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Dec. 28, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20131228_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_12-27-13
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
In last Sunday's L.A. Times business section, a first-time landlord wanted to know if it were possible to rent a six-unit apartment building exclusively to Christians.
The letter writer explained that this was not out of prejudice against non-Christians, but merely a strong desire to create a, quote, community of believers living together in fellowship.
Community of believers living together in fellowship.
That's never happened in the entire history of apartments.
This Christian further wondered if it would be all right to ask prospective tenants about their religious beliefs.
Of course, not that many years ago, applicants for housing used to be screened out all the time based on their religion or their race.
The practice was used to keep Jews and other minorities out of neighborhoods reserved strictly for bigots.
In this case, the would-be landlord's feeling seemed to be that it's okay to discriminate against people if it's for a good cause.
Setting aside the fact that it's illegal, this property owner should remember that religious Christians are just as likely as anybody else to be obnoxious tenants.
What if they don't pay their rent?
Is the landlord going to forgive them?
What if they blast Demon Hunter at all hours of the night?
And what if they trash the apartment and suddenly take off for high ground because the rapture's coming?
Does anybody really want a religious zealot for a landlord?
If your toilet backs up, it's a bad time to be an atheist.
Why does it seem that the more strongly people believe in God, the more social reinforcement they need?
You'd think being guaranteed special treatment now and forever would make them happy, but the rest of the world always pisses them off by not believing in it.
Or maybe it's just that other religions apartments smell funny.
Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for up-minded, lowly-livered lapdies.
The kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk on your T-Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hello, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
This is, of course, going to be a special show.
I went back and looked up some of the some bits or some stories we did that I think best exemplify or kind of were important and fun and funny.
And so there's some phone calls and even one from Dick Cheney, you know, Dick Cheney, not a normal caller to the Jimmy Door show, but we're going to, but he did call in once this last year and we got it on this show.
And a couple other things.
And next week, we're also going to have a best of.
And I'll be picking some of my favorite things to put in there.
There's a special twist about this show.
There's a special thing about all the favorite things I'm putting in the show.
Of course, you know, Vince Vaughan is my new favorite thing.
No Vince Vaughan this week, but next week for sure.
Okay, so let's get to the show.
And here's something we're going to have an oh my God, some phone calls and a lot of other stuff.
And I hope you're enjoying your holidays while I work on the rewrites for the book.
Okay, here we go.
Let's get right to it.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
In this week's Oh My God segment is David Barton, right?
Now, David Barton, if you don't know who he is, he's a big-time Christian.
He's a frequent guest on the Glenn Beck show.
And he was Time Magazine.
He made Time Magazine's list of America's 25 most influential evangelical Christians.
Wow.
Wow, right?
He also wrote a book.
He wrote a book called The Jefferson Lies.
Oh, yeah, that guy.
Yeah, so he wrote The Jefferson Lies, and the History News Network voted that book the least credible history book in print.
You know, he not only wrote the Jefferson Lies, he also wrote The Wheezy Deception.
Boy, you got to be a 70s sitcom aficionado to get that joke.
I get it.
I thought the Bible was the least credible history book.
It might be.
That's funny.
Zing!
Zing.
Take that.
Take it, Christians.
Okay.
Now the and the book publisher, Thomas Nelson Book Publishers, they're the largest publisher of Christian books.
They dropped him.
They dropped his book.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, they dropped him.
But let me just say, how bad is your book that a Christian book publisher drops you?
I mean, the bar is pretty low for Christian books, is all I'm saying.
All right, so here's what he has to say.
Him and Glenn Beck sat down.
By the way, Glenn Beck wrote the foreword to that book that was considered the least accurate, the least credible history book in print.
It was a very backward foreword.
It's not even that credible.
It's never to write.
I'm sorry, Frank.
Say it again.
I missed it.
They said it's not that credible that Glenn Beck could even write.
Yeah, I'm with you.
I'm with you.
I think he has not only has a ghost writer, he has a ghost reader.
He's a ghost reader.
He has to go someone to move his lips for him when he reads, too.
So here's what...
Not smart.
Not smart.
His ghost is spelled without an H. Yes.
Ghost.
He's a bad speller.
He's a bad speller, is the point there.
I'm also a bad speller.
So here they are having a chat about what to do about guns, right?
Did you see the Lincoln movie?
I did not.
He wrote a review on it, but the profanity.
No, he didn't see it, but he did write a review on the Lincoln movie.
What?
Okay.
What?
Didn't see the movie, but decided to write a review of it.
By the way, this isn't about guns like I thought.
That's coming up later.
He knows the ending.
This is about the Lincoln movie.
Here we go.
Let's hear it again.
Did you see the Lincoln movie?
I did not.
He did a review on it, but the profanity drove me off.
It's a remarkable movie, and I wonder.
The profanity in Lincoln.
What?
What?
He says S-H-I-T once.
The profanity in Lincoln drove him off.
Wow.
Yeah, okay.
I'd love to talk about it.
Because I think it's like that scene where Lincoln says, I need a night at the theater like I need a hole in there.
You know, it's very kind of.
What does this guy do?
Just review Pete's Dragon over and over again?
I think the profanity he was talking about was emancipation.
Yeah, I think you're right.
So here we go.
But the profanity drove me off.
It's a remarkable movie, and I wonder, I'd love to talk to somebody like you to see how much of it is real.
Because he was very in this movie, at least.
Yeah, I'd like to talk to somebody like you, you know, somebody who has the least credible history book in print to see how much of this movie was real.
Very conniving.
He worked the system.
I mean, he was very Barack Obama.
He worked the system.
So he compares, so he has Jefferson.
I don't know if you just realized what Glenn Beck just did.
He just made an equivalency between Thomas Jefferson and Barack Obama.
I'm sorry, what did I say?
Link, I'm at Lincoln.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Thanks for correcting me.
But in their devilishness, in their conniving.
Yes.
Yeah, they're conniving.
Every way he possibly could.
And that's a problem that was also in the movie because when you look back to the passage of the 13th Amendment, it wasn't the wheeling-dealing kind of backroom deals and smoke-filled.
It didn't happen that way.
