All Episodes
Previous Next
Oct. 4, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:01:27
20141004_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_10-3-14
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Pre-show announcement.
If you're having a problem with the iPhone app for the Jimmy Door show, it was because of the new updated iOS 8, and we had to submit a new thing.
And my tech guy has let me know, the engineer who put together the EP, that it should all be straightened out within a few days.
So don't freak out, and everything should be okay.
If you're still having a problem, send me an email over at JimmyDoor at Earthlink.net and we'll figure it out for you, okay?
Until then, I'll see you October 4th at the improv at 8 p.m.
Now let's get going.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore show.
Frank, there's a bumper sticker I see frequently which invites one to not mess with Texas, which I think is a fairly unnecessary bumper sticker given the fact that not only do I not have the desire to mess with Texas, I'd be happy to not know Texas existed at all.
Case in point, first Ebola case ever diagnosed in the United States happened in Texas this week, which is certainly worthy of noting, but really, really, network news.
Seriously, 12,000 gun deaths a year and barely a blinked eyelid.
One case of Ebola and everybody shits their pants like people who have Ebola.
To my mind, the bigger deal is that a guy would travel from Liberia to Texas.
What is he doing?
It's like a tour of the shittiest places on earth.
So this guy comes down with Ebola in Texas.
And thankfully for him, Ebola isn't treated with a legal abortion.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah!
Yeah!
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
And I'm not kidding you, man.
It's really not that big a deal.
Still, scared the shit out of the straits.
Today, representatives announced that they will be prosecuting the Ebola patient.
What?
No shit.
Wow.
Turns out this guy, upon entering the country, didn't check a box on a form saying that he had been exposed to Ebola.
What the fuck?
Next thing you're telling me is that he doesn't read the terms and conditions on his iPhone.
I don't know why there even is some lightweight form for entering Texas.
I think everyone entering Texas should have to be interrogated because the desire to enter Texas is so suspect in the first place.
Seriously, unless your stated purpose in Texas is unlearning facts, I don't think you have a legit reason to be there.
By the way, if you think I'm being a little hard on Texas, let's remember this was a state to which the UN threatened to send election observers.
Finally, and as always, whenever slamming Texas, I am required by law to say, except for Austin.
Yeah.
But honestly, I'm kind of done with that too.
Because if Austin was so great, they would have fucking moved by now.
Nice job.
Well done.
I want to be back.
It's the Jimmy Door show.
The show for up-minded, Lily-live lefties.
The kind of people that are.
Phil Bence may be on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk on your T-Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined in the studio across the glass from me, the hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's everybody's favorite, Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
The better for your asking, James.
It's good to talk to you, Robert.
You know, I saw a study that said that they showed Asian people expressing love to their parents.
Did you see that study?
Evidently, it wasn't in my house.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Turns out that study, that's what it revealed.
Okay.
Asians have a hard time.
I want to talk about it today, but we'll talk about it next week.
It's pretty interesting.
Next to him, hilarious comedian, the host of the ardent atheist and skeptically yours and the editor of the hilarious film The Aristocrats.
It's my good buddy Emery Emery is here.
Hi, Emery.
Hi, Jimmy.
Thanks.
Thanks for coming in, buddy.
Appreciate it.
Across from him, the resident Latina and the and from the blog The Miserable Liberal, which there's a link for it over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
It's Steph Zamarano.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
Muy bien y osted kaimi.
Oh, Diego Puerta.
Okay.
She called you Jaime.
I know.
I heard it.
Jaime Puerta.
That's my name.
So let's get to some jokes before we get to the jokes, okay?
I don't know if you saw at the Value Voters Summit, Sarah Palin gave a speech where she referred to the White House as being 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Now, Palin saying the White House is located at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue was an honest mistake that any total fucking moron could make.
All right, let's remember that, you know.
And by the way, you know, I've been appearing at a lot of conventions devoted to fantasy and horror.
So why wasn't I invited to the Voters Value Summit?
Hey, by the way, I don't know if you heard George Clooney got married.
What?
And yeah, George Clooney got married.
And I hope his marriage opens a new chapter in his life that, you know, when things finally start going his way.
Fingers crossed for George, huh?
Maybe I could join his liberal cabal.
Hey, by the way, did you heard that political, the political, the online news source, Politico, they asked a bunch of astrologers to weigh in on the new Clinton baby.
And, you know, astrologers polled by Political about the Clinton baby were credible because they all once predicted the death of real journalism.
And by the way, the Supreme Court, they're taking up a lot of cases.
And, you know, it falls on the Supreme Court to fix our worst problems in America, namely gay people marrying, poor people voting, and rich people not having enough money.
Hope they can fix it.
Did you see Fox News?
They interviewed George Bush this week.
Fox News in the morning, they interviewed George Bush, and they lauded him.
Not kidding.
They lauded him for his handling of Iraq.
And they then went on to praise Ray Rice for his mastery of elevator etiquette.
Elevator etiquette.
Hey, did you hear Ted Nugent wrote another article about Ferguson?
He can write.
He can write.
Ted Nugent, you know, Ted Nugent writing an article slamming black Ferguson citizens, which he did.
It's the case of the unarmed being attacked by the untalented.
I really want to hurt those people.
Play a concert.
I don't know.
People say he plays a good guitar.
I think he might be a talented guitar player.
I don't know much about music, but Mike McRae swears he's a great guitar player.
So I'll give it to Mike McCray.
I think there was a great vegetarian.
That's what I heard.
That's all I'm saying.
Hey, by the way, did you hear the Secret Service in a lot of trouble?
Oh, ouch.
They got an intruder, got all the way in, right?
He's hopped the fence, had a knife, got all the way through the front door up to, you know, the White House intruder, though, it's kind of like George W. He's kind of like George W. Bush in that he managed to get inside the building without being elected.
I think that guy thought he was at 1400 Pennsylvania.
You're probably right.
