and explaining why her story?
Yes, and she just, she literally, for whatever reason, that audio drops out right there, but she says it's reprehensible that the New York Times wouldn't let her go back and correct the record.
You know what?
You weren't doing your job as a journalist, Judy, when you were lying about WMDs in Iraq.
You weren't doing your job as a journalist when you failed to fact-check even a single line of your coverage preceding the invasion of Iraq.
So if you don't mind, Judy, please don't come on television over a decade later after the depletion uranium has been already dropped in Iraq and lives have been lost.
Don't come back and tell us what is reprehensible, okay?
Because you are a walking embodiment.
You are the poster child for reprehensibility.
The biggest bullshit in what she's talking about is her very thesis is that we were not lied into war.
Bush and Shaney did not lie to get us into this war.
Yes.
They just had false information.
Yes.
That's what she's saying in the article I read that she wrote and on every appearance is that she got the story wrong because everybody had faulty information because the CIA or whoever screwed up.
And it has nothing to do with the fact that Bush and Shaney and Rumsfeld and all those people lied us into the war.
And I think history has taught us it's pretty obvious that they did lie.
Not only is it obvious, they've admitted to lying.
They all, I mean, well, you got the Downing Street memo.
Right.
So the Downing Street memo revealed it all to, for no doubt.
There could be no doubt in your mind.
They said that we're going to invade and we're just trying to figure it.
We're fixing the evidence around that invasion.
We're trying to figure out what evidence to get.
You know, Jimmy, my sources say that Judith Miller's book is a real bomb.
And I also want to know who is going to buy her book.
Right.
Who should I send it to?
And she's only.
I'm not going to buy her book, but I'm going to enjoy Whitney Cummings HBO series.
And you know, Judith Miller also wrote another article where she claimed that sexism had a role in losing her job.
She actually says that in this interview.
And I tweeted to her, I said, you didn't lose your job over genitalia.
You lost it for some of the most irresponsible and dishonest journalism ever.
Yes, that is Judith Miller.
She really hits like sort of all the Republican apology points here.
She vilifies the New York Times.
Yes.
She paints herself as the victim.
She cloaks herself in the victimization of women, which I think is quite possibly one of the most awful things about this.
She just does all the things that don't take responsibility for her.
Yeah, the bad intelligence was the other thing that I thought.
That's a Republican talking point right off the hop, you know, it was bad intelligence.
And she kind of half-heartedly, she goes, I, and so when this guy says to her, if my sources are wrong, I don't say my sources are wrong.
I say I got the story wrong.
You got the story wrong.
You're supposed to investigate.
You're supposed to double check your source.
You're supposed to have two.
And so when he says that to her.
And it's not like that.
It's not like there was nobody reporting a different story because the McClatchy newspapers were all questioning all of this, and none of those people were ever on TV.
They were completely ignored by the mainstream media.
Yeah, that was a cry in the night.
Frank is right.
It was just a shame to see them steamrolled that way.
Yes, that is correct.
But Chris Matthews was there.
People took the story that they wanted it to be.
People wanted to go to war.
The Bush administration wanted to go to war.
The New York Times wanted to go to war.
Fox and MSNBC all wanted to go to war.
So that's the story they believe.
Let me just hear him say that to her one more time.
Listen, if I have a story and it's wrong.
I don't say the sources are wrong.
I said that.
I said that.
You can't be indignant about saying you fucked up.
You can't be indignant about saying you're a screw-up.
You can't be indignant about saying I admitted that I led my own country into an illegal war because I'm such a screw-up.
Which she wasn't a screw-up.
I don't think, you know, she's not a bad reporter.
She's not a reporter.
She's an advocate.
She's a hack.
And she tries to pretend, I did say that.
She's indignant about, I did say I screwed up.
You can't be indignant about that.
Okay.
And the only reason she's even halfway taken responsibility, Mark, is because she wants to regain her former status.
Exactly.
And you know what?
She's got, I don't know who her publicist is, but she's able to make all the same appearances she was making before the war started.
I'm astounded.
She still apparently has an open door at Charlie Rose and all the Sunday shows.
I just don't get it.
I understand there's some controversy initially with her.
I mean, to say the least, you just outlined a lot of it.
