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Aug. 30, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
The Jimmy Dore Show!
Jimmy Door.
This is Bill O'Reilly.
Shut up.
What do you want?
Leave a message.
All right.
I'm calling you.
Jimmy Door.
This is Bill O'Reilly.
How you doing, you liberal organic veggie burger secularism?
I'm doing great.
Riding the old scared white people gravy train.
Choo-choo.
Don't think it's all Rose as being a multi-millionaire white guy with its own cable news show.
You'll know my struggle.
At the studio, the new makeup girl won't pluck my nose hairs.
I overheard her say my breath smells like mustard.
Or you race hustlers just stirring up trouble with these protests in Ferguson, Missouri.
Whatever happened in this country to your innocent until proven guilty of murdering an unarmed black kid.
Blacks.
Blacks.
Why do they have to turn everything into a racial issue?
I never met a racist policeman in my life.
And neither has anyone else.
There's no such thing as a racist policeman.
I asked Fox News contributor Mark Furman.
He agreed that Al Sharpton is peddling lies and exploiting racial divisions.
He doesn't do it half as good as me.
Amateur.
Blah, blah, blah.
Racial profiling, police harassment, stop and frisk.
All those porch monkeys do is whine.
I prefer Scotch.
Wow.
The grievance industry doesn't have the guts to go after the real problem in the black community talking about Beyonce videos.
When I think of my bitch forex wife in the arms of that cop, I have to put a taser to my balls just to get that image out of my head.
I never trusted a cop who took a bribe from me.
Okay, fuck faith.
I need to go take a shit in my pants.
Buying my new book, Killing Some Motherfucker.
All right, Bill O'Reilly.
I want to find my name.
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
the show for up-minded, lowly-lovered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's our parking guy.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Okay.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined on the phone from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000 and his new podcast, Pot House 90.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
Yay.
Good to hear your voice.
Across the glass from me, hilarious comedian host of Comedy and Everything Else and the new blog, The Miserable Liberal.
It's Steph Zamarano, our resident Latina.
Hi, Steph.
Yes, and across from her, across from her, hilarious Japanese man, it's our own Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
The better for your asking, Gene.
Yay.
Okay, let's get to some jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Because by the way, Beyonce, I don't know if you guys watch the MTV Awards.
It was the other night, right?
You saw Deadwin Wright, the MTV Awards.
So Beyonce, she won several awards.
She did, but nothing can top the great honor of being so publicly despised by Bill O'Reilly.
You know what?
Last night, I was so pissed off.
There was a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon on, and there was nothing wrong with my aspect ratio.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, by the way, the NRA, you know, they're on it right back in the news.
The NRA, they are nothing if not flexible, right?
They support adults shooting children, and now they support children shooting adults.
Isn't that nice?
Hey, you got a nine-year-old?
Never too young to learn how to fire an Uzi.
Hey, go ahead, Frank.
Well, I don't know if you saw, but this is true.
They tweeted fun activities for kids at a shooting range after the shooting happened.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
The NRA, the Twitter feed called NRA Women tweeted that.
Wow.
So, wow.
They're like psychopaths.
They're just like psychopaths, though, right?
It's like you can't parody them.
There was a guy we showed the guy who said that blind people should have guns.
Do you think that they're just going to start waving it around and shooting it at people?
Because that's what it sounds like.
What?
I just think they're shooting off their mouth.
Yeah.
Ah, the NRA shooting off their mouth.
Hey, by the way, there's some new Ferguson audio.
Did you hear about that?
There was someone on Skype when the shooting happened in Ferguson, and it got picked up and they heard.
And so now they played it.
And the new Ferguson audio contains a bombshell revelation that the cop may have been at fault when he shot an under kid six times.
What?
Yeah, so that's pretty big bombshell.
By the way, an unarmed black citizens walking across the street was a situation the police were bound to crack down on sooner or later.
You know, I was thinking about, you ever see that Police Academy movies?
You ever see, I love those police shows.
Ferguson is like a Police Academy movie if it was directed by D.W. Griffith.
Or Sam Peck and Paul.
D.W. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, Frank, he did Birth of a Nation, and it was a really racist.
He directed it in the, I believe, 1914 or so.
And to this day, still possibly the most racist movie ever made.
Okay.
And by the way, so you heard that Burger King moving to Canada.
They're taking her corporate headquarters.
And on the heels of that bad news, more bad news, Arby's isn't going anywhere.
I think Burger King, if they're going to move their headquarters, should change their name or should be required to change their name to Burger Prime Minister.
That's a parliamentary joke.
But we don't have kings here.
That's why we don't have kings here in the United States.
That's fair too.
So that's why we're going to have to cut that out of the show.
Hey, by the way, I don't know if you saw the New York Times.
They did a story about Michael Brown the other day where they referred to him as No Angel.
By the way, that was a situation that was remedied when he was murdered and sent to the afterlife.
They really referred to him as No Angel.
That's how they referred to this kid as no angel.
Was that an actual article or was that by HP?
No.
in their native advertising section?
No, that was not sponsored content.
That was for real.
And they referred to Michael Brown as no angel.
They refer to serial killers nicer than that.
They talk about how troubled they were.
Nice, quiet kids.
They referred to Michael Brown as no angel.
And I was like, oh, I know why they did that.
Because you remember when Michael Brown got caught printing false stories about Iraq on the front page of his newspaper?
Remember that?
And he led us into an illegal war.
Remember?
And then Michael Brown wouldn't even call torture torture up until like two minutes ago.
Remember that?
He was really no angel, that Michael Brown.
New York Times, way to go, nailing it.
Mainstream news media, nailing it.
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
We got a lot coming up.
Black guys are carrying guns in Texas.
Look out.
All hell is breaking loose.
Plus, Steve King, he knows what's happening in Ferguson, and it's not racial profiling.
Plus, Ben Stein also knows what's happening in Ferguson.
Turns out, who's the victim?
The answer just may surprise you, or will it?
Plus, we might get to that Megan McCain thing.
Plus, rapper Boots went on Fox News.
And oh boy, look out.
Stuff happened.