You know, in their defense, the Secret Service has lately been good at keeping progressive, peaceful ideas out of the White House.
So, hey, but the Secret Service say that they're really taking this seriously and they're reorganizing and they're going to update their database.
And right now, they're looking into reports of threats against President McKinley.
McKinley.
By the way, the Secret Service Director who just resigned, she's going to now focus on not protecting people in the private sector.
By the way, we've got Ebola came to America this week.
Ebola's in America, and there's an Ebola patient being treated in Dallas.
And luckily, I can't imagine any kind of national tragedy ever happening in Dallas.
You know, for the record, Jimmy, I am anti-Ebola.
Oh, that's a great record.
Thank you.
I love that.
By the way, Ebola in Texas should scare us because the last virus that spread from there was called George W. Bush and it killed thousands.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to look into what's behind the right-wing outrage over the AP history exam.
It's spreading like wildfire.
The real reason just might surprise you, or will it?
Plus, is it Megan Kelly or Gretchen?
Blonde Pretty Woman says things on Fox News that doesn't make any sense.
And we make fun of it.
That's going to happen today.
She's outraged about America.
Also, Marco Rubio has his prediction for an endless war in the Middle East and he wants to be president.
Plus, we take a look at some crazy stuff Pat Robertson has said lately about taxes and the church and God killing people for good reason.
All right.
Plus, there's a lot.
Plus, DUIs at the University of Santa Barbara.
We're going to check it out.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Barack Obama.
Rick Perry calls in.
Mike from St. Louis calls again.
And Benjamin Netanyahu, that's today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, sweeties.
This is Rick 4.
In case you haven't heard, Jimmy Door has a new book available.
It's called Your Country Just If a Bad Indo.
Remember that shit?
Anyway, it's hilarious.
I spent all night reading it.
Burning the midnight oil and breaking the midnight scotch.
Your country just isn't a bad idea.
Look for it on Amazon.com.
The Jimmy Doer show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
So right now, there's a paranoia wave sweeping across the right wing.
Another one.
And this time it's about education.
As usual, they're against it.
And the AP, so there's the college board, which has the advanced placement testing, which means that they give these advanced classes to kids.
If they pass this test, they get college credit for it.
They're the most advanced kids in the school.
They're taking advanced placement tests.
So the new advanced placement test is focusing on critical thinking about history.
Uh-oh.
Boy, is that driving the right wing crazy, right?
So they got the, they stopped the AP test in Texas, right?
Because they think that the AP test is too liberal and they don't like that it's revealing things about our history that is uncomfortable, right?
Like they'll say that everything in the AP test is accurate, but they just don't want us talking about them.
They want us to emphasize things like patriotism.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
So they really got rid of the AP test in Texas.
So there's no more advanced placement in Texas.
Wow.
Well, they're never really.
I mean, they're leader.
So this is really happening, right?
So now.
Okay, so what's really going on here?
Okay.
Well, who's spearheading this?
It's a guy named Larry Krieger, right?
Now, Larry Krieger, by his own admission, says that there's nothing false or misleading or untrue inside the AP material, right?
But he gets everybody worked up that it's anti-American.
So who is Larry Krieger?
And who is this guy spearheading this?
Well, he owns a company named Insider Prep.
What?
That's right.
He owns a company that is a business that creates and sells books and materials to help students prep for the AP classes and tests.
Yes.
Well, I mean, it doesn't anymore up until this year, because his books and prep material helped people prep for the old test, which was based on the old study methods where memorizing is more important than critical thinking.
This is okay.
So his stuff isn't going to be, he's not going to make money anymore.
So this guy is like, I got to figure out a way.
So this is what he's doing.
They're not going to use his books anymore.
So that's all you need to know.
You mean his product is out of date?
His product is out of date.
And it doesn't meet the needs of the students.
It doesn't prepare them for this test.
is correct and this is the guy Follow the money.
Who's losing money on this?
Who's making money on this?
And that's the problem with these tests to begin with, because there's always somebody making money on these tests, right?
all these standardized tests, but this isn't a standardized test.
This is AP.
It's a little different.
So now you know the rest of the story.
But how is it?
But, you know, how are kids in other parts of the country handling it?
Well, let's go to Colorado.
In Colorado, the kids are protesting because they're thinking about doing this in Colorado.
And the kids walked out of class.
The AP kids, teachers are supporting them.
Even the college board, right?
So the college board that administers the AP test or the AP program said that if you try to change this, if you don't teach the things you're supposed to, you're not going to be allowed to offer the AP test anymore.
We're not going to give you credit, so you're going to be screwing over your own kids.
Good for them.
Right?
Which is good for them.
So.
By the way, an AP test won't help you get into Oral Roberts University.
Like there are a lot of – I think they just do oral exams.
So the students at the Denver Suburb School District, they organized a walkout in protest of the conservative leading school board's review of the AP American history curriculum.
The school board proposed a panel charged with changing the AP history curriculum to involve stronger promotion of citizenship, patriotism, essentials and benefits of the free market system.
Oh, God.
Respect for authority.
Oh, my God.
And respect for individual rights.
Holy smoke.
While whitewashing or removing materials that might encourage or condone civil disorder, social strike, or disregard of the law.
So they're not saying you can't talk about slavery, but they want you to, if you talk about it, you have to say it like, look all the free housing they got, right?
That's what they want you to say.
Things like that.
Sure, if you talk about the Trail of Tears, you have to go, everybody got warm blankets.
You have to say things like that.
That gave them typhoid.
You know, stuff like that.
So I guess that's what they're really not too far away from what they're doing.
But the AP exam is not going to change.
They just want to make sure that the kids are completely unprepared to take it.
Yeah, yes.
This is pretty much the same.
So are they suggesting to change the title of the class as well?
Because they can't present that information under the title of AP History.
You know, the ironic thing is.
