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July 5, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, everybody, happy 4th of July, and welcome to our special show.
We're going to put together some clips, a conglomeration, some of our favorite sketches from the last couple of weeks.
And we're going to kick it off with Rand from Ben Mankowitz when he kicked off the show a few weeks back with his special rant.
Let's get to it right now.
So new in theaters this month, we have the Tom Cruise vehicle, The Edge of Tomorrow, or maybe it's Tomorrow is Another Edge, or Edge of Oblivion, or Jerry McEdge.
Whatever it's called, it's actually quite good.
It's a ton of fun.
Cruz plays a military officer who's really just a press flack for the war.
We're fighting against aliens.
He's the face that sells sending young men and women off to a foreign land to die.
It sounds fun, doesn't it?
Anyway, some sci-fi stuff happens to him.
And the day of our big invasion of France, that's where the aliens are, Tom Cruise keeps reliving the same day over and over and over, which means the pitch meeting went something like this.
It's Groundhog Day, meets saving Private Ryan, but with Tom Cruise.
Although I suspect if those brave soldiers from saving Private Ryan actually had to rescue Tom Cruise, they'd just leave him there.
Anyway, it got made.
And as I said, it's good.
But it was thumped at the box office by a movie called The Fault in Our Stars about a teenage girl with cancer who falls in love with a teenage boy with cancer.
And they have all these friends with cancer.
You spend the whole movie trying to figure out who dies in the end.
It's fun.
Of course, most of the audience already knows who buys it because they've read the young adult book and they've been waiting for this movie with the ignorant anticipation that only people who've never read The Catcher in the Rye can muster.
But hey, at least they're reading.
It's pretty insufferable, but it still beat Tom Cruise at the American box office.
Overseas, though, Cruz still won.
And you know why?
Because everyone else is smarter than we are.
The Edge of Top Gun was Tom Cruise's biggest opening ever in China.
I really can't believe I just said those words.
I was reminded of American unexceptionalism twice recently.
We had another school shooting this week, this one in Oregon, that's 74 since Sandy Hook.
74 school shootings.
But let's not exploit any of them, you know, to try to change the gun culture in America because that would be wrong.
Meanwhile, those pro-gun patriotic Republicans in the House have voted 54 times to kill the Affordable Care Act in some way.
So it's 74 to 54.
I can't believe the kids are winning.
We don't just shoot children in America.
We also shoot police officers.
This week, a guy who was booted off Clivin Bundy's ranch because he was too crazy for Clivin teamed up with his equally ignorant wife and murdered two cops in Las Vegas while the officers were at lunch eating pizza.
We paid attention to that story for nearly eight hours.
Meanwhile, a few days earlier, nearly the same thing happened in Moncton.
That's in Canada.
Three Royal Canadian mounted police officers were shot dead by an anti-government gun nut, a Canadian one this time.
How did Canadians respond?
The country was grief-stricken.
They were perplexed and in shock.
What we should be each time this happens.
All 200 cops in the detachment where the officers served are getting time off to grieve.
They're being replaced by other officers filling in from all over the country.
That is a normal response to that kind of violence.
Here, we just buy more AR-15s and wring our hands about the length of Bob Bergdahl's beard.
But there is good news for those disappointed in the current state of America.
For the next month, at least, we can root for the 31 other countries at the World Cup.
Nice job.
Very nice.
Trying to figure out who's going to die of cancer.
Isn't that just life?
I love you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for the kind of people It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, Kevin.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hey, welcome to this week's episode.
As I said, it's a conglomeration of some of my favorite segments from the past few months.
Right now we're going to talk about climate change and how it gets discussed by half of the country.
Okay, so now I'm just going to talk about, I was watching Fox News Sunday.
They were talking about climate change.
And, well, let me just say this.
I have to read this because it's hard to remember.
Thanks to the contraptions of digital and automated mechanisms transmitting to a satellite in orbit around the planet that broadcast the stationary centers that decode binary data into pictures and sound on a screen.
Thanks to that, I get to see people like George Will tell me not to trust science.
So it's funny because right-wingers believe that God gave man dominion over the earth, just not Earth's climate, apparently.
So here, let's start off.
I'll turn on Fox News because the White House came out with a big 800-page study saying that the effects of global warming are happening now.
We're feeling them now, and we're to a tipping point where we can't reverse it because the western shelf of the Antarctic has been breaking off and there's no turning back from that.
Like that's going to melt and it's going to rise to sea level and you can't stop that.
So you just have to prepare for it.
Right.
And of course, you don't have to prepare for anything over at Fox News, right?
Because they're still basking in the glory of the Romney presidential victory.
Okay, so here is Charles Krautheimer.
By the way, these are the intellects.
These are the big brains on the right.
Okay, Charles Krautheimer, real-life Frankenstein's monster.
Here we go.
Here's Charles Krautheimer.
Hey, Charles, could you start us off with some 10-year-old talking points that have been debunked a million times about climate change on a news show?
Could you start us off with that?
Let's see if he can.
What they tell you is that you should be scared about what's happening today.
Of course, if it's very cold in the winter, they blame it Here in the Northeast, they blame it on global warming.
But the report it says says that global warming makes summers hotter and winters are generally shorter and warmer.
Any scientific theory that explains everything explains nothing.
And no matter what happens in climate, which is unpleasant, the word for that is weather, it's attributed to global warming.
I mean, if we continue global warming up here in the Northeast, we're going to freeze to death.
It's like he's not even just being ignorant.
He's doing hack comedy now.
It's like, oh, if this global war games go, we're going to freeze ourselves.
So that's the intellectual on the right talking about climate change, throwing out three or four completely already debunked straw men and canards that we've all done.
You don't understand the difference between climate and weather.
He's still doing that.
