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May 31, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
This past week, we celebrated Memorial Day, and President Barack Obama said he was going to pull us out of Afghanistan.
I think we can all agree on one thing.
After a decade of occupying Afghanistan, it was worth it.
And as far as Memorial Day goes, it still strikes me odd how Americans like to say happy Memorial Day to each other.
Yes, remembering the youth we send to their deaths always brings out my happiness.
The leaders in Washington love veterans, which is why they make so many of them.
I think it would be appropriate if every Memorial Day, everyone had to file endless paperwork and wait for months for their Memorial Day barbecue burgers.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined on the phone all the way from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
Hey, Frank, how are you?
Hello there.
Yay, Frank.
Frank was on XM yesterday with John Fuglesang, the XM Sirius.
Yeah, SM Sirius.
They don't pay serious money, though.
They pay more.
They don't.
It was pro photo work.
Also on the phone from San Francisco, hilarious comedian.
It is Mark Van Landuan.
Hey, Mark, how are you?
Hi, everybody.
Nice to hear your voice, Mark.
All right, let's get to some jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, Dick Cheney went on the news again this past weekend, every weekend, and he was once again called Obama weak.
He said that Obama lacked backbone, the backbone required to start costly quagmires and not capture bin Laden.
That's a joke that is never going to die.
That joke, that joke's got, that joke just got a heart transplant.
It's going to live forever.
Yeah, unfortunately, Cheney's never going to die either.
Yes, unfortunately.
That's what I mean.
Hey, did you know, did you hear about Brad Pitt?
Did you hear what happened to Brad Pitt on the red carpet the other day?
A fan jumped the rope and attacked him.
Right?
Isn't that what happened, Frank?
Yeah, that's what happened.
And you know what I say?
I say, with Vin Diesel and Ashton Kutcher still walking the earth, Brad Pitt get punched in the face?
Really?
And that was right.
Hey, by the way, gun violence.
It happened again, right?
So it's just a couple times a month now.
I guess we just have some mass shootings.
And this gun violence, though, this time may inspire many pundits to stop, reflect, and then decide, hey, I need to be an even bigger douchebag.
You know, is it weird?
Is it weird?
I ask you, is it weird that I care deeply about the Kim Kardashian Kanye West wedding and can never be happy unless they're happy?
We all understand.
I think we all understand that.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
We got phone calls from Barack Obama, Bill O'Reilly, Ron Paul calls in, plus Ripped Horns, Hollywood drunk tank.
Yes, they're going to make an appearance.
Plus, we're going to talk about Joe Scarborough went over to Fox News.
You'd think he'd feel comfortable, but he wasn't.
They gave him a hard time.
Plus, Edward Snowden sits down with Brian Williams, who took some night off from his improv class to go interview Edward Snowden in Russia.
And we're going to take a look at that.
Plus, Ted Cruz talks about the First Amendment, huh?
God bless that guy.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's all today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
So we got the President of the United States on the phone.
The president, are you there, Mr. President?
Jimmy D, this is Poltis Prime.
Hey, how you doing, Mr. President?
Good to have you on the show.
Thanks for taking the call.
Yo, Jimmy, I thought we were going to hang out.
The other week I was in California, or as we Democrats call it, Calicutin, California.
I was in Silicon Valley and Bel Air.
You know, I know you didn't go.
You didn't go to Watts or Oakland.
Why would I?
I can't stand black people either.
What?
Mr. President.
I'm just messing with you.
Okay.
Jimmy, why didn't you come backstage?
I could have introduced you to my Secret Service guys.
They're like road comics.
In fact, I bet you all know the same waitresses.
Listen, I'm sorry I wasn't able to make it out.
You know, $1,000 and plate dinners kind of give me indigestion, Mr. President.
It's a good deal.
You get to keep the plates.
Okay, great.
Listen, listen, I saw that photo op you did for Walmart.
Walmart.
Gross, Mr. President.
I was there to praise Walmart's environmental business policy.
Think of all the trees they say by not giving their employees a living wage.
That's a lot of green.
Oh, that's okay.
I guess I see what you're saying.
Did you see my big foreign policy speech about Afghanistan?
Yes, I did see your Afghanistan speech.
I did.
What do you think?
I don't know.
It seemed like a lot of vagaries, a lot of contradictions, a lot of non-sequiturs.
Well, you speak in Latin.
What?
Yeah, great, wasn't it?
No, no, no, no.
So are we really getting out of Afghanistan?
Afghans have to be able to determine their own future.
That's why we've been occupying their country for the last 13 years.
Wow.
You know, it's kind of unbelievable.
We've been fighting in Afghan for 13 years.
Well, we had to stay there until we achieved our objectives.
What are our objectives in Afghanistan?
Damn, Nevano.
Uh-huh.
When people like you voted for me for change, I interpreted as wanting to stay another eight years fighting in the Middle East.
You know, that's kind of the exact opposite of what I wanted when I voted for you.
Jimmy, nobody but you thinks this is a big deal.
Really?
If I hadn't said anything, nobody would have remembered we're still in Afghanistan.
Probably.
Fox News turned away in the middle of my speech because I didn't mention Benghazi.
Okay, you know, some people are saying you forwarded a new philosophy on foreign policy for America in that speech.
We want the other countries of the world to step up and on their own initiative start illegal wars that last for decades.
You see, that doesn't sound good, right?
Don't worry.
The president still has the power to imminent threat our way into invading any place we want.
And we still got to drone strike Muslims in other countries who make too many YouTube videos.