The ironic thing is that the new, they did change a lot of things this year about the used to be the AP history was mostly just memorizing dates and facts, right?
Well, they've changed it now so you can think critically to draw conclusions from history and smell out bogus things that have been presented in history and learn from it, right?
So that they're really kind of being more forward and they're tying it in.
Yes, they do a lot of compare and contrast documents.
Yeah, like the internment camps.
That wasn't such a negative thing.
Right.
They were protecting those people.
That's right.
That's what my dad says.
They always felt really protected.
They were relieving them of the burden of taking care of all their money and property.
Exactly.
Exactly.
See, there's two sides to every story, Jimmy.
Can we meet in the middle over this?
Maybe we just intern half the Japanese.
We'll meet in the middle where the Republicans say we should be.
That's right.
So guess what?
Gretchen Carlson, not happy about this on Fox News.
Here's how she introduced, they were doing a story on this, and here's how she introduced the story.
So students in the Denver suburbs protesting, calling for a change in the curriculum after the school board wanted to promote patriotism.
And get this.
They also wanted to promote respect for authority.
Imagine that.
Chris Gallagher is live with more on this.
All right, what's up with these punks?
Wow.
Don't you like that?
I'd like that she referred to those kids as punks.
Yeah, those, you know, those college-bound, advanced placement student punks when they're not out peacefully demonstrating they're too busy to be studying for the SATs.
They're probably out, you know, harassing old ladies by spray painting calculus on the sides of the ceiling.
Yeah, so she's upset about it.
She calls them punks.
There's no irony in her voice.
She really, she mentions it.
She really means this, right?
Yeah, yeah, that was a slur.
Wow.
So here is the guy.
He does the, let me get the report he does.
It's pretty good.
By the way, not for nothing, but.
Do you really want to live in a world in which the schools take on the mantle of teaching respect for authority?
No.
Like, or anything of that nature.
No, no, we don't.
Okay.
So we're going to bring.
By the way, she has a rant.
I'm going to play in a second, but let's get to, here's how they reported the story.
Well, this is the fifth day in a row, by the way, Gretchen.
These protests have happened.
They started last Friday when the teachers staged a sick out that shut down a couple of high schools.
And since then, every day you've had hundreds of high school students that have left class and join these protests.
Now, this is all over this debate because the new school board, which is a conservative-leaning board, wanted to create a new committee to review the new history curriculum called A-Push.
Students and some educators accused the board of trying to whitewash U.S. history to only show America in a positive light.
Listen now to some students.
Yeah, so we're not going to listen to the students.
We're going to move right on.
But they believe the new lessons come from a left-leaning perspective put into place by liberal historians who don't want to teach about American exceptionalism and freedom and democracy.
Instead, would rather criticize America and highlight how the world views America power in a negative light.
First of all, I like how they say, you know, liberal historians.
Little known fact that when people start reading history, they tend to start becoming liberal.
There aren't very many conservative historians.
Just by the by, just like there aren't many conservative climate scientists.
Yeah.
Right?
So that seems to run counter.
This school board is also upset about the First Amendment and the Fourth Amendment.
They're upset about every amendment there possibly could be.
So let's hear what else this guy says.
Board member Julie Williams writes the following quoting here.
APUSH rejects the history that has been a country for generations.
It has an emphasis on race, gender, class, ethnicity, grievance, and American bashing while simultaneously omitting the most basic structural and philosophical elements considered essential to the understanding of American history.
In other words, she's saying instead of teaching that the pilgrims did amazing things and talking about their accomplishments, they would teach how the pilgrims used capitalism to exploit people.
We should note that this school board proposal has not yet even been voted on.
The protests, though, as you saw, Gretchen, are in full swing.
I like how he says that it hasn't even been voted on, but the protests are in full swing.
Yeah, it's best to wait till after a law gets passed and implemented before you register any disapproval with it.
You know, just like you're just like Americans have always done.
They never protest anything before it happens.
You wait till after.
Well, they'd know that if they had a respect for authority.
You're damn right, Emeric.
That's a good point.
So here, Gretchen, this does not sit well with Gretchen, right?
So here's what Gretchen Carlson has to say.
She's really going to let us know.
So time for my take now.
The last time I checked, we were still living in the United States of America, where we have a national anthem and an American flag.
Hey, by the way, why do you have to check where you're living all the time?
Hey, by the way, I know I'm in Los Angeles in a studio.
Is this still in America?
I'm checking.
Just in case it comes up later when I have to act like a moron talking about AP history exams.
Yeah, last time I checked, I was living again.
Let's listen to it.
I just loved how she says that.
Now, the last time I checked, we were still living in the United States of America, where we have a national anthem and an American flag.
And that flag stands for agreeing with the government and shutting the fuck up when you don't.
Okay, here, she's got more.
Are they the next things to be controversial and talked about being thrown out?
How can being patriotic or learning about patriotism be a negative?
Okay, that's called a straw man argument.
Nobody's saying that learning about America or patriotism is a negative.
That's not what people are saying.
We're saying we need to have an accurate, and by the way, they're so worried about kids, they're going to be indoctrinated into some liberal.
These are the smartest kids in the school.
If they're getting presented with BS, they're going to be able to see through it.
They're the smartest kids in the school, okay?
They're the ones AP, okay?
They're smarter than you, okay?
And by the way, when these students take their patriotism test, they're all going to be copying off the Asian kid anyway.
I love the way there's an assumption on the part of this woman, of Gretchen Carlson, but also the right in general, that people won't love this country if they have the facts about this country.
Exactly.
And it's like, no, you could have the facts and still love this country.
You just might be a little bit more leery of lying.
The most patriotic thing you could do is learn the history of the United States.
Accurately.
Wouldn't you think?
And if those facts are horrible facts, you don't whitewash them, right?
You understand them so you can better change those mistakes again.
And not make sure those same mistakes aren't real.
Can I say something, though?
I know I'm a guest on your show.