You had an over great proof that it didn't happen is the vote that happened on passage.
It wasn't like a close vote that I've got to get some extra votes and I got a wheel and deal.
It was slam dunk big time.
I mean, it was an 80% vote going through Congress.
Okay, what actually went through Congress, you idiot, was to change the Constitution.
You need a two-thirds vote, you idiot, which is what they got in Congress, you moron.
They needed 116 votes in Congress.
They got 119, you stupid ass.
Hold on, wait a minute, Jimmy.
Are you saying three votes over what they needed?
Yes.
Slam dunk.
Yeah, this guy's using those.
I think he's using the same pollers that predicted Mitt Romney's landslide.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's using those same guys.
He has a little bit more to say.
So it's not like I was having to do backroom deals to get support.
I mean, it just, it's, it went.
Cow, David.
I wish now I had unseen that movie.
I wish I could unsee it.
Wow.
I wish I could unsee this clip.
How about that?
I wish I could unlisten to you, you idiot.
Oh, wait, I thought the movie's wrong.
David Barton is right, Glenn.
Right.
Glenn Beck wants to unsee it because David Barton, who hasn't seen it, has pointed out that it's wrong.
That could not be more perfect.
That's right.
He wished that he didn't see it because a guy who hasn't said it's messed up.
Now I think David Barton wants to see it so that he can unsee it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Yeah.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
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Thank you.
And now, so I was watching the Hillary Clinton, Barrack Obama.
They were on, or as you say, Bronc Obama.
He was on Bronco Bama.
I say Bronc Obama.
Oh, okay.
Or Barrick Obama.
I started saying Barrick Obama and then Jon Stewart started saying it, and people thought I took it from him.
So then I started.
So then some little girls called him Bronc Obama, and so I stole it from her.
So that's how this is working.
So they sat down to do an interview with Steve Croft.
Remember when he used to be wicked good looking?
And so here's what they have.
And she had her, by the way, she had her concussion glasses on.
I don't know if you've seen those, the concussion glasses.
Hillary's wearing her concussion glasses.
Right, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, ready?
Yeah, I have some lingering.
So here's what she had to say about her concussion.
Yeah, I have some lingering effects from the concussion that are decreasing and will disappear.
But I have a lot of sympathy now when I pick up the paper and read about an athlete or one of our soldiers who's had traumatic brain injury.
I'd never had anything like that in my family.
And so.
And so before this, I couldn't ever relate to a soldier, but now that I hit my head, I totally relate to them.
Now, for the soldiers who've lost arms and legs, I still don't care about you because that's never happened to my family.
That's never had an anti-go ahead.
Jimmy, a lot of Republicans criticized her.
They said that they criticized her for not going to the Benghazi hearing because of her concussion, right?
Correct.
And then actually, around the same time, Chris Christie didn't show up at a hearing because of an ice cream headache.
Okay.
He likes ice cream, that guy.
He's a large man.
So I've heard.
So there she is talking.
So she is talking about her concussion.
And yeah, it was certainly worth throwing myself down that flight of stairs to become slightly more likable.
And she also has the greatest appreciation for journalists now that she hit her head because most of them are brain dead, too.
Yeah, you know, I don't want to say that you, that Stephen Croft didn't do a hard-hitting interview, but you get a more hard-hitting interview from Sid and Marty Croft.
And the 70s references keep on coming.
So here she is.
You know, they say they ask her if she's going to be running for president, right?
So they ask her if she's going to right away.
I mean, Barack Obama just got sworn in five minutes ago.
And now they, here's the question they have for Hillary Clinton.
There's no political tea leaves to be read here.
We don't have any tea.
We've got some water here, the best I can tell.
And who said Hillary couldn't add lib, huh, Frank?
That's the kind of quip that makes Joe Biden look like Mark Twain.
Yeah, and Barack Obama could not be laughing harder at that.
You want to hear it again?
There's no political tea leaves to be read here.
We don't have any tea.
We've got some water here, the best I can tell.
So here, you can tell she really is going to run because here she like she does that like dog whistle politics.
See if you can pick it up where she tries to reach out to the Boston, New England voter.
Here we go.
So yes, are there what we call wicked problems like Syria, which is the one you named?
Absolutely.
Oh, yeah, y'all.
also went on to say that the president of Syria is retarded and bizarre.
...
All right, ready?
Here we go now.
Morning remembrance from Jim Earl.
Who is this, Jim?
Ken Lay.
Ken Lay, I love him.
Famous Ken Lay.
Ken Lay, math expert.
Ken Lay, the man who founded Enron Corporation and cheated thousands of employees out of their pensions, topped himself last night by cheating thousands of hungry prisoners out of their chance to make him their cell bitch.
Lay apparently died of a massive coronary at his vacation home after unsuccessfully trying to funnel somebody else's life savings up his pulmonary artery.
Lay's servants were reportedly so upset when they found the body, they barely had time to light a couple of Roman candles between his legs before the paramedics arrived.
George Bush's largest contributor, Lay was originally chosen to be the president's secretary of treasury in 2000, but turned it down when it was argued he could commit more crimes in the private sector.
Family members are consoling themselves with the thought that Lay is now driving the seventh level of hell into bankruptcy.
I can't Lay.
I can't.
So they were having their hearings on Capitol Hill about gun violence, right?
And they trotted out this woman named Gail Trotter.
They trotted out Gail Trotter.
Now, Gail Trotter, she's from the very conservative International Women's Forum.
Okay?
Now, that forum was started.
I don't know if you know, that International Women's Forum was started to help support Clarence Thomas's nomination to the Supreme Court.
What?
Ouch.
And they've been doing great work ever since.
Yeah, so here is really fine people.
And by the way, Gail, the women, the International Women's Forum, they're against Violence Against Women Act.
So they're against that.
It was defeated.
Republicans, I don't know if you know, they got rid of the Violence Against Women's Act, which means a lot of bad things for women will happen.
Right.
So I have a feeling that this woman's best gay friend is a log having Republican.
Yeah.
So here she is.
She's showing up on Capitol Hill to talk about what's needed, who needs guns and why.
And here's what she says.