Plus, a lot, lot more.
Well, plus, we got phone calls today from, well, the whitest guy, the white guy from every black comedian stand-up act, he calls in today.
Plus, we got Mitt Romney calls in today.
That's right.
Lee Neeson.
Oh, Liam Neeson calls in today, and a lot lot more today on the Jimmy Door show.
Stick around.
Stick around.
Benghazi, the fragrance so captivating, they'll never want to let you go.
Benghazi, mysterious, preoccupying, infatuating.
Benghazi.
Watch them go from grasping for straws to grasping for you with a new scent that will drive right-wingers to distraction.
Benghazi.
Tonight, make something out of nothing and let that special someone finally get to the bottom of you with Bendazi.
*laughter*
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, so now we all remember the Clive and Bundy scenario down in Texas where the cops came for him and they all showed up with their assault rifles.
And guess what?
Glifton Bundy's still not in jail and he still has his cows and all this stuff.
So it turns out if you come at the government with rifles and stuff and the NRA is going to back you and Fox News will back you and everything.
And it turns out, I was like, boy, everybody always says, what if black guys did that?
What if black guys showed up with those rifles?
Well, guess what happened?
There's a group of Black Panthers called the Huey P. Newton Club, right?
And they're in Dallas, Texas.
And they decided to do an open carry rally.
And well, here's a little bit of video from that right now.
Perfectly legal.
Justice for Michael Brown.
Justice for Michael Brown.
Justice for Harry Corn.
Justice for Harry Brown.
No longer will we let the fish slaughter brothers and sisters and not say a dad of sending them right.
That's what Justice for Harry Corn.
Justice for Harry Brown!
So now they're yelling justice for Michael Brown, justice for the guy who was choked in New York City.
And he said, no longer will we let pigs shoot us and not respond.
And they're like, and they're all got, they all got, they look pretty, you know, they look like Black Panthers, right?
And first of all, very smart to wear black because very slimming.
Very slimming.
That really is the mistake of the militia movement.
It's the all the camouflage.
Not flattering.
Not flattering.
And yes.
And I got to tell you, I'm with, I feel like I'm so happy to see this.
These black guys with guns.
It's like someone's tickling me from the inside.
That's how good I feel because you knew this was coming.
Thank God it came finally.
Like, I don't understand when those people in Ferguson weren't all carrying guns, right?
That's what we were talking about.
Why aren't they all open carrying?
That's what they should be doing.
Why isn't the NRA there saying they should open carry?
And when the cops shoot a tear guy, they don't just blow the.
So here they are.
They're down there.
They're in Dallas.
They got their guns out.
And a lot of people know any predictions, Frank, on this video?
Any predictions on the there.
So there was 30 armed to the teeth Black Panthers out marching in the streets of Dallas.
What could possibly go wrong?
Well, you know, considering their love of gun rights down there, I would assume that they just let them walk and didn't make any kind of fuss about it because they love gun rights there, right?
Yeah, well, they're open carrying in a rally for justice, Frank.
They're not open carrying in an Chipotle.
So I don't consider them legitimate.
You know, unless Black Panthers graze on federal land, I'm sure there's going to be a strong response to this.
You know what I'm saying?
Well, let me just say this.
So a lot of people, or some people, when they saw this video, they say, oh, now there's going to be gun legislation.
Finally, now they're going to pass gun laws.
And I said, what?
Because black people have guns?
You think they're going to pass gun laws?
The NRA is thrilled that these Black Panthers are out there with their rifles.
That means Whitey's going to buy even more guns.
And then Blackie's going to buy even more guns.
And everybody's going to be armed to the teeth.
And they're going to be making money hand over fist.
And you go, and you go, why won't they pass laws?
No, no, no, no, no.
What's going to happen is the cops are going to go, if this keeps up, they're going to go to that Black Panther club wherever they get together, wherever their club headquarters is, in the treehouse or wherever it is, and they're going to kill them.
That's what's going to happen.
They're going to start shooting them.
And I don't know if you remember, but in the 60s, that's what they did.
And they just say, hey, they shot first.
They're going to go, yeah, yeah, yeah, we were just there, you know, to serve a warrant, and then they shot first.
And that's because I foresee guns being when I see Black Panthers open carrying assault weapons in Dallas, you know what I think?
I foresee guns being pried from cold, dead hands.
That's what I foresee.
I don't know about you.
I prophesize That the Huey P. Newton Club headquarters will someday be greeted by a government response that will set the new standard since Waco.
This is my prediction.
Give the Black Panthers credit, though, right?
They're out there.
They're doing it.
They know what's coming.
And they're doing it anyway.
And I say, bravo.
Bravo to them.
But it's coming.
If you guys keep doing this, and if you actually start scaring people, they're going to come and kill you.
Just so you know.
A lot of gun stores are having race war sales now.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I hear the sound of gun sales going through the stratosphere from paranoid Turner diaries readers.
There really aren't any other kinds of Turner diaries readers, says the paranoid one.
No one just like casually reads that.
Actually, it's weird because I went out and bought a gun after I read the nanny diaries.
*laughter* *music*
So I'm watching this Fox News.
Actually, this clip was sent to me.
And I was watching, there's a rapper called Boots Riley.
He's a communist rapper, a black guy, and very, you know, socialist, communist, about power through the people.
And they're doing this big festival.
So they're having a big news festival.
So the local Fox station morning news show has him on with one of the organizers of the festival.
There's a woman sitting over on his, he's in the middle.
There's two women on each end.
And the women on his woman on his left is one of the organizers.
The other one's the Fox News host.
And by the way, he's a rock star.
He's a star.
He's seditious.
He is exactly going against the man.
He is doing exactly what a good rock star is supposed to do.
He's an anti-anti-establishment man.
Yes.
That's what you're supposed to do.
Exactly.
Yeah.
With the kids' music.
So she asks him about, here's what she says to ask Tell CC here.
Well, Boots, tell us a little bit about your band and the lineup that people are going to hear today.
Well, we're a punk funk slash communist revolution band.
Okay.
We're a punk funk/slash communist revolution band.
