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Dec. 26, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:00:36
20141226_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_12-26-14
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Hey, if you've had enough for your family, come hear me tell jokes about my family and everything that's going on in the world tonight and tomorrow, December 26th and 27th.
I'm doing my stand-up back at the Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California.
There's a link.
There's a discounted ticket link.
Half-price tickets available over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
See you tonight and tomorrow at Flappers in Burbank, California.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore show.
We asked Mel Gibson what his holiday wishes were, and he left me a message.
Hey, what a long one for Christmas.
Well, first of all, I'd be locked in my chapel for 24 hours straight, celebrating the mass of Christ's birth, like the traditional Catholic I am.
And then I wish peace for the whole world and for everyone to remember the Christmas story of the slaughter of the innocents.
Where the Jewish King Herod ordered all the children murdered like a Jew.
We've forgotten about that.
It's the most important part of Christmas.
When I celebrate Christmas, that's why I celebrate the slaughter of the innocents because it's about how a Jew murdered children.
Mark, they do.
I'd also like a new wife with strong, sturdy haunches and strong bones so I can punch a teeth and let them fall out.
But built for beating and how a strong brisket walks with a womanly gait.
You know, a woman.
Anyway, all the best to you and yours.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...up-minded, lowly-lovered lapdies...
The kind of people that are combined maybe on Tearing Down our Nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show, our special Christmas show.
We got some fresh jokes for you.
We're going to have some phone, old plat pass phone calls mixed in.
But right now, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
I'm joined by nobody this week because everybody's got Christmas off except me.
Okay.
So let's, by the way, it's so annoying that Christmas 2015, Christmas 2015 is a full year away.
Yet I'm already seeing holiday decorations all over town.
Get it?
Yes, I think you do.
So by the way, there are a lot of storms this week, all kinds of storms that were making holiday travel a nightmare for people.
And I just have one question.
God, why do you hate Christmas?
Did you hear about the zombie-themed nativity scene in Ohio that's angering a lot of Christians?
Yes, that's right.
My question is: why is a zombie-themed nativity scene in Ohio angering followers of a religion led by a guy who died and came back from the dead?
You can't, that's already funny.
And remember, hey, by the way, remember yesterday when the movie The Interview was the most banned film ever?
Now it's easier to see than a law and order rerun.
That's right, because you can see it on YouTube.
Did you know this?
Yes, you can.
By the way, in the wake of the interview release, a trailer for the Entourage movie is here, reminding us all that freedom has its price.
Hey, this week, Dick Cheney was visited in his sleep by three ghosts who showed him the crimes against humanity that he's committed.
He woke up refreshed and having a good night's sleep.
Did you hear the prosecutor in the Ferguson, the Michael Brown, Darren Wilson?
You know, he shot an unarmed kid six times because he was scared.
The prosecutor in that case admitted that he knew witnesses lied to the grand jury, but he presented them anyway.
But he has a great explanation.
He said, Yeah, I really suck at this.
I guess that's as good as anything.
And if you hear the NYPD union boss, after those two cops got tragically killed in New York City, he was blaming, he blamed the cops' death on Eric Garner protesters, which really makes me question their cops' ability to investigate a murder.
And by the way, to all the right-wingers out there, remember when Clive and Bundy was your hero when he resisted law enforcement?
So please shut the fuck up about people not supporting cops.
Rush Schlimbaugh, Rush Slimbaugh, said this week he doesn't like the idea of a black James Bond.
Doesn't like the idea of a black James Bond.
Hey, guess what?
I don't like the idea of a white racist tub of shit radio host.
How about that?
And I don't know if you've heard what Giuliani has had to say lately about the two shooting, the shootings of the two police officers.
Blames Obama, blames, you know, Rudolph Giuliani is so racist, he should change his name to Donald Trump.
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
Well, we're going to have, we're going to talk about the real origin of Christmas.
Nobody, I, no one has really broken it down like this, so we're going to break it.
We broke it down for you in 2013, and I hadn't heard it since then.
I listened to it again today, and I was like, I forgot all this stuff.
So we're going to give it to you again, the real history of where Christmas comes from.
And it might just blow your mind because it blew my mind.
And I already knew this stuff.
And then we're going to give you the real history of Santa Claus.
That's right, where Santa Claus came from, when he first made his appearance on the scene, why he wears red, why he's fat and looks jolly.
All that's coming up.
Plus, we've got some torture news that is unfinished business.
And, you know, Frank Conniff and crew laid down some gems and, you know, some comedic gems and some pretty insightful stuff.
So that's coming up today.
Plus, we're going to have phone calls of people who called in for Christmas last year and the year before, right?
We didn't get any fresh calls this year.
My phone machine was broken.
So yeah, I know.
Can you believe it?
I had power outage, whatever.
So I'm sure a lot of people call, but you heard Mel Gibson at the top of the show.
We're going to have a lot more celebrities calling with their Christmas wishes from last year and the year before.
All right.
So that's coming up and a lot more.
That's today.
I'm joined by no one today on the Jimmy Torf Show.
you So people don't know the origin of Christmas, but I do, because I'm smart.
And I looked it up.
So here.
Did you Google it?
I did Google it.
Did you know that, first of all, Christmas became celebrated on December 25th?