Can you tell us why you believe a semi-automatic rifle such as AR-15 has value as a weapon of self-defense?
And does banning guns, which feature designs to improve accuracy, disproportionately burden women?
I believe it does.
Young women are.
Yes.
So assault weapon, assault weapons disproportionately burden women.
Okay, here we go.
Speaking out as to why AR-15 weapons are their weapon of choice, the guns are accurate.
They have good handling.
They're light.
They're easy for women to hold.
And most importantly, their appearance.
An assault weapon in the hands of a young woman defending her babies in her home becomes a defense weapon.
And the peace of mind that a woman has as she's facing three, four, five violent attackers, intruders in her home.
You know, like when she gets cast in that Charles Bronson movie, when she has three, four, five attackers coming into this single mom's home, and she has to defend her babies.
And you know how good single moms are with the assault weapons, right?
When the five attackers are in the house?
Sure.
Sure.
You call them five attackers.
I say five potential future husbands.
She just hasn't met the right attacker yet.
That's what happened.
With her children screaming in the background.
The peace of mind that she has knowing that she has a scary-looking gun gives her more courage when she's fighting hardened, violent criminals.
And boy, that scary-looking gun.
And then if she slips on a Nixon mask, I bet those guys will shit themselves and jump out the window.
Are you kidding me?
That's all you have to do is scare them.
You want to scare the five attackers.
And if we ban these types of assault weapons, you are putting women at a great disadvantage, more so than men, because they do not have the same type of physical strength and opportunity to defend themselves in a hand-to-hand struggle.
And they're not criminals.
They're moms.
They're young women.
And they're not used to violent confrontations.
So I absolutely urge.
So someone who's not used to violent confrontations, well, let's get an assault weapon in that person's hand.
Let's get them a high-caliber assault military style weapon.
Someone who's not used to it.
Sure.
Let's do that.
Let's leave those weapons in a household filled with curious little children.
So here's the problem with all these ideas, right?
So when they say, hey, we need to arm the teachers.
So if the gun is in the classroom, you have to keep it locked up.
And then if a guy breaks in, it's too late.
The gun's locked up.
So if you have it easily accessible, it's also easily accessible to children.
And when have children ever acted completely irresponsible?
Never.
I never.
It's an important thing.
And I like how she says, it's important that my gun looks scary.
Yeah, because otherwise the burglars might think the bullets will bounce right off their chests.
By the way, you know what looks scary?
A blunderbust.
A shotgun.
Yeah.
Yes.
What she's saying, Robert, is that the extremely remote possibility of a woman needing an assault weapon to defend her children justifies the more likely shooting of actual children.
Right.
Seems fair.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And you know, she had another example that she talked about of an actual case of a woman shooting an intruder.
But that was with a shotgun that is legal and it is not being discussed here.
Banning those, that kind of gun is not being discussed.
This assault weapon scenario is completely fictional, something that she made up.
Yes.
And she's also, by the way, let's just give you, we'll give you some, I'll give you some information.
The fact of the matter is, and this is right from Slate magazine.
This is right from Slate.
They did some research on this.
The fact of the matter is that the more guns there are, the more in danger women are.
The Harvard Injury Control Research Center, that's a big name, has found that states with more guns have more female violent deaths.
The research also found that batterers who own guns like to use them to scare and control their victims and would often use the gun to threaten their victims, threaten their pets, or threaten their loved ones.
And they would clean them menacingly during arguments and even fire their guns to scare them.
This is what happens in houses where there's women.
I mean, where there's guns and women.
The Violence Policy Center research showed that in 1998, the year they studied, 83 women were killed by an intimate partner for every one woman who used a gun in self-defense.
So you got one woman using a gun in self-defense, and you balance that with 83 women being killed by an intimate partner with a gun.
Okay.
Boy, that trotter is a real horse's ass.
And she should be reined in.
Keep going.
Keep going.
Futures without violence is an organization, futures without violence.
They compiled the statistics, and they found that guns generally make domestic violence even worse, both by increasing the likelihood of murder and also by creating situations where abuse is more violent, controlling, and traumatic.
Well, you know, Jimmy, on behalf of women, isn't it really that if more women were packing some sexy guns that they would be able to prevent this kind of violence against them.
I think so.
Take this Sunday, for instance.
Isn't it Super Bowl Sunday?
Yes.
I'd like to encourage every female listener out there to go pack a sexy gun.
And you know what?
I bet you things will turn out just a-okay.
The peace of mind that a young mother has when there's five attackers in her house and she grabs an assault weapon, you know, she probably just takes a deep breath.
Oh, I feel so much better.
I have this assault weapon.
You have to juxtapose that kind of peace of mind with the peace of mind women have when dropping their kids off at Sandy Hook Elementary School, knowing that the craziest people in the world also have easy access to assault reference with 90-round clips.
Oh, Cal Gon, take me away.
Can I say?
I'm really looking forward to all the kick-ass action movies we're going to be seeing on the Lifetime Network.
Yes, yes, where there's roving gangs of thugs that just break into single moms' homes, right?
And they have assault weapons waiting for them.
I think Felicity Huffman.
That's who I say.
Yes.
I just want to say something.
You know, this is part of the broader thing that the gun industry has been doing.
They've been looking for new markets because they're, this is true.
This is totally true.
I wish I was making this up.
But one of the reasons why assault weapons became such a big issue in the last 20 years is because they ran out of hunters, essentially, and that marketed flatline.
So they expanded.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
And so they marketed heavily these new weapons.
And what they've been doing the last 10 years has been marketing heavily to women.
And if you don't believe me, go on any firearms manufacturer sites and you will find guns specifically made for women that are pink.
And I wish I was making that up, but I'm not.
Manly, manly, yes, but I like them too.
Yes.
Hey, Jimmy.
Most of the women I know, the most dangerous thing they have in their houses is their meatloaf.
All right, guys.
Am I right?
All right.
You know what who called me?
We have Dick Cheney called in to talk about.
You remember Dick Cheney?
Sure.
His contribution to the gun debate was he shot his friend in the face.
So he called me in.
Here's what he had.
Door.
It's Cheney.
