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Aug. 9, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
So here's my truth.
I have Ebola fever.
Not the actual fever that comes with having Ebola.
If that were the case, I don't think I'd be sitting here doing a podcast.
Not this podcast, anyway.
I'd probably do Mark Maron's podcast.
For the past 10 days, I've been following this story with intense interest.
The death toll in West Africa is now at roughly 1,000.
It will increase, no doubt, perhaps dramatically, before scientists and infectious disease professionals get the epidemic under control.
As most of you know, two Americans, Dr. Kent Brantley and Nancy Reitbull, Christian missionaries who were treating Ebola patients in Liberia, have gotten sick themselves.
I'm not a religious man.
I'm aggressively agnostic, but it's impossible not to be impressed with Brantley and Reitbull, unless you're soulless, publicity-starved fourth graders like Donald Trump and Ann Coulter.
So the missionaries' charity, Samaritan's Purse, worked with the CDC to bring Brantley and Reitbull back home to the States to get the best care possible.
In reading these stories, I've learned that the first key to surviving Ebola is supportive care, fluids, blood, monitoring, things American hospitals excel at, things that keep your organs from failing long enough for you to fight off the disease.
The second key is to stay the fuck away from Ann Coulter and Donald Trump.
Normally, I support a media blackout of these two science-denying, fear-mongering Kardashians, but I can't resist this week.
For years, whenever these two had a war to support, an opportunity to cheerlead, sending young American men into harm's way, they'd hide behind the military, using soldiers, airmen, and Marines to camouflage the ignorance of their position.
But in this case, they were both willing and eager to do what the military never does, leave an American behind on the battlefield.
Trump started this on Twitter.
He said, Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days.
Now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent.
Keep them out of here.
The last part was in caps.
My godson likes to use caps too.
He's nine.
But Trump wasn't done.
The next day he tweeted this.
I swear this is true.
The U.S. cannot allow Ebola-infected people back.
People that go to faraway places to help out are great, but must suffer the consequences.
What?
Suffer the consequences.
Who talks like that other than poorly written movie villains and Vladimir Putin?
Coulter then wrote a blog post that's overflowing with meanness, ignorance, and un-American lack of compassion.
You could pick any sentence and find something hideous.
It's like shooting Ebola patients in a barrel, which I presume is how a Dr. Coulter would treat the disease.
But I'll read this sentence because it adds a little racism to the mix.
Despite the runaway success of Midnight Basketball, she writes, a healthy chunk of those children go on to murder other children, rape grandmothers, bury little girls alive, and then eat a sandwich.
Before adding, so no, there's nothing for a Christian to do here in the U.S. Kent Brantley and Nancy Reitbull are examples of what is best about America.
Trump and Coulter obviously represent America at its worst.
Oh, nice.
Oh, nice.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to your T-Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined in the studio.
Next to me from Turner Classic Movies, it's my buddy Ben Mankowitz.
Hi, Ben.
How are you?
Jimmy, what's going on?
It's good to have you.
Across the glass from me, hilarious comedian, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, and the new blog, The Miserable Liberal.
It's Steph Zamarano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Ola, Jimmy.
I'm doing great.
Now you say Ola because you're Mexican, right?
That's right.
And I'm not fluent in Spanish.
Okay.
But you live in America, so you're good with the English, as Steve King would say.
Okay.
On the phone from San Francisco, Hilarious Writer, it's Mark Van Landu and hey, Mark, how are you?
Hi, everybody.
Fantastic.
Also, on the phone from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000 in the new podcast, Podhouse90, it's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
Yay.
All right, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, did you hear Clive and Bundy recently said God told him to disarm the federal agents?
God responded, no, I didn't.
Fuck off, you racist piece of shit.
That was God.
God, really.
He's not pulling punches.
You know, if you get God mad.
Yeah, if you get God mad, he will.
Hey, by the way, James Brady, the famous James Brady from the Brady Bill, who was shot in the head when he was with President Reagan back in the 80s, right?
Went on to get gun legislation, the Brady Bill.
He died.
He died last week, so rest in peace.
And it's so sad that the leaders of the NRA cared more about the rights of John Hinckley than his.
Not so funny, but really poignant.
Hey, by the way, Ann Coulter slammed Christians for doing Christian stuff outside of America, you know, just like that dumb, misguided Jesus dude.
Hey, there's people.
And by the way, the people who are looking forward to the new teenage Newton Ninja Turtle movie.
Newton Ninja?
Hey, by the way, people looking forward to the new teenage mutant ninja turtle movie are in deep denial about their clinical depression.
In their defense, they might also be eight.
Hey, by the way, this week was the anniversary of the Nick of Nixon resigning.
Did you know that?
Yeah, it's the anniversary of Nixon resigning for that thing that wasn't as criminal as the Iran-Contra or Iraq invasion.
Hey, by the way, every once prosperous American now suffering economic hardship should have the opportunity to be in an expendables film, too, right?
Ah, there you go.
Nice joke, Frank.
Great, Frank.
By the way, do you know the GOP policy on immigrant children is based on the concept of, quote, what would Jesus do if he had no compassion for the human race?
Hey, Republicans say the outbreak of affordable health care must be quarantined before it spreads and affects everyone.
Hey, by the way, there's a new show called When Genocide is Permissible.
It's soon going to be premiering on the Those Who Don't Learn from History channel.
I don't think that's on direct TV.
No, that's the Those Who Don't Learn from History Channel.
It's on the Dish Network.
It's a good joke.
Hey, by the way, I need to figure out, I'm trying to raise money.
I'm trying to figure out a way to raise money for this documentary I want to make about Kickstarter.
How do you do it?
What's a good way?
Maybe I'll do an Indiegogo.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, I'd do an Indiegogo campaign, raise some money for my Kickstarter document.
Hey, by the way, The Guardians of the Galaxy is getting rave reviews, but I doubt if it's anywhere near as good as the comic book I've never heard of.
