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March 8, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Everybody, this week's Jimmy Dore show is from a year ago.
I decided we had to do a rerun show.
So I said, hey, wouldn't it be interesting to find out what the hell we were talking about a year ago?
So this is from this week, last March.
Enjoy.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore show.
Jimmy Dore, this is Bill Riley.
You liberal Arugula Munchers should be happy with my latest social campaign.
As you know, the factor helps minority children at risk all across the country.
They make up most of my audience.
So I'm going after the biggest problem facing the black community, sexy music videos.
Yes, you heard me.
Music videos are causing the devastation of unwanted pregnancies and fractured families in black neighborhoods.
Did you see the latest video put by Beyoncé?
I didn't like it.
All these teenage black girls who watch VH1 are being corrupted by the likes of Beyonce and Alicia Keys.
It's got to stop, Jimmy.
Simple as that.
That Ram Emmanuel has the right idea.
He shut down 47 neighborhood public schools in Chicago.
The only way to help poor families is to force ill brats in the private schools.
Problem solved.
Finally, there's a Democrat with some common sense.
You should take a page out of his book, Jumbo.
Speaking of book, I hear that your book is coming out soon.
If I find out there's anything about me in it, my next book will be called Killing Jimmy Dore.
One hour until I do my show.
I have to go paint my bald spot.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you today.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in the studio next to me from Turner Classic Movies and TYT's What the Flick?
It's Ben Makeowitz.
Hey, Ben, how are you?
What's going on, Jimmy?
How are you?
Oh, I got to tell you, you know what I love doing?
I love doing an hour and a half of tech before I sit down and do a funny comic show.
That's what I love doing.
Everybody's got a process.
You got to follow.
Some guys like to drink.
Some get a little high, but no.
I like to do tech.
Yeah, this works.
I like to zoo tech.
And it only takes an hour and a half.
So across the screen, across the glass from me, hilarious comedian, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, it's Steph Zemarano.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
I'm doing great, Jimmy.
Fantastic.
Are you our resident Latina?
Hi, yay, yi.
And across from her, it's our resident Japanese man, Ohio.
It's Robert Yasamura, Ohio.
Ohio Gaza.
And on the phone, all the way from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's TV's Frank.
Frank Conniff.
Hey, Frank, how are you?
Hello there.
Yay.
All right, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, did you say there's a new film opening?
Well, it's opening today, if you're listening to this show on the radio.
It's called The Need for Speed.
And it explores the interlocking worlds of auto racing and rhyming dictionaries.
That's a great joke, huh?
When it comes to, you know, when it comes to funny or die, I don't know if you saw Zach Galifanakis and President Obama.
Zach Alfonakis interviewed Obama, and it was hilarious.
Much closer to real journalism than any Sunday morning news show.
It was.
I don't know if you saw it, but it actually was.
I was like, oh, look, there's a little substance to his stuff he said.
Hey, when it comes to funny or die, Republicans vote die.
And in the case of Healthier Die, they also vote die.
Hey, Edward Snowden was at South by Southwest.
Did you see that?
He was speaking at South by Southwest.
I wish I was there so I could ask him to lift the cloak of secrecy surrounding my career.
Hey, CPAC.
Oh, CPAC happened last weekend.
Oh, I love the CPAC.
You know, if you went to CPAC 2014 or the circus, you'll see the same thing.
A bunch of clowns who will never be president.
CPAC 2014, it's all about keeping food out of the mouths of poor children and getting guns into the hands of crazy loons.
CPAC.
And by the way, Rand Paul, so he gave a speech.
Rand Paul, his father used to always win the CPAC straw poll.
He's a lot like his father.
Neither of them will ever be president.
Neither of them will ever be president.
He won.
Ron Paul won the CPAC Straw Poll again.
Their presidential poll.
So the CPAC people would want Rand Paul, of all of them, to be their presidential nominee.
But now he's going to plagiarize a lovely thank you note to all those guys who voted for him.
I don't know why I had to trip over that joke a million times.
It wasn't that complicated.
Wasn't that very straightforward, that joke.
Hey, have you seen?
By the way, you know, in February, Chris Christie got the lap band surgery.
Did you know that?
No, he's kind of kept that quiet, but I guess that's how he lost.
I was about to say all that weight.
But he has lost a lot of weight.
I've noticed.
He looks less disgusting.
He's still circus fat.
No, he's not anymore.
Honest to God, he's not.
He's just regular fat.
He's losing this regular fat now.
And you know what that means?
That means I can only do jokes about what an evil, corrupt politician he is.
That's great.
He'll look really good for his resignation.
He will.
Or his indictment.
I can't wait.
Oh, after three generations of politicians, there's finally an indictment in the Christie family.
Looks like a stroll lightning.
So it's a good sign in a leader that he'll sort of have the discipline necessary when it's just impossible for him to stop eating potato chips.
So he just gets surgery instead.
You know what's really weird about the, this is really unexpected.
I don't know if you're going to believe this, but the other night, MSNBT did a segment on it.
I was really.
You're kidding.
I can't wait.
I can't believe I missed it.
MSNBC did a Chris Christie segment.
They did a story on the bridge scandal.
Hey, by the way, Frank, I know.
Don't tell me about it.
ITV.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm really behind on my Christie episodes.
Yes, me too.
I love Christie.
It's every night, isn't it, Richard?
Yeah, pretty much.
Pretty much every night.
And you get to meet some new bureaucrat from New Jersey almost every time.
Somebody telling me some chairman of a thing or some guy somewhere in a bad suit because he doesn't go on TV often enough.
There have never been more New Jersey state legislators on national TV than since this.
No, this is really, this is their pilot season.
It really is.
Hey, that movie, Mr. Peabody and Sherman, it's coming out.