What about everything else going on, Mr. President?
Are you going to fight?
Are you really going to fight for stricter gun controls finally?
Are you going to fight?
Well.
And the stuff John Kerry.
What about the stuff John Kerry said about Edward Snowden?
What about net neutrality, Mr. David?
Jimmy?
I assure you that you'll find nobody more neutral about net neutrality than me.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Sick of me or Switzerland in 1942.
Brock, can you see why you're so frustrating to people like me?
Oh, you know, you can't stay mad at me.
Come on, Jimmy.
Jimmy, who's your president?
Who's your president?
Who's your president?
You're my president, Mr. President.
That's right.
You got to president.
You got to understand that I'm playing the long game.
Yeah, well, you sure played the long game in Afghanistan.
That's for sure.
Speaking along, this call is going a little long.
I should go.
I need to save my cell phone minutes.
The president of the United States needs to save his cell phone minutes.
Are you serious?
I got a phone plan, but screws me with international calls.
Oh, okay.
International.
I got it.
Prime Minister of Uganda is always calling.
I wanted to talk about the latest episode of Game of Thrones.
Okay, Mr. President, I'm going to let you go.
All right.
Morocco, bye-bye.
Peace out.
Okay, peace out.
That's President Obama.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Big thanks to Sean James, who donates his time and his talent to help make sure our Macintosh runs.
He can make sure yours runs well, too.
You go to SeanJames.com.
That's S-H-A-U-N James.com.
So Edward Snowden, by the way, patriot, case you weren't.
That's the big debate right now.
Patriot or traitor?
I don't know.
I'm going to go patriot.
When you expose criminality inside your own government and you do it at the personal cost to yourself, I'm going to say that's a patriot.
He didn't make any money off it, didn't get anything out of it, had to leave his life in Hawaii.
Now he lives in Russia.
Guys, pretty much, I think he did it for the right reasons.
I think he did it for the right reasons.
So yes.
Hey, Jimmy, if only Edward Snowden was wearing one of those little American flag pins.
Then people realize that he's a patriot.
Why didn't he put on one of those lapel flag pins?
That's how you'd know he loved America.
Because those flagpens have surveillance equipment inside.
So they've been trying to discredit him all along, obviously.
And what they've done is they tried to say, oh, he was just a low-level hacker.
President Obama referred to him as a hacker.
And so he, that's kind of rubbed him the wrong way, Edward Snowden.
And he wanted to, well, he said this about it.
So when they say I'm a low-level systems administrator, that I don't know what I'm talking about, I'd say it's somewhat misleading.
Yeah, so he says it's misleading.
But then I think he kind of starts to overcompensate a little.
You know what I mean?
It's like, well, here, he starts to like, here we go.
This is what he says.
I was trained as a spy in sort of the traditional sense of the word, in that I lived and worked undercover overseas, pretending to work in a job that I'm not, and even being assigned a name that was not mine.
Okay, so I got it.
All right, we got you.
You were a spy.
You worked overseas.
You were the real, your regular James Bond.
We get it.
We get it.
Okay, so now let's move on.
I've worked for the Central Intelligence Agency undercover overseas.
Okay, Ed, really?
Seriously, it's starting to meet thinks I'll protest too much.
All right, we got it, buddy.
I've worked for the National Security Agency undercover overseas.
Okay, Eddie, listen.
We think we got your bona fides, baby.
You're the real deal.
Now just give it away.
I worked for the Defense Intelligence Agency as a lecturer at the Joint Counterintelligence Training Academy.
Okay, well, good for you, Eddie.
I'm sure we're going to get to put a little bow in your button or bonnet, whatever they say.
And so let's just move on.
Can we move on, Eddie?
I am a technical specialist.
I am a technical expert.
Okay.
All right.
We got it.
He went a little over the top there, didn't he?
I got it.
No, that was important for him to do because they keep trying.
And what they do with everybody whoever blows the whistle on anybody is they immediately start discrediting them.
Immediately start discrediting them.
And then what happens is the news media immediately start repeating those talking points that discredit the whistleblower, right?
And so now here's how Brian Williams started off the interview.
So he had, by the way, a four-hour interview.
Four-hour interview.
Have you ever heard anyone do a four-hour interview about anything?
Chris Christie did a 45-minute press conference.
Everybody couldn't get over how he could stand up that long.
Right?
So everybody was like, oh, my God.
He has that four-hour dinner.
He has had it.
Yes, yes.
He's a large man.
He is a large man.
So here's how Brian Williams starts off.
He introduces the interview with Edward Snowden.
Here's what he has.
Let's begin with a reminder of what this 30-year-old has done and why.
First of all, that bothers me.
I don't understand why they always mention his age.
I think the implication is that what he did is a result of immaturity.
Yes, that's that is so.
And then Brian Williams repeats that.
But Frank, people have said about the maturity thing that Snowden was able to do this because he didn't have a family.
He didn't have kids.
He doesn't have a mortgage.
So really, he's exactly like a television writer.
My point is, why aren't television writers doing something good for their country?
Yeah, I agree with you.
So here's, let's hear how Brian Williams introduces the piece again.
Begin with a reminder of what this 30-year-old has done and why he's living in exile overseas.
So again, why you got to mention his, so that is why they mentioned the name because it kind of, again, it can diminishes him.
He's not a grown-up.
What this 30-year-old, I mean, 30, I think Steven Spielberg was 25 when he did JAWS.
I think Orson Welles was the same age when he did.