But once that's gone, I have the feeling that they are paving the way to have her be a returning figure.
And if she becomes another sort of media luminary after what's happened here, and after she's led us down this line of total BS, I mean, and it's more than total BS.
I mean, as you say, people lost their lives here.
A lot of people lost their lives.
Not to mention, as you say, how it perverted our policy and the world's vision of us.
She has a lot of blood on her hands.
You shouldn't be shocked if she ends up being on every TV show.
There's actually nothing unusual about that.
So she went on Chris Hayes.
Oh, it's true.
And Chris Hayes, so when I said that she was a horrible reporter and a worse person, I wasn't kidding.
And that wasn't hyperbole.
That wasn't me being over the top.
She really is.
She, you know, really, if I would have done what she would have done, I would be on suicide watch.
She doesn't water off a duck's ass to her.
Not only that, she didn't do anything wrong.
We're all just big goof.
And I'm glad I got paid.
So here's Chris Hayes asks her the question everybody wants to ask her.
Do you feel guilty?
I mean, do you feel like you have a piece of that that you own in some deep professional and moral sense?
What's going on there?
No, I don't feel guilty.
Okay, there you go.
Are you kidding me?
That's extraordinary.
Not even a little.
Not even, of course, you go, of course I feel guilty.
I got it wrong.
She had no hesitation there.
Even if it didn't lead to a war, wouldn't you feel guilty you misled your readers?
That you did such a bad job on the front page of the news.
Like, that's just psychopathic.
Right.
She's got a borderline personality disorder.
It's pretty obvious from like listening to how she defends herself, how she doesn't feel guilty, how she doesn't feel empathy for her audience or mad at her.
Like she's got all the hallmarks of somebody with.
And she's never wrong.
She's got more to say.
Listen to this.
I feel that as a reporter, I did the very best job I could to disclose to the American people some of the intelligence information.
So if that's the best job you could do as a reporter.
Boy, she's sticking to that story.
Yeah.
That's awful.
That intelligence thing is the faulty intelligence thing.
The best job you could do was the worst job anyone ever did.
That's amazing.
That's good.
You know, we all remember the scene in all the president's men at the end when they completely messed up the story.
But Brad Brownie said, Hey, don't worry about it.
And then they become heroes.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Yeah.
you I know what you're thinking right now.
You're thinking, Jimmy, I'm enjoying the hell out of this show like I do every week.
How can I help support this show?
So maybe we could have it more times a week, or maybe we could see more of it on video, or maybe both, because that's what we're working towards right now.
And a great way to help support the show that doesn't cost you any money is when you buy something from Amazon.
If you use our Amazon.com box at jimmydoorcomedy.com, that's a great way to help support us.
What do I do?
How does it work, Jimmy?
There's nothing to it.
The next time you want to buy something from Amazon, you swing swing by jimmydoordomini.com.
There's our Amazon box.
It's right there on the front page on the right-hand side.
You click that, it takes you to Amazon.
And when you buy something, they send us money.
It's just that simple.
It doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon at all.
And it doesn't cost you anything, but it sure does help support the show.
So thanks, everybody, who already does that.
And if you haven't done it yet, please do.
It's a great way to help support the show.
All right, there's a lot of great stuff coming up in the second half.
We got phone calls from John Boehner, Haley Barber, Lindsey Graham gets asked the question we all want to ask on Fox News.
But right now, let's get back to the second half.
Thank you.
Hey, welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
I'm joined in the studio by Emmy Award winner Mark Thompson, who also hosts on KFI 640 here in Los Angeles, the Thompson and Espinoza show, and also a great podcast called The Edge.
And Steph has been a frequent guest on.
So check that out.
Also, joining us on the phone, you know him, you love him from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Coniff is with us.
Also in the studio, hilarious comedian Robert, yeah, Samurai Michael Schertzer.
All right.
And Steph Zemarano, the host of Common Everything Else.
So this was the anniversary of the Gulf Water disaster.
And now I just want to remind everybody that what led to the BP disaster in the Gulf, it wasn't an accident, right?
This was gross negligence that, again, no one goes to jail for.
No one gets in trouble.
It's like the horrible thing, the worst thing that ever.
Judith Miller, we just did a segment about her leading America into an illegal.