All right.
What's coming up on today's show?
Well, we got phone calls today from Ron Paul calls in.
Philip Seymour Hoffman.
That's his name.
Philip Seymour Hoffman calls in.
How soon they forget.
Yes, how soon.
And John Boehner calls in.
Plus, we're going to talk about Rand Paul's afraid of Mexicans.
And also, Alan Dershowitz uses my analogy, but he puts it upside down and backwards and justifies killing children.
Good for you, Alan Dershowitz.
Glad your parents send you to law school.
Hey, Barack Obama admitted we tortured.
We're going to talk about it, but don't be sanctimonious about it.
And guess what?
The NRA has a new commercial.
Should the blind have guns?
What do you think?
And what do you think they think?
Hey, think it through.
Okay, we're going to talk about that.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy, this is John Boehner, Speaker of the goddamn House of Representatives.
I wanted to call you before Congress starts its summer recess.
This is a well-earned vacation.
We're exhausted from all the things we haven't gotten done.
I'm indignant, Jimmy.
Completely indignant at the scam being pushed by the White House of Republicans want to impeach the president of the United States.
Ridiculous.
What Republican has called for the impeachment, Obama?
Nobody, that's who.
Except for Steve King, Shelle Bachman, Sarah Palin, Steve Stackman, all of AM radio.
Ever guessed on Fox News?
Woman in the grocery store who talks for herself.
Anyone who accuses Republicans of wanting to impeach the president, I'm going to sue them.
I'll have to go back to Ohio and pretend to listen to my tea party constituents and what they're whining about this week.
Better than them coming here to my offices in Washington.
Those that get through the metal detectors make a mess of the bathrooms, I'll tell you.
They eat soap and wipe their asses on a linen towel.
Don't think this is a paid vacation like those deadbeat teachers get.
We'll be brainstorming for the fall schedule.
No stupid ideas.
Stupid enough.
It's hard to keep talking the previous season.
The party that is suing the president for taking executive action is demanding that the president take executive action on the Republican border security bill that we couldn't pass.
You can't expect inspiration like that to happen for every story.
You know what, Jimmy?
I thought I was getting burnt out of this job, but I'll miss it when it's over.
I'm really proud of what I haven't allowed to get done for my country.
Oh, God, here comes the tears.
I'm not crying, Daddy.
I just said something in my eyes.
I'm a big rat like you want me to be.
Okay, Jimmy, my tanding bed is firing up.
Me and this bottle of gin are going to sleep in it like Rip Van Wiggle.
Vader blackout begin.
Okay, John Vader.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, so I don't know if you saw, everybody saw the video clip of there were two dreamers, right?
Dreamers, meaning kids who were brought here from other countries as children, and now they grew up to be good people, right?
They go to college, they're contributing to society.
And so we'll send them home.
So the DREAM Act, as it's called, is if these people are good people, they're not criminals.
They're getting an education.
They're obviously going to contribute to our society.
They have this thing called the DREAM Act, which lets them become citizens.
Isn't that correct?
I don't know.
It's up and down in and out of the Dream Act.
By the way, Jimmy, when Anthony Lumino was in office, he introduced the web through the act.
Okay, so there were two dreamers, right?
So Erica Andiola and Cesar Vargas, they confronted Steve King and Rand Paul.
They were having lunch, and so they came up to them because they had just, I'm pretty sure they had just voted to deny that girl a life, right?
Right.
So because they're brown, and even no matter how good of a person you are, you're brown and it scores points with their base who don't like brown people.
Just, I mean, but just to be clear, read their names again.
Erica Andiola and Cesar Vargas.
Yeah, I don't want them here.
Yeah, okay.
So here's so she goes, I'm going to play this.
So I know on the rate of the podcast on the radio, you know, video clips, but I'll describe it to you.
So they walk up to Rand Paul and Steve King.
Steve King is the douchebag from Iowa who, because he said that he doesn't want these Mexicans coming here, drug mules with their 90 pounds and they have calves like cantaloupes.
Remember that?
Remember that?
And he went on to stand, he said they got balls like watermelons and tits like pickles.
He said that too, I think.
Pickles like watermelons.
Yes.
So here they come up to confront them, which is nice.
It's like, hey, you want to screw over someone?
I'm going to put a face to the people you're screwing over.
It's me.
I'm a young girl.
She's a graduate of Arizona State.
The guy Caesar is also a, he's graduated law school, but they won't let him be a lawyer because he's not a citizen.
Okay, here we go.
So they confront him.
Now, the interesting thing, watch the piece of video.
As soon as the Mexican girl introduces herself, she has her card, which is like her dream card.
And she gives it to Steve.
She says, hey, if you don't want me to become a citizen, why you just rip this up right now?
Just do it to me right now.
Right.
Just go ahead.
You want to be a jerk?
Do it for real.
You know, it's like the equivalent of you want to bomb someone with a drone.
No, shoot me right in the face right here.
I'm right here in front of you.
Kill me.
So that's what she's doing to him.
And it works because Rand Paul hightails it out of there, right?
So if you watch, he's got a whole half of his cheeseburger left.
Yeah, he takes one bite of his cheeseburger.
He just got sat down, has a bite of his cheeseburger, shakes the girl's hand, takes a bite, and then am scrades the F out of there.
Rand Paul takes a bite of that hamburger and he does a double take like Harry Ritz when he hears that she's a dreamer.
Oh, okay.
Let's watch closely then.
Here we go.
We're looking for a great crowd.
So there they are.
They're shaking hands, right?
They just shook their hands.
Now Rand Paul goes back to pick up his burger.
And by the way, Rand Paul, I didn't know he was a gay rights supporter by the shirt he's wearing.
He's wearing the rainbow flag shirt, which is nice.
I don't know if you could tell in there.
But, you know, I had a shirt like that when I was in high school and I was confused.
I wasn't sure about things.