Okay.
All right.
What do you think they're saying in her ear right now?
What do you think they're saying?
Shut him off.
Shut him off.
Wrap it up.
And we are from Oakland, California.
And we make everybody dance while telling them about how we need to get rid of this system.
How exploitation is the primary contradiction in capitalism?
And that if we want to express our power, we're going to have to be more radical in our actions.
We're going to have to be able to withhold our labor collectively to be able to demand and affect the changes that we need to make.
Okay, so but people are going to hear from a whole lineup of bands today.
No!
Wow.
If you can go watch that video, watch it.
That interviewer will never ask anyone to tell her about their band ever again.
Ever again.
Hey, where does Boots Riley get the nerve to answer that interviewer's question?
So all it took was a 50-second interview to blow the Fox 8 in Cleveland's mind.
50 seconds.
That's all that was.
That was it.
After the show, the producer of the Fox 8 in Cleveland sent an angry email to the festival organizers that said, and I'm quoting: Fox 8 was not the time or opportunity for Boots to go into his political rant.
With his statements, he not only hurt our station's credibility, but also the festivals.
I was looking to do a fun interview, and it turned into something entirely different.
We will not be reaching out for any interviews in the future.
And it says here that, so Boots says the letter is very telling about the intended function of mainstream media outlets, which it is.
Meanwhile, so to me, it's just like, yes, his statements hurt our station's credibility of being a station with no credibility.
You can't, the producers quickly assured their viewers that they won't allow anyone to truthfully answer a mild-mannered question on their show ever again.
They couldn't have taken 10 minutes to look up who this guest was to find out.
That's, of course, what he's going to say.
Of course, that's what he's going to say.
How is that not fun?
That's what the guy's about.
Who cares?
That's what he's about.
He's a musician at this festival.
Who cares if he's a communist?
So if that Fox producer thought that was a political rant, they should maybe introduce that producer to what happens on Fox News every night.
And if that producer thought that was a political rant, maybe somebody should introduce them to a political rant on the Jimmy Door show.
That's a political rant.
Okay.
What would be fascinating is if they asked like Brittany Spears, what's your music about?
Because she would have no answer at all.
This guy at least had an answer.
Like, this is what we do.
My music is about something.
Here's what it's about.
And that's, and those producers think their viewers, their Fox News viewers, can't handle the truth of what Boots Riley's band really is.
Right.
They can't handle that truth.
We can't handle it.
You can't tell our viewers what his band is about.
They'll go crazy.
Right.
That's it.
That's it.
And by the way, were a lot of Fox 8 viewers going to that festival in the first place?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Fox 8 viewers, right?
Well, it was good work on the part of the festival's publicist to get them booked on that show.
But the people on the show had no idea who they were talking to.
But you know what?
The reaction of that producer, I'm sure, if Boots Riley had said that exact same thing on the Today Show or Good Morning America or Charlie or Charlie Rose's morning show, they would have gotten the exact same reaction.
They would have freaked out to have that kind of thing talked about on any kind of regular television show.
Right.
But they would have at least been quiet on the back end.
This guy made the mistake.
Oh, but they wouldn't have sent a letter.
No.
They would have freaked out.
It would have been quiet.
I think that because if, say, it had been a Matt Lower interview on the Today Show, and he had said that, and it went off exactly the way we just heard that, I think you would have heard a public apology from the producers of the Today Show that they allowed that on the air.
I don't think, I think the Gun MSNBC would apologize.
Yeah, I think Melissa Harris Perry already did apologize for it.
Right.
But I'm just saying that.
No, you're correct.
You don't hear stuff that radical on political shows.
No, you're correct.
You never hear anyone on any political show describe themselves as a communist.
Right.
Or tell them that what we need to do is have the workers withhold their labor.
Right.
I think that's a great idea.
It just reminds me that, you know, the scene in the doors where the producer from the Ed Sullivan show is like, can you change a couple of lyrics?
Can you not say higher?
Like, I mean, these are the squares.
Yes.
This guy is doing what he's supposed to be doing as a rock musician.
He's being seditious.
He is undermining the dominant paradigm.
Well, on the same token, I mean, you don't see a lot of that in rock and pop music anymore either.
You don't see a lot of it.
No, there's not a lot of soul.
A lot of rock or pop act who have that kind of strong political point of view.
Most of pop stars that you see on any of these shows are just going to say, yeah, it's going to be a really fun show.
We're going to play our history.
We hope everybody comes down.
Yeah.
And to me, it's just very indicative, not just from pop stars, but from climbits and politicians in general, how we don't hear a lot of different voices on TV.
No.
Definitely not.
That guy, what he said was not that crazy a thing to say at all, I don't think.
But it was very unusual to hear it on a mainstream television show.
Yeah.
And all you got to hear was 50 seconds of it.
That was it.
That was all the time they gave for him.
Yeah, that would be.
I would love to hear more of this guy.
I would too.
Let's get him on this show.
All right.
All right.
Let's do that.
I'll call our booker.
So I'm here with comedian Ron Babcock, who is hilarious.
He always makes me laugh.
You heard him on today's show already being hilarious.
Ron, you're doing a special tour.
Tell people about it.
I'm leaving LA on September 12th, coming back December 12th.
And yeah, driving from LA to New York and back, stopping at almost everywhere in between.
Skipping comedy clubs, doing all the indie rooms, and I'm doing the whole thing in a 1975 vintage Mercedes-Benz.
Oh, now, is that some kind of a special idea that someone had, or is that just kind of all you could afford?
No.
My buddy owns a Mercedes restoration company.
Really?
And he's like, he's like, what if I sponsor you?
And I was like, what does that mean?
He's like, you know, you just pick one of the cars and drive it.
And I'm like, that's, I mean, I drive a 99 Honda with 228,000 miles.
So I was like, that sounds like a fantastic idea to go out and drive an even older car.
And yeah, he's going to send me out.
And I'm just, it's Mercedes Motoring.com.
The good people at Mercedes Motoring.com.
Oh, really?
That's what it's called, Mercedes-Benz.