So what he's doing is trying to purposely confuse their viewers.
They have done studies.
The more you watch Fox News, the dumber you are, the less you believe in science.
And you wonder why?
Here it is.
Here's their brain trust right here, George Will and Charles Krawheimer.
And so he goes on.
He's got more to say.
But the most important element is what McConnell was talking about.
The negligible gain.
Assume they are right about global warming.
Assume that it is all caused by man.
The United States has reduced carbon emissions since 2006 more than any other country on Earth.
We are right now at 1992 levels, according to the International Energy Agency.
And yet, carbon emissions have gone up globally.
Why?
We don't control the emissions of the other 96% of humanity, especially China and India.
As we dismantle the coal plants in our country, China and India together are adding one coal-fired plant every week.
The net effect is to ship the U.S. coal energy generating industry from here to India and China.
It will have zero effect.
If we could have a pact with other countries in which everybody would reduce their emissions, I would sign on.
In the absence of it, all that we're doing is committing economic suicide in the name of do-goodism that will not do an iota of good.
Yeah, see, he's here to tell us that global warming science is utter BS, but I'd sign on to a pact to, you know, international pact to control carbon emissions.
Of course, sure, sure.
Even though it's complete bullet BS, I would still sign on to a pact.
But I like how he also says, yeah, it'll be economic suicide if we switch to an economy of renewable energy as opposed to the actual suicide of CO2 created climate change.
Yes, yeah.
You know, you want to avoid the economic suicide in favor of an actual suicide that's going to kill everybody and the planet and raise the oceans and yeah, why should we do the right thing if no one else is?
What a deal.
He's like saying, no, hey, you know what?
I'm not going to stop smoking crack if my brother doesn't stop smoking crack.
Why should we stop doing something bad if the rest of the world wants to?
Changing our economy to renewable energy, it's a win-win.
There's no downside.
Charles Krautheimer sounds like he's been sucking on the tailpite of a Chevy for a little while too long.
Am I right?
Yeah.
Well, and by the way, it's a tremendous investment in our future.
I mean, in terms of infrastructure, because this is the way of the future.
It has to be the way of the future.
I mean, this is really like him standing by in like 1930s saying, I don't see why we need a freeway system.
That's right.
That's right, why do we need a free The air is unbreathable and we all have skin cancer, but guess what?
Business is great.
Exactly.
We want to be prosperous so that we can afford to buy the cool motorcycles and leather jackets for the post-apocalyptic world we're going to be living in.
It's like Krautheimer, he's in his usual state of a confused mind.
He would sign an international pact, but in the meantime, we should do nothing.
If we spent an entire lifetime of inhaling toxic carbon pollution, we would all think and sound like a wheezing Charles Krautheimer too.
So let's just keep that in mind.
All right.
Global warming, I think global warming has melted his soul.
Yes.
You know, we were asked to sign on to the Kyoto Protocols.
We were asked to show leadership in that.
Yeah, leadership.
And if we had, I would guarantee a lot of other countries would be much more willing to look at those, look at those issues.
But until we, who are the only nation who can really afford to start looking at those protocols readily, until we do, no one else is going to.
Also, what is his idea of economic suicide?
I guess it's not going to war with two countries that didn't attack us in the first place.
And it's not allowing banks to have all these subprime mortgages that put people underwater and send our economy crashing.
None of that.
He didn't speak out against any of that, which was actual economic suicide.
He's talking about this hypothetically.
He's the last person that you should go to for advice on anything, especially this topic.
Well, I'm telling you, here's the other intellectual on the right, George Will.
Okay.
Now, even though, Frank, George Will wears glasses and looks like he doesn't get laid, he's still not a scientist.
Okay?
He's just an old guy.
He's just an old guy who watches too much baseball.
All right.
And here's living proof of it.
Here he goes talking about climate change.
Ready, George Will?
After Katrina, I was really interested when they said this is a harbinger of increased hurricane activity, which since then has plummeted.
Now, Mr. Holdren, who introduced this report, has his own record of very interesting failed forecasts, not to mention Al Gore, who in 2008 said by 2013, for those of you keeping score at home, that's last year, the ice cap in the North Pole would be gone.
It's not.
Now.
See, Al Gore was wrong about the polar ice cap, so you can dismiss all the science and let's keep going.
Thank you very much.
You found a way to get to dismiss an entire field of science research because you don't like Al Gore.
You know, I don't believe, I don't subscribe to the theory of global warming and climate change because Al Gore.
How about because that's what the settled science is?
How about that?
How do you watch 10,000-year-old glaciers falling apart?
And it's visible.
Isn't George Will a 10,000-year-old glacier?
Yeah.
That's called weather.
Turns out, Frank, it's harder to sound smart while denying science than I thought it was.
It's really hard to sound smart.
These guys are literally science deniers.
It's going to get better.
Here we go.
George Will has even more to say about this.
Say, well, what about this report?
There is a sociology of science.
Scientists are not saints in white laboratories, Marks.
They've got interests like everybody else.
If you want a tenure-track position in academia, don't Question the reigning orthodoxy on climate change.
If you want money from the biggest source of direct research in this country, the federal government, don't question its orthodoxy.
Yes, that's right.
Science is one big conspiracy theory, according to George Will.
Damn it!
And you can't get money.
Where are you going to get money to do your climate research that says climate change is BS?
It's not like the oil companies, the most wealthiest corporations in the history of mankind, would fund that for you.
No, no, no.
All the scientists don't want any of that oil money.
They're going where the real money is.
I guess grants.
Windmills?
That sweet, sweet grant money.
Sweet, sweet grant money.
Can I just say for the record, if you're a scientist, if you're a climatologist, if you're a geologist, if you're any of those things, there are jobs in the private sector with the oil companies that pay chemicals and pay extraordinary amounts of money.