I was just going to say that even, you know, as a side issue to all this, you know, there are a lot of people who kind of think Rand Paul is cool and everything and that he's different and that he's not your typical Republican candidate.
But just remember, he associates himself with Steve Kay.
Yes, that's who he's sitting down.
Yes, that is exactly.
He makes appearances with Steve King.
Yes.
People who want to say how great Rand Paul is, just remember that next time.
Indeed.
Okay.
And yes, indeed.
You're right.
Indeed, this is the kind of guy he has lunch with, Steve King.
Here we go.
Now, watch, watch Rand Paul.
As soon as she says, I was brought here from Mexico, I was raised here, though, boom, his chair goes out.
He gets up and he is gone.
Watch.
Arizona State University.
And I know you want to get rid of Docos.
I want to give you the opportunity if you really want to get rid of it.
Just rip mine.
You can go ahead.
So she hands him her card.
She said, if you really want to get rid of us, go ahead, just rip mine.
Yeah, DACA is the deferred action for childhood arrival.
That's the name of it.
That's the name of the act.
Yeah, so if you want to go ahead and...
Ironically, right after that, Rand Paul ran so far that he was actually at the Canadian border.
So what's interesting here with this video is watch.
So she starts to talk to him.
Do you think my doctor, you're going to take really mean everything that right now having a communist society right here?
She said that if you do this, if you take this away from me, you're going to get rid of everything I've accomplished.
She goes, I'm a college graduate.
I went to the University of Arizona.
So he stands up.
I just want to understand why you've been wanting to do that.
She says, I don't understand why you want to do that.
And then he stands up.
For you to be fighting against dreamers, calling us, being safe.
She says, why don't you quit calling us names?
Please stop doing that.
Because that's what he does.
He dehumanizes and demonizes Mexicans, right?
They're drug runners.
They're drug mules.
They got caps like Candle.
They're all illegal and they're all criminals.
And that's what this.
So she's saying, stop doing that.
You know that that's not what it is.
We're all decent people.
The guy I'm with is a went to law school.
I went to college.
I just want to be a good American like everybody else.
That's what America's about.
And you're all made up of immigrants.
I don't call you nano.
I say, no, no.
So he says to her, I don't call you names.
I'm talking about drug smugglers.
And then she starts talking, but he wants her to shut up so bad.
And he can't believe that a brown girl won't listen to his direction or take her order from him because she keeps talking.
And watch what he does.
He scrabs her hand, grabs her hand.
Like that's something.
The last time I saw somebody do that, it was Pope Benedict did it to a port reporter for ABC.
He slapped his hand when he was asking a question.
So this is very much like an intimate, like, oh, I'll until you shut up.
So you go, by the way, if that was a Mexican guy doing that to a white girl, they'd still be talking about this that fucks me.
Also, how about what he's saying as he grabs her hand?
Yes, what is he saying, Ben?
You're very good at English.
He says you're very good at English.
You know what I'm saying?
You understand what I'm saying.
She was raised here.
She just graduated from Arizona State, which is, I got to be honest, a bit of a party school.
But nonetheless.
He's really good at being stupid.
Yeah, by the way, he's good at English too.
He's nearly fluent.
He's nearly fluent.
Yes.
Here he goes.
I was raised.
You know, you are.
She's saying she just gives it right back.
Why are you acting like I don't understand it?
Why are you doing this?
What is this game you're playing?
What is this game you're playing?
Oh, you understand English.
Because we don't understand English.
I went to college.
I'm here.
I was raised here.
What kind of bull?
And that's exactly what he's doing.
He's doing the whole thing.
Oh, you're different.
Oh, you've learned, you sneaky little outsider.
The kids lived here their whole life.
So Rand Paul takes off and scraves, which is nice.
It's so nice to see such a tough talk and tea partyist go back on everything he's ever said, be so scared of Mexican girls that he can't even finish his burger.
What a pussy this guy is.
No, I think Rand Paul has everything I want in a president.
Someone who can face up to uncomfortable situations.
Why Chris Christie will be a stronger candidate?
Because he would have finished that burger at one.
Ah!
Ah!
So Rand Paul actually came.
So people are busting his balls all over the place about this, right?
For being such a coward.
Boy, what a boy, it's got a spine made of steel at Rand Paul, huh?
As soon as a 21-year-old Mexican girl came up to him.
So this girl, he's been demonizing.
He couldn't take it face to face.
He said he wasn't trying to get out of there.
He had to go to another interview just 10 feet away.
He had to go do another interview just 10 feet away.
And that's what it was.
That's why he started eating his lunch.
That's what you do.
Yeah.
Right before you go on television, do an interview.
You want to get as much food in your mouth as possible.
Yeah, you try to wolf down a burger.
You're like, oh, I have an interview in one minute.
Well, this would be a good time to have lunch.
Yeah, so he definitely said I have to go do an interview.
I mean, the cable guy's coming.
I mean, my dry cleaning got lost.
I mean, come on, it was raining.
Yeah, right.
I mean, these answers don't just plagiarize themselves, okay?
I gotta.
Yeah.
Yes, exactly.
You know, he actually did.
He did come on Greta Fan Sustern the next night, and he said that he wasn't trying to disrespect that girl and he wasn't afraid of her.
There was a Senate vote, and he was just getting back.
He wanted to go cancel the rest of her life.
So it was a lot nice.
That's a lot nicer.
He was just trying to completely wreck her life from the inside out.
Okay.
By the way, you know, it's so every time they have an opportunity for a fairly honest moment, they blow it.
Right now, he's not looking to win Latino votes.
That's never going to happen.
He's trying to win GOP votes.
If he just said, yeah, I was having lunch and I didn't feel like having that conversation right then, so I got up and left.
Yeah.
Right.
You'd be like, okay.
He said that.
That's an answer.
I would be like, oh, God, it's a fairly good answer.
Yeah.
You know, it turns out that these dreamers are a nightmare for the GOP.