Nobody goes to jail, nobody gets in trouble.
Again, here, BP, the worst environmental disaster in the history, right?
That's what they say that was.
And by the way, over 100 men killed, just right off the bat.
100 men killed.
No kidding.
I thought just 13 on that platform.
Oh, I'm sorry, 13.
I was thinking, wow, did I miss him?
Yeah, I missed.
I thought, I didn't know I missed 87 guys.
I knew it was like one of those.
Robert throws data out just to see if we're listening back to the story.
But it'll make you feel better.
Millions and millions of marine animals have lost their lives.
And I mean, the entire habitat's been ruined.
Who cares about that, right?
Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
But only 13 guys were killed.
Not only has the habitat been.
Chris Christie was worried about how that would affect red lobster.
So things happened, like, for instance, there were these islands and then the certain kind of tree, these little like sandbar islands, and there's like certain little kind of plants and trees that grew on there.
The oil got in their roots that killed it.
Those islands are gone.
Right.
Mangroves are really.
Those are gone.
And those were important nesting places for certain pelicans.
There's all kinds of crazy damage that happened.
So I went through my archives of what we were talking about when this first happened on the Jimmy Door show.
And I got a clip.
So this is a guy who was sent down there to investigate.
He's like a regulator, kind of.
And so I don't have all the information because I just had this in an old file.
So I don't have all the information, but I played this clip and it's amazing.
So this is the guy.
He's supposed to be an independent investigator from Berkeley.
And first he starts to tell us what led to the disaster, right?
She asks him this.
Was this accident preventable?
Yes.
Yes, it was preventable.
Okay.
All right.
So he's going good.
The critical decision was the one to remove that heavy mud.
That's based on everything we know.
Yes.
There are time pressures that are extremely intense, and there are economic pressures that are extremely intense.
So he said there's economic.
So what he's saying is there is pressure from the company to do things in an unsafe manner to increase profits, like there always is.
Okay, so I don't understand why he.
So then he says this.
You saw a lot of cutting corners.
Sure.
Sure.
He saw a lot of cutting corners in his investigation.
These are not bad people.
We're just doing dumb things.
And then he concludes by saying that.
These aren't bad people.
They're just doing dumb things.
So they're not bad people.
And Paul Pot was just misunderstood, I guess.
No, the people that just laid waste to the entire Gulf region in order to make an extra buck on top of the billions they already make, and they're not bad people.
What?
They're just great entrepreneurial Americans, except they're British, and they recklessly ruined a big part of our country.
But you got to crack a few eggs to ensure that some foreigners can turn to monster profits sucking our natural resources out of the ground, right?
You know, it's pretty stunning, Michael, to me to hear a guy who's supposed to know what is going on and say that the people whose actions cause it are not bad people.
Is everybody waiting for a job from BP?
If the people that are not bad people, they were just driven by greed.
I don't understand.
They just recklessly endangered people's lives because they wanted a little more money.
It's called economic incentive.
Like, please, let's use that instead of greed.
If people that totally corrupt a regulatory system in order to bypass safety regulations for no other reason than to increase already unparalleled profits, and then their greed and corruption ends up causing the worst ecological disaster in the history of the world ever.
Well, if those aren't bad people, then I guess nobody's a bad person.
It's really well said.
At least a few of them afterwards said, oops, my bad.
So beep.
I love how they're trying to sort of varnish up their image with these spots.
They've been running TV spots really since the Deepwater Horizon accident happened, talking about how we're getting, you know, we're working tirelessly to clean it up.
Now the spots are about how this region is coming back.
Yet, if you talk to the fishermen down there, you talk to any of the concerns that are concerned with marine life.
You talk to the ecologists, of course.
The area's been decimated.
And a lot of the area that was covered by this oil slick on top, you know, they spread that dispersant out.
And the dispersion at the time, and I'm a lay person, I know that that's poison.
That dispersion is a horrible thing.
But they do it to break up that huge blob and send it to the bottom of the sea floor of the Gulf floor.
You can't see it.
Exactly.
And that's where it is.
And that's where it has ruined entire communities of the oyster communities, I think, are down by 80%, something like that.
I don't know.
I've been watching a lot of BP commercials, Mark, and I got to tell you, they've been doing a lot of good stuff.