They would give you anything you wanted.
And what you're talking about right there is the 2% of scientists who have said that the climate change isn't real.
I'm just assuming that all of those are just people, scientists who are working on behalf of giants.
George Will, are you there, Frank?
Yes.
George Will is saying, literally saying, that science can't be trusted because they're all conspiracy.
They're all in cahoots, which this is the most insidious thing he could do to his viewers because now he's telling them don't trust science.
Don't trust intellects.
I know that when I was a kid, everyone I knew who just was interested in making a lot of money and becoming millionaires, they all became scientists.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
According to George, yes.
And by the way, if you're keeping score with what Al Gore said about the North Pole, never mind what Al Gore said about the North Pole, because right now the South Pole is the one that's breaking apart.
And also, you know what?
It occurs to me, too, for George Will to talk about these scientists will say anything because they want to keep their paychecks.
They want to keep their money coming in.
This is coming from a guy who was on Fox News, and he was saying exactly what Roger Ailes wants to hear to keep him on as a funding.
He is exactly what he is criticizing.
And so he's basically saying that climate scientists are doing science not because it's, you know, peer-reviewed and it's been tested and questioned.
And this is the, we've all come.
No, he's saying that they're just doing that out of peer pressure.
That's right.
Out of peer pressure.
At universities, Frank, when you see a little guy being pushed around in the hallway, those are just climate scientists peer pressuring someone into believing in climate change.
You see those guys with the pocket protectors and the poindexter glasses pushing the other kids around?
That's the peer pressure he's talking about.
When Albert Einstein came up with E equals MC squared, he was just being really commercial.
Yeah.
Well, he, watch this.
Charles Krautheimer is going to respond to the fact that 97% of all climate scientists, and by the way, let me just make this point.
There is no debate.
The people go, oh, you have to debate climate.
They're pretending that there's a debate going on.
It's like Sherry Shepard trying to debate if the Earth is round or not.
There is no debate over climate scientists.
The debate has taken place.
It took place between climate scientists.
That's the thing about George Krautheimer and George Will.
Neither climate scientists.
You need to bring a climate scientist on, and he'll tell you what the science is.
There is no debate.
The debate has taken place.
So whenever someone tries to debate you about climate science in your life, what you say to them is they go, yeah, you know, 3% of the carbon emission, whatever statistic that they pull out of their ass.
So what you say to them when they pull some statistic out of their ass and that you can't refute it, you go, I'm not debating climate science with you, just like I don't debate evolution with people, with creationists.
The science is settled.
Climate scientists have had this debate.
The debate is over.
You're not a scientist.
I'm not a scientist.
They've debated this.
It's over.
You're pretending that there's a debate.
There is no debate.
Go ahead, Frank.
Well, I was just going to say that despite what you're saying, anytime CNN or Sunday shows like Misa Press do a segment on climate science, they always have a debate about it.
Yes.
That's always how they present it.
They have Bill Nye supporting science, and they have another guy in favor of superstition.
And they treat it as an equal debate.
Yeah, that is the big problem.
And if they gave equal time to how many people believed evil either thing, that you'd have 97 climate scientists who explain the science of climate change, and then you'd have three guys on who don't get it.
So it would be 97 minutes like he had a hundred-minute show.
97 minutes would be those guys explaining the real science and three minutes would be a couple of nut jobs, right?
Be Donald Trump, George Will, and Charles Krautheimer.
That would be your three of the hundred.
So look, I have one more clip.
Here's Charles.
By the way, and that to me, this is the most insidious thing they do is when they have these people who tune into Fox and they make them distrust science.
They're making them distrust.
They're making it sound like it's a conspiracy.
Yes.
But to be fair, if you sat down and listened to their conspiracy theory and really think it's a conspiracy, you don't deserve to live.
Well, to be fair, Robert, Fox News viewers are in the early stages of senile dementia.
Right.
So they don't remember that.
They must find Fox News very comforting because it affirms all of their beliefs from 60 years ago.
Yes, yes, yes.
So the Fox News viewers don't remember that Charles Krautheimer and George Will have been wrong about everything for their entire life.
Their main problem is the rising of the water levels in their adult diapers.
Yes, yes.
You know, George Will still thinks that talkies are just a passing fancy.
So here we go.
Here's Charles Krautheimer, and he's got a few closing things to say.
99% of physicists were convinced that space and time are fixed until Einstein, working at a patent office, wrote a paper in which he showed that they are not.
So you can never, ever trust science.
You can never, how do you, why do you, why do you trust?
I say Einstein's wrong.
Einstein was wrong.
How could you say Einstein, like he was wrong?
But Einstein, and I may be wrong about this because I don't follow this that much, but I'm guessing that the reason Einstein ended up being so Famous and having such credibility in the world is because the majority of scientists agreed with his conclusions.
Yes.
And by the way, Newton before him, he had ample empirical evidence that backed up what he was saying to that point.
So did Einstein.
But science is evolutionary.
It changes over time.
We improve upon it constantly.
Yes.
I don't buy it.
I don't buy it.
I mean, to say that because Newtonian physics, which by the way, still works, was replaced largely by the general theory of relativity is not an argument against science.
It is just him displaying his own ignorance of what he's talking about.
Purposeful ignorance.
He's trying to confuse people.
Charles Krauheimer knows better.
Everything he, this is what I'm saying.
Like Charles Kraaldheimer is a bland liar.
He knows better.
And it's like I just said there, they want to keep their six-figure salaries on Fox News.
They're just saying what they think Fox News wants to hear.
Want to hear, and they're total whores.
Yes.
And not for nothing.
Physics and biology.
Physics and climate science are very different sciences.
Yes.