No, take your time.
Go ahead.
I want to apologize for kind of going against your theme here.
No, go ahead.
You've been taking Gretchen Carlson a little bit out of context here, and I think you should put her in context so people understand.
She's a vile idiot.
And that's important to know going into this.
When we made fun of her before for saying such ridiculously ignorant things like this, someone sent me an email and said, yeah, you think Gretchen Carlson's so dumb?
Then how did she graduate from Stanford?
She went to Stanford.
She went to Stanford.
In your face, in my face, right?
Because I went to state school.
And by the way, that is a classic falsehood.
We're talking about argument from authority.
So just look that up, Jagoff.
Well, what I told that person was I think I even said it on your show this week, Emery, was that, you know, in the words of George Burns, it takes a pretty smart woman to play that dumb.
Right, right.
Because nobody that dumb would actually talk that dumb.
That's a smart person pretending to be that dumb.
Okay, so she's got some more to do.
You know what, Jimmy, I had a quick question.
Are we in America?
We still are.
Last time I checked.
I just had a check.
Last time I checked.
Give me out.
Here we go.
Hey, there's more to that Gretchen Carlson.
She's got a lot more dumb stuff to say that you know she's lying.
You know she doesn't believe it's, but she's saying it.
She's good at it.
Okay, but right now, we got a phone call from John Boehner.
Okay, joining us on the phone now is Texas Governor Rick Perry.
Governor Perry, I appreciate you taking time to join.
Are you there?
Hey, Jimmy.
Hey.
Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Oh, Jimmy Mac.
Where are you?
Coming back.
What are you doing?
Jimmy.
Oh, what do you, Governor?
What are you doing?
Oh, never mind me.
I'm just singing a song.
People don't realize this, but I love race music.
Yeah.
Those people are so talented sometimes.
Well, listen, Governor.
I wanted to add, you sound like you're in a really good mood, buddy.
Actually, I'm just trying to take my mind off the horrible new immigration grip in Texas.
What?
There's a horrible immigration that's gripping Texas?
Yes.
First it was the Mexicans.
Then it was their friends who are also Mexican.
But now the news couldn't be worse.
Ebola.
Ebola.
Ebola is an immigration crisis, Governor.
That's right.
And I'm telling you, Jimmy, the Ebolan people are not welcome in our state.
What are you talking about?
What?
The Ebolan people.
I think Obama should talk to the president of Ebola and tell him that his countrymen are not allowed here.
Governor, Ebola is a disease.
Dang right it is.
Some people are diseased just like the Mexicans are diseased.
Only at least the Mexicans came up with that delicious food that's edible even when white people serve it at a Taco Bell drive-through.
I haven't even heard of an Ebola restaurant, and I would never go there unless I was really drunk on homosexual.
Which, as I stated before, is basically the same thing.
Governor Perry, you're missing the point here, I think.
What I'm trying to say.
Sometimes after I've been out drinking, after the bar closes, I go to like an all-night diner for a big heap and plate of homosexuality.
If I saw any Ebola citizens there, I would tell them all to skedaddle.
You heard me right, Jimmy.
I said skedaddle.
That's the kind of stuff language a strong later needs to use.
You don't never hear Obama tell anyone to skedaddle.
You know what I'm saying?
If I were president, I wouldn't hesitate to tell our enemies to skedaddle, scoot, and that most feared of all phrases.
Go on, Aggie.
Now, Governor, I've been trying to tell you that Ebola is not a country or a race of people.
It's a disease and a very horrible one.
And so far, one patient in America has it, but he's in Texas.
One patient.
Damn right, he's in Texas.
And this disease does spread.
I'll be proud to say it started in Texas.
No other state would have had the balls to spread such a disease.
From now on, anytime anybody pukes, sneezes, peas themselves, or shits their pants with diarrhea, I'll just take a check.
You are a proud man.
I sure is.
And Jimmy, I'll make one more promise.
What's that, buddy?
We here in Texas are not going to let Ebola take away our freedom.
I mean, no matter how sick people get from Ebola, I will not desecrate the Constitution by providing them with affordable health care.
God bless America.
Well, Governor Perry, I thank you for joining us today and letting us know, okay?
Taste my long-star kiss, fuckface.
Thank you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Hey, Jimmy, I'd like to support the show, but I don't want to spend any money.
Is there a way I can do that?
Yes.
Well, if you shop at Amazon.com ever, why don't you use our link at the front page?
Then when you buy something, they send us money.
I think you know how it works because every podcast in the world is doing it.
And if you like our show and you want to support it, that's a great way to support it.
Besides being a premium member, the next time you buy something from Amazon.com, just swing by JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on our Amazon box, and then when you buy something, they send us money.
It's like for free.
Because if you don't click on our box, they won't send us money and they're going to keep it.
So if you do click on our box, they will send us the money, and then you're helping support the show, and you've officially become a great person.
So thanks to everybody who thinks about us, who already does that, who already has the Jimmy DoorComedy.com page bookmarked.
If you bookmark that page, you go to your bookmark the next time you want to go to Amazon, you end up at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You click that box, and it's just that easy.
But it really does help support the show, which is why I take time out every week to let you know about it.
And I feel like I have to pre-explain it sometimes because even Gilbert, my tech guy, didn't understand how it worked.
But now you know.
So let's get back to the second half.
A lot of great stuff.
Got phone calls from Benjamin Netanyahu.
And we'll get another phone call coming up in the second half.
Plus, we're going to get back to Megan Kelly.
She's got a lot more dumb shit to say.
So let's just get back to it right now, shall we?
Hey, welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
We got a lot coming up for you in the second half.
We got phone calls from John Boehner and Benjamin Netanyahu.
I'm joined in the studio by Robert Yasimura from The Ardent Atheist, Emery Emery, and Steph Semorano from The Miserable Liberal.
And we're talking about Fox News and the right-wing's freak out over the AP history exam.