I mean, what does that have to do with how Jesus Christ was 32, for Christ's sake?
I mean, how old do you need to be?
And he changed the world.
How old do you need to be to expose criminals inside your government?
I say 18.
I say that's old enough.
Anyway, so here, Brian.
I just want to remind you what this 32-year-old processor does.
So here we go, Brian.
Bring us home.
I am.
Let's begin with a reminder of what this 30-year-old has done and why he's living in exile overseas, wanted for espionage in this country.
The classified documents he stole, downloaded from the NSA and handed over to journalists, blew the lid off data mining programs that had been launched in the wake of and in the name of 9-11.
Now, you notice how Brian Williams is, he's framing everything.
And what he said there was that he stole documents.
So he applies the correct criminality charge to Edward Snowden, but very interestingly, he leaves, or suspiciously, he leaves any Criminal wording off of what the government did.
So he says that he illegally stole, he stole this stuff, and it blew the lid off of data mining.
He didn't say it blew the lid off illegal, unconstitutional, systematic law breaking inside of our government.
He doesn't say that.
He says, well, I'll tell you, here's what he says.
The classified documents he stole, downloaded from the NSA and handed over to journalists, blew the lid off data mining programs that had been launched in the wake of and in the name of 9-11.
So there you go.
They're just data mining programs.
They're not illegal.
They're not unconstitutional.
They don't undermine our freedom and liberty.
They're not an invasion of our privacy.
They don't break the Fourth Amendment.
Nothing.
He doesn't say anything.
He just says they're data mining.
He blew the roof off, the lid off, the data mine.
It sounds nice almost, data mining.
He doesn't want to say anything that'll make it awkward when he runs into any of these people at the White House correspondents did it.
Yeah, when him and James Clapper are playing the are doing the hokey pokey at a wedding out at Martha's Vineyard.
He doesn't want it to be uncomfortable with the guy who lied to Congress.
So here he goes on to frame this even more.
They have names like Prism and Boundless Informant and X Key Score, some of them designed to vacuum up phone and internet data from companies like Verizon and Google and Apple and Yahoo.
And some of them, if directed, could zero in on any one of us.
And again, the words that he is leaving out is illegal, criminal, unconstitutional, undermining.
He's leaving all these words out, not saying any of those words when he...
They say you're correct.
They say enhance the date.
Whatever the government tells them to say, we'll say.
Hey, by the way, if someone else did waterboarding, we'd call it torture.
But it says we're doing it.
We call it whatever the government says we'll call it.
Okay, so here's a little bit more framing from Brian.
I almost called him Brian Regan.
Here we go.
It's Brian Williams.
Well, he is comedic.
He is funny like Brian Regan.
Here we are.
Snowden came to this interview clearly armed with talking points, ready to tell his story.
Frankie, did you catch that?
Snowden came to this interview clearly armed with talking points, ready to tell his story.
You mean clearly armed with stuff that everybody you've ever interviewed in your life has brought to an interview, meaning ideas of what they're going to talk about.
Every day you interview a politician, have you ever once said that about Mitch McConnell or anyone else?
You've had Cruz or Joe Scarborough or anybody you've ever interviewed on your show.
Have you ever introduced them like, well, well, obviously, Rahm Emanuel came loaded with his talking points.
Right, right.
Yeah, it's everyone he's ever interviewed.
Like every, how about that?
How about you?
You can say that, but you have to put in front of that, Brian, like every person else I've ever interviewed on this program, Edward Snowden was ready for me.
How about that?
He had some talking points.
This just drives me crazy.
Again, the framing of somehow what he did was illegal, but what the government was doing was just massive.
And that and that he somehow he's also nefarious.
He's ready.
This guy's savvy, man.
Like, this guy isn't an innocent kid.
He knows exactly what he's doing.
He's ready for it.
This is exactly what Brian Williams is doing here.
Okay, so.
Jimmy, I didn't realize that revelations that the government has an unconstitutional surveillance program.
I didn't realize that's just a talking point.
That is, that is just a talking point.
So they asked Edward Snowden if he thinks he's a traitor or a patriot.
And he said, yes, he thought he was a patriot because, according to him, what a patriot does, hold on.
So here's what Edward Snowden, I don't have the clip, but I'll read it to you what he said.
He said, I think a patriot is a word that's thrown around so much that it can be devalued nowadays.
Being a patriot doesn't mean prioritizing service to government above all else.
Being a patriot means knowing when to protect your country, knowing when to protect your Constitution, knowing when to protect your countrymen from the violations of and encroachments of adversaries, and those adversaries don't have to be foreign countries.
So he...
That sounds like a reasonable talking point to me.
Sounds like he was...
That's exactly what a patriot is.
A patriot swears allegiance to the Constitution and to protect the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and domestic.
So domestic, meaning people who are trampling on the Constitution while employed by the government.
That doesn't mean that they are the government.
That means that they're employed by the government, right?
So I agree.
I could not agree more.
A patriot does not prioritize service to the government above all else.
Being a patriot means knowing when to protect your country, when to protect your Constitution, and when to protect your countrymen.
That is such a great, great definition of what a patriot is.
I like this guy.
I like Edward Snowden.
I like everything he did.
I like that he risked.
So here's, so he gave himself that description.
John Kerry went on CBS this morning.
Charlie Rose is on that show, by the way, because apparently he's trying to win the biggest bags under my eyes contest that I've ever seen.
And Charlie, take a break.
Take a nap.
You don't have to work all the time.