And I thought since I thought Mr. Peabody and Sherman and CPAC 2014 should have cross-promoted each other since they're both about going back in time.
What's coming up on the show today?
Well, we're going to talk about Diane Feinstein.
You know, she was for government spying until she was against it.
And then we're going to talk about that.
Plus, Florida's 13th district had a special election.
And what was that about?
Was it about health care?
Was it about Obamacare?
The answer just might surprise you, or will it?
Also, we're going to have an interview with Tig Nataro, hilarious comedian Tig Nataro, who's doing a benefit show for the transgendered community April 1st at the Wiltern Theater with Patton Oswald, our favorite, and Zach Californacis.
So we're going to be talking to her in the second half.
Plus, there's a lot lot more.
And we got phone calls today.
We got phone calls today.
Rick Perry calls in.
Oh, wow.
We got Bill O'Reilly calling in.
We got Chris Christie calling in.
We got Mitch McConnell calling in.
We got Miss Boonstra, who was in that, plus a lot lot more.
Oh, and Arnold Schwarzenegger calls in.
That's today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy, it's me, Anna.
Anna Schwarzenegger from the movies and the governorship and these sorts of things.
Yes, I think you know who it is.
Look, I have a movie coming out, and you'll go see it, and it will blow your mind.
It's called Sabotage, Sabotage, Banner.
Which is a name so cool, even Fonzie would be like, that's a cool name for a movie.
It's the most exciting film ever made since forever.
And if I play an elderly DEA agent and my grandchildren, all the other DEA agents.
And then we go crazy adventures together.
It's like so awesome.
If you go see it, you should be prepared to never find anything exciting ever again.
I won't go.
Other than that, I have been laying low.
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, I'll talk about it.
Since the love baby and the divorce, and bye-bye, governor, and these sorts of things, it's been such super quiet.
I used to grow up women like all the time.
And now I grew up maybe like one woman a week.
And even then, I'm like, oh, now I'm touching a boobie.
And this is better than an app.
How?
I mainly watch you out of Mercer Road and catching up on my skypoking on these sorts of things.
Because I've been really working hard on the acting.
Jimmy, did you know just saying the words correctly is not enough?
You have to really pretend to be the person and everything.
Like on sabotage.
And you're doing a scene.
And I think, what if I really was disguised the other guy?
It was really like a passion project for me.
Listen, Jimmy, I want you to call me and talk to me about things because you are my only friend who is not a prostitute to Danny DeVito.
Goodbye.
Okay, that was Arnold Schwarzenegger plugging his new movie, Sabotage, Skype booking.
Wow, I heard that he's doing a movie about when he decided to do the last action hero called Self-Sabotage.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, so there's been a lot of stuff happening with the spying by the government on people.
So Diane Feinstein made a lot of noise this week because she's upset that the CIA.
Well, we're going to get to it.
But first, I want to give you a little background on what Diane Feinstein is all about.
She loves government spying.
In fact, she loves to fear monger.
Here she was last year.
I think this was last December.
She was on CNN with Candy Crawley.
And Candy Crowley asks an important question.
And the answer just might surprise you.
I think it's going to, for sure.
Here we go.
The big question that's always asked: are we safer now than we were a year ago, two years ago?
In general, I don't think so.
I think terror is up worldwide.
The statistics indicate that.
The fatalities are way up.
The numbers are way up.
There are new bombs, very big bombs, trucks being reinforced for those bombs.
There are bombs that go through magnetometers.
The bomb maker is still alive.
Wow, they got bombed.
They got big bombs that go boom.
Do they have big bombs that go boom?
Because she, you know, if you're going to try and fearmonger, you don't want to sound like you're reading a third-grade children's book, okay?
You don't want to do that because that's what it sounded like right now.
She also said the bomb maker is still around.
I didn't know it was just one guy.
Yeah, it's just one guy.
He's really good and he's prolific.
Everybody wants to get him.
Yeah.
If you can't get your bombs made by the bomb maker, it's just barely worth blowing anything up.
Frank, it's a dying art.
Really, there's only one bomb maker left.
There's only one guy who will do custom sandals for you.
He's really, he's a craftsman.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's a bomb blur.
And you don't have, you know, they went away with the cobblers a long time ago.
And so, yeah, so that's her.
She's a fear monger.
She's big on fear mongering.
His bombs go boom.
Because bombs go boom and things are you would think.
His son's not even interested in the business.
Wants to go to law school.
Isn't that the way it always goes?
No jobs for lawyers, though.
The bomb makers kids doesn't want to be a bombmaker.
He doesn't want to do it.
Doesn't want to do it.
Dad.
Sorry.
I said, if you're not going to be a bombmaker, you're going to go to college.
And he won't go to college either.
It's called Bomb Maker and Sons.
You've got to join.
This kid wants to go to Hollywood.
He's taking improv classes.
So that's Diane Feinstein.
And she's there with Mike Rogers.
He's the chairman of the House Committee.
She looks surprisingly frightened as she's talking.
They're all frightened.
They're scared all the time, which is why they're there.
So that was them defending the NSA spying.
They're totally cool with it because they're scared.
It's worse than ever.
All this spying and all this metadata still, we're still not safe.
We're not even at even.
We're worse than we ever were.
How could that be?
I wonder what could go wrong.
I wonder what could go wrong.
So the problem with that spying is that the Fourth Amendment prohibits it.
Because the Fourth Amendment says that you are to be secure In your papers and personal effects and in your home, and you can only be searched with probable cause.
So it has to have a probable cause.
That was written by the terrorist group known as the Founding Father.
Known as who, Frank, say it again?
That was written by the terrorist group known as the Founding Fathers.
Hey, by the way, they would be classified as terrorists today, by the way.