And Gretchen Carlson was in the middle of giving us a rant why she's angry at students who are protesting against the conservative right-wing school board whitewashing American history.
So she's got more to say.
Let's get back.
And what does it say about our young people in this country and the teachers joining the protest that promoting patriotism is now a negative?
Ironically, the new curriculum being proposed is all about promoting individual rights like protesting.
The new curriculum would also teach a free market system like the one we already have.
Okay, we don't have a free market system.
Just so I just we have one of the most heavily regulated market systems ever.
It's very regulated, and that's why all those corporations and bankers spend billions of dollars lobbying lawmakers so they can write those free market laws to favor them.
They try to rig this system so they can have an easier time of it inside their crony capitalism world, right?
So there is no such thing.
There is a free market, and the only people who have it are pirates, okay?
And they live in Somalia.
How's that working out for your free market?
I also think if you really went and looked, you could find Gretchen Carlson somewhere complaining about how this is not a free market system.
I got you.
Yeah, I'll bet you a billion dollars it's out there.
It would also encourage that there be no disregard for the law.
Isn't that why we have laws on the books?
Or have we come to the point where breaking the law is not no, that's not why we have laws on the books to teach people respect for the law.
We have laws on the books to keep people from violating other people's rights.
That's why.
And from criminal malfeasance.
We don't make laws so you respect laws.
We make laws to help orderly society.
And we also change laws when they're wrong.
That's exactly right.
Okay, here we go.
There's more.
How an admirable choice.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm all for freedom of speech and the ability to gather and state your claim.
I don't think so.
In fact, I think you're going to contradict yourself right now.
But quite frankly, if you don't like it here and you have a problem with promoting the basic freedoms that men and women have died for, protesting for the rest of us and protecting us, then get out.
Oh.
Coming up on the show.
Okay.
I will get out.
I will gladly move to another country, but I'm afraid if I do, this one will bomb.
Yes.
Yes.
So Gretchen Carlson.
The old love itself.
Because if you don't love, if you don't like America, I'm all about protesting.
Well, then why would you say get out if you protested?
But if you don't like it, get out.
Hey, guess what?
This country's all about protesting, Gretchen.
If you don't like that, why don't you get out of America?
Because you don't like America, which is built by a bunch of protesters who overthrew their authoritarian government to start this goddamn country in the first place.
Well, I think we can all examine this issue and see how important it is when they're electing school board officials that you need to participate in that.
And you need to really know who you're electing because these elections go on all the time.
And there's a new school board election going on in Glendale in our local area as well.
And I think it's up to everybody in Colorado.
They need to get their shit together and start figuring out who they want on the school board.
And, you know, it is, this is what's happening in the classroom everywhere in the United States.
Yes.
They're questioning the question curriculum all the time.
Right.
And they should be questioning curriculum all the time, right?
Because curriculum usually comes from the top down.
You should question even this.
I don't mind them questioning it.
I mind the way the right wing is questioning it.
They're afraid of accurate information.
Again, like I said at the top of the show, they're against accurate information because it goes against the conservative narrative.
Well, Ronald Reagan never raised taxes and kids won't get pregnant if you never tell them about sex.
So accurate information is their enemy, right?
They need propaganda.
And what is more patriotic?
What's more American than forcing your ignorance on someone else's kids?
Right?
Ironically, luckily she goes, ironically, the new curriculum is all about promoting individual rights, like protesting.
Well, then these kids are already a students, aren't they?
They passed it.
And also, it is ironic to see a Fox News anchor invoke irony while displaying her lack of irony while flapping around her ironed hair.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for freedom of speech.
Except I'm not really not.
I don't know how you get out of Stanford not understanding the sentence structure that she used completely negated what she said.
I mean, that is a get-that's that's obvious to anybody who's been through high school.
I am again, I'm for freedom of speech, but you're an idiot.
Yeah, you can't.
It's an absolute.
Freedom of speech is an absolute.
And by the way, Gretchen Carlson, I think she did this rant just so we would know at home who the Fox News anchor is who wasn't in AP history class.
Well, you know here that these kids are experiencing something so important that there's no assessment that's going to be evaluating how much they're really learning about process in their country.
Yes.
And it's critical to examine the past in order to learn from it, right?
And to learn how to think critically.
It's history.
It's not a bedtime story, okay?
This history isn't there to make you feel good about America or feel good about yourself.
History's there to educate you so you don't make the same mistakes we already made.
And if there's anything we learn from history, it's that we never learn anything from history.
Right.
Can I?
Yes.
If you're just, I recall Milan Kundera talking about how the first thing that the Soviets did when they moved into Czechoslovakia is change the names of the streets.
And, you know, that really is the sign of an authoritarian government is one that is trying to erase the past and erase history.
That's exactly.
This is our wealth.
And it is really to our credit that we haven't done that, that we've, we've, as a nation, been fairly upfront about things.
I mean, not always, but for the most part, we've, we've copped to a lot of stuff.
And when people talk about not copying to it, I find that chilling.
I find that terrifying.
Yeah, not copying to history.
Yeah.
Yeah, but also, Robert, they're teaching respect for authority.
They want to teach respect for authority.
You know, of course, unless that authority happens to be a Democrat or a black.
Then we don't respect him.
Then we question his birth certificate.
Then we call him a socialist and a Muslim and a terrorist and a thug and a black panther.
We call him everything then.
But if he's a white guy and he's conservative, then you better respect it.
And by the way, I know enough about kids to tell you this.
A kid who is not being respected by an adult enough to be given the appropriate information is not going to respect them back no matter how much he tried to teach them how to respect authority.
Yes, that is correct.
All right.
Let me do one more joke and maybe we'll get out of it.
Sorry.
No, no, no, no.
I just found that so troubling.
But it's amazing that conservatives who claim to love America more than liberals fear the actual real history of America.
Are they, you know, what are they afraid of people learning?