And to say that the general theory of relativity replacing Newtonian physics is the equivalent of a purely empirical science like this is outrageous.
It is an apples and orange comparison.
Well, I mean, it's just one outrageous thing.
This whole segment's outrageous.
So here we go.
He's got more to say.
I'm not impressed by numbers.
I'm not impressed by consensus.
What does impress you?
Conspiracy theories, conjecture, the opposite of science.
Is that what impresses you?
Money and Jesus.
Oh, that's right.
Money and superstition.
That's what impresses Charles Krautheimer.
There we go.
When I was a psychiatrist, I participated in consensus conferences on how to define depression and mania.
These are things that people negotiate in the way you would negotiate a bill because the science is unstable.
Because in the case of climate, the models are changeable.
Okay, that's not how climate science happens.
People don't get in a room and debate it like they do the DSM, whatever that's.
The DSM-5.
This is not how climate science happens, okay?
I'm not going to take time to break it down for you.
Okay, so I don't want to get too into the weeds on this, but that's not how they do it.
Again, he's just lying.
Charles Kraunheimer is pretending like science is politics, and it's not, even though he wants it to be.
Okay, here we go.
Because climate is so complicated.
The idea that we who have trouble forecasting what's going to happen on Saturday in the climate could.
No, that's weather.
That's not the climate.
Okay, so you know, and by the way, he knows the difference.
Still lying.
Still, could he be a more horrible human being?
Could there be anything more important than climate science right now?
So, you know, thanks to science, most forecasts about what the weather is going to be like on Saturday are usually pretty amazingly accurate.
Pretty accurate.
And by the way, in 1976, they predicted exactly what's going on.
I remember watching television and them saying the sea levels are going to rise.
This is what's going to happen if things continue.
It's been accurate.
Again, they're just pretending that there's a debate.
They're pretending that the pretend to be predicting what's going to happen in 30, 40 years is absurd.
And you always see that no matter what happens, whether it's a flood or it's a drought, whether it's one that's warming or cooling, it's always a result of what is ultimately what we're talking about here, human sin with pollution of carbon.
It's the oldest superstition around.
It was in the Old Testament.
It's in the rain dance of Native Americans.
If you sin, the skies will not cooperate.
This is quite superstitious, and I'm waiting for science which doesn't declare itself definitive, but is otherwise convincing.
That's a straw man argument.
That's not what anybody's saying.
That's not what anyone's saying.
Of course, it's a straw.
So let me just sum up here, Robert.
According to Fox News and George, this is the intellectuals on the right.
Do you heard?
They can't even make a decent argument.
They would get kicked out of debate school, both these guys.
This is their intellects on the right.
To sum up, climate change isn't happening.
If climate change is happening, it isn't man-made.
If climate change is man-made, America shouldn't do anything about it because other countries won't do anything about it.
We should continue to use finite resources like oil, coal, and gas because we'll always have the Middle East and pollution is awesome.
Five, Al Gore.
Six, corporate profits are more important than breathable air and drinkable water.
Seven, science is just a conspiracy.
Eight, 50 million Elvis fans can't be wrong.
And nine, it's been really cold in the Northeast lately.
So this is what the conservative intellectuals think.
So now you know why conservative dummies think the same thing.
Yes.
Hey, everybody.
Guess what I got on the phone?
I've got joining me on the phone right now is the President of the United States.
Wow.
That's right.
I got President of the United States, Mr. B-Rock Biho Obama.
Hello, Mr. Obama.
Mr. President, are you there?
Thank you, Jimmy.
I'm glad you feel that way.
I appreciate your support.
Well, Mr. President, I didn't say anything about supporting you.
I just told the audience that you were my guest today.
That's all he did.
Oh, okay.
Sorry.
Since this is public radio, I just reflexively assumed you were bowling smoke up my ass.
No, no, no.
Actually, I just wanted to talk to you about net neutrality.
Well, I'm glad you're in favor of my stance on it.
Well, I'm not in favor of your stance on it.
In fact, I want to know exactly where you stand on it right now.
Hey, go easy, Jimmy.
I don't need this shit.
Anytime I want, I can go on MSNBC in an ego massage with a happy ending.
Yeah, Mr. President.
Have you heard MSNBC's new slogan?
Barack Obama.
We love him long time.
Okay.
No, I hadn't heard that.
But I did want to ask you about the fact that you came out very strongly in favor of net neutrality when you were campaigning in 2007.
Yet now your support of it's very, very tepid.
2007?
Who says it that way?
Me.
Anyway, that's not true, Jimmy.
My support of net neutrality is as strong as ever.
It's just that my strong support of it is now on a different tier with a slower dial-up speed.
Whereas my understanding of the needs of giant telecommunications corporations and big media companies is in a high-speed fast lane with instant access to the whole office.
Okay, listen.
You know, Mr. President, this reminds me of your treatment of Wall Street, to be honest.
It sounds like, once again, gigantic conglomerates have you in their pocket.
I was never in the pocket of Wall Street, Jimmy.
Don't let the fact that I was covered with Jamie Diamond Lent for several years give you the wrong impression.
Yeah, well, there was a time when I thought you might be the kind of president who spoke truth to power.
Do you know that, Mr. President?
But I am, Jimmy.
I've just given the powerful more power.
So there's more power for me to speak power to.
That doesn't even make.
I know.
That's funny to you, right?
That makes sense, doesn't it?
No, that doesn't really make sense.
But not really.
Yeah, here you've left.
That does not really make sense, Mr. President.
Jimmy, could you please be a little less two-shaped and a little more touring?
You mean Ture from MSNBC?
Yeah, that motherfucker is throwing the tank for me.
He supported my drone strike program.
Even I was like, are you kidding me?
