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Aug. 23, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
You know, you turn to any Sunday news show and it's 90% conservative.
Corporate mouthpieces or military people fulfilling their Sunday morning pledge to give voice to the wealthy and powerful.
The media is corporate, not liberal.
They serve the corporate interest first, last, and in the middle.
The news is funded by advertisers, corporations like Walmart, the drug companies, Citigroup, and Boeing.
Those are the people for whom the news is really prepared.
Yes, the very people the newsman is supposed to be investigating are actually the ones funding his investigation.
More accurately, they are funding the media's non-investigation.
Banks, defense contractors, and multinational corporations pulling the purse strings of the news.
Sounds like a regular liberal conspiratorial plot to me.
Yeah, the news media is liberal and being brought to you by multinational corporations, defense contractors, and oil giants.
Yeah, but they've done studies that show most people in the news voted for the Democrat last election.
So it's liberal.
Oh, sure.
If you don't vote for an obvious lunatic, then that proves liberal bias in the media.
It never crosses their minds that maybe John McCain and Sarah Palin were horrible candidates.
And ditto for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan.
And that maybe we take a cue from the voting habits of the most informed people in the country instead of dismiss them because it doesn't line up with uninformed opinions formed by internalizing corporate talking points constantly repeated and rarely debunked in the liberal media.
Here's a typical Sunday news show panel getting ready to express views of the regular American citizen.
Let's meet our powerhouse roundtable.
George Will, Jonathan Carl, General Wesley Clark, Gwen Eiffel, and Liz Cheney.
That was from ABC's This Week with George Snuffalupagus.
So let's just go through the panel.
That's a conservative journalist, a conservative reporter, a guy from the Pentagon, an African-American ardent defender of the status quo, badly playing the role of liberal, and Liz Cheney.
Well, you could get a better cross-section of America if you didn't try.
Sure, that's my voice.
If my voice is that of a corporate stenographer, millionaire conservative, or a defense contractor.
But if you're a part of the other 95% of the American electorate, sit back and enjoy the commercials.
���� It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for the kind of people It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's Archbognitz, Kevin.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined on the phone all the way from New York City in Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
Yay!
All right, across the glass from me, hilarious comedian host of Comedy and Everything Else on the new blog, The Miserable Liberal.
It's Steph Zamorano.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
I'm doing okay, Jim.
Across from her, a hilarious comedian, the curator of one of my favorite places to perform in Los Angeles.
And hilarious sketchwriter, it's everybody's favorite guy, Paul Kozlowski, the curator of the fake gallery.
Lay off.
Get off my back.
Nice to have you here.
Also, hilarious comedian and writer for the Jimmy Dore show.
You know him from Team Yasamura.
It's everybody's favorite, Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
How are you?
Very good.
Good to have you.
Let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
And, you know, I need some relief from all the violent images of urban blight I've been seeing on the TV the last couple of weeks.
So thank God the new Sin City film is opening.
That's kind of erodical.
Hey, by the way, I love summer.
I don't know about you guys, but this slow, languid, tranquil vibe of late summer is somewhat hindered by the fact that the world is a fucking shitstorm right now.
Kind of.
Hey, by the way, here's, now I don't know how to work this into my monologue, but I love this joke.
So I'm going to say something, Robert, and I need you to just ask me when.
Okay.
Okay, ready?
I need that new sci-fi time travel novel on my desk.
When?
Yesterday.
Come on, Paul.
You'd have to think about it that hard.
I think you should go back in time and maybe not tell that joke.
I like that.
Very funny.
There you go.
He was thinking of a funny.
Hey, by the way, Rick Perry, I don't know if you heard of big news.
He got indicted for abuse of power.
Shit, now I don't like him anymore.
I would want the news of Rick Perry's abuse of power should not distract us from his abuse of language, intelligence, and common decency.
Do not be distracted, okay?
Hey, by the way, Chuck Todd, it's going to be starting on Meet the Press or Press.
Thank God.
Thank God, right, Paul?
Oh, it's going to make all the difference.
All the difference of the world.
This Sunday is going to be started up.
Chuck Todd is going to usher in a whole new era of Meet the Press being no different than when David Gregory hosted it.
Isn't that nice?
It was nice of them to let David Gregory say goodbye.
It wasn't that nice of them to not let him say goodbye.
It was perfect.
All of it would have been for him to come on and say goodbye, would that be like his follow-up goodbye?
And since we know...
If I have a job and they give me $4 million to not talk about my losing my job, I'll be up to door today.
You'll have to put me back on.
Yeah, you give me $4 million.
I don't need to come back on TV either to say goodbye.
I was kind of hoping that he was going to dance the last show, like with all of his friends.
Yeah, like he did with Karl Rowe.
Yeah, maybe he'd bring out some, Yeah, you guys are acting like he's totally leaving the show.
You know, he's still doing craft service.
I think he comes in just to fluff his hair for people.
Actually, I heard that David Gregory is happy.
Now he'll get to spend more time not asking follow-up questions with his family.
I'll do it.
Frank Coniff, everybody.
Yeah, but hey, by the way, I've been watching the coverage of St. Louis and Ferguson on Fox News a lot, and they bring Mark Furman on.
By the way, a guy who has no experience in crowd control.
Yeah, and how complicated that is as an issue.
If you followed my career, you know, I have no experience in crowd control.
I don't draw.
I don't draw at the point I think.
So, okay, Robert, I'm going to tell you something.
You asked me, what is it?
Okay.
Hey, by the way, I just found out the name of the Ferguson cop who shot that unarmed black kid six times.
Really?
What is it?
It's Officer Shootie McRacist.
I think you made that up.