Dick Cheney.
Little Dickie Cheney.
President Dick Cheney.
Oops.
Oh, I mean, vice president.
Jimmy, just got one thing to say.
Guns.
I like them.
I like them in the field.
I like them in the schools.
I like him with a goat.
I like him in a boat.
Seriously, though, I like me.
I like some guns.
Now, your peace type seem to be making a big deal out of my accidental shooting of a friend back in 2006.
Well, let me just say to you, weirdos, first of all, not an accident.
That guy looked to be funny.
Like maybe it was a gay thing.
So I gave him a little brushback shooting.
You know what I'm talking about.
Second, that is not the only friend of mine I've shot.
He's just the only one you know about.
Because he lived.
The wilds of Wyoming are filled with holes, my friend.
Holes where Dickie Cheney sends us problems.
Most recently, a dry cleaner who didn't seem to understand what it meant by heavy starch.
Well, she understands now.
Do you hear me, Jimmy?
People who go against me all seem to me at an end.
And they meet that end both with a bang and a whisper.
Just keep living.
Part man, part machine.
I cannot be killed.
Well, call me back, Faggot, and let me know where you are so I can come out there and straight up murder your ass.
Tony say kaboom!
*laughter*
Okay, that was the inimitable Mike McRae doing Dick Cheney.
Who knew we could do Dick Cheney?
We found out this year.
Okay, what's coming up?
Hey, this is the time when I let everybody know that I say thank you.
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Okay, that's it.
We got a lot of fun stuff coming up in the second half.
And I'll let you know about the premium at the end of the show.
Okay, so let's get to that second.
Bye.
you.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in studio by Frank Conner from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Jim Earle and Steve Rosenfield, former writers for The Daily Show, plus our resident Latina, Steph Zamarano, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, and hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasimura.
And we're discovering the, we're talking about the gun hearings that were held in Congress this week.
And right now, Lindsey Graham is up and he's got something to say.
Senator Lindsey Graham.
I respect what you do as a law enforcement officer.
Has your budget been cut?
Yes.
Will you think it'll be cut in the future?
I'm optimistic that it will not.
Well, I hope you're right, but I can tell people throughout this land, because of the fiscal state affairs we have, there will be less police officers, not more, over the next decade.
Response times are going to be less, not more.
So Captain Kelly.
So what he's saying, so first of all, he just misspoke.
What he meant was response times are going to be greater, not less.
He meant that.
He meant there's going to be less cops in the future because we're budget cutting.
And so his solution, there are going to be fewer police officers in the future.
Therefore, everyone has to do their part and pack heat.
Great solution.
That's his solution.
America can't afford police, by the way, apparently anymore.
We can't afford police, enough adequate police.
We can't afford health care for elderly.
We can't afford Social Security or education for our kids.
What else can't we afford?
Well, we can't afford cops now anymore.
Turns out.
According to Lindsey Graham, here he's got more to say.
I really do want to get guns out of the hands of the wrong people.
I honest to God believe that if we just arbitrarily say nobody in this country can own a 10-round magazine in the future, the people who own them are the people we're trying to combat to begin with.
And they can be a situation where a mother runs out of bullets because of something we do here.
What is this talking point?
Young moms.
The most forced, contrived talking point I have ever heard.
And what about all the little puppies who won't have their, they're going to get their skulls crushed because they don't have an AR-15 assault wipe?
What about the kittens and the puppies?
What about the little chicks?
What about the little chickens that want to cross the road?
What about a psycho mother that wants to shoot up a school or a movie theater?
She's going to run out of bullets.
Yes, yes.
Well, usually the cops would be there, but because of the fiscal state we're in, Steve, no more cops.
We're going to have fewer cops and more crime.
It's because the Democrats want to spend all your money buying old people artificial hips.
Is that fair?
Is it?
Prevent every bad outcome.
But I do know, and I do believe in the bottom of my heart, I am not an unreasonable person for saying that in some circumstances, the 15-round magazine makes perfect sense.
And in some circumstances, the AR-15 makes perfect sense.
And those circumstances would be when someone would kill a lot of people who are unarmed at once.
When is this circumstance?
I think that's what B. He needs to cite one instance in the last 20 years in which anybody has ever needed, as a citizen, has needed a 15-round magazine.
If he can do that, I will listen.
I'm with you.
Let's see if he has anything else to say.
Our efforts to solve a problem that exists in the real world out there from Washington by having more gun laws that really do not hit the mark, so to speak, politically or situationally, that were all fake.
When he says that the gun laws don't hit the mark politically, I think what he's trying to say is my closeted ass is bought and paid for.
He's literally saying, and this isn't even a joke.
He's literally saying that the money and the contributions that I get from the NRA lobby is more important to me than the lives of innocent children.
And I'm willing to demagogue the issue and bring young moms into it, as if that's who I'm fighting for here.
instead of who he's actually fighting for is the gun manufacturers.
Yes, he is.
Yes, he is.
So you want to know what the solution to guns is?
Arm the teachers?
No.
Arm the janitors?
Nope.
How about armed guards at the schools?
Nope, not a chance.
David Barton, who we heard from earlier in the show, has his ideas.
Here's what he says we should do.
He's telling Glenn Beck, this is how you stop the violence at school.
You take us into the late 1800s.
There are school shootings.
Well, there's a type of shooting.
So he's saying in the 1800s, there were school shootings, right?
But they're not school shootings.
Well, the guns fired, but they're not fired the way we think.
Right.
The great example in the 1850s, you have a school teacher who's teaching.
A guy, he's out in the West.
A guy from New England has been searching for him, wants to kill him and find him.
So he comes into school with his gun to shoot the teacher.
He decides not to shoot the teacher because all the kids pull their guns out and pointed at him and said, you kill the teacher, you die.
He says, okay, teacher lives.
Real simple stuff.
Save the life of the, there was no shooting because all the kids, and we're talking to elementary school.
All the kids pull their guns out and say, we like our teacher.
You shoot our teacher.
And there wasn't.
And by the way, I'm super sure that really happened.
A, because there's no record of it anywhere.
And B, yes, let's let grammar school kids carry guns.