I mean, if I'm watching MSNBC in the middle of the day, I'm expecting a handjob, but this was ridiculous.
Listen, I'm sorry, Mr. President, but as you might expect, net neutrality is a very important topic to me here.
And if you continue to waffle on this issue, I'm going to be very vocal in my criticism of you.
You got it?
Fine, Jimmy.
I don't mind that at all.
Especially since in about a year or two, your bandwidth is going to be so weak, the people in the same room as you aren't going to be able to hear your podcast.
Well, thanks for joining us, Mr. President.
I'm guessing you won't be doing any more of these independent podcasts like this in the future, will you?
Are you kidding?
Right after I'm done here, I'm going to be a guest on my favorite quirky off-beat podcast.
Well, what's that called?
WTF with Timothy Geithner.
Okay.
All right, President Obama.
Thank you very much.
I voted for that guy.
Me too.
Me too.
People say, Jimmy, how do I help support the show?
And without actually spending any money out of my own pocket.
And I say I have a great way you can help support the show is the next time you want to buy something from Amazon.com, you go to JimmyDoorComedies.com and you click on our Amazon box, which then takes you to Amazon.com.
And then when you buy something, they send us money.
That's not that complicated.
Gilbert still doesn't understand it, but I'm explaining it to everybody else.
So thanks, everybody who already does that and thinks about the Jimmy Door show when they buy something from Amazon.com.
It's just that easy.
You go over to JimmyDoorComedy.com, you click on the Amazon box.
It takes you right to Amazon.com.
And then when you buy something, they send us money.
It doesn't cost you anything.
Doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon, but it sure does help support the show.
So thanks to everybody who does that and bookmarks our Amazon link.
That's really nice.
Okay, let's get back to the second half.
A lot of great stuff coming up.
Thank you.
Thank you.
you Thank you.
you Jimmy Doar, this is Bill O'Reilly.
Hey, Bill.
How you doing, buddy?
Good to hear your voice.
I've heard you've been talking about George Will and his attempt to shame rape victims into shutting their whining mouths.
Yeah, shaming rape victims and scaring them into shutting up.
I don't know, Bill.
By book, that's pretty despicable.
Listen, Doorknob.
What you don't understand about George Will is that he's a nerd.
He knows about numbers and math and science and crap.
So we have a problem that involves numbers of science and junk.
We call George Will the nerd, and he validates our ignorance while wearing glasses and a bow tie.
So people think it must be true.
Like with global warming, it's accepted science.
So we bring on George Nerdy McDortmeister Will, and he tells everybody that scientists are big scammers.
And since he looks like he jerks off the pictures of calculators, believe him.
He's like our science version of Juan Williams.
How's that?
What do you mean?
He's the thinking man's Uncle Tom.
Oh, okay.
Wow.
You know, Bill?
Even I'm not that cynical.
Honest to God.
Even I am.
George Will's glasses and bowtie give us cover to deny science and dismiss facts that contain statistics in the same way that Juan Williams' colored skin gives me and Bernie Goldberg the needed covered erase bait on a nightly basis.
Okay, okay.
Bill, that's horrible.
Yeah.
Horribly effective.
Jimmy, you are such a liberal fancy waste.
Get your woo, boy.
I draw.
It's a basic fucking playbook, you pussy.
Okay, listen.
And you're proud of that, aren't you?
That that's your basic playbook.
Aren't you proud of that?
Well, the beauty is in the simplicity.
Bet your ass we're proud.
What do you mean?
Please get a member of whatever group we happen to be horribly smearing at the moment and have them come on and sit there quietly while we say it.
Or, bonus, we get someone from the group we are presently smearing to actually repeat our smears.
And we are golden, completely immune from any proper societal condemnation.
And that's...
Yes, I have seen that.
That's horrible.
Now, is that how you get away with being such a horribly destructive person, tearing our country apart?
And yet somehow you still get ass on the view and show up as a presenter at the Kennedy Center Awards?
Bingo.
See, if we want to scare our audience about blacks, we have Juan Williams sit there quietly while we do it.
Uh-huh.
Or let's say we want to demonize some scapegoat filthy Mexican immigrants.
You get Geraldo.
Now you're getting it.
Okay.
All right.
I follow it.
And now let's say we want to denigrate science or statistics about rape being a problem on college campuses.
Uh-huh.
What do you do?
We go with nerd extraordinaire, George Will.
People think this guy looks like someone who's never had sex.
And they believe him.
That's why George Will, that's why he got picked to write that column.
Exactly.
Rape has been systematically covered up on college campuses.
We all know that.
You know that, Bill?
Sure.
So why is it being covered up?
It's bad for business, Jimbo.
Nobody wants their daughter to want to college it a rape factory.
That's true.
Okay, all right, Bill.
Good.
So colleges have been covering up and not reporting sexual assaults to give the appearance of having a safer campus?
Yeah, and it worked perfectly well until President Barack, everybody's a rape victim Obama, upset the apple cart and started playing with the rules and making colleges protect women from rapists.
But aren't you for protecting women from rapists too?
Yeah, in theory, yes.
Let's face it.
Most women are dirty, filthy liars.
Most of the time, they admit to even knowing they're rapists.
Well, yeah, that's what makes it horrible.
They know they're rapists a lot of the time.
It's bad.
It can't be rape if you know the girl.
There we go.
Everybody knows that.
Especially that uptight bitch, Kimberly Cassius, who, by the way, was not too drunk to consent and was awake for a lot of it.
Bill!
That's so...
What exactly are you saying by that statement?
I'm saying if a woman can be raped by someone they know, I mean, if that was the case, then I'd have been put in jail in college twice a semester.
See, I knew it, Bill.
You're a misogynistic date raper.
I knew it.
That's a lie.