And so here's what, so they had on John Kerry on the CBS, and here's what John Kerry had to say about Edward Snowden calling himself a patriot.
The bottom line is this is a man who has betrayed his country, who is sitting in Russia, an authoritarian country, where he is taken refuge.
You know, he should man up and come back to the United States if he hasn't complained about what's the matter with American surveillance.
Come back here and stand in our system of justice and make his case.
So why do you think Edward Snowden would not come back to America and make his case in our side?
I don't know.
You mean he wants to, I don't know, maybe because you tortured Bradley Manning for a year before you ever took him to trial.
Maybe you torture Jose Padilla.
You torture Bradley Manning, who's now Chelsea Manning.
You torture.
This is how you treat people who you consider terrorists.
So you were going to torture him.
And maybe that's why, because he exposed you guys for being criminals.
And now what you want him to do is then throw himself on the mercy of the criminals he's exposing inside of the criminal organization that he's exposing for being a criminal organization.
Guys who have already admitted to using torture on their own prisoners And you want him to man up.
Well, I say to you, John Kerry, how about you man up?
And why don't you prosecute four or five war criminals that I know of right now living in the United States who have been giving commencement speeches all over the goddamn country?
You know, like Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney and George Bush.
You know, the people who go on Sunday afternoon talk shows in America and brag about ordering war crimes.
Why don't you man up and prosecute one of those war criminals who are self-admitted, who live right here freely inside the United States?
Why don't you man up and do that?
But no, you want this guy who did a service to our democracy.
You want him to man up and come back here to get tortured and be prosecuted unfairly because he wouldn't be able, he wouldn't be able to give a defense because they would say everything he wanted to use as his defense is classified.
So he wouldn't be able to have a defense, which is another reason why he's not coming back here, which is another reason why John Kerry is full of it.
And I can't believe I burned my t-shirt, by the way.
I used to love wearing my John Kerry 2004 t-shirt.
And I don't even work to bed anymore.
I burned it.
It's all over.
If you want to talk about manning up, the journalist Mark Christian Miller, I think I'm getting his name, right?
Wrote about how the Bush people basically stole Ohio in 2004.
And that's why John Kerry didn't win.
John Kerry saw him at a party and totally agreed with what he was saying.
And then later on television, he denied it and said, no, the election wasn't stolen.
So that's the kind of manning up that John Kerry is known for doing.
And also, he talks about.
You can't go against your skull and crossbones, brother.
Yeah.
He's also talking about one thing that really got me in that was he mentioned, oh, he's living in Russia, an authoritarian regime.
Okay, yes, it is authoritarian.
But you, John Kerry, as Secretary of State, negotiate and do business with them all the time.
So it's just very disingenuous for him to mention that they're authoritarian, whereas they are actually a country that America recognizes and that America does business with.
And during that interview, Snowden was criticizing the Russian government while in Russia.
That in itself is braver than anything that Jeffrey Toobin has ever done.
All of Edward Snowden's critics.
And also, Jimmy, I mean, you got it so wrong.
I mean, revealing that the government is violating the Fourth Amendment is much, much worse than sending hundreds of thousands to their death in a war based on a lie.
You've got your priorities all wrong.
There was another mass shooting.
They happen twice a month now.
Everybody's getting used to it, I guess.
I call Bill O'Reilly, and let's call him up.
Let's see what he has to say about it.
Hey, Bill, you there?
Hold on.
Bill, are you there?
Scotch.
Is this you, Bill?
Bill O'Reilly.
Yeah, it's Jimmy Door, buddy.
How you doing?
Jimmy Dore.
Jimmy Dore, my arch nemesis, and the only person under 60 who cares what I have to say.
Bill, how are you doing, buddy?
I am Bill O'Reilly.
The name itself means totally content and fulfilled.
Or maybe it doesn't.
Who knows?
Listen, Bill, I want to talk.
There was a shooting over the weekend, and I just want to get your take on it.
Sure, you do.
I mean, it sounds like something that's right in your wheelhouse.
Am I right?
In my wheelhouse, we serve single malt.
Fucko.
Okay, yeah, listen.
So this shooting in Isle of Vista.
There's a shooting.
What's your take on it?
What do you think?
What do I think?
Yeah.
What do you think?
I think an otherwise great guy, you know, made a few mistakes.
What?
A great guy.
Can you repeat that for me, Bill?
You heard me just fine, Door.
I can't believe that you just said that.
This guy was a great.
Well, come on, Bill.
I can't believe climate science, but here we are.
Okay.
Bill, this guy, Elliot Rogers, he murdered six people, wounded 13.
Like I said, he made some mistakes.
Just to clarify, murder is wrong.
But other than that, sounds like a great little fella.
Bill, he was a violent misogynist.
We know this.
Sounds like he did his homework.
What do you think?
Not a lot of people do, you know.
But did you know that women are the devil?
It's a fact.
It's a fact.
Bill, come on, buddy.
Source of original sin.
Woke it up.
Bill, Rogers hated women because they wouldn't have sex with him.
Sure, women are like that.
You tell them you should have sex with me, and they're like, no.
Even when you harass them on the phone, they get all bitchy about it.
I feel for the guy.
I do.
You know, I was almost a 22-year-old virgin, too, and I want to shoot everybody.
And then my dad gave me a prostitute for my birthday, and then everything was fine.
It was fine.
Bill, are you drunk?
Are you sober?
Bill, what about the guns?
Oh, here it comes.