Let's remember that, that they committed violence against the government, and I'm pretty sure that's called terrorism right down today, isn't it?
Yeah, so Ben's going to tell us what the Fourth Amendment says.
Now, Ben, you got it?
The relevant parts.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects.
Nice job, you got most of those against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated.
And no warrants shall issue but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched and the persons or things to be seized.
So that's right there.
So the government says right there, the government cannot search you or gather your data or listen to your phone calls without probable cause and a warrant that specifically says what is they're looking for and what they're going to be searching.
So that's so that's not happening.
Particularly describing.
Particularly describing.
That's not happening.
So that's why what the NSA is doing is in complete violation of the Fourth Amendment.
But what they like to do is say it's legal anyway.
No, no, no, this is legal.
They'll go, it's legal.
And what they mean is that we passed a law that says it's legal, but the law is unconstitutional.
We're never going to talk about that part.
We're talking about the law we passed to make it legal, even though it goes against the Constitution.
And we all know that.
How silly is it?
Just very quickly, I'm sorry.
Apparently, what enables every administration from starting with the Bush administration and going forward into time forever, that all they have to do is find one lackey lawyer at the Justice Department to go, okay, it's fine.
And then they're like, boom, could you write that down?
And he does.
And then like, all right, we're good.
One guy to change the Constitution.
You don't even need Jacobian Myers.
You just need Jacobi.
So I'm going to play, here's the next clip I'm going to play for you.
By the way, I would argue with that because it goes back to the FISA warrants, which were put into law during the Carter administration in 78.
Yes.
So the FISA courts.
Right, but at least when that law was conceived, the idea was that the FISA court would actually issue a warrant.
Issue a warrant and might, therefore, when you name a court to issue a warrant, might at some day, at some point, say no to a warrant.
As it turned out, in practice, they said yes to everything, but even that somehow wasn't good enough.
I think they've issued before 9-11, they had issued over 300 warrants and said no to two.
Yeah, I know.
They were like the Harlem Globe Trial.
So here is Michael Hayden, who was in charge of the NSA spying.
This is a tape from back, I think, 2007.
So someone's asking him specifically what I just talked about, what Ben just read about the Fourth Amendment.
This is when the program was in full force, and Hayden, General Hayden, was in charge of it.
And here's what, here's, let's just watch this.
Here's what he has to say.
My understanding is that the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution specifies that you must have probable cause to be able to do a search that does not violate an American's right against unlawful searches and seizures.
The Fourth Amendment actually protects all of us against unreasonable search and seizure.
But that's what the measure is probable cause, I believe.
The amendment says unreasonable search and seizure.
And then he doesn't go on to read the next part of it.
He says unreasonable searches and seizures.
And then what does it say, Ben?
No warrant shall be issued, but first of all, no warrant shall be issued, meaning you need a warrant.
You need a warrant.
But upon probable cause.
Probable.
You need a warrant with probable cause supported by oath or affirmation, so a judge has to sign off on it.
And then the specificity and particularly describing the place to be searched.
Searched.
Searched and the persons or things to be seized.
So he's this is a guy.
No, they were specific.
Everything and everyone.
And I'm sure some guy came in and swore an oath and said, I think there's some crappy behavior going on out there.
I think there's some bad stuff happening somewhere around here.
It could be anywhere.
It was a big warrant.
Yeah, that's basically the warrant they got.
We're going to search everyone's everything everywhere.
Can you be more specific?
I'll sign it.
So here's what he has to say.
He keeps going.
But does it not say probable?
Support urgency?
The legal standard is probable cause.
Just to be very clear, okay?
And believe me, if there's any amendment to the Constitution that employees of the National Security Agency are familiar with, it's the Fourth.
Oh, I believe them.
Except for the head of the agency, who apparently doesn't know it.
Believe me, if there's any amendment that we're, we know, we know all about this.
So what I'm telling you is, yeah, we're violating it.
And I'm lying to you right now.
So if there's, because if there's any Fourth Amendment that is.
You know, anytime a man in uniform says, believe me?
Yeah, believe me.
I know.
You can't believe him.
Let's say he might have something else to say.
Let's see.
And it is a reasonable standard in the Fourth Amendment.
So that's not true.
So he should have just turned to the camera at that point and said, and by the way, what I consider reasonable is very different from what most people do.
Yeah, because you know he does.
So here, so speaking of the Fourth Amendment, here's Diane Feinstein coming off a Sunday morning program with Mike Rogers.
Now, it's important.
Now, why is Diane Feinstein pointed?
Because she's the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, right?
So everything that the CIA does, the NSA does, anything that has to do with gathering intelligence, spy work, she oversees it.
She's the chairman of the committee that oversees it, right?
Because we have a transparent government.
You can't keep things secret from the people.
She represents the people in the Senate.
She oversees it, right?
That's correct.
Okay.
And that's why it was so horrible that she's supposed to be our representative and she's totally okay with spying.
She's totally okay with it.
Even though the people are outraged, she's our representative.
She's totally cool with it because she's corrupt.
Well, she had to sign off on it years before we knew anything about it.
Yes.
And she said, go ahead, Frank.
Well, it's just great to have a liberal Democrat whose staff is disco representing Diane Feinstein.
Did everything that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney wanted for the Iraq war, gave us just a rubber stamp.
Yes.
And this is the Democrat.
This is the Democrat.
Sometimes, though, when Bush and Cheney asked her to do something, she would sort of sigh irritatingly first.
Fine.
All right.
Okay.
So here she was coming out of a Sunday show with Mike Rogers, and a reporter confronted them and tried to read the Fourth Amendment to her.
And let's watch what happens, shall we?
What is the Fourth Amendment.
Well, it's protection against search and seizure.
The program here has nothing.
The program here is legal.
