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Jan. 3, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to this week's Jimmy Door show.
We're doing a special look back at some of the things that caught our eye from last year.
So, right around this time last year, let's start.
We'd like to shout off our, like to shout off.
We'd like to start off our show with a little rant.
And used to be Steve Rosenfield all the time last January.
And right around this time last year, Bob Gates, former defense secretary for Barack Obama, came out with a tell-all book while Barack Obama was still in office, which doesn't sit right well with us here at the Jimmy Dore show.
And Steve Rosenfield had some thoughts on it.
So here they are now.
This week, former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates dipped back into the spotlight long enough to throw some much-needed dirt on President Obama.
In his new memoir, Gates criticizes Obama for being suspicious of his general's advice on Afghanistan.
And there's no excuse for that other than the fact they were generals giving advice on Afghanistan.
Gates claims Obama thought our involvement was a waste of time and just wanted to get out.
When, of course, we all know it's been a huge success and we should stay as long as possible.
The former defense secretary was originally brought in late during the Bush administration to relieve Donald Rumsfeld, who got into trouble in the 9th with bases loaded after confidently predicting a romp against Iraq.
The newly elected Obama kept him on as Secretary of Defense in a show of post-9-11 unity that only Democrats ever have to make.
Gates also claims Obama and Hillary Clinton both opposed the Iraq surge for political reasons, as opposed to why Bush invaded Iraq in the first place, which was for absolutely no reason.
In addition, Gates attacks Vice President Biden for being wrong on every national security issue for the past 40 years.
Whereas Bush and Cheney were only wrong about Al-Qaeda from January 20th to September 10th of 2001.
Gates says he was so angry at the Obama White House, he thought of quitting.
But that wouldn't have been the best way to protect the thing he loved most, his pension.
Since the early 70s, Gates has been respected in Washington for being a loyal career man, though now it turns out he was only loyal to his career.
At least he didn't say that Obama giving the order to kill bin Laden was the coward's way out.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the up-minded, lowly-lovered lapdies.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to T. Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Everybody, welcome to this week's show again.
This is going to be a look back some of our favorite things from this year, as was that rant up top about Bob Gates' new book.
We also had some phone calls.
Rick Perry's coming up very shortly.
But what's happening right now, guess I'm sure you're all aware of what's going on in New York City with Bill de Blasio, the new mayor and the police union.
And they're turning their backs on him everywhere he goes.
And, you know, the police, New York Police Department has had a lot of practice turning their backs on stuff.
You know, like this, like the Constitution, stopping frisk.
There you go.
That was a big tweet for me last year at the end of December.
I thought it was nice how the mayor asked the protesters after the tragic death of those the murder of those two police officers, New York police officers.
Mayor de Blasio asked for protesters to maybe not protest till after the funeral.
And the guess what?
The New York Police Department responded, not only will we not wait, we're going to protest at the funeral.
Hey, is there anything classier than making the death of young policemen all about the union's new contract fight?
Could there be anything classier than politicizing the funeral of two dead cops?
I don't think so.
New York Police Department really looking good.
If there's anything they could do to make themselves look more horrible, they're having a contest, I think.
Hey, who could come up with an idea to make us look even worse than people who murder black people with impunity?
Oh, I know.
Maybe we'll politicize the funeral of some dead cops.
Fantastic.
You guys are doing a great job.
Yes, they keep turning their backs on Mayor Bill de Blasio, but you know what?
It's really not the least bit unusual to see cops looking the other way, is it?
Okay.
And I don't know if you heard, but Dustin Diamond, Dustin Diamond proved, because recently he got arrested and charged with there was a stabbing incident in the Wisconsin bar.
Some other cops managed to take him in without shooting him or killing him.
And, you know, Dustin Diamond proves that if you're white, the cops won't shoot you, even if you're armed.
And even if you're effing, screech.
And can I just let everybody, everybody who did the joke, whenever something bad would happen, they would go, oh, thanks, Obama.
That joke, I just want to let everybody know that joke is now old and hacky, okay?
That joke is finally old and very hacky.
So thanks, Obama.
And did you hear that a two-year-old baby somehow got a hold of her in a Walmart, got a hold of her, his mother's gun, and killed her in a Walmart.
And it just goes to show you the NRA is right.
The only thing that could stop a bad two-year-old with a gun is a good two-year-old with a gun.
Hey, there was a police chief down in Georgia said he accidentally shot his wife twice accidentally.
And it just goes to show you, NRA is right.
The only thing that could stop a bad police chief with a gun is a good police chief with a gun.
And everything's crazy with North Korea and the interview.
And did you hear North Korea called President Obama a monkey, which is raising fears that they've hacked into the Tea Party's computers and are now downloading racism off of them?
And did you hear about the Pope saying he's going to really come out forcefully about climate change?
We ought to do something.
I'm like, what's with the Pope and climate change, huh?
A religious leader believing in something that can actually be proven?
That's very weird.
Hey, did you hear about the new, the GOP, the Republican new majority whip in Congress?
His name is Steve Scalise.
Well, it came out that he gave a speech in 2002 to a widely known, unbelievably racist group, right?
That was actually founded by David Duke, the racist to end all racists.
And he gave a speech there.
But he has a perfectly good explanation.
He said, because I'm a racist.
He actually said he thought the group was just the Rudy Giuliani fan club.
There's so many racists in here.
This must be the Rudy Giuliani Fan Club.
He's trying to say he didn't know that that group founded by David Duke, that David Duke ran a hate group.
Steve Scalise also said he didn't know Betty Crocker Bake Off was a cooking event.
So it's a lot of stuff he doesn't know.
But Steve Scalise is really trying to hang out onto his job, and he had to avoid avoided all racist gatherings on New Year's Eve, which is why he didn't go to any GOP New Year V New Year's Eve parties.