I'm pretty sure I read that on Twitter.
The McRacists are from the lowlands of Scotland.
Yes.
Okay, we got a lot of great stuff coming up.
We're going to check in with Ferguson and the cop who points a gun at you and tells you to get the F out of here.
I'll kill you.
We're going to talk about him.
Plus, we're going to check back in with that BS video that they showed of Michael Brown stealing cigars.
Turns out he wasn't stealing cigars after.
Oh my gosh.
Plus, really?
And we're going to talk about the new Republican candidate for governor in Minnesota and what he has to say about the minimum wage.
I think you can imagine.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Rick Perry calls in to talk about his indictment.
Plus, we got Barack Obama leaves us a message, and Luke Russert calls in to talk about everything.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Thank you.
Hey, Jimmy, it's Mel Gibson.
And I'll help you get right by a thousand hundred fucking niggas.
It is this.
Now, I mean, I mean, who am I calling?
Some cube, probably.
I got so many of them on speed dial.
I should call my phone Auschwitz.
Listen up, fucker, whoever you are.
I'm in a new movie called The Expendables 3.
I play the villain because that's what I've been relegated to.
Because evidently, the Jews in this town have formed an alliance with the blacks.
I knew they always would.
Don't be fooled.
I'm scumbill Gibson.
I act the shit out of this role, man.
Most people will be like, he was so good, I thought he was an actual supervillain.
But I'm not.
Okay.
Would a supervillain have millions of dollars and live in a compound with its own ultra-conservative church?
Would a supervillain believe in saving everyone through an ultra-strict interpretation of Catholic dogma?
No.
No, they wouldn't.
Anyone who says so is probably a homo.
I will round them up in a soccer stadium for execution when stage one of my plant begins.
Stage one.
In conclusion.
I see the expendables three.
Even you ethnic types should like it because it will use real small words and rest Wesley Snoy.
In the meantime, come and say good day to my dick.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
I've just been collecting some of my fun stuff that I've been watching from Ferguson.
When I say fun stuff, I mean stuff that refutes the idea that, hey, there's just a couple of bad cops in Ferguson.
It's not a problem with the culture.
By the way, stop saying that.
Okay.
If you go on Facebook and Twitter and you're like, hey, you know, most of the cops are good.
Stop saying that.
They're not.
Their cops are cops.
All right.
They become cops not to help their community, but because they like being cops.
Okay.
So that doesn't make them bad people necessarily, but there's a mentality of people who join the police force.
They like it.
They're not doing us a favor.
Okay.
That's what my point is.
All right.
They dig it.
They get off on it.
And if you've been watching Ferguson, you see who these guys are.
Okay.
They've done studies about cops.
There's two kinds of people drawn to the police force: bullies, people who are bullies and always in trouble, and people who were bullied.
Those are the two people that become cops.
And if you, I don't know if you know cops, but think about it for a second.
And every one of the cops I've ever met were one of those guys.
I was pulled over on the way here.
By a guy that was when I was juvenile, just a jerk in high school.
Yeah, that's who they that's so they've done studies.
Go ahead, Frank.
Since you're bringing it up, I actually was pulled over on the way over here.
And well, he let me off with a warning.
What was the warning, Frank?
He said, Don't see that new teenage hooting ninja turtle.
The guy who pulled me over.
He was like, you know, I pulled you over.
And I said, because I was speeding officer?
No, because you suck.
He didn't say that.
Then he asked me to step out of the car and gave me a wedgie.
Wow.
That's the kind of brutality we're talking about.
This is what I'm talking about.
These guys from high school.
These guys from high school.
So they've done studies about this.
I'm not making this up.
I'm not pulling this out of my backside.
But they've studied and they've found out that it's the people who were most affected by the rules.
So the bullies affected by the rules and the people who were being bullied also needed the rules to protect them.
So these are people who want to be in control of the rules.
And that's this isn't me talking.
These are smarty pants professionals.
And yeah, I mean, I can give you anecdotal evidence for every cop I know.
I know, I've got at least, I don't know, scores of friends from my old neighborhood.
In my old neighborhood in Chicago, there are three types of people.
There are firemen, cops, and criminals.
That's who live in my neighborhood, right?
And I was a criminal.
And I bricklayed during the day.
No, so this, I don't want to get off too far off on this, but now we're going to go watch some of the.
Here's a guy during some of the Ferguson protests.
And by the way, it's their constitutional right to protest.
You get to protest things, especially when you're upset and angry.
So this thing about why you got to yell, because that's what we do in America.
That's why we have the Constitution, because it's— Yes.
Jimmy, if you'll remember when all those tea baggers were protesting, the cops just beat the crap out of them.
Oh, you remember?
Remember down in Clive and Bundy's how the cops just swarmed them and started arresting them left and right and shooting the tear gas at them and rubbing.
Oh, they didn't do anything.
They didn't do anything because those people showed up with guns.
And I've said this before, Frank.
I used to be totally against guns.
And then when you look at stuff like this, it's like, oh, the only people here with guns are the cops.
Maybe that is not a good thing.
So I don't know how I feel about guns anymore, but I tell you this.
I know we got to de-gun the cops.
I'll tell you that.
Go ahead, Frank.
I'm glad that the NRA has spoken out so forcefully about how the protesters in Ferguson need to harm themselves and protect themselves from an intrusive government.
Yeah, why don't those people show up with open carry?
Why don't they do that?
I would just love to see that happen.
Where are those black guys with their rifles?
Why doesn't the NRA show up and start handing out?
Anyway, so here's a guy.
It might be hard to hear.
I'll put this up.