All right, they've bounced back.
Everything is back to better.
And they talk in southern accents, which are very home folksy.
I would say there's a silver lining, but you can't see the silver lining through all the oil anyway.
So they did release this commercial attempting to cleanse the American palate of the oil the fish in the Gulf have been marinating in.
And the commercial introduces, I'm going to play the commercial, and it introduces us to this good old boy.
His name is Bob Fryer, and he's the executive in charge of safety for BP, but he lets us know that he's one of us.
He's just an American working man, despite being an executive at a British oil company.
He's just a regular.
He informs us that he was raised and educated in Louisiana, and he worked for BP his whole life.
And he attempts sincerity when saying that since the spill, the company has changed.
Here you come.
Here, I'm going to play the commercial, and I'll play it all the way through.
And if you feel, just I'm going to play it all the way through once, and then we'll play it again and break it down.
Okay, so just enjoy it, and let's see how many big laughs we get.
I care deeply about the Gulf.
I grew up in Louisiana.
I went to school here.
I've been with BP ever since.
Today, I lead a team that sets our global safety standards.
After the spill, we made two commitments to help the Gulf recover and become a safer company.
We've worked hard to honor both.
BP has spent nearly $28 billion so far to help the Gulf economy and environment.
Five years of research shows that the Gulf is coming back faster than predicted.
Yes.
We've toughened safety standards too, including enhanced training and 24-7 onshore monitoring of our wells drilling in the Gulf.
And everyone has the power to stop a job at any time if they consider it unsafe.
What happened here five years ago changed us.
I'm proud of the progress we've made, both in the Gulf and inside BP.
Okay, so that's the commercial.
Wow, it's not a commercial or it's not from a Nicholas Sparks movie.
Don't know Nicolas Sparks.
So let's go through it again, but we'll just take it line by line, shall we?
So here he starts.
First, I like the music.
Music track.
It makes me think of a young Winona Judd doing an independent film about selling t-shirts on the beach.
Right, doesn't it?
That's what I remember that movie.
That's basically my Nicholas Sparks joke.
But yes, you're right.
Okay, there you go.
See, to me, it sounds like it's like sort of a techno version of those 50s, like industry.
Okay.
Oh, that could be.
Yeah.
Okay, here we go.
I care deeply about the Gulf.
Yeah, that's why I work for a company that recklessly ruins it for profit.
Love the Gulf.
I grew up in Louisiana.
I went to school here.
And I'll be damned if they forgot to teach me about oligopes and crony capitalism.
By the way, yeah, if you grew up in Louisiana, that means that you're very familiar with corrupt politics.
Yes, yes.
I've been with BP ever since.
Today, I lead a team that sets our global safety standards.
And next to me is Tommy.
He makes 10 times more money than me, and he leads a team that helps break our global safety standards.
Right.
Yeah.
Those teams set the global safety standards.
Those are short days, I'm guessing.
I think it was just a half day.
Okay, he's got more to say.
After the spill, we made two commitments.
Make sure our top executives had plausible deniability and two, produce saccharin commercials that gloss over the real damage we've done.
Those are our two commitments.
Now, what were the real two commitments?
Ready?
To help the Gulf recover and become a safer company.
We've worked hard to honor both.
Oh, you worked hard to honor both?
Really?
It's not like you had a long list.
Well, no, it's true, though.
He said to make it a safer company.
And if you go to the company headquarters, there are never any oil spills there ever.
It's fair as a shareholder.
I feel safer than I did, though.
I love that he's so proud of himself.
We've worked hard to honor both of our commitments.
Like he's going to say, you know, we set up the two objectives forward, and instead of doing them both, we re-nigged on 50% of them.
We were going to do both of them.
We said, fuck it.
We're just going to reneg on 50%.
Anyway, so that's the kind of tenacity you can expect from the winners over at BP.
They're going to set two goals and they're going to just work hard at them.
Okay.
They've decimated.
I mean, really, they have decimated life down there.
And the problem is that the oil companies, well, the workers, the people who are the fishermen, they dance between being fishermen and also working on the oil rigs.
So they go back and forth.
So they're in kind of a weird relationship.
Even the people who work down there with the oil companies in Louisiana.