It has been passed by the party.
So that's what she wanted to say.
She goes, it's legal.
You notice she didn't say constitutional.
She said legal.
Okay, so what she's doing there is being a horrible person.
Right?
Because she knows exactly.
She's selling out her constituency.
She's selling out America.
She's selling out the Constitution.
And what is she doing it for?
She's doing it because she's corrupt.
I love how in the first clip, the senator was challenging Michael Hayden because he was talking about the search and seizure part of it.
And the other guy would say probable cause.
And then she's only now she's talking about probable cause, but not search and seizure.
Like, it's got both.
Yeah.
Like, why can't we just do?
I can't.
I'm not sure I might have that backwards, but whatever.
Like, both things are in there.
It's not that hard to memorize.
I found it on Wikipedia.
It's two seconds.
It's two seconds.
Those are the important things.
No unreasonable searches and seizures.
And you need probable cause.
That's it.
That's the Fourth Amendment.
And now let's watch this reporter try to make that exact point to her and let's watch how she handles it.
Ready?
Department of Justice as a legal program.
It is carefully audited.
Oh, good.
You have inspectors generals independently looking at it.
It is reviewed by the court every three months.
And the court, when they pass out one document, which was the document that was revealed, which said it could continue for another three months.
The court also passes another statement, which puts strictures on the programs for the remaining three months.
But can I interject there?
The important part of that as well, and all of this is right, is that it is not targeted on Americans.
It has to be a non-U.S.
person believed to be on foreign soil.
That's a huge difference from what is being portrayed in the media.
Okay, so that's false.
Again, Mike Rogers lying, and we know he's lying because he has access to all the classified information.
So he's lying.
Diane Feinstein is lying.
They're lying.
That's a lie.
And the reporter calls him on it.
Not the case with the program pertaining to phone data.
The Fourth Amendment stipulates the false paper.
Shall not be violated, but a punched officer.
I'm not sure who you're with.
So he starts to read him the Fourth Amendment.
He's like, see, but what you're saying, this program is the phone data collection is in violation.
He starts to read what it's in violation of the Fourth Amendment.
And what does Mike Rogers say?
He doesn't argue the point.
What he does is, I'm not sure who you are.
I'm not sure who you're with, because depending on who you're with, depends, changes the definition of the Fourth Amendment.
Yeah.
Are you with ABC?
Because if you are, then I'm going to read the Fourth Amendment in a different way.
Who are you with?
CNN?
Are you with?
If you're not with anybody, then this doesn't mean anything.
The Fourth Amendment does it.
I don't even have to talk about it.
So that's watch.
Here it goes.
It goes on.
There's more.
I'm not sure we're getting into debate here.
I understand, but case law also.
Well, I think there's no sense.
If you want to debate, we can do that later.
I will do it another time.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm just quoting the Fourth Amendment.
I want you to swear this program with the Fourth Amendment.
So no, so they had, so they had no problem ignoring the Fourth Amendment then because spying was happening to you and not to them.
Spying was happening to you and to me and to Ben, but not to them.
And that's why they couldn't give a care about it, right?
You're being unfair.
They're going to have the debate with him later.
Yeah.
Well, we'll have this debate later.
We're going to have it later and then we'll cover it then, okay?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what they're doing is not only not legal, it's not even barely legal.
I say that porn is more constitutional.
Watch anything with Satan.
We did another hour and a half of tech today before the show.
That's the show.
Hey, everybody.
Okay, so guess who called me?
Bill O'Reilly gave me a jingle jangle.
Oh.
Jimmy Door.
It's me again.
It's you again.
Together again.
You know who the real victim is of racism is?
The racists.
That's right.
These are people who are persecuted for their beliefs.
Think about the discrimination they have to face day in, day out.
They're becoming the real minority in this country.
I don't see you liberal pinheads fighting against the prejudice shown to them in all culture.
Bigots.
Talking membo.
Obamacare is a clause of failure.
The cheaper premiums are killing Americans.
I want my pre-existing conditions back.
Legion never promoted health care with Jack Galfernakis.
He is a daffodil Rutherford DA's.
Disgraceful.
I can't fucking believe I got away with it.
Shippong.
I'm going to go sell my money.
And what's next on the factor?
People are telling me to say factor instead of the factor.
Or is it that the Ukraine?
I don't know.
I'll give you the last word.
You're wrong.
Caught his mic.
Caught his mic.
I said, Caught his mic.
Okay, Bill O'Reilly.
little upset with the Zach Galifianakis thing.
Everybody, this is the part of the show where I say thank you for helping support the Jimmy Door show.
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Now let's get back to the show with the second half.
A lot of good stuff.
Rick Perry calls in.
Tig Notaro got an interview at the end of the half hour and a lot more on Diane Feinstein.
Now let's get back to the studio, where I'm joined by Frank Connoff again.
We missed Frank.
Oh, you know, he moves to New York and then we don't hear from him.
And now we got him on the phone.
Okay, it's great.
Frank Connoff is back on the show.
Ben Mankiewicz from Turner Classic Movies.
Robert Yasamur is in the studio along with Steph Zamarano.
And let's get right back to the studio.
We're talking about Diane Feinstein and all her bullshit.
So now, guess what happened?
Oh, it turns out the other day, the head of the CIA gave a call to Dianne Feinstein and let her know something.
And what did he let her know?
CIA Director Brennan requested an emergency meeting to inform me and Vice Chairman Chambliss that without prior notification or approval, CIA personnel had conducted a search.
That was John Brennan's word of the committee computers at the off-site facility.
Yes.
So what she just said was the head of the CIA called her up and said, hey, some of our guys over at the CIA have been snooping around your computers and they might have taken stuff.
Whatever.
I just want to let you know.