That's the answer.
How could that ever go backward, backfire?
Come on.
What group of students would ever not want to kill their teacher?
Yes.
I'm sure the teachers would be all for their kids bringing guns into school, all of them being armed.
Does this guy even write history books or just take his dream journal and throw a history label on it?
Let's see.
Yeah, got to be 21 to purchase alcohol, assault rifle, and shotgun, six or seven.
I would say six or seven.
Hey, if every kid in school had a gun, nobody could come into the school and threaten the teacher because the kids would be threatening the teachers themselves.
Teachers would be dead already.
Yeah.
Well, if you want to prove that guns aren't dangerous, let's look up the way people lived 150 years ago when it took you 10 minutes to reload.
Very hard to mass murder people when you get the musket.
This is his idea.
Let's give the guns to kids.
Can we talk about the gunfight at the OK Elementary School?
Let's see if he has anything more to say.
Listen.
It wasn't shooting.
Kids did not shoot each other.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Again, two accidents I have seen in 200 years of everybody having guns.
It just didn't happen.
Yes, people didn't shoot them.
Back in the 19th century, people who owned guns didn't shoot each other.
Everyone was too busy dying of cholera.
Good times.
And by the way, that's the huge, that's the canard that the NRA wants you to believe is that everybody had guns in the 19th century.
Gun ownership was lower than it is now.
And if you watch Tombstone a million times, like I have, you know that people were supposed to drop their guns off.
And also in Rio Bravo, they have to drop their guns off at the edge of town before they went into town.
So there's actually a lot of gun control back in the wild.
Oh, you know, now that you're right about that, Frank, I forgot all about that.
Yes, you are correct.
All right, here's what Lamar Alexander has to say about it.
First Amendment limits what we can do about video games.
Hang on.
Can you envision a way of Chuck Todd talking with Senator Lamar Alexander?
Supporting the Universal Background Checks Bill.
Chuck, I'm going to wait and see on all these bills.
You know, I think video games is a bigger problem than guns because video games affect people.
But the First Amendment limits what we can do about video games.
The second amendment to the Constitution limits what we can do about guns.
Wow.
Okay, let's break that down.
Let's break it down, what he had to say.
Okay, here we go.
Here's his first statement.
You know, I think video games is a bigger problem than guns.
Yes, video games are a bigger problem than guns because, you know, assault rifles may or may not slaughter dozens of people, but a kid hooked on a video game is going to be socially awkward.
Right.
And what about all those instances of people being attacked with video games?
Yes.
Right?
Have you ever been hit in the head with a video game, Frank?
It's very painful.
It's smart.
It's hurtful.
I'm surprised this guy isn't talking about the jitter bug and how it's going to make us all dope fiends.
My brother once whipped a, like a frisbee across the room, a grand theft auto.
And it still left a mark.
I got to tell you, I felt that in the morning.
Sure, guns might seem like a bigger problem than video games, but when you're arguing in favor of dead school children, you say a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense.
Yes.
You know, you know, a bigger problem than guns in the 19th century?
James West's overly tight vest suit.
Not a problem, really, Jim.
Very uncomfortable to watch.
Luckily, R. Emma Scorton had enough disguises.
Now, what TV shows are we talking about?
The Wild, Wild West.
Oh, okay.
So here's what here's Lil Pants.
We're tight.
Oh boy, really.
He's right about that.
You can feel the pain.
You can feel it cut into his nards.
Here's Lamar Alexander's.
Here's his logic about what we're doing.
I'm sorry, one other thing.
Tim West also was, but he was able to stop villains with steam-powered nuclear weapons.
The biggest problem in the 19th century was that we're evil midgets.
Exactly.
So here's Lamar Alexander's.
Here's his rationale why we can't do anything.
I think video games is a bigger problem than guns because video games affect people.
Yes, whereas guns have absolutely no effect on people other than killing them.
It's never been proven that a gun does anything bad to do.
So he's literally saying there that, you know, the whole thing about guns don't kill people.
People don't.
People kill people, but people are not involved with guns.
So it's not even possible anymore.
It's not bullets that hurt people.
It's the impact.
It's the speed of the bullet, I think.
Right.
Person can't throw a bullet then.
Yeah, it's the speed.
Exactly.
You know, and okay.
Yeah, it's the video games, not the guns, because possessing guns has only brought happiness and joy to people everywhere.
So here he's got, he's got a little bit more to say.
The First Amendment limits what we can do about video games.
The second amendment to the Constitution limits what we can do about guns.
Yeah, yeah, you know, I'd...
We can't do anything about anything.
We can't do anything about anything.
Exactly.
Those damn amendments are tying our hands.
Hey, I'd love to vote for universal background checks, but my hands aren't tied by that damn Second Amendment, which guarantees people can own guns if they join a militia in the 18th century.
We got Dick Cheney.
I got a couple more calls from Dick Cheney.
Here we go.
Okay, I'm just going to say what everyone is thinking.
Just don't let the coloreds have guns.
Problem solved.
Call me back.
Dick Cheney.
That's Dick Cheney, huh?
He called me back one more time.
Jeremy, the Chainman here again.
Here's a topic for your little lesbian roundtable.
This country was founded by unregulated bands of heavily armed, insane people who weren't afraid to torture people.
It's a fact.
So suck it, fuckbag.
That's all.
That's all there is.
Okay, Dick Cheney.
Wow.
All right, let's go.
Jimmy, no one gets drunk down by politicians more than you do.
I know.
I know.
You know what?
Actually, Luke Russert called me.
So joining us now on the phone is NBC Capitol Hill correspondent Luke Russert.
Luke, thanks for joining us, buddy.
I really appreciate it.
What's up, Jimmy?
What's going on, man?
Not much, Luke.
Listen, I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy NBC work to take time to do a little report for my little public radio station.
I really appreciate it.
It's nice of you.
Well, Jimmy, truth be told, I love talking on the phone while in the Capitol Rotunda because it makes me look busy.
And even though this job requires only about 20 minutes of work a day, my bosses expect me to hang out and look like I'm doing stuff.
It's pretty bogus, man.
Luke, do other people who work at NBC ever check on you?