This is going to be posted as a YouTube video, right, on the Jimmy Dorse channel over at the Young Turks.
So check it out.
But I'm going to play this video.
You might be able to hear.
So there's a cop coming right at.
So there's people protesting.
And this guys are filming the cops with their cell phones like people do now.
Cop sees this, doesn't care, and comes right at the guy with his rifle assault weapon pointed right at people, pointed, and says, I will effing kill you.
Right, let's see if we can listen.
Here we go.
Oh my God, Gunray.
Gunray.
So, the guy, so you can hear the guy with the camera.
He goes, Oh, my God, the gun's raised.
The gun's raised.
Like, the cop's not walking with his gun pointed at the ground.
He's got it up, and he's pointing it at people.
There's a guy with a rifle on a city street in America, pointing a gun at people as they walk by.
Okay, that's what's happening.
Okay, and watch what he yells.
So, he's coming right at this guy with a gun, and the guy's going, my hands are up.
And he's got the, he's got his phone in his hand, and he goes, My hands are up.
This guy's coming right at him, right at his face.
I'm not kidding.
Okay.
And he's just kind of waving it around at people.
He's just kind of going like this.
He's just kind of wave.
He's got it up, and he's not at one person.
But everybody, whoa.
Okay, here we go.
And he's got, he comes right at the guy and he goes, I will fucking kill you.
After they just killed two guys in the last couple of days who were unarmed, right?
I will fucking kill it.
He says that.
Well, if they kill a third guy, they get a sandwich.
I think we all get a free pizza.
I think Pizza Hood is sponsoring that, right?
It's for the Clippers or something.
Anyway, so here, then they ask him what his name is.
You're going to kill him.
He says to the cop, you're going to kill him?
And the other guy goes, you just threaten to kill me?
Are you going to kill him?
They're asking this cop.
And watch what the cops.
What's your name, sir?
Did you hear that?
He goes, what's your name, sir?
He says the cop.
Cop says, go fuck yourself.
Now, I heard, I saw this on TV, Jimmy, and I didn't.
What if his actual last name was go fuck yourself?
That's what that's what I heard.
Maybe that's why he has all this angst.
Yeah, and that's why he's a cop.
He was picked on his whole life with that kind of a last name.
Larry, go fuck yourself.
Poor kid.
That's worse than what Zappa did to his kids.
You know, that's really bad.
So anyway, so that made it all of a sudden that, so that the guy, and by the way, he's being videotaped and he knows it.
It's almost like these cops in Ferguson feel like there's not going to be any repercussions or something.
And there's not going to be.
So that guy, oh, they, so they.
It's just like those ISIL guys.
They knew the camera's eye when they cut that guy's head off.
They do.
They do.
They're just dumb.
So that guy, so the NAACP made a big deal out of that guy, and they sent a letter to the police department asking him to take that guy off the streets.
And, you know, the good thing about community programs like the police department is that it keeps these types of guys on the streets.
Isn't that nice?
Hey, I say put that guy on jaywalking patrol and see what happens.
Right?
He's he really now.
Obviously, that guy just joined the police force to help his community.
Am I right?
Come on.
He definitely sounds like a peace officer.
What happens after that, after he says, I'm officer, go F myself?
Another cop comes by, grabs the barrel of his gun, points it down, and walks the guy away.
I didn't see that.
Yes, that guy is officer material.
Yeah, so that guy's like, like, you can't hear what he's saying, but he grabs the barrel of his gun and he points it down and he walks the officer away away from everybody.
Good.
And you're like, oh, well, here we go.
So maybe, so maybe.
Okay.
I heard that that cop, when he was a kid, he was inspired to become a policeman when he watched the Kent State shooting.
Yes, yes.
Well, it's nice to see that Lenny and George from Mice and Men are still friends and work with the St. Louis County Police Department.
Isn't that nice?
Hey, by the way, if he doesn't, if this cop doesn't have dead hookers buried in his backyard, then he's not properly taking advantage of the opportunities as a cop in St. Louis.
That's all I'm saying.
By the way, I wouldn't trust this guy to deliver a letter to the post office.
So why would Missouri trust him to protect our neighbors, right?
This guy's entrusted with protecting us.
And by the way, after seeing this genius, go ahead.
There's the expression, go postal, should probably be changed to go St. Louis PD.
Yes, that's what it should be changed to that.
And by the way, after seeing this genius with a gun, I think I'll take my chances with the criminals.
Okay?
So that was great.
That happened.
Yes, but these are isolated situations for the most part.
That I just have endless amount of videotape about.
By the way, they killed another kid, a guy in St. Louis.
He had a knife.
So the cops say, hey, no, this guy had a knife.
He was three feet from us and he was coming at us.
And then they just released a video.
And then the cops released the video to back them up.
It totally contradicts what they're saying.
And they're still standing by it.
They're still standing by it.
So there's a guy with a gun.
There's something wrong with him, right?
He has mental problems, which happens all the time.
And he's walking around the neighborhood with a knife.
And so there's people from the neighborhood out there and they're videotaping him like, hey, here's Crazy Joe or whatever.
Look at this guy being nuts.
Cops show up within like 10 seconds, shoot the guy dead seven times.
Within like 10, they get out of the thing.
They point, they go, the guy had to be at least 10 feet away from them with a knife.
And he wasn't even pointing it at them.
He wasn't even pointing the knife at them.
He had a knife in his hand and they just killed him.
They shot him after he fell.
They shot him seven times.
If only they had some kind of electronic device that sent off like electrical current.
So they asked him about that.
They go, why didn't you guys use your taser?
The cop's like, well, you know, there's two electrodes that have to go into the skin for it to work.