You know, it's actually a pagan holiday.
It was called Satumalia.
Satumal, if I'm pronouncing that correctly.
That's some of my favorite kind of weed, isn't that?
Satumalia.
Satumala, it was the ancient Roman seven-day festival of Saturn, which began on December 17th.
And it was a celebration marked by unrestrained, that's very key here, unrestrained revelry and often licentiousness.
Licentiousness.
What is that?
Licentiousness.
Licentiousness.
That's called fucking.
Yes.
And then it's a semicolon, and it says an orgy.
Okay, so that's...
So that's how Christmas started.
It certainly would be very happy holidays.
It was a sex festival.
Even during the Victorian era, it had a naughtiness to it.
Yes.
Yes, it did.
That's why they banned it in Massachusetts for a number of years.
They were pilgrims because it was considered.
The Puritans did not like Christmas.
They thought Christmas was dirty.
It was dirty.
It was known as the one time of year fat guys could get laid.
Well, actually, one of the traditions of Christmas in England was that the wealthy and their servants would trade places.
And so you could order, if you're a servant, you could order around your master for the kinky.
So here are some of the, here are some of the festivals, observations, observance in the time of the Greek poet Lucian, right?
He said, in addition to human sacrifice, which they would have on this festival, they also had widespread intoxication, going from house to house while singing naked, which was how Carolers got started.
This is true.
They would go to house to house singing naked while drunk, and then they would rape, and then they would have other sexual lies, is how you say it?
Licentiousness.
Licentiousness, right?
And then they would consume human-shaped biscuits, still produced in some English and most German bakeries during the Christmas season.
And then after that, things got weird.
And so in the fourth century, in the fourth century, Christianity co-opted this festival of Satumalia in hoping to get pagans to become Christians, right?
So they decided to start celebrating this.
And Christian leaders succeeded in converting to Christianity large numbers of pagans by promising them that they could still celebrate Satumalia as Christians.
So that's how they got these pagans to become Christians.
The problem was that there was nothing intrinsically Christian about Satumalia.
So to remedy this, the Christian leaders named Satamalia's concluding day, September 25th, to be Jesus' birthday.
They just made it up.
Right.
Wow.
It's generally believed that Jesus was born probably in the spring, actually.
Uh-huh.
That makes a little more sense.
Jesus hated it because nothing is worse than when your birthday is on the same day as Christmas.
You don't get as many presents.
So the earliest Christmas holidays were celebrated by drinking, sexual indulgence, singing naked in the streets.
So that's how that's how Christmas got started.
But even in northern Europe, where it was the solstice festival, again, it was a lot of drinking and stuff because it's the end of that food.
You know, it's everybody basically like having the last of the harvest food and hunkering down for the next couple of months.
So here's this thing about what happened in Massachusetts.
So the Reverend, this guy's name is Increase Mather.
That's his name, Increase is his first name.
The Reverend Increase Mather of Boston observed in 1687 that the yearly Christians who first observed the Nativity on December 25th did not do so thinking that Christ was born in that month, but because the heathens Satamalia Festival was at the time kept in Rome, and they were willing to have those pagan holidays metamorphosized into Christian ones.
Because of its known pagan origin, Christmas was banned by the Puritans and its observance was illegal in Massachusetts between 1659 and 1681.
However, Christmas was still celebrated by most Christians.
Some of the most depraved customs of Satomalia's carnival were intentionally revived by the Catholic Church in 1466 when Pope Paul II, for the amusement of his Roman citizens, forced Jews to race naked through the streets of the city.
An eyewitness account reports, quote, before they were to run, the Jews were richly fed so as to make the race more difficult for them and at the same time more amusing for the spectators.
They ran amid Rome's taunting shrieks and pearls of laughter while the Holy Father stood upon a richly ornamented balcony and laughed heartily.
Good times.
But then they changed it, though.
They fed them afterwards and they told them at the end of their run there was a Chinese restaurant.
So it all worked out.
That made them run very fast.
So then in the 18th and 19th centuries, rabbis of the ghetto in Rome were forced to wear clownish outfits and march through the city streets to the jeers of the crowd, pelted by a variety of missiles.
I'm guessing just stuff thrown at people.
And when the Jewish community of Rome sent a petition in 1836 to Pope Gregory the 16th begging him to stop the annual Satamalia abuse of the Jewish community, he responded by saying, quote, it is not opportune to make any innovations.
So on December 25th, 1881, Christian leaders whipped the Polish masses into anti-Semitic frenzies that led to riots across the country.
And in Warsaw, 12 Jews were brutally murdered.
Huge numbers were maimed, and many Jewish women were raped.
Two million rubles worth of property were destroyed.
That's all in the name of Christmas.
So that's how Christmas got started.
This is in the 18th century.
Is there anything you can't do?
So this is in the 18th and 19th century.
So that's the origin of Christmas, Megan Kelly.
Okay, just so you know.
It was a big orgy.
Santa Claus was still white, right?
Okay, so you want to know how Santa Claus got started?
So Saint Nicholas was born in Parara, Turkey in 270 and later became the bishop of Myra.
He died in the year 345 on December 6th.
He was only named a saint in the 19th century, even though he died in 346.
So Nick...
Yes.
No kidding.