So Louisiana is this weird place where the workers anyway can't be too pissed off at BP because they need a relationship with them.
So it's very strange.
But look, the fact is undeniable that that habitat's been destroyed.
It is undeniable.
Yeah.
But, you know, I am comforted knowing that they are on call 24-7.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, so we're going to get to that.
Okay, ready?
And by the way, he goes hard to honor both.
BP has spent nearly $28 billion so far to help the Gulf economy.
Yeah, which is almost as much money as they make in half a day.
So, you know, they're serious.
And it all gets written off on their taxes anyway.
By the way, that number is wrong.
It's because...
It doesn't include the damages, the damage suits that they've paid.
So it's closer.
It's more than like 50.
Let me just say this.
They paid 43, like 43.8.
The $28 billion to help the Gulf recover.
It's not like some enlightened revelation the company came to on their own accord.
They were legally forced to be part of the cleanup effort, and they fought that tooth and nail.
Bravo, yes.
Okay.
Mr. Dora.
I mean, for the longest time, they tried to claim that the Gulf wouldn't even be impacted and that it was no big deal.
Remember when they said the oil would dissolve itself because the ocean's so big?
They said that.
You could look it up.
They said that.
That's right.
That's right.
Also, if by help recover, they mean lie, cheat, and misrepresent the claims of the families who were harmed by your negligence and incompetence.
They've been doing a bang-up job then, if that's what they mean by recovery.
100 families.
And I love how, and I love how they say, and as far, and they go, we're becoming a safer company.
What did you change exactly?
You immediately started drilling in Alaska a few months after you destroyed Mexico.
What have you changed?
Go ahead.
Well, you know, they're expanding their deep water horizons.
They're going to other places.
They're ruining other places.
They're opening their minds.
It's not just about the Gulf.
It's about the whole world.
Yeah, they can ruin the whole world.
Right here, there's more.
Spent nearly $28 billion so far to help the Gulf economy and environment.
And five years of research shows that the Gulf is coming back faster than predicted.
Of course, our research shows that global warming is a myth and trees cost most of our air pollution.
Their research.
Yeah, their research is not exactly.
It's coming back quicker than predicted because the prediction was the world was going to fucking end.
Yes.
Ready?
Here we go.
We've toughened safety standards too, including enhanced training and 24-7 onshore monitoring of our first of all.
They've been hit.
What was the training before?
You know what the training before was?
Hey, you want to come work in an oil rig?
You're hired.
Get on.
Start working.
That was the training.
And now the trading now is, I don't know what.
I can't imagine what it is now.
Don't forget that 24-7 monitoring, though, Jimmy.
Let's not under.
Let's not address it.
Before they used to monitor it, maybe eight hours.
Yeah, the 24-7.
The 24-7 is that you can get technical support from someone in India.
Press one if you can't cap the well.
Press two if it's press two if there's been a big explosion.
And it makes me think: what the hell were they doing before this?
They weren't monitoring underwater wells 24 hours a day.
Well, you know, just sometimes we'll look at them.
And the other time we're going to...
Yeah.
Aren't you?
You're not going to monitor that 24-7?
All of a sudden.
No, no, we're going to.
Yeah, I really, if I was part of the evil that was putting together that spot, I would have gone.
Let's take the 24-7 monitoring out because we should have been.
I mean, aren't people expecting us to be doing that already all the time?
I think people were expecting them not to.
Now, like from midnight to 8 a.m., there's a security card named Scott.
No, Frank, they really are taking steps to increase their safety training.
Whereas before, they would just say, hey, here's a mud pump.
Go get some fucking oil.
Now they go, hey, nature's not going to rape itself.
You see what I'm saying?
You see what I'm saying?
All right.
There's more to this commercial.
Wells drilling in the Gulf.
And everyone has the power to stop a job at any time if they consider it unsafe.
Yeah, especially if they no longer need a job.
Yes.
Tell me how that whistleblowing goes.
The guy's going to stand up to BP.
Right.
Hey, Skip.
I just think that's too much pressure up there on the third well.
Hey, man.
If I want to hear from you, I'll come talk to you.
You understand?
We've left off this job.
I don't consider it safe.
Plus, Orson Black is on.