The binaded liberals with their guns kill people, so Bill shouldn't get to have guns.
Yeah, yeah, go something like that.
Certainly, yeah.
It's in the Constitution, Homo.
Just suck it up and go buy a gun.
Retail.
Bill, Bill, this was a guy whose violent mental illness was easily discoverable, and yet he legally purchased three guns and hundreds of rounds of ammunition.
Don't you think that that might be a little bit of a problem, Bill?
Jimmy Dore, if Barack Hussein Obama starts making mental health a condition for firearms ownership, where does it end?
I mean, would I, Bill O'Reilly, a man with an obvious personality disorder, be able to purchase a gun?
Probably not, I'm hoping.
Right.
Yeah.
And then how would I murder my ex-wives should the fancy strike me?
You can't do it.
You can't do it.
Bill, are you saying you're planning on killing your ex-wives?
No.
No?
No.
I think it is in America.
I deserve that option, don't you?
No, I don't think you do, Bill.
And I'm not going to use an eye for a heavy object or whatever you liberals want me to use to kill my wives, okay?
Because I get winded just yelling at brown people.
No, I'm going to use a gun like a patriot.
And then I'm going to suicide by caught because my tax dollars pay for those fucking union fucks.
So they should have to kill me in a hail of gunfire.
You know, Bill, I think I'm going to hang up and call the police.
I really do.
Oh, you do that, Dorr.
Go tell me like the little bitch you are.
I will.
Fine.
Okay, I'm going to.
I'm going to tell on you.
Well, call me tomorrow, man.
We can go do something.
Okay, Bill.
See ya.
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Now let's get back to the second half.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
We got a lot coming up in the second half.
Phone calls from Rip Torn in his Hollywood drunk tank, Ron Paul, calls in.
Plus, we're going to talk about Ted Cruz and his ultimate top crazy remarks about the new amendment to get money out of politics.
But right now, let's get back to the studio.
I'm joined on the phone by Mark Van Landuitt and Frank Connett from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
They're both on the phone from New York City.
Let's get back to the studio where we pick up our conversation about Edward Snowden's interview with Brian Williams and John Kerry calling him a traitor and a coward.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
And this is, by the way, this is all about money.
The reason why they want to keep data mining hasn't never has not stopped one goddamn terrorist, has done nothing, have done nothing good.
But we've spent billions of dollars spying on our own citizens, billions collecting metadata.
And you know who gets that money?
Booz Allen.
That's right.
Booz Allen get I think they got six billion dollar no bid contract to keep doing the metadata.
And I don't know.
Did James Clapper did he used to work at Booz Allen and now he's the head of the NSA spying.
And the guy who's at Booz Allen now used to be the head of the NSA spying.
So it's kind of a nice crony capitalism.
It's not even capitalism.
It's just graph.
That is that is complete fraud right there.
There is no data mining that's helping keep us safer.
All it's doing is breaking our constitution, breaking our bank, enriching the pockets of a handful of people.
Just like those goddamn things that make sure we're not we don't have a gun on us when we go through the metal detectors.
Well, not remember.
They had the puff puff machines and they got to put it in every.
Well, it turns out the guy who puff puff machine who wanted to get the puff puff machines here had an interest in the puff puff machine company.
And now, by the way, that turns out the puff puff machines don't work.
They got rid of them all.
We got all new machines.
I wonder who at the TSA is working for that company.
So this is all about money.
Booz Allen getting six billion dollars.
Whoever's making the drones, who's ever.
This is all about that.
And Edward Snowden did a four hour interview.
John Kerry, do you ever do a four hour interview?
You'd be crying by the second hour.
You wouldn't know what to what would the wipe your ass or by the third hour.
Are you kidding me?
You couldn't stand up to George Bush.
I've seen 10 minute John Kerry speeches that seemed like four hours.
John Kerry needs to go back to the Frankenstein lab.
John Kerry came from.
Right.
Everything is upside down now with John Kerry.
He first spoke in front of Congress trying to get his country out of a war.
Yes.
Last year he was speaking in front of Congress trying to get his country into a war.
Yes.
And now he's calling an American patriot a traitor.
And he's saying and I hope I hope that people will weigh what you know, the infantile in fifted language that John Kerry was using against Edward Snowden, against the thoughtful, principled words that Edward Snowden was saying.
And I hope that that stirs some some flame of patriotism in them.
And they would realize.
And I'll say, ah, John Kerry.
He was saying that Snowden swore an oath.
Our leaders swore an oath to the Constitution.
Edward Snowden exposed secret surveillance programs that were unconstitutional.
So tell me again, John Kerry, who betrayed their country?
Who betrayed the Constitution?
Who lied to Congress and lied to the American people?
And by the way, John Kerry, your boss, Barack Obama, is calling for reforming these programs thanks to the revelations of Edward Snowden.
That shows how important what Snowden did was.
And I cannot believe I voted for this nitwit.
I can't believe.
I take my vote back.
I am befriending him on Facebook and I am unfollowing him on Twitter.
I want to tell John Kerry that America, the United States, is not so much a landmass, but an idea.
And that idea is about freedom and liberty and freedom from governmental tyranny.
That we are a nation of not of men, but a nation of laws, which was radical at the time of the founding of this country.
That we are a nation of laws, that no man is above the law, that we are all equal under the law.
That's the idea of what America is.
And what he did is true to that idea of what America is.
And what John Kerry's doing is untrue to the idea of what America is.
And where was John Kerry?