So Nicholas was among the most senior bishops who convened the Council of Nicaea in 325 and created the New Testament.
The text they produced portrayed Jews as the children of the devil who sentenced Jesus to death.
So this is Saint Nicholas.
All right.
So in 1087, a group of sailors who idolized Saint Nicholas moved his bones from Turkey to a sanctuary in Italy.
There, Nicholas supplanted a female boon-giving deity called the grandmother or Pasqua Epiphania, who used to fill the children's stocking with their gifts.
So they got rid of her and they just started to give all these traits to this guy, St. Nick.
Because you couldn't say her name.
Couldn't say her name.
The grandmother was ousted from her shrine at Bari, which became the center of Nicholas's cult.
Members of his group gave each other gifts during a pageant they conducted annually on the anniversary of Nicholas's death on December 6th.
The Nicholas cult spread north until it was adopted by the Germans and the Celtic pagans.
These groups worship a pantheon led by Woden, their chief god and the father of Thor.
So this is how...
So Woodin, so this guy, so Wudin or Waden.
It's Odin.
You don't pronounce the W?
Odin?
Okay, so Odin had a long white beard and rode a horse through the heavens one evening each autumn.
When St. Nicholas merged with Odin, he shed the Mediterranean appearance, meaning it's no longer dark, grew a beard, mounted a flying horse, rescheduled his flight from autumn to December, and donned heavy winter clothing.
So in a bid for pagan adherents in Northern Europe, the Catholic Church adopted the Nicholas cult and taught that he did distribute gifts on December 25th instead of December 6th.
So this is how Santa Claus got started.
So in 1809, the novelist Washington Irving, who's most famous for the legend of Sleepy Hollow, wrote a satire of Dutch culture entitled Knickerbocker History.
The satire refers to several times to be the white-bearded flying horse writing St. Nicholas used in his Dutch name, Santa Claus.
So this in 1809 is how Santa Claus really got started.
So he wrote this thing, and then Dr. Clement Moore, a professor at Union Seminary, read the Knickerbocker history, and in 1822, he published a poem based on the character Santa Claus, T'was the Night Before Christmas.
So that happened in 1822.
1823 was the first parody of the night before.
So then the Bavarian illustrator Thomas Nash almost completed the modern picture of Santa Claus.
From 1862 to 1886, based on that poem, Nas drew more than 2,000 cartoon images of Santa for Harper's Weekly.
Before NAS, St. Nicholas had been pictured as everything from a stern-looking bishop to a gnome-like figure in a frock.
But Nas also gave Santa a home at the North Pole, his workshop filled with elves, and his list of good and bad children of the world.
All Santa was missing was the red outfit.
So that came from this illustrator, Thomas Nass, in 1862.
He made up pretty much Santa, right?
Wow.
He should be getting, his family should be getting royalty.
He should be getting, but then, guess what?
As Robert mentioned last week, in 1931, the Coca-Cola Corporation contracted the Swedish commercial artist, Haddon Sundblom, to create a Coca-Cola drinking Santa.
And this guy, this artist Sundblom, modeled his Santa on his friend Lou Prentence, chosen for his cheerful, chubby face.
The corporation insisted that Santa's fur-trimmed suit be bright Coca-Cola red.
And Santa Claus was born, a blend of Christian crusader, pagan God, and a Coca-Cola commercial idol.
So when Santa has a red coat, it's because of Coca-Cola.
It has nothing to do with anything.
This completely invented thing, Santa Claus.
I actually, the subtler thing that's interesting about this is when people are always like, Santa, this, it's like, do you understand that the idea of Santa Claus is cultish?
It's the worst form of idolatry that is condemned in the New Testament and the Old Testament.
Yes.
Like it's at the point that there was a cult of St. Nicholas.
It was very common.
There were cults all the time at that point in the ancient world.
And that's exactly what Christianity and Judaism were fighting against, were these weird splinter cults.
Yes.
And so for them to say, well, Santa Claus is part of the, is this sacred part of the canon.
No, it couldn't be further.
It's actually seditious to the canon.
I agree.
Yes.
So again, as a lot of things in life, what's come to be accepted as a truism in modern or in mainstream culture, the exact opposite would be true, especially when things are surrounding religion.
You know, they say on the first day God created man or grad, or they say God created man in his own likeness and image, when we all know anybody who's thinking, rational, and not completely devoted to fantasy knows that the reverse happened, that God didn't invent man in his own likeness and image.
Man created God in his own likeness and image.
And that's why God has a beard and looks like Santa.
So am I supposed to give Coca-Cola to my friends this Christmas?
So the exact opposite could do worse.
I love Coca-Cola.
It's awful.
You like Mexican Coca-Cola, friends.
Are you trying to tell me that there's no Santa Claus?
I'm trying to tell you.
There's no Santa Claus.
All right.
That's it.
That's all our show.
We're all done.
What do you got to say, Frank?
Go ahead.
I don't know if you could fit this, but this is an absolutely true story.
When I was a kid and I believed in Santa Claus, this friend of mine, I guess I was five years old, said he told me there was no Santa Claus.
And he said, Frank, when you get older and as you're going off to college, your parents are going to tell you there's no Santa Claus.
As you go off to college, your parents.
Well, that was before the internet.
That's how it works for me.
That was before the internet.
It's all about making mistakes.