Yeah.
Oh, dreamers.
Maybe he just thought that she was, you know, the waitress and that the guy with her was the bus boy.
He was just.
That's probably it.
That's probably.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, you know, everyone's talking about Rand Paul, but I hope this puts the spotlight on Steve King, who is human slime.
He is one of the worst people in Washington.
And the way he's been pushing this fear-mongering about immigrants has been disgusting.
I mean, Steve King has frightened more people than Stephen King.
Yeah.
You know, it's just amazing.
I'll say it again that if that was a Mexican guy grabbing a white girl and speaking dismissively to her like that and go, oh, you're real good with English.
I haven't seen a man grab a woman like that since Jake and Vicki LaMada.
Exactly.
Exactly.
You know, these immigrants, they are scary.
They really are.
You know, they're so scary.
They just want a better life.
Yeah, they want what we want.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
If we let these child immigrants into the country, let's just be alluring.
They could grow up to be smart, articulate people who can contribute to our society.
and I will say we talked about this last week on the show.
They've done studies.
Smarty Pants people and universities who study stuff have studied this.
And it turns out that every state, the states with the most immigrants, illegal or otherwise, their economies are doing better.
Even illegal immigrants, people who come here undocumented workers, they raise the wages of other documented workers.
I don't know how that works, but the Smarty Pants people have studied it.
I'm just reporting back what the smart people do.
California's economy is doing much better because we have immigrants.
Okay, so immigrants have always been good.
In fact, the immigrants who are going to come here and become contributing members of society, they're going to be subsidizing Social Security and Medicare for the baby boomers when they retire.
That's who's going to pay for it.
We actually need more young people in this country to help our economy and to subsidize all the old white people are just getting ready to retire.
So this is perfect.
The more people we could get here, it's actually the better.
Well, that's what all the old-timey proponents of capitalism would always say: that you always have to have an influx of immigration because the lower classes, they're supposed to rise up in a successful capitalist society.
So that working class needs to be constantly replenished.
Yes.
Immigration is essential.
So this new wave of dumb republicanism, they don't even know the ideologies they're supposed to be defending.
Yes.
I think everybody, I think you guys are all missing the point.
What they did was a little rude and un-American.
They were at a fundraiser.
Okay.
That's serious business.
And to have the audacity to talk about policy at a fundraiser.
Come on.
I'm getting ready to go to one of those fundraisers in my poncho.
I'm getting ready to go.
I'm getting ready to go.
Okay, I got a phone call.
Let's see.
Let me try to call Ron Paul.
I'm going to try and get him on the phone.
I want to ask him about Rand about his son.
About his son running away from that Mexican girl.
I want to see what he has to say about it.
Thank you.
Freedom.
Hey, just Congressman Paul's Jimmy Dora.
Jimmy, how wonderful.
I haven't heard from you in so long.
Am I catching at a bad time?
Oh, no, no.
I'm just sitting here cleaning my gun and getting ready for the coming race war.
The race war.
How are you?
I'm great, Dr. Paul.
I just wanted to talk to you about your son's campaigning in Iowa.
Yeah, sure.
He's running for president.
He's a big boy.
He's mama's a good boy.
Okay, well, he ran away from an immigrant child the other day.
Did you see that?
I know.
I know.
Wasn't that a hoot?
Well, yes, I think so, but I didn't think you would think.
I didn't think you would think it was a hoot that he ran away from her.
Oh, my yes.
You see, that is going to go down history.
It's one of the most misunderstood moments in American politics.
A misunderstood?
How so?
Well, everyone just assumes that Rand was running away because he didn't want to get cornered on immigration.
And, you know, when you assume, you make a, you know, a douchebag out of yourself.
I don't think that's how I never heard it put that way.
What people don't understand is that Rand is actually just afraid of small Mexican girls.
Really?
So I'm terrified of him.
Really?
He has been.
Like when he was little, you'd just be walking down the street and there'd be a Mexican girl, you know, and Rand would suddenly soil himself and hide in a mailbox.
What?
He would hide in a mailbox?
And we'd have to call a post office and be like, man, Rand's in the mailbox.
I'm pooping on some of the letters, mate.
Dr. Paul, that is incredible.
Well, sure, it's funny now, but at the time, it would sound embarrassing.
And, you know, maybe a federal crime.
How would he even fit in the mailbox?
I don't understand this.
I don't really know.
He might be able to dislocate a number of his joints at will.
You know, like some sort of creature or something.
So, yeah, he's running away from Mexican girls.
I mean, that's progress for Rand.
Oh, and then Congressman Steve King stepped in.
Did you see that?
Oh, that guy, sure.
Oh, you don't like Congressman Steve King?
Well, you know the story on that guy, right?
No, I don't know the story on Steve King.
What's the story?
Well, when he was 40 or so, he escaped from his parents' attic.
What are you talking about?
Evidently, he had lived up there since he was a baby.
You know, nothing but the company of a raggedy hand-all thing called Baba.
There's a lot of detail.
A lot of detail.
So you ask me if I like him or not.
It's like asking me if I like Jody Foster from that movie Nell as a federal lawmaker.
I wait.
What?
I'm confused.
How did Steve King then become a congressman?
Didn't have he seen the Republican Party lately.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, okay.
I guess I see your point, huh?
I assume he won a piece contest.
County Fair or something.
Yeah, they did in Iowa.
You know, Dr. Paul, I mean, I sort of have the point.
I have to point out that Steve King is, I don't know, he pretty much shares your politics down the line.
Have you ever thought about that?
You don't like Steve King, but he espouses all the same things you do, right?
Well, sure, but whether you agree with me or not, I arrived at my politics through my own critical evaluation in history.
Uh-huh.
Steve King thinks that way because the fountain head was the only book he had up in that attic.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a recreation of the attic at the Steve King Museum.
There it is, a dog-haired copy of the fountainhead, right between the feeding bucket and the poop sleep.
What?