You have nothing like a direct conflict of interest with your worker, right?
Which is that they won't get paid if they snitch about the safety standards and they won't be hired for jobs in the future because nobody likes a snitch, especially corporations.
If you thought the crips could be cruel, try to fuck with BP and see what happens.
Okay.
All right.
There's more to this.
What happened here five years ago changed us?
I'm proud of the progress we've made, both in the Gulf and inside BP.
Wow.
Really?
You're proud of the progress you made in the Gulf?
That's like being proud of the space created in the wake of Hiroshima.
Oh, there's so much more room for...
We feel proud now.
Yes.
The BP spill, one of the worst environment disasters in American history.
You destroyed an ecosystem and the economy of at least five states.
Dolphins are getting lung disease faster than the Marlborough man, not to mention the people who wouldn't have died if not for your irresponsible criminal actions.
What the F are you so proud of?
And we'll be right back.
Yeah.
It's tough to end that spot by saying, and we're deeply ashamed.
But they should.
That's how they should.
And we're deeply ashamed.
Yeah.
Can we do the end of the BP and just have Marks end up?
Okay, right.
Ready?
So I'm going to play the end, Mark, and you go ahead, Ray.
Can I get one joke in?
Yeah, I heard Judith Miller showed up and said, yeah, we don't feel bad about it at all.
Nice.
I'm proud of the progress we've made, both in the Gulf and inside BP.
BP, we're deeply ashamed.
Yeah, that's the way the spot should run.
Ah, yes!
Yes!
Beep.
Hey, Jimmy, this is John Boehner here.
How are you?
Just want to give you a call and sort of talk about this whole nonsense, this kerfuffle involving that innocent peck on the cheek I gave Nancy Pelosi the other day in a public setting.
I don't really see what the big deal is, but people like to make hay out of nothing.
Like I said, it was just an innocent peck on the cheek, but people are saying it was inappropriate.
You know, on one hand, you got the sort of tittering rumor mongers in the media like to make fun of people like Jeannie Mose.
That segment on CNN, most unusual.
Jesus Christ, lady, get a real job.
Somebody slips on a banana peel in an internet video to get five minutes on fucking CNN.
Ridiculous.
Then on the other side of things, you got those Jezebel.com hens squawking saying that it was borderline sexual assault.
Let me tell you something.
If I sexually assault you, you'll know it.
There's no gray area there.
Get a few makers in me and come at that ass like Wolverine.
Anyway, the point is, none of that matters.
I gave Nancy a kiss.
I have a great affection for her, my colleague.
I'm an affectionate person.
I grew up in a, this is just how I wired.
I make no apologies about it.
I'm emotional.
I just turn on the water work sometimes.
People see that.
But yeah, I grew up in a big, warm family in the, you know, in the Midwest.
Lots of lots of kisses.
All that sort of thing.
And I think it's important.
It was an important display.
The American people got to see the fact that despite how much we bicker in Congress and how much we don't get along sometimes, on a deep level, we truly love each other in a very profound way.
And I think that gets forgotten.
And it manifests itself in physical affection sometimes.
It happens.
A little peck on the cheek.
A little stroke on the arm or on the back.
Maybe the small of the back, you know.
A long hug.
That sort of thing.
You know, get a few pops in us after we pass a bill.
Maybe a little grab-ass going on.
We can do what the fuck we want.
Playing footsie.
That's fun.
And this is what the sign of two, all of us together.
Both houses.
I'll tell you what, when we have a joint committee.
That's the best we get to see.
We don't get to see them that often, so you know, we get to all sorts of affectionate stuff goes on.
My favorite swing, Kirsten Gillibrand.
This is one of our committees.
Ooh.
She's the sweetest plum.
Kirsten, she's a hot rack of biscuits fresh out of the oven, that one, isn't she?
Oh, boy.
Hey, did you know this is Drew?
Our college roommate in college was Connie Britton, the bomb from Friday Night Lights.
Yeah, they lived together.
Holy shit.
So think about that.
If your spank bank is welcome to deliver a pizza to that dorm room, pulley.
We didn't order a pizza.
Yes, you did.
Oh, we have fun.
Just kisses and hugs.
No big deal.
Everyone just needs to grow up and realize that an adult can kiss another adult on the cheek.