Not much.
Luckily for me, NBC News reporters are not at all inquisitive or curious.
Just this morning, I was on my cell and David Gregory came up to me and was like, what are you doing?
I'm like, oh, I'm on the phone, dude.
And what did Gregory Deborah say?
He didn't say anything because that would have meant asking a follow-up question.
So Luke, so Luke, what's going on in the House and the Senate right now?
Do you have any idea?
Oh, man.
I'm glad you asked that because I got some breaking news.
Oh, breaking news from Luke Russard.
Lay it on me, brother.
Yeah, as you know, there's a gun control debate going on in Washington, D.C. right now.
Yeah, yeah, I know all about it.
Yeah.
I can now report exclusively that this debate is very contentious with lots of differing opinions on both sides of the aisle.
That...
Thank you.
That's your breaking news, Luke?
That's your breaking news.
All right, I'm going to go back to playing snowboarding video games on my.
Luke, seriously, that's your breaking news.
Dude, I saw it on numerous websites, Politico, HuffPo, Talking Points, Mempho.
I totally scanned all these sites halls waiting online for my Starbucks this morning.
And now I'm reporting exclusively to you, Jimmy Door.
Well, thank God.
Thanks very much for that, Luke.
No problemo, my friend.
Oh, it's one minute after the hour.
So here's the latest scoop.
It's 33 degrees in Washington, D.C., with the possibility of snow flurries tonight at a low of 25.
Luke, I don't get it.
What are you doing, buddy?
What is that?
Hey, I'm trying to broaden my scope as a journalist, so I'm practicing doing weather on the ones podcast.
Okay, well, I definitely see a Pulitzer in your future, buddy.
I really do.
I know, right?
Yeah, I definitely do.
I have a lot to live up to as a reporter.
Not many people know this about me, but my dad was Tim Russert, the former host of Meet the Press.
You're kidding, and you still got hired to do your job anyway.
I know, it's crazy.
I was watching it to my dad the other day, and you talk about news journalism.
He was all of that.
I mean, hell, did you know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?
My dad totally got the exclusive on that one.
I hope that I get to break a big story like that one day myself.
Dare to dream, Luke.
And thanks for joining us today, buddy.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks.
So, Ravens.
That's right.
I'm into sports.
Am I relatable or what?
You the dude.
Okay.
Thanks.
Luke Russert.
Thank you very much.
All right.
Yay.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Okay, welcome back in studio.
I'm joined on the phone from New York.
It's Frank Conner from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
And also, we have a couple of former writers for the Daily Show.
Steve Rosenfield and Jim Earl is with us.
We have the hostess of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, Steph Zabarano.
And from Team Yasamura, it's hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura.
I'm going to go right to Joe Scarborough.
So I'm watching this Joe Scarborough, and they were having one of their, hey, we have to cut Medicare and Medicaid or we're going to die party on Morning Joe.
Yeah.
So, and by the way, I'm just not the fact that all these Republicans are really concerned about a problem.
A, I'm not buying that they want to even solve a problem ever because they never want to solve a problem and B, they want to solve a problem that isn't coming for over a decade, okay?
Doesn't pass the smell test.
These are just people who want to get rid of social programs they don't like for whatever reason, because it goes against their ideology, even though they're successful social programs, meaning Medicare and Social Security, okay?
So here's Morning Joe being super earnest about wanting to cut one of the most successful programs in history.
A lot of people in the middle, the Concord Coalition, they say that Medicare and Medicaid is going to cause an economic collapse if we don't take care of those programs in the long haul.
So when you bring that up, then people say, well, you know what, though?
It's a healthcare problem.
Let's just fix health care and all that will magically go away.
Well, we as a country don't do good jobs fixing health care.
Look at 93, 94.
Look at 2009, 2010.
We don't, we can't reform such a complex system in a way that's going to turn things around on a dime.
Yes, so because we can't reform our health care system, the responsible thing to do is to cut health care for the old and elderly.
Not to try to figure out a way to fix our health care system.
You know, as a country, we're not great at solving complicated problems.
On the bright side, we're really good at blocking solutions that come from liberals.
Yeah, and since the health care reform that was passed in 2010 hasn't even really come into effect yet.
Right.
That means it's a failure and it didn't work.
Oh, and by the way, the private sector has done such a good job keeping costs down.
Oh, wait.
That's exactly the problem.
But Scarborough thinks that's where the solution is going to come from.
The solution is going to come from the private sector, even though that's where the problem comes from.
And let me just, I'll make this point again.
I know I've said it before.
But the problem that people go, Jimmy, but look how much money Medicare is costing us.
Okay.
The problem isn't Medicare.
Medicare is actually a great system that actually has lower costs than private systems.
The problem is the cost of our health care in America.
Why is it that we pay double for worse results than the rest of the civilized world?
That doesn't even come up in these discussions.
That doesn't even cross their lips.
The real problem isn't Medicare.
Medicare isn't driving up health care costs.
Healthcare is driving up Medicare costs.
And we need to get a handle on our health care costs.
Like, how about a single payer system like the rest of the world, which would bring down our costs maybe by half, maybe by half, like the rest of the world?
By the way, our health insurance programs are what's driving up medical costs more than the medical industry because they have so consistently screwed with doctors that doctors consistently overbill just to get 50% of what they're owed.
Right.
So there's lots of problems.
But the only solution that Joe sees is to cut Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security.
The only way you could ever fix this is you have to cut it.
You can't reform it.
You can't negotiate.
You can't.
And by the way, one of the problems with Medicare supposedly has 10 years left.
Do you know it's always had 11 years left?
It's always had 11.
So whenever they do the actuarial tables, since they invented Medicare, I know this because Chris Hayes did a little research on this, which is why they put him on at six in the morning on MSNBC.
So he said that ever since they've had Medicare, they do actuarial tables, projections, to see how long Medicare is solvent.
And every time they do it, Medicare is solvent for the next 11 years.
So, and by the way, still today, Medicare is solvent for the next 11 years.
Social Security, solvent, until I've heard 2037, now they're saying 2033.
So at the worst case scenario, it's solved until 2033.