I just want to let you know because, you know, you're the boss of us and you're in charge of everything, even though we all know you're not, because we're going to do whatever the hell we want.
In fact, we just broke into your computer and took stuff.
So he's letting her know that that's what happened.
I think what he's letting her know is that he's not in control of his agency at all.
Yes, that is exactly right, Robert.
That's exactly what the CIA chief said.
But he is in control of it when it comes to collecting that phone data, which will never be used for any nefarious reasons.
Yeah, yes.
That he can control.
He can't control the other things.
To be fair, the NSA and the CIA are different agencies.
Yes, and by the way, they're never going to listen in on your phone call, except that the spy agencies for the United States will also listen in on the chairperson of the intelligence committee's computers.
They don't care.
But you, they definitely wouldn't.
Let's be clear.
The CIA will listen in on the chairperson of the intelligence committee when it threatens them.
Yes.
But otherwise, they don't care.
Yeah, otherwise they don't care.
Otherwise, it did threaten them, which is why they went after it.
And we're going to get to that part in a second.
So here's now, I just showed you all those examples of Diane Feinstein not caring about the Fourth Amendment, not caring about statute, not caring about precedent, not caring about the privacy of the American people or the laws that the government has violated in spying on us.
She doesn't care about any of that stuff because it's happening to you.
Oh, guess what?
It just happened to her.
And now what does she have to say about all the Fourth Amendment and stuff?
Let's hear what she has to say.
I have grave concerns that the CIA's search may well have violated the separation of powers principles embodied in the United States Constitution.
The CIA's search may also have violated the Fourth Amendment.
Oh, my God.
The Computer Fraud and Abuse Act.
Really?
As well as Executive Order 1233, which prohibits the CIA from conducting domestic searches or surveillance.
Huh.
So there you go.
All of a sudden, she's an expert on the Fourth Amendment.
She's an expert on the federal statutes that don't allow all the criminals, all this spying stuff that's bad.
She's an expert on it.
She's an ex all of a sudden.
I've been to her.
They got it at her computer and they found out her favorite website, Pot Calling the Kettle Black Dot.
Yes.
So she's outraged over the fact that the government is spying on her.
And other news, Chris Christie outraged that cake.
So do you see, you get the joke?
John Brennan, she tried to talk to John Brennan about it, but he was like, I don't know what state you're from.
We can debate it, but we'll just talk about it later.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know who you are exactly.
Are you from Utah?
I don't know.
So they asked Brennan in real time, sixth, they asked Brennan in real time that day, right?
So they asked that Andrew Mitchell was at some forum with the head of the CIA.
They asked him, is this true what Dianne Feinstein is saying?
And are you really hacking into the senators' computers and taking stuff?
And here's what he had to say.
As far as the allegations of CIA hacking into Senate computers, nothing could be further from the truth.
We wouldn't do that.
We wouldn't.
That's just beyond the scope of reason in terms of what we should do.
That's unreasonable.
I feel good now, don't you, Frank?
Frank, they would never do that, the CIA.
Sure.
They would commit war crimes and order torture, cover it up, destroy the videotapes, I don't know, break international law, the Constitution, whatever.
But they would never listen or go to a computer from a Senate staffer.
Are you great?
What kind of crazy?
Yeah, we're war criminals, but we wouldn't look at a computer.
We've overthrown like four governments and completely denied it.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
I want to hear his denial again because it's just fun to watch a guy blinking.
The allegations of CIA hacking into Senate computers.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Nothing.
You wouldn't do that.
I mean, that's just beyond the scope of reason in terms of what we do.
It's not reasonable, Ben.
It's not reasonable.
So what Diane Feinstein is doing is completely unreasonable.
I love it that the story also just devolved into Feinstein says this and Brennan says, she says that you called her and told her that it happened.
You called her.
You called her.
So she made that.
Did she just make that conversation up?
Ah, damn it.
I didn't think she was going to say anything.
A spy agency with no regard for the law is the last people I think would go into my computer.
Yeah, I know, right?
I can't believe it.
So how did this all start?
What is this all about?
That's really the question, right?
So how did this all start?
Well, Barack Obama, so there was the CIA tortured people, okay?
Abducted and tortured.
Abducted and tortured people, right?
In the fight on terror.
We're the good guys, by the way, in this.
Somehow we're the good.
We're fighting on the fries.
We're on the side of freedom and liberty.
And sometimes you have to commit depraved acts to ensure democracy.
To preserve freedom and liberty.
You have to torture people and become an animal yourself.
So even though it yields no good intelligence.
No, it doesn't.
So we all know that, right?
So they do an investment.
The Justice Department did an investigation about torture.
Three-year investigation.
They bury it.
They don't do anything about it.
Barack Obama says, ah, let's free.
Here's what, by the way, here's what Barack Obama said.
So here's what he had to say about it.
I hope this is the right clip.
Strong believer that it's important to look forward and not backwards and to remind ourselves that we do have very real security threats out there.
Yes.
See, Barack Obama, he got that three-year investigation report from the Justice Department, which detailed all the war crimes and torture that the CIA committed.
And Barack Obama took that report and went, okay, I saw it.
Now let's move forward.
And we're not going to prosecute anybody because all those torture crimes happened In the past, and I'm Barack Obama, and I'm looking towards the future.
And when I heard that, I felt a lot better because you know, all the crimes I've committed, they're in the past, too.
And I'm glad we're not prosecuting those anymore.
I bet those people in prison are pissed off they committed their crimes in the future.
Stupid criminals.
Am I right, Frank?
Hey, what is this minority report?
Come on.
So that's what happened with Barack Obama.
He didn't want to prosecute the torture.
And so that's why.
And so, why is it important that you prosecute torture?
There's a couple of reasons why it's important, Ben.