You know, if history turns people into liberals, then I say teach history as it is, unvarnished.
And if capitalism was so great, why do conservatives need to lie about it all the time?
I don't think this is that new either.
I mean, I went through high school.
I didn't go through college.
But I did not even know about the internment camps until last year.
Really?
Yeah.
I didn't.
I really didn't.
I wasn't a good student.
So that might be part of it.
But honestly, I have no memory of someone explaining to me what happened.
Well, so here's.
I want to say one thing about advanced placement.
First off, that I can see how these students, if they don't have access to these advanced placement classes, I could see that that would be a lawsuit in that school district because they're not providing access.
So, but the other thing is, too, I don't believe in AP classes.
Don't they charge the kids to take these exams as well?
Oh, you're kidding.
No, I think there's a $75 fee that I'm sure you can get waived for a certain amount.
But if every test you're taking, I think you're paying a certain amount.
And that's a scam in itself.
And I kind of think I have my friends that teach AP classes.
They are in no way being compensated as much, you know, for that advanced placement course.
I have friends that are teaching 39 students in an advanced placement English course that's supposed to teach them how to analyze literature as well as being tested on this.
And it's like teachers are working super hard in the classroom.
These kids are stepping up to the plate, demonstrating together collectively.
And I think it seems like we're going to see a lot of this stuff going on in our schools right now with the advent of all of this new testing requirement, online testing.
It's going to rip off the students'experience.
I agree with you.
I agree with you on this.
Let me ask you, Emery.
Now, you didn't know about the Japanese internment camps that FDR set up.
Did you also not know about the Ludlow Massacre?
I did not.
Okay, the Ludlow Massacre.
you know what that is Steph isn't that is that the one that took place in the mining town yes so it was Howard Zinn highlights the Colorado National Guard.
I do know Woody Guthrie, I believe, does a song about the Ludlow Massacre.
So the Ludlow Massacre, I mean, If Duran Duran had done a song about it, I would know.
The Ludlow Massacre was an attack by the Colorado National Guard and the Colorado Fuel and Iron Company camp guards on a tent colony of 1,200 striking coal miners and their families at Ludlow, Colorado on April 20th, 1914.
Some two dozen people, including women and children, were killed.
The chief owner of the mine, John D. Rockefeller, was widely criticized for the incident.
The massacre, the culmination of a bloody widespread strike against Colorado coal mines, resulted in the violent deaths of between 19 and 26 people.
Reported death tolls vary, but included two women, 11 children asphyxiated and burned to death under a single tent.
So that's part of American history.
Right.
Sure.
Right?
That they don't want, I'm sure they don't want taught.
I don't want it taught.
The Centralia massacre is when 24 unarmed union soldiers were captured and executed in Centralia, Missouri, unarmed.
Yeah.
But it's the beheadings in the Middle East.
Those guys are worse than anybody.
None of those people would have been massacred had they understood authority.
Yeah, if they would just respect authority.
I don't think you understand that all of this can be resolved if we just go with the curriculum that the Republicans want.
Well, I think those kids in Davis certainly learned a couple years ago, about two years ago.
Oh, UC Davis.
Yeah, but they should have had more respect for authority when he pepper sprayed them with the tub.
Yeah, with that, I don't know, was that a half-drum, gallon drum of like pepper?
Like he was just spraying them down like he's trying to give them a tan.
Yeah, like he's trying to get rid of the weeds or something.
Just spray it right in their face.
You know, I don't know.
Protesters.
That's a violent act.
You are chemically assaulting peaceful protesters.
I don't know how they get away with that.
You're assaulting people who are peacefully protesting.
You're not supposed to be able to do that.
That's not what you're supposed to be able to do.
And anyway.
All right, let's go.
We talked about this too long.
Bye.
Thank you.
I don't know if you guys saw the Benjamin Netanyahu gave a speech to the UN.
Did you guys see it?
He was really going hard right.
I mean, he was off the rail, so I'm going to try and get him on the phone.
Hello, Mr. Prime Minister.
Do we have you on the phone, Mr. Prime Minister?
Greetings, Jimmy.
Hi.
Hi, Benjamin.
I saw your speech at the UN, buddy.
Kind of a barn burner, huh?
Kind of a barn burner.
ISIS is Hamas.
Hamas is ISIS.
Okay, slow down, big fella.
Okay, take it a little slow there.
All right.
Let's go.
ISIS and Hamas are branches of the same poisonous tree.
Okay, listen, Mr. Prime Minister, just come.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Call me BB, Jimmy.
BB.
It shows your affection for me.
Okay, let me ask you about Hamas.
Can I ask you about Hamas, Mr. Nazis?
Okay, they're not Nazis.
BB, please.
God damn it.
They're not Nazis.
I just want to ask you a few questions about what you're saying.
How can you simultaneously condemn the Jewish state for its war with Hamas?
And at the same time, praise President Barack Obama for attacking Islamic State Middleton and other extremists.
Purposely bombing innocent people in occupied territories.
That's not the same thing as fighting ISIS on the battlefield.
Do you know that?
Don't be naive.
Oh, please.
Don't start with that again.
I'm not being naive, BB.
I'm talking facts.
Don't be naive.
Okay, I don't know why.
I don't know why, BB.
Whenever you tell me not to be naive, it kind of drives me fucking crazy.
Okay, I don't know why that is, but could you please stop doing that?
Do what?
Okay, listen.
Hamas says that listen.
What?
Listen.
So Hamas says that they're not terrorists, that they're actually victims, right?
That they're actually victims of the Israeli occupation, which took their land and expelled their people.
They say they're fighting for freedom and independence, and Israel is the one that targets civilians.
Israel uses missiles to protect its children.
Wait a minute.
Hamas uses its children to protect its missiles.
Okay, so you're just spewing platitudes now, okay?
I really want to talk to you about it.
I want to talk to you more.