That's not that great of a joke.
Let's move on to the next one.
But I think the Steve Scalise story happened because the GOP needed to get in one last racist thing before the end of 2014 for tax purposes.
That's better.
You know, the timing of the Steve Scalise story is very unfortunate because the GOP has been trying to reach out to a wider diversity of racists.
Hey, and sad news, by the way, I don't know if you heard Mario Cuomo died.
And you know what?
They don't make them like Mario Cuomo anymore, even when they're named Cuomo.
All right, no, let's get back to this week's special look back at 2014.
And by the way, Rick Perry called me.
Okay, now, you know what?
I didn't know, but Governor Perry left me a voicemail right before Christmas and I didn't get it.
And so here it is.
Here's Governor Christie.
I mean, Governor Rick Perry.
Hey, Jimmy, this is Rick Perry, three-term governor of Texas.
Could have had a fourth term, but I already solved all of Texas' problems.
Didn't want to jump ashore.
That's nice.
How are you doing?
Just want to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.
I'm very excited, Jimmy.
It's closing in.
My stockings is hung by the chimney with care.
I like to just look at them stockings hanging there by the chimney with care.
Very relaxing.
This is a time to sit back on our laurels and make our Christmas wish list.
What's our name?
Okay, Jimmy, here's wish number one.
Let's hear it.
Every night I drop to my knees and pray for things like goodwill towards man.
Hell, I don't give a damn whether it's Christmas or the 4th of July or the goddamn middle of February.
If they're my fellow man, I extend my goodwill to them, especially if they're from out of town.
Because, Jimmy, we have freedom of religion in this country.
And in Texas, multiply that by a thousand.
You can pray for anything you want, no matter how terrible a thing it might be.
Nobody cares what you believe or what you think about anything.
And nobody wants to know.
I mean, you specifically, Jimmy.
Okay, get ready for number two.
I want everybody to have a happy and healthy new year, especially in Texas, where we're leading the nation and denying the existence of Obamacare.
It's paying off, Jimmy.
So far, only 14,000 Texans have signed up for Obamacare, which proves how bad it is.
In Texas, we stood up for freedom despite all the pressure to accept the federal government's billions for a Medicaid expansion.
And let me tell you, Jimmy, it's not easy to do something so counterintuitive.
But hey, if I could execute an innocent man, I can certainly stand up for the rights of thousands of sick people and not be able to afford a doctor.
And for no reason other than my spyful and perverse brand of hyper-partisan integrity.
Excuse me for rambling, Jimmy, but I spocked my eggnog with back meds.
Ted Cruz talks a lot about repay on Obamacare, but I stopped at Co.
He did.
Forget that Mexican border fence.
I built an impenetrable stone wall between Texans and hospitals.
Jimmy, did you ever notice how much I look like Charles Brolin?
Yes.
Which is weird because he played George W. Vishnu Alverston movie that nobody saw.
I don't look nothing like that.
Sometimes it freaks me out a little bit.
Did you see my new eyeglasses?
Pretty cool looking, hole.
Glasses make you look intelligent.
Did you know that?
Shit man wore him and everybody thought he was this like totally different smart guy.
Number three.
Oh, damn.
I can't remember the third one.
Hey, Jimmy, if you're not doing anything between Christmas and New Year's, you should come down and visit me at the You Know What Head Ranch.
It's just going to be me and my wife.
Make it all on their sand.
Okay, well, you're hoping a jolly fat man comes right down your chimney repeatedly.
All right, Governor Rick Ferry.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
I hope you're enjoying this look back at some of our favorite stuff that happened in 2014, some of our favorite phone calls right now.
We played last week the world's most easily offended listener, and we got such a great response.
Here's another time he called in last year, the world's most easily offended listener.
Enjoyed.
So I don't know if you guys watch the TV as much as I do, but there was the Law and Order Special Victims Unit.
They did a special, they did a show on rape that featured rape jokes from comedians.
Like it was a problem.
I have it on my DVR.
I just saw the script.
Sounded like a stupid show.
Sounded like, you know, and I mentioned it at the top of the show.
Like, I wasn't crazy about it.
I thought it was.
Anyway, the offended caller called me, and here he is.
Hello?
Am I?
Hello?
Am I on the air?
No, you're not.
Yes, you are on the air.
How can I help you?
Yes.
Hello.
This is Offended Listener.
Oh, hi, Offended Listener.
What happened?
Did anything offend you today?
Yes.
Well, I'm very upset about something that you said earlier in the show.
You said something extremely dismissive about last night's Law and Order SPU episode.
And I was very offended by that because Law and Order Special Victims Unit is one of the bravest shows on television.
They're extremely brave.
They take on issues that no one else will.
Case in point, last night's episode where they talked about the epidemic of comedians, so-called comedians telling rape jokes on Stage adding to our rape culture,
augmenting it, and just basically creating a hostile space for women and children, and it needs to stop.
It's all over comedy, and it needs to end.
And they took that on full bore, and they should be proud of themselves and they shouldn't have to take a bunch of guff from so-called radio comedians like you, such as yourself.
So, you're saying, let me get this straight.
See, you're saying that you are offended that I said something dismissive about the Law and Order SVU show that was on last night because it dealt with a comedian's telling jokes about rape.
Yes, exactly.
And you've been affected by that.
Absolutely.
All of society is affected by that when our rape culture is augmented by the constant barrage of stand-up comedy, which is essentially nothing but white males telling rape jokes now.
That's how bad it's gotten.
And it needs to stop.
If you go to a comedy club, basically all you hear is white, straight male comics telling rape jokes.
Is that what that was that what you experienced when you went to a comedy club?