Sometimes we all make mistakes.
Sometimes we catch the real tough breaks.
But here's a trick that I've been working on.
Just say oops and move on.
Ran out of gas.
Or maybe you stepped on broken glass.
Or tweeted your boner to a college girl.
Just say oops and move on.
Or maybe you're a movie star and you end up at a bar.
Next thing you know, you're getting blackout drunk and saying stuff about Jews.
Don't you even sweat it, have a gin and tonic, and just try to forget it because it's all good.
You know, the press can be a bitch sometimes.
Just say oops and move on.
Sometimes there's nothing else to do, besides, there might be people chasing you because you sold them a bunch of worthless stocks for 20 billion bucks.
Just say oops.
There's supposed to be something here.
Here we go.
Or spilled a hundred million gallons of oil and fucked up the world.
Don't you get morose.
Take a weekend yacht trip off the English coast because it's all good.
You know that life can be a bitch sometimes.
Just say oops and move on.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
You know, most of the people who listen to this show and listen to KPFK have a great sense of humor and they appreciate satire and they get satire.
But then there's a group of people, I'm not sure how big or how small, small, I'm going to say small, that don't get comedy and they don't get satire at all.
They're the people who think Carol O'Connor is a horrible person for all the stuff he said on Archie Bunker.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, the kind of person I'm talking about.
Anyway, I went through the archives here at KPFK because they keep everything, every program that's made.
It's in the KPFK archives.
And I went back and I was listening to some of the complaints that they've gotten from some because they've tried comedy.
I've done comedy here before on KPFK before the Jimmy Doer show.
And they've got quite a number of complaints.
So here are some of the complaints that I dug up from years past here at KPFK.
Please enjoy.
Yes.
Hello.
I would let you complain about something I heard on the radio there.
You had a gentleman on, a so-called comedian named Henny Youngaman.
I'm sure you're familiar.
Well, I was extremely offended by his act.
At one point, he literally implored the crowd, the audience too close, take his away.
There's some sort of property or shadow that can just be passed off to disinterested, drunken comedy club people, like in the Middle Ages.
I was deeply and very deeply uphurt about this.
It takes women's rights back for so many years.
It just, it's a reminder of a dark time, and it's very disgusting that you, a radio station that I associate with a progressive view of the world, would have the barbarian on to tell his quote-unquote one-liner.
Okay, that was an old complaint that you lefty.
The lefties, they're not good with the comedy.
They don't get it.
I got another complaint.
Oh, really?
Did you ever hear this one?
This is another complaint I got, right?
Yes.
Hello.
I'm a member of the KPFK Film Club.
And we recently went upon KPFK's recommendation to go see a Marks Brothers movie called A Day at the Races.
Perhaps you're familiar with it.
Well, I have never been more offended by a movie in my entire life.
My first cousin, once removed, is mute.
Okay.
So I know people in my family who are unable to talk.
And unlike this Harpo Marx character in the movie, people who suffer from this disability have a real dignity and integrity and souls, just like everyone else.
They do not run around honking a horn, okay, and involve themselves in scams and chase women indiscriminately.
And they certainly don't have curly hair.
Okay.
I was so offended by this film.
I can't even, I can't even.
Oh, I'm just, oh.
And not to mention the brutality of horse racing itself.
What an unnecessary thing.
I was very offended.
But the only saving grace for this film was when they got in blackface and did the Mammy songs.
I really enjoyed that little sequence.
That was fun.
Anyway, I'm still angry.
Goodbye.
Bye.
No!
you you you Okay.
I hope you enjoyed the, you know, that character.
That's her.
That's based on real people.
You wouldn't believe the complaints, the outrageously moronic complaints that some people have about the comedy that go on the show.
Most people love it.
Hey, by the way, thanks to everybody who came out to support KPFK at the big fundraiser we had with all the great jazz people playing.
And I did a set on that show.
That was at the Catalina Club last week, last Saturday.
So that was fantastic.
And everybody got the comedy there.
People applauding, laughing, stamping their feet.
That was a great show.
Thanks, everybody who came out and helped support KPFK.
I got to see a great show.
And yeah, so there you go.
So I don't actually meet these people.
I meet them sometimes.
But these are people who call in and they just don't get comedy.
But no one thinks they don't.
Everyone thinks they get, that's the beauty or the most annoying thing.
No one ever says, you know, I don't get comedy.
No one ever, people go, I know what's funny and that's not fun.
That's what people say.
And of course, of course, they don't.
They have no idea.
Especially when it comes to satire.
I remember one time someone got mad.
They said, I heard Bill O'Reilly call a woman a dirty name and everyone laughed.
Yeah, that's because we're laughing at Bill O'Reilly.
Just like people laugh at Homer Simpson when he says something stupid and someone laughs at Archie Bunker when he said something stupid.
That's called satire.
Anyway, so it's, I don't need to explain it To the people who already love this show, they already get it.
But there's always some people, and thank God there's those people because then we get to make fun of them too.
And it's fun.
You just heard how funny it was.
All right, so we got a lot coming up in the second half of the special Christmas show.
And what's coming up?
Well, torture.
We got some stuff to say about it.
Plus, Herman Kane gives us his Christmas wishes.
And there's a lot lot more that's coming up on the second half of the Jimmy Door show.