And he was wearing a jacket.
So I didn't really think of it.
So I thought I'd kill him.
So I thought I'd kill him.
The guy was wearing a jacket.
That's why he's dead.
He's a mental patient wearing a jacket.
That's why we had to shoot him seven times.
When do these guys go to the baton?
When do they go to the nothing?
Oh, they don't issue batons anymore.
Do they hire the weakest?
Well, they don't have nightsticks?
Pretty much no.
I don't think automatic weapons and tanks.
Let me tell you right now.
So she doesn't have batons anymore.
So really?
No.
So if you walk out, if you watch the cops get out of the car on the video, which I will show right now, you can see the cops get out of the car and they have their gun.
Uh-oh, someone's calling me.
Hold on.
Did you hear about that guy in a Walmart?
He was walking around with a toy gun from the toy section.
Yeah.
And they shot him.
It's like, God, maybe you guys shouldn't sell toy guns.
Maybe they shouldn't sell them.
So maybe the cops shouldn't shoot people who don't have guns.
So there was another example.
There was a kid in a Walmart.
He picked up a BB gun that they sell at Walmart.
He's black.
Someone calls the cops.
There's a guy in Walmart with a gun.
Cops show up, shoot him.
Jesus, shoot him.
Well, Jimmy, the cops in Ferguson shot that guy who was unarmed.
Or that one cop shot that One guy who was unarmed, and then there was this guy who had a knife, so they really wish they had had a bazooka for that.
Yes, they get out of the car with their guns drawn on the guy.
This is how we're going to solve this problem.
If he doesn't do exactly what we say, we're shooting him.
And that's exactly what happened.
The guy was not responsive to their commands.
He had a knife in his hand.
He was at least 10.
If you look at the video, he's at least 10 or 12 feet away from them.
And they laid into him seven bullets, kept shooting him out as he fell.
He's on the ground.
They shoot him again.
Well, they're trained to do it.
There's only one expression St. Louis TD aren't allowed to use.
They're allowed to say, I'll fucking kill you.
Go fuck yourself.
The one thing they're not allowed to say is, show's over, nothing to see here.
Ha ha ha ha.
*music* No.
you you Hey, everybody.
So guess what?
Our old friend, Governor Rick Perry, was indicted last week.
So I thought I'd give him a call, see how he's doing.
Let me see if I can get him on the line here.
Hello.
Come on, pick up, Ricky.
What?
Oh, is this Governor?
Governor Rick Perry?
Oh, thank God it's you, Jimmy.
I could use a boyfriend right now.
I'm not your boyfriend, Governor.
I'm not your boyfriend.
Jimmy, I'm so fucked.
Oh, God, I'm fucked.
And not the good kind where you have consensual sex.
The bad kind where I'm drawing an analogy between my situation and right.
Listen, Governor, I honestly don't think this is this indictment of you is going to go anywhere.
I don't see it happening.
Do you?
What do you think?
But I wanted to be president.
All super handsome and heroic looking.
Come on, Governor.
You could still be president, don't worry.
No, I'm Roger and the Keister here.
What?
You're Roger in the Keister here?
Governor, an indictment, it's not the same as a conviction.
You honestly expect people who vote for me to understand that difference.
No, I guess you see your point.
Did people vote for you once?
Man, I am totally getting hoisted on my own petard here.
Did you just say you're getting hoisted on your own petard here?
What exactly does that expression mean, Governor?
Can you tell me?
It's like if you made fun of a petarded kid and then later he came back with a bunch of other kids and, you know, lynched you.
Okay, that is definitely not what it means.
This kind of dog whistle shit.
I mean, this is our thing, man.
Where do the Democrats get off taking our thing and using it against us?
Okay, well, listen, Governor, could you explain this case to me?
Because I really don't understand it.
Well, Jimmy, you know how much I hate liberals, right?
Yeah, but what about what about me, buddy?
You hate me?
Well, you're one of the good ones.
Okay, thanks.
But otherwise, I hate them.
Okay.
Hate them, hate them, hate them.
They're like made of poop and devil juice.
Okay.
So, okay.
You know, Travis County is where they all live, right?
Travis County, that's where Austin, Texas is, Travis Coward.
That town is like, hey, you want some free cannabis with your late-term abortion.
Yeah, I don't think, I don't think they're like that.
They were the ones who prosecuted Tom DeLay.
Yes, the hammer.
That's right.
Yeah.
The hammer.
By the way, everyone thinks they call him the hammer because he was such a tough negotiator.
I'll tell you, Jimmy, that's not why the girls called him the hammer note of mine.
God, I hope I don't know what you mean.
So the Travis County DA.
Yeah, yeah, Rosemary Linkberg.
That's the hag.
She got caught drunk driving, which, like, I'll be honest, Jimmy, I didn't even know it was a crime.
It is.
It is a crime.
Well, I know it now.
Okay.
So I was all like that she should resign because it turns out that if she quit, I could appoint a new DA.
Right.
And I was going to appoint some kind of like Hitler youth, Joe R. Paiota.
She was all, I ain't going to resign.
And I was all like, oh, yes, you is.
And she was like, no, I ain't.
Okay, I think I got it.
I think I got it.
So around about that time, the spinny bit hits my desk, like that funded the public integrity unit for Travis County.
The public integrity unit.
And I was like, fuck it.
If that drunk Leslie doesn't want to resign, I'm going to veto this bill.
Okay.
And what was the money used for instead of her?
Some legal shit like the state, you know, cancer research funding.
Which you control, right?
You control where that funding went, correct?
Some of that money was maybe going to my campaign donors.
Yeah, okay.