And she's Italian, too.
Those people kiss each other all the time.
That's how they say hello, goodbye, I hate you, all sorts of things.
laughter *laughter* Anyway, I just wanted to clear all that up.
And I should probably get going, Jimmy, before people figure out this is also my J.K. Simmons impression.
All right.
That was John Bader, ladies and gentlemen.
So I was watching Fox News with Chris Wallace, and he asked the question that we all wanted to ask about Lindsey Graham.
You ready?
Fine, late signer.
We've got about a minute left.
There was an article in the Washington Post this week that I must say told me a lot of things that I didn't know about you.
It detailed the fact that when you were at the University of South Carolina as an undergraduate, you lost both your mom and your dad within 15 months, and that you basically brought up and supported your then 13-year-old sister, Darlene.
And so that's tough.
That is a tough thing.
I didn't know that happened to him.
And my heart goes out to him.
But the question that sparks in Chris's mind is this one.
Some of your friends suggested that might have been a reason why you never got married.
Wow.
That's why.
Wow.
That's the leap.
That's why.
Wow.
Wow.
That's why.
That's a high degree of difficulty on that jump.
That's why he never got married.
Either Chris Wallace is really bad at putting two and two together, or he's offering Lindsey Graham the most cover he's ever been offered.
Ever.
So this is Chris Wallace, this week's shittiest detective in the world.
You want to hear his answer to it?
You want to hear him answer?
Of course.
Let me hear the question again.
I did want to hear the question again.
Okay.
At the end of it, you go, right?
That's it.
That's the only one.
That's the reason, right?
That's hilarious.
Here we go.
You basically brought up and supported your then 13-year-old sister, Darlene.
And some of your friends suggested that might have been a reason why you never got married.
You can't put you on the psychiatrist's couch.
But how did those awful traumatic events, how did they shape your life, sir?
It changed me.
It made me realize.
Maybe you want to leave it.
I thought maybe he was saying that he never got married because you can't marry your sibling.
But then I realized that they live in one of those states.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's from the promise of.
You're not showing the video, are you?
Because at the bottom in the crawl down there, at the bottom of the screen, it said, Chris is asking Lindsey if he sucks cock.
Wow, I've got to pay attention to that crawl more often.
I'll explain it all.
I'm Haley Barber.
Hey, Governor.
How are you doing, Jimmy Door here?
Jimbo, how the hell are you?
You've been getting it?
Been getting what?
I'm sorry?
Been getting it.
You know, the trim, the tail, the poo.
Nanny.
Well, I'm married, Governor, so we have a pretty normal sex life, I guess.
I mean, tell me something, Jimbo.
Does she do the tricks?
You don't like anything fancy with your penis.
Maybe something with a twisting motion.
Governor, what do you think?
I'm Haley Barber.
Oh, guess what?
To hear the rest of that Haley Barber call, you have to become a premium member, and it's really easy.
All you do is you go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, you click on premium, join premium, you make your donation.
It's $5 a month.
If you pay for the whole year at once, we'll give you a free month.
So instead of $60 for the whole year, it's only $55.
Okay, so thanks everybody who is a donator and is supporting the show.
If you'd like to hear all the extra premium content, go become a premium member for Christ's sake.
All right.
Today's show.
Hey, by the way, I'll see you up in Seattle this Thursday through Sunday.
That's April 30th through May 3rd.
And at Laughs in Kirkland, there's a link for tickets at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And shout out to Sean James, who fixed my computer.
Oh, my computer went black.
I have a MacBook Pro.
All of a sudden, the screen just goes black.
I'm like, oh, my God, my computer's broken.
I lost everything.
My life is over.
I called Sean and fixed it over the freaking internet.
And he can fix yours too.
You give him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com and you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N or give him a phone call, 347-695-0601.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Robert Yasimura, Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Michael Schertzer, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zamorano.
And special thanks to Jim Earle for his letter, his original draft of the Tom Cotton letter to Iran.
And thanks to our good friend Mark Thompson from the Edge podcast and from KFI640 here in Los Angeles for sitting in.
Check out Mark's podcast, The Edge.
All the voices today performed by the one and only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
Okay, that's it for this week.
▲
Export Selection