But right now, we're up against a break.
We'll be right back in one minute.
This is the Jimmy Door Show on KPFK Pacifica.
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Okay, let's get back to the show.
Hey, welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show on this special Christmas episode.
We're going to get to a breakdown of the CIA Brennan's speech about torture.
We're going to break that down and some other stuff.
Frank Connoff has some gems to lay on us about that and some great insight also.
We're going to have Herman Kane call in with his Christmas wishes.
Right now, do you remember Bill O'Reilly?
He was famously arguing with an atheist.
And the way he knew there was a God was he said this.
Tide goes in, tide goes out.
Never a miscommunication.
You can't explain that.
You can explain why the tide goes in.
Tide goes in, tide goes out.
See the water, the tide comes in and it goes out, Mr. Silver.
Maybe it always comes in.
On top of Mount Olympus, who's making the tides go in and out.
No, no, but you can't explain a myth of the same religion are the same thing.
It doesn't matter if I can explain it.
It doesn't.
That doesn't mean that Invisible Magic Man in the Sky is doing it.
And you're free to believe that.
Okay, so I don't know why I wanted to play this today, but I wanted to play this.
Here's Bill O'Reilly when he called in to talk about us making fun of that.
Fun of him for that.
Here's the phone call for Bill.
Maybe it's because it's a little Christmas treat, right?
Because Christmas is all based on God and Jesus.
And maybe that's why I want to play it.
Anyway, it's just fun.
So here's Bill's phone call.
Thor, this is Bill O'Reilly.
I just got a call from Fox Security telling me that you and the tinheads on your show are laughing it up because I know that even if the moon controls the tides, God still had to make the moon.
Sorry, pal.
No other possible explanation for it.
End of story.
So you left-wing elitists can suck on that for a while.
No other explanation for the moon.
Had to be got.
Now, if any of the socialist wounds in your audience change their minds and want the truth about stuff like this, I suggest they purchase a premium membership to billoilly.com, which is $49.95, gets you a full year's membership and includes great features like members-only message boards, full access to the Radio Factor archive, and the new factor Loofer, the latest offering in the bed and bath section of the O'Reilly online store.
Go to billoreilly.com and join today.
And God made the moon.
Beep.
Door, it's O'Reilly again.
So now I hear all the left-wing wounds going on about this prevailing theory that the moon formed as a result of a giant impact between a Mars-sized body and the newly formed proto-Earth.
Well, let me ask you this: Were you there?
No.
So how do you and your pinhead scientists' friends know?
The answer, you don't.
So do me a favor and quit spouting off about the moon all the time.
If you want to turn your life around, you ought to get in on this premium membership deal we got going over on billo riley.com.
You buy a full year's membership for $49.95.
You get daily analysis of news stories in no spin zone.
My radio talking points memo online and the official Bill O'Reilly home enema kit.
It comes with the nozzle, the hose, everything you need.
And an instruction manual featuring pictures of me demonstrating all the recommended positions for proper deployment.
So send your pinhead listeners over to billo riley.com today.
And don't try to tell me about some explosion that made the moon.
Door, O'Reilly.
Apparently, you pinheads still haven't gotten a message.
Still clinging to that ridiculous science theory that the moon is the result of some big explosion.
You got to be a real coop to believe that.
At some point, you're going to have to accept the truth that anything I don't have first-hand knowledge of has to be the work of God.
The moon?
That's God.
The sun?
Also, God.
Where does all the snow go when winter's over?
God takes it.
Why is there always one sock missing when you do laundry?
Because of God.
Why haven't more of the lame brains and your audience bought themselves premium memberships to billo riley.com?
Only God knows.
For just $49.95 a year, they get exclusive photos of yours, truly.
Weekly backstage webcasts.
And for a limited time only, I will personally record the outgoing voicemail message.
And fuck it, I'll do it live.
So just to sum up, moon, sun, snow, socks.
That's all God.
BillO'Reilly.com.
Okay, did you enjoy that trip down memory lane from Bill O'Reilly?
Okay, coming up in just a bit, we're going to get to our breakdown of some of the stuff Brennan was saying, the head of the CIA, was saying about the torture report.
Plus, Herman Kane calls in with his Christmas wish coming up in just a little bit.
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Okay, so CIA Chief Brennan gave a speech last, was it Friday about whatever day it was last week?
And he was acknowledging that some stuff had gone down.
He didn't say torture.
He didn't even refer to it as enhanced interrogation techniques.
He kept calling it EITs, which I think that's the new test you take to get into college.
And it was, could you be more Orwellian?
And the guy, by the way, they should all be in prison, right?
They said, so here, let's just play a little bit of it.
And here he is acknowledging his mistakes.
Office of the Inspector General found fault in CIA's running of the program.
Found fault.
Can you underplay it a little bit more?
Yes.
And Hitler had a temper.
He really got upset when he was hungry.
You got to stay away from him.
Hitler overreacted to his art career not going.
Yes, yes.
Okay, here we go.
We have acknowledged many of these mistakes in our response to the study last year.
Mistakes.
So he's calling rectal rehydration, drowning and beating with a truncheon-like object and threatening rape of someone's mother as a mistake.
You know, forgetting to carry the one is a mistake.