You know that your shelling of civilians in Gaza has been has been condemned by the United Nations Council on Human Rights.
You know that?
You don't mean the Terrorist Rights Council.
Okay, listen.
Why are you saying they condemn Israel for bombing neighborhoods in its territories it occupies while ignoring lots of other atrocities across the globe?
So you're admitting that bombing defenseless civilians in territories you occupy is an atrocity.
Is that what you're doing?
Lots of atrocities in the world, but they single out Israel's atrocities to condemn.
So you'd be okay with the UN Rights Council condemning you for bombing Gaza if they also condemned other atrocities in other places around the globe.
Is that what you're saying?
Listen, when we are getting ready to kill innocent men and women and children, we call them first on the phone.
How could we be committing atrocities when we have the phone bills right here at the short?
Okay, listen.
So you're saying, by your logic, you're saying that if the 9-11 hijackers would have just phoned the Twin Towers before they and told them, hey, we're going to blow you guys up in a second, then that would have been morally okay to do that?
Is that what you're saying?
You anti-Semite.
Did you really just call me an anti-Semite for agreeing with the UN Human Rights Council, BB?
Because that's what I'm doing, agreeing with the human rights.
Hamas?
Hamas is ISIS.
Yeah, okay.
Now you're just changing the subject.
No, you conflated ISIS with Iran with Hamas in your speech to the UN.
To feed ISIS and leave Iran, the threshold nuclear power is to win the battle and lose the war.
You know that Iran's on our side, right, right now against ISIS, right?
You know that.
So how am I supposed to be scared of Iran if sometimes they're also on our side?
Iran has sworn the annihilation of Israel.
Okay, let's play a game, Bibi.
Let's play a game.
Of the two countries, Iran and Iraq, which one has nuclear weapons?
Which one?
This sounds like the return of the world's oldest prejudices.
Okay, listen.
Of these two countries, which one is occupying land outside its borders and bulldozing houses?
You hate ISIS.
All right, listen, I'm not going to let you call me an anti-Semitic.
I'm going to go.
This isn't going anywhere.
I'm not getting anywhere.
Just calling me an anti-Semite whenever I'm going to go.
Okay, Jimmy, I'll be on the West Coast this winter.
We should hook up, grab a drink.
Okay, no problem.
Bibi, when you coming out, let me know.
No, I'll call you first and give you a heads up.
No, no, you know what?
Don't call me first before you come.
It kind of makes me nervous.
Oh, don't be naive.
I'm not being naive.
Don't be naive.
You're not being naive, BB.
I'm just telling you.
Don't be naive.
Don't be naive.
Okay, I'm not being naive.
All right, Benjamin, I got to go, but thanks for talking to us.
I appreciate it.
Well, that's rather anti-Semitic on you.
No, it's not anti-Semitic, Ari.
I'm just saying goodbye.
Thanks very much, and thanks for talking to us.
Bye-bye, B. Wait, I'm BB.
Bye.
Adios.
Goodbye.
All right, Benjamin Netanyahu.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes, and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hey, thanks, everybody who's bought the book and left me a nice review over at Amazon.com.
We really appreciate it.
If you got the book, you read it, you like it, please leave us a review over at Amazon.
Now let's get back to the show.
Time for another installment of, oh, my God.
I'm watching Pat Robertson and somebody.
Somebody called in and asked the question about tax money.
And here's here we go.
Okay, this is Wendy who said, whose church are we?
Are we God's church or the world's?
Jesus said, render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's taxes.
Why are churches taking a handout from the government?
The just shall live by the government or by faith?
I don't know what handout you're talking about either.
We don't take a handout from the government.
Okay, the handout that he's talking about would be that you don't pay taxes, meaning that you get to use all the infrastructure that everyone else is paying for, except you don't pay for it, and you don't have to pay taxes.
Isn't that exactly right?
I'm talking to Emery Emery from the Ardent Atheist Podcast.
This is right up his alley.
So now he's got a little bit more to say, and then we'll come right back to you.
Not paying taxes is your money.
The fact the government doesn't take it away from you is not a government handout.
And time immemorial, what belongs to God is what belongs to God.
And that money in the church is given by people to the Lord.
It doesn't belong to the government.
Yeah, and then the Lord, the Lord, takes it and gives it back to Pat Robertson.
They have a joint account, I think.
What's the most powerful being in the universe need fucking money for?
Are you out of your mind?
I'm with you.
All right, he's got a little bit more to say.
To keep the government from taking it away from you.
I think we've got this liberal mentality that everything that you have belongs to the government, and it's a benefit and privilege that they don't take it away from you.
That's the reverse.
It belongs to you, and they shouldn't take what belongs to God.
Okay, they shouldn't take away what you've taken away from deluded people.
That's what you're saying.
The government isn't taking away our money when we're taxed.
The society is agreeing that a certain percentage needs to go toward infrastructure.
And you, you sucking at the government teat bastard, you are like Jimmy said, you're using everything, but you're not contributing.
Your contribution is to built my grandmother for a bunch of fucking money.
Yes, that's exactly right.
That's his contribution.
Sorry, everybody.
No, no, that's good.
I just have to make a correction.
I don't think it's the government's teeth.
I think it's the government's dick.
Good job.
Well, you know, he doesn't sound much like a preacher right there.
He sounds a little bit like, I don't know, Ron Paul or Rand Paul or Ayn Rand, right?
You're not supposed to glorify the money changers.
Remember, you're supposed to throw them out of your temple, right?
You're not supposed to run interference for the money changers.
Okay.
You're supposed to give to Caesar what is Caesar, give to God what is God.
Remember?
That's in the Bible, right?
So that's not them taking your money.
You can't give money to God.
God doesn't have a bank account.
They're giving it to you, Pat, for you, so you can go invest in a diamond mine, stuff like that.
Do you hear him conflating himself with God?
Yes.
That's what he's doing.
Yes.
So.