The first reason, if you don't prosecute people, they're going to do it again because there's no consequence paid for it.
So if you don't prosecute crimes that happened in the past, you're almost guaranteeing that they're going to happen in the future.
Here's another reason why you have to prosecute those torture crimes is because the people who did it are still in power.
Yes.
They didn't go away.
They didn't get fired.
They didn't get let go.
They're still at the CIA.
In fact, the guy who okayed the torture is a guy named Ettinger.
And that's who Dianne Feinstein is going to talk about right now.
Right now, the guy she's not going to name, she's going to refer to him as the CIA's general counsel, this guy Ettinger.
He approved the torture.
And here's what Diane Feinstein has to say about that guy who never got prosecuted.
I view the acting consul general's referral as a potential effort to intimidate this staff, and I am not taking it lightly.
From mid-2004 until the official termination of the detention and interrogation program in January 2009, he was the unit's chief lawyer.
He is mentioned by name more than 1,600 times in our study.
Okay, so I'll just give you a little bit more background.
So the study, she means the Justice Department investigation, and they got a hold of that study.
Dianne Feinstein's committee did.
And they're looking at it and going finding out what it said.
And she said, this guy Ettinger, who is now, because she has a control of that report, which exposes Ettinger for being a war criminal, so he wants those documents.
And that's the documents they stole.
They went and stole those documents that prove that Ettinger is a war criminal and that they committed torture.
And that not only that, but they videotaped every torture episode and then destroyed them.
So he okayed the destroying of the tapes.
Ettinger okayed the destroying of 91 tapes that showed torture being committed by the CIA.
Wow, talk about snuff films, right?
Kind of weird, right?
They got all these tapes of actual torture, right?
Ettinger says, destroy them, they destroy them.
It's illegal.
He then goes into the computers of Diane Feinstein's committee, grabs those papers that prove it, and takes them out.
All electronics.
That's not known.
What happened?
So the documents pertaining to the rendition program were on a computer at the CIA.
And so if staffers wanted to view those documents, Senate staffers had to go to the CIA to look at them.
What they discovered over time was that documents they had seen on those computers were now gone.
But they had a shared computer network.
Which is why Brennan had to call Dianne Feinstein and tell her that.
I think it was more than a shared network.
It was specifically set up at the CIA for the Senate Intelligence Committee.
What Brennan was calling about was a different was basically, this is what happened.
One of the staffers realized they're starting to wipe their files.
Yes, which is totally illegal.
So what they did was he took a hard copy.
But wait, the important part, Robert, of this story is where those files were.
So those files weren't at the CIA.
Those files were on a shared computer system shared with the Senate Intelligence Committee.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yes.
That computer was set up at the CIA for the staffers.
Okay, they were erasing it.
That was illegal.
Yes.
What happened was, was that a Senate staffer went, they're erasing stuff, took a hard copy, ran over to the Senate and got it.
Yes.
Put it in a safe place.
Yes.
And then what happened were two things.
First of all, that's when the CIA started hacking staffers' computers to find out what the hell happened.
The second thing that happened was that the CIA and this attorney in particular, Ettinger, filed a complaint, I think with the Justice Department saying they violated law by taking this hard copy out of the CIA.
Yes, that's exactly what happened.
Instead of, and nobody went directly to the Justice Department and said, yeah, because you were destroying evidence.
These guys, the balls on Ettinger.
You know, I mean, in a sense, you got to admire him.
You do.
I admire him.
Yeah, you're violating the law.
And what were these guys really worried about?
You were worried that Dianne Feinstein's staffers were going to come after you?
And somehow they're going to have a hearing about torture eight years after it happened?
They're not going to, nothing's happening.
Their biggest mistake was causing this kerfuffle, which might actually...
It's not the crime.
It's the cover-up.
It's the kerfuffle.
But isn't Diane Feinstein more worried about that her staffer stole that copy?
Isn't she worried about that?
Because I thought she was really up in arms over Edward Snowden.
Oh, very nice.
Why didn't the staffer just go to the proper chain of command?
Yeah, why did you?
Ettinger.
Yeah, he should have just gone to Ettinger.
Maybe Ettinger's chief of staff and said, I like it.
And if Ettinger destroys all evidence of all the torture he's done, isn't that going to ruin his chance to get a presidential medal of freedom?
No.
Do you know what the most infuriating thing about this was after 9-11, there was a nationwide call for our intelligence services to be reviewed and for them for a severe oversight overhaul of all of them.
And what did we get out of it?
We got a much worse CIA.
We got a much looser NSA.
And we got the Department of Homeland Security, probably one of the worst agencies ever developed in government.
And none of them talk to each other, by the way.
And that was the point.
That was the whole idea.
Don't talk to each other.
Yes, very good point.
So here's my last question.
Who, when they watch Three Days of the Condor, they root for Maximum Fidel.
I don't get that joke, but I'm sure it's great.
For that day.
I'm sure that's a great joke, Frank.
Thank you.
But so now here's our last clip on this segment.
This is a long segment for us, but it's complicated and there's a lot of hypocrisy.
There's layers and layers of hypocrisy to get through, and we got through them.
Here's Mike Rogers.
Here's his last, my last bit of thing.
Here's what he has to say about the good guys and the bad guys.
And so we're fighting amongst ourselves here in this country about the role of our intelligence community that is having an impact on our ability to stop what is a growing number of threats.
And so we've got to shake ourselves out of this pretty soon and understand that our intelligence services are not the bad guys.
And joining me today is Texas Governor Rick Perry.
Hey, hey, hey, Jimmy.
How are you?
sweet ass of yours doing.
Hey, speaking of fine supple asses, I got a bug of mine.
It's that so-called comedy video that the President Barack Hussein Obama made with that Zach Alfanakis fella.