Okay, ordering torture and carrying it out, those are called war crimes.
That's not a mistake.
Okay.
You remember the mistake the Japanese made when they bombed Pearl Harbor?
It turned out to be a mistake.
They lost the war.
They did lose the war.
You remember the mistake that Hitler made when he burned six million Jews alive?
Remember that?
Those are mistakes.
That was just a mistake.
What he meant to do was put him in a comfy bed and tuck him in.
Those were mistakes.
He keeps going.
And I will touch on some of them today.
Acknowledging our mistakes and absorbing the lessons of the past is fundamental to our ability to succeed in our mission and is one of the great strengths of this organization.
Okay, if that's one of your great strengths, then I'm going to guess Barney Five could arm wrestle you, okay?
Because you guys have no strength in doing that.
Again, he said, okay, keep going.
Even today, we know there are further organizational improvements to be made as a result of our review of the study, and we are pursuing them.
Yeah, oh, they're going to pursue them.
What?
They're going to pursue them.
But you're not going to pursue the guys who carried out torture or ordered it, right?
You're not going to pursue those people.
Is this correct, right?
Am I getting this right from?
Okay.
Hang on.
You can just end torture.
You don't have to pursue anything.
Yeah, yes.
Say, okay, we're not torturing people anymore.
Yeah.
Okay.
He went on.
Yeah, exactly.
But he didn't say that.
Here we go.
The record simply does not support the study's inference that the agency repeatedly, systematically and intentionally misled others on the effectiveness of the program.
So they didn't lie about that it really worked.
They're saying that it did.
That's what he's saying right now.
The report says...
Well, from what I've heard, it was very effective at getting the wrong people killed.
Yes, it was at least...
Those people ended up dying in the torture chambers and they were innocent.
Yes, this is correct.
You are correct, Frank.
Yes.
So what would happen was they, you can turn your mic up.
So when they would torture people, the people being tortured would say, oh, yeah, this guy's also bad.
He's with Al-Qaeda.
He's trying to, he's plotting against the United States.
They'd go get that guy.
That guy had nothing to do with anything.
And then they'd start torturing that guy.
Start torture.
I don't know if I'm being tortured and I just want it to end.
I'm going to be like, Jimmy Dore did it.
Go get it.
And by the way, I was reading up on Abu Ghraib, and way worse than we were ever, I mean, that I ever thought.
They literally, there was a women's wing in the prison.
They were literally raping women.
They were raping them, like not with a plunger or a stick, but raping them with their bodies.
In fact, one woman got pregnant that we know about, got pregnant from being raped at Abu Ghraib.
And wasn't that one of the big reasons why we were supposed to go into Iraq to liberate the people from Saddam Hussein's rape rooms?
Yes.
They turned the rape rooms into an entire rape building.
Yes.
They turned it into, here we go, more from CIA Chief Brennan.
And by the way, you can't see this on the show, but his body language, if there was ever a guy's body screaming out, I'm fucking lying, it would be this guy's body.
Everything about this guy, it couldn't be more.
Anyway.
To be clear, there were instances where representations about the program that were used or approved by agency officers were inaccurate, imprecise, or fell short of our tradecraft standards.
Oh, that doesn't sound so bad.
No, no.
It was representations of the program that was the problem.
Yeah, it's the misrepresentation.
Go ahead, Frank.
The word tradecraft makes me think that it was artisan torture.
Yes, it was artisan torture.
I like that he says that we were, our representation was imprecise.
Yeah.
I mean, this whole thing is like, as if George Orwell himself wrote this guy's speech.
Exactly, yeah.
We weren't lying.
We misrepresented it in an imprecise way that didn't really meet the standards of our tradecraft of torturing.
By the way, that's all the CIA does.
Anyway, here we go.
A little bit more.
We have acknowledged such mistakes.
Okay, again, they're not mistakes.
Those are called war crimes that you knowingly, consciously carried out, and then you covered them up, and you're still doing it.
I have been firm in declaring that they were unacceptable for an agency whose reputation and value to the policymaker rests on the precision of the language it uses every day in intelligence reporting and analysis.
So he's talking about Yes, they're saying, again, they're not going to go after anybody.
No one's going to be held accountable.
No one will go to prison.
And I love how he says that, you know, the reputation.
Let's hear it one more time because he talks about how important it is for the CIA to have a good reputation.
It's unacceptable for an agency whose reputation and value to the policymaker rests on the precision of the language it uses.
And he couldn't be using less precise words right now.
I know, I know.
That's what I was just thinking.
Right in the middle.
Nothing he said.
I think he's rather poetic.
Right in the middle of whitewashing war crimes and torture, the worst kind of torture and the worst kind of war crimes, right in the middle of it, he's like, hey, you know, our reputation has been damaged because we haven't been precise.
And it's like, by the way, the CIA's, I don't know how any, I don't know what you think of the CIA, but the CIA's reputation, with me, has always been lying criminals willing to do anything nefarious, right?
They're just like a notch above Manson.
I mean, the CIA doesn't have a reputation.
They have a reputation for being dirty, cheating guys.
You don't want to get around.
Am I wrong about this?
There were hearings in the 70s led by Senator Frank Church that was supposed to reform the CIA and the country was behind that.