Can you get him to put satellite radio in the car?
It'll make the trip a lot better.
Actually, what he does is he's like one of those guys who, you know, you have those friends who just are really OCD and extremely detail-oriented.
That's who you want, like working on your, like fixing a computer, and that's who you want restoring a car.
Because he strips down the entire car right down to the metal like chassis and just redoes everything.
They bought like the old original fabric, and he has a guy who upholsters new seats, and they put in a little like really like a line that you could plug your iPhone into right in the middle.
But it's designed so that it looks like it's been there since the 70s.
I mean, he spends so much time on these things.
It comes out looking like it just got done from the factory.
That's cool.
So it looks like they're made out of ice cream, all the different colors of the car.
So you are clearly being sponsored.
You mean by the good people at MercedesMotoring.com?
Now, is it a biodiesel or is it straight-up diesel?
This is a straight-up diesel, but you can convert.
If I end up keeping this car, I think I might convert it to biodiesel, but I don't know.
I need to read up on that to figure out.
And so when does this start?
This starts September 12th, and then I'm going like, you know, down to San Diego.
So you're going to go to San Diego.
Do you have a place picked out?
Oh, yeah.
I'm doing that Lestats coffee shop down there.
Okay, so we're heard in San Diego.
What?
Yes, we're here.
We're in Santa Barbara.
We're in China Lake.
We're everywhere.
Come on.
We're in Riverside.
You're in China Lake.
That's right, baby.
Yeah, I'm going to be in San Diego, Lestats coffee shop.
The whole schedule is at Heyron.com.
Okay, are you going to play the Ferguson Laugh Factory?
Drive around.
It's a tougher room than you'd think.
So that's good.
He'd start in San Diego.
You're headed out to Phoenix and Albuquerque, Denver, going to hit Omaha, Minneapolis, Chicago, like probably Cleveland and Cincinnati, Scranton, where I'm from.
Sure, Scranton.
Sunbury, Sealands Grove.
I'm coming for you.
And like New York, D.C., and then all throughout the South.
Okay, so if you're close to any one of those venues, I highly recommend the comedy of Ron Babska.
I'm bringing the heat on this one, Jimmy.
You are hilarious.
Got any special guests you're going to hit me?
You know, I'm actually doing most of it by myself, but Grant Party is going to join me.
Yeah, because stand-up comedy isn't isolating enough.
You want to go out and do it.
You don't want to have anybody open for you or hang out with you.
You want to be only by yourself.
You want to go entertain people you're not really talking to and then go home by yourself.
I'm going to have friends in all the places I go, but I actually like long road trips by myself.
Oh, yeah.
You got a dog or anything?
No, nothing.
Just my thoughts.
I have three.
You could take one.
Okay.
I got one in particular in mind.
That sounds like a terrible offer.
Totally.
By the way, what you described is the plot line to the hitcher.
That's how it starts.
Just letting you know.
Is that Rucker Howard?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ron, tell me, what kind of comedy do you do?
That's my least favorite question when people say that.
My response is always, you know, like relationships.
I do some silly stuff.
I do the funny kind.
What kind do you guys like?
I do the funny kind.
I like prop comedy.
No, it does pull out props.
I do have some, I do have some bits I like to refer to as kind of weird.
You only pull them out with audiences that are like, you know, cool.
Yeah, like what kind of stuff do you talk about at your?
I'm trying to set you up for a joke, Ron.
Well, Jimmy, I'll set you up.
What would you like me to ask you about?
Your beard, your data, your dating?
You got a car?
I always hate doing that, going on morning shows, and then all of a sudden, well, you know the hard thing about having a beard, Jimmy.
What is the hard thing?
Well, if it gets too long, it's a hallmark of depression.
And you know, it's too long when people go, hey, I really like your beard to, hey, a beard.
How are we doing?
And it's going to be like 45 minutes of that.
Okay.
The radio coming up to the top of the hour, just checking in.
Yeah.
But it's at 6.45, 15 minutes before the top of the hour, 7 o'clock.
We're going to talk traffic and weather.
We're going to give you the time two ways for the rest of the day.
I love the way they only hit one word in the Senate.
15 minutes to the top of the hour.
You always got to know how to pop the right word.
It's all about, you know, because what they say is jokes ain't shit.
It's delivery.
All right.
So Ron Babkai, we're looking forward to your tour.
Is there a name for it?
Yeah, I'm going to call it Benz It Like Babcock.
Ah, instead of Bend It like Beckham, Benz it.
Yeah, I thought it'd be fun to name it after a movie that was out 12 years ago.
It's a fairly obscure 1999 movie that's got an Indian teenager living in London.
I feel like there's so many connections.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's going to go over huge in Omaha.
Yeah, huge.
Oh, the people in Phoenix, culture vultures.
Are you kidding me?
Whole thing is at Heyron.com.
Hey Ron.com.
The Parminder Nagra Fan Club is going to turn out for you all over America.
They are doing a very similar tour called Frank Bonnet Tapes the DM.
That's great.
All right.
Hey, Jimmy, I want to know how I could support this awesome, crazy podcast, but I don't want to spend any money.
Is there a way I can do that?
Yes, there is.
The next time you want to buy something from Amazon.com, if you use our Amazon.com box, it's a great way to help support the show that doesn't cost you any money, and it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon.
So the next time you go to Amazon.com, think about the Jimmy Door show and go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on our Amazon box, which is right on the front page.
It takes you to Amazon.
And then when you buy something, they send us money.
It's just that easy.
And I have to explain it because even Gilbert, my tech guy, wasn't sure how it worked.
Maybe it's his youth.
I'm not exactly sure.
So that thanks to everybody who does that already and thinks about the Jimmy Dore show when they buy something from Amazon.com.
It sure does help support this show.
And a big shout out to our buddy Sean James, who can help fix your Macintosh.
He helped fix mine again this week.
So send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
He'll help you fix your Macintosh right over the internet.
It's amazing.
All right, let's get back to the second half of the show.
How are you?
All right.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
We got a lot of great stuff coming up with the second half.
I'm not going to talk like this anymore, but Liam Neeson calls in.