That's what lots of people, yes.
Well, that's what people experience when they go to comedy clubs.
What about you, though?
Did you experience that when you went to a comedy club?
I have read many blogs online, at least like six or seven of them, that very explicitly detail a person that, yes, so I don't get, I don't understand.
So, you've never been to a comedy club?
No, but so what?
What difference does that make?
How could you be offended by something that you weren't there to be offended by?
Okay, let me, you know what you're doing right now.
There's a word for that.
What you're doing is called absence shaming.
And I'm sick of it.
There's a lot of us.
I'm not the only one.
There's a lot of us who rarely, if ever, leave our apartments because of anxiety problems.
And we have to be offended through the reports of other people who were there.
And it doesn't make my outrage any less.
It's what's called a proximity bias.
And it's rampant in our culture.
It's this outdated, antiquated notion that someone has to be physically near an incident to know what the incident was.
Okay.
And that needs to stop in the society.
In fact, myself and a lot of my people, we have a disability and essentially we're being discriminated against.
And a lot of us, in fact, we're petitioning the state Supreme Court of Oregon to allow us to testify in trials for crimes that we were not witnesses of to in person because we're being denied our right to participate in the judicial system just because we can't physically be around things that happen.
And my opinion about something that happened is no less important than someone who physically witnessed it.
Okay.
I would disagree with you, but I hear your Woody Allen thing came up and all of these people were getting this pathetic argument.
Oh, how would I know if he did this or not?
I wasn't there.
If you weren't there, what a pop-out.
What?
Such a cop-out.
So irresponsible to think that you can't know what happened because you weren't there.
It makes me so angry.
So what?
You can still be offended if you weren't there, and you could still have a pretty good idea of what happened.
It makes me so angry.
So good for SVU for taking this on.
As someone who has essentially been in comedy clubs through the lens of Jezebel and Gawker and other websites that report on this, I'm very proud of them.
Okay.
So for you to belittle that is just stupid.
Okay, well offended listeners.
And it offends me.
And that is extremely important.
Okay, offended listener.
I feel very badly about all this.
Really, I do.
Well, okay, that's just a first step, to be completely honest with you.
So your first step is to be sorry, and then I take ownership of you and use that guilt.
So we're making progress, but we have a long way to go, so don't get complacent.
I promise I'll go home and watch that episode of Law and Order with a different lens.
I think you should.
I think you should.
Okay, offended listener.
Thank you very much for sharing your offenses.
Okay, I'll probably be calling back six or seven times within this episode, so be prepared.
Okay, will do.
Thank you, offended listener.
Thank you, offended listener.
Beep.
Jimmy Dore, this is Bill Riley.
You liberal arugula munchers should be happy with my latest social campaign.
As you know, the factor helps minority children at risk all across the country.
They make up most of my audience.
So I'm going after the biggest problem facing the black community, sexy music videos.
Yes, you heard me.
Music videos are causing the devastation of unwanted pregnancies and fractured families in black neighborhoods.
Did you see the latest video by Beyoncé?
I didn't like it.
All these teenage black girls who watch VH1 are being corrupted by the likes of Beyoncé and Alicia Keys.
It's got to stop Jimmy Simple as that.
That Ron Emmanuel has the right idea.
He shut down 47 neighborhood public schools in Chicago.
The only way to help poor families is to force ill brats in the private schools.
Problem solved.
Finally, there's a Democrat with some common sense.
You should take a page out of his book, Jimbo.
Speaking of book, I hear that your book is coming out soon.
If I find out there's anything about me in it, my next book will be called Killing Jimmy Dore.
One hour until I do my show.
I have to go paint my bald spot.
We'll see you next time.
Bye.
Bye.
No.
you you Okay, we're in the middle of our look back at some of our favorite stuff from 2014 here on the Jimmy Dore show.
And of course, Herman Kane is one of our all-time favorite callers.
And this is when he figured out that the Republican Party wasn't that into black people.
On the phone, we have Herman Kane.
Herman, how are you, buddy?
Good.
How are you doing, Jimmy?
It's been too long.
What are you wearing?
Oh, come on, Herman.
What's your wife wearing?
That's the real question.
Yeah, listen, let's get back.
I'll just imagine.
Okay, so now you have, first of all, you're upset with the RNC because they put out a list of potential 2016 presidential candidates.
And, well, why don't you take it from there?
They were all white, right?
Yeah, what did they think of all the people on the list?
Well, white dudes.
You know, not a single African American.
What about Alan West?
Yeah, I know.
He's going to be the next president, whether you like it or not.
Herman, you know you're.
What about Dr. Ben Carson?
He's a genius.
Herman, you know.
He's a neurosurgeon who also happens to know all sorts of things about other topics.
Yes.
Listen, Herman.
Well, what about me?
Herman.
What if I wanted to run again?
Why am I?
Why am I not on that list?
Herman, you know you're into racism.
I take that back.
I shouldn't go that far.
It's just an oversight.
You're in the Republican Party, Herman.
I know.
That's what hurts the most.
Do you get that?
They're trying to stop black people from voting.
Do you understand that they don't want your people partying?
Yeah, not all they do is they say they want an ID.
You need an ID to buy ice cream.
Why wouldn't you need an ID to vote?
Something like that.
No.
No.
you you Okay, now, if you remember, we're going to take a look back at earlier this year in Mississippi, Thad Cochran, longtime Republican from Mississippi, had to appeal to black voters to vote for him so he could stave off a challenge from an even more conservative right wing from the Tea Party.
So that was kind of crazy to see a Republican go out and try to get African Americans to vote for him because the alternative was worse for them.
So anyway, we call our best buddy from Mississippi to talk about it.
It's Haley Barber.