What?
There's a Steve King Museum?
Are you kidding me?
Well, actually, there's two, but I prefer the one down by the airport.
Why do you like the one by the airport?
That's where the good stuff really is.
The one out on the highway is more for tourists.
It's mainly detective shop.
Okay, I got to ask you, what did they sell at the Steve King gift shop?
Oh, you know.
What?
Like dream catchers he made.
Friendship bracelets.
Friendship bracelets, okay.
Pictures of wolves.
Pictures of Captain American flag.
Okay, okay.
Does the Steve King Museum have a website that I could go to?
Listen, Jimmy, I got a dog.
I got my hand caught inside of a jug.
And I've got a guy coming over with some butter to help me remove it.
Okay.
All right.
Well, by all means, I'll see you later.
Thanks again, Congressman Paul.
I appreciate you taking time out.
Okay.
Well, you know, why power?
All right, Congressman Paul.
Little white paul.
Do you love the Rand Paul?
The Ron Paul?
I love the Ron Paul.
Mike McRae's a genius.
And that was a great sketch written by Robert Yasamura.
And guess what?
Hey, Jimmy, I love the show so much.
Is there a way I can help support it that actually doesn't cost me any money?
Yes, there is.
Well, how do I do it?
Well, all you have to do is the next time you buy something from Amazon, you think about the Jimmy Door show.
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Thanks.
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Okay, now let's get to the second half of the show.
We've got a lot of hilarity coming up.
We got a phone call from Philip Seymour Hoffman's coming up in the second half.
Hey, we're going to check in with Alan Dershowitz, who used my analogy backwards and some more stuff.
But right now, let's get back to the studio.
Nothing seems to be more divisive than the Gaza situation with Israel.
And so you know how I stand on it, right?
If you want to, whatever your solution is over there, part of that solution cannot include intentionally bombing children, killing them on purpose.
You can't do that, right?
So my argument has been, you know, so that Benjamin Netanyahu says the difference between Israel and Hamas is Hamas uses human beings to protect their bombs, but they use Israel uses bombs to protect their human beings.
So they're better.
So my analogy was, yeah, the reason why Hamas uses human shields is because they think that the Israelis will act like human beings and not kill innocent people, which is what you're not supposed to do, right?
So it's, and the analogy I made, I made it on the Young Turks the other day, was the analogy was if you're at a bank and a guy's robbing the bank and the cops show up and he takes a hostage and he walks out with a knife to the lady's neck.
If you're the cops, you go, oh my God, we have to figure this out a way that doesn't get this lady killed.
If you're Benjamin Netanyahu, you just start shooting at the lady, right?
You just go, you can't have, that's against the rules.
Boom, boom, boom.
And you start, hey, the guy's got 20 hostages.
Could you get our hostage killing team?
Get our hostage killing team.
We'll come into the bank.
We'll start mowing down the hostages and then we'll get the terrorists because I'm Benjamin Netanyahu and I'm a maniac, a maniac.
I'm a maniac.
And by the way, everybody who defends what B.B. Netanyahu's doing, Ben made this point to me off air.
It's a very good point that realize that this would not be happening if this party was not in charge of that government.
If it was the other party in charge or another party in charge in Israel, they wouldn't be doing this.
This wouldn't be happening.
So that's kind of weird that you would be so tribal as to support just one sliver of your tribe.
Okay.
So as progressives, we're supposed to see the difference.
We're supposed to rise above tribal affiliations.
That's why we're progressives, right?
That's the difference.
And we're supposed to be able to be acutely aware of the imbalance of power and who's in control of a situation and where does power lie.
So the power lies with Israel.
They're a first world nation with modern weaponry.
They don't even have bomb shelters in Gaza.
Okay.
So you know that.
So I made that analogy about if the guy robs the bank, right?
So I made that analogy.
And then someone sent me this clip of Alan Dershowitz.
If a guy robs a bank and takes a hostage.
Guy robs a bank, takes a hostage.
You don't shoot the hostage.
Benjamin Netanyahu says we shoot the hostage because the bank robber is a bad guy.
And he's not supposed to take hostages.
He'd be the worst SWAT team guy ever.
Yes.
So here's Alan Dershowitz.
And I swear to God, he uses my analogy, but watch how he flips it and turns it and makes it backwards.
Ready?
Let Alan get in there, Alan.
Let me prove that that's not true.
If there's a bank robbery and the bank robber takes a hostage and the bank robber starts shooting from behind the hostage and aiming at civilians.
Yeah, so if the bank robber starts shooting from behind a hostage, you all take cover.
You all take cover.
You don't start shooting at the hostage.
So listen to what he says.
The policeman then tries to shoot the bank robber and kills the hostage.
Who's guilty of murder?
Under the law of every single society, it's the bank robber who's holding the hostage, not the person who shot the bullet.
So I use that analogy to make a moral point.
Alan Dershowitz uses that analogy to defend evil.
I use that to say, I'm making a moral point.
He is defending cold-blooded murder of children and innocent people.
He used that same analogy.
So that just shows you the mental gymnastics.
We all know you don't shoot the goddamn hostage.
That's why they take fucking hostages, you asshole.
So that's a guy using all his mental faculties to justify murder, cold-blooded murder of children.
So by the way, that doesn't mean I'm like Hamas or I'm saying what the solution should be.
I'm telling you, I know what can't be included in the solution, and that's intentionally murdering children who are innocent.
That can't be part of your solution, and then claim them.
You can't have the moral high ground.
You can't say terrorism is bad because they target innocent people, and then you kill innocent people on purpose.
And Alan Dershowitz just, again, he should be disqualified from public life after saying that we should shoot hostages in a bank situation.
That's why we should kill innocent people in Gaza.
And by the way, I just wanted to show that.
I mean, I just think, so if a bank robber comes out with a knife to a hostage's throat, Alan Dershowitz says, blow up the bank.
Right?
That's what he says.
That's what he says.