And by the way, just to be clear, there's no God.
The thing that I find particularly galling about that is, you know, if these places don't run at a profit, that would be one thing.
But his place runs at a profit, and it's supposed to be another.
It's all profit.
Yeah.
So, I mean, tell you what.
Once you're done feeding the poor, like actually doing stuff with that money to help people, if you got anything left over, we'll tax that.
But why don't you, you know, feed some people, like do some actual good works.
I don't want.
And I'll happily give you the tax break.
It's fine.
I mean, it's so easy.
I mean, he's contradicting himself all over.
In fact, he's contradicting.
I mean, I didn't even have to put on my thinking cap to see through this.
It's like, well, you're not giving that.
You're giving that money to God.
No, they're giving it to you.
And, you know, your church, I'm pretty sure your church uses infrastructure.
It uses sewers.
People have to drive on the roads to get it.
It uses sewers.
It uses the water.
It's running water.
It has electricity that comes in.
This is all provided by the government, right?
Helps this happen.
And then, of course, the people who come to your church have to drive on roads.
And then you get to broadcast.
So anyway.
And the thing is.
But he's not paying for any of it.
Back in the day when these decisions were made, churches kind of were part of the infrastructure.
Like they were part of the community.
Yes.
They actually served a purpose.
And they serve the community in real ways.
Like they helped poor people, orphans, widows, things like that.
Now we have government programs that take care of widows and orphaned kids.
And so the churches don't have that big of a, or they, it's not their main thing anymore.
Right.
But in his case, all he's doing is blathering on his goddamn dumbass opinions on television.
I don't understand how that serves the community in the slightest.
No, he's not serving anybody.
But I like the fact that he doesn't sound like he sounds like the opposite of, he sounds like Rand Paul.
You can't be both those.
You can't pretend to be a Jesus freak and be an Ayn Rand maniac, right?
Those two things don't go together.
Right.
Okay, joining us on the phone right now is I'm pretty sure I have John Boehner.
I've been trying to get a hold of him.
Hello, hello, Mr. Boehner.
Are we there?
Jimmy, it's Boehner.
All right, Mr. Speaker, how you doing, buddy?
Grandma.
Hey, I'm fucking great, Jimmy.
Just shaved two points off my handicap that finally caught up on my drinking.
So I'm sorry, finally caught up on your drinking.
You've been drinking less?
Is that what you're trying to tell me?
That you've been drinking less?
You know, there were those eight days last month that we had to pretend to be working.
Okay, okay, yeah.
Yeah.
It was like a nightmarish fortnight of sobriety.
But now you've got some downtime, Mr. Speaker.
Jimmy, my friend, I'm not put on bipads for over a week, and I am loving it.
Didn't Congress recess for me?
Let them breathe.
Yeah, let them breathe.
Didn't Congress recess for the last push before the elections?
I mean, I thought you'd be super busy out campaigning, right?
Isn't that why you guys took off for the rest of the year?
Are you kidding me?
I'm Speaker of the goddamn house.
My district couldn't unelect me if they killed me.
Which they may have done.
I don't know.
I might be dead now and not know it.
So you're not worried about your race?
Worried.
Jimmy, after I hang up with you, I might just head to downtown Cincinnati to show my dick to small children in the street.
That's how bulletproof this guy is.
There's a lot more to that John Boehner phone call.
And to hear the entire phone call, all you have to do is become a premium member, which is very inexpensive.
It's $5 a month to get all the premium content we drop every week.
So you'll hear stuff like John Boehner and Mike from St. Louis and all the other content that doesn't make it into the hour show, which is fantastic, okay?
So we've got a lot of stuff.
All you do is you go to jimmydoorcomedy.com, you click on premium, you make your $5 donation, and then we'll send you a passcode.
And if you haven't gotten your passcode, please send me an email at my old-timey email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net, and we'll set you all up, okay?
And thanks, everybody who is a premium member and supports the show that way.
It's a great way to help support the show.
It really does make this show possible.
And I hope we provide you with, we certainly provide you with a lot of bonus content that people always love.
So thanks, everybody, for being a supporter.
And if you want us donate for the whole year, so if you want to get it for the whole year, we'll save you five bucks.
It'll only be $55.
So that's a little bonus discount, okay?
So thanks, everybody who does that and supports the show.
And thanks, everybody who's going to make it out tomorrow night or tonight, whenever you're listening to this.
It's October 4th, and I'm headlining the improv.
I'm going to be there with Lou Avery, Television's most hated man from Mad Men.
It's Alan Havey, who plays the hated character Lou Avery at Mad Men.
He's going to be there with me on Saturday.
Laura Keitlinger, who is also hilarious.
You know her from a million things that she's done.
And she's Will and Grace, Jackie Woodman.
And she's done a hilarious.
She's one of my all-time favorites.
And we're going to have a surprise guest on that show, too.
So that's October 4th, 8 p.m.
And there's a link for discounted tickets at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
How much of a discount is there, Jimmy?
Well, tickets are usually 15 bucks.
If you use that link and the code DOR, D-O-R-E, you'll get a ticket for $5.
That's a pretty good deal.
Okay, so we'll see everybody there October 4th.
And thanks to everybody who's left reviews of the book on Amazon.
Makes me feel good.
Thanks very much.
All right, and go hear me on Jay Moore's podcast, too, by the way.
I had a blast with Jay Moore.
Jay Moore got the book, he read it, and he loved it, right?
And so it was fun to do an interview with someone who's read the book and liked it or loved it.
So that was fantastic.
Go listen to that.
Hey, today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written.
It's written by Frank Conniff, Robert Yasimura, Mark Van Landuitt, Steph Zamarano.
That's right.
So we got all those people writing the show.
The voice is, of course, performed by the one and only the inimitable Mike McRae, who also writes for this show.
Check out MikeMcRae at MikeMcRae.com.
Okay, that's it for this week.
▲
Export Selection