I don't hate women.
I love women.
Really?
I love that they're physically smaller and easier to intimidate.
And they're emotional and easy to discredit in court.
I love everything about them.
Especially the ones who take an indisclosed sum in out-of-court settlements to keep their mouths shut.
Okay.
You know what, Bill?
Thank you very much for grossing me out today.
I appreciate it.
Oh, this talk has made me horny.
All right, Bill.
You're despicable.
You're despicable.
So Edward Snowden, by the way, patriot, case you weren't.
That's the big debate right now.
Patriot or traitor?
I don't know.
I'm going to go patriot.
When you expose criminality inside your own government and you do it at the personal cost of yourself, I'm going to say that's a patriot.
He didn't make any money off it, didn't get anything out of it, had to leave his life in Hawaii.
Now he lives in Russia.
Guys, this guy's pretty much, I think he did it for the right reasons.
I think he did it for the right reasons.
So yes.
Hey, Jimmy, if only Edward Snowden was wearing one of those little American flagpens.
Then people realize that he's a patriot.
Why didn't he put on one of those lapel flag pins?
That's how you'd know he loved America.
Because those flagpens have surveillance equipment inside.
So they've been trying to discredit him all along, obviously.
And what they've done is they tried to say, oh, he was just a low-level hack.
President Obama referred to him as a hacker.
And so that's kind of rubbed him the wrong way, Edward Snowden.
And he wanted to, well, he said this about it.
So when they say I'm a low-level systems administrator, that I don't know what I'm talking about, I'd say it's somewhat misleading.
Yeah, so he says it's misleading.
But then I think he kind of starts to overcompensate a little.
You know what I mean?
It's like, well, here, he starts to like, here we go.
This is what he says.
I was trained as a spy in sort of the traditional sense of the word, in that I lived and worked undercover overseas, pretending to work in a job that I'm not, and even being assigned a name that was not mine.
Okay, so I got it.
All right, we got you.
You were a spy.
You worked overseas.
You were the real, your regular James Bond.
We get it.
We get it.
Okay, so now let's move on.
I've worked for the Central Intelligence Agency undercover overseas.
Okay, Ed, really?
Seriously, it's starting to meet thinks thou protest too much.
All right, we got it, buddy.
I've worked for the National Security Agency undercover overseas.
Okay, Eddie, listen, we think we got your bona fides, baby.
You're the real deal.
Now, just give it a word.
I worked for the Defense Intelligence Agency as a lecturer at the Joint Counterintelligence Training Academy.
Okay, well, good for you, Eddie.
I'm sure we're going to get to put a little bow in your button or bonnet, whatever they say.
And so let's just move on.
Can we move on, Eddie?
I am a technical specialist.
I am a technical expert.
Okay.
All right.
We got it.
He went a little over the top there, didn't he?
I got it.
No, that was important for him to do because they keep trying.
And what they do with everybody, whoever blows the whistle on anybody, is they immediately start discrediting them.
Immediately start discrediting them.
And then what happens is the news media immediately start repeating those talking points that discredit the whistleblower, right?
And so now here's how Brian Williams started off the interview.
So he had, by the way, a four-hour interview.
Four-hour interview.
Have you ever heard anyone do a four-hour interview about anything?
Chris Christie did a 45-minute press conference.
Everybody couldn't get over how he could stand up that long, right?
So everybody was like, oh, my God.
He has had four-hour dinners.
He has had it.
Yes, yes.
He's a large man.
He is a large man.
So here's how Brian Williams starts off.
He introduces the interview with Edward Snowden.
Here's what he has.
Let's begin with a reminder of what this 30-year-old has done and why.
First of all, that bothers me.
I don't understand why they always mention his age.
I think the implication is that what he did is a result of immaturity.
Yes, that's that is so and then Brian Williams repeats that.
But Frank, people have said about the maturity thing that Snowden was able to do this because he didn't have a family.
He didn't have kids.
He doesn't have a mortgage.
So really, he's exactly like a television writer.
My point is, why aren't television writers doing something good for their country?
Yeah, I agree with you.
So here's, let's hear how Brian Williams introduces the piece again.
Begin with a reminder of what this 30-year-old has done and why he's living in exile overseas.
So again, why you got to mention his, so that is why they mentioned the name because it kind of, again, it can diminishes him.
He's not a grown-up.
But this 30-year-old, I mean, 30, I think Steven Spielberg was 25 when he did JAWS.
I think Orson Welles was the same age when he did.
I mean, what does that have to do with how well?
I mean, how old do you need to be?
And he changed the world.
How old do you need to be to expose criminals inside your government?
I say 18.
I say that's old enough.
Anyway, so here, Brian.
I just want to remind you what this 32-year-old prophet does.
So here we go, Brian.
Bring us home.
I am.
Let's begin with a reminder of what this 30-year-old has done and why he's living in exile overseas, wanted for espionage in this country.
The classified documents he stole, downloaded from the NSA and handed over to journalists, blew the lid off data mining programs that had been launched in the wake of and in the name of 9-11.
Now, you notice how Brian Williams is, he's framing everything.
And what he said there was that he stole documents.
He applies the correct criminality charge to Edward Snowden, but very interestingly, or suspiciously, he leaves any criminal wording off of what the government did.
So he says that he illegally stole, he stole this stuff, and it blew the lid off of data mining.
He didn't say it blew the lid off illegal, unconstitutional, systematic law breaking inside of our government.
He doesn't say that.
He says, well, I'll tell you, here's what he says.
The classified documents he stole, downloaded from the NSA and handed over to journalists, blew the lid off data mining programs that had been launched in the wake of and in the name of 9-11.
So there you go.
They're just data mining programs.
They're not illegal.
They're not unconstitutional.