And if you are telling me that a politician, Democrat or Republican, are trying to fix a problem that doesn't happen for another 15 years, meanwhile, they won't even touch the problems we have right now.
Like the problem that we pay twice as much for health care than the rest of the world.
Why don't we tackle that?
That's happening right now.
That's not a pretend problem that's going to come up in a couple decades.
They wake up every night in a nightmare screaming over what's going to happen in 2033.
2030, we need, I love what he says, we need to take care of Medicare and Medicaid in the long haul.
And by take care, he means drive grandma way out into the country and let nature do the rest.
The only time these people think ahead is to, you know, kill poor people.
I know, it seems odd to me that it's so surprising that to solve our financial problems, the only solutions these guys can come up with are solutions that don't ever affect them personally at all.
Right.
All the suffering is going to happen to people on a lower scale of the income practice.
Well, that's not.
And it's not going to hurt them.
And if you say one thing about raising taxes, then that's a gigantic issue.
And also, I guess it's just a coincidence that all of these news shows are sponsored by defense contractors, and yet they never talk about cutting the military budget when it comes to fixing these problems.
Never.
That never comes up either, Frank.
You're right.
It's not what comes up ever.
And every week on the Sunday talk shows, which are all sponsored by GE and all of these defense contractors, they talk every week about how we need to cut Medicare and Social Security.
And never once do they ever mention how cutting military spending could help this situation.
I mean, they never say that ever.
I think maybe that's why there's so much feeling against Hegel on the part of the Republicans, because they know that he wants to cut some of the defense budget, I believe he's exactly supposedly care about the deficit more than anything else and care about getting budget under control and military cutting the defense spending is not even a consideration to these people.
If we cut defense spending in half, we'd probably solve all of this stuff.
We have to protect our poorhouses from foreign invaders.
Yes, exactly.
And by the way, Medicare, one of the most successful anti-poverty programs in the history of the world, right?
So before Medicare, not a lot of people know this.
The reason why, why do we come up with Medicare?
Well, because people would retire and then they would go into poverty and they would be eating dog food.
Remember those stories when you were a kid about old people eating dog food?
And that's what would happen.
So they couldn't afford their medical care.
So before Medicare, the poverty rate for elderly people, people over 65, was 33%.
One in three per people over 65 lived in technical poverty.
Ten years after they instituted Medicare, that number was down to 11%.
Wow.
So here's what Mike.
So then they throw it over to Mike Bonicle.
And Mike Bonico, he's a genius.
So here's what he said.
So it all was all brought up by this.
Paul Krugman wrote a column that said, hey, we shouldn't be worried about the deficit right now because the long-term deficit, that's a problem, and we can fix that long term.
But right now, we need to get the economy going again.
And that's what's hurting the deficit more than anything because we don't have good jobs and people paying taxes.
And that's the way you get out of this recession is you grow out.
And everyone knows that austerity is not working in Europe.
It's not working.
We all see it not working.
So they're talking about that article.
And here's what Mike Bonicle has to say about Paul Krugman.
Can he ignore one of the realities in this discussion that long-term debt plays a huge role in companies hiring people today?
They worry about the debt, about the national debt, and the uncertainty of it all.
So they're not going to be putting people on the payrolls.
So did you catch that?
That's the sage Mike Barnacle saying that the reason companies aren't staffing, the reason why they aren't hiring needed employees to do needed work and to serve their customers is because we haven't gotten serious about cutting Medicare and Medicaid yet.
So let me just entertain you with me.
I got Mike Barnacle on the phone.
Hello, Mike Bonicle, Widget Factory.
How may I help you?
Hey, Mikey, it's Jerry down at the factory.
Listen, we got 1,000 orders for widgets.
So I'm calling to let you know that we're going to need it at least to hire at least 100 new workers to fill those orders in a timely fashion.
How many workers did you need to fill out our orders?
Roughly about 100 there, Mike.
Okay, wait.
Let me check the long-term debt of the U.S. government.
Look, before I hire anyone new, I always check the long-term debt problem of the United States.
It really affects my hiring.
Hey, yeah, Mike, what the fuck are you talking about, huh?
I'm telling you, we need 100 new workers to fill our widget orders in a timely fashion, and you're checking the long-term debt of the what now?
Yeah, it sounds silly to a normal person, but I'm in charge of a large corporation, so I know how this stuff works.
Have you ever run a large corporation?
No.
Well, I'll tell you, well, I'll tell you how it works, Ben.
I can't hire people until I'm confident that the guys in Congress have their act together.
And by that, I mean they are willing to cut health care for the old and the poor.
Mike, have you been exposed to a virus that eats your fucking brain or something?
Listen to me.
I'm telling you that I got millions of dollars in orders for widgets here, and we need workers to fill those hours.
But you aren't going to hire them because why?
Because the guys in Congress haven't shown a serious result to deal with our long-term debt crisis.
That's how it works in business.
No Medicare cuts, no workers.
That's how it works.
Mr. Bonico, can I get your phone number to your doctor?
I think I need to call him right the fuck away.
Look, what don't you understand?
Just tell our customers to fuck themselves and go get their widgets elsewhere because if they think I'm going to hire workers to fill out their orders for our products that they are willing to pay me good money for and for which I can make a hefty profit, then they need to wake up to the reality of the debt situation.
Okay, Mike Bonicall, thank you very much.
You're a fucking maniac.
Thank you, and I'm a plagiarist too.
Yeah.
All right.
So here is Willie Geist to explain to us what the real problem is.
The real problem with Medicare is this.
Seems to me, Sam, too, the real problem is people don't just focus on this during a time of economic crisis.
There are people when we're in boom times who say you can't touch entitlement programs, that it's gospel that you couldn't raise the retirement age, for example, that you have to protect Medicare and Medicare at all costs, Medicaid at all costs.
Yeah, so that's the real problem, according to Willie Geist, is that some assholes won't let us cut health care to the poor and elderly, even when the economy isn't in a recession.
Well, if we can't deny health care to old and poor people when we're in good economic times, then when the hell can we?
That's just what he's saying.
So here's unbelievable.
So that's the real problem to Willie.