Hey, good bank.
We got a hostage situation.
Set in the hostage killing brigade.
The chief doesn't want to see one hostage left standing.
We got to get that bank robber.
Yeah, that would be a shitty movie.
Yeah.
And of course.
If he moves the bank, he wants to blow up the West Bank.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, it's a crime against humanity to have a sense of humanity, apparently.
Right.
Now, Ben, you're Jewish.
How do you feel about anything?
You know, first of all, I'm going to start using the phrase to go back to what you said when you were kind of quoting me.
Like, you know, like, it's not, it's not Israel.
It's the Netanyahu government.
that's what we're talking about here.
And everybody should remember that.
And there are a lot of, I don't know, I'm not a military expert, and I'm not a politician in Israel, but you don't, and I don't know whether they're intentionally killing kids, but they are not, they don't appear concerned about it.
They don't, like, if that's what happens, whatever.
Yes.
Just another day.
And so, yeah, I mean, it just, you know, first of all, we don't compare Hamas to the Israeli government, although I guess now we can, which is what's frustrating.
Like, there is no moral equivalency.
I got it.
Hamas, they're bad guys.
We hate Hamas.
Yeah.
We start from there.
Yeah.
We don't need to explain that we're against child molestation.
Right.
We're all anti-Hamas.
The question is: how does civilized people, how to compassionate people, how do they respond to this threat?
And Israel has taken the Netanyahu government.
Excuse me.
I won't violate my own rule.
The Netanyahu government has taken an unreasonable, unethical stand against this threat.
That's very well put.
And I've behaved.
I agree with Ben.
It's interesting.
A democratically elected right-wing government in Israel is punishing an entire group of people in Gaza because they democratically elected a right-wing government.
So these are two right-wing governments fighting each other.
That's right.
They're two fundamentalist governments fighting each other.
So it's sad.
I don't know what to do.
I've never seen this movie that Alan Dershowitz is referring to, where the bank robber has a hostage and starts shooting people while he has a hostage.
The whole point of having a hostage is: don't shoot me or I'll shoot this hostage.
You don't start shooting everybody who's outside the bank.
It doesn't make any sense.
Frank, you know, you've done pitches.
That's got to be the worst pitch meeting ever.
All right, so here it is.
So they come out.
They got a bunch of women.
They got some children.
There's some ethnic children.
They're from all different stripes.
And the kids are super cute.
And then our hero, he gets up with a gun and he just takes everybody out.
But, you know, among the killed is the kidnapper.
Well, as, you know, as a lover of, as a lover of great cinema, I have seen the SWAT movie.
And that movie starts out with Jeremy Rimmer or whoever you say his name.
He is one of the SWAT team people.
He shoots a hostage, doesn't kill the hostage, shoots him, and then he becomes the villain for the rest of the movie.
Yeah, that's right.
And I watched the SWAT television show every week.
I never missed an episode starring Steve Forrest, the great Robert Urich in that movie as well.
Yes.
And that TV show as well.
And like, and the guy who, the sniper, was a guy, the character's name was TJ.
I like TJ, and he'd zero in on whoever the bad guy was in the movie.
But whenever there was a hostage and you'd see him in the little X, he'd pull the gun back.
And he'd say, I don't have a shot.
I don't have a shot.
I don't have a shot.
Exactly.
No, Alan Dershowitz is like, no, go ahead.
It's fine.
Shoot.
It's not your fault.
That's that other guy's fault.
So kill her.
Just shoot.
Just shoot twice.
Maybe you'll miss her.
Fingers crossed.
All right.
He was Alan Dershowitz's moral high point was when he was defending Floss Farm Yula.
Yeah, I was going to say, I was trying to work Klaus van Buello into it because he probably poisoned his wife.
Yes.
And he got him off, right?
Yeah, and OJ, too.
Oh, my God.
That's right.
He worked on OJ.
Oh, my God.
So according to Alan Dershowitz, if only the bank robber who knives the hostages in his analogy turns out to be, I don't know, a football Hall of Famer who holds the record for over 2,000 yards rushes at a single season, then what would Alan Dershowitz think then?
Ha ha ha.
you Okay, so President Barack Obama made history.
You know, I don't know if you know, but what separates us from all the people we fight in wars is that we're the good guys.
I don't know if you know.
That's why we fight wars because there's evil and we have to go stop the evil.
So that's why we show up, right?
That's why we saved the world from fascism.
We saved it from Hitler.
We saved it from communism.
That's our thing, right?
We're supposed to be the good guys.
We're the guys on the white horse with the white hat.
So it turns out...
So it turns out, though, sometimes when we're out there thinking we're doing good, we're not doing good.
Like when we were doing, you know, illegal wars in Iraq.
And it turns out that Dick Cheney and George Bush and Condoleezza Rice, they all ordered torture, right?
So that's called a war crime.
You're not supposed to torture people.
But did you read about the New York Times?
Do you get into that by any chance?
Can I throw something in?
Sure.
The New York Times today decided to call what Bush and Cheney and everybody did torture.
Like today, in 2014, for the first time.
For the first time.
They've decided to go, you know, all that stuff we've been reporting on for 11 years.
Turns out it was torture.
Ah, that stuff we've been calling enhanced interrogation techniques, which I love.
They call it enhanced interrogation techniques because we don't call it torture because we're doing it, right?
So it's enhanced, which makes it sound nice.
Their sentence is this.
When the first revelations emerged a decade ago, the situation was murky.
Murky.
It was never murky.
Isn't that funny?
I knew exactly that the Iraq war was a lie.
I knew, comedian.
I knew it.
I knew that there was a housing bubble happening.
Me, comedian.
I knew it.
So, and I also knew that torture wasn't murky.
I knew it was torture, and I knew why they were doing it.
So that's me as a comedian.
So when I know that I can figure this stuff out, you know that the guys at the New York Times knew this.
They just didn't want to say it.