So let's go to our phone call from Haley Barber.
Yeah, Haley, how you doing?
I'm doing good.
How are you doing?
You caught me.
You called me sideways, unawares.
I was about to go to bed.
You're a slave here.
I know you.
I know you probably were.
That was just a little few hours later here in Mississippi, Al.
I got my gym damn phone.
I'm there to hear.
I'm there to hear.
What do you need to know, son?
So it got crazy down there.
A lot of blacks had to vote for a Republican, Thad Cochrane.
Blacks?
Yeah, whoa, sure.
So, I mean, it's a lot of people.
Well, you're talking about the election turnout down here in Mississippi.
No, a lot of the base is upset that that.
There's all sorts of accusations of racism.
Yeah.
And that's ridiculous.
I mean, speaking for myself.
I ain't racist.
Some old best friends are a bunch of blanks.
Oh, we work.
Yeah.
So, anyhow, I don't know.
I don't know what this bank lay shit about Faye Cochran.
It seems weird that he had to go get African liberal Democrats to vote for him so he could win in a Republican primary in Mississippi.
You know how crazy that sounds?
Well, hey, you know, I figured, you know, I mean, there ain't no racial divides here in Mississippi.
There's no boundaries.
So, you know, these, you know, fucking blacks or whatever.
They're going to go vote for white folks, too.
White folks are going to go vote for blanks.
All right.
There's some news now.
It's the new South.
Okay, so what do you, how do you plan to deal with the discontent of your base of the Tea Party?
How do you mean?
Now they're going to be discontented.
They wanted the guy who...
I don't know.
I mean, maybe they won't show up, and the Democrat will win in November.
Well, I mean, they'd be shooting themselves in the foot if they did that.
Yeah.
Wait, hold up.
Oh, shit.
You're right.
What?
Oh, we didn't even think about that.
So you don't have Sarah Palin, big split, like Ted Cruz, Sarah Palin, Mike Lee.
They're more supportive of.
So the best thing for us to do is support.
I'm trying to figure this out.
What are we supposed to do?
What is the problem?
The Tea Party guy.
So the Tea Party guy.
is not that.
Man.
I'm a fan.
Well, hold on.
In all these scenarios, the dude's white, right?
You know.
Way box.
So why do you think it's so split, the Republican Party?
I mean, half the people voted for one guy, and almost exactly half the people.
Well, I'll tell you why it is.
We all big ten.
There's a lot of Republican means a lot of different things, different people.
So, you know, around here, that means one thing.
You know, up from Massachusetts, Connecticut means it doesn't.
Okay.
Well, you really, really didn't answer any of my questions, but I just don't.
I ain't here to serve your purpose.
What are some, would you say some of the big things that divide you, the Thad Cochranes and the McDaniels?
Well, I mean, there is, I mean, admittedly, there is, you know, sort of a divide.
Wayne is sort of a traditional paleoconservative and a libertarian wings of the Republican Party.
Right.
No doubt.
So I think we're seeing a lot of, you know, we're seeing a lot of burnt and pains of that divide.
But we'll navigate it.
We'll figure it out.
It's not like it ain't, it anyway, we're not going to figure it out.
Okay.
They're talking third party already.
Sarah Palin said that today on Sean Annity.
Wait, she talked about who?
She's talking.
What happened?
She's talking about third party.
This really drove them crazy that you had to get liberal Democrat African Americans to look.
We're all Civil War within the Republican Party.
Yeah.
And we'll figure it out.
We'll work it out.
Okay.
What we'll do, just like we did in the South of the actual Civil War, we're going to pretend it didn't happen.
Is Haley Barber?
This is Haley Barber.
Does it all sound like?
I'm sorry for a second there, no.
No, sorry.
So there was a civil war in this country.
Uh-huh.
Just like we're having a Civil War in the Republic of Port.
Oh, okay.
We'll get over a civil war and probably get part.
Just like we got over the civil war.
And the.
By killing a bunch of.
There's going to be some dead people.
There's going to be some very unhappily, very unhappy blacks.
But we're going to get through it.
And we're still going to be a viable party.
Okay.
Okay.
I don't see it, Haley, but I appreciate you checking with us.
And South Horizon again.
All right.
Thank you, Haley, Mr. Governor.
Okay.
Is this over?
Alright, goodbye.
Goodbye.
Ah!
All right.
That was Haley Barber, ladies and gentlemen.
I hope you're enjoying today's special look back and all our favorite stuff.
And I want to give a big thank you to everyone who helped support the show when they shop at Amazon.com.
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That's how we make the show happen.
There's no other way.
That's it.
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Okay, let's get back to the second half.
We got a lot of more fun stuff coming up.
We'll be right back.
Hey, welcome to this special look back at some of our favorite phone calls and things we talked about in 2014 on the Jimmy Doer show.
Right now, let's get to Liam Neeson's going to call in.
We're going to have some classic Bill O'Reilly.
Let's see, Mitt Romney calls in to tell us he's not running.
So right now, let's get to our Liam Neeson.
He's called in several times.
He listens to our show in New York City where we're broadcast on WBAI.
And maybe not the best time.
Anyway, let's get right to our call with Liam Neeson.
Jimmy Doar, this is actor Liam Neeson.
Oh, hey.
Hey, Liam.
Howie, Mr. Neeson.
Wow, I didn't know you were a listener to the show.
How did you find our show, Mr. Neeson?
Jimmy, as you may know, I live in New York.
Uh-huh.
Where you are broadcast at 3 a.m. on Sunday nights.
Uh-huh.
Right after the Gregorian chant hour and right before the militant black poetry slam.
Sure, in between the Gregorian chants and the black militant slam.
You know, I did know that that's when they play me in New York, so you didn't have to tell me.