That's going to happen.
Someone else calls in.
Oh, Mitt Romney.
Let's get back to the second half.
Okay, guess what?
Guess what?
Mitt Romney's in the news, and he was talking on the phone.
I want to play, I'll play it for you.
They asked him on a radio interview if he's thinking about running.
Really?
I have had the chance of running.
I didn't win.
Someone else has a better chance than I do.
And that's what we believe, and that's why I'm not running.
And, you know, circumstances can change, but I'm just not going to let my head go there.
I remember that great line from Dumb and Dumber where the.
So you're telling me I have a chance.
There you go.
You remember.
You're telling me I have a chance.
That's one out of a million.
So let's see if we can get him on the phone.
Let's see if we can get Mitt Romney on the phone here, shall we?
Hey, it's Jimmy Doer.
Is this Mitt?
Hello.
Jimmy, how the heck are you?
I've been, you know, I've been busy, buddy.
How about yourself?
Hey, I read your new book.
Really funny stuff.
Oh, really?
Thank you very much.
I left my keyster off.
Your keester?
You really nail it.
That Luke Russert is such a okay.
That's not the kind of language.
That's not how we talk on this show.
That's not funny.
It's not funny at all, Mitt.
Listen, how are things?
How are things going otherwise, pal?
Can I hear from you?
Oh, good, I guess.
What's the matter, Mitt?
You sound a little bummed out, buddy.
What's going on?
No, it's just that the first two days of Burning Man got canceled because of rain.
And so I got stuck in Las Vegas.
Mitt, I don't believe it.
You go to Burning Man.
You, Mitt Romney, go to Burning Man.
Tell me why you are.
Oh, yeah.
I take the boys and we minister to the druggies, hippies, and Democrats.
I came last year.
He loved it and learned what Ainalingus was.
That was a weird move.
Okay.
Okay.
Listen.
So, Mitt, people are all sad because the Republican presidential candidate Hopefuls look troubled.
People are mentioning you for president, but you say you're not running.
Oh, good lord.
No, I'm not running for president again.
Really?
I am 100% not running.
Really?
I had my chance, and the darkies rejected me.
Okay, listen.
Yes.
Yes, Mitt.
Black people and Hispanics overwhelmingly did not vote for you.
That is true.
They were very prejudiced against me because I'm white.
No, I don't think so.
And I want them all thrown out of the country and stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's probably it.
Yeah, you're Spitballer.
He's come up with some ideas.
Listen, look, people are talking about you being president, but you sound like you're being wishy-washy about running for president.
Now, are you or aren't you running for president?
I can assure you that I am not running for president.
Take that to the bank and deposit it in my not running for president account.
It's tax-free.
Okay, listen, Mitt, when you say you're not running for president, the interview on the radio the other day, you like left the door open.
Oh, well, Jimmy, as I said, I'm not running for president, and that's for sure.
Unless, of course, circumstances change, and then we'll reassess.
What did you just say?
Did you say you might run?
Absolutely not.
Not running.
Unless there's an unforeseen change in the political landscape.
Might put my family through that meat grinder again, sure.
Meet, Mitt.
I just want you to admit.
Mitt, I just want you to know that what you're saying underneath your breath, that everybody can hear what you're saying.
You know, we can hear you what you're saying.
Well, of course you can hear me.
We're on the phone with each other.
Yeah, no, I mean that stuff you say at the end of your sentence.
You kind of think you're whispering, but I can hear it.
It says you're going to run again.
Oh, look, what a treat.
I thought I was talking with Jimmy Dore, but it turns out I've been speaking with Marvel superhero Blue Ear.
He's my favorite.
Okay, listen.
That is a real thing.
Okay.
Well, listen, Mitt.
Tell me, what are those circumstances that would need to change for you to run for president again?
What are they exactly?
Oh, I don't know, Jimmy.
As a politician, I learned to never say never and to leave doors open, even though that's a waste of electricity.
So I don't know precisely what outlandish, crazy circumstances there would have to be that would make me run again.
But it would have to be pretty, you know, an out there scenario.
Let's put it that way.
Okay, out there scenario like what, Mitt?
Oh, I don't know.
Something crazy.
Crazy like what?
Like if all the popular Republican governors running for president were to be, I don't know, say they were all under federal investigation or indicted or something.
Something totally far-fetched like that.
Hey, Mitt, you know that that's what's happening right now, buddy.
That's happening, actually happening right now.
Oh, huh?
What's this now?
Yeah.
Yes, that's happening.
Come again?
Yeah.
What I'm telling you right now.
Well, for instance, let's just start at the top.
Rick Perry's been indicted.
You know about that.
Oh, yeah.
So he is.
Hey, he's not gay, right?
Yeah, no, he's not funny when you say that.
It's not funny at all.
It is to me.
Okay, it's not funny when you say that.
It's not funny at all.
Mitt makes everything funny.
Yeah, no, but that's not funny, Mitt.
But listen, now let's talk about Governor from Virginia, McConnell, right?
Bob McDonald's.
Is that how you say it?
McDonald's.
He was forced.
It's so bad that he was forced.
Him and his wife had to force it.
They hated each other so much that they didn't talk to each other.
And that proves that they couldn't collude in getting bribes taken.
So that's how bad it's gotten for him.
I mean, that guy, he's it's so he's he's not a lot looking good for him, right?
Hey, that guy looks like a nice white Republican, but something about him I don't like.
Like, what is it that gives me?
he gives me the creeps?
Really?
Why?
Why does he give you the creeps?
Probably because he was poor.
He's the governor of Virginia, and you're telling me he's poor.
What do you mean he's poor?
Oh, he didn't look it, which is nice.
And why we let him to be a Republican.
Why, because he didn't look poor, but how is he poor?
But think about it, Jimmy.
He was so poor that he had to take bribe just so he could have a nice watch and fly in jets and stuff.
He had to take bribes so he can fly in jets and have watches and stuff.
What a loser.
What, what?
You'd never catch me taking a bribe.
Why?
Because you're not corrupt.
No, I'm already super rich from bankrupting companies and ruining people's lives.