Why wasn't he speaking, you know, when he was a young Vietnam veteran opposed to the war?
Why wasn't he speaking out against Daniel Ellsberg in the Pentagon Papers?
Which is exactly the same situation as this.
And let's just, let's bring it home with that, Frank.
I'm so glad you brought that up because they'll often say to him, what are you doing in Russia?
John Kerry just said it.
He went to Russia.
The reason he's in Russia was because, A, you guys were going to torture him, so he had to get Amstray out of the country, okay?
And the reason why he got stuck there was because he was trying to go to a friendly country in South America, but you revoked his passport when he left Hong Kong.
You jag off, okay?
So that's why he's in Russia.
And let me just say again, Daniel Ellsberg said that Edward Snowden leaving the country and not staying here to face trial was the right thing to do.
What Edward Snowden did is exactly what Daniel Ellsberg would do today.
And so that argument that, oh, Daniel Ellsberg didn't leave the country.
the country he manned up and said is bogus i just debunked it it's over but john kerry will keep repeating it as if he has some kind of authority because now he is part of The ruling class who wants to start wars, who wants to squelch dissent, who wants to put the thumb on someone just like him.
They would like to shut him up from 1974.
That's who he is right now.
He's the other side of the table.
He's become the monster, the Frankenstein monster that he was fighting against in his youth when he still had a soul.
But now he has no soul.
It's all been filled up with catch-up money and weakness because he's an insider.
He won't even stand up against George Bush, a guy who stole an election from him, who's a war criminal, and you won't even go after him.
But you want this other guy to man up.
I want to say so many negative, mean things about John Kerry.
I'll just leave it at that.
You're the opposite of a patriot.
You don't deserve whatever title you have.
And you're a traitor, John Kerry.
You're the guy who subverted the Constitution.
You're the guy protecting the people who subverted the Constitution.
John Kerry, traitor.
Hello, Uncle.
Can I just close up what I believe to be historical fact is that John Kerry's first choice to be his running mate in 1904 was John McCain.
That's who he really wanted on his ticket.
So I think we know.
Yeah, that says all you need to know.
What were you going to say, Mark?
Saying that John Kerry got so much Botox that it smoothed the wrinkles in his brain.
LAUGHTER MUSIC "Dialogs"So there were some Tea Party victories last week in the primaries, and I wanted to call Ron Paul, see how he felt about the see if we can get him on the line.
Hello, is he there?
Hello, Ron.
Ron.
Let's free or I'll fucking kill you.
Hey, Dr. Paul's Jimmy Dore.
How are you doing?
Oh, hi, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm doing great, buddy.
How are you doing, Mr. Congressman?
Well, you know, wonderful.
You know, I mean, our primary was on Tuesday.
Yeah, that's right.
And a lot of Tea Party candidates actually won in the primary Tuesday.
Yeah, so I'm very happy.
I mean, I've got a little chubby running for a day.
I've been pretty happy.
Okay, so, you know, so the Tea Party is predominantly a libertarian wing of the Republican Party.
That's right.
So if you were hoping to have a gay wedding/slash pot party at an unregulated coal plant, well, this just might be your year.
All right.
Well, Congressman, do you consider yourself to be in the Tea Party?
Oh, heavens, no.
I mean, yeah, they seem to kind of stupid to me.
Like a bunch of sort of gullible talking sheep.
Yeah, but you seem to agree with them in every possible way.
Sure.
Although I don't know if that's saying anything.
I mean, most of these Tea Party folks believe in Sasquatch and professional wrestling.
And you're happy to see them win.
Oh, sure.
I mean, if you want to destroy government, the best way to do it is by electing a bunch of lunatic ass clowns, right?
Yeah, I guess so.
You know, Senator Ted Cruz seems to have become the de facto leader of the Texas Tea Party, right?
Oh, I mean, well, that's true.
I mean, it only makes sense.
You're going to be a weirdo-ass clown.
You're going to want to follow the weirdest ass clown there.
He is.
Yes, I get it.
Now, he's supposedly super smart.
Maybe, but he's super weird.
Just look at him.
He looks like an alien wearing a human mask or something.
Maybe that's why he's so smart.
He's an advanced scout from Alpha Centauri or, you know, Dr. Paul, it just seems like these Tea Party wins are just pushing Texas further and further away from mainstream politics in America today.
Well, sure.
I mean, that's the whole point.
What?
How is that the whole thing?
Yes.
I mean, soon enough, Texas won't even be a state so much as a place where sovereign citizens fight Klan wars over gold.
And you want that?
Well, sure.
What do you mean?
They're in Obamacare, you know, socialized fire department.
Okay, listen, let's check.
How's your son?
How's Senator Rand Paul doing?
How's he been?
Oh, he's good.
He's a nice guy.
You know, there's a pretty good chance he's going to be president, but thankfully, I'll probably be dead by then.
Come on, Congressman.
You don't want to live to see your son become president of the United States?
Jimmy, you might as well just ask if I want to live and see an orangutan.
And the answer is no, I do not.
But he's likely to act a lot of your libertarian agenda.
Is he not?
Oh, no, no.
I don't know what he'll do, but I can tell you it's going to be a total fucking fiasco.
I could definitely see him accidentally like lighting the entire country on fire or something.
Well, listen, let me ask you about your Memorial Day.
Did you have a nice Memorial Day?
Well, sure.
I mean, of course, I have very mixed feelings about it.
After all, I am against foreign wars.
Yeah, against foreign wars.
I hear that.