Well, that is usually the time I'm patrolling the streets of Manhattan, holding back the endless tide of scumbags and vermin that seek to control the night.
And that's when you listen to my show, then?
Yes.
Okay, all right.
It is the funniest show ever in the history of anything.
It's much funnier than things that are not funny.
Yes.
Like death or alcoholism.
Yes, death alcoholism, not funny at all.
Well, thanks.
I really appreciate you saying that, Mr. Neeson.
Jimmy, I'm calling about something that isn't so funny, though.
Oh, what's that?
What's not so funny?
The dangers of multi-dimensional retail monopolies.
I don't understand.
Okay, you mean like how Amazon.com is refusing pre-orders of your film, The Lego movie?
Is that what you're talking about?
That's right, Jimmy.
This is a film that needs to be burned into the minds of every consciousness everywhere.
It's Jeff Bezos.
And it's supposed that Amazon has stopped this from happening.
This is unacceptable.
Okay, so for the people who are listening, I just want you to know Amazon is currently in negotiations with Warner Brothers to get a larger piece of the profits from their DVD sales without raising the price.
That's what's happening right now with Amazon, right?
Again, you're correct, Jimmy.
So now they're using strong arm tactics.
This is a mistake.
Why?
Liam Neeson does not respond to strong arm tactics.
Okay, okay.
Mr. Neeson, you know, they're also trying this with the Hatchett Publishing Company.
Did you know that?
And that's not going so well for them either.
No, it's not.
Citizens cannot pre-order J.K. Rowling's new book, Tropic of Cancer.
Yeah, I don't think that's the name of J.K. Rowling's new book, Tropic of Cats.
That's not the name of it.
She should have called it.
What?
I'll write another Harry Potter book if we all come together to really fuck Amazon.
I guess that would have the desired effect you're looking for there, Mr. Neeson.
Other films you cannot pre-order because of Jeffrey Hitler, Basils.
Okay.
Grudge Match.
Uh-huh.
And what Sly Stallone and Bob De Niro team up with a tiny black man to fight crime.
Yeah, I don't think that's what that movie is about, Liam.
300 Rise of an Empire.
Okay.
300th installment of the gripping Rise of an Empire series.
Okay, Mr. Neeson.
Superintendents.
Okay.
Tony Depp and Morgan Freeman do something with computers.
Okay, that's sort of accurate about that movie.
And of course, Good Shilla.
Or as it is pronounced in the original Japanese, Gutsura.
Okay.
Okay.
That's not how it's pronounced in the original Japanese.
The gripping tail of a giant lizard that knocks down buildings, which displease him.
Mr. Neeson, are you just describing movie commercials?
And finally, blended.
A very human sort of movie in which Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore smile at one another against a background picture of Africa.
Okay.
And I think she is pointing at him in a non-threatening way.
Okay.
Well, listen, thanks for calling in, Mr. Neeson, Liam Neeson, and bringing us a very important story.
Jimmy.
And very important story.
What?
What?
Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome, buddy.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
I really, no problem.
All right.
Could you do me a favor or not be so fucking high every time you call me?
Okay, I'll try working.
Okay, but it is fun.
It is fun to be, you know, you're funny.
It was written by Robert Yasamer.
Of course, it's funny.
Okay, that's okay.
Just funny.
It's having I can't stop laughing.
Good for you.
You're fine.
Okay, good for me.
Liam Neeson.
Okay, so I got Bill O'Reilly on the line.
Joining us, it's Fox News hosts, our favorite Fox News personality.
It's the one and only.
It's Bill O'Reilly.
Bill, are you there?
That's an insult, Jimmy.
A goddamn insult.
What is an insult, Bill?
What are you talking about?
You're describing me as a quote Fox News personality.
I am so much more than that.
I'm a commentator, a prognosticator, an unequivocator, and when I'm chatting about falafels, a chronic masturbator.
Bill, you are willing to describe yourself as a masturbator?
Really?
The best there is, god damn it.
There ever was.
Well, to be clear, all the charges against me were dropped after I paid my accuser millions of dollars, so I was completely exonerated.
Bill, I'm surprised that you are the one dredging up this old news right now.
That's kind of weird.
Well, Jimmy, it's Fox News's 18th anniversary.
Oh, and I'm in a nostalgic business milestones.
It inspired me.
Really?
To take a moment to quietly reflect and look back at the many times I've ejaculated into a sock while talking to a female underling on the phone.
Okay, Bill.
So this is an older, wiser, and more mature Bill O'Reilly that I'm talking to right now.
Don't make me out to be some over the hill old-timer, Dor.
Very much of the moment with new and exciting ideas.
Like, for instance, my idea that America should hire an army of mercenary soldiers of fortune.
What?
To fight ISIS in the Middle East?
Yes, Bill.
You've already floated that plan, and it's been routinely debunked already.
Okay, shut up, Dor.
Just shut up.
Did you hear me?
Yeah, I hear you.
I just told you to shut up.
Shut up.
Yeah, well, Bill, I'm not shutting up.
Aren't you responding to my call for you to shut up?
Bill, Bill, when you shut up.
I said, shut up.
Bill, I'm telling you.
Shut up.
What?
Stop telling me.
Okay, I'm going to give you the last word.
Okay.
All right.
I appreciate you giving me the last word.
What I want to say.
Shut up.
Now, Bill, stop it.
Shut up.
Bill, you're losing.
Shut the fuck up.
Bill, you're losing your cool air, buddy.
All right.
Not possible, Dor.
Never going to happen.
What?
Anyway, as I was about to say before you rudely interrupted me, I've moved on from my call to send a mercenary army to stop ISIS.
I've come up with a much more practical plan.
Yeah, what's that?