I don't think bribes, Jimmy.
I make bribes.
That's the Republican way.
And how about Governor Walker up in Wisconsin?
He's under investigation.
Well, I'll be.
Yeah, and what about Chris Christie?
He's under investigation, you know, with all his troubles.
I mean, everybody seems to be under investigation.
What a crazy circumstance that's developed here.
Yeah, yes, yes, Miss.
I just need to find someone to kill Paul Ryan, and we're good to go.
What did you just say?
Gotta go, Jimmy.
The dog has diarrhea again, so I'm gonna drive on the freeway with him on top of my car and literally scare the shit out of him.
Why are you telling me this?
Just wanted to remind you what a complete fucking asshole I am.
Take care, Jimmy.
And see you on the campaign trail, sweetleaf.
Okay.
Okay, Mitt Rodney, everybody.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
So guess who decided to drop in and give us a little 4-1-1 on what's happening in Ferguson?
It's our old friend Ben Stein.
You know, Ben Stein.
He's the auto-touch, super-rich white guy who likes to talk about stuff he doesn't know anything about.
Well, guess what?
He did it again.
He's the guy that stole that show, Win Gertrude Stein's Money.
Which was kind of lame, but...
But you know what?
A show is a show is a show.
What I liked about Ben Stein, that is correct.
What I like about Ben Stein is that he decided to give us an example of how a nice white people are raging racists but pretend not to know it.
Okay, so here we go.
He was talking about Ferguson and who's the real victim here.
I mean, Michael, sir, he was unarmed.
That's what I thought.
I thought Michael Brown was unarmed.
Ben Stein got a little more inside information.
That it is standard, perceived as standard procedure for white policemen to kill unarmed black teenagers.
Now, first of all, it isn't standard procedure.
It's an extremely rare thing that happens.
Except that it happens every day somewhere else.
We're reporting it.
You mean unarmed black kids getting shot happens all the time.
He doesn't understand the phrase extremely rare.
He doesn't.
No, he doesn't understand that that's extremely rare.
And by the way, you can't.
By the way, there aren't any statistics that you can find.
Well, what are the statistics on how many unarmed black kids get shot?
They don't keep those statistics.
The statistics they keep is if it's a justified shooting or not.
And guess what?
They're all justified.
And they're also not.
Guess what?
So there are all the shootings.
So in Houston, for instance, of all the shootings they had, there was like 80 black guys shot.
They were all justified except one.
And why was that one not justified?
Because there was a video of it.
The FBI, the FBI says that the statistic, they're supposed to send statistics to the FBI if you're a local law enforcement.
They don't keep it.
They don't do it.
They don't.
And the FBI won't investigate it even unless something like this happens.
Right.
So the FBI, like the statistics they keep are relatively meaningless.
Because they're highly inaccurate.
Completely.
And by the way, not for nothing.
The ATF wanted to keep statistics on gun violence in this country, and Congress stopped by law.
Stop them just keeping gun statistics.
Just so you know, that's another thing the NRA thinking.
So Ben Stein goes on.
He says, by the way, it doesn't happen.
It's not happening all the time.
Black kids getting shot.
And who would know better than Ben Stein, who's not a reporter and doesn't know anything about anything?
Who, by the way, was part of the Nixon administration?
Was part of the Nixon.
Who would know better?
The Southern strategy.
Yes.
Who would know better than the guy who worked for the administration who invented and implemented the Southern strategy?
Ben Stein.
Second, the idea of calling this poor young man unarmed when he was 6'4, 300 pounds, full of muscles.
Apparently, according to what I read in the New York Times on marijuana, to call him unarmed is like calling Sonny Liston unarmed or Cassius Clay unarmed.
I mean, he wasn't unarmed.
He was armed with his incredibly strong, scary stuff.
Yes, he was.
He wasn't unarmed.
I don't know if you noticed, but both of his arms had scary black skin on it.
When Ben Stein says that, was he sitting in a nice, comfortable couch?
Because that was some casual racism right there.
Wow.
That was some pretty casual racism.
Hey, I don't know if you know, but if you're black, you're not unarmed, especially if you're 300 pounds.
Exactly.
If you're black.
You're saying he had his big, scary, 300-pound body.
So that's a fair fight against that, I guess, would be a Glock.
So if you're a 300-pound black guy, which I don't.
So is Ben Stein in trouble now because he revealed exactly that he's a racist?
A lot of people are perceiving this incident.
How could Michael Brown be considered unarmed?
He's got two arms, you guys.
He's got two arms.
Come on.
He's full of big, scary muscles.
I like how he doesn't say what he says.
He's full of big, scary muscles.
You know what he wants to say?
He's full of big, scary black skin, you guys.
Come on.
The guy's totally black.
Totally.
You know what?
In the 70s, Ben Stein coward is here.
Anytime he saw Shirley Henfield on TV.
I like how he goes, it's not standard procedure.
Really?
I didn't know it's standard procedure to consider people of a certain height and certain weight who smoke marijuana to be armed and dangerous.
Who's on marijuana?
They throw in the marijuana.
You know who else is on marijuana?
Newt Gingrich.
You know who else is on marijuana?
Bill Clinton.
Barack Obama.
Who isn't on marijuana?
How do you say that?
Why don't you just say he's also on white bread?
He's also eating his vegetables.
And if he is on marijuana, What are they worried about that he's going to be dangerously mellow?
Yes.
Yes.
So he goes on.
He's got, I know for a fact who was really armed.
The cop who shot a jaywalking suspect.
That might be the guy who was really armed.
Okay, Ben Stein, though, he wasn't done.
He wants us to remember who the real victim of modern-day lynchings are.
Warning, not who you suspect.
Eric Holder.
Doing what he has asserted.
So the guy brings up Eric Holder's name.
Ready?
Here he goes.
He goes, watch.
Eric Holder.
Doing what he has.
And that's Ben Ryan.
Did Ben Stein just come when he mentioned Eric Holder?
Listen, I swear to God.
Eric Holder.
Doing what he has.
Yeah, yeah.