And of course, I'm pro-slavery, so I feel like we lost the Civil War.
What?
So to me, the only ones we should have memorialized are the soldiers who fought for our independence.
Well, okay, I guess that makes sense.
So what did you celebrate?
You know, put out the flag, have some barbecue, and then hunt and kill an Englishman.
Pretty low-key thing around here.
Did you say that you hunt and kill a man?
You know, Jimmy, I'd love to keep talking, but I just don't want to.
Okay.
Well, Congressman, it's great to talk to you, buddy.
I really appreciate it.
Yeah, great, Jimmy.
Well, fuck England.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, in fact, welcome.
We haven't done an Oh My God segment in a long time.
This isn't going to be a religious figure.
This is Ted Cruz.
So what's happening is in the Senate, in the U.S. Senate, money has corrupted politics so bad that we can't even get a background check on guns passed when 90% of the American public want it to happen.
It doesn't happen.
And why is that?
That's because gun manufacturers have a lot of money and they give it to people To run against other people who want to pass laws that would maybe curtail some of the sales of some of the guns, right?
So they get a politician who's responsive to their needs because they give him money.
More importantly, not only do they give that politician money, but they're willing to spend money on his opposition if that politician doesn't go along with them.
So they don't want the NRA to give money to other people to run against them.
It's all about money, money, money, and fear, right?
So Chuck Schumer and Tom Udall have introduced a resolution or an amendment, an amendment, right?
So the way you get money out of politics is you have to have an amendment, right?
Because the Supreme Court has said that free money equals speech, and you have to amend the Constitution now to get money out of politics.
So they've to combat the Citizens United ruling and the McCutcheon ruling.
Am I saying that correctly?
McCutcheon?
Yes.
So those two rulings, basically, there's no more campaign finance laws.
Basically, there's like maybe two left, and Danes D'Souza figured out how to break one of them.
So, anyway, so we'll do, I should do it.
We'll do a thing on him.
It's so funny.
He got caught breaking campaign finance laws.
He had to plead guilty.
Anyway, so they have introduced this bill.
It's not a bill, it's an amendment.
It's not going to pass.
It needs to get two-thirds vote in the Senate and in the House.
Not going to happen.
They can't even pass a gun bill when it's got 90% of the public backing it.
So they're not going to do this.
But they just kind of, I guess, made a symbolic gesture.
And Harry Reid has even talked about it: that we're going to need an amendment to get money out of politics.
Now, everybody can, I think everybody, when I say everybody, I mean most people in America would agree.
That's good.
They get money out of politics.
So now we can have a real debate that isn't sullied, isn't tarnished by money interest, right?
So people were going to have real ideas and a real discussion.
So Ted Cruz was giving a speech somewhere.
Oh, he was getting ready to introduce his even crazier than him, his father, Ted Cruz, which his father's, I think his father's name is Crazy Cruz, and CC, Cecil Ryder.
And so here's Ted Cruz talking about the Chuck Schumer bill.
And here we go.
And I'll tell you, when you think it can't get any worse, it does.
This year, I'm sorry to tell you.
The United States Senate is going to be voting on a constitutional amendment to repeal the First Amendment.
And did you hear the crowd?
Oh, no, sadness.
It's so sad.
What is that?
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
Did you hear Potter's paying 50 cents on a dollar?
I can't believe that.
Potter's paying 50 cents on the dollar.
So he goes on.
Let's listen to more of this.
I am telling you, I am not making this up.
Senator Chuck Schumer has announced the Senate Democrats are scheduling a vote on a constitutional amendment to give Congress the plenary power, the unlimited authority to regulate political speech.
Because elected officials have could you hear the people moaning?
Yeah, oh my God.
I'm like, is Andy Kindler getting ready to do a set?
Because the crowd's already pre-moaned and the silverware is miced.
Mike checks on the cutlery.
It's like, really, like, the cutlery is mic.
That's how here we go.
We'll keep going.
Decided they don't like it when the citizenry has the temerity to criticize what they've done.
They don't like it when pastors in their community stand up and speak the truth.
Yeah, that's what it is, said they want to squelch pastors.
That's why they introduced it.
It's not about getting Koch Brothers money or Sheldon Adelson money out of or oil money out of government.
No, no, no, no.
It's about shutting down pastors who are going to say something that they don't like to hear.
But the guy's good.
You have to give it to him, right?
I mean, the guy, he knows how to scare the crap out of the people who he's talking to, which is exactly what he wants to do.
Get them afraid of everything.
Tell them something outrageous.
And he's got inside information, by the way.
What?
Who?
Huh?
He's got it all going on.
He's a master.
Pastors will be very upset that they can no longer funnel money through their super PAC.
He's got a little bit more to say.
And it makes their lives inconvenient when they're not standing for principal.
And actually, that's pointed out back home.
And I'll note this amendment, which has 41 Democratic senators as co-sponsors.
41 Democrats.
You hear the crowd?
Goddamn Democrat.
They're the most easily riled up bunch of people.
They're acting like an audience in an old Victorian melodrama.
Yes.
Oh, oh, I never.
Have signed on to repealing the First Amendment.
It explicitly says nothing in this new amendment shall abridge the freedom of the press.
So the New York Times.
Wow.
But it doesn't say the same thing about the freedom of speech.
It doesn't say the same thing about religious liberty.
What it says is that politicians in Washington have unlimited constitutional authority to muzzle each and every one of you.
If you're saying things that government finds inconvenience.
And I'll tell you.
Yep.