What's your practical plan?
Hire a mercenary army to stop Beyoncé.
What are you talking about, Bill?
What are you talking about?
She's a threat to our national security, Jimmy.
How?
Only a trained force of highly skilled and well-paid soldiers of fortune can stop her from spreading her left-wing agenda of funky propaganda.
Funky propaganda, Bill, Bill, listen to me, buddy.
I really, really, I don't think that's right, Jimmy.
I used the term funky.
Yes, you did.
I know all the hit phrases the colored kids use.
I don't think so.
I ain't no jive turkey.
Oh, God.
Bill, right now you're being offensive on so many different levels.
Do you have any idea about that?
I know how to talk to the blacks.
No, you don't, Bill.
For instance, here's a cool, up-to-date urban thing I'd like to say to a homeboy.
Okay, go.
What is that?
Hey, Hoggy Bear.
What's the word on the street?
No.
Yeah.
Bill, I have to know exactly what do you mean?
What do you mean by funky propaganda?
Jimmy, let me break the word propaganda down for you.
Okay.
Prop is the thing Keratov uses to get more laughs in one minute than you've gotten in your entire miserable career.
And Uganda, I believe, is the African country Obama and Beyonce were born in.
That's propaganda.
Bill, I'm going to have to end this.
Thanks for joining us.
Congratulations on 14 years at the Fox News channel.
Congratulations.
That's right.
14 years, bitches.
I'm very proud.
It's the longest run of any TV channel in the history of broadcasting.
You know, actually, Bill, I'm checking my notes.
CNN has been around a decade and a half longer than that.
NBC CBS has been on TV since at least, I don't know, at least I'm going to go back to 1948.
Or let me explain something to you.
Okay.
Fox News has been on the air since 1996.
1996 is a much bigger number than 1948.
So therefore, Fox News has been on the air longer.
It's simple, Matt.
Bill, you're just plain wrong about this, buddy.
Shut up, Pineapple.
Just shut up.
I'm just telling you, Bill.
Okay, we'll do it live.
Bill, you're wrong about this.
Shut the fuck up.
Bill O'Reilly, ladies and gentlemen.
Benghazi.
The fragrance so captivating, they'll never want to let you go.
Benghazi, mysterious, preoccupying, infatuating.
Benghazi.
Watch them go from grasping for straws to grasping for you with a new scent that will drive right-wingers to distraction.
Benghazi.
Tonight, make something out of nothing and let that special someone finally get to the bottom of you with Benghazi.
Nice.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, so now we all remember the Clive and Bundy scenario down in Texas where the cops came for him and they all showed up with their assault rifles.
And guess what?
Glive and Bundy is still not in jail and he still has his cows and all this stuff.
So it turns out if you come at the government with rifles and stuff and the NRA is going to back you and Fox News will back you and everything.
And it turns out I was like, boy, everybody always says, what if black guys did that?
What if black guys showed up with those rifles?
Well, guess what happened?
There's a group of Black Panthers called the Huey P. Newton Club, right?
And they're in Dallas, Texas.
And they decided to do an open carry rally.
And well, here's a little bit of video from that right now.
Perfectly legal.
Just for Michael Burr.
Just the money burn!
Just for Michael Burr.
Just the Harry Brown!
Just for Harry Corner!
Justice to Harry Gorn!
No longer will we let the fish snow down, brothers and sisters, and not say a thing of 100.
That's a jump for Harry Corn.
Just so now they're yelling justice for Michael Brown, justice for the guy who was choked in New York City.
And he said, no longer will we let pigs shoot us and not respond.
And they're like, and they're all got, they all got, they look pretty, you know, they look like Black Panthers, right?
And first of all, very smart to wear black because very slimming.
Very slimming.
That really is the mistake of the militia movement.
It's the all the camouflage.
Not flattering.
Not flattering.
And yes.
And I got to tell you, I'm with, I feel like I'm so happy to see this, these black guys with guns.
It's like someone's tickling me from the inside.
That's how good I feel because you knew this was coming.
Thank God it came finally.
Like, I don't understand when those people in Ferguson weren't all carrying guns, right?
That's what we were talking about.
Why aren't they all open carrying?
That's what they should be doing.
Why is it the NRA there saying they should open carry?
And when the cops shoot a tear guy, say, just blow the.
So here they are.
They're down there.
They're in Dallas.
They got their guns out.
And there, a lot of people know, any predictions, Frank, on this video?
Any predictions on the...
What could possibly go wrong?
Well, you know, considering their love of gun rights down there, I would assume that they just let them walk and didn't make any kind of fuss about it because they love gun rights there, right?
Yeah, well, they're open carrying in a rally for justice, Frank.
They're not open carrying in an Eddy Chipotle.
So I don't consider them legitimate.
You know, unless Black Panthers graze on federal land, I'm sure there's going to be a strong response to this.
You know what I'm saying?
Well, let me just say this.
So a lot of people, or some people, when they saw this video, say, oh, now there's going to be gun legislation finally.
Now they're going to pass gun laws.
And I said, what?
Because black people have guns?
You think they're going to pass gun laws?
The NRA is thrilled that these Black Panthers are out there with their rifles.
That means Whitey's going to buy even more guns.
And then Blackie's going to buy even more guns.
And everybody's going to be armed to the teeth.
And they're going to be making money hand over fist.
And you go, and you go, why won't they pass laws?
No, no, no, no, no.
What's going to happen is the cops are going to go, if this keeps up, they're going to go to that Black Panther club wherever they get together, wherever their club headquarters is, in the treehouse or wherever it is, and they're going to kill them.
That's what's going to happen.
They're going to start shooting them.
And I don't know if you remember, but in the 60s, that's what they did.
And they just say, hey, they shot first.