They don't want to get on the wrong side of power.
And that's why the New York Times is not really that good of a newspaper.
Their next sentence is...
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
The New York Times is the newspaper of record, with the record of being late to every moral issue in this country's History.
Yeah, they just came out in favor of medical marijuana and legalization of marijuana about 40 years too late.
Now they're on the torture thing about 14 years after.
I'll read the next sentence.
The details are.
I'll give you a lot of help.
The details about what the Central Intelligence Agency did in its interrogation rooms were vague.
Vague.
Vague.
Smirky and vague.
Wow.
Sure.
So we just took the government's word for it and repeated it.
That's right.
All that waterboarding.
Yeah.
So vague.
So vague.
I hope now the New York Times will properly describe Maureen Dowd's columns as an atrocity.
Ah, ha ha.
Okay, so President Barack Obama finally came out, I think, what is this, six, seven years into his presidency?
Six, yeah.
Two years into or three years into his second term, and he came out.
What?
He's exhausted from prosecuting them.
Yes, yes.
So, Barack Obama didn't prosecute any of those war torture crimes.
He never prosecuted anybody because Barack Obama said all those torture crimes happened in the past, and Barack Obama's looking towards the future.
And when I heard that, I felt a lot better.
You know why?
Because all the crimes I've committed, they're in the past, too.
I'm so glad we're not prosecuting past crimes anymore.
I bet those people in prison are pissed off they committed their crimes in the future.
Jimmy, Jimmy, when I was a young man in New York City and I was drinking back then, and I would go out at night and murder prostitutes.
I was immature back then.
Also, when the cops would come arrest you, you'd be like, Hey, hey, I did that yesterday.
Barack Obama finally came out, said we're torturing people.
He said we tortured people.
And well, here's what he said.
Can I play it for you?
Here's what he said.
Okay, ready?
Even before I came into office, I was very clear that in the immediate aftermath of 9-11, we did some things that were wrong.
We did a whole lot of things that were right, but we tortured some folks.
I like he's going to put the little caveat in.
We did a lot of things that were right, right?
We did a lot of things that were right.
Okay, it was all right.
What did we do that was right?
I don't remember that.
I don't.
I got me too freaked.
We started a gigantic war that cost us billions of dollars and killed thousands of innocent people with the wrong country.
Where did we get in something right in all that?
You got me, Frank.
You got me, buddy.
So, here he goes on.
I think he just didn't want us to feel bad.
That's actually exactly right.
That's exactly right.
He doesn't want us to feel bad about the fact that we're just like the Nazis sometimes.
Yeah, we did some things right.
Sometimes we did some things that were contrary to our values.
Oh.
I understand why it happened.
Yeah, you understand why it happened because we had some criminal motherfuckers running our government.
That's why.
Because they invaded a country for oil around a pack of lies.
That's why.
And then they tortured people to make them give information that was false that said the al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein was working together.
You mean that's why you understand?
I don't think that's what you mean.
And they continue.
Because that's why it happened.
That is why it happened.
It wasn't that they were trying to get information.
They were torturing people to make them say that Al-Qaeda was working with Saddam Hussein when they weren't.
That's why you torture people not to get information.
You torture people so they say stuff that isn't true that you want them to say.
Jimmy, he said we did some things right.
Okay.
So here you go.
Wait, he says, like, you know, when you say it's understandable or you understand why it happened.
When in the wake of a crime, there's a policeman or does anyone say that?
Well, this person was murdered.
Look, I understand why it happened.
I have to arrest the person anyway.
You know, I mean, when does that nuance ever come into any kind of crime?
And by the way, murder, you know, to me, it's like it's not a better analogy, would be like rape because, you know, torture is like this heinous, horrible thing that hasn't, and then you're doing it on intentionally on purpose.
It's like rape.
So I understand why the rape happened.
You would never say that.
You would never say that.
But he's saying, I understand why torture happened.
I understand why we turned into animals.
That's what he's saying.
Okay, let's go around.
I think it's important when we look back to recall how afraid people were after the Twin Towers fell and the Pentagon had been hit and the plane in Pennsylvania had fallen and people did not know whether more attacks were imminent and there was enormous pressure on our law enforcement and our national security teams to try to deal with this.
Yeah, so if your job is really tough, you get to commit war crimes.
That's what he's saying.
So if your job is really, that's really what he's saying.
He's saying if your job is hard, you know, and you just might, you just, maybe you need to relax a little with some torture, right?
So if you're stressed, so a lot of times what happens in war, people get stressed.
And a way to release it, you torture some people.
So that's, is that what he's saying?
I think that's what he's saying.
Okay.
Yeah.
I almost, in a sense, think it's worse than that because it's just like this complete abdication of leadership.
Like, yeah, exactly.
We were scared and we were terrified.
Right.
And there was enormous pressure.
That's why you have values.
That's why you have values and that's why you have leadership and smart people making those critical decisions because they were admittedly hard decisions and you're allowed to be wrong.
But you're not really allowed to be immoral.
Yeah, exactly.
Thank you, Ben.
You know what?
All those people in the Middle East are really bad.
Yeah.
All right.
So he's got a little bit more to say.
And it's important for us not to feel too sanctimonious in retrospect about the tough job that those folks had.
Yeah, that's exactly what you'd say to anyone responsible for heinous human crimes.
You'd say, you know, in retrospect, don't give yourself such a hard time about it.
He sounds like my therapist.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, if you're afraid, you're under stress, torture relieves a lot of that pressure.
Yeah.
Is that what your therapist says?
Why is he talking?
What was the point of this?
What did he think he was going to get out of this?
Can I answer that?
I think he doesn't want the torturers to have their feelings hurt.
You don't want to hurt the torch.
Good point, Steph.
Instead of prosecuting, instead of prosecuting Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Rice for their crimes, let's just hug it out with them.
Yeah, let's hug it out.
Exactly.
I like how he says don't get sanctimonious.