So some of that money, I mean, you blocked that money for the investigation on you, right?
I mean, maybe.
Yeah, okay.
But that's what happened.
That really happened.
That's what happened.
Maybe.
Governor, come on.
Hey, I get to veto shit.
That's what I do, man.
I looked it up, and that is something I am totally allowed to do.
That's true, Governor.
I'm just saying it really doesn't look good, all right?
I don't care.
I'll veto like no one's walking.
That's how I express myself.
And then along comes this new Travis DA, Ronnie Earle, and he's like, I'm going to indict you, you big bad man.
I was like, go ahead.
And he was like, fine.
And he did it.
And now I'm not going to be president.
Oh, I think I understand.
I think I understand.
Hey, here's not going to bathhouses down the drain, man.
Well, Governor, I can see why you'd be upset about that.
Jimmy.
Yeah.
When are you going to come visit me?
Listen, I got to go, Governor.
We could do some tubing, maybe some paupers.
Yeah, listen, I think I'm not doing paupers, and I think I hear my wife is calling me right now, so I go to take off, okay?
Oh, her.
Well, all right.
Run off to your little wife, you know, with her the giner and all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Listen, Governor, it was great talking to you.
Thanks for taking time out.
Governor Rick Perry, I think.
PTFN Dorothy.
Okay, I don't know what that means.
I'll see you.
Bye-bye.
All right.
That was it.
Thank you.
Bye.
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Okay, now let's get back to the second half of the show.
There's some great fucking shit coming up.
Thank you.
*BEEP*
Jimmy Door.
It is me.
Kevin Honest was a nigga.
I'm in a new movie.
The Expandables 3, in which I reprise my role as I don't know.
Who doesn't actually do action guy?
I have to be honest, Jimmy Door.
When I did the first two Expandables movies, I didn't even know I was doing them.
I thought I was just talking to those guys.
It turned out I was totally acting the whole time.
But if you look at the outage, I thought I was just having a conversation with Cystallone about how clean at Hollywood was not a good thing we did.
And then he just sort of edited around it.
This is not good.
I should not be doing these things.
Cameos in these action movies.
Soon I'll be doing guest spots and law and order.
And maybe the love boat.
That's love boat.
Better be a panelist on Match Game PM.
I'll be on there.
Drunk.
Wearing a diaper.
Wishing I could just die.
Like a dirty puns.
I don't even understand.
Maybe if you could go see the Expandable 3, I would not have to do these things.
I would be able to do something dignified.
Like maybe revival on Boardware.
I don't know.
Maybe cat on a hot-tinned roof thing.
Bing thing.
I never played Big Daddy.
I never called me dead because of my giant muscles.
Never defeat Kenson, Corps and Ladies.
And when all of the truly whatever.
So go see the Expandable 3.
That will all happen.
I will not have to die wearing a diaphragm syndication.
Jimmy Door and Sippy audience.
Please do not let this happen.
Call the 800 number listed below.
Call now, you're fucking sheep.
No.
Okay, that was Arnold Dorsey.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
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It's really frustrating to hear people talk about the Ferguson situation in the wrong way.
So the cops, if you've been watching, are criminals top to bottom, from the police chief to the guy answering the phone at the Ferguson Police Department.
They're all racist criminals, okay?
I don't think that's a stretch.
And plus, they're the dumbest people in the world, right?
So do you remember when they released the video of the quote-unquote strong arm robbery that Michael Brown had committed right before that cop shot him dead in the broad daylight?
So they were, and they were, by the way, so I remember watching that, and I remember the police chief who I had seen speak on TV all week.
For some reason, he seemed extra nervous last Friday.
He was way nervous.
Like he couldn't get his story straight.
He was shaking.
He kept taking deep breaths.
And it was because he was re- Well, here, I'll play it for you.
Here's a little bit of what he said.
I've had a lot of sunshine requests, sunshine law requests.
Okay, so I'm going to get what this means.
So they knew this video.
By the way, the video shows Michael Brown paying for the cigars.
He pays for the pairs to be paying for the cigars.
He wanted more than he had money for.
He put more back on.
He dropped some.
They put some back on the counter.
They're walking out.
The guy comes running around from behind the counter and says something to Michael Brown.
What he says, I don't know.
And I don't know what Michael Brown says back, but then they leave.
That guy never called the police, never called 911.
That guy at the convenience store.
Never contacted the police.
Never filed the police.
Never contacted the authorities, never filed the police report.
Isn't it true that the authorities contacted him?
Authorities contacted him.
They went to his convenience store and said, we want the security tape.
He says, I don't want to give you the security tape.
And of course, the media, after reporting this and then finding out they were wrong, printed a huge retraction.
But so the cop knew.
So the police chief knew that he was going to give this information, which was wrong, which was damning, which muddies the waters about what happened in this situation, which he was instructed not to release.
Was Michael Brown a member of Acorn?
The Justice Department instructed the Ferguson police captain to not release that video because they knew it was going to cause a riot because they knew there was no reason to release that video because that video had nothing to do with him being shot.
But the cop wanted to release it to muddy the waters, knowing that people were going to see that press conference and not the one he did later that day, where he got called out for being a horrible person and doing the exact opposite of what he's supposed to do.
So they're inciting violence on purpose.
The Ferguson Police Department, like they've been doing all along, okay, all along, lying, attacking peaceful protesters, killing unarmed people, and now going against the Justice Department's instructions and releasing that video.
So that's why he was so nervous.
And I'll show you.
So listen to what he pretends that the reason the cop, the Ferguson police chief, pretends the reason why he had to release the video was because it's a law.
It's the law.
It's the, I have sunshine requests.