But then when 9-11 happened, the attitude was, let's just let the CIA do whatever they want to do because we need to be safe.
Yeah, that's exactly right.
So here's what John McCain.
So John McCain went on Sunday afternoon.
He was on with Bob Schieffer, who, by the way, Bob Schaefer, just as bad as all the rest of them.
He's just as bad as Brian Williams, as David Gregory, as Joe.
He's almost as bad as Joe Scarborough.
But here we go.
Go ahead.
But he's bad in a folksy way.
Yeah, he's bad.
He's not like a grandpa.
Yeah, like a Grampy.
Hey, look at my Grampy.
There were violations of the Geneva Conventions for the Treatment of Prisoners.
There were violations of the Convention Against Torture, which Ronald Reagan was the primary signatory of.
And I think in retrospect, some of these practices fly in the face of everything that America values and stands for.
So there you go.
I mean, there's a guy who was tortured for four years who actually put on the uniform and went and got some stuff done.
You know, by getting stuff done, I mean crashing planes left and right.
But he was tortured.
I mean, there's a guy.
I mean, and look at him.
And good for him.
I mean, he will sell out a lot.
I mean, he proved how much he will sell out this country for his own personal gain, but he still won't do this.
He won't.
But also, and, you know, it's not written about much.
And when I bring this up, it's nothing against him, against John McCain.
But he did sign a confession when he was under torture.
Yes.
Confess the things, which he didn't want to do, but he did it because he was being tortured.
Yes.
He wanted them to stop torturing him, so he did what he needed to do to get them to stop torturing him.
And no one holds that against him.
But that's why, you know, he gave the Vietnamese false information.
Yes, and because torture, the point of torture is to break you.
Yeah.
Look, I don't want everyone to be giving McCain too much credit.
I mean, I'm happy that he's saying what he's saying, but don't forget that he's a tremendous warmonger.
And don't forget that.
No, no, I'm just saying on this one issue, Mark.
I did forget it.
Thank you, Mark.
It's strange, you know, Republicans, because they seem to lack a basic sense of empathy, they don't understand anything unless it's happened to them.
Yes.
Now they're against gays until their own kids turn out to be gay.
They're against environmental regulations until their own water gets poisoned.
but since mccain experience the horrors of torture he gets it yeah and they're Yeah, they're against socialized medicine until they're old and sick and go on Medicare.
That's right.
They're against the government until they want to mail something.
Okay, here.
If McCain really wants to stop torture, you stop war from happening.
Oh, look at you.
You're really getting on your high horse.
Okay, here.
Spanish Inquisition.
So where did this come from, this waterboarding?
By the way, I love how they still pretend like waterboarding.
Maybe just sometimes it's a war crime.
Sometimes.
But the way we do it was nice.
I could hear you.
It's not non-traditional.
It depends.
If it's sparkling water, then it's not a crime.
They use Pellegrino.
They wouldn't use tap water.
And tap water has impurities in it.
So here's where did we get all this torture from?
John McCain lets us know.
Spanish Inquisition.
It was done during the Philippines War.
We tried and hung Japanese war criminals for waterboarding Americans in World War II.
So there you go.
So there's no two ways about it.
We tried and hung Japanese people for waterboarding.
This was used in the this is what they used to call the Chinese water torture.
Remember I used to hear that as a kid.
That's what they meant by that.
I didn't know what that.
Yeah, you know, the Bush administration and Cheney have very successfully to this day moved the debate away.
Well, they've created a debate about it.
Whereas before them, it was just torture is wrong.
We're Americans.
We believe torture is wrong.
Now you can watch any like cable news show, not just Fox, but Joe Scarborough and Chuck Todd, and they're having debates about torture now.
So Bush and Cheney have been very successful in what they set out to do.
And I try to remind people that when people are debating whether we should use waterboarding or EITs or enhanced interrogation techniques, what they're saying is, hey, we don't stand for anything anymore, right?
We're no longer the good guys, right?
Because we're scared.
And so let's talk about what kind of war crimes we should commit to keep us safe.
So if we allow us ourselves to commit war crimes and torture people, that means if we're going to be consistent, we have to let everybody else commit war crimes.
That means that there's no such thing anymore as bad behavior.
If you get scared enough, if the guys you're fighting are bad enough, and remember that Nietzsche, let me get the exact Nietzsche quote for you because I have it on my Facebook page.
I know, right?
That's the kind of maniac I am.
So I have, he said, whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process, he does not become a monster himself.
And if you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
So there goes my abyss gazing.
But so here's, so Frank, here's to the point that we've been making.
You made just now, I made at the top of the show.
Here's Chris Matthews, who, by the way, for three days straight, had a thing on his show.
He's the worst offender of what we've just been talking about.
He's the worst offender of this.
Does torture work?
That was like a topic.
That was like his segment topic for a half an hour.
Does torture work?
Not just one day, but multiple days.
He was asking that question.
Does torture work?
You know, again, does baby rape work?
If you rape a baby and it saves someone's life, is it worth it?
I'm sure if someone had to rape a baby to save my life and I had to live the rest of my life going, yeah, well, I'm alive, but that baby got raped, I wouldn't want to kill myself.
Right?
Isn't that the whole point?
That you don't, you're supposed to be, if you can't live proudly, then you should die proudly.