How do you spell that, by the way?
The third.
Does that not sound like he's got a rope around his neck and he's doing a little audio?
Well, you know what exactly that was?
That was Sideshow Bob getting hit in the head by a rake.
I'm just.
Yes.
By the way, no one who is a member of the Nix administration gets to criticize any attorney general ever, ever, ever again.
That's such a great boy.
Here we go.
Autopsy, going down there saying this is personal.
How on earth does a person get a fair trial when the top law enforcement officer in the country makes these remarks?
Yeah, he's afraid that the cop is not going to get a fair trial in Ferguson, Missouri.
That's what this guy's away.
So watch what Ben Stein says.
Well, he doesn't.
And of course, they don't want him to get a fair trial.
They're not looking for a fair trial.
They're looking for a lynching jury.
And it's a very sad state of affairs.
Yes.
Oh, what a good use of language, Ben Stein.
So what he's saying, Robert, is that the authorities in Ferguson, Missouri are slanting the case in favor of Michael Brown, not the cop.
Ignore everything you've seen.
Ignore.
Ben Stein is here to let you know that the system is being rigged in favor against the cop.
That's what's happening.
Can I point out that if what he said was true, and if they do get an actual lynching jury who ultimately decides that that cop should be lynched, at least that cop got a trial.
Yes.
Michael Brown is not cash.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, he goes on, Frank.
Listen to how bad it gets.
Wait.
It used to be there was a time, even in my youth, because I'm a lot older than you, when lynchings of African Americans were not that incredibly rare.
Yes, and you know who allowed those lynchings to happen?
The local police.
Yeah, the lynchings are the police.
And it's just an actual.
He's saying that now the police are the ones being lynched.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, you remember all those stories about all those African Americans lynching the cops.
You know those stories, right?
Yeah, we all know the story of the Scottsboro cops.
Yeah, yes.
Police are now lynched.
So you know all those, remember all those blacks lynched?
I never heard of something like that.
This is what Ben, he just, and the guy's agreeing with him like as if this is common knowledge or something.
And by the way, notice that in both this case and in Trevon, Trevon Martin's case, it's the very large so-called victim attacking a policeman who winds up dead.
I mean, it's an interesting.
Did you hear what he said about Trayvon and this guy?
It's the large so-called victim.
He called Trayvon and Michael Brown so-called victims.
You know how I know they're victims?
Because they're so-called victims because they're so-called for being dead.
They're dead.
That's how you know they're the victim.
George Zimmerman, still alive.
This cop in Ferguson, still alive.
No injuries.
That's how you know who's the victim.
You racist Ben Stein.
And by the way, George Zimmerman, applying for a job in the Ferguson Police Force because he knows there's an opening coming up.
There is an opening coming up.
For Ben Stein, our country is making progress because instead of African Americans being murdered in lynchings, they're being murdered by law enforcement officers.
So that's progress.
God, Ben Stein's.
For Ben Stein.
That is unbelievable.
So Ben Stein.
And that does not disqualify Ben Stein from public life.
Paula Dean had to apologize, not Ben Stein.
No.
Let's remember that.
Paula Dean, who has no power or influence, had to apologize.
Here we go.
Here's this guy.
He brings in the so-called victim, Trayvon Martin.
The kid had an iced tea.
This is Ben Stein.
He also said Skittles.
I mean, let's.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot.
Yeah.
Although, you know, let's be honest.
Paula Dean probably did kill more black people with her food.
That is probably fair.
So according to Ben Stein, Darren Wilson, a white guy who shot an unarmed kid six times for jaywalking and hasn't been charged with anything, that guy is the real victim in Ferguson.
Yeah.
*phone rings* Thank you.
Hello, it's Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy.
It is I, actor Liam Neeson.
Okay, Mr. Neeson.
Hey, listen, just so you know, you don't have to say actor every time you call.
Oh, don't I?
No, no, you don't have to say that every time you call.
Jimmy, as you know, I am an adopted New Yorker.
Yeah, I know that for sure.
Yeah.
Or I listen to your show at 3 a.m.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
We're not happy about that either.
Right after the Tibet Freedom Hour and before the Gregorian Chant early breakfast show.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I get it.
I know we're on a bad time.
And yet again, it is the finest radio program in the history of all things ever.
Oh, well, thank you very much for saying that, Mr. Neeson.
And of course, now you have a new book.
Oh, yes.
I'm glad you mentioned.
Thanks for bringing that up.
That's very sweet.
A book which I purchased at the Mother Goddess Feminist Bookstore on 111th Street and 3rd Avenue.
Really?
That's 100 and 3rd.
That seems like an odd place for a feminist bookstore, don't you think?
It is, Jimmy.
That it is.
It just seems like an odd place.
That's in Spanish Harlem, right?
That's an odd place for a feminist bookstore.
It really is.
Dorr's sense of the absurd enlightens the situation once again, Jimmy Dorr.
Yes, once again.
Yes, once again.
Well, listen, Liam, did you like the book?
Liked it.
I feel it should be mandatory reading for every person ever.
Oh, well, thank you very much for saying that, Liam.
That's very nice of you.
Thank you.
Jimmy.
Yes, Liam, I'm right here.
What do you got to say, buddy?
When are you going to come to a book signing here in New York City?
Well, you know, I don't really have one scheduled, and, you know, there really isn't the money To put something like that together.
Oh, Balderdash, Jimmy.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry, buddy.
But, you know, actual books, actual books don't make that kind of money for me to just go.
I see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, you know, I'll happily send you a signed copy.
Jimmy Door, that would be capital.
Happy to do it.
So, how are things with you, Liam?
Well, I'm in a new movie, Jimmy.
Oh, yeah, walk among the tombstones or walk among the tombstones.
It is called A Walk Among the Tombstones.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I do.
I play hard-boiled private detective Liam Neeson.
Yeah, that's your name.
Is it now?
Yes.
I get into crazy adventures.
And by crazy adventures, I mean a murderous rampage of revenge and street justice.
Boy, that sounds really exciting.
It will be coming to a cinema near you in a fortnight or so.
Look for it.