That's if you request to see the sunshine come through the head of the guy that just got yeah.
So here's the potential.
By the way, he was legally required to release the name of the police.
Of the police officer, but he didn't.
But he hadn't at that point.
Yes.
So the actual law he had not obeyed pretend law.
He was obeying.
He was that's right.
So, right.
So here we go.
The real law is you have to release The cop's name who's involved in a shooting.
And the reason why you do that, they go, but Jimmy, but that guy, they want to want to kill them.
Well, here's why you have to release the name of the police officer who shot somebody.
Because you can't police neighborhoods in secret.
And then you can't have agents of the government gunning down citizens anonymously.
See, that's the only thing that I disagree with that law.
I think it's an incredibly reactionary law.
Which law?
The law of saying you have to release the name of the police officer at such and such.
It's an incredibly dangerous thing to require of a police department.
So when someone gets accused of rape, do they keep their name out of the newspapers?
When someone gets accused of murder, do they keep their picture out of the newspaper?
Only a police officer, Robert, should be kept out of the newspaper.
I don't think any of those names should be released.
So you're in favor of keeping guys who shoot citizens' names secret.
Don't ask that.
I'm asking you a straight question.
Don't beg the question.
I'm asking a straight question.
I think that if someone's been accused and there has not been collected evidence, you're putting that person in extraordinary danger.
And that's why I don't think that an authority should be compelled by law to release the name of someone who is suspected and not convicted.
I think it's incredibly dangerous.
Yeah, I couldn't disagree with you more.
And you can't police the cities in secret, which is what you're advocating.
You can't police it.
You can't shoot people in secret.
You can't do it anonymously.
You can't police cities without information.
But let's say that the story comes out, and it turns out, okay, Michael Brown was armed to the teeth.
Let's just say that for the sake of argument.
This guy's name gets released the next day before all the facts are in.
And by the way, not for nothing.
We are more than two weeks out and we don't have the facts of this case.
That's because of Ferguson Police Department who's obstructing.
I understand that.
But the notion that we would have the name of the person that we, not having the evidence, assume is guilty of something, but would have his name is incredibly dangerous.
Yeah, there's a lot of danger.
And by the way, not for nothing.
If this happened in, say, Columbine, the kids who were in the trench coat mafia would have been lynched.
Okay?
There is information that is just not readily available during this time.
The time after a shooting is amazingly dangerous.
You can have – I mean it's – It's better that they had a riot than that somebody went after his family.
I just couldn't disagree with you more.
Okay, we'll just leave it there.
I heard your argument.
You heard my argument.
Well, they should have brought me in to consult because I've been very good at keeping my name out of the media.
It's something that can be achieved, believe me.
I guarantee you go and you find out whoever wrote that law, and they're going to be a Republican.
It's a reactionary law.
It's dangerous.
I'm all for it.
I'm all for it.
If you want to be a policeman, you have to wear your name tag.
You have to let people know who you are.
That's just the way.
That's just the rules.
And by the way, I want to know, though, is there instances of a shooting incident with policemen, and then the next day, people coming after his family.
If that's something that really isn't.
Never heard of it happening.
Never heard of it happening.
You're talking about a very hypothetical rioting as a result of lack of information is something that's happened often.
This is correct.
So again, all right.
I mean, we've heard everybody's arguments.
You haven't heard mine.
I think mine's better.
All right, go ahead.
Well, first of all, I don't want you to – Okay, so I'm going to play.
I'm not paying attention.
So here.
Sorry, I'm reading my emails.
It's okay.
So here is the police chief.
Here's the police chief.
That's okay.
Here's the police.
As some of you are aware, I've had a lot of sunshine requests, sunshine law requests for information and documents about a variety of things, some of which is not available to me.
But anyway, so I'm here to talk about two things.
First of all, the name of the officer involved in the shooting, and then I've had a lot of sunshine requests for information.
So he mentions it twice.
And the reason why he says that twice, I've had a lot of sunshine requests, because he knows he's not supposed to release this.
He's not supposed to have released this video that has nothing to do with the crime.
Nobody reported a crime.
The people at the convenience store didn't call the cops.
They didn't want nothing.
The Justice Department told him not to release, which is why he keeps saying this, which is why he's nervous.
Let's watch.
I'm going to be releasing information about a robbery that occurred on August 9th, immediately preceding the altercation and shooting death of Michael Brown.
So here we go.
So anyway, so here he goes.
Now he's going to tell us about the strong arm robbery, which he was instructed by the Justice Department to not do.
What we're making available today are the dispatch records, the video footage of a robbery, a strongarm robbery, with use of force that occurred at a local convenience mark.
Yeah, okay.
The people at the convenience mark didn't call the cops, never filed the police report, never said they were robbed.
Nothing.
None of this.
None of this.
The Ferguson police went to that convenience store, demanded their security videotape, and then released this against every responsible person's better judgment.
They released this on purpose.
There was a riot that night.
So if this guy is doing this, and I think his name is, is it Thomas Jackson?
How come he's still...
Why hasn't he been...
I don't, do you know?
Well, they moved him out of his position of leadership and gave it to somebody else.
But in the meantime, how is this guy not going to be charged later for obstructing justice right now?
Like, he is lying to the cameras and to the public and creating even more greater civil unrest and danger in that community.
Because it's not illegal.
It's not illegal what he did, what he did.
It's not illegal.
You can lie to the press.
Yes.
You can get in trouble for it.
The family could easily sue him for slander.
Yes, but it's unethical, but it's not illegal.
It's not obstruction at all.
If he had turned around and lied to the FBI, he would have a federal case.
Yes.
At least he does.
At least the governor, the crack governor's on top of everything.