You shouldn't live because of barbarism.
You shouldn't go, yeah, well, at least I'm alive, but we did something that's worse than dying.
There's supposed to be things that are worse than dying.
As a civilized society, if we get attacked, that shouldn't change us.
Because we tell the enemy, we're better than you.
We're not going to compromise our principles because of your violence.
Our principles are more important than you.
Yeah, that's why.
Exactly.
if everyone who was caught stealing had their hands chopped off, I bet you there'd be a lot less stealing going on in the world.
And all of our goods and our possessions would be much safer.
But we don't cut off people's hands for stealing because, as was just said, we're a civilized society, and that's why we shouldn't be torturing people either.
Right, because it defiles our society.
It defially, you know, when you torture someone, you don't only diminish that person, you don't only, what's the word I'm looking for?
Degrade.
You don't only, yes, that's it.
You don't only degrade that person, you degrade yourself.
The torturer doesn't get out of that scot-free.
Neither does the torturer society that condones torture.
So we've lowered the bar, and you know, whatever we do to other people, we eventually do to ourselves.
We tortured our own, we tortured our own soldiers.
We tortured Bradley Manning.
What we did to Jose Padilla was unbelievable what we did to that guy.
So, and look, and now we're just killing black kids in the streets, left and right.
We're going to get to that later.
So, here's society opens the door to torture.
There's no controlling what comes out of it.
When you give sadism and savagery permission, it doesn't stay in the interrogation room.
You eventually will see it in your street.
Herman, how are you?
How are you?
Herbie.
So, Herman, how are you want for Christmas?
I want peace on earth.
Oh, okay.
Goodwill to man.
Yeah.
And a big pile of naked white women in my backyard.
That's the reason for the season.
That's why they call it Christmas.
You go outside and see that big old pile of white women, you say, Crack.
Oh, that's what I want.
I'll for one come and be in your show.
I want to be one of the regular dudes.
Well, you're practically a regular dude.
But I'm always calling in.
I want to be there with, you know, I want to argue with all those liberal dudes on your show.
Okay, well, I got to set everybody straight.
Well, next time you're in Los Angeles, we'll bring you into the studio, no problem.
Good.
I got backed up stuff to say to all those dudes.
Calling me out, and I can't respond.
I was got to talk to you.
Okay, I know.
Okay.
Probably have tomorrow with his motherfucking facts.
See Ross and Fields making everybody depressed right at the beginning of the show.
There ain't no point in life.
All right, now let's begin the radio poetry.
Frank Conniff making jokes I don't understand.
I don't care for that.
I need to get in there.
I've been working on my radio chops.
Oh, I bet.
I got my own show.
All right, Herman.
Well, I hope that your holiday wishes come true.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Pikachu.
Okay, that's it.
That's Herbie K. Thank you.
Hey, I want to remind you one more time.
I'm telling jokes tonight and tomorrow at the Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank.
I'd love for you to come see me.
There's a link for half-price tickets over at JimmyDoorComedy.com for the Jimmy Door show listeners.
JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You spell my last name D-O-R-E.
I'm doing my big stand-up show.
We're going to have some friends drop by.
It's going to be hilarious.
If you've had enough of your family, come hear me tell jokes about my family and all the crazy stuff that's happening in the world.
That's tonight and tomorrow, December 26th and 27th at the Flappers Comedy Club, which is right there in Burbank on Magnolia.
Also, January 24th, we're going to do our live show in front of TV cameras at the Young Turk Studios in Culver City.
If you are interested in being part of one of our live studio audiences, send me an email at my old-timey email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
That's jimmydoer at earthlink.net.
You spell door, D-O-R-E, and we'll put you on our audience list, okay?
So we're going to start doing that, I think it looks like twice a month.
Our first one will be January 24th, okay?
So today's show was written.
That's right, it was written by Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Steph Zamarano, Robert Yasimura, and Mark Van Landuit.
All the voices performed by the one and only the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
Okay, happy new year.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Doris saying you'll be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Music This Christmas, I'm staying in bed.
I haven't had a good sleep in a while.
And I think this Christmas is what it will take to make up all those hours I've lost doing nothing.
Nothing at all.
For if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
I never have time because the days are so short.
Especially in Berlin when you think it's night at 4 p.m.
And I'm always running around catching colds and trains.
And I'm late for various appointments.
And the assortment of chaos of my everyday life is like a sampler of this and that.
With nothing to show for at the end of the day.
All I have is one big sleep deficit.
A giant debt that can never be paid.
It can never be paid back.
Except if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
I will go to one of those sleep labs when scientists will monitor the many levels of deep sleep that I willingly descend to.
While cables and devices are attached to my body.
A tangled mess of interconnectedness that's not very sexy.
despite all the beeping monitoring machinery I sleep like a baby and I dream of Santa being mean to me because I forgot all the lyrics to a tunnenbaum and silent night and angels started singing flying around my head this was when I yell at them go away I'm not dead I'm just having a good sleep that is long overdue when I'm through with this ordeal I will have paid back My debt,
every hour, minute, and second of it, and I will be set for the rest of my life with all the sleep I'll ever need.
It will be like betting on the right horse, it will be like winning the lottery, it will be like winning the lottery.
Because if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands because if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands If you sleep on Christmas,
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