They don't undermine our, they don't undermine our freedom and liberty.
They're not an invasion of our privacy.
They don't break the Fourth Amendment.
Nothing.
He doesn't say anything.
He just says they're data mining.
He blew the roof off, the lid off the data mine.
It sounds nice almost, data mining.
He doesn't want to say anything that'll make it awkward when he runs into any of these people at the White House correspondents did it.
Yeah, when him and James Clapper are doing the hokey pokey at a wedding out at Martha's Vineyard.
He doesn't want it to be uncomfortable with the guy who lied to Congress.
So here he goes on to frame this even more.
They have names like Prism and Boundless Informant and X Key score.
Some of them designed to vacuum up phone and internet data from companies like Verizon and Google and Apple and Yahoo.
And some of them, if directed, could zero in on any one of us.
And again, the words that he is leaving out is illegal, criminal, unconstitutional, undermining.
He's leaving all these words out, not saying any of those words when he.
Well, these are the same journalists that never say the word torture that always say enhance interrogation.
They say you're correct.
They say enhance the date.
Whatever the government tells them to say, we'll say.
Hey, by the way, if someone else did waterboarding, we'd call it torture.
But it says we're doing it.
We call it whatever the government says we'll call it.
Okay, so here's a little bit more framing from Brian.
I almost called him Brian Regan.
Here we go.
It's Brian Williams.
Well, he is comedic.
He is funny like Brian Regan.
Here we are.
Snowden came to this interview clearly armed with talking points, ready to tell his story.
Frankie, did you catch that?
Snowden came to this interview clearly armed with talking points, ready to tell his story.
You mean clearly armed with stuff that everybody you've ever interviewed in your life has brought to an interview, meaning ideas of what they're going to talk about.
Every day you interview a politician.
Have you ever once said that about Mitch McConnell or anyone else?
You've Ted Cruz or Joe Scarborough or anybody you've ever interviewed on your show.
Have you ever introduced them like, well, well, obviously, Rahm Emmanuel came loaded with his talking points.
Right, right.
Yeah, it's everyone he's ever interviewed.
Like every, how about that?
How about you?
You can say that, but you have to, you have to put in front of that, Brian, like every person else I've ever interviewed on this program, Edward Snowden was ready for me.
How about that?
He had some talking points.
This just drives me crazy.
Again, the framing of somehow what he did was illegal, but what the government was doing was just massive.
And that and that he somehow he's also nefarious.
He's ready.
This guy's savvy, man.
Like this guy isn't an innocent kid.
He knows exactly what he's doing.
He's ready for it.
This is exactly what Brian Williams is doing here.
Okay, so.
Jimmy, I didn't realize that revelations that the government has an unconstitutional surveillance program.
I didn't realize that's just a talking point.
That is, that is just a talking point.
So they asked Edward Snowden if he thinks he's a traitor or a patriot.
And he said yes, he thought he was a patriot because, according to him, what a patriot does, hold on.
So here's what Edward Snowden.
I don't have the clip, but I'll read it to you what he said.
He said, I think a patriot is a word that's thrown around so much that it can be devalued nowadays.
Being a patriot doesn't mean prioritizing service to government above all else.
Being a patriot means knowing when to protect your country, knowing when to protect your Constitution, knowing when to protect your countrymen from the violations of and encroachments of adversaries, and those adversaries don't have to be foreign countries.
So that sounds like a reasonable talking point to me.
Sounds like he was.
Who could disagree with that?
That's exactly what a patriot is.
A patriot swears allegiance to the Constitution and to protect the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and domestic.
So domestic, meaning people who are trampling on the Constitution while employed by the government.
That doesn't mean that they are the government.
That means that they're employed by the government, right?
So I agree.
I could not agree more.
A patriot does not prioritize service to the government above all else.
Being a patriot means knowing when to protect your country, when to protect your Constitution, and when to protect your countrymen.
That is such a great, great definition of what a patriot is.
I like this guy.
I like Edward Snowden.
I like everything he did.
I like that he risked.
So here's, so he gave himself that description.
John Kerry went on CBS this morning.
Charlie Rose is on that show, by the way, because apparently he's trying to win the biggest bags under my eyes contest that I've ever seen.
And Charlie, take a break.
Take a nap.
You don't have to work all the time.
And so here's what, so they had on John Kerry on the CBS.
And here's what John Kerry had to say about Edward Snowden calling himself a patriot.
The bottom line is this is a man who has betrayed his country, who is sitting in Russia, an authoritarian country, where he is taken refuge.
You know, he should man up and come back to the United States if he has a complaint about what's the matter with American surveillance.
Come back here and stand in our system of justice and make his case.
So why do you think Edward Snowden would not come back to America and make his case?
I don't know.
You mean he wants to, I don't know, maybe because you tortured Bradley Manning for a year before you ever took him to trial.
Maybe you torture Jose Padilla.
You torture Bradley Manning, who's now Chelsea Manning.
You torture.
This is how you treat people who you consider terrorists.
So you were going to torture him.
And maybe that's why, because he exposed you guys for being criminals.
And now what you want him to do is then throw himself on the mercy of the criminals he's exposing inside of the criminal organization that he's exposing for being a criminal organization.
Guys who have already admitted to using torture on their own prisoners and you want him to man up.
Well, I say to you, John Kerry, how about you man up?
And why don't you prosecute four or five war criminals that I know of right now living in the United States who have been giving commencement speeches all over the goddamn country?
You know, like Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney and George Bush.
You know, the people who go on Sunday afternoon talk shows in America and brag about ordering war crimes.
Why don't you man up and prosecute one of those war criminals who are self-admitted, who live right here freely inside the United States?
Why don't you man up and do that?
But no, you want this guy who did a service to our democracy.