That's exactly.
That's exactly what's happening.
I haven't heard a crowd so upset since Dane Cook did a set at Largo.
The audience sounds like they're at WWF and Andy Kaufman is wrestling a woman.
I was pretty.
Ted Cruz, he says the amendment doesn't abridge the freedom of the press.
And he says it as if that's a bad thing.
And the audience gets angry.
Yes.
Yes.
Am I hearing that wrong?
No, well put.
But it doesn't abridge the freedom of the press.
And they do get angry.
That is correct.
I didn't even notice that.
That is so funny.
Jimmy, could you play the last part again?
Yes.
Hold on one second.
And I'll tell you, when you think it can't get any worse, it does.
This year, I'm sorry to tell you.
The United States Senate is going to be voting on a constitutional amendment to repeal the First Amendment.
I am telling you, I am not making this up.
Senator Chuck Schumer has announced.
You're kind of making it up.
He's kind of made.
You're not totally.
You're kind of twisting it.
I mean, you do have to tip your hat to this guy.
He knows exactly how to say whatever he's going to say in the most incendiary possible way.
Here we go.
The Senate Democrats are scheduling a vote on a constitutional amendment to give Congress the plenary power, the unlimited authority to regulate political speech.
Plenary.
Because elected officials have decided they don't like it when the citizenry has the temerity to criticize what they've done.
They don't like it when pastors in their community stand up and speak the truth.
And it makes their lives inconvenient when they're not standing for principal.
And actually, that's pointed out back home.
And I'll note this amendment, which has 41 Democratic senators as co-sponsors.
41 Democrats have signed on to repeal.
Yes.
If Chuck Schumer is proposing it, then you've got nothing to worry about.
Yeah, I agree.
Repealing the First Amendment.
Oh!
It explicitly says nothing in this new amendment shall abridge the freedom of the press.
So the New York Times is protected.
But it doesn't say the same thing about the freedom of speech.
It doesn't say the same thing about religious liberty.
What it says is that politicians in Washington have unlimited constitutional authority to muzzle each and every one of you if you're saying things that government finds inconvenience.
There you go.
So there was an amendment for that.
I'm sorry, say it again, Frank.
You know what?
When that guy in the audience showed up, whoa!
He sounded like Billy Bass and Goodfellas when Kevin Pesci said, hey, watch the suit.
He did.
Oh, he did.
Mark, did you have something to say?
Yeah, he said that the amendment doesn't say anything about religious liberties.
Now, if I was a religious person, wouldn't that be a good thing?
That's a good thing, right?
Yeah, but he's trying to, he's couching, he's tricking them.
It's not to say it's like, look, they're not protecting your religious liberty.
They're going to be, they're going to trample on it.
But he says that the amendment doesn't say anything about religious liberties.
Right.
He's just saying things that are not in the amendment.
So it's like saying, you know, this amendment doesn't say anything about dogs pooping on sidewalks.
Right.
Isn't that horrible?
Yes.
This amendment says nothing about circus bears riding bicycles.
When will the insanity end?
And he said about the freedom of speech of the press, about the New York Times.
So if there was an amendment to abridge the speech of David Brooks, I would support that.
Me too.
Me too.
And he said inconvenient.
He kept on saying things that the government finds inconvenient.
I don't think the government has ever found money inconvenient.
Right.
Money is many things, but inconvenient is not one of them.
So that's how.
What about that?
What about that crowd?
Wow, that crowd was hot.
I've performed for that crowd several times.
Yeah, me too.
Me too.
I had them, that was at a private one time.
It was no fun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Live from the city of angels, it's Rip Torn's Hollywood Drunk Act.
Greetings, sweeties.
Daddy's drunk and ready to dish.
Now, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the recent tragedy that occurred in Santa Barbara.
If there is a silver lining in this madness, it is the cultural conversation that it has started.
As a grown man of this society, I knew that I had to do some uncomfortable soul searching and ultimately realized, yes, I had to take the side of Seth Rogan.
Not pleasant, but there it is.
Ha ha.
Ha ha.
Okay, that's all the Rip Torn.
That's our teaser.
Because that's in the premium content this week, the Rip Torn Return Hollywood drunk tank.
It only gets better.
There you go.
Hey, how do I get the premium content?
Well, thanks for asking, Jimmy.
All you do is go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on premium, make your $5 donation, or you can save yourself $5 if you want to get a yearly, if you want to be a yearly donator.
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And to get you access to all the premium content, and we drop extra stuff every Sunday or Monday.
And it's always funny, and it's always fun.
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Last week, I think we did about 45 minutes.
So anyway, it's almost like you're getting two-for-one shows, and you're helping support the show, which is the important thing.
And thanks to everybody who does that.
All the voices on today's show are performed by the one and the only Mike McCrae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
And today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Robert Yasimura, Frank Coniff, Mark Van Landuitt, and Steph Zamarano.
And then the voice of the announcer at the top of the show was the one and the only Ron Lynch.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Don't forget, your country is just not that into you will be coming out July 7th.
It's now available for pre-sale.
So swing over to JimmyDoorComedy.com and click on our link and pick up your pre-sale order of the it.
Your country is just not that into you.
Yay, it's done.
It's coming.
All right.
That's it for this week.
Until next week, I'll see everybody in San Francisco.
What was that?
July 12th.
That's right.
The Young Turks will be up there July 12th.
And then we'll be at the Balleys in Las Vegas the week after that, July 15th through the 20th.
Okay, that's coming up this summer.
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