Okay, I will definitely look for it.
I will definitely.
I imagine you will, Jimmy Doerr.
I imagine you will.
Anything else on your mind?
Finally, I would like to announce the publication of my book of poetry.
Wow.
Liam.
I didn't know you were a poet.
That's great.
Well, Jimmy, all Irishmen are poets.
What with the starving and the alcoholism and our innate sense of meter.
Yes, I see.
I see.
My book is a single epic poem that poses the question: what if pet cemetery had taken place in Ireland?
Okay.
And what would have happened?
All of the dead children from our appalling infant mortality rate would return only to die again of poverty and story.
Well, it sounds great.
Really?
Allow me to read from Canto 72.
Okay.
Mr. Neeson, I really, I have to go.
I've got some things to do, buddy.
Honest.
Of course, Jimmy.
You have to go spread the gift of laughter.
The most precious gift of all.
Something like that.
Yeah.
And fly, magic bird.
Fly, I say.
Okay.
Liam Neeson, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow.
Bye.
Bye.
Joining us on the phone now is a very special guest.
Please welcome to our show the white guy from every black comedian stand-up act.
Hey.
Hello, Mr. Door.
Can I please inquire as to how you are doing?
I'm doing fine.
Thank you.
You may have noticed that I greeted you in a very stoic white guy kind of way.
If a black man had greeted you, he probably would have said, yo, what up, Jimmy Door?
Let's get jiggy and whatnot.
As you can plainly see, as a white man, my greeting towards you was different than what a black man greeting would have been.
Yes, I can see that.
So tell me, white guy from every black comedian stand-up act.
How's everything going?
Pretty good, Jimmy.
In fact, I just had sexual relations with an attractive young woman.
Okay, so do tell.
Well, as you might already know from what you've heard black comedians say about me, when I have sex, I'm all like, golly gee, this certainly is a feather flag intimate enhancer.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I was wondering if you could turn around so that I might enter your anal package.
And that is just the kind of hilarity you're going to find in this week's premium content.
We got a lot of stuff.
There's that, the white guy from every black comedian stand-up act.
He's going to be in the premium content this week.
Plus, lots of stuff on I talk about all the people have been criticizing my coverage of Ferguson.
I break that down.
By the way, just very quickly, I played that clip of Michael Brown in the convenience store, you know, the convenience store they said he stole cigars from.
But if you look at the video, looks like he could have been paying for the cigars.
And then, guess what?
The guy who owned the store didn't call the police and didn't file a police report and didn't want to give the cops the video.
So these are all, that's all information that the cops left off.
And that's why I said that.
Somebody's like, somebody was all about, hey, you don't know if he was paying for those cigars or not.
He could have, anyway, by the way, that's not the goddamn point.
I was showing you that video to show you how messed up it was that the police, A, showed it.
They framed it in a certain way.
They said a certain thing.
They didn't tell you that other way.
So I don't want to get more into it because I get into it in the premium content and I break it down and I explain all that.
So if you have a big problem with the way I've covered, by the way, and when you focus on the cigars, by the way, if you make that like that's an important point, I brought that up because it wasn't important.
And I showed you just how the cops are lying left and right.
And how it could just, how that videotape could easily have showed him paying for it too.
So we don't know what that videotape shows is my point.
Anyway, so I get more into it in the premium and I break it down.
And if you want to hear me do it, go ahead and get the premium.
Plus, we're going to have the white guy from every black comedian stand-up back there, plus the minimum wage thing.
There's a lot of stuff in this week's premium content.
How do you get it?
You go over to the Jimmy Doorcomedy.com, you click on premium, you make your $5 donation for the month, and then you get access to the premium content.
It's just that easy.
And only, what does that cost?
What is that, a quarter a week?
It's nothing.
And it's a great way to help support the show.
So, and everybody who's stealing the premium, you know, if that's the way you want to roll and you can't afford it, then I want you to have it, okay?
But if you can't afford it, this is your time to step up and help support the show.
Go click on premium, make your $5 donation.
Everybody's happy and you get all the bonus content.
Okay.
And don't forget, we're going to be adding a live studio audience to the Jimmy Door show.
That is happening.
So if you want to be part of that audience, send me an email at my old-timey email, JimmyDoor at Earthlink.net, and put in the subject line audience.
All right.
So I already have a bunch of people who've already emailed me.
And I have your emails.
So when that happens, we will contact you.
But also, if you'd still want to be on that list, so go ahead and send an email to me, JimmyDoor at earthlink.net, my old-timey email.
Okay.
Now, we all know that both sides do it.
Both sides do do it.
And I really do want to make a t-shirt that says both sides do it, but I'm not visually artistic.
I'm good with the words and the jokes, but visually it's not good.
So I'm thinking of having a contest.
People make their, you know, their ideas of both sides do it, and then we'd have to come up with a prize.
Obviously, I don't know what that would be.
But that's so good.
So just think about it.
All you people who are visually artistic and gifted, think about a t-shirt.
Both sides do it because I really want to do it.
That makes me laugh just about as much as anything in the world.
Okay.
Thanks to everybody who's left a review of the book over at Amazon.com.
It makes me feel good every time I see someone leave a review.
It's very nice.
So if you've read the book, I love when you tweet a picture of it to me.
That's always nice to see you reading it.
Also nice when you leave a review.
Okay.
Thanks, everybody who's done that and enjoyed the book.
And checked me out.
Hey, was over at Fox 11 in LA today.
They helped promote my book.
I was on in their five o'clock news hour.
That guy, they couldn't have been nicer.
Every person over there was, they knew about me.
They knew one, the guy read the book who interviewed me.
It was, they were all very nice.
Wow, what a great, it made me feel good about myself.
All right, that's it for this week.
You know, this show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Mark Van Landuitt, Robert Yasimura, and Steph Zamarano.
All the voices today performed by the one and only Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
Check out Hey Ron Babcock at Heyron.com.
If you live in a city in America, he's probably coming to it in his Mercedes-Benz.
So check out Rod Babcock.
Okay, that's it for this week.
I'll see the rest of you on the premium.
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