What a case.
Seriously, sometimes he will come out from underneath that rock that he's on.
Yeah.
I think the governor's rocket.
The governor rocks.
And he, you know.
Let me play a little bit more of this guy.
I'm sorry.
So here he goes.
That's how nervous he is.
I just want to give you a little timeline of what happened on August 9th.
He's going to give us a time.
1148 to noon.
The officer involved in the shooting was on a sick call in Glen Arc.
There was an ambulance present.
At 1151, there was a 911 call from a convenience store nearby, not this one.
So now he's mentioning that, Robert.
Now, does he mean, so he's bringing up a totally different 911 call.
Not the cigar 911 call, because there was no 911 call from the cigar thing.
Those people didn't call the cops.
They didn't file a police report.
But he said, not this one.
He said, not this one, meaning the one Michael.
So he couldn't be muddying the waters more.
That's all he's doing.
He wants you to Think the cop got called to that robbery that Michael Brown did, and that's what he wants you to get mixed up.
Exactly.
He wants you to get mixed up the same way Dick Cheney wanted you to get mixed up about Saddam Hussein and 9-11.
So that's what he's doing.
He's mentioning them both in the same sentences.
He keeps mixing them up, even though there's nothing to do with each other.
And that's why this cop is, in my opinion, a criminal, even though he's not technically being a criminal.
He is certainly in spirit a criminal.
Okay.
You know, this is probably the first time he's ever had to lie, though.
So let's watch how nervous he gets.
Watch out, watch, watch.
At 11:52, dispatch gave a description of a robbery suspect over the radio.
A different officer arrived at the store where the strong arm robbery occurred.
A further description, more detailed, was given over the radio and stated the officer who was walking toward or the I got by the way.
None of this has anything to do with the shooting.
Had none of it.
Okay.
The suspect was walking toward Quick Trip.
Our officer left a sick call.
He encountered Michael Brown.
Michael Brown.
I'm sorry.
Why are you so nervous?
So he's just nervous.
Why don't you have your facts written out?
Yeah, go ahead.
Jimmy, he got even more nervous.
I don't know if it's on tape, but I have the transcript here of him answering a question of quote: Habana Hamana Hamana.
That guy's muddying the waters more than Michael Phelps with diarrhea.
No kidding.
That's a nice one.
I guess that was very nice.
So I'm going to play one more video of this guy.
And you know, when someone's lying, they have tells.
So this guy's tell is he can't stop touching himself, touching the back of his head, touching here, touching his face, touching his.
So watch how many times he touches him.
I'm going to have some information requests for this tape.
So now later on that day, the news got back, got him.
The news reporters are like, hey, why are you releasing this stuff from the quote-unquote strong arm robbery, by the way, which never happened?
Why are you releasing this?
So they start to ask him, and he starts to get nervous.
And at some point, it was just determined we had to release it.
We didn't have to have any other reason to not release it.
What I did was scratching his head.
Did you release the videotape?
Touching his face back to the back of the head.
He can't stop touching himself.
Quick, quick bow, Jake.
But too many people put NFL requests for that thing, and I had to release the tape too.
Why would you release the video of the robbery?
What's the explanation for the timing?
Because you asked for it.
You asked for it?
I held it for as long as I could.
Yeah, because you asked for it.
Hey, people have been asking you for the name of the cop for a week, and you didn't release that.
So don't give me this BS that you got to read.
Hey, I got it.
You guys told me, and everybody knows that the Ferguson police listened to the orders from the media.
No one was asking for this tape because no one knew it existed.
Yes, no one knew it.
No one was saying, like, show us the videotape of the robbery that you've never mentioned.
You've never mentioned it.
And I thought it was interesting.
How many requests do you have to have before you even release something?
I got so many.
I got so many.
I finally had to.
So is there a, what's the, what's the tape?
What's the threshold of requests?
Is it 10, 6?
Is it 80?
How many requests do you have to have?
Actually, he'll take any request.
If you request him to sing Look on a Feeling, he'll sing it.
And by the way, not for nothing, but what responsible law enforcement agency releases evidence of an ongoing investigation?
Well, they asked for it, Robert.
They won't release the autopsy.
They won't release that, but they're going to release this because it's damning to Michael Brown.
Because that's just, we needed more examples of how horribly unethical, racist, prejudiced, unprofessional the Ferguson Police Department is.
And that's what he's trying to do, trying to show us how horrible they can be.
I think the Ferguson Police Department is in a contest called, who can think of more ways to be a horrible cop?
And we just don't know that that's the game they're playing.
Well, they're no Albuquerque.
Where they shot the adventurous guy?
Yeah, and a bunch of a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff in Albuquerque.
I mean, it's close to coast.
When they want to motivate this police department to be better cops, they scream, bad lieutenant.
Ha!
Thank you.
Hey, guess what?
Guess who's joining us right now on the phone?
It's my MSNBC correspondent.
It's Luke Russert.
Hey, Luke.
I'm very sad to hear you say that, Jimmy.
You're sad to hear me say, what, Luke?
What did I say?
MSNBC correspondent Luke Russert instead of Meet the Press host.
Luke, so you were expecting to replace David Gregory on Meet the Press just because of who your dad was?
Just because of who your dad was?
That's why you thought you would replace him?
Hey, man.
Everything I've ever gotten in my life, it's because of who my dad was.
So why shouldn't I also get Meet the Press?
It's not fair.
It's just clutch, bro.
It's clutch.
Is that what you said?
Hey, listen, life is not fair, Luke, which is why you are so successful.
Yeah, but not successful enough, bro.
Hey, nothing against David Gregory.