You want him to man up and come back here to get tortured and be prosecuted unfairly because he wouldn't be able, he wouldn't be able to give a defense because they would say everything he wanted to use as his defense is classified.
So he wouldn't be able to have a defense, which is another reason why he's not coming back here, which is another reason why John Kerry is full of it.
And I can't believe I burned my t-shirt, by the way.
I used to love wearing my John Kerry 2004 t-shirt.
And I don't even wear it to bed anymore.
I burned it.
It's all over.
If you want to talk about manning up, the journalist Mark Christian Miller, I think I'm getting his name right, wrote about how the Bush people basically stole Ohio in 2004, and that's why John Kerry didn't win.
John Kerry saw him at a party and totally agreed with what he was saying, and then later on television, he denied it and said, no, the election wasn't stolen.
So that's the kind of manning up that John Kerry is known for doing.
And also, he talks about.
You can't go against your skull and crossbones, brother.
Yeah.
He's also talking about one thing that really got me was in that was he mentioned, oh, he's living in Russia, an authoritarian regime.
Okay, yes, it is authoritarian.
But you, John Kerry, as Secretary of State, negotiate and do business with them all the time.
So it's just very disingenuous for him to mention that they're authoritarian, whereas they are actually a country that America recognizes and that America does business with.
And during that interview, Snowden was criticizing the Russian government while in Russia.
That in itself is braver than anything that Jeffrey Toobin has ever done.
All of us, Edward Snowden's critics.
And also, Jimmy, I mean, you got it so wrong.
I mean, revealing that the government is violating the Fourth Amendment is much, much worse than sending hundreds of thousands to their death in a war based on a lie.
You got your priorities all wrong.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Thank you.
Mr. Speaker, is that you?
It's Jimmy Dore.
Oh, book.
Great.
Are you okay, Mr. Speaker?
Passing a stone.
I'm sorry to hear that.
That's painful.
It could be worse.
Thankfully, I have got an incredibly wide urethra.
Okay.
What do you got, Jimbo?
Well, I wanted to talk to you about this Benghazi committee you're setting up.
Oh, man, I'd rather just get back to passing the stone.
Well, you seem genuinely outraged.
Jimmy, I can act morally indignant at Ryan's sea crest if I have to.
That's one of my skills.
So you're not really upset about this recent memo from Deputy National Security Advisor Tom Rhodes to Ambassador Rice.
Man, that thing is just standard operating procedure.
It's a spin memo.
I've got 12 of those things in my inbox right now.
Really?
What do your spin memos say?
You really need to ask.
Obamacare, repeal and replace.
Do not say we got fucking nothing and don't actually care about poor people's health at all.
Oh, here's what I like.
As far as you know, Lindsey Graham is not some weird self-hating closet case.
He's a manly man who totally has sex with women all the time.
Where do these spin memos come from?
I don't know.
The Koch brothers, Chamber of Commerce, whoever else has their fingers up against my prostate this week.
Pretty much all of them say bring it back to Benghazi.
And you do?
Fuck yeah, I do.
Turn around the camera sometime.
You'll see a Koch brothers agent miming slitting my throat and mouthing Benghazi over and over.
So you said you're setting up a select committee to investigate this.
What do you mean by select?
I don't fucking know, man.
Liquor companies do.
You got a shitty liquor?
You got a slightly different shitty liquor?
You call that select.
Like Budweiser select.
They could just as easily call it Pisswater 2 electric boogaloo.
So you're not going to actually handpick the members of the committee?
Tell you what, I'm going to throw a handful of my vomit down the hall, and anyone it hits has to be on the committee.
And what is it that you expect this committee to find?
Haven't you been listening?
I don't expect them to find Jack all, man.
There have already been 13 hearings and 50 briefings on this shit.
We could have cured cancer by now.
What I expect them to do is run out the clock till the midterms and hope to God that Americans never figure out that we have no fucking ideas at all.
Can you imagine what would happen if they asked Louis Gohmert what his actual ideas are on anything?
Within two minutes, he'll have on his tinfoil hat and be babbling on about the elders of Zion.
So you guys really have no ideas at all.
Yeah, sure.
Obamacare.
That was our fucking idea.
An immigration bill, that thing was practically read by the John Birch Society.
We're totally baited into a corner here, and I'm trying to hold together the party with both hands and my dick.
What about pay equity?
What were your ideas on that?
Well, my idea was to pretend it wasn't a problem.
Oh, women make less than men.
Whoop, they freaking do.
It's a good idea compared to some of these jackals.
Mitch McConnell wanted to release a statement saying, yeah, that's what bitches get.
You're welcome.
Look, Jimmy, the stone is shifting.
So I gotta go with.
They're a stranger.
I'm sorry, sir.
Why would you whiz through a strainer?
I'm keeping the crystals.
I have a crash project I'm doing with them.
What?
Sorry, Jimmy, I gotta go down.
My P-hole is at full dilation.
Four centimeters.
Okay, that was John Vader.
Going through some changes.
He's having a tough time.
Your country's just not that into you on sale right now at bookstores everywhere, amazon.com.
It's available as an iBook through iTunes.
You can get it a million places, a billion different ways, or go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on the link over there for your country is just not that into you.
Go get it.
That's our show for this week.
Thanks for listening to the show and our conglomerate.
I like to say conglomeration of some of our favorite sketches from the last few weeks.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dorr saying.
I'll see you at Las Vegas July 15th through the 20th.
I'll see you in San Francisco, July 12th, with the Young Turks.
Again, links for all that stuff over at the website.
Today's show written by Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Mark Van Landuit, Robert Yasamura, Paul Kozlowski, and Steph Zabarano.
Of course, all the voices you heard today by the one and only the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
Okay, I'll see you next week.
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