You didn't think it was funny?
Hell no.
It's beneath the dignity of the office of the President of the United States to do a comedy sketch when the world is in so much turmoil.
But what about when George W. Bush made jokes about weapons of mass destruction?
That was funny because he did those jokes at the height of the Iraq war.
Comedy Tommy is everything you should know.
You should.
Oh, you know, didn't know that.
But I guess we have a different sense of humor, huh, Governor?
Look, I totally get the kind of postmodern humor the kids today are in, too.
In fact, I recorded my own comedy bit, and I did it with the only man who has made me laugh since the glory days of Red Skeleton.
And who's that?
None other than Jay Leno.
Wow.
You recorded a sketch with Jay Leno.
Yeah.
I'm putting it up on my new website, Funny or Deceased.
Oh, just like Funny or Die?
Oh, it's nothing like that at all.
Give us some prep for being original, Jimmy.
Okay, now here's the sketch I did with Leno Between Two Plants.
Oh, just like Zach Galifanakis' sketch is called Between Two Ferns.
No.
What is this one?
His sketch is between two ferns and mine's between two plants.
Damn, Jimmy, you just don't get it, do you?
Well, why don't you play the sketch for us?
Okay, here it is.
Hello, this is Jay Leno.
Welcome Between Two Plants.
My guest today is Rick Perry, who we are known for being governor of Texas and a presidential candidate.
And one other thing I can't remember.
Oops.
How are you doing?
Why are you making a lot of most embarrassing moment in public?
That's just plain mean, man.
No, you see, we're being postmodern and ironic.
We're creating fake awkwardness, just like in the Obama Galfinakis video.
But we're supposed to be both in on the joke.
Well, I don't appreciate what you said one bit.
Okay.
Let's move on to the next topic.
Governor Perry, you oppose the Affordable Care Act, am I right?
I sure as hell do.
I understand that they're thinking of calling the version of the law the Unaffordable Care Act.
Hell, that's just a plan on words that you made up, isn't it?
That's a bit.
It won't work unless you play along.
I'm playing along with this shit.
How can you say that I've come up with a name for a healthcare plan when it's a known fact that none of us in the Republican Party have any kind of health care plan at all?
Gee, Governor, I'm having a harder time finding a laugh in this bit than a woman finding a safe and legal abortion in Texas.
Now we're cooking.
You're right about that, J-Bo.
We don't let any Texas ladies have any say over what they do with their bodies in my state.
No, sir.
In fact, in cases of rape, sometimes the rapists have more rights than the woman he raped.
Say, can we get all ironical and post-mortem and turned out into a comedy bit?
It'd be a total hate.
Governor, I don't want to offend anyone.
You know, I guess I'm a regular guy who has no feelings, emotions, or a point of view about anything.
So, you know, I make fun of Republicans and Democrats.
I really let Anthony Wiener have it, that's for sure.
Weiner.
That's his name.
His name is Weiner.
That's right.
His name.
His name is Weiner.
Anthony Weener.
Weena.
That's his name.
And what's even funnier is the fact that Weiner is a euphemism for p-in-winning.
That's right.
Anthony Weena's his name.
I was working on my car, and Mabel said, Jay, did you see?
Take that, Zalapa Kanakis.
You've been taken to school.
This is how it's done.
Well, Governor, thanks for stopping by and giving us a lesson in the art of comedy sketch.
I'm truly humbled.
Thanks, Jimmy.
And eat a bag of d ⁇ , you podpack and fudge casting turd.
Okay, it's Governor Rick Perry calling it.
So I'm here with Tig Notaro.
Of course, you know, Tig Notaro from Comedy Central, Conan O'Brien, Sarah Silverman Show, her own podcast.
What is that podcast called, Tig?
Professor Blastoff.
That's right.
But so thanks for coming on the show.
You're doing a big show on April 1st, right?
April Fool's Day.
You're doing a big show in the notes.
It's a benefit, and it's to support a foundation called Crawlopalooza.
Is that what?
Well, that's the show, Crullopalooza.
This is the first year, but it's going to be a yearly benefit.
It's in memory of Suzanne Kroll, an amazing person, actress, mother, husband, friend.
And she passed away back in July of this year.
And her husband, Peter Sprite, he wanted to put together a yearly benefit to give all the proceeds to an underdog charity that he thought that Suzanne would have believed in and that he knows that she would have believed in.
And this is for transgender youth.
And so it's going to be me and Zach Galfanakis and Patton Oswald, Reggie Watts, Ian Harvey.
There's a couple other comedians, but I guess there'll be a surprise.
So it's at the Wiltern Theater, which is right here in Los Angeles.
That's April 1st.
And wow, that's quite a lineup.
Zach Galifinakis, who's in the news all this week because of his In Between Two Ferns segment he did with President Obama about Obamacare.
And also, so Patton Oswald, we're all big fans of Patton.
Reggie Watts, love him.
That is quite a show that you're on.
Yeah.
So let me see.
So the name of this organization is called Trans Youth Speak.
Trans Youth Speak.
And it's a transgender advocacy group.
And it sounds like a great cause.
It sounds like that might be the best show in Los Angeles all year.
So I wouldn't easily.
Yes.
Easily.
Besides one of the live Jimmy Door shows.
Other than that.
And you can also, I think they have regular ticket prices, but there's also the fancy VIP seats that are right up front.
And I think you get like a gift bag and drinks.
And so we have some extra cash.
Yeah, so I will put a link for tickets to that show at my website, and people can check that out.
What do you?
So what do you have coming up new that you want to share with the people?
For the most part, I'm in town.
I'm writing a book.
Oh, really?
Tell me about the book.
The book is just my life fell apart for four months and had just all was going.
I got pneumonia and then contracted this deadly horrible thing called C. Dis, where my insides were being eaten alive.