In fact, I thought he was awesome.
He was an inspiration to me.
Really?
An inspiration?
Yeah, I thought to myself, if the guy who sucks this hard can become host and meet the press without even being Tim Russard's son, the sky's the limit for me, man.
But then they shit canned him.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Do you really lose your job on a Sunday talk show just because you're not a good journalist?
It really kind of sets a scary precedent.
Yes, it does.
But actually, I don't think NBC cared that David Gregory sucked as a journalist.
They cared that he got low ratings, Luke.
Don't forget, the TV news industry is the most shallow and superficial business there is in all of business, okay?
So keep that in mind, buddy.
Hey, dude, thanks for trying to cheer me up.
I really appreciate it.
Well, let's look at from the bright side.
Maybe Chuck Todd will fall on his ass.
He's no better than David Gregory.
You know what, Luke?
I guess I totally agree with you there.
Chuck Todd, no better than David Gregory.
But I'm worried that nobody will know how bad he is because of his facial hair.
I have to admit, that goatee is politer material.
Yes, it is.
I'd grow a beer if I could, but I haven't learned to shave yet.
Luke, are you telling us that you haven't even reached puberty yet?
Well, I almost did.
I came really close, but then I started working in the TV news business and it's done in my gross.
Okay.
Listen, Luke, I don't think facial hair is as big a factor as you think it is.
I mean, your dad, Tim Russert, didn't have a goatee, or maybe I just couldn't see through a bit of, you know, all the egg he had on his face after he got everything wrong about the Iraq War.
Jimmy, I'm not talking about the good kind of not fair, like my broadcasting career.
Everyone agrees that Tim Russer was the best.
Even Dick Cheney's communications director described meet the press during my dad's tenure as, quote, our best format, a place where the vice president could, quote, control the message.
Totally.
Yeah.
Yeah, totally clutch.
Listen, Luke, buddy, that doesn't speak well of your dad as a journalist.
In fact, it kind of says the opposite.
Do you understand that?
That's not a good thing to brag about.
Kiss my rich white ass, Jimmy.
My dad was not afraid to speak power to truth.
Can you give me an example?
How so?
We told the powerful that they could settle their bullshit to the show.
He was speaking truth.
Okay.
You know, I'm not going to argue with you there.
Hey, say, Luke, maybe you should focus on sports.
I mean, you tweet more about baseball than you do about news and politics.
That's for sure.
Well, Jimmy, you'd love baseball too if you were born on third base.
Clutch sit.
Clutch sitch.
It certainly is.
Hey, Luke, thanks for joining us, buddy.
I appreciate you taking time out.
Clutch.
Both let's do it, Jimmy.
Both sides do it.
Both of us do it.
Both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
Both sides.
Both sides do it.
All right, Luke Russer, thank you very much.
Both sides do it.
No.
you You know, say what you want, but I think both sides do do it.
I really do.
Hey, listen, that was the, of course, the inimitable Mike McRae as written by Frank Conniff.
And speaking of written, guess what?
I'm doing a book signing of the book that is written.
Your country's just not that into you.
It's going to, if you're in the Los Angeles area, it's next, it's this Thursday.
It's this Thursday coming up, August 28th at 7 p.m. at the Vromans bookstore in Pasadena.
So Vromans starts with the V. Vromans.
There's a link for more information over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And it's a 7 p.m. book signing thing.
We're going to give a little speech.
We're going to read a little bit from the book.
We're going to have some laughy laughies.
So that's next, this Thursday, August 28th, 7 p.m.
The Vromans in Pasadena.
That's at El Molino in Colorado in Pasadena.
So I want to see everybody there, okay?
And by the way, if you want to be a member of the live studio audience for a Jimmy Door show, you know what you have to do, right?
Send me an email over at my old-timey email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
So do that.
And by the way, if you're a premium member and you haven't gotten your new passcode, send me an email there too.
What is the premium?
So what's in the premium this week, Jimmy?
Oh, son of a bitch.
It's Barack Obama.
There's Barack.
I'm still your fucking president, Jose Obama.
Jimmy, I'll just come back from my vacation.
And I'm not in the mood for your progressive horseshit this week.
In the world, please step off my dick.
Oh, my God.
How do I get the premium content, Jimmy?
Well, you go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on premium, you make your $5 donation.
That's all it is.
That's less than 50 cents a week.
$5 a month.
I think that might even be a quarter a week.
It's like nothing.
And then you get all the extra, all the access to all the premium content that we drop every week.
Sometimes it's a half hour.
Sometimes it's 45 minutes.
Sometimes it's 20 minutes.
You know, we get extra.
That's the whole point.
You get extra.
Okay.
So thank you.
And you're supporting the show.
And that's the cool thing, right?
You're supporting the show that you love so much.
And because you know how much corporate America loves that lefty, progressive comedy.
So thanks to everybody who does that.
And thanks to everybody who left a review of the book at Amazon.com.
Right now we're up to, I think, 11 reviews.
I'd like to see that.
We want to double that by next week.
Okay.
So anyway, big thanks to people who take time out to leave a nice review over at Amazon.com.
It's really nice.
And I don't know if I said this already in the show, but big thanks to Carl Kozlowski from the Pasadena Weekly and for giving us a nice review this week in the Pasadena Weekly.
Check that out.
Of course, I'm going to put links to that up over at the Facebook page and at jimmydoorcomedy.com and what have you.
Okay, so I want to say that, you know, this show, all the voices today performed by the one and only the inimitable Mike McRae.
And those sketches were written.
That's right.
They were written by Robert Yasimura, Mark Van Landuit, Frank Conniff, Steph Zamorano.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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