They're going to go, yeah, yeah, yeah, we were just there, you know, to serve a warrant, and then they shot first.
And that's because I foresee guns being when I see Black Panthers open carrying assault weapons in Dallas, you know what I think?
I foresee guns being pried from cold, dead hands.
That's what I foresee.
I don't know about you.
I prophesize that the Huey P. Newton Club headquarters will someday be greeted by a government response that will set the new standard since Waco.
This is my prediction.
Give the Black Panthers credit, though, right?
They're out there.
They're doing it.
They know what's coming.
And they're doing it anyway.
And I say, bravo, bravo to them.
But it's coming.
If you guys keep doing this, and if you actually start scaring people, they're going to come and kill you.
Just so you know.
A lot of gun stores are having race war sales now.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I hear the sound of gun sales going through the stratosphere from paranoid Turner diaries readers.
There really aren't any other kinds of Turner diaries readers, besides the paranoid.
No one just like casually reads that.
Actually, it's weird because I went out and bought a gun after I read the nanny diary.
*laughter*
No.
Guess what?
Guess what I got?
Mitt Romney's in the news, and he was talking on the phone.
I'm going to play, I'll play it for you.
They asked him on a radio interview if he's thinking about running.
Really?
I have had the chance of running.
I didn't win.
Someone else has a better chance than I do.
And that's what we believe.
And that's why I'm not running.
And, you know, circumstances can change, but I'm just not going to let my head go there.
I remember that great line from Dumb and Dumber where the.
So you're telling me I have a chance.
There you go.
You remember.
You're telling me I have a chance.
That's one out of a million.
So let's see if we can get him on the phone.
Let's see if we can get Mitt Romney on the phone here, shall we?
Hey, it's Jimmy Doer.
Is this Mitt?
Hello.
Jimmy, how the heck are you?
I've been, you know, I've been busy, buddy.
How about yourself?
I read your new book.
Really funny stuff.
Oh, really?
Thank you very much.
I left my keystrokes.
Your keester?
You really nail it.
That Luke Russert is such a okay.
That's not the kind of language.
You're a big favorite little dick tickler.
That's not how we talk on this show.
That's not funny.
It's not funny at all, Mitt.
Listen, how are things?
How are things going otherwise, pal?
Can I hear from you?
Oh, good, I guess.
What's the matter, Mitt?
You sound a little bummed out, buddy.
What's going on?
No, it's just that the first two days of Burning Man got canceled because of rain.
And so I got stuck in Las Vegas.
Mitt, I don't believe it.
You go to Burning Man.
You, Mitt Romney, go to Burning Man.
Tell me why you're.
Oh, yeah.
I take the boys and we minister to the druggies, hippies, and Democrats.
Hand came last year.
He loved it and learned what Analingus was.
That was a weird move.
Okay.
Okay.
Listen.
So, Mitt, people are all sad because the Republican presidential candidate Hopefuls look troubled.
People are mentioning you for president, but you say you're not running.
Oh, good lord.
No, I'm not running for president again.
Really?
I am 100% not running.
Really?
I had my chance, and the darkies rejected me.
Okay, listen.
Yes.
Yes, Mitt.
Black people and Hispanics overwhelmingly did not vote for you.
That is true.
They were very prejudiced against me because MY.
No, I don't think so.
And I want them all thrown out of the country and stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's probably your spitballer.
He's come up with some ideas.
Listen, look, people are talking about you being president, but you sound like you're being wishy-washy about running for president.
Now, are you, or aren't you running for president?
I can assure you that I am not running for president.
Take that to the bank and deposit it in my not running for president account.
It's tax-free.
Okay, listen.
Mitt, when you say you're not running for president, the interview on the radio the other day, you like, you like left the door open.
Oh, well, Jimmy, as I said, I'm not running for president, and that's for sure.
Unless, of course, circumstances change, and then we'll reassess.
What did you just say?
Did you say you might run?
Absolutely not.
Not running.
Unless there's an unforeseen change in the political landscape.
Might put my family to that meat grinder against your one.
Mitt, I just want you to, Mitt.
Mitt, I just want you to know that what you're saying underneath your breath, that everybody can hear what you're saying.
You know, we can hear you what you're saying.
Well, of course you can hear me.
We're on the phone with each other.
Yeah.
No, I mean that stuff you say at the end of your sentence.
You kind of think you're whispering, but I can hear it.
It says you're going to run again.
oh look what a treat I thought I was talking with Jimmy Dore, but it turns out I've been speaking with Marvel superhero Blue Ear He's my favorite okay listen that that is a real thing okay.
Well listen Mitt Tell me what are those circumstances that would need to change for you to be run for president again?
What are they exactly?
Oh, I don't know Jimmy as a politician I learned to never say never and to leave doors open even though that's a waste of electricity So I don't know precisely what outlandish crazy circumstances there would have to be that would make me run again But it would have to be pretty an out there scenario.
Let's put it that way.
Okay out there scenario like what Mitt?
Oh, I don't know something crazy crazy like what?
Like if all the popular Republican governors running for president were to be I don't know say they were all under federal investigation or indicted or something totally far-fetched like that.
Hey Mitt, you know that that's what's happening right now, buddy.
That's happening actually happening right now.
Oh, huh?
What's this now?
Yeah.
Yes, that's happening.
Come again?
Yeah.
What I'm telling you right now.
Well, for instance, let's just start at the top.
Rick Perry's been indicted.
You know about that.
Oh, yeah.
So he is.
Hey, he's not gay, right?
Yeah, no, he's not funny when you say that.
It's not funny at all.
It is to me.
Okay.
It's not funny when you say that.
It's not funny at all.
Mitt makes everything funny.