Yeah, because, you know, waterboarding is bad, but sanctimony is really reprehensible.
Oh, I mean, who hasn't waterboarded prisoners over 180 times, right?
See, he who hasn't, throw the first stone.
That's what I say.
I would rather have an electrode attached to my balls than have someone be sanctimonious to me.
Oh, in a heartbeat.
Don't be sick.
See, only the sanctimonious hold war criminals accountable, Ben.
Remember how sanctimonious they were at Nuremberg?
Oh, I mean, they were so disgusting with the sanctimony, I almost kvetched.
They were so mean-spirited towards the verbals.
Yes, they were.
They were mean to him, and they were sanctimonious.
It's like there was you have to remember the circumstances in which Nazism flourished and in which the Holocaust happened.
It was a very tense time for Germans.
It was what?
Tense time.
Oh, it was a very tense time.
I'm sorry.
Why, you know, legitimately, from a political point of view, what was the point of this statement?
Like, did Barack Obama wake up this morning and a couple of advisors come in and they say, you know, you haven't seemed really weak in weeks.
You know?
You know, it's nearly, it's August 6th, and you haven't seemed like a giant pussy since June.
Exactly.
He said we tortured some folks with the same casualness, but he'd say we bought a zoo.
Yes, he did.
You know, Frank, and I'm glad that we don't hold ourselves to a higher standard or else we might have some sleepless nights about what we did.
You know, other nations looking down their noses at us, thinking they're better than us just because they follow international law and don't torture prisoners held in jail for over a decade without a trial.
You know what?
They're just jealous and sanctimonious.
I'll tell you that, goddamn psychomoni.
So there you go.
That's his big.
Well, the reason why he came out and he had to talk about it because there's that thing happening right now when the report's coming out, the CIA report on torture, and they redacted everything.
So what they did was, so the report is about who did torturing, who ordered torture, and where it happened, because it happened in foreign countries.
It didn't happen on our soil.
And American agents acting in other countries.
So that's important to know what countries it happened in, and it's important to know who did it and who ordered it.
But what they did, what the CIA did is they redacted, meaning they blacked out all the countries that were involved, all the people that were involved.
Even the names of the people who were tortured got blacked out.
So basically, that signed it with more had more blacked outs than Argy than Arby Lag.
Am I right?
The good news is that report's going to make an excellent mad lib.
So what so what they're basically left with is a report with no nouns.
So it's just a bunch of verbs strung together.
This happened.
Who did it?
We don't know where it happened.
I don't know.
It's all blacked out.
But just verbs of things happening, but they're not connected to anything.
And again, that's our own CIA.
The people who helped to protect us, they also need to not be able to be honest with us, too.
They're like another criminal organization trying to find other criminals.
Maybe that report was so hard to read.
I thought it was a Corbeck McCarthy novel.
Maybe if there's going to be an investigation and a report on crimes committed by the CIA, maybe you don't let the CIA have a look at it first.
Yeah, how about that?
Yeah.
How about that?
Yeah.
Oh, we can't.
I can't say that.
You're supposed to deduce from his soothing tone that he's saying, don't worry, we're not going to prosecute anyone.
Yes, it's exactly what he's saying.
So if you, yeah, his message has already been delivered.
Yeah, that's clear.
That's clear.
But we've been under pressure.
I mean, I hope the torturers are okay.
So it's been six months since Philip Seymour Hoffman died.
And strangely, he's got this movie out, A Most Wanted Man, and he's getting rave reviews.
And I actually did an interview with Philip Seymour Hoffman when he was shooting this film.
And I thought, well, we can listen to it now.
Okay, so let's go ahead and let's listen.
I got a phone call recorded with Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Is his name right?
You got his name right.
Nice show.
I got a record a phone call with him.
It was obviously before he died.
I have a few after he died, but there's not much.
We don't say much.
And so this is a call that I recorded.
I didn't know if I should play it, but I'm going to go ahead and play it now.
This is my phone call with him, okay?
Yeah.
Mr. Hoffman?
Sure.
You know, it's Jimmy.
It's Jimmy Door from the Jimmy Door show.
Yeah, that doesn't sound like a real thing.
No, it is.
It is.
We're a radio show based in Los Angeles.
I mean, you can't just take your name and put, you know, show at the end and claim that you have a thing.
Mr. Hoffman, your publicist set this up.
No, no, no.
It's fine.
I'll do the fucking interview.
And they're saying, if you're calling me in your parents' basement or something like that, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
So you're working on a new film?
Yeah, calling it a most wanted man, but I'm not really super on board with that title.
You're not?
It's just rewarding.
I don't care, but I think they should go with something a little like, you know, more compact.
Something more small, specific, like Batman.
Mr. Hoffman, I mean, there already is a Batman movie.
I'm well aware of that.
Holy shit.
His Philip Seymour Hoffman is funny.
And you know what?
To get the rest of it, it's going to be in the bonus content, right?
So if you come over and be a donor and you do the right thing, you go over to JimmyDoorComedy.com, click on premium, make your $5 donation a month.
That's it.
$5, that's nothing.
Or you can pay all at once and you save yourself $5.
So instead of $60 for the year, it's $55 and you get access to all the great premium stuff, just like you just heard the Philip Seymour Hoffman that we recorded while he was shooting his current film.
Okay, so do that and we'll see you there.
Hey, August 28th, the book signing is going to be at Vromans in Pasadena.
Okay, so I'll see you there.
And thanks to everybody who's gotten the book and read it.
Is that a word gotten?
And left reviews over at Amazon.com.
That was very nice.
Thank you very much for doing that.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Mark Van Landu, Robert Yasamura, and Steph Zamarano.
Remember to check out Frank's new podcast, Podhouse90.
It's available over at frankconniff.com.
Okay, and hey, big shout out to Sean James, who helps the podcast by donating his time and talent and making sure my Macintosh runs right.
You can check him out at SeanJames.com or send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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