And then I was discharged from the hospital, and my mother tripped and hit her head and died.
And I went through a breakup and was diagnosed with cancer.
And then here I am writing a book about those four months.
And the day after I was told my prognosis, I went on stage at Largo here in Los Angeles and did a show that was scheduled.
I was, you know, previously going to do regular material, but then I just thought I'd try and make light of what I had gone through.
And the album ended up being nominated for a Grammy.
And so it was kind of a wild ride.
And that book is, that's what I'm doing is I'm working every day writing on that book.
Well, people have spoken about that set when you went on stage and talked about that.
In fact, Louis C.K. called it one of the most perfect comedy sets he's seen in 25 years or I might be paraphrasing.
I think you are.
I think I am.
But it's right up.
That's the general gist, that it was an amazing set.
And it was Grammy nominated.
I didn't know that.
That's fantastic.
All right.
It didn't win.
I lost to Kathy Griffin, but it was still, you know, it was such a, I didn't plan on doing the set.
You know, it wasn't worked out perfected material.
It was, I didn't plan on releasing it as an album, but Louie called me the next day saying, you know, you have to release that.
And then for being nominated for Grammy, was not expecting that either.
So it was all kind of, when I didn't win, I was like, yeah, oh, well.
Yeah.
I mean, there was no planning behind any of it.
So my heart and soul wasn't really in that nomination.
It was all just kind of a, it's like we were talking earlier.
It's all so random.
And I just, I don't put too much behind anything.
No, well, of course, the awards.
You're already a winner, right, when you're nominated, Tig?
Did you say something?
Well, yeah, it's cliche to say, but it's so true.
I just, I was like, my God, I can't believe they acknowledged my album for a Grammy.
I was not expecting that.
So, yeah, not winning was perfectly fine with me.
Yeah, you know, when people announce me as Grammy nominated now, it kind of sounds like I want a Grammy anyway.
Yes, there's very little difference between Grammy Nominated and Grammy Winner.
Yeah.
It's right.
Yeah.
You know, a Grammy nominated album.
Wow, really?
That sounds like a great app.
Yeah, yeah.
So everything, everything's fun.
By the way, in the premium content this week, we got a phone call from Chris Christie, and we're going to have a segment on the, I don't know if you are hip to the story.
We didn't get to it in today's podcast, but about the, they were running a commercial against Obamacare with a leukemia patient.
This woman, her name is Boonstra.
Ms. Boonstra said that Obamacare canceled her health care and she has leukemia and she doesn't know what to do.
So it's false.
Of course, the Detroit newspaper did a little checking and they found out that she could get a healthcare plan that's better for about half of what she was paying and it caps her out-of-pocket cost anyway.
So it's the craziest story.
And so what happened was that the lawyer for the Democrat running in Michigan for Carl Evans' seed sent a letter to the TV stations asking him to stop running that ad because it was false.
That woman could get better health insurance for cheaper.
And then they put out another ad with that woman saying, oh, quit questioning my credibility.
It's devastating me.
Anyway, so we talk about that in the premium content.
And then we have a phone call with that woman, which is fantastic.
Okay, so there's a lot coming up on the premium content.
If you're not getting it, you should.
We had 35, I think we had 35 minutes of content last week with two phone calls.
This week we got two more phone calls plus a lot of content.
It's a great way to help support the show.
And how do you do it?
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on premium.
You make a $5 donation or $55 for the whole year.
If you pay up front, you save yourself $5.
Isn't that nice?
And then that gives you access to all of our premium content, which there's a bunch of it going back to last year now, a whole year of premium content.
So do that.
And our app is waiting for approval at iTunes.
It's been submitted.
Our app is completed and submitted and should be given the approval from iTunes soon.
So you'll be able to get everything through our smartphone app, which I'm excited about.
And of course, that's very expensive.
So please become a premium member so I can pay our iPhone app developer.
Okay, that's it for this week.
I want to say thanks to all our writers.
Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasamura, Steph Samurano, and Mark Van Land Do It.
And by the way, Sean James, if you got a problem with your Macintosh, he can help you fix it.
He helps me fix mine all the time.
He donates his time and talent to the Jimmy Door show, and he can help you fix your computer.
If you got a problem, he'll fix it right over the internet.
It's amazing.
You send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com and he'll get right back to you.
Or you can send him a, you can call him right on the phone because maybe your computer's down.
You can't email him.
You send him, you give him a phone call or a text, and here's his number, 347-695-0601.
All the voices today performed by the Inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
Also want to let you know Mike McRae is going to be featured on HuffPo Live, HuffPo Live on Monday.
Let me see if I know exactly what time he's going to be.
I don't know what Ty didn't say.
His appearance Monday at HuffPulp Live.
He doesn't say what time.
Okay, and he's going to talk about this article, which we're going to talk about in the premium content.
Guy wrote an article in The Atlantic about why aren't there more conservative comedy shows?
And he quotes Mike McRae in it.
And we break it down in the premium content because it was, you know, I don't understand.
People who, I guess everybody has an opinion on comedy, and so they get, and these are writers who get to write about it.
But nobody really knows anything about comedy except comedians.
All right.
So that's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Door saying you be the best you can be and I'll keep being me.
Okay, so obviously none of that stuff is happening because this is this was a show from this time last year.
It was actually from, I think, March 14th of last year.
So there you go.
So ignore all those dates and shows that we talked about on the show.
Those aren't happening.
But it was still nice to hear from Dig.
Okay, that's it.
You know what?
We had to do the our TV.
We did the show in front of a live duty audience on a soundstage over at the YouTube Space LA.
That's what happened this week.
And it took way more work than anybody could ever imagine.
And I just had, I had great people working with me and it was a lot of fun.
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