Yeah, no, well, that's not funny, Mitt.
But listen, now let's talk about governor from Virginia, McConnell, right?
Bob McDonald.
Is that how you say it?
McDonald's.
He was forced.
It's so bad that he was forced.
Him and his wife had to force it.
They hated each other so much that they didn't talk to each other.
And that proved that they couldn't collude in getting bribes taken.
So that's how bad it's gotten for him.
I mean, that guy, he's it's so he's he's that a lot looking good for him, right?
Hey, that guy looks like a nice white Republican, but something about him I don't like.
Like, what is it that gives you?
He gives me the creeps.
Really?
Why?
Why does it give you the creeps?
Probably because he was poor.
He's the governor of Virginia, and you're telling me he's poor.
What do you mean he's poor?
Oh, he didn't look it, which is nice.
And why we let him to be a Republican.
Why?
Because he didn't look poor, but how is he poor?
But think about it, Jimmy.
He was so poor that he had to take just so he could have a nice watch and fly in jets and stuff.
He had to take bribes so he can fly in jets and have watches and stuff.
What a loser.
What, what?
You'd never catch me taking a bribe.
Why?
Because you're not corrupt.
No, I'm already super rich from bankrupting companies and ruining people's lives.
I don't think bribes, Jimmy.
I make bribes.
That's the Republican way.
And how about Governor Walker up in Wisconsin?
He's under investigation.
Well, I'll be.
Yeah, and what about Chris Christie?
He's under investigation, you know, with all his troubles.
I mean, everybody seems to be under investigation.
What a crazy circumstance that's developed here.
Yeah, yes, yes, Mitt.
I just need to find someone to kill Paul Ryan, and we're good to go.
What did you just say?
Gotta go, Jimmy.
The dog is diary again, so I'm gonna drive on the freeway with him on top of my car and literally scare the shit out of him.
Why are you telling me this?
Just wanted to remind you what a complete fucking asshole I am.
Take care, Jimmy, and see you on the campaign trail, sweetleaf.
Okay.
Okay, Mitt Romney, everybody.
Okay, I hope you enjoyed.
I look back as much as I enjoyed putting it together because I certainly did.
You can't believe all the stuff I listened to without putting it in the show.
I must listen to enough to fill up eight shows.
We did a whole thing on Melissa Harris-Perry earlier in the year.
I don't think we ever dropped it.
But when I listened to the whole thing, it was like 35 minutes long, and I loved it.
And I was like, did we ever even play that the first time?
Anyway, maybe I should just drop that anyway.
I can't remember if we ever played that.
Anyway, and then it's funny.
I went to lunch with this artist, and she said how much she likes Melissa Harris-Perry.
And I had just gotten done listening to me go crazy about how I think Melissa Harris-Perry is undermining liberal agenda, which she is.
Okay, and she's Melissa Harris-Perry, fake progressive.
She's another one of those fake progressives.
She's not, really.
She's against Edward Snowden.
Remember that?
I think I did talk about that on the show.
Oh, anyway, so let's move on.
Hey, thanks, everybody who is a premium member.
If you'd like to become a premium member, you go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You click on premium, you make your donation, and then you become a premium member and a great person.
You're helping support the show.
You're doing the right thing.
Plus, you get access to all the great kick-ass stuff.
We do.
We dropped an hour-long premium episode just a week ago.
So that happens quite often.
So you get a lot of extra stuff.
Thanks, Jeff.
That's a great way to help support the show, okay?
And then, of course, the Amazon.
There you go.
Those are two big ways.
Okay, that's it.
By the way, the 24th of January, we are starting.
We probably have more than enough audience members, but we're going to do more live shows in front of cameras at the Culver City Studio, TV Studio.
And if you'd like to come see one of those shows, send me an email at my old-timey email, jimmydoer at earthlink.net.
Or you can give us a call at 323-375-4170.
Okay.
And if you go, wow, that number went by real fast.
You can just rewind it because you're listening to it as a podcast.
Okay.
All right.
My big thanks.
It's such a pleasure to work with everybody on the show.
And Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasimura, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zemarano, Edward Umanya, Ben Mankowitz, Steve Rosenfield, Jim Earl, everybody who contributes to the show.
Our good friend Paul Kozlowski, who did the hilarious Benghazi fake commercial, and he's done many others that he's just so gifted.
And I'm just, I'm real lucky to work with these people.
And that's my New Year's wish is that I get to keep working with people just like them, or maybe even them exactly.
Okay, so onwards and upwards, bigger and better things in 2015.
It's the year of the underdog 2015.
I was at the Rose Bowl and I was there with people who went to Florida State.
So it was Florida State against Oregon.
And it was close until the third quarter.
And then they ended up losing by 30 points.
It was like a blowout.
And I kept saying, so you're the underdog.
Don't worry.
You're the underdog.
So I'm just going to keep saying that anyway.
You're the underdog, baby.
Okay.
Thanks, everybody who helped support the show.
Thanks for listening.
And if you can't make a donation, please spread the word.
Tell somebody about the show.
All right.
That's it for this week.
Big thanks to Mike McRae for lending his talents to the show.
Also, Sean James, our good buddy who makes sure my computer runs right.
And you can reach him.
If you have a problem with your Macintosh, he'll fix it for you right over the internet.
It's amazing.
You send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
All right, that's it for this week.
Happy New Year.
What's that?
Oh, by the way, my wife just reminded me, big thanks to Patton Oswald for giving us the, he put us in his top 10 favorite podcasts of this year.
Isn't that fantastic?
He didn't have to do that, which makes me think he really means it.
So that's like it's a real compliment.
So that was nice.
And thank you for thank you.
I'm glad he listens.
Makes me feel good.
Okay.
All right, that's it for this week.
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