So now Eugene Robinson comes on to make the sane person's point, but he does it in such a mealy-mouthed way, his point never really lands.
But here he is telling Morning Joe, Morning Joe Hardball, what's wrong with his ideas?
If you don't do something about medical care costs long-term, the costs, not just who pays for them, ultimately, don't we still incur the responsibility to pay for that stuff?
I mean, if it's not being paid through the existing programs now, I can pretty much guarantee there's going to be a new program of some sort in which we still pay some of these costs because I don't think they're all going to be offloaded on to the elderly.
I don't think that's going to happen.
So he's saying, all right, y'all, you guys want to cut Medicare.
He goes, that doesn't, people still need to get medical care and when they're old.
So do you really think that what's going to happen is we're just going to shift those costs to the pockets of the elderly?
He goes, that's not going to happen.
So we need to have a better system.
And then he goes on to explain a little bit more to Joe Hardball.
When you're talking about Medicare, for example, does it make sense to raise the eligibility age?
A lot of people would say no.
It doesn't in that for all its problems, Medicare is actually arguably lower cost than having these people try to get insurance out in the market and then subsidizing them somehow.
Why are you taking people out of a system that is arguably more efficient than the rest of the system?
So he makes a great point.
You're going to take people off of Medicare, which is a more efficient system than the private insurance system.
You're going to do that to save costs.
That's not going to save you costs.
It's going to raise costs.
And by the way, people aren't bending over.
Insurance companies aren't bending over backwards to sign up 66 and 67 year old insurers, right?
So these are great points.
These are great points.
Yet he's apologizing for them.
And the whole time, you're right, Robert, great point.
The whole time he's apologized because Morning Joe Hardball doesn't agree with him.
So they all have to apologize when they make a point that totally contradicts what he's saying and exposes what he's saying for the lazy thinking that it is.
So that's what Joe, Morning Joe Hardball is very good at lazy thinking.
What he just pointed out was that his thinking is lazy, but he had to apologize for it.
Exactly.
That point doesn't land.
In fact, it doesn't land.
Go ahead, Frank.
I'm sorry, if you take his lazy thinking and combine it with him being surrounded with a bunch of suckups, that's the ingredient for Morning Joe.
Yes, that's what's in your cup when you get up.
Wait, I wouldn't even say they're suckups.
I think that they're abused children.
It's like they are.
And he's a Pulled Surprise winner, Eugene Robinson, and he has to say all that stuff apologetically.
So he says all that stuff about Medicare.
Well, he did win a Pulitzer, but Mike Barticle stole it.
So here's Joe Scarborough's response to all that.
You're right.
He hears Eugene Robinson say all that, and here's how he comes back.
We're facing a crisis of great proportions when it comes to entitlement spending.
And I wonder if we end up where Great Britain is right Now, where we are left with little choice but to make huge cuts at the very end of the day.
There you go.
We're going to be forced to make huge cuts at the end of the day.
Just ignore everything that Eugene Robinson just said.
And a lot of people argue that if you do what he says, that that's the mistake that Britain made.
Yes.
That they did the things that conservatives are saying that Americans should do now.
And that's why they're in such bad shape.
Yes.
That is correct, Frank.
I wish I had something smart to say after all that, but that's what I watched.
I couldn't believe it.
It's just like and Morning Joe is perfect for this because it is the epicenter of conventional wisdom.
And even when somebody pokes their head through and pokes a hole in their conventional wisdom, it just gets ignored.
Which, like it does in the mainstream media, just is ignored.
And there's Mike Barnacle.
Companies aren't hiring people because of the long-term debt.
What kind of, where did you pick that up from?
Jamie Diamond tell you that?
They lack confidence.
They don't have confidence.
They don't have confidence.
The corporations are sitting on $5 trillion, but they don't have confidence.
And I say $5 trillion doesn't give you confidence.
You should try fucking dance lessons.
Uncertainty is just stultifying.
It's horrifying.
Uncertainty.
Oh, uncertainty.
That's why it's called risk in business.
Henry Ford never would have invented his car had he been uncertain.
If it was going to work or not.
Yeah.
All right.
That's it.
done.
Thank you.
Thank you.
you you you Okay.
I hope you're enjoying your holidays.
That is our show for this week.
Big thanks to everybody who helped make it possible.
Of course, Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasimura, Jim Earl, Mark Van Landuitt, Steph Samurano, everybody, huh?
Sean James, Gilbert, the whole everybody who makes everything happen here at the show.
Thanks, everybody, and thanks for you for listening and for all your support.
Of course, you know how you can get the premium content.
It's a $5 donation a month.
You get access to all the premium stuff we do.
You go to jimmydoorcomedy.com, you click on premium, you make your $5 donation, and we'll send you a passcode to get you access to all that stuff.
We're going to have an app coming out.
We have the Sam Cedars technical genius guy working on our stuff.
So, and thanks whoever gave me the tip for that guy.
I don't know who did, but someone did.
Thank you.
And also, oh, who was I?
I was supposed to give a shout out.
Someone who sent me the link about all that Christmas stuff.
Oh, I'll think of it next week.
Okay.
All right.
I should probably look it up.
Okay, I will.
Okay.
Hey, listen, that's it for this week.
And next week, we're going to have, I think it's going to be an all-call, all-phone call show.
I think I might do that.
All my favorite phone calls.
Of course, you know, I got to say, Michael Douglas might be the all-time bestist call where he was overcompensating for having done the behind the candelabra and the eating, you know, and getting the throat cancer from the Cunnalingas.
Sure.
Okay.
I always think about people who listen to the show with their kids.
I get emails from people saying, my kids love your show.
And then when I do jokes like that, I'm like, oh, I wonder if it's awkward for them.
All right, if they're listening together.
Probably.
Okay, that's it from this week until next week to the next week.
And we're going to see you in a few days and everybody.
and be safe out there and have a happy new year.
piano plays softly This Christmas, I'm staying in bed.
I haven't had a good sleep in a while.
And I think this Christmas is what it will take to make up all those hours I've lost doing nothing.
Nothing at all.
For if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
I never have